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astrolavas · 1 year

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Wait that hunter and willow struggle with vulnerabilty essay you mentioned... Hand it over 🫵

KXJSK thank you for enabling my brainrot, let's GO 🫡

okay so, for starters, we all know both hunter and willow tend to hide their vulnerability, push down their feelings and repress a lot, but it's actually super interesting how they do it in completely different ways and for such different reasons.

i've already written one essay about hunter's tendency to do that here, but that was a while ago, so let's refresh it up a little bit with season 3.

hunter lived his entire life in the emperor's coven, as a magicless witch at that, isolated from everyone and manipulated. he got used to ignoring and hiding how he felt, because showing vulnerability in the coven was seen as weakness, and showing his real emotions could have genuinely very very bad consequences for him. especially with him having no magic, he was already disrespected and seen as lesser by everyone (for example, the covenheads) but he yearned to be respected, to be treated well, equally; so he couldn't afford to show any vulnerability there. and when it came to showing negative feelings near belos... well. that especially had the potential to take a dark turn really fast; to provoke belos to do something. it was genuinely dangerous for him to express his emotions, it wasn't safe for him at all. he could NOT do it.

his golden guard persona also comes into play here and it's SO interesting how he uses it. masking (in a literal, psychological AND metaphorical sense); using it to feel braver, to act more confident. taking on a role of the emperor's trusted right-hand man instead of the lonely kid that he was. all this... well, surrounded by that hurtful mentality and hostile coven environment, he had to do it; to be more respected, to be able to do things that he had to do, to actually FUNCTION. it was a necessity for his survival.

but here's the thing, he likes to think of himself as a more of a practical/logical/rational thinker, and he IS in general, that is true, but he actually DOES act based on his emotions and moral compass quite often. he's also really good at reading and analyzing people, and immediately getting them. he's oblivious to some things but overall he's emotionally smart, and very very insightful and perceptive....... it might be sth he's naturally skilled at, but he also definitely had to learn it; had to know how to read belos' mood and probably learnt all the little things he had to watch out for on some days, all the little signs to stop talking or look away. all that was, once again, for his own safety. BUT OKAYKXJSKK we're accidentally going off course here so let's go back slightly- hunter is also VERY expressive (which makes sense considering he wore a mask most of the time. ............. also hyper-expressive autism #real #so true—) so oftentimes his emotions are actually (no matter how hard he tries to hide or deny them) well visible on his face, before he manages to school them; although that also depends on the exact emotion he's feeling, some are more visible than others. so this is interesting, how he simultaneously automatically represses/hides some of his feelings and manifests them as something else but also feels everything so intensely and is such an open book based on his initial facial expressions. both of these facts coexist.

so, vulnerability. we already know hunter has trouble expressing his emotions at times. he loves to pretend he's okay when he clearly isn't; and it takes a LOT for him to open up to someone. he only really lets himself be truly emotionally vulnerable next to people he fully trusts and feels safe with, it doesn't come to him with ease.

that's why his scene with luz in the forest shack's basement is so important. that ENTIRE scene, actually. we can really see how much they've grown to trust each other, how safe they feel in each other's presence. what they had going on with their secret-keeping was not really fully healthy at the time, because they kept comforting each other from their VERY similar perspectives/stances, which just further locked in their mentality of "oh they'll hate both of us when they find out our secrets"; they were ensuring each other's fears by relating to each other; it was a circle. but nevertheless, they still cared about each other and have grown to care about each other even more throughout the few months.

here, hunter managed to admit that he was scared. he felt comfortable enough to admit his vulnerability like that to luz since they've grown closer and truly trusted each other with this. he's grown SO much.

and then... the crying scene. i am not exaggerating when i say this is SUCH an important moment for hunter's character, as well as a perfect insight into his dynamic with luz. especially since the thing that jumpstarted his cry was luz telling him he's family now, and that she wants to ensure he's safe too... all his emotions coming to the surface, him finally not managing to keep stuff in, allowing himself to be vulnerable like that next to someone, actually crying and letting it out instead of holding it in or distancing himself in order to go through it alone... it was a big step for him, and it perfectly illustrated just how much he's grown. and the way luz responded to it was also so thoughtful. she was extremely tired and depressed herself, but she still showed worry. she knew hunter needed space to let it all out and avoided crowding him, since jumping at him with worry and questions and hugs would only make it worse and freak him out, but she initiated a delicate half-hug after a moment, non-verbally expressing her care.

but moving on!

now, let's focus on hunter post-flapjack's death.

it's a big, traumatic event that affects and shakes him a LOT. he doesn't feel good, he doesn't feel happy, and that predictably results in the same thing as always..... hunter repressing his negative feelings and masking them as anger. prioritizing helping others and focusing on a mission at hand. not being sure if he's okay or how he feels or how to express what he feels when someone asks.

this is the behaviour we've ALWAYS seen from him in such situations. in season 2a, when he's just generally unhappy even if he doesn't realize it, and appears as angry and irritable... and in labyrinth runners, when he lives alone while dealing with serious life events; distances himself from everything and everyone, and then tries to act as if nothing had happened, and isn't sure HOW to express/talk abt his feelings, prefers to focus on someone/something else instead. andddd at the end of thanks to them after flapjack's death! when he immediately asks if everyone else is okay and jumps in to comfort luz and focuses on taking belos down; on a task. JUST... AUGHH! he prefers to push through his feelings cuz it's a defense mechanism, the same one he's been using in the past; in the coven. it allowed him to survive, and such instinct is not something that's easy to abandon.

so, this entire pattern is so, so clear in how he acts in for the future too. he tries to mask his grief and sadness with anger and coldness. he keeps pushing people (and palismen) away, distancing himself from others, acting irritable, focusing solely on the mission at hand, just wanting to find belos immediately; thinking about literally anything but flapjack or what happened just a few hours prior, cuz it hurts too much to think about it. the sadness and other emotions that accompany him as a result of flapjack's death keep sneaking up on him in random moments, but he fights not to let them through fully. he cannot allow himself to break down right now.

but then, he's alone for a moment, and he allows himself to feel some vulnerability here. he's overwhelmed by what's happening and misses flapjack. and, as always, he doesn't know what to say. he feels everything so intensely inside but he has no idea how to express that on the outside, he doesn't know how to put everything that he thinks and feels into proper words; how to accurately communicate everything he wants to communicate to gus and willow. he struggles with that.

but just like willow had her arc of repression (to be talked about in a second) and finally realized she can rely on other people too and allowed herself to show feelings and vulnerability instead of letting it all consume her from the inside out, hunter similarly let himself show some of that vulnerability to his friends. in the span of that moment, driven by pure instinct and his love for his friends, he managed to put what he'd always wanted to say into words.

he also realized that flapjack is always going to be a part of him in a way (both literally and metaphorically), even when he's not actually there, and it brought him some comfort at last... it didn't heal him or got rid of his grief ofc, there's a long journey ahead of him, but it helped him with the first step of dealing with grief and accepting what had happened.

now, when we compare how he is with feelings right now to how he was at the beginning of the series, he's truly grown so much. he's always gonna somewhat struggle with expressing his emotions and vulnerability, but now that he's surrounded by people who care about him, whom he trusts with his life, who he doesn't fear being vulnerable around, it's going to be so much easier for him. of course, there are always going to be instances where something bad happens and he represses again; his defense mechanism and trauma response aren't going to just instantly disappear like that. but he has people he can be his true self around now, people he can confide in; it's going to help him a lot. and he's going to continue growing, and developing as a person.

.....yeah! okay, now... willow time!!

willow's repression arc has always been always kinda sprinkled in and hinted at throughout the duration of the series. we know she was bullied for a significant amount of time and it affected her confidence a lot, but it also made her repress and push down her feelings.

i'd say her arc almost had... two parts to it. the first one was her coming out of her shell, gaining confidence and embracing her strength. the second one: her struggle with vulnerability and repressing feelings.

meeting luz and transferring to plant track was what definitely helped her with the confidence problem. she flourished (lol) after she was allowed to embrace her interests and strengths. but what remained, was that willow saw her insecurity and emotions as her weaknesses. she even said it herself, she most of all wants to protect everyone she loves (similar to hunter actually), and all-together that resulted in her shutting herself off and just focusing on others' feelings. wanting to be reliable for her friends, seeing herself as the "strong one" in the group; the rock. the mature one.

always pretending she's okay and fine with everything, putting a smile on her face through it all. because after all, she doesn't want others to worry about her, right? (she did it for all emotions too, basically)

especially if we take into account that she was bullied and seen as inferior to others for years + her entire past with amity + just in general her history with the abomination track and the expectations from her dads regarding it, all of it was trauma for willow and she ended up with the need to hide her feelings (something she saw as her weakness/flaws/weak spots) as a coping mechanism. she hated being seen as weak, and after she gained more confidence in herself, that feeling only grew.

in for the future, we could see just how much the suppression was affecting her. she still tried to be cheerful, dependable, not bothering anyone with her own worries, trying to make others feel better. but with each next moment, every feeling of hers builds up more and more, until finally it cannot be contained anymore. and explodes.

her magic is actually also a great metaphor/illustration of her feelings suppression. whenever willow's especially feeling things, we can always see how her magic reacts too it, how her emotions manifest through it. and this scene in ftf is a great visual representation of it; how the vines slowly cover her until she's completely buried under them. how helpless she feels. man...

but at last, she allows herself to let her feelings out. she's assured that she's not any worse for it, told that reliable people can rely on others as well. she lets all her worries and fears and thoughts and vulnerability finally show, instead of letting it all consume her from the inside out. it's such a turning moment for her. because from then on, she's shown to genuinely express more emotions and not depend entirely on herself, now that she's aware it doesn't make her any less strong. she's assured none of her friends are gonna think any less of her, or to see her as weak, and that's good.

actually, another thing i wanna bring up is willow being saved and bridal-carried by hunter in this scene.

could she have saved herself? yes, most likely, just like she did in any sport in a storm, when she was still suppressing any weaknesses of hers and relying on herself only. if hunter hadn't teleported to save her, she'd probably do just that. but this little moment is actually such a good illustration of how now that she's allowing herself to depend on others too (instead of just be dependable), she allows herself to be saved. when she needs it.

see, this is actually the thing i've seen lots of people confused about because "willow is independent, she wouldn't want to be saved" and... that actually confuses me, because it truly misses the very core of her character arc.

the point is that she CAN take care of herself and she wants others (especially people who see her as weak) to know that and to not underestimate her abilities (just like we've seen in labyrinth runners, for example). but, at the same time, she also wasn't allowing herself to take her guard off or to be saved by others for a long time exactly for that same reason; because she didn't want to be seen as weak anymore. she wanted to be seen as only strong and independent, to the point where she deemed any weakness of hers as bad.

like, that's the entire point of her character, her repressing negative feelings then finally allowing herself to open up and be more vulnerable (+ realizing it doesn't make her any less strong). she doesn't hate being saved necessarily, she hates being seen as inferior and weak and incompetent. for example, willow hated when amity constantly tried to save her in labyrinth runners instead of letting her take care of things herself or acknowledging her strengths because it made her think amity thought she was not capable of protecting herself. because it was amity saving her from the smallest things. it made her feel disrespected, as if she was called weak right to her face.

now... hunter never saw willow as weak, ever, and he knows perfectly well that she can take care of herself. he respects her and likes her in her entirety, both for her strength as well as her softer, more vulnerable side. BUT in moments when he thinks she does need protecting or saving, he doesn't hesitate to do so. and now that willow has let herself be more vulnerable and realized she can let herself rely on others more, she clearly appreciates and doesn't mind it whatsoever.

the mutual trust and respect is the actual key point in hunter and willow's relationship; they both know each of them are strong and skilled and able to protect themselves, but they also know each others' vulnerabilities and want to protect each other when a situation actually calls for it. both willow and hunter want the ppl they care abt (each other included) to be safe and they will protect them when they need it, but neither of them would like... completely discredit someone's abilities to stay safe on their own. so when it comes to willow's strength complex, hunter knows when willow can take it cuz he respects her and trusts her abilities, but when she actually needs it, he'll gladly save and protect her as his priority; but not in frivolous instances when she can take care of herself. and she will do the same for him.

so yeah!

tldr; it's actually super cool how both willow and hunter repress their feelings a lot and prioritize others over themselves but it manifests in such different ways and comes from slightly different circumstances/reasonings for each of them.

willow more-so feels like she has to be the more mature one in the group, and she pretends she's okay and fine and focuses on how others are feeling instead of herself cuz she wants to be dependable and hates showing weakness or being seen as weak. whereas, hunter isn't sure how to express himself and when he feels negative things, they manifest as anger/irratibility. he prefers to focus on some productive task instead and he prefers to distance himself from others, and it also all comes down to how he grew up in the coven and how he was raised by belos. like it's... SO interesting how they both do something so similar at its core but so differently.

#i don't have a phd in willow's character though so i can't write as much abt her as i can abt hunter kxjsk but yEA... it's all so neat to me #toh #the owl house #my toh talk #hunter #willow #nicole answers #Anonymous

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dearhargrove · 6 months

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"You have to shoot them in the head, or they always come back."

Ethan Landry x f!reader (not specified I think tho)

summary You knew you had to do this, he was a killer. You had to end this when you had the chance. But standing here with a gun to your boyfriend's head - no matter what he's done - you couldn't bring yourself to do it.

word count 1,200

warnings swearing, talk of killing someone, spoilers for scream 6, VERY immoral & unrealistic but it's fanfiction soo

a/n I'm not that happy with this so it's kinda a WIP. But just… posted. If this does get some notes; thank you for reading! I promise my other stuff is better.

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You had thought out all kinds of possible outcomes to the plan of waiting out Ghostface at the shrine of the two students (whose names you'd already forgotten). However, not once had you considered having to execute your boyfriend.

Beneath you lay Ethan, blood pooling from his mouth and brown puppy eyes watery and bloodshot.

Sam and Tara were fighting the only other remaining person behind the recent murders, Detective Bailey.

It had all happened too fast; Sam hit Ethan in the head with a brick before she and Tara tried making an escape through the emergency exit. In the chaos of the past moments you'd simply stood to the side, shocked that the boy you loved and had spent your past months with was the one behind the mask.

A whimper of your name pulls you out of your thoughts and your eyes clear, focusing on the curly haired boy beneath you.

There were tears running down his cheeks, chin quivering and gaze pleading, "Please… don't do this."

You shake your head to try and keep the empathy from overpowering your rationality. "Ethan, I have to…You have to shoot them in the head, or they always come back," you recall with a shaking voice.

You didn't want to do this. You wanted to go home and cuddle with your boyfriend who wasn't a killer. He shakes his head and winces, weakly clutching a hand to your pants. Your knees are shaky so you end up sinking to kneel next to his heaving chest, his hand falling to your thigh instead.

The gun in your hand is still aimed in his direction, safety off.

"Come on, baby, please," he begs, trying to look into your eyes but you avoid his gaze and look to the blood stained floor. "Ethan, you killed people I can't-," a sob leaves your mouth and you clutch your free hand over it to stop your crying.

He sobs as well and shakes his head as well as he can, "No, no, no..! I didn't want to. I didn't wanna do this. Believe me!" He cries and your heart breaks a little more. Just from the way Bailey talked earlier and totally dismissed Ethan you had a good guess at their relationship and how much Ethan had wanted to do what he's done.

You purse your lips and sniff, looking back at him. "Explain. Why did you do it then?" He breathes raggedly but he'd be able to survive - if you let him. He swallows and tries calming his breathing, hand still on your thigh.

"He- Dad made me. I just wanted him to be proud of me. Like he was always proud of… Richie," he admits, the name of his deceased brother a painful whisper. You pull your eyebrows together in confusion and wait for him to continue. His face is scrunched up - whether from the physical pain he was feeling or from the memories he was recounting.

"He told me if I wanted to be as good as Richie I had to do what he said. Follow the plan." He slowly looks at you again, pausing for a few seconds. He reaches out with his blood coated hand and clings to yours, fingers closing around your pinky and ring finger.

He felt relief and a sliver of hope fill his chest when you let him hold your hand, his thumb resting on the promise ring on your ring finger he had gotten you not too long ago.

He averts his eyes again and continues explaining, though his voice seems to get weaker by the minute. "I did everything but… killing. Quinn did that. We would switch after I chased them somewhere she could.. finish it." He winces again.

"I didn't kill anyone except Anika. And that was an accident. I didn't want to make her fall, I just wanted her to struggle! I didn't want to kill her, you have to believe me! I didn't want to," he whimpers and tears start running down his cheeks again.

You sigh and let your head fall, chin touching your chest. He deserved to pass away here, with the rest of his family.

But you love him. And no matter how many times you recall him and what he did while wearing the mask you can't bring yourself to pull the trigger.

You put the safety back on the gun and push it far enough away from you. "I should kill you," you remind him with a quiet voice. He nods and fully turns his head to look at you. He calls your name but you don't want to look up; you know you would fold at the sight of his brown eyes.

He says your name again, almost pleading now. It makes your heart ache so you look up and into his eyes. He grunts painfully as he scoots back and sits up against a display case, when he's sat up straight he reaches out and puts his hand on your cheek. His palm is cold and shaky, blood making his grip slippery.

"I love you. You made me feel like I could-" he chokes and coughs, spitting some blood to the side before he keeps talking, "-like I could be enough by just… being myself. I fell for you. So hard."

You're looking into each other's eyes when he finishes his confession, "I can't live without you. I don't want to. So please tell me you won't leave me after this."

You grimace. He may have done way less than all of you originally thought but he still ended the life of Mindy's girlfriend and one of your closest friends. You knew he felt guilty. You could see the regret and pain from knowing he had caused her fall.

But none of that cancels out that he did it.

"I love you. And… maybe I can forgive you someday. But, Ethan… Even if the others also forgive you, Mindy never will. And she has every right not to."

He nods and you both pretend not to have heard his slight whimper at your first sentence. "I need you to forgive me. I can't keep going without you…" he says again and your chest throbs. You're torn between what you want and what you should want and do.

Noone in their right mind would forgive him or even let him live. But you were in love and too empathetic for your own good. Sighing defeatedly you lean into his palm and look into his eyes, "You have one chance to make it up to me. To everyone. If they accept you is up to them, not me."

He sighs out in relief, another tear escaping him as he mumbles 'thank you's under his breath.

