#I could not understand for a year who the narrator's voice reminded me of

[vettelsvee]

SHE'S NOT HANNA | Sebastian Vettel

f1 masterlist | history series masterlist | season 1

history series season 2: part 1 | part 2.1 | part 2.2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6

summary: seb overhears di talking with her sister only for him to find out her birthday is next monday... and that he has confused feelings about the intern

word count: 3507

warnings: bad language. mention to threesomes. much disrespect towards diana from a certain driver. narrated on seb's pov. i remind you this is a fictional work and everything you read here is not real.

taglist: [@theseerbetweenus @annewithaneofthegreengable @vincentvanshoe @formulaonebuff] if you wanna be tagged in each part just tell me in the comments <3

feedback, as well as reblogs and comments, are truly appreciated!

2009 Bahrain Grand Prix Bahrain International Circuit, Sakhir

April 25th

Saturday

Sebastian

The qualifying session in Bahrain went well, but it could have gone much better. That third place on the grid for the race the next day could have been a pole position if Rocky hadn't insisted on using the same amount of fuel we would start the race with tomorrow. Even Diana had said that with about two liters less it would have been better!

There was still some tension in the garage because our results hadn't been as expected, but I tried not to dwell on it as I watched the sun begin to set on the horizon, listening to my engineer's analysis and the deafening noises of the mechanics, whom I admired for working tirelessly on Mark's car and mine. The conversation Rocky and I were engrossed in was so fruitful that, to our surprise, we had been analyzing every single piece of data we could extract from the other drivers and, especially, discussing the improvements that could be made the next day for nearly three hours.

Di had been with us for most of the time, with a concentration that pleasantly surprised us. When her phone started ringing, the engineer's insistence that she answer the call, despite her attempts to insist it wasn't important, finally made a move a few meters away from us to take it.

I tried not to pay attention in what the blonde was talking about. After all, it was probably related to her personal life. As I studied the graphs and numbers in front of me, I couldn't help but get distracted when her soft voice, speaking in German, rose slightly:

"Yes, Ame, I understand," she tried to whisper calmly, failing miserably. Many of those present began to look at her curiously, wanting to know what my teammate's call was about. "Don't worry, okay? I'll be home on Monday night so don't get your hopes up too much... it's not like Dad is going to behave differently now that I'm away from home most of the time."

As much as I wished the latter hadn't made me want to know more about Wagner's personal life, I made every effort to focus my gaze and open my ears to the data I was being given, but it was totally impossible.

I hated myself because I couldn't forget about her, especially when all she did was raise her voice more and more, even catching Helmut's attention, who seemed to be in a bad mood.

"It's just another day," she continued, breathing in and out for relaxation. "Don't get me wrong: I know it's my birthday, but after so many years without celebrating it, I feel like it's just another day. Besides," she added, "it's good for me because I can focus on studying during the flight back home."

Listening to that made me completely stop paying attention to the conversation with Rocky, and I blatantly stared at the girl, who was still on the phone. I didn't know how to react to that, but I also couldn't find out much more about what she was saying because, as if she had realized that we were all paying attention to her, she switched to what sounded like Spanish. A perfect Spanish that not even Fernando spoke.

I might have been born to drive because it was the only thing I managed to do well, but... why did she do everything right?

"Seb, are you listening?"

"Uh... yeah."

My response was as calm as possible, but I realized I had failed miserably as the man in front of me began shaking his head, continuing to talk to me about things that had stopped mattering to me several minutes ago. My mind couldn't stop thinking about Di's birthday. Knowing that she hadn't celebrated it for a long time, for whatever reason, made me feel quite sorry, especially when I looked back at the last celebration Hanna and my mother had prepared for me at home.

Seeing that my mind was increasingly wandering, Rocky decided to let me go, but not without reminding me that I should be as calm as possible that afternoon so as not to interfere with tomorrow's results.

That's what he thought, because I certainly didn't plan to end the day in the calmest way.

Quickly, I got up from my seat and headed towards the entrance of the box from the pit lane, running. Seeing Mark standing with his mechanics, his arms slightly crossed and covered in grease up to his elbows, relaxed me a little for some reason; although, deep down, I was dying of nerves to tell him about the idea that had occurred to me and that I knew made no sense, but that I would still like to carry out.

At least someone would rid me of the birds my head had created.

"I know you don't care, but I think I have a very good idea."

"Do you know how to screw over the rest of the teams so we can at least win the constructors championship?"

Was this guy okay, or was stress making him say such nonsense?

"What? No!" I quickly replied while laughing, trying to get to the point and not beat around the bush. "Listen to me, and then you can say whatever you want, okay?" The Australian nodded, so I didn't hesitate to speak. "Monday is Di's birthday, and we're going to throw her a surprise party after the race," I affirmed, convincing myself that everything would go according to my sudden plans.

Webber looked confused, possibly because he was either surprised by my decision or completely agreed with it.

"Have you talked to anyone about this? Is Britta okay with you getting carried away? Are you sure Hanna won't mind? Does Diana know that you know her birthday in on Monday?"

His voice didn't stop for a moment, and I could even hear him getting breathless because he didn't pause for a second to catch his breath. His constant questions were making me more uneasy than I already was, so I didn't hesitate to cut him off.

"No," I began answering each of his questions. "No, and I don't care. Hanna is very understanding about the whole Diana thing, and she's the only thing that matters here; just because my girlfriend isn't the center of my life for once doesn't mean anything, Di deserves it."

"Okay..." my teammate replied, not very convinced, exerting more force in his crossed arms. "What do you need help with?"

Dam., I hadn't prepared anything because I hadn't planned to get to the point where Mark Webber actually agreed with me and wanted to help me with a crazy idea.

"Well... I thought we could do it at the hotel, right after the race," I explained as my mind projected a beautiful party with lots of balloons, a huge cake, and many gifts. "In a calm way, you know Di isn't usually into big parties," I clarified, remembering all the times she had been offered to come party with us, but she had politely declined, not limiting herself to making excuses. "I have to talk to other drivers first to see if they agree. What do you think?"

"Once we're in trouble, do things right," he replied. "Don't worry about anything now. Go talk to whoever you need to, and in the meantime, I'll call the hotel to reserve a large hall where we can all fit and you can fill it with confetti and stuff."

While my relationship with the light brown-eyed man was good, and I knew I could partly be myself when I spent time with him, I hadn't reached the point of trust to beg him for help with something. I suppose he thought the same of me, and now he would surely want to kill me for the mess I had just gotten him into; but he hid it perfectly because his smile never left his face.

"Thanks, Mark," I replied sincerely. "This means a lot to me, and I'm sure it does to Di too."

"Don't mention it, Seb. I'm happy to help you make your favorite paddock girl happy," he said, using the phrase I usually referred to the girl with, giving me a pat on the shoulder.

Immediately afterward, after several more glances and making sure the Australian didn't reveal the plan in front of the blonde, I began my journey through the paddock. Although at first I was a little worried about how reluctant people might be to my proposal, I ended up surprising myself because the vast majority of team bosses, drivers, and various members of the staff from the different teams agreed to come the next day to celebrate Di's twenty-first birthday.

Throughout all that hustle and bustle I avoided Britta, whom I ran into a couple of times. I felt guilty for not telling her what I was planning, but I was aware that she was going to give me hell as soon as she had the chance, and she was going to call me everything but nice. I knew that lately she had gotten much closer to the Austrian, and they had made some plans together, but there were still certain topics that my public relations and I were still avoiding, and that at the least opportune moment were going to come up.

Lewis and Fernando were the most excited to hear the proposal, even encouraging me to keep spreading the news. Others, like Rosberg, almost made me lose my nerves.

"We have to do something that surprises her! Man, it's Di's birthday, and if you say she hasn't celebrated it in forever, we have to make it even more unforgettable!"

Nico was so excited that it seemed like the celebration was for him. He kept raising his arms and that, along with the fact that he didn't stop using the nickname I had given to the girl, just made me angrier and angrier.

I was overreacting, and I couldn't deny that I was getting jealous because of the close relationship he seemed to have with the blonde. The affection with which he spoke about her was by no means similar to the one I had for, for example, Karina.

"Can you calm down for once?" I whispered angrily as I tried to calm his gestures. "You're not five years old and someone just gave you a Tamagotchi, damn it."

"Are you sure you're doing the right thing, Vettel?"

I felt Nico's penetrating gaze analyzing my expression, which was probably a mess. His words, totally contrary to what I thought he was going to say, were loaded with insinuation and provocation, and he knew it perfectly; I was smarter than him, and I wasn't going to play his game.

Before answering him, I clenched my teeth and forced myself to take a deep breath as I slowly counted to ten, trying to keep my calm as best as I could despite the growing anger that was quickly building up inside me.

"What are you talking about, Nico?" I asked, using the same tactic he was using and fixing my eyes on his.

I didn't understand why he was asking that, especially when he had no idea about my personal life, except that Prater was my girlfriend, of course. Everyone knew that except Diana, and I hoped it would stay that way until I found the right moment to tell her, or until they met each other.

"This whole surprise party for Diana," he continued, not abandoning the provocative tone that was bothering me so much. "Are you sure you're doing the right thing?" he repeated threateningly.

What right did this guy have to question what I was doing or not doing with my personal life? If Roeske barely controlled anything about me, even though that was his job, this jerk wasn't going to do it.

"It's none of your business, Rosberg," I replied flippantly.

My compatriot smiled as if he had gotten what he wanted: to anger me and make me snap.

"I don't know. I just wonder what Hanna would think if she found out about all this. Do you think she would be happy to see you bending over backward to have a stranger kneeled in front of you?"

The mention of my girlfriend made something stir in my stomach.

He knew perfectly well how I was feeling at that moment, and as much as my angry gaze was begging him to stop, he didn't seem willing to. 

"And what do you think Diana would say if your girlfriend showed up unexpectedly at her birthday party? They would finally know about each other's existence, and it would be a perfect gift for your little pet!"

The blond's provocations were starting to go too far. I could feel my jaw tensing and my fists clenching. I was trying to keep my composure, God or whatever exists knew it well, but I couldn't take it anymore. Not anymore.

"Don't you dare talk about Di like that, Nico. You're crossing the line."

"I think I know what surprise you're preparing for Wagner after the party: a threesome with her and Hanna," he continued. "Well, that would be more to make you happy than them."

That comment was the last straw. I wasn't going to allow him to speak badly of either of the two girls, but I wasn't going to say anything at the moment because I knew that the punch I could receive in the face from Rosberg would cause me more problems than, if I was honest with myself, I didn't give a damn about.

Therefore, without saying another word, I turned around and headed towards the parking lot at the same time I heard the comments from the Williams driver calling me a coward, unfaithful, idiot, and a bunch of insults that I tried not to care about but definitely were affecting me more than I wanted them to. I realized this when I reached my car and kicked one of the bins next to it so hard that it was hard for me to walk the few meters that separated it from the driver's door.

On my way to the mall, doubts began to torment me. It was the first time I gave myself the opportunity to think about myself and what it seemed I was experiencing.

Was I being a good boyfriend to Hanna, or was I just behaving like a jerk who sometimes thought of another girl when he saw her? Was that fair to Di, or was it totally normal given the admiration I had for the Austrian?

As I made my way through the streets of Bahrain, what I was most afraid to ask myself was what had begun to flood my mind in a worrying way: did I truly love Hanna, or our relationship had become a habit that I couldn't break out due to the fear of the unknown?

I tried not to think too much about it because she didn't deserve it, but I couldn't avoid it anymore. Since Diana had come into my life in a closer way, I had been avoiding my feelings, and now, now that I finally seemed to recognize that something was wrong with myself, the mental block began to make itself present, along with the tears streaming down my cheeks as I drove in silence except for the constant echo in my head of Nico Rosberg's insults, which hadn't stopped since I lost sight of him.

When I arrived at the mall and parked the car clumsily, in a position that didn't even correspond to the white lines drawn on the asphalt, I took out my cell phone and saw that, in addition to a call from my partner, along with several text messages from her, there were a multitude of voicemail messages from Britta, possibly from missed calls. That only made me feel worse: the woman had only tried to communicate with me for, surely, something important.

I called her, and she didn't take long to answer. Her voice sounded really worried, but I didn't give her the opportunity to talk much because I felt the need to unload everything that had been inside me for so long:

"Britta... I need to talk to you because you are my mother when I don't have mine by my side," I murmured, my voice breaking because I couldn't contain my emotion. "I have so many doubts in my head, and I don't know what to do anymore."

"Of course, I'm here to listen to you. What's wrong? I saw you today in the paddock very excited preparing the party that I found out you're going to throw for Diana tomorrow."

I sighed, defeated and, why not say it, excited by her calm, calm voice, and by her last sentence. My words flowed in such a way that it seemed like I had been preparing them for days, and I ended up revealing more things than I had planned to do at first, including my biggest doubt. She listened attentively, nodding with small articulations as I shared my concerns.

"If I'm in a relationship, and I wanted to punch Diana's father when I found out they didn't celebrate her birthday, it's for a reason, right?"

"Is that what's bothering you?" the blonde wanted to know. "Do you think I didn't already know?"

I tensed up at what I suspected. Sometimes I was worried about how much Britta knew me.

"I know you've been thinking a lot about her, Seb," she revealed, "just as I know that's exactly what's been going through your head for longer than you'd like."

Yes, since the Saturday before the race in Monza, when I accidentally fell asleep in Di's bed.

"I don't know if I'm doing the right thing," I finally confessed. "I don't know if this is fair to Hanna."

"Before you're honest with her, you have to be honest with yourself. You can't pretend to have feelings you don't have, and if that's what's making you doubt, you need to clear your mind, slowly, but surely."

She was right, but saying it was easier than doing it. Nor could I afford to think about my love life in the middle of a Formula 1 season that, let's face it, was going pretty well for me.

"Di is different, and I won't deny that I'm attracted to her," I continued to explain, praying that she wouldn't judge my feelings, "but it's in a totally different way than Hanna."

"How so different?" Roeske asked curiously. "Different in what way, Seb?"

"In every way," I replied with determination. "It's as if at the same time they're the same, but at the same time, so different... She's not Hanna, Britta."

A muffled scream on the other end of the phone made me tense up in my seat. At the same time, I began to hear more noise, but I didn't decide to steer the conversation to find out where Britta was so that such a noise could be heard.

"I mean, Di is unique," I continued, trying to explain myself a little better, "and I can't compare her to anyone else. It's going to sound very selfish, but..."

"Say it," the woman demanded.

"I want to find out if what I feel for her is real.”

If even I was impressed by what I had just said, surely the woman on the other end of the call was too.

"Sebastian Vettel," if Britta Roeske said my full name, it wasn't a good sign, "I need you to listen to this carefully," indeed, she was right. "Sometimes, in life, we have to take risks to find out what we want and, moreover, what’s actually made for us."

"What do you mean?"

"That you should be honest and, especially, be careful with your feelings and those of the people you love, or say you love," she added. "If you think what you feel for Diana is more than just a whim, you really love her, and you think that the right thing to do is to fight for her, do it without fear."

If only the answer were easier than a simple yes or a simple no…

I hadn't even hung up on Roeske and I was already in a whirlwind of emotions, fighting with myself about my feelings. There was no doubt that, as much as Britta's words kept swirling in my mind, there was no better advice than one's own.

I didn't want to hurt anyone, and I was afraid of losing people who had become a fundamental pillar in my life over a simple slip-up that would eventually turn into a mistake.

Perhaps, for the sake of the mental health of more than one person, it was best to ignore how much, more and more, I cared about Diana Wagner, and settle for the love I believed was meant for me.

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[evelhak]

I need to see what you can write for KagaKuro and the number 12 ♡

I had a talk about different points of view in writing with @lylakoi and I mentioned I only tend to use omniscient pov for satire or parody, because that's how I find it natural to create a sassy narrator voice. That made me want to challenge myself to writing something completely serious in that pov. I also tend to write all third person perspectives in past tense, so this time I'm going for present tense. I hope you'll enjoy reading this experiment! Thank you for the prompt. 💙

Mini(?) fic: Ripples Prompt: Things you said when you thought I was asleep Pairing: pansexual!Kagami/bigender!Kuroko Timeframe: Third year of high school Rating: Teen and up

---------Ripples---------

The stairs creak as Kagami finally makes his way upstairs towards Kuroko's little attic room. It has only been about twenty minutes, but that's how it feels to him—like forever. A small eternity he has spent with Kuroko's granny and the jungle of houseplants that have left the living room in a state not far from a mud bath. The granny believes in chaos. It is far too satisfying to let go of control while you're immersed in what's in front of you. You can always clean up later. Kagami likes Granny's thinking. She can turn the simple, boring task of repotting the houseplants into an adventure. It reminds Kagami of childhood, when dirt under your nails was a mark of a successful day. Things like this make him think that Granny seems both younger and older than most people.

Indeed, Operation Save The Jungle, as Kuroko's Granny likes to call it, is not why Kagami feels like too much time has passed, after Granny has sent him to check on Kuroko. He doesn't mind doing things with Granny, hasn't for a long time, not since he realised she wasn't out to get him for daring to date her precious grandson. (It was always the father Kagami should have worried about.) He hurries to Kuroko now, because he always does. Whenever Kuroko shows signs of overexertion, Kagami feels the ghost of last spring, the big slump, and he can't quite sit still.

He can't believe it used to be funny. How everyone, including him, could just tell Kuroko... "Don't die". It was a joke. Kagami knows the exact moment it changed, and he could never joke about that again.

Kuroko is not in danger. He is sleeping on the covers of his bed, curled around two other sleeping creatures—Nigou, and the old black cat Shiro who has valiantly carried Granny's sense of humour for 16 years. Kagami will see them in a moment, but for those few more creaky steps he has left before his hand reaches the door handle, his heart races a little. He has seen Kuroko in danger for twice too often. It will take longer than he understands, for those memories to turn into background noise.

It was in the middle of repotting a spider plant that Kuroko suddenly needed to lie down. He didn't say that his vision was blacking out, but Kagami can guess this much by now. It doesn't happen as often as it did before summer, but Kagami can't tell if it happens more or less than first year of high school. He wasn’t paying enough attention back then. One thing is definitely different, though. The causation from a source of exhaustion towards losing consciousness is not as straightforward to follow as it once was.

