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teapartyprincess4two · 2 months

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I need a friends to lovers hurt/comfort fic from you pleaseeee. My request is that reader is upset because something happened with her family and she got daddy issues or something (definitely not projecting😜🥰). matt doesn't know what's wrong tho but tries to cheer her up by getting her a cake or something and then as she's eating she starts unintentionally slowly crying and she tries to hide it but matt ofc notices it straight away. he tries to comfort her but before they could get further and she could start opening up nick & chris came in and she immediately stops and pretends to be fine. they joked around and stuff cuz nick & chris are oblivious to everything the whole time and matt is just impatiently waiting for the time when they get to be alone so he can talk to her and figure out whats wrong. maybe later in the night when everyone's asleep he finally approaches y/n and then they slow talk and he just comforts her and idk just more fluff at the end? change whatever you'd like I'd just be happy enough if you even decide to do my request. thank u and ily <3

Happy Birthday- M. Sturniolo

pairing: Waitress!reader x Bff!Coworker!Matt

classification: sad, fluff

warnings: use of y/n, cursing, mention of parental issues, mention of family problems, mention of death of parent, mention of alcohol addiction

inspiration: request^^ took a spin on this, hope u like it bby

summary: Over the course of working together for years, Matt picks up on everything and despite not understanding it completely, he comforts you through the hurt.

—

“Sorry I’m late,” your voice is choppy as you try catching your breath. Quick fingers work towards tying your apron around your waist before flying towards your hair and throwing it up in a haphazard pony tail. You’re an hour late for your shift, an extremely rare occurrence for you.

Matt, who’s currently working the grill, feels a wave of relief wash over him at the sight of you. As the night progresses, the diner is slowly picking up to a steady, busy pace and without a waitress, Nick, Chris and Matt would never survive.

“No worries, I’m just glad you could make it,” he replies. Matt’s eyes always have a habit of dancing over your entire face, today being no exception. He notices the dark circles that formed under your eyes, your sunken in cheeks, and how pale your skin is. Details like this never went unnoticed by Matt, especially not on a day as important as today, and, despite how disheveled you look, he can’t help but be enthralled by your beauty

An array of plates and trays are sprawled on the order window, each of them piled with greasy, hot food. You wear a disassociated, blank expression as you reply, too focused on catching up on the work at hand, “Is this food ready to be sent out?” You yank a ticket from one of the trays, briefly reading Nick’s messy handwriting to ensure everything was correct.

Matt hums in response, deeply intrigued as to what ails you, but not wanting to press any further. As soon as you hear that, you become a task bot and effortlessly send the orders out.

Your incredible work ethic is directly fueled by your need to distract yourself from the reality of your life. It’s your 21st birthday, a day that for most people involves a fancy brunch, meaningful gifts, a scrapbook full of photos, and a drunk night out. 21 was supposed to feel magical, every aspect about this day was meant to be special and perfect.

But you aren’t most people, and your life was anything but perfect.

Your mother has been in and out of your life since you were 8. She was an amazing mother, when she was sober at least, but your parents were always arguing, mostly because your dad worked a lot and it made your mom feel neglected and lonely. The arguments filled her with enough sadness to lead her to drinking and one day her alcoholism consumed her until she just never returned home. You were 13 the last time you saw her, and you spent your entire adolescence blaming your dad for being the reason she left.

So, from the age of 13, you stopped being a kid. While other children were watching morning cartoons before school, a fussy 2 year old rested on your hips as you tried braiding your 8 year old sisters hair. All the while your dad was working grueling hours in order to keep a roof over your heads. His hard work went unnoticed, instead being met with resentment from you.

It wasn’t until you turned 18, when your father suddenly passed of a heart attack, that you realized how much weight and responsibility rested on his shoulders. Upon his passing, your siblings were placed under your official guardianship. It was the inheritance you never asked for, but as the oldest sister you had no other choice.

So, instead of spending the day with friends, you’ve been forced to pick up your parent’s slack. You have two younger siblings at home who have no one else but you. All day you’ve been basically running after them, tending to their needs and trying to make their lives a little less unbearable. And although they’re your pride and joy, the absolute most important part of your life, you can’t help but wonder what life would be like if they weren’t your responsibility.

The trauma and grief has led your siblings to be more of a handful than other kids their age. Your 17 year old sister, Safiya, finds herself falling into the wrong crowds. Money is tight which has led her to develop a habit of shoplifting. It was simple and harmless at first, consisting of her pocketing items such as nail polish and candy bars. But eventually she and her friends were running out of stores with duffel bags full of clothes, the adrenaline that came from being chased by police officers being better than any drug.

On the other hand, your 10 year old brother, Giovani, struggled to make friends. Every week you were receiving at least one phone call that he’s gotten into yet another fight. There’s an inconsolable anger inside of him that causes him to lash out at anyone that isn’t you or Safiya, and when you’re not worried about his temper, you’re nagging him about his failing grades.

Needless to say, your life was not easy. Everyday you played the role of mother, and you often found yourself asking God what you did to deserve this; what you did to deserve a 21st birthday, a life, full of nothing but sorrow and struggle.

“Happy birthday, girl!” Nick whispers excitedly, pulling you in for a quick side hug as you reenter the kitchen. Matt watches as your lips form a tight lipped smile, your sad eyes giving you away immediately. You’re grateful for the sentiment, but still can’t muster up enough energy to actually feel excited.

“Thanks, Nick. I appreciate it,” you return his hug, immediately returning to work.

—

After a long, busy rush, your break couldn’t have come any sooner. The diner is quiet, the bustling atmosphere from before being replaced with nothing but the sound of groaning trees and the music that plays lowly from the jukebox.

“You going on break?” Matt asks, his arms submerged elbows deep in the sink. “Yeah I think so. I probably won’t get another chance to eat,” you comment. You look visibly happier than earlier, but there’s still a twinge of sadness in your voice.

“Alright, lemme just finish these dishes and I’ll make your food. Okay?” Matt’s voice is soft, almost like he knows that the reason for your sadness runs much deeper than an uneventful birthday. “No! It’s okay, I’ll just ask Chris to do it,” you say, ready to turn on your heels before he can protest.

His words catch you before you can, “I have a surprise for you! Just wait for me, please.” You lazily walk over to him and tiptoe, peering over the large, industrial sink to see how many dishes he has left. He basically has the whole kitchen sitting in the water, “You have so many left to wash though!”

A fake pout forms on Matt’s face, eliciting the first real laugh from you since you arrived. “You can help me?” he suggests, his eyelashes batting over his big doe eyes.

Your resolve crumbles quickly, you were never able to say no to Matt, “Fine, but only because Chris always burns the bacon.” You roll your sleeves up, cuffing them until they’re high enough to keep dry. The sound of clanging metal and swishing water settles between you two as you work towards washing the dishes before the next rush.

“How’s 21 treating you by the way?” Matt asks playfully, eyes momentarily glossing over you as he awaits an answer.

“Well I’m not drunk,” you chuckle, scrubbing at a tough spot on one of the pans. For some reason you feel safe with him, like you can tear your protective walls down and bare the most vulnerable parts of you. Over the course of working together, he’s become a true friend, an unjudgemental listening ear. Everyone else in your life has failed and disappointed you, but not Matt.

“You don’t have to be drunk to have fun,” he replies, hands wading through the sink for the next dish.

“True, but I’m not sure I’d categorize picking my little sister up from jail and getting my brother from school because he was expelled as ‘fun,’” your wet, soapy hands throw an air quote around the last word. You didn’t mean to trauma dump, especially not when the conversation started so light and airy, but you couldn’t help it. There were so many things on your mind, that up until this point, you had been actively ignoring.

“Bet you won’t forget this birthday, though,” Matt jokes, and you’re grateful it’s not a response laced with pity. You laugh, because it was true. One day none of this would matter, it would become an old folk-tale-like memory that you’d someday tell your children.

“Jail, though? Fuck, what did she even steal?” Matt shakes his head in disbelief, how a 17 year old girl managed to get into so much trouble was beyond him. A part of him did feel bad that you were the one struggling with these kids, but he never showed it because he knew how much you hated sympathetic, pitiful treatment.

“Some dumbass jeans that were 3 sizes too big,” you scoff, draining the sink. “I was so mad, I mean it was just juvie and they let her off with a warning because she’s a first time offender, but why the fuck was she stealing jeans? Can’t she steal useful stuff, like fucking milk or something?”

Matt laughs, running a white kitchen towel over his hands to dry them. “And Gio? Was he in on the heist too?”

“Oh please, I wish, maybe then he would’ve been let off with a warning too,” you take the towel from Matt, patting your hands dry as well. “This dumbass got expelled for fighting a kid who told him his shoes were fake. They’re not by the way, Safiya stole those too.”

“So now I have to enroll this kid somewhere else, if they’ll even take him. He has such a bad track record, Matt. I’ll probably have to move my sister to a different school too because she’s surrounded by so many bad influences… I don’t even know what to do,” your voice breaks slightly at the end, the sadness once again washing over you.

Matt brings you in for a quick hug, “let’s just worry about getting you fed for now, yeah?”

“Yeah,” you sniffle, wiping the singular tear that runs down your cheek.

As if on queue your phone starts ringing, your sister’s name illuminating the screen. “Hold on I gotta take this real quick,” you mutter, pulling away from the hug. He wishes he could keep you there forever and tell you everything would be okay, but instead he hums in response, watching you disappear out the back door with the phone pressed against your ear.

When the door clicks shut, he turns into the kitchen, throws some gloves on and begins making your food.

—

A stack of fluffy chocolate chip pancakes sits next to scrambled eggs and two strips of bacon. Matt knew your order by memory, one of the many details he’s learned about you over the course of your friendship.

Chris’s voice fills the kitchen, announcing his entry, “Does that look good? I don’t know, Nick said it doesn’t.”

While you and Matt washed the dishes, Nick and Chris decorated an isolated booth in the back of the diner. Balloons, streamers, and an iridescent tablecloth adorn the area. A small ‘Happy Birthday’ banner is strung from two parallel windowsills. It was something small and simple, but Matt knew you’d love it.

Matt peers over the order window, briefly examining their work before returning to the task at hand. “It looks good, it doesn’t have to be perfect. She’ll love it.”

Nick walks into the kitchen, fingers tying a knot in one of the balloons, “Are you sure? I’d be so fucking mad if that’s what I saw as my 21st birthday set up.”

“I’m sure. She’ll love it.”

Matt pokes two candles into the stack of pancakes, the number 21 sitting perfectly on the fluffy pastries. He used whipped cream, strawberries, and chocolate chips to create a simple design around the outer edges before drizzling some maple syrup on top. The bacon was broken up to create a smile on the eggs, a corny gesture he thought of last minute.

The back door suddenly opens, causing the triplets to freeze in place. They hadn’t figured out exactly how they were going to execute this, they’d only gotten as far as the decorations and the make-shift cake.

