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the-chihayafuru-landslide · 1 year

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In Defense of the Ending of Chihayafuru [PART 1]

Well I never thought I would be writing something like this because mainly I wanted to use my blog to discuss Taichihaya because that’s all my biased ass is interested in is the romance. I’m a consistent bitch through and through, unlike some of y’all. But I feel this topic is a bit more of a pressing matter since currently people over on twitter have been fist fighting in PQRT over the ending (still lol). Which, you know my ass couldn’t stay out of because I love pissing myself off and being boo boo the fool.

Posting this again just as a petty reminder since I am sore winner.

One of the best tweets in recent memory was someone calling Taichihaya a tacked on wattpadd romance and was Suetsugu selling out to thirsty fans. I truly think it’s lovely people think that Suetsugu had so little integrity and would would spend 15 years on a manga and throw it down the drain in the final chapter! Nah, if that was the case and she genuinely wanted to placate everyone, I think she would have picked the friendship route. (Especially since Arata won the most recent online [ rigged ] popularity poll lmao I’m sure she was nervous as hell when that happened) If there was no romance conclusion then both Taichihayas and Chiharatas alike would be shrugging our shoulders and fighting in the parking lot behind a Burger King till the end times. Honestly, I’m so glad we don’t live in that timeline because I don’t think I could handle being a Taichihaya solider against these absolute units. Their stubborn persistence in their own biased reading of Chihayafuru is truly remarkable despite the thousands of arguments that have been thrown at them. I wish I was so uncritical in my life because my thoughts are constantly oscillating when presented with new information to try and get to the closest version of the “truth”. Which requires you to admit when you are wrong and not be blinded by your own hubris. Heh (I’m realizing now why people don’t like me considering I say shit like this completely straight)

Before we address some of the writing criticisms that have been thrown at the ending, let’s get this obligation out of the way: the ending is not perfect. No singular piece of media is and can ever be. But for what Suetsugu managed to accomplish and (IMO) hitting every necessary story beat in 80 pages is actually very impressive. I’ll be honest, I was at times shaking my head wondering how she could do it.

Suetsugu was writing this manga for 15 years and was trying to get to the ending as quickly as she could (originally she wanted it to end it in 49 volumes but got convinced by her editor to stretch it to 50 volumes which thank god). So using the words of someone else (who every so often says something that I regrettably agree with), I think we can all afford to give this mangaka a bit of grace.

At the same time no matter what the conditions were for the ending’s creation, the ending still is what it is and that doesn’t make it above criticism. But some of the criticisms I’ve had the pleasure to read (derogatory) have made me want to rip out my hair. I can’t even be nice, y’all are just being fuckin purposely obtuse, hypocritical, or partaking in bad faith cinema sins level criticism.

I can understand being frustrated as hell that things didn’t resolve the way you thought they would (trust me I’d still be crying to this day if Taichihaya wasn’t canon) but the actual hoops people have tried to jump through, like criticizing things that UP UNTIL THE LAST CHAPTER DID NOT BOTHER THEM IN THE SLIGHTEST, so they can point to anything other than what they are really mad about: that the ship they wanted to see didn’t end up happening and that Arata and Chihaya’s relationship not being romantical in the end has apparently no merit unless Chihaya told him EXPLICITLY at the end what a special little boy he is. I’d have more respect for some of you if you just came out and said it outright instead of being like every other theme and arc was also ruined by Chihaya’s confession lmao. I guess that’s just Chihaya’s power as a protagonist to ruin her own story by confessing. SHE IS A QUEEN IN EVERY SENSE. But of course people don’t want to say they were upset about the shipping b/c they spent how long (years?) tearing down those dastardly Taichihayas for only caring about that! Oh how the turntables.

Now I’m a chaotic individual and this entire thing is written purely in spite (I’m reading Skip Beat so I’m living my Kyoko fantasy) but before we get into the meat of my arguments; I’m going to break down the criticisms I’ve read about the ending into three categories:

1. Unresolved Plot Points

2. Unsatisfying conclusions to plot points

3. Things we should have seen but didn’t

I’m going to be discussing all three types of criticisms loose and free because thankfully I am not in academia anymore. So it’s going down, I’m yelling timberrrr. I just want to mention, with added emphasis, when I am discussing the criticisms filed under the third point- “things we should have seen but didn’t”, I want to acknowledge that it is ok for people to be sad about not seeing the thing they wanted to see. Even if thing wasn’t that important, and didn’t actually ruin the story.

I too had many things I wanted to see that Suetsugu did not feel necessary to include. Like yeah sure, I got my ship and even my crack ship (Arata x Sumire shippers manifesting their ship out of thin air like they were rubbing a lamp) yet I am greedy as hell. For all of our suffering as Taichihaya shippers (me for like 6 months some people for a literal decade) with Taichi and Chihaya being purposely kept apart in the story for literal years; at the end when they finally are a couple I wanted to see Taichihaya dating fluff and also their wedding (the way I felt so emboldened by reading the spin off for Eden No Hana that I truly believed it could happen). I should mention real quick that I sorta think ending a story with characters getting married is at this point a bit outdated and also kind of idk “tacky” yet the fervour I wanted to see a Taichihaya wedding made the feminism crawl back inside me and die. My life is filled with contradictions.

However, with things we want to see, to judge whether or it was necessary and or good to be included in the story we have to ask ourselves these questions: what does it add to the story? Is it necessary? What themes does it build? Is it redundant? Is it fun? Does it help resolve plot elements? Does it build characters? Etc etc etc

I actually do think some Taichihaya dating fluff would have been a nice way to wrap up the ending on a nice positive outlook for Chihaya and Taichi’s future together and provide a bit of breathing room after all the trauma and depression that’s happened (WE WERE SUFFERING FOR 100 CHAPTERS AND ALMOST 10 YEARS). I WASN’T EVEN ASKING FOR ANYTHING THAT DEEP IT COULD BE TAICHI AND CHIHAYA WALKING SIDE BY SIDE FOR A SINGLE PANEL HOLDING HANDS.

This could have been us and I would have been satisfied BUT NOooooo

IT would have been fkin nice, yet it wasn’t completely necessary. We kind of /got this/ with the slight time skip the end. You just have to squint your eyes and read it through subtext (something apparently Taichihayas are good at lmao).

With the final pages of the story we got: Taichi and Chihaya confirmed to be dating, them wearing tasukis together in the final spread (y’know as they did before as a team lmao), and Chihaya’s random hair change suggesting maybe they went on a date beforehand… Yeah these things suggest that the two of them are doing well despite living in different cities, attending different universities, and not even being able to see each other since they started dating (fk me up). Does it hurt me that’s all we got in the ending? You know it does. Do I completely agree with Yuki Suetsugu’s writing choice? No. I WANT A MORSEL OF FLUFF OF SOMETHING I AM A STARVING VICTORIAN CHILD AND I NEED A SINGLE CRUMB. The way we only got a single panel in the spin off chapter and it Taichi and Chihaya in the same tournament just a different angle… IT IS A CRIME BUT don’t worry about me, I’m completely fine yep CoOl as a cUcumber. We as a fandom expect nothing so we bounce off the walls when we are served air.

Ok what was the point of this rant? Oh, that we all want to see things for fun even when they don’t serve a purpose because it makes us happy and isn’t the point of stories… enjoyment? However, I’m going to be a dick and shit on your dreams because I didn’t get everything I wanted, why should you lmao.

But again, I do understand the lamenting at least.

Alright now I’m done the intro (if you can call all of that nonsense an intro) let’s discuss the actual criticisms. Again this is in no particular order and I won’t be addressing every single criticism I’ve ever read (like not even gonna touch the 2chan comments about Chihaya being a sl*t because I don’t feel like giving misogynists the time of day lmao) just the ones I feel like.

[ 1 ] Taichi’s Arc Was Ruined by Chihaya’s Confession

You know this would be the first thing I would address because I am the number one most die hard annoying Taichi fan (or at least I hope people think of me as so). I actually have an unfinished twitter thread on why Taichi’s arc wasn’t ruined, which will someday see the light of day, so for now I won’t go in as much detail (LMAO unfortunately this isn’t at all concise, the things I do for this fictional man).

Taichi’s character was apparently supposed to be the personification of a loser and Arata a winner. Y’know because Arata was bullied in his childhood and in a stylized reality that means you get everything you have ever wanted and the person who bullied you can never be redeemed instead has to be punished by the universe forever for the crimes of his youth. It’s just and completely fair, yes, if you make one mistake when you are 10 it will define you for the rest of your life.

Ok jokes aside, I think the majority of the fandom /kind of/ understood the vague outline of Taichi’s arc: it was about taking a risk and not being a coward. It actually takes a kind of vulnerability to actually put effort into something: whether that be a relationship or a sport because all of your hard work could literally amount to nothing. Losing only hurts if you care about winning. But winning only feels like a win when it is earned (maybe that’s why nobody cared that Arata got Meijin because his ass was at times too OP lmao). This applies both Karuta (Taichi’s initial belief that there was no point in taking Karuta seriously because he could never beat Arata) and in love (he dated some random girl he didn’t care about b/c it was easy).

So in that sense, I somewhat agree with Taichi’s arc was about appreciating the journey “to love that desperation” to keep trying and not take the easy way out. That getting rejected after you confess your feelings to the girl you’ve been in love since childhood and losing by a huge margin of 18 cards fkin sucks and will hurt so much; but that doesn’t make any of the time spent on it worthless. Not only that, but you can and should still keep trying. (In Karuta I mean. If you get rejected please don’t be like Arata and say lmao I’ll try again because I’m moving to your city to be closer to you)

Even though Taichi had a tenuous love/hate relationship with Karuta, At the end of the day, it still gave Taichi everything that is dear to him: his friends, teachers, and the dream to bet his whole youth. Hence why I will fight to say I that I do like the hug with Arata b/c Taichi finally got acknowledged by his rival (or his core). It just stings after Arata smoked Taichi’s ass with an 18 card victory lmao. Like on the one hand yippee Arata acknowledged him… on the other Arata giving a hug still reads a bit patronizing sorry idc. I love and hate the hug. I look at the panel of them hugging and I’m like aww my babies :) then I read the whole arc and I’m liek TAKE YOUR FKIN HUG ARATA AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. Sorry I got off topic there. (Unfortunately this is neither the first or last time that will happen).

The ending wraps up Taichi’s arc perfectly because he spent the whole manga not really having a firm Karuta “dream” (goal?) of his own (he kind of does but it’s too complex to get into right now so for simplicity’s sake we’ll say this). He watched his friends make a pact to become Meijin and Queen and though he basically facilitated this moment, he was not included. The “outsider”, the one left behind while Chihaya and Arata had bond through their Karuta dream.

No Taichi did not need to be symbolically made the reader at the end of the story- this was the perfect use of the childhood imagery to show how Taichi felt like the worthless one in their friend group.

Taichi had every reason to quit Karuta after he got his single win against Arata (and also because Chihaya had “rejected” him). Instead, seeing his friends accomplish their dreams inspired him to keep trying. (Hence his practice swings in the hallway). Then at the end of it all he challenged Arata that he would come back next year and take the Meijin title, throwing himself back into Karuta after his most devastating 18 card loss. The difference now from before lies in Taichi’s motivations. Before he wanted to win for other people: he wanted Suou to visit his family and he wanted to see Chihaya’s win from the closest spot. Which is not necessarily a bad reason to do things, but a central theme of Chihayafuru from the first chapter is making a dream for YOURSELF. So when he finally challenges Arata at the end it’s the perfect ending to his arc because he’s doing it for nobody else other than himself. He’s already lost the chance to win Chihaya’s love through Karuta and Suou has visited with his family that he’s been avoiding for all these years.

Alright so now that we’ve covered his Karuta arc, so what about the romance arc? Obviously, Taichi was a loser there too because he got rejected after confessing his feelings to Chihaya (until Chihaya pulled an uno reverse at the end).

Immediately after getting rejected, Taichi distanced himself from Chihaya and also the club completely cutting himself off from all of them (mostly). But this action was never narratively treated as Taichi trying to punish Chihaya. SO MANY PEOPLE interpreted this action as emotional manipulation since OOO he hurt her feelings. Yeah, her feelings were hurt and so were his? If he was actually manipulating her, then he’d have to have some underlying goal he was trying to accomplish? Taichi was basically like me very sad and right now I don’t want to be around Chihaya anymore or my friends or the sport I loathe (but love) because I’m not a superhuman robot and I do have feelings and those feelings right now are suffocating me fdkcnkjac. HE NEVER ONCE ACTED LIKE THIS WAS SOME MASTER SCHEME TO GET HER TO LOVE HIM OR TEACH HER A LESSON AS REVENGE FOR HURTING HIM. He just needed space because he wanted to figure out who he was and also at this point his perfect grades were suffering. Chihaya’s rejection wasn’t the only thing that made him quit the club anyways- he was already going through a downwards spiral LONG BEFORE THIS starting with his loss against Chihaya at Yoshino. Chihaya’s rejection was just the final drop in a cup that was already too full. It was going to spill over regardless and Chihaya’s love wouldn’t have saved him.

In fact Taichi never brought up his rejection to her at all. The only scene that we got where Taichi truly acted poorly (and even then it didn’t really affect Chihaya) was when he derived some satisfaction of knowing that Chihaya was hurting because of him. It’s a very real emotion even if it’s an ugly one; which I’m sure we’ve all felt at sometime in our life… But it’s a feeling which he himself feels guilty about having. Because maybe… he doesn’t actually… Want to hurt Chihaya? But because he thinks the worst of himself, the fact he even felt momentarily good that she might be hurting too, makes him not want to ever be apart of Chihaya’s life anymore (he can’t go back). Yes this is all apart of his master scheme where he selfishly thinks that he doesn’t even deserve to be in Chihaya’s life! Taichi the incel or whatever.

Taichi and Chihaya did eventually start mending their relationship slowly and gradually over the course of the last 100 chapters. Taichi came back to watch Chihaya win against Arata, he apologized for ditching the club, they cleaned the clubroom together (things accumulated), and then they played as a team in the Qualifiers and Challengers. Taichi had time to process the rejection but based on the final chapter, and tbh EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER AFTER 205, seeing Chihaya and Arata side by side accomplishing their dreams and looking like an amazing couple (y’know thing he wanted for himself) hurts him even if he is also simultaneously happy for them. Taichi is written like a human being and not a happy go lucky robot that can take every single L in life and be better off for it.

Part of Taichi’s initial motivations for becoming good at Karuta were toxic: he wanted to get good so that Chihaya could notice him and then maybe she would fall in love with him. Since Taichi knew Chihaya was a “Karuta Baka” and seemingly only got flustered when she saw someone with skill (for example her first “crush” was on her married sensei LMAO).

Like was Taichi himself CLEARLY THINKS THAT CHIHAYA NEEDS A KARUTA MAN TO LOVE. Which he’s kinda right about at least initially lol.

So for Taichi actually the most important thing was not to “get over” his love for Chihaya, in fact what Taichi needed to find his own reasons to play Karuta outside of Chihaya’s love. Almost like it might have been linked to a void speech Or sOMething.

In the end, he FINALLY picks himself and his feelings by moving away instead of doing everything in his life for Chihaya’s sake (and lol he was never gonna stay in Tokyo just for Arata be serious). Which to me is not a bad idea, considering how much of his feelings he still carried the distance would help him be able to move on. It would not be good for anyone for him to remain in Tokyo being completely miserable and jaded while your two friends are in the beginning stages of their relationship (cause yeah Taichi the #1 strongest Chiharata believer in the manga). He was stepping away at least partially for their sakes as well.

Nor do I consider his decision to leave Tokyo a “cowardly” move? Taichi is leaving behind his life, his friends, his sensei(s), and his family and moving to someplace completely new. That takes bravery. Arata at least has a support network in Tokyo (outside of Chihaya and Taichi even!) like Hydro, Nishida, and the Shirinami society… who tf does Taichi even know in Kyoto lmao.

Unfortunately Taichi was not completely ok by the end of the manga. Sorry, it didn’t fit into your neat little timeline for when you thought Taichi should be comfortable being the third wheel for his two Karuta baka friends. He has the self esteem of a broken kite. Badum tsssss.

Nor was it like he dropped the news that he was moving away with the intention of hurting Chihaya even more and manipulating her to fall in love with him.

Taichi if he was still in his villain arc: “don’t call me. Don’t come to my house. We’re done.”

In Taichi and Chihaya’s final conversation in the clubroom Taichi doesn’t hide that he’s moving and states he simply needs a change of scenery but assures Chihaya that they will surely see each other again because they will always have Karuta. That is the exact same promise they made to each other as they were kids; a promise of everlasting friendship through their shared passions.

Sure, one could argue, because he wasn’t in Tokyo, they wouldn’t be as close as they before the break up and therefore he “didn’t really give her their friendship back”… BUT TAICHI AND CHIHAYA WOULD NEVER BE AS CLOSE as they were in high school!! In high school they were able to see each other every single day. BUT even if Taichi had stayed in Tokyo, all of them (Arata included) would be going to different universities. They would all be busy with their own studies and would probably only see each other at the Shirinami society (if Taichi and Chihaya only remained friends). So to be honest the distance only really stings if they decided to date (which they did so fk me upppp). Like it’s part of growing up, you don’t get to see your school friends as often anymore. It sucks, but that’s the way life is. But that doesn’t mean your friendship is worthless because you don’t live in the same city anymore? WE HAVE CELLPHONES.

We can debate all we want if Taichi wouldn’t have moved to Kyoto IF Chihaya confessed earlier but ultimately it doesn’t change the fact that in the end he put his feelings first. Which is what he should do!! HE SHOULD NOT ROLL OVER AND GET STEAM ROLLED BY TRYING TO LIVE HIS LIFE SELFLESSLY FOR ARATA AND CHIHAYA FCK YOU.

Off topic rant: but when Arata announced to Taichi that he was moving to Tokyo why did people think that it was something Arata did for Taichi? At that point TAICHI DEADASS THOUGHT TO HIMSELF SCREW YOU ARATA YOU’RE MY ENEMY. Arata did not know how to read the fking room it was lowkey embarrassing for him!! He didn’t ask Taichi if he wanted him there he assumed that they all wanted the trio back together. At this point in time TAICHI DID NOT.

However, the most important reason why it didn’t ruin Taichi’s arc is that Chihaya’s confession is not framed as Taichi’s “reward” for being cool with them being friends. Chihaya’s agency is at the forefront of her confession - it’s absolutely her choice. It’s the culmination of Chihaya’s arc of self discovery and finally being able to express her feelings with the help of her friends and finally knowing what those feelings are. She had been pondering her damn feelings for Taichi for 100 chapters like I’m very sorry that you missed it- but that’s on you

Just because it’s an annoying trope in other media where the rejected boy was the one the protagonist wanted all along does not instantly make it bad when it appears in a story… you have to look at how it’s executed. I know you some of you wanted a “progressive” story where the rejected boy “friend friend” would continue just be your closest friend even after getting rejected. But if that’s what you wanted, we got that with Arata? So like… huh. Why does it NEED to be Taichi? Is the universe who has it out for him or is it you because you hate him.

Chihaya’s confession wasn’t about Taichi’s feelings nor Arata’s but hers and hers alone so stfu about it “ruining Taichi’s arc” bitch ass what? It only ruins his arc if you were grading it under the incorrect assumption that Taichi’s big lesson was that he needed to be a loser in every aspect of life while Arata is a special boy who did nothing wrong ever therefore gets everything <3 IT WAS NEVER IMPLIED THAT SUETSUGU WAS WRITING TAICHI THIS WAY NOR IS THIS THEME THROWN OUT IF TAICHI IS THE ONE WHO GETS LOVED BACK? WHY DOES HE NEEDED TO BE A LOSER IN EVERYTHING?? HE ALREADY LOST IN KARUTA AND MADE PEACE WITH “LOSING” IN LOVE. I think it’s better actually that disappointment in life was split between two characters (Arata and Taichi) because it’s realistic that every character faces some disappointment in their life and has learn to cope?

Which is a perfect Segway to my next point:

[ 2 ] Arata needed to be formally rejected (again but better)

In the hell that is Chihayafuru discourse land where there are clowns on either side of the argument: there are two camps when it comes to Chihaya’s “answer” (or not a reply) to Arata’s confession. There are those who believe that Arata was never rejected that Chihaya instead said “wait until after I am Queen and then I’ll reject you” and there are those who believe Arata had already been soft rejected in ch 173.