Kagami enters the room as quietly as he can do anything. Kuroko's easy, steady breathing calms his mind in a second. His jaw unclenches, his shoulders relax, but these changes are so small that Kagami himself cannot tell they are happening. His focus is on the unlikely sight on the bed. The eager dog and the grumpy cat are getting along. It makes Kagami grin a little, he thinks they would only do that for Kuroko's sake. When they can tell it isn’t the time to fight for his attention.

Kagami sits down on the bed. It creaks too, but like a whisper. A strand of hair on Kuroko's face seems to call him to wipe it away. Kagami doesn't intend to wake Kuroko, but he wonders if his face is paler, or feels colder to the touch than normal. He cannot decide. Kuroko looks peaceful, and a sigh escapes Kagami. His own worry brings the thought of Kuroko’s father back to his mind now. As much as he isn't appreciative of the fact that his place in the man’s good graces could be taken away on a whim, no matter how hard he has worked to earn it... there's also the fact that Kagami understands his worry. It isn't as misplaced as one might think at first. Excessive, maybe, but not untrue.

Kagami hasn’t seen everything that happens under the roof of this house. He doesn’t know about the morning Kuroko was brushing his teeth in the bathroom, and suddenly he wasn’t. His father heard the sound of glass shattering against the floor tiles. He broke the door open. Kuroko wasn’t hurt, but afterwards he was no longer allowed to lock the bathroom door and his toothbrush would always sit in a plastic cup since then. Kagami is still unaware of all the incidents that have piled up over the years, because Kuroko is always a little too true to his life style. You won’t see what is happening behind the scenes, unless you make conscious effort to find out.

And yet, the ultimate point of discovery always comes. It is now demonstrably true that Kuroko’s father was not wrong about the dangers of fainting. Kagami is the last person to argue.

And then, there was always the other thing.

Now, looking at the love of his young life, asleep, unguarded, Kagami thinks that he understands Kuroko’s energy better. It's not that there's nothing coming from him. It's that most of it goes past people. But that doesn't mean there's no mark left, somewhere in their mind. A vague sense of having missed something. Kagami is not articulate enough to put it into words, but he can sense it with more clarity these days, an energy that dissolves itself to accentuate its duality. An energy that hits the point of full overlap. The mistake is easy to make, but it is not a neutral energy, it is not "neither". It is "either", it is both, and that's what confuses people. It doesn't fit into the dual world view despite of encapsulating it. It isn’t about the shoulds and shouldn’ts people assign each other. It isn’t about your role, even if crafting that can be used to communicate what’s deeper than that. The truth resides where the words to describe it end. People can tell on instinct. And you can see it in the underlying patterns of how they treat each other.

It took Kagami a while to see, but Kuroko's father's actions were never simple either. After a while though, they do speak louder than words. It becomes apparent to the one who knows what to look for, that the man isn't just punishing his son for kissing a boy. He is also, no matter how much discrepancy acting on the underlying instinct causes in him, protecting his daughter from said boy. There is no way Kuroko's father understands this, Kagami thinks. Kagami would not have been able to see it for what it is on his own before he had the right context. But that is how Kuroko’s father acts, regardless.

That man is far from the only one expressing a view of Kuroko more inconsistent, more easily shifting, than people on average have of each other. He’s only unique in that he’s the father, and the one most conflicted because of it.

After Kagami was aware of it, he could see it everywhere, in the smallest and the broadest strokes. To Kuroko’s father, the ultimate burden of proof always rested upon Kagami's shoulders. It wasn’t even an undertone. He made it perfectly clear he would accept their relationship, but only as long as Kagami had proved himself good enough. Just like that, the father’s frame of reference shifted from “I cannot let this half foreigner corrupt my son” to “I suppose I can accept this relationship as long as this boy’s affection appears to me as identical to a man’s love for a woman”. Because with someone like Kuroko, the shift in projection happens with an amount of incongruence that is right below the threshold. It’s just mild enough to ignore.

The question is… where do projection and the truth, the push and the pull, meet?

Kagami knows that identity doesn't always coincide with people's perceptions of you. But he is also beginning to see that it more often coincides with people's subconscious, underlying perception than the overt, literal one. He can't explain it, but he feels how it is in the ways people approach and respond to each other when they don’t think about it, in the ways those interactions make you feel, where the direction of pressure, stress, ease and flow are. He understands, on some, subconscious level, that it’s one thing to be viewed as something you “shouldn’t” be when it misses the mark, and another thing when something inside of you resonates with that perception reflected back to you in the eyes of others.

None of this was ever an issue to Kagami. Even the fact that the most reluctant person to accept that the truth resides somewhere in the contradictory ways people perceive him, is Kuroko himself, doesn't bother Kagami to any mentionable extent anymore. No, it's always the same crux in the end. It's because malicious people can pick and choose what they see. How it follows, that residing anywhere in the ambiguous territory makes it harder than average to anticipate what kind of violence you'll be the target for. It’s not necessarily more or less. It’s just less of one kind.

Kagami is not worried because he thinks that Kuroko inherently needs more protection than the average person. He’s worried because he can sense what he can’t explain. In his gut, he knows that a desire to deny the relationships between certain aspects of yourself and the world makes you blind to where exactly the crossroads with the biggest risks for you, are. And Kagami has seen Kuroko do that on multiple areas of his life. It’s not that it’s just Kuroko’s own fault. It’s not that he should know better. How could he know better?

In that sense, Kagami understands Kuroko's father, even if he doesn't agree with the man’s methods of protection. Kagami thinks there’s another kind of misdirection Kuroko can learn. The kind that allows him to control or at least anticipate how people will see him. Maybe then, Kuroko could feel more secure in all of this. Less reserved. Wouldn't have to so carefully put away anything he might wish to express about himself. Not for fear of attracting the wrong kind of attention.

What no one in this house, not even Granny for all her wisdom, understands in this particular instance, is how much comes down to a word. A word Kagami has, a word Kuroko has grudgingly accepted as the only explanation for the way he feels, a word Granny has accepted all too eagerly in Kuroko’s opinion, a word Kuroko’s father doesn’t have. Because a word; all the knowledge and understanding it opens, or the lack of it, translates into action. Kuroko’s father, quite literally, doesn’t know what he’s doing... or does he? Is it possible that he, in turn, has a word Kagami does not have?

Kagami never really felt like he needed words before. He was fine with just instinct. Kuroko confessed as much at one point too. Being with Kagami was like a wordless bubble where he could be fully who he was, no questions asked, because he felt that Kagami saw him and got him right from the beginning. But the rest of the world couldn’t measure up, and you have to live outside of the bubble too.

Kagami leans closer on the bed, caresses Kuroko's nose lightly with his, barely brushes against the sleepy lips with his own. They have agreed a long time ago that it's okay to kiss, even if the other is asleep. But Kagami is too in his head to notice the slight change to Kuroko's breathing, when he lets uncharacteristically quiet words into the air.

– Hey, I know you still... hide so many things. Even from me. Even from you.

Kagami thinks Kuroko is still asleep. He scratches his head.

– It's not like I'm holding my breath, or anything. You don't have to tell me. Even if you never want to share your unfinished thoughts... Even if they’ll just remain unfinished, I don't care. Not really. It's not like I haven't already got everything that matters, you know... with you.

Kagami lets out a dry sigh and looks away.

– I have no clue what the future holds for you. It's not like I spend much time thinking beyond tomorrow anyway... It's just... a feeling, I guess. That I sometimes have. When I look at you. Don’t know what makes me think it. But it's like... there's something left. Something... that has been in your words for so long. Not just words. Everything. Maybe since the beginning. Something you know but you don't know. If your mind doesn't know it, maybe your body knows it or something. I'm not smart enough to put it together for you. I would, if I could, but...

Had Kagami been aware that Kuroko was listening, he would have stopped talking already. For a while Kuroko was so torn over the possibility of any conflict of identity. Like it was literally the last thing he needed in his life. The worst nightmare. Kagami feels ashamed about not understanding how it could be that big of a deal. He barely had any prejudice about who he was attracted to, at any point in his life. He could on some level and contexts be described as a lot more gender-blind than average, although it’s too conceptual for him to put like that himself. That is the reason he didn’t care, regardless. Why it was difficult for him to understand how something that always fit their relationship perfectly as long as it was wordless, unspoken, never pointed at, suddenly made Kuroko insecure, when it had a name. Not just with the rest of the world, but around Kagami too.

Things with names begin to take a clearer shape. To become more visible. Words have the power to affect how we see and what we see.

Kagami is aware of his mistake now. Even after Kuroko admitted to the core of his complicated feelings, the sense of caution didn't leave Kagami. He said too much once.

Kagami is no longer gripped by his own insecurities it sparked, and his circumstances over the summer forced him to understand none of it was caused by anything in Kuroko. After the summer, Kagami no longer questions how letting something to the surface—or being ambushed by it from the depths, could cause a sudden aversion to that which was just going along with the flow before in the undercurrent, away from your immediate consciousness. He understands all too well. About things that can alter your sense of reality and self. About things you cannot control.

– I guess I just wish you knew that I don't care, but that’s like, in a good way, and I'll be there, because I obviously do care, you know. I’ll be there whatever you'll do. And I can't say this to you, because then you'll think that I think you'll do something specific which I’m just not saying out loud. But it's not like that. It's so much vaguer than that, it's... more like there's still a piece of the puzzle missing. The piece that will... tie everything together in some new way. Everything you don’t know what to do with.

Kagami rolls his eyes and leans the bridge of his nose on his knuckles.

– I sound mental...

He turns away from Kuroko and lies down on his back next to the sleepy trio. In truth, Kuroko is now aware of Kagami’s every word and every movement, and something in him illuminates from the inside for the thousandth time, clinging to all of that, not like a lifeline, not like a string of light, but like a microscopic pattern that shouldn’t matter but changes everything anyway.

And then, Kagami says one more thing.

– You’re gonna be fine, you know. Because where the world puts an “or” you’ll always find a way to have an “and”.

At the last word, Kuroko’s heart races, and his eyes sting, but none of it is visible from the outside, just like everything else that has been hidden inside him, everything that still never was, and never will be hidden as well as he would like, everything he believes should stay hidden. Kuroko will believe that for some time still. The clock is ticking past midnight. The ocean waves are crashing too hard. The lake seems perfectly still, but sometimes, especially when the boy lying on his back next to Kuroko is close, there are ripples.

-------------------------

Some appropriate music I listened to:

#knb fic #kagakuro #TOTverse spoilers #but it's still a standalone #a confusing one maybe but still

[scummy-writes]

*summersaults in*

I’m not sure if you were doing the “tell me what passage, fic, line of narration, or anything you remember me by as a writer” thing but if not… I hope this ask finds you well 😅

I just have to say how much I really love how you write Arthur 🥺 I’ve probably read them all, and they match his vibe so well.

Some examples of my faves~ MC too depressed to get out of bed? That’s one of my go-to comfort fics. Midnight Impulses? Chef’s kiss. Truly rent free.

And so back when you had commissions open, I immeeediately hopped on it… give or take 30 minutes 😅 and I was stoked to have another go-to Arthur comfort fic I could lean on.

There was a moment when I was rereading it that I kinda just “huh… I know it’s ‘Arthur’ saying this but really it’s Scum giving me really solid advice rn as the author” and it broke my brain for a lil while. The same thing happened with Uncomposed Sorrows. It was kinda like a friend giving a word-hug to others who are stressed tf out.

(I may have reread Uncomposed Sorrows earlier today. I may have also gotten a lil emotional about it again. Hard to say.)

But idk, I think your ability to write great comfort fics is pretty rad. It’s a special kind of empathy, and my god does it seem vulnerable (I still haven’t talked myself into posting any). But I can vouch for yours helping me feel better during ~the sads~. I also want to mention that you’re always kind and empathetic, even when it’s just chatting, and that’s also pretty rad.

Sorry if this was weird/random, but if it is *Keef voice* you can punch me if you’d like 😭 also you absolutely don’t need to post this if you don’t want to, I just wanted you to know you’re cool 🥹

*dodge rolls out*

aww moth. I did reblog it but after a few hours i felt self concious and deleted it, so you may have seen it intially hahaha 👉👈 this isnt weird at all! this is very flattering and very very very kind of you to send. put the keef voice away!!!

i don't know if you *want* a behind the scenes for those stories, because I understand that the disconnect of 'this is Arthur saying this' verses 'this is Scum saying this' may sort of strip some of the fun from the stories, so feel free to ignore this part:

for the 'Mc too depressed to get out of bed' fanfic, and Uncomposed Sorrows, both of those were. well, I was depressed! The bed one I was holed up in bed for a few days in an awful depression fit, and then for the other I was very, very, very frustrated at myself for being unable to write. When I get in these moods (thankfully, the first one not happening for a few years), i do try to think of my favorite characters witnessing me in such a state, or. loosely an oc. and consider how they may react and how they would help. In both of those, i imagined Arthur would know the telltale signs of depression, how awful it can get, mixed in with a few other issues. I imagined that he's likely very experienced with both as well, especially since he has ptsd.

Arthur in those served as a voice of reason I needed to hear in those moments, or the voice of distraction- some kinda reminder that things are fine, and so that's what I imagined when I was upset. and I wrote those out usually in the moment to help distract myself, and that may be why they sound very vulnerable! because I was very upset when I wrote those. writing them helped me process the emotions and accept that, well, if it was a fave chara who could relate to what I was goin through telling me these things, then it made it easier to swallow and accept.

In a way, it is also me giving advice, even if it is Arthur saying it, and in a way, it is arthur giving advice I feel like he may try to give in these scenarios.

I think i babbled a lot and made this sound confusing

I am very, very happy that these give you a lot of comfort, and i am happy the comm one does too!! I really wanted them to comfort others, so i am very happy that you're able to reread them again and it helps you feel better.

If you think posting some of your own vent-pieces will help you process whatever it is you're going through, then I encourage it! it's nice to have it written down that our blorbos would comfort us.

thank you again for the super sweet message moth!! it was really nice to read and I've read it about five times now, ahaha!

[whorrorgrl]

What I Watched in June

So, this month really wasn't horror heavy. I had a lot of shit to do work-wise and when I did have time of leisure they were mostly filled with non-horror content. Currently I'm stuck on American Housewife (2016) and just finished The Bear (2022); even finished Pretty Smart (2021) and still looking for colorful, corny, laugh-track filled sitcoms that'll give me the impression that my life isn't completely dull at the moment. Any recommendations?

I recently watched a PossessedbyHorror video and realized the many 2000's horror I missed. Felt completely disgusted with myself and made a list I plan to whizz through for the month of July. Sadly soap2day got shut down because people still frown on gatekeeping, so I have to find another way to watch my movies. Any recommendations? They have to be legal! *wink, wink.*

Anyway since it's the summer I want to watch as many camp-related, cabin booking, road trip taking movies I can get my hands on while I die in this German heat. I've overlooked a lot of underrated gems, and hopefully I can make a post about the for those who want some inspiration for the summer.

Anyway, this is what I watched in the month of June.

Night Teeth (2023)

Benny is a college student that moonlights as a chauffeur under his brother's name to make some extra money. He picks up two mysterious women for a night of party-hopping around LA. Seems easy enough. However, he uncovers a dark underworld filled with blood, death, and generations-old rivalry. He has to fight to stay alive before daybreak.

I actually watched this one in May, but I limit my posts to only ten movies and shows since I can only post ten pictures a post, but whatever. June entry.

I'm really glad to see Debby Ryan employed after the god-awful Insatiable (Lauren Gussis, 2018). Something always annoyed me about her that I couldn't put my finger on. It might be that no matter how hard I try, I always see her as that annoying babysitter of that rich family with multiracial kids running around a penthouse with a random lizard. I try to separate the art from the artist, I do. She was pretty good in this movie as the soft-hearted Blaire, a vampire turned in the 70's by Zoe (played by Lucy Fry). Alfie Allen is once again playing some backstabbing asshole, only he goes by Victor this time. The entire movie is politics between humans and vampires when a treaty-like understanding between the races is disrupted. Because of his relation to his brother, Benny is in the middle of it all. I liked the story of vampires and humans - Ryan's narration is perfect for it; she has such a nice voice. The world-building was fine. All the characters are nice. It's a fun movie to watch. Seeing Megan Fox and Sydney Sweeney was a decent treat; it reminds me of all the years we missed to see Fox be the ultimate horror girl so I get a little sad. Fry just has that look of playing some supernatural creature, which is why I guess she's type-casted in movies like Bright (David Ayer, 2017) and Vampire Academy (Mark Waters, 2014). I'd recommend as a drunken, fun watch with some friends. Nothing to write home about. 6/10

2. The Pope's Exorcist (2023)

Starring 2020 Unhinged's Russell Crowe, The Pope's Exorcist is inspired by the real life Gabriele Armorth, an Italian priest, who partook in 100,000 exorcism in his lifetime. Crowe depicts Armorth in the late 1980's who investigates a possession of a young boy in Spain, revealing centuries old conspiracies hidden by the Vatican.

This isn't a classic, but it feels like one. Some of the imagery are inspired by 1973's The Exorcist. It had a solid story, horrific scenes, and a good-enough child actor to play the possessed. It reminds me of what The Nun (Corin Hardy, 2018) could've been. Considering this Italian priest Armorth is a real living being with endless documentations of his exorcisms, this could be a start of a new Ed and Lorraine-like franchise like The Conjuring. I no longer have cable and I live in Europe for the time being, so I'm not sure how this movie's being received in the states. I hope it's well. If the following movies are as good as this one, then I'll keep it on my radar. I liked Russell Crowe in this movie. I know him from Unhinged and thought he was John Goodman in 10 Cloverfield, but he's not, so..

I'd highly recommend this movie for anyone that wants that Conjuring feel. It's not a throwaway exorcist movie. You can tell the storyline was probably thought of for more than a session between coffee breaks. 8/10.

