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accirax · 9 months

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DRDT Archetype Analysis + Predictions

Recently, I was reminded of this post I made a while ago about the repeating archetypes of canon Danganronpa casts (and how I invited people to apply it to their own fangans/fangans they liked). And I thought, hey! I can do that myself with a fangan I have very vocally enjoyed: Danganronpa: Despair Time!

To be clear, I am very much NOT accusing DRDTdev of being unoriginal or ripping anything off. The cast is one of the things I like most about DRDT, and that’s because they’re all very inventive, exciting, and well-developed characters who make surprising yet never out of character choices.

However, I also think that they fit the archetypes I developed quite well. This is for two reasons: one, the dev has almost certainly played the canon games, and therefore may have been inspired by them. The plot (or at least the motives) thus far seem to be strongly inspired by Trigger Happy Havoc, so it would make sense if some of the characters could have been too. And, secondly, I posited in the original post that this assortment of archetypes made for a good and well-balanced cast in general. It’s possible that DRDTdev had no intentions of paralleling anything, and simply came up with the cast that they did because these types of people work well together.

I’m probably disclaiming too hard again.

Anyways, this post is part character analysis and part story predictions. I’ll explain how and why I think each character lines up with the archetype I chose for them, and in some cases, how I think they might follow or defy the narrative staples set by their predecessors. As such, there are major spoilers for all three mainline Danganronpa games, as well as DRDT through Chapter 2 Part 1. Let’s get started!

“The Protagonist can be basically whoever you want. The main attributes they probably need are a generally friendly and sociable disposition (to facilitate FTEs), and enough intellect to survive a Class Trial without too much help. However, they likely harbor some elements of self-doubt and possess an ultimately hopeful attitude.”

(I wish I’d had a less obvious assignment to hook people in, but that's just how the cookie crumbles.)

Well, Teruko kind of fills the role of protagonist by default, because… she’s the protagonist. However, as many have noted, she’s a bit atypical in the role. But, that’s okay! Because the Protagonist is probably the most flexible role of all. Really, the only boundaries on it are the ones set by the mechanics and flow of the game.

Teruko is far less sociable than Makoto, Hajime, or Kaede (or even Shuichi), but the format of DRDT gets around that by not actually having any FTEs in the main story. And, even in the Bonus Episodes, Teruko doesn’t participate. In the main story (especially after Chapter 1), Teruko pretty much only stumbles into conversations, or has someone else initiate them. FTEs are the one point of the game where you have to explain why the protagonist is going out and seeking conversations on their own, so it works very well that DRDT was published in a format where that doesn’t have to happen. The intellect is obvious– Teruko is very possibly the smartest person in the Class Trial, so there’s never any question of whether she would be smart enough to solve any of the mechanics.

The other two aspects aren’t as important to being a protagonist; they’re just common threads that I noticed happened to be shared by Makoto, Hajime, and Kaede. Teruko doesn’t have self-doubt as much as self-hatred, but I think that Makoto’s self-doubt originated from him being a player insert. This was the first time that anyone had ever played a Danganronpa game, so of course they might be a little nervous going into it! However, those who watch DRDT are almost certainly familiar with at least one Danganronpa game before they watch, and beyond that, you don’t even play as Teruko. Thus, Teruko doesn’t need to be someone the “player” needed to relate to at all. It’s one of the many reasons why I think DRDT uses its existence as a video series brilliantly.

The “ultimately hopeful attitude”... has yet to be seen. This is important if Teruko needs to give a big hope speech at the Chapter 6 Trial, but there’s no guarantee that’ll happen. It’s possible that she could get to the Chapter 6 Trial and still refuse to believe in others, likely if she winds up being the mastermind. Or, she could die before she makes it there! I still believe that Teruko could have the hope necessary to fit the standard protagonist mold, but DRDT is full of subversions. I look forward to seeing what happens with her character!

“The Calculating Support aids the protagonist, specifically in the logic department. They’ll bring important deductions in each Class Trial they attend, and tend to have an important role in the story’s plot. Giving them an arc where they open up more and gain friends goes a long way to endear them to the audience.”

Surprised to see Min in the support slot? Probably not. After all, it was pretty clear to me that the Chapter 1 Investigation was meant to tell us that, after Xander died, Min was going to be the real support character of the game.

… Didn’t work out so well for her, but, hey, A for effort.

Being the Ultimate Student, Min is obviously quite smart. She took a pretty active role in the Chapter 1 Trial, despite being the blackened. Being the blackened, however, limited her ability to attend more than one Trial, or have an important role in the story’s plot. That’s not to say she’s irrelevant, though– by being a false support, Min cemented her role in the story as the person to fully extinguish Teruko’s potential trust. Maybe if it was just Xander, Teruko could have believed he was just a bad apple and gone on to trust most of the others. However, after Min ALSO pretended to be her friend and was willing to sacrifice not just Teruko, but everyone else to stay alive, Teruko learned that no one was to be trusted.

I’m going to talk about subversions a lot in this post, both in analyzing things that have happened and things that I speculate might happen, because I think it’s something DRDTdev does quite well. A lot of characters, in my mind, are set up to appear like one archetype in the moment, but then do something different with the role in a creative way. Min is a subversion of the Calculating Support to make you feel the same surprise and betrayal that Teruko did. You think she’s going to be your new best friend, your Kyoko, your Chiaki, your Shuichi, and then they rip her away from you. And it sucks!

It sucks extra because Min also has a quickly implemented rendition of the “opening up to people” plot. She seems really closed off in her introduction, hiding her face behind a book, but helps everyone to bake regardless. She sees that Teruko is trying her best despite her bad luck, and develops a tentative friendship with her and the other two girls in the baking crew. Thus, when she sees her new friend being attacked, she acts on her character development and defends Teruko. Her reveal of this fact in the Class Trial endears us to her greatly before she dies, left wondering how much more sociable and helpful she could have become if she weren’t trapped in this damn killing game.

…Sorry for the downer! That’s just what happens when your new bestie is the Chapter 1 killer.

“The Chaotic Bastard causes trouble for the protagonist in unexpected and complicated ways, and drives a lot of the story’s conflicts. They’re very smart, so as to pose a serious threat to the survival of the group. Their outlandish ways give them a great chance of being the most popular and memorable character in the game.”

Thank god I’m writing this after Chapter 2 Episode 11! It makes putting David in this role much easier.

After all, it was in Chapter 2 Episode 11 that David fully revealed the main way in which he had driven the conflicts thus far– namely, his decision to encourage everyone to share their secrets in the hopes that another murder would occur. In that episode, he also has his second Rebuttal Showdown with Teruko, hitting two for two on that particular mechanic. Given that Teruko appears to be losing the second Showdown until Charles cuts in, I think that more than enough proves that David is smart, and specifically, smart enough to be a legitimate rival to Teruko.

The popularity is… well, already apparent. Although I wasn’t there at the time 2-11 dropped, all the evidence left behind seems to indicate that David quickly skyrocketed to being one of, if not the most popular character after his diabolical debut. You can really feel this role in the fandom’s reaction, I believe. Those who are fans of Junko, Nagito, or Kokichi are excitedly clapping their hands and grabbing the popcorn, whereas those who hated that trio are groaning at the thought of having to deal with one of those bastards again.

If David is meant to be a subversion of the Chaotic Bastard and not just an example of one, I honestly think the most likely way for him to do it is to survive. Yes, he could also do it by dying surprisingly early, but then the game would lack its Chaotic Bastard. Given Teruko’s arc about trusting people, missing out on her greatest antagonist could be a missed opportunity (but also, someone else could rise up to take on the role). Junko, Nagito, and Kokichi didn’t really go through positive growth arcs. Thus, it would be interesting to see what happened if a Chaotic Bastard actually made it to the end and had to change as a person.

Or, he could just actually be the Chapter 5 killer or something! Place your bets now.

“The Jerk might start off insulting the Protagonist, making themself an easy early enemy with their confrontational ways. But by the end of the story, they’ll undergo a character arc where they land beside the Protagonist as a trusted ally. The Jerk has high odds of surviving, due to their innate setup and payoff of personality.”

I’m surely not the first person to draw comparisons between Charles and Byakuya, and I likely won’t be the last. From his role in the Chapter 1 area investigation, Charles has been playing The Jerk pretty textbook. He insulted Teruko, Levi, and Arturo (and Xander and Whit in his introduction, too), setting himself up as an adversary.

And yet, we’ve already seen his character arc start to play out! Whereas Byakuya was making himself more antagonistic by messing with the crime scene, Fuyuhiko was orchestrating Mahiru’s death, and Maki was keeping her true talent a secret, Charles has made a true friend in Whit. He’s already proven to be one of Teruko’s strongest allies, respecting the kind of life she currently wants to lead while trying to convince her of the more trusting life she should lead. Between his newfound fear of blood and the realization that he forgot a good chunk of his childhood, he realized he wasn’t as infallible as he thought, and became a more understanding person as a result.

However… it’s for these exact reasons that I’m worried for him. While Byakuya, Fuyuhiko, and Maki were just beginning their arcs as of Chapter 2, given how much Charles has changed, you could argue that he’s just ended his. As is described above, the Jerk tends to survive “due to their innate setup and payoff of personality.” What happens if we’re in Chapter 2 and the Jerk has already paid off that setup?

It’s why I’m worried that Charles will be a subversion of the Jerk by dying. The Jerk typically has a long-running character arc that ends in survival; Charles has a short-running character arc that ends with a stint as a victim. It’s by no means set in stone (you don’t have to believe in any of this subversion speculation, it’s just my personal musings), but it’s a definite possibility. I get the argument for Charles surviving, as any good Jerk would, but… doesn’t it feel a little too good to be true?

“Whether they leave the game early or not, the Early Mystery sets up a question in the audience’s mind that will have renewed importance later in the story, possibly surrounding the main plot. Because secrets are within their nature, a closed-off and mysterious disposition will make it easier to not give too much away.”

Another role kinda assigned by default. Xander is the first death with a lot of secrets, hence, he’s the Early Mystery. RIP to his eligibility for the Sporty Dumbass.

There are still several questions surrounding Xander after his death. Like, was he guy in the intro? I think so, but, if that’s the case, what was the killing game he was trying to stop? Why did he need to kill Teruko, and, who was the one that wrote that note telling him to do so? What happened to his eye? The motive secrets were released after he died– which one was his?

Well, okay, Xander’s Bonus Episode Visiting Graves made it fairly clear that his secret is probably the “dead parents and siblings” one. But, about that Bonus Episode– what exactly happened in North C and Chariton? How was the Spurling Foundation involved, and what relevance does it have to the killing game? What document was he looking for at “Unnamed Student’s” request? These are just a few questions I’d like to ask of Xander that I can’t without a ouija board.

As a final note, I will add that Xander really didn’t have the closed-off and mysterious disposition that I wrote about above. However, I never said that was a necessity. Honestly, I think it’s much more fun that DRDTdev went down the path of making him so sociable and friendly that he didn’t give too much away. Xander was too busy arm wrestling Ace and fanboying over David; he didn’t have time to loredump!

“The Stalker is obsessed with another member of the cast, often in a romantic manner that the other person doesn’t reciprocate. They’re very over-the-top comedic relief, with silly sprites. In a lighter setting, you could boil this role down to ‘someone whose characterization is unignorably tied to another character.’”

Well, DRDT is definitely not a lighter setting. However, you could still make a pretty good argument that Arturo’s character as it is now would be far less potent without J’s presence.

Similar to David, Arturo’s stalker-hood only comes into play in Chapter 2, once J is revealed as a celebrity. I don’t think he’s necessarily romantically interested in J (moreso in her mom, honestly), but it’s definitely true that J does not condone his actions. And yet, Arturo follows her around, so intensely single-minded that it’s darkly comedic. Both Arturo’s mega simp sprites and intense reactions of disgust qualify for over-the-top silly sprites– I know I’ve gotten some good laughs out of them, especially when paired with the “beneath me!” or “beautiful people~!” voice lines.

It’ll be interesting to see how Arturo reacts to J in Chapter 3’s daily life (assuming both of them make it there) after she betrayed him by revealing his secret. Sonia and Himiko never really had a big declaration of war on Kazuichi or Tenko, and Toko was enough of a simp that she bounced back from Byakuya underhandedly revealing her identity as Genocide Jack. Will Arturo be the same?

Alternately, if J is the Chapter 2 blackened (as many people predict), it would be interesting to explore what the Stalker archetype would do if the object of their affections was suddenly gone. Toko and Byakuya and Kazuichi and Sonia both survived together, and although Himiko survived, Tenko died. Given that Arturo did have more of a character established before he started bothering J, maybe he would just return to that state? I’m not sure what purpose there would have been for building that relationship in that case, then, but I’m sure it would be something.

“No way around this one: the Horny One is horny. When there’s a lull in conversation, they’ll spout some sexual humor that’ll leave the audience cackling or cringing. They direct their comments at everyone, not one person in particular. If this type of humor’s not your favorite, they can be substituted with different comedic relief.”

Whit… Whit my boy… there is so much more to your character than being the Horny One… you’re not even that horny… I’m sorry…

Still though, I think this is the right place for him. Whit is quite flirtatious, even if it’s not as outrageously sexual as something like what Teruteru or Miu would say. He also has spread his commentary around– not by much, but he’s at least said flirtatious things to both Teruko and Charles, and suggested that Teruko and Xander should be a couple. As far as I remember, he’s one of only two characters to bring up sex by name (source: his and Charles’ FTE), the other being MonoTV (I am NOT scrubbing through the entire series to confirm this is true).

Additionally, there’s the angle that I tacked on to the end: if being horny isn’t the author’s style, they can sub in a different comedic relief. This DEFINITELY works. Whit constantly cracks jokes with the canonical intention to make people smile. Even beyond his role in the story, I think he sees himself as the group’s comic relief. And, sometimes, those jokes happen to be a bit flirtatious in nature. That just helps him fill the role even better!

In terms of subversions and predictions, I think it would have to be giving him a more serious role in the story. None of Hifumi, Teruteru, or Miu really have any sort of long-lasting dramatic weight to their character. Hifumi’s only major relationship is to Celeste, which is played for laughs to show how pathetic he is. Teruteru is gone too soon to have a major impact on a cast that initially dislikes him, even if his tragic relationship with his mother makes a good run for its money. Miu survives the longest, and thus is probably the most important of the trio. But, even still, her relationships with Kokichi and Kiibo don’t lead to her character making any sort of major changes.

It could definitely be a subversion of the silly Horny One trope to give it the seriously important role of being the mastermind. Or, Whit could have his heart jerked around by our resident Jerk’s death, and have to figure out who he is when he’s incapable of laughing it off. Either option seems to project a long run onto his character… so, this analysis is definitely true! There’s absolutely no way that Whit could die early, and no best boy privileges were invoked in the typing of that sentence!

“Although the Sacrificial Strong One’s biceps are large, their heart is the strongest muscle of all. They’re a reliably kind member of the cast whose mental and physical fortitude are instantly likable. To tug at the audience’s heartstrings, they’re often involved in a sacrifice of some sort… willingly or not. But probably in Ch4.”

Look, man: even if Levi doesn’t actually get buff cursed in Chapter 4, it’s pretty clear that that’s the sort of thought we were all supposed to have when we first looked at him. He’s contemplative like Sakura, helpful like Nekomaru, and strives to be a good person like Gonta. He’s the only noticeably muscular member of the cast, even though Xander is very clearly stronger than him.

Not to mention, he already was involved in a sacrifice (sort of) in the Prologue. He was the one to attack MonoTV in hopes of ending the killing game. Sure, he probably wasn’t expecting to get attacked and nearly killed in return, but he also never outwardly regrets doing it, either. Yup! Levi is just a super strong sweetheart who might die, but if he does, it’ll probably be in a totally wholesome way.

…

… Subversion time!

Based on literally my own poll, I know that the majority of the fandom thinks that Levi will be the blackened of this very chapter. And, while it’s still possible that Arei’s death could have been a sacrifice of some sort, it seems unlikely given the probably brutal way she was killed (most sacrifices wouldn’t involve snapping your volunteer’s neck, I think). Especially if part of Levi’s motive was the secret that’s likely his, the “murderer without remorse” one. If Levi killed without remorse once, it’s possible he could do it again. And while it’s not like Sakura or Nekomaru seemed to regret what they did much, they themselves were the victims. That makes it a lot more likely that all parties would consent to the situation.

If you don’t think Levi will die as the blackened, there are still other options as well, obviously. Such as Levi Accomplice Theory, my personal favorite! That would be an extra level of subversion to the sacrifice. If he were helping a different blackened as an accomplice, instead of sacrificing himself, he would potentially be willing to sacrifice the others. Given that accomplice!Levi would probably make it through this Trial, he would be faced with the hatred of everyone who knew that he was willing to gamble their lives.

Levi could also not be involved in Arei’s death at all. That leaves the door open for him to still be a real, genuine Chapter 4 sacrifice. Or, let’s say that Ace either dies as the Chapter 2 killer or continues to hate and distrust Levi, pushing Levi to the brink (“why do I even bother?”). He could still become a blackened for selfish reasons abd subvert the stereotype, just on a later time frame.

Or, Levi could just survive! That’s something that the Sacrificial Strong One hasn’t done yet. It’s weirdly easy to forget that’s a possibility…

“The Caretaker takes a role of guidance and leadership for the cast in a stern, parental sort of way. Although they might have some old-fashioned ideals, they’re friendly and reliable. They tend to die early as an easy way to make things hard for the other characters, left mourning someone who didn’t deserve what they got.”

Well, that was easy. Hu definitely plays the role of the mom friend, admitting herself that she needs people to rely on her or else she’ll feel useless. She guides the group in several ways, such as when she advises Teruko to pair up with Charles in the Chapter 1 Area Investigation or gives Nico her support during their outing.

While I don’t think she believes in old-fashioned ideals the same way that someone like Mahiru does, her character is undeniably connected with the past and tradition. She plays an ancient instrument, and chose to go by the name “Hu Jing” to honor her parents and the name they gave her.

Where Hu’s character will go with regards to this archetype (and in general) is an interesting debate. Hu was the second most anticipated blackened for this chapter as per the poll, so if she did kill Arei, it could contrast the “friendly leadership” idea. However, it’s not like Kirumi wasn’t the Chapter 2 blackened– and for somewhat selfish reasons, too. Some could argue that it just means that it’s even more likely that it’s possible to happen, and I’m not totally opposed to the idea. But I want to consider options where Hu doesn’t die in Chapter 2 as well (considering she’s not even my personal blackened pick).

Assuming she (and everyone else I mention; you can remove the others if you think they die) survives into the next chapter, Hu will be in a very interesting place. Given that David has defected, she’s probably the last shot at a leader that the group’s got at the moment, making her a perfect Caretaker. Or, maybe not so perfect: Ace already hates her, Nico may grow offended at her babying, and David will probably be trying to undermine her efforts.

Hu could subvert the expectations of a Caretaker by being more opposed than anyone else was. Although Taka fell from his position as leader, nobody resented him for the intense grief he felt. Some of the boys might have disliked Mahiru because of her gender-based insults, but she was never a publicly opposed figure. Everyone relied on and loved Kirumi in Daily Life, and even after she tried to get them all killed so she could escape, people thought about condoning the sacrifice and rooted for her to escape.

There’s also the matter of Hu's hidden quote, “I want to pay for what I’ve done. But even then, I still want to live.” That suggests that she might do something controversial in the future that she’ll want to apologize for. If she is a more controversial figure, then the “mourning [Hu, who] didn’t deserve what [she] got” might not happen. She could become more of a villain.

Like Levi, there’s also the option where she survives! As stated, the Caretaker is a role that typically dies, and dies early. It would be interesting to see how a level-headed leader would react to the typical endgame craziness, especially in a Trial 6. Would Hu keep her cool and be a figure that everyone can rely on, or would she not be able to handle all the chaos and pop off? A late game finish, especially as a Chapter 4 or 5 blackened, would also be really interesting to explore– the rise and fall of someone who started off only wanting to help.

If it wasn’t already obvious, I really hope Hu survives this trial, because there are a lot of interesting places her character could go from here. In my opinion, she’s probably the character we’ve gotten the least individual focus on in the content so far. I’m speculating that that may mean she’ll be a central figure in Chapter 3, but we’ll see how the end of the Trial plays out.

“The Space Case is a weird but fun character that provides some bizarre comedic levity in dark moments. While they’re generally amiable people, there’s something undeniably weird about them that makes the protagonist hesitant to get too close at first. Their talent is likely artistic or metaphysical in nature.”

Aw yeah, check out that artist going on the art one! #ArtMoment.

Even so, it’s no stretch of the imagination to call Rose a Space Case. Although she’s generally pretty logical, not making the same kinds of bizarre claims that Hiro, Ibuki, or Angie would, her forgetfulness makes her come off as a bit of an airhead. Her thoughts can appear odd, like saying that she was staring at the paint, before she explains herself.

That “forgetfulness” is also the thing that makes Teruko hesitant to get close to her. Well, okay, maybe not Teruko– she doesn’t need any help not getting close to people– but, for all of the others! Rose has notably few friends, and the person who was arguably closest to her, Nico, (probably) betrayed her by stealing the turpentine from under her nose to kill Ace. Clearly, something about Rose is keeping people away from her, and I think it’s how little she appears to be taking the game seriously.

With the focus on her tragic backstory in Chapter 2, it’s also weirdly easy to forget how funny Rose is. She’s the center of a lot of great jokes! Her falling asleep at the table, suddenly throwing black paint all over her masterpiece, and pulling out the smart guy glasses when running her chromatography exercise are all great examples of how she’s still an effective comic relief character, haunting nightmares be damned.

Speaking of, Rose’s melancholy, her “ego cogito ergo (turbatus) sum” lifestyle, is the main way that she subverts the Space Case archetype. Space Cases aren’t supposed to have deep, tragic regrets, they’re supposed to make silly predictions and refer to themselves in the third person…! Angie was definitely more of a force to be reckoned with than Hiro or Ibuki, but even then, the Student Council made her more of a frightening enemy than a pitiable figure. It’s an interesting contrast to give a character who’s so disconnected from reality a backstory that firmly, inescapably ties to it.

Furthermore, the Space Case has never been a killer. Does this mean that Rose could be pushed to kill by the debt that weighs her family down or the desire to preserve her mind before it’s further plagued with despairful imagery? Eh, maybe. I still think that Rose might survive, but that’s a straight up vibe check with no actual textual evidence to point to. Just… watch out for Chapter 3, queen. Ibuki and Angie are rooting for you…!

“Although they have their clear quirks, the Nice One is a generally friendly and normal character that the protagonist can befriend without much issue. They can be important as a relatable everyman that reacts to bizarre events or twists realistically. The main criticism they’ll probably face is being too boring, basic, or underdeveloped.”

Similar to how the protagonist in the killing game doesn’t typically take much issue with the Nice One, I don’t think many people would take much issue with me calling Eden a nice person. A Good Person, even. Haha. Ha.

Like Hina with her donuts, Sonia with her serial killers, or Kiibo with learning to be human, Eden is a little quirky. Her addition of extra sprinkles and the idea to put silly faces on the clock faces endear her to us by reminding us of the cheerful people in our day-to-day lives. Most people could also probably relate to her crying reactions in stressful Class Trial moments or body discoveries. After all, if most of us were really there, we probably wouldn’t have the level head Teruko manages to keep.

Despite it only being Chapter 2, however, I feel like Eden has dodged many of the criticisms of bland characterization that Hina, Sonia, and Kiibo have faced. That’s because in only two chapters, Eden has established herself as a central figure in this story (or at least the story of this chapter). She’s had moments of doubt and moments of pride, tried to reunite the group yet failed to execute her goals, and given Teruko a rundown on her entire worldview. Eden has undoubtedly changed a lot through her relationship with Arei.

If subversions are at play with Eden, I think it’s almost certain that she dies at some point. I know that Kiibo isn’t technically a survivor of v3, but he absolutely could have been. If you come at it from that perspective, then the only archetypes with three survivors in it are the Nice One and the Jerk, and I’ve already laid out why I don’t think Charles is going to survive. Not even the Protagonist makes it out with three survivors…!

Anyways, if you’ve been following my DRDT viewing experience, you probably already know that I believe Eden to be the blackened of Chapter 2. Such an early death, especially one with such a brutal murder method, would be a total blindside on what people would expect from the Nice One. Some people might say that it would be such a blindside that it would be character assassination were it to happen, but I believe that the groundwork has been laid such that she could plausibly be the killer AND the same ol’ nice Eden that we’ve come to love throughout the first two chapters.

Alternately, she could also die later in the story. I think in pretty much any situation, being a killer would be a more interesting twist on the Nice One than being a victim. A Nice One victim would probably be more of a “oh no, they were so kind, who would have done this?”, while a killer would follow more of a fall from grace. I would rather see the latter as a deeper dive into her character and what might cause a nice character like her to snap, but I’m aware that’s just my opinion. Either way, I sadly don’t think Eden will be a survivor of this game. If I’m proven wrong, though, I wouldn’t be mad– the DRDT universe clearly needs more Nice Ones in it.

“The Quiet Victim is a shy or anxious character who may initially struggle to meaningfully communicate with the rest of the cast. They were probably a victim of bullying in the past. While the audience initially pities them, their development will make the audience solidify an opinion in the end, whether positive or negative.”

Anxious? Check. Struggle talking? Check. Bullied in the past? Not only bullied, but overwhelmingly discriminated against as well– triple check. Man, this character analysis thing is easy! (/j)

Still, Nico definitely feels like the Chihiro of their cast, down to the focus on gender and association with a murder in the Gym. While they do still say some blunt things in Chapter 1, there’s much more of a focus and explanation of it in Chapter 2. Thus, I think it’d be fair to say that the writing may have intentionally made Nico seem like more of a Quiet Victim than they appeared to be just to better pull the rug out from under us later. Increase the pity so that there’s more of a WTF moment when they go sicko mode on Ace.

The Shy Victim already has a lot of variation to it, which makes it difficult to assess how Nico’s character might play out whether you think DRDTdev is playing it by the book or running with a subversion. Chihiro was a Quiet Victim who tried to become brave, and became a tragic early victim because of it. Mikan was a Quiet Victim who’s helpful heart led to her accidental corruption, transforming her into an unforgivable blackened for the sake of despair. Himiko was a Quiet Victim who found encouragement from Tenko and solace with Angie, and mourning both of their deaths turned her into a worthwhile survivor. So, what about Nico?

If I had to speculate (which, of course, this entire post is entirely consisted of), I would say that Nico is going for a “Mikan, but better” scenario. Nico’s already had the moral grayness and (attempted) murder inserted into their character, now they just have to reap the narrative rewards. Unlike Mikan, Nico’s character development was internally motivated (well, okay, it was externally motivated by Ace, but that bullying made Nico have an internal revelation) instead of being forcibly enacted by a magical disease. That makes any changes or consequences that occur feel much more fair for their character. Giving them some time after their probable lowest point also gives them time for a potential redemption arc, which could be very interesting to see.

I still guess that Nico will probably die in Chapter 3 or 4, but that’s another entirely unsubstantiated opinion. If they did survive, though, that’d be a W for the nonbinary community, so 👍 Rooting for ya, buddy!

“The Fandom’s Scapegoat is a unique role, being more determined by reception than the actual text. In the story, the character takes some morally gray actions. For whatever reasons, the fandom then decides to hate them, being hypocritically harder on them as compared to others. Their fans, however, will defend them to the death.”

Oh boy. Look, I don’t enjoy putting J here. I don’t want to imply that I don’t think anybody likes J, or that people shouldn’t like J, because that’s not how I feel at all! Honestly, this role is kind of broken, and if I were to make this post again, I’d probably change it.

The role would be titled something more like “The Poorly Remembered,” and focus more on how their writing seems to leave the audience remembering one of their worst, if not their worst, traits. For Sayaka, her betrayal, for Hiyoko, her bullying and whininess, and for Tsumugi, her repetitive plainness and the unpopular twist she heralded. There’s more to all of their characters than just those few traits, but it can be easy to forget that based on how their stories ended.

J still wouldn’t fit that role super well, as there are many more obvious reasons to like her character. Her blunt insults can be funny, her tsundere moments are pretty cute, and you can’t help but feel bad for her as a victim of Arturo’s stalking. Still, I would say that her most prominent character trait is her hatred of all things girly and subsequent denouncement of her mom, which can be annoying to some. I have a personal pet peeve against “just like other girl” types (I still like J enough, don’t worry), so hopefully that isn’t bleeding into my analysis too much.

Still, out of the cast, I think J might fit the Fandom’s Scapegoat role the best. Thankfully I’ve never seen anybody insist that she should just give Arturo a chance, because that’s definitely the wrong move. She did take a morally gray action surrounding Arturo, though, which is when she revealed his secret in the Class Trial. While it was probably the right thing to do, given that everyone will die if the truth isn’t revealed, the manner in which she did it speaks to a potential sadistic side.

I’ve also seen the sentiment spread that in Trial 2 (and maybe Trial 1 as well, I wasn’t in the fandom at that time) some people believe in swap theory because they would simply prefer J to be dead over Arei, who they like better. Similarly, some people were willing to believe that J could be the killer in either chapter simply because she was the character people were most willing to part with. I am well aware that not EVERYONE who believes in swap theory or J as the killer did it for these reasons, but I am also under the impression that some people did. However, J is obviously not without her fans, and just like fans of Sayaka, Hiyoko, and Tsumugi, those fans will defend her to the death.