It was funny the collective breakdown the other side had when Suetsugu said in a now deleted tweet that Arata had been soft rejected here and he knew it… THIS WAS HIS RESPONSE? SO MUCH FOR THEIR BOUNDARY RESPECTING KING

I was, of course, in the camp that believed that Arata had been soft rejected in this moment because Chihaya said “this is what’s up right right now” and mentioned nothing about having feelings for him. She just wanting to accomplish her dream and be the best in the world at Karuta. Saying “I’m focusing on other things” is actually not an uncommon way to let down people in Japan since it is more polite than saying outright that you’re not interested. Moreover, Chihaya never asks him to wait for a response… You’ll notice he says all of that about “coming closer” to her unprovoked. But I’m not discussing whether or not this was a rejection (this time). For the sake of the argument, let’s say Arata wasn’t rejected here… Then what.

This is apparently what people wanted Chihaya to say to him:

“Arata I realized at chapter 93 that I will always love you and Karuta but I actually lied to myself. You see I wanted to bait the omniscient presence that watches over my life because I like making people look like clowns. But yeah, don’t worry not all is lost I do love you but maybe like a friend though not a lover. Even though your confession was the one I preferred because it was like a marriage proposal. Anyways at least you’re Meijin and I am so utterly grateful for you all you’ve done for me like introducing me to the sport. Thanks so much for being the biggest support of me like when you made a team so I could beat your ass. Anyways learn how to use your phone ok? Love ya but not that way bye!”

Ok sorry LOL moving on. So the camp that thinks Chihaya did not reject Arata in that moment, did everyone think that Chihaya’s answer to his confession was “yes” and that she knew in that moment but she wanted to wait until after she had accomplished her dream to tell him so? GOD IT’S SO HARD TO EVEN ADDRESS CRITICISMS OF THE ENDING WITHOUT HAVING TO BREAK DOWN WHY THESE BELIEFS HAD NO PROPER FOUNDATION TO STAND ON TO BEGIN WITH. Because if Chihaya knew in that moment that she loved Arata back, wouldn’t she have said “this is an answer to your response” or MAYBE she would have said something along what Rion said to Makoto.

LIKE SENSEI DIDN’T PUT THIS IN FOR FUNSIES IT WAS TO TRY AND HELP PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER YOURSELF. “IS IT BETTER NOT TO SAY THIS NOW?”

So anyways, Chihaya did not promise after becoming the best in Japan that she would respond to him with a yes. In fact, she never said she would respond to him at all? So…

With the two added pages off in the Tankobon, it became clear that Chihaya didn’t even have all of her feelings sorted out by the time she became Queen. So we can simply write off Arata needing to be formally rejected directly after he won Meijin because Chihaya did not know yet how she felt. Thank you so much Suetsugu for that.

Which even if she had fully sorted her feelings and decided that she loved Tacihi… I agree with the notion that it would actually be super shitty for Chihaya to ruin probably the best day of Arata’s life with a rejection? Like “congrats on the win buddy, anyways I don’t love you! Ok BYE”

Like why would you think that is a better outcome for him? But I get it, this would be the last moment Chihaya and Arata would see each other before uni because of the simple fact he lived in Fukui so if she was going to say something in person then it would have to be there.

But thankfully Arata gave Chihaya a little more leniency, to you know, let him know how she felt (if it was any different) when he moved to Tokyo. So quite frankly it’s not even like he asked her to respond to him after she became best in the world EITHER.

So then the alternative to telling him in person would be to what… Text Arata the moment Chihaya and Taichi started dating? PLEASE HOW WOULD A TEXT BE BETTER? I don’t know, YOU GUYS ALWAYS SAID Arata was apparently pretty chill waiting too? So it’s not like he was urgently fading away and they were so heartless for not texting him the MOMENT they got together. What is he, the Jesus in their relationship?

I just wanted a reason to put this meme here

So I think honestly the best thing was in fact to tell Arata TOGETHER the next time Taichi and Chihaya saw him in person. Chihaya did not need to pull him aside alone and have a deep conversation and tell him his worth to her as a friend? Their relationship would actually remain the same because the thing Arata did want the most was a future where the three of them (the trio) could be together whereas TAICHI WANTED A FUTURE ALONE WITH CHIHAYA.

Like for example Taichi even though he had more time to process his rejection it’s not like him and Chihaya ever had a heart to heart about what happened either so it’s odd you think Taichi would have not needed one but Arata should have?

I also think Arata probably won’t need as much time to process the rejection because he’s already been established to brush off adversary quickly. Plus let’s give him a little credit he’s been waiting for almost a year for a response for his confession like… The guy should have had time to think perhaps Chihaya’s answer would be no with how long it took to get back to him. Does that make him a bit pathetic? Yeah. And that’s ok because I love a pathetic man.

Taichi’s presence was probably also needed because when you think about it last time Chihaya tried to reject Arata he said “just you wait I’m coming to be closer to you”. SO maybe she thought oh if my boyfriend is here he’ll take it as a clearer no… BUT THEN ARATA STILL MADE THAT JOKE ABOUT WINNING HER AT 28 REGARDLESS. Like Arata my little bi disaster please you’re not helping your own case cdndkncj. But honestly no hate to Arata using comedy to cope. WHY DO YOU THINK I AM SO FUNNY?? I learned at a young age if you make fun of the way people make fun of you that their insults hurt less. Wow I’m dropping my trauma in the essay about the ending of Chihayafuru I’m so classy.

But the biggest thing is CHIHAYA SHOULD NOT HAVE TO REJECT ARATA BEFORE CONFESSING TO THE GUY SHE LIKES. Like you guys are fricking weird placing more importance over Arata’s feelings INSTEAD OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS?? IT’S HER ARC OF SELF DISCOVERY AND I WOULD NOT HAVE EXPECTED HER TO GO BACK AND TALK TO TAICHI BEFORE ACCEPTING ARATA’S CONFESSION EITHER.

It’s funny coming from the people being like “I SHIP THE SHIP WHERE THE GIRL CLEARLY LIKES THE GUY AND YOU LOSERS ARE NOT RESPECTING HER AGENCY CAUSE SHE REJECTED THE OTHER” the way that broke down when the character picked the one you didn’t like or even consider could be still in the running.

So no, the story didn’t need Arata to be re-rejected in a more formal manner in the ways you guys are suggesting. However, I do think some aftermath for Arata’s story was actually necessary as he didn’t feel like he fully “grew up” compared to Taichi and Chihaya. Then my wish was granted because in the spin off chapter we see Arata coping with his heartbreak and moving to a new city without the expectation having his childhood trio back again.

LIKE in the spin off Chihaya, Taichi, and Arata’s relationship is honestly the best it’s ever been? They text each other more frequently (Arata learned how to use his cellphone) and Arata even talks to Chihaya without stumbling over his words and being awkward. It was so refreshing.

Obviously Arata was hurting a bit. After all, it was his first heartbreak and he spent idk 2 years with a crush on Chihaya? Now that he’s in Tokyo he’s feeling… lonely. Which is ironic because when he was in Fukui he felt loneliness because of the distance. Even so, moving to Tokyo was actually good for him because he is making new connections. Now he has a super cute girlfriend named Sumire who finally can appreciate HOW HOT ARATA IS and be the little spoon he has always wanted. The end! <3

I know most people hate the idea of “pair the spares” but Arata and Sumire have the most compatible zodiac signs so it’s not MY fault it’s written in the stars??? But honestly they aren’t “paired” together in the end, just that hey life moves on and Suetsugu is saying there are plenty other opportunities for love (except Suetsugu did confirm to me personally that Arata and Sumire got married so sorry bye).

Unfortunately there is more to say about Arata’s rejection though (which I am breaking up into smaller points).

2.1 - THE TONE OF ARATA’S “REJECTION”

I think one of the biggest problems with Arata’s “rejection” (or simply the confirmation that he didn’t get another shot when he moved to Tokyo) is the tone. I don’t think Suetsugu intentionally meant to make it funny (I can’t say for sure)… However, the abruptness of it IS SO COMEDIC FUNNIEST PART OF THE CHAPTER FR.

Like when I first heard that Arata was rejected by Chihaya and Taichi telling him they were dating, I actually thought this can’t be serious and someone was making a joke. BUT IT WAS REAL. It goes from a beautifully deep line from Chihaya’s confession to Arata saying “WAIT A SECOND YOU TWO ARE DATING??” THE WHIPLASH SDKJNDKJ

Like I’m sorry IT IS SO FUNNYYYYYY the million periods on that one page was for me because I was in disbelief.

I think the problem here is due to the absolute ROCKET SPEED pace of the final chapter. For whatever reason, everything needed to happen in the final chapter with little breathing room. I don’t know if I agree with that writing choice… I think the story could have benefitted from stretching this stuff out over 2-3 chapters.

In my perfect world, there would maybe be a bit of set up and wouldn’t go from profoundly beautiful line that had me wiping my tears to comedy? Maybe have Chihaya and Taichi planning to tell Arata to show that they care about him? (Even though their expressions say that they feel very guilty and awkward about it). So then it feels less like a joke and more like two friends awkwardly trying to explain to their friend that they are dating and break his heart gently.

To be honest who even knows if Taichi and Chihaya walked up with the intention of telling him they were dating (again what is he a parent they need permission from?) Maybe Arata saw something and inquired? Maybe they were caught off guard and were going to tell him after the tournament or something. Again, it’s not clear LMAO. What was important were these two facts: that the story ended with Arata knowing he wouldn’t have a chance with Chihaya and that Chihaya and Taichi did in fact start dating.

So for those who thought Arata’s feelings of love were very serious and profound and deserve to be treated with respect I can understand hell I can even respect why the comedic tone of his “rejection” would upset you. Even I was slightly /expecting/ a private conversation… not whatever this was.

However, again I think people projected that Arata’s feelings for Chihaya were a lot deeper then what they actually were. Perhaps this abrupt reaction is meant to say that his feelings were not as deep as people thought and he is a person who is able to brush it off and be happy for his friends? I guess he has more emotional maturity in that way… But he still has to make his stinky little joke. He’s 18 years old and I forgive him.

It’s his growth!! He looks like he’s about to throw hands with Taichi but instead he sticks with his incel joke!

I do get also why people were led to believe there would be some epic conclusion or at least thoughtful rejection because Arata still confessed to Suou that he was playing alongside the girl he liked. So it’s the result of the love triangle being kept so strictly ambiguous to the bitter end (after 246 you should have known but ok) that really did make some people look like clowns at the end. I admit, it could have easily been me, in your shoes. But I acknowledged my clowndom at every turn, so if it all backfired on me I could have left with a morsel of my pride.

So essentially yeah I think the tone being comedic was /probably/ the wrong choice. (Again what happened wasn’t comedic it was the abruptness which was comedic). However the tone was fine for me though. I liked having a little laugh after all of the trauma this manga put me through. Arata king you’re the funniest little guy fr.

2.2- ARATA’S STINKY JOKE

I don’t hate that Arata made a lighthearted joke and teased Taichi one last time after getting rejected (like the demon of Karuta he is). What I hated is the content of the joke. It felt very “wink wink nudge nudge” to the reader- like haha Taichi and Chihaya are long distance now and their proximity was THE ONLY REASON THEY FELL IN LOVE! (It never was).

You see I am of the belief that Arata blamed things outside of his control (living in Fukui) rather than focusing on the things he could control. Like responding to fking emails or text messages OR GIVING CHIHAYA YOUR NUMBER AND NOT TAICHI, BITCH BOY?? (I’m fine).

Like he is like “I am so lonely because I am not next to my friends” instead of trying to make friends with the people who lived around him too? Like ARATA I really feel for you, because you just like me fr.

So yeah, Arata’s joke did not land for me. It could go, and I would be happier. Also it makes Arata look like he didn’t have his moment of growing up even though his he was managing his negative emotions very well while his heart was being stomped on (those who know, know).

Let me reiterate, I don’t hate the fact that he made a joke, just that particular joke I dislike. My joke of choice: “haha you guys only announced it now because you want the Meijin to fumble in the tournament, nice try I’ll smoke your asses”

2.3 WHAT ABOUT CHIHAYA’S GROWTH?

This is the only argument I can /somewhat/ get behind. That if Chihaya had been able to reject Arata in a more formal manner then it would show how much she has grown. Yes, because one of Chihaya’s central themes is that she doesn’t know how to express herself at least in words and has a difficulty forming connections with people.

That’s why she clings to Karuta because it makes it easier for her to connect. However, I’m not too too mad that Chihaya still continues to have difficulty expressing herself. She told Taichi she loved him with a simple “I love you” and she rejects Arata with “I am dating Taichi”. Though simple, in both cases they clearly express Chihaya’s feelings.

That brings us to the whole thing of people being like “BUT SHE WROTE ARATA POEMS!!!” Like it’s some kind of GOTCHA that Chihaya always loved Arata and the author “forgot” INSTEAD OF IT BEING PURPOSEFUL? The point was her poetry was VERY BAD and that she still even there couldn’t express how she was feeling very well. SHE COULDN’T WRITE A POEM.

So while Chihaya has grown it is not so on the nose that by the time she leaves high school she is a perfectly articulated person with an elegance to with her words… Sometimes that is a struggle you work on for your entire life. The point is she has grown from the start, instead of forgetting Arata’s confession for like what was it 6 months? She makes sure to tell him the minute she sees him in person. Eyyyoo. Also she continued to reflect on her feelings and thought about love not just being the person you want to play in Karuta but something more profound.

I also think the bond that Chihaya and Arata shared was about as clear as the bond Taichi and Chihaya shared. Chihaya never explicitly discussed how important Taichi was to her to him EVEN IN HER CONFESSION… so why should she have to tell Arata that he’s important???

Then there was this idea that Chihaya needed to “earn” back Arata’s friendship after rejecting him (by telling him of his importance). DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN HEAR YOURSELF?? You said Taichi shouldn’t have quit the club, he should have suffered through it and not received a single thing from Chihaya but yeah Chihaya needed to EARN Arata’s friendship. BE SERIOUS LISTEN TO THE WORDS COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND THEN REFLECT ON YOUR OWN SHORTCOMINGS!! I CAN’T DO IT FOR YOU NO MORE.

Like there is just so many double standards for the way people wanted Arata to be treated vs. how they were cool with the way that evil villain Taichi was treated.

TL;DR

Arata did not need a private conversation with Chihaya where she reassured him of his worth as her friend or their platonic love. It parallels the simple way Chihaya communicated her feelings with Taichi. Arata did however need to be given time to “grow up” but it did actually happen in the bonus chapter. We see how the three of them have mended their friendship despite going down different paths- they are united though Karuta. I do think there is some merit to the idea that Arata’s rejection would benefit from a few more pages of set up so the tone wouldn’t be so comedic.

Overall there are some flaws in how Arata’s rejection was executed but nothing that breaks the story. Unless you were very invested in the seriousness of Arata’s feelings of love. You guys said you can’t find your soulmate at 18 you know that applies for Chiharata too right??

I’m crying because I’ve only really broken down two points of criticism and yet I’ve been talking shit for so long. SO unfortunately there will be a part 2 to this discussion that I will write /someday/ because I have only just scratched the surface. Just it probably won’t happen very soon because I AM TIRED GRANDPA.

But if you do want to see it like you’re gonna have to respond to this wall of text otherwise I won’t do it this took me so fking long LMAO.

SPECIAL THANKS TO @/AIMEEEFACE ON TWITTER FOR BOUNCING IDEAS AND I MAY HAVE INCORPORATED SOME OF HER THOUGHTS HERE ON MANY OCCASIONS

Thanks Charles Outty

#chihayafuru #Chihayafuru manga #chihayafuru spoilers #chihaya ayase #taichihaya #chihayafuru thoughts #taichi mashima #Chihayafuru ending #Chihayafuru ch 247 #manga #arata wataya

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stargirlfeyre · 1 year

Note

I know there’s some certain bias to this coz I’m a Feyre stan but I truly believe anti-ICs and Nesta stans are the most unhinged fandom. And when I say unhinged, they would literally put anyone who’s against Nesta into hell. I once discussed criticism of Nesta while claiming I love her coz I really do but I’m also aware of her faults like I am with all of the characters but they freaking cussed at me and told me I don’t understand female rage or her trauma and it’s so triggering for me because you would really stoop that low for a character?! Call me certain names because I don’t “understand” Nesta?! It’s just so cruel. I’m not even attacking that person or that character but to really degrade me as a person over a fictional character is so triggering.

I wish for this fandom especially Nesta stans to actually consider that you are talking to a person and you are attacking a literal person over something that does not exist. I don’t care if she is something you relate to, the way you will cross boundaries and will literally spew rightouessness and morals of a character but you can’t even practice that in real life? Fuck you! I sincerely can’t take them seriously after that. The rage I have over that Nesta stan and their buddies ganging it up. Get off the internet if they’re going to act assholes about it.

No they’re literally like a fucking cult it’s insane. They preach about Feysands being horrible insensitive people but will then get their followers to jump someone because their too cowardly to argue by themselves. People tend to think they’re right in an argument when others agree with them. You ever notice how they’ll sometimes post screenshots of people’s post/comments instead of outright addressing that person? Username and everything? And usually that person gets harassed by hate anons. They’re really nothing but a bunch of weirdos who can’t fight battles unless someone is backing them up.

I don’t take this whole discussion of “female rage” and “trauma” seriously in this fandom. Especially when those terms are only thrown around when it’s time to defend Nesta’s disgusting behavior. I don’t know about y’all but I’ve never been so enraged and angry at the world that I then start being misogynistic, classist, and ableist. Nesta is a TERRIBLE example of female rage. She’s a great example of white female rage tho. Down to her entitlement and victim complex.

I feel like being in this fandom is a very easy way to get triggered. The main problem with people in this fandom is they don’t know how to deal or talk about heavy topics. They basically just don’t know how to be decent human beings. Nesta stans are just way too attached to her character to the point when it’s literally making them insane. You shouldn’t be insulting someone (who you don’t even know) because they don’t like ink on paper.

And the funniest thing about all of this is they genuinely don’t see how horrible they act. They don’t see anything wrong with their behavior. I can admit that some of the shit I say about these characters isn’t nice and can be taken the wrong way. Nesta fans will say the most degrading misogynistic shit about a female character and then will act confused when you tell them it’s weird. I try not to make conclusions about people behind a screen based on how they act online but I genuinely think in real life most of these people are insufferable.

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amazingmsme · 2 years

Text

Dare to be Bold

AN: Wowie this was a lot longer than I intended it to be, at almost 10k words! I loved writing this so much, it was a blast. Thanks for the prompts y’all, you help me feed my critical role fixation. Spent all day reading & tweaking this, so here it is fresh outta the oven!

The Mighty Nein were all intrigued by Essek to say the least. He was mild mannered, composed, quiet, and nice enough... There had to be another side to him, one where he wasn't the perfect image that he portrayed when people were around. He had to relax and let his guard down sometime. He had to act like a real person instead of the stuffy shadowhand charged with keeping tabs on them.

He only ever stopped by on business. Checking up on them, giving them a new task; it was never just to hang out. The longest he'd stay at their house was to teach Caleb new spells, and the fellow wizard was the only one he'd spend quality time with.

There had to be more to him. He has a favorite food, a favorite song, a secret birthmark somewhere, he has his own life separate from work. Or at least that's what Jester was sure of. She really wanted him to be their friend instead of strictly business partners, but he seemed dead set of keeping their relationship distant and professional. He was gathering his things and was about to head out the door when Jester spoke up.

"How come you never stay? I feel like I barely know you," she mused, propping her face in her hands. He let out a warm chuckle.

"And I'd prefer to keep it that way. I'm a busy man, surely you understand," he said with a small smile.

"What's your favorite color?" she asked, cocking her head to the side. His patient smile grew slightly more genuine. "Navy blue."

"What's your favorite season?"

"I don't think I have one, really."

"What's like, the weirdest dream you've ever had?"

"Does she always ask this many questions?" Essek asked with slight amusement.

"Ah, only sometimes," Caleb said, sharing an amused look with Jester. She just beamed up at him.

"Well I want to know some things about him. I'm sorry Essek, but right now your personality is like cardboard." Caleb's jaw dropped in disbelief and embarrassment as Essek dipped his head down to try and hide his amusement.

"Jester!"

"What? It's the truth, he always acts so proper and boring, like it's such a chore to come see us," she whined.

"That's because it is his job," Caleb said, fixing her with a look. She merely giggled.

"It's alright Caleb. I'm just, more serious and professional than what you're used to," he said to Jester.

"Hey, I can be serious too ya know," she said, schooling her features into a tough expression. Essek merely nodded, eyebrows raised.

"Oh I'm sure you are. After all, I don't think you all could survive the work you do if you were so foolish all the time," he teased. She scoffed indignantly, but a wide smile was in place.

"Wow, I didn't think you even knew how to tease someone. That was really good," she giggled, holding out her hand for a high five. He looked at her hand, casting a quick glance at Caleb before turning away and opening the door.

"Yes well, thank you. Have a good day."

