#also you need to develop the impulse to look something up if you don't understand it instead of ignoring it

[super-paper]

Rereading the early chapters of MHA, and tbh I think we can pin this scene as the exact moment Tomura develops his fixation on Izuku.

Everyone in this scene assumes that All Might doesn’t need any help and starts wandering off, leaving All Might to face Kurogiri and Tomura alone. Izuku is the only one to intervene, "offering help that no one asked for." Of course, Izuku is the only one with actual insight into All Might’s condition and realizes that he's in danger— but from Tomura’s perspective, Izuku is some rando kid that's throwing himself into danger to help someone who doesn’t appear to need any help. And the emphasis on everyone else being willing to just sit back and do nothing while All Might handles everything is something we know ties directly to one of Tomura’s biggest traumas:

Tomura: "Don't just watch. Help Me. Someone please look at me. Don't just tell me not to cry. Don't just smile and pretend that everything is alright. Don't pretend you don't see me." MHAReddit: Ah, I understand-- obviously, the series is saying that Tenko is dead and we can beat this guy by punching him harder! :)

I gotta stress that Shouto and Co. are kids and I'm not faulting them for deciding to let an adult handle the situation (and I don't doubt in the slightest that they would have also chosen to intervene if they were privvy to the same information abt Toshinori's health as Izuku)-- but from Tomura's perspective where he holds pretty much everyone equally responsible for society's failings, this act was enough for him to start subconsciously singling Izuku out.

Meanwhile, the sports festival just reinforces Tomura's budding interest bc it reinforces that Izuku is actually batshit crazy and Tomura's response to this is to ask ".... how crazy we talkin'? 👀"

Oh, Izuku, you were definitely gonna get kidnapped at some point 😭

Anyway, stuff like this is also why I feel that Horikoshi likely planned on having Izuku save Tomura from the very beginning (And I've seen ppl argue that Hori had planned to have Tomura be the final boss and get defeated/killed because of Nine's existence, but let's be real-- Nine was an AFO expy parading around in a Yoichi expy's body and ya'll know it). There's a lot of set up for why Izuku is ultimately the best person to save Tomura scattered throughout the early stages of the manga, like, literally starting from the very first page:

Izuku: *crying the biggest and ugliest tears mankind has ever seen, snot pouring out of his nose, sweating a frankly concerning amount, and fighting back his own tears because he just can't ignore the tears of others* I GOTTA SAVE THAT CRYING BOY....!!! Shigaraki Tomura, famously a freak, inching himself closer to Midoriya Izuku's splash zone with every chapter: ....... :) :) :)

Izuku saves others despite being a sobbing, snotty, sweaty mess--often times while he's being a sobbing, snotty, sweaty mess. It's antithetical to All Might and Nana's beliefs about saving others with a smile and about cultivating an "image"/"mask" meant to reassure others-- but that's not a bad thing, and the whole series is built around showing us why it isn't a bad thing.

Izuku cannot separate his own inherent humanity and desires from his heroism and is driven by impulse/ego/pain the same way Tomura is. He remains a crybaby who wears his emotions on his sleeve throughout the entirety of the manga-- and the lesson he ultimately learns isn't that he should "just stop crying and hide all his fear behind a smile," it's that he shouldn't run from that aspect of himself because it's the part of himself that allows him to empathize with others. Izuku saves a piece of himself every time he gives his all to save those who are in tears, and he's become the exact type of hero who would've given it his all to save his child self.

This might not be the sort of hero Izuku fantasized about being-- but it's exactly the sort of hero Tomura needs after a lifetime of having his own tears downplayed and ignored by everyone.

on that note, the anime having Tenko and Izuku's "masks" basically evaporating to reveal their soft, sparkly, shoujo-y centers in that one season 6 OP remains one of the most on-point visuals the anime has ever given us lmfao. can't wait to see what they do for s7.....!

#sophie.txt #midoriya izuku #shigaraki tomura #just rambling a bit so this post doesn't have much in the way of direction/cohesion. no matter...........!!! #mha.txt

[aspd-culture]

Contributing to the conversation, I think it’s, I’m gonna be honest, more likely that emotional abuse would boost the chances of aspd forming because children as a demographic are routinely gaslit, emotionally abused, dehumanized, and treated as property both by their caregivers (be they family, guardians, or teachers) or peers (other kids in school). Being dehumanized routinely as a child and thinking this is all you are to others, it would make sense that being on the receiving end of ‘antisocial treatment’ (as in, things that would prohibit social camaraderie and communal relations) would contribute to an antisocial mindset that persists in life.

Aspd is very specifically also a heavy impulse-based disorder too, underdeveloped frontal lobe and prolonged emotional trauma before the healthy development of that lobe that manages impulse control in social settings met with emotional abuse, it’s probably also why a lot of kids who do develop aspd could also end up with an exception for the person who treated them like a person but one person obviously cannot offset All of the damage the rest of their environment caused. I think aspd is perhaps somewhat more underdiagnosed *because* people don’t provide a lot of support to pwaspd when they’re adults because the adult with aspd has so thoroughly alienated themselves through their disorder that people just don’t care if they get help or communal care. Because it’s easier to just let pwaspd fall through the cracks because they’re “evil” and “don’t deserve it”.

So now you have someone who has spent their entire lives being proven left and right that they’re not cared about so “why the fuck should they care about anyone else, care is obviously conditional on my behavior and even when I mask, I’m not good enough”. Anyways, yeah, I absolutely think prolonged emotional abuse is absolutely a valid and understandable cause of aspd when we look at how we treat kids.

On the one hand, there is a lot here I completely agree with, but I do have some points I feel there is more to/have some nuance/etc.

So yeah, absolutely agree that emotional abuse seems a much more likely culprit for the development of ASPD than others (assuming of course that we're putting these in a vacuum, because realistically most children suffering other types of abuse likely experience emotional abuse as well. Not arguing with that at all. The reasons you mention here all make a lot of sense to me, and I want to add that one known to be a big one is teasing; many researchers believe that specific experience is very damaging to a child at risk of developing ASPD. Part of that is what you mentioned - the gaslighting and general disregard for the trauma teasing can cause and the hurt associated with it makes the child feel like they will not be protected in other situations. Because the child doesn't see this the way the adults do - as something "trivial", unimportant, and incomparable to "real" trauma - they don't realize that the adults involved would respond differently to other types of pain. They just believe, given their experience, that the adults will always minimize and disregard the problems they come to them with and therefore do not bother to ask for the help they know they won't get in the future. This creates the need to be self-sufficient and protect yourself and, without intervention from adults, the ways to do that are limited and generally either violent or manipulative. Children dealing with any type of disregard for their problems may also learn that they can manipulate the adults into reacting the way they need them to - a seemingly helpless, caring, "gentle", naïve, etc. child will get more help than the average one - and take that as a normal part of life.

I'd argue that dehumanization is less related to ASPD personally, not in that it can't be but in that it isn't a specific risk factor. Generally, that dehumanization of children is universal not pointed, and the child will see that children are treated like this, but adults are not, and that will stick in their development as it does to all children. The things that are generally considered large risk factors for ASPD's development are things that lead the child to believe will be a problem their entire life, and therefore their brain develops to tolerate that. An example here is that all children deal with restrictions and rules older children and adults do not have, and cannot do things older children and adults can do. They see this and rather than learn it as an issue with society, they simply become impatient to grow up. Dehumanization is a serious trauma that arguably most kids deal with, and it needs to be addressed and fixed for the good of children as a whole, but I don't think it specifically lends itself to ASPD if that is the only kind of emotional abuse the child is dealing with (again, putting these things in unrealistic vacuums for the purpose of this conversation). Now there is a MAJOR exception to this:

Dehumanization that goes to demonization absolutely is a heavy risk factor for ASPD. If you treat a child like they are all bad, or even actually call them a demon/devil/terror/etc. frequently and consistently enough, especially if they hear you doing it behind their back to other people, then they will take that in as a part of their identity. Children don't understand the fluidity of identity, which is why their current interest will always become their favorite thing, their answer to "what do you want to be when you grow up" will be intense and certain yet change every few days/weeks, etc. so when you identify them as a bad kid or worse, then they will behave that way because they think that is what they are supposed to be. This attempt at correcting a child's behavior generally leads against its own goal and makes the child believe you *want* them to be bad because that is what you told them they are. But the general dehumanization of children is honestly an overall societal problem and considering how low the prevalence of ASPD is (even accounting for under-diagnosis), I think it's probably not a leading factor. That's just personal opinion though, a good portion of my response to this ask is.

It's really important to me that we address the belief that impulse control issues are inherent to and a major part of ASPD, because that genuinely is not the case. While it is a part of the diagnostic criteria, I'd like to point out that only 3/7 of those need to apply, and impulse control doesn't need to be one of them. Allow me to explain why this is important to me before anyone writes off this please, because this one actually is not opinion based. ASPD is well known to be a disorder heavily based on trauma in the overwhelming majority of cases - purely genetic ASPD without any trauma exists but is not common at all afaik. Discussing the majority who are traumatized, it's important to note that a lot of types of trauma *do not allow for impulse control issues*, at the expense of the child's safety and emotional/physical wellbeing. It is dangerous for a child dealing with trauma bad enough to cause a personality disorder to not be able to control themselves, and part of what ASPD is is a means of self-preservation in the face of a seemingly hostile, dangerous, and uncaring world/society. Thus the symptoms we see in ASPD - aggression, defensiveness, self-sufficiency, distrust of others, manipulation, lying, charisma, etc etc etc - are things that would have kept the child safer and get them ahead. For the children who were at risk if they were not able to control impulses, that symptom has quite a low chance of developing. Therefore, I don't think it's fair to say that that is an inherent part of ASPD. Our understanding of the neurology of ASPD is also very undeveloped - all research of ASPD up to and including current has been and continues to be biased and ableist, specifically mostly including inmates imprisoned for long sentences due to violent crimes, especially extreme ones and repeat offenders. This is naturally going to lead to the idea that ASPD is always or almost always associated with poor impulse control - because your average person with ASPD is not going to be included in these studies to get an accurate representation. Until we do get a largely unbiased understanding of ASPD, I don't think we can decisively say anything about the neurology of it, and I've seen several researchers and mental health professions alike agree with the idea that we don't know anything conclusive about that at this point for various reasons, including admittedly the lack of cooperative response many pwASPD would give a study like that.

I also have some notes on the issue of underdiagnosis, because I think it's based in a similar concept to what you said, but for the opposite reason. The people most likely to be diagnosed with ASPD are ostracized and isolated, as far as I've seen. The problem with underdiagnosis really comes in with the opposite type of ASPD which may well be the majority. That is the people who have crafted a seemingly normal adjustment to life and society - people who have friends (whether they're actual friends or just a front to seem normal), have healthy or at least long-term relationships of some variety, seem caring and kind, and are generally either well-liked or at least have no more effect on the people around them than neutral. It's not the ones who have been mistreated and openly get dismissed as bad and evil even into adulthood who don't get diagnosed, it's those of us who *don't* fit that stereotype. It's something a lot of us fight tooth and nail to get people to understand; I'm aware I seem empathetic and caring but that is both possible for pwASPD to learn to be and possible to fake. It is that dismissal and demonization of pwASPD that leads to diagnosis - but not from the people being demonized or dismissed by society.

All in all I don't entirely disagree with any point you make here and I think all of it is an important piece of the discussion of the risk factors of ASPD, but I think this understanding is missing a good amount too.

Plain text below the cut:

On the one hand, there is a lot here I completely agree with, but I do have some points I feel there is more to/have some nuance/etc.

So yeah, absolutely agree that emotional abuse seems a much more likely culprit for the development of ASPD than others (assuming of course that we're putting these in a vacuum, because realistically most children suffering other types of abuse likely experience emotional abuse as well. Not arguing with that at all. The reasons you mention here all make a lot of sense to me, and I want to add that one known to be a big one is teasing; many researchers believe that specific experience is very damaging to a child at risk of developing ASPD. Part of that is what you mentioned - the gaslighting and general disregard for the trauma teasing can cause and the hurt associated with it makes the child feel like they will not be protected in other situations. Because the child doesn't see this the way the adults do - as something "trivial", unimportant, and incomparable to "real" trauma - they don't realize that the adults involved would respond differently to other types of pain. They just believe, given their experience, that the adults will always minimize and disregard the problems they come to them with and therefore do not bother to ask for the help they know they won't get in the future. This creates the need to be self-sufficient and protect yourself and, without intervention from adults, the ways to do that are limited and generally either violent or manipulative. Children dealing with any type of disregard for their problems may also learn that they can manipulate the adults into reacting the way they need them to - a seemingly helpless, caring, "gentle", naïve, etc. child will get more help than the average one - and take that as a normal part of life.