3. The Birds (1963)

Directed by Alfred Hitchcock, Melanie, a rich socialist follows Mitch, a lawyer, to his weekend home in Bodega Bay to play a practical joke on him. Things take a bizarre turn when the birds of the area begin to attack the people.

This is an actual classic and one of Hitchcock’s revered works next to Psycho (1960), which I did watch, and Vertigo (1958). It’s also known for its brutality against actress Tippi Hedren, who plays Melanie Daniels, by the director himself. Melanie is a socialite with nothing better to do than to stalk a man she had an encounter with over the weekend to continue a pun. The movie’s theme from the get-go is birds. Melanie meets Mitch in a bird shop where she impersonates a worker. Mitch knows who she is but plays along as she embarrassingly looks for a species of birds she doesn’t know - or any, for that matter. He leaves and she uses her father’s connection in some position to find out where he lives.

Older movies like this do not give a damn about logistics or how much a character gets away with. It’s very manic pixie but with cigarette holders and 50's transition soundtracks. Everyone and their actions feel like a fever dream, like I’m witnessing another dimension interact in ways that are similar to mine but not quite. How do they say and do these things?

But Melanie is charming and beautiful, so maybe that’s why she’s able to run around town being ridiculous. I can see why it’s well loved. Will I watch it again? Probably not. I think I’d need nostalgia to find this rewatchable and I’m three generations too late to the party. It’s good for a one and done just to say you did, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it. I loved the banter between Mitch and Melanie. I liked the ending where a traumatized Melanie clutches onto the once abrasive Lydia Brenner who found it hard to like any of her son's love interest. It brings you back to the beginning of the movie when Melanie says, “Doesn’t she know she gets a daughter?” Something like that. Sometimes I wonder what kind of charm, what kind of placement, a man can have to influence one woman to move from the big city to a seaport to be a teacher and have another not rush back home at the first sign of a bird attack. Venusian for sure.

Overall, I give it a good 7/10. Pretty standard for me.

4. iZombie (2015)

Up and coming cardiologist Olivia "Liv" Moore's life is changed when she's turned into a zombie in a massacre. Now undead, she takes on a job at the morgue to get access to brains, only to find out that she's triggered by the memories of their brains. With this knowledge, she helps Clive Babeneaux, ostracized detective, solve crimes.

I've technically been lying on all these "What I watch..." lists because iZombie should be on them all, including the ones I didn't get to do. Do you know how many times I've rewatched this show? Countless. Every time I do, there's always something new to discover. I am a whore for a good murder of the week/monster of the week, etc. It's exciting and fun, which is why I like Supernatural or Ghost Whisperer. Sure, there's a canonical B plot that happens, but the A plot changing every episode allows you to not get tired of the show. Unlike many shows now-a-days, iZombie doesn't spoon feed you information. It treats its viewers respectfully by not insulting your intelligence. There are always high stakes, the acting is phenomenal, and they don't waste your time. In the later seasons, they become more creative with each episode, dabbling in different types of storytelling. I can't gush about this show enough - I know for a fact I will be making a long, nauseatingly drawn out post on iZombie. Not to mention it has one of the best villain I've watched. They aren't afraid to be ugly, and you don't realize it because it's the kind of show that goes down smoothly. But when you really stop to think about all the topics covered, it's gruesome. The tongue in cheek jokes, the beautifully fleshed out characters, the thick chemistry between the characters - ugh everything.

Almost.

One issue I had with this show was its ending. During its last season, CW had a couple shows that were "big dogs." Legacies, The 100, Jane the Virgin, etc., so iZombie that wasn't ranking in as many views and writers seem to have wanted to wrap it up to clear for space. You could steadily feel the decline in attraction when it came to certain plots that I skip on my countless rewatches. The ending just seemed...there. It was a happy one, sure, but happened off screen and felt like the climax wasn't big enough for the final payoff. It's kind of like building up an entire seven seasons of white walkers and the impending war against them, only for then said war to entail unearned final blows and zero investments when it came to lighting. IYKYK.

I don't know how to better explain it. If you watched it, you know. If you're going to, you'll see. It just felt as if CW was just hurrying up to end the show so that they could free up some time slots. Other than that, 9/10.

5. The Boogeyman (2023)

Directed by Rob Savage, who also did Dashcam (2021) and Host (2020), The Boogeyman follows the Harper family who are still reeling from the recent death of the mother. Sadie and her younger sister Sawyer are alone in their grief, as their father refuses to acknowledge his own pain. He's a therapist who runs his business out of his home. When an troubled, unscheduled patient shows up, he brings with him something dark and dangerous.

I'm so surprised. This was actually good. I went in blind, no trailer viewing, but the name alone already puts thoughts in your head that this might be one of those throw-away movies running off of a fad. Polaroid (Lars Klevberg, 2019), Slenderman (Sylvain White, 2018), Truth or Dare (Jeff Wadlow, 2018), etc. Movies that weed out of a childhood game, folklore, trend, electronic, etc. They're usually decent, nothing that warrants any awards; just fun to watch. Despite the name, The Boogeyman is more than meets the eye. I liked what they did with the use of lighting: fridges, game plays, Christmas lights, a moon ball, the light in the therapist's office. The 'lore of the creature is okay, the horror elements are nice, the camera angles fun and familiar. It'll always confuse me how therapists run their practice out of their home, especially if they have kids. It's similar to Smile (Parker Finn, 2022) to where the entity feeds on the broken and latches on. The creature reveal was also good too and unique, especially that one face grabbing scene. The hint of ghostly entity was a cute addition. I'd recommend giving it a try. They say boogeyman, like, once so you're still grounded in the world without it feeling so cartoonish. 8/10

6. Terrifier (2016)

This slasher film was written and directed by Damien Leone. The movie features sisters Tara and Victoria and friend Dawn who are targeted by a serial killing clown known as "Art the Clown" on Halloween night. The girls try to outrun the mysterious clown who seem to not back down.

So, the second movie was a big deal on my dashboard, timeline, and home page across my social medias. I'm not familiar with anything Leone, but I wanted to watch it to see what all the fuss was about before beginning the second movie. Admittedly, I fell asleep halfway through - but I finished it later on. Some scenes seemed familiar, and I wondered if I'd watched it before, but I doubt it. Aside from the acting, it was pretty decent. Not as amazing as I thought it would be but still decent. I'm not sure what that creature is, but I knew he was unbeatable. There's like two more movies after, so I figured as much. The characters were ridiculous in the choices they made, the deaths were camp (which mean it's just a socially acceptable bad) and the setting was okay. That one lady with the "baby" was a conflicting inclusion, but I still overall liked it. Would I rewatch it again? Maybe not. 6/10.

7. Evil Dead Rise (2023)

Directed by Lee Cronin, this is the fifth installment of the Evil Dead series. Two estranged sisters meet up on a night that all goes wrong. When the children discover a buried book under the slabs of their apartment, it awakens an ancient creature that will wreck havoc on their night.

This was the star of my month. I wanted to watch it the minute it came out, but waited for my boyfriend to visit to start it a month later. I'm not sure why, but this month was very tiring for me and I also slept through half of the movie and had to rewatch it at a later time. The anticipation around it was big, as far as I saw. The opening sequence of the girl rising out of the water in the title sequence was amazing. However....everything else felt lackluster.

The 2013 remake was my introduction to the franchise. I have yet to watch the 1981 or the following movies in '87 and '92. However, the 2013 one was an experience. After going through everything the main character endured in that damn cabin, you, too, just like her, left that movie exhausted. The bathroom scene, the brother scene, the raining blood where everything on that set was red and grimy. That demon did not care what it said; it was going to get a rise out of you. You heard the most vile, deplorable things come out of that girl's mouth and it left a horrific effect on you as a viewer. It was so good. I expected that from 2023's. But they played it so safe. There's this one scene of the eldest daughter chewing on glass and the ridiculous line of "I gotta kill the creepy-crawlies that got inside my tummy."

Okay?

"Open this door like you open your legs, you group slut." A little better, but nothing's topping, "Why don't you come down here, so I can suck your cock, pretty boy."

I just felt like they could've been mean with it. I liked 2013 because of how much of a potty mouth that damn demon was, sent straight from the deepest bowels of hell. This one just didn't do it for me. However, Alyssa Sutherland's cheekbones? That has to earn some points. 7/10

8. Mirrors (2008)

Starring Kierfer Sutherland, surprisingly Paula Patton and even the late Cameron Boyce, Mirrors is a supernatural horror film about Ben, recently suspended detective, who takes on a job as a nightly security guard overseeing a gutted department store after the recent disappearance of the previous guard.

Is this some underrated gem? No. I liked it though, especially the ending. They scored big points on the ending alone. I'm not a pessimist, but I do love an ending where the entity wins. Spoiler. Paula Patton was a surprising actress for me since I'm not really big on her acting. She was decent in this movie, but still an odd surprise. I don't know, it's just something about her face and her reaction to things.

This deals with an alcoholic main character, so there's a plot of him being an unreliable character when he tries to prove the supernatural happenings to his wife, who he has a rocky relationship with already. This plot line always stresses me out; Woman in the Window (the book) made me sad for her.

Honestly, I'll never understand white people in movies. I'm surprised there aren't riots about stereotypes of white people's idiotic curiosity in movies. Why Ben went into that building in the first place is beyond you or my's understanding. Why he touched that mirror in the first place is another. Most of the issues these characters have in all these movies could be chalked up to their curiosity. Not minding their business. But I'm partially grateful for that curiosity anyhow because it moves the plot forward. Just could never be me. The fact that he convinced Anna to go back to that place just to save a bunch of people she did not know? Bizarre. Granted, she didn't have much choice with a gun to her head, but it pissed me off completely because, dude, who told you to explore a destroyed building and go touching shit?

Would I rewatch this again? Probably not. I honestly just watched it because it was on my boyfriend's external hard drive and we'd just finished Evil Dead Rise. It was decent enough but, eh. 6/10

#the birds

[songsforthepierce]

Album Showcase: The Sickness - Disturbed

Back in high school I was friends with this guy who hated Disturbed and I never fully knew why. All I remember was him saying all their songs sounded the same and at one of their live performances they sucked. I haven’t seen this guy in years and I don’t really care for his opinion on the band (or his opinions in general at the time). This is one of my memory associations I have with Disturbed besides “It was that nu metal band I would listen to some of their songs back in high school”.

content/trigger warning for some light discussions to mentions of domestic abuse, and racism. Oh and ableism since this album does I guess touch on like mental illness (?) and like going uh...insane.

So the album cover is of some man or humanoid...flesh...thing...and it has a label saying this is “The Sickness”. I know that is the album title but I am just gonna assume this is the name of this being as well. Are they like an SCP or something? That is my best guess. Also the description beneath the title...I wonder if that’ll be relevant?

Doing research on this it made me realize I actually didn’t know much about Disturbed besides them being a nu-metal band. The band formed in Chicago in 1994. The guitarist, bassist, and drummer were originally part of a band called Brawl. They had a singer by the name of Erich Awalt but he left not long after recording their demo. So they advertised for a new singer in the Illinois Entertainer. David Draiman answered the ad and joined the band. This album was their debut released back on March 7th, 2000. Even though it was released in 2000 they recorded this from November to December of 1999. I guess it took them awhile to record. I would usually go more into the process here but I actually will save that when we talk more about the songs and near the end. So I should say that I am only familiar with five songs on this album. Actually let me correct myself, growing up I only listened to two songs from this album and a year or two ago I listened to three more of their songs through an unlikely source. Also before you ask, I do not remember how I first heard about the band.But before going further I should at the very least mention that around the early 2000s nu metal was getting big and for the metal community at the time a lot of metal elitist types HATED nu metal. I get there were some acts that weren’t good but like every metal genre has good to mid to bad bands. Nu metal is not like an outlier in this. Based on the fact I only would listen to a few Disturbed songs growing up I want to see if the rest of the album has some hidden gems that were overlooked.

Track 1: Voices

The starting track is something. At first I didn’t consider it that strong but then I had to remember this was early in nu metal so this would actually be unique for the time...maybe. I will say that David Draiman does have a unique voice delivery though there is something about how he sings that reminds me of something...it’ll come to me later. So this song is uh about the mental state of the narrator. That he is going through some psychosis. Apparently in the early days of the band’s live performances David would be wheeled onto the stage in a straitjacket and muzzle, before breaking free to perform the track. Uh...hmmm...the early 2000s were sure a time for this sort of deal. I am gonna take a good guess that nowadays he doesn’t do that when he performs the song. Oh and this song became a single and got an official music video. I don’t understand why this song got a music video and was somehow a hit-HEY the main guy in the music video is listening to a Disturbed song! And it is one of the tracks I genuinely like. Though that changes into well Voices. I know I could talk about the plot of the music video being about an overworked office worker but I am more focused on the fashion of both the band and the audience. Mainly because that type of fashion I remember from when I was a kid to teen. That and David’s outfit is cool and I wish I had it.

Track 2: The Game

Okay, now this track I like the energy behind it. The more tech to dance-like sound mixed with metal really works here. The rhythm and pace are steady and keep building. I can understand why this became a hit. Funnily, I first heard this around two years ago when I was watching the old Funimation dub of Dragon Ball Z: Cooler’s Revenge. I was caught off guard when I first heard it there since I hadn’t watched that movie in YEARS. But it weirdly worked for the movie. Nowadays it is not used for the newer Funimation release of the film. Probably for licensing reasons. As far as I could find this song did not get a music video. Weird. So the song is about...actually I didn’t think about it until now. When I read the lyrics what it seemed like it is about a lady biting off more than she can chew with someone and this has deadly consequences. According to David,

“speaking about the manipulative nature of most people. That you should be cautious when playing with another person’s emotions or someone may make you accountable at some point in time.” 

Ah, yeah that makes sense I guess. This is a decent track and I do prefer it over Voices but nothing has really gotten me like “Oh I really like this track a lot” emotion yet.

Track 3: Stupify

Oh my god this track. Okay so I love this track. I genuinely thought this track would be later on in the album but no it is number 3. I first heard this in the end credits of Funimation’s Dragon Ball Z: Lord Slug which this was the SECOND Disturbed song in the movie but the third song from the band to be in a DBZ movie. This makes me wonder of there are some Disturbed themed DBZ amvs. I know there are a TON of Linkin Park ones so there has to be some. This track along with Fear and The Game was what made me want to listen to the whole album. I know I could sit here and analyze the lyrics but the song is called “Stupify” and the beginning lyrics are,

Yeah, bringing you another disturbing creation From the mind of one sick animal who can't tell the difference And gets stupified

Do really expect me to find anything deeper in this song? This song isn’t meant to be deep and I am satisfied with that. I find it really funny this became another single for them but at the same time I get it. It is a genuinely fun song. But if you want me to see if this has deeper meaning I’ll look. WAIT THIS SONG IS ABOUT BEING AGAINST RACISM??? FUCKING WHAT??? Okay so this was written about one of David’s past relationships where he was dating a woman he loved who was a different ethnicity than him and her parents forced them to break up because of their relationship being interracial. I would have NEVER guess this song was about this at all. I read the lyrics three times and I am just baffled. Like it is cool this song is anti-racism but it is more of me being like surprised that is what it is about. Well, maybe the music video will help. Well, that didn’t help me. It had nothing to do with being against racism. It was about a neglected child that might be the lead singer (??) being haunted by people who do the shaky head effect from Jacob’s Ladder (?????). Oh and there is some Christ imagery I guess. The music video doesn’t do anything for me. Now, does this song good a good job getting it’s message across? Uh, I am not the right person to answer that. But is it an entertaining song in general? Yeah, big time. Oh, fun fact, this song mostly uses synthesizers. That’s pretty neat.

Track 4: Down With The Sickness

Oh fuck it’s the “OO WA HAHA” song. This was one of the two songs I would listen to on the album as a teen (they were the only two songs I owned). I know there were bits of David’s weird noises from previous songs but it is way more noticeable here. Now if we put aside the funny noise this is an actually solid song. The whole “becoming a monster” to “being taken over by an entity and becoming inhuman” is a fun theme and one that tends to common in metal which here it is no exception. I also got why this got as big as it did. It has this nice build up throughout the song. However, the song is notable with the inclusion of the odd domestic abuse interlude around 3:24 in the song. I know there are those who don’t like it either because of the subject matter, or how it is inserted in awkwardly, or because it comes off jarring. Now, I would not blame people for thinking it was inserted in for edgy shock value. But that isn’t the case here. David has stated he has had “crap kicked out of me when I was a kid, on more than one occasion," but stated the song is not about his personal experience but instead,

 "I'm really talking about the conflict between the mother culture of society, who's beating down the child yearning for independence and individuality, and the submission of the child."

I know in the same interview he did discuss difficulties opening up about his more personal life to write lyrics for the album. That is no easy task, I don’t deny that. Now did he pull it off well? That is up to you. This also got a music video and I find it jarring they use concert footage for this song than like make a story based video.

Track 5: Violence Fetish

Well that is a title I didn’t expect from Disturbed but uh so this song is about the human necessity for some violent release. Though I guess my view of the song was more about the narrator’s justifying the violent desires. This album is called The Sickness so maybe the narrator got infected by the creepypasta violence desire syndrome or something. Despite the title this song is not really sexual or really provocative. Maybe in 2000s this was for both the mainstream music world and maybe even in the early nu metal scene but there had to have been nu metal songs WAY more very in your face about violence than this. The instrumentals for this track are decent, especially around 2:25. One of the weaker tracks for me.

Track 6: Fear

This was the other Disturbed song used in the Funimation DBZ Lord Slug movie. Hearing this first from there was both jarring yet funny. My friends made jokes that Lord Slug was just playing his playlist throughout the movie. Though I will say that Fear is my other favorite track from this album. I know this is supposedly about like how little we really are and how people say we are significant but we really aren’t or some shit. And that the narrator wants to do something significant or something. But I really don’t care about that. The lyrics not deep but something about this song does hit all the right buttons for me as like a junk food song. I am a bit sadden though this didn’t become a single (still am baffled Voices became a single).

Track 7: Numb

Funny there are two nu metal songs from the early 2000s called Numb. It isn’t surprising since “numb” is a common word. Though I do prefer Linkin Park’s Numb over this one. The beginning doesn’t benefit the song but once you get passed the slower singing then it gets a bit better. But this song doesn’t really do much for me. Out of all the heartache songs I have listened to, I would not have this as my go to.

