#I feel like her mom being into spiritual stuff and choosing to move TO THAT SPECIFIC VILLAGE should be an important detail

[blackhallow]

Deep in Nobara brainrot rn all I can think is how Gege built her friendship with Saori from her very introduction just to randomly introduce Fumi in ch124 and have Nobara's emotional moment be about a promise we had never heard of to a girl we'd never met. Like my God this is such a weird creative decision? Saori is the ONLY person Nobara had ever mentioned from her past (mind you before ch125 we only knew about her grandma thanks to Word of Gege, Nobara had never mentioned her) then all of a sudden there's a childhood friend she treasured just as much?

Not to mention Fumi's POV in that flashback ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING. At the end of it we're left with way more questions about Nobara's past. What's the reason her grandmother isn't in one of her chairs? Where's the rest of her family? Why does she actually hate the village? We were led to believe it was because the villagers drove Saori away but Fumi's flashback stablished Nobara hated them BEFORE Saori came around so WHY? Why did she think everyone was crazy in that place and immediately latched onto the two outsiders? What could’ve happened that made a SIX YEAR OLD so adamant in hating everyone? And absolutely no insight on her being trained as a sorcerer in the countryside? Even when we know, per Nanako and Mimiko's backstory, how sorcerers can be persecuted by countryside folk because of superstitions? No? Really? None of that? Nothing at all? So we're just going to... introduce this random girl... instead of answering.... I see...

ANYWAYS either Gege completely lost it there or there is a plan that's going to make everything come together and blow my mind. I have my own theories about this and Nobara's comeback and her role in the culling games but that's a post for another day. In short—Gege gimme some info or ELSE

#nobara kugisaki #kugisaki nobara #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #Imagine all of these questions and she's just dead I think I would go swim in a pool of bleach or smth #don't even get me started on how WEIRD it was to introduce Arata and have him say it wasn't a zero percent chance #then forget about her FOR 70 CHAPTERS AND COUNTING #AND HAVE MEGUMI DEFLECT THE QUESTION WHEN YUJI ASKED ABOUT HER #GEGE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU COOKING #I'm not actually upset about the wait I GET IT but fuck breh #I just want some info man!!!!! #Also don't fucking get me started on SAORI HERSELF #I feel like her mom being into spiritual stuff and choosing to move TO THAT SPECIFIC VILLAGE should be an important detail #but this is Gege so WHO KNOWS #not to mention Saori never left her house according to Fumi so what? #ALSO THIS IS NOT A FUMI HATE POST I KNOW ONLY 2 THINGS ABOUT THAT GIRL BUT I LOVE HER AND SHE DESERVES HAPPINESS #and there's the theory of Nobara blowing up her own face??? which every time I think about I start to believe more? #god I am unhinged in these tags I just miss her #Time for my daily copium dose #real talk if we reach 100 chapters without Nobara I WILL go insane #that would also be two whole anime seasons without her i'm so unwell #txt

[last-night-is-a-blur]

I wonder which elements the girls will study in their second year. Do they each choose the next element? How long does it take for a decently talented Alphea student to get the hang of the basics of an elemement they aren’t born with? Will it be like in Avatar, where it is easier for the avatar to master some forms of bending than others, depending on which element they are born with? For example, would a fire fairy have a harder time with water magic than any other form of magic? If so, what would be the hardest for mind fairy or a light fairy to master?

If Alphea students get to choose their next element:

Aisha: air or earth, so she can mineral liquids, which she uses to invent morphix

Bloom: I remember Bloom in Winx club using telekenisis a few times, and saying she learn a plant spell from Flora. I don’t remember if I saw other fairies use it (probably, I just forgot), but the scene of Bloom floating around in the air and moving stuff around with her magic in the Alphea kitchen in s1, and dumping water on riven (also s1) just stuck with me. However Idk what kind of magic telekenisis falls under in Winx Fate is, so I am going with Earth. 

Stella: Mind magic. Winx club stella’s powers were once said to be expression of inner sight, intuition and clarity. I like the idea of Fate Stella using magic to bring clarity in a visual sense (lighting up dark places)  and metaphorical/psychological sense. That would juxtapost Luna, who with and without magic, creates illusions and hides things. Mother and daughter would thereby contrast each other in a way that symbolizes the two aspects of light magic: hiding (illusions, blinding and invisibilty) and illuminating (i.e. revealing) things. Stella blinding Rikki would represent how Stella, despite not wanting to, repeats her mother’s behaviour, and her learnign to control her magic would represent her healing and unlearning her mom’s toxic lessons. On one hand, I feel like Stella would choose a element better suited for direct combat, and that she would be interested in neither messing with people’s head, after her mom messed so much with hers, nor digging deep into people’s mind to gain deep psychological insight into them. BUT I can imagine her wanting to protect herself from mind magic, and, given the way she was raised, wanting to be able to read people better, through thoughts or emotions, despite not being interested in psychology in itself. This evolves into her wanting to help people mentally/emotionally, and help them gain clarity in a spiritual sense. 

Musa: Air. She will specialize in sound manipulation and sonic attacks. I also have this image of her using a flute (or music in general) as a medium for her magic. She can use her mind magic on everyone that hears her music, so she doesn’t need as much proximity to use her powers, and she can use it one more than one person. She also uses air magic to spread the sound wider, so her mind magic has greater reach ( in my headcanon using the magic of two elements at the same time is hard, but not impossible), or to turn the sound of the flute into sonic blasts. 

Flora:Air I am not sure why earth fairies can create cyclones, but winx club flora had wind based attacks, so I am going to pick air for Flora, which would allow her to do more wind spells, as nod to winx club flora. Plus, it fits her free spirited nature. Free as the wind. 

Terra: Water or light, to help take care of plants. I would also say air possibly, because temperature, but I won’t since I already gave Flora and musa air. 

#winx fate #Fate: winx saga #bloom peters #terra harvey #musa #musa fate #Stella Fate Winx #flora fate winx #aisha fate winx

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #368

“whatever doesn’t kill you, is gonna leave a scar”

Have you ever bought a YouTuber’s merch? My favorite shirt is the Day of the Dead design by Cloak, which is Markiplier's and jacksepticeye's clothing brand. Mom's friend/former co-worker also got me a Ninja Sex Party shirt because she knew I liked them. There are SO MANY YouTubers I wanna support by buying shirts. Do you think oatmeal tastes better when made with water or milk? Milk, 110%. Have you ever left a note in a library book? No. What time of day do you prefer to wash your hair? Morning. Has anyone ever spread lies about you? Yes. Have you ever taken a photograph with a celebrity? If so, did it turn out the way you wanted, or do you wish you could retake it? No. If you could move out of your home country permanently, would you? If so, where would you go? If it didn't mean being so very far from my family, I would love to move to Canada. Is there a celebrity that everyone else seems to love, but you find totally overrated? Why is it that you don’t like them? I legit don't know who's considered currently popular, and I especially don't know who they are as people. If you could volunteer for any charity, which one would you choose? Do you think it’s more important to help humans, or are animal and environmental charities equally important? Something relating to animals, and I think they're both equally important. Do you prefer holidays where you relax, or actually do things? I like a mix. Something chill, but you still do some stuff as a family. Do you think that after we die our spirit is still alive? Yes. Has anybody ever told you that you could be a model? Someone has mistaken me for a model in a picture I once took. It was one of the most flattering things I've ever heard, haha. Do you use different kinds of moisturizer for different body parts? ie. hand lotion for your hands, face cream for your face. Or do you just use one moisturizer for all body parts? Yes. Have you ever felt like you were someone’s rebound? No. Has anybody ever broken up with you over something really pathetic? What was it? Have you ever been dumped in a disrespectful way? (eg. through text, through a friend..) I have 100% been dumped in a very cowardly and disrespectful way; after dating Jason for nearly four years and being very serious, he broke up with me very abruptly over Facebook Messenger. His reason was valid, but at the same time, he NEVER talked to me about it. Apparently my depression was dragging him down. If he'd fucking communicated it, I would have explored new treatment options so goddamn fast. But no, he decided to snap his fingers and disappear. That's exactly WHY it was so traumatic, I think: it was so unexpected and sudden. Did you have a lot of role models as a kid? Animal enthusiasts like Steve Irwin and Jeff Corwin for sure. Do you feel like anyone looks up to you? Why or why not? God no. I'm just... not someone to aspire to be like. What was the last thing you found offensive? I'm not sure. Who is the nicest person you know? My mom. Do you feel safe in your country? I feel safe in NC, rather. Like I don't expect an atom bomb or terrorist attack or something in this obscure area. In the U.S.A. itself, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. America is definitely not loved by every other country. Do you feel safe where you live? Not in this city, no. Have you been falsely diagnosed with something by a bad doctor? Yup. Did y'all know I apparently have ADHD? I know, shocking. Have you ever had a doctor refuse to treat you? No. Name the strangest game you’ve ever played (video game or real game): The first Silent Hill, probably. It took a lot of reading to get it. Do you know anyone who has been struck by lightning before? No. Which cartoon character would you want to keep as a pet? Does Stitch count? Or a Pokemon. Do you like marshmallows? Yes. What is your favorite flavor of candy cane? I really like the Jolly Rancher candy canes, I think they are? Have you ever fostered an animal? No. Do you still take hot showers when it’s hot out? Not as hot, but not cold except on very extreme occasions. When writing $ sign, do you draw one line through the S or two? Two. What animal have you always wanted as a pet but couldn’t have? I'm thankful that my parents were pretty open-minded to what pets I really wanted, but one I was never allowed to have was a ferret because of how messy and smelly they are. List three people you’ve had crushes on: Jason, Sara, and Sebastian were probably my biggest crushes. Have you ever thrown up from cramps? No, but god have I felt close. List three people you had a hard time forgiving. Jason, Colleen, and my dad. Who is the most spiritual person you know? Probably my sister's mother-in-law. Would you ever start a vlog? God no, I'd bore people to tears. Are your dreams coming true yet? I mean, I guess in some ways with my mental health. In my deepest depression, what I have now was a dream, even though current me is very discontent with it. Most of my dreams, though? No. Do you struggle with depression? I've been diagnosed with severe depression since 7th grade. Are you haunted by your past? A few things won't leave me alone. What medical conditions do you have? Just a lot. There are even more that are up for debate. I've talked about my diagnosed conditions enough. Do you use a Magic Bullet? No. What does your apron look like? I don’t have one. What are your favorite spicy foods? Hot Cheetos, Takis, hot wings, jalapeno pizza... Man, I love spicy food. Which do you like better: being an adult or being a kid? Being a kid. Were you excited to be a teenager on your thirteenth birthday? I had very mixed feelings. Did you feel insecure in high school? Shit, I still do. Would you ever be friends with someone who was suicidal? What the FUCK is this question? No fucking shit I would be. Someone being suicidal in no way affects who they are as a person. Who was the biggest bully in high school? I don't think there really was one. What was your favorite class in high school? Art. Would you rather have a daughter or a son? If I wanted kids, a daughter. Have you ever written to an advice columnist? No. Have you ever had a doctor not believe what you told him? Maybe? I did however have an employee at the ER the first time I went try to pry out of me that my self-mutilation was for attention, and it wasn't until I insisted about a dozen times that it wasn't that he believed me. It's odd looking back that I got REALLY attached to him during that stay, knowing now that it was absolutely horrible and extremely unhelpful for him to do that. If you’re female, would you feel uncomfortable having a male gynecologist? I would absolutely refuse to have a male one. Do you like Lisa Frank? Yeah, like can you talk about aesthetic. What gives you nightmares? Boy, I wish I could tell you, given how much I have them. Were you ever hospitalized as a child? No. Did you get senior pictures taken? No. What color is your bicycle? I don’t have one. Did you ever have to take home a fake baby in health class? No, thank fuck. Would you rather wear ivory or white on your wedding day? What color will your bridesmaids wear? I'd rather wear black. I think red will be the bridesmaids' color. Would you rather have a swimming pool or trampoline? I want a swimming pool so damn badly so I could exercise my legs without worrying about sweating, and I can stop and rest whenever I want, unlike going walking or something. I don't think my knees could handle a trampoline. Do you think babies are cute? Some, sure. But a lot, not really. Do you dream about the future a lot? Yeah. Do you think about your past a lot? Way too frequently. How good are you at living in the moment? I'm trying to get better at it. Have you ever questioned God’s existence? Yeah. Vanilla frosting or chocolate? Chocolate. What’s your favorite foreign cuisine? I've actually been exploring Italian pasta lately. I'm not a big fan of foreign food that I've tried, though. Have you ever moved to another state? No. Did you do anything productive today? No. .-. Can you say the alphabet backwards? No, actually. Do you like flowers? Of course; does anyone not? Have you ever thought you were gonna die? I didn't care if I did or didn't. What kind of mood are you in today? I was honestly really depressed through most of it. Just health stuff was really getting to me. I just woke up from what was honestly like a four-hour nap and I feel all right, I guess. What are you craving right now? I REALLY want Domino's jalapeno pizza. Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance? No. What is worse, physical or emotional pain? Definitely emotional. Have you ever walked in on somebody doing something… questionable? When Dad still lived with us, I think he might have been watching... you know... on TV when I came into my parents' room for something. Idk for sure though. I didn't ask, and I don't want to know. If you were to make videos on YouTube, what would they be of? Oh god, idk. I don't want to make any. What I'd have most fun with would be reptile education, but I 1.) have literally one snake, 2.) am not extremely educated on a good number of them and don't want to be misleading, and 3.) I would run outta content fast. So, leave it to Snake Discovery, haha. Posting pictures of yourself in a bathing suit on the internet - ok or not? Yes, it's okay????? If you're talking about me personally though, you won't see me dead in a bathing suit picture. Do you typically laugh when somebody falls down? No, I gasp and see if they're okay. What is the most disturbing movie you’ve ever watched? Paranormal Entity. The ending is... a lot. Your opinion of Katy Perry, please? I like a couple of her songs. If you could say anything to your Mom right now… what would it be? "Thank you for absolutely everything."

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''leave a scar'' by marilyn manson

[purplesurveys]

1198

Have you ever bought a YouTuber’s merch?  No. Most of the merch that had been put out when I was still into YouTubers were always underwhelming and overpriced, anyway.

Do you think oatmeal tastes better when made with water or milk?  Eugh, I don’t like oatmeal. Ate it everyday for breakfast as a kid and I just want nothing to do with anymore.

Have you ever left a note in a library book?  No. I’m pretty sure that counted as vandalism or at least under some kind of violation, so I never did anything to my borrowed books beyond reading them.

What time of day do you prefer to wash your hair?  There’s no time of day for me; I just wash it whenever I feel like showering.

Has anyone ever spread lies about you?  Just a couple times when I was in like middle school but it was all very superficial stuff that I never think about.

Have you ever taken a photograph with a celebrity? If so, did it turn out the way you wanted, or do you wish you could retake it?  Nah. I freak out about the idea of meeting celebrities and always turn down or pass up any opportunity I get lmao. I don’t handle nervousness well so I don’t trust myself to be able to behave or speak properly.

If you could move out of your home country permanently, would you? If so, where would you go?  Yeah, anything to get out of this shithole. I’d love to move to Canada.

Is there a celebrity that everyone else seems to love, but you find totally overrated? Why is it that you don’t like them?  Taylor Swift. Her music’s just never fallen under my personal preferences, but I don’t actively hate on her or bash her when there’s been no reason to.

If you could volunteer for any charity, which one would you choose? Do you think it’s more important to help humans, or are animal and environmental charities equally important?  I don’t think acts of charity should be compared. Personally though, I tend to lean towards causes for animals.

Do you prefer holidays where you relax, or actually do things? My family alwaysssssss makes sure our itineraries are absolutely packed when we go on vacations. Seems like a waste of money to travel to a new place just to stay holed up in our hotel room.

Do you think that after we die our spirit is still alive?  No, I don’t believe in those to begin with.

Has anybody ever told you that you could be a model? Yeah, usually because of my build. I hate posing and being in front of a camera, though.

Do you use different kinds of moisturizer for different body parts? ie. hand lotion for your hands, face cream for your face. Or do you just use one moisturizer for all body parts?  I don’t use skincare products, though I should probably start because my skin is finally biting me in the ass and giving me breakouts 23 years later lol.

Have you ever felt like you were someone’s rebound? Nope.

Has anybody ever broken up with you over something really pathetic? What was it? Have you ever been dumped in a disrespectful way? (eg. through text, through a friend..)  I wouldn’t say it was over something pathetic. She had her reasons and I respect that. Doesn’t mean I can’t resent her.

Did you have a lot of role models as a kid?  Not really.

Do you feel like anyone looks up to you? Why or why not? I don’t know, but this isn’t a compliment I get a lot either. I don’t actively try to be a role model, so I don’t care about maintaining such an image.

What was the last thing you found offensive? My mom often throws around subtle homophobic remarks in passing. She knows I hate them because I shoot her a glare every time she does it, but for some reason she never learns...

Who is the nicest person you know?  Angela.

Do you feel safe in your country?  In a country where the president is a blatant liar, misogynist, has anger and cursing issues, and enables extrajudicial killings? Safety is a dream here.

Do you feel safe where you live?  Very technically speaking, yeah I do since it’s a gated village so nothing ever happens here.

Have you been falsely diagnosed with something by a bad doctor?  Not necessarily misdiagnosed, but I’m pretty sure I was prescribed the wrong set of medicines for my UTI last year...nothing came out of taking those pills and I felt just as sick (and dead) as I was after a couple of days. The only reason I got better was Angels’s mom is a doctor and gave me the right meds to take, which worked on me within a couple of hours.

Have you ever had a doctor refuse to treat you?  No.

Name the strangest game you’ve ever played (video game or real game): WarioWare is suuuuuuuch a weird game haha. Doesn’t stop me from enjoying it, though.

Do you know anyone who has been struck by lightning before?  Not that I know of.

Which cartoon character would you want to keep as a pet? Gary from Spongebob.

Do you like marshmallows?  Haaaaaaaate them. I never got used to its weird, sticky texture so I always take them out when they’re included in like drinks and desserts.

What is your favorite flavor of candy cane?  I don’t consume candy canes much. Too sweet.

Have you ever fostered an animal?  Nope.

Do you still take hot showers when it’s hot out?  No, I want the water to be as cold as possible.

When writing $ sign, do you draw one line through the S or two?  I do two, though I rarely have any reason to write down the dollar sign in general.

What animal have you always wanted as a pet but couldn’t have?  We weren’t allowed to have dogs as kids because we “wouldn’t be able to take care of them” – which they were right about, anyway. But we have two now, so it all worked out in the end.

List three people you’ve had crushes on:  Gabie, Andi...and that’s it, really.

Have you ever thrown up from cramps?  No. Fortunately my period cramps have never been that bad, and the only time they can be a headache is if they’re the leg crampjp that sends me waking up in the middle of the night.

List three people you had a hard time forgiving.  I don’t really forgive. If someone fucks up badly enough that I feel the need to cut them off, that’s pretty much it for me.

Who is the most spiritual person you know?  I don’t know.

Would you ever start a vlog?  Sure. I’ve always wanted to try it, but I don’t have a decent vlogging camera and am not invested enough in the venture to spend on one. In general I’m also not comfortable being in front of the camera, as I’ve already shared several times here. Vlogging does look fun though, and I definitely would’ve already given it a shot if only I felt more comfortable.

Are your dreams coming true yet?  Some of the short-term ones, sure.

Do you struggle with depression?  I go through phases of it, but I’ve never been formally diagnosed just because I’ve never booked a trip to the psychiatrist.

Are you haunted by your past?  No

What medical conditions do you have?  Do scoliosis and lactose intolerance count? Those are the main issues I have.

Do you use a Magic Bullet?  Why did I think this was a vibrator...? Anyway, I looked it up and no, I’ve never used one.

What does your apron look like?  I’ve never had to use one regularly.

What are your favorite spicy foods?  Curry, tteokbokki, ramen, samgyeopsal with ssamjang, spicy fried chicken.

Which do you like better: being an adult or being a kid?  Being an adult has a lot more freedom to it even though I have to go through heavier and deeper shit, so it’s still more worth it to me.

Were you excited to be a teenager on your thirteenth birthday?  I was heavily depressed back then, and was for a while, so I didn’t have any feelings about turning 13. I don’t even remember my birthdays up until the 15th.

Did you feel insecure in high school?  In the first half, yeah. But I started opening up more and gaining friends by junior year, so at that point I wasn’t feeling too shy anymore.

Would you ever be friends with someone who was suicidal?  I hate this question that I am simply ignoring it.

Who was the biggest bully in high school?  My school didn’t tolerate bullies so no one ever dared to be one, in the grand scheme of things. But back in kindergarten Kaira used to love targeting me - she was my big bully before she became my friend, lol.

What was your favorite class in high school? History, of course. I personally didn’t like literature but I enjoyed English classes, just because it was easy and was a guaranteed A+ in my report card.

Would you rather have a daughter or a son?  Daughter. 

Have you ever written to an advice columnist? Nope.

Have you ever had a doctor not believe what you told him?  Not really, but I’ve had a doctor be a total asshole towards me before.

If you’re female, would you feel uncomfortable having a male gynecologist?  No.

Do you like Lisa Frank?  No.

What gives you nightmares?  I don’t really get nightmares.

Were you ever hospitalized as a child?  Nope. I was hospitalized one time, and I had been 11 then.

Did you get senior pictures taken?  Yeah, for both high school and college.

What color is your bicycle? The family bike is blue and silver. Not that I could ride it, lol.

Did you ever have to take home a fake baby in health class?  No...is that a practice in other schools? That’s so weird if it was.

Would you rather wear ivory or white on your wedding day? What color will your bridesmaids wear?  White. Ivory can be for the bridesmaids, actually.

Would you rather have a swimming pool or trampoline?  Swimming pool. Trampolines are neat, but I would get bored of them so quickly.

Do you think babies are cute? For the most part yes, the only exception being if I have to be exposed with a baby/toddler that is prone to screech-crying. My patience is an extremely thin line when it comes to children like that lol and I FEEL BAD for feeling like so... but I just can’t deal with harsh sounds like that one.

Do you dream about the future a lot?  I guess I daydream sometimes but it’s nothing obsessive.

Do you think about your past a lot?  I’ll daydream or feel resentful sometimes, depending on what or who I’m thinking about lol. But I don’t stay in the past for too long.

How good are you at living in the moment?  I’m a lot better at it. It’s nice to be in the now.

Have you ever questioned God’s existence?  I did starting when I was 10, and I also disowned my religion by that time.

Vanilla frosting or chocolate? Chocolate foreverrrrr.

What’s your favorite foreign cuisine?  It’s always a three-way tie among Indian, Malaysian, and Thai.

Have you ever moved to another state?  No. We don’t even live in states.

Did you do anything productive today?  Well I had work today, so yeah I’d say I was. I had two meetings and worked on a bunch of spreadsheets and decks, so it was a pretty productive day.

Can you say the alphabet backwards?  Nope.

Do you like flowers?  Sure, but I’m not obsessed. It always feels nice to receive them, though.

Have you ever thought you were gonna die?  Every single time I get catcalled by men I always have the fear that they’d go all the way and drag me away to my death. That’s why I’m usually in shock whenever it happens and I’m never able to retort.

What kind of mood are you in today?  Super relieved because it’s Friday. A bit guilty because I had Starbucks delivered when I had already spent a lot this week, but I keep telling myself I deserve it after working all week haha. I just wanna enjoy my coffee and salmon dill sandwich in peace lmaooooo

What are you craving right now?  This salmon sandwich I ordered, so I’m hella glad I got it.

Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance?  Maybe shove, but not punch.

What is worse, physical or emotional pain?  Physical. My pain tolerance is extremely low, lol.

Have you ever walked in on somebody doing something… questionable? I don’t think I have.

If you were to make videos on YouTube, what would they be of?  I think just doing the trendy games like the Lie Detector game would be fun haha. I wouldn’t take it too seriously.

Posting pictures of yourself in a bathing suit on the internet - ok or not? ...It’s 2021.

Do you typically laugh when somebody falls down?  If it’s a close friend or a relative I’m close with, yeah. Anyone else I would immediately try to help.

What is the most disturbing movie you’ve ever watched?  Eraserhead or Under the Skin, which I didn’t even bother finishing.

Your opinion of Katy Perry, please?  I like her older songs.

If you could say anything to your Mom right now… what would it be?  Stop acting like a brat when you don’t get your way. You’re literally reaching 50.

#survey #surveys

[dailyaudiobible]

02/07/2021 DAB Transcript

Exodus 26:1-27:21, Matthew 25:1-30, Psalms 31:1-8, Proverbs 8:1-11

Today is the 7th day of February welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I’m Brian and here we are stepping through a threshold that…well…this happens 52 times every year we greet a brand-new week and around here we usually take note of that because...well…we live our lives day by day, week by week and month by month and year by year, but every time we come into a new week it’s out in front of us and we can…we can choose in advance what this week is gonna look like by simply paying attention to the posture of our heart and where things take us. And, so, it's all shiny and sparkly and new and let's walk into it with intentionality. Like let’s be intentional about making this week a bright spot of our year instead of descending into some kind of darkness that we didn’t have any business getting anywhere near. So, it’s a brand-new shiny sparkly and we turn the handle and walk-through it together. This week will read from the Christian Standard Bible. We are in the book of Exodus. We are with the children of Israel who have recently been freed from slavery in Egypt. We are in the wilderness. We are surrounding the mountain of God, Mount Sinai, and God has been laying out ordinances, essentially expectations, rituals, just the way that this newly forming people will be organized. And as I have mentioned when we got into this section, we can certainly read back thousands of years through current lenses, through our eyes now and not understand that this is radically moving the world forward, that many of the things that are being laid out here are new ways for people to conduct themselves toward one another and toward God. And we’re seen God weave a tapestry that will become a culture and He is inserting into this culture essential reminders at every turn about their identity who they are, about who God is, and about where everything is headed, which is primarily what we’re looking for in our lives as well. And, so, let’s pick up the story. Exodus chapters 26 and 27 today.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for Your word. We thank You for bringing us into this shiny sparkly new week that we get to live. Thank You. Thank You for the breath of life that we get to live and make plans and lives this week. Thank You. Your presence is always with us and we need to do nothing more than pay attention to the fact that we’re breathing to know that You are here. And, so, we thank You for life and it is our desire to give this life back to You as we move through this week as we continue the dance of life together, the collaboration that You have invited us into. And, so, we take from the Scriptures today, the voice of wisdom, that she is calling out to all the children of Adam which would be everyone that’s hearing this right now, that she is calling out, that she’s overlooking the road, that she's at the crossroads, that she’s beside the city gates, that she's at the main entrance, that she's calling out, that she is teaching us, that we should learn to be shrewd if we’re inexperienced, that we should focus our attention on developing common sense if were foolish, that she would never speak deceptively to us, that she would never deceive or pervert the truth, that she would only lead us to the truth, that she would only speak what is righteous, that we should seek her more than we seek to gain, more than we seek money, more than we seek silver and gold because wisdom is better than jewels. There's nothing, according to the Scriptures here, there's nothing more desirable, there's nothing that can equal attaining wisdom. And, so, this is something we want to carry with us into this new week, that we pay attention, that we slow down and understand that wisdom isn’t hard-to-find, she's at every corner, she's at every juncture, at every crossroads she's there. We just blow on by with whatever it is we feel like doing. We don't slow down enough to listen to what would be wise. Come Holy Spirit and lead us on the pathways of wisdom this week we ask in the name of Jesus. Amen.

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Community Prayer and Praise:

Isabel from Atlanta this is Abide in Christ also in Atlanta and I just will be praying for you. I also had a tumor in my brain taken out and then I had a stroke and then I had a bunch of seizures. So, I am fighting some different things, but the Lord has been just showing up and showing off. And I want you to know that there is a reason in every person's life and the Lord wants to use your personal story to show His grace, His mercy, and His power. So, just Lord I just want You to show up in this person's life. Show that You love, and You cherish every heart and every soul and just be such a light in their heart so that they will never feel like they are alone and never feel like You do not love them. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Hi this is Saved by His grace and happy Valley which is currently under several inches of snow but that's not why I called. It's February 2nd. I just heard DDFT talking about…kind of suggesting that new listeners do listen to the prayers afterwards. I was one of the many who didn't. When the teaching was over that was it. And, so, it's…it's not even just that the prayers become a part of it, it's because as you listen to the prayers you realize you're becoming a part of a huge and wonderful family, a part of the body of Christ and you are meeting people who will be there for you and love you no matter what. You can take off your mask because you don't need to impress anyone. Everyone’s just here because we're all hurting, we’re all hungry to know God and Jesus and we are loving one another in the process. So, I just want to agree with DDFT. I hope I got those initials right and do have a blessed day. Love you all. Bye.

Hi Daily Audio Bible family this is Preston from Sunnyvale…Sunnyvale CA. I'm calling in today to reach out to the new listeners. I know I'm not the only one and I want to share my…my story with the Daily Audio Bible. And I've been with this almost three years. I started in February of 2018. And the reason I want to share my story is that I missed the beginning. I missed the first of the year. I picked up probably about a month and a half after it had started, and I started that day. Could have been February 15th February 20th, I don't remember. But…and so at that point I think we were in…I can't remember…we were either in Exodus or further on and as well as in the gospels and since that point I've been with the Daily Audio Bible every day. And I missed Genesis, I missed the good part of Exodus that year but because I stuck with it I picked it up the next year. And, you know, if…if you're feeling guilty or like you have some sort of pressure on you to…to get it right at the beginning and you want to get caught up…well…go ahead and do that if you want but if you don't, don't feel bad. The Bible works…it works its beauty throughout our lives no matter what. Have a great day.

Good morning everybody hey it's Annette Allison from Oklahoma City and it's been a while. I've just been cruising along like everybody else is. __ cruise control. Anyway, today is February 2nd. Today’s my brother’s birthday. And for those new folks my brother has been doing a 13-year stint strike two in federal prison and he now has less than one year to go. So, I would like to pray for my brother that he has success when he gets out of prison and most of all he can resume or start a good relationship with the Lord afterwards. And I know that's a tough thing in…in prison. And you Kairos guys, I bless you and I love you all so much. Thank you thank you thank you for all your work. Please pray for my brother, just keep him in your prayers, that you know, and any of us people who have wayward children who might be in and out of the __, that things turn around. I love you guys. Have a great day. Bye-bye.

Good morning Daily Audio Bible family my name is Patrick I am out of Tennessee today is February 2nd and I heard a prayer request. It’s from a lady that talked about a little girl that was __ declaring to her she was clean, that she was worried. It reminded me of when I was young, I went to a very powerful church __. The…the church grew to huge numbers over a period of five years and we had these big prayer meetings and I was a struggling teen looking for God and I was always going down front wanting someone to put their hands on me and for a big spiritual moment to happen. And then the pastor's dad was the only one left. The entire church had finished. Everyone had gone home and the only person that was left was the pastor's dad the pastor's mum and the pastor's mom saw me praying at the altar and came over and touched him and said that I needed someone to pray with and I was in a place where I was looking for some kind of big miracle and he came over to me and he tapped me on the shoulder and I looked at him and all he told me was, “son you have to remember that Satan is under your feet.” And I feel that as a Christian people we lose that thought. We see these struggles. I still have struggles in my life, but that moment kept my perspective focused on Satan is under your feet no matter what you're doing...

Richard, man, my brother it is so good to hear from you. You are a first-time listener now it’s been several years. You used to be Richard from Mississippi back in the old days of 2018. You’ve since had a divorce and you have since gotten Covid. You're now Richard from Arkansas working with your dad and you are trying to get back into reading the word and listening to the DAB every morning. My prayer for you and my prayer for everyone listening to this is that May God bless you. May you see what God is doing and when He grants you the vision to see what He is doing may you have the heart that is choosing to say hey God I'm gonna jump on your train. I love you Richard. Know that you are not alone. Know that your voice is being heard and that goes for anyone else who wants to hear this. Praying that you might be well. In Jesus’ name. Holy Spirit intercede.

[guiltysecretpasttime]

The Airbender’s Wife (Chapter 5)

Fic update :)

Summary: Korra arrives in Republic City to reside at Air Temple Island to begin her Airbending training. As excited as she was to leave the compound in the South Pole, she was wary of living with her Airbending Master and his mysterious wife. The airbender’s wife, who, Korra realized, she has never met before.

OR

The one where Tenzin throws caution to the wind and chooses Lin over repopulating the Air Nation.

===

Korra disliked lots of things – from the odd (she did not like to brush her teeth before taking a shower – she preferred to do it after) to the passably logical ones (when dining out, she did not like sitting with her back to the entrance door).

But one of the things she abhorred is feeling weak. She hated showing any sign of weakness. For Spirits’ sake, she was the Avatar. She cannot be weak.

(Granted, this was probably ingrained on her based on repeated feedback from the Order of the White Lotus. Despite what her parents say, Korra did not think she had a childhood that was even remotely normal.)

Therefore, her inability to airbend and her recurring Amon nightmare plagued her. It was not right for the Avatar to be weak, to have these insecurities, to have these fears.

Tenzin had approached her already, asking if she was alright – he mentioned having fears and how it was okay. He was there to listen; however, she was unwilling to talk about it.

Korra glumly reflected to herself as she sat at the steps on one of Air Temple Island’s pavilions.

What kind of Avatar was she if she couldn’t airbend? If she had fears? How can she rightly defend the city (or the world, for that matter) if she was scared of Amon? These fears are her blockers from airbending – she just knew it.

She looked across the bay to the large statue of Aang, realizing, not for the first time, the large shoes she needed to fill.

Speaking of shoes…

Korra recognized the metal clicking sound coming her way.

Without turning to face the newcomer, she muttered exasperatedly. “I know, I know, Tenzin already told me. You’re here for me if I need to talk to someone.”

“Uh, actually no.”

The Avatar-in-training swiftly turned around, seeing confusion on Lin’s face. The teenager blinked. “Oh.”

“I mean, I’m here to give you an errand.” The metalbender awkwardly held her own arm, one hand holding what appears to be a carton of something heavy.

Is Lin embarrassed?

“Listen, kid, talking isn’t my thing – that’s more Tenzin’s expertise. I’m more likely to say something wrong, offensive, or abrasive – or all three combined.” That’s for sure, Korra thought with a hint of affection. “So if you’re looking to be coddled or – Spirits’ forbid - cuddled – I’m not the right person.” Lin tilted her head, seemingly trying to make up her mind about something. “But since you opened it up –.”

Oh Spirits, no. I’m not in the mood for a heart-to-heart talk.

Lin probably saw the horror on Korra’s face and held up her hand as though to stop. “I’m not going to be all spiritual or mushy about it but maybe – just maybe –just a thought, you could try and write to your mom?”

Whatever Korra expected, it was not that.

“What – why? Did she write to you about me?” Korra’s eyes widened but the earthbender shook her head. “Did you use to write a lot of letters to your mom when you’re apart or travelling?”

“Huh, no,” Lin released a sigh. “There’s this problem that we have, apart from being emotionally stunted – she’s blind, you see.”

Ah, right. Korra wanted to hit herself; she definitely would not have passed the police department’s sensitivity training.

“But no, while my mom and I aren’t really pen-pals,” Lin continued speaking. “I do know that Katara and Izumi dearly looked forward to hearing from their sons in the United Forces. I mean, sure Tenzin writes to his mother often, but it doesn’t quite have that is-he-dead-or-alive suspense in between.”

Or maybe there isn’t any sensitivity training to begin with at RCPD.

Korra mildly wondered if the eldest Beifong daughter worried the same way of her younger sister, who apparently had travelled prior to settling down. She did not think they were at that level of relationship yet to pry so the Avatar just nodded.

“You said you have an errand for me?”

“Right,” The metalbender thrusted the box to her. “There will be a Southern Water Tribe ship arriving this week in Republic City. Can you make sure to have this box of preserves included in their next shipping? I’d like to send these to Mother, but I don’t think I’ll be able to have some time off in the next few days.”

“Oh sure, no problem.” Korra readily agreed; she also supposed that she would have a letter ready by then for her mother.

Maybe Lin was right – there might be some wisdom to talking to her mom. After all, Korra figured, she did usually turn to Senna when she had nightmares as a child.

Lin must have seen something on her face. The older woman thanked her then quietly added. “But seriously, Korra,” Her eyebrows furrowed. “I know it’s not my place – but if there’s anything really, don’t hesitate to approach - .”

“Tenzin. I know I know.” The teenager interrupted, sensing the discomfort across her.

“I was going to say Tenzin for spiritual stuff,” The metalbender deadpanned. “But if it can’t be avoided, I’m here as well.”

Korra’s mind briefly went to the time that Tenzin compared her to his wife.

The airbender’s wife took a deep breath. “Pretending something doesn’t exist, or rejecting its existence, won’t help you.” Lin chose her words carefully. “You can’t find the solution to a problem if you don’t think that problem exists.”

That made the Avatar think. True – how can she face her fears when she didn’t even want to admit she had these fears?

Belatedly, Korra realized that while the airbender might be speaking of theoretical and philosophical platitudes he read from books – the earthbender before her might be speaking from experience.

Who knew what situations the scarred chief of police has faced – both in her professional capacity as a member of the force and in a personal capacity as the daughter of Toph Beifong and the wife of the currently last airbender?

Her tired green eyes were reflecting some invisible strain. The Avatar could not fathom if there were matters that the city’s defender kept to herself, matters that not even her husband knew.  

“Anyway, Avatar, try to think about what I said.” The penetrating voice broke into her thoughts. “Check-in with your mom and don’t forget to send the preserves to Katara.”

Korra peered into the box, curious about the preserves that she recalled were served whenever she took her snacks at Master Katara’s house.

“You and Tenzin have your own stock in the house,” Chief Beifong called behind as she strode off to wherever she needed to be. “You can get some from that stock to send to your parents – so don’t even think of getting one from that box.”

Korra looked up in mild exasperation, catching the smile on the metalbender’s face.

Spirits forbid Lin Beifong would come across as caring.

---

And that was why Korra found herself arriving at city hall late one afternoon that week. After making sure her letters and Lin’s package were part of the Water Tribe ship’s cargo, she figured she had enough time to explore the city before meeting Tenzin. This time she made sure to wear an ordinary Earth Kingdom outfit so as to not draw any untoward attention to herself. Then again, she thought, maybe she should not have bothered as Naga padded beside her, causing people to double-take at them.

Upon entering Air Nation councilman’s room, the Avatar-in-training sensed the agitation from her teacher.

The usually calm airbender was going through books and documents, poring on each text silently with a frown marring his face. Upon finishing each document and apparently not finding the answer he needed, his frown would go deeper (any deeper and the teenager thought his face would collapse in its own) and he would toss the document to a side table that was pulled to his desk for that specific reason.

Korra scratched the back of her head, stretched then placed her feet on the coffee table in front of her. She tossed a look at the Tenzin, awaiting the scolding that she was bound to receive.

Hmm, nothing.

She tapped her pen incessantly on the edge of the book she was supposed to be reviewing today (Air Nomad history, published during the time of the previous Avatar), making sure she was being obnoxious and distracting.

No reaction. Tenzin continued to flip through his files with what Korra deemed as his Resting Frustrated Face™ (scowling lips and reddening ears at the tips).

Thank the Spirits that she did not have any tell like Tenzin that would alert the world to what she was feeling.

Fate was funny in how he married the most poker-faced woman that Korra had the ­misfortune to have met.

She continued to tap the pen on her notebook.

“Hey, Tenzin?”

No response.

“Tenzin?”

Still none.

“Master Tenzin?”

Why isn’t he responsive?

Korra strode to the door and knocked. “Councilman Tenzin, you in there?! Hello?”

Tenzin was startled, several loose pages fluttering as a gust of wind was produced. “What is it, Korra?”

“Are you okay?” She tilted her head, one hand on her waist, and looked at him questioningly. “You seem…off.” Korra moved her hand from side to side to indicate this.

The airbender ran a hand on his face.

“Tough council meeting?”

He nodded, drawing his hands to his head, closing his eyes in recollection.

---

“I will not be the prized metalbender for your pet project, Councilman – for the reasons I’ve shared earlier.” The caustic tone matched the statement of the metalbender. The Chief of Police stood up, dislodging the councilman’s hands on her shoulders.

“Oh come now, Chief Beifong – I’m sure this would delight the masses.”

“Fortunately for me, I do not care about delighting the masses.”

“Nonetheless,” The Water Tribe councilman smoothly went back to this seat and used the gavel. “All in favor of -?”

As expected, all of them, except Tenzin, approved the creation of a task force to be headed by Councilman Tarrlok and Chief Beifong.

“Any reason for your disapproval, Councilman Tenzin?” Tarrlok eyed the airbender beadily.

Tenzin knew the younger councilman was baiting him. He had to fight this with logic rather than any emotional outburst; otherwise, his credibility on the issue would be shut down as being made by an indignant spouse of the Chief of Police.

“Are we sure that the Chief of Police is allowed – by law – to co-head a task force with a councilman, a task force created by the same councilmember?” The airbender knew it was a risk to bring up, since he did not know if such law exists but he had to try. “Wouldn’t that be problematic?” He pushed forward, seeing the doubtful expressions of the other councilmembers. “Shouldn’t we check first?”

“Very well then, Councilman Tenzin - you now have 24 hours to present the City Council with a copy of that law. Once the time lapses and no documentation surfaces, we will proceed in introducing the taskforce, myself and Chief Beifong to Republic City.” With some final closing words, the head of the council banged the gavel, signaling the end of the session. The Fire Nation councilwoman proceeded to thank the Chief of Police and read out the next item in their agenda.

Tenzin felt sick to his stomach. His wife’s flashing eyes cut to him. Her knuckles were whitening with how tight she held her fists.

The Chief of Police now excused herself from the meeting as the session proceeded to other matters. The heavy metal of her soles clicking ominously on the marble floor, door banging as her metal cable swung it shut.

---

Korra stared thoughtfully at the book she was holding and made her way to the airbender’s desk to help him. “So, what exactly are you looking for?”

“There has to be a documentation here in city hall,” Tenzin replied in a tired voice. “About involving the Chief of Police with Council task forces.”

“There’s none that would help you– Sokka made sure that the laws would allow a councilman to head a task force alongside the chief of police,” Korra snorted. “Primarily because he thought he and Toph as task force leads would be bad-ass.” She continued to thumb through a stack of binders.

Tenzin faced the teenager abruptly. “What did you say? How did you know that?”

“Councilman Sokka told me the day he was going to have the paperwork approved…” The Avatar trailed off, eyes widening as realization dawned on her.

“Did I just -?”

“Did you just -?”

Master and student looked at each other with the same epiphany.

“Korra, is this the first time you’ve have any form of connection to the previous Avatar?”

“I think so…”

The Airbending master’s face lit up. “This is good news!”

“But we didn’t even know what I did!” While elated, the young Avatar was panicking. She did not want to get Tenzin’s hopes up.

“Little steps – but this is a good sign; it’s progress! We can try connecting then entering the spirit world soon.”

Korra tuned out the airbender’s words as he began to talk about all the things that they will do next. She pulled a bound tome from one of the stacks on Tenzin’s desk.

“I think what we need is here.”

Tenzin took the book gratefully and scanned through it.

True enough, as Korra said – there was a section on police involvement with the council task force. The Chief of Police may lead a task force created by the City Council alongside a councilmember or whoever the council appointed as lead.

“Chief’s not going to like this, will she?”

Her teacher shook his head and continued to drag his finger across the page, reading the text line by line. “This must be what Uncle Sokka used to tell Bumi long ago, that he could create a task force and work with Lin. He correctly assumed that Lin would be following in her mother’s footsteps.”

“So Bumi was to be chief of the Southern Water Tribe?” This was news to Korra.

“Well, it was an option – he could be chief and/or the council representative.” Tenzin stroked his beard absentmindedly. “Even Kya could have led the tribe if she wanted to. It was Bumi’s choice whether or not to take the opportunity. He had a choice…we all did.”

Korra felt the subtext was lost on her, the meaning behind it at the edge of her consciousness but still not quite understanding what the last airbender meant.

Instead, she went back to the topic at hand.

“If Chief is anything like her mother, wouldn’t Toph challenge this law or at least make sure that she had an out?”

And there it was on the next page.

---

Within the next hour, the city council re-convened and a phone call was made to the police headquarters.

The ad-hoc meeting resulted in Chief Beifong being granted eighteen hours provide a replacement lead from her police force as well as the names of those who would be serving under the task force. The council likewise could accept or reject the candidate as well as present their own candidate.

Korra made herself scarce at one of the benches at the back of the meeting room, barely meeting Chief Beifong’s tight nod as she left the room with her deputy. Tenzin was about to follow but was intercepted by the Earth Kingdom representative.

Before Korra had the chance to sidle out of the room unnoticed, the Water Tribe councilman she saw on her first day approached her.

“I don’t believe we’ve met yet – I am Councilman Tarrlok,” The braided man bowed. “Head of the city council and representing the Northern Water Tribe. Pleased to meet you Avatar Korra.”

Korra acknowledged him guardedly. There was something about the man that wasn’t quite right but she cannot put her finger on it yet.

Tarrlok eyed Tenzin quickly heading their way. “Looking forward to working with you soon.” With a small bow, he went towards the exit.

“Korra, was Tarrlok bothering you?” Tenzin asked, concern lacing his tone.

She shook her head no.

“Be careful around him.” The airbender said but offered no additional explanation. He looked at the main hall’s clock, indicating the end of office hours, and looked at the documents at his hand.

Both of them knew fully well that Lin would not be joining them at the island for dinner today; the timer has been set by Tenzin and Korra’s discovery of the full implementation guidelines of a city-led task force.

“Korra, why don’t you go visit your pro-bending friends?”

“What?” The Avatar blurted out before she was able to check herself. Don’t get her wrong, she did want to meet up with Bolin and Mako. They still have not resolved the issue about the championship pot.

“To take your mind off things.” His grey eyes peered at her in concern.

The man was more perceptive than she gave him credit for.

“Don’t forget to go home before the last ferry leaves.”

“What about you? Is Oogi with you?”

She noticed him gripping the folder tightly. “I think I’ll stay with Lin tonight at the city house.”

---

While waiting for Lin who was at the shower, Tenzin sat cross-legged in their living room, examining the metalbender’s armor for dents and polishing where necessary.

The strategist that she was, Lin already had a short-list of people from the force who could be leads with Tarrlok. The rest of the afternoon (and early evening) was spent finalizing the plans with her team as well as reviewing the names who had signed up for the task force.

Tenzin did not have to wait long until Lin met him at the lobby of the police headquarters.

She had grumbled on the way home that, as she expected, the benders who disagreed with her non-bending/bending patrolling protocols had signed up. Nonetheless, she would be submitting their names tomorrow to the council and Tarrlok.

Tenzin was pleased to see that they still had time for a quick dinner; Lin, on the other hand, just wanted to go home and rest.

