#and a hysterectomy would just completely fucking end them

[notjustjavierpena]

Hey! I was- still am obsessed with Switch and tbh, I kinda began yearning for something a previous anon mentioned. What if reader ends up pregnant and both agree on an abortion? I know it's a sensitive topic and you don't have to write anything like it at all if it's a nono, but I wish Joel would have been with me when I went to the clinic. I really missed the comfort and reading something like that would kinda heal a big wound for me, I haven't seen auch a fic anywhere. Again, no pressure, I think anon had a good idea there.

A/N: I made this very short because I wanted to do it tastefully and without too many details. I debated whether to write it because this author (it’s me, i’m the author) got a full hysterectomy three months ago and I still feel a little puzzled by the whole hospital experience. Additionally, this is a continuation of Switch, but it won’t be a canon part of my DBF universe since my Joel would never continue the relationship with reader after this. It would be a deal-breaker.  Furthermore, I wasn't completely sure that this suited the mood of my blog :')

Tags: Angst, hospitals, implied abortion, dbf!joel 

Word count: 472

Dbf!Joel x f!reader

You wake up in a hospital bed with eyes so tired that they make your eyelids sting, nausea present in your empty stomach. It’s all a blur of white, painful and sterile, causing you to look around with slight confusion and panic. 

“You’re awake, let me get a nurse,” Joel’s voice makes you instantly cry from relief. He is just about to leave the tiny hospital room, but stops dead in his tracks as soon as he hears the same sniffles as he had on the phone not long ago when you had told him you were pregnant. 

Were pregnant.

He hates to be the one who makes you cry. 

Whipping around, he goes to stand by your bed. Instinctively, he reaches out to run a hand over your hair in the most parental of ways and it soothes you whilst you push away the thought of how twisted this is. 

“Shh,” he coos, using his knuckles to wipe away a tear that’s on its way down into your ear, “S’alright, baby girl. Everything went according to plan. Nothing to be scared of anymore.”

“I’m so sorry, Joel, I didn’t know who else to bring,” you sob, certain that the pain meds have upped your emotional reaction because your crying turns absolutely uncontrollable. 

Joel feels worse than after any gut punch. He leans down over you, but only slightly so as to make eye contact. His voice is firm but soft, “Listen. It’s okay. Alright? Breathe. You’ll be okay. What were you supposed to do? Go alone?”

You shake your head, fresh tears running down your cheeks so fast that Joel cannot catch them. You avoid his eyes.

“No no, look at me.”

You force yourself to stare up at him. 

“I’m sorry,” he tells you, and oh fuck, does he mean it, “This— this, us, can’t happen again. We don’t have to ever speak of it.”

That hurts you more than you thought it would, and you frantically shake your head, “No, no, Joel, no. I don’t want you to leave me hanging.” 

How do you tell him that he had made your loneliness a distant memory when you had been in his arms?

He says your name with a sigh, but you pull him down for a kiss suddenly. You hadn’t kissed during your meeting (You aren’t sure what else to call it) in your room. It takes Joel by surprise, even more when he finds himself kissing you back ever so softly. 

“No, we can’t,” he pushes gently at your chest to stop himself from feeling anything more, and you untangle yourself from him with disappointment. He swears under his breath, fist clenched by his side.

“But Jo–”

“Let me get that nurse.”

You stare down at your hands from where you are lying, not knowing where this’ll go.

#my writing #the last of us #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller fic #joel miller x you #joel miller x reader

[spaceumbredoggos]

I’m thinking of surprisingly making Kenz a parent to the next little umbredoggos. Ofc they’re forced into that role by the Axolotl. In a secret draft, they were intersex, but had a surgery at birth to appear more feminine (which included castration), and everything regenerated from regenerative umbredoggones. Instead, Kenz will donate their eggs to Bee before undergoing a hysterectomy due to a severe injury from a tree falling and lacerating a foreign body in that part of the body. Only three eggs were left intact and they were close to ovulating. Bee will act as a surrogate and Tex will fertilize. In the original secret draft, Ford didn’t know until after the pups were born. Might keep it that way, or make him directly involved. Kenz has gotten close to Ford and I picture them getting their first time parent jitters out on him. Kenz being a phenomenal parent and insisting on not making the same mistakes their father made, being open with their kids and teaching them how to feel emotions properly and being a wholesome dad jokes dad. Almost embarrassing in their teenage kids’ eyes, but they really appreciate having such a great dad. (Vortex also acts as their dad. They get used to having a gender neutral parent that acts in the dad role.)

The whole fire and blood thing is foreshadowing. There will be a huge conflict between Kenz and Hailey. Hailey will escape prison somehow. The IMP would likely be hired by Kenz’s father who is now in hell, is part of the Vee’s but not necessarily as terrible (more so morally grey), and goes by Vixtor (he and his kid still don’t see eye to eye, and he still doesn’t think that he abused them. But he never wanted them to actually be in peril. Original drafts painted him as a cold hearted murderer who wanted to drown Kenz as soon as they were born, but I scrapped that. I felt like making him more morally grey and kinda a jerk, but deep down, he still loves Kenz. He just doesn’t understand. Kenz has every right to be angry as fuck and to go completely no contact. He only attacked Kenz because he was drunk and angry. And he saw Verosika eyeing Kenz suspiciously. I think when Kenz becomes a parent, he gets proud of them and ultimately respects them, but still doesn’t believe he did anything wrong to them.)

On the topic of Kenz’s dad, he is extremely jealous of Ford from Hell. He doesn’t understand why Kenz is bonding with him, and he doesn’t understand why he’s “enabling” Kenz’s behavior (in reality, he’s helping them navigate the world without changing who they are.) Jacob was taught that neurodivergence was bad from generational trauma. He was taught that he must live through his kids, and that stardom was the only way at life. My original design for his overlord form was a “wolf in sheep’s clothing/trojan horse.” But I’ll scrap it in favor of a design that looks like Blackstar (from warrior cats) fused with Lucario. Jacob/Vixtor controls the sporting entertainment in hell, something he wanted to aspire to when he was alive. He does have controlling powers, but they’re the weakest of the Vee’s, as he relies more on brute strength. I don’t see him seeking redemption in the Hazbin hotel as he’ll never see what he did was wrong. He’s arrogant and prideful. He’s the first one of his immediate family to end up in hell. (Hailey will end up in hell and will be a more prominent vengeful sinner whose soul is owned by Bill threat. She will cause the Vee’s downfall and will take Alastor’s place as Vox’s rival. She will take the more wolf in sheep’s clothing design.)

I’m not gonna reveal any other “leaks” because I’m tired.

#gravity falls #bill cipher #self insert #so much for stardust

[mychemicalmenopause]

Dr. Schneider

I can’t believe I haven’t written about this yet, but I met with Dr. Schneider last week, on October 11th, and it went wonderfully. The office was familiar since Dr. Schortz worked there previously, and that may have helped with the initial anxiety I typically feel when I’m seeing a new doctor. The receptionists were friendly, the wait was short, and the triage nurse was fantastic. She was close to my age and was upbeat, very comfortable to be around. She got my history without any judgement or need for further explanation, and didn’t ask me to take off my clothes - which was refreshing. 

Dr. Schneider came in just a couple minutes later and was easy to talk to. He told me he read my chart the night before and that morning and was familiar with Dr. Schortz’s plan, but wanted an update from me. I told him what was going on, that I was at the end of my rope with PMDD and Endo and I wanted to work toward a full hysterectomy and oophorectomy. He got some history and to my surprise was the first OBGYN who has EVER asked me if I’ve been raped. I haven’t, but just the fact that he wanted to make sure that wasn’t the reason for some of my pelvic pain was pretty fucking cool. 

We talked about Chemical Menopause and how I understood that it was basically a “try it before you buy it” kind of test to make sure I would do well with having my ovaries taken out and being on hormonal add-back. He agreed and asked if I had heard of Myfembree before (I had not). Apparently, it just recently received an FDA approval to treat heavy periods caused by endometriosis, but it works the same way other Chemical Menopause meds work - it shuts down the ovaries, but it also adds back the hormones all in one pill. It also has significantly less side effects than Lupron and is super cheap! 

I told Dr. Schneider that my insurance wouldn’t approve Lupron when I was with Dr. Williams because my endometriosis had not been officially diagnosed. He said he was confident that he could word it well for insurance, and don’t you know, he did! The script was called in and his notes were complete in MyChart within minutes, before I even got home. I called the pharmacy on Thursday just checking in and they said they had received an initial rejection from my insurance but to call again on Monday (today). Before I could call them, I got a text with a link to confirm my address. No co-pay and it’s on it’s way to me. I haven’t started my period yet, but I can start the meds 2 days after I do, which will be this week. I’m a little nervous to start it during Halloween when all I want to do is celebrate 5 years in business, but if I don’t I’d have to wait another month and I don’t want to do that either. 

Anyway, I’m super happy with Dr. Schneider and have felt so much relief after seeing him. I’m excited, nervous, and scared as fuck to start the meds, but I’m glad there just might be some light at the end of this tunnel. 

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #073

If the last female you talked to told you that she was pregnant, what would you say to her? My mom had a complete hysterectomy so that's literally impossible. If the last male you talked to told you that he was going to be a father, what would you say to him? Well I'm sure as hell not pregnant so that means he cheated, in which case I'd break up with him in a heartbeat. Have you ever had too much to drink and felt embarrassed about your behavior the next day? No, not really. The last time you were in a car, who was driving? My mom. What’s the shortest song you have on your iPod? It's probably some Silent Hill track, or a Shadow of the Colossus one.

How did you meet the last person that messaged you on Facebook? Back in the old YouTube days where it had more social aspects. Have you ever had a friend whose parents you didn’t like? Yep. If you were told that you were going to spend the rest of your life with the last person you kissed, would that make you happy? I'd be fucking ecstatic, honestly. Have you ever had carpal tunnel? Oh, I definitely have something. It oddly doesn't really manifest when typing, though; instead, I absolutely cannot physically write for very long. What browser do you use? Chrome. How much was your allowance when you were a kid? I didn't get one. Do you often find yourself eating just because you're bored? Not so much anymore, but I do occasionally struggle with that. Have you ever sent an anon hate message, be honest now. Nope. That is, first of all, unnecessary and rude, and secondly, it's also cowardly. Biggest fear, pick ONE. Ending up living alone in the streets. I worry a lot it'll happen after Mom dies. What's the grossest thing that dogs do? Ugh the fact some have a thing for eating cat shit. I CANNOT handle that. If you’re a girl, what’s your favorite color of eyeliner? Oh wow, I had no idea eyeliner was exclusive to females. But whatever, I only ever wear black. Do you ever eat leftover pizza cold? Yep. Which cartoon character would you want to keep as a pet? Hmmm... first off, definitely a Pokemon, but it's super hard to pick exactly what! I think I'd go with Vaporeon because I LOVE to Eeveelutions and it'd be useful to have one that had water-oriented powers, too. What is your favorite flavor of candy cane? I really like those Starburst ones. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen in a grocery store? YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO once upon a time I found basically fursuit heads in one of those big baskets in Wal-Mart and I lost it. 😭 Have you ever met any bands/band members before? NO but I absolutely wanna go to a Rammstein meet and greet at some point. What’s your favorite superhero movie? Logan really sticks with me. That was one that made me cry. Do you struggle with acne? Nah, my acne problems chilled out a lot when I was like... 19? Around there? What was the last song you downloaded onto your computer? Oh god idk, I did a MASSIVE downloading sesh a couple days ago for my iPod. What color are your headphones, if you have any? My current earbuds are blue. I FLY through earbuds, one side always stops working. Where do you normally get your hair cut? I see a family friend and have since like... middle school? Maybe even before then. Will you go to your high school reunion? Nooooope. Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? I HAVE one on my collarbone, so. I want to get it covered with something new, so I'll obviously do it again. Have you ever kissed anybody who had a mustache? Yep. Have you ever cussed someone out? I can't remember if I actually cursed, but I can tell you I told OFF my sister's abusive then-boyfriend. Fucking coward just stared at me like he was wondering what the hell he did. He was a fucking manipulative narcissist. How would you feel if a significant other asked you to make your relationship "open" as in, see other people but still stay together? What would you tell them? Quite honestly, I would immediately break up with them. That to me is a clear sign that I'm not enough for them. I hold no moral distaste for polygamy for others, but it is NOT for me, and my partner being interested in it is no okay to me. When you were younger, did you mother or father ever let you open a few presents before Christmas or your birthday even arrived? As kids it was a tradition to let us open one, "minor" gift on Christmas Eve. How many break ups have you had to go through? How many of those break ups were with the same person? I've only had one breakup that REALLY felt like a "breakup." Do you plan on traveling a lot in your lifetime? What about moving around a lot? Will this be from state to state, country to country, or what? Traveling, god, I HOPE so. I don't want to move around a lot, though. How old where you when you had your first pet? What kind of animal was it? What was its name? My first PERSONAL pet was honestly too young; I can't remember if it was my guinea pig Squeak or Chinese water dragon Shadow, but I was certainly too young to properly care for either. It still amazes me that Shadow lived his/her full life expectancy, they were stunted in growth and I'm certain the humidity wasn't as sustained as it was meant to be. When taking a survey, do you typically read the person’s answers before typing in your own? Or do you just erase them without reading them? I always read my friends' answers. Do you like “just girly things” on Pinterest? Lol no, I literally use Pinterest for fandom pictures. 😭 How many different natural hair colors are there in your immediate family? Mostly brown, but also black. What is your favorite online game? World of Warcraft. Are there any Asians in your family? No. Do you take birth control pills? Yes. My periods are unbearable otherwise. What’s your favorite frosting flavor? Chocolate, I guess? Have you ever called a suicide hotline? Yes, but they were busy at that time so I didn't get to actually talk to anyone. Do you enjoy writing in cursive? I write mostly in cursive, yes. What would be the icing on the cake for you this Christmas? It'd be nice to spend some time with Girt actually on Christmas. If you had the opportunity to live forever, would you take it? Nope. Did you ever really believe in Santa Claus? Yeah. Do you like quesadillas? Yeah, generally. Whose butt did you last slap? lul I'm pretty positive that was Chelsea, yearssss ago. We used to be real close and she lived with Colleen when I saw her a lot and our friendship was founded on being playfully sexual around each other haha. I eventually got closer to her (and still am today) than Colleen. Have you ever been on a mechanical bull? No. Do you enjoy riding around town looking at Christmas lights? God, I used to love that. I still would, but. Gas ain't cheap. What’s a good book you’d recommend? ESPECIALLY in today's age, I cannot recommend The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood any more than I already do, particularly for those with uteruses. Margaret is SO vividly descriptive and creative in her writing so it's just fun to read, and let's not fucking forget the moral behind it. Have you gone out with someone, then ruined the friendship you had before? I want to say yes, but like... Jason and I weren't "just friends" for very long at all. Like, MAYBE two weeks. It was very, very obvious what was going to happen/where we were going. There was nothing to really go back to, because we STARTED OUT very clearly into each other. Did you sleep alone last night? My cat always sleeps with me. <3 Do you hate when people try to play with your hair? If you're not my boyfriend, I'd feel kinda weird. Last song you heard? "Demons Are A Girl's Best Friend" by Powerwolf is on rn. Other than yours, whose house did you last fall asleep at? My sister's. What is your favourite flavour of Skittles? Red, definitely. Have you ever met a famous political figure? Nope. Who taught you how to ride a bike? My dad. Have you ever lost someone to reckless/drunk driving? I am VERY grateful that I have not. Have you ever fed a wild animal? Yeah; ducks and geese at a local pond, and I used to like making bird feeders out of pinecones and peanut butter and stuff. Have you ever faked sick? Yup. I sure hated school. Do you like cinnamon on your apple pie? I don't like apple pie. Do you clap or cheer when at a concert? I'm sure I did both at the only one I've been to. Do you use a comb or brush? I just use a comb. Have you ever been called a coward? What for? Yup. The one time I remember was when Sara created a new deviantART account solely to tell me off and then immediately deleted the account. Apparently THAT isn't cowardly. Do you eat the crust of your sandwiches? Yeah, I've never understood the considerable percentage of people who don't like bread crust. I mean it's my least favorite part (I eat off the crust first to get it outta the way), but it's still perfectly fine. Have you ever had a vacation where you stayed in a cabin? No, but I really would like to do that one day. What flavour cake you you like most? I really enjoy chocolate lava cake as well as red velvet. Depends on what I'm feelin' at that moment. Are you self-conscious about wearing "short shorts" in the summer? Even when I had a fit body, I wasn't comfortable doing that. Do you see a lot of stray animals around your home? No, but it's funny I get this question now when Girt noticed a stray cat outside our door a couple days back. We don't see that a lot. When you’re being grounded, what is usually taken away from you? It was always computer privileges. What is your most commonly used nickname for your best friend? Well, technically "Girt." Everyone else in his life either calls him Donald or Junior. How tall is the last person you kissed? Exactly 6'. Do you enjoy dried fruit? NO. Aside from your own, whose house did you last set foot into? My boyfriend's. Who in your house smokes? Nobody. Who wears glasses in your house? Are they near-sighted or far-sighted? I always do; I'm near-sighted. My mom has reading glasses and is far-sighted. What kind of hot beverage do you drink the most? Hot chocolate. What kind of plants do you have in your house? How often are they watered? Mom actually has some succulents in this spare room by the window. That's all I know. Who in your family has the longest hair? How long is yours? My younger sister Nicole; she has a mane, ha ha. Mine is like, boy-short; it doesn't even touch the back of my neck since I got it trimmed. The last time you went out, what shoes did you wear? Flipflops... like always. What books (if any) have you read more than once? Meerkat Manor: Flower of the Kalahari (BUT I skipped Tim's outrageously long tangents that had nothing to do with the meerkats in later reads) and Because of Winn-Dixie. There MAY be others, but it's quite unlikely; I've never been much of a re-reader except as a little kid with children's books, obvs. What professional teams do you and/or your family root for? My dad is into the Carolina Hurricanes, Carolina Panthers, and Cleveland Browns. Ryder likes the last two too because of Grampa, ha ha. Maybe Nick likes them too, idr. How many pillows are on the bed you sleep in? I have two on my side and I keep Girt's two there too. Do you know any TV shows’ theme songs by heart? Which ones? Ha ha quite a lot honestly when you consider how little I watch TV, like That '70s Show, The Golden Girls, Supernatural (I loved "Carry On My Wayward Son" way before the show), OBVIOUSLY shit like Spongebob ha ha, and I KNOW there are more, but I'm blanking. What is a fashion trend (new or old) that you absolutely hate? Crocs. They're just ugly. What is the oldest gaming system you’ve ever played? An Atari, actually. We might still have that thing somewhere...

