The Music of Jedi: Survivor
Last night I went to the Grammy Museum for an event celebrating the Jedi: Survivor score! Sometimes living in Los Angeles has its benefits. It was an evening with composers Stephen Barton and Gordy Haab, as well as their recording engineer Alan Meyerson, moderated by Jon Burlingame. I took copious notes throughout so I could share them with you all :) All quotes are paraphrases, I’m not that quick a note taker.
My husband and I settled into our seats, me vibrating with excitement as the lights dimmd. I was already hyped to hear the composers talk about my favorite game and their process for scoring it, but then my jaw fell out of my head because who strolled up on stage but fucking Cal Kestis himself, Cameron Monaghan, unexpected and uncredited on the event description.
I almost rolled out of my chair. Then I frantically started smacking my husband (who’s never played the game, but loves music and production) and hissing “it’s him it’s him it’s the Jedi!!!”
Cameron’s intro was brief but lovely. He introduced himself, then paused and said something like, “Do you hear that? That’s the sound of silence. That is awful. I can hear my own thoughts! No one wants to play a game like that. Which is why we have these guys!” He introduced the composers, Stephen and Gordy, as well as the sound engineer Alan and the moderator for the event, shook their hands and exchanged some hugs, then sat down in the audience. Giddily I returned to my notes as Jon led the discussion.
Q: How did you get into scoring video games?
Stephen was a gamer and had always been interested in working with video games. They were “enticing” and the schedule was much more appealing than for TV, where you might be handed a script and told to get the music back in a few days.
Gordy hadn’t worked particularly in games before.
Alan has been mixing and engineering video game soundtracks for the past 25 years, like Gears of War.
Q: What’s the difference between scoring a film and scoring a video game?
For film, it’s adding music onto what already exists; often the composer isn’t involved until the last 6 weeks or so of production. (Fun fact I learned earlier this year, Ludwig Goransson was involved from the start on Oppenheimer because Christopher Nolan specifically wanted to subvert that.)
The film is fairly static by the time the composers get their hands on it, so things are unlikely to change.
Video games are more like trying to put clothes on someone running a race, because drastic changes can happen at any time. The timeline is also greatly extended — 2-3 years is common — so things may evolve and shift drastically in that time.
Film is also much less volume of music… they wrote an entire 8 hours!
Q: Is there a Star Wars music “house” style?
Initially Star Wars projects outside of the original trilogy were often scored as if they were B sides to the original soundtrack. But the aesthetic is evolving. There are a few standards though — there must always be that symphonic scale.
The score was performed at Abbey Road. Alan mentioned that he was actually there on 9/11 working on a movie about a terrorist attack. Stephen loves recording at Abbey Road so much he and his wife named his daughter Abbey. All three of them agreed that Abbey Road is magical and the orchestra practically blends itself; for choral performances, all you have to do is stick a couple microphones in there and they sound fantastic.
They played a clip of “Dark Times,” with gameplay footage intercut with the symphony performing at Abbey Road. They explained that they wanted to develop a new theme for the Empire. At this time, the Empire just is. You can’t use the Imperial March, because the Imperial March is how the Empire perceives itself. But how does Cal see the Empire? It’s dark and ominous. It’s everywhere. It’s a fact of life.
Gordy explained that they literally shaped the melody like the sinus rhythm of a heartbeat to indicate that Cal’s on the run, his heart always pounding, never safe. They used a full 12 tone chromatic scale to keep the track always uncomfortable and unsettled.
Stephen is such a Merrical shipper! He talked about how one of the central conflicts of Survivor is Cal struggling with his feelings towards Merrin, and what do you do when you’ve utterly lost the fight? He pointed out what the Senator tells Cal, and calls him a pretty reasonable guy. Do you stop fighting when you’ve clearly lost? “Maybe Cal should go shack up with Merrin somewhere and have a nice life.”
Q: What is it like having so much funding for the score on a game like this?
All you can really sell now is quality, and people expect it now.
Q: What is the process like?
They are brought into the game in the script phase, where they may see some concept art and get to read the script to help determine the story beats.
The collaboration is joyful! It seems like it could be really scary, to have game play testers, the game designers, and other music folks all weighing in on how the score is working or not working, but they actually really enjoyed it. They’ll usually do about half the music, then have people test play it for a few months, come back with notes, and then work on the remainder after seeing what worked and what didn’t.
They played “Flight” in its entirety with gameplay of Cal and Merrin outrunning the Trident, and talked extensively about our girl Merrin! Stephen talked about how in JFO, Merrin was important but not as big of a player. Now in Jedi: Survivor, Merrin is vital,and we can see her story arc take shape. Her small motif in JFO was expanded into an epic, heroic scale after we see her power with portals and moving on the wind. They reached for all kinds of wind instruments, from Alpine horns, Tibetan horns, and even the “most tasteful vuvuzela ever.”
Note: it’s almost as heart-pounding to watch that sequence on the big screen as it is to play it!
They both said that some music flows onto the page and is easy to write; the escape from Jedha sequence was not one of those! It wasn’t easy to write, mix or play! A hundred people worked on this song, and it was hard as hell. The orchestra musicians kept coming up to Alan and telling him they loved playing it because it was such a challenge.
They don’t always tell the studio who wrote what. They work well together as they both love bourbon and coffee! Stephen says he’s great at about ¾ of the tune but not the ending, whereas Gordy can fix that up in a jiffy. They also sometimes divvied things up by planet or emotional beats.
Q: I noticed in this last song (“Flight”) there was a choral element. How do you decide when to incorporate choir instead of synth choir?
Choir is often the first casualty of budget cuts since it’s so many people involved. Sometimes, synth choir is chosen for just a vibe or an extra layer.
However, there’s a rule that in musicals when the emotion is building to a point that words can no longer contain them, that’s when a character must burst into song. For a score, when the emotion is swelling and can no longer be contained by mere instruments, that is when to pull out the choir. So we see it in “Flight.”
Me: We also see it in “Rage,” muahahaha.
They used 120 singers for Flight and only needed 3 microphones because of how good Abbey Road sounds.
They prefer amateur choirs to session professionals since you can sometimes have too-professional singers trying to out-sing each other, and amateurs are usually more relaxed.
Q: There were a number of unusual or even invented instruments used for this score, tell us about them.
Gordy made bottle chimes. He accidentally dropped a bottle of water while playing tennis and a ball pinged off it, making a lovely sound. He ordered 20 metal water bottles and strung them in a wardrobe rack with different amounts of water in them. Because it took ages to make, they used it in loads of places in the score.
Stephen went nuts and ordered 200 containers of BlueTack for the pianos for Koboh. They wanted Koboh to sound like the old West, but not that spaghetti Western honkytonk piano sound. If you make BlueTack into a sausage shape and roll it around a piano string you can make it make these strange broken sounds sort of like a gamelan. This is called a prepared piano. The low bumbumbum noises when first getting on Koboh and meeting the pit droid? Freaking piano. I would have never guessed! They did this to 3 pianos.
They played a clip of Where the Nekkos Roam. They used the prepared pianos, an orchestra, dulcimers, Basset horns, euphoniums, tubas. They wanted Koboh to feel lived in and to have history expressed in the music. The musicians were excited to have to rent out Basset horns since like nobody actually owns one.
Q: Tell us about the cantina music.
