#I haven’t written something in ages and I was getting so nostalgic with my old stories

[chateautae]

hi 🥺

#guys don’t throw stones at me #BUT I’M BACK!!!!!! #mainly because I’m finally reaching the end of the semester and I started missing this blog especially with the holidays nigh #I haven’t written something in ages and I was getting so nostalgic with my old stories #I’ve just got exams to get over but I’ve been keeping up well so I’ll be back soon!!! #ik loads of people are still excited for to turn a bad thing good so I’m definitely writing that very soon #I’ve had at least 1/3 of the third chapter written but I haven’t visited the doc in a while #also I’ve decided to finally let my boyfriend read some of my stories so it’s really him who brought me back to writing #everyone shall thank him ❤️ #sammy files

[drama-pop]

Dramas I Watched in 2022

I moved an hour away from my drama-watching buddy this year.  I wonder how that will affect my show count in 2023.  Of the 9 dramas listed here, 3 of them are re-watches.  I guess I was feeling a little nostalgic this year!  See Dramas I Watched in 2020 for more on those re-watches.  Here’s the dramas I watched this year and I what I thought of them!

My Fellow Citizens (6/10)

1st Watch – Again, I picked a drama purely out of my attraction to Choi Siwon. He can be a little over the top, but boy does he commit to the part.  This drama was silly, exciting, and went in directions I wasn’t expecting.  I really enjoyed the relationships between the characters and thought Park Hu Ja was a particularly interesting role.  She was scary, silly, and at times, pitiful.  It wasn’t my favorite drama and I got a little lost in the politics, but it was a fun way to start the year!

Our Beloved Summer (7/10)

1st Watch – I had only seen Choi Wooshik in Parasite, so I was excited to see him as a soft romantic lead.  I was not disappointed!  This show was beautifully shot and Christmas Tree was the perfect song.  For whatever reason, I can’t remember much of the plot now, but I know I enjoyed it.  Admittedly, I didn’t like the female lead all that much, but probably because her defenses were so high all the time.  I wish I had written about the show earlier when I remembered more about it!

Twenty Five, Twenty One (8.5/10)

1st Watch – I was excited to watch this after seeing Kim Tae-ri in Mr. Sunshine and Nam Joo-hyuk in Start Up.  They are stellar actors, even if I did have to suspend reality quite a bit to watch them as teenagers.  Again, I can’t remember everything about this drama, but I know that it really affected me. I teared up, I grinned ear to ear, I got mad.  It was a beautiful coming of age story and a highlight of the year.  If you haven’t seen it, I won’t spoil anything, but this show has some fun characters and touching relationships.  Yes, I did watch this because of Jungkook.  

Her Private Life (6.5/10)

1st Watch – My second Park Min-young drama, and I love it for her.  I’m here for her gorgeous fashion and hilarious facial expressions. And who doesn’t love a good fake-dating trope?  A huge portion of the show takes us through Deok-mi’s “private life” as a fangirl.  More than that, she’s a fan site manager.  As an ARMY myself, I was grateful for the male lead’s acceptance of Deok-mi’s love for Sian and the representation of adult, professional women being fangirls.  There are definitely 15-year-old girl fans, but it’s so reductive to act like that’s all there is to it.  And we can be passionate about our interests while still being engaged, sociable adults. Ok, off my soap box now.  It was a cute show overall!

Extraordinary Attorney Woo (9.5/10)

1st watch – Highlight of the year!  I legitimately cried 3 times in the first episode, and I rarely cry while watching things.  The show was so touching and I think Park Eun-bin did a great job delicately bringing ASD representation to the screen.  I loved the law firm ensemble.  This show even gave me a vacation episode, though…it was not as happy and cute as I expected.  Iykyk.  I love to see Kang Ki-young finally getting the love he deserves as an actor.  Young-woo has so many lovely, tenderhearted people in her life and seeing such care between the characters warmed my heart.  I highly recommend this drama!

Start Up (8/10)

2nd watch – My sister and I got COVID this year and watched this in our quarantine.  It’s still a lovely show.  I was glad to show it to my sister!

Boys Over Flowers (10/10 lol)

4th watch – Every single song that played in this show – and there is always something playing - became a sing-along.  This show is so addicting, so ridiculous, and so good.  I can’t believe I got through all 24 episodes in the course of 2 weeks, but that’s winter for you!

Little Women (In progress)

1st watch

Dream High (In progress)

2nd watch

And that’s it!  I hope that you have a happy new year and that 2023 brings good things for you!  Feel free to send me any drama recs!

#kdrama #my fellow citizens #our beloved summer #twenty five twenty one #her private life #extraordinary attorney woo #start up #boys over flowers #little women #dream high #2022 #Happy New Year! #review

[frieddiscjockey]

@FRIEDDISCJOCKEY gregor vukovic, independent gregor "GONZO" vukovic from abc’s crazy fun park.

open starters./ headcanons / verses.

written by billie. ( 32 ) minors & overall weirdos ( you know what i mean ) dni. THIS IS NOT A SPOILER FREE BLOG! i’m well aware that people are not aware of crazy fun town ( it’s streaming on hulu ;) ). so, obviously, everyone is going to get spoiled. this blog will be horror heavy considering the series is about a bunch of different teenagers dying in gruesome ways in a amusement park & they are all spirits stuck there.

sideblog, followed back with @coastercrushed

also can be found at: @coastercrushed, @hangtenn, @gareththegreat

INFO UNDERCUT.

01. first things first, i am aware that a lot of people haven’t seen crazy fun town. i highly recommend it. it’ll make you laugh, it’ll make you cry, it’ll make you feel nostalgic. i digress because this will have a lot of horror aspects. a lot of the park kids died in really horrific ways. gonzo was the dj at the park in the 90s who got electrocuted going down a water slide whilst some loose, broken cords got wrapped around his foot on his way down. a lot of depressing topics will be mentioned considering gonzo had died suddenly and he's almost decayed to nothing due to his memory nearly being forgotten.

02. drama is not my thing. i avoid it in real life and you best believe i’m going to avoid it online, being that this is my hobby. i wont reblog callouts, but will read them. i’ll only reblog if the person is incredibly dangerous to make my followers be aware. no gross behavior with minor muses, either, thanks. don’t be transphobic, genderbend, whitewash, don’t be a racist asshole, don’t support n*zi imagery, don’t be a fucking dickhead. 

03. oooooh i do love shipping! though, i do prefer a little bit of plotting beforehand. i think it’s very important to build a relationship ooc as well. i’m more comfortable to ship if we talk a little ooc.

04. i’m billie! i’ve thirty one years old and i’ve been apart of the rpc since late 2010. i’m an old lady. i’ve been around the block a few times. i work full time overnight ( twelve hour shifts ) at hospital & i have a lot of social obligations so i’m primarily mobile. most of my replies will be posted by queue due to this. my reply speed is slow and whilst i post a lot of ooc posts while at work & what not, it may sometimes take me a few days or even weeks to reply to a thread. patience is key! this is something i do whenever i want to destress and have fun.

STATS

 GENERAL.

BIRTH NAME. gregor vukovic ALIAS(ES). gonzo, dj gonzo, greg. AGE. eighteen. DATE OF BIRTH. january 23rd MARITAL STATUS. single. verse dependent.  SPECIES. the ghost with the most GENDER. cismale PREFERRED PRONOUNS. he/him ROMANTIC ORIENTATION. bisexual  SEXUAL ORIENTATION. bisexual.  OCCUPATION. was a high school graduate getting ready for college. disc jockey at crazy fun park within life and death.

                                                                                                         PHYSICALITY.

HEIGHT. 5'11" BUILD. athletic. in good shape. has a slight chub around his hips. HAIR. brunette, almost a mullet. EYES.  SCARS. a lot of scars from just doing stupid shit.  ABNORMALITIES. other than being dead? some brain damage from being electrocuted that effects his speech. TATTOOS. red, melting smiley face on his forearm that he got for his 18th birthday. PHYSICAL AILMENTS. abdnormal speech patterns due to electrocution. ex: eat your cereal with a fork. ALLERGIES. none.

                                                                                                          HEADSPACE.

ALIGNMENT. chaotic good MYERS BRIGGS.  esfp FEARS. being forgotten, something happening to his dj booth. DISORDERS. undiagnosed adhd, autism OTHERS.  n/a.

                                                                                                          BACKGROUND.

PLACE OF BIRTH.   CURRENT RESIDENCE.   RELIGION.  agnostic  FAMILY.  the fun kids. parents unknown, little sister who is a radio dj named asha. ( she's 30 now. ) STATUS.  lower-middle class

#PINNED. #DO NOT REBLOG.

[scenederella]

After 13 years, I saw a mobile library. 

It was one hot day in August, on my way to a barbershop. I saw something that was unfamiliar but kind-of-familiar through the edge of my right eye. 

I saw a dozen young students come out of their classrooms. 

They were running towards the mobile library, which was parked nicely in the yard of their school. Their finger walks through the row of books, trying to find a book that will be their next sanctuary. I could see their excitement filling the air, although the sun shone brightly. 

That is such beautiful scenery for me. And somehow, I felt nostalgic. I’ve never seen a mobile library in more than a decade. And I rarely saw a group of teenagers being excited about a library, especially the one that will move from one place to another. 

Going back to the past, the first time I encountered a mobile library was when I was in 3rd or 4th grade (if I’m not mistaken). It came in a white-blueish minivan with a white loudspeaker on top. I think a lot of students didn’t know what it was, so a crowd was created when it reached our school’s yard. 

I must line up for a moment, maybe around 8–10 minutes, before I can see a hundred books standing orderly on the minivan’s shelf. After I could come near, I scanned the titles (which I could see from the spine of the book) in a rush. And my eyes fell into a dark blue-purple book. I forgot what the title was—about a trip to Japan. 

It was teenage fiction that was filled with friendship and a pinch of romantic stories, written by a writer who’s been to Japan. At that age, I think I couldn’t rate the plot, the climax, the character’s development, the turning point, the problem, or anything else. All that I loved back then was how the composition of words could bring a nine- or ten-year-old-girl to join a group of teenagers who would travel to Japan. 

I could feel the joy when they finally touched the Narita Airport; I could feel the tension while they were arguing because they almost lost their belongings; and I could feel that I'd explored a lot of exciting places in Japan with them. I think I’ve read that book three times. And if I’m not mistaken, it became the first novel that I’ve read, since I only read textbooks and illustrated books before. It became a gate for me into a full-text book. 

Aside from that, that book helped me to know that there is a country called Japan. It helped me understand that there are a lot of people outside my country who have their own culture, language, ethics, and exciting places. Although I felt I had already traveled to Japan, it teased me to experience Japan by myself. It made me build goals that I wanted to pursue and made me want to put in a lot of effort to live the dreams that I made. 

I don’t know what the students, as I’ve told them at the beginning of the story, want or get from a book that they’ve taken from the mobile library. But I’m pretty sure they gain something from it. And I think it does the same for everyone who reads a book. It could be the writer’s writing style, the moral value, the point of view, the knowledge, or it could be the spirit that remains after they finish the story. 

Remembering that day, I’m assured that there is hope to raise the young generation's interest in reading. In my opinion, there is no one who doesn’t like to read. They just haven’t found their type of book and haven’t found their own gate to embrace the fascinating side of books. 

11082022

[prismatranslates-cue]

Mahoro [dig down Memories] Part 1

In the dorm living room.

Miharu: Mahoro? There’s a letter for you.

Mahoro: Huh, it’s from my elementary school. Wonder what this is about…

Miharu: Your old school?

Mahoro: Mhm. …Says they have stuff that was in my time capsule, and to come pick it up if I want it…

Miharu: Your time capsule?

Mahoro: Seems like they dug it up for the Coming of Age ceremony. [1]

Miharu: Oh, you didn’t go?

Mahoro: I was already working as an actress when I was in school, so I don’t really have any friends from back home.

Miharu: I see. What did you put in your time capsule?

Mahoro: Can’t remember. Knowing me, though, it wouldn’t be anything worth picking up.

Miharu: Oh, don’t say that.

Mahoro: Guess I’ll tell them they can just toss it.

Miharu: That’s no good, Mahoro. It’s special, you should go and get it.

Mahoro: Ugh, you really want me to go all the way there just for this?

Miharu: This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, you know?

Mahoro: I bet it’s all wormy and crawling with bugs now anyway.

Miharu: Really?!

Mahoro: I’d be surprised if it wasn’t.

Miharu: …Well, you should at least go take a look. If you really don’t want it, you can always throw it out afterwards.

Mahoro: Mm…

Miharu: Where did you grow up again?

Mahoro: Nagoya.

Miharu: Oh my.

Mahoro: What?

Miharu: I was thinking of offering to go with you, but…well, I forgot how far you were from. [2]

Mahoro: It’s fine, you don’t have to.

Miharu: No, I will! I’ll come with you.

Mahoro: You really don’t have to. I’ll be fine on my own.

Miharu: Well, I’m going with you anyway! Plus, I’ve always wanted to try the local miso katsu and hitsumabushi! [3]

Mahoro: Ahh, so that’s what you’re really after. Well, I guess I don’t mind.

On the bus.

Miharu: We got here so much faster than I thought we would. The shinkansen sure is amazing.

Mahoro: Now it’s just a 30 minute bus ride.

Miharu: Mhm. It’s kind of exciting to go somewhere unfamiliar like this.

Mahoro: Nothing I haven’t seen enough of…You mind if I take a nap?

Miharu: Go right ahead. I think I’ll do the same…

Mahoro: (...I can’t say I have a lot of fond memories of this place.)

Mahoro: (Still…it is nostalgic, I guess.)

Mahoro: (So much of this city looks completely different, but the scents…they haven’t changed a bit.)

At Mahoro’s elementary school. Bus comes to a stop.

Mahoro: Here we are. Right in front of the place.

Miharu: It looks wonderful.

Mahoro: You think so?

Miharu: What a large school. I wonder where the entrance is?

Mahoro: Miharu…

Miharu: Hm? Is something the matter?

Mahoro: Do you mind if we go take a break somewhere else first, actually?

Miharu: Sure, but…are you okay?

Mahoro: I’m fine, just…feeling a bit nostalgic for the city, I guess.

At a café. Door chimes.

Staff: Welcome.

Mahoro: …

Miharu: What’s the matter, Mahoro?

Mahoro: I’ve told you I was working as an actress since I was a kid, right?

Miharu: Of course.

Mahoro: Well, because of that…I spent a lot of time on my own.

Miharu: Really?

Mahoro: Yeah. The other kids shut me out hard, too. I’m not bitter about it or anything though, I didn’t really care anyway.

Miharu: Mhm…

Mahoro: But, well, it’s not fun to look back on.

Miharu: Yeah…

Mahoro: I…remembered a little. About what I put in the time capsule.

Miharu: What was it?

Mahoro: I’m not sure, but…I think I wrote something.

Miharu: I see.

Mahoro: And I don’t remember what it was about, either, but knowing me, it’s probably dumb and full of attitude, written by a kid with a crooked worldview.

Miharu: Mhm.

Mahoro: Hey, I know we came all the way here, but…why don’t we just go home?

Miharu: Huh?

Mahoro: Being back in town is good enough for me, I think. We should end it here, on a high note.

Miharu: We’re so close, you know. Let’s just go and finish what we came here for.

Mahoro: I don’t want to ruin the mood.

Miharu: Do you really think whatever you wrote is that out there?

Mahoro: If anything, I’m scared of what it’ll say…

Miharu: You were just a kid, remember? And it was 10 years ago. There’s no need to feel so anxious about it.

Mahoro: Well I doubt it’ll be anything to smile or laugh about.

Miharu: Hehe. I’m not asking you to laugh about it either.

Mahoro: Ughhh. I really don’t want to. Come on, let’s just go home.

Miharu: No can do. We’re going, and that’s final.

Mahoro: I’m telling you, it’s so not going to be worth it…

To be continued...in Part 2

Notes

[1]: The age of majority in Japan is 20 (it's actually 18 now as of 2022, but that's not relevant to this card story). Coming of Age Day, which is on the second Monday of January, celebrates everyone who officially became or will become an adult between the last year's April 2 and the current year's April 1.

Incidentally, Mahoro is 21 years old in the game and her birthday is April 9, meaning the ceremony she missed was at least 3 months ago.

[2]: Nagoya is about 1.5 hours away from Tokyo by bullet train. For reference, it’s about a 5 hour drive.

[3]: Miso katsu is fried pork cutlets (tonkatsu) with miso sauce, and hitsumabushi is a rice dish featuring chopped eel. Both are local specialties in Nagoya.

#CUE #Mahoro Miyaji #Miharu Yomine #Character Episode #Miyaji Mahoro #Yomine Miharu #QC by Shiku

[we-all-have-magic-inside-us]

Hi, this is very random but I'm actually writing a dissertation on Harry Potter Fanfiction and I'm looking for the 'big' fics, i.e. fics that lots of people in the fandom read - the most popular/famous ones that might even have their own sub-fandom (All The Young Dudes for example). Do you know of any Drarry ones like this? Thanks in advance!

What a wonderful topic for a dissertation @realistic-but-optimistic - I would LOVE to read it if you ever publish/want to share. And I definitely have some recs for fics that have their own mini fandom and/or are ‘The Drarry Classics’

What We Pretend We Can't See by @gyzym [131k words]

Seven years out from the war, Harry learns the hard truth of old history: it’s never quite as far behind you as you thought

This is THE fandom classic almost everyone has read and talks about. It features a redeemed, slightly obsessive, charming Draco. Grimmauld Place plays a huge role in the fic and Ron/Hermione are wonderful. Overall 10/10.

Running on Air by @tinyhistory [75k]

Draco Malfoy has been missing for three years. Harry is assigned the cold case and finds himself slowly falling in love with the memories he collects.

I genuinely do not know if any fic rec can do justice to this masterpiece. It’s so beautiful and poignant and somehow nostalgic. The language, the plot, the pining and the mystery are all breathtaking. You have to read this one yourself to believe me. This is definitely a major fandom classic.

Tea and No Sympathy [70k] by who_la_hoop

It's Potter's fault, of course, that Draco finds himself trapped in the same twenty-four-hour period, repeating itself over and over again. It's been nearly a year since the unpleasant business at Hogwarts, and Draco's getting on with his life quite nicely, thank you, until Harry sodding Potter steps in and ruins it all, just like always. At first, though, the time loop seems liberating. For the first time in his life, he can do anything, say anything, be anything, without consequence. But the more Draco repeats the day, the more he realises the uncomfortable truth: he's falling head over heels for the speccy git. And suddenly, the time loop feels like a trap. For how can he ever get Harry to love him back when time is, quite literally, against him?

If you like Groundhog Day style fics, this is the winner! It has over 32k kudos on AO3 which is INSANE! It’s super well written and keeps you hooked until the very end. And it’s not just this one, every fic by this author is a classic in its own right. Especially ‘written on the heart.’

Right Hand Red [73k] by @lqtraintracks​

Harry felt Malfoy's breath on his lips as they came together over the bottle, hands firmly planted on the floor as though they each needed their familiar soil, refusing to cross into enemy territory.

Except that Malfoy no longer felt like his enemy.

Malfoy felt inevitable.

No rec list can be complete without an eighth year fic. The fandom is FULL of eighth year fics and they’re perfect for anyone craving a Harry Potter continuation but with Drarry. This is one of my absolute favourite ones. It features a lot of party games and it’s really nice to see Harry and Draco have a chance at a normal school year for once, something they’ve been robbed of for so many years. There’s a lot of pining and healing in this one and I felt all the feels when I read it. 

Away Childish Things [151k] by @letteredlettered

Harry gets de-aged. Malfoy has to help him.

This one. This one. THERE ARE NO WORDS BUT I WILL VALIANTLY ATTEMPT. I love it. It explores Harry’s childhood in a way very few fics have managed to and it really really tugs at the heartstrings. It’s gorgeously written and evokes so many emotions. Please read this one.

