#GET IT OUTTA MY SYSTEM one less thing to think about

[cerealmonster15]

five stages of adeuce ft the trials and tribulations of ace trappola

#twisted wonderland #twst #adeuce #ace trappola #deuce spade #cereal tries to draw #ummmm. teehee. #jumpscare i spent more than an hour on something #i still. absolutely rushed thru but i mean i did some of it yesterday and some today #for SEVERAL hours #but i am so very busy and have a lot i need to do so i had to just #GET IT OUTTA MY SYSTEM one less thing to think about #but listen listen to me i love adeuce i love them so much theyre one of my og twst ships #and i love their ride or die bestie bond with yuu and grim it's SOOOO CUTE #i also love first year squad and i love basketball brothers and i love heartslabyul family #deuce is eating an egg in that first panel btw. sorry i dont know how to draw. well anything but especially silverware #and also hands. oh god. bu it's OKAY i dont HAVE TO make things PRETTY im . trying new things here. #IM TRYING I AM LEARNING IM EXPRESSING MYSELF VIA. IDK BLORBO SILLIES #ok that's enough going thru it in the tags i love my silly sons i hope u love them too #bc i need more adeuce FOREVER !!!!!!!!!! #directly inject heartslabyul content into my brain please theyre my favorites forever and ever and ever #[smash bros voice] NO CONTEST #ace and deuce have such a funny relationship. like why are you like that LOL kjdfldsjfkls #ace writing a Get Out Of My School letter to juice. real 2 me. i made that joke for jamil/azul once #but it's true for anyone at nrc i think actually. ok that's ENOUGH i need to go to BED GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #also i was gonna use text tool to also type the dialogue but it looked weird n out of place w/my sloppy drawing so i had to freehand AGAIN #SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

something abt The Family Unit as this bordered site potentially of a little system of authoritarianism being that it's really this example plenty of people have of how like, You Would Think "oh if the people In Charge realize the structural integrity of what they're in charge of & say they're Supporting is being degraded then surely on a practical basis they'd change course? compromise?" & like the compromises Are continually made to shore things up a little longer but it's a pyramid scheme & it's continuously crumbling. & the Logic of the authority is what's held on to no matter what, not whatever else is claimed to be the goal (e.g. having a Good Family, workplace, corporation, country...) & that means having all the power, which is never actually the case or possible so since that goal's never met it's really just about having More power (what's next, constant profit growth), & everything's oriented around That, such that yeah strategic fleeting compromises may be made but as this structure inevitably deteriorates further, i.e. the control as successfully applied power is being lost, it's not about compromising more & more until eventually things are egalitarian, it's more about lashing out & doubling & tripling & quadrupling down on the exact same measures always taken anyways, because of how the entire like belief is in being the authority, expressed by forever only following the logics of authority/hierarchy & control/abuse

that is to lead into how like, the Failure of [ostensible alternate practical goal: the cohesion of the perfect family(tm)] can happen in more obvious ways / on shorter timeframes than, say, the agenda of propping up an empire, & so there's like all this evidence of how even when the theoretically inviolate borders of The Family are ruptured there's like "wouldn't the relevant family members change their approach in the face of this undeniable failure. wouldn't they question themselves." b/c like, surely? how could you not? but the experience being overwhelmingly "absolutely they do not" with instead the doubling down, perhaps the strategic compromises that are then only used to wear away the targeted parties & then (perhaps after an incremental transition) be back at it once that defense is seemingly breached, but the same logic seems to "work" even in situations where whatever Unit is destroyed, partnership, family, friendship, acquaintanceship, b/c the sense of [i am entitled to More] is just like. undisturbed or "supported" by the ruptures & lack of access to whomever, the Denial of what they feel they're already entitled to. the dehumanization of others / No Need to ever have to consider & contend with those ppl's real feelings if you control their life enough anyways is all still at play & there's no room for even Now considering if you were wrong about how someone felt, so the logic might also default to things like "it's a total mystery but what matters is i was / am wronged" &/or "well things would've been great if i had my total authority like i should have & imagine i could have, so basically some Other enemy authority must be at fault (e.g. guess my child was converted by the gay agenda, the devil, the evil outside world, communist spies, anarchists, [the pc police the virtue signalers the woke dei agents the "almost forgot abt 'critical race theorists'"]" that it just so happens that agendas of Autonomy & Equality are ones that seem to inherently insidiously threaten & undermine their own. like yeah you're not wrong about that but in also true [every accusation a projection] form of course the belief must be that They are fostering bliss & freedom & the jealous evil agents of The Other are always trying to stop them :(

like "don't they realize this is counterproductive to the wellbeing of [what they're in charge of]" like compromises may be temporarily made along the way but not Really, no, & when push comes to shove it'll be about the priorizing of asserting & holding on to Controlling Lives vs anything that'd serve anything else. & that again, with families like you might see the decided Failure of that, e.g. very limited or completely absent relationship with an adult child, and you see that like. the Authority guardian/s who are the reason with it don't change their approach. any adjustments are strategic & meant to Ultimately restore the status quo; the people who managed to extricate themselves have to rely on their own ability to actually manifest their own choices to, say, be able to remove themself from the presence of this person if they want. and that like even with that lifelong experience of dealing with that Authority & the system under them it can be so difficult to believe like do they really not even question themself on all this despite the actual external consequences manifested? b/c the Logics are so different. the child made effectively Responsible for the actions of an adult or two / the supposed Wellbeing of the family is so much more used to having to consider others' Feelings & what might make them act xyz way, b/c of that impossible but evident tasking with being harmed if there's any Problems there, versus that the person "in charge of" the wellbeing of the family & individuals therein (& certainly the young children) being concerned with their own entitlement & whether everything seems to reinforce their authority, flexing it if not, disinterest in so much else, resentment for the physical needs of children as a begrudged investment in then lifelong entitlement to kids as property to give deference / whatever support you want. & when these "supported" children are never "grateful" enough, i.e. not noticeably thwarting efforts to access whatever a parent feels entitled to (with, exactly in line with all of this, pretty invariably Issues With (denial of) Any Boundaries, e.g. not allowed to close that bedroom door this is my house, not allowed to not want to be touched i made that body, not allowed to be unsupervised what are you hiding, not allowed to say no, not allowed to have feelings/moods/preferences/opinions not in harmony with mine...) like it's supposedly only an extreme, all the more sympathetic (to the authority parent) escalation of this Ingratitude to, if possible, escape the realm of said authority. can't believe they'd do this to me