I'd argue that dehumanization is less related to ASPD personally, not in that it can't be but in that it isn't a specific risk factor. Generally, that dehumanization of children is universal not pointed, and the child will see that children are treated like this, but adults are not, and that will stick in their development as it does to all children. The things that are generally considered large risk factors for ASPD's development are things that lead the child to believe will be a problem their entire life, and therefore their brain develops to tolerate that. An example here is that all children deal with restrictions and rules older children and adults do not have, and cannot do things older children and adults can do. They see this and rather than learn it as an issue with society, they simply become impatient to grow up. Dehumanization is a serious trauma that arguably most kids deal with, and it needs to be addressed and fixed for the good of children as a whole, but I don't think it specifically lends itself to ASPD if that is the only kind of emotional abuse the child is dealing with (again, putting these things in unrealistic vacuums for the purpose of this conversation). Now there is a MAJOR exception to this:

Dehumanization that goes to demonization absolutely is a heavy risk factor for ASPD. If you treat a child like they are all bad, or even actually call them a demon/devil/terror/etc. frequently and consistently enough, especially if they hear you doing it behind their back to other people, then they will take that in as a part of their identity. Children don't understand the fluidity of identity, which is why their current interest will always become their favorite thing, their answer to "what do you want to be when you grow up" will be intense and certain yet change every few days/weeks, etc. so when you identify them as a bad kid or worse, then they will behave that way because they think that is what they are supposed to be. This attempt at correcting a child's behavior generally leads against its own goal and makes the child believe you *want* them to be bad because that is what you told them they are. But the general dehumanization of children is honestly an overall societal problem and considering how low the prevalence of ASPD is (even accounting for under-diagnosis), I think it's probably not a leading factor. That's just personal opinion though, a good portion of my response to this ask is.

It's really important to me that we address the belief that impulse control issues are inherent to and a major part of ASPD, because that genuinely is not the case. While it is a part of the diagnostic criteria, I'd like to point out that only 3/7 of those need to apply, and impulse control doesn't need to be one of them. Allow me to explain why this is important to me before anyone writes off this please, because this one actually is not opinion based. ASPD is well known to be a disorder heavily based on trauma in the overwhelming majority of cases - purely genetic ASPD without any trauma exists but is not common at all afaik. Discussing the majority who are traumatized, it's important to note that a lot of types of trauma *do not allow for impulse control issues*, at the expense of the child's safety and emotional/physical wellbeing. It is dangerous for a child dealing with trauma bad enough to cause a personality disorder to not be able to control themselves, and part of what ASPD is is a means of self-preservation in the face of a seemingly hostile, dangerous, and uncaring world/society. Thus the symptoms we see in ASPD - aggression, defensiveness, self-sufficiency, distrust of others, manipulation, lying, charisma, etc etc etc - are things that would have kept the child safer and get them ahead. For the children who were at risk if they were not able to control impulses, that symptom has quite a low chance of developing. Therefore, I don't think it's fair to say that that is an inherent part of ASPD. Our understanding of the neurology of ASPD is also very undeveloped - all research of ASPD up to and including current has been and continues to be biased and ableist, specifically mostly including inmates imprisoned for long sentences due to violent crimes, especially extreme ones and repeat offenders. This is naturally going to lead to the idea that ASPD is always or almost always associated with poor impulse control - because your average person with ASPD is not going to be included in these studies to get an accurate representation. Until we do get a largely unbiased understanding of ASPD, I don't think we can decisively say anything about the neurology of it, and I've seen several researchers and mental health professions alike agree with the idea that we don't know anything conclusive about that at this point for various reasons, including admittedly the lack of cooperative response many pwASPD would give a study like that.

I also have some notes on the issue of underdiagnosis, because I think it's based in a similar concept to what you said, but for the opposite reason. The people most likely to be diagnosed with ASPD are ostracized and isolated, as far as I've seen. The problem with underdiagnosis really comes in with the opposite type of ASPD which may well be the majority. That is the people who have crafted a seemingly normal adjustment to life and society - people who have friends (whether they're actual friends or just a front to seem normal), have healthy or at least long-term relationships of some variety, seem caring and kind, and are generally either well-liked or at least have no more effect on the people around them than neutral. It's not the ones who have been mistreated and openly get dismissed as bad and evil even into adulthood who don't get diagnosed, it's those of us who *don't* fit that stereotype. It's something a lot of us fight tooth and nail to get people to understand; I'm aware I seem empathetic and caring but that is both possible for pwASPD to learn to be and possible to fake. It is that dismissal and demonization of pwASPD that leads to diagnosis - but not from the people being demonized or dismissed by society.

All in all I don't entirely disagree with any point you make here and I think all of it is an important piece of the discussion of the risk factors of ASPD, but I think this understanding is missing a good amount too.

#tw abuse #tw child abuse #aspd-culture-is #aspd culture is #aspd culture #actually aspd #aspd #aspd awareness #actually antisocial #antisocial personality disorder #aspd traits #anons welcome

[littlemoonastrology]

All About: PISCES ♓︎ - The Zodiac Signs

This post will cover all the basic information needed to understand Pisces, the twelfth Zodiac Sign!

Take a look at my other posts to see information on All 12 Zodiac Signs!

If you feel like this post has helped you feel free to Follow, Like Reblog or Repost (as long as I'm credited!).

~

Would you like a Reading? Head over to my Ko-Fi Shop!

~

Pisces ♓︎

Date (Only applies to Sun Signs): February 19 - March 20

Symbol: ♓︎ - The Fish

Associated House: Twelfth

Associated Degrees: 12°, 24°

Associated Energy: Feminine

Planetary Ruler(s): ♆ Neptune (Modern) and ♃ Jupiter (Traditional)

Element: Water

Modality: Mutable

Keywords: Creative, Healing, Visionary, Balanced, Moralistic, Brave

Pisces friends are almost always ready to help out a friend and may have a very healing energy associated with them. They're very creative, moralistic and willing to share their opinions over a variety of subjects. This placement may also be incredibly balanced - able to navigate emotional situations with great efficiency and highly prioritise their sense of peace and stability. Pisces may be drawn to artistic, humanitarian, intellectual or healing projects in order to further develop themselves. Often, this sign has very strong ideals and can be a great advocate to those in need as well as themselves. Some people view Pisces placements as cowardly and lazy, but in all honesty they have got to be some of the most brave and selfless people - committed to developing themselves, networking and providing a sense of safety and healing for themselves and others.

However, this may not be the most easy for Pisces placements. As healing as they can be, they may also have tendencies to be instigators of drama or run away from taking accountability - specifically if they are unsettled. This can either manifest as some kind of aggression or passivity (or attracting it in life). For a Pisces placement to truly move on from unhealthy situations they may find they need to distance themselves completely and set boundaries in situations which don't serve them - especially if this is something like a relationship (getting hung up on the past with someone then communicating with them a couple years later for example). The past often does not serve well for this placement, but instead a learning opportunity.

When anxious (if they are not balanced) like they have been caught doing something (or done something they regret), they may be quite deceitful out of fear which can be quite manipulative. Often times they don't realise this and feel guilty when confronted. However, this may not just be them being deceitful - maybe someone tried to deceive them (for example about a person) to start drama and this caused them to feel unsettled, causing some kind of rift and anger. In extreme cases, a Pisces may become quite verbally, emotionally or physically aggressive and resort to threats to regain a sense of stability (although like I said, this is an extreme case).

When a Pisces feels at peace and is developing themselves (for example with fashion, art), during this process they may start to put less effort in or limit themselves to different possibilities (maybe becoming fixated on an idea or becoming very impulsive). It's important for Pisces to protect their peace, but not to the point they limit themselves to their own comfort zone. They must prioritise learning to some degree, whether that is through research (or another means of learning) or teaching other people a skill they have learnt.

~

Notes/Keywords/Phrases

Zodiac Sign

Each of the Zodiac Signs are a constellation. The Zodiac Sign shows how a Planet/Asteroid/Fixed Point/House is being represented and expressed. Once a Planet/Asteroid/Fixed Point/House falls into a Zodiac Sign, it adopts the energy of it.

For example: if Mercury falls into the constellation Sagittarius, Mercury adopts Sagittarian traits. If the 6th House falls into the constellation Aquarius, the 6th House adopts Aquarian traits.

Associated House

The Houses in Astrology are dependent on the time and location of birth in a Natal Chart and there are 12 different ones. Each of these 12 Houses are then assigned to a Zodiac Sign and 1 or 2 Planetary Rulers. The Houses in Astrology show you what area of life the energy of the Zodiac and Planets/Asteroids/Fixed Points is appointed to and helps provide depth into the chart.

For example: Capricorn's Associated House is the 10th House.

Associated Degrees

When a Planet/Asteroid/Fixed Point/House falls into a Zodiac Sign constellation, it will be appointed a Degree. This Degree shows how far along the Planet/Asteroid/Fixed Point/House is in a Zodiac Sign. Each Degree is also associated with a Zodiac Sign, meaning when this Degree comes up it can nuance the way the Zodiac Sign of a Planet/Asteroid/Fixed Point/House is being represented.

For example: Mars is 6° in the Zodiac Cancer, 6° represents Virgo - therefore the Cancer Mars also takes on Virgo traits. The 2nd House is 23° in the Zodiac Scorpio, 23° represents Aquarius - therefore the 2nd House in Scorpio takes on Aquarian traits.

Planetary Ruler(s)

This phrase refers to the Planet(s) that rule a Zodiac Sign. When a Planet falls into the Zodiac Sign it has rulership over, the energy of both the Planet and the Zodiac Sign is amplified.

For example: Pisces' Planetary Ruler is Neptune.

Modern / Traditional

These words are associated with two kinds of Astrology: Modern Astrology and Traditional Astrology. Traditional Astrology refers to Astrology that was practiced before the 19th century, whilst Modern Astrology refers to Astrology that is practiced now. Some people choose to practice Traditional Astrology, some people choose to practice Modern Astrology, whilst some others might practice both types or combine them together.

Element

Each Zodiac Sign/Planet/House/Degree is associated with an Element and this covers certain traits which are unique to the Zodiac Sign/Planet/House/Degree they correspond to.

These Elements are: Fire, Air, Water and Earth.

Modality

Much like an Element, each Zodiac Sign/Planet/House/Degree is associated with a Modality. The Modality describes what the focus of a placement is and how the energy is expressed.

There are 3 different Modalities: Cardinal, Mutable and Fixed.

#astrology #astronomy #astro observations #astro notes #astro community #tropical astrology #birth chart #aries #modality #Element #natal chart #astrology degrees #astrology houses #zodiac #zodiac signs #astrology community #astrologer #psychology #spirituality #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces

[orcasoul]

Reckless

Summery: Joel and reader are paired up as patrol partners. Both have suppressed feelings for each other. He's frustrated with her sometimes impulsive actions and she's fed up of his coldness towards her. After an almost fatal encounter during a supply search they both admit their feelings for one another.

Warning's: Swearing, angst, infected attack, age gap (reader is in her late 30's and Joel is in his late 50's), Use of Y/N.

"Stay close and don't do anything reckless!" Joel turned to you and gave you a look that left no room for arguments. You rolled your eyes and in a mocking voice replied "Yes sir," with a salute. Joel rolled his eyes in return before turning away. You can't help the smirk growing across your face, knowing how much it bugs him when you do that. But you can understand why he felt the need to say it. You wouldn't admit he was right when he accused you of acting before thinking sometimes, but there are times when risks are worth taking and you'd never willingly put yourself in a risky situation if you weren't confident you could handle it. You and Joel have been patrol partners for two months now, since you happened to stumble across Jackson on your way to..... nowhere, really. You were just existing at that point and so close to giving up until you were fortunate enough to cross paths with one of Jackson's patrol groups, and were welcomed into the community. They'd given you a purpose again so you took your patrols very seriously, wanting to do all you could to serve your community and prove yourself as a valuable member of Jackson.

