#and i want to experience that myself and not thru pictures

[prettyboysmlm]

mental illness gone once again hyperfixating on a dead mall near my house

#was looking thru liminal tag and saw pics taken recently there #i’ve wanted to go in there for like two years and i’ve begged my mom multiple times to take me #and of course as soon as i go on my own #i find out that it closed for fire safety two months before :)))) #so all the doors were locked #this was back in february #but the pics i just saw on here are from this past september #and the person says they took them themself #i sent them an ask asking how they got in #bc holy shit it’s beautiful in there. #from the pictures i’ve seen it’s absolutely gorgeous #and i want to experience that myself and not thru pictures #i’ve actually been in there before but it was when i was like three so i don’t really remember it #i’m hoping those pics aren’t old and that they actually found a way to get in recently #bc if so i want to go #it’s so beautiful you don’t understand #i’d say which mall it is but i don’t wanna give away my location #praying they respond since they last posted a month ago #please please god i want to get in so badly #k.txt

[hoshi-y]

Fluff Headcanons

Genre : Fluff

Characters : Yugi Amane, Yugi Tsukasa, Mitsuba Sousuke

TW : None

A/N : omfg I did it again I accidentally deleted the original process 😭 I mean great cause I absolutely went off track with the forst one, bad cause I won't be able to show the request DAMN IT HAUSHSHA I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF

Also, I made these three alive cause I have a brilliant Idea in mind

I hope you enjoy 😞💗

I love you too.. Dummy..

Mitsuba would be the type to shyly give you back hugs

Long hugs even

LIKE He doesn't wanna say he wants hugs, he shows you through his facial expression

"??? Sousuke... Why are you making faces at me.."

"N-NEVERMIND DON'T LOOK!!"

You'd purposely act dumb so you can see how much he can last without your affection lol

Which he didn't last for long of course

The duration of hugs and cuddles is based off how tired he is or how needy he is

He just wants you to hold him

I just know this guy loves Forehead kisses

When you move his bangs just to give him a kiss on the forehead 😭😭

HE'D SECRETLY MAKE YOU HIS SUBJECT FOR TAKING PICTURES I DARE ANYONE TO TRY AND ARGUE WITH ME

After schools, you two would head to the convenience store

Maybe yk take candid photos of each other before almost getting kicked out by the owner—

You two would stroll around the park sometimes

Totally wouldn't stop every second to take a photo—

Mitsuba absolutely hated crowds, so you two woulf sometimes hang around his house or yours

and its one of those day where it was raining and you're in the sheets with your boyfriend cuddling while watching a movie

an experience and a memory you wont ever exchange for

I Miss You!!

Its not a drill, you already know how he is

Very clingy, 24/7

No matter where you two are, he is always clinging onto you

There was a time he whined that you let go of him just to go to the bathroom lawl

Tsukasa was a very extroverted person and just loved being in the crowd

But where you're not within the crowd man he'll just go home

He LOVES to cuddle with you

Hug you

I just know he gives out the best long hugs by gow clingy he is

You want something? He'll get it for you ASAP

He doesn't want his beautiful S/O waiting now does he

HE LOVES YOUR HEAD PATS

Especially when he lays down on your lap omfg

He absolutely loves it when you run your fingers thru his hair and give him pets

did this mf just purr?

Whenever your sad, Tsukasa would roll you up into a sushi and cuddle with you as the both of you watch your favorite movies it's just adorable

I'll stay

Amane is also very clingy but not to the extent he'll even follow you to the bathroom—

He is a very affectionate guy

He recharges by your touch absolutely mhm

He wants to hold you everywhere you go

No matter the place he just wants to be close to you

HE GIVES OUT THE BEST CUDDLES

Amane also loves it when you pet him and brush his hair your hand he thinks it is very soothing

Amane will also spoil you ROTTEN

Affection? Kisses? Gifts? Oh you name it

You won't be disappointed hehe

I just know Amane would play with your hands and purposely measure them with his so he can sneakily hold your hand

"Hey, Love, Your hands are alot smaller than mine"

"Ehh?? What do you mean?" He held out his hand and you put it ontop of his as Amane suddenly held it tenderly making you blush furiously

"See?~ Mmm I was wrong it fits perfectly with mine~"

"WAAHHH" He laughed at your flustered state

He loves to kiss your hands, your face, neck oh boy he will not leave any spots untouched

I feel like Amane would be the type pf guy who will make sure if you've eaten, how you're doing or what you're doing yk

He'll send the most cutest texts too hehez

When your sad, He'll hold you so close until your sadness evaporates

"Smile for me yeah? I'd much rather see that beautiful smile of yours than it turning into a frown.." Amane kissed your forehead as he held you tight

"I'll stay until you're now feeling better.."

