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neukdaez · 8 months

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say my name

rating: explicit

member: euijoo

notes: song-inspired fic, fem!reader, brother's friend, acquaintances to lovers, kitchen sex, praise, unprotected sex, creampie, maki is your younger brother, appearance by nicholas

a/n: my birthday fic for euijoo! i know his birthday's done both in korea and in where i live lol but it's still the 7th somewhere!!!! the song i incorporated into this is deny's say my name, which is a taglish song but i included translations for the lyrics i used here. this is my first full one shot on this account too aaaa so please enjoy!

there's something inherently exciting about doing things you shouldn't do, in meeting people who are bad for you, in sneaking around behind shadows, ducking from sight as the adrenaline pumps through your veins.

your heartbeat is loud, but your footsteps are quiet.

hindi mo ba napapansin, kung ga'no kainit ang hangin? (don't you notice how the air's turned hot?)

we've all had those moments in our lives when we stare off into space, teetering on the edge of doing something incredibly reckless. a lot of us have these moments more than once. sometimes more than once a day. you've had your fair share of internal battles about a risky decision, but this is the first time you can actually feel the suffocation creeping up on you as you rattle off your internal monologue.

but first, you need to find maki and wring his neck.

your brother has a friend. nicholas. and nicholas, in turn, has another friend.

euijoo.

and maki being the outgoing person he is, quickly became euijoo's friend, too. nevermind that nicholas and euijoo are both four years older than maki and are in their junior year of college while your little weasel of a brother is still in high school.

he met them in dance class, apparently. and they're thick as thieves.

so much so that they're in your living room right now, hogging the couch while they watch dance video after dance video on the tv.

this isn't a particularly new scene to witness. maki invites them over at least twice a week, and thanks to your parents' taste for the grander things in life, your living room has more than enough space for a bunch of young men to do their thing.

again, what business two twenty-somethings have in casually coming to a seventeen-year-old's house to hang out is beyond you. but you digress.

because at least maki has the sense to make friends with cute guys.

euijoo stands out to you, in particular. you're not sure why but there's definitely something about him. maybe it's his eyes, round and cute, like little cartoon saucers. or maybe it's his height. tall men are always a plus.

whatever it is, it's what's causing your inner turmoil, the more rational part of your brain fighting it out with the part of your brain that just makes you want to throw yourself at him.

wait, what?

you're at the top of the stairs, in the tiniest tank top you own, and while your lower half is safely covered in your pajama pants, the tight fit around your waist might raise some eyebrows (or catch eyes). the reasonable voice in your head tells you to cover up. you have visitors, for god's sake! but the small, mischievous whisper tells you to fuck it, flaunt it all to your brother's hot friends.

maybe you're overthinking it.

except, you aren't, because you're not blind and definitely not stupid.

nicholas did a double take the first time you met them, eyes scanning over you quickly. he's been tame since then, only greeting you curtly, but with a friendly enough smile nonetheless. then he turns back to his phone, typing away furiously. probably texting a girlfriend.

but euijoo's eyes linger. and while that may not mean anything now, you know that men are simple creatures. sauntering in front of him wearing what you're wearing now will definitely have him looking.

maybe you want him to look.

kalamnan ay unti-unting 'di maramdaman, natitirang konsensya, 'di na rin nadatnan (can't feel my insides, can't find what little conscience i have)

you climb down the stairs, your footsteps emitting soft thuds on the carpeted floor. your eyes stay true toward the direction of the kitchen, but a movement by the couch makes you shift your gaze.

you catch euijoo's eye briefly as he cranes his neck to look at you. you're still walking, albeit a little slower now. you fight the urge to smile when euijoo lets his line of sight fall to your chest.

"hey guys," you greet nonchalantly, breaking eye contact with euijoo. you glance at nicholas this time, sitting alone on the single-seater. he smiles warmly at you, giving a small wave.

maki is too engrossed in his phone to witness anything that's happening around him, particularly with his doe-eyed friend beside him on the couch.

"can you get me a soda from the fridge?" maki calls out to you as you enter the kitchen. you roll your eyes. ugh, little brothers.

you throw the refrigerator door open, snatching the four-pack of sodas. you pull one out for yourself, kicking the fridge shut before heading back out to the living room.

you press your soda to your neck, exhaling at the sensation against your warm skin. you extend your hand between maki and euijoo from behind the couch, handing them the rest of the sodas.

euijoo takes them from you, hand brushing against yours, and god does it feel like a predictable spicy romcom moment.

"thanks," euijoo says in his sweet honey voice. his lips turn up in the smallest of smiles.

"you're welcome," you reply, keeping your expression mostly neutral, raising your eyebrows in acknowledgement.

you turn away, making your way back to the stairs. you start your ascent and just before you disappear into the second floor, you give one final peek over the banister.

euijoo smiles once more as your eyes meet.

---

you still want to wring maki's neck. but maybe also reward him with a fat wad of cash.

it's late into the night and you're sure euijoo and nicholas have left. you heard the front door slam open and shut about an hour ago and you're certain you heard maki enter his room a little after that. so you practically frolicked down into the kitchen, in dire need of a midnight snack. your parents are conveniently off at an overnight business function so no one would give you shit for banging around with the pots and pans.

you're in the process of rummaging through the ramyeon drawer, scrutinizing the different flavors, when you hear a noise behind you. your heart seizes up in your chest as you spin around, bracing yourself against the counter, eyes wide in shock.

"euijoo?!"

the young man stands in the kitchen doorway, clad in what you can only identify as sleepwear of his own. his face mirrors yours, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape.

"sorry, just wanted to get some water," euijoo quickly apologizes, holding his hands out defensively.

you exhale, stance relaxing as you watch him shuffle uncertainly towards the other side of the kitchen. the only thing that stands between the two of you is the kitchen island.

"maki didn't tell me you guys were sleeping over," you point out, ramyeon long forgotten behind you.

"then again, he never tells me anything," you add. euijoo chuckles.

he's retrieved a glass from a cupboard and before you can think further ahead, you reach over to the fridge beside you, ducking to get the pitcher from within.

it's now that you realize that you're practically sticking your ass out for euijoo to ogle at. you nearly giggle at the thought.

you straighten up, turning to place the water on the island. euijoo is leaning over the marble, eyeing you. you're not quite sure how his expression reads, but you smile politely, sliding the pitcher towards him.

"where's maki, anyway?" you ask.

"with nicholas. nico brought his car and they, uh...," euijoo trails off, silencing himself as he pours the water into his glass.

you cock your head to the side. "did you just send my underage brother out to buy alcohol?"

euijoo purses his lips, not saying a word. he clears his throat, seemingly suppressing a smile.

you exhale, pinching the bridge of your nose. opening your eyes, you see euijoo is looking at you over the rim of his glass as he drinks. you stare back, crossing your arms.

"well, i had my suspicions," you declare. "i started around his age, too."

euijoo nods, setting his glass down. "i see where he gets it from."

you narrow your eyes and euijoo looks back at you innocently.

