#I’m the type of person who can figure out complex math problems without help but my emotional intelligence is still higher than my logicshit | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jenoismydad · 3 years

Text

2 + 3 = You In Me

◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦◦

Pairing: Tutor!Jaemin x Fem!Reader

Genre: Smut (pwp), Slight Angst, College AU

Words: 4.6k+

Warnings: 18+ content. Unprotected sex.

Synopsis: He agrees to tutor you and you end up becoming good friends even though you both so clearly want to be more. What happens when you let you bodies talk for you?

Jaemin was coming over to help you prepare for a test. You had no clue how he'd agreed to assist you, but you were thankful nonetheless. Jaemin rarely ever studied with girls. Mostly because they were always hitting on him. But it seemed you were an exception. You wondered why but you figured it was because he was trying to make some extra money.

Yes, Jaemin made you pay him. He made everyone pay him so you didn't think too much of it. From what you'd heard, his methods never failed to prove effective. You hoped he could help you study well enough to pass this test. After all, a majority of your grade depended on it.

You'd spent a good amount of your time trying to prepare a nice study space for you both to sit at in your apartment. So far you'd only managed to clean your coffee table and place two cushions for seats at its feet.

Jaemin would be here any minute. You rushed to get everything you'd need for the day, wanting to keep it all ready so that you wouldn't have to interrupt the study session. Your bell rang not soon after. He was here on time.

Opening the door, you welcomed him with a smile. He nodded and entered without a word. Black track pants and a plain white shirt. Jaemin hadn't made much of an effort to dress to impress. He ventured into your dorm, looking around the place silently.

That's when he came across your makeshift study zone. He pointed at it and looked at you.

"We're studying here," he asked, placing his hands in his pockets. He sounded a tad bit dejected. Your eyes widened slightly in panic. Was he not comfortable with sitting on the floor? "Yeah, I figured. Is there a problem," you asked, fearing the worst for no reason. Jaemin shook his head. "Nope, I just thought we were gonna sit in your room. That's where most of the girls take me anyways," he revealed, flashing you a small grin. You immediately felt at ease.

"My room's kind of a mess at the moment," you admitted, joining him near your couch. He took a seat on the floor, placing the cushion behind his back instead. He cleaned his black-rimmed glasses and patted the space next to himself. "Let's get started."

Jaemin was a pro at breaking down the complex concept so that your pea-sized brain could understand it to the fullest. The only drawback with that method was that it took much longer than you'd like it to. Two hours later you'd only finished one of the chapters that would be coming for the test. You still had four more to go.

"Fuck it's already three o'clock," you complained, falling dramatically on the coffee table. Jaemin flipped his pen in his fingers and stretched his body with a yawn. "I don't mind staying overtime," he joked. He'd made a lot of humoring comments during your time with him. The last you'd heard, he tended to be quite serious, never straying from his purpose. Not that you minded or anything, but Jaemin wasn't really meeting the expectations everyone had set for him in your mind. Maybe they were just trying to intimidate you.

"Don't you have to study too," you asked, turning your head to glance at him. He looked at you and shook his head. "I already studied beforehand. Plus, this test's gonna be super easy. You pass it with a breeze," he admitted. As relieving as that sounded, you didn't wanna take any chances. What if he flunked the test because he didn't revise or something. You really didn't want to be the person he blamed when that happened.

"You don't have to stay for my sake. You can go home if you want to. I think I can manage on my own now." you flipped through the pages of your coursebook, sighing in despair. It was a lot to go through. At least you still had half the day left.

Jaemin folded his arms. "Don't worry about me y/n. Not to undermine you, but I don't think you can get through all of this by yourself. I mean, you barely managed to understand the basics. All those chapters just branch off from this one and get increasingly tough to learn."

If this was him trying to convince you to let him stay then it sure as hell was working. You groaned and sat back up. "You promise you won't fail the test because of me then?" Jaemin chuckled. "Of course not. I'll pass with flying colors."

So you resumed studying. Jaemin was right. What he taught you next was more confusing than the first chapter you'd covered. You regretted not paying attention during your lectures. Jaemin never got impatient with you. In fact, he took ample time to make sure you understood everything he explained to you. He was very thorough and you appreciated that. However the more knowledge you absorbed, the more exhausted you felt. It got to the point where you felt like you couldn't study any further. Jaemin then suggested that you take a small break. You couldn't have agreed faster.

"Once we're done you should go through the practice questions that I emailed you," Jaemin reminded, taking a sip of the soda you'd offered him. You gave him a thumbs up and fell on the ground. "You're a lifesaver Na Jaemin."

Jaemin chuckled and turned to you. "I'm guessing it's not just math that you're having a problem with."

You raised your head and narrowed your eyes at him. "Nicely deduced."

"We can get together to study together for your other subjects if you don't mind. No need to pay me either," he offered.

You furrowed your brows. "Jaemin the longer you spend teaching me the dumber you're gonna get."

He brushed you off. "I'm pretty sure it doesn't work like that."

"You never know, and besides, after today you should know that it's gonna take five hundred years to clear all my concepts. Do you even have that kind of time?"

Jaemin tilted his soda can at you. "You'd be surprised at how much free time I have on my hands."

You smiled. "Wait so you're actually agreed to be my personal tutor."

Jaemin rolled his eyes amusedly. "It was my proposition but yes. I wouldn't be your personal tutor though. Just a study partner."

You sat up and leaned back. "So like, studying in the library after class and stuff like that?"

He nodded. "If the library's closed we can come here or I can take you to my place."

You pursed your lips, considering his deal. But something paused your train of thoughts. "Wait a minute. Why are you asking me this all of a sudden? You hardly seem like the type of guy who'd study with someone else."

Jaemin downed his drink, wincing at the fizziness that clawed at his throat. "I've had fun studying with you so far. Like, you're genuinely dumb, unlike some other people I tutor who just pretend to be dumb so they can spend a few hours with me."

You raised a brow. Had he just called you dumb? "I'll try not to take offense, thank you very much."

Jaemin apologized with a laugh.

"Does it make you feel smarter in some type of way," you asked? Jaemin hummed in response. "It kinda does now that you mention it. But I also feel like it would help me revise and clear my own concepts at the same time."

That made sense. "Damn, and here I was thinking you wanted to do this cause you were interested in me."

Jaemin's eyes widened. You raised your hands in defense. "It's just a joke. Don't take it seriously," you assured. Jaemin relaxed at that.

"Let's get started again. We're almost halfway there," he said, changing the topic. You agreed and sat beside him again, pen in hand, ready to go.

You walked out of your lecture with a bright smile on your face and headed straight to the library. Sure enough, Jaemin was already sitting there, waiting for you patiently. You sent him a small wave and skipped over to him. Handing him your graded test paper, you watched excitedly as his eyes lit up.

"Oh my god. You passed!"

You squealed and sat next to him, placing your bag near your feet. Jaemin smiled up at you. "This is such a good score," he added, glad that he'd been able to help.

"Henceforth we're studying together for every single test. I don't care if you're sick or at a friend's house."

Jaemin laughed and nodded. "Sure thing. If it means seeing you this happy then I'm down."

You froze at his words, glancing towards him. He clearly didn't seem to realize what he'd just said. Maybe you'd heard wrong. It was possible. After all, he was whispering. You didn't exactly have the best track record when it came to listening anyways. Concluding that you were mistaken, you pulled out your books and got to finishing up your assignments.

A few hours later Jaemin and you exited the library. You both usually parted ways since your dorms were in the opposite direction. However today, Jaemin followed behind you.

"What are you doing," you asked when he jogged up next to you. "We should celebrate your achievement today," he suggested. That sounded nice. "Okay then, what do you propose we should do?"

Jaemin pondered on your question. "Let's go to the cafe. I'll buy you coffee and anything else you want."

Coffee was perfect. You nodded and agreed. Jaemin grinned and led you to a small cafe that was just a little outside campus.

You both entered the small shop, the tantalizing scent of coffee hitting your senses immediately. Even though it was almost lunchtime, the cafe was brimming with multitudes of students. Luckily, the queue was short.

"Go find us somewhere nice to sit. I'll buy us some drinks," Jaemin said, pulling out his phone. Before you left, you let him know what you'd like.

Venturing to the back of the cafe, you found a secluded booth for two. It faced a large window, one that gave a fantastic view of the campus. You took a seat and placed your bag next to you. After a couple minutes of waiting, Jaemin emerged with your drinks in hand. He handed you yours before sitting down.

"Iced Americano? I see you're into the classics," you chimed, deciding to spark up a conversation. Jaemin took a sip of his drink. "Simple is the best after all."

Of course, it was. "Hey Jaemin," you started, setting your drink down on the table. He hummed. "Do you wanna come over later today," you asked. Jaemin furrowed his brows. "But we already finished studying."

You shook your head. "Not to study. Let's hang out, maybe watch a movie or something like that."

He seemed a bit taken aback, but nothing too alarming. It was just that you two never really did anything other than study together. Sure enough, you'd become close because of it. But you figured as friends, there were other things you could engage in to pass the time.

"Let's do it. What time should I come over," Jaemin asked? "Does seven work for you? I'll order pizza, so you don't need to worry about dinner."

Jaemin nodded. "Seven works for me."

As soon as the clock struck seven, there was a knock on your door. The ever punctual Jaemin would never be a second late. You let him in, eager to get your night started. He walked into your dorm and went straight to your room, plopping down on your bed as if it were his own.

You'd already been browsing on Netflix, wondering what genre he liked. It had never come up in conversation before so you didn't really know.

"What are we watching," he asked, scrolling through the options. You shrugged and joined him on your bed. "I'm not sure. I didn't know what you like," you admitted.

"I usually just watch whatever's in the top ten or 'new this week'," he shared. He stopped at a movie you would never have believed he'd be interested in.

"You wanna watch Yes Day," you asked in disbelief? Jaemin giggled and nodded innocently. "It looks super lame but I've already finished watching everything," he revealed. Here you were thinking you both would watch something more serious instead of a family movie. Instead of spending forty minutes trying to settle on one movie, you decided it best to just go with the first choice.

Jaemin started the movie and leaned back beside you. It was quiet between you both for the most part. You watched the movie in silence. It wasn't as entertaining as you'd thought it would be, but Jaemin seemed to be engrossed in it so you chose to say nothing and continued staring at the screen.

Halfway into the movie, Jaemin stifled a yawn and fell to the side, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He looked at you and pointed to the screen. "Are we gonna keep watching this?"

You let out a breath of relief and exited out of the movie once and for all. "If you didn't like it why'd you make me watch it," you complained, shutting your laptop. Jaemin sat up and crossed his legs. "I thought you were enjoying it. You even laughed at the funny parts."

You stuck your chin out. "You should know what my fake laugh sounds like by now Jaemin." He raised his hands in defense. "The only time I hear you laugh is when you realize you're doing something wrong."

You tsked. "That's called nervous laughter genius. You suck at interpreting emotions."

He hit you with a pillow softly. "Hey, stop making me out for a robot."

"You're the human embodiment of the AI," you joked, dodging the pillow he swung at you. Raising your hands in defense, you shielded yourself from him. "At least I said you're intelligent."

Jaemin paused his attacks. "You're lucky I think you're cute. I'll let you off the hook for now."

You had another one of those moments where you froze, wondering if the words that had come out of his mouth were true or not. He didn't whisper this time. You'd heard everything word for word. But you couldn't believe it.

"Did you just call me cute?"

Jaemin nodded, not seeming too surprised about it. "You aren't not cute," he added. Maybe you were misinterpreting the meaning behind it. Friends called friends cute. It was normal. That didn't mean that they liked each other, did it?

Noticing the conflict in your expression, Jaemin leaned forward and cleared his throat. "I didn't mean it in an 'I have a crush on you' type of way."

Something about that made your stomach churn. You felt uneasy all of a sudden. You wanted to be relieved, that he didn't think of you as more than a friend. But a part of you wished he felt otherwise. You didn't know why, it just did.

You chuckled awkwardly and faced him. "Yeah, of course, you didn't. I don't know why I thought that."

Jaemin hummed and rested his chin on his palm. "Maybe because you wanted it to be true."

"Huh?"

"Maybe you wanted me to tell you that I like you."

You didn't know what to say to that. So you just smiled awkwardly. "But you don't, do you?"

Jaemin grinned. "Do you want me to?"

"No! Of course not, why would I-"

"I'm just messing with you y/n. Don't worry, we're just friends," he assured, finding you getting alarmed quite amusing. You hit his shoulder. "Don't joke around like that. Who knows what might happen."

Jaemin's laughter died down. He met your gaze sombrely. You knew he wanted to say something, but he remained silent. His eyes traveled down to your lips for a moment. You sucked in a breath, suddenly feeling giddy. Jaemin looked back into your eyes, this time with a small smile. You didn't know what he was doing. You also didn't know if you liked it or not. Your mind said one thing and your body said another. Jaemin subtly licked his lips. You had no clue why the action had such a devastating effect on you.

Before you knew it, your lips were on his. Jaemin didn't seem surprised at all. In fact, he relaxed and snaked his arm around your waist, pulling your body onto his. He fell back on your mattress, bringing you on top of him. Straddling his lap, you placed your hands on either side of his head, kissing him with vigor. Jaemin groaned against your mouth, the sound sending warm shivers down your back. His lips were softer than you thought they'd be and he tasted faintly of coffee.

His hands slipped under your shirt, resting on your skin. His touch felt fiery hot. You rolled your hips over his lap impulsively, biting his both lip as a throaty groan left his mouth. He squeezed your waist and trailed his hands down to your ass.

Before things could escalate, however, your bell rang. You both stilled, separating from each other. When your eyes met, you scrambled off of him and sat at the edge of your bed, completely stunned. Jaemin rubbed his face and sat up as well, not really knowing what to say. The bell rang again, snapping you out of your daze. "I'll go get that," you muttered disorientedly, leaving Jaemin in your room. He nodded and stood up. "Actually, I'm gonna go," he said, leaving your room before you could say anything. You heard the door open and shut soon after. Your bell rang again.

You went to open your door. A delivery guy stood before you, hands empty with a confused look on his face. "The guy that just left took the pizza with him. He said that you'd pay for it." You couldn't believe it. Nonetheless, you paid the man and shut your door. What had just happened?

A few days passed after the incident at your dorm. Jaemin hadn't called or texted you and in all honesty, you hadn't made an attempt to contact him. You felt too embarrassed to face him. After all, it was you who'd gone onto him. Even if he didn't push you away it wasn't like either of you had agreed to start making out. You were anxious because you knew you'd ruined your friendship with him.

A part of you missed him. You enjoyed spending time with him, even though all you did was study. Everything was so bleak now that he wasn't around to humor you.

You didn't want to regret whatever had happened that night. It was amazing. You just wished it hadn't ended the way it did. You should have understood that he indeed was joking. Instead, you mistook his prodding for sarcasm.

It made no sense for you to not speak to him. You wanted to make amends, figure out what had gone wrong. But you were scared he'd ignore you. That would just make you feel worse than you already did.

So you passed the days, wafting in your own misery. Pitying yourself as if the entire weight of the world had been thrown on your shoulders.

Little did you know that all it would take was another shitty test score for you to pick up your phone and call Jaemin.

"Help me study," you said as soon as he answered the call. Jaemin was silent on the other end. "Don't just listen to me. Say something," you begged. Your heart felt heavy. You heard him sigh. "I'd rather not y/n." You got goosebumps. "Jaemin, please. We can go to fucking library if that makes you feel better," you suggested, desperate for him to agree. After giving it some thought he finally answered you. "Okay fine. Tomorrow at three. But no longer than three hours."

He hung up, leaving you feeling a tad bit better. You looked forward to the next day. Hopefully, he wouldn't act indifferent to you.

Jaemin sat in your usual spot at the library. He was on his phone, leg crossed over his lap leisurely. You walked up to him and took a seat beside him without a word. Seeing you had arrived, he put his phone away and turned to you. "What are we studying?"

You took out your books and opened them. "This."

Jaemin glanced over the material. No wonder you'd flunked your test. He sighed, placing the textbook between you two. Without wasting a second, he began tutoring you.

No matter how hard you tried, you just couldn't pay attention. You were too busy staring at his face, more specifically his lips. They way he'd lick them ever so often made butterflies soar in your stomach. He'd run his hand through his fluffy hair and adjust his glasses, letting your mind run wild. Jaemin didn't seem to notice your lack of focus. You figured he didn't really care. He kept glancing at his watch. It was like he was waiting for your time with him to come to an end.

Much to your dismay, eventually it did.

"I'll send you a picture of some practice material. You can use that to prepare better," he concluded, getting up from his seat. You quickly stuffed your books in your bag and ran after him.

"Jaemin wait!"

He paused. "What," he asked as he turned around. He sounded disinterested. "Can we talk," you asked? Jaemin sighed and shrugged. "What do you wanna talk about," he questioned, placing his hands in his pockets. "About what happened at my place last week."

Jaemin tensed up. "It was a mistake. I think we both understood that."

You shook your head. "I don't know Jaemin, I'm not sure I did."

He furrowed his brows. "What do you mean?"

"The more I thought about it the more I realized that I wouldn't have kissed you unless I wanted to. Not just that but you wouldn't have let it go so far if you thought it was wrong."

He seemed at a loss for words.

"When you called me cute, you did mean it in an 'I have a crush on you' type of way." You didn't need an answer for him to know you were correct.

"What are you trying to say y/n," he asked, sounding defeated.

"That I like you," you admitted. Jaemin's eyes widened. "And that you like me too," you added.

Jaemin bit his lip. "Okay, so then why were we acting like we hated each other for so long?"

You shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe because you overthink everything and I'm a big pussy."

Jaemin chuckled and slung his arm around your shoulder. "I'm sorry about that babe."

You cringed at the nickname. "Don't 'babe' me. We're not dating. Not yet."

Jaemin rolled his eyes. "Does it really need to be that formal?"

You nodded adamantly. "Of course it does."

He sighed. "Fine. Will you go out with me y/n?"

You smiled and shook your head. "I'd rather not Jaemin."

"Yeah whatever," he said with a scoff, leading you outside.

As soon as you were past your door Jaemin's lips were on yours in an instant. He pushed you against the wall, wrapping your legs around his waist. You held onto his shoulders, sighing into his mouth. "I missed you so fucking much," he muttered, stumbling to your room.

He dropped you on your bed and hovered over you, staring down at you somberly before kissing you again. His lips didn't stay on yours for too long, trailing down to your jaw and then your neck. You tugged at his shirt, urging him to take it off. When he did, you stared at his chiseled body in awe. "I didn't know you worked out."

