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am-i-the-asshole-official · 1 month

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AITA for calling my friend spoiled?

So my friend still lives with her parents. She is 27 years old and still has dinner cooked for her every night, has her parents clean her room, has them do her laundry, etc. They only just asked her this month to pay some money towards house bills like internet etc and she complained for hours about them “stealing her money”. Now being spoiled isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s great her parents are willing to still do all that for her. The problem is my friend tells anyone and everyone that her parents are abusive.

To be honest she’s pretty bad at remembering events accurately. For example someone will give her constructive criticism, she’ll be a little upset, then with each retelling and the more time that passes she’ll build it up and up in her head until it becomes “this person SCREAMED INSULTS at me” and she’ll be genuinely distressed over it. She genuinely remembers stuff this way, she’s not lying exactly. She’s been upset with me over stuff I’ve supposedly said or done and when I’ve asked her to find the conversation she’s talking about in chat logs etc she’ll look back and realise it never happened or it was said completely differently and then she’ll be shocked and apologise.

The stuff with her parents is the same kind of deal. We’ll be on call, I’ll hear her dad calmly say “Can you put your clothes away in the bathroom please?”, and by the time she’s back she’ll be upset and ask me “Did you hear my dad scream that at me?”

She tells all our friends that her parents are abusive and constantly screaming at her and forcing her to do stuff.

For context as to why this upsets me a bit, I grew up in a hellishly abusive household. Not going to get into details but it went as far as having knives held to me, having my fingers broken, being homeless for almost a year. So hearing her call her parents abusive all the time when they do so much for her and treat her so well and all our friends offering support and joking they'll fight her parents really frustrates me. I watch her and her dad chase each other down the driveway to give each other hugs and I feel so envious of how comfortable and good their relationship is.

I recently stayed with her for a few months while I recovered from a surgery over Christmas and. it just got worse from there.

On Christmas she got more presents than I've ever seen in my LIFE. Her parents got ME more gifts than I've ever gotten! One gift she threw out the instructions and then got frustrated she couldn't work it, and in front of me she called her mom through, and snapped at her that her gift didn't work and it was useless. Her mom apologised and asked if she should return it, and my friend was just like "Well it's too late now isn't it!" I was just sitting there in shock because it felt so rude and ungrateful

The other night we were with friends and she was telling them about how her dad had made a joke about her being spoiled. She turned to me and said “AM I spoiled?” in a way that clearly expected me to say no and back her up.

I just kind of snapped and had enough and I said “Honestly? You’re one of the most spoiled people I’ve ever met.”

I said it in a kind of light-hearted tone and she played it off like a joke, but she seemed really mad I’d said it in front of our friends considering she’s been telling them how bad they are all this time.

Since then I’ve had a couple of our friends come to me and ask what her family is really like and I’ve said I don’t feel right talking to them about it if my friend doesn’t want me to, but it’s made me wonder if I was an asshole for saying it considering it’s clearly made our friends distrust her word now. And they potentially realised I wasn’t joking with the fact they’ve come to ask me privately about it.

AITA for saying it in the way and situation I did?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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happy74827 · 8 months

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Lost On You

[Rick Grimes x Female!Reader]

Synopsis: Drawn to his strength and resilience, you've secretly fancied the widowed sheriff turned leader. But with recent events turning his smiles into forced fake ones, all that's on your mind is to make it known that he's not alone {Takes place in Season 5}.

WC: 2067

Category: Hurt/Comfort, Slight Angst

This is officially my first Walking Dead fanfic, which I'm honestly surprised hasn't happened earlier, but I've recently rewatched season five, and it made me remember just how much I love Rick. So, here we are.

『••✎••』

The sun dipped below the horizon, casting a warm glow across the makeshift camp that had become a haven for the group after their escape from Terminus. The tension that had gripped them during their ordeal was slowly easing, and a sense of normalcy was tentatively settling in. Amid the camaraderie and relief, one person's heart was beating just a little faster than the rest – yours.

Ever since the days at the prison, you had found yourself drawn to Rick Grimes. His strength, his resilience, and the way he cared for his people… it resonated with you deeply. You found yourself admiring him from afar, with feelings growing with every shared moment. And now, as you sat by the campfire, watching Rick with Judith nestled safely in his arms, those feelings were impossible to ignore.

He changed, though. It was apparent in his eyes. Andrea had mentioned long ago how he was becoming “colder,” but you never saw it until now. Until you’ve (quite literally) were face-to-face with evil.

After the incident with Gareth and his people, Rick rarely smiled. And when he did, it was faker than Daryl’s chupacabra claim. Even when Judith giggled while tugging on his beard, or when Michonne and Carl had random competitions, he never smiled like he used to. The last time you saw him “happy” by definition was back when Hershel was still around.

Rick was no longer the man who gave you hope. You didn't know if it was the guilt of his past actions, the stress of the group's survival, or a combination of the two, but Rick Grimes had been lost somewhere along the road, and you wanted to find him.

Your gaze drifted down to your lap, where the remnants of a half-eaten dinner lay. You weren't sure what Carol had made tonight, but it was good. She was always an amazing cook.

Carol.

She was the only person who knew how you felt about Rick. It had been hard not to talk about it. You two were close, and it wasn't like you were a master at keeping secrets. Carol was, though. She had a talent for reading people and knew right away when you had developed a crush. She always teased you about it.

You were glad she didn't tell anyone, and you were glad to have her as a friend.

With the fire beginning to die down, and the food finished, the others began drifting back to their respective tents. First Michonne, then Carl, Daryl, Carol, and Tyreese. Sasha lingered for a bit, and eventually, Abraham and Rosita. Eugene and Tara had been gone all day scavenging for supplies, and Glenn and Maggie had disappeared into the woods an hour before. They had just recently returned, hand-in-hand, and were giggling and whispering as they headed for their tent.

As for you? Well, you were just waiting. Waiting and watching Rick. You didn't know why, exactly. Maybe you were hoping he would suddenly break out of this new, serious-all-the-time character he'd been portraying. Or maybe you were trying to figure out how to talk to him, how to tell him how you felt.

That thought sent your heart racing again. You took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds before letting it out slowly.

You couldn't help but feel like the entire world had been waiting for something to change. Waiting for a spark. And when you looked at Rick, you knew. You just knew.

There was something about him. Something special. Something you couldn't explain, but it drew you to him like a moth to a flame. He was the spark you had been waiting for, and the feeling was so strong you could hardly contain yourself.

Rick turned, and you met his eyes. They were a clear blue, a striking contrast to the dark hair that framed his face. His beard was starting to get long, and the curls atop his head were a bit wilder than usual.

Your eyes met his. The smile he gave you was weak, forced. You were tempted to stand up and give him a hug, just to make him feel better. But you didn't.

After a few moments of awkward silence, he stood up, adjusting Judith in his arms as he did so. She stirred, her eyelids fluttering a few times before falling shut once more.

"G'night."

"Night."

And then, he was gone.

You watched as the tent flap closed behind him. He had disappeared so quickly that you barely even had time to register what had happened. You felt like a part of you had just left with him. Your heart was beating a mile a minute. You had been sitting there, watching him, for a long time, and the sudden silence was deafening.

As you headed for your tent, the last of the campers called out to you.

"Night!"

You stopped in your tracks, turning towards the voice. Carl was smiling, waving at you. You raised a hand in response, flashing a brief smile before turning away.

"Night."

You were asleep almost instantly. The day's events had left you exhausted, and it didn't take long for sleep to overtake you. It overtook you to the point that you had slept in until after everyone else had gotten up.

Morning came and you exited the tent, squinting as the sunlight hit your face. The sun was high in the sky, and the others had begun the morning without you. You didn't mind; it wasn't the first time this had happened, and it probably wouldn't be the last.

As you made your way to the main area, you were greeted by several friendly faces.

"Morning, sleepyhead," Glenn teased. "We were starting to wonder if you were ever gonna get up."

You flashed a sheepish grin. "Sorry. I was just exhausted."

You scanned the area for a few minutes, noting that a couple of people were missing. Rick, for example, was nowhere to be seen.

"Hey, Glenn, where's Rick?"

Glenn glanced around the campsite. He scratched the back of his head and shrugged. "Not sure, actually. I haven't seen him this morning. Not since breakfast."

That was strange.

"I'm gonna go look for him," you said,

As you left, Glenn gave you the thumbs up in encouragement before his eyes flashed back to Maggie and Tara. Most likely retelling the events of the previous day.

You soon wandered through the trees, searching for any sign of Rick – or anyone for that matter. Both Daryl and Carol were also missing, but you weren’t concerned about those two. It was more concerning for those who stumbled upon them. Now Rick, on the other hand, he was different.

As of right now he wasn’t the man to mess with. Seeing how he handled those at Terminus, and hearing what had happened the night before from Michonne… you weren’t concerned about the possibility of him getting attacked or injured. Your concern fell towards his mentality.

He was “technically” the leader that everyone had listened and looked up to. Abraham made arguments, mostly of the importance of taking Eugene to DC, but Rick was the one who had the final say. That kind of power and responsibility to lead an entire group to their survival has heavy effects. And now, after so much loss and failure, it finally took its toll.

The sun shined brightly through the trees as you walked, and the air was warm. It was the kind of day you would have spent reading on your back porch, or maybe going for a hike. Before the world ended, anyway.

As you started walking, you couldn't help but notice the quiet. There was no sign of life anywhere. No birds, no insects, no Walkers. It was almost like the entire world had disappeared, leaving you all alone.

The forest became more thick and dense the further you walked into it, with the trees growing more close together. The sun still shined through the branches, but it was still early, and the shadows were deep.

You started your trail back towards the temporary camp when you noticed a noise coming from behind you. You spun around, heart pounding. It sounded like footsteps.

"Rick?"

There was no answer. Just the sound of the wind whistling through the trees.

"Rick?" You tried again.

Nothing.

The silence was unnerving. The sound of footsteps had stopped, and there was still no sign of life anywhere.

Then, suddenly, you heard a branch snap and everything that was peaceful turned into a war zone. You spun around fast with fists clenched. You didn’t even process what it was before you struck it in the face.