The original cantina brief from George Lucas to John Williams was apparently, “what if aliens came down in 1000 years and found sheet music from Benny Goodman, but didn’t have the same instruments?” And thus we got the Mos Eisley cantina theme which is almost unbeatable.
They were thinking of scoring the cantina music themselves, but then thought, “what if we gave that brief to a bunch of really cool bands?”
They highly recommended Dan Mayo from Tantran. They recommended taking a few hours to watch him kick ass on the drums on YouTube.
Tantran recorded "Fields of Dusk" for the cantina first, then Stig came back and said “what if we wove this into the score? What if it was Cal and Merrin’s love theme?” Then they created a symphonic version, also partially inspired by a Joni Mitchell song.
They played part of the cantina version of “Fields of Dusk,” then they played the symphonic version with Cal and Merrin riding the spamel to Cere’s base. They gushed about being able to work with the story and the subtext.
Alan said that "Fields of Dusk” “is visceral. It vibrates shit inside of you. Mixing it was a highly emotional experience for me. Even now sitting under the subwoofer — it’s right here, over my head — it’s very emotional.”
Q: How many motifs do you have?
“Seven thousand.” - Stephen
Gordy later amended that to about two dozen, but with tons of variations.
Q: What are the interactions like with the game developers?
They get to be in the building with them, working on the narrative team — making sure to serve the story first. It also lets them practice gameplay or watch others playing to see how it flows.
Again, it’s a 2-3 year process.
They played the clip of Cal and Merrin making a campfire in the cave on Jedha. Stephen is all about the Merrical ship (not that he used those words, alas, but still)! He said this was such gorgeous writing, really allowing the technology to showcase the acting, and it’s his all time favorite scene in the game.
The whole theater clapped as he said that. Yes! A whole theater clapping while someone was talking about Merrical and calling it gorgeous. *sobbing forever*
Q: What has it been like to meet fans?
They’ve been delighted by the fans and how much they love the characters and the amazing performances of all the actors in the game.
Q: Are there plans for a sequel?
Stephen: “Are there Lucasfilm snipers out there? Look for the red dot…”
Gordy: “There’s not NOT plans.”
Fan questions!
Alan mentioned he loves doing the hardest piece first! Then it’s all skiing downhill.
A fan asked about more weird created instruments.
They also used a bunch of bamboo smacking other pieces of bamboo, as well as using little drums from other purposes or sets.
Was there anything they messed up or wanted to do differently than they did in JFO?
They accidentally didn’t loop music in the hangar on Zeffo, so if you stick around there for more than 3 minutes, it just becomes wind sound and gets very lonely. A live streamer was playing the game, talked to his audience for like 10 minutes, then wandered around almost in silence as his fans commented “why is this game so quiet?”
Gordy wanted to make JFO sound much darker and got his wish in Survivor.
I had so been hoping they would talk about “Rage” and the struggle with the dark side, but they were sort of avoiding spoilers. So when they got to the Q&A I had to speak up.
I asked, “What was it like working with darker themes later in the game, like with Rage? You see a real shift in the motifs and there’s also more amazing choral work.” Their faces seriously lit up XD
Stephen said this was one he handed to Gordy because it was very difficult.
Gordy said that this is Cal at his worst, so it had to be so over the top. Think of consonant sounds crashing through the melody, Cal trying to keep control of his thoughts but they’re twisting away, he’s trying to think straight and can’t. It’s discordant. It’s also scored to evoke a heartbeat throughout, like breathing.
It was so hard for the choir to do, going back and forth — you can’t do that with choral samples or synth!
They ended with a video they played from their Hollywood Bowl show in June, and said we were only the second group of people to see it. They played a clip where they do use the classic Imperial March, but contoured so you only get the silhouette of its shape, instead of the full sound. It ended with a clip of the Tantran band playing a wicked awesome set out in the desert. The last image they showed was a list of the 287 people who worked on the score!
We let out and I did get to meet them! Stephen was lovely and I told him it was just such a beautiful, haunting score. I actually had a sketch of the campfire scene with me and he signed it! His daughter Abbey is an artist too and she was really impressed by my sketchbook (she looked to be about 11). Gordy also got to see a bit of my sketchbook and signed Cal in Nova Garon! What an awesome night! We didn’t see Cameron again but I was so astounded to see him the first time I didn’t mind at all.
SO COOL! Sometimes, kids, living in Los Angeles isn’t so bad!!
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'If Peaky Blinders made the Irish actor a household name, will Christopher Nolan’s nuclear blockbuster send him into the stratosphere? He talks about extreme weight loss, hating school and why his next character won’t be a smoker.
Cillian Murphy is struggling with what he can and can’t say about his title role in Oppenheimer, the latest Christopher Nolan epic, such is the secrecy surrounding this film. Murphy is under “strict instructions” not to talk about the content. Which is awkward when you’ve flown to his home in Ireland to interview him specifically about playing the physicist who oversaw the creation of the atomic bomb, later detonated over Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It’s not clear who issued these instructions. Nolan? The studio? The US government? All I know is that as well as Murphy being gagged by hefty NDAs, I am not allowed to see it (“bit unfortunate”, he concedes).
So, yes, here we sit in an empty upstairs room of a restaurant near his house in Monkstown, Dublin, working out how to do this. The room is dark, the sun shining through a solitary Velux lighting his features like a Géricault. The only background noise is the low hum of a wine refrigerator. Murphy loathes interviews, looks visibly tortured at points. But he relaxes when I ask if he’s pleased with Oppenheimer. “I am, yeah,” he says. “I don’t like watching myself – it’s like, ‘Oh, fucking hell’ – but it’s an extraordinary piece of work. Very provocative and powerful. It feels sometimes like a biopic, sometimes like a thriller, sometimes like a horror. It’s going to knock people out,” he adds. “What [Nolan] does with film, it fucks you up a little bit.”
Nolan wouldn’t disagree. The director recently told Wired magazine that some of those who’d seen it were left “absolutely devastated … they can’t speak”. Which sounds like a bad thing, but is related perhaps to the thought of the 214,000 Japanese people, overwhelmingly civilians, who lost their lives when the bombs were dropped. Kai Bird, the historian who co-authored American Prometheus, the 2008 biography of J Robert Oppenheimer upon which the film is based, said he was still “emotionally recovering” from seeing the film, clarifying that it was “a stunning artistic achievement”.
Murphy’s portrayal is said to be astonishing (“Oscar-worthy” is the buzz). This is not unbelievable. While Hollywood might not know him as a leading man, this quietly intense actor has long been celebrated in the UK and Ireland, most notably for his nine-year stint as Tommy Shelby in Peaky Blinders. When he first appeared on our screens, looking like a renaissance painting of Saint Sebastian – chiselled head contrasting with translucent blue eyes – it was impossible not to be distracted. He appeared first on stage in Enda Walsh’s Disco Pigs, then the screen adaptation. Then 28 Days Later; Intermission; Ken Loach’s The Wind That Shakes the Barley. Previous collaborations with Nolan include the Dark Knight trilogy, Inception and Dunkirk, “significant milestones in my career,” he says, adding that Nolan “might be the perfect director”.