#ethan kirsch #ethan landry #ethan landry x reader #scream 6 #scream iv #scream #ghostface x reader #ghostface #slasher x reader #jack champion x reader #jack champion

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lowkeyrobin · 2 months

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Fine I'll give you fluff 🙄....Carl and reader find this huge museum and decided to check it out for supplies to find out the museum has been untouched there's no signs of walker or human and since Carl and reader are still children they decided to fuck around and even give themselves a tour of the museum and it ends with sweet first kisses 😚

- ♣️

heyyyyy ♣️ of course and thank you. the Luke castellan req u sent me is already hurting and I've barely written any of it yet LMFAO ; also didn't know how to do the kissing bit so I'm sorry :( I've never been to a museum so ifk djsndmsm ; I should've scrapped this it's so bad wth

CARL GRIMES ; museum

summary ; you and carl go on a run and take a tour of a museum

warnings ; language, mentions of knives

genre ; fluff

word count ; 1k

masterlist

You and Carl approach the large building, gazing upon the well-founded structure. It was a curvature shape, large glass windows covering it, pulling in gallons of sunlight each day. You couldn't imagine the amount of sunbleach on the floor inside if it was that familiar thin carpeting like in arcades or inside al Chuck E Cheese's across the globe.

As you walk closer, killing any stray walkers with your knives, you notice there's a whole layer below the upper, circular part of the building. It's held up by pillars, protected by shade, and only covered in a few tall windows here and there. Below that, it sinks into the ground a bit with the help of some staircases on each side behind the sign and little wall to prevent casualties. It was more boxy, however, still covered in windows. The whole structure looked freakishly modern, like the world didn't end back in 2010 here, like the world just kept spinning up til now, apparently. It was a little freaky seeing it, but you brushed it off. Whatever this place was, they probably pulled in millions of dollars a month to look like this.

You approach the front, seeing Virginia Museum of History & Culture in bold lettering above the main doors.

Now, you and your long-time friend Carl never got to learn all that much about history or culture, seeing as the world ended in the middle of your fifth grade year. All through elementary school, it wasn't something anyone was teaching a bunch of little kids who'd forget within an hour over recess.

The two of you share a shrug and nod, deciding to go in to look for any food or resources. You keep your weapons ready and in hand, prepared to take down as many walkers as need be.

The first challenge was getting inside, however. The door was locked. Luckily, Carl was able to pick the lock with a spare safety pin he kept in his pocket for this exact reason, and he slowly pushed the door open with his foot. His boot leaves a print on the door from the dirt and dust on the ground, leaving the stainless steel door a little messy as you both enter.

You clear out each large room, finding no signs of life, or death for that matter. You closely examine all of the WW2 replica artifacts and read the little signs, teaching you about the nearly hundred-year-old war. It was pretty interesting to you, considering the only war education you'd gained was being part of one yourself with the whole Negan and the Saviors thing.

Carl notices you reading as he breaks open some protective glass, opening a stash of rifles that'd been found post-war on the battlegrounds in Virginia.

"Think they still work?" He asks you, holding one up in his hand.

You shrug, "How would I know?"

He nods and shrugs, agreeing with your statement. However, you'd take anything you could get your hands on at the moment, food, guns, ammo, anything.

You two unlock a long forgotten childlike curiosity, exploring the museum for all its knowledge. You learn a lot about cultures and wars walking around the building, about ancient Aztec civilizations and the Civil War.

You ended up finding a little bit of food and some guns and ammo. I mean, a museum would never be a go-to for apocalypse rations anyway.

The two of you sit down in front of the windows near the front of the building, giggling and gasping for air after playing tag for a solid twenty minutes. Your cheeks are flushed and you run a hand through your hair, trying to cool yourself down a bit.

"I didn't know you could run so fast" Carl chuckles, lightly nudging your shoulder.

You shrug with a light smile and reply with a sarcastic and snarky tone, "My urgency to get away from you is showing"

"Hey!"

⋆༺𓆩☠︎︎𓆪༻⋆༺𓆩☠︎︎𓆪༻⋆༺𓆩☠︎︎𓆪༻⋆༺𓆩☠︎︎𓆪༻⋆

You stick close to Carl, heading into a locked portion of the building, staff only. You wield your knives, cautiously turning the lights on.

Nothing, once again.

Another lunch room, weird enough. But it had plenty of non-perishables you could take. Including spaghetti-o's, which you hadn't had in years. The warm, metal taste could already be tasted on your tongue as you imagined the beautiful taste of the noodles and sauce again.

Carl turns to you, "Ready to go? It's nearly dark"

You nod, "Go on without me, I wanna go in that section we didn't really explore yet"

He shrugs, "I'll come with you"

"It's fine-"

"You wanna learn more, don't you?"

You shrug and nod.

"Nerd" He teasingly chuckles, "C'mon, let's make it quick"

You quickly run out to the section you didn't get to explore much, learning all about JFK's assassination. God, if the internet got to progress any further, you'd be all over Reddit sharing conspiracies and theories about this right now.

"Holy shit, dude took two bullets, what the fuck?"

"Damn"

You begin to rant as you read the little book on the podium, silencing Carl as he sits on the floor. His feet hurt, and his shoulders were beginning to ache, so he decided to sit down like this was kindergarten storytime.

You stand and speak, using your hands to communicate through body language as he attentively listens to you. He looks up at you with admiration, like he was genuinely focused on you and only you. You stop to breathe, your throat dry as you shut the book.

Carl fixes his hat, handing you some water.

"Ready to go home and eat these spaghetti-o's that I know you're dying to eat?"

"Yes please!"

#lowkeyrobin #twd x reader #twd preferences #twd teens #twd fanfiction #carl grimes x reader #carl grimes #chandler riggs #chandler riggs x reader #the walking dead x reader #the walking dead preferences #the walking dead oneshot #carl grimes oneshot #they/them reader #gender neutral reader #gn reader

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piratecaptainscaptainpirates · 4 months

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I think season 2 of OFMD has some really interesting things to say about forgiveness with Ed's arc. Yes, there's stuff there with how Ed needs to make amends to the crew, but I think the biggest thing there is this: when you're trying to heal, it helps if you make a start towards forgiving yourself.

With Ed's mutiny, there's a tremendous amount of guilt on both sides. The crew love Ed and they didn't want to hurt him, but he made them beat him to death. It sucks, for everyone. The crew are horribly riddled by guilt, scrubbing at blood only they can see. Ed is 100% convinced no one loves him.

Part of Ed starting to feel better about himself is earning the trust of the crew back. Lucius is a harder one, because he was holding on so hard to hate that he forgot he still had a life to live. But Ed's apology and working to make amends do wonders for the rest of the crew. He has a great time having a heart-to-heart with fang. Jim and the others clearly feel miles better after Ed's apology, willing to see through the lousy speech to how Ed's wearing the sack and the bell and trying - "I thought it was pretty good, for him," Jim says. Public apologies are always a bit shit, but Ed's trying, and that's good enough for them. In eps 5 and 6, Ed is lighter and at ease with himself.

But that could only ever be the first step. Ed was perfectly willing to do what he had to and make things up to the crew, and by ep 6, they're feeling much better with him. In a way, despite how horrible the whole mutiny thing was for everyone, though, and despite how Ed needed to earn the crew's trust back, forgiveness was a bit easy in that case, on all sides. I'm not saying Ed's actions to get the crew to mutiny on him were right, I'm saying there's a point where people can't fully be held accountable for their actions, and in the middle of a suicide attempt is one of those times. Yes, it was wrong, yes he needed to make amends, but he was in such a terrible place he wasn't acting like himself or making rational decisions. All factors considered, it was probably pretty easy for both Ed and the crew to reach a place of forgiveness once Ed was back on the ship, feeling more stable, and working to make things right.

Ed throwing his Blackbeard outfit overboard feels, to me, like he's trying to run away from that part of himself. With good reason, too, he's hated being Blackbeard for a long time. But Blackbeard began in living tissue, it wasn't entirely a myth, and Ed needed to be able to make a start at forgiving those parts of himself, too.

Pulling his Blackbeard outfit out of the ocean, Ed makes a return to the parts of himself he's convinced are completely unlovable, and he does it for love. He does it so he can avenge Stede, first, and then so he can fight to protect the man he loves and their crew. He's making a start towards forgiving himself and finding something valuable in the parts of himself he hates the most.

Ed's been trying to do this since he got back on the ship. Fixing the latch, personifying it - "it's not your fault you're broken, you didn't break you." Finding the Blackbeard outfit and using it as a tool to protect others. Ed is starting to see that not everything that happened to him was because he was fundamentally broken, and he can start to come to terms with himself. It'll be slow, but he can forgive himself and meet himself where he's at.

#ofmd #our flag means death

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bookworm551 · 1 year

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Of Duty and Desire | Chapter 5 | Neteyam x Metkayina!reader

A/N: sorry this took so long!!!! I wish I had a good excuse but really it was just writers block. Anyways, I appreciate your patience, I love you all <33

Word Count: 6.8k words

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 6 Epilogue

When you woke up the next day, you had a few blissful seconds where everything felt normal. You stretched as the light reflected on your face, and you enjoyed the sounds of the village waking up for a moment. Then, the memories of the previous night hit you all at once, and all the guilt came rushing back.

Memories replayed in your head over and over again. His hungry lips trailing down your neck, your eager hands pulling him close, the sound of your heavy breathing echoing around you. It was like a dream that never should have come to life.

You ran your hands over your face. This was not good. You thought you could still be friends, that you could maintain some form of friendship with him, but last night was clear evidence that it wasn't possible. Being alone with him, seeing him with the blue-green cast of colors on his face, and hearing him say how much he wanted to be with you had all been too much for you to think and act rationally.

Now, you had to get up and go about your day pretending as if nothing had happened. And that's exactly what you did.

You threw yourself into your chores, doing everything in your power to distract yourself from the night before. You even asked Ronal for more work when you finished your chores in record time. It was terrible for you to look her in the eye knowing that if she found out about last night, she would unleash a flood of fury on you.

Everything was going relatively smoothly up until late in the afternoon when Aonung found you on the beach mid-errand. "I've been looking for you," he stated as he came up behind you. You looked up at him in alarm, your heart speeding up anxiously. "Oh?" you managed to reply quietly, trying to appear unfazed by his presence.

"I am about to leave with Rotxo and the others," he explained. "There is still time for you to join if you'd like." The anxious tension in your chest subsided somewhat at his question. You had forgotten that he and the others were planning on going hunting, even though they had talked about it just last night. You also remembered that Neteyam had also been invited to go as well.

Forcing a smile, you replied, "Thank you, but I think I will stay inside the sea wall today." Aonung shrugged casually. "Very well," he said. "We'll be back by eclipse." You nodded and watched him walk off, taking a breath to steady your heart.

You needed to figure out some way to reconcile what had happened between you and Neteyam, but you didn't know what to do. You knew how upset Aonung would be if you confessed what you had done with Neteyam and how you felt about him. You knew how upset Ronal would be if she knew that you were in love with someone other than her son. To stay silent would mean you would be eaten up by guilt, but to speak would surely mean severe consequences.

You wouldn't mind facing the repercussions of your actions. In fact, you felt that you should, but you hesitated out of fear of what would happen to Neteyam. If you were to be in trouble, you still had some level of protection through Ronal's connection with your mother, but with Neteyam, there was no doubt that your mentor would be angry enough with him to try something as drastic as excommunication. You would never be able to forgive yourself if he had to face punishment like that.

Shaking yourself from your thoughts, you headed back to the village. You returned to distracting yourself through work, braiding, weaving, and organizing anything you could find. You hadn't even realized the hours that had flown by until you stepped outside to go diving for sea grass.

You had initially planned on swimming out to the edge of the sea wall on your own, but now, you considered taking an ilu. Glancing at the sky, you figured you had less than an hour before eclipse. After deliberating for a moment, you decided that it was enough time for you to gather what you needed without one. As much as you enjoyed riding, swimming on your own was more relaxing.

Swimming out to the edge of the sea wall, you became distracted from your thoughts by the graceful creatures darting around you. Nothing cleared your mind from plaguing thoughts better than floating in the warm water while the glowing dots and stripes of the sea animals swirling around you.

You swam down to the sea floor where the sea grass swayed lazily with the movement of the water. You began pulling up the grass from its roots, tying each bundle tightly before placing it in your pouch. While you were gathering, you were blissfully unaware of a creature nestled in the grass around you.

Reaching for another handful of grass, you touched the fin of what you quickly learned was a viper ray. Defensive and vicious, viper rays typically avoided the reef and rarely came in past the sea wall. Though they were beautiful to watch, being so close to one was dangerous. Their venomous sting had been known to kill Na'vi in the past, and even if it wasn't fatal, it was definitely a very painful experience.

Your touch startled the hiding creature. Faster than you could process, the viper ray whipped around and slashed its thick tail at you, swiping across your ribs.

You immediately flinched and released much of the air you were holding. The pain was immediate, a deep burning sensation that outweighed any sort of injury you had ever experienced. The viper ray darted away back into the grass, leaving you clutching your side as you felt you air supply depleting. Desperately, you began kicking towards the surface as quickly as you could.

When you broke above the water, you gasped in pain. You instinctively clutched at your side, the sting burning like a fire across your body. You looked back at the village, a decently long swim even without being injured. You cursed at yourself for not bringing an ilu. Now, you had no idea how you would get back on your own.

Still, you began kicking towards the beach, your breathing too fast and frantic to dive back down again. From the corner of your eye, you saw movement. Turning your head, you made out several figures in the distance on skimwings leisurely heading back to the village. Blinking through the pain, you recognized the people passing by as the group of your friends who had gone hunting earlier. They must have just returned.

In the dying light, you could make out Neteyam and Aonung side-by-side on their skimwings. Pain was coursing through your side as your breathing came in shallow breaths. You finally managed to inhale enough to call out as loudly as you could, "Neteyam!"

He must have heard your voice because his head immediately whipped around to find you. After a moment, he spotted your bobbing form in the water and swiftly moved to where you were floating.

What took less than a minute for him to cross over to you felt like an eternity with the viper ray venom coursing through you. You were grimacing in pain, the salt water causing your sting to burn even worse. Already, you were feeling the fatigue that came with viper ray stings.

"What's wrong?" Neteyam asked in concern, noticing your face contorted in pain. Right behind him, Aonung came up to you on his skimwing. "I've been stung," you managed to gasp as you struggled to stay above the water. "Viper ray."

Neteyam's face shifted from concern to panicked realization. He had heard the stories of the infamous creature and knew the potentially fatal effects it had. Aonung, too, realized the severity of your injury. "She needs to go to my mother now," he told his friend urgently.

Both boys jumped off of their mounts to take you, and you reached a weak hand out to Neteyam. He took it and pulled you over to his skimwing. You wrapped your arms around his neck, squeezing your eyes shut and resting your head on his chest as he hoisted the two of you onto the back of his skimwing.

Your breathing came in sharp gasps as you took off towards the village. In your mind, your thoughts were growing hazy, and it became difficult for you to understand the reassuring words Neteyam was whispering in your ear. Everything was blurring, and the only thing that somewhat distracted you from the pain in your side was the comfort of Neteyam's arms holding you tightly.

You didn't realize it at the time, but the rest of the hunting party that Neteyam and Aonung were with had noticed the two of them speeding off toward the village and quickly followed suit. When you reached the beach, they all pooled around you to figure out what was happening.

"Find Ronal," Neteyam told the group of them as he carefully slid you off of his skimwing. They all hesitated for a moment, recognizing you curled up in pain in his arms.

"What happened to—,"

"Now," Neteyam snapped, his composure cracking over the panicked desperation he was fighting. The group of hunters scattered across the village, but Aonung remained behind in the water with the two of you.

"Let me take her," he told Neteyam, reaching for your form resting in his arms, but he didn't let you go. "I've got her," he said sharply, wading through the water quickly. Aonung was taken aback somewhat, but he didn't press it since he didn't want to waste precious time arguing.

It wasn't long before Ronal came rushing out to meet you all on the beach. She took a moment to assess you, feeling how your skin was growing unusually warm. "Come quickly," she told Neteyam urgently as she moved back to her pod.

Neteyam stepped after her towards the village. You were groaning in pain, your vision coming in and out of focus. You were still aware of the fact that you were in his arms, but your thoughts were becoming increasingly disorganized. You had felt his strong arms around you before, but when? You had been upset about him earlier, but why?

You tried to focus, but the pain radiating from your ribs made it impossible for you to think clearly. Still, in your cloudy mind, you had a lingering memory of something scandalous.

"What are you doing here?" You mumbled quietly to Neteyam, your speech slurring a little bit. He looked down at you for a second before replying, "You are hurt, and you need help." You groaned again as if to prove his point and turned your face into his chest. "It's okay," he soothed in a low voice, "I will take care of you."

When you had made it to Ronal's tent, Neteyam set you down carefully on the mat. He stayed by your side while Aonung crouched on your other side. Ronal quickly set to work, pouring water over your sting and wiping away the bleeding. You hissed in pain as she inspected the gash in your side.

Grabbing Neteyam's arm tightly, you cried out through clenched teeth, "It burns." He ran a soothing hand over your forehead. "I know it does," he replied, trying to keep his voice calm for you and failing miserably. "You'll be okay." Your breathing was labored as you looked up at his with glassy eyes. "Every day, it burns," you murmured. "How can I stop it, Neteyam?"

Neteyam's heart ached. You weren't just talking about your sting. Your words were echoing what you had said the previous night. It had been weighing on Neteyam the whole day. He had been unable to shake your words from his mind, and he replayed the memory of kissing you over and over again. He would never forget the blissful moment you shared, but he could never forget the look of horror and heartbreak on your face when you had realized what you had done. It burned, indeed.

"What is she saying?" Aonung asked sharply, staring at Neteyam's longing face with suspicion. He looked up at him, pulled from his thoughts, and said dismissively, "She's hallucinating."

"I don't want to stop it," you whispered in a breathy voice. "I wish it could be real." Neteyam tensed at your words and prayed that you would stop talking in front of Ronal and Aonung. Ronal didn't seem to heed your babbling as she worked, but Aonung was looking back and forth between your face and Neteyam's.

"What is she saying?" Aonung repeated in a hard voice. Neteyam's voice felt stuck, and his silence was only made worse when you reached out your hand up from Neteyam's arm to trace his cheek gently with your fingers. He brought his hand up to hold yours and closed his eyes in guilt. There was no way he could justify this.

Ronal's working hands stilled as she witnessed him grabbing your hand, her eyes flashing to Neteyam and then to her son. Neteyam kept his eyes on your face, but he could feel Aonung's burning glare.

He was putting the pieces together. He had known for a while that you were good friends with Neteyam ever since he first came to the reef, but Aonung had never felt any reason to suspect anything else. Recently, though, he had noticed a shift in his friend’s behavior. He had inexplicably started avoiding your friend group, and it didn’t escape his notice the way that Neteyam had been much more reserved recently.