Hello, I'm sorry it took so long but I haven't been feeling okay the whole month

#toilet bound hanako kun #jibaku shoujo hanako kun #tbhk x reader #hanako kun #jshk #tbhk #tbhk hanako #yugi amane #tbhk amane #amane x reader #yugi tsukasa #jshk tsukasa #tsukasa x reader #mitsuba x reader #mitsuba sousuke #tbhk mitsuba

[honeytonedhottie]

Hey honey hru? i hope ur doing well <3

i need advice on how to stop overthinking!! I will literally manifest anything and everything and then i’ll be like “why is this happening to me?!? does this person like me fr or are they just doing it because they want to use me” “do i deserve this” etc etc and it’s so frustrating!!! i know i have the ability to create anything i desire but why is it that once the 3d catches up i basically reject it by becoming self conscious and thinking i don’t deserve it and go back to square one? I just don’t know how to stop feeling like people is going to use me for something (i think it comes from me overthinking a past experience and guarding myself) but i wanna stop because i genuinely love being open to people and i want to accept people 😭 it’s so confusing. sorry if this was all over the place 🫶🏾💗

hiii thank you for ur question prettyfacedbabe 🫶🏽 ok so overthinking is something i think that everyone struggles with to some extent so hopefully the tips i give can help you 💗

nervous system regulation - thru deep breathing/breathing exercises in general

a breathing exercise that i myself do is i'll take my finger and block one of my nostrils, then breathe in for 4 seconds, then hold my breath and move that finger to the other nostril, once its there i'll exhale thru the other nostril for 7 seconds. (breathe in one nostril and exhale in the other)

2. journalling is SO helpful bcuz its a way to organize ur thoughts and understand ur thoughts more completely. it helps u in so many different ways but focus on the overthinking aspect by writing ur thoughts down and looking at the BIGGER PICTURE

as for thinking that u dont deserve ur desires... YES YOU DO!!!! u deserve everything good in ur life and thats something that stems off of weak self concept. take some time and focus on ur self concept. cuz if u dont have a good self concept this'll just keep happening so just focus solely on self concept for as long as u need.

3. shadow work is helpful with going back to bad experiences that maybe have left a bad taste in ur mouth, or left u with a lasting effect that isn't serving you. try doing some shadow work and get to the root cause of why u keep guarding urself

remember, practice makes perfect 💗 and i hope this post helped u

#law of assumption #advice #self concept

[lovedazai]

do you have any tips for writing? i wanna write for dazai but im scared of not getting his character right or writing badly bc i was never good at english in school and were told my writing skills weren’t good, and i’ll cry if someone tells me they hate my writing or it’s bad on here so do you have any tips ? bc i love your writing sm

my sweet nonnie im hugging u so tightly !! before i start i want to tell u that out of all the x reader fandoms ive interacted w on here, i think bsd is the nicest one. i rlly dont think anyone here would tell u they hate ur writing !! but if they do, u can let me know & i’ll take care of them ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ

dazai can be hard to write for so dont beat urself up nonnie :< i feel like i only have an okay time doing it bc ive been daydreaming ab him for so long. when i struggle writing other characters, i usually go back to the manga / anime & try to observe anything i can ab the way they talk, etc. u can also read other fics & see what they do w the character that u think feels right !! obvi dont copy anyone, but incorporate those characteristics into ur version of the character

dont be afraid to use ur personal experiences !! i know x readers should generally appeal to a broad audience, but making it too “one size fits all” makes it a little boring. for me, domestic moments (like waking up together, cooking together), playing with each others hair, being physically affectionate, etc are all things i associate with romance. its fun to include things like that in my fics, even if they don’t necessarily appeal to everyone

lean into details !! im a rlly visual person & i picture things in my head while i write. in the past it was rlly hard for me to expand my ideas & i found myself skipping over the little details to keep the general plot going. ive been trying to get more descriptive & include those little things & i rlly think it helps make everything feel more immersive, even if its something that isnt necessarily important to the fic

proofread !! i reread my fics probably a little too much before i post them but sometimes i think of something i didnt before & it just helps shape the fic better. also, run ur fics thru something like grammarly before u post it !! i catch a lot of silly typos that way >:/

im still kinda learning how to write too, i must have the most disjointed writing process ever omg. but something thats helped me is not to take it too seriously bc this is all just for fun !! when u start to put pressure on urself, it becomes a chore & thats when i know i need a little break.

i hope this helped at least a little bit !! if u need anything else pls don’t hesitate to come back <33 i wish u the best of luck w ur writing & i hope it becomes something u can find comfort in !!

#valentines

[gloomysoup]

i'm about to go on a bit of a personal ramble here for a minute. i feel like i have a lot to say and no one to say it to, and i feel like my blog has become this safe space for me to say those things. i've shared pieces of myself (my creative work) that i haven't shared with other people before. so i'm going to get a little more personal. if you want to read, great. if not, that's fine too. maybe we'll all get something out of this. maybe we won't. either way, it's here.

i've lived in the same county, with the same people, for twenty years. twenty years in a small, conservative, god-fearing place. every single household in my neighborhood goes to church every sunday. they have bible study in my neighborhood for the adults that meets every week. i've grown up around a lot of small-mindedness when it comes to social issues. which put a lot of strain on my mental health, growing up different from anyone else. i never really fit in, even in my friend groups. there's this expectation that everyone seems to have.

i always knew i was different. there was something about me. there's a lot of things, actually, but i really just want to focus on one in particular. i never had an interest in boys. not once. i didn't really think much of it until other people my age made comments about it. i never had a boyfriend, aside from once in probably first or second grade. and we were friends, only "dated" for maybe two days. that was that. i don't really ever count it. dating never seemed like a very big deal to me for a long time. i was much more focused on school and sports. eventually i realized i was a lot more interested in girls than i ever was in boys.