Stop All the Clocks (This Is the Last Time I’m Leaving Without You) [44k] by @firethesound

Living with Draco was difficult; living without him is unbearable. But if there’s one thing Harry learned from the war, it’s that even when one life ends, the rest of the world goes right on living.

Full disclosure- I haven’t read this and I don’t know if I ever can. It features MCD (main character death) and I really struggle with reading fics that don’t have a happy ending. Having said that, it is a fandom classic and everyone who has read it, RAVES about it. They say it’s gorgeous and beautiful and devastating. What I can confirm is that firethesound is an amazing author and I have read several other fics by them which could also be considered fandom classics. Especially ‘All Our Secrets Laid Bare’ which is the ultimate Auror partners fic and ‘A Convenient Impracticality’ which is the ultimate fake dating/friends-with-benefits fic. 

Dwelling [83k] by aideomai

Curses, James and Lily Potter ride again, several Ministry balls, a teenage Summer of Love, a grim young adult dystopian winter, a few different Draco Malfoys, secrets and the problems re: not having any, alternate lives, impossible lives, real lives, allusions to Dirty Dancing, and just because it's not called the Mirror of Erised doesn't mean you shouldn't know better.

Oh my goodness, this fic ruined me. In the best possible way. If you want a glimpse into how Harry’s life could have been if his parents had been alive and if Harry and Draco had been friends from the start, this is the one. There's a huge twist which makes the fic EVEN better. I don’t want to spoil too much but this one is worth a read. Another fic by the same author, ‘Far From The Tree’ is also gorgeous. It’s a newer fic so I wouldn’t say it’s a classic yet but the plot is SO unique. It features Harry’s grown up kids coming back into the past and how that could affect Harry/Draco’s relationship. All the characters are super well written and it’s one of my personal favourites!

Other notes:

I made a Drarry rec list when I first got into the fandom. I would say almost all the fics on this list are also classics/very well liked. 

Another great way to find classics are through this link. They are Drarry fics on Ao3 (30k+ words) sorted by the number of kudos they’ve received. I would say all fics on the first five pages can be considered classics. 

Here are three other SUPER adored authors in the Ao3 fandom: Bixgirl, Saras_Girl and GallaPlacidia

All works by Bix and Saras_Girl are considered classics. GallaPlacidia started writing for the fandom only a couple of years back but she has such a knack for writing both these boys, it’s absolutely insane. I’m 100% confident her fics will be considered classics in a few years! Especially ‘The Bucket List’ and ‘Ship of Theseus.’

Enjoy and hope this helps!!

#drarry #drarry fics #drarry squad #draco x harry #drarry fic search #drarry fic recs #drarry fandom #classics #harry x draco #drarry fic rec masterlist

[sundaysundaes]

Revival

Jung Jaehyun X Reader feat. Haechan | Fluff, Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Soulmate AU | NC-17 | 15k

Summary: When fate brought Jung Jaehyun to you, it didn’t feel like your first time meeting him. And with him, smiling at you like his heart shattering to pieces, eyes painted with longing, you knew you were connected to him somehow. You just have to find the answers before it’s too late.

Warnings: sex scenes (both with Jaehyun and Haechan), mentions of death and suicide 

For my lovely cinnamon bun Esme @rainydayswithnct​ I couldn’t think of anything else to give you but this. You’ve been nothing but kind to me, I hope this will make you happy ❤️

His eyes… They remind you of the ocean after the storm. 

It’s not the color as his are dark brown, like the freshly turned earth after rain. It’s the feeling, the way they glimmer under the soft evening light, calm and steady, but in a way, emits sadness, yearning for something. As if he had been crushed, trapped inside a hurricane for so long, he was about to fade into the void. And as he peered into your eyes, full of depths and secrets you long to unveil, something tugs upon your heartstring. 

It’s not love at a first sight. You’ve experienced that before with Lee Donghyuck, the lover whom you share frantic kisses and desperate touches with. But it’s something more intense, something you can’t even begin to fathom, something you wish you understand.

The second your eyes are locked to each other, it’s like you’re electrocuted, starting from the tip of your hair down to your toes.

“Oh, sorry,” you say, your voice sounds like you haven’t spoken in years. A tiny red spot begins to form on his chin from where it made contact with your head earlier. “I was looking for a book so I wasn’t—I didn’t see you there.”

The man, young enough to be around your age with a gaze wiser than most, has an expression of a heartbroken man. There’s pain that fleets through his eyes, a feeling that he quickly hides with a smile too bright to be genuinely coming from the heart. When he speaks, his voice is both rich and soft, deep and tender. “No, it was my fault.” He shakes his head. “Please don’t apologize.”

You want to reach out to him, want to know why he looks like he’s seconds away from breaking apart, want to ask him whether you’ve said too much or too less. But he’s nothing but a stranger and you don’t want to step out of the line. “Were you looking for a book?”

“Yes, umm…” He points his finger towards a book hidden in the shelf behind you. “That one.”

You follow his direction, smiling when you read the title written on its spine. “No wonder we bumped heads. I was aiming for the same book.”

“Oh, then it’s fine,” he says, pushing the book back to you after you handed it to him. “You can take it.”

“No, please, go ahead. I’ve read this too many times already.”

“Me too. So—”

“I insist.” You press the book to his chest, looking up at him. He looms before you, standing 180 centimeters tall that you have to tilt your head up to match his line of vision. You catch a sniff of his scent, the smell of soap and aftershave, thinly layered by cologne. His eyelashes are long, face framed by strong jawlines, brunette locks falling over his forehead. When his lips curve up, pretty dimples start to form in his cheeks. He looks like a painting, a thought runs through your mind, one that you hastily dismiss. “Take it as a form of my apology for bruising your chin,” you add.

His eyes widen, just for a split second before a soft chuckle reverberates from his chest. When he speaks again, it’s almost like a whisper—like a secret never meant to be told, “I can never win against you.”

You barely catch his words. “Sorry, what?”

“Nothing.” He clears his throat, hiding his eyes behind his bangs. “I’m… I was about to borrow this and grab some coffee. Would you care to join me? I’d love to talk more.” His body language indicates that he’s nervous which you find rather endearing. “I mean, It’s hard to find someone who has a similar taste like mine.”

Your heart convulses. You know how grabbing some coffee together tends to lead to something more. Your boyfriend’s name pops in your head but your lips betray you before your brain can form a warning. “Well, I do have a peculiar taste when it comes to books,” you answer with a smile. “Sure, as long as you tell me your name.”

“Right, sorry.” You love the sound he makes when he chuckles, and you love it more when it echoes louder in your ears. He offers his hand, stretching out his lean fingers. “I’m Jaehyun.”

You expect it to be soft just like the way he’s gazing at you, but his palm feels calloused against your own. When you reply to him with your name, he seems stunned but doesn’t stay still for long. Your name flows out of his mouth so naturally, as if he has been calling you for years, like a soulmate to another. It feels like electricity is running through your veins once more, something that you’ve never experienced before.

It takes around ten minutes to walk from the library to the nearest coffee shop and by then, you’ve caught on the little gestures he makes: the way he forces himself to laugh a little when he notices he’s being too straightforward; the way he clears his throat when he feels like his words have more hidden meanings than they let on. You’ve become aware of his passion and the love he has for books, so strong that it can only be matched by your own. You’ve learned about his dream, a novelist in the making, taking his first baby steps to turn it into reality.

“Have you thought about what kind of story you’re planning to write?” You question as you slide your cup closer with hot, black coffee shimmering inside. Before you take a sip, Jaehyun drags a sugar bowl toward your direction. “What?”

“It’s too bitter for you.”

“You think I can’t handle my coffee?”

“It’s not that.” He clears his throat and you wonder what is it that he’s trying to hide. “The coffees here are always too bitter.”

“Yeah?” You taunt him, smirking. “Well, watch me.” You take a sip, about to wince when the bitter taste hits your tongue but you act unfazed. Smacking your lips, you say, “See? I’m fine.”

“You’re sure?”

“No. Give me the damn sugar.” 

It doesn’t take long before Jaehyun’s little laughter becomes one of your most favorite sounds in the world. 

“I’m planning to write a romance novel,” he responds to your earlier question.

“Romance, huh? To be honest, I see you more as someone who writes detective stories. Never would’ve pegged you as a romantic.”

“Well, it’s supposed to be more than just a romance story. It has a supernatural element to it. Borderline fantasy.”

“Like what?”

He takes a few seconds before he responds quietly with a secretive smile. “I guess you’ll just have to read to find out.”

“Cheapskate.” You purse your lips. “Is it going to have a happy ending?”

“Well, they’ll be separated by death in the end.”

“No,” you drawl out. “What happens to them? You can’t just say something like that and then not tell me about it.”

“Of course, I can.” There’s a tiny smirk creeping up his lips. “I’m the author.”

“And a jerk too, apparently.” You’re worried you might go too far with your joke but Jaehyun still peers at you with that warm, longing eyes that make you curl your toes.

“Fine, then,” he succumbs. “Since you insist, I’ll give you a hint later. But you’ll have to imagine the rest.”

“Then tell you about it? What if you steal my idea?” You raise an eyebrow, teasing him. “I happen to have a very creative imagination.”

“I promise you I won’t. I’ve finished writing my version of it. I’ll let you see it after you tell me yours.”

“Huh, interesting.” You pretend like you’re rethinking your decision, just to get him a little bit hopeful and nervous by it. “Deal, why not.” Your coffee has grown slightly cold but the sugary taste of it serves as an addiction. “So, does that mean we’ll see each other again?”

“Well, I do have to go back to the library to return the book. So, hopefully, yes.” You both exchange stares, sharing sheepish smiles with you breaking away first, bringing your focus back to your coffee. “I’ve never seen you in the library before,” Jaehyun questions, “Is today your first time visiting?”

“No. I’ve been visiting it almost every day for the last… two weeks, I think? It’s near my workplace so I usually drop by after work to read for an hour or two. My apartment is pretty small so it feels a bit cramped. That’s why I enjoy spending more time outside.” You swirl your spoon, watching the little whirlpool you create inside your cup. “Besides, I can’t read at home.”

“Why’s that?”

“It’s…” You awkwardly laugh, waving one hand in the air. “I have a boyfriend who is younger than me and he’s a pretty lively person. It’s hard to focus on your book when someone keeps pulling you into conversations.”

Jaehyun’s fingers stop tapping against the surface of the coffee table but it’s too fast for you to notice before he starts again. “Isn’t it better to have someone like that rather than to be alone, though?” He counters, the smile on his lips never falter but the one in his eyes does.

“I…” It’s not apparent but you can sense it, the painful look on his face. It feels like you just said something that hurt him so badly that you want to apologize about it. “Yeah… I guess so…”

Maybe he notices you noticing, which is why he tries to mask his feelings better with a wider smile that does reach his eyes this time. “Why do you choose this library?” He diverts the topic. “There are a lot of new ones in town, bigger ones too. This place is pretty old and dusty.”

“Can’t argue with that.” You nod, sighing. “Okay, don’t laugh, but honestly? It just feels somewhat nostalgic to me. The first time I stepped inside, it felt like I’d been spending all my life there—just sitting on that old couch, reading books, enjoying the silence. It just feels familiar, even more comforting than being in my room. It’s weird but I can only feel at ease when I read there.” Jaehyun stays quiet that you have to lift your head to understand what goes through his head. His face is pensive, undecipherable. “What about you? What’s your reason, Jaehyun?”

He stops breathing at the sound of his name escaping your mouth, his shoulders tense, and only after what feels like hours, he finally has the strength to drag his eyes away from yours, bringing them down to see his interlaced fingers lying on the table. 

“It’s just closer to my place.”

***

“Hey, babe.” Donghyuck chirps with a lollipop stuck in his mouth, his fingers running through the keyboards, eyes locked to his computer screen. He can tell that it’s you who just slipped through the front door by the sound of your footsteps. “You’re late. Did you get the puddings I asked you?”

“They’re in the fridge.” You take off your coat and unwrap your scarf from your neck before you stroll toward the living room. You can’t remember what or who initiated it but it has been almost six months since he started living in your apartment. You remember how he used to spend just one night at your place on the weekend, then two when he felt a bit needy for your touch. Before you knew it, his personal belongings were scattered all over the place—his hoodie on the couch, his towel on the bed, his toothbrush on your sink—and he could be spending the entire week at your place, only moving once to his apartment when he ran out of comic books to read. It just came so naturally that you didn’t notice at first but by the time you did, it was too late to even bring the topic to the table.

Being with Donghyuck was easy, casual, and he gave you more reasons to laugh over little things more than anyone else. During the first two months, you acted like newlyweds with him peppering kisses on your face whenever you arrived home from work. Unlike you, Donghyuck is a freelancer and he does most of his work at home. He used to be considerate enough to do some chores for you—cooking, cleaning the bathroom, sometimes even doing your laundry when he felt he’d been neglecting you. Whenever you arrived late, he would’ve always had something prepared for you, beaming at you with a contagious grin while chiming, “Finally, you’re here! I’ve been waiting for you and I’m starving. Today’s dish is your favorite so let’s eat!”

But things are bound to change and happiness doesn’t last forever. It started slow, almost unnoticeable, with him forgetting to kiss you good night before bed and you treating the fact that he no longer paid attention to what you were wearing as normal. Nowadays, he doesn’t have enough affection to greet you with his smile—one that used to shine brighter than the sun. Comforting hugs and welcome kisses are long forgotten.

It’s lonely, but it’s fine. He’s still here. Donghyuck is still yours as much as you are his.

It’s fine.

“I met someone today,” you say, reaching out to stroke his dark hair. It’s so soft and fluffy like a dog’s fur and you find it calming just to card your fingers through them. The feelings are the same, only his reaction isn’t. He used to lean into your touch as a kitten would. Now, he doesn’t even spare you a glance. 

“A man?”

“Yep.”

“Is he hot?”

“Well, he’s not ugly.”

“Then don’t get too close to him.”

Donghyuck is the jealous type, he’s always been—sometimes even a bit possessive but it makes you happy to know there’s someone out there who cares about you so much he doesn’t want to share you with anyone else. But not today. Today, his words feel empty. You can tell that he doesn’t mean any of them. He just says them as a joke, maybe out of habit, but certainly not a warning.

“What will we be having for dinner?” You ask him when he’s busy shouting foul words to his screen as his character just got shot dead.

“Jesus—left, you moron!” He groans loudly in to the air before he turns around, finally recognizing your presence. “What? Oh.” He pops the lollipop out of his mouth. “I just had some take-outs.”

“You didn’t wait for me?”

“I was dead hungry, but I ordered some for you too. It’s probably cold now but you can heat it up.”

“Can you do that for me, please? I love it when you add more seasonings to it.”

“I’d love to do that but,” he smiles apologetically, his fingers meeting the keyboards once more. “I’m busy, babe. There’s an event going on and Jeno literally won’t let me take a break. Look, I’ll cook for you tomorrow, I promise.”

You have stopped believing in his promises, or at least, don’t allow yourself to believe. You’ve learned that the best way to avoid disappointment is to not expect anything.

You smile back, push his hair away so you can land a kiss on his temple. And no matter how much your bottled-up feelings are about to burst, you don’t say a word.

Because you know silence is what keeps your relationship alive.

***

That night, Jaehyun appeared in your dream.

He had a different hairstyle, a little bit shorter, color’s a shade darker. He was dressed in an old-fashioned way—a white buttoned-up shirt under a brown blazer that was a couple of sizes bigger than it was supposed to. Nevertheless, he looked just as strikingly handsome as he was in real life.

He took off his fedora hat, bowing when his eyes met yours as he entered the library—the one that you always visit. “You look beautiful today,” he said, smiling like he always has from the first time you saw him but it felt different in the dream. His smile was timid and shy, eyes never stayed long enough to be locked with yours, but they were honest. The way they shimmered in adoration at the sight of you, painted with both desire and affection.

Your body went autopilot, words flowing from your mouth before you could even process the situation. It was like you were residing in someone else’s body, just a bystander. “Are you saying I didn’t look beautiful yesterday?”

“No, that’s not—” At the sight of you covering your smile behind your hand, he sighed, pressing his hat to his chest. “Don’t tease me like that.”

“I’m sorry. Which book would you like to read today?”

“Will you choose one for me?”

“Unfortunately, I have a peculiar taste when it comes to books—”

“I trust you.” He smiled a tad wider, perfect teeth peeking behind soft red lips, and you could feel your lips curving to mirror his. 

“Well then,” you said, reaching toward a bookshelf. “Why don’t we start with this?”

It ended without you knowing what book it was nor the line between your dream and reality. They stand out so vividly—the scenery, his expressions, the lines you’d exchanged with him—that it takes you a few good minutes to realize that it was just a dream and not a memory.

You couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night.

***

The library is indeed old, with walls standing in dire need to be repainted. But the faint smell of sandalwood combined with the orange tint of sunlight sneaking through the windows is comforting. Crowds don’t gather much around here—maybe four or five people at most—and you’re consoled by the tranquility. There’s only a soft thrum of acoustic guitar playing through the speakers that keep you company.

And Jaehyun.

You meet him every day when the sun is an hour away from setting. You don’t chat for long, spending most of your hour reading your chosen book for the day while stealing glances at him scribbling stuff down on his notebook.

“Why don’t you use a laptop?”

“Not fond of it. I feel more like a writer this way,” Jaehyun responds, re-reading the words he just wrote on paper. When he notices you’re giggling, he frowns. “What?”

“You’re like my dad.”

“Then I’m sure your dad is a very smart, tech-savvy man.”

“I’m saying you have an old soul, the way you prefer to do stuff more traditionally.” You sink further into your chair, opening a new page, eyes scanning the lines but not reading them. “Well, I guess that makes the two of us since I already have the e-book version of this on my iPad and I’m still here reading it in a library. How’s your story going?”

“Pretty well. I just came up with a really annoying character.” His smile is a bit different this time, somewhat mischievous. “Inspired by someone.”

“You’re not talking about me, are you?”

Jaehyun drags his pen over his note. “Character A begins to question her—”

“Shut up!”

The more time you spend with him, the more you feel like he’s becoming a mystery you can’t solve. You’re closer to him, closer than any of your friends, but you know there are secrets he tries to bury underneath those tender smiles. To you, Jaehyun, with his eyes that always seem like they’re telling a different story—one that nearly drives him to the brink of tears, still seems like an incomplete puzzle. And if time allows you, you’d gladly collect every piece of him to be able to perceive him better.

***

Jaehyun visited you in another dream.

This time, you were walking next to him beside a beautiful pond in a backyard that seemed familiar enough to be your own. Both of you were dressed in traditional clothing and you wondered whether a ceremony just occurred.

“Are you nervous?” He asked, holding your hand.

“I don’t know, maybe,” you heard yourself mumble, body moving beyond your control. “I just feel like we’re moving too fast. We just turned twenty.”

“Are you having doubts?” He intertwined your fingers better and you noticed how his were shaking slightly. “About me?”

“Of course not.” You turned around, reaching up to caress his cheek, stroking his cheekbone with your thumb. “Jaehyun, this is the only thing I’ve ever wanted. I want to be with you, there’s no doubt about it. I’m just thinking about our future, that’s all. What will we do with our jobs? Our money? What will we do when we have kids—”

“It’s just like you to overthink about stuff,” he tittered, “We’ll cross the bridge when we get there.”

That earned him a pout. “I’m not overthinking about stuff. I’m planning them.”

“Of course, my bad.” He kissed your inner palm once before he let you frame his face again, his hand pressing against the back of your smaller one. “Thank you.”

You frowned. “For what?”

“For everything. For caring, for worrying.” Jaehyun smiled so gently, it was almost heartbreaking. “For being with me. Perhaps it’s immature for me to say this, but whatever future that lies ahead of us, I’m sure it’s filled with nothing but joy as long as we’re together.”

“That is such an embarrassing line to say.” You giggled and the blush that bloomed on his face was instant and striking but before he could say a word, you pulled him into your embrace, resting your cheek against his chest. “As long as we’re together, huh?” You repeated quietly. “Then will you promise you’ll stay with me forever?”

“I promise.” Jaehyun’s smile was pressing against your hairline. “Not even death can separate us.”