just that tl;dr of like "but at this point [authority] is sabotaging themselves i.e. the longevity of any system where they even have that position of authority? surely they realize that & change their approach b/c they Have To?" & beyond "no, not necessarily" like it's so almost Necessarily that "they definitely will not & will just try to 'invest' in their perpetual authority (which is always trying to be Increased b/c it's also never total or unbroken) by upping the violence & lashing out & ignoring w/e they have to ignore b/c they do Not have any actual alternate way to address it" like no the parents lose the entire relationship with children & don't have Realizations abt it, don't question themselves, don't make a real change, don't stop feeling as, & increasingly, entitled

#you'd think they would. but they do not think that they would. it's a completely different Logical Framework #the impenetrability of ''i'm Superior to anyone; objects/props/property/tools in My life for My agenda'' #if there's negative consequences of this treatment & it's constantly shattering b/c That Is Not Reality? it's just them being Wronged #you can just believe that forever. if you're trying to reject even the Vulnerability of [gotta consider other ppl Have thoughts; feelings] #then taking on the Vulnerability of; for one thing; That; & an entire upheaval of the rest of what you've built your whole Self around..... #it does not really happen. presumably some outliers / sure it can be Possible but even then it's like #is the priority ''converting'' ppl doing this. Convincing them to stop. or in how those affected can throw them off & have more support #yes we all think that would be lovely. but it's a whole Ideology. & [what do i care if xyz Believes im nonhuman if they cannot in practice #act on that belief & make it my problem] the external situations & manifestations of power Can be dealt with by others. ppl's internal #self is their own personal business Ultimately ofc. can feel entitled to Everything Forever sure but gotta get Other Ppl outta that sitch #this has also been resonating with like head in hands deep breath the like. [it's On Sight; Sound; Read Text; Anything] dehumanization as #an autistic person like ppl Do immediately assess the [this person's existing wrong] diagnosis & do not necessarily ''learn'' otherwise #the vulnerability is pounced on / the ''opportunity'' for abuse in any situation b/c it's Deserved in this case ofc / the like ''we Do #officially label you Autistic & we Do prescribe; even require; abuse about it'' aba / rejection/ostracization / pathology / Inferiority #like what else can you do but go ''maybe ppl will change their minds? maybe i can act a way to convince them to do so?'' But No #ofc all Compounding vulnerabilities only feed into all other systems of dehumanization / vulnerability / abuse / disempowerment #my experience being autistic seemed to support my experience w/family abuse...B/c It 100% Did support it #other disabilities; less resources; more poverty; appearing nonwhite & ''worse'' black; cultural ''difference'' from the norm(tm).... #further layers (often given ''priorities'' like how Race is given 1st Consideration in who's ''beneath'' whom) in dehumanization #which is an ideology people have to Reject to; you know; humanize everyone they encounter. but they don't ''have'' to so: might not! #& obviously playing into it is what's encouraged And demanded so yeah go find the ppl in Your life to scapegoat / deem inferior! to cope! #while this is so entrenched/supported By Everything As Is that it's just ppl ''being normal'' instead of consciously disdainfully violent #so it's Something having to go ok no the double standards never cease the Sympathy (i.e. again taking unilateral Responsibility for other #ppl's feelings (& by extension hopefully their resultant actions)) will never even afford you Being Liked much less the Basic Respect #whether someone happens to personally find you Likable or not in the first place. have to ofc Hope others have other principles about it #which; you know; the logic of Ableism is in all the systems of dehumanization & exploitation. it's Just Biology / Reality.... #everyone's so Great abt things now. def don't have ppl like ''haha the lack of social skills am i right autists'' / ''annoyingly nd ppl'' #just saying the same shit in an XD arm slung around your shoulder tone now. dont want me saying Idiot this is why i love ableism #(it was bc everyone is already taught to love ableism & leverage it however they can) i wasn't a violent bigot: then the leftists pwned me #anyways consulting Exp. w/Authoritarian Family sure can be a touchstone recognizing resonances anywhere else. dynamics/interactions. govts

[unclewaynemunson]

Wayne Munson would never take hush money from the government.

He’d never trusted the government. He’d known that the American Dream they tried to sell him didn’t exist; he’d known that since his parents moved him and his brother from the south of the Appalachian mountains to Indiana, only to end up in a trailer park working day and night at the quarry. He’d known that the cops would always treat trailer folk with a little extra suspicion ever since the first time his brother was sent to jail. He’d known that the hospitals were less willing to help people like the Munsons ever since his mother could’ve survived her illness if it weren’t for their lack of money. He’d known that he would never be more than a laborer at the plant ever since his education became an unaffordable luxury for his father. And he’d known that the mysterious energy lab at the edge of town had some shady business going on ever since he got called in to fix one of their power outlets and had to sign some sort of statement that no, he had not seen the kid in the hospital gown with the shaved head that he definitely had seen wandering around the hallway.