i fought thru a lot of internalized stuff before i came to the conclusion that i was absolutely 100% definitely a lesbian (along w a lot of trial and error in the form of awkward college experiences). i had a lot of issues throughout middle and high school that i don't particularly need to get into. all that really matters is now.

this year, i made a vow to myself. id do more to truly love myself. to be who i am, unashamedly. i made a few changes to my diet (eating healthier, listening to the advice my doctor gave me ten years ago that i should have listened to back then, actually eating regularly for the first time in years). i got a new job, which i actually really enjoy despite how tired i always am. i love the kids i work with. my coworkers are amazing. which brings me to the latest decision i've made in an effort to keep my promises to myself.

i'm done hiding. i don't want to feel ashamed of who i am just because it doesn't fit the mold. up until recently, i've been pretty selective about who i tell that i'm gay. i never wanted it to get back to my family. i didn't want them to know. i'm still not sure i do, but it's time i stop trying to walk on eggshells all the time. i'm not sure i'll be able to say anything outright, but i don't want to hide it away anymore. i don't want to pretend to be someone i'm not. i don't want to put up more masks every time i leave the safety of my room.

i'm going to a concert in june. pride month. the concert is for my favorite queer artist. i don't want to hide my excitement at finally getting to see her live just because i'm afraid of what people will say. i don't want to carefully think through every little thing before i say something or do something, just in case it's a little too gay to brush off.

i think this is finally the year i embrace myself for who i am. maybe i'll even finally go to a pride event and post pictures. i don't want to be afraid anymore. i don't want to hide anymore. maybe this will backfire on me. maybe it won't. i guess i won't know unless i try.

#gloomysoup #gloomysoup rambles #personal rant

[devildom-moss]

Sexy playlist headcanon (Mammon)

A small sample of songs I think Mammon would put into a playlist when he’s trying to get intimate with MC.

(Mammon x gn!MC)

(NSFW situation, but only slightly suggestive)

Playlist Sample (I’m only picking 7 songs)

1.    Supa Bwe – Up Right Now

2.    Yo Trane – Role Play

3.    Khalid – Right Back

4.    OSHUN – We’re Yung

5.    Keiynan Lonsdale – Preach

6.    Josh Sahunta & Tianda – Kool-Aid & Cyanide

7.    Jacquees – Come Thru

Mammon’s music tastes when he wants to get intimate with you are lighthearted, with subtle undertones of his tsundere personality (Kool-Aid & Cyanide and Role Play). He also likes songs that make him feel like he’s the only one you’d ever want – songs that fuel his “The Great Mammon” ego. Simultaneously, he loves songs that just sing the praises of someone’s lover (Preach). If he could say it easily, he’d have nothing but words of admiration for you, but that’s too embarrassing for him. Instead, he tries to say it in the songs he plays. Pay attention to the lyrics in songs that Mammon plays for you. Sometimes he hears lyrics that remind him so much of his feeling for you that he’ll mouth the words along your skin as he kisses all over your body.

Mammon usually has control over the music when you have sex in his car or in his room. He has the playlist labeled as “💛 with MC” with a picture of you that Mammon took as the playlist cover. Mammon doesn’t typically care about the background noise when he’s fucking you, but playing music creates a completely different experience for the both of you. Unless he’s extremely jealous, sex with Mammon just isn’t that serious. Playlist sex is even less serious and can even be a bit goofy. He’ll sing/lip-sync for you and dance for and with you. Mammon will get flirty, too. If the lyrics are a bit funny, he’ll sing them to you just so he can see that beautiful smile of yours (Come Thru: “And I want ya, call me ya Willy Wonka / Yeah I know they after me / I got that Chocolate factory.” I can’t sing this song without smiling, myself). If you start to laugh, he will too.

Sex with Mammon while playing music is so soft and giddy and slowed down. Even though his songs are more upbeat, everything lingers and gives you room to breathe. You can both focus less on lust and need and more on experiencing and exploring pleasure. Kisses are flirtier and more expressive. He’ll nip at your skin, and ask you to bite him back. You can feel Mammon smiling into kisses before pulling away slightly, staring into your eyes with his forehead pressed against yours. He’ll be so sweet and adorable and silly, and if you praise him, he’ll melt in your hands. That said, it’s a good thing that Mammon’s playlist has a lot more songs than these seven, because you’ll probably be with him for hours (he might limit it to an hour if you’re in his car).

#mammon #gn!mc #obey me headcanons #obey me #obey me mammon

[hardpacker]

i did an interview yday and i sort of touched on this but not all of it, so i'm sharing these notes

i draw and write what i do because i want my work to look like me and i want to see me in it.

i'm not good at letting gender be a "vibe" or a "moodboard", intangible like that. in fact "my gender is __ even though i don't look like it, yeah it's my ‘aesthetic’" is pretty distressing for me. lack of embodiment and living exclusively thru projection/formless reflection is distressing. the queerness and queer sex i was formatively exposed to and gravitated toward was... classic, hard, hairy, leathery and even difficult to pin down with titles but still highly physical, or elicited that response/impulse in me. a lot of memories are lost to me and i don't know how to recover them— and so much time spent without another soul to reflect on it. i remember the first internet porno spam i saw. leafing thru erotic coffee table erotica. European comics about bears and twinks hooking up on the Mediterranean. Blixa Bargeld's strap-on harness. wet messy yaoi. but little for me to Be, in a real way.

