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catmiemy · 16 hours

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Another Chance to Live Part 1 (Ana Maria Crnogorčević x Reader)

Summary: Ana and you are both struggling with unwanted transfers, but maybe you can at least find happiness off the pitch.

A/N: This is the first part of a story I've been working on for a while. I guess my way of processing my emotions about Ana's transfer. I've been in the denial stage for a long time 😅

The next two chapters are already written (just need to edit them) and so far it's a total of about 13k words. I'm now at a crossroad which will decide how long the story becomes. So I thought I'd publish the first part and see how much interest there is in a story like this to help me decide.

It felt like a cruel joke of the universe that now, now when you had been forced to leave, the woman you’ve had a crush on for years, joined your team, or well your former team. Words that made your heart crack a little more every time you thought them. Never in a billion years had you expected your team to become your former team.

Ever since you had first laid eyes on Ana you had been dazzled by her, not necessarily only by her looks, although you definitely enjoyed them, but also by her personality and her aura. She always radiated so much kindness and positive energy. It was impossible not to be drawn to her.

Sadly your paths didn’t cross all too often and when they did, Ana was always somewhere in the heart of whatever group you were part of, while you were lingering on the edges, looking in. So the Swiss woman was probably only vaguely aware of your existence, while you soaked up every detail you could find about Ana. The more you learnt, the more you liked her.

And yes, sometimes when you lay in bed at night you made up little scenarios how the two of you would meet. One of your favorite ones was Ana coming to Atleti, not really knowing her way around Madrid yet, so you take her under your wing and show her everything. And of course she starts falling for you as you spend so much time together. It was your imagination after all, so you could day dream all you wanted.

Now part of this little fantasy was actually coming true, Ana really was joining Atlético, and it frustrated you to no end that now that she came, you were gone. Although perhaps it wasn’t the universe being cruel towards you, maybe it was protecting you because even if you played for the same team there was no way the Swiss woman would ever go for someone like you.

Still, you spent a good amount of time fuming about it in your apartment. Possibly also because it was easier to focus on that rather than on the fact that your childhood club had just dropped you like you meant nothing. Every time you remembered the conversation with the club’s managers you felt like throwing up, hiding under the covers for the rest of your life, and ripping off your ears so you didn’t have to listen to one more word from them. So yeah, it was comforting in a weird way to think about your missed chance with Ana, especially since it never had been much of a chance anyway.

It was harder to hold on to that strange comfort when training actually started and you had to go to Real Madrid’s training center every day. Most days were spent attempting to do your best and keep your negative emotions in check, while thinking nonstop about how much you hated this, how much you wanted to return to Atelti, how much you wanted to leave Madrid altogether.

So all in all you weren’t having the best time, barely getting by was actually a more accurate way to describe it. Then a few weeks after the season started you got a call from Lola.

“Sooo I heard you’re doing a lot of moping these days,” she teased you.

However there was an underlying note of worry in her voice. You had done your best to pretend as if Atleti’s decision hadn’t hurt you, that these things happen in football, and you were completely fine with it, but Lola had seen right through it.

“I’m not moping, I’m just quiet and focused like usual,” you quickly defended yourself. It was only partially true, you hated every single second you spent at the training center of Real Madrid.

“That’s not what I’ve heard, but how about you convince me over a cup of coffee. Maybe tomorrow afternoon?”

You didn’t even question how Lola knew that you had the day off tomorrow, apparently she had some spies at Real. As much as you didn’t want to continue talking about the misery that was your new club, you did want to see your friend, so you agreed.

“I might ask some other people if they want to tag along. Everyone misses you,” Lola continued, making you happy and sad at the same time. It was nice to be missed, but you wished you weren’t in a position where you could be missed.

Before you could hang up, Lola told you to bring “your moping buddy Misa”, then she ended the call with a cackle, not giving you any chance to retaliate. In all honesty there was some truth to it, both you and Misa were unhappy at Real, so it wasn’t surprising that she was the only person you had really bonded with so far.

Going by Lola’s words you expected a big group the next day when you entered the café you had agreed upon. What you found however were merely three people, Lola, Misa and no one other than Ana.

Suddenly your stomach was filled with butterflies flapping their wings wildly, making you somewhat nauseous as a result. You hadn’t expected this and you weren’t prepared for it at all. If it wouldn’t have been incredibly rude you would have walked right back out of the café.

Instead you walked over to the small group, doing your best impression of a friendly smile. You could have sworn you saw a knowing glint in both Misa’s and Lola’s eyes. There was no way they knew about your crush though, right?

Lola jumped up when she saw you, hugging you tightly. “It’s good to see you, chica, I’ve missed you,” she told you.

You had to blink a couple of times to chase away the tears burning in your eyes. There was no denying that you had missed her too, all of your former teammates really. You longed to be back at Atlético, and not only because Ana was there.

Right, Ana.

You extracted yourself from your friend and smiled at the blonde. Should you hug her as well? Or greet her with kisses on the cheeks? That’s exactly why you should have been informed that Ana would be there, so that you could think this over beforehand. Or, well, over think it.

Unlike you Ana knew exactly what to do; she got up, greeted you kindly and gave you a quick hug. “It’s nice to see you again, Y/N. We’ve never had much of a chance to talk, so I’m glad we get one now.”

For a few seconds too long you started at her. You were torn between awe, and a little bit of envy, at how easily the Swiss woman had navigated this greeting, and shock. She remembered you? She was happy to see you? Once your heart slowed down from a wild canter to a moderate gallop and your brain was working more clearly again, you realized that this was probably just something Ana had said to make the situation less awkward, not something she truly meant.

“So, do you want to sit down?” Lola suggested with a smirk on her face. Thankfully she left it at that though and you quickly sank down into a chair. You felt too embarrassed to look at Ana, so you completely missed the reassuring smile she sent your way.

After that things went much more smoothly, mostly because Lola and Ana carried the conversation, allowing you and Misa to remain in your preferred role, attentive listener. Your former teammate as well as your crush tried valiantly to draw you out of your shell, but out of fear of saying something stupid, you kept your answers as short as possible without being weird or unfriendly. If only you could think of something witty to say!