You wake up with a cold sweat, your heart thrumming so loudly, it makes you feel nauseous. Donghyuck shifts around in bed at the sound of you gasping for air, sleepily asking what’s wrong as he rubs his eyes.

“I’m fine,” you tremulously utter, a hand on your chest as if it could do something to steady your racing heart. “Go back to sleep.”

Donghyuck sends you another look with eyes barely opened. “Come here.” He tugs you closer to his chest, his nose grazing the crook of your neck. “It’s just a nightmare,” he murmurs drowsily against your skin, and in a matter of seconds, he drifts back to sleep.

“Yeah…” You swallow your breath, Jaehyun’s name resting on the tip of your tongue. “Just a nightmare…”

One that feels too real.

***

Weeks turn into months, and what started as curiosity becomes affection. 

Reading books has turned into nothing but an excuse for both of you to spend time together. What started as stealing secret glances at each other has morphed into an exchange of secret whispers in a secluded corner. The questions have become more personal too, and you find yourself talking about childhood memories and nonsensical ideas that show up in your thoughts, even the ones you have never shared with anyone else, not even to Donghyuck who lends his arm for you at night.

It’s only the dreams that you keep quiet about, as they always revolve around him since the first day you met Jaehyun. You’re not sure why, maybe it’s a way of your subconscious trying to tell you that you have feelings for him—feelings that aren’t meant to be shared with friends—as the dreams tend to play romantically. And you can’t deny that you do feel something about him.

It’s hard not to feel anything when Jaehyun has given you everything you’ve ever asked from a person. From a friend. From a lover.

But it’s not love. Definitely not love. At least not in the way you know of. In your mind, love is in the form of hugs you share with Donghyuck, not in the way Jaehyun lands his eyes on yours. Love is—

Your head swirls. What is love?

The concept of love is so complex that even if you know about it, you’re not sure if you understand it enough to experience it. You have never talked about love, not with your boyfriend, not with yourself. Is it something that you’ve already felt once? Are you in love with Donghyuck—the man you’ve spent the last two years together?

What does he think of me? You start to lose focus, sinking into your thoughts and the soft music playing in the background feels like a lullaby. Does Hyuck love me?

Before long, you feel your eyelids grow heavy. You fall asleep with your arms folded on the table, cheek pressing against them.

You’re dreaming. You’re dreaming of a hand, so warm and tender as it brushes stray hairs from your temple. You’re dreaming of a voice, so familiar to your ears, so quiet and heartbroken as it resonates in whispers. You’re dreaming of a pair of lips, so soft and light as they press against your strands.

“It’s okay if you don’t remember me. It’s okay, so please…” Slender fingers curl around your wrist, bringing it to frame a face with skin as soft as porcelain. “Just come back to me…”

You wake up. 

Jaehyun is sitting on the other side of the table, pen tapping against his lips as he reads back his work, eyebrows furrowing in concentration. He notices the little shift in your movement, immediately beaming at you with his signature smile. “Hey there, Sleepyhead.”

You rub your eyes before sitting straight on your seat, your hair’s astray. “What—How did I—” A coat is slipping through your shoulders and you catch it before it meets the ground. It’s Jaehyun’s. “Umm—t-thanks,” you mumble, handing it back to him.

“Sure,” he responds. “You were shivering so…”

“Oh… Right.” You certainly don’t feel cold now especially when your cheeks feel like they’re on fire. “W-what time is it?”

“Around eight. The place’s about to close.” Jaehyun takes a sip of his drink, grinning at your behavior. “You were sleeping so soundly, I didn’t have the heart to wake you.”

“Yeah, well, you should’ve. My boyfriend's gonna interrogate me for this.” You sigh, trying to gather back every bit of your strength and dignity. “Why are you still here?”

He raises an eyebrow at that, acting offended. “You don’t actually think that I’m the type of guy who leaves pretty girls sleeping defenselessly in public, do you?”

The word ‘pretty’ comes so effortlessly from his mouth that you’re sure he doesn’t mean it to mean something more. “There’s literally no one else around here but the staff besides us.”

“Which should be the more reason why I shouldn’t have left you alone.”

You scoff, shaking your head in amusement. “Yes, yes, how chivalrous of you. Thank you, oh my mighty prince. How can I return the favor?”

“By coming here again tomorrow?”

The way his eyes shine with excitement at the thought of seeing you again makes your heart flutter. “I don’t think you need to ask,” you grin.

***

Jaehyun knows you. He knows you too well. But it’s not the things that can be seen, it’s the things that you can only know by spending time together. Jaehyun knows the type of music you listen to, knows that whenever it gets too cold, you’ll start craving a cup of hot chocolate. 

It’s strange, the fact that Jaehyun, a stranger you just befriended, pays attention with all his heart, even at the words that accidentally slipped off your tongue as if you’re the only person who matters in the world, while Donghyuck, your boyfriend, barely bats an eyelash when you share an important aspect of your life. It feels strange at first, but now, it sickens you.

“What’s this?” You ask, examining a CD case he just hands over. “Are you giving me a mix-tape?” It doesn’t have a cover, just a note painted with the words: When we die, we will turn into songs, and we will hear each other and remember each other. You have your eyebrow raised. “A quote by Rob Sheffield?”

“It’s a hint for my story. As promised.” He takes a seat in front of you. “Have you worked on it?”

“When you’re only giving me this quote as a hint and nothing more, it’s kinda hard to come up with something tragic for the ending.”

“I thought you had a very creative imagination.”

You throw a playful glare and he titters a little bit in response. “Is there any other reason why you’re giving me this?”

“Just something to keep you company.” He smiles. He always smiles, but more with his eyes than his lips. Then he slides down another thing—a book this time—wrapped with a red ribbon. “As you read this.”

It’s an old book written by your favorite author, one that you haven’t been able to read because it’s so rare to find. “How do you—” You’re lost for words. You have never told him about this. You’ve mentioned your favorite books but none from this author as it is something personal that you prefer to keep to yourself, not wanting others to judge you for your distinctive taste.

“It’s written by my favorite author,” he elaborates, “I just thought you’d like it too since we have similar taste.”

There’s something he’s not telling you, you can sense that. But if he’s not ready to provide the words, you won’t take them away by force.

“Thank you.” You hug the book to your chest. Somehow, the air feels like spring, like cherry blossoms blooming for the first time after being frozen for so long. “I’ll cherish this.”

“It’s just a book, don’t be dramatic,” he chuckles but happiness is written all over his face, mirroring yours. Jaehyun’s eyes soften and he appears so fragile, like a porcelain doll. So beautiful and vulnerable.

The songs he has compiled for you seem like they’re taken straight out of your playlist. Even for the songs you’ve never listened to before, they click right in. You’re so caught by the moment, drowned deep in the lyrics and the music that resonates from your speakers, that you don’t hear the sounds of your boyfriend stepping into the room.

“I thought I heard noises. What are you listening to?” Donghyuck asks, leaning over your shoulder to peek at the empty CD case you’ve been holding on your lap.

“A friend gave me,” you answer. You notice the way his eyes dart to the handwritten note and it makes you nervous as if you’re doing something wrong behind his back, something forbidden.

“What a thoughtful friend,” he comments nonchalantly, albeit a little bit cold. You mask your anxiety with a chuckle. “Maybe you can tell your friend that there’s this thing called Spotify nowadays. Literally no one listens to CDs anymore.”

Your tongue lays heavy in your mouth, and maybe it’s better to leave things the way it is but you can’t stop yourself from bitterly saying, “I happen to like listening to CDs. It makes me feel nostalgic.”

“You and your nostalgia.” Donghyuck snorts, completely missed the annoyed tone in your voice. He places a peck on the top of your head. “Well, I’m hungry. What do you want to have for dinner? I’ll cook."

“There’s a new Chinese restaurant opening just a block away,” Jaehyun said on a Sunday evening when you two were about to part ways. “They got amazing reviews. Do you have some time to spare? I know how much you love Chinese food.”

“I never told you I loved Chinese food.”

“Everybody loves Chinese food, it’s not that hard to guess.”

“Fine. But if you can guess what I’m about to order, I’ll start filing a restraining order against you, assuming you’re a stalker.”

“Well, I gotta be careful not to get caught then.”

“Baby?” Donghyuck snaps you out of your reverie. “I’m asking what you wanna have for dinner.”

“Umm…” You push a loose strand of your hair behind your ear, somewhat jittery. “Chinese food?”

He frowns upon your words. “I didn’t know you liked Chinese food.”

“I-it’s just something I haven’t eaten in a while.”

“Well, I’m going to cook you something better.” He grins, boyish and ignorant. “How about your favorite Spaghetti Aglio e Olio by Chef Lee Donghyuck?”

You smile, weak but hopefully not empty. “That would be nice.”

***

“You’re okay?” Jaehyun asks the second you take a seat in front of him. He seems so concerned that it surprises you. You haven’t realized you look that troubled.

“I’m fine,” you assure him with a smile. “Just… You know, boyfriend stuff.”

You can tell how Jaehyun is holding back his words from how tightly he keeps his lips pressed together. He’s always considerate like that, always detecting every little thing that you try to hide but never pressures you to speak, especially when it comes to your relationship. Jaehyun respects you, respects the fact that you are already involved with someone that he never tries to get you to look in his direction. Though his eyes often betray him, Jaehyun tries his best to maintain his distance. He never flirts, never praises you with romantic words, never steps out of line.

And you’re thankful for that because deep down you know, once he does, it will be hard to untangle yourself from his grasp.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I’d rather not.”

“Then...” Jaehyun closes his book, leaning closer. His dimples are so prominent when he grins, eyes turning into a beautiful pair of crescents. “How about we go try out some dumplings?”

It’s so sudden and random but once the idea sinks in, there’s only one thing you want to say. “Take me away, Jaehyun.”

It’s not about the food. It’s not about ignoring your problems, or the loneliness that’s drowning you a little bit more every day. It’s about enjoying the little things with someone who understands you, someone who doesn’t need to hold your hand to keep you warm. 

Someone who can finally let you breathe.

***

“I can’t believe it’s closed early,” you whine after you read the sign that’s strapped to the library’s front door. “And I was so excited to read the next chapter too.”

“What’s the book?” Jaehyun asks, adjusting the strap of his bag that hangs low on his shoulder.

“No Longer Human.”

“By Osamu Dazai?”

“Yep.”

“I’ve got a copy of that.”

“What, really?” The spark of glee that glimmer in your eyes catches him by surprise but he hides it behind a soft smile. “Can I borrow it? It’s such an old book, I can’t even find the e-book version of it.”

“Sure. Would you like to come over to my place?” The line makes your breath hitched in your throat and Jaehyun recognizes the faint blush that spreads on your cheeks. Mirroring your reaction, he hastily clears his throat, rubbing his nape as his face turns scarlet. “Or, uhh, I can just hand it over to you tomorrow.”

“No, it’s—” As you tuck your hair behind your ear, you notice your fingers are shaking. “I have—I’ve got time to spare. You have coffee at your place, right?”

His shoulders begin to relax and with a soft gaze, he reciprocates with an even tender smile. “If you’re alright with instant coffees.”

“Then lead the way.”

Jaehyun has this mature persona around him, like a caring big brother that calms you down but the second you arrive in his hallway, he fumbles with his words, his key slipping out of his fingers during his first try, and his nervousness starts to rub off on you.

It makes you wonder whether he’s feeling like he’s crossing the line, just as much as you are with Donghyuck’s name sitting on the front of your mind.

“Come in,” he invites, opening the door but keeping his eyes anywhere else but yours. “I hope you don’t mind the mess.”

His apartment smells just like him and it makes it hard for you to focus on anything else. But the second you’re able to sort that thought away, you realize something. He keeps his place minimalist and neat, just like the way he dresses and writes. Everything is organized properly with two paintings decorating his walls—ones that remind you of your grandmother’s house. “You really do have an old soul,” you playfully comment and he scrunches his nose at you in return.

It feels more familiar to step into Jaehyun’s apartment than your own because he has everything that you wanted and more. All the books sitting on his shelf, his collection of CDs, even the potpourri he has on his coffee table has the same scent with the one you’re planning to buy. 

“I know you said we have similar taste, but this…” You scan his bookshelf in awe, noticing how it almost covers his entire wall from how huge it is. He owns hundreds of books and everything is arranged alphabetically. “This is just taking it to another level. Are you sure you’re not my stalker?”

He simpers. “If I was, I wouldn’t have invited you here. Too much evidence.”

“Or maybe you’re just planning to keep me here with you forever.” When he doesn’t reply, you realize how wrong that line just sounded. “I’m sorry, was that a weird thing to say?”

“I didn’t hear anything.” Jaehyun waves you off, walking to the kitchen. “Coffee?”

“Yes, please.”

The tension gradually starts to ease by the time you have a book in your lap, your eyes running from one passage to another. Sitting next to you, Jaehyun has his pen glued to his notepad again, his brown hair nearly looks golden as the sunset illuminates his face with such a warm, beautiful glow.

He really does look like a painting, you admire as you steal glances at him from behind your book. The perfect shape of his nose, his smooth skin, the way he’s so focused on his story, drowned inside his imagination… Maybe you’re being carried away, taken by his beauty, that your mouth begins to produce the words without thinking.

“Why do you look so sad?” 

Jaehyun’s pen nearly slips from his fingertips. “What?”

“Sometimes you just look... so lonely and hurt,” you clarify although you’re growing more conscious of the way you’re crossing the line. “It feels like you’re forcing yourself to smile when you look at me...”

Jaehyun loses the ability to speak, even just blinking his eyes already seems like a stretch. But he sees something, the genuine curiosity and concern written in your eyes, that makes him avert his gaze away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he remarks, forcing himself to chuckle and you know that’s he’s showing you that smile again, even when you can barely make out his features.

You don’t know what’s gotten into you. Maybe you’re just tired of him keeping secrets to himself when you’re sure they concern you. Maybe you’re just sick of seeing him like he’s on the verge of breaking apart without knowing the cause. Or perhaps it’s just your selfish way of saying, “I want you to smile, truly smile, because of me and no one else.”

But you find yourself reaching out a hand, your fingertips meeting the warm skin of his cheek, wanting him to turn his face around so you can see his expression. Jaehyun jolts, your name tumbles down his lips abruptly, his hand clamping against your wrist. “What are you doing?” His eyes are shaking as they bore deep into yours but yours are steady. Your eyes, your voice, your fingertips. They’ve never been this steady.

This is the first time you’ve been this close to him, to know how long his eyelashes really are, the way they flutter against his cheeks, the curve of his mouth, and the beauty mark on his pale skin. He’s possibly the most beautiful man you’ve ever witnessed in person.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to suddenly touch you like that.” You try to retract your hand, but he keeps his fingers around your wrist, hand hanging mid-air as he swallows his breath. Seeing him nervous makes you nervous. “Jaehyun, I won’t force you to say anything you don’t want to say, but…” You haven’t realized that you’ve been speaking in whispers, but Jaehyun has and his eyes soften just as much as yours do. “Please don’t pretend, not when you’re with me.”

Whether it’s from your words or the tenderness in your voice, you’re not sure, but Jaehyun releases your hand only so he can cup your cheek. He murmurs your name, so soft as if he’s telling a secret that he’s been dying to say. He leans forward, his breath is now fanning your cheek, and he’s so close, so close, and your eyes begin to shut when his lips faintly graze against yours—

The ringing sound of your phone blares through the room. 

Your entire movement stops but your heart runs a thousand miles per hour. It takes a good few seconds to come back to reality, and when you do, you’re not graceful at it. “Umm—” You glance away, breaking free from his touch. Your fingers are trembling hard when they retrieve your phone from the table. It has stopped ringing and a notification appears on your screen. The sight of your boyfriend’s name makes you feel like the floor is crumbling underneath you. “Sorry, it’s Donghyuck—I have to—It’s getting late, he must be looking for me.” Too embarrassed to see his face, you quickly gather your belongings into your arms, not even spending a few seconds to wear your coat back. “Thank you for inviting me. I have to go. I’ll see you tomorrow?” And you don’t wait for an answer, only forcing yourself to laugh which comes out as strained and pitchy, before you head toward the front door.

“Wait.” Jaehyun has his right hand pressing against the back of the door, shutting it close before you have the chance to let yourself out. You’re trapped between the door and his chest, making it harder for you to breathe. “Can you look at me?” He firmly orders but promptly adds a soft, “Please,” when you’re not brave enough to respond to him. 

You turn around, hugging your purse and your coat to your chest, facing him but not meeting his eyes. You can feel him analyzing your expression, feel how heavy his gaze is on your face. He bends down slightly, hand reaching out to frame your face like before but you flinch, eyes shutting tightly before he can make any contact.

You can’t see the look on his face as you are too frightened to do so, but you can tell how much you hurt him by the sound of his voice. “You forgot your book,” he states, handing a copy of Osamu Dazai’s No Longer Human.

“O-oh, right.” You sound so nervous, so afraid, and you don’t know why. “It’s okay. I won’t be able to read at home anyway—”

“I want you to have it.” It’s the first time he loses the warmth in his voice when he speaks and if you’re not too clouded by your thoughts, if you weren’t so selfish, you would’ve tried your best to fix the situation. But not right now. Right now, you just want to disappear. You want to run back home, run into Donghyuck’s arms like how you’re supposed to be. 

Because this is wrong. This isn’t supposed to happen. Not when you have another man waiting for your return.

You take the book from his hand, noticing how your fingers brush his and how they stay that way for a little too long, but Jaehyun doesn’t say anything. “I’m sorry,” you mumble out, tears begin to prickle at the corner of your eyes and you’re still not sure why you’re on the verge of crying.

“Don’t be. It was my fault.” He notices your emotions, he always does, and it breaks you apart to know how much you’re breaking him right now. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Nothing happened,” you convince him, shaking your head and will your tears to go away before they fall down your cheeks. “We didn’t do anything.”

Jaehyun’s fingers curls, nails sinking into his palms as he tries his best to mask what he’s feeling. “You’re right,” he quietly repeats, “Nothing happened.”

***

“Where have you been?”

Your keys slip through your fingers at the sound of Donghyuck’s voice and you’re petrified, millions of thoughts running through your head as you try to come up with an excuse.

But why? Why do you have to come up with an excuse? “Nothing happened. We didn’t do anything.” Isn’t that what you said?

“Babe?”

You jump back a couple of steps when Donghyuck walks into your personal space with a frown breaking on his temple. He furrows his eyebrows deeper at your reaction. “You okay? You look kinda pale.”

“Yeah, umm—” You adjust the collar of your turtleneck shirt, suddenly feeling like you’re being choked. “It’s fine—I’m fine. I just had a long day at work.”

“Why didn’t you text me? I could’ve swung by to pick you up.”

You force yourself to smile at his offer. “Thank you. It’s okay, really. Were you waiting for me?”

“Well yeah, I wanted to eat dinner together. It’s been a while since we did that and I wanted to make it up to you.” He cutely pouts and you’re reminded of the reason why you’re so trapped under his spell. “Text me next time when you’re about to come home late so I don’t have to wait for you.”

There it is. It strikes again. The feeling of loneliness. Curling your fingers at the hem of your shirt, you weakly reply with, “I’m sorry.”

Because out of the millions of thoughts that run through your head, that’s the only thing you have the bravery to say out loud.

***

“Hyuck?” You call out, carding your fingers through his soft locks. Donghyuck has his head on your lap with his legs sprawled out, taking most of the couch. His eyes are glued to the screen of his Nintendo Switch, thumb moving frantically to land a new high score. “I think we need to talk.”

Donghyuck doesn't respond right away. After a few relentless movements of his thumbs, he shouts, “Fuck, not again! Goddamn, I gotta restart all over again.” You can see him renewing the game, picking a different character. “What do you want to talk about?”

“I just…” You’re nervous, feeling more so than the pain that swells in your chest from not being taken seriously. “It feels like we haven’t been spending time with each other. Properly, I mean.”

“We’re spending time together now, aren’t we?” He hisses when his character takes another damage from his opponent. “What, do you want to watch a movie or something?”