Given that the role is kind of broken and can be pretty much anything (attempted first killer turned first victim, sudden third victim who was conceptualized as a survivor, mastermind who was secretly the first killer), I have no idea what to say about J’s future in this game. I think that her remote and her talent are incredibly suspicious for being a killer. I think that her struggles to break away from her mother’s fame, only to be confronted by it time and time again, could make her a very tragic victim or a worthy survivor. I think that the idea of her and Ryan masterminding the killing game together is really fun and interesting. J’s role in Despair Time is a mystery to me, which is great! I can’t wait to be surprised by whatever she has in store in the future.

“The Strange Actor immediately stands out to the Protagonist for their unique, potentially dark style. They’re a mysterious character that deals with themes of lying and/or perceived, strange identities. However, that doesn’t stop them from being theatrical and showoff-ish, recognizable in any scene they’re in."

Dark style? Call in the Horror Fanatic to do the job right!

Veronika isn’t exactly as mysterious as somebody like Kiyo, but I think she embodies the ideals of the Strange Actor pretty well. I think the point is more so that, even if Veronika tells us exactly who she is and what she stands for, we (or at least most of us) still can’t empathize with her. This makes her stand out as a weird character that you could truly only find in a Danganronpa-brand killing game. That sort of vibe is what makes Veronika a good Strange Actor in my mind.

It’s much easier to fit her theatricality and dark style to the Strange Actor than it is her themes. The way she outwardly admires the most messed up of characters and seems delighted at signs of conflict steal the show whenever she’s on screen. The same kind of goes with her various horror-based fun facts (just due to how interesting they are), although that’s a trait that many of DRDT’s Ultimates share. The girl wears eyeballs as hairpins. I really don’t think I needed to elaborate this much.

Similar to the Horny One, I think that the best way for Veronika to subvert her archetype would be as an actually important character. Celeste and Kiyo both die as third killers, and while they’re important in the moments of each of their Class Trials, they don’t really factor into the main plot or the endgame. Gundham is definitely more important as the fourth killer and an important person to Sonia, but he’s overall silly enough that he kind of feels divorced from the main storyline.

Veronika could accomplish this in a few ways. One is with the theory that Veronika is the mastermind. That would be very convenient for the sake of my Color Theory, and a fun instance of hiding in plain sight to have the mastermind be someone who was noticeably enjoying the killing game all along. She could also be a Chapter 5 death, either as the killer (more straightforward) or the victim (but probably in a Nagito or Kokichi kind of way). Being a survivor would also make Veronika an important character, although that kind of feels like too much of a subversion, even for me.

As a final note, I’ll add that, depending on how the story goes, I think Veronika could potentially swap archetypes with Arturo or David down the road. Arturo’s dramatic attitude also stands out, and his focus on appearances fits with themes of identity; David is an Ultimate Public Speaker all about lying and acting in the way he wants the world to see him. Meanwhile, Veronika already kind of stalks Arturo and may continue to stalk David, and I just mentioned how her fate may mirror that of Nagito or Kokichi, two Chaotic Bastards.

Pretty interesting, huh? I bet if Veronika were here, she’d be a fan of this discussion.

“The Sporty Dumbass is a ‘punch first, ask questions later’ kind of character who’s willing to put everything on the line for their beliefs. Despite their jockish appearance, the Sporty Dumbass has a lot of heart, with emotion playing into their characterization in a major way. Basically, a himbo, except with a little more fight.”

If you don’t think that emotion plays into Ace’s characterization in a major way, I advise you to watch DRDT again. Of course, I’d generally advise that people rewatch DRDT because it’s a really good story, but, I digress.

Ace has emotionally overloaded reactions to pretty much everything. He’s super scared when Xander threatens to fight him, super pissed at Levi’s betrayal, and super sadistic when it comes to asserting his power over Nico. We already saw him put everything on the line for his beliefs when he admitted to holding back key evidence (the conversation he overheard between David and Arei) because he was so convinced that Nico was the killer. He leads with his heart, his brains a distant afterthought.

However, just because Ace leads with his heart doesn’t mean he has to be nice about it. And, I think that’s the main way that he subverts the archetype of the Sporty Dumbass: he’s a mean little dude! Leon wasn’t the nicest either, but he tried to get along with people like Mondo and was genuinely interested in Sayaka. He may have been the first killer, but that wasn’t even his choice– he may not have decided to hurt anybody if he wasn’t already put in a life-threatening situation. Akane can be kind of careless, but she had a strong connection with Nekomaru, and was generally willing to lend a helping hand. Kaito is by far the most caring of the bunch, giving his all to motivate Shuichi and Maki while he was still alive.

Ace has no friends. Most people want to stay far away from him, and the few that don’t, he pushes away. He has a lot more fight and general malice than the typical himbo. Thus, no matter what he does, he can’t be a straightforward Sporty Dumbass.

As such, I don’t have any strong subversion-based predictions for where his character would go. We already had a first killer, survivor, and fifth killer, so if we were just picking on what’s straight up the most different, it would be… middling victim, I guess? (Nico already tried their best…) Chapter 3 or 4 victim is certainly possible for Ace, but so is him still being the Chapter 2 killer in my mind. I sort of get survivor vibes from him, although I can’t pinpoint exactly why. I guess it’s just because his character has a lot of room to grow, possibly in a redemption kind of way? Or because it’d be kinda weird for him to almost die in Chapter 2, only for him to die for real a chapter or two later…?

Thankfully, I know I’m not the only one who believes in Ace’s chances of survival, so I know I don’t sound like a clown on this particular point. The jockish jockey boy may be around for a while yet, so perhaps he can have a change of heart.

“The Physical Threat is immediately noted by the protagonist as someone who, whether due to their talent or backstory, is someone who could easily kill others. The Physical Threat’s demeanor backs this up, their severity intimidating. But, don’t worry: there’s probably a soft spot down there just begging to be exposed!”

Now, I know that Arei isn’t actually noted as the biggest physical threat when the cast first meets– it’s Levi, though it should be Xander– but, hear me out. I put Mondo in here even though people were way more afraid of Sakura than him. Similarly, I think Arei still fits this archetype well, even if she wasn’t denoted as the scariest.

Part of this is because the emotions you’re supposed to come out of Arei’s introduction feeling are “disturbed and uncomfortable.” Xander certainly looks that way after Arei’s departure when he calls her “rude and disrespectful.” He and Teruko quickly turn the topic of conversation towards the subject of Xander getting into fights, which is a bit unrelated, but ends with Teruko telling Xander that he should stop getting into so many fights. An underlying message is that Xander shouldn’t get into any more fights with Arei, because based on the outcome of that (verbal) fight, he’d totally lose.

That’s not to say Arei isn’t physically intimidating as well! When I think of Arei’s strength, the first thing I think of is the thumbnail of Chapter 2 Episode 4, the CG where she strangles MonoTV with her own rope. She reminds us in the ensuing conversation that she can toss a bowling ball with ease, and her victory in the arm wrestling competition highlights her brutality. Eden was certainly scared of her once upon a time, although that was once again more in the mental department.

In terms of subversions… well, one department in which she isn’t winning is the death order. As you may have noted, every Physical Threat dies unfortunately in Chapter 2. Assuming you’re of the belief that Arei is really dead, then she played directly into that stereotype. The pattern was probably borne of another way to make the remaining cast fear the killing game. If even the most immediately threatening person can die at the start, then how can they really think they can make it out alive?

I think that Arei improves the archetype of the Physical Threat by having more of a character arc of her own, even in a limited time. Mondo changes slightly by admitting Taka as his friend, but he never resolved any of the trauma of his brother’s death. Peko was on the verge of realizing that she was more than a tool to Fuyuhiko, but her execution got in the way of her being able to act upon it at all. Ryoma very pointedly doesn’t change at all (other than arguably becoming more depressed), which is why Kirumi decides to take advantage of him.

Although Arei similarly got cut off just as she was beginning to change, we at least got to see more of what a changed Arei would be like before she died. That change was very plot relevant, too, as without it, Arei might not have died (sad :( ). There was more time and focus put into her character arc than there was into Mondo’s or Peko’s, even within an otherwise packed chapter. Just another reason to appreciate DRDT’s superb writing and characterization!

And, that’s the end! I hope that was as fun for you to read as it was indulgent for me to write. If people really like this, maybe I’ll consider running it for another fangan in the future, like DRA, SDRA2, or Eden’s Garden (although I’d probably need at least one genuine chapter before I write that one). Any of those casts would fit these archetypes worse than DRDT, but, well, that’s what makes DRDT a good starting place for explaining how it could apply to a fangan. I kinda doubt this’ll super blow up, given how long and dense it turned out, but… eh, maybe it’ll ~subvert~ my expectations.

…if you took a shot every time I said “subversion” in this post, you’d be deader than Xander–

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mozart-the-meerkitten · 1 year

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Alright I am back to talk about my boy Peet again, specifically how he was introduced in episode 2 of the Wingfeather TV show. He technically appears in episode 1, but it’s only for a few seconds (and I’ve written a different post about that here).

What I want to talk about is how his character is formerly introduced to the audience in episode 2, “The Mysterious Map”. Peet is in this episode for all of about two minutes but man did they pack a LOT into those two minutes. I’ve said before that every second he’s on screen in the first two episodes of the show is telling us something about him, so let’s take a look, shall we? (there shouldn’t be any spoilers for the books except maybe little teeny tiny ones, I tried really hard to make this accessible to new fans.)

We first properly meet Peet (and learn his name, if you’re new) when Janner goes into Glipwood Forest to retrieve Sara’s zibzy ball. Just as he finds the ball, a mysterious silhouette drops down behind him.

Now, the lighting here is really interesting, because while Peet is in shadow and we can’t see him, there’s still a sunbeam shining down on him. So while his entrance initially seems sinister the lighting is telling us otherwise. This is very much a hero pose that Peet is doing here, and, interestingly enough, he’s also bowing, which he does a couple times in the very short bit he’s on screen, which means it’s a significant detail.

You can see it even more clearly in this shot- the bowing and the sunlight streaming down on him. The imagery is telling us very clearly “this man is good, he can be trusted” (maybe even hinting that he has a noble heart, which anyone who knows the story knows is true). It’s giving us a positive impression of Peet before we know anything about him, even while Janner is still nervous. It’s telling us that while Glipwood Forest is dangerous, this man is not- at least, not to our heroes.

And then we cut to THIS and first of all, have you ever seen a softer, kinder expression on anyone? Second, he’s still in the light- actually, that’s a theme with Peet in this episode; except for the first couple shots he’s in he stays solidly in the light almost the whole time. It’s even giving him a bit of a halo effect here, which is more imagery associated with good, noble characters. He is good and the story wants you to know that- needs you to know it, because they don’t have a lot of time here and we won’t learn much about who Peet is and his motives until the end of season 1 (if they follow the book’s framework there, which I’m assuming they would since there’s no reason not to).

In a sadder frame of analysis, it’s also pretty easy to see that Peet is… not doing great. We don’t know much about him at this point, except that he wears socks on his hands and does amazing acrobatics, but when we first meet him here you get a better sense of his mental state. Not only does he have trouble talking to Janner and act confused (“Oh, hey Peet, what are you doing here?” “Where? Oh! Here. Me.”) he’s also got bags under his eyes (to carry all the trauma), his hair and general appearance is unkempt, and if you look closely you can see what are either splotches of dirt, bruises or scars on his arms and legs which just. makes me worry about him even more.

The way he talks to Janner is also important. He doesn’t say much, but his voice is very soft, he seems to be whispering at first, like he’s afraid of scaring Janner away (;-;) and he only talks a little louder after Janner asks him a question. The way he’s framed in the shots of this scene, how he talks and how soft and gentle his expressions are all speak to the fact that he is kind and good. At the same time we find out about his mental confusion when Janner asks him what he’s doing in the forest and he doesn’t know how to answer the question.

So we have a mentally unwell, kind, noble, sort of weird fellow, who for some reason appears to Janner in the woods. We don’t know why exactly he jumped down from the tree to talk to Janner, because he’s interrupted before he can explain what he’s doing there, but knowing what we do from the books an educated guess can be made that he was keeping an eye on Janner and the other Igiby kids from the woods (he was watching their zibzy game and you can’t convince me otherwise) and when Janner ventured in and seemed frightened, Peet jumped down to make sure he was alright.

So that’s one micro scene. It’s showing us Peet’s caring side, that he might be weird and wear socks on his hands but he’s also kind and gentle to scared children lost in the woods.

The second tiny scene shows us the other side of him.

So Janner’s kind of been being harassed by this little critter (I think it’s a thwapperfly) since he entered the forest. It flies over and dive bombs him while he’s talking to Peet and even right here you can see how Peet’s expression changes. Before he was all softness, but now you can see his face turn more serious. (He’s also still in the light here, though partially shadowed)

(Wait wait, and Janner in that shot and this next one is in the light and oh no, oh gosh, Janner’s practically glowing in the screenshot below and there’s a sort of subtle divide between him and Peet in the lighting which is showing us that Janner is Peet’s light, Janner is literally bringing him into the light without even realizing it just by existing- which is representing what all the kids have a hand in doing for Peet which is bringing him out of darkness and into the light and hope and oh jeeze, oh gosh, I need a minute-)

Peet tenses, and it’s hard to see here but his whole expression changes, hardens. Because now Janner is afraid and Peet can’t let that stand. You can watch him track the thwapperfly’s movement like he’s zeroing in on a threat (because he is).

The thwapperfly circles back around for another attack and Peet’s reaction is immediate and instantaneous. He places himself between Janner and the danger:

Notice how fierce he suddenly is compared to how he was a moment ago when it was just him and Janner. This is Peet in protect mode and it’s showing us a lot of things. One is that he is 100% ready to throw down at any moment to protect Janner and the other Igiby kids- even if the threat is insignificant! Because I really doubt a thwapperfly could badly hurt Janner but that doesn’t matter to Peet because Janner is scared, and Peet cares more about making this kid feel safe than if the threat is actually dangerous or not. We don’t know why yet but he is.

Second, Peet is a very effective fighter! He not only jumps in front of Janner with lighting fast reflexes, he bats the thwapperfly away the second it gets close, and he does it in a practiced, easy way that tells you he’s used to defending himself (or others). He never hesitates for a second during any of this, just does it. It’s the sanest and most purposeful thing we’ve seen him do and he does it to protect our main character.

(Wait, oh, wait, hang on, another thing- Janner’s in the dark now and Peet is leaning into the light. Peet knows what’s going on here, he knows why he’s protecting Janner, but Janner has no idea! Janner is in the dark about what’s happening! That’s so clever I’m just-)

And then Peet catches Sara’s zibzy ball out of midair and skips away cackling delightedly.

Also note that this is one of the times we see him walking out of the light, though interestingly he’s still not shadowed significantly. And it’s the moment where he slips from protect back into the silly Sockman. (from his true self and into what he’s been forced to become)

I’m almost at tumblr’s image limit and I still have a ways to go with this analysis, so I’m going to stop there for the moment to continue this in a second post. Feel free to comment with your thoughts! I’m having a lot of fun with this :D

#the wingfeather saga #the wfs #the wingfeather saga tv show #peet the sockman #janner igiby #finally getting to use the skills I learned in cinema class again #I LOVED THIS SCENE SO MUCH #I loved so much how they introduced my boy #don't read the rest of my tags if you don't want spoilers #artham wingfeather #janner wingfeather

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homosexuhauls · 3 years

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15 JUNE, 2021 by Chimamanda Ngozi-Adichie

IT IS OBSCENE: A TRUE REFLECTION IN THREE PARTS

PART ONE

When you are a public figure, people will write and say false things about you. It comes with the territory. Many of those things you brush aside. Many you ignore. The people close to you advise you that silence is best. And it often is. Sometimes, though, silence makes a lie begin to take on the shimmer of truth.

In this age of social media, where a story travels the world in minutes, silence sometimes means that other people can hijack your story and soon, their false version becomes the defining story about you.

Falsehood flies, and the Truth comes limping after it, as Jonathan Swift wrote.

Take the case of a young woman who attended my Lagos writing workshop some years ago; she stood out because she was bright and interested in feminism.

After the workshop, I welcomed her into my life. I very rarely do this, because my past experiences with young Nigerians left me wary of people who are calculating and insincere and want to use me only as an opportunity. But she was a Bright Young Nigerian Feminist and I thought that was worth making an exception.

She spent time in my Lagos home. We had long conversations. I was support-giver, counsellor, comforter.

Then I gave an interview in March 2017 in which I said that a trans woman is a trans woman, (the larger point of which was to say that we should be able to acknowledge difference while being fully inclusive, that in fact the whole premise of inclusiveness is difference.)

I was told she went on social media and insulted me.

This woman knows me enough to know that I fully support the rights of trans people and all marginalized people. That I have always been fiercely supportive of difference, in general. And that I am a person who reads and thinks and forms my opinions in a carefully considered way.

Of course she could very well have had concerns with the interview. That is fair enough. But I had a personal relationship with her. She could have emailed or called or texted me. Instead she went on social media to put on a public performance.

I was stunned. I couldn’t believe it. But I mostly held myself responsible. My spirit had been slightly stalled, from the beginning, by her. My first sense of unease with her came when she posted a photo taken in my house, at a time when I did not want any photos of my personal life on social media. I asked that she take it down. The second case of unease was her publicizing something I had told her in confidence about another member of the workshop. The most upsetting was when she, without telling me, used my name to apply for an American visa. Above all else was my lingering suspicion that she was a person who chose as friends only those from whom she could benefit. But she was a Bright Young Nigerian Feminist and I allowed that sentiment to over-ride my unease.

After she publicly insulted me, it was clear to me that this kind of noxious person had no business in my life, ever again.

A few months later, she sent this affected, self-regarding email which I ignored.

Friday September 15 2017 at 4.35 AM

Dearest Chimamanda,

Happy birthday. I mean this with all my heart, even though I know I have fallen (removed myself?) from your grace. It would be impossible for me to stop loving you; long before you gave me the possibility of being your friend you were the embodiment of my deepest hopes, and that will never change.

I think of you often, still – stating the obvious. I grieve the loss of our friendship; it is a complicated sadness. I’m sorry that I caused you pain, or to feel like you can no longer trust me. There’s so much that I wish could be said.

I pray this birthday is the happiest one yet. I wish you rest and quiet and abiding stability, and of course more of the kind of success that means the most to you.

I hope mothering X is everything you hoped and prayed for and more.

Have a wonderful day today.

Love always.

About a year later, she sent this email, which I also ignored.

Thursday November 29 2018 at 8.42 AM

Dear Chimamanda,

I realise this is long overdue and vastly insufficient, but I’m really sorry. I’ve spent so much time going back and forth in my head and my email drafts; wondering whether to write you, how to write you, what to say, all kinds of things. But in the end, this is the thing I realise I need to say.

I’m sorry I disappointed and hurt you by saying things publicly that were sharply critical, unkind and even disrespectful, especially in light of all the backlash and criticism you experience from people who don’t know you. I could have acted with more consideration towards you. I should have, especially given the privilege of intimacy that you had offered me. There are many reasons why I chose to behave the way I did, but none of them is an excuse. And I clearly realise now, after many, many months of needless sadness and angst and hurt and actual confusion, that I did not treat you as a friend would—certainly not as someone would to whom you had offered unprecedented access to yourself and your life.

You’ve meant the world to me since I was barely a teenager. It’s been very hard navigating the emotional fallout of the past several months, knowing you were displeased with me but truly not quite understanding why, then deciding I didn’t care, then realising that would never be true. I’ve always cared. But I was too mixed up about the situation to be able to make sense of it, or properly see past my own justifications. I’m sorry it took me so long to grasp how I let you down.

I realise that I don’t have room to ask anything of you, but I would be grateful for a chance to say this in person. Still, even if I never get that, I really hope you believe me.

Congratulations on restarting the workshop, and on all the other amazing successes of the past several months. I think of you often; it would be impossible not to. You look so happy in your pictures. I really hope you are well.

All my love,

I hoped never to hear from her again. But she has recently gone on social media to write about how she “refused to kiss my ring,” as if I demanded some kind of obeisance from her. She also suggests that there is some dark, shadowy ‘more’ to tell that she won’t tell, with an undertone of “if only you knew the whole story.”

It is a manipulative way of lying. By suggesting there is ‘more’ when you know very well that there isn’t, you do sufficient reputational damage while also being able to plead deniability. Innuendo without fact is immoral.

No, there isn’t more to the story. It is a simple story – you got close to a famous person, you publicly insulted the famous person to aggrandize yourself, the famous person cut you off, you sent emails and texts that were ignored, and you then decided to go on social media to peddle falsehoods. It is obscene to tell the world that you refused to kiss a ring when in fact there isn’t any ring at all.

I cannot make much of the hostility of strangers who do not know me – fame taints our view of the humanity of famous people. But the truth is that the famous person remains irretrievably human. Fame does not inoculate the famous person from disappointment and depression, fame does not make you any less angered or hurt by the duplicitous nature of people. To be famous is to be assumed to have power, which is true, but in the analysis of fame, people often ignore the vulnerability that comes with fame, and they are unable to see how others who have nothing to lose can lie and connive in order to take advantage of that fame, while not giving a single thought to the feelings and humanity of the famous person.

And when you personally know a famous person, when you have experienced their humanity, when you have benefited from their kindness, and yet you are unable to extend to them the basic grace and respect that even a casual acquaintanceship deserves, then it says something fundamental about you.

And in a deluded way, you will convince yourself that your hypocritical, self-regarding, compassion-free behavior is in fact principled feminism. It isn’t. You will wrap your mediocre malice in the false gauziness of ideological purity. But it’s still malice. You will tell yourself that being able to parrot the latest American Feminist orthodoxy justifies your hacking at the spirit of a person who had shown you only kindness. You can call your opportunism by any name, but it doesn’t make it any less of the ugly opportunism that it is.

PART TWO

When I first read this person’s work, which was their application to my writing workshop, I thought the sentences were well-done. I accepted this person. At the workshop, I thought they could have been more respectful of the other participants, perhaps not kept typing dismissively as others’ stories were discussed, with an air of being among people below their level. After the workshop, I decided to select the best stories, edit them, pay the writers a fee, and publish them in an e-magazine. The first story I chose was this person’s. I wrote a glowing introduction, which the story truly deserved.

They sent this email.

Fri, Aug 7, 2015, 8:20 AM

Thank you so much for that introduction. It means so much to me and I’m going to keep reading it to get through the rest of my stay at Syracuse. I sent it to my mother and she got nervous about the piece because you said ‘it disturbs’, said she’s not sure how she’s going to feel when she reads it. But she’s also one of those ‘let’s leave the past in the past’ people. My sister approved, which meant a lot because our childhoods were each other’s.

All that to say, I’m so grateful you gave me the space to write the short version of this piece, the encouragement to write the longer piece, and now, a platform for it. I definitely have plans to write more about Aba.

Thank you, with all my heart.

PS- I wanted to sign off gratefully + gracefully in Igbo but I said let me not fall my own hand 🙂

About a year later, they sent another email to let me know that their novel would be published.

Wed, Jun 8, 2016, 8:20 AM

Greetings!

I hope all’s been well with you this past year. Belated congratulations on the baby’s arrival, I hope she’s being a delight (I’m sure she is), and on the Johns Hopkins honors.

I was thinking about how this time last year, I’d just received the email from you about Farafina and I wanted to reach out with a quick update. I’ve just accepted an offer for the novel I excerpted as my application and it feels like the workshop was a catalyst for the events that’ve led me here. So, thank you, for the workshop and your words and the Olisa TV series and listening to me babble on about my story at the hotel. I deeply appreciate all of it and you.

All my best,

Before the novel was published, I spoke of it to some people, to help it get attention. I had not been able to finish reading it. I found the writing beautiful, but the story false-hearted and burdened by bathos. When I spoke of the novel, however, it was the former sentiment that I expressed, never the latter.

After I gave the March 2017 interview in which I said that a trans woman is a trans woman, I was told that this person had insulted me on social media, calling me, among other things, a murderer. I was deeply upset, because while I did not really know them personally, I felt they knew what I stood for and that I fully supported the rights of trans people, and that I do not wish anybody dead.

Still, I took no action. I ignored the public insult.

When this person’s publishers sent me an early copy of their novel, I was surprised to see that my name was included in their cover biography. I had never seen that done in a book before. I didn’t like that I had not been asked for permission to use my name, but most of all I thought – why would a person who thinks I’m a murderer want my name so prominently displayed in their biography?

Then I learned that, because my name was in the cover biography, a journalist had called them my “protegee” and they then threw a Twitter tantrum about it, calling it clickbait, viciously disavowing having received any help from me.

I knew this person had called me a murderer, I knew they were actively campaigning to “cancel” me and tweeting about how I should no longer be invited to speak at events. But this I felt I could not ignore.

I sent an email to my representative:

From: Chimamanda Adichie

Date: Wed, Feb 14, 2018 at 2:06 PM

I’m writing about X

She attended my Lagos workshop two years ago and I selected hers as one of a few pieces I published after the workshop.

Apparently I was referred to as her ‘mentor’ and/or she was referred to as my ‘protege,’ in some articles, which led to her tweeting about it. Her tweets were forwarded to me by friends. In them, she reacted quite viscerally to my being called her ‘mentor’ and her being my ‘protege.’ To be fair, she is not technically my ‘protege,’ and it is perfectly fine that she feels this way, but her ungracious tone and the ugliness of the energy spent on her tweets surprised me.

I recently received her book and noticed that my name was included in her official book bio. I was stunned. Surely if she is so strongly averse to my being considered a person who has been significant in her career, (which is my understanding of the loose use of protege/mentor) then it is unseemly to make the choice to include my name in her bio. I found it unusual, as I don’t think I’ve seen it done before in a book bio, but I also now find it unacceptably cynical.

It is only reasonable for a person who sees my name as it is used in her bio — ‘her work has been selected and edited by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’ — to assume some sort of mentor/protege relationship.

To publicly disavow this with a tone bordering on hostility and at the same time so baldly use my name to sell her book is utterly unacceptable to me.

I’d like you to please reach out to her publishers and ask that my name be removed from her official book bio. I refuse to be used in this way.

After contacting her publishers, my representative wrote:

They have asked whether your preference would be to remove the Acknowledgment to you in the back of the book also, in future reprints.

I replied:

I don’t think that is my decision to take, and so will not answer either way, although it would be ideal if she herself made the decision to do so.

On the subject of how to go about it, I was absolutely determined not to be used by this person, but I was also sensitive to the costs the publisher might incur, as this was not in any way the publisher’s fault. Instead of pulping the already printed copies, I asked that the jackets be stripped and rebound. To my representative I wrote:

I’m completely determined that I not be used in this opportunistic and hypocritical way. But I want to make sure to proceed reasonably.

I was assured that my name would be removed and I moved on.

But from time to time, I would be informed of yet another social media post in which this person had attacked me.

This person has created a space in which social media followers have – and this I find unforgiveable – trivialized my parents’ death, claiming that the sudden and devastating loss of my parents within months of each other during this pandemic, was ‘punishment’ for my ‘transphobia.’

This person has asked followers to pick up machetes and attack me.

This person began a narrative that I had sabotaged their career, a narrative that has been picked up and repeated by others.

The normal response would be to ignore it all, because this person is seeking attention and publicity to benefit themselves. Claiming that I have sabotaged their career is a lie and this person knows that it is a lie. But if something is repeated often enough, in this age in which people do not need proof or verification to run with a story, especially a story that has outrage potential, then it can easily begin to seem true.

My addressing this lie will indeed get this person some attention – may they bask in it.

Here is the truth: I was very supportive of this writer. I didn’t have to be. I wasn’t asked to be. I supported this writer because I believe we need a diverse range of African stories.

Sabotaging a young writer’s career is just not my style; I would get no benefit or satisfaction from it. Asking that my name be removed from your biography is not sabotaging your career. It is about protecting my boundaries of what I consider acceptable in civil human behavior.

You publicly call me a murderer AND still feel entitled to benefit from my name?

You use my name (without my permission) to sell your book AND then throw an ugly tantrum when someone makes a reference to it?

What kind of monstrous entitlement, what kind of perverse self-absorption, what utter lack of self-awareness, what unheeding heartlessness, what frightening immaturity makes a person act this way?

Besides, a person who genuinely believes me to be a murderer cannot possibly want my name on their book cover, unless of course that person is a rank opportunist.

PART THREE

In certain young people today like these two from my writing workshop, I notice what I find increasingly troubling: a cold-blooded grasping, a hunger to take and take and take, but never give; a massive sense of entitlement; an inability to show gratitude; an ease with dishonesty and pretension and selfishness that is couched in the language of self-care; an expectation always to be helped and rewarded no matter whether deserving or not; language that is slick and sleek but with little emotional intelligence; an astonishing level of self-absorption; an unrealistic expectation of puritanism from others; an over-inflated sense of ability, or of talent where there is any at all; an inability to apologize, truly and fully, without justifications; a passionate performance of virtue that is well executed in the public space of Twitter but not in the intimate space of friendship.

I find it obscene.

There are many social-media-savvy people who are choking on sanctimony and lacking in compassion, who can fluidly pontificate on Twitter about kindness but are unable to actually show kindness. People whose social media lives are case studies in emotional aridity. People for whom friendship, and its expectations of loyalty and compassion and support, no longer matter. People who claim to love literature – the messy stories of our humanity – but are also monomaniacally obsessed with whatever is the prevailing ideological orthodoxy. People who demand that you denounce your friends for flimsy reasons in order to remain a member of the chosen puritan class.

People who ask you to ‘educate’ yourself while not having actually read any books themselves, while not being able to intelligently defend their own ideological positions, because by ‘educate,’ they actually mean ‘parrot what I say, flatten all nuance, wish away complexity.’