On the bright side your relative quietness gave you a good opportunity to study Ana. She was stunning as always, but you could easily spot the signs of the toll this move to the Atlético had taken on her; her smile wasn’t quite as wide as usual and didn’t reach her eyes, her voice was a little duller, there were badly covered up dark bags underneath her eyes and she was a bit more subdued than normal in general. Man, you really had spent way too long looking at any video of her you could find to notice things like that!

Then all of the sudden Misa let out a gasp. “I completely forgot I promised my neighbor I’d let in her daughter today. I need to leave right now to make it.”

You frowned at your teammate; it wasn’t like her to forget something as important as that. Was something more than her unhappiness with being stuck at Real bothering her? You made a mental note to ask Misa about it the next day, remind her that you were always there if she needed someone.

Misa’s departure didn’t really change anything in the dynamic, she hadn’t contributed much just like you. But then Lola got a phone call from her girlfriend who apparently needed your former teammate urgently. She looked at the two of you apologetically, however you could swear that there was some glee shimmering behind her regretful front.

“You girls should stay here and enjoy the rest of the afternoon. Really I’m so sorry about this, don’t let it ruin your day,” Lola babbled, pressing a kiss to both your and Ana’s cheek before dashing out of the café.

You looked after her with confusion. The confusion however was short-lived, quickly drowned out by panic once you realized that you were now left alone with Ana. No more hiding behind other people, no more safety net. You weren’t ready. However leaving also wasn’t an option, there was no way you could do so without offending Ana, so you had to pull yourself together.

“I’m sorry about that,” Ana apologized, bringing your confusion back. As far as you were aware the Swiss woman had absolutely nothing to apologize for.

“They probably planned this because they think I need to be more social again. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jenni put them up to it, she’s been pretty worried,” the Swiss woman specified, leaving you reeling because you didn’t know how to deal with that much honesty.

“Oh,” you replied, praying that some more words would enter your brain. “Maybe they also did it for me. They think I’m pretty antisocial in general,” you finished, kicking yourself for making yourself look even more pathetic than you already did.

To your surprise Ana didn’t seem put off; on the contrary she chuckled and said, “Well we can be antisocial together then.”

The Swiss woman using the word ‘together’ in reference to the both of you made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, you could definitely get used to that.

In an attempt to take control of the situation and not end up blurting out something stupid if Ana asked you a question, you inquired how she was liking Madrid so far. It seemed like a normal thing to ask someone that had just moved to a new place.

However the Swiss woman didn’t answer right away, which was atypical for her who always seemed to have a reply ready. That combined with the guarded look in her eyes made you realize that this wasn’t a safe and easy topic for her. In your rush to make sure nothing that would be complicated for you came up, you had totally forgotten that Ana’s own move to Madrid had been anything but a happy occurence. Way to be selfish!

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Forget I said anything, that was such a stupid thing to say,” you apologized frantically

“No, don’t worry, it’s fine,” Ana quickly reassured you. “I just don’t really know what to say. Obviously I didn’t want to come here, I miss Barcelona. Both the city and the team. So I’m not having the best time to be completely honest. Then again I also haven’t given Madrid much of a chance yet. So…”

The Swiss woman’s openness left you stunned once again. This could never be you, sharing your thoughts and feelings so freely. At the same time you noticed with a surge of excitement and dread that Ana’s explanation gave you a good opening, not unlike your daydreams in fact.

Your fear of being annoying and overstepping was battling hard against your longing to get to spend more time with the blonde in the future. In the end you decided to go for it, maybe Ana would appreciate it and if she didn’t want to hang out again, she could just say so. Of course there was still the fear of rejection holding you back, but you shoved that to the back of your mind. If you didn’t ask the answer would always be no, right?

“If you want to I could show you around Madrid sometime. I’ve lived here all my life so I know the place like the back of my hand and know some nice places. Totally fine if you don’t of course, I’m sure there are many other people that could show you around.”

You spoke in record speed, making it hard for Ana to follow, which was why it took her a moment to answer. These few seconds were some of the most horrible ones in your life. If she said no now all your hopes would be shattered once and for all. Everyone always said it was important to know so you could move on, but honestly if the Swiss woman didn’t want to spend any time with you, you didn’t want to know.

“That sounds great, I’d love to,” Ana replied once she had enough time to process your jumble of words.

“Really?” You double checked, the words out of your mouth before you could stop yourself.

“Yeah, definitely,” the Swiss woman confirmed with a gentle smile. A smile that you returned happily. You hadn’t felt this excited in a while, it was a nice change from the bleakness that had become your constant companion.

The rest of your time together was spent chatting easily. You weren’t a great conversationalist, however with Ana it came much more natural. The blonde definitely did the heavy lifting, but you were happy with your own contributions. You even made her laugh a few times!

Later that day when you were back in your apartment you were much more critical, taking apart every single thing that you had said and coming to the conclusion that you must be the stupidest person on the planet. Thankfully you were going to get another chance in a few days and this time you would be better prepared. You would say interesting things and you would make sure Ana had a great time. The blonde deserved some joy and happiness and you would do your best to give her that.

Before your next meeting with Ana you actually made a plan; you would make a list of her interests and think of possible questions, some jokes and interesting facts you could mention. You spent one evening on it, working furiously and then you realized what you were doing, feeling very foolish all of the sudden. You scrunched up the piece of paper and threw it into the trash with some force.

This was pointless and unnecessary and totally embarrassing! Maybe you weren’t the best at coming up with things to say on the spot, but rehearsing everything like this was a role in a play was stupid. The urge to do absolutely everything to get Ana to like you was huge, however is she only liked this carefully crafted version of you that wasn’t any better than her not liking you at all.

Also, you shouldn’t even attempt to get the Swiss woman to like you. Just like you should keep your own crush in check. Ana’s life was complicated enough at the moment, you didn’t need to add your infatuation into the mix.

Unfortunately your noble plan to ignore your crush failed miserably. Whenever you spent time with Ana you fell a little more for her. It was simply impossible not to when she was the kindest, funniest, most interesting and on top of that most beautiful person in the world.

Like when you were out and about on one of your strolls to the city and a young couple approached you, asking if you could take a picture of them. As was typical for you, you hesitated for a moment; not necessarily because you didn’t want to, but because your mind was already working in overdrive, supplying you with every possible negative outcome.