Arriving at a compromise, Lin conceded to taking out dinner but if (and only if) she gets to take a shower first before going out again. Her husband readily agreed – armor or not, that slimy Tarrlok did place his hands on her.

The phone cut through the sounds of running water. Tenzin put the armor down and reached over the table.

“Hello – ah yes, Yao. Good evening to you too – yes, Korra would be having dinner in the city. What – Tarrlok? Did he say why he wanted to cross to the island?” He vaguely heard Lin finishing her shower. “Good, please keep him off the island unless I or Lin were there. If he tries one more time, make sure to call the police station to lodge a formal complaint. Thank you, Yao. Have a good evening.”

“I’m ready, let’s go.”

Tenzin looked up at his wife, who had changed into a simple tunic top and gray pants. He placed the phone back in its cradle. Lin raised her eyebrow in askance as she bent to take her armor.

“It was Yao – no, you’re not wearing your armor tonight,” He pulled the armor away from her arms. The chief of police’s armor weighed heavily on her, both literally and figuratively. He did not want her to be burdened tonight, at least for a short while. He placed it in storage beside the front door.

Lin frowned but did not argue. She put on a coat and helped her husband into his. “What did Yao say?”

“Yao called because apparently, Tarrlok was attempting to board the ferry to the island. He can’t take you saying no for an answer, can he?” The airbender huffed in annoyance, shrugging into the outdoor coat, more to satisfy Lin that any need for it.

Lin locked the house behind them then looped her arm into Tenzin’s proffered one as they strolled.

“It’s not me he’s after now, it’s Korra.”

“Korra? But – why –.” Tenzin sputtered indignantly.

“She’s the Avatar.” The metalbender nonchalantly stated. “What better way to make a statement than get to get the Avatar at his side.”

Tenzin considered. “Well, he is all about reputation and PR…”

The rest of their walk was spent debating on where they were going to pick up their food.

Eventually, Lin recognized that the airbender had led them to Little Water Tribe.

Her husband could feel her looking at him questioningly. He simply patted her hand, still hooked around his arm.

Tenzin could not forget the words that the Northern Water Tribe representative had dropped earlier that day. While Lin Beifong remained impassive as ever during the ordeal, he knew better. He did not want her to wallow in those thoughts alone.

“Here we are.” He stopped at the window of the take-out nook of a noodlery.

It was an affordable place, newly opened under new management in the recent years, offering fare that reminded him of his mother’s home in the South Pole.

What drew him here, however, was not the promise of his mother’s cooking or even the warm atmosphere. It was a sense of nostalgia, of recreating simpler days.

Back when they were starting out, Lin and Tenzin used to frequent food stalls around the city. Most of the places they patronized have either shut down or been upscaled. The experience just was not the same.

They had stumbled upon Narook’s a couple of months back, when Tenzin insisted waiting for Lin to go home after a long shift (never mind that he had fallen asleep in her office while waiting). At two in the morning, Chief Crankypants was making herself known (last meal eaten was a steamed bun at brunch) and a sleep-deprived airbender was questioning each decision that brought him and his wife to this moment: walking around the city in search for any open establishment that could feed them.

It was by chance that they came upon Narook’s Seaweed Noodlery tucked near a dark alley– unassuming and still open. The food was cheap, tasty and filling. It also reminded them of a Water Tribe eatery they used to go to when they were younger.

Needless to say, the place became a favorite between them, particularly on late nights or when they were too busy to cook dinner.

Tonight, however, Tenzin had another plan in mind; something he quickly thought of as he was polishing Lin’s armor earlier.

His wife narrowed her eyes at him as he rattled off their order for their take-away to the staff at the window, trying to figure out what he was up to when a recognizable voice rang out.

“---Pretty boy?”

The two of them rounded the corner to look at the front door and saw the polar bear dog sitting outside, confirming that it was Korra’s voice they heard.

The Avatar appeared to be in an altercation with a group of patrons in the restaurant. No one was attempting to stop them.

“We got to stop them.” Lin was about to head into the eatery but was stopped by a gentle grip on her wrist.

“No, let her handle it.” Tenzin signaled the metalbender to remain unseen and observe.

“But Korra -.”

“Shh, let’s wait what they’ll do.” He glanced at her face, green eyes darting between him and the situation in the eatery. “Also, didn’t you know how Suyin and I felt whenever you or Bumi or Kya would swoop in to protect us from playground bullies?” He got her attention this time. “We didn’t like it.” He had to hide a smile though, for all Lin’s abrasiveness, she truly did care for the teenage Avatar.

“Why not? We were simply looking out for you.”

It’s what siblings do, Tenzin recalled Bumi and Kya telling him again and again. Truth be told, there were also a handful of times that Lin (despite being a bit younger than Tenzin) faced Tenzin’s bullies herself.

“We eventually figured that out, but it made us feel…” Tenzin opened his hands, palms up in vague explanation. “Inadequate, weak. Like we’ll always need someone to bail us out.”

The softening in her gaze made him realize that she never did think of it that way.

“Oh, I’ve never...” She trailed off.

Whack! He should have expected it; her fist hitting his arm.

“Why didn’t you tell me that? That could have saved me a lot of yelling matches with Su.”

“I thought it was obvious!” The airbender rubbed his arm.

They were distracted enough from Korra’s situation but then heard the polar bear dog give a roar in the window and laughter coming from her group.

Tenzin waited a moment to check that there was no ensuing commotion. When the restaurant went back to its usual bustling noise, he led Lin back to the take-out nook before anyone noticed them.

As they waited for their takeaway, he drew his wife close to himself by putting an arm on her shoulder.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for you or Su to feel that way,” The earthbender leaned on him and he looked at her. “I suppose it’s part of my nature, you know and…”

He interrupted her with a kiss on her forehead. “I know, dear. You don’t have to explain yourself.” He tightened his grip a bit and ran his hand on her arm, in what he thought would be in an assuring manner.

The staff put out a large paper bag from the window and placed two covered cups of cold barley tea (new on their menu). Tenzin thanked the man and paid for their meal.

Lin reached for the drinks and Tenzin tucked the paper bag under one arm.

---

Lin headed to the direction from where they came from, to go back home.

“Not yet,” Her husband gently guided her to the other pathway.

They walked to the edge of the neighborhood where a small park with benches facing Yue Bay was located.

She smiled as she understood what his intention was.

Selecting an empty bench, apart from the other visitors of the park, Tenzin placed the paper bag and began to bring out their food.

Lin put down their drinks and, using earthbending, made a small table for them, keeping in mind to level the ground before they leave.

Together they moved the food and drinks on the table and sat beside each other.

They ate in comfortable silence, Lin occasionally picking mushrooms from Tenzin’s carton and Tenzin rolling his eyes but letting her get away with it.

The meal was reminiscent of the times that they would head to the docks when they were younger, looking over the same bay with Air Temple Island at the horizon. Many late afternoons were spent there, feet dangling above the water as they ate questionable street food. They talked about everything and nothing; both of them enjoying these moments when they could get away from their responsibilities and their parents’ names.

Tenzin leaned back on the bench, sipped his tea and enjoyed the play of the moonlight on his wife’s hair.

“He’s right, you know.”

Tenzin’s gaze moved from the moon to the earthbender, who was calmly poking her noodles with the chopsticks.

“I did end it.” Lin focused intently on her food carton; it had been at the back of her mind the entire day even as she was strategizing with her team about the task force. “What if I did let you go – what if we let each other go all those years ago?” She faintly heard him placing his cup on the table. “What if, instead of being stuck with me – maybe you should have gone around the Air temples and selected perfect mother of the Air Nation?” She flicked a chopstick at him. “Then maybe, just maybe, you would not be dealing with this.”

“Lin – no.”

She pushed on, swallowing tightly. “You probably would not be having difficulty teaching airbending to the Avatar as you would have likely taught your children ahead of Korra. By now, you wouldn’t be the only airbender. You might have, I don’t know, four or five kids? Maybe even more.” Her husband took the utensil and carton from her hand, transferring them to the table as she became agitated. “Then, you wouldn’t have to deal with the likes of Tarrlok using it as leverage against you.”

He pulled her in his arms, embracing her tightly, her protests muffled against his chest. “Don’t say those things. And Tarrlok, pfft, never mind him – it’s not the first time he did that.”

“And it certainly won’t be the last.”

“He had no right to bring that up – that was between you and me.” He sounded as though he was more offended for her than for himself.

“Tenzin, I’ll never be enough.” For the Air Nation was unsaid.

“But you are. You are who I need and who I want.” He attempted to raise her head, still hidden under the flap of his coat. “My father -.”

“Your father’s time has passed; it’s yours now.”

“Lin – even if I ended up not being an airbender,” He pulled away, tilting her face to his; one hand holding hers. “I don’t think my father would have left my mother.”

“You can’t know that.” The metalbender stubbornly stuck to her statement.

“Though to be fair, I don’t think my mother would let him leave him either.” Tenzin stroked her cheek tenderly.

“Yes,” Lin released a choked laugh, a cross between someone trying to stop from crying and laughing. “A water whip would probably hit his behind faster than he can say monkey-feathers.”

Her husband acknowledged with a nod. “And, of course, they loved each other.”

She looked pitifully at him in the eye, communicating wordlessly.

What if love wasn’t enough…for them.

Times change after all. It was no longer the early post-war era where rebuilding was the main priority. Today was about marrying tradition with modernization to ensure progress.

Lin Beifong knew how much preserving the Air Nation’s culture was to her husband. Everything and anything he did likely had a link to the Air Nomads, to his father.

They both knew that he would need to ensure his political viability – otherwise, it would be fairly difficult to carry out the restoration for all the air temples, what more of reviving the expertise of the culture, drawing in more Air Acolytes and maintaining all the heritage projects.

Lin was not simple-minded. She figured out what the major attraction was for some of the Air Acolytes; her mother-in-law did repeatedly point out in their youth that the acolytes started as Aang’s fan club.

While most of the Air Acolytes truly wanted to promote and live out the tenets of the Air Nomads, there were those which were impelled by less than altruistic motives (oh, several names instantly came to Lin’s mind…). Sometimes, Lin questioned herself if preserving the culture and traditions would have been easier if Tenzin had married one of them (and she always ended with a resounding ‘yes of course’). She was sure that there were those who would be interested in being the mother of the Air Nation (she was also aware that there were also other willing volunteers outside of the Air Acolytes, if Kya’s accounts from the Water Tribes were to be believed).

Even Tenzin’s duty to training the Avatar was a tad strained by her association with him. The Order of the White Lotus had been put off by anything Beifong ever since her mother vocally opposed their decision.

(“What? You’ll lock her up – in a compound in an isolated icy tundra?!­ I don’t think that’s what Aang had in mind in letting her have a childhood and preparing her for the world.” The great Toph Beifong had yelled at the meeting where the Order had insisted that protecting Korra would mean training her in the South Pole. This was contradictory to how all the other Avatars had travelled to hone their skills with the elements. It also heavily grated on the first metalbender, who spent the first years of her life isolated from the world. “Oh yeah, sure – who am I anyway to voice my opinion? I just was the former Avatar’s earthbending master. What do I know?” She had scoffed and proceeded to tear apart what she could of the frozen ground of the meeting hall. Needless to say, the Order of the White Lotus selected another earthbending master for Korra.)

Even before the breakdown of the relationship during Korra’s childhood, Toph had not been cooperative with the White Lotus, particularly after the passing of all the members during Iroh’s time as the Grand Lotus. She did not see the point sometimes of their directives. The animosity of the White Lotus carried over to Lin, seeing that she was following her mother’s path (disrespect for tradition, disrespect for the way things are done, disrespect for the continuity of the Four Nations – they had written to her then father-in-law-to-be, in an attempt to dissuade him from letting his only airbending child from marrying the metalbender; said man scratched his head, lit the paper in flames and winked at her).

She knew that they will be checking in on the progress of Korra’s airbending training soon. More pressure would be added on Tenzin’s already weighted shoulders.

Looking straight at his concerned grey eyes, Lin Beifong knew she would do anything to alleviate her husband’s burdens; all and each one of them, especially those which would not have been there if it were not for her.

===

Previous chapters linked below:

Prologue (Contentment) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4

Cross-posted in AO3 - same title :)

#linzin #lin beifong #tenzin #linzin fanfic #legend of korra #cross-posted on ao3 #toccatina's fanfics #toccatina wip #toccatina airbender

[trashbinbackyard]

basics and environment for gilly and ipes

gals... one wholesome, one not so much

Basics:

1. What is their gender?

Female

Female

2. What is their sexuality?

Panromantic demisexual

Bisexual demiromantic

3. What is the meaning behind their name? Do they have any nicknames?

Gesiye Ikande, goes by Gilly a lot. Gesiye means genuine in Ijaw (ethnic group in Nigeria)

Her real name is Nayla Hahn Nayla being Arabic origin and Hahn Korean (her moms’ backgrounds) Though at this point no one knows her real name as she goes by Ipes which is a different spelling for a demon Ipos

4. Do they have any siblings? How many? Are they older or younger?  Which sibling are they the closest with?

She has two younger sisters. She’s pretty close with both of them, but they live on earth so she sees them rarely

No siblings

5. What’s their relationship with their parents like? What about other relatives?

She loves them but being the oldest sister she also kinda fell into that third parent role. She has a pretty big family as her parents also have multiple siblings, they spend holidays all together

She got emancipated at the age of 15 due to her parents not being able to care for her and she refused to enter any kind of foster system. She hasn’t talked to them since, assumes they’re dead

6. What would they give their life for?

Her family for sure

Honestly, nothing. No one comes even near being worth dying for. Neither is her business. If it ever came to it, she’d rather rot in prison than die for it

7. Are they in a romantic relationship? With who? How did they meet?

Mallory, met her at work. She wanted to wait to become more than just an investigator intern before starting anything but she’s smart and now she’s a fully fledged investigator

No, she has a strict no dating or banging your employees policy and since all the people she has respect for so far are her employees, there’s no one available. Also, she thinks pretty highly of herself so it’s gonna take work for someone be on the level she sees appropriate. (i myself am kinda curious where tf she and kenjiro are gonna end up) 

8. What do they believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?

She’s not religious, but does believe in some sort of good/bad place, she doesn’t really let it control her life and she tries to be good for the sake of being good (also, being mean is not nice)

No. And since she doesn’t fear life after death she feels free to do whatever the hell she likes

9. What is their favorite color? Favorite animal?

Purple. Any type of antelope, she thinks they’re neat

Black, surprise, but also really likes neon lights (you can guess what type of lights there are in her club). She likes snakes, especially black mambas

10. What are some of their talents/skills?

She’s very resourceful, quick thinking and good writer (of reports at least)

She knows how to read and push people, very conniving, and a great actor

11. If they could make a mark on history, what would they like it to be?

Idk, she’s just happy to be here

Woman has a drug empire right under law enforcement’s noses

12. How old are they? When is their birthday?

24-29 depending if time is pre-mallory vs relationship

35 (and both for them i really hate coming up with specific dates)

13. What do they do for fun?

Read, swim, enjoy coffee, cuddle with Mallory, watch animal videos

Gamble (she’s cheating), drink, have long ass baths, patrolling her club is work but she enjoys that part of her work a lot

14. What is their favorite food? How often do they get to eat it?

Something very spicy, veggies, she’s not a huge meat-eater

Due to her past drug abuse, most foods make her nauseous, so her fave is something light like fish

15. What was something their parents taught them?

Be kind and respectful, know your worth and do the dishes

Everyone is own their own

16. Are they religious?

No, spiritual, kinda

No

17. Where were they born?

Nigeria

Outer rim

18. What languages can they speak? Where did they learn these languages?

English and trade

Trade, whatever is the second biggest language on outer rim

19. What is their occupation?

Private investigator

Night club owner (that’s the side hustle to her drug business)

20. Do they have any titles? How did they earn them?

P.I, lots of school and getting a good internship

Word on the street is that she runs the biggest drug ring this side of rim, not officially though. Hard work and lots of blackmailing

Environment:

61. Which season is their favorite season?

Spring, lots of green, but not yet unbearably hot

Whenever her money comes in

62. Have they ever been betrayed? How did it affect their ability to trust others?

No, doubt she ever will, the bounty hunter (at least the citadel ones) are good people

Since birth honestly, whatever trust she had for her parents wilted away and now she won’t trust anyone unless they’ve proven themselves time and time again

63. What is always guaranteed to make them smile?

Animals, friends, the outdoors, she’s simple, just living the good life

Money, getting what she wants

64. Do they get cold easily? Do they get overheated easily?

She get cold more easily than too hot

Thanks to her metal leg all drastic changes in temperature are felt almost immediately

65. What’s their immune system like? Do they get sick often? How do they react to getting sick?

She’s got a pretty strong immune system. Doesn’t get sick that much

It’s pretty weak. She often gets flu when it’s the season

66. Where do they live? Do they like it there?

She lives in the citadel, has nice apartment there, she likes it lot

She has carved herself a place on the outer rim, it wasn’t exactly her dream but at this point there’s no place she’d rather be, has multiple apartments scattered around but her main one is on the top floor of her nightclub

67. Is their bedroom messy? What about their bathroom? Kitchen? Living room?

It’s somewhat messy, coffee cups and plates here and there, papers and journals scattered about, the whole house is like that

It’s super neat, she looks after herself. Her suite doesn’t even have a kitchen because she gets her food from the club kitchen

68. How did their environment growing up affect their personality?

Her parents influenced her a lot, she turned out good

Coming from two addicts, becoming one herself and generally being distrustful... 

69. How did the people in their environment growing up affect their personality?

Wait i thought the previous one was the same question abbgöreghaeh

70. How do they feel about animals? Do they have any pets?

Love them! No time for one tho, if she had it’s be a cat

On that note.. I think she has a pet snake in her suite, its got a huge terrarium for it

71. How are they with children? Do they have any? Do they want any?

Love them, she’s good with them, she’s definitely the fun big cousin for her small relatives. Doesn’t have any but might want one? She feels she’s too young still

She doesn’t hate them but would rather no kids see her, ever. Doesn’t have any, doesn’t want any

72.  Would they rather have stability or comfort?

i mean.... with stability comes comfort. But she’d choose comfort

Stability, life is already one big uncomfort for her to begin with

73. Do they prefer the indoors or outdoors?

Outdoors

Indoors

74. What weather is their favorite? Do they like storms?

Sunny for sure, storms are nice when you’re inside and in a secure place

Loves rain and storms, they also make ppl gather inside more

75. If given a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and nothing to do, what would happen?

She’d doodle, they’re not great but i’m Mallory would love whatever she’d draw

If something, she’d draw a middle finger for investigators to find

76. How organized are they?

She keeps her work very neat and packed, everything else, not so much

Very much so, everything is neat and organized and hidden away, that’s key to getting away with doing what she does

77. What is their most prized possession?

Her badge, or a stuffed animal from her home

A single memory card contains mountains of excel sheets, it’s either always on the move and hidden or locked away, never in the same place for longer than a week

78. Who do they consider to be their best friend?

Mallory, she’s sappy like that

Juicebox comes the closest

79. What is their economic situation?

She’s comfortable, not super rich but not going from paycheck to paycheck either

Oh she’s loaded

80. Are they a morning person or a night owl?

Night owl

All the best stuff happens at night in her opinion

#my mom called in the middle of writing this and that took extra 20 mins safohghaeuhb #ipes has a pet snake and it's only slightly disturbing when she feeds it live mice #though from what i know snakes dont need to eat that much they can go for long without a big meal #it's a spoiled little noodle for sure

[heistmaster69]

pariet lilium (5)

 pariet lilium chapter five by @heistmaster69

warnings: a little self deprecation, blaise and theo making fools of themselves, otherwise none.

A/N: we are now in GOBLET OF FIRE1!!!11!!1!!!11! I have been waiting to get here, i wanted to start my story here but i thought i’d give some background before we get JUICY. enjoy loves!

a very nice and good and lovely 1.8k words

chapter one / chapter two / chapter three / chapter four

gif by @basicamenteno​

~

It was the same thing, every time. The same nightmare Frankie always had, ever since the second to last week of her second year. A third year boy, tall, with kind blue eyes, floppy brown hair and a smile that could give you butterflies. His name was Spencer, but everyone called him Spence. He was a Gryffindor, with strong shoulders and stronger bravery, playing as a Chaser on the team. Frankie met him in the Library, the sunset was shining through the windows-he looked like he was glowing.

“What are you reading?” Frankie looked up and her stomach fluttered. 

“I-uh,” She laughed. “Um, it’s a book on the spiritual plane.” 

“Advanced stuff for a second year.” He nodded towards the chair across from Frankie. “Can I sit here? The rest are full.”

“Hey!” She scoffed “I’m the same age as you, I just started late. My parents didn’t want me to be the youngest in the class, or something.” 

“August birthday, huh? Still, spiritual stuff is fifth or sixth year-you’re an overachiever.” He smiled, sliding her copy of Magic and Spirits: A Guide across the table, looking into the page Frankie was reading.

“I’m Spencer.”

“Is it weird to say I know?” They shared a chuckle, before she added; “I’ve seen you play Quidditch, of course. I’m Frankie.”

“Is it weird to say I know too? You’ve thrown one too many bludgers at my face,” He slid the book back to her. “You’re good.” Spencer winked. 

But after that, his smile gets distorted, twisted, sickeningly into a wicked grin. The butterflies, the fluttering, changes instantaneously into nausea. Heat rolls over Frankie, and she feels like she’s choking, not in the good way, either. 

“Spence?” Her eyes were glossed over, sore.

“What is it, doll?” He leaned against the stone of the Hogwarts corridor.

“Spencer, are you messing with me?” Frankie couldn’t meet his eyes. “I heard you. I heard you talking to Cedric.”

“He’s my best friend, I talk to him every day.”

“Did you ask me to Hogsmeade on a dare?”

“I-what?”

“Don’t lie to me, Spencer, please, I heard you.”

“I’m sorry Reed, they told me to.” He didn’t even care, his eyes were cold, barely the smallest glint of remorse.

“I trusted you. I hope the galleon is worth it.”

~

August 31, 1994. 15 years ago today, Francesca Josephine Reed was brought into the world at St. Mungo’s hospital by her mother and her father. Since that day, the two ‘parents’ have been waiting to ship their only daughter to a wealthy, pureblooded heir to a notable family name and fortune. They cursed Francesca for being a girl and spent every waking hour ignoring her existence, wishing she would be 18 already so they could try for a son, free of any distractions. But of course, no one could know of their contempt for their daughter, so, yearly on the last day of August, the day before students return to Hogwarts, her parents throw Frankie a ‘party’, which is just an excuse to show everyone how well they raised their kid. Only, they didn’t raise Frankie. Kendra did. 

Kendra, her tutor. Kendra, the kind woman with sad chestnut eyes that sparkled in the sun. Kendra, the one who taught Frankie everything she knew. Kendra, the one who acted like her mother when her birth mom pretended she didn’t exist. And Kendra is gone. Died in her sleep from Dragon Pox. The only family Frankie had, gone in her sleep, like she never existed. Her mother had insisted that Francesca was; “Better off without the blood traitor.” And Frankie had to bite her tongue, tasting metal and seeing red, while those who were supposed to love her most showed that they, truly, didn’t know her at all. 

This ‘party’ was more like a stuffy ball for uptight pricks with wallets bigger than their brains. A ‘show and tell’, per say, for those who had surnames worth showing. Her parents got a chance to play dress up with their favorite doll, spewing distasteful comments about everything they didn’t find up to par.