Track 8: Want

The song begins with this nice somewhat industrial sounding instrumental until the 30 second mark were David sings “She wants me, no!” then begins mimicking the sounds of an ambulance. Okay when I say that it made me think of that nurse duck from Dingo Pictures’ Animal Soccer World. ALSO, I realized what all of the “oo wa ha has” and “ra ras” reminded me of. Korn, more specifically Freak on a Leash. Is that bad? No, not really. But it is a very obvious influence. Though Korn was big in the early 2000s and was influential in the nu metal scene. Anyway, while funny noises part is funny the rest of the song is about a woman who wants to dominate the narrator but is denying herself that. I think that is what it is about. Okay, that is how I am choosing how to interpret the song because it makes it more interesting to me. Outside of my interpretation this is another weak song. Wait, this song got a music video too? But why? This makes my belief that Fear should have a single and got a music video much stronger.

Track 9: Conflict

It is about enemies and eliminating them. It is a very simple song with decent instrumentals. I do find David singing “ow, ow!” funny. I don’t really have much to say about a song like this because it is...generic. Not even fun generic but more boring type. Well except near the end where the narrator talks about someone loving life but also wants to kill life. Mainly because the instrumentals and vocals really bring it out. It makes me wish the sound of the whole song was that section.

Track 10: Shout 2000

Now this is a cover of Tears for Fears’ Shout. This stands out as a track to me because how it sounds more different compared to the other songs. But it being a cover probably helps that. Also, when I was listening to this album at work I legit forgot this was a cover and that this song was on here so when it got to these lyrics,

They gave you life And in return, you gave them hell As cold as ice (Now, bitch, you're ice, ice, baby)

I lost it. I was just both confused but also amused by the Vanilla Ice Reference. Fun fact, that reference was not in the original Tears for Fears version meaning they added it. You know what? I like that. I think that adds character to the cover. Now how does this cover compare to the original? While I do like the original both instrumentally and lyrically I actually like Disturbed’s cover. The main reason because the song is meant to be a call to action and be angry about what is going on in the world. Which Disturbed made it sound like that with the heavier instrumentals and vocals.

Track 11: Droppin’ Plates

This was the other song I would listen to as a teen by the band and I am gonna be honest, I love this song. Not because I saw this as a deep song as a teen. Actually I never thought it was deep. I genuinely find the idea of a song about hitting plates on your head stupidly funny. For years I actually thought that was what the song was about. Smashing plates. Well color me surprised to learn that is not what this song about when I actually read the lyrics of the song. It is a brag song about how many records they are selling and that their music is the best. Hence dropping plates I guess being a slang term for making records (??). You know what? I am gonna go back and continue believing this is about smashing plates. I feel like if you are gonna make a “Our music is great” song then maybe don’t release it on your debut album and put it on a future album.

Track 12: Meaning of Life

Okay the instrumentals on this track are good. I love the faster pace, the higher energy, and the nice rhythm. The lyrics of the song about the narrator wanting to do more rougher sex with his partner. Though the rough sex is more on the REALLY rough side. I will say it’s strength lyrically that this is very gender neutral so the song can be made gay if you want. Which I am gonna do. Though the lyrics “I wanna get psycho” makes me giggle because all I can think is going joker mode.

Bonus Track 1: God of the Mind

This song was released on the 10-anniversy edition of the album and this is a decent to good song. It is fun I’ll give it that. It feels like a more polished early Disturbed song which benefits it.

Bonus Track 2: A Welcome Burden

This was the second song released on the 10-anniversy edition of the album. The sound of the song itself is okay. Not great but all right. Reading the lyrics this is a political song calling all metal fans to tell them that the world is dark and how this can blended in music. The thing is the song really isn’t deep. Look, I do like both deep and not deep music. There is a time and place for a song to have a simple message or a song to have a deep message. However the thing about Disturbed I have noticed on this album is that they aren’t really great on trying to make deep songs. When I would listen to the songs without reading the lyrics, they were weirdly fun background noise. I don’t go to Disturbed for deep lyrics, I go to turn off my brain. Though I am not against bands trying to be deeper if they are genuine and put effort into it. It just comes off that the band is awkward about it.

Well, this album was just...there. Was it bad? Well it is not the worse album I have listened to. But was it good? Uh, I don’t think it was amazing. I know this was their first album but they got lucky at the time they got big in general. The songs I did like on this album were Fear, Stupify, The Game, Shout 2000, Droppin Plates, and Down with the Sickness to an extent. I enjoyed those as mainly fun junk food metal songs. But the last two songs had more polish to them which for the time does mean they have done some improvement and that’s great. In 2015 David did an interview on Loudwire talking about the first album and he states the success of the band overnight. That it was gradual taking around two to three years as a local band. Which I can get that, being a local band there is a lot of hurdles you have to go through to get noticed. But one part stood out to me and it was this,

“So there was a long period of time before that and a lot of struggle in a city that wasn't conducive to hard rock and heavy metal. Chicago was an alternative town. It was Smashing Pumpkins, Local H. It was not metal. So we were blacklisted. We couldn't even play inner-city clubs. We weren't cool enough. We were too metal. That was something that wasn't considered cool enough. We had to force our way in."

This was just a reminder to me that metal isn’t a popular and mainstream genre. Even nu-metal which did get popular and radio hits as still not gonna be as popular to accepted compared to other acts. It is funny thinking that back then in their town Disturbed was considered too metal when there are many metal elitist types who don’t consider Disturbed metal at all. It weirdly reminds me when I told one of my friends that Black Sabbath is metal and he was shocked. Note, he is not well versed in metal as I am. I know by modern metal standards bands like Black Sabbath would not be considered heavy in sound nor metal. But they are for their time. Disturbed is metal as well, doesn’t matter if you think they are good or not. Now as nu metal is concerned, I do think Disturbed for a time stood out but I would not consider them the best of the genre. But I will give some credit for them helping the nu metal scene and for them being some people’s gateway into metal. I saw many of the reviews for this album being three stars out of five to five out of ten. The album for me is a middle score album and that’s okay. This does though make me wonder if the album Indestructible holds up. I have a few songs from that album so I will check that out eventually. Not soon though, I need some break from Disturbed for a bit.

#Disturbed #The Sickness #album review #music review #nu metal #metal #heavy metal #album showcase #long post

[teenagecriminalmastermind]

fear street appreciation week: day 5!

Day 5 (June 30): Music or Lyrics

today I'm tackling a different prompt for the day in a different way, and examining two of my favourite songs from the trilogy and their lyrics, and how they offer a pretty neat form of foreshadowing for schrodinger's antagonist, nick goode.

settle in, this is gonna be a little longer than my recent stuff.

let's first hit it with Carry On, Wayward Son.

first off, unrelated but props to fear street for rewiring several people's association with this song, and removing supernatural from that equation (nothing against supernatural except for the declining quality since season 5 and a writer's room that can't let two men peacefully be in love on a show about literal supernatural beings).

now onto the main point.

Carry on, my wayward son There'll be peace when you are done Lay your weary head to rest Don't you cry no more

nick is obviously shocked over the reality of his choices, as we see in the movie when he throws up in the bushes. he is very much a wayward son - not only sheriff goode, but also satan's wayward son.

he doesn't really want to carry on the legacy, but he is the eldest and reminded since he was old enough to understand that he has a duty to his family and to the goode line. that and the fact that it comes with guaranteed prosperity for them. he'll certainly be at peace after all this is over (or at the very least, with access to therapy).

Once I rose above the noise and confusion Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion I was soaring ever higher But I flew too high

Well, his plan was a rip-roaring success with just a hiccup - he did not factor in Ziggy Berman getting in the path of harm's way, and honestly that's on this fuckin idiot.

Though my eyes could see, I still was a blind man Though my mind could think, I still was a mad man I hear the voices when I'm dreaming I can hear them say

Satan has definitely warped his moral compass, if not completely annihilated it and installed a new one by now. He's still a kid and still retains some of his humanity, and this is his first sacrifice - a little too premature in the scheme of things since Joseph Goode got called to the devil's front porch before time - so he's certainly not as ready as they would have wanted him to be. We've seen that Satan's voice calls to the doomed chosen killer, so who's to say a little hand holding in the form of mental pointers wasn't happening with Nick?

Masquerading as a man with a reason My charade is the event of the season

ohhohoho, this is my favourite and also definitely the most obvious of the foreshadowing. here is nick goode, masquerading as the level headed, calm and stoic counselor who rose up to the occasion in this horrific time, not knowing that this whole hell is of his making. nuff said.

On a stormy sea of moving emotion Tossed about, I'm like a ship on the ocean

well, ziggy berman isn't making it easy for him, is she?

Carry on, you will always remember Carry on, nothing equals the splendor Now your life's no longer empty Surely heaven waits for you

I mean, he did get the favoured status of devil's #1 employee for several years, but sir,,, you didn't get that happily ever after you planned with ziggy, did you?

(narrator: heaven did not wait for him.)

and now we me move on to the next one, also from 1978 - david bowie's "the man who saved the world".

you can't bring a person who died due to multiple stab wounds back from the dead with just a touch of CPR.

nicholas goode made a deal with the devil to bring back who he coveted and loved most. in that moment, ziggy was face to face with the man who sold the world.

I must have died alone A long, long time ago

well, a big part of his humanity certainly died when he sealed that deal with the devil, and a decent chunk more must have been taken to bring ziggy back. in the way that matter, nick died to ziggy a long time ago.

Oh no, not me We never lost control You're face to face With the man who sold the world

nick would like to believe he didn't lose control. he brought ziggy back, so of course he still has control of the situation, at least in his mind. and the world is a small price to pay for his universe, isn't it?

#fsweek22 #fear street appreciation week #fear street 1978 #fear street #fear street part 2: 1978 #ziggy berman #nick goode #ziggy x nick #nick x ziggy #carry on wayward son #the man who sold the world #fear street meta #fear street trilogy #fearstreetdaily #Spotify

[friendzonefrog]

WIP Intro: Ms. Praline & the Evening Star

I hope one day soon every-one will get the chance to soar, for it is a feeling unlike any other. It is gleeful and freeing, and yet brings me to a strange melancholy. Why, how fortunate am I, to set foot in a vessel that even the great kings and emperors before me could not? How majestic that makes me feel, and humbled all at once!

Genre: Juvenile fiction / adventure / fantasy Themes: Feminism, mythology, and maybe astronomy? Chasing dreams and loving life. Friendship, kindness, self-love, and wonder. Setting: Early 1900s North America. Inspiration: The Magic Treehouse books, the myth of Hesperus and Phosphorus, and the steampunk genre, to name a few.

Premise: As a child, Mae Praline wished upon a star that she could fly. As she grew older and developed an understanding of the world, she never expected that her wish would come true. But twenty-two years later, she awakens to find a strange airship on her front lawn, and a mysterious letter addressed to her.

Ms. Mabel "Mae" Praline

My given name is Mabel Praline, but upon introducing myself in this way, I am often reminded of a European delicacy, or a fancy syrup for hotcakes. Now, these certainly aren't vile things to think about, but I'm always left with a tenacious craving for sweets. In order to avoid plaguing others with such temptation, I merely go by Mae. Isn't the simplicity of it just lovely?

Narrator and protagonist. A seamstress and budding inventor, she loves to discover and create new things. She is a bit eccentric, but still graceful and exuberant; fascinated with the world, especially nature, with a deep compassion for all living things.

---

Mr. Edwin Waterloo

 I asked the pilot what his name was, but he mumbled so lowly I couldn't pick it up. I suppose the constant hum of the machinery didn't help the matter, either. After asking "WHAT?" much too loudly and still not hearing his answer, I politely nodded and shook his hand, pretending I had understood. I didn't want to come off as rude. He is simply the quiet type, and I do so respect such gentle chivalry. Perhaps to-morrow I can coyly ask: "Sir, how is it you spell your name?" so that I might get a clearer answer.

Mr. Waterloo is the pilot of Ms. Praline's zeppelin, The Hesperus. Courteous and thoughtful, he has been on many adventures, and absorbed more knowledge than he lets on. He has a lot of stories to tell, even if only in a few words.

---

Vesper

There is something so celestial and serene about a moment spent gazing upward in the night, locking eyes with the stars and the moon. It is an intimacy I have always felt drawn to. And lately, up in the west, there is one star that never seems to go away. I'll glance up several times throughout the day, and find it still waiting there. Waiting, so that it may glow bright against the night sky. Has this star always been there? Why haven't I noticed it before?

Vesper is the goddess of the Evening Star (the planet Venus as it appears in the western sky, around sunset.) This is the very same 'star' Mae wished on when she was young. Vesper has passed on from the mortal plane, and now dwells in the sky forever, as a celestial guardian and companion to the dreamers who've looked upon her when uttering a wish.

---

Luci

She was surrounded by a golden glow that was brilliant, yet somehow rather cold. The twinkle of her eyes held a strange mischief, and something in her honey-sweet voice was biting and saccharine. A dismal instinct reminded me that not every-one can be trusted. Perhaps she was not the same soul who granted me this wish. Oh, it’s such a pity that there are those who would lead others astray!

Luci, our antagonist, is the half sister of Vesper, and goddess of the Morning Star. She is conniving and deceptive, unafraid to steal away the dreams of those under Vesper's watch.

✨My plan: this will be a children's book/short series!

I want to use vibrant vocabulary (with a glossary!) so kids will be encouraged to colorfully describe the world the way they see it. I want to show them that being gentle and compassionate is not the same as being weak, and that kindness is both powerful and COOL.

This is my attempt at putting aside my own pessimism, embracing wonderment, and honing in on things I love. I'm very excited :D

I encourage people of all ages to follow along on my journey of writing this story :) If anyone wants to be put on a taglist, lmk! <3

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

#ms. praline & the evening star #introducing my wips #wip intro #wipnook #wip introduction #introducing my wip #my writing #oc intro #oc introduction #oc: praline #oc: waterloo #oc: vesper #oc: luci #tw loss #edwardian era #steampunk #juvenile fiction #fantasy #adventure #childrens books #fiction writing #fiction #adventure fiction #astronomy #mythology

[bookaddict24-7]

REVIEWS OF THE WEEK!

Books I’ve read so far in 2022!

Friend me on Goodreads here to follow my more up to date reading journey for the year!

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217. Blood Like Fate by Liselle Sambury--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I received a copy from the publisher. This did not affect my rating in any way. I was curious about how this book would go because I will admit that I was a little overwhelmed by the first book. I just remember thinking that there was a lot going on and that the story could use a little trimming. BUT. Although it took me a little bit to get into this one because it had been a while since I'd read the first book, I grew to really appreciate where Sambury took this book. There were some instances where I wanted to punch some characters in the face because that good old empathy for the MC was coming in hot, but I, like her, grew to understand the MC's personal growth and how she was viewed by the other characters affected by her actions and decisions. I think that this is a really good portrayal of what it might look like when someone so young is given so much unwanted responsibility. Also, how it looks when that wariness for said responsibility is constantly being reinforced by the adults around the young person. Instead of offering support, judgment was the MC's keeper. Although, in retrospect, she DID make some very bad choices in book one and this book was essentially a "you reap what you sow" type of situation. There were also some really sad twists in this that took me by surprise and genuinely had me with my jaw dropping. This was a great conclusion to this duology because we DID get some conclusions to the multiple storylines introduced to the first book. I did think the climax of the story was a little too soft and there were definitely things that could have been trimmed down, but to be honest, for a debut? This was pretty impressive and a big story to write. I'd recommend this duology to anyone who loves a fantasy set in Toronto, and for anyone who likes seeing some serious character growth!

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218. A Proposal They Can’t Refuse by Natalie Caña--⭐️⭐️⭐️.5

This popped up on my radar earlier this year and I was immediately intrigued, especially because it is Latine rep! Plus, enemies to lovers childhood friends? Yes, please. AND fake relationships?! Extra yes, please!! I listened to this one during an overnight I had to do for work and it went by incredibly quickly. It was interesting and pulled me in right from the beginning, although I could see where it was going from the moment a hint of the final climactic situation popped up. While I loved the rep in this and the Spanish (so glad the voice narrator did justice to the Spanish accents), I was immediately reminded of this post I saw once where you could tell the difference between a book written with the white reader's gaze in mind and not necessarily with the Latine reader's gaze. This book explained every single instance where Spanish or Spanish food was introduced. I'm talking a translating sentence for every Spanish one spoken. I absolutely disliked that because it felt so...redundant for me and I can only imagine that it might also feel redundant for others who speak Spanish. I get why it's done, but also...let people translate sentences themselves because doing so every time is jarring and immediately pulled me out of the story. Anyway, 3.5 for the story and angst and enemies to lovers, but not higher because the translating and white-explaining of everything was annoying.

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219. Because of Low by Abbi Glines--⭐️⭐️

RE-READ August 2022 This book was so cringe. I updated my rating. This had the whole "Innocent girl is sexy" thing and it kind of creeped me out tbh. Especially when the female MC asked the love interest what he was doing and he said that he was watching her sleep and she said something along the lines of, "He was always so sweet to me." I just remember stopping and laughing because wtf. Anyway, yeah, this was no bueno and just eh. So much worse than the first book tbh. But I also get that this was a regular theme and trope in the early 2010s when it came to new adult romance--where the beautiful, white (usually blonde or redhead) was put on a pedestal because she's this symbol of beautiful purity that didn't know she was beautiful until the hot (usually rich) white dude came in and saved her. Which, in retrospect is a trope in another book of Glines' that I love but you know, I am willing to turn a blind eye sometimes when the book drama is too yummy to look away from. But this was dull and just, *shrug*. Anyway, yay. Throwback. LOL. Also, I read this for the first time NINE years ago. Wow, my mentality has hella changed, which begs the question: How will readers the same age as I was the year I read this think of their current obsessions with romances involving borderline psychotic or stalkerish love interests?