It was Nolan’s wife, the producer Emma Thomas, who called Murphy one afternoon at the home he shares with his wife, artist Yvonne McGuinness, and two teenage sons. Nolan doesn’t actually have a telephone, or an email, or computer for that matter: “He’s the most analogue individual you could possibly encounter.” So, Emma said Chris would like a word and passed the receiver, then the director came on the line. “Cillian, I’d love you to play the lead in this new thing,” he said. Murphy tries to recreate his response to this news. “I was lost for words. But thrilled. Like beyond thrilled.” It is characteristic of Murphy that the modulation of his voice barely changes as he expresses this. He was so stunned, he had to sit down. “Your mind explodes.”
In the absence of the three-hour feature, I scrutinise Oppenheimer’s three-minute trailer. It’s a rush of snapshots against the crackling of a Geiger counter. There’s Murphy, short back and sides, lifting 1940s eye goggles; blue and red atoms coming at him fast; orange light; white light; blackout; silence. Massive explosion against the backdrop of space. Overlaid is Murphy’s narration, “We’re in a race against the Nazis / and I know what it means / if the Nazis have a bomb.” There’s Matt Damon looking porky as army general Leslie Groves, director of the Manhattan Project: “They have a 12-month head start.” Murphy, pointing with cigarette: “18.”
He has put back on some of the weight he lost for the part, I’m relieved to see; his skin isn’t quite so taut over his skull and there are freckles over those eagle-wing cheekbones. He was determined to nail the scientist’s silhouette “with the porkpie hat and the pipe”, testing himself to see how little he could eat. “You become competitive with yourself a little bit which is not healthy. I don’t advise it.” He won’t say how many kilograms he lost, or what food the nutritionist told him to cut out. NDA? “Ach, no. I don’t want it to be, ‘Cillian lost x weight for the part’.”
Then again, the hurtling speed at which Nolan worked, crisscrossing the US, made it easy to skip meals. Murphy began to forget about food in the same way he began to forget about sleep. “It’s like you’re on this fucking train that’s just bombing. It’s bang, bang, bang, bang. You sleep for a few hours, get up, bang it again. I was running on crazy energy; I went over a threshold to where I was not worrying about food or anything. I was so in it, a state of hyper …” he gropes for the word, “hyper something. But it was good because the character was like that. He never ate.” Oppenheimer subsisted on little more than Chesterfield cigarettes and double-strength martinis, rims dipped in lime. “Cigarettes and pipes. He would alternate between the two. That’s what did for him in the end,” Murphy adds, a nod to the scientist’s death from cancer in 1967. “I’ve smoked so many fake cigarettes for Peaky and this. My next character will not be a smoker. They can’t be good for you. Even herbal cigarettes have health warnings now.”
I raise method acting and Murphy tilts his head and frowns. “Method acting is a sort of … No,” he says, firm but with a half smile. Oppenheimer had many defining characteristics, not least walking on the balls of his feet and a vocal tic that sounded like nim-nim-nim, but Murphy didn’t want to do an impression. Nolan was obsessed with the Brillo-texture hair, so they spent “a long time working on hair”. And the voice. The real question for Murphy was what combination – ambition, madness, delusion, deep hatred of the Nazi regime? – allowed this theoretical physicist to agree to an experiment he knew could obliterate humankind. “He was dancing between the raindrops morally. He was complex, contradictory, polymathic; incredibly attractive intellectually and charismatic, but,” he decides, “ultimately unknowable.
“Listen, it’s not like a spoiler,” he says, checking himself before he leans in, “but there are incidents in his early life that were quite worrying; very erratic.” They are in the film and the book, he steers. I suspect he is referring to Oppenheimer’s postgrad at Cambridge in 1926, when he placed a poisoned apple on the desk of a tutor towards whom he harboured complicated feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. Arguably, this was attempted murder. But Oppenheimer’s rich New York parents rushed in to bundle him into psychoanalysis. He was diagnosed with “dementia praecox”, a term describing symptoms associated with schizophrenia.
Murphy likes these complex characters; they’re his meat. People that don’t necessarily follow the – yawn – traditional transformative arc of storytelling. Not villains, exactly (although he’s played a few, including Scarecrow in Dark Knight and Jackson Rippner in Red Eye): “Villains are good if they’re well written, but if it’s one note or a trope, then they are dull.” He likes a script to stretch leisurely into all corners of the human condition, “all the shades”. At the same time, you have to understand his exceptional ability to portray interiority, physically manifesting intense human emotion without a word, radiating fierce, consuming energy. Which he does today, actually, when I stray off track.
Although Nolan is usually, shall we say, antiseptic in his approach to romance, Oppenheimer represents a significant shift. He told Wired the love story aspect “is as strong as I’ve ever done”. It features prolonged full nudity for Murphy and Florence Pugh, who plays Oppenheimer’s ex-fiancee, as well as sex, and there are complicated scenes with Emily Blunt, who plays his wife, “that were pretty heavy”. Murphy turns coy: “I’m under strict instructions not to give away anything.”
He asks if I’ve heard of chemistry tests. “They put two actors in a room to see if there’s any spark, and have all the producers and director at a table watching. I don’t know what metric they use, and it seems so outrageously silly, but sometimes you get a chemistry and nobody knows why.” This is a roundabout way of saying his scenes with Blunt and Pugh conjure this magic. His established bond with Blunt (they co-starred in A Quiet Place II) meant “the audience gets something for free”, he says. “You can be immediately vulnerable and open, and try stuff. There were moments where I remember saying, ‘I couldn’t have done that if it wasn’t with you.’”
Murphy, 47, grew up the eldest of four in Cork. His father was a civil servant, his mother a French teacher. They were a middle-class family, musical; his father “can pick up any instrument”, his brother played piano, and they regularly got stuck into “traditional Irish sessions”. Bookshelves were stuffed with literature, the radio often on, the “shitty” TV set not so much. Home life was busy but his parents taught him French and Irish, and sent him to an all-boys academic, rugby-playing private school. “I got all the education” he says, drily.
The story of how much he disliked the Presentation Brothers College, the hard-drinking masculine emphasis, how he found solace playing guitar in a band, is much rehearsed and he says today he doesn’t want “to slag the school off. I hear it’s great now.” Something about this experience seems nonetheless unsettling. He had one friend, who is still his best friend, “so I wasn’t, like, an outcast”. He played rugby for the first couple of years, but abandoned it “because everyone was all of a sudden towering over me.” Was it an unhappy time? He shifts. “It was OK. I was a bit of a messer, like I’d get in trouble and say nothing. It wasn’t the ideal school for me.”
He enrolled in and dropped out of a law degree at University College Cork, which created some friction with his parents (when I ask if his own sons will go to university in Dublin, he says, “Whatever they want”). He continued with the band, his first creative love but the one that got away. When they were offered a contract with Acid Jazz records, he turned it down for a number of reasons, he says, crucially that he didn’t feel good enough. He still writes and plays at home but, no, you won’t be hearing any of his recordings, ever, he says.
It’s a funny thing talking to Murphy. He’s at once garrulous (on the craft, or literature, or ideas) and reticent (pretty much anything else). I sense in previous interviews that he skates over issues close to his heart – such as the expression of emotion in Ireland and the need to teach empathy in schools. But when I try to drill in to these topics, get to the root, he clams shut, emitting energy like a nuclear reactor.