Ana on the other hand smiled at them. “Of course! Where do you want to take it?”

And then she proceeded to take several pictures of the two, showing them to the couple, and when they weren’t completely satisfied yet, she even offered her own suggestions on how they might turn out even better.

All the way you were just watching them, well mostly Ana, with a goofy smile. You loved how much she cared, how much effort she put into random people she didn’t even know. No wait, you didn’t love that, you liked that, admired it.

Or when Ana convinced you to go into a tiny café. A place you would have never frequented on your own because the intimacy of it freaked you out. Not the blonde though. Within seconds she began chatting with the owner, a middle-aged woman who was thrilled someone showed so much interest in her small establishment.

The cake you got was very tasty as was the coffee and the homemade ice tea. You were quick to admit that Ana had made a good decision by forcing you to go there.

However what really pulled at your heartstring was that the Swiss woman went up to the owner afterwards and asked if it was okay to post about this place on Instagram. The poor woman almost started crying out of happiness and thanked Ana profusely, while the blonde kept insisting that this was nothing and really it should be her thanking the owner.

So it was safe to say that you fell deeper and harder every time you saw Ana. But it was okay, you had a foolproof way to make sure that the blonde didn’t figure it out and therefore her life didn’t get disrupted because of you. Whenever you echoed a statement Ana had made about how much she liked hanging out with you or that she thought you were a great person, you always added ‘friend’ into the mix; “I enjoy hanging out with you too, you’re such a great friend.” and “Aw thank you. You’re one of the best people and friends I know too!”

Sometimes when you were feeling particularly hopeful you wondered if the lack of specification on Ana’s part meant that she liked you as more than a friend. You always discarded the idea quickly though. It was much more likely that the thought of being more than friends was so ludicrous to the blonde, something that had probbly never even grazed her mind, that she didn’t feel the need to explicitly state it.

Despite having to resign yourself to the fact that Ana didn’t like you like that, it still made you happy that she was usually in a good mood when you were hanging out. Something you were secretly very proud of. Still every once in a while her sadness shined through, for example when she heard someone speak Catalan or when she saw something that reminded her of Barcelona.

One time a group of fans came up to her. They were friendly and excited and the Swiss woman matched their energy effortlessly. But then one of them mentioned how sad they were that Ana wasn’t playing for Barça anymore. You were forced to watch the blonde deflate slightly after that thoughtless statement. She was good at pretending though, so the fans were none the wiser.

When they were gone you gathered all of your courage. Up until now you had stayed in the shallows of easy conversation so this was a first and once again you worried about overstepping. But when you saw Ana’s sad eyes and the forcefully pulled up corners of her mouth, you couldn’t stay silent.

“Do you want to talk about it? I mean your transfer from Barça? I know we haven’t really talked about that or othe serious things yet, but I’m always happy to listen. I’m actually pretty good at that.”

The Swiss woman sighed, rubbing a hand over her face.

“That’s very sweet but honestly I’ve been talking so much about it lately. Sometimes it feels like it’s the only thing anyone wants to talk about anymore. So if it’s okay with you could we just continue like before? The distraction has been helping a lot.”

You had been helping! Happiness flowed through you and your smile was maybe a bit bigger than was warranted for a situation like this. However unless Ana was studying you as intently as you always studied her, you doubted that the blonde would notice.

“Yeah, of course. I’m happy to help in anyway.”

Ana and you kept seeing each other regularly and it was the undisputed highlight of your current life. Honestly it was a little worrying how few other things brought you any joy, but you didn’t allow yourself to dwell on that.

So when you were put into a situation where you had to cancel on Ana you were devastated. It wasn’t an appropriate reaction to something so small, but you had a ten minute crying session until you could even begin to function properly again. Calling the Swiss woman was out of the question though, you were still chocked up and sniffling.

Instead you texted her, apologizing multiple times and explaining that you were roped into doing all sorts of things last minute for your father’s birthday tomorrow. You could have slapped yourself for not seeing this coming. Sure, your parents had assured you time and time again that everything was taken care of, but you should have known better. Then you could have done it before today and weren’t forced to cancel on Ana.

Only minutes after you had sent the text your phone started ringing with a call from the Swiss woman. With wide, panicked eyes you stared at the screen. In the end your desire to at least hear Ana’s voice if you couldn’t see her won out. Hopefully she wouldn’t notice anything.

„Hey I just saw your text and wanted to ask if I can help out with anything.”

You smiled at your phone, your heart warmed by Ana’s kindness. There was no doubt in your mind that she would actually follow through on your offer. Not that you would ever take it.

“Aw thank you so much, Ana! But it’s okay really. Most things I have to do at my parents place anyway. You know help them clean and decorate. So I’ll be out most of the day, and then in the evening I’ll have to bake the cake. Who knows how that’s going to go.”

You chuckled, even if you were feeling slightly panicked at the idea of baking. Normally your mother was in charge of that, but she had broken her arm a few weeks ago, so that was out of the question. Moments like this made you wish that you had some siblings or some cousins for that matter, just anyone to help you out.

“Not to brag, but I’m actually a great baker. So if you want some help, I’m happy to come over in the evening and help,” the blonde offered.

It would be nice to have some help, and you always wanted to see Ana. Plus she had brought up the idea of her own accord, so surely it was okay, right?

“That would be great actually. Thank you so much,” you replied, not giving your mind any more opportunity to drive yourself crazy.

Ana and you quickly planned everything out before you hung up and left to do everything else. With the prospect of seeing the Swiss woman later today you were a lot more cheerful than before.

“What’s got you so happy?” Your mother asked you while she supervised the decorating process.

It was incredibly frustrating since she kept criticizing everything you did. Every few minutes you had to step away for a moment, take some deep breaths and visualize how your evening with Ana would be, full of laughter and fun conversation.

“Not this, that’s for sure,” you muttered, low enough so that your mothers whose hearing wasn’t the best anymore, couldn’t here you.

“What?”

“Nothing,” you said louder, “I’m just in a good mood, I guess.”

There was no point in bringing up Ana. Nothing would ever happen between the two of you and even after knowing about it for almost ten years your parents still struggled with your sexuality. To avoid unnecessary conflict and awkwardness you never spoke about women you liked unless it was something serious. So never.

