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double--blind · 7 months

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(SPOILERS) Ashley, self-esteem, and starvation

So, I adore Ashley. She's this intensely toxic, vicious, cruel, manipulative girl, and her psychology gives me hella brainworms. Andrew's not the only one whose head I wanna crack open and root around lol. She's thrown away the world just to keep her brother by her side, and she'll continue to do worse and worse for the same reason. She's pretty awful! I've been thinking about why, though. How did things get so bad? How did her soul get so dark?

We don't know everything (I'm waiting for those new eps patiently aND CLAWING AT THE WALLS AND FROTHING AT THE MOUTH but whatevs y'know whatevs I'm normal. I'm fine), yet what information we have been given is bumping around my brain like a DVD screensaver on hyperdrive

It's clear from the start that the roots of Ashley's issues lie in her horrible, neglectful upbringing, but it's hinted that even those outside of her family felt the same abt her. I'm lowkey even betting we'll learn later on that she was ostracized by her peers somehow. However, what's most disconcerting, I believe, is how little she was when the results of this alienation are first made apparent to us (bc kids aren't dumb; they notice this stuff oftentimes instinctively, impossibly young, before they even know what it means to be hated), and how devastating the consequences were.

(There's something decidedly childish abt her dream sequence in the "questionable" route—filled with crayon scribbles and rabbit plushies, the metaphors simplistic yet profound—which really hammers in how these sentiments are things that have made a home in her since childhood. Formative subconscious truths.)

Growing up unloved and noticeably unwanted by virtually everyone around her likely left her with a gaping hole in her heart that she'd spend the rest of her life trying to fill. She'd make friends, but she'd always worry that they'd leave her, that they'd betray her, nothing tangible or weighted enough in their connection to trust in its persistence. Why should she expect otherwise? Not even being bound by familial ties ensures affection if her parents are any indication.

Every lesson she'd ever learned had always taught her this: you are easy to abandon. You cannot love and be loved by virtue of your own worth.

You have to rip their affection from their clenched hands if you want it so bad.

This understanding carries with it an undercurrent of degradation, instilling within Ashley a constant, biting inferiority complex which will never fail to be a source of insecurity. She will always be put last. She was difficult to raise, so her parents gave up on raising her. She was difficult to get along with, so her friends gave up on getting along with her.

It's an odd cycle. She's difficult bc she needs to be to get attention, but bc she's difficult, she can't keep it. Not without having whatever fondness she's managed to cultivate within someone fray at the seams, volatile and prone to collapse, bleeding toxicity.

Hence, her relationship w/Andrew.

By being the only reliable constant in her life, caring for her and keeping her company, Andrew essentially became her only source of happiness, and she's since learned not to bother with anyone else. Still, it's dangerous to keep all your eggs in one basket; since he is all she has, she must protect her place in his life with even greater ferocity, which becomes a torturous ordeal when coupled with her damaged self-esteem.

It's apparent in her quarrels with Andrew that she needs constant reassurance that she is wanted in some capacity or perceived in some positive light (getting pouty when Andrew says he's "stuck with her", needing to hear that she's pretty, needing him to "choose her", wanting him to say he loves her back, etc. etc.), yet her insecurity remains, bc unlike her, he's got options. She doesn't think he needs her like she needs him. He's got a gf, their parents love him, her friends love him. Why would he settle for her? What if someone better comes along? Someone she can't scare away?

Wouldn't he just leave her like everyone else?

Even before getting locked in the coffin of their apartment, starvation's been a constant theme in Ashley's life. She's constantly aching for love, and Andrew's the only one who can feed her. When you're forced to fight for a bite to eat or suffer every moment you hunger, you become ravenous—covetous—when faced with food; you don't want the hunger to return, so you lock down the source of your sustenance, wary of its retreat. Ashley's in a permanent state of intense insecurity, always anxious that the love that gives her life will leave her.

Andrew knows Ashley better than anyone else in the world, and it's obvs to everyone and him how desperate Ashley is for him, but I don’t think Andrew has truly, consciously processed the depth of that desperation. It's there buried in his head somewhere no doubt, but rn, he doesn't operate w/the direct awareness that he is everything. He is brother, mother, friend, and soulmate. He is life and love, air and water, everything that is good in the world—everything that there is to justify existence.

It's heartbreaking, in a way, that it's so difficult for Andrew to convince her of his loyalty. This goes further than his tendency to hide his true feelings, bc when push comes to shove, he's at her beck and call. Objectively, he's hers. She doesn't see that bc all she sees is all the ways she can lose him.

So, she gets bratty. She gets pushy, possessive, territorial. Manipulative. Gets under his skin, guilts him to exhaustion, bc she can't see him staying any other way, bc he doesn't get it, bc it works. He bends to her will, for her sake. For now. It's always "for now", bc he'll start slipping away again, and then it'll get worse. She does worse.

Becomes worse.

#honestly??? it's bc he's everything to her that the decay ending where she shoots him is so messed up #so much sadder #I've got something abt that in my drafts somewhere #it might not see the light of day so I'll just say:#imo she isn't shooting Andy‚ she's shooting Andrew #bc if he's so far gone he'd kill her #then her beloved is already dead #the coffin of andy and leyley #tcoaal #ashley graves #coffincest #character analysis #txt post #this is all my interpretation btw hope no one presumes I'm pushing these analyses as fact #to the ppl who read these ty.... you have my heart...... 🫶

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bitethedevil · 2 months

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Raphael and the Devils Tango

I'm sorry about the awful pun (I'm not).

It's time for more ramblings about Raphael (as always, these are just the connections I’ve personally made. Feel free to discuss, disagree with, correct, or add anything you’d like).

I’ve been doing some reading of the Fiendish Codex II (credits to this awesome post, since that’s the only reason I found out about that book).

There’s a section that details the physiology of devils that I found interesting. I feel like it has been discussed every now and again if Raphael feels any sexual desires or if it is simply a tool for him. Well, listen to this:

“But even though they have no need to reproduce, some devils receive pleasure from engaging in sexual behavior. The more humanlike the devil, the more likely it is to feel sexual desire, often accompanied by a twisted, selfish need for love and affection.”

I think we can all agree that a cambion is definitely pretty ‘humanlike’ compared to some of the other horrible monstrosities in the Hells, especially with their half-mortal heritage. The “twisted, selfish need for love and affection” part especially intrigues me. It makes me think of the whole thing with Hope. Let’s keep going:

“Likewise, sexual intrigue provides a motivation for many of the grudges and alliances behind archducal politics. Like intoxication, sexual behavior, with its destabilizing and even chaotic potential, is reserved as a privilege of the mighty.”

It goes on to explain that things like sex and intoxication (yes, devils can apparently get intoxicated but not by the same means as mortals can) are basically luxuries reserved for the Archdevils. All other devils are expected to not participate in such ‘chaotic’ things, as their whole purpose is basically just to please those above them.

This is where I can imagine Raphael as a young cambion, trying to explore those natural urges, only for his dad to take him down a notch and send him an incubus instead. Someone who can satisfy his biological urges but never love him. Also sort of as a grim reminder that he is beneath Mephistopheles and not entitled to indulge in such luxuries.

I’m obviously not excusing what he has done to Hope, but it just makes me think. The crazy possessiveness and extremes he’s gone to so she can never leave (and so that she cannot be freed). What if its his sick attempt at gaining love from someone rather than just him trying to break her down because he can?

#raphael the cambion #raphael bg3 #bg3 raphael #bg3 #baldur's gate 3

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dilatorywriting · 2 years

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Heroes vs. Villains : The Staff [Part 2]

Platonic GN!Reader x NRC Staff vs. RSA Staff Word Count: 3.1k

Summary: Woe to the Ramshackle Prefect, being caught up in the drama between the Disney Villains and their respective heroes. NRC Staff Version (Part 2: Crewel and Crowley)

ie. Mr. Rogerson has awesome dalmatians and his wife makes even better cookies. Meanwhile, Crewel continues to be an emotionally constipated mess, and Crowley is... himself.

[PART 1] [PART 2] [PART 3] [PART 4]

You were met at the door by a pair of over enthusiastic dalmatians—the chaotically cute duo sending you ass-first to the office floor in a merry greeting that was more of a graceless tackle than anything else.