At first your patrols with Joel were a little awkward. The man hardly spoke, unless it was to give you orders, or to voice his displeasure of being "stuck with a kid" on patrol. Kid! I guess to a grumpy 56 year old dinosaur a 37 year old is a kid, you once scoffed mentally. "I'm not here to babysit. I'm here to show you the ropes so you can do your part efficiently, got it?" Joel gruffed at you from his horse on your first patrol. "Good thing I don't need a babysitter then," you snapped back, glaring at him. Joel huffed and rolled his eyes. "Look you'd better be able to handle yourself out here because you're not my problem and I'm not gonna make you my problem, Okay?" "Jesus Christ" You muttered to yourself. You now spoke louder so he could hear you. "If I couldn't handle myself I'd have been dead a long time ago. I don't need a protector and you and I know damn well I wouldn't be assigned to patrol if the council didn't deem me capable. So how about we just get on with the task at hand, eh?"

Joel turned back around on his horse, letting out an annoyed mumble. The truth was he'd already made you his "problem" and he didn't like it one bit! He'd caught the odd glimpses of you when you'd first arrived at Jackson and was immediately struck, not only by how beautiful you are but also by the look of disbelief written across your face. A feeling he knew all too well. Shock and awe, that a place like this could exist. A piece of heaven in a hellish world, he'd once described it, and if this was heaven then you must be an angel. After a few brief chats with you (well actually Tommy and Maria did most of the talking while he mostly just sat and listened to how sweet and genuine you came across) he knew then that you were different to other women he had known. There was just something about you. It was ridiculous! He hadn't felt this way about a woman in over twenty years, and he sure as hell wasn't going to start acting like a love-struck teenager at 56. So he decided it was best to push down any feelings he had developing and keep you at arms length.

And that's what he did. He barely spoke to you and quickly shut down any conversation you tried to strike up with him. After a few weeks he'd noticed you'd stopped trying. A part of him felt that maybe he was being too harsh and probably came across as an asshole but he couldn't allow himself to get too close to you. The more people you care for, the more you have to lose, besides it's not like someone as sweet and beautiful as her would be interested in a middle aged grump, he'd keep reminding himself when he felt like letting you in. So he did what he does best; He built a wall and hid behind it. At first Joel's stand-offish attitude irked you but you thought if you were going to be partners you'd at least try to get him to loosen up. Maybe he just needs me to take the first step and initiate the conversations, you mused. But after a few weeks of trying and being met with short answers and gruffs you realised you weren't going to get anywhere with him, so you just accepted the silence that mostly accompanied your patrols.

You tried to convince yourself that it didn't bother you but truthfully it did. And you knew why, even if you refused to think about the reason too much, trying to distract yourself whenever your thoughts went "there". You were attracted to him, had been since you met him. Even though he didn't speak much, something in his eyes and the way he looked at you ignited a desire and a need for this quiet, but extremely handsome man. You wondered if he was like this with everyone. He had a good twenty years on you so maybe he'd just seen a lot more horrors than you. Horrors that have no doubt moulded him into this brooding entity of a man. He also seemed to have had a lot more encounters with infected than you have, if the rumours were anything to go by, and they were probably true otherwise he wouldn't be alive now. So giving his experience you decided to mostly follow his orders while on patrol. Better safe than sorry, eh?

Today's patrol was going to be somewhat different than the usual checking and resetting of traps and scanning the area for trouble. You'd both been sent out to a small town about four miles to the east of Jackson, to a veterinary surgery to pick up some medical equipment that had been hidden away by the last patrol group, their bags being to full to take them at the time. You loved Jackson's animal's and since veterinary equipment and supplies were always in short supply this was like hitting the jackpot! Upon arriving you both dismount your horses and tie them up in an overgrown wooded area not far behind the building. Joel quickly sneaked around the building as you followed suit, guns at the ready for any kind of trouble. Peering in through the once glass glass entrance doors it appears the building is empty. "Let's go," you say with confidence as you begin to walk through the door frame, only to be roughly pulled back by Joel's calloused hand on your upper arm.

"What the fuck you doing, Joel?" you scold him as you rip your arm out of his grasp. "What the fuck are you doing?" He shot back angrily. "Just because it's quiet here it doesn't mean there's no infected further inside the building. I'm going first." As he brushes passed you, you can smell hints of sandlewood, earth and something.... Joel like. Damn it, does he have to smell so good? You shake your head to try and rid yourself of the intrusive thought. You hated that whenever he got too close you felt a rush of heat to your core and your heart would beat faster. Sure, you'd known from the moment you'd met him that he's the most handsome man you've ever seen, but you never imagined in a million years he'd be interested in someone so much younger than himself. Not when there were plenty of women his age in Jackson literally fawning all over him every Friday night at the Tipsy Bison.

So for the most part you'd just try to ignore your feelings and focus on your patrol duties with him. Even though sometimes you got the feeling he saw you as a hindrance, sometimes you felt like he hated you, you weren't about to let that get in the way of doing your job. And today is no different. You follow Joel quietly into the surgery, your senses on high alert, looking in every direction. As you pass the front desk you notice leaflets about pet insurance with the most adorable cat and dogs pictures on them, covered in 20 years of dust and mould. You smile sadly, imagining what this place would have been like in it's heyday and how you would have loved to work in a place like this. Focus, you idiot!" you mentally scold yourself, snapping your attention back to the present moment. You follow Joel down the darkened corridor of the building, the only light coming through the windows of rooms with open doors, just enough to see clearly.

Both of your heads scan from left to right as you make your way past the doors, some open, some closed. You'd both been instructed to go to the operating theatre at the back, push the grey cabinet from the wall and you'd find the supplies hidden in a hole behind it. You both approach the theatre slowly and silently. Once you were sure you were alone you closed the door and shrugged off your backpack, dropping it to the floor, as did Joel. "I got this," you say to Joel before he can walk over to the cabinet. As you pushed the cabinet the high pitched sound of metal scraping across the floor made you clench your teeth. To you it was like nails on a chalk board! But that sound was nothing compared to the sound that came next and it made your blood freeze. "SCREECH!" "SCREECH!" "SCREECH!", all at the same time. BANG! BANG! BANG! Both of your heads snap to the rattling door, then back to each other.

"Shit!" Joel cursed. "Hurry, fill the bags and hide." Looking around the large theatre it's evident that there aren't many things to hide behind, just some operating tables and crates. You only manage to fill the bags half full before the door bursts open, slamming against the wall. Joel grabbed your hand and pulled you behind an operating table with him, communicating with his eyes that everything will be okay. He brings a finger to his lips, silently telling you to be quiet. You hadn't realised just how hard you'd been breathing, as your rapid heartbeat had filled your ears with the sound of rushing blood. You take slow, quiet breaths, desperately trying to calm your nerves. You both pull your knives out. Guns are loud and clickers are abnormally fast. If there were only two of them you could take one each, but it's just your luck that there are three of the fuckers, making it too risky to fire your guns. Joel throws his head over his shoulder, gesturing for you to follow, the both of you taking agonisingly slow, crouched steps around the table.

After a series of deafening screeches and clicks, the three clickers began to clumsily stagger around the room, scanning for whatever had caused the noise. As you follow Joel across the room you suddenly realise the backpacks have been left behind. You gently pull on Joel's arm to get his attention and point to the backpacks. Joel looks to where you are pointing but he shakes his head 'no'. The supplies are important, yes, but all that matters to him in this moment is getting you to safety. He can see the silent protest in your eyes and he knows just how stubborn and impulsive you can be. Before you can begin to crawl back to the bags Joel roughly grabs your wrist, pulling you closer "Leave them," his words are barely a whisper. Frustration bubbles within you, leading to anger. You hate having to leave such valuable and needed equipment behind just because these rotting bastards chose now of all times to turn up!

They must have turned up not long after you and Joel entered the building because the previous patrol would have put them down or at least warned you two before hand. Great fucking timing! You think to yourself, sarcastically. You roll your eyes and reluctantly nod, following Joel's lead. He seems so confident in this moment that you wonder how many times he's had to do this in the past, and for the first time since your patrols began you're grateful to have him with you. As you cautiously sneak behind Joel across the room you can't help but notice how broad his shoulders are and you find your gaze heading lower to his ass, his thick thighs, the sliver of skin between his jeans and jacket, now visible because he's crouching..... now's not the time, you quietly chastise yourself.

It's becoming more difficult to navigate the room with these fuckers aimlessly wandering around, and every click and shrill screech makes you freeze for a few moments. Joel seems to sense your unease and he gentle reaches back to take your hand in his. This is the gentlest he's ever touched you, and the sensation of his warm, big hand engulfing yours has your heart racing and butterflies flitting in your tummy. The concern and care he's showing you now is a stark contrast to the usual treatment he gives you.

Joel's heart is in his throat! The door is so close, yet so far. Gripping your shaking hand he slowly leads the way to the open door. As you both approach it he stops and pulls you in front of him to go first, then turning, he grabs the door, slowly moving it so it doesn't make a sound and pulls it ajar. He stand up, shaking out his aching legs one after the other. He turns to you as you stand, brings his hand up to cup your cheek, and whispers "you okay?" You can feel your cheeks heating up at his touch, his intense gaze boring right into the depths of you. Nervously you nod, trying to calm your breaths. It's not the infected that has you breathing heavily this time. Joel's hand slips from your cheek, down your arm and into your hand, linking his fingers through yours. Quietly you both make your way to the entrance doors, the sounds of clicking becoming more distant.

Once outside Joel breathes a sigh of relief while sheathing his knife. This could have ended badly, so badly. Weather you like it or not he has taken on the responsibility to always keep you safe and he would never have forgiven himself if he'd let you get infected or killed. He's pulled from his pensive state when you stop suddenly, releasing his hand. He hates the emptiness he feels in his palm, now that your soft warm touch has abandoned him. "Joel," you mutter as he turns to look at you in confusion. "We can't just leave everything behind. We can't go home empty handed," "Forget it," Joel replied with finality. "We're not going back. I barely got you out of there in one piece." It wasn't lost on you that he'd said you instead of us and it brought a warmth to your heart to know he cared about your safety somewhat. "We wouldn't have stood a chance in there but I'm sure we could handle them from out here. We just have to lure th-" "no!" he cut you off sharply. If he'd been with any other partner they would have dispatched those clickers quickly but he's not going to risk your life.

You huff and narrow your eyes at him. "So what? We just leave them behind because of a few... obstacles? They're too important. we need them." Joel shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "Look, I'll come back with some of the others in a few days. We'll get rid of the infected and grab the supplies," " But they're all over the floor in clear sight. What if raiders come back through here and take them before you can return?" you ask with your hands on your hips and irritation in your voice. "Well then.... they take them," Joel snorted. "Let's get to the horses," he orderd before walking away from you. Sighing, you reluctantly follow, but not before throwing a glance over your shoulder and silently cursing those damned infected for ruining this golden opportunity. Golden opportunity, you thought. Yeah, this is a golden opportunity and how many of them do we get these days? After a few more moments of deliberation you decided it's worth the risk. "Fuck it," you muttered to yourself, slowing your pace behind Joel. He was already quite a way in front of you but you wanted a bit more distance between you two so he wouldn't notice you walking back.

When enough time had passed you slowly turn and make your way back to the surgery. Part of you feels foolish for doing this but damn it, Jackson needs these supplies and you're not going to fail them. You understand it's risky to take on clickers, especially alone but now you have the upper hand. You quickly form a plan as you near the building, grabbing a brick off the ground to use as a distraction. As you cautiously re-enter the surgery you draw your pistol, taking the safety off. Creeping stealthily down the dark corridor, the clicking becomes louder, making you tremble and your adrenaline spike. You silently open the door on your left, doing a quick check to make sure it's empty. A brick to the window will make for a pretty good distraction. Leaving the door wide open you slink to the theatre door, opening it as quietly as you can while trying to keep your breathing calm. The clickers are now almost motionless, swaying like jellyfish in the ocean, with no purpose or goal. You carefully retreat backwards, placing every step as delicately as you can to avoid making any noise, until you are in front of the other door. With your gun ready in one hand you lift the other hand holding the brick, take a deep breath, pray to any god that might be listening, and throw!

Joel knew it didn't make sense to leave the supplies behind and you were probably right to say you could both handle them now that you're outside, having space as an advantage, but in the two months you've been patrolling together you've never come as close to death as you did today and he won't lose another person he cares for, not now, not ever! The more he thought about it, the more he realised that pushing you away doesn't change how he feels about you. He hoped these feelings would fade away over time but if anything, he cares for you now more than ever and today has proven to him just how much you mean to him. Shit, he inwardly groaned while shaking his head. What the hell do i do about this? After a few more moments lost in his thoughts it dawned on him that he can't hear your footsteps behind him anymore.