"Why not stay for dinner? You've never taken us up on the offer and Caduceus is a really good cook."

"I'm afraid I'm busy tonight. But I have another lesson with Caleb tomorrow, I'll see if I can clear my schedule then." She gasped and jumped up from her seat in excitement.

"Oh my gosh, really? Waaait... you're not just saying that to make me shut up, are you?" she asked incredulously. Caleb shot her another look, which she ignored.

"Not at all Miss Lavorre. I am a man of my word," he said.

"Alright, leave him be, you've pestered him long enough," Caleb chastised.

"You just want him all to yourself so he can teach you cool wizard shit," she said pointedly.

"Exactly. Now shoo," he teased, waving her away.

"Bye Essek!" she chirped, rushing forth to wrap him in a hug before he could escape. He let out a startled laugh, hesitantly wrapping his arms around her and giving her back an awkward pat.

"Ah that's right you are rather... affectionate," he said, pausing to find the right word.

"Damn right I am!" She punctuate her words with a playful poke to his side, causing him to stiffen up and suck in a startled breath.

"Right then. S-see you tomorrow," he said, slipping out of her grasp and through the door with little more than a wave. When Caleb turned back around, Jester was staring at him with an excited, shocked expression.

"Uh oh, that's never a good look," he said, meeting her gaze.

"Caleb, did you see what I just saw?" she asked excitedly.

"I'm going to go out on a limb and say no."

"I think Essek might be ticklish!" she exclaimed. Caleb did a double take towards the door, blinking in confusion. He turned back to her, brows furrowed and smirking.

"I'm sorry, you lost me. Just how did you come to this conclusion?" he asked, cocking his head to the side.

"Just now when I poked him, he jerked away and got like, super still. And I heard him gasp like he wanted to laugh but was holding back," she explained. Caleb rubbed his temple.

"Or more likely, he is a man of great importance and high status and is not accustom to weirdos like us touching him all the time, ja? I like my reasoning better." She rolled her eye with a pout.

"Oh come on Caleb, don't be such a buzz kill! Mama always said, everyone's ticklish somewhere, you just gotta try the right spot!" Caleb's eyes went wide and he shook his head.

"Nein Jester, I know what you're thinking. You cannot test this out," he said sternly. Jester deflated.

"But whyyyy?"

"Many reasons why. For starters, he could put in a bad word with the Bright Queen. He is a powerful and well respected man who deserves that respect, and who might retaliate if we upset him. He could kick us out of this new lovely home, or punish us for crossing a boundary-"

"Wow Caleb, could you come up with any more bad scenarios?" she asked in a mocking tone.

"I am merely thinking logically."

"But he stuttered Caleb! When has he ever stuttered?" she asked, desperate to make her point. Caleb cocked his head in thought.

"Never. Okay, so maybe you have a point. But you can't just go after him out of the blue like this," he decided.

"Okay but what if, like, someone he liked tested it out?" she asked innocently.

"Then that excludes all of us, case closed," he said pointedly.

"Well, he seems to like you..." she said sweetly, swaying from side to side. Realization dawned on Caleb's face and he shook his head.

"Oh no. No, I will not be a pawn in this little game of yours."

"Pleeeeaaaase? He'd probably like, break my wrist if I even tried."

"Ja, and I don't want mine to be broken either," he scolded.

"He'd never do that to you though. You two have this growing bond, I can sense these things." Her words caused a blush to spread over his cheeks, lips pressed together.

"N-no, I don't know what you think we do in there but it is strictly work. He's taught me a few spells and we talk about magic. That is the extent of our relationship," he said.

"Wow, you two sound like the most boring people ever," she said, flipping a lock of hair. Caleb scoffed, shoving her lightly.

"I'll have you know it's actually very fascinating."

"Not as fascinating as the fact he might be ticklish!" Jester insisted. Beauregard and Fjord just happened to be walking by and inserted themselves into the conversation.

"Who, Caleb?" Beau teased, scratching along his sides from behind making him squeal and arch his back. He shot her a glare as they all laughed.

"No silly, everyone knows Caleb's ticklish," Jester giggled, causing a noise of protest from said wizard. "I'm talking about Essek!" This piqued both their interests.

"No fuckin' way, Essek's ticklish?" Beauregard asked, excitement and disbelief clear in her voice. She wore a wide, dangerous smile and a mischievous gleam in her eye.

"Weeeell, we don't actually know like, for sure, but he totally squeaked when I poked him! I was just convincing Caleb to try it out tomorrow when he has his next lesson," she chirped.

"Ah, you were not convincing me of doing anything," Caleb denied. The monk sighed, shoulders sagging in disappointment.

"C'mon man, what's the worst that could happen? Just, y'know, take one of your quills and run it over those stupid long ears of his, it's not that hard," she reasoned.

"For starters, he could get very mad at me and never share any spells with me ever again. Or worse, he could use them against me. You seem to have forgotten that he has the potential to be a very dangerous man, a man who we know next to nothing about," Caleb insisted. "Fjord, back me up on this."

Fjord was quietly listening, mulling over the possibilities in his head. "You've got a point, we don't really know what he's about."

"See?" Caleb said, gesturing to Fjord and giving both Jester and Beauregard a smug, "I'm right" look. A look that faded upon hearing the following words from Fjord's mouth.

"Which is why I think it would be interesting if we were to find out," he continued with a smirk. Jester yelled in triumph and gave him a high five that left a satisfying sting.

"I don't think there'd be any harm in finding out," Beau shrugged.

"Well I do."

"Come on Caleb, don't be such a stick in the mud. I dare you to tickle Essek tomorrow," Jester said, grinning so wide her face was practically split in two. Caleb's eyes bugged out of his head, a red blush painting his cheeks.

"Excuse me?"

"I double dog dare you!" she cried, tail wagging mischievously behind her.

"Nein," he shook his head, adamant in his stance.

"I triple dog dare you!"

Caleb was unable to fight off the amused smile on his face. "Still no."

"It's okay Caleb. I don't think any of us actually thought you'd go through with it anyways," Beauregard said in a patronizing tone, patting his back. He reared back to look at her.

"And what the hell does that mean?"

She tilted her head side to side, shoulders hunched slightly. "Eeeehh, nothing. But you're not exactly known for being bold and playful."

"Well fuck you too, I'm plenty bold," he snapped defensively. Fjord was quick to diffuse the situation.

"Uh, what I think Beau means is that you're not one to stir the pot. Unless of course you're provoked," he winked, slinging an arm over his shoulders and giving him a gentle shake.

"And are you trying to provoke me right now?" he asked, arching a brow. Fjord would be lying if he said the anxious twitch of Caleb's fingers didn't awaken his fight or flight instinct.

"Why don't you keep that energy focused on Essek," he advised, stepping away from him nonetheless.

"See Caleb? You're totally a tickle monster when you want to be!" Jester cooed. His blush returned and he adverted his gaze to the ground, but he sported a sly smile.

"I know, you speak from experience," he teased. Jester let out a muffled squeak, wrapping her arms around her belly.

"Shut uuuup! This isn't about me!"

"Honestly, I don't even know why you all care so much. Fine, I will ask him."

Beauregard shook her head, arms crossed over her chest. "Uh uh, he'll just lie. You gotta test it." The smirk she wore was downright wicked, and Caleb was relieved that it wasn't directed at him for once.

"Sheisse. Alright I will. Are you happy now?" he asked, more frustrated and flustered than he was at the beginning of this conversation.

"I'll be satisfied if you actually go through with it."

"What, do you think I'm going to chicken out or something?"

"Uh yeah, that's exactly what I think," Beau said with a wide, teasing grin. "In fact, I bet five gold you won't actually do it," she said smugly.

"I'll second that," Fjord said with a nod, raising two fingers to signal that he was in on the bet as well. Caleb stared between them in shock.

"Are you serious right now?" he asked, mouth slightly agape.

"Dead serious."

"Good, as am I. Tomorrow, you will see that I didn't chicken out and I will be ten gold richer," he said matter of factly.

"We'll see about that," Fjord joined in on the teasing.

"Just wait, at around 3:30 you will most likely hear a lot of laughter come from my room. And if you don't, assume he killed me for even trying," he said, only half joking.

"That's the spirit! Oooh I can't wait!" Jester cried with excitement.

Of course she immediately rushed off to spread the news to the rest of their group, giddy with excitement. Needless to say, everyone was eager to find out what would happen the following day. Tomorrow came soon enough, and when Essek arrived, he immediately picked up on the energy in the house. There was almost a tangible excitement buzzing in the air and he looked around the entryway with a judging eye. It was no surprise that Jester was the first to greet him.

"Helloooo how are you todaaaay?" she asked in her usual quirky drawl.

"I am fine," he hummed, continuing to scan his surroundings. Jester gave a small pout.

"You don't look fine, you look all grumpy," she pointed out.

"Just have a lot on my mind I suppose. Where's Caleb?"

"Right here," Caleb said, walking down the stairs. "Sorry, I was setting things up," he apologized. His hair was a bit disheveled and he couldn't tear his eyes away from the shadowhand. If he seemed more anxious than usual, Essek didn't comment on it.

"No worries. Let's get started then, shall we?" Caleb gave a curt nod, leading him up to his room. "Are we not studying in the tower today?" Essek asked.

"Nein, I am feeling a little lazy today, I'd rather stay in my room," he lied easily. The real reason being that he promised the rest of the mighty nein that he would keep them within earshot to prove he actually followed through.

"Not too lazy to learn I hope," Essek said, unamused.

"I could never be too lazy for that," he replied, a wide grin in place. They reached his door and Caleb held it open for him, allowing Essek to walk in first.

"Hm, your room is just as tidy and drab as I imagined it," he hummed, walking over to the desk. Caleb blushed at the backhanded compliment, fumbling for words.

"W-well we haven't had the chance to get much decor," he reasoned. After that snide little comment, he couldn't wait for 3:30.

"Your friends seemed... excited about something," Essek spoke up as he laid out various scrolls and spell components. He watched carefully as Caleb went a little stiff. "Any particular reason?"

"Not that I'm aware of, but they are an excitable bunch, ja?" Essek looked him up and down with a hum.

"Indeed. Well, we shouldn't waste much time. Let's get to it, shall we?" he asked, pulling a chair next to the bed where all the pages were spread out. Caleb's desk was a little small for what they had planned for today. Caleb himself sat on the bed, propped up with pillows with his legs stretched out.

"You can sit on the bed if you'd like, it's more comfortable than that chair," he invited, figuring this would be easier if he started warming up to him now.

"Uh, thank you but the chair is more than fine." Caleb had to shift the page he was holding to hide his smirk. Before he had arrived, Caleb had cast a simple spell on the chair to make it more uncomfortable the longer you sat in it. He was quite proud of it. That chair wouldn't be "fine" for very long.

"You're looking rather smug. Mind sharing with the class?" Essek asked, cocking his head to the side. Caleb startled at the question. He couldn't get caught this early, money (and his pride) was on the line.

"I am just a little... giddy about today's lesson. A lot of pranking potential in making objects lose their gravity," he mused. It was easier to lie because there was so much truth wrapped in his words. Essek let out a smooth, practiced chuckle and shook his head.

"I didn't picture you as the pranking type," he mused.

"That's because you don't know me," Caleb said, being so bold as to shoot him a wink. Essek blinked in suprise, looking him up and down.

"Hm, I suppose I don't." He went back to the pages of spells in front of them, but before he could continue with his teachings, Caleb spoke up once more.

"I have to be."

"What was that?" Essek asked without looking up.

Caleb continued, "I have to be the pranking type if I am to fit in with the group. I must admit, it is fun. It makes me feel normal again, and less like the man I have become." He now had Essek's full attention, his expression hard to read.

"And who is that man?" he asked, leaning forward. Caleb noticed him shifting in the chair uncomfortably, trying to find a better position.

"I thought I knew, but now I'm not as sure," he said, staring deep into his eyes.

It took a moment for Essek to answer. "You are a powerful man, Mr. Widogast. You're practically dripping with potential, I can see what the Assembly saw in you. But you must be careful who you let shape you. And while this group you've found yourself in is... eccentric, I can tell they have been good for you."

Well this suddenly got personal. A little too personal for Caleb's liking, but his words did offer a comfort. "Thank you, Herr Thelyss," he said with a soft smile. "But please call me Caleb. Mr. Widogast doesn't sound right," he said, a smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth. Essek returned it with a smug smile of his own.

"In that case, just call me Essek. I think we're well past the point of formalities."

You have no idea, Caleb wanted to say, but he was smart enough to keep that to himself. Essek's face scrunched up in discomfort, wiggling in the seat. When that still didn't work, he crossed one leg over the other, then crossed them the other way. With a defeated huff, he pushed the chair away and sat on the edge of the bed. His posture was ramrod straight, his body tense as he sat as far from Caleb as he could.

He rolled his eyes, clearing a larger space and patting the spot next to him. "Sheisse, you act as though I'll burn you if you get too close. I don't bite," he teased. Essek let out a nervous chuckle, conceding by resting his legs on the mattress, stretched out in front of him.

"I'd be concerned if you did," he teased right back.

"Jester will be pleased to know you actually have a sense of humor," he mused as he copied a spell.

"Was that ever up for debate?" he asked incredulously.

"Oh you'd be surprised."

"I'll have you know I can be quite hilarious," he insisted.

"I'll believe it when I see it," he countered smugly. Essek scoffed and bumped their shoulders together, making Caleb's smile grow. Caleb glanced down at his feet, brows furrowing.

"No shoes on the bed please. I know your feet never touch the ground, but still," he requested. Essek complied, easily slipping them off. He set them off to the side with a wave of his hand.

"Of course, it is your room after all." Perhaps this was going to be easier than he thought.

They study for an hour and a half, Essek teaching and explaining a few new spells. 15 minutes left until 3:30... Within their study session, he's been twitchy and restless. His leg shook as he recited the verbal components of one of the spells, Essek's eyes glued to his movements.

"You're quite fidgety for someone claiming to be so lazy," he noted. Caleb immediately forced his leg to still, looking like a deer caught in headlights.

"Ah, just some pent up energy I suppose," he excused. They both jumped out of their skin when a knock rapped against the door.

"Who is it?" Caleb asked, scrambling off the bed the same time the door opened.

"It's just me- oh. Don't you two look cozy," Caduceus said in his usual calm, polite manner. Both wizards were blushing profusely, Caleb in the middle of crawling over Essek's legs in an attempt to go open the door before he came in. It left them in quite the position.

"What do you want Caduceus?" Caleb hissed. He had told all of them to leave them alone! And he had been sure he'd locked his door.

"I come bearing refreshments," he said, holding up a tray with two glasses on top. "It's a new blend of green tea and jasmine, mixed with some fresh lemonade." Caleb sighed, pressing his fingers to his temple and rubbing as he walked over to his friend. He took the glasses from him.

"Thank you Caduceus, but I would appreciate it if you would wait for me to open the door next time, ja?" he asked, annoyance laced in his voice.

"Sorry, I didn't know what I was walking in on," he apologized. Caleb's blush returned as he escorted him out.

"You walked in on nothing! We are just studying, now please leave I have a lot of work to do." Then, quietly he leaned in and whisper-scolded, "Do you know what time it is? Leave me be I need privacy!"

"Again, sorry to interrupt. I just know how much la- er, spell casting works up a thirst. Mhm, sorry, tickle in my throat," he feigned clearing his throat, winking at Caleb as he left. Essek watched with a scrutinizing gaze, studying Caleb a little closer. He seemed more frazzled than earlier, but then again so would anyone if they'd been walked in on in such a manner.

"What was that?" he asked, fixing him with a studious glare and a raised brow.

"Nothing, y-you know how Caduceus is," he brushed off the question not as smoothly as he hoped. When Essek didn't reply, he rambled on, "Always checking up on people." He hesitated before walking back over to his bed. Essek scooted over against the wall so that Caleb wouldn't have to climb over him to get in his previous seat.

"What were the two of you whispering about?" Essek asked once he settled back down. Caleb refused to meet his eyes.

"Nothing. I was just, ah, getting onto him for barging in here like that."

"Is that so?" he questioned further.

"Ya, it is," he insisted, using all the strength he had not to back down. Essek merely hummed, going back to his teachings. He seemed more guarded and weary of him than before.

Caleb knew the moment 3:30 hit. Now or never. He tried to go about it subtly, reaching down to grab his knee as he shifted his position on the bed. Essek jerked away with a startled gasp.

"What do you think you're doing?" he asked, hand clasped tightly around his wrist. Maybe he would break it...

"Um, getting comfy. Sorry, I didn't mean to touch you," he apologized, but couldn't hide the growing smirk.

"Is that why you're smiling like an idiot then?" he asked, his former amusement flown out the window. Caleb blushed, said smile wiped from his face. For good measure, he hid his mouth behind his hand.

Now that he was being all huffy, Essek was really getting on his nerves. He deserved every bit of this, he justified. And so Caleb reached up to scratch along his beard, holding his long feather quill as he did so. Watching from the corner of his eye, he made sure to run it over the shell of Essek's ear, just like Beau said. And it was worth it.

Essek jerked away with a surprised yelp, fixing him with a death glare. Caleb continued to act innocent, scratching his chin. When he "noticed" his harsh look he froze, looking at his hand and the soft feather held between two fingers. He gave a sheepish grin.

"Ah, sorry I didn't realize I was still holding it. I didn't mean to tickle you," he apologized. Essek sputtered, a soft purple blush spreading over his cheeks.

"You did no such thing, so no apology necessary," he lied. Caleb tilted his head to look at him.

"You sure about that? You acted pretty ticklish to me. And trust me, I've been around the Nein long enough to know what that looks like," he teased, but also gave him a chance to revoke his lie.

"Well I am not, and I suggest you keep your hands to yourself," he advised in a harsh tone.

"Okaaay," he said, going back to his work. He grumbled under his breath, "Seemed pretty ticklish though," he said more to himself than anything.

"Well I'm not, so drop it," he demanded. Caleb's eyes widened, not expecting the shadowhand to be so defensive. As if to challenge him, he raised the feather once more and gave his ear another swipe. This time, a short giggle followed.

"Surely you of all people know that lying is a punishable offense," he teased. Essek scrunched his shoulders up high in an attempt to block his horrible touches.

"Nohohot for mehe!" he scolded through giggles, reaching up to snatch Caleb's wrist. He didn't try to struggle or pull away, but rather leaned in closer. The stern anger on Essek's face melted to nervousness as he leaned away.

"Are you saying that you are above the consequences of your actions?" Caleb asked, a growing smirk overtaking his features.

"N-no, no one is-" Caleb cut him off with another flutter of the feather to his ear. An uncharacteristically high pitched giggle escaped him as realization dawned on him. He was trapped. This whole thing was a trap. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you had planned this from the beginning," he accused.

"As usual you are right." Before Essek could react, Caleb's hand darted down to his knee and squeezed. Much to his delight and Essek's horror, he snorted very loud. His eyes went wide, both hands covering his mouth in shock. Caleb was grinning ear to ear, letting out a few snickers of his own, the bastard. He went back to squeezing his knee, this time going after both of them. He let out a slightly muffled squeak before falling victim to a fit of loud laughter.

"Stohohop this ahahat once!" he demanded, trying to scamper away on the bed. Caleb grabbed his legs to keep him in place, but allowed him a moment to catch his breath. "Alright, but only for a second."

"Whahat the fuck do you think you're doing?" Essek hissed, reaching to try and pry his grip loose. His grip was surprisingly strong.

"Tickling you, what else?" he asked nonchalantly, as if it was the stupidest question in the world. To make matters worse, he reached under him to scribble the backs of his knees as he asked. Essek snorted again before bursting into melodious laughter, tucking his knees in and managed to roll onto his side. His cheeks were growing a darker shade of purple before he grabbed his shirt's collar and pulled it up to hide his face.

"Oh no you don't. You can't hide from me," he tsked, pulling it back down. He used the opportunity to scratch under his chin, earning a giggly shriek. His chin slammed down to the base of his neck, trapping Caleb's fingers. His nose scrunched up as giggles and snickers continued to pour from his mouth.

"Hehe, you look like you have a double chin right now," he teased, wiggling his trapped fingers. There was a flash of anger for a brief second before utter embarrassment took over. He closed his eyes so he wouldn't have to look at Caleb's dumb, happy, smug face. Okay, maybe he peaked every few seconds.

"Quit ihihit or ehelse you'll rehehegret being bohohorn!" he threatened. He was as intimidating as anyone in that position would be. Caleb knew in the back of his mind that he should heed the warning. That's what the last shred of self preservation he does have tells him. But if he doesn't listen to that part of his brain in a life threatening fight, there's no way he'd listen to it now when he's having this much fun.