"why didn't you go along with them?" you question, leaning over the island casually. you're still wearing the tank top from earlier and euijoo doesn't hide the fact that he's still looking.

to his credit, there seems to be the faintest blush on his cheeks. so, he's not completely shameless, at least.

"and leave you here alone? come on, i'm more of a gentleman than that," euijoo says, tone easy. he plants his hands on the island, mirroring you as he leans closer across from you.

i wanna do the things i never tried with ya', i wanna hear you say my name now, won't ya'

"that's very thoughtful of you," you supply appreciatively. euijoo smiles.

"the pleasure is mine, _______."

the sound of your name leaving euijoo's lips sends you back to the hypothetical edge, standing over a steep drop into shame.

are you really this kind of older sibling? flirting with your brother's friend, dressed in ridiculously thin clothing, practically laying yourself out on a big, wide, flat surface? you might as well spell it out for him at this point.

"when are they coming back?" you ask, resting your chin on your palm. you're properly bent over the island now. if euijoo had no idea a few minutes ago, he sure as hell knows what's up by now.

euijoo turns his back to you for a moment, placing the now empty glass in the sink. he looks down at you from where he's standing and glances away briefly as if thinking.

"in a bit," he begins, coming around the counter. your breath hitches as you follow him with your eyes, heart thumping as he stops behind you.

you turn, leaning back against the marble now as euijoo watches you. every blink, every time you shift your weight, every breath, it feels like he's taking it all in.

"it's a friday night, so the traffic might be hell out there," euijoo points out. "i'd say that's another twenty minutes or so. give or take."

baby, hindi na makahinga, i'm suffocating pero hindi masama (baby, can't breathe anymore, i'm suffocating, but it's not bad)

"what do you wanna do till then?" you press on, batting your eyes at the man in front of you. one side of his mouth turns up in a smirk.

he's cute enough that it looks almost endearing. but the sparkle in his eye points to something else.

"whatever takes twenty minutes or so to do," euijoo suggests with a raise of his brow. he steps closer and you're almost toe to toe.

i kinda like it, adrenalina'y tumatakbo, dibdib ay kumakabog, sa tubig kinakapos (i kinda like it, adrenaline's running, chest is pounding, running short on water)

you reach out but euijoo beats you to whatever you're trying to do. his hand circles your wrist as he moves even closer.

kalamnan ay unti-unting 'di maramdaman, natitirang konsensya, 'di na rin nadatnan (can't feel my insides, can't find what little conscience i have)

euijoo's other hand lays on your hip. he ducks his head so he's level with your face. you breathe in and euijoo grins.

isang utos mo lang, hindi na mahindian, bae (just one command and i can't say no to you, bae)

in your head, you're cursing how he's so stupidly hot and cute and charming at the same time that you'd have no problem doing whatever it is he wants you to.

"kiss me," euijoo dares, eyebrows rising for a second, as if in challenge.

it's embarrassing how loud you moan once euijoo's lips are on yours. your hands immediately come up to cup at his face and his own palms smooth around your waist, up your back, before descending again to ultimately rest on your ass.

euijoo is a damn good kisser and you can barely keep up with every slide of his tongue on yours and every pass of his lips over your parted ones.

euijoo's hands move to your shoulders, pointer fingers hooking through the thin straps of your top, pulling them down. you gasp against euijoo's mouth, your chest exposed in its near entirety.

you pull back, watching with labored breaths as euijoo tugs the front of your shirt down, letting one of your tits hang out. you bite your lip as he takes ahold of it, squeezing gently. his other hand maneuvers itself beneath the waistband of your pajamas, wriggling under your underwear, before finally finding purchase against the heat between your legs.

it's pathetic, really, how quickly you turn to putty under euijoo's touch. a man you've known for barely a few weeks, pulling at your every string, playing you like a fiddle.

"cute," euijoo murmurs, leaning in to plant a brief kiss on the side of your mouth.

euijoo draws small, tight circles on your clit and you squirm, knuckles white as you grasp onto the counter behind you. you tuck your chin against your chest, squeezing your eyes shut when you feel euijoo tease at your entrance.

euijoo's hold on your breast disappears and instead, he gently handles one side of your face, tilting your head up. you meet his eyes just as he plunges one finger into you.

your eyes flutter shut and euijoo kisses you again, hot and messy and slick with both of your spit. he adds another finger and you whine, hips stuttering against his hand. your knees feel weak and you're convinced they're ready to give out.

euijoo pumps in and out of your slowly, letting your wetness coat his fingers. he curls his digits just as he pushes up and you clench down, a pleasurable heat spreading across your body.

"fuck, euijoo," you whisper. he pulls back slightly, observing your expressions.

"tell me when you're close," euijoo instructs. his voice has dropped, making you shiver.

euijoo picks up his speed, curling his fingers periodically, movements almost calculated like he's done this a million times before. the thought of euijoo being experienced, mastering the ins and outs of this, makes your whole body prickle with excitement.

"c-close," you manage to whimper out.

euijoo maintains his speed but presses harder and harder each time against your spongy walls. you clamp a hand over your mouth as you feel your belly tighten.

"euijoo, i'm gonna—oh my god!"

your orgasm wipes all coherent thoughts from your head, knocking the air out of you in one fell swoop. euijoo wraps an arm around your torso, keeping you upright as you ride your high out on his fingers. he presses his lips to your temple as you start to calm down, chest rising and falling rapidly.

euijoo pulls his hand from your pajamas, holding your gaze as he licks his fingers clean of you. your face burns but you can't look away, mesmerized by the way his lips and tongue move.

don't gotta get emotions if it's okay with ya', but I might fuck around and catch feelings for ya'

euijoo smiles, eyes raking over your disheveled form.

"we better hurry," euijoo speaks up, dipping down to kiss you. you taste yourself faintly on his mouth,

you tug your pajamas and underwear down, letting them fall to the floor. you kick them off to the side, pulling back as euijoo does the same. your eyes travel down to see his cock standing red and angry against his stomach.

"like what you see?" euijoo asks playfully, a hand coming down to stroke at his shaft a few times.

you bite down on your lip, trying to suppress a grin. euijoo chuckles, large hands taking hold of your hips. he maneuvers you to face away from him, your front digging into the marble of the kitchen counter.

you lean forward, letting your front squish against the surface, back arched perfectly. you hear euijoo whistle lowly, a hand smoothing down your back.

"looking good, _______," euijoo compliments, knees knocking against your thighs, signaling you to part them. you adjust your stance, exposing more of yourself to euijoo.

"that's it," euijoo mutters and you feel something poke against your waiting hole.

you let out a mix of a sigh of relief and a choked-up sob as you feel euijoo push in. you crane your neck to see what euijoo's doing and his eyebrows are knit together, concentration on his features as he fills you all the way in.

you see his eyes roll into the back of his head as he bottoms out, hands automatically gripping at your waist, keeping you steady.

euijoo starts moving and your head drops onto the counter. the stretch feels euphoric, euijoo's cock dragging deliciously against your walls.

"euijoo," you whine. his hips snap up repeatedly, pace starting to pick up as he loses himself in your cunt.