it's so fucked and also only a teeny tiny example of a far bigger thing but i'll always remember when i first posted a picture of myself on deviantart, i think i was like 15 or 16, and people were like "oh i expected someone skinnier." this clearly really stayed with me, and it isn't an outlier. although it didn't shift anything then, things like this built up over time and my relationship to/presence in my work very slowly evolved. socially and in school, from the top down or among peers, there was no incentive or encouragement to draw trans people, fat people, anyone outside of stock shit, at all. you could work and labour and be rewarded for breaking yourself in half, all the while it's happening in a viciously transphobic environment. 

over the years things have changed for better and worse as we pursue "representation" and "visibility," but i was really burnt by fluctuations in online culture that lead to trans men having to Be One Thing with either proper scars and muscle, or a textureless circle, and the sex they have is supposed to be smooth and tearful and deferential in service to the man or woman— or image of masculinity/femininity— they're with. and you still get fucking harasses for venturing outside of this, both in the work and as a real living person. i'd rather just be called a woman or a slur because at least that's an honest reaction, and not this cruelty, pity, disguised as care.

however, i also want to say that i was never given the benefit of the doubt that i was sweet and small and shy. there are the benefits of whiteness, certainly. but not transness. i've never been treated that way or protected by it. not with friends or family or police or the court. i don't think "sweetness" is neutral or that it's the most pressing issue that trans men face. being ill is its own strange degendering or forcibly gendered experience. being fat and ugly is its own degendering experience in which i have more in common with fat people of all genders. being seen as violent, visibility of transition only increasing this baseless expectation, that you can turn on a dime, that it's all harm or just plain difficulty waiting to happen and that's justification for being treated as an unreliable narrator of your own needs, your own life, that you need to rein it in or someone needs to control you to set you right. and that most of this is not seen, is a bigger problem than this strange idea of sweetness, this strange idea of being protected by your transness. protected by your assigned birth. do not remind me of my assigned birth. i'm trans because i'm not that. the people who DO benefit from protection in life, their visibility is like, completely disproportionate versus the reality.

if it is as big an issue as they say, then i think about like... if children are the most vulnerable people then being seen as a permanent and incapable child— especially at the intersection of things like fatness and neurodivergence, for example, where you're seen as untrustworthy, clearly can't take care of yourself— as property, but also as a womb, as a body for taking, facing domestic, sexual, medical abuse and neglect, homelessness and forced hospitalisation... death. revulsion, abuse and murder aren't the results of supposed smol beanification. it feels so mythological to me. so yeah i wasn't aware this was the way other people characterised us til mid-2010s tumblr— in which i learned in past tense that there was some pervasive way of handling us. i admit there are times i certainly would've liked to have been protected. but this idea of meek non-threatening sweetness (and, perhaps, wielding that like a threat when convenient) fell completely flat to me and many of my friends, especially ones working-class and nonwhite, or mentally ill in socially unacceptable ways, or with bodies seen as too sexual or built too big... so, aggressive, ha ha.

so i don't show this in my art either, not currently. it's alien. it is a concept i'm aware of only thru a game of telephone.

i show trans men being misgendered and deadnamed and pushed and pulled, the dressage, touched and beaten and abandoned. i've been told that portraying the real things we go through is tantamount to me committing those very same hate crimes and i've been told my work just has a “bad vibe” on sight. yes i do show trans men being punished from all sides despite every effort to ping pong between everyone's preferences. the exhaustion of trying over and over only to fail to please and suffer the consequences of abstaining, or giving themselves over to the performance forever until they burn out. art is play the way leather is play. and in my work trans men can be found both suffering from and playing with roles and expectations, the violence, reenacting these sources of trauma among each other.

#writing #trans #butch #SUPERPOSE #transphobia #t4t #trans men

[lowkeychenle]

see my sea is my comfort fic fr like i love the trope of mc being anti romance due to prior experiences and love interest changes the fact ,, i enjoy them cos i relate to it n then the other reason is bc its chenle ?? theres a lack of GOOOOD written works for him (or any written works for that matter) (i mean like aside from like 7drm headcanons n reactions, theres not tew many chenle x reader in comparison to the other dreamies)

so the fact that your blog is enriched w chenle works = immediate follow

+ oh and ur chenle smut is so good too?? = post notifs on! literally digging thru the chenle smut tag is sooo 😐😐 so i can only rely on u my friend 😔 thank u 4 ur service<3

i would like to reiterate how much i love ur jaemle series as a fellow jaemle stan..... pretty sure i sent u an ask about it and your guidelines surrounding it but idk if i ever sent it bc i was half asleep (no like actually frl lmao) or if tumblr ate my ask

i also was the anon who asked ab emoji anons n oh i def would love to (/gen) but idk how much i'd be interacting cos im in a bit of a mental rut atm so my social interaction is looowww. still supporting my fav blogs tho no worries, w rbs opposed to asks :<

all that being said , i was js curious ab ur current wips if u have any or if ur main focus is on 'is it over now' ? was wondering what we could expect from u is all, no pressure whatsoever!

