#SUCH a pain i hate myself for this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

todayisafridaynight · 5 months

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this writing shit hard as hell

#snap chats #i was gonna joke that i should just pay someone but. but that is a thing i could do #HOWEVER i would not want to inflict my arasawa mental illness onto an unsuspecting victim #also i wanna write something for once :( weh :(#i was writing something but then i decided i hated it #but i stiillll wanna write so im scouring the internet for prompt inspo #nothings working....... mostly cause most of the lists im finding are nsff....#which i might steal for My Personal Folders or goofy comics OOP but still #i almost wanna rb a prompt list and ask for prompt numbers but SIGH #i dont even know exactly what i wanna write #sometimes i think of trying to write something serious but i dont have any strengths in that. im too silly.#i guess i kinda have a fic in mind.......hmmmm...... gonna go play with the idea in docs for a minute #will prob abandon it cause even now that im thinkin on it i dont really wanna do it but ill see #I Repeat my main problem with fic writing is that i always end up wanting to draw it instead #SUCH a pain i hate myself for this #need people to tell me what to write or ill die i hate it here

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worthless-misery · 4 months

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Dear diary...

The fact that I'm still "alive" in 2024 just feels like a huge mistake...

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ithinkimauggie · 1 month

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Mm, yes... The one you call Benrey...

I've been advised by my employers that, his true nature is on something of a "need-to-know" basis...

And you, Doctor Freeman, do not need to know...

ayo fuck this painting lol have another cropped vers

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wistfullywaiting2 · 24 days

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The biggest misconception in the bsd fandom ever to me is people constantly portraying Atsushi as someone who trauma dumps excessively when he canonically barely talks about it at all.

The entire point is that Atsushi does not talk about his trauma he’s just constantly thinking about/reliving it. He can’t escape the memories of his past so he tries not to acknowledge them.

He only mentions it when asked, either directly or when someone asks him to explain himself.

Atsushi doesn’t even give a cohesive explanation for what he saw while under Dogra Magra, he just apologizes to Haruno and Naomi.

If Lucy hadn’t had her whole “you’ve never suffered the way I have” spiel then I doubt even the audience would’ve gotten to find out about his scars

If Akutagawa never asked him how it felt for the orphanage headmaster to die Atsushi would have never told him that he’s been hallucinating.

In the omake where Kyoka asks him why his hair is like that it’s clear he wouldn’t have told her that unless she had asked.

In 55 minutes Atsushi very briefly mentions sleeping on a dirty floor somewhere to Kunikida because he was trying to explain and justify his behavior.

And the thing is that there are scenes that implies that the other characters see Atsushi behaving strangely and are visibly confused because they do not understand what’s wrong with him.

Remember, we as an audience get to see things about characters that the main cast doesn’t. Just because we see into Atsushi’s mind doesn’t mean the other characters know what’s going on in there.

Also little footnote here that I think the scenes with Lucy and Akutagawa in specific are probably references to the moon over the mountain but I digress

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dumbasswithapen · 3 months

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can we just listen to Disabled people when they say what accommodations they need??? Like it really isn’t that hard to just take someone’s word on what is best for their own body! Whether it’s more or less or different than what you deem they need it really isn’t your place to say!!!

Sometimes, people need more than they show! Especially if they’re used to being in pain all the time, then they won’t always display that discomfort.

Sometimes the accommodations someone needs are different than what you assume. A friend who struggles with noise sensitivity may ask for you to turn on a different type of music, instead of turning it down, and if that is what they express they need you don’t have to say “oh no I can just turn it down!” and ignore them saying that that isn’t necessary because your idea of noise sensitivity is different than their own experiences and needs.