"so good," euijoo whispers. "you feel amazing, _______."

you preen at his words, burying your face in your folded arms. the angle lets him hit that spot deep within you perfectly and you already feel the beginnings of your second orgasm creeping up.

you gasp softly as you feel fingers tangling themselves in your hair and you cry out fully when you feel euijoo tug your head back by your locks.

"fuck, come here, angel," euijoo implores, an arm around your midsection as he pulls you against him.

euijoo's holding you up all by himself and you let him, too weakened by the way he's fucking into you.

euijoo's movements quicken, thrusts turning shallow as he ruts against you. you wonder for a moment if it's possible to go mad over cock. the thought is a ridiculous one, but with the way euijoo fucks you, harsh yet contained, with all the finesse and enthusiasm combined, you start to think it might not be too much of a stretch.

euijoo presses his mouth behind your ear, sucking lightly and you shiver, his breath tickling your sensitive skin.

"where?" euijoo asks, voice strained. it's obvious he's holding his release back.

it takes you a second to register his question and euijoo grunts softly, movements now erratic.

"where do you want it, angel?" euijoo repeats.

"inside," you say, walls clenching down as you feel your own orgasm approach. "please, inside."

it doesn't take long for euijoo's hips to stutter, fucking into you at a brutal pace for a few seconds before he stills, spilling himself deep in you. the feeling of him finishing inside sends you over the edge in turn, euijoo's name falling loudly from your mouth.

euijoo lets go of you and you slump over the counter, sweaty and spent. he slowly pulls out and you wince, pushing yourself upright with shaky arms.

"put this on, quick," euijoo reminds, handing you your underwear and bottoms. "before you, uh, make a mess on your kitchen floor."

you blush violently at his words, hurriedly pulling your clothes back on. euijoo does the same, wordlessly putting on his pajama pants.

you make eye contact and a second goes by without either of you saying a word. a moment later, the two of you burst out in silent giggles.

"i'd say that was about twenty minutes," euijoo comments, rubbing the back of his neck, a sudden shyness overcoming his demeanor.

before you can get a word out, you hear the front door slam open, hushed voices carrying through the house to the kitchen.

"_______? are you awake?" maki asks.

you and euijoo exchange a look.

#&team smut #&team scenarios #&team imagines #euijoo smut #euijoo scenarios #euijoo imagines #w: euijoo

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girliestwomaninstem · 6 months

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introductory post (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*

Hellooo <3 I've been on Tumblr for a few years now, however, lately I have become a bit of a slacker in terms of my student and professional life and a lot of y'all have inspired me to get a studyblr + accountability blog to help keep myself in check, focused and driven

🌻 about me ♡

name: tofu

age: 23

pronouns: she/her

zodiac: ⊙ aries, ☽ scorpio, ↑ scorpio

languages I speak: english, hindi, japanese (beginner)

🌻 my favourite subjects ♡

- academic: chemistry, cybersecurity, creative writing, biology, personal finance, physics, discrete math, intro to programming (the easiest part about a cs degree yet daunting)

- non-academic: cosmetic science, psychology, literature, ancient/modern history, physics, astronomy, linguistics

I'm trying to once again pick up hobbies that I used to have as a child, such as reading, singing, gardening, cooking/baking, scrapbooking

In my free time, I love watching asian soap operas, Studio Ghibli, and sitcoms that I'd like to call my comfort shows and video essays related to all my non-academic subject interests

I'm an undergrad student currently enrolled in a computer science/fintech double major and I'm preparing either to enter the workforce or pursue a masters in either quantitative finance or bioinformatics engineering or data science (wow, the existential crisis that came with typing up that sentence). I could also talk more about my interests in the above-mentioned subject areas, or new ones as they come up. My goal is to create a routine for myself that I can actually stick to, and spend each day having learnt at least something, no matter how small. I feel like the only way to achieve that is by comparing myself to my peers (I know that is v toxic but hey it helps). Additionally I really want to learn how to drive this year, learn to crochet and keep up with new technologies, do some art journalling to take my mind off stress.

I'm so excited to meet new people on here and keep myself busy and productive! ❤️

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joesalw · 2 months

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imma rant about something i am sorry. i am a huge conan gray fan. i've been since 2020 when i first heard him on a mutual's spotify playlist. i'm indian and i wasn't on internet before pandemic nor did i used to listen to non hindi songs. i did not know who taylor swift was at the time. i had just heard her name in passing and probably two of her biggest songs (love story, you belong with me)

in 2021 my love for conan grew so much. his music has helped me with so much shit in my life. i also started watching interviews and stuff and he mentioned that taylor was a huge inspiration for him many times. he became besties with liv in 2021 and taylor sent both of them her fearless tv recording (due to which i was introduced to taylor's music)

at this point swifties started using the term 'taylor's children' for conan and olivia and then the whole cruel summer credits thing happened with liv and so many swifties started accusing her of copying taylor with everything she does. she rightfully distanced herself from taylor and as her best friend, conan did too

when midnights came out, an interviewer asked him what his favourite track was. he said something along the lines of 'oh i am on tour right now and i think an album like that deserves to be properly heard. i just haven't had the time to listen to it yet' (nothing to be upset at. he was respectful towards taylor and her music) but oh the swifties went wild. they started unnecessarily trolling him, being racist and homophobic towards him and all that

even now in 2024, whenever he does ANYTHING, swifties make it about him not having heard midnights. it's so annoying atp.

but what will you except from a fandom who were all like father towards joe alwyn when he was still dating their idol. but when they broke up, he is public enemy number 1 "who put her in the basement and didn't let her bejeweled" and their new father is someone when alcohol and anger issues (they are accusing joe of that shit now btw. saying how he was an alcoholic and also accusing him of dv which is so messed up. like always believe victims. but why are they making up rumours of abuse with no proof and no word said by taylor who according to them was abused??)

They expect everybody to kiss the ground she walks on, and if someone fails to do it/ doesn’t do it by choice, they become public enemy #1

#anti taylor swift #swifties dni #conan gray #olivia rodrigo #anti swifties

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heyifinallyhaveablog · 5 months

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This somehow turned out to be really really inspired, albeit, extremely inadvertently. Again, el esta un doodle para mi fin de semana (pardon me showing off my terrible Espanol (again, your resident dreamer, trying a lot of different things)).