People who do not recognize that what they call a sophisticated take is really a simplistic mix of abstraction and orthodoxy – sophistication in this case being a showing-off of how au fait they are on the current version of ideological orthodoxy.

People who wield the words ‘violence’ and ‘weaponize’ like tarnished pitchforks. People who depend on obfuscation, who have no compassion for anybody genuinely curious or confused. Ask them a question and you are told that the answer is to repeat a mantra. Ask again for clarity and be accused of violence. (How ironic, speaking of violence, that it is one of these two who encouraged Twitter followers to pick up machetes and attack me.)

And so we have a generation of young people on social media so terrified of having the wrong opinions that they have robbed themselves of the opportunity to think and to learn and to grow.

I have spoken to young people who tell me they are terrified to tweet anything, that they read and re-read their tweets because they fear they will be attacked by their own. The assumption of good faith is dead. What matters is not goodness but the appearance of goodness. We are no longer human beings. We are now angels jostling to out-angel one another. God help us. It is obscene.

#chimamanda ngozi adichie #femimism #nigerian feminism #radfem safe #gender critical #radical feminism #cancel culture #forgot the link oops

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maskeddevera · 3 years

Text

I’m going to write a line by line analysis about the Fjord and Jester scene from last night. I had a bad day earlier this week, and the whole episode yesterday made me so happy, and this scene was beautiful, so I’m going to gush about it a bit. This whole episode really turned my week around (with the caveat that I went to bed so missed the final monster introduction.)

First of all, to set the scene, Jester has been struggling (but playing it off) ever since the spell stole a few years of her life earlier in the day. Fjord has been struggling because he realizes he didn’t even try to do anything to protect her, and the spell took a lot, and it could have been so much worse. He goes to her door, I think, mostly to confess that he feels badly that he wasn’t there for her and also vaguely aware that he might share his fear that they might not get that chance to deal with his baggage.

[Fjord knocks on her door.]

JESTER: Hello?

Jester is surprised. They often have heartfelt conversations, but Fjord doesn’t usually visit her room.

FJORD: Um, I was really worried about you...when you fell.

He just comes out with it...here’s the main thing, it was scary to see her fall.

JESTER: Yeah...

It was also scary for her, too.

[heavy eye contact]

FJORD: This suddenly feels far more serious than I thought it might be.

I’m not sure if here he is talking here about visiting the north or initiating this conversation -- but either way, he laughs. He’s nervous.

JESTER: I know. I can’t get the image out of my head...it’s scary.

Fjord gives Jester space to share. Like he said he would, he will listen to her. By initiating this conversation, she feels safe telling him that the image of the city that is haunting her.

FJORD: What do you think will happen?

An open-ended question for Jester. Again, letting her share her thoughts and fears...wanting to know what she thinks.

JESTER: I think if they bring it back, it will, um...it will absorb everything it can.

She sees the possibilities and how dangerous it could become.

JESTER [continued]: It felt like all of the people that lived there, like -- like they were part of the city now, like they could never escape. It felt like hell. It felt -- like torment.

She feels this so hard. It’s eating her up inside.

FJORD: And we have to stop it, right?

Fjord acknowledges that with that information they need to stop it--as a team, but you can see that he is still struggling with his concern for her.

JESTER: Yeah.

FJORD: I -- I may have an, uh, a problem. Uh...

The problem is he loves Jester and is worried that he would lose her. The problem is he feels like he wasn’t there for her. The problem is he is so scared.

JESTER [softly]: What is it?

Suddenly Jester is focusing on him, worried about what Fjord’s problem might be.

FJORD [continued]: I saw you standing on that pillar, and -- it was the first time where I kept myself from trying to stop something that was happening to you, and I didn’t do anything, and it’s--it’s bothered me.

Fjord feels like he screwed up and let her down. He feels like he could have lost her because he hesitated. Like he could still lose her if he hesitates.

JESTER: You couldn’t have done anything, Fjord. It was in my head, you know?

Jester isn’t sure why he’s beating himself up about this one - he didn’t even know what was happening.

FJORD: Uh. Yes.

I just like how he whispers the “yes,” like he knows it isn’t rational, but he still feels it.

FJORD: I don’t want you to gamble with yourself. I--I know we were playing, and it didn’t seem like much, and--it seems to have exacted a pretty serious toll. All I’m saying is, I just--I want you to be careful as we do this--I don’t think we’ll be the spectators that we thought we might be.

Here it is. Why he truly came time. He doesn’t want her to endanger herself. It’s a constant of not wanting her to be hurt or worse. He is starting to realize that they are involved deeper than they thought that they would be.

JESTER: Okay.

She listens.

FJORD: I want to come out of this and be able to go back to the sea, and go back to Nicodranus, and go back to where it’s warm and not f*ckin’ freezing, and...

Here the dream is stated. The happy ending. The sea, Nicodranus...her home, he’s imagining them returning together. A happy ending for both of them.

JESTER: Me too.

She is nodding. Same page. They have talked about this before, being together in a calmer time and place...some day. He is encouraged by her agreement.

FJORD: I just don’t know if that’s--I don’t feel as optimistic now.

More fears laid on the table. Maybe they won’t get there.

JESTER: Me neither. But...I’ll try to be safe. And you should, too.

She worries about losing the happy ending as well. She worries about his safety as well. He smiles when she shows concern for him.

JESTER [continued]: But if it comes down to it, if -- if it means stopping that Thing...I want to stop That Thing.

This decision is so important for Jester, and I love this for her ongoing arc. I also just really like that both clerics have this quest now. #TeamClerics

FJORD: I told your mother I would look after you.

So what I love about this sentence is Fjord absolutely takes his promise to Marion Lavorre very seriously, but that’s not why he says this to Jester. Yes, I do think he sees it as a vow (I love all the meta takes I have seen floating around about this being one of Fjord’s first steps into paladin territory), but what he is really doing here is the Fjord thing in which he uses others as a proxy for his feelings. So when Jester says she might endanger herself for the greater good, and he implies that her mother would be devastated if he had to tell her that something had happened to Jester, mostly he is thinking about how he would be devastated if anything happened to Jester.

JESTER: We’ll be fine, Fjord. We always are.

Jester attempts to reassure him and re-establish how they are a team. You can tell he isn’t fully reassured. And then he says what he really meant when he said “I told your mother I would look after you...”

FJORD: I care very much for you.

His voice in this moment...so real. Notice he still doesn’t use the word love, a token bit of holding back, but love is what is coming from him, and she hears it.

JESTER: Really?

Her trembling voice...all of the signs, and she thought maybe especially with recent events, but she wasn’t sure if she was reading into the gift and the eye contact and the pauses...she is so hopeful here. He nods, and takes a deep breath, and he just wants so badly to take the next step, but he is scared.

JESTER: Is it because I have chiseled cheekbones now?

She says this to break the moment because she feels his hesitation, and also because she’s self-conscious about what happened today. And it’s the best thing that can happen because when they are silly Fjord forgets to be all in his head and nervous.

FJORD: It’s the longer horns...

He’s joking, but also he always seems to find her strength to be the most attractive physical characteristic about her, so of course he picks the horns to compliment.

JESTER: Yeah, it really does it, doesn’t it?

FJORD: Yeah...gives you an intimidating look.

The truth is he was intimidated before the horns got longer. He wants to kiss her so much, so he pulls her in and asks...

FJORD [continued]: Can I kiss you?

Jester is delighted. She thought even if she wasn’t imagining things that this wouldn’t come any time soon. She shyly nods her agreement, and they kiss. I like how he nods and smiles, too, before kissing her -- he’s so relieved that she said yes!

FJORD: I don’t-- I don’t know how this will go. But I can’t promise that I’m going to let you just throw yourself at this thing. I don’t think I can do that.

This confession--he has made it to her before in a different way. Fjord will support her up to the point in which she could get hurt or die, and no more. And I also like how he always frames this confession as somewhat selfish, although it isn’t, because part of the reasoning is that he needs her. Also I think he is holding her this whole time because he never says that he lets her go.

JESTER: I don’t have an argument.

She is fine with him serving as her protector. She’s giddy. Maybe they kiss here quickly again? In any case...

JESTER: Kissing is a lot more fun when you’re not dying.

FJORD: Or, and, not when you’re underwater, drowning.

JESTER: Yeah, yeah...that’s what I mean.

FJORD: Umhmm.

After their first real kiss, they talk about their “other” first kiss - Fjord attempting to save her life. And we see here that while Jester previously wondered if it “counted” or not, it meant something to Fjord too and that he also saw it as a kiss, although it wasn’t the most ideal circumstance. And perhaps that is why they never spoke about it before, because it was easier to leave it in that nebulous area of maybe it meant something more.

JESTER: I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.

While this statement works for Jester, giddy and flustered, I think it also works for Laura who 100% was not expecting any of this to happen in this session.

FJORD: I’ve wanted to do it for a while...I’m kind of a big coward.

And now that it’s out there, now that she let him kiss him, he feels like he can tell her about how his fears held him back.

JESTER: No, Fjord, you’re very brave.

Jester will always support Fjord and hype him up.

FJORD: I am very brave, aren’t I?

Being brave is facing your fears.

JESTER: Umhm.

FJORD: I feel a bit...better.

This is what love is. Things can still be dark but your loved one lifts you up. He looks at her to gauge how she feels.

JESTER: Me too.

[FJORD & JESTER overlapping voices as they teasingly discuss whether they really have to fight this city.]

FJORD: We can get cats and just flee...

As mentioned in my other post, I think Fjord is discussing acquiring moorbounders, not attempting to abscond with Caleb’s fey cats. Again, this dream is the one about them leaving it all behind together.

JESTER: We have to fight it.

FJORD: All right. I’ll see you in the morning.

JESTER: Okay.

FJORD: Goodnight.

JESTER: Goodnight, Fjord.

[Jester goes to hold her little unicorn, falling asleep holding it. Fjord doesn’t sleep much.]

I just love this final image -- Jester now certain that the unicorn figurine means what she hoped it meant (and hopefully not breaking it in the night). Fjord keyed up and turned on and thinking about the conversation over and over, because he surprised himself with his choices but it went well, better than he ever expected.

#Critical Role #Fjorester #Fjorjester #Fjord #my musings #Jester Lavorre #Jester #Critical Role: Campaign 2 #forgive any typos this is so long I am sure that there are some

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rainbowsky · 4 years

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(the anon who asked about the analysis of ggdd denying the couple thing) Actually I wasn't referring to that interview, I was referring to one where they got asked directly about their relationship where they responded that they were just friends and then xz called yibo "little friend" which yb got offended by. I can't for the life of me find the interview, I remember watching it at the begining of my stanning journey two months ago, and all the comments were very.. "see you make them uncomfy!"+

+ so I felt bad. Now that I look back on it I find it really weird that, 1, nobody here seems to talk about it despite being a direct refutal (not that they could say yes either way but) and 2, the fact that i don't think chinese media would ask them that directly about them possibly being in a relationship? Thats really weird, so I wonder if the video I saw was purposfully mistranslated. I think it might be in this vid? (anti account fuckery removed)

This is in reference to a previous post.

OK Anon, here I am trying to figure out what it is you’re talking about when I have no frame of reference (which is why I hope people will always include a link to the footage they are asking about), but I think I know which interview you are talking about.

But first I want to say, that link you provided A] Didn’t lead directly to interview footage (and I’m not digging for it there for reasons that will become obvious in my next point) and B] Was a link to one of the most virulent hater accounts on all of Twitter. If you are getting your information from that utter and complete asshole, then I can see why you are confused. Nothing that person says should be taken seriously. Everything they say is lies and misinformation and hate. I personally believe that is a paid anti account.

So I’m going to give you the real interview, the real translation and my take on it. Of course, fake, fan fiction, CPN.

The interview in question comes from a backstage session during GG’s visit to DDU for their 11th anniversary special. That interview is blocked on YouTube and can be hard to find, but you can see the whole thing in this Twitter thread. Also, the entire episode (without the backstage bits) can be found with English subs here.

The question they are asked during the interview isn’t “What is your relationship?” or “Are you two a couple?” or anything even remotely along those lines. The question is essentially, “Tell us what you think of each other.” They both respond that they’re really good friends. Which of course they are.

GG throws in ‘little’ to his answer, which pisses DD off, because he seems to hate anything that would appear to ‘separate’ the two of them, and whenever GG refers to DD as his junior, DD gets annoyed. Here DD kind of belabors the point a bit, that he doesn’t feel there’s a gap between them. GG laughs at how much DD is digging into it, and then finally agrees that there’s no gap.

There is some nervous tension in this interview and in some parts of the episode overall. For excellent analysis on why, I recommend checking out XiaoMan M’s series on YouTube:

youtube

I would also add that this is the first time that GG has come to visit/meet DD’s DDU family since they’ve been dating, so of course he’s going to feel a bit nervous. It would be like meeting the parents while cameras are rolling, trying to interact with people who know about your relationship while hiding that relationship from the cameras. For someone as shy as GG, it must have been a bit nerve-wracking.

Here’s the bottom line, Anon: No one is ever going to ask GG and DD point blank in an interview, what their relationship is. For one thing, censorship in China bans any depiction or ‘promotion’ of homosexuality, so even if they got an answer it wouldn’t be airable. Second, and more importantly, it would be extremely rude and out of line for an interviewer to ask that knowing that it could endanger GG and DD’s careers. No one is going to do that.

They are especially not going to do it at DDU, where DD has been working for years and is practically family. In fact, DDU are always looking out for DD and protecting him, covering for him when he slips up and says things that could reveal their relationship. There’s no way his DDU family would put him in the position that hater claims with that fake translation.

I urge you to stay away from hater accounts on Twitter. It’s unhealthy to be exposed to such toxicity. If you want good, honest information Tumblr is a better place to find it.

It’s been a very long time since I had any doubts about GG and DD being in a romantic relationship together, so I sometimes forget what it feels like to see things that might tend to call it into question. Rest assured, Anon, once you’ve become more familiar with the available info your doubts will almost certainly melt away.

And I want to leave you with one final point, and that is that if something isn’t being talked about by BXG at all then you can be fairly certain that it’s either A] Fake B] Doesn’t have the significance you are assigning to it (for example, GG posing next to a Pride bear for an ad) or C] Something that would endanger GGDD if it were made too public.

#bjyx #bjyxszd #yizhan #bombology #ask #antis go home #solos belong to moling su sect

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elyvorg · 4 years

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Kaito Momota: How ADHD Can Be

It’s about time I properly shared a take of mine that I never really talk about in my usual analysis posts, which is my very firm headcanon that Kaito has ADHD. While this is partly thanks to me having ADHD myself, self-indulgence is far from the only thing making me think this. There are so many reasons why this makes every single bit of sense, and this post is going to talk about all of them.

And, see, I don’t want to alienate anyone by having them think I’m about to present an interpretation of Kaito that looks nothing like the Kaito we know, because that’s not it at all. I’m here to talk about how so many of the things that were already abundantly true about him also happen to fit perfectly with ADHD. Really, you could think of it more as me talking about how ADHD actually looks a lot more like Kaito than most people might have realised.

After all, ADHD is a frustratingly misrepresented disorder that’s way more complex and interesting than most people are aware. So not only does it make a huge amount of sense to see Kaito as ADHD, it’s also just genuinely fascinating to think that this could be influencing how his mind works and the way he reacts to things throughout the story. Imagining that Kaito has ADHD could never make him any less Kaito, but I do think it makes him yet another layer of interesting on top of everything else he already has going on.

So even if you don’t have any personal investment in ADHD yourself, I hope you can follow along with me for this. There’s a lot of fun stuff to talk about here.

(Since ADHD is so horribly misrepresented that I can’t expect the average person to know what it really involves, this post is also going to include something of a whirlwind explanation of ADHD itself, in order to help people better appreciate why all these things about Kaito are potentially ADHD things. With that said, obvious disclaimer: I am not remotely a mental health professional, just someone with self-diagnosed ADHD who’s read up a lot about it. Some of this will be from things I’ve read, and some of this will be from my own experiences that I’m now pretty sure are an ADHD thing. My descriptions of these symptoms are likely to be somewhat oversimplified because I’m focusing on explaining this headcanon rather than explaining ADHD itself, so please don’t take this as a definitely-100%-accurate ADHD resource. I’m happy if this can raise awareness of what ADHD is really like, but you should look elsewhere to learn more.)

Hyperfixations

One major thing that ought to be more commonly known about ADHD is that it’s really not a lack of attention; it’s an inability to properly control where our attention goes. It’s been described as an “interest-based nervous system” – we’ll involuntarily focus on whatever seems most interesting to us in any given moment, regardless of its objective importance.

This plus a reduced amount of dopamine receptors means that when we manage to find something that gives us a lot of dopamine, ie, is fun and engaging to think about, we cannot stop thinking about it even if we wanted to. Our entire lives will begin to revolve around this Thing that we enjoy, thinking about it, doing things related to it and consuming more information on it to get as much of that sweet dopamine as possible. This can often be to the detriment of everything else, including more objectively important matters, because who cares about that stuff when Thing is the best thing ever!?

As an example: as you might imagine, I have been hyperfixated on DRV3 and especially on Kaito for over two years now. I have not been able to stop thinking about Kaito even when I’m supposed to be doing other things, and there’s literally nothing that’s more fun for me right now than sharing all these thoughts of mine with other people. We also love to infodump about our hyperfixations to anyone who’ll listen, after all. That’s precisely why this post exists, along with many more like it on both my blogs.

SPACE

So, this is perhaps one of the most easy-to-spot signs that Kaito might be ADHD. Because, man, he really loves space. Sure, any astronaut would have at least some level of interest in it, but Kaito is so obsessed with space that he introduces himself with a grandiose space-themed title, wears a galaxy print on his slippers and the inside of his jacket, and simply couldn’t wait for a college degree and had to make sure he got up there as fast as possible.

Granted, it’s not like Kaito talks about space 100% of the time. He is stuck in a killing game, after all, which is also kind of important to pay attention to. But, still, no matter what more-objectively-important things they can push themselves to focus on when necessary, there’s always a part of an ADHDer’s brain that’s near-constantly thinking about their hyperfixation anyway and will take any opportunity to bring it up and make things about that if they possibly can. And, well, Kaito still talks about space quite a lot considering that he’s in a life-or-death situation that doesn’t have anything to do with space at all (at least, as far as he knows for most of the story).

There’s one delightful bit of white noise I absolutely love in a debate in trial 4 where Gonta is suggesting a vehicle could have crossed the river. Someone responds to this with “Like a rocket?”, despite the fact that, A, there were obviously none of those in the Virtual World, and B, you don’t use those to cross rivers. Kaito, you dork, now is not the time. But of course now’s the time, there is always time to be thinking about space-related things, no matter how impractical and irrelevant it might be. Someone has been murdered, everyone else’s lives are on the line – not to mention his illness and the huge pile of inferiority issues he’s struggling with at this point in the story – yet amongst all that, Kaito’s brain still found time to go, “hey, speaking of vehicles, aren’t rockets the coolest!?” And… yeah, that’s genuinely what hyperfixations are like.

Then there’s the time Kaito asked Maki what her favourite spaceship was, like this is just an obvious go-to conversation starter in his mind, because of course he has a favourite spaceship. He has thought a lot about his favourite spaceship (or spaceships; let’s be real, there’s probably several that he thinks are SO COOL and might call his favourite depending on the circumstances) and could fill ages talking about nothing but that. Even though he knows this conversation ought to be making its way towards helping Maki open up about her past – this is one of his training sessions, after all! – there is still a part of Kaito that really just wants to talk about space, because a part of him always wants to talk about space.

We can see this as well in multiple FTE invitation dialogues (those brief lines describing how they hung out before the actual event starts) in which Kaito apparently spends it talking to Kaede or Shuichi about space, just because he can. There’s also several of his hangouts in the Salmon Team bonus mode where Shuichi’s suggestion of what to do doesn’t really have anything to do with space, but Kaito finds a way to make it about space anyway. ADHD minds are hyper-associative and make connections between concepts very easily – and, naturally, they’re particularly liable to make connections to the thing that the mind is already spending the majority of its time thinking about. So it’s really not so surprising or remarkable at all that Kaito can find ways to make even seemingly-totally-unrelated topics about space somehow, not if he’s ADHD.

(…To be fair, a particular fixation on a certain topic to the point of repeatedly bringing it up when it’s not called for isn’t necessarily that uncommon among Danganronpa characters, what with their talents. But hey, that doesn’t have to make Kaito any less likely to be ADHD. Rather, it would actually make sense for Ultimate students to have a higher than average proportion of ADHDers among them, since an ADHD-fuelled level of intense interest in a thing is more likely to make someone become hugely talented at it out of accumulated knowledge and practice. I’ve been increasingly thinking that Kaede could perhaps be ADHD, too, for example. But that’s not for this post; we’re talking about Kaito here.)

The longevity of space

ADHDers will generally go through many different hyperfixations throughout their life, sometimes one at a time, sometimes somehow managing to juggle more than one. An individual hyperfixation tends to last anywhere between a few weeks to a few years depending on its intensity and the longevity of the topic, but it’s rare for it to be more than that. Usually, sooner or later, the overwhelming passion for the thing will wear itself out.

And admittedly, Kaito’s passion for space has been there since he was a kid and never faded – and never will, of course! – which is far more persistent than most hyperfixations tend to be. But then again, there’s so many different things related to space for him to get excited about! Hyperfixations fade either when something else comes along that’s more exciting because it’s new and fresh, or when you’ve squeezed every last possible drop of dopamine out of it such that it no longer holds quite the same thrill. But with a topic as vast as space, there’s always more to learn to keep the excitement fresh, especially now that Kaito’s an astronaut trainee and is really on the front line of new space knowledge and technologies and is actually going to get there himself one day!

Besides, it’s not like ADHDers’ hyperfixations are completely outside of their control. My own hyperfixation on V3 and Kaito would probably have faded ages ago if I hadn’t kept it going by constantly making more content about it such as this. And similarly, there’s no way Kaito would have wanted to let go of his passion for space, not if he had any say in it himself, so he’d have done whatever he could to keep it burning during the times when the spark maybe wasn’t quite there as much. I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable that Kaito could have remained hyperfixated on space for so unusually long and still be showing no signs of stopping. We all know how stubborn he is.

(House plants)

Kaito has probably had a few other, lesser hyperfixations alongside his lifelong passion for space. For example, I like to think that his fondness for house plants, according to his report card, is to such an extent that he was once hyperfixated on them. (This would have been for reasons that totally don’t bear a suspicious resemblance to other things he cares about.) I doubt he’s currently hyperfixating on them at the moment – at no point does he ever try to shift the conversation to being about house plants unprompted – but that wouldn’t stop him from still being generally fond of them and retaining all of the “useless” information he learned about them back when he was obsessed. One very rarely ever stops caring about a hyperfixation topic entirely; rather, the fixation just fades and the topic becomes no longer constantly on someone’s mind. I’m sure Kaito still could and would talk your ear off about house plants just as much as he would about space if you happened to get him started.

People

More importantly, though, I think that another of Kaito’s less obvious and intense hyperfixations – but still a very long-lasting one that’s active right now – could be, simply, people. Just, people in general: their flaws and complexities and differences, all the many ways in which they can communicate and work together, and the amazing potential they have to achieve great things if they do so. Kaito is so passionate about this stuff and has so many fully-formed opinions on things of this nature that make it seem like he’s spent a lot of his free time thinking about this, just because he can. Maybe he began to get interested in it after realising that communication and teamwork is important for an astronaut – but it also reads to me like Kaito is into this kind of stuff not because he needs to be for the sake of getting into space, but simply because he finds it genuinely fascinating and couldn’t stop thinking about it even if he had to. (Which would also help keep him interested in space, because it’s intrinsically linked to this other topic that Kaito finds fascinating!)

And within this, Kaito definitely hyperfixates in particular on his sidekicks. Once he’s made someone into his sidekick, which functionally means that he’s going to devote himself to supporting them through their issues and helping them reach their potential, he really devotes himself. It’s his hyperfixation on people in general, but concentrated on a specific person(s) that he can have a direct and tangible impact on, which means even more to him than just his feelings about how awesome and fascinating humanity is as a whole.

Kaito is really, really good at supporting his sidekicks, after all. He spends so much time, even when he’s not around them, thinking about what their problems are and the best ways he can help them. He was clearly eyeing up both Shuichi and Maki as potential sidekicks at least a day or two before actually acting on it and inviting them to training, as if he was trying to gauge exactly what their struggles were and how best to help before jumping right in. He approaches helping each of them in very different ways, making it clear that he’s specifically thought about who they are and the best tactics to help them individually instead of just carelessly using the same old script each time. On more than one occasion, he drops something on them one morning – the nickname “Maki Roll”, and the “bonus” training that becomes the katana scene – that he hadn’t mentioned at all the previous night, meaning that he’d been thinking further about how to keep helping them while on his own overnight.

So it seems to me like maybe it’s not just his selflessness, or his somewhat unhealthy co-dependency (more on that later, actually) that makes Kaito so good at this. I don’t think he could even stop thinking about helping his sidekicks if he tried. Figuring out how to help another human being grow and change and reach their full potential is so fascinating and engaging and rewarding to him that how could he ever not be compelled to do that as much as he possibly can?

The price of caring

This does, however, come with a downside. Because Kaito is fixating so strongly and uncontrollably on supporting his sidekicks, because doing that matters so much to him, it’s only going to hurt him more when he begins to feel like he’s failing at it. He can’t just brush something like that off as not really a big deal, because of course it’s a big deal. It’s everything to him, and it’s literally not possible for him to make himself feel like it isn’t.

It’s just as bad as if space suddenly twisted and became painful to think about somehow. Which… I guess that actually kind of happens too, when Kaito starts to realise that he’s never going to make it up there. And he can’t deal with that by trying to tell himself it was never that important, either, because space is always important to him. Even if he wanted to switch that part of his brain off or ignore it to help himself cope, he just couldn’t.

Caring so intensely about things feels amazing and makes a person wonderfully passionate, but it can also be a double-edged sword.

(Executive dysfunction?)

One big negative side to ADHD is that it tends to cause executive dysfunction, which, to massively oversimplify it, more or less means the profound inability to get yourself to do things that you know you’re supposed to be perfectly able to do. That interest-based nervous system does not do well with motivating us to do tasks that are objectively important but aren’t interesting or fun to actually carry out, resulting in a mental block that can appear to the outside observer like wilful laziness, even though it really, really isn’t.

This appears to be one part of ADHD that Kaito manages to avoid having to deal with. (He may superficially seem “lazy” during training, but that has nothing to do with his brain and everything to do with his body and the fact that he’s sick and doesn’t want anyone to know.) But I think that’s mostly because none of the reasons that ADHD causes executive dysfunction actually apply in the killing game.

One of the few things other than interest that motivates an ADHD brain is urgency – suddenly they can do that boring essay they’ve been putting off when the deadline is tonight, showing remarkable speed and focus in a fit of nervous anxiety over the potential consequences of turning it in late. And there’s plenty of literal do-or-die urgency to motivate Kaito during the killing game, so there’s no way he’d ever not be motivated to do what he feels he needs to do to help everyone there. Plus, the things he’s trying to do involve helping people, something he inherently finds interesting, so he’d be motivated for those reasons anyway even if it wasn’t quite so life-threateningly vital that he does so.

(Kaito is a bit flakier and liable to miss important details during the investigations and trials, mind you. This might be because, while the urgency of “if we don’t solve the case we die” is looming over him, the actual details of the case aren’t something that instinctively feels urgent or that he inherently finds interesting, so it’s harder for him to pay proper attention and take it all in even when he’s trying to. Kaito has plenty of intelligence in a lot of ways, but his brain is evidently not wired for investigations and deductions like Shuichi’s is – he’s perfectly capable of following Shuichi’s logic and understanding it, but not of figuring any of that stuff out himself in the first place. This could partly be down to Kaito having ADHD and just not being interested enough in these particular kinds of mental exercises to be able to get his brain to focus on them as much as he’d need to in order to solve them.)

I also don’t think executive dysfunction would have got in Kaito’s way much during his regular life before the killing game. (You know, if he’d actually had one, but let’s pretend for now that he did.) Motivation issues can be helped a lot by an externally-imposed structure telling you what you need to do and when, which is why a lot of ADHD people don’t even notice any problems while they’re in a school system and only fall apart once they’re adults and are suddenly expected to structure their own life. Kaito’s astronaut training would definitely give him plenty of structure to work from so that he always knew what he needed to do and never had this issue. It’s also really challenging, which is another thing that helps keep ADHD people interested and motivated. And while the actual end goal of getting to space is far-off enough that it wouldn’t be able to work as a direct motivator to an ADHD brain (we are bad at things with delayed gratification), everything Kaito’s learning would still be related to space and communication and teamwork, so he’d be interested in learning all of it simply for its own sake.

Emotional hyperarousal

Another big defining feature of ADHD that isn’t nearly as well-known as it ought to be is that it amplifies emotions to a far greater intensity than those of neurotypical people. ADHDers’ feelings and reactions are naturally bigger and louder and just more than most people’s – which sounds a lot like Kaito, doesn’t it? He’s always larger than life, energetic and passionate about everything, not just his specific hyperfixations. Look at how excited he gets about just seeing snow! And he has so much enthusiasm for so much else, too – as he puts it: “there’s nothing unnecessary in this world!” When Kaito feels things, he feels them full-throttle, with no half-measures, which is just how Kaito would always want things to be!

…But, whether he likes it or not, that also applies to the painful feelings just as much as the good ones.