"Already way ahead of you," he joked at his own expense, shifting Essek's legs into a headlock. Essek's brows shot up to meet his hairline, frantically shaking his head. "I bet these are rather sensitive seeing as you never bother to use them," he taunted, scratching up his arches.

"Why ahahare you dohohoing thihis? Ihihi thought you wehere mature!" he cried out indignantly. His head was tossed back as hysterical laughter flew from his open mouthed smile.

"I have my pride and 10 gold on the line. You understand," he shrugged, not seeming apologetic at all. Ah, so it was some sort of bet. Blunt nails scratched at his heels and he kicked out as much as he could. "Wow, you're feet are very soft. Did you know that?" Caleb asked, and you could just hear the joy in his voice.

"Yehehes I knohohow! Give thehehem bahack!" he cried out, falling victim to a bout of cackles and shrieks.

"I don't really feel like it," he said, walking his fingers up to the balls of his feet. Essek shook his head, eyes filled with a thrilled kind of terror.

"Don't you dahahare go any farther," he warned, reaching down to shove him away, but Caleb blocked him. Instead of a verbal answer, he started scribbling just underneath his toes. A surprisingly girlish squeal pierced the air and he scrunched his feet in an attempt to lessen the ticklish feeling.

"See, that's what this all started out as: a dare. But now we're both enjoying ourselves," he teased, shooting him a wink as his dexterous fingers wormed their way between each toe. Essek shrieked, cheeks a dark purple.

"I-I ahaham nohohot! Whahatever mahahakes you thihink that?" Essek asked indignantly. Caleb's grin nearly split his face in two.

"For starters, you're laughing way too much to not be at least a little happy," he teased, squeezing both of his knees all of a sudden. He kicked out with a snort.

"Y-you're mahahaking mehehe!" he whined. Caleb shrugged smugly.

"Ja, I am, aren't I hilarious? But we both know you could easily make me stop. I'm not exactly strong," he pointed out, knowing from experience how flustering it was to be called out on your true thoughts on the matter. Essek shook his head, reaching up to cover his ears so he wouldn't have to listen to his teasing. For some reason, he thought Caleb wouldn't be such a tease. How foolish he'd been.

"Ihihif I could concehehentrate you'd behehe dead!" he continued his thinly veiled threats. Caleb actually cooed at him, leaning into his personal space as his fingers spidered up his ribs. Essek shrieked, arms crashing down to press against his sides.

Caleb tsked, shaking his head. "There you go again, trapping my fingers. Almost like you don't want me to stop," he teased with a wink, setting Essek's already profound blush aflame.

"Ihihi most certainly dohoho!" he tried to scold through his hysterics.

"Tell you what, if you can lift your arms so I can get my hands back, I'll stop," Caleb bargained. Essek shook his head as laughter poured from his lips. Caleb's brows shot up in surprise, his grin growing. "No? And why not?"

"Ihihi cahan feel you c-crossed your fihihingers! You're lying!" he spat out. Caleb gave a smug yet sheepish smile, shrugging his shoulder. He uncrossed his fingers, wiggling them in between his ribs earning another shriek of laughter.

"Guilty. Okay okay okay, now lift your arms and I'll stop for real this time," he promised. Essek glared at him through watery eyes, tears of mirth streaming down his cheeks and he wore a bright smile. Essek studied him even through his hysterics judging whether or not he should believe him. Finally, he slowly lifted his arms with a great deal of hesitation. His arms would jerk down a bit as he watched Caleb for any signs of an attack. Caleb only continued to smile the most dazzling smile Essek had seen from the man. Damn him.

Then his eyes flashed with a mixture of mischief and danger and before Essek could get away, he dug his fingers into his willingly exposed hollows.

"You fuhuhucking trahahaitor!" he yelled, immediately curling in a ball, arms pressed to his sides. Caleb laughed along with him, pulling his hands out from under his arms. Their laughter faded into the air, Caleb's much sooner than Essek's.

"Ohoho man, I'm sorry friend but I was having too much fun to stop," he apologized, patting his shoulder.

He greedily sucked in air, reaching out for the iced tea Caduceus had brought and gulped a quarter of it down. He smacked his lips, looking at the glass with a pleased expression, muttering under his breath, "Damn it, that's good." He took another large sip and set it down, flopping onto the mattress in an exhausted motion. He shot a glare at Caleb, "What the hell was that for?"

"Well, like I said; I was dared and then money got involved. But ah, you might've been laughing too hard to hear me," he teased with a wink. Just when his blush began to fade, it returned in full force.

"So... you were planning this from the start," Essek mused from where he laid on the bed.

"Yes, but you should know I was adamantly against it," Caleb said, hoping to smooth things over.

"And yet here you are: luring me here under false pretenses to torture and make a fool out of me. Besides, you clearly weren't very opposed to the idea." He regained his breath rather quickly, and when he turned to look at Caleb, all that mirth was gone. His features were set in a harsh glare and a fire burned in his eyes.

Caleb's own happy expression immediately fell from his face. "No! No that's not what I did at all! I really do appreciate our time together and learning these spells," he assured. "We did not do this to mock or make fun of you. Jester was just curious and got a little carried away-"

"Oh but you are the one who got carried away, if my aching belly is any proof," he sassed, raising to a sitting position. "I warned you multiple times to stop, and yet you ignored my pleas." Caleb looked down at the mattress, feeling guilty.

"I am sorry, but I've never heard you laugh like that before. And it felt nice to, y'know, be the one to make you lose your shit like that," he said, not meeting his gaze. Essek's expression softened for a moment.

"I... agree, that is the most I've laughed in quite some time. But there are other ways you know. Sure it might not be as- unhinged as what you just heard, but you could get a chuckle out of me. And I would think that would be more than enough," he scolded. And just because he could, he smacked Caleb upside the head. It wasn't meant to hurt, but rather to reprimand and startle him. And maybe make him feel a little more guilty than he already was.

"I-I know, I tried to tell them, but then they said I didn't have the guts to test it out. And by then I was more than a little curious myself," he rambled. "I really am sorry if I made you think we were doing this to make fun of you. We respect you. I respect you." He finally managed to look him in the eye. Then the corners of his lips tugged upwards as he looked back at the bed. "And just because the whole house heard you giggling like a school girl doesn't mean we don't."

The gentle expression that had managed to find Essek's face dropped upon hearing the teasing. "Oh Caleb... they were right about you." Said wizard's head snapped up, a confused and startled look on his face.

"What?" he breathed out.

"You really have no self preservation, do you?" he asked, amusement and mock sympathy lacing his voice. Caleb's brows shot up in surprise and he turned to make a run for it, only for his door to lock itself. He winced, standing there in the middle of his room and slowly turned to face Essek.

He'd seen that look before, and it never boded well for whoever it was directed at. It was a look of anger and determination, and it was utterly terrifying. Celeb felt himself shrink under such a gaze as he loomed closer.

"I-I'm sorry Essek, I really am. I-if you never want to teach me magic again, or if you want to take away the spells I just learned, I won't stop you. You have every right to-" Essek held his hand up to stop his ramblings.

"I do not wish for any of those things. But you will not get out of this unscathed." Without warning, or perhaps that was his warning, Essek cast hold person on him, and Caleb's never felt more screwed in his life. His eyes went wide and a nervous grin overtook his features. He cracked his knuckles, taking a step forward.

"Essek, please, I said I'm sorry. T-there's no need for this! I mean, do you really want to stoop to our level?" Essek leaned in, resting his hands on the dips of his sides. Caleb gasped, biting his lip to try and contain any sounds.

He whispered in his ear, "Right now, I'd love nothing more." Caleb was speechless as Essek leaned back to look directly at him. "Oh and just so you know, I won't stop until I feel like it, regardless of begging. After all, that's what you did to me," he said. He looked to the ground, shaking his head with a low chuckle. "Remember, you brought this on yourself."

Caleb whimpered at the teasing remark, trying to resist the spell and break free, but Essek grabbed his still body and plopped him onto the bed. Essek took a moment to position him, lifting his arms above his head without struggle.

"Please, you don't have to do this! I said I'm sorry, I won't do it again," he pleaded as he watched him roll his shirt up to expose his stomach. He yelped, more out of anticipation and nerves than anything.

"Oh but I'm afraid I have to. I must make an example out of you, so your friends will know what will happen to them if they are to be so bold," he spoke in a calm, even manner that sent chills up Caleb's spine. He couldn't even squirm... he'd really dug his own grave. A surprised, breathy giggle slipped out as Essek spidered his fingers over the soft skin. "Besides, what kind of friend would I be if I didn't get some well deserved revenge?" he asked, flashing a genuine smile. Even through his giggles he breathed a sigh of relief, knowing Essek wasn't as mad as he expected. But of course, that didn't mean he wouldn't make him live through hell.

"A-aha, so you ahahadmit we're friends?" Caleb asked, sucking his belly in. His fingers followed easily and began to pick up speed.

"Well, I never outright denied the claim. And if we're apparently comfortable doing this, I guess we are," he said, sounding a little surprised himself. As though the prospect of them actually being friends rather than work companions was entirely new. He shook himself out of the thought, prodding up his sides.

Caleb shrieked, a bought of bright laughter filling the air. His immediate reaction was rather pleasing for Essek to hear. He squeezed his fleshy sides, eliciting a loud snort. Essek's smile widened at the sound.

"You're this ticklish and you decided to test your luck with me? Not your brightest moment," he teased. His fingers prodded and vibrated on his stomach, and if he could, Caleb would've curled into a ball by now.

"Shuhuhut up!" he snapped, cheeks turning red. Essek's jaw dropped in shock, digging his fingers in a little more and picking up the pace. His hysterical giggling turned to deep bellylaughs, and his arms strained to pull down against the spell.

"Have you no manners, or do you just want me to tickle you stupid?" he asked in a huff. Poor Caleb's blush turned a shade darker from the mean taunt. To make matters worse, he couldn't even shake his head. So he had to answer verbally, lest Essek think he actually does want that.

"Nohoho dohohon't!" he squealed, trying with all his might to save himself against the spell. Due to his persistent laughter, it was an epic failure.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't," he said, fingers crawling up his ribs.

"Ihihit tihihihickles!" he squealed, nose scrunched up adorably as he laughed. Essek chuckled along with him.

"I said to give a reason why I should stop, not to keep going," he teased, pinching at his lowest ribs. His laughter spiked and his body twitched, slowly beginning to regain the ability to move. Essek took notice before eyeing the book holsters on Caleb's chest. He traced around them and his giggling turned more nervous and hysteric.

"Nehehein, nein nohohot thehere!" he pleaded. In that moment, Caleb looked happier than Essek had ever seen him. Perhaps he could understand how he had gotten so carried away with his own torture.

"A good spot I presume?" he asked, taking advantage of the last of the spell to unclip the holster and slide it off. Caleb whined in protest, eyes closed and head tilted back. "I'll take that as a yes," he mused, ghosting his hands over the newly exposed spot. Caleb shrieked before loud, carefree laughter flowed from his lips.

Essek scratched between the spaces of his previously (semi) protected ribs, eliciting a very loud snort from the other wizard. It fueled his embarrassment enough for him to break the spell in order to hide his cherry red face behind his hands.

"Show me that happy face, or I might be compelled to cast again," he threatened playfully. Caleb squealed but shook his head, rolling onto his side. He tucked his knees to his chest, forming a tight ball. Essek grabbed his wrists in one hand to pull them away. Caleb tried to fight him off, but his arms were pulled over his head once more.

Essek wore a triumphant smirk as he leaned in, "I know your friends tease you about being weak, but this is ridiculous," he taunted, scratching his exposed hollow. Caleb let out a scream of laughter, writhing underneath him.

"Shuhut uhuhup! Ihihi cahahan't!" he whined, body jolting as he switched to his other armpit. High pitched cackles escaped from his mouth and his legs kicked in the air frantically, as if he were riding a bicycle.

"You can't what? I'm afraid you'll have to be more clear," Essek said, clearly enjoying the reversal of power in this situation.

"Q-quit teheheasing arschloch," he managed to swear through hysterics.

"I may not speak Zemnian, but that certainly sounds a lot like asshole to me. And well, I can't let you get away with calling me that, now can I?" he asked, drilling his thumbs in the center of his underarms.

If Essek giggled like a little school girl, Caleb certainly shrieked like one. The hand returned to cover his mouth, barely muffling the snorts and cackles that followed. Unfortunately for Essek, it also hid that dazzling smile he didn't know he loved so much. Emotions began to swell in his chest; emotions he wasn't quite ready to deal with just yet. He should stop...

But not yet. He did grant him a quick breather as he straddled him, keeping him pinned. Caleb's hair was a wild mess, a few strands stuck to his forehead by a thin layer of sweat. His head flopped back as he panted for breath, letting out a low whine.

"You're being cruel. You're a cruel man, Essek Thelyss," he said in a slightly dazed voice. There was no venom in his words, and his smile remained prominent.

"Then you should keep that in mind the next time you try this," he practically purred. Caleb arched a brow, sweet grin morphing into a playful smirk.

"That insinuates that there will be a next time." Essek floundered for a moment, sputtering for an answer.

"T-there won't," he tried to sound stern.

"If you don't think I'm already planning ahead then you're foolish."

"You do realize I'm not done yet, right?" Essek teased, fluttering up his sides. He squeaked and fell into a stream of giggles, squirming underneath him. His hands crawled their way up to his neck where he cupped his face. Caleb froze, staring deep into his eyes. "You really are a glutton for punishment," he playfully chastised, scratching just behind his ears.

Caleb shrieked, trapped in an endless cycle of snorts and giggles. Essek's gentle hold around his neck made it impossible for him to toss his head around to escape the feeling, and it just heightened the torturously wonderful feeling of hopelessness he was in. If this was the consequences that came with fucking with Essek, then he'd have to mess with the man more often.

"Wow, you just get more ticklish the longer this goes on, don't you?" he asked, as if amazed. Caleb's never felt more flustered.

"T-thahahat's nohohot true!" he denied. Another snort slipped out, followed by shrill giggles.

"No? How about you prove it then," Essek challenged, a hungry, almost predatory look in his eye. His fingers slowed to a stop and he started to lean in. He was leaning in! Caleb licked his lips, closing his eyes as he craned his neck to meet him.

Suddenly, he felt a hand on top of his head, pulling it to the side to expose his neck. His eyes flew open, a sinking feeling in his stomach. "What-"

Essek's lips collided with the taut skin of his neck and he blew a loud raspberry that reverberated through the room. Caleb's reaction was immediate.

Hysterical cackling filled the air around him and he weakly shoved and smacked at Essek's shoulders and chest. "Nehehein thihihis ihisn't fahahair!" he squealed, body quickly turning to jelly.

As an answer, Essek blew another raspberry, renewing the laughing fit Caleb had been lost to. He made a show of pulling away, taking a comically deep breath.

Caleb frantically shook his head, "No no nohohoho! You bahahahastard, stohohop!" he pleaded. Essek repeated the process two more times on the other side of his neck before letting him go.

He curled up in a giggling heap, body still twitching from phantom touches that lingered on his skin.

"And that is what happens if you try to tickle me. Do keep that in mind," Essek said with a wink. Caleb whimpered, grabbing a pillow and shoving it over his face. "Oh don't be like that," Essek teased, poking his soft tummy a few times, wiggling his fingers a bit. Caleb squealed, a few short giggles slipping out as he smacked the offending hands. Essek pulled the pillow away without struggle, revealing a rather embarrassed, but happy, looking Caleb.

"I think your face matches your hair right now," he teased, moving some of the stray locks from his forehead. Caleb adverted his eyes, sitting up.

"Shut up, I can't help it. I embarrass easily," he complained. Essek's smile only grew.

"You're telling me." There was a quiet moment filled with a thick tension that neither of them decided to break. Essek smacked the tops of his thighs, standing up. "Well! I believe I must be going. I had another spell I wanted to teach you, but since you wasted our valuable time-"

"It definitely wasn't a waste," Caleb interrupted, a satisfied smile firmly in place. Essek blinked in surprise, taken aback by the statement. "If you ask me, that was time well spent."

Essek huffed out an amused chuckle, staring at the floor. He tilted his head to look at him, pausing to think of what to say. "Yes well, if you had so much fun, you should look forward to our next session. Where you will practice maintaining concentration while casting," he said the last part with a slight edge to his tone, giving Caleb a stern look. Just in case he didn't get the hint, he wiggled his fingers in his direction for good measure.

His mouth gaped open and closed, at a loss for words. Essek smiled proudly, feeling as though he won that conversation. He was putting his cloak on when he heard something at the door.

"Aww that's so cute- Ow!" came Jester's muffled voice.

"You're being loud!" Beauregard scolded in a loud hush. Essek and Caleb locked eyes. Caleb with a look of "oh shit, I'm fucked" while Essek's flashed with anger.

"You're both being loud, we have to leave," Fjord said next. With a quick wave of his hand, the door opened and in tumbled the three of them, plus Nott. They laid scattered on the floor in a guilty heap, Jester grinning up at him nervously with a tiny wave.

"Wha- how long have you been listening?" he asked incredulously. Beauregard answered hesitantly. "Kinda like, the whole time."

"So since around 3:30," Jestered answered. Essek's head snapped to glare at Caleb.

"You had a time picked out?" he asked in a dark yet patient tone. Caleb merely nodded. "Huh. Consider this part one of my revenge.

"What? But-"

"No buts," he shut him down, taking on the air of his authority.

Nott scrambled free, but Essek reached down and grabbed her by her shirt collar and picked her up.

"And where do you think you're going?" he asked. Nott threw punches in the air, and yelled, "I'm an innocent bystander! They asked me to come along!"

"It's true, she had nothing to do with this," Caleb spoke up, vouching for her. Essek set her down without a word, letting her dash away.

Essek stepped aside, gesturing with a "welcoming" arm to the others. "By all means, do come in." It wasn't a request, it was an order. They crawled in and stood in the middle of the room, all looking some degree of guilty, some more than others. Fjord looked the most genuine. Beauregard was at least trying to act remorseful, but it was clear she thought this was hilarious. Jester seemed to be quite pleased with herself, barely suppressing her smug grin and doing a rather poor job.

Essek closed the door, trapping them in the room. He then began pacing in front of them and spoke. "I can't believe that you all would devise this scheme."

"You can't? Don't you know us by now?" Beau asked.

"I thought I made the boundaries of our relationship quite clear, but apparently such things mean nothing to you," he scolded. Beau shut her mouth, knowing when to shut up while getting chewed out.

"Look, we meant no disrespect. It was just a little misguided curiosity that got out of hand. You have our word, it won't happen again,” Fjord assured.

"It most certainly will not. And if you feel like testing your luck, I dare you to try. I promise you'll end up in worse shape than Caleb," he said, pointing over to him. He lifted his red face from his hands to let out a sound of protest.

"I don't know, I think I can hold out better than him," Jester bragged aloud.

"In that case I'll be sure to go after you next," he said, glaring her down. She squeaked, wrapping her arms around her body. "Then you," he said, pointing at Beauregard, making her pale. "Then you," he continued down the line, ending with Fjord. He poked his chest, making him lean back. They all looked like scared puppies cowering in a corner. Good, he thought. They should be nervous.

"Wait a minute, does this mean you'll actually start hanging out with us?" Jester asked, not bothering to contain her excitement. He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Unfortunately yes."

"Hey don't say that like it's the worst thing ever," Beau said, crossing her arms.

"Yeah, you totally had a blast!" Jester exclaimed. Essek reeled back, cheeks blushing a darker purple.

"I-I did not!"

"You did tell Caleb this would happen again," Fjord spoke up, rubbing the back of his neck shyly. "Technically twice." He finally succumbed to the teasing smile that fought its way onto his face. "It's okay if you had a lil fun. We won't tell," he assured the shadowhand, shooting him a wink.

"Caleb is like, really fun to tickle, isn't he?" Jester asked, grinning from ear to ear.

"I am not!" Caleb yelped from his spot on the bed.

"No I'm afraid she's right. But I don't know what you three are so smug about. Using poor Caleb as your scape goat and then eaves dropping on my demise: it's cowardly and conniving, but clever." They hung their heads in shame- well, as much as one can have while biting back a smug grin.

"I'm sorry Ms. Beauregard, is something about this funny?" he asked in a dangerous growl. She quickly schooled her features and shook her head.

"N-no," she bluffed, meeting his eyes for a few seconds before breaking down into snickers, nodding her head. "Yeheah I do, but I can't help it! You're all you but then your laugh is super high pitched. It's uh, shocking."

"You would all be wise to sleep with one eye open until further notice," Essek said, glaring them down one by one. Fjord shifted uncomfortably under the scrutiny.

