#It's like I'm pretending to be a person who understands social cues

[mobgeo]

I feel so clueless on how jokes work. I know what makes people laugh, and I can repeat what makes them laugh so I can be funny, but I still don't understand the joke itself. I know how to make people laugh but I don't understand WHY it elicits laughter

#I don't understand people. I don't understand how socializing works #It's like I'm pretending to be a person who understands social cues #I know how to impersonate allistics but I don't know why they are laughing #It's a fun house mirror but I don't see my own reflection #you know? #Even with other autistic people I just still. Don't understand so many jokes that circle the internet and in real life conversations #I wish I could understand why people enjoy something so deeply while laugh #I swear to god I'm autistic. but no one in the system understands it #like #I understand the ADHD is so strong in others they just don't understand the subtle autistic traits #Everytime I talk to anyone it just feels like a weird inside joke that I wasn't there for #except I WAS there #the things I do find funny... sometimes others laugh along but it still feels so separate on what others find entertaining #sounds are just too much. all the time #I can't think about how loud a sound is without just wanting to... #remove my brain or something #I think being autistic is so painful. Not to get really real but I'm #so tired of just not understanding anyone around me or getting so overwhelmed by the slightest thought of a interaction to anyone #and everyone I know #ah. #I could go on forever. I just need to watch season three so i stop fronting #txt #autism is so hard. guys.

[kvrokasaa]

Pretending to be their s/o

Includes -- Kuroo, Bokuto, Iwaizumi

Testuro Kuroo

It's the usual day at the grocery store, picking up food for you and your pets. You grab one little outfit for your cat and smile, she would look good in this. While you're walking around, you hear someone talking. You're not usually a nosy person, but you overheard some conversation. "Look, I'm sorry ma'am, but you're really not my type." You can hear a girl whining and trying to flirt.

You peek your head around the aisle and see a man trying to turn down a girl. He looks about your age. You take pity on the guy and walk over to him. "Babe! Don't you think Cosmo would look good with this!" You raise the frog hat and smile, looking up at the guy, hoping he gets the hint and plays along. It would be embarrassing if he just asks who you are. But he smiles at you, sending you a quiet thank you.

"You already have enough of those hats for her, take pity on the cat." You pout and look over at the girl. "Oh? Who's this, a friend?" You smile at her as she scowls at you. "You know this girl, Testu?" The girl puts on an obnoxious whiny tone. You're tempted to cover your ears. But now you know what to call him. "Yes, I'm his girlfriend." You smile at her again. Then you look up at him and pout again. "But you and Cosmo looked so cute with the matching bunny ears last month. I still have pictures that I can send to your sister." Kuroo blushes and looks towards you, "I thought you deleted those." He sighs and grabs one of the things he came into the aisle for, "fine, you can get the frog hat." You smile and you both leave the aisle, leaving the girl confused and a little mad.

You check out and leave the store, Kuroo offers you a bow and smiles at you, "thank you for helping, I didn't know what I should've done." You smile at him as he takes your bags out of your hand, "how about I walk you home? As a thank you."

Iwaizumi Hajime

"Wow! Your arms are so big!" The girl puts her hand on Iwaizumi's arm, not reading the signals that he's uncomfortable. Iwa smiles a little and thanks her, trying to lean away from her. "Sorry I'm late!" You run into the gym and see Iwa with a girl. It leaves a sour taste in your mouth.

You've liked Iwa since high school, but you didn't know how to confess to him. But you can see the uncomfortable look on his face, so you take the initiative. You walk up the Iwa and grab his hand, "who's this, baby?" You look over at the girl with a slight glare. Iwaizumi looks down at you and sighs, "I don't know." He looks over to the girl and scowls a little. "Just some girl that won't leave me alone."

Iwa never cared about being nice to someone if they bother him. He'd rather outright tell them, but this girl kept cutting him off, not giving him a chance to tell her to leave. But finally, you came. "Let's just go."

You both walk away, telling another staff to take her out of the gym, she doesn't work her so she can't be here. Iwa pulls you away from the scene and smiles down at you, "thanks for helping." He could feel his heart beating, hoping you can't hear it. He's liked you since high school, maybe this is his chance to confess. "You know, you're cute when you're jealous."

Kotaro Bokuto

Bokuto is a very cheerful person, but he can get very mad, sad, or just change his emotions very quickly. People usually label him as someone who is stupid, someone who can't read social cues. But that's far from the truth, he just doesn't know how to tell someone no.

And unfortunately, that's what got him into this situation. He couldn't say no to Kuroo bringing him out to this restaurant. And here he is, getting hit on by some bartender. He just came for a drink, but the minute he sat down, this lady wouldn't stop bothering him. Gushing about how she saw him on TV, how he won nationals and how big of a fan she is. He understands that he has fans, but this is too much.

"You don't understand. I'm like your biggest fan!" He smiles, trying to find an opening to leave, but she wouldn't stop talking. "Thanks, um, can I get my drink now?" She pouts and brings her hand up, placing it on his bicep. "How about coming back to my place? My shift ends in 10 minutes~"

"My love, who's this?" You saw Bokuto from the other side of the bar and took pity on him. Of course, you knew him, your brother gushes about him every time he turns on the TV. Bokuto looks over at you, quickly understanding the situation and smiled. "Just some bartender." You smile at the girl, "two shots of tequila, please." The girl glares but gets to work.

"Thank you! I didn't know what to do." Bokuto rubs the back of his neck, smiling at you. You nod, accepting his thank you. Bokuto grabs the shots and leads over to his table, getting ready to be teased by his friends.

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!! #haikyuu fluff #bokuto x reader #bokuto koutarou #haikyuu bokuto #hq bokuto #kuroo tetsurou #kuroo x reader #kuroo tetsuro x reader #hq kuroo #iwazumi x reader #iwaizumi hajime #iwaizumi fluff #hq iwaizumi #hq x reader #hq fluff #haikyuu

[greatwyrmgold]

After finishing Dungeon Meshi, I had a lot of thoughts. Most of them were thoughts I'd seen echoed by other people, but there's one thing I don't think I've seen anyone else say:

Everyone hates Laios.

Obviously Kabru makes hating Laios his whole personality for a while, and the western elves think he'd be a dreadful dungeon master Lord of the Dungeon, and half of his party gets annoyed by his enthusiasm for monster cuisine. But I'm not talking about that.

Let's start with how almost literally everyone thinks he'd be the worst possible Lord of the Dungeon.

(cut this down)

This isn't just Kabru being in his "hating Laios is my entire personality" phase; everyone assumes that Laios's desires being fulfilled by the dungeon would be bad for humanity.

To be clear, they're wrong. Sure, Laios is susceptible to the Winged Lion's temptation, but so is everyone. At least Laios's stint as ersatz dungeon lord didn't have a body count! (Unless you count the Winged Lion's clones.)

But that doesn't matter, does it? People hated him before he reveals his obsession with monsters, and they have no shortage of reasons. Laios keeps talking about monsters and asking unwanted questions, he can't hold a normal conversation, he can't read the room or understand social cues, he doesn't fit in anywhere.

