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basshole-astard · 10 months

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PSA: i keep seeing posts about staying cool in extreme heat that include advice like "gatorade is bad actually!" and "don't drink fruit juice it'll just dehydrate you!" and neither of these are true!

regarding fruit juice: there's apparently a misconception that Any Sugar At All will dehydrate you, and that's simply not true. yes, sugar will make you pee more when consumed in large amounts, but 1) the natural sugar in fruits won't do this to you 2) great news! a lot of fruit juices exist without any added sugar in them! 3) honestly even having a glass of the fruit juice with added sugar won't completely dehydrate you as long as you're also drinking water throughout the day. if its hot you deserve a cold treat of a drink!!! can't go wrong with fruit juice!!!

regarding gatorade: maybe this isn't an every day drink, but guess what: if it's 110F/40C or hotter outside, and you don't have AC, or you're moving around a lot outside of the AC, and you're sweating buckets: that's when you drink a gatorade.

gatorade exists to replenish all the electrolytes (salt) and glucose (sugar) that you sweat out. YES it is meant for athletes to drink during intensive work outs and not necessarily for people who aren't doing that kind of exercise. BUT GUESS WHAT! when you're sweating buckets because you had to walk to the bus in extreme heat, that's intensive exercise. please feel free to drink a gatorade after that! that's its intended use case!!!!

no: neither of these drinks should be a total replacement for water. but drinking a lot of water and then treating yourself to a fruit juice with lunch is a good idea!!! drinking a gatorade becuase you just had to walk for 20 minutes in the heat is a good idea!!!

Please Stop Spreading Misinformation About Drinks!!! It's fine if you drink things that aren't water!!!! Yes you should probably always be drinking water but drinking something else As Well isn't going to hurt you!!!! okay!!!! its fine!!!!!!

honestly so long as you are consistently getting Any (non-alcoholic) fluids in you, you're doing great!!!!!! okay!!!! i love you stay safe <3

#also: drinking A Soda or A Coffee isn't going to completely dehydrate you if you're drinking other fluids tbqh!!!#its fine!!!!! its fine!!!!!#drinks #heat #dehydration #this post exists because i'm mad at misinfo but also #this is for my homies who hate the taste of water and struggle to stay hydrated #because people have told them over and over again You Must Absolute Drink Water And Nothing Else and so they just don't drink anything #listen!! hey!!! whoever told you that was lying!!!!#drinking Any Fluids At All (yes even with caffeine!!) is better than Not Drinking Anything #please hydrate!!!! it's okay if that hydration isn't water!!!!#honestly i tried to be extremely non confrontational in this post but im pretty sure i've seen people suggest flavored water packets #but say no fruit juice ever. and that's insane.#it's all fluids baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#so long as you are drinking fluids you are combatting dehydration #YES water is the best option HOWEVER. if you drink things that aren't water that's also okay! i promise!!!!!!!!

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bleaksqueak · 1 month

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see, ppl can say what they want about the resi 3 remake, but the remake got Mikhail perfect. Also i actually really love weird Puppy Nemesis lmao

#GET OFF OF HIS TRAIN SHITBIRD #ilu grandpa you did your best #I think the remake is fine #there's parts of the original I miss a ton #and parts I am glad are gone #mostly I'm just confused by the rose colored glasses everyone remembers wrt a nemesis that doesn't exist #he was never a random stalker he always had scripted spawns and due to the ps1 limitations the “random” was down to two or three options #with that said re3 remake coming off the heels of re7 with pretty good stalkers like jack and margeurite #and then directly off the heels of re2 with one of the best programmed game stalkers i've ever seen #he's a letdown for sure #I loved the pre-release rumors saying nemesis would chase you into safe rooms #that should have been a real thing #Oh wow is it really time for our regularly scheduled resident evil obsessing??#I wanted to name Nikolai after Mikhail but mercury spatted me with a newspaper and told me I had too many M names #I have had this fondness for hero grandpa for a long time okay #anyway I know that absolutely no one follows me for resident evil so lmao ignore my rambling #it's fine though #because no matter if you follow me for solivaga or homestuck :)#I've fed you resident evil no matter what #what do you mean parts of the harley manor are inspired by the spencer mansion!?#HAHA GOT'EM #what do you mean there's a ton of resident evil refs in soli #RAT STRIKES AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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randomnameless · 4 months