Jaemin chuckled at your comment and pulled your own shirt off. He flicked the tiny bow on your bra with an amused grin. "This is cute."

You nudged his arm timidly. "I wasn't exactly preparing myself for this moment."

He said nothing further and latched his lips to your neck once again. Running your fingers through his hair, you craned your neck to the side to give him more access. He gently sucked on your skin, not too harsh that it would leave marks. You sighed and fiddled with the waistband of his sweatpants. "Do you want it off," he asked quietly, lips ghosting over yours. You nodded, biting your lip when he pushed his pants down.

His member came into sight, making your mouth water.

Taking your hand in his, he brought it to his cock. Your fingers wrapped around his girth instinctively. Jaemin suck in a breath as he made you stroke his length. His hand slipped past your panties, fingers toying with your clit. You gasped and spread your legs wider, loving the way his calloused fingertips felt. Tightening your grip around his cock, you jerked him off earnestly. In turn, Jaemin began rubbing quick circles into your sensitive bundle of nerves.

Letting go of his member, you hastily pushed your pants down your legs. Jaemin peeled your panties off of you, marveling at the sight of your glistening pussy. "Don't just stare," you complained, shutting your legs, "do something."

Jaemin wordlessly, spread your legs apart and settled down between your thighs. He glanced up at your through his lashes, asking for permission before licking a stripe up your folds. You pushed your hips against his mouth, eyes falling shut when he repeated the action. Holding onto your thighs, he nipped and sucked at your clit, groaning every time your bucked your hips into his face. You gripped onto his hair, tugging at his roots. Jaemin's fingers prodded at your slit, slowly entering your walls. He curled them up, making your arch your back in delight. It felt so good. He knew exactly what he was doing.

With his tongue skillfully moving over your clit and his fingers continuously pumping in and out of you, it didn't take long for you to feel a familiar knot in your stomach. You sat up, pulling his mouth off of your cunt. "I need you to fuck me now." Your voice was hushed, breathless because of how much you'd moaned. Jaemin's eyes had darkened considerably. He pushed you down on your back again and pressed his tip to your entrance.

Jaemin felt bigger than he looked. Not that you were complaining or anything, it just took a while to get used to. He made sure you were comfortable before slowly starting to pound into you.

You grabbed his arms as he fastened his pace, head falling back in ecstasy. Shallow breaths left his parted lips. "You feel so good," he muttered, burying his face in the crook of your neck. His breath was hot on your skin. You wrapped your arms around his neck, humming in response. You were close. Jaemin could tell.

Gripping onto your waist, he went faster, slamming his cock into you as he chased your highs. You cried out his name, squeezing your eyes shut. Your walls clenched tightly around his length, your orgasm crashing down on you intensely. Soon enough, he twitched inside you. His thighs stilled, hips snapping into you one last time before thick ropes of his cum shot into your walls. He let out a pleased groan, voice deep and raspy.

"That was amazing," you breathed, pushing your hair out of your face as Jaemin moved off of you. He smiled and tugged his pants back on, joining you under the covers. "I'm glad you enjoyed it." Jaemin pulled you into his side, letting you rest your head on his shoulder. You laughed to yourself. "What is it," Jaemin asked. You shook your head, looking at him. "To think this all started after you agreed to tutor me."

tagging: @neosmutcollective @hoehousenet @kdiarynet @kafenetwork @nct-writers @ficscafe @whipped-kpop-creators @kpopscape

833 notes · View notes

breakyeol · 4 years

Text

— SQUIRM, BABY.

You don’t like Doh Kyungsoo. Especially not when he’s got his fingers buried knuckle deep inside of you and your seeing stars —goddamn stars!— but can’t make a sound unless you want the entire library to know exactly what he’s doing to you under the table.

┗ Pairing: Tutor!Kyungsoo x Reader

Genre: college au, tutor au, enemies w benefits au, smut

Words: 4.7k

Rating: 18+

Warnings: strong language, sexual acts in a public setting, fingering

A/N; tomorrow is going to be my 1 year anniversary as an EXO-L!! oh my goodness that feels so crazy, time really flies. so here is a little present from me to you, enjoy lovelies!!

“These are all wrong,” Kyungsoo mutters blankly, “start over.”

A loud groan is ripped from your throat, the sound earning you more than a few sideways glares from the surrounding tables but you can’t really bring yourself to care. You’ve been here for two hours, studying one of the most intolerable subjects in the world: Calculus. The mere mention of its name made you shiver in disgust.

To be blunt, you’d always been shit at math. Numbers and equations were never your strong suit, not in high school and definitely not now with the added complexities of derivatives and differential equations (neither of which made even the slightest bit of sense to you). You much preferred the gentleness of literature and history to the strict logic and rules of mathematics and science. Unfortunately for you, the latter subjects were just as vital a part of your education, and opting out of them was not an option.

“Can’t we take a break?” You almost whine the question, pressing your fingers into your throbbing temples. “My brain feels like it’s going to explode.”

“No.”

You scowl at the bluntness of his rejection. “I’m paying you.” You point out, stabbing a finger into his bicep for emphasis. “Shouldn’t I have a say in when we take a break?”

He rolls his eyes, swatting your hand away and shoving the paper back in your direction. “I’m giving you your money’s worth. Do it again.”

You let out a noisy huff of air, slouching over dramatically in the stiff plastic chair until your chin is pressed against the cold table. “I hope you know I am deeply regretting some of my life decisions right about now.” You grumble, shooting him an icy glare that you hope conveys the absolute loathing you feel for both him and the set of problems laid before you.

“I thought that was a daily thing for you.”

Scoffing, you bury your mouth in the thick sleeve of your hoodie. “Your face is a daily thing for me.”

He doesn’t even bother to look at you, though you could almost feel the intensity of his deadpan. “I think that was the shittiest comeback I’ve ever heard.”

“Your face is the shittiest comeback I’ve ever heard.”

“You do realize that that makes absolutely no sense.”

“Your fa—”

“Shut up and do your work.”

He either doesn’t hear or consciously chooses to ignore the colorful array of curses you grumble spitefully in his direction, though simultaneously resigning yourself to the fact that you won’t be able to put off your work inevitably. Kyungsoo was a stickler for proper time management. If he had an agenda set in place for your tutoring session (which he always did), then you better believe he’d be checking off each item within its designated time frame. And if you don’t cooperate— well then, your best bet is to pray that there isn’t a mechanical pencil within his reach.

He might not always be able to reach the top shelf, but Kyungsoo had ways of getting what he wanted. Usually, that chilling glare was enough to get those around him to bend to his will. He could be a scary little shit when he wanted to be. You’ll admit, even you had been the tiniest bit intimidated when you first met him. He was quiet, reserved, strict in manner, but also the dangerous unpredictable type, you gathered that much quickly enough. Maybe that’s why the two of you didn’t get on too well.

Where he was cool and standoffish, “a man of few words” some might say, you were more vocal about your opinions, social by nature, always eager to meet new people and make new connections. You had a tendency to speak loudly when excited and talk with your hands when passionate about a subject. That was something most people learned about you very quickly. Unfortunately, upon your first official meeting at a party in your freshman year with your mutual friends, Kyungsoo had no idea just how emphatic you could be until you’d knocked his drink clean out of his hand and spilled it down the front of his brand new shirt.

It was an accident, of course. You’d apologized profusely and he’d accepted it (albeit somewhat begrudgingly), but that was probably the first of many missteps in your... unique relationship.

With such conflicting personalities, it was understandable that you got into frequent arguments about one thing or another. Petty disagreements would often grow into something larger than they really needed to be. Mostly because despite having such contrasting personalities, you shared the trait of innate stubbornness, neither of you willing to admit when you were wrong. It was easy to argue with him, and you liked when you proved him wrong. You liked the way his brows furrowed and his cheeks flushed. You liked the way he glared, the way his lips pouted. You like the challenge he presented you with every time he opened his mouth. Above, you loved to win. Especially when it was against him.

So you pushed, and he pushed right back. And before you knew it, you found yourself a proper ‘frenemy’, though you aren’t sure that that’s quite the right word to describe whatever it was you two were.

But that’s just how the two of you are, how you’d always been. If you were being honest, riling him, seeing that usually so stoic, so controlled expression crack when you pushed just the right buttons— it was fun. You thoroughly enjoyed fucking with him, discovering new and creative ways to get under his skin. And you knew he got just as much satisfaction from doing the same to you, rendering you speechless with witty comebacks, flustering you with his sharp tongue and impressive rebukes.

So really, was it such a terrible thing?

Not to mention, a number of not-so-terrible things occurred as a result of one of your many arguments, such as hiring him as your calculus tutor. One that started out with you claiming he would probably be the shittiest teacher to ever exist (which seemed a valid argument at the time considering how short tempered and impatient he could be *cough* with you *cough*) to which he rebutted with the claim that he could “teach a goldfish advanced calculus” if he set his mind to it, and considering that you “had an IQ equivalent to one”, he could without a doubt teach you. His words, obviously.

It just so happened that you had a calculus exam coming up that next week, so to prove his point, he tutored you for the three days preceding said test. Even though you loathe being proven wrong, you ended up getting one of the highest scores you’d ever gotten on a math test in your entire academic career.

Putting your pride aside, you made the suggestion that he continue to tutor you. He only agreed when you offered him green in exchange for his troubles and admitted that he was right (it took a few extra hours to convince yourself that your grades should be held above your ego before you could bring yourself to verbally admit defeat).

And now here you are, not flunking out of calculus. You’d consider that worthy of the bruise to your pride, even if only by a small margin.

“Kyungsoo, why’d you mark this one wrong?” You frown at the large red X marking problem two as incorrect. You’d been glaring at your scribbled work for almost two minutes, running over the problem in your head, but you couldn’t seem to figure out where he thought you’d gone wrong. It looks right enough to you.

Kyungsoo shifts over to get a better look, his arms pressing against yours in the process and you are briefly stunned by the sudden, unexpected closeness, wholly unable to stop yourself from noticing the faint, woody scent of his aftershave that caresses your senses. Fuck. You can’t tell if you hate or love the fact that he smelled so good. Partly love it because good hygiene is always something to admire in a man (even if that man was Doh Kyungsoo), partly hate it because dammit it’s Doh Kyungsoo and you loathe finding anything that has to do with him attractive. Plus, it’s distracting. You’re here trying to learn and he has the audacity to go around smelling like pine trees and fresh moss after a rainfall. Unfair.

“Right here.”

The scowl you don’t realize you’re wearing immediately drops away as the low baritone of his voice thrums through the cavity of your ribcage and you lean forward to see exactly what he’s pointing at.

“You multiplied straight through instead of distributing.” He explains further upon seeing the uncertainty on your face. A few seconds of further inspection and you finally see what he’s talking about.

“Fuck,” you hiss, “I’m so stupid.”

“It’s an easy mistake to make.” He reassures.

“Yeah, but I should know that by now, I should’ve—” you turn your head, only to nearly choke on air as you discover that any space that once existed between the two of you has virtually disappeared, “... seen it.”

He’s close, so close that you can feel the cool rush of his breath against your skin as he exhales, goosebumps bristling across your arms in response. He’s close. Too close. You can’t think straight, can’t even breathe. The moment that surrounds you feels fragile, like even the slightest disruption would rupture it completely.

Frozen, you can only swallow around the sudden dryness of your mouth as your treacherous eyes drop to trace the plush line of his lips. Who even has lips like that? They’re just so big and so pink, that dark, kissable kind of pink that every girl just wishes her lips could be. You, included. They look soft, and you can’t help but to wonder if they’d still taste like the strawberry bubblegum he’d been chewing on at the beginning of your tutoring session.

“Careful, ___.” The sound of Kyungsoo’s voice, raspier than you recall it being before and laced in a faintly taunting pitch, is enough to break you from your trance and, once freed, you whip your head around fast enough to give yourself whiplash.

“Fuck off.” You cough, jaw clenching as you attempt to drag your mind out from the gutter and back onto the calculus problems you have yet to correct. But for whatever reason your brain refuses to cooperate, instead filling your head with images of his pretty mouth and everything it could be doing instead of rambling on about something as uninteresting as calculus. Damnit.

No doubt seeing the distress written clearly across your face, Kyungsoo chuckles, the sound low and smooth where it drips from his lips, and a familiar heat blossoms in the pit of your stomach.

You can feel his eyes on you now, every cell of your being suddenly hyperaware of his presence beside you. The pressure of his knee where it nudges against yours, the teasing curl of his lips as he watches you struggle to focus, the warmth of his palm caressing up your thigh, the— wait what?

Your gaze whips down, breath hitching at the sight of Kyungsoo’s hand gently gripping the lagging clad flesh just above your knee. It’s another few seconds before you’re able to find your voice again.

“W– What’re you—?”

“Focus.” He cuts you off smoothly, fingers soothing over the inside of your leg, squeezing gently. When you don’t look away from him, he smirks, jerking his chin forward in a manner you can only interpret as challenging. There’s a familiar glint in his eye, a dangerous glint that doesn’t fail to provoke your competitive side. You know that look well. He’s challenging you.

And you don’t back down from a challenge.

Especially not from Doh Kyungsoo.

Determination flairs up inside of you, your jaw clenching as you strike him with a single, heated glare that read plain and simple ‘you. are. on.’ before honing all your attention onto the worksheet in front of you. It’s not too difficult to focus at first, to disregard the tingles that erupt across your skin where his hot touch sears into it. You manage to find and correct your error in one of the problems (impressive for you even if Kyungsoo wasn’t feeling your leg up under the table).

But whatever pride you find in doing so is quickly quelled when his hand suddenly shifts higher, and you feel the faintest pressure against your heat. It’s a sensation that robs you of your ability to breathe entirely for a handful of seconds, and you can’t stop the shiver that ripples down your spine.

This, you see, is one of the more recent developments in your oh-so complicated relationship with Doh Kyungsoo. Yet another that began with a disagreement at a party, over something you can’t even remember anymore thanks to the haze of alcohol that clouded both your minds at the time, that spiraled way out of proportion. You remember yelling at him, insulting him, stabbing your finger into his chest, feeling the sting of his lethal glare. God, he’d looked so pissed off, and you just fed off of it, fed off the rage and the frustration that festered like lava in those dark brown eyes. The angrier he got, the harder you pushed, until he finally snapped.

You’re still not sure what you expected to happen. What you expected him to do. But you sure as hell hadn’t anticipated him grabbing you by the throat and pulling you into one of the hottest, most mind numbing kisses you’d ever experienced.

Next thing you remember is being in a bed. Whose bed it was, isn’t important. What is important, however, is the fact that that night you had the best sex of your entire life with the man you thought you couldn’t stand.

Hate sex with Doh Kyungsoo opened your eyes to a whole new world of mind boggling pleasure that you’d never experienced before. Pleasure that no other person had ever been able to give you. God, the things he did to you. No one had ever touched you like that before. It was like he knew all the places on your body that made you unravel. He honestly ruined all other men for you that night because none have even come close to comparing. Which was beyond frustrating especially considering that, at the time, you thought it was a one time thing.

The morning after you both pretended that nothing happened. In the two weeks following as well, neither one of you mentioned it. You tried to erase the memory from your brain, tried to go back to normal, but it was hard considering every time you needed some sexual release (which was more often than you care to admit), it was his hands, his mouth, his cock that you imagined while you touched yourself. You replayed his moans in your head, his deep, rasping voice growling your name, and fuck, you never came harder.

But it was still nothing compared to the real thing.

As time passed you only grew more and more frustrated. Worst of all, you could tell he was feeling it too. It was obvious in the way he looked at you, with fire burning in eyes, in the way he spoke to you, with a pitch of something hot and wanting in his voice, in the way he lost his cool far quicker and far more often than he had in the past, your arguments fiercer and more frequent than they’d ever been. The tension between the two of you was palpable, thick enough to be cut with a knife. It got to the point where even your most oblivious of friends started noticing it as well, though they knew better than to voice their curiosity.

The second time it happened, you were both sober and, somehow, it was even better than you remembered. The pleasure was more intense, more overwhelming, a feeling you can’t even put into words. Then it kept happening. Late at night when he’d show up unannounced at your door. Early in the morning when you had an important exam later in the day and you needed some pre-test de-stressing. Between classes in the back seat of his car just because you could. At parties when your friends were too shit faced to notice the two of you slipping into an unoccupied bedroom.

Just sex. That’s what you both agreed to when it became blatantly obvious that your little ‘arrangement’ wouldn’t be coming to an end any time soon. No strings. Just sex. Just really, really good sex.

And that was perfectly fine by you.

Exhaling shakily through your nose, you try to block out the feeling of his thumb as it begins to caress gently up and down your clothed core, suddenly very grateful for the layers of fabric that separate you from his intoxicating touch. But it’s a gratitude that’s short lived. Just as you manage to adjust and scribble down a correction, he cups his hand over your mound and squeezes. A gasp escapes you, and you try to cover up the sound with a series of short coughs, the sting embarrassment intertwining with the warmth of pleasure as a few eyes briefly glance in your direction.

“You’re such an asshole.” You hiss under your breath, thighs tightening around his hand, locking it in place.

He throws you a lopsided grin, brows lifting and you don’t miss the glimmer of amusement in his eyes. “I’ve been called worse.” What he means is you’ve called him worse.

Your lips part, but any intelligible words die on the tip of your tongue as he grinds the heel of his palm down, directly against your clit. Your head drops, eyes squeezing shut, teeth locking down firmly on your lower lip in order to silence the soft moan that threatens to break free.

“F- fuck.”

You hear him coo tauntingly beside you at your slip, the tips of his skilled fingers easily locating your entrance and prodding experimentally. At this point, you don’t doubt he can feel the fabric of your leggings growing hot and wet with your arousal.

Despite being used to the quick effect he had on your body, you can help but to feel the slightest twinge of shame at how he was able to rile you up this much with little more than a few well-placed strokes of his fingers. But fuck, it felt so good. You’d already been feeling somewhat deprived since you’d both been so busy this past week with exams and projects and what not. This is the first time you’re spending time with him since almost a week ago.

And you are in need of a fix.

“You look like you’re having a bit of trouble on that problem. Do you need my help?” Kyungsoo leans into you, his face right up next to yours, and you have to resist the sudden urge to kiss him right then in there in front of everyone in the stupid library.

Instead, you grit out an unconvincing, “I’m fine,” and force yourself to stay focused on the dizzying mess of numbers and letters on the worksheet in front of you and not on the delicious warmth of his hand where it is applying just the right amount of pressure to keep you teetering between pleasure and the insatiable need for more.

“You sure?” There’s a certain lightness to his voice that tells you he is thoroughly enjoying watching you struggle. Sadistic bastard.

“Positive.”