“You brought Poe and Perdy!” you exclaimed, laughing past the face kisses.

“Well, they’d never forgive me if I didn’t,” Mister Rogerson huffed good naturedly. “Do you know how much this little nutter cried when I came home the other day and he realized you’d been by? Ages, I’m telling you. Thought he was going to pout me into an early grave.”

You squished both of them affectionately and showered the lovely, spotted, beasts with every compliment under the sun.

“Oh! Before I forget…” the professor rustled around in his leather messenger bag and retrieved a neatly packaged pastry box all bundled up in a colorful, twine, bow. You accepted the treats happily and removed yourself from the dog-pile to take your usual place on the well-worn piano bench. “Annie made you some more cookies, seeing as you liked the last ones so much.”

“Did you help?” you asked.

“Hmm? What makes you say that?”

You held up the first treat from the pile—half-singed on one side and squishy with raw dough on the other.

“You caught me!” he laughed, and retrieved a second box. “These are from Annie. Those are my failures.”

“Such horrible lies,” you tutted, dramatic. “Trying to trick an innocent victim into ingesting poison just so that you can keep all the good ones for yourself.”

“Hey, they’re not that bad!” he defended, taking a large chomp out of one of the less charred looking of his creations. Immediately his cheeks went nearly green. “Or… maybe they are.”

You pushed a water bottle in his direction which he accepted gratefully. There was always a stash of them just to the left of his composer’s stand, and another hoard in a conspicuous looking storage cube closer to the piano at which you’d perched yourself. There were more sweets hidden in his desk drawers too, for when something stronger than water was needed to wash away whatever awful thing he’d tried to ingest. You knew where a lot of ‘secret’ things were in this room. It felt nice, to be so privy to all its little treasures.

“You know,” he smiled, finishing the last of his water with a final gulp. “Annie keeps pestering me to have you come by for dinner.”

“I wouldn’t want to impose,” you hesitated, looking around the room where so many of your little odds and ends had already started to accumulate. Empty mugs, the patch that had fallen off your jacket, the thread which you’d intended to use to fix said patch. Just… little footprints showing you’d been by. “Well, any more at least.”

“Nonsense,” Mister Rogerson laughed. “You’re more than welcome! But we don’t mean to pressure you, of course! Especially if you’re busy! Just something to think about if you’d like. Anyways, how has your day been?”

And thus began your afternoon ritual. You would sit and split Annie’s delicious cookies as you rambled about your various grievances. Mister Rogerson would inevitably come and take a seat beside you on the piano bench and start playing some gentle strains of this or that—‘just little things he was working on,’ he’d said. Occasionally you’d accidentally lean on the keys, throwing the whole thing into a cacophonous mess. But he would just chuckle and replay whatever the piano had just screeched, calling it a ‘fascinating addition’ and merrily jotting bits of it into his notes. It was nice. Better than nice. And you didn’t realize just how comfortable you’d become in your daily chitchats until you’d become perhaps a bit too comfortable.

“It’s just been so exhausting. And on top of all the other ridiculous things, I’m so sick of that fact that it’s like my job to be their personal punching bags or whatever when they’re Overblotting all over the place, and—”

The piano cut off abruptly.

Mister Rogerson’s hazel eyes had gone wide, as if he was spooked. Immediately you realized that you’d said something that you should not have.

“There are students at Night Raven College who have Overblotted?” he asked, slow, like he couldn’t even believe the words were coming out of his mouth.

“What? No. Of course not!” you lied, like a liar.

“Kiddo,” he frowned, stern. “You just said—"

“—I mean, no one’s actually Overblotted, Overblotted,” you spluttered hastily, rifling frantically through your brain for every plausible excuse you could cough up. “It’s more that I’ve heard a lot about Blot, and how it becomes a—you know—Overblot. Which sounds really scary, and like something that I never, ever, want to actually see! And it’s just that everyone there is a mess, so I guess I should I have said that I’m more just worried about Overblotting.”

A pause.

“Which, again, I’ve never, ever, actually seen.”

More silence.

“…Ever.”

Mister Rogerson sighed, apparently relieved by your bullshitting, and slumped forward over the piano keys.

“That’s… That’s good. You really scared me there for a moment, kiddo. Overblots are no small matter. They have to be reported to the proper authorities and dealt with accordingly. It’s a whole fiasco, and paperwork and legal proceedings aside, it’s dangerous.” He laid a gentle hand across your shoulder. “I’m just glad you haven’t been anywhere near something like that.”

You swallowed a chunk of wayward cookie, hoping you didn’t look horrifically guilty. But then some other part of what he’d just rattled off stuck in your head and that shame was wiped away by panic.

“They’d be taken away?” you whispered, something unpleasant and nervous curling in your gut.

Mister Rogerson looked down at you with a sympathetic wrinkle to his brow. He squeezed your shoulder reassuringly.

“I know it sounds scary, kiddo. But that’s what we have to do to keep everyone as safe as we can. Does that make sense?”

You thought of Riddle, crying into his hands after years of emotional neglect—and then of the pair of you sitting in the Heartslabyul gardens after all was said and done, eating strawberry tarts with your fingers like little children. You thought of Leona, miserable and bitter as he was, finally breaking after an entire lifetime of feeling like nothing but a failure who slunk about in his brother’s shadow—and then how just last week the beastman had been lounging in the sun with his head in your lap, grouchily demanding your leftovers. You thought of Azul, and his bullies, and his stupid desire to take on the world just to prove he could. You thought of all the friends you’d made, and of just how many of them really needed a goddamn therapist. You thought about them being taken away to who-even-knew-where. Where you’d probably never see any of them again. And where you wouldn’t even know what was happening to them.

General grumpiness with the lot of them aside, your friends were the one, genuine, beacon of warmth in this miserable, cold, new world. Sure, they were all assholes. Mega assholes. But you knew that they’d stand by you through anything—do anything, if you needed the help.

And the idea of giving up on them? Just like that? Because it was protocol?

Your stomach roiled and you set the cookies off to the side.

“I’m sorry if I’ve upset you,” Mister Rogerson frowned, taking in whatever unpleasant expression was no doubt twisting your face into knots. “We shouldn’t talk about it anymore. It’s not a fun topic.” He slid a new page of sheet music across the piano’s sleek, black, shelf. “Here. I started writing this the other day. What do you think?”

Strains of upbeat jazz threaded through the room and Perdy and Poe came over to mouth playfully at your ankles—no doubt begging for crumbs. Soon enough you were laughing along, clapping off beat and making jokes at the expense of his nonsense lyrics. You still liked Mister Rogerson. You liked him a lot. And you didn’t doubt that he was a genuinely kind person.

You’d just… maybe have to be a bit more careful about what you let slip.

“It’s kinda like being in therapy,” you explained to a very frustrated looking Deuce. “Like, how you want to say just enough to get help but not enough for them to throw you into an asylum. You feel?”

“What in the fuck are you on,” Ace gaped.

“See, if any of you actually even knew what therapy was, you’d get it.”

“I still can’t believe that’s where you’ve been every afternoon,” Deuce frowned, poking at his lunch with a consternated sort of look on his face. “Don’t you—I don’t know…”

“What?” you asked.

“Feel horrifically guilty and maybe like you should be burnt at the stake?” Ace complained, reaching over to swipe a fry from your plate. Grim hissed and swatted at his fingers—his little mouth stuffed too full of your half-eaten burger to yell much of anything else. “You’re a traitor, that’s what you are. Prancing around with those goody-two-shoes in their stupid, shiny, building every damn day like a—like a—”

“A frog?” Deuce suggested.

“What, no. Dude—”

“Frogs prance!”

“Frogs fucking jump, you ingrate—”

A heavy box landed on the table with a THUD, sending the quarrelling duo into silence. A mountain of homemade chocolate chip cookies stared back at them, nearly sparkling in their brilliance.

“Yes,” you intoned, stern. “It’s worth it.”

“It’s worth it,” Grim and Ace agreed heartily, already busy swapping their lunches for sweets.

Deuce sighed and reached for his own cookie. “If you’re sure...”