Your face fell once you opened your eyes to peek at the danger.

Ah, shit.

Rick straightened out, his hand running over his nose where you had accidentally struck. He seemed a little dazed, but otherwise was fine.

"Oh, god, I am so sorry," you said, wincing. "I didn't know it was you. I thought you were a… I don’t— oh, geez.”

Rick blinked a few times, regaining his composure. His hand fell from his nose, and he gave you a slight smile. Fake, again, but this time you didn’t blame him.

“What are you doin’ out here?” Rick’s voice was low, and he sounded tired. He didn’t look directly at you, instead choosing to gaze past you at the forest behind. It was almost as if he didn’t care to hear your answer.

And it was clear he wasn’t bothered by the fact that you had just punched him in the face.

You found yourself sighing at his words. It was a difficult question. One that had multiple answers.

What were you doing out here?

What was he doing out here?

Why were either of you out here instead of being with the group or resting up after the chaos of yesterday?

The questions buzzed in your head, but the answer was clear.

You were out here because of Rick. You were out here to find him. To talk to him.

You opened your mouth to respond, but nothing came out. The two of you stood in silence for what seemed like an eternity, and the awkwardness was palpable.

"You should be with the others.”

The words hung heavy in the air. They were simple enough, but the weight behind them was crushing.

"You should be with them, too," you countered.

Rick's gaze shifted to you, and you met his eyes.

The sun's rays broke through the treetops, illuminating his face. He looked tired. So tired. Rick had always had dark circles under his eyes, but the ones you were seeing now were new. They were a deeper shade than you'd ever seen, and they seemed to have grown bigger.

He was worn down, exhausted, and there was a hollowness to his stare. A dullness that had replaced the fire. And yet, despite all of that, there was still a warmth there. A sense of caring, of love, that was still present.

It was that warmth that gave you the courage to continue.

"I'm worried about you," you blurted.

His expression shifted slightly, his brows furrowing.

"You're worrying about me?"

You nodded, your eyes still fixed on his.

"Yeah. Yeah, I am."

He shook his head.

"You don't need to worry about me."

"Yes, I do. Because I care about you."

Rick stared at you for a moment. He seemed stunned, and the look on his face made your heart ache.

He let out a small sigh.

"You don't have to," he said, his voice quiet. "I'll be fine."

"You don't have to be the hero all the time, you know," you said. "You can let the rest of us help carry the load."

His eyes searched yours.

"You can't save everyone," you continued. "Sometimes you just have to accept that there are some things that are out of your control."

Rick became silent. You could see the pain and conflict swirling in his eyes. He wanted to accept your words, but the guilt was still eating away at him.

He closed his eyes, and the tension in his body seemed to ease a bit.

"I'm just… tired," he said. "I'm tired of seeing people die. Of losing people."

You placed a hand on his shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"I know," you said. "I'm tired, too."

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whore-for-chris-evans · 1 year

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Labyrinth

Summary: You're not his first choice. But you realise you can't be mad about it. You don't have the right.

Steve Rogers x gn! reader (not dating though, they're...they were best friends), post Civil War.

[Warnings: angst (sort of unrequited love?), attempt at fluff (?), Hurt and not so much comfort, Sam is a good friend though.]

A/N: no prizes for guessing the reason behind the title. Also this is Stucky if you want it to be. Otherwise it isn't.

"You don't think he cares about you or me?"

"I never said that, Sam. It's just that..." You took a deep breath, "if you and Bucky both ended up in two separate situations where you both needed him, who do you think he'd reach first?" You stared at him, waiting for his answer, nodding and looking away when he remained silent.

"Y/N..." He started.

"He cares about us Sam. He really does care a lot. It's in his nature to care about people, that's what makes him so amazing." You sighed, wishing you felt differently about this. "It's just that...no matter what happens, Bucky knows perfectly well that Steve will always reach him when he needs help. You and me, we're another story. He will come for us, but only if and when he can. Bucky has the assurance of 'always'. We don't. We know deep down that if Bucky is in trouble, Steve will go to him first, and us second. We have to keep a backup for ourselves. Bucky will never need a backup."

A sudden realisation dawned upon him, and Sam watched you intently. He knew what was going on in your mind.

"I'm not mad at him for that, and I'm not jealous of Bucky. I swear I'm not." You continued, wrapping your hands around the coffee mug and shuffling closer to your best friend. "Steve and Bucky...they've known each other all their lives, they have a bond that runs deeper than that of lifelong friends. They're two halves of the same soul at this point. So I get it, all of it. I truly do. I just..." You drew in a shaky breath. "There's nothing to do about it really. It's good to prioritise people, else you'd be all over the place. Honestly, it's heartwarming too, watching the two of them with each other. I've never seen Steve smile more than he does around Bucky. So...it's okay. I'm okay. Or I will be. Whatever. It's fine."

Sam pulled you closer, wrapping an arm around your shoulders, then in his usual deadpan fashion, he dropped the bombshell.

"You love him."

You snapped your head up. "What-"

"We all love him, deeply. But you're in love with him."

Uh-oh.

You turned your gaze away from him, clenching your teeth to avoid crumbling. You knew he was right, but for the life of you, you couldn't accept it out loud. It would only hurt so much more. Sam, however, found all the answers he needed in your silence.

"I know what you're gonna say - I'm selfish, I'm crazy, and I'm overreacting. I understand that." You look down at your lap.

"Is that really what you think I was gonna say?"

"It's true, regardless."

"You know everything you're feeling is valid, right? You're not a bad person because of this."

"Still wish I didn't feel all of it. Sucks to have a heart."

"You should tell him."

"I can't."

"Not about Bucky. About you. He deserves to know."

"I can't tell him that either. Don't get me started on that conversation, please. I've had it with myself way too many times. Look, we're ex-Avengers, currently on the run. We have plenty of stuff to worry about, so this will fade. It only hurts this much right now."

Steve swallowed, trying to ease the tightness in his chest as he silently stood behind you two, listening to you talk. It all made sense now - you suddenly being short with him, refusing to let him come with you as you left for Budapest earlier that month, the cold shoulder you had been giving him all the time recently. He understood it all too well now; you were hurt. And you thought he might leave you alone to get to Bucky first.

Were you right though?

Steve used to pride himself on being dependable and loyal, but for the first time ever, he realised, much to his shock, that he couldn't answer that question with absolute honesty without knowing the reply would break your heart even further.

Uh-oh.

He sniffled, then cursed himself for it, because now you two were both looking back at him, Sam's expression being one of mild surprise and shit, and yours being that of pure shock.

"How long have you been standing there?" You asked, sharply, your voice hoarse.

"I'll give you two some space." Sam slid out of the vicinity quickly, his place now occupied by Steve's six-foot, two-hundred-pound frame.

"Look I'm sorry-" you stuttered out.

"If it's for pushing me away, then yes, you owe me an apology. Because that hurt." He said, doing his best to keep his tone level and calm.

"That...yes, that, and also-"

"Otherwise there's nothing to apologise for." He shot down whatever you were going to reply with.

You sat in awkward silence for a minute before he spoke up again, "Is it true, what Sam said?"

"Sam said a lot of things, Rogers." You said flatly.

"Do you love me?" He asked quietly.

You debated with yourself over the best way to respond to this, then shrugged nonchalantly. "No more than everyone else does."

That's a lie, even I can tell, Steve thought.

He patted your knee, making you look up at him, then stared deeply into your eyes. "Come here," he said softly, opening his arms.

You looked up at him with narrowed eyes, before giving in and letting him pull you into himself.

And that's when the dam broke.

"I'm so sorry," you whispered and he shook his head.

"Don't be, please, sweetheart."

"It's true," you croaked out in response to his earlier question, as you cried into his shirt. He rubbed your back slowly, resting his chin on top of your head while holding back his own tears.

The words were on the tip of his tongue. he was so ready and willing to say it and yet...it felt shallow when he said them aloud in his head. He didn't think telling you he felt the same would mean much in this moment. So he kept quiet, choosing to simply hold you instead, doing his best to physically comfort you.

Because as much as he hated to admit it...you were unfortunately right. Bucky was his number one, and even though you were an extremely close second...that's just it - you were, after all, second.

And no confession from him would take that away.

--------------------------------------------------

[I'm sorry too.

Please reblog and/or leave some feedback if you liked this. I'd appreciate it a lot <3]

@slut-for-chrisevans @royalwriteroftheuniverse @nana1000night @jamneuromain @nekoannie-chan @peace-love-fanfiction @simpforsupersoldiers @averageambivert @breethebee7 @teardrop-on-guitar @sarahrogersevans @hawkeyes-queen @patzammit @heli0s-writes @rodrikstark @steverogerssimpp @mainly-marvel

Image from Pinterest.

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers #steve rogers x gn!reader #chris evans fanfiction #steve rogers angst #labyrinth #sapphire rogers #Spotify

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ikindamaybewanthertositonmyface · 2 years

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Hi, my name is Dahlia, that's not me up in the header image of course, that's my kitty Stormi, I'm not all that comfortable with my appearance so I figured I'd share her cuteness instead.

So I feel kinda uncomfortable doing this, but recently I wound up 3,000 dollars in debt, and I'm required to pay off 300 dollars of it each month. But I really cannot afford to do so all on my own. I barely have any money in the bank to speak of, and my only source of income is 700 dollars a month that I receive from Social Security Disability, which I've been on since I was 18. Normally this 700 is actually just enough for me to get by each month, but now with 300 dollars of it going towards paying off this debt, it's left me in a pretty bad place.

I of course have bills to pay for, including for rent, among other things. And then I also have about a dozen or so medications to pay for, medications that I need for my Depression, Anxiety, and OCD. Along with the ones for my Hormone Replacement Therapy, which I've been on for almost 4 years now.

And so the 400 I'm left with after paying off the debt each month is just not enough for me to get by.

It's lead to me having to borrow from the few friends I have just to get by, and they are all having hard enough times getting by as well, and I don't want to keep putting the burden on them. Especially when they can't afford it either.

