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yoonieper · 8 months

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Pecattiphilia— Part 6 | PJM

Pecattiphilia is the sexual arousal from performing an act one believes is a sin.

✽ Pairing: Jimin x Reader

✽ Genre: Angel Au, angst, fluff, smut (yep, we’re here now!), this is a slow burn (kinda?)!

✽ Rated: M for Mine

✽ Series Warnings: This series will include discussion of religious aspects such as the afterlife and concepts of heaven and hell (There are no direct ties to any specific religion besides the mention of angels and demons— all aspects of religion was created by me for this series), this series includes a lot of violence (sometimes graphic depictions) and gore (nothing extreme, Jimin and the boys fight monsters sometimes), and mentions of sin (particularly revolving around sexual topics)

✽ Chapter Specific Warnings: jealous Mimi, Mimi’s going through a bit of a crisis, drama!, smutty elements– making out, grinding, etc~ green flag chapter!

✽ Word Count: 12.5k

✽ Summary: Jimin is sent to watch over you and as the years go by he gets more and more curious and sometimes just wishes he could get to know you. But he knows that’s forbidden, it's sin. However, a freak accident somehow causes Jimin and your eyes to meet for the first time with purpose. He knows it shouldn’t happen but he doesn’t want to break away. He wants you to look at him, wants you to touch him, wants you to be with him. The problem is none of this should have happened in the first place… what’s happening to him?

✽ Now Playing…: We Go Down Together by Dove Cameron & Khalid, The Girl is Mine by Michael Jackson (with Paul McCartney), ALL MINE by Brent Faiyaz— visit the masterlist for the full playlist!

✽ Author’s Note: Eeee already, the two parts I hoped to get done this year! Now I also hope to post part 7 this year! It’s already started and I have it all planned out and should be a shorter chapter than these last two~ I’ll let you know more info later on in the year, but hopefully it comes out soon because I hate to have a big gap from where this leaves off 😭 Hope to be back soon guys AND hopefully I’ll finally make the Spotify Playlist before the next part comes out! Also if you see any mistakes this was a tiny bit rushed so I will be coming back and fixing whatever I missed! Anyway, enjoy~

No reposting, modifying. Translating is not allowed unless given explicit permission. Thank you so much :D

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Human vs Angel.

It was a battle that relentlessly raged on with an alarming ferocity in his mind. The damage at this point was catastrophic, no clear winner, only bloodshed and more to come on the horizon.

Human or Angel? Who was he?

It’s not like Jimin or any P2 angel could remember what their experience was like as a human, yet they still weren’t seen as entirely angels either.

That’s because they weren’t.

They still had wants, desires, cravings, needs, and they even maintained the vessel that once contained their souls. Their souls were long gone, now replaced with the angelic light that gave them the power to fight against sin, but that still wasn’t enough. Something that forever confused Jimin was why they still bleed— all higher up angels didn’t bleed, why did they need to? It was messy, unnecessary, red, too human for exalted beings like them.

From the very moment they opened their eyes there was this immediate barrier preventing them from being like the other higher up angels. They sometimes certainly didn’t see them as such— they were impure, sinful, depraved, degenerative creatures who would be better off joining the cycle then working with them.

It was a bit of a shock at first hearing this when their team was first allowed to wander through the winding halls of H.E.A.V.E.N. Celine and Atara had tried to warn them of the higher up angels, yet during their lessons it was hard not to admire them.

Their capabilities were beyond anything they could ever do and they had every right to have the very air they flew through worshiped. Maybe that was why Jimin and the rest of his team were a little too optimistic when Celine and Atara gave them the tour and some would pass by.

They heard the comments— Taehyung had even tried to go up to one in his excitement and was immediately met with the repercussions he deserved.

This first encounter was all it took for their team to want to put as much distance as they could from their human past— a past they couldn’t remember, but resented because they truly took the higher ups' words to heart.

And that proved to be successful.

Their numbers topped many of the leaderboards, the less human they were the better they did— the more they truly helped the goal of maintaining the balance of the universe.

However no matter how well they did they would never be truly an angel. To be so pure and in control to the point where weapons weren’t necessary, a single glance at a sinful creature was enough to vanquish the being from existence.

Namjoon was rare in the sense he was one of the few P2 angels that had gotten the chance to experience something similar. However he still needed the bandages wrapped tightly around his hands to prevent him accidentally blasting a hole through spacetime, doing far more damage than just demon blood on his hands.

He was respected a little more than the rest, but there was always this wall that even he could never cross.

Not entirely human yet they certainly weren’t people. No one could remember what it was like to have a soul anymore.

They were too “human” to be an angel but too powerful and glacial to have that same passion that humans live with.

It was confusing and while Jimin never truly felt like a real angel the gap felt even wider when he was around you. The reason was simple, Jimin would never be able to feel as much as a human could. He was and forever would be detached from the human experience.

That much was just a fact.

He would be called emotionless in comparison, a husk of the vibrant soul that once inhabited this vessel, built solely for the purpose of vanquishing sin from this world. All emotions besides the blissful sensation of purifying his enemies was practically reduced to nothing.

That was how it was supposed to be at least.

With each day you’ve been in his life, it was like a distant memory was returning to him. Never clear enough to fully remember, but the warmth that bathed him whenever he was in your presence was oddly familiar. You’ve given him the opportunity to feel more than he thought he was capable of anymore.

It was a little confusing to navigate through, but you were there to ground him and despite his growing concerns at least he was here with you.

With you this beautiful orchestra of emotions would sing anytime he’d just gaze upon your beauty. You were honestly beyond words, your enchanting presence was enough to rival the angels he worked with. It was mind boggling that you were human.

But as much as Jimin just wanted to ignore the obvious, that more sensible half made sure he never forgot.

He couldn’t even if he wanted to, but that created this strange fire that burned brighter, hotter, and more violent with each and every one of your meetings.

The emotion that seemed to dominate his mind anytime he was with you these days was this searing, unexplainable antipathy— or better put— the closest thing he could experience to it.

Jimin hated you with every fiber of his being and you were completely unaware.

It was obvious as the weeks passed by he needed to talk to you. He honestly had no right to hate you, the issues being completely unestablished to you and there was no way you could have known, but that didn’t matter. Jimin still found this confusing flame growing hotter and hotter and it just got worse each time you’d meet in your dreams.

You didn’t do anything wrong, you still thought he didn’t even exist so of course you would never think anything of it.

You were more so caught in the crossfire of his frustration with himself. He thought he was stronger, but time and time again you proved to be the one human who could bring a superior being like himself down to his knees. It was always so easy for you, you weren’t even aware you were doing it.

Jimin’s tried so hard to make this work.

He saw you every night and he’d always try to plan these elaborate dates to distract his troubled mind. They worked most of the time and proved to be fun just having you by his side. But that didn't completely stop the days you’d stay and relax underneath the big tree you first met under, which was oftentime a request made by you to just talk and admire the clouds passing overhead, but Jimin tried his best to avoid dates that were so casual because they usually never ended well anymore…

Were things different now because you were together? He didn’t know what changed but instead of the tranquil moments where you’d gaze upon the setting sun, Jimin practically had his tongue down your throat every time he’d see you.

One minute you were discussing the most obscene thing ever, mole science it happened to be that time. You had sat up so you could be closer to his face while you examined every dot across his skin and attached this arbitrary symbolic meaning behind their placements. It honestly didn’t make any sense to him, but you were so pretty and cute as you gently poked the dots and explained what each and every one meant.

You must have noticed he was confused because suddenly after you explained what the one on his cheek meant, you leaned down and kissed it. He was left giggling like a schoolgirl when you pulled away, the tingles, butterflies, he just felt so whole in that moment. The cute instance was short lived because the next one you went for just so happened to be on his neck (something that may or may not was on purpose), in a spot he quickly learned was so fucking sensitive the minute your lips met his skin.

He couldn’t even describe what came over him. It was this rush that flowed through his body to pull you close because how were you real and how were you his? You both had been laying on the picnic blanket but suddenly you were on your back staring up at him with those eyes he couldn’t help but get lost in.

All he wanted to do was kiss you, he felt like he had to in the moment, but once your lips were on his the harder it became to pull away. How could he?

The way you made him feel was so complicated, he honestly didn't have words but this fuzzy feeling mixed with just this innate, carnal desire he knew was a vestigial emotion from when he was still human. It was overwhelming almost, the need to have you, to claim you.

It proved to be one of the most revolving yet exhilarating experiences everytime that rush would hit. Your touch, your lips, your body, he just couldn’t get enough.