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220. Hot for Teacher by Whitley Cox--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I read this on vacation so I will just do a bullet point type of review based on my notes: 1. Loved the mother/daughter relationship 2. Loved that they both respected the mother/daughter relationship (the female MC and the love interest) 3. Loved the anticipation of the spice and the drama. 4. Didn't love how wishy-washy the female MC was, even though I understand her situation. 5. The perfect start to a series that I now really want to continue! I'd recommend this for anyone who wants a 3.5/5 spice level romance between a widowed young mother and a nerdy but surprisingly sexy teacher who was once the female MC's very young teacher in high school. Also, if you love dual perspective narratives!

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221. The Sweetest Oblivion by Danielle Lori--⭐️⭐️⭐️

I get the appeal of this but...it wasn't my favourite. I read this on vacation, so I will do a bullet form type of review from my notes: 1. Mob romances are always intriguing to me because the romance is a different but enticing level of dark. The kind you would never want for yourself, but you find spicy because of the separation of fiction and real life. 2. The male MC had a great character arc. I think he changed and grew a lot more than the female MC. 3. The female MC was a bit stagnant--she was the classic "great and innocent beauty...or is she?" trope. And I am still on the fence how I feel about that trope. Sometimes I love it, but usually I find it annoying. 4. This had a miscommunication trope as the main conflict and I hated that so much. 5. This book felt like it would never end. It felt so LONG and sorry, but also kind of boring. 6. This was a lot more of a slowburn than I thought it would be--which I normally love, but I found it boring in this instance. 7. There WAS some good spice in this, but not as much as I was expecting. I don't think I'm going to be reading the next book. I don't know if this author is for me.

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222. Blind Side by Kandi Steiner--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I read this on vacation, so here is a simple review: 1. Loved the fake dating trope. 2. The spice was incredible. 3. Love that the female MC was a romance lover because the tropes were met with the irony (like the moment where a guy mentioned that she was "not like other girls" and she cringed because she hated that trope.) 4. Ran a little long in some instances, but then we didn't get to see some scenes that I would have loved to see. Main reason for the lost star in the rating is because we were told of these scenes rather than shown them. 5. Not my favourite sports romance, but it was overall enjoyable and I would definitely recommend it. Especially if you love fake dating, friends to lovers, and very very spicy moments.

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Have you read any of these? Would you recommend them?

___

Happy reading!

#books #booklr #book blog #book blogger #Features #review #reviews of the week #book reviews #long text post #my writing #my opinion #on books #on reading #read #reader #reading

[indoraptorgirlwind]

ANT-MAN COCO AU PART 4

Back at the entrance, the guard let Ramonda pass, who was actually Scott disguised as her to find Peter.

After Cross introduced Peter to other famous people, he encouraged Peter to follow his dreams to become a superhero. Cross wanted Peter to see him at his sunrise perfomance, but Peter remembered his condition, and showed Cross his abdomen, already replaced by ribs

"I have to go home before sunrise" he added

"Uy, i really have to return you now" Cross gasped. He picked a petal from the numerous flowers he had, and approached Peter

"Peter, it's been a pleasure. I hope i see you soon" Peter glanced at him by the comment "You understand" Cross awkardly said, and he grabbed the petal again

"Peter i give you my blessin-"

"We had a deal chamaco!" A voice interrupted Cross in the background, revealing to be Scott, still dressed as Ramonda.

"Queen Ramonda, i thought you said you couldn't come to the party" Cross said, and the comment reminded Scott to take the disguise off

"Scott?" Cross then recognized him, but Scott ignored him and aproached Peter, who was confused and a little scared by the ambient

"Please Peter, put my photo in the ofrenda" he tried to handle Peter his photo, but Cross grabbed it

"My friend, you're being forgotten"

"And who's fault is it!" Scott snapped

"Scott, Scott calm down.." Cross muttered

"You used my suit and songs! They made you famous!" Scott was far from calming down

"But Darren Cross wrote his own songs and had his own suit" Peter said

"Do you tell him or do i?" Scott once more said

"Scott it's not that i took the whole credit, but you died and i wanted to preserve your memory!"

"Ay, what a good friend!" Scott used sarcasm to express his annoyance "Listen Cross, i have a daughter and i need to see her" this time, Scott's voice softened

"Scott, we both know that's not possible" Cross answered

"Darren, you said you would move heaven and earth" Scott was about to say something more but Peter stopped him

"Heaven and earth? Like in the movie?" He asked

"I'm talking about real life, Peter" Scott sighed, but Peter stopped him again

"No no, in Cross' movie, the bad guy offers the good guy a toast" then they all turn to a projector in the same scene where the villain tries to poison Cross' character

"But in the movie, he tries to poison Cross"

This scene snaps something inside Scott, who starts narrating what he remembered

"That night, Darren. The night i left... i told you that i wanted to go home..."

(the scene cuts out to a flashback, with living Scott and Cross)

"You're leaving just like this Scott?" An still alive Cross asked "when we're about to reach our dream?"

"I have to go Darren, i have a daughter and i wanna see her" Scott said. Darren grabbed Scott by his bag

"You have to stay Scott! Without your songs and abilities i can't perform" Scott just pulled the bag out from Darren and firmly answered

"I'm going home Darren, hate me if you want! But i've made my choice!"

Darren just stood with anger, but he speaked when Scott was about to leave

"I could never hate you, let's just have a toast before you leave"

Scott looked at him with doubt, and took the vase Cross gave him, drinking it to the top, while Cross looked at him suspictiously.

"I remember having a stomash ache, at first i thought it was something i ate..." present Scott kept narrating, and we see past Scott in pain

"Maybe it's the orange slices" past Cross told him. But past Scott collapsed, and suddenly he was dead, Cross taking the suit and songs on his bag

"Or perhaps something i drank..." present Scott continued, returning to present.

He was shocked, and Peter who had Darren's hand on his shoulder was scared.

"You...poisoned me..." Scott said

"You're confusing a movie with reality my friend" Cross said, nervous

"In all these years i never thought that you...that y-you" Scott suddenly yelled in anger, pouncing towards Cross, claiming that he only wanted to go home. However, Cross called his guards, whose tossed Scott away from the place

"I only wanted to go home! No!" Was the last Peter heard from Scott after being dragged away. Peter was frightnened, and he slowly turned to look at Cross

"He's not okay" Cross told him and when he saw that Peter was scared he proceeded "about what he said...Peter. I don't wanna ruin my reputation. I wouldn't like you thought-"

"That you murdered Scott for his suit and songs?" Peter was even more nervous

"You don't believe that" Cross chuckled, but then his face became serious and he looked doubting "do you?"

"N-no, you're the good guy! That's what they say..." Peter stammered

#Ant-man #Coco au #Peter parker #Scott lang #Darren cross

[apieceofmyheart]

My Dark Vanessa

What makes me nervous to talk/think about My Dark Vanessa is how real it is for me. In many ways, I could have easily been Vanessa given the right circumstances, and in some ways I kinda always was her.

             From the beginning she’s presented as this girl who keeps her head down, tries her damndest to not be noticed, do the right thing, and she’s booksmart even tho she doesn’t always make the best choices. She’d rather slip thru the cracks and go unnoticed than stand out. She’s not quiet but she’s good at evading when she doesn’t wanna speak up. There’s this lingering sense of melancholy and nonchalance within her which can easily be interpreted as being depressive.

             Then, out of nowhere this mayun comes and starts to notice her, something she thought she would never be. Well she knew eventually, but didn’t know how or when. Then becomes this deeper and deeper slide into a mess of a life she is not at all ready or prepared for. She gets hit on, “groped” and trained by this older man who is supposed to be someone looking out for her.

             I can’t get into all the details yet but UGH it’s complicated! Like okay so, picture it, me at any point in the early-mid 2000’s. Wuut? I was a mess. I was so desperate for anyone to like me, no LOVE me and drown me in that love and I would have taken it from anywhere even at that time. But you couldn’t dare get me to admit that out loud. Think of all the times I was all up on AOL, Kiwibox, BlackPlanet, Tagged, Myspace (my first time with catfishing) and all the other spaces in the world where in my mind the right guys noticed me and I could fall in love. I lived inside my mind where I romanticized every-fucking-thing possible.

             And yet, even though my story kinda ends there as far as similarities to Vanessa, it shocks me how much my real life ended up being like hers. Teenage puberty and discovering your sexuality (which maybe happens before teenage years) is so hard to understand. You constantly question yourself and everyone around you, wondering who to believe, and if you’re “right” by any of the choices that you make. You’re tryna understand your own voice at the same time as understanding those around you and you’re constantly reminded that your voice really doesn’t matter. And as a girl it gets ESPECIALLY rough when it comes to that. I’m not surprised... but yet I am... at just how many women relate to this story.

             For me it’s like, far too uncanny the similarities. I really wanna read the text instead of listening to audio, and mark the fuck up outta that book so I can really sort thru all my feels. But just, wow. I keep remembering so many things.

1. The strawberry pajamas

2. That first time in general

3. Strane’s constant flip floppery

4. Her parents’ refusal to even acknowledge what was going on - mom’s admission later on, dad’s obliviousness

5. The obliviousness of the students

6. But also on some real shit what could they have really done when all the adults were failing them?

7. Jenny

8. The fuckery of the other school officials

9. How Vanessa really was crying for help but not even noticing it like how she told basically every guy she met what happened and was putting her shit on blogs

10. Nobody understanding her side or perspective

11. The internal battle she always had from the start for all the things she was experiencing

12. But also how much she enjoyed it

13. But did she really tho?

14. Our obsession with “reliable narrators” when the story is literally told from their perspective and duhhh perspectives are always unreliable because guess what? Memory is a bitch and we’ll do anything we can to protect it at times

15. The constant references to Lolita which I absolutely have to read

16. The ways this book made me think about that movie Trust_

17. That strange ass “memoir” I read following this one

18. The way I cried this morning for myself and for Vanessa

19. The villainization of Vanessa when shit unfolded and how everybody knew she was lying but nobody AT ALL came to her rescue

Fuck the subject matter because it’s fucked up for a young person to have to go thru ... But. ... If you gon’ do it, this was absolutely theee way to have “the talk”. It’s messy. It’s every emotion all at the same time. It’s annoying. It’s experiences that are relived and reworked and reworded. It’s hard to understand. It’s too blunt and too real sometimes.

And that’s the beauty of it, how Kate Elizabeth Russell was able to put together this messy story that somehow put everybody in the conversation. It’s not only for survivors or victims ... it’s also for those who know someone who went thru it, or suspected someone else had, or maybe those who had no experience with it at all but after constantly being bombarded, came to their own mixed up opinion about it. It’s cautionary without being beat you over the head, this-is-what-you-do-and-how-you-should-handle-things. It leaves you with questions and feels. At least that’s how it went for me.

Oh, and for the reviewers complaining that the book was too repetitive, That was kinda the point. The story takes place over more than 15 years. Think about how many times you have the same thought in one day, or how often you think about the smallest thing that happened to you that has no relevance at all to your current life but you can’t help thinking about it. Then compare that to how much you remember all the big shit that’s happened. See? Real.

#bookreadereee

[ktheartsdaredevil]

the bookclub

matt murdock x f!reader

authors note: slight spoilers for those who haven’t read the song of achilles by madeline miller. it’s one of my all time favourite books so I thought it would be cute to have a tiny blurb about you and matt reading it :)

word count: 842

warnings: good ol’ fluff, god I need to expand my writing LOL, and matt as per usual being an adorable smartass

gif by emziess (on tumblr)

—

“...I could recognize him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world.”

“God,” you breathed, your hands stalling on Matt’s head as you put your bookmark in place, wiping a hand over your eyes that were welling up with tears. “How does she write stuff like that? Does she shit poetry or what?”

Matt laughed from your lap, his head resting on your blanket covered legs as he lay sprawled on the couch beside you. He reached up to your face, moving your hand and placing his own to wipe your tear soaked cheek. “I don’t know about that, sweetheart, but that was very beautiful. I nearly cried.”

“You’re just saying that because I actually did! Still am, in fact,” you cried, leaning into his hand as Matt laughed even harder than before, his voice reverberating throughout his apartment. He leaned up from his position on your lap to slide next to you, reaching his arm behind you to pull you into his body. He placed a kiss to the side of your head and held you tight as he grabbed the book from your hands and placed it on the coffee table.

“I just don’t understand how people can come up with this stuff!” You sighed, snuggling your face into his warm body. “How does she even put together those words in a way so effortlessly beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time?”

Matt shrugged, inhaling your scent as it enveloped around him. “I couldn’t tell you, honey,” he replied. “But I actually quite liked it. You know, for someone basically illiterate.”

You huffed out a laugh, lightly hitting his arm as you looked up at him, seeing his growing smile at your reaction. “You’re not illiterate, you jackass.”

Matt chuckled as he pressed his lips once more to your forehead. “I mean, you could try to teach me to read, but I don’t know how well that’d go.”

You groaned at his joke as he barked out a laugh again, sliding out from his arms and removing the blanket. “No, wait, don’t go! I’m sorry, that was a bad joke. I’m sorry.”

“You see, this is why I can’t read with you,” you teased, escaping his grasp to put the book back onto the shelf next to the others. The two of you have been going through quite a few books together, a hobby that you’ve recently gotten into. You’ve told him that you could just buy audiobooks to listen to, but he prefers hearing you narrate all the different characters and describing new worlds to him. And for a blind man, his book collection is quite large.

“But you’re so good at it. And I love our little book club. Plus, you’re way better than all those audiobook narrators.”

You scoffed. “I don’t think so, but thanks anyways.”

You returned back to Matt’s side and pulled the blanket up to around your shoulders, reaching across Matt’s torso to cover him up as well. Curling up into him once more, you rested your head on his shoulder and you closed your eyes. “I think that was my favourite part of the book, because it reminds me of us.”

Matt’s fingers found yours under the blanket as he entwined his fingers with yours, rubbing his thumb on the underside of your palm. His warm, calloused hands felt so soft when holding yours, years of fighting and scrapes and cuts seem to disappear when holding onto you. Every bit of him was flushed to you, body to body, soul to soul. He remembers praying to god the first time he met you not to let you slip through his fingers. He was so glad to be holding onto them now.

“Why?” Matt asked.

“I know it’s a bit on the nose, but I liked when Patroclus was talking about how he would know Achilles blind because I know that I would feel the same way too.” With your eyes closed, you didn’t see the smile that found its way onto his face, nor could you feel the pounding of his heart at your words.

“You’re right, it is a bit on the nose,” Matt joked. “But I think it’s my favourite part too.”

You smiled softly, turning your head towards his as he faced you now, his warm brown eyes gazing towards you. “Yeah? Not when the mighty Achilles goes off to war to fight for his love and for his people? Sounds a bit like a certain Devil I know.”

Matt chuckled and leaned down slightly to kiss your forehead. “I suppose it does, sweetheart.”

The two of you spent the rest of your night cuddled up on his couch, talking about the book and what other books to read next before dozing off to the sound of his soothing words. Perhaps, he should narrate the next book.

#matt murdock #daredevil #charlie cox #marvel daredevil #reader fic #fic #reader insert #daredevil x reader #fanfic #matthew murdock #marvel #matt murdock x fem!reader #matt murdock x you #matt murdock x reader #Matthew murdock x reader #kt fic

[ahundredtimesover]

Inevitable (05) | JJK

Pairing: Jungkook x (f.) Reader (ft. ot6)

Genre/Tags: exes au, parents au, baseball player!JK; angst, fluff, smut (18+)

Series Warnings: foul language, alcohol consumption, minor character death, explicit sexual content in future chapters (oral, unprotected/protected sex but be safe please!)

Chapter Word count: 7.5k

Summary: You convinced Jungkook to break up years ago so he could pursue his lifelong baseball dream. Now he’s back home, staring at you, and the little boy next to you who looks unmistakably like him.

Series Masterlist || Previous || Next

##

You’re met with silence on the other end of the phone as a response that you start to consider Jungkook having fainted or something. But you hear a long drawn out breath and sniffles instead, and you will yourself not to cry again. 

It’s been an emotional night, one you’ve been waiting for, and you wanted nothing more than to deliver the good news as soon as possible.

“That’s… that’s great, ___. Wow, uhm, he really said that? That he wishes I was his Papa? Like, it came from him? He drew me with you and him?” Jungkook asks, voice shaky. 

“And Mr. Choochoo,” you add.

“And Mr. Choochoo, of course,” he laughs.

“But yes, that’s what he said. He was shy about it, too but god, Jungkook, he looked so soft,” you huff, a smile on your face now as you recall how Jungwon looked earlier. 

“He saw me shocked, though, so he just smiled, said it was okay because he knows whoever his Papa is will find him soon,” you narrate, recalling how that caused you to ready Jungwon for bed immediately so that he doesn’t see you cry, which you did, silently, as you watched him fall asleep. 

“God, he’s so precious,” Jungkook cry-laughs. 

You bask in the sound of his voice, so tender and full of yearning. And you wish so badly you can see him right now, knowing how important this moment is for him. 

“I really wish I could take the train back home tonight,” he says, frustration in his voice. 

“You have a game in the morning, Jungkook. It’s okay. Just use it as inspiration. We’ll be here when you get back and we can tell him,” you affirm. 

The phone call goes on for another hour as you discuss how you’ll both tell Jungwon tomorrow. You go through different scripts, different scenarios, and possible reactions to make sure you’re ready. 

Even with Jungwon’s openness, he’s still just a kid; you can’t truly be certain how he’ll react and if he’ll understand. But you try to focus on the best case scenario and that’s him, taking it all in and accepting Jungkook, loving him the way his father loves him.

You fall asleep with Jungwon curled next to you, enveloped in your arms, in your love, the one you’ve given unconditionally the last five years as you nursed a broken heart and quelled the longing you’ve had for his father. 

You knew what you were doing that night when you walked out of Jungkook’s life. It wasn’t a goodbye, although you had to make it seem like it was; you felt that it was the only way he’d let you go. It wasn’t the same for you, though, because you knew that the moment you’d birth your child, you’d be seeing Jungkook every single day - a reminder of what your love can create, and what it can endure. And what you’ll continue to endure for the sake of your child.

It’s a big step, letting Jungwon know. The priority after would be making up for the lost time, the time that you denied them. You can’t say that you regret the decision you made all those years ago but you also can’t say that you’ll make it every single time; you’ll stand by it always, though. 