So all in all the situation I'm in just has me having daily panic attacks, as I'm just so scared and worried about what I'm going to do, and even with all the medications I'm on, my depression and anxiety has just been out of control lately.

So last night I was talking to a friend about all this, and they suggested I try making a Go Fund Me page. Originally I wasn't sure about that, I mean it's not like I'm in a medical emergency or anything like that. And I felt, and still do feel kinda bad at the idea of asking those I don't even know for help when there are probably people out there who deserve it more then I do. But my friend assured me that things like this, the situation I'm in, is exactly what Go Fund Me is for. So here we are.

I honestly don't know if anyone will even help me out here, I can be pretty pessimistic at times, and since all this got started it's just been so much worse. Plus I know that times are hard for everyone right now. But anything you could spare would help me out a whole lot. Or if you can't help out by donating, please consider sharing this link on any social media sites you use to spread the word. Thank you.

Also, if anyone likes the pic of my kitty, I'll gladly share more pictures of her in updates, I have tons of them. :D

#Go Fund Me #GOFUNDME #Donation Post #Donation Request #Please Help #Financial Aid #Donations Needed

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halfdeadsage · 8 months

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wildflower -- sam winchester x fem!reader

hi !!! this is my first ever fic that i'm posting here (omg) so real quick introduction :) hi , my name is sage , i've only been in the spn fandom for just about 9 months but i absolutely love the show and cannot imagine my life without it <33 i'm a sam girlie but also a dean girlie at the same time (i can't choose i'm just that undecisive) .

i love writing and reading angst , it's honestly kind of a problem . literally just ask my best friend , riley (@rrylies) they can confirm that i can turn the cutest fluffiest most tooth-rotting sweet scenario into a devastating one . it's truly a gift LOL

anyways !! i hope you guys like this one and please lmk if you would like a part 2 and SEND ME REQUESTS !!! I'D LOVE TO GET REQUESTS AND WRITE WHAT YOU GUYS WANT ME TO !!

WARNINGS: death , descriptions of blood/bleeding , sad sam :( proceed at your own caution <3

word count: 1.5k

angst . so much angst .

---------------------------------------

it wasn’t meant to happen this way.

y/n and sam were supposed to live a long, happy life together. they were meant to hunt for a little while longer and then retire and live their happy little ‘apple pie life’ as dean trademarked it. they’d already talked about having kids and a dog and building their dream house together. they were supposed to be together until they were old and took their last breaths together.

simply, together.

but sometimes things don’t go according to plan. just like the moment they were in right now.

“y/n please stay with me,” sam pleaded, covered in blood. not his own. hers. he held her limp body in his arms, her shallow breaths barely audible for him to feel any sense of comfort.

“i-’m sorr..y,” she croaked out. y/n could feel herself fading away. the oxygen wouldn’t fill her lungs properly and every one of her limbs were so, so tired.

the hunt started out perfectly. y/n, sam, and dean were quick to figure out where the monster was and how to get rid of it. a nest of vampires, hiding in the woods, preying on the little town nearby. bodies had stacked up over the years, but it wasn’t until recently that it became suspicious. y/n happened to be the one to find the newspaper article.

“guys ! i found us a case!” she brought the newspaper clipping over to sam and dean so enthusiastically. she was so excited, so proud to have found a case on her own instead of relying on the winchester brothers to find one for them all. they saw the glint of her eyes and couldn’t say no.

so they went. they should have known it was too good to be true. the vampires were working with a pack of werewolves nearby. they were ambushed. dean and sam had been fighting off a pair of vampires when suddenly–

crack.

it hadn’t come from either of them. sam’s head whipped around to look at y/n, who was clutching her arm close to her chest as she continued fighting off the three monsters who’d grouped up on her. her lips were cut and he could see blood pouring out of a cut above her eye. the beginnings of a bruise stained her cheeks. sam’s vision went hazy, wanting to help her but being so afraid that he couldn’t move. it wasn’t the monsters that scared him. it was seeing y/n hurt. he was frozen in place.

it wasn’t even five seconds later when he saw the last standing werewolf swipe at y/n, eliciting a yelp from her. she swiped her silver blade quickly after and the werewolf’s head rolled across the floor. his body dropped, thudding when it went down.

she followed soon after. y/n dropped to her knees. sam finally snapped out of the trance he was stuck in, rushing to her side. the sound she made when her knees hit the floor rang in his ears as he caught her, pulling her into him.

his hands were covered in blood as he held onto her. it wasn’t his blood. nor the werewolves. it was hers.

his y/n. his sunshine. his wildflower.

she was bleeding out at an alarming rate and he couldn’t do anything. he felt useless, so utterly useless in this moment.

“hey, hey y/n. sweetheart stay with me. please stay with me,” sam practically begged her, as though it would make a difference for her current condition. his voice cracked as he yelled out for dean. his heart was breaking just as much, if not more. the tears built and built, finally spilling over like an old dam that couldn’t contain the flood.

y/n could barely keep her eyes open as she laid there, weakly grabbing onto sam’s arms. she looked down towards her wound. the deep, jagged lines from the werewolf’s claws painted her abdomen. it burned worse than anything she could imagine but the scream she wanted to let out got stuck in her throat, only building on the agony she felt.

and the blood. there was so much blood.

dean rushed over to where sam was holding y/n in his arms, clutching her close to him, like a child who didn’t want to share his favorite plushie. sam looked up at dean and they exchanged a look, prompting dean to run outside. y/n could faintly hear dean calling out for cas before the weak pounding of her blood became too loud.

“sam,” y/n rasped, her voice weak. she couldn’t keep the tears from rolling down her cheek. sam didn’t say anything, barely acknowledged that she said his name, not wanting the reality to set in of the situation. not wanting to accept that y/n was dying. the love of his life was dying and he could do nothing about it.

the wounds were too deep to patch up and the nearest hospital was 20 miles away.

“sam,” she repeated, more urgently this time, before subsiding into a minor coughing fit. the blood was coming out of her mouth as well at this point.

“shhh, don’t speak sweetheart. you’re going to be okay. it’ll be okay. dean’s going to get cas. he’s going to heal you. it’s going to be okay,” sam said frantically. he was assuring himself of this as much as he was y/n. but both of them knew that this was the end for her. if cas didn’t get here in time then she would be gone.

her breathing became shallow as the blood pooled in her lungs. she felt like she was drowning. falling deeper. and deeper. she felt herself panic and her heart trying to pump more blood, so she could breathe but it just couldn't.

“y/n please stay with me,” sam pleaded.

“i-’m sorr..y,” she croaked out.

“promise me, y/n. promise me you-you’ll hold on. promise me that you’ll recover and, and come back. that we’ll live a long and happy life together. the one that we-we..ve always dreamed o-f. with-with a little cottage in the woods. we’re going to have three kids. three of them and a dog,” he trailed off on that last word as he sobbed, stumbling over words as he couldn’t keep himself together, begging her once again “i need you to promise me that.”

“i promise. but only if you pro-mi..se me-” y/n trailed off, getting weaker with every word she said, “that you’ll move o-n. if-if i die, sam, i ne-ed you to move on.” sam shook his head, but y/n whispered a measly, ‘please.’ sam, looking into her glistening eyes, once so full of life and now fading from him, and nodded.

dean ran into the room, and sam whipped his head around towards him only to be met with a disappointing shake signaling that cas didn’t come.

“h-hey dean,” y/n whispered, coughing yet again only for more blood to come out, spilled over her lips and staining them red.

“hey, crazy girl. you’re going to be okay. don’t go pulling a me on us here, alright? heaven and hell are too crowded for you to be joining them,” dean said, taking one of her hands in his and weakly smiling at her. she chuckled weakly, as much as she could, before looking at him again with sad eyes.

“tak-ke care of sa-am for me. and take ca..re of yourself for me, to..o.” dean nodded at her and pressed a kiss to her forehead, one final goodbye for his closest friend and the girl he’d been so excited to see finally get married to sam.

that future was blurred now. no longer an option.

“i lo-ve you, sam” she croaked out one last time, giving him the best smile she could. she wanted him to remember her smile above anything.

“i love you too, wildflower,” sam sobbed, wiping a tear from her cheek and pressing one final kiss to her lips.

and so her heart slowed to a stop. her eyes became devoid of life. her body was fully limp. unmoving. unwavering. sam’s heart had stopped along with hers.

a final tear made its way down her cheek, like the last fall of snow in winter.

the flap of wings that they had all been praying to hear had finally come. but it was too late.

the sound that came next made dean wince. sams sobs had turned into such agony, such rage that he screamed out as he held the body of his now-dead lover. he screamed at cas, cursing at him, the outburst so unlike him that dean had to look away, squeezing his eyes shut.

the screams turned to silent weeping as sam held y/n's body closer to him than before, his flannel and shirt now soaked in her blood. her limp body shook in his arms as he cried.

and cried.

until he couldn’t anymore. his cheeks and eyes were raw and red from crying. he felt so worthless in himself and in the fact that he couldn’t save her. that he couldn’t get her back.

the sunshine was gone and his wildflower was dead and his heart was broken, and there was no way to fix any of it. but he’d find a way. somehow. no matter how long or what it took. he’d get her back.

#sam winchester #sam winchester x reader #dean winchester #dean winchester x reader #platonic relationships #romantic relationships #angst #so much angst #character death #sam winchester imagine #dean winchester imagine #supernatural #spn #sam x you #sam winchester fic #sam winchester fanfiction #cas makes an appearance #sagebutterfly

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diosama27 · 1 year

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Usui Takumi

So lately I've noticed a blonde guy from my class looking at me... No, to be accurate staring at me.

An: Yn was in the big girl group so no one literally gave her any attention, well she was fine with that cause she was one of the "independent women" they say but it's all because of the trust issues that she had with her past relationships and things she heard from others.

But for some reason, you knew that he was staring at your closest friend rather than you. Boys would swoon over the school's reigning queen. Misaki fucking Ayuzawa was who she was.

Misa was a typical tsundere girl who was literally without imperfections. The boys would do everything for her to notice, and since she's the prez, she obviously excels in the curriculum.