Emotional dysregulation

Kaito can often be very reactionary and get unnecessarily riled up over minor things that don’t really warrant such a dramatic response. If you think about it, this isn’t really something he’d want to do, because he’s always trying to stay positive and keep people on his side. So apparently it’s something he simply can’t help, as if his brain is just wired to make him more liable to do that.

If even minor slights can cause an overreaction like that from an ADHD brain, then imagine how much worse it is when the stimulus is something genuinely worth being upset over. That already-painful emotion gets amplified to even greater levels, to the point that it can be almost unbearable. People with ADHD can often have a more difficult time dealing with things, not necessarily because they’re emotionally weaker, but because they simply feel things harder than most other people do.

Kaito goes through a lot of emotional pain throughout the story – and he’s really pretty bad at dealing with it all. He basically has only two not-very-healthy methods for doing so. One is to try to ignore it entirely by focusing on something more positive, which on its own could be put down to his desire to come across as an invincible hero who can inspire people. So this particular unhealthy tactic doesn’t necessarily mean that he wouldn’t be able to properly deal with these emotions if he actually stopped being an idiot and tried to.

However, Kaito’s second unhealthy coping mechanism is to turn the pain into anger – sometimes to the point of lashing out in ways he doesn’t mean to. Punching Shuichi at the end of the first trial is very much caused by Kaito being unable to contain his pain over Kaede’s death rather than any controlled attempt to push Shuichi forward, since he regrets it and apologises for it the next morning. And then the agonising truth that Gonta killed someone is even harder for Kaito to bear, leading to him lashing out at Shuichi again in what was very much desperate pain-fuelled anger with no rational basis for it. Unlike with simply hiding his pain, lashing out like this is not something Kaito would ever want to do; it’s not exactly very heroic of him, after all. So this suggests that there’s more to Kaito’s bad coping mechanisms than just him trying to appear strong and not worry people – that sometimes the pain gets so unbearably intense that ignoring it isn’t possible and he just can’t deal with it and loses control of himself.

Uncontrollable bouts of rage can be a common problem that comes with ADHD because of the amplified emotions and difficulty properly regulating them – and it’s definitely a problem Kaito suffers from, too. That part of Kaito that lets him get so wonderfully passionate in helping everyone around him might well be exactly the same part of him that simply cannot handle it when he realises Gonta murdered someone and leads to him lashing out at his best friend.

Moping (…not a technical term)

…Okay, I just said Kaito has only two unhealthy coping mechanisms for painful emotions, but maybe there’s also kind of a third: unconstructively moping about it. This doesn’t sound like Kaito at all – he frequently gives others advice about not doing exactly that – but he can actually be seen falling into doing so a couple of times if you look closely.

In chapter 2, when Ryoma’s behaviour bothers him for all the wrong reasons and he has no intent of actually doing something about it, Kaito really should be just trying not to think about it at all and focusing on something more constructive like helping Shuichi. However, the places he hangs out in for his chapter 2 FTEs and his invitation dialogues indicate that he spends a whole three FTE slots just brooding unhelpfully about the state Ryoma’s in. This is definitely not something he wants to be doing, since he hastily changes the subject if Shuichi hangs out with him.

And in case 4’s investigation, after Shuichi’s cell phone experiment makes Kaito feel useless and unneeded (he thought Shuichi needed his help! – but, no, turns out he actually really didn’t), the pain of that feeling noticeably lingers with him for most of the rest of the investigation. He’s in enough of a bad mood about it afterwards that Maki notices it through his less-expressive virtual avatar, and he doesn’t even come with her to call Shuichi back from the rooftop and just logs out on his own in a sulk. Then he also ends up explicitly unaware in the trial of some of the information Monotaro shared with the whole group once they’d logged out, meaning he was apparently still too wrapped up in feeling useless to be paying proper attention.

(And these are the two examples of Kaito doing this that are noticeable thanks to subtle clues in his behaviour – but since Kaito would obviously never draw attention to it, maybe he actually does this a lot more than those two times and we just can’t normally see it.)

See, another thing about emotional dysregulation – plus the difficulty in controlling the focus of your attention that comes with ADHD – is that it can be hard to stop yourself from thinking endlessly about painful things, even when you very much don’t want to be thinking about them. I once saw a tumblr post describing ADHD as Chronic Cannot Leave It Alone Disorder, and I can confirm that, yes, this is very frustratingly accurate, for the bad things as well as the good. It’s possible that Kaito’s advice about not moping when you could be doing something to make a difference might have originated for himself, to try and mitigate his brain’s tendency to do this. But while I imagine this helped quite a bit in letting him control his thoughts and stay focused on the positives, it appears that, despite his best efforts, it still doesn’t always work.

Impulsiveness

The Primarily-Hyperactive subtype of ADHD (aka the one that’s definitely the subtype Kaito has, for obvious reasons) is sometimes called Hyperactive-Impulsive type, because impulsiveness tends to be a big part of it, too. I think this is kind of a combination of emotional hyperarousal and inability to control attention – the impulse to Do A Thing gets amplified to the point that it floods the entire brain, and it becomes nigh-impossible to ignore it and consider the potential negative consequences before acting on it. It’s like that Chronic Cannot Leave It Alone Disorder gets concentrated into a single instant of frequently-terrible decision-making.

It’s no secret that Kaito is impulsively reckless – and if you think about it, it’s to an extent that’s honestly kind of pathological. Cheating his way into the astronaut exam early, for example, could very well have permanently ruined his chances of ever being allowed in and making it to space. He should never have considered that a risk worth taking. So apparently he just wasn’t properly considering the risk at all – not even for the most important decision of his life.

A lot of the time, these kinds of bad decisions can be fuelled by those amplified painful emotions that get turned into anger like I talked about before. The stress of the killing game causes Kaito to very nearly get himself killed on two occasions early in chapter 1, almost lashing out in a way that would have broken school regulations. Kaito is perfectly aware of the consequences for doing that – but in the heat of the moment, it just doesn’t matter to him. His overwhelming desire to express his pain-fuelled rage simply blocks out everything else from his mind. A similar thing happens in chapter 5 when Kaito’s attempt to punch Kokichi after the supposed mastermind reveal only results in him getting knocked out and captured by the Exisals that were very obviously there and under Kokichi’s control. It’s summed up pretty well by the fact that Kokichi outright tells Kaito that punching him won’t fix any of the things he’s angry about, and Kaito’s response is, “Even if that is the case… I can’t get over it if I don’t punch you!” To Kaito, in these moments, it’s never about the consequences; it’s about needing to let out his too-strong emotions right now and to hell with everything else, even if that “everything else” literally might include his life.

Then there’s everything that happens with Kaito at the casino. The consequences for him here aren’t exactly dire, since all he loses out on is the chance to buy a prize, but still – that uncontrollable fixation on the anticipated thrill of winning and the inability to consider the really-very-high possibility that he’ll lose is exactly the type of reckless thrill-seeking that people with this type of ADHD often have.

In fact, the bonus scene at the casino is literally titled “Kaito’s Gambling Problem” – and as you might imagine, impulsive-type ADHDers are at a higher risk of developing harmful addictions to things such as gambling. While this isn’t an actual gambling problem here because no real money is involved and it does seem that he never gets tempted by the casino again after the second time, the scene’s title apparently wants us to consider that Kaito has the potential to develop a legitimate gambling problem should he ever get old enough to legally gamble in the real world. Which is a weirdly specific thing for the writers to make a point of when it has no bearing on the plot… so it makes me wonder if they could have actually been trying to tell us something here.

This kind of impulsiveness can also cause people to blurt out their thoughts without thinking about the consequences, potentially resulting in upsetting someone or embarrassing themselves. At first glance, considering that he has a lot of thoughts he’s determined to hide from the surface, Kaito doesn’t seem to have too much of a problem with this kind of impulsiveness. If he did, you’d think he’d find himself muttering stuff like “I feel like crap”, or “I hate this place” all the time and then having to hastily paper over it and insist that no that’s definitely not how he’s really feeling at all. So apparently, he’s fairly good at thinking before he speaks when it matters to him?

Except, when he’s in the Virtual World, Kaito makes multiple unthinking comments to the effect of “I like this avatar body”, which he has to awkwardly brush off when Shuichi questions him, since it rather hints that something’s up with his real body. He’s suddenly really bad at this, even though he was pretty good at it the rest of the time.

So maybe what’s going on is this: in an effort to stay positive at all times because he’s Kaito, Kaito trained himself to have a constant, unshakeable mental filter that prevents himself from impulsively blurting out how he’s feeling if it’s something negative. However, he can’t stop himself from still randomly blurting out whatever positive things are on his mind. This usually isn’t a problem, but it can sometimes include things – it feels so great to not be dying for once! – that he really doesn’t want to be voicing either, if he only gave it a moment more thought.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria

Often shortened to RSD, rejection sensitive dysphoria is a specific and especially nasty kind of emotional hyperarousal / dysregulation that almost all ADHDers suffer from. (At least, I feel like it should probably be classified as a subtype of that, though I’m not sure if that’s the official take, so don’t quote me on this.) The ADHD researcher who coined the term defines it as: “extreme emotional pain triggered by the perception – not necessarily the reality – that a person has been rejected or criticised by important people in their life. It may also be triggered by a sense of falling short and failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations.” That second sentence is important and frequently overlooked, because it indicates that, despite the name, this isn’t only about perceived rejection by others; it can also be about an entirely personal sense of failure.

I first read about this concept while I happened to be hyperfixating on Kaito’s mindset specifically in early chapter 5, aka that time he avoids Shuichi out of shame over feeling like he failed him in the previous trial, due to his own unreasonably high standards for being a “hero”. (If you didn’t realise that this is what’s going on with Kaito in early chapter 5, go read this other post of mine and get caught up, because you’re going to need to be for the rest of this section.) And, naturally, though I was supposed to be reading that article about RSD to help me figure out if I had ADHD, my brain made some connections. That was the moment I began to have this headcanon; everything else in this post blossomed from that as I thought about it more and realised a lot of other things about Kaito also fit this incredibly well.

The null hypothesis

So, let’s consider early chapter 5. In fact, let’s assume for a moment that Kaito doesn’t have ADHD and his emotions function like a regular person’s. He would still, of course, feel like he’s utterly failed Shuichi by showing himself to be weaker than him and doing the opposite of supporting him during trial 4. That part’s not specifically based in anything ADHD and is just a product of Kaito’s psychological issues about heroes, which I’ve already talked about plenty in that post I just linked. (I don’t want anyone to think that my ADHD headcanon is getting in the way of or diminishing any of that; this is just another layer on top of it.)

Kaito really wants to make things right and apologise for his mistakes in the trial (and for his really-not-actually-mistakes too, for that matter). He really wants to fix the rift between him and Shuichi and not leave the two of them painfully torn apart like this. He knows the responsibility to do so is on him and not Shuichi. But… he doesn’t do it. Why not?

The only possible reason would be that he’s just being a coward and running away from the guilt and shame he’s feeling rather than facing up to it. Except… Kaito’s not a coward. He may arguably seem like one in some ways given how he refuses to acknowledge his weaknesses to his sidekicks – but that’s not to protect himself and his own emotions; it’s because he’s idiotically convinced that it’s better for them that way. Here, now that he believes he’s already failed Shuichi as badly as he ever could, he should feel like he has nothing more to lose on that front (and Shuichi never even needed him anyway, right?), so there should be no harm in owning up to it and at least apologising for what he’s done wrong.

Granted, Kaito is busy trying to make up for his failure through his totally-great escape plan – but that’s still no reason why he can’t also apologise first and then keep trying to make up for things with the plan anyway. And it’s not at all like it was in the trial itself, when he was too wound-up in the heat of the moment to be thinking clearly. He’s had plenty of time to process what happened and regain control of himself and become consciously aware of what he knows is the right thing to do here.

The guilt and shame Kaito would be feeling from his belief that he’s failed Shuichi would still hurt pretty bad, sure – but I don’t think, if it really is a proportionate emotional response to what he feels like he’s done, that it’d be something he couldn’t face up to. He’s incredibly resilient and knows that sometimes you’ve just gotta face painful things head-on, and he should be more than willing to do so for the sake of making things at least slightly better between him and Shuichi.

So, I argue this: Kaito avoiding Shuichi the way he does in early chapter 5 doesn’t quite make sense unless he has ADHD. (Or perhaps some other neurological disorder that would have a similar effect on his emotions, but I’m not knowledgeable enough to be sure what other possibilities could fit.)

Too much pain

I can confirm from experience: RSD freaking sucks. Any feeling of “I should be able to do this, but I messed it up”, or any seemingly innocuous comment from someone you care about where they either point out a mistake you made or that could possibly be interpreted to mean they don’t really care about you that much – these things can hurt like hell, so much more than they have any right to. It’s as if that insignificant twinge of disappointment that most people would feel just gets multiplied by like a thousand until it practically feels like you’ve been stabbed in the chest. And I should note: the rejection version tends to be triggered by people important to you, but I find it’s especially bad if it’s someone I not only care about but also look up to. You know, like Kaito very definitely does to Shuichi.

Case 4 has plenty of things that would trigger RSD for Kaito before even getting into the worst parts of the trial. That cell phone incident in the investigation I mentioned earlier, where Kaito thought Shuichi needed his help for a second and then ended up feeling like he really never did at all? And all the times Shuichi shoots down one of Kaito’s arguments in the trial and tells him he’s wrong (which happens seven times, by the way)? Every single one of those seemingly-minor moments would have hurt Kaito not just a little, but one hell of a lot. It’s honestly really impressive and a testament to Kaito’s resilience that he managed to keep himself together and show barely any signs of how he was feeling for as long as he did.

It’s also very relevant that RSD is known to potentially trigger an externalised response of instantaneous rage, exactly like the outbursts of anger I mentioned in the previous section. I’ve already talked plenty elsewhere about how a lot of the pain that’s causing Kaito to lash out in trial 4 isn’t just over Gonta’s guilt but is also over how he’s being made to feel like a horribly inferior failure compared to Shuichi – and, yep, that’s still a perfect match to Kaito having ADHD.

By the end of the trial, Kaito’s issues and irrationalities have rendered him convinced that he’s utterly failed to be the hero he’s supposed to be, and that Shuichi obviously doesn’t need him or care about him any more (if he ever even did in the first place). That’s giving Kaito plenty of genuine conscious reason to be hurting pretty damn hard to begin with, before his ADHD brain-wiring even sinks its claws into it. Now try to imagine that pain getting disproportionately multiplied by like a thousand – fucking ouch, and then some. Nobody, not even someone as brave and resilient as Kaito, should ever be expected to be able to face up to that, to actively make it even worse by talking about it and bringing those feelings to the forefront, especially not when doing so would just be showing even more weakness to the person it hurts so much to show weakness to. I don’t believe it’d be fair to call anyone a coward for that.

Kaito’s not a coward; he avoids Shuichi in early chapter 5 because he is genuinely in too much pain to bear. The only way he can deal with it at all (now that he’s not in the heat of trial 4 and is very determined to at least not make things even worse by lashing out in anger again) is by simply trying to pretend the problem doesn’t exist. If he manages to prove himself as a hero, maybe it’ll stop hurting quite as much and he’ll be able to face up to it, but until then, avoiding the pain is all he can do.

(Obligatory Harmonious Heart mention)

Since I relish the opportunity to bring this scene up whenever I can, I might as well add that Kaito’s Harmonious Heart event is another instance in which he’d be feeling some pretty rough RSD – at least, in every outcome except the best one in which Shuichi reassures him that they’re friends and it’s okay to open up to your friend. It’d be especially bad in the worst outcome where Kaito realises Shuichi has seen his “weakness” and feels like he’s failed him. Probably not quite as bad as in canon, but still, ouch.

In fact, an interesting thing about that worst outcome is that Kaito specifically says he feels “so embarrassed”, which, when you think about it, doesn’t really sound like the kind of thing anyone would expect Kaito to ever describe himself as feeling, even at a time like this. However, I know from my own experience that “embarrassment” is in fact something that it’s easy to mistake RSD for when you don’t know what it is – just an embarrassment that’s somehow agonisingly painful, because that’s totally how embarrassment usually works for most people, right. So, A, this fits perfectly yet again, and B, since you’d usually not think to have Kaito ever use that word… it makes me wonder if the writer for this scene knew.

Coping methods (and why Kaito doesn’t have them)

Of course, it’s not like there aren’t methods to try to combat and mitigate the incredible pain that RSD can bring. One that I’ve found works really well (thanks to Kaito himself!) is exercising. It really helps to burn off that excessive emotional energy – and not necessarily just RSD, but any of the disproportionately painful emotions ADHD brings – by translating it into physical energy. “Let your sweat wash away all your sadness, fear, worry and hardships; just start moving your body and your pain will become memories before you know it,” actually sums up how this feels pretty well! It’s quite possible that this advice – heck, maybe his entire exercise-to-help-the-mind thing in general – is something else that Kaito first came up with for himself, after he found that it helped him calm down and feel better whenever he’d get too upset about something.

…So it’s really rather cruel that Kaito’s worsening illness also happens to lock him out of one of his only genuinely-healthy coping mechanisms for what he’s going through emotionally in chapters 4 and 5, isn’t it.

Another thing that’s really helped me in dealing with my own RSD is simply understanding it. When you know that it’s a disproportionate emotional response, you can remind yourself that things aren’t truly as bad as the pain is making them feel like they are, which makes it easier to take steps to stop it hurting, such as talking to the friend who unintentionally triggered it and having them reassure you that of course they care about you. Without that understanding of it, it’s all too easy to think, “if it hurts this much, I must deserve to be hurting this much,” which, yeah, that’s a bad path to go down.

One pretty important part of my headcanon that Kaito has ADHD, then, is that he definitely has no idea he has it. If he’d been diagnosed with it at some point in his life, he’d understand these problems of his better. Even if the doctors never told him all these things I’ve been mentioning here about how ADHD actually works (which is way too disappointingly common, so I gather), Kaito would have researched this stuff himself at some point, in order to better understand himself and know his limits so that he can work around them to be the best person he can be. He wouldn’t want to let anything get in the way of him helping others as much as he can and achieving his dream of going to space, not even the idiosyncrasies of his own brain. And, heck, he’d probably find it interesting if only he had a reason to look into it in the first place! Many ADHDers hyperfixate on ADHD, and Kaito definitely seems like someone who would have if he’d known.

So, if Kaito was aware of his ADHD, he’d be able to recognise what he’s going through in early chapter 5 as RSD and handle it better. He’d know that, no matter how much it hurts, things aren’t actually quite as bad as it feels like, and that apologising to Shuichi sooner rather than later is almost certainly the best way forward even if the prospect of doing so seems terrifying as all hell. For that matter, if Kaito knew about his ADHD and what it really involved, he’d almost certainly have trained himself to be able to deal with a lot of his more troublesome symptoms better than he ever does in canon.

Friendship difficulties

Because of their differently-wired brains, ADHDers can often struggle to connect with the rest of the world that doesn’t think the same way as them. And here’s a fun subtle thing about Kaito that ought to get talked about more: he’s not actually very skilled or experienced at making friends. Having sidekicks that he can inspire and support, and being a general encouraging influence on a wider group of people to keep them working together – sure, that stuff comes naturally to him. But regular, everyday friendship? Not so much.

This isn’t that easy to spot, because most of the time we see Kaito, he’s deliberately focusing on motivating people, which he’s great at. But there are a few instances here and there where Kaito interacts with people in a not-specifically-motivational way: his attempts to befriend Kaede (who doesn’t need his support), his earlier FTEs with Shuichi (which should be happening before training starts), and the conversation with Shuichi and Maki in chapter 4’s second training scene (before Maki begins talking about her past).

In all of these, Kaito turns out to actually be a huge awkward goof who doesn’t seem to have the first clue how to do regular interpersonal interactions. And basically everything about him being this way can potentially be explained by ADHD.

Too many thoughts

It’s never quiet and organised in an ADHD brain; whenever we’re not hyperfocusing on one specific thing, our minds always have like five different thoughts rattling around in them at once. So, consider the conversation with Shuichi and Maki, which Kaito was attempting to treat like a Regular Conversation (rather than the chance to help Maki open up that it definitely actually was in his head). Perhaps, in his efforts to do small talk, not one but several different possible small talk questions popped into his head at once and clamoured for his attention, such that a couple of them – “what blood type are you?” and “what [something] do you like?” – got accidentally merged together when he opened his mouth to speak. That plus his impulsive lack-of-filter meant that out came “What blood type do you like?” and Kaito sounding like a doofus.

(When Maki points out that this is a strange question, Kaito awkwardly laughs it off. It almost seems like he’s used to accidentally saying things people consider weird during his attempts at normal conversation and has learned to try and act like it’s nothing so he doesn’t push anyone away.)

This disorganisation in ADHD minds also tends to make them get too caught up on unnecessary details they find interesting and wander off down random mental tangents rather than whatever they’re supposed to be talking or thinking about. I once saw a tumblr post that said ADHDers are likely to tell “stories that start sooner than they need to and end somewhere other than the point” – and this happens to be a literally perfect description of the story Kaito tells Shuichi in his second and third FTEs. He was supposed to be telling Shuichi how he became interested in space. He began by talking about finding a treasure map and conquering the seas, and he finished with how he was busy conquering the land when his summer vacation ended. At no point did he mention space; he’d got so wrapped up in the story itself that he’d completely forgotten that was meant to be the point.

Kaito also has a bit of a tendency to make strange statements that appear to make perfect sense to him even though they kind of don’t to anybody else. He wants to learn to play the piano for when he goes to space? Well, of course; he might meet an alien! You can’t ever know how malicious other people’s secrets are? Sure, but that’s why you just gotta believe in… yourself! These really do make perfect sense in Kaito’s head (the first is about communication; the second is about people-reading skills). But it seems, perhaps, that his overly-active mind made connections too fast and jumped several tracks at once, to the point that he didn’t realise he was skipping a few steps of his explanation and that it wouldn’t make so much sense to the people listening. Which is also a thing that ADHD people are liable to do.

Too loud and excitable

A less immediately obvious thing that’s strange about Kaito’s behaviour in the chapter 4 training chat is that, when Shuichi essentially just straight-up asks Maki to start talking about her issues, Kaito admonishes him for being too direct and claims he can’t just do that. This seems odd coming from Kaito, who’s usually nothing but direct in his approaches to encouraging people, and who definitely also intended to prompt Maki into talking about her issues here.

But, apparently because he’s trying to present this as a Regular Normal Friend Conversation, Kaito didn’t think he was meant to be so direct in this context. Which suggests he’s learned through experience that his usual kind of directness that works great for encouragement apparently just kind of puts people off when it’s used in a regular conversation. So instead, he was trying to work his way towards hopefully maybe getting Maki to open up through awkward small talk that he must know he’s terrible at – no wonder he was miffed when Shuichi casually went and committed the exact social “faux-pas” he’d been trying to avoid, with complete confidence that it’d actually be fine, and it turned out it was. (Whoops, there goes Shuichi effortlessly being better than him at everything Kaito finds difficult, like always.)

Nonetheless, Kaito probably has good reason to be worried about coming across as too direct (outside of sidekick contexts, where that’s just the best way to get through to someone and help). Because, when he’s not actively trying to avoid it, he does have a tendency to get a bit carried away with things and put people off as a result. Remember the time he asked Kaede for a hug? There’s absolutely no reason to assume this was romantic or sexual in nature, because it already makes more than enough sense to think that Kaito was just so excited at meeting someone so similar to him and thought she was Super Cool and just really wanted to be her friend!!! So he impulsively expressed that sentiment in a rather-too-forward way that he was too caught up in his excitement to realise was going to come across as rather inappropriate.

Not that being too overly excitable and direct about things necessarily has to lead to behaviour that’s outright inappropriate in order to cause problems. (Though please never forget that Kaito asked for the hug and respected Kaede’s boundaries when she said no.) Even if he’s not doing anything wrong, Kaito being his usual larger-than-life self all the time might just come across as a bit Much and be kind of weird and off-putting for a lot of people. It’s that emotional hyperarousal again, which I mostly talked about the negative side of in the earlier section – but the positive side of it, amplifying the good emotions to make someone more enthusiastic and passionate, can still (completely undeservedly) be a negative thing in a social context with others who just aren’t wired the same way.

In Kaito’s second FTE, wrapped up among his ridiculous overblown childish fiction, he appears to potentially be talking about an actual playmate he had at the time who joined in his game of pretending to be a sea captain. Then they had a fight and Kaito never saw him again – and he presents that like it was just part of his game, too, but this can likely be taken to mean that they had a falling out that never got resolved and stopped being friends. If so, I can’t help but assume that this was probably because tiny Kaito was a little bit too boisterous and excessive in his playing – while still not necessarily doing anything wrong – that it overwhelmed this other kid to the point that he didn’t really want to join in any more.

There’s also one bit of FTE invitation dialogue where Kaito claims he’s about to teach Kaede how to have peace of mind… and then he tells stories that make her question his definition of that. Which makes a lot of sense considering that ADHD minds, particularly hyperactive-type ones, are never relaxed for even a moment. Kaito doesn’t know how not to be energetic and over-the-top even when the people he’s with just want to wind down and relax, which also wouldn’t really do him any favours in terms of making friends.

But none of that is Kaito’s fault; he’s not trying to be selfish or drive these people away. It’s simply the way his mind is, always going full-throttle when most other people’s usually aren’t. He just gets so excited about so many things and has a hard time toning that down. Besides, why would Kaito even want to tone it down and be boringly down-to-earth when his mind could be up in space instead!? That’s much better! …except that most other people don’t see it that way.

Too much infodumping

In the training chat, after embarrassing himself with a bungled small talk question and being shown up by Shuichi making it look like it’s actually somehow not a problem to be too direct after all, Kaito attempts to bring things back around to small talk with the, uh, “safe” option of asking Maki what her favourite spaceship is. Which isn’t really small talk at all, of course – but then, actual small talk is hard for ADHD people, because it’s not interesting enough to care about paying proper attention to. They’d much rather be acting on that constant desire to talk about something they’re interested in, such as one of their hyperfixations, which is not always the best way to connect with others who don’t happen to be interested in the same thing.

(Fortunately, since another of his hyperfixations is Maki and her issues, Kaito is perfectly happy to listen once she starts talking about her past, and the conversation shifts back to a comfortable hero-and-sidekick situation again rather than an awkward and confusing how-do-I-friends???)

There’s another of those FTE invitation dialogues in chapter 1 where Kaito tells Kaede he’s a good listener… and then apparently Kaede spends the entire time listening to him instead. Except, obviously Kaito really is a good listener when it’s in his hero-and-sidekick context and he’s helping someone with their problems, because he’s invested in supporting them and so it’d be easy for him to pay attention. But perhaps, when it’s in a regular friendship context and the person he’s talking to doesn’t need his help (like Kaede doesn’t), Kaito’s not quite so good at listening because he’s not necessarily as interested in what they have to say. So he might be liable to just impulsively act on the desire to talk about the things he wants to (such as SPACE; there is always time for space) and then get so focused on it that he overlooks the other person’s feelings and genuinely doesn’t realise he’s coming across as kind of brash and self-absorbed.

Kaito’s second and third FTEs with Shuichi are an even better illustration of this. Upon Shuichi choosing to hang out with him for a second time, Kaito apparently realises Shuichi is interested enough in him to possibly want to be his friend. So he responds to this by… launching into a huge ridiculous story about his (completely make-believe) heroic adventures as a kid. This kind of one-sided conversation and bizarre topic choice is not, in fact, a great way to make friends with someone, but Kaito doesn’t seem to realise this. He finds his story so cool and exciting that he impulsively assumes Shuichi would too and jumps into it without actually confirming whether Shuichi wants to hear it or not. And, honestly, it seems like Shuichi doesn’t, at least not particularly, and is only listening out of politeness and an inability to get a word in edgeways. His less-than-enthusiastic response to Kaito’s story suggests that these FTEs are canonically meant to happen before training begins and Shuichi comes to properly consider Kaito a friend – and therefore that Kaito’s not really doing the best job here of making Shuichi begin to consider him a friend.

Still himself despite it all!

All of these potentially-ADHD-fuelled idiosyncrasies of Kaito’s make it a lot harder for him to make friends in the normal way – and he seems to be somewhat aware of this. Some of the things from the chapter 4 chat hint that he’s slightly insecure and afraid he’s going to put Shuichi and Maki off by being so dorkily himself. There’s also a little more of this in the Salmon Team bonus mode, in which friendship is the entire point, and yet a few lines when he’s inviting Shuichi to hang out hint that Kaito isn’t completely convinced that Shuichi would want to hang out with him as a friend rather than as a sidekick who needs his advice and support. If he was more used to having friends, he probably wouldn’t still be so insecure about this – so this honestly kind of suggests that Shuichi and Maki could be the first real friends Kaito’s ever managed to make.

Because of these kinds of issues in connecting with people, a lot of ADHD kids grow up unconsciously learning to suppress their true selves, hiding their boundless enthusiasm and unusual interests to seem more “normal” so that they can fit in. I know this because I was one such kid, and I’m still struggling to unlearn this as an adult. So I have huge admiration for Kaito having managed to not do this, refusing to let anything stop him from being himself at all times. His convictions about staying true to himself are even more impressive when you realise that he would have felt so pressured to break them and pretend to be someone he’s not in order to more easily make friends.

As strong-willed as Kaito is, I doubt he’d have been able to do this as a kid without help. His parents and grandparents must have been really, really good in validating his passion and energy and never making him feel ashamed for being the way he is, assuring him that if other kids can’t see how great he is then that’s their problem and not because he’s doing anything wrong. He wants to go to space more than anything else in the world? Awesome; he should chase that dream with everything he has and not care how ridiculous and childish and impossible everyone else seems to think it is! Not all parents would do that.