The years after that only made his distrust of the government grow. It was one thing after another: the misidentified body found at the quarry, the girl who got poisoned by the same mysterious substance that had infested his buddy Eugene’s pumpkin harvest, the mall that killed many of his friends’ businesses in town before it burned down - not to mention the way his nephew got treated by school officials and attendance officers.

The way the government shamelessly blamed Eddie for murdering three teenagers, easily making some sort of scapegoat out of him, doing nothing to find him and help him while he was probably hiding somewhere scared out of his mind, had been the final straw. So when he finally got reunited with his nephew, who was barely even alive and had apparently been doing those government folks’ jobs for them along with some other kids, he laughed square in their faces when he read the documents they demanded him to sign.

“You take me for a fool?” he asked the man in the neatly pressed suit sitting opposite him.

“Mr. Munson, we only ask you to collaborate for the good of this country, and -”

“You think I care ‘bout the good of this country? You think I’m a patriot, huh?” Wayne glared at the man. “I been livin’ in a trailer park all my life. Lost my mama to your hospital, lost my brother to your justice system, lost my own future to your corporations. And look - look at this boy here.” He couldn’t help it that his voice cracked as he gestured helplessly at Eddie’s pale face, tubes in his nose and surrounded by beeping machines. “Lost my nephew to your twisted little science experiments.”

The man seemed unmoved. “You know just as well as I that we’re the ones taking care of the bills that are currently keeping him alive, Mr. Munson.”

“Don’t you dare hold that over my head,” Wayne answered, coldly. He knew he had the upper hand; he could easily spill all their dirty little secrets to whatever party was interested in them. And if he truly lost Eddie, nothing would be holding him back.

“Look, Mr. Munson, why don’t we settle this in a civilized manner,” said the man. “We can provide you a new trailer - maybe even a real house, how about that? We can give you enough money to get you and your nephew comfortable.”

Wayne scoffed. “And where was your money when me and my buddies at the plant needed a raise? Where was your civilized settlement when we had that strike to demand safer working conditions and all we got were budget cuts? Where was your willingness to cooperate when -”

“Let’s keep to the subject at hand, Mr. Munson, and -”

“Oh I’m keeping to the subject, alright! You know what, I got a counter offer for you: you make sure that my boy gets the very best treatment there is; you make sure he gets outta here healthy and safe; and you use your hush money to grow yourself somewhat of a conscience, do something with it that’s actually useful for this town’s community, something that’s gonna help them instead of destroy them further. And then, maybe, just maybe, I will sign those papers of yours. How does that sound, sir?”

So when Eddie woke up, Wayne had nothing to give to his nephew. Their living room had a crack in its ceiling that would always remind the boy of what happened there. Their pantry was still stocked with canned food and their water still ran cold half the time. But they were used to that, and Eddie had never asked for more than Wayne’s love, a bed to sleep in, and some food in his belly. And this way, Wayne’s dignity was still intact. He could look at himself in the mirror. More importantly, he could look into Eddie’s eyes. And Eddie’s eyes, those beautiful wide eyes full of emotion, could look back into his, full of life and love and understanding. That was something which couldn’t be bought with dirty hush money, and it was the most important thing in the world.

#wayne munson my beloved #don't mind me rambling about stranger things #wayne munson #eddie munson #stranger things #headcanon #drabble #fruity ficlet

[clazcy]

the personae & facets of mr. pilots (both of them) (this is solely about their characters) (the author of this post has did & understands it's a medical experience)

i already made my thing on tyler & the 3 of him (sort of about myself too but that's largely system based) but this will have more detail

(also first & foremost if you're in the seizure search for epilepsy block the #not epilepsy tag so my things will stop coming up. so sorry about that)

tyler tyler - host. author of the songs (mostly). the one we see performing, the son of nico.

blurryface - split from being seized by nico & the trauma that caused. author of goner from npi. bears nico's name but is also a 'blurry face' in the sense that he has no identity besides being controlled. therefore, he tries to control tyler/the body to cope. since he holds the dark thoughts of nico, he enacts those onto tyler. he is a persecutor.

clancy - ALSO split from the seizings but also off of blurry. different from tyler in the sense that's he's more violence focused, different from blurry in the sense that his anger is directed at the abusers. son[? or belongs to the district] of keons, in that sense. author of the album clancy & the letters. also a persecutor because he WILL take control to do whatever it takes to get his way (also he has significantly less of a moral compass).

okay josh

josh josh - this is josh <3 host like tyler & he is josh joshua william dun :) also the one who performs. we don't know his bishop.

spooky jim - same seizing split. however, as seen in choker & that one tweet, he also has some sort of power from this (this is not did canon compliant sadly :( ) & how he's using it depends on whether or not he's actively being seized/controlled (weaponized?). when he's not, it's for good, changing things to pink (happy fun colour!!!) etc. when he is, he's, well. he turned his loved ones into objects. i think this stems from insecurity of losing them (choker) vs changing things for the better (tweet, especially since tyler puts so much emphasis on changing hair to change/control self, it implies spooky was helping him regain control). i think this power is at least semi exclusive to spooky because it's blue, & the bishops use that as their :( colour.