Spinning on his heel his eyes frantically search the surrounding area for you but you're nowhere to be seen. His heart feels like it's about to bust through his rib cage as fear grips him with an unrelenting force. Before he can call your name the sounds of smashing glass and inhuman screams fill the once silent air. "Y/N!!" Joel screams your name so loudly his throat feels like it's on fire and he makes a desperate sprint for the surgery. A series of shots ring out as he nears the building. Now matter how fast he's running, it feels like he can't get to you fast enough, all the while imagining the worst. Charging through the foyer he hears clicker screeches mixed with your own screams. The sound of your screams absorb deep into his being, fuelling the same fury he felt when he learned what the fireflies were planning to do with Ellie. He rounded the corner of the front desk to the corridor and the world slowed down when he took in the sight of you pinned under a clicker, desperately pushing at it's neck to keep it's face from yours with one hand, and wildly flinging your other arm above your head in a blind search for your knife that is just out of reach.

All rational and deliberate thought abandoned Joel's mind and a primal need to protect possessed him. He lunged toward the clicker, knife drawn, and plunged it deep into it's decaying skull. The horrid, clawing monster became limp and silent before being lifted and thrown aside like a rag doll. In it's place was Joel, bloody knife pointing downwards, heaving deep breaths and looking at you with a mixture of anger and terror. You've never seen such raw emotion etched onto his face before and you were sure you were in for it now. "Joel," you rasped, relief mixed with trepidation. Still trembling from the encounter, you slowly sit up while staring at Joel wide eyed. You braced yourself for the angry admonishment you knew you deserved, but to your surprise Joel dropped to his knees in front of you, his knife clanging as it hit the tiled floor. "Are you hurt?! Are you bit?!, Are you okay?!" The words came tumbling from his lips a hundred miles an hour as his hands wondered from your face to your neck, to your shoulders, to your arms, to your legs and finally your torso.

You can only stare at him in bewilderment, noticing the tears glossing over his eyes and how his entire body is shaking. You place your palms over his trembling hands to try and calm him. "I'm okay Joel, really," you reassure him in a gentle tone. He looks down at your hands placed on his and realises he's holding tightly onto your waist. Embarrassed, he swiftly drops his hands, clears his throat and stands up. He offers his hand to pull you up, which you gingerly accept. You stand, looking up into his dark eyes that now seem to want to tell you... something. No words are spoken for what feels like forever. You break the silence first. "Guess we can get our backpacks now," you whisper nervously, your arms and legs still shaking from the adrenaline that hasn't quite left your system. Joel stands as still as a statue, his face now emotionless and it was unnerving to say the least. You're used to him being grumpy and irritable, you're used to seeing him confident and meticulous, but this was something else, and you don't know how to even speak to him right now. It's almost as if he's not even there, as if he's in a trance!

You swallow the lump in your throat as you head towards the theatre, glancing at the bodies of the other two clickers you managed to shoot in the next room. After filling the backpacks with all of the medical equipment, you rise to find Joel standing in the doorway, still staring but now he looks furious. "Um... here you go," you murmured as you walked over to him and held out his backpack. Joel snatched it from your grasp, causing you to flinch slightly, and stormed outside. "Shit," you mutter under your breath and follow him outside with your head hanging low in shame. The walk to the horses was unbearably quiet, the air thick with tension and unspoken words. You know you had just fucked up, big time! He'll probably never patrol with you again after this.

At least one good thing has come of this. You have the supplies, so maybe it wasn't all bad. "Hey, Joel?" you utter his name shyly as you reach the horses saddles. Joel stops, slightly turns his head to the side, huffs and mounts his horse. Blinking back tears you mount your horse and gently kick it's sides to make it move, making sure to keep a few paces behind Joel's horse. The silence is deafening. With nothing else to occupy your mind it replays that almost fatal encounter over and over again. If Joel hadn't have got there when he did you'd be dead now, that's for certain. You had been so sure you could handle them yourself, but once again Joel was proven right; You don't think before you act, and this time you almost paid the ultimate price. But the worst part for you was that you'd put Joel in danger. If he had died because of your actions you'd never be able to live with yourself. Guilt begins to gnaw at you, an oppressive and gut wrenching sensation that just grows stronger the more you think about it.

You could have gotten him killed and now you're responsible for this strange.... episode he's having. Unable to suffer the crippling guilt and uneasy silence any longer, you sidle up beside Joel. He's still looking dead ahead, unwilling to acknowledge your presence. "Hey," you clear your throat, awkwardly. "Thanks for saving me back there." Joel just tensed his jaw and nodded ever so slightly. "I'm sorry about what happened. Can we talk for a minute?-" "No," Joel snapped. "Joel," you say quietly. "I said no." Joel kicked his horse to make it move faster. You glare at him and sigh in frustration at his stubbornness. For god's sake, I'm trying to apologise and he's being a dick, you bitterly think. You pull on the reigns, bringing your horse to a sudden stop and dismount. Joel quickly stops his horse and turns to face you. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked in exasperation. "I'm not going anywhere until you talk to me," you reply with your arms crossed over your chest, chin held high.

"We're not doing this now. Get back on the horse Y/N." "Not until you talk to me!" you yell at him, frustration seeping through your words. Joel could feel his anger flare and before he could think, he jumped off his horse and stormed over to where you stood defiantly. "You wanna talk? Fine. What the fuck where you doing, going back in there by yourself?!" He roared. "You got a fucking death wish, or something?!" His hands are balled into fists at his sides, chest heaving with angry breaths and his face turning red. You've never seen him this angry before. It was confusing that he'd show this level of care over your well being when most of the time you could swear he hated you. "I'm sorry," you sigh. "I didn't think it through-" "No, you didn't, as usual!" Joel retorted. Okay you'll give him that one. "I just didn't want to fail the community. These supplies are important-" "More important than your life?" Joel asked, his words laced with frustration. "Well... maybe... yeah," you spoke quietly.

Joel blinked and snapped his head back in stunned silence at your words. He didn't expect you to ever say that. "What do you mean 'yeah'?" he cried in disbelief. "The animals are vital to Jackson. Everyone depends on them for food, clothing, transport. So maybe it was worth risking my life. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do. I just hate myself for putting you in danger. I'm really sorry Joel." Your voice trembled slightly on the last few words. Joel couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I don't care about me, I'm furious with you for putting yourself in danger. What if I had been a few seconds later? You be fucking dead now!" "I know," you looked down at your feet, feeling like a child who'd broken their parents' favourite ornament after being told to leave it alone. "I just can't believe how god damn stupid you are!" Your head snapped up like a pissed off cobra as he spat those words out at you. Here you are apologising and he goes and calls you stupid, oh hell no! Your cheeks burn in anger as the blood in your veins begins to boil. "Excuse me?! I've just apologised and accepted all your criticisms, but don't you dare call me stupid!" Now it's your turn to curl your fists.

"What else am I supposed to think when you do shit like that? You almost died!" Your guilt is now being burned away by anger, filling you with a need to defend yourself. "What do you care if I died anyway?" You throw your hands up in indignation. "Yeah I made the wrong decision, but it was mine to make. Don't pretend that you care all of a sudden. Most of the time you fucking hate me!" Joel's eyes widen at your accusation. "Y...You think I hate you?" He asks, taken aback. "Well....yeah," you reply as though it should have been obvious. "I mean in two months you've only ever spoken to me to order me about. You won't even speak to me when I pass you in town. So what am I supposed to think?" "I don't hate you!" Joel can barely contain his vexation at this point. "Christ do you realise what it would do to me if I lost you?" He stopped suddenly, realising what he had just let slip. He could see the astonishment on your face and knowing there's no turning back now, he continued, his voice calm but hesitant, "I don't hate you. I hate how I feel about you."

His confession was the last thing you had expected. After a few moments you collected yourself and walked closer to Joel so that you were looking up into his eyes. "And what do you feel?" you asked softly, while searching his rich brown eyes. The want and longing he feels for you is now abundantly evident in his gaze but he's unsure of what to do next. He was determined to keep his distance, so if he ever lost you it wouldn't hurt as much. But distant or not he almost did lose you and it was excruciating! He realised now he'd wasted enough time trying to push you away and he doesn't want to do that anymore, especially not now with the way you are looking at him. You delicately bring your hands to his chest and repeat the question. "Joel, what do you fe-" before you can finish his lips crash onto yours, his hands grabbing your waist to pull you against his body.

You return the kiss eagerly, wrapping your arms around his back, opening your mouth to allow his tongue to caress yours. His hands tenderly wander up your back, one staying there while the other gently cups your cheek. After several more seconds he pulls away from your lips, guiding your head to the crook of his neck. "Fuck Y/N, I can't lose you, not you," he breathes the words into your ear. You smile deliriously into his neck, hoping this isn't a dream. You dreamed about having him for so long, but never once thought it would ever happen. "So you don't hate me, then?" You grin as you look up at him and rub your nose against his. Joel looks into your eyes adoringly and chuckles, "Of course not." "Then why have you been acting so cold towards me?" you enquire with genuine confusion. "I just didn't want to feel... anything for you. I was afraid to." You've never heard Joel speak with such vulnerability and it made your heart swell for him. "I've lost too many people and I thought pushing you away was for the best. But I can see now that it's the stupidest thing I've ever done. And I never even thought you would feel the same way about me. God, I can't believe how much time I've wasted when I should have just been honest with you."

The sincerity of his words has your head swimming and you kiss him again, hungrily. The tickly feel of his beard, his strong arms wrapping around you, the warmth of him as you press against his chest has you yearning for more of him. "I really like you Joel," you pant as you pull away. "I really like you too, darling," Joel replied just as breathless as you. His southern drawl on the word darling made your knees feel weak! "So let's not waste any more time. Meet me for a drink at the Tipsy Bison later? "Definitely," he answers while placing a quick peck on your nose. "I'm sorry for calling you stupid. You're not. I shouldn't have said that, I was just afraid." "It's okay." you reassure him. "And I promise, I won't take risks like that anymore." "Good, cause next time I'll kill you myself." Joel teases. You roll your eyes playfully and salute, "yes sir." Joel shakes his head and laughs under his breath, causing a giggle to leave you and he knows now he'll be enjoying the sound of your laughter for a long time to come. You both return to your horses and mount to begin the journey back home side by side. This time the silence is comfortable and cozy, filled with soft glances and gentle smiles.

#pedro pascal #joel miller imagine #joel miller fic

[happyhappysparkle]

This might be a really unpopular opinion, but hear me out.

Supposedly some people like so-called 'reader insert' stories, where the writer has created this bizarre blank canvas for the reader to project themselves onto, but for the most part, like... it just looks like lazy writing to me, and I genuinely don't understand what about it is appealing or helps the reader relate to your story in any way, let alone imagine themselves in it.

'You', the reader, didn't do the thing in the story; 'you' don't even have a name in this story. 'You' aren't worthy of being a whole person here. 'You' are only doing very generic and ultimately meaningless things because the writer has neutered 'you' and made 'you' as unremarkable as possible.

Think about it in terms of your blorbo(s), if you have any, or your real life friends or partners or family members:

What makes you love them? What makes them interesting to you? What makes you look up to them? What makes you want ot hug them? What makes you shake your head and roll your eyes at them? What makes you yell at them? What do they do that makes you cry?

Those are the kinds of traits your protagonists need (not to mention names and genders and all that shit).

Or look at video games that have actual protagonists, not blank self-inserts. The Last of Us, God of War, Red Dead Redemption 2, Horizon Zero Dawn. Those games are widely loved and held up as some of the great masterpieces of video game narratives because they are about people.

When I think about the stories I relate to hard and fall in love with, the ones that leave a mark and have an impact, the protagonist is always a person. They are definitely not me. They have a name, a face, a body, a gender, a personality. They have quirks and hopes and dreams. They have fucked-up impulses and a dark side and genuinely weird shit happening inside their heads that you just know has to come from the creator's personal experiences, because nobody could make some of that shit up.

But here's the thing: that's what makes me relate. That's what makes me get attached. Those moments where the character does something totally off the wall specific and weird and I go "wow, I'm not the only person on earth who gets nauseated from drinking plain tap water! I feel SEEN!"