#survey #surveys #random questions #random surveys

[xoxo-bunnydumpling]

There were four pregnancy tests hidden in my bathroom for two days. My husband had picked them up on a very weird midnight trip to Walgreens for cereal and didn't tell me. He didn't want to upset me, we hadn't been talking about babies. Not after what happened. He tells me today, after it's done, that he'd never tell a lady her business but it seemed a vital purchase. Seemed like the right time.

But it came to be that I skipped right over my period last month, and was "late" this month too and while it's not unheard of for a person to skip and not be pregnant...look, I'm not an idiot, I was just scared. Avoidant. It hurt so bad last time and I didn't even know until it was ending.

He's sitting in the dry bathtub fully clothed, curtain drawn, giving me as much privacy as he can when I insist he be in the room for this. I try to pee on the first stick, and my hands are shaking so hard I drop it before I can even get a stream going.

"Fuck."

"Are you okay?"

"Dropped it, Jesus H."

He hums. "Are you breathing?"

I start to. I count them. Go for a second test...and drop it in too.

"Whaaaat theeee fuuuuuuck?" I could cry now. My heart is beating so fast. I can't do this. Maybe I don't need to know. "I can't. I can't do it."

I am crying now, on the toilet, leggings pooled at my feet. It would be funny if it wasn't so pathetic. He throws the curtain open and looks so concerned, it makes me cry more. I love him more than I could ever say and I don't want to disappoint him. I don't want my body to betray him again, betray us.

He climbs out of the tub and onto his knees, reaching for a test and waving it around, talking with his hands like he does. "Okay, hear me out...this may be unorthodox but what if I hold it?"

"What if I pee on you?!"

"Is that a threat?" He raises his eyebrow and his smile goes crooked. "Baby, let me help you, please."

He closes his eyes for my benefit, and his hands don't shake...not the one holding the test, and not the one holding mine. If there was ever a more solid dude on earth, I don't need to know about him. I really hope I don't pee on his hand.

I tap his shoulder lightly.

"Done."

"Okay."

"Did I get you?"

"Somehow no. Good aim, Tex." He caps the test and lays it on the counter, and sits with his back against the tub, eyes closed again. "Come here when you're done. Don't you dare watch that test without me."

I'm in a dream swimming and I don't know how I remember to wipe and pull my pants up but I do. I take a seat between his legs and lean against him and let him wrap his arms around me...completely, gently, he's already trying to not squeeze my stomach. He has so much faith in this and when I look up into his face I see he's already decided he is going to protect this as long as he can. As long as it's there.

The timer on his phone makes us both jump, which also makes us laugh. I'm not ready so I bury my face in his chest and breathe him in. "I can't look."

He brushes my hair off my face, and cradles me like the baby we're waiting for. "Honey, whatever happens..." He can't even finish it. To suggest any other outcome would be a curse.

It has seemed, since I decided to get the hysterectomy that a clock has been ticking and that I've been watching the sun set on the possibility of having a child with my husband. Having asked my doctor if a pregnancy would be dangerous and having him say no...we didn't prevent it. We've gone on with business as usual, but the ticking has been so loud. Ever present. A little maddening. I don't know if I can take any more of it.

"Sweetheart, come with me. We'll look together. We'll be fine, I promise."

We get up, count to three. There are no blue lines to decipher, just the word "pregnant". Bless him for choosing digital readout tests, I couldn't do the mental math of pluses and minuses.

"Holyyyy shit." He's stunned, but smiling. It doesn't seem like he's going to say anything else. I can't even say that much, all I can do is cry. "Hey, you're okay. It's okay. I got you."

We stand like that for a long time. I'm folded into him while he rubs my back, and he doesn't shush me...doesn't try to stop my tears. It feels like such a long time we've waited for this and I have so many of them stored up. When I can speak, I tell him I love him, that he's going to be such a great papa...and then, he cries too.

"I'll need to get an appointment with my doctor..." He picks me up, and we're off like a shot down the hall. "Now?"

"Yes, they're open, why not?"

So I wait, fussing with a cotton ball and piece of tape stuck over where they drew my blood, for my doctor to tell me my hCG levels are not what they should be. Too low for when your last period was, just barely there, I'm so sorry. But he doesn't. He just lets Eli book an ultrasound for me because I can't speak again. Tells him, "we'll keep a close eye on it, do another blood draw in three days, but it looks good so far. Congratulations, guys...don't forget to cancel that surgery."

This makes Eli giggle. He's never been happy in here, ever...but today he's bursting with joy. "Probably a good idea."

When we get home we sit in the car and call Moses, who comes very quickly and races from his car to Eli's and immediately pulls my door open.

"What happened, you sounded so strange, why are you crying? Are you okay? Teddy, what happened...what the hell are you smiling for, weirdo?"

When we tell him, he immediately lays a hand on my belly, frantic. "Bunny...what?! A baby?! Fuuuuck, I love you so much. My god this kid's going to be so beautiful. I just can't...GET OUT OF THE CAR PLEASE SO I CAN HOLD YOU."

Over a dinner of just whatever is currently in the fridge we discuss if this is weird or not. Moses, at some point, timidly asks if we would like for him to be involved or if our time together has to draw to a close...and ends up crying when we tell him he's not allowed to go anywhere now.

"Was I ever?" He asks, while wiping his eyes on the sleeve of another very loud tunic.

Eli smiles at him, softly, fondly. "No fucking way. I'm keeping you both forever."

#hot librarian chronicles #husband material #pregnancy #time to have babies now #marriage #poly nonsense #family #we're having a baby yo

[angryschnauzer]

I had my hospital gynae/obgyn appointment today with the people that ‘decide’ if i can get a hysterectomy.

I was so anxious before it, i felt nauseous from the second i woke up, stomach pains, the whole nine yards. I managed to get lost in the hospital because there is building renovations going on and they had taken some signs down, so i ended up in completely the wrong end of the hospital, but anyway, get there in time to the right ward. Only to discover its the same ward that expectant mothers go to and have their antenatal appointments. This really threw me because ya know, i’m there because my uterus has stopped working, and there’s all these women around me with varying sizes of baby bumps.  The doctor was running 45 mins late, so i got to spend that long being surrounded by happy women excited to see their babies, when my body can’t have any more. Bit of a kick in the teeth.

So i get called in and just break down. I have to go through all my issues again, even though its literally written down in front of him. I swear they make you do this so that you either say the wrong thing or miss something out. Anyway i explained everything. He immediately suggests having The Coil (IUD) which i flat out refuse. He explains that it doesn’t hurt that bad. DUDE, when you have one in your uterus, you can say it doesn’t hurt that bad. Every time he suggests it i say no. Then he says there’s some sort of treatment where the lining of my womb can get lasered off so i don’t get periods. Again the phrase ‘its not that painful’. DUDE. LASERS. UTERUS. Flat out no. I keep insisting that none of these are what i want, and its just masking the problem, not fixing it. I have a child. I carry the gene for Type 1 Diabetes so any other children would be at risk of developing that. Every single period is like having a miscarriage each month, and brings back painful memories every single month of when i DID have a miscarriage. I. Want. A. Hysterectomy.

Well, its a long wait he says. 4 to 6 years on the NHS. I told him i don’t care, if needs be i’ll go private and self fund it.

*record scratch*

It was like i had fucking flipped a switch. He immediately dropped any suggestions of ‘treatments’ and started writing the referral to the Private Health consultant. Like, literally, i could have gotten whiplash his demeanour changed so quickly.

So that’s where we are. I’m now waiting for the consultant to get in touch so i can discuss with them funding options and payment plans etc. The ‘good’ news is that its ‘only’ £7000, not the £14000 i was originally told, but i still now have to find £7k, which i have no idea how i’m going to do that, but even if it means i get into massive credit card debt i don’t care, i’m yeeting this uterus.

#hysterectomy #yeet this uterus #uterus #nhs bullshit

[soundsof71]

FIVE ALBUMS YOU NEED IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW!!!

aka, My Top 5 of 2020, but I didn’t want to seem too retro!

Yep, I have a classic rock blog. Yep, I think that the best rock and roll in history is being made RIGHT NOW. And yep, ALL of it is being made by women. 

(Shown at top, Nova Twins by Ant Adams [x] and The Tissues by Michael Espleta [x]. I was planning to make a collage of all my faves in concert, but  not all of them were able to play in 2020. Both of these photos are pre-pandemic.)

There’s been quite a bit of movement on this list, and all five of these have spent some time at Number 1 as the year has done (gestures broadly) All This™. Anyone looking for rock and roll is going to dig any of these. 

Rocking out is just the start of it, though. Wrestling with my bipolarity and schizophrenia is tough on a good day, and there haven’t been too many of those lately. The plague has also taken its toll around me, with two family members dead and a third who’s doing better, but will likely never be all the way back. (Mask up, kids!)

I’ve written plenty about how deeply Taylor Swift and Phoebe Bridgers have moved me this year (and will do so again), but in those rare stretches where I’ve had enough spare energy to listen to music at all these days, I’ve mostly been looking for more than beautiful music. Heavy times need heavy lifting, and I find that in heavy music. 

The five albums here have all helped carry me, pointing the way toward light.

1) BULLY, SUGAREGG

Alicia Bognanno is a force of nature as a guitarist, vocalist, composer, and producer/engineer. (While working on her degree in audio engineering at MTSU, she interned with Steve Albini, who remains both a fan and an admirer). A Nashville transplant from Minnesota, she’s still a natural fit in her home on Sub Pop: as heavy as Soundgarden, as hooky as Sleater-Kinney. 

I was blown away hearing her searing honesty while working through her discoveries of her bisexuality and bipolarity (double bi!), and her triumphant roar lifts me out of my seat every time I listen.

“She sings the hell out of [these songs], her voice fraying to the point of combustion every time she launches to the top of her range. This is phenomenal music for converting anger and anxiety into unbound joy.” ~Stereogum, Album of the Week

Also, check this fantastic interview with Alicia in the New York Times talking about what she’s gone through to get here. 

TURN IT UP!

2) GANSER, LOOK AT THAT SKY

Ganser syndrome is a rare dissociative disorder characterized by nonsensical or wrong answers to questions and other dissociative symptoms such as fugue, amnesia or conversion disorder, often with visual pseudohallucinations and a decreased state of consciousness. ~Wikipedia #it me

‘Just Look At That Sky’ doesn’t presume to offer solutions; it’s an honest document of what it feels like to wade through anxiety, day by day, not a survival guide or handbook of answers none of us actually have. Whether or not you pay attention to this, Ganser are simply one of the most invigorating, exciting new bands. ~Clashmusic

I saw one very positive review compare Ganser to a cross between Fugazi and Sonic Youth, but I think they hit much, much harder than either of those. And as you can surely guess, I also deeply relate to their themes of mental illness and dissociation while trying to make it through All This™. But my god, are they TIGHT. This is a BAND.

Ganser has two fantastic lead vocalists, and on “Bad Form”, bassist/vocalist Alicia Gaines wrote the song for the voice of keyboardist/vocalist Nadia Garofolo. Alicia also wrote a FANTASTIC essay on the strains that making an album during a pandemic puts on the mental health of the entire band at talkhouse: “Writing, recording, reaching out, balancing relationships outside and within the band, I found (and still find) myself under-rested and agitated to no particular end. More than not doing enough, I was not enough.” 

(If you can’t relate to that, I can’t relate to you, tbh.)

This video also does a fantastic job of showing dissociation. TURN IT UP!

3) THE TISSUES, BLUE FILM

“Blue Film” is a ten-song shot of dagger-twisting electro-(s)punk. It’s completely addictive from the very first listen. The tour de force is “Rear Window”, an art-punk masterpiece of slashing guitars and mad caterwauling. Copious doses of jaunty poetics and social commentary reward the earlooker patient enough to untangle Kristine Nevrose’s hysterical meowing about intergalactic salt shakers and hysterectomies, but I’m too emotionally invested to look under the hood.” ~ Sputnik Music

“Rear Window” is in fact my most-played 2020 track. TURN IT UP!

4) GUM COUNTRY, SOMEWHERE

It’s not all heavy! But even when I’m looking for something light and hooky, I need a bite, and Gum Country has done it with the kind of swirly, feeedback-laden wall of sound that Lush or Yo La Tengo would make if they lived in LA. (Recent transplants to SoCal from Vancouver, I do think that the sunshine has gone straight to their heads, in the very best way.)

Indie music nerds will know guitarist/composer/singer/front woman Courtney Garvin from The Courtneys, and she really does throw up a glorious wall of sound. I adore this video too! Sweet, swinging, fun -- and yes, the drummer is playing keyboard with one hand while slapping the skins with the other! 

I mentioned earlier that all five of these albums have spent part of the year at #1 on my list -- I think that this one might have spent the longest stretch there. Like all shoegaze, even as hooky as this, the truth of these songs is revealed in VOLUME. TURN IT UP!

5) NOVA TWINS, WHO ARE THE GIRLS?

Now, THIS is heavy! Amy Lee (vocals, guitar) and Georgia South (bass) are fucking LOUD, and insanely intense. A mix of grime, hip-hop, metal, punk, and good old rock and roll, they’re a harder-hitting, more theatrical Prodigy, with a pyre of intensity that recalls the heaviest howls of Rage Against The Machine. Indeed, Nova Twins spent a good bit of 2019 playing heavy metal festivals and toured as openers for Prophets of Rage. (Tom Morello has been a fan and supporter from the beginning.)

As you may have noted in the photo at the top of this post, their musical audacity extends to visuals too: they design their own clothes, hair, and makeup, they art direct their own videos, and more. They impress the hell out of me, and I’ve been a huge fan since hearing their first singles in 2018. I’ll plant a flag and say that Georgia South in particular is the most innovative musician on any instrument in any genre right now, but they’re both absolutely monsters. 

I’m honestly not at all sure that #5 is high enough for this, but I’m absolutely certain that after this video, you’re gonna need to rest for a little. LOL

“Taxi” is the story of two gleefully and creatively violent women shaking up the local crime syndicate as they use a vintage cab for their moving murder scene. This is the movie that Robert Rodriguez wishes he was making with Sin City, if it were combined with Blade Runner and The Matrix. And gangsters. And a snake.

I’m gonna take your crown I’m gonna, I’m gonna bleed you out We demand it by the hour We devour, control, power

I’m gonna burn it down Even the, even the royals bow

So not the same kind of therapeutic work being explored on this rekkid, but you know what? Fucking shit up is therapeutic too! 

Definitely take this full screen, and for the love of fuck, TURN IT UP!

SO. Not done with the best of 2020 yet? I’m sure not! A lot of my favorite songs aren’t on albums (at least not yet), so for an unedited list of everything I’m finding, check out my Spotify list, 2020: Shuffle This List! 268 songs and counting, over 15 hours, and not finished yet. I’m still checking out everyone else’s Best of lists (including yours! Message me links to yours!!!), so will probably be adding to this for most of 2021, too. 

And for more banging tracks by women from 2020, plus a few 2019 gems that I’m still grooving to, check out my more thoroughly curated Spotify playlist Women Bangers: A Tumblr New Classics Jam. (You’ll see a couple of these tracks there!) I’m working on a YouTube playlist and an essay to properly roll that one out. I’m also still tweaking the ending, but the three dozen or so tunes there are definitely bangin’.

Tell me if you hear anything you dig here, and tell me what YOU’VE found! We’re gonna get through this together.

Yr pal, Timmy

#me #new classics #classic rock #women in rock #best of 2020 #bully #ganser #the tissues #gum country #nova twins #essay #youtube #punk rock #punk

[kayluh1915]

Little Reina

Words: 1080

Paring(s): Javiar Peña/Original Female Character

Warnings: Mentions of blood and medical tools.

Javier tends to his newborn daughter.

Welp, this is it, folks.

My Mandalorian hyperfixation turned to Pedro Pascal turned to Javier Peña. However I got here, I'm here and I'm in deep so expect nothing but Pedro trash from me. I don't do reader inserts, however. Neither the fictional characters nor the IRL actor would touch my fat, pale, hick ass with a 9ft pole and I feel very uncomfortable imagining all of this grossness with someone as hot as Pedro Pascal *cringe*. So, they'll all most likely be original characters.

This fic is completely self-indulgent and isn't edited at all. It's literally just a very short first draft of Javi being soft with his wife (yes, wife) and his newborn daughter. I personally don't want children, but the idea of Javi holding such a tiny and delicate thing in those fucking strong arms just MELTS me. It's probably my cursed biology yelling at me to procreate, but fuck that noise.