Later, in a different context, he will tell me a truth: “I’m stubborn and lacking in confidence, which is a terrible combination. I don’t want to put anything out that I don’t think is excellent.” But he clearly hates the pantomime of publicity, asking why I am returning to certain topics and repeating lines I’ve read elsewhere. I can almost see him at home with its views towards the Irish Sea, complaining to his wife as they tuck into supper: “Another one, asking the same fucking questions.”
If he could get out of going to Cannes, of standing on red carpets, dressed as is his habit for a funeral, hair shellacked, hands in pockets; if he could turn his back on the coloured-foam mics thrust in his face, he would. He really would. No, it dawns on him now, there’s something even worse than the red carpet; there’s the talkshow rounds. The very word “talkshow” comes out of him like a pain from his ribcage, as if the parcelling out of amuse-bouche anecdotes, offering them up to the forced laughter of that false god of show business, the studio audience, is in itself the most cheapening experience known to mankind.
“I do them because you’re contractually obliged to. I just endure them. I’ve always found it difficult. I’ve said this so many, many times.” Then there’s the double wince of realising that, yes, he’s done it again. He’s laid into the industry that feeds him. His hands raise slowly in surrender. “I want to just caveat this by saying, I’m so privileged. I’m so happy to be doing what I love. I’m really lucky. But I don’t enjoy the personality side of being an actor. I don’t understand why I should be entertaining and scintillating on a talkshow. I don’t know why all of a sudden that’s expected of me. Why?”
There’s an awkward silence. I say that he reminds me of Naomi Osaka, the tennis player who refused to talk to journalists after the French Open in 2021. He says he feels “100%” sympathy with her, “because why should she have to perform?” Then he relents. “But I get it. I get it’s a kind of ecosystem where the film feeds the publicity which feeds the talkshows which goes back and feeds the film, so, like, that’s how it works. I suppose I’m just not good at it. At interviews, at this stuff,” he gestures at me. He says after he leaves me today he’ll be going down the stairs thinking of all the things he’s said and worrying it’s come across all wrong. “Do you know what Sam Beckett said? ‘I have no views to inter.’ I love that. That should be the interview.”
We return to his art, the tension falls away and he’s back to his charming self, charged air evaporating. Since Oppenheimer, he’s also wrapped Small Things Like These, an adaptation of Claire Keegan’s brilliant novella set in 1985 in a small Irish town on the edge of which is a convent and “laundry”. Murphy is a huge fan of Keegan. He remembers reading her 2010 novel Foster on a train and having to pull his hoodie over his face because he was crying so hard. Anyway, he’d wanted to work with the Peaky Blinders director Tim Mielants and they were throwing ideas around in his sitting room when Murphy’s wife suggested Small Things. “No, there’s no way,” Murphy said. “That’s going to be gone already.” But when he called the agent, he found it was available. “I went, ‘No, you’ve got to be fucking kidding.’” Murphy pitched the idea to Matt Damon, who has set up a studio with Ben Affleck. “From there it all just happened really quickly.”
Murphy plays Bill Furlong who, funnily enough, is a man of few words. Keegan’s light-touch writing is everything he loves in art – the sense that you are not being bashed over the head by an idea. That’s how he tries to act, he adds. “I’m always trying to cut lines in scenes, because I feel like you can transmit it. Like when you see a person on a train thinking, or driving a car, and you are purely observing someone and feeling the energy that is vibrating from them. That’s the sort of acting I love. In a lot of film and television, they want to cut those bits to go to the action. I like films that pose the big questions and then leave it to the audience.” Perhaps this is at the heart of his reticence in interviews? That he doesn’t feel the need to explain.
He still finds it “nuts” that the last of the Magdalene laundries closed in 1996, that it was illegal to buy condoms in Ireland until 1985, that divorce was made legal only in 1996. He remembers vividly thousands of people still going to see moving statues in Cork when he was growing up. “Crazy. But, like, how far the country has come since then, we’re so socially advanced now compared with where we were. But you must look back. And art is a better way of doing that than reading all these reports [into the laundries].” (Afterwards, he emails me: “The nation is actually dealing with an unresolved collective trauma. Who knows how long this will take to heal, but I feel strongly that art, film and literature can help with that process. It’s a kinder and gentler sort of therapy. I hope that our movie can help with that in its own little way.”)
Because he’s a nice man, because he doesn’t want me to feel bad about our encounter, and because he’s generous and hospitable, Murphy finishes by telling me some of the best places to visit in Ireland. He and his family are staying here for the summer. They’ve had it with air travel and his home town of Cork is only a couple of hours away. He supplies me with other recommendations: a great book he’s just read, Brian, by Jeremy Cooper, oh, and there’s the Francis Bacon studio exhibition I should catch on my way out.
But before I go, what has he learned from playing Oppenheimer? Foremost, he says, that scientists think differently. He knew this already from playing physicist Robert Capa in Danny Boyle’s Sunshine (2007) and hanging out in Cern, home of the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva, for research. “I had dinner with all these geniuses. I’ll never understand quantum mechanics, but I was interested in what science does to their perspective.” He sought their opinions on subjects that matter – love, politics, our place in the universe, “infinity, or whatever the fuck. Because they have a completely different way of taking in information than we do. I remember one scientist saying, ‘I don’t believe in love. It’s a biological phenomenon, the exchange of hormones between the female and the male. That’s all. Love is a nonsense.’” Murphy taps the table with his hand. “I couldn’t go along with that, obviously.”
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Tea & Confrontations
Word Count: 6.2k
Category: Angst, fluff-ish, but mostly angst
Warning: swear language
Summary: A mutual friend, and an inside source spills exclusive tea about your and Harry’s relationship, breakup, and your relationship with Joe Keery, and Joe confronts Harry.
a/n: this is set further down in time and not in October of 2022 for the sake of the fic’s timeline.
let me know what you think! this is a long one x
..
Backstage Girlfriend Masterlist
Some days, you had found yourself regretting your choice of profession. Surely working as anything but a creative director, commonly known as Production Designer in the film industry–one who was successful and known as well–and having a circle of people who were in the entertainment industry wouldn’t have made you and Harry meet. Surely it was your profession. Surely it was the circle of big names and not-so-big ones that had your paths crossing years ago. Surely if it weren’t for it, you would have been getting over a breakup with an accountant or business developer of some sort, and only then, nobody would have given two shits about your breakup.
But that wasn’t the case.
And while you had had your days, meeting Joe had proved that everything worked out for the best.
“I was thinking that we might need to change Flo’s position for this shot.”
It wasn’t everyday that someone could be sitting next to one of Hollywood’s best directors, Christopher Nolan, but as the supervising production designer on his new movie, Oppenheimer, you were.
“The lighting on her face is coming from that side,” you pointed, “And if we have her on the other side, it’s more fitting to the mood.”
Nolan nodded along, looking at his screen in front of him, “Yeah, yeah, I see it,” he said, “Florence, can you stand on the left instead?” He called.
Working on one of the most anticipated movies with an incredible cast and crew, you were almost sleepless. As someone whose job was one between a Producer and a Director, your mind seemed to always be racing with the designs you worked on for the film, the budgeting, the storyboards, making sure all the teams you were working with were going according to plan—you loved your job, but saying you were busy would be an understatement.
It was why it wasn’t something you had anticipated nor wished for when the internet seemed to suddenly go crazy.
It was a rare day off when it happened, to your own bad luck and misfortune.
At 9 a.m., Joe had woken up before you, being gentle as he kissed your hair as you slept, overcome with the feeling of happiness that you were finally getting some sleep and rest, even if it was just for a day.