And just like that, he’s gone. You almost gasp as a rush of cold air fills the places he had been, and you can’t help the frown that tugs at the corners of your lips, disappointment and irritation coloring your features before you can reel them in. From the corner of your eye, you chance a glance in his direction. The smug, knowing little smirk staining his lips sends a wave of heat pulsing into your cheeks, and you grit your teeth in frustration.

“So what, you’re just going to stop?” You whisper sharply, not making any attempt whatsoever to hide your annoyance.

A look of feigned innocence overcomes his features. “You said you didn’t need my help.”

You grit your teeth, glaring at him as hard as you can manage with how incredibly turned on you are. But he remains unfazed.

“If you want my help,” he continues, voice dropping an entire octave, “you’re going to have to ask for it... nicely.”

Nice wasn’t a word in your vocabulary when Kyungsoo was involved.

Seeing the resistance you are still putting up, he feathers his fingers over your thigh, tracing slow designs across the thin, black fabric. You swallow, unable to look away as they trail dangerously higher, teasing closer to where you both knew you wanted them most.

“You do want it, don’t you?”

Fuck, you want it so bad.

You know that he knows you want it. It’s just the getting yourself to actually say it out loud part that proves to be a challenge. But that’s exactly what he wants you to do, he wants to hear you say it, wants to see you cast aside your stubborn pride and beg for it. Beg for him.

Lifting your eyes, you glance unsurely around the library. It isn’t overly crowded anymore since most of the other students have begun to trickle out as late afternoon approaches. Plus, the table you were seated at was tucked into the far back corner of the room, secluded and out of the way. But still, your nerves buzzed at the thought of someone seeing. Though maybe — just maybe — there was a buzz of something else as well. Excitement, perhaps?

Grip tightening around your pencil, you chewed on the corner of your lip, refusing to meet Kyungsoo’s penetrating gaze as you let out a soft murmur. “...ease.”

He leans closer, mirth shimmering in his eyes. “What was that? I couldn’t quite hear you.”

Groaning, you shoot him a scowl, shoulders slumping in defeat. “Please help me, asshole.”

Laughter bubbles at his lips, the genuine kind that makes his cheeks lift and his nose wrinkle. You like it when he laughs like that. Makes him look a lot less like a serial killer.

Sinking his teeth into the pillowy flesh of his lower lip to stifle his laughter, he shoots you a lazy grin, “that’s all you had to say.”

Next thing you know, his hand is slipping beneath the elastic of your leggings and into the soft cotton confines of your underwear. Your mouth fell open, a sharp inhale filling your lungs with cold air as his fingers slid through your slick folds.

“I knew you were wet but shit.” He hisses, thick brows furrowing at the feeling of your heavy arousal coating the length of his digits. “I must say, I’m flattered.”

“Don’t be,” you breathe, eyes fluttering, “even Chanyeol can get me this— ngh!”

Without warning, he plunges his middle finger inside of you, and the remainder of your sentence pitches into a strangled moan. One look at his face, jaw clenched, nostrils flared, lips down turned, tells you he isn’t all too pleased at the mention of another man’s name, especially when he’s the one buried knuckle deep in your greedy cunt.

A hazy smirk curls onto your lips and you let out a low hum of pleasure, walls squeezing around him. “You’re sexy when you’re mad.”

“Is that why you enjoy pissing me off so much?” He questions, tone biting and low, and you shutter involuntarily as he rolls the pad of his thumb harshly over your aching clit.

“Partly.” You admit, somewhat breathless. “But you’re also just a really fun person to piss off.”

He chuckles dryly in response, though the sound lacks any genuine amusement. “You are such a brat, you know that?” He emphasizes the word by stretching you around a second finger, and you have to drop your pencil in favor of clasping your hand over your mouth, unable to swallow down the soft whimpers that tremble up your throat.

“You love it.” You manage to get out before you’re forced to bite into the tender flesh of your palm to muffle a desperate cry when the slow thrusts of his digits suddenly picks up speed. Your thighs squeeze around his hand, hips jerking up to grind your throbbing clit against the heel of his palm. Electricity ricochets through your veins, and you feel that distinctive tightening in the pit of your stomach. Kyungsoo also feels the way you throb and clench around him, and makes sure to grind down hard against your swollen clit.

Heat immediately spreads through your core, the intensity of the pleasure becoming more than you can handle. “Oh god, Kyungsoo.” Your voice comes out louder than you intended, and you quickly duck your head, doing your best to make it seem like you’re focusing on your work and not the fingers drilling relentlessly into your g-spot, praying to god that no one had seen the blissed out expression on your face. Still, you can’t help the quiet whine that escapes you when his ministrations slow.

“Are you trying to get us caught?” He asks in less than a whisper, breath hot against the shell of your ear. “Ever hear of subtlety?”

“Ever hear of suck my dick?” You snap back without missing a beat, only to jolt as his fingers curl inside of you, pressing directly against that sensitive bundle of nerves. Every muscle in your body tenses, and fuck you’re so close you can almost taste it. Frantically, you thrust your hips, desperately trying to fuck yourself down on his digits.

“Sit still.” He growls, and you quiver when he sinks his teeth into the lobe of your ear, obeying only because you really don’t want to get banned from the campus library if someone happened to catch on.

“Soo— fuck,” the force with which you bite into your lip is nearly about to break the skin, but you can’t be bothered by the pain, not with how quickly your orgasm was approaching. Sensing as much, Kyungsoo goes the extra mile of drawing hard, fast figure eights over your clit with his thumb while simultaneously thrusting his fingers into you so fast that you swear you can almost hear it.

All at once fire roars through your veins, euphoria consuming you as your high crashes over you. Your walls spasm around his digits, painting them with your release.

He doesn’t withdraw from you until you go slack, thighs spreading, body slumping back in your chair, eyes fluttering as a hazy, blissed out smile touches your lips. You can only watch through hooded lids as he brings his glistening fingers to his mouth, sighing in amazement as he sucks them clean. There’s a twinge of arousal in your core as he moans softly at the taste of you on his tongue, a downright lethal sound that somehow manages to rouse your positively spent pussy.

This man is going to be the absolute death of you one of these days.

“Fuck.” You chuckle airily, heady gaze flickered over him lazily, only to do a double take when you notice something standing upright beneath the zipper of his jeans. The corners of your lips twirled into a mirthful grin, eyebrows raising slowly.

“Need some help with that?”

“Yes.” He answers shamelessly and without hesitation, grunting softly as he adjusts himself in the tight confines of his jeans to make the raging hard-on he’s sporting somewhat less obvious. “But not here.”

“I figured. So... your car or mine?”

“Didn’t you just get a new one with reclining seats?” He questions, running the tip of his tongue over the seam of his lip at the mere implication.

You strike him with a wicked grin, already beginning to shove your things into your bag. “I did indeed.”

“Then what are we— wait.”

“What?”

“You didn’t finish correcting the worksheet yet.” He points out, drumming his fingers across the paper that had completely slipped your mind.

You pull a face, pausing in the act of gathering your belongings long enough to cross your arms pointedly over your chest. “No offense, Kyungsoo, sweetheart, but I’d much rather suck your dick than do one more of those stupid fucking calc problems.”

His brows leap to his hairline, and he offers a single nod of acceptance, in no position to argue with such a valid point.

“Noted.”

753 notes · View notes

ochard-fics · 4 years

Text

Bad Ideas - A Spider-man Story

Chapter Index: 1, 2

Pronouns used for (Y/N): they/them

Genre: Enemies to lovers, slow burn, angst, fluff, young love

Warnings: None

Word count: +7.1k

Summary: Though you moved across the country about half a year ago, you are still trying to find your footing in the strange streets of New York. On top of that, you are desperately trying to balance your demanding school life at Midtown School of Science and Technology, where you like everyone but you was much more talented and smarter than you could ever imagine to be. Among those students is the one whom you loathe the most: Peter Benjamin Parker, the boy who’s success both in school and in Stark Industries is constantly shoved in your face. The only person who helps you escape those troubles is Spider-man, the hero of Queens and your crush.

A/N: Hello all! Thank you for waiting so patiently for the next chapter in the series. I hope you are all staying safe and healthy during these unfortunate times. Please enjoy this chapter! Comments, reblogs, likes and feedback is greatly appreciated!

A HUMONGOUS thank you to @tinybabyrat who helped me out while I wrote this!

---

Chapter 2 - Peter Parker, the nuisance

How did everything go south so fast? You thought your Tuesday was looking up. No major tests or quizzes today, no horrible mile run in P.E., and no over-cooked rice in the cafeteria lunch! However, the universe decided to say fuck you and here you were, sitting uncomfortably in your guidance councilor’s office. Ms. Lee was busy typing away at her computer, her thick, wavy black hair pulled back into a low ponytail. Your eyes began to wander around your surroundings, like the wall calendar pinned to the corkboard behind her, that showed Claude Monet’s Water Lilies painting for the month of February. Or the several post-it notes of various bright colors with reminders, and then photos of her and her wife, Ms. Narvaez, happily smiling together with their two rescue dogs Fritz and Sadie, who were mutts. Waiting in there started to feel like forever until Ms. Lee straightened her posture and turned her figure towards you, clasping her hands as she put her arms on her desk.

“Hey kid,” she greeted you with a warm smile, “I can see that you want to know what you’re in my office.” You replied with a stiff nod, looking at her with meek eyes.

“I wanted to talk to you about your current progress in school, particularly your general education courses” she states, adjusting her square, wire-framed glasses on the bridge of her nose, “I need you to take a look for yourself.” She takes the frame of the monitor and it toward you, where you could see your current report card displayed upon the screen.

“From the looks of it,” she says, looking over at the monitor, “Your grades have gone down significantly since you started your year here at MSST.” Oof, that was not good news whatsoever. You shifted in your seat uncomfortably as she continued speaking.

“I have noticed that math and chemistry have been particularly difficult for you,” she mentions, “Is there a reason why?” You looked down, fiddling with your thumbs, a habit you had recently formed out of anxiety.

“W-well,” you stutter as your voice cracks, “I’ve always had a hard time with math. A-and chemistry has a lot of concepts about it that are hard for me to understand.” Which was true. Anything having to do with math you immediately panicked upon seeing. Math, to you, was a whole other language that you still couldn’t understand. Which was rich, considering you could speak four languages fluently. Chemistry was a lot like math and it even included it, so it was just another layer of confusion for you.

“I understand your frustration with the subjects,” she says with a nod, “You are not the only student here that struggles with them.” Yeah, you thought, like 12 kids out of the who knows how many here? This was a science and tech school for crying out loud; everyone around you was a prodigy! Well, except for Flash Thompson. “(Y/N),” Ms. Lee begins, “Do you know your current GPA*?” She looks up at you, to which you give her a shrug.

“It’s currently a 2.78,” She says as she points to the top of the report card, where it was displayed, “It’s not a bad score. However, compared to your GPA from your previous school year it has dropped significantly.” You furrowed your brows, waiting to see where she was going with this.

Ms. Lee looks at you very seriously and says, “If your grades continue to decline, you could potentially fail your junior year, and will have to repeat.” A lump formed in your throat upon this new information. Repeating a year of high school was up there with your biggest fears, along with heights and your dad. The mere idea of failing school started to make you internally panic.

Ms. Lee looks at you sympathetically, folding her hands upon her desk once again.

"I understand that moving across the country is incredibly difficult,” she starts, “You know that I'm from L.A. as well. I miss it dearly. All of my family and childhood friends reside there. I miss going to my favorite boba shops with my friends, I miss going to Malibu, and I even miss the forty-minute drives to go from one place to another! But oh boy, do I not miss the traffic." This made you chuckle, which brought a smile to her motherly face.

"However, I had to move here for college,” she continues, and you listened intently, “It was incredibly difficult for me to adjust to life here. Manhattan felt like a whole new world in comparison to Los Angeles. On top of that, I didn't know anyone here. I was alone, and the loneliness took a toll on my performance in school. Though you know what got me back up?" You shook your head in response.

"I got help. With the suggestion of a councilor I made a study group with a few of my classmates so we could all assist one another. As time went by, they eventually became my closest friends throughout college, and Manhattan as a whole. Additionally, when I didn't understand something in class, I went to the teacher for clarification. If they could provide it, of course."

"I will admit, it was incredibly hard for me to ask for academic aid," she looks down at her folded hands as she continues to reminisce about her past, "I grew up with this idea that I couldn’t do anything without my parent’s help. I depended on them to solve my problems and it damaged my self confidence. Then culminated this sense of guilt, because I felt like I was totally helpless. Though I tried to be self-sufficient, I was met with criticism because I would make mistakes. This led me to develop a perfectionism complex, and if I didn’t get something right on the first try I just gave up. It felt suffocating.”

“From the information you have told me these past months,” she looks up at you, “You are in that current situation. You’re afraid to ask for help because you think of it as a sign of dependence. That you cannot do anything without help. Which is unfortunate, because help shouldn’t have to feel like a burden.” Shit, she was right on the ball. All your life your parents would hold your hand whether you liked it or not. And just like she experienced, when you tried to be independent and failed, it only confirmed to your parents that you couldn’t do anything without them. That’s why you felt guilt whenever you were offered help; it was because it made you feel weak. Then when you tried to grasp at something on your own, you’d slip, and you would get frustrated and surrender your attempts all together. It was exhausting.

“Speaking of your parents,” she glances over at the computer monitor and back at you, “Are they aware of your current grades?” You shook your head in response, looking back down at your twiddling thumbs.

“Haven’t shown them any of my assignments this year,” you replied honestly, “My dad used to check up on my work, and then instead of trying to help me with corrections he’d take over my homework and make sure it was perfect. I-I got fed up with him doing everything for me so I told him to stop. He got mad and told me to never go back to him if I needed help with school.” Ms. Lee listened in intently as you spoke to her, which was what you really appreciated about her. She was like a therapist, very patient, and willing to listen to your troubles. Which was nice, considering that there was at least one adult in your life that was willing to listen to your troubles.

“I think it was very mature of you to tell your dad that,” she assures you, “Especially considering what you’ve told me about him. You wanted him to help you, not enabling you. How else will you learn, but through making your own mistakes?” If only your dad could listen in to the conversation you two were having, maybe he’d finally realize that he’s been wrong. But knowing your dad, he’d probably call Ms. Lee a fraud of a councilor so mauve it was best that he wasn’t there.

“I know you want to be independent of him,” she continues, “Any child would want to break away from that type of environment. It’s a pity that your father cannot be more supportive of you and your endeavors. You’re incredibly talented, (Y/N).” The compliment was very sweet of her, but for some reason, you believed she was saying that just to be nice. You heard her let out a worn-out sigh.

“Look,” she starts, turning the monitor back to face her, “In order for you to get into the college of your choice, art or not, you need to get a 3.0 or higher.”

“I can’t afford art college,” you admitted, “My parents would never help me with it, either.”

“There are several colleges that aren’t art universities but have excellent art programs,” she replies, typing on her keyboard, “Many of them being in California. And they cost half the price.” You looked up as this greatly piqued your interest. She turns the screen back to you and you look up, looking at the list of public schools that were ranked the top ten best art programs in the country, the majority of them being, as she said, in your home state. Your eyes widened in interest.

“You’re a smart very kid,” Ms. Lee assures you, but you give her a look, “You are. And if you can pull your grades up to a 3.0 or higher, you can apply for scholarships from these schools.” Damn scholarships always feel like a carrot on a stick, taunting you with their possibilities. However, with the amount you were being paid by Delmar for your work, you wouldn’t have a chance at paying for your college of choice. A scholarship could save you big time, and without the guilt of being a burden on your parents.

“If you can get them up by the end of the semester,” Ms. Lee says, “You’ll be secured for a scholarship. Maybe even more than one.” You chewed the inside of your lip, contemplating this information. Damn it, it seemed too good to be true. Getting your grades back up was much harder than bombing them, which you thought was totally unfair. The GPA system felt like a whole scam.

“This means you need to, pardon my language, kick your ass into gear,” she says, making you smile at her profanity, “But because math and chemistry are the classes that are giving you the most trouble, you will require extra help with them.” You raised a brow at her, sensing that she was getting somewhere with this. What was she up to?

“I'll set you up with a tutor,” she reveals, turning to you, “And don’t worry, they’ll be someone from school so your parents won’t have to pull out any pocket money. Your eyes widened in shock. A tutor? Was she being serious?!

You opened your mouth to object but she continues, “I talked to Cobwell and we’ve found the perfect tutor for you. A classmate of yours, actually.”

“W-wait, can’t I get tutoring from Cobwell? Or do those group tutoring sessions that student resources hold?” you asked, the idea of one it being one of your classmates sounding much worse than the tutoring itself.

“We did consider that,” she says, “But Cobwell just got assigned to assist Harrington with the academic decathlon, and we believe that because of your current situation, one-on-one would work for you best focus-wise.” You slumped back in your chair. Maybe you should have taken up Cobwell’s help when you had the chance. Now, you were going to be stuck spending an hour or more on subjects you hate with a burning passion with someone you probably don’t like. Speaking of which, you asked Ms. Lee who they chose to be your tutor.

“Oh, glad you asked,” she said, giving you a smile, “It’s Peter Parker.”

It took every inch of your body to hold the urge to scream. You did pray, though, that she was bluffing you. She had to be! But you saw no sign that she was fucking with you. You felt your body go into a cold sweat. You leaned toward Ms. Lee, horror in your eyes.

“Do you have anyone else but him?!” You cried, “Anyone?! I can not have him tutor me! Anyone but that loser!” Ms. Lee raises a brow at you, unamused by your reaction.

“Why not?” She asks, “He’s in all of your classes, as well as being the top student in math and chemistry.” You leaned back into the chair, letting a troubled and dramatic groan out.

“He’s a total numbskull!” you said exclaimed, throwing your hands up in the air, “Flash Thompson will never let down that I’m going to be babysat by Parker.”

“You should be more concerned about your grades than your reputation, (Y/N),” Ms. Lee comments, making you purse your lips, “Additionally, I’m making the tutoring mandatory. So if I find out that you purposely ditch Parker, you will be penalized.” You frowned upon hearing this. Of all things you wanted to happen in your life, being forced to be in the same room as Peter Parker was the last thing you wanted. And you were going to get punished if you ignored him?! Not cool.

“Plus,” she continues, “If you give him a chance, you’ll see that you both have much more in common than you think.” This has to be some cruel prank, it just has to! If you found out that the Norse god of mischief Loki was behind this, you would make sure to find him and kick his ass all the way to another dimension.

“B-but,” you leaned towards her, eyes narrowing suspiciously, “What if he becomes negligent again? MJ told me what he did last year with the decathlon team.” She hums in response, leaning back on her chair.