Being called into the Headmaster’s Office was not something with which you were unfamiliar. In fact, Crowley not having summoned you into his gloomy chamber over the past few weeks was more of an anomaly than not. Normally he was hurling new jobs at you left and right—organize this event, Prefect. Pick up my groceries, Prefect. The main hall is looking a little dirty, Prefect. Go stop my students from committing mass murder, Prefect. Maybe your wave of insults had rattled him enough to leave you alone for that little while. Or maybe he’d just been biding his time until he could think of something equally as nasty to say back.

Of all the things you were expecting upon trudging back into that office, a scowling Professor Crewel was not one of them.

You blinked owlishly, taken aback.

“Good afternoon, Professor.”

His lip curled, sour, and you fought the intense and suicidal urge to ask him just who’d pissed in his cornflakes that morning because damn. You hadn’t even done anything. That you could remember. Maybe. And besides, if either of you had any right to be acting all bitter and pissy it was you. Not Mister ‘I Have No Intention of Playing Parent to Anyone.’ The memory had your eyes stinging and your blood boiling all over again. When neither of the men deigned to greet you, you cleared you throat irritably and crossed your arms.

“Can I help you with something, Professor? Headmaster?”

“It has come to our attention that you’ve been sneaking off campus in the evenings,” Professor Crewel declared, with all the civility of an off-grid hermit. “Which I’m certain that you are fully aware is against school policy.”

Crowley just nodded, stiff lipped and robotic, and his silence immediately had you suspicious.

“Well?” Crewel snipped. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

You took a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Then another.

You smiled, icy. “Then I’m sure this is just another infraction to add to my file. Which I’m very sure totally exists. Right, Headmaster?”

Crewel’s dark glower swiveled in Crowley’s direction, and you watched the Old Crow audibly gulp.

“Because of course, you keep proper records on all your students here,” you continued, happy to push your luck. “Especially the ones in special circumstances, and whose documentation is therefore not automatically forwarded to you by their previous schools. Right, Headmaster?”

You’d never seen a more apt demonstration of the expression ‘sweating bullets.’ It was intensely satisfying. Professor Crewel looked like he was heavily debating turning Crowley into a feather boa. After a too-long moment where you were pretty sure you were about to witness a murder, the two-toned professor sighed and turned back to you with a stiff sneer.

“It’s not safe,” he said, and you gaped at him.

“What?”

“It’s not safe,” he repeated, practically grinding his teeth. “What were you even thinking? Leaving Night Raven when you know full that you have no other connections in this entire world! Running off with a complete stranger on top of that.”

“Mister Rogerson isn’t a stranger!” you defended, resentment bubbling beneath your skin. How dare he? Now he cared? Now you weren’t just a leech, or a brat, or—or—No. It wasn’t fair. “And it’s not like I ran off into the woods or something! I’m at another school!”

Crowley slammed his clawed hands down onto his desk with a metallic BANG!

“AH-HAH! YOU ADMIT IT!” he howled. “YOU’VE BEEN GOING TO THE ROYAL SWORD ACADEMY BEHIND OUR BACKS!”

“I left you a note telling you that was exactly where I was!”

“YOU’VE BEEN CONSORTING WITH OUR ENEMY! AND AFTER I’VE WORKED SO HARD TO RAISE YOU AS MY OWN!” He wailed, inconsolable. “ARE YOU TRADING OFF MY GRIMOIRE TO AMBROSE, TOO? WOULD YOU STOP AT NOTHING TO SHATTER MY POOR HEART?!”

“I don’t even know what that means, but I wish I was!”

“Enough!” Crewel snarled, cracking his pointer across the desktop. “Both of you!”

“But he—!” you defended.

“Detention!” he barked.

“What?! That’s no fair!—”

“Detention!” he snapped again. “Three weeks!”

“Are you joking?! I didn’t even do anything!—”

“Four weeks,” he growled.

You pressed your lips shut, feeling your mouth wobble and your eyes warm with frustrated tears.

“Yes, sir,” you finally managed to grit out, and then turned without another word and stormed from the room, slamming the door behind you.

‘That may have been too much,’ Crowley had the gall to say to him, after Crewel had just watched the man have an entire meltdown in his desk chair and accuse you of outright subterfuge.

‘That may have been too much.’

The alchemist had watched, carefully stone faced, as your eyes had welled and you’d glared him down with a look that was a step or two past betrayed. Something tightened uncomfortably in his chest, and he refused to put a name to it. Naming things gave them power, allowed them to grow and spread. Like a tumor. This was all your own doing, and the subsequent punishment was clearly for your own good. So, what? He steps a bit too far and says something that’s perhaps just a bit too cold, and you go running off to—to Cliff Rogerson of all people? Pettiness is not an excuse for making poor, stupid, unsafe, decisions. And he would have certainly responded to any other student in exactly the same fashion.

‘That may have been too much.’

Crewel grit his teeth and fought the urge to run his hands through his hair in frustration. Normally he could use Badun as a stress ball, but he’d stopped bringing the dogs to campus when you’d continued to refuse to show up to his office. It had stressed them terribly, and it was unfair to force them to sit through the same, dull, solitude that he had to endure just on the off chance that you may change your mind and come wandering in. Jasper hardly acknowledged him at all anymore—only grumbled at him miserably when he returned in the evenings before curling up by the fireplace for the rest of the night.

‘That may have been too much.’

It… It really, probably, was. And he really should… apologize, shouldn’t he?

Divus Crewel could deny it all he liked, but he knew well and good that he wouldn’t have treated your classmates in such a manner. That unnamed twinge behind his ribs may have influenced his reaction a bit more than it should have, especially when he himself had so clearly relegated your place in his life to ‘by professional association only.’

So he forced himself to straighten his fur coat and start the trek to Ramshackle. It was a grueling walk, with broken pathways and rivers of mud. No wonder you were always running late to things. Perhaps he should bring this up to Crowley, and—

A familiar face stopped him in his tracks, and a wave of red-hot irritation worked its way through his veins as efficiently and viciously as one of the poisons he was so keen to brew.

“Oh,” Cliff Rogerson blinked back at him, “Divus! Good to see you.” It was not. It didn’t sound like Cliff thought it was either.“No need to call campus security or anything. I’m just here to pick up the Prefect for dinner.”

“Dinner?” Crewel repeated. It sounded bitter in his mouth.

“Annie’s making lasagna,” Cliff stage-whispered, like a secret.

“Can we get going?” you called and Crewel startled, noticing you off to the side for the first time. You looked so… small, for some reason. Hunched, maybe. Just, not your usual larger-than-life self—the Otherworldly Hero who showed up swinging to every fight, always armed to the teeth and ready to duel any monster, every horror. It made something in his gut twist unpleasantly. “I’m starving.”

“Of course, kiddo,” Cliff laughed and tossed an arm across your shoulders.

“How lovely,” Crewel interrupted, trying and failing to force the steel from his voice, “But I think that maybe you should reexamine your professional priorities. That hardly seems appropriate.”

“Oh, come now,” Cliff smiled. It wasn’t friendly. “It’s only dinner. And besides,” he chuckled, and gave your arm a fond squeeze, “Annie and I have always wanted kids.”

‘I have no intention of playing parent to anyone.’

A deep, cold, sort of dread rattled through Divus Crewel’s bones and settled all the way in the pit of his stomach. It was similar to the sensation that had been slowly clawing its way through him these past few weeks—the very same unpleasantness that he had refused to name.

‘You know,’ Crowley’s grating voice swam through his head once more. ‘That really may have been too much.’