“You should focus on decorating and not smile so much. Maybe then we would get somewhere.”

You rolled your eyes, but kept your mouth shut. No point in pointing out that most parents would be happy if their child was happy. And it wasn’t like your mother wasn’t happy about it, she just wasn’t good at being pleasant around you. Somehow she always felt the need to criticize you.

Hours later you got into your car, quickly drove away and as soon as you were a decent distance from your parents’ house you let out a loud scream, releasing all of the built up frustration. Then you set your focus on the near future, on the fact that you would be meeting Ana in half an hour at your apartment. Baking wasn’t really your thing, but baking with the Swiss sounded like a lot of fun. Anything was fun with her really; just being around her made you so happy.

When you got to your apartment Ana was already waiting for you, leaning against her car. A big smile appeared on the blonde’s face when she saw you and she waved at you happily. It warmed your insides, swept away any remnant of frustration from the long day with your parents, seeing how excited Ana was to see you.

You got set up quickly, putting out all the ingredients and opening up the recipe you had settled on. Then you turned to the Swiss woman expectantly.

“So any baking pro tips from you before we start?” You asked teasingly.

Ana looked at you sheepishly.

“To be completely honest I don’t really know that much about baking. I usually only bake once a year to make some Christmas cookie,” the blonde admitted, scratching her nose.

You frowned at her in confusion. This didn’t really make any sense to you, but you didn’t want to make Ana feel bad about it.

“So why did you say you did?” You asked carefully. „I mean only if you want to tell me, it’s totally fine if you don’t. I’m sure you had your reasons.”

The Swiss woman blushed a little as she explained herself, “I really just wanted to spend some time with you today.”

Your heart started racing at this confession, your hopes going through the roof. It didn’t take long for the logical part of your brain to bring you back to earth though. Surely this didn’t mean what you wanted it to mean. Most likely Ana was just struggling today and didn’t want to be alone.

“Oh I’m sorry you’re having a hard time today. You know you can always tell me that and if it’s possible at all I’ll always make time for you. You don’t have to make up reasons to hang out.”

Ana stared at you with a pained expression. It hurt your heart to see her in pain and it made you wonder if something had happened today, perhaps something that reminded her of Barcelona?

“Do you want to talk about it?” You asked when the blonde stayed quiet, but then you thought better of it. “Wait no I’m sorry, you already said that you’re tired of talking about it before and that you prefer a distraction. So let’s bake!”

You put some extra excitement into your voice and made sure to keep up a stream of easy chatter as you got to work. For a while Ana remained a bit distant and quiet, but before too long her smile returned and she began talking and joking.

When the blonde laughed loudly at a joke you had made you felt very proud of yourself for giving Ana what she needed, a distraction. If you continued to be helpful she would keep wanting to hang out with you and that was also very much in your interest. Even if the knowledge that it meant something else to you hurt somewhat every time you thought of it.

However it was all worth it to get to spend time with Ana. Everything was worth that.

#woso x reader #woso imagine #woso fanfics #ana maria crnogorcevic imagine #ana maria crnogorcevic x reader

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 3 days

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AITA for telling the upstairs neighbor to be a little quieter at night?

I (26nb) live in an apartment complex. I am on the first floor. This apartment has a noise curfew of 10pm. I have a kid (5) who sleeps at 8pm. We have neighbors around us who also have kids around the same age who go to bed roughly around the same time (we've talked from time to time) including a new neighbor with a young autistic kid. My kid is also autistic. I am also autistic and schizophrenic. The neighbor directly next to us has a dog who tends to bark and howl whenever he hears loud noises. These are important to remember.

This girl moved in some handful of weeks ago right above me. Some days during the day I hear her stomping around REALLY loudly like crazy, and at first I thought that's fine because its just during the day no big deal. But then she started doing it late at night. First night I thought maybe she was still unboxing and stuff, nbd. But this kept going on for weeks from 8pm until nearly 2am every single day. And around 10pm-1am she would play loud music with heavy bass. This would keep me awake at night and prevent me from sleeping, and would cause me to have sensory overload very easily. My kiddo said it scared her to hear the banging and stomping and music upstairs late at night. One night at about 9:30pm, she started banging something FIERCE up there to the point where I actually started having an episode. I thought we were being broken into and I fell into a delusion that was remedied by my partner coming home and helping to ground me. That was my breaking point, and I ended up leaving a note saying, "hi! I wanted to ask if you could please keep the noise a little lower at night, we have young kiddos that live here too. Thank you!" I didn't leave anything to indicate who we were.

The next day she brought back the note to MY door saying "I'll try to be quieter. I didn't think I was that loud. I come home late. It was a Friday night and I was banging chicken at 8pm so I didn't think it was an issue. I just moved in and I'm trying to live my life. Sorry" and left two stuffed animals. Weeks passed and she is still, up to today, being loud late into the night and early morning. My partner can also hear it loud and clear and has complained to me about how disruptive she is. Some other neighbors have come forth saying she's so loud THEY can hear her when they come in through the main door. She's so loud that she's been causing the dog next door to bark like crazy, which is disturbing that poor neighbor as well. We are all kind of fed up with this girl.

Recently, there was a bunch of people who got their packages stolen... Her included. She left a note in the main lobby saying to bring her packages back. Today, we could hear her loudly talking on the phone outside while we were also outside, and she was talking to someone about available renting places outside of our city. We think she might be trying to move out already even though she just got here.

I think I might be the asshole because, between my note and her packages getting stolen, she probably felt unwelcomed here. I don't want people to feel unwelcomed, but I also want to be able to exist in my own home safely and comfortably. Maybe I should have left her alone and just dealt with the noise. My family thinks I was being rude to say anything at all, and my mom said I lost a potential friend by doing that. AITA?

#aita #am i the asshole

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thelesbododo · 1 day

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This is a headcanon circulating around a sensitive topic and one that you may not agree with so if you don't want to read it please scroll.