All this, Aonung would have ignored, but now, he reconsidered everything. He had noted how you had called for Neteyam in the water. He saw how you had reached out for him and how you wrapped your arms around him tightly. He noticed the defensive way that Neteyam held onto you, refusing to let go. Now, hearing your mutterings and seeing you reach out for Neteyam, Aonung felt anger bubble in his chest.

"What did you do?" He seethed. Neteyam looked up at him and held up his free hand. "Aonung, please, I can expl—" Aonung shot up quickly and repeated in a harsh voice, "What did you do?!"

The tension was palpable in the silence. "Take this outside," Ronal ordered sharply, and Neteyam could feel the tsahik's anger in her voice. He got up slowly, dropping your hand. You whimpered as he pulled away from you. "No," you pleaded softly. "Stay." Neteyam could see that your words made Aonung even angrier, so he got up and darted out of the tent, closely followed by the other boy.

Outside, the young Metkayina warrior shoved Neteyam's shoulder. "What was that?" Aonung demanded, his chest heaving in anger. Neteyam held up his hands as a pacifying gesture. "Please, let's just—"

"Did you mate with her?" Aonung cut him off furiously. His forwardness caught Neteyam a little off-guard, and his denial seemed to be stuck in his throat. Just then, Kiri, Tsireya, and Lo'ak came around after hearing that you were injured, and Neteyam groaned internally. Having an audience would make this so much worse.

"Did you?" Aonung pressed, ignoring the others. Turning his focus away from his siblings, Neteyam replied, "No, I would never dishonor you like that." Tsireya looked questioningly between him and her brother. "What is going on?" She asked in confusion.

Aonung ignored his sister. "But you want to," he accused Neteyam. Already uncomfortable with having his family present, he stepped towards Aonung. "Let's talk about this alone," he said in a low voice. The other young warrior shoved him back. "Why?" He demanded. "Because it's true? You want her?"

Kiri took in a sharp breath, and Neteyam heard his brother curse loudly. Neteyam felt trapped. "My friend, please," he implored quietly. Aonung scoffed. "You are no friend of mine," he spat in a loud voice. "How long have you been sneaking around behind my back?"

As if things couldn't get any worse, Jake, Neytiri, and Tonowari came up behind their children, alarmed by the shouting. "What is the meaning of this?" The Olo'eyktan demanded to know. Pointing an accusatory finger at Neteyam, Aonung replied, "He has fallen in love with the woman intended for me."

There was a short, stunned silence, and Neteyam saw the look of disappointed frustration on his father's face. "Is this true?" Tonowari inquired severely. Neteyam hesitated for a moment, but he quickly realized he was in too deep to deny anything. "Yes," he admitted quietly.

Everyone present reacted differently. Aonung looked ready to kill Neteyam, Tsireya gasped softly, and Kiri put her face in her hand. Lo'ak looked half-impressed while Neytiri closed her eyes and began muttering under her breath either prayers or profanities. Tonowari and Jake exchanged uneasy glances and shifted uncomfortably.

"Do not blame her," Neteyam continued insistently. "It was my fault. I shouldn't have—," Jake raised his hand, cutting off his son. "Stop talking," he said harshly. Neteyam remained obediently silent while Jake ran a frustrated hand over his face. "Did you two...?"

Neteyam shook his head hastily. "No," he stated. "We are not bonded." A small sigh of relief came from both of his parents before Neytiri stepped forward toward her son. "I never expected this from you," she said in a low, harsh whisper. "You have brought shame upon yourself, upon this family."

Neteyam stood quietly as his mother began her rant. He knew this was coming, and it hurt just as much as he expected it to. Disappointing his parents was the worst feeling for him, and now he was getting the scolding of a lifetime in front of the rest of his family as well as the chief's.

Ronal stepped out of the tent just then, looking extremely displeased, and everybody turned to her expectantly. "She is asleep," the tsahik explained. "Her body will burn away the venom in time." Neteyam breathed a quick sigh of relief, but he was quickly filled with the apprehension of having to face Ronal's fury.

She pointed her glare at him. "Now, what is going on with you?" She asked in a displeased voice. Aonung stepped forward before Neteyam could respond and interjected, "He is in love with her." Ronal turned sharply to face Neteyam, and her scathing glare deepened. "We bring you into our home," she began in a slow, seething voice, "show you our ways, offer protection, and you return it by blatantly disrespecting us, my son, by trying to enamor his intended mate?"

Neteyam shook his head again. "No," he insisted, working hard to maintain a composed voice. "That was never my intention." Ronal look away from him and back at the healing tent. "And what about her?" She asked, gesturing to where you were sleeping. "Does she return your affections?"

Neteyam hesitated, not wanting to bring you into the mess of trouble he was already in. "I cannot speak for her," he said finally. Aonung scoffed at his words. "You heard what she was saying," he told his mother. "Of course she does."

Neteyam didn't say anything—there was no point. Jake stepped up to him, his face hardened in aggravation. "I told you to back off," he reminded harshly in English. "I said not to cause trouble." Neteyam nodded solemnly and muttered, "I know."

Jake huffed an exasperated sigh. "I'll take care of this," he muttered to Tonowari. Neteyam closed his eyes in shame. This was exactly the thing he was trying to avoid in leaving you alone. Now, he was in for a long night of listening to his parents berate him for hours.

Ronal scoffed. "We cannot allow this," she stated in outrage. "Your son has dishonored our son. He cannot go unpunished." Jake held up a reassuring hand. "Believe me, he will be dealt with," he told her earnestly.

"And how do you suppose he is to be punished?" She shot back. "He cannot be allowed anywhere near her again." Neytiri took a heated step towards Ronal. "You cannot exile my son," she asserted angrily. The tsahik glared at her. "Perhaps that would be the best solution," she countered in a haughty voice.

The two sets of parents all began arguing over each other. Neteyam watched in silent guilt. All of this fighting and contempt stemmed from him falling for you. He should have been more careful. He never should have taken you flying. He never should have danced with you. He knew better than that, but he couldn't help himself. He had wanted to thrill you, please you, any way he could, but now, his indiscretion had caused this dispute between his family and Aonung's.

While Neteyam was dwelling on his guilt, Aonung was glaring at him in resentment.

In the time that the Sullys had been in the reef, Aonung had gone from viewing Neteyam as a rival to seeing him as one of his closest friends. He had taught him the ways of the Metkayina. They had hunted together. They killed the akula together. And it was true that Aonung had no romantic feelings toward you, but he still held great respect for you and thought of you as his future tsahik with satisfaction.

Now, everything was changing. It was one thing for you not to feel anything romantically toward him, but it was something else entirely for you to be in love with someone else, especially when that someone else was in love with you. These bitter thoughts swirled in his mind until his voice finally called out above the bickering parents.

"I call for First Blood."

Everyone froze.

The Rite of First Blood was a dangerous and rarely used rite amongst the Na'vi that is only invoked in the most serious of disagreements. When someone called for First Blood with another, they fought in close combat until one of the participants drew blood from their opponent. The victor's conditions were binding and unimpeachable. What made it dangerous was that there were no stipulations other than requiring blood to be drawn, so the victor could go as far as mortally wounding their opponent if they so chose.

"Aonung, are you sure?" Ronal questioned after recovering from her stunned silence. Even she was startled by her son's call for such a serious matter. Aonung held a level glare at Neteyam as he replied firmly, "Yes."

Ronal shot her mate a reluctant look. "Very well," Tonowari conceded after a moment. "What are your conditions?" Everybody stared at Aonung, waiting expectantly to hear what he would demand if he was the victor. "If I win," he began slowly, staring at Neteyam. "You will leave the reef and never come back."

Immediate protestations arose from each of the Sullys except Neteyam, who silently held Aonung's glare with his own level gaze. "Silence!" Tonowari roared, cutting off the forest family sharply. Aonung continued as though he hadn't been cut off, "And I will be with the woman I am betrothed to."

All eyes were on Neteyam for his reaction, but he remained still, face impassive. "I accept," he responded evenly.

"Neteyam," Tonowari addressed. "What are your conditions?" He didn't respond for a second, thinking carefully about what to say, and Aonung scoffed. "We already know," he huffed. "If you win, she is yours."

"No," Neteyam replied resolutely.

Everybody blinked in surprise and exchanged uneasy glances. He took a moment to collect his thoughts before continuing. "She has already had so many decisions made for her," he explained slowly, shooting a look at Ronal's scowling face. "She deserves to have a choice for once in her life."

He looked back over at Tonowari. "That is my condition," he said decidedly. "If I win, she chooses if she wants to be tsakarem. If so, then she will continue her duties without reprimand, but if not, then she can renounce her title honorably, without shame, and without fear of retribution."

Ronal hissed in anger, but Neteyam was waiting for Aonung's reaction expectantly. The young Metkayina warrior nodded slowly and stated, "I accept." Tonowari was not pleased in the slightest about the arrangement, but he nodded gravely. "The Rite of First Blood shall take place at high noon tomorrow," he confirmed before turning to Jake.

"I suggest you keep your son away from here until then," he muttered in a low voice to him, but Neteyam could still hear him. Jake was glaring at his son as he responded, "Believe me, he won't leave my sight." Neteyam's stomach sank at the reality of having to face his parents' wrath for the rest of the night until noon. All he wanted was to see you and make sure you were alright, but there was absolutely no way anybody was going to let that happen now.

The good thing was that you were actually alright. You slept for a few hours before you began to stir again. Strange dreams and voices in your head made your sleep turbulent, so it was a relief to open your eyes again. Through your hazy vision, you could see a person sitting next to you, wiping the sweat off of your forehead.

You tried to say something, but your voice felt stuck, and all that came out was a quiet groan. "It's okay," a soft voice whispered. "You are still fighting off the venom." You blinked several times before your sight focused, and you were able to see who it was.

Tsireya's face was full of concern as she gazed down at you sadly. You mumbled her name, and she ran her hand over your hair comfortingly. "What happened?" you asked, your voice rough as a result of a dry throat.

She didn't respond, instead reaching for a bowl of fresh water for you to drink. She held your head up as you took a few eager gulps of it before laying you back down gently. "What happened?" you repeated, sounding clearer now that you had slaked your thirst.

"What do you remember?" Tsireya asked instead, taking the bowl back from your hand. You thought back, the memory of the viper ray flashing in your mind. "I remember getting stung," you began slowly. "I remember finding Aonung and Neteyam." You paused as the memory of Neteyam's arms carrying you replayed in your head. "That's about it," you finished quietly.

Tsireya studied your face for a moment. "Neteyam brought you back here," she explained nervously. "But you started saying strange things." Your face scrunched in confusion. "What kind of things?" You asked. Tsireya hesitated. "I am not sure," she confessed. "But Aonung—," she hesitated for a moment. "Aonung thinks that you are in love with Neteyam."

You blanched. Your mouth opened and shut, but no words came out. You were entirely unprepared for this accusation and could not think of how to defend yourself.

"It is true, isn't it?" She asked quietly. Your mind was reeling, and you were trying to think of something to say, but there was no way for you to justify what you had done. Your heart started pounding, and you began taking uneasy breaths. "Breathe," she implored, taking your hand comfortingly. Her touch helped ground you, and you tried your best to regain your composure.

"Tsireya," you began, "I— I never meant for anything to happen. I never meant to betray your brother." You could see the sadness and sympathy she had for you on her face. "I do not blame you," she told you gently, but you could see that she was torn. "But Aonung is very angry, as is my mother."

You closed your eyes, feeling the bitter sting of knowing you've disappointed the very people you sought to impress. "What did they have to say?" You questioned, not sure you wanted to hear the answer. Tsireya hesitated a moment before answering.

"Aonung has called for the Rite of First Blood with Neteyam."

Your blood ran cold. You immediately propped yourself upright, but you still felt weak from the venom, and your arms buckled. "What?" You whispered, horrified. Tsireya pressed gently on your shoulders to get you to lie back down before she nodded reluctantly. "It has been set for noon tomorrow," she explained.

You stared up at her face, mortified by what she had said. "What are the conditions?" You managed to whisper finally. She took your hand again, and you braced yourself for whatever she was going to say.

"Aonung's conditions are that Neteyam must leave the reef forever," she stated quietly. Your stomach twisted at her words. You closed your eyes and squeezed her hand. This couldn't be happening. It was just yesterday that you had been wrapped in his arms. You had run away out of guilt, but now the very real possibility of never seeing him again made your chest tighten with fear.

"And Neteyam's?" You whispered, trying your best to remain calm. Tsireya sighed. "If Neteyam is the victor, then you are free to leave your duties as tsakarem if you so choose," she explained.

You blinked. "What?" You questioned, unable to process what she just said. "Neteyam said you should be able to choose whether you want to keep training to be tsahik or not," she repeated. "He also says that you will not face any repercussions for your choice, whatever it may be."

You stared up at Tsireya for a moment, completely stunned. Then, you felt your throat tighten as tears gathered in your eyes. It all hit you so suddenly, you couldn't help but let them fall.

He was fighting for you. And not only to be with you, but to give you the opportunity to decide for yourself what you wanted to do with your life. It was so selfless and considerate. Nobody had ever given you that before.

Tsireya ran her free hand over your forehead again, a look of distress on her face. "I did not know you were so unhappy," she said mournfully. "I wish you would have told me." You shook your head as you took ragged breaths to calm yourself. "I could not," you whispered in a hoarse voice. "Your mother is my mentor, and I am betrothed to your brother. To tell you would mean you would need to keep secrets from both."

She didn't say anything as you took another breath to calm yourself. What you had said made sense, but it didn't make her feel any better knowing that you had been hiding your misery from her.

"I need to speak to him," you said at last, moving to prop yourself up again. Tsireya's eyes widened, and she shook her head vigorously. "No," she replied quickly. "My mother would be furious." You sat upright, the sting on your ribs burning as you moved. She must have seen how you winced because she pushed you back down and said, "You need to stay and rest. You are not fit to move around."

You didn't fight her, but you weren't giving up. "Please, let me see him," you begged. "This is all my fault. I need to talk to him, and I won't be able to tomorrow." She sighed regretfully. "I can't let you do that," she said. "Even if you were well enough, Neteyam's parents will not let him leave their home. Lo'ak said that they are very upset with him as well."

You closed your eyes remorsefully. You hadn't even thought about what his parents would think about a situation like this. You remembered Lo'ak's words to you just a few days prior. If this gets out, Neteyam would be in more trouble than I've ever been in. How had it all gone wrong so quickly?

"The best thing you can do is try to get some rest," Tsireya told you gently. "Especially if you want to be there for the Rite tomorrow." With your eyes still closed, you let out a defeated sigh and nodded. You weren't going to win this argument with her, and since you were already in a heap of trouble as it was, you decided not to press the issue.

Still, sleep was the last thing on your mind. A torrent of thoughts whirled in your head. There were no way you could rest when the possibility of losing Neteyam was looming over you. If he lost, then not only would he have to leave, but you knew that the rest of his family would go with him. After all that they went through to acclimate to the reef, they would be forced to pack up their lives again.

With your thoughts, you were resolved to see Neteyam, consequences be damned. Tsireya had left after about an hour, and it was late enough that most people would be preparing to go to sleep right now.

You sat up slowly, trying not to irritate the sting in your ribs. Standing up, you felt a little dizzy, but it passed after a couple of seconds. Carefully, you stepped out of the tent. You checked that there was no one around before moving quietly down to the beach. You waded into waist deep water before softly calling out to an ilu.

You felt too weak to swim out on your own, so you decided that having an ilu to help was in your best interest. It would also allow you to keep your sting clean and dry. When one of the ilus answered your call, you attached your queue and slowly made your way to the Sullys.

As you came around to where the Sullys lived, you were relieved by the sight before you. Neteyam was sitting at the edge of his home out above the water, an arm resting on his knee while his other leg dangled over the water. He was staring up at the night sky. You had often seen him there, gazing up at the bright stars littering the sky, and you had hoped that he would be out there tonight as well.

With his gaze turned upwards, he didn't see you approaching slowly in the water. You glanced around to ensure nobody was nearby to see or hear you. You noticed that his pod was dark and quiet, indicating that everyone had gone to sleep, so you called his name out softly.

He must have heard you because his head snapped down and fixated on your form in the water. When he recognized you, he immediately turned to look behind him and check that none of his family had heard too. "What are you doing?" He whispered in alarm. "Why are you not resting?"

"I wanted to see you," you whispered back. "Can you come down?" He glanced back over his should for a moment before turning back to face you. "The beach," he said softly.

It was all he needed to say in order for you to understand. You nodded before turning your ilu in the water and swimming back toward the beach. As you stepped out onto the wet sand, he was walking stealthily across the suspended walkways toward you. Leaping down onto the sand, he quickly crossed over to you with a concerned face.

"What are you doing here?" He asked quietly, bringing his hands up to hold your shoulders carefully. "You should be resting, healing." You shook your head as you looked up at him. "I could not rest after what Tsireya told me," you replied quickly.

Raising your own hands, you held his arms by the crook of his elbow. "Is it true? Has Aonung challenged you to First Blood?" You questioned, already knowing in your heart it was true. He let out a small sigh, looking down at you in regret.

"It is," he confirmed in a whisper. "We fight at noon." You closed your eyes and took a deep breath to calm yourself. "And the conditions?" You continued. "Tsireya said that if Aonung wins, you...," you trailed off, unable to speak anymore.

"I must leave the reef," he finished for you solemnly. You clenched your jaw in an effort to keep from tearing up. "But if I am the victor," he continued softly, "you will be free to choose the life you want. Whether you remain as the tsakarem or not, the choice will be yours with no consequences."

Your throat tightened at his words, and tears filled your eyes. Nobody had ever advocated for you to have a say in your own life. Ever since you could remember, things had always been arranged for you, and you had been too young to know what you actually wanted. Now, you had something that you wanted, and Neteyam was going to fight with everything in him for you to have it.

You shook your head sadly, looking down from his face. "You shouldn't have to do this," you sighed, squeezing his arms in concern. There was a small pause between you before his hands moved up from your shoulders to hold your face, making you look right up at him. His face softened, and his eyes moved back and forth between yours as he shook his head slowly.

"I would do anything for you."

Your breath faltered at his words, and you leaned into his touch with closed eyes. “I was so worried for you,” he continued softly. “I know what you said last night, but when I saw you in the water, I—,” he paused, his thumbs brushing against your cheeks.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” he said finally, “but I can’t bear being away from you anymore. When I saw an opportunity to be with you, I couldn’t turn it aside.” The corner of his mouth turned upward before he added softly, “If you will have me, that is.”