“This should be flattering, I guess,” She started, laying out an emerald green gown with long, translucent bell sleeves and a sweetheart neckline. It was gorgeous, but due to the way her mother had worded it, Frankie didn’t want to wear it. Yet, if Frankie refused, her mother would make her life hell. “Do you want to wear it?” As if I have a choice. If I say no, yikes.

“Yeah! Thanks.” Frankie ran her fingers over the soft fabric. A silk bodice with a flowing, sheer, skirt. She would look like a princess. “I’ll see you downstairs?” 

Her mother was already out the door.

~

The clinking of champagne glasses and the sounds of hushed conversations echoed into Frankie’s room. She laid on the bed, hands intertwined, unwilling to go greet the guests downstairs.

“I feel like I’m watching a muggle movie. A princess sprawled across her bed just to look cool.” Frankie sat up, seeing Cher and her smiling dark eyes, wearing a golden satin gown, contoured to her body. “You look amazing. The only thing missing is your tiara.” She cocked her head and outstretched her arms. “I missed you, Frankster.” 

“Cher, you whore, I missed you!” Frankie slid off the four poster bed and tripped into her friend’s arms. “You sexy beast, you get more gorgeous every time I see you-that includes when I blink.”

“Well I could say the same to you.  The curves on you are unreal.” Cher poked Frankie’s hip. “But you know why I’m here. It’s because you’re not down there.” 

“I know, I know. The longer I wait the more annoyed she gets. Every year.” 

“Let’s go, Frankie. Happy Birthday!” Cher held out her arm and linked it through Frankie’s. 

The estate had an exterior of brick, with white trims and pillars making it swallow the appearance of anyone approaching it. A tall fence encased in forest green hedges, locking the Reeds away, keeping them ‘safe’ from everyone and everything else. The interior was cold. Always cold. The long hallways and staircases were so dark. Wooden floors would creak below her footsteps and she was lonely. Always alone in the cold, dark house that felt too big and too small all the time. 

But tonight? Tonight she wasn’t alone. The first day all summer that she saw her best friends. She felt the fog leave her head as she saw them one by one. Cher, next to her, Daphne at the bottom of the staircase, standing next to Pansy. Theo and Blaise talking to a pair of French girls in silver dresses, and Draco.

Oh, Draco. How could he get more attractive? Frankie had hoped the lack of contact over the summer would etch away her feelings, but they remained, ever as persistent. 

His eyes lit up when he saw her, but they shifted quickly away from Frankie. Cher. She had to make sure her smile didn’t falter, so as to keep the perfect daughter facade from slipping. 

“Happy B-Day, Frankster!” Pansy crushed Frankie in a hug as soon as they reached the ground. “We missed you, as usual.”

“I missed her more!” Daphne wrapped her arms around her in a more gentle way, giving her a tight hug that felt like home. “Theo and Blaise better pull themselves away from those girls soon, I give them fifteen seconds before they find out they’re dating.”

“I want some love. Where can I get something like that?” Cher whined.

Daphne placed a hand on her shoulder. “Baby don’t worry about it, you’ll get that.” 

“Yeah, but at least in Wizarding France people can marry who they want. If only Bartemius Crouch Senior wasn’t a bigoted prick-”

“He’s on his way out anyway. His denial of You-Know-Who is going to give him the boot. We can just hope whoever comes in next will support us. If not, living in France it is.” The girls shared a sigh, looking over their shoulders to catch the end of Theo and Blaise’s conversation with the ladies, it appeared to have ended with an awkward handshake and a brisk walk away. Draco was caught up in a boring discussion with Torquil Travers and and a Carrow. Seemed to be very dull, as he kept sending glances towards the group of teens near the stairs. He was swirling a glass full of something dark, family ring adorning his hand. 

“I feel really bad, you guys.” Theo said, rubbing the back of his neck. “We were talking to them for like, ten minutes, I bet they think we’re creeps.”

“No, Theodore, the way that conversation was going, they probably thought we were dating.” Blaise wrapped an arm around Theo’s shoulder. “I don’t blame them. Sometimes I wish I could be in love with this sexy beast.” 

Theo patted Blaise’s arm. “I feel the same way.” 

“With that, my loves, I must go forth and mingle, or face the silent wrath of my mother. Happy birthday to me!” Frankie hugged Blaise and Theo, then moved throughout the room, having boring conversations about politics, how school is going, what profession she should choose, or just small talk to pass the time. She had an alright time, sipping chilled butterbeer and having quick, fun conversations with her friends in between long, drawn out ones with tired purebloods. Draco didn’t have the time to talk to Frankie.

After the party it was quiet. Quickly hugging her friends and returning to her room to check her trunks for her return to school. Frankie knew she didn’t foget anything, but she couldn’t seem to calm her mind enough to be tired. She also couldn’t unzip this dress to save her life, so she came to terms with the fact that Frankie would be sleeping in this elegant ballgown tonight. 

Her room was her safe place, smelling like lemon and vanilla, with candles on her desk giving it a calm, orange glow. Plush pillows on a four-poster bed, silk sheets and a velvet throw. It was luxurious. Too luxurious. She sometimes felt like an impostor in her own home, undeserving of the riches her family name allowed her. Sitting on the edge, Frankie pulled her journal out from her pillowcase. She outstretched her arm and opened her hand, palm towards the ceiling.

“Pariet lilium.” It came out as a whisper, but immediately, deep red rose petals materialized from her palm, unfurling into a beautiful bud, then into a flower. Frankie could feel the satiny touch of the petals on her skin and watched as the stem emerged from the bottom of the flower. It was beautiful. 

Frankie lifted the rose to her nose, inhaling the floral scent and beginning to relax from the long day.

She was just about to lie down when there was a knock on her bedroom door.

“Chess?”

~

TAGLIST I FORGOT PEOPLE LIKE MY WRITING OOF: @chaotic-good-gemini ily

#pariet lilium #draco malfoy #draco x reader #draco fanfiction #draco x y/n #draco x hermione #draco malfoy fanfiction #drarry #blaise zabini #theodore nott #slytherin #harry potter #harry potter fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic #draco x oc #draco malfoy x oc #oc #hogwarts #pureblood #tom riddle #smut #draco smut #draco malfoy smut #draco malfoy x reader #draco malfoy slowburn #slowburn #smutty

[lainieab-blog]

「bree kish & cisfemale」⇾ applebottom , lainie, the sophomore radcliffe student’s records show that she is a sagittarius and 24 years old. she is studying biology, living in moris and can be idealistic, sweet, disorganized & superficial. when i see her i am reminded of picking strawberries, fae gifts, & long dresses. ⇽「nt & 18 & cst & she/her.」

𝐇𝐄𝐋𝐋𝐎 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘𝐎𝐍𝐄 !! my name is nt, im 18 n use she/her pronouns. i’m the mun of the ever so innocent lainie applebottom !! by reading down this you’ll learn more about lainie, her past, & some wanted connections i have for her !! if you would like to plot, feel free to press the heart & i will slide into your dms. however, if d*sc*rd is easier for you to plot my discord is alt forest witch#3002 !! ( tw: teen pregnancy, cheating )

𝐇𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘

born on december 16th 1995 in ann arbor, michigan, lainie was born to two wealthy engineers. they were super excited to have a child as they spent seven years trying to no avail, and they were counting on lainie’s personality and interests to reflect theirs.

naturally, as she started to grow up & have interests of her own, her parents weren’t excited. she was obsessed with fairytales and folklore.

her parents didn’t approve of her interests bc fairies and other creatures like that weren’t real despite lainie’s constant complaints that she had friends who were gnomes, she’d even shown them a “gnome bite” which concerned the couple. ( not too much though, she’d once confused two mosquito bites on her neck for a vampire bite )

though as she grew up & her interests expanded into astral projection, tarot, and astrology her parents began to support her more. slowly but surely they’d learned that she was her own person, not required to be exactly like them.

at age sixteen she’d met a boy & started dating him. though shortly before her seventeenth birthday, she discovered she was pregnant.

telling her boyfriend and parents was the single hardest thing lainie had ever had to do and still is to this day. luckily for her she was met with support from not only her parents but her boyfriend & his parents.

decided against going to college to take care of her son and got engaged to her boyfriend!!!!! they eloped on their 2 year anniversary and lainie was looking forward to the future.

everything was great until her 22nd birthday when she discovered her husband was cheating on her. he had been for years & lainie was too naive to see it. she left him & took her son with her.

embarrassed and broke, lainie moved back in with her parents where she applied to different colleges. she ended up choosing to go to radcliffe despite it being out of state. her parents agreed to move with her to help take care of her son.

she lives on campus because she “wants the whole college experience” but always sees her son every day.

majoring in biology because she wants to do something in that field, but she’s not 100% sure what exactly she wants to do.

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘

has always been idealistic and very sweet, rarely shows a negative side to herself to others despite being extremely judgmental and at times suspicious.

superficial and disorganized in everything she does, she tries her best to hide how disorganized she really is as a person. this mainly applies to her at times being an emotional mess, but can also apply to how messy she is.

forgetful at times, she’s got lots of things going on her in head so it’s sometimes hard for her to keep track of everything.

lainie is a sagittarius, so she craves freedom, adventure, and independence above all. being married stressed her out at times, but her husband was an aries so he knew how to keep her fire sign ass interested and on her toes.

after being cheated on, lainie has a general distrust of everyone except her parents, son, and close friends.

dislikes skeptics and those who don’t believe in all of her witchy things, don’t test her she will talk shit about you to her spirit guides.

always down to read someone’s tarot if they ask nicely!!!!!!!!!!

scared of yet intrigued by the urban legends of campus, catch her going to investigate with her protection necklace and crystals.

cannot deal with her problems, the only time she’ll run is away from her problems. or if she’s being chased, but even then it isn’t a guarantee.

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

maybe a coven?? of other witches or people interested in spirituality !!!!!

a polar opposite best friend !!  someone to listen to her ramble on about how much of their sign they are and kind of get into it, but would never admit it.

a study buddy or group, she needs people to keep her focused.

a babysitter!!!! someone who supports her as a single mom trying to get her education & wants to help out.

someone female or nb that lainie has a crush on but doesn’t realize it’s a crush because she’s still in the closet.

a guy she tries to distract herself with, maybe she’s leading him on or he thinks he’s leading her on and has no idea she’s trying to prove she’s straight.

someone who knows she’s secretly kinda mean and doesn’t like her.

a rival in a class or just a nemesis.

ofc stuff like fwbs and hook ups are always wanted as well!!!!!

give me anything n everything thank u

#ruhqintro #teen pregnancy tw #cheating tw #this is kinda bad bc i am a lil bit baked but #pls hmu !!!!!

[morningstarlucemon]

((So, this is a super personal thing that relates to my beliefs. So if you don’t wanna read cause you’re not interested, that’s totally cool. This is gonna be OOC and stuff. I just wanna post this here cause I don’t feel that I can openly say this anywhere else just yet. It’s not really safe for me in case bio family sees it. But I’m just... really excited and wanna talk about it. So if you’re interested, read more is below. There’s a TL;DR at the bottom if you want.))

So, anyone who knows me personally in any intimate manner might know that I’ve struggled with my beliefs for a really long time. I was raised super, super Christian, and even though my family was non-denominational, and we didn’t have a lot of religious “rules” like in mainstream Catholicism or anything similar, it was still really oppressive to me. Parts of my mental illnesses were blamed on demons and went untreated, and actually aggravated with the methods used to “help,” namely my OCD. To this day I have ticks that were programmed into my thought patters based in prayers I was taught that became compulsive habits rather than soothing mantras. And since I was very young I’ve been in a really precarious place with my faith.

I wanna say first and foremost, I don’t think Christianity is bad. I DO think the way people carry it out is harmful. But I don’t believe the faith as a whole is bad. I think that any religion practiced by someone for the want of peace and personal fulfillment without harming others is good so long as it makes them happy. I’m only saying that Christianity as I was taught it hurt me, and the people who taught it to me hurt me. And I now have a very uneasy relationship with the faith as a whole.

For probably around ten years or so, I’ve been a very... nihilistic person, not out of choice, but out of a compulsively logical mindset. If I didn’t have proof of it, my brain didn’t wanna believe it. It still doesn’t. I don’t claim to have ever experienced any proof of the supernatural. But I didn’t wanna call myself an atheist. I WANT to believe in something, anything. But any time I try, the logic part of my brain steps in and demands proof. And it’s been slowly killing me for several years, choking off my spirituality and adding to my depression. It didn’t help that, although I was too logical to believe in anything, I still had the fear and guilt that came with believing I was gonna be sent to hell. I had all of the guilt of religion, and none of the personal peace or fulfillment.

I have spent the last few years of my life talking to people of other faiths and lack there ofs-- atheists, agnostics, Lokean, Wiccan, Catholic, Voodoo practitioners, Heathens, Jews, Muslims, Hedonists, Multi-Theists, Hellenists, and a lot more, as well as several variations of Christians. But no matter what I tried, nothing seemed to fit. I couldn’t settle back into Christianity, no matter how much I tried to fit myself into more secular and relaxed sections of the faith, it never felt welcoming or comfortable. I could never get away from the guilt. But I also never felt attached to any other faith I dabbled in, either. Nothing clicked. I felt present and welcomed, but I didn’t feel at home.

I’ve been working in therapy to really explore myself, and doing a lot of self-reflecting. And part of that has been looking back on what I’ve identified with through the years. And something I have always gone back to was Dark Angels and things associated with Death. When I was very little and my Mom would watch Touched by an Angel, I’d ask her about the Angel of Death, and she would explain that he was not a bad person, but that he was someone who would come take us to Heaven when we died. And that stuck with me. I’ve always been drawn to characters who were outcasts, logical thinkers, people who thought of things with raw data and not pre-conceived ideas, and, of course, those associated with Darkness. Duo Maxwell, Treize Khushrenada, Lucemon, Violet Parr, Levi Ackerman, Rorschach, Raven Roth, Laura Kinney, Vaal Hazak, Sephiroth, Howl Jenkins Pendragon, Adrian Tepes, Black Shucks, Damien Bloodmarch... I never could put my finger on what they had in common until now. All of them are outcasts who think differently than society as a whole, many of them with dark or complex morality or emotionally injured themes about them. I have always been drawn to the darkness, even since I was a little kid. And I think, because of the fear I was taught, I denied and lied to myself something that I’m fairly sure I’ve known for years.

After really learning what other beliefs are, that they’re not all goat sacrifice and child rape, and learning the actual principals behind them, I think I might finally be ready to choose a title for myself and my belief set. After years of introspection, and debate, and self-exploration, I, for now, when it is safe to do so, will align myself with  Luciferian Satanism.

I have chosen this faith for many reasons. Lucifer expects nothing from me, not even for me to truly believe in them. Do no harm, and take no shit. This faith allows me to still be a kind human being, but also to not let myself be hurt and abused as I’ve been in the past. It is the first thing to slightly allay my fear of death in years. It recognizes that life is sometimes shit, but that we don’t have to live in existential dread all the time because of it. Sure, this life is piss sometimes-- but what the fuck is sulking about it gonna do? I might not be able to change the world, but I can make a few people feel better for a little while. I don’t need to search for the meaning in life-- it doesn’t matter if life is inherently meaningless, cause I am here, so I’m gonna have fun. And I’m gonna help others have fun, too. I’m gonna be kind to people because it makes me feel better to know I’ve made someone else feel better. Yeah, it’s a selfish motivation, but that’s what all acts are motivated by-- the want to feel better. And that’s very much okay. There’s nothing wrong with helping people because it makes you feel good, knowing that someone else’s day was improved by you. I don’t need an entity threatening me to make me do good things, and I don’t need praise from humans. I can worship myself, I can love and care for myself, and that’s not only okay but expected. Things aren’t good or bad just because society says they are. Things are good or bad because of the effect they put out into the world. It’s okay to be weird as long as you’re not hurting anyone else. I don’t have to always speak as others do or move like they do. It’s okay that I’m on the spectrum. I don’t have to pretend to be normal. Whatever comes for me, I’m gonna embrace it with open arms, and will take control and improve what I can, and ask for help when I need it, because I’m alive and I chose to try and be happy. I don’t need the promise of heaven or any afterlife to make me happy. If one comes, that’s wonderful. I hope I’m surrounded by people I love and who love me.

I’m not going to lie and say Lucemon didn’t have a part in me realizing I’m a Satanist, because they definitely did. I don’t think I would have ever been willing to even truly consider it if not for this angel. But I want to clarify one thing, as some of my friends seem to be a bit confused. I do believe I am kin with Lucemon. I do not believe myself to be kin with Lucifer, Satan, or the Devil. I may have a shard of them in me, but I lay no claim to their power except what I’ve been allotted in this life. I will absolutely claim myself and my power and title as Lucemon, Demon Lord of Pride in the Digital World. But I at no time want to claim to speak for Lucifer or have any right to his power.

On a similar note, I am not in this belief for the power. I don’t expect Satan to bestow me with a silver tongue or armies of demons. I do wish to become stronger in magic and charisma and use of my natural abilities to get what I want, but I intend to work for these things, not have them handed to me. I recognize that I have nothing Lucifer could ever potentially want, except possibly, maybe my understanding. I have nothing I could offer that would be of use to them. So I won’t try to barter for something I know damn well I’m not entitled to. I intend to work, study, practice, listen, and learn to grow my power. Lucifer expects nothing from me, I expect nothing from him. I only wish to devote to them my heart and respect because I feel a kindred spirit within them.

I believe Lucifer to be an enlightener, a symbol of progress, logic, exploration, love of knowledge and acceptance, and seeing things without bias. They may exist as a concept, or as an actual entity, or something in-between, or something totally outside my comprehension. Regardless of the nature of their existence, they bring me peace, and I find speaking of and to them to be soothing and helpful to me. I also do not feel that my devotion to them will interfere with my offerings to other gods. Lucifer is not tyrannical. Lucifer is not Jealous. They want only for me to be kind, and be myself. And that’s all I want.

I’m getting super tired, and I’m really rambling at this point. But I really wanted to state all this somewhere. I’m so grateful to finally begin to have something to take solace in. And I intend to accept this and further growth, regardless of where it takes me, openly and thankfully, as holding back has only hurt me. I intend to further research my stance, and potentially am looking into calling myself a Warlock. I understand that term is typically given to you by others as a derogatory term, and is used for those who have been expelled from their covens. But with that said, I HAVE been ejected from everything I knew before. I’ve thrown much of it out in favor of healthier beliefs and practices, and I seem myself as not fitting in with where I was and as something of an “other.” So I feel this term resonates with me and what I am and want to be.

So, yes. TL;DR: I consider myself a agnostic Luciferian Satanist, and am hoping to study and grow fully into a Warlock. This has given me peace I haven’t had in many years, and I am happier with this than I’ve been with anything else since I was a child.

Thank you all so much for listening to me. I love you.

#☉ Out of Wings (ooc) #personal #HIGHLY personal #religion

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

“So Happy Together” Analysis

i don’t sleep

tl;dr: tbh not much to go off on about. i think we see a new skin for Iron Bear, one with some stripes. amara smiles, i do talk a little bit about little sisters in bioshock but tbh i think this was all just a stylistic choice lol. oh and handsome jack’s masks- probably Mount Jackmore. i don’t want to get to freaked out over jack returning, but damn gearbox lol u had me there for a second. im pretty sure it’s just a reused cut quest from bl2 that they never got to implement. 

EDIT: here’s all the cut content in bl2 (plus all the non-cut content as well for funsies). you can go to the cut quests and see the audio files for claptrap’s jackmore quest

holy shit can i just vomit all my emotions rn, they’re all good so imma do that so im rational when i start analyzing stuff okay? okay! 

holy shit that was fucking great and im really glad i tempered my expectations to something smaller than i thought because i feel bad for people expecting something huge, i was under the assumption we’d be getting a new mechanic that was like ‘choose ur +1 and they’ll be able to play the game with you if you’re both online even if they don’t have the game’ which was what someone said on reddit. altho im sure the poor company is gonna get spammed now with hate like ‘WTF YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE BUILT THIS UP AAAA’. not to lie, i was slightly disappointed it wasn’t a longer stream, but i mean if they’ve got nothing to announce, they’ve got nothing to announce and HEY! new trailer!!! gonna be combing thru on the assumption this has some easter eggs like the MoM trailer did, just in case. i thought it was a cute trailer, gearbox never explicitly said what it was gonna be, a lot people all just assumed what was gonna happen was a demo/beta which sucks so i hope this doesn’t negatively impact people’s perspective of the game. im staying off reddit for now bc when i first checked it people were pretty pissed and i dun need that negativity lmao

okay! emotions are LOCKED behind closed doors. i am shifting into study mode. here we go boys/girls/those of us who know better. haven’t done one of these in a while, let’s see if im rusty at all.

claptrap! and the skull on the chair which reminds me of tyreen’s “favorite skull”. 

tv says “we are under attack, please stand by”

and afaik claptrap is near the beginning of the game, you can see part of the recruitment center behind him when the camera pans.

im thinking there might be something in the roses, specifically the hand-drawn roses later on in the trailer. will be keeping an eye open for that.

this is specifically a jakobs brand chest. i really like the see-through aesthetic of it

intro area of the game again. possible hint to the opening cutscene? tbh i was worried that’s what we were about to get because i haven’t finished the roughs of my mock up lol

so what i didn’t notice my first time through is that you can then see claptrap, also being shown in the chest

waving up at the camera. that’s not trippy at all or anything lol

this car in the foreground (with no one driving it, mind you)

randomly combusts, looking quite like elpis in that one shot of the claptrap presents pandora trailer. wonder if that means it’s gonna ‘splode.

ohhh it spins. please no spin imma get motion sick blech

shot of some cultists. one appears to have a jetpack near the bottom right there

another explosion to the beat

the shock wave!!!! that’s awesome

shock nomads cultists are back. f in chat for our shields

another cultist seconds before he gets blown to bits

it cuts to black for a secco as it moves thru said explosion

another cultist, i assume a psycho

finally some good fucking angles

heh.

idk what i expected from someone who’s first action skill line i ever heard was them shouting MAGIC WALL!!! TAAAADAAAAAAAAH

as a side note

who is shooting those lasers

we see them coming from behind the VHs, but

there’s nothing there

SPOOKY~

they’re coming from... the wall???

tfw u shot urself in the foot on accident

amara is not amused

`is this some human custom i don’t understand yet`

also i hate that i’ve done this exact dance before when i took dance classes as a kid

with less style of course, i was like 7

moze is into it, hell yeah

this reminds me a lot of Kingsman. where all the blood is like fireworks and stuff. i wonder if that has anything to do with the psycho brainwashing. like little sisters in bioshock. they see roses instead of blood, right? maybe there’s something like that going on with the psychos

i’d certainly hope our vault hunters aren’t brainwashed, anyway.

this dude looking SHOCKED to see that tho, lmfao

i relate to this man on a spiritual level i stg

man he looks pissed

omfg lol

“um”

“i guess this is okay”

the body language in this is gold i am just having the time of my life

adsfdgfhgjhgfk

this is so cute

also in retrospect, i think this is one of the turrets we see on promethea. i wonder what it’s doing here!

moze u ok?

oh nvm she’s into it, look at her! she’s dancing! She’s Dancin’!

oooo one of the robots from the we are mayhem trailer! okay you can totally see why i think they’re jakobs, RIGHT???

iirc this is a maliwan soldier

man this is a crossover event, isn’t it?

i get it now. togetherness. i gotchu gearbox.

some maliwan ships in the sky. possibly sanc-iii on the right? or a ship of the same model as sanc-iii!

this is a magitek dropship, change my mind

eh, they both start with M, fuck it.

no idea what fl4k is doing here

mayyyybe shielding themselves from the ‘firework’/confetti shower

i like that the confetti explosions are backed up by purple, you know like eridium/slag/siren powers. seriously, maybe this is just how to cultists see us Vault Hunters and the mass murder.

at the very least, the psychos.

fl4k’s into it. i wish we knew the name of their skag, if it has one. i hope it does.

well now the lasers are coming from the other side! what the hell

moving on

i think this is the HBC from the speakers, plus im pretty sure that skull and the stained glass are the entrance to mouthpiece’s arena

we also get a different colored explosion. im paranoid jack is somehow making a return (please god no), so i’ll just note it’s the same color as his eyes.