“Nick you go distract her, Chris go change the music in the lobby!” Matt instructs quickly, his voice hushed so you won’t hear him. They scramble into position, Matt managing to hide somewhere in the diner lobby where you won’t see him.

“Nick, what are you doing?” you laugh, feeling Nick’s cold hands cover your eyes. “Shush, no questions,” he replies, causing you to hold back more laughter. Nick leads you into the lobby slowly, your hands holding onto his as they still work to obstruct your vision. Matt watches as you two walk in, his hands shaking with excitement as he lights the candles.

“Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!” the triplets begin to sing in unison, both Chris and Matt approaching the decorated booth. Nick removes his hands, a shocked expression immediately forming on your face.

As they continue singing the song, you admire the decorations in awe. Suddenly you’re a little girl, the random decorations being everything you needed as a child. The tears begin welling in your eyes, this was completely unexpected.

“Make a wish,” Matt whispers, bringing you in for a side hug as he holds the plate in front of you. You’ve never had a birthday cake before, let alone candles to blow a wish on. And although it’s simple, the makeshift cake is enough to bring the waterworks.

You squeeze your eyes shut, fat tears streaming down your face as you blow the candles out. There’s only one thing you can think to ask for, but you don’t dare verbalize it in fear that it won’t come true. The flame flickers, disappearing into a cloud of smoke as your wish floats away.

“Hey don’t cry! You’re 21!” Chris exclaims, shaking your shoulders in an attempt to lighten the mood, but you can’t help it. You’ve weren’t expecting any of this and it’s quite honestly the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you.

“Sorry,” you chuckle, wiping the tears away quickly. “Thank you guys for this. It’s beautiful,” you continue, bringing the trio in for a group hug. Nick and Chris are the first to pull away, leaving you clinging to Matt.

“You can thank Matt. This was all his idea,” Chris replies. Your arms are wrapped around Matt’s waist, a hug being the only way you can think to thank him. You look up at him, glossy eyes threatening to spill again.

“Happy birthday,” Matt murmurs, a smile forming on his face as he places the plate on the table and snakes his arms around you.

The moment is intimate enough to serve as Nick and Chris’s queue to leave. They sneak away into the kitchen quietly, giving you and Matt privacy.

“Thank you so much for this, Matt. You don’t know what this means to me,” you whisper, eyes locked with his.

“It’s nothing,” he shrugs.

“No, Matt. I really love this. Thank you.” A comfortable silence settles between you, the jukebox playing a calm melodic tune. You haven’t broken from the hug, swaying back and forth as you continue to admire the setup before you.

“Are you gonna try my cake?” Matt asks, using his chin to point towards the table. The whipped cream was beginning to melt into the spongy dough, strawberries and chocolate chips drooping down the edges.

“Mmm yeah, but I wanna stay like this just a little longer.” He doesn’t complain, instead pulling you in closer and resting his head on yours as you continue swaying to the music.

—

“That was really nice, Matt. Thank you,” it feels like the hundredth time that you’ve thanked Matt tonight. A half finished plate of food sits in front of you, the pancakes being enough to fill you up.

“You don’t have to keep thanking me, you know,” he laughs. Matt sits next to you on the same booth chair, using the balloons that cluttered the other side as an excuse to sit closer to you.

“I do, though. No one has ever done anything this thoughtful for me before... Not like there’s anyone left to do it,” the last part is hushed, he almost doesn’t catch it.

“C’mon, you’ve never had at least one birthday party?” He asks, his fingers play with one of the balloon strings. Despite knowing your tragic backstory, Matt finds the information hard to believe.

“Nope. This is the first cake I’ve ever had,” you admit, feeling sad at the confession.

“Well I hope you at least made a good wish,” Matt senses your shift in emotion, so he’s trying to remain positive.

“Yeah…” your voice trails off, fingernails scraping and picking at the plastic table cloth.

“Are you gonna tell me what you wished for, or are you superstitious?” Matt props an elbow on the table, resting his head on the palm of his hand as he looks at you. The moonlight from outside shines through the window, working alongside the dim diner lighting to illuminate your beautiful face. Your hair is down, the loose strands that keep falling in front of your eyes tucked behind your ears.

The question has you serious and embarrassed, “I’m not superstitious, it’s just a really corny wish.” He gives you a knowing look, one that encourages you to continue.

“You won’t make fun of me?” you ask, looking up at him tentatively.

You take a deep breath, rubbing your thighs in an attempt to ease your nerves before admitting something completely vulnerable, “I wished my dad was still here.”

“I know it’s never going to happen, I’m not naive, but I’ve never had a candle to wish on before so I just… I just wanted to make it count. I know it’s dumb—” your words are quiet and Matt cuts you off.

A gentle hand pulls your attention to him, his thumb caressing your cheek, “I don’t think it’s dumb.”

You don’t know what you did to deserve a friend as kind and loving as Matt. Another tear rolls down your cheek, swiftly being wiped away by Matt’s thumb. Even in your emotional state, you looked beautiful.

Subconsciously, Matt’s moving in closer to you. His eyes are flickering between your soft gaze and the plump lips that call out to him. Maybe it’s the atmosphere, the vulnerability of the moment, or maybe it’s the undeniable crush you’ve had on Matt for years, but your eyes flutter shut and copy him in leaning in.

His lips find yours quickly, you taste like maple syrup and whipped cream. You’re the perfect sweet treat to end such an eventful night. Your hands rest on his shoulders, slowly traveling to the nape of his neck as your lips mould together. Neither of you can seem to get enough of each other. His tongue slips into your mouth, eliciting a small moan from you.

The moment you pull away, you’re breathless. Foreheads are pressed together, eyes locking to keep the intensity of the moment.

“Happy birthday, beautiful,” he murmurs, going in for the next kiss of many.

—

MASTERLIST

a/n: you guys have no idea how long this sat in my drafts. I kept telling myself it was too sad, but it’s HURT TO COMFORT IT HAS TO HE SAD!

anyways my sweet anon! I hope you like this, especially bc I changed it a bit.

thank u and I luv YOU 💌

-L.A.M.B👼🏻💗

—

taglist: @nicksmainbitch @sturniololovers @mayhem-72 @worldlxvlys @gnxosblog @meg-sturniolo @creamoncreamoncream2 @mattnchrisworld @sanyi5 @lustfulslxt @whicked-hazlatwhore @tworosesblackthorn @mxqdii @fawned01 @junnniiieee07 @sturniolololover @missriddle03 @k-l-a-w-s @hearts4chris @maryx2xx

note: if you want to be tagged in my fanfic related posts, you can access my TAGLIST and comment 💐

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claires-mind1 · 8 months

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Sweet Tooth

gojo satoru x reader

warnings: smut. just a drabble, reader is referred to as satoru's wife, puthy eating, slight breeding kink mentioned, wrote this with one hand, i kinda lost it at the end.

can't stop thinking about gojo with a sweet tooth. he likes to eat all kinds of sweets. from the sweet little desserts you make for him to your sweetest cute little cunt.

coming home after a rough day of work, his first instinct is to bury his face in his pretty little wife's pussy. it never fails to suprise you, how shameless he's with it. immediately smashing his lips to yours as you gasp. he kicks the door close and press your tiny body on the wall. then he kneels in front you. mumbling something about you, not wearing any panties then diving nose deep into it.

he'd pick you up just like that, making you sit on his shoulders as he eats you like a man starved, carrying you to your shared bedroom to have his way with you.

i feel like he would be into food play too. he'd make the honey drip on your clit and slurp it up. when you scold him about not being healthy, he'd suggest he'd eat the strawberries if he gets to dip them inside you first. “Mhm, much sweeter.”

long slender fingers drenched in your juices, satoru can't help but want a taste. he's promised, “just gotta prep you first, sweet thing.” but he eventually gets lost in the sweet taste as he sucks on his fingers. head dipping down, following the sweet smell of your arousal, then he laps at it like a dog.

would eat you out anywhere and everywhere. taking you lingerie shopping and making you squirt in the dressing room. his face and even the upper part of his collar is soaked as he walks out of the room shamelessly. carrying you cuz your legs gave out and mumbling to the sale attendants to pack your things and put them in your car.

you'd visit him some time at his school to drop some lunch boxes for him and the kids cuz they all love your cooking. he can't help but admire you from afar. oblivious to his watch, you laugh as you listen to megumi talking about how annoying yuji is. “but i bet you love him though,” you say, as calm as ever.

and satoru tries his absolute best to not let his thoughts go that way, but they end up going exactly that way. you'd make such a good mama. you'd told him about it, many times. right before he reaches his high, you'd pull him close and beg him to cum inside you. pussy gripping him too tight that he just can't resist. you'd pout as he pushes the birth control pills into your mouth, bringing a glass of water to your mouth, cuz he knows neither you nor him are ready to take that step yet.

“hi toru!” you squeal so cutely as he comes your way. cheeks slightly tinted pink cuz he looks so serious, with the uniform and blindfold on. he's not smiling and you can see his guard is up. he looks intimidating. you don't really get to see him like this much since he always just melts into you when he comes home.

he was unintentionally distracting you and the next thing you knew is that you're in his office. short skirt lifted up, ass on his desk as he stands in front of you, eagerly kissing you. you look up at him panting like a dog, a string of saliva connecting your lips to his when he pulls away.

he smiles, seeing you so messed up, sweaty body clinging onto him, pretty doe eyes looking up at him, biting your lips which got all sore from all his sucking, thighs squeezed, and small hands grabbing and clawing at his shirt. he can see you're getting all worked up, all from seeing him and getting a few kisses. so cute.

he's just as desperate to push it into your warmth but as he'd always say, he needs to "prep" you first. just another excuse to taste you.

legs spread wide shamelessly, your husband's head is between them. cute heels digging his back and it fucking hurts but not nearly enough to make him stop. his spit and your juices dripping down onto the table, wetting the papers that he spent hours working for.

he'd eat you on the bed, on the couch, in the kitchen, and on the dining table cuz he likes having you as a dessert. but his absolute favourite is to do it in the shower cuz he can make you squirt as much as he wants and not have to worry about the mess.

would love it when you pull his hair too, especially when you ride his pretty face. he'd make you squat so that he could angle his tongue with your entrance and sink you down on it. “c'mon baby, it's like you're riding my dick.” you moan contently as his tongue dips inside fully and his nose is pressed firmly against your clit. you would grind and grind until half of his face is practically in the split of your labia.

the little whimpers from him as he thrusts the pink muscle in and out of your cunt makes your cunt drool by the second. the soft pumps would slowly turn into hard tongue-fucking. and that man would not stop until you're completely out of your mind and using his face like a sex toy. your shyness long gone as you chase your orgasm, bouncing yourself up and down on his face. you can't help it, with the way his pretty face is soaked in your juices, you want to soak it more.

so after coming like 5 times, after making you drunk and mindless and dumb, just how he wanted, he'd grin against your pussy as you look down on him and drags your pussy across his face. and satoru fucking takes it, he just lays there beneath you and let you do whatever you want to him while his dick is painfully hard. he guesses all your juices that he gulped down went straight to his cock.

you'd trap the pink wet muscle inside you as you cum for the nth time. you look so dominant like this. he thinks as he feels your walls clenching around his tongue. his head would definitely follow your pussy when you try to pull away from him.

your eyes are tearing up. he wants to tease you for it because you were just riding his face and squirting on it like a minute ago and now you can't take it anymore? but instead, satoru begs. he begs for you to give him just one more because he's just that desperate.

he loves looking up at you as you try your best to satiate his thirst, which will not be satiated till you pass out. the cold tip of his nose pressed against your pearl to give you stimulation enough to keep dripping into his mouth. he loves it so much to the point where he swears, if his tongue isn't enough, he'll put a damn strap on his face and make you ride that too.