And I don't just feel seen or heard. I feel worthy of love or friendship or admiration because this character is shown to be worthy of those things. I feel like I could be a better version of myself because this character is working to become just that, and maybe is already halfway there. I feel like I can summon the will to fight against the things I struggle with because this character - who struggles with some of the same shit I do - is also fighting.

That's what get me hooked. The person who freaks out when different foods touch on their plate. The person who's so used to only being addressed by a nickname that they literally don't respond to their legal name anymore. The person who only ever smokes half a cigarette because they're too damn antsy and impatient to finish the whole thing.

So I guess what I'm saying is... you, the writer, shouldn't do your readers the disservice of assuming they are incapable of relating to your OCs.

They are smart enough, they are interested, they are worth the time and effort it takes for you to develop your protagonist into a real person, and they will love you for it.

#fanfic writing #writing #spark rants #reader insert #what even is that anyway #ocs #protagonists #'you' is not a character #love your readers

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

idk if ur gonna see this or anything but i fully relapsed pretty bad into my ed about two months ago. I've had god knows how many recoveries and relapses and I always seem to end up back in. i want out this time and i want out for good, i don't want to spend the rest of my life doing this. any advice?

Hi there, anon! I did see this. I get to everything in my askbox eventually, if it's something I'm able to put on my blog.

I'm sorry to hear you've been having so much trouble staying well. I don't know exactly what you've tried so far, but here's the advice I can give:

Are you surrounded by supportive people? If you can, find friends you trust to confide in about the issues you've been having. Think about what they can do to be supportive, whether it be reminding you to be soft about your body image or reminding you how they hope you are healthy and eating well. We all need to learn to love ourselves, but outside support from the right people can give us a big, big boost when we find ourselves needing it most. Building a support system also gives you people to reach out to when you're struggling. That can be hard and scary, but it can also be a resource.

Speaking of resources, is therapy open to you? I don't know if you're able to access therapeutic resources, but a therapist might be able to help you develop coping mechanisms for the issues you might be struggling with that keep you coming back to your ED. I'm also going to preface this next statement by saying that I am not an expert on DBT, and that what I'm going to tell you next is just something I heard during a brief overview of DBT during a training we had at work recently. However, apparently a big premise in DBT is about learning coping strategies to get through those moments of crisis we experience without resorting to the destructive impulses we may have. "Whatever you do, don't make it WORSE" is an excellent thing to remember in crisis. Sometimes you can just...do nothing, and ride out the feeling until it passes, and then work through it later. Or use a coping strategy. Once you've practiced that, maybe you can learn positive responses to your moments of crisis to help you deal with them productively. That way you may learn to better resist urges to relapse - or to pull yourself out of a lapse before it becomes a full relapse. (Be honest but kind to yourself when doing this - shame may only make the lapse worse! Those of us with EDs are often prone to using shame as a motivator, which can sometimes work well in the short term but is terrible for us in the long term.)

It's hard for me to give specific advice without knowing what your ED is like, but perhaps you can use timed reminders to hold yourself accountable to consistently practicing self care before, during, and after eating. Especially when you're going places like - out to a restaurant with friends and family, event where surprise food might be offered, holiday party, etc. Self-care can be whatever works for you - writing down positive affirmations, meditating, taking a long hot bath, taking a little walk and moving your body, gently reminding the bully in your head that what they're saying to you is not helpful to you in the long run, doing some stretches, creating some art...literally whatever self-care looks like for you, but create a self-care regimen around eating properly. Create a self-care regimen for lapses, too. Hopefully you won't need it, but understand that self-care means investing in resources and safety nets for yourself in the event that you might have a hard time, rather than punishing yourself by letting yourself fail. Think about it in advance so that you are not struggling to come up with a self-care plan when you're already in crisis: what are you going to need in order to help gently pull yourself out of a lapse? Failing is human and struggling is common in eating disorders. Learning to be kind to yourself when you fail and growing from your mistakes is a huge part of ED recovery, since we tend to be big self-punishers.

Hope this helps! You can tell me a little more about your ED for more specific advice if you want to, but you don't have to. I hope you find your way back to your own healing path, anon. <3

#ed recovery #advice #long post #self love #self care #ed cw

[sunnyie-eve]

11 | Unlike You

Series: A Zombie's Serenity 

Paring: Zed Necrodopolis x OFC Buchanan!