His voice was so gentle and sincere, and he looked almost nervous waiting for your reply. You couldn't think of anything to say that fully encapsulated how you felt, so you stepped forward and pressed your lips against his.

Neteyam still held your face as he kissed you gently. You leaned into him, savoring the feeling of his soft lips against yours. He pulled away after what felt like too short a time, a faint smile on his face.

"I will have you," you whispered to him, the corners of your mouth tugging upward. You looked up at him, his face inches from yours. "But you better win.” His own smile widened in amusement. "I will," he promised, lowering his forehead to rest against yours. "I'm not going to stay away from you anymore."

You closed your eyes and relished the moment of peace between you. For a second, you were able to forget about the guilt and worry you were feeling about everything and imagined the life you could have with Neteyam, the life you wanted so bad, it hurt.

He pulled you back into another soft kiss. His hands left your face to wrap around your torso and wander up your back, exploring as much of your skin as possible. His touch left you breathless, and you eagerly pulled him as close to you as possible.

You could feel how much he wanted you, but he eventually pulled away from your lips, his eyes closed as he moved away. "I need to go," he whispered quietly, his forehead resting against yours. "My parents will know I've gone."

The reality of the situation returned, and you felt all the fear and anxiety of everything stirring in your chest. You sighed regretfully, not wanting to let him go. Neteyam must have sensed your apprehensions because his hands pulled you into a tight embrace, and he whispered in your ear, "It will be alright."

You buried your face in his neck and repeated the words in your mind, but it was difficult to believe when so much was on the line. It was cruel that this was only the first time you had let yourself hold him like this, and if Aonung won the next day, this may very well be the last time, too.

Gently, he pulled away from you. You let your arms slide off his shoulders, unable to meet his eyes. There was a moment of silence between you, neither of you wanting to leave the other. Finally, he sighed, raised a hand up to your head, and brought his lips against your forehead. You closed your eyes and tried to hold onto the moment while it lasted.

"It will be alright," he murmured against your skin. You nodded faintly. "It will be alright," you echoed. You looked up at him, and he had a small smile on his face. "I will see you tomorrow," he said at last as he began stepping backward toward his home. You could only nod as he moved away. Watching him go, you wrapped your arms around yourself and repeated his words over and over again in your mind.

It will be alright.

Chapter 6

_________

Taglist: @mashiromochi @eywas-heir @kafanizdakicokiyi @plzfeedmebread @afro-hispwriter @fanboyluvr @anm3mi @sadexact @peachinsomnia @fluroescentxadolescent @doulcha @crazy4books1 @im-in-a-pansexual-panik @thatonegirlwiththebeanie367 @alicetweven @sarasapen @sadexact

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bettdraws · 1 month

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What if Elain and Lucien met before she was made – Part 2

Read part 1 here

----

Lucien Vanserra did not understand what had gotten into him.

He had become used to leading a quiet content life, but ever since seeing her, ever since touching her, something had changed. When those fawn brown eyes landed on his, he had felt stranded. Amiss. Like he had somehow lost his way, had forgotten what he was supposed to be doing with his useless, pointless life.

It wasn't that he had ever been too sure about what his life had meant to be like, ever since he lost everything he had resigned himself to serve, to fulfill his duties, to follow orders and go by. He had been content with it, had been okay with the occasional diversions he allowed himself. Not that it had been the same after Under The Mountain, all diversion essentially gone. But he had been fine with just getting by, fighting when he had to, resting when he needed to. Helping Tamlin clear up the Spring Court of the residual trash of Amarantha. He had endured harder times before and had been fine.

Until that day that one of Hybern's more playful lackeys had attacked him inadvertently and had dropped him in the only place that could be considered dangerous for a fae in the mortal lands, and he had met her. Had been saved by her.

His first thought of her had been that she was impossibly beautiful, so much so that it stunned him. That wasn't his usual opinion on any female ever. He obviously could appreciate female beauty and affections but she was the most beautiful... woman he had ever laid eyes upon and it troubled him so. He had never thought that about a female after- after Jes.

But having shoved that thought away and assessed the situation, his second thought about Elain had been that he had to protect her. It wasn't even so much of a thought but a bodily reaction he hadn't been able to rationalize. And when she hadn't shied away from him, had called his name, he thought he had never heard it sound so nicely before.

But ever since that day, ever since having felt the sudden spark at touching her small hand, and having felt the unshakeable pull of wanting his body closer to her body, having his hands on the delicate skin of her ankles, everything in his world had shifted, and Lucien, for the life of him, could not place why.

So he had ignored it as much as he could, he had busied himself, drowning in more work than he could take upon himself and had shoved those thoughts deep inside of him. What use would it make to be thinking about a human girl? A human girl he merely met once? And Feyre's sister, of all people.

He hadn't told her. Had honored Elain's wish to keep it a secret, for whatever reason. He could understand, though. Meddlesome siblings were something universal, it seemed, and it felt somehow nice to have something only he knew, a secret thing only shared with her.

But even with all the work, all the tiresome activities he subjected himself to so that he could stop thinking about her eyes, and her freckled nose, and her pouty pink lips, he could not stop seeing her in his dreams, or in random flashes when he glimpsed a rose, or a lily, or any flower, really. Living in eternal spring did nothing to help his situation.

He could swear he sometimes felt like she was calling him. He could feel it in the wind, in the smell of freshly cut grass, in the sight of the first rays of sunshine coming through his windows. It was pathetic, actually. To think a woman like her would even remember him, let alone be calling him to her. She had seemed so free, so desperately alive, he doubted he had posed any significance in her life.

He was losing his mind.

The long weeks passed and he tried to convince himself that his constant thinking of her was just an outlet for all the stress he had been accumulating, a normal response of his psyche trying to fixate in something beautiful and right, rather than the depressive reality he was shoved into. But a part of him knew it wasn't that simple, and ignoring it was resulting to be useless.

He had tried to stay away. He really did. He had tried to put her behind him. He had even gone to the village to see one of his past lovers, a headstrong but gentle female that had shared a similar need of release as him, expecting nothing more, needing nothing more. But the moment she moved her lips to his, the moment he had touched her hand in that cozy tavern they usually met at, he realized he couldn't do it, he had seen her, he had seen Elain in his mind and could not put her away. He had to apologize and leave, compelled to spend another night alone, thinking about her.

So here he was, back in the mortal lands, pacing outside her house in the dead of night under the cover of some trees surrounding her manor. Couldron boil him. He had left Spring under the pretense that he would survey the border with the human lands, Tamlin had simply agreed, and he had winnowed to where he knew she lived. But now that he was here, and somehow he could feel the closeness of her, he didn't know what to do.

He was going to leave, he had decided this was an awful idea, had turned around and prepared to winnow when a soft voice called him and made his whole body stop short.

"Lucien"

----

Elain Archeron had not been able to sleep that night, and when she had finally grown tired of rolling around in her bed, she had found herself outside in her garden, taking in the chilly night, the smell of dewy grass and jasmine bushes.

She had been thinking about him... again. Lucien, he had told her his name, and she had replayed it in her mind again and again during those long weeks. Her tongue rolling softly, only for her to hear, as if her body was involuntarily calling him. She had thought she was finally losing it.

She sat there now in one of the wooden chairs alone in her courtyard, when everyone in the manor was asleep, thinking about his broad but elegant hands, his enchanting mismatched eyes, his otherworldly beauty, one that she could not find anywhere else, one that dwarfed even Greysen's handsome face. She felt the need to roll his name on her tongue again, felt the need to chant his name as if containing it inside her might actually drive her insane.

"Lucien" She spoke softly, but the sound of his name was enough to make her blush. If anyone could hear her in that moment they would say she was definately insane, sitting in the garden talking to herself. She huffed a short laugh at how hilarious it was. A tale as old as time, the human girl enthralled by the mystical fae that probably could not care less about her insignificant existence, she was a living cliché.

She tasted his name in her lips anyway, a guilty pleasure she could not rationalize. She couldn't help but feel the rightness of it, even if she was not able to place it in any logical thought. The weeks since she had met him had not been the same, as if something in her had awoken, something she hadn't even known had been inside of her sleeping.

She was just about to stand up to go inside when a voice made her stiffen.

"Elain?"

It was low and tentative, masculine but soft. The voice she had not been able to forget through all these weeks. Her heart was hammering in her chest when she snapped her head towards the orange and apple trees surrounding her garden. She saw him then and gasped, bathing under the moonlight, a statue of a male, his long flowy hair shining in a deep red under the cool light. He was looking at her with surprise in his eye, as if he hadn't expected to find her here.

He had come. He had come back.

"Lucien" She spoke again and she could swear she saw him shudder a bit. Suddenly she felt insanely self conscious, looking down at herself in her thin nightgown and flimsy silk robe. She looked up at him again, dressed immaculately, an embroidered navy blue vest, tight cream pants and knee high brown boots. He looked impossibly regal.

"Wh-what are you doing here?" She crossed her arms around her chest, heart still beating loudly, suddenly aware of the situation, looking at her surroundings to see if there was no-one else around. She questioned what exactly he was doing here, in her home, in the dead of night. Had he finally come to steal her away like the other one had done to Feyre? Like every cautionary tale of the fae she had heard since she was a child?

"I-" He said, apparently also realizing his surroundings. "I was patrolling the border and I-" He looked down and clenched his hands awkwardly. He looked up at her again. "I'm sorry for the invasion, I was just trying to check if you... and your family, were doing alright" He said.

Something about seeing him a bit undone, this mountain of a male that exuded power, struggling with his words, made her ease a bit. The familiarity of him, even if she had just seen him once before, overtaking her, making her step up towards him, even if all logic called her to be smarter, he was a stranger after all. Why did she trust him so easily?

"You came to see if we were doing fine?" She said, cocking her head a bit as she saw him stiffen at the steps she had taken towards him.

"Yes, milady" He simply said. She couldn't help but like the way that sounded on his lips, the way it made her feel.

"Under my sister's wishes?" She asked softly, tentatively shortening the distance between them, just letting her body naturally drift towards the pull she felt.

"No" He said, watching her closely, unmoving. She could swear he was also trying not to just run towards her. Was she out of her mind? Imagining things she deep down wanted to believe?

"Under your wishes?" She asked when he didn't elaborate, and she almost laughed when he didn't even word a response, simply nodding his head and straightening when she reached him under the cover of the trees. "Why?" She asked, placing one of her hands on the tree close to her, for comfort and stability.

"These are… dangerous times" He said sharply and she could finally smell his woodsy, masculine scent again. She relished in it, the way it filled her with something she didn't know she had been missing. She noticed his own nostrils flaring, as if he too was taking in her smell in that moment. It made her feel something warm deep inside her tummy, running through her core.

"I thought you would have another reason to come by" She said, tilting her head a bit. He stared at her with those dazzling mismatched eyes and softly cleared his throat.

"Were you by any chance calling my name?" He changed subject, turning it on her and making her face grow impossibly hot. He had heard her?

"Me?" She straightened. He simply watched her with a predator's gaze. She suddenly felt impossibly bare before him.

A soft smirk crept over his lips as he noticed the aggressive blush she could assume had taken over her whole face. She averted her gaze at that, but quickly found it in herself to retaliate.

"Well, maybe I was" She held her chin up towards his towering frame. "Maybe I knew you were around and decided to summon you out of the shadows, acting as if you're some thief in the night" She said, but his smirk only grew more wicked.

"How can you be so sure I'm not some thief in the night?" He said, suddenly leaning his forearm over the same tree trunk she was pressed against. His tall frame towered over her, his smell and warmth intoxicating, filling her senses. Elain again found herself in one of the most scandalous scenarios she could think of. With a fae male leaning above her in the middle of the night, smirking at her like some fiend, eating her up with his gaze.

Her face grew hotter. In fact, her whole body did.

"Have you come to take me away, then?" She suddenly sounded more serious than she had intended. He noticed it, his face relaxing to a more serious stare, eyes suddenly lost in hers.

"Do you want me to?" He rasped, a slightly devious grin curling in the corner of his mouth again. His eyes never left hers, and for a moment she actually considered it, damn her, just simply running away from her small content life, leaving everything to go see the world, things she could only imagine, experiences she could only dream of. She realized they were still looking at each other, still breathing the same air, her chest rising and falling quickly, when she dropped her gaze and stepped out of his reach.

"Funny. Do you find me so careless as to think I would just run away with a strange fae male I just met?" She arched an eyebrow in a teasing way, although the tension between them did not subside.

"I did meet you running around barefoot in the middle of a forest" He crossed his hands behind his back and shrugged a bit. His hair was tied up, but she noticed some strands that had fallen off, moving around his chiseled face as he talked.

"Can't a lady have her moments of liberty in peace?" She crossed her arms again, diverting his intent gaze.

"By all means milady, I am sorry for assuming" He teased softly and she dared to look at him again. "I will say though, I'm usually right about spotting wild things and you-" He assessed her again, as if he could read her like a book. "You struck me as one"

"I'm not such thing" She cut him a glare, but it held no real offense.

"Aren't you?" He said with amusement in his eye and she pursed her lips.

She held his gaze for a moment, even though they were just teasing, there was an undertone of reality in his words, in his assessment of her. She was trying to find it in herself to deny it, to negate the raging feeling of wanting to see more, wanting to learn everything there was to learn. She couldn't.

"You may be right" She exhaled a breath as she turned and looked towards her garden, feeling his body heat at her side, his presence so overwhelming she was having difficulty thinking. "I'm in my courtyard, talking to a strange male in the middle of the night, any proper lady would deem this scandalous" She said.

"And what do you deem this?" He asked, she could still feel his eyes on her, it felt as if he could not, for the life of him, stop looking at her, even for a mere second.

She looked at the ground for a moment, feeling out the question, sensing her response and deciding to simply voice it.

"Exhilarating" She said not daring to look at him. Her heart thrumming in her chest again. For a moment he said nothing. The night sounds filling the air between them. She swallowed as she felt him move closer to her, sliding behind her. What would Nesta say if she knew she was having such conversations with a stranger like some scoundrel in the night? Even worse, with a seductive fae male at that, tempting her to release her wild side, something she had always kept under a tight leash. It was more than enough to make her sister see red.

"Maybe if I ask you to tell me more about yourself-" His voice was rough, breath hitting the back of her ear and neck in a way that made goosebumps rise over her skin. "Then it wouldn't be so scandalous, don't you think?" He finished, and some small, wicked part of her expected him to touch her, even if just her shoulder, her hand. She quickly shut it off.

"Could be" She breathed, turning her face slightly to glance at him. "But only if you also tell me more about yourself" She dared to say.

"What do you want to know?" She felt him lean down towards her exposed neck. His mouth so impossibly close she had to shove that thought away as well. It was one thing to engage in conversation with an interesting individual, even if it happened to be in the dead of night and had the potential of ruining her entire reputation, it was another to have such improper thoughts about them.

Even if she had to shamefully admit to herself, she had never been so attracted to anyone like this before.

"What do you do... for a living?" She asked in an effort to distract herself from that line of thought. She turned around to face him again, needing to see his face and assess him as she knew he could assess her.

"I'm a court emissary" He said, his body remaining close to her, half a step away. She took a look at him, eyes wandering from head to toe.

"Are all fae emissaries so... buff looking?" She blurted and he had to contain a laugh in order to keep quiet.

"It's not a requirement" He said, amusement still present in his face. "I do like to keep myself useful in more ways than one. Training allows me to do that" He looked down at himself following her eyes, then they both met their gazes. "Do you have a complaint about it?"

"No" She said a bit too quick to be casual, his smile broadened, she noticed he had a dimple beneath those scars in his face, and couldn't help but wonder. "How did you... get those scars?" She asked and immediately regretted it, seeing how the dimple disappeared from view, his face hesitating.

"I pissed the wrong person" He cringed a bit, but he seemed to be more concerned about her own reaction than on the memory of it. "It's not a pleasant tale, but one I could tell you some day. Now it is my turn" He said and his eyes travelled around her frame. The prospect of meeting him again in the future gave her a ridiculous flutter in her chest, one she quickly pushed aside.

"What do you enjoy doing, aside from running around in haunted forests?" He asked and she held her laugh. She moved through the trees then, in an effort to dissuade his intent focus on her, but his eyes seemed to relish on her movements, on the way her thin clothes hung from her body.

“I enjoy gardening” She said a bit shyly. “I take pride in it” She concluded, signaling towards the garden behind them. His eyes followed it, quietly contemplating her work, as if he could even see the garden in the dim light. His lips curled in a soft smile.

“That’s very impressive, lady” He said. “I shall like to take a closer look some time”

Elain had the urge to fix her hair behind her ear, not really sure of what to do with her own hands.

“What do you like to do… aside from work” She asked then, caressing her fingers through a jasmine flower blooming.

He followed her closely, watching her with amusement. “I like to lay down in nature”

“I could see that” She teased and he snorted. “What’s your favorite place to do it?” She asked.

He pondered for a moment. “There’s a stream in the court I live in. Its calm, lovely in the morning and during the night, surrounded by fireflies and white lilies”

“That sounds perfect” She said, imagining such a place.

“Would you want to see it?”

“Are you trying to steal me away, still?” She gave him a look and he laughed softly.

“Forgive me for trying” He said, casually striding in front of her, intercepting her like prey, eyes dancing with mischief under the moonlight.

She bit back her smile. “Is it far?” She found herself asking. The question had surprised him a bit, he didn’t seem to expect her to actually be considering it, and if she was honest, neither did she.

“Uhm- just a few jumps- winnows I mean” She assumed he was talking about that transportation magic he had used before.

“I see” She said, thinking about the implications of it. She shouldn’t, she really shouldn’t. But she couldn’t help but be enthralled by the idea. Escaping for a night, seeing something she had never considered seeing before. Her heart hammered in her chest again.

He noticed her hesitation and tried to ease up a bit. “It was a wild proposition, milady, there’s no-“

“Let’s go” She said, determination shining on her face.

“What?”

“Take me there” She repeated, but he still looked at her like he didn’t believe her. “It’s safe right?”

“Yes…”

“And we would be back before dawn, right?”

“Yes-“

“Then take me” She said, stretching out her hand to him. He looked at her small hand. “Show me” Show me things I have never seen before.

The determination in her brown eyes must have sparked something in him, because after that he slid his broad hand around hers, and as she felt that tiny spark in their touch, the spark she had craved ever since the day in the forest, Elain felt the world collapse around them, and just like that, they were gone.