__________________________________

#gojo satoru #gojo satoru smut #gojo x reader #gojo smut #gojo satoru x reader #jjk smut #jjk fanfiction #jjk x reader #gojo satoru x you #jjk x you #gojo x you #gojo x reader smut #gojo satoru x reader smut

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sirfrogsworth · 1 year

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The Babylon Bee School of Comedy

Have you ever wanted to make Elon Musk reply to you with a double cry laughing emoji?

If you crave that sweet billionaire validation you need only follow this carefully crafted conservative comedy content creation course for that powerhouse of online satire... The Babylon Bee.

Soon you too could be bootlicking billionaire balls with the rest of The BBee writers.

Are you ready to get your learn on?

Let us Bee-gin.

The number one most important rule that all The BBee writers must internalize to their core...

Conservative comedy abhors effort.

Brainstorming for hours on end to craft the perfect premise and punchline... is for the Libs. Check out this Facebook meme that got 10,000 likes.

Can you order Starbucks from a bar? Doesn't matter, it's a snowflake drink for a snowflake Lib.

Does this joke not have an actual punchline? Doesn't matter, get lost you stupid Lib!

Is this technically a joke by definition? Doesn't matter, if you believe it is a joke, then it's a joke! Just like modern currency.

If you put too much thought into a joke, it might grow in complexity. That could be confusing! The death knell of any conservative joke are the words, "Hmm, that's a thinker."

This brings us to rule number two...

NO THINKERS!

Let's take this Ben Garrison comic as an example.

Spell everything out! Label everything! Don't leave anything to the imagination! If your audience has to figure something out or draw their own conclusions, what fun is that?

Conservatives want to hear things that are familiar. They want their beliefs parroted back at them. You must regurgitate those beliefs and then just make it *sound* like a joke. Don't break new ground or introduce new ideas. Don't get all caught up in interesting wordplay or clever puns or subverting expectations.

All expectations should be fully verted.

That is definitely a word because I saw someone use it on Facebook. End of research.

Here is a helpful tip. If you can't imagine the joke coming out of the mouth of late night comedy genius GUTFELD!, then you need to dial it back a bit. Do not surpass GUTFELD! levels of humor. GUTFELD! is your touchstone.

youtube

Oh, GUTFELD! I laughed so hard I FELD it in my GUT.

See, I went too far with my fancy pun. That is not the GUTFELD! way.

But what happens if inspiration is fleeting and you can't pay attention to your comedy writing task because you don't believe ADHD is real and thus you are unmedicated?

Don't you worry. If you do happen to get writer's block or are distracted by a funny Pepe meme or a shiny object, just call your racist uncle and say the magic word... "Bidenflation."

As the ensuing unhinged rant darts from subject to subject without any kind of connecting theme, just start writing down every right wing buzzword you hear. Then just insert those buzzwords Mad Libs-style into a derivative joke format.

Let's practice!

Ex. 1: Why did the PRONOUNS cross the BORDER? To get to the DRAG QUEEN STORY HOUR!

Ex. 2: How many GENDERS does it take to GROOM a lightbulb? Two! One to hold the BUTT PLUG and one to GO WOKE, GO BROKE.

Great start! I'm sure with a polishing pass those will make more sense. Or not. The bar is pretty much "will it get clicks?" so we're not too worried about coherence.

Heh... Mad Libs.

U MAD, LIBS?

Get it? Cuz Libs are always mad? About the normalized bigotry and whatnot.

Jokes are always better when you need to explain them.

Oh! That's another rule. Write that down. Wisdom like this is why I am teaching this course, of course. Hah, that's like that horse show song. I got jokes coming out the wazoo. Wazoo is my butt, right? Siri, is wazoo a butt? Oof, I'm kinda spacing on what the next lesson is.

I really wish Matt Walsh hadn't flushed my Adderall down the crapper.

Can I get a second opinion? Top Gun was so good. What does Tom Cruise think about ADHD? He always has good takes on stuff like this. Did I leave my oven on? Shazam, what song goes doodoo doo doo doooooo? Can you vacuum a yard? Has anyone tried that? That sounds more like a marijuana thought than an ADHD tangent. I should double check the THC content of that cotton candy vape juice.

I'm flyin' off the rails over here.

Matt, are you super duper sure it's not real?

Okay, fine. I'm an "energetic boy."

I hope whichever fish absorbs my meds is extra focused on whatever fish shit he needs to get done.

COMEDY WRITING!

Sometimes it is best to learn through observation. Let's eavesdrop on an actual The BBee writer's room to see how the sausage is made...

"So what did your racist uncle have to say?"

"Well, first he texted me a cameraphone picture of Trump as an astronaut that he wants me to print out cuz he doesn't know what a crypto wallet is... but then he said all the woke schools are turning kids into a bunch of gay commies."

"EUREKA!"

Classic! The BBee writers strike again. I mean, they aren't striking. There is no commie clamoring for a union at The Babylon Bee. That's for damn sure. FOCUS!

Do you get the joke though? With the kids and the gay and the communism?

Because all of those woke schools totally cover complex economic theories in 4th grade and all it takes to turn gay is a little persuasion from a teacher with green hair. Libs of TikTok wouldn't lie about that. End of research.

Look at this public school teacher!

I mean, you knooow she has a litter box in her classroom. I can just sense it. End of research.

Sure... it is just a context-free picture of a person with green hair in front of a flag and you cannot actually judge the quality of their teaching ability from this. But yoouuu knoooooow she is skipping right over grammar lessons and giving detailed instructions on how to turn gay.

Step 1: Look at a bunch of butts. Step 2: Touch a bunch of butts. Step 3: Gay sex a bunch of butts.

(Replace butts with cooches for lesbians.)

Grooming accomplished.

And you definitely shouldn't look up that green-hair'd, nose ring'd educator and research her any further. Extensive research is for the Libs, bro. Because you definitely don't want to discover she is a passionate high school English teacher who makes fun content on TikTok in the hopes that people will buy things off her wishlist so her students will have a better learning experience. I mean, caring about her students? That's so gay.

YoooOOOuuuUUU knnnooooooOOOw she is a bad teacher because she has green hair and a flag. End. Of. Research.

So... you have your gay communist headline that is perfect to get all of those sweet conservative clicks. But you still have a full webpage to fill out with more words and stuff.

Now I want to see if you learned anything from my perfectly focused and informative teachings. I want you to write some jokes about kids becoming gay communists.

Ready? GO!

Joke #1 Little Billy has wealthy parents so all the students will share his cookie at snack time.

Joke #2 At the beginning of the day, students pick a new gender out of a hat but all the kids fight over Attack Helicopter.

Joke #3 At lunch, the students have to stand in a peanut butter and jelly bread line.

Joke #4 The teacher makes the kids take turns combing each others' hair for a grooming session.

Wait a sec... are those... THINKERS?

No no no no no! You made my brain all confused and thinky!

You need to calm down, you overachieving silly billy. You forgot the first rule... NO EFFORT.

Just make the same joke over and over again with slightly different wording. EASY!

Remember the classic final rule of comedy...

Jokes always get funnier the more you repeat them.

Anyway, that's probably enough... joke.

Now let's close this article out!

Maybe we can drop the pretense this is comedic satire and just do some hardcore pandering. Gotta own the Libs, amirite?

Gender theory and drag queens and guns, oh my! That is pure pander-monium.

Just shove those factless tactless Tucker talking points straight down their gullet. They'll forget this was supposed to be funny and shake their fist in the air with exaltation. And it's definitely a great idea to put the thought of gunning down drag queens in their heads. That won't backfire in any way!

Congratulations! You are now ready to "write" for The Babylon Bee.

Please purchase this official Trump NFT certificate for $99 that acknowledges that you have completed this course and have a very poor understanding of what satire actually is.

End of research.

#long post #trigger warning #matt walsh #transphobia #homophobia #satire #babylon bee

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rockstvrdotcom · 1 year

Note

okay, hear me out, a D/S dynamic with Ticci Toby. One day you leave the mansion and go into town to buy a couple of things with Toby, and while he's gone to go get something some random guy approaches you. You don't realize it but he's flirting with you and again without realizing it you're somewhat flirting back, but Toby definitely noticed and when you get back to the mansion he's decided that you need to be taught who you belong to.

- 𝙔𝙊𝙐'𝙍𝙀 𝙈𝙄𝙉𝙀 !! ⪼☆

TICCI TOBY X FEM! READER ♡

enjoy!

oh my gosh i literally love this OMGG

CW: hair pulling, being tied up, dom/sub, jealousy fuck, breeding kink, orgasm denial (like once) , light choking, degradation, name calling (slut, whore, cunt), fwb, dub con (if u squint..)

you can skip to the part where it becomes NSFW cuz its kinda long

"you ready to go?" toby asked, keys to the mansions shared car in hand. he wore a black hoodie and some grey cargos with a belt, a mask covering the lower half of his face. you were just gonna get groceries for the mansion, you and toby were the more "normal looking" people.

you nodded, heading towards the exit. he opens the door for you and you thank him in response. you heard the old van's engine begin to run, you were suprised how that old thing still works. you head to the van, opening the door to the drivers seat. toby grabs your wrist. "we both know you suck at driving, let me drive." he said so passive aggresively. you roll your eyes, "i also suck something else." you winked. he looked away, shoving you into the car.

you mostly sat in silence for most of the ride, the occasional sex joke here and there. the ride to get into town was almost half an hour with this old ass van, leaving you both plenty of alone time.

but, you and toby arent a couple. actually, you aren't even that close as friends. it's more of a friends with benefits situation, whenever you both are horny or whatever, you fuck. that's pretty much it. you don't really talk when you're not doing that.

you think hes cute and hot, and he thinks the same for you. thats for sure. but relationships in the mansion never really.. work. you asked toby out before, but he rejected you since it "distracts from work" or whatever he says, you guys never became more than just friends with benefits. you breathe in as you both arrive to the grocery store. just a few snacks and frozen meals, you both didn't want to be out for long. your faces have been on wanted papers lately, you didnt wanna risk it.

you looked at the checklist..

waffles

broccoli

kitchen knife

pizza

noodles

water

it wasn't much, so you took your time look through the aisles for something you wanted. as you walked, you accidentally bumped into some random guy who had tons of stuff in his hand.