Read on AO3

My Masterlist

It was 6:47 am. The sun had yet to rise over the Texas horizon, but the songbirds outside had already begun their day, singing their repetitive songs as the streetlights still cut through the curtains and doused the carpet with a warm, orange glow.

Javier usually slept well during calm mornings like these, but today was different. He wasn’t sure if it was because it was their first night at home with their new daughter or if it was because he didn’t want to take his eyes off of his wife, or both.

Their daughter, Isabelle, had only been alive for five days and that was enough for Javier to be completely enamored with her. The moment the nurse had placed the 7lb bundle into his arms was a moment he’d never forget, the sudden overwhelming weight of love crashing on top of him like a pile of bricks.

It was a moment that he wished his wife could’ve seen.

From the time her water had broken to the time of birth, Javier had been right beside her. He rubbed her back when the contractions were too much to bear, nearly let her break his hand, fed her ice chips when she couldn’t have food, played with her hair to help distract her, and even sang to her despite him swearing that he couldn’t.

Soon after their daughter had been born, Rosalyn seemed disoriented and her skin was sickly pale. The doctor began shouting orders to his staff, tools being brought out that was way too sharp for Javier’s liking. Before he could even process everything and ask what the fuck was going on, he was pushed out of the delivery room and left alone in the hall outside with a nurse.

He explained to him that the placenta had detached during delivery and that she had lost a lot of blood causing her to go into shock. Javier felt as if he’d gone into shock as well, the fear of losing his wife shaking him to his core.

The only thing that helped to calm him down was holding their daughter and feeding her some formula. As she greedily ate in his arms like someone else he knew, the only thing that he had in his mind was to be strong. If not for himself, then for his daughter.

The doctor had a hard time getting the bleeding under control, trying every way he could to avoid the most extreme option. In the end, however, he had to do it in order to save her life.

He had to perform an emergency hysterectomy.

The news was a major blow to both Javier and Rosalyn and it was difficult for them to come to terms with her not being able to have more kids, but in end, they were just happy that she was alive and that their little Isabelle was healthy.

Soft cries began to echo from the baby monitor, Javier quickly jumping from the sheets and rushing to the nursery. Even though he couldn’t sleep didn’t mean that his recovering wife shouldn’t.

“Good morning, my little Reina.” He babied as he gently lifted the fussy newborn into his arms. As soon as he laid her on his bare chest, she calmed down, gently cooing and moving her little fists around.

He changed her diaper and heated up a bottle, sitting down in the rocking chair Rosalyn had insisted on buying. Looking back, he was thankful that she did. She had only been home for a day and it was already paying off, Isabelle falling asleep much faster than she did while they were at the hospital.

Once she had finished eating, Javier threw a towel over his shoulder and burped her. After that, he just held her in his arms and rocked her back to sleep. He probably should’ve put her back in her crib, but he just didn’t have the heart to. He took his knuckle and gently caressed her head and soft cheek. She cutely smacked her lips in her sleep, burying her face deeper into her father’s warm chest.

Suddenly, a creak in the floorboards snapped him back to reality, looking towards the open door to see Rosalyn leaning up against the door frame and watching the moment in front of her.

“What are you doing up?” He whispered.

“I heard you talking to her over the monitor.” Javier gently rose from the chair, trying to not wake their daughter as he walked over to his wife and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

“You should be resting.”

“So should you. I can tell you haven’t slept, Javi.” Javier looked back down to his daughter, lightly bouncing her.

“I’ll be fine.” Rosalyn reached out and gently cupped Javier’s cheek.

“If you won’t sleep, will you at least lay with me? I get so cold without you.” Javier smiled and nodded, taking Rosalyn’s wrist into his hand and pressing a gentle kiss to it.

“Of course I will, amor. Just let me put Isabelle down and I’ll be there.” Rosalyn raised to the tips of her toes to give Javier a kiss, then running her small hand through the tuft of dark hair on their daughter’s head and giving her a kiss as well.

“How did two fucked up people make something so adorable?” Javier snorted, disturbing Isabelle but only for a moment.

“Your guess is as good as mine, now go. I’ll be there in a minute.” Rosalyn slowly made her way back to their bedroom while Javier placed the baby back in her crib with one more kiss on her head.

“Sleep well, Reina.”

Rosalyn was bundled up under their comforter, making grabby hands for Javier as soon as he walked through the door.

“So needy.” He chided as he climbed into bed next to her and pulled her close.

“I can’t help it. I’m so fucking cold.” Javier placed a kiss on her temple.

“Well, if you hadn’t just given birth to our daughter, I’d have an idea.” Rosalyn smacked him on the hand, earning a deep chuckle from him.

Both of them finally settled back into one another, the warmth of Javier slowly but surely warming her up as she drifted back to sleep.

Javier didn’t expect to dose off, but after taking care of his daughter and having his wife safely in his arms, it was enough for his mind to shut off and finally allow him some rest.

#kayla's ramblings #my fanfiction #pedro pascal #javier peña #little reina

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #420

lol blaze it (i’m funny i swear)

In your opinion, which fast food place has the best fries? Without a doubt, Bojangle's. Good. Shit. Are there hurricanes where you live? Yeah, they're common here. What do you hate the most about yourself? I'd really rather not get into this right about now. What song are you listening to right now? "Beast of Gévaudan" by Powerwolf. What was your first concert? Alice Cooper. Also my only concert. What’s your favorite Johnny Depp movie? Alice In Wonderland. Who did you last say “I love you” to? My sister. Do you like pumpkin pie? Anything pumpkin-flavored is a hell no from me. Do you know anyone named Austin? Knew, rather. Do you know anyone who is having a baby? My friend recently announced she and her husband are having their second child in December. What was the last thing you cried about? Just PTSD. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? I like both, but I prefer chocolate. Do you think you are an argumentative person? Definitely not. How many deep dark secrets do you have? Two or so, idk. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? Some wings at Buffalo Wild Wings with one of the hottest sauces. Wanted to die. ... Yet I continued to get that one whenever I went for years lmao. Who last called you sexy? I don't know. Would you class yourself as a good role model? In some ways, but in a lot of other ways, no. Are you scared of the dark? No. Do you have a motto? No. Who did you last see on webcam? The doctor that overlooks my TMS progress. Do you need a haircut? I need a trim for sure. How would you react if your mother told you that she was pregnant again? Well, considering 1.) she's way past menopause and especially 2.) she's had a complete hysterectomy, y'know... that's kind of impossible. She also hasn't been with a guy in many years, so she would have to be joking. You log into Facebook and see the red ‘1’ notification next to the message icon. Who do you want it to be? -___- Would you rather exercise alone or with other people? ALONE. You will NOT see me exercise in front of other people. What is the most difficult or involved video game you’ve ever played? The most involved is DEFINITELY World of Warcraft, and I guess you could consider it the hardest too, given some of the much more difficult things I've done in it. It itself isn't a hard game whatsoever, but you can pursue some really hard achievements. Ever watch the show Supernatural? If you have, then what’s your favorite episode? I used to love it, but just stopped watching eventually. My fave episode... Man, it's been too long to remember many. Probably one of the funnier ones. I remember I specifically liked the bit where they were in your everyday comedy show, as well as the one where I THINK Dean kept trying to prevent Sam from dying. I just remember the "Eye of the Tiger" bit that is pure gold. Ever heard of flavored honey? If so, what’s you’re favorite flavor? Oh, no, but that sounds good. Do you remember what your favorite show was when you were little? Yeah, Pokemon. Do you put anything besides cheese on grilled cheese sandwiches? Besides butter, which I think is pretty standard, no. When it comes to books, what do you think is the “perfect” amount of pages? Uh, I dunno. It depends on the book. I don't really care about page numbers. Would you ever be interested in going scuba diving? Yeah. Out of all of your friends/relatives, who would you say has the best vocabulary? Girt, probably. Are any of your fingers or toes deformed? What about the nails? I don't think so? When is the last time you cried? I was sobbing earlier today, fun stuff. Would you ever date somebody that has been divorced more than once? Most likely not. ESPECIALLY at my age. What are some stereotypically nerdy things that you like? Oh god. WoW, M:tG, big glasses, anime (does that count? idk really), video games... a lot of stuff, really. Have you ever attended a wedding that ended where the bride and groom didn’t actually get married? What happened? Y I K E S, no. That would be SO uncomf. What scares you the most about becoming a mother (hypothetically, if you don’t want to have children)? Actually raising it properly, physically and emotionally. Would you ever want a job in fashion? What would you enjoy about that type of job? No. Would you ever be a surrogate mother? No. What do you think would be the best and worst parts about being a twin? It'd be cool to have someone you feel an almost supernatural connection towards, but I'd also feel like I wasn't as "original" as I would be if I was born alone. Do you feel that your childhood was more rough compared to others around you? I mean it wasn't awful at all, but sure, in some ways compared to at least someone. How would you react if you found out today that you were actually adopted? Well today I'm a wreck, so don't tell me. I want to know that I wasn't lied to for 25 years. Have either of your parents ever cheated on one another before, that you know of? How would you react if you found out today that one of them cheated? I'm not entirely clear on this, but I'm 90% sure Dad cheated on Mom with his now-wife. Dad also accused Mom of cheating, but I HIGHLY doubt that's true. Do you like cleaning and organizing? Not really. How would you react if you found out you were infertile? If you don’t plan on having kids to begin with, what is a long-term goal you’d be crushed to find out was impossible to achieve? Fuck having kids. I'd be a terrible mother. So to answer the other question, I'll be pretty, pretty sad if I can't get permission to spread Teddy's ashes at Yellowstone. Would you take your dream job if it were out of the country? Well, obviously not considering my dream job is a meerkat biologist, and I'm not moving to Africa. Have you ever been robbed? No. Is anyone close to you an alcoholic? Not anymore. Dad was, but he's recovered. Have you ever dumped anyone? Yes. What kind of tea do you drink? I hate tea. Do you know anyone in a gang? No, and I hope I never do. What’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for you? Risk his fucking sanity and health to try to hold my fucked up self up. What is your orientation? Gay? Straight? Metrosexual? Anything other? Bisexual. I've kinda been questioning pansexual of the late, though. I don't know. Have you ever done anything really dangerous or illegal with friends? Not to my memory. Name three feelings you’re feeling right now: Regret. Hopelessness. Loneliness. And the reasons for these feelings? Take a wild fuckin' guess. How do you feel about your life right now? It's an actual dumpster fire. Is it easy for you to like yourself? Why or why not? Fuck no. Because there's just not very much TO like about me. Even on my good days, I see flaw after flaw in myself. What subjects come naturally to you? English, some aspects of science. What subjects do not? Math, economics, politics, history... Do you read more fiction or more non-fiction books? Definitely fiction. When I read a book, I want an escape from the real world. How has today been for you? BOY HOWDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What did you do? Went to TMS therapy. Sat on the Internet. Cried. :^) Are there any candles lit in the room you’re in? No. Are there any lava lamps near you? No. I want one, though. Do you like cats or dogs better? Cats. Are any of your friends a pothead? Yes. What’s a goal you’re trying to accomplish soon? Start losing weight again. That'd be pretty goddamn grand. Are you a high maintenance person? Definitely not. The last time you yelled as loud as you could, what was the reason? I was having a nightmare. Have you ever been heartbroken? For sure. Who did that to you? First Dad, then Jason. Did you go through an ugly stage as a kid? Boy, did I. The last type of sandwich you made or ate: A pb&j. The last time you spent most of the day in bed: Literally every day. I do just about everything in bed. Pathetic, I know. The last friend or acquaintance you made: Ummmm idk. The last thing you took pictures of: A hydrangea bush. The last time you were scared: Now. The future is terrifying, my friend. The last thing you looked up online: The definition of a word to ensure I was using it correctly. The last thing you disagreed with: So I've been watching John Wolfe's old stream of him playing Alice: Madness Returns, and he went on a total soapbox about smoking being okay essentially because we're all gonna die eventually from something, and I really disagreed with it. Does your house have a separate laundry room? No, just like a closet. Do your parents still help you financially? I'm still entirely dependent on them. Does your car have a backup camera? No. Have either of your parents ever been in trouble with the law? Not to my knowledge. Have you ever had a pet that lived to be really old for its breed/species? REALLY old, no. Teddy was definitely up there, but beagles have lived longer. What was the last strong scent you smelled? Lysol. Have you ever told someone to their face that they were ugly? Christ, no. Is your bed against more than one of your walls? No. Have you ever been attracted to someone’s parent? Don't think so? Have you ever pole danced before? No. Have you ever broken into someone’s house? No. Have you ever seen a live bat? Yes. What is the most amount of money you’ve spent on a meal before? I dunno. Have you ever taken a woodshop class? No. How much time do you spend on Facebook, if you have one? Funny you ask, because as of today I decided to take a break from it for awhile. I've found it's nothing more than a breeding ground for envy and making me feel like a horribly incompetent adult. Has a teacher ever made you hate yourself/your work? I had one photography teacher in college that I was NOT a fan of. He was super, super hard on everyone, like to an unnecessary degree. We were students, not pros. Have you ever been on the barrier or front row at a concert? No. Are your parents supportive of you? Somehow.

#survey #surveys #random questions

[aloisofmissouri]

A Journal Entry

July 20th, 2021

11:44pm

Trigger Warning:

 Sexual Assault, Self Harm,Mental Health, physical health, and occasional swears.

Dear Reader,

I’m only eighteen but I have experienced a lot, and so have many other teens I know. I know at least four of my classmates have been raped at some point in their life. And who knows what others may have been through and I never knew. 

But I’m not writing to share their story, unless they decide that they want their story told. As of now, I am writing to share my story. 

So, let's start with my earliest memory.

My earliest memory is watching Elmo and Little Bear from my crib in the living room when I was probably a toddler. I don’t remember much, other than enjoying the cartoons. It was happy and innocent. One of the few childhood memories I can look back on and smile. 

I was really young when I was first raped. First raped, you caught that part, right? Yeah, I wasn’t raped just once, but multiple times by one man. The man I had grown up calling my father. The man on my birth certificate. I’m not exactly how old I was when it started, but if I had to guess, I was probably in the first or  second grade when it went past the occasional groping and lewd comments. 

Near the end of third grade, my mother decided to take me and my sibling to live with our grandmother. But that didn’t last long.

We ended up moving back in with our mother and abusive father when I was in fifth grade. I didn’t want to but my father manipulated me into doing so. He threatened to place a restraining order on my grandmother when I wanted to stay with her. 

Things were miserable and the abuse continued. But luckily I was able to go back to my grandmother by sixth grade. But I still had to deal with what happened.

I believe my grandmother meant well, but she use to tell me not to let people know what had happened to me. She said that no one would want to be with someone who was raped because a lot of people view them as used or damaged goods basically. 

My grandmother was a bit emotionally damaging, though I know she more than likely didn’t know that she was being so. I have reason to believe that she has dementia and possibly a personality disorder. 

I remember her saying that I shouldn’t wear plaid or spotted clothing because it would make me look bigger than the broad side of a barn. She also told me to stay away from bright colors because they would have the same effect. I refused to stay away from plaid though, I kept that jacket from middle school until junior year when I could no longer zip it. But it took me a long time to wear bright colors, and it is still hard. I also have a hard time feeling comfortable in my own skin, and not just because of the occasional comment about my weight from my grandmother, but also because of the abuse I had dealt with from my father. I spent the majority of school always wearing jeans, jackets, and dark clothing. I didn’t feel comfortable wearing shorts. And I’m still getting used to wearing them. 

I had to go to court in middle school. Someone had apparently turned my father in for what he had done to me (I was living with my grandmother again by then) and we still do not know who reported them. I wish I could thank whoever turned him in. 

Sadly, they only gave him three years despite the evidence. And he was only going to have to serve one and a half years because of the amount of time spent in a jail cell waiting for court that kept getting rescheduled. He died of stage four lung cancer though before he was half way through his time.

My freshman year I finally realised I had anxiety and that there was something definitely wrong with me mentally. By my sophomore year, I was self harming and in counselling and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, OCD, and Anxiety. By junior year I was on a lot of medication thanks to a pill happy psychiatrist. And I was miserable. But thankfully, I found a new psychiatrist who quickly helped me get cut down to just one pill. Near the end of junior year, I quit self harming. And I also finally started to get a bit of control over my mania and my depression.

I have a Google Doc somewhere that has over 150 pages of poetry, and the majority of it is about depression, trauma, and anger. And they were all written during middle school and highschool. Writing poetry helped me then. Now, I don’t really write poetry anymore. I have only written a handful of poems within the last year. And they were mostly in Shakespearean English because I thought it would be fun.

I believe I might have religious anxiety. I don’t remember the technical term though. I grew up going to Baptist Churches and had a heavy christian influence. But sadly, Christians aren’t quite as christian as they are supposed to be. 

Due to being constantly worried about sinning and about being too filthy and being damned to hell, my depression and anxiety got to me from a different angle. I kept breaking up with everyone I dated if I feared we were getting too close. I would either feel like I wasn’t good enough or I would fear that we would have sex and I would be damned. I also hated myself for my sexuality, though it took me a long time to figure that out. I supported my LGBTA+ friends but when it came to myself, I couldn’t accept myself. 

When I self harmed, I would do it because I felt filthy and had this urge to scratch my skin off my body because I never felt clean. I never hurt myself too severely, just scratches and shallow cuts on my wrist and my thigh. But I still found it hard to quit. It became far too easy to always turn to the blade, regardless of if I was feeling filthy or if I was dissociating or if I was having a panic attack. 