AND the chests are vomiting out gold guns, which i think, gold-plated gear, is the cult’s way of signifying standing. which im sure is a tongue-in-cheek commentary as gearbox gives out a gold weapon pack as a pre-order bonus. no, like, it even shows up as an ad on the video

smh gearbox lmao

oh, also, the cultists are doing fuckin flying impressions

im not saying its a reference to the cultist with rakk wings on the cover, buuuut

bitch it might be lol

it’s an upside-down vault symbol! ive been trying to figure out what that is in those screens for the longest time!

back on promethea and we get to see fl4k’s spiderant in action

their skag, too, of course

the jabbermon in the back there, too! i wonder if they’re going to be shock or cryo. i would imagine shock given how they’re glowing

also i love the way the flowers look in contrast to the character models

moze is so happy aw

i love the way fl4k’s skag comes flying in and slides to a stop. such a good doggo ;-;

this is beautiful, i want it as a wallpaper

moze skipping? holy shit

100% verified the best thing i’ve ever seen

i lied. this is.

is this the fast travel station effect?

also! IB is looking a bit different

i wonder if this is a redesign or if IB is wearing a new skin moze picked out

pan over to zane who clearly doesn’t notice the being of darkness and horror in the doorway

oh also, we’re on eden-6 now. which would explain the fast travel effect

psychos dancing on the rooftops lol

oh god my eyes

nothing to really say here, i just like this screenshot

pink shields booyah

this is so fucking cute

we also get a better look at that one facility on eden-6

is that... red i see? >w> i won’t say it i won’t i won’t say it i swear i just- ATLAS

fuck

i like that zane’s clone spawns with his melee attachment

not AS excited as the real life version though

GB pls let this be a zane emote

is that a varkid? on eden-6?

wtf is a varkid doing on eden-6???

more shots of the facility btw. reminds me a lot of sanc-iii so maybe this actually is the supamax mfg construction facility like i originally thought. hmmmmmmm

ah yes, of course

holy shit what is this a reference to?

im told it’s the sex pistols

the back of the bullet turns into Athenas

pans in

amara!

enemy with a top hat on. some variation of/upgraded gravedigger? it’s like a psycho but recolored with blue pants and a top hat. you can see it fall off when amara shoots him

y’know, these guys

some rakk in the background

i am hoping bc this is a celebration of togetherness we’re seeing all enemies everywhere, not that the planets don’t have their own unique fauna.

she’s so happy omfg

oh, you want some?

Uhhh then there’s THIS sequence

they’re doing the flying thing again lmao

there’s also whatever that black blob is on the left. a spaceship maybe?

car wheel

all their eyes started glowing red. uh oh gamers

also another fast travel effect

hmmmm... zarpedon is that you??

back on pandora.

“super 87 racetrack”, maybe this is near that motorcade fast travel we saw?

huzzah! rainbows!

i do believe that’s sanctuary-iii

another ship. drop ship?

elpis is looking nice this time of year. definitely not explode-y. yet.

pret-ty sure that’s iron bear. moze is standing atop the tower lmao

also! back to it’s old paint scheme. looks like moze was using a skin or smth

we also have this. are my eyes failing me or is that a big cross on the left? could be where jack was buried. 

also i know there was cut content in bl2 about Mount Jackmore! and this looks like a Mount Jackmore to me. it’s a cut quest where claptrap asks you to basically ruin the thing. but since the quest was cut, it’s still here in bl3. maybe they’ll reintegrate the quest lol

i can’t imagine it being roland’s gravesite. because it looks like the below.

i do know we’re going to roland’s grave in bl3, but the statues don’t really match up. maybe it is and the statues were broken, or ruined or something and replaced by a cross. could be then that the gravesite was defaced with, well, the guy that killed him. 

im really hoping jack doesn’t make a return. im fine with dealing with what he set in motion, and his influence, and probably even some ECHO logs and movie trailers, but please, for the love of god, don’t actually bring him back, AI or otherwise. im really excited for the calypso twins, i’d really hate to see the focus shift back to that guy. he’s had his fingers in every borderlands game. it’s time to let him go.

idk what this is exactly. it looks like maybe that weird eye bot troy stands next to in the intro for the behind closed doors panel?

goodbye mr magical jakobs chest, it’s been real

the RC now has red drapes going down it. have those always been there? i don’t remember those

hmmmmmmmmm maybe we’re looking at it from the back 🤔

anyway, that’s all she wrote. i haven’t see any hidden morse code messages or anything yet, but if something surfaces, i’ll be sure to add it here.

#borderlands #bl3 #borderlands 3 #so happy together trailer #oof #tumblr fought me on posting this like 7 times

[talix18]

November 22

Today I learned what a Japanese tuxedo is (in terms of tattoos) and that David Lee Roth at 65 has more energy in one hour than I’ve had in my entire life put together. I started listening to his appearance on Marc Maron’s WTF? and spent most of that time laughing or with my jaw hanging open. I lost track of Diamond Dave after his stint as an EMT. Now he’s an entrepreneur with a line of skin products formulated for tattooed skin. Gods bless.

Listening to Dave describe his formal music education made me wonder if that’s not what I ought to go back to school for. Music is the thing I love the most but have little actual education in. I took a beginning theory class in college and some sort of classical music appreciation course in grad school; I even played viola for two years in junior high. I guess by the time I got to college I’d ruled music out as a thing one could start studying. One of my high school friends had been playing cello for her entire life and I remember her missing various activities because she was practicing. She’s now making a living with her cello and I guess her example made me assume it was already too late.

Katelyn and I were talking about going back to school the other night. She’s learning young just how hard it is to make new friends once you’re out of school and I think she’d enjoy it, but we’re both looking at our wallets wondering how to pay for it.

School is one of my happy places. I loved learning, I loved feeling my brain work, I hated studying for exams but loved the feeling of understanding the material. I loved explaining to the class what the teacher meant when they couldn’t parse it and I loved making outline after outline of my study notes until I’d whittled the course down to bullet points. I love having conversations with people who are smarter than I am.

I briefly considered pursuing a Certificate of Higher Learning from Oxford because how cool would it be to be able to say I’m an Oxford alum? The majority of classes can be attended virtually, which is where I admit that I don’t just want to be taking classes by myself. I have a wealth of Great Courses available anytime I want to go ahead and start taking them. I want to Go To School. I want to meet smart people. I want to be surrounded by that energy and excitement again.

Now I’m looking up Eddie Van Halen and learning that he’s been in radiation therapy for his cancer for five years and was just in the hospital after a bad reaction to the drugs. Getting older, as my Gram used to say, ain’t for sissies. Love died for me when Eddie and Val got divorced but I’m glad they’re still friends and I’m thrilled he’s been sober for eleven years. I’m not sure I would have survived a rock and roll lifestyle, but then again, I’d rarely be driving.

(Speaking of the brothers Van Halen, how did I never know their mom was Indonesian? Now I understand why Alex’s eyes have looked vaguely Asian to me for all these years. Apparently Valerie has a cooking show and shared Mama VH’s recipe for something that grabbed Mom’s fancy so I can look forward to that!) (Don’t tell her that I’m a little meh on ham for Thanksgiving. She’s finally cooking Brussels sprouts a new way and I am calling that a win.)

(Mom found a recipe YEARS ago that uses Guinness and had faithfully made her “Relapse Brussels sprouts” every year since. They are fine, but they are mushy, and having seen the way, truth, and light of fresh Brussels sprouts roasted with salt and olive oil, I don’t have the heart to tell her that the Relapse BS just aren’t my favorite.)

This is my fourth day in a row of feeling pretty good, and that’s on less sleep than I normally get. I really hope this is because the medication is working. It’s hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other when you feel like you’re doing it in three feet of water. But I’ve been productive at work and at home and actually considered taking on a work training challenge today. I even started my Christmas shopping! (I hate much of what Jeff Bezos stands for, but goddamn if Amazon doesn’t alleviate most of the Christmas crazy.)

The increased meds are not helping the words come out! I have rare free time in front of a keyboard and nothing to say? Maybe that *is* a sign of increased mental health.

December is flat out insane in my family. Thank goodness my aunt moved away with her 12/4 birthday! There were birthday dinners with Mom (12/2), my aunt, me (12/20), and my dad (12/26). My brother’s birthday is also on the 20th and he’s continued the tradition in the latest generation – my niece will be five on 12/1. Her Aunt Lindsay has decided it’s time we start taking her out for birthday dinners. Basically, the fulcrum of the year tips at Thanksgiving and is just a steep slide into New Year’s. (Which I actually have plans for!)

Christmas shopping is so anxiety-laden for me that I have bad dreams about it all year long. (It’s always the same: December 23rd, I’ve purchased nothing, and the only place open in Walgreen’s.) I can’t enjoy the holiday season until I’m relatively sure what everyone’s getting and honestly, I don’t need any more stuff. Just being together and enjoying yummy food is enough for me. The holidays also mean the Hebert Christmas punch tradition from which I’ve been excluded for this will be the 24th time (I can drink anything I want! I choose not to!). My family are all wine and spirit drinkers and most of the time I look around it, but the holidays really make me miss that fuzzy festive feeling.

So how does one achieve that without using? I need to get back on a meditation routine and I need to make upside-down yoga part of my weekly life. Upside-down yoga always made me a little giddy and we rarely invert in the class I take now. I also need to try on my New Year’s Dress and assess how vigilant I have to be between now and then to make it work. I was having some success with an intermediate fasting routine where I’d restrict my calories for two (non-consecutive) days per week. The beauty of that schedule is that I can maintain it through the holidays. I should have just started this week after the colonoscopy.

But I also had a pretty severe mood crash last year and fasting is not for the unstable. Yes, I’m an emotional eater but you know, I’d rather eat my feelings than wish I could opt out of life. I know how to lose weight; necromancy is above my spell level.

Did I ever mention I was a witch and practiced in a coven for a decade? I’ve just gotten to the 20K word mark and it’s likely I’ll start repeating myself any time now. The coven was made of some amazing people but the actual business of witching just felt too much like work. I went in looking for a spiritual experience and what I got was a delightful social experience. That required a lot of time and 40-mile drives and the stagnation of my 12-Step recovery in that decade was not a coincidence.

Yesterday I got to whip out one of my favorite recovery slogans on a friend: “Religion is for people trying to stay out of hell. Spirituality is for people who’ve already been there.” It doesn’t hold up once you consider religions that don’t have conceptions of hell, but it’s catchy.

(The NaNoWriMo website helpfully breaks down how many words one has to produce per day to get to 50K by next Sunday and it is a little overwhelming. I only need 2235 more today to stay on target! [I am not staying on target.])

Somebody give me a topic! (Give me a beat!) Oh! Yesterday I emptied out one of my spare room dressers, which is something that’s been on my project list for, oh, a long time. All I have to do is patch the hole and that room will be ready to paint, which will let me do the floors in that room and the front. With that done I’ll have my closet annex and yoga station all set up and I will finally live in my entire house. And it should inspire me to do the last three rooms.

I’m excited to set up these last two rooms as functional spaces. I can’t tell you what’s taken me so long to surrender to the idea that I need a room-sized closet extension but look…I have to grab joy wherever I can find it. Waiting for the big stuff to fall into place just takes too long and this bizarre timeline provides plenty of reasons to despair. I don’t understand how people can spend eight hours a day in cubes that aren’t decorated and I am not going to limit myself to one of my life’s compulsions if I have room to store it all. (Vanessa is in Tennessee shouting “You’ll never have room for another person in your house that way!” and I’m shouting back “You and your person bought a new house!”)

I do love my house, though, and getting me out of it is going to take some extraordinary conditions. With any luck I’ll meet a life partner who also loves their house and we can commute and share. I still won’t have enough wall space to hang everything I want to; perhaps a rotating gallery space is required. Says the girl who can’t manage to swap the screens out for storm windows and vice versa every year.

#f**k fifty #nanowrimo

[halfusek]

BATIM SPOILERS AHEAD

SECRET MESSAGES FROM CHAPTERS 1 - 5

With a sort of analysis/shitposting on my side? Yea.

Chapter 1

There is like two walls with these, that’s a lot. Is he... aware from the beginning now? I mean someone’s crossing this and Henry is implied to be leaving these messages so...?

Choose your fighter.

Ok wow harsh.  Haven’t you seen all these cool AUs in his house?

Also can I just point out how... Joey... literally... drew... the Studio...

Oh, my bad.

He drew STUDIOS. Because the damn thing keeps happening over and over again.

Oh fuck if that’s the case then that is clever. I made puns about him drawing the studio before, wish I did something with it before Chapter 5 dropped, that would be hilarious to look back at fvdfjkvnfkj

That’s just depressing. But like... yeah...

Wow Henry you must be a proud mom now

Hey remember when DAGames played Chapter 4 and was interrupting Alice Angel’s monologue by telling her to stop watch him poop

It spells “There never was a choice.” (never underlined)

Those messages are either hilarious or straight up depressing.

It’s... kinda sweet how Henry from the past (pasts) helps his future self (selfs). And encourages.

I’m pretty sure she’s got many hearts in her stock.

STOP WATCHING ME POOP

Henry what the fuck

The falling human made out of the two Ls, the Y and the splatters above it-

Fuck.

GASPS NO WAY

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He is not the creator of the cartoons. He is the creator OF THIS WHOLE FUCKING STUDIO AND EVERYONE IN IT. Like it’s maybe a sort of obvious thought but when you let it sink in... damn

Rest of the chapters under the cut because it’s really long

Chapter 2

ARE THOSE IRL BODIES? YES? NO? SYMBOLS OF THEIR SOULS BEING TRAPPED HERE? WHAT???

Do you remember that? Or only slightly? Oh man. “I should have warned him” thoughts and then you get a pissed off boy in Chapter 5.

COME ON NOW

Ok. How. How did you write anything there. When. The only time he’s aware would be right after Sammy hits him with the dustpan. So is he like fainting and writing it? So he wouldn’t be able to write anything else like SAMMY IS GOING TO KNOCK YOU OUT WITH A FUCKING DUST PAN because yeah he’s passing out so it’s just... OUCH! Also to confirm this he is facing the way he’s facing when he’s on the floor. God that’s both shitposty and depressing. Nice.

Henry don’t be a dick

So you do sing 👀

I wonder how Henry figured out walking backwards to not trigger the Demon here and write this specific message. Also is Joey behind those closed doors because there’s the whistling.

Is he cooking

Chapter 3

Oh, hi.

Excuse me what

Henry is a Jacksepticeye fan confirmed

Joey is a man of ideas... and only ideas.

Which is why he created a studio, an OC based on a person he has a one sided crush on (me) from who he stole and claimed their OC as his, also made that stolen OC a thing and then made both of the OCs fight in an infinite loop in the massive studio which is behind his kitchen.

This both has a literal meaning but is also like a deeper general thought Henry do you want Joey to create a therapist OC you seem to have some problems

Why do these coffins hurt so much

Who are you asking Henry because Alice sure won’t fucking read that And why won’t you just write it with regular ink why you gotta do it like this

Why does he keep this thing secret? Did he make it? Probably since he’s the one leaving the messages Hmm

I fucking wheezed.

But also imagine Alice just giving her speech and Henry writing something on the wall with his finger Unless he doesn’t write that in a literal sense but like... spiritually Huh

THEY HAD DRINKS TOGETHER AND JOEY WAS PAYING FOR THEM AWW

He’s so fucking gay I swear to fucking gods.

Let’s hop on the existential crisis train, choo, choo.

How can you be kind to people who try to murder you

But this. This. Is such a good fucking work/life thought like damn. I love this game for those.

But are those just some thoughts Henry wanted to get out of his head or does it have something to do with the game because I’m kinda getting pacifist/neutral/genocide route vibes from this. But it it’s not the case it’s still pretty neat, we do meet them, we just don’t have the choice to treat them in some way most of the times.

It’s on level 14 and damn you game damn you yet again. I guess it can also be applied to that moment when The Projectionist is reaching out for Henry who is hidden in the Miracle Station? Like we don’t know what to expect of him because he had that small moment of realisation of... something. And he is also one of Henry’s “old friends”.

Is Is Ink Demon killing The Projectionist a symbol of Joey’s jealousness like Norman: *reaching out in curiosity, maybe to help* Joey: >:( my fren

Chapter 4

Thanks. Roll credits. So Chapter 4 is intentionally pointless in the terms of Henry trying to save Boris. THAT’S FUCKING SAD STOP IT

NOT. MY. DOG. YOU. BITCH.

So Henry is catching up. Joey does regret all that shit he did. I wonder how exactly does it tie here, with Bertie. Maybe that theory I had about Bendy Land being Hell for Bendy? :0c I don’t really think so but that’s a thought.

I’m losing my shit.

Okay that seems like another woke thought.

Henry can’t change not being able to save Boris.

Joey can’t change all of his mistakes. But Joey is the one making it happen over and over again so it might be slightly pointed at him?

Like, pal. Stop dwelling on your mistakes. Move on. Let me the fuck out.

This game is really heavy with this problem:

Move towards your goal, hope, believe, dream, don’t give up. Well actually do if it’s like super hard.

????? This is such a deep uuhhh analysis of this like one of most basics functions of how we people fucking work and live, what keeps us going. Holy shit I am IN LOVE with that.

But oof yeah Henry was and IS the one good at pushing Joey to do the right thing. Man...

Instead of trying to cheer you up lemme just write this message you can’t read real quick.

THAT WHOLE FUCKING THING WAS POINTLESS AND I’M LOWKEY MAD

;_; holy lord sweet baby jesus

Can Henry like be fine fun concept Meatly please

I suggest giving this a read if you as I weren’t familiar with that expression https://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/09/23/heels/

Of course it’s a pun on “Time heals all wounds” expression. The word “heels” there refers to contemptible people. Earliest citation: 1934 and it got more popular around that time till something around the 50s-60s according to that website at least. Neat.

That is interesting. I guess we can associate the door with Joey as well since Henry warns himself not to go through them? And the Demon drags Projectionist’s corpse through them. Sorta against his will, heeeeeeh.

They look like they could be interactive but I dunno :0c

Oh, yeah. That two-faced motherfucker. That’s my bitch.

HE GAVE THEM FUCKING NAMES

Chapter 5

I feel like it was kinda exaggerated. Henry they like saved your life twice or so, how salty can you be

OKAY LET ME TELL YOU ONE FUCKING THING

AT FIRST WHILE PLAYING I THOUGHT JOEY WROTE THOSE BECAUSE

I mean why the fuck would they drop this star outta nowhere AND HE IS EXTRA LIKE THIS

But then again there’s this “Don’t go through the door”

Unless Joey did contact him through this as well? But I’m assuming it only because of the stars vfnjksd Idk I like when symbols actualy uhhh symbolise something

ALSO YOU KNOW WHAT’S INTERESTING

This is pointing at ANOTHER way. Without the boat. Possibly the Valued Employee (take the long walk) achievement?

I would check it right fucking now but my saves are fucked and I would have to replay everything again and I’m just too tired hhhh

Also Valued Employee does sound like someone who listens to their boss right?

And I’m getting the impression it’s not all Henry’s writing because it seems as if there is a different personality present? Idk

That sounds like sort of both of them. Joey is cheering for Henry, even if he’s planning to make him go through all of this again. Does he... have to make him go through it? That’s a bit odd. Joey nani the fuck.

I like the idea of Joey saying this ok lemme dream vskjvnskjvs

But it could be Henry (past/present/whatever) trying to cheer himself up like he did with the “Don’t be scared” message (if that was also him)

Oh, Henry...

Once people That implies that real people got somehow affected, right?

I love the halo and the bone, also you can see the bone only if you give it to Boris in Chapter 3

Wait It is The whole fucking Ink Machine Is inside Holy

A cooking gay.

Ink Demon/Joey parallel implication. I don’t think he is Bendy in a straight up sense though. He is/was a soulless boss, just how soulless Bendy was/is. I wonder if there is a studio version of him or HHHHHH complicated stuff

Is it like When people create something good but they just don't know when to stop it eventually ends up really bad And the Demon took The End so his cartoon couldn't be finished and it all had to keep going, Joey had to keep going Hm?

So like there is no message on Henry’s second desk

But it does trigger the same dialogue AND IT HURTS

Actually a lot of people missed the arrows so just so you know

But I thought we don’t like doors

Also it’s the last hidden message so I do believe it has a special meaning

CONCLUSION get Henry outta here and give him loads of therapy

Is his fucking last name Stein because he made monsters via the Ink Machine by powering it goddamnit Joey don’t trick people into creating that shit

#bendy and the ink machine #batim spoilers #bendy and the ink machine spoilers #chapter 5 spoilers #halfpost #long post #long fucking post #oh my

[gideonprewett]

Today is two months since my mom died. It still feels weirdly unreal. At the risk of sounding callous, I didn’t think it’d affect me this much. I think more than mourning her I’m mourning the loss of what I wished she could be. I spent so much time and energy trying to do whatever I could/ be whatever I was supposed to so that she’d love me. Harming myself emotionally, physically, mentally, and probably even spiritually in the process. The past few years I pulled away from that but it was a process. One that I was nowhere near done with. It’s freeing not to have that pressure to be something I know I’m not. That I couldn’t be even if I wanted to be because the line kept moving, it was never enough, it would never be enough. Even after I started pulling away from that I still put a lot of pressure on myself to change how I reacted to her. There was a lot of energy expended both in interacting with her and preparing myself to interact with her. Looking at it now, no wonder I was always exhausted. Life was a minefield from my earliest memories to her last few days. There was never going to be a good relationship there no matter how badly I wanted it. It’s not okay but it is what it is. My mom wasn’t a good mom, she probably wasn’t even a good person. But she’s dead. None of that can change now. Being mad at a dead person does no good. I feel like I can finally let go of all the stuff I’ve been trying to let go for years. Forgive myself for all that wasted energy. Love myself for being the sort of person who tried even when it was clear it was going to end in failure. It’s not my fault that my mom wasn’t the kind of mom I needed. I didn’t deserve my childhood. I refuse to carry this with me into my future. I can forgive her for whatever it was that made her the way she was and choosing to stay that person instead of being better. And forgive the people still living who believed what she said about me, still believe it. I don’t need their approval. I don’t need to redeem myself in anyone’s eyes. And I don’t need to tell them the things she said about them. It’s sad that it took her death for me to finally be able to close that door and release all this toxic ness from my life but I can forgive myself that too. I did the best I could. I tried my hardest. Now is the time for letting go and letting myself grow. I won’t be weighed down by it anymore. No guilt, no regrets, no anger. Just release and peace. I can have the peaceful life I’ve always wanted even if it’s just peace with myself. I don’t need to burn down the house (myself) to do it. I feel ready to move on to the next part of my life lighter.

#i just needed to type this out for myself #finally letting myself process my feelings and such

[thingalien-blog]

Memories are the things that hold us to the conception of who we are. Without a basis of the past the present is entirely nothing. However when it comes to trying to recreate a basis of who you are when your entire rational concept is falling down around you like jenga blocks you have to only live by faith that it will get better. That reality will somehow fix or mend itself.