And sometimes people need less than you try to provide! Or simply don’t want that accommodation at the time! And here’s the crazy part: this applies even if what they say to do could hurt them. Obviously this isn’t a rule for every situation*, but for some it absolutely is. If your friend wants to tag along for, say, a hike, and they have joint pain it isn’t your place to add in “oh no but they can’t do [the hike]! They’ll be in pain! We have to do something else to accommodate them!” If that person expressed a desire to go, especially if offered other options prior that wouldn’t hurt them, let them live. Let them do the thing that puts them in pain, because Disabled people don’t always want to be shoved into a little box of safety. Absolutely sometimes they do, and some might always want to, but if they don’t, then let them make their own choices for their body. Just as anyone else does. You go out and get drunk, even if it gives you a hangover. You go skating even if you’re shit at it and scratch up your knees a bunch. Just because someone is Disabled doesn’t mean that they can’t do the same thing and do that fun thing that hurts them.

I don’t know if I’m displaying my point how I want, so here’s my own example: I am allergic to the cold. Anything below 60 degrees (f) I get hives. Any water cooler than a fucking warm shower I get hives. My joints don’t do great when it’s cold out. This does not mean that when I say I want to go swimming, you can say “oh but you can’t you’ll get hives!” Or “no you can’t do that you’ll be in pain!” Because. I know that. I know that. I know my Disability better than anyone else can, and I can ask for accommodations I need. I am not a child to be wrapped in bubble wrap so I don’t get hurt. My body is my body and I can do with it what I want, and face the consequences. Likewise, just because I said I wanted to go swimming doesn’t mean that when I don’t want to go out and muck around in the snow it is anyone’s right to say “oh but you wanted to swim earlier, so obviously it isn’t that bad for you!” Or “oh it’s fine it’s not that cold! Just wear a sweater!” Because at that time I need and want different accommodations and that should be listened to and considered accordingly, as far as it can be in that situation.

Seriously. Just listen to us. We are in our own bodies. We know ourselves. It really isn’t that hard

*a situation where this point would be null is, for example, a situation where the person has been peer pressured into doing something, or one where you know the person well and know that the endurance of pain is a self-harming behavior

#disability #disabled #information #shi rambles #ableism #accommodation #cold urticaria #chronic pain #Like I get that my mom wants the best for me but I really know myself #If I avoided getting hives I’d be avoiding swimming at all. I’d not be having cold drinks or foods. I’d be not going outside #Even if I’m complaining about being in pain it doesnt mean that I don’t want to do the thing. It just means I don’t want to be in pain.#I know that won’t change but it’s not the change that matters it’s the expression of it #idk #actually disabled #ugh I don’t like wiriting that i feel like a fraud cuz im not disabled “enough”#It’s so fucking stupid I hate my brain

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liauditore · 8 months

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cw// implied character death, double life nonsense

because you are love itself.

#my art #trafficblr #double life #divorce quartet #<-- insane about how scott killed pearl in limlife.#this comic has been sitting unfinished in my files for a good month its def not finished to my usual quality but god it needed to be done #so uh scott... yeah. i like villain scott but not pure evil scott. i like a scott whos scared of being loved and manipulates others to spar #himself the pain. i like a scott who ditched pearl because their friendship was actually becoming real and when the server gods confirmed i #with DL he freaked out a bit and ran off.#ofc u can interpret this comic however u want but i was just thinking way too hard abt smajhor #i feel like often ppl get divided into scott did nothing wrong vs scott is pure evil alot of the time #which is understandable cus like i said with fanart/fic u only have so much space to show someones personality #but idk i like him all angsty. like i know im a bad person but to keep myself safe i need to keep being like this.#hes so blorbo *puts him in a blender*#i hate him *wraps him up in a blanket and takes him home*#cw implied death #cw implied violence #scott #pearl

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gob-lob · 1 month

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bro i can watch gore in tv and i can even kinda sorta tolerate sex scenes but i cannot handle second-hand embarrassment. please get me out of here i want to die this is so humiliating i can’t watch this anymore

#daredevil #it’s so good but I’m stuck on this ep bc I can’t get past 1 minute of awkwardness #it’s been paused for the last 10 minutes i’m trying to comfort myself through it but it’s not working #S2 E7 Semper Fidelis is the ep btw #they’re at court and they need to give an opening statement and they’re woefully unprepared and Matt’s not there and ohhh my gosh 😧#this is so so embarrassing it’s painful #I always experience such strong second-hand embarrassment in everything 😭😭😭 hate it so much

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good-soupmens · 8 months

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Ik the good omens fandom has different takes on God as a character, but I like the idea that she DOES have an ineffable plan, and Heaven is doing their absolute worst job carrying it out.