And each time it was getting harder to stop, to remember it was sin and that promise he made to his team that he absolutely couldn't, under any circumstances, break.

It was so pathetic, he was horrified every time he’d come out of your mind and back to the reality he faces.

What was he doing?

This road was a path filled with sin and he was still choosing to go down it?

What was wrong with him?!

Jimin wanted to have more faith in himself, that this was just the ‘honeymoon’ phase of your relationship and things would settle down eventually, but as the weeks passed it was just getting harder and harder to stop himself.

As much as he loved to pull you close anytime you were near, it was impossible to deny he wanted you closer. He wanted to feel you, touch you, love you in a way he knew how to.

You’d manage to stir awake a beast that had laid dormant for eons and Jimin didn’t know what to do.

The more logical side was saying as much as he loved being with you, this wasn’t healthy and he should stop now before things get any worse. Yet every night, he was back with you.

He couldn’t leave and he didn’t want to either.

Every time you’d fall asleep and that smile on your face when you’d finally notice him, he never wanted to stop seeing that.

It was almost hard to forget the times you’d gaze right through him, never once being aware of his presence. How could he go back to being nothing to you?

You were his and he was yours. He’d find a way to overcome this, if it’s the last thing he does.

That doesn’t mean it hasn’t been hard.

You made things hard.

You and your filthy mind.

You’d think about him all day, it would catch him off guard every time when he would watch over you at your job and you’d be so innocently sitting at your desk, like you weren’t thinking about the night before, in a scenario where you never woke up.

Your thoughts, painfully loud as you shifted in your seat. That date where you both rode on the backs of unicorns, you pictured his physique as you clung onto him that night as you and the herd rode into the sunset. It would just get worse, so much worse as you thought about when you both ended the ride, how he held you in his arms.

You wanted him to take you right then and there. It played so vividly in your mind, just like the countless other sinful fantasies that bounced around in your head all day. And he knew exactly how hot they would make you feel, the special bond you have making it all so clear what you wanted.

It was torture.

Jimin was forced to sit there and he couldn’t do anything about it. He’d even considered on a couple of occasions, merging down to the normal plane just to beg you to take pity on him.

Jimin hated you for it, it was pathetic.

You never realized it was Jimin’s doing, you always would curse to yourself whenever things got too hot and then you woke up in your apartment once more. You simply thought you got yourself too excited and would wake up as a result every single time.

In actuality it was the most speedy way to stop himself from going any further than he has.

He’s tried so hard not to go beyond kissing, so hard, and it was so pathetic that he wanted more every time. Every single time.

One day you had asked Jimin to take you back to the diner because you were craving their breakfast. The date had gone similar to the first time he took you, Laura served you a mountainous amount of food as you chatted about anything that came to mind. You were a little braver this time in getting up to explore the diner, wanting to see the extent your mind came up with the smallest details.

You went over to the jukebox they had sitting in the corner and bet that nothing would play because none of the songs were ones you recognized. Low and behold the random song you picked ended up overcoming the murmur of the other customers at the diner.

You were stunned but that officially meant you lost the bet. Jimin knew you would, but his wish was simple. He just wanted you to dance with him.

He laughed at your defeat but didn’t hesitate in pulling you close as you both began to sway to the soft strums of the guitar and drum of “My Girl,” one of his favorites from when he visited the time period. The moment had been a chance to have you in his arms, the others in the diner disappearing as you both just enjoyed the moment.

It was perfect, you were perfect. A warm feeling spread in his chest as he held you, that Jimin used his hand to make you look up at him so he could just kiss you.

It should have been a perfect, sweet moment— it was all up until your filthy mind was back and he knew you wanted more. The warm, sweet feeling turned into something darker almost instantaneously.

At this point he had it.

Jimin knew you were confused when suddenly you were pinned up against the counter a couple had been eating ice cream at only moments prior.

If things had gone your way he would have taken you right then and there. He would have had your dress bunched around your waist and fucked you so maybe then you would learn to behave.

And he nearly did, he nearly took you right against that counter. His hand on your waist had been shaking because just a thin piece of fabric was in the way of having you like he wanted. And your mind… you just made things worse.

That’s how every meeting would go between you these days. It was horrible and it was all because of you.

If you hadn’t done this to him he wouldn’t be in this position.

If you just listened to me you wouldn’t be in this position.

If he wasn’t so weak he wouldn’t be in this position.

But at the end of the day, he made his choice, and he continued to make the same one every night when he visited you.

No one was forcing him to continue this. You still thought he was just a dream, you would eventually forget about him and things could go back to the way they should be.

You were innocent in all of this, yet this fiery heated emotion was constantly directed towards you. He hated it, he hated all of these new emotions. As beautiful as the orchestra was, all of them felt strange, unnatural, dangerous even.

Jimin shouldn’t be feeling anything. He should be the soldier he was trained to be, obedient and with only one thing in mind— maintaining the balance and continuing the cycle of life in the universe.

A new emotion manifested all on its own as a result.

A gray cloud of gloom would storm, thunder, and pour continuously over his head when he watched over you throughout the day. Jimin couldn’t control it, and that just made things more confusing.

Was it sadness, depression, maybe some watered down version of it? What if it was something else entirely?

As happy as he was to be with you, it wasn’t right, nothing was right anymore.

Jimin had disobeyed the commands of his leader and now he was struggling to keep the one promise that his team had made with each other and had maintained for eons.

Jimin wanted the solution to just be that he had to stay in line, but that line kept being moved and manipulated. He just knew things would only get worse.

Was this what happiness was meant to feel like? All the humans he looked after, was it always this confusing for them? This pain that just didn’t make any sense— no end, no beginning, no wound, no blood, he could never place it… it just hurt all over.

Was this what he wanted when he decided to be with you?

He was happy, he was sad too, he was angry, he hated you, he hated himself more. It was all too much and Jimin felt like a hurricane was whishing and whirling around in his head— his mind was a horrible, tumultuous storm and maybe if he was human he would understand how to navigate this.

If he was human the problems he faced wouldn’t exist, he could be with you no consequences whatsoever. But at least if he was human he would be used to these strange feelings.

Maybe the answer would be clearer.

But every night Jimin came back to you and he never wanted to stop, because through the storm you were his beacon, his lighthouse, his safety, his refuge.

You were the only thing that made sense anymore and he just wanted to be with you, even if it was from far away it was still something.

Jimin hoped it would have stayed that way, he wasn’t entirely content but he respected the boundaries your relationship needed to have.

It was fine, and everything would have continued to be fine if he didn’t exist.

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

You were enjoying your lunch break that day by yourself. Your friend Mina had been at home sick so you were eating your tteokbokki alone and mindlessly scrolling through your phone to occupy your time.

You weren’t truly alone though, you never were.

The cafeteria was minimalistic— the white, sleek, modern walls and tables, contrasted nicely with the bright chairs and accents throughout the room. It was a style something your office loved as they were a fan of bright colors, that being evident even in the office space.

Jimin sat with you at the table in the blue chair and you were in the red one right across from him.

You were completely unaware of his existence or all the rain that flooded the cafeteria as the cloud above his head continued to storm. Jimin was soaked but he’s grown used to it at this point.

He felt numb, but sitting here with you was nice.

Maybe in some other world you both might have been coworkers, a secret romance that blossomed between you two that eventually you couldn’t keep a secret any longer. The storm wasn’t overhead instead you both were sharing a meal together as everyone around you sighed at how single they were.

They were jealous and you would always laugh because you both really were lucky.

He couldn’t help but wonder sometimes, if you met while he was human would you have liked him? What if the only reason why you said yes was because you thought he was a figment of your imagination, your desires making you look past the glaring fact you didn’t find him dateworthy if it were real life?

Would Jimin have been a nice human? One your eyes would have been instantly drawn too? Would he have been charismatic, would he have you laughing with each and every joke he told?

He was human once, surely out of all the lives he lived at some point there was one that would make you fall for him.

But here right now? The Jimin you would have met, would you like him?

Jimin’s thoughts were interrupted when he noticed you turn toward the sound of the clicking of shoes against the tiled floor— ultimately looking at the guy who was walking over to your table.

Name: Pyeon Jin-Sang

Age: 28

Occupation: Lead Financial Officer at Divine Pharmaceuticals

He was a fellow coworker and you both had spoken on a couple of occasions. It was mainly about work, you both didn’t see each other much working in different departments.

It was why you were a little shocked to see him coming over to you.