All that time, it at least comforted you that Jungkook was living out his dream, the one that mattered to him more than anything else, because his father mattered to him more than anyone else. He shined so bright in Jungkook’s eyes, and even with the short life that he lived, Jungkook’s father lived it passionately, courageously, fiercely, and with no regrets. 

It’s why Jungkook loved him with his whole heart. And it’s what you’ve always wanted your child to feel towards the man who deserves the world. You want Jungwon to always look up to his father with wide eyes and a beaming heart at the passionate, courageous, and loving man that he is, at the man with no regrets. 

If things get hard and you can trace it to the decision you made, you can shoulder that regret, you can live with it. As long as Jungkook doesn’t have to. You love him that much. You know now more than ever that you’ll love him always. 

**

It takes a while for Jungkook to step in your doorway as he takes deep breaths. You look at each other longer this time, as you share your first parent moment together - telling your son the truth. 

“He’s waiting for you,” you say to him. 

Jungkook nods and follows you to your living room where a Bears-jersey clad Jungwon is playing with a piano that his uncle Yoongi - whom he’s never actually met - gave him.

“Hey buddy, you watched my game?” Jungkook asks as he kneels in front of the little one, who timidly nods and proceeds to nibble on his lips.

He’s been quiet the whole day. Your son has this natural ability to feel with others, and you think he saw the melancholic look on your face the night before and probably mistook it for sadness. 

“You think I played well?” 

Jungwon nods again, avoiding the older man’s eyes.

Jungkook motions him to sit on the couch and you join Jungkook on the floor, eyes level with the little one.

“So, Mama told me you colored Mr. Choochoo yesterday at school. I’ve learned to really like Mr. Choochoo,” Jungkook says, picking up the elephant stuffed toy on the table. “Is it okay if I see it?”

Jungwon looks at his hands gripping each other on his lap, then shakes his head no.

You discussed this with Jungkook, how Jungwon would probably feel shy and nervous, maybe even guilty for wishing such a thing.

“Hmm, is it okay if you tell me how you colored Mr. Choochoo? And if you drew anything else? Mama told me it was really pretty.” 

The little one remains silent, eyes still not meeting yours nor Jungkook’s. 

“Hey sweetcheeks,” you try, gently lifting his chin up to look at you. “You might have thought Mama was sad last night, huh? You think I got upset after you showed me the drawing?”

He slightly nods. 

“I wasn’t upset, okay?” You reply softly. “I was actually very happy. I should have told you that I wasn’t sad at all. I should tell you next time what I really feel, I know that now.”

Jungwon finally looks at you and holds your gaze.

“Cookie is asking to see your drawing because I told him what you said,” and you hold his hands, as his eyes widen, to try and calm him down. “But he’s not sad about it, you see? Cookie was really happy too. And he hopes you can tell him what you told me.”

You and Jungkook let him have his time, let him process things in a way a soon-to-be 5 year old can. Even with this, you still want it to be on his terms, even if you may have led him there somehow.

Jungwon turns to his hands on his lap again, as if contemplating his next words.

“I said I wish Cookie was my Papa,” he whispers after some time; it’s so faint you could easily miss it. 

Next to you, Jungkook holds his breath.

“I really wish that too, buddy,” he finally says, lowering his head to meet Jungwon’s face. “But you know what? We don’t have to keep wishing anymore. Because you see…” He clears his throat and swallows hard, prompting Jungwon to look up at him.

“Buddy, I am your Papa, okay? I…” he continues, struggling with his words. “I… You… You don’t have to be scared about it because I’m here, Papa is here. And Papa loves you very much. The way Mama loves you.”

Jungwon looks at you, as if to get your confirmation. You nod at him, affirming him that it’s okay. It’s a very drawn out conversation. It’s torturous but you also know it’s necessary. 

“You’re my Papa?” 

“Yes, buddy, I am,” Jungkook smiles, the same time the tears stream down his face. “I am,” he whispers repeatedly, so softly, as if begging the little one to believe him.

Jungwon reaches out his tiny hand and wipes the tears off Jungkook’s cheek, a gentle smile slowly forming on the little one’s lips as his eyes get wider. Then he leans forward and wraps his little arms around his father’s neck. 

Jungkook is so shocked that it takes him a while to register what’s happening, and he hugs the boy back before it’s too late. Jungwon’s hugged him before but not like this, and this is definitely worth the wait.

“I have a Papa now,” he says, something you pick up, too in the silence that’s enveloping the three of you. At this, Jungkook hugs tightly and shuts his eyes to let more tears fall. 

He tries to steady his breath, careful not to be too hysterical because he wants to bask in this, he wants to savor this - savor his son call him Papa, savor his tiny body cling onto him, savor this feeling of holding the one person he never thought he could love with his whole heart because he didn’t think he’d even be able to create someone as precious as him. 

“Yes, Jungwon. You have me now, and I have you now, okay? And I love you so, so much,” Jungkook says, eyes still shut at the overwhelming feeling of joy and adoration. 

For years he didn’t even know that Jungwon existed. At the first sight of him next to you, Jungkook had this strange feeling of familiarity over someone he’s never met, but those eyes that shone as bright and as wide as his told him something, showed him something that was missing. 

The past months of getting to know his son just proved the connection that binds them together, the love that’s meant to exist not just by nature but by will. Jungkook has loved his son since he knew that Jungwon was his and it only made the desire for the truth stronger. This moment will stay with Jungkook for the rest of his life.

And you’re there to witness it all. 

By now, you’re standing by the couch, letting the two have their moment. You’ve let but one tear fall because you know that Jungwon’s attention will be brought to you once he sees you crying but you want it all on his father. You want them to have their time together, to let that undeniable connection grow and deepen even more.

Jungkook finally pulls away and looks at his son, who has glassy eyes and a shy smile like him. 

Jungwon jumps off the couch and scurries to the room, leaving a surprised Jungkook. But you know what your son is up to. Not long after, he runs out and hands Jungkook the artwork of his family - a very large Mr. Choochoo with him, you, and Jungkook.

“That’s you!” Jungwon declares, joyful disposition now back. 

“We’re matching, huh, buddy? You like it when we look like that?” Jungkook asks, sniffing his cries away.

“Yes! I want to look like you,” Jungwon says softly.

“You already look like me,” the older man giggles.

“I want like this,” the younger one states, pointing to the whole ensemble. 

They go back-and-forth and you laugh at them, heart warming at the thought that this will be a more common sight in your household now, as you know that Jungkook will want more of this to make sure that his son won’t feel neglected by him. 

Any other talk about schedules and what this new development would mean to both of you are conversations for another day, you decide. And you let this be for now.

**

The scent of beef stew wafts through your whole apartment and you pat yourself on the back for being able to make it as appetizing as this. You knew this had to be dinner tonight, whether things went well or not. 

The rice is cooking, the muffins look good in the oven, and the sound of father and son laughing is competing with the thrumming of your heart. 

It’s just been a few hours since you and Jungkook revealed the truth, with Jungwon’s reaction so much better than you expected. It might have caused Jungkook a bit of a heart attack but he’ll take anything as long as the little one accepts him. 

Since then, the pair has gone on to play a bit of music - with the older man on xylophone duty, and have storytelling, with Jungwon insisting that Jungkook will be the one to read him Lion King from now on because you definitely can’t make your voice as low as Mufasa’s. 

You got through two photo albums, too, with Jungkook insisting so he could at least feel like he hasn’t missed much. You were telling stories to the men, answering questions from them both. 

There was that first haircut, the first holiday, the first snow. There was that first stroll down the park, the first swing, the first trip to the beach. There were his first friends, his first day at daycare, then his first day at preschool. 

In most photos, there were your parents, your brother, your best friend - the constants in your life who have become constants in Jungwon’s, as well, who protected and loved him with their whole hearts, too. And Jungwon has loved them just the same. 

You knew there was always something missing, and for some reason, you believe that Jungwon knew that, too. 

He never asked to be spoiled by his uncles, never begged for their attention, never asked for more. Even if they were his usual babysitters on nights when you had to pull in more work hours, there was a connection but never the kind of attachment you’d expect from a little kid who probably wonders why he doesn’t have a father that he sees everyday. He clung to his uncles for love and support for as long as they were around.

But he would ask about Jungkook in his little ways, ever since he knew him as the man who fixed his toy airplane, who twirled him around and tossed him up and hugged him with every fall back to strong arms. 

He was never rowdy around Jungkook the way he’d be with Taehyung - who sometimes was more of the child than your son - or not as attentive the way he’d be with Namjoon, although even you’d be intimidated with your brother’s professor-tone of voice and disposition. 

With Jungkook, Jungwon was himself. Maybe it’s because they’re alike in many ways; maybe it’s because he sees someone who resembles him, laughs like him, enjoys the same things as him. Regardless, it’s like with Jungkook, Jungwon felt understood, seen. 

Each man’s love had been deliberate but because Jungkook had loved his son unconditionally since he knew, somehow you can’t help but think that Jungwon always felt that, too.

You think about all this as you watch both of them make figures out of clay, with Jungkook helping and molding whatever shape Jungwon asks him. They look so good together, so free, so full of love. 

Your lips begin to quiver as the emotions from last night and earlier today start to consume you, given that you’ve been holding them back for fear of upsetting Jungwon and taking away the moment of father and son.

Jungwon tells you everyday that he loves you, he’s a sweet kid like that. But you know that he’s also capable of loving another the same way, and that person is sitting next to him. He looks so happy, so content, so safe, like how he’s always been with you.

And Jungkook radiates with so much joy, too, with so much love and affection. He looks just as happy, as content, as safe. 

As Jungwon lifts up his finished product - a brown figure in white - and exclaims “Papa, I made you,” you lose it. 

You cover your mouth before anything comes out to muffle the sound but your wails spill right through, strangled cries and gasps for air filling the apartment now. 

Your one hand holds onto the end of the counter as the other one covers your mouth, an insufficient effort to not get the attention of either man just a few feet away. It’s uncontrollable now and you feel your face is soaking wet, eyes stinging from how tightly you’re trying to shut them. 

You’re still trying to hold it in until strong arms engulf you, and your face lands on a sturdy chest, the heart underneath it beating almost as fast as yours. 

“It’s okay, ___. Cry it out. It’s okay,” Jungkook says, his arms gripping you tighter, hands sliding up and down on your back. 

Your hand moves from your mouth to his chest, joining the other one, as they grip on his shirt and you cry, probably the hardest you have in a while.

“I’m so sorry, Jungkook. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to take this all away from you, I’m sorry. Please forgive me,” you sob. 

“I kept him away from you for so long and I denied you all this,” you continue in between cries. “I denied you both this happiness, this love. Jungkook, I’m sorry.”

Your words are muffled as you shout it all on his chest, his shirt undoubtedly soaked by now. 

But he hears you, he hears everything, feels the beat of your heart and the desperation in your voice and the guilt in your words as you grip on his collar for dear life, as if doing so can heal the wounds that have marked you just the same. 

“It’s okay, ___. I forgive you. It’s okay,” he affirms.

He wonders if you had someone to hold you like this during the times you cried, or if you ever allowed yourself to be like this in front of others. 

Jungkook wishes that he could have, that he was there for you; maybe you wouldn’t be crying so hard if he was. You wouldn’t have had to carry all this burden by yourself if that was the case. 

He remains like this, letting his heat give you the warmth you need, with hope that it could be enough to ease all the pain and worry from before, during the times you were alone, or felt alone.

He continues massaging your back, his lips leaving pecks on the top of your head as if you can feel them, but he does it anyway. He does what he used to do to comfort you, hoping it would work because he never had to do this while you were sobbing, because you never really did that with him. He knew what to do when you were stressed or frustrated or flustered, exactly like this. 

He doesn’t know what to do when you cry.

Your breath starts to steady, your tears not waterfalling as they were just earlier, and you slowly pull yourself away. Jungkook lingers though, his hands still on your arms, caressing them. 

You’re startled as you see wide eyes staring up at you, a frown now spreading across Jungwon’s face. This is why you didn’t wanna cry, not right now at least. 

“Mama?” He calls out.

You carry him because it’s been a mother-and-son thing to comfort each other when one is sad, as such emotion is something you’ve learned to easily share with each other. 

“Hey, sweetcheeks,” you say, as you try to wipe off your tears from your face even if new ones fall right after. 

He runs his little hands through your tear-stained face, as if they can do more than your big ones but you giggle at the act anyway. 

“It’s okay, Mama. I love you, Mama.” 

You hug him this time, and you hug him tightly. 

Jungkook weakens at the sight, as if he could cry again at this moment. You sounded so hurt crying on his chest earlier and now you look so vulnerable, so scared, things he’d rarely seen you be. But you look so soft, so tender, as you envelope your son in an embrace. 

He wants to do that with you too, with both of you. He wants to remove the damp hair that’s stuck on your forehead away, tuck it behind your ear and wipe the tears that continue to fall. But he holds himself back, afraid to undo the progress between the both of you. 

Jungwon pulls away and starts to kiss your cheek, the way he always would. You love this part because you’re reminded of just how much of an affectionate and loving little boy he is, and you can’t help but feel comforted and safe. 

“Mama stops crying when I kiss her,” Jungwon turns to Jungkook and reaches out his hand, which the older man takes and he’s pulled closer to you both. 

“Papa, you should kiss her, too so she stops crying,” he says, pulling Jungkook nearer.

You laugh at this to mask the nervousness you’re feeling, thankful that your warm cheeks can hide how flushed you now are because of your son’s proposition. 

Not wanting to disappoint his son - and more, definitely more - Jungkook removes the damp hair from your face, tucks it behind your ear then kisses your forehead. 

It’s not much but he lets it linger. He wants to let you know through this the words he’s not ready to say, to give you the comfort he wishes he got to give before. 

You close your eyes and just this once, you let yourself feel it, feel his lips on your skin again, feel the words he doesn’t say. 

Jungkook looks at you with so much affection, and then he giggles, then you giggle, and Jungwon wraps his arms around your neck and whines that he’s hungry. 

It’s so intimate, so real. And you can’t help but feel something for the first time in a long time. 

You feel complete.

**

“Mama, look! Is it nice?” Jungwon asks, as he turns to you sporting an Ironman helmet. 

This is the third one he’s tried and you just know he has his tiny smile on behind it. His voice is muffled but you make out the words.

“Yes, bug. But it looks big, maybe look for another one?” You respond.

“He’ll grow into it, it’s the only kids’ size they have,” Jungkook counters, as he helps Jungwon remove the thing on his head and the little one scurries to the next shelf. “It’s the one with the most features and sound effects.”

“What does he need more features for? The lights are fine,” you argue.

“For combat, ___. We need features for combat,” Jungkook deadpans.

You roll your eyes because he’s taking this whole shopping thing too seriously. 

After the other week’s momentous occasion, which called for a celebratory lunch with all your friends - including Yoongi and Hoseok who finally got to meet the little one, albeit briefly since they’re new faces - it has been a smooth transition for Jungkook and Jungwon, who all of a sudden have a handshake and secret language of their own. It’s adorable though, the way they whisper and laugh like they’re in their own little world. 

You’re currently in a store that houses the best collection of Ironman merchandise - according to Jungkook, who’s apparently done his research - and Jungwon came in looking like he’d entered some wardrobe to Narnia but his face had been the cutest it’s ever been and you take it. 

You’ve never been here before because of the intimidating size of the place and you always wanted to limit the toys you’d get for Jungwon; he has enough people spoiling him with those, except maybe your brother who’s taken to giving the little one books and plants instead, because, well, it’s Namjoon. You’re thankful for those, though.

“Do you think the material of this beach towel is as water absorbent as it says it is? Or should I just get this other one instead? But the print isn’t as nice,” Jungkook asks, and you scowl at him because “really, an Ironman beach towel?” 

“That’s not necessary, Jungkook, and you said you wouldn’t spoil him.”

“I said I wouldn’t spoil him right away, and it’s been two weeks so I think it’s okay. Plus, look at him. He looks so excited and in awe with everything that’s in here.”

“Which is why I never brought him here but someone was being a baby about it,” you glare at him, recalling how earlier in the day, Jungkook was pouting at you and repeating ‘please’ like a mantra for you to agree with coming here so he could buy Jungwon more Ironman toys. 

“I couldn’t resist that face,” he shares.

“Exactly. That’s why I don’t give him an opening,” you say. “But really though, watch him explore and inspect but he’ll only get 3 items max.”

“But he said he liked the car, and the remote-controlled figure, and the one with the combat pack, and the motion-activated repulsors, and the arc reactor…”

You stand with your arms crossed, a knowing look on your face. “Did he say that or you asked?”

“Well, he agreed…”

And it’s taking so much of you not to pinch the cheeks of this grown man who’s been caught in a little lie. Jungkook looks so adorable, the look on his face is exactly how you remember it to be whenever he’d been in a toy store or a baseball store.

“Of course he would. Because you probably looked so excited,” you laugh. “I told you how he is, he doesn’t like turning people down. Plus, he probably wanted to impress you, too, by liking everything you like.”

Jungkook nods in agreement, knowing how his son is. Even with his shy nature, he’s probably the type to quietly sit next to a kid who doesn’t have friends or share his snacks with someone who doesn’t have much. 

Jungkook smiles at this, a bit of worry that the little one may be taken advantage of but perhaps teaching him to stand up for himself is a better problem to have. 

You both watch Jungwon pick up a few things, inspect them, then return them on the shelf.

“You know he’d be wanting that growing up, right? Getting his old man’s approval, bonding with you like that?” You ask Jungkook as you both walk towards where Jungwon is. 

You don’t have to say anything more and what that would imply because Jungkook knows. He’d thought about this a lot, how as much as he wants Jungwon to like the same things he does, he wouldn’t want to impose, wouldn’t want the kid to grow up thinking he has to constantly get approval from his old man. 

Jungkook knows what that’s like, and much as he loves his own father, he knows that it was deliberate, too, making him fall in love with baseball. 

“Okay, buddy,” Jungkook asks as he kneels down next to Jungwon. “So, you still have some toys at home so why don’t we pick just a few things, alright? Maybe around 4?”