Time seemed to be dragged before Joe checked his phone that he had silenced before bed to make sure neither of you, and especially you, was disturbed.
Along with a few frantic texts from his friends, it was one of his sisters’ texts that he saw first:
Carolina: Don’t let Y/N come near her phone!!!
Caroline: Deux Moi released a podcast with an “exclusive source” that leaked everything about her previous relationship and yours
Caroline: Do NOT let her see this!
Carolina: https://www.hellomagazine.com/celebrities/20221002153091/harry-styles-exclusive-tea-yn-yln/
“Fuck,” Joe said under his breath, his shoulders slumping as he sat down, opening the link his sister sent him.
“Holivia was a stunt and Harry isn’t over Y/N”, says exclusive source about Harry Styles & ex, Y/N Y/L/N, on Deux Moi podcast and much more!
Joe only skimmed through the article, eyebrows furrowed as muscles tense as he decided to click on the link to the podcast, choosing to listen for himself.
“Today we have someone, let’s call them Kyle, and I feel like you guys will like this one,” the distorted voice of Deux Moi said, “I’ve been getting asked about Harry and Olivia, and about Harry and his ex, Y/N Y/L/N and her and Joe for so, so long now, and I always said I didn’t know so much about what actually went down. Like, I wasn’t sure if the things you all sent was truthful or just total cap, but Kyle here is an exclusive, you guys. Hey, Kyle.”
“Hey, hey, how are you?”
“I’m doing good, doing great. First of all, I’m really excited to talk about this because—Gosh, it’s what everyone has been talking about for so long and people are dying to know, so you’re literally going to end everyone’s misery.”
Kyle chuckled, “When I reached out to you, I actually had that in mind. Like, I just felt like I have been sitting on this one.”
“Yeah, thank you so much for reaching out,” the voice of Deux Moi said, “First of all, let’s start talking about Harry and Y/N. Do we have a timeline?”
“Yeah, so,” Kyle began, “Harry and Y/N met back in 2018.”
“Oh my God.”
“Yeah, there were some mutual friends and I was one of them, and we were all there for his last show on his first tour then we went backstage, and let me get this straight,” they paused, “That was literally love at first sight.”
“Shut up, no way!”
“When I tell you Harry couldn’t keep his eyes off of Y/N, I seriously mean it,” they said, “Y/N is shy. Like, she has a lot of friends and she’s, like, the sweetest person ever but the moment you meet her, she’s just shy and sweet and Harry off stage is exactly like that, but that night, he was trying so hard to talk to her, like just her, and he was blushing and she was, like, very flustered and all, and we all knew that we basically have some setting up to do.”
“Neither of them was in any relationship at the time?”
“No,” they answered, “Just two single people who basically had the hots for each other. So, that night, Harry and his bad and, like, everyone else, were all going out to celebrate the tour coming to an end and all and obviously we were all invited, but I remember he directly went to Y/N and he was like, “I’ll see you there, right?” and we were all just absolutely swooning.”
“This is everyone’s dream. Like imagine Harry Styles wanting to see you.”
“Exactly, exactly,” they agreed, “But Y/N wasn’t just starstruck with him because he’s a celebrity, you know? I don’t even know how to describe it but they moment they met, they just really clicked.”
“This is so cute.”
“Right?”
“So what happens next?”
“Well we go out and we party, and they dance together, they talk, and it basically looks like they’re on a date and everyone could see it. They exchanged numbers that night,” Kyle spilled, “So then like a couple of days later, we all go out for brunch.”
“Like, the friend group?”
“Yeah, we all basically decided that we needed to set them up so we were, like, set it into action at that point. So we all went out and they were just—there’s some shy flirting, you know? They were just talking and having a conversation all evening.”
“This feels like a fairytale.”
“We all placed our bets on them, honestly,” they said, “Anyway, we all met up more times after that, like two or three times, but I feel like—like it all just, sort of blossomed when we all went on a trip to Italy together, and I can’t tell you how absolutely smitten they were. They had their first date there,” Kyle said.
“No way!” The voice of Deux Moi gasped, “This is so adorable. Is that why it seems like Italy is like, so close to Harry? Like, it feels like he just goes there to relax and that it’s like his getaway of some sort.”
“Italy was their country, honestly,” they said, “Like they had their first date there, and then they later had so many vacations there, I feel like it was like their safe haven or something.”
“This is so adorable, I can’t. I literally can’t.”
“Right? Anyway, fast forwarding a bit, they were just so adorable together. Like, their relationship at that point was the perfect example of puppy love. Harry was the happiest we’ve ever seen him, Y/N was the happiest, everything was going so well.”
“When did they make it official?”
“It took them some time,” they answered, “Y/N met Harry’s family before they actually made it official. I think she met them around Christmas time and Harry just told us about how his family absolutely adored her,” they said, “But they made it official in 2019, first day of the year.”
“First of January?”
“Yup,” Kyle answered, “I can’t even begin to describe how they both were literally glowing at that point. They were just so in love, it was crazy.”
“Wait, so they were together for how many years before they broke up, again?”
“Three years.”
“Three years!”
“Three whole years, yeah,” Kyle repeated, “And everyone loved them together, and at the time, we all understood that they wanted to be private, because you know how things get with the fans and the media and all. But the fans, you know, they saw her and were beginning to join some dots but I think at some point, everyone assumed they were just friends because they were never really touching or kissing in the pictures, but I remember our friends talking about how much the fans loved Y/N.”
“You know, I get some sightings of Y/N, and it’s always with, like, the cutest stories. Like people telling me she’s so respectful, she’s cute, she’s nice, is big on tips, and all that, so I get why fans would love her,” the voice of Deux Moi said, “And I think I remember getting some messages about her getting fans concert tickets and merch.”
“She always did that,” Kyle confirmed, “I think that—Y/N is just a very humble and simple person, and I think she has always realized that with her place in the industry, she does have some privilege, right? Especially when she was Harry’s girlfriend and all, so she just really liked doing these things,” they said, “Like she always told him to get more in touch with his fans, and I think there were some arguments about ticket and merch pricing and all.”
“Wow, really?”
“Yeah, I think that’s why the fans loved her. You always pick up that vibe, you know? When someone is being real.”
“True. That’s so true,” Deux Moi agreed, “But—where did it all go wrong? I think it all went bad with the hate and all after Harry’s song got leaked. I remember that—she was getting so much hate. You know what? No, don’t answer that right now, we’ll get to it.”
Kyle chuckled, “Yeah, let’s take it one step at a time,” they said.
“Alright so, Holivia? That’s—That’s also the tea.”
“Oh, it’s hot,” Kyle laughed, “It’s very hot tea.”
“Right? Because I feel like from what you’re saying, Harry and Y/N, they were—they were endgame.”
“They really were,” they said, “But then Harry got the Don’t Worry Darling role and that’s when things went south,” they began, “Look, publicity stunts and scandals happen all the time. It’s a classic for a reason, too. It always works.”
“I agree.”
“So in 2020, there were talks about the stunt. Basically that Harry and Olivia start going out and all, and Y/N was—She was literally crushed when Harry said he was going to think about it.”
“She didn’t think he’d do it?”