This headcanon revolves around the character Osamu Dazai and the concept of sexual assault

I believe that Dazai was sexually assaulted as a child

This has nothing to do with Mori and takes place long before they even meet

While it is true we know little to nothing of BSD Dazai's past, it is also true that it is highly likely the Irl author and his No Longer Human counterpart was SA'd

There are two specific pieces of writing are evidence of this

"My true nature, however, was one diametrically opposed to the role of the mischievous imp. Already by that time I had been taught a lamentable thing by the maids and manservants; I was being corrupted. I now think that to perpetrate such a thing on a small child is the ugliest, vilest, cruelest crime a human being can commit. But I endured it. I even felt as if it enabled me to see one more particular aspect of human beings. I smiled in my weakness. If I had formed the habit of telling the truth I might perhaps have been able to confide unabashedly to my father or mother about the crime, but I could not fully understand even my own parents. To appeal for help to any human being - I could expect nothing from that expedient. Supposing I complained to my father or my mother, or to the police, the government - I wondered if in the end I would not be argued into silence by someone in good graces with the world, by the excuses of which the world approved.It is only too obvious that favoritism inevitably exists: it would have been useless to complain to human beings. So I said nothing of the truth. I felt I had no choice but to endure whatever came my way and go on playing the clown"

- No Longer Human

"I ceased being a child soon after entering grade school. It was then that my younger brother’s nurse taught me something that took my breath away. It was a beautiful summer day, and the grass by the vacant house out back had grown tall and dense. I must have been about seven, and my brother’s nurse could not have been more than thirteen or fourteen. My brother was three years younger than I, and the nurse shooed him off. She said, ‘Go get some leaf grass’ - that’s our word for clover back home. Then she added, ‘And make sure it’s got four leaves too.’ After he left, she put her arms around me and we started rolling around in the tall grass. Thereafter we would play our secret little game in the storehouse or in one of the closets."

- Memories

Both No Longer Human and Memories are semi-autobiographies, meaning they're somewhat based in truth

I can't speak from experience but SA has a big effect on the lives of the survivors

Some of thes effects include;

Sleeping or Eating disorders

Dazai canoniclly has issues sleeping and there are scenes that imply he has issues with and/or doesn't see the point in eating, at one point saying that it is "so much trouble"

Nightmares

There is a specific scene within one kf the light novels where Kunikida asks if Dazai has nightmares.

(Unfortunately I can't find the exact moment so I can't quote it so if anyone can find it please let me know)

Self-hatred

It might not be clearly stated that he hates himself but ay the same time its rather clear that he does

Suicidal thoughts or self-harm

He is a suicidal maniac

Riskier sexual behaviors such as having many partners

He canoniclly has had quite a lot of lovers

Substance abuse

The one scene we see of his apartment we see that there is more alcohol than furniture (it's also a popular hc that Dazai smokes which makes sense considering his past with the pm and that irl author smoked)

Another moment to mention was when he seduced the nurse (which technically counted as SA too but that's not the point of this)

I'm probably gonna end it here because it's late and I'm tired but anyone willing to add or correct anything please go ahead and I hoped you enjoyed my hc

#bsd #bungo stray dogs #bsd dazai #bungou stray dogs #dazai osamu #dazai #soukoku #dazai x chuuya #dazai headcanons #dazai hcs #dazai bsd #bungou stray dogs dazai #dazaibsd #osamu dazai #bsd headcanons #Bsd hcs #bsd thoughts #bsd analysis #bsd theory

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greenerteacups · 2 days

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GT YOU SLY DOG YOU!!! Are you trying to kill us with the latest chapter because if you are, you’ve succeeded. I’ve ascended into a different plane of existence where I can just read the second half of the chapter over and over and over and bathe in the euphoria that is THIS PART SPECIFICALLY

““That's not fair,” he said, roughly, after a moment.

The corner of her mouth twitched. “No,” she said, and for a second, her grin was very much like his. “Sorry. I — I'm reliably informed that it isn't.””

It’s always fun watching a teenage girl, who’s typically straight and to the point, and is one who, and I quote, “rarely needed anyone at all,” to throw her feelings out and say “fuck it, you’re akin to water in my existence” and I just LOOOOOOVE how you played it all out in the recent update. Ms. Hermione “my-kink-is-competency” Granger finally did A Thing, perhaps threw a metaphorical bone at our dear loving lovesick boy, and it was the juiciest, meatiest, marrow-filled bone and we are all living for it.

Thank you for such a treat, and for said metaphorical bone that you, too, threw for us. This chapter is def already one of my faves. Thank you. 🫶🏻

Hello, my dear. This made me grin very much. Hermione Granger has had a really rough few weeks, and so have I, and this was a good day for both of us.

She did take a bit of prodding, but she got there eventually — it's hard to get over a natural awkwardness and resistance to vulnerability, though it helps when your best friend is withering in lovesick anguish every time you enter the room.

#greenteacup asks #lionheart spoilers #<333

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allthingsbucktommy · 2 days

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While I won’t speak for the rest of the season as im very interested in how the current arcs will play out and personally I think Buck and Tommy have had their limelight and I enjoy seeing them settling warmly into their relationship. They don’t need any more drama they deserve just to exist and happily at that (as much as possible concerning said arcs),but I will share what I hope for next season.

And really more or less what I want is just more Tommy. We know Buck. We know his friends, family, his past, all the things that make him the Buck we all know and love. And while we absolutely know things about Tommy we only kinda know him from others perspectives and only one of those perspectives are from someone close (Buck) but still new. I hope we get to meet other ppl in Tommy’s life. Maybe any family (if there is any), a best friend (sue me but I would like to see Sal again and see if he remained close with Tommy), his coworkers at the 127 (I miss Lucy okay), I just rly want to know more about Tommy from people that have been around him for a long time and were able to see his growth into the person he is now.

I completely agree with you, Buck and Tommy have already had the focus on them and how their relationship has started. Not saying it wouldn't be interesting to see how everything evolves between them, but we have to keep in mind that this season is shorter, and there are so many characters that it's impossible to see everything that goes on in their lives. Also, we know they want to show a more rom-com focused relationship, so I don't think there will be much drama about them at the moment. If the relationship goes forward, which I think it will, there are bound to be ups and downs in their relationship, but at the moment it's pretty clear that the drama is focused on Eddie, Bobby, and a bit on Karen and Hen, mostly.

What we know about Tommy is precisely through the experiences of other characters, that's true, and most of the things we know are about Tommy before he came out. I mean, yes, we know some things about his new self, but not how he got there, his relationship with his family and co-workers, his previous relationships, etc. I sincerely hope that if Tommy is a part of season 8, we'll have an episode focused on him. I don't want to say it necessarily has to be a Tommy Begins, but an episode more focused on him and his work, and his relationship with Buck.