Laios does his best to act normal (most obviously when he pretends not to notice the Golden Country spirit because no one else sees it), but it's not good enough. People can still tell that he's different. They hate him when he acts weird and they hate him when he acts normal. Don't take it from me; take it from Chilchuck.

The left panel is the whole reason this post exists. It states in plain English that Laios would still be ostracized even if he only said "reasonable" things. People's distaste and distrust of him isn't rooted in how he acts or what he says, but in who he is.

...

Pretty much anyone who knows what they're talking about accepts that Laios is autistic. Probably also Falin, maybe also other party members, but Laios is definitely the poster boy for Dunmeshi autism. And the reasons people hate him are pretty closely aligned with his autism. That's usually subtext, but Shuro says the quiet part out loud.

Shuro doesn't know about the monster-eating or think Laios is gonna destroy humanity. He just can't stand Laios's eccentricities. And he's far from alone.

We don't see a lot of Laios's childhood, outside his interactions with Falin...but the subtext isn't great. You don't need to be a seasoned dungeoneer to recognize that someone is "different"; any kid can do it. And from the sparse glimpses we've seen of the Thorden parents—Laios's nightmare, the little indications that he shaves to avoid looking like his father, etc—they don't seem to have accepted their son's differences, either.

I doubt anyone in the Dungeon Meshi world knows the word "autism". If you tried to explain it to the Thorden party, their reactions would probably range from "Are you sure that's a thing?" to "Come on, everyone thinks like that sometimes, right?" But you don't need words to recognize difference, or to loathe it, or to make different people's lives hell. To make them want to escape their lives, by whatever means are necessary.

Is it any wonder Laios identifies with monsters, when so many people already treat him like one?

#dungeon meshi #laios thorden #characterization #autism #ableism #essay

[disgruntled-crow]

sometimes i hate how fandom treats Abed Nadir and other autistic characters because some people like to pretend that Abed has no understanding of sex/ sexuality. we see that he can put on an act and be what society deems as sexy in the second paintball ep (where he puts on a han solo type character). he knows the right social cues and even has fun being a desirable character but at the end of the day Abed chooses not to mask. The only person he really masks for is Troy and Troy likes Abed how he is. Even though Abed doesn't pretend he is traditionally sexy, he isn't a child who doesn't know about it. i'm talking less about ace headcannons (i think those are fine) but i feel the problem is more about the prevalent issue of autistic characters being infantilized/ treated as though they are unaware of sex. idk maybe it's just me.

#original post #community #abed nadir #troy barnes #trobed #autism #autistic

[zhong-leigh]

Breaking Down the Misdiagnosis Monday (part 3)

In this part, I'd like to focus on the social aspect of Autism and ADHD. You can find part 2 of this series here, in which I discussed novelty craving vs routine craving.

So. Socialising can be difficult with both ADHD and ASD. I'd like to go into them a little bit deeper because I know that a lot of people who suspect one or both conditions can have a hard time understanding what these social difficulties are.

As the chart says, autistic people have troubles intuitively reading social cues, while people with ADHD can miss social cues due to other inborn traits. Let's break this down a little.

One of the diagnostic criteria for ASD is a deficits in social communication. It includes back and forth communication, social cues like body language, tone of voice, right time to say/do things, etc. Autistic people can have a very hard time with all of these as we don't develop a natural understanding for social norms/cues/communication. We are born this way. Some of us might develop a mask, though, hiding our struggles and pretend that we understood that joke, pretending that we know how to react to a "you okay?" in a socially acceptable way. I personally have no idea what people expect me to say when they ask how I am, so I just say "good" cause I noticed that I can't exactly go wrong with that. (So far) I also don't really know at what point I'm friends with someone which would warrant an honest answer to a "how are you" (in my perspective).

Important note that autism is a spectrum, as we already know, and not every autistic person will relate to the social difficulties the same way. Some might have less difficulties than others, some might be able to make small talk or recognise some social cues while other might not.

This is not the case in ADHD. As far as we know, people with ADHD aren't born with these social deficits. Their social struggles come from their ADHD traits such as hyperactivity, impulsivity, hyperfocus/hyperfixation, attention regulation issues (as the chart also mentions), inattention. So if a person with ADHD misses a social cue it's not because of an inborn deficit, like in autism, but because their attention is somewhere else as they have difficulties regulating their attention. Because of this they are (like autistic people) very likely to receive bullying, abuse, mocking and develop social anxiety, which can make it more difficult for both ADHDers and autistics to connect and communicate freely.

Masking is very high in both conditions, a lot of people with one, the other or both learn how to hide their struggles even though it's draining, painful, and destroys our mental health.

As always, feel free to add your thoughts and experiences to this.

#actually autistic #autism #autistic #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #asd #adhd #audhd #autism/adhd #actually adhd

[pomplalamoose]

If you are ever down I would love your take on a Luke with a ND partner, maybe one who isn't expressive or picks up on social cues. says what ever comes to mind. Takes things a little too literally, is blunt in conversations. Like someone who struggles with their tone so people think they're bored or mean when they really have constantly racing thoughts and new ideas and are always open to new relationships.

I'm pretty sure it has never taken me this long to answer an ask before, but I wanted to make sure I'd put the same time and effort into yours as I did with every other one so far. Sadly I never seemed to get the free time to do so until now, so I REALLY want to thank you for your patience, anon, and hope you're happy with the result🩵

Please note though that for requests like these I'm only able to draw from my own experiences which possibly differ from those of others.

Accordingly nothing I said about "you" is meant to impose any kind of insinuations about behavioral patterns on those reading this, nor is it my intention to criticize or sound harsh in any way.

It goes without saying that Luke, as a friend as well as a partner, couldn't be any more wonderful to be around and I believe that especially for someone on the neurodivergent spectrum it's basically a dream come true to date him.

(Apart from that he's definitely that one friend who listens to you when you think nobody else does and waits for you when you need to stop to tie your shoe laces.)

He's empathetic and sensitive to the emotions of those surrounding him and thus would never make you feel like you don't belong, are weird for acting a certain way, or like you'd be better off pretending to be something you're not to "fit in".

And while Luke's connection to the Force certainly adds a lot to the fact that he has no trouble reading you, he would manage to just as well without it.

Still there's no denying how useful his abilities could prove themselves to be in a relationship, especially should his partner struggle with expressing themselves.

I won't go into much more detail though, because many of the things I already talked about in my other posts regarding his understanding and supportive character can be applied here as well.

(e.g. Master Luke Skywalker headcanons, Luke with a partner on their period, Luke x a reader with mental health issues, breaking down in front of Luke)

However I think it'd be really interesting to take a look at his initial reaction to getting to know a neurodivergent person with the behavioral features you described since I believe they differ depending on which Luke era we're talking about.

• ANH Luke wouldn't even bat an eye

• on Tatooine everyone has to put up a rough exterior in order to protect oneself

• it's not a place of friendly conversations and common niceties; people know they're better off minding their business and staying on their own

• you're very blunt and speak your mind?

• you seem unfazed, even bored during most encounters?