#twisted wonderland imagines #twisted wonderland #twst x reader #My Writing #NRC Staff #NRC Staff x Reader #Divus Crewel x Reader #Dire Crowley x Reader #The NRC Staff's Horrible Parenting #Heroes vs. Villains #Crewel x Reader #twisted wonderland OCs #twst ocs #Divus Crewel #Dire Crowley #Heroes vs Villains The NRC Staff Part 2

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notmorbid · 6 months

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garden of earthly bodies.

dialogue prompts from garden of earthly bodies by sally oliver.

do you think this is a mistake?

i think you should say you changed your mind.

do you remember what we talked about?

i have endless stores of self-pity.

i feel less awful than before.

you're allowed to lose it now and again.

i don't mean to be horrible.

you can't adopt someone's pain to dilute your own.

stop being smart with me.

you'll give me a heart attack one day.

you're pushy.

life has a way of revealing the truth to you before it occurs.

how come you haven't said anything?

i wish you'd take things more seriously.

i wish i knew when i was going to die. then i could be ready for it.

i'm relieving you of your conscience, alright?

i don't want to write about it. i don't owe that to anyone.

nobody has seen your face in half a year.

i had a strange dream in the night. you were in it.

you probably won't remember most of it.

you need to look out for yourself. nobody else will.

can you stay in my room tonight? i don't want to be alone.

there's no point in being secretive.

you can't shut everyone out. one day they won't bother.

i don't think i'm really in myself.

i miss you all the time.

are you in any pain?

i'm bored of waiting for everything.

you're almost smiling again.

think more of yourself and less of others.

don't give away your thoughts. you won't get them back.

you don't have to say anything if you don't want to.

i wanted you to love me the same way i love you.

do you believe in god?

what can you not tolerate in others?

what is the quality you least like about yourself?

i love my parents, but i've never understood them.

this is the most alone i've ever felt.

i have to find something to wear.

hospitals manage despair, not disease.

it helps if you're stoned. only, don't do that.

i don't want to leave you if you're so unhappy.

watch the road, not me.

do you visit cemeteries often?

female comradeship is its own religion.

don't pull that sad, serious look you do.

i'm running out of ways to procrastinate.

i could like anything about you.

i wonder if you'll ever hate me.

life is too long and too brief.

i was always going to come home again.

you don't look like you.

you'll get back to feeling like your old self. just let it happen.

i don't even know what it means anymore. to 'be myself'.

i know who you are. i just can't believe it.

i'm not going to make this easy.

nothing is ever as sinister as you think.

i can tell something's not right.

we'll move at your pace.

i miss who i was. i don't feel like the same person anymore.

a life can end and not be over.

you had me. what about me?

#rp meme #rp memes #sentence starters #ask memes #inbox memes #ask meme #horror meme #families

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makeste · 6 months

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BnHA Chapter 410: Kacchan Fights a Baby

Previously on BnHA: Kacchan was born and then he grew up and murdered the Demon Lord.

Today on BnHA: Kacchan fights a baby. Tomura and Deku finally remember that they were supposed to have been fighting too this entire time, and get on with that once again. Tomura is all, “[literally just reaches out and grabs Deku’s face because Deku’s main character powers suddenly abandoned him in a fit of confusion].” Deku is all, “[chops off Tomura’s fingers which is somehow not even in the top twenty of violent things that have happened in this series in just the last five chapters].” Tomura is all “joke’s on you I still got your quirk :D” and fuck me he actually stole Danger Sense, what the fuck.

logically I knew AFO still had to be alive somehow because he’s too big of a villain to go out that easily without a proper sendoff. but deep in my heart, I’m still secretly disappointed

it just isn’t fair, lol. this guy has died more times than Rasputin and he’s still out here scheming his schemey schemes. when oh when will it end

sir you did not just say you had yet ANOTHER unused trump card up your sleeve??

(ETA: the translation isn’t fully clear here, but I think the trump card he’s referring to is the whole “I’ll just go back inside him and join the part of me that was already in there and we’ll take over Tomura’s body again together” plan that he was trying to pull off. I think. if not though, that’s certainly something worth speculating about.)

well as always the psychology in this series is unironically fascinating! he just wants acknowledgement at the end of the day, huh. just wants some love and attention. too bad he was born in a rat-infested hellscape and learned all the wrong lessons and turned into a crazed omnipotent murderlad

also he really did turn back into a baby sdfsdlkjfl oh no. I need to see Katsuki’s reaction to this immediately

oh my lord

(●__●)

lmao this is so incredibly fucked up

ngl though, this is karma at its finest. he tortured and killed so many people trying to earn everyone’s fear and awe and reverence, only to literally blip out of existence at the end with absolutely nothing to show for it

everyone please enjoy this series of panels of a deeply vexed Bakugou Katsuki picking a fight with this slowly melting evil baby

“you think I care that you’re a baby now. you think I won’t fight a fuckin’ baby. let’s do this you little punk”

also I’m sorry but it’s absolutely ridiculous that the gigantic chest wound Tomura inflicted on him got sewed up so neatly lol. AFO’s not the only one who stubbornly refuses to die no matter what

...

just once, it would be nice if Horikoshi didn’t immediately shred my plot nitpicks to pieces mere seconds after I write them

LMAO

BABY AFO DON’T CARE. BABY AFO WILL THROW HANDS WITH ANYONE ＼(｀0´)／

KACCHAN MY BELOVED FAVE OF ALL TIME, ARE YOU REALLY ABOUT TO LOSE TO A LITERAL FUCKING INFANT

WHAT HAPPENED TO “PERFECT VICTORY” LMAO. MOVING THE GOALPOSTS EVEN AS HIS CONSCIOUSNESS FADES. “EH, CLOSE ENOUGH”

-- OH FOR THE LOVE OF --

me: wow it sure is uncharacteristic of Katsuki to just pass out before he properly wraps up this battle

Horikoshi: oh yeah good point, sure would be a shame if someone... IMMEDIATELY ADDRESSED THAT CONCERN ON THE VERY NEXT PAGE

me: ఠ_ఠ

ldskjflaksdjfkds

fdsfsdkf. “SORRY ABOUT THAT, FOR A MOMENT THERE I ALMOST FORGOT TO BEND THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE TO MY WILL”

holy fucking shit. his body was all “um, just a quick reminder that you’re HORRIBLY WOUNDED and have lost like ten gallons of blood and all of your cells are about to call an emergency meeting to shut this thing down before you get us all killed.” and he was all “WHAT WAS THAT?!” and his body was all “oh my GOD, FUCK, OKAY just forget we said anything”

and meanwhile Baby AFO is just lying there all “(◉⌓◉)”

this six-month-old child is truly and sincerely still trying to kill Kacchan while screeching death threats in high-pitched baby talk

this actually would have killed him too, if he’d succeeded in passing out. all that just to be punk’d by a damn baby

you are actually shitting me right now

at this point I’m genuinely not sure which of them has the more powerful angry toddler energy

oh no ffuffkdsfk

meeeeelting. meeeeeeltiiiiiing!!! oh what a world what a world

jesus Horikoshi I am genuinely speechless

... welp

WAIT NO WAY, REALLY?!?!

?!?!?! WAS IT ACTUALLY THAT SIMPLE THIS WHOLE TIME

-- lkjf

three times. three times in the same fucking chapter. I give up. apparently I’ll literally believe anything this man says. does it feel good, Horikoshi. preying on your readers’ hopeful naivete

yeefuckinghaw lmao

GOOD JOB KACCHAN YOU DEFEATED THE EVIL BABY

awwwww

I actually had a theory about this! well more of a wishlist item, really. I can’t remember if I’ve actually posted about it yet or not. but it’s like. you know how Deku and Kacchan are always being really dramatic about holding hands? wanting to hold hands; not wanting to hold hands; being afraid to hold hands; holding hands via proxy, etc. etc.?

and you know how both Endeavor and All Might have each done their own version of the victory pose that Kacchan is referring to here? with each one using a different hand?

so you see, I was thinking that it might be nice. might be a little poetic and all that. if at the end of the fight, Deku and Kacchan did, in fact, hold hands. and then did the victory pose together. and it became like their iconic hero moment. them standing there together. having accomplished their goal and defeated TomurAFO through teamwork. realizing their shared childhood dream. and sharing that moment of triumph with each other and with the world, ushering in a new era of heroes

anyway yeah. I was thinking that might be a pretty good ending. but it looks like Kacchan maybe really is about to pass out here now, lol, so maybe not? anyways time to finally scroll down