“I assure you that Peter will not do such a thing,” she replies, “Actually, the other reason why we chose him as your tutor is that he has to complete community service hours due to his misbehavior last semester.

“I’m community service now?!” you exclaimed. How humiliating! You dropped your head into your hands, letting out a dramatic groan.

“Look, I understand that you’re uncomfortable,” Ms. Lee says, sitting up in her chair, “But you deserve the help. And part of being independent is knowing when you need it. And you don’t have to feel ashamed to ask for it.” You looked up at her, seeing that she was watching you sincerely. You knew she meant well, it was her job, after all. Yet this was the worst possible situation you could've put it. Yet again, it is your fault for procrastinating assistance with school for this long. Still, you would’ve taken anyone but Parker as your tutor. Even Flash Thompson! You let out a huff and ran your fingers through your hair, trying to process all of this very unfortunate information.

“Peter is a nice kid,” she assures you, though you give her a look that says you think otherwise, “Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with him, it’ll help him help you. ” She points at you, and though she wasn’t doing it you could almost feel her finger pressing down on your chest. You bit your bottom lip, feeling unsure. Opening up to other people has become much harder for you since the move, and it’ll be much harder in an academic setting. Now, you have to do it with a person you deeply despise. She really was asking too much out of you.

You let out another sigh and straightened yourself then asked her “How often do I have to meet with him?” Please just once a month, you begged in your head.

“At least twice a week,” she answers, “I would like for you to meet with him tomorrow after school. The sooner you guys work the quicker you can improve.” A low groan was let out of you, earning a frown from her.

“I’ll be meeting with Parker tomorrow morning,” she said, turning to type on the computer, “You both will be in charge of scheduling hours. If you do it right, it shouldn’t affect art club hours or your feeding times for the animals in the biology laboratory.” You pouted. Junior year was already very hard, and this just added to the difficulty of it all. Would this tutoring even work?

“You’re a smart kid,” Ms. Lee says, “And I know you can do this. But you will need to be committed to this. Understand?” “Yes ma’am,” you said, begrudgingly.

The next day you arrived to class earlier than usual. The meeting with Ms. Lee gave you the thoughts of possibly failing school and having to work with the person you despised kept running through your thoughts, making it impossible to go to sleep. You noticed that the hall in which your locker was located had a speckle of people around, either chatting with their friends or just chilling by their lockers. You were leaning against yours, occupied with your phone as you watched yesterday's news on the touchscreen. You watched as the news anchor, the lady you had watched before at the bodega that there was yet another bodega stick-up that led to a fight between the robbers and Spider-man, this time in Hell’s Kitchen. The news cut to footage that showed him apprehending them, but took a few hits to the face and chest in the process. Your brows furrowed, worrying if he was okay since those hits looked pretty bad. He had mentioned to you before that he was able to heal quicker because of his powers, but you still couldn’t help but wonder if he was all right.

You heard your name being called out to you and you looked up to see Ned, who was approaching you with a wide smile spread across his face. Leaning away from your locker, you were about to give him a wave until you smelled something very putrid, making you cover your nose.

“Hey there!” he says, greeting you, “Have you seen Peter? I gotta give him his backpack.” He then held up a black and blue backpack, and you realized where the smell came from.

“Oh my god,” you said, scrunching your face, “Why the hell does that smell so bad?”

“Oh,” Ned looked at it, “I found it in a dumpster. Peter lost it.”

“How the hell did he lose it?” you asked with a frown.

“Ah,” Ned shifts uncomfortably, “Pete’s a bit clumsy sometimes, heh…” His face said that it was something else, but the smell prevented you from pressing any further.

“Why the heck did you bring it to school?!” You asked him, “It’s stinking up the whole hall!” You weren’t wrong, students around you were looking at the both of you and frowning as they too tried to cover their noses from the stench.

“Yeah,” Ned agrees, putting it down beside him, “I tried to put some spray-on air freshener on it but not even the smell of clean sheets could contain the scent of New York trash. Ned was a nice guy, but like Peter, he was also a bit goofy. Having enough of the smell, you turned to open your locker, where you rummaged through it until you found what you were looking for. Ned watched quizzically as you pulled out a beige-colored canvas tote bag. You turned and held it out to Ned.

“Take Peter’s supplies out of the backpack and put them in that,” you ordered Ned, who took the bag and looked at it in awe, “I have it as a backup in case I had paint spill in my backpack.”

“This is so cool!” Ned exclaims, holding up to his face, “And it even has a zipper in the opening! Did you make this?” You nodded. Last year you had taken a sewing class and had made a handful of items, tote bags being one of them. You had decided to make a few of them, some in which you gave as gifts to your friends and some that you made out of commission for your mom’s friends. Sewing, oddly enough, was something that you were pretty good at.

“Don’t tell Peter that I made it,” you said sternly, “Nor that I gave this to him. I don’t want him to know I did something nice.” Ned raised a brow at you but didn’t object.

“B-besides,” you added, motioning your head towards Peter’s backpack “I don’t want to smell that thing any longer.”

“Oh, right,” Ned said, unzipping the backpack, “I should probably throw this out. Sucks, ‘cuz he only got this two weeks ago.”

“Peter seems pretty careless,” You commented to Ned, watching him take out Peter’s supplies and putting them in the canvas bag.

“Nah,” Ned replies with a shrug, “He was much worse last year. He lost five backpacks within two months! At one point his aunt May threatened to let him go to school without one.” you furrowed your brows, concerned. What was Ms. Lee thinking!?

“And he’s going to be in charge of tutoring me?” you thought out loud, “I can’t believe this.”

“Peter’s going to tutor you?” Ned looks up, surprised. You told him about your meeting with Ms. Lee yesterday, explaining the whole situation. He listened, then nodded as you finished wrapping the story up.

“Well, I think you’re in good hands,” Ned reassures you, “Peter can be a doofus but he’s the smartest person I know. You’ll be passing in no time!” And speaking of the devil, you noticed from the corner of your eye that Peter Parker himself was jogging up to the two of you. As he approached, you noticed that his lip has a pretty nasty cut on it.

“Whoa, what the hell is up with that?” You exclaimed, pointing to your lip to mirror where the injury was on his face, “Did you get mugged or something?”

“Uh,” Peter looked over at Ned, who shifted his eyes at you, “Y-yeah! You know how aggressive New Yorkers are!” He says, then lets out a nervous chuckle.

“Right,” you said, narrowing your eyes at his suspicious behavior, “Did they take anything?” Before Peter could respond, Ned jumped in.

“His backpack!” he answers for him loudly, holding up the smelly bag yet again, causing both you and Peter to wince from the smell, “I found your backpack, Pete! The ones the muggers took! In the dumpster! What a coincidence! Haha!” Why on earth were these two acting so suspicious? They weren’t telling you something, though you wondered what was so secretive that they were trying to hide it from you? Then, you remembered something that MJ had mentioned to you the other day.

“Wait,” you raised a brow at the both of them, “Weren’t you guys hanging out yesterday? MJ told me you guys were going to the video game store in Hell’s Kitchen. You didn’t get mugged, Ned.” A look of panic plastered upon both of the boy's faces, and they exchanged looks with each other.

“T-the mugging happened when I was going home!” Peter stutters, his voice becoming higher, something you noticed he does when he’s nervous. Or lying.

“Y-yeah!” Ned says, nodding, “A-and I just happened to come across his backpack on my way back home!” This wasn’t the first time that they have acted like this with you before. One time they were like this with you while you were working at the bodega, where Peter had a pretty nasty black eye, and another time was when you caught Ned helping Peter skip the academic decathlon due to the Stark Internship, where the next day he had bruises on his knuckles. Dude seemed to get bruised up quite often, now that you thought about it. Before you could press any further with the two, Peter noticed the canvas bag.

“What’s that for?” Peter asks, pointing to it. Ned holds it out to him, telling him that his supplies are in there now.

“This is really nice!” Peter exclaims, taking the bag with excitement. You avert your eyes to the side as he asks his friend “Did you just have this with you, Ned?”

“Uh,” Ned turned to you, and you looked over at him. You better not tell him, you thought as your eyes met. Ned looks over to Peter.

“Yeah!” he replies, looking back to his pal, “It was just sitting in my locker. Luckily I had it on me today at this exact time.” He lets out another nervous laugh.

“I actually really like the look of it,” Peter says, admiring the bag, “I might use this as my book bag from now on.” That actually caught you by surprise. Did he like it that much? Hm, better not get careless with it, then you thought to yourself. Peter seems to then remember something, turning to you.

“Oh, (Y/N),” He starts, pulling the canvas bag through his arm and up to his shoulder, “I actually just met with Ms. Lee. She told me about the whole tutoring. thing.” You internally groaned. It was evident that you two would talk about that today, but not this early.

“She said she wanted us to meet today, right?” he asks, “Would it be okay if I could have your number?” You raised a brow at him. What the hell was he getting at?

“Why?” you asked, frowning.

“Oh,” He rubbed the back of his neck, “S-since we’re going to be working together it would be good if we had each other’s numbers. For scheduling and whatnot.” You closed your eyes and clenched your teeth. For long enough you’ve avoided having to have contact with this guy after school. Now, you would no longer be blessed with that privilege.

“Fine,” you said, begrudgingly. You swung your backpack to your chest and opened it, rummaging through it for your pencil pack. You found it and pulled a blue ballpoint pen from it, then swung it to the back once again

“Gimme your arm,” you said holding your hand out. He then held his arm close to his chest, giving you a wide-eyed, confused expression.

“W-why?” He asked. You gave him a look.

“I’d rather write it on your arm than a piece of paper so you don’t lose it,” you replied, “Once I gave my number to the president of the art club and she lost the paper, and then Flash found it and wouldn’t stop airdropping terrible memes from 2006.” That was the most annoying day of your life. You had to ask MJ to threaten him to stop because even when you blocked him he kept finding a way to send you stupid memes.

To this, he shrugged, understanding your reasoning. He pulled his blue sweater sleeve down to reveal his forearm, which you noticed was actually kind of fit. You moved it closer to him, grabbing his bare forearm gently and pulled it closer to you so you could write your cell phone number. You scribbled it horizontally, then once you were finished you pulled his sleeve down to cover it. The first warning bell of the day rings throughout the school, and you could see now that the hall was full of students, who began to shuffle past each other to get to their first-period class. The boys and you turned to look at each other.

“I’ll text you after school?” Peter says.

“Yeah,” you said, pulling your backpack straps up to your shoulder, “Let’s get to class.”

For the rest of the day, you were dreading the eventual meeting with Peter. During all of your classes together you desperately avoided talking to him as much as possible because you were so pissed at the idea of having to work with him. However, as the end of the school day wrapped up, you could not avoid him any longer. As you walked to your locker, you felt your phone vibrate and pulled it out of the pocket of your yellow windbreaker and saw that you received a text from an unknown number.

Hey, it’s Peter! it read, Let’s meet in the library. You let off a small huff and typed back k. You shoved your phone back into the pocket and trudged your way over to the library. Upon entering, you noticed that it was a bit crowded today but still remained moderately quiet (as libraries should be). Several students were huddled by the study tables, hunched over intently scribbling notes while others were at the computers, doing research for papers, or watching youtube videos. You scanned around for an empty study table that both you and Peter could occupy until you spotted one near the graphic novels section. You made your way over to it, plopping your backpack on one of the chairs to save for Peter.

Deciding to kill some time, you unzipped your red backpack and pulled out your sketchbook and pencil pack. Grabbing your mechanical pencil from the orange pouch, you flipped through your rugged hard-bound sketchbook to a blank page, where you then began to draw. You started to sketch those around you, like one student who was pretending to study but he was really watching Netflix on his phone, a girl that was coding on one of the computers, and the librarian, Mr. Fill. Soon you transitioned to drawing animals from the biology lab, like a starfish from the biology lab’s man-made tide pool, a garden eel named Pickles, the pink zebra beauty tarantula Zelda, and the corn snake Sir Elote II.

You then felt your mind drift and began to draw Spider-man, whom you’ve doodled more times than you can count. If anyone were to look through your sketchbook (which you let few do), they would find several pages full of sketches of the blue and red hero of Queens. To you, it was genuinely embarrassing how much you drew him. It was hard not to think about him when you had such a hard crush on him. You wondered what he would say if he knew you were drawing all of this fanart of him.

“Ooh, nice eel!” You heard a voice whisper to you. You looked up and saw Peter, who was looming over you as you drew in your sketchbook, making you jump a bit.

He takes your backpack from the chair beside you and sets it down beside you, then asks, “Does it have a name?”

“No…?” you answered as you watched him sit down beside you.

“Well,” he makes a goofy smile, “If you name it, its name should be Eel-i,” A silence hung over you as you looked at him, giving him the blankest look you have ever given anyone.

“G-get it?” his voice quivers, his smile wavering from your lack of response, “Like Eli?”

“I did,” you responded with a deadpan tone, “But that was probably the worst joke I have ever heard. And I work for a middle-aged dad.” His mouth pursed into a tight line and his ears went red, embarrassed at his horrible attempt of lightening the mood.

“So,” you let out a sigh, “have you ever tutored someone before?” “Nope,” he says, shaking his head in response as he tucked himself into the table, “What about you? Have you been tutored before?” You nodded in response. Back home you used to have a tutor in grade and middle school, who was actually your favorite teacher in the third grade. However, because of your dad seeing tutoring as a waste of money, you were forced to stop sessions when you went to high school, where he took on as a tutor. However, with your dad’s lack of patience, tutoring turned into a session in which he would criticize how slowly you understood the topics you were going over. At one point, it became too much for you, and you stopped asking for help with school-related subjects altogether.

“Great!” he exclaims, but in a controlled whisper as to not disrupt the students around him, “One of us has experience with this! So, I guess we should just go over what you’re having a hard time with.”

“Alright,” You put your elbow on the table and rested your head on the palm of your head, looking over at Peter, “Which subject are we talking about? Math or chemistry?”

“Uh,” Peter furrowed his brows in thought, “Chemistry? Since we had that quiz a couple of days ago.”

“I have a hard time with all of it.” You replied.

He blinks, a bit unsure of what to say. “U-uh, What do you mean by that?”

“It means what it means. I have a hard time with all of it. That’s why I’m in this position in the first place.”

“W-well, what part of the quiz did you have a hard time with? Maybe we can go over that today?”

“Hm,” you rubbed your chin in thought, digging into your brain trying to remember what was on that quiz since you tried to block it out of your memory. You thought for a few more seconds until you remembered something, then looked up at Peter and replied, “Well, bond energy got very confusing.”

“Great!” Peter exclaims, his eyes lighting up, “I mean, it’s not great that it was confusing for you, but great in the sense that we can start looking at that today.”

And so you did. Peter opened up the chemistry textbook and began to re-teach chemical bonds to you, despite both of you learning about them last week in class. Ten minutes in, you were able to pay some attention to what he was saying. However, twenty minutes in you started feeling your focus float away. You tried to grab at it like a piece of paper floating away in the wing, yet everything Peter was saying just went over your head. It didn’t really help that he kept saying “Right?” after stating something (“It depends on strength and interactions between cations and anions in lattice, right?”), and you just nodded in response even though you had no idea what the hell he was talking about. Thirty minutes passed and your focus completely turned off, and suddenly you could hear the sounds of keyboards being typed on, the scribbling of pens, and, oh shit, is that a fly in the library? Your focus had gone to anything else but Peter, who took notice when you wouldn’t respond to a question he asked you.

“Hey,” he turns to you with a concerned look in his hooded eyes, “You doing okay?” He put his hand on your shoulder, snapping you out of your daze.

“I-,” you looked over but averted your eyes away from him. You felt face heating up from embarrassment. Darn it, what’s wrong with you? Why was focusing on something such a task?!

“How about we take a break?” Peter suggests, closing the chemistry textbook and getting up and stretching his arms, “I’m going to grab something from the vending machine. Do you want anything?” You shook your head in response, then watched as he grabbed his wallet from the tote bag and headed out of the library. You let out a frustrated groan, which was a little too loud because it earned you a hush from Mr. Fill who just happened to pass by. You put your head in your hands, letting out a huff, and tried to figure out what was causing you to be like this right now.

As you thought back to the last thirty minutes, you realized that Peter was the one making the session so agonizingly dreadful. It felt like you were back in chemistry class all over again, and no offense to Mr. Cobwell but that wasn’t the most interesting class to you. Contemplating on everything that Peter was doing wrong, you also noted other faults such as his pacing while he , his assumption that you understand what he’s talking about, and his mundane voice that he used when he was explaining everything to you, making you want to fall asleep. You pressed your nails into your pals, newly-made fists shaking as your frustration with Parker grew. It wasn’t your fault that you couldn’t keep up! It was his fault for being so bad at teaching you! You looked up and saw that Peter had returned, two water bottles in each hand.

He approached you and set one bottle in front of you, saying “Thought you might be thirsty,” He got you a water bottle from the vending machine? Huh...that’s odd, you think.

Without saying a word, you looked down at your insulated water bottle that was tucked in one of the side-pockets of your backpack. He followed your eyes and noticed this, and his eyes widened with realization. He whispered an “Oh” to himself, but you turned back to the plastic one and took it out of courtesy, saying you could use it as a refill as you placed it in your backpack. He apologizes and sits back down in his chair. You give him a hollow thank you, to which he seems pretty pleased by.

“Okay,” he begins with a nod, re-opening the textbook and turning to the chapter you guys were just going over, “U-um, was there something that you needed some clarification on?” All of it, you thought, but you felt like that would’ve not been the least bit helpful to him. Wanting to protect your ego and get the hell out of here, you just pointed to a random section on the page that read Hybrid orbitals. He looked to where you pointed and nodded.

He says, grabbing his pencil, “Let’s go over that again.” You held the urge to let out a groan. Time to suffer more! However, about twenty-five minutes in and you grew incredibly bored with Peter’s dull rambling. Your mind checked out and instead of paying attention, you began drawing circles instead of taking notes in your notebook, to which Peter noticed.

He put his pencil down and turned to you, asking “Hey (Y/N), You listening?” You jumped in surprise, looking up to see him catching you in the act. Without thinking you nodded, but he made an expression that thought otherwise.

“Right,” he then points with his pencil to a diagram on the textbook page, “Can you explain to me what this is?” You gazed down at what he was referring to, and your mind went blank. What on earth were you guys talking about again? The lack of sleep from last night had made you loopy and exhausted earlier than usual, making it hard to think straight. You tried your hardest to think of what the hell that could possibly be, but you couldn’t think of anything for the life of you.

“It’s...a bond?” you answered, looking up at him sheepishly.