She is the goddess, a "smexy goddess," the all-powerful, supreme being. She has even rejected girls, which is painful to behold.

Everyone with a rational mind will, of course, fall for her. Because you two were great friends, a lot of males even approached you to introduce them to her.

Seriously, some guys merely talk to you to attract her attention, but she's just very protective of you and fears that you will get wounded as a result of everything. You weren't sure why, but you liked being the most important person to the school queen.

It's true because she detests men who use you as a stepping stone to approach her. She is the kind of friend that everybody desires.

But recently, she came clean about her emotions for Usui. Who has been the bad boy that most girls adored.

Honestly, after hearing this, you felt a little sad because you'd have to share your sexy bestie with someone else.

If she enters a relationship, you won't be able to spend time with her and hang out like you used to, but if she's pleased with it, you wanted to support her.

You want to make her smile, make fun of her, and discuss all the wonderful times she has had with her significant other.

That was like hearing about your daughter's love life and how happy it made you. Indeed the goddess and the bad boy thing would make a great couple, I reckon.

You get the impression that he has feelings for her, too. This relationship is now legitimate, and in a few days it might even become official.

Next day at school~~~

"Yn!! Why are you late today, uhh? What am I going to do with you?" She sighed. "Btw did you have your breakfast? Wait that's a stupid question so here" she handed you a bento similar to hers.

She does this so often she would bring food for you everytime. She's just too kind.

"Thank you misa~~~!!!!" you play cried and ate the food with her. She would do everything for you, protect you, bring you food, you can be comfortable around her, you will fall in love with her if this continues.

AN: And did I forget to mention that some of the guys and girls actually envy you for being treated like a lil baby by the queen of school.

Well you would've died a hundred times if dagger eyes could kill you, she would support you and just be there for you. The perfect waifu that everyone wants but is mine only. (Hehehe)

This usui guy wanted to say something to Misaki as he was literally all around her the whole day, but she just rejected him. It's to be mentioned that they were still in the friend stage.

You knew misa was not able to conceal her love for him. She was rejecting him only because if she spoke, he would've learned why she was a red tomato the whole day.

But you wanted him too find it out so they could get together you wanted to do something to help them confess their love for each other and come clean.

Students were already leaving their classes as the school bell rang, laughing and sighing alongside their friends and loves.

"Yn!!" When you turned around after hearing an unexpected voice call for you, you spotted him—the crucial target of your mission—in front of you.

Since you've never really said a hi or a hello to this man, you reasoned that God was on your side. You were trying to think of a way to approach him when he appeared.

"Wait, he's going to ask me to assist him in telling Misa how he feels. Yes of course, everything is going smoothly, and I only need to convince her to accept his offer. You were too preoccupied thinking about where they would go on their first date and how Usui would surprise Misa.

He was nervous, not at all like the bad guy he was, and you thought he really loved her. "Yn I want you to do me a favour and please don't say no, it's really important for me and only you could do this since Misaki trusts only you, so please," he said.

You mentally yelled out, "Yess it's here," and then asked, "Well, I'd do anything for Misa, so what is it?" You inquired, anticipating the responses you had in mind but this was different like really totally different.

"Actually, I need your support in arranging a date for Misaki with one of my friends. He attends a different school, and you can trust me when I say that Misaki would adore him. I'm not really sure how we became friends because he is nothing like me.

He is my best mate, and I want to do something for him because I know he would sacrifice his life for her. For her, he would do anything for her."

You just stood by and watched as he chuckled like a little kid while he reminisced about him and his pal.

"Please, Yn, help me in this. I know you would feel exactly the same way about Misaki, who needs to settle down with someone so she can have a lifestyle beyond the school as she's far too consumed with everything else to take care of herself. So, please."

He begged with you, and you were unable to even answer to his questions, like, "What the hell was he saying? She likes him, yet he's here asking me to set her up on a date with his best friend."

"That's not likely to happen; if he cares about her, he should come out and say it. How can she ever trust a coward who can't even communicate his own thoughts and emotions? If he truly loves her, ask him to grow up and have the guts to admit his feelings because the wonderful queen Misaki who she sure is doesn't need a love like that."

You were about to walk away when he said. "No, it's not like that, you should understand. He loves her, but he doesn't want her to know because he feels that he's not good enough to love her."

You are now really mad at how things turned out as you said "Even if we set up a date for them, Usui, do you honestly believe that Misa will accept his feelings? What are you even expecting when she doesn't even know who he is?"

He was puzzled but came up with "then how about we plan a double date so that we both could also go and make preparations for them to spend some alone time. How about that?"

'yes bye-bye misa I'm going to miss you, I'll miss you soo bad' you thought treasuring all those memories you had with misa and locking them all up in your heart.

"Wait no, no, no. That's not how it should be" you tried to think of other options but you couldn't come up with anything. When you heard him question "Then how should it be?" You were not in your right mind, millions of thoughts which were trying to make you go insane ran in your head and without even realising you blurted out the truth, the truth that only misa could say, the truth that only she has the right to say.

"Well, Misaki is in love with you" he was shocked and was comprehending what he just heard with an expression in his which waited for you to correct the sentence thinking that you made a mistake but no, it's the truth.

"What was that? No, it can't be true right? No." he paused for a few seconds but said "Yn, I'm actually in love with you. To be honest I wanted to confess in a better circumstances but I guess it too late now as it has come to this. But I have feelings for you and misa is just my friend, nothing more."

You were so shocked that your thoughts began to fade into the background of yourself and Misa and towards the reaction of the entire school once they learned what had actually happened.

He is the playboy, but now it's not the same him. He's dead serious and was anxiously anticipating your response, and you could see it as you stood still and stared at him.

You were confused, so you tried to take a glimpse of everything which happened so firstly you were You were trying to pair them up. Secondly Usui approached you and asked you to help him set up a date for Misa and his friend.

Finally he says that he's in love with you. You almost felt like you were in some kind of a tv drama or something. Things kept crashing into you.

"No, Misa is in love with you, and you need to be too. I should have no part in this, neither should your friend. Why did everything end up this way?" You could feel his hands on you while you were jabbering out loud and heard him acknowledge,

"Yn, I know all this is too much on you, but it's true, I genuinely love you and I can't even think about someone else in your stead. Don't make this a matter about others, please. I want to know what you feel about me, not how your friend thinks, please" usui says.

"I don't really know how to feel about this, maybe I need some time." You turn around to walk away when he pulls you and kiss you and says.

"I love you and I would do anything for you to love me back but I can't move on from you, no not in this life, so please give me a chance." He pleads while you stand there dumbstruck after the kiss.

Because to all this you never noticed Misa behind Usui standing in full shock trying to hold back the tears which were threatening to fall.

She just lowered her head and after a brief moment of looking away Misa murmured, "Yn, are you not cold? Would you like to walk with me as we head back home now that it's almost dusk?" As she was staring blank into your lifeless eyes. With that, she walked ahead saying "Let's meet up tomorrow, then. Take her home safely, Usui."

You didn't wait for anything and just ran behind Misa trying to stop her by then you were far away from Usui and near the local park were y'all sometimes chat for a while. She had tears stained her cheeks you couldn't just look at her like that. She was hurt. You hurt her.

"I'm sorry Misa, it's not like that, please understand. You are my friend and I'm sorry that you witnessed all this, I'm sorry, it's my fault, please, please forgive me." You cried as you hugged her.

Misa also couldn't control her emotions anymore and bursted into tears in your arms.

"Yn, I know, it's not your fault, it's just.... I can't. I don't want to loose you because of these emotions. You are one of the most important person in my life. I want you to be happy too."

"I know you love him too...."

You were trying to comfort her but when she said the last few words you knew you fucked up.

"What are you saying Misa, you think I like him, no, not a chan..." Before you could finish she said. "Yn no, stop, I know you, don't give me that crap. But I'm sorry because I realised it too late, just after I, realised my feelings for him and when I confessed it to you that's only when I knew you also like him. I'm sorry, I should have said it before."

She sobbed onto you and you couldn't console her no more, she was broken and so were you. You knew you had feelings for Usui but it didn't matter when she had the same feelings for him.

"Yn, you should go back to him and tell him how you feel. I want you to be happy and find the one that you love, now that you found him you should do all you can. Yn, do it for me, please."

Stop this, it's not how it's supposed to be. No, I don't know what to do. By then Usui caught up to you and was just waiting for y'all to have your moment. "I'm sorry Misa, I didn't know all this, I'm sorry."

She wiped her tears away and said

"It's alright Usui, atleast you knew about my feelings, and I won't regret ever having feelings for you. But please understand yn and try to pursue her by anyway possible. You won't get anyone better than her. I can assure you for that."

She looked at you and said "Yn, nothing will tear us apart, this friendship is for life, as people say you either be with me or you die, so guess it's not the later?"

She playfully teased as she forms finger gun and points it to you. You just couldn't stop the tears which were now flowing like a waterfall. You hugged her so tight and she just pampered you for some time.

"Now I feel relieved. Please take care and take her home safe. Byee." She hugged you one more time and said "I love yn, let meet tomorrow. Bye" then she left.

Now it was only you and Usui, he saw you and said "A genuinely good friend to have, I guess." As you smiled and he hugged you removing the coldness in you when Misa left.

"I love you Usui, thank you for everything." You said as you were in his arms.

You could feel him tightening his grip around you as you face upwards you find his face beaming with joyful tears. He wipes them away and says "I love you too babe. I love you sooo much"

#chubby reader #usui takumi #misaki #maid sama #angst #fluff #usui x reader #anime

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tomyo · 5 months

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Hbomberguy has unfortunately taught me that if I find myself really not gelling with someone it's probably because they're a shitty person.

Like I'm no Cassandra but all this time I remember I would just watch his videos and think "hmmm yeah, I can place my finger on it but I don't like the way he talks about these things." And then I ignored it because I thought I was just going out of my comfort zone.