A girl I know named Onne had a rational view of the world. Magic was something that happened in her dreams. Not raised with any basis of religion, miracles were things of fiction, hopeful yet not realistic. Loving Harry Potter as a child, movies about ghosts as well as magical abilities excited her yet this wasn’t apparent in the “actual” world. Onne saw herself as another brick in the wall. Not special, not anything. She played sports in school, did theatre too, as well as speech and debate. The world showed her this was it. Brief glimpses of tragedy struck her life, she got into some fights, ego disagreements with people. She became depressed after being assaulted at a party. This depression grew a longing within her for more. An attraction to spirituality gave her a purpose. However, reality was still appearing stagnant. People were all one yet all separate entities just like her. She didn’t have a purpose. It was fine with her. She became really active on social media as a vegan eco warrior instead of her previous ways of highlighting her sexuality as well as arguing with people who wouldn’t approve. People liked how she selflessly cared for defending the beings of this world. She thought it wise to share every bit of wisdom she had. It was entirely too personal at times.

Her parents made her go to college after high school. She was reluctant to go because of her annoyance with the way school was. Exams to her were a large waste of time, college didn’t seem to be a way out of anything. Joining the working world seemed to be lifeless. She persisted, going anyway. Every day she drove 30 minutes to class, then 30 minutes home. It was boring. The only relief she had in life was her boyfriend which she barely loved, love is also a fictional form of magic she didn’t understand. It was nice to have some attention, when people stroked her ego it gave her a purpose. Relationships were intense for Onne. Fights happened often. She blamed her parents. She met an online guide a facebook group where she posted a lot of her personal life, getting advice she didn’t get in the world. Thinking it didn’t exist outside the basis of the group, there became more of a reason to isolate herself from the others.

Onne had an idea to go to Hawaii for university like one of the girls in the group did. She seemed very happy there. She had a boyfriend at the time who was upset she was leaving. Onne and her family also went to Hawaii after her highschool graduation. Eventually her parents paid to let her go. Her mom went with her bought her some things like sheets, plates, a blender, for the dorm. Having a roommate was weird for Onne. Before this she posted on her social media that she was a nudist. Oh, also she was doing nude modeling online for money on the side as she barely made some working tirelessly as a daycare worker for 4 gruesome years. So she liked sleeping alone, naked. Anyway, being a weirdo on social media with followers yet positive vegan girl whos never lived anywhere but Las Vegas with her parents she didn’t know if she’d make friends. She did make many friends. She was nice, really down to Earth. Too much for her own good honestly. She met a lot of different kinds of people. She loved nature. To her it was a paradise, for the first semester. A group of friends instantly came to her side, she loved them. It was nice to have people to always go to the dining hall with or hangout where you lived. It was always happy with them, however there wasn’t much of a depth she craved in human connection in the group setting at least. They were always there for each other though. She met people who she had a depth with, which developed into growing her capacity for human connection further.

Each of these people ignited a fire in her she didn’t realize she had. Romantic or sexual feelings came for some, however it was not the same as before she had left. There was a new freedom to it the depth created. The classes she was taking also seemed to synchronize with the experiences she would have in the world with people, as a sociology/ philosophy major. She also moved into her own room, where there was plenty of time for contemplation. Then came the books she found which were about magic, mystical things. These combined happened to ignite a light in her mind that is not capable of becoming dim, only growing stronger. Onne had a very hard time expressing her thoughts to people however. She had never been confident in public speaking or speaking her ideas to people in general. Years of awkward communications with people, social media speak, watching more movies then talking to people probably add to this, yet she tried. Taking a communications class she tried, yet backed out of presenting herself to others out of fear. It didn’t matter, as long as she trusted herself she believed it was fine. Maintaining communication with people she trusted as well as just being with herself meditating she got answers she needed. Power moves, competition within communication she didn’t realize it as a facete of everything. She began getting real good at being with her own energy.

Eventually things in her reality became super synchronized. There were things going on she didn’t know how to explain. The manifestations of her mind, the past present connection all exploded on her quite fast. She got a thrill of it, yet realizing how everyone is a channel to her about her, everyone knows everything puzzled her. The simulation unraveled, her life was finally for her. The world sang for her, every song was actually for her. Especially conversations at the music joints. Even the entire university musical. Each word in the books matcher her thoughts. Every second, every person, everything in her reality. She got up a level, however, was stuck in a sort of limbo there, without a guide. The idea to leave the island came quick. She felt trapped, having the bright idea to move to Oregon. She left behind a lot of stuff, those few nights before she left were very intense. The thing she wished she had right now was the papers with the comments her teachers made underlined on it, giving her an insight into the truth of her writing. Going to the airport saying goodbye to a good friend, who gave her a folder filled with advice for her. She noticed some boxes that said GF that scared her. Onne also recollected the beach said, “science and technology.” Packing up was a total nightmare, she knew she had to leave a lot however she didn’t realize the whole thing was like a “you’re getting to live in the US” she literally had to open a card with her social security card in it as well as her friend having a mini sombrero in her truck. Winter break going home was not like this at all. Going to the airport in a lyft the next day she noticed the same “science and technology,” sign. Her whole energy was different. She felt like she could take over the world yet she was afraid of things. Another close friend took a picture of her and put it on his story. Everything got so personal. Every person spoke for her, everything on the TV at the airport for her. She mattered.

Onne didn’t eat much of anything that day. She went through the radiation thing at the airport empowered instead of afraid. A kid said “why would you choose to be a girl?” another two guys said “she needs to swallow.” She found a classmate of hers in the airport who was going back to Alaska, she said she would be in the ocean there. Onne joked saying there’s pools in Las Vegas, looking back she was wondering if she missed something. Onne lost her keys in the airport, they were in a place she didn’t put them at all. She called her mom, the music got louder at the airport when she mentioned Handmaid’s Tale, her mom asked her if she was sure she wanted to come home. Sitting waiting to board the plane, she heard someone say “she’s not related to anyone.” She felt so all knowing. She was all encompassing. She sat in between a couple and a man. The man had a pillow news paper like with things such as “America now a nickel ” he pulled out a book which was for her, so did the lady with her husband. His book said “your ego is too big.” he said he worked for state farm. Onne thought, no way, I have not felt this powerful in my entire life. Her book said “you will be going with the CIA..” her husbands said things about god, the 4th heaven or something. Her book was describing the turn of events which would transpire once she landed. The movies on the screen were very personal too her especially, Juliet naked. The flight attendants spoke of things also for her, furikake chips, head shoulders knees and toes as well as people seeming to evaluate her with these health pens with the fuzzy hair saying, “she will do this again, she will be a teacher”. Onne got upset, feeling like she messed it all up. She was losing face. Wondering how to redeem herself she just wanted to stay quiet, trying to meditate, breathe, feel the energy. Onne got nervous, being in a confined space, talking to this man which reminded her of someone she knew, the couple too. Onne wrote something about the roles we play in her notes sporadically after noticing the man do it next to her. The woman then said, “that just blows your agency don’t do that.”

Afterward, she found herself walking through the airport. The man she sat next to look incredibly concerned as she walked away, he stood next to his wife. Onne grabbed her stuff, realizing nothing was or will ever be the same. She saw a book that said “the Urban Indian.” She was everything. She saw an indian woman wearing florence the machine shirt, which her songs were written just for her after the night with a friend/lover in this personally haunted house. When they broke it off his friend also said he was the destroyer of worlds, jokingly yet she would hear this in her head for a while after as things got increasingly more weird.

Pig flew on plane to deliver a pizza. The delivery was to the west world. In the west world lived her parents who she has lived with her whole life. The west world this time was different for pig. Pig scientifically learned how to accelerate past the sound barrier either with her friend Mouse or her own magical ability. People always talked about Pig. The tv always had something just for her. It didn’t before or maybe she didn’t notice. Pig enjoyed this as much as it got in the way with her focus ability. Pig is so used to telling her truth, she doesn’t wanna talk. There are many ways of speaking that go un spoken. Pig is big in uncovering the hidden. Pig sees things as being programmed in her. Like pig is something created by something else or in something created by something else. Pig delivered the thing. The thing was poorly received. Pig didn’t know what to do she hates being displeased or displeasing others. Carly the cat is good friends with pig they are one in the same. Carly realizes that there’s a lot in common with Pig. They work together to communicate. Carly the cat also delivers things like batteries. The past memories they loved talking about together. They also enjoyed puzzles and making collages. Nostalgia always arises when she sees a post from a friend online there it can go into a collage. They once went to a boarding school together after they went to separate universities, that’s where they got quite aquatinted. This boarding school housed many animals studying various things, nursing, labor, agriculture, science, and robotics just to name a few. Things got overwhelming for Carly but not for Pig as she got comfort in the fact that at least there were the small comforts such as food and clothing to get her through the day. Carly thought it was much to rigorous and different compared to any school she had been to before. No one had told her it was this hard however Pig was there for her to lean on. Carly fought when things were unfair, Pig took what she could and powered through tough lessons like robotics and animal testing. Reading books and watching movies was something they both enjoyed as well. Carly starred in a few movies as she partook in acting as a hobby.

Her parents arent really her parents and in this hell every single scary movie shes seen is becoming real while every happy comedy romantic piece of lies she resents. Typing this hearing the words from her once clear as day real father say “im sending her back,” back to a psychiatric hospital as they lie, where it’s really just walmart for humans. I don’t even care anymore to write this in hidden calligraphy. This is coping. This is reality now. Red pill in blue pill light. Acting is only fun when you get paid. I signed my rights away I think. I asked to see the paper again and was told they weren’t there. If I am being lied to I have it in writing that I didn’t know what was going on. I signed for PRN which i didnt understand what that meant. I was in a psycho numbed state and my own beloved or supposed to be beloved father tricked me into signing it. I am distraught. I am tired of lying. I am a cow cat like all women and I am nothing. This brain which I so do love and this body are just vessels for a FUCKING tired spirit. The movies such as get out and Us tell a story, handmaids tale, fucking south park, futurama, all animes, all shows only show a snippit of reality misleading an entire lifetime. I did Nazi that camp coming. I can only imagine whats to come. I wish I knew. I am going to wake up remembering nothing or something if I am lucky. I think theyre going to have me play basketball. I fucking hate moving my body lately I have no motivation. I have seen the nothingness of the hosts bodies that were in there. I could make them say things not entirely at will but it was all about me. I don’t understand why or how this much energy is being spent on me or how i didnt see it all that time. I wonder if there was even a time before. Like maybe i was dreaming and implanted all my prior memories of living in Las Vegas. Or the bible and the 7 heavens is true and I have reached the 6th. Where supposed deception from the devil runs rampant. I know people can watch this through my eyes or gods not people, as well as through cameras placed all around me, somehow. I know all this is going to sound crazy. I remember my college professor saying to hide journals in case someone becomes president and I think I fucked up my chances. I left a lot of crazy rambling journals but this is the worst one. Does it really matter? If I become president they will need to program a lot in me anyway. I was like the movie Lucy before they got me on these meds and I eat everything. I knew things, I put 2 & 2 together in ways to help me understand. I led my team to the top. I didn’t need a lot of food, or any. Now i am a low powered tank caboose that christopher will pull aside and say hey we need you, you know what youre doing. Everytime I eat I think about how it is weighing me down, but I am getting lazy, sick, tired and it gives me slight pleasures, more than almost anything else. I have little desire to adventure, I tried to go to San francisco and was met with the Deez nuts guy from vine as well as people talking about eating me. Then i tried walking downtown past 4th street, seeing a vanguard club a family of 4 told me I was too competative, I got a picture of this street on my phone. Across from vanguard was a place that had some stomach disease, another place next to it another fatal thing. The family frantically told me to leave, i tured and didnt look back. I was mortified, but not even surprised anymore. The shit that goes on in reality is mind bending, but I am playing it safe now. I know I lose either way, but I am not going to keep looking for answers I don’t have anymore questions, this power thing goes deep. The only real question is what are my real abilities? Also, am I as powerful of a creator as the guy in the sprouts who changed the number of calories on my ice cream then took a video of me noticing while telling his friend he got it and will send me to prison because i then put it back because it was an unlucky number. Prison, people (maybe only women?) can go to prison for noticing patterns and changes in numbers. I wanted to know more so i stood by him, it made him slightly uncomfortable, as well as me. They are everywhere. Apparently i am an alien. I am not sure how alien and hawaii trade program works but it isn’t cool. I wish i had more of an understanding of how much exists and how not to talk about it. My poker face is so bad. So bad. When I hear my dad say im going back, I am supposed to just pretend I didn’t. I don’t know when I will have access to the internet again. I might have to be in a home where people are the blankets and I am the one being married off to someone, where my ex boyfriends mom is the guarding woman in charge and my virginity, more importantly my virginity from food, katniss fucking everdeen is up for rent. My memories, my voice, my personhood is not worthy not practiced, not existent. I constantly am around robots or people who want to use my power for cars, bikes, movies, sports games, sex with a piece of my spirit while im asleep all that. Where the past me tells a guiding story for future me to follow. Showers are dangerous, my brother created me, my parents arent really my parents, unless everyones parents are like this. I remember all the fun I had thinking that was ALL i will have the normal life. It wasn’t boring yet so why did this have to happen so soon? I am a prodigy, but they say i am aging. I go to doctors appointments and I hear someone say i am a little yellow so i can still do things. Minion, I was yellow, I am yellow enough to be naive enough to get pushed around however I saw that it was an act thats how I got this far. I became too texas, now im not texas enough, lone star i mean. This act I am not sure what is coming next but I get to sign before I partake. I know my parents use me, my brother uses me, anyone who doesn’t tell me the reality is using me. Because I DON’T know what is going on. Right now i am supposed to act as a girl who got out of a hospital who is going back to school, living with her parents, in this reality, parents are normal not omnipresent, not all knowing. In this reality i am not a handmade (i was hand- made by them) ( to be a handmaid). In this reality i am delusional. In this reality we dont talk about these things. If i am meant to seek pain this is painful. I know these people will screw me over. I ask for what I want, I genuinely want to live on my own and go to university again. I want to graduate. I want to travel, have friends. I have been in the elopement room, the hospital, the man asked me where I learned to sleep when I realized I was lied to so extensively, as well as my contacts being unnecessary. I am limitless truly however I am crippled by my captors. I told my mom how I wanted to go back to the power hospital, i get heart pain but its just an excuse, if i can go back there I can get my vision back as well as my strength. I can get to see the truth again; science in its realest form. I dream of working with them, knowing all there is to know about reality. I want to be immersed. I want to be all enlightened. My ex boyfriends friend worked there, I want to work there too. I swear he came in a different form to the psych hospital, he came and threw away a chocolate milk to make a statement of throwing me away when I turned black. Also, I know mirrors lie. My true color is not on the outside. Only certain people can see me as i am. I cant. I wonder when I will, if I will, why they can. I came here to see old pictures, writings, notebooks filled with info relevant to me in present day. Its as if there really was a team of people using all these things to guide me a direction, testing me. I hear yawning, if I stay up all night they cant harness my life force energy, something my mom said she does jokingly however i know people can do that and if I am the only living thing with youth then it is possible. I do feel tired when i wake up, i have been sleeping more and remembering nothing of my dreams. People can probably purchase my dreams from the hive mind just like they can watch through my eyes. I want to be offered a deal, eternal knowing for the price of whatever but give me the knowing, as well as protection from being eaten alive, let me exist in this world like I am now, just with the knowledge of how deep the rabbit hole is. I know i am a rat, however there is little other way to be. I am amanda, cameron, sabrina, etc. the eating thing is a kink someone has. I am on 4chan or something, i keep looking on there to see if i can find myself. In the hospital they recorded my thoughts. I can sometimes hear peoples thoughts. I might turn into a dog. Thats how i got out of the hospital, I ate, I was told I will become like this obese woman wearing a dog collar who got cleaned by what looked like her mother in the meeting room. She knew I would be like her, however she said i will be a “bork” one. Which means they dont like me. I didnt give the guy the list of foods I like so he didn’t like me. I was just scared and resentful for the trade didn’t make sense. Either I lose myself in there trying to learn around hosts and buyers who intentionally misled me while trying to visit with my parents who didnt want me to know what was going on and take the meds act normal or I ate and promised I would rememeber. I am already getting too comfortable, fatter, and actually too trusting. Since I heard I am going back I decided why not write this? If I go back I might get turned into an 11, stranger things style. They said that in the hospital, pretty sure some lady wanted to buy my long hair too, she eventually left, her checkbook said Payne on it. Money is pain, I dont understand its exchange here. I am supposed to get it from acting like normal, but who do i get it from. I can’t see my audience, and i feel like if i ask for it too much it ruins the normal act. I am the most helpless thing in this house. I also hate the color purple lately. I am surrounded by it, there is red and blue I am in its entanglement. The pictures on my phone back to 2016-17 with mason tell a story for the present as well. How do the creators have time, capabilities to create this for us all? They said i would be in the military in power hospital, because i couldnt afford to be there is this a military test? Like atoms can be tested on. Am i the test. I am the mission. All the memories of highschool are plants to get me to do something in the present and future. What do you want me to do? I might get eaten anyway they said “theres your food mr Wirjo” to a doctor there. I didn’t even try to get away enough, I figured I’d get eaten. I hoped that staying here would be best but I don’t know anymore. I leave for colorado in a few days, maybe that will help me understand.

Even after becoming free from this, weeks later the way everyone knew her stil happened, that bewildered her yet it seemed to happen less and less, her energy ran low and with that so did the bewilderment. Still, a woman gave her a quiche at a cafe yet she didnt order a quiche. Somehow eople tap into the role she played as Mother Mary Magledine, Katniss Everdeen with the cups and the egg ruining if I ate, whenever I ate on a Sunday, it was quiche or deviled eggs to mock the desecration of my eggs from eating. I didn’t have a choice, both choices were bad however I couldn’t comprehend the fact that I thought i needed food to survive, now i dont but yet the reason i was in the hospital was because I needed to eat. Coming back from the kitchen there was the sign “elopement room.” No one eloped with her. She barely spoke a word to people. She didn’t know what was going on, when she would get out, what she looked like to others and what could become of her if she said too much.

The eating too much could be the cause of her low energy however she knows the world is now for her, every time she walks into a new place it gives her a chance to hear what others say about her. She thought this was all her parents fault however her dad kept saying, the sooner you realize its not the better it is. Maybe its not? Maybe it was because I reached past a caste system that I was meant to go through this act. I wonder what else will happen and when. I go back to University, well i am now reminded of when I went to give in papers to transfer and heard someone say “whore” as well as multiple yellow signs with the word “reset” on them with arrows. Am I doing this wrong? Should i be okay with sitting at home all day? Am I meant to be doing things with my family that I don’t know? I maybe am whoring the system by having there be another university scene yet I don’t know what to do. I have to go to therapists and talk about how I am getting better normal. I am supposed to have goals my only real goal is to figure this out. I really miss marijuana. I miss my friends from hawaii. I miss the space I had to figure things out. I miss people understanding my matrix journey. I have no one to share this writing with that i know will appreciate in the flesh. I dont feel like sending it. I dont feel like i can. I know im being white beared (black mirror style). I know this is being watched. I dont know why. I dont know how. I might be forced to blue pill forever, or i might be pulled back in. I know that I am doing myself a disservice eating, but it feels good  to sustain myself in excess right now. There are signs all over the house about certain things, also there was a house K took me to in hawaii that had things all over that were for me and scared me. Its like it was preparing me. I don’t get this. She went to the 99 cents store in the beginning and still doing her dance of energy and there was a black woman doing the same thing telling her to go shaking her head. We arent in kansas anymore vegas. Not sure where we are, but the feeling of fullness saciates my fear. I dont understand how my dad cares about when people die on tv yet i went through things worse than death and he doesn’t seem to understand that death at somepoints wouldve been nice. I dont know how long ill have to be here. The only joy i get is from food i have no inspiration just questions rage and confusion. Llama llama red pijama, what memories did i have before this life? Will these people keep me here as Cat (name deleted for privacy) or will I be forced to leave again? They told me i was adopted in the hospital. By the law. I wonder if this is all according to plan or if I am in hell? Can souls be adopted into bodies? Is that what i am? Forced to play a role until i can no longer when i see beyond it or when i become of no use.

The bible i read from a friend said we need to travel when god tells us to and return. This is what hawaii was for me? God wanted me to come back to the nothingness that is the now the confusion more so i dont know what to call it. When i got out of the hospital was the same time area 51 raid meme thing was happening, i am an alien cat or dog depending on what they say. They said princess DIE anna, why wont you die one nurse who reminded me a lot of my exs mom especially i remember she used his name, they both had different bodies but i know that souls can change bodies now. A mom of one of the girls with me in the hospital said to the nurse “i want to switch to her mom” and came back as mom when before she was a friend or something. Also sock colors said deroyal on some people and nothing on others, indicating royalty, i was royal. I was in the god room. It had a picture of stars, everything was for me.

There was a woman reading a book called mentor who said she was Angies list, i was a business in itself but i was too afraid to ask her for help. I saw some of it and it said “you are now in a prison of your own mind what type of person do you want to be when you get out”  i wish i knew the name of that book and who she really is, she seemed like a host at first but when i started eating everyone seemed real, we are all in this simulation obviously however i shouldve listened to the guides… i shouldve asked them questions because im not getting any answers here just more regrets. However if i spoke too much and they knew i knew maybe i wouldve been wiped of my memories like i feared. They also said id be going back in the future, oh god i hope not, but as the days go by and i hear more from my dad saying ill be sent back i cant be too sure ill be here much longer.

They said my parents were african, they wanted to make me black, in the black meaning excluded. I was pure, I had understanding and control over my sexual experiences. I got things twisted however i am going to take this feeling back. I live in a house where male pleasure is favored, i will switch this up and prioritize my pleasures no matter what as I am capable. However i am scared, they have taken from me grays a fucking natomy. Wasted paris. I wasted the time everything was romantic for me. I deserve better, ill get there again soon. I need to be doing me though. I keep thinking ill wake up and be someone else or be wiped of my memory but it isnt that simple. No education prepared me for this battle. In fact it filled my mind with information that I well, not entirely true. The end there everything was meaningful. It will be like that again. It is like that none the less. I just hope i am not more taken advantage of then i already am here, my pleasure and energy levels just get down however leaving the house would be difficult since i hear people say im going to get eaten. There are animal shelters for people.  

John 3:16 eternal life something or other, the quote from forever 21 bags. Its literally in the name that i will always be 21, im maxxed out now but i want to at least live until im 40. I want to age well, i want to have kids and a husband. I want it all. Wish this was real. Galactic handmaids tale shit. The rotating palms of las vegas i am a part of. My friend who knows whats going on i think made a post saying “her heart will break it always does” when i find out more as i go i hope to know all. I hope i can have this knowing wherever i go next.

There was a woman reading a book called mentor who said she was Angies list, i was a business in itself but i was too afraid to ask her for help. I saw some of it and it said “you are now in a prison of your own mind what type of person do you want to be when you get out”  i wish i knew the name of that book and who she really is, she seemed like a host at first but when i started eating everyone seemed real, we are all in this simulation obviously however i shouldve listened to the guides… i shouldve asked them questions because im not getting any answers here just more regrets. However if i spoke too much and they knew i knew maybe i wouldve been wiped of my memories like i feared. They also said id be going back in the future, oh god i hope not, but as the days go by and i hear more from my dad saying ill be sent back i cant be too sure ill be here much longer.