-- okay I literally said awww again out loud

what a fucking nerd. I have never felt more fondness for a character in my life

every damn person watching this on the news better have leaped to their feet and started applauding, goddammit. those motherfuckers better be CHANTING HIS FUCKING NAME. all those nagging reporters better be bombarding his phone with calls. those fuckers who deleted his footage from the Shouto interview better be shamelessly leaving him dozens of voicemails acting like none of that ever happened and presumptuously asking when he can free some time in his schedule to visit their studio again. all the heroes who haven’t hugged him yet better be lining the fuck up. that one guy from the post-kidnapping press conference in chapter 86 better be writing a fifty page letter of apology!!

oh hey it’s a random pre-battle flashback mysteriously taking place in Troy “a few days before the battle” even though I thought they only moved into that place the night before the fight

I love how Katsuki immediately narrows his eyes (I assume. we can’t see for sure but that’s the vibe I get) at Jeanist and has to resist the urge to call the police on him for that pun

so Hadou’s wondering what Jeanist is talking about because they already evacuated the civilians, so what else are they trying to protect. and Edgeshot is all, “well obviously we’ve gotta protect everyone’s future,” which is a nice... rearshadowing?? for him saving Katsuki’s life later on lol

and now Mirko is all “get to the fucking point already.” which, same

so Jeanist says that Tomura is an even bigger problem than AFO, because at least AFO doesn’t want to murder everyone on the entire planet. and he concludes with “he’ll probably try to touch the ground and use his quirk.” which is a conclusion that I have to say wasn’t really worth two pages of flashback buildup for, considering that we all figured that out years ago

I’m guessing this is all just some sort of awkward transition back to Deku’s fight now lol

and now we’re getting two pages of exposition on how long it would theoretically take Tomura’s Decay to spread throughout the city, and then the entire country, yikes

damn. talk about stakes

and now finally back to Deku!!

shoutout to everyone who correctly predicted that Deku was once again talking out of his ass when it came to being out of Gearshifts. we all knew. unlimited supply

wow Tomura way to throw AFO under the bus

the way I recall it, AFO wasn’t the one who failed to kill him back then lol. but go ahead and talk your shit king

DEKU WHAT ARE YOU DOING

holy shit?!?!

like my first thought was “well last time he did this he just tried to steal OFA rather than Decay him, so he’ll probably try that again and it’ll be fine.” only to remember that the AFO inside Tomura is currently permanently(?) out to lunch, and Tomura himself doesn’t give two figs about stealing OFA. so, uhhhh >_>

(ETA: nevermind.)

but then this happened

Deku what the actual fuck

OH MY GOD??!?!

HOLY SHIT

okay. okay, fuck. lemme gather up my thoughts, and then we’ll wrap this up

they’ll never admit it, but you know the other OFA Vestiges secretly resented Shino a tiny bit for being the only one of them to not be gruesomely murdered. bet they all feel guilty for thinking that now

Shino and Banjou also seemed to have this cute little pseudo-rivalry thing going on, so I really feel bad for Banjou now. :/ he looks so horrified in that bottom right panel

gotta admit, I did not see this coming in the slightest. OFA has been this immutable “I do what I want!” quirk for so long that I never thought Tomura or AFO would actually succeed in stealing it, even partially. that shook me to my core

BUT, it’s also really exciting to me because it’s going to make this battle much more interesting if Deku can’t use his get out of jail free card. shit just got way more real and I’m here for it

lastly, so! let me tell you guys my prediction. I still can’t see Tomura being the final villain lol. I just can’t. it feels too anticlimactic. if I’m wrong, I’m wrong, and I’ve certainly botched MANY predictions in the past, but I have not yet learned my lesson from any of it and I will not apologize lol

so here’s what I think. Deku and Tomura battle it out for the next chapter or two, and Tomura snatches up more of Deku’s quirks one by one. we see all of the Vestiges disappearing and the mood gets more and more desperate. eventually we’re down to just Kudou and Yoichi. Deku is panicking, but for some reason Kudou seems even MORE panicked

Kudou/Gearshift eventually gets stolen too, and it looks like this might finally be it for Deku (I have no idea how he’d stop Tomura from Decaying the ground once Blackwhip gets stolen, btw, but maybe Katsuki or someone else interferes in desperation towards the end). but just when it looks like Tomura is finally going to take the last piece of OFA, Deku’s vibes suddenly do a 180, stopping Tomura in his tracks

cut to the OFA Moon Gorgeous Meditation Realm, where Deku and Yoichi are staring at the door -- yes, that door -- in shock. because it’s finally been opened (now that the other Vestiges are no longer there to keep it at bay). and just like that, enter AFO, for the THIRD FUCKING TIME :D :D

tl;dr, HERE’S HOW HORCRUX!DEKU CAN STILL HAPPEN!!! wait where are you all going. wait come back

anyway so wow that was a really bizarre chapter that I truly thoroughly enjoyed, which should probably be a bit concerning. on to the next two week break! (for anyone who’s not aware, Shounen Jump will be on break next week, so yeah.) I’m on chapter 391 now. so close but still so far. the end of the year has gone by too damn fast tbh

#bnha 410 #bakugou katsuki #all for one #midoriya izuku #shigaraki tomura #one for all #bnha meta #bnha theory #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha

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cure-icy-writes · 15 days

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i think the reason i like the murderbot diaries so much is because the dystopia feels very real and relevant in a way that no other "oppressive government fearmongering" has, and because murderbot is such a compelling protagonist.

this is an autistic person who is struggling and angry and terrible at having emotions. it lives in a capitalist hellscape where people are disposable. it's traumatized as hell, but it's easier to consider itself disposable than confront the terrifying reality of personhood.

(it confronts the terrifying reality of personhood.)

it likes escaping into fiction. it has a fucked up relationship with pain and its own body. and it reads so strongly as disability coding to me, how it doesn't see the bullets or the chunks missing as horror but merely annoyance. it's fundamentally different from those around it, in ways that they struggle to understand. (they make a distinct effort to understand.)

this is an autistic person who is not like you, who suffered in ways that you cannot understand, in ways that would horrify you. this is just another tuesday.

this world is not kind. there is legal fine text that destroys lives and there is hereditary indenture and contract labor where you're forced to still pay for preventative medical care out of your paycheck and no one says slavery, but everyone knows what it means.

these people are kind. they will watch your favorite shows to help understand you, they will forge documents to give abandoned people their freedom, they will allow you to be near them because they like you. these people are proof that there's love in the world, and you can come out of your shell if you are ready to see yourself as a person.

science fiction is one of the genres that has the potential to be amazing, but is quite often just plain shitty to disabled people. and, to people in general? "oooooo look how scary it is, people have all their basic needs fulfilled by technology!" when technological advances are what gave housewives the time they needed to actually get jobs and put together the feminist movements, when this new technology that the narrative regards with such disdain could provide disabled people with newfound mobility and independence.

it speaks of a truly dismal view of humanity, the belief that without strict labor under capitalism to keep us all in line, we would just fall prey to our vices. and I think it also speaks to a loathing of one's self, to think that humans are not capable of self regulation, to think that pain and suffering and punishment are somehow moral and virtuous. that humans need to be punished constantly, that suffering will bring them closer to something like god, to something like goodness.

but murderbot doesn't do that. murderbot says, "i have seen humans do horrible awful stupid things. they can't be trusted with weapons or security and they shoot me all the time and it sucks. but they make stories and art. the people in the entertainment media gave me the tools to contextualize my own emotions. they are my coworkers. i don't care about them. i got shot in the back protecting them but i didn't care about them. okay fine maybe i care a little. they're annoying. i'll eviscerate anyone who hurts them. they're mine."

#the murderbot diaries

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luvcryo · 1 month

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Obey Me! Cooking HC's [Dateables vers!]

Obey me! Dateables x Chef!GN!Reader (Luke is platonic ofc!)

Not proofread, all of them could probably be read as platonic

[Brothers Version]

Barbatos

-He's glad there's another competent chef around

-He refuses to let you cook alone when your at the castle

-Even though he deserves a break he insists on helping you

-He understands that cooking is different in devildom compared to earth

-He's the one to go to if you're learning new recipes with ingredients from devildom

Simeon

-Also one to praise you all the time

-He's your biggest fan tbh

-His biggest love language is quality time and what better way to spend time with one you love than to cook with them

-If you two are alone in purgatory hall (you refuse to cook when solomon is there in fear the might ask to help) then he'll turn on some music and just cook with you

-Like Luke, he prefers to bake but he'll make anything you want as long as your happy with it

Diavolo

-He can get you any ingredient you need

-You want some random human ingredient that they don't have in devildom? He'll get it for you.