HIIII <3 omg thank you for reading my work and loving it and also following me that's so cute :')

I've received a couple asks about the Jaemle series and I do plan on continuing it, I'm just not sure when lollll. I have a bunch of misc. smut ideas I'll be writing at some point. These next few months are super busy for me as I'm hoping to graduate in August this year, but that means I, unfortunately, do not have much writing time.

I hope you feel better soon for real :( mental ruts are the WORST I was just in one myself so make sure you take care of yourself <3 if you ever just want to chat, you're more than welcome to send me a message :)

Some of my current wips include:

Is It Over Now? - Chenle x Reader / Jisung x Reader! Based off of the song of the same name by Taylor Swift. This one is crazy and I'm still kinda questioning myself on how to end it (because I'm a chenle slut but how do you like...pivot on bad behavior idk)

Somewhere Else - ??? x Reader; lol I'm thinking Mark or Jaemin for this one. They seem to fit the picture in my head more than Chenle for this one unfortunately. Basically just an achingly fluffy piece with some smut in it lol

Stars Aligned - Chenle x Reader; basically Mastermind by Taylor Swift but he for sure knows the whole time and when the relationship becomes public (ex. gets exposed), things start to switch up

Several miscellaneous smuts that just pop into my head randomly. I have like 10 docs of just random smut scenes I haven't completed yet LOL

And then, of course, I have some text au reqs in my inbox I'm working on and my new smau titled Musically Inclined. That one is fun lol.

#nct dream #chenle #lowkeyjaemle #lowkeyjaemle asks <3 #nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct

[toastmgoats]

So I've been going thru this character development arc of sorts. No I don't think I'm the main character. I'm some wildly unlucky hot mess, tho, that's for sure. But this past year I've done a lot of thinking and introspection. The beginning of 2023 started off with a very emotionally traumatic experience I'm still recovering from, and everything else just went downhill that year.

That whole year I believed I was the scum of the earth, that I'm just as bad as all the other degenerates, so I shouldn't bother trying to grow from it. I'm still working on this, figuring myself out. I'm half asleep so I may/may not regret posting this.

When it comes to vivziepop's discourse and shit, I don't know the whole picture. Part of me wants to stay in the dark and enjoy Hazbin Hotel in relative peace.

But after watching the show so far, I found something. All the vivziepop hate I've seen, the allegations/accusations/whatever's going on... that all reminded me of what happened to Rebecca Sugar. The sheer amount of hate she got for fighting so hard for a show about redemption, second chances, and forgiveness. I watched it unfold as it happened, and I think I'm seeing the same pattern from before, with Hazbin Hotel. Or maybe I should sleep more instead. Idk.

#staring at my phone for a good 10 minutes debating if i should tag this or not #fuck it. ive already been thru hell and back. whats another fucking lap around? #hazbin hotel #vivziepop #steven universe #rebecca sugar

[girlwithfish]

its really disheartening my therapist kind of dismissed me bringing up bpd idk. i know myself before than she does and its hard to talk about the reality of everything and maybe im not explaining it well. the only way maybe shed believe me is if i end up going to the hospital eventually when my bf calls someone on me when im threatening mylife! who knows. i do split and it is really common for ppl w this disorder bc i have read so much abt it and read ppls stories on the subreddit and their experiences to split only on their partners or very close personal friend or family member aka their fp. and the only reason i dont have unstable friendships is bc i literally do not have a single friend in my real life idk. and i dont talk to my family thst much. and idk she said bpd shows thru time but in a lot of things ive read it always says it tends to show up in early adulthood etc plus ive barely ever talked abt my childhood w my therapist or any thing abt my relationship to my parents or family and i dont have much of a relationship w family rn where id be splitting on them bc we dont talk to each other like that or argue its a more distant relationship that doesnt involve personal life if that makes sense. and a lot of ppl diagnosed bpd say they feel like they dont even have it or doubt themselves when theyre not in a relationship bc their symptoms are less severe or show up less bc a lot of bpd has to do w symptoms that show up in interpersonal dynamics. IDK. like i dont think i explain it well so she prob thinks im just fucking bullshitting when i say like yeah i relate to xyz symptom fear of abandonment etc emptiness and she doesnt even rly understand or talk much when i mention splitting but i definitely experience it and like 8 out of the 9 criteria i relate to, most pretty severely. idk i feel like no one takes me seriously lol idk its whatever and im not gonna take her word as like the highest authority bc its true she doesnt know me that well bc im very bad at giving the whole picture like yeah im not gonna tell u i literally get so unwell and paranoid i think someones going to kill me sometimes and that i have uncontrollable mental breakdowns where i honestly should have been hospitalized bc this is not fucking normal idk and the uncontrollable rage and intense emotions and i feel like i cant explain my pain well to anyone and no one takes it seriously anyway if i tried idk? maybe i should start writing down every thing that happens and be really honest when i do that and maybe itd be easier to talk abt if i write it down first idk. like the only reason she dismissed it is bc i dont have close relationships w any other person basically and ive never been in a long term relationship before my current or had a long term friendship irl it feels and its really hard to really know whats going on anymore. my sister doesnt rly understand it and her belief that i dont have bpd is bc "ive always been like this" and she thinks how i act is just like anxiety or depression but she doesnt rly understand bpd it feels cuz most ppl w bpd have depression? so saying like "xyz symptom is just depression" doesnt rly make sense. idk. its hard cuz idk whats real anymore and ok if i dont have bpd i justhave really bad anger issues and experience nearly every symptom and i understand its difficult to diagnose and comorbid w many other conditions but am i seriously supposed to just pretend im normal idk. not begging for a label but also want to know what the fuck is wrong w everything ive been going thru for nearly two yrs and a lot of things ive experienced before my relationship too but i dont think its crazy that a lot of symptoms got heightened when i got into a relationship bc a lot of ppl diagnosed w bpd also experience that yk and feel more stability when single etc. Idk idk. like i dont wanna pathologize everything but also its gotten so bad i feel like ive been dying for a year. thanks

