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#ughhh ik i was just talking abt this but man. Man. constantly bullied as a child + raped as a child is a brutal combo huh
fleshdyke
·
1 month
Text
#csa warning for tags
#ughhh ik i was just talking abt this but man. Man. constantly bullied as a child + raped as a child is a brutal combo huh
#completely irreversibly fucked up sense of intimacy. i dont want to have sex with anyone i dont care what ppl think of me looks wise but i
#also care more than anything and want people to want me so bad
#like when ur only experience with anyone at all finding you desirable is being raped at 6ish. fucks u up man
#was constantly told by everyone i knew that i was undesirable from day fucking one. i was always the one ppl would dare their friends to
#'ask out' bc everyone thought i was that bad. i never had those rumours of 'some boy likes you' without people laughing in the background
#all of my friends. even the ones that were also weird kids and bullied etc etc always have stories of other kids having crushes on them or
#whatever. and i just never had that. it feels like i missed out on something important
#i want to be pursued by a guy i hate i want them to not leave me alone. i want to feel like im in danger. and i know how fucking disgusting
#that is but i cant help it. like i feel like thats the only way im going to feel normal and wanted like theres not something inherently
#wrong with me. and i know how dangerous that is but its not like it matters anyways bc still no one likes me at all.
#and i know how stupid of a thing it is to obsess over like what am i 9 years old? but i just cant get it out of my head
#like idk i feel like the only way im going to actually feel desirable at all is if someone tries to rape me again. or if i feel like i have
#to worry about someone raping me again. i know i wouldnt feel that way if someone was like. nice about it.
#bc if someone genuinely liked me and was a decent human being about it i wouldnt be able to see it as anything other than faking it for pit
#i wouldnt be able to believe it. even if i wasnt waiting for them to drop the joke and start laughing at me i would always think it was jus
#an act bc they feel bad for me. the only way i could ever think it's genuine and that i'm desirable at all is if someone sexually
#harassed me. like idk how to explain it but thats the only way i could feel desirable at all
#bc it's the only way i've ever been desirable. when i was a kid.
#and it terrifies me so bad bc i know how fucking disgusting that is and how self destructive it is
#but i still feel like i dont even have to really worry about being assaulted. bc i still believe im completely undesirable at my core.
#i dont believe i could be desired so i dont believe i have to worry about being raped. bc no one would want to anyways
#rambles
#vent
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