I can't remember everything I beefed on him with but I definitely hated when he started to take on anime or Asian media. Overall I just think a lot of times westerners tend to assume their values and ways issues are dealt with are universal and he was just another lukewarm dive into the medium. Like its personal to me but I still stand by that Yuri on Ice isn't gay in the sense it isn't made for gay people, it's voyeuristic and pairing stories of incestuous feelings within it's short run time was a horrible choice they could have skipped. It comes to mind because I think he brought it up in one of his recent videos (I've been bedridden all week so my watch later queque has been playing on in the bg between lucidity) and it ticked me off. I hate the way he was dismissive of Heart Stopper for being twee and the whole rant about how it's not just him but other gay men too who think this! Honestly! For real guys! And for minutes I was just there like Alice Oseman is aroace! When he finally gets there it became infuriating how he diminished it's importance. Authors are allowed to let their experience effect their writing! She's not responsible to cater to you. The beauty of Heartstopper is it's release has lived through a rapid change in lgbtq acceptance and is the perfect opportunity to show that romantic and sexual inclination also exist on a sliding scale because that's something we are now widely teaching!! To write modern teen characters, you have to empathize with modern teens. They're not you!! Which is mostly good given the history of our community. It's good to get to see queer teen boys take it maybe infuriatingly slow because they don't have to be pressured for more.

James to me was always just a bit pessimistic and not really good at empathizing which given how much he stole makes sense why what he said and how he acted just felt off. It makes sense when everyone else in "breadtube" started promoting each other's works how it never seemed to happen with him. I don't remember him saying he was the only person really doing this but that's fucking bizarre to hear when the list of people who does what he pretended to was endless. Before I even watched the whole video I already brought up Matt Baume who like Hbomberguy said feels the exact opposite to James. Matt talks forward about progress, genuinely made me realize how we were always here, and the path lead forward to us getting there. Maybe it's not great to admit but there's YouTubers I watch that I know I have to psych myself up to watch, sometimes I don't like their running joke, sometimes they talk too fast multitasking, sometimes they have a habit that gets to me and I just need mental prep. James was like, "sigh here we go" that you'd feel before you were about to talk with that one friend who makes every convo abrasive and combative, I'm coming out a little annoyed and tired by the end of it. With Matt I remember it being a case of getting ready to sit down to hear a part of obscure history knowledge from that one friend who reads a book every two days. Possibly the biggest difference between the two is how much you believe Matt is committed to the material he's making because 1. It also focuses on sitcoms and old Hollywood queerness hence an well carved niche 2. It isn't as easy to churn out material. I've heard a million videos on owl house's queerness or Sherlock queer baiting but fuck all did I ever know how Tab Hunter was. There were so many "weird little funny guy" actors that I could make assumptions were gay but Matt actually gave me their stories and has made my heart cry for how hard they had it even thought I always could have figured that. And maybe that's what sucked, James as a queer man just never seemed to emotionally resonate.

Fuck, man I'm just rambling with all of this but the sheer validation of feeling off all these years paying of is wonderful. I don't really want to celebrate his downfall to much, not worth the energy, and I don't want to put another YouTuber on a pedestal because we have a bad habit of doing that only to have things turn out wrong. The thing is I watched illuminauti and Internet historian too but in the same way where I knew I was getting junk food. I wasn't looking for anything fancy and their sections did not surprise me and if anything maybe just make me feel embarrassed how comfortable I am eating badly made media. But god maybe worse is how happy I am to have someone tell me that it's alright that I don't like one gay dudes well produced videos.

#james somerton #tomyo says shit

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slow-burn-sally · 11 months

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Ok, yeah, so I think I'm autistic, and through studying up on autism traits, I've started looking at the world around me very differently. Which in turn, led me to reevaluate why I like my favorite characters, and so here's a list of my favorite characters that I believe are autistic, and why. This is just my interpretation, and my headcanons, so please don't assume I'm trying to state this as unassailable fact.

ps. I'll totally do an ADHD version of this next.

1 - My precious bean, Thomas Jopson - The Terror AMC

I mean, just look at him. He's so well organized and dedicated to his job. He's riddled with childhood trauma, and this results in him doubling down and trying really really hard to keep history from repeating itself (losing a parental figure or someone deeply important to him to illness and death). He only really makes eye contact comfortably with Crozier, and he's very single minded. Being a steward is his special interest, and he is EXTREMELY INTO IT. He's uncomfortable talking about himself, and once his order and routines are taken away, he pretty much goes off the deep end. My poor bean. Very autistic.

2 - Gilbert Norrell - Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell

Probably the most cut and dry example of an autistic character in entertainment media history. He loathes socializing, hates parties, and just wants to be left alone with his books and his magic (his special interests). He's also ace, so he finds most human beings, with their obsession with sex, and their need to gather and talk loudly together, completely incomprehensible. He's always felt like an alien, and a loner, and struggles to make social connections. When he does, he hangs onto them (namely Childermass). My grumpy, socially inept baby. Ily Gilly, and now I know why I identify so strongly with you.

3 - Sherlock Holmes - All Media Types (but for the purposes of this post, I'll focus on BBC Sherlock).

I almost don't have to say anything else. The whole fandom knows this bad boy is neurodivergent. He's got insane sensory issues, will disappear into his special interests (criminology and deduction) until he literally keels over from lack of food and sleep. He's socially inept, blunt, uncomfortable with touch, and doesn't like anyone but Mrs. Hudson, John, and Detective Inspector Gary Lestrade. He's probably a virgin, and could be ace, depending on how you see him, but as I've written a lot of Johnlock smut, I don't see him that way all the time. He's incredibly intelligent, and knows a lot about the world, but with strange gaps in his knowledge that can only be explained by not at all being able to drag his focus away from his special interests to learn things like basic astronomy, or what to say to people at a party.

4 - Tintin - The Adventures Of Tintin

This boy is very autistic to me. I'm not honestly sure why I feel this about Tintin. Based on the 2011 movie, which I'm the most familiar with, he seems both driven, goal oriented, and socially naive. He stumbles into danger by not reading the situation, and he lives alone with his dog. His best friend is a hyperactive-type ADHD alcoholic, and he strikes me as queer and autistic. If you feel the same way, let me know what you think.

5 - Fitzwilliam Darcey - Pride and Prejudice

I saw this hc in a recent youtube video by Yo Samdy Sam, and I cannot unsee it. Look at this autistic boy. He's grumpy, anti-social, and really into reading, but he also cares deeply about his loved ones, and strives to do what's morally right. He is so socially unaware, that he can't understand why Elizabeth would have rejected his proposal, even though he just totally ripped on her whole family. To be fair, Elizabeth's family are an autistic person's nightmare. All the wild cackling and gossiping, and obsession with who's marrying whom. Four sisters in law, two of whom are inordinately obsessed with ribbons and giggling, and only one of which is also autistic (*cough*Mary*cough*)

6. Bunty Windermere - Father Brown

She has zero filter, and often does not understand why the things she says are hurtful or inappropriate. She's obsessed with fashion, and she's got a keen mind. She could sit around in some posh mansion somewhere, but she chooses to spend all her time with an old priest, and a grumpy church lady, solving crimes and putting herself in danger. She likes fast cars, (and can get under the hood to fix them too) handsome men, and really cute handbags, but is also perpetually single. She doesn't fit in in the world of cocktail parties and society events that surround her, because she's just too blunt, and bucks convention by being independent, unmarried, and slutty).

8. I know this is turning out to be a list of grumpy introverts, and I don't want it to seem like that's all there is to autism, but JUST LOOK AT THIS AUTISTIC BOY - Hermann Gottlieb - Pacific Rim

Hermann is pretty classically autistic. Obsessed with math and numbers. Needs order to feel safe. Is very frustrated with other people's messy, inexact opinions. He only really warms up and comes out of his shell when he falls head over heels for his ADHD-as-fuck cannon boyfriend Newton Geiszler.

9. Last but not least (for this list anyway) DI Richard Poole - Death In Paradise.

Another clear cut case. Tons of sensory issues to light, heat and crowds. Everything must be in its own special place. He's rumored to have never had a girlfriend, and can't understand people's obsession with frivolous things like friendly greetings, small talk, or anything that's not crime solving. He falls madly in love with Camille Bordey, and pretty much flubs any chance he has with her, before dying because he's bad at facial recognition. I love you so much Richard. Never change.

Again, just my opinions. This is helping me figure out my own internal world. There are definitely more than one way to read these characters, but to me, they feel autistic.

#autism #neurodivergence #neurodivergent #autism spectrum #autistic characters #headcanons

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reliquiicis-a · 3 months

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The Oni was sitting beneath a tree, enjoying the breeze as it washed over him. He'd let out a sigh before closing his eyes for a few moments. He was thinking. What about? Well, to find out, someone would likely need to ask him. The boys were off collecting herbs, wild fruits and vegetables, and likely trying their hand at doing a small amount of hunting.

Which left the Boss, and Shinobu alone once again. Granny Oni was at her house, while it was relatively close to the Gang's headquarters, she didn't walk over to visit too often. If Shinobu stepped closer to him, he'd just reach a hand out and grab her wrist. He'd gently tug her down, likely onto his lap, which was accidental, but he didn't seem to notice, or if he did, he didn't care.

"Shinobu, I've been meanin' to talk to ya, but whenever I try to... somethin' either comes up, or I stop myself."

He'd clear his throat, before looking at her. He'd likely wrap an arm around her to adjust her onto his lap, or maybe just onto one of his thighs. It'd depend on where she decided she wanted to sit in the end. Either option was fine but he wasn't going to let her sit on the ground, unless that's where she preferred to sit.

"I've come to realize somethin', and it's prett-y recent, too. Ya... don't gotta respond if ya don't wanna, but I have to tell ya."

He'd take a deep breath, though it'd do very little to slow the quick beating of his heart. After all, he never thought he'd find himself in this position. He'd frown for a moment before his expression would soften again. If he was able to, he'd lift her chin with two fingers so their eyes could meet.

"I like ya, a lot, more than I should probably, I understand if ya don't like me back as more than a friend, but I wanted to let ya know."

After he finished talking, his hands would move away from her, and he'd resume resting against the tree. He finally admitted what he'd been feeling for a while now, likely since before their first real kiss happened, or shortly there after. He only hoped that his admission didn't scare her off. ->Who woulda thought he'd beat her to admitting feelings?