[tootyfruities]

okokok FIRST - - that dog is so me, me-coded, babes you just get me 🤭🤭 (also i don’t want to clog your blog w my ridonculous msgs so feel free to answer this privately lolll)

tbh im kind of in my flop era BUT BUT BUT today I’ve been getting my shit together so don’t you worry w that precious head of yours 😋🫶🏽 i’ve started to consistently work out again (nawt by choice ☹️) but it’s actually been kinda fun ?? potential buff era~? 🥵🥵

but enough about me, HOW ARE YOU MY BELOVED? I HOPE YOU’VE BEEN TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF TOO MY SWEET!! SENDING YOU BACK LOTS OF SOUP AS WELL 🩷

also mini confession time, you remember that little fruit pop anon you had? surprise LMAOOO i love you!!!! 🤭🩷🤭🩷

RAHHHH WRINGS YOU BY THE NECK. wait. IN AN AFFECTIONATE WAY LMAO ABD ALSO FROTHS AT THE MOUTH <3333

i have so many doggy pictures

CONGRATS ON GETTING UR SHIT TOGETHER BB!!!! and also BUFF ERA RI? holy shit go crazy go stupid i am SO neurodivergent 4 u. i should continue my shin love letters grrrr <3

UM IM GREAT OMG?? kinda been piling a lot of like- projects, sorta, but i'm getting thru em B) practicing a cool thing called 'becoming too chill to stress out and also if it sucks hit da bricks.' i think mostly i'm Getting Thru It, i keep complaining to myself about not having free time then catching myself playing mobile games. humbling experience 😭

IT WAS YOU. and to think i had a new secret admirer, smh my head- NO but really it is so lovely to have you in the askbox teehees. ik i can be So Bad at answering but PLEASE PLEASE JUST KNOW every word has me giggling and twirling my hair and kicking my feet. notebooks and notebooks of your name surrounded by hearts all written in sparkly pink gel pen

[detransition]

lytonya | 19/100 portraits of detrans women | by SARAH VACI

“I officially began transitioning in early 2014 in a critical theory grad program. It was as it sounds. I was often accused of not being a girl as far back as my early childhood in the 1980’s. My dysphoria was real & lifetime. But when I look back now, with clearer eyes, I see it did not come from me but the world outside. 

There are too many examples I could give, going back to my toddler years. One example: three years of relentlessly being taunted as “he/she/it” by my whole middle school despite having huge breasts I was ashamed of, long hair, a stereotypical perm & bangs of the early nineties. Maybe it was how the adults reacted? Or how my trying made it worse. I was screamed at for trying to use the restroom, called a rapist. I don’t look like a boy in my school pictures of the time. I wanted to die. That was my life. 

Almost all my therapists have suggested I might not be a woman. Even in the Air Force. Things happened, I did stuff, but it was always there & one day I guess I snapped. It was my Theory Of Everything. I wrote my thesis on my experience. I walked thru hell like nothing I had seen in even my childhood. A terrible horrible accident happened to open my eyes and I canceled my surgery a couple months out in 2020, stopped t, and just walked away. This isn’t the place for all the details.

Here are a few basic ontological/epistemological/ethical truths my journey helped me learn/remember in no particular order:

To paraphrase and mildly embellish Bjork: don’t let poets, priests, prophets, professors, politicians, prosecutors, police, polemicists, pleaders, or program teleprompter readers, not probers of materiality, pessimists of existentialism, nor practitioners of any sort lie to you.

Don’t idolize Diogenes too much.

Another Bjork reference: “love is all around you, maybe not in the direction you are staring at, thrust your head around, it’s all around you”

You are sacred, you were born sacred; you’re only real job, is to find ways to honor that, your free will most expressed in cultivating or denying it. And, thus, anyone telling you the way to do that is to break parts of you & be put back together by someone else (for a price, there’s always a price) is not your friend.

As I tried to teach my child but needed to learn myself: don’t let other people’s lies become your lies or you will implicate yourself in the sins committed against you, then lose yourself & your path. Both can be found again, but not somewhere else & not in a black mirror. 

Your body is not your disease, your sin is not your incarnation, your suffering is not your authenticity. 

It’s better to be an exception that proves a rule than one that merely breaks it. 

Find a safe place or person to say things out loud that make you afraid, so you can see if it’s true.