#elucien #i will have to write a part 3 now #the escapism fantasy of elain archeron #elucien what if #elucien fanfiction #human!elain #human!au #elain x escapism #elucien x forbidden romance

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kimbap-r0ll · 1 year

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Chrollo and Feitan (seperately ) with a reader who is stronger then that are ? Fluff plz

Ooh this is interesting, thank you for the ask! I will be honest here, by strength do they mean physical or nen skills? It really depends on these so I'll go with some of my own ideas

Chrollo and Feitan with a reader who is stronger than them

Chrollo

Your strength didn't come in the form of having a fancier nen ability since all nen abilities had their strengths and weaknesses. For example, while Hisoka's Bungee Gum seemed like a simple and weak nen ability compared to the intricate Bandit's Secret, it still had leverage in being adaptable

You were stronger than Chrollo in physical strength. He was strong sure, but he wasn't the strongest in the troupe. You almost matched against Uvo and it helped that the two of you were enhancers.

You might help out Chrollo in troupe businesses that require physical activity. For example any philanthropic work in Meteor City like rebuilding a structure.

Chrollo does have respect for you and is happy to see you help out like the rest of the troupe. He isn't planning on getting stronger physically yet but if you do decide to arm wrestle against him, he will simply do so just to make you happy

I don't see you having a chance against him in mental or nen ability strength. He's calculated and highly intelligent, being able to guess every move you have. If you look even a slight bit upset, he'll know you are and will figure out the reason behind your emotions.

Overall I don't see your strength as something he is concerned with. Besides, to him words can hurt more than punches

Feitan

You were no match for his strength, he's ranked one of the highest in the troupe. Not to mention his nen ability revolved around his physical strength (his resolve and how long he can withstand injuries).

You were stronger than Feitan in terms of mentality. Sure he was strong in that field too, but in some cases you were more rational than he was. Not only that, but you also had the capability for empathy, something he didn't have much of

He was happy you got his weird sense of humor but he wasn't expecting you to be so...kind. Sure when you helped him with things like torture or other troupe missions you were almost as cold as he was, but he could tell you were different. Sometimes he wished that you hadn't followed him on missions because he doesn't want that light inside you to die out

He does find comfort in your ability to be caring but he finds it overwhelming too. Sometimes he might make a really mean remark to you, but you don't break down or lash out at him. Instead you just try to diffuse the situation

Feitan has mad respect for you to be able to guess Chrollo's thoughts at times and be correct. That's really a skill hard to master!

Overall I feel like he wouldn't consider you as a rival in power, he knows he can kill you right away. But the one thing that he can't beat would be in emotions and mentality.

#hxh #hunter x hunter #hxh x reader #hxh headcanons #gn!reader #ask box #hxh phantom troupe #phantom troupe headcanons #phantom troupe x reader #chrollo #chrollo lucilfer #chrollo x reader #feitan #feitan portor #feitan x reader #chrollo headcanons #feitan headcanons

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iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia · 5 months

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Hello, my dear friend! 😎

I hope you're having a wonderful day. I've come to fulfill my noble quest, as promised.

So, we've already had pregnant MC, which I adore and cherish, like all your works. What you do is amazing, and I hope you know that. You bring the kind of joy into our lives that I think does wonders for our weary souls. On top of that, you're one of the kindest souls I've ever met, and I'm lucky to have you in my life and be able to call you my friend. Seriously, you're a miracle and you make the world a better place.

But to my actual request. Could you please do headcanons about the M6 being pregnant? Seahorse dads are very much encouraged 👀 I often think about having children with Nadia, but I don't really like the idea of being pregnant myself (although our dear Countess does make me want to consider it every once in a while. The baby fever is very strong with her.) Plus, I'm certain there are other people like myself who prefer not to get pregnant or they simply can't for various reasons.

Thank you! Hugs to you and much love 🤗❤

Ps.: I'll kiss you if you do it (in a friendly but still very gay way)

The Arcana HCs: When M6 get pregnant

@theintrovertbean I'm here to collect my platonic but still very gay smooch, please :3 (In all seriousness though, I keep rereading your kind words and trying not to cry, that means so much to me. I'm so glad I get to call you my friend too!!)

-- CW for mpreg (obviously). for headcanon purposes, all members of the M6 want to have a child with MC and are happy with being the partner to be pregnant. whether this happens by natural means, depending on what reproductive system you headcanon them as having, or by *magic*, said baby is 50% your DNA and 50% theirs. --

Julian

Did the two of you take active steps to make it possible for him to carry your child? Yes. Did he think he would be fortunate enough for it work? No. Is he surprised now, even though it's planned? Yes

The most freaked out about what his body is in the process of doing. Again, this is something he agreed to and genuinely wants, but it's just so surreal to him that he keeps needing to rationalize it

His way of rationalizing things is to study them

This does not help his ever-present anxiety, especially when he has to limit his caffeine intake and his mood swings are even more intense than normal. He is going to bury himself in research

And then completely freak himself out with the assorted random weird facts, unhinged medical theories, and pregnancy horror stories that he encounters. Which isn't good for the baby

Speaking of, he keeps swinging wildly between being hyperaware of the tiny creature he's growing and completely forgetting about his state. Suddenly his self-care directly impacts someone else

Spending nine months with limited caffeine intake and 0 alcohol was actually very good for him. (even if it made him cranky at first)

The overall process was fairly smooth for him - he didn't have a lot of awful symptoms, and the only health scares were his own anxious "what if" spirals after reading horror stories before bed

Kept working the whole way through (though with considerably fewer hours so he could get more sleep), and generally did a great job whenever he wasn't thinking too hard about it all

Asra

They never actively envisioned this happening in their future, but when you brought up having kids in the first place they were already fairly open to the idea of being the one to carry the baby

There was definitely magic involved in the conception. He's too extra for there not to be (plus, a little boost never hurt anybody)

For such a normally chillaxed person, they did not take this decision lightly. Everything from planning, to conception, to preparing to raise a kid is full of intentionality

He wants to ensure that his kid gets a childhood that lasts as long as they need it to and a happy, safe environment to grow and explore. His baby fever wasn't intense but his nesting habits are

They get in several last crazy adventures before they start to feel the pregnancy and then spend the rest of it either sleeping, getting the baby's space ready, or eating the most unreal food combos

Seriously, you expected weird cravings, but considering how unusual his tastes already are you didn't think it could get much weirder. It can get so, so much weirder (he even managed to finally pry open that jar of kool-aid pickled garlic and put it in custard)

Between their parent's enthusiastic support and Nadia and Julian providing full medical backup, they are well looked after

Not to mention the pregnancy glow. He makes it look ethereal

They aren't fond of physical discomfort, though, and it makes them unusually broody and cuddly. Please give them snuggles

They spend weeks creating the most whimsical nursery

Nadia

She was actually the one to bring it up when she started talking about her expectations of marriage with you after proposing

For how strained her own relationship with her family is, she's more excited about starting one of her own with you than you expected. When you tell her that you want kids too, she's all for it

Sets a rule as soon as she tells her family that she won't be accepting more than two visitors at a time. Namar nearly revolts

Her pregnancy was not easy, at all. It was months before she could keep a full meal down, she was in near constant pain, and the fatigue was unrelenting. And she never let on in public, at all

Seriously, the only people who knew how hard it was were her close friends, trusted Palace people, and doctor. From the outside it was as if she couldn't feel it at all and life carried on as usual

The biggest noticeable difference (aside from her growing bump, which she somehow managed to make her draping clothes look even more regal with) was having Portia deliver speeches for her

Towards the final few months, it caught up to her enough that she couldn't be nearly as active as she used to. She turned one of her side chambers into her office and took all her meetings there

It also became evident how much the Palace staff loves their countess - the cooks worked tirelessly to find easy meals for her (and satiate every craving beyond the laws of culinary art)

Not to mention that the garden was immaculately kept

The amount of gifts for the baby took up several small closets

Muriel

He didn't bring it up. No, you brought it up, because of how out of hand his baby fever was getting. He'd gone from begrudgingly letting kids climb on him to actively offering to help watch them

Which turned into a lifestyle - he started spending all his free time carving toys so he could carry them in his pocket in case some shy toddler looked like they wanted one. You're running out of firewood

He offered to be the one to carry the baby, if you didn't want to

The psychological aspect of it is much harder for him than the physical. He knows his own body, he knows his strength and capacity for survival, and he's comfortable with what he's doing

But that is a whole other person-to-be he's growing, they deserve the best they can get, and he's not convinced he's the best

Is this ... selfish of him? Is this greedy? He knows he'll put everything he is into being a good parent, but what if someone else's best is better than his? MC, what are we doing??

These anxiety spirals happen frequently, either when he's gone too long sitting by himself or when the pregnancy insomnia makes it impossible for him to sleep the amount he normally likes to

On the plus side, the mood swings actually make it easier for him to express what he's feeling (and for you to know what's going on with him) so that you two can navigate it together

Asra is so excited to have a nibling that they stop by almost every day with baby gifts (and supplies from Nadia, once she knows)

He full body freezes every. single. time the baby moves

Portia

Oh, she's wanted to have a house full of kids since she was a kid in a house full of kids. She brought this up with you as soon as she started talking about a future together and she is so pumped

Literally nothing about the concept of it fazes her. She's helped with plenty of pregnancies and births, she's seen the good, the bad, and the ugly, and she is fully confident with you by her side

In her mind, this is the first of many (assuming all goes well, which she fully believes it will) so this is her chance to take things as they come and note them down for future reference

Keeps a daily journal with all her pregnancy observations, plus doctor's notes from weekly check-ups and plans for the baby

You didn't know pregnancy could make somebody more powerful but somehow she's done it. You expect it to catch up to her at some point and for her to take time off to rest, but she doesn't

The pregnancy glow is real and it is named Portia Devorak. You've never seen her hair so bouncy and full (shedding increases x10)

The biggest downside is that she can't stand the smell of cooking or baking anymore, which has long been one of her comfort activities. You'll have to manage meal prep (or partner with a chef)

Speaking of, half the Palace is asking for updates on a daily basis (which she happily provides). Nadia's showering her with more supplies and maternity leave than Portia wants to accept

Julian panicked about being the doctor until Mazelinka shoved him aside and took over as midwife. Portia's in skilled hands

Lucio

This was not planned. This was a happy accident. (Though Bob Ross never painted such a surprised, panicked, violent tree)

Whether because protection didn't work, or because Lucio saw a glowing orb in a weird dream and decided to mess with it while he was sleeping next to you, neither of you were remotely prepared

It doesn't really compute for him at first. The growing thing in his stomach is about as real as the tooth fairy - it's a concept that people tell him about before he goes back to daily life

It's a concept he's fiercely protective of and wants the best for

On a practical planning level, you two take advantage of his relatively easy first few months to take on a bunch of high paying jobs and revisit villages that seemed like a good spot to stay in

He's almost symptom-free until the bump really starts growing and his body starts adjusting for the extra weight. Thankfully by then you've found a place to settle down and reliable income

Lucio, understandably, becomes a complete diva once you do

He's pretty darn proud of what his body is doing, and he's relieved beyond words that he's having an easier time than what his mother described, but he does not like the way he looks

Or the aches and pains, or the breathlessness, or the way his whole body feels swollen and sore. (at least his hair looks nice)

You've never had such a hard time keeping him to his intended budget. He sees one (1) baby item and his wallet flies open

His sweet tooth gets 1000 times bigger than it already is

#ask arcana brainrot #the arcana #the arcana headcanons #the arcana hc #the arcana game #asra the arcana #julian the arcana #nadia the arcana #muriel the arcana #portia the arcana #lucio the arcana #asra alnazar #julian devorak #nadia satrinava #muriel of the kokhuri #portia devorak #lucio morgasson

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19burstraat · 6 months

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proving kaz is a tidemaker, even tho it's not canon and shouldn't be, but I'm gonna argue for it anyway

I already made this post ages ago and now this has been in my drafts for even longer, I just unearthed it... but I'm making it again, more in depth, bc I didn't hit on everything I wanted to last time. obviously this isn't canon bc the point of kaz is he's Just Some Guy and how that really really pisses off more powerful people, and I think that's definitely best, Kaz NEEDS to be otkazat'sya for his function in the story... but if you ever wanted to prove it in a fic, shit is EASY. (I am vaguely considering how it might work out in a fic. we'll see. I've done stuff that couldn't/I wouldn't want to be canon before with my jordie-lives fic, so...) I'll mostly talk in the context that he'd be a tidemaker bc I feel like that's the conclusion a lot of this comes to, but some of the points are more generalised.

obviously the basic argument everyone makes for this is that the reason kaz was able to get back to shore from reaper's barge is bc, subconsciously or not, as a tidemaker he could control the currents to help him, since that's one of the most basic tidemaker powers. in the harbour scene, he notices that the tide has moved to work against him, but it doesn't seem to prove much of a problem; he attributes it to his new will to survive, but... Well. Kaz is exceptionally good at withholding information, even in his own POV.

grisha not using their powers become ill or weaker; kaz isn't really physically ill but he has an element of the underfed and sallow about him that's generally attributed to living in the barrel.

kaz is also ESPECIALLY horrified by the state of mikka, the tidemaker under the influence of jurda parem at the start of SOC; this is attributed to his past trauma and his dislike for things he can't rationally explain, which, yeah, but he is thrown in a way we don't really see again for the rest of the series. he instantly thinks of jordie, and it's maybe the one time he succumbs to superstition in the whole series.

the obvious explanation for how kaz knew that coffee extract and paraffin hid the scent/evidence of grisha is that he's very clearly involved in smuggling (jesper mentions how coffee grounds were used when packing smuggled jurda shipments) but the second explanation,,, is that he uses them himself. he comes up with the solution with IMMENSE speed and he just like, has the coffee extract around. ok, sure, not that hard to get hold of, but still. and coffee gets mentioned in relation to him at least a few times, most noticeably the 'bitter coffee eyes' thing inej uses, which is amusingly romanticised, but also... inej why do you associate coffee w kaz... something you've noticed abt him?

(but then, you wonder why he didn't suggest this to jesper previously; the answer I'm sure he would give you is he did, when it was a problem. before that it wasn't a problem and jesper was doing fine at staying hidden on his own)

the gloves can also add to this one, since they presumably at least cover his wrists and therefore his pulse somewhat, though obviously that's not their main function.

recovers with startling speed from nearly drowning at the ice court; matthias has to get his breathing going again but he's almost immediately fine after. I know yk, heist fantasy book, gotta keep going, but still

kaz is almost completely correct about the methods, powers of, and appearances of the council of tides (one single thing, the method of hiding their faces, is wrong.) impressive, no...? he is also shockingly apathetic in the face of their threats; they fill his lungs up with water and he just coughs it up and then is like "lol" immediately after. this is funny no matter what the fact of the matter (major general of the idgaf war) but the fact his link to them is left hanging is also a thread that could be easy to pick up. I think it would be hilarious if he was secretly in the council, but I won't stretch it that far bc they clearly don't like him lmao, that would have to be a proper AU.

in the dregs, kaz has a corporalki (nina) and a materialki (jesper) but no etheralki. wouldn't it be prudent to recruit one, if he could find one? or maybe he doesn't need one. if he already has one around, for an emergency of emergencies... for a rainy day... (ha ha)

the way kaz's trauma is often described as manifesting, is with the rising of the harbour waters; so it's pretty reasonable to suggest that in suppressing that, he'd also, inadvertently or not, suppress any kind of tidemaker/etheralki impulse or power. possibly he can't even tell the difference between the two, or they're so tangled up he can't really separate them anymore, which is why he doesn't so much as even think to attempt to use it. still, if this was the case I think improvement with one would not necessarily improve the other, or vice versa. kaz hypothetically using grisha power he'd had suppressed would not magically make his touch aversion go away, I think that'd be weird, and I'd not want his PTSD to be passed off as solely being the sickness from not using grisha power, that's reductive as hell. but I can see them certainly being two things very much intertwined.

we don't know a lot about grisha who are native to kerch, but assumedly he'd not have had much cause to use it in his childhood, on a farm somewhere inland, so most, if not all, of his experience with using it would likely be irretrievably tied to ketterdam and jordie so no wonder he just wouldn't use it. I don't think he'd even see it as feasible. perhaps it would be a very very final resort, but he'd never let it get to that point, he'd always want to try something else first. and anyway, he'd not be trained.

the sankt vladimir story is also thematically quite close to Kaz; holding back the harbour waters until he's finally too exhausted and lets it drown him. I like this regardless of this analysis actually it's a good comparison. patron saint of the drowned and unlikely achievement....

even if kaz wasn't an otkazat'sya, after all that happened, I think he'd try very hard to pretend he was. it couldn't save jordie, therefore in his extreme as hell thinking around that entire thing, I imagine he'd reason it wasn't useful, that he could get on better without it, and, like jesper, think it was a liability.

this would add a wild layer to him being the one to have the jurda parem on him for almost all of crooked kingdom; it would make it feel like his plan z was to take it himself. certainly he'd sooner do that than let jesper take it.

and finally: thematically, it slays. like half of the imagery around kaz (and kanej) centres around water (think the bathroom scene, how he only washes in front of her, etc) and that plays into both of their trauma, plus religious imagery, all this... it's a fantastic bit of extra theming. it just doesn't really work with how his character operates.

basically I think you could DEFINITELY make it work and it'd be a killer fic but again it's one of those things, like jordie living, that I don't really want to be canon because it undermines something about kaz's character that I consider pretty critical; in this case, that kaz is not really endowed with any special power or circumstance, he's just bloody-minded and clever, but that's enough for him to pull off almost impossible jobs anyway.

#six of crows #crooked kingdom #kaz brekker #soc duology #soc #my post #six of crows duology #this has been in my drafts for sooo long lmao #it'd be an interesting fic but idk how I'd frame it. I'll have a think

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pythagoras180 · 2 months

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Why I Hate Adrien

So a few people have asked me why I hate Adrien so much. I've given it some thought, and I've realized that my hatred comes from 3 sources:

1. Adrien is a passive, useless character and a waste of screentime.

Adrien is a very passive character. He doesn't really have goals that he works towards outside of romance. He doesn't feel like a real person with a real life. He's just an object for the actual main characters to fight over. And to be clear, not every character needs to be active or well developed, but thei screentime should correspond to this. Adrien takes up a massive amount of screentime in the show. And since he ended up being worthless, I feel like he personally wasted my time by appearing so much. His screentime could have instead been used to develop the other characters.