I want us to talk. I want us to laugh. I want us to listen to each other like we used to. “I’m not in the mood for movies right now.”

After taking another shot, Donghyuck groans. “Fuck this stupid game,” he grumbles, throwing his device to the coffee table. “You know what’s annoying? The fact that I could land a perfect high score when I was drunk as fuck but now, I can’t even get into top three!”

Your patience is growing thin, but even then, you can’t find the strength to confront him properly. “Hyuck…”

“Right, sorry.” He heaves a sigh, rubbing his head as he sits straight up, facing you properly. “What is it? Is there something wrong?”

You meet his gaze and you realize how rarely you stand in this position, with him looking directly at your face with concern in his eyes. Now that he’s paying you full attention, your vocabulary turns into a blank slate. Your lips are parted but your voice is nowhere to be found, as it is hidden by the fear of speaking beyond control once you let your emotions run loose. 

“I…” You begin, clearing your throat to sound less anxious. “Are you happy with me?”

He knits his eyebrows together. “Of course, I’m happy. What are you talking about? Have I done something to upset you?”

“No, it’s…” Your hands lay rigid on your lap, fingers tightening around each other. You weakly smile. “Nothing. I guess I just had some weird thoughts popping in my head.”

“Look, I promise you I’ll do the laundry this weekend,” he confidently convinces you, as if that was the problem you’re currently facing. He pokes you on the nose, grinning boyishly. “Stop acting so weird, you’re creeping me out. What else are you thinking about? If it’s sex you want, you just gotta ask. You know I’m down with it anytime you want.”

“Yeah, of course…” You can force yourself to laugh but every sound you make feels like a knife piercing against your heart. “Sorry, I was just being stupid. You can ignore me.”

“I won’t ignore you, how can I do that? Not when you’re this cute.” He giggles, pressing a kiss to your forehead. But his affection does not make the butterflies in your stomach come alive. It makes hot tears threatening to appear in your eyes. “I like your sweater,” Donghyuck coos, “Is it new?”

No, this is my third time wearing it in front of you. “Yes. I’m glad you noticed.”

“I always notice everything about you.” He ruffles your hair as he stands up, stretching out his arms above his head. “Is there anything else you’d like to talk about? ‘Cause I’m dead tired.”

“No. Thank you for listening.”

“Anytime, babe.” He bends his head down to kiss you fully on the mouth, tongue running along your lower lip just to tease like usual. When he pulls away, he has his juvenile grin intact. “Well, I’m going to bed. If I wake up late tomorrow, you can re-heat the food. I’ve stored everything in the fridge.”

Donghyuck disappears behind the door before you can finish saying good night.

***

The sun’s about to set… He must have been there already.

It has been two days since you last saw Jaehyun. You know you’re not being fair avoiding him like this, but you don’t know what else to do. You’re not brave enough to face him after that. Have you been giving him signs? Was it your fault, was it the expression you made, was it the words you spoke, that made him lean towards you, asking for a kiss that you were more than eager to give?

“Hey, babe,” Lee Donghyuck chirps against your ear, arms finding their way to circle your waist, pulling you to his lap. “What are you doing?”

You’re successful at hiding your surprise but knowing it’s Donghyuck, anything will probably pass by without him realizing. Even when you have spent the last fifteen minutes reading the same paragraph in your book over and over again as your thoughts drift somewhere else. 

You have a boyfriend and it’s not Jaehyun. Donghyuck is everything to you now, isn’t he? Yet, if you hadn’t been interrupted by that phone call, you were sure you would’ve yielded to Jaehyun’s touch.

“Nothing happened. We didn’t do anything.”

You’re disgusted with yourself.

You throw a glance to the side, your nose nearly brushing his as Donghyuck settles his chin on your shoulder. Unlike Jaehyun who has a fresh, masculine scent, Donghyuck smells like summer and lilacs under the sun. It’s comforting and sweet, yet even after two years, it stills feels somewhat unfamiliar to you.

“Reading a book.” You shiver when he pushes your hair away, placing a lazy wet kiss on your nape, lips parted and tongue pressing against the skin. “Hyuck…”

“It’s okay, keep reading.” Whenever his mouth makes contact with your skin, he adds a hum or a moan to make sure you know that despite his words, he’s not giving you the chance to continue. “You want us to spend more time together, don’t you?”

You deeply exhale, staring lifelessly at the ceiling, sensitive skin being caressed but none of his touches pumps desire through your veins. Since when did I stop wanting him this way? You wonder, feeling guilty when Jaehyun’s face appears in the corner of your mind once more.

“Baby,” Donghyuck murmurs seductively against the skin, thin fingers slipping underneath the hem of your shirt, trailing over your navel. “Hasn’t it been a while since we last did it?”

“It’s only been a week.”

“And that’s a week too long. I want you.” He strokes your cheek, guiding you to meet his eyes. “Can I touch you?”

It’s a rhetorical question since you both know you can’t say no when he demands something from you. “Of course.”

Donghyuck’s lips still taste the same, feel the same as they suck bruises on your delicate skin but the sparks are no longer there. He used to make you squirm with excitement, body begging under temptation. Sex used to be an adventure, a way for him to make you lose your mind, to have you gasping his name between moans, nails clawing against his back, thighs trembling under his fingertips.

Right now, sex is just… another glue to keep your relationship in place.

Clothes are discarded on the floor, and Donghyuck is sitting with you on his lap, his spine pressed against the couch, nails digging into your hips as he brings you down to take him inch-by-inch. He hisses when he feels you engulfing him with your warmth, head thrown back with lips parted in a blissful moan.

“No matter how much we’ve done it,” he chuckles, eyes glazed with lust. “I can never get enough of the way you’re taking me so well, baby.” Donghyuck is a very passionate lover and his lips love to praise, both by words and kisses. The way he calls your name, the way he whispers, “You feel so good around me,” often makes you wonder whether there would be any other man who will desire you this much. But is it love? Does he love you? 

Do you love him? 

You’re not sure. You don’t know yet. But you know he plays a huge part in your life. Donghyuck once added a spectrum of colors into your previously dull, monochromatic life. You care about him, think about him more than you should, even putting his needs and priorities above yours.

If that’s not love, then what is it?

“Donghyuck…” You flinch when he rocks his hips up, a bit too rough and forceful as he’s getting impatient with the pace you’re going. “I—I think I love you.”

It surprises you that these words can leave your lips but you don’t regret it. It’s the right thing to do, saying these words to him. It’s only natural after the amount of time you’ve spent with him. It’s a way to bridge the gap between you and him, to reignite the flame, to bring laughter back into your life. 

To fix the mistake you just made two days ago.

But maybe his thoughts are too clouded with lust, maybe your words are too quiet for him to hear, or maybe you haven’t said the words at all and everything is just playing inside your imagination but no matter what the reason is, Donghyuck doesn’t answer. The words that escape his lips are obscene, a sign that he’s about to finish and you let him pull you closer to his chest, let him sink his face in the crook of your neck, let him groan and release everything inside because that’s what you’re supposed to do.

“Did you get to come?” He asks, breathless and flushed when he’s finished. His bangs are glued to his temple, sun-kissed skin glistening with sweat and when he strokes your cheekbone with his fingers, they tremble from the pleasure that washed through his body.

“Yes.” You didn’t. You haven’t in a while. It’s not because you didn’t enjoy it. Donghyuck still moved in the way you wanted him to—in the way that used to untie the knots in your stomach, almost making you cry from how good it was. But you’ve begun to realize that there was a part of you missing and Donghyuck isn’t the right piece to complete the puzzle. 

Jaehyun.

The dread of having another man’s name running through your head is so much, it almost makes you vomit your insides. 

“Hyuck.”

“Yes, baby?”

“I said I love you.”

There’s no going around it this time. You’ve said the words, you’ve pronounced them loud and clear but when Donghyuck still doesn’t say anything, you wish the earth could swallow you whole. “Can you… say something, please…?”

“Baby,” he sighs, fingers framing your face so gently, it hurts you. “Please don’t take this the wrong way. It’s not that I don’t love you but—”

You’re stunned, shocked to your core at the incoming rejection but… that’s it.

You don’t feel anything. How can you not feel anything? You don’t feel hurt, you’re not disappointed, you’re just…

Relieved.

“Baby, are you listening?” Donghyuck calls again, grabbing you by your chin so he can peer into your eyes. “I like you. I really do like you. I like you so much but love is such a big word and for me to be committed that way is just… I don’t know, I haven’t figured out my feelings yet. I don’t even understand what love is. I just—I need more time.”

You’re lost for words. How can you tell him? How can you say that you’re so relieved he doesn’t love you back? How can you tell him that his action does not break you apart, but only makes you realize that you’ve just been forcing yourself to stay with him because it feels like it’s the right thing to do?

What if you’re just staying with him because you’re so afraid of being alone, not knowing that loneliness is the only thing he can offer you in return?

“I understand,” you quietly reply, climbing off his lap. Your knees wobble slightly under your weight as your mind travels somewhere else. You gather your clothes into your arms, placing them back on your body.

Donghyuck frowns at your reaction, calling your name as he stands up and pulls his jeans back to place. “Look, I don’t want to hurt you by saying it when I still don’t truly mean it the way you do.”

You can’t look at him, can’t meet his eyes when you can’t even understand how you feel. “I get it, Hyuck, it’s fine.”

But maybe Donghyuck is taking it the wrong way because his voice is laced with both exhaustion and desperation to make this feel any less terrible. “Babe, can we just talk—”

“I said, I’m fine!” You turn around to face him, head dizzy and heart palpitating. It scares you. It scares you that after all this time thinking Donghyuck was the one for you—all the things you’ve done, all the memories you’ve shared—you still don’t understand your feelings for him. You loved him once, you’re sure you loved him once. But is it love if the feeling isn’t eternal? Can you call it love when it fleets by so fast, disappearing without a trace as if it’s never existed in the first place?

To think that these two years you have spent with him would amount to nothing...

You take a deep breath, wishing your body and voice to stop shaking. When you look him in the eyes, there’s nothing but certainty written in your eyes. “You’re right, we need to talk.”

Donghyuck walks to your spot, hand resting against your waist, another one framing your cheek. “Please don’t be mad,” he whispers, and for the first time in the last few months, he does look sorry. “I’m happy to hear you say those words, I really do, but—”

“I want to break up.”

He freezes, jaw dropping low. “What?” 

“I want to break up with you, Donghyuck.”

“What—why—” His eyebrows are sewn together, and you take his hand away from your face, breaking free from his hold. “You’re breaking up with me because I can’t say I love you too?”

“No.” You exhale. “I’m breaking up with you because I feel fine with you not saying it back.”

He stands in silence, then his forced chuckles fill the air. “Babe, what are you talking about—”

“Are you happy with me?” The tremble in your voice has receded. “Be honest. Are you truly happy with me? Or are you just going along with everything because you’re so comfortable—so used to the situation of being with me—that you start to think as long as I’m not hurt, it’s fine. As long as I’m not alone, I can keep going with this relationship, even when I’m with someone who doesn’t truly understand me. Or accept the real me.”

Donghyuck releases the breath he doesn’t know he’s been holding. His voice is a pitch lower when he speaks, bitter and hurt. “Is that how you feel? All this time when we’re together?”

“No.” Your heart still breaks at the sight of his face. “I think I really did love you once, Hyuck. And if you had rejected me a few months earlier, I would’ve probably broken down crying. But now…” You grow stiff, noticing the infuriated look that’s plastered on his face. “I’m sorry.”

Donghyuck stays mute and the silence only adds more tension to the atmosphere. His teeth are grinding against each other when he replies. “Why did you even say you loved me if you weren’t fucking sure about how you felt?”

You twist your finger in the hemline of your shirt, in dire need of something to keep your emotions collected. “I thought it would make us grow closer again. To fix what’s lost between us,” you weakly admit, heart throbbing and breaking at the sight of him. “But then I realized that we shouldn’t say we love someone just because we have to. We should say it because we want to. Because we truly feel that way. But I didn’t feel anything when you didn’t say it back. I only felt… relieved.” 

The enraged look on his face forces you to drag your eyes to your feet and you stay still, breathing as quietly as possible. It’s only when Donghyuck starts to reach for his jacket, muttering, “I’m not having any of these bullshits,” as he walks passes you that you dare to look in his direction.

“How easy for you to put this all on me,” he declares with his fingers lingering on the doorknob, so spitefully it shocks you. “You probably think I’m dumb and insensitive, but I know. I’ve noticed the way you changed ever since you met him.”

“What?” His words feel like a slap to the face. “I don’t—”

“You know,” he cynically laughs into the air, throwing his head back. “Just because you found someone who makes you happy ‘cause he can quote your favorite lines, read your favorite books or listen to the same shit you like, doesn’t mean you can throw me away like I’m some fucking garbage.”

You’re petrified by his words. Somewhere in your head, you keep saying that the reason why you’re breaking up with him is that you’re so different from each other—that there would be little to no chance for the two of you to understand one another even if you’re given all the time in the world. But you can’t deny that there’s a part of you that completely rejects Donghyuck simply because you’ve stopped wanting him as much as you want Jaehyun. 

It sickens you.

“I’m…” It’s suffocating. The tension in the air, his eyes, the way your heartbeat is ramming against your ribcages. “I’m sorry...”

Your apology only aggravates him more and with gritted teeth, Donghyuck slams the door behind him, leaving you alone in the silence of your room.

Your apartment has never felt this big before.

***

It’s funny how you just ended your two years relationship with your boyfriend but Donghyuck isn’t the one you’ve been avoiding for months. It’s Jaehyun.

Something is gnawing at you from the inside, the feeling of guilt as if you just sinned. You didn’t cheat on your boyfriend. Physically, you didn’t. You’re attracted to Jaehyun, everybody would be to someone who owns such a handsome face and delicate features. But it’s more than just physical attraction because when you lay at night in your bed, alone and empty, it’s not his face that comes to mind. It’s the little thing he does, the way he listens to your words so attentively, the way he smiles—happy and sad at the same time, the way he greets you, the way he nibbles at his lower lip as he tries to think of a word to write on his note. 

And the dreams.

The dreams never stop, they only grow stronger. You can remember each and every one of them crystal clear when you wake up. They’re usually different every night but for the last few days, the atmosphere and the surroundings were the same. 

In the dream, you were lying down in a hospital bed, wearing nothing but your white gown, too weak to even lift a finger. Jaehyun was sitting on a wooden chair with a book in his hand—the one that he presented you as a gift in real life—while his other hand was holding yours, thumb tenderly gliding against your knuckles. He seemed much thinner, cheekbones growing prominent with dark eye-bags tainting his pale skin. But his smile was the same, just as warm, just as tender.

He was reading you a story, one that you had memorized by heart from how many times you’ve read it. But it’s different when he read the words out loud, voice melodious and soothing, like a mother’s lullaby. When it was over, he beamed at you, asking, “What’s your favorite part of the story?” And you opened your mouth but no words could come out. You were losing your voice, could only make croaking sounds and even that already put a strain on your body. You could see how much it broke him to hear you struggle but he waited patiently, hand squeezing yours tighter. 

“Me too,” he responded after he heard your answer, kissing your knuckles. “I like that one too.”

In another dream, you saw him sitting at the edge of your bed, his mouth still formed that beautiful, delicate smile, but his eyes were as heavy as the storm. You asked him, why, what’s wrong, trying your best to let your voice break free from your mouth. He brushed his fingers against your cheek, pushing your hair out of your eyes. “I won’t let anything separates us,” he said and it felt more like a promise than how it sounded. “Not time, not death, nothing. I will always be with you.” He let his lips linger on your temple as he whispered the next words. “So it’s okay if you want to sleep. I won’t be going anywhere.”

Then… I’ll see you again when I wake up.

“Yes.” He leaned closer, letting his lips meet your chapped ones in a chaste kiss. “I’ll see you again when you wake up.”

But by the time you opened your eyes, heart thrumming loudly inside your chest, with the sound of the alarm in your phone muffled by your pillow, you knew that in the dream, once you go to sleep, you’d never be able to wake up.

I have to see him.

***

Three months have passed since you last saw him. It’s funny that despite how close you are to each other, know each other like the back of your hand, you just only realize now that you haven’t given him a way to contact you. No home address. No phone numbers. No social media. You’re not even sure what his last name was. You never needed to know his contact details before. Every day, an hour before the sun is replaced by the moon, you will meet each other here in this library—that was the unspoken promise between you and neither of you ever broke it. Not until now. The second you stop coming to the library, you disappear from his life as well, as easy as snapping your fingers.

The quickest way to see him is by visiting the library. Today you will see him. You just have to.

It’s raining hard, hard enough to drench you to your socks, painting shivers to each of your fingertips. It’s a Sunday evening, the sun is an hour away from setting behind the horizon. But with how heavy the rain is going, the day will turn into the night before the sun can shine its light through the clouds again.

Hesitation arises within you as you take shelter on the porch, your shivering fingers circling the doorknob to the library. He might not even be here in this kind of weather, you miserably think to yourself. It wasn’t raining when you took your leave half an hour earlier but you should’ve noticed how thick and dark the clouds were. Your thoughts were too jumbled that you didn’t even think about carrying an umbrella with you.

But you’re already here and if he still keeps his promise…

You take a step inside.

Your clothes are drenched but thankfully they’re not dripping water to the carpeted floor. It’s warmer inside, so warm that you feel like you’re home, sitting close to a fireplace, basking in the scent of sandalwood. Your eyes naturally scan the room, taking a longer glance at the table where you usually sit in front of him, a book in your hands, a smile strapped to your face. Jaehyun’s nowhere to be seen.

He’s not here. Is it because of the rain? Or… Maybe he has stopped coming here to see me. 

You can only realize how important someone is to you when they’re gone and it hurts so much that you have to nip at your lower lip, fingers curling around the end of your sweater. 

I want to see him again…

“You’re here…”

You turn your head to the source of his voice, heart about to burst when you see Jaehyun stopping on his tracks, one hand holding the entrance door open, another one carrying a folded umbrella that drips water to the floor. He’s so stunned at the sight of you, he doesn’t even appear to be breathing. In a whisper, your name breaks free from his lips.

And you run towards him with all your might.

He nearly stumbles from how hard you’re crushing your body against his, his umbrella falling from his grip but he doesn’t push you away. Jaehyun is warm, warmer than everything you’ve ever held and you wonder whether you’re just freezing from the cold or he’s always been this comforting. It feels so natural to stay in his embrace, to be wrapped with his strong arms, to have him whisper your name against the shell of your ear. 

I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you so much.

Jaehyun...

The first tear that slips down your cheek is an accident, as you don’t want him to see you cry. You don’t even know why you’re crying but you can’t stop. You sob against his chest, fingers curling against the fabric of his knitted sweater, gritting your teeth to stop yourself from crying harder but failing every time. 

Jaehyun never breaks away from your embrace. He does not care if people stare, does not listen to the murmurs being exchanged at the back of the room. He pulls you closer, one hand holding you around the waist and the other one stroking your damp hair. “I thought I’d never see you again,” he says, overwhelming you with his scent, his warmth, his voice, his everything and you still want more. His lips nearly brush against the tip of your ear when he whispers, “I’ve missed you.”

Your hands are now fisting the back of his sweater, pressing your cheek to his chest as you muffle your cry, focusing more on the sound of his heartbeat. It feels like a dream, one that you never want to wake up.

It’s only when you have the strength to pull away from him that he releases you. He swipes his thumb under your eye, erasing the stains of your tears. He looks at you in a way that is so different than the way Donghyuck used to. His gaze is softer, a mix between the feeling of relief for having you in his arms and a yearning to have more as if you’re still far away from his reach.

I want him to stare at me like this forever.

“You’re freezing,” he says, noticing the coldness of your cheek against his palm. “Would you like to come over to my place? I can make you something warm.”

You let out a tiny laugh. “That would be nice.”

***

Jaehyun’s sweater is too big that the hem falls to the middle of your thighs. Your clothes are in the dryer, making rumbling noise that’s loud enough to fill the awkward silence between you. Drying your hair with a towel he gave you, you take a seat next to him, careful enough not to invade his personal space too much.