 I refused all of these lessons for most of my life. Especially those farcical 6 years. And then I stopped. It saved my life; I stopped blaming others for my existence; I work now on not seeing myself as a problem for existing.” (x)

thinking of detransition? you are not alone

#detrans #detransition #ftmtf #detrans ftm #1st #personal story #actuallydetrans #actually detrans

[dontwantthenextcommanderiwantyou]

hi. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I don’t know where else to ask. I’ve been looking into the term comphet and analysing my relationship patterns and have often wondered if I actually really do like men.

for instance, when I start talking to a guy, sometimes in the back of my head I’m like ,‘I wish u were a girl’ but I brush that thought away as soon as it comes. when I think about a long term commitment like marriage , I always picture it w a woman. The thought of marrying a man makes me very comfortable and I feel like it’d just be toxic and heartbreaking. when I do fall for men, I tend to pick emotionally unstable and unavailable men just bc subconsciously I know what’s going to happen and I expect them to mess up. telling myself that I actually don’t like men scares me bc my family still doesn’t know I’m enby and queer and I always thought since I was pan, I cud just date a guy and they’d never have to know. sometimes I’m not even sure if I’m attracted to men. I can recognise that they’re good looking but idk if I feel anything towards them. But when I see the the type of women I am attracted to , I feel that attraction in my gut. Can someone give me an insight pls? I’m so confused and scared and idk what to do .

I don't know what to say other than just be yourself, fck the labels and what others expect from you. Who you are is something you have to determine yourself. It takes experiences & growth to figure this shit out. I kissed a girl for the first time when I was 7, I realized I was a lesbian when I was 10, I spent my teenage years figuring out what it meant for me, my future, and my relationships. I almost had sex with a guy in college, not because I questioned my sexuality but because I wanted to see if I was "missing out" on anything women experienced during sex with men... clearly I wasn't because my body wouldn't even let me go thru with it and I never tried that shit again.

Don't try to mold yourself to fit into a certain box and don't let other people decide who you are. I've shared more than a few thirst posts on here about Michael B. Jordan and how absolutely attractive I find him. But that doesn't mean I'm not a lesbian, it just means I'm not blind. I can acknowledge when a man is handsome just the same as when a woman is beautiful... anyone confident in their sexuality can. My connections with men are strictly platonic. My connections with women are intimate, there's an emotional bond as well as a physical relationship. You just gotta live your life being true to YOURSELF.

#If anyone has any advice for this anon feel free to share

[lizzie-is-here]

CHRISTMAS EVENT!!!!

y’all finals are kicking my ass but i want to open some christmas requests! if u request, pls be patient i am a student dragging myself thru finals so be gentle w me i’m two seconds away from crying at all times 😭 at the same time tho do request cause i love writing ab christmas 🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

requests are open for:

bucky barnes

kate bishop

steve rogers

steven grant/marc spector

peter parker(tom holland edition)

xiu shang-chi

xiu xialing

wanda maximoff

what i’ll write:

angst to fluff

fluff

hurt/comfort

comedy

no pure angst it’s too christmasy for that

female!reader

poc!reader (race will be left vague unless specified to be chinese cause i don’t wanna write other people’s experiences for them 🫶)

what i won’t write:

nsfw (i will ALLUDE to it, but not write it)

pregnancy, babies (i’m sorry i just can’t 💀)

sh, su!c!de

i will write things relating to mental health issues, but not those

this time i’m too lazy to type prompts out lmao so y’all get pictures

(also i snagged these off pinterest so sorry if they’re someone’s lol)

#marvel #marvel x reader #x reader #avengers #avengers x reader #steve rogers #bucky barnes #peter parker #kate bishop x fem!reader #bucky barnes x reader #steve rogers x reader #peter parker x reader #shang chi x reader #wanda maximoff x reader #christmas #marvel christmas #it’s the most wonderful time of the year #i love christmas #10/10 holiday #there’s a bunch of amazing winter holidays but gotdamn #just christmas man

[highbeamtf]