Most angels never talk to God, and they're usually selfish, they don't do the right thing (only what they're told), and it's even possible they're working under a corrupt power (like the Metatron). I like that theory because Metatron IS the barrier between God and the angels. He could easily lie to them and change plans, and we the audience know that "friendly old man metatron" swindling Aziraphale is not what he seems.

But from the beginning, we see inconsistency. Crowley falls from heaven after asking questions/hanging out with the wrong group while Aziraphale is allowed to lie about the flaming sword and change Heaven's plans. God can see how much he cares about humans and the earth by his actions (Crowley being the same), which makes me think that him getting away with it is intentional, not inconsistent or neglectful. ESPECIALLY if Aziraphale and Crowley run heaven and hell respectively in season 3. They have the power to change things, just like they stopped the world from ending the first time. I think Crowley and Aziraphale ARE the ineffable plan.

Their love could bridge the gap between opposing forces in a way that it couldn't if they were both angels. After all, both heaven and hell think they're doing the better thing while they're both not. Crowley and Aziraphale are the best of both sides.

If bringing them together was God's plan, it'd be a powerful story for queer Christians!! A lot of us have been hurt by the church, but we hold on to God's love, which doesn't fail us. We stay in a religion with a history of fighting queerness not because we're all brainwashed, but because we wholeheartedly believe in a God that loves us. Sometimes I see good omens' heaven as an analogy for toxic churches, and I'd love nothing more than for Aziraphale to realize heaven is working against God. Not to mention God using a gay couple to save the world/save heaven from corruption?? I'd kill for that storyline

Secondly, Aziraphale's devotion wouldn't have been for nothing. If God was awful the whole time, it defeats the times he and Crowley reached out, and the moment in the GOs1 finale where Crowley says, "what if you're going AGAINST God's ineffable plan?" to Gabriel and Beelzebub. (It'd almost defeat the purpose of her being the quirky narrator following their story, too.)

Even Crowley, never fooled by "heaven is all good" calls for God in his time of need ("God listening? Show me an ineffable plan.") (Possibly when he reaches to the sky in order to stop time) (Calling for God before Satan in the burning bookshop) (Looking up and muttering "God" after realizing Aziraphale is going to leave him in s2)

Lastly, after the trauma that both Crowley and Aziraphale went through, with Crowley falling and Aziraphale coming to terms with heaven's corruption (and both being mistreated by their side) it'd be nice to have been for a reason. They have every right to grieve and be angry for all that they went through, and the centuries that they weren't supposed to love each other, but I believe the series will end on a positive, sweet note, like the rainbow after a storm.

Like Job, they're losing almost everything (their relationship as it was, the bookshop, and the life they carved out), but they have each other. I think they'll lose everything to save EVERYONE, and in the end, the reward will top the pain. No holding back, no forces hunting them down, just them together after a PAINFULLY long time with everything they'd wanted.

We know that God doesn't get around to answering many questions, but her speech to Job was in part to say "trust me"

She laid the foundations of the earth. She made every living thing. Job couldn't see past the destruction of his life, but she has a plan. Job is a valuable human being, but he doesn't have the power and knowledge of God. God will share her plan when he can make a whale. Otherwise, he can trust that "Most things are fine in the end"

*Aziraphale voice* That's ineffable!