“How are you feeling?” Jaehyun asks, handing you a cup of hot chocolate.

“Warmer now, thanks.” You wrap your fingers around the mug, seeing a cloud of steam erupting from your drink. 

“It’s been a while since we last saw each other. I’m glad you look fine.” 

“I am. I feel fine. More so than I’ve ever been.” And it’s not a lie. Being here with him, despite everything that happened, makes you feel at ease. He makes you feel as if you had been embarking on a trip for so long and now you’re finally home. “Were you, umm…” Were you planning to wait for me at the library? Have you been waiting for me all this time? Or was it just a mere coincidence that we bumped into each other again?

“Were I what?”

“Never mind.” You don’t have the bravery to do it. Flushed, you quickly take a sip of your drink.

“I was about to wait for you,” he suddenly confesses, nearly making you choke. “I was… worried about you. I kept wondering whether something bad happened.” His voice gradually turns into murmurs as he continues. “And I thought... After what happened... You hated me.”

The ticking sound of the clock echoes like thunder when silence hangs in the room. “I would never hate you, Jaehyun…” You’re unconsciously rubbing the edge of your mug with your thumb, eyes fixated on the glass instead of him. “There’s no way I could hate you.”

From the corner of your eyes, you could see him turning his head to face you. “Well, you stopped visiting for three months without leaving a word. It was hard for me to stay positive,” he says, a bit teasingly, “And I had no idea how to contact you either. I didn’t know what else to do but wait in the library every day until I could see you again. So that’s what I did.”

Blood is rushing to your face. He did wait for me. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?” He chuckles and you just realized how much you missed hearing it. “You don’t need to. I’m glad we can meet again.”

“Me too.” You mirror his smile. “You know, you could’ve just looked me up online.”

“Then, why didn’t you?” He asks and your heart stops. “Why didn’t you call me?”

You have to tell him the truth, you owe him that much. “I couldn’t. The way Donghyuck looked at me when I broke up with him made me feel so guilty and I knew I would hate myself even more if I ran back to you right after.”

“Why?” Jaehyun questions in a whisper. “What did you feel guilty for?”

Your heartbeat roars so thunderously loud, you can hear it in your ears. “Because he said the reason why I broke up with him was that… I had feelings for you.”

Jaehyun stays in silence for a few seconds and it drives you insane. Eventually, he leans forward to lay his cup down on the coffee table. “So…” He hesitantly speaks. “Did you tell him he was wrong about that?”

You tighten your hold around your cup. “I…” Taking a deep breath, you confess. “I didn’t.”

And there are so many things to be said, but none of you dares to speak. The silence is deafening, its invisible arms strangling you little by little and you’re trapped, not knowing whether to ask him to respond or just run away before your heart explodes to pieces.

Jaehyun does that look again where he stares at you like you own his heart, giving you the permission to hold it or crush it however you like. “Your hair is still dripping water,” he says, reaching out to place his hands around the towel and gently dab your strands, squeezing out the excess water and he’s so close, you can truly see the color of his eyes. In the soft, yellowish light of his room, they’re a little bit darker, a stark contrast to his pale skin. You’re distracted with the way his eyes shimmer under the light, the way he breathes so softly, warm breath hitting your lips.

And you don’t know who initiate it, but for the next breath you take, you’re gasping for it against his mouth. Jaehyun’s lips move slow against yours, tentative and patient, waiting for you to react. But he doesn’t have to wait, not when you’ve been wanting to do this for so long. Not when both of you have been wishing for it to happen.

If your mind wasn’t too deluded with the thoughts of him, how he feels against your body, how he tastes on your tongue, how the low grunt and moan that escape from the back of his throat successfully send shivers down your spine, you would’ve probably thought about how different he was compared to Donghyuck. Jaehyun was so tender, cradling your figure so gently as if you were about to break into pieces if he moves too fast. His kisses aren’t as rushed and bruising as Donghyuck’s, but they’re deep and just as passionate, if not more. The effects that his lips have on your skin burn stronger than anything you’ve ever felt. And if you thought Donghyuck reminded you of the sun, Jaehyun was the blazing sun himself.

But you couldn’t think of Donghyuck. You can’t think of anything else but Jaehyun. Right now, he’s the only one that matters.

“Push me away anytime you want,” he says, eyes dark and hazy, as he circles a hand around your waist to press your body flat against his chest.

With one hand fisting his collar, you let your lips taste him once more. “I never want you to.”

Your soft gasp is muffled by the skin of his neck when Jaehyun lifts your body off the couch, and you tangle your legs around his waist for support as he carries you toward his bedroom. Despite the growing, overwhelming passion between you, he lies you down so gently on the bed, hovering above you as he paints your name at the skin below your ear. You let out a sigh, pulling him closer and closer until you can sink completely into his warmth. 

No words are being exchanged because they don’t need to. Jaehyun speaks with his eyes, expresses his feelings with his lips, and carves your body with nothing but affection and adoration with his gentle hands. It amazes you how different sex can feel when there are feelings involved. It’s a connection, not just between your body and his but your mind, your soul, and every bit of your heart.

You’re more sensitive to his touch that even the slightest slide of his finger can make you arch your back. Jaehyun swallows every gasp, every moan of his name that tumbles down your lips and you do just the same with his.

He only stops to give you the chance to catch your breath when he’s fully sheathed inside you. His fingers tremble as they caress your face. “Are you okay?” He asks, sounding breathless and hoarse. He looks even more beautiful like this, skin glistening with sweat, lips bruised and swollen by kisses, pale cheeks reddening at the feeling of you peering into his eyes.

You smile, gaze softening. “I’m fine.”

Jaehyun has never looked so content before, so relieved, so happy and it makes you feel something in your stomach—something that you haven’t felt for months—to know that you’re the reason behind his most genuine, beautiful smile. When he whispers, “You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for you to come back to me,” into your ear, you know that he’s not talking about the time you were absent from the library. His words have more weight to them as if he’s been waiting for you for years as if you once belonged to him before something separated the strings between you.

“I’m going to move, okay?” Jaehyun murmurs against your lips, and you let out a shaky breath, nodding a little.

He takes it slow, waiting for you to adjust to his rhythm as he keeps his eyes on your expression to make sure he’s not hurting you in any way. His eyes are half-lidded, cheeks flushed, lips parted in a small moan, barely audible. He splays one hand on the inner part of your thigh, fingers pressing hard against the supple skin as he pins it down to the bed, spreading your legs wider so he can press himself deeper inside you.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispers against your jawline. “So beautiful…”

You nibble at your lip, circling your arms around his shoulders, raking your nails down his back as he picks up the pace. He’s perfect, he’s so perfect at everything he does—the sway of his hips, the angle, the way he changes from giving shallow to deep thrusts in accordance to your expression, knowing exactly what you need. 

He kisses you every time you give him the chance and it makes everything a lot more intimate, makes you feel more vulnerable, makes you feel more exposed. “I’m in love with you,” he says, forehead pressing against your own. “I’ve always been… All this time…”

There’s a surge of joy washing through your entire body and it’s so intense, you find yourself hiding your face in the crook of his neck, your vision blurred with tears. How can you feel so complete when this is your first time with him?

“Jae—” You gasp, your thighs trembling as you wrap your legs around his hips, arms hugging his shoulders tighter. “Jaehyun, I’m—I’m close—”

At your words, Jaehyun untangles your arms from his body and sits on his heels. He takes a hold of your waist and slams his hips harder to yours, driving you to the edge until you’re left sobbing against the sheets. He pulls away on the last second to finish himself off, tainting your stomach as a low grunt breaks free from the back of his throat. His bangs are falling over his eyes, a bead of sweat rolling down from his chest to his lean stomach and he still looks like a painting, one that you can’t seem to stop admiring.

“Wait, don’t move,” he says as if you had the strength to do so. “I’ll clean you up.”

When he comes back from the bathroom, fully clothed in a white tee and black sweat pants, he takes care of you so attentively, dabbing warm towel along your skin, swatting the bangs out of your eyes. A gentle smile never leaves his face but he blushes whenever your eyes make eye contact, though not as apparent as the shakes on his fingertips. 

“You’re so good at this,” you tease him, propping your elbows on the bed. “Must have a lot of experience with women, I’m sure.”

“I’ve only ever been with you,” he answers and it doesn’t sound like a lie.

“What?”

His movement stops, acknowledging the appalled look on your face. “There’s… something you need to know.” He slips under the comforter, lying down on his side, and makes sure it covers your body to your shoulders to keep you warm. “That day, when we first met… It wasn’t our first time meeting each other.”

“What do you mean?” Your eyebrows are adjoined in the middle. “When did we first meet then?”

Jaehyun falls quiet, eyes searching yours. “In the same library,” he says, “Seventy-four years ago.”

***

“Where are we?” The question leaves your lips as you scan your surroundings. Jaehyun has taken you somewhere you haven’t been before, a rural area in the foothills of Jiri Mountain. After spending more than three hours drive from Seoul, seeing nothing but never-ending roads and traffic signs, it feels refreshing to see a charming little village, blanketed in a snow of white and soft pink, with the sound of water streams soothing your ears and cold wind of April caressing your cheeks.

“Hwagae,” he claims, his hand never leaving yours as he walks next to you, taking shorter strides to match your step. “People usually think that Jinhae is the best place to see cherry blossoms, but for me, it’s here.” He glances at the way your fingers are intertwined with his, smiling timidly to himself. “But maybe due to personal reasons.”

“Well, you’re not lying…” You murmur in awe, eyes widening at the sight of cherry blossoms trees that line the road, following both sides of a turquoise-blue stream, pebbles whisked about in the under wash like pieces of glitter. “It’s beautiful.”

You can hardly pay attention to anything else so when Jaehyun presses a kiss against your hairline, your heart nearly leaps out of your chest. “It is, isn’t it?” He says, pushing some loose strands behind your ear. “Beautiful.”

With his eyes locked with yours, it seems like he’s praising something else and you look away, cheeks heating up at his words. “How long does this road goes?”

“Around four kilometers.” Jaehyun follows your steps. “There are more than a thousand cherry blossom trees around. Locals call this lane the Marriage Road as it is said that lovers who walk hand-in-hand under the trees will get married and live happily ever after.”

He tightens his grips around your hand, and you can swear your palm is getting sweaty from how nervous you are. “You just can’t stop making me blush, can you?”

“I’m just stating out facts.” He chuckles and it’s even more beautiful than the whole scenery. He’s more beautiful than anything you’ve seen. But when he speaks, all trace of humor has dissipated. “You may not remember but... This was the place where I asked you to marry me.”

You have seen it coming but it still shocks you, nonetheless. It’s easier to treat him as a liar who’s telling superstitious stories and pointing things about you because he’s a stalker that knows more about you than he should. But the more he tells his stories, the more they feel like the truth and it’s not just a hunch. His stories are his versions of the dreams you’ve been having. The dreams that you’ve gotten ever since you first met him, and you never told anyone about that.

As you take a seat on the nearest bench, Jaehyun hands you his journal—the one he’s been using to write his novel. “I think it’s time for you to read the story.” But as you reach out to open it, he lays his hand on top of yours. “Before that,” he says, “Remember what I asked you? I want you to guess the ending for me.”

You’ve never thought about it, never imagined how the ending of his story would unravel. He has told you that it was about a pair of lovers meeting each other by fate and separated tragically by death, you knew that much. But anything could’ve separated them, whether it was because of sickness, accident, or simply because of old age, you could’ve guessed wrong. Yet, when your lips moved without thinking, providing answers that make your heart jolt, Jaehyun smiles and says, “Correct.” He then opens the book and gives you the chance to run your eyes through every passage. It’s written in a first-person narrative, allowing you to see through Jaehyun’s eyes as he unveils his story. 

The female lead has your name.

Every line. Every word. Every description. They feel like deja vu and the tiny hairs at your nape begin to raise. Your fingertips tremble as they move to open new pages. These are memories. They truly happened in the past. As you read, you can feel your own coming back, little by little, and by the time you’re halfway through the story, you can guess the next part that’s about to happen or correct little details that may have slipped from his mind.

“They were lilies,” you say, fingers tracing his perfect handwriting. “Not white roses.”

“What?”

“The flowers you gave me on our first anniversary.”

Jaehyun takes a shaky breath, and when he chuckles it sounds like a peal of tiny laughter and a choked sob at the same time. “Is that so?” He weakly asks, fixing his gaze to his lap. “I’m sorry, I must have forgotten.”

But he remembers everything else, everything that matters, even the way he felt back then. You could tell the love he once experienced with you through his eyes, the longing he has suffered as he waits for you to remember him once more, and the agony of being separated from you.

It’s easier to cry than to breathe when the memories of your past life start to dawn on you but you provide your best effort to stay reserved. There are more you need to learn.

The reason why he visited the library was not because he lived nearby. He moved there so he could visit the library, as it was the first time he met you in the previous life. “I was hoping she would remember the place as it was something we both grew fond of,” Jaehyun wrote in his journal, “She always thought I had a passion for books. She was wrong. She was the one who taught me that stories could mean something more. That they could make you feel alive, make you feel something you’ve never experienced just by words. I’d like to believe that these stories were the ones who brought us together, so we could create our own and maybe then, we could inspire other people—to make them feel alive with our stories.

I waited for her every day, from one season to another. The memories I have of her have always been there with me ever since I could remember, but that did not guarantee hers would resurface. Maybe she was looking for me. Maybe she was not. Either way, I couldn’t give up. I would not give up. 

And finally, one day, I saw her again. In the same library, with the same little smile she always had whenever she had her eyes fixated on her book. She appeared exactly the same as the first time I met her 74 years ago. I could not breathe, trapped between reaching out to her or just standing still in the distance, because when our eyes met for a brief second, she looked away. 

She did not remember me.

I was crushed. Devastated. I was nothing but a stranger. Twenty-five years I had been searching for her and now that she stood before me, I lost the ability to speak. It took me another week until I could find the bravery within me. I tried my best to appear as nonchalant as possible, even when my heart was breaking, even when my hands were shaking. I sank my nails into my palms so I wouldn’t take her hand and pull her into my embrace. When she told me her name, I was shocked. Her last name was different but her first name was the same, and I wanted to laugh. Fate could be so cruel, letting her keep her name but not her memories. 

But memories could be re-created, and I learned that none of her habits had changed. I might be a stranger, but to me, she was not. She was my wife and I wanted to hold her. I wanted to tell her I love her and hear her say the words back to me. I was ready to start over, to make her fall in love with me once more but before I could even begin, I learned that she had belonged to someone else.

And what killed me was that… She did not look happy with him.”

Your breathing stalls. Everything makes sense now. He’s been holding everything to himself. This was the secret he kept from you. And that time when he almost kissed you… What did you say to him?

“Please don’t pretend, not when you’re with me.”

That’s what he did. He stopped pretending. 

And you pushed him away, treating both of your feelings and his like a mere high school crush when they were something deeper than anything you’ve ever had. 

You place your lower lip between your teeth, nibbling at it until it grows white. He must have been so hurt, you realize, I’m the worst.

“Are you okay?” Jaehyun asks, reaching out to take your hand. “You don’t have to read it if you don’t want to.”

“No, I—” You shake your head, hoping the tears won’t fall. You give him a reassuring smile. “I want to. I need to remember.” Your smile doesn’t deceive him but he gives you the space you need, believing the honesty in your words.

Your marriage with him only lasted for four years before you passed away in your sleep, your weak lungs could no longer support your system, and through his story, you learned that Jaehyun followed you to the place he shouldn’t have. Because just a few minutes later after you took your final breath, he slit both of his wrists with a knife and hugged your body close to his chest, his blood drenching the white sheets underneath. His lips lingered against your hairline as he spoke, “I’ll see you again when you wake up.”

His neat handwriting starts to turn into dark splotches of ink as it is tainted by your tears. You’ve remembered. You’ve remembered everything. Everything that makes you happy and everything that hurts, you’re reliving each and every one of them. 

“Why?” You sob, shoulders quivering as you try to keep your emotions contained. “Why did you do that? You could’ve lived for many more years. Could’ve found someone else.” You bury your face in your palms, voice muffled by your skin. “You could’ve been happy without me.”

You can’t see how he looks at you, can’t feel his touch as he’s nowhere near, but you hear him take his breath. “My mother used to say,” he says, “that two people who are meant to be would always find their way to each other, even in the afterlife.” Jaehyun moves and kneels on the ground in front of you, his hands prying yours away from your face and his smile has never looked this blissful. “That’s why,” he continues, voice so soft it’s almost as light as the wind. “If there’s a chance, no matter how little it is, for me to see you again I would gladly trade my eternity for it.”

There are emotions you can’t explain, ones that you can’t understand. Emotions that make you cry as if the world was ending but also ones that make you feel so blessed to be born into this world, to be able to see him again, to witness his beautiful smile, his beautiful soul, and the beautiful love he has for you.

“Why are you crying?” Jaehyun chuckles softly but the quiver in his voice betrays him. He strokes your cheek, drying your tears with the pad of his thumb. 

Leaning into his touch, you sob against his palm, “I love you,” you confess, “I love you, Jaehyun. Even if my memories never came back, I’d still fall in love with you. Over and over again. I’m sorry you had to wait—”

Jaehyun abruptly stands on his knees, pulling you into his embrace. As your eyes widen in surprise, he buries his face in the crook of your neck, whispering, “If I had to wait a thousand years to be able to have this one moment with you, I’d gladly do it in a heartbeat.” His shoulders begin to shake and you wrap your arms around them, drenching the fabric of his shirt with your tears. “I love you too.”

There’s a voice inside your head that says, ah... so this is how it feels. 

Love... is not so complex after all. It doesn’t have to be. It’s not something to be understood. It’s not something to be thought endlessly. It’s not a choice to be made.

It’s a feeling, and feelings are meant to be felt. And you realize that happiness does not only emerge when your love is answered with the same passion. Happiness is already there in your heart just by loving him. You love him. You just love him. Entirely. Infinitely. 

So you kiss him with the biggest smile you can make, you pull him close with every strength that you have and you let him stay. In this life or another, you will let him stay.

And you will see him again when you wake up.

***

#jaehyun smut #jaehyun fluff #haechan smut #haechan fluff #jaehyun scenarios #haechan scenarios #jaehyun imagines #haechan imagines #jaehyun x reader #haechan x reader #nct imagines #nct scenarios #jaehyun timestamps #nct timestamps #nct smut #nct fluff #haechan timestamps #donghyuck smut #jaehyun drabbles #haechan drabbles #nct x reader #oh god this is the first time i'm writing a fic for jaehyun i hope i'm not ruining his characterization #and as a sunflower who wrote A LOT of haechan-centered fics it literally HURT ME to write haechan this way #haechan baby i love you you're perfect never change a thing #i'm sorry i had to ruin your character in this fic it was necessary for the plot #but you're not a jerk baby you're a doll! #esme i'm sorry if this sucks but i've tried my best and I hope you'll enjoy this just as much as I enjoyed writing this down!

[sourholland]

A Royal Convenience || Tom Holland

a royal convenience blurb - i highly suggest reading the series before reading this

a/n - this is much longer than my usual arc blurbs, it’s almost three thousand words. it’s very nostalgic, though. it’s almost like a second epilogue!

Many years had passed, the nineteenth century fading into a distant memory. As quickly as your youthful teenage years had dawned on you, they were gone just as fast. It was a bittersweet thing, watching your skin become ridden with age and stress.

Even in the years that had passed so feverishly, you could still recall the smell of fresh air as you stepped off that ship at eighteen years old. The times were changing, the people were changing. It was a progressive era, one you felt sad you wouldn’t be able to see through to the end. At the same time you were content, you had enjoyed a very disorderly youth.

In the time that passed, your children had now had their own children, some of which who had begun to have their own children. It was odd, to watch them as you and Tom once were.

“Granny?” Anne called out, Alexander’s youngest who had been named after your dearest, most loyal friend.