-Found some strange (probably cursed) recipie that calls for some obscure dangerous ingredient? He actually already has it!

-Its totally not because he overheard you talking about it and immediately ordered someone to get it.

-He never really had to cook for himself so he's not very good bit he knows the basics

Solomon

-As we all know, he's an awful cook

-You tried helping him once against the brother's warnings and it still was just bad

-He's cursed

-He will always ask to help, but if you just keep him away from the food and ask him to wash dishes or something it usually turns out fine

-Give him a few sweet words, tell him he deserves a break and that you'll do all the cooking, and he won't touch anything

Luke

-He LOVES teaching you about recipes from the celestial realm

-Horrible at explaining how to make things but that doesn't matter cause he's adorable doing it!!

-He gets so excited when he gets to "teach" other people

-He prefers to bake but he enjoys cooking as well

-He always says he wants to be as good as you eventually

#teas works 🌸#obey me x reader #obey me x mc #obey me nightbringer #obey me shall we date #obey me simeon #obey me barbatos #obey me diavolo #obey me solomon #obey me luke #simeon x reader #solomon x reader #barbatos x reader #diavolo x reader

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chronicowboy · 1 year

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Its not unusual for Eddie to be quiet for whole shifts. Some days, its just a bad day. One where all the work Eddie has done to get better can only keep him trudging forward step by heavy step. One where all his demons come back at once and try to drag him down. One where Eddie is too busy fighting old habits to join in on the jokes and banter. They've all gotten good at dealing with these days - Buck especially, but that's no surprise when he was there for The Worst Days.

So, its not unusual for Eddie to be quiet, but there's a simmering despair to Eddie's silence today that has Bobby's hackles rising. Its not his usual listless, fatigued quiet. Its a heavy, burdensome quiet. Bobby can't stand it, so he waits until the rest of the team trudge off to the bunks before he corners Eddie in the lounge with two cups of tea.

"You're not gonna let me escape are you?" Eddie sighs, collapsing back against the couch he'd tried to jump up from.

"I'm not holding you hostage," Bobby offers him one of the mugs with a smile, "I'm simply gently suggesting that you talk to someone. And I happen to be right here."

"Yeah." Eddie sighs again, eyes drifting down to the steaming surface of his tea. "What do you think I should talk to someone about?"

"Whatever it is that has you like this." Bobby gestures at him kindly. "You seem heavier."

He doesn't say it, but Eddie looks a lot like he did when Buck was in his coma. Bobby can't help but wonder, what with all the Natalia talk, if its because Eddie thinks he's losing him all over again, in a different way.

"Its nothing..." Eddie shakes his head, averts his eyes. "Just something that old lady from the living funeral said to me and Hen. Something my aunt said too."

"What'd they say?" Bobby prompts gently.

"My aunt said that I'm alone," Eddie mumbles. "Marie said that we all die alone. And, recently, I don't know." Another sigh, a hand scrubbed down his face. "Recently, it feels like time is running out and I can't help but think that when it does, its just a lonely death waiting for me at the finish line."

"Eddie, you aren't going to die alone." Bobby aches for him. Buck may be his son, but Bobby's always seen a piece of himself in Eddie. Its why he finds himself here so often, trying to coax Eddie's heart out of its cage. "You know that there are two people who would never, ever let that happen."

Eddie huffs a bitter laugh, eyes landing somewhere far away.

"Yeah, that's what I thought too."

Bobby is mature enough to admit he flounders a little here. All these talks he's had with Eddie, its always felt a bit like speaking to a brick wall. But now, now he thinks Eddie might have finally understood.

"Eddie," Bobby murmurs seriously, seriously enough to have Eddie meeting his eyes, "its never too late. Never."

"Feels like it might be this time, Cap," Eddie chokes out. He glances down at his tea. "I don't want to be alone."

"Love is a risk," Bobby blurts out desperately. He's never met two men who deserve a happy ending more than Buck and Eddie, and, whilst he can't take credit for how far they've come, he feels a blazing pride that their happy endings are to be found in each other. He can't let them miss out. "Love is a terrible, awful risk. Always. Always. Its never easy. It might be in the end. You might look back one day and think that it was all worth it to end up here. But you're in the today, the now, when the love is horrible and painful and the most difficult thing in the world." Eddie looks up at him with tear-filled eyes, and Bobby's heart breaks for him. "Every beat of your heart is like a punch to the stomach, and you think that maybe it would be easier if you'd never felt the love at all."

"No," Eddie interrupts, shaking his head. "No, there's no way I was never going to feel this.. I'd always end up here."

"That's mighty faithful for someone who doesn't believe in the universe," Bobby mumbles.

"I believe in him," Eddie shrugs helplessly.

"Eddie, you haven't lost him." Bobby lays a hand on his shoulder. "He's just out of reach, but you can get to him. You've done it before. Both of you have. You always make it back to each other. That's your deal."

"I don't know how to reach him this time," Eddie confesses breathlessly.

"You have to take the leap, Eddie." Bobby sighs. "Its going to be terrifying, and it might not all fall into place at once. But one day, you'll look back and you'll be so damn glad you jumped."

Eddie bites into his lip as the first tear rolls down his cheek.

"What if he doesn't catch me?"

"Then, he'll pick you up off the floor," Bobby promises with all the conviction he has. Its the one thing he knows with any certainty in this world. "Eddie, whatever happens, you can't lose Buck. Not completely. And things might change. But think of how it could change for the better."

Eddie smiles to himself, a tiny, wobbly, private thing that Bobby's only caught glimpses of when Buck is around.

"So, I just jump?" he asks.

"You jump." Bobby nods. "You jump, and you hope, and you trust that he'll be right there with you."

"That he'll have my back?" Eddie grins ruefully.

"Yeah, trust that he'll have your back," Bobby smiles right back.

They'll be okay.

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alexlikesairconditioninh · 28 days

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i was never a writter, but the lack of geo content is killing me so here we go

Before you read; i tried to make this as versatile as possible, make it fit for different types of readers and wether or not it follows cannon storyline! The only thing about this is that you and crowe have no romantic interest in eachother and are just friends. (If crowe and geo were pinning for the same person that would be messy and too complicated for me to think of)

NOT PROOFREAD

geo x reader hc:

• its known that geo is rich, and from deryl's account, has bodyguards armed with katanas. while its unclear how often he is accompanied by these bodyguards. He wouldn't heasiitate to have them accompany you too, especially after the movie theater / arcade incident (depending on the route you choose) or if anything similar happened. Especially when he isnt around.

• if you are a shy / quiet person, he will be by your side, not saying much, but the fact that he is willingly spending his free time with you, shows how much he cares about you.

- he will push you out of your shell, he wants the best for you what holds people being too scared to take action. Your shyness could hold you back and he doesn't want you to be hurt by it. When your too scared to speak out he will nudge you to do so, giving you confidence and reassurance, of course he usually ends up speaking up for you anyways. He wont allow others to disrespect you.

• if you are more loud and rambunctious he would pretend to be annoyed with you, but you are close enough to know he genuinely cares about you.

- even though he dislikes rowdy places, he will endure your shenanigans. somtimes you get too out of hand, and this is when he brings you back to earth.

• surprisingly, hes a tad bit better at showing affection through words, he seems— unsure about physical contact. He has daddy issues and his relationship with his mom and hyugo are unclear, but i have a hunch that hes touch starved and never really received affection through touch (or at all).

• he isn't the best at showing affection overall, however it feels as though he does it through acts of service best. If you have an issue, he would try and fix it or help it for you— he can, and will get physical.

• while he is stubborn, and finds it hard to vocalize his admiration for you, he is decent with words of affirmation, of course at the start before you get closer hes silent. He doesn't say lovey dovey things directly, its more in how he speaks. Once he warms up to you, he will speak to and about you with love. He also teases you, just like he does with deryl, your reactions, and laughter mean the world to him. he cares about you— and the rest of his friends.