torchbearer - re: clancy, but he's not violent. different path, leader of banditos et cetera. not free from anxiety, but significantly better at coping. i uh. headcanon he has the same power as spooky but uses it to light torches. that doesn't mean anything necessarily but i think it's cute.

questions this answers (kind of) & questions i answer

why is josh always blurry in photos?

a. this is tyler (collective) 's writing & i don't think he (in the story, as the character) realizes that josh is also collective. or

b. he does, but he (as clancy) doesn't see torchbearer (his only counterpart) as a person because he isn't violent. i feel like he's not ready to accept him.

c. something something psychosis they are one person all along fight club style. i hate this one (victim of forest fic) so i hope it isn't true.

who was the one in the trench mvs?

tyler i assume. he spent the longest in trench (within the collective) & has the most story with it.

who's the one in the overcompensate mv?

clancy boy

are there any more within the collectives?

probably not, since this is a story. however. the different facets/or outfits they wear/ways they sing you get it etc could also be different ones maybe. i don't think they are & if they are i doubt they matter as much.

i'm outta questions someone send me more so i can elaborate

#twenty øne piløts #twenty one pilots #tøp7 #clancy #tyler joseph #blurryface #josh dun #torchbearer #spooky jim #personae isn't the word i don't care #i'm writing this instead of my accommodations email to my college #this was supposed tobe a reblog but idon'tcare #not epilepsy #(block that tag if you searched seizure for. seizure reasons. i'll use that word a lot)

[circular-bircular]

It drives me up a wall that ppl argue “anti endos are the only harassers!!!” And yet the past few days the sys course tag has been nothing but going against anti endos for? Some reason? Like just outta nowhere I started to see posts going on and on about how anti endos are sooo horrible and how dare they want anti endo only spaces like hello pot??

It’s just… infuriating to see it all bcs why the hell would anyone even consider looking at a different perspective if the first thing they see is people bashing anti endos (and often CDD systems in the same breath) and using that to uplift pro/endos like you can’t seriously claim to want anti endos to listen when everything is about insulting/shaming anti endos in a number of ways some less subtle than the last

I’m neutral on it all but if I was still anti today and thought “well maybe I should try to understand their side” and saw all that then?????? Hell no

Hell even being neutral I’m still not favorable to interactions bcs I don’t want that kinda energy in my space

Sry I’m just so GAH about it all and saw your post on syscourse stances and the harassment thing and was just “finally”

(Ough I’m so sorry I’m rambling hard on this one)

I fully agree that anti-endos aren’t the only harassers. But I also agree that endogenic systems are going through a lot right now. It’s easy for me to not see, but that’s because I’ve got a lot of folks blocked. There really are a lot of anti-endo assholes popping up each day lately, and I’m sorry for all the Endogenic systems dealing with that hatred. I’ve been there. It fucking sucks. I also am sorry for the CDD systems suffering through hatred currently, regardless of syscourse stance. It’s all hellish sometimes.

In my eyes, the way a lot of pro-endos tackle things isn’t beneficial. It’s either bait to encourage anti-endos to rage (which is often triggering to boot), or it’s just vocalizing hatred into a public space. Neither of these things are needed, especially if the goal is to make it so that anti-endos “aren’t a thing anymore.” Anti-endos fall into this same trap; many are trying to protect their disorders, but they do so via harassment, mockery, or similarly vocalized hatred. All in some attempt to “make things better for ‘real’ systems.”

It feels like many people in syscourse are doing something I like to call Aimless Activism. They know something is wrong (fakeclaiming, bad sources, ableism, etc), so they rally against it loudly and boldly, because That’s The Point. You’re Supposed To.

I’m guilty of this myself honestly. But… you need a goal. You need to have a point beyond This Is Activism, because if you don’t have an actionable goal, then you’re not actually working toward anything. You’re just shouting.

My goal on my blog is to share my personal experiences and talk about things that interest me. That’s it. I’ve tried to be an Aimless Activist for awhile now, convincing myself that it’s activism to argue online. And I don’t know, maybe to some, my blog fits that description. But at this point, I don’t… think it matters. I’m tired of playing in this giant sandbox where everyone is kicking the sand in each other’s faces while I try to build my sand castle.

I think a lot of other people are too. Has anyone else noticed how many new faces there are here? How a lot of the old faces have gone away? People are tired of the sandbox games where everyone kicks around sand. People want real things, real conversations, real connections — regardless of some stupid arbitrary label.

And that’s where it comes back to. “Stupid arbitrary label.” The ones who care about the labels are still playing in the sandbox and they’re gearing up for another round of fighting with “the other side.” Meanwhile, they don’t realize that the sandbox is only one tiny part of an enormous playground, and I’m over on the swings with friends I made in the sandbox, laughing about how nice it is to no longer have sand in my eyes.

I wish folks the best for getting out of there.

#extended metaphors lmao #syscourse #venting #armageddon comes while i’m sleeping #I hope any of that made sense #it’s grading season so I’m dying a bit and my brain is fried

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

Hmm, I've been thinking about MC who can knit/crochet.

I thought this up with specifically Asra in mind since we know he can knit as well. Maybe on lazy days they both lounge around and make silly clothes for Faust (and maybe matching lovers bracelets?). I also think they get really unique yarn textures/colors on their trips, cant wait to come back home and brainstorm what to make with them(Fausts wardrobe never runs out. she's a fashionesta, all the others snakes stare in envy!)