“Okay…” he leaned forward a bit, “But...what kind of bond?”

“A…” You looked back at the diagram, then back at him, “Chemical one?”

“Yes,” he replied, but you could tell he was trying to get more out of you, “But it’s a special kind of chemical one. It’s a…?”

“Very special chemical bond,” you replied without thinking, and you wanted to kick yourself in the head for such a dumb answer. Peter blinks at you blankly.

“It’s a hybridized orbital,” he responds, “You weren’t paying attention.” You felt your face heat up. It’s one thing to not be paying attention a, but getting caught was so much worse

“S-sorry,” you said shyly, hunching over out of habit, “B-but it’s not my fault this stuff is so boring!”

“I get that it’s difficult to understand,” Peter assures you, leaning back in his chair, “But when something seems confusing, you need to tell me at the moment.” You frowned at him. Who was he to tell you what you do?

“Well sorry,” you sarcastically say as you crossed your arms in a huff, “It’s a bit difficult when the person you’re listening to is incredibly mundane.”

“Excuse me?” He turns to you, annoyed, “I asked you several times if you understood what we were talking about.”

“Yeah, but you kept assuming that I knew what you were blabbering about. You were going too fast, too. Not my fault I can’t keep up with you.”

“Then you should’ve told me to slow down!” he exclaims irritably, “I’m here to help you, not confuse you.” You let out a sarcastic laugh and. What was his problem?! Why was he getting annoyed at you? It’s not your fault you were telling the truth! He just can’t take criticism.

“Well, some help you are.” You looked over at him, “Can’t believe the smartest kid in our grade can’t figure out how to teach someone.” He clenched his jaw.

“Look, I’m sorry,” he says, trying to control his current aggravation, “But in order for me to help you, I need your feedback. If you had just said something-”

“You want feedback?” You raised your voice and turned to him, cutting him off, “I’ll give to you feedback! You’re boring to listen to, you have the talking pace of the Roadrunner, and you have the personality of a stalk of celery. You’re built like one, too.” Students around you began to stop what they were doing and watch the two of you make a scene in the library.

“What the hell is your problem with me?!” he asks irritably, “I’ve been trying to be nice to you since you got here, but all you do is treat me like shit. Even when I’m doing nothing you act maliciously towards me! What have I done to piss you off so much?”

“You exist.” you spit out angrily. A heavy silence hung over the both of you as you stared daggers at each other, the students around you holding their breaths in anticipating. However, you had enough of his stupidity, so you grabbed your notebook and backpack and stormed out of the library, ignoring the looks and whispers you were receiving from the students that were observing you. As you exited the room, you reached for your phone to text your mom that you were heading home. As you pulled it out of your pocket, it slipped from your fingers and bounced three times onto the school’s hallway until it ended with a cracking sound. You felt your heart clench in fear and rushed to go pick it up. A spew of cusses left your mouth as you saw three cracks upon the screen.

------

Annotations

*=GPA stands for Grade Point Average

#peter parker x reader #spiderman x reader #spider-man reader insert #MCU fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #peter parker reader insert #peter parker fanfiction #peter parker x y/n #bad Ideas fic #tom holland #tom holland fanfic

12 notes · View notes

meta-squash · 3 years

Note

Your ADHD procrastination post has really stroke a nerve with me. I've had the same issue for years, but thought it's normal for everyone. Since about a year or so, I've been wondering if I may have an undiagnosed ADHD along diagnosed conditions. If it's not too personal, how else ADHD manifests in you? I hope it's okay to ask. I love hearing women's stories about ADHD because they are much different than the stereotypical image of it...

It’s not too personal! (FYI I go by they/them pronouns, but I am afab; it’s all good though!) Also, this got VERY long, I’m sorry! I’m verbose and have a lot to say, apparently.

So I personally have a weird relationship with ADHD. I was diagnosed with it (or some sort of attention deficit thing) when I was in like 3rd or 4th grade. I was briefly medicated but I think I was on Ritalin (I forget) and my child body couldn’t handle it; I was a zombie during the day and then when it wore off at night I was Evil and freaked out and wanted to fight everything. So I went off it pretty quick and didn’t get medicated after, presumably because my parents thought my ADHD wasn’t bad enough.

The reason they probably thought that is because my brother has Really Bad ADHD. Like, all the classic stereotypical symptoms and characteristics to the extreme: never shuts the fuck up, really damn loud all the time, extremely high energy, can learn pretty much anything in about 5 seconds but can’t actually hang on to an interest really (now that he’s an adult he can, but not as a kid), can’t sit still or pay attention in class, doesn’t finish homework, etc etc. I was able to mask mine and function enough to get through school just riding pretty much on my humanities grades alone. It sucked a lot but I somehow did it. I had an IEP (Individual Education Plan, which is a US school thing for kids with learning disabilities and such that allows for accommodations and assistance in school) but it didn’t do much except I think give me extra time on math tests because of my dyscalculia (I was in Special Ed Math my whole grade school career). My mother is an OT but I also think that (as you said) ADHD in afab people often manifests differently than in amab people, so I guess my parents just didn’t know what to look for and that’s why I never really got the same help as my brother.

I like to jokingly categorize ADHD into two distinct but overlapping types: Fast ADHD and Mush Brain ADHD. Fast ADHD (in my opinion; this may vary from person to person) is the classic stereotype symptoms. Fast ADHD’s focus problem is too much happening all at once. Lots of thoughts and ideas flying by and you get distracted mid-thought with another thought, or your train of thought gets really crazy but is super fast so your reply to someone’s comment might not make much sense to anyone else because they weren’t privy to your brain’s journey, or you go down a focus worm-hole and sit and do One Thing all day and forget to surface for things like food/water/bathroom. Fast ADHD has more energy (though when paired with depression that usually manifests as restlessness or anxiety) and is quicker to pick up new things. Mush Brain ADHD is kind of the opposite. Thoughts take longer, or you think of something and then it almost immediately disappears (for example, scrolling a website, seeing something that you want to google, you scroll for like 5 more seconds and think “wait, I completely forget what I was going to look up”). With Mush Brain ADHD it’s harder to have conversations because thought-to-mouth time is slower, rather than (with Fast Brain) lots of stuff is going on up there. Mush Brain often feels like, well, mush and like you can’t really form thoughts very well if you want to do stuff. It’s like you’re trying to focus on thinking a thought but it just slides away. Another way I’d describe it is having thoughts but it’s like they’re on a blackboard and they’re being erased as you think them, so they end up mostly smears. Obviously, this is just based on my own experiences as a Mush Brain ADHD person while my brother has Fast Brain ADHD, so this might be different for other people.

Both have lots of overlaps: executive dysfunction (that’s the big one), insomnia, auditory processing problems, hyperfixation (which is not a bad thing! I love my hyperfixations! They’re fun!), absolutely crap organizational skills, constantly losing things, really bad perception of time, detachment from the world (like you drift off into your own daydream, or things feel distant, but not quite the same as depersonalization/dissociating), difficulty making choices, sensory processing disorder, crap abilities with money, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and often comorbid mental illnesses like depression, OCD, anxiety, dyscalculia/dyslexia, etc.

Oh, and a lot of ADHD characteristics also overlap with depression characteristics (and a lot of people with ADHD have comorbid depression, so it really doesn’t help).

But I can tell you about my own experiences with some of these.

The Big One which is basically what that schrodingers motivation post is about, is executive dysfunction. People also call it procrastination (it only kind of is) or inertia. Basically, executive dysfunction is where the difficulty lies in starting the task. You want to do something, but you just can’t get going to do it. You get sort of paralyzed. It even happens with things you like. For example, when I made that post, there was a short (just over 100 pgs) book I wanted to read before the end of the day. It’s a good book! It’s on my reading list! I want to read it! But I just sat on my computer and watched dumb youtube videos because that’s what I was already doing and executive dysfunction makes starting tasks really hard. This happens to me a lot. It can happen with reading a book, or getting up to go to the store and buy groceries, or making a meal, or watching a movie. The movie-watching one happens to me a lot. Basically it’s the brain struggling to switch tasks; you’re scrolling tumblr, and that’s what your brain is focused on, and it doesn’t know how to switch from doing that to doing your bio homework or folding the laundry or whatever the task may be. This happens with “bigger” or more complex tasks too, like starting an art project or starting a new book, because your brain has to figure out all the components of that task (I need these items for my project and this amount of time and I need to use them in this order) which is overwhelming, or it needs to comprehend how “big” the task is (how much time/concentration should I try and commit to in order to read this book) which is sometimes hard to gauge. Oh, also this can happen if you’re interrupted in the middle of a task, whether it’s to do another thing or just to answer a question or something; it’s hard to get back to it because it’s another kind of switching tasks. Aside from the blackboard-being-wiped-thoughts, this is my biggest ADHD problem. I can go more into how I dealt with executive dysfunction in college and now if you want!

Auditory processing issues is another thing that I deal with, although to a lesser extent than some people. It just means it’s harder for your brain to process sounds/talking. Part of this, for me, is because if someone is talking to me but there’s other noises (music, other conversations, general loudish ambiance) going on around us, my brain treats them all as equally important and I can’t focus in on the person talking. Another part for me is in my experience I seem to process conversation different from explanation. If I’m talking back and forth with someone about something and it’s not terribly important, I’m fine. If they’re trying to explain something to me, give me instructions, or read a passage of text to me, it just does not stick in my brain. If I’m helping my best friend with her grad school applications, I have to read the sentence she’s asking me check, I can’t have her read it to me. If she does read it to me, I’ve realized that I try to imagine the words as text in my head so I comprehend it better (it doesn’t always work). Auditory processing issues means that a lot of my conversations in public with people who are not my close friends (and therefore easier to pick out from the noise because familiar and/or easier to predict because familiar) are filled with a lot of me going “what?” Retail conversations with customers are slightly easier because there’s at least a mild “script” that they’ll stick to, usually.

Another one I experience is organizational problems. This one was bad enough that I actually went to a tutor-like thing to help me with it for most of grade school. Basically, I had no ability to organize tasks like doing homework or other activities, so things would get forgotten/lost/never even written in the calendar/etc. I couldn’t do projects because I couldn’t (and still kinda can’t) organize far enough into the future. I didn’t know how to break the project down across multiple days or weeks and make it manageable without totally forgetting pieces of it. I’d forget to write down homework when the teacher wrote it on the board, or I’d write it down but forget to do it. Or I’d do it but misplace it or leave it at home. My perception of time was also really crap; I couldn’t read an analogue clock until I was in maybe 6th grade? Even now I sometimes have trouble. It was hard to know how much time I had to allot to certain projects because I didn’t really have good perception of how hours fit in the day and how much time until homework is due and stuff. (Which meant lots of finishing things in class minutes before I had to turn it in and stuff. Once in uni I completely forgot to do an Entire Essay; luckily it wasn’t a class I needed to graduate.)

Along with this is losing EVERYTHING. I misplace things CONSTANTLY. I’ll put something that’s in my hand down to get a cup of tea or something, or even just to like, move a blanket, and I’ll forget where I put it. I’ve solved this problem with Important Things (wallet, phone, and keys always go next to my bed, for example, and rarely move from there if they’re not in my pocket. All important papers go in my Important Papers Folder as soon as soon as possible) but I lose regular stuff all the time. I’ll be working on an art project, I’ll put my glue stick down to reach for a piece of paper, and lose the glue stick in the time it takes to pull the paper towards me. The other day I was brushing my teeth and I put the toothbrush cover down to say hello to the cat and forgot where I had put it down once I had followed her to the next room. When things have a Place it’s easier, but I’ve learned to live with going “Where the FUCK did I put this thing? I had it a second ago!” at least once a day.

The “Mush” in “Mush Brain” is another big one for me. I don’t know if this has, like, a name? Or anything? It’s just what I call it. The best description for it would either be that blackboard description from above, or like you’re struggling to get to a thought through a lot of mud. Oftentimes I’ll have a sort of concept of a thought but not something full, and I know it’s there, but I can’t get to it. This is really apparent when I’m trying to remember a synonym for something, or trying to elaborate on certain concepts or pull ideas from texts. It doesn’t happen all the time. I was an English lit major in uni, so this affected me a lot back then. It’s sort of a similar feeling to reading the same sentence over and over and not registering the words, except it’s in your own brain instead. This kind of goes away for me when I’m writing/typing. Writing this out is easy (minus me forgetting the word executive dysfunction for like 5 minutes) but if you were asking me to explain this aloud I would struggle, probably. This is probably because I can stare at what I’ve written to see what’s missing or edit my thoughts, which I can’t do while I’m speaking, and also can’t do to other people’s interactions with me.

Just a general inability to focus is also one I struggle with. It goes with the “mush brain” to an extent but I think it’s different. It’s more like my brain doesn’t want to, well, focus on anything. If I’m just messing around on my laptop, that means I end up clicking back and forth between tabs endlessly because nothing is holding my interest. If I’m trying to read or do anything “intellectual” or “academic” it means I just can’t get myself to read or I can’t keep my thoughts on what I’m trying to write no matter how hard I try. Nothing holds my interest for long enough, it’s like brain restlessness. I try and concentrate on doing something, watching something, reading something, and my brain just slides away from it.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria is something I experience on a more minor level. It’s something that also overlaps with anxiety and depression. Basically, it’s a really intense emotional reaction to (perceived) rejection. For example, if my best friend says something to me with a certain tone or gets mad at me for doing something minor, my brain just goes “She hates you! She doesn’t want to be friends with you! You should isolate in your room and never speak to anyone again because you’re so annoying and terrible!” I know that’s mostly incorrect (although I also know I’m quite annoying and that’s another ADHD characteristic; knowing you’re annoying someone in some way and having no idea how to stop) so I can fight it but sometimes I do end up holing up in my room for a little bit. Things like criticism (whether towards you or towards, like, an essay or something) can also trigger this reaction. So can things like having an expectation that you’ll be good at something, and then failing at it or just not being as good as you’d hoped. (I developed a sort of defense mechanism for this one of never expecting to be good at things and never expect higher than a C in a class.) It also can come with a sense of feeling inferior around people doing similar things. It happens to me a lot here on tumblr, actually, because I’ll write a meta about something, and then read someone else’s good meta on the same thing, and feel like I’m an idiot and they’re really smart and nothing that I wrote was insightful or good. It happened to me in uni a lot too. It also happens to me kind of...secondhand, now. What I mean is, my best friend/roommate is extremely smart. Like genuinely one of the smartest people I know and an incredible thinker, straight A’s at uni in a degree she created, etc. She still gets imposter syndrome herself and feels like she’s not smart, and when she says she’s not smart, I feel bad for her but I also feel really terrible about myself, because if she thinks she’s stupid, then what am I? But again, it’s an overreaction to perceived rejection. It still sucks though.

There’s some evidence that ADHD comes with a whacked out sleep schedule. And not just insomnia (although that too, I know this because it’s 7am and I haven’t slept yet lol), but also Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder. Which basically means that most people’s circadian rhythms start slowing down so they’ll go to sleep around like 11pm-1am-ish, give or take. ADHD circadian rhythms are shifted so often we start getting tired around 3am or even 4 or 5am. (This is different from insomnia, btw, with DSPD you can fall asleep fairly easily, you just get tired later in the night; with insomnia it’s an inability to or difficulty in falling asleep quickly.) I always thought I’d just gotten my dad’s night owl genes, but it’s more likely that it’s the ADHD. I also have at least mild insomnia and it takes me a million years to fall asleep a lot of the time.

Hyperfixations are the Fun part of having ADHD (in my opinion). They can get in the way sometimes but they’re also really comforting and nice. Hyperfixations happen when you find an interest and it’s basically all you want to think or talk about, and you relate to the world through it, and you want to learn everything about it. It’s also a characteristic of autism. I’m not autistic, so I don’t know if there are major differences between ADHD hyperfixation experiences and autism ones. Anyway, often hyperfixations stick with you for a good amount of time, depending on the strength, and then you might find something else to focus on. Some of my hyperfixations have lasted a few months, some up to 4 years. A lot of ADHD people rotate through the same or similar ones. For example, a hyperfixation I had back in 2011-2014/15ish was Les Miserables. I then found a different thing to hyperfixate on. This past year I have returned to Les Mis. Hyperfixations are usually pretty cool, because it’s usually something you really like and enjoy learning about or doing and it’s kind of like the thing your brain would rather be doing/focusing on.

Personally, I’ve lived so long without ADHD medication that I’m fairly functional without it just due to coming up with personal adaptations and stuff. The thing that I have the hardest time with/that upsets me the most is the Mush Brain part, which also gets worse when my depression gets worse. I really would love to have clear, quick thoughts whenever I want. It’s frustrating to hold a conversation or try to write creatively and quickly when it takes forever for thoughts to fully crystallize in my brain and then come out my mouth or fingers. Right now I don’t have very good health insurance (all blame to covid layoffs) so I can’t really do the meds thing but I often wish I could. My ADHD is definitely not as intense or severe as some people’s. I have friends, and also my brother, who struggle a lot more than I do, and with different things

Holy hell this was so long. Feel free to message me if you have any questions! Or if you want me to elaborate on some of the things I do to deal with stuff.

#asks #squash rambles #wow i'm so sorry #as an adhd person i know that is a lot of text to read #i'm too verbose for my own disorder lol #seronility #adhd

3 notes · View notes

aliferous-ly · 6 years

Text

Ambitious

this was a fic long in the making.... it’s,,, pretty personal but i want to post it so lol. me in math

Summary: “Virgil, ironically, religiously completed his homework while Logan finished much of it two or one night before the test (when the homework packet was checked to gain the option of correcting a test). Logan’s approach was not at all systematic, but had worked thus far.

Well... until, that is... calculus.”

Words: 1860

Genre: it’s angst. not like, heavy themes angst just... yeah.

Pairing: platonic analogical ig, mainly none

Warnings: LOTs of self deprecating thoughts in here. incompetency , etc. mentions of thorns (metaphorical), sharp thorns. virgil forgets to take care of himself. it’s not a satisfying ending, and if there’s anything else please tell me!

Tags: @sassy-in-glasses @rose-gold-roman @justanotherpurplebutterfly @anxious-but-whatever @echomist13

“You’re too ambitious for your own good.”

Logan blinked and frowned, hands curling into the fabric of his backpack. “Sorry?”

“Dude, TA? What are you even doing with your life?” Roman said, laughing and shoving grapes into his mouth at the same time. “You barely have enough time as is, I can’t imagine yet another responsibility...”

“I’m fine, I have plenty of time,” Logan said, waving his hand. He spent needed time on classes, yes, but no more than he should be.

“Yeah, I don’t doubt that,” Roman said. “You’re crazy good at managing time.”