Jimin instantly felt his blood run cold because he knew what he wanted.

“Hey Y/n…!” He was a little awkward, maybe nervous, but he was still cheerful as he took a seat at the green chair in between you two.

Jimin didn’t like him.

“Hi!” You smiled back as pleasantly as you could considering your mouth was full of tteokbokki.

“How have you been?”

“Ummm….” You were definitely confused, you normally didn’t have these casual conversations like this.

“I’ve been ok I guess, things have been a little busy in marketing, but I’m making it.” You were wondering if this was about work or something along those lines.

“I heard things were busy over there. You’re doing ok, right?” Jin-Sang seemed genuinely concerned.

You nodded. “I’m fine, but I think it was a little too much for Mina— she got a pretty high fever after staying late the other day.”

“Is that why she’s not here today?” Jin-Sang asked, looking around.

You nodded once again, taking another bite of your tteokbokki.

“Mmm well, you take care of yourself, alright? Seeing you around the office always puts a smile on my face.” He cheesed, cheeks dusting pink in the process.

You only halfway picked up on the flirting attempt— noticing it, but choosing to ignore it because no way was Jin-Sang trying to flirt with you.

Your face flushed nonetheless.

The conversation grew more natural with the uncomfortable icebreaker out the way.

You both talked a little more about seemingly anything and everything that came to mind, a little work, but you mainly focused on the personal details that you both just never seemed to discuss before.

He was a nice guy and a lot more interesting than you would have guessed from your brief interactions in the past. You laughed as he told you about the time he and his friends went kayaking down the rapids in Australia and how they nearly went down a waterfall after they made a wrong turn.

Jin-Sang was exciting, nice, and really funny.

The more you talked the more you picked up on his shy attempt at flirting with you. It was cute, he was cute.

He wore a suit that nicely fitted his frame, his sharp eyes would crinkle up anytime he’d smile at you, his dark hair neatly styled with a sharp undercut on display, but his cute round glasses and soft pink cheeks just made him look like a teddy bear.

There was no denying it, he was handsome.

You both talked for pretty much your entire lunch break and it was just as you were about to leave when he finally asked you the question.

“Uh… Y/n.” Jin-Sang called out to you as you started getting up. His voice wavered slightly and he quickly started playing with hands.

“You probably already know I didn’t just come over here to talk about my Australia trip or the logistics of blue cheese…”

It had been a strange conversation looking back on it now.

Jin-Sang paused and looked around like he was trying to find the right words.

“Alright, fuck it. I meant what I said in the fact I look forward to seeing you everyday, and even though we only talk on rare occasions, I really want to get to know you more.” Jin-Sang paused once again to gauge your reaction and you couldn’t stop the smile on your face growing even wider when he noticed yours.

“Uhhh…” He giggled as he scratched his head.

“Sorry you’re really pretty…” He tried to laugh it off, but you heard it and you couldn’t deny the butterflies you felt at the compliment.

“I really came over to ask if you wouldn’t mind hanging out with me outside of work.” He smiled at you.

Oh that smile could kill someone.

“Like a date?” You asked, a giddy feeling spreading in your chest.

“Yeah, a date.” You noticed his smile grow wider at your mention of it.

This should have been easy. Obviously there was enough chemistry here that trying things out would be worth it in your opinion. It was on the tip of your tongue to ask him for the time and place and tell him you’d be there.

Maybe things would make a little sense if the only reason for your hesitation was your concern of pursuing a workplace relationship. Those can get messy and there should be a little caution before being ready to take that short of risk. But that’s not why you hesitated.

As much as you enjoyed Jin-Sang’s company, a certain angel that made his way into your head every night was what ultimately stopped you in your tracks. What you actually were about to say, was that while he was a nice guy, you had a boyfriend already.

But that just served as a reminder that Jimin was nothing more than a figment of your imagination. As much fun as you were having with Jimin, at the end of the day, he was just someone who lived in your head.

And maybe this was a sign. You thought you had sworn off relationships for a while, but Jin-Sang was nice and a date or two wouldn’t do any harm. If things worked out then that’s great, but if they didn’t then so be it.

Jin-Sang noticed the way your smile started to drop as the proposition lingered in the air.

“Uh— you don’t have to respond right away! This was pretty sudden so I can give you some time to think!” He panicked and you instantly felt bad. This wasn’t fair.

“Oh yeah… um— can I have your number so we can talk?” You asked and he was quick to give you the digits before you could even open up your contacts list.

It was cute.

He gave you a slightly awkward goodbye as he made his way back over to his table of friends who had been eying you both intently since he walked over here.

As soon as he was gone, the guilt you felt nearly overflowed. To make matters worse you didn’t know who you felt more bad for, the fact you didn’t give Jin-Sang an immediate answer because of a figment of your imagination or… did you feel bad for what you might be about to do to Jimin?

It was crazy right?

Maybe you might have been, but you didn’t know that the Jimin that had stopped you, wasn’t in your head but sitting across from you.

From where he sat the storm that had poured over his head had filled the entire room, lightning flashed, and thunder crashed, as the wind blew everything around.

Jimin could hardly see you anymore, the rage he felt burning from within making a hollow gaze settle onto his blue eyes.

He didn’t scream, he didn’t yell, none of that would have done anything anyway.

Instead he let the embers burn, catching ablaze faster and faster and faster. It was a new emotion— it wasn’t rage, hatred, or anything in between but he knew it came from a place he didn’t like.

His confusion didn’t help but the storm raged on anyway and by the seconds grew even more powerful somehow. He couldn’t think straight, only one thought seemed to pierce through the storm.

You were his.

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

Jin-Sang texted you by the time you made it home for you to tell Mina he hoped she felt better soon and also invited you out for coffee or ‘your preferred drink of choice’ on Saturday. Apparently this new cafe had opened up and everyone was talking about it. You wanted to text him back and tell him you were down and you were excited for Saturday, but it was like this little nagging voice in your head anytime you tried to type anything out would stop you.

Jimin.

It was stupid, incredibly stupid.

You knew Jimin only existed in your head, but sometimes it was so easy to forget that. Jimin was unlike any other person who’s made their way into your dreams, especially as someone you never met before, he felt very… real.

Maybe it was because of how vivid they always were, but Jimin felt like a real person. He had likes and dislikes that didn’t match your own, he had stories to tell you that you don’t remember, and something about the way he’d look into your eyes.

It felt real, too real that you often wondered if you had actually lost your mind.

Maybe you had and Jin-Sang was a sign you needed to wake up.

You had been lying on the couch trying to come up with an excuse why it wouldn’t be a good idea to go out with Jin-Sang besides your make-believe boyfriend, but apparently your mind was tired from the day, too much had happened. It also didn’t help that you had ASMR playing in the background, you were out before you even realized it.

You don’t know how long you were asleep for, but eventually you opened your eyes to find yourself looking out to the familiar field you found yourself at every night.

But things were immediately off.

You were propped up against the tree like you had been sleeping under it, and from this view you could see… well, you couldn’t see.

A thick gray fog covered the field so you could hardly see in front of you, thunder rumbled in the distance, and a light rain steadily started to sprinkle across your skin.

It was pouring though, you could tell in the heavy pitter patter sounds of the rain hitting the tall grass of the meadow, but you figured the large tree overhead was what was giving you a little coverage.

What was going on? The weather was usually so nice when you came here.

You looked around a little confused, things weren’t normally like this. But just as you were about to start calling out to him you were shocked when you finally noticed Jimin sitting around the tree.

He had his knees to his chest and his head was buried down in between.

“I’m sorry… the clouds just seem to follow me these days.” Jimin sighed.

And he was off too. Jimin was usually so happy to see you, always greeting you with a hug knowing how much you love them. It was clear something was bothering him.

You scooted closer so you were sitting right next to him.

“Are you ok?” Your voice was soft as you rested your hand on his shoulder.

You didn’t get an answer right away, instead the rain filled the growing silence once more. Part of you thought he might not have heard you so you were about to ask him again, but slowly Jimin lifted his head to look out to the foggy meadow.

You could see his eyes now, the vibrant blue looked like a violent storm at sea, the waves reached astounding heights and the rain poured overhead— the chaos of nature itself. Yet it was a quiet storm, one not a soul on land was aware of.

“Please don’t tell me you’re thinking about it.” Jimin sounded like all the life had been sucked out of him, his cheery smile gone and instead this plain, dead expression on his face.

For a second you had no idea what he was talking about, but the moment was truly small because of course the Jimin in your head would know about your dilemma with a certain coworker.