A YouTube channel comprising of three of the people I've literally adored and followed through the years started today, as a rebellious force, speaking truth to power in this day and age. The channel, is named 'The Red Mike' l 'लाल माईक (in Hindi, since it is primarily, a Hindi news channel) '. Red being a symbol of the previous news organisation they hail from, and being a symbol for the following, so beautifully spoken by them:

"लाल रंग है, इंकलाब का,

लाल रंग है, उम्मीदों का,

लाल रंग है, प्रेम का,

लाल रंग है, जीवन का,

लाल रंग है, मेरी मां की बिंदी का।"

It goes like this,

" Red stands for revolution,

Red stands for hope,

Red stands for love,

Red stands for life,

Red is the colour of the vermillion that adorns my mother, in all her maternal glory"

Ugh! The mandatory taglist remains:

@chaanv @vidhurvrika @melancholicmonody @bleedinknight @shaonsim @ambidextrousarcher @carminavulcana @demonkidpliz @paneerlajwanti

Also, here's the skeleton:

#mandala #art #artblr #artwork #inksplotch #these are the words spoken by those journalists #Photoshop Frivolities #tagging this as #Mahabharat #too since I hope to make a Mahabharat themed mandala someday when I have a better grip over this stuff #ugh #well #the romantic in me hasn't died yet #yeah yeah I know I know this isn't half as good as the rest of the mandalas are but yeah I tried something

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wen-kexing-apologist · 7 months

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Bengiyo's Queer Cinema Syllabus

For those who are not aware, I have decided to run the gauntlet of @bengiyo’s Queer Cinema Syllabus and have officially started Unit 2: Race, Disability, and Class. The films in Unit 2 are: The Way He Looks (2014), Being 17 (2016), Naz and Maalik (2015), The Obituary of Tunde Johnson (2019), Margarita With a Straw (2014), My Beautiful Laundrette (1985), Brother to Brother (2004), and Beautiful Thing (1996)

Today I will be writing about

Margarita With a Straw (2014) dir. Shonali Bose

[Available on Amazon, Run Time- 1:40, Language: Hindi and English]

Summary: A rebellious young woman with cerebral palsy leaves her home in India to study in New York, unexpectedly falls in love, and embarks on an exhilarating journey of self-discovery.

Cast: Kalki Koechlin as Laila Kapoor Revathi as Shubhangini Kapoor Sayani Gupta as Khanum

___

I would like everyone to know that at the time of writing this, I was still crying about this movie. It is perfection. I literally…I have so much, too much, and yet nothing to say about this film. If you had asked me before tonight if there would ever be a reality where I was nearly in tears over watching a character on screen masturbate, I would not have really believed it, yet here we are. THIS FILM IS PERFECT BECAUSE THEY MADE THEIR DISABLED CHARACTERS ACTUAL FUCKING PEOPLE WHO ARE HORNY, INDEPENDENT (within the scope of their own physical abilities), AND FLAWED HUMAN BEINGS. Like???????? That in my lifetime of watching films the existence of characters with disabilities is rare enough already, and if you get in to the more stigmatized/infantilized disabilities, say for example, having a main character and romantic interest with cerebral palsy, the acknowledgement that they are people with sexual attraction and desire is almost non-existent.

Like, how many power wheelchair users have I seen being a subject of romantic interest? This film does not shy away from any aspect of being disabled, while simultaneously eliminating any and all possible feelings of the film itself being some type of inspiration porn for The Struggles Of Existing As A Disabled Person. This is not a “aww look the able bodied girl falls in love with the quadraplegic man isn’t that lovely?” types of stories. This is a film where disability really just happens to be included and life and the conflicts in the film have absolutely nothing to do with their actual disability or overcoming some aspect of their disability.

The closest we get to Laila and Kahnum’s disabilities even mattering to the central conflicts in the story in my mind, is the implication of the way society has viewed them that has fed in to their own insecurities. A huge part of Laila’s journey is self-love and self-acceptance. Laila is obviously feeling dejected after a round or two of rejections from boys she has been interested in. And then she meets a girl, Kanhum who is blind, and hot, and wonderful, and they start a relationship. At some point, Laila cheats on Kanhum, having sex with a boy from her college, Jared, who she has been crushing on since her first day of classes.

One of the heaviest moments in the film for me was when Laila finally admits to cheating on Kanhum by having sex with Jared one time while Laila and Kanhum were dating. For an explanation as to part of what caused Laila to have sex with Jared, Laila says, to her blind girlfriend “Jared could see me, that’s why” and Kanhum walks away. But here is the thing, this movie trusts its audience, this movie lets the full weight of that admission hang in the air, but doesn’t beat you over the head with what that line is actually saying.

gif by @celluloidrainbow

To me it is clear as day that Laila wanted to have sex with someone that could see her so she could feel desirable in the body that she is in. Kanhum has her own way of seeing, in a beautiful hands hands hands moment Kanhum sees Laila by feeling her body, her face, her lips, and she tells Laila “you’re so beautiful” and she is fucking right. But I can see how Laila, after multiple rejections, may have a hard time believing that someone that does not have the ability to physically see her body [In a similar way to Frankenstein’s creature finally finding kindness and acceptance from a blind man, and being chased away from that warmth by his children when they physically saw what Adam looked like].

And for Kanhum, it is clear how much that line devastates her, because she can see, she can see in the way she has learned how to see, and she sees well enough by feel to know that Laila is beautiful. You can tell how much she is hurt by the implication that Laila needs to have her beauty validated by a “normal” (as the movie names them) in order to believe she is desirable, even after Laila has been in a months long relationship with Kanhum, and they’ve caressed each other, and made out, and fucked. Kanhum’s reaction makes me believe that Kanhum is worried Lalia doesn’t trust her opinions on beauty because she can’t see the way everyone else can. But neither of these insecurities are voiced aloud, they just hang in the air between them instead.

I love how much this movie demonstrates the balance in a family’s relationship to disability. That the film understands that Laila cannot bathe herself, or go to the bathroom unassisted, but on the flip side, Laila is able to help her mother bathe, or warm her mother’s feet. Kanhum needs to have her swim suit handed to her, but she can also help Laila change in to her own swim suit. Laila’s mother cooks for her, because she’s her mother and that’s what she would do anyway, but once her mom flies back to India, Laila is shown cooking meals for herself. And they take the time in an hour and forty minute film to show Laila’s multiple attempts at frying an egg, and all the ways she ends up adapting and improvising in order to make it work. I love that they show the wasteland of broken eggs, that Laila shoves in to a trashcan with a spatula because she doesn’t have the grip strength or range of motion to just sweep those off the counter and in to the trash with her hand.

I love the way that sexuality and disability intersect in this film. When Laila comes out to her mother as bisexual, her mom is pissed and does not speak to her for a day or two, and Laila calls her own mother a hypocrite: “Abnormal. That’s what the world said about [my disability] too. What’s your problem now?” And it’s such a great point, because we are at a time in this story where every aspect of these characters lives are part of their normal, or added accessibility tools are just swiftly adopted in to their lives. Laila is never infantilized, she is trusted to be independent, to live abroad without her parents there, and her mother is about as anxious as any parent seeing their kid spread their wings for the first time would be. Laila has a caretaker in New York that we literally never see, because it isn’t relevant, and every time we see someone taking care of Laila or on the flip, Laila taking care of someone else, there is a level of intimacy to it. Familial, platonic, sexual, romantic, you name it.

gif by @celluloidrainbow

I love the complexity this film is able to build between its characters, especially in the way that Kanhum was deeply wounded and betrayed by Laila, but Laila is still the one that comforts her when she is crying about the information late at night. And Kanhum is the one to hold Laila and comfort her while she cries over the death of her mother.