After all, there are a lot of occasions in which Kaito does just brazenly present his larger-than-life self to someone in a clumsily overbearing attempt to make friends, without showing even the subtlest sign of being worried it might put them off. For that matter, Kaito is generally very willing to just throw himself into things he’s unfamiliar with and possibly end up failing spectacularly and making a fool of himself – something that’s likely to be pretty painful for him, given how RSD is. While some of this is probably down to his impulsiveness and not even considering that he might fail, I’m sure sometimes he’s got to be aware of it, and if so, that’s some impressive resilience and determination. People with ADHD can become unconsciously inclined to never try at anything out of a fear of that painful failure, but of course Kaito would refuse to let that happen to him – which is really quite admirable.

Interestingly, all of the times Kaito is subtly insecure about his social skills – the chapter 4 scene, the Salmon Team bits, and maybe that time with the former friend in his FTE if you assume that him wrapping it up in a fiction means he’s still uncomfortable about what happened – involve someone he’s already friends with. After all, it’s probably easier for him to fearlessly dive in with someone new, because it’s less of a blow if he messes up in that context – not everyone’s going to click with him and that’s just how things go. But once Kaito’s already built a strong connection with someone, he becomes more afraid of messing up, because being rejected by someone important to him would be agonising. You might think that he ought to feel more comfortable around people he’s already friends with because he should trust them and know they’re not going anywhere no matter how much of a dork he is – but when RSD is a factor, it makes perfect sense for it to be the opposite.

Sidekicks can be friends, too!

Perhaps part of why Kaito is able to remain so confident in himself most of the time is because he nonetheless hasn’t grown up alone and lacking meaningful connections to other people. Despite his difficulty in making regular friends, he’s compensated for this by having sidekicks, which are a very different matter that his eccentricities conversely make him very good with. Being enthusiastic and energetic and over-the-top like Kaito can never not be is helpful when he’s being an inspiring hero, not weird or off-putting at all!

Still, while Kaito has a far easier time forging that initial connection with someone through the sidekick approach rather than the friend approach, that doesn’t make him worse at actually being someone’s friend (and not just their “hero”) once he’s got his foot in the door. If Kaito had told the story from his FTEs to Shuichi after they’d started training and properly bonded, Shuichi’s reaction would have been completely different: still probably exasperated, but in an affectionate kind of way, because he knows that’s just part of what makes Kaito who he is, and it’s actually pretty fun to be around. He has a lot of this sort of response to Kaito once they’re friends, and it’s adorable. It’s the same in the chapter 4 training chat – neither Maki nor Shuichi are at all put off by Kaito’s awkwardness, partly because they’re not exactly great at social skills themselves, but also because they know how much Kaito cares about them, and no amount of arbitrary social missteps could ever change that.

When someone becomes Kaito’s sidekick, meaning they’ve accepted his support and understand how much he wants to help them, they can see everything else about him that they might have found weird before in a new light. They learn that his eccentric behaviour isn’t him being deliberately rude or self-absorbed at all. It’s just genuinely how he is, and it’s part of how he can support them so well like he does, but that’s not all it’s good for. They come to appreciate Kaito not just for his incredible supportiveness, but for everything else about him, too. He’s not just their hero, but also their friend.

However… Kaito apparently can’t see that. Since he’s never been that good at forming regular friendships with people who don’t explicitly need him, he’s all too liable to assume that the people who do need him are only sticking around because of that, and no other reason. That co-dependency of Kaito’s I mentioned earlier, aka his rather unhealthy need to be needed? While the stressful context of the killing game definitely made it way worse throughout the story, it seems it was already slightly a thing in the first place – and if so, Kaito having ADHD could very well be the root cause.

Kaito is Good

Being realistic about how sadly uncommon well-represented neurodivergency is in fiction (and how misunderstood ADHD tends to be), I don’t know if I should try to assert that Kaito being ADHD was definitely the writers’ intent. However, almost every major facet of his character and personality fits with it so damn well that I want to think it’s at least possible that someone on the writing team could have had it in mind. Especially with the couple of bits I mentioned that seem like they could have been deliberately included by someone who Knows.

Still, even if it wasn’t intended, it’s amazing how good of a fit this is. Maybe it’s just that, in creating a character as intensely passionate as Kaito, the writers naturally wrote into him all the downsides of being that way as well, without even realising they were near-perfectly modelling the highs and lows of ADHD. After all, the human mind’s ability to simulate other human minds even when they’re not real is freaking magical. Kaito is such an incredibly well-written character with so much thought put into him whether or not he was meant to be as extremely ADHD-coded as he is.

I’ve always believed that Kaito is a fantastic example of how the best way to write realistic and interesting flaws into a character is to have them organically draw from traits that, in other situations, can be that character’s greatest strengths. And in my opinion, this is also kind of true about ADHD. When I figured out I had it and what it really meant, it was hugely validating for me, because I learned that almost everything I’d been struggling with was basically just the logically-inevitable downside of some of the things I’d always liked about myself, such as my ability to get so ridiculously analytical about stories I love like this. I wouldn’t trade those parts of myself away for anything – and I can’t imagine Kaito would, either.

I’ve seen a few posts and articles focusing on the bright side of having ADHD by listing some of the positive traits ADHDers often have because of it, and, delightfully, so many of them – fun to be around! compassionate! persistent! to name just a few – are things that Kaito has in spades. So, well, if ADHD can look so much like Kaito… then surely it can’t be all bad.

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(P.S.: High-five to anyone who headcanons Kaito as autistic! There’s a lot of overlap between that and ADHD. Many of the symptoms I’ve talked about here can also be symptoms of autism, and even with the non-overlapping bits, a lot of Kaito’s idiosyncrasies that I linked to ADHD could be interpreted slightly differently to link them to autism instead. I believe ADHD fits him somewhat better than autism does, but then I’m more knowledgeable about ADHD so my data is skewed, plus I’m pretty obviously biased since I’m personally invested in the idea of Kaito being like me. Taking a step back from my more specific headcanon here, though, there’s still every reason to assume that Kaito is at least some flavour of neurodivergent, and I think that’s pretty awesome.)

#danganronpa v3 #danganronpa v3 spoilers #kaito momota #character analysis #kaito's hero issues #ramble #adhd #adhd headcanons #creating that tag because i can already tell kaito won't be the only adhd headcanon i make #oh my god this ended up *longer* than the hero ramble how did this happen #and yes i will link to the hero ramble in every single other kaito ramble because it is always important #i also talked about myself in this more than i ever usually do on here so uh #personal?

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lunarnirvana · 4 years

Text

Lavender Moon

TRIGGER WARNINGS:

Please not read if these subjects upset or trigger you in any way. Heavy themes are present in my writing.

Descriptions of abduction, hospital setting, language, Vomiting, mentions of s*icide, non-consensual drug use, seizure, some descriptions involving gore, blood, injury, reader drugged, mentions of LSD and tripping, anxiety symptoms.

Prompt: Nicole’s Alphabet Angst for 8K - Occult

Summery: Reid and Reader are dating when a case involving the occult dredges up turmoil between the happy couple. The case being difficult enough, the resemblance between the Reader and the victims leaves Reid uneasy… (Full summary at bottom of writing so as not to spoil but if you’re worried about the content I’ll always add the full summary at the bottom! Stay safe)

Category: Angst with some fluff sprinkled here and there (Happy ending)

Word count: 7k

Pairing: Spencer Reid x BAU Female Reader

A/N: I hope saying this doesn’t discourage anyone from reading but this is my first imagine! I guess not that I’ve written, just posted. I’m kind of really nervous about putting this out there but why not? Also for future reference I write very intense and real things and I want this to be a safe place for everyone which is why I will try to be as thorough with my trigger warnings as humanly possible but if there is ever anything written that I did not warn you about before the writing I apologize and PLEASE let me know so I can make it a priority to include that warning in the future. Ty and tpwk <3 enjoy

“No evil ever came from a woman’s womb that wasn’t placed there first by a man.”

― Charles A. Cornell

Her intuition never betrayed her.

It was lodged deep inside her throat, the swell of hesitation like a globule that obstructed any resourceful observations about the crime scene photos. The innate feeling that the case was destined for calamity. Y/N didn’t let the gravity of her work weigh on her mental state until she was in the comfort of her confides where she could lick her psychological scars in peace.

The entire BAU regarded their unspoken directive was to bottle any reaction to the happenstances of the case with little exception. As they congregated at the round table they’d bind their biases against their eyes with the blindfolds they used to avoid looking at the bodies for too long. If you stared for too long into those gaping gashes, the blackness of the cavernous body would consume you completely. This is what they all knew to be true and so they pursued beasts with scar tissue forming over their minds and volatile hands with stoic accuracy.

This accuracy was entirely derivative of their abilities to detach from the emotional aspects of the case.

Garcia was the exception to this jurisdiction, her back turned against the horrific gore on the screen yet she described the carnage as if she were looking at it. She threw in some embellishments and innuendos for certain aspects that were too nauseating to repeat.

“We’ve got a local case today. Linda Jefferson and Kayla Burnen were the first two victims of what local PD wrote off as a suicide pact at first,” Garcia explained, “After further inspection, though, they discovered an incredibly high, nearly lethal dosage of LSD in their blood.”

Reid spoke up beside her when he noticed something in the tox-analysis results, startling Y/N slightly, “It's not synthesized in the same manner, though. There are certain proteins missing that would make this particular substance would ensure an emergence phenomenon would happen regardless of the environment.”

He let his hand fall into his lap so his girlfriend could trace figure eights in his palm with the tip of her finger in some apologetic gesture for the trivial fright as he chided. They’d been together for a year now so he understood what comforted her and what didn’t.

“So you’re saying they took bad acid? Growing up in my generation I can vouch that I never felt compelled to shoot someone under the influence,” Rossi chuckled at his own shortcomings and garnered amusement from the team.

“Actually, I believe this particular form of LSD was tampered with to cause a bad trip. You’d either have to be an idiot to make LSD this way or…” Reid drifted off, letting someone else conclude what was already obvious to him.

“You’d have to do it on purpose. You can’t mess up that bad and it not be intentional,” Emily agreed, bobbing her head back and forth while the raven locks framing her elongated facade veiled around her expression.

“A few days after those two were found,” She flipped the slide, “Beth Myers and Lola Sanchez were found in the same area with the same exact M.O. No correlations to the first two victims or to each other.”

Reid felt the way Y/N’s finger swirled against his palm and traced the creases in his skin before flipping his hand over so she could run her soft touch across his veins and phalanges. She found his hands fascinating suddenly, more fascinating than the case. When Garcia flipped to the picture of the victims he felt a sudden pressure as Y/N locked her grip around his hand. She squeezed it for reassurance as the smiling women stared at them through the screen.

“The victims had blood-let themselves, were covered in melted wax from candles, were placed in white nightgowns, and were forced to finish one another off by stabbing each other in the chests,” Garcia winced as she recited the details.

Y/H/C, the texture of their hair, and resemblance with her was the aligning factor between the four and it made Y/N’s chest wrench at the thought of being drugged with such petrifying euphoric paranoia. She could tell her boyfriend noticed her reaction but didn’t bother to meet his concerned gaze. He just stared down at her avoidance in yearning for some communication although he rarely gave her that courtesy himself. He could tell she held reservations about the case, especially when they realized the unsub was following ritualistic patterns and protocols, the occultism sprinkled through the murders like decoration.

Reid never took holding her hand for granted but in this instance he swore he heard bones cracking. Y/N was comforted by the gesture but realized she was hurting him when she felt him begin to crumble under the pain beside her. She turned to him quickly and released her vice-grip.

“Sorry, sorry,” She whispered toward him, not wanting to disturb the briefing.

“Its fine, hun, but what’s wrong?” He pressed.

She shrugged and slouched back into her chair, sinking into the seat as if it would express her silence. She told herself it was just anxiety and eventually convinced herself it was her own self doubt causing her to have such a guttural feeling. She watched the clock for the rest of her shift before gathering her personal effects from the surface of her desk, sweeping the items into her bag. Reid watched her maneuver rather quickly to get her things together. Expecting her to wait for him like always, he bent down to grab his satchel but when he arose she was halfway to the elevators, shuffling through interns and her coworkers to leave.

He followed her down to the lobby before bringing it up.

“I can tell when something’s wrong with you, love. What is it?” His hand had fallen to the small of her back as they walked out of the east entrance together.

“It just freaks me out sometimes, you know? The whole occultism thing,” Her voice was suddenly softer than he remembered.

Typically, this disquieted nature was portrayed by him but she remained unnerved the entire walk down. Something churned in her stomach and converted her into a placid arrangement of unease. Y/N despised the corruption of any establishment but this particular subject hit her square in the chest.

He smiled down to her while they approached the rugged vehicle parked on the far end of the lot. “Occult-related homicides are a statistical anomaly. They’re highly uncommon, Y/N/N, you have nothing to be afraid of.”

She nodded as she pulled the keys to her car out and passed them to him, “Can you drive?”

“Of course but only if I can pick the playlist,” He smirked, snatching the jangling keyring from where it swang on her index finger.

“No way in hell,” She giggled, “I am not listening to Bach the whole way home.”

She slipped into her seat and immediately her leg began to bounce with disarm. She tried to steady it herself as she watched Reid bend down to face her before getting in.

“I was gonna put on Brahms for your information,” His slender body folded into the front seat and he turned the key over in the ignition. Noticing her shaking leg, he reached his arm across the center console to rest on her knee as he began pulling out. It soothed under his touch and he smirked knowing exactly how to ease her even with the slightest gestures.

The base of the lamp was a wicker configuration and it flooded the room with brilliant fiery luminescence, the walls suddenly painted a pastel yellow from the warm lighting emitted from their bedside table. Along with that, illuminating the neglected contours of the room were a few white candles that burned on Y/N’s wooden bureau. Wax congregated at the foot of the tall towers of flame and spilled over the sides of the candle holder onto the wood.

The encapsulating smell of Nag Champa incense shrouded the room blending with the wafting smoke streaming from the ember-littered sage Reid’s eclectic bedmate’s hands. Y/N watched the silver scarf dance above the end of the dried bundle as it swirled around the room. Her eyes followed the smoke, eyelashes veiling her sight giving her a dark allure that Reid couldn’t keep his eyes off of.

He didn’t mind that she liked to indulge in the holistic benefits of burning herbs or the countless books she had on witchcraft and the occult. He found it charming. Although he knew when she was upset she’d do these “cleansing rituals” which really did nothing more than make their room smell like a Grateful Dead concert. She never was discomforted by the fact the unsub was utilizing occultist beliefs, she was upset at the perversion of her practice.

Of course, he was sworn to secrecy against telling the team about her hobby. She knew she’d be teased into oblivion for such an unorthodox collection of semi-precious stone, herbs, and essential oils that she claimed assisted trivial offenses. That was the aspect of her avocation Reid disagreed with.

They’d debated about it before but both were keen on their bias and so they agreed to leave the subject as an unspoken rift and move forward. Reid still found the smell of the incense suffocating especially when his migraines trickled in. She’d slip rosemary and peppermint into his tea to help his chronic condition but whenever he would catch the taste he’d beg her not to use her ‘pseudoscience’s instruction’ on him. Each time they’d get into an argument about it but eventually it’d fizzle out in sniffing apologies and fond interactions generally ensued.

“You’re really going to town on the bad juju tonight, huh?” He spoke up from behind his book. It was always strange to hear his shift in nomenclature when he left work, his vocabulary becoming relaxed and casual. He practically bathed in her relaxing aura. He would describe her the same way she describes the effects of lavender when she tried to spray some on his pillow to help him sleep.

He told her he didn’t need it as long as she was sleeping next to him and that was the first night they shared a bed. He hadn’t left her apartment since.

“I have a bad feeling about this case, Spence. I’d like to clear the negative energy from the room,” She said, waving the burning bundle of dried sage around the bed.

“The creepy ass painting you bought from the farmer’s market is still on the wall so I don’t think it’s working,” Reid laughed. She shot him a small warning glare that resulted in the two of them collapsing into hysterics.

She plopped on the bed, clutching her stomach from laughing with him as the tightening delight in her stomach began to burn. Reid was cackling, trying to make out the words, “You looked like a disgruntled care bear.” She felt relief from the laughter when his hand coiled around her waist and tucked her against his chest for safe keeping. She felt his soft lips quiet his dissipating chuckles as they pressed against her forehead.

The sage was smouldering against an abalone shell beside the bed and Reid let Y/N burn the candles throughout the night despite his heedings that it was a fire hazard. It seemed to bring serenity to her and that’s all he was concerned with.

They remained entangled like chains in a jewelry box, Reid soon enveloping her in his grasp completely. He worried that the victims looked too similar to her as he struggled to fall asleep beside her but eventually, the rhythmic movement of her breathing against him brought him enough poise to sleep.

The case dragged out across a couple of weeks stretching resources and mindsets across the vast expanse of interrogation and interviews. They sharpened the victimology down to a finite point to dig into the unsub’s plans and wrench him away from his potential choices. They were delivering the profile to the police department when Y/N noticed Reid’s hand was now tightly gripping hers instead of their usual routine.

He held their hands behind them so the crowd wouldn’t see the unprofessionalism. As each new victim was discovered resembling the woman he woke up to every morning he began feeling that same tension she’d expressed. Now, as he heard the profile, it brought an agitation to his stomach. His grip was tight and unwavering and unlike hers it didn’t shake at all. It was like he was afraid if he let her go, the unsub would be lying in wait behind them to snatch her away.

“We believe he’s a male caucasian driving a blue Ford Crown Victoria which he uses to abduct the women,” Rossi began.

“His victims are aged twenty three to twenty eight and we think he’s in the same age bracket,” Hotch continued as the soft sound of scribbling followed.

“Combining that with the fact he can synthesize LSD into a more aggressive formula suggests we’re dealing with a highly intelligent unsub with an extensive knowledge in chemistry,” Reid said monotonously despite his conflict.

“This isn’t surprising. Psychopaths often have above average intelligence. Coupled that with trauma relating to a religious mother figure who was abusive in some respect. Either his biological mother or a foster parent,” JJ nodded through her portion, her dark ocean eyes striking every gaze in motherly vivacity.

Y/N sat up, “For some reason this unsub will not engage in the killing himself. He watches the two victims kill one another under the influence of drugs and instructs them on how to mutilate one another,” she suddenly felt Reid’s hand leave hers but remained focused on the expectant faces of the precinct, “His M.O. is consistent with occult sacrifices. It's a form of homicidal voyeurism that could represent his own impotency or may be a forensic countermeasure.”

Reid lurched forward, pushing himself off of the edge of the desk and excused himself politely as he walked back toward the bathrooms. Y/N turned over her shoulder to look, her eyebrows wrought with concern but Emily’s modulated voice leashed her back into delivering the profile.

“He’s been consistently choosing his victims to coincide with the seven deadly sins. First greed where the first two victims were taken from a casino then lust. The third and fourth victims were in an online BDSM chatting room when they were lured into a threesome with the unsub where he killed them. Because of this consistency in his signature, we’ve predicted his next choice is going to be Envy,” Emily explained.

“His target location is going to be an underground swingers club. Our team and some members of the force will be undercover as security for the club. You’re looking for anyone who might complain that they’ve been roofied or look for women who seem overly intoxicated,” Morgan informed.

Y/N leaned back into the table behind her while she quickly spoke, trying desperately to rush through the profile to check on her boyfriend, “So far he’s been following the major astrological events happening in the past month. Tomorrow night is a Harvest Moon and a partial solar eclipse which fits his preference. Excuse me.”

As soon as the sentence ended she was following Reid to the bathroom. She turned behind her to see the crowd still mesmerized by the team as they briefed them and took the opportunity to slip inside unnoticed. She knew Hotch and Morgan would pester the two of them about it later but she couldn’t help it. She saw the way his face shifted to a paled green hue and how he gripped his stomach as he pushed the swinging door open.

Her suspicions were confirmed when she saw his oxfords poking out of the stall and the sound of retching echoed in the bathroom. Y/N ran beside him and rubbed circles into his back, feeling tears well at her waterline and threaten to spill over. She blinked them away quickly to not upset him any more. Guilt wracked her chest.

“Shh, shh, it’s ok,” She soothed and crouched beside him in the stall so that she could rest her head on his shoulder blade. She watched her hand slide across the woven knit of his cardigan, smoothing the fibers down and continued to try and calm him. She could feel him sobbing dryly, his back arching with each heave. Eventually he felt it was safe to lean back against the far wall of the stall and face her.

The skin around his eyes puckered with irritation, shining with the tears that slipped from the corners. He closed them tightly, wrinkling his face in an agonized expression while Y/N leaned forward. She rested her hands on his knees that were awkwardly sprawled in different directions in the small confides of the stall. She sat between them, tucked into herself so as to not take up too much room.

“Talk to me, Spencer,” she pleaded.

He actually decided to, exhausted by the weight of the bodies that piled in the morgue and his quivering stomach. “I’m worried about you being on this case. I don’t want you to get,” he gagged on the rest of the sentence and vomited into the porcelain bowl again.

“Baby, please stop worrying about it so much,” she was begging now as tears began to haphazardly fall onto his back. He sat up at the sensation and resumed his previous position.

His horse voice came forward now as he tried to swallow the mucus that lined his throat now. “Promise me you won’t leave my side until this case is over, okay? Until the unsub is in custody,” He asked her through his darkly adorned eyes.

“I promise,” She assured and it brought a relief to his nausea, “I have mouthwash and ginger gum in my bag. I’m gonna text Morgan to come bring me it—“

“I can walk, honey. If you tell Morgan he’ll call me something like barf boy for a week,” he chuckled and began to sit up. His legs wobbled beneath him slightly but he caught himself on her shoulders. She gripped his elbows tightly.

“You’re dehydrated, come here,” She lead him to the sink where he could wash up and rinse the taste of bile from his tongue.

Pulsating basslines berated Reid’s chest making him feel like he was choking on the loud music. He despised clubs like these dipped in technicolor animosity and relishing in the electronic stimulation the club reverberated. Each member was stationed at certain points of the room such as beside exits, the landings of stairwells, and an agent at each corner. Y/N was beside the bar vehemently watching each drink poured and handed out, ensuring no hands slipped tabs into the liquor.

Hotch’s instruction was patched in through their earpieces.

“Blonde hair, black button up in the west corner of the bar by you, Y/L/N,” Reid heard and immediately his gaze shot toward her.

She was alerted and her sight honed in on the suspect. He was analyzing the body language of the woman before him who held similar semblance to Y/N. He waited patiently for her to let her guard down and look away from her drink and he was charming her into doing it.

The girl threw her head back in laughter and he saw his opportunity presented before him. Y/N watched his meticulous hands slip a small white tablet into the amber liquid of the girl’s glass. It dissolved into a discreet poison, lacing her glass with LSD.

Then he looked at Y/N and she felt his taunting stare desecrate her sanctity. She didn’t express it, though, her stoicism making him come to the conclusion she was a cop. His eyes widened and he grabbed the startled hands of the two women beside him, one seemingly more intoxicated than the other.

“Suspect is on the move with two friendlies, agent in pursuit.” Y/N’s voice was patched through and Reid watched her bolt after the unsub as she unholstered her gun.

“Wait,” he said through the earpiece, “Y/N, wait!”

She proceeded despite his protest and chased the unsub out of the building where he began loading the girls into his car. They obeyed, the trip settling in for at least one of them. He held a gun to the sober one’s back but Y/N in a flurry of indecision charged at the unsub.

“FBI! Stop or I’ll shoot!” She warned.

He drew his gun toward her but she shot his shoulder clean making his gun fly out of his hand. The man cried out, one hand falling on the gushing wound but he closed the door before the sober woman could get in, trapping her counterpart inside. He staggered toward the driver side and ducked into the car as she began to aim her gun at him again, threatening another offense.

Y/N reached out and pulled the girl from the skidding tires as he sped off before she could even process that the other girl was trapped inside. Once she did she began trying to shoot his tires out but to no avail. The girl was sobbing in her arms now, her tears bleeding through Y/N’s shirt that peaked out from above her Kevlar.

“You’re safe now, it’s okay,” she assured, “You’ve been drugged you need to be taken to a hospital,” Y/N said and almost as if on cue, Morgan could be heard behind her calling for a bus.

JJ came and took the sniffling victim from Y/N’s care allowing Reid to grab her shoulders and spin her around to face him. He inspected her facade for any damage but she brushed him off.

“I’m fine, Spence, but the other girl. We have to find her,” She grabbed his arm as he grabbed hers and they interlocked their forearms to reinforce some affection.

“You need to stop chasing after suspects with no backup. You’re being reckless and I’m taking you home, Y/N/N.” His voice was stern and she didn’t bother protesting from the way he looked at her.

Reid was fuming on the car ride home, the whites of his knuckles highlighted even in the darkness as he gripped the steering wheel. Y/N was curled against the passenger side door, wrapped in his sweater that she pulled taught around her frame.

“Can we please not fight when we get home?” He asked suddenly, voice breaking through the silence of the car, “I don’t want you to argue with me to go back into the field. This entire case has been so draining I just need you to understand seeing you do stuff like that— it kills me.”

“I know, Spence. Are you getting a headache?” She noticed him wince as someone passed with their high beams blazing. He groaned at the exposure, pinching the bridge of his nose and nodded.

She decided to make him some tea when they got home. Preparing the mug in the kitchen, she seeped the jasmine leaves and reached inside the cupboard for the mason jars she had filled with various dried herbs. Making the tea kept her mind occupied from the disrupting guilt she reserved for not saving the other girl. It was a guilt that clamped her arteries and made even the simplest tasks seem harrowing.

She put a pinch of dried rosemary and a drop or two of peppermint extract, stirring it in with some sugar. The sound of the metal spoon scraping the bottom of the glass brought her attention back to her task.

Her fingers coiled around the warm ceramic mug and she walked it carefully into the living room where Reid laid on the couch with a pillow pulled over his eyes. She took the hint and dimmed the lights but as she set down his tea he could already smell the additives.

Coupled with the headache, he’d never become genuinely upset over her affinity for the occult until now. He sat up with exasperation and picked it up, sniffing the steam to confirm his suspicions.

“Y/N, seriously?” He asked and looked up to her but his own voice made a piercing impact on his head.

“Seriously what?” She repeated defensively.

“You know what. I honestly can’t believe you. Especially after the case we just had,” he shook his head, laying back down.

“So you’re not even gonna drink it?” She asked, her face falling to an annoyed deadpan although he couldn’t see it.

“Jesus. No. I’m not. Can you just leave me alone for right now?” He asked finally.

A twinge of hurt stabbed her chest at the request and she took the mug as he pulled the pillow back over his face. In the darkness, he could see her pained expression etched into his vision. The shuffling in their bedroom intrigued him as well and he began to realize what he’d said. It blurred the agonizing migraine and caused him to sit up only moments later to apologize.

As he stared at the empty room he was startled by the sudden creek of their door from behind him. Looking over his shoulder, he only caught the tail end of her jacket as she walked out. A raucous slam followed making him wince at the sound.

I really screwed up.

Reid pushed through the shroud of pain emanating from the fluorescence of the room, reaching forward for his own coat. A ripping agony followed and he doubled over, burying his face in his palms so he wasn’t staring at the light. A groan tore through the empty apartment as he tried to rub the headache away so he could chase after her.

Following Y/N proved to be farcical in his condition and he leaned against the couch in defeat, praying she’d just step outside for some fresh air.

Y/N stomped down the street with a quivering chin like a small child, sobs tearing through any muscle or fiber holding the sound in. People on the street avoided her state awkwardly, their gazes falling to the concrete when she’d pass. Humiliation was wrought in her mannerisms but she didn’t care. He told her to leave him alone over tea. She knew his migraines were the culprit but she couldn’t stay cooped up inside. There was a girl being tortured somewhere and she was sitting at home making tea with her boyfriend? There was something unfair to her about the situation.

She heard her phone trill a few times but ignored the noise, fleeing toward a local park down the street. She decidedly plopped down in the jagged blades of grass, kicking the shoes she threw on to the side so that she could feel the ground beneath her. She wanted to be as close to the ground as humanly possible to calm herself.

Every time she’d begin to soothe her cries her phone would ring bringing another wave of distraught. Through her tears, the world was a blur of velvet indigos distrusted suddenly by a dark shadow looming over her. She gasped in reaction but that’s all he gave her time to do before she felt his hand grab her head and pull her up by her jaw, his large gloved hands covering her entire face.

His fingers were sprawled apart so she could see herself being dragged away. Something bitter slipped onto her tongue and she tried to spit it out but the unsub locked her jaw shut to force the drug to work through her system. She tried to scream but with each muffled shrill he’d tighten his grip. Her teeth involuntarily grit against each other from the force and she screamed against her lips for help.

Y/N thrashed around as much as she could before she felt a pinprick in her right arm. Then the world shifted to a darker blue until her vision was gone completely.

Waking up in a wooded field sanctioned off from society’s wandering earshot, she felt the zip tie’s digging into her ankles and wrists. The skin had swelled around the bindings, causing excruciating pain whenever she’d move. She could feel her lip bleeding from being split by someone’s fists. Suddenly, a face fell before hers and began to cut the zip ties. Why was he cutting her loose?

“Good morning, sleepy head. You… you really messed my night up, you know that?” The man asked, his hand falling to her cheek.

Instead of skin she felt the smooth sensation of latex against her. The medicinal smell filled her nostrils and she closed her eyes, pretending she was in the hospital with Spencer there instead of him.