Jester rocked on the balls of her feet, tentatively asking, "You aren't like, actually planning to sneak into our house in the middle of the night just to tickle us, are you?" she asked nervously. She gasped and a hand slapped over her mouth. "Oh no you guys, I think I accidentally gave the Traveler an idea!" she squeaked in shock.

Essek stared at her, blinking in shock. "Um, no but the fact you feel compelled to ask that is a little concerning," he said a little wearily, keeping an eye on all of their hands. He stood at the doorway, ready to leave. He turned to face them and said, "Don't worry about Nott, she'll get what's coming eventually. As will Caduceus."

Fjord's stomach twisted at the prospect of roping their innocent friends into this mess. Mostly because they'd be in search of their own revenge. "Now wait a minute, he didn't have anything to do with this," Fjord defended.

"Oh but he did," he said, holding up the glass of lemonade tea. He took another sip and offered a tight lipped smile. "He knew what was going to happen and didn't even try to tip me off. I consider that being an accessory after the fact."

"Pft, you say that like it's a crime or something," Jester giggled.

"If I wanted to I could classify this as an assault," he scolded. He paused to let his words take effect before continuing. "But seeing as no one got hurt and I'm already planning on taking matters into my own hands, that won't be necessary." He turned to leave when Fjord spoke up.

"Maybe go easier on us than you did Caleb," he said, gesturing to himself and Beauregard. "We didn't play as big a part in this as Jester." She gasped and pinched his sides, making him jerk away with a quick yelp.

"What is wrong with you? You can't throw me to the wolves like that!" she whined.

Essek gave an annoyed grin and hummed, "I don't think you're in the position to be making requests. Goodbye."

"What's the matter, are you not staying for dinner?" Beau asked teasingly. He let out a half amused, half nervous chuckle.

"You're out of your mind if you think I'd stick around after this."

Jester nodded, "Mm that's fair. Oh wait!" He sighed, turning to face her. "What?" he asked exasperatedly.

"You forgot your shoes! Not that you really need them or anything," she teased, rolling her eyes as she held out his shoes. His cheeks flushed slightly and he took them wordlessly, giving them all a side eyed glance. "You have a really nice laugh by the way."

His mouth gaped open before promptly snapping it shut. "Er- thank you." He slipped on his shoes and left, more flustered than he intended to be.

On his way out, Caduceus caught him in the walkway. "Oh hey, how're you feeling after all that?" he asked in his usual warm tone.

"Exhausted and more embarrassed than I ever remember being," he huffed. He placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, giving a comforting pat.

"Heh, I know. But it's good to let those emotions out every once in a while. Like a soul cleanse," he mused.

"Uh, that's not how I see it, but I guess I do feel lighter," he admitted before he could think better of it. "Don't tell anyone I said that," he ordered.

Caduceus held his hands up in surrender. "Not a word." He looked him up and down, as if judging whether or not he was telling the truth.

"Good. Thank you for the tea by the way. Very refreshing." He perked up at the compliment, a wide smile stretching across his face.

"Really? Oh, I'm so glad you liked it," he said with a mix of excitement and relief.

"Yes. I'll be sure to keep your kindness in mind when I go after you," he said absentmindedly.

His smile twitched downwards and his perked up ears dropped. "W-what?"

"As far as I'm concerned, you all have some blame in this."

His gentle smile found its way back on his face and he shook his head. "Nah, I'm an angel." Essek didn't bother to stop the wide grin from forming.

"Maybe compared to the others," he joked. Caduceus chuckled, waving as he walked out the door. "Well I'll look forward to it."

That certainly threw him for a loop. He stopped to look at him, bewilderment and confusion in his eyes. "You do realize that was a threat."

Caduceus just shrugged. "Maybe to you. To me, I just see a new friend finally coming around."

Essek didn't know what to say to that. Instead he just shook his head, chuckling. "You are a strange bunch, that's for sure." He paused before closing the door, looking over his shoulder. "Oh and Caduceus?"

"Hm?"

"Tell everyone to watch their back." With a wink and a quick flash of teeth, he shut the door. He left feeling both tired and rejuvenated, floating a little higher than he normally did. Maybe this group of people were his friends after all.

#caleb widogast #essek thelyss #jester lavorre #beauregard lionett #fjord #caduceus clay #nott the brave #critical role #critical role fic #critickle role #critickle role fic #ticklish!caleb #shadowgast #shadowgast fic #ticklish!essek #i really loved this one #i hope y'all do too

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strangelysamantha · 3 years

Note

hey, i have a jj maybank request! fem!reader, possible angst!

so basically, y/n is a pogue and gets along with the other pogues (john b, pope, sarah, kiara & cleo) except for jj. y/n is always bright, a total sweetheart and bubbly and jj…hates it.

john b recently opens up a surf board shop on that stranded island that they’re on?? and he leaves y/n and jj alone to polish some boards hoping that they’d get along. jj complains about every little thing y/n does and starts calling her names. she gets really upset and storms out the shop to clear her head. she goes by the water for a swim but a dangerous tide picks her up and jj notices and saves her?? hopefully this makes sense!

the deep end ☆

jj maybank x fem!reader.

warnings: mentions of drowning, jj being an asshole, swearing.

words: 1,674.

summary: jj somehow finds everything you do annoying to the point he criticizes everything you do. john b thinks of a plan that will ensure his two friends will befriend each other. it was working at first, until it wasn’t.

request? yes!

a/n: y’all have such good ideas what the?! thank you for the request! if you enjoyed please like and comment. this is angst with fluff at the end. <3 BTW i am from missouri and have never surfed so i hope i got the polishing of the surfboards correct. :)

my masterlist

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john b always had a plan, well usually he did. if two of his friends were fighting, he would always find a way to get them to get along. he knew that stranding kiara and sarah on a boat together in the middle of nowhere would force them to fix their friendship. so, with that knowledge, he knew that he could do the same thing with jj and you.

you were always nice to jj, he just seemed to get annoyed with you all the time. you didn’t know what you had done, if you had even done something. he just always felt the need to critique you. it became harder and harder everyday to ignore him.

since washing up on the abandoned island, john b was ecstatic for his brand new start. unsurprisingly to anyone, his first idea for creating a new civilization would be a surf shack. he started building it right away. you would occasionally help, but he was determined to do it on his own so he would always send you away.

“okay! john b what would you like my help with? i can do anything you need. just let me know.” you smile brightly at john b, while he stared at you. “listen, i love you. but, i don’t need your help at the moment. you should talk to everyone else.” you frown at his words, “fine. but you better get me the minute you need assistance.” he nodded. “will do.” and with that, you left joining the others.

jj was talking to cleo before silencing upon your arrival. “hey everyone!” you smile at the group in front of you. “hey! how’s john b?” kiara asked. “i think he is good, he’s actually pretty much done.” you play with the bracelet on your wrist. kiara nods, “that’s great.” pope smiles, “statistically speaking, we can’t ensure that his shack will be entirely safe as he built it all on his own.” you stare at pope. “true… we’ll let’s hope it doesn’t collapse on him.” pope smiled at you, glad you listened to his random fact.

jj groaned. “awe, how sweet pope!! you found a girl who wasn’t disgusted by your weird and useless knowledge.” you gasp in shock, “jj! shut up you are so rude.” jj laughs, “it’s just a joke, why do you always have to be so offended?” you glare at jj. “jj it’s not funny, you’re just a dick.” pope sighs. “it’s okay, don’t worry.” you frown in popes direction. you quietly pull away from the group. you walk to an area of sand, plopping yourself down. that’s when john b approached you.

“hey, remember when i told you i would come get you when i needed help?” john b smiled at you. “yes! do you need my help?” you tilt your head to the side, waiting. he nods. “i need you to wax up some of the boards i made.” you nod. “okay! sure.” he walked you to his shack, helping you set up. you began waxing the board, paying attention to the direction and the amount of wax you were applying. john b waits a minute watching you, before he decides to leave.

after a minute, you see jj approaching the shack with john b who held a smug smile on his lips. you shake your head, confused. “friends.” he looked between you and jj. jj held an unamused look on his face. “as my close friends, you will wax these boards for me. you can’t stop until you guys fix whatever feud is going on between the two of you.” john b stands his ground. jj scoffs, “we don’t have a feud.” you nod your head in agreement. “jj is right, his hatred is definitely one sided... it is not a feud.” you laugh softly seeing jj send a glare your way. “yeah okay. whatever guys. just fix it, and if you even try and leave, i’ll send cleo after both of you.” your eyebrows lift in shock. you mutter a quick okay, returning your attention to the board.

jj stares at you, watching you apply the wax. he couldn’t help but get upset. everything you did just made him annoyed. he grabbed the wax, working on the board right by yours. silence falls over the two of you. it’s not awkward or weird, it actually feels quite normal. until jj interrupted it so he could judge you.

“youre doing it wrong. i mean come on.” you stare at jj, “jj please just focus on your own board.” you shake your head, continuing to polish the surfboard. he glares at you. “whatever. just keep doing what you are doing, and then john b or i will fix it after you.” his attention turned back to his board. you rolled your eyes. “i will, thank you.” he breathes in, inhaling the waxy scent. “you are so annoying you know that?” you ignore jj’s words, focusing on the board. he continues, “i mean everything you do. everything you say, it pisses me off.” you nod slightly. “you done?”

“no, actually i’m not.” you bite your lip, fixating on the wax that is spreading along the smooth surface. jj stops waxing the surfboard. you look up to see he is already staring at you. “you know, you act like you are better than us, i mean why do you hang out with us anyway?” jj waits but continues when he realizes you won’t reply. “you are fake, you are so upbeat and bubbly that it’s annoying. you are a double sided two faced bitch who says anything to get in good graces.” you inhale, looking up at him.

“listen jj. we are stranded on this fucking island. TOGETHER. so either drop it and move on, or just shut the fuck up and stay away from me.” you place your hands on your hips, breathing slightly staggered from anger. “everyone speaks so highly of you saying how great you are; but the only jj i’ve met is a total douche. if you hate me so much then just stay the fuck away from me. if you continue you’ll just be wasting your breath and energy anyway.” jj holds back a laugh at your sudden outburst.

“you really think if i had the choice, i would want to be here? especially with you?” jj asked, you already knowing the answer. you stay silent. “exactly. no one can deal with you for that long anyway.” you roll your eyes.

“whatever jj. you win.” you toss the wax to the side, frowning. you don’t turn back to him, you just ignore him. you start to walk towards the beaches seashore. it was getting slightly hot, so you decided to take a dip into the water.

you were salvaging the few moments of freedom you had, before you got john b’s and cleo’s wrath from leaving the scene before mending the friendship with jj. it was practically impossible. what did jj have against you? you tip toed into the water, getting deeper and deeper. you floated at the top of the water; the coolness feeling great on top of your hot skin.

jj truly had the biggest nerve, your mind was overwhelmingly clogged. you felt seaweed scratch against the bottom of your foot, this caused you to jump, your adrenaline levels rising since you thought it was a fish. you try to remain afloat, but the high tide caused the waves to crash right over you repeatedly, being faster and higher than ever. you went above water trying to shout for help, but your mouth was filled, causing no sound to come out. you thrash against the water, kicking to stay afloat. your throat was burning, your legs tired from kicking, and your lungs filled with liquid.

a pair of hands wrap around your stomach, dragging you out the water. you were placed on the warm sand. “shit.” jj stared at you. your head felt light. jj’s hand began pumping your chest, curses falling from his mouth. “come on, just breathe. please.” you cough, the salt water exiting your lungs, and dropping onto your neck. you gasp for air, opening your eyes to be met with jj’s face. you breathe heavily for a minute.

“jj… thank you.” you sit up, pulling him into a tight hug. your hands wrap around his neck, one of them grabbing his hair. his arms held tightly around your waist. his chest was heaving heavily, shaking slightly. “i hate to be so cliché j, but you genuinely saved my life.” he frowns at you. “i almost lost you.”

jj’s confession confused you. “what?” you say softly, your hand combed through his hair. “look. the reason i’m so mean to you, is because i knew that if i was nice to you, my already intense feelings for you would only amplify.” you frown at him. “you’ve had a crush on me this whole time?” jj nodded. you went to talk, but your friends interrupted the moment.

john b rushed to your side, kiara and pope swiftly behind him. “what happened!! we were watching from over there.” john b pointed in a direction farther away. “one minute you were swimming… the next you we’re gone!?” you wipe your neck, trying to dry it off. “jj saved my life. i almost drowned.” you frown, the group in front of you nodded. “im so glad you are okay.” kiara bent down pulling you into a hug. “i’m glad you are safe now too.” pope joined in on the hug; as well as everyone else.

sarah, kiara, and cleo bend down, reaching for your hands. they help you up, dragging you to your feet. they walk you away from the crowd, bombarding you with questions. “so when you were drowning what did it feel like??” you turn around watching jj, you smile slightly before turning to them. “oh get ready for the amount of details i’m going to give you guys.”

possibly a part two…??? not sure yet :) <3 also!! i’m proofreading this tomorrow since i’m not entirely sure if it has errors or not! ily!!

#jj maybank obx #jj maybank #jj maybank x reader angst #fiction #writing #jj maybank x fem!reader #jj maybank fanfic #jj maybank angst #jj maybank imagine #outerbanks fanfics #outer banks imagines #outer banks story #outer banks angst #jj maybank one shot #jj maybank outer banks #jj maybank obx fanfic #jj x fem!reader

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lunaastoir · 3 years

Text

fluff/relationships w the mondstadt crew

characters included: diluc, kaeya, and jean

gn! reader as always <3

tw: fluff??? domesticity??? crack??? ideal relationships w people who will never be real??? also mentions of alcohol!

an: so i’m back w a sequel to my “fluff/relationships w the liyue crew” since you guys seemed to really like it <3 thank you my heart is literally melting 😩 this post was getting too long so i excluded some of the characters but expect a part. 2 (more like part 3 but part 2 to the mondstadt version)!

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diluc

man. this MAN.

that’s it, that’s the headcanon.

he would literally be the most doting lover in the softest ways

SUCH a soft romantic like you thought you knew love??? nah this man will show you what love is

will constantly leave you things around the winery to convey his silent thank you’s and appreciation for you putting up with him being busy for most of the day

it’s always the most thoughtful things ever too like-

you mentioned how nice it would be to have some fresh lemonade with the hotter weather outside but it was too late in the day to actually go to the market in search of fresh lemons

the next day you walked downstairs only to be greeted with a pitcher of cool lemonade with a side of lemon bars

there was a note attached to the handle of the pitcher <3

“i recall you mentioning how lemonade would be perfect for the warmer weather so i decided to make some for you this morning. i hope it’s still cool by the time you drink it. love, d”

pls sir your hand in marriage

he secretly loves it when you usher him to bed after waking up in the dead of night to see him working by candlelight on reports

soft hands on his cheeks gently whispering about how, it’s been far too long and come to bed, darling and there will be time for this in the morning

his protests are light given the dark purple hues under his crimson eyes but he’ll still make a little fuss

don’t let this man fool you tho he’s so so touched that you care enough to check up on him and drag him to bed!!

sometimes on the days he has a bit more free time, the two of you will quickly grab your dinners and race to the highest spot in the winery to watch the setting sun

these moments are always filled with laughter, something you’ve found you’re easily able to pull out of diluc, simply because it’s you

uncontrollable sobbing

he would let you paint his nails black like the angsty man he is

frankly he would let you do anything to him if it makes you happy <3

ok but wait diluc w bLACK NAILS?? AND RINGS??? i would die on the spot ⚰️

on the topic of makeup, this man is surprisingly really good w it

i like to think he learned after practicing on kaeya when they were younger bc kaeya was really into makeup

you found out after babysitting klee one day and trying failing to draw eyeliner on the sweet girl after her “big brother ‘bedo!”

you hastily grabbed some wipes, gently wiping off the messed up design before attempting to dive back in

diluc however, had some down time so he decided to check up on his favorite chaotic duo

only to be met with a pile of dirtied makeup wipes, your frustrated expression, and klee’s growing jitteriness

swiftly moving to your side, he quietly asked if you needed help

you glanced up quizzically before handing him the eyeliner, already looking around to find more makeup wipes when this inevitably goes wrong

to your utter surprise tho the eyeliner is perfect??? two perfect winged lines??? in less than a minute??? WHAT

you just stood there like 😦 before diluc got back up and handed you the eyeliner

you were short-circuiting, klee was ecstatic, diluc was worried about you

ok last thing abt diluc

crack! warning but the both of you like lowkey pranking kaeya

for diluc it’s revenge on his annoying brother; for you it’s good - natured sibling rivalry fun

every time the two of you see kaeya, one of you always swipes something of his

small things really, it could be a pen or a handkerchief

one time, diluc swiped kaeya’s spare eyepatch and from the looks of it, kaeya’s only spare black eyepatch bc he was frantically looking for it yk he’s desperate when he even asked diluc if he saw it

the two of you spent an hour nearly laughing your asses off

all in all, life w him is so sweet

kaeya

pretty boy? pretty boy.

while i can’t guarantee stability, life would never be boring w this man that’s for sure

piggy back rides 🗣 piggy back rides 🗣 piggy back rides

he LOVES it, the feel of you on his back while he’s walking around mondstadt most likely carrying you to your commission

he finds it comforting especially since he can hear the rumble of your voice against him while you recount stories, or just babble on about everything under the sun

he is SO dramatic so obviously when y’all reach the site of the commission he has to kill all the monsters even tho the both of you agreed to split it up evenly

he makes quick work of his set before stealing some of yours much to your chagrin

you scold him but can you really be mad at him when he looks drop dead gorgeous freezing the hilichurls the answer is no, no you cannot be

oh my god ok wait-

he does this thing where he tries to spook you in public

so say you’re getting groceries at the mondstadt general store

you round the corner just minding your own business, looking around, taking in the sunshine

and suddenly you just hear someone drop in behind you but before you can register anything you hear a soft “boo” and hands circle your waist

you jump SIKE let’s be honest you shrieked

meanwhile kaeya’s just laughing his ass off

you can hear his rich peals of laughter while you attempt to regain your bearings

he does this so often you SHOULD be used to it but you really aren’t bc mans is SNEAKY-

he cards his fingers in your hair whenever you’re speaking

he doesn’t know why, it’s just a cute habit and he finds the feel of his fingers in your hair soothing

oH on the topic of comfort, kaeya really likes resting two fingers on the back of your neck???

ik he seems like the type to throw his arm around your shoulder which yes he totally is but during more serious conversations his hand automatically seeks out the warmth of your neck

your neck feels amazing especially during the warmer months due to his chilly fingers contrasting with your warm skin

he likes that he’s able to access such a vulnerable part of you and you would willingly let him

HE GETS YOU MATCHING OUTFITS

no i will NOT take criticism on this i just kNOW he’s that type of guy

it would be those stupid “i’m his” and “they’re mine” sweatshirts like BYE

it’s so cringy but for some reason it’s oddly adorable and you truly despise it but you can’t seem to say no whenever he asks

you pretend to ignore the look of pity diluc throws your way whenever he sees you like this

kaeya really loves accessories so i think he would be the type to give you a promise ring or something similar to show that he truly does care for you

he would brush it off, flirting a little like usual before handing you the ring

with the way his cheeks softly darken though, you know he’s being genuine

TICKLE FIGHTS ik i mentioned this for childe but shhhh

he has tickle fingers??? his hands just loOK like they’re itching to tickle someone so you’ll most likely be the unfortunate victim

he will not show you mercy. at all. he’ll tickle you until there are tears streaming from your eyes, your face is hot, and your voice is hoarse from laughing so damn hard

it gives him such a rush of serotonin its SO CUTE

i feel like this goes without saying but he’s super into pda,,, anything and everything is on the table

hand holding? duh. ass grabs? ofc. carrying you bridal style around mondstadt? why not

ik he’s typically very playful but once the relationship reaches a certain stage, he’ll slowly start to let down the walls that surround his facade

very very slowly show you the more realistic parts of him

the real, damaged pieces of his soul

he’ll be carefully monitoring your reaction though, any sign of fear or disgust will have him recoiling within himself again and you most likely will never see his true nature ever again