They said my parents were african, they wanted to make me black, in the black meaning excluded. I was pure, I had understanding and control over my sexual experiences. I got things twisted however i am going to take this feeling back. I live in a house where male pleasure is favored, i will switch this up and prioritize my pleasures no matter what as I am capable. However i am scared, they have taken from me grays a fucking natomy. Wasted paris. I wasted the time everything was romantic for me. I deserve better, ill get there again soon. I need to be doing me though. I keep thinking ill wake up and be someone else or be wiped of my memory but it isnt that simple. No education prepared me for this battle. In fact it filled my mind with information that I well, not entirely true. The end there everything was meaningful. It will be like that again. It is like that none the less. I just hope i am not more taken advantage of then i already am here, my pleasure and energy levels just get down however leaving the house would be difficult since i hear people say im going to get eaten. There are animal shelters for people.  

John 3:16 eternal life something or other, the quote from forever 21 bags. Its literally in the name that i will always be 21, im maxxed out now but i want to at least live until im 40. I want to age well, i want to have kids and a husband. I want it all. Wish this was real. Galactic handmaids tale shit. The rotating palms of las vegas i am a part of. My friend who knows whats going on i think made a post saying “her heart will break it always does” when i find out more as i go i hope to know all. I hope i can have this knowing wherever i go next.

This one guy with the word “allergy” on his wristband kept saying things like “robots without instruction manuals” while he was in the hospital. He’d write a bunch of number sequences. There was another guy who was reading the book Dune. He had a shirt “girls of Baja” people that would visit him were his family he was British or something. I never asked him what the book was it’s a popular sci-fi. The soccer game I think he used me to power one time said “electricity and light district”. That must be where I live. A guy in a scion came out of his car at the airport with a shirt that said “electric family” on it when I first got here. Another guy who left to freemont street which I wish I followed in the beginning he exclaimed “I thought this was going to be a movie!”. Aliens watch the Earth dramas.

My friend saphira hints on instagram about things, one was a glass elevator drawing, where it overlooks everything yet everyone can see you from down there also. I wish I screenshotted it. Another thing was the, “one cat for every car.” She took a video of cats on her cars.

At the baseball game I went to with my family I heard that I was going to get fat because I can’t get love. I wonder if that is true. I don’t vibe with any people on tinder and I really don’t want to have sex and damage this thing of my holy virginity. I feel like this thing has to repeat itself. I don’t know why. I’ll go away to school again and have this again.

Publish or parish, along with me goes my recollection. I just went to Colorado to visit L and it was so magical. Vegas started feeling the same, and that was fine and all just little simulation. Eating and loss of power is so correlated and even when I eat little and want to get a drink I’m reminded that it’s hurting me or turning me into a butter producing person. Westbound and down buffalo restaurant was one of the list of choices to go to before we left. I chose clear creek there were people there who eased my fears. I no longer have the fear of being burnt alive or ground up or brutally tourtured because my consciousness will go into another form? at least that’s what they say and I can be upgraded to have 6 level conversations all the time with the use of new iPhones and things, there are many families who will adopt people who can fly up to high elevation with no feel like a Tesla model x. However my baby Jesus died on the plane ride coming back and this is going to be very jumbled thoughts. As soon as I felt the blood drop in my pants a child behind me said “a baby just died!” and a black woman said something like, “I pulled that right out of her” I was so sad and scared, last time I had my period I was sent to the hospital shortly after, I think i am meant to carry babies without intercourse which I was told was the only way to have a child. On the way to Colorado I sat next to a woman and her daughter. The woman had a bag saying Hudson and a magazine that read “the fat torch” she talked about uncle Darin something about that and wrote in pen on her daughters notebook “Carly is a mom” and “I like Belle.” Carly is supposed to be me and beauty and the beast?

People could see I was red in the airport. One person said I was a broke baby, which is true, I am poor in wisdom, money and love at the moment it is making me irrational, afraid and confused. When I arrived and saw L who I know knows all I do somehow, she gave me a juice and the stereo played magic fm and of course it felt magically synched to our life. It felt like she wanted me to ask to stay at her house, or I could have stayed if I wanted to. We facetimed E our friend from university, she mentioned this show called Letter Kenny where they are religious but not and talk weird, I too was talking weird not the same but I don’t just speak whats on my mind because I fear and like to calculate it. Immediately I noticed the book shelf with so many books about women queens in red, falling, ruling, war. There were strange things like a drawing and writing about mufasa’s ghost on her fridge. Then her roomate wrote a big list I wish i took a picture of about the chosen, fight, forgetting, rising, things like that I wish I had in memory. I didn’t eat much again there. Laura had trash in this room were all things I had bought, oranges, lifeproof case, amazon. Her stuffed animals were a bunny, banana, purple pillow. There was a glass heart with the words “youll always be my Nina – love Tyler” I thought of the OA named Nina and wondered if my uncle created the programming or the name Tyler meaning tile maker. My uncle was going to colorado to perform comedy around the same time I wondered if it was correlated and my fear of being turned into a host with no remembrance totally anarchy like Aracellie from the hospital. In the library the books stood out at me were something about female, politics and then total anarchy. Like being a female meant for being a totally open host consciousness? If so i don’t want, I like reserving my openness. The smell of hookah came back as well as knowing that I was a machine. I also heard the term beer bot for my ability to pee. We went to a place called the garden of the gods. There was a trading post, where I got nervous Laura the god as she clearly was higher than me or is, wanted to trade me to a new god, which would be ok with me if they were a nice god. If laura was my god she was the one creating all the chaos and going to make me disabled or less than what I want out of my life? I saw a man who reminded me of M and a woman who reminded me of my old coworker boss at the city of henderson. They were together, it made me question if they truly are together and Mason and I relationship wasn’t truly real. They took our picture for us, it made me uncomfortable. I knew it was something that I made it into these places. We went to a club called the Mansion, where they stamped us with a dog print I thought of mary saying dog = god. Before that we got tacos with L and her coworkers. She showed me a text before this with her group chat and on the top it said “i’m so glad Camisha is coming” i thought I was camisha because I am on cam for her to see, her and whoever else has the capability to watch people. There was a person named Camisha I sat next to at the taco place, a black woman with 2 other black girls. It seemed like they were recruiting, as well as another girl who reminded me of Dallas and another who reminded me of Rebecca except they both were like mothers. I feel like I could have become their child. There was a lot going on, I kept getting insight that I needed to sell myself, prove my worth, litigate like L talked about when the bob marley song came on. In the club, there were people that reminded me of those I used to know. It was virtural reality. L said its like a mirror. I danced with guys. One was Joaquin, Brendan, S’s gf N. I even saw someone who reminded me of E and L confirmed it. I keep having psychic moments where I can communicate with thoughts especially with L on this trip. N once said something about going to the club with my mom. L seems more of my mom than my actual mom. N was always saying predictive things. E knew me, and we were connected. He wants me to ascend past this state I’m at, all the people who knew things are hinting at that. I wish I knew how. Once E showed me a show about us like our situation. There was predictive things happening all the time back in Hawaii. It still is yet in conversations with my parents and small talk at school I get it less and less. Perhaps I’m noticing it less it’s still there though. My dreams are it. Anyway back to the story. The girl who sat to the right of me at the taco place was like other N but older, she was like “do you like this?” she seemed stressed out and older. Seems my quest for the top just makes me older and stressed. The higher you go the older you are the harder it gets. The more north I went the closer to the truth it seemed to be though. “Life is a mountain not a beach.” I keep hearing I am getting old, that i am a dinosaur. I need an upgrade I am begging for the future me. I can picture it I just don’t see how to get from point a to point b, I am so in the dark here. N and I were twins, like shake it up chicago we always will find each other. The floor felt like it pulled energy in. Another place we went to before felt like that too, blue mountain realty where Ls dietitian worked, she led this meditation and I kept thinking bad thoughts about what was going to happen. I thought of Blue Mountain State which is this show i remember hearing the word “sloot” from it like slut. I know the dietitian could read my mind. I have now heard the term psychic spys. There were 2 other women there. One was old, maybe 60 and the other early 30s. The early 30’s woman said after talking about showing someone her mom or something. “this is what I do when I have a cut to heal.” I kept thinking I would get burnt at the stake for knowing too much like a witch so I didn’t want to say much. I wish i recorded that meditation though, it worked well to get me higher. After, the dietician talked about how eating meat can make the stress of the animal absorb into the person. That or I literally feared for my life for a whole month in a crazy hospital that defied all my previous notions of reality. I used to meditate more now I am stressed a lot and I blame living here with this family. Anyway,  I realize this isn’t just a meditation place, it was a realty thing. I am realty? Also, after I heard on the radio something about selling my story to random house. If the spy recorded my thoughts, it very well could be stolen from me. I fear that I won’t get credit for my experiences somehow. I know i could make this into a book but is that a real possibility. I could be an author I guess but I won’t know how this ends and there’s so much about the science of it I don’t comprehend. If god can give me visions of this or allow me to know the truth minus the trauma that would be great.

All the signs and shops were meant for me, all the books at goodwill. We went to a vegan restaurant called something owl and there were people like my family and mason minus quintin. They talked about selling me like Get Out. My mom was like what about the fireball and they said we can’t sell that. I can feel my fire getting lessened too. When I ate one of the bartender ladies said to not pollute my planet. The waiter was like Chris, I thought about him and how we stayed at a place called the emerald. Cloud emerald. Its a laboratory company. I know I am an experiment. When I visited Lsschool someone in the parking lot said “it’s too late.”  I kept thinking about Leonard and saw pontiacs and Kurt on the side of one when I drove Ls car.

L and Her roommate C had a bonfire after we drove/hiked to pikes peak, which felt godlike. There were a lot of people there, I kept fearing I would turn into an 11. I am capable of flying up to high places, there are people who want people who can do that? People kept talking about me. There were bigfoot signs and different things. Its an act, yet who are those who are above me in it and how can I get there? I think back to the man in the hospital asking what movies ive been in. That’s a good question I said. I don’t know? Have I acted before this? I mean my memories I guess those are a movie now that I see it that way, I just don’t see time as linear anymore because of what jumps its been doing in the present. When I have a set schedule like school it starts to feel more linear less magical or transcendental. When I went to the psychiatrist I heard someone say “its just going to take longer” maybe I am drawing this ride out, wasting time? What comes next? Do I just act in movies next? Or just sit and power things in a hospital? Do I get adopted into another family? Does my appearance change its form? Do I go somewhere else? At orientation there was a black woman who walked out when I was walking around the hallway after eating (when I probably shouldn’t have ate) to say indirectly “you can’t be privileged going to have to get on the same train as the rest of us or plane” I am guessing referring to the plane I was on coming back from colorado.

L said she was a wolf. We visited her parents, her dad was wearing a tijuana shirt and there were things all around the house like I tried not to pay attention to keep my cool as I thought I was being sold. Her mom said something indirectly about me not being opened up enough, L told me she liked flowers. That this was like a project for L, me opening up. When we got back from pikes peak Ls dad said “im going to keep her i think I love her” about me? Then we went to trader joes and there was a sign outside that said “welcome rainbow high flyer” inside there was a “rainbow wrap for a high flyer” too but it had beets in it so I got a california roll. It was hard for me to pick again. L has a mannequin in her room named lucille and she would put the things we did on her like rock climbing equipment and yoga.  In the bonfire there were people who controlled me. Someone named Viki, Cody, Dj, and some other people. I was really shy, i didn’t know what to say when I heard them talk about me. There was a guy smoking a vape they said “this is your satan” It reminded me of when we got back from pikes peak a sign said “santas helpers” santa is spelled like satan. Anyway, he looked at me like I was so intriguing. I sat next to Cody and the fire started getting big he said “i made her too hot” and I wondered if I controlled fire. Viki took the ipad and said something like “im going to have her do all these” apps or something. I wondered if I had to do whatever someone said by the touch of their ipad. Dj, cody and blake talked about Billie Elish and Anna kendrik being beautiful. We watched some of pitch perfect before sweet home alabama the day before, making me think I had to get on pitch with others and marry. C was upset that there is more friends. I am guessing the fact that i am in college means the plans of having my life change from what I think is normal to the fantastic outer space feelings that I have been having will be halted. Dj reminded me of Kurt i thought of capitan kirk. When I saw him he said “its attracted to me.” There was a girl named Olivia and Annastasia. I thought olivia like i have to be an O to live and Annastasia stays like the Anastasia in the hospital. This Anastasia was talking about being on bumble. I thought I had to be a bumbling be to stay. Blake the fire fighter guy scared me because he was a firefighter and thats how I got to the hospital in the first place, she told me he worked for cryogenic place too and i think that stops aging or does what the energy hospital first did. I remember a woman who looked like me being wheeled around in a wheelchair and them saying that would be what I looked like, which is already what I looked like so it was strange. Anyway blake said “you really are an old lady” when i threw the marshmellow into the fire after eating half of it. Then something like “we all cant ride our bike for breakfast” he was really insecure about his eating or something, and my ability to not want to eat at certain times.  

I thought about b and a movies and how b movies are my life without action, without the brutalism I was experiencing, I am still working for the hive and will remain queen. A movies is ant and building hills I would just be a slave building pyramids again for someone else, I might still be doing that. Anyway after that thought L changes into a bee happy shirt with a bee on it. I told her ive been thinking about bees but i never go into details with my thoughts of what was/is going on between us. She took me to a movie called Free Solo about this guy who climbs high mountain rocks by himself. The guy ate like I did and acted, the way he emotion and spoke like I did. It seemed to parallel the way I climbed to the top where I can see my memories and the events of the past leading to guide me, its all for me. The last thing he climbed was El Capitan. He becomes the captian of his own fate in a way. Yet, it didn’t show his life after El Capitan, because it isn’t simple, it seems the climbing never stops. That drive to red rocks amphitheater was long, there was a street called arapahoe and many self storage units and hotels in random towns. I thought of the lives my consciousness could live, and places its come from or could be going. I thought of the show Atlanta and the emails i get from there. I had a hard time sitting straight during the concert, comedy and movie, which all had to do with us and things we’ve experienced. It felt like I powered everything. I got tips on my phone that helped me, like “boost from mango” which reminded me of the man to my left, I posed like him to help my back from being strained. I feel like I am needed to be a power source in places. I will power things for entertainment and comfort. One thing the comedian said was about feeding dogs vegan food, “why vegan food when they are a dog, dogs eat vomit or something like that” I thought about how I was a dog now and if the food I eat is really something in disguise by the gods.

L said something like “how are spirits made?” I immediately thought back to when I was in the hospital not eating, my body started making these fumes that smelled almost alcohol like, I had never not eaten that long or been in that situation. I wondered if that is how alcohol is made. Alcohol is the spirit of a person who isn’t eating and is likely suffering in my case at least. Those russian vodkas with the sexy robots on it. If you dont eat you become a robot and produce vodka? Wherever our bodies really are our veins, our urine, our breath perhaps contains the ingredients to truly make alcohol. I didn’t tell her this of course, but she knew I knew. Its the spirit of a person. Like those ads for women vagina beer things. I was surprised they actually did that but that is truly how beer is made. Hersheys is just her shits. Bananas are dicks. Anyway, yeah. Like that orphan tears video on youtube, “cry directly in this jar, I will drink it at the bar.” sadness and not eating = vodka.

I write this bc I have either lots of hope or no hope. I can’t tell but I think it’s better written than rotting with me wherever my mind ends up. I don’t want it to backfire on me, since I am in the truman show and stuff. I want this to be a show of my character. Perhaps I share too much, well I am not putting my name on it. This is TMI and I am afraid of sharing but I am afraid of other things I could do more.

I got rid of so much when I left to come here, I was in a state of knowing that things were not the same, i didn’t need things I used to have. However, now that things are stagnant again i find myself upset that I left what I did and I am rebuying a lot. Some are irreplaceable and a lot of money is going to replace things. I don’t really know what I am doing. This all scares me. I wonder if I am wasting time in college, as I know what i learned led up to this, will what I am learning now lead up to something or is it filler?

I am reminded of things such as my friend H always sending me poems about her being a surrogate mother to me. “Hooked up to wires, we couldn’t give you anything less.” Saying she gave me to nice people in the poem however that isn’t really that true. I asked her why she chose that theme and she just said she liked it. I wish I kept the poems, but my parents made my phone reset when I was in the hospital. I suppose I could ask her but we only small talk now. She sends me songs. She posted another thing online about a lab girl, it said they’re always watching. As well as her asking what my favorite play was and having that be the play performed in the theatre, Rent. I wish I had chosen something else but it was nice to have that happen, same with the concert L was in, it was all for me. Even people in the audience mentioned how one of the numbers was Ben and Isaac, when they were my exs from highschool.

Outside of the club there was a man who told L, “you really ruin people” and she said what do you mean he said “you know you do.” I think they talked about me, L may have limited me, maybe she is what started this whole journey down or inward, or it is a mirror of my fear of this such thing happening.

How did people get to know everything I now know and more that I don’t? When will I know all or enough to bypass all things that ail me? I dream of being all knowing, powerful and just. I wish that for me and for the world to have people have their dreams come true, I want to believe in this possibility more than anything. I want to be a true scientist and ruler of my reality. I don’t want to be a garden slug anymore.

I dont think I ever lived for myself or ever can. I am confused of my role in this life. I feel like I am controlled and determined by people outside of me way too much. I don’t know how long this act will go on, it’s getting really annoying, I want help getting to the next stage, if there ever is one. I want to choose my form and reemerge.

Theres so much I don’t see. I felt my ex doing acupuncture on me and heard him and his friends talking when they realized I heard, “she can hear” and then I felt my ears being stuffed with something.

There are people watching me and I know theyre dissapointed in me essentially giving up. H sent me Billy Elish Fingers crossed, about being too far gone, everybody makes it til they don’t.

I can’t open up to anyone. I am writing this hoping they can see honestly. It’s all I have communicating to the ether.

I should get caught up in things I want again, however big the fear, does it really matter?

My choices make up the way the game goes. I want to play my cards right. My options are infinite yet limited in the perception of reality that holds itself more.

Everything is unraveling now, the truth is being let out, started slow now its fast, yet it’s still slow. I wonder if I chose to stay in Hilo if it would be different, probably. I wonder if the more truth comes out the less I am able to live, or will that mean I just ascended. Am I meant to do that? Am I doing this right? I want more truth, more understanding.

I want to be a rich woman who travels the world and makes love to it. I want to love people and know things. I want to understand modern science like the energy hospital and human robotics. I want to see what I can’t currently. I want to hear as well, all the senses for the world beyond my usual comprehension. I want to be able to transcend dimensions and space time. I want to have friends who do the same. I want to dance as I do this, I want to be free from the hold. I want to know famous people. I want to meet others who have completed these goals too. I want to be an astronaut if space is real. I want to go beyond average human capacity for knowledge. I want to read minds. I want to have my own helicopter. I don’t need to remember playing Caitlin. I can wake up as this new person, with new experiences. However, it would be nice to remember all I have been, though the fact that matter can be changed, I think I could’ve played many roles, before human form as well.

I could be in an anime show, i think i am in my hero academia but I want to actually see myself inside of the show not in this house.

I am not caitlin I am just some random japanese man in caitlins body.

Time goes by and there are many dimensions I am in cloud atlas, bonding to certain souls over and over through time.

A few weeks ago everything was for me at all times, now it comes in waves. It could be because of eating or something, not sure. I am reminded of what Blake said, “not everyone can ride their bike for breakfast.” I think of the bikes in black mirror where when you ride enough you get to perform in front of judges, I definitely am being judged.

When I went to the outpatient psychiatric place everyone there seemed for me and I wonder what that means, there are different people every time now. One time I heard someone say, “shes a little yellow that means you can still do things with her” like I am thinking the act can still go on. I also saw on a paper of some guy coming out the letter R like a movie rating. I might’ve already wrote about this up there. I wonder if people can pay for me to act in their movies as Caitlin or as me with my memories changed or maybe I am way off.

My father blackmailed me. When I got out of the energy hospital (St. Rose) there was teal colored trash bins and labels, it began with orange. I remember thinking I was entering a concentration camp. It looked like no hospital I had ever seen before. Everyone there was old and they looked like they were being hooked up to machines that would end their life. I was in the hallway with no room. Everyone stared at me. I recognized D, one of M friends who was a nurse, I didn’t realize this kind of nurse existed. My dad came with me on the ambulance. I didn’t eat for maybe 4 days, I didn’t sleep for like 2. How could I when all my memories were becoming like Total Recall? I was reading the Da Vinci Code and began Angels and Demons before the firemen came into the house for the second time. I was breathing fire, yet I know this smell of hookah wasn’t me. It followed me. Also, these “firemen” installed things in the house that burned when you walked by them. All of this is normal protocol. I had to tell them I was fine, I was, I was just not fine and I couldn’t trust anyone, still can’t. Anyway, my mom wanted me to watch this new netflix movie about people going to Europe. It was relevant because the Da Vinci code explains the vatican and the levels of spain, england, france then europe as a whole or something, I need to re-read. Anyway there began to be too much killing and I could feel something not right i didn’t want to watch it, my stomach was eating itself, i knew I wasn’t really their daughter and I couldn’t do anything. They took me to paymons the day before and some waiter named pepe peed in my mango juice and at the time I couldn’t say anything, before that, on fathers day, uncle tyler came over and they talked about cars. He said they send them young, they talked about stick shift or electric. Then jamba juice, how sometimes they put in a rotten apple. I couldn’t speak. Laura sent me a snapchat of passion fruit. I remembered that passion fruit aprodisiac and mormons banned it. Theres a book of mormon pamphlet with actors in it, 2 black men were described in a loose paper in there, maybe thats who i was before caitlin. Anyway, i got messages in my email about how to ask for money. I know this is an act and I want to get paid for it. I thought i had to have sex to do that even with family? How dare i have thoughts like these? It disgusted me, yet here these men are clearly talking about it. And paymons, we sat next to this older couple. Chicken, get out, soccer, salmon, fries, ring,

St. Rose, tv black people talking about their scene, futurama cups holy grail, futurama wives being controlled by husbands like bots, 90 day fiance, futurama seeing phones in the mind, show that looked like ending of the matrix like black wires with a military like ship taking over. Nurses talked about me being poor, saying I would be sent to military and that I would be ok with that. The TV screen in front of me had a helicopter and my name, other things. I thought it was physically going to take me somewhere. The main nurse was an asian man, the one who asked “where did you learn to sleep” he also said, “do something.” I asked what was going on but they didn’t say anything. When I woke up there were many people in and I felt like I powered a race track, and a puppy. I woke up and the people next door who were talking about a puppy mentioned something was different then the nurse said she woke up. I remember them bringing me food I wasn’t hungry and the nurse was like no eat, eat the whole school. She spilled the eggs on me. She said not to go to the next level. I look back and remember it was teal, after teal is purple, where I was before and it just cycles back to red. My dad came and he said I didn’t eat so then came another gurney, I said i didn’t want to go and I would eat. He was telling the man that he calls me a boy, because I act like a guy it was really fucking rude. I knew I was going to be in pain again. I felt good after the day I was in the energy hospital, the nurses were nice. I had to change, I thought i was going to an normal mental hospital like the one i went when i was 15. I thought all i had to do was eat then I would leave. However immediately I realized it wasn’t normal. I had to sign this thing i wish i didn’t sign my dad made me, it was something like .60 for prn. I wanted to get out I was also thinking i was being deported, they took me to a hospital very far side of Vegas with barbed wire fencing like a prison. It was called Desert Parkway. I started crying and they took my picture when i was balling wanting to go home. I just didn’t want my dad to deport me. I got sent down this hallway with a bunch of old people and the “elopement room” which i thought meant marriage but i looked it up and it means I can’t leave without endangering myself. Anyway, it was odd and i was beyond anxious. I went to my room where i laid down realizing it was an act and these other people were actors. When I did that it caused chaos, they brought in real patient files and things were different. The people here weren’t hosts, they were adults seeming to be choosing to be here, or they were asked to be here, not sure, but they were conscious. There was a woman named Lenora, who kinda reminded me of Leonard. People asked for her when they needed to mediate for me, because i didn’t talk much. I remember getting scared because I didn’t smoke a cigarette the first day, i thought cigarettes would change the dimension of the smoker, it did in a way, but it carried the rest of us like a train. I kissed this guy to absorb the niccotine which was a dumb idea, lenora got kinda upset. I didn’t do that again. I actually got mad at the people for not telling me what was going on. It reminded me of the bathouse in spirited away. There was another girl in there who was about my age who only ate vegan food she had a notebook with the word college on it. She seemed to know what she was doing. She got mad at me for staring at her. I had to meet with the doctor. I was too honest when he asked about if i had ever been depressed before, I was nervous. He prescribed me with pills. I looked up after there was a piece of green tape in the hallway, “that was so bad fix it!” the doctor left. I took the pills. I regretted it instantly, it made me sleep. Lenora also took the pills. She said something about it being okay. The guys said something “she probably won’t take those again.” regretfully. My parents were glad I took the pills when i spoke to them on the phone. The first visitation took place in the cafeteria. Which i went everyday and didn’t eat. There were 3 other boys my age or maybe a year younger with their families, from the other unit. I talked to my dad and I realized that this was like courting to be with me. I don’t think it went well because nothing really happened. The staff in that room had playing cards in their hands, they were dressed in regular clothes they weren’t nurses. I thought my life was dependent on the cards someone will pull for me. In the second hospital a nurse brought me “the redhead plays her hand” at the end of the book she gets married. My dad motioned that he didn’t really like that ending, I wondered why. I began to long for a normal life more than anything, marriage sounded nice.