“How…” she found it harder to speak than normal, “How did I do that?”

“Clara. I had Clara picked out. She was the perfect one but you were jealous of her. You wanted me all to yourself. Envy is a sin,” his words were venomous.

He couldn’t have been much older than her, sand colored locks that fell in soft tufts around his face. He looked like a renaissance painting with a wicked possession, his blue eyes complimented by the crimson of his bloodshot waterline. When he smirked at her his face shifted from an archangel to that of a demon, waiting to consume her whole.

Then, she noticed the shifting movement beside her. The other victim was tied up beside her and groaned as she awoke. In the darkness even, Y/N could see the girl’s pupils were dilated. She suddenly began screaming and thrashing around violently, kicking at the open air as if there were a second offender in front of her.

“Hey, hey! It’s okay, there’s nothing there!” Y/N tried but the girl couldn’t hear her, only the muffled calls of her hallucinations.

“Darcy, I need you to shut the fuck up sweetie,” the unsub grimaced.

She quieted down almost immediately but still shook in fear at whatever she was seeing before her.

Y/N turned back to the man in front of her, “Let her go. You don’t want her, you want me.”

“On the contrary, I want both of you,” he seemed coherent enough but was still clearly suffering a psychotic break. Psychopaths usually hid those breaks well.

“Why?” Y/N’s gaze suddenly shot straight through his, “You’re afraid if you touch us you’ll be infected with our sin?”

She made a move to spit in his face and he jumped back, yelling and wiping his face harshly with his sleeve. “You filthy bitch! My father will love you,” a smile etched across his face.

“Your father? Where’s your father?” She looked around for a partner but no one could be seen.

“The destroyer of souls of men. He bears the torch, the herald of dawn,” He spoke in his cryptic tongue but Y/N remembered Reid reciting certain portions of the Bible and poetry regarding Lucifer.

“Your father is the devil, right? Lucifer?” She asked.

He suddenly slapped her, the latex making the blow sting that much worse. Blood trickled from her teeth down her hanging lip but she sat back up despite the pain.

“My mom used to bathe me in bleach. She cleansed me of my sins. She’d scrub the chemicals into my back and say ‘Your daddy’s the devil.’” He seemed to find some inner turmoil with his logic but continued to quote his mother in a southern accent, “‘Your daddy is satan and you were born into this world as an abomination.’”

The M.O. and signature began to align with his claims, a severe case of germaphobia which rendered him unable to carry out the murders himself. He lets his victims do it for him.

As he spoke she watched his face begin to shift and swirl into a much eviler expression. His lips coiled into a smile, his eyes narrowing into black slits and his nose sunk into his skull. He began taking the form of a horrifying wraith, horns practically splintering out of his forehead. The trees began to sway and dance despite the lack of wind and the stars in the sky melted into glowing stalagmites that threatened her toward the ground.

Everything began to distort and she felt herself descend into horror. The acid was taking effect and as the girl’s blood curdling shrieks erupted beside her she began to put her head between her knees and sob. He rubbed her hair, sighing.

“Even the warriors must crumble. You’ll bow to my god,” he stood and suddenly tangled a fistful of hair into his hands, yanking her up along with Darcy.

Shrieking as the pain visualized before her in petrifying hallucinations she was positioned before the screaming girl. The unsub instructed Darcy to take the dagger from his hand and stab Y/N. She refused, shaking her head.

“It’s ok,” Y/N assured even as the trip progressed, “It’s ok. Just do what he says, I promise it’s ok.”

Darcy bawled as she hesitantly took the dagger. She walked toward Y/N and slowly drove the knife right beside her hip bone. She groaned, her hand falling forward onto Darcy’s shoulder. “Fuck,” she moaned as the squelching sound echoed through her head.

She keeled over the agony, wrapping her arms around herself. It was harrowing to have to pressurize a wound on oneself she found. Even the slightest touch against her cut felt like she was being stabbed repeatedly. She felt the cool tip of the Unsub’s gun push her up by her shoulder. That was when she realized only one of his hands were in use. The other one was still inflicted with the gunshot she fired. If she weren’t so high she would have used that to her advantage.

With the pain came even more disillusionment. She looked down at her palms and suddenly a bloodied dagger was grasped in them. “No, no, no,” she whispered.

Darcy pleaded for Y/N not to stab her and the agent had no intention of carrying out the Unsub’s fantasy.

“Kill me yourself you coward,” she spat, “I’m not hurting her.”

“I didn’t think you’d be persuaded that easily,” suddenly a gunshot cracked through the soundscape. It rang in Y/N’s ears causing her to buckle over in pain. Nothing seemed real. Her chest felt like it would tear open at any second, freeing her palpitating heart from it’s confides.

She watched the girl’s body fall limply before her and screamed out, racing to her side. The more she looked at the corpse the worse the gore progressed. Eventually, she was staring at a demon.

“FBI! Kye Alderwood, put your hands up!” Reid’s booming voice came from across the field. When she turned to look at him, though, he wasn’t himself.

He was taller, probably eight feet tall, and his body was stretched and elongated into a bony configuration. His face twisted and melted into a horrifying facade and he charged at her. His hands were giant daggers waiting to rip into her. She didn’t see the unsub aim his gun toward her but heard another shot fired. Suddenly, another demonic corpse laid beside her.

She couldn’t fathom grabbing the gun from the unsub’s vapid hands but there she was snatching the glock from the grass it was enveloped in. She didn’t comprehend that her boyfriend was in front of her. What she was seeing was a nightmare unfolding before her. The delusions were real. It was all real.

Reid stumbled back when he saw the gun pointed at him. He thought it was a mistake but when he saw her eyes he knew she wasn’t seeing him. Her paranoia was evident as she hyperventilated and her entire frame trembled, barely able to stand. Swaying back and forth and she wept he felt himself grow sick at the sight.

“Y/N! Put the gun down, honey, it’s just me,” he pleaded.

A sob broke through her voice, “Get away from me!”

“It’s Spencer, baby,” Now he was crying, terrified she’d pull the trigger. In any other circumstance this situation would have diffused by now but the LSD in her system turned her completely hysterical.

“Leave me alone!” The words being reflected back to him just wretched his heart further.

He wasn’t even pointing his own weapon at her anymore. He stopped pointing it at her the second he recognized her. Now it was pointed askew, the barrel facing the grass beside him. Neither of them could have aimed a gun at one another in the right mindset where she didn’t reside for the time being.

Seemingly, her psychosis seemed to penetrate any affection they shared. Beads of sweat formed on her skin as she held the gun steadily toward his frame. He knew if she shot him it’d be a kill shot. She had the best aim on the team.

“Please, baby, I love you so much. Just put the gun down I won’t hurt you,” Reid persisted through it as he heard reinforcements file in behind him. He spun around, waving Morgan, Hotch, and Emily away.

“Don’t come any closer! She’s drugged, she can’t help it and I swear to God if you shoot her I’ll resign!” He warned the other agents who heeded his warning despite the alarming display before them. They still kept their guns aimed at their teammate in allegiance to the judicial implications.

Y/N’s trip began to peak, the world around her becoming unrecognizable in the heap of apparitions that surrounded her. She screamed as misshapen, flesh colored bats charged down at her, flying toward her and swatted them away.

Reid watched her pushing and swatting away imaginary attackers and took the opportunity to run toward her. She screamed and thrashed around in his arms, clawing his skin and kicking at his legs behind her.

Everything looked like bloody flesh. Every blade of grass felt like rusty nails driven through her feet. She felt like she was coiled in the death grip of an anaconda.

“Stop! Stop! You’re gonna hurt yourself!” He tightened his grip on her and used one leg to pin both of hers against his other one. She was completely entangled in him again and the familiarity of his cologne instantly calmed her, he thought. As fell completely limp, relief deluged his psyche only to be matched with her sudden convulsions.

She slipped into a violent seizure, shaking and jarring her body as he lowered her onto the ground and to her side. Hotch and Emily fell beside him and he watched blood seep from her nose and mix with the medley of blood on her lips. He was whimpering as he tried to relax her muscles and barking orders to the others surrounding him. Eventually, her shaking form was taken by the EMTS who were already on the scene. He stood in the wake of the scene, bodies strewn about him wondering what she saw him as that terrified her so.

She was treated for an overdose in the hospital and as Reid entered her room he saw her small figure curled up on the hospital bed. He felt his heart shatter for the hundredth time that night as he floated toward her like a ghost. Placing his hand on her arm, she jumped suddenly startling him as well. He didn’t expect her to be awake so soon. if

“Jesus,” he breathed out, clutching his chest.

She flipped over to face him and couldn’t help but smile at his reaction. “Dork,” she said hoarsely. The way her inflection cracked made him frown in response.

“I don’t even,” he struggled to find the right words, “I’m so sorry.”

“You’re sorry? I tried to kill you, Spencer,” she began to recollect the happenstances, “I could have killed you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know it’s going to be hard for us to get back to normal.”

“You had ten times a normal recreational dose of LSD in your system. That wasn’t you,” he assured.

She nodded softly and scooted back, patting the vacant place beside her on the hospital bed.

“I can’t. I don’t want to hurt you,” as the sentence stumbled out of his mouth he couldn’t help but start crying again.

He was surprised he didn’t bawl himself into dehydration on the way to the hospital. She reached up and grabbed his wrist, leading him down to her where he crawled beside her.

Cupping his face in her hands she felt the sticky coagulation of tears that caked his face. Pulling him toward her, their lips locked and worked against one another before completely enveloping one another in devotion.

Pulling away she caught his glassy irises with hers, “You could never hurt me. Not really,” she replied.

“But I did. I told you to leave me alone and you left and had to go through…” he decided not to bring up the trauma.

She couldn’t remember the trip itself, only what she did during it. He didn’t want to bring it up and trigger an acid flashback.

“I left because I was hurt, yeah, but you didn’t hurt me. I felt so guilty about leaving Clara with the unsub that I thought making you that tea would help me feel better. We should have just stayed in the field, maybe we could have caught him before he killed anyone,” she sighed.

Reid nodded and kissed the tip of her nose, then her forehead, then peppered the rest of her face with the same affection.

She ran her fingers over the skin on his arm and felt raised scar tissue in her wake. Looking down, bruises and scars were freckles across the pale vastness of his arm. She choked back, her hand falling to her lips.

“Did I do this to you?” She asked, her eyes glued to the cuts now.

He craved for her relief so he shook his head. “I don’t remember where I got them but it wasn’t because of you,” He lied. Realistically, she’d clawed and cut his arms until she began seizing. The cocktail of drugs in her system left him a stranger to her while she was high.

She nodded, “I’m so sorry, baby.”

“There’s no way we could have known. I need you to not blame yourself for this because if you do I won’t be able to live with myself. This wasn’t anyone’s fault,” he snaked his arms around her waist carefully, avoiding her bandages.

“I know, I know,” she sighed and nestled into the crook of his neck, “I promise I won’t make you anymore occultist migraine tea.”

He pulled his chin from resting at the top of her head to look at her. He suddenly cupped her cheeks now and made sure she understood.

“Please, never stop making me migraine tea again,” he said before pulling her into a kiss again.

FULL SUMMARY:

Reid and Reader are dating when a case involving the occult dredges up turmoil between the happy couple. The case being difficult enough, the resemblance between the Reader and the victims leaves Reid uneasy. After Reader disrupts the Unsub’s routine she becomes a target. After Reid fights with the Reader because of a migraine, she is taken hostage by unsub and is drugged with LSD and nearly shoots Spencer while tripping.

#spencer reid angst #reid angst #cm fan fic #cms #cm fan fiction #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer fan fic #spencer reid #trigger warning #reid fanfic #reid fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #reid x reader #reid imagine #spencer reid imagine #nicolesalphabetangstfor8k

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riceccakes · 3 years

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Earth, Wind, and Coffee: Chapter Four Analysis

and now the last chapter of the fic! i really had so much fun writing these analyses so i hope you’ve enjoyed too :))

i’ve got a lot to say about this last chapter too so be prepared for a long one. lets get to it, shall we?

some fun stuff before we start!

before changing the direction of the story, the last chapter of the fic was going to be Chapter 3: The Meeting, A Well Deserved Jab, and a Good Night’s Rest

so, The Meeting was going to happen, korrasami was gonna come back together and instead of the krew outing during this chapter’s A Well Deserved Jab, korrasami was gonna go out on a date. korra still would punch iroh, korra never ‘moved in’ with asami, it was just gonna be a fluffy section. A Good Night’s Rest was actually going to feature hiroshi going to asami’s apartment while korra was over and being like “who the fuck is this” and korra was gonna be upset asami didn’t tell her dad about them (as, in the og timeline, they would be dating at this point) they’d have a convo working this out, a little like how korra said she’d never understand how asami and hiroshi don’t have a great relationship in A Much Needed Conversation. korra would then go to hiroshi’s office and make that whole speech and still ask asami to go the south. this is a v summed up version, one that when i made it, i was happy with. having published what i did, i much enjoy that ending more than this one :)

i wanted a way to show that korra likes asami (obviously, this is a korrasami fic) but of course, asami spent most of this only wishing korra liked her

mako asking out korra was a late edition, one i actually really like. mako’s role in the fic is pretty minor, sorry to those of you who really love him and maybe wanted more from him. however, i am a really big fan of the fact that in lok, even after all the stupid love triangle shit, mako was able to be good friends with korrasami, so i still wanted to capture that. he’s not at all upset when korra turns him down, but rather super happy for the fact that korrasami feel the same way about each other. an even later edition to this point is the bedroom scene when korra asks asami to wait for her, i’ll mention more about this scene later cause i really love it.

and we in gooooo: (i usually try to write these following the sections of the chapter but for this analysis, im gonna go topic by topic within each section)

literary devices (diction, figurative language, etc.):

There have been better days than this one. Days where Korra blows up Asami’s phone with funny Instagram posts she finds while Asami’s at school, days where she invites Mako and Bolin over and the four of them play board games, days where Korra asks if they can go out for a walk and she excitedly explores the area around Asami’s apartment. There have been worse days than this one. Days where Korra won’t get out of bed, days where Korra won’t speak, days where Korra won’t even look at Asami and she has to see that glossed over gaze gawk out the glass window.

back again, just quoting my favorite sections. and this one, yall, this one. the mirrored writing style, the ending with alliteration, how easily it describes a passage of time i mean come on. when i wrote this i was like “yyyyaaaasssss” and i won’t deny it. the “glossed over gaze gawk out the glass window” is obvious in alliteration, one that just sounds so good, it rolls off the tongue. but, there’s actually also another one, one that’s a bit more hidden “she excitedly explores the area around Asami’s apartment” note how these both end the descriptions of korra’s bad/good days respectively, as a sort of way to frame which parts of the sentence correspond with the good days and bad days. now, going onto korra’s days, three examples of good days, three examples of bad days (that’s technically six different days right there, and it doesn’t even have to be in succession.) what i also love about this info into korra’s days is how it shows a passage of time without having to be like “it’s been a few weeks” or “after some time/a while” it doesn’t stick out, at least not to me, it’s not a jarring way to say, “hey, in the story now, time has passed since last chapter!” idk, i just am really proud of this paragraph and i wanted to point it out in its own section :)

Asami will never, ever say she’s happy that the Red Lotus attack happened, but, it’s what brought Korra to her. It’s what brought more friends to her, it’s what brought her to see her father isn’t as great and almighty as she’d grown up to believe. How could she ever thank something so horrible for bringing about all these life changing things in her life?

this sort of, existential section, was something i came up with on the toilet. (tmi? im not gonna apologize tho, this is a behind the scenes explanation of my writing and some of my best writing happens on the toilet ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) any who, i didn’t want to leave any loose ends and, up until this chapter, i don’t really think i showed how asami felt about the attack and the situation and what’s happened after. also, asami being the perfectionist and analyst she is, i know she’d reflect on everything that’s happened to her in the span of about six months (give or take) and even more so, reflect on what’s happened with korra in the time they’ve known each other. it was a bit painful to write this section, it’s that sort of mentality that’s like “some horrible, horrible shit happened, but really, really good things came out of it. so, should i still hate all that horrible stuff or should i just appreciate the good things that came out of it?” (i’ve been debating this for years now with something personal and to this day, i’m not sure. i’m not sure if i’m more thankful for it all happening because of the few good moments it brought or if i wish none of it happened for the chance at some alternate reality of good things happening. anyways, i digress)

Kuvira stays silent for a moment, “When Hiroshi reaches out to you, tell him everything you said to me. Tell him everything you said when we were in your apartment after the presentation. He needs to know how you feel, he needs to know how he’s made you feel for years. Hiroshi can’t change if he doesn’t know what’s wrong and you want him to change, don’t you?”

Asami grips the steering wheel, staring at the red light in front of her. Her foot slowly pulses on and off the break, inching forward, waiting for the signal.

“I do.”

She feels the pit of her stomach churn, wondering if she could ever say all of it to her father. Kuvira isn’t wrong, she wants her father to change, but not in every way. Not in the business sense, not in the ambition sense, but rather, she wants a father, she wants to feel like the man she calls Dad really deserves the title. It pains her to say he hasn’t. The light turns green and Asami’s foot hovers over the gas pedal.

“So then you’ll tell him?”

For just a moment, her Satomobile doesn’t move but with a sharp, deep breath, Asami steps on the pedal. “I will.”

back again with our car metaphor/symbol thing! i really do love this idea of using the Satomobile as a way to show the relationship between hiroshi and asami, and how asami handles that relationship. this is from A Much Needed Conversation, some time after asami’s returned to future industries, calling kuvira in reluctant hope of knowing what her father is doing. they talk about asami telling hiroshi all this important stuff, stuff that asami’s been hesitant to bring up at all. (only after a breaking point did she finally let it out) this section has a mix of it all, diction, metaphor, along with some suspense by using line breaks.

Her foot slowly pulses on and off the break, inching forward, waiting for the signal. / “I do.” - here’s a good example of suspense. (it continues through the rest of the excerpt) so, here was have asami, absolutely scared shitless, as she always is with her father and this subject of her life in relation to him. except, now with their time apart and what happened with the meeting, asami’s kind of got this “fuck it, whatever” mentality that goes a few different ways. “fuck it, whatever” my dad totally turned on me and was an asshole, i don’t care. “fuck it, whatever” we cut off ties, i can do whatever i want. “fuck it, whatever” i might very well do whatever it takes to get my dad back because i miss him but im also super scared as per usual. “fuck it, whatever” im not the one who needs to do anything to get him back so i won’t even think about it. there’s just a lot for asami to unpack here and in the setting of her father’s legacy, it’s even more for her.

She feels the pit of her stomach churn...The light turns green and Asami’s foot hovers over the gas pedal. - more suspense. the light is green, green means go, but asami is waiting, thinking, hesitating. this also relates to the line earlier “waiting for the signal” well, this is the signal, the green light means go. but also, kuvira telling asami to tell hiroshi everything is also the signal to go, it’s like the push for asami to do it. she sees the signal, it’s go time, and yet “Asami’s foot hovers over the gas pedal” asami is still nervous, still scared to have this conversation with her father because she just doesn’t know what’s going to happen.

“So then you’ll tell him?” / For just a moment, her Satomobile doesn’t move but with a sharp, deep breath, Asami steps on the pedal. “I will.” - this mirrors just a few lines earlier. when kuvira asks asami to tell hiroshi everything while she’s waiting for the green light, her dialogue has a line break. for dramatic effect purposes, but also to show a sense of firmness. it’s by itself, it doesn’t need to be supported; asami really, truly means this. however here, her dialogue tag is connected to the narration its related to. even while asami confirms she’ll do this, that she’ll talk to her father, it’s hesitant, it takes a moment for her to say yes.

what i really love is how much can be covered in such few lines. i’m not sure you all saw this when reading, ive always been very into reading/writing analysis, so i’m always looking at everything with a fine tooth comb; in my own writing, it’s no different. if you didn’t see this before, i hope learning it now gives you a different perspective if you ever choose to read my fic again :)

content (typing up loose ends, leaving breadcrumbs, additional info):

lets talk about korra

a lot happens for our girl in this last chapter. i’ll try to be concise, i tend to kind of ramble. i think what’s kind of cool, and i didn’t realize this beforehand, is that theres a speech from korra in each section. in A Well Deserved Jab, we see korra’s first time speaking at the support group meeting and what i really like about this is there’s no real big event that’s happened for her to finally be able to go up there. i feel like there’s always this one, life altering moment in stories when people need to deal with trauma or just work up the courage to do something, but in our case, it’s not like that. it’s the time and the care that’s slowly been working and helping korra for her to feel ready. it’s been a culminating process for her to get to go up there and for whatever reason, korra felt ready. let’s go a little into this speech

we finally learn more about the attack. we learn why korra’s always been picking at her wrists, the memory of the zip ties are still strong and she scratches at hopes of making the feeling go away. we also hear more about korra losing control that night, which in turn made her want to control everything with her life after the event. (lil fun-ish note while we talk about some deep stuff right now, last chapter’s first paragraph, about korra enjoying pour over coffees, was a purposeful choice. when doing pour overs, you have direct and absolute control over the coffee and how you make it, which gives korra a greater sense of comfort, because she knows she’s in charge when doing this.) my favorite part about this whole speech is right before the tail end of it, where korra says “sometimes surprises are better than plans” it was never in her plan to meet someone and find comfort and support and love and grow with it. (my headcanon is that korra just wanted to mull this over alone, sort of like in book four after the canon red lotus attack.) instead, korra met asami and the two clicked and korra could see a light at the end of her tunnel she thought would be pitch black forever. i really enjoyed getting to write this for korra.

korra’s second speech takes place in A Much Needed Conversation. another scene from the fic i wrote beforehand, i think somewhere between finishing chapter two and mulling over the decision to make the fic longer. this was sort of my cathartic, “lets yell at hiroshi for being sucky” moment. a lot of points are brought up here, all of which i believe are valid. it poses the simple, yet ever complicated question of “why?” i’ll get into hiroshi’s response in a later section, but what i’ll highlight about this speech is korra’s statement, “Now, I know that I don’t need to be saying any of this, because Asami can more than hold her own in any conversation, but I am doing this because you are hurting the woman I love, and I will not just let that happen.” its a declaration of love, love that i know is deeper than just romance but also deeper than just friendship. it’s admiration for asami being so strong, admiration for asami being so powerful and smart, korra says more about it in the speech. i tried it make so that korra wasn’t trying to control this situation with asami’s father, but rather, this was korra’s attempt at getting them to try and work something out. korra wants what’s best for asami, she wants her to get everything she wants. korra knows asami wants a better father and the most korra feels she can do is slap hiroshi (with her words) across the face and get him to realize that’s what asami wants.

korra’s third and final speech opens A Good Night’s Rest. we get just a little more about that night, i actually wrote this speech out loud. i just sort of put myself in korra’s place and started talking. my intent with this opening was to give more insight into how korra feels about asami. this is also a call back to the beginning of the chapter, about waking up asami if korra ever needs her. i took this action as a solidifying definition for asami to know “yeah, korra really does love me.” sure, in the last section, korra sort of did say it, but actions still speak louder than words. a lot of this final chapter was just showing how much korra has grown, i think i achieved that.

before we move on, i just wanted to say a lil bit about the bedroom scene where korra asks asami to wait for her. it’s a small confession that i think just says so much. another time here to show that romantic korrasami will happen, but it’s also just insight into korra and her thoughts about romancing asami. she wants it too, so badly that she almost gets into it before she’s ready. did i psych you guys out like asami, who thought she was finally going to kiss korra? it’s all in the lines, “I’m almost there...I know I am, Asami. I’ll be there soon, I need to be better. I need to be better for you.” and now, after thinking about it, i almost wasn’t gonna word it like this. what korra’s saying here is that her progression is only being done so that she can be good for asami, which, i didn’t want to convey. however, sometimes, that’s just how people think; they think, “if i have to do something, i gotta do it for someone else.” and so that’s what i’ve done with korra here, it’s just this mentality that she’s growing out of. it’s okay to have this thought process, good even, but not for every single thing you do. and i wanted korra to know that, which is why i love asami’s response, “I think you’re already great.” it’s just to remind korra, yes you can get better, you will get better. but not for asami, but for yourself, because asami already loves you the way you are.

kuvopal

breadcrumbs; that’s all i’ve really done so far with kuvopal is put lil breadcrumbs everywhere for the people who like the idea of the relationship to grasp at. is that mean of me? maybe, but i really love kuvira and opal as a couple so i wanted to keep hinting and hinting and hopefully getting you readers interested too. kuvopal has been sprinkled in since chapter two and i wanted to leave the readers with just a little ounce of hope

asami’s official introduction with opal heavily involves bolin, enough to the point where the two kiss each other on the cheek. now, of course, after reading the chapter, you know bolin and opal aren’t dating, but i wanted to stress you out a lil bit xD asami is weary of mentioning kuvira, so there’s not much we really get to see about how opal feels. opal may have wanted to talk when asami mentioned kuvira just before korra asked about spring break, but she didn’t. why didn’t she say anything? do you think she’s wanted to talk about kuvira? what about her major, child services and the foster care system, do you think kuvira influenced that, being she essentially was fostered by the beifongs? do you think we’ll ever find answers? *wink*

iroh

so obviously, we don’t like iroh. if there’s anyone in this story who doesn’t get a happy ending or a second chance, it’s him because he’s the worst. i realized we hadn’t seen too much of iroh in the previous chapters and this being the last one, i needed to really show just how not cool iroh is. the soccer game is very clearly an indication of just how conceded and rude he is. after the game, his conversation with asami is bad. he’s being invasive and inconsiderate of asami and he doesn’t care. same with at the restaurant. so, of course i wanted iroh to get his comeuppance and we have that by korra punching him.

going off of this, i didn’t want it to feel like iroh got a one and done kind of deal. he was incredibly awful to asami and his “friends” and i didn’t want this behavior to be taken lightly. so, i chose to make iroh just basically lose everything :) he loses his friends, possibly his job, i just KNOW izumi is disappointed as fuck that he’s acted like this and uncle iroh is rolling over in his grave that someone of his own blood would be like this. i wanted to address iroh in his own category because i just wanted you all to know that he is the only character not getting off easy. i really hope that how iroh’s situation turned out is good, as in, he got what he deserves.

hiroshi

hiroshi was an interesting character to go about in the final chapter. obviously, throughout the fic so far, hiroshi hasn’t been a standout father or boss. if i haven’t said it before, i’ll say it now: i always wanted hiroshi to have a second chance, ie, i wanted hiroshi to try to be better. for one, asami deserves it. she deserves a good parent who’s there for her and isn’t just obsessed with his job and the glory and empire he’s built up for himself. another reason, i believe everyone (within reason, *cough cough* not iroh *cough*) deserves a second chance. at the very least one more try, to be better, and if they’re actively trying, they’re doing better.

so hiroshi gets a bit of a wake up call from not only korra, after she so passionately scolded him in the name of her love for asami, but hiroshi also got one from asami directly. take your pick as to which conversation sparked hiroshi to call her to say goodnight. it’s an effort, and asami even says it herself, that after a while, the juice of it ran out. but kuvira said it too, it’s a start. what im trying to highlight is that no one is perfect and their ways of trying to change themself isn’t going to be perfect either.

and the kicker is hiroshi going to the south, without any other reason than to see asami. hiroshi only ever travels for future industries related business, but here he goes, without kuvira, to the south to see asami. i want to keep highlighting, asami says this is just the start. she hasn’t yet fully forgiven him, but she’s giving him the chance to be forgiven. that’s what i want to make most apparent on the topic of hiroshi and asami’s relationship: hiroshi is not getting off easy. but he’s trying, and in the words of the good place, that is what matters isn’t if people are good or bad, what matters is if they’re trying to be better today than they were yesterday. hiroshi, in this action, coming to the south, is trying to be a better father that day than all the days before. offering up the job offer from tonraq is hiroshi trying to be a better boss that day than the day before. staying in the south to spend real, quality time with his daughter is hiroshi trying to be better that day than every day before that.

it’s all in the trying.

honorable mentions:

in the og timeline, back when korrasami was going to be a confirmed couple in the fic, after returning from the south, asami was going to go to the cafe at one in the morning while korra was working and korra was going to make her an avatar. i liked the full circle aspect at the time but really, i much prefer what i’ve posted over that og timeline.

anything i would’ve wanted to change?

i think, overall, i maybe would’ve wanted to divide chapters up differently. as i continued writing, the three sections definitely could’ve supported themselves as singular chapters. especially this final chapter, which was almost 20k words. but, in the end, i am so proud of this fic and of myself for following through and finishing it.

i lost a bit of steam towards the end of this analysis, i’ve actually had this in my drafts for almost two months. but, i think what i wanted to say, i did, and as always, if you have any comments or questions, or just wanna talk to me, do it ! i love any and all commentary on my writing :))

thanks for reading the analysis if you did x

#ricewrites #earth wind and coffee #coffee shop au #korrasami #korra #asami sato #lok #writing analysis #chapter analysis

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crushzone · 3 years

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Hi Nin! I know this might be weird of me to ask because you are an artist yourself, but I am rather new here and was wondering if you have any other artists you'd recommend? If not that is ok!

Hi there, not weird at all! I LOVE supporting fellow artists, I find their wonderful talent and dedication incredibly inspiring, seeing their beautiful works on my feed constantly reminds me to take a step back from my exhaustion and to simply remember why I love to draw to begin with: because it’s fun.

I’m usually really picky about artists I follow and their style, but when I find the ones that I enjoy, I go ALL OUT with my support. So without further ado, the following artists listed are those I am not only in love with, but those who I genuinely look up to.