“Jimin—“

“You told me you were mine, that we were going to try…” If you didn’t know any better you thought he sounded like he was on the verge of tears, but your angel couldn’t cry, instead a heavy emotion with no way of release was filling his head.

In the distance the rumbling thunder grew a little louder.

You sighed and scooted even closer so you could put your arm around him.

“Please tell me you aren’t going.” Jimin tried again, this time finally turning to face you. For some reason he seemed slightly agitated, his gaze dark but filled with a pain that made your heart ache.

“Jimin… I’ve enjoyed our time together. Shit, you have no idea how much I wish you were real— actually, you probably do, you know everything I think—“

You took a deep breath.

“But you’re not. None of this is real. I can’t go out and introduce you to people. We can’t walk down the street and hold hands. Jimin you don’t exist, you’re just a figment of my imagination.” Your words were a little harsh but he had to understand.

You finally turned to him and you hated the look on his face, you could tell he was hurt. If that wasn’t a sign enough rain suddenly started pouring down from the sky.

It was violent, the cover of the tree wasn’t enough to shield you from the droplets that continuously hit your skin. You were soaked in seconds.

“Jimin!” You exclaimed, just a little annoyed he was reacting this way, but you felt bad as well.

“I’m sorry…” He grumbled the apology yet he didn’t feel bad at all.

He hated you.

He hated you because you were right in a way. He was real but he couldn’t do any of those things with you. To you he might as well be a part of your imagination, this is the farthest your relationship could go.

You could tell he was upset so you scooted closer and wrapped your arm around his shoulders.

“I wish so fucking much you were real and we could do all those things. The fact that I’m even contemplating this date over someone who doesn’t exist should tell you that much.” The pain in your voice, the sobs, you hoped he could feel how much you wanted him. Your tears ran down your cheeks, but you were thankful for the rain to cover it up some.

This was the perfect opportunity.

Everyone was right.

Jimin couldn’t even look at you, the grass that was being flooded by the rain held his attention. He watched as the water would try to soak into the ground, but too quickly there was more to take its place.

The grass was drowning.

This was one of those moments Jimin wished he could cry, something, because the reality of the situation was too much to handle.

He didn’t want to say goodbye, he didn’t want to let you go.

But it made sense.

His other half was right, this was the perfect opportunity.

Jimin knew Jin-Sang wasn’t a bad guy. His intentions were pure and he knew the date you would have would go well. You shared a lot of interest you’ve yet to discover and he would treat you well. He worked a well paying job, he would love you— he almost did already.

Jin-Sang could be the one.

Maybe things would be easier if he was sure, if he was like the higher up angels and he could know what stopping you from going on that date would do. He could be stopping you from your chance of happiness, something that he could never give you.

But he only knew the now and now hurts so much.

He didn’t want to let you go.

“Jimin… say something.” You cried seeing he was just playing with the grass underneath him.

The rain just got harder and harder. You were almost in a hurricane.

Now was the perfect opportunity.

He could say goodbye to you right now. He was only a dream to you. You would forget about him eventually. He could right the wrongs of this situation and go back to his position as it should. He was meant to be your guardian, nothing more.

Things would fall back to line eventually. Maybe with Jin-Sang there you would move on more easily. You would be happy and he would just be forced to watch it happen.

He wasn’t meant to be part of your life.

He didn’t belong here.

It might be hard now, but he would have had to say goodbye to you eventually. This was his opportunity.

It might hurt for a while, maybe even forever, but you would eventually fade into all the other souls he watched over and guided into the beyond.

Things could go back to normal, he could make his team happy, he could finally follow his leader’s orders.

This was it.

Jimin just needed to say goodbye.

But…

The clouds that raged around you almost dissipated instantly, the dark gloomy overcast replaced with the shining sun you were used to.

You looked around confused before turning back to Jimin wondering what was happening.

His head was still buried in his knees, but slowly but surely he lifted his head to finally meet your eyes again.

You certainly weren’t expecting to meet his dark gaze. His light blue eyes that reminded you of the ocean were replaced with something dark, black, a void almost. It’s like the storm itself had condensed small enough to rest behind his sad gaze.

It was scary only for a second.

“You’re right… I just… I don’t want to say goodbye.” He sounded like he was about to break. It’s like you were looking at a dam seconds away from exploding. Even though you knew he couldn’t cry it almost sounded like he was but the tears never flowed.

“Y/n, I’m sorry, it hurts and I don’t— don’t know how I— how to—“ He didn’t know what to say, how to articulate these feelings. All he knew was that it hurt somewhere deep inside to look at you right now.

You quickly pulled him into a hug.

“I get it… it hurts too.” Your voice was shaky as the tears streamed down your cheeks.

Jimin didn’t like the way this felt, you shaking in his arms, the ache he just couldn’t pinpoint in his body. It felt worse than a darkened blade piercing his skin. He wanted to scream but instead he just stared off into the endless meadow you meet every night.

When you pulled away, your tear streaked face made it hurt even more.

He didn’t know what to do, but seeing you like this, he would do anything to take the pain away.

Jimin cupped your cheek lightly and pulled you close. He was so gentle as his thumb lightly wiped away the tears.

You stared into his dark orbs and you could just see the pain on his soft features. It was so hard to remember that look was nothing but your imagination being cruel to you. It hurt worse knowing you were the one who caused this.

More tears slipped past your eyes and Jimin wiped every one away.

He was so sweet and you nearly melted away when he finally closed the gap between you two. His lips were so soft and kissing him felt like touching a live wire at the way your body tingled.

How could you let this go? You didn’t want to—

Suddenly your eyes shot open and you were staring up at your living room ceiling. It took a second to process where you were, to calm your heavy breathing, and to realize the fact you were soaking wet.

You hurriedly looked around and noticed the glass of water you had sitting on the coffee table was knocked over, but you were soaked. Just as soaked as you felt in your dream with all the rain pouring over you.

You looked around confused, but decided not to think about it too much as you steadily got up to grab a towel.

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

“What do you think about Pyeon Jin-Sang?” You ask absentmindedly to your friend who was sitting right in front of you.

You and Mina had gone out to this cute cafe for your lunch break instead of staying in like you usually did.

Mina had been sipping on her strawberry latte, something she claimed was the cure to getting rid of her sickness entirely. You doubted it, knowing your friend, you knew she just wanted something sweet.

“You mean that guy from finance?” You knew it took a second for her to remember who you were talking about.

You nodded, picking up your galaxy lemonade. It had been a new addition to the menu and seeing the pretty colors, you just had to try it.

“Ummm… I guess he’s nice, pretty good looking, I don’t know we haven’t really spoken much. Why?” She was genuinely confused, you couldn’t blame her though, this was coming pretty out of nowhere.

“The other day while you were out sick he asked me out.” You watched her face intently and you see the shock on her features almost double at the news.

“What?!” She nearly screamed, making you quickly need to shush her.

“What?” Mina tried again, this time only a little quieter, emphasis on little.

You nodded.

“And you’re just now telling me?!” She almost sounded a little hurt at this.

“I would have said something sooner, but…” You started but trailed off.

“Are you thinking of not going?” Mina’s attention turned to the little tea cakes you both were sharing.

“That’s the thing, we talked that day and he was really sweet, funny, and I think I’d be willing to try out the date…”

“I’m sensing a but coming.” Mina knew you too well.

You had to think about how to phrase this without sounding absolutely crazy.

“Well there was this guy that I really, really like who I was already kinda dating—“

“WHAT?!” Mina definitely screamed this time as she firmly slammed her hands on the table. “And you didn’t tell me??!! Who is he? Do I know him? Why didn’t you tell me you liked him, let alone dating?!!”

“Let me finish first!” You tried to calm her down.

She had to take a deep breath before finally letting you continue. You didn’t blame her though, maybe this wasn’t the best way to go about this.

“Well he lives far away and as much as I like him the relationship just can’t work.” Your heart pained at the thought of Jimin so far away you can’t reach him. You miss him so much, you didn’t see each other yesterday.

“Oh…” You knew she had more questions but she was letting you finish first.

“Jin-Sang is nice and I want to go on that date with him, but as stupid as it may be, I—“

“Keep thinking about this mysterious man from far away?” Mina finished it for you and you nodded at her words.

Mina took a minute looking out the window, trying to find the right words.

“And you can’t do long distance?” She asked but you quickly shook your head.

If only it was as simple as a few hundred, you would even take thousands of miles in between you and Jimin. Unfortunately he wasn’t of this realm, only accessible through your mind.