SO BE CAREFUL 👹

once you’ve seen the parts of him he’s offered to you, the hushed whispers of his past, and the uncertain lines of his future, he will take off his eyepatch

pretends like he’s not super nervous but he’s SWEATING-

the prettiest thing you’ve ever seen though hands down

you can understand why he covers it up but you would like it if he felt comfortable enough to take off the eyepatch occasionally when he’s with you

also!!! sleeps with his eyepatch side facing you (in the event he wears it to bed)

if this happens you KNOW he trusts you bc it’s his blindside <3

anyways life w kaeya will never be boring but he is a very complicated man

stay with him though, i promise it’ll be worth it

jean

the key to jean’s heart is coffee and food

GET HER COFFEE AND FOOD

i am begging you she deserves it 😭

the poor woman works so hard bc the knights are so mf understaffed, this is literally the best way you can ever show her your love and appreciation when she has work

she will MELT if you have a hot shower and dinner waiting for her when she inevitably returns later than she promised

will completely refuse at first with, “you did not have to do this, it’s too much” but shush her as you shOULD bc she deserves the entire world

she’s the definition of “you do something for me, i’ll return the favor ten times grander”

you leave a flower on her desk bc it reminded you of her??? you’ll wake up to find a whole bouquet of the prettiest windwheel asters you’ve ever seen the next morning along with a thank you note

she’s so sweet BYE

she gets flustered extremely easily so you obviously use this as an opportunity to tease her

when you’re in public rest your hand on her waist and inch it higher until your hand is underneath her shirt and in contact with her warm skin

she’ll actually short-circuit its quite adorable

sometimes y’all will be cuddling and you’ll hear whispers of her insecurities

“am i a good grand master? will i ever be as valiant as vanessa?”

reassure her!!! tell her that she doesn’t need to be like vanessa, she’s already amazing as jean

if you haven’t seen her in awhile, track her down and schedule a lunch date

she never misses appointments and if it’s for you, she’ll gladly make time to see you even if she has to stay up even later than usual

OH-

GIVE HER MASSAGES

she has so much tension and the sorest muscles from hunching over papers and running around on errands

if you sneak into her office and quietly stand behind her before gently pushing down on the sore tendons of her neck, she’ll genuinely fall over on her desk

so make sure you steady her 😀

after you feel how tight her muscles are though, you drag her to barbara bc she needs a healer asap 😭

while most of your time is spent in her office - you helping out in the ways you can while jean is overseeing knight duties - you still have your fair share of life outside of the favonius headquarters

jean never likes to sit still so whenever you have free time, the both of you head off looking for monsters to clear

bouken da bouken???

adventuring w jean is seriously the funnest thing you could ever do

it’s just non-stop you accidentally getting into trouble and her having to come help you

even tho the both of you are dead tired after fighting, what? 20 hilichurl camps now??? the laughter and joy in your eyes shows how you both truly loved every minute of it

it’s both a stress reliever, good fun, and a work-out <3

you’re definitely prone to getting dragged to angel’s share w kaeya

kaeya and jean sometimes hang out after work at the tavern so inevitably you’re dragged along too

all three of you are drunk out of your minds which just makes everything a MILLION times funnier

kaeya slurring over his words makes the two of you start cackling endlessly while diluc just shakes his head making sure to not give you more wine despite your pleas

angel’s share ft. kaeya and bartender diluc are always the best times fr fr

life with her literally feels like y’all are married

so much domesticity it’s so NICE ALJDKSFH

your house is always so clean and the color scheme is impeccable bc jean has such a good eye

you have a chore schedule 😎 but it almost never works out bc jean ends up doing everything without you knowing-

you always confront her abt it and she’s like 😁 “i had some time so i did them! no worries tho” like i- time??? where bitc-

oH- she has amazing style so you can bet shopping w her is literally the best experience

she takes you to all of the hidden gems some places lisa recommended and helps you pick out things

will 100% get really blushy if you come out in something and ask her for her opinion tho she’s literally the cutest

basically jean is a sweet girl who deserves the entirety of teyvat that is all.

thanks for reading! if you have any requests don’t hesitate to send them in <3

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lunar-insanity · 2 years

Text

One of the people for the Psyker 7 that I’m having trouble coming up with mental worlds for is Sam of all people.

so in PN2, Lil Lucy goes to find Sam Boole to see if she can lend her a bowling card, or whatever I decide to change it to. Sam is at the old Flapjack place, but it’s over run with animals who... seem really scared of Sam.

Now one of the things I want to address is... how Sam treats them. Listening to her always makes me uncomfortable like “no stop please you’re scaring the hell out of them” because she genuinely thinks this is helping them. Which makes me wonder how the hell she was raised.

The problem comes in with, I have no idea how to deal or even help someone with that kind of problem. My go to of “confront them with everything they’ve done” is... well... it probably wouldn’t work when they’ve got their head so far up their ass or they’re so deluded that they wouldn’t listen.

So... What I have so far is this.

Lucy finds Sam in this run down restaurant, trying to get everyone in order but it’s still a measure of chaos because she flip flops between threatening and sickly sweet ‘I only want you to be the best’ toxicity. Lucy asks to borrow the card to get into the bowling alley, but Sam asks for her to get something from the Forgetful Forest first, a bunch of different fruits ‘n dirt and what not.

Lucy gets them but also finds an old yo yo, and brings it back too. But when Sam sees this Yo yo... it’s like she snaps. Her emotions suddenly get way out of control and gets overwhelmed by this chaos in her head that she can’t see she’s scared off every animal. This is when Lucy jumps in.

Sam’s Mental World is a restaurant for animals, but it’s in chaos because the cooks can’t dish out the correct amount of emotion and thus some guests get too little or too much or even the wrong emotion.

The idea is to get the kitchen back into working order and to make sure that each dish is served with the right thing. The morning crowd gets a menu about sadness, the lunch rush gets anger, and evening diners get happiness. Lucy’s job is to help the staff and make sure all the emotions get dished out properly.

The big problem comes when Happiness suddenly starts running out, and the staff try to compensate with the other emotions. At first Lucy tries to stop it, but when everything gets too mixed up, the head chef shuts it down and Lucy has to go find the problem. Why did happiness run out.

And here we find that Sam’s problem is... she didn’t know how to feel after everything that happened. Gisu was doing her best to handle the press, Norma was shutting down, they lost two friends, and Sam didn’t... know how to empathize or recognize certain things in others. Which would hopefully explain her actions: She thinks she’s doing this correctly but isn’t and can’t see it.

And Lucy’s made the same mistake Sam has, thinking that emotions can’t mix sometimes, that you can only feel one thing at a time and old memories should stay the same tint they’ve been before. And this is the boss.

The way to solve this is to actually mix and match the emotions pumped out and remind Sam it’s okay to feel sad at an old previously happy memory, or anger at someone you love for treating you the way you shouldn’t have been,. Emotions are complex and they don’t make sense, and that’s okay. Sometimes you just need someone else to help you understand them.

With the boss defeated, the restaurant has the most successful night service ever. Emotions are mixed and shared and give more ‘flavour’ to the meals (memories) and the kitchen is back in order.

On the outside world, Sam realizes that her methods haven’t been... the best but she’ll try to properly listen to the animals this time and figure out when she starts scaring them or making them feel bad. She gives Lucy the membership card, and looking at the Yo-Yo, decides it’s time to meet with an old friend.

...

SO THAT’S MY RAMBLINGS I DON’T KNOW IF ANY OF THAT IS GOOD OR NOT ;W; I’d... love any criticism y’all got for this.

#whispering water au #i know her behavior is played for laughs in the game but imagine if Sam was a full grown adult and not a teen #so i wanted to ... try to address that I guess.

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emotions-ew · 3 years

Text

A Collection of Queer Country Artists and Songs for anyone who doesn’t feel like there’s country music they can relate to...

There is this idea that country music is like just Republican men singing about beer, and trucks and also Jesus, and that is kind of fair because loads of it is but there are some cool as hell queer/lgbtq+ country artists. Finding those and finding that representation in a genre of music I was literally raised on kind of changed my life in a tiny way and I wanted to share that.

(This is by no means a comprehensive list and also I’m basing the “Country” part of this sometimes on my subjective opinion/limited music knowledge so yuh please don’t hate me if I get some wrong)

Also link below for a Spotify playlist of my favourite gay/gayish country music, some mentioned in this post some not, (with a title that isn’t obviously gay for anyone who can’t openly listen to gay stuff on their public accounts for whatever reason) so feel free to skip the massive essay and just jump straight to that. And pretty please repost if I missed anyone/ any songs you love.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7KB6PmUxnpkU7lih8Bysvw

Artists To Follow:

Chely Wright

- Right off the bat, Chely Wright is a legend and I’m in love with her. So, in the 90′s Chely Wright was kind of a huge deal. She started her career as a singer/songwriter and released her first album in ‘94, which was critically acclaimed although never reached the commercial success of her later works. By ‘97 she was really hitting her stride, dropping her breakout hit “Shut up and Drive” (a personal favourite of mine) followed two years later by the biggest hit of her career “Single White Female”. Throughout all that Chely Wright was, to the world, a good old fashioned, heterosexual southern gal. Privately it was a bit of a different story. She had public relationships with male country artists, all while pursuing a secret decade long relationship with a woman.

I hadn’t ever really heard a Chely Wright song until a few years ago so I never knew about her music or career pre-coming out but I do know that even though by the time she came out in 2010 she was by no means at the height of her fame Chely Wright is kind of one of the biggest names in country music to be out and proud (in my opinion) and I love her like an insane amount. I literally play her music in my car when I have passengers just so I can be like “fun fact this singer is actually gay-” and then subject them to a lengthy explanation of her entire career. She came out with an album and a memoir and the album is my favourite of her work because it’s so fucking raw and because I relate to most of it immensely. Anyways Chely Wright went fucking through it in her journey to being her authentic self and now she’s out and proud and married to a woman and they have a family together and I’m a fucking sucker for a happy ending and y’all should add her to every playlist you have. And on top of that her music is genuinely good. Coming out undoubtedly damaged her career but I think that

Brandi Carlile

- As far as I can tell Brandi Carlile has been out her whole career. I feel like this list is just going to be me saying “I’m in love with her” about a bunch of women old enough to be my mother but in my defence, I am honestly in love with her. She’s been making music since she was like, seventeen, and has had a bunch of massive hits, as a singer, songwriter, and producer. If you want to cry kind of happy tears listen to her performance of “Bring my Flowers Now” with Tanya Tucker. She’s won Grammy’s and CMT awards and she’s done it all as an out Queer woman. She’s also a founding member of The Highwomen, an all-female country music group who released their first album in 2019, comprised of Carlile, Marren Morris, Natalie Hemby and Amanda Shires. I really love this band because they’re four artists who are immensely successfully in their own right collabing, much like the Highwaymen, and their music is phenomenal while also being a fuck you to mainstream country music and their inability to properly represent women in country music spaces.

She’s been married to a woman (smoking hot and also brilliant) since 2012 and they have two kids together and if you want to cry (again) then you have to listen to her song “Mother” about her eldest daughter. A queer country artist absolutely worth adding to all your playlists.

Brooke Eden

- As I understand it Eden came out publicly in January of this year. She’s engaged to Hilary Hoover, who she’s been dating since 2015 apparently. I can’t even imagine the pressure that must be on a person and how stressful it would be to keep a relationship secret from the whole world for years and personally I think they’re a cute as hell couple and I wish them literally all the happiness in the world.

Brooke Eden has a few older songs that I think are really good, my favourite being “Act Like You Don’t”, and while her new stuff isn’t my usual country vibe I am a sucker for literally anything gay and it is legally my gay duty to stream any song that she releases to support my fellow queer. It’s quite different to anything Wright or Carlile sing but I actually kind of love that because it shows that country music of all different shapes and sizes and styles can be sung by queer artists.

Amythyst Kiah

- Okay so I am a very new listener to Amythyst Kiah, but her music is literally so beautiful it would be a straight up sin to not include her on this list. Her music is country-blues-roots esq (more roots than country, I think?) and her voice is so unique. She grew up in Chattanooga and has been playing music since childhood. She recently made her Opry debut which is fucking awesome. She also belongs to a band called Our Native Daughters, described as “A supergroup of Black women in traditional music”. Their debut album “Songs of Our Native Daughters” did numbers and I haven’t listened to the whole thing but my favourite so far are “Black Myself” and “I Knew I Could Fly” so y’all add that to your playlists along with “Wild Turkey” by Amythyst Kiah because holy hell her voice on that will blow your mind.

Steve Grand

- The first man to make this list, he should frankly be honoured. Grand has been an out and proud gay man making country music since like 2013, and I have so much respect for an artist who chose to simply never be in, choosing instead to simply write gay ass songs about being in love with men and letting the chips fall where they man. His music is always going to have a special place in my heart and, he’s cute so if you’re into men and music by men give him a google. add him to your playlists, his All-American Boy album is literally just a dozen songs that are perfect to yell-sing along to.

Katie Pruitt

- Not hugely knowledgeable on Katie Pruitt but her music makes me feel crazy intense emotions and is absolutely gay

Honorable Mention Artists I haven’t Really Listened to But Who I Know to be gay thanks to google and might be your thing so totally check them out:

Brandy Clark

Ty Herndon

Shelly Fairchild

Lavendar Country

Trixie Mattel

Cameron Hawthorn

Drop any other names of artists or songs you know of

Specific Songs That Make Me Fucking Cry or (in good and bad ways (but always in a gay way)) or basically are just gay as hell:

If She Ever Leaves Me; The Highwomen

- So, this album came out about a week before my first (and only) girlfriend broke up with me. The general gist of the song is a woman singing about how her loved isn’t ever going to leave her but if she does it sure as hell won’t be for a creepy man in a bar. A little ironic that I felt I related to it so intensely, considering she did in fact leave me. There’s this one lyric that goes “I’ve loved her in secret/I’ve lover here out loud/the sky hasn’t always been blue” and my girlfriend and I were crazy deep in the closet so I drew her a cute little picture of a grey cloud and on the back I wrote that lyric and I gave it to her and to me it was kind of a promise that one day I’d get a chance to love her out loud and even though I never actually did this song is forever going to make me cry because of the little bit of hope that lyric gave me and the way it’s inclusion on this overwhelmingly mainstream country album made me feel like acceptance was just that little bit closer.

All American Boy; Steve Grand

- Definitely one of the first gay country songs I ever heard, and Steve Grand didn’t once sacrifice a scrap of country for the gay. It’s beautiful, it’s a little sad, it’s hopeful. It’s forever going to hold a special place in my heart and the music videos is kind of one of my favourites ever. I found this song before I found myself and the way it made my heart warm should have been a stronger sign than I took it to be.

Like Me; Chely Wright

- When you love someone you kind of make it your mission to know them in a way that no one else can. This song by Chely Wright is sort of an ode to that, and how even once you lost someone, you’re still going to know every little thing about them. On top of that it sort of speaks to the idea that all these things Wright learned about this woman, she learned in secret and she knew her and loved her in secret and now that they’re gone from each other she’s left with all of this knowledge and all of these questions and no one to answer them. I love the way it’s so slow and the melody and her voice, the way it’s low and a little raspy, make this one of my favourite Chely Wright songs.

The Mother; Brandi Carlile

- Sorry but a song about being a mother by a queer woman is going to make me cry every time and actually I’m not that sorry. It’s quite a simple song, if any song written by Brandi Carlile can ever be described as ‘simple’, it’s an ode to her daughter. My favourite line is “you are not an accident/where no one thought it through” because it speaks to the fact that in order for queer women to have a kid together they have to want it so damn bad and also I just like the way her voice sounds on that line. This song is also the perfect thing to listen to if you ever for a second feel like being gay/queer is going to stand in the way of you having a family because it absolutely doesn’t have to and if that’s something you want, you can have it. Don’t let people try and convince you otherwise.

Loving Her; Katie Pruitt

- Unapologetic gay love. Opening a song with “If loving hers a sin, I don’t wanna go to heaven” is a fucking baller move and she went there. The lyrics are beautiful, and her voice is phenomenal. It could be a sad song, about confronting religious repression and grappling with what that means for your love, but instead its triumphant. Katie Pruitt doesn’t give a fuck if you have a problem because she’s going to write songs for her lover.

Jesus From Texas; Semler

- Not actually totally sure this is a country song, but it has the words ‘Jesus’ and ‘Texas’ in the title so I feel safe including it in this list. Honestly, I don’t really know why I relate so hard to this song. Like, I wasn’t really raised with religion, so I don’t know what it is about this funky little tune that makes me want to sob but there’s something about this tune that makes me want to do whatever the opposite of get up and dance is, but like, in a good way.

Lovin’ Again; Steve Grand

- Breakup song that ends kind of positively? So good to sing along to at high, high volumes. The idea that losing someone doesn’t have to mean losing yourself and just because you can’t love them doesn’t mean you’re not ever going to love again. But also kind of about how it’s hard to get over someone, I don’t know it’s just good.

Cryin’ These Cocksucking Tears; Lavender Country

- Jesus christ if this isn’t the coolest shit I’ve ever heard in my life. Sorry but a gay country group formed in 1972 who dropped possibly the first gay themed country album, and this was the title of one of the songs. God I am in love.

Songs that (to me) are a little fruity or that I just relate to in a gay way:

Picket Fences; Chely Wright

- Chely Wright is gay but this song came out long before she did and when she wrote it, it wasn’t supposed to be gay which is why it’s in this section and not the previous. The reason it’s included at all is because frankly ma’am, Mrs Wright, it’s a little fruity. And I feel a little bad for joking because honestly to me, the way I hear this song and knowing the context (that Wright was deeply closeted at the time she wrote and released it), it’s kind of just sad. The general gist of the song is Wright asking what’s so great about a traditional lifestyle anyways. It could be read as a woman genuinely questioning why we push that expectation that she’ll have two kids and a husband and a picket fence lifestyle, or even could be read as a woman who’s trying to deflect how much she does in fact want that, you have to listen and form your own opinion. But to me, it feels like a woman who’s desperately trying to justify why she doesn’t want that life not because she can’t have it, but she knows it will never be right for her. I don’t know it’s hard to explain I just feel like this song is a little bit gay even though I’m sure she didn’t intend that.

Sinning with You; Sam Hunt

- Sorry but this song is gay. Sorry but you can’t write the lines “I never felt like I was sinning with you/Always felt like I could talk to God in the morning” and “if it’s so wrong why did it feel so right” and “But I never felt shame, never felt sorry/Never felt guilty touching your body” and not to mention the opening line of “raised in the first pew/praises for yeshua/case of a small town repression”, and expect to not sit in my car sobbing as I realised that while I never felt like what we did was a sin she absolutely did, and wishing I could have told her that I was sorry for making her carry the weight of both our souls but also that it wasn’t a sin and nothing in the world could feel that good and be that bad and it isn’t right that she had to be so ashamed of something that was just so good. Sam Hunt actually said after he wrote the song that while it was reflection on his own relationship with faith he genuinely hopes that people in the lgbtq community can like find comfort or whatever in his words and like go off king, we stan an ally.

How do I Get There; Deana Carter

- This ones easy, it’s about falling in love with your best friend and suddenly realising you want more than just friendship with them. Sorry Deana, that’s gay. In my Deana Carter of like Year 10 I played this song on repeat and screamed along to the lyrics as though singing it hard enough would make her like me back.

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in-tua-deep · 4 years

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13, 14 and 15 for Five!

man y’all are feral for these ones let me see what they are...

13. What gets them flustered

HMMM well flustered means to make (someone) agitated or confused.

Which means... calling or insinuating that Five is either a child (tagging a ‘little’ onto brother, young man, etc.) or incapable - unfortunately he can perceive several different things as calling him incapable/weak such as... insinuating that he needs sleep or to take a break

Anyone expressing any kind of soft emotions or that they care about him makes him... a little confused to say the least. He’s spent a really long time alone, and while he has some vague success at having heart to hearts where he’s the one talking (telling Klaus about Dolores, talking to Luther, etc.) as soon as the tables turn and they try and express any kind of appreciation or concern for him he has to brush it off, or jump away into a cab, or get defensive and yell (he is not an addict, Klaus)

He doesn’t know how to handle anything soft or considerate. Nothing like that was really present during his childhood - he was never especially close with Grace, not like Diego was at least. Certainly there wasn’t room to be soft in the apocalypse, except on occasion with Dolores, but his focus was primarily on the duel purpose of survival and saving his siblings. And certainly not at the Commission.

So it does make him agitated and confused and flustered when people care about him. He’s not used to it. He’s used to being the one caring. Even Dolores - she was a reflection of himself and there’s a reason in the comics she was more than a little mean to him at times. There’s a reason why the Handler liked to try and unsettle him by caressing him face and complimenting him so sweetly.