"i'm so sorry-" you let out a little gasp, apologizing for the inconvenice. you don't usually apologize, let alone do you even say anything thats somewhat nice, but damn this guy was smoking hot.

"it's no problem," the guy laughed. you smiled back sheepishly. "would you mind helping me pick this stuff up? if you have time of course." he asked.

you nodded yes frantically. picking up this fallen cans of food and whatever else there was, as you were, he asks "what's your name?" while scratching his neck, trying not to make it obvious he was trying to get your number.

"it's y/n. what's yours?" you ask back. you finished helping him pick everything up.

"it's emir." he smiled. he was almost as tall as toby, he was about 6'1 (ik thats not tobys canon height) with (h/c) hair and (s/t) skin.. and he was mighty fine.

"sooo.. i think you're pretty cute. and i may or may not have bumped into you on purpose just to get your number.." he laughed nervously and you giggled in response.

"aw thanks! i think you're pretty cute too," you took out your phone, "my number is-" you felt an arm snake around you, and another snatch your phone out of your hand.

you looked behind you, a figure slightly towering over you. "what the f-" he shushed you.

"she has a boyfriend." it was toby, you realized that when he grabbed you by the wrist and dragged you to the exit, grocery bags in his other hand. you looked behind you to emir and mouthed sorry. he laughed awkwardly, disappointed.

toby let go of you so you could get in the van. you both went in and literal steam was about to come out of your ears. "toby, what the actual fuck was that." you said with furrowed eyebrows.

he stayed silent and turned on the radio. he began to drive and you scoffed. "the guy was actually hot too.." you mumbled under your breath. you faintly heard a grunt escape tobys mouth and you rolled your eyes. "while you were flirting with some guy, i got the groceries." he said, eyes focusing ahead of him while he started the engine.

"we weren't even flirting, he just wanted my number!" you told him, anger obvious in your voice.

"like hell you weren't flirting. you literally were about to give him your number dumbass." you kept silent after he said that, and looked out the window for the rest of the ride.

by the time you both were out of the car and at the mansion, he had a death grip on your arm as he dragged you up the staircase and into his room. he slams the door behind you, locking it.

nsfw below the cut! ★

he pinned you against the wall. "you're fucking mine." he whispered into your ear. he moved strands of your hair away and bit and sucked at your neck and shoulders, showing everybody who you belong to. you moaned out his name, feeling his dick growing through his pants against your leg. he shoved you onto the bed, getting ontop of you with his knee inbetween your legs. he took off his belt and took ahold of your wrists, tying you to the headboard of his bed.

his look softened for a second, admiring your body beneath him. "you're such a fucking slut. what makes you think you can talk to other men like that? you're mine, you belong to me." he said into the nook of your neck, lightly choking you as he was taking in the smell of your perfume. he took off your clothes that were already half off. he fondled with your breasts, smashing his lips against yours, your lipstick lightly smudged on his lips. his lips found their way across your body, he left occasional hickeys on the way down to your pussy.

he aggresively kissed your inner thighs, "all mine." he grunted inbetween kisses. hands gripping your thighs, his nails digging into your skin.

"i'm all yours, toby." you said under your breath, your back slightly arched.

"bullshit." he scoffed as he looked up at you, pushing your panties aside and putting his fingers inside of you, thrusting them in and out of your dripping wet cunt. a loud moan escaped through your lips as he began to eat you out while he fingered you, tongue circling around your clit.

"you love my tongue, don't you? slutty bitch." he said, words laced with venom and jealousy. his harsh words brought heat straight down to your pussy, you clenched around his fingers. you became increasingly hot, and knew your orgasm was coming.

"toby- fuck- i'm coming." you moaned, biting your lip. the knot in your stomach began to untie. you felt his pace begin to slow, then stop. you whined, bucking your hips up hoping to get some pleasure and bring you to your high. he retracted from your pussy and took back his fingers. leaving you a panting and sweaty mess, still tied up. he shoved his fingers into your mouth, making you taste yourself on his hands. "suck, whore." he told you, pushing his fingers further down your throat.

"please toby, let me cum, please. i'm sorry. " you cried out through his fingers, begging for your release. he chuckled at your pleas.

"you wanna cum so bad, don't you? fucking slut." he laughed at you, the humiliation brung red to your cheeks as you tugged at his belt that kept you stuck to the bed, begging to be untied and atleast finish yourself if he wasn't gonna do it for you.

you sighed in relief as he took off his shirt and pants, throwing them to the side and pulling down his boxers just enough so his dick would pop out. "i'm gonna put all of my babies inside of your pathetic cunt." he growled, eyeing down your naked body like a hungry wolf.

he pushed his dick into your pussy, already thrusting in and out at a brutal pace. you cried out, back arched. he admired how your eyes rolled back and how your beautiful voice was chanting his name. he messily played with your clit as he pounded in and out of you, the bed banging against the wall.

you felt the knot in your stomach being brung back once again, tears of pleasure flowed out of your eyes. he straddled your hips, nails plunged into your sides, enough to break skin. you tried to grip onto something even with your hands tied, clenching on his dick.

"fuck fuck fuck fuck- i'm coming, please let me cum." you begged. he looked at you for a second, as if he was making a decision. then he picked up his pace, going faster than before. you cried out in pleasure, a wave of ecstasy washing over you as you came around his cock.

you felt his hips stutter, his pace became slower and sloppy. he wrapped his hand around your throat, leaning over you while playing with your tits. you bit your lip, still riding out your high. his thrusting sped up, then came to a stop. you felt him release inside of you. "fuck, your gonna look so pretty with my babies growing inside of you." he told you behind clenched teeth, roughly caressing your cheek.

"i don't wanna see you acting like that with another guy again." he said, about to unbuckle your wrists. you scoffed in annoyance.

"i asked you out and you said no, that's your fucking problem." the sexual tension was still there, but you could see rage on his face.

"your cunt belongs to me, you belong to me." he growled, before he roughly took ahold of your face and connected his lips with yours. his hands creeped down back to your pussy, playing with your clit. you tried to speak, to tell him that you were still sensitive. but it was muffled as he aggresively made out with you. he untied your hands, leaving them free to roam all across his body. you traced his muscles with your fingers, caressing every scar.

eventually you guys stopped eating at eachothers faces, and he laid down on the bed. you held him close to you, the room still smelled like sex. he pulled his boxers back up and pulled the sheets over both of you, kissing your forehead.

you laid there, your body sore. slowly, you began to drift away and fall asleep, head on his chest.

its not proofread so sorry if i made any mistakes. another post is coming otw! ♡

#creepypasta #creepypasta smut #ticci toby #tobias rogers #ticci toby smut #smut

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starsomens · 7 months

Text

IMAGINE IMAGINE

a home birth with Noah 🥹like instead of doing the hospital you both agree that doing it at home would be better, more peaceful and just overall a better birth experience for you.

Noah like we’ve said is super observant and knows that the hospital isn’t the best when it comes to listen to how women want to give birth aside from in their backs (this isn’t prove by facts I’m sure many hospitals do listen to women just go with it)

And yes I am convinced Noah researched different methods and positions for birth and what would make it safer and easier for you. And what’s more safe than at home with him? He will invest into EVERYTHING. A pool, the best most experienced doula/mid wife, supplies, an extra bed in case

EVERYTHING

I feel like he’s also the type to be the first to spot things before you. Like when you have a contraction and think “oh it’s just a cramp, or they’re just stretching”

“Yea the cramp, lasted about 3 minutes. You’re in labor mama” and he’d come and pet your belly like a dad does to the dog

Ans he was right🧍🏽‍♀️ you’re in early labor. He’s got the doula on hold and let her know you started early but still too early for her to come. I think he’s the type to document it because it’s such an intimate experience. Not graphically but like candid shots definitely

At first you were both joking about it and watching your stomach stretch and timing it and going “that was different that time” they were too bad at the start. But after a couple of hours he noticed it was starting to get to the part no one rlly liked. The one where pain was too much to ignore, when you had to really focus on it cuz it was intense. The part where he had to be your rock and hold you and support you.

Between contractions he tried to get you to sleep to have some kind of rest even though you weren’t really getting any.

So now it’s his role to step up and be your support physically, emotionally and mentally. He knows birth can take a toll on women in more ways then one and who was he not to support and be there for you???

On top of that no medication, you both went into this knowing you wouldn't have the option for epidural.

“Squeeze my hand baby you got this”

“Where do you need me?”

“You want me to just hold you?”

“Breathe in…and out baby. Good just like that”

“You’re almost dome princess. Almost there”

You both agreed on a water delivery so he had gotten you the best most expensive pool possible. By the time the doula got there you had been in active labor for about 4’hours now. She did be usual check up for heart rate and dilation, you were only at 3 cm at that moment do you had some ways to go.

He’d would walk around the house with you, hand your hands while you used the yoga ball or tried to distract you with some singing, which at one point worked very well. After some strong waves he’d wipe you tears away and give you some water

“I know princess, but you did so good. So strong” he knew his words could have only so much effect on the situation but he was doing everything he was able to do for you. He helps get you in the pool and used a small towel to wash warm water down your back.

“We’re super close babe…what do you think it’s gonna be?” You wanted the sex to be a surprise and you were back and forth with old wives tales

“Mm, I’m still thinking it’s a boy” you said letting your head rest on the edge of the inflatable pool

“Really a Boy? I thought you would have wanted another copy of yourself” he smiles

“A copy of you would be so cute though” you try and smile

“But a copy of you would be perfect. Either way, I’m just so happy they’re finally coming”

Then it’s time for the hardest part 🙃

"Ready baby...push..you got it 1..2..3..4.."

"That was a good push baby, good job"

"I gotchu, I'm right here baby. Good, good..you're doing so good"

Doesn't care about the screaming and if anything he encourages you to while you push. Is very surprised and kinds scared at the grip you had on his hand, but that was the least of his worries.

Entire labor took about 8 hours and ended by the night with about 5 pushes and now you had a beautiful baby boy. lots of crying, Noah cant stop kissing and thanking you. He's just watching you be a mom and he can't look away and he can't wipe the smile off his face.

"He's so perfect princess, he's got your nose"

While he was being weighed and measured Noah helped you get out of the tub and into the shower. He helped get you cleaned up and dressed. After your son was cleaned and swaddled he was brought to you both for some skin to skin and feeding.

It was so intimate, you weren't rushed and didn't have doctors interrupting every hour or so

"You did so good princess...he's perfect "

"Well you were here too, and you did great supporting me. Thank you" you look up at him

"I am at your beck and call, but really you did all the hard work. I'm so proud of you"

#bad omens #noah sebastian #noah sebastian x reader #bad omens fanfiction #noahsebastian #I just wanted some more dad noah #star's blurbs

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17snifflesandsnzes · 25 days

Note

heyy and welcome to tumblr, it's always nice to have a new sickfic writer.

and specifically i've been looking for someone to write bnd fics!! i have a request if you could write a snzfic for leehan where he is obviously coming down with something but he only realizes it while they're filming "What?Door!" content or maybe we can see it in this dorm vlogs, i'll leave it to you.

oh and for main caretaker i was thinking taesan like he's the first one to notice and takes care of him from afar but not making it obvious cuz leehan won't admit he's sick until it's really bad.