My only criticism is that they did not hire an actor with cerebral palsy or an actor who was blind for the roles, though Shonali Bose did initially set out to hire an actor with cerebral palsy. But according to the Wiki on this, there were no actresses with cerebral palsy in India, and the woman Bose wanted to play Kanhum initially, is blind, but was uncomfortable with the sexual elements of the film and opted to act as an advisor to the actress who ended up playing Kanhum. Kalki, who plays Laila, spent a lot of time working with Bose’s cousin to learn the physicality and speech patterns of people with CP.

By/For/About

I would say for me with this one, it is not For the queers, but it is CERTAINLY FOR DISABLED PEOPLE. Like you can tell the writer has some very personal experience with disability from the depiction of disability itself in the film. But, Shonali Bose wrote and directed this film as a result of a conversation with her cousin, who is disabled, where she talked about her desire to have a normal sex life.

Favorite Moment

gif by @celluloidrainbow

Literally every single one, every time Laila had sex, every time she flirted with a hot boy, every time she made music, every time she smiled, every moment of sexual tension between Laila and Khanum.

Up until the very last scene I would have said that my favorite moment was when Laila is dancing with her family the night she leaves for NYU. It’s just so full of warmth, and love, and joy it made me so happy. But then.

BUT THEN I GOT TO THE LAST SCENE, WHERE LAILA TAKES HERSELF OUT ON A DATE AND I BURST IN TO TEARS!

Hands down that is my favorite moment. Laila looks absolutely stunning with a new hairdo, and a fancy dress, and she’s sitting in front of a mirror, cheersing her reflection with her margarita with a straw. It made me so happy, this understanding that Laila loves herself, and is committing to loving herself. GOD IT’S SO GOOD AND KALKI WHO PLAYS LAILA HAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SMILE AND HER EYE SHINE IS OFF THE CHARTS AMD GAH IT’S UTTER PERFECTION.

Favorite Quote

Again, I have a couple. Laila, upon having her professor say he found someone to type for her: “Actually, I can ty-” *sees the hot boy that would be typing for her* “That would be wonderful”. Yeah girl, get it.

Laila, trying to come out to her mother: “Mom, I’m bi,” // Her mother: “Am I any less of a bai (maid)?” Ah good old multilingual problems used for comedic effect.

But, ultimately, I had to settle on:

“This is scary for me. It’s wonderful, but so scary,”

Because, I love me a good, candid conversation around how it feels to be queer, to embrace that queerness, and to know that eventually you will have to share that queerness with others (aka potentially come out to your parents). I also love it because I didn’t really see a struggle for self-acceptance around Laila’s sexuality. She is having a good time, being cute with her girlfriend all the while she is trying to figure out what her sexuality is. I just love when I don’t have to see a character struggle with realizing they are queer, and being scared feels like a natural part of being queer, and having to acknowledge that queerness to others, especially if you don’t know how they are going to react is, can confirm, terrifying.

Score

10/10

this is my favorite film in the syllabus thus far.

#queer cinema syllabus #margarita with a straw #everyone should watch this movie

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rangpurcity · 1 year

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India's young star Yashasvi Jaiswal takes inspiration from a special tattoo, specializes in scoring a double century

India’s young star Yashasvi Jaiswal takes inspiration from a special tattoo, specializes in scoring a double century

new Delhi. Yashasvi Jaiswal has made a great debut in the new season of Ranji Trophy. The matches of the second round of Ranji Trophy (Ranji Trophy 2022-2023) started from Tuesday. 20-year-old Yashasvi played a big innings against Hyderabad while playing for Mumbai on the very first day. Yashasvi, who had scored a double century in first class cricket, however missed out on scoring a double…

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diahsthings · 8 months

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Obey Me

Dress continues

Satan, Beel, and Belfie x reader

Warning: self indulgent fluff with hints of smut. No editing. I just free styling I guess. Yolo. It's shit. 😂 I'm high. It's the best inspiration.

Satan

Was "patiently" waiting for you. He knocks right at the time you promised.

"come in." You call. Satan opens the door and he pauses to take you in. You took good breath away. A slight blush across his face.

"mc, I am bewitched." He cleared his throat. "You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”

Cue swooning from a quote from "Pride and Prejudice".

You do a twirl for him.

Green for him

This time it was your turn to be shocked. Satan was blushing as you looked him over. The way he looked at you. Adoringly. You were the only one that The Satan. The Avatar of Wrath. Was this soft with. He walked closer. Shutting the door behind him.

He was admiring the details. The effort you went through to look like this. Ethereal. Beautiful.

"मैं अपनी ज़िन्दगी दोबारा जी सकता तो तुम्हे और जल्दी ढून्ढ लेता|." You smile waiting for the thoughtful look in his eyes. He was a lot closer than you realized.

"Hindi?" He asked quietly.

"yes" you peer up at him.

"Tell me what it means."

A coy smile. "If I were to live my life again, I'd find you sooner."

"I love you." Taking your lips in his.

Beel

It's Beel. He will be excited but it won't drive him crazy. He likes a surprise. And he's honestly fascinated that the dress is from the human realm.

You had explained it was part of your culture. This style of dress. That you would try to color coordinate with him. Red.

OMG it was the best color ever. You were going crazy.

Your boyfriend was the best boy ever. And being able to wear a red dress with him. Wedding thoughts. Dreams. Family man.

You meet him in the kitchen. He was grabbing some last minute snacks before the celebration. "Bee?"** You call to him. He looks up out of the fridge just in time to see you walk in.

He almost chokes on his food. OMG you are his world.

Idk but one of these looks would be perfect. I can just imagine looking so tiny next to him. Looking absolutely fire together.

"you're beautiful." He finishes up with what he was doing. Then walks over to you. Big grin. He loved so openly. Best boy. How old is he? 1,000+.

Kissing but trying to be gentle with you. He didn't want to mess up the outfit. Or your hair and makeup when he would want more and more.

Belphie

He is curious but he will pretend he doesn't care at all. He is dying. He tries to find out by pretending to sleep. But nothing.

"We're going to match. I brought something for you. It's like pj's. I'll meet you in the attic after I'm ready. I'll wake you up." You sigh hoping he would get dressed. He did have a few hours.

He was a brat but you loved him.

Getting dressed and hoping to surprise your boyfriend.

Purple. Belphie was enjoying his soft new PJs. And he could leave in these. Lucifer couldn't get mad at him. He could wear PJs and be at the celebration.

Now intrigued on what you could be planning he is awoken by your voice saying his name. Sitting up to see your look. Pretending to be annoyed

This was it. Stars and it's soft? And purple?!? You know his hand will be on that bare back.

"You're handsome Belf." Standing next to the bed he was sitting on. "Lucifer is going to just love your traditional outfit."

You two laugh at your plan to just annoy Lucifer. Such a silly couple.

Getting ready to go and having Belphie whisper "I'm staying with you all night. No one is allowed to touch what is mine."

Okay. That turned a lot longer and I have no idea if it's good but I had fun so. Yay.