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Fates unironically did the "muhritocracy" schtick better than 3H lol; the vast majority of the playable Nohrian characters are commoners who got into high-ranking positions in the Nohrian army due to being exceptional soldiers and getting rewarded as such, whereas the only commoners on Adrestia's side that aren't turncoats (or fodder soldiers that are stated to exist only in throwaway dialogue from faceless NPCs) are Ladislava (non-character with no screentime, personality or even feats to support that she did anything to help the Adrestian army in any significant way), Fleche (slightly more of a character, still does nothing to help Adrestia), Randolph (does nothing to help and isn't even particularly well-recognized or rewarded for his skills, if him being jealous of his superiors is any indication), and Dorothea (only got to a high-ranking position due to prostituting herself in order to get into Garreg Mach, befriending the crown princess of the Empire, and being made into a general of the Adrestian army due to nepotism from that same crown princess).

What makes it even worse is that Nohr rewarding merit for anyone and everyone, regardless of social class or status, is an irrelevant bit of background worldbuilding, whereas Edelgard wanting to reward commoners' merits is one of her most consistently-repeated ideals, but the only non-nobleborn CF playable character only got so far in life due to (literal) peepee-sucking and nepotism, and even the NPCs are either featless non-characters (Fleche and Ladislava) or complain about not being recognized enough despite his skill/is recognized enough and Edelgard just decided a power-hungry, immoral dumbass was meritant enough to be made into a general in her army (Randolph); shouldn't the order have been reversed? Like, the game where one of the main characters' principle ideals is to recognize and reward anyone who's skilled should be the one to have most of her allies be commoners, whereas the one where the concept of merit is completely irrelevant to the story, themes and characters could have just had the characters be mostly nobles instead of consistently making them commoners just for subtle worldbuilding? It's weird.

Want to see an upstanding posterchild of Nohrian muhritocracy?

Chaos will always topple the ones who don't earn their status. It's folks like you and me who rise to the top. And the way we do that is by cutting down all our enemies.

I won't stop at captain. I will keep on climbing!

I'll be a king someday. I'll make it happen—you wait and see.

More seriously -

It's all about the what is actually rewarded.

I've already joked a bit about it, but basically Randolph and Nopes!Caspar want to demonstrate their muhrit by... invading countries, killing refugees or randoms who returned in their home after being ousted by the Imperial army.

Much muhrit, very uwu.

Take Whodislava, as you mentioned, bar being a named NPC who as less screentime than Kronya and is supposed to be a sad casualty for war, while being the posterchild of Supreme Leader's muhritocracy, we don't a thing about her. What has she done to be granted the rank of general? What are her achievements?

At times I'm pretty sure TS was partly written to laugh and mock FE16, but Avlora is basically in the same situation, save that Avlora has more plot relevance and exists bar being a sign the devs hold that's written "please feel bad about this character you've never interacted with and only has 5 lines of dialogue and is only here to garner sympathy when she dies I mean even Fates!Candace had more presence than her".

Avlora was an orphan, trained under Groma - a famous general - who continued to train even when Groma retired, became Adre- Aesfrost's top general and defeated Maxwell in a duel. We have her story - she came from nothing - her feats - she defeated the strongest warrior in Glenbrook - and the entire meritocracy angle sticks : Avlora was a nobody made general because she kicked asses.

The meritocratic Adrestia NPCs?

Randolph... tries to get muhrit, but fails as we protect people and only laments about his status in his House (as he is fucking killing people to gain more status, like dude, priorities?) - so in way, both Randy and Flèche are imo, counterexemples of Supreme Leader's muhritocracy : Randolph kills peons and invades an orphanage to demonstrate his "muhrit" because, otherwise, without any muhrit, iirc it's implied he and his sister will be demoted to randoms in House Bergliez (even if Flèche is supposed to be younger than Cyril iirc? Like how the frick do you want a kid of 12 to demonstrate her muhrit, else she'll be kicked out of her house?).