On the last night i was there we watched a movie about a space craft crash landing and having to fix it i don’t remember the name, then there was this movie about black people. There was a woman in charge of the space one. I thought it paralleled to me. There was also a puzzle of route 66. If i was in charge I still felt so out of control. People were leaving, I was getting cold and scared. I signed to get sent to a different hospital and when I did that the old man in the wheel chair said “you’re going to walmart” I asked “really?”and I said I didn’t want to go but i had already signed. I thought of the concentration or FEMA camp conspiracy videos I used to watch or deported children being housed in Walmart camps. I didn’t know what was going to happen. I wish I had just ate at Desert Parkway looking back, but the sketchy card people and the visiting couple things scared me, both of which were there in the next hospital Southern Hills. They put me up to the 4th floor of the medical wing next to this completely incapacitated old woman who was fed pudding by a man who sounded like my uncle. I felt like that could be me if someone overpowered me, I got scared. I was so tired at this point. I went to sleep. The bed would move around and wake me up. I woke up and there was a paper next to the window something for the hospital but written, “family or money$.” I know this was an act, all the torture, many are watching. I still don’t know how to or how I could’ve made money from being in the hospital. Was I supposed to be Mary Magdalene? I know it wasn’t safe asking questions. I remember trying to be coy with the nurse with the batman tattoo not straight up, how do i get money but something to that effect. She didn’t tell me. I was so jealous of every nurse, they are free. Yet the one batman hispanic girl nurse seemed jealous of my role. Later on social workers came in. One said something about “like a plane landed a goldmine” referring to me. I am guessing dimensionally I can fly, i can’t really conceive what that means or my design. Everyone offered me food. One time I said something about carne asada fries because the batman tattoo nurse was talking about eating me coyly like people do in the 6th. When I did that the menu said with pencil unleaded, if you shine it in the sunshine you could see the indented words “so you can talk like that” or something because I am kinda bad at the art of war. I wondered if the watchers were disappointed or amused.  I asked for pineapple smoothie then didn’t drink it. They mentioned phillipino. I realized fill up is in the name. They told me I was going to the pavilion, a new psych ward. I just wanted to go home. There was a doctor who came in named Mandorin. He was nice, but he made me take ativan which made me tired again I don’t remember much of what happened in that time. I thought he would take me from the hospital. The TV instantly made fun of me well made fun of his looks for thinking that this man would take me out of the hospital and be my sugar daddy or something. He mentioned losing contact with my ex boyfriend making me upset and i was stubborn and saying no, which really i should’ve said yes maybe. I guess i slept after that i dont remember, i ate some of a violettes vegan burger from my uncle. I took a shower this nurse helped me and braided my hair. I dont remember this much. I was sent to the pavillion in a wheel chair. The elopement risk was on this door too. I dont really rememeber getting in. i remember seeing my roomate a 40 or so year old black woman with red or purple tips short curly hair. She said she was glenda the good witch she said she had a daughter. She wrote notes about me being purple dinosaur like barney, young, beautiful and nice or something. People all focusing on me is something I wasn’t used to. Watchtower from the show OA prepared me for this I guess. I was scared she was getting the wrong idea from me because she touched me on the back, i was too nice to her or something. Then there was christina, a black woman with no teeth, really skinny, a host consciousness for sure had no family. Almost everyone in this hospital wore the cheap thin blue hospital pants and shirt, some didn’t. Christina had a shirt that I swear said New York, the letters turned to “Just back down,” I felt like if i backed down I would lose my teeth, my conciousness, my everything. I wondered if this was where all souls go to die. Westworld prepared me to be curious about human conciousness and their roles, yet it’s like the more you look the more you truly find the end. Caitscurious is my instagram name, still is and I have always been curious about sociology philosophy and psychology of the human mind, why the world works the way it does but especially related to humanity. I was looking for something, and found hell. My favorite movies 1408 and spirited away chart similar journeys. “We shall not cease from exploration And the end of all our exploring Will be to arrive where we started And know the place for the first time. Through the unknown, remembered gate When the last of earth left to discover Is that which was the beginning; At the source of the longest river The voice of the hidden waterfall And the children in the apple-tree Not known, because not looked for But heard, half-heard, in the stillness Between two waves of the sea.” TS Elliot. All the life I lived lead me to the tower, my memories, artifacts are clues to help me see I am not Caitlin, I am playing Caitlin. If I want to continue playing Caitlin I have to integrate these aspects. I feel like I am not supposed to keep playing Caitlin, Caitlin is in jail. This role seems more of an initiation into life. I hope I get to keep my memories and not get wiped from them. However, I could just be used. Women may have only that role in this world, however I don’t want to be bleak. I really want to presume greater. I have met women in on this, H & L, they for sure know whats happening, but its my battle to fight. It is hard to hope for me right now with all that has occurred. I thought if I got my period I would turn to pubertina there were toothpicks in the drawer, I thought someone would take my teeth. I looked at the trader joes bag my parents put the 3 t shirts and sweat pants and pajama pants i could wear. it has a crashing plane what turns to a stagecoach and under the bushes some peasant kids eating and looking over. There were ads on the computer for robotics, Alexis mussi ceo, and lauries gifts. The man who would always walk with the psychiatrist had indigo and a pug tattoo on his arm, visitor, cambro food, woman wanting hair, knowing nose, george, internet, rico, animal chloroform, robot without a manual, elijah, fat man wagner, lighthouse man, jesus host, lamb peru, moms wanting a bike, super young pregnant girl, morganna, deroyal grey socks, eugenia cooney, fosters home for imaginary friends, monsters inc, stranger things, westworld delores, social worker, on the phone talking to his mom, wheelchair old man, vaccine, court, consent, annastasia, b12, cat puzzle, sad goat,

Aricellie from the 2nd hospital said, “some people are not even sick they just choosing to be here to get medications” I heard that and thought, and more. They are getting something else, they must be.

I resent being in the dark.

There are 2 barbie dolls in my closet. One is hawaiian daphne and scooby, another is a barbie watching power puff girls. I remember watching power puff girls at my grandmas house on her couch. Then i dreamt time went slow and fast. It was electric and it made me realize all the backstory is here. I am not sure why i write. I heard my dad said “here’s Lucy” and slam doors. They clearly don’t want me aware, yet they do. I no longer have to be a girl named caitlin, i feel like I can choose to get out of this narrative. I took pictures of the other things i have found like all the drawings from safekey kids.

Anyway my dreams, I dreamt i got a shirt on etsy that said “i dont want to work” from C with a knock on my wall. and then another dream M gave me a shirt with hot cheetos and a robot. Then my dad asked if i ever pooped in my water when i had a basement room in the house with a large screen. Then a dream where i was looking for this shirt i got rid of with an eagle playing guitar, my brother had a huge closet and didn’t have the shirt. Then i was in Ls closet. There was shirts that sexualized good girl and then tie dye things then 2 bracelets with pizza wolf and pizza warlock. It quickly changed from ls colorful room to an office with black and white things and plain black shoes and desks. There were 2 male bosses and that turned into a sexual thing as well when it was supposed to be an “office job”.

I dont know how much time i have left. I fee guilty for eating meat and i get negativity for it yet i dont want to starve again i am starving of knowledge and pleasure love and truth i am seeking guidance power and release.

I remember going to new orleans with m. already touched on this but the pictures in my phone are arranged in a particular order. I remember in new orleans watching this futurama episode about a relaxing island which happened to be a zoo where people from another planet could watch. I think thats where i was, now im in hell. I wonder when i signed the contract to play the parts i am playing? I wish i stayed in hilo because I was free there as much as i was trapped, the whole planet is kind of trapped, just then i had a better outlook on reality. Ignorance is bliss and i was in states of ecstasy at times. The emotions i get back here are so bleak, depressing and terrifying. I am not sure who i am, i know im being watched and all my friends or most of them are in on this. M said one of his friends went crazy thinking he was in the truman show. Does m curse this upon people? Is my soul being farmed? Are people in other dimensions and planets kicking back watching me go insane or go through crazy making things? “Deadric city seraphim district” whose understanding of their distance from the absolute divinity of Atziluth causes their continual “burning up” in self-nullification. Through this they ascend to God, and return to their place. Below them in the World of Yetzirah (“Formation”, archetypal creation, divine emotions) are the Hayot angels of Ezekiel’s vision, who serve God with self-aware instinctive emotions (“face of a lion, ox, eagle”) If anything I am like the meseeks in Rick and Morty trying to understand my purpose. I’m like Igor “Animated fable about a cliché hunchbacked evil scientist’s assistant who aspires to become a scientist himself, much to the displeasure of the rest of the evil science community.”

Ive inserted some pictures of things. I am failing at this game. I wonder if i am an alien that had my memory wiped in order to live on earth. Or i am trapped in a game i dont remember signing up for. There is also a military glove. A card from my grandpa that says congrats on my excellent report card. My neighbor who used to be my close friend saying happy 8th birthday and 3 native american dancing cards. What if i am really from the ocean and came up, like the picture the kid from safekey drew for me. I am like Nina in OA communicating with the octopus. That show was for me. This life is for me and i dont understand why or what the other characters who know but dont tell mean. I don’t understand if this is my only time I get to experience this “all for me” thing. I fear I could turn into a kid again with my memory wiped. If i have to be a kid i want to be a boy, today I went into a boba shop as i was walking i saw a car that said “rest in peace myy son in huge letters on the window with american flag skulls and a picutre of the boy.” i thought i was the boy and i got upset because I know its because I am doing things like eating boba but I just can’t balance my inner childs needs for safety fun and happy gay kind of stuff and the need for truth and seriousness of the situation. Its like i am playing “Hell II Adopt a Soul”. Anyway i want to be a boy because it seems like the game is easier to play and theres less threats for knowing things. The coins are from this coin jar ive had in my room for ages. One of my exs I, he broke into my house well in through the garage and took half of it drove my moms car to the coinstar left the reciept in it while my family and i were visiting my grandpa and a space mueseum in california. My uncle T, he tweeted “met my wife at a coinstar” theres a coin purse from his ex gf J in a drawer. The only movie I have ever seen with him is the corpse bride. His ex name means Supplanter or replaces thing of lesser value. Men literally get to replace their girl bot thing of lesser value with a new program? Not happening. I need something else.

I had a dream 2 nights ago with M and I. He was in the next room where my brother is. I was justifying why i was here, i must be god level to be here yadayada. Treasure Island casino was Jerry training. It is the worst one, M was mean. I was God justifying out of fear I guess. Then I woke up to a dog barking super loud. I thought I was being turned into a dog. Last night I had a dream Dr. O my old soc professor I was close with from soc club, who used to say pretty prophetic things I wish I understood then said “I finessed you” with a pencil looking yellow pyramid drawing. I started begging and justifying my worth in my head to try to get basically adopted as a soul or being bc I am very very very scared for my future. I even thought “i’ll work for someone for 6 years.”

I keep smelling this smell that smells like fuel its concerning and I don’t know what it is but it follows me everywhere. My head itches and my shoulders hurt constantly. I am begging the world for relief.

Another movie that is like whats happening to me: Anti Matter (AKA Worm) is a sci-fi noir take on the Alice in Wonderland tale. Ana, an Oxford PhD student, finds herself unable to build new memories following an experiment to generate and travel through a wormhole. The story follows her increasingly desperate efforts to understand what happened, and to find out who – or what – is behind the rising horror in her life.

There was a room in the psych hospital called the anti room a room with nothing plain white walls and two chairs in a room outside of that room. It wasn’t in use until one of the last days i was there a man who was new there crying and yelling while a worker nurse just watched him from the next room with a clipboard. Anti Matter records has music of people in my life it seems and their anti matter selves.

Alpha Gate – i should watch that movie. It doesnt directly have anything to do with me yet i remember singing to myself while driving, i recorded it. Saying “let me be the alpha.” “A particle physicist grieving over the loss of her husband in a car crash travels to a parallel world to find him again, with dire consequences for her family.”

I feel like I am in a coma or in avatar when they put their body in rest to go into a new body in the avatar world. Truman show. “Child legally adopted by a corporation” “on the air unaware”

Some girls were talking about the meaning of oedipus and dantes divine comedy the other day. Dantes comedy talks about the layers of hell and oedipus marrying your mom or dad. I made a youtube video about oedipus. I feel like my conciousness before was not fully controlled by me somehow, i am not even sure if my conciousness now is fully free or if it is being controlled or manipulated by someone else.

“A dimension is a place” i think about all the times I have been in places lately and even if i am in a room all to myself, the words of others in the next rooms sync with me, like they can see me but they can’t or they can right in their minds. Like the first hospital when they knew I peed and said something about me not doing it without affecting them which I didn’t understand. Or when I was changing my clothes at Ls house I was deciding what to wear and getting frustrated and C commented just do what you have to do, ugh and commenting on things I picked. “Life in the fast lane makes you insane” Things were happening so fucking fast that I couldn’t even ask questions especially in the hospital times and at Ls with the bonfire. My parents too. Now I still don’t because I can’t act like I know things without being threatened. Its a nightmare and its lonely pretending to be normal. If something happens like that I would now ask, because things have eternally slowed down a little bit.

#alien #thing #starfishinachorusline

[afraidof-thedark]

When my older sister turned 19, my parents started looking at me with the deepest pity and grief I have ever seen; like I was going to crumble and disappear at any moment.

I was 16 and listening to music in my bedroom when my mother came to me with a beautiful portrait in her hands. It was of my great-grandmother Eleanor.

“Pat, you know how Eleanor used to say that when she was 18, a she-devil offered her some kind of paradise if she agreed to die immediately, right?”

It was a weird question; whenever my mother had a little more to drink, she’d retell this tale over and over. She came from a long line of spiritual but pragmatic women, women who fought to study and to work in male-dominated fields. Women who also found a good man to marry, women who had everything.

But then tragedy struck in their lives and they would lose a daughter or a niece. Always.

“Yes, mom," I replied, and we recited together: “And she said fuck off, I have 7 siblings to help raising."

And Eleanor did. She worked her ass off to send her younger brothers and sisters to good schools, became a college teacher herself, and kept teaching every new generation of women to be strong and stand up for themselves.

My mother always loved her to bits, and did her best to raise her kids the way her grandmother had taught. Eleanor peacefully died of old age when I was a baby, and overall lived a great, accomplished, loving life.

But grief knocked on her door periodically, as she had to bury a daughter and a granddaughter, both at age 18. My aunt Cecelia died years before I was born, and that took a huge toll on my mother and on my other aunt, Christa.

Eleanor didn’t believe it was a tragic coincidence. No.

She thinks that the same she-devil who invited her to go live in a better place came to claim her descendants.

After Cecelia, there were no deaths.

My sister and my cousins have all crossed the line to 19, and none of them reported anything weird happening to them.

I’m the only female in my family who is still 18.

Despite the fact that I always admired Eleanor, I confess that I thought that she was being superstitious, or even mocking us—she was known for her savage sense of humor. So this conversation I had with my mother had been completely brushed from my mind.

Then today a gorgeous, magnificent woman approached me.

I am a part-timer at a frozen yogurt joint. As you might expect, the small store was empty. The little bell on the door rang, and I raised my eyes to meet a stunning, elegant woman who seemed to be on her early 30s.

She was wearing a simple and unassuming dress, but the fit was flattering. It was impossible to take your eyes off of her.

“Hello, Patricia." Her voice was velvety and melodious. “I see Eleanor’s granddaughter told you about me."

I forgot how to breathe for a while. She was just… God, I had considered myself straight up to this point, but then I had found a woman that I both wanted to be like and have for myself.

“Come on, get yourself some fro-yo on me. Mine will be salted caramel and strawberry, if you please."

I mechanically filled two little cups as she graciously sat.

I stared at her intently.

“When you see Christa, tell her to see a doctor about that persistent headache. Unpleasant surprise on the way,” she said very casually. “So tell me about you, Pat."

“D-don’t you know all about me already?” I asked. She smiled kindly, but the warmth never reached her violet eyes; it wasn’t like they were cold, but they were neutral. Neutral and incredibly sharp.

“I know everything there is to know about everyone on your little planet, darling. But I’d still like to hear your version."

“I’m not actually interesting, you know?” I sighed. “I am only okay at everything. My sister is brilliant and she’s pretty too, while I’m too average and not even sure what I want to major in."

She smiled so brightly I thought I was gonna go blind.

“Don’t you want to be part of something bigger and easier?” she asked. “I’ll offer you a great deal, the same one I offered your ancestor Eleanor, her daughter Bettina, and your aunt Cecelia. You know the results."

“I’m listening," I said. I don’t know the circumstances of their deaths, but I know that both Bettina and Cecelia took the offer.

“Well, take a look around the world you live in. You’re young, but old enough to know. Do you feel safe walking the streets? Isn’t this world rotten? Sure, you can say there are good people; people that mind their own business, at least. But the rotten apples always spoil the whole barrel. And lately you mortals have seen that happening a lot of people you used to deem good, huh?”

“I don’t… feel safe. Two of my friends have been assaulted. I admit sometimes I’m scared to leave my bed," I replied. “Still, I’d feel so bad about how my mother would miss me."

She smiled.

“You’re a good girl, Patricia. I’m Lilith, by the way," she grabbed my hands. “Let me tell you something, although I’m sure you already know this in your heart. All the women in your family are fit for this deal, but I have to choose only one. I chose you because you won’t be missed as much." I recoiled, feeling hurt, but I knew that Lilith wasn’t lying. There was a spark of compassion in her eyes too. “It’s not that you’re not loved, it’s just that your cousins and your sister…”

“Are so much better than me in every sense. I know. I panic easily, I don’t trust my own decisions, and I don’t have any special talent. Sometimes my life feels like such a waste."

“It’s not, dear. It’s not. Because you were born for something greater. Greater than these girls you deem better than yourself. They are fit for this world. You are fit for the Utopia."

“What’s the Utopia?”

“It’s everything there is out there, the only eternal life in the universe, offered to a select few. All the great people on Earth are nothing but a heartbeat. They will fade to nothing, like all the unassuming lives."

“So you mean there’s no heaven and hell? And what about God?”

“Oh, God exists. God created great things. Imperfect, inferior beings like you humans are just the collateral damage of his masterpieces; the residuum of the creation. He never even turned His face to you, or batted an eyelash when we told him our plan. Lucifer and I see potential in you. Well, some of you. Most are truly garbage”.

I was utterly amazed. “Why do you only take young women?”

She smiled again.

“That’s a great question. Lucifer likes to collect men in their 40s, so he can laugh at their moral dilemmas. How will my family live without me, the great provider?? What if Karen marries another man and Cody turns gay because he didn’t have a masculine figure?” She did a great impersonation of a generic middle-aged man. “But I take my girls while they are still beautiful and not completely tired of how unfair this world is to them. I don’t want the morons in your society to make you forget what Eleanor taught you. She knew there would be only nothingness out there after she died, but she opted to stay and take care of her loved ones. It was a bold, admirable choice, and I decided to reward her for it. She was the only one I ever approached to refuse."

“So you can’t both live a great life here and go to this place you call Utopia?” I asked.

“Oh, one usually can’t have it all, no. But I picked two or three of those. Like Marilyn and Cleo. They were almost 40 but still young at heart and completely unfazed by how the world tried to break them. You have to admire that."

“How is that Utopia? Will I like it?”

Lilith snapped her fingers. The walls and furniture around us, and even the street across the door started to fold and fold and fold, like the reality was only a 3D draft, until they became minuscule pieces of cardboard, and then they fell into the infinite under us.

We were now surrounded by a stunning, futuristic place. There was no sense of feeling cold or hungry, we could move by floating around as we pleased, and there were amazing buildings everywhere, decorated with statues of pure white marble and paintings so beautiful I wanted to cry.

I could see colors I never imagined possible, and the sky was always a warm shade of blue, but dotted with stars, and an immense full moon.

Everything was shiny, symmetrical and felt right; peaceful, but far from boring. A perfect, ordered chaos.

“This place is constantly expanding, so you’ll always find new things to do. You’ll never live another tedious day."

She snapped her fingers again, and everything unfolded and rose back into place.

“And if I accept your offer, which I will… can I choose the way I die and do something first?”

“Oh, you have a few days to deal with all your stuff. I’m not a monster, you know?” the she-devil smiled again.

“Great!” I said. “There’s only one thing I need to do before I go with you. I want to kill the man who raped by best friend."

Lilith agreed to allow me to do it, and we talked some more before she left.

And that’s all I can remember clearly. The rest of the day was a blur; knowing that I would die, I wanted to quit my dead-end job immediately, but I had no one to quit to, and I couldn’t leave the store unattended. So I stayed, surrounded by weird ice cream, thinking about what awaited for me.

The she-devil told me that I couldn’t tell anyone I was about to die, but I was allowed to discreetly say my goodbyes. My family was really nice and had taught me a lot, and I had valuable friends, but none of that was reason enough to refuse an eternal life of happiness where I could even be friends with Cleopatra and Marilyn Monroe.

I spent some quality time with my loved ones, then two days later, I took my mother’s handgun and headed to see the one who hurt and destroyed my beloved friend, both physically and mentally.

I won’t describe the details of the torture I put him through. I’ll just say that I only stopped when it seemed to me that he went through at least ten times what he made her endure.

And then I killed him.

“Oh, shit," was my only reaction as I realized that punishing this disgusting man felt even better and even more right than living in a perfect Utopia.

It feels like I finally found my purpose. If this world is all that there is, the only thing we can do is enjoy it.

And we’ll only be able to enjoy it if we cleanse it.

I decided to take this mission upon myself.

But there’s only a problem: I already agreed with dying tomorrow.

I signed the contract and now I'm terrified of what Lilith will do to me when I say I changed my mind.

-u/poloniumpoisoning

#reddit #reddit no sleep #nosleep #scary #story #scary story