Despite what had happened to me, I’m finally starting to become me. Even though I am still discovering who I am. I quite self harming, I don’t have quite as many panic attacks or nightmares, I lost my virginity, learned I am demisexual (leaning a bit towards asexuality though) Panromantic and Nonbinary. I also discovered I have some other health issues outside of my mental health. I am apparently allergic to alphagall, peanuts, and wheat. Thankfully I just get slightly sick if I eat those things though, but it is still a bit annoying when those things are basically in everything you like to eat. 

I also found out that the reason my menstrual cycle has always been so irregular is because I have cysts. Originally I thought I had PCOS but now after some ultrasounds, it is looking like Endometriosis. I have cysts on my uterus and my ovaries. The doctor told me that my insurance should cover the surgery if I were to get a total hysterectomy. 

I never really wanted to give birth so that part of this doesn’t bother me, my fear is that there will be issues from the surgery. And it has also spurred some identity issues. But so far, I am sticking to they/them pronouns. Even though my family still calls me she/her. But I haven’t really come out to them. They know I’m not 100% straight, but who wants to sit down and explain to their grandmother (who dropped out of school in eight grade to care for her grandma, has a flip phone, and just a few years ago decided to accept the lgbt+ part of her family) that I’m nonbinary? I barely manage to explain to my mother (highschool dropout because of pregnancy, has a touch screen phone and understand some things of the current century) that there is more than just straight, gay, and bisexual. I explained to my mother the other day what omnigender and nonbinary is. Had to explain transgender to my mother when I was a junior and introduced her to a friend of mine who was afab but went by he/him pronouns. 

I suppose that despite all the shit I’ve been through, at least my mother doesn’t give two flying fucks who I like. When I told her that I thought I was pansexual in middle school, all she did was ask me what that meant. Then she just nodded her head and went with it. Same thing when I decided I was Wiccan in middle school. She even bought me a pentacle necklace and every book (mostly fantasy) that mentioned witches. I no longer identify as Wiccan, I mostly just stick to animist. But my point being, my mother didn’t throw a fit when two of her nine kids came out as gay. Even if she does identify as a Saturday Adventist, she supports us. She even listens to me ramble about mistranslated things in the Bible and my views on theology. And my rants about Supernatural. Though she did laugh when I spent about an hour crying after the Supernatural second to last episode of season 15. She did listen to me rant about Castiel and the plot lines and everything. Though I had to keep explaining some of the characters to her. 

Despite the things I’ve been through, I managed to graduate high school, survive my severe depression and anxiety, and now I am thinking about possibly applying for Law school and going to college. And I now also have the confidence to do what I want and wear what I want. Though I still feel all nervous about asking out a girl I’ve been friends with for about three or more years. I’ve now made the excuse to wait and see if she mentions not being completely straight. Oh, and she now has a boyfriend too so yeah, gonna have to wait a bit.

Until next time,

Alois 🐧

#mentalhealth #metoo #abuse #journal #lgbtq #i swear #trauma #my life #moving forward #heath #depression

[slutaktion]

a few tips on sex with trans men & transmasculine individuals, from my own experience

(these tips could apply to you both as a cis or trans/nonbinary person. a lot of them could probably apply to sex with transfeminine ppl but i dont have the experience to speak on the subject so ill keep it to what i know.)

1. someone who hasnt had top surgery may not be comfortable with you seeing their chest during sex. you also shouldnt assume that they wont be comfortable with it. consider both possibilities before having sex. talk to your partner. are they comfortable having their chest exposed? are they comfortable with you touching their chest? is that in fact something they want you to do? you dont want to trigger dysphoria or discomfort in your partner - you also dont want to avoid touching them when they want you to because you made an assumption about their dysphoria (& possibly make them feel like youre uncomfortable with their body). some transmasculine people may be uncomfortable with seeing or touching their partners chest because it will trigger their own dysphoria. thats also something that may need be discussed.

some examples of possible scenarios: maybe you wont ever see or touch your partners chest. maybe theyll wear a binder, a sports bra or a shirt at all times. maybe you wont see their chest but youll touch it through clothing. maybe youll see their chest but you wont touch it. maybe youll see and touch their chest. etc.

2. the same ideas apply to your partners genitals: if they havent had bottom surgery, dont assume that your partner is looking for genital stimulation, vaginal penetration, or anything that they havent stated they want. 

some transmasculine people are comfortable with vaginal stimulation & sex. some transmasculine ppl prefer anal sex. many transmasculine people dont bottom at all. dont assume that a transmasculine partner will bottom.

3. if your partner hasnt had bottom surgery, ask them what you should refer to their genitals as. personally, i just asked my partners "what do you want me to call your junk?" & that was that.

dont assume that a partner is comfortable with you calling their vagina a "pussy" or another slang word, or even that they want it referred to as a vagina. dont assume they want their clitoris referred to as their clit. on the other hand - dont assume that theyre necessarily uncomfortable with that. some transmasculine people would feel weird calling their clitoris a dick. some transmasculine people dont have bottom dysphoria & are fine with you referring to their genitals with typical slang used for vaginas. some transmasculine people may prefer that you never acknowledge or refer to their genitals at all - especially if they dont want you to touch their genitals at all, they may just want to not be reminded of them at all. 

4. you should always aim to discuss boundaries, with any partners. this is especially important with trans partners because you may have assumptions, doubts, or expectations that you may have never questioned. 

you may assume that a trans partner will always top or always bottom (note: this is often linked to assuming that "everyone with a vagina bottoms" & "everyone with a penis tops", which really is based in cisheterosexual norms of sex; these assumptions align trans ppl with standards of their assigned gender at birth & are pretty transphobic). you may have assumptions about your partners level of comfort with some sexual acts or with their or your anatomy. you should aim to talk about how you view the sex youre going to have so you can know what to actually expect & do. that kind of talk doesnt have to be coldly medical either. ask your partner questions: "do you want to fuck me?" "would you like it if i went down on you?" "do you like when i touch your chest?", etc.

5. if your partner is on testosterone, dont expect their genitals to be the same as the genitals of a cis woman. testosterone causes clitoral growth, which means your partners clitoris is going to be larger. it can be more or less big depending on the person. for many people, it will get visibly harder and bigger when theyre aroused. on t, the clitoris may behave pretty much like a very small penis (think if just the head was poking out of the body). people on testosterone may produce less lubrication, which means if youre going to vaginally penetrate your partner you absolutely should count on having lube (note: you should always count on some lube regardless of your partners sex or hormones anyway bc it can always come in handy). in some cases, transmasculine people may have vaginal atrophy when on testosterone, which means the lack of lubrication will cause tearing to the tissues. this can make vaginal penetration very painful or impossible. if your partners wants vaginal penetration but it became painful after hormones, or if the vaginal atrophy causes them pain in daily life outside of sex, they may want to look into asking a doctor for a topical estrogen treatment. such treatments are applied only to the vagina & do not counterbalance the effects of testosterone, but they can stop vaginal atrophy.

if your partner is getting on testosterone, they may experience a rise in sexual libido, a few weeks/months into testosterone. they may find that theyre horny very often, sometimes even constantly. that can be a pretty fun time! however, if you have a long-term partner who is getting on testosterone, it can be a good idea to talk about this beforehand. would you like to be having a lot more sex, or would you rather they handle it privately?

if you started sleeping with someone after they got on testosterone, and they were very horny all the time as an effect of testosterone - if this wasnt the usual state of their libido before hormones, its likely that its not going to stay like that in the future. after time, their libido will probably decrease again and theyll find themselves to be in the mood less often, closer to their libido pre-testosterone. this doesnt mean that theyre less attracted to you or you did something wrong - its just an effect of hormones.

6. if you have a penis, you need to use a condom whenever you have penis-in-vagina sex, unless your partner has had a hysterectomy. testosterone may reduce fertility or even prevent a person from getting pregnant completely... but you dont know that for sure. many people on testosterone can still become pregnant, even if theyve been on testosterone for months or years, even if they never have periods anymore. (you should also always use protection, unless you & your partner are exclusive & you know what stds you may or may not have & how to prevent spreading them. this is just specifically abt the pregnancy risk.)

7. after all these tips... dont be scared. sex with a trans person is not fundamentally different from sex with a cis person. the goal is still to share an intimate moment with another person, where the both of you try to make one another feel good, & the key to that is still to communicate what both of you are looking for & what your boundaries are. you may be lacking a baseline understanding of parts of sex with a trans person bc you probably havent received education on anything but penis-in-vagina sex between a cis man & a cis woman, & even if you know about gay sex, its probably between two cis men or two cis women. but in the end, its all about just checking in with each other & doing what feels good.

- rezki

more on these subjects:

Sex and Communication

Vaginal bleeding after testosterone

#trans #trans partner #safe sex #boundaries #communication #dysphoria #trans man #transmasc #hrt and sex #rezki

[rotationalsymmetry]

Statement of ideology re: abortion (for what it’s worth):

Hard core pro-choice here.

Abortions should be legal, free, and unstigmatized, and they should happen however often they happen. Minors should not need parental permission of any sort. (Like…it’s generally a good idea for teens to talk to their parents, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to force teens to tell their parents.) No waiting periods, no late term abortion bans, no mandatory vaginal ultrasounds, none of that.

Contraception should be free, and available without a prescription. A wide variety of forms of contraception should be available, including specifically more penis-haver focused contraception. Information about contraception should be widely available and easy to understand. (And taught in schools ffs.)

Talking about sex should be normalized. Differences in sexual preferences should be normalized — in particular the idea that a woman who’s interested in any sexual contact with a man is interested in PIV sex with him needs to die in a fire.

Something something consent culture environment supportive of sexual assault/abuse survivors something something.

And, on the flip side, women and girls who want to keep the pregnancy — or who want to get pregnant on purpose — should be able to and should get all the support they need for that to be a viable option, period. (Yeah, not exactly where we are now.) And no stigma against those who become mothers really young. (Hang on, that was really gender essentialist, I also mean trans folks with uteruses. People with uteruses. Parents.) Sometimes people want to be a parent at disconcertingly young ages, or would rather do that than get an abortion, and that’s a bodily autonomy issue too. And “shit, me and my baby will be homeless if I don’t get an abortion” is just as much coercion as not being allowed to get an abortion. “Teenage pregnancy” is only a problem to the extent the teenager sees it as a problem.

(Abortion is usually not “an option” so much as “the only viable option, in practice”, which means most of the time “pro choice” is pro abortion — true reproductive freedom means abortion is a viable choice and having a child is a viable choice.)

(Sure, adoption is an option, it’s also a stunningly unpopular option. There’s something about going through pregnancy and childbirth and not having a child afterwards to mitigate the unpleasantness, that is just phenomenally unappealing to most people. Shocking, I know.) (But yeah, sure, that should be an option too, and open adoption on the birth parent’s terms should be an option for all those that want that.)

(And…I’m generally not very sympathetic to the MRA “financial abortion” (men shouldn’t have to pay child support if rye don’t wanna) concept just because, like objections to tipping, not doing that while keeping everything else the same means someone’s going to get screwed over badly. But ideally? Yeah, biological parentage should not automatically mean financial responsibility for a child, ideally; ideally this is a community support situation not an “each family for themselves” one.)

Likewise: trans people need to get their gender recognized without having to get sterilized; disabled people who want to be parents have as much a right as non-disabled people; and this thing where some women can’t get a hysterectomy that they want while others get sterilized against their will is …there aren’t words.

Anyways, we’re not going to be there any time soon, but in the meantime: an egg isn’t a chicken, an acorn isn’t an oak tree, and a fetus isn’t a child. Abortion is fine. There is morally nothing wrong with it. It’s just miscarriage on purpose. That’s all.

The moral issue comes with denying people the right of what to do with their own bodies and lives. (And since most people who get pregnant are women, and since there’s a fuckton of ways an unwanted pregnancy can fuck your life up, this is hella a feminist issue.)

And that’s not at all incompatible with understanding that when a person with a wanted pregnancy loses the pregnancy, that can be an unspeakable tragedy. Pregnancy has different meanings in different contexts; sometimes it’s a heart’s true desire and sometimes it’s a worst nightmare.

There is a thing about the issue of abortion that brings out the liar in so many people. Some truths: there doesn’t have to be a clear line at either conception or birth, the change between not-person and person can be a gradual thing with no unambiguous “this is a heap” point. Truth: a lot (maybe most? Don’t have the numbers offhand) of abortions are sought by women who are already mothers. It’s not some “irresponsible” young woman only thing. Truth: you can get pregnant from rape. Truth: late term abortion is fundamentally not the same thing as first trimester abortion; first trimester (normal) abortion is usually about not wanting a full pregnancy/child; late term abortion is usually when the pregnancy was wanted but something went horribly wrong and there is not going to be a living child at the end of the process no matter what. (Also: “partial birth abortion” isn’t a medical term and the ban didn’t stop abortions it just changed how they happened and interfered with parents’ ability to mourn a wanted but dead child. Sorry. But I think it’s important to point this out.) Truth: most pregnancies aren’t viable and miscarriage due to severe health shit happens all the time. (This might not seem like it is related to abortion, but to my way of thinking abortion can only be “murder” if miscarriage is the loss of a child, and realistically most miscarriages are not responded to that way, and many aren’t even noticed.)

Truth: laws are a sledgehammer and many people who think abortion should be illegal in general do actually get abortions themselves or help a loved one get abortion for the exact same reasons as everyone else, like “I’m too young and it would derail my life plans.” Not everyone who’s against abortion I’m sure. But also, not everyone who’s personally against abortion thinks it should be illegal. Truth: thinking something is bad and thinking it should be illegal are different things. I don’t really expect that to be compelling to someone who thinks abortion is bad, since I’ve already said I don’t think it is. But it’s an internally consistent position many people have.

Truth: abortion sometimes saves lives. Truth: abortion sometimes saves lives when determining there was a threat to life would have been incredibly difficult or unlikely. Truth: you can get pregnant from rape, and an abortion ban with a rape exception is either going to get a ton of people lying about being raped when they weren’t, or a ton of people who were raped but can’t get an abortion because they can’t prove it, or both. Truth: there are people who go to an abortion clinic who haven’t been to a doctor for any other reason in years and won’t go again for years.

Truth: some people who get an abortion regret it, and many others feel mostly relief or not much of anything.

Truth: from a health perspective, carrying a child to term even under the best of circumstances is far more risky than getting an abortion.

Truth: you can be a moral person and also get an abortion.

(Opinion: for people with uteruses who date people who could get them pregnant, especially who date cishet guys: you have to be on the same page about abortion on a personal level. If you’re not sure which way you’d go that means you need to only be (in a relationship with) people who think it’s your call and they will back you no matter what. Guys who have the capacity to get someone pregnant and who don’t believe in abortion ethically need to wait for sex until they and their partner are ready to have a child. That’s the only ethically consistent stance. A dude who says he’s against abortion but wants sex right away is the worst kind of shitbag and completely unfuckable.)

Anyways. Be well.

If I could talk to my teenage self, I would say: you will think about it, you will decide abortion is morally neutral, and you will be really pissed off that you were surrounded by “pro-choice” people who never just sat down and told you how they came to the conclusion that abortion was morally OK. I would say: most adults don’t actually care that much about what children are told, they think they’re too busy to worry about that, so there are vitally important things about the world that no one has told you for political reasons, because there are vicious hateful people who will fight like vipers to keep you from being told those things and the adults who would have told you weren’t willing to have that fight. This is not fair or right. But it doesn’t mean there was nothing to say. It just means there are vipers.

And yeah, you’ll still be pissed at the idea that if you’d gotten pregnant as a teen or young adult, you wouldn’t have actually gotten a choice. Fucking hypocrites.

There’s more than one way to deny people their reproductive rights.

#sexuality #abortion #pro choice #oh god this should be like 7 different posts #oh well #child death tw #long post #‘woman’s right to choose’ yeah if she’s under 18 or financially dependent on her parents #you mean her parents’ right to choose for her

[secondgenerationnerd]

Kathaya headcannons?

We doing pregnant headcannons because ya girl be in a mood!

Before they were dating, they’d actually talked about if either of them wanted to be a mom one day. 

They both wanted kids like right after they got married (and while they were still pretty young)

Because two cis girls cannot technically make a baby, they use a sperm bank (and manage to get the same donor for Azalea and Rosemary.)

When it came to the conversation about who would carry the babies, Maya absolutely wanted to and Kathy was not about to argue with her XD

Maya realized her period was late while Kathy was out of town. Took the test and sure enough she was pregnant. Kathy started sobbing when Maya told her. 

They wait a bit before telling Epsilon and Omega. Of course both teams are thrilled for them, with Epsilon making bets on who’s going to be best auntie.

With Azalea, Maya has a craving for lots of sweets. Like more than her normal love for them. Then with Rosemary, she wants nothing but roast beef sandwiches with pickles. 

Kathy loves seeing Maya’s tummy, especially with Aza because she’s their first baby.

Maya does seem bigger than what Irey did, so you know Alpha made a shitty comment to her.

Normally she wouldn’t care, but pregnancy hormones.

Kathy, however, doesn’t see that. All she sees is a bunch of assholes who just made her wife cry because she’s carrying her and Kathy’s baby, after dealing with their misogynistic and homophobic asses for over 10 years. 

While she isn’t saint like, Kathy doesn’t lose her temper that often. Which makes her slamming Jackson against a wall, with her eyes fucking drilling into him, and everyone in the area can feel her rage.

She makes it real clear that Maya, Azalea, and everyone else Kathy loves are now off limits and if they want to test her, she will show them exactly how powerful she is.