Mina had more questions about that but she stopped herself again.

“We broke up when I told him about Jin-Sang.” You threw that in but did you and Jimin truly break up? It just felt like your relationship just started. The words still hurt.

“Oh…”

“Like it was fun while it lasted, but Jin-Sang is here. It’s not worth continuing something that can’t go anywhere.” You doubled down, but your hands were shaking in your lap. You didn’t mean anything you said.

“Well then I don’t know what’s so complicated, go on the date and have fun. One date never hurt anyone and if things have ended between you two it shouldn’t be a big issue. Like you said, you had fun, but if things aren’t going anywhere why waste your time.” Mina made it seem so easy.

Maybe it really was that easy.

It should be that easy.

“I get maybe you’re struggling because you still have feelings for this mystery guy, but they’ll eventually fade and going on that date might be a great start to putting that all in the past.” She smiled at you, taking another sip of her strawberry latte.

You didn’t want to move on. You didn’t want to let him go.

Your mind had been filled with his eyes right before you woke up from your dream, the pain and hurt in his dark orbs. You actually felt like you betrayed him.

But she was right.

You could be missing out on a really good guy for someone that wasn’t real. It was ridiculous.

“But this is the step in the right direction. I’m honestly a little shocked after I thought you said you swore off dating.” Mina recounted with a chuckle.

She had been by your side after your last relationship and had been that shoulder you cried on while you were going through the breakup. She knew how bad things were and the pain you felt that made you swear off from dating entirely.

“I’m proud.” And this was the nail in the coffin for you as she reached her hand over the table and rested it on yours that was playing with the edge of the napkin your drink sat on top of.

Mina was right.

You really have come a long way.

The fact you were even considering going out again was a step in the right direction.

Jimin… you knew he was there because no matter what you said about dating being a thing of your past, you still craved the touch of another human being. You had shut out everyone after your last relationship and after your time with Jimin you truly felt like you could try and let someone back in.

Slowly, you knew the relationship would have to move slowly. You weren’t there entirely yet and especially after Jimin— moving on would still be hard. But you were willing to try.

It just sucks you can’t thank the person who’s gotten you this far.

“It was him.” You tried to smile but your heart still hurt.

“Even though we were separated. He was truly there for me. It just sucks it didn’t work out, but I think you’re right. I should give Jin-Sang a try.” As much as it hurt now you didn’t regret your decision.

This felt right.

You and Mina clinked your drinks together in celebration and on your way back to work she helped you draft up your message to Jin-Sang after you told her how awkward things got after he asked you out.

By the time you were back, you and Jin-Sang were on for Saturday.

Jin-Sang [1:46pm]: can’t wait :3

And as much as you couldn’t stop thinking about Jimin, you honestly couldn’t either.

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

You couldn’t see him but Jimin was right by your side every step of the way. He was there with you and Mina sitting at the empty table beside you both.

For some strange reason he’d hoped your talk with Mina would deter you from going through with this, that for some reason she would say to choose him despite it being impossible. Even in the vague way you explained your situation, she still chose Jin-Sang.

Jin-Sang was the correct choice after all.

Jimin had taken a small break yesterday from watching over you in order to get his head back in the game. That weird pain he felt deep down just got worse anytime he’d look at you.

He’d tried his best to convince himself that this was the right choice, that saying goodbye was what you should be doing. It was easier to accept when he was far away from you, in the refuge of that forest he found himself at whenever things got too hard.

It was easier to look at things objectively and accept that he had his fun with you, but now it was time to say goodbye for good and for things to go back to normal between you too.

Jimin only saw you briefly yesterday, anytime there was a sin that he would detect he was back next to you in a flash and taking all his frustration out on the monstrosity.

Today he thought things would be different, he thought the day yesterday was enough to get past the worst of it and for you both to begin your path to normalcy again.

But hearing you and Mina talk… when you said that you and this ‘mysterious guy you couldn’t be with’ had broken up he nearly lost it entirely.

A violent tornado formed around him in an instant and he just screamed out into the void that he lived in. Hearing those words made the realization hit him so much on how you would go back to staring right through him.

You were so close yet so far.

He would be nothing to you.

He remembered the pain he felt only months ago watching you live your life and he couldn’t be a part of it no matter how much he wanted to.

He didn’t know what to do.

He knew you texted Jin-Sang about the date but he was gone to the forest all over again. His head was swimming with all these unfamiliar emotions and he didn’t know what to do.

He had no one to talk to, he couldn’t tell his teammates— they all thought he was done with you already and certainly if he revealed it now he wouldn’t be granted with the advice he craved for.

Instead in his rage he nearly turned to the most drastic measures.

Alone in the forest, he felt cursed. He detested the life he lived, if he was normal, if he was human there would be no reason you both couldn’t be together.

His handle had turned into a small blade, his shirt had been discarded somewhere in the brush. The words that painted his skin all were blackened out and he still had healing scars from all the repenting he had to do.

At first this was only meant to be a reminder of the reason he needed to leave you, to see the damage you had caused him. But he wanted it to hurt, to hurt more than this burn he felt more from the inside because even then he still wanted to be with you.

Jimin had unfolded his wings and had them resting in his lap with the blade only centimeters away. He’d gotten as far as the knife had managed to graze the delicate feathers and it sent him screaming.

His knife had managed to put a slight tear in one of the feathers and that alone made him pass out.

He’d wanted them off entirely but his wings were too sensitive to try and do it willingly. Apparently his body rejected the idea.

Or really he didn’t want them off, he just wanted to be normal so you both could have your life together.

When he woke up merely seconds later Jimin felt different.

It was strange.

Beforehand, despite all the pain, he was going to try to leave you alone. He was going to try to say goodbye, no matter how much it hurt.

But now… His other half was silent and for once he felt like he could think for himself. Suddenly it all made sense now and what he wanted became so clear.

Why couldn’t he be selfish for once?

You were his after all.

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

It was the big day, Saturday.

Jimin had been watching you as you started getting ready. Your date wasn’t till four but since it’s been a while since you’ve gone on a first date, you were feeling nervous with an extra need to make yourself look presentable so you started the process early so you didn’t have to rush.

Jimin hated the way he felt, he hated the way you felt even more.

You were giddy, eager for tonight— for a man that wasn’t him.

Jimin had no right to be upset.

But he was.

This flame just grew as he watched you get ready steadily. And you looked so good too…

You always did…

The situation just felt unfair.

Why did Jin-Sang get to have you?

The whole argument centered around the fact you thought he wasn’t real, but he existed just like anyone else in the world? Why did he have to give in for the sake of some human?

He would be better to you, he knew he would. So why did he need to be the one to let you go?

It just pissed him off even more. Were you so easily forgetting who you belong to?

You were his and he was yours. Why did he need to suffer and watch you live on? It was unfair, this shit was so unfair.

He’s sacrificed so much for you already and now he was the one who had to give up?

Jimin didn’t like the nasty emotion that just kept growing as he watched you.

Anytime you’d text Jin-Sang about later he felt like he wanted to slam himself into a building. He felt an even greater urge to fly over to his apartment and set things straight. He didn’t know what came over him.

This was meant to be the right choice yet it didn’t feel like it.

And then…

Though he was here with you, he knew at the moment Jin-Sang was on the phone with his friend about whether it was weird to bring condoms on the first date or not. Jin-Sang was saying “what if she thinks that’s the only thing I want?” but his friend was saying to bring them “just in case, you never know how this date might go.”

Jimin wanted to go over and slap him for even thinking about it, but again he had no right. It just made him think back to what things were like with your last boyfriend. It was hard then to manage, but now… now…

Anger cursed through his body the closer the time got because it wasn’t fucking fair.

You were his. He was your boyfriend, you were his girlfriend.

He should be the one you’re so giddy to see later, he should be the one you’re so tentatively getting ready for a date for. It should be him, it should be him, this wasn’t fair.

Because it truly wasn’t.

If things were different— no fuck that.

Jimin should have left, given himself another day, maybe to cool off. Maybe even a more official break would have been the best thing to do to give himself time to reset. He shouldn’t have stayed but it was that same strange, nasty emotion he hated that brought him into a whole new problem.

It was only a few hours to your date and you were chilling on your bed, a silk robe the only thing covering your body. You’d already showered and done all the pampering you needed to. You even had your dress laid out on the bed beside you after you spent nearly two hours on the phone with Mina about what to wear.