• I think quality time is a another strong means of affection for him. He’s very busy (at least— I think). He will decline going to the hallows ball even if his friends are going because he has "better things to do". His time is valuable, he will put time aside just to be with you because he loves you, you give him energy and refuel his mental state when he needs energy. Wether it be a date, cuddling, listening to music together (Japanese opera and whatever you like), looking at potted plants, or just being next to eachother, its the highlight of his day.

• speaking of cuddling, he enjoys it, while hes stiff and unsure at first, he will warm up to it. He finds comfort in having you in his arms and making sure your safe. (And later, will enjoy being in your arms). While "i love you" is too hard for him to utter, holding you close to him as a reminder of his love and protection is what he does.

• hes horrible, horrifically terrible at comforting. He wasn't comforted as a child (at least thats what i think...). So its no surprise he doesn't know how to console you, he feels awful seeing you in a depressed state. He would likely seek out one of his friends for advice on comforting you. However, times like these is when he finds it easier to voice his love for you. Even if it isnt really that comforting— "why are you so sad / crying? Was it ____— do you want me to beat their asses?"

🔖 : i was going to add another section about sol and how geo would deal with that, but i just got too impatient and just had to post it!!! So ill write that later ヽ(≧∀≦)ﾉ

#geo oogami #subaru geo oogami #geo subaru oogami #the kid at the back vn #the kid at the back #tkatb vn #katb vn #tkatb geo

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enderwoah · 9 months

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im so unwell about q!pac no its not even funny anymore i need to put him in a terrarium up on a shelf and keep him safe up there. he doesn't deserve any bad thing, ever. i don't even care about "having a good story" or "giving your character a conflict" anymore, nah, no, if ONE (1) MORE BAD THING HAPPENS TO HIM IM GONNA LOSE IT!! IM GONNA START BREAKING THINGS!!!

he's so. sad. hes such a sad character. his insecurities about being useless to everyone are so real and so painful because he's not, all of us know that he's not, but we also completely understand why he feels that way because he's had everyone he loves ripped away from him and he hasn't been able to lift a finger to stop any of it. he's just left to sit in the ruins without any help. he's collateral to all the tragedy surrounding him and the favela 5 in general and he's. tired. not in the way that cellbit is tired (though that works, too). he's exhausted of feeling sad all the time. of crying all the time. of feeling that loneliness that gnaws holes into his bones and settles in the marrow and never leaves, not when richas' bed is empty, not when mike's bedroom has started to collect dust, not when he can't see a real, tangible presence in forever's dilated eyes. the only person he has is cellbit, and he could never ask cellbit to give up what he still has when pac has nothing to lose (and god, how selfless, how kind is that?), so when he figures the only way to get an antidote to the drug is to have the drug itself, why wouldn't he offer himself up? and if that wasn't the only reason he tried to get his hands on it, who could blame him?

maybe he took it first to just feel the effects and understand the angle it took in affecting his mind. maybe he just took it for research. do you think he had slipped by the second time? do you think he took it once and, for a short thirty minutes, found that he could forget about all the sorrow lining his lungs and breathe? do you think reality crashed back onto him after that first try? do you think he was scrambling to take it again, to go back to that...maybe it wasn't blissful ignorance, per se, but willful disregard? do you think he couldn't wait to be submerged so deep that he couldn't think one more time? do you think he was hesitant? do you think he kept promising himself, one more, one more, one more...

god he is so. so sad. i was watching phil's pov, so everything was like a neat little movie for me, and just. cellbit and forever arguing while pac was just sobbing in the background was AWFUL. just. awful. it hurt. (cc!pac was damn good at acting, too, and that DID NOT HELP.) the moment he stepped on the trap i felt like i was hit with a brick. like no, of COURSE we should NOT be putting PAC in a CONFINED JAIL CELL. ALONE. and i know it was for his own good but i still felt so so so sick. the way he immediately curled up in the corner. the way he was crying to himself. the way he instantly answered richas' birthday the moment bad asked for it. the way he got visibly more upset and terrified when cellbit started shouting at forever. what the hell. no seriously what the HELL.

and, like, oh my god, making him the one to solve the antidote? proving that even though he may have fallen to the drug (the drug which was basically created by GODS, by the way, lets be real, the federation is nawt normal), he's still so useful. he's still such an asset. he's smart and he's kind and he's charismatic and he's trusting and he's so so selfless and so so brave and so strong. tubbo put it perfectly. the fact that he's gone through all the horrible awful stuff he's gone through and he's still standing just proves how capable he is. how tough he is. cellbit calling him "my dear." pointing out the fact that he sacrificed himself without knowing he was going to come back. "i'm only afraid of being sad again." "you will be sad again. but you won't be alone." he's so. he's just. he's. im frothing at the mouth. he gave himself up to save the rest of the island from this plague that took one of his best friends and might've taken the entire island if he didn't do anything. under that stress. experiencing that level of loss.

pac is one of the toughest goddamn people on the island and if anyone on that server even dares try to imply otherwise i will do heinous heinous things, mark my WORDS.

#writing a post about q!pac isn't enough i need to inject his character directly into my bloodstream (risus-core)#pactw #pac tazercraft #qsmp #qsmp spoilers #cellbit #qsmp richarlyson #forever #mikethelink #mike tazercraft #god he makes me insane #myyyy baby myy baby #you're my baby say it to me #myyyyy baby mmyyyy baaaaabyyy #tell your baby that iiiim youuur baaaabyyy #iiiiii bet on looosinggg doggsss <- going insane #its him he's the losing dog #drug abuse

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snek-eyes · 10 months

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"...And his grumpy friend, Mr. Crowley." "The demon." "Oh, I suppose that explains the grumpiness."

Okay I'm still thinking, because it's not the fall that made Crowley angry, not on its own, anyway. It's nothing inherent to being a demon. Being an angel again wouldn't fix anything.

It was the flood. It was the flood, and then Job, and Jesus.

The fall sowed the seeds, obviously. But until the flood, it's like Crowley had a bit of hope that things might be different. And the flood is the confirmation that God claiming to love and taking it away isn't just a one time thing. That they're just going to keep doing it, over and over again. And with the shift from the flood to Job, the only thing that's going to change is God isn't going to say sorry anymore, no more rainbows because we're all going to pretend it's hell's fault now.

Pictures beneath the cut:

There's still an innocence to Crawley in Eden. His attitude is… playful. He's kinda bouncy. His questions and his doubt are like, mildly frustrated at best. Overall, a pretty chill demon.

When he first pops up in Mesopotamia, same thing. He's excited to see Aziraphale, to tease this weird angel some more.

And he is bouncy with energy right up until Aziraphale says "Wiping out the human race." And Crawley goes still.

He keeps falling into stunned disbelief, right up until:

And there's the anger. Humans have only been here 1000 years before God withdrew their love.

Now, Job. Land of Uz. About 500 years later. A much more subdued Crawley, monologuing to goats. Projecting on them like he will his plants, but with a little more sympathy. Hey, at least they're getting an answer.

And then Aziraphale shows up, and even after he drops the angelic light show, Crawley...

Doesn't really move? Barely engages with him? Night and day to the last time they saw each other, and being reminded of the flood can't have helped.

The only smiles we see here are these awful grimaces.

I'm going to skip ahead to Crucifixion. Aziraphale is a little bit on his side now. But what does that even mean?

Crowley's back to slithering up behind Aziraphale in a move very similar to Mesopotamia, but way more stiff. Waits to hear whether Aziraphale agrees with this.

They watch the horrible death of a very bright young man, who (like Job) doesn't blame God for abandoning him. Who only asks for forgiveness for the people doing this to him.

Whose death forgives the sins of those who ask for it.

But still not Crowley. Not that he wanted it or anything.

No, Angel, I am what I am, if that bothers you leave me alone.

But he doesn't. And we see Crowley's first real smile in a very long time.

#v watches good omens #crowley #good omens meta #good omens spoilers #good omens 2 #good omens 1 #i'll just be gnawing on the Job flashback forever probably

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emeritus-fuckers · 1 month

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hiii, this request may be hard, but i've been having a hard time dealing with trauma lately, remembering things in the past, so i wanted to ask for some papas and seestor with an s/o who has been sa'd. thank you in advance💗

Hi, please don't worry about the request being hard. This blog is a safe space. And if we can provide you any comfort at all, we will try our best. - Nosferatu

Papas and Sister Imperator SA comfort headcanons

TW: mentions of sexual assault. cannibalism for young Imperator.