I know right!! It's so hard to find BND fics on here! I'm glad I could write one! I hope you like it!!

He Just Needs Some Extra Attention Sometimes

Leehan's pov:

Filming FunNextDoor was something I looked forward to, always. The first time we filmed it was filled with so many precious memories that I was beyond excited when our company told us we would be filming a season 2 of FunNextDoor. I expected all of my members to have a lot of fun and relax, away from the idol life for a while. What I hadn't expected was the pounding headache I woke up with on the day of filming. I guess it's just the endless hours of practice finally catching up to me. Going through my morning routine as quickly as I could, I made my way to our shared dorm kitchen. “Good morning, Donghyun-ah!” I looked up to see Sungho hyung and Jaehyun hyung in the kitchen. Sungho hyung appeared to be making something and Jeahyun hyung…looked like he was only there to bother Sungho. Chuckling at the sight, I took a seat at the table and pulled out some cereal. “You aren't gonna eat?” Sungho hyung asked. Always so considerate. “No, hyung. I'm not that hungry anyway.” Sungho frowned at me but didn’t say anything.

I ate my breakfast while the rest of the members slowly entered our kitchen. Jaehyun and Woonhak immediately started doing their own thing, their energy bouncing off of each other. Dongmin and Sanghyeok stood to the side, talking to each other. And even though I was always grateful for Jaehyun and Woonhak, their loud voices definitely weren't helping my headache. I sighed softly, rubbing my fingers against the bridge of my nose. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I looked up to see Dongmin handing me a painkiller. “You okay?” He asked me as I chugged a glass of water with the painkiller. “Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry.” Dongmin sighed but didn't say anything. Soon enough, we were walking to our company building with our staff, all ready for filming. And despite the excitement I had felt about the filming of FunNextDoor, my headache was making it difficult to enjoy the process. Along with the headache, my eyes were also getting slightly watery and my nose had started running as well. I blamed it on the cold weather but all these things together were definitely making my life difficult at the moment.

Taesan pov:

I had noticed Donghyun acting strange since the morning, actually. He looked way more distracted than usual. He also had absolutely no energy. I could see him wince at the members’ loud voices as they talked. I had offered him a painkiller to give him some relief but looking at him now, he definitely looks like he's catching a cold. Or already has one. His eyes are watery and slightly red, his nose looks itchy and he keeps breathing through his mouth. Knowing Donghyun, he was barely gonna acknowledge being sick as he's too busy in his own world which is what motivated me to take care of him, even if it was from afar. I couldn't just let him suffer on his own!

Soon we were boarding the bus that was gonna take us to our MT destination. I deliberately took a seat next to Donghyun to keep an eye on him. Thankfully, he didn't seem to mind. We sat in silence for a while until I heard a soft gasp from beside me. I turned to see Donghyun cupping his hands over his nose and mouth, eyes closing. “hh'ItChiHh!- hh'IkTShuHh!-” “Bless you.” I whispered to him and he nodded, the tips of his ears going red. I decided not to say anything yet and we continued to sit in silence, letting the members’ voices wash over us.

Leehan pov:

I knew Dongmin was probably worried about me after I sneezed in front of him but I'm glad he didn't make a big deal out of it. Once we arrived at our MT destination, all of us gathered in the living room to do stuff together. Even though I felt a little tired, I didn't want my members to worry about me so I made my way to the living room. I sat on the floor in front of the couch, letting my head roll back to rest on it, eyes closed. I felt a hand cars through my hair and I opened my eyes to see Dongmin, softly smiling down at me. “You look tired, Donghyun-ah. Do you wanna take a nap?” Barely registering the question, I nodded. Dongmin nodded as well before gently taking my hands and guiding me to our shared room. When I felt a burning sensation in my nose, however, I pulled my hands from his grip and turned away from him quickly. “hh'HktShuHh!-” Dongmin looked back at me, his eyes betraying his concern. “Bless you. Are you okay?” “Yeah, I'm fine.” I could tell he was still concerned despite my reply but he stayed silent. Dongmin guided me to my bed, whispering a soft rest well to me. I smiled at him in gratitude and soon enough, I fell asleep.

Taesan pov:

I was actually surprised at how quickly Donghyun fell asleep. And even though I already had my suspicions, I now knew for sure that he was sick. I didn't want to tell the hyungs yet because I knew that Donghyun himself didn't register his illness. Which is why I wanted to take care of him from afar until his condition got worse enough for him to acknowledge it and tell the hyungs. After quite a while, Donghyun finally woke up from his nap. He took a seat at the couch, hair messy from his nap. “You're up, Donghyun-ah! You slept for quite a while.” Jaehyun hyung commented, patting Donghyun's thigh. Donghyun smiled slightly at the attention. After a few minutes of sitting there, he rubbed at his nose, sniffling wetly. I quickly handed him a pack of tissues. He smiled at me gratefully before taking a few tissues out and softly blowing his nose. The pressure must've triggered a tickling sensation in his nose because he gasped soon after, his eyes closing. “hh’IkTShUhHh!- hh'HkTChiHhh!-” He rubbed the tissues against his nose again, groaning. “Bless you.” I said softly. He looked up at me with slightly teary eyes. “Thank you.” I scooted closer to him and ran a hand through his hair. “Care to admit you're sick now?” I asked teasingly and he nodded, blowing his nose again. Which caused his breath to start hitching again as well. “Hh'IkTChiHh!- hh'ItChiHh!-” I blessed him again as he rubbed his nose aggressively. “Sorry. You're right, I think I'm getting sick.” I laughed softly at the confession before guiding him gently back to his room. “You need to rest, Donghyun-ah. Get some sleep.” He stayed quiet but I knew that he agreed to the idea. As he entered his room, he turned back to me. “Thanks, Dongmin-ah.” I reached out and ruffled his hair. “No problem, Hyun-ah. Now get some sleep.” He smiled before entering his room. I stood at his doorway until he fell asleep and as I left his room, I smiled to myself. I guess he just needs some extra attention sometimes.

#boynextdoor #bnd #leehan #taesan #han dongmin #ksnz #idol snz #snz #kpop sickfic #kpop snzfic #snzfic #kim donghyun

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bubblingbowie · 2 years

Text

distracting me | argyle x reader

no use of pronouns, feminine terms(boobs and skirts and such), plus sized reader

summary: you work two stores down from argyle. he always sees you and sometimes talks to you. he wants to look away from you sometimes, but you look so good.

warnings: argyles a perv i’m ngl to you lmao, reader is plus size and talk about body image n such, smut but no actual full on sex, just booby sucking, but like descriptions of him jerkin it to you lol, you can call the reader dom but they just take charge, it’s a cliff hanger oh noooo. i think that’s it??

words: 2.3k

you always walk through the strip he works at. a cute babe trotting their way to work two stores down from surfer boy pizza. and every time you walk by the window, he looks.

he doesn’t have the strongest grasp on social awareness, especially when he’s high, so he gawks. jaw dropped, his eyes doe eyes, arms heavy. you’re beautiful. every time he sees you he gets hot. his cheeks and nose gets bright red, a compliment to his bloodshot eyes. he can’t help but want to know what you feel like. how plush your thighs are in his grasp. how your breasts spill out between his hands while holding them. he thinks about it a lot. and gets hard at work a lot.

the first time you come in on your lunch break, he practically begs the cashier to let him take your order. he just wants to know how you sound. what your voice is like. is it high pitched and light? is it low and deep? either way, he could bet at least $10 that he’ll love it.

“welcome to surfer boy pizza, the best pizza you could get, unless you count dominos but do you think you’ll get as good service? no. you need some water? we got you dude! if you need anything at all we’ll get it for you! i mean we can even get you other things than pizza! except money cuz that’d be considered stealing, man.” he looked at you, feeling his cheeks get hot when he found your eyes not bored like most people when he rambles, but intrigued. he doesn’t get that often, accept with jonathan.

“that sounds great thanks man. i’ll just get uhhh two slices of pineapple pizza. i’ve always wanted to try it ever since i saw the sign for it outside. my friends say it looks weird but honestly“ he was cut off by his thoughts. you’re perfect. he could listen to you for hours. but the worst part was, he could feel his pants tightening. you bent over slightly while talking to him made him go crazy with the sight of your tits in front of him. “-so yeah that’s how i thought pineapple was a vegetable.” a small pause ”wait i was ordering right?”

“y-yeah. pizza.” he stuttered. “that’s all we do here.”

“and breadsticks.” you smiled. his length twitched at that smile. he’s so glad you can only see him waist up right now. he didn’t acknowledge your comment before turning around and telling the order to the people in the kitchen. he looked over his shoulder slowly to see you still staring at him, making him quickly look away. he needs you so bad.

“yeah the pizza will be out soon. could i uh..have your name..to call out?” they don’t call out names, just the order. he just really wanted to know your name. you said yours looking at the kitchen behind him curiously.

“whoa..uh chill name. very cool.” he smiled brushing off the clear cloudiness in his mind from the thought of fucking you. he wants to feel weird about it. but he just wants to feel you.

you just nodded and walked off to the side. he didn’t want to talk to anyone besides you so he walked away. from the counter, from everyone, from you and locked himself in the bathroom. what was he doing to do with himself?

the second time you went into the shop was three days later. it was lunch rush and argyle was already busy with other customers to notice you walking in. he can’t lie, he missed talking to you. missed seeing you. he had already jerked it 7 times to the thought of you since he last saw you.

you walked to him ready to order. he spun around and was shocked, expecting anyone else but you.

“hey dude welcome to- oh shit…hey man you’re back.” he looked you up and down at your outfit. it was so fucking tight on you. your thighs were extruding out and it was all he could focus on. he could beg for you to turn around right now. that would be some real eye candy.

“yeah i’m back! can’t really go anywhere else here. i’ll have the two slices of pineapple pizza again. i gotta say you got me hooked on it.” he shouldn’t be so happy he had an impact on you for something so small but for now he sees you as a goddess. and it’s truly an honor to be talking to you.

“always live by the rule of try before you deny!” you laughed at that and went to get your wallet to pay. he shamelessly gawked at your chest. thank god you weren’t looking at him, but once you did, his eyes shot up at you.

“how much is it?” you asked

“huh?”

“the pizza. how much do i owe you?” you have a sweet smile, waiting for his reply.

“oh! four thirty seven.” you help out a five and he took it. “that’ll be out in a minute” he paused before saying your name, he loved how it sounded. he’s said it so many times before, just with his cock in his hands. but you didn’t know that. that’s what made it fun.

the third time was when he was closing. the kitchen was cooled and down. tables sanitized and chairs put away. but somehow you came in.