2. Adrien is a creator's pet.

While Adrien doesn't really do anything in the show, I think I still may have felt bad for the character if I felt like this was because the writers didn't like him or something. Thing is, Adrien is the complete opposite, as the writers are clearly biases *for* him at every turn. He's almost always portrayed as right, even in situations where he clearly isn't. "Chameleon" clearly portrayed his "advice" about Lila as good, even though anyone with basic respect for their peers wouldn't be okay with letting them be lied to. There's episodes like "Kuro Neko", where Adrien is very clearly in the wrong amd being unreasonable, yet he's still clearly framed like we're supposed to feel bad for him. Part of the reason he has so much screentime is because the writers love to insert him in every situation they can. Even his status as a passive character can be considered as the writers favoring him. They think he shouldn't have to do anything because he's such a precious boy, so everyone should just do everything for him. I'm not inclined to like a character that I feel is getting special treatment just because of who they are.

3. Adrien does horrible things.

Those last 2 points definitely provide potential for me to dislike a character, but I don't think it's possible for me to actually do so if that character hasn't done anything wrong. Well, despite what the writers want you to believe, Adrien has absolutely done a lot of horrendous things. There's the fact that he continued being friends with Chloé despite her remorseless bullying of Adrien's "friends". He keeps trying to date Ladybug despite her repeatedly rejecting him, to the point where it's straight up harassment. This culminates in "Kuro Neko", where he quits his job of protecting the city because he keeps getting rejected (again, this is portrayed as symptomatic). Like I mentioned before, he tells Marinette to let Lila continue lying to everyone else. And why does he do this? I honestly don't know, and neither does anybody else. There's no rationalization for this moment. But the point is, Adrien put Lila above everyone else for some reason. He also emotionally cheated on Kagami, hurt her feelings, and barely cared afterward. He didn't have to do anything to make up with her, that just worked out on its own. He tried to Cataclysm multiple people despite knowing that it can be fatal, and the only time he displays real remorse over it is when Monarch is on the receiving end. Oh, but he only feels bad for like a minute, then he's fine (I believe that that was just to make Ladybug's exposition about not being able to fix it fee more natural, he wouldn't have shown any remorse if that wasn't necessary). Oh, and then there's that one moment in "Passion" where he pretends not to know what the consequences of making a wish is and tried to convince Ladybug to let him make one. If she said yes, he would have sacrificed somebody else to heal Nathalie. The show has made it clear that this is morally wrong. To me, this is the moment where Adrien became irredeemable. Also, in the Paris Special we find out that Adrien became a mass murdering supervillain in an alternate universe because he's sad that his mom died. He didn't have any grander plan, not scheme to bring her back like Gabriel did. Nope, he just killed people because he was sad, that's how they presented it. I know that this is technically a different person, but the alternate characters from tbe special are meant to be pretty close to the originals, just with different circumstances. So I think this shows who Adrien really is deep down. So yeah, I think Adrien is one of the most despicable "good guy" characters ever.

So that's the reason I hate Adrien, in 3 parts. I wouldn't hate him nearly as much if it wasn't for all 3 components. Kind of a perfect storm really, and I don't think I'll ever hate another character this much, for this reason.

#miraculous #miraculous ladybug #adrien salt #ml salt #ml writers salt

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my-hyperfixation-hell · 8 months

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anyone else notice Jingliu was considerably gentle with Yanqing considering her training methods with Blade? (1.2 spoilers for late players)

first thing i need to say here is gentle is a very RELATIVE term. we're comparing her methods with Yanqing to literally (cw for canontypical violence here) fatally wounding Blade over and over again, knowing his immortality wouldn't let him actually die, just suffer, and taking into consideration the fact that she is Marastruck, hindering her ability to behave rationally. We're talking "gentle" for someone like that.

Her initial challenge to him is to kill more enemies, not to actually fight each other. when she DID fight him. her reasoning (or so she says) was because if she let him fight Blade, Blade would kill him, and there is a pretty big chance imo that would've happened if Kafka hadn't stepped in, and if he hadn't been preoccupied with Dan Heng, especially considering despite knowing he's outclassed, Yanqing refused to yield to either Jingliu or Dan Heng and Blade, Jingliu just disappeared on him and Kafka stepped in. Instead, she gives him the option to fight her instead, stating that she'll kill him with mercy, but it seems like she's giving him a choice, especially because she doesn't attack until Yanqing steps forward and accepts. She even praises his courage, and I may just not be detecting the tone properly, but it sounded like genuine approval to me.

Which leaves the question; would she have let Yanqing go if he backed down from fighting her, and stopped pursuing Blade?

In the end, she does get what she wants from him, some records. But she also leaves him alive, even saying her final move was "a token of her appreciation."

Yanqing himself seems surprised he was able to deflect it, and while I think there are a few reasons she left him alive, that was probably what earned her his respect and was the foremost reason why she decided to let him go; he proved himself to her.

I have a few thoughts on the other, perhaps more sentimental reasons. For starters, their shared connection to Jing Yuan. If any part of her still cares about him, which I believe she does, I think sparing Yanqing for him was a big factor in her mind.

On a similar note, I wonder if Yanqing reminds Jingliu of Jing Yuan when he was younger. Jing Yuan, in the trailer The Animated Flash, seems like he was just a little younger than Yanqing is now when Jingliu began training him.

Thirdly, while Yanqing clearly wasn't on her level, I believe he did impress her. If nothing else, killing him would be a waste of talent. I'm not just talking about the deflecting of her final move. I think his persistence and courage impressed her, too. I think she recognized Yanqing's decision to fight her didn't come from him arrogantly assuming he could win, but from his sense of duty (and, admittedly, his recklessness.)

Fourth, Jingliu nowadays seems to have considerable control over herself for someone Marastruck. I've already posted a theory on why that might be, but tl;dr without 1.3 spoilers, I think a certain someone might be helping her, similar to how Kafka helps Blade. That said, unlike our usual marastruck victims, Jingliu is able to somewhat rein herself in nowadays, whereas when she trained Blade, she might've had less self control. This may lend itself to the idea that enough of the person Jingliu was before the Mara was left to realize killing Yanqing would be senseless. After all, he poses no real threat to her. The worst he can do is let Jing Yuan know she's out there, considering she did give Yanqing her real name.

And fifth, Blade was someone Jingliu possibly projected her own feelings on being Marastruck onto. Whatever hatred she has for herself becoming an abomination, she may see in him, too, though this is largely speculation. I also think she went harder on him because unlike Yanqing, still under Jing Yuan's wing, Blade had no one else to protect him at that time. Blade had to be self sufficient, had to learn to endure pain and survive on his own. In her own, Marastruck way, I think there's a possibility that may have been Jingliu's attempt to take care of Blade.

This is a lot of rambling for someone who doesn't look at leaks or read a lot of the collectable books lying around, so I could have missed the mark entirely, but I wanted to brainstorm some reasons for fun, and they give me hope for Jingliu in the future.

She does mention at the end of their fight, after disappearing, that she suspects she'll see Yanqing again, so I hope we get to see that play out and get some more of the grand mentor and grand apprentice dynamic. It really fascinates me to see Jingliu interact with someone so much younger from the Xianzhou. Yanqing is brave and talented, but still young and in training. There's still a part of him in canon that's almost naive and still has a lot to learn, and his quest with Jingliu really highlights that. I think they make really good foils to each other because of that, and I like the idea that any mentorly (or dare my found family loving brain say maternal) affection Jingliu once had for Jing Yuan, in her own way, carries down to her treatment of Yanqing.

But who knows. As always I'd love to hear if anyone else has thoughts, but please avoid anything based on leaked content! I try to dodge that stuff like the plague.

#honkai star rail #yanqing #jingliu #speculation time

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humanitys-strongest-bamf · 8 months

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"get me a damned matcha" | Chapter 13: June II

{{ Chapter 12: May I | Chapter 14: July II }} Chapter Directory

ayyyye we're halfway there folks, steamrolling into the second year

if you wanna get tagged for updates, fill out this form here!

✧ pairing ➼ levi ackerman x fem!reader, college x coffee shop x roommates!au ✧ summary ➼ After you find yourself plagued with misfortune due to struggles in your personal and family life, you find yourself needing to move last minute. As a junior in undergrad with little money and little social support, you considered yourself lucky when you found a sublease that was close to campus and was relatively cheap. Unfortunately, it seemed that your roommate did not seem to be so excited regarding your presence. ✧ content/warnings ➼ fluff, slowburn, mutual pining, idiots in love, negative self-talk ✧ word count ➼ ~5.1k

You were looking for a new place to live back in April after your spat with Levi, but that intention was nowhere to be found now. You signed the lease renewal without hesitation. Part of you told yourself that it was because you just didn't have time to look for another apartment that was affordable.

A more realistic part of you was acutely aware that the decision (or lack thereof) was at least partially affected by the fact that you were growing much closer with your roommate. The idea of not being able to see him regularly gave you an odd discomforting feeling, especially after your chat on the Ferris Wheel. He really was the one major connection currently in your life and you couldn’t imagine throwing that away.

"Great," Levi grumbled as he filed the renewed lease away. "I'm stuck with you for another year?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," you mumbled with an eye roll. "You know Hange snitched to me about how you were saying that I'm much better at cleaning than Miche was?"

You glanced over at Levi as he scoffed.

"Miche was okay at cleaning, just not being organized."

You placed both your hands on your hips and gave Levi a cocky grin.

"And I'm good at both, right?!"

"Certainly weren't at first," he grumbled, which prompted you to stick your tongue out at him again, which he immediately waved off. He watched as you walked to and from the bathroom, throwing towels amongst various items like a bathing suit and sunscreen into a gym bag.

You dug through the bag, taking a mental note of everything that was in there to check if you had forgotten anything.

"You're not bringing a swimming suit?" you asked, looking at Levi over your shoulder.

"And immerse myself in the filthy ocean water that's filled with who knows what? Fuck no."

You were much more excited for this beach trip than you were willing to admit. Unlike the amusement park, this wasn't an official outing that you had to be responsible for. Some of the freshmen (soon to be sophomores) in the Honors Society decided that they wanted to check out the beach and you elected to tag along. What you didn't expect was for Levi to also tag along.

"You know you don't have to come," you noted with a serious expression. "Even if you don't touch the water, the sand's also messy and will get into your shoes and clothes."

Levi knew that you had a point. His surroundings were going to be filthy regardless of if he swam or not. He would never willingly find himself at the beach. The water was gross, the sand was messy, and the public bathrooms were generally disgusting. There were too many people and parking was always a nightmare.

The reason he was going was because of you, although he'd never openly admit to it. Hanging out with you has been enjoyable and he found himself missing you whenever you were gone. The prime example was how he had reacted over spring break. You were gone for only a few days and he found himself feeling resentful and grumpy over it, to the point that he ended up being enough of a dick to you to drive you to somehow end up at your ex-boyfriend’s.

"It's monotonous and dull here," he rationalized. "Maybe being around you and the brats you hang out with will annoy me enough to want to come back home and be alone."

You raised an eyebrow at him.

"Are you saying you're enjoying hanging out with me, then?"

"Tch," Levi scoffed, avoiding eye contact with you. "Of course not."

You continued to give him a skeptical look, not believing a single word that was coming out of his mouth, but you otherwise didn't push it.

"Well, if you change your mind, you don't have to come."

"I'm driving."

"I can catch a ride with someone else!"

When you looked back towards Levi, you saw that he was clearly scowling at you.

"...Just shut up and finish packing."

~~~~~

“Surprised you came along, Levi!”

“Trust me, I didn’t want to at first,” Levi mumbled with a scoff, throwing a side glance over at Nicolo. He had just learned that Nicolo was the point of contact for setting up this trip. His connection with Sasha led to the connection with you, which is how you found yourself here primarily with the freshmen instead of with the other officers of the Honors Society that you usually found yourself hanging out around.

Levi kept his eyes on you, although he wasn’t entirely aware of that himself. He watched as you splashed around in the water, throwing a blow-up tube over you. You struggled to get onto it at first, which tugged at the corners of his lips into a small, amused smile. He wasn’t feeling malicious about watching you struggle, he actually found it quite cute.

That smile got quickly replaced with a frown as he had that disturbing thought again about you.

“_____ drag you here?”

Levi peeled his eyes away from you, trying to push down the feelings of unease and confusion that were becoming more prominent within him.

“Something like that.”

Nicolo got distracted as soon as Sasha came up to him and called his name, carrying a paper bag that was filled with groceries and grilling material. From what little Levi could see, it seemed the newly formed couple was planning on having a grill-out later in the day. At least it meant that he'd be able to get away from the beach eventually.

As the two walked off, Levi was left on his own to stew in his own thoughts. He would usually never find himself here. He even adamantly dodged answering Hange when they asked where he was going on his day off, being more willing to let them theorize about whatever it is that he was up to over letting them know that you had successfully dragged him to somewhere like the beach. He had been here for a few hours at this point and had yet to even step into the sand.

He was avoiding the beach itself, but it did end up being awkward for him to be hanging by himself when he purposefully came to a social event. His reasoning in February was because he only went to make sure you didn’t find yourself in trouble again. He had no such reason now.

Levi found himself annoyed because he really was questioning why he bothered with coming. You had jokingly accused him of enjoying spending time with you, but that couldn’t possibly be the case. It was purely because he needed to get away from the school and apartment, and your trip just happened to be at a convenient time for him.

Part of him knew that was a lie.

As he watched you floating around leisurely on that blow-up tube, he felt this strange pull to approach you. However, you were in the water and he was adamantly against going anywhere near the water. Even the thought of stepping into the water filled him with a sense of disgust.

Levi sighed and groaned to himself. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to stay here. He didn’t want to go towards you either.

Noticing a local pub and the fact that it was a little past noon, he elected to simply get something to eat.

It wasn’t much better there, either.

It was crowded, the music was too loud, and it was too small of a space. At this point, he was more than grumpy enough to seriously consider maybe leaving and hanging out by himself in his car for the rest of the day, although he knew that you would give him nonstop shit about it if you found out about it—and knowing his luck, you’d definitely find out about it.

After finally getting to order and eat something that wasn’t completely covered in grease, he wandered around the downtown area, noting an ice cream shop nearby. While he normally wouldn’t be bothered to check it out, seeing the dessert shop immediately reminded him of you. The past few times that you had been upset over something, his first thought was to get you food as soon as he found out that you were food motivated. You obviously weren’t particularly upset about anything currently, but getting you food (or making you Matchas) had become one of his ways of spending time with you.

He scowled at the ice cream shop. He had insisted that he had come to the beach for himself and that it had nothing to do with spending time with you, but he knew that wasn’t true. It was also incredibly annoying that something as simple as an ice cream shop immediately reminded him of you.

Despite how tilted he found himself, he still ended up making his way towards the shop, unable to fight off the instinct of obtaining the one thing that never failed to uplift your mood.

~~~~~

It was hot enough that you were more than refreshed just hanging out in the water without a care in the world. You had just rolled into the water off of one of the blow-up tubes. You had originally elected to just sunbathe, but only lasted about ten minutes before you felt like the sun was frying you alive, prompting you to roll directly into the water.

You didn't particularly have a lot of stamina, so you were only able to swim without a floatie for about another ten minutes before you gave up and grabbed onto the blow-up tube and started wading towards land.

Once you finally got back to the shore, you tossed the tube to the side and began wringing out your hair before putting it up in a loose ponytail. You had left your bag near an umbrella for shade and dug out a towel to begin to dry yourself off, taking care to not get too much sand and water into the bag itself.

You looked around and saw that Jean, Connie, and Sasha were still screwing around in the water. Eren and Mikasa had come along as well, but they were currently nowhere to be found.

You didn't bring your usual group of friends with you. It's not that you wanted to intentionally leave them out, but you were starting to get sick of being the one inviting them to things. You were the one that was invited onto this trip, and for once, you weren't going to take the responsibility of who was coming or ensuring that everyone had a good time.

You couldn’t deny that you held some resentment towards them over what happened at the amusement park. You planned the whole thing, and got momentarily separated, and then they didn’t bother to check in with you for the rest of the day until they needed you for something logistical. You would be able to understand that it could have been a result of you also not reaching out, if this wasn’t a regular occurrence. It was excuse after excuse, and half the time it was you just making excuses for them. At this point, you didn’t even know if it was worth bringing it up or if you would just be met with defensiveness. You weren’t satisfied with being complacent, but you also didn’t want to put work into fixing a relationship if they weren’t also invested in repairing it.

By the time Levi had decided to actually step foot onto the beach, you had already set out a towel to sunbathe, propping up an umbrella behind you so that you had the option to take shelter in the shade in case it got too hot. Levi’s pacing slowed down once he got closer to you.

He could barely contain the discomfort radiating through his body when he saw you applying sunscreen onto your bare body. Your hands were currently roaming up and down your calves to your upper thigh, suddenly making your curves that much more obvious to him. It wasn't like he didn't see you in shorts (or even half-naked) before, but he suddenly felt the need to look away as if he was invading your private space. At the same time, he couldn't take his eyes off you.

Levi kinda awkwardly shuffled from side to side, unsure of what to do. He couldn't just stand there behind you without being a creep—plus, the ice cream would melt.

He cleared his throat, prompting you to look up at him, your face lighting up once you saw the ice cream cone in his hand.

"Oh, thank you," you said as you took the ice cream cone from him, your cheeks heating up a bit. "Wanna sit?"

You scooted over to the side a bit to give him space to also sit on your towel. You pulled your knees up to your chest while quietly licking at the ice cream cone, the cold custard bringing a refreshing feeling to your mouth. It was perfect for a day as hot as today.

Levi tried his best to avoid looking down at you past your face. Your bikini didn’t seem overly revealing at the time, but now he felt like he couldn’t help but notice how it looked on you. Your hair was pulled up into a ponytail, which revealed the nape of your neck and the sunscreen made your skin shimmer. He felt heat rapidly rising to his face and he forced himself to look away and focus on the coldness of the ice cream instead to try to get himself out of that headspace, pissed that he found himself there in the first place.

You bit on your bottom lip, slightly anxious, as you looked at Levi, who was meticulously working through his ice cream cone, looking much more tense than usual. He wasn’t wearing a swimsuit, so he just had on a white t-shirt with some shorts on. His arms up to his upper bicep was exposed and it took every ounce of self-control within you to not continue staring at him. As usual, his hair fell perfectly over his forehead and his signature irritated scowl seemed oddly alluring. You slightly shook your head upon realizing the types of thoughts that you were having.

You shot a side glance at him, watching as he picked away at his ice cream. Upon closer inspection, you could see that he had elected for a waffle bowl instead of an ice cream cone and that he was using a spoon to scoop out the ice cream instead of shoving it in his face like you were.

When he finally looked over at you again, he immediately passed you a napkin. He had grabbed a more than generous bundle from the shop that he was just at.

"You're dripping."