You both decided on something casual enough since you were just going out to coffee, but still was sophisticated in its slight pretty elements. It was a simple, black, short sleeve dress that had cute heart shaped buttons going down about halfway, its white collar and the way it gently hugged your curves gave it that level of spice that Mina said it would be perfect for the date. You also had this tiny white purse and fun, cute shoes that also had hearts on it to match.

It was very different to how you dress at work but that was exactly the point.

All you needed to do now was get your clothes on, do your hair and makeup and then you were out the door. It might seem like a lot, but you knew you wanted to give yourself some time to make sure everything was perfect.

Laying here though after all the hectiness of trying to get ready, it was only for a split second did you feel sleepy. You didn’t think too much of it though, you were about to get up soon anyway, but it’s like this wave suddenly overtook you and before you had time to react you were out cold.

You didn’t even realize you had fallen asleep until suddenly your eyes shot open and you were back underneath the tree you used to find yourself every night under. It had been a few days since you’d last seen Jimin, nearly a week at this point since that emotional fiasco happened last time.

Even though you’d tried to end things with Jimin, you were honestly glad to find yourself back. Last time just didn’t feel like the right place to leave on.

You looked around a second wondering where he was until suddenly you heard footsteps on the other side of the tree. You moved around and low and behold there was Jimin leaning against the tree with his arms crossed.

“Jimin?” You tested already sensing something was off.

“So you’re really doing this…” His voice was low and you sensed the attitude behind his words.

“We talked about this already, as much as I want to be with you, you know that can’t happen.” You sighed, slightly annoyed you needed to repeat yourself but understood this was hard. But why was your consciousness doing this to you?

Jimin finally looked over to you and he was staring at you with that same dark gaze that you saw last time. You could still see the raging storm in his eyes, you could see the pain and hurt you’d caused.

Jimin started walking closer to you.

“And after everything we've been through, you still think I’m not real?” The question seemed to ring in your head as the words settled in the air.

Jimin kept moving closer and you were just stunned because you didn’t know what to say. Of course this wasn’t real… it couldn’t be real.

You never stopped him as he came close enough so your back was against the tree, his arms coming up by your head, effectively caging you in.

“You really still think that…” He looked shattered as he stared into your eyes.

“Jimin…” His name fell from your lips unintentionally, it was almost a sob seeing that look in his eyes. He backed up slightly, disappointment written all over his features. He paced around for a few seconds.

“Or is that what you want that to be the case?” Jimin suddenly turned back to you, he was angry, malice laced in his words.

“What?” Your eyes were teary but you were confused. Where was this coming from?

“Jimin you know—“

“Do I?” He laughed.

“You just keep telling yourself that I’m not real so you don’t feel guilty about doing shit like this.” The accusation was insane and entirely unfair, but Jimin wanted it to hurt as much as you hurt him.

You had been sympathetic at first, but that quickly was wearing thin the more he talked, because this made no sense.

“What the fuck are you talking about? For someone who’s always in my head, this one time you’re choosing to ignore any it and make these stupid fucking claims?” Now you were angry, more than that actually because why was Jimin making this so hard for you?

“Hard for you?! Do you even know—“ Jimin had to stop himself real quick, the pain was overwhelming at this point. Why did this hurt so much? He didn’t know how to handle this at all.

“You promised we’d try…” You don’t know how much those words meant to him back then. To hear that you’d be willing to put up with his incompetence when it came to this type of relationship, it meant the world to him. He’d been so scared of messing things up, he’d already had but you’d so easily forgiven his mistakes and he thought things were going good so far.

“I did! But… Jimin we tried, and we tried as far as we could. I love the time we spent together and I wish, Jimin please hear me, I wish we could try more— into the real world. I wish I could go out and introduce you to people as my boyfriend, but I can’t! Look around, we’re in my head! This isn’t real, none of this is real and as much as I’ve enjoyed my time with you Jimin this is just a sign I need to move—“

The pain just got worse and worse.

“That would make things so much easier.” His attention wasn’t on you anymore, he couldn’t look at you, instead he stared down at his bare feet in the lush green grass.

“What are you sayi—“ Before you could finish he took a step closer to you once again.

“It wouldn’t hurt as much seeing you go off with him.” He’d gotten real quiet, but you could hear the quiver in his voice.

He took another step closer so he was standing directly in front of you. His hand came up steadily to intertwine his fingers with your own, so soft and gentle.

“I’m sorry… it just hurts so much and I don’t know what to do.” He steadily lifted your hand so it was resting on his shoulder. He finally raised his head to look up at you and you could have broken down right there seeing how dark his eyes had grown.

“Jimin…”

“I’ve never felt like this before and it just hurts so fucking much. I’m sorry.” He truly did feel bad about what he said. It wasn’t right to take this out on you. But he was still mad, this was all so unfair.

“I wish— I wish things were different.” You looked up at him with sad eyes, hoping he could sense your own pain in this.

“Why couldn’t you be someone I knew— a coworker, a highschool classmate I forgot about, a stranger I pass by everyday on the way to work— anything.” You sighed, frustrated honestly.

Even if the real life Jimin wasn’t anything like the one who’s made his way into your dreams every night, it still would be a relief to know he was there, that you could actually reach out and touch him, that you haven’t gone absolutely crazy over a person who didn’t exist.

“Why do you keep saying that?” Jimin cried once again in your head when he shouldn’t be.

“Because it’s the truth—“

“I wish this wasn’t real! If I didn’t exist then I wouldn’t have to live like this— watch you run off with some other guy because I can’t be with you. Maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so much…” It really would be better.

Every time you’d leave the dream he wouldn’t know what was happening, he would cease to exist until your mind conjured him up once again. Things would be so simple, wouldn’t it? He wished that was the case. Did you seriously not know?

He already knew that answer.

“Jimin… you seriously can’t tell me you think this is real?” Your eyes were sympathetic as you lightly ran your finger over his shoulder, before moving up to rub his neck.

Your words flipped a switch inside, you saw it happen with your own eyes, his sad gaze turning dark all in a second.

Suddenly Jimin started leaning in close, he was only centimeters from your lips.

“Is that what you want?” His voice was low, dangerous, like that was a challenge.

“Huh…” You were out of it, you couldn’t concentrate with him so close.

“Is that what you want— you wanna run off with him?” He was pissed again and back with the outrageous claims.

“Jimin—“

Suddenly you felt your other hand being lifted to rest on his shoulder as well, to which you finally wrapped your arms around his neck.

“This isn’t real?” He looked you right in the eyes.

“You’re trying to tell me what I feel for you isn’t real?” You hurt him again and you didn’t know what to say. Of course to him this was his reality but for you—

“Stop doing that!” He exclaimed, his gaze staring right through your soul.

You didn’t know what to say and Jimin didn’t want you to anymore, instead he finally closed the gap that was between you. His soft, plump lips melted against yours as you felt that fiery explosion of butterflies you did every time you and Jimin kissed.

You tried to pull him as close as you could, you wanted him to feel how no matter what, you truly did wish you could be with him.

But then he pulled away enough to separate the kiss, making a whine escape your lips.

“You’re mine.” He breathed out as his hands traveled down to rest on your hips.

“Jimin—“ Before you could finish you were silenced by his lips on yours again.

“Shut up— please, please shut the fuck up.” He sighed in between kissing you.

And this time you listened. For all you knew this might be the last time you’re seeing each other and there was no point going back and forth like this. Instead you wanted to leave this off on a positive note.

“You’re mine.” Jimin reiterated again because apparently you weren’t understanding.

This just made you kiss him harder. It quickly grew hot, heavy, and needy because you just wanted him close and this just wasn’t cutting it.

“Fuck—“ You moaned as he hurriedly pulled on his sweater.

“Do you understand? You’re mine.” He needed you to understand. He was tired of playing the act that he was fine with letting you go— no you were his. It was just that simple.

Jimin had your back pressed hard into the bark in the tree, one hand on your waist the other sliding up your arm to finally cup your cheek to angle you just as he needed you.

His body was on fire faster than he could handle and he didn’t know why. This strange rage just made him want you even more than he could process. It almost hurt— he needed to slow down—

“Jimin, please— fuck, please!” You cried needing more. You didn’t have to ask again before suddenly you were falling once again and your back was against the soft grass with Jimin hovering right on top of you.

Your breathing was heavy as you stared at each other, his dark eyes staring right into your own, a pained expression on his features.

But the moment apart was short lived as Jimin dove straight down to your neck, hastily planting kisses across your hot skin.

“You’re mine.” The grit in his voice, it was almost if he growled right in your ear and you nearly lost it all together.