“No, I don’t think so,” Kyle answered, “Obviously, she’s in the industry and she knows that these things happen all the time but when you’re in her position, it’s—it’s not so easy. But she was very supportive of his career and, like, respected his decisions and everything because she knew that he wouldn’t—like, he wouldn’t disrespect her, you know?”
A hum.
“Anyway, Harry agreed to it and he had conditions set. Like, he wanted it to still be lowkey and to, like, keep it on the minimum.”
“That’s not really how it goes,” Deux Moi joked.
“It’s not how it goes,” Kyle repeated.
“Did Y/N at any point—Or her and Harry, did they ever consider going public?”
“Y/N wanted that,” Kyle answered, “She’s mostly also private, but she just wanted everyone to know that they’re a couple, you know?”
“Yeah, nothing wrong with that. I’d want people to know that Harry Styles and I are together, too.”
Kyle laughed, “Right? But it was because—They’re both attractive people, so you have people shooting their shot at them all the time and at some point, it was a little hurtful to Y/N how she had to stay, like, very discreet about her relationship. It felt like a secret, you know?”
“Like she was hidden.”
“Exactly, exactly. And that’s just—It’s not fun and it does things to your mental health. Like, you start thinking.”
“Yeah, of course.”
“So anyway, the stunt was supposed to be short-term, but everything was just super intense. Shit mostly went down during Jeff and Glenne’s wedding.”
“Jeff is Harry’s manager, right?”
“Yeah,” they answered, “So when you’re in a relationship, obviously your plus one is you girlfriend, your boyfriend, like, your partner, right?”
“Yeah?”
“Y/N was asked to not attend with Harry and to, like, blend in.”
“No. Fucking. Way.”
“Swear,” Kyle assured, “Just so Harry and Olivia can make their debut as a couple.”
“Oh. My. God.”
“I know.”
“I think I felt my heart break,” Deux Moi said, “Are you kidding me?”
“I wish,” Kyle said, “We were all so worried about Y/N because she was literally crushed. Like, oh my God, I can’t even begin to describe it. Like, to the point that she wasn’t going to attend the wedding if it weren’t for Glenne insisting.”
“And how was it?”
“She was so anxious that day, and I think—I think that’s when Y/N really began doubting herself. Like, at that point, the relationship was making her feel like shit and she felt like—You know, she felt like she just wasn’t worthy of being Harry’s girlfriend, that maybe she wasn’t good enough for his image, all that talk.”
“Poor woman, I feel like crying right now,” Deux Moi gasped, “And how was Harry dealing with it?”
“Look, I can’t believe I’m saying that but I feel like there was just so much manipulation happening? I don’t know, I don’t know, because Harry really did love Y/N. He—Actually, he still does. Like he’d be agreeing to all that stunt shit then be the good boyfriend to Y/N so to her, it sort of felt like she didn’t really have the right to complain. Like he’d tell her that it was basically work, that he loves her, that it’ll all end soon, and she, you know, she took it all in and tried to go on with it to be a supportive girlfriend.”
“This is literally a toxic relationship.”
“Which is so sad! It’s so sad, because—because they really did love each other so much,” Kyle said.
“Still toxic,” Deux Moi said, “Did Olivia know? About Harry and Y/N?”
“Yeah, yeah, she did,” Kyle answered, “And I’ve seen some people say that she was mean to Y/N and stuff, but that’s not true. They were both actually respectful towards one another.”
“Y/N is way better than I can be, because I don’t know how I’d act with Olivia if I were her.”
“We were all so shocked, but if this proves anything, it just proves how above and beyond Y/N was willing to go for her relationship—for Harry.”
Deux Moi hummed, “Then what happens?”
“Y/N did tell Harry about how uncomfortable the situation is. Like, he knew, but you know, he’d always assure her and all. But then,” they enunciated, “Harry missed her birthday for a sighting, with Olivia.”
A gasp was heard, “No fucking way. No way, are you kidding?”
“I wish I were,” Kyle said, “But I remember we were all trying to plan a night out and one of us told her that, like, Harry better leave the night for us to celebrate her and all, and she was like, “Oh, he’s not going to be here all day”, and we were like “What?” and she just said “He just has things to deal with and do” and then later, we find some pictures, like papped pictures of Harry and Olivia and everyone was like “Oh.””
“I’m so shocked right now. I literally don’t know what to say.”
“Yeah. We celebrated her birthday that night and she just—she just wasn’t happy, you know?”
“Yeah, can you blame her? Who can blame her?”
“Exactly,” Kyle agreed, “But then, like a day later, Harry made it up to her by taking her to the Amalfi Coast.”
“But is that even worth anything?”
“That’s what we were saying. Like, he missed her actual birthday, and for what? But Y/N was—she was still appreciative. In a way, she was just constantly convincing herself that it’s his work after all,” they said, “But then—”
“I’m always scared of what follows that.”
Kyle laughed, “It’s bad, alright? I wasn’t kidding when I told you earlier that it’s a sad story.”
“Oh you definitely weren’t.”
“Yeah so, you know these pictures of Harry and Olivia? When they were kissing on a yacht?”
“Oh yeah, know those. Kissing on a yacht is a classic when it comes to these stunts, I’m surprised they still do it.”
“Right?” Kyle laughed, “Yeah, after those Y/N was like—she was just reaching the breaking point, you know? She asked for space. It wasn’t necessarily a break, but just—just some space, and Harry respected it and he gave her space but he was like—he sent her flowers, sent her some letters, you know, stuff like that.”
“If it weren’t for the context, I would’ve said that was cute.”
“Right,” they chuckled, “But like, soon after, they went out for brunch and we all were—we were literally celebrating it because to us, that relationship—it was like you said, it was endgame. They were our favorite couple, so we were glad to see them working. But they got so much shit for that brunch date because there were paps and Harry’s management was, like, having none of it. Like they didn’t want Y/N in the picture when Olivia was in it.”
“That’s—Oh my God, that’s so fucking brutal.”
“Absolutely brutal. At that point, we all were sort of distancing ourselves from Harry. Everyone was trying to stay neutral, but we knew what was happening and it was just hurtful seeing what Y/N was going through,” they said, “So back to how Y/N loved interacting with the fans—they wanted her to stop that.”
“They wanted her to stop interacting with the fans?”
“Yeah, like to just cut it because it wasn’t good for Holivia but Y/N—she was like, no, you’re Harry’s management, you’re not mine.”
“Yes. Queen.”
“We were so proud of her!” Kyle exclaimed, “We were so proud,” they repeated.
“I feel like I’m proud of her and I don’t even personally know her.”
“Right? Right?” They laughed, “So yeah, she was just still interactive with fans over Twitter and like, Instagram comments and stuff.”
“She’s private on Instagram, right?”
“Yeah, she is,” they said, “But she’d always like some posts, comment on some stuff, stuff like that. She didn’t do it a lot, but it was still something she enjoyed—she still does it.”
“That’s so sweet.”
“I’m telling you, she’s—she’s just amazing.”
“So now, that’s when? Like was that nearing the breakup?”
“That was, like, months before their third anniversary,” Kyle answered, “So they celebrated their third year together and things were going fairly well—like, as good as it can get, at least. Until Harry’s show in Brixton, in May. The One Night Only show.”
“He had two, right?”
“Yeah, one in the UK, in Brixton, and the other in New York,” they answered, “They actually broke up on that day.”
“The one in Brixton?”