“oh crap you’re closing. sorry, i had the munchies.” you said, not even inside yet. wait. did your clothes get any tighter? or was he loosing blood in his head from the raging boner he had by seeing your top. thin. you weren’t leaving anything up to the imagination. and he wasn’t angry. he bathed in your body’s light. people would scoff and laugh at your stomach. make fun of your rolls. of course he didn’t think anything was wrong with you, because nothing was. but the fact you were confident enough to ignore them or even say something back? that’s what made him rock hard every night.

that’s what made him think about how you’d feel in his lap. looking all pretty, smoke around you. half lidded lust catching up and you bounce up and down on him. how do you moan? are they more like whimpers? either way he’d drink them up like nectar.

“no hey! you can stay man. the uh..the drink machines still going if you want something. a coke or anything.” he tried desperately to convince you to stay. he wanted to be alone with you. you didn’t even have to do anything. just sitting with you and talking to you would be enough jerk off material for him later.

“oh yeah sure! that’s fine i suppose.” you walk in and set your stuff down on the counter. “mind giving me a cup?” he scrambled to say ‘sure’ and ran to the back, searching for the red plastic cups they use. he looked at you through the small window from the kitchen. what if he made his move? what if…he did something with you? oh god. he can’t even think about it.

“here you go. get whatever you’d like, man. you have the luxury here.” he gave a small laugh looking down at you as you smiled at him. you quickly turned around and walked to the machine and. there it was. he’s been waiting for you to turn around and flaunt that ass for weeks. he almost moaned from the sight of if. you were so plump. so full and he couldn’t handle it. the thoughts of taking you to his van and making you his was almost unbearable.

“is it alright if i sit on the counter? the chairs are all put away and ive been standing all day” you look at him, sipping on your straw from your drink.

“no yeah go ahead dude. we can stay here as long as you want. actually maybe after 9 would be good. but even after maybe i could take you in my van. i know a good road to just drive on and…it’d be neat to..drive..” god help him you looked too tempting. again, with no social awareness, he stared. your cleavage hypnotizing him like some sort of sex crazed middle schooler. although he wasn’t far from that.

“you alright, ari?” that nickname. when other people say it, it’s always just kind of nice. when you said it, everything in him wanted to lay you down on the counter and put his face between your legs.

“dude…can i be honest?” he said, putting his hands on the counter on each side of you. you had a worried sick expression.

“yeah go ahead. do you want me to leave? oh shit i knew i was over stepping i always do this! i’ll leave you so-“ he couldn’t think, he just wanted you to know he wants you. he slowly moves his hands off the counter and onto your hips.

“you’re the hottest thing i’ve ever seen. and i work around pizza ovens” you want to laugh at his horrible joke but the way his hands are glued onto your mid hip, just meeting your thighs.

“dude..what are you-“

“your tits are unbelievable, man.” he interrupted. he wasn’t even listening to you. he just wanted to grope and feel and squeeze. now you knew what’s up with him. the man is horny. because of you. argyle saw a grin on you and looked up at you, not moving his head.

“you think so? i think they’re alright.” you shrugged, looking back at him. the tension was like rubber, if one of you let go of one end, it would snap and who knows what would happen.

“just alright? i’ve seen many but dude these make shannon tweeds look like nothing, man.” then he stopped with words and movement alike. “hey if you don’t wanna do any of this, no hard feelings. i’m a man and i’ll back off if you want.” in shock of him not picking up hints, you put your hands on his shoulders.

“touch me more ari.” with a slow nodding of his head he placed his palms back into your waist. moving up and up and up until…jackpot. he started slow with holding your chest. soft light touches. then when he saw there was no discomfort, he squeezed. and there was a whine from your lips.

there was the snap.

“holy shit…” he gasped, feeling the tightening feeling in the pants once again.

“enjoying yourself babe?” babe? ari wants to do so much to you just to say that again. he nods eagerly. he puts his finger just slightly into your shirt, signaling he wants to pull it down. with a quick nod while looking into those glossy eyes, he pulls and your tits fall out.

it was like christmas for him. this angel before him and their even more angelic boobs right in front of his face.

“you just gonna stare at them?” you tilted you head to the side and gently put your hand on top of his head. he knew what you meant. and he couldn’t be more eager.

he leaned forward and put his lips around your left bud, earning a groan from you, the vibration traveling to his lips. he’s done this before but he’s never been this needy. he’s drooling all over your tits and all you can do is enjoy his deprived licks and prods and your chest.

he didn’t once take his lips away from your skin traveling to the other mound, just kissed his way over. he was gentle with his touching but his kissing and sucking? harsh.

“ari come here” you softly spoke to not startle him. he looked up and detached his lips, a string of drool following. you urged his head gently up to your face and kissed him. yup. a harsh kisser. but who can blame him? he likes you so much that he can’t believe this is even happening! “how long have you wanted to do this hm?” you spoke as you pulled away and he sighed.

“i think..since you started working where you are. you always walked by where i could see you. dude i gotta say..you’re gorgeous. not just hot but beautiful. you’re still hot but i want you to know it that you’re both.” he saw your expression of confusion. wide eyed and eyebrows furrowed. “am i making sense?”

“perfect sense” you kissed his forehead, accepting his confession of a crush. then moved for another kiss on his lips. “what do you want to do to me babe?”

“i can choose?” he said sitting up more straight to look at you, he wanted to be more leveled with you.

“unless you want me to. i can take control.” you said with a grin, giving him infamous ‘fuck me’ eyes. it’s like the more you do, the more he shuts down and want to be taken care of.

“w-well…maybe i could…see what between” he drifted off as he leaned down just above your thighs, placing his hand on top of them. “these sweet babies” he was sweating with anticipation.

“you wanna taste me?” you said pure raw need laced within your voice. all he did was nod his. “come on words babe”

“yeah. id love to.” a grin was placed onto your face.

“then get to work.”

#argyle stranger things #argyle x reader #argyle x y/n #x plus size reader #plus size reader #argyle x reader smut

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panickeddemon · 5 months

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ddlc hcs: are they a morning or night person?

Monika

-she's naturally a night person but she tries to be morning person for the sake of her schedule

-due to school and other responsibilities she puts importance in being punctual therefore often making herself wake up early, it unfortunately doesn't come naturally to her however

-as she mentioned in the side stories, she often gets distracted doing things late at night. She truly enjoys staying up late into the night when she's finally done with her day and she's granted some time to relax and engage in the things she enjoys or explore new curiosities

-She tries, she truly does try to go to bed early, she sets herself a specific time, get herself ready and everything but more often than not she can't help herself from indulging a little.

-That little turns into a lot leaving her to set numerous alarms, chug coffee and shower blast herself in the morning

-this was the start of her coffee addiction by the way

-she adores those weekends or any mornings where she doesn't have a specific responsibility for the day, allowing her to finally stay up like a 2am gremlin and get a nice peaceful sleep in in the morning

-the days she gets to sleep in are very precious to her. If you wake her up early on a day when she doesn't need to you'll earn yourself a piercing death glare (green eyed stare hehe). Her passive aggressive grumpiness will last until she gets her sleep or an unhealthy amount of coffee.

-again that theme of her responsibility is more something she's had to teach herself over time rather than something natural

Sayori

-don't have as many hcs for her cuz we already the answer to this but I still got some

-we know she struggles with getting up in the morning and such so obviously not a morning person

-honestly, Sayori doesn't feel like she's a morning or night person but she stays up late into the night regardless

-usually not really by choice. she tries to go to bed but usually her mind is still awake and keeps her busy with heavy thoughts leaving her to not wanna wake up in morning

-she has at least some mild insomnia, her thoughts keep her up for hours and it's worse depending on how bad her mood is

-she often just accepts it and tries to distract herself with simple activities or videos on her phone and other random stuff

-If she has the energy she'll write a poem, some of her best stuff comes out at this time.

-y'know when you're a kid and you have that fear of being the last one to fall asleep? Well Sayori had that except she never grew out of it. Despite that she's still the often the last one to fall asleep.

-sometimes, especially on sleepovers, she gets a big burst of energy right before she crashes and passes out

-in the mornings she tries to get herself out of bed by thinking of things to look forward to that day

-loves sleeping when she can get it right

-sorry these r kinda depressing, anyway next character

Yuri

-okay hear me out, she's a morning person and a night person

-as you'd expect, Yuri stays up late reading or getting invested in another one of her interests

-as she mentioned in the side stories, she can get distracted with things at night, gets lost in it.

-Sometimes she forgets that sleeping is a thing you're supposed to do and suddenly its 3am (devils hour lol anyone remember that?)

-she loves it though, she loves having that special time to herself where the world is quiet and dark, she feels like she can really be herself

-but as much as she loves that, she also feels just as refreshed waking up early

-she loves waking up early, before everyone else

-she gets a couple hours or so before her day starts just to wake up and get herself ready at her own pace

-drink some tea, read, shower, that kinda stuff. It's like a calming ritual all to herself and it makes her feel more ready for the day.

-this often ends up in her not actually getting that much sleep, but she's used to it

-I can see Yuri being the kind of person who doesn't need that much sleep to function

-she can function perfectly fine on 2 hours of sleep without a drop of coffee or nothing

-she doesn't even get really tired that often she's a mad woman, she's just built different

Natsuki

-last but not least Natsuki, the only one I think wouldn't be a night person

-its not like she's an 8am freak or something, she thinks going to bed that early is loser behaviour

-but she prefers not to go to bed at like 1am or something, in a shining moment of responsiblity she usually tires to go to bed the earliest out of the four of them

-she prefers starting her day early and having sufficient time to chill and get herself and everything ready perfectly just the way she likes

-thought that's her preference, she doesn't always get the privilege of this

-at her house with her dad she gets anxious at night. She doesn't feel as comfortable in the same house as him

-she often waits until he falls asleep first before she's able to sleep and sometimes that can be much later than she likes

-and then she wakes up later than she wants. she doesn't sleep in so much that's she risks being late but it definitely doesn't give her enough time to relax

-so when she's sleeping somewhere else where she feels much safer she'll be the first to pass out and she can actually stick to her preferred routine

-she gets embarrassed about knocking out early but the others assure her it's fine

-sometimes when she's anxious about something her anxiety will wake her up (definitely not projecting no no no)

Quick extra Bonus (To push the Natsuri agenda real quick)

-I imagine if they all lived together, Natsuki & Yuri find out that they wake up around the same time, earlier than the other, so most mornings they get that time to themselves to chill and talk and be gay or whatever together :]

(I wanna write down some more of my natsuri hcs some time btw)

#ddlc hcs #ddlc headcanons #ddlc #doki doki literature club #ddlc plus #headcanons #monika hcs #sayori hcs #yuri hcs #natsuki hcs

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switchysyphus · 5 months

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Hunger kink fantasy - it’s super long oops

If you want to read it I’d appreciate it but if you don’t TLDR - my partner keeps me from having food all day, keeping me starving

I am allergic to some foods and generally am a really picky eater. In this situation I do have a partner and am working as a teacher.