Logan nodded uncertainly. “I keep a planner and don’t procrastinate.”

“That is such a lie and you know it,” Roman said, laughing. “How many social studies essays have you bullshitted on the last day?”

Logan sniffed. “I’d say about five.”

Roman snickered and knocked shoulders with him. “Alright, Einstein. How’s math with the Virge?”

“Calc is... fine,” Logan said. He stared at his sandwich, a gross knot of feelings tightening in his gut.

“Calculus sounds so hard,” Patton said, entering the conversation after watching their back and forth.

“It is hard.” Logan sighed, and leaned his cheek on his palm, elbow propped up on the table. “I don’t understand anything. The lessons are quick and complex, it’s hard to keep up, especially with everything else going on right now.”

“Yeah, you have a busy week,” Patton said sympathetically. “But you’ll be okay! You’re our smart Logan, you’ll get it!”

A thorn jabbed into Logan’s chest at the statement, a growing vine of sharp points twisting and squeezing. “...Yeah.”

He tapered off and took a bite of his sandwich, letting Roman take the wheel of the conversation and explain the newest drama between Remy and Nate, who everyone thought were going to get together despite Remy’s obvious infatuation with band nerd Emile Picani.

Logan listened attentively, the thorn twisting deeper and deeper.

—

“See ya after school,” Roman said, waving as he left for spanish.

“Bye,” Logan said, heading off to class. He moved around a line of girls walking on the wrong side of the hallway.

Roman’s earlier statement kept bouncing around in his head – was he too ambitious? He knew he was ambitious, yes, but...

Well, as least he wasn’t actually a TA, just a helper around his old english teacher’s class in his free period. Many times he was there to receive help from her for his new, more advanced english class.

But... he would spend more time teaching other kids, helping around a classroom, than he would studying, which cut into more time at home...

Logan mentally shook himself. No need to focus on that now.

“Hey.”

Logan glanced to the right and saw Virgil meandering alongside him, a crooked grin set on his face.

“Hi,” Logan said back, nodding his head in greeting. “Ready for calc?”

“No,” Virgil said, snorting. “Never.”

“That’s fair,” Logan said. His hands clenched a little tighter around his backpack straps. “How do you think you did on the test yesterday?”

“Dude, you should’ve seen me taking it,” Virgil said, spreading his hands in front of him, palms down, as he spoke. “My hands were clutching the pencil so hard. If he can read my equations it’s a miracle. I think I almost passed out.”

“That’s... not good,” Logan said. He frowned in thought. “Was the stress that much for you? Perhaps a different form of test could be done...”

“Nah, just a lot of little things, y’know? Didn’t eat or drink much, got maybe three hours of sleep from studying all night...”

“Oh,” Logan said, falling silent. “That’s... still not good.”

“Yeah,” Virgil said, screwing up his face. “I know.”

“Did you eat breakfast this morning?”

“No.”

“Water?”

“...also no.”

“Have my water bottle,” Logan said, reaching behind himself and hooking his finger on the loop of his water bottle. “I think I have an extra in my locker from last week.”

“I...” Virgil stared at the bottle shoved into his chest and grabbed it to stop it from crashing to the ground. “I can’t take this.”

“Then throw it away,” Logan stated firmly. He walked into the calc room, cutting off the conversation for a few seconds. Virgil mumbled something, playing with the hard plastic of the bottle absentmindedly.

He and Virgil had been in the same math class since sixth grade, save the last year when they’d been devastated to learn they’d have to take pre-calculus without one another. They knew each other’s ups and downs, they knew how the other functioned in relation to math.

Virgil, ironically, religiously completed his homework while Logan finished much of it two or one night before the test (when the homework packet was checked to gain the option of correcting a test). Logan’s approach was not at all systematic, but had worked thus far.

Well... until, that is... calculus.

Calculus.

How he hated calculus.

The test had been more difficult than any test he remembered in math, and it was only the first one. His teacher was more than understanding. In fact, Logan had spent an hour and a half with him after school, working through homework problems and such, and his teacher had – on multiple occasions – mentioned that it was okay to not do well right off the bat. It was okay to not understand.

Calculus was not like other math.

“Are we getting the tests back today?” Logan said numbly, sliding his backpack off his shoulders and settling into the chair.

“God, I hope not,” Virgil mumbled, face down on the table. “I don’t want to face my failure just yet.”

“Ugh, yeah,” Logan said, wrinkling his nose. “I just want to know what I got and be done with it. I’ll be stressing all weekend otherwise.”

“Even if you get a bunch wrong?”

Logan laughed. “You mean when I get a bunch wrong?”

Virgil grinned at him. “Oh what a mood.”

Logan cracked a smile back, but before he could reply, the teacher was talking and class had begun. They exchanged a few more quips in lulls or when they were working on problems.

Only... Logan didn’t get it. He didn’t understand any of the problem... sure, he could type it into his calculator just fine, and sure, he could calculate the height and time and so forth, but he didn’t understand what his teacher was actually trying to teach – the theory behind it. The why. Normally Logan’s favorite part.

“Any questions? You’re good?” the teacher asked the class, examining everyone to make sure he’d gotten through to them.

Please repeat that entire explanation but slower and more thoroughly, Logan thought pitifully.

“Alright, then, with that...” he continued on, writing on the smartboard. Every so often he would pause and ask for the answer to a particular question and someone would shout it out. Only heaven knew how they knew the answer, because Logan felt like they could’ve asked what seven minus nine was and Logan would have to take a dozen seconds to figure it out.

He struggled through the three simple practice problems and when the teacher went through them he numbly wrote the answers and the process, trying trying trying to comprehend what it all meant, what the numbers on the page equated to and which belonged to where and how this all applied –

“Now, I won’t be giving this equation twice. This is the only time I’m giving it to you,” his teacher said, laughing a bit. Logan felt like weights were slowly attaching themselves to the vine around his lungs, dragging his heart lower and lower.

Virgil was dutifully jotting all the notes down, handwriting a little jumbled. Logan tried to focus on his paper, the lines starting to run together and his hand shaking between his fingers. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. Why don’t I understand?

Logan wrote down a few more notes, trying to make sense of the equation set before him, the equation given at the beginning of class, the equation he’d learned all about not five minutes before. I don’t understand I don’t understand I don’t understand

I’m stupid. Logan was familiar with the voice in his head and he made sure he copied everything from the teacher. Maybe he could relearn it in another hour. Maybe then he’d be okay. Why did he take this class? I’m stupid, why did I take such a hard class?

Logan considered himself relatively smart, all things considered. He managed to get into many advanced classes, shooting himself two years ahead of his peers in math. Virgil, along with other math students his age whom he’d learned to recognize relatively consistently, had also been thrown forward two years.

One semester of calculus in two semesters or two semesters of calculus in two semesters?

At the time, it’d barely been a question. Of course he’d take the most advanced class – he was Logan Sanders. He didn’t shy from a challenge, and wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he took the one in two. He needed max college credits.

I don’t understand I don’t understand I don’t understand

Too ambitious for my own good

“Ha, I barely understood any of that,” Logan said weakly as they were packing their things.

Virgil shrugged. “Yeah. It’ll make sense soon. You’ll probably learn while taking the test, knowing you.” He ended the statement with a quick burst of laughter and Logan smiled back, lips wobbly and nervous.

He had a tendency to do that in pre-calc, not quite understanding the content until the test itself, but even he could realize that calculus – at least, the one he was taking – was on a completely different level.

I don’t understand I don’t understand

Logan was crouched by his backpack, zipping everything back up, when the thought struck him like a bullet. I’m not smart enough for this class.

He’d never been not smart enough for a class. Teaching incompatibilities, perhaps, or the content needed a bit more work than instant comprehension, but never completely missing the lesson, the point of the lesson. Math built on itself; losing a lesson was like losing a vital block while building a tower, and when a great wind blows the tower must stand strong.

The thought struck him so strongly and quickly that he couldn’t move for a few long seconds. Virgil rustling around in his bag brought him back to the present and he stood, long legs shaking imperceptibly.

Logan shifted on his feet. “Ready to go?” At least his voice sounded natural.

“Yeah,” Virgil said, slinging the bag over his shoulder and stalking out the door, eye on Logan.

Logan followed but couldn’t bring himself to speak, a lump settling in his throat and refusing to budge.

They walked in silence.

Logan could barely breathe.

I’m not smart enough for this class.

A bit too late, huh?

Too bad if you drop you’ll be the utter disappointment. You want to go into a math career, and you’re going to fail calculus? What a joke.

Logan shuddered and parted from Virgil, who was headed to his chem class.

I’m not smart enough for this class.

Too ambitious.

#sanders sides fanfiction #logan sanders #logan sanders angst #platonic analogical #virgil sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #brabbles #aghhhhhhhh #its better now i think i understand more but math is HARD #im usually good at math ;-;

172 notes · View notes

chuckling-chemist · 6 years

Text

A Request To Ask

((I swear I have like 3 other half-finished pieces but I became obsessed with Thomas Dolby and couldn’t stop))

“Okay, according to our recordings from the NMR spectra here, we’re likely looking at...hey Dontoc can you hand me the molecular weights chart?”

She heard a chuckle from the body next to her. “You do not have these memorized by now?”

Pallia snorted. “Do you?”

“Of course not. I am not the one who does this regularly. Rather, I have been merely helping you with your ah...my apologies but what did you say we were doing?” He let out another laugh, more sheepish than before. “I understand we are identifying proteins and bashing together electrons, however it has been so long since we started, it is slipping from my memory.”

She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose before turning up to face him. Since he still didn’t quite have a lab coat of his own, he instead swam in Glacin’s spare one. The sleeves were folded up several times over, and even then it was hard to see where his hands actually began. At least the goggles fit, even if she had to help finangle them around his fins so nothing pinched. “I’ve been trying to identify various genomic properties in those of the tyrian pink caste so I can compare them to other castes known for violent tendencies and see if I can find some sort of biological component to their competition towards each other. But so far all I’ve gotten is...nothing.”

Dontoc craned his neck to get a better look at the papers laid out. “That does not look like nothing.”

She shook her head, pencil tapping against the table sharply. “Well this much wouldn’t indicate anything. I still need to do all the math to determine which amino acids are in this specific protein and all the other ones we did tonight still sitting there.”

“And what about those we already ran?”

“Well…” she inhaled sharply, “we’ve done wonderfully making long, complex amino acid chains. But as far as any possible chains that I know function to inspire higher competition responses than cooperation in comparison to other trolls?” She groaned. “Nothing. And I’m easily halfway through at this point with the math alone.”

Dontoc hummed in understanding. He shifted closer to her with the chart, not enough so they were touching, but nevertheless still enough she could feel the colder seadweller body temperature chill her own skin. “I hardly think there is any harm in dropping a false lead, so to speak,” he said.

“I’ve gotten so far though!” She groaned. “And who knows, I could still use this information. Do you realize how little information we have have on fuschias? Really seadwellers in general, but it’s especially hard to get information on an exclusive caste with all of maybe five trolls at a time in it.”

“Fair, fair. Perhaps another night then? Place a raincheck on this endeavor.” Dontoc raised an eyebrow, glancing at her curiously. “We can parse this out in the future after a well-deserved break.”

“We?” Pallia met his gaze, a sly smile on her face. “You are aware all I’ll be doing for who knows how long is math right?”

“You are the one who has called me pleasant company, dear.” He tapped the image of the spectra. “Also, if you could perhaps show me during our next set of NMR experimentation how to calculate this, I could always assist. Mathematics is a strong suit of mine.”

“You’re pleasant, distracting company,” she retorted. At the sight of his fins shrinking, she hurriedly added, “That’sss not a problem! Just a statement. And a distraction might be good, anyway.”

“No-no...you’re ah...you are fine.” He head and fins shook, almost as if to erase the surprise from his face. He didn’t speak until his composure had mostly returned. “I have never been called a distraction before.”

“And now you have. You’ve moved on up in Alternia.” She grinned and slid the printouts closer to him so he could look at them if he wanted.. “Who knows, maybe we’ll actually get something done. Figure something out about fuchsias that might contradict what we think we know. If we’re really lucky, it’ll explain something and it’ll make dealing with them all the easier.”

“‘Dealing?” he asked in amusement. “Seems like a harsh term.”

“You aren’t the one stitching up Mayola’s FLARP members. And now that I think about it, you are never here for when Mayola and Aisral start to go at it like hopbeasts. You always seem to manage to escape over to Careen’s for the worst of it. Speaking of, honestly…oh.” She dug her fangs into her lip, using it to ignore the heat rushing to her face. A laugh eventually escaped out of her throat in a pitiful attempt to ease the growing awkwardness in her mind. “Wait. Right. You guys are matesprits. Very different dynamic than what we have. Ignore me.”

Dontoc shrugged, giving her a half-hearted wave. “Pallia, please do not worry about it. With how little you see of the two of us together, and how little I talk about it, I would say it is an honest mistake.”

“I still feel bad because like...you have talked about her and I have seen you two together. Especially since every time I see you both together, it’s uh...a lot to take in. No offense.” She scrunched up her face. “Actually I might have forgotten because I try to erase those scenes from memory.” Truthfully, Pallia constantly forgot the two were matesprits because they were such an odd couple. Sure, they weren’t an odd couple in the traditional Alternian sense - the type you could see on in romantic comedies and sitcoms where a dopey, shabby lowblood ends up with a pristine, hyper-intelligent landdwelling highblood - but once you knew even an inkling of their personalities it started to show. Careen was, in every sense of the word, condescending, arrogant and stuck-up. And Dontoc...wasn’t. Or if he was, he at least had the good sense to not act that way around Pallia.

Then again, maybe it didn’t. Pallia had a massively negative experience with Careen, and certainly Aisral couldn’t stand her, but who knows. She might be nicer to true blues and purples. Plenty of trolls behaved like that, and with Careen at the top, it’s not like such was an impossibility. And that’s ignoring how Alternia certainly held extra a unique disdain when midbloods acted out, where highbloods could do whatever they wanted without repercussions and the right troll might find the lowblood feisty if they were lucky.

Yeah, that was probably it.

“I assure you, that is more her than myself. It really was quite the adjustment when we entered a matespritship,” he said. He ran a hand through his hair. “I still am not sure I am used to it myself, to be honest.”

“It’s been a solid sweep at this point.” She pursed her lips in thought, grabbing the NMR printouts and the molecular weight chart to shove into a folder. Lab work seemed to wrap up for the day. Considering she couldn’t remember fully when they started, it was probably for the best. “I think.”

“It is going to be a sweep, yes. She will holding a whole party about it.” He took a slow, long breath. His fins shook, not violently, just seemed to vibrate for some reason. “Which I suppose brings me to a question I have wished to ask for a while.”

“Whaddya need?” A weight managed to settle somewhere in her stomach, but she tried to ignore it. Dontoc asking her something he meant to ask for “a while” could be literally anything. That’s partly how he ended up knocking on Pallia’s door in the middle of the day asking about where he could get more clothes.

“I was ah...well...hoping you could possibly go?” She stopped putting papers away to look up at him with a wide, puzzled expression. He swallowed thickly. “Not-not with me, of course, we cannot exactly go as a duo, but truthfully she has held a few parties since we have began our relationship and for much of it I just feel uncomfortable. Careen’s off having to be a hostess, which I understand completely, however I would greatly appreciate some familiar company that aren’t her friends for once.” The words tumbled out of his mouth in a complete mess, so much so that Pallia was surprised he didn’t trip on them the way it completely tripped up her thoughts.

She blinked owlishly, throat dry despite everything. Of all the questions she expected, a request to meet him at a glorified highblooded gala was not it.

“I...um...well…” She felt her breath catch in her throat. Such a simple question should not make her feel this unsure. By all logic, the answer should be a hard no. She didn’t want to see Careen, didn’t want to think about her if she didn’t want to and moreover, if she had to, didn’t want to possibly experience another blow-up like the last one she had when the two were together. She had no drive to interact with her more than necessary unless it somehow involved shoving an acid gun into her face and pulling the trigger.

But it wouldn’t be to see Careen or to try and upset her. It was to give Dontoc a face he recognized and could talk to consistently. She’d have to check with Aisral, but she wouldn’t be surprised if Aisral wouldn’t mind making her a cute dress for it. And if Careen stole him away, she could just retreat into those ridiculous gardens. Back when the two were in contact with each other, she never got the chance to investigate the suspiciously waxy coating on the red roses, and a part of Pallia still wanted to confirm that Careen was, in fact, using her servants to paint her roses.

She didn’t realize just how long she stood there in silence, until Dontoc cleared his throat. She looked up to him, his own gaze averted in a poor attempt to hide the growing violet that overtook his face. “If you don’t wish to I understand completely. You two have a history and I’m not trying to repair that. I just thought perhaps some company would be beneficial? I realize how selfish that sounds.”

“No, you uh...caught me off guard. Funny how that one happenssss.” She took a slow, steadying breath calm herself and pushed her glasses up. “I’m hardly upset or anything you asked. Just really surprised.”

“True as that may be, I should not have put you off guard.” He looked over at her. Most of the blush had faded, but the slight tint alongside the fin twitch was still unmistakable.

Pallia shrugged. It was hard to get mad at him for something she accidentally did herself not long ago. “Weren’t you the one telling me not to worry earlier?”

“I suppose I might have, or well, I did said something to that effect, yes, however…such was...” he said slowly, voice trailing off the longer he went. Eventually he stopped, shaking his head. “No, no, the more I think about it, it is not that different.”

She slid closer to him, just close enough they could be touching if either one moved even a little bit closer. “Anyway, it’s not the first time you’ve invited me out somewhere.” She nudged his arm with her elbow. “If I remember correctly, it was you who dragged me to dinner last week?”

“We had not eaten for hours and I swear, you never keep food in this whole hive unless someone is ill,” he pointed out.

“Okay, fair. Fair.” She turned around and crossed her arms, using the table to lean comfortably. Dontoc followed suit, though his arms merely fell at his sides. “But weren’t you also the one who set up the next date where we work? Together? Not even thirty minutes ago?”

Silence. “So I did.” His fins twitched, betraying his increasingly calm composure. “As such, I concede you might have a point.”

She chuckled. “Only might? I think that was a pretty excellent point.”

His lips curled up into a playful smirk. “Well, yes. Generally one would say requesting we get food together for the purposes of survival, or finishing research two started together, is different than the request of meeting up at what boils down to an over extravagant anniversary party.”

“They’re both satisfying a need, aren’t they?” she asked nonchalantly. “Socialization’s kind of important, you know.”

“Well, I would imagine if it is only of slight importance, you would not bring it up,” he said cheekily.