Whodislava... dies heroically, at least that's what we're supposed to get from her very "please cry" cutscene when she dies in front of Supreme Leader in Tru Piss - as Rhea and her family + knights tried to retake their ancestral home and she prevented them from doing so - or it's the same nonsense as "we killed Ferdie professor :(", we are supposed to feel bad about people who were fighting alongside a demonic beast when, in FE16, we fucking know what they are.

Since the FE5 banner released earlier this week, FE5 paints "honorable" Reinhardt as a pitiful man, because no matter how honorable or kickass or kind Reinhardt was, when it came to defect to protect children from being kidnapped or stop the general nonsense the Empire was pulling in Thracia... Reinhardt refused to do so, pretexting remaining by Ishtar's side, and when that became impossible, he choose death over rescuing toddlers. His situation is supposed to be compared to his sister's Olwen, who, when she discovers the truth of what is happening in Thracia, ditches the Empire to help Leif rescue the children - and, imo, Amalda (who's not in FEH yet!) who is also, basically, a commander who plays a larger Camus role as in, she tries to appeal to her Lord to stop the child hunts, her Lord tells her to eat shit, and when asked why she still fights and why she doesn't defect, Amalda says if she does so, her knights will be killed + Amalda appears as a NPC allied unit in a map to hunt bandits to save a village.

So, compared to those ladies who defect or try to protect whoever they can protect - their soldiers AND civilians who are being trampled by their own army - Reinhardt who doesn't do a thing and picks "death" is, as Olwen's ending puts it "pitiful".

Back to your ask anon, even if I disgress from the meritocracy angle - Flèche, Whodislava and Randy are such non-entities compared to characters with 6 lines from FE5 that even if they try to pull the "I have to do this for my family" or the "I came from nothing and still help my emperor because I am thankful to her for having raised me from being a commoner to a general", our Adrestians NPC feel very, very flat.

Are we supposed to cry for Hans's failed dreams of becoming a king when we kill him? No, but Randy and Whodislava's deaths are overplayed with so much pathos that the game is basically telling you "and here you should feel bad because they died" but... what is more important, the fact they tried to unlock a lot of achievments to demonstrate their "muhrit", or what the hell they were ready to do to unlock said achievments?

As for Doro needing to befriend people to enter Garreg Mach, remember that Doro, being touted as another example of the muhritocracy Supreme Leader's Adrestia aims to be, had to engage in sex work from a young age, to reach the diva status - which has very disturbing implications, that are glossed over because that's FE16 for you. Are we supposed to believe Doro "worked hard" to be able to catch the eye of some deranged fucks when she was a pre-teen to become a diva - or, as Manu puts it in a support that cannot be achieved in Tru Piss, muhrit alone doesn't work to become a diva, and it's actually a pretty font to hide the "dark" deeds young singers in Mittelfrank have to do to reach the "diva" status?

Minor tidbit though, Doro is famous enough for being Supreme Leader's dearest friend but she isn't promoted to "general" in Tru Piss, she's only BESF who's not, at least in her bio, a general Post TS.

Imo the question you raise is actually relevant to how empty Supreme Leader's muhritocracy's ideal is - in both game Ferdie has to remind her that to build "muhrit" or for commoners to be able to gather "muhrit" as nobles do, they have to start at the same lever, and receive education as nobles do.

IIRC, in Supreme Bullshit, despite their feats, Hubert tells Barney they're only a commoner - not even a worthy commoner like Doro - but a fucking random - when muhrit wise, Barney should at least be named general!

In both games, Linhardt is a general... but we don't see anything from him, bar his tropey "i want to study crests and nap and i dgaf about anything else" traits - if that's all there is to him, how and why the crap was he made general??