So make sure you stop by their page to show them some love and appreciation for their hard work (because hard work extends beyond the individual pieces they’ve made, it’s also for the countless hours they’ve spent on practicing and perfecting their craft, constantly challenging themselves to learn new techniques). 💛

👇🏼👇🏼 Nin’s Artist Recommendation👇🏼👇🏼

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@aku-jumbi - HQ!!, Various, You all had seen me share a BUNCH of their works on my blog, but it’s just because their art is so SOOOOOOOOO good. Your style leans toward photorealism, while still maintaining its painting-like quality, so if you had ever wondered how your favorite characters may look like irl, they’ve got you!!! Watching your speed painting is so fascinating, idk how you do it, but you’re always killing it every time (Like our process is so different, so it was really interesting to see how you approach your works you know?). This piece of Kei Tsukishima and Oikawa Tooru are two of my favorite works you’ve done!

@achieve-the-sun - HQ!!, Various, Let me start off by saying that I love Morghy’s art so much, that they are the first and only person I had ever commissioned from so far. They drew Keishin and I sooo adorably, it brings me so much joy to look at it on the daily. Your style reminds me of freshly baked cookies, or the warmth of bakeries, I can’t help but feel a sense of coziness whenever I look at your adorable artworks. This piece you did of Kageyama and Hinata was what had drawn me to you. Everything from your color choices, fluid gestures, and expressions are such a delight to look at!

@chaotickatts - HQ!! I am so in love with Katts, you all. I had never seen anyone draw like this, her style is really unique. I can go on forever about why I love your art, but one of the biggest things that drew me to your style is the way you draw bodies. I like the variation and realistic details you include, for instance, I absolutely adore the way you gave Sakusa more moles on his body, and the way you drew dad bod Osamu. Idk, I think there’s so many different types of body shapes and details out there, and it brings me joy to see you being so inclusive of them in your art.

@namusw - Hunter x Hunter. Was drawn to their Hunter x Hunter works and I don’t even watch/read that manga. Honestly, just check them out, I love everything about their works, they are also a killer at both traditional and digital styles. This piece of Hisoka, Illumi, and Chrollo was the one that made me fall in love.

@cranbearly - HQ!! I really adore the way they draw expressions and their coloring style (inspired me to attempt some flat coloring). This piece of Oikawa and Iwa made me follow them instantly. Expressions are so difficult to nail, and you’ve done such an amazing job conveying every emotion the characters are feeling, I’ve learned so much just from looking at your works, so thank you for blessing us with your craft.

@a-zebra-was-here - HQ!! Their art has a very carefree type of vibe and their coloring style brings me so much joy. I’ve really enjoyed your drawings of the Miyas’, this piece of the twin was what got me, and this other piece, the first image of young Miyas’ was so SO well done, I am in love with the way you colored that. 😻

@erionmakuo - Various, dude....I want to cry, I don’t even know what to say, EVERY SINGLE PIECE of your artworks just BLOWS ME AWAY. The way you color your art is just so ethereal, the color schemes you had chosen, the way you mix the color of your lighting, textures, and everything in general, I can go on about this all day but just hop on to their blog and you will know exactly what I mean. I don’t have a particular piece that drew me in because I was blessed by all your works at once.

@uranarino - HQ!!, Your artworks bring me so much joy. If I have to describe your style like an experience in life, I would say it reminds me of how it’s like to fall in love with someone for the first time, if that makes sense. That sudden overwhelming feeling you get when you’re doing the most mundane things with someone you care about, only for time to stop as you realize how in love you are with them? Yea, your art captures that really well. These two pieces of Kuroo returning home with his groceries and of him taking a day nap with his cats was what had drawn me to you.

@queenoftheantz - HQ!!, Various, Their style is really unique, it kind of reminds me of an adventurous graphic novel or something you would see on Cartoon Network (idk, I thought of Chowder, but please, I really mean it as a compliment, I just really love the fun cartoon style you have.) They also do some animations! I really love this piece of Kyotani you did, the landscape and colors look SOO GOOD!!

@noodlemanjpg - HQ!!, Various, love LOVE your style and the way you draw expressions. I also really love how you color, your works “appear” effortless, but I know a lot of knowledge and precision is put into crafting it. This piece of Kuroo x Yaku being all cozy at the couch was what had drawn me to your blog, it makes me smile every time I look at it. Kuroo’s smitten expression is just...ahsdl;adjs I can’t help but smile with him.

@diabolism666 - HQ!!, c’mon, you can’t be in the HQ!! fandom without at least seeing one of their artworks. In fact, I had seen your art even before I’ve gotten into this show, and it was love at first sight, lemme tell ya. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. you had drawn are so good, it doesn’t even matter if it’s a more simplistic drawing or elaborate one, I am just always staring at it in awe. Thank you for being so incredibly active about it too, idk how, but you’ve produced so many amazing drawings and we’re just incredibly grateful for it. You draw some of best Tendou, Reon and Toshi out there. Your works have so much range, I really feel like you can draw ANYTHING hahaha.

@viria - Various, Viria *sobs* your works are so good. The way you draw faces and affection just gives me butterflies. I don’t even watch Fullmetal Alchemist, but this piece you did of Edward and Winry made me fall so deeply in love with your works. Your style has a certain softness to it, even when it is of an angry character, and I love it.

@nipuni - Various, another artist that I am incredibly nervous to tag because your works are just out of the world. You also seem so so nice and is always incredibly helpful whenever anyone sends you an ask. Just...I have the biggest crush on you and your works. EVERYTHING you had drawn is so stunning, and I mean it. The details, pose, composition, and coloring, it is just so perfect, I could pull up particular artworks, but I was really blessed by it all at once. If you are into fantasy-esque realistic looking portraits, check her out, she exudes so much knowledge and talent.

@hinamihere - HQ!!, Your artworks are soo stinkin adorable. Your color choices, expressions and the way you draw hair is just so cute, your art always bring the biggest smile to my face. This piece you did of Akaashi and Bokuto was what drew me to you, when I saw it, I “awhhh”ed so loudly, my hubby had to ask me what’s up, and when I showed it to him, he had the same reaction, even if he’d never seen Haikyuu!!

@oxxuri - BNHA, so SO good, the way you color, light, and draw is so beautiful. Every single detail, down to every lashes and strands of hair is so beautiful. You draw some of the most attractive faces I had ever seen, these drawings of Aizawa and Midoriya brings me so SOOOO much joy, and I don’t even know anything about BNHA.

@amezure - HQ!!, their comic strips always make my day, I was giving their blog a peep so I can pull up specific examples and my statement is instantly confirmed when I stumbled across their newest comic art of Kuroo and Bokuto and started laughing HAHA. 😂 Your self study sheets are incredibly informative and I find myself referencing them often, it’s so nice to see my favorite artists continue to polish their craft through endless amounts of studying, practice, and analysis. It serves as a constant reminder for myself to do the same. I love the way you draw people (check out this piece of Bokuto x Akaashi), but I ESPECIALLY love the way you draw animals. (Specifically anything that has to do with lil owl Bo and Akaashi 🥺)

@obobro - Avatar the Last Airbender, HQ!!, I am absolutely in love with the way you color and draw portraits. Your drawing and detailing has so much range; you have a series of hand drawings, and that alone already displays so SO much range. I was really drawn in by this drawing of Tsukki, Zuka + Azula, and of Sokka + Katara, you can really tell they were related and I love it so much. Your art has so much life to it, it’s truly fascinating.

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I have a couple more artists to recommend, so if you’d like a part 2 to this, please lmk.

But yes, I genuinely stand by my recommendations, these guys are so SO good at what they do and I am currently sweating because the thought of tagging all my artist crushes in one post is actually kinda scary lol.

Hope this helps! ✌️

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wallofweird · 4 years

Text

1. Kevison Analysis: Season 4 Episode 18

I’ve decided to write a series of analysis regarding Madison, Kevin, his ‘relationships’ with her, Sophie and Cassidy respectively. I don’t have a specific schedule for them, I’ll release each post whenever I have enough free time and energy to write it because I want to give all of you something really through, like I did with my masterpost about Justin’s and TPTB’s interviews that hinted at Kevison becoming canon.

I also want to remind everyone that some of the stuff I say here is already established as canon, but some is my interpretation of the events that happened on the episode.

That being said, I want to begin by talking about Madison’s first scene. We learn that Madison is pregnant with Kevin’s child (children) and this is her third medical appointment alone. Her OB/GYN, Dr. Eli Mason, asks Madison if there is anyone she could bring along for support.

Madison explains she hasn’t told anyone because she is not close with her family. Madison also shares that confessing her pregnancy to the one good friend she has is not a possibility. Then, Dr. Mason brings up the father of the babies.

She says:

“We barely know each other. Actually, the only thing I definitively know about him is that he comes from a long line of great love stories... And this... This would not be what he wants... There is no way... There is no way he'd want this.”

Dr. Mason replies:

“Little early to give up on him. Huh? You haven’t even given him the chance to be himself yet.”

I absolutely love this piece of advice and find the words the writers chose for this scene really interesting. He could’ve said something like “you’ll never really know unless you talk to him” or “look, I get it, but shouldn’t you make an effort and tell him? You’re already discarding your kids’ father from their lives without even trying. Give it one attempt, do it for your children.”

Instead, he suggests she gives him the chance to be the person he already is. This advice sums up the way basically the world perceives Madison and Kevin, even a little bit of how they see each other. Everyone has this pre-fabricated idea of them as people who have it all together and don’t have actual problems. Or of individuals that are immature, shallow, clingy and are always seeking attention. They are rarely taken seriously, their cheerful nature annoys almost everyone around them and they are usually not seen as people capable of being responsible or deep. Also, most of their issues only get recognition and attention when both reach their lowest point. So, Dr. Mason’s words describes them flawlessly, the way people treat them and also the ideas they have of one another: Kevin has underestimated Madison before and she doesn’t believe he would want to be part of the his children’s lives.

Madison gives him a shy smile

and ultimately decides to follow the doctor’s advice.

Meanwhile, at Kate’s house, Kevin and Randall are arguing over the fact his brother convinced their mother to undergo a clinical trial even though she had previously ruled it out.

Things are escalating pretty quickly and it almost gets physical.

And that’s exactly when Madison shows up. She greets them and apologizes for being late for the party.

Kevin’ explains that it isn’t a good time. That might have come off as rude for some people, but I don’t see it that way. Randall and him were fighting, he was stressed, the atmosphere of the place couldn’t be worse. However, he doesn’t yell at her or looks at Madison with an angry expression, Kevin simply looks tired and overwhelmed, which he is.

She walks in anyway.

“What’s going on? Where is everyone?” Madison asks.

Nevertheless, Kevin lets her in without protesting and he closes the door without slamming it. Kevin simply explains that was what he meant: It wasn’t a good time, there was nobody there and he was in the midst of a feud with his brother (which Madison got to witness a little bit). In fact, I believe there is some kind of intimacy here, in a way that he is rawly honest with her. He was just being trying to say the atmosphere of the place wasn’t festive anymore.

“Kevin, we need to talk and we need to it now before I lose my nerve,” she announces.

“(Exhales) Look. (Exhales) Just, I'm... I'm not sure what we need to talk about, honestly, okay? Uh, look, you were lonely, I get that. I was, uh, heartbroken. And I don't know why we have to relitigate the whole stupid thing. I just... You know, we made a mistake...”

Again, I don’t interpret this moment as Kevin being rude to her. He was having a terrible day and he was arguing with his brother just a few minutes ago. Not to mention that despite having a better approach to the situation, Kevin is still affected by his mother’s diagnosis and worries about her health. The last couple of months weren’t easy for him and that day was only making matters worse.

Besides, Madison herself has expressed regret for sleeping with Kevin and classified their hookup as something stupid too. She even admitted that she was feeling embarrassed by it.

Kevin was disturbed, he wasn’t thinking clearly. If the situation had been different, I’d say he would’ve figured out the reason she was there right away. It had been nearly two months that they had seen one another and apparently they hadn’t spoken ever since. She had a serious look on her face, not a flirtatious one. He would’ve connected the dots. Still, Kevin was overwhelmed, so he wrongly assumed Madison was there just to add to his stress by making a move on him, which would’ve been the last thing he needed at the moment. When people are having a bad day, they tend to think the world is out there to get them. That’s what happened here. Yet, Kevin didn’t raise his voice, expressed anger or anything, he overall just wanted to avoid talking to people, IT WASN’T anything PERSONAL.

On the other hand, Madison doesn’t back down and spills that she’s pregnant.

She continues,

“You’re the father...

It’s the question I would ask,

and...

You are.

I’m sorry,” she murmurs.

Madison adds,

“I know I am a complete stranger to you.

I am just your sister’s friend and...

I honestly know nothing about you other than how much you love your high school girlfriend.

(pauses)

I’ve decided I’m gonna go through with this.”

Kevin is too paralyzed to say anything yet,

but he nods, giving a slight indication that he is supportive of her decision.

“You don’t know my medical history, but this is kind of a miracle for me.

But I need you to know I will not ask anything of you.

Emotionally, financially, all of it.

You can still find the great love story you deserve,” she reassures him.

I absolutely love this part, because Madison is afraid she and the kids could get in the way of Kevin’s dream life, and I doubt it is because she has feelings for him, I believe it might have something to do with her family. Like, maybe they resent her because they’ve never wanted children and she is projecting that idea onto him.

However, you can see Kevin closing his eyes, wrinkling his forehead and shaking his head. As he listens, Kevin seems to be offended, even hurt by the fact Madison would think so little of him and, I dare to say, herself.

His reactions suggest that he finds what she is saying to be a complete absurd.

And he just can’t take any more of it. “Madison,” he interrupts her.

And Caitlin’s performance here is so on wonderful, because Madison is so nervous that she barely has it together. She gasps and almost skips a heartbeat. She seems to be on the verge of losing it.

Nevertheless, Kevin is still unable to say anything. “I think I might pass out,” he admits. “I'm just... I'm gonna...” he rambles as he is about to walk out the room, but Kevin doesn’t feel good about leaving her like that and you can conflict on his face.

“I'm not walking away from this conversation, okay? I just... I need a minute to... I'm sorry. Just... One second,” he explains to her.

I’m very fond of this moment as well, because Kevin has a lot in his mind, not only the pregnancy, but Rebecca’s health condition, the argument with Randall... He needs a few minutes to process what’s just happened. It’s a great example of Kevin emotional intelligence, he knows he needs a moment to assimilate everything because he wants to be as focused and serene as possible when they get back to their conversation and he needs to take a breath for that, but it’s still important to him to reassure Madison that he will definitely come back. He’s basically saying, “look, I’m sorry I’m not in my best state right now. I’m having this horrible day and I need a second because I want to clear my mind before I talk to you, but I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

Madison doesn’t protest

and Kevin guarantees it won’t take long and apologizes one last time with his eyes.

Kevin steps outside and takes a deep breath.

His brother interrupts it.

“Randall, please, I can’t do this right now,” Kevin raises his hand and begs, because he is trying to focus on returning to his conversation with Madison.

Randall doesn’t listen and restarts their fight.

Kevin throws back, but changes his mind and decides to enter the house.

His brother keeps pushing and he ends up coming back.

“You want to do this now, finally, after all these years? Let's do it! You know, this whole narrative that you keep spinning, this narrative that you took care of the family, where the hell did that come from? Huh? 'Cause all I know is, if I had been there, I would've walked through literal fire, and I would've pulled that man out,” Kevin shouts.

Randall adds fuel to the fire, “Well, Kev, I guess we'll never know, because you weren't there. And he died ashamed of you.”

He rubs some of his brother’s deepest wounds, “And I think... I think that's the part that really gets you, isn't it? The shame that he felt for you and the pride that he felt for me? I mean, you're not even chasing dad's shadow, Kevin, you're chasing mine. But you'll never be him and you'll never be me, because you'll never know what it's like to devote yourself to anyone other than yourself. And you'll pretend, but it'll all just be a performance. A tired, stale performance. Like all of your performances.”

And Kevin decides to get back at Randall, “You know, I used to think the worst thing that happened to me was the day that dad died. It's the day they brought you home. Hand to God, Randall, the worst thing that ever happened to me was the day they brought you home.”

They both look miserable. Randall leaves.

Kevin shows to be hurt and remorseful as well.

He spends a few seconds regretting his actions.

And is stopped by his phone ringing.

Kevin reads his uncle message.

He gets back to reality: Madison is still there and he needs to go back inside.

He sighs because he didn’t get to clear his head like he intended to. Instead, he just ended up getting even more disturbed.

Now, Kevin seems to be a little reluctant to talk to Madison, because his brother mentioned of his biggest insecurities: not being able to take care of his mother. And it’s not even the first time something of that nature happens: his sister once mocked the idea of him being a father too. It’s something that he’s really self-conscious about: not being capable of taking care of his loved ones. So, I guess that here Kevin had just entered a self-doubting mode.

Ultimately, he seems to realize Madison just needs him to be there and goes back in anyway.

Kevin enters the room:

The beginning of the sequence was BY FAR my favorite part of the entire episode. I reckon it's very intriguing the way they played everything out: they showed Kevin entering the room and the glances he exchanged with Madison. Which, if you think about it, would normally be a really monotone, not special and weird thing to focus on. However, there is something different about the way the actors deliver the scene, specially Justin, since the camera is primarily on him.

I personally find there to be something really enchanting on scenes that are done with the least amount of elements as possible. I have a special admiration when actors are able to deliver their performances with almost or no makeup at all and no lines or footage.

For example, I love clips where character A is listening to character B on the phone or a tape and you don’t get to see character B, but you are able to feel the emotion and the intensity the scene requires only by the way their voice sounds, the hesitation, the pauses they take and all of that.

And I’m also fond of silent sequences where everything that needs to be said is in the characters’ eyes, the way they move, their gestures and the rhythm of their breath. I LOVE paying attention to all of these little details.

And here Kevin stares at Madison with an amount of sensitiveness, understanding, empathy and softness that he had never given her before. In fact, I might be wrong, but I don’t recall him E-V-E-R looking at someone in such way, much less THAT intensely.

And there seems to be a lit bit of nervousness too.

Which reminds me of a thing Justin said about these two:

“I think if you know Kevin and the way that his mind works and the way that he goes about his business and the way he attacks situations, when he commits to something, he’s all in. (…) Now, things have changed. She’s pregnant with what she says are his twins and with the information that he has, ‘OK, she’s carrying my two children,’ so now everything has changed. Everything looks different, right? What Kevin saw before was this flighty sort of annoying friend of Kate’s. And then it turned into this one moment that they had together where they were sort of sharing in their own misery, right? One was lonely and one was sad and depressed and it was a perfect storm and that’s kind of all it was. (…) And then the unintended consequence of all that is she’s pregnant. So when she says things to him like, ‘This is kind of a miracle’ for me, I think everything changes. He sees her in a different light, obviously. (...)”

And I don’t know if that were scripted or just the actor’s approach (I really wish I could, though, because that sequence was simply brilliant), but it seems that Justin really wanted to incorporate this idea of Kevin seeing Madison in a whole new light.

In a way, it’s like he is seeing her for the very first time.

Kevin is also taking exceptional caution in every single move he makes, even with an action as simple as shutting the door. He closes it smoothly.

And they really focus on Kevin gazing at Madison.

While none of them is saying anything

and he approaches slowly

with just such a gentle look.

There’s literally around T-H-I-R-T-Y freaking SECONDS of this scene just dedicated to these quiet moments before Kevin finally says a word.

He calmly sits down in front of her.

Madison waits for him to say anything.

Yet, he looks away and his face assumes this thoughtful countenance.

Then, Madison stops staring at him and looks down.

It’s only when Madison is not gazing at him anymore that Kevin sets his eyes on her again. There’s just something so pure, fragile and delicate about this entire sequence that I consider really touching.

“I’m so sick of chasing ghosts. I’m tired of doubting myself,” he shares.

There’s also something implicitly significant about this. He is genuinely confiding in her. It’s another example of that raw honesty that Kevin seems to have with Madison and not even to be aware of it. It just looks like he voices his thoughts and feelings so easily with her. They don’t have a lot of scenes together yet, but there are already two substantial clips of them talking. And on both moments, he spontaneously gives her unsolicited information about himself. It’s like Kevin doesn’t feel the need to censor himself around her, it seems like he subconsciously feels comfortable enough with Madison to show his weariness, sadness and overall vulnerability.

And Madison doesn’t seem to be annoyed by the fact he starts pouring his feelings out to her instead of talking about their current situation. She doesn’t turn him away. Madison remains quiet, pays attention and just gives Kevin the opportunity to share whatever he needs and wants.

“I’m all in, Madison. Whatever you need, I am all in,” he promises.

Madison's eyes widen in surprise

and he gives her this very subtle smile.

Kevin continues, “I want this.

And maybe I, I, I didn't think it would b...” He refrains himself from finishing that sentence, because it could’ve given Madison the wrong impression: that he will not love his child (children) the same way he would love them if the pregnancy had been planned and the baby (babies) was (were) a result of wedlock.

Which is most certainly not the case and he lets her know his priority from now on will be his family, not the past.

Kevin glances softly at Madison one more time.

“I wanna be a father,” he murmurs. Again, Kevin is confiding in Madison. He is opening up to her and saying things that he doesn’t have to say nor she has the obligation or necessity to know, but he still shares and she still listens to all of it attentively.

The way Justin delivers this line is so special too. He pronounces it with a low, quiet voice. He shows us that Kevin is venting to her, because that is something he has craved so badly for so long and was almost losing hope of accomplishing.

And Madison gives him a comprehensive and compassionate look, because she gets it. People usually don’t see her as a profound or mature person. Her relationships don’t even get to the point where discussing kids becomes a possibility. The last guy she dated broke up with her because he couldn’t picture them having a future together. Her medical history is complicated as well and the odds of her having children naturally were almost null. She not only understands it, but also has lived all of it through the years.

“I think I’d be great at it,” he tells her.

Kevin just keeps pouring his heart out to her, because a family of his own is something he has really longed to and and for over an entire year he’s been frustrated with the idea of not fulfilling this particular dream, specially since he feels he can do it and just needs the opportunity to prove it to himself and everyone.

By then, Kevin is already talking about it with a dreamy voice and look on his face.

“The love of my life will be my child,” he concludes, reinforcing that he is serious about it.

“Children,” Madison corrects him.

It appears Kevin doesn’t know what to say now: he slightly trembles, but there’s still some kind of exhilaration in his eyes. It’s like he is asking her: wait, are you saying what I think you’re saying? Is this actually happening?

“It’s twins, Kevin!”, she reveals.

There’s something also very special about the way Caitlin delivers her line. Madison says it in a way that is so soft, because she still can’t believe this indeed happening, but there is emotion and enthusiasm too and she pronounces those words in a way that sort of sounds like she is singing. Like something Madison is still getting used to, but she loves repeating to herself and being reminded of.

And Kevin doesn’t know how to respond to that, but you can see his face slowly light up like a child.

There is this pure, dreamy and joyful look in his eyes all over again.

It’s not a large smile just yet, because he also can’t believe that’s actually happening, but Madison is able to read him and she sees in him the mix of surprise, thrill and barely being able to react or say a single word, because that simply sounds too good to be true.

By that moment, Madison is already feeling relieved and comfortable around Kevin and she gives him another smile and shrugs. He doesn’t need to say anything out loud, because Madison understands what that silence means: she has become familiar with that mix of emotions as well. She feels it, she k-n-o-w-s.

PS: Feel free too add your notes, I’d love to know your comments on their scenes from this episode. :)

#kevin pearson #kevison #this is us #what about WHAT YOU GUYS THINK? :)#btw it took me 3 days to put this together so I hope it's good

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inevitably-johnlocked · 5 years

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Let’s talk about The Twist of Good Omens (Pt. 1 of 2).

This is HALF a meta / scene analysis and praise for the actors, and HALF an Ineffable headcanon following the meta, so I hope you’ll bare with me as my brain spews out this shit that’s been going through it all week. It’s gotten really long, so I’m going to split up the meta / analysis and the headcanon into two separate posts because as I was writing this, it was getting long, and I know some people are here for either/or.

Spoilers follow, obviously.

A little known fact about me (or perhaps well known if you’ve been here for a long time) is that I LOVE the body swap / face swap trope. OBSESSED ABOUT IT. Loved it since I was a kid. I think it’s more the psychology of it that interests me (like I also consider “plopping a brain into a robot” part of this trope too, and the ensuing crisis intrigues me... a lot of my old Sonic fanfiction dealt with this type of thing). That and my innate desire to not be me, but I digress. One of my favourite movies ever is Face/Off... not a fantastic movie by any means, but damn if I didn’t obsess about it because of the psychology of it all. I LOVE watching actors pretend they’re the other actor playing their role. It’s amazing to me.

And AS someone who has consumed this trope like life since as long as I’ve consumed media, it probably took me less than a couple minutes to spot the twist ending in Good Omens. I immediately sensed something was off, mainly in their discussion in the park and the mannerisms of the characters when they went to their respective places.

When Aziraphale hesitated on saying “ineffable” before death showed up, THEN Crowley’s hesitation on what Death’s appearance was, and THEN the “tickety-boo” from Crowley, is when something was niggling at me upon first watch of the scene. I wasn’t REALLY certain about my suspicions until C!Aziraphale and Gabriel were talking in the scene immediately following. Azzie was VERY subdued in Heaven, more like he was just trying to buy time or he was bored, when in the past he would... well, essentially not shut up and try to make small talk when he was confronted by the Gabriel or the other Angels.

Instead he looked like a man who was lowkey annoyed and bored of being there, like he’s seen it all before. He didn’t question the demon bringing up the Hellfire. Just placid indifference.

It threw me for a loop, and that’s when I said, “Oh, they switched bodies, didn’t they??”. And it’s upon rewatches that I really REALLY became obsessed with this entire ending scene, because that’s when everything sort of falls into place, and you begin to see the minutiae of Sheen’s and Tennant’s acting in these scenes, and ALL the previous mannerisms from their characters are absorbed into each other’s portrayal of, well, each other. Essentially: “David, play this scene the way Michael would play this scene as if he were pretending to be you shamming the demons.” It’s amazing.

Here’s where I need to fucking praise Sheen and Tennant on their acting, because GODDAMN did they ever get each other’s mannerisms down pat, because upon subsequent rewatches, this is where I’m seeing all the clues about the twist ending that are GLARING, and I AM LIVING FOR IT.

So let’s jump back to the beginning of the scene, where they each return to their respective favourite material things: Upon returning, each character, if they were themselves, would have been OVERJOYED by their material items being back in tact. Azzie loves his books, and Crowley LOVES his car. Instead we just see... indifferent satisfaction that everything was restored? It was odd, but not alarming. You could stock it up to them being tired from the events of the day. It was still red flag one, for me.

Now, I’m not going to point this one out as “red flag two” because I can’t recall at all a time BEFORE this scene if this next thing ever happened, and perhaps someone can let me know if they recall before I get a chance to do my fourth run-through of the series: The flavours of ice cream they each end up eating; it would be a tell if they’re each eating what the other normally does. It would be a neat little clue that they each don’t realize they’re really doing that’s out of character. So... red flag 1.5 I will say until confirmation.

The “tickety boo”, I’m going to label as a Red Flag 2: rewatching the series, we see Azzie uses the phrase when shit’s going tits up. Crowley mocked him for it, but never ever said it other than that one time. On first watch, you just write it off as Crowley picking up Azzie’s phrases, since Crowley says a lot of silly phrases, but upon second watch, you’re like, OH SHIT, wow, it’s totally Azzie, should have seen that.

Then there’s each of them in Heaven and Hell. I already talked about my tip-offs for Azzie, so let’s talk Crowley. A!Crowley was stammering on his speech, in that way that Azzie does when he’s nervous and unsure of himself and he’s trying to formulate his thoughts and understand what is happening. He was SURPRISED about Michael working with the demons, because – even though he saw Beelzebub and Gabriel interact, he had no idea how twisted in their own schemes both sides were. This is uncharacteristic behaviour for Crowley, I think anyway, because he would know that some of the Angels get away with all kinds of shit and STILL never Fall. Azzie... ahh, I love him, but I don’t think he would.

And A!Crowley STOOD like Azzie would... Crowley has this... way he sort of stands still (ie. trying to be cool but he’s really not). He wasn’t doing that at all in this scene. And the fact he was concerned about his clothes getting ruined? Yeah, when has that ever stopped Crowley? It was sort of a sweet thing that this Lovely here pointed out and I only remembered about it when I read this post. Azzie didn’t want Crowley’s brand new coat to get ruined, aww.

Jumping back to C!Aziraphale, still super quiet and indifferent and almost ANNOYED at the proceedings, and not once does he stammer at all. Azzie always stammers (a little more than his usual speech patterns, anyway) when facing the Angels, especially Gabriel, but this is legit the first time he doesn’t. Just smart-arse remarks and a “devil may care” (hur dur) attitude about the proceedings.

I think I was 90% sure about my theory about the twist when the the bathtub scene that follows appears, because it didn’t really make sense to me in my head that the Holy Water WASN’T doing anything. The demons later surmise it’s because they’ve “gone native”, but are they really sure? Hmm. Anyway, this whole scene is HILARIOUS to me upon rewatch, because it’s now Azzie CERTAIN that he can’t be harmed here from the punishment even if he’s wearing Crowley’s face, and he FINALLY lets himself BE his own person. Funny how him seeing through a demon’s eyes is WHY he finally lets go (which, you know, is kind of what happened with Crowley 6000 years before... realized the world wasn’t fair and it wasn’t going to treat him with kindness). He finally understands Crowley, I think, in a way, because of this incident.

