I have found people in my life that I never want to lose again. But so often it feels like I could lose them at any second. It tears me apart.
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Greyscale
Grey February · Zurich 2024
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It's a paradox. I feel like I'm too much and not enough at the same time. Many of us had narcissistic or absent parents. If we were abused by the people who were ment to take care of us, how can we ever trust again?
I want to learn how to love without fear but instead, I kill relationships before they really start. I've manipulated people and I've filled them with guilt, just to make them stay. My life is full of contradictions. I'm scared that the people I've opened up to I trust and loved, will leave all of a sudden, without any explanation. I want them to understand and help me while at the same time, I think I deserve to be alone. I want you to stay, but I'll tell you, you should leave. I'm too damaged and fucked up for you to waste your time on me.
I'll look for signs of oncoming abandonment in your tiniest gestures, so that I can leave before you do. I'll close the door for you, but gently open the window, because I'm hoping you'll try and squeak through it, just to prove you care.
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The feeling of abandonment is scary. You realise how much that person is important in your life.
-filmythings
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creek i played in when i was a kid
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The Menu · Duisburg · 2018
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