“Yeah. I wasn’t there for that one, but basically what happened was that—You know, Y/N was super supportive of Harry’s career. Like, she was his biggest fan and was literally the muse for all his love songs—like so many in Fine Line, and basically all of Harry’s House. Harry’s House is literally her album,” they said, “And I bet the next one as well but, anyway—so, she was there, of course. She was so excited to see him perform his new album, she basically was going on and on about how proud she was of him, how excited she was.”
“I’m so scared right now.”
“And then she was asked to stay backstage during the show.”
“Like—Like, not watch him from the crowd?”
“Yeah. His mom was there, his sister was there, so many of his friends—of our friends, everyone was going to stand there and actually watch him from the crowd but it was just Y/N that was told to stay back.”
“You have to be kidding.”
“I’m not. I wish,” they said, “But she was told to just, stay back and basically give her spot to Olivia,” Kyle said, “And Harry was—He was actually, like, okay with it.”
“No.”
“Yeah,” they confirmed, “You know, told her things like, it was just for a day, you’ll still get to see me, et cetera, et cetera, and she was just so broken at that point. So she stayed back, she watched him for like, some time, then she just left.”
“Like, left him?”
“She left the arena, yeah, and she called one of our friends and she was just—she was like, hysterically crying, like sobbing, and she was like, ‘I can’t do this anymore’. And nobody could blame her. So she just, like, went back, and packed her stuff. Then Harry caught her, like before she left, and she broke up with him.”
“For good?”
“Yeah, they never went back together after that,” they said, “And for the longest time, Y/N was devastated. It’s because—when you’re in a relationship, it’s like an investment. Like you invest with your time, with your energy, your efforts, your—your mental health, everything, and in a way, it felt like Y/N lost.”
“And what about Harry?”
“Look, Harry will never love anyone the way he loves Y/N, period,” they said, “He’s still not over her, he’s still not over their relationship, still not over what he’s done. He’s still, like, constantly beating himself up for it.”
“I can’t say I feel too bad, honestly.”
“It’s Karma in a way, I guess.”
“But how did he take it when Y/N got into a new relationship? Because Y/N and Joe Keery have been a hot topic ever since they got together.”
“God, he was absolutely crushed,” they said, “Joe is a great guy. He’s a great, great guy. He treats Y/N so well, puts her first, supports her, defends her. He’s—He’s basically the boyfriend Y/N truly deserves and Harry sees that.”
“Yeah, it wasn’t too far ago when he defended her on Instagram after Harry’s song about her got leaked.”
“Yeah, he’s just—he’s incredible.”
“Do you know when they met?”
“They met in 2021 if I remember correctly. They had a mutual friend, I think it was a creative director or something who worked on Stranger Things. And Joe had the biggest crush on her back then,” Kyle answered.
“Yeah, yeah, I remember he said that in an interview.”
“Yeah, and then they met again in, like, early 2022 as well, then after the breakup, like, I don’t know three months later, they went out for some coffee, then it was just—like really casual for a while even though Joe was smitten, but Y/N didn’t want to rush anything.”
“Can’t blame her.”
“Yeah, nobody can. So yeah, they took their time and everything.”
“But Harry’s not over her.”
“Harry’s not over her,” Kyle confirmed.
“God, that was heavy.”
It wasn’t long before Deux Moi and their guest moved to another celebrity gossip, making Joe pause before he stared at his phone for a few moments.
Everything was out in the open.
Between your sleeping state and Joe’s stressed one, was Harry who now seemed to get only bad news from his manager and friend, Jeff.
Going on social media was like a nightmare.
Not only was Harry getting cancelled, but so were Olivia and Jeff, while supportive messages, tweets, and edits were being sent your way.
“We owe Y/N an apology” was among the trends, sitting right on top of the 4 other relevant trending topics about you. After it came “#HarryStylesIsOver”, “Y/Noe”, “Holivia”, and “Thank you deuxmoi”.
The latter was a surprise to everyone, but never did anyone guess that a day would come where people would thank the celebrity gossip platform.
user
nobody believed me when I said y/n and harry were together and that he fucked her over. fuck harry, fuck olivia, fuck jeff, and fuck dwd.
user
Imagine your worst mistake being that you trusted the person you loved the most. #HarryStylesIsOver
user
WE OWE Y/N AN APOLOGY? NO! YOU owe her an apology because some of us still stuck by her side and knew that she wasn’t the evil guy in this. now yall wanna talk
user
idk who “kyle” is but thank you
user
I TOLD YOU HOLIVIA WAS FAKE!!! I TOLD YOU YNRRY WAS REAL!!!!
Countless of tweets, some angry, some sad, some supportive were being added by the second and Joe found himself growing nervous for when you woke up.
It was inevitable for you to wake up. A day of sleeping one was one you appreciated, and even more so after you freshened up and were ready for a day of doing absolutely nothing but chill with your boyfriend.
“Good morning,” you said, taking notice of Joe flinching on the couch, causing you to giggle, “Sorry.”
Joe forced a smile, standing up and meeting you halfway to press his lips to yours as he wrapped one arm around your waist, his other hand going into your hair to bring your head closer to his. Pulling back, you smiled, “Okay then,” you joked.
“Good sleep?”
You hummed, wrapping your arms around him in a hug as you closed your eyes in bliss, “So good.”
“You deserve it,” he said, kissing your head, “What do you want to have for breakfast?”
“I don’t know, anything,” you answered, “Some scrambled eggs sound nice.”
“And buttered toast?”
“And buttered toast.”
“Avocados?”
“God, I love you,” you shook your head with a smile, leaning to kiss him again, “Let me just grab my phone a-“
“Let’s not,” Joe quickly said.
Your eyebrows furrowed, a smile of confusion on your face.
“I just—I figured—We can just—We can disconnect for the day, how does that sound?” He asked, “Leave our phones, turn them off, just-just enjoy your break.”
You stayed quiet for a moment, tilting your head as you looked at him.
“You’re hiding something,” you said.
“No, I’m not.”
“Then why are your cheeks and ears all pink?” You raised an eyebrow, “What’s going on?”
“Is it too bad that I want us to be together without any distractions? Without any—”
“Joe.”
He pursed his lips, avoiding eye contact as he looked at the ceiling for a moment.
“What’s going on?” You asked again.
A sigh escaped his lips before he looked at you, “Someone—Someone you know just—” He paused.
You raised an eyebrow again, “Just what? Did someone die? Joe, oh my God, di—”
“No, no, nobody’s dead, baby. Everyone’s fine. Everyone’s okay,” he assured.
“Okay, then what is it?”
“Well, um,” he cleared his throat, “Uh, someone—you know,” he shrugged.
“I don’t.”
“How do they say this?” He muttered, scratching his chin, “Someone spilled the tea?”
“The tea?” You asked, “What tea?”
“Someone went on a podcast and they—they basically said every single thing about your past relationship. Your relationship with Harry.”
You stayed quiet, eyebrows going up, “Oh.”
“Oh,” Joe nodded.
“Everything?”
“From the moment you met,” he said quietly.
“Oh,” you repeated.
“Yeah,” he nodded unsurely, “I’m—I’m really sorry, baby. I’m so, so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” you said quietly, “It’s not your fault. It’s—It’s nobody’s fault,” you added, “Who did that?”