We can only wait, and cross our fingers!

#bucktommy #tommy kinard #evan buckley #tevan #kinley #911 abc #oliver stark #lou ferrigno jr #asks

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smytherines · 2 days

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I think about Owen and the Chimera surveillance network a lot, because to me it isn't a question of having a surveillance network or not. It is happening. The question is: who will control it?

The surveillance network is an arms race between Chimera, the U.S. government, and I would imagine also the Russians and the British as well. One of these entities *will* succeed, Chimera is just the furthest along. Its like the race for the atomic bomb- each superpower pursued its own nuclear weapons program simultaneously, the US (collaborating with the British) just crossed the finish line first.

Here's my argument.

The first crucial piece of the puzzle is Barb Larvernor. The first time we hear about the concept of computers making spies obsolete, it isn't from DMA/Owen. It's from Barb. In A1P5, Barb says:

"Well picture this- the world's first, large-scale, information collective and archival system... Its just an idea I've been toying around with. If it worked, we'd be able to take down syndicates by doing the detective work from the safety of our desks. It would take the guesswork out of your job, hopefully saving some lives in the process- including your own. Can you imagine if this technology existed?"

There's also this conversation between Barb and Tatiana from the interludes during One Step Ahead.

Tatiana: I need you to search for an island, the size of a compound, that can store hundreds of computing systems

Barb: Easy, I have actually already been researching locations that fit that exact criteria... see, I have been thinking of a technology that can revolutionize- found one!"

From these two exchanges, we know that at the very least Barb is working on this "information collective and archival system" for the US government to use, although she seems to still be in the research and development phase.

Now, let's move on to what we know about Chimera's system, and what Owen wants from it.

First, we have this dialogue from A1P8, of DMA outright telling Curt his plan:

*recording of Cynthia plays*

Curt: where did that come from?

BVN: a little birdie told me

DMA: that little birdie being an advanced network of information surveillance that we've been-

Curt: boring!

Then, from A2P5, we have Owen explaining the system and why he wants to control it:

Tatiana: bird? Little birdies? His scientists developing... you're after the technology

Owen: Pop goes the weasel! An advanced Nazi information surveillance network to collect and archive state secrets.

They discuss why Owen wants the land (silicon babyyy), and then:

Owen: Don't you get it? Those stores of silicon from beneath the Earth's crust will allow us to mass produce Von Nazi's technology and deploy his system on a global scale! I'd have all the world's secrets. I'd be God. Now what a world that would be, eh?

The conversation continues:

Curt: my government will never allow this

Tatiana: not even the Soviets will

Owen: not at first, no. Everybody likes to do the watching, but nobody likes to be watched

Tatiana: you can't just invade the privacy of civilians without reason or suspicion

Owen: well, I like to think we are just turning everyone into a spy, they just aren't aware of it

Moving on to A2P6, the staircase scene:

Owen: YOU STILL DON'T SEE, DO YOU, CURT? There won't be any agency to go back to, once the system is global. I'm going to single-handedly dismantle everything you've ever believed in

Then

Owen: the future is happening, Curt. And it's not going to wait for you. What use will one man be, when a box in a room can do his job in seconds, huh?

Curt: sounds boring

Owen: you're a caveman, and I've invented fire

To me, this absolutely reads as Owen being aware that somebody- be it Chimera, or the US, or the Russians- will have this surveillance network. The future is inevitable. The future is surveillance (he was soooo right), the future is computers. Curt just can't see it yet, because he doesn't know technology the way that Owen and Barb do.

Going back to "I'd have all the world's secrets. I'd be God." Makes me believe that Owen is doing this so that *he* will control the flow of information. That he will be able to protect himself against what is coming. That he will never have to be vulnerable to his secret again.

Because here's the thing: we don't know if Chimera is going to use this information to punish or harm queer people. Given that Owen believes he will be in charge of the surveillance system, I'd say at the very least he does not believe it will be.

His goal seems to be "a world without agencies, a world without spies, a world without secrets." It seems to be the destruction of spying as an institution, and undercutting the nations which make use of spies to influence global events. At no point does he say that he will expose queer people if he is in charge of the surveillance network.

But, the US government absolutely will.

The US government is already hunting down queer people, even without a fancy surveillance network. Having control over Chimera's network would only make that task easier for them. Curt's secret, the secret of any queer person in this time period, is almost certainly safer in the hands of a gay man than it would be in the hands of a bloodthirsty global superpower that is already hunting down queer people.

Finally, at the end of the show, after Cynthia says that pretty soon nerds in lab coats will be running the show, we find out that Barb is getting the resources to fully work on the technology she has been talking about the entire show:

When Curt killed Owen he did not kill the surveillance network. Not for Chimera. But also, by handing A.S.S. evidence of what Chimera was doing, he likely influenced the US government to fund Barb and make her surveillance system a reality. A surveillance system that will invariably be used to hurt people like Curt and Owen.

Its possible that Curt never takes down Chimera precisely because the US now has a surveillance system to tell them that their ex-agent, the agent who went rogue, is also gay. And I don't imagine they would be very Gay Rights about it.

From a real world perspective, Owen and Barb were right: surveillance technology was the future in 1961. It is the present we currently live in. Warrantless, invasive, built into every piece of tech we use. The future happened, and it didn't wait for Agent Curt Mega.