Anne had died shortly after the birth of your fourth child. She caught the fever, already into her older years. It was a difficult loss, terribly difficult. She had very fortunately been able to see your fourth child, Prince Leopold, take his first breath, offering his nickname. From that day on, he was called Leo.

When Alexander had named his only daughter after the woman he only remembered bits and pieces of, you wept. He knew how much you adored her, especially with all of the stories Tom had told him as he got older.

“Where’d you find that old thing?” You asked her humorously, noticing the large, very overcrowded scrapbook she was holding. “I haven’t seen that in ages.”

“I found it stowed away in some of papa’s old things,” she remarked. “I thought you might like to look through it.”

Anne was a curious thing, just sixteen and very keen to know everything and anything. She looked a lot like you as a young girl, with those eyes that Tom had passed to Alexander. Funny enough, she’d even inherited that same lopsided grin that you knew so well. It was the same one you’d been on the other end of for decades.

The scrapbook was quite familiar to you, especially being that it was so shoved full of things from when you had just been married. It was covered in a thick layer of dust, many years of neglect quite prominent in the condition.

“Of course, darling!” You smiled unwaveringly at her. “Set it down, let’s have a look.”

There was an inscription on the inside, reminding you that the book itself had been a wedding gift from Charlotte. It felt so long ago that she was just a dear friend and companion to you. She was your lady in waiting for a brief time, then she went on to marry Harrison and have two daughters.

To document many years to come and their happy memories.

Lottie

The next page caught you by surprise, only the first bit of the book and you were nearly in tears. In a grainy black font, clippings of at least five newspapers were pasted to the dull yellow page. It felt like you were being knocked into the past, hand grazing the paper gently. Smiling softly, you heard Anne chuckle from beside you.

THE PRINCE OF WALES ENGAGED TO BE WED THIS SPRING

“Were you scared?” She asked. “Auntie Maggie told me some.”

“I was absolutely mortified, if I’m being perfectly honest. I took a ship from France, for days I couldn’t keep anything down. Once I reached land, I was just happy to be able to step onto solid ground.”

Recalling the events of that day, you remembered your atrocious hair after the long journey and disheveled clothing. They’d put you in the carriage and sent you off like it was nothing, the next thing you knew, you were standing before the King and Queen of England. How bizarre times were, these days there was something called the automobile. Carriages would be out of fashion soon enough.

“Is it true, then?” Anne questioned bashfully. “I never believed that you and Grandfather could ever have hated each other.”

“Oh, you should have seen us that young and stubborn. He told me he’d never willingly marry him that day, I was furious.”

“What did you say?” She leaned forward as if it was gossip.

“I told him the feeling was mutual, of course!”

She erupted into a fit of girlish giggles, saying something about how she wished she could’ve seen it. You thought back to that moment, wishing you could tell your younger self how you would get through the hard times. How worth it, it would be.

Flipping to the next page, you could have cried with tears of joy. It was not uncommon to find pressed peonies around any space you inhabited, but this was one of the first white peony that Anne had ever threaded into your hair. It was from that first ball you’d attended, a week into your stay at Buckingham Palace.

Looking down at your lap, it was like your aged hands disappeared and you were seeing yourself from that moment. The blue gown you wore sat so nicely, the bitter taste of your situation re-emerging on your lips.

“Is there some significance of this dating?” She pointed to the small ink at the corner of the page: March, 1871

“There is,” you murmured to yourself. “It was a very significant night, when I wore these flowers in my hair. Ask your grandfather and I’m sure he’ll tell you all about how he called me childish and proud.”

Flipping to the next side, you sighed at the very tainted and tear-stained draft of a letter you’d intended to send to your mother. From what you remembered, this copy was very similar, but much less put together compared to what you actually sent. It had worn heavily with age, but some excerpts were clearly legible. Anne began to read aloud.

“‘I am writing to tell you that this wedding cannot go forth, it will be an absolute catastrophe for everyone,’” she read wearily. “‘I do not wish to marry the Prince of Wales, nor do I wish to become the Queen of England. Frankly, I would rather any other man.’”

She was skipping to see what made sense on the parchment, majority of it was unreadable and the authentic letter was long gone. Your mother had succumbed to disease many years ago. Some bit before your father died and Louis became King of France.

“‘Maman, please help me. Please tell me that it is not too late,’” she made out. “‘I cannot go on like this any longer, I will not. I love my liberty far too much to subject myself to such a fate.’”

“I was quite the fan of dramatics back then,” you laughed at the long and drawn out passages you’d written in hopes of a way home.

“Granny, it sounds like you were miserable in England,” Anne sighed, clearly taken aback. “I just don’t understand.”

And hopefully she never would, you thought to yourself.

It had been a lucky draw, yours and Tom’s situation. Love had blossomed from something more like hatred. You’d grown fond of each other, eventually building a life with each other. Many marriages forced at the hands of a monarchy were unalike.

Beside the drafted letter was a single slip of parchment, carved into it was a quote you remember so clearly from A Tale of Two Cities. The words were pushed deep into the paper, ink splattered all over it.

“Think now and then that there is a man who would give his life, to keep a life you love beside you.”

Anne did not need to know of a certain auburn haired mistress that had inspired this little art project. Nettie Bennett was a name you had not spoken aloud in decades, a name you wished terribly to forget. You did not judge Tom based on Nettie, nor had you ever planned to throw her back in his face by telling Anne.

It wasn’t that you didn’t trust your granddaughter to keep such a thing close to her chest, but the fact that you had reserved that name for the past only. Anne need not think of her grandfather any less.

This time she moved to see what bit of history was next. It was a very familiar bit of sheet music, a Chopin duet to be specific. This memory was nearly tainted by Nikolai, but you chose to look at the more positive outcomes of that night. A boy and girl at the piano, sworn to despise each other at all odds. Only they couldn’t, not in that moment.

The next few pages were little things here and there, fabric swatches and drawn up plans from when they were crafting your wedding gown. Oh how disappointed everyone was when you’d chosen white. Anne asked a million questions, she spoke so fondly of the wedding that was held long before her birth.

The next was a headline you remember gravely:

SHOTS FIRED AT PRINCE OF WALES AND BRIDE

You definitely did not miss only being referred to as his bride. It was quite a tasking thing, being engaged to the next King of England. Anne had known the story from the carriage ride through Hyde Park, Tom told it every Christmas. He usually left out the part about how you’d teased him with your engagement ring.

“What’s this?” She asked, pointing to the bit of black lace threaded into the paper.

It was from the veil you’d worn that dreadful day at the Tower of London. It was a memory you wished not to rehash, one to never be forgotten, though. It had been the first and last public execution you witnessed.

“A story for another day,” you breathed.

Next was a bit of the corset Tom had ripped apart from that ball a few days later. Even now, the memory turned your face ablaze. Shaking your head, you wished to rid yourself of the burning sensation with a chuckle.

“How about this one?” She touched the corset, looking at you curiously.

“A story for—when you’re older.”

Looking to the next page, you realized it was the first photograph in the book. A black and white moment captured between you and Tom, straight faced and clearly vexed with each other at the time. You had just had a row the day before, it was by the pond on the property if you recalled correctly.

Nicola had dragged you inside to take the photograph, your ring on display very clearly. Your dress was light, Tom was looking rather put off with you. However, this was normal for the time it was taken. Beside it though, you barely remembered this photo. White spots covered the corners, but it was slightly off guard in a way that your face was slightly blurry from moving your head and he was staring at you so intently.

“Look at you,” Anne cooed. “You looked so beautiful, you look a bit like—”

“You,” you responded coyly. “That’s where you get your good looks.”

In a small bunch, you noticed the pins all pasted to the page of the next section in the book. You had retrieved them from the library floor after Tom pulled them from your hair in a fleeting decision. They were old, little pearls at the top of the clip. It had been a long time since you’d seen them.

Anne had pointed out the photograph of you and Tom during your engagement at Windsor Castle. Sam and Harry were beside you, Paddy still very short at your left. It was taken outside, you remembered all of the equipment being put out and the man who crouched underneath the black sheet to capture it.

“Windsor was what made me really fall in love with Tom,” you smiled at the memories. “It turned out being such a nice trip.”

“It must have been so magical,” she replied with a breathy laugh.

“Well, we’d had a bit of a row about a man called Nikolai. Another story for another day.”

As if the world was mocking you, there was another small note that Tom had written up and given to you on a spare bit of parchment. That night, well Tom had made sure Nikolai left the country. It was in his once pristine and very beautiful handwriting that had now gone shaky.

I need to speak with you, meet me in my chambers just following dinner.

— Tom

There was an assortment of small things, photographs of just you, some with Sam and Harry. You found stamped lilies from your wedding bouquet, eyes watering at the sight. Anne picked up the letter you knew all too well, it was Tom’s vows to you from your wedding day.

She read silently, a smile playing on her lips and she went on. It was quite nostalgic, to see that paper after such a long time. Setting the parchment down, she had tears in her eyes.

“That’s so romantic,” she said outwardly.

It was beginning to get late, watching Anne flip through some photographs from the beginning of your marriage. She found pictures from when Alexander had been born, and then when James came along. It was much more difficult to get them to sit still after Margaret was born and they were so hyperactive.

“We opted for paintings majority of the time,” you added. “Oh look, there’s Leo’s christening. He was the first and only with any actual photo from his, all of the rest only had paintings we commissioned.”

She watched the children grow up through old photos, little things pasted to the pages. When Leo was three, you had your fifth and final child. Princess Alice sat idly on your lap in one of the photos, she looked so happy. Her face was a bit blurry from movement, but you could make out her smile. Standing at your right was Alexander, he was nearly fourteen and looked so much like Tom when you first met. Beside him was James, twelve and disdainful looking. You remembered how adamant he was to not be taking this picture.

Margaret was six, her hair at her shoulders with a bright grin playing on her lips. She had a hand on her new sisters dress, looking down at her adoringly. Leo was three, his hair was slicked down and he only wanted to run around and play. His mouth was opening to speak, you could still remember what he was saying. Margaret had stepped on his foot so he was going to shout at her.

“Maggie!” He had yelled, his kid-voice making you laugh.

Finally shutting the book, your promised Anne that you would go through it more later on. She was saddened, wanting to see more, but agreed nonetheless.

“Don’t worry,” you told her. “I’ve got plenty more stories to tell you.”

#a royal convenience #tom holland x reader #tom holland imagines #tom holland imagine #elle’s fics #tom holland #prince!tom #tom holland series #tom holland blurb #royal!tom

[bl00dgutsgl0ry]

A Childhood Promise

Pairing - Childe/Tartaglia/Ajax x Reader

Warnings - None I don’t think

Word Count - 2.5k

Other Comments - I hate posting on Tumblr I’m not gonna lie to you guys. Trying to get this shit to post has been so hard. Please I just want a crumb of recognition tumblr. Let people see my posts.

      Life used to be so simple when you were younger. You had a lovely close knit family, you went to a great school, you had great friends. All around you were a happy little kid. The best thing you will ever remember from your childhood was your best friend Ajax. Everything was so simple.

Ajax was the poster child of a “perfect kid”. He was well liked by his teachers and peers, he had superb grades, he was becoming a young prodigy in his combat class, and above all, he was your all time best friend. You two were inseparable ever since you had met when your parents had all gotten to know each other once at an event.

     No one ever really saw one of you without the other, and if they ever did come across such a sight, it would never last long. You two also almost went through the entirety of school being in the same class, and if you weren’t, Ajax would always find a way to catch you right as you were being dismissed. You two had the most innocent yet cliché childhood friendship, as you two played with each other or hung out day after day.

     “One day (y/n) I’m going to marry you! I promise!” Ajax enveloped you in a hug as the two of you giggled.

     This lasted for quite some time, that was until Ajax had turned eighteen. His combat skills had skyrocketed since his adolescent classes and competitive matches. Combat came like second nature to him, and that didn’t go by unnoticed. Very quickly Ajax got an offer for a job, one that he would never tell you details about. You remember the shock that enveloped you when Ajax excitedly spouted the good news to you.

     You didn’t know whether to be happy or sad. You wanted to be happy for your childhood friend because this was an amazing offer for him, and an incredible opportunity to keep growing. But on the other hand you wanted to be sad because you knew you would see him less and less as time went on, not only that but you were still just so uncertain about this job. Ajax never withheld information about what was going on in his life until now; what if he got himself into something awful? Nonetheless you quickly plastered a shocked and excited expression on your face, as you rambled different forms of congrats and praise for being so good. Before Ajax left to go back to his home you gave him the tightest hugged and made him promise to stay close. Ajax was floored that you valued your friendship with him so much you would make him promise something he would never give up.

     Time had passed and you noticed yourselves slowly drifting apart. It went from calling each other less, to only texting, then to texting less until you guys barely talked. You understood Ajax was busy, but it still stung seeing you what you thought would’ve been your life long friend slowly forget about you. That was until you had received something in the mail with a very familiar name on it. Ajax.

     A small black box containing what looked to be a hand made scrappily hammered ring along with a letter at the bottom landed on your desk in your bedroom, assuming one of your parents must’ve dropped it off in there. All doubts about Ajax in your mind had been eased as you delicately slid the heavy polished ring on your finger. After you did you giggled in excitement as a delicate pink blush found its way to the tops of your cheeks and ears. You had almost forgotten about the note neatly folded, awaiting to be opened and it’s contents to be discovered.

      You gently unfolded the letter, almost scared that you’d rip it. Inside was the most beautifully written borderline love letter you had ever read, it was almost like romantic poetry, and at the very end was a sentence you wanted to burn into your memory ‘remember that promise?’. Your mind was immediately flooded with all the fond memories you had with Ajax, blushing more and more as you uncovered them. By the end of your daydream session butterflies were fluttering around excitedly in your stomach. You didn’t want to be friends with Ajax anymore. You wanted to love him.

     It had been years since you last heard from him. Not a day has gone by that you haven’t worn the ring Ajax had given you so long ago. You moved away from Snezhnaya after you turned eighteen, now residing in Mondstadt whilst you were going to college; you planned to move back after getting your degree but you made some great friends and the carefree culture of the windy city really called to you. Though after one of your parents' health took a turn for the worst you had made quick plans to go visit with your family.

     It had felt like ages since you last stepped foot out into the familiar icy air, looking around to see the sheets of snow and ice covering the ground. Luckily the streets were plowed, which allowed you to maneuver through the city. Your visit has been great since setting foot in your childhood home. You were happy to be home for the time being, happy to relive the nostalgic moments of your younger days. Everything had changed so much since then. You had barely even thought about Snezhnaya or even Ajax for that matter despite wearing his ring every day, wanting to start fresh when you left for college.

      You suddenly realized you had let your head drop accidentally dozing off, jerking yourself out of melancholy memories. You decided it was probably jet lag, but it was far too early to go to sleep so coffee sounded like a good solution. You remembered an old coffee shop you used to study at whilst you were in high school, that was conveniently within walking distance to your house. With a quick five minute walk to the outdoor shops that littered the local streets you lived by, you located the coffee shop taking a minute to stare at the outside. It hadn’t changed at all.

     Smiling to yourself you walked in and politely ordered a coffee before sitting down at a high table by the window. The stand for the table had a heater built in, keeping you warm as you looked out the thin glass shielding you from the icy winds. You took in the old streets, smiling as you once again lost yourself in the nostalgia of everything. You hadn’t noticed a strikingly tall ginger walk into the shop, and you also hadn’t noticed the considerably loud gasp and call of your name. You only noticed the man's presence when he tapped on your table, causing you to jolt and promptly turn in his directly. It took you a minute to realize who you were staring at.

     “(Y/n)? What the hell are you doing here?” Ajax. There he stood, at the side of you bent over at the hips slightly so he wasn’t completely towering over you. Ajax didn’t want to see you here. He didn’t want to see you at all. You were still fresh in his mind just like you were the last day he had seen you. He missed you. His eyes fell to your hand where he saw the ring he had made and sent to you still on your finger after all these years.

     Your face was almost unrecognizable after all the time that passed, you had grown so much since then. Something unsettled Ajax about your demeanor, you were like an open book to him when you guys were younger as you wore your heart on your sleeve. Looking at you now though, there was no glimpse at the emotions you were feeling in this moment. Were you happy to see him again, since you wore his ring? Were you upset with him breaking his promise? Ajax couldn’t tell as you stared blankly at him for what seemed like ages, giving it enough time to make the air solidify and turn stale and uncomfortable. You finally shook yourself out of this trance you were in, as you suddenly stood up.

     “Wha- Hey, wait a minute (y/n)! What are you doing here?” You didn’t acknowledge Ajax’s voice, subliminally yearning to fall into his strong arms. You were upset. How dare he ask you what you’re doing here. You weren’t the one who had completely abandoned everyone in your life for some sketchy job. You grabbed your coffee before swiftly beginning to exit. Something in Ajax was different. He didn’t really take kindly to you ignoring him, as you felt a vice like grip grab onto your wrist, causing you to flinch and whip around to angrily rip your arm out of his grasp.

     “Don’t touch me Ajax! How dare you have the audacity to ask me what I’m doing here! This was my home! I didn’t abandon everyone I knew and loved on some sketchy ass whim!” Ajax stared at you. Were you joking?! Some ‘sketchy ass whim’?! You supported him when he first told you!

     “What the hell is wrong with you (y/n)?!” Your eyes narrowed as you grit your teeth, you grip on your coffee tightening. Without even thinking you threw it in his face.

     “What’s wrong with me?! You’re so fucked up Ajax! We were best friends and then you completely vanish from reality! You promised me we would stay close!” Now it was time for Ajax to grit his teeth. So you were upset with him about that.

     “(Y/n) that was years ago!! We grew up! That was just a stupid childish promise!” As soon as those words left Ajax’s mouth, he went silent as his eyes widened in horror at his on voice. The entire coffee shop was silent as they all watched your argument break out. Ajax didn’t mean to say that, he knew he had fucked up his promise with you and he hated himself for it; he just didn’t know how to explain what he was doing without scaring you off or pushing you away. Turns out he was already doing that by vanishing. He wanted you to forget about him, he knew that when he took the job to join the Fatui and serve the Tsaritsa he would never be able to give you what you deserved. A normal and happy relationship. Ajax was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard a sniff and realized you were beginning to cry.

     “Ah… So that’s what it was. Just a way to get me to get off your back. I suppose the ring served the same purpose? Whatever Ajax, you’ve changed and I don’t ever wanna see you again.” You quickly ripped the ring off before throwing it in the trash as you stormed out, trying not to audibly cry, as you had already embarrassed yourself enough in that shop. Ajax stood statuesque still. Holy shit he had made everything so much worse. He sighed before snapping out of his position to grab some napkins, to hopefully dry himself off before venturing back outside. He had to fix this.

     It had been a couple days since your argument with Ajax and you were in shambles. This could not have come at a worse time. You were just happy that this Gods awful trip was coming to an end soon. You sighed as you flipped onto your back in your childhood bedroom, trying to reminisce on the old memories you had here, but all of them had gotten tainted by Ajax. He had ruined everything for you. You regretted everything with him, with getting so close to him. Tears had started to well up in your eyes but you quickly blinked them away before they had gotten the chance to fall. You hadn’t noticed before, but there was this weird tapping sound coming from your window; which caused you to anxiously investigate. You pulled your curtains back to be greeted with Ajax, who looked at you sheepishly. You blankly stared at him for a moment before closing the curtains and going back to lay on your bed, trying your hardest to ignore Ajax’s protests and calls of your name. After a while everything had gone silent, until your door opened and Ajax emerged one again.

     “Uh… I’m sorry about coming into your room uninvited but one of your parents called me inside and said I could just come in. In hindsight I probably should’ve knocked before coming in and-”

     “What the hell do you want Ajax.” You cut off the young man's babbling without looking at him, you were on your side laying down on your bed with your back facing him.

     “I wanted to make everything up to you. I want to explain everything and I want to tell you about my job finally.” Ajax was hopeful that you would allow him the opportunity to explain himself.

     “No. Now get out of my house.” Ajax’s heart sunk. No… No no no you had to let him explain himself, he needed to explain. He needed you.