Word Count: 1.7k

A/N: Might be a few mistakes, and I'm using Brenna D'Amico as how the OC's looks

| MASTERLIST |

~~~

"Zed, wait." I catch him outside in the hall. 

"I lost the election." He turns to me as I walk up to him. 

"I know." I sigh as Eliza comes out. "Look, but the problem is you lost yourself first." She looks at his poster next to us before walking away. 

"Look at me." I grab his chin turning his head away from the poster, "You were great in there and you did win over everyone before this little thing messed you up." I hand the necklace over to him so he can give it back to Addison. "I understand you're reason because being a monster isn't easy with all the obstacles you have to over come in life. I get you want to protect us from that but it's not exactly your choice to make. For her or me, if I wanted to see if I really was a werewolf. You know better and you aren't someone to stop people you care about from achieving something important to them."

"I know... And now they will always see me as a monster." He shakes his head. 

"Well you're Zed Necrodopolis. A 16 year old zombie from Zombietown which makes you a monster... but you're a very sweet, confident, headstrong monster. Who is also very loyal to his friends and will do anything for them. A monster who always stands up for what's right and is compassionate, but also can be impulsive at times." I rub his arm before letting him be.

I join Eliza as she stares at one of Zed's posters, "I really hope I don't have to do the whole but you are a monster speech to Zed after this." I look at the poster before taking it off the wall. 

"Really?" She chuckles as I crumble the poster. 

"I hate when he tries to be someone he's not. Like I told him, I fell for a zombie not someone normal." I look at her. "I swear sometimes he doesn't deserve someone like you. The type of person you are... you always put others before you and will tell them how important or special they are, but then tell yourself you're nothing." She makes me smile, "Because I can see and understand others better than myself. I look into a mirror and sometimes it's like I see nothing." I explain tearing up.

"You wanna know what I see and have to say?" She takes my hands into hers, "I see the first human, who all her life only heard and was taught bad things about zombies, but never believed a single word. After meeting a zombie on the first day of school, you snuck out of class to go apologize for your brother being a jerk. The first person to interact and befriended zombies when no one else wanted to because we were still hated by them. Not to mention you went against people telling you to stay away, and not listening you fell for a Zombie. You a Human who developed feelings for a Zombie. And you changed that zombie's life. You got me to like you very quickly and accept you once I saw who you really were. I see you as someone who can make peoples lives better. You bring out the best in others and make people feel welcomed. So next time you look in the mirror and feel like you see nothing... remember everything I told you. You may think you're nothing but you're something to others."

As I give her a hug the alarm goes off confusing us, "Attention! Attention! Monster activity at Seabrook Power." It announces. 

"It's the werewolves. We need to find Addison." We rush off to find her and we run into each other. 

"We need to rally everyone up to go help." Addison and I say at the same time so Addison goes to get some cheerleaders, I go with Eliza to get some zombies. Once we have everyone we could get we all head to Seabrook Power together. When we get there we see the werewolves were arrested. "No!" We yell at them.

"The world has gone crazy and no one seems to listen. Gotta step in, no more maybes, and stop the demolition." Addison steps up. 

"Is it hope or fear? Look in the mirror. Everything we built is coming down." I tell them. 

"No more hesitation, it's time we start to realize. With all this separation, silence is still taking sides." Eliza steps out with the zombies. 

"So use your voice, make a choice. And tell me, are you standing with the crowd?" I join her then we all join together.

Oh-oh-oh-oh This is a declaration Oh-oh-oh-oh Of a new generation It's now or never, we're in this together We'll fight through the highs and the lows No, we won't break, we're more than flesh and bone

Ayy, ayy, ayy-ayy We say no more bad blood, no more bad blood Ayy, ayy, ayy-ayy No way, they can't stop us, no, they can't stop us Ayy, ayy, ayy-ayy We say no more bad blood, no more bad blood Ayy, ayy, ayy-ayy No way, they can't stop us, no, they can't stop us

"History changes, but we lost the pages we wrote. When you lose direction, can't see the reflection you know. We came from the bottom then became the problem. Now everything's out of control. So hey, are you with me? Let's go." Zed shows up and joins us.

Oh-oh-oh-oh This is a declaration Oh-oh-oh-oh Of a new generation It's now or never, we're in this together We'll fight through the highs and the lows No, we won't break, we're more than flesh and bone

"You gotta stop the demolition, Dad. I know how hard you worked to get this job. But if it's gonna hurt the werewolves, you have to stop it." Zed walks up to his dad. 

"You're right. And the girls are right. Shut it down. Stop the detonation. Tomorrow, when it's safe, we'll find what you're looking for. But right now, you can all go home." Zevon agrees making us all cheer. 

"You're right..." Zed walks up to me as I walk with Eliza. 

"About what?" I stop but she leaves us alone. 

"Everything you said in the hall. I know I'm a monster and there's nothing wrong with that. I don't think you'll have to give me any more speeches." He makes me wrap my arms around his neck to hug him so he picks me up.

"Hey, we did it, we stopped the demo." Addison walks up to us with Bree, smiling. Zed put me down and I give him a look and he knew what I meant. "What's wrong?" Addison asks him so he pulls out the necklace. 

She gets excited thinking he found it but he tells her the truth. "I stole it when you weren't looking." 

She starts to get upset, "I thought I lost it. I questioned myself." She raises her voice while he apologizes. 

"I was afraid that if you, even Serenity, turned into a wolf, I'd lose you both." He tells her. 

"You don't get to make that choice for me! And you knew he took it and didn't care to tell me!" She shouts at us.

"Hey, when I saw it I was disappointed in him. You're right it's not his choice and he knows that now. But I get his reasoning, sorta... We have no clue how hard it is being a monster and what they had and have to go though. So the thought of just jumping in without a care in the world is dumb if you don't think about what we might have to deal with." I explain to her. 

"I finally find where I belong, and you would let him steal that from me? What kind of cousin and friend are you both? I even thought you felt like you belonged." She gets louder. 

"If I wanted him to steal that from you, I wouldn't have told him he knows better. I wouldn't have gave him a small speech about how it was wrong of him." I raise my voice now.

"And I never once felt like I was a werewolf and I let Wyatt know multiple times. I let Willa know when I returned the necklace they gave me. I can sorta say I felt like I belonged but not in the same way as you think. Like I saw new friends that make me wanna be me more and more confident. The only reason any of them thought l was a werewolf was because of my hair but to me it has no meaning. I was just born different compared to you and Bucky and I'm fine with that. Unlike you being so obsessed with your hair and wanting it to mean something important. You can't live with the thought that it has no special meaning. You constantly whine about not feeling like you belong, not having your own little pack, when you have so many people who care and love you for who you are. You're little pack/crew you want to be apart of so badly is literally a mixture of humans, zombies and now werewolves."

She just glares at me when I was done, "You're saying a lot about me when you yourself said you don't know who you are... you can't see yourself or understand yourself. You say you're nothing but then say you're okay with not being something... so what is it? Oh, I know... it's the constant reminder in your head telling you, grandma said I'm more special. You hate the fact that you don't know why she said that. So you have no choice but to see yourself as nothing and pretend you're okay with that. At least I know I'm something and I'm trying to find what I am unlike you, cuz." She turns away then puts on the necklace.

It lights up but when she turns back to face everyone she was still the same Addison. "Am I?" She asks Bree. 

"You're beautiful, Addie, but the same beautiful that you've always been." She tells her. 

"Looks like you gotta keep trying, cuz." I let out a scoff and we all were in a awkward silence. 

"Oh, my gosh, boss, boss! We got a problem." One of the workers run to Zevon and says the detonation started running again and wouldn't shut off. 

We all run towards Seabrook Power just to see it get destroyed. All the wolves start to cough as their necklaces lose more if it's charge. "It's gonna be okay... We'll figure this out." I walk over to them. 

"The building is gone, Serenity." Wyatt tells me. 

"But the stone is still standing... your moonstones haven't fully lost all its charge yet. I'm sure if the stone was crushed..." I look at them. 

"You could be right." Willa looks at me.

#zed necrodopolis #addison wells #bucky buchanan #eliza zambie #bonzo zombies #bree zombies #wyatt lykensen #willa lykensen #wynter barkowitz #a lan #a li #a spen #zombies #disney zombies #zombies 2 #dcom #zombies dcom #milo manheim

[jojotier]

working on a couple og fiction projects and i think i'm slowly coming to understand why Hussie shit the bed so hard after cascade like, metatextually

because like [S] Cascade was a full on Culmination right. a good amount of the plotlines up until that point had reached a sufficiently gorgeous climax, there was the possibility of it developing even more, and the stakes had been overcome even though they were at an all-time high.

like they had to destroy two entire universes for this sun! three of the main characters die and come back as Gods! the score is absolutely banging and thematically appropriate, the visuals are stunning, the way the website itself changes is insane. Newgrounds fucking Breaks. homestuck becomes the webcomic that breaks Newgrounds

But the thing is... how do you top that, narratively?

Hussie has already established that death kinda doesn't mean anything. It has now been established that entire universes can be destroyed without the really main core cast being hurt. It's a taste of the 'escape the narrative' end that Homestuck was always building to but the problem is, this time, even when they escape their own narrative-

they're just stuck in another narrative. back to square one. and like, there's something to be said about that! about escaping your narrative (the beta session) and then finding yourself in someone else's (the alpha session)- but that never really gets utilized to its full potential in Act 6.

so like you're Andrew Hussie and you're seeing that everyone is expecting incredible things from you. your little webcomic has somehow attracted legions of fans, ensnared a team of musicians and coders and artists who are in love with what you have built, and changed fandom culture also. that is a Lot Of Pressure. so how do you continue the story after Cascade?

I feel like the impulse of the artist is to escalate. It is always to escalate. And that's all exasperated by the nature of continuous long-form content that has an audience to give its reactions in real time.

It's an impulse I struggle with a hell of a lot, because the thing is, there's a certain expectation you as an artist, you as a writer, have set in place for your audience. You have promised an experience and it is your job to deliver that experience. And it's not that you've promised to give fans the experience they expect, or even want necessarily, but you've promised to give them an experience in line with your vision.

But the thing is, sometimes your vision needs to be reworked along the way. Sometimes your ambitions get the best of you and you aim slightly too high, and when you look to the future every carefully laid plan is a kinked out mess. But you can't share those fears because just as you have given the audience the expectation of what your art is, you have given them an expectation of who you as an artist are, even indirectly.

if you have this veneer of irony and insincerity, people will expect it. if you give the veneer that you know exactly what you're doing and that everything is part of a grand plan, the audience will believe it, at least at first. if you have just created one of the biggest cultural phenomena in recent memory, they will expect you to be the kind of person who would have been able to create such a thing.

I don't want to speculate about what Hussie might've been personally feeling because like, I was 13 when Cascade dropped, nor do I want to speculate on any arrogance or insecurities he might've had, because that's real personal shit that has no place in the conversation.

but I can tell you that when you don't expect something to blow up, and it does, there's a certain fear of the thing you have created. You see the audience reaction as you write and there will always be the question in the back of your mind: where is the point where people lose interest?

so the impulse of the artist is to try and escalate and to keep attention on them at all costs. and thus, the impulse of the writer is to jump straight into finding the next bigger thing- the next white whale- the next thing to top their Cascade- while forgetting the important fact that when telling a story, to reach that higher climax, there has to be trust in the continuity that they're building.

You have to trust that you already have every tool in your box, and that you'll find new, creative ways to use them. You have to step back and look at all the new ideas you're getting and figure out which has something that could be useful and which you're just using to distract yourself from your own story. You have to stymie your own urge to self-sabotage your work with bullshit implicit bias or flights of whimsy.

More than that, have to trust that what you've built is enough for someone to love it, not just for flashy visuals or catchy music but because the story you're telling is one that is resonant to someone.

To have trust in your audience isn't only limited to trusting that they're smart enough to 'get it'. It means trusting that they will experience and continue to want to experience your work. It means putting your faith in the fact that people want to hear you out. It means swallowing your pride when they don't- and it means learning new techniques to tell the story you wanted to tell in a way that will communicate what you want to tell them better. It means trying to meet people where they are in such a way that it doesn't compromise what you want.

Or maybe Hussie just didn't know what the fuck he was doing. Maybe I'm just projecting too hard because I loved Homestuck and now its spectre haunts me with every comic script I write. Maybe I don't even really know what I'm saying.

All I know is that if media is a conversation, we've lost contact with Andrew Hussie years ago.

#homestuck #idk if this counts as meta so much as the ramblings of a half-dead starving artist but hgjbkjk #honestly writing the last understuck chapter i can see myself falling into the pitfalls #like my writing is a lot more polished now! its snappy its quick its true to life #but also the quick snap from event to event just #didnt leave much time for anything emotionally resonant to settle #maybe im thinking too hard #its midnight and im half asleep #am i making any sense?? oh well #might delete later hbjkj #sam's thinkin again

[monstersinthecosmos]

When you rbed my vampire psych post, you tagged something about Armand’s “trauma hole.” I must know - what is Armand’s Trauma Hole? Devastate me, Kacy.

I WANNA SAY BEFORE I START btw if I had money and wasn’t in the US I’d go to college for psychology strictly to write vampire meta lmfao but yknow what, I don’t have a formal education and I just listen to a lot of psych podcasts and I AM, MYSELF, SOMEONE WITH A TRAUMA HOLE so that’s my qualifications here LOL. 

So I have sort of a running headcanon called The Trauma Hole Theory and like it’s not completely solid so don’t take my word on this but it’s a fun thought experiment.

It comes down to two questions: Do vampires have neuroplasticity? and: Does The Blood know to fix neurological differences? *

*(This point in particular is a whole separate topic because I’d said that the vampires’ neurobiology IN ITSELF makes them neurodivergent, as in, operating differently from the average human. But neurodivergence isn’t a thing that needs to be healed or cured, simply a difference in structure, but I wonder if The Blood categorizes differences in brain structure due to trauma as an injury?)  

And the thing is like, we’re never going to have an answer because it’s not something Anne planned around. Even like starting with the Mayfair books and going into all her weird cosmic questions in her later life she always talked about biology & medicine like it was magic LOL so who knows. I wish I’d had the chance to ask her this!

But to be more specific, I need to know: Is the Blood able to cure what’s wrong with your brain, or does it freeze your brain exactly how it is?

I can make arguments for both because there isn’t an answer in canon and if you start fine combing you’re going to find a lot of conflicting evidence. We can also handwave this away as “the Dark Gift is different for everyone!”

Claudia is one of my favorite examples to look at, because we have to ask: Is she a monster because she doesn’t remember being human or is it because her brain development got frozen where she wasn’t awesome at empathy yet? A lot of studies say children have empathy by the time they’re 4, so maybe she’s in the clear! But how much of her early life and development were stunted by malnourishment?

This also gets into the canon that some of the vampires who were turned younger are a bit wilder, less impulse control, etc. Lestat, as an example of a permanent 20 year old with poor decision making faculties, vs. Marius who although sometimes cruel, has the patience to play the long game. In canon it often gets framed that it’s about the deeper experience of being human but I wonder a lot about how it interacts with brain structure. I’d also ask how much of this is simple behavior that they can learn to correct if they want to. Like, is CBT effective for vampires if there’s nothing physically wrong with their brains? 