#ineffable husbands being the ineffable plan PLEASE #again. God being a good character in the end would mean a lot to queer christians like myself #and for the amount of times that ineffable is thrown around. it turns out ineffably #I'd like another reason to hate metatron also. I would love plot-wise for him to be the main villain #I also NEED Aziraphale to be right about some things. he was wrong for leaving Crowley but he should know what he's doing #his actions should be more important than “he's just brainwashed”#Crowley deserves reconciliation and a purpose for his pain #“it is not good for man to be alone” (God creating eve) parallel with putting aziracrow together #god good omens #good omens meta #metatron good omens #good omens season 3 #good omens theory #good omens #ineffable husbands #good omens season 2 #crowley #aziraphale #aziracrow #good omens spoilers #crowley good omens #ineffable plan #queer christian

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supanuts · 3 months

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you really are the worst, the worst.

#pit babe #pit babe the series #garfield pantach #s vorarit #pitbabeedit #pbep10 #sasa gifs #time for more pain and suffering #kenta my darling #why do i keep giffing scenes with so many blurry frames i hate myself #tw blood #just in case

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owlyflufff · 3 months

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haikyu's dumpster batte is only going to be around 1 hour and 24 minutes, oh it's genuinely bokuakaover

#knowing that we're likely not going to get an ova too is painful <//3 #m sorry to go off on a bit of a tangent #but I can't help but feel bitter that an actually good series with coherence and amazing characters just gets treated like this #and series like jjk and demon slayer get to have such good adaptations?#I don't hate both series btw as I watch them myself but even I have more criticisms in their story and charas compared to hq #jjk at this rate is being carried by satosugu shippers and popularity the story honestly is slowly losing substance :'DD #and it's disappointing such a series manages to get to have a consistent adaptation vs a good and inspiring story #which is why I can't help but feel <//3 whenever ppl rant about the jjk animation cause it's better than the hq treatment TvT #don't get me started on demon slayer I have mixed feelings about that series as well but I love it for what it's worth xD #and if people say the hq fandom is being bitter or biased isn't it justifiable?#a consistent and amazing narrative gets butchered me thinks people have a right to feel the way they do #naturally the fandom is not downplaying the efforts of the animators and voice actors but we also have a right to feel the way we do #we feel the way we do out of genuine love for a series that inspired and helped us so much #it's just so unfair TvT #m terribly sorry again for ranting and dropping negativity but I feel really disheartened about this news #and not simply cause ofc we won't get the bokuaka match #but also because my favorite series doesn't deserve this #eli rambles #bokuaka #haikyu #haikyuu #haikyu!!#hq

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worthless-misery · 5 months

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Dear diary...

I will never be enough.

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sergle · 4 months

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I just got so Mad At A Tumblr Post and I'm trying so hard to be a normal person and not be Mad At A Tumblr Post

#i can't do this to myself i can't fume at the computer.....#GOD i hate when ppl w/o chronic pain speak as an authority on the topic.#sergle.txt #like hey you actually have none of the qualifications required to make authoritative statements about pain management lmao #I can never decide when to tell myself to let stupid shit pass me by and be well adjusted and prioritize my own Time and Blood Pressure #and just let it wash over me. water off a duck's back #and when it's time for me to write an entire essay on some stupid shit that pissed me off that some rando said

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wilsonsmcgillsweatshirt · 6 months

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Sorry, but I'm currently losing my mind over House's reading glasses and the process of him getting them. There are two main scenarios that I imagine.

1. He realizes his eyes are getting bad but refuses to go see the eye doctor. He's constantly squinting while trying to read, causing severe headaches and migraines. He continues to be stubborn, though, and argues that he's not old enough for his eyes to be failing. Wilson tries to reassure him that needing glasses doesn't always have to do with age and that kids need glasses all the time. House makes some stupid comments and stubbornly insists that he's fine. Eventually, they have a case and House somehow fucks it up because there's something he needs to read that he's unable to. This sets him off into a spiral of self-hatred, and he sulks until Wilson finds him and drags him to the eye doctor. House finally goes, but he's kicking and screaming the whole time (figuratively), and the doctor and entire staff hate him because he insults everybody and is a dick. Wilson's the only reason the doctor doesn't refer House to somebody else. Eventually, House gets his glasses but still stubbornly refuses to use them. Wilson comes with House to pick them up, and House spends the whole ride back glaring at the case. Wilson ends up hitting him upside the head (figuratively or not), and lectures him about using his glasses and reminds him of the case he fucked up. House then begrudgingly starts to wear his glasses, and Wilson makes everybody promise not to say anything. Foreman makes a dumb joke one day, and House either punches him or fires him (temporarily). Nobody mentions it again.