• good for you, it's not easy to navigate this corner of the galaxy and much safer to hold others at a distance

• growing up Luke came across a wild array of all kinds of beings too, one more interesting (and really scary) than the other

• he's not put off, instead even used to supposed unfriendliness

• also he doesn't know anything about where you're from and your people, maybe that's just the way they are and how you were raised?

• he probably thinks you're very cool too

• because surely you have seen a lot? Been on great adventures across the galaxy?

• he really wants to do the same

• if you come across as mean without meaning to it's not a big deal, it only makes him want to spend even more time with you

• ("if mean, then why friend-shaped??")

• most importantly ANH Luke judges a person more by their actions than their words, so there is absolutely no need to worry about how he may perceive you

• it's safe to say you're not getting rid of him as it's nearly impossible to shake him off once he decides he wants to be someone's friend

• he's more than delighted once you get to know each other better and it turns out his intuition was right!

• ESB Luke, on the other hand, may be a bit slower to come around

• not necessarily because he dislikes you but because he doesn't have the time nor the patience to put effort into really getting to know you

• people talk and so he probably heard a thing or two that has him eyeing you curiously

• most likely he won't pay you much mind as he's gone most of the time anyways

• generally speaking though, I think you'd get along pretty well, Luke is a friendly and open minded person after all and would surely grow fond of your quirks before even knowing about their source

• still there's a possibility of the two of you butting heads should it come to an actual meeting

• nothing really severe, of course, but still I can see Luke growing easily frustrated at, for example, your lack of expression, or at your questions when you don't quite get something and want to make sure you understood everything correctly

• and while he's not going to show it or tell you outright that he thinks you're a bit annoying, he's not that good at surpressing dramatic sighs or a roll of his eyes

• HOWEVER if you catch him off guard with blunt words said in a tone that could come across as mean it could definitely get a rise out of him

• after all we get to see that he has developed a certain attitude; he's snippy, quick to talk and slightly judgemental

• (mainly towards Han and Yoda but I can see him acting this way quite often because of all that he's being put through)

• I'm sure that under different circumstances Luke wouldn't react as strongly but with how things are during ESB he might hurt your feelings without meaning to

• once the dust settles and he has a quiet moment to himself he'll feel awful though and most likely seek you out to make amends

• naturally RotJ Luke is a different story altogether

• (the character development this man went trough is absolutely crazy, and I'm amazed every time I do comparisons like these)

• before even taking to you for the first time he'd regard you with a warmth and patience you seldom get to experience

• he quietly smiles to himself when he overhears you having a conversation in that special way of yours or when he senses something sparking an idea

• he appreciates your bluntness

• maybe at first you'd think he's laughing at you but don't worry, he just thinks you're cute

• he feels you in the Force, senses your excitement, your curiosity

• it draws him in

• he is able to see you as a whole, not just what you present on the outside, and so isn't deterred by what others would view as a potential attack or criticism

• (take notes ESB Luke)

• once you've grown closer he's always there to point out social clues you might have missed and/or walks you through certain situations to explain how your behavior might have looked to others when it's something you're worried about

• often he knows what you're going to say before you do and, if that's what you want, gives you a sign you agreed upon, letting you know if maybe it'd bet better for you to be silent instead

• (he absolutely explains dumb sexual jokes to you when you don't get them and I don't care how self indulgent this is, I could really use someone to do that for me, thank you very much)

#ask #luke skywalker #luke skywalker x reader #luke skywalker x you #luke skywalker x oc #luke skywalker fanfiction #gn reader #star wars #luke star wars #star wars fanfiction #star wars a new hope #star wars empire strikes back #star wars return of the jedi #fanfic #star wars headcanons #luke headcanons #headcanons

[love-at-first-bite]

I really am getting tired about the way people talk about Laios.

Talking with my co-workers/friends and they all call him a freak and weirdo. People on here call him that too and irks me just the same. But these people know me. I can't help but wonder if that's how they see me as well. A weirdo freak who's life is effected by a disability.

Autism is a disability. I know some people don't like hearing that but it's true. My autism effects every step of my life, literally every step as it effects even the way I walk. I don't get sarcasm or most jokes. I talk too fast and too loud. Lights and sounds and smells and textures can be hell for me while for others it's normal and fine. And don't even get me started on the whole social cues stuff.

I talk with someone at work who speaks mostly sarcastically and worry I talk what she says the wrong way a lot. I think she's always mad at me. My friends on Discord say things in a jokey manner rather often and I have to remind them that I think they're being serious unless otherwise stated, which I know gets annoying for them. I talk fast enough as it is (it's a Southern thing) but when I get even a little excited my words blur together and I have awful volume control, coupled as well with hearing issues so I get even louder. I have to make myself talk slower, which makes talker even harder than it already it as my brain and mouth don't sync up so I fumble over words. Someone brought in Valentine's treats for our big work lunch and the texture of it was so bad I fought back tears cause I couldn't just spit it out, even though people told me it was okay, cause that would be plain rude.

But I work with other autistic people. Surely they don't see them as a weird freak? But only I get the weird looks. Autism is only really accepted when it's cute and quirky and when people don't have to be reminded that it's a mental disability that makes living hard. Special interests are only cool when it's something cute, not anything like bugs or medicine or weapons...or monsters. Everyone thinks the person who pretended to be a wolf or a dragon should have been bullied harder when they were young cause maybe they wouldn't be "weird" today. Maybe if I wasn't a freak as a child I wouldn't be a freak today.

Laios is a fictional character. He can't be hurt by people calling him a weirdo freak online. But people who relate to him might be hurt by the things people say. Laios is excitable, talks fast, doesn't understand people's social cues, adores something everyone else around him see as strange and odd, grew up alone and seen as weird, was even physically hurt by people who didn't understand him, didn't want to understand him. Wanted to talk about this for a bit so I'm putting it here. I don't really find it funny that he gets hit and smacked around by his friends just cause they don't understand him. Be bullied because people don't understand your disability as a child/teen is hard enough, but being ragged on by your own friends? Physically too? Which loops me back around to the start of this whole thing.

I'm tired. I'm tired of hearing about this character I love and relate to and see myself in being mocked and called a crazy weird unhinged freak just for being autistic. People can say what they want, but I can't help but feel that's the way they actually see me, see others who are just like me. I already don't feel like I belong in life. Even my closest, bestest friend doesn't understand and I can tell she gets frustrated when I get a little "too autistic". I can't change who I am, despite my mother's efforts to erase my autism in my childhood and just ignoring it now in my adult years. I just wish people were a little nicer to people like me.

Happy autism acceptance month or whatever.

#victor beeps #sorry i'm not putting this under a read more this is ya'll's trial #real people feelings over fictional characters saying that right here right now #but the way some of you talk about fictional characters really shows how you actually feel about real people who are like them #like i've been wanting to talk about how people treat shane and pam from stardew valley but that's another conversation for another time

[luanloudfanpage]

Why I Love Luan Loud

(1/4 of a series of essays in which I ramble about my favourite characters/ships in the loud house)

Luan Loud, with her blend of silliness and occasional mean-spirited pranks, might not seem like the most endearing character at first glance. I mean, she's one of the most disliked characters on the show because of her pranks and otherwise 'annoying' habits.