You giggle next to them because Jungkook would always push it.

Jungwon nods and looks at the shopping cart shyly. 

“I like everything in this whole store so go get what you want, okay?” Jungkook claims after you nudge him. 

The little one smiles and runs to another aisle, with you and Jungkook on his tail. Jungwon ends up choosing a plush toy, a simpler pair of repulsor gloves, an electronic watch, and the helmet that Jungkook said had more features, which is the only one that was retained from the initial choices. 

“Yes, okay. I’ll do better next time,” Jungkook laughs, and his heart melts at your cocked eyebrow and triumphant smile.

You all walk towards the counter, a skipping Jungwon in front of you, then you hear a loud gasp that causes even the little one to stop and turn towards his father.

Jungkook stops in front of the clothing section, mouth agape at a shirt that has an arc reactor on the chest, definitely a better option than the toy from earlier. His eyes are wide and you know he’s begging in his head for Jungwon to notice this.

But he doesn’t. The little one looks up and eyes a maroon shirt with a simple Ironman graphic on it instead. It's a kids’ size right next to an adult one, and Jungkook’s face falls a little before he smiles. 

“You like that, sweetcheeks?” You ask him, and Jungwon replies with a nod. 

“Okay, let’s get it then,” you smile.

“Can you and Papa get too?” He asks.

You laugh at this. “He’s really your kid,” you whisper to Jungkook, whose smile is so soft at the thought of his son wanting matching shirts. 

“Of course, buddy,” he says, looking for sizes for all three of you.

You resume your walk to the counter, with Jungkook mumbling that he also liked the “I love you 3000” shirt and was hoping that Jungwon would choose it.

“He won’t get it,” you respond. 

“What? Don’t tell me you’ve never watched Endgame!” Jungkook asks in shock.

“I have, he hasn’t.”

“But that’s the best movie ever!” Jungkook exclaims. 

“You’ve seen him cry over Toy Story, Jungkook. How do you think he’ll be when he finds out what happens to his superhero? He’s not ready for that. I’m not ready for that! For all I know, you cried so how do you think he’s gonna react?”

“___, I cried in all Ironman movies, okay? Also, I sobbed in Endgame. Like, at the end and then pretty much the entire movie when I watched it again right after. By myself.”

You snort at this and shake your head at him, but you’re also not surprised. Jungkook’s the softest dork you know who’s definitely not afraid of showing emotions like that. It’s why you two worked so well together, and why you think co-parenting Jungwon wouldn’t be that hard, too. 

In fact, you know it’s going to be a lot of fun, if the past weeks are anything to go by, especially today. Jungkook has such a bright energy, a contrast to how he is on the field. 

Out there, he’s serious, intimidating, and pretty cocky, but that last bit you secretly love for how much of a turn on it is, not just because he has the skills to back it up but because he has this look where he knows he’s good and he’ll make sure the other person will know it, too. You’re not quite sure how Jungwon will take after his father in that way, but you also don’t mind. 

Part of the parenting discussion that you and Jungkook have been having include making sure that Jungwon finds his own self, identifies his own passions, and carves his own path. As parents, you’ll give him as many opportunities and experiences as possible, making sure that he feels loved and appreciated whatever he decides to be. 

You allow yourself this short moment to imagine what it would be like to do more than just co-parent, as Jungwon pulls your hand for him to hold as his other one holds Jungkook’s hand, too, as you walk out the store. 

He sways both his arms and there’s this new kind of glow to his face, a new kind of joy, something that’s more apparent when the three of you are together. You want to see this look on Jungwon everyday if possible, but that might be too much to ask. 

The little one tugs your arm and points to the cotton candy stand and you motion for him to tell his father, as you know that it will still take getting used to for Jungwon to ask Jungkook for things.

“It’s okay,” you whisper. “Papa likes those, too.”

Jungwon takes your word for it and tugs Jungkook’s hand this time and points to the stand, causing the older man’s face to light up. 

You’re carrying the little one as he watches in awe at the way the puffy cloud is shaped into an adorable-looking pig. After a few minutes of admiring it, Jungkook takes a piece and feeds Jungwon, whose eyes close in delight at the taste. His arms are hanging from your neck as he leans closer to Jungkook who alternates feeding himself and his son.

“Not too much, bug,” you say softly. 

He nods and tells you to taste it and you shake your head because sweets aren't really your thing, but you eventually give in to Jungwon's sad face. 

“Papa, feed Mama, too!”

Jungkook notices your scandalized face, although it is just cotton candy, but he’s amused, and a little giddy, too. He knows this isn’t something worthy of rejecting your little boy over so he smiles at you before he feeds you with a small piece of the cloud-like treat.

You make a face and Jungwon laughs at you and you gush at how this whole thing is making him happy. He deserves all this and more.

That night, you and Jungkook tuck him in bed as the little one’s eyes’ droop at the sound of his father’s soft humming of a lullaby, a contented smile gracing his face. 

Jungkook kisses the little one’s forehead and caresses his cheek. “I love you so much, buddy,” he says, and just like Jungwon earlier today, there’s a glow, a new kind of joy on Jungkook’s face. It fits him well, and he looks even more beautiful like this. 

He lingers next to Jungwon and the way he looks just makes you happy, hopeful. You’re collecting moments. You think for now, this is all you can do.

**

It’s been a bad day.

No, scratch that. It’s been a terrible day.

You’d just spent the whole morning arguing with building owners and your head is about to explode. What’s worse is you couldn’t even show exactly how angry you were because Jungwon is with you, and he can’t see his Mama fight people. You also can’t express just how frustrated you are because again, Jungwon is with you and he can’t hear his Mama curse and scream at the world.

Perhaps things have been too good lately. The past couple of weeks have been filled with more outdoor dates, movies and activities at your apartment, baseball games, bonding with the rest of the guys with Jungwon taking a liking to them, especially Hoseok who risks breaking his bones just to hear the little one laugh, and video calls when Jungkook has away games. 

You’re less stressed at work because you can actually focus, since there’s a Jungkook to pick Jungwon up from daycare or look after him when you need to pull an all-nighter.

Perhaps this is the universe’s way of balancing things out because this isn’t the situation you were really hoping for.

Jin opens the door to his loft, the venue of today’s gathering because you’re doing taste tests for his new restaurant. It’s something you’re happy about because at least, you have your friends’ voices of reason for times like this. 

Jungkook notices your agitated face and approaches you. You immediately give Jungwon to him, who smoothly moves from your arms to his father’s, and you stay by the window to try to get yourself together.

Your friends know to leave you be when you’re in distress and Jungkook keeps an eye on you. It’s when you grip your necklace - the moon and stars one that he gave you when you were together - and take deep breaths that he leaves Jungwon with his uncles, and walks over to you. Those had always been your tell.

Calming you down used to be his expertise. He’s not sure about now but you’ve been on such good terms that he thinks it’s worth a try.

“Hey, what’s going on?” He asks, voice laced with worry.

“I…” You start, checking on Jungwon first before you say anything.

“He’s okay, Hoseok and Jimin are playing with him,” Jungkook says.

You move towards where the rest of the guys are and release a long breath.

“So, apparently the apartment we’re supposed to move into in two weeks has mold and the idiot of a building owner insists that it’s okay like that shit’s fine and like I don’t have a kid.” You huff.

“And he won’t give us the corner unit because it’s reserved for when he needs a place for his mistress and he offered the one in the 7th floor! I have a child! And there’s no elevator there!” You exclaim

“And your current apartment?” Yoongi finally asks after a while, everyone else just watching you unload. 

“My lease ends this month and that other idiot of a building owner won’t let me extend it until I find a new place because he says someone’s moving in. I’m friends with his daughter. She said no one’s moving in. He’s just lying because he hates me,” you pant.

“Why does he hate you?” Jungkook asks, tone bitter.

“He’s a grumpy man who, in the very rare times that Jungwon threw tantrums, decided he dislikes little kids.”

“His own probably hates him, since his daughter is ratting him out,” Yoongi says.

“Well, I may have also paid my rent late but like, just thrice in the past year and he just doesn’t have any form of compassion for this hardworking mother who has the sweetest child in the world,” you pout, and Jungkook giggles to himself because you’d never been this dramatic, although the situation does call for a bit of that.

“I’m sure you’ll find another place,” Yoongi offers, like it’s that simple.

“That apartment was in the best location. I was lucky to have even found one there that I could afford, so it’ll take time,” you explain, shoulders sagging now, as if in defeat. “It’s close to the kindergarten that Jungwon is enrolled in for next month and the primary school we plan to enroll him in next year.”

We. Jungkook smiles at this. You’ve been saying that a lot lately. 

“And it’s in a nice district, too, and it’s safe and it has parks nearby. Ugh, stupid assholes had to ruin it for us. And it’s Jungwon’s birthday soon and I was really hoping to be settled by then,” you continue, eyebrows scrunched in frustration.

It’s silent for a while with everyone just staring at you, as if the answer is literally in front of you. 

“So in short, you’ll be homeless in 2 weeks and you need a place to stay,” Yoongi clarifies.

“Yes… well that’s oversimplified but—“

“You do know that you have a whole ass baby daddy here who’s very capable and hoping to—“ Jin grunts, interrupted by a painful elbow to his gut, with Jungkook glaring at him. 

He faces you and smiles, a complete 180 from how he was just with Jin.

“What he actually means is that my apartment is near Jungwon’s school. I have spare bedrooms you can use. It has amenities and parks nearby, and it’s safe,” he says calmly.

Jungkook’s actually nervous about how you’ll take the suggestion. When Jin mentioned having you and Jungwon move in, Jungkook hasn’t stopped thinking about it ever since. He’s glad for the opening, as he wouldn’t know how to bring it up without scaring you away.

“You’re asking me, I mean us, to move in with you? I mean, for now?” You ask nervously. 

“Sure, why not? I mean, if it’s okay with you. It’s practical, you won’t have to worry about anything, and… it’d be nice to come home to, you know…” He clears his throat. “It’d be nice to get to see Jungwon everyday.”

You don’t miss your friends’ looks of agreement; even Namjoon has a soft smile on. 

You still, suddenly nervous at the thought of living with Jungkook, even if you convince yourself that should you agree, it’s just temporary because you still intend to find a place on your own. Your co-parenting discussions with him were always based on the premise of living separately so you don’t think you should stray from that initial plan. 

The guys notice your nervousness and decide to move to the other side of the room to give you and Jungkook some privacy.

You take this time to think about it. While you fear for your heart that would probably flutter and sigh at the thought of seeing your ex-boyfriend everyday, you also know you don’t have that many options.

“I’m not agreeing right now but are you sure you’re okay with that?” You ask Jungkook as he stands in front of you, your eyes anxious to meet his. 

You know it’s a silly question but you need to hear it again, you need to know that it’s something he wants, too. It seems like a practical step but it’s still a big one. More than that, though, you know it would be good for father and son to spend everyday together, and you don’t want to get in between that.

Jungkook senses this and this version of you is someone he knows how to deal with.

“Yes, I am sure. I would very much like for you and Jungwon to stay with me. I think it’ll be easier for all of us. While you, uh, look for—“

“Another place to stay, yes,” you finish. You look at him nervously. 

There’s more you want to say, like things are getting hard and you need more than just to help with Jungwon, you need him. You want to say, too, that the past weeks have been great but it’s also been difficult trying to control your feelings for him, ones you’re sure that never really went away. You want to tell him that you miss his hugs, his kisses, his warmth; you miss his love. 

“Yeah, of course,” he responds, looking away briefly. 

He hears your bated breaths, though, feels your anxiety from where he stands, and he wants nothing more than to ease your worries.

He turns his gaze on you and engulfs your hands in his, his warm touch sending shivers through you. It’s so familiar and something you’ve been yearning for. You return his look and will your heart to still. 

“You’re not alone in worrying about this, okay?” He says, grounding you. “There are options and we’ll figure this out together, and I don’t wanna pressure you but this is kind of a time-sensitive thing,” he smiles. 

“So I’ll be forward and tell you now that I prefer that you and Jungwon stay with me. For how long, I don’t care, we’ll figure that out, too. I just…” He continues. “I'd rather have you there with me. I want you both there with me. It’s much safer and practical.”

There’s no point in delaying it. Whatever the consequences of this arrangement would be, you and Jungkook will figure that out, too. At least you’ll do it together. So you nod your agreement. 

He smiles and pulls you in for a hug, something you both now do when you say your goodbyes, due in part to the not-so-subtle prodding of your son. You know it’s also because Jungkook can tell that you’re stressed over this and just like before, he’s trying to tell you that it’s going to be okay, that you’re not alone in this anymore. 

You bask in Jungkook’s warmth, your arms wrapping tightly around his waist, not minding the snickers and knowing looks of your friends. 

It’s not long before you hear tiny footsteps approaching you and a tug on your shirt. You and Jungkook pull away from the hug and find a wide-eyed Jungwon looking up at you, a soft smile gracing his face. 

“I want a hug, too!” He states, arms raised.

Jungkook laughs and carries the little one in his left arm, with his right one pulling you closer, then settling it lightly on your waist. 

“You jealous, buddy?” Jungkook chuckles, earning a playful glare from you.

“I like it when Mama and Papa hug me,” Jungwon explains. 

“I know, sweetcheeks,” you say, taking a deep breath, knowing there’s no taking this back after. You take the risk, as you look at how Jungkook is looking tenderly at you and it’s giving you hope.

“Will you like it if Mama and Papa hug you everyday?” You ask. “Would you like it, too, if you see Papa everyday?”

The little one nods vigorously, and you and Jungkook laugh at this. 

“Okay, then you will.” You kiss his cheek and look at Jungkook, as if in agreement. “Let’s see Papa everyday, okay bug?”

Jungwon squeals and proceeds to kiss you and Jungkook on the cheeks, another moment that you know you’ll be getting a lot more of moving forward. 

“We’re doing this, huh?” Jungkook asks, as he puts the little one down who’s insisting that his uncles are waiting for him. 

“We are. Together, right?” You respond.

“Together.”

##

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#jungkook fic #jungkook x reader #jungkook angst #jungkook fluff #jungkook smut #jeon jungkook x reader #jungkook fanfiction #parents au #exes au #baseball player jk #inevitable #series

[winchester-reload]

Hi! I've been a huge supernatural and destiel fan for many years and also identify as bi and lately I've been wondering why did so many lgbti+ people loved spn and destiel when the show had very little representation and basically did queerbatting. I would love to read your thoughts on that

Anon, I can literally see thousands of posts from over the years, flash by my eyes as you ask me this. All of them, answered by people way more qualified than I. It is, absolutely, the all-consuming question for the ages, and it certainly hasn’t subsided with the conclusion of the show.

My answer? Subtext. And before you get all up-in-arms about subtext not being part of "canon”, I challenge you to name a good story that hasn’t relied on it. I challenge you to name a story that doesn’t have it at all. I actually challenge you to take a moment from your own life that doesn’t require subtext to properly understand.

Subtext is the story that happens in between the words. It is, at its core, a necessary component to any story, but especially a story whose narrator is unreliable: IE: Dean Winchester.

Now, there are gonna be people who jump on this post and point out to be that Sam was the main character of Supernatural, and I’ll tip my hat, and refill my whiskey, and remind them that that was only true for the first few seasons. Dean was quick to take over as the main narrator from there, and I won't get into why because I don’t know for sure. I can only venture a guess. 

But I do know how a story works.

And in Supernatural, the story includes monsters and demons. Angels and wars, but mostly, there is love. Love, and the difficulties associated with it: Both familial and romantic.

This love, it wreaks havoc for Sam.

It wreaks havoc for Dean...

Oh, shit, look at this, it wreaks a helluva lot of havoc for Castiel. So much havoc, in fact, that he ends up fundamentally changing as a character, canonically falling in love with Dean, and saving the entire world because of it. 

Dean, himself, is so utterly consumed by his own love for Cas that they can’t even show Castiel’s character on screen again without outing him.

 “Now, Jackie,” you might say (condescendingly). “Your twisted desiel mind is extrapolating.” 

Maybe, but I just don’t think so. Because, the truth is, Cas cannot be changed as much as he is without Dean being changed too. The reality is, love is built. It does not exist in a vacuum. In order for Cas to get where he is at the point of 15x18 when he sacrificed himself to the knowledge that he’s in love with Dean, it necessarily had to be built off of the give and take he’d experienced from Dean himself. Whatever Cas had, it became stronger with what Dean gave him, and vice versa. Strong enough, that together they were able to save everyone, even if Cas could not, in the end, save himself. 

And you could make the argument that unrequited love exists, and I’ll agree with you wholeheartedly, but Dean and Castiel are a poor example of this. 

The love between them is very much requited throughout the show, illustrated through: Dean’s consuming alcoholism when Cas is dead, carrying the coat around from car to car, the mixtape ffs, I could seriously go on. The argument that it’s not requited is a straw man. If you have any ability to read narrative at all, you can see that they love each other. If what you need for confirmation is akin to an Apple User Agreement, then I’m sorry, you’ve just got a pair of intentional blinders strapped to your face and I have no interest in humoring you.

Just because Dean was never able to voice his truth in the same was Cas was, doesn’t mean it’s not still there in the rune work. If I, anon, identify as bi, am I not still bi even if the people to whom I speak do not know? Do they need to be told in order for it to be true? Or does the truth have intrinsic value?

If not, then I’ll certainly throw down the argument that it’s confirmed through the intentional textual scrubbing of 15x20 and ultimate death of Dean written in lieu of self actualization and catharsis. 

So, I guess my answer would be, it drew lgbtq+ people because it was about lgbtq+ people, even if the showrunners refused to accept it.* 

* Though there’s plenty of evidence that at least some of them were not only aware but also actively pushing for it.