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ Shinobu wasn't expecting to be grabbed when walking over to Itto and yet, the feeling of his hand around her wrist, the warmth made her happy. However, when she was tugged into his lap, her hands reached out in front of her on instinct. She looked up at him as he spoke, she was confused. Why would he stop himself? But she didn't interrupt.

She let him move her on his lap, waiting for him to continue as she relaxed in his arms, heart beating so fast, but honestly she wasn't even thinking about that anymore. Honestly, she was so comfortable and so... happy. She was in need of this, having felt weighed down by her negative feelings and thoughts.

Blushing lightly when their eyes met, she nearly combusted when he admitted how he felt about her. "Itto, a-are you sure?" She asked, softly. Was this really how he felt? There wouldn't be any reason for him to lie to her like this, right? When he released his grip on her, she turned in his lap carefully, arms wrapping around his body as she buried her face into his chest.

"I don't know when this happened either, but I've.. started feeling things, too." She said, mumbling softly. "And I mean there's some boundaries and things we're going to have to discuss, but today has been really tough and, well...." She said, looking up at him. "Do you mind... if I just stay here for a little while?" She asked, "And can I kiss you?" ( @crimsononiarataki )

#; msg. ( shinobu kuki )#crimsononiarataki #.answered

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becca-e-barnes · 2 years

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Hey Becca,

I really need some advice and I don't really have anyone to talk to but I remember a while ago seeing a post you made helping another girl out when it came to dating/advice.

So I'm 20 and I've never dated anyone before, but there's a guy at work (who is 31) and I've recently found out from a close work friend that he wants to ask me out on a date. I was extremely happy to hear this since I've liked him for a while now and he's always been incredibly sweet and kind to me.

However, yesterday during my shift I briefly mentioned my attraction for the first time ever to my "work mum" in HR and she told me I should be careful. At first I thought it was due to the age difference or that we worked together which was what made her concerned but it actually wasn't. She then told me that this man has a Domestic Violence charge against him from his past ex.

I always found this guy to be really calm, even when work is hectic at times, and there were several points during last Christmas that he really looked out/after me. So hearing this coming from her was honestly a little shocking and I don't think it would be wise to start dating him with this knowledge in mind.

Essentially, what I'm trying to ask is, would it be foolish of me to pursue something with him? I'm young, inexperienced and at times often naive. Generally I'd prefer to openly communicate and try to clear things up but I don't think this would be an appropriate topic to discuss.

- 💛

Tw: Domestic violence mention

Honey, honestly, I've re-written this so many times because I like to give context for my thinking with these topics but ultimately, I've decided I'm not going to share personal experience. I'm really glad you at least felt like you could ask for some advice though.

I have a rule that I set myself around the time I turned 18 and I stick to it.

If, for whatever reason, I need to ask a partner to clarify something, I will ask them.

It’s so simple but I found it was something I just wasn’t doing?

There's no such thing as an "inappropriate topic to discuss". This is your safety. Ultimately, you are the only person on the planet who will put your own safety first. If you don't, no one else will do it for you so don't be shy with it!

That's a rule I use with a whole lot of different situations. If I feel like I need to ask a partner about their sexual health for my own safety, I will do so. If I need to ask something personal because I know I have no fucking poker face and it’ll help in the long run, I'd rather be prepared and informed. There's a whole lot of occasions where you'll have to ask difficult questions for the sake of your own wellbeing and you should never fucking compromise on that just because the topic is tough or uncomfortable.

Any partner will always have the right to tell me to fuck off if they don’t like my question. No one ever owes me an answer and I wholeheartedly respect that. But if that's their decision and if, for whatever reason, they don't fully put my mind at ease, I have every right to leave.

It seems so basic but I feel a lot of the time, we let those worries build and you almost get past the point where you feel like you can ask? Like imagine you start seeing that man and you don't ask him about what you heard. That will always be in the back of your head and perhaps maybe 6 months in, you'll feel like it would be weird to ask. If I were you, I'd ask as soon as there's any suggestion of anything romantic between the two of you.

So yeah, I'd be encouraging you to ask him about it. It doesn't need to be a huge deal, just "look, I heard something and I won't feel comfortable going any further with this until we chat about it, would you mind?" If he doesn't respect that from the outset, that's his choice but it says a whole lot about his character.

It might be helpful to keep in mind though that if there's an ongoing legal case, he'll have hopefully been given advice not to talk about it with anyone. He might refuse to share anything with you on that basis and at that stage, you'll have to make a decision for yourself. It might not hurt to google him and search through the "news" tab if you haven't done that already.

Give yourself at least an opportunity to make an informed decision on what you want to do. You're a grown adult, I can't tell you what to do with whatever information he provides. You're entirely welcome to make your own decision on that but please please go with your gut. If you have even the tiniest doubt left after his explanation, don't fucking squash it because he seems nice or friendly. There are other fish in the sea that won't make you feel unsafe. It's no way to live and there's not a single person alive that is worth compromising your own safety or security for.

I wouldn't feel comfortable if I didn't mention the fact he’s a little older than you. Now of course, the age gap is not a problem in itself, everyone here knows where I stand on that. My problem is an allegation like that, with the age gap and the fact you describe yourself a "naive" and "inexperienced". I just worry that he might feel you could be manipulated and I wouldn't feel right if I wrote all this and didn't draw attention to that. I'm not making any preconceptions about the man but I feel like it needs to be said.

I know it's not easy to ask. It's not easy to talk about things like this so early on and it's perfectly understandable to be hesitant about asking but realistically, we can't afford to be.

Please just be safe!! I don't want to influence your decision, it's not my place to tell you what to do but I just hope some of that has been helpful in some way 💗

#asks answered <3 #💛 anon #big sister becca #tw: domestic violence #tw: domestic abuse #tw: dv #Reading this back and it sounds preachy #it wasn’t meant to #but I have a lot of thoughts on it

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digimonloving · 2 years

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Oh my gosh I love your blog so muchhhh!! I've been waiting patiently for the ask box to open! Could I pretty please get a little ficlet of a Female Tamer x Dark master Puppetmon with some sweet cuddles and mutual pinning? ( I just love him so much!!) 🥺

Thanks a bunch and keep up the good work! ❤️

Puppets and Pining | Ficlet | Puppetmon x Fem Tamer Reader

Puppetmon had never thought that he'd be partnered with a Tamer -- especially one like you. You were so nice to him, and he really didn't know how to handle it. He'd never really experienced genuine kindness, though he never exactly felt he deserved it with how he could act. But you really proved him wrong with how you acted towards him.

Admittedly, he wasn't the happiest once he learned he was partnered with a human in the beginning, considering his conditions. So, at first... He was quite tough for you to deal with as he kept ignoring you and would yell at you when you tried to get close to him. He didn't like humans! You best leave him be! Yet with as much as he tried to ignore you, to yell at and threaten you, you kept by his side. Which led to him eventually accepting having you there.

But then he was just quiet as he watched you and silently protected you. Puppetmon really wanted to be closer to you, he really did! You didn't abandon him or anything, not even when he was nothing but rude and cruel. Your kindness won him over, and he felt awkward approaching you in any way now.

He still didn't think he deserved your kindness, though would always mumble a soft thank you whenever you brought him something you thought he might enjoy. He kept everything you got him in a separate box compared to the rest of his stuff, just because he thought that each and every gift was special since you got it specifically for him. He really did cherish everything you thought he'd like, it made him smile when he looked at them.

Only recently did he start sitting beside you when you were resting on one of his couches in his little home. He was trying to push himself to be closer to you and open up more instead of being quiet. And when you let him rest his head against your arm, he couldn't help but almost immediately feel comforted and almost safe in a way.

After that, Puppetmon would ask for cuddles any time you both had the time, and you would offer them so willingly to him, how could he not ask for them!! He loved being held, and you made him feel so comfortable and like he was cared for more than he thought would be possible by anyone before.

You honestly couldn't help but giggle every time he asked, since he'd get shy about it on some days, and a near visible blush somehow appeared on his wooden face.

So... You would lay with him in your arms, curled up as you used your free hand to read or be on your phone as he just snuggled up to you. Sometimes he'd rant about some Digimon that made him upset earlier, or talk about the other Dark Masters and the fact they didn't let him have any of his fun, and you couldn't help but laugh as he wildly flailed his arms as he explained everything.

He was simply too adorable to you. You listened to his explanation every day when he snuggled up into your arms as he either had enough energy to flop over and start ranting, or he'd just keep his head buried in your neck and mumble his complaints.

"MetalSeadramon was so mean to me today..."

He'd complain, grumbling as he kept his head down as his arms wrapped around your midsection. He wished he could stay like this forever... You gave him so much comfort. He didn't know what this new feeling creeping up on him was, but the more you both cuddled, he felt it growing more and more and he really just... didn't know what to say about it.

Did he even tell you how he was feeling? You were kind to him and just being a good friend.... would this new feeling ruin that? He didn't want to lose you. He didn't like the idea of going back to being alone. Not when you managed to snake your way into his wooden heart and make a home there. But it was because of this feeling he wanted to tell you how he started to feel about you now. You were his Tamer, though, so would it be weird? Would you not want to be with your Digimon in that way?

So many questions swim through his head constantly, and half the time that's what he wallows about while he's cuddled up in your arms. Though... you'd be lying if you weren't in almost the same boat.

Was it even allowed for Digimon and humans to be together? Puppetmon was a funny little guy who you adored the moment you laid your eyes on him. Even with his attitude towards you when you first met... he was still so cute. Just how he acted out could be a bit much, but the more you got to know and understand him, you completely got it.

But would Puppetmon feel the same was the dilemma. You couldn't help but wonder what went on in his mind as he held you and laid in your lap as you had your arms wrapped around him as well. He always removed that large puppet cross on his back to make it easier and more comfortable to hold him. Which was thoughtful on his end, always.

You could go for it, while you're both cuddled together, him resting his head on your collarbone as he just... remained quiet. But how? How would you bring it up? How would he bring it up if he felt the same? You doubted that he saw you as more than just a friend and a Tamer -- he always said how much he loved having friends. Love was probably a concept that was lost on him.