Yet, she has become my favorite character for a multitude of reasons that resonate deeply with me. On the surface, Luan embodies a stark contrast: her antics, which lean towards the extreme, particularly during her notorious April Fools' episodes, are balanced by an inherent sweetness and kindness, as shown by how she treats her siblings with physical affection and often supporting them. This contrast is what draws me to her character, and what I love about her so much.

Personally, I've always felt a connection to characters who are unapologetically themselves. Growing up, I was often labeled as an annoying chatterbox. Luan is similar to this, wherein she is often groaned at or implicitly called annoying in dialogue. Despite her family's lukewarm reactions to her humor, she does not take the hint, and just continues on regardless. This could be a mix of either neurodivergence making her misunderstand anything that isn't a clear verbal complaint as simply just a comment, or rather she understands that they dislike it, but doesn't care. However, i'm hesistant to say this due to the fact that she has been shown to be rather oblivious when it comes to social cues. Not to say that she is stupid, because she isn't, but rather her intelligence lies in technical skills such as mechanical engineering (as seen by her pranks), clowning, comedy and acting.

The episode "No Laughing Matter," where Luan decides to quit comedy is the episode that really stuck with me and made me be a big fan of Luan. Watching her hesitate and carefully plan her words struck a chord with me, as if she was struggling so hard to not bring up her special interest (puns/comedy) in any remote way, which I full heartedly believe is similar to masking, and I relate *a lot* too.

For those uninitiated, Masking is a form of pretending in which those who are neurodivergent frequently act a different way to avoid their more explicit ND traits causing them social alienation. However, this can drain energy and be harmful for neurodivergent people, as they're pretending someone who they're not, which is harmful to anyone.

I could make the case for all of the Loud siblings being on the spectrum in some capacity, but I want to specifically highlight Luan here given she's often disregarded when the fandom talks about neurodivergent headcanons, even though she could be argued as being explicitly coded as such.

There's a deeper layer to Luan that often goes unnoticed. Like many of the Loud children, Luan navigates a sense of neglect, which I believe fuels her over-the-top pranks on April Fools' Day. It seems to be her way of clamoring for the attention she feels she lacks, escalating her antics in hopes of acknowledgment. This cycle of seeking validation through increasingly bold actions could be stretch but in the future I plan to write an essay on how shit the Loud parents are.

Beyond the screen, Luan and I share a common background as theatre kids, which deepens my affinity for her. My own experiences was honestly fucking shitty, cause of an ableist drama teacher, but regardless, that's a shared experience I share with Luan. Aside from that, I also love the colour yellow, I also performed comedy routines in front of my family as a kid, I love vintage fashion similar to 60s (which Luan 100% embodies fight me on that) and I do love a good pun. So, as a result, I see my younger self in Luan and have a strong desire to protect and ensure her safety/happiness otherwise. It sounds rather silly but it's the truth. Characters can be like that, where they feel so similar that it just clicks for you.

In summary, Luan's unabashed silliness and her determination to remain true to herself is why she is, without a doubt, my favorite character.

#the loud house #loud house #luan loud #tlh #fandom blog #fan blog #rant post #character appreciation #mo rant

[enigmakiwi]

Being autistic and having to go out of my way to express gratitude is so weird. Like, I don't naturally express that, and I have to remind myself that if I don't do so, people won't know. They'll think I don't care or I'm an asshole.

It's part of what makes opening presents so horribly weird. Like, I'm grateful! I'm over the moon! But I know I look like I don't give a shit, so I gotta smile and recite my "thank you, this is nice, I'll do x with it" script I formulated as a kid. It's a whole thing, especially since I was taught growing up that you should always pretend you like something if it's a present, even if you don't. I end up having the same response awkwardly expressed either way. And it's something very few people understand because expressing gratitude (or faking it) comes naturally to most people.

I have to remind myself to say thank you when favors are done for me, not because I'm ungrateful! I'm always grateful! But this is not an intrinsic behavior for me even if I'm "good at" most other responses and social cues.

I'm getting better at it as time goes on, slowly but surely, but I've had so, so many experiences where I've been told I'm rude or ungrateful or bratty or selfish (in this and many, many other contexts) growing up that I find myself extremely stressed at the prospect of saying thank you in the "wrong" way, or not well enough. Because people have told me I'm a bad, ungrateful person. Even though I know I'm a decent person, even though I know I'm kind... Because I try to be, because I make an effort to do so. And isn't that fucked up? It's a concept that's hard to explain to someone who can't relate to it.

#autism #autistic experiences #neurodivergent #neurodiversity

[robertseanleonardthinker]

can i just talk abt how goddamn isolating being autistic is (for me at least)

big rant ahead

like of course for the more obvious reason of i can't read social cues and i have trouble interacting/socializing with people. but like there's so much more to that and i haven't seen anyone else ever talk abt it. it makes me think maybe this is just me who feels like this.

i fucking wish i could be like everybody else. i wish i could express my feelings in a normal way. i wish i could show people i loved them properly. in ways where there's absolutely no doubt about it.

my boyfriend knows he's loved by physical touch. that's his love language. i hate being touched. i don't like hugs and i don't like hand-holding and i don't like cuddling. sometimes i can make myself do it but most of the time i can't and it kills me to know he's not getting the love he needs or deserves. just because my brain isn't the right way.

it's hard for me to even understand the feeling of love. it's hard for me to understand all of my feelings. but especially one so complicated. i don't get it. it confuses me. it's weird and complicated and makes me feel arrrggggshghfgr. i never had crushes (or i guess never knew i did maybe?) as a kid and it made me feel left out. i would pretend to have crushes on people just to feel like everybody else.

i used to think i was good at reading social cues up until somewhat recently. the reason i thought this is because i never knew what i was missing. it wasn't there for me. it wasn't until i heard a neurotypical person explain how they experience things that i realized... holy shit. i've missed so much. i've missed so many subtle things. this made me think... how many people actually liked me as a kid but i couldn't tell because they didn't say it up front? how many times did i sob myself to sleep as a child thinking nobody liked me when maybe i didn't have to?

it's the same way with shows and movies, too. i miss out on so much and it fucking sucks. i can't fully understand even my hyperfixations. god only knows how many important things i missed just because i can't see them? i see people talk about this or that in a show i've watched dozens of times and thought about so deeply and i'm like... what the fuck are they talking about??? and then i realize, they're talking about things that were told through non-verbal communication and such. things that i don't pick up on. things i never realized had any meaning.

another thing with shows and movies is that i absolutely hate watching them with other people. it's because when i'm around other people i feel like i need to react to certain things a certain way. i need to display my emotions the same way they do. if they cry, i should be crying or otherwise i'm a cold heartless bitch. if they're laughing, i need to laugh too otherwise i'm emotionless and weird. i feel the same emotions, i know i do. i just don't show them outwardly. and i hate that. when things are sad or funny, i feel those emotions. it's just that that's not the way i express them. i feel like i need to perform or else i'm wrong. i'm watching the show wrong. i'm feeling those emotions the wrong way.

sometimes i feel like i even think the wrong way. the way my brain works is that i don't think in just words. when i am in my head and thinking, it's a mix of words and images and gestures and feelings and sounds and sensations and smells and what the fuck ever. it's so hard to put what i think into words. i think that i think some very good thoughts and i'd love to share them but i can't and it hurts me because i want other people to be able to enjoy what i'm enjoying, you know? like i'm not saying i'm the best and my thoughts are the best, it just makes me happy to share my passions and ideas. but i can't. my speech is stop-and-go and choppy and forced. it's hard. it's hard to even type this out. it's hard to find words.

i feel so isolated. i feel like i miss so much. like everybody else is speaking a different language i'm not allowed to ever learn. it's their secret. i'm not allowed. but they make fun of me for not knowing anyway.