Why, it's almost as if "muhrit" is a smokescreen to hide the fact that the one who chooses/picks who gets to be important from who isn't does it on their own terms just like irl

What is merit, really? Who gets to decide what is merit from what isn't? Or who is the "best" at doing things, from another?

It's another instance of, imo, Fodlan's artificial feel, the game raises a question/issue, and starts some smoke about it, but without tackling said issues seriously we're left with "I agree and think starvation shouldn't exist anymore" milquetoast and cliché opinions that give the illusion this game is "very deep" when it's just, a puff of smoke.

#anon #replies #fodlan nonsense #those games are so ridiculous tbh trying to 'tackle' this issue with a spoon #and then people buy the 'see this game tackles this issue'#you won't drill a hole in a wall of concrete with a plastic spoon #Hans represents muhrit as in ok he can kill things dead yay #but morality wise? No matter how many people he can kill in one day he was arrested because there are more important things than #this 'he's the best at killing' muhritocratic angle #Amalda and Olwen defect when they are given the occasion and learn abotu the Empire's nonsense #but when Whodislava and Ferdie (and the BESF in general) side with Baldo'n'Waldi they don't?#And we're supposed to cry about their deaths when they fucking use mutated humans as fodder?#like I'm not following jjk that well #but i'm pretty sure Doro's not supposed to go full sad uwus “we've killed mahito professor :'( ”#FE5 #FE5 bestest game ever #they made me merciless on the Camus archetype lol #I really love Amalda and hope she'll eventually be added in FE heroes #FE16 #Avlora kicked ass in TS and even she has the realisation that the fuck she was doing was horrible #and faces consequences for demosntrating her 'muhrit' by slaughtering people

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thetisming · 10 months

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why the fuck does Obama have tumblr. what are you doing

#i'm kiwi but tbh i'm pretty sure that guy was the best thing to ever happen to america

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ninja-knox-ur-sox-off · 1 year

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Sometimes I feel very sad that I didn’t just focus on one creative skill. I look at my art some days and go I wish I’d spent all my time making only that, because that way it would look better and I’d do more and it wouldn’t matter if I couldn’t write very well because my art would be amazing and I’d be able to make the stuff I really want to and maybe even get a job related to it and I wouldn’t feel like so much time was wasted. And often times it really does feel like you’re wasting time and everything is telling you to just pick something to focus on so it can mean something and you can never seem to pick one of anything.

And then other days I feel like an absolute GOD. Anyone else able to write your own fic and then draw art for it just because you can? Can you make an edit/amv after writing a silly little analysis post on the show/character that is so perfectly on beat and fits the lyrics and with transitions so slapping you get chills while watching? Can you write a short silly ditty on the guitar about how you’re feeling using the eight chords know and belt it out only a little bit off key then do a choppy little animation of your sona singing it?

I may not be the most skilled at all of the above, and it can be a little lonely to be a one man band who doesn’t play half as well as a lot of people out there, but when your power goes out or your wifi dies or you have a day off, everyone else is busy and you’re alone...

you play the best gosh dang music in existence

#knox rambles #feeling some kinda way lately o7 #these kinda vibes come back every once in a while #just gotta remind myself that ten year old me would go insane over the fact I can do what i can do #even if I'm not the best out there I am sure the best me out there #and that's pretty cool #i may only know one strum pattern on guitar and half a dozen chords at best #i may not be very good with punctuation and grammar while writing and I reuse words too much #I may do my art all leaning a little to the left too much and proportioned weirdly #I may export my amv's wrong so they're not on beat or forget good audio that would have made it REALLY great #I may write analysis's that are a little biased and look back on them and cringe a bit #I may only be able to animate the simpliest and shortest things and then go months even years at a time without animating #I may struggle to do animatics for what feels like no reason even if i want to so badly #but I can do all that stuff #I can write i can read and I can draw I can play guitar a bit i can sing I can make animatics animations amv's #and wow that's pretty incredible if you ask me #rambling rambling zero thoughts head empty YEET HGSDFLKJSDF #creative insecurities #they always sneak up on you a bit hglksjdfsdf #pretty safe to say I wouldn't be a creative if I didn't feel inadequate every person to ever create usually feels some kinda way ghsdflk;jsd #lays down #woo #hoping I can get back into the swing of being creative #things been pretty rough at home but I miss making stuff #ANYWAY HOPE Y'ALLS HAVING A FIRE DAY

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jedidragonwarriorqueen · 6 months

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I. I just. Okay.