Azzie is FINALLY certain and unafraid of being himself. He no longer stammers, and literally strikes fear into the demons in the dorkiest of ways and THEN secures Crowley’s future of being left alone. That tiny little thing there is really sweet and so Azzie.

As for C!Aziraphale, he’s a dramatic bitch in the Hellfire to scare away the Angels. And though it’s not seen, I’m certain Crowley would have guaranteed Azzie’s safety in the same way that Azzie did his... I’m just assuming since it’s alluded to in their final park-bench conversation.

And – segue! – as we switch back to the park bench scene, I think this was when I was, on my first watch, all “yep, they switched”. Look at even just the camera pan-in: they’re sitting on the wrong sides (Crowley has ALWAYS sat to Azzie’s left-hand side), and Azzie is slouching. Azzie NEVER slouches, just as Crowley is never straight-backed and proper when he sits. I absolutely adore Tennant playing a reassuring-Azzie so beautifully, and then the uptick in the intonation of “Anyone looking?” is SO Aziraphale, that if you hadn’t picked up the clues by now, that should have set you off, as well as... why would Aziraphale know if “anyone is looking”? Crowley has ALWAYS been the one who’s able to sense other beings around, and I feel like it’s BECAUSE of his status as a demon that he can do this (as a former angel, it might be a “skill” he retained when he fell, and then gained the skill to sense other demons, so then he would be able to tell if either-or are around, whereas Azzie would only be able to sense love, happiness, and other angels, is my theory).

AHHH And then. AND THEN, Sheen’s impersonation of Tennant’s speech patterns when he says “Right. Swap back then?” and then with the face he makes. It’s ALL Crowley right there. GAWD, perfection.

I love their little interaction after the switch... Azzie is just SO DAMNED PROUD OF HIMSELF, WHAT A PRECIOUS CINNAMON ROLL. And Crowley is enamoured by it all. He VISIBLY sees the change in Azzie, what seeing the world through Crowley’s eyes has done to him. So much so he chances to ask Azzie out, and he FINALLY accepts, no hesitation.

AH. That’s a WHOLE other meta in-of itself.

Next, Part 2, is my head canon for the lead up to this scene. It’s more of a musing than anything else, spawned by a thought I had about why are they able to switch so easily... and how did they know that they could? It won’t be nearly as long as this so I should have it up in a few days when I have a free moment :)

Anyway, I’d love for y’all to add your own thoughts or expand upon mine here if you’ve anything to say!

Cheers everyone, and welcome new people to my blog that my other GO meta may have enticed you to here <3 We’ll see how many meta this show squeezes out of my brain, probably not nearly as much as Johnlock does, but there we are, LOL <3

#good omens #go meta #go final twist #spoilers #go character analysis #go scene analysis #my meta #my thoughts

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whump-it · 4 years

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Callum and Rory; A Meta Analysis on Love and Soulmates.

I want to say a big thank you to @pepperonyscience for helping to sign post me for this one. I was busy talking myself in circles one day about the way in which Callum and Rory love one another when she drew my attention to the seven Greek types of love. It proved to be a very good focal point. I am not an expert at all, so any mistakes are my own and my research probably should have been better. I hope I've not talked myself in circles again. So without further ado may I present Callum and Rory; Soulmates.

@haro-whumps @grizzlie70 @castielamigos-whump-side-blog @comfortforthepain @shameless-whumper @iaminamoodymoodtoday @kawaiiloverofanimu @burtlederp @untilthepainstarts @my-whumpy-little-heart @moose-teeth @pepperonyscience @faewhump @saphemme @slaintetowhump @whump-tr0pes

When Alyaa introduces her future husband to them for the first time he asks her when they leave. “So are they together?” And Alyaa thinks about this for a moment before telling him that “they’re not NOT together. Think of them as all the facets of one person, so much so that they had to spill out into two bodies. They can’t be apart. They exist for each other.”

Rory described it Alyaa during a rather heated exchange when she thought that he might be abusing Callum before she got to really know him. She had plucked up all her courage and left Callum in her apartment and gone to talk to Rory. He tried to explain it to her through a state of utter panic that she was trying to take Callum away from him. He told her that “it was like the universe said ‘hey is this yours? You should have it back’ when he came to donate. Like I have an elastic band attached to me and it’s pulled to almost breaking point. Then Cal appears and it’s relaxed. It’s easy. It’s perfect. I didn’t even know how much it hurt until it didn’t anymore. Then I let him go and all it’s done is hurt ever since. Please don’t take him away again.”

The first type of Greek love is Eros. This is a passionate and sexual love, which doesn’t fit with Callum and Rory at all. Whilst they are head over heels for one another, theirs is a deep and calm river, not the love addled passion that comes from one of Cupids arrows. It’s a slow and sparkling stream, not white water rapids. They don’t experience a sexual form of love or passion for each other. They do hug. They hold one another close, play with each other’s hair. They hold hands and they will kiss. They gravitate around one another like planets, universally in each other’s orbit forever.

The second type is Philia. This can be described as friendship with shared goodwill. They certainly have a wonderful friendship and their goodwill to one another knows no bounds. They both carry a huge amount of regret. They both followed rules for their own deeply personal reasons. It led to problems for them both. They will happily blame themselves all day long but they have NEVER blamed each other for anything that happened. The goodwill means that their friendship has strong elements of companionship, trust and dependability. They are each other’s best companion. Their trust in one another goes to the moon and back. Rory will never let Callum down. Callum will never let Rory down, and that makes them very easy to depend upon. They have everything they need from this friendship. I would also state here that Alyaa, once she gets on good terms with Rory, is also drawn into this type of love with them. The third part of them. Of companionship, trust and dependability.

The third type is Storge, and this is often seen between a parent and a child. Or if a relationship begins with the passion and extreme nature of Eros is can burn itself down to storge. It’s not something that Rory and Callum will experience in their feelings for one another.

The fourth type of love is Agape which constitutes the love that can be felt for nature, for strangers, or for God. I have previously discussed both Callum and Rory’s relationship with God. They both believe in their own ways and it is through the deep love that Callum shares with Rory, and the deep friendship that he has with Alyaa that allows him to lean on Gods love in his own way. Without the love of the people in his life, and thanks to Hayden’s rules and shocking treatment of him, he wouldn’t have been able to access God the way that he can now. And Rory will be able to do the same through watching his Callum grow and develop and change. How he moves into a state of comfort within himself. It changes them both. It reinforces every kind of love that they have for each other, for Alyaa, for nature, for everything. Rory was lonely and sad before he got Callum back. He didn’t realise how much he was just existing instead of living. Now it’s like the ache is gone. The world is technicolour again. Rory always wanted to help others, right from his childhood dreams of being a firefighter right through to his work within the Collection Programme. He just didn’t realise that that was what he was doing. His loss of Callum, and the years of misery that it brought became normal to him, so much so that he stopped noticing. He stopped living and just existed. Now he can give even more back than he ever realised he was capable of. And it’s Callum’s unending love and support for him that has enabled this.

The fifth type is Ludos which is a playful sort of love, often considered to be uncommitted. Rory and Callum definitely develop a playful sense of relationship over time but their commitment to each other is total and unyielding. They do certainly develop the teasing nature of this type of love, although it takes time. Callum is nervous and frightened that he will alienate his soulmate if he pushes him too far, and Rory is afraid of upsetting Callum. So they grow together. And it works, as evidenced in one of Callum’s favourite pranks on Rory. When Rory is working in his office Callum likes to sneak up behind him and silently tap the lever that makes his office chair drop right down. Rory gets his own back one day with the use of a water gun and a strategically placed mirror. Ludos often descends into sexual activity, but again, this part of this type of love is rejected by both Callum and Rory. Not through any discussion or forethought, but just naturally this is how their relationship works and develops.

The sixth type is Pragma, which is almost business-like in its love. The relationship works to achieve shared goals, or out of duty. Callum and Rory’s relationship is in opposition to this though as they share a deep and abiding sense of love. Not a sense of duty to be together out of what they went through with the Collection Programme. They are together despite it, not because of it.

The seventh and final type is Philautia which focusses on self-love. A sense of high self-esteem is considered to be a healthy form of Philautia. Hayden, however, had hubris, the unhealthy form of it. He placed himself above all authorities and even God. He played at being in charge. Master of all he surveyed. Together, both Callum and Rory can work to bolster one another’s self-esteem which gives them certainty in each other. They know beyond any doubt that they are committed entirely to each other. Neither of them is going anywhere. And as such they can immerse themselves in projects and in friendships with other people fearlessly. It makes them into the best versions of themselves. They don’t require the props that Hayden did in order to feel good about themselves because the love that they share does this for them without needing any external crutches. It takes time to reach this point because of everything that has damaged them in the past, but together they can reach a point in their lives where they don’t have to fear setbacks when they happen. They are strong and resilient people.

Callum and Rory are soulmates. They really do exist for each other.

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ks-caster · 4 years

Text

Letters to Gabriel

Fandom: Heroes

Characters: Elle, Gabriel

Notes: Throughout her arc, Elle develops a coping mechanism where she writes letters to Gabriel - even though she’s often betraying or being betrayed by him, somehow writing her thoughts to him helps.

Gabriel and Peter are going through old Pinehurst files, and Gabe finds a manila envelope full of these letters - she kept them, and they were archived.

Letters 1 and 2, as well as the rest of the outline, are available under the cut.

Chapter 1:

Dear Gabriel,

They didn’t tell me how cute you were.

Or how depressed.

It was just supposed to be a simple meet ‘n’ greet assignment; I go in, say hello, plug my name into the back of your head for when it’s needed later, and then walk off the face of the earth until next time.

Well, you know that’s not how it happened.

My hands are shaking. This has been the craziest afternoon. And now here I am, sitting in a corner of an unused office, writing a letter that I can never send, to a guy I barely know. I’m not good at dealing with stress and fear and uncertainty… all those uncomfortable, nagging emotions that no one—at least in my line of work—ever has. Or at least, they don’t admit to them.

My father has told me all my life that I’m supposed to be stronger, smarter, better. I can’t stoop to being mediocre in anything, and God forbid I should be below-average. So I can’t be worried, not in front of anyone. I can’t be shocked and disturbed that I almost walked in on your dead body. That’s why I’m scribbling my thoughts to a complete stranger on a memo pad I found—okay, stole from—beside Bennett’s phone. I’ve gotta do something, so maybe this will help me calm down before I break down into a nervous wreck.

After I left your shop, Bennett told me that we’re not just observing you because you have a power. We’re waiting for you to kill someone. Bennett said that we needed to see you hunt “in the wild,” because transferring power from one vessel to another is extremely rare. But I’m guessing that the homemade noose—a sturdy thing; I can’t believe that you actually bought it when I said it broke on its own—might just be an indicator that you’re not interested in killing anymore. Maybe what you did before was a fluke. Maybe we’re wrong in our analysis. Maybe we’re totally off-base, and you didn’t kill the guy at all.

But then, why would you try to hang yourself?

Okay, so you probably did murder him. But, well, I’m an agent—if a junior one—and I’ve killed loads of people. You offed one guy… It’s hard for me to remember that kind of… of innocence. I have to go pretty far back. Actually, I don’t even remember the first person I killed, so I have trouble understanding what the big deal is. But it’s sort of sad, still. You seem like an all-around decent guy who made a mistake that can’t ever be fixed.

And you said I was like an angel. When you looked at me, your eyes were so full of light. I’m a manipulative, violent, compassionless bitch, who dreams of becoming a good enough femme fatale to impress her high-standards father. But when you finally got around to figuring out that I was there, when you asked me for my name, when you said I was like an angel… nobody’s ever looked at me like that. Certainly no one’s ever asked for forgiveness from me. More importantly, I was never the kind of person who would ever even consider giving forgiveness if it was asked.

Your face, the way you saw me, what you said… I liked it. It was like I was actually a nice person, for the first time in, well, ever.

Even though it’ll be pretty bad luck for you, I look forward to seeing you again. I want to see your face, and see you look at me like I’m an angel.

I want the excuse to act like I’m an angel again.

Until next time,

Elle.

The letter was written on lined notepad paper with the Primatech logo in the bottom right-hand corner of each mini-sheet. It had been folded several different ways, and also torn in half—all at once, by the slant—and carefully repaired with scotch tape.

Behind him the lock on the door rattled as a key was inserted, and Gabriel took a deep breath and then slid the whole stack of papers back into the envelope, closed it, and hid it inside of his shirt. After spending several virtual years alone with Peter in the dreary loneliness of his mind, Gabriel didn’t keep too many secrets from his friend. But this… until he’d read the whole thing, he wanted it to be just his. Not so much secret as personal, he decided, and that was okay. He was entitled to a little privacy.

Chapter 2:

Elle’s second letter was written on the backs of old calendar pages. On one side of each piece of paper a month was divided into little squares for each date, and on the other side her simple, slanted script filled the entire page with dark blue ink.

Gabriel had taken the big manila envelope back to the hotel room he was sharing with Peter, and had laid the stack out neatly on the desk, in the order they had been in originally. He resisted the urge to look ahead; he had all the letters, so he might as well read them in the order in which they were written. Besides, this might be the only record left of Elle Bishop’s life, thanks to the efficiency of people like Bennett who wouldn’t want dead agents to leave a paper trail. Out of respect for her, he decided, he would read the letters in order, leaving the memory stick for last, since she clearly wasn’t very high-tech in the beginning.

Dear Gabriel, the second letter began.

Hey, it’s me again. You know, I’ve never actually had peach pie before; it was good.

Being with you… was good.

From the moment I stepped through the door, I was walking on air. I was expecting the “angel look” again, but the whole night, I got something better, something I never knew I’d ever want. You looked at me like I was… me. Not “Agent Bishop,” not the Director’s-Creepy-Twisted-Protégé-Daughter, just me, and no one else. All evening, I was just “Elle.” And it was wonderful.

You said you fought with a hunger for more abilities, that you had wanted to be “more special,” and that now you think it’s okay to be ordinary. But oh, Gabriel, you’ll never be ordinary. No one ordinary could ever make me—me!—feel so calm, so complete, so at-home.

Gabriel, I don’t care how corny that romantically-retarded Bennett said it was. I stand by what I said: you are special just the way you are.

And some tiny corner of my brain, the part of me that still has enough human left in it to care, is utterly repulsed and terrified by what I’m about to do to you.

I tried—well, okay; my attempt was lame and went nowhere. I bucked at the reins a little, that’s a better way of putting it. I told Bennett after I left that I thought your suicide attempt was a wake-up call; that I didn’t think you’d kill again if left to your own devices. I even said I refused to turn you into a monster.

But then he reminded me that if I didn’t follow orders, I wasn’t an agent, and if I wasn’t an agent, I couldn’t stay with the company. I’ve been trained—as Bennett reminded me—since I was four years old, by my father, who believed in me, who supported me, who groomed me to be the best and brightest. If I’m not with the company, then… where am I supposed to go?

He’s my dad. He’s put so much effort into raising me. I can’t betray him.

Not even for someone who makes me feel as… as right as you do.

I gotta stop writing you letters, seriously. I have the one from the day we met stashed in the bottom of my jewelry box—dunno why I kept that one—but there have been others, just notes, really, scribbled on napkins or post-its. Like I said in the first one, I don’t really know what to do when something’s wrong, you know, in my head. Whenever I’m upset or hurting or just surprised about something, I always “tell you,” even though I’m not actually sending you, the real live Gabriel, any of these letters. It became a habit practically over the night, and it’s sticking like a leech. I’ve tried keeping a journal instead, but it just doesn’t work.

Because when I write, I think about what you might look like reading it. I imagine your face, your eyes, how you might look at me, and tell me it’s okay to be ordinary, that I don’t have to be special either.

But if everything goes as planned with our date-night next Saturday, then… Well, it’s just really, really stupid and probably unhealthy for me to keep doing this. I’d never live it down if someone found these. So this will be my last letter to you, Gabriel.

I really wish there was something I could do to save you from me.

Elle

It wasn’t the last letter, clearly. The stack below it on the desk had to contain at least four or five more.

Gabriel stood up and strode to the window, pulling on the thin chain to make the horizontal blinds rotate open. He stared down at the parking lot below, needing a moment to breathe before continuing. So, even beforehand she knew that what she was doing was cruel and terrible.

Turning quickly on his heel, Gabriel stalked back to the desk, sat himself down, and picked up the third letter. Delaying the inevitable was just another kind of slow torture.

Part of Chapter 3:

What have I done?

Elle’s third letter, written in black pen on plain unlined copier paper, began without any introduction.

What have I done? She wrote, the script perfect and even, like that thought had consumed her long enough for her to write it out neatly before she could continue. The rest of the letter was barely legible—her hands must have been shaking terribly, or else she’d written it in a moving vehicle. Probably the former, Gabriel thought as he carefully deciphered the wobbly handwriting.

What have I done? Oh Gabriel, what have I done to you?

I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! Gabriel, you can’t imagine how sorry I am—or perhaps you can. You tried to kill yourself, after all, when you murdered that man, and now I’ve destroyed you, and there’s a razor-blade on the desk by my elbow still wet with my blood. Some people say that cutting helps when you feel like this, but it didn’t help me at all.

Nothing can help me right now; not even writing this. The thing I do to keep myself sane now hinges on someone whose sanity I shattered. Irony is cruel…

Even killing myself—yes, I thought about that—wouldn’t help. It wouldn’t change anything, it wouldn’t undo anything. So here I sit, bandages wrapped around my bleeding arm, writing yet another letter I can never send, to a man to whom I really do owe these words. I’m so sorry.

And you didn’t kill me.

You told me to get out—to run away before you hurt me. Even in that state, even in the frenzy I pushed you into, you had a strong enough heart to try and save me.

The paper was badly water-damaged; from tears, Gabriel assumed. These obscured the writing so badly that for several paragraphs, only a few scattered words were readable.

Twenty-two years of my life, the letter continued after the worst of the damage, and I’ve never had anyone look at me like you did—in the clock shop like I was an angel, and in your apartment like I was just Elle. You made me feel like I could actually be that way; not Agent Bishop, but just myself.

The next sentence was crossed out, and Gabriel had to focus carefully to make out the words. Even my father never looks at me that way, she’d said, and then deleted as best she could.

But I can’t undo what I’ve done. I can’t unmake the monster I created. No matter how much I wish I’d been brave enough or good enough to say “no” at the time, I can’t change the past. I hate myself, and I think I always will. I hope I do. If I brush this feeling under the rug, if I forget how horrible this was, how horrible I was… then what will I become? It must have taken a demon to raise a demon.

She post-scripts more about how much of a coward she is: she doesn’t type it because she doesn’t want any chance that a record of her emotional slip-up will reach Bennett or her father. When Gabriel finds it, it has been torn in half and then carefully repaired with scotch tape.

Outline:

Chapter 3: Elle’s third “letter” is a long rambling apology, dated the same day she manipulated him into killing Trevor. That night she went home and was so full of self-loathing that she didn’t know what to do. She tried to let it out by cutting herself, but it didn’t help; she wasn’t changing anything, and even suicide wouldn’t change what she’d done to him. So she patched herself up and decided to write him a letter—a letter that she knew even then that she could never actually send—telling him how incredibly stupid and guilty and sorry, sorry, sorry she was. Twenty-two years of life, and she’d never had anyone look at her like he did that day in the clock shop; first with eyes full of tears, then with wonder, like she was an angel, and then that day when they’d had pie in his apartment, like she was just Elle. Not agent Bishop, not some made-up character, but Elle, just herself. Even her father didn’t ever look at her that way. (Perhaps that bit is crossed out?) But she can’t undo what she’s done, no matter how much she wishes she’d been brave enough to say no at the time. The letter is written in shaky handwriting on pieces of unlined blank printer paper. She post-scripts more about how much of a coward she is: she doesn’t type it because she doesn’t want any chance that a record of her emotional slip-up will reach Bennett or her father. When Gabriel finds it, it has been torn in half and then carefully repaired with scotch tape.

Chapter 4: Elle’s fourth letter is written—still by hand—a little more neatly on lined, three-ring-punched paper. It has also been torn and repaired. This one is dated several months after the first, and she talks about how she has Peter in custody, and how she’s read the new files on Sylar, and can’t help but wonder if he’s happier that way, with no inhibitions or conscience. But then she records a conversation she had with Dr. Suresh, and Mohinder tells her about how he found the words “Forgive me!” scrawled in blood on the wall of Gabriel’s apartment before the evidence was removed. Now Elle is conflicted. She wants to be a good daughter and a good agent, but she’s having problems with her father. Her father is concerned about the problem Sylar poses, and she’s afraid that she is being blamed for his actions, even though she was following orders when she created him. That’s why she writes another letter—not to Sylar, but to her friend Gabriel, the sweet single guy whose oddities made him easy to talk to, like he would understand her problems because she wasn’t any stranger than he was. But then she reflects on how she destroyed that part of him, and she can never forgive herself.

Chapter 5: Elle’s fifth letter is a rant, written so hard on the paper that it is torn in places and grooved in others. It is on paper torn out of a notebook, and the only tape repairs are where she tore it from writing too hard. She starts off by calling him every bad name she can think of in all capitals, then calms down enough to record that she tore up her two previous letters, and then thought better of it and fixed them, because writing these was helping her keep her head on straight. She goes on to say all the horrible punishments she’d like to inflict on him, and then says how scared she is. Scared because she created an even worse monster than she ever expected, scared because without her father to guide her she has no idea what she’s supposed to do, scared because there’s relief mixed in; she finally doesn’t have to try so hard to impress him. She’s so confused, and even though she hates him, writing a letter to the old him seemed like it might help.

Chapter 6: Elle’s sixth letter is written shakily again, and hasn’t been ripped, though several parts of the page were burned off and re-written on clean paper, which was then taped to the bottom so that the whole thing is readable. She admits how much pain she is in, and how lost she is, and how she is going to Bennet—the man who pressured her into turning Gabriel into the monster who killed her father—for help, because he was the man with the plan; the one with all the answers. She feels a dull, routine sort of hatred for him, but she is so confused and hurt and lost that she doesn’t really know how she feels about anyone anymore. She had even started to blame her dearly departed father for turning her into what she is, but she feels that that’s disrespecting him in death and… She feels that she shouldn’t need the man who murdered her father. She shouldn’t need anyone; she’s supposed to be strong. But she needs him. Writing to him is the only thing keeping her sane. And maybe that simple fact just goes to prove how truly crazy she really is.

Chapter 7: Elle’s seventh letter is written on burned and repaired paper just like her sixth, from sitting on a plane with Claire Bennet, of all people, on her way to some mystery company to get help. She describes again how the lightning is building up inside of her and making her sick, and how she barely dares to hope that this new company will be able to help her. She’s vacillating wildly between hating him and wanting to kill him and almost wishing he were here—the old Gabriel—so that she could talk to him, and have him look at her like that one more time, like she was just Elle and nothing else. The fact that he could feel remorse for what he had done—when he tried to hang himself—the fact that he could try to change, to go straight… The old Gabriel had sort of inspired her to be better. But it wasn’t enough, apparently. She still didn’t have the guts to take his side against the schemes of the Company.

Chapter 8: Elle’s eighth letter is typed, and in perfect condition. There’s nobody to fear reading it, really, although she does admit to deleting it from the system after she prints it. She says, “Hey Gabriel, what do you know, I’m writing another letter that I’ll never give you, and you’re asleep in the next room over. This is ironic.” She goes on to say how grateful she is for everything he did. Even though he claimed she did it on her own, she says she never would’ve thought it was okay to forgive herself if someone else hadn’t done it first. She says that the things he’s done only allow him to see the good in others better, because he knows what it’s like to be drowning in his own darkness. She admits concern over the Arthur Petrelli situation, but she chooses not to tell him the truth just yet. She says she intends to, but right now he’s so new to the idea that he has a choice about who he is and how he lives. She believes that he’s not destined to become his parents, but she’s not so sure he’ll believe it yet, so as twisted and evil as Arthur is, she lets Gabriel believe he is his father for now, because if he finds out what Sampson Gray is like, she’s afraid he’ll go right back to how he was. She concludes by saying that she believes he has to power to change, and that Arthur may be using him, but he’s also helping him whether he intends to or not. She plans to stick close and help him break away from his pseudo-family, and then tell him the truth when she thinks the time is right. Then she ends by saying, “look at me, acting all mature and knowing, like I think I’m a seer or something. You’re important to me, Gabriel, and I’ll do anything in my power to undo the wrong I did you, even if I have to lie to you for now.” –This would end the cannon drabbles, because Elle literally dies the next day, and Gabriel is confused when he finds a memory stick also in the envelope.

Chapter 9: This one’s a video letter from Gabriel himself; the Gabe of the future. In it, he details out how time would’ve progressed, and talks about his life with Elle—now Elle Gray—and his son, Noah. (The video shows him holding up a picture of their family.) He talks about how Elle’s power started maturing, and she’s a lot more than she seems. She told him that the future would end; that their lives together wouldn’t last, but he said he didn’t care. He wanted her here and now, even if it wouldn’t be forever, because he loved her. A few weeks ago, she started to seem distant and preoccupied, and she finally ‘fessed up that the end of the future was coming soon. She said that she would use the last of her power as she faded to make sure that their son had a chance to survive. He couldn’t time-travel, but he asked her to put this with her letter collection, so that the Gabriel—the Sylar—of the past would find it and know that even though this particular future was gone, the chance for a life without hands covered in blood was still there if he had what it took to follow it. –Gabriel finishes this video in confusion. There’s also a file on the stick, a typed letter from Elle-of-the-Future.

Chapter 10: Elle-of-the-Future writes and explains how she “caught” past-Elle before she made it to that beach, swapped clothes, put on the bloody bandage, and hid her away in another country before taking her place. Since the future—and her existence with it—was disappearing, she would’ve literally faded and vanished if he hadn’t killed her, and she’s still alive, in the past, and pregnant with their son. She says that her vision isn’t nearly as specific as that of the person who initially explained all this to her, and she doesn’t know where his head will be when he reads this, so for their child’s safety she doesn’t say where Elle is. She does say that she loves him, and still believes in him.

Chapter 11-etc…: Meanwhile, Elle—hidden in another country—still writes letters to Gabriel whenever she needs to clear her head. She writes about what happened between her and Elle-of-the-Future, and also writes one when she figures out that she’s pregnant—and it’s gotta be his. She writes about how—on that last, craziest day of her life—she was terrified, but sort of exhilarated, because she knew she’d have to rely on him more, to protect her.

She writes about how Claire’s media revelation has forced her to keep herself very carefully in check. She has the baby, writes about it, about how much issue she had with her powers maturing while she was pregnant, and how she was afraid to use them at all until the baby was born.

She writes at length about labor—she has Noah in a wrecked buss, or some such violent scene. Afterward she lets loose a stunning, frightening display of power that has been held in check for far too long. This reveals her true nature to (bad guys/media) and she has to go on the run. Rebel helps her—she leaves his true identity out just in case some random person ever reads it, to Gabriel’s great amusement when he finally reads it.

Elle ends up working with kids like Rebel and Molly—and a few OC’s—to help other Empowered in need, and once she’s set up in a house, the kids all live there, so she’s part partner, part mom. She writes to him about how she’s not just a mother to her own child, she’s got a group of grade-and-middle-schoolers sleeping on her couches.

Also she writes all her thoughts about Noah’s name. She wants an angel’s name, because with all the exposure it’s not safe to call him Gray. She thinks about Michael, but it’s too much like Micah, who lives with her, and she doesn’t want it to get confusing. (She doesn’t get a chance to name her son until a while after he is born, due to running for their lives.) In the end, she chooses Noah, because Noah was a survivor, and she thought that if there was any sort of fate attached to a name, she wanted one that came with protection. It didn’t occur to her until later—and another letter—that Bennet’s first name was Noah. Oops, oh well. Maybe Noah Grayson Bishop will be a better Noah than Noah Bennet.

Her letters conclude with some confessions about how much she still misses him, and how she’s so dependent on her memory of him, and wants him for real. Then she says how she can be totally honest here because no one will ever read these, and how even now she doesn’t have the guts to send them, even though she learned through Molly—whose power matured, making her basically omniscient—that he was reformed now and safe to have around baby Noah. She also admits that she’s frightened, because her power is maturing as well, and her body is changing into she doesn’t really know what.

At this point, Molly decides to send the entire package to Gabriel. She writes him a letter as well, explaining that she can’t like him—because of what he did to her parents—but she can’t hate him either, because of what she’s seen of his life and the way he has been changed. She reflects that she doesn’t really have the capacity for hatred anymore, because she knows everything about people, and can’t help but sympathize at least a little. She finishes by saying please don’t tell anyone that she sent the letters, because word might get back to Mohinder, and he wouldn’t understand.

Then Gabriel writes back. In the penultimate chapter, he says he needs to explain, to apologize, and that he’s been thinking about her and missing her too. He says he wants to meet.

In the epilogue, Gabriel enters a restaurant—or wherever—and sees the back of Elle’s head. He is overcome by nerves. She may not have been present as such, but his last memory of her is killing her. He is afraid to approach; his foot won’t move forward anymore. Then Elle lifts up Noah, and he looks Gabriel straight in the eye. It’s a baby’s face, but somehow it says, “Well dad, what are you waiting for? Get over here.” He smiles, and takes the next step towards the booth.

Down comes the curtain, have a nice day readers!

#Beth's New Year's Cleaning Queue #free to a good home #any and all parts available for general use with credit #heroes #heroes fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction ideas #writing #writing ideas #First two chapters written plus an outline

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