#rant post #venting kinda #being autistic #the autistic experience #autism #actually autistic

[tyranasauruslex]

lukas question for you- do you think he knows that he's autistic? I don't know... anything about how developmental disorders are viewed/diagnosed in sweden and I'm torn between he knows/was diagnosed at a young age and doesn't talk about it or tell anyone, knows and will casually use it to get people to underestimate him (or anything else he wants), or genuinely doesn't know and thinks he's just a weirdo coder who wasn't socialized enough

I think Lukas got diagnosed pretty young - he took longer to start talking than the other children, got upset around large groups of people, had a narrow area of interests and had a lot of sensory issues around clothing. Being autistic is something he’s always been aware of and Swedish schools a pretty good with providing extra support to neurodivergant children so he didn’t feel “different”. I imagine his mum and dad were pretty good at making sure he had coping strategies and socialised so he wasn’t labelled the “weird kid” at school. Then his dad died and everything went downhill and Lukas spent all his time in his bedroom with his computer so when it came time to interact with people, he really struggled and started getting picked on. A teacher suggests that the annual summer coding camp would be good for him but Lukas is adamant he doesn’t want to go until his mum bribes him with some new computer parts. The first two days are awful and he hates it but then he meets Oskar and despite the other teen being very loud, Lukas finds it surprisingly easy to make friends with him. He’s very upfront about being autistic which doesn’t seem to phase Oskar, even when his new friend comes across as a bit of an oddball the more time they spend together. Then he’s got his own little gang of nerdy friends much to the relief of his mother, even if all they ever seem to do is talk about coding. 

Most of Team GoJo are computer nerds so it doesn’t matter if Lukas talks solidly for ten minutes straight about some random piece of code because everyone else is just as interested in it as he his. Nor does anybody care that the CEO wanders around barefoot because shoes and socks give him sensory overload or that he often comes across as “odd”. Being autistic isn’t something Lukas ever tries to hide or see’s as a weakness - his brain just works a bit differently to other peoples. 

It’s when the company starts growing and he has to deal with people outside of the GoJo bubble that being autistic is seen as being something he needs to hide. Suddenly the expensive PR person they hired is muttering about Lukas coming across as “weird” and wants to remove all his usual coping strategys to make him fit in more with “normal” society.  

You can’t wear sweatpants to a finance meeting because it won’t send the right message. You usually leave all the social stuff to Oskar to deal with? Sorry, thats not how it’s done so you better get out there and pretend you know how to relate to people. You need to stim because you’re having sensory overload? Yeah, you can’t do that anymore because you look like a freak. 

After five months of this and Lukas being so burnt out that he spends almost a week in bed they fire the PR guy and decide to do their own thing. Between them Oskar and Lukas devise a system so that if Lukas is getting overwhelmed or not hitting the right social cues, the other one can step in and redirect. It works pretty well over the years and they’ve got the whole “elusive foreign billionaire” schtick down to an art form, with everyone thinking Lukas disappearing from parties early is because he’s off on a hedonistic adventure but in reality he’s leaving so he can go to bed because masking is exhausting and he’s in danger of autistic shutdown. 

Then Lukas sets his sights on America and the Roy Family empire and Oskar is surprised he makes it out alive because it’s months of talking and trying to understand the social norms of a country that’s so different from their own and with a bunch of people who seem in desperate need of therapy. At first it’s fun making up fake stories and dropping little nuggets of information for Team Roy to dig up but it quickly becomes apparent that Lukas is going to have to suppress his autistic tendencies if he’s going to get the deal he wants. There’s no way Logan Roy would even entertain speaking to GoJo if he knew that there was something “wrong” with Lukas so whatever previous mentions there were of him being autistic get burried. 

Then Logan snuffs it and Lukas is stuck with a presidential race, Succession Bowl and the Roy siblings infighting. Oh, and his crush telling him he hates him whilst perched on top of a rock. Now he’s got to drag Team GoJo back to America whilst simultaneously figuring out which of the CEO candidates is going to be the least irritating to deal with. The Kill List is fun because he already knew who he was keeping but it’s fun to watch them all flapping around in a panic and trying to get on his good side. 

However it’s exhausting having to pre-plan all his social interactions, even down to the facial expressions he’ll use, and try and remember how to act with each individual person. Sometimes it goes fine but most of the time Lukas experiences an overwhelming sense of physical exhaustion to the point where he keeps trying to brush off Shiv and her insistence that he attends every party on the roster. He’s having more difficulty managing his emotions than usual and is prone to outbursts of anger and waves of intense anxiety. His stimming is off the charts, as is his increased sensitivity to sensory input, and he’s even more insistent on everything being his way due to struggling with all the change thats happening. 

Then the deal finally goes through and Lukas hides out on his private island for a month to recharge, barely getting out of bed or looking at his phone until Oskar comes to rouse him for the first WayStar/GoJo team retreat. 

So in short, yes I think Lukas knows he's autistic and is pretty chill about telling people but as times goes on he becomes a bit more guarded with who he tells and how much he tells them. For instance Oskar knows all his safe foods and can easily tell when he's masking but Tom will only ever know that the reason Lukas doesn't like wearing shoes is because he's got big feet.

#my lil autistic computer nerd #lukas is autistic and will accept no alternatives #lukas matsson

[waluigis-biggest-fan]

I'm so disconnected from canon that I almost forgot the actual movies portray Malfoy as an unapologetically classist, elitist, blood purist bully who is so incompetent he can't draw stink lines on someone's photo without reality bending to humble him and not the tall intelligent intellectual who grew past his childhood vices and found love with the very person he bullied out of a sense of conflicted affection and learned hatred.

I wanna see a story where Malfoy starts to grow around the 2nd or 3rd movie, his vices falling to the side as he becomes a member of the main group, still having a social life outside of them, but growing to enjoy their company more than the old friends he made when he still held his old beliefs, yet still only being able to enjoy their company in private or away from prying eyes because he fears his father's reaction. Imagine a universe where Malfoy and Harry become the kind of friends who constantly jab at each other but nevertheless respect each other.

I want a story where Malfoy and Harry's quidditch rivalry goes from staunch opposition to friendly applause when the other wins and talking about how they could improve for next time.

I want a story where Malfoy and Hermione slowly grow to appreciate the other. Hermione learning that he is intelligent and well learned despite his obtuse exterior, eventually rooting for him more than Harry during Quidditch matches; Malfoy learning that there is literal centuries of Muggle literature he's missed out on and the books Hermione lent him are only enough to whet his appetite.