Wow.

I just . . . Geez Louise

#i mean this show is ruthless but i'm PRETTY SURE they didn't just kill off their 4 MCs (and jaune)#but when yang fell i was terrified bc killing off one of them? i could believe #ren and nora as far as they know just lost another member of their team in addition to their friends #i had to watch penny die AGAIN #i cannot even IMAGINE what winter is feeling right now holy fuck #your home quite literally fell from the sky #you stood up to the abusive man whod been grooming you for years #your best friend died #you watched your sister fall into the void #the last thing your best friend ever did was gift you with magical superpowers #and to top that all off #you're the only remaining authority figure to lead thousands of refugees stuck in the middle of a sandstorm being attacked by monsters #like. what a DAY #i sure do know hot to pick 'em #rwby #rwby spoilers #rwby volume 8

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peridots-pixiwolf · 1 year

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hey guess who is actually and without exaggeration crying over ultrakill

#peridots-nonsense #ultrakill #ok so. i'm emotional right now. this has been stated. what also has been stated is the fact that this is my 2nd playthrough on a new device #first time i finished it was in november and while altars of apostasy does make me pretty sad that's about the limit to ultkill emotions.#it's really funny actually because i was so excited for heresy. i took longer to beat act 2 than i did the first time around cause i wanted #to improve on the levels (p-ranks and challenges and secrets. y'know. still haven't done 5-S yet though). so i had more time to anticipate #specifically. Gabe's rematch. i was THRILLED!!! i don't even know why!!!!! but i never stopped smiling the whole time i was fighting him!!!#it got so bad the first time i got to his second phase that i had to actually pause for the better part of a minute from stimming so hard!!#grinning like an idiot for five minutes straight!!! no fight or game has EVER made me feel that way before.#the hk collector is a fun fight for sure and i sometimes get happy going up against characters i like from any games. however #it fades as i get into the fight. it's never been nearly that grand. i was singing a lot too but sleeping family made it more of a whisper #i ended up spending 24 minutes on it with 58 restarts. and yet i was ECSTATIC the whole time. i can see what it felt like to him now lol #so. instantly on the verge of tears when i beat him. and when i got past the ending cutscene i broke. i love this game so so much...#idk. sure this could've been a text to my friends or something but i do not care you all will hear of this #cause this is the best thing ever actually. brb going to go tear up again though

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disposal-blueeee · 1 year

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gay gay homosexual gay

#this one's REALLY old but i just realized i didn't post it here #it's actually the first vargas related drawing i made !!#it was such a big part of my character development honestly #like i'm so serious rn #one day i just read vargas and the brainrot hit me SO HARD i even got out of my art block #i suddenly just started getting a bunch of ideas to draw i'm really really happy about that #like i don't think i'll ever made this much fanart of something in my whole life #and the best part about this is that there's not really a bunch of people on this fandom #so i know i can do every idea i have because i am 90% sure i will be the first person to do it #and creating my own content makes me so happy #honestly i just posted this as an excuse to ramble about what happened with me when i joined this fandom #about my other drawing !!! i'm finally satisfied with the background i drew #it's almost too perfect !!!!#the thing is that. the location looks. pretty much similar to the place. scriabin died on. chapter 21 #the realization hit me so hard #whatever. if i try really hard i might finish it this week.#scriabin #vargas #edgar vargas #edgar looks so cute adjnsfnnsnfne #and i fell in love with scriabin when i drew him here #just look at him. honestly.#i miss them so so so much #i'm content starved so i keep drawing them

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itsdjover · 2 months

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You know, if chuck made like thousands of worlds with different versions of Sam and Dean that he gave up on when he got bored, who's to say that Steve and Robin aren't an early draft of them 🤷