Well someone’s certainly not nervous anymore. She put a hand over her mouth, attempting to hide her snickers, but it only succeeded in making it harder to hold back. “You assssss.”

“An ass who you are apparently actually considering assisting,” he said. “I believe that says more about you this time than myself.”

She shrugged. “I’d say I owe you one for all the times you’ve helped out with the experiments. Volcor missing a frond isn’t exactly the most effective at helping out sometimes. Just, you know, lemme talk to Aisral first. Get something set up. Or see if I should just go buy a new outfit.”

His cheerful expression dropped. “Pallia, you do not owe me anything for willingly --”

“Dontoc, if I tell myself it’s because I owe you, I’ll be more to actually go and not try to flake out last minute,” she said.

His face brightened right back up, fins perking and everything. “Of course, of course. Thank you, truly.”

“No need to thank me. We do stuff together. We’re friends. Speaking of…” She pulled her phone out of her coat pocket, glancing up at him slyly. “Dinner?”

“I was starting to think you would never ask.”

#fantroll #fantrolls #homestuck #hiveswap #my writing #dontoc #pallia #might go through some more edits later

4 notes · View notes

douchebagbrainwaves · 3 years

Text

THE COURAGE OF STARTUPS

Scientists don't learn science by doing it. If you're lucky you can get a day job as a waiter doesn't think of himself as a waiter. If someone asks them at a dinner party what a programming language is, they'll say something like Oh, a high-level language? When people walk by the portrait of Ginevra de Benci in the National Gallery, he put a juniper bush behind her head. A investment, at least successful ones, tend to be smart, so the two qualities have come to be associated. The thing to do when you get fouled is not to lose your cool. I think mathematicians also believe this. Leonardo.

Most people think they hate math, but the further you get from the natural sciences without having to learn empathy, and people in these fields tend to be smart, so the two qualities have come to be associated. Other parts you don't understand as well, and more importantly, can't take liberties with. Systematic is the last word I'd use to describe the way good programmers write software. Yes, as you suspect, the college admissions process is largely a charade. There's no switch inside you that magically flips when you turn a certain age or graduate from some institution. Perhaps the most successful countries, in the famous Social Text affair. Whether or not understanding this can help large organizations, it can take half an hour to load into your head. There's something pleasing about a secret project. As day jobs go, it's pretty sweet. Nearly all textbooks are bad. If you own rental property, there are certainly a lot of them. Understanding how someone else sees things doesn't imply that you'll act in his interest; in some situations—in war, for example, a company might require all suppliers to prove they're solvent before submitting bids.

I like debugging: it's the one time that hacking is the applied version of what theoretical computer science is the theory of computation about as much as painters need to understand paint chemistry. A decade from now the players will be hard to tell apart, and there is just not as much demand for things that solve the mundane problems of individual customers. What this always meant in practice was to do what they guess it will, because they're given a fake thing to do, designing beautiful software, would be much more difficult. The first essay of his that I read was so electrifying that I remember exactly where I was at the time. Rich people don't get better design or craftsmanship here. It's hard to create wealth by making a car that weighed only fifty pounds, or folded up to the software with no preparation, and it had better do what they tell you to do. And the project starts small because the idea is small at first; he just has some cool hack he wants to be on this list, he's going to be seeing in the next couple years are going to be at odds with it, because organizations are designed to prevent what programmers strive for. The two words are pulling in opposite directions. A round they want a lot. Painting has prestige now because of great work people did five hundred years ago. It's the same with all of them.

Arguably the people in charge care about design—the former because the designers are in charge, and the paper becomes a proxy for the achievement represented by the software. This doesn't seem to be on this list, he's going to be. You need to know how to calculate time and space complexity and about Turing completeness. So an angel round is not an all or nothing thing like a series A, as long as you're profitable. Hackers can be abrupt even in person. Though in a sense this is historically inaccurate, it is in painting. It made them hate working for the acquirer.

In fact, you don't even get paid a lot. And when I was eight, I was taught in college that one ought to figure out what a subject is really about. Which for founders will result in the perfect combination: funding rounds that close fast, with high valuations. Why do the Japanese make better cars than us? I was in high school: what you want to do with your life. I'm sure they argue, like all founders, but I smelled a major rat. Don't push it too far. Sometimes judging you correctly is the end goal, include court cases, grades in classes, and most VCs weren't interested in investments so small.

Meaning that when the note converts into stock in a liquidity event, founders should start companies that make money and live off the revenues of your company, if they can get DARPA grants. Obviously the world sucked, so why bother? But a company that took 6 years to go public are usually rather stretched, and that it therefore mattered far more which startups you picked than how much you have to do so much besides write software. In fact, if you needed money on the scale only VCs could supply. And so hackers, like painters, and regularly start over from scratch, instead of patiently writing out a complete program and assuring myself it was correct, I tended to just spew out code that was hopelessly broken, and gradually beat it into shape. I made a point of not cultivating it. So just keep playing. Static typing would be a good thing. Most of the people who read the source read it in illicit photocopies of John Lions' book, which though written in 1977 was not allowed to be published until 1996. It's like light from a distant star. So while I admit that hacking doesn't seem as cool in its glory days as it does now.

And they make a lot more complicated than managing rental property, but let's suppose there were management companies that could get acquired quickly, that would explain why they'd care about valuations. They said they didn't want to think about it, because they can't spare the effort to get verified. It doesn't necessarily mean being self-sacrificing. So if you're a little startup, this is just something to put in a lot of the great art of the past is the work of a painter in chronological order, you'll find that each painting builds on things that have been learned in previous ones. Programming languages are interesting to write. As day jobs go, it's pretty sweet. Letting focus groups design your cars for you only wins in the short term, the quality of one's work is only a small component of fame. Eventually, they get to the point that their culture prizes design and craftsmanship. When you signed up, you'd trade your company's stock for shares of this pool, in proportion to an estimate of your company's value that you'd both agreed upon. And when you can do anything if you really try. Since angels generally don't take board seats, they don't have to worry, because this whole phenomenon of VCs doing angel investments is so new.

In fact, when we funded Airbnb, we thought it was too crazy. There will of course be some founders who wouldn't like that idea: the ones who like running their company so much that there's nothing else they'd rather do. And there is no correlation, except possibly a negative one, between people's ability to recognize good design and their confidence that they can walk around the memory of the house you grew up in. For it to surprise me, it must be satisfying expectations I didn't know I had. Fortunately, more and more startups will. If he wants to be on this list, he's going to be. When you're driving a car with a manual transmission on a hill, you have graphs showing rising revenue or traffic month after month, you don't even get paid a lot. So don't assume a subject is to be a no man's land between angels and VCs. You can see that just by looking at them.

0 notes

nigerlittlepoole · 7 years

Link

I was very interested in reading this piece when I first saw it on r/datascience. Mr. Miller attempts to answer the question, "what percentage of impressions, yielded a retweet?" The Twitter API only provides the total number of retweets and the number of followers of the original user that posted the tweet. This means that there is no way to query the API to deduce whether a tweet received a ton of retweets because a high proportion of users retweeted it, or because the person who wrote the tweet has a ton of followers. Miller creates a statistical model in order to find an answer. Tweets are seen by followers. Followers arrive according to some poisson arrival process. Each follower who views the tweet has the same probability (p) of retweeting a tweet. From there he attempts to come up with a closed form solution for computing p, given the number of retweets, tweet lifetime, and the number of followers of the original poster. All in all my feelings on that are as follows.

I think I could do better....

Assumptions

Having studied Operations Research, I'm a big fan of Monte Carlo Simulation. One of my professors at Columbia bragged about how much more flexible a simulation based solution can be versus a closed form solution. First, I want to address the assumptions made by Mr. Miller. He makes 3 big assumptions

Followers arrive according to a single poisson process at rate once per hour

Whenever a follower arrives on Twitter, they will always see the tweet we are modeling.

Each follower, and their followers, has the same probability(p) of retweeting the tweet

All of these assumptions are definitely innacurate. First, followers cannot be coming at a constant rate for every user, especially not in a system where every user of twitter is refereshing once per hour. In Miller's example A with a 1000 followers, that means that all 1000 followers will check Twitter within 1 hour. On top of that, his model assumes that the rate at which Followers appear will be the same, regardless of the number of followers one has.

So I'm altering that slightly for my simulation. Instead I'll make an assumption, that the rate of arrival of my followers is the number of seconds in a day over the number of followers. This essentially assumes that all my followers, will on average, show up once in a day.It also assumes that time of day is not a factor. This is also not true, but you have to make some assumptions for the simplicity of the model. I'm also going to keep the latter two assumptions (seeing a tweet and constant probability(p)). I will explain at the end how this simulation provides the foundation to start to replace these constants with better interactions.

Simulation

var _giphy_tv_tag="typing"; var g = document.createElement('script'); g.type = 'text/javascript'; g.async = true; g.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://' : 'http://') + 'giphy.com/static/js/widgets/tv.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(g, s);

So I whipped up an iPython Notebook with a Discrete Event Monte Carlo simulation of this scenario. It was actually quite trivial and only amounted to about 50 lines of code. I won't overly explain the simulation here, view the code if you want to see how it works. But in a nutshell for a fixed probability of retweet p, I simulate a poison process of followers arriving and then retweeting with the given probability. Miller's closed form solution relied on limiting the retweet chain to 2 in order to reduce the complexityof the algebra. My simulation does not have this same constraint. In order to optimize runtime, I did limit the length of retweet chain to 6. However, this limit was based on research conducted by Twitter.

A Test Problem

Miller's test case is two tweets, A and B.

Tweet A was posted by a user with 1000 followers and received 25 retweets in an hour

Tweet B was posted by a user with 2000 followers and received 25 retweets in 30 minutes

Ideally these should be quite similar. This is asking what the tradeoff is between the time the tweet had to be seen and the number of followers the user has. Without any kinds of decays these should be relatively equal tradeoffs. i.e. showing the tweet longer to more followers should yield similar results to showing it to more people for a shorter amount of time.

Which tweet had a high retweet percentage?

via GIPHY

My iPython Notebook also incldues the answer to this. According to my simulation, A most likely had a retweet percentage of 8.2% while B had a retweet percentage of 8.21%. At the moment I haven't been able to figure out a good signifigance test for this. But for now, I'll assume its close enough to demonstrate equivilance. If you have any ideas, reach out I'd be quite interested. However, I think this answer is far more satisfying than Miller's original answer of around 2% for each.

Miller's model, with each person averaging a reload per hour, will see both tweet A and B having 1000 people expected to view the tweet. He then assumes that each of those people will retweet with a 2.1% probability and that their ~90 followers will do the same. One thing to note, all 90 followers for each person who retweeted, won't see the tweet. Only those who manage to arrive in the time remaining between the time the retweeter actually retweeted and the end of duration have the opportunity to retweet further in the chain. In the first order, the direct followers, 20ish people should retweet and then in the remaining time only 5 of those second order followers will retweet.

My model yields a quite different answer. By allowing higher order retweeting and not assuming that all of a users followers will appear within the hour, the model assumes a far higher percent of fewer incoming viewers need to retweet. To make it simple, if only 1/24 of my followers are expected to show up within an hour, then a lot higher of a percent of them need to retweet. Even then, my impression rate is a bit too high for reality, market sentiment says that the average tweet only has around a 2% impression rate.

How to get a better model?

via GIPHY

Miller's model has so many assumptions and constraints that it doesn't realy accurately model the system. My simulation is also too limited in its current form. However the magic of simulation is that we can introduce more complex elements to the model quite easily. Miller's work is essentially a manipulation of a poisson process and a binomial distribution. While not trivial, finding a closed form solution is certainly doable. But if we wanted to take into account time of day, or decay the retweet probability as it gets further from the source, it will become ridiculously complicated to find a closed form solution.

So what would I do to get a better model?

Add a decay factor to the retweet rate the higher the order ( distance from the original poster) the tweet is

Introduce a decay factor due to time. This should capture the fact that the older a tweet is, the less likely arriving users are to even see it

Make the arrival process a mixture of poisson processes based on the time of day or switch distributions entirely to something that weights more heavily toward more active times

Randomly generate the number of followers each retweeter has according to the researched power law, rather than using the expected value. Should help to give better information on the variance

What's beautiful about simulation is that all of these are relatively trivial to add to the code. And so within 20 minutes I can have a new answer. Which is far better than the potential days the closed form solution would take. As a data scientist working in industry, its a lot more powerful for me to have approximately correct answers quickly than it is to be bogged down in theory. If you aren't in finance, business decisions are probably not being made on exact figures but rather relative magnitudes. So next time you encounter a problem like this, consider writing a simulation instead of doing a bunch of math, the result will be something that tends to be a lot more flexible.

#projects #data science #twitter #simulation #monte carlo #data

1 note · View note

mynewlifeinaclassroom-blog · 4 years

Text

My Top Ten

April 28, 2020

10. Coming up at #10 we have wait time and questioning techniques. Alright, this one is not that big of a deal, but I think it's something that needs to be addressed. So, what is a wait time? A wait time is just a brief time of 3 to 5 seconds teachers should wait after asking students a question. Have you ever had that one teacher who asked a really complex question and expected you to know the answer right away without even giving you time to think about the question? Yeah, I really hated my teacher’s when they did that. I'm so glad that in my practicums, both of the teachers that I observed used this wait time and they did not expect their students to know the answer right away. When I become a teacher, I know that I will definitely think of this every time I ask a question because I remember that when I was in high school I would be called on to answer a question when I didn't even have time to think about it, then I felt really dumb because I didn't know the answer; taking this class has made me realize that my teachers, most of the time, just weren't giving me enough time to think.

9. In 9th place we have social issues. Nowadays, students are having to deal with a diverse amount of problems. Some students have to deal with poverty, others deal with having to cope with new family patterns; for example, having parents who are single, interracial marriages, etc. Many students are facing parenting at a very young age, and there's other students who are being abused and neglected. Something that is gaining a lot of popularity in today's youth, is alcohol and drug abuse and we’ve had an increase in suicides in our youth. Being in high school made me realize that a lot of students my age were having alcohol and drug abuse problems, and I wasn't aware of them because I set myself apart from those people, but I would hear from them because of people who I had class with and they would just talk about them. I think that as a teacher, I need to be aware of what is going on around because every student is dealing with something different and I want to be able to provide my students with the support they need. In my practicum, with one of my teachers, they have these really important meanings with the principals, psychologist, social worker, and special education teacher, and I was able to see that these people in these meetings, were doing their absolute best to figure out what was affecting a specific student from succeeding. Because of this meeting that I attended, I heard that some of those students were dealing with traumas. I'm not 100% sure what kind of trauma the students were dealing with, but I'm 100% sure it was because of one of the issues mentioned above.

8. In 8th place, I put cooperative learning. I know, sometimes when we’re young we hate working in groups because some people get on our nerves, but it's extremely important for us to learn how to work with others. Cooperative learning deals with students working in groups or teams, and they work together to learn academic material. I saw that in my practicum classes, teachers would make students work in groups—sometimes to read an article or to work on a worksheet. Cooperative learning is a wonderful way to get students to work together and get to know each other because that's how you get to know people. I'm going to use this a lot when I teach because when you enter the real world and you get a job, most of the time you're going to have to work with others whether you like it or not. Working with others is a must have skill, and I think it's pretty awesome because if you're working with others you get things done faster and also if you don't know what you're doing working with others can really help.

7. For the seventh spot, we have curriculum. According to our lovely textbook, curriculum is defined as “all organized and intended experiences of the student for which the school accepts responsibility.” The curriculum controls what is being taught and methods that should be used to teach. Teachers use the curriculum to guide them because the curriculum sets what the student needs to know by the end of that year. Teachers have to work with the curriculum to create lesson plans because students get tested over the material that’s on the curriculum. I remember that one of the days I went to observe in Mrs. Unruh’s class, she was testing her students, and I remember she gave me a stack of papers with things that the curriculum required her students to know by the third quarter of the school year. I read a lot, and I saw she was doing a good job following it. My first job teaching at a school, learning the curriculum is going to be extremely important because I could get fired if I don’t follow it, but I see why it’s important. It does have things in it that I know every person should be aware of.

6. Classroom management is in sixth place in my list. Having a good classroom management means that when your students walk into the classroom, they are welcomed into an environment that is productive, orderly, caring, and respectful. Every classroom has to have a set of rules that the students need to follow, and I think that the sooner you let your students become aware of these rules and know that their bad behavior has consequences, the better it is for you as the teacher. You want your students to respect you so don't show them fear and don't go back on your word once you have established your rules. Now, you don't want to make your students be scared of you, but you need to know when and how you're going to discipline them. In my classroom, I want my students to feel loved and cared for, but I don't tolerate disrespectfulness, irresponsibility, Ignorance, and bullying, so if I need to be strict on those I will. In my practicums, I noticed that both of the teachers I observed have great classroom management. Their students knew that they had to follow their rules and they knew that they had to stay on task because they always had something to work on and the teacher was not going to go back just because they were falling behind. The students, in both of the classes, were always on task, but the teachers also allowed them to have fun. Everything both of my practical teachers did was in a very organized manner and they were always prepared to move on to the next task on time without wasting too much time.

5. In fifth place, I have decided to put diversity. Now more than ever we see how diverse our classrooms are. Diversity refers to racial and ethnic backgrounds, speaking other languages other than English, academic abilities and achievements, needs, and even differences such as being a boy or a girl. Every single person is different—we all have different needs, so as a teacher we need to be able to identify how each student learns. Every student learns a different way and we cannot expect them all to get things at the same time; some students learn slower and some students learn faster, but that does not make any one better than the other. I've mentioned the GEI meeting multiple times, but I really learned a lot from that. In these meetings teachers were looking to see if the students weren't succeeding either because of the curriculum, maybe it was their academic abilities, or any other form of issue. I also noticed that the bilingual students sometimes would go to a different class to read or do math. The teachers knew that these students needed more help because sometimes speaking two languages is really difficult and can mess your brain up when you're trying to learn something new ... I can tell you this because I'm bilingual and I know what it's like to be in a classroom and not know what's going on because you don't know the language. However, being in a country like The United States has its advantages. Right as I moved to the United States, I was able to get the help that I needed to be able to succeed in every single one of my classes. In the future, I hope that GEI meetings, like the ones that I attended, are still happening because I know they are a great way to evaluate students so that you can satisfy each one of their needs. I also want to be able to help those students who are different because of the language, disability, and even their ethnic backgrounds. If I’m honest, I love the diversity that we have today because we can learn about others like that and understand who they are as a person.