     “Please (y/n) I know you don’t owe me anything, not even your time, but please I owe you this.” You sighed, before slowly sitting up and facing him finally. You stared at him for a moment before speaking.

     “Fine. But you have two minutes, so you better speak quickly.” Ajax’s heart fluttered. He spent those two minutes exactly, explaining everything that happened. You were silent for the most part, staring at your hand and you fiddled with your fingers. Ajax waited anxiously for your response. When you didn’t give him anything he took this as a sign to move onto faze two of his apology. For the last couple of days he had been running all over Snezhnaya spending preposterous amounts of mora. He had presented you with flowers and food; but above all he presented you with a ring.

     “That is one promise that I am going to keep true. Please (y/n) forgive me and make me the happiest man in the world and marry me.” You stared at him with large eyes and Ajax took a hold of one of your hands and gently slid the beautiful ring onto your ring finger. Tears once again began to well up in your eyes, and suddenly your arms were wrapped around his torso as you cried into his chest. You missed this. He still felt the same way he did when you hugged him last, he even smelled the same.

     “Is that… A yes?” You nodded furiously, face still buried deep in his chest. You were willing to forgive him, but above all, you were willing to love him again.

#genshin #genshin impact #genshin imagine #genshin x reader #genshin impact imagine #genshin impact x reader #genshin childe #genshin impact childe #genshin tartaglia #genshin imapct tartaglia #genshin ajax #genshin impact ajax #childe #childe x reader #childe imagine #tartaglia #tartaglia x reader #tartaglia imagine #ajax #ajax x reader #ajax imagine

[northwestofinsanity]

Trying something by request on my Supertramp post...

The "In the Beginning" story Soundtrack:

Three things before I get to it: -Honestly, in a month or so from now, I could randomly hear a song I don't have here and think it would fit perfectly, but this list includes songs I have always considered soundtrack since I wrote it, or for at least half a year at this time. -Yes, I'll consider doing this for other stories. This one is just easy to experiment with it here, because it's already been completed for some time, and it's not as emotionally complicated as some. -Sometimes I'll be heavily inspired by songs of the actual bands involved, but sometimes, I'll be inspired by bands with little to no relation. Winger doesn't exist in the timeline of this story, so none of their songs are involved, and surprisingly, none of Alice's songs are, either. 1) "Nervous" by The Moody Blues. This actually goes for most of my Winger stories where Reb is a main protagonist. In fact, as unlikely as it seems to anyone who didn't grow up on The Moodies, the first chapter got its title from this song. It very much applies in cases where Reb and Kip are apart in the late 90s, or in this case, have yet to form a bond, and Reb is losing riffs and struggling to find his way on his own. 2) "A Man I'll Never Be" Boston. Implied, and to a lesser extent to other songs on this list. I apply this song to a lot of characters who have a struggle living up to the expectations of someone in their life. In the first half of the second chapter, it's definitely a thing for Reb with his conversation with his father -but I'd say it applies far less to Reb than other rock stars I've portrayed with it, like Steve Clark. 3) "Bloody Well Right" by Supertramp. Goes a lot for the end of the second chapter, and the entirety of the third. Kip and Reb haven't figured each other out yet, they had a verbal clash, and they're both off in their own pissy moods trying to figure out what comes next. (Reb is frustrated that he has all these problems despite having been a star student in music school, and that nothing Kip has suggested is helpful to him so far. Feeling defensive, he indeed wants Kip to "shut his face", and while Kip doesn't want to talk bad of Reb, he's "bloody got a right" to complain to Alice about what just happened.) 4) "From the Beginning" -Dokken version (originally by ELP; choosing the Dokken version because A: slower and more pensive feeling, B: the connections Winger and Dokken have). This song was in my head when I came up with the main title of the story. I think it goes best with Chapter 4, which is the heart of the story plot, as it's where Kip and Reb really begin to work out their misunderstandings. Nobody meant to be unkind even if they came off that way. Kip wasn't blind to Reb's troubles as Reb first perceived him. They've both said some things they regret, and it's probably going to keep them up the night after their talk, but they can't take it back now, so it all falls to their ability to forgive and move on, and it so happens that they will, because they were "meant to be here", as all the lyrics suggest. 5) "Don't Look Back" by Boston. This song may be one of my crutches for optimistic scenes, but the breakthrough in the fifth chapter. The dawn is arriving on a solution to the problems here, and neither Kip, nor Reb want to go back to where they were before they sorted out their initial differences. 6) "Souvenirs" by Dan Fogelberg. Okay, *hear me out*, because at first listen, this is gonna be the hardest to justify, when it's not one of Dan's deep-cuts that proved he could rock out when he wanted to... and because it's slow and soft, it might not be what the average metal-head is used to hearing. We have lyrics about random-found trinkets the protagonist remembers parts of life -old places and people by. The slow instrumental behind everything, from the time I listened to this song first at the age of six -before I could even comprehend these lyrics -has always given the vibe of looking at black-and-white photo montages of old, written letters (or maybe this was my mind connecting the song to the

Civil War documentaries my dad always had on back around that time, but I digress). It makes a sleepy, nostalgic feeling to the whole thing. Then, in Chapter 6, Reb gets the letter from Kip with the track recorder -which is not only a souvenir in its own right, but something to also help Reb remember his riffs in Kip's absence. As the chorus of this song suggests, this is a pretty emotional event -and Dan's music can be pretty deep (someone who's never heard of him before tell me if growing up on his music is why I have this instinctive need to write angst!) Reb goes to sleep with this track recorder beneath his pillow and feels more relaxed than he has in some time, and the tune itself fits the chapter's end in the piano through the second half, and the gentle, vocal harmonies on the fadeout. 7) "Telephone Line" by ELO. By the seventh chapter, Kip's on the road getting his first taste of heavy-touring life, and while he and Reb are pretty good at planning up calls, it is a challenge, and it's a bit of a downer that their breaks aren't lining up so that they can see each other. Reb's also getting more frustrated, still being stuck in the loop of barely managing to live on session-work. 8) "Get Me Out Of Here" by John Lodge. (This was a new song when I wrote this in 2017. It's a solo-album track from the same member of The Moodies who sang "Nervous"!) Most of the eighth chapter goes without a soundtrack, as it's me spewing my nerdy-jargon from all the medical courses I've taken, and the first half is just utter chaos. As Kip's coming around in the hospital -and past dealing with the worst of the post-anesthesia symptoms, he's getting stir crazy to get out and find out what comes next. Meanwhile, trapped back at his apartment, Reb is verging on a nervous breakdown, getting nowhere with his efforts of finding new sessions and unable to reach Kip while not knowing why. (Waiting to be contacted after a working interview for my job last year after being trapped in my house, I found new appreciation for both this chapter, and this song). -I do not have an official song for the last chapter. It's honestly very open-ended, so it's hard to fit any one song to it. I can say, "Don't Look Back" could be a reprise here as Kip and Reb are set to go on to form Winger... I've also always liked the short, instrumental by Boston "A New World" that could capture all the anticipation in thirty seconds with no words... and at the time of writing it, I had "Big Talk" by Warrant stuck in my head. It doesn't really fit in what it's about, but Reb and Kip did indeed end up "backing it up" in terms of saying they'd have their own projects someday. Reader's choice on that call.

#Writing #fiction soundtracks #rockfic

[robertsbarbie]

hiiii eris!! i totally get what you mean about favorite songs. idk much about music or production tbh lol but personally i love when a song matches what the lyrics say, both literally (like when the singer says “stop” and the music cuts for a beat LOVE THAT never gets old), and in a more abstract sense, like when music is really evocative of its subject? does that make sense lol? like rhetoric but for music. imagery but for music. that probably made even less sense lmao. so anyway. all this to say i would love if you talked about your favorite songs. (also!! songs + starstruck/ some other movie or character you may feel strongly about associating music with. blatantly mining for gift ideas here.) also i loved your answer to the characters question! love reading what you have to say. also since youre a descendants fan!! what’s your favorite descendants movie? is there something you wanted from the series that they never explored?

yes that makes perfect sense! like i don’t know anything about music objectively but i love the little details people incorporate and the utter feelings behind most of it, like i don’t even know how to describe it but yes the imagery in music is what really makes it. also people screaming during the ‘stop’ in dress during rep tour is my villain (by maisie peters) origin story.

here’s a couple of my favorite character playlists, i haven’t transferred them all to spotify so i apologize, i’ll probably do that in the next day or two to make existence easier but.

Christopher Wilde, Hope Mikaelson (she’s not disney i just love her), Jessica Olson, Tony Stark (this one needs to be updated desperately), Julie + Luke from jatp (the age difference is still really fucking weird but i need playlist excuses), emotional support bisexuals from she ra, this one isn’t finished but j think christopher wilde could have written these, and i definitely started a playlist for ariel and eric i just don’t know where is is :(

and some of my fav songs right/ in general (also warning i definitely have a type and it’s sad love songs)(this ended up being so much longer than i expected…):

WYD Now? by Sadie Jean (just god so nostalgic and such an exact feeling of the person you used to know, used to love. like god i cant!!), Shark in the Water by VV Brown (BRO THIS SONG IS SO GOOD LITERALLY I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS IT), Thoughts on You by the band CAMINO (any song by them really, again the whole devastation of loving and losing and just the rise and fall of it all and still holding thoughts of them in your head specifically “what if you were the one for me, i hope you weren’t the one for me”), Forever by CHVRCHES (this fucking song i swear to god, they really said ‘sometimes we say things we don’t mean and they’re the things that last’ and that drives me insane! certifiably!), Block Your Number by Maude Latour (it has similar elements to lorde’s earlier work but really is such a strong piece of work that encapsulates love in the modern age and would highly recommend the rest of her songs as well), Villain by Maisie Peters (she said sometimes as difficult as it is things are our fault and well drive ourself crazy trying to justify the mistreatment of others), Be Here by Parachute (favorite song of all time, it’s just a constant reassurance that even if all the signs are telling you no there’s someoen out there that wants you to be here and exist), ‘Til I Forget About You by Big Time Rush (i unironically love all of their music but i think of this one daily)(also i’m just gonna start listening some), scary part of me by sody, get it your way by the band camino, love myself by olivia o’brien, who you are by loote, losing by h.e.r., what we had by sody, run out of you by tenille arts, never was by REAVES, should i get my ears pierced by remy, but also here’s a link to a playlist filled with my favorite lyrics on spotify (i also have an apple music version here)

#gcwca secret santa #ask: gcwca secret santa #i’m so sorry this is so much

[lulu-zodiac]

Peppermint

Summary: Dean shares a Christmas tradition with Cas.

My second piece for @galaxycastiel and @jellydeans Destiel December 2020 challenge, written for day 7′s prompt: “Peppermint”. I had so much fun writing this, and would love to know any thoughts on it as I’m still quite nervous about posting! <3 (Also, if you want to be added to my tag list for fics, pls let me know! If you prefer to read on ao3, you can find it here)

There’s a little red tin in the glove compartment of the impala, and when Cas picks it up, he can feel the way it’s scratched and dented with age.

“What’s this?”

Dean glances over, and something unreadable passes across his face. It reminds Cas of how he looks when Sam talks about their childhood, nostalgic and complicated – not happiness, but something close. “Where’d you find that?”

“It was just in here with your Dad’s old phone, under the map,” Cas replies, turning it over interestedly in his hands. There’s a faded image on the front he can’t quite make out, worn green and silver and gold. The colours of Dean’s eyes, as he looks at Cas in the half-light of the unfolding road. “What is it?”

“It used to have peppermints in it,” Dean says, looking back to the road. There’s a wistful kind of sadness in his gaze, but a slight smile playing across his mouth. “Sammy begged Dad to buy it at some gas station when he was, I don’t know, maybe four. He didn’t even like peppermints, he just liked the Christmas tree on the front of the tin, wouldn’t shut up about it. It was filled with those red and white striped candy canes, you know the ones?”

Cas nods, watches the moving December colours play across Dean’s features.

“Well, that year we were stuck in here all Christmas day while Dad was wrapping up a hunt. Sammy was old enough to know it was Christmas, so it kind of sucked. But I got Sammy singing Christmas songs and we drew stupid snowmen cartoons on the windows, and it was okay, we passed the time. Dad was gone so long we ended up eating most of the candy canes while we were waiting, but Sammy insisted on saving the last one for Dad. He still hero-worshipped Dad at that point, even though Dad was barely a father to him – was barely even there, to see Sammy growing up” Dean breaks off momentarily, shakes his head like he’s trying to surface from deep water. Cas notes the set of Dean’s jaw, the way his knuckles are white around the wheel, resists the urge to reach out, soften them.

“Sam knows how much you did now, Dean,” he says, instead, into the quiet.  

Dean makes a dismissive sound, carries on as though Cas hasn’t spoken at all, but the tension in his hands is less strained; “Anyway, when Dad finally came back that night he was only a little beat up, in a good mood for once. He tried to take us for some real food, but everywhere was closed by that time so we just sat in here together and Dad broke the last candy cane into three for us to share,” Dean glances at the box Cas is still holding. It feels warm in Cas’s hands now, the mental heating up in his palms as he listens to the story, as though it’s slowly coming alive. “It was one of the better Christmases, actually. Dad refilled the box with them each December, handed them out to me and Sammy when we’d been driving all night. It was one of the few traditions we ever had,” he shrugs, adjusts his grip self-consciously on the wheel, “Stupid, really,” he adds, in that way he has of diminishing anything personal he says, “It’s probably empty now.”

Obligingly, Cas opens the box. It is empty, save a couple of crumpled silver wrappers, but it smells of ghostly peppermint. Cas sniffs, imagines little Dean and Sam sitting in the impala alone on Christmas day. His chest aches at the thought of Dean trying to distract Sam, keep him happy and amused while Dean was probably afraid. “I’ve never tried peppermint,” he tells Dean, inhaling again and trying to figure out the scent. It’s sharp, clean, a little powdery. Like dusty snow. “What’s it like?” he asks, curiously.

“Hard to describe to anyone who hasn’t tasted it,” Dean says, “Like most things. It’s – sweet. Kind of makes the inside of your mouth feel cold when you inhale.”

Cas looks at him, watches the lights of the road reflect in his green gaze.

“Hey, we can get some, if you want,” Dean says, nodding towards the road, “There’s a gas station just up ahead, I wouldn’t mind stopping to stretch my legs anyway.”

“I would like that,” Cas smiles at the thought of getting to taste a little piece of Dean’s history, watches as the lights get brighter and the car slows, pulling into the empty gas station.

Outside, it’s cold, the dark biting at Cas’s skin as he waits for Dean to return from the kiosk. He leans against the cool, smooth metal of the impala, stares skywards for a while. It’s cloudy, the sky is swollen with snow. Cas likes not being able to see the heavens, sometimes. On days like this, earth is full enough of wonder all by itself. The greasy spill of gas station lights on frozen concrete, a little metal box of memories in his pocket, Dean’s footsteps echoing through the quiet towards him. The lights of heaven could never compare.

“Here,” Dean’s nose is pink from the cold, eyes bright as he leans back against the car beside Cas, hands him a paper packet. “Peppermint candy canes. Go on, knock yourself out.” He sticks his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket and stares up at the sky, like Cas had been moments before. Cas wonders whether Dean is comforted by the blankness too, or if he aches for the far-distant twinkling lights and their warmth, so long absent from his own life.

“Will you have one too?” Cas asks, peering into the bag and tentatively drawing out one of the striped candies before handing it back to Dean.

“Why not?” Dean’s fingers are warm against Cas’s for a moment, rough with calluses, and then there’s nothing again. He pulls out a candy and stuffs the paper bag into his pocket, begins unwrapping the little umbrella-shaped stick. “I can’t remember the last time I had one of these, you know. Probably the Christmas before Sam went off to college.” He puts the candy between his lips, sucks. Cas suddenly has to catch his breath, cold and startling in his lungs. “Hey, what are you waiting for?” Dean is looking at Cas, lips red and plump around the candy, eyes bright in the cold air.

“Oh,” Cas looks down at his own untouched candy, brings it up to his mouth and sucks experimentally. “It’s like… toothpaste,” he frowns at Dean, letting the cool, clean taste fill his mouth. He sucks again, slower, trying to get a sense of the flavour. “It’s quite nice.”

Dean’s cheeks are pink with the cold now too. “Uh – yeah, it is, I guess.” He’s looking at Cas intently in the muted lights of the deserted gas station, with an expression that is familiar yet unreadable and makes Cas feel warm even in the cold.

“This is what Christmas tasted like to you?” Cas sucks the candy again, looks at Dean.

“Once, I suppose so,” Dean sounds distracted, but his tone doesn’t match the intent focus in his gaze as he looks at Cas. The cold has made his cheeks flush darker still, and the light is muted enough that only an arc of green is visible around the black of his pupils.

“It does make my mouth feel cold,” Cas observes, with interest. He sucks the candy further into his mouth and pulls it out with a pop, feeling the cool cleanness of the air being pulled between his lips. Dean clears his throat slightly. “I haven’t encountered any other food that has this effect,” Cas licks slowly at the tip of the candy, and is aware of Dean inhaling sharply, “Do you know what causes it?”

“I don’t,” Dean’s voice is slightly hoarser than usual.

“Very interesting,” Cas contemplates, licking the tip of the candy again with a swirl of his tongue. Dean makes a stifled sound, and Cas looks up with a frown. “Don’t you want yours?” he asks, eyeing Dean’s uneaten candy, “Or do you only enjoy them when you can eat them with Sam? I’m sorry, I know I can’t provide that part of the tradition for you.”

“Sam isn’t the only person I can have good memories with, Cas. This can be a new tradition, okay?” Dean says, and he’s glowing, so beautiful here in the cold all lit up. “But,” he pauses, swallowing, “You’re right, I’m not sure I want mine.”

“You don’t?” Cas frowns, worriedly. He pulls his own candy away from his mouth.

The colour is high on Dean’s cheeks as he shakes his head, “No. I think I’d rather have yours, actually.” And before Cas can say anything, Dean’s lips are suddenly on his, soft and warm, so warm in the cold air. Cas feels as though he’s been holding his breath for years and is suddenly able to breathe. It’s wonderful, the heat of Dean’s mouth against his, the slick of his tongue twining with Cas’s, tasting of peppermint and making something hot curl deep in Cas’s stomach. His hands are cupping Cas’s face, rough skin, tender touch. Cas is breathing hard when Dean pulls back, both of their breath clouding the December air between them. “Tastes better on you,” Dean grins, and it’s a beautiful thing, tentative and free here in the cold without heaven watching.

Cas reaches out and grabs the lapels of Dean’s leather jacket, pulls him in again. This time it’s harder, urgent, Dean’s breath coming in stifled gasps into Cas’s mouth as Cas presses him back against the impala, sinks into the heat of Dean’s mouth, the warm, hard line of Dean’s body, pliant under him. He can taste the desperation on Dean’s tongue along with the peppermint, and he chases it, deepening the kiss until Dean is groaning against him, clutching at Cas’s coat. Cas thinks he might be making noises too, but he can’t think about anything except Dean, here at last in all the ways he should be, warm and real. Oblivion.

In his coat pocket, he can feel the outline of the little peppermint tin where their heartbeats edge closer to each other. He smiles against Dean’s mouth, loves that he’ll never be able to taste peppermint without remembering this; the shine of Dean’s eyes in the muted December lights, the heat of their bodies pressed together, the sky frozen and empty overhead, a blank canvas for their own stars.

#destiel december 2020 #destiel #destiel fanfic #destiel fic #deancas #dean winchester #castiel #supernatural #spn #spn fanfic #spn family #spn fandom #destiel fanfiction

[carriagelamp]

Book Review - Summer Summary 2020

I didn’t get around to doing an individual post for the books I read in June/July/August, so I decided to choose a dozen that I read over the summer... I’d separate the wheat from the chaff for you so to speak. Though like you’re about to find out, that doesn’t necessarily mean they were all good by any means...