Little did you know how much Pupetmon looked at you with such feelings. so much that he didn't know how to express them at all. He wanted to. And you wanted to, but it seemed neither could muster the courage... Not for now.

For now.. it was just sweet and innocent cuddles. Nothing more. As much as you thought about it, and as much as he thought about it, too.

#Digimon #Digimon x Reader #Digimon x S/O #Puppetmon x Reader #Puppetmon x S/O

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massiveblazenacho · 1 year

Text

Midnight blues: Seamus Finnigan

You sit on the cool, stone stairs of the corridor outside your common room with a vacant stare and a heavy heart. Your grades, especially in potions, weren't nearly as good as everyone was expecting you to do. Including yourself. People often told you that there was more to life than academic success and grades but in your heart you felt as though it was the only measure of your achievement.

It was a cold night tonight and a wind swept through the castle causing you to shiver. You were only in your pyjama shorts and t-shirt but then again it was a June night so you were expecting it to be warmer. You wanted to go back to your dorm but something kept you rooted to the ground even in despite of your ever growing fear of bein g caught by filch. The thought of the comfort of your warm bed and mountain of pillows sounded tempting but some universal force wanted you to stay where you were.

"y/n?" You hear a voice from behind you ask but you are not startled because the deep Irish accent is very familiar to you by now. You've basically stalked him enough to be able to hear his voice from the other side of Hogwarts.

"Seamus" you say turning and trying to smile at the boy behind you but it ends up being more like a grimace.

He's standing in his black and red plaid trousers, an oversized jumper that reached the palms of his hands and ruffled up brunette hair. To you, he had never looked more endearing as you wanted to ruffle a hand through his incredibly soft looking hair and kiss every freckle on his face.

"What're you doing out so late?" He asks coming to sit next to you to which you try and contain a smile.

"One of my roommates snores which is okay as long as I can sleep before her but....i can't sleep tonight" you tell him as honestly as you could be. In all truthfulness this was mostly a lie and you both knew it. You had every ability to chant some spell so you couldn't hear her.

"I get the feeling. Ron snores especially when he's had fire whisky in him" Seamus smiles gently at you, choosing not to interrogate you on why you lied.

You appreciate this as you find it difficult to talk about your feelings but Seamus was this comforting energy that made you want to confess all your deepest secrets to him. But you didn't.

"You haven't heard Harry on the stuff then. That kid turns into something different I swear" you chuckle remembering the last gryffindor party you attended which ended in harry being passed out on the sofa. "Anyway what're you doing up?"

"Well you see your energy is just too strong I could feel it from my dorm so I decided I needed to come down and check your okay" Seamus grins at you, showing all of his teeth. You think he's the most beautiful being to exist.

"Likely story because Luna actually got rid of all of my negative energy" you tell him truthfully with a raised eyebrow.

Once your friend Luna Lovegood saw your results, she spent the afternoon cleansing your aura so that you could 'focus on being positive'. In Luna speak that means she needed someone to have a dance party to ABBA with. If you weren't careful she would break out singing Chiquita.

"In all honesty? I've been having problems sleeping recently" Seamus confesses to you staring at the floor intently "I usually go down to the kitchens for a snack but that hasn't been working recently"

"Dobby will be upset to hear that. From what I've heard you're one of his favourites" you tell him with your gaze narrowed onto his face which he proceeds to meet

"Awww have you been asking about me l/n" he teases, nudging your shoulder with his making you blush at the contact. You were lucky it was dark in the castle at this time of night.

Yes. You had been asking literally everyone you had ever interacted with about him. But it wasn't like you were going to tell him that.

"pfft nooooo...." you look away chuckling to yourself "who even are you again? Stalker."

"Wow!" He fakes hurt, grabbing his chest as though he were wounded and leaning away from you. Your heart is going at a million miles an hour and you worry that if it goes any faster, he's going to hear it from all the way over there. "Fight me. Right here right now"

"Don't start something you know you're going to lose" you taunt with a cocky smirk on your lips and an element of sparkle in your eye.

"Quidditch pitch. Now. First to score to 100 wins" he challenges, standing up and placing his hands on his hips making you laugh at him.

"Now that's an offer I cant refuse" you tell him. You would take any opportunity to play the sport that you loved. Day, night, sunrise, sunset. You were there and ready He offers you his hand as he pulls you up from your seated position on the floor. Something seems to jolt in you as you realise that you just touched the Seamus finnigans hand. You try your best to let that not show on your face but you also anticipate that it has a mind of its own anyway.

You both hurry along the corridors, keeping an eye out for Filch and Mrs Norris. The rhythm of your feet pounds in you heart like a drumroll to your favourite song, a build up before the bridge. You try and stifle your laughter as Seamus cautiously peers round a corner to make sure it was safe before giving you a nod, grabbing your hand and running down the hallway which you know is Mrs Norris's favourite to patrol.

Eventually you reach the double doors that lead to the Quidditch pitch. You can still remember the flurry of people that flooded through these same doors on the last match day that seemed like only yesterday. Seamus looks at you with a smile like he can read your very thoughts, maybe the same ones fueled his drive for everyday life at Hogwarts.

You let go of his hand reluctantly to push open the extremely heavy doors, trying to do it quietly to not stir the silent castle. The door rumbles and you wince, giving Seamus a look of worry and concern. He nods at you reassuringly and you push the door the final stretch open. The cool air hits you like a punch and you lean your head back, closing your eyes at the blissful freshness. Breathing in the scent of the fresh grass and clean air made you smile, taking a deep breath in and relaxing your shoulders.

"Let's go" you finally verbalise to Seamus who you realise was watching you contently. You shoot him a cheeky smile as you grab his arm and pull him into a jog until you reach the Quidditch supply shed.

You pull out a Quaffle and search around for where the spare brooms are since yours is still in your room. You pick out a cleansweep for both you and Seamus so that the game is a fair match. The familiar feel of a broomstick in your hand makes you reminisce to your first year of Hogwarts where you discovered your love for flying.

You pass him the broom with a challenging smile on your face which he swiftly returns to you. Your hands briefly touch as the broom is exchanged and you swear you feel electricity tingling up your whole spine. You wonder if he feels it too but you quickly dismiss the idea from your head. You don't even know how you got here since you were only acquaintances with Seamus due to being in the same year and therefore having mutual classes. He can't think of you that way. It's not logistically possible with the chances of him liking someone instead of you or just simply wanting to be friends.

When you snap out of your daze, Seamus is already a few paces away from you. You head to the opposite side of the pitch and prepare yourself for the feeling of flying again. You slip the broom and furrow your eyebrows at how your pyjamas are making you slide around on the wood. This was only a technical issue because you were sure you would win.

You kick off on the floor making your broom swiftly move up into the air. You clutch onto the handle suddenly, the unfamiliar material of your pyjamas causing a different flying experience than you expected. The quaffle is firmly secured under one of your arms as you use the other to steer. You can see Seamus also flying upwards to start to try and defend the 3 hoops.

You surge forward with a confident posture as the wind whips through your hair, providing a chilling breeze that knives you to your bones. And yet somehow it makes you feel more alive than you ever have done on the ground. You lean forward, willing your cleansweep to go faster, to catch Seamus off guard. You correct your posture as you gain distance and steady yourself to take a shot. Your eyes meet Seamus' as you level before him and his eyes dare you to try and beat him. You maintain this eye contact as you throw the quaffle into the left hoop without him even noticing that you didn't have it anymore.

Once he realises, he swiftly catches the quaffle and stares at you with his mouth agape. You merely shrug at him internally feeling very proud of your success.

"How the bloody hell did you do that?" He asks, his voice high pitch in wonder

"I've just done it enough times to know the angles and measurements" you say modestly with a tilt of your head as you back away towards your set of hoops.

"You should try out for your team next year" Seamus encourages with the look of awe still sparkling in his eyes as he grins at you.

"Hmm would you be in the crowd supporting me?" You tease lightly only flirting a little.

"Of course. I'll even make banners with Luna in support of you" he smiles and you assume he's flirting back "I'll paint your number on my face too"

"The day I see that is the day I die" you joke moving away even closer to him, inching closer and closer by the second.

In one swift movement you speed forwards, grabbing the quaffle out of his arms and speeding towards the hoop, shooting and scoring.

"That's unfair!" He protests loudly as you do a victory cheer. However he only shakes his head with a fond smile as he watches you dance.

You finish up the game and there were no surprises when you were the first to reach 100. You swooped down and landed on the dewy grass beneath you. Seamus quickly follows in suit, tumbling down onto the grass and requiring your hand to lift him back up again.

"What was that again? 100-10?" You joke bumping your shoulder into his to which he chuckles in embarrassment covering his face with his hand.

"I maintain that it was unfair because you're clearly a professional" He compliments you and you blush under his gaze. However you are soon distracted by the shiver that erupts in you as you are consumed by coldness.

"You're freezing!" He exclaims as he touches your cheek which you lean into willingly "Here take this"

He takes off his jumper to hand to you. You start to protest wondering if he would be cold but you laugh as you realise he has many layers on underneath. You smile gently at him as you accept the offering and get his help to put it on.

The jumper is slightly large on you but the pure warmth and comfort immediately makes you feel happy. You pull the sleeves over your hands that shake in the cold night air. The smell of Seamus' oaky cologne on the jumper is subtle but there and you yearn for more.

"You're so beautiful" Seamus confesses, his eyebrows pitched into a look of wonder and his mouth wide with admiration.

"I was just thinking the same about you" you grin at him which he easily returns back to you. He leans forward and your eyes widen with confusion and shock as he pushes your hair behind your ear with a soft finger.

He touches your jaw. A simple touch which tells you that he desires the same as you. You nod at him slowly giving him permission to do it. He responds with a look of pure happiness as his hand cups your jaw, pulling you towards him until your lips eventually connect. The feeling of being so close to him is sensational and a sense of giddiness surrounded you both as you felt drunk off happiness. Tremors were sent along your spine as you smiled against his lips. When you finally let eachother go, you leant your head against his shoulder and chuckled with him as you savoured being close under the nights stars.