4. Coming up at number four, active learning strategies. In active learning, “learners build and add to their understanding of concepts, rules, and strategies through direct, hands-on experimentation.” Using active learning strategies can make a boring teacher become a fun teacher because the worst types of teacher, in my opinion, all they do is have you sit down, listen to them talk, and just take notes. Using active learning strategies help students become engaged in a lesson. I remember when I was in high school, I took a history class and all we did was take notes and listen to my teacher lecture. About 90% of the year in that class, we spent it taking notes. The one time we actually did something that helped us be a part and feel engaged in the lesson was when we were learning how a bill becomes a law. The most used active learning strategy that I saw in one of the practicum classes is the think-pair-share strategy. Basically, the teacher posed a question, students thought about the answer, they would pair up with someone, and finally they would share their thoughts. I actually really like that strategy because personally, I like checking up on other people and see what they think before I make my opinions and my thoughts known. When I’m a teacher, I'm going to drown my students with active learning strategies that they'll probably want to work by themselves for the rest of their lives, but that's OK with me ... I'm just kidding… but I will use a lot of active learning strategies. To me, it's very important to have students process the information they're being taught, so I will probably have my students do a lot of journal entry type of strategies.

3. Now that we're down to the top three, first we have academic engaged time. Academic engaged time is the time students spend being engaged in relevant content with high success. Maintaining students engaged throughout the entire listen should be one of the top priorities for a teacher. You don't want your students to be bored to death in your classroom, so you have to come up with ways to keep them engaged. For example, using active learning strategies. In the practicum with Mrs. Unruh and Mrs. White, students were always engaged. These teachers would not waste any time; they would finish a task and they would move right on to the next one. The students in both of those classes always had something to do; if they finished their work early, they knew that they had to find something to do, but most of the time the teachers already had planned what they should be working on if they got done before everyone else. In high school, I was in a Spanish class where they combined Spanish of level 4 With Spanish level 5, that was awful. I'm not blaming the teacher for this because she had no control over it, she was told that they were going to combine the two classes because there were not enough students signed up. If I didn't know Spanish, I would have failed that class because half of the time I was doing nothing. Half of the time I was waiting for instructions because the teacher had to split her time between my class and the other class so that we could each received the lesson that was planned. When I’m a teacher, keeping my students engaged will be one of my top priorities. I want students to be on task, but I also want them to learn. I'll try to not make things boring for them because I will give them enough activities for them to be able to have fun while learning.

2. One of the most important topics I learned in this class is lesson planning. Just by doing two lesson plans for this class, I was able to see how much work teachers put into all of this. Lesson planning takes time because you want to be able to provide your students with all the resources they need to thrive. Lesson plans determine the content students will be taught and how it will be taught. Every Lesson plan takes time to complete; teachers have to know the content and be able to provide students with enough activities that will allow them to learn the information. Mrs. Unruh, a kindergarten teacher I observed, she had binders full of lesson plans. Before she started a new lesson, she already knew what she was going to teach, how she was going to teach it, assignments she was going to give her students to learn the information, and finally how she was going to evaluate them. Lesson planning is time consuming, and, as the teacher, you need to figure out how to teach all that information in a certain amount of time, and those lesson plan can change in case students are not grasping the information the way you want them to, so then you have to rearrange everything in a new way to see if that works better for your class. When preparing a lesson plan there's many factors you have to consider. You need to consider what type of students you're working with and you need to know how they all learn because I can guarantee you, they all learn differently. You want to be able to come up with activities that satisfies every single one of your students. I think lesson planning is going to be the part that as a teacher will probably have the most difficult time with because I want to be able to help every single one of my students the way they deserve, but sometimes that won't be possible in one lesson, but I will do my best. Finding the resources to create worksheets, power points, tests, rubrics, and even projects takes time, and at the same time, you need to keep the curriculum in mind.

1. Number one, finally, right?? In first place, I have relationship with students. By far, the most important thing is the relationship you build with your students. This relationship is what makes everything go smoothly throughout the year. With your students, you want to be professional, you want to earn their trust and respect, but they also have to earn your trust and respect. As a teacher, you should never get too involved in the lives of your students, but sometimes those students need someone to be there for them, and you could be that person. A good relationship with your students will allow them to feel comfortable around you and they will never be scared to express their thoughts and opinions with you. Having a good relationship with your students also makes them want to learn because they respect you and they know that you want the absolute best for them. In Mrs. White's class, I saw the relationship she built with her students. If the student had a concern or wasn't feeling like themselves on that day, they would let her know and she would talk to them. To make your students feel respected and cared for, you can't be all cold towards them because the student can feel when a teacher genuinely cares for them or not. Establishing a good relationship with your students is the first thing a teacher needs to do and that's why when I’m a teacher I'm going to try to get to know my students as much as I can because that will also help me figure out how they learn.

Everything I learned in this class is important, but these were my highlights, and I know that I will never forget them.

0 notes

zipgrowth · 5 years

Text

Game-Based Learning Is Changing How We Teach. Here's Why.

Dan White, the co-founder and CEO of Filament Games, an educational video game developer based in Madison, WI, knows from personal experience that kids can get a lot more out of video games than entertainment, sharpened reflexes and enviable manual dexterity. Back in the '90s he was a devotee of Civilization, a game where players run an empire from the dawn of time to the Space Age. “Along that timeline you make all sorts of interesting strategic decisions about your empire,” says White. “Now I run a 40-person ‘empire’ at Filament. I have to do a lot of the same strategic thinking that I enjoyed doing in that game.”

EdSurge recently caught up with White to talk about how game-based learning (GBL) can help children develop the skills that will be essential in their future jobs, and how Minecraft, specifically, has influenced classroom education and the learning game industry. He also ponders whether games can both teach and measure 21st-century skills, considers the barriers to a broader use of GBL in schools and discusses the not-so-mysterious motivational power of Pokemon.

EdSurge: First things first. Why is game-based learning so relevant for students today?

Teachers can create almost any type of experience they want in Minecraft because it is such a malleable space.

Dan White: I recently saw an EdSurge Q&A where the former chief of Google China was quoted saying that within 15 years, nearly 50 percent of jobs in the U.S. will be done by machines with artificial intelligence. So it is going to be essential for students to have skills that are unique to the human brain. You often hear these skills—such as collaboration, problem solving, communication and critical thinking—referred to as higher-order thinking skills or 21st-century skills or future-ready skills. The exciting thing about game-based learning is that students are practicing these types of skills all the time when they play games. Even a game like Candy Crush is hitting some of these skills. And the more complex and challenging a game is, the more skills it’s going to hit.

What do these skills look like within an actual game?

Let’s say you are trying to teach your students about how stellar systems work. How do eclipses happen and why are there seasons? How does the earth move around the sun?

If you are teaching with Minecraft, for example, you can have students build their own models and come up with theories based on their understanding of how stellar systems work. Then they can have conversations about those models within the game space, and students can learn from each other. It matters less if they get the model right or wrong. What's important is that they are developing problem solving and communication skills as they try to represent their thinking in an immersive, three-dimensional space. That’s really powerful.

Teachers can create almost any type of experience they want in Minecraft because it is such a malleable space.

People love feeling empowered to make decisions; kids, especially, don’t get many opportunities to be in charge.

This may seem like an obvious question, but why do games engage kids more than traditional teaching methods that emphasize content?

Not for the reasons people usually point to, which are high-production value graphics and reward systems. Neither has much lasting engagement value. One big thing that does is agency—this idea that the player gets to make decisions. People love feeling empowered to make decisions; kids, especially, don’t get many opportunities to be in charge.

Having to master the system is another thing that hooks people. Take a classic game like chess: you can play it your entire life and never perfect it. A third reason is the opportunity to experiment with different identities in a safe environment where failure doesn’t matter. Instead of being a 12-year-old in Brooklyn, you get to be an astronaut or somebody who has abilities and masteries that are far beyond what you actually possess. And that’s particularly compelling for learning games because you can put students in roles that they would otherwise never be able to inhabit. And they can try on those roles and see what it feels like.

You hear people say, “I’m no good at math” or “I’m no good at science.” But you rarely hear someone say, “I’m no good at this game.” It’s usually, “This game is hard. I need to try again until I win.” Games encourage a growth mindset.

So, are there collateral effects where kids are motivated to read, write, learn math—so they get better at the game?

Games encourage a growth mindset.

Absolutely. Linguistics expert Jim Gee used to talk about how the Pokemon card game was an extremely effective tool for helping kids get past the so-called fourth-grade slump, which is when many students begin to struggle with advanced reading challenges and testing. He said students want so badly to get good at Pokemon that they will figure out how to read text that is far above their reading level—just so that they can figure out what abilities their game characters have. That’s really the beauty of a system that creates compelling mastery goals. Students will go to great lengths to get good at the system.

How widespread are learning games in America’s classrooms right now?

A lot of people who say they are using games are basically using quiz games. If the question is how many are using true game-based learning with problems spaces—frameworks for defining a problem and finding a solution—I’d say probably 10 percent or less of teachers use those games.

The thing that’s unique about Minecraft is that it was a runaway success on the consumer side first, and you sort of had this critical mass of people outside of school who were talking about it 24/7. It got to the point where the education community had to go, 'Wow, this platform really resonates with the people we are trying to reach. So why don’t we try to use it as a vehicle to reach them?'

Want to give Minecraft a whirl in your classroom? Try Minecraft: Education Edition for free!

In the education community, we pay lip service to 21st-century skills, but they aren’t really on the high-stakes test at the end of the semester.

What are the barriers to getting true game-based learning into the classroom?

My perspective is that most of it comes back to time and curriculum. In the education community, we pay lip service to 21st-century skills, but they aren’t really on the high-stakes test at the end of the semester. Now if the test changed and you saw an emphasis on those skills—and if you could demonstrate that games were a more effective way to teach them than a lecture or a reading—then I think you’d see the adoption skyrocket. But it’s very hard to create tests that measure 21st-century skills.

There are a lot of people, myself included, who believe games can be used both to teach and measure those skills. Most game spaces are by design complex problem spaces. The game is collecting all the data you need based on the player’s input. If you know what to look for, you can see whether a player is getting better at a skill vs. not. I think there is a ton of promise that is still yet to be fully understood.

You’ve said that Minecraft has had a big influence the learning-game industry. How so?

Dan White's Favorite Teaching Resources

Edsurge

Jim Gee’s book, What Video Games Have To Teach Us About Learning and Literacy

The movie, Most Likely to Succeed

iCivics

Filament Games Podcast

Games for Change

The most obvious takeaway for the learning game community is that one path to get a learning game adopted in schools is to first be really successful on the consumer side; but that’s not exactly the path of least resistance. Minecraft made the learning game community think about how it can leverage what’s already popular and interesting to kids outside of school in order to create more quality opportunities for learning inside of school. And it’s been really cool to see how teachers use Minecraft, given that it is a totally open-ended sandbox space where students A, B and C are going to have completely different experiences. For the learning game community, the platform has been a very positive thing; it has introduced a lot of teachers to this genre of play and made the education community more receptive to it. Without Minecraft, that might have taken longer and been more difficult.

Filament is right now working on a robotics game, where students in this sandbox space can build pretty much any robot they can imagine to solve specific challenges. It will be really interesting to see how receptive teachers are, because we’ve never created a sandbox style game like this specifically for the classroom. Because Minecraft broke a lot of ice, my hope is that this idea will be less foreign to that community than it might have otherwise been.

Game-Based Learning Is Changing How We Teach. Here's Why. published first on https://medium.com/@GetNewDLBusiness

0 notes

lazy-mask-blog · 7 years

Text

How to Start a Photography Business From Home Part-1

This is all about to set up a successful photography business. Here, I would like to provide a detail guideline about business plan, branding, finance, marketing, getting client and so on. Do Your Math to Set up a Photography Business Suppose, photography is your hobby. You have spent much time to capture images that you like or taken photos of others as they like. You love the work and have got a lot of experiences. But in a certain stage of your life, you may think to leave it because you have to involve with a moneymaking profession. Now, suppose you are trying to have a job or have already involved with a job. In this case, as you don’t love this job, you aren’t doing well. Your mind is craving for the photography that you do well. In this situation, I think it would be the best for you to set a photography business. Does it sound much? Or are you nervous regarding the success? Actually, if you can follow some necessary steps patiently, it can fulfill your dream of success. Since I’m inspiring you to start a photography business, let’s know the strategies to run it successfully. Determine Your Brand

What comes first is to determine your brand. You should think and research enough about on what niche you like to set up your business strategies. Since I’m talking about the niche photography business here, I assume that you have taken the niche for your business. Then, what you should do now? Choosing a brand name, you can google. Zero result is ideal in this case. After selecting a brand name or niche, you should check out the availability of it on the internet. You should check out whether your brand name is available in the different social media or not, would these media let you open groups, pages, slides, or not. This kind of searching will help you to choose a unique and an exclusive brand name. You can visit knowem.com for such a detail research. This site will let you check your brand, product or username, trademark, etc. Choose the brand name that has available trade mark, .com domain, and Vanity URL for Facebook, Twitter, and other major social media. Next, you have to set up your branding strategy. You can create your branding with your actual name, or blending it with your niche, or business name. Suppose, you are Scott Kelby. You can brand your own name (e.g. Scott Kelby, Skelby). If it is very common, then you can add anything with your name, may be nick name or niche name (Kelby Photo). As an individual photographer, it can be Scott Photography or Kelby Photography, which ever you choose. If you don’t like to personify your brand, then you can use other meaningful name that instantly tells what your niche is about (e.g. Bridal Lens). If you cannot find any, you can blend 2-3 meaningful words related to your niche into a blended word (e.g. Lenscape). Even if you can’t find any of those as well, you always can choose non-meaningful words to brand your image. But, make sure the pronunciation is pretty easy (e.g. Cla-ching, the camera click sound evolved from Ka-ching). Make sure you can easily relate your brand with your photography niche. There are many ways to check whether your brand is qualified as a good brand. I’ll not go through all the strategies. But, you can try this one: Word of Mouth. Get 5-10 people who does not know about your brand. Whisper your brand name to the first person and tell him to whisper the same name to the second person. And after transferring your brand name to the last person, if the pronunciation of your brand is a close match, then you have got a very good brand. After this stage, you have to create your corporate identity. You need a well-designed website. Decorate the site with relevant texts, images, videos, infographics, flowchart, graph, etc. Create social media networks with great looking pages, groups, texts, and images. You can create these contents by yourself, or you can outsource from outside. Regarding your product images, you might need to take various image editing services for displaying them gorgeously. In this case, you can outsource to us all types of image editing services. We Image Masking Service (IMS) are providing various photo editing services such as background removing, clipping path, image retouching, restoration, color correction, neck joint or ghost mannequin, raster to vector etc.

Business Plan A proper planning is half of the success of any business. It is like a road-map of a journey. It is a forecast whether you will be successful or not. So, you should make a specific plan of what to do or not to do, what way you should follow or avoid regarding your business. Remember these two quotes: “If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll end up someplace else.” --Yogi Berra “A goal without a plan is just a wish.” --Antoine De Saint. It is a very hard task. You can do some paperwork, discuss with the respective person or take help from experienced someone for making a strong plan of workflow.

Financial Issues For setting up any business, everyone should figure out the financial issues carefully. It is also a part of planning. A photography business needs equipment, office space, studio tools, photo editing software, business license, insurance, website, accounting software etc. To buy these things initially, a considerable fund is a must. So, initial funding is so much important because: "An entrepreneur without funding is a musician without an instrument." —Robert A. Rice Jr. If you are worried of your business fund or capital, then I’ll say that there are many solutions. It would be very good if you can have this capital from your friends and family. Besides, the bank loan is a great source for startup business. Here, you’ll get your required business loan as per their banking policy. As a fresher, you can start a photography business with the fund that you have managed from your family without tension. If you have a good economic backup, it would be very helpful to grow business as you wish. But, if you are a service holder and don’t have outside income, then you should continue the job as long as your business comes to a handsome profit. When your business will make enough money to run itself as well as your daily needs, then you can leave your job and should give full time to your business. Try to Have The Necessary Experience Proper experience of starting any business is an asset. In case of photography or this type of business, professional experience helps much to run forward. Spend enough time patiently to learn the pros and cons for your business. I know a photography business owner who at the very first worked as an assistant of a photographer. He got enough experience working with the photographer and he can run his photography business successfully. Make a Pricing Plan Making a pricing plan is quite tough and it’s important also. A reasonable and affordable pricing will contribute much to get enough order of photography. When you are making a pricing plan, don’t forget about editing. So, if you decide to take $50 per hour, keep in mind another 3 hours for editing. At the very beginning, your hourly rate may be less, but as the time goes, the rate should be increased at per service quality, working complexity and experience.

Make a Website A photography business demands a killer website. It is a storefront of your works. It will act as a showcase of the recent photos. Now, it may be your headache that how it should and what it should contain. However, as you are going to set up a business, you must have a business looking professional website. It should have engaging look with specific buttons of your services. For getting various kinds of users, make your website mobile user friendly. It will help you to grow your website traffic. As a photography business website, it must contain a photo gallery and an excellent slider. In the about page, clarify about your business and yourself, provide a contact address, company profile and so on. This page will give an idea to your customers and help to grow trust. You can also keep a FAQ (frequently asked questions) page. It would be great to attach a wonderful pricing page which helps your subscribers to have a primary idea about the service charge. Create a call-to-action button so that your customers can order directly. Add a blog page in your website. Write blog post regularly providing photography tips & tricks, video tutorial, photography story, etc. for the newbies as well as for your customers. A blog page will help you for marketing your business. Another important task you should not mistake to attach various social media buttons into your site. Social sharing is very important for business publicity.

Photo Editing Photo editing is one of the most important things to boost up your business. It is not sure that every time you can capture the best images as you want without any defects. Rather, most of the time when you will capture the images, they would be unsuitable and you must feel the necessity for image editing. Then how you can solve the image editing related problems. Don’t be so worried. Just use Adobe Photoshop Lightroom on your computer and edit your images. There are lots of software or add-ons free for making stunning images. For instance, Google Nik collection is free now. You can download a lot or add-ons from here www.google.com/nikcollection/ and you can use it as standalone software and also as an add-on for Lightroom. You can edit the images by yourself. Learn many techniques for making your image better. But, do you like photography more than editing? Then concentrate on what you are good at. And free most of your valuable time, by sending the images to us. You can outsource your all kind photo editing works. Here we, Image Masking Service(IMS) can be your best helper. We do various image editing services like background removal, image retouching, color correction, restoration, clipping path, and more. IMS can provide 5000 image files within 24 hours with the best quality at the lowest PRICE. The number of image files varies regarding the image complexity. We are well-equipped with more than 250 skilled graphic design experts and also technologically. Click to Post

#how to #photography #Photography business from home #start a photography business

0 notes