Crave

My girlfriend got this for me to “tide me over until Midnight Sun”. Between you and me, I think she was taking the piss. Anyway, Crave is very... standard fare paranormal YA school romance with the added flare of being written by an adult erotica writer, meaning the rhythm and tone of this novel is fucking bonkers. If you want to read the novel without reading the novel, just take Twilight and the entire Vampire Academy series, shove them in a blend, and force down the sludge you get from that. Normal Average Girl Goes To Secret School In Alaska For Vampire, Werewolves and Dragons. That’s this book. It is so big and so so so bad. I finished it out of spite, please don’t do that to yourself. Unless you are really craving (hurr hurr) some top tier trashy paranormal romance, in which case... no judgment.

The Last Firehawk

The Last Firehawk is a Scholastic “Branches” series, written for beginning readers (grade 1-3ish, depending on the child’s reading level). It has short stories, big text, and awesome pictures on every page. Guys. I unironically am adoring this series. It’s simple and is introducing children to a number of classic elements in the fantasy quest genre, but it is so charming. Friends Tag and Skyla discover a firehawk egg, and species that is supposed to have disappeared long ago. When Blaze hatches from it, the three are tasked with going out and finding the magical ember stone which was hidden long ago by the firehawks and which could be used to defeat the evil vulture Thorn and his dark magic... I read the first two books to second graders who ate it up and read the next four books because I personally wanted to continue the series. If you have young readers in your life (or just want a fun kid adventure) then please try these they’re the literary equivalent of nibbling on a chocolate chip cookie.

Lupin III: World’s Most Wanted #3

All the kind people that still follow my tumblr and haven’t tried to murder me because of my Lupin obsession are not going to be surprised by this one. I finally read one of the manga for this series and honestly I’m delighted. Somehow even hornier than the show, but hilariously funny. I felt like I was reading a more adult version of Spy Vs Spy. It’s a bunch of short, individual bits/adventures with lots of visual gags and an artstyle that is really different and delightful.

River of Teeth / Taste of Marrow (American Hippo series)

I’ve talked about River of Teeth before, but I finally finished the American Hippo duology and need to sing its praise. This is an alternate history series composed of two novellas that explore the question What would have happened if the States had decided to import hippos as livestock...? Anyways, my pitch for you: queer hippo cowboys. That’s all it took for me to read it. You have a gay gunslinger who loves his hippo to death, a nonbinary explosives-expert / poisoner who is the main love interest, a fat con artist who spoils her hippo and is the only voice of reason in this entire series, and a latina mother-to-be who is the scariest assassin in the entire series and is obviously scheming. The four of them are brought together on a job to deal with the Mississippi’s feral hippo problem.

IT’S A QUEER HIPPO COWBOY HEIST NOVEL GUYS I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M STILL TALKING AND YOU HAVEN’T JUST GONE TO READ THIS YET.

Petals to the Metal (The Adventure Zone series)

The graphic novel adaptation to the McElroy family’s DND podcast The Adventure Zone. Most of you are probably aware of this? It’s a great adaptation, it hits all the important beats, shows off the characters really well, and still gets lots of good gags in even while condensing entire arcs into single book stories. This one is probably my favourite so far just because Petals to the Metal was one of my favourite arcs in the show... but you can also see how the art has improved and the chaos of the race is fun to see drawn out.

If you like The Adventure Zone but haven’t tried the graphic novels yet -- would recommend! If you’ve always wanted to listen to The Adventure Zone but don’t have time for such a long series or struggle to focus on podcasts then pick up the first book of this series (Here There Be Gerblins) and try reading it! It really is an enjoyable adaptation.

Pony to the Rescue (Pony Pals series)

I continued my April/May theme of reading old-school chapter book series to combat Covid Brain Fry, so I picked up a few Pony Pals books. I read these as a kid and always enjoy them -- there’s just something so appealing to a child about having a horse. It gives your child characters a level of independence and ability to explore that you wouldn’t get otherwise. These books definitely read young, but they were nostalgic to revisit.

Small Spaces

A really cool middle grade horror novel I picked up. Maybe it’s because I live around a lot of corn fields, but farm/scarecrow themed horror absolutely does it for me. One evening, after seeing a woman try to destroy a strange, old book, eleven year old Ollie doesn’t stop to think, instead stealing the book and running. That’s how she becomes wrapped up in the strange, sinister story of a cursed family and creature called the Smiling Man that seems to live out in the foggy fields. While unsettling, Ollie tries to remind herself that it’s just a story... but this becomes more challenging when her school bus breaks down one day out their own set of fields, and a fog is rolling in...

“Avoid large spaces. Stick to small.”

Snot Girl #1 - #2

A Canadian graphic novel series by the creator of the Scott Pilgrim series! I love his work so I decided to give Snotgirl a try, even though it’s not generally my genre. I’m glad I did! First book took a while for me to get into, but by the time I hit the second I was really wrapped up in the mystery and character development. Snotgirl is about Lottie, a self-consumed fashion blogger whose biggest struggles are dealing with her allergies, frustration with her fellow-blogger friends, and how entirely her self-esteem is tied to her “beauty” and how people view her. But everything shifts in strange and horrifying ways when Lottie starts taking a new allergy medication, meets a new friend... and then witnesses that girl’s death. Or does she?

Seriously, or does she? I have no idea, I need to read the third book. This book is full of intrigue, complicated relationships, murder (or not?), and a healthy dose of magical realism to keep you guessing. If you like slice-of-life, crime, and abstract reality then this series is world a try. Plus the art is gorgeous.

Summer Wars #1 - #2

I recently rewatched Summer Wars (still one of my favourite movies) and decided to read the two-book manga adaptation. It was a really neat little adaptation. The creator of the movie gave the writer free range to tweak things to fit better in a manga format, which means some movie elements were allowed to fade into the background, whereas other aspects were fulled into the forefront and fleshed out to a greater degree. It was very cool, it kept the same story but gave you new things to think about which I wasn’t expecting. Reading this as a stand alone works just fine, but honestly if you’ve never watched the movie Summer Wars you should give it a try! It’s a great mix of slice-of-life, sprawling family dynamics that I relate to a little too well, cyber adventures, and fantasy. Super feel good.

This One Summer

Okay, last graphic novel, I swear. This One Summer was... weird and intense. It’s a coming-of-age Canadian graphic novel that follows a pair of pre-teens who meet up like they do every year at their family’s summer cottages. You see them both in the awkward phases between childhood and growing up to become teenagers, as they’re confronted with things like maturity, friendship, self-esteem, family problems, and sexuality. A beautiful read, but probably the heaviest out of all the books on my list.

Wild Thornberrys Novelization

I rewatched The Wild Thornberrys movie with my girlfriend earlier this year, and decided I wanted to hunt down the chapter book novelization because I’m kind of a sucker for novelizations. Honestly, this was about what you would expect from the era. 90s/00s novelizations, especially young novelizations, are generally just a transcript of the movie without much thought or effort put into them to make them anything but. That’s what this was. It was fine, and it really let me revisualize the entire movie, but honestly you’re probably better off just rewatching the movie unless you also really deeply love The Wild Thornberrys.

The Willoughbys

I saw that Netflix had done a funky looking adaptation of The Willoughbys and I decided I needed to read the book first before watching the movie. This was a little bizarre, I’m still not sure how I feel about it. Over all, I think it was a net-positive experience. It’s an obvious satire on classic children’s novels, especially the likes of Mary Poppins (real Mary Poppins, not the Disney version) and while a little heavy-handed, it does a Series of Unfortunate Events vibe that redeems it. The story is about a group of horrible children (The Ruthless Willoughbys) who decide they are sick of their parents and would rather become Worth Orphans... and to do that, they’re going to have to dispose of their inconvenient parents, obviously. Conveniently their parents are also sick of having children and decide to do away with them as well. The Willoughbys sets up three (or four?) different subplots that are gradually woven together through a series of schemes and exploits. It’s definitely more ruthless (hurr hurr) than the Netflix version, which tried to make the children more sympathetic, and in some ways I think that’s a definite point in the novel’s favour. I’m not sure I would go out of my way to recommend it, but it was a fun romp if you want something short and off the wall (and a lot more fleshed out than the Netflix version).

#book review #book reviews #the willoughbys #the wild thornberrys #lupin iii #scott pilgrim #snotgirl #bryan lee o'malley #this one summer #small spaces #pony pals #crave #the last firehawk #river of teeth #taste of marrow #american hippo #summer wars #petals to the metal #taz #novels #manga #graphic novels #children literature #kid lit #chatter

[weebtarurights]

Banri Settsu SR (Wink Postman) - Part 2

Part1 || Part 2

(T/N: Hello everyone~ Sorry for suuuuper late update >////< I’m currently taking care of important family matters. Won’t be around for the mean time but I will come back to respond to messages and upload more backstage when everything’s finally settled in place.. 

 Thank you for understanding~! Please enjoy reading^^) 

Story Title: "To My Future Self"

Banri: (This outfit's quite decent... Glad I listened to Yuki's advice.) Classmate A: Are you Settsu? Classmate B: Long time no see~! Banri: Yeah, uhh, who're you again? Classmate B: Eh, you don't remember us? Banri: Haha, juz' kidding. Classmate C: What have you been up to? Banri: I'm acting on the stage while attending university. Classmate A: Heh, that's cool! Classmate C: I want to watch your plays! When's your next performance? Banri: Sure, buy a ticket then. Classmate B: Actors do get a lot of roles, right? Are you doing stuff like role study or something? Banri: Somethin' like that. Classmate B: You're really good at anything. There's no way I can do what you do. Classmate A: Settsu can do anything. Classmate B: It has always been like that even when we're still kids. Banri: That doesn't really matter now. Classmate C: Speaking of, I heard our homeroom teacher is coming today. Banri: Heh-. Classmate A: We've grown old enough to even drink with our teacher, huh. Banri: It's all part of growin' up.

Banri: ....Sigh (Man, I'm pooped talkin' to people around ) Homeroom Teacher: Banri-kun, long time no see! Banri: Ah, long time no see. Homeroom Teacher: I heard you're part of a theater group now? You've grown up well. Banri: It's thanks to you too. Didn't expect they'd invite a teacher too. Homeroom Teacher: Eh? Perhaps, no one informed you?  Our main event for today is---

----

Izumi: (I wonder if it's better to position them further up. This place needs more lighting too....) ....Fuah. Banri: Oh, director-chan.

Izumi: Banri-kun, welcome home. Did you enjoy your class reunion? Banri: Ah--...Well, It's better than I thought. It's tiring cuz you gotta talk to people non stop but it's kinda nostalgic. Overall, It's pretty interesting. Izumi: Glad to hear that. (....Huh?) Banri-kun.... Is that a letter? Banri: Ah, this? It's a letter addressed to my future self. Got it from my former homeroom teacher at the reunion. Izumi: Heh-! How wonderful! Banri: I don't remember a single thing I wrote though. Haven't checked it yet. Director-chan, wanna read it with me? Izumi: Eh? Is it okay? Banri: Aren't you curious what kind of brat I am? I thought I'd let you know. Izumi: Then...I'll take you up on your offer. Banri: 'right. I'll open it. " To My Future Self, Did you finally become a prime minister? " Izumi: Prime minister !? (His dream is unexpectedly grand...!) Banri: At that time, I didn't have a dream, and I dunno what I wanted to be. I thought I'd be on the top if I become a prime minister so I made it my dream. Izumi: Ahahah! That's cute! Banri: "I'm good at studying and no one beats me in a fight. I'm simply the best at school. That's why someday, I will be very rich and take a walk down the elite course. It will be easy for me to do anything!" Izumi: You're brimming with confidence! Banri: ... Juz' one hell of a cheeky brat. Never thought I'd be joining a theater company while attending university. I didn't become as great as I thought I would be but I'm glad I found something I can be passionate with. Izumi: ( I can say from his expression that he's really happy right now. I'm glad Banri-kun joined the theater company too.) Banri-kun has mellowed out lately~ Banri: What the hell do you mean by that? Izumi:  Ahaha, it's a joke. Eh? There's something else written down below. Banri: Hm? Ah... This? "Have you married yet? If you haven't, hurry up and find a good partner right away." ...The hell is this. Izumi: You're way too ahead~ Banri: No way I'll ever think of gettin' married at this age. ....But yeah, It's gonna be a different story if my partner is someone like director-chan. Izumi: Hn? What did you say? Banri: Nah, didn't say anythin'.

NOTES: 

1) Walking the elite course/ track means to be destined for higher things or success.

#a3 #a3! translation #a3 translations tumblr #a3! banri #banri settsu #settsu banri #Banri Settsu backstage #a3! backstage #Wink postman

[meggie-stardust]

Tagged by the always lovely @myletternevercame. Thanks babe < 3

how many works do you have on AO3? 57

what’s your total ao3 word count? 18,2645 (dang!)

what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Acts of Man | Merlin | Merlin/Arthur

Nightmares | PJO | Jason/Percy

Looking for the Things We Lost | Teen Wolf | Peter/Stiles

Here I Am (Stuck in the Middle With You) | PJO | Jason/Percy

The Legend is True | Teen Wolf | Peter/Stiles

do you respond to comments, why or why not? I try to as often as I can. When I first post something and I get an influx of comments, I try to do it once a day. But when I get random comments on old stuff, I often forget to go back and reply, but I read every single one, and I do try to remember to write back.

what’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending? Oh man. Most of my fics happy endings... But the happiest?? Probably Acts of Man, since it's a Christmas fic and it has this kind of storybook coda on the end of it.

what’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? Hmm. My older fics tended to be a little more angsty and open ended... probably this old Sterek fic Those Who Hunt Us or this Isaac Lahey study Bygone

do you write crossovers? Not much anymore, but I did a cool 3 sentence fic challenge back in 2014 and each prompt (from tumblr folks at the time) were things like MJN air + Supernatural or Sherlock and John work at Mooby's. I also have a soft spot for this Sherlock/Cowboy Bebop xover cleverly called 221Bebop: Honky Tonk Woman. And of course, there is the abandoned HP/Sherlock crossover bestie and I started and will never finish, so IDK why I even bring it up. Actually come to think of it, I also had the Sherlock Monstrumologist one... I just wrote a lot of Sherlock xover fic back in the day, huh.

have you ever received hate on a fic? Not on AO3 comments. I haven't gotten some odd reviews/comments, but I have been very fortunate to have not experienced much of this in my 20+ years in fandom.

do you write smut? if so, what kind? Yes. All of the kinds?? I remember thinking it was such a big deal to write a "lemon" back int the day, and now it's old hat. Of course, I can't really write PWPs (I think I have one maybe??), I always have to write a giant backstory just to get to the good stuff (see my 18k GW beast of a fic for a lemon/smut fest. smhd)

have you ever had a fic stolen? not that I'm aware of...

have you ever had a fic translated? Yes! And it's such an insanely wonderful honor. I've also had fics written that are inspired by mine and I just... blanket permission to anyone who wants to remix, translate, art, whatever my work. It's so flattering.

Most recently, I had Black Sails in the Sunset translated into Portuguese.

have you ever co-written a fic before? Yes, but it was abandoned. I would love to do something like that again. Or something slightly different, like a comic *cough*@bettertasting*cough*

what’s your all-time favourite ship? How does one even answer that? Heero/Duo was the ship that got me into fandom; Harry/Draco is something I will still occasionally return to when I want like nostalgic comfort; Merlin/Arthur has some of the best fanworks I've ever consumed and they feel more like canon works than fanon; I've been reading and writing Stiles/Peter for like 5 years now... So, this is my non-answer. IDK man. I have a whole fleet and I'm ok with that.

what’s a wip that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? I had this idea for a Stranger Things OT3 fic at the end of Season 1, and then I wrote the first chapter and never posted it or wrote more before Season 2 dropped, and meh. I'll never go back to it. I loved the idea, but the characters have changed so much, I don't think I could capture what I wanted anymore. Maybe I'll post my WIPs I'll never finish someday and clean out my WIP folder.

what are your writing strengths? I think I'm funny and can inject that well into characters? And I like to think that I am good at writing in the character voice.

what are your writing weaknesses? If I need a "real" plot. Like, I cannot write case fics or mission fics or anything like that. I spent ages reworking my last fic so I could "Kevin Smith" the action by only have characters talk about some stuff that happened to them, and never see any of it on screen.

what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? I think I would take the easy way out and do it like: "blah blah blah" she said in French; or "she let out a rant in French" but never actually worry about translating anything.

what was the first fandom you wrote for? Gundam Wing! And back at it 20 years later!

what’s your favourite fic you’ve written? Hmmm. I really do like the last fic I wrote, my reentry to GW:

Our Love Keeps the Things it Finds | Gundam Wing | Heero/Duo/Trowa

And on the other end of the spectrum, and short 500 word fic that I really, really love:

A Slow Deep Panic | PJO | pre-Jason/Percy-ish

ok tagging: @punchedbymarkesmith @gatesofdisorder @lolahardy @pineappleglazedham @gentleranium @theheadgirl and you! Yes, you! Do you write fic? Are we mutuals? Do you want me to tag you in things? Let me know by doing this and tagging me!

#tagged #meg answers things #meg writes fic #fandom meme

[illfoandillfie]

71, 95, 121 please babe ily!!

ahhh thanks babe!! 🥰🥰

71. your favourite LGBTQ+ fiction

i'm gonna have to say Loveless by Alice Oseman lmao it's the first book i've read with explicit and intentional aspec rep and god it just felt so nice to read a book with a character i could relate to so much. Like, don't get me wrong i fucking love a good romance. I'm a big sucker for love stories of all kinds no matter how cliche or silly they are. But reading Loveless was something else sdskkssksdj. I made a few posts over on my main while i was reading it but like there was just so much stuff in there i related to, and things i'd entirely forgotten about. Like theres one bit where the main character, Georgia, is trying to work out why she doesn't seem to be interested in sex/romance outside of romcoms and stuff and she finds out about the kinsey scale and takes a test and comes out as an X (or no score) and like exits off it in a huff cause ~its a dumb quiz~ which felt like a direct attack on 17 year old me who did exactly the same thing lmao. I cried so much reading Loveless not because it was sad but just because I could relate so much to what Georgia was feeling and thinking. But there was also a character, Sunil, who was out as ace and confident in himself and his identity and he served as a bit of a mentor for baby-aroace!Georgia and ugh god he was just so cool and how I hope I could be if anyone who was questioning came to me for advice. And it was just really nice to see both examples of aspec characters - someone brand new to it all who feels broken and unsure and is very much learning what it even means, and then someone who has come to terms with it and understands them self and what they want. I had such a good time reading Loveless and while the way Georgia discovers she aspec is not the only way to work it out I think it touches on a lot of commen aspec experiences and really does a good job of explaining the feelings lots of aspec people encounter in figuring out who they are.

(also Georgia's bff is a lesbian and one of the other characters is pan and Sunlil's bff is aro which is v nice. And while it's not a romantic love story it is very much a story about love - platonic love and self love - which includes a grand gesture like in a romcom skdjkds)

95. your favourite coming of age novel

The Outsiders by S.E.Hinton was the first thing that came to mind so lets say that lmao. I read it for the first time when I was like idk 14 maybe? And then I read it again a couple of years later in relation to an assignment at school. But it's one I go back to every few years. I just love all the boys in it a lot but especially Sodapop and Dally.

Actually, I was uploading an audio version to the library catalog the other day and had to listen to part of it to make sure it was working and binch it still makes me emo!!

(I will say that since it was written in the 60s and Hinton was like 16 at the time, there are a couple of things in there that haven't aged so well. I think Two-Bit makes a comment about native americans that probably wouldn't fly anymore but I do think it still holds up for the most part.)

121. a book that makes you nostalgic

this is super obvious but I gotta go with the harry potter series. I know jkr is The Worst but my childhood was harry potter. Mum read the first book to us when I was like 6 as a bedtime story (ofc it kinda went over my head then lmao). I read it for the first time on my own when I was 8 and then I saw the midnight screening of the last movie a couple of months after my 18th birthday so I literally grew up with those book and that world and it defs makes me very nostalgic. I'm re-reading order of the phoenix at the moment!

#sorry all my answers are long dkjskdaldls #i just really like talking about books #about me