#jesus why do i do this #this is about to get 4 notes hahaha #spies are forever #tin can bros #curtwen #owen carvour #agent curt mega #saf #tcb #carvernor #seriously sincerely no disrespect meant to that owen surveillance network post going around #i just genuinely do think about this a lot and kept meaning to make a breakdown #and that post got my autism flowing

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thefiresofpompeii · 9 hours

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@corallapis

your additions to the ‘they’re-in-a-tv-show’ theory that was already floating around made my jaw drop so here’s two more additions to yours

1. if everything we’re seeing is a pastiche or in-universe version of the tv show “post-2005 doctor who”, then wouldn’t it make sense for there to be a showy, campy master-esque villain that is emphatically NOT the master but effectively magpies their repertoire? they make a song and dance routine of viciousness, they openly flirt with the doctor (“sweetcheeks”) while threatening to kill him and treating the companion as a toy, they PLAY THE SAXON MASTER’S THEME on the piano. except “the master” doesn’t exist in this in-universe show — the doctor refers to the rani, the bishop, god knows what irrelevant time lords but doesn’t mention their best enemy. there’s a koschei-shaped hole in the narrative. who fills it? maestro. a title so close to “master” that italian fans were struggling because that was their official translation of the master’s name in the first place. the entire character is all but screaming “look at me, i’m Not-the-Master”

2. you came up with another intriguing theory — what if the episodes each are based around one essential element of a tv show thematically; i.e. space babies was ‘story’ and the devil’s chord ‘music/soundtrack’. makes me think — what if boom is ‘conflict’ and 73 yards is ‘setting’? throwing that up in the air apropos of nothing, of course, it’s all speculation. but wouldn’t that be cool? every snippet of information i’ve read about 73 yards suggests that it’s incredibly location-focused. folk horror stories can almost always be boiled down to the strained relationship between The Land and the people living on it. the only quote we’ve seen from it so far is fifteen saying “it never ends, the war between the land and sea” — once again, evoking landscape, geography, place. setting. 73 yards is a precise measure of geographical distance. as for boom, we know little about it and i prefer to keep it that way until it’s released, but the hitchcockian vibes promised and the premise itself make me think either ‘conflict’ or ‘suspense’

#doctor who theory #doctor who meta #dw #doctor who series 14 #doctor who season 1 #ncuti gatwa #millie gibson #russell t davies #fifteen #fifteenth doctor #ruby sunday #doctor who spoilers #space babies #the devil’s chord #jamie.txt #jinkx monsoon #maestro #the master #thoschei

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ennoshitas-princess · 2 days

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Winning My Heart

Kenma Kozume x chubby fem! reader Warnings: fluff, slight bullying (not from Kenma), Kuroo setting the two of you up, slight subducting (comments), swearing Synopsis: you are the younger sister of a professional gamer and he takes you to a convention, even though you wanted to spend your weekend at home Word Count: 772 So, I hope you love this, bc I found the idea super cute.

Being dragged by your older brother to any place where he had to be was something you were already used to, but never quite enjoyed. In your honest opinion you found video games fine, but never enjoyed playing them. Just the thought of you being here made your anxiety skyrocket to a whole new other level.

“Look, y/n. Your older brother is cool, isn't he?” Your brother bragged about his success, even though he just gained fame because of you.

The real reason why he became famous rather quickly happened one fateful day, the day you decided to enter his room while he streamed himself playing Minecraft. You entered to check up on him, and only in seconds when the comment section of his stream started to go nuts over you.

One comment read: “Damn, I wish I could date her~”

Another read: “Is that your girlfriend??”

Another one: “I bet her pussy tastes so good~”

Just seeing those comments made you ick in disgust. Mainly, these were guys right around your brother's age, about in their twenties. You were just in your second year in high school. Just thinking about them made you want to leave, but you just stood there, rolling your eyes.

He kept on shooting each opponent down, each smearing in red as they fell onto the ground. You stood there with eyes opened up widely, shaking in place, wanting to leave and not see the bloody horror on the screen.

He eventually got shot, but never made it to the top of the rest. The highest score right when your brother died was about twenty thousand points, while he only got to like a thousand or so. You stood there wondering who was the one with all these points?

You walk away from the pouting of your brother, not wanting to deal with the big baby he is. You found yourself venturing off to anywhere to maybe find an exit, but a part of you just wandered around to check the place out.

From pro gamers, to noobs, to the in-betweens, your eyes glimmered under the lights hung right above your head. The time and dedication put into being here made you want to congratulate every single one of them, except your brother.

You eventually see a stand with a faux blond playing Mario Kart, trying to beat a rooster head right beside him.

Fascinated, you stop to check out who is going to win. A group of tall guys stand in front of you, snickering to each other.

“What is a fat ass like you doing here? Only guys are allowed. Not a girl like her.” One of them said.

“Yeah, like what the fuck is wrong with her? She should go to the restaurant right around the corner.” Another snickered.

The faux blond got distracted with the comments and turned around to glare at them.

“What is wrong with you guys?!? Anyone can be here and have fun. You guys are just jealous that she might be better than you.” His golden eyes pierced their souls.

With that, they scurried off to hide.He turned back to his game, only to lose. His eyes popped out with frustration, wanting to kick anything and everything. He lost because of those dumb guys. You weren't a problem, they were.

“Hey, you protected that girl even at the cost of you losing Kenma. Why?” Kuroo teased the guy.

“Because people like them are just dumb and don't deserve to even exist, like they are just wasting our oxygen.” Kenma shrugged it off.

Kuroo being himself, he knew there was something more with him and you.

“Hey, Chibi-chan. Who are you and do you have a boyfriend?” Kuroo called out to you.

Your face scrunched up with a hint of blush. A random hot guy is asking you if you have a boyfriend. How could this be happening?

“Umm… no, I don't.” You glance down to the floor.

“Great! Hey Kenma, why don't you go out with her?” He teased him.

His head turned around to where you stood. His face turned into a tomato seeing your cute chubby cheeks. Your outfit too made you even more adorable.

“What is your name?” The rooster head asked.

“L/n y/n.” You replied to him.

Cute, I guess. The faux blond thought.

He reminds me of my kitten. You thought.

“Do you play video games?” Kenma approached you with a hint of hesitation.

“No, but my brother does.” You point to where your brother sat.

“Oh. I thought we could play together. I could always teach you some time.” He suggested.

“Sure!” You smile happily.

A/n: hello, the post I promised of Kenma!! I will post the winner of the poll soon!! Hopefully you enjoyed reading this!!

Thanks for stopping by!!

∘•······································•∘ʚ ♡ ɞ∘•·······································•∘

ennoshitas-princess

Please DO NOT repost on any other platform!!

Reblogs are acceptable

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aihoshiino · 1 day

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Episode 3 Rewatch: "Manga Based TV Drama"

YEAH WE'RE BACK ON THESE AGAIN!!! As much fun as the liveblog format was, I found it was actually getting in the way of me *doing* the liveblog (it could take multiple hours for me to watch and queue up One Single Episode) so I've decided to return to a format a bit more like my chapter reviews just in the desperate hopes of getting these actually done before season 2 airs. In the immortal words of Brian H oobh i got plany off time. But let's get to it real quick anyway!!!