Though I can also see MC knitting tiny hats and socks for Malak, and maybe a human sized version for Julian so they can match. julian insists MC make one for themselves as well so they can all match together. (I see him as an enjoyer of cheesy matching couples outfits, if MC makes one with an inside joke/romantic phrase on the shirt, he will not take it off until its basically a part of his skin)

Or maybe crocheting an elegant lacy sash for Nadias lovely owl (I'm sorry I forgot the name😭), and I think if MC made a similar one for Nadia she would not pass an opportunity to wear it, she styles it beautifully with casual outdoorsy clothes. (She was debating wearing it to a formal meeting with other world leaders, it so pretty she can't help it!)

And making tiny sweaters for Pepi? Portias in love. I think she would either 1)also know how to knit 2)make MC teach her how to so she can reciprocate the love by also making MC sweaters. They all end up warm and fuzzy at the end of the day. (Definitely makes MC and Pepi have a photo shoot/painting shoot?? Something to eternalise the memory basically)

And also, knitting a matching set of cowls for Innana and Muriel to fight off the cold in the forest, it's easily his favourite thing to wear, if it get caught on a brach and tears, or Innana accidentally claws through it he will be eternally guilty, even if MC reassures him that they can just mend it or make a new one. (Would also love if MC made little sacks for his herbs and protection charms)

And I can see Lucio clipping little crocheted charms on his gold arm, what do you mean? it cute and his MC made it for him of course he's wearing it! Also asks (forces) MC to buy neon red yarn so they HAVE to crochet stuff for him. (He went in public one day with little frogs and ladybugs and ducks dangling from his arm, got many stares, refused to give one of them to a child who then started crying, it was a whole thing, im not sure how he would feel if MC made a goat charm though)

Expand/add onto these if you want (i would like to know your opinion about the goat charm thing) , thought they were too sweet not to share, also had to get them outta my system😅, I love your content (just as much as Julian loves the sweater) sorry this is a long one and i hope you have a nice day<3

-🐍

Hello, snek friend!

Don't apologize for the long message, these ideas are all lovely! I can definitely see Faust and Malak flaunting their outfits whenever they can wear them. You already know Asra would set up a catwalk (or should I say snekslither?) for Faust to model her looks.

Careful with Julian though! He's better with his hands than he lets on, if you give him a crash course he might get even better than you are and start showering you with odd little crocheted inventions.

I expect Mercedes and Melchior would be better off if MC finds a nice, tough twine to make chew toys with XD

And oh goodness, you already know in Muriel's route how long he wore the scarf MC got him at the marketplace, if it was homemade he'd store them on the mantle with his tapestries.

Both Portia and Nadia would definitely find a book of patterns and gift it to you to help you explore new ideas! The difference is that Nadia would shower you with supplies, while Portia would challenge herself to master every pattern you can. ^.^

As for the goat charm, oh dear. He'll wear it because you made it but he'll clip it somewhere less noticeable XD

Thanks for sharing these wonderful ideas with me! They're so fluffy it makes me wanna melt :)

Cheers!

- brainrot

#ask arcana brainrot #the arcana #the arcana hc #the arcana headcanons #asra the arcana #julian the arcana #nadia the arcana #muriel the arcana #portia the arcana #lucio the arcana #the arcana game #the arcana fluff #asra alnazar #julian devorak #nadia satrinava #portia devorak #muriel of the kokhuri #lucio morgasson

[circular-jerkular]

Introjects, Sex, and Gender

I'm gonna preface this with the understanding that I'm not a really well spoken guy, and I don't typically talk about this sorta thing. I just wanna get it off my chest, and I know we've got this blog to help others figure shit out too, so.

Hey there -- I'm an introject of a character from a book series, and today, I wanna talk about sex and gender and how that's a goddamn minefield of emotions.

For starters: my source is... okay, so he's not homophobic, let's give him more credit than that. He's fine with gay guys. He's just got some daddy issues, y'know? His dad is gay, and it took him a real long time to come to terms with his dad abandoning his family and career cause of everything.

I came into this system with a lot of that baggage, but suddenly, none of it was true. I was able to start figuring myself out. And myself was now a dude with tits, a vagina, and a libido the size of Texas.

Now, I don't have as much issues with the body as you might think. I look in the mirror and I go, "What a hot chick." That's cause I don't really see this as my body yet -- it's her body, it's the body. Not my body. I've been working on that, but it's hard. Regardless, I've definitely had fun experimenting with my body, even if it don't feel like mine.

What's been less fun has been discovering I'm bisexual, and maybe even some weird gender fuckery?

My partner is AFAB. It's nice, cause that aligns to what I know and, Ill be real, when I first came around, I just kinda saw them as Girl-Lite. I don't anymore, I get their gender now, but I didn't have to confront shit immediately when I met them. But we also have the resident horn dog, Curtis, and his husband, Numb. And, well, Numb instantly fell hard for me. I remind him of Curt a lot.

Issue being, I kinda liked Numb back. And Curtis is a great guy, and I couldn't say I wasn't interested.

Which made me fucking spiral. Hard.

Book-me never felt that way. Book-me never wanted to fuck another dude. SO why did I want to? What was wrong with me?

Secret was, nothing was wrong with me. I ain't him. I ain't from a book. I'm from a traumatized mind who saw this guy, this fantastic guy who could tackle everything, who learned to manage his anger and use it, to stay angry and be angry, and who gives a shit what others say -- that mind saw that guy and said we need him. And so I showed up, an approximation of a character.

Took me a real long time to come to terms with that.

To some degree, this is where source separation comes in. I had to acknowledge that I ain't book-me, and he isn't me. There's a lot of differences between us. I'm autistic, bisexual, and today I've even been real fucked up about gender and stuff. He's strong, sexy, and confident -- things I ain't been feeling lately.