2. House slowly realizes that he's losing his eyesight. He spends a lot of time squinting at medical journals and trying to convince himself that he's fine, but then has to fight the urge to have a breakdown because he's so upset that another part of his body is struggling. He finally makes an appointment with the eye doctor, which he keeps quiet and doesn't tell anyone. Somehow, Wilson finds out anyway because Wilson always finds out, and he offers to come with House as moral support. House initially shuts him down, but he continues to have mounting anxiety about seeing the doctor due to what happened with his leg and his experience with doctors dismissing his pain. Wilson recognizes how House is feeling, and on the day of the appointment, he just invites himself and quietly goes along with House, and neither of them say anything about it. House is quiet and withdrawn during the appointment, but it all goes well, and a couple of weeks later, he picks up his prescription. After, they end up at Houses apartment, Wilson orders takeout, and they spend the night hanging out, drinking, eating, and watching monster trucks and soaps. Wilson sleeps on the couch, and the next morning, he finds House sipping on a cup of coffee, casually wearing his new reading glasses and looking at some new obscure study that came out. Wilson doesn't say anything about it and just smiles. The ducklings whisper about it to each other, but nobody ever brings it up to House, and eventually, nobody notices anymore.

#Why do I do this to myself #I am sobbing over both of these scenarios #pain #so much pain #house md #house #greg house #james wilson #gregory house #hilson #hate crimes md #hatecrimes md #wilson #housemd #Also glasses don't necessarily take a couple weeks to come in but it depends on your prescription and I have no idea what his is sooo #favs #favourites

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leonardcohenofficial · 3 months

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imagine not being in constant fucking physical chronic pain every single moment of every single fucking day could not be me

#in other news i am in a horrific flareup and i'm straight up gonna lose it #being in this much pain every single moment of my existence is getting real fucking old man #i am really grateful that one of my closest friends out here gave me a gift card to get a massage as a holiday gift because it'll at least #give me a modicum of relief (since stretching is not really something i'm supposed to do since being slightly hypermobile it means i could #injure myself ANYWAYS i hate it here) so hope that'll help on tuesday

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brainfilehasstoppedworking · 8 months

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Oh, don't mind me I'm just gonna— *shoots myself in the head*

#Yeah I'm not gonna mentally recover from this #Honestly...kinda a good end to both of them #Pain #I had to find it because I hate myself #sobbing crying #kiyotaka ishimaru #mondo owada #ishimondo #danganronpa #danganronpa trigger happy havoc

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xamaxenta · 3 days

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Feeling absolutely horrible gut wrenching imposter syndrome in regards to being trans like

The fact i haven’t bothered to do anything about my dysphoria or anxiety about dealing with it means i dont want to transition when i do and idk what to do and its so hard in this country where its very conservativr snd gblsjfbf

Basically trans experience sucking rn i feel like a huge loser and really gross in my own skin

But idk im terrified of having to speak to a fucking doctor about this because i always feel like theyre not gonna believe me.

#like. why do i have to prove myself to anyone.#i also just. have so much trauma around telling people im trans #i hate it that i do #but its the reason im resisting because the rejection would be so insanely painful #thanks mom and dad for that. ive never loved or trusted you since.#its a lie everyone wants to love their parents.#im just overwhelmingly sad about this #im so lost im so fuckingnfjfh #fuck me i hate myself so much #i hate how i look i hate how i sound o hold absolutely no love inside me for me #im always so wistful when i see those self love posts on IG or Twitter like #these people are so happy #with being them and im like why cant i feel that?#also vaguely related but drawing that trans sabo really ignited a fucking longing in my heart and it just feels so far away

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