14. Ingrained habits/forces of habit

oh I think Five has a LOT of ingrained habits left over from the apocalypse and fending for himself since he was a small child

Food hoarding and resource guarding would be big ones tbh, he’s had food insecurity for a long time and in season one I never saw him eat so he might just generally be uncomfortable eating in front of other people - a strong sense of this is mine and protectiveness that comes from having very very little

Most of that protectiveness is centered around his family tbh but if his siblings tried to make him give up... his old battered copy of Vanya’s book, for example, I doubt it would go very well. Luther threatening Dolores was not taken very well to say the least, and Luther was only saved by the fact that Five loves Luther and would rather die than hurt him

(though threatening a bit is possible, which I think is what happened with Vanya at the end as well - Five couldn’t bring himself to follow through on hurting her otherwise his jumping would have been so much more precise at the end, he was demonstrably very deadly )

Five is used to going at things alone, so leaving his siblings behind isn’t even him being an asshole or trying to protect them by leaving them behind... he literally just forgets that he has backup but also forgets that like... his siblings talk back to him? So he’ll just say his piece and then exit out of the conversation

His siblings find it inconsiderate and rude but sometimes it’s literally just Five forgetting that people can have input to conversations and that they aren’t just one-sided things, and since Five is... kind of sensitive about his lack of social skills he just lets them think he’s rude rather than admit that his social skills are really just that bad

There are plenty of other things I think might result from his years of isolation. Five’s habit of talking to himself, because for a long time there was really no one else to talk to (even if he addresses those thoughts to Dolores absently, despite the fact that he’s returned her to the store). An inability to relax because there’s an inexplicable feeling of guilt that occurs whenever he tries to.

Issues sleeping because he’s used to basically total silence. Can you imagine going from no sound at all to living in a house with other people, in a city where there are cars and sirens and people walking down the street? Being generally jumpy around other people

Five has a lot of social issues that his siblings probably put down to him being rude and unsociable but are actually just a result of Five genuinely not knowing how to interact with people, even when he’s really actually trying his best

and part of that is that they’re used to Five being terrifyingly competent, they remember him being praised by their father for being adaptable and good at what he did, even when he caused trouble. They’re used to Five being above it all, and so they don’t perceive it as Five having difficulty so much as they perceive it as Five purposefully being an asshole

If Five was trying he wouldn’t fail, because they do actually perceive Five as being exceptionally capable, which means that Five’s actual struggles... kind of go unnoticed or are criticized as him not trying hard enough

and of course Five hides how he feels and lets them go on thinking that, because it’s an ingrained habit to hide weaknesses - both thanks to Reggie who pit the kids against one another and used their weaknesses against them and because of the Handler who can scent weakness in the water like a shark with blood oof

15. What it takes to make them cry

I think I have a post somewhere about how the Hargreeves are very good at digging right into each others weaknesses and twisting the knife. It happens with all of them tbh. Diego hurls Allison’s failures as a mother in his face, Allison snaps at Vanya that she’s the last person she would ask for advice, even Ben snipes at Klaus. It’s ingrained. It’s common. They’re used to hurting each other with words, used to finding each others softest parts and using those weaknesses against each other

but Five hasn’t really experienced that since he was thirteen. And the Handler, brilliant as she is, is no match for the siblings in their ability to locate and use each others weaknesses.

So I think there’s going to come a day when Five pisses one of them off, and they lash out in the way they know how. The ‘acceptable’ way, with words instead of fists. They’re going to find Five’s softest parts and dig right in

Words like ‘abandon’ and ‘run away’ and ‘should have stayed away’ and ‘fault’

And Five knows how to defend himself, physically. But he’s so very out of practice against verbal attacks, he’s out of practice when he can’t attack back physically and shut someone up. And he loves his siblings. He couldn’t even bring himself to hurt Luther when Luther was threatening the one person who kept him sane, someone that he loved. He couldn’t bring himself to hurt Vanya when she was about to end the world.

So Five can’t attack physically, has to just stand there and listen. Has to take those words, and take them into his heart, and stand there bleeding from wounds that no one can see

and he’s Five. So none of them would expect it when their words actually hurt him, actually make him stagger back as if hit by a physical blow, none of them expect their venomous barbs to actually make their brother cry

but them not expecting it just makes it easier to hide. He can jump out of a conversation and just be considered rude and inconsiderate and he can hide away while he shakes apart at the seams and has to rebuild his walls from scratch

(what a useful power, right? what a useful escape)

i think there might eventually be frustrated tears, brought about by accusation that Five... doesn’t care about them and everything piles up and just -

the idea that his siblings don’t know, can’t know, about everything he’s sacrificed for them. Every time he sees them dead behind his eyelids when he goes to sleep. Every second he thought about them, every moment he tried to get back to them. Five is shit at expressing how much he cares about his siblings to his siblings, but don’t actions speak louder than words? Hasn’t he shown them how much he loves them? How much it would kill him if he had to go through losing them ever again?

I imagine at some point there’s a breakdown, Five howling about how he thought about them every single day, that he worked tirelessly to get back to them, to save them. Fuck the world. He was never interested in saving the world. His entire world is his family, and he shaking and shuddering and yelling at them because they don’t understand

he probably doesn’t even realize he’s crying until someone points it out, honestly

tbh five kind of deserves his breakdown, and his siblings deserve to witness how much he actually does care about them and maybe then he’ll finally get the hug he deserves

#ask game #heacanon game #tua #the umbrella academy #five hargreeves #number five #and that's all i have to say about that i think #siblings just be like that tbh #when you know someone well you know what they're sensitive about and know how to dig in and hurt them #and the hargreeves have a bad habit of wanting others to hurt when they're hurting #:/#Anonymous

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bpdanakins · 3 years

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i just infodumped to my friends about bpd anakin and i have No Regrets snakjdkajfsk

anyway, doth thee have any more bpd anakin (or just anakin in general) headcanons becuase i am living for this

I am So Sorry this took so long, but hopefully the length makes up for it. Thank you so much for sending this to me bc BPD!Anakin is my entire life. I could talk about it all day, every day.

I’d like to thank @apple-grass-and-smiles for helping me organize my Thoughts on all of this, prompting me to focus on certain things and giving me feedback in general too.

Okay, here goes:

Anakin fidgets!! I’m not even sure if this is a headcanon but if it is I will die on this hill. He can’t stay still for the life of him and doubly so when he’s anxious, nervous or Ready To Do Something Already.

We know Anakin can’t hold eye contact to save his life when he’s upset or insecure, but I can also see him having issues with touch when he’s upset, unless it’s from certain people only (Padmé always gets a pass, for example).

Anakin’s quick to let some small stuff go, but larger things people do that hurt him (whether intentionally or not) aren’t really ever forgotten, and he just kind of takes that in and suppresses it, until random moments when it pops up, he remembers, and it just hurts like it’s happening all over again. The people around him often have no idea what fully sets him off, bc to them, his reaction now seems out of nowhere while his mind’s still stuck on this other thing. - His reactions also seem sometimes like they’re Over The Top, but even just remembering past hurts can feel almost disabling at times. It’s worse when he ends up ruminating on it, because the hurt and feelings of betrayal just keep building up over and over until it almost blots everything else out.

When he’s happy or surrounded by those he loves, everyone kind of can feel it too, bc he’s just fuckoff powerful in the Force and esp other Force sensitives kind of gather around his space and just… his affection and excitement are literally infectious.

This probably runs closer to ADHD than BPD for sure, but get him talking about anything mechanical (robotics, engineering, racing, etc) and he will go from 0 to 100 so fast you’d get whiplash. No one minds though bc, as I said, his excitement is infectious and honestly those around him just adore listening to him go off even though half of it goes over their head. - Ahsoka may not ever get Gotta Go Fast, but she definitely loves it when he really talks her ear off about all this stuff, bc it makes her excited to learn and she picks up on all of it easily. (There’s a part of her that wants to emulate him and she does def look up to him obviously.) - We see it with Obi-Wan, but people love to use his love of all things mechanical as a way to distract him from things that upset him. It doesn’t always work but they try.

With Obi-Wan, he ends up on the side of Anakin’s splitting like, all the time. And unfortunately sometimes Obi-Wan can’t tell that Anakin’s lashing out not because of something Obi-Wan’s actually done, but bc Anakin’s young and Obi-Wan’s the figure he can project a lot of his frustrations on. - It can lead Obi-Wan to being confused and hurt sometimes, bc he doesn’t always understand Anakin’s thought processes when this happens, and it definitely sometimes cuts him to the core. On the reverse side, though Anakin might not always say it to his face, Obi-Wan definitely can overhear him at times when Anakin’s ready to 1v1 anyone who even so much as makes a frowny face about Obi-Wan, which helps Obi-Wan remember that Anakin does love him too, actually. - It ends up being one of the points of frisson between Anakin and Mace, bc Anakin can’t read body language perfectly, especially when it comes to feelings of abandonment or someone seemingly not loving who Anakin loves to the same degree. Mace has a drier sense of humor at times and defs has a more resting frowny face, and this rankles Anakin at times bc he can’t always tell when Mace is just chilling vs being disappointed, and while Anakin will take it all personally, he ALSO takes any perceived criticism to those he loves personally too. - Both Mace and Obi-Wan don’t get this bc they have a perfectly fine relationship. Anakin’s just Like That. - (And super overprotective of people’s perceptions of Obi-Wan. Anakin will go off about Obi-Wan being mean and all that, but fuck you and your entire family tree if you ever even think Obi-Wan’s anything short as the most amazing Jedi to ever Jedi.)

Everybody and their mother can see the pedestal Anakin puts Padmé on, and surprisingly she rarely is on the end of his splitting. When he does, he just internalizes it bc he can’t stand the idea that he’s somehow seen her in a wrong light, or he feels guilty for getting angry with her. - He also defines a huge chunk of his life around loving her, making her his center for a lot of his decisions and reactions, so when they’re off, his whole world seems backwards. It makes him Really uncomfortable and unsure. He gets panicky and upset and often people have no idea what the cause is so they just end up a lil panicky in return. - He tends to take it out on others, by doing an exercise or by disappearing to fiddle with something. - Pads has an easier time recognizing Anakin’s emotional needs, bc in some ways they’re the same as hers. She’s good at reaching out to him, comforting him and reassuring him of her love. And in turn, he like, never fucking shuts up about how much he loves her, and those moments are what make her feel so special around him. Being loved by Anakin makes someone feel important and even get tingly, bubbly happy feelings, because it’s hard to doubt it sometimes. - There’s a part of her that sometimes worries about how Intense he is, but, like I said, when his positive intense emotions are focused on you, it feels wonderful. And he’s genuinely super sweet and gentle, and she appreciates that, when she tells him to back off about something, he’ll listen to her wishes. (I’m using movie Anakin as my base here bc TCW!Anakin in this regard is just…. bad y’all lmao)

Anakin’s anxious about Ahsoka All The Time. He’s afraid he’s a bad teacher, he’s afraid he’ll mess her up somehow, he’s afraid he’ll hurt her or she’ll get hurt, and that’s why he can’t stand the idea sometimes of her being on her own. It’s not a lack of trust in her abilities, but because he feels responsible for her, and that’s why he’s always ready to put himself between her and literally anything that could potentially hurt her. (Even if it’s not a physical threat.) - There are times she finds this amusing and times this makes her angry, but mostly she is long suffering. There are times she appreciates it though, bc she’s still a kid and isn’t always sure which way is up, especially when in a war. Anakin is often a cornerstone for her, and though she’d literally NEVER admit it, his overprotectiveness can sometimes be a reassurance. She knows she can handle herself just fine, but when she has an inkling of doubt, she’ll remind herself that Anakin will be there, and then go and take care of the problem herself. - She doesn’t always get his moments where he’s not always falling over himself to talk Obi-Wan up or go out of his way to sass at him. To her, they have a wonderful relationship and she rarely notices when Obi-Wan might say something that pokes at Anakin wrong, so she often just winds up ???? when Anakin is huffy or annoyed with her grandmaster. - She sees Anakin’s anger issues a little more easily than others, and she worries about it but always brushes it off or downplays it, bc she always sees why he’s angry, and also always just assumes (like everyone else) that he can Handle It. - Anakin’s recklessness and impulsivity are some of her favourite things about being his padawan. He’s literally never boring to be around, and Ahsoka needs that sort of excitement to sometimes push aside the knowledge that she’s literally in a warzone. Anakin’s also really good at doing this intentionally; he’s literally always worrying after her, and all he wants to do is take care of those he loves and make them happy, so sometimes he’ll be Extra just to get under her skin or distract her and honestly this is the basis of where their playful competitions always come from.

If Ahsoka is long suffering, Rex is doubly so. Sometimes it’s all he can do to keep up with Anakin and Ahsoka, but he appreciates Anakin “thinking outside the box”. He also appreciates knowing that Anakin is just as loyal to him and his men as he himself is (well… Anakin is until he isn’t lmao) - Rex, like Pads, is really good at picking up Anakin’s moods and even trains of thought, so he’s always able to work around that, or even see where Anakin’s mind is going when coming up with a plan. They make a really good team bc while Anakin can jump from one idea to another without them seemingly correlated, Rex immediately follows Anakin’s leaps and they just end up in sync. - That being said, Anakin can be really confusing at times. His moods are often so all over the place, that Rex generally has no idea what tf is going on. He deals with it by learning to be calm when Anakin’s unable to, and just ride out Anakin’s worst moods until they pass by, learning not to let it all phase him. Anakin lowkey hates it when he’s upset, but once the worst of it passes, he really appreciates that Rex will just… not press like Obi-Wan, or balances out the moments Anakin’s mind is so cluttered by instead just keeping a good focus on things.

Probably everyone’s most baffling symptom of Anakin’s is his paranoia. Obi-Wan kind of sees it the most, because Anakin is always testy with the Council and often feels put on the spot, dismissed and looked down upon. To everyone else, they don’t get where Anakin’s ideas come from, bc everything seems chill on their end. His fretting about others’ well-being is straightforward enough, but his instant panic-turned-anger shift when he receives any criticism (especially the perceived type) always gives people whiplash. It’s hard to keep up with, hard to see what it was that got to him so much, and hard to know how to help (particularly when they’re worried that trying to help him will feel like “taking sides”). - Ahsoka takes Anakin’s POV of the Council pretty easily, at least when it comes to him. This is mostly bc she’s not there when there’s a meeting or tension around them, nor was she there when Anakin first arrived, so she just assumes they must genuinely often have issues with him too. She doesn’t see it to the extent Anakin does though, but she recognizes that sometimes he seems to blow things out of proportion when he’s upset, and figures it’ll just blow over once he’s calmed down. - Pads, on the other hand, is always kind of aware of Anakin’s fears of losing her. He often not-so-subtly looks for reassurances that she loves him and won’t leave him, that she’s feeling alright or not angry/annoyed with him. She chalks it up to his trauma with his mother (and she’s partially right), so even when sometimes it gets on her nerves that he seems to doubt her so much, she tries to remind herself of that and let it go.

Those closest to him can pick up that Anakin tends to see the negative in things, and is generally really hard on himself. They try to help out by giving praise where it’s due and just overall Being There, but it’s Rough to know they often don’t get through. (Palps, on the other hand, knows how to weaponize this.)

The saddest part is that I don’t think anyone once thought Anakin was Seriously Ill, partly out of ignorance, partly bc they assumed it had to do with his age/upbringing, and partly bc, eventually, everyone was dealing with trauma and even if someone wanted to send Anakin back to the Temple to have a nap or something, they legit couldn’t bc there was a war going on and he also would never have tolerated it at that point in time. - Obi-Wan’s the one who worries about all of this the most, because he’s always felt such a huge responsibility for Anakin and loves him a lot, he’s just never fully been able to understand how to get on the same wavelength as Anakin. - Anakin, too, actually never fully figures out that there is something Going On. Everything’s always overwhelming him and even though he prefers doing things at 100mph, sometimes it seems like there is Too Much going on, and even during peace times it just felt like he couldn’t keep up with everything. He hates internal reflection but also can’t stop overthinking about everything, and so he just ruminates and goes in circles and often just ends up going nowhere when it comes to dealing with things. He tries his hardest all the time, he is ALWAYS trying, but doing stupid stunts, fighting droids, making robots and speeding everywhere all the time is truthfully only a bandaid. - Being surrounded by those he adores and receiving affection from them/seeing them happy boosts his mood a lot but he doesn’t have enough self-awareness to guess at why his happier moods just won’t last. - Sometimes he can figure out when he’s being irrational and then just takes it out on himself, which only exacerbates his bad episodes.

Palpatine doesn’t help. He’s abusive, manipulates Anakin all the time and is the Worst and definitely makes everything Anakin is struggling with harder and I think we should all just punt him into a sun thank you this isn’t a headcanon I just want everyone to know how much I hate him

#this is like... super long im sorry lmao #and it's probably a bit all over the place anyways #long post #also idr much about mace's characterization so i'm Pretty sure he has a dry sense of humour but idr so lmao forgive that #borderline anakin skywalker #also a lil bit of #adhd anakin skywalker #i focused a bit on his bpd + his relationships here #but if there was something else you'd have preferred my ideas on please lmk #or even if this was remotely close to what you wanted in general #star wars #anakin headcanons #this is my first time doing a like... headcanon list or just some rambling list of ideas so skjlkjsd rip me #gray-does-stuff #ask

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gaynoctgar · 4 years

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Prompto’s Brotherhood Arc is Fatphobic 2, Electric Boogaloo: Haley’s Back and She is Pissed

This essay is going to be an even deeper dive into the fatphobia that permeates Prompto’s character arc, and is going to handle the issue with more grace and nuance than I did the first time. This is also going to explore the effects the arc had on me as a player, and on other players who share my experiences. It is going to be very organized, long, and methodical (word count: ~5300). It’s a bit of a doozy, but it is something I feel it is very important. I have been wanting to elaborate on my previous Prompto essay for a long time, and for reasons I will detail below, I feel that I am ready to do this now.

Consider this a sequel to my earlier essay, and I will be referencing it throughout.

Stand back everyone; Haley’s about to get mean and personal.

Under the cut for safety and length, please avoid if the subject is triggering to you! Take care of yourselves!

Thank you all so, so much for hearing what I have to say.

TW: fatphobia, eating disorders (both in terms of Prompto and of the author)

Intro

All right everyone, buckle in. Last time I think I was a little bit too nice about this. Last time I think I let a little too much go. But I’m a full three years older now and I’ve seen a few more things. And now I think it’s time that I really just let loose and criticize the fuck out of Square for something they have consistently done wrong, and that is the way they have handled issues with weight in regards to one Prompto Argentum.

Many of you may know that Prompto is one of my favorite characters in anything ever. This very sideblog, in fact, used to be named for him (old url was promptoisbi). It’s because of this that I hate that he’s so consistently shit on by the narrative, but right now we are talking about the out-of-universe insidiousness of the fatphobia that completely permeates this story.

The first essay is right here but the TL;DR version of that is essentially “the way that Prompto’s weight loss in Brotherhood is portrayed as a moral and positive good and in fact necessary for him to be a protagonist is immensely fatphobic. Because the game refuses to problematize this, I am going to, and I’m going to contextualize that with my own experiences to help explain why this is so fucked.” At that time, I was recovering from long-term anorexia, and I think that permeated a lot of what I wrote. I don’t regret this, and I still think the essay is pretty solid. But I’m not a woman who won’t admit her own limitations, and one of mine at the time was that a lot of my fatphobia was internalized. Now that I am healing, now that I have talked to other people with experiences that mirror my own (notably @chubbyargentum), I think I am in a better place to articulate what upsets me.

The rest of the essay will be divided into six parts, themed as follows:

A redux of my central criticism in the first essay, that the narrative treats Prompto’s weight loss as a positive, moral good. In fact, it’s necessary for him to be seen as a protagonist.

Detailing that Prompto’s weight loss was directly motivated by another character, and this other character does not apologize to Prompto at all for his previous behavior. We are in fact supposed to believe that him saying what he said was a good thing.

Evidence that Prompto still legitimately has an eating disorder from his trauma. This goes unexamined by the story, and in fact seems to be actively encouraged by other characters, notably Ignis and Noct. This isn’t to bash the characters, but the way they are written.

Points 1 and 3 combined produce a genuinely triggering experience for players like me; this is where I detail some of my own history with weight and eating problems.

Anticipating pushback, I propose two alternative scenarios that avoid the problems outlined in parts 1-4: one where Prompto doesn’t lose weight, and one where he does but it’s handled a lot more sensitively.

A personal look at what (and who) actually motivated me to do a Part 2 to my essay.

Followed by a TL;DR conclusion if you want to jump right to the heart of things. I know this is a long essay, and I don’t apologize, but I do want to make it accessible to those who might have a harder time reading something so long.

Time to knock down these points, one by one:

Part 1: Equating Weight Loss to Morality

Prompto’s episode in Brotherhood, “Dogged Runner,” serves as our introduction both to Prompto as a character, and pulls double-duty to show us how he becomes involved in the life of a prince. Gladio and Ignis’ episodes did not have to do this double work because they are in Noct’s life by occupation, but Prompto, being a commoner, needs this introduction. Unfortunately, this episode is not twice as long to handle the double workload it gave itself, and the plot clearly suffers for it. For those who don’t remember, Prompto seems to be a child who more or less raises himself--a shy boy who is in the same grade as Noctis. He is quite obviously overweight, and the episode in fact chooses to focus the bulk of its attention on that rather than how he met Noctis (this will be explored in Part 2, below). This is what I take issue with.