Your legs hurriedly came up to wrap around his waist to pull him closer.

It was then when Jimin panicked a bit— you were so close— sin, so much sin, he needed to stop he should stop but—

Jimin’s lips were back on yours in a hurry, you moaned lightly as you felt him start to rock into your heat. So good, it felt so good.

Your hands, your hands coming up to quickly tangle in his hair, this— then your lips were on his neck, kissing, sucking, marking him up like he hoped it would.

Jimin let out a pained moan because the words on his body were burning so much it hurt but you felt so good. This strange mix of pleasure and pain had his body confused and he bucked faster into you because fuck—

He should have stopped, he needed to stop but it just never felt like it was enough. He needed you to know who you belonged to.

By now he would have stopped because the longer you kissed the more excited he knew he was getting. He never wanted things to get that far, scared he might reach a point of no return, but something about today was different, he wanted you to feel just how much he wanted you.

And it didn’t take very long for that to happen…

It was too much. Every touch, every kiss he gave to you, he could feel it all. The connection you shared allowed him to feel for the both of you and it quickly got overwhelming.

He couldn’t control it and it just made that fire burn uncontrollably as your fervent hands ran down up and down his back and through his hair.

He loved kissing you, he loved touching you and he loved how it felt when you did it back. And to think this was sin— it was, it had to be in the way you practically bewitched him.

“Jimin…” You moaned softly because you could feel it now.

Jimin broke away from you slightly to grab your hand and trailed it down over the fabric of his toned chest, down to his waistband of his sweatpants, and then you could feel the outline.

Jimin groaned as he lightly rubbed himself along your hand.

“Does this not feel real to you?” He could hardly get it out, his mind was fuzzy and he was screaming at himself not to push this any further but he just couldn’t stop.

Your eyes stared right into his with pain because as much as you wanted to—

“Stop doing that!” He whined, your hand was right there.

He couldn’t think straight anymore, he wanted to fuck you, he wanted you to understand how much he wanted you, he wanted you to realize it.

Jimin quickly pulled your hand away and was kissing you once again with even more ferocity. He had to make you understand, he couldn’t lose you.

He pushed into you, faster, harder, so fucking desperate.

You weren’t quite understanding the situation, you honestly thought that this was just going to be a heated goodbye. You thought this was your consciousness giving you one last hooray with Jimin before you needed to come back down to reality.

You just knew if you both weren’t naked in the next thirty seconds you were going to lose your mind. But Jimin thwarted any attempts you made at pulling down his sweatpants, even taking off his sweater proved to be an impossible task and you might have been more confused if Jimin didn’t make sure your attention stayed on him nonetheless.

You had never felt this turned on yet sexually frustrated simultaneously, but you enjoyed the grind, the hurried pace he set and you just wanted him too—

Suddenly a pain whined left his lips and you felt his hips falter slightly.

Oh? Was he close?

You pulled him closer, needing him as close as he could get.

If only—

You were so distracted by Jimin you hardly noticed things started to change around you. The beautiful meadow in your mind slowly started to drift away but all you could focus on was Jimin’s moans and his lips on yours.

It didn’t dawn onto you until it steadily started to realize you didn’t feel the grass against your back. The thought was brief compared to the feeling of Jimin hastily pulling off of you.

You finally opened your eyes and you were shocked to see you were staring up at what you quickly recognized as your bedroom’s ceiling.

You blinked a couple of times before you finally turned beside you where all the commotion was coming from.

Someone was beside you.

It almost sounded like they were in pain at their low groans and how they almost seemed curled up beside you. And it almost sounded like—

You hesitantly sat up and low and behold you saw Jimin’s pained face as he was clutching onto one of your pillows.

It was Jimin but he looked slightly different, gone was his blue hair, matching sweater and sweatpants— instead he was wearing a white, short sleeve shirt, with matching white flowy pants, he was also blonde again.

What was going on?

“Jimin?’ You finally said something.

The longer you sat here the more you realized something was off. That haziness, dreamy, whimsical feeling you always felt when you were with Jimin wasn’t here.

You looked down and you weren’t wearing your pretty white dress, instead your silky olive green robe you had thrown over the lingerie you had put on.

You looked around more and in fact this was your room, it looked exactly like your room eerily similar. Even the clothes you had set out for your date crumbled up underneath Jimin’s feet.

This seemed real… too real.

You felt awake.

“Jimin…?” You tried again, this time lightly placing a hand on his shoulder.

You weren’t seeing things, you could feel him, and at your touch he finally looked at you for a split second.

Light brown eyes looked back over you.

You could touch him, he was warm, and his pained whines…

Suddenly your whole conversation came back to you.

“And after everything we've been through, you still think I’m not real?”

You sat there waiting for you to wake up for real but the more you stared at Jimin the more you felt like that wouldn’t happen.

“Are—are you happy now?” His voice was muffled beside you by the pillow.

“I told you, you were mine…”

Suddenly it slapped you in the face.

You weren’t dreaming… were you?

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ohblackdiamond · 3 years

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life and life only (paul/victoria) (pg) (part 7 of ?)

Mermaid AU. Paul lives in isolation in a sunken ship with his sister, until a new mer comes by to see his ship, and he starts to reassess the human world. In this chapter: Thinking Julia's planning to have her baby in the ocean, Paul confronts her on her pregnancy. Unfortunately, her plans don't mirror his assumptions-- and her plans force him to leave everything he's ever known.

He had thought, in wild, desperate moments, of trying to meet her at the airport. Something romantic like that. Pushing away all his fears, tossing aside Julia, and stepping onto that plane with Victoria, just like in a movie. Creating his destiny. Maybe becoming a big star alongside her. Trading in his garden for the stage, and all his unhappiness for thunderous applause.

But he didn’t. Two days and he knew it was all over. She was three thousand miles away forever, and he was still in the old vessel with Julia.

Better this way. He needed to stay in the ocean, where he was comfortable, where he understood things. He needed to stay with Julia. It hit him that Julia had never really needed him before. With the baby coming, he could finally start to pay her back for all those years of staying with him. It might feel a little good, helping her raise the child. It might bring some life into the old place, and some direction for him. He thought about showing Julia’s little merbaby all the different cultivars, teaching her (he was sure it was a girl) how to prune and how to harvest. Without Victoria, he knew he had no chance of mating off and starting his own family. Helping with his niece would have to be good enough.

His heart still ached for weeks after. Julia still wouldn’t say a word about her pregnancy. He’d have to talk to her about it himself.

“I think I want to change some stuff around the ship. Really make it look better. Sometimes it kind of feels like a grave, you know?” He didn’t know a better way to approach it with Julia, dragging a hand through his hair one evening just after supper. They were still in the kitchen. He was crushing up the leftover crab shells with a mortar and pestle. The powder made a good poultice for wounds. Something he should have had on hand when she’d gotten hurt. “Everything’s in real bad condition these days. Maybe you and me could take apart the taffrail, or… those old cabins Mom and Dad had, we could--”

“You do what you want.”

“But--”

“I don’t care, Stan.”

“It… it’d be nice, right? Even if you’re not with that guy--”

“What the hell do you know about that?”

He swallowed, setting down the pestle.

“It’s the widower, isn’t it? You’re having his kid.”

Julia stared at him incredulously. Then she laughed in short, harsh bursts.

“You think she’s Alan’s?”

“Why wouldn’t she be?” He swallowed again. “Julia, whoever it is, I--”

“The father’s a human. I met him last year.” Her expression changed. The sour, hateful lines were easing away. “His tour’s almost over. He’s coming home soon.”

Paul’s eyes widened. As much as Julia had gone away, he’d never really thought she’d been ashore for the bulk of that time. Maybe he just hadn’t wanted to believe what was right in front of him. His stomach curdled and twisted.

“Does he know?”

“No.”

“Are you going to tell him?”

“I don’t know.”

He wasn’t sure what to say. He had been so certain that the father was another mer. The child of a human and a merman was always human, as far as he knew, but the child of a human and a mermaid could be of either species. It only depended on what form the mermaid was in when she gave birth. And Julia had stayed in the sea for months now. Barely even venturing out of the ship. So…

“I’ll help. I-I’m going to trade more. And get some things ashore. I’ll get a cabin ready.”

“What for?”

“For the baby.”

“You really think I’ll have her here?”

“Would you want to go to the healer’s?” It wasn’t really traditional. Mer were almost always born on their own vessel. “I-I guess if you wanted--”

“I’ll have her ashore, you idiot.”

“What?”