#stranger things #steve harrington #robin buckley #platonic stobin #platonic with a capital p #supernatural #once again spreading my Steve and Robin are Sam and Dean coded agenda #They'd be the best hunters ever actually #stranger things au #fic ideas #I don't care if this makes no sense with Supernatural's canon I'm pretty sure Supernatural canon contradicts itself all the time

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dear-buttercup · 2 months

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I'm sorry but if you're booping me back, then I'm booping YOU back and then if you boop me back, then I'll be booping you right back and then if-

#i haven't been on tumblr long but I'm pretty sure this is the best thing to ever happen on it :')#BOOPS TO EVERYONE WHOSE POSTS I'VE COME ACROSS AND THOSE WHO I HAVEN'T YET #happy april everyone :)#boops

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tangents-within-tangents · 2 months

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So uh... I did a totally normal and sane thing last night instead of working on my midterm lol rip

And yes, like all things I do apparently, it's comprehensive and organized (by battalion/legion n stuff)

Let me know if I missed any lol

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lesbianlotties · 2 years

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In fics, I always see people writing and joking about how steve used to love robin as like a sort of one off throwaway line and sometimes the reply from robin would be like "gross" or steve would be like "ew dont remind me" in like a teasing way but i actually hate that so i came up with a hc that whenever its brought up, steve would say "and i had GOOD REASON TO LOVE YOU, robbie. I still do, even more than i did that day, but its just a love that looks a little different now." And robin would just start dopey grinning.

(Meanwhile Robin's literal girlfriend NANCY WHEELER just looks between the two dumdums in the background and starts to grin to herself at how sweet the bond is between the two)

GOOD!! THAT'S GOOD!!

i think you're so right. i think we should acknowledge that Steve loved Robin, and i was going to say something else but tbh reading "i still do, even more than i did that day" hits me so hard 😭i mean can you believe that platonic soulmates were invented when these two met?? amazing right??

#i'm pretty sure i read a fic that included a hint of angst about steve still being in love with robin. like obviously he accepted #and respected her as a lesbian but he just couldn't make his feelings disappear in the blink of an eye you know? which i think makes sense?#like he did everything right of course but i want to know how he coped with it all what was his thought process when he realized #'oh this will never ever happen and that's okay but i still love her and moving on takes a little time but i will be her best friend foreve #they're amazing i love them very very much #nancy loves them two. she rolls her eyes and makes a little joke and kisses robin's cheek and sends steve a smile #and everything is good 😭#answered #stranger things #robin buckley #steve harrington #nancy wheeler #st #anon

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synonymroll648 · 1 year

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oooh genderfluidity?

yeah i went to prom and i did makeup which i'd loved the day before when practicing for the real thing, but when i did it i looked in the mirror and felt super dysphoric and washed it off as soon as my partner i wanted to impress saw it.

and then i was like 'hey babe what are the signs of being genderfluid' and they were like 'well i judge it by liking my boobs one day and wanting to rip them off the other' and i was like 'ohhhhh shit you were right back in january when i cut my hair and told you about it and you said what i was describing was just like your genderfluid awakening weren't you-'.

to which they were basically like 'dude you're only just figuring out you're genderfluid??' and uh. yeah. i'm not sure about being genderfluid yet but it would definitely explain some things

#ask #the thing is i can't tell what the hell is going on because i always like being perceived as a boy #but apparently that's just more intense on some days??#pretty sure the word for that is genderflux but idk #there's also how i've basically decided the most female i feel ever is butch #because you were right about butch being a gender in itself #but yeah i'm just. confused as fuck #w/ my gender #people were like 'hey what're your pronouns' at gsa and i stuttered for a solid minute because I Don't Know #he/him is great. fae/faer is swag. i'm warming up to they/them #she/her is mid at best #other days it's just like Please Don't Call Me That Ever I'm Begging You #so i can't tell if it's my gender that's fluid or my dysphoria or both #gendiana jones

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bisaster-energy · 11 months

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think i'd actually rather die than read another fic where the main plot point is cas trying to make up for something "bad" he did