(Anyway I need a psych degree to understand more about how brains work and like, the nuances of how undead vampire brains work where they still clearly FUNCTION but like, I need to know which parts are frozen, how their emotions work, why do they have super photographic memories and telepathy and new powers but we assume their prefrontal cortex is stuck at their mortal age of development how does that affect the overall brain function!?!?! I'm making shit up to fit my angst headcanon needs to don't @ me LOL.) ((Hekate you in particular should weigh in with your headcanons bc you're smarter about this stuff than me!!!!!! I'm just a lowly angst headcanon troll!!!))

So anyway like, trauma causes neurological damage/structural changes to the brain. It reshapes your ability to see logic. I’m sure if you’re having sort of acute panic in the moment of being turned, and your amygdala is poppin and your brain is full of cortisol, maybe the Blood takes care of that because it’s temporary. But when you look at someone like Armand, who had endured years of trauma before he was turned, I wonder how much of that more complex/long term trauma is just wired into his brain.

SO THE TRAUMA HOLE AND THE QUESTION ABOUT NEUROPLASTICITY IS:

If the Blood fixed Armand’s brain where it was, can he ever truly heal from it? 

There’s a thing in real life with HUMANS recovering from trauma that sometimes we are so unable to accept that Things Are Okay that we’re constantly on guard or create problems. If Armand permanently has that space in his head telling him that it’s dangerous, that something is wrong, that people are using him; is he always going to find ways to fill that hole and create drama?

Living in squalor for 300 years in a cult felt like a way to stay with this feeling, to not allow himself to even try for safety and happiness. In the Theatre, even trying to be better, he still allowed himself to partake in atrocities. 

And with Daniel? Gradually allowing himself to feel things even though he’d been reckless with his pet? But really trying? 

Even after finally turning Daniel it became a self-fulfilling prophecy; he believed he wouldn’t be a good maker and I have to wonder if he actually tried or if he just allowed that anxiety to dictate his behavior.

In Trinity Gate it’s like he’s doing his best to be domestic but still takes this role of running the household and keeping everyone safe. He’s got these crazy secure crypts in the basement. He’s the only one who wants to kill the replimoids. 

Marius tells him that he has the ✨savage & ignorant soul of a child✨ AND ?????? HE’S NOT WRONG? EXCEPT IT’S SUCH A SHITTY WAY TO PUT IT. He’s just still very much his wounded inner child trying to navigate danger at all times. 

CBT could still work on vampires, I think, in terms of teaching them a set of rules to follow. It wouldn’t be unlike teaching them to mask. But if it’s not something that can be healed, we can always assume that if Armand is behaving, he’s just going through the motions for the benefit of the people he loves, and not that he’s less hurt and uncomfortable on the inside. 

:) 

#trauma hole theory #vampire chronicles #armand #i'm sad about armand again good morning! #deep ass thoughts about vampires #anne rice #vampire brain science

[duhragonball]

Neon Genesis Evangelion 16

Tonight's episode: Whatever this thing is.

This one opens with another breakfast at Misato's place, but Asuka jumps out of the shower complaining it's too hot, then jumps down Shinji's throat for apologizing for things he can't control, like the water being too hot. She also seems sore about Misato getting back together with Kaji, then she slams the door shut, which I didn't even think you could do with those Japanese sliding doors. You'd just tear the whole thing apart, right? Anyway, this scene was probably intended to reintroduce the main cast, particularly Shinji, who will be psychoanalyzed later, but it's weird how Asuka will barge into a room, throw three different fits simultaneously, and leave. I feel like that probably needs some professional attention.

The kids do another round of testing at the NERV base, and Shinji's compatibility with the Eva has increased again, finally putting his numbers above Asuka's. Misato hopes this will improve his confidence. Asuka, of course, is very gracious abou-- ha ha I can't even finish that sentence. No, she throws another fit, because it's a day that ends in a "y". Rei's like "good luck with that" and leaves her to stew.

It does actually give Shinji something to feel good about. He does a little fist pump on the bus, but he sees some kids laughing at him and he gets self-conscious about it.

The next day, a giant sphere shows up over Tokyo-3, and they can't even tell if it's an Angel or not, but the smart money is on "yes it is". Misato sends all three pilots to reconnoiter, and tells them that one will go into attack, with the other two backing that one up. Asuka suggests that Shinji take point, since he's testing so well these days. Misato isn't sure he's up for it, but Shinji's feeling his oats, so he wants to do it. Well okay then.

But Shinji's a little too eager this time. He pulls too far ahead of the others, so there's no one to back him up. Impulsively, he opens fire on the Angel, and then a shadow appears underneath him and swallows him up. Great, so it's a Stand User on top of everything else.

Later, Ritsuko explains that the shadow is the Angel, and it only appears when... look, I'm not going to pretend to understand how this works. The big sphere is actually the shadow cast by the Angel's weird geometry. The point is that Shinji's inside a parallel world separate from our own universe. The power cable to his Eva was severed when they tried to pull it back out, but if he conserves battery power in life-support mode, he should be able to survive for sixteen hours.

Okay, these batteries are complete bullshit. Sometimes they're only good for one minute, other times they can power an Eva for five minutes, and now there's a way to keep it on for sixteen hours. I get it, it's probably all about what you do with the Eva while it's on the battery. Combat and locomotion are going to waste power much faster. But it's strange to me how it can last that much longer in a situation like this. It would have been easier for me to buy that they developed a better battery since the last episode.

Asuka openly mocks Shinji for his predicament, and Rei asks her if she pilots the Eva just for the praise of others. Uh, yeah, Asuka practically admitted this a few episodes back. Asuka denies it now, but come on. Don't kid a kidder, Asuka. I don't think I understand Rei's point here, but it's pretty clear that Asuka is just acting out to avoid dealing with the stress of Shinji's disappearance. Rei isn't buying it and she's not going to take the bait just to give Asuka the distraction she wants.

Inside, Shinji is still alive, but there's nothing he can do. His sensors can detect nothing outside the Eva. To his credit, he did set the Eva on life support mode, so he's got plenty of time, but there's not much he can do other than wait for a rescue.

It doesn't take long for him to start panicking. See, he's thinking about blood, which is what Rei was thinking about when she synced up with Unit 01 a couple of episodes back. She got a taste of his dark thoughts, and I guess he got a taste of hers when Unit 00 went berserk all over again.

Outside, Ritsuko proposes a plan that would involve dropping 992 N2 mines into the shadow, all at once. That would somehow allow them to recover Unit 01. Misato asks how Shinji could possibly survive such a thing. Well, he'd be inside the Eva, so if the Eva's salvageable, I assume he'd be alive as long as his life support doesn't run out.

But Ritsuko doesn't say that. Instead she explains that the Eva is the priority here, not the pilot. Misato slaps her for that. Damn!

See, this is what I'm talking about when I was complaining about the first half of this series. Not everything has to be a laser karate fight or an exploding robot. This show's premise is loaded with tension--the world is always in danger of being destroyed-- so you knew that one of these days Ritsuko and Misato might not get along as well as they normally do. But they could have done something like this much, much earlier in the show than this, and it would have added a lot of texture to the story. I mean, at least they're doing it now, so it's not a total waste, but a lot of the good stuff we're getting in the second half makes me mad at the missed opportunities in the first half.

Ritsuko pulls rank and tells Misato that she's told her all she knows. We know that's a lie, because Kaji showed Misato that secret room in the NERV basement. Misato doesn't know what an Eva is, exactly, but it's got something to do with that Angel corpse that's trussed up downstairs, and Gendo Ikari and Ritsuko seem to care more about the Evas than the pilots.

Meanwhile, Shinji experiences some sort of presence who identifies as himself. All beings, it explains, are composed of two selves: one's own self-perception, and the way one is perceived by others.

The voice tells Shinji that he fears the Shinji Ikari that exists in the minds of others. He's too wrapped up in worrying about how others feel about him. This probably stems from his father deserting him as a small child, but...

... the voice tells him it isn't that simple. Shinji ran away from himself that day. There's images and voices accusing Gendo Ikari of killing his wife, so I have no idea how to unpack all of that, but there's a rich tapestry of issues here. It's hard to imagine that this is just Shinji's mind talking to itself, because he normally isn't this willing to confront these things head-on like this. So maybe this is Angel trying to make contact with him, but we can't tell.

Then, as Shinji seems to succumb to the life support failure, some ghostly figure embraces him and... I don't know.

Outside, the shadow on the ground begins to form bloody cracks, and NERV's sensors go off the charts. No one knows what's happening.

Ritsuko is especially confused, because her recovery operation hasn't even started yet.

Then we see the Eva's hand burst out of the sphere. You know, the sphere that Ritsuko said wasn't actually the Angel? Well, all that blood coming out of it would beg to differ. Maybe she didn't understand it as well as she thought.

I gotta say, this is pretty cool.

Finally Unit 01 busts out and it screams like it did way back in the beginning, when Shinji didn't know what he was doing. This terrifies a lot of the people on the ground. Asuka is gobsmacked to see just what it is she's piloting. I think Rei already knew they were like this. Pretty sure Ritsuko knew as well, but...

This is still beyond anything she might have expected.

Her words are a clue for Misato, but she doesn't think the Evas are simply copied from the body of the first Angel. There's more to it than that, and what really concerns her is this: Just what is NERV planning to do with the Evas once all the Angels have been destroyed?

Anyway, they get Shinji out of the robot and he's still alive, though delerious.

Later, Ritsuko and Gendo are overseeing the repairs to Unit 01, and she worries that Misato or Shinji might have noticed something about the Evas that they're not supposed to know. If they ever figured it out, she worries that they'd never forgive them. Gendo acknowledges this, but wants to leave it be for now.

Shinji wakes up in the hospital bed, but this time Rei's there at his bedside. She tells him to take it easy and leaves.

As Rei leaves, we see Asuka at the door, much to her chagrin. Shinji is gratified to know they both care about him.

Shinji looks at his hand, then observes "It still smells like blood." His hand, or the whole room? And what does this mean? Did he kill his mother?

#neon genesis evangelion #2024ngeliveblog #shinji ikari #rei ayanami #asuka langley soryu #misato katsuragi #ritsuko akagi #gendo ikari

[enneamage]

my dream is to become a content creator, could I have the mage analysis/speech you were mentally drafting up for that other anon, pretty please? curious what you think about it

I might have overestimated how long I would need to go on for, but The Urgency was real. 

If this were more one-on-one, my impulse would be to walk people through their motivations for wanting to be a CC and being sure that those wants wouldn't get met easier somewhere else. It's very possible to truly want to Post, and I'm not trying to be the person who scares people off from their dreams, but if the motivation leans into a general "I want to feel like I make a difference in people's lives", that might be better served by another line of work. I'm saying this part in particular because I've heard people who grew up watching or looking up to CCs can have an outstanding sense of the positive impact that CCs can have on people, and can focus on that as a source of connection and meaning-making over other things. Being a CC can be very lonely, unstable and high-risk, so my impulse is to make sure people are sure what they're signing off on beforehand. 

I guess I think it's important to understand early on that being a CC is the gig economy wearing a wig. A lot of what drives people crazy is how conditional it turns out to be, the lack of stability seems to slowly wear on people's minds and ethics. Maybe it's not that much of a secret, but sometimes the survivor bias around the scene makes it look like it's something that people 'outgrow' as they get bigger, but that isn't fully the case. 

I guess this is the same speech I would give to anyone who wanted to go into 'creative performing' on some level, since "I want to be an actor/singer/writer" became "I want to be a CC" in early life stat gathering. It makes sense-- normal life can feel like there's no room to 'play' or be creative as an adult, so sometimes people come to think of doing something creative as a job as a way to preserve that in their lives. It can look like CCs have maximised freedom from the outside, but they're probably most vulnerable to the wants/needs of the market, and the 'doing your own hours' thing can easily become working all the time with no clear borders. It can be easy for your life and crativity to be co-opted by something you don't have as much control over as you would like. This is the point that I would want to make the clearest, since It's a tragic mistake to make a bid for freedom on one hand and then wind up stuck more consumed by the job than an office 9-to-5. It's a big bait and switch that people sign up for before they can see the other shoe drop, most people are stuck chasing results over fully being able to forge their own path.  

Being a CC also puts people in front of the court of public opinion in a way I'm sure you've seen if you're on this part of tumblr. People can be unfair, obscure in their reasoning, and hard to predict. Sometimes you'll even have to worry that your peers will go after you, which is a whole other thing. I wont go into this part as much since you probably already know, but this is also a big factor that I would want to warn people about. 

I don't know anything about your background, but my hobby is worrying about everybody, so don't take my fretting personally. Like being an actor, someone's gotta do it, and it's never impossible. It's probably enjoyable for the people who are deeply passionate and have a will to develop a talent for it. I just want to provide an alternate speech to the 'but what if it doesn't work out' lecture, since there are plenty of drawbacks that come from things working out 'perfectly' for an imperfect job too. 

#Mageessay #I hope whatever you choose works out the best it can o7

[mctives]

some general thoughts on stu

(note: i know people are obsessed with this franchise, but i'm only starting to develop my thoughts on it, so please be patient with me)

. i feel that his and his family's privilege is such a huge reason that he ended up the way he did. like... he's not unintelligent, but he doesn't seem in touch with reality and consequences (or at least not the consequences there should be for the DEGREE of his actions), and someone as manipulative as billy is able to convince him to both harm himself and others. i feel that he's definitely been in trouble before and his parents got him out of it. i also feel that he had some signs of mental illness waaaay prior to the murders which were ignored because they would look bad.

. it wasn't a matter of billy telling him to do things and he did them. he would do things because he'd think billy would think more of him for it, and he'd feed off of billy's reactions, which would drive him to do more and more. to him, billy is cool and smart and all the things stu is not, but wishes he was (and of course, there are other feelings going on, but he doesn't try to think about that too much--see the next point), so keeping his attention is a huge fixation for him.

. he is one of those people who's thoughts will really spiral out of control if he thinks too much. like, you know when you think about how big space is and then you're panicking because jesus CHRIST space is big; that's stu about pretty much everything. he is not the guy who thinks very far ahead (billy handled that) and he also isn't the guy who thinks very far behind either. if he thought too much about things that had happened or things he was going to do he'd definitely freak out the way he started freaking out toward the end of the movie. (and even then, he wasn't to the point of really understanding consequences, since he was mostly concerned about his parents being angry with him.)

. while i think stu mostly had girlfriends because it seemed to be something that billy wanted, i also think he really liked tatum even though he knew that she would be one of their victims. it's one of those things that if you sat him down and tried to get him to explain it to you, he'd have a lot of trouble trying to make any sense. there is this huge border between the him who likes tatum and the him who needs to participate in all these things that will lead to tatum being killed. (note: i think stu helped make sure tatum was stuck in the garage, but i think billy is the one who actually killed her; does not make stu any less guilty though.)