“What do you care? You’re gonna leave with that girl before I even have the baby.” She stretched absently. “Keep spending the night with her and you’ll have one of your own.”

His face burned, and he shook his head.

“I won’t. We’re not-- we stopped courting.” The enormity of what Julia had just said hadn’t yet quite hit him. “She wanted me to leave New York with her. I didn’t want to.”

Julia’s expression curdled, falling back into its familiar, irritated lines.

“You should’ve. I’m not staying.”

“But--”

“You really are old enough, Stan. You don’t need me.”

“Julia-- you can’t, you know I can’t stay alone. Not in the ocean. You can’t really--”

“Then don’t stay here. Get back with that girl. Go ashore. I don’t care.” She pushed back her hair. “There’s nothing here for anybody. Not even you.”

“Y-you can’t have your baby there. You don’t have a place. Y-you’d need an apartment, a-and food and money-- if you stay here, you won’t need any of that. I can help you. I-I can pay you back for everything if you stay.”

“There’s a commune in New York, away from the city. I’ll have her there.” Julia wasn’t looking him in the face. She was looking at her own swollen stomach, hand tracing its contours. “I’m not trapping her in the ocean. She won’t live like I did.”

Live like I did. Like this life was so bad. Maybe only because she’d never had a choice. Maybe because his birth had shackled her to the sea. Now her baby was getting her out of it. His stomach knotted painfully as he tried to find the words.

“I’ll take care of you. Whatever you need. I swear. I’ll--”

“I’m going, Stan.”

“Don’t leave me! Please don’t leave me!” Desperate, he reached out for her, grabbing her arms like he could hold her there. She shoved his grip away, eyes wide, backing up as if he were about to hurt her. He stopped.

“You can’t keep me from it,” she said, slowly, quietly. “You can’t keep me from anything anymore.”

Julia left the next day. He begged himself almost hoarse. She took nothing with her except some food and a few things from her cabin, that gold bangle among them. She even left the few keepsakes their mother had given her especially. It was like she was rejecting everything connected with the water. Not just him at all.

He wouldn’t lower himself to plead that she take him along. He knew the answer already. Eighteen years he’d been her burden. She had a burden of her own making now, separate from him. Her escape route. Someone she must love already. Someone she must love more than him. He knew she’d provide for her baby somehow. She’d care for her. Julia was everything he wasn’t. All her bitterness was external. All her drive pushed her, while he limited his own ambitions. Julia could do brave things. Go ashore on her own, find a man, find a way out of a life she hated. He had been led to the shore each step of the way, only to turn his back in the end.

Now it didn’t matter. He’d known it as well as Julia did, what she’d just damned him to. Without Julia, he couldn’t live under the sea.

Paul sat in his room for hours and hours after she left. He was thinking about when he was five years old. He’d been shy even then, but more adventurous, more inquisitive. He had swum out past their mother’s garden, all on his own. Some time before, he and Julia had visited what seemed like a vast kelp forest not too far away from there. He’d remembered it being littered with oysters, too. He thought he could bring some home.

He found the forest easily enough. Mer always had a good sense of direction, even when they were small. He spent a long time roaming around the kelp, spying on the schools of pretty-colored fish that made it their home. He hadn’t remembered to bring a knife, and his chubby fingers couldn’t have handled one well, anyway, so he had to leave the oysters alone. But it was still a pleasant day. The masses of tall, thin kelp waving back and forth were fun to zoom around, even alone, though he wished he had someone to play with, someone to race.

He hadn’t heard the shark’s approach. All he’d noticed was one school of fish moving suddenly, the faintest prickling running up his tail, and the shortfin was already no more than four feet away and coming closer. He wailed, starting to swim back, back, the kelp now more like a maze, slowing him down as he tried to get away, too slow, too slow--

His mother had snatched him away, swimming in a desperate zig-zag, not slowing down until they were back inside the ship. She had berated Julia for a long time for daring to leave him alone, and then, she had sat him down on her bed and talked to him.

(stan, didn’t you hear it coming?)

(no, mama)

(didn’t you hear it at all?)

She had sounded so pained. Even then, five years old, he could recognize that he’d hurt her. That his answer wasn’t what she wanted. That his answer was wrong.

(no, mama)

She didn’t say anything else for awhile. She gathered him up and rocked him, and he didn’t protest the way he normally would have, just pressed his face against her chest. His heart was thumping terribly, almost as terribly as her own.

(you’re not going out there without your sister.)

(not ever again.)

He’d felt her hand brush against the remnant of his ear. He looked up. Her eyes were clenched closed, mouth twisted, as she whispered a few words, barely audible, that had burned in his heart ever since.

(my poor little boy.)

He didn’t leave himself for another few days. Not until the last of the traded meat and seaweed was gone. Not until he would have had to leave the ship for sustenance.

He gathered his things mechanically in sacks. The long mirror from his bedroom, his mother’s jewelry. The jars of old coins, the orrery, the bust of Athena. He went through all the cabins as if there was anything else left to take with him. He looked at the broken-down taffrail, the cannon, the smokestack, all the old reminders. The Lord Stanley felt like a festering corpse, yet he traced the peeled lettering like it was a part of a prayer.

He didn’t let himself look at his garden. He didn’t want to see the cultivars and know they’d be overrun in weeks. He didn’t want to think about what he and his mother had labored on being lost forever.

Paul surfaced in the afternoon. Victoria’s boat was still, incredibly, in the dock, and he wondered if that meant it had never really been her boat at all, since she hadn’t taken it with her to California. It would be so like any mer, to steal a ship. Even a mer as strange and unused to the ocean as her. His suitcase of clothes was still there, in the only bit of luck he thought he might get. He pulled on a shirt and jeans and flipflops, trying to ignore how they still smelled a bit like her apartment, and stuffed the coins and orrery in the suitcase, carrying it along with his sack. It was still cumbersome, cumbersome enough that he couldn’t easily lift a wallet from any of the tourists. He only managed it after about an hour of walking through the crowds, snatching the wallet out of the pocket of a drunk sitting outside of a bar.

No Victoria meant nowhere to go. No sterile apartment. He was having to rely on what she’d taught him. Hotels. He had to get to a hotel.

It wasn’t long before he found one, thankfully. He didn’t know what to do when he walked inside, so he just took all the money from the wallet, handing it to the woman at the front desk. She pushed most of it back, asking him a question he didn’t know the answer to. Double or single. Finally, he just said single. She asked him how long. He looked at the money he had left, told her two days, and handed her more of it. That pitying, awful look was on her face as she gave him a room key and had him sign a piece of paper, pointing out the payphone and telling him the bathroom was at the end of the hall.

Paul had trouble unlocking the door to his room at first, but he managed, putting his things on the floor beside the bed. Smaller than Victoria’s. The mattress was harder, too. There wasn’t anything in the room but the bed and a dresser. It felt like a void, empty and horrible, as he lay down on the bed.

His eyes stung, throat feeling hot. Tight. His mouth dropped and wavered, no matter how much he tried to lift up the corners. He didn’t exactly know what was happening until the water suddenly filled his eyes, sharp sounds coming out of the back of his throat.

He was crying. He’d never been able to cry before. Great, horrible sobs that he wished someone would hear. He wanted to be held. He wanted his mother to hold him, his mother’s gentle, cool arms cradling him tight. He wanted Victoria to trace her fingers through his hair and murmur something soft and assuring. He wanted Julia to--

(julia)

The burning in his throat and eyes and nose seemed to take hours to subside, even once the tears and choked sounds stopped. He didn’t know how a real human stood it. It occurred to him that he would know now, and that thought was awful enough that he thought he’d cry again. The vast expanse of New York had gone from a place of wonder to a place of exile. It would take him ten years to fully trap himself with a landlock, but he knew it was already over. He knew he would never live in the sea again.

The antiques he’d taken from the Lord Stanley looked so much worse above the water. Only the orrery and some of the jewelry still managed to gleam. The bust of Athena was worn, probably a cheap copy of some old master’s. The coins were grimy. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to sell them. Maybe the humans wouldn’t want any of their old treasures back. What would he do then? What could he do then?

He wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand as a shaky thought formed. Victoria had left him her knowledge. Her suitcase. She’d left him something else, too, if only in passing. A contact.

He dug in that wallet one more time, counting out the change. A minute later and he was out of the room, feeding in the coins for the payphone.

“O-operator. I’d like to place a call to Omar Medlin. He’s a lawyer. I-I think he’s in Manhattan.”

#kiss the band #kiss fanfiction #paul stanley #mermaid au

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