It’s Maya’s soft voice that pulls Kathy back. While Alpha scurries off like the cowards they are, Kathy’s checking to make sure she didn’t hurt Azalea. Once she’s sure, Kathy kisses her wife and says she’s sorry. Maya just holds Kathy’s hands on her belly. 

When Maya goes into labor with Azalea, Kathy’s with her every single second. Azalea might look like a little alien baby, but she’s their alien baby, dammit!

Azalea’s aunts (Epsilon) got her a mess of onesies that say things like “Ain’t no Mamas like the two I got” and “They’re both my real mom” and “Mommas’ Little Peanut” and “My aunt: The woman, the legend, the bad influence”

They also bring Kathy and Maya all sorts of frozen meals and snacks right after Azalea’s born. While the new moms get some time to shower and recharge, Azalea’s passed around her aunties for kisses and cuddles. 

“This is the only reason you all showed up?”

“We thought the food would lighten the ego blow”

“Unless any of you suddenly start making milk, I’m always her favorite person.”

Watching Azalea the first year is a dream if you ask them. Because it’s all so new an exciting and they love her so much.

Around Azalea’s second birthday, they decide to try for a second baby. 

This time, the egg came from Kathy that Maya would still carry. 

Aza is super happy to be getting a baby sister and talks to her in Maya’s belly all the time. 

Aza is also suuuuuuuper protective of Maya, literally growling at anyone that comes near her Maman.

Maya and Kathy think it’s absolutely adorable. They let Aza help them pick out stuff for Roro’s nursery.

Getting pregnancy photos with Azalea was the cutest thing ever and they joke it’s why she got into photography. 

Delivering Rosemary wasn’t much different than Azalea...but then Maya’s blood pressure dropped and she had to be rushed into an emergency hysterectomy. 

Kathy was convinced she was about to lose her wife. Epsilon brought Azalea to the hospital to meet her new sister (Kathy hadn’t had a chance to tell them) and end up staying with Kathy until Maya’s out of surgery.

Azalea cuddles into her Momma’s chest, trying to not let Kathy feel alone.  Kathy loves her big girl for it.

Because Azalea asked so many times (and everyone thought it would help Kathy’s nerves), the nurses brought Roro back from the nursery. Kathy helps Azalea hold her baby sister and it’s a moment of true bliss.

Once Maya’s safely out of surgery and up, she gets that same moment of bliss with Aza and Roro sleeping on her chest. 

They have two perfectly healthy girls and their family feels complete if you ask them.

#kathy branden #maya ducard #kathaya #kathaya kids #nobody #DC comics #Beacon

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 86

Chapter Summary -  Danielle does not feel well, but thankfully figures it out, leading to more time talking and in turn, repairing the relationship.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog​ @jessibelle-nerdy-mum​ @nonsensicalobsessions​ @damalseer​ @hiddlesbitch1​ @winterisakiller​ @fairlightswiftly​ @salempoe​​ @wolfsmom1​​

If you wish to be tagged, please let me know.

Tom looked at Danielle, unsure what to do, she was clearly overstressed with the issue with her aunt and seemed completely out of sorts in general as she insisted she needed to go to bed early.

The auctioneer had confirmed Danielle's suspicion, Bernadette's claim the house and the meagre plot of land with it was worth a hundred and sixty thousand was way off, it was only worth ninety-five. She had gone to the solicitor again with her information and had called her aunt and uncle to inform them before she began to feel incredibly ill. Tom watched as she doubled over, complaining of stomach cramps and a headache.

"Can I get you anything?" He offered pathetically, completely at a loss as to what to do.

"No, I'm fine."

"Elle, you are as sick as a dog."

"I don't know what it is." She whined. "How am I so sick all of a sudden, ever since Christmas?"

"Maybe it's me." Tom joked, earning a groan from her. "What does it feel like?"

"Like what I imagine it would be like if you were to do that scene in Alien where the creature bursts out of your chest, only in my stomach." She explained. Tom winced slightly. "I haven't gotten this in years."

"Wait, you had it before?"

"Yeah, before I got the…wait, I got the bar changed a month ago."

"Right…?"

"I am…shit," She turned around and headed for the door.

"Elle?"

"I need to get to the shop before it closes."

"Elle, are you mad, it's half nine at night and you are sick."

"I'm not sick."

"What?"

"I am not sick, I know what's wrong with me."

"Good, okay, so what is it?"

"I am getting a period."

"What?" "A period, I had to go on the bar because they were so bad, I changed the bar and now I am reacting badly or something because my body is acting like it is not there."

Not wanting to argue, and with two sisters, Tom knew that though he knew something of female anatomy, he was nowhere near qualified to make comment on anything, he grabbed his shoes again. "I am driving." Danielle did not argue.

*

After getting the supplies they needed and Danielle took something to help the pain, she seemed to become more upbeat…somewhat. "God, I cannot wait to go home." She moaned.

"When do you think…?"

"I have no idea. As I knew would happen, Lourda and Michael cannot afford to buy out Bernadette, and according to the solicitor, if she really pushes it, they may fold and sell it in its entirety."

Tom folded his arms and leant back against the counter. He had only been at the house for just over a day and he loved it, knowing that it meant so much more to Danielle, he could only imagine how she was feeling. "What do you think you can do?"

"I am trying to see if I can get the twenty-five thousand to pay her myself."

"What?"

"If no one else can buy her out, I am going to see if I can, by myself."

"Can you raise that much?"

"I had planned to get a new car, but if I keep onto my one, I can get a loan against my house and then yes, I can."

"How long have you been considering this?"

"Since the moment Siobhan told me she could try this stunt. I always planned to try and convince my family to sell me their shares in this place when I was younger, now I may actually get it."

"So you would then own…"

"My share in the house would be half the overall," She confirmed. "I would keep the same arrangement as is currently here, though obviously, Bernie would lose her ability to have any input in the place."

"Obviously." Tom nodded, he looked at her. "You really want this."

"I do, I love it so much, I have so many good memories here."

"Can I ask about your parents' house, why were you not as interested in keeping that?"

"My parents and I moved three times in my life, so none of those houses gave the feeling this has. Nan's was constant, my parents was where was suitable."

"Do you think you can get the loan?"

"Living in England isn't working in my favour, I guess I'll have to wait and see." She shrugged before wincing again. "I want to Google hysterectomies right now, fuck I forgot how much this hurts."

Tom looked at her sympathetically. "What if this is a permanent thing now, you reacting badly?"

"Jesus, don't curse me like that." She warned.

Tom understood her somewhat, she had tossed and turned for the majority of the night, waking him on several occasions before saying she was going to get some painkillers and sneaking down to the couch downstairs to sleep. He realised her plan after ten minutes and herded her back into the bed, telling her that he would sit in the armchair across from her for the night if she decided to stay there. "Was it always…?"

"Not as bad, but when as I grew more and more, it got worse, and now I am enduring it again, fuck I am going to go through my own weight in painkillers at this rate." Tom pulled her close to him, kissing her gently. "I am sorry I ruined things."

"Elle, you said it was done, so it is."

"But we can't have any fun."

Realising that she was not referencing the argument but her inability to be intimate because her body was doing what it is supposed to do, he smiled slightly. "We will again when you are back to normal, but you said you didn't want to do anything here, so at least this makes sure you stay on that. Also, there is more than one way to be intimate, it doesn't have to be sexual." He pulled her to him again, his arms around her. "I am so glad I still have you my darling Elle." He whispered in her ear. "I love you so much."

"I'm sorry I ran off."

"I'm sorry I rubbished your feelings." Tom added, "Though I am not sorry we came here, it is gorgeous."

"How about you get that shower you wanted and we can head out for a while, I can show you more?"

"Perfect. I will be back in a moment."

"The water should be hot enough by now."

Tom nodded and went to fetch a towel. "Shit, I forgot, Luke said he was going to ring," He handed her his phone, "If he does while I'm in the shower, could you tell him Ollie got onto me and could he double check the TV show confirmation with the film company, he'll know what that means."

"You're lucky I love you." Danielle sighed with a smile, causing Tom to grin.

"I am, I truly am." He agreed, kissing her before going and readying himself.

As Danielle threw together some food as a lunch, Tom's phone rang; seeing it was not Luke, she left it go, the second time it rang, it was Luke, so she answered. "Hi Luke, Tom said you might ring."

"Is he there?" Luke sounded somewhat perplexed.

"He's in the shower, he told me to tell you, he was talking to Ollie and to double check the TV stuff." She recited.

"I did and it is confirmed," Luke answered.

"Should I tell him that?"

"Please."

"Okay."

"I am not prying, but Tom told me you were in Ireland at present." Luke inquired.

"I am."

"So then, he is in Ireland too?"

"Yes, we are at my Nan's place. I had an issue that was stressing me out so he came over." Danielle explained.

"Well, better than the jet-setting fiasco of last summer."

"Well, I don't own a jet."

"I am sure he will forgive you for that; if it is any consolation, he doesn't either." There was a hint of a smile in Luke's voice. "While I have you, I was wondering if you were going to the premiere in London?"

Danielle frowned. "I had not even considered it."

"I am aware you would not have gone as Tom's other half, but there are limited tickets for friends and family also. Tom is getting a few since of course, it is in London. Are you interested?"

"I am not sure, I have too much going on here, I am not going to be in Britain for a few weeks at this stage."

"Oh, I see. Can I ask if it is something serious?"

"Family drama."

"Everyone has that." Luke consoled. "I hope it resolves soon."

"Yes, well, my aunt is going all out on hers, so I m unable to plan anything, and thank you, I hope the same."

"I am sure Tom will ask you also, but if you change your mind, all you need do is ask. Tell him I have his ready for whomever he wishes."

"Thank you, Luke." She smiled. "I will tell him what you said and I am sure he will be on to you again soon."

"Thank you, Danielle, have a pleasant day."

Danielle laughed to herself as the call ended, going about getting everything ready for their afternoon. Several minutes later, Tom came downstairs, wrapping his arms around her, ensure to keep away from her tender stomach. "Luke rang, the TV thing has been confirmed, I told him about Ollie, your extra tickets are with him and someone else rang but I didn't know who it was, so I didn't answer."

"Thank you, love," He kissed her neck. "You make a great secretary." He looked at her for a moment. "I had planned to ask you about going to the premiere, but considering what you are doing here, I said I would not make you feel pressurised."

"I would have, but with my aunt." She gave him an apologetic look.

"I know," he reached for his phone. "It's Odette."

"No idea who that is."

"She is the PA for the Skull Island tour."

"But I thought Ollie was your PA."

"Not for this, he can't make it."

"Fair enough, I will let you call her back and I will get us ready to go." She kissed his cheek as Tom smiled and went on the phone again, thinking to herself as he did so.

#I Hate You I Love You #chapter 86 #tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston fic #wolfpawn

[the-entity-down-the-street]

Flutterby, Butterfly

Hey everyone, I’m back! I took a break from tumblr for a while, and while I might post less from now on, I figured now was the time to come back. Today I have something a little different. A story I wrote about coming to terms with my gender identity! It’s framed as me having a conversation with my own soul. It’s my hope that someone who has had similar experiences might find comfort in reading it. However, trigger warning, because there is a very honest discussion about my experiences with dysphoria and body problems in general. It’s a bit graphic and anatomical. I’ll put the story under the cut so you can skip it if you prefer. For everyone else, enjoy! 

We met somewhere dark. Not dark in the physical sense. Light filtered in through the bedroom window like any normal day. Pale sunshine like pastel prison bars shone through the blinds. I’d been here for weeks. Or months. Who knew anymore?

My friends, save one, had left me for their own homes. Not that I blamed them. This was a dead town without the university’s typical buzzing student body. The lifeblood had been supped dry. Of course, it wasn’t very exciting anywhere else either. We were suffering in the world’s most mundane and boring catastrophe. Locked away in our homes, quietly terrified, numbed in our isolation. This was where we met.

I had been cleaning the gunk off my soul. What else was there to do? After peeling away the rot of old habit, scrubbing away the mold of toxic friendships, and pulling at parasitic thoughts, I thought the work was done.

And yet.

Something was off. Beneath the grime was someone I didn’t want to recognize.

“Hello again,” they said. “Are you done hiding from me?”

“You’re a side-effect,” I told them. My body issues were the last bit of junk to tackle. I thought I’d settled them as I got healthier, but isolation and recent weight gain had done me no favors.  “Once I’m back in shape, you’ll go away.”

They sauntered over to the bed and plopped down. Fresh, clean, and naked, they moved like someone who had never known restriction. “Is that so?”

“Of course. I just want to be thin.”

“And flat,” they said, gesturing to their chest. I envied their beauty. Lithe, fit, and androgynous.

I crossed my arms. “Insecurity isn’t an identity. I’ve always hated my boobs.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“I don’t know. They’re flabby. Gross. They don’t fit on me.”

“Would you be happier if they were perkier?”

“I mean—”

They sat up. “Or do you push them out of the way when you look in the mirror, even when you’re skinny?”

My mouth pressed into a hard line. What could I say? Countless timed I found myself squeezing them into my armpits, squishing them against my ribs, blocking them out with my hands. I measured the beauty of my naked body by how I looked without them. Even chubby I’d push them out of the way to feel better about myself. We both knew what they were trying to tell me.

“I’d like to be flat-chested. Big deal,” I said, at last. “Body preference isn’t an identity. I’m still a girl.”

“Is that why you fantasize about having a hysterectomy?”

“Hey, nobody likes their period. It’s messy. It hurts. I get bloated.”

“You get womanly,” they said.

“Ugh, don’t say it like that. That’s just weird.”

They shot me a smirk, like I’d proven their point. “Disgusting, isn’t it? You’re so uncomfortable you barely want to put your clothes on.”

I turned on my heel away from them. “Pads feel like diapers.”

“And tampons are so much worse,” they added. I agreed. That cotton between my legs made me too aware of my own body for comfort. “Remember when you were on the ring? And you could skip your period? Felt natural, didn’t it?”

“Until I got bloated and lost my sex drive.”

“Yeah, that sucked. It was like being hacked from the inside. No wonder you avoided hormonal birth control for so long.”

I had. I even tore up my womb with that copper torture device to avoid it. Part of me hoped it would perforate my walls so the doctors would have to perform a hysterectomy. That didn’t help my case, I realized.

“No, it doesn’t,” they agreed. “Getting your tubes tied was the right choice.”

The right choice. That was one way of putting it. Everyone knew I was staunchly childfree, and I was solidifying that staunchness with a snip. I told myself the two months of euphoria after was just a sense of personal accomplishment. Of freedom. Of finally having bodily autonomy.

I always got a little rush from changing my body. Haircuts, dye, new piercings, tattoos, whatever little modification I could afford to make my body feel like mine. Yet nothing compared to what that surgery did for me. It wasn’t a rush. It was an awakening. It was…

“You. You disconnected from womanhood,” they explained, moving their fingers in a snipping motion. “That’s why it felt so good. Nothing hits like gender euphoria, baby.”

“But I like girly things. Make-up. Jewelry. Pretty dresses.”

“Never said you didn’t. Style isn’t an identity.”

Oh. I faced them, defeated. “Then what is my identity? Where is it?”

They stood up and approached me. Sea green eyes saw straight into me. Because they were mine. “You’re looking at it. Where am I?”

“Inside me.”

“Exactly,” I told myself. “I’m not part of your garbage. I’m not an issue. What am I?”

“…You’re my soul.” The moment I said it, I knew it was true. I couldn’t pull or scrub or peel them away. We were the same, yet not. The disconnect between us was slight, deep only as breast tissue and muscle mass, but it was the root of most of my body issues. It was the unease of unbalance. I wasn’t myself yet.

“There you go.”

“But what does that make me? What am I, if not a woman?”

They smiled at me. A sweet, knowing smile. “If you want an honest answer, you’re the purple that falls between the pinks and blues of the world. The shade varies on the hour of course. Sometimes fuchsia, sometimes lavender, sometimes wine, but purple all the same.”

“I was asking for a label,” I said, flatly.

They shrugged. “Take a word and use it. What do you want it for? Others or yourself?’

I thought on that. The answer was both. I wanted to explain myself to others, and I wanted to define myself for myself. Androgynous felt right, but then again, so did genderfluid. Nonbinary was broad, but I kind of liked that. It was an umbrella to cover everything else. All these words were synonyms that described, to different degrees, the nuances of my soul.

“Then use all three,” they suggested. “You’re a writer. Since when do writers use just one word to describe something? Especially something so complex as a person? This gives you wiggle room when explaining it to people. If they don’t understand one, maybe they’ll understand another.”

“Yeah, I don’t think my mom knows what the fuck nonbinary means.”

“But she knows what androgynous is. She knows what feminine and masculine mean. You’ll tell her you’re the balance between them. That’s where you’re happiest,” they explained. “But in the end, no matter what label you pick, they’re all true. You know who you are.”

I did. We did. They did.

Yet I felt my world crumbling. I was sitting alone, naked as my soul, staring in the mirror at someone I wasn’t. The people who knew me didn’t know me anymore. I was an alien in my own life.

I had a sudden burning need to erase my old self completely. I wanted the person I saw inside to be who everyone else always knew, to project them onto their memories. More than anything I wanted my real body. This one had an awkward fit, like I was wearing something from several years ago, and I was squirming in it. It felt… off.

“This feels backwards,” I said. “I’m growing backwards. I’m not growing into myself. I’m cutting myself away. It’s uncomfortable.”

“Has it been comfortable cutting off old friends you’ve outgrown? Has it been comfortable to confront the toxic habits you’ve clung to?”

“No.”

“But it’s been for the best?”

“Yes.”