Before falling asleep I make sure that my alarm is set for 7am since it’s a Monday morning but my partner has other plans. They secretly wake up before me and turn my alarm off. At 7:35am they wake me saying things like “babe! I thought you were awake! You have to leave for work in 10 mins.. come on wake up!” I drag myself out of bed and change quickly. I think maybe my partner has made me breakfast and I can eat in the car but he didn’t make me anything and it’s too late for me to make myself breakfast.

I teach my morning two classes while being a little hungry but used to not eating for 10-12 hours. During snack time while the kids are eating I try to go to the canteen to grab a snack but another teacher comes to me in a frantic rush saying that there is a problem with the printer and she desperately needs worksheets printed for her class in 10 minutes so I go with her to help her print her copies.

Oh well I think lunch is in an hour I can wait. The hour passes and finally it’s lunch time! I go to the staff room fridge and realise that I forgot to bring my packed lunch cuz I was rushing in the morning! I remember that I still have some money on my card that I can pay for lunch at the canteen! When I go down tho the card reader says it’s at zero so I have to put back the food I took! At this point I am starving… I try to order food but as I am about to press order my teacher friend reminds me that we aren’t allowed to order food cuz we need to set good example for the kids. I’m all out of options by now and soo hungry.

I just remind myself it’s only another 3 hours before I can go home and eat. I text my partner and tell him how hungry I am cuz I had to skip breakfast AND lunch! They say “oh you poor thing! Why don’t we go to that nice restaurant for dinner? You can fill your tummy with all the good food there!”

The hours pass slowly while I teach, soon enough the final bell rings so I can go home yay! By the time I come home it’s almost 4pm, starving I go to look in the fridge and there is nothing!

Partner chimes in and says “oh I cleared the fridge, I ate up the leftovers and threw away the expired stuff! Aren’t you so proud of me?”

I nod and say “I’m starving! Would you mind if we just order some pizza?”

They respond with “I’m not hungry babe, we will go to that lovely restaurant at 7 I already made the booking. I hope you don’t mind I invited some friends!”

I groan and say “ I havnt eaten since last night dinner! Is there really NOTHING I can eat now? Not even a small snack?”

They say “no baby, that homeless shelter needs snacks and you have a whole cupboard full of snacks so I donated them all… yes even the Cheetos and popcorn. Come let’s watch a movie to distract your hungry tummy!”

So we watch a Disney movie and they rubs my tummy which has started to growl, I curl up into them and hope that the times goes quickly. By 6:30pn partner tells me to go get ready and to dress pretty so I go shower and change starving at this point cuz it’s been almost 24 hours without any food. I get ready and they say “you look so thin in that dress baby, it looks so big on you!” I smile and nod. We leave for my favourite restaurant and as we are in the car they say oh shoot I forgot to tell you that “Daniel wanted to go for sushi for his birthday dinner so I couldn’t say no now could I? It’s HIS birthday after all!”

I start to cry cuz they know I don’t eat sushi and im allergic to the ginger and soya sauce they use. I ask if they can just turn around and drop me home but they say “no baby, my friends really want to see you! It’s been soo long and I already told them you would come. It would be rude for you not to come now” During dinner I am forced to sit and smile politely and tell everyone that I ate before coming when it’s been a full 24 hours of no food at this point! I get so hungry that try to take a sushi piece but partner slaps my hand and says “babe! You are allergic! You ate before coming.” I blush and keep talking to my friends. I suggest we go for ice cream but everyone is so tired and full now they all want to go home. On the drive home they keep rubbing their belly and saying they are wayy too much and are so full! I say I’m still hungry and ask again if we can pick up some food for me. Again they say “awww so cute for asking! But no baby, no food for that greedy tummy! Maybe if you wake up early tomorrow you will get breakfast!”

#hunger kink #fantasy #mine

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the-little-moment · 4 months

Text

The Quiet Part

(I'd like to apologize to anyone I have ever judged for writing side fics while the big stuff languishes cuz, uhhh.)

Summary: An injury brings Crosshair back to Kamino.

Words: 1,101

Warnings: medical inaccuracies, as per usual

Medbay, Tipoca City, Kamino

Crosshair slowly pulled free from the embrace of the anesthesia, opening his eyes to take in the familiar white walls of the Tipoca City medbay. Someone was bustling around the bed behind him. A med droid walked down the aisle at his feet. When he turned his head, he saw Senna, back turned to him as she typed at the rolling desk beside his bed. The doctor turned at the sound of Crosshair shifting against the sheets. He watched a gentle smile spread across her face, an unfamiliar warmth filling his chest.

Senna stood from her stool to sit on the edge of Crosshair's bed, smiling as the sniper looked up at her with strangely soft eyes. “How do you feel, dear?”

Crosshair blinked slowly, brow furrowing slightly as he seemed to digest the complex question. “Fine.” His voice was rough from sleep.

“That’s good.” Senna brushed his hair into place. “Everything went well. You should be back up in a couple days.”

“Okay.” A moment passed while he gazed up at her, as if seeing her for the first time. “Sen?”

“Yes, dear?”

“You’re really pretty.”

Senna’s eyes widened in surprise before crinkling at the edges. “Thank you, sweetheart.” She chuckled as she brushed his hair again and Crosshair leaned into her hand. “Somebody’s still a little loopy from the anesthesia, huh?”

“Nooo,” Crosshair sighed, eyelids beginning to droop. “You’re the prettiest girl I know.”

Senna leaned down to press a kiss to his forehead. “I think you’re pretty too," she whispered. She bit back a laugh as the sniper smiled, eyes closed.

“When I’m better, we should get married. That’d be nice.” Crosshair missed the look of shock on the doctor’s face, drifting off to the bright sound of her laughter.

Three days later, Crosshair was sitting on an exam table in his fatigues as Senna gave him a final scan. The others would be back to pick him up in six hours and he couldn’t wait to get out of here. A fractured clavicle had landed him back on Kamino after he’d had to wade into a fight to save Tech’s distracted ass from a B2. The clanker’s arm had come down on Crosshair’s shoulder, cleanly snapping the bone and almost causing him to faint from the burst of white hot pain. The rest of the Batch had dropped him off here for surgery, then been redeployed while Crosshair recovered. He gritted his teeth at the memory of Wrecker's cheery, "Get well soon!"

Senna hummed in satisfaction as the readings came up on her monitor. “Everything looks good, dear. I’m marking you fit for duty.”

“Thank kriff,” the sniper sighed, ready to get back into his armor. He lowered himself from the table, trying to ignore the lingering twinge in his collarbone that was further clouding his mood. He hated being trapped here, even with Senna’s company, while the others were out there, no doubt getting into trouble without him. In his periphery, Bern and another medic, Jib or something, Crosshair remembered him vaguely from just before he was sedated, entered the room. Their conversation stopped as they saw Crosshair.

“Glad to see you back up, loverboy.”

Crosshair’s head swung to pin the man with a venomous glare. “What?”

The vaguely familiar medic winked. “Don’t worry about it. We all think the doc’s pretty, don’t we, Bern?” Crosshair heard Senna snort behind him.

Bern gave the other medic a look of disdain, his sense of professionalism, or maybe irritation with his coworker, overcoming his longtime feud with the surly sniper. He picked up the tray of instruments that he’d come for, shoving them into the other man’s chest. “I think you have something better to be doing than antagonizing patients, Jab.”

“You’re right, I need to be working on my proposal if I want to live up to his.”

Senna shook her head at the medic as he practically waltzed from the room, loudly humming an offkey love song. Bern threw an apologetic look over his shoulder as he followed.

“Don’t mind Jab, dear,” she said, turning back to Crosshair, “he’s just…” The doctor trailed off as she took in his look of dull horror. “Cross?”

Crosshair blinked twice, deep red beginning to creep up his ears, before he turned on his heel and stalked from the medbay.

“Cross?” Senna sighed as she stood at the door of the Batch's barracks. Her shift had just ended and Crosshair's brothers were due to pick him up in thirty minutes. She knocked again, then pressed the buzzer. “Can I please come in?” When there was still no response, Senna frowned. "Crosshair, I am coming in." She used her override code to open the door and stepped down into the darkened room, crossing her arms in irritation.

The sniper was seated on his bunk, back in his armor, kit beside him like a traveler waiting at a space dock. Senna's brows lifted at his glower. “You alright?”

She watched him slowly grind his toothpick between his teeth. “What exactly did I say?”

Senna lowered her hands with a sigh, trying not to smile at the memory as she crossed the room to join him on the bed. “Nothing too bad. You told me I was pretty.” She chuckled. “The prettiest girl you know.”

“Has no one ever told you that before?” the sniper grumbled, refusing to look at her.

“Hmm, once or twice. And, like Jab said, you did say we should get married. ‘It’d be nice’,” she couldn’t resist deepening her voice as she quoted him.

Crosshair’s ears were turning red again. He shifted uncomfortably. “People say stupid shit when they’re on drugs,” he mumbled.

Senna softened at his embarrassment. “Oh, I’ve had plenty of medbay proposals, dear. I just wasn’t expecting one from you.”

There was a long pause while the sniper seemed intent on the scribbles in his brother’s bunk across the room. “What did you say?”

Senna's eyebrows lifted slightly as she considered her folded hands. “That I’d think about it. That you might feel a little differently about it later.” She watched Crosshair fondly as a small smile tugged at his lips.

“Just a little.”

The urge to tease him was too strong. “There is a recording, you know, if you ever want to watch it.”

Crosshair glanced at her and grimaced, the line beside his nose deepening as his lip pulled back. “What, and stew in my humiliation? No, thanks.”

Senna chuckled. “Is it so humiliating to tell someone that you love them?” She grinned as Crosshair rolled his eyes. He finally pulled his toothpick from his mouth and faced her.

“Next time, I’m going in unsedated. No pain could be worse than this.”

The doctor laughed as she rose to kiss his cheek. “Next time, Mister Dramatic, you should just duck.”