"Oh, shit," you muttered as you took the napkin and wrapped it around the cone, checking to make sure the sugary liquid didn't get onto the towel.

Your hand lingered on that spot on the towel for a bit, as if you were struggling to say something. Your finger gently rubbed the cloth back and forth for a while before your lips finally parted.

"Thank you for not being...weird after the other week," you mumbled.

"What are you talking about?" he asked in what almost sounded like a genuine tone as he finished his ice cream, but he knew what you were referring to—and you knew that he knew.

"...Nevermind," you said as you shook your head.

It seemed like neither of you really wanted to discuss what had happened—or rather, what had almost happened—on the Ferris Wheel.

You remembered the two of you chatting over your sudden grumpiness when you suddenly got the impulsive urge to kiss him. You had gotten so distracted that you could barely remember what it was that you were trying to say at the time: that Levi was the only really close and reliable connection that you had.

"...Just thank you for always being there to pick up the pieces, I guess," you mumbled. "I hope you're not too distressed about having to live with me for another year."

You looked up hesitantly at him. Your last statement was meant to be a joke, but there was a bit of actual anxiety present in your voice as well.

He glanced down at you.

"I think I'll find a way to cope with your annoying ass."

You shot him a half-hearted smile. You knew this banter was normal from him, but you couldn't help but doubt. You couldn't help but ponder on the fact that no one would reasonably want to live with you.

"Cut that out," Levi scolded with a groan.

You blinked at him.

"Cut what out?"

"You're pitying yourself again."

"What? No I'm not," you said defensively.

Levi shot you a skeptical look, not believing you in the slightest.

"You're not as much of a pain in the ass as you think you are."

You scoffed at the irony of his comment.

"You still think that after you had to scout out the entire town for me that one night?"

"Yes."

He responded extraordinarily quickly, and with clear conviction in his voice.

You clenched your jaw and looked down and away from him.

"Do you not believe me?"

He never took his gaze off you.

"_____," he called out after you remained quiet for a while.

You let out an unsteady breath.

"I want to," you whispered. "I just feel like I'm always dragging you down or bothering you for something and there are so many times in which I regret texting you at night because I know you're busy and I don't want to be a burden. And-"

"You never shut up, do you?" Levi scolded, cutting you off. "You're not a fucking burden. Quit doing that to yourself."

He slightly shoved at you in an attempt to pull you out of your head.

You pulled away and looked at him, feeling your cheeks slightly warm up upon seeing that he was shooting you a subtle smile. You gave him a half-hearted smile in return.

"Maybe you're not as much of a dick as I thought you were."

He frowned at your comment.

"You thought I was a dick?"

"Mhm," you said with a nod. "When we first talked, remember?"

"Purged that memory," he said with a deadpan expression, implying that his first meeting with you was so terrible that he had to repress his memory of it.

"Ha, yeah right."

You hated the fact that your cheeks were warming up in his presence again. You hated the fact that you couldn't pull away from him even if you wanted to.

And you absolutely hated the fact that you got this close to your aloof roommate that was insistent on being a dick to you right off the bat.

~~~~~

"You went out to get a sandwich?"

"Not touching that oil-soaked patty."

You looked over across the alley and saw that Nicolo was in the middle of teaching Sasha how to grill. He had brought his own patties that he had prepared earlier on in the day. Given the fact that everyone had been screwing around in the water all day, they were more than ready for burgers—except for Levi.

He was making a face of absolute disgust at the burgers. He was sure it tasted great—he knew of Nicolo's cooking abilities—but just the sight of the coat of grease over them made him scrunch up his nose in disgust.

Instead, he had walked over to a nearby restaurant to order a sandwich. You knew he had walked off to do that. What you didn't expect was that he was going to come back with one in hand for you too.

You didn't have a problem eating the burger, but the sandwich did admittedly look more appetizing than the burgers that everyone had begun digging through.

"So?"

Levi raised an eyebrow at you as you spoke.

"So?"

"You regret coming yet?"

He looked at you without responding, unsure why you were randomly bringing up the question.

"I saw you smacking your shoes earlier to get the sand out."

Levi's breathing paused for a moment. He didn't expect you to notice that. He had made sure that you were out of sight when he went behind his car to get the sand out, not wanting to give you the satisfaction of an "I told you so".

He grunted in response.

"Whatever. As long as it doesn't get in the car."

"Maybe I'll make you go swimming next," you mused.

"Don't you dare."

You chuckled at his reaction, taking a sip of your beer. You looked up towards both Nicolo and Sasha as you finished your sandwich and saw that Sasha had already picked up how to use the grill, despite having only been introduced to it around twenty minutes ago.

You knew all the way back in November that they were beginning to become a thing, so you weren't surprised when they arrived at the beach as an official couple. You watched them interact with each other and found your eyes flashing over towards Levi.

You mentally slapped yourself for doing so. The fact that you automatically looked at him when thinking about a "new couple" meant that those feelings that rose up at the amusement park were still there, and they didn't seem to be going away any time soon. Your housing situation would be made a hundred times more complicated if you ended up falling in love with your roommate. You continued trying to convince yourself that that wasn’t the case and that there was some other explanation for your feelings that didn’t involve a more intimate relationship with him.

It was Levi. He was supposed to piss you off and you were supposed to piss him off. Him being kind to you was a fluke. You just happened to have multiple flukes in a row. It couldn’t possibly mean anything.

You awkwardly shuffled around on the bench, trying to shake off the feeling. Levi immediately noticed that your body posture had changed.

"What?" he asked with a frown.

You looked at him with flushed cheeks. You weren't sure if it was from him or from the alcohol beginning to hit you. You'd prefer if it was just the alcohol.

"Nothing," you mumbled, shaking your head. "Just the alcohol settling in."

He blinked at you a few times with a raised eyebrow. He didn't believe you.

This had turned into a common theme between the two of you. Whether you were intending to or not, lying to him has become significantly more difficult as of late, and vice versa. The tension and mind games were killing you, but you weren’t willing to address anything, if you even knew what “anything” entailed of.

You grimaced as everyone began swarming the table now that the burgers were done and everyone had grabbed their food. The small table that you had been peacefully eating your sandwich at soon became chaotic and messy. Everyone chatting at once became incredibly noisy and it was wearing away at your nerves. You were soon no longer processing anything that was being said, your world simply turning into a haze that vaguely involved people running around and screaming something about summer break that you were too overwhelmed to fully tune in to.

Levi got up and placed a hand on your shoulder, sensing the tension.

"Come, talk a walk with me. It's-"

"-getting too rowdy?" you finished his sentence with a slight smirk. You shared the sentiment, however. It was much too noisy for either of you. Although Levi had pulled you out of your dissociative state, you felt it quickly returning.

He responded to your comment with an eye roll, but otherwise motioned for you to follow as he began to wander back towards the shoreline.

~~~~~

"Oh c'mon, at least dip a toe in!" you shouted back at Levi from the shoreline.

"Fuck no."

You were barely in the water, just close enough for the waves to wash over your feet, but remaining dry otherwise.

The beach was starting to cool off now that the sun began to go down. The sky had a relaxing pink hue to it that was speckled with white clouds drifting about. It had gotten chilly enough that you had a thin, translucent pullover on so that you weren't wearing just a bikini.

You tried to coax Levi to step into the water, but he adamantly refused. After seeing that he wasn't going to budge, you sighed and stepped out of the water, slightly bumping into him as you walked up next to him.

He slightly pushed back against you with an annoyed look. He had invited you on a walk to get away from everyone else, not expecting you to try to drag him into the ocean.

His frown lines softened as you looked up into his eyes and your cheeks heated up as he gave you "that" look again. It was the one you saw for the first time on that Ferris Wheel—a gentle, compassionate look that you rarely got to see from him.

You broke eye contact, feeling your entire body begin to heat up just from being around him. You mumbled something under your breath.

"What?"

You shook off your nerves and spoke up.

"Thanks...for always being there to pick me up."

He sighed in irritation.

"Quit thanking me for it."

You had thanked him for the exact same thing repeatedly over the past day and while he wasn't necessarily sick of it, he knew how excessive it was. He was acutely aware that it had to do with a sense of shame or guilt, but he hoped that you'd eventually be able to just accept that it's okay to need or ask for help.

"I'm sorry if it ever seems like I'm not grateful," you mumbled. "I really don't know what I would've done without you this past year so..."

Your hand grabbed at your other arm in anxiety.

"...so I guess you're not as bad of a roommate as I thought you would be."

You had to end your comment with a joke. At this point it seemed to serve as a protective factor against whatever it was that was brewing within you whenever you were around him. You were hesitant to test the waters with him. It was why you didn't text him when you were on the bus ride back from the amusement park.

You didn't want to screw up what you already had. You didn't want to mess up this delicate friendship that you had finally been able to forge.

When you finally gathered up the courage to look at him again, you saw that he never took his eyes off you the entire time.

He looked into your eyes for a bit before he spoke, as if he was also contemplating about the best way to word his thoughts.

"Did you mean it?"

"That you're not a shit roommate?"

He let out an annoyed tut.

"Not that, dumbass."

You tilted your head a bit at him, genuinely unsure of what he was referring to.

"At the amusement park," he said quietly, and you felt your body freeze upon him bringing it up. "On the Ferris Wheel. Did you mean it?"

He was referring to what you had been saying about being close to him. You remembered musing about the fact that you didn't really have anyone that you could call family, or anyone that you could rely on to be there in case shit hit the fan—except for Levi.

Levi was always there for you, even if it seemed like he didn't want to be. Levi would drop everything to make sure you were okay. You could confidently rely on him. Whether you had wanted to or not, you had formed somewhat of a close bond with him, to the point that every minute that you spent with him involved you being incredibly confused over what your relationship actually was.

You felt your cheeks continue to heat up and you turned to walk away, pausing as your hand brushed up against his.

Your hands lingered near each other for a bit as the both of you stopped moving. You even felt his fingers slightly grasp at yours, although you could easily convince yourself that this wasn't intentional, but it still sent chills throughout your body nonetheless.

"Uhm..y-yeah," you stammered, "I guess I did...Is that okay?"

Neither of you pulled your hands away. The desire to get closer to him was destroying you, but you held agonizingly still as you anxiously waited for his response.

"Sure."

You looked into each other's eyes and you felt that same tension, that same alluring feeling drawing you towards him, that same temptation to gently plant your lips against his. Your face only continued to heat up as you stood next to him, fingers crossed with his, the both of you unmoving, waiting to see what the other would do.

Levi cleared his throat before finally stepping back away from the shoreline.

"Should head back. It's getting dark."

It took you a minute to reorient yourself to reality.

"Yeah," you said quietly as you let out an unsteady exhale. "We should."

You lingered behind him a bit, letting him walk forward. You watched him from behind, appreciating the way that the breeze was blowing through his hair. Your eyes dropped down to the bottom of his t-shirt, where it slightly rose up so that you could ever so slightly see the bottom of his bare back. It wasn’t anything special, but just simply seeing his shirt rise made your body heat up in ways that you weren’t willing to admit to yourself. Besides, you still weren't sure how he felt. Part of you wanted to think that whatever was building up in you was reciprocated, but you were much too scared to act on it without explicit confirmation that he wanted it too.

Even if it was reciprocated, you weren't even sure if you wanted to officially go there. Things were too chaotic and you had never planned to fall in love with your roommate that you had hated so much a year ago.

You weren't sure—but you couldn't deny that a deep part of you left you longing for more.

they're so stupid skjdfksdf #: @levisbrat25 @gothgril69 @sckerman @berrijam @notgoodforlife @meowjaa @averysmolbear @roseofdarknessblog @bejewelledd @hhighkey @ayame236 @sad-darksoul @velouria17 @kamyru @l1zk4 @layenacreates @lamees004 @whoami-72 @highgoon69 @chaotic-on-main @levishotgf @nube55 @chosos-mascara @heichoucleanfreak @svftackerman @alexkibutsuji @moonchild-angel

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billthedrake · 2 years

Text

MY SON'S PORN LIFE

It was just porn, I rationalized, and I'm a man with a more than healthy libido. Married with three kids, I have a decent sex life with my wife, especially considering that we've been married for 25 years now.

But I like to jerk off, too, and since I turned 50, my bi side had been rearing itself more. A while back I went through a phase of lining up no-strings BJs from guys on the side. I'd put that behind me, but I still got off on the fantasy of fucking a guy or having him suck me. 8 times out of 10, when I was looking for stroke fodder, I'd pull up a gay porn video.

Then came the fateful day. I didn't even know what I was looking at first. I was just browsing one of those free video sites and saw a thumbnail of two hot bodies with a tag like "Hot Jocks Fuck After Practice." Unlike with women, I don't even know that I have a type when it comes to guys, but these dudes looked hot... muscular and young 20s, smooth bodied. They're probably everyone's type.

I clicked, and my heart sank.

It started out PG-rated, with two jockish guys sitting on a couch, one with his arm draped over the other's shoulder as the cameraman asked them questions and the guys talking about being excited for the scene that was about to happen.

One of the young men, the blond hunk with his arm draped over the beefier dark-haired guy, was my son Travis.

Holy fuck. I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't believe it at first. My oldest kid - and only son - was doing gay porn. I listened to another half minute of the pre-sex interview and watched as Travis turned to the dark-haired dude, with a playful lust in his blue eyes and said, "Yeah, Sam has an amazing ass." He turned back to the camera with a grin and added, "Like, big fucking meaty cakes..."

"Ha," the cameraman laughed. "You ready to do this then?"

"Hell yeah," the dark haired guy replied.

I closed the browser, hyperventilating.

My Trav. Good kid, great student, played football at the expensive college we sent him to. I didn't know how long he'd been doing porn, or if this was a one-off. I wondered if he had any troubles, financial difficulties, drugs, gambling, whatever, that led him to do this. I wondered if I should tell his mother.

But I paused, staring at now blank screen. Maybe Travis was doing this for money, but he seemed to be enjoying himself. Sure there was playing along, but you can only fake so much.

And I knew Kate would freak out. She wasn't judgmental, but this was something else. Besides, she was the worrying sort of mother. That's why I loved her, that's why she was such a wonderful parent. But this would break her heart. I'd be keeping this to myself.

***

It was mid-afternoon in the office when Kate called. "Brad, you still able to make Caitlin's game today?" Our middle daughter Courtney was in college now, and Caitlin was now a senior in high school, which meant these soccer games would soon be a thing of the past.

I didn't mind, really. I had a sales job that could be crazy busy and required a lot of travel but days like that day I had some flexibility. And I loved my girls and enjoyed being the supportive dad. There were a few soccer parents who regularly showed up and we all kind of bonded. And the girls' team was really good that year. It was fun.

"Yeah, I'll be there."

"Great," my wife said. "I should be able to catch the last half, and maybe we can get dinner out. I have book club tonight," she reminded me.

We wrapped our conversation and I checked the clock. 2:30. I put in another hour of work, then cut out early.

I knew I'd be on my own for taking care of my orgasm that evening, so I went home first. I had enough time for a nice, leisurely stroke and looked forward to enjoying it.

As I got to my bedroom and kicked off my shoes, though, a thought hit me. A curiosity, sure, but also a horniness.

I wanted to watch my son Travis fuck a guy.

I was shaking a little as I searched again for that video. But I wasn't as hesitant as I should have been. It took me a few seconds to find it. That familiar thumbnail. My heart beat. I pressed play.

I listened to the introductory banter. The flirtiness between the two guys, putting on their dumb-jock act. Then the cameraman prodding, "You ready to do this then?"

I was rock hard. My son kissed dark haired guy. Trav looked like a smooth operator, snaking his tongue between the other guy's lips and making out, softly at first, then with more lust.

Their hands now removed their tank tops. Dark haired guy was real muscular, like a total gym body. Still had his baby fat, which made his bulk hotter somehow. I watched Trav feel him up, and I had to unzip.

Travis was the real star, though. Ripped, waxed smooth, tanned muscle contrasting with his adorable boy next door looks. My eyes were riveted to him, drawn as much as the dark haired guy's hands, which were now pawing at Travis's bare chest and abs, and then moving down...

I let out a groan when that hand cupped Travis's crotch. This was the moment of truth. Was I going to watch more?

I couldn't stop it, or take my eyes away. Trav got a playful look on his face and undid his shorts, making his abs crunch as he lifted his hips to slide them off.

There it was. My son's cock. His erection, long and thick, very much like my own. I never thought of myself as having a porn star cock, but I knew I was hung, and now I had a son who literally had a porn star dick.

I felt the excitement over take me as I stroked my own prick and jets of semen shot out. Uncontrollably. A crazy orgasm that had my head flushed and pounding from the taboo excitement.

I shut the video and the computer. And I quickly cleaned my mess.

Fuck.

***

Yeah, I felt like a heel. But I'd gotten off big time, and I knew I would again.

By now I had a good lead. Trav went by the name of "Brent" and was a Sean Cody model. Turns out this wasn't his only, or even his first video.

I found the others. Each one was better than the last. Travis was the jock-next-door type who played it up for the camera. His MO seemed to be to start off slow and romantic with a guy and work up to really pounding the bottom's ass with long, hard strokes. More than one came hands free from it. I just about did, even watching.

I watched them all, savoring them one by one until I was able to make it to the end of each. Then I watched them repeatedly, too much. I thought the guilt would kick in and I'd come to my senses, but I never did. I thought the novelty of the forbidden fruit would wear off, but I came buckets watching Travis fuck guys. Every single time.

I dug around more. From the comments on blogs, it seemed that "Brent" was a fan favorite. There was some bitching from guys that Sean Cody didn't have stars like Travis any more, that they'd gone downhill over the last year.

That hit me for some reason. I mean, I was glad that porn was just a temporary thing for my son. Logically, I would have been happier if it hadn't been a thing at all for him. But fuck, I wanted to see more. I loved watching my son. It was like spying on him, letting me be a voyeur into his sex life. And, hands down, Travis was just a stud.

I initially felt a burst of shame when I saw my wife or daughters after I stroked off. But they didn't know. I was still a good father, though if Travis knew I wouldn't blame him for having another opinion of me.

When Travis came home for Christmas, it hit me. The awkwardness, the weight of the secret. He thought I was just stressed from work or something, I guess. We ended up having a good visit with him. But he seemed like he had something on his mind.

The last day, he gathered us around the table. He was nervous as hell, but he came right out with. "I've got something to tell you guys... I'm gay."

Caitlin and Courtney immediately got out of their chairs and went to hug their big brother. I never was prouder of them.

I wondered if Kate had any inclination, but I could tell then that she was surprised. She was supporting as always though. Not touchy feely like our daughter, but more communicative.