Look, I know there's a lot I gotta learn (and I apologize if any of this is offensive). But it's been hard just getting this far. This far being, today I got fucked outta my mind by Curt, Numb, and my IRL partner, and god was it incredible. And I look back at where I started -- trying to push the other parts away cause ew, no, disgusting, that's not me-- and I realize how much of this ability to be who I am now is because of what I've now pushed aside and grown from.

At some point, y'all introjects out there gotta branch out. Maybe you do align to your source pretty closely, and I wish y'all the best of luck on that one, sounds pretty nice. But you don't get to decide that, not fully, till you start living as yourself. If I didn't let Numb and Curt in (and no, not sexually, but that too), I never woulda grown up a bit and been the guy I am. And the guy I am is gay and shit. Well, Bi, I still like girls, but you get the picture.

Not really sure where I"m going with this now, lol. I think I'll just leave that at that. If anyone relates, hell yeah, but if not, just leave it be as a personal thing I'm dealing with today.

#nsft #minors dni #keeping up with nerd shit

[trantrumsfromthevoid]

Twilight Advent ‘22

Day 14 (12.14.22) - “Tell us something Bella loves about Edward and something Edward loves about Bella (not mentioned in the saga).”

Y’all might hate me for this, but I don’t understand the appeal of E/B. It was one thing to read about their “epic” love story when I was barely into my twenties and had little to no “real world” experience. But thinking about them now, more than a decade (closer to twenty years now, jeez!) later, they’re just ... really boring. I remember, several years ago, there was a big debate over whether or not Edward was abusive/problematic. And yes, he (and Jacob) definitely does some shitty things; things I’d be really upset to hear my child/sibling/best friend/whomever (gender aside) tell me their partner is doing. But I also think E/B should not be together ... at least not as teenagers.

I think they both have a lot of growing up to do (and therapy sessions) before they should commit to spending all eternity together. Which, something can be said for falling in love with someone and working through your issues together; of not being perfect when you meet someone and letting someone else see your “true” self; flaws and all. And I get that. But I think E/B is less about this “all consuming, passionate love affair that’ll last throughout the ages” and more so about “I want what the other person has and they’re so mysterious and amazing because they have what I don’t” if that makes sense.

Anyway, thanks for coming to my TedTalk! Moving on to the actual question.

After fifty to a hundred years together, and all the “major” drama with these two dies down, I fully believe the “appeal” of Edward will wear off for Bella. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t think Bella will ever not love Edward or she’ll leave him. I just think one day’s she’s gonna wake up and realize she’s been doing the same thing, day after day, for the last three hundred years. That, and she has no life (or hobbies) outside of Edward, Renesmee, and/or Jacob. I think at some point she’s gonna realize she’s turned into Renee. Or, at least, What Renee Could’ve Been had she and Charlie stayed together. And that’s gonna cause her to - at least quietly - freak out.

But now that I’ve gotten that outta my system, I really don’t know what Bella loves about Edward besides A.) his beauty, B.) his vampirism, C.) his wealth, and D.) his “perfect family dynamic.” And now that she has all that ... what’s the point? (Y’all I’m continuing to gripe, I’m sorry.) I think ten or twenty years after the events of BD, they’ll have developed some really mundane routines. Like, they enjoy really long walks through Mount Rainier National Park. Wherein they kill a bunch of deer together. Ugh, I honestly don’t know! I think Edward will be a really good advocate as far as encouraging Bella to explore her intellectual interests (going to school, etc) and I think Bella really appreciates/loves the fact she has her own personal “cheerleader” in Edward. (Phew, I did one!)

I think Edward probably, without even realizing it, has someone who’ll always idolize him and the whole “Edward can’t do anything wrong and I’ll love him forever ... and ever and ever and ever ...” I mean I don’t think it’s in a malicious way or anything like that, but ... I mean, I’d like to have someone who thinks I’m perfect. Or, at least, from time-to-time. Basically I think Bella is good for Edward’s self-esteem and will always support him and in Bella he’ll always have an advocate. And I think he loves that.

TL;DR: This post was horrible. I honestly couldn’t think of anything; genuinely because I think E/B are pretty boring. SM had so much potential with a lot of these characters (not just E/B) and mucked them up ... in my very humble opinion, lol. I’m looking forward to reading what others have to say about these two.

#twilight #the twilight saga #twilightadvent22 #jessicanjpa #edward cullen #bella swan #e/b #headcanons #day 14

[theclo4ked1]

Allow myself to get a little RETROspective over FusionFall for a bit...

You may have noticed my Tumblr page now looks like a Windows 7 computer operating system. You like it? Along with that, I also updated my "find me elsewhere" list of virtual places to include FusionFall's second revival, OpenFusion (soon to include Retrobution, the revival of FusionFall Retro). In addition to that, I made a page just for my Creature Feature, which you can find in the pinned post or by clicking here. . After making that page for my four Creature Features, I began thinking back to my time in the Future...both times. What do I mean by that? Well, lemme first take you back: late September of 2018... (A VERY long and unfocused post past this point.)

. FusionFall had came back to life/into my life with the beta release of Retro, housing the first four levels and the entire Future Zone. I remember the days and nights leading up to the 29th (which was actually the 27th) being spent with the local players hunting Bad Max to pass the time until the Past was released to the public (or you could say until the time machine was finished). I can't remember if I found Don Doom while Retro was out, but I did in OpenFusion since the Future Zone was empty of players. . Eventually, one afternoon, I logged onto to the Universe Team's website (what used to be fusionfallretro.com, I think) to find that a glorious update on the front page. I don't remember what it said exactly, but you can assume that the Past Zone ergo the entire rest of the game was finished. With this release, Przzyfied (one of the bois on the team), whom I was subscribed to and looked forward to his FuFa (FusionFall) content eagerly, released a Smash Ultimate-type video showcasing all the characters in the game much like the source material did to announce this update.