Primo (he/him)

He knows. Even before you tell him anything, he can tell from how you're acting. But, of course, he doesn't pressure you, only telling you that if you ever need to talk about anything at all, he will never even think about judging you.

And once you do come to him, he offers you a seat in the comfiest amrchair imaginable and a cup of tea he made himself.

He doesn't rush you. He understands it takes time. And he gives it to you.

Once you start talking, he listens. He doesn't interrupt you. You need time. And he gives you all the time you need.

He'll ask if you're okay with him touching you right now. If you agree, he's gonna hold you tightly until you tell him to let go.

If you don't want to be touched, he'll offer you a plushie he once got on tour instead.

He'll speak softly to you, reminding and assuring you that none of what happened was your fault.

He offers you a few meetings with a really good therapist so you can handle your issues with a professional. He waits outside the room while you have your appointments.

He doesn't look at you differently, he loves you just as much and he will be beside you as long as you need. Take all the time you need to heal. He shall be there, offering support.

Secondo (he/him)

"Amore, tell me." His tone loving but firm. He knows something is wrong, but he didn't want to push you to open. Now you are there eyes red from crying and he just can't watch anymore, he wants to help.

He sits across from you, paints removed and completely serious. "You can trust me with whatever it is." He pauses for a second "if you want to, that is.."

So you tell him. You notice Secondo clench his fist slightly. He makes a mental note to go with his Ghouls and deal with this person. He takes a breath, knowing that soon that person will never hurt you again, and then relaxes. He looks at you with such love and sincerity. "You did not deserve that. You must understand I am angry at the person who did this to you. Never you. I am so sorry that happened to you."

He asks a few questions so he knows how to help you best. "I will help you heal, I promise you amore, no matter how dark the bad times are, I will always be there. We will make the best of the good days yes?"

He also offers to get you the best therapist, but thats totally up to you and on your terms, the offer is always there.

He will take you away on peaceful holidays, if that helps, to your favourite places in the world.

Or he will just stay with you at home and be there for you. If you want to be hugged he will hold you close to him. His embrace feels safe, you know he will protect you and be there for you.

Terzo (he/they)

Terzo is no stranger to trauma and how its effects can linger. He understands it is a long process to heal, some never do heal completely. So when you come to him while struggling with the effects of trauma, he offers his ear if you would like to talk about it.

If you are open to telling them about what is haunting your mind, they will soften immediately. Listening closely to your story and what happened that horrible day. Sitting close and keeping his eyes on you, so you know you have his full attention.

“I am... so incredibly sorry you had to experience such an awful person dolcezza... you deserved so much better than to be taken advantage of like that. May I hug you?”

They will hold you if you’re open to being held in the moment, promising that he will help however you allow him too. He will gently ask questions about any signs he needs to watch for so he knows when to use what kind of help. Some situations you will want to be hugged and touched, but they’re aware in some that might do more harm than good.

He will support you in every possible way on your healing journey…and if the person or people who hurt you so randomly go missing?

He has no knowledge of where they might have gone…none at all.

Copia (he/him)

He can tell something's wrong. But he's not sure how to approach it without making you uncomfortable.

And so, he comes up with a brilliant plan that can't go wrong.

He writes you a sweet note about how much he loves you and how he's always on your side, no matter what.

He then gives one of his rats the mission of delivering the note to you. Said rat stays with you as emotional support as you tear up at the note.

You meet him that same evening an cling to him, sobbing as you tell him what happened.

He's absolutely heartbroken that something so terrible could ever happen to you. Or to anyone, honestly.

He's not exactly sure what he's doing, but he does his very best to organize a nice, safe environment for you.

He tries to offer you simple yes or no choices.

Would you like a snack? Would you like a drink? Would you like to watch your comfort movie with him? Would you like him to hold you? Would you prefer he gives you some space?

He asks around for therapist recommendations and tries to get you an appointment with the best one if you agree.

He's gonna do everything he can to make sure you feel safe and loved. Because you are.

Old Nihil (he/him)

Unlike his younger self he doesn't wait for you to go to him about it.

He can see your pain, Nihil completely adores you and he wants to help you heal.

He knows now to just talk to you about it. He'll never push you to tell him but he does ask you if you are okay, if you need to talk.

Which you do. He'll hold you if you want him too but he also knows that may not help things at all, so he takes his lead from you.

He listens to you talk and nods to show he is listening.

He doesn't ask or push, he just lets you tell him whatever you are comfortable telling him. "It's okay, you can let it all out... whatever you need my love."

"I will do whatever I can, you have me now" He smiles such a warm loving smile. Something about him, the calming smell of incense allows you to relax slightly. You know that for all everyone just sees Nihil as a man way past his prime, you know the real him. This man loves you, he will protect you and he will burn the world down just to save you.

He does all he can to help with your healing, he goes for walks with you, or just spends time with you while you each do your own thing. Everything he can to show that you that aren't alone in this.

Young Nihil (he/him)

It takes you a while to open up to him, you can see how wild he is and how he solves his problems with drinking and parties and so on.

So you just assume he won't be able to help.

But one night you can't deal with it by yourself anymore. You tell him that you need him, that you have to tell him about something. Nihil just nods, he had a feeling something was wrong, he just didn't know how to approach you about it back then. He's terrified of making things worse.

He sits you down on the sofa and sits next you "I know you're suffering, I can see it. C'mon, babe, tell me whats wrong?"

You start to open up to him and Nihil falls silent so you can talk. His expression surprises you, one of total understanding and empathy. While his trauma was of a different kind he can understand the scars it leaves behind and he is actually very empathetic when it comes to those he loves.

"I'm here for you, just tell me what I can do. Babe none of this is your fault, I'm so sorry you had to go through that" He holds out his hip flask and you shake your head and he nods understanding you heal in your way. "I swear to you, whatever I can do to help I will but please don't feel like you have to keep stuff from me. I'm in this with you babe, I'm always going to be here for you." He holds his hand out for yours. He won't be offended at all if you don't take it, he understands, but if you do he'll give it a tight squeeze.

Young Sister Imperator (she/her)

She will have her ghouls hunt down whoever did it to you. Orders them to bring that monster's head, heart and whatever body parts they used to assault you with.

Keeps the head hidden away in her office as a trophy. Burns whatever they touched you with. And the heart? She eats it in a stew served on the bed of mashed cauliflower with a side of roasted brussel sprouts. Usually she eats beef hearts this way, but she's willing to use a different kind of meat if needed.

Her ghouls get to eat the rest of the body while she comforts you. She stays with you, even if it means her work piling up. You'll watch movies, if you'd like. Or listen to music while either cuddling or sitting together in bed.

She'll read to you, let you hold your head in her lap as she plays with your hair, soothing you to sleep.

She's not the best at comforting, but she'll be there for you and do everything in her power to give you what you need.

Old Sister Imperator (she/her)

She reacts in a slightly less murderous way than she would in her youth. When she was younger, she wanted the assaulter done first and foremost. As she got older, she became more calculated and less impulsive. The person who did this to you still dies, of course, but she spends more time with you first.

She asks you if there's anything specific you need and will recommend you the best therapists available.

She follows your lead on how close she gets and whether or not she gets to hold you. The last thing she wants to do is to stress you out.

She makes sure to organize a safe space for you. Pillows, blankets, your favorite snacks and drinks, all of it.

She only allows a handpicked group of trusted Ghouls or Siblings near you if she absolutely has to leave. But if she can do anything to stay with you, she will.

She won't get too close if you don't want her to. But she will be in the room if you need her.

She has your favorite music or movies playing for you.

If you ask her to hold you, she'll keep you in her arms like the most precious treasure. She gives very secure hugs.

Papas I, IV and Sister Imperator written by Nosferatu.

Papa III written by Death.

Papa II and Papa Nihil written by Nyx.

Due to the subject of the post we've decided not to include the taglist or color-coding this post.

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