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the-ninja-legacy-whip · 2 years

Photo

So, finally, we’ve finally got some semblance of a map for Legacyverse Ninjago. It takes inspiration from like, every map iteration I could possibly find (the obvious iconic dragon-shaped one, the one from Shadow of Ronin, the Ninjago Movie’s map, etc.) buuut everything’s been shuffled a bit to fit my own purposes >:3 (the left side is a base map, the right side is how each Province compares to the others)

Take everything you know about Ninjago’s locations...and throw ‘em in a fire! (Also buckle up cuz it’s a long one)

General Info:

So after Time Began and the island of Ninjago was split in half, only the Light Island persisted, and with more unknown, unbalanced forces out there that not even the FSM could fend against all at once, the FSM called upon the help of the friends who taught him the Four Core Elements to help him watch over all corners of Ninjago, along with sending out members of the Elemental Alliance to watch over things. Each of those “corners” was divided off into a Province, with some of those Provinces being more populated, while others were much harder to inhabit due to the terrain. But, over time, people began to grow and adapt, and in this fine 21st Century, there’s a variety of people living all over the island!

Due to the variating wide-spread nature of Elemental Descendants, some places have specific cultures surrounding the Elements. This plays into the spoken languages as well. New-Form Ninjagon is the universal language in all regions (which is a blend between the symbols of Old-Form Ninjargon yet spoken similarly to English), but individual places have their own secondary languages as well. Any areas that aren’t explicitly labeled are either unexplored, uninhabited, disputed over which Province it fully belongs to and thus have no claimed name, or too uninteresting to qualify as a full landmark.

Northern Province-

Overview: The Northern Province encompasses the uppermost parts of Ninjago, consisting of mainly cold, snowy climates that range from dense forests to frigid fjords to frozen peaks. At the very crown of Ninjago in the Northern Ocean sits the Ice Fortress, where the North’s Guardian Eirlys once kept the Shuriken of Ice under tight wraps. Not a lot of people live in these parts, not going much farther than Birchwood and the outer Glacier Barrens, but if avoiding civilization is your goal, then this is your place to go!

Guardian: Eirlys (The White Wolf) Common Elemental Descendants: Nature, Smoke, Sound, Mind, (Ice) Secondary Languages: Mongolian, Welsh, Dutch, Scottish Gaelic, Yupik

Birchwood Forest

Glacier Barrens

Hypnobrai Tomb

Frozen Wastelands

Ice Fortress

Shintaro (Shares with West Province)

Wailing Alps

Blind Man’s Eye

Western Province-

Overview: The Western Province consists of the mountainous and rugged regions to the island’s west. While harboring much less dangerous areas than the other Provinces (save for the Desert of Doom), and is the second-most populated Province, the harsh and unpredictable terrain still makes it difficult to settle outside of the region’s main cities. In the westernmost point sits the Caves of Despair, where Ruamoko primarily keeps to himself while guarding the Scythe of Quakes, until he is needed elsewhere.

Guardian: Ruamoko (Gorilla of the Quake) Common Elemental Descendants: Nature, Shadow, Metal, Gravity, (Earth) Secondary Languages: Somalian, Russian, Indonesian, Turkish, Hindi

Western Range

Caves of Despair

West Haven

Mountain of a Million Steps / Constrictai Tomb

Jamanakai Village

Wildwood

Blackwood Forest

Metalonia

Shintaro Mines / Heart of the Mountain

Desert of Doom

Echo Canyon

Glimwillow Woods

Holy City of Domu

Eastern Province-

Overview: Primarily consisting of either scorching desert or places constantly pestered by storms, the Eastern Province doesn’t have much in a way of population, but the space is used for several significant locations, such as an amusement park, a junk yard, a prison, and a external power station for Ninjago City. Within the Thunder Belt on the far east edge of the region sits the ruins of an ancient floating city, from within Tawhiri watches over the area with a...temperamental fist.

Guardian: Tawhiri (Octopus of the Tempest) Common Elemental Descendants: Nature, Mind, Sound, Speed, Light, Gravity, (Lightning) Secondary Languages: Arabic, Irish Gaelic, Latin, German,

Haunted Hill / Temple of Airjitzu

Sea of Sand

Mega Monster Amusement Park

Anacondrai Tomb

City of Ouroboros

Scrap N’ Junk Yard

Kyptarium Prison

Thunder Belt

Floating Ruins / Lightning Temple

Crashcourse / Scattered Canyon

Stiix

Dyer Island

Wind Farms Power Station

Southern Province-

Overview: More populated than the East and North but not quite as much as the West and Central, the Southern Province is mostly home to lands that are extremely fertile and rich with resources, due to being almost completely surrounded by water. But there’s also its share of places that could kill a man just by visiting them (such as Torchfire Mountain, the Toxic Bogs, or even the remains of Hono Mizu City). From a small, volcanic island just off the coast of Central’s Ninjago City, there sits not just a Shark Army Base, but also a Fire Temple, and within that temple the Golden Lion Vulcanell once kept the Sword of Fire safely guarded in his possession. Guardian: Vulcanell (The Golden Lion) Common Elemental Descendants: Smoke, Shadow, Poison, Light, Amber, (Fire) Secondary Languages: Mandarin, Japanese, Italian, Bengali, Thai

Ignacia

Coastal Village

Forest of Tranquility

Cemetery of Souls / Fangpyre Tomb

Volcanic Island / Fire Temple / Shark Army Base

Spirit Coves

Toxic Bogs/ Venomari Tomb

Torchfire Mountain Range

Hono Mizu (Northern Half)

Rainbow Valley / Village in the Valley

Central Province-

Overview: Due to housing the island’s capital and despite containing some of the deadliest areas of Ninjago, Central Province houses the majority of Ninjago’s population within Ninjago City alone. Traveling far beyond Central can be exceedingly difficult, as it requires going through either the west’s mountains, the east’s desert, the north’s canyons and cold, or the southern bays (unless you have a flying ship or magically whipped up mech). Not only do people not often travel in or out, but neither does information, meaning that even though some outer places have knowledge of the Elemental Compass (such as Metalonia, Stiix, Hono Mizu, etc), nearly everyone within Central does not...despite the ironic fact that a majority of the Elemental Masters live within the city. Central Province currently does not have a Guardian, and Master Wu has been doing his best to watch over it in the previous Guardians’ stead.

Guardian: Dragon Genesis / Great Devourer (Order of the Ouroboros) Common Elemental Descendants: Surprise, Nature, Smoke, Shadow, Form Secondary Languages: Old-Form Ninjargon, English, French, Portugese

Mountain of Impossible Height / Monastery of Spinjitzu

Ninjago City

Darkley's Boarding School

Hiroshi’s Labyrinth

Primeval’s Eye

Fortress of Fortitude

Vermillion Swamps

Corridor of Elders

Aquatic Archipelago-

Overview: At the very bottom of Ninjago sits the Aquatic Archipelago, the last remaining trace of the once only landmass within the Realm of the Endless Sea. This region doesn’t seem to have a Guardian, but ancient texts from Before Time Began indicate that the FSM left the archipelago to its own devices as a sign of respect for the beings that already lived there, along with the winged-leviathan that formerly ruled the realm...although that beast’s name has since faded with time. Housing the Golden Peaks from which the rest of Ninjago was born form, and the strip of islands housing the protectors/keepers/worshippers of a very ancient, supposedly sleeping sea serpent, those who do still live here are either descendants of those who worshipped Wind and Water, or those who braved through the seas and/or the Toxic Bogs of the south to found the Vagabond Plains (which is where Jesse’s grandmother is from).