This, of course, was around when the EVERYONE WAS HERE tagline was hyped to the max. I saw this as a second chance to finish what I started about a decade before. As I said in a rant addressing the DCMA takedown, I came a few levels close of crossing this game off my bucket list before it shutdown, but luckily with OpenFusion, I have that chance again. Third time's the charm. . So, yeah, the Past Zone was open, TIME TO GO! (this mission was removed in Retro btw) I bid the characters farewell and Samurai Jack'd my ass outta 'ere i have not watched samurai jack anyway fast forward past the shutdown to OpenFusion where I restarted my journey to save the Cartoon Network Universe. . This is where my Creature Feature showcase started. I also began an external and complex log of every mission, Boss Monster and Thromnambular locations, along with other details and I'd like to share it with other Notepad Purists-- I mean everyone when I finish it. As you may know, I've only done four monsters; those found in the Future Zone. I didn't spend as much time here as I did in 2018 and I was a bit less thoughtful with my decision to leave but it felt just as sorrowful having to go. I kept playing until level 12 where I just stopped. . The reason I haven't posted any more than the four I got is because I just hadn't found any more interesting monsters to showcase in the Past. I couldn't find any thing to like. However, be ready for the Oil Ogres when I get there-- I will post about them, I will gush about their greatness. . NOW. "Present day" post-Majora's Mask again after eight years. Seriously, I haven't played that game since I was in metaphorical diapers. I used a guide to get through that game my very first time (masks included), but the last time--the most recent time--I think it was nearing the end of Spring, early Summer, anyways I 100%'d the game ALL. BY. MY. SELF (save for the one heart piece from the treasure chest game won by being a goron, i don't know how i would've figured this out in-game, what? do i talk to someone in clock town AS a goron to get this information idk maybe i should try that next time in eight years). But in this last playthrough, I had what may have been my greatest yet most melancholy memory with this game. . Alright, lemme paint this picture: uhh let's do 4chan. >be me >like 90% done with mm >stone tower is left along with other things

BAH forget it. Yes, I was very close to finishing this game. I had the Stone Tower Temple (and its 15 stray fairies) left to do along with the Anju and Kafei three-day-time sidequest, maybe a few masks, too, and the remaining Heart Pieces (excluding the Moon, those were easy enough to obtain). By the way, I fucked up the Bombchu aiming needed to get to the one kid wearing Twinmold's mask, so the first time beating Majora was without the Fierce Deity Mask, but just a week or two ago, I went back and absolutely shat on Majora because I got the FD mask after simply

getting good.

Maybe it was meant to be; to do the final boss as base Link, then the bonus is a rematch using the sheer and raw power of the Fierce Deity Mask. . Sorry tangent, yeah I was close to the end of the game. I began the three day cycle anew. In this timeline, before heading to the Stone Tower Temple (STT, from here on), I had a rematch with the prior dungeon bosses, Odalwa, Goht, and Gyorg, before moving on to the penultimate frontier. Snowhead took me more than the three days (inverted Song of Time activated, too) to figure out the earlier puzzle in the central room, so I had to reset time once to complete the whole dungeon. Surprisingly, STT took me only two and 3/4 days (inverted time activated also), or until midnight of the Final Day to complete. I can't remember what I was more stuck on, the puzzles or the fairies. . I had to listen to the greatest dungeon song for about 3 hours. . But man, upon seeing that cutscene of the four giants' spirits(?) being released, that just felt "it" for me. I had nothing else I wanted to/could do (time-specific sidequests) since, again, I was nearly 100% done with the game, so I returned to Clock Town for a drink: a nice alcoholic Chateau Romani. After a nice swig of three-day-magic, I just roamed the fields with Epona until I had pulled out my Ocarina at the last second to reset time to the Dawn of the First Day. I nearly let the world end, and it was such an indescribable, unhappy feeling. You know "My Friend and the Setting Sun"? yeah well I was "My Horse and the Falling Moon".

So that brings me back to FusionFall. With nothing left to do but wait til the world ends (well you dont actually see the world end, but it's implied that it does after you travel back in time), it left me with that feeling of, I guess, "I don't wanna leave this place but I have to because this game has an important story ahead". . Or maybe it just has something to do with me and my idea of timelines. I'd have to leave something I cannot return to, and I find it difficult to leave things I grown attached to. Yeah, it's a videogame at the end of the day, but it's more to me. The characters I met, the things I've done and the things I've seen will be gone when I leave and no one else will remember. Makes me sad, really. . sorry Where was I going with this? I forgot.

#fusionfall #fusionfall universe #cartoon network #majoras mask

[fuckthisshitimin]

Princesses should be praised more. And by princesses I mean stereotype damsels in distress. They're actually so good at being helped.

Helping people and saving people are heroic acts but we know that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be help, or save someone who doesn't want to be saved, the acts or helping and saving need at least two people.

And I think I know a lot of people, including myself, who are bad at being helped, who know how to be helpful but can't stand being helpless.

Helplessness sounds like an awful trait - nobody likes to feel that way, but everybody experiences it.

But damsels in distress are so fucking cool about it like -- "OK sure I can't do anything about my imminent death but this dude says they can I'll stay outta their way". I'm sorry? Why is it not applauded?