I want a story where Malfoy learns that sometimes rugged adventuring and the occasional broken rule can be as fun as reading a good book, despite Ron still being his least favorite.

All of this culminating in the final part of the story with Malfoy becoming distant during the 5th book when he's expected to build the cabinet and let the Death Eaters into the castle. In the end, his fear overpowers his newfound sense of comradery and he rebuilds the cabinet. They don't see each other again until the escapade in Malfoy manner where, beyond just pretending not to recognize them, his guilt overpowers his fear and he fights back against his family, sustaining severe wounds and falling unconscious but escaping with the gang. Cue Malfoy not defending his actions and just taking all of the verbal assaults one by one until Harry sits down with him and actually says that he understands. He understands what its like to just go along with what your parental guardian says because you're scared of them. He understands what its like to live in fear of what your decisions and choices will bring. Malfoy actually relaxes his self hatred a bit and says to the group that he's sorry, he wouldn't do the things he's done again, and that he'll carry the guilt he feels over Dumbledore's death forever but he's still on their side and whether they like it or not, he's helping. At the ending, when Voldemort offers for people to join him, Malfoy doesn't step forwards until he sees that Harry is coming back to life and when he does, he lies in wait to throw Harry his wand. Malfoy joins Dumbledore's army in the battle of Hogwarts. When all is said and done, he has a moment rescuing Hermione where he can say something like "I betrayed my friends once, I won't do it again," Hermione can have a moment saving him from an unexpected attack, and they reconcile. When we walk through the great hall, seeing the heroes, Draco isn't sitting with his family, he's sitting with Hermione. At the end when Harry breaks the Elder Wand and throws it away, Malfoy has returned to the fold, reaccepted by his friends.

This has gotten away from me but in conclusion, fuk JK; stan Dramione.

#dramione #fuck jkr #fanfiction #shipping

[ikamigami]

I'm glad that New Moon is trying to talk about things with Sun. Even though he still has issues with understanding some non-verbal cues (New Moon really should conclude that there is something wrong with Sun because he seems on edge and is overworking himself) cause he ain't a social guy. But he really tries his best which shows how much he cares about Sun. And I love New Moon for that!

I hope that Moon's fans especially fans of Old Moon won't hate me for what I'm going to say but I think that someone need to say this. Even though Old Moon cared about Sun, he sucked at showing it. He didn't even try to talk with Sun about even the most important issues. Even though he was often mentioning that he'll talk with Sun about this or that. And yet he never talked with Sun about anything. Maybe occasionally, one or two times. Old Moon just almost completely stopped talking with Sun about important stuff especially after Sun expelled Eclipse from his own head.

Many people say that there is a lack of communication between brothers but I blame Old Moon for that more because he really didn't put much effort into that. And we can see that some things are hard for New Moon as well. And yet New Moon tries. Which really shows us that Old Moon wasn't trying that much. Sorry not sorry. Old Moon was coming up with excuses most of the time cause we know that he can talk about various issues because he organised an f-ing group therapy! So yeah...

On the other hand we shouldn't be surprised that Sun wasn't opening up to Old Moon about some of the things because Old Moon was repeatedly discouraging him from doing so, unintentionally but still. And after all the things Sun went through it's even harder for him to open up. So even if New Moon tries, Sun won't open up on his own. Unless New Moon would connect the dots which I don't blame him for not doing so cause like I said he ain't a social guy. It's harder for him to see some things.

And I know that it would be the best if Sun said something about his su*c*dal thoughts but please don't expect that Sun will do it. Because not everyone shares thoughts like that with others. Some people are hiding these type of thoughts from others mainly due to shame and guilt they feel for having su*c*dal thoughts.

And we shouldn't be surprised that Sun didn't say anything about having hallucinations either because it's very common thing that people who have hallucinations don't talk about it. Mainly due to shame and guilt they feel because they don't want to be a burden to others.

Sun needs someone who will be able to see the signs, who will realise that there is something wrong with Sun and that he needs immediate help. The only person who might know something about Sun's issues is... Moon's computer, unfortunately... If they heard what Sun was talking about to himself of course.

I hope that Moon's computer won't make things worse for Sun and won't push him over the edge. I hope that they will help Sun. And I would really hate that if that one AI who stayed with Sun would bully him or was extremely mean to him. And remember that this AI is the one who Eclipse pretended to be that one time (yeah, I still didn't forget about that) (I know that was probably because Davis is voicing both characters but you know what I mean).

I'm just genuinly worried about Sun. I can't shake that awful feeling that something horrible will happen... And I'm not saying that Sun will try to take his own life, no. I'm trying to say that whatever will happen it'll definitely worsen Sun's mental state some more.

#sun and moon show #sams #sun and moon show sun #fnaf sb #fnaf sun #sams sun #sun and moon show moon #sams moon #fnaf moon #sams eclipse #sun and moon show eclipse #sams moon's computer #sams new moon #sams spoilers #tw sui

[frost-sama-senpai-san]

The Jake discorse has me wiling out hold on. First off, Jake English is the absolute LOVE of my GODDAMN life. So jot that down. Also, before we get started, I need you to understand I am using **manipulative** as a neutral term.

Ok SO

Im looking at this duality of like Jake is either a Manipulative Mastermind or a dumb dumb idjit boy with no brain. And I'm sitting here like!!! Neither of the two are completely true, but they can coexist!!

Jake was a child who grew up COMPLETELY alone on an island where everything was waiting to kill him at any fucking second. It follows that he would become almost OBSESSIVE about the state of his FEW relationships after that type of life. Both for companionship and literal (in Lil Hal's case) physical protection.

DO I think Mr. English uses social manipulation on his friends? Yes, absolutely. Do I think it comes from a place of malace or intention to hurt? NO! Jake is OBSESSED with how his friends view him. He is terrified that ONE DAY his friends are going to see him how he sees himself — a sad, lonely kid. So, he has to project the simultaneous images of "badass masculine movie hero" and "lovable goofballwith no brain who needs protection". The former is for HIS OWN self image, and the latter is for the PERCIEVED image of him. These two things are often contradictory... except... in the case of weaponized incompetence.

Aside from the Toxic Masculinity connotations of a lot of Jake's younger thought patterns (that he DOES actively try to unlearn), Jake PRETENDS he doesn't understand how feelings, emotions, and social cues work. He does this when he manipulates Jane into lying about how she has feelings with him by acting oblivious to them. We know he knew about Jane's feelings from a simultaneous chat log with Roxy. If he KNEW, why does he pretend he doesn't?

Remember how we talked about Jake being OBSESSED with his friends' opinions of him? If Jake were to come right out and say "No, I don't feel the same way," his relationship with Jane would become strained and almost inhospitable (at least for a little while), and Jake CANNOT handle that. His anxiety levels would go absolutely fucking BONKERS, SO, in an effort to avoid that nastiness, he forces Jane's hand into letting him off the hook. This is Best Case Scenario for Jake, as, now, the only person Jane can be mad at is herself. After all, SHE was the one who said she didn't have feelings for Jake.