“Then there you go,” they said. “Sometimes metamorphosis feels like going backwards. Remember when you were little, and you called butterflies flutterbies? That’s you. Right now, you’re the flutterby. You’re dissolving in your cocoon. Do you think that’s comfortable for the butterfly?”

“No.”

“But it’s for the best?” They phrased it like a question, but I knew it wasn’t.

“…Yes.”

“Then let yourself dissolve.”

I sighed. “But then what? Who will I be without my old self?”

They smiled again. “With time, the butterfly.”

#nonbinary #nonbinary writer #genderfluid #tw dysphoria #tw self harm thoughts #tw periods #tw sex mention #tw body hate #tw nudity #tw breasts #personal #My writing #entitywrites #tw surgery

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

COTW - Final chapter

Armed with a file full of printed papers, Levi was visiting Krista's office alone. Eren had been up and out of bed before him, finding feeding Eli when Levi had woken in a panic over his missing husband. With Krista's promptness, it was only a short wait before she came to fetch him. A smile on her face as he followed her down to her office, and gestured for him to sit. Sinking down, Levi let out a sigh. Krista jumping right into it as she sat "Let me guess. You and Eren had a fight?" "Maybe... Yes" "Both of you are so easy to read. He had the exact same look on his face when he came to see me. Was it about the roster?" "It wasn't my fault... I did the dishes without thinking" Krista laughed "Oh no" "Yeah. Pretty much" "And how many times has this happened?" "A few. I don't even realise I am until he tells me off" "And how is "he"?" "Bossy. He threw his shoe at me the other day" "Are you two sticking to the roster? For the most part?" "We're trying to. But like I said, I start something without thinking, so he gets mad" "And the shoe?" "I moved the washing to the dryer" An uncharacteristic pout was on Levi's lips. He really hadn't thought about it. There was washing to be done, and it was just... right there "No one said this would be an easy transition. It was more to get you two on the same page. Now. What have you brought me today?" "A few things... I... Eren and I had another fight over Nick's money. You see. There's something Eren said that hasn't left my mind, so I did some looking into it on my own" "Oh! What is it?" Passing the file of papers over to Krista, Krista opened it up in her lap "What am I looking at?" "Properties and property reports. Eren mentioned that omega shelters aren't safe for omegas, and we know how into omega rights he is. I know he hates Nick's money, but it was given to him so he could do something more with his life..." "You want to start a shelter?" Krista sounded both surprised and delighted, Levi leaning forward as he nodded "Not just a shelter. Hanji wants to quit from being a full time ER doctor, to spend more time with Anna before her baby comes. She's licensed to practice as a GP. What I want to establish is a new kind of shelter. A shelter where omegas are put first and treated as people. Where they can come for medical advice, without being judged. Eren is amazing with omegas, and with children. He's had no formal medical training, but he's helped deliver children. He knows what omegas need, and he knows what's wrong with society" "And you? You're giving me a lot of "Eren" reasons" "I never thought omegas were second class citizens. I dealt with omegas almost every single day, but it took Eren to make me realise so many things. The courage and bravery he showed taking the stand... He said that if it could help even just one omega, then it was all worth it" "Levi, you slipped back to "Eren reasons"" It was hard not to. Eren had opened his eyes to so many things "I don't want my sons growing up in a world where omegas are treated like shit. I'm fucking sick of seeing omegas beaten to death by their alphas, or thinking they deserve to be beaten because they have no where to go, and their alphas are dicks. No one else has the balls to step up, and I want Eren's suffering to have been for something" "Setting up a shelter isn't something you can just do" "I know. I've been in touch with the police, and with the government. Not that they're fast at replying. The government hasn't replied, but with their own interests at heart, it's best they "help" if they want to save face" "You need licenses and a premise" "I've been looking. I've found one that needs work, but it could be perfect" Krista flicked through the papers. Levi may have printed off almost everything he'd come across in order to read it properly at a later date "Which one?" "The old Wall Maria Hotel. It's abandoned, and ugly as hell. The bank's been trying to offload it for years. It was repossessed, but with the downturn in economy, no one wants to put the money or effort into it" Krista closed the file, her smile gone "Levi. I think it's very admirable. But we both know this is a grand gesture of love to Eren" "So what if it is?" "These are people's lives" "Why can't it be both? A positive change and a project Eren can throw himself into. We were all disgusted to hear how omegas were treated. Eren used to tell me not to quit my job because he was proud of how I treated omegas. I've seen abused omegas. My husband was let down by the system that was supposed to help omegas. Do you know what he told me? He told me one of the omegas at the compound, was giving birth to the child of a shelter owner. They went there for help, and instead had to pay for their room with sex. It's fucking disgusting. How is anything going to change when this shit is happening?" Krista sighed heavily. Levi taken back by how strongly she was objecting, as if she thought he hadn't considered everything... or maybe she was trying to make sure he had... either way, he was thrown off balance "Say you do start a shelter. How are you going to pay for the building? How are you going to pay for repairs? How are you going to pay for staff? You're not on suppressants anymore. Will you go back on them to cover your alphas scent? What happens when you have omegas in heat? With alpha staff? What happens if an omega throws themselves at you in heat? How is it going to be for Eren, surrounded by omegas throwing themselves at you?" "That's why I want to take a step back. I want to get Eren trained to be a receptionist, so when omegas come, they're greeted by an omega. I would take a purely administrative role" "And what about the kids?" "What about them?" "Not all omegas are trustworthy. You'll be having strangers in and out of your home constantly. Strangers around your children" "That's... The hotel is only small. 4 floors with 20 rooms across the two middle floors. The man who'd purchased the building had intended to turn the whole thing into a lavish townhouse. The top floor has already been gutted... there is a basement, and that will be a problem for Eren, but it's not like it has to be that building. I want to create a future with him. An omega has never, ever, received an restitution of that much. Previously, the largest ever sum paid out to an omega was $2000. And that was because a doctor was forced to perform a hysterectomy after birth. And even then, that payment was because of their alpha. Even if Eren and I don't have an active role above establishing the safe shelter, I still firmly believe that this is what the city needs" "And you're not just being swept away? Eren had a tremendous victory for omegas, that much is more than true. But what happens when the dust settles?" "Then we kick it up again. We make it so people have to listen. Shitty pigs feeding from their troughs, aren't going to listen unless someone tips those troughs over" "And what about what Eren wants?" "He's the one who mentioned the idea of a shelter to begin with. I don't intend to start anything without him by my side" "And the money?" "Eren said he didn't want it. He told me to take it, and despite it being restituted to him, it was still paid into my account as the alpha in our relationship. This way, he's not keeping it, and nor is it going to waste" Krista hummed, closing the file "Eren and I discussed the shelter idea, as well as donation. Did he tell you that?" "No" "It was only in passing, but he didn't want it as he'd finally found his small world of happiness. I do agree. Things needs to change for omegas, and I offered Eren my support. But I can't support you until you've discussed this in length with him. As you know, I own my practice, and I can assure you that getting established took jumping through a lot of hoops. There will be days when you wonder why you even started the process to begin with. With three young children, it's going to make things so much harder, and it may take years for things to settle down. Are you prepared for that?" "If... if Eren is by my side, we can find a way to make it work. And it won't just be him. There's Hanji, Mike, Erwin and Eld..." Not that he really knew if they'd want to be involved. Hanji would. Mike possibly too. Erwin and Eren had butted heads so many times that Erwin might not listen to Eren. But... he knew he'd regret it if he didn't at least see this through far enough to present something more than a just a paper proposal to Eren. He wanted to encourage his husband's dream... He wanted a world where Eren wouldn't be treated like shit anymore. And if that meant helping other people along the way, well, it couldn't be helped. Even if his intentions were less than completely sincere, around the edges, there wasn't a person in the world who couldn't say they'd never done something to bask in the praise of others. Eren was a symbol of hope, or at least in Levi's eyes he was... and his husband had been right. He needed to keep busy "I'm not saying it's a bad idea. I just want you to be truly sure before starting something like this. Abused omegas need a lot of time and help, just like you know. And though not all of them have had the same kind of life as Eren, they all have their own trauma and pain. Some may even come to find a safe place to die. You may have seen more than your fair share of death, but Eren hasn't" "I... know. I don't expect it to be easy. I don't even know if it'll succeed. But people like Nick, are really a dime a dozen..." "That is unfortunately true. Alright. For now, we'll set this aside. I want to see your list, and Eren's too if you have it" Levi was distracted by the idea of a shelter through his whole session. The more he tried to push it from his mind, the more it centred itself first and foremost. By the end of the session, he'd decided to call the realtor over the hotel. Even if he couldn't buy the hotel, it'd give him a fair idea of what to expect in terms of space and size. Hell. He'd even decided on the colour scheme for the facade... and most importantly, the name of the shelter. Throwing himself into researching and budgeting, Levi found himself often going to bed as Eren was getting up for the pups midnight feed. His husband was biting his tongue again, yet Levi hadn't been able to bring himself to tell him yet. He'd thought Eren would stay quiet at least until the end of the week, but it was a fortnight after his appointment with Krista, that Eren finally got mad enough to demand some answers. Carrying Rei in his arms, Eren walked over to the sofa and dropped down in his lap. Forcing him to abandon his laptop, and pay attention to his mate "I'm sick of you staying up. Either you tell me what's happening, or I'm throwing it off the balcony. These late nights aren't good for you" "Eren..." "No. Don't Eren me. Start talking. I'm holding Rei hostage until you do" Two threats? His husband really must be mad. Sighing deeply, Levi spread his legs so Eren slipped down between them. He couldn't see over his husband's shoulder if he didn't. Eren was way too tall for Levi's own good "He seems pretty happy being hostage" Rei was wide awake, his grey green eyes blinking up at both of them "Lee. I'm serious. I don't know what to threaten you with, but this has been going on since the chores list went up. Is that it? Are you mad about something? I've been trying to be respectful, but both boys have their weigh in and vaccinations tomorrow, today even. You need sleep, and I'm worried about you" Was that today? Every day seemed to bleed together without having the set roster of work. Kissing Eren's cheek, he sighed softly "Sorry. I'm not mad. And I'm not mad about the chore list. Have I been that bad?" "You're either on your phone or on your laptop. You didn't even hear me asking if you could hold Rei while I prepared his bottle" "Shit. I'm sorry" "What's going on?" "I've been working on something, and, it's not quite ready yet" "Working on something?" "Yeah. I wanted to gather more information before telling you about it" "Can you tell me now?" "I can show you, if you give me a couple more days. I'm not trying to hide anything from you, I just didn't want to get your hopes up" "You can't tell me that, and then tell me nothing more" "It's nothing bad" "That doesn't make it better. Is it your back? Is it the bullet? Has it moved?" Eren's scent peaked with fear "Bright Eyes, I'm fine. It's not the bullet" "Would you tell me, if it was?" "Yes. I would tell you" Maybe not right away, but it did affect their family after all "Then why can't you now?" "Because I want to be able to explain it all in person" Fuck it felt nice to hold Eren. It wasn't like he didn't hold him at night, but during the day, Eren had a tendency to curl up on the recliner with Titan, leaving him the sofa with Viren "And you will?" "Yes. I have an appointment at 3 on Friday, and I want you there" "Tomorrow's Friday. Not tomorrow once the sun comes up tomorrow, but tomorrow" "I still want you there. We'll have to organise a baby sitter though" "Hanji owes me a favour" Levi raised an eyebrow, Eren leaning back in his hold "What's with that look?" "You said she owes you a favour. She owes you about a hundred" "That's true. No. She just owes me a favour. I don't think she's on call on Friday afternoon... I'll have to check with her" "And how do you know when she works?" "Um. I babysit. I need to know when Anna's coming" He couldn't remember seeing Anna in the last week or so... "Don't be like that" "I'm not being like anything" "You've got you scowl face on" Levi kissed Eren's neck, nuzzling into his omega as he drank in his scent "I don't. No. I was just thinking. I really didn't mean to make you think about this more than you have to" "It's fine... its not, but now I know it's not health related, it's better" "I'm sorry" "Well. If you're sooooo sorry, can you hold Rei for me? I need to make his bottle. Eli went right back to sleep, but Rei, nope. He still doesn't want to breast feed" Snorting, Levi shook his head "He doesn't know what he's missing" "Don't even joke about sex. My arse just clenched at the thought" "I was talking about your breasts. They're great breasts" "It doesn't feel that way then he won't take my nipple. Now I'm getting depressed. Here, take him. Once he's fed, I want you to come to bed. Whatever it is, it can wait for now" "Yes, mum" "Don't give me that... You make me feel bad for worrying about you" "I'm sorry. It's sweet that you worry, and I'm sorry for making you worry. I just hope it's going to be worth it" "It better be. I'm sick of you staying up all night and not knowing anything" "Alright. I get it. I'm coming to bed once I've fed Rei. Then you have my undivided attention" "I better. I miss talking to you, without 6 little ears in the room" Despite his words, Eren was asleep when Levi climbed into their bed. Pulling his husband up to him, Eren let out a sleepy purr as he nuzzled into Levi's chest. It was nice to have a goal and dream, but he'd been doing exactly what Krista warned him about. He was throwing himself into the project and neglecting his family. He'd alienated Eren again, yet his husband still loved him. Kissing Eren's soft vanilla smelling hair, Levi wrapped his arms around his husband. Not caring at all that he'd wake with pins and needles down his arm. Eren was working so hard on doing what he felt he had to, to try and combat his depression the best he could. How could anyone not care for their omega, like he did for his? He was so very lucky to have Eren, and hopefully once Friday came, his husband would understand. Spending that Thursday with Eren sneaking glances at him every five minutes, and two pups that didn't appreciate their immunisations, the day passed slowly. Viren was also in a bad mood, as their toddler had gotten into the pantry before covering the apartment in flour. He hadn't appreciated his bath, or being smacked on the bum for spreading even more flour after being told to stop. For the first time in a long time, Levi found himself taking a nap in the afternoon, as it was Eren's turn to make dinner. He was woken by a crying pup, finding both Eli and Rei sleeping on Eren's side of the bed. Wriggling over, he draped his arm lightly across them, kissing Rei's hair, while gently playing with Eli's. Sometimes he still couldn't believe he was a father of three, or that Eren put up with his shirt and cranky arse. If he was Eren, he would have dumped himself a long time ago. Spending sometime with his son's was soothing. Even if Rei was still grizzly. They were both so very small and so very innocent, yet growing every single day. Their tiny family wasn't so tiny anymore and despite everything, Eren was more than willing to have yet another child with him... For someone who'd had no one for so long, it was an intoxicating promise. Though, he also knew that realistically if they wanted to have another child, it would have to be sooner rather than later. He didn't want to be the 60 year old dad in the back row of his child's play... He wanted his children to be able to enjoy life, without feeling shackled to their ageing father... but Eren had his heart set on a girl... and he couldn't deny that a miniature female Eren would be adorable... until she hit puberty, then it would be terrifying. Staying with their sons, Eli was set in to fetch him when dinner was ready. Eren having outdone himself with a full roast meal, and a glass of his favourite wine. He didn't even know they had alcohol in the house, but somehow Eren had magicked it up, leaving Levi silently agreeing that he really didn't deserve him. He could only pray that the following day wouldn't end with Eren in tears, and him in the doghouse again. * Leaving their three sons with Hanji, Eren chewed on his lip as Levi drove. According to his husband it was a short drive, but without knowing what they were heading into, Eren was a ball of nerves. He'd even cooked a huge dinner with the hopes of loosening Levi's tongue, but his husband stubbornly kept his secret. Pulling up in a random street, Levi turned the car off. His husband climbing out, and leaving him to scramble out after. The area seemed kind of nice. It wasn't upscale, but there were a few boutiques and cafes in the area. The only problem in the street was a god ugly building, that's ageing sign declared was once a hotel. With it bordered up windows, and trash spilling down its stone stairs, it was hideous. Not to mention the puke yellow paint job "Levi. Why are we here?" "Just wait a minute. She should be here soon" Who was she? And why was she coming? And what the fuck was going on? He didn't get what this had to do with anything "Or you could tell me now?" Smiling, Levi took his hand and dragged him over to stand in front of the building "Ta-da" ""Ta-da" what?" "It's a hotel" "Oh, no. What?" "I know you don't like it, but, I have an idea, and I need you use that imagination of yours" "You want to open a hotel? I told you I'd support you when you found something to devote your life to, but you're not exactly great with customer service..." "No. Not a hotel. Imagine the building repainted in a white, with blue around the window frames. Shutters on the windows, and two nice big plants either side at the top of the steps..." "Not a hotel?" "No. I know I've been busy, but I've been putting a lot of things in place. And I know this building is super ugly on the outside. In fact, I'm pretty sure we've cleaned up nappies with that same shit yellow in them, but. The previous owner, he brought it to convert it into a town house. He stripped the building of asbestos, and began to convert the top floor, before having to surrender the property to the bank when the economy went down hill..." Eren blinked at Levi, completely shocked by the excited words coming out his husband's mouth. He wanted to buy a fucking hotel?! But not run it as hotel... so he wanted to live in a hotel. While they might need space, a hotel was way too much space! No one needed a house as big as a hotel! "Levi. You better start making sense" Digging something out of his pocket, Levi unfolded the piece of paper. A very crude sketch of what seemed to be the hotel was on the paper, along with a series of crossed out names "I want to turn this into a safe shelter" What. What now? What? "A what?" "You said you didn't want the money the judge awarded you. And we both know omega shelters aren't safe. It's not a huge building, but I was thinking, that a shelter is a good idea" Wrapping his arms around himself, Eren backed away from Levi, holding up a hand to keep his husband at bay "A shelter. You. An alpha. Wants to build a shelter for omegas" Levi's smile slipped "Not just a shelter. Hanji wants to quit working in the ER. If she opened a clinic, we could provide a safe place for omegas to get medical