#if I wanted to see cas be ostracized and given the cold shoulder I would just watch the show #obv I stopped reading as soon as I realized what was going on i don't hate read lmao #istg tho fics where it's like ''cas messed up!! im sure sam and dean have never done that before how can he make it up to dean 😔''#like cmon now #it's even weirder in au fics cos in the show cas only fucked up cos he was certain what he was doing would fix smth #Or he was trying to save the winchesters #but in au it's just like. Oh there was a good job opportunity and dean said smth mean so he left FOR 10 YEARS #cas only ever left dean for personal reasons I think when he divorced him in s15 #and that was after dean blamed him for pretty much everything going wrong ever and not showing any sympathy for his dead child #And he STILL came back to the bunker like 2 seconds later lmao #i get that translating things into au is hard but cas leaving for any other reason than he has.to is just so strange to me #just a rant post I'm done now <3 #cas my best friend cas

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gateskp · 4 months

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This is a story followers from Twitter and BSky know, but since I'm getting into Tumblr, I figured I'd share.

I'm very much in love with my best friend from college. He is the unrequited love of my life. I refer to him as The One I Love. And tonight I fell in love with him all over again.

In college, people thought we were dating because we were (and still are) so close. We did have class together every single day for a full semester and then class together multiple times a week for semesters after that. We'd hang out in the bio student lounge and watch TV on his laptop together. I made him a Pokeball birthday cake for his 21st birthday because he is a ridiculous nerd and loves Pokemon (no shade, I'm also a ridiculous nerd). When we had evening classes that ended at 9pm, I'd drive him home to make sure he got home safe and quickly. He made me laugh and smile and enjoy, y'know, living, which was something I didn't always enjoy in college.

We...did a lot of things that could definitely be construed as couple activities. But we were not a couple. Just very close, excellent complements of each other, with a hint of feelings on my part.

Side note: It's actually fairly entertaining to look back on because in our practical lab classes, our professors deliberately paired us up because we worked so well together (the assumption being because we were a couple).

Side note 2: He is a very attractive guy imo, and I semi-jokingly call him a ridiculously hot nerd. I'm queer and fall somewhere in ace land, so I do enjoy admiring him but there's nothing sexual about our relationship. Which I think has helped it in a good way.

He calls me every week and we talk. Like. For 2-3 hours *every week*. This has been going on for literally 2 years. Originally he started calling me to talk about shows we were watching, but now we talk about anything and everything. There's a lot of venting about grad school (we're both PhD-ing) and just...being there for each other. I love it. He listens to me ramble and he tells me stories and interesting tidbits and whatever. It's very give-and-take. Our weekly calls strengthened and cemented my feelings for him.

He knows my feelings because 2 years ago (?? how has it been that long) I wrote him a(n 8 page) love letter conveying my feelings and that led to a very awkward conversation about how feelings were not returned. I still think we use different language to describe similar things BUT ANYWAY. I respect that we don't see things the same way, much as it may hurt. That's what it means to love someone, respecting their feelings and experiences and personhood.

Side note 3: I have this secret fantasy about what our future could look like and I'm not going to let it go until there's no hope at all. He is one of the most important people in my world, and I truly only want the best for him. His health and happiness is tantamount to nothing, and whatever role I play in that, so be it. If he found another person who brought him even a fraction of the feelings he brings me, I'd officiate the wedding myself. What matters more than anything else is that I have my closest friend in my life and we remain close. Whatever it takes...

What's amazing(?) is that our relationship...it's gotten even stronger since then. That conversation was...A Lot...but I think it made whatever we have even stronger. It definitely didn't get worse.

I look forward to to our calls. They're part of my routine, I deliberately set aside this time on Thursday nights for him. I do not allow things to be scheduled for Thursday nights. Thursday nights are for The One I Love and no one else.

When we're talking to each other...I feel connected to another person. The world exists outside of my day-to-day bubble. I feel like...when I talk to him, I feel like there's a person who cares about what happens to me.