Guardian: Wojira (Sleeper of the Deep) Common Elemental Descendants: Water, Amber (Wind) Secondary Languages: Spanish, Greek, Korean, Tagalog, Swahili

Tartarus Trench + Temple of the Sea

Hono Mizu (Southern Half)

Chen’s Island

Storm Belt

Boiling Sea

Merlopia

Golden Peaks

Vagabond Plains

(Tiger Widow Island + The Keeper’s Island are also in this region, but are not on this map due to...not being on any maps normally haha)

I do have plans to do layouts for Ninjago City and the Dark Island eventually, but shh...I need a nap now...

#ninjago #the lego ninjago movie #tlnm #the ninja legacy whip #legacyverse #locations #info tag #content tag #works of mine #art of mine #art tag #and now you see why this took so long #*flops dramatically*#elemental compendium

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firefly--bright · 1 year

Text

laal ishq.

[English - red love. ]

a blooming hearts extra!

jean kirstein x gender neutral!reader

inspired by this song and the new episode. scroll to the end for the symbolisms ;)

warnings : heavy angst, grief, violence and gunshots/wounds. (should be expected at this point) new episode/manga spoilers!!!! i haven't watched the new ep yet (I'm not ready) so it's more based on the manga chapter 132 so read at your own risk!

a/n: i love this song so much it's a Hindi/Bollywood song (back when Bollywood made actually good songs) and i listened to this so much and there's so much symbolism in it that i had to write something angsty :) anyway! i also have exams coming up in like a week so this might be the last fic i post for a while. enjoy!

taglist : @mrsnobodynobody , @a10vely-yutazen .

✿ main masterlist is in pinned navigation! ✿ enter my taglist ✿ fic playlist ✿ fic pinterest board ✿ comments/reblogs/likes are deeply appreciated!! ✿

you heard the gunshot far before you felt it; the final bell. you wondered if all the authors of the books you'd read as a cadet - the ones where the main character gets tragically shot or stabbed only to be healed again inexplicably - had ever been here before. had ever felt death like this, face to face.

death, shockingly, didn't grin menacingly at you like you thought it would. it didn't look over you (not any less than it already had been since the moment you'd joined the scouts), making you feel small and guilty and regretful.

this death; the one you faced with your eyes blown wide and a diminishing heartbeat, felt more like an embrace. in a flash, you caught dark brown eyes and a freckled face looking at you with the same look you've seen a hundred times before. in a flash, a picture of a brown haired girl with her mouth opened wide as if she were about to say something came before you.

it went away before you could grasp it.

but the pain, the blinding hot sensation aimed right at your heart, felt like it would last for eternity. the shape the bullet had cut out might have been a small fracture but it felt like the widest puncture, straight through the organs you had memorized the names of during your cadet days. the inside of your body lined itself up with flames even if you weren't on fire.

is this how sasha felt? her forever smiling face and warm touches did not deserve this pain, you thought. then again, none of your friends did.

in a foolish way, you were glad it was you and none of the others that were left. they were far too important for that. they would have much more of an impact than you would.

the blood dyed your shirt and in a moment of desperation, your hands clambered up to your chest to stop the wound from bleeding out. it was stupid to think that your feeble hands could help this, but you had to try.

(for him.)

you shuddered out a breath, your vision was getting cloudy. you didn't know how you were still standing up-right. you couldn't feel your legs or the way your knees stumbled or the way your hands shook fervently. spots appeared in the corner of your eyes as you looked around, trying to say something.

what would you say? what could you say?

when you've been running away from death for so long, who were you to stop fate with simple words or even desperate pleadings?

your ears were ringing but you could still hear the shouts; your friends scattered across the port as the workers busied themselves trying to weld the fuel tank shut. floch was in a worse condition than you and you wondered if he was still speaking, even after all of this. you wondered if anyone was looking, if anyone noticed your state. even if they did, the sounds of the terrifying footsteps and the tremble of the ground kept them busy.

you whispered out "jean" the best you could without your soul giving out completely, your staggering voice getting lost with the shaking of the earth. barely feeling your knees buckle, you decided this was it.

you would give victory to the death that had chased you for a long time. the death that you pushed aside that day the walls fell, the death that you swung past the day you saved jean and armin from their own fate. countless times, you had fought the cold touch without even realising it's icy breath.

maybe the worst part was that you were still hoping. you had already strapped in your ODM gear like you had done so many times before, hoping this one would be the last time you'd have to resort to violence. you could almost laugh at that thought if it hadn't hurt so much to breathe. you were so fully prepared to fight, to resolve, to hope for better days ahead after all of this. maybe that was your flaw - no matter how much jean convinced you otherwise. it always had been, your head had always been elsewhere, dreaming of a better place while your body carried out its own fight.

you let out a sigh. there was no light that sasha told you about - one of the many tales her grandmother had narrated to her. there was nothing to follow, nowhere to go. you eyes fluttered shut when even the dimness became to bright for you to handle.

flochs incoherent babbling was almost inaudible and jean had to resort to reading his lips rather than try to hear anything. he felt like he was running out of time. hange said something about not being able to give up, and in all honesty, jean wanted to clog up his ears again and close his eyes to hope the same way you did. hope that eren would atleast listen and stop this, hope that after this you'd spend your days together, hope that one day, his friends would share a meal without thinking about war.

his hand wandered to it's left without even thinking, hoping to find yours to link itself with.

jeans brows furrowed when he felt nothing but cold air greet him.

you were right there, weren't you? on his left like you always had been?

he knew you couldn't be lost. you'd be too adamant to help out all the workers instead of view the rumbling from afar, away from all the shouting. you were never one for being lost in violent thoughts, always pushing yourself headfirst with any and all work you could get your hands on as a way of distracting yourself.

jean looked around infront of him, scanning the place. hange followed his confusion.

"where's poppy?" he asked, only to be met with a half-hearted shrugged from the leader.