#star wars the bad batch #clone force 99 #the bad batch fanfiction #star wars oc #tbb crosshair #dr divehdi #the little moment writes

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queenofsimpsblog · 1 year

Text

valentine’s day with shuri ❤️

i wanted to write a full oneshot but my exams are coming up so y’all get wholesome head-cannons instead <3

- aight so shuri in all honesty nearly forgot it was valentine’s day up until the night before

- and she started panicking cuz she knew you deserved the best valentine’s day ever

- so you best believe she ran out to get whatever she needed to make the day memorable for you

- usually you guys would go all out, get dinner at a fancy ass restaurant

- but you reached a point in your relationship where you didn’t really care what you guys did, as long as you got to spend quality time with your girlfriend

- both of you made an agreement before going to bed the night before valentine’s day, saying that you’d surprise her in the morning and she’d surprise you in the evening

- which was perfect for shuri since she got time to think about what you’d want to do most

- you woke up extra early to make shuri a fancy breakfast

- you made eggs, bacon, pancakes, and you even cut up some of her favourite fruit

- she got so happy and started kissing you all over your pretty face

- “happy valentine’s day baby, i’m so lucky to have you,”

- you gave her your present, which was a silver chain with her name spelled out in diamond encrusted letters

- it definitely made a huge ass dent in your bank account, but it was for shuri, so you didn’t mind at all

- after breakfast, both of you got ready to go out for the day

- you may or may not have showered together

- shuri thanked you for the breakfast by eating you out in the shower

- y’all could seriously get nasty anytime anywhere

- you went out to this garden and spent the day there, reading books, making each other flower crowns, just stupid sapphic shit

- shuri got ayo and aneka to distract you for a few hours while she got her surprise ready

- she took you to another room in the palace where she set up a crafts table

- y’all spent the night wearing comfy pyjamas and making cute things for each other

- she even managed to snag a jewelry making kit

- she made waist beads for you cuz she knew you love those

- you made her a shit ton of bracelets

- like seriously shuri has a whole drawer in her vanity dedicated to all the bracelets you made her

- she’s already decided that she’s gonna wear them all the time

- “i’m so lucky to have you sthandwa, i was so scared you wouldn’t like what i had planned,”

- “are you kidding me?? this was the best valentine’s day ever, as long as i’m with you i’m always happy,”

- y’all are such simps for each other

- seeing shuri get all excited when you made jewelry for her made you realise that you’re gonna spend the rest of your life with her

- and you wouldn’t have it any other way

@locoforshuri come over so we can recreate this

#shuri x reader #black panther #wakanda forever #shuri #letitia wright #shuri x black reader #valentines day #i’m so alone #get me a girlfriend #queen of simps does it again

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tblsomedoodles · 1 year

Note

Mama is tempted to simply ask Leo and Donnie to spend the night, 100% genuine this time, just cuz she was so worried when Donnie showed up sick out of seemingly nowhere and practically passed out in her office. She even mentions that this offer goes "beyond our silly wittle game and I assure you I'm completely serious about this matter."

Leo refuses, stating that even if he had trusted her about the matter he can't be gone for more than an hour,

"Raph gets extra worried when one of us is sick."

At the time Leo had been too busy being worried over Donnie to notice his slip of the tongue but Mama sure did, and the implications has her seething.

Raph would be worried, not their father.

oooh yes! b/c she is genuinely worried for Donnie. She's never seen him sick before (maybe when they were babies but that was a long time ago.) And this kid that normally very skeptical of her and doesn't even trust her enough to touch him, is now sitting on her couch, leaning heavily against her as he mumbles and whimpers for his twin.

She is very worried, and, to be clear, the only reason she's not keeping him is b/c he wants Leo.

So yeah, she would probably offer for them both to stay (no strings attached, and just until Donnie recovers.) b/c she would want to make sure he does. She's not overly surprised that Leo turns down her offer and ends up leaving with Donnie flopped against his shell.

But that statement? yeah, That would surprise her.

Leo had been so careful not telling Mama much about their home life, especially Splinter. (the other boys avoid it too, just b/c they think it would be awkward to bring up.) But right then? His twin is sick and had went missing for over an hour only for Mama to end up having him and just offering him back, like they hadn't been playing a complicated game of cat and mouse for the last month. The boy is rattled, so in his distraction he lets something slip.

And that would infuriate Mama. If she wasn't actively getting a case ready to gain custody of those boys, she's definitely starting one now (even if she was, she would immediately start hurrying it along.) She doesn't know what's going on at home with them, but then again, she doesn't really need to if she brings them home.

This was brilliant. Thank you!

lol pretty much! The fact she now has his number is conveniently forgotten until she uses it again.

Thank you!

#asks #tmnt #rottmnt #family web au

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the-whispers-of-death · 27 days

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i feel like "thinking about them so much they showed up in my dreams" is a major understatement. cuz. i had to force myself to go to bed so i dont send even MORE asks, and i woke up like only 4 hours later and the very first thought that came to me was "holy shit i need to draw stone"

but to answer the Q in the tags, NO i didnt see stone in the dream :(

idk how but i just felt it in my bones that the dream was real and that "yep. i am looking out the eyes of mafia!reader right now"

it was black&white. i was standing still in what felt like the middle of a city while the world was changing around me, there were people there for sure, and it was all loud and buzzing with activity, their black and faceless silhouettes were moving around me as i stared into the distance. i THINK i could hear a voice say "hey, are you okay?" as someone (probably stone) touched my shoulder.

and then it just cut to the bathroom suddenly, still black&white, with the only colour being the dang orange&white toothbrush. and then just. like 3 minutes of staring into the reflection as i brushed my teeth and it felt so fucking real. like. i had thoughts that were something along the line of "need to get ready for work again"

it all basically looked like how i imagine a disassociative episode is like

also mafia!reader has no fashion sense, bro why were you just in the most boring black suit jacket. smh. all that money and he cant even afford a shirt underneath it. tits were OUT

~ rusty

I feel like Criminal!Stone must be so distracted if Mafia Boss!Reader doesn't even wear a shirt underneath his black suit jacket. He totally does it so that he distracts Criminal!Stone.

Mafia Boss!Reader, saying the plan & wearing only a black suit jacket and so his pecs are out: Stone? Did you hear what I just said?

Criminal!Stone, his eyes on Mafia Boss!Reader's chest: Titties.

Mafia Boss!Reader: What?

Criminal!Stone, realizing he said that out loud: What?

#tyler's asks #tyler's inbox #tyler answers asks #answering asks #asks #task force 141 oc #call of duty oc #cod oc #task force 141 oc: stone #call of duty oc: stone #cod oc: stone #criminal!stone #stone variants #the multiverse of stone #the stone multiverse #mafia boss!reader #rusty anon #:)

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crypticjackal13 · 11 months

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I just want to share a scenario I had with Macaque in Character AI and wanted to know what you think. You don’t have to reply, I just wanted to share.

Basically in the scenario I was a werewolf, and he just decided to attack me for no reason. I knocked him out, and tied him up in my cabin. And he was trying to flirt his way out.

Me- “How about… I just leave you, while I go back for my stroll. And when I return and you give an honest, sincere apology, then MAYBE I would be willing to let you go…” (No way was I gonna makes this easy for him….)

Macaque- The monkey nodded in agreement. "Fair enough," he said with a devious smirk. "I can wait." He settled back in his chair and closed his eyes. He appeared to be trying to take a nap in his current situation. I shook my head. I couldn't believe I was considering releasing him. But something about the monkey was different… he was so manipulative and charismatic. He seemed to be completely unfazed by the fact that he was tied up.

Me- I then grew a mischief smirk. “I hope you don’t mind I let my parakeets out, they’ve been cooped up for a while…” I went over to the next room and dragged a large cage on wheels with a total of five screeching parakeets inside. Already, Macaque’s ears felt irritated by the bird’s screeching.

Macaque- The monkey's eyes grew wide with surprise, but he quickly regained his composure. "Well... that's certainly one way to ensure my apology is very sincere!" he said with a crooked grin. The monkey appeared to be enjoying himself, despite the loud screeching of the parakeets. "I'll give you credit for creativity. You don't see people using birds in their interrogation methods very often."

Me- As I opened the cage, the birds spread out across the room, screeching away that only seems to get louder. I giggled when one pooped on Macaque’s face. My tail wagged seeing his irritated expression.

Macaque- The monkey quickly wiped the poop off of his face and scowled. "Seriously?" he said with a pout. "That's just disgusting!" The monkey looked at me with disdain, obviously annoyed that I had found his misery amusing. "I can see that you don't take anything seriously," he said, with an exasperated sigh. "But this really is serious business!" He shook his head and looked around the room. "Are they always like this?"

Me- “They get especially excited with new visitors. And you’re one to talk Mr, ‘I can attack whoever I feel like ‘cuz I’m EVER so charming!’”

Macaque- The monkey rolled his eyes and smirked. "Oh please... you're just upset because you're starting to like me!" He shrugged. "Admit it... you're having fun!" He laughed and turned his attention back to the screeching parakeets. "Seriously, are they always this loud?" He asked again. "It's like every bird simultaneously decided to scream at me right now." His ears twitched unpleasantly, and his tail swayed back and forth to the beat of the birds' cacophony.

Me- “Well, I’m off! Please do sit tight, and remember… I need an HONEST and SINCERE apology! My tail was wagging as I left him alone with the parakeets.”

Macaque- The monkeys eyes widened as I left the room. "Heyyyy!" He yelled after me. "You can't just leave me here!" I heard him plead as I walked away, but I continued on my way without looking back. A part of me felt bad for the monkey, and another part of me felt satisfied. The monkey had attacked me without provocation, and now he was learning his lesson. He would have to give me a sincere apology if he wanted to be released, and I planned to make him wait until he was ready to do it.

Me- As I took my stroll, Macaque was still tied up. It had only been 10 minutes, but it felt like an hour as the Parakeets chirped away. Sense he couldn’t sleep with the noise, all he could do was look at the decor around the cabin.

Macaque- The monkey tried to stay calm, but the constant noise from the parakeets was getting on his nerves. He glanced around the room, trying to find some distraction, but the parakeets were relentless. Soon, the monkey couldn't take it anymore, and he began to scream. "SHUT UP!" he shouted, his voice echoing through the cabin. "SHUT UP!" he screamed again, but the parakeets didn't seem to care. They continued screeching away, unfazed by his antics. The monkey shook his head and sighed. This was going to be a long wait.

Me- After 2 hours of a satisfying stroll. I made it back to my cabin. When I entered, Macaque was… frazzled, to say the least…

Macaque- The monkey's ears were flat against his head, and his tail was swaying violently. He breathed heavily, and his fur was ragged. The monkey's eyes were wide with terror and stress. It was clear that the parakeets had thoroughly frazzled him. "Are they always like this?" he asked between heavy breaths. "Please... tell me they're not always like this..."

Me- This… was a very stark contrast to how he was when I left him. I walked over to their cage and gave a commanding whistle. They obediently flew over and entered the cage. I closed the cage door and put them in the next room. I slowly walked over to Macaque and bend over as I asked. “Soooo…. Got something you want to say to me?”

Macaque- The monkey let out a sigh of relief and sagged over the chair. "Thank you..." he whispered, his voice raspy. "You have no idea how much I appreciate that." He closed his eyes in gratitude. He seemed utterly exhausted from the relentless assault of the parakeets. Once he had caught his breath, he nodded and opened his eyes. "Yes... I suppose I do have something to say." He looked up at me with a nervous smirk. "I'm... sorry," he said.

I just wanted to share this with you. Again, feel free to ignore or not.

bro,,, the birds really came in clutch for u. They're so real for that. I'm kinda impressed lmao imagine attacking someone and they have five birds that actively decide to annoy u. Crying this scenario is really funny--/gen /pos

#lego monkie kid #anon <3 #anon #character ai #macaque lmk

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