I have a TON of thoughts on this but I'm gonna brief: We ALSO see it in the dissolution of Jake and Dirk's relationship. Jake had an image of Dirk in his head that didn't match the REAL Dirk. Now, in a healthy relationship, this would be something to work through and reconcile; however, there are some parts of Real Dirk that Jake doesn't necessarily like. Instead of being honest and communicating, Jake is SO conflict avoidant that he goes OUT OF HIS WAY to alienate Real Dirk from their relationship. Ugh, I can't remember the chat log, but I distinctly remember Jake talking to SOMEONE about how he and Dirk are growing apart and how he wishes the whole thing would just disappear. That would be the easiest option, right? Well, the next best thing? Blaming the breakdown on SOMEONE ELSE.

He puts Dirk in the position of the "bad guy", implying that it was *Dirk's* fault things were bad, and not his OWN inability to communicate. That way, Dirk can't be mad at JAKE. Again, like Jane, Dirk can only be mad at HIMSELF.

Ok, if you've read this far, you're probably thinking I'm firmly on the Manipulative Mastermind side of this argument, right? Wrong!

I think Jake does a lot of this as a survival mechanism. A lot of it might even be second nature. We see in the Post Trickster Smackdown from Jane, Jake is absolutely WRECKED. He is totally, horrifically GOBSMACKED by the consequences of his actions... not bc he believes they were unwarranted, but bc he KNOWS he DESERVES IT. He calls himself a coward, over and over again, bc he KNOWS his inability to face conflict is ACTIVELY HARMING his friends, and degrading his friends' opinions of him. BUT, just bc he's self-aware, that doesn't mean that second nature instinct just GOES AWAY. It can't! It's been built into him since he was a child, and, bc of the EXACT image he's built, it's been unknowingly enabled for YEARS.

Jake takes the Jane smackdown VERY hard. To the point where he becomes almost lifeless for most of the rest of the comic. His friends dont like him anymore, they TOLERATE him, BARELY. He has ended up in his worst fear — alone, with his friends thinking he doesn't care about THEM. Which couldn't be farther from the truth.

WHICH BRINGZ US TO THE CLINAX!

Up until this point, Jake has been picking fights he KNOW he can win. Whether it be social, or literal physical fights, Jake has not engaged in anything that could TRULY hurt him. He hid on his island until Lil Hal gave him freedom. He hid from the percieved danger of social downfall. He's been a coward, his entire life... until... THE moment he runs into TRUE REAL DANGER.

He steps in front of Jane to save her life. This is THE height of his arc. He cares SO much about his friend, the friend who FORCED him to look DIRECTLY into the eyes of his failure, he would do the one thing he's never done before. Without a second thought, Jake dives for her life, knowing it would kill him.

And that, my friends, is why I think the Jake discourse is silly. He IS manipulative, but he also loves his friends SO incredibly much. He doesn't do it to hurt THEM — he does it to protect himself.

The boy just needs some fucking therapy.

If you made it this far, thank you. As a reminder, I love discourse, but I do not take criticism. Amen, God bless. Go Mets.

#homestuck #jake english #what does this even say holy shit its so long wtf #also these themes continue into the eps and HS2. #his arc kinda goes backwards a bit #but only really for jane #looks at tavros crocker #sobs my lil eyes oit #kisses Jake and his son #i love them

[dashiellqvverty]

i am... so sick of y'all pretending that Jade not putting up with Nate's unsubtle power plays is racism because you think it makes you look progressive. misogyny doesn't become suddenly okay because it comes from an awkward brown man

bro i was asked why i don't like jade and i answered idk what to tell you. sounds like you don't like the nate/jade relationship either though so i guess we're in the same boat there!

you're clearly not interested in like actually thinking about the show on a deeper level BUT for the sake of anyone who is, i do think this topic warrants a little more discussion than i gave it the first time, because i was answering a question about my personal feelings and figured ppl would take that for what it was.

so to be absolutely clear about this: i do not believe jade was intentionally written as a racist character. i do not think the way she is rude to nate is MEANT to read as racist in any way. to be honest, i wasn't thinking about it that way when i first watched it. but these are not real people and everything they do is a choice made by writers, and the way it was written WAS racist. even if you don't want budge on your opinion of jade and how she specifically is written, if you don't see any behind the scenes racism in the way nate shelley and his storylines were written over the course of the show then i don't know what to tell you.

but lets get into it. (under the cut because i have quite a lot to say)

as i said, i didn't initially interpret jade's treatment of nate as racist. when i got to s3 and she showed up again, i remembered NATE being mean to HER and not liking her very much, so i was mainly thinking "why would he want to get with her, and why would she want to get with him?" but, after reading other people's (specifically fans of color) interpretation of the storyline, i went and revisited the episode, and realized that, yeah, she's shitty to him for no reason, in a way that can definitely come off as racist. WE as the audience know nate has been being a dick all season - she doesnt! so what she sees is, as you said, an awkward brown man coming into the restaurant and stumbling through asking for a reservation. now, maybe it's just my own difficulty with social cues, but i don't see anything in that first scene that i would call an "unsubtle power play" - maybe you're talking about the "sorry i was waiting for you to ask if i needed anything," which, imo, is a stretch. i understand where you might be coming from, but... how is this any different than how he might have behaved in season 1? like, i'll admit that i do read nate as autistic which can affect my interpretation of certain things but like... to me thats just him voicing like "ah, sorry i'm being awkward, here's an awkward over-explanation of why." and then the "i know roy kent" thing is DEFINITELY not a "power play", it's him being desperate for something that might work to get the table he wants. like the point of this scene is not to portray him as some kind of power-drunk asshole, it's to show that he's an awkward bumbling idiot who can't be assertive and hates himself for it. i honestly, genuinely, do not see anything in that scene that comes off as misogynistic.

honestly, i don't personally think jade is too awful in this scene, it seems like she's also a bit awkward and not really performing the expected social conventions as a hostess, and if it weren't for the larger context this might not have been so bad. but there's a couple things going on here, for one the look she gives him when he asks for the window table, like he's an idiot for even asking (and please don't argue that he technically doesn't "ask," he says he really wants to make sure he gets it then says its important to his parents. seems like a pretty fucking normal thing to do imo). and then to have her say "okay we can reserve a specific table - in the back corner - but we CANT reserve the window table. we could for someone else, but not for YOU" is like.

again, the point of this scene is to make nate feel bad about himself, and media doesn't exist in a vacuum. the ted lasso writers may like to pretend they're colorblind, and that misogyny is the only problem in the world and racism only exists when its the Topic Of The Day (and never affects nate, apparently) but we live in the real world and can see that nate is a brown man, and in fact the only one on the show. it would be naive, i think, to say that this has nothing to do with nate's arc in s2. given how horribly his arc is executed on almost every level, i doubt this was the writers' intention, but intention isn't everything. the handling of nate's storyline is a topic for its own post, but it makes a lot of sense that nate's race and experiences of racism play into his feelings of insecurity and emasculation (for lack of a better term) as he is being ignored and overshadowed by white men - in fact, it goes a long way to explain a lot of his underwritten motivation. so here he is, walking into a restaurant and being looked at and spoken to by white people as though he doesn't belong, in a scene that is DESIGNED to make him feel bad. even if jade herself isn't intended to be racist, this is part of a LARGER PATTERN of how nate is treated both by the narrative and by other characters.