"sir!" he heard someone shout, a terrified shriek following the sound.

jean stood before he could even think, head whipping around to find the sight.

a pool of blood surrounding a previously white shirt, and gear that could only belong to one of the nine wearing them. the hand his fingers were desperately searching for was now drenched in red.

jeans head whirred with questions. his heart felt like it was burning, a sensation that was new to him. his leg moved him before he could make sense of anything happening.

your struggled breaths met his ears with an ache, and something in his chest shook with so much force, he felt like he would collapse if it weren't for the heavy machinery clinging to his body.

it was only when the soles of his feet touched the blood that jean felt like he couldn't breathe.

a string of curses left his mouth before he could even stop it, and the years spent trying to be a good leader went into the drain as the strong, honest and passionate section commander collapsed next to his lover's body with a clambering breath and shaking hands.

he felt his knees as they hit the ground, the blood - your blood - staining through his pants.

he didn't care about the stains or the status or the stares of everyone around him. you were on the ground in the way that he only had nightmares about; nightmares that you woke him up from, comforting him until his fear subsided.

your eyes are almost closed, he notes, and he wants to slap himself when his brain thinks of how long you laid like this waiting for him.

he didn't waste another second scooping you gently into his arms. you groan weakly as his forearms flex, and he tried not to let the string of curses fall from his mouth. he was pretty sure he was uttering them anyway. he had a bad habit of cursing, a habit you laughed at whenever he did. he cursed incoherently after you first kissed him. he'd remember that laugh forever.

your head nestles in the crook of his arm as he holds on to you and the bitter hope he refuses to let go of. your eyelashes flutter, and he brings his hand up to your wound, cursing his palms as they shake with force.

"no, no, no, no, no, no. please. please." are all the words that can come out of his mouth as he touches his warm forehead against your cooling one.

"it's okay." they croaked out. "we'll meet again."

jean could hear their hope. their usual honeyed tones had lost their light but they still held on to that one last string of bright dreams.

and despite himself, jean smiles. he breathes out shakily onto their paling skin.

jean didn't know if their friends knew about this. jean didn't know if hange was alright, if their promise of protecting them was fulfilled till their last breath. all the loss that occurred in the matter of seconds made jean feel trapped inside a small box, one that only you could pull him out of.

your noses were touching. jean left a kiss to your mouth, fleeting but with all the love he had stored through the years. he adjusted your head so your lips could graze his chest one last time.

a promise, he hoped. his heart would find yours again and love it just the same if not more.

the last time he saw your face was one he refused to remember. he refused to remember your closed eyes and shuddered final breath and pale skin. your body was left on the ground with no real grave to mark it, no-one to remember your body except the years he spent memorizing it.

he was aware of Connie's crumbling presence as both of them boarded the flying boat. the actions jean made in order to get that machine flying were only half registered by his brain. the boat rattled as they sat in silence.

"where... where's (y/n)?" Armin asked. jean flinched for the first time in years.

his face was not tear stricken yet. as much as he wanted to, he could not collapse. no matter how hard his bones begged him to rest, his mind ran rampant and his heart refused to slow down.

the question, however, finally broke him.

his vision blurred as silent tears flowed down his cheeks. his chest felt like it was giving up, collapsing onto itself, and the rattling of the flying boat felt like mere background noise when he clamped his ears with his palms. the underside of his nails was caked in your blood and the thought itself make him shut his eyes tighter than before.

if his friends spoke, he didn't hear it. Mikasa and Connie's presence next to him felt overshadowed by his all consuming guilt.

he wasn't there. he didn't notice your fall before you touched the ground, hell, he wasn't even looking at you when floch shot everything in his blurring vision. jean should've been there, in your place. jean should have been there to spend atleast a few more moments with you.

were you with them now? marco, sasha, and all the other cadets you had befriended while jean stayed stuck in his ways as a teenager? did marco greet you with open arms and sasha greet you with a kiss on the cheek?

he tried to convince himself you were resting now, finally. he tried to tell himself that you were fine, that your friends and fallen comrades would embrace you into the afterlife. but he couldn't.

you were happiest with him, and selfishly, he wanted you here.

that's how it was supposed to be. you promised a large house uphill with two cats and your warm laughter, while he would read the sunday paper and drink his cooled down tea and eat his sugared toast. his mother would visit you on the longer weekends and you promised you'd learn all his favourite dishes - ones he knew you'd like too.

he had a plan. his future was built around you and for you.

what was he supposed to build his future around now? an empty apartment with the lack of a floral perfume in the air with no decor whatsoever? with no-one to make it a home?

Connie's hand rested on his back as jean clutched his head, resting his elbows on his knees.

he knew this was far from over but he craved so badly for it to be done with.

he heard something being spoken to him. Mikasas voice wavered when she spoke, something she had never done before. Armin lost hope before even knowing the answer to his previous question, and Connie's hand had never felt so distant. jean's own guilt outweighed even reiners, and Levi sat in his own silence as he witnessed the fall of two of the people that meant the most to him.

jean felt everything slip away from his grasp. he wished his mother had prepared him for this, but he knew all the training and learning in the world wouldn't stop him from feeling the way he was right now. he knew that even if he did know the outcome of your life, the way it ended right before his eyes, he'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.

he'd love you with all his unshakable might as he's loved you once before and maybe even lifetimes before this. maybe even universes beyond this cruel one.

his eyes opened with a start. his nightmares had been few and far in between, a rare occurence that his body no longer knew how to deal with.

his heart hammered in his chest as he clasped a hand over it, no longer bloodied, no longer as calloused or scarred. the soft weight on his shoulder made him look down in the dim of the night lamp in your shared room.

you laid there, eyes closed prettily, a little drool slipping past your lips. his breathing was still erratic, but you didn't seem to mind it much as you cuddled up to him. your arms wound around his chest, determined to engulf his frame with futile and sleepy efforts.

and despite himself, jean smiled.

you were alive. breathing and warm and clad in his shirt, alive. you didn't need to know about his nightmare, not until a couple days atleast, when it would slip out in conversation. you'd grow incredibly concerned, asking him to wake you up if it ever happened again so you could help him through it. he would shake his head, rolling his eyes and tell you not to baby him to which you'd respond with a slap to his arm.

for now, though, he pushed the thought of his nightmare aside. pressing a kiss to your forehead, he ducked down to kiss the tip of your nose as well.

your lips twitched in your sleep and jean smiled wider.

he finally gave in to the rest his bones so dearly craved.

he woke up the next day fully awake, to the scent of warm tea and sweet toast.

extra a/n! : okay so this song literally translates to what hues love is. it calls love anguished and flawed and i thought it would be very fitting for jean and poppy because after poppy's death, that's how jean felt about love. he thought it was futile, that even after all his efforts in the next life, it would result to the same outcome. the colour of love (laal - red) to me meant the colour of poppies and the blood staining them, and also the love that takes place in Jean's heart in the next universe - the one that he has stored only for you. there's a verse in the song where it basically states that the singer is contemplating whether to grab the moon and change the darkness of the night to the brightness of the day and he made his lover his enemy because he couldn't handle the love that he felt for them. (i haven't seen the movie from which the song is from but this is solely my interpretation) so i wanted to end it with a nightmare-ish sequence where jean wakes up and even if he used to hate nights after poppy died because the bed would be too empty, he loved the nights he spends with you now. the love runs too deep for him to ignore and be your enemy instead, so he (unlike the song) chooses to embrace it with you.

and then there's also a repetition where the singer just says "my name is love, your name is love" over and over again and i just think its what jean feels about you that you are love itself etc etc :)

hope you guys enjoyed this!!!!

#jean kirstein x reader #jean kirschstein x reader #jean kirstein #jean kirstein x you #aot #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan

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