My Intro To DOOM

I've been sitting on this for a while, had it written in a notebook and I definitely want to share this. As I mentioned in my intro, I've become a wee bit obsessed with the DOOM game universe, something I dabbled in as a child when DOOM and DOOM II first came out. I vaguely remember my mom trying to keep me from playing the OG DOOM game saying it was too violent for me as a young child. The pixelated graphics however didn't exactly make me think it was terribly violent back then. I believe I played a little of Quake I as well but I don't remember as much of that as I do the first two DOOM games. I do however remember drawing pictures of demons based on some of the game designs and it's a shame I don't still have those. I didn't really touch much else in the DOOM game universe until 2021 which I will get into shortly, but I do remember seeing some things from the DOOM III game and watching that live action movie with The Rock and Karl Urban (Karl is one of my top fav actors by the way). I didn't mind the live action movie, though it had a severe lack of demons and no real interactions with Hell which were disappointing. The demon designs that were featured though were kinda neat, but again it would've been better to have more demons, less humans. I have similar thoughts when it comes to the Bayverse Transformers movies which should've been more bots, less humans as well. Earlier this year I discovered the DOOM Annihilation movie too which at least that had a Hell scene and more demons, but I almost put that into a fan movie category as far as quality goes. They could've played more with the Cultist ideas too and I would've liked it more. In October 2021 I got pulled back into the DOOM universe when a favorite streamer started playing DOOM 2016. Not only was her gameplay and chat interaction a lot of fun to watch but I was fascinated by the graphics and a few of the characters, particularly the mystery behind Dr. Samuel Hayden and VEGA. After seeing the full playthrough I decided I would have to give the game a try someday myself. Fast forward to April 2022 for my Twitch stream anniversary where I decided that would be my first experience with playing the 2016 game myself. I was awful at FPS gameplay and set the game difficulty to the lowest setting for my first time back into FPS in years, but I got hooked. The soundtrack was absolute fire, the graphics were visually fun, the environments made me want to explore, and despite how often I died I still enjoyed the gameplay itself. By the end of that game I already knew I'd have to buy the sequel DOOM Eternal and later the two DLCs, The Ancient Gods (TAG) Part 1 and 2. I thought the graphics in 2016 still held up in 2022. Diving straight into DOOM Eternal and its faster paced, hyped gameplay was a little crazy but I realized that I was becoming hooked. There was so much lore in Eternal and I started pondering my own theories while playing through the game, then as soon as I completed it I dove into all the YouTube DOOM lore videos and any other articles I could find about everything. I keep going back to replay levels, stare at the beautiful environments, I have binge listened to the 2016 OST and the Eternal/DLC soundtrack videos on YouTube (since nothing official exists) so many times. I've gone back into DOOM 2016 and replayed some levels and arcade mode as well, and a few members of my Twitch community and I play some of the PVP there as well. Needless to say, after completing those I decided I'd go back to the original game and replay every single DOOM game on my Twitch stream for fun. So far I'm pretty far into DOOM II and I'm anxious to go thru all the content that's out there. Screenshot below from the end of DOOM 2016. I kinda really, really want a replica of the Demonic Crucible, please and thank you... And a Dr. Samuel Hayden action figure...

#doom #doom 2016 #doom eternal #twitchstreamer

[nscafe-firehose]

Story time...

During the start of COVID-time, I decided to I wanted to re-collect some comics I had in the early 1990s. I didn't want reprints, I wanted originals.

I wanted to go through Todd McFarlane's Marvel work, starting with Daredevil #241 thru Spider-Man #16 (and then Image's Spawn #1-#25 plus the Violator 3-issue series)... and if you know about his run there, well... there were some pricy titles to collect. However, I wanted to do it, so I did it...

Also, due to COVID-time and my disability, I haven't left the apartment aside from medical appointments, voting and a few random times going out for food and eating outdoors [for the vast majority of the time]. We're both take it quite seriously because I really don't need to get any more sick than I am already. Yes, we're always masking when not in the apartment (and sometimes in the apartment when we have contractors coming in to do work). And we're diligent about as well. We haven't gotten sick yet.

(tldr; I basically haven't left the house unless I had to since Nov. 2020)

Fast forward to 2023 and after some life altering events, we decided to order VIP passes for Calgary Comics+Entertainment Expo, all 4 days. We figured with the early access our odds of not "getting sick" were okay. And also to save my leg from too much stress, we planned to rent a wheelchair.

Fast forward to 2024 and we have our VIP passes to the Calgary Comics+Entertainment Expo... and then McFarlane was announced as a late guest. I thought to myself, sure... I'll get an autograph. I can do that.

But as time ticked on, I felt like naaaah... there are bigger fans who could use waiting in line more than myself. An autograph would be nice but I didn't need one.

Then Fan Expo runs a VIP only context to win free autographs from him. Well then! That I could sign up for. My beloved partner, also a big comics book fan (more on the X-Men side of things [and she was able to get all of the X-Men '97 guests who were here, along with the original animated series Producer and creator autographs... and a selfie with Beast!]), also entered.

We both won (of course I'd get ticket 23... she got 24).

Now I needed to pull some "cool covers" so that we could make some choices (picture 1, above).

She chose Spider-Man #12 (and diligently read that 5-book series to get prepared for the day). I wanted to do Spider-Man #8 (for the very local tie-in) but we didn't exactly need two books signed from that series. So... what to choose, what to choose...

Amazing Spider-Man #311 (and it didn't even make the short list... not in the 1st pic) got the pick. It is a cool cover to be sure but I chose it for the nod to late 1980s Cowboy/Western fashion... and since I've grown up in Calgary, I was very aware of that reference (annual cowboy cosplay celebrations tend to do that... yay Calgary Stampede! [hey, if the comic+entertainment fandom has cosplay for CCEE, why not call the say the same sort of thing for the Stampede... this isn't a negative thing]).

When I told McFarlane why I chose the book I did, I got a chuckle and an "Oh wow!".

The only downside is that due to my disability I'm unable to attend day 4 but my beloved partner gets enjoy a day without pushing me around in a wheelchair (averaging over 9000 steps each of the 3 days)... give her arms and legs a big of a break.

But we did get quite lucky in our timings for things and we appreciated the experiences.

So long as we don't "get sick" and recovery time for this body o'mine doesn't take too long, then I think we can plan to attend again next year.

#Calgary #calgaryexpo #Calgary Comic+Entertainment Expo #CCEE #todd mcfarlane #Spider-Man #Amazing Spider-Man #2024 #x men 97 #x men #YYC #Larry Houston #George Buza #alison sealy smith #matthew waterson #aj locascio