. the situation with casey is definitely a situation where he felt she and steve made him look bad to billy, and i think that billy used that situation to draw stu further in (since their first kill was for billy--even though stu didn't really know that at the time). Once they killed casey and steve, they really shared something that kept them intrinsically bound, so stu couldn't betray him--although i believe billy always intended to betray stu by killing him.

. however, stu felt most betrayed by billy not telling him his motive for killing maureen. like, billy DEFINITELY has given stu his line about how it's scarier if there's no motive, and i'm sure stu bought into it because it's very convenient for his tendency not to want to think about things too closely. i think that was the moment that stu was beginning to realize that billy didn't really see him as an equal, and never would.

. if stu had never met billy, i don't think he would've become a killer, but i don't think he ever would've been a good person without a ton of effort and therapy. the chaotic way he feeds off of energy, and does not see reality/consequences clearly, and is able to dehumanize others makes him extremely unreliable and impulsive and dangerous.

#// headcanon #am open to feedback #i'm still developing my thoughts #i just cannot stop thinking about this jerkass #(jerkass is really too nice a word) #long post cw

[countlessrealities]

🗑️ ⚖️ 💚 right back at you!

Scrapped / on pause / WIP ideas meme || Selectively accepting !

🗑️ a scrapped element of the blog

This is something that I never actually applied to this blog because I scrapped the idea before I had the chance to try it out, but I think it should count since it's about one of my current muses.

When I firstly designed my HCs for Evil Rick, he was very different from the version I've chose to adopt for my portrayal. The initial idea I had for him had been to base his character mostly on the stereotype of what in the mind of the public is a "sociopath" (I know, I know, we aren't using that sort of terminology anymore, but it's for the sake of simplicity). So, brutal, unrefined, unable to understand basic social / human behaviours and uninterested in learning to. He was basically just an asshole who had no driving force in life if not satisfy his darker impulses. Also, he was supposed to behave more like he does in the show while under Evil Morty's control.

Whoever has even just glanced at how I write him now, you can see that he's nothing like that. Sure, he's merciless, can't feel empathy, he's extremely gory at times, but his whole personality is centre on quiet and emotionless detachment. There's a long list of reasons why I picked this version over the other, but I won't list them. I just wanna mention that I ended up making up almost the opposite (attitude wise) of how he acted while puppeteered by Evil Morty because, for how I write him, my Evil Morty would want to put as much distance between himself and his Rick, thus why he distorts his personality. And also because he knows that Evil Rick would find it insulting.

⚖️ something stuck in limbo

I've been pondering for a couple of weeks now to add a certain muse to my roaster. I've been writing him on Discord with @mcltiples (so I blame her for giving me the thought to add him on here too) and I think I'm doing pretty decently. Plus, he's fun to write and I need more psychos on my muses list.

I'm still pondering it because 1. I already have several muses and 2. a close mutual of mine writes the same character and that makes me a little hesitant because I don't want it to look like I'm trying to copy them / steal their spotlight.

I know, I know, point 2 is probably all just paranoia, but I can't help worrying about it. As for point one, I'm planning to remove a muse (Stan) from my roaster with the new year, so that could technically mean having an open spot.

💚 a coming idea that still needs development

This one is an element that I've often included in my portrayal, but without really defining it or diving in depth: Morty's anger issues and trauma-induced coping mechanisms.

There are a few specific HCs I tend to use and mention often (like how he spent a really long time unable to even just look at public bathroom, or how Rick has resorted to take him purging regularly), but the real extent of the damage Morty carries? That's pretty unknown to me too xD

I'd really like to develop these aspects more, decide what he has gotten over, what is still haunting him, and what had gotten lost in the cynic attitude and mindset he has been forced to adopt for the sake on not falling into an endless breakdown. Also, since most of the emotions linked to all this events manifest through anger (something that happened even before Rick) it's also very hard to tell how he truly feels about something. Whether he is truly angry or if rage is the manifestation of something else (guilt, fear, sadness, sorrow, remorse, etc).

#[ ooc :: mun scotty on comm ] #[ ooc :: blog info ] #[ ooc :: about the mun ] #dynamoprotocol #[[ thanks for sending this in! ]]

[knickynoo]

hello there!! i’m currently hyperfixating on bttf, so reading your thoughts/headcanons about it has been giving me so much joy and i really appreciate your blog a lot. :)

this might be a strange question and i apologise if you’ve been asked something similar before, but what are your headcanons about marty and doc’s respective relationships with sleep? i doubt that either of them ever get a full eight hours, somehow.

Hi!! Thank youuu; I'm glad you enjoy my blog! No need for an apology. I love getting asks like this about topics I've never really thought about before. This is a fun one. Let me dig through my brain for some headcanons.

DOC!

- My immediate thought when it comes to Doc is: Sleep? Never heard of it. As a man of science, Doc understands the value and importance of sleep, he just doesn't care to actually get any himself. There's just too much to do! So many projects to work on and thoughts in his head. Even if he is tired and attempts to rest, he usually just ends up spending the time doing mental planning and calculations. Some of his best ideas come when he's on the brink of sleep, and he has to then grab a notepad and pencil and jot it all down before he forgets.

- A lot of the time, his poor sleep hygiene is because he simply forgets to go to sleep. He gets so completely absorbed in whatever current super interesting thing he's working on, that everything else around him becomes a void. He has no awareness of any other goings on. Forgets to eat, forgets to go to bed, etc. Then suddenly, something breaks his concentration and he looks up and night has turned back to day, and he's like, "Whoops."

- Whatever semblance of a sleep schedule he does have is largely due to his current dog at the time. Being aware of their needs (when they need to eat, go out, and such) helps to kind of prompt him to be more aware of his own. Not that he always listens, though, lol. It isn't uncommon for him to walk over to Einie in his little dog bed, give him a pat on the head, and go, "Goodnight, Einie. Sweet dreams." *notes that it's like 2am* "Well, back to work!"

- Oh, and getting married changes things a little, as well. Clara is very adamant that he not run himself ragged doing work and forces him to go to bed at a reasonable time. Doc complies, but does so reluctantly. His ability to run on only a handful of hours of sleep comes in handy, though, when Jules and Verne are babies. Clara doesn't argue with him at all when he's the first one out of bed to tend to one of their crying children in the dead of night.

MARTY!

- It's strange, because when you take into account Marty's overall personality, most signs point to him probably never sleeping either. But oddly enough, I don't headcanon that as being the case. In fact, I think Marty is all Go, Go, Go!! except for when it comes to sleep.

- I mean. Look at the way he sleeps? That's somebody who is a deep sleeper. A kid who just passes out and is dead to the world for a solid 8+ hours. Marty flies through his day at full speed--just a flailing, fidgety, impulsive, blur of a boy--and then he falls into bed and is out immediately.

- This is largely the reason why he so often ends up sleeping in his day clothes. There's just such a short window of time where he's capable of actually changing into pajamas. Like, he goes into his room with every intention of putting on pj's, but then he makes the mistake of sitting on his bed for four seconds and, oops, too late, he's asleep already.

- Marty's default response to situations where there isn't anything interesting or exciting going on is just to go to sleep. He's bored in school? Sleep. Gets detention for falling asleep in class? Sleep. He's on a long car ride, confined to his seat and with nothing to do? Sleep. He also sleeps in response to stress. "Ugh, I've got this huge test tomorrow, and I haven't studied a single thing; I'm doomed. Guess I'll take a nap."

- His friendship with Doc also allows him to develop the unique ability to sleep in an environment filled with the sounds of drills and hammering and the occasional small explosion. Nothing phases him. He's curled up having pleasant dreams in his little cot while Doc is running around the lab, screaming frantically about the fire that's started by his workstation.

In conclusion: Doc is constantly sleep-deprived but doesn't even feel it, and Marty is actually very well-rested all the time, which is a good thing, because imagine how much more frazzled and uncoordinated he would be if he was always tired.

Thanks for the ask!

#asks #back to the future #marty mcfly #doc brown

[lenteur]

random thoughts about strong girl nam soon, episode five (pt 1)

(read more because i always get carried away lol and this post might contain spoilers)

hopefully nam soon will be more efficient at being discreet. Even though i don't count on it

i just realized there are eleven episodes left after i finish this one so i kind of understand why it took some time to introduce the villain and develop the story.

I still can't believe the chief of the diu team put the dr*g in his mouth. I think the writers decided to do that because when the chief d1es, the charges against doogo will be heavier and he'll be incriminated for longer. But anyway, it still doesn't make sense that someone who's worked for such a long time in a diu team went and made a rookie mistake, especially given the fact that the whole team saw the effects it had on the two victims of said dr*g. Talk about lack of creativity. I would've understood if he went to the hospital to, let's say, visit a family member and then they gave him the fatal mask. That would have made a lot more sense a lot but no, they chose something so stupid even a rookie would have thought before doing such a thing. Oh and let's not forget how hee sik told him SECONDS BEFORE how the drug works. Talk about impulsive thoughts.

Sorry i'm very disappointed by such reckless behaviour from someone who should know better.

I know i've said nam soon is doing a terrible job at laying on the down low but i do appreciate her enthusiasm. She has lead a pure life, rid of bad intentions so she is adamant on catching the villain and stopping the k1lling of so many victims.

Hee sik being stunned by her super powers is hilarious. He's seen it before but he doesn't know the extent of it. By the end of the drama, he'll just be so impressed he'll become numb to it.

The bells ringing whenever his heart flutters over nam soon.

Nam soon running with hee sik in her arms adds a lot of fun to this moment. He's already become numb to it.

The veins on the ryu si o's arms and back. He's the first experiment of his own drug. I don't know how the makeup/vfx artists did it but it's a really good job. The veins don't look fake.

I'm sorry but hwang geum ju is so badass and elegant at the same time. How does she do that? And the fact she's riding a motorcycle? She's catwoman!!!

who's following hwang geum ju? It's the guy who gave her the opulentia card.

I'm wondering why she revealed her identity so quickly. I mean it could have been dangerous. But we don't know if she gave her identity when signing up to the opulentia site. Or did she need to create an account? Anyway if I were her, I would've kept my helmet on. Would have worked better for the undercover mission.

The vice chairman of opulentia, i wonder if it's his real voice because it sounds like one of those voices you hear when taking a TOEIC exam for example. It just threw me off. Also it looks like they asked him to speak very slowly and to articulate every word when talking in english. I don't know but it's weird. It doesn't sound natural is what I'm trying to say. If that's really how the man speaks, i would like to apologize.

Hwang geum ju's smile when she understood she shares the same goals as the opulentia vc. She finally found someone of "elite" status who wants to do good and not just keep earning money and keeping it to themselves. And i think that's a very beautiful thing to see that she's no longer alone in her quest to make the world a better place. She really found someone she wants to associate herself with.

Cute! They're now officially a team.

Hee sik using any excuse to be with nam soon. We know what you're trying to do. I just appreciate all the little details the show gives us to drop hints that they're going to be a couple by the end of the drama.

Talking about hwang geum dong, they chose the perfect actor to play him because he has this tired look on his face already and he mastered the art of using it to his advantage.

Ever since she literally fell on top of hee sik, nam soon's heart doesn't have as much space for her kpop idols. Accurate representation of kpop stans when they get a real life partner lmao

#there will be a part two because i wrote a lot today #ah this drama sure makes me passionate #random(al) thoughts #kdrama #strong girl nam soon

[otherperson12]

Lo’ak, the middle child.

I don't remember who asked me for this, I really don't know if anyone asked but here it is. I really think it's something that needs to be talked about regarding Jake and Lo'ak's relationship. I'm the middle child, the only female and seeing how Lo'ak developed throughout the movie was something that really got to me. I don't want to justify anyone for their actions or anything, I just want to take the opportunity to vent a little and hope it helps someone else.

Lo'ak wondered if it was just him or did it happen to others as well. He wondered if it was simply because he was the second son or if they really had something against him. Day by day he wondered if he was the problem but his questions were never answered no matter how much he prayed or begged, nothing changed. Eywa seemed to turn her back on him. He tried to help with what he could but it didn't seem to be enough, he would always be Neteyam's shadow and his father's burden. He also had to admit that he was impulsive when he wanted to help and ended up messing up, he was constantly getting into trouble maybe for two reasons: he wanted to look brave and he wanted to challenge his father to assert himself.

When you are the middle child, you always look ahead or behind, to the oldest or the youngest. You compare your situation, your position with the rest of your " equals ".

In the scenario study the results and patterns repeat themselves with minimal variations. The results are sad for those who are in the middle; the hypotheses are confronted with the heart and feelings you want to deny, the chest tightens and the eyes burn.

Lo'ak was the second biological son of two great legends among the Omaticaya, he could be considered the third if we follow the following order: Neteyam, Kiri, him, and Tuk. He was one of the youngest but still not the youngest, it was then that he realized that he was not too old to be guided in life or too young to be cared for.

Neteyam would be his father's heir.

Kiri would probably be the next Tsahik. (Perhaps there would be some sort of arrangement for both siblings to rule).

Tuk was a child.

Lo'k remembers well the birth of his little sister, he remembers how they hardly let him carry her and how they always asked his brother for help to take care of her, he also wanted to be a good big brother. Likewise, they could no longer always take care of Lo'ak as he wanted and he didn't really understand, he was just a child.

He treasures the memory of his father being proud for him after completing his Iknimaya ritual (he wasn't as happy as he was with his older brothers, but no matter), that day they were celebrating him and no one else but him. Jake recalled old stories of the boy as an infant as he gave him almadias of pride. On his back. He was happy until he heard: " It took Neteyam less time to donate to his ikran and what to speak of Kiri!". There, that was his portion of attention. His turn had passed. Neytiri noticed how her son's tail stopped wagging happily and became still on the ground. She knew what it was like to be second. She took her son's chin and stroked his cheek tenderly.

That night, Lo'ak understood that he had to be better if he wanted to make his father proud, he had to be useful to the clan and to his family. He tried, shit he tried. He really did! But it was never enough and he did nothing but disappoint his dad, he just wanted to be like him.....

"Why can't you be like your brother?"

Among the people it was known that Lo'ak was the troublesome son and shadow of Neteyam, who was indeed a worthy son of Toruk Makto. Lo'ak was the black sheep as the People of Heaven used to say.

He was not one to pray too much, but he really wanted, needed, help. He prayed and implored Eywa for answers and for wisdom to do the right thing and make his father proud.

He never cried. He never showed his sadness or bitterness; he never let them see that he was weak. He held his head as high as he could, always with his eyes straight ahead.

Lo'ak never doubted that his parents loved him but he couldn't help but feel that he was less loved than the rest of his siblings, that the love he received came with a shadow in front of him. He wanted a love just for him, he wanted to be seen for being him, Lo'k and not for being the second, the shame. He wanted a love just for him, would he find it? Yes, but it was still not from his father.

But when his father said, "I see you, son," he couldn't help but be taken by surprise. His father at last saw him as a worthy son. He was, at last, loved and his father was proud.

At last he saw him.

#original writing #avatar the way of water #fanfic #lo’ak #neteyam #avatar #kiri sully #jake sully #neytiri