but wait, i imagine you arguing back, this is only the first sequence, before he decides to go back and be more assertive! what about spitting on the mirror! what about when he makes DEMANDS? what about THOSE misogynistic power plays?

well, jade doesn't push back against those, does she? in fact, she seems to be impressed, as she sort of smirks and goes "okay" in a satisfied voice and gives him the table. the lesson of this episode is that nate being a dick WORKS for him. his problem, we are told, is not that he was a being misogynistic or something, it's that he was too awkward, and if only he stopped being awkward and "made himself big," he would be respected.

on that note, i don't want to gloss over the scenes with rebecca and keeley either. i won't pretend he DOESN'T say anything that is or could be construed as misogynistic (but, be honest with yourself, he's not the only character in the show who says misogynistic things, he's just the only one who's not allowed to be forgiven, apparently). there's the comment about, "oh maybe some of those groupies would be nice haha" (which he immediately feels awkward about and apologizes for), the "dithering kestrel" thing (which is him overcorrecting after being told to be assertive). this is a larger trend with nate, where he is definitely written as making these kinds of comments more often, but it always seems to be something he's trying to do in order to perform a certain kind of masculinity in order to be accepted or respected (not that that would justify these things in real life, but it's important context to keep in mind). and rebecca is like... such a jerk to him in this scene too?? like on top of talking down to him, there's the moment where he's like "well it's different for me" (and does not explain what he means by that, so we are left to assume that maybe he just means because he's small and awkward?) and rebecca is like "well things are hard for me as a woman so i just feel my power girlboss my way through :)" and its like. why can we explicitly acknowledge that she specifically has to earn space and respect as a woman but never acknowledge the situation nate is in as a brown man???

if this was the real world, and these were real interactions between real people, it might be fair to say that hey, we can't dismiss someone's misogyny just because they are also marginalized. but this is not the real world, it is a fiction created by writers, so perhaps you should be asking yourself WHY THEY ARE WRITING THE BROWN MAN LIKE THIS

(i'd be remiss not to link this post again as it definitely informed a lot of my initial thoughts on this subject)

#r.txt #ted lasso #ted lasso meta #nate shelley #nate shelley meta #its nice to flex my close reading muscles lmao can you tell i miss being in film classes? #i dont think this anon warrants this degree of a thought out response but i DO think its an important conversation to have about the show #so like. using it as a jumping off point you know. #i literally got the last ask and was like woof im not qualified to talk about this as well as i'd like to #but if youre going to come at me about it then. i'll put in the fucking work. #nathan shelley meta

[alvamuirinnemorningstar]

Hello to anyone that reads this and relates. I decided to make this blog about my experiences figuring out I have autism. This is my personal experience and understanding of ASD and how I got to where I am through trauma that was inflicted and the masking I was forced to learn to make me “normal”. I am in no way a medical professional and cannot diagnose anyone. I simply want to share my experience in the hopes that it helps someone out there realize they aren't alone and they are valid. So allow me to tell you my backstory.

My journey started when I was younger. I was always weird to everyone around me. I was picked on a lot when I was younger for my imagination and carefree nature. I had a hard time fitting in with the regular crowd as well so friends were hard to find for me because I wasn't into what most girls liked. I preferred playing pretend with action figures and role-playing. So I usually had male friends.

My family is a bit dysfunctional so I was sheltered and not allowed to have a normal childhood. My mother was very cold to me emotionally. I would have outbursts and tantrums when she left anywhere without me. There were a lot of days while in school she couldn't even be bothered to give me lunch money or make my lunch so I went hungry at school until I came home. Even then I learned to make my meals and not rely on her. If I acted a way she didn't like or had a fit she would punish me or threaten me with the good old “do you want me to give you something to cry about?” which made things worse.

As I got older I learned how not to be and how to repress who I am inside. I also made up excuses for her abuse of me. I use to think that it was because she blamed me for ruining her life by having me at a young age. I know now that she deserves no excuse. Abuse is abuse. So I have her to thank for my heavy masking. Once I got to high school I learned how to mimic others' social behavior accents and all so I had a few friends by that time. Some social cues were still a bit hard for me to pick up so I lost many friends along the way. That didn't bother me though. I rather preferred to be alone because people just seemed to exhaust me.

Eventually, I became content to be alone and just let people come and go from my life and accepted it as a normal part of the whole experience. Jobs came and went due to my managers or superiors not feeling as though I was productive enough and needed to be told exactly what they expected me to do each day. I was always considered resourceful and a jack of all trades because I could envision how something worked or how it would turn out. Everything was a bit of a movie playing in my head when I needed to navigate the best course of action. I always thought everyone did this.

After meeting my now spouse and having some very hard conversations and some warzone-sized issues with communication we began some individual therapy. I was then diagnosed with ADHD and my spouse started getting coping techniques on how to communicate with me. After a lot of advice that was ineffective from a therapist and a fair share of blow-ups, her therapist eventually suggested I had autism and not ADHD, or at least not just ADHD. Before this I had already been watching people with my diagnosis vlog about it and soon figured out I related to them. The occasional ASD video would come up in my fyp and I hardcore related to them and attempted to point out similarities and now it could be causing my issue with communication. Of course with the stigma around autism, no one wanted to see it as a possibility.

After the therapist suggested I had autism they started to give my spouse coping methods on how to help me communicate what I'm feeling or how to say something I might take wrongly. With the trauma that I was holding onto and the lack of emotional intelligence, I would constantly think I'd angered someone or did something wrong. I had a very hard time when I thought I did something wrong or that someone was angry with me. I almost made the situation worse every time. I also struggled with explaining my feelings inside because they felt gigantic and chaotic and I couldn't pinpoint what emotion it was. Everything was just so difficult for me and I didn't understand why.

After jumping through therapists and reading self-help articles everything started to come together. I took the certified ASD tests and came away with an idea of what was going on with me and why nothing worked. The test concluded I was on the spectrum and I was very high masking. I had my answers finally. I started to peel that mask off and learned to be comfortable with who I am. We started implementing coping and communication techniques you would use with a child that was autistic and it worked. Why didn't I know this sooner?

I eventually tried to ask my mother about my childhood and what kind of child I was. She is of course road me off and told me the therapist was uneducated and that I wasn't an r-word. This upset me. She completely invalidated me when I finally feel like I can be myself on the outside and not keep it locked in. I didn't let her get me down or change my mind. This made sense to me so who was she to do that to me? She isn't a doctor how would she know better? I continued with coping and unmasking. Knowing I could unmask when I feel safe was hard. It's still a task and it's still exhausting but I'm doing it. I'm finally starting to feel free and I am much happier in my skin so far. I don't know why anyone would ever try to force someone to be normal when we're beautiful just as we are.

#actually autistic #autism #autism spectrum #girls with autism #women with autism #asd