One night a couple of years ago I told him about my mental health struggles. It was something I don't think he fully recognised I was dealing with in college. But I was really struggling and having a hard time and I just couldn't pretend everything was okay on the phone. So I asked him if I could tell him, he said yes, so I told him everything. And it was really hard for me to do that, there was a lot of starting and stopping and stuttering (I stutter a lot anyway, this was worse). And at the end of it all, I told him that I knew what I just said was a lot and I understood if he needed some space or didn't want to talk for a while or whatever, because that's how people reacted in the past. There have been people who've decided to stop being friends with me because this is too much, and I understood if he felt that way because it's a lot. I wouldn't hold it against him.

And he just said "I'm still here." He said he wasn't going anywhere. And he hasn't.

More than once I've made self-deprecating jokes because how else does one deal with their terrible mental health and he reminds me that he cares. He has confidence in me when I don't. Once I texted him on a Friday night and told him to tell me something good that happened to him that day because I was having a really tough night and needed to hear something positive was happening in the world. He responded by calling me and being there for me.

We trust each other with things that no one else knows. It means the world to me that he'll tell me things that he won't tell anyone else, and I will take his secrets to the grave. Trust is...complicated for me. But I trust him. He won't hurt me. It's something I've had to really come to terms with, here is someone who I can be vulnerable around who won't hurt or manipulate me.

Last year I saw him for the first time since 2017 and it was like no time had passed at all. We spent 4 days together. I took him to see his first Broadway show, Hadestown, which was the only show he's ever been really eager to see. He took me to see SPACE at the Illuminarium because he knows how much I geek out over space, how awe-inspiring I find it. He talked me out of dropping $700 on a Flash comic, which was extremely wise. I tried and failed to cook, which he doesn't let me forget. He got me hooked on anime, which was apparently his deviously secret plan all along (which shocked me but I absolutely love it). I "made" him split half a gallon of Blue Bell ice cream with me because I hadn't had it in years (it took 0 effort, the man has no control when it comes to sweets and I tease him about it constantly). We helped his friend move. We sat on the couch on our laptops silently enjoying each other's presence.

It was truly the best long weekend I've had in who-knows-how-long. If the rest of my life looked like that weekend, I think I would be happy. Genuinely wonderfully happy and enjoying life.

The day I had to leave, I completely lost it. He gave me a goodbye hug and I completely broke down on his shoulder because I'd just had the best weekend in living memory and was going back to my quickly-approaching preliminary exam and having issues with my advisors. He knew all of this. I sobbed on his shoulder, and he held onto me. He didn't let go until he knew I stopped crying and was safe to drive. (I cried on and off the entire 7 hours drive)

I have pictures of us from this trip on my desk in lab, and they always make me smile, they have so much positivity associated with them. They also made it onto my Christmas card.

I'm going to see him again next month when I run the marathon in his city. We have a growing list of things to do which is entirely dessert places he wants to take me to, because we both love dessert and sweets. Tonight we were talking about when I might come down. I told him it's completely up to him because he has to put up with me and my bullshit. The race is on a Sunday, so I'd come down as early as the Tuesday before.

He doesn't know his schedule yet because science and experiment timing can be tricky. But he might be taking Wednesday off. He said he already plans on spending all day Thursday with me.

Tonight I fell in love all over again.

#love #queer #acespec #unrequited love #i love my best friend #i don't know what else to say #txt post #long post #feelings #the secret history of the one i love #now when i talk about the one i love you have some context #he's everything to me #we complement each other in the best ways #if soul mates are a thing...i'll stop that thought there #our story could be a romance novel but i don't think i have the skill to write it #pretty sure my family thinks we're dating even though we're not but that's par for the course #random thoughts #whatever the future holds he's going to be an amazing partner for someone someday #falling in love #now i'm thinking of the Buzzcocks song ever fallen in love #if this is what a healthy adult relationship looks like i'm here for it #i really don't have a name for our relationship bc it feels deeper than friendship but isn't really romantic. we're just us.#and i wouldn't have it any other way #i mean i would if things made us even closer but never more distant

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