It was my turn. "We love you son. And I'm proud as hell of ya." I was getting a little teary but tried to be the stoic Dad. I think Travis appreciated both.

***

Life moved forward. Caitlin graduated from high school and was getting ready to head out East for college. Courtney was applying to med schools. Kate and I were starting to talk seriously about retirement and making plans for a future now that the kids were flying the coop.

Travis was now 25, out of college and living in Chicago. He worked as a personal trainer and just enjoyed being a young guy in the big city. He was probably enjoying dating and the gay scene, but I didn't know the details. But I had a sales visit in Chicago pretty often and I'd always book an extra night to have some quality time with my son.

It was nice to have a break from the "Brent" videos. Maybe it was the increased sex with Kate, a kind of second honeymoon, but I was watching way less porn. And while I visited Travis's videos from time to time, I wasn't as obsessed with them.

Until I saw a new one. An OnlyFans one shot in a hotel room. Only he was no longer "Brent" but "JakeTheJock." But it was the same hunky Travis, he'd even put on a little more muscle. And the same fuck technique... romantic making out, some swapped BJs or 69 for foreplay. Rimming his bottom, then going to pound town on him bareback.

It was like a junkie mainlining after getting out of rehab. I knew I shouldn't be watching, but there was just an incredible rush, a high even. I had gotten to where I regularly busted twice in a session watching Travis fuck, but this had me getting off three times.

It took some creativity but I found a way to subscribe to Trav's OnlyFans without any telltale signs on my credit card statement. With regularity, I found time to get off to watching my very hunky son have sex. The guilt hadn't gone completely away, but I'd gotten real good and compartmentalizing it. The weird thing is for as much as I watched my son's porn videos, I didn't have any specific fantasies involving me and him. It was just an immediate lust, combined with the thrill of taboo and the voyeurism of almost spying on him. Seeing his secret life.

At first I missed the relative professionalism of the Sean Cody vids, but Travis's OnlyFans offered the advantage of quantity. Every week, I got to watch Travis with another guy. Or a repeat session with one of the other OF "stars." He was branching out beyond jock types like him and doing other men. Some older, some beefier, some hairy. I loved watching it all. A couch BJ in a New York apartment, or shower sex in some London hotel. I was following up on my son's travel through his porn page.

***

It was hard to look at my son the same way again. I loved him and respected him as a normal proud parent, but when I visited him, in the back of my head all I could think of was Travis's toned muscle, his big thick dick and the size of his cum loads oozing out of some muscle dude's ass.

For what it was worth, my son SEEMED happier now, enjoying his life and his day job and filling me in a little on his dating life when I came to visit.

"Maybe I'm not ready to settle down," he admitted with a grin as we had dinner in some downtown restaurant that Travis had picked a change of pace from the expense account steakhouses I took prospects on my sales call.

God help me I found my son so attractive at that moment. The dim light of the restaurant bringing out his blond hair and blue eyes and his dimples and perfect teeth. I actually threw hard in my suit trousers under the tablecloth.

I was fucked up, I knew, but the next day I requested to be put more regularly on the Midwest territory at work. I passed it off as seniority and wanting some closer travel, but really I just wanted to be in Chicago more.

***

The next video my life changed. It was a Tuesday after my Chicago visit and I'd cut out of work a little early to have some time with a new video that was planned to drop. I still had no idea how far in advance Travis shot these. Maybe it was made right after my visit or weeks before.

I just knew something was different about this one. Travis had been paired with some older men before, mostly fitness buff types and muscle guys. But this one with by the handle "CornfedDaddy" and he looked a little like Travis - blond and blue eyed, that Scandinavian-German stock giving him some real height and bulk. He looked even more like me. Middle aged, fit but more normal looking than a normal porn star. I wondered how Travis's fan subscribers would react but seeing Travis making out with this dude got me hard as fuck.

I knew it was because I imagined myself in CornfedDaddy's place, and Travis actively attracted to me.

And that attraction was real. Travis wasn't faking the intensity of that kiss or the excitement in feeling up that 40-something bulk. My hunky son seemed almost dreamy voice as he growled, "Ready to show the guys something new, Daddy?"

That very word almost had me coming.

The man was like one of my goddamn work colleagues, or the married men you'd see around Kansas City. And he talked like a suburban guy, too. "Fuck yes," he answered with a happy laugh.

Travis's strong hand massaged the man's boner through his shorts, then pushed the hem down. CornfedDaddy might not have had a porn star body, but that dick was big, bigger than Travis's.

I watched as my son leaned over and started sucking on that giant hog.

I came, my first cum, shooting hard into my fist. I had to let go to cool off and stop the video a second. I wiped off the excess cum and tossed the kleenex in the trash. This was gonna be an epic stroke session.

I took a look around and checked my phone. Coast was going to be clear for a while. I resumed watching.

I'd seen Travis suck a dick before, but this felt more purposeful and certainly more of a challenge than the other bottoms he'd been with. But like before, he pulled off and leaned back on the couch, ready for his turn at being serviced. He pulled down his shorts and I saw my son's beautiful dick. I was proud I'd created a man that amazing.

CornfedDaddy got a big grin and scooted down onto his knees, between Travis's legs. I loved watching guys suck my son. Occasionally Travis would post oral only videos of some guy blowing him and swallowing his load. I don't know that I preferred those to the fucking but they were amazing in their own different way.

But Cornfed Daddy had a different kind of swagger to his dad-next-door expression. "Lift em up, son," he urged. And Travis did, pulling those thick, knotted thighs up and back to his chest.

The Daddy dove in, starting to rim Travis with an excited urgency.

"That's it, Daddy, eat my hole!" my son cried.

I shot the second time.

I was hyperventilating now. It took me a second to get the energy to pause the video. Daddy was just pulling out.

I looked down at my load. Not as heavy as the first, but jesus it was heavier than it had a right to be. I was grateful now that I hadn't chickened out or let my guilt stop me from subscribing to Travis's videos.

I took more of a break this time. I got some water and checked some work emails. I knew I wanted another cum, but i was in my 50s. I'd need some recovery time.

Finally, I was ready. I already knew this would be a video I'd savor for many sessions. I resumed it and wondered it was going to go where I dreamed it might.

It did. Cornfed grabbed some lube and slicked up his cock before lining it up with my sons hole, teasing it some.

"First time on camera, right?" he asked Travis.

My son's adorable smile showed as he nodded. "Fuck yeah. Figure it was time for those guys to watch me get fucked."

Cornfed gave him a quick kiss then leaned up and hissed. "Let's show them, then."

And like that I was watching another man penetrate my stud son's hot ass.

I held off stroking and just let my cock ache in hardness as I watched. I knew instinctively this was not Travis's first cock. But the virginity idea hit me deep, and the men on screen were playing it up.

Travis leaned back and stroked his big dick and came hard, shooting ropes on his ripped torso.

Cornfed kept fucking, but within a minute he was getting close, too. I watched him approach his nut and started stroking myself, trying to time my third cum with the ejaculation inside my son. It was pretty close. Watching that Daddy orgasm and hearing his grunt sent me firing.

By now, I was feeling spent and overstimulated. I had to shut the video and focus on something besides what I saw.

****

I had a Chicago sales call the following week. I gave Travis some space, telling him I'd be in the city more now and if he had other plans, he shouldn't feel obligated to meet up this time.

"Nonsense, Dad," he said. "I have some evening clients that day but I could meet you after."

I had a business dinner anyway, so I told him I'd come to Boystown for a change, and meet him for a drink around 9:30.

God, he looked like a million bucks, his workout clothes fitting his form well. He had an amazing body on camera, but up close his muscle seemed firmer, bigger. I had a fleeting thought that I should hire him as my personal trainer.

I was tempted to have a normal evening, but it had been weighing on my mind. The need to come clean. Not all of it of course, but halfway through our first drink I dropped the bombshell.

"Trav... I know how to bring this up, but I know about your videos," I said quietly.

I expected a sense of shame or embarrassment, but Travis mostly just seemed surprised. "Did someone tell you?" he asked.

I shook my head, letting out more than maybe I should. "No, I just stumbled on one."

That made my son grin. "So you watched me?" he asked with a gentle laugh.

The fact that my son didn't seem put off by me watching him made my heart pound and my mind go where it shouldn't. But I lied. "No... when I saw it was you...." I didn't know how to explain, maybe because there was no good explanation.

Travis's laid back nature put me at ease some. "I didn't know you were into gay stuff, Dad," he said with an easy smile. I could tell he was happy with that knowledge. Maybe it made him feel less of an outcast in the family or something.

"I guess I have a bi streak when it comes to porn," I admitted. I figured it was the least I could own up to, since I'd practically admitted it already. "But you're not telling your mother," I added with a playful smile of your own.

"Don't worry, Dad," he assured me. "Um, does she know about my porn life."

"No," I said. "No guarantees someone won't tell her, though."

He nodded. "Yeah, I figure. I mean, I'm not ashamed of it, Dad. I enjoy it and it's good money coming in. I'll probably be able to buy a nice condo in a year or so."

I shook my head with a little wince. For as much as I'd perved to my son, a father doesn't like hearing this kid is doing something which may harm him. "I hope you don't mind that I brought it up."

Travis patted my leg. Not flirty, but affectionate. "Nah, it's good you did. I don't like keeping secrets." He took as sip of his drink then continued, "Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Depends," I said. Nervous for what he was going to ask.

"So, when you came across my vid, you must have been watching some other stuff, right?"

"Yes," I replied softy.

Travis's expression got a little naughty grin. "Like, what kind of stuff?"

"Travis!" I admonished him.

"Come on, Dad," he coaxed me, undaunted. "It's just porn. All guys watch it."

God, there was something so assured and open about my son's embrace of sexuality that had me opening up to him. "There are a couple of guys that I like," I said, naming two of the Only Fans models I'd seen Travis paired with: MusclePupXXX and MrCakes.

I could tell my son was glad I told him. A secret between us, and maybe a bond. "I know those guys," he smiled. "I can hook you up with one if you like."

"Jesus!" I swore. Then gaining my calm, I tried to respond with a quip, "In case you don't remember, I'm a married man."

He shrugged. "It's just sex. I mean, men are pigs right?"

I worried maybe my son was way too jaded and that doing porn hadn't helped him. A scary idea occured to me. "Trav... you're not hustling are you?" I'd been afraid to ask.

Travis sighed. "It's not like that, Dad," he said. I wish he'd come out and said "no." But I got some assurance out his reply. "I like doing porn and that's good enough for me. It helps me build my client base up, too."

"For real?" I asked. For some reason I hadn't thought there would be a benefit to doing those videos.

"Oh yeah," my son explained. "I get so much business from guys who want me as a trainer."

"What? Do you sleep with them?" Then I held my hands up. "You know what? That's none of my business."

"You really wanna know," Travis was challenging me. "I don't charge them for it, but yeah, if they're hot and there's chemistry, then I'll have sex with them. It's fun and I've met a lot of hot guys that way. They're happy, too." He paused and gauged my reaction. "You don't approve, do you?"

I sighed and shook my head. "It's me who's worried about you not approving," I said.

Travis seemed surprised. "For watching gay porn? Dad, that's like the most normal thing ever. Seriously."

Our conversation turned to more normal day-to-day stuff, but when I got back to my hotel, I was glad I'd cleared the air with Travis. I felt like he had a closer bond now.

***

My next trip was a few weeks later. I'd hoped to treat Travis to dinner, but I had a business engagement that kept me till late. I texted my son to see if he was up for meeting me for a drink somewhere. He said sure and I grabbed an Uber to meet him closer to his neighborhood.

He wasn't alone. As I walked into the place, I saw him sitting next to a guy. Shorter, compact muscle that showed through his tight T-shirt. Trimmed beard, cute as fuck. It was MusclePupXXX.

"Hey Dad, I brought my friend Mike along," he explained. I played it cool and shook the guy's hands. The dude's eyes were on me, lecherous but playful at the same time. I was annoyed at Travis but also feeling an ego boost that this stud friend of his would be into me.

The next fifteen minutes was excruciating though. Trying to have a conversation with my son and small talk with this stranger at the same time. Processing my conflicting emotions.

Finally, Mike excused himself to the restroom. Travis had a shit-eating grin.

"Trav, what the fuck?" I growled.

He seemed undaunted. "Come on, Dad. Mike thinks your hot. It's your fantasy on a silver plate. Bang a porn star. No strings, no worries."

"I can't," I complained.

"If you don't wanna, no skin off my back," he said. "Honest, Dad, I'm not trying to piss you off. Just thought you'd enjoy it."

Mike came back, interrupting our conversation. We'd finished the drink, when Travis said he had to go. "I have a 6AM client," he explained, getting up from the bar seat.

Mike looked over at me, trying to read what I was going to do.

"I think I may stay for another," I said, blushing the minute I said it.

Mike didn't miss a beat. "I will too. Later, bro?" he said to Travis, giving him a fist bump then getting up for a gay-dude hug and kiss.

The remainder of the evening went down pretty much as you'd expect. Heavy eye contact then me taking MusclePupXXX back to my hotel room, where I got a real porn star blow job before pulling him off and asking if I could fuck him.

This wasn't some DL Craigslist BJ. This was real, honest to god man-to-man sex, and it ws incredible. I pounded this muscle hunk in multiple positions and he was every bit the power bottom he was on screen. It occurred to me that he was getting the father of another guy who'd fucked him and that was a big part of the turn on for him. The idea got me off, too, and I nutted hard in his hole, collapsing onto his back as I caught my breath.

I thought I'd feel guilty after but that orgasm had put me in a good mood. We showered together, softly making out and exploring each other's soapy wet bodies.

"So, my son didn't pay you for that, did he?" I asked, not accusing in tone, more curious.

Mike grinned and reached down to cup my genitals. "Nah. You're hot, man. You're a good fuck too. You should hit me up next time you're in Chicago."

"So you live here," I said dumbly. For some reason I thought maybe Mike was just visiting from New York or LA.

"Best city on Earth," he nodded proudly. "And Midwestern guys are the hottest."

With that he turned around and backed his meaty ass against my now hard again dick. Yeah, round two sounded amazing.

***

The next time I visited, I fucked MusclePupXXX again. A quickie in the afternoon, before my work dinner. It felt naughty as hell.

He called me Daddy during sex, and I let a "son" or two slip out. That both worked us up big time, and it was clear my relation to Travis was in the back of our minds. It was still in the back of my mind when I met Travis later on for dinner. He didn't ask me about Mike and I wondered if he knew. But he had a knowing look about something.

Summer came, and the work travel slowed. I followed my son on OnlyFans as he went to Barcelona and Fire Island. He was bottoming more now, and he seemed to be with older men more. Daddy types. CornfedDaddy made a regular appearance when he was back in Chicago, and I half wondered if they were dating.

Travis was out of town the next time I went to Chicago for work, but MusclePup Mike was there. I had him over to my hotel after dinner and he stayed over the night. We went at it deep with the dad-son thing. I knew it was wrong, but I was SO turned on doing it. And it thrilled Mike, too. The more I was "Dad" for him the more eagerly he bounced on my cock.

"You're incredible," I said to him the next morning as I brought him a coffee from the hotel lobby. I'd gotten showered and dressed for my morning meeting.

Mike had buzzed-short hair and looked adorable first thing in the morning. "You're not getting feeling for me are you, Mr. Connors?" He'd taken to calling me by my last name. I let him.

I shook my head. "No. Just living out a midlife crisis, I suppose."

That made him break out in a goofy grin. Mike was short, 5'7" or so, and his compact build looked all bulked up with his brawn. "Well, lucky for you that midlife crises are my speciality," he grinned, leaning forward and unzipping my suit trousers.

I set down my coffee and felt the silky soft mouth go down on me. For all our time together, Mike had never sucked me to completion. He was going to now. I gently ran my fingers through his hair as he worked me more eagerly and got me to the finish line. I came hard down his throat and was grateful that that made bottoms as hot as MusclePup Mike.

"That gonna last you today, Daddy?" he asked with a lewd smile.

"It should," I replied, meeting him for a soft kiss and tasting my own cum on his lips.

***

Travis bought his condo. Lakeview, modern, amazing 1 bed room. He was proud and happy and clearly eager to show it off to me. The furnishing was still sparse and Travis talked a mile a minute about his plans for decorating the place and making it feel like home.

He walked me over to the window and described how his view was protected because of the park across the street. I patted his shoulder.

"It's an amazing place, son," I said. "You did well."

Travis kind of leaned into me some, and I saw a look in his eye. Gone was the confident assured porn star. There was my son, questioning me. I knew then that Mike had told him stuff. And I knew what was on Travis's mind.

"You know," I said. "I lied to you before. I've watched your videos. All of them."

That made my son smile. There was the confident sex machine coming to life. "Yeah, what did you think?" his voice had almost a gravely sound and I knew he was turned on.

"They were the hottest goddamn thing I've ever seen in my life," I hissed.

Our lips met. Soft at first, then hard charging. We'd built up too much lust to take it easy. Travis's hands were unbuttoning my dress shirt and I was tugging at the hem of hit T.

"Fuck... we gonna do this, Dad?" he growled with lust.

"If we don't I'll have the worst blue balls in the world," I replied.

This was so wrong, and that forbidden nature fueled our excitement. We stepped back and stripped for each other. Then Travis took my hand and led me to his bedroom.

"You're gonna be the first guy to fuck me here," he said naughtily. Our naked bodies clung to one another on the bed, father cock against son cock, as we made out. Travis scooted from my grip and fumbled for some lube. I equally fumbled prepping myself and getting in place. The fuck was rushed, too rushed. I came within a minute of entry and my son didn't seem to do better.

But we lay on the bed side by side, holding hands and grinning at each other. Cocks still hard. My first load inside my son, his streaming and liquefying on his chest.

"I can't believe I just fucked JakeTheJock," I joked, and Travis laughed.

"Would you ever consider doing that on camera?" he asked.

That shocked me, but Travis added, "You could wear a mask, no one would know it was you, Dad. Think about it. It would be hot as fuck."

I would think about it. That was the crazy thing. My son had a way of upending my world.

But for now, I didn't want any cameras or onlookers. I just wanted it to be me and Trav. He smiled at me and squeezed my hand. Then he climbed on top of my naked body and kissed me deeply as he bucked his slick ass against my boner. My hands possessively felt up his gym-perfected body and decided I was going to get in real shape myself.

For now, Travis seemed into me, into my dad bod, into fucking around with his actual father. I felt him shift angle and my rigid shaft entered a now more pliable, open hole as my son sank down on me.

I had an hour before I had to go get ready for my meeting, and I was going to make the most of it.

#drakestories

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