help. There are 10 rooms on the second and third floors. As well as space on the top floor. I've been thinking about this. There's space so that you and Sasha could have your own studio for dancing. We could offer classes to omegas to help with literacy. We could help set them up with their own bank accounts and ID. Give them somewhere warm and safe to have heats. A sort of one stop spot. I've been contacting different agencies and trying to find out the legal side of things" Pinching the bridge of his nose, Eren shook his head "Are you serious? Do you know how much work this is going to take? You can't staff it with alphas..." "Well, that's why I was thinking you'd work here to. You're passionate about omega rights. You know what it's like to go through hell, and you're always looking out for fellow omegas. Rather than an alpha in control of everything, you and I would be, as a partnership" "What about the kids?" "There's the whole top floor... we could move here? Or at least have the space for them while at work..." "Levi... this is... all way too much... how do we even know this building will work?" "We don't. That's why we're meeting with the realtor. They're anxious to be done with it. And I know it's going to take a lot of work. That's why I want to bring Mike, Erwin, Hanji... everyone in on it... but ultimately, I want to build something here that shows people there's still hope" "I... I don't know what to say" He really didn't. His stomach was doing flips, while his heart had settled somewhere near his toes at the thought of touching Nick's money. The judge had said to do something, and a shelter had been a day dream, but reality was now smacking him in the face with a brick, and it was way too much "Eren..." "Just. Why?" "Why, what?" "Why all of this, so suddenly..." "I've been thinking about this for weeks. I've been thinking about you. I hate how society treated you. It makes me sick to think of how unfair it was..." "So you want to turn my life into... into some money making scheme?!" Hissing at Levi, Eren was insulted "No. I want to establish a legitimate charity to help omegas. I thought you'd understand. Unlike The Church, we won't be "helping" ourselves to omegas. We'll be helping them. We'll be helping give them a voice Eren. You know how powerful that can be" "With a staff of alphas" "No. Well. Kind of. I'd be working behind the scenes. Hanji might be over enthused, but even I have to admit that her heart is in the right place. Then there's Mike. He's an alpha. When he has ever treated you with disrespect? Erwin... I don't know about. But think, Eren. We could give omegas jobs here. They could earn wages, it wouldn't be a huge wage, but it'd be money they'd be making for themselves..." That did kind of sound good. He knew how hard it was to get a job, even with his high school equivalency... and maybe... He knew Levi wouldn't hurt an omega intentionally, but when an omega was in heat, rationality went out the window "How will you deal with heats?" "The same way we did at home. Each room has its own lock and bathroom. We can set the system up so only you have access to the keys of omegas staying here. That way, no alpha can..." "Levi. You've kicked down the door to get to me before. When you're in heat, you can't think. All you want is to be fucked senseless and knotted. Now you want to run a hotel filled with omegas. I don't know how to feel, especially..." Eren shook his head, taking a breath as he turned away from his husband "Especially, what?" "Especially when I don't even know if you want to spend my heat with me..." "I... why wouldn't I?" "Because we haven't even talked about it since we got married. You've never spent a full heat with me, but you're happy to fill a hotel with omegas in heat" Tears filled his eyes at the thought of Levi in the arms of another omega... let alone multiple omegas... "Eren. I would love to spend a full heat with you. The only reason we didn't after Viren's birth, was because you asked me not to" "Because... because I can get pregnant. You could sleep with a hundred omegas Levi. You could get them all pregnant... You don't understand what a heat is like. Your ruts are hard, but a heat. No. It hurts so badly. In a full heat, you can't say no" Omegas could get other omegas pregnant, but the chances were so slim. And society spat on omega/omega relationships... it was an even greater insult than being an omega "I know that. That's why I want and need your expertise. I don't want to employ staff that will take advantage of omegas. And, Eren. You should know by now, I don't want any other omega. I've dealt with omegas in heat, and their scents are revolting. You're my husband, and even if our vows weren't traditional, I meant everything. Has this been bothering you? You thinking I wouldn't spend your heat with you?" Eren wiped at his face "Bright Eyes, please. Has it?" "So what if it has?" "Then we should talk about it. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to force you into something you'll regret" "You're my fucking husband. If I can't spend my heat with you, who can I?" Walking up behind him, Levi guided him into his arms "Eren. You're not spending your heat with anyone other than me. Maybe we should have talked about it earlier, but when have really had time to? Your first heat alone nearly saw you die. I almost begged you to let me spend your heats with you, but I didn't want to put that pressure on you. As for other omegas, I don't want them. I want my husband. My omega" Why did Levi have to be all magical with his warm touches? And why couldn't he see how it looked? A hotel full of sexy omegas in heat... "But..." "But, what?" "I'm not pretty any more. My stomach isn't flat. My arse and hips are huge... my skin's gross... my body is ugly" "You're body isn't ugly. You're not ugly. I love your stretch marks. I love your small tummy. I love your arse, and hips, and thighs. I love sucking your dick, and eating your arse. You giving birth, it hasn't changed that" Eren blushed. How could Levi just say that in the middle of the street?! Where anyone could be listening "If you would let me, I would love to spend your heat with you" "I don't want to fall pregnant" "Then we'll look into contraceptives. As long as your comfortable, that's the main thing" Nuzzling into his neck, Eren swore he could smell arousal on Levi. Personally, he'd been practically limp for weeks, but he supposed that was what happened when you tore right up to your balls. Noticing a rather severe looking woman scowling at them, he pushed Levi away. Confused at first, Levi put two and two together for him "You must be Ms Belmont?" "Mr Ackerman? I wasn't aware that you'd have someone joining you" Probably because no one expected omegas to do anything "This is my husband, Eren" Belmont didn't look impressed "Shall we take a look at the property? Would your, omega, prefer to wait in the car?" "Omega" was practically a sigh of annoyance. Leaving Eren frowning at the woman, while Levi moved between them "My husband will be joining us. We are looking to purchase the property together" "Right. I must warn you, the building hasn't been opened in months, and is being sold in its current condition..." Following Levi up the stairs, he still didn't know what to think about all of this. He didn't particularly want to walk into the hotel, but Belmont could fucking jump if she thought he'd roll over and wait in the car. Waiting for him at the top of the stairs, Levi took his hand "Even if this isn't the place, it's ok" "You wouldn't have chosen it if you didn't like it. I know what you're like, Levi" "Ok. I narrowed it down, and this one seemed most manageable and it's already been cleared of asbestos. It's also in a nicer location" Eren shot him a glare. He wasn't going to be swayed by... holy fuck... there was a fucking chandelier. No. He was definitely not going to be swayed by shiny things "... the interior design was heavily influenced by the art nouveau movement, while the original building its self was erected in 1970..." God. This Belmont woman sucked at her job. Her voice filled with disinterest, despite the fact the power actually fucking worked and things were kind of cool. It'd obviously been broken into, mirrors smashed, and spray painting across walls. Wait... Tugging his husband back, he frowned "1970. That makes it... 54?" Belmont answered his whisper "It does. There was a fire, destroying the top floors, and ultimately destroying the top 4 floors. It was rebuilt 7 years later, operations of the hotel ended in 1996. The property chanced numerous hands since. As I've explained to your husband" Growling softly, Levi whispered "Don't let her get to you..." "I feel stupid" "You're not. I didn't explain everything to you" "Mr Ackerman, would you like to see the evening parlour" Levi nodded, Belmont turn and walking towards the door that read "bar". With her back to them, Levi bowed to him "Eren, would you care to join me in the Evening Parlour?" Levi's phoney accent was more than a little funny. Nodding, his husband lifted his hand, like they did in the old movies when the men led the women to the dance floor "Shall we sip scotch? Or shall it be champagne, my love?" "Man... a bar where omegas can drink safely... I would have got up to so much trouble... if I like, could have" "Maybe we should ditch the bar?" "But... my champagne?" "I'll buy you as much as you like" "Ooooh? You better not tell my husband" "He's a fool. No sane alpha would let you out of their sights" "Mr Ackerman. I am a busy woman. If you're not interested..." Eren covered his snicker. Levi, however, merely took it in his stride "Sorry, we were discussing if this building is suitable for our needs. Like I said. We are interested in buying a property together. If my husband isn't satisfied, I'm not" Eren looked away. Knowing he was being swept away by Levi. This was an absolutely massive project, that he really couldn't see happening. But his words has also come back to haunt him. He had told Levi he'd support him, so he had to push aside his hatred of Belmont "Yes. Of course. As I was saying, this is the Evening Parlour" The hotel was nice in its own way. The bathrooms were kind of gross from disuse, but Eren fully supported the idea of a shower over a bath. It'd help with cramping during heat, and he loved the older style of bath with its big claw feet. The rooms had been stripped, and needed a complete makeover... but they'd fit a double bed, and a fridge... No. Nope. He was getting swept away again. It was hard to keep looking at the hotel so objectively. After the bar, they'd headed to the top floor. He hated the modern feel of it, but again, there was a but. Levi had so many ideas for the space. Talking about how they could live there. Eren didn't have the heart to tell him no. Yes. It was way bigger than their apartment, with plenty of natural light, or there would have been if the windows weren't crusted with dust. When he imagined Levi's personal hell, it was a dusty and grimy place like this... and they reached his personal hell. Joining into the kitchen was a basement. The moment he saw the steps leading down into an inky blackness, his chest seized. Levi hadn't mentioned there would be a basement... and he could have decked his husband for it "Eren?" Backing away, he bolted back through the hotel. Not stopping until he was heaving his guts up by the front steps. It'd been years... he shouldn't be this weak. He shouldn't feel so fucking afraid of a stupid room... but he was. It was he'd been bathed like smell of dirty water and decomposing rat. He'd never been this angry with Levi before. He hadn't warned him. He hadn't said anything. He'd let him wander around in the kitchen before fucking springing it on him... All he had to do was tell him... A creepy abandoned building with a creepy fucking basement. He... if he'd been... would Levi have left him down there? Spiralling, Eren collapsed down onto the sidewalk. Clutching his chest as he shook his head. Levi wouldn't lock him down there. Levi wouldn't leave him to die. He wouldn't.... but... Whining deeply, he called for his alpha. He couldn't fucking breathe "Fuck" Whining again for Levi, his husband appeared. Taking his face in his hands, Eren knew he was supposed to focus on his breathing, and that he was supposed to focus on Levi. He was just too fucking scared to "Bright Eyes, you've got to breathe for me. You're ok. You don't have to go down there... I'm not going to make you go down there" "You... never... fucking... said..." "I know. I know. I'm sorry. I didn't think it'd be just there" Levi had known. Feeling like he couldn't breathe, he tried to push Levi back. It wasn't just that he couldn't breathe, it was the awful feeling that came before vomiting. Levi's shoes catching the brunt of it "Let it out. I'm sorry..." Fuck Levi and his wonderfully soft nature. He was angry at the arsehole... and shouldn't he be mad that his shoes were now ruined "I'm going to lock up now. Talk things through with your... husband. You have the office number" Fucking Belmont. He didn't appreciate her seeing him like this, but at least she was fucking off. Even Levi didn't reply to her. With his chest heaving, she'd long since left before his breathing came back under control. Brushing Levi off, Eren rose to his feet "Eren?" "I don't want to talk to you right now. I want to go home" "Eren..." "I want to go home, Levi" The drive home was short, long and awkward all at the same time. Eren exhausted as fine tremors continued to run through his body. Trailing behind Levi, he felt weak and useless, and definitely not in the mood for Hanji as Levi let them into the apartment. Ignoring everything she said, he headed straight for the shower, determined to get the stink of stale water of his skin. Even he'd been taken back by how badly he'd reacted to a fucking doorway... Levi would probably want to talk about it. He'd probably even call Krista, and dob him over his meltdown... Fuck. He'd been letting himself get swept away. He wanted to scream out his frustration... Unfortunately, "fuck" wasn't a child friendly word, though it was barely seen as swearing these days. God. He'd reacted so badly. What was he supposed to say? "Yeah. Ok. Maybe I liked the hotel a little, but I don't know about living there, and hey, yeah. That basement, not happening". Like he could say that. Levi would try to make him see the positives. The space was big enough to take in omegas, and have Hanji's clinic like Levi had dreamed out... Maybe it was a good building... and he was what wasn't good? It was all too confusing. He needed a nap, and to calm down... He couldn't think, and he couldn't process anything at the moment. * It was only a few days after they'd visited the hotel that Eren managed to surprise him. His husband had been so upset that he hadn't expected his omega to bring up the shelter again so soon. Especially with the hell of a nightmare Eren had had after they'd returned home. His husband had gone to nap, while Levi had been lectured by Hanji over how distress Eren had been. It wasn't like he could admit he'd scared his husband with an open door, and a set of stairs. It wasn't that long after he'd sent Hanji out to buy dinner that Eren had woken screaming. Rushing into their bedroom, his omega was drenched in sweat and throwing up. Trying to bring Eren back to reality, he received a split lip, before being kicked in the chest, then Eren had escaped. Falling backwards off their bed, with a loud thud. Three damn days later, it still hurt. Coming out of their bedroom, Eren dropped down next to him with a sigh. Slinging his legs over his, Eren sighed again, as he rested his head against the sofa cushion. Levi turning off the TV, so give his omega his full attention "What's wrong?" "I want to talk" "About what?" "The hotel. I won't go in there. Not when there's a door on that basement. But... if you want this to happen, then I want to support you. But I'm not going back in there..." "Eren. I'm sorry, I didn't think it would scare you so badly" "I told you I couldn't..." Eren shook his head, before continuing "...Well it did. But I'm trying to think about all of this... without the basement. If you want to move ahead with this, then I'll support you. But that basement, it either has to go, or the door to it has to. And there have to be lights on down there all the time. And I'm not going down there" "You're ok, with going through with this?" "I was so fucking scared. But. Then I started thinking... Maybe if they'd had somewhere they could dump without any one asking questions... Maybe things would have been different?" Nick had to have had shelters under his control, in order to find his victims. Eren's foster parents could have dumped him and deserted him any time they would have liked... "I hate what you went through" "I finally have a good life. I'm not happy all the time, but it's good. And Nick, his money, I don't want it. He hurt so many omegas and nothing will make up for it, ever. I don't want to be cleaning up his mess" "We're not going to be. Shelters exist... this is just another one, but we're going to do it how they all should have been done" "I don't want my name on anything visible in the shelter. I don't want people I don't know, knowing me. Or, at least, anyone else. I just wanted to make things better for someone..." "And we can. But I can't do that, if you don't want this too" "I've thought about this really hard. And, I've made my choice. I'm going to give you 6 months. You have 6 months to sort this project out, and to follow it. But. If it impacts our family. Or if you're working too hard and the kids are suffering because of it, I'm leaving you" Levi blinked... 6 months wasn't exactly a lot of time when dealing with government agencies that liked to take their time to reply "Eren..." "No. You have 6 months, Levi. And I refuse to enter that hotel, until that door is gone and the place is cleaned through. I don't want to meet people from agencies. They're not going to help you, if they're busy judging me" "Eren. You're more than an omega. You're my husband. I want to do this, with my husband" "I'm telling you my counter offer. I might be stupid, and naive to how the world works, but I never know what to say. That's why you make the first contact. I don't know how to reach out and do that. And no red. None at all. Red and a basement, is asking for a horror story" "I don't want a horror story" "No "Shining" shit either. I fucking hate that movie" "No "redrum". Ok. I've looked at few other buildings, if you want to take a look?" This was supposed to be something for both of them. He's honestly thought Eren would be more into it all, but then again, to Eren it was all just a lousy hotel with a basement "No. This is your project. I need to work on me. And Viren's going to be starting daycare next year. I want him to be socialising, and having fun. Hanji's already half way through her pregnancy, and will be finishing up in 6 weeks, so if you're serious about her starting a clinic, you organised that with her..." "I have other papers, and ideas..." "And when you know what's what, then you'll tell me. I don't want to get invested for it to turn into nothing" "Ok... I would still like your name on the building deed. I know you don't want to be on papers and stuff, but I want this for both of us... I want the world to know that you're a strong omega, and that you're my husband" "And what happens if I'm on the deed?" "Well, it legally means you own realestate" "And?" "And I want you to have things of your own, or even part of them. Like this apartment, I've had you put on the deed to it. If something happens to me, then the apartment is yours. Like the shelter would be yours" "I don't know..." "You don't need to know right now. You can keep thinking about it. I'll answer any of your questions I can. I've also been thinking about the basement. We wouldn't have cameras in the hotel rooms, but we could set them up in the basement. That way you'd be able to everything happening down there" "Do we need cameras?" "We"... Eren said "we"... we had to mean together, right? "Only in case of accidents or assaults. Like I said. None in the rooms, but the foyer in case of angry alphas or betas, and the hallways in case anyone gets hurt. That way, there's evidence of whatever happens" "I don't know if I like the idea of cameras. I don't know if I can feel natural" "Eren, once you get used to them, you won't think about them. Also, it's for our safety, and Hanji's. If she had a violent patient and gets hurt, there needs to be evidence" "The cops won't do anything" Like Floch hadn't done anything... "They will, if we make it so they can't ignore them" "I'll follow you. But seriously, I'm not impressed. I told you I didn't want you staying up" Levi snorted, Eren's eyes narrowing in annoyance "I was watching TV and got distracted. I wasn't working on anything" "So you like TV, more than me?" "No. I didn't say that. It was so bad that I got caught up in it" "You're not making this better for yourself" "Sorry" "You're lucky Titan wanted snuggles, or I would have been out here to growl at you sooner" "You want snuggles?" "I want my husband to be involved in this family" "Point taken. I'm sorry. We can go to bed now?" "It's nearly time for the twins to wake up and demand food" "Rei is good like that" "He is. And don't forget. If you start neglecting the kids, I will leave" "Then I want you to yell at me each time I mess up. I'm serious, Eren. I want to do this for us, but