#Anonymous #supernatural #destiel #spn meta #my meta #my art

[zephyr-thedragon]

*DRAMATIC ENTRANCE*

hello, loyal listeners

how long has it been, a week? two weeks? who knows, since i posted rapunzel. it hasn't been very long, HOWEVER, i am here to present to you a project i am very excited about

you see it was about a year ago when i made a promise, a promise yet to be fulfilled, that I would write you guys a wolflet song

well lads, the day has come

im not quite sure what route i meant to take with little red riding hood, but it turned out to be most of all, a tale of caution

like I say with all of my songs, you may interpret this however you wish, but when i read it, i think of a girl who was daring and brave, fallen at the hands of the kind wolf

at the beginning of the song the narrator's presence is very strong, constantly warning litte red and reminding her to be vigilant, reminding her of what the wolf is capable of

but as the song continues the narrator's voice fades into little red's until she's the only voice you can hear at the very end, and the bridge is like her breakthrough moment

i could honestly write a whole essay about these lyrics but for your guys' sake i'm gonna stop there kdfgjh

i'm very proud of this one :)

hope y'all enjoy!!!

Little Red Riding Hood

Written be me, for Scarlet (and Wolf)

Guitar base chords: Am Em F E7

‎

[Verse 1]

See what I can’t see

It’s all up to me now

To me now

‎

Living so naive,

I can tell how

It didn’t end well

Didn't end well

‎

Falling the whole way

The air feels different today

Are you still sure of your prey

‎

Stories are just that

But you know that within them

The truth can always be found within the act

‎

[Chorus]

Little red riding hood

Follow the wolf but don't get bitten

Follow the path but don't go far in or you'll get lost

‎

Little red riding hood

Oh keep your head no don’t lose it

Even when he speaks to you, like you’re the only thing that matters

It’s not worth it

‎

I can tell your brave, you’re determined

But you can be stubborn, you can be stupid

They're a part of each other, there isn’t much to it

‎

But in the middle of the night

When the moon steals the blank sky

Don’t look away

Don’t close your eyes

‎(Little red riding hood x4

Don't look away, don't close your eyes)

[Verse 2]

You're a girl in a world

Where you always have to think twice

Listen, learn, scrutinize

Is it love or sacrifice

‎

Use that anger, use your voice

Use that hidden knife

Think about, how easily

he’d be willing to take a life

‎

What does he want

What did he come for

The woods are silent

When the people are scared of war

‎

What’s more valuable

Time or gold?

Cause when either runs out

The truth will unfold

‎

God I’m stuck here

All who know me

Tried their best to keep a hold of me

If I’m fated to drown, at least let me go

‎

Just fall back

And let me die

Let me fade or let me fly

I’m not afraid of death, but I’m afraid of you

‎

[Chorus]

‎Little red riding hood

Follow the wolf but don't get bitten

Follow the path but don't far in or you'll get lost

‎‎

Little red riding hood

Oh keep your head no don’t loose it

Even when he speaks to you, like you’re the only thing that matters

It’s not worth it

‎‎

I can tell your brave, you’re determined

But you can be stubborn, you can be stupid

They’re a part of each other, there isn’t much to it

‎

But in the middle of the night

When the moon steals the blank sky

Don’t look away

Don’t close your eyes

‎(Little red riding hood x4

Don't look away, don't close your eyes)

‎

[Bridge]

Falling

Falling

I’m falling down

(x4)

‎

Can’t understand the storm in your eyes

There's beauty there and silenced cries

Have I misread you this whole time

‎

[Outro]

Falling

Falling

I’m falling down

(x2)

‎

Don't close your eyes,

Little red riding hood (x4)

‎

I'm falling

Falling

I'm falling down

(x4)

‎

THANKK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU FOR COMINGGG

*bows, exits*

taglist: @cerenoya @just2bubbly @cinderswrench @shelbylmkaider @shellyseashell @nightmare-not-neophyte @crescentchat @healing-winston-pratt @gingerale2017 @winterrhayle @salt-warrior @cindersassasin @purpl-cryptid @if-wishes-came-true @strawberry-seraph @thestarryeyedsapphic @genyasafingf @starry-tea-party @cinderskai @rapunzelfromthemoon

#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #the lunar chronicles #tlc #the tlc musical #tlc songs #marissa meyer #scarlet benoit #wolf kesley #ze'ev kesley #wolflet

[harriescherriess]

leaving like a father, running like water….

in which harry does the one thing he promised never to do…

switch from 1st person to 2nd person to 3rd person a lot so sorry if it’s confusing i don’t have a degree in this shit

inspo/recommend by @hrryfics

———————————————————————

“please don’t leave me” betty whispered as she curled up to harry, basking under the starlight, celebrating a whole year a whole year on earth together. in love. and happy. but no matter how much harry promised her he would always stay, she still muttered those four words that always had a way at breaking his heart. hurting for his sweet girl and whispering sweet nothings, hoping he could make her fears go away.

betty had a good childhood. at least that’s what she told herself. her definition of ‘childhood’ was always just the first 12 years of her life. before she had to realize what life really meant. before she had to realize the one man she was always supposed to trust, to love, to ask advice from, was far from the man she ever thought he was. and that was the day her childhood ended and the cruelty of life started.

———————————————————————

“please don’t leave me” she said in his ear at the party her bestfriend inez dragged her to. she didn’t wanna come, therefor she dragged harry there. he looked at her with confusion in his eyes but complied, leaving a gentle kiss on her temple and tightening his grip on her, not too hard but not too soft, reminding her that he was there. a silent promise that he would never leave.

he always did, promise not to leave. always. never once did he not reassure, out loud or in a way only they could understand. but he did it, and it was the one thing she held onto.

———————————————————————

“please don’t leave me” she pouted as he was leaving for London to shoot a new movie, she was beyond proud, no doubt about that. her lovie was not only a pop sensation, but a movie star, and also a world class cuddler who she did not want to let go off for a whole four weeks.

“i have to go my love, but i’promise i’ll be back, and i’ll even bring’ya those sweet cookies ya’like so much” she blushed and held him tighter, but not missing that fact that he did was he always did. he promised. just like he always did. all her fears washed away as she dropped him off at the airport. and as always, she said in the car under the dim streetlight, listening to his music until is plane was in the air

———————————————————————

she awoke from her sleep with a thin layer of sweat cast over her chest and face, breathing heavily and sporadically. the nightmares always seem to fade into existence when harry’s gone. each day away from his they get worse and worse. only making her fears grow.

harry immediately picked up, but his breathing matched her, heavy, as if he was out of breath. she pushed it aside as she was just happy to hear his voice. “yes?” he said as if he wanted to get the conversation over with. “h-harry?” she whispered out, barely audible. “fuck baby whats wrongs” he sounded concerned, i could hear shuffling around the room. “i-i h-had a dream about h-him” she. could braelyn finish a sentence until a sob broke loose. “i-i’m really sorry harry, fuck it m-must be l-late i’ll go. just promise y-you won’t l-leave me, okay?”

“i love you baby okay? it’s my call time i gotta go i’ll call you later. promise me you’ll be okay?”

“i’ll be okay i promise” then the call ended.

she was a smart girl. and she knew a lot of things, yea maybe she wasn’t an actor, but she knew that they don’t have call times at 4am. and she also knew that he didn’t promise her. he always promised her. but he didn’t. not this time.

when you’re young, they assume you know nothing, but betty? she knew everything.

———————————————————————

“please don’t hurt her” she yelled at her father, she had walked in on him hitting her. not just a single slap, not just a push. a punch, then a kick, then a push, then another kick, and when he went in for the last kick is when she screamed. not understanding what was going in. her parents loved each other. yea they argued sometimes but they loved each other.

“go” her mother mouthed to her “please” she mouthed again and again until betty walked out, went into her room and sank to the floor. “please don’t hurt her” she said over and over. not realizing she was shaking in the process.

———————————————————————

over the course of three weeks they barely talked. he left a couple of ‘love you’s’ but that was it.

that’s exactly what her father did. he left. never once explained him self, it’s not like she wanted to hear the explanation. but all he ever did was send a few cards here and there. each and everyone of them read “love you.” every. single. one. he thought that was enough. but it wasn’t.

———————————————————————

when inez came up to her and showed her the news article she couldn’t believe it. they were kissing. they kissed each other. and it didn’t look like acting. speaking as he was dressed in his clothes and wearing the jewelry you bought him.

you didn’t wanna believe it. you couldn’t. he promised. almost every damn day he promised. and it was harry. and you were his sweet girl. you knew he couldn’t do that. but maybe they were right when they said she knew nothing.

harry called an hour later. inez had left after trying to calm you down. you were crying hysterically. shaking and whispering “he promised. he won’t leave me he promised.”

inez couldn’t knock any sense into her. so she gave up. but betty wouldn’t never forget the rumors she heard from inez. she could barely comprehend what she had said. but deep down a part of her knew it was true.

when harry called you couldn’t answer it. you didn’t answer it. you ignored it. but you listened to the voice mail an hour later.

“some pictures got out my love. they were for a scene in the movie i promise. i love you and i’ll be back with you soon, promise”

———————————————————————

four weeks had past. the “love yous” and “miss yous” became a daily routine. she had gotten over the call. not wanting to seem crazy. not wanting to break something she longed for her whole life. but now she was at the airport. waiting for harry to come back. waiting for him to hold her, to come back to her as he promised. as she knew he would always do. but when he walked off that he wasn’t alone. he was laughing with her. and she was a little bit too handsy.

but when harry looked at her and smiled. all her thoughts and fears faded away and she ran and jumped onto, her body filled with love and eyes filled with tears. “i missed you” she whispered. “i missed your more love” he said back.

but when she looked over she saw her. standing there with a sad expression in her face. but what really broke betty was the site of her favorite sweet cookies in here hand, which prompted her to ask, “lovie did you get my cookies?”

normally it was the four word questions that broke him. but this six word one was what put it all in perspective. what he did. what he did with her. and what he had done to the one thing that he promised himself to never hurt.

“she got hungry on the plane and they were in my carry on, i’m really sorry lovie, i’ll make it up to’ya how does that sound” he said with a wink, hoping it would fix everything. but that look she gave him told him that it didn’t. and that he majorly fucked up.

“it’s okay” you murmured, not wanting to upset him or cause a scene, you slowly let go of him and faced towards her. “i don’t think we’ve met yet, i’m betty, and you’re?”

“augustine” she said sadly. betty couldn’t understand why she was possibly sad as she was eating the best cookies ever but she pushed away the thought. “nice to meet you, do you need a ride as well?”

“no” was all she said. you couldn’t sworn you saw a tear fall but you ignored it, as she immediately walked away. and after that harry really knew he fucked up.

———————————————————————

“are you leaving me” you murmured, not even bothering to hide the tears. those four words broke him more then she would ever know. but he couldn’t stay with someone when he knew he loved her more. at least he thought.

“i’m sorry” he said. “i’m leaving you and i’m sorry” and then he was gone.

he broke his promise. and he was gone.

should i make a part 2???????? well see *evil laugh* also didn’t proofread or edit and i’m sorry for all the changes in POV and narrator shit i realized half way through and didn’t feel like re-writing

edit- part 2 out nowwwww

#harry styles oneshot #folklore #harry styles one shots #harry styles blurbs #harry styles imagine #harry styles angst #harry styles writing #harry styles fluff #cardigan #august #taylor swift #evermore #harry styles one shot #harry styles #harry styles x reader #love triangle

[farthngdr]

Some Thoughts on “Dead to Rights” by Radio Company

First, if you are not a Cockles truther, you should probably look away. My tinhat is so tight it hurts. Surgical removal has been deemed too risky and would probably result in my demise.

The comments here are entirely mine, as are the assumptions incorporated into my lyrics analysis about real-life people and their relationships. No disrespect is intended. Please do not contact Jensen, Misha, or Danneel about anything you read below, or about anything Cockles-related, because there is absolutely no evidence for anything I am saying here, and their lives are essentially unknown to us.

Thank you.

_______________________________________________________________

She said It all will change If not it all can wait It may die away Over time But I do believe It's better than being alive It's better than being alive It's better than being-

Bombs away Only just begun You want to be the one to say you love The rain-

fall

When all the while the angels call; The only way to see just how it comes to be Every day To know it all falls away.

You had me dead to rights Holding down my chain; You had me dead to rights I got out again; Never been the same.

Song composed by Jensen Ackles and Steve Carlson

No official statement has ever been made by the two songwriters as to who wrote the lyrics, who wrote the music, or if words and/or music were composed by both. I am proceeding on the assumption that Jensen wrote the lyrics. He has mentioned writing lyric ideas on notepads (as shown in the above photo), and so indeed he gives much thought to his lyric-writing process.

In another track from Vol. 2, “City Grown Willow,” a song clearly written by himself, he uses “chain” imagery. Clearly, the concept of the chain resonates for  him, whether the chain belongs to his lover, in “City Grown Willow,” or, as in this song, the chain is attached to himself, with the other end being held by the “she” he refers to throughout this lyric.

In addition, a close examination of other tracks by Radio Company share similar lyrical hallmarks as “Dead to Rights”: the invocation of a “she” in “City Grown Willow,” who I maintain is the same “she” as the one here, namely Danneel; “bombs away,” a metaphor for his emotional relationship with the “bomb,” i.e., Misha, recalls “cannonball, rise and fall,” from Vol. 1; other similar MC metaphors are the “fire” from “Jump into the Fire,” and “he stokes the flames ‘cause he is amused by the glow,” from “City Grown Willow.” Other JA lyrical hallmarks can be identified here as well.

________________________________________________________________

“’Dead to rights’ means having overwhelming evidence of someone's guilt, having irrefutable proof that someone is responsible for something. The idiom ‘dead to rights’ came into use before the 1850s in the United States.”

“’Dead to rights’: In the act of committing an error or crime, red-handed. For example, ‘They caught the burglars dead to rights with the Oriental rugs.’ This phrase uses ‘to rights’ in the sense of ‘at once.’”

________________________________________________________________

The theme of guilt is embedded in these lyrics--the narrator, JA, is guilty of something, and he was “caught red-handed,” as it were, by someone, the “she” in the song--his wife. The “guilty” act was more, I believe, her intuiting/noticing that her husband was in love with another--early days, perhaps before much had occurred between the two men, but wives are smart, and they can sometimes intuit when their men are in love with another, even before the husbands know themselves. 

“She said”---This song focuses on the fact that the narrator’s wife notices instantly--”at once”-- the “act” for which he feels guilty. And she voices it to him--she knows he is in love with another. And she also knows who. 

Thus, the “dead to rights” reference--she knew right away when her husband fell in love, and that he either wants to, or already has begun, pursuing a romantic relationship with his love. She “caught him red-handed,” even though a “crime” has not literally occurred, and, most importantly, *she is not angry or judgmental*; rather, she is concerned. 

She has thought about it before she confronts him with it. She is philosophical: “It all will change”--that is, this could be a momentary fancy, and if you follow through, everything will change in your life. “if not”--that is, if this is something lasting and substantial--then “it all can wait.” What’s the rush? Why not cool your jets and see if you still feel the same way in a few months? And know too, if you do pursue this, “It may die away over time.” So be careful. Don’t jump into the fire. You could get burned. I don’t want that for you.”

What is his response to her words? He acknowledges to her: “You are right.” 

He concedes that everything she says is true. But he has thought about it too. A lot. And he realizes something: “But I do believe it’s better than being alive.” This cryptic line puzzled me initially. “What” is better than being alive? Then one day, after hearing the track a few times, it hit: If the relationship crashes and burns--if it does die, and his heart is destroyed in the flames and ash--then so be it. He has decided that being with this person, jumping into the abyss with him, which could result in his own  metaphorical “death,” is exactly what he will do, because “dying” from the possible fallout of a disastrous love affair is preferable to the agony of continuing to live without him.

“You want to be the one to say you love the rain.....fall” --I love the pause here, putting the emphasis on the “fall,” conjuring up the act of falling in love; and also, the possibility of falling to one’s death. And of course, the biblical “fall”--we’re all fallen from grace. He is reminding her that it is she who always says she loves the rain--metaphorically, the rainy days, the times when things aren’t necessarily all sunshine and roses. She understands and accepts life’s gifts and risks. (And we learn in “City Grown Willow” that, in fact, “Her faith in love is better on sunny days.”)

“When all the while the angels call”--I cannot emphasize enough how unequivocally this imagery refers to MC. If I have to explain how many times J has called M an “angel”.....The point being, the angel calling him is impossible for him to ignore, and he just plain doesn’t want to. When an angel calls your name................you go.

“The only way to see just how it comes to be”--a typical Jensen cryptic line, when he wants to say something but doesn’t want to be too revealing, so he does so with the utmost vagueness, to the point where his meaning is almost impossible to decipher. That cryptic line, combined with the rest of the verse, “Every day/To know it all falls away,” strikes me like this: “The only way to know if I should do it or not, is just to do it.” And in the end, he philosophizes, everything falls away in any case--”even you and I will someday be parted.” The idea of mortality--of the limited span of time we inhabit this life--is heavy on his mind. And again, he has made his decision: His love is so deep, so compelling, that he is willing to risk everything--heart and soul--to be with the angel who is calling him.

_______________________________________________________________

ADDENDUM TO MY POST:

Unless Steve Carlson has said publicly that he specifically wrote the *words* to City Grown Willow, I maintain steadfastly that Jensen composed the lyrics. It makes sense that Carlson had written the guitar piece itself, with its beautiful, cascading notes and striking chord progressions, which demonstrate his skill as an instrumentalist. It’s no accident that the recording itself features only Carlson’s playing, with no other instrumental accompaniment--probably exactly the way Jensen first heard it.

Jensen heard Steve play the piece, loved it, and proceeded to write words for it. When Carlson says he played this piece for Jensen and that he had written it years prior, I take that to mean that Jensen loved the sound of the guitar and wanted to work with it.--that the song had no words. The lyrics have the hallmarks of Jensen's writing style; the content fits his situation, with a female and 2 males as the protagonists; and HE is “the man from the mountains.” That’s not Carlson’s identity--that's a moniker Jensen deliberately chose for himself, as he makes clear in the music video. 

If anyone can provide for me a direct quote from Carlson that he wrote the words, I will retract my statement. Until then, I hold my position.

#Cockles #Radio Company song #lyrics analysis is a love of mine #no offense is intended and I know nothing about anything #even cryptic lyrics can be deciphered #some people have tremendous grace and I love them #I will never as long as I live measure up to the greatness in these people's hearts