Due to....an encounter, we’ll call it, with his royal classmate, Prompto becomes motivated to “improve himself to become someone worthy of a prince,” as described in Episode Prompto. Right off the bat, this description is implying that in order to be worthy of Noctis’ companionship--even independently of Noctis’ own actions, which will be problematized in the next section--he must be different than the way he is.

This...doesn’t make sense. We already saw that Prompto was a kind and generous soul, if rather shy. He took in “Tiny” of his own accord; he fixed her up and fed her and made sure she was healthy, solely out of the goodness of his heart. What else could this literal child need to “improve” about himself to make friends with Noctis? Well...the episode focuses on this in a way I would almost argue is objectifying. We see in excruciating detail how this literal child (I feel the need to mention again that Prompto is 12 years old and doesn’t seem to have consistent parents) approaches the world with a black-and-white mentality….that is, he seems to focus exclusively on eating salads and running an excessive amount (we’ll get to this more in Part 3). Further objectification occurs when we are shown repeatedly that a minor is taking “progress shots” of himself in his underwear.

A bit of a tangent, but the way that last one is drawn...y’all did remember Prompto was 14/15 at that time, right? Extra H points for Square, right there.

So yeah, once all of this happens, Prompto is finally deemed by the narrative to be acceptable enough to enter the life of a prince. Basically, if you’re fat, get a goddamn eating disorder and you can be a protagonist!

And I’m actually gonna take a second right now to address the more common, and generous, interpretation/criticism I am anticipating. I know what SE was trying to do here. They were trying to show us that Prompto’s “self-esteem” was the problem. That he needed to gain more confidence, and losing the weight didn’t actually solve that problem. I know this is the intent because the hotel scene exists. But...answer me this. Why is losing weight treated as an analogue for Prompto’s internal character growth? Why is losing weight an analogue for literally anything? If the issue was Prompto’s insecurity and shyness, there are a dozen other ways to show that. I can think of one right now: maybe have Noctis try to make friends and Prompto runs away because he gets nervous and tongue-tied and that’s the source of their lingering awkwardness. There you go, much better episode.

Part 2: Noctis is a dick

And I say this as a Noct stan. Y’all know I love him. With all my heart, I do. But...I don’t think he starts the game as a good person, in this respect at least. I do think he becomes one. And I think that his growth and maturation over the course of the game is absolutely a treat to watch.

I’m gonna immediately qualify this by saying I do not think Noct is a dick on purpose. Noctis is, in fact, unfailingly kind in most situations and this is one of his greater strengths. I just think he is just as much a victim of internalized fatphobia as Prompto is, despite not having the experience of being fat. I think two things contribute to this: biases that went unchecked by any of his caretakers, and genuine social difficulty brought about by his upbringing.

But now it’s time to get to….the incident. The reason these two know each other. After Prompto takes care of Pryna, she runs to deliver her letter to Noctis and eventually returns to Luna, as was her original mission. Luna, noticing Prompto’s name on a bandana tied around Pryna’s leg, tasks Gentiana to help her find this kind soul so she can thank him. Luna does, and Prompto receives a letter that soon becomes his prized possession. The princess operated on the assumption that Prompto and Noctis were friends, seeing as Prompto encountered Pryna, and asked that he remain “ever at [Noctis’] side.” Prompto takes these words to heart, and resolves to introduce himself to his royal classmate.

Here’s where the problems begin. We know that Prompto is shy because we have seen him before. He kinda kept to himself, away from the other kids, content to take his pictures. To Square’s credit, I was really expecting Prompto to be a target of bullying because of his weight and he wasn’t….yet. This actually makes his interaction with Noctis a lot worse, however. We all know what happens next: Prompto does try to introduce himself to the loner prince (who, by his own admission later, was also kinda shy), and he happens to trip. Noct goes to help him out because he’s kind at heart, and a confused Prompto thinks that Noctis means that he wants to see the camera. Noct is baffled and says something along the lines of “I meant you, dummy!” and goes to help Prompto up.

Honestly, end the scene here. They become friends because Noct is unexpectedly kind to someone he didn’t even know, and that sticks with Prompto, and they’re childhood best friends. Right? RIGHT?

If Square had had a modicum of decency, yes, this would have been how the scene closed. But then Noct had to open his fucking mouth. When trying to help Prompto up, he remarks that the poor boy is “heavy,” something that quickly and immediately impacts Prompto. Noct, also being 12, seems none the wiser and jovially heads off to meet Ignis. But Prompto? Prompto is….affected by this. He decides then and there that he has to not be heavy anymore if he wants to be Noct’s friend.

“But Haley!” I can hear y’all saying, “Isn’t it Prompto’s fault for internalizing a harmless comment in such a way? Why are you so angry at Noct because Prompto took it too seriously?” Or alternatively “Noctis was also a child, he didn’t mean it!!”

Well, it’s all about how the narrative treats the situation. I mentioned this before in Part 1, but the reason I’m mad at both Noctis and Square is because the narrative treats him as though he is in the right at all times. If the issue really was with Prompto as a character, then we wouldn’t have been shown his journey in such excruciating detail. We wouldn’t have been subjected to the downright harmful avenues he goes down in pursuit of this goal (see Part 3 for elaboration). We would have just seen Prompto trying to work on becoming more outgoing--maybe talking to his neighbors more often, for example.

One small scene in particular gets me here: we do see Noct return to the place where they met and he seems to be baffled by the fact that Prompto will not talk to him. We in fact know this to be the case because in the hotel scene, Noct explicitly says Prompto “should have said something sooner” in terms of starting their friendship. Now, this pisses me off for two reasons:

That this wasn’t addressed in Brotherhood itself. We see that Noct kinda wants to approach Prom again but doesn’t seem to know how. If we are assuming he messed up on accident, this would have been a great time for Ignis to tell him so, maybe motivate Noct to apologize.

That Prompto doesn’t immediately call Noct out for this line, or say something along the lines of “Well you kinda straight up insulted me when we first met.”

So, because neither of these scenarios is the case, I have to assume that Square wants us to think that Noct was correct to insult Prompto, and that him losing the weight is a good thing, in a narrative sense.

Finally, it’s straight up out-of-character for Noct to be this way. Not the misspeaking part, that is perfectly in-character. It’s the fact that this bias of his goes unchecked by Ignis or Gladio, and he is never made to apologize for hurting another person’s feelings. Part of growing up is realizing that sometimes your actions can hurt other people, even if you don’t intend for them to. The fact that the intent wasn’t there doesn’t mean the hurt wasn’t real. Since Square is so convinced that Noct needed to “mature” in this story...I am immensely disappointed that the opportunity wasn’t taken here for him to learn. And even more disappointed because I am pretty sure this is intentional. Every single one of Square’s fat characters is used as a side character or comic relief. In order for Prompto to be a protagonist, he had to lose weight, and to have Noctis--the central protagonist--be the character to directly motivate that is a slap in the face.

Part 3: Don’t Recover, Buddy!/ It’s actually good that you have “obesophobia”

So I know I put the trigger warning at the top of this, but I’m doing it again, because now I’m gonna talk about eating disorders. So this is your last chance to back out if that stuff is legitimately triggering, which I understand.

I’m gonna say it right now: Prompto has anorexia

[several people are typing…. .jpg]

I don’t think this is subtle, and I do think this is intentional, so let me break it down. Prompto exhibits a lot of the symptoms, and yes I am speaking from personal experience. He’s exhibited all of these from the moment Noct made that comment when they were kids, and, notably, only from that point on (hence why I wrote Part 2 the way that I did):

Prompto has an obsession with fixing meals. He’ll be the one that helps Ignis the most often. In Prompto’s case, this is a sign that he loves preparing the food, not so much partaking: classic hiding of symptoms. There is also the fact that most of the salads are his favorite meals, which yes, is a deliberate callback, but I don’t think it’s a good one.

Prompto runs a genuinely stupid amount. I think that exercise is well and good--I’m something of an exercise buff myself--but it’s the way that Prompto does it, to the point of exhaustion, that is a problem.

Despite being borderline underweight, Prompto legitimately still seems to think that he is still fat. This is supported by his reactions to multiple dialogues, which I’ll get to in a second, and the “obesophobia” thing on his character profile which….yeah I shouldn’t even have to explain that one. Prompto is legitimately afraid that he will gain weight--specifically, that he will be fat again.

The fact that according to that same profile, Prompto’s photography habit started when he took progress photos of himself!! So he’s also got some legit body dysmorphia going on.

These are the ones that are most obvious to me, anyway.

“Now okay, Haley,” y’all are furiously typing, “so what that Prompto has anorexia? That’s a relatable character flaw!”

Well….one, no it isn’t. A disorder of any kind is not a character flaw. I’d be willing to let that slide if the following were not also true: other characters seem to reinforce these behaviors of Prompto’s, and I am looking directly at Ignis and Noct. Let’s start with Ignis. I’m sure we have all gotten the random dialogue of

Prompto: All right, let’s hit up the Crow’s Nest! Ignis, for no fucking reason: If you wish to put on weight? Certainly. Prompto, defeated: Yeah, I know…

Every time I get this dialogue I want to yell and also want the option to kick Ignis out of the party. Also the fact that no one steps up on Prompto’s behalf (notably, you know, his goddamn best friend!!) is a bit of an Issue too. Another one involves Ignis, but I have only gotten it once, so I can’t remember it exactly, but Ignis says something to the effect that he can make “whatever [Prompto] wants” for dinner and Prompto says “Yeah, it’s the wanting that’s the problem.” That’s...that’s horrifying and y’all should be concerned for your friend.

To turn my attention back to Noct, objectively the most important person to Prompto, we need go no further than “Why is your face so fat?” in selfies.

This one legitimately made me mad. Prompto panics and retaliates with “What?? I’m not fat!!” (notably, he said “I” and not “my face,” which is a bit of a slip), and Noctis is supposed to be his best friend. I was somewhat okay with Noct being passive in the earlier incidents, because maybe he wanted to spare Prompto the group drama that would ensue, but Noct directly engaging in it actively pissed me off. I also want to say this isn’t me bashing on the characters in the slightest, I am simply calling attention to the way they are written. Because they are not called out by anyone else, because this behavior is treated as acceptable, I have to assume the narrative wants me to agree with them.

The only conclusion I can gather from this is that not only are the bros aware of Prompto’s disorder, but they actively encourage it. Which would only further Prompto’s assumption that they only will love and accept him if he looks a certain way. No wonder the poor kid was so freaked out about his barcode!

Part 4: This shit is triggering to players

The subtitle for this section should be “Haley talks about how deeply “Dogged Runner” affected her in a PTSD kind of way” because that’s what I’m going to be doing. Second trigger warning for eating disorders and weight talk, because that’s what this is gonna be. This also is not going to be nice. I have strong language for Square:

Here’s where I come clean about why this issue matters so fucking much to me, and why I am now freely and openly saying “fuck you” to Square every chance I get. When I first saw Brotherhood, I was at a stage in my life where I was not coping well with my body image. I had my first brush with anorexia in high school, but it was coming back because I was in a new place, and I felt like that was the only thing in my life that I could control. So I had been eating less and falling back into the habit, except...this time I had my support system. So I thought. I went into the anime wanting to learn more about the characters I had come to love, and I walked out of it thoroughly triggered and horrified that Square would stoop to such shoddy, lazy, and harmful storytelling.

I had...a moment, here. I won’t detail the breakdown too much but I was genuinely not okay. To see behaviors that I had ferociously clawed my way out of, and was violently resisting once more, portrayed not only as not unhealthy, but as desirable for people like me...it genuinely felt personal. And, I imagine I wasn’t the only player who felt that way. In fact, because I have talked to other people like me, I know this is the case.

Let me take you on a trip, for a moment. Humor me. Imagine you’re in your early 20s, and you’ve put a lot of ugly, horrible coping methods behind you. Imagine your best friend in the entire world, @nonbinary-recipehs, recommends this game they are playing, and you play it together and start to consume its media. Imagine the horror and dread that settles on the both of you watching this episode, which rings so similarly to the times you passed out from lack of food, from over-exercising, from over-straining yourself to be this idealized version of thinness. Imagine seeing that the outcome of this episode isn’t Prompto getting the support he needs from his friends, but that the narrative legitimizes his suffering. In fact, this brutal suffering and rapid loss of weight was necessary to justify this character’s relevance to the narrative! Imagine how that must make you feel. Maybe those coping methods that were so horrible actually weren’t. It worked for Prompto, maybe it’ll work for you!!

Perhaps that little thought experiment will help you understand what this whole situation can feel like to players like me, to people who have struggled with internalized fatphobia and with eating disorders, who have been called heavy, who have been made to feel as though their worth is in their thinness. Fuck you, Square. Fuck you for not having an ounce of consideration for how this might possibly look. Fuck you for not considering people like me as complete people. Fuck you for making me watch a character I love suffer, not to tragedy, but to an illness that could have been avoided if anyone had shown him even an ounce of respect or care or decency or decorum--

…

I did warn y’all I was angry, this time.

Part 5: Two Alternative Scenarios that would Avoid All This

“So Haley,” you’re saying, somehow having read past the rant in the previous section, “if Square did it so horribly, how would you have done it?”

That, my dear reader, is an excellent question. In fact, I’ve got two solutions, which I will explain and elaborate upon below:

The first is rather simple: Prompto doesn’t actually lose the weight and becomes a canonical fat character. Absolutely nothing else would change about the story or Prompto’s character except for the following:

Noctis would become curious as to why this new friend of his was avoiding him. He then has the opportunity to open up to Ignis or Gladio and reflect on what he said, and realize that he actually hurt Prompto’s feelings. This motivates him to apologize, and the two become Actual Childhood Friends.

Prompto just Has This Body Type Now and nobody says dick about it, that’s just the Way He Looks

You could explore internalized fatphobia I suppose but I don’t actually trust Square to do this sensitively. You know who I do trust? Liam ( @chubbyargentum ), who writes the Nighttime Sunshine AU and fic.

All of the previously mentioned fatphobic comments are completely removed because all the bros love and support him.

Prompto isn’t the comic relief because of his size, he just happens to be both. Yes, there is a difference, and no, I am not going to derail the essay by explaining that.

Prompto would still absolutely kick ass, take names, shoot people, love chocobos...all the shit he does in canon. But now, you have a character who didn’t have to be completely humiliated to get to this point. Now you just...have a guy who happens to be friends with the prince, because he is kind and caring.

But okay, let’s take another approach. Let’s say Prompto does still lose weight. How, then, do we accomplish this without being fatphobic or debasing Prompto’s character like canon did?

That leads me to solution 2: Prompto does lose weight, but it’s incidental. Let me explain what I mean here:

Let’s have a situation in which the apology does still happen as I outlined in the first solution. Childhood friends is a thing.

As such, Prompto becomes...increasingly curious at all the cool training Noct does.

Noct is….embarrassed about this, I think. Because Prompto doesn’t like Understand What It All Means...and they’re still pretty young. Noct doesn’t want him to understand.

But Prompto? He wants to be able to Do Cool Shit, especially if it means defending his best bro who also happens to be the prince. And he doesn’t want Noct to do any of this alone. He asks to train with Noct, no special treatment (except for like the fact that he legit can’t do magic).

Gladio...allows this, begrudgingly. Then, permanently, when he notices Noct tries harder as a result of showing off.

Prompto starts to learn how to take care of himself from Gladio, and from Ignis, who has...gathered that Prompto doesn’t exactly have parents, and becomes invested in helping him learn how to cook healthy meals for himself. Who knows? Maybe the healthy eating will rub off on Noct!

The result is that, over time, Prompto does lose some weight...and starts to bulk up as Puberty Happens. However. This is all incidental. Prompto never set out to lose weight because he hated himself or felt unworthy, like in canon. He set out to become strong and train with his best bro. This is absolutely critical.

With this solution, Prompto does lose weight, but doesn’t become the borderline underweight young man with an eating disorder we all know and love. Instead, he’s been brought up around healthier traditions, which makes him immensely more suited for the role of Crownsguard when that time comes. In fact, he might have entered it at age 18 just like Gladio and Ignis did, despite Noct’s protests. Another thing I like about this solution is that it shows how Prompto is friends with Ignis and Gladio; how those relationships developed independently of Noctis, and why these four really are the family unit the game wants me to think they are.

And with these two solutions, I believe I have laid out some much stronger backstories for our beloved boy that avoid all of the...unfortunate implications of his canon backstory. I only wish that Square had thought about their implications just a little bit more, and done Prompto some true justice.

Part 6: What motivated this essay, and the power of shared experience

This isn’t really a proper conclusion, that’ll be in TL;DR, but I would be remiss to not include what actually motivated me to write this massive essay, and also share it with all of you. The sharing part, I think, is super critical. When you inhabit marginalized identities, and in this case I specifically mean having a fat body, it can be...difficult to share and discuss your experiences. Harder, still, to be public about them, and to criticize media that perpetuates these harmful ideas. But here I am, doing that. Here’s why that is.

About a month ago, I met @chubbyargentum, who is called Liam. I was cruising through the promptis tag, as you do, and found his Nighttime Sunshine AU, and his blog is filled with excellent art for it as well. The premise of this AU, on its face, is very simple: it’s a story where Prompto and Noctis did not actually become friends in high school, and two very important things are different: Prompto is still fat, and Noctis is a closeted trans man. While I can’t speak to the trans experience, I can indeed speak to the experience of inhabiting a fat body. And this AU….spoke to me. I don’t want to spoil too much but there is a rather emotional scene that just...confronts everything I wanted Square to confront about this that they never did. He approaches the topic with so much sensitivity and nuance, something that is so rarely seen in fandom.

I’ve talked with Liam every day since, and my brain has consistently been enlarged. A lot of things I let slide before...felt so egregious to me that I had to say them. I’ve been confronting my own internalized prejudices towards certain kinds of bodies all the time, and I am learning every day. He’s become a very dear friend of mine, and I care deeply about him.

This also came at I guess you could say the “first climax” of my journey with weight loss, which I had never had success with despite the trauma I described in Part 4. I’ve lost...a significant amount of weight since March, and I think the reason I’ve had so much success is 1) the support of my friends (notably @nonbinary-recipehs, @pocket-prompto, and @chubbyargentum), and 2) not feeling like I hated myself anymore. I approached it as a journey to become more strong, not less fat. As I outlined in Part 4...Prompto’s Brotherhood episode and character backstory were and are legitimately triggering to me, and, I imagine, to many others. Liam had the confidence to put the content in the world that he wished to see, and this essay is helping me do the same.

Having other people who share your marginalized experiences and validate them...well, I’m sure many of you know. It’s a feeling like no other. And I’ve never really had this feeling explicitly about the experience of being fat until now. Now, I understand that my anger is in fact, righteous. And I am not afraid to say so. The power of shared experience motivated this essay and, in fact, everything that I do on this blog. I have come away from this AU with the bravery to say aloud what I have always known to be true.

So thank you, Liam. Thank you, big brain group. And thank you, readers, for listening to an experience that may or may not mirror your own, and for opening up your heart enough to hear the roughly 5000 words before this point. Thank you for making the effort to understand, and the effort to learn and grow.

TL;DR

I did promise to provide an easily digestible version of the…(checks word count) ~5000 words before this point, so here we go. The central thesis of this essay is something like “the way Prompto’s weight loss arc was portrayed in Brotherhood is horrendously fatphobic for a number of reasons.” I then broke it down into six major pieces: the first four being the fact that weight loss is treated as moral by the narrative, the uncharacteristically dickish actions of Noctis, the fact that Prompto’s disorder is encouraged by other characters, and the out-of-universe triggering effects the story has. In the fifth piece, I outlined two alternative scenarios: one where Prompto doesn’t lose weight at all and remains fat, and one where he does lose weight but healthily so and fleshes out his character. In the final piece, I explained the motivation behind writing this essay, namely interacting with other fat fans like @chubbyargentum. I explained all of these points in great detail, being careful to stress that my issue with this isn’t any of the individual characters, but the bias that motivates the writing.

So...what now? Well, I’m not really sure. But this was something I really had to put into the world. I think it is important and necessary to speak up and criticize media that harms you. And you know what? Final Fantasy XV is still my favorite game. It is because I love it so much that I was motivated to write this, and by sharing it, I hope to contribute to a greater discussion about fatphobia in gaming, and in life.

#final fantasy xv #ffxv #tw fatphobia #tw eating disorders #prompto argentum #please be respectful with this one #i feel like this is an unpopular opinion #but it is incredibly necessary that i say this #because it is something i believe #and because I don't want square to continue to get away with it #thank you for read #haley.exe #haley writes ffxv #haley has opinions #i'm preparing for so much hate

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