"I think we need to get you to bed" Seamus told you and you worried for a split second that he regretted the kiss.

Your head snapped up from his shoulder as you shot him a quizzical look, your face looking hurt as he realised what you thought.

"Oh god no! I just want like because it's a Saturday tomorrow I was thinking maybe if you're free because I know I'm free that I could maybe like take you out on a date?" He rambled and you grin feeling an overwhelming feeling of pure contentment consume you.

"I would like nothing more" you agree letting him walk you back to the castle. Suddenly, potions grades are the last thing on your mind as you sleep that night

#Harry potter #Seamusfinnigan #Fluff #Fanfic #Luna Lovegood #Romance #Newwriter #heartfelt #fictional crushes

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yanderelovlies · 1 year

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✨Galaxy Anon ✨ here!

I’m doing good. Sorry I didn’t respond for a day. I was really busy that day and hardly had energy to respond! Are you well?

We all need some Joseph in our lives. Also did you see the new designs for the sunny day Jack characters? What’s your opinion and also what’s your favorite artsyle for the characters? I like the second phase the best. They look the best in that.

Yes like I actually forgot what a noun and a verb is and I feel so stupid. Have faith dude you have great work!

At least you stood your ground and that must’ve been awkward I would’ve said no and try to escape as fast as I can.

Thanks I really hope so too. Honestly I know this isn’t the worst situation at least my other co workers leave me alone and don’t antagonize me or anything

Nice. Though I will see if I could do it since my mom is home when I am and she doesn’t know about all of this and definitely would not approve. Also because I usually don’t share my discord since it’s very private to me. I mean only one person I know has my information there and I also suck at discord since I don’t know what the hell I’m doing so I have to think about to share my discord with you. No offense just it’s very private to me. She must’ve seen some shit because people come with weird injuries sometimes or even brutal ones. Oh yeah cuts are scary sometimes especially since I never seen it but one I heard a kid had a cut so bad that you could see the bone and apparently he didn’t even cry. Fucking nightmare fuel there.

That had to be a bitch honestly. Since you had to be a parent in a young age you had less time for school and even less for personal time which everyone needs. That’s actually concerning since lots would get suspicious at this point. Then again if they intervened they mostly wouldn’t care why just the fact you kissed school and think you’re a trouble kid or something. Yeah it adds up since doing both really can put a burden and a heavy load on someone. Wish I could’ve done that because kids are mean as hell but man that must’ve been a lot of days. It’s no problem at all, you deserve to have a listening ear and be able to get that weight off your chest. Thanks viví I will when I’m ready since not to mention I will delete my current account but no worries it’s just to make a new one to start fresh honestly.

Guess we have the fic to thank for this poll and now we getting more smutty works~ Hey I think it’s good, one of the best I’ve seen in this fandom.

It's okay galaxy take the time you need. Life can get busy I'm just glad you are okay 💕 um today wasn't my best day, but I'm sure it will be better tomorrow.

I did! Personally I think they are all so nicely done, and it's so amazing how they've improved over time. I won't lie I really love the current style. It's so pretty and eye-catching.

I've done that before it was so fucking embarrassing lmao. Also thank you dear 💕

It was at first and I felt bad, but I was having a hard time there and I couldn't stay longer then what I had to.

That's true. I hope it stays that way.

That's no problem at all! If you don't feel comfortable with giving discord I totally get it. It was really just a silly suggestion 💕. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. Yeah she has seen some shit, and she isn't afraid to share stories. Even when she talks about them I cringe and she just laughs at me lol.

It did take a tole more long-term honestly. Let's just say I'm socially awkward in person and get terrible anxiety in public. I've gotten better thanks to the effort, but I still have a hard time making friends. So when I lost my group recently it's been hard. It's no problem galaxy take all the time you need. I'll be here 💕💕

I'm excited to share them when they are ready tbh.

#vivi talks #galaxy anon

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qandgay · 1 year

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I'm sorry if this ends up being kind of like a long ranty thing- I'm not really sure where else to ask these kinds of questions, and this seems like the right place? idk. also cw for alcohol

im a guy (i thought?) and i've been dealing with a whole sexuality crisis recently as I tried to figure out what the hell mine is and just. Not being able to figure it out. and it took a while but i think I figured it out that i'm aroacespec and like guys. and i'm currently sort-of-dating one of my friends who helped me figure it out (we're not sure what label we wanna put on it yet)

but then one day we were hanging out and we were drunk and i kind of zoned out and had a weird moment where i imagined myself as a girl- i even came up with a different name and everything- and i didnt think much about it until the next morning and i was sober

and it just kind of feels like everything i've figured out so far has suddenly been broken. like i thought i was straight for so long and then literally had panic attacks over maybe liking guys and then finally accepted that i liked guys and that i'm queer. and it felt right and it felt comfortable. and then suddenly i might be a girl and i'm straight again and it feels wrong like i dont feel like being straight is right for me. my attraction to my partner isn't straight, labeling it as straight feels wrong, and even saying that it's bi or something like that doesnt feel right either. our relationship being anything but two guys feels wrong but now suddenly i dont know if i am a guy

and i've looked at nonbinary labels and multigender labels and things like turigirl and a whole lot of things but nothing is clicking and nothing is feeling right and i dont really know what to do. ive tried talking to some of my queer friends but nothing they've suggested has helped (not their fault, they really did their best but i'm just really confused on everything) so far i've just been calling myself unlabeled on pretty much all fronts but it feels wrong not to have words to describe everything that's going on with me. it kind of feels lonely not having a word to say 'this is what i am and there's other people like me'

and honestly i dont even know if i am a girl i just can't stop thinking about the way i imagined my hair being done and the name i picked out which i have only just now realized is literally just a feminine version of my partner's name that's odd but also i dont know if i still see my current appearance as me and my current name as me i don't know which one is more correct

im sorry if this is a lot or confusing or whatever my mind is a mess right now. i'm just really confused on.. basically everything

alright so first off, i want you to just take a few deep breaths- it's ok if you were wrong!

second. you never have to be straight. even if you're unsure about your attraction to others, you don't have to use the label! i personally use queer to describe my sexuality. that's my label

third: there is never a more 'correct' version of yourself than what you're comfortable with. throw away labels, throw away expectations: what would you be most comfortable with? it's ok if you don't have an answer right away, but think on it.

and finally, you don't even have to use labels if you don't want. you'll end up being whatever you'll end up being! if you get things wrong that's fine- use this as an opportunity to experiment with your identity. even if it's only with a few trusted people.

-- mod hollow

#mod hollow #q and gay #identity #gender identity #sexuality #gender #hope this helped dear <33 #i can always test out a name and pronouns for you if you like!

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yoori-ya · 1 year

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30 before 30

I was waiting to writing something like this on my 30th, but there's only a week-and-a-half separating me from my birthday. It's not like once the clock strikes midnight on Dec 2, a third eye is going to open up on my forehead. Will 30 be so different from 29? Rationally, I know probably not, but I can't help feeling as if I'm approaching a threshold.

Maybe because 30 is a such a round number. A decade is neat bundle of ten years to tie up and pack away.

D told me this summer, out of nowhere, "Man, you really did your twenties right."

Did I? I feel like I spent the first half stumbling around in the dark, my internal-monologue really just a constant, existential scream as I scrambled for some sort of handhold. There was no official manual lowered down on a golden rope, but I was lucky enough to fall in with older friends who brought me under their wing. Honestly, most of the advice they gave me only recently started sticking. Back then, I still took some steep stumbles despite their best efforts, but I felt as if I at least had some direction--ideas to strive towards, heroes to put on pedestals. As I’ve gotten closer, the plaster has cracked off, and I’ve come to see the people beneath, but that's more a of a testament to how far I’ve come.

Back then most of my angst was rooted in wondering who it was. If you asked me who I am these days, I probably still wouldn't know how to answer, but the difference is that it doesn't cause me much grief. I'm comfortable with not being able to fit in a clearly labeled box. I'm okay that Sometimes-Shy-Sometimes-Outgoing-but-Usually-Hotheaded-Loudmouthed-Impulsive-Overthinking-Anime-Nerd-Who-Likes-to-Drink doesn't exactly describe me, and that no amount of words and hyphens may ever be enough to. I'm okay with it, just like I'm okay with knowing that when I look up at the night sky, I'll never be able to name every star laid out above me. It's nice enough that it's all there. I'm okay with it because I know no matter how other people perceive me, label me, view me, I not only know what's important, I have it in me to protect it.

Experience can be a brutal teacher, but it's thorough, and I've learned again and again the bitterness of quietly ceding bits of myself so that I can be written into someone else's story. People, I have learned, can be selfish. People, I have learned, will want me to behave to fit whatever script they have written for me. People, I have learned, can get upset when I refuse to play the role. I have also learned, however, that I can survive the heat of their anger. When I was younger, my father taught me to anger someone was the end of the world. B was a little shitstain on humanity's underpants, but he did help me to unlearn that terrible lesson, taught me how to find my voice, how to stand up for myself and my own story.

The existential scream is ongoing, but these days it's less about who I am and more about what I want out of life. Where is it that I want to turn my rudder towards? Where is my story? I feel like I’ve kept my sights fixed on one point because I was told to, and only now am I starting to understand how broad the horizon really is.

A gets pissed every time I bring up the fact that we’re practically thirty. "I feel like we haven’t accomplished anything," she says whenever I asked her why she's pissed. I stay quiet and just slowly nod my head because I can’t agree. I’m not sitting in that corner office J and I always joked about, I still haven’t written that book, but I remember how all I wanted ten years ago was for the world to slow and be little kinder. The world has done neither, but the fact that I can walk a little more sure-footed down life's often bumpy terrain still feels big.

People always talk about how they’d do their twenties differently if given a chance. That’s impossible, but I think standing at the base of my thirties outfitted with all the tools I’ve picked up in the last decade is the next best thing. So maybe D was right, maybe I really did do my twenties right.

Somehow, between the beginnings of this entry and its end, a bottle of wine has been imbibed. Thanks for always chronicling me, little blog.

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