I have a really soft spot in my heart for episode 3 in particular because it was the first episode I actually anticipated watching after I got into the show - episodes 1 & 2 were already out when I fully contracted brainworms so episode 3 was the first one I had to actually wait for. A lot of the cuts from it are like carved into my brain because I watched that episode preview so many times while waiting for it to air lol…

I've said this before but the anime's take on her really is what turned me into an active Kana Enjoyer. Megumi Han's delightful performance and her character acting an animation all combine to make it really hard not to be endeared to her. Her excitement at being reunited with Aqua is really cute, too - I remember Han saying that she was specifically told not to play Kana as a girl meeting an old crush but as someone excitedly reuniting with an old friend and I think that's particularly sweet. The AQKN dynamic at its heart is kind of just two lonely kids who don't have a lot of other connections that aren't couched in transactional utility creating a space together where they can just exist without any ulterior motives.

gotanda's words being visualized as literally skewering kana is so fucking funny too. bro killed her. you really can't blame her for biting back during dinner later lol

Kana's putting on a pretty positive face about it, but knowing how deeply alone and abanoned she feels by her parents, it's hard to not feel really sad about this scene. She's chipper about it but this is the first hint towards Kana's current honestly kind of dire circumstances we'll see get expanded on all the way to the end of the anime.

Aqua's refusal to let Kana see his old acting is also really interesting to me. Intentionally or not, it feels like it's sewing the seeds for some stuff in Tokyo Blade; Aqua respects Kana's acting and Kana herself as a professional to the degree that he doesn't want to 'lose' to her in that sense. Or rather, he'd be embarrassed to have someone he respects seeing him stumble like that - a little like Ruby's freakout in episode 1 over the idea of Ai, specifically, seeing her be bad at dancing.

Aqua trying to play it cool and then immediately nerding out when Kana mentions Sweet Today is so so so so soooooooo cute. I love it when that side of his personality pokes out…

KABURAGI NAMEDROP JUMPSCARE!!!!! i made the same face, aqua... I won't go into my Kaburagi Villain Propaganda here, but it really is so deeply suspicious that Kaburashi was on her oldest, most private phone…

KANA'S LITTLE 'I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE' MOMENT………. AQUMELT REAL AFTER ALL…. (NOT CLICKBAIT)

ruby's lain brand milk vexes and haunts me

Aqua's quietly pained, guilty expression when Ruby misreads his intentions for becoming an actor is so good, as is his cold internal dismissal of Ai's wish… it's funny to see him insisting he's not doing this for Ai's sake when really, everything Aqua does comes back to his mom.

Man, though. What even is there to say about the Sweet Today bits lmao. Holy shit. Particular shout out to Melt's seiyuu, Seiji Maeda, for making his in-character acting so authentically awkward and clunky without it coming off as overwrought or like he himself was giving a bad performance. That's suuuuuch a delicate thread to weave but he does it exceptionally well.

This scene also has one of my all time favourite punch ups from the manga - in the original, Ruby just kind of gets the manga from nowhere and makes the comparisons that way but the anime makes Aqua the one to go get his copy and start silently flipping through it to compare until Ruby snatches it… it really is the perfect teeing up for him to run off and tattle to Kana even though he was pretending he didn't give a shit lol. Dork ass boy.

This talk at the karaoke bar is really good, too. The directing is pretty simply but I feel like the anime producton really shows off just how strong its expression and character acting work is here which does a lot to help along what's otherwise a very static conversation. The contrast in Aqua and Kana's energy is also very fun - Aqua's really still while Kana's very animated.

The manga hasn't really touched on this in a while but the content of the conversation here also starts a thread that I really liked in the early parts of Oshi no Ko about how hard it is to create good art in an environment like the entertainment industry. Tokyo Blade centers this more and is almost explicitly a follow up to Sweet Today's exploration of this idea but the seeds are sewn here, of the necessary compromises that need to be made just to get something out the door and how that can ultimately destroy the final product no matter how many well-meaning and passionate people are doing their absolute best to make something worth engaging with.

i'm also pretty sure this talk is the first time we see aqua smile after episode 1… cute.

The directing also really shines in that little moment at the end where Kana grabs Aqua's hand. In prior cuts, the two are visually separated in that they're both sat apart and there are multiple lines running between them in the background to section them off from each other.

But then just as Kana breeches Aqua's defenses and disarms him, she physically reaches past all these little barriers to finally get into his space. It's subtle but well done.

His wide-eyed slightly stunned face is also really sweet. We see this look on Aqua a lot when it comes to Kana and it always makes me smile a bit. She's excellent at getting under his skin whether she means to or not.

"now my body has caught up with my mental age" says aqua, confirming his mental age is that of a teenager, and mfs are still out here acting like he's a 30 year old man.

Oof, oof and oof. Kana's little speech here already makes me so soft and knowing how it's going to be utterly spat upon in just a moment by Kaburagi's callousness towards her just makes it hurt even more. We continually see reference to this supposed good relationship between Kana and Kaburagi during this episode and so knowing that he's ultimately just another shitty adult taking advantage of her clear desperation… masaya kaburagi when i see you it's on sight

This is also a really fantastic character moment for Aqua, I think. He himself says he's done everything he needed to do on set, so there's no need for him to start shit like he does. It's purely out of respect and fondness for Kana as a person and anger on her behalf as a fellow actor. For as much as Aqua likes to convince himself he's a coldhearted bastard, he really just cannot help himself when it comes to leaping in and helping people. He's a lot like Ai in that once somebody has his heart, he's theirs for good.

i also just have to fucking Scream at this cut of him. it hit me like a fucking TRUCK when this episode dropped. because it doesn't quite look like the equivalent panel of the manga, does it?

But doesn't it feel super familiar, even so? Doesn't it remind you of something? I wonder wh-

OSHI NO KO ANIME STAFF, WHEN I GET YOU!!!!!! (ENRAGED) (POSITIVE)

#oshi no ko #oshi no posting #onk rewatch #onk spoilers #onk anime spoilers

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