“It was a guy, I think? Went with the name Kyle, like a pseudonym, but I don’t know. They could’ve distorted the voice, could be anyone.”
You hummed.
Joe looked at you, trying to asses your state before asking, “How are we feeling?”
“I’m not so surprised, honestly,” you answered, “I’m just—I’m so done with this, you know? I don’t know. I think—I think I just don’t care anymore.”
He nodded, rubbing your back soothingly, “I get it,” he said, “Do you want to address it?” He asked, “You know, they’re—everyone’s sending you support, some cute shit.”
“No, I won’t. I won’t address it,” you answered before sighing, “You know what I want?”
“What?”
“That scrambled eggs, the buttered toast, and those fucking avocados.”
To you, the day went well, and you knew that a huge reason why was that you did actually decide to take Joe’s advice and not check your phone. Instead, you and Joe had cooked breakfast and lunch together, had watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and decided to order takeout for the night.
To Joe, his mind was restless.
In a way, he felt like he needed to do something. Sure, he posted about you, he liked standing up for you, and he absolutely loved being a total sap on main—publicly and openly loving you, but something didn’t feel right.
He was smiling all night, loving on you and laughing with you, but his mind was all over the place. It wasn’t until you were asleep in his arms that he did what he felt was right.
Opening Instagram, he never had thought that he’d be the one to type in “harry styles” in the search bar and tap on your ex’s profile, but that was what he did before he also tapped on “Message”.
Strange enough, Joe was calm as he typed in his text:
Hey, Harry. I was hoping we can meet up soon to talk.
And stranger enough, was that his text was seen no more than 2 minutes after he sent it.
5 minutes passed before Joe received a reply.
Hello. Sure. When and where?
Joe then replied:
I’m currently in New Mexico but I’ll be in LA on Tuesday. Would that work for you?
And as if Harry had no idea that Joe was with you as you worked on Oppenheimer, he replied back:
Yes, I’m staying in LA for the time being. Tuesday works well.
Joe replied:
Great. We can meet at 6pm at my house since it’s the most private.
Harry then replied:
Okay. Is this about the recent podcast?
Joe replied:
Yes and no.
Harry replied:
Does Y/N know about this?
Joe replied:
No, she doesn’t.
Harry replied:
Okay. Send me the location and I’ll see you then.
Harry would have been lying if he said he wasn’t nervous, because of course he was. As someone who got into the acting world, scenarios ran through his mind like the ones he was offered; Joe was going to beat him up, or he was going to blackmail him, or he was going to tell him that Harry was the best choice for you and that didn’t seem like the worst scenario, although a cliché.
Days seemed to fly, or so it seemed to both Harry and Joe. The meeting was one that was discreet with neither’s friends knowing about it, even as Harry rang the doorbell to yours and Joe’s home.
Opening the door, Joe offered a very small smile, only stepping aside to let Harry in, “Come in,” he said.
Harry’s stomach was in twists; clammy palms against the sides of his thighs, erratic heartbeat that would definitely need medical attention at some point because there was no way that was normal.
“Want anything to drink?” Joe asked.
“Um, no, thank you,” Harry answered, sitting when Joe motioned towards the teal-colored couch—your favorite color on couches, although you wished you could have a cream-colored one but those seemed to be too much work, Harry remembered.
Joe sat on the chair opposite to it, a space between the two men that seemed occupied by tension and lingering awkwardness.
“Look,” Joe began, voice steady and calm, “I know this is weird. Like, really weird,” he said, “But I felt like it needed to happen.”
Harry pursed his lips, hands linked together as he looked at your boyfriend.
“I think we needed to talk, a long time ago. With how messy your relationship with Y/N was, and—and all the mess that’s been happening after it came to an end, I think I needed to talk to you,” Joe said, “Because it’s reaching a point where Y/N can’t catch her breath before something just, crashes down on her.”
Harry nodded.
“Look, I know I’m not your favorite person on earth,” Joe said, “And—No offense, you’re not mine either and I think that’s normal,” he put his hand out, “You’re her ex, I’m her boyfriend, and the situation isn’t ideal. It never really is. But I do respect you because you’re—you’re someone Y/N really appreciated at some point, and regardless of what happened, I know she still respects you and still cares about you because she’s just that kind of person.”
Harry, again, nodded.
“But I do know that with your status—with your place in the industry, you can put an end to all that,” he said, “It’s definitely hard getting over Y/N. I can’t imagine what you’re going through and I—To be honest with you, I don’t want to. I don’t want to be in your place, it’s not something I wish upon anyone, even you,” Joe said, “But I’m going to need you to just—to stop getting into her life like that. It’s not good for her, it’s not good for you, even, it’s not good for anyone.”
“How am I getting into her life?” For the first time, Harry spoke.
Joe sighed, “I know you still like her pictures on Instagram, you still—you’re not a stupid guy, Harry, you know exactly what I mean,” he said, “And like I said, I know that with your status, you can keep things on the down low. Give her some peace.”
“You know I wasn’t the person who said all these things on the podcast, right?”
“I’m not saying you are.”
“You’re—I think—I think you’re implying that I had something to do with it.”
“I never did,” Joe said, “But I do know that your management wants your name to be everywhere.”
“So, you are implying it,” Harry chuckled quietly.
“Look,” Joe took a breath, leaning forward a little, “I believe everything Y/N says, and I believed her when she told me that you aren’t your management. Your principles don’t align. I don’t know why you don’t take matters into your own hands. I don’t know whether it’s because you’re unsure, you’re scared, nervous, I don’t know, man, but what I’m saying is that you need to sit down with your management and actually set thing straight. Not for you, but for Y/N,” he said, “I get that they always say bad publicity is still publicity but we all know that’s bullshit.”
Harry stayed quiet.
“I don’t think you’re the worst person,” Joe said, “I think you do some stupid shit but I know you love Y/N and—and I can’t blame you for it and I can’t even ask you to just stop and move on, because having Y/N is one of the best goddamn gifts anyone can have.”
“Yeah, I know that,” Harry mumbled with a quiet chuckle.
“So all I’m asking is for you to talk with your management and do Y/N a favor.”
“Do her a favor or do you a favor?” Harry found himself asking, “Because I think—I think It seems like you’re trying to save your relationship.”
“There’s nothing for me to save it from,” Joe instantly said, “It doesn’t need to be saved. I’m confident in my relationship with Y/N.”
And that seemed to shut Harry up.
“What you and her had—that was real. It was great, until it wasn’t. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not gloating but I didn’t meddle in and ruin what you have. I waited and I kept my distance and things fell into place and it’s not my fault your relationship went to shit, man,” he said, “I’m trying to be nice. To be respectful, and I’m asking nicely.”
Harry stayed quiet for a moment before sucking in a breath, “Okay.”
Joe nodded slowly, “Alright.”
“Did you tell her? About this?” Harry motioned between them.
“No, I didn’t,” Joe answered, “And I won’t tell her.”
“She doesn’t really like secrets,” Harry said with a chuckle, joking.
“It’s only so that she doesn’t feel like I had to tell you to be a decent person,” Joe shot back.
Harry’s eyebrows went up, “Wow,” he nodded, “Thanks for that,” he sarcastically said.
Joe nodded, “No problem.”
“Well,” Harry let out a breath, “I’ll do what I have to do,” he said, “But um—Thank you, for being respectful.”
“Like I said, she respects you, so will I.”
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