not at the cost of us" "You might end up regretting that" "I might. But I think we've both had lives with far too many regrets. I'm sick of them" "So am I..." Falling silent, Levi couldn't stand the quiet. Eren was obviously thinking about the shelter still. He could tell by the shifting hues of his husband's scent. He'd wanted Eren to help with the interior design plans, but his husband didn't want to, and he needed to respect that. Even if it the mammoth project had just become even bigger for him. Still, he couldn't complain. Eren was respecting his own limits, and choosing for himself to put himself first. Coaxing his husband slowly into his lap, he then rose from the sofa, Eren clinging to him "Levi?! What are you doing?" "You'll be more comfortable feeding Eli in bed, and I've got a bottle to make" "Is it your turn tonight?" "I don't know. But I like the idea of cuddling with the twins" "Mmm... That's better. I know it's hard to find the balance between work and family, but don't go forgetting us" "I won't. I promise you, that I won't" "Good. Now, take me to bed" "I'm on it" * The shelter ended up being a much larger project than Levi had expected, and home life hadn't made it any easier. Viren had fallen off the jungle gym at the park, breaking his left arm. Eren's heat had been an arsehole, hitting a full 3 weeks before it was supposed to... it'd been fucking amazing, messy as hell and both of them had been too exhausted to move the next two days after it ended... with Eren's post heat depression not hitting until after a little medical intervention. They hadn't organised his contraceptive shot in time, so it'd been an emergency call to Mike and two small white pills for his husband. They'd tried to use condoms, but so caught up in each other and the pleasure of going at like rabbits all over the apartment... condoms hadn't always made it on his dick before Eren did. His heat had also hit at the worst time possible, as he'd had to ask Erwin to take over the meetings with the builders and renovators at the site. Erwin having quit, because Mike had quit... when Hanji quit. There was a whole heap of quitting, and a whole heap of input as the shelter project spiralled. Everyone seemed to have their own idea of how things should be, especially fucking Eyebrows, who didn't understand why they wouldn't have a door on the basement, or why they wouldn't have a full alpha staff. How the man managed to make it through the day without dying of stupidity, Levi would never know. When he'd told Eren about Erwin coming onto the project, his husband had straight up said no, not without being on suppressants. As if going without suppressants had ever been a viable option. In December all their plans stalled again as Hanji gave birth to her second daughter. Anna completely in love with her the moment she'd laid eyes on her. Eren being her birthing partner again, because the omega was too polite to say no. Not that he'd minded. He now how two beautiful goddaughters. It'd helped take his mind off of everything, and Levi had enjoyed not being in trouble for working too hard... even though he was sure Eren preferred it when he wasn't home. The omega's mental health was still an issue, but keeping himself busy had helped to a degree. It wasn't like their was a magical cure to depression, anxiety or PTSD, thought medication would have helped, Eren preferred to keep breastfeeding, after his heat. Despite having been given 6 months from the end of July, it was a full year before the dust settled, then another month making sure everything was absolutely perfect... during which time, Levi might have kept the new business sign on the facade finished. He was the only who knew the the name of the organisation he'd established in both his and Eren's names, as well as the only one who knew the new building name as well. Wall Rose didn't shout "omega shelter" to him, so it'd had to go. When things had started looking as if they'd take that long, Levi had made sure to get permission from Eren. The area that had been the "Evening Parlour", had been turned into Hanji's clinic, because getting a licence to serve beverages, and the requirements was too much fucking work... and it wasn't like they really needed a bar. While the top floor had been converted into an apartment twice the size of the one they had, a dance studio for Eren, and a small quarters for overnight staff. Eren might not have wanted to move, but for practicalities sake, it made more sense to Levi to turn into a homely and inviting place, given how much time would be spent there. As it turned out, fate decided for them that they'd be moving into the old hotel. Having kept everything under wraps, Levi finally brought Eren to see the hotel once the rooms were organised. And under the pretence of having his husband make sure everything was in place. Leaving the kids with Hanji, Eren was nervous and fidgety the whole drive. His husband had seen some of the work, on the rare occasions they had meetings that involved both of them signing off due to Eren's name being on the property deed, but his husband hadn't seen the hotel since the front sign went up, and honestly, Levi was more than a little excited to show him. Especially as the title would be so personal to Eren. Parking in front of the building, Levi climbed out the car, before jogging around and opening Eren's door for him. Slapping Levi off of him, though smiling, his husband followed him back around the car "What do you think?" "I think it's white" It was. White with alternating teal and orange window trims... the whole building looking so much more inviting than the hideous yellow "And the sign's covered?" "Yeah. Hanji's been a real in pain the arse over it, but I wanted you to be the first to see" "Why me?" "Because you're my husband... and because I think you'll understand once you see" Being prepared, revealing the sign above the doors meant a short trip up the ladder and pulling off the cloth draped over it. Levi's heart racing as he did. It was worse than pulling off a bandaid, not knowing how badly it would hurt. Ripping the cloth off, he pulled it down as he descended the ladder. Eren letting out a gasp loud enough for him to hear "Lee?! What is this?!" "I know this shelter is for all omegas, but it wouldn't have been possible without your bravery and courage in standing up to Nick" "But... what?! It... Lee..." Smiling at his husband, Levi pulled him into his arms. Both of them staring up at the large white sign "Dancing on The Wind, A safe shelter for all omegas, Operated under The Wings of Freedom Organisation" To the top right side of the Shelter name, two bird silhouettes were painted. One in maya blue, the other orange, with the birds the same as the ones painted along the top of the nursery walls at home. Sinking down in his arms, Eren sobbed against him "Lee... it's perfect..." "I thought so, but if you're already crying over the sign, you're going to cry once you see the mission statement on the door" "Oh... what does it say?" "Why don't we have a look, together?" "I don't know if I can" "I'm pretty sure you can" "I..." "Eren, you came into my life and changed absolutely everything. I can't picture a life without you, and every time you see this sign, I want you to know how much I love you" "I... don't deserve this" Levi smiled fondly, kissing Eren's temple. His husband had a long way to go, but he'd never love another like he loved Eren "Eren, you deserve the whole world. You're my whole world... now, I want to welcome you to our shelter. Our safe place, for all kinds of omegas" Guiding a shaky Eren up the stairs, his husband couldn't stop crying, and unable to read the mission printed on the front door "A refuge in which we leave the labels behind. Empowering, supporting, educating and encouraging omegas to reach their full potential" Eren's fingers traced over the letters, as he sniffled "What does the rest of it say?" "That this is a safe shelter. Unauthorised alphas are not permitted, nor will we tolerate acts of violence towards the omegas on the premises. This is your one and only warning" "Lee..." "Come on. This is just the beginning" Showing Eren around the renovated hotel, Levi was proud. His alpha even prouder. Every little thing he'd chosen had been with Eren in mind, even when it clashed with the requests of the others. They'd been able to cut down on costs with government grants and funding, though he had borrowed against the apartment to make sure they had enough cash to fall back on when inevitable wrinkles showed up. His husband wouldn't go into the kitchen, but that was something to work up to, and Levi was proud that Eren had at least stuck his head in to take a quick look. Working their way up, Levi explained everything to his husband. How the key lock system worked. Where each camera was located. What was in each bathroom, and were extra toiletry supplies were. The blankets were all based on the brands of Eren's favourite and most used, each room was a white canvas, with large cork boards for omegas to pin to posters and such. The third floor had been designed more for omegas staying long term, rather than ones seeking a safe place to spend their heats. Each room also had a blanket that was "gifted" to the user of the room. Something small they could call their own. In the lobby, there was a place for clothes donations, for omegas who had nothing, and they'd been working with a few second hand stores to set up vouchers for omegas who had nothing at all. By the time they reached the top apartment, Eren was babbling about the amazing job they'd all done and how he was sorry for not helping, but incredibly proud of the job they'd done. Saving the dance space for last, Levi showed him the staff quarters. The intercom beside the front door was linked to the the intercom in the room, so the doors could be safely locked at night. From there, he led Eren into the massive apartment. With five rooms, two bathrooms, an open kitchen/dining/ living area, and it's own seperate laundry, it was so much bigger than Levi could have hoped for. The master bedroom was special. Only he and Eren had the keys for it, and Levi had ditched the 4 plain white walls approach. The wall behind the bed was painted in the colours of the ocean. Colours taken from Eren's photos of Paradis Beach. His husband finally snapped when they reached their. Levi found himself pushed down on the queensized bed, as a very happy Eren made his feelings shown... it didn't even matter to his husband that the bed wasn't made. Eren's hands all over him as he rushed to rid him of his clothes. The sex was hard and fast, Eren riding him as he praised him. Outside his heat, Eren still wasn't comfortable showing him his stomach. His husband still struggling with his body, despite it being well over a year since giving birth. Bringing them both to orgasm, Eren was all kisses as he collapsed forward, chest to chest. It's been a while since Eren had truly been this happy about anything, leaving him feeling like was being swept away. It took another round of sex for Eren to be satisfied, not that Levi minded. His omega was absolutely stunning, and when he smiled... he knew he was the luckiest alpha in the world. It wasn't until they'd both come down from their high, that Eren remembered the other room on the floor. His husband begging to know what was behind the door, while Levi was just trying to keep his cool. He was knotted inside Eren, after all. And each wriggle from his perfect mate brought with it the jostling of his knot... and with all the work going into organising the shelter for its grand opening had meant a distinct slump in their sex life... even with two heats, and a half heat since Eren had given birth in their bedroom. Cleaning themselves up. Levi switched to piggybacking Eren around. His husband wouldn't stop pressing kisses to his shoulder as he did... until they reached the dance studio. He knew absolutely nothing about dancing, so had been forced to contact Sasha, who was surprisingly easily brought with food. There were full floor to ceiling length mirrors, as well as two fully fitted stripper poles. The audio system could be linked up to Eren's phone, and the whole room was sound proof. Eren was completely speechless, but Levi wasn't done with the surprises. The hotel was finished, and it was time to plan their proper wedding. Especially now they had the perfect venue, according to Eren. Planning their wedding together took up most of their time after opening the shelter. It took a few days before they had their first omega come in. A timid little woman who'd seen their advertising on social media. As exciting as it was to finally have an actual omega there, the woman had unfortunately been to a bad shelter before. She expected to be hurt or to pay with sex, and it'd taken a whole afternoon with Eren for her to calm and accept that they didn't want anything from her. It wasn't long after that, that they started getting more and more omegas. Especially when Hanji began to openly advertise that her clinic was specialising in omega health, and the health of their children. It wasn't easy. The first medical emergency they'd had left Eren in tears, an abused omega that hadn't even had the strength to get through the doorway. For Eren, it'd been like looking at himself. With everything happening, it wasn't until November that their plans came together, and all that was left was paying off the deposits. Levi over cake completely, but Eren loved sugar and he loved his husband's face lighting up as they'd tried dozens of different flavours. Eren's dream wedding falling on the 14th of January. Viren now 5, and a force to be reckoned with. Hanji hadn't been able to help herself, as she whisked Eren away to organise his tuxedo... and again for his hen's night. Mike had been in charge of Levi's buck's night, leaving Levi feeling like he'd gotten the better deal as they'd gone paint balling, before bar hopping. His buck's night falling the night before Eren's hen's night, so his omega could spend the morning of their wedding dressing without the twins, or Viren, interrupting. Especially Viren. His curious nature had beaten the child proofing of their apartment. He'd even figured out he could drag a chair to the door to undo the chain, and the door bolt. He'd then become particularly fond of letting Titan out. Both twins were also on their feet, being 21 months and 20 months respectively. This time he'd been there for their first babbles word of "mama", and their first steps. Rei surprising them all by beating Eli by a whole two months to "walk". Perhaps that was why Titan was so happy to escape the apartment? Though it never lasted more than a few seconds as he'd meow pathetically to come back in. With the lobby of the hostel as see of white lilies, and the wedding party limited to around 20 or so people, their wedding had been small and intimate. Despite all her efforts, Eren had worn the black tux he'd wanted, and looked exquisite as he had. The smile on his husband's lips was contagious as they renewed their vows, though this time they were the traditionally version. Purely because this wedding was more for everyone else than themselves. Eren didn't want to customise their vows, because he wanted the things they'd said to each other in the hallway of the church, to stay between the five of them... though, Eld and Gunther probably would have forgotten the words anyway... even if they were their witnesses again. Mike was Eren's best man, while Erwin had been his. Viren had been ringbarer, Anna the flower girl, while Hanji was on babysitting duty, given her second daughter, Molly, was still breastfeeding. When the ceremony was finished, the double doors to the dining area were opened wide for the reception. Eren purring so hard that he could barely thank everyone wishing them well. He felt like everything was a dream, and he still wasn't completely sure that the shelter was real. Levi had done such an amazing job, that if he were to wake and find himself back in their apartment, he wouldn't be surprised. Dancing their first dance to a rather unconventional song, Levi couldn't stop kissing Eren. With his husband's arms draped over his shoulders, their were lip to lip as they slow danced. Again... Levi had asked for Sasha's help with the basics. He'd even learned how to do the fancy spins... not that he was bragging about it. Sighing happily, Eren kissed his lips for what must have been the thousandth time that day "Happy, Brat?" "You have no idea. I've got something to tell you" "Mmm? If it's that you love me, I hate to break it to you, but I love you too" "I do love you, but that's not quite it" "Oh?" Lowering his right hand, Eren took his. Pressing it to his stomach with a shy smile "I know it's unplanned. But my heat's late... I took a test this morning and now you're the first person I've told" "You're..." "Yeah. So, I guess we're moving into the hotel..." "Are you... Are you sure?" The twins weren't even two. They'd been careful... especially after Eren's first heat. They kept up with his injections... and he had no idea how this could have possibly happened. Not that he wasn't happy... but he was also fucking terrified. Two hard pregnancies would do that. And even if their relationship was in a much better place, it still wasn't going to be easy... "Yeah, Levi. I still have a whole lot to work through, but I'm pregnant again. You're going to have to get a vasectomy or something. Your come is just too potent" "Would it bother you, if I did?" "No... but can we wait until make an appointment before planning what comes next? We've had false alarms before, and if the pup isn't healthy, I don't think I can go through what we did with Rei" "I wouldn't ask, or expect you to. I know we vaguely talked about it..." "Yeah. But this is it for me. After this baby, I don't want to fall pregnant again... unless it's another boy. I'd love to have a daughter with you" "Eren. No. This is your body. I am not with you for children. Don't look so scared. You're my world. And I understand. As sexy as you are pregnant, we can't have a whole football team" "Well, we probably could. But I don't think I could keep up with it. I'm getting old" "You're getting old? You're only 27 this year" "I'd planned to try for a baby if we hadn't had a girl by the time I hit 30. I still don't know how it happened, but we're good, right?" "We're so much better than where we were with the twins, and I would love to move in here with you. When you're ready" "I'm ready. I'm more than ready. This. All of this. It's my dream come true. Every single thing you do, I fall more and more in love with you" Levi snorted softly "And I keep falling more in love with you. I can't believe we're having another pup" "I know. And it's scary as hell, so I'll be counting on you" "And I'll support you. Like you've supported me" "I don't know. I left all of this to you, and you built a whole building that screams how much you love me" "Because I do" "And we're going to grow old together. We'll be one of those disgustingly loved up old couples that have matching walking frames, and disturb our family with all our kisses" "And all our sex. Just because I'm getting old, doesn't mean I still can't destroy this sweet arse of yours" "I look forward to it... though I expect you to make the effort of riding me, no matter the bad knees and hips" "Like I'd ever say no to that" When their dance came to an end, they did the rounds. Marco and Jean were there, with Mina, Anka and their youngest daughter Tilly. Krista and Ymir were there. With government funding, and Krista's help, they'd been able to find a therapist to work with omegas for "free". Meaning the government was footing the bill for the appointments. Sasha and Connie were there. Sasha giving Eren shit over his sloppy frame while dancing, Connie backing her up as she did. Mike, Erwin and Eld had found some bizarre way to keep their three way relationship going. Gunther had brought a date with him. Levi and Eren both promptly forgetting her name, and softly laughing over it once they'd moved on. Hanji, but they skipped her as Eren had been with her all morning, and she was busy with Molly. Anna, Viren, Rei and Eli were "dancing" together. There were a few other people from Levi's days a paramedic, and a few from Eren's dance days. And the numbers were rounded out by a few omegas they had in their care. Eren had done the rounds to carefully explain that they were having their wedding there, and to invite all of them to celebrate. Some were too scared, but it was nice to see a couple had braved coming down. They'd taken on a massive task. A task Levi never thought they would. He'd never wanted to be responsible for people's lives, even as a paramedic. It was a stupid thing to think, but the deaths of Isabel and Farlan had been the start of his chance. He'd been stuck in his seed pod until Eren had come along, and helped him grow, before blooming. Not that he'd say any of that shit like that. He had his pride after all... and fuck. He was so fucking proud. Looking around and drinking in the sight of everyone having a good time, he wrapped both arms around Eren. Staring into his bright green eyes, as he kissed him softly. Yeah. He was so fucking proud of what they'd achieved, and excited to see how Eren surprised him next. Eren was right. Things weren't always perfect, they fought, they yelled and screamed, and both still had nightmares... but he was still so fucking proud. With Eren by his side, they could change the world.