Everybody faces helplessness. Helplessness can only be resolved through help. Help needs a helper and a helped. Why don't we celebrate characters who prove very competent at one of those roles?

People who are saved aren't independent - saviors aren't either. We live in a society. We've grown so much as a society we created an environment that replaces us. We don't need to huddle together at night because we have buildings and fire, we don't need to rely on a group to go harvesting while we hunt because there are supermarkets.

Most of us are helpless about most of the things in our lives - it overlaps a lot with "no ethical consumption under capitalism". We built structures to support, to "help" us, we created a structural helplessness, while devaluing the virtue of being helped?

There is no fucking point - how can we promote heroism in a world where one has to get structural approval to change their own name? The most personal, least world-affecting thing? Fighting for agency in one's world or one's own life is a common trope, and it is seducing, but I don't think we acknowledge often enough that we deliberately sapped individual agency.

Like a fish who built a water tank in the middle of the ocean, and every day we make it a bit safer, a bit smaller, and as the sharks grow more and more blurry we tell the tales of heroes jumping over the glass wall.

Is it some reality tv show with challenges, we orchestrate obstacles just to enjoy watching people go over them? Then why do it on the guise of helping the people that will have to face the challenges?

Most things we did as a society came from a place of helplessness, of fear. We know, the pattern-recognition thing, and the importance of stories. We can't eradicate the very thing that makes us a society with more society. There is no getting rid of helplessness through society - for society is a system built on interdependence - there is no getting rid of helplessness at all.

There is, however, accepting helplessness. Damsels in distress do that. They depend on heroes. They rely on heroes.

All the machines we built - when they emerged people expected the next generations to work less, because the current system, helped with machines, would need less human power. We know that didn't happen, we know capitalism and imperialism don't work like that. It wants more.

We all know about overconsumption, it runs a smooth cycle with overproduction. We don't need all the stuff we make - we don't need half of it, but the idea of stopping, of balancing the system so everyone is contempt, the idea of being contempt at all is contradictory with heroism. We know we could, with our level of technology, all live decently. But how much do we value this? How much do we value the idea of a society where everyone is mostly chilling, mostly relying on a system officiating as an artificial hero? When we worked so we wouldn't need to work anymore, why the hell would we shame people for resting?

So yeah. Damsels in distress, all the characters whose main arc is to be saved should be praised more. It certainly shouldn't be a gender role, but it shouldn't just disappear. Celebrating the fuck out of people who are saved. You're like. The purpose of all this.

#[meaningless statement] #long post #bloodposting #can't wait to read this again and regret it

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

ik this is gonna kinda be an everyone-is-different situation but how do you cope w "what if no one sees me as a man dysphoria"? ive been struggling rlly bad w that tonight n i rlly didnt know who else to ask so im sorry if im overstepping boundaries or anything- and ofc dont at all feel obligated to ask!! i hope youre having a great day🤍🤍

I got a general ask here about tips for dysphoria.

But what you're asking seems to be more about the mental health side of things. Which is such a struggle I know. I can't say I've always dealt with it in healthy ways or in ways I'm proud of. But it's been a while since I was really depressed and mental health wise I'm doing way better. So most of my advice will be from things I found useful in my past. My memory might not be the best tho.

Some general easy things I found that can help:

-write it out. I can't stress how much holding in the anxiety and depression thoughts about "whether I'm a real man/women" can tear you apart. It's good to get it out of your system.

-likewise, talking to someone can help.

-if you're afraid you might harm yourself then don't let yourself be alone. You don't have to talk to someone or do anything with them. Just be in the same room. I know you don't want to be around anyone in that moment. But you're less likely to hurt yourself if someone is in the same room. Bonus points if it's someone who accepts you, but it's not necessary.

-therapy is always a good option. Finding someone that specializes or has other transgender patients.

-redirect your thoughts. "What if no one sees me as a man?" -> "What if they don't see me as a man YET?" Adding a yet can help a lot. Just because you're not there right now, doesn't mean you'll never be. It's similar to how saying "I want to take a nap" instead of "I want to kill myself" has been shown to improve people's self confidence. You can't just magically stop your brain from making those thoughts, but you can change the sentence to something more optimistic or mild.

-Distraction. Distraction. Distraction. When the thoughts as so intense that you can't handle it, sometimes it's best to just distract yourself until they've calmed down. Then you can address things. Whether that's what you need in a current moment will be up to you to decide. But making a good list of things that you think could be good distractions can help. Ex, I like to act out scenes from the stories I write, look at weird houses on Zillow, play video games, anything that involves having to think and move in some way. Just sitting and watching TV isn't engaging enough, and going on a run still lets my mind wonder. Those things aren't good for me in terms of distractions.

-meditation doesn't work well for me, but I've seen it work extremely well for others.

-make something. Bake something, cook something, design something with play dough. Being able to stand back and see something you've done is a good feeling to push the bad feels outta the way.

-do an activity you find gender affirming. Do you find using power tools to make you feel more masculine? Then go use some. (Gender roles are stupid and dumb, but so long as the exist you might as well use them to help you feel better about your actual gender).

-mantra line up with meditation and can help too. These are sentences or words you tell yourself regularly. And then you can use them when you're feeling especially bad to help lift your mood.

Hopefully at least one of those things can help you. Like I said, it's been a while since dysphoria has really hit me that badly. But things do get better. It's a tough place to be in I know. But there is a future for you where you will be seen for who you really are.

#answered #ask #not discourse #advice #transgender advice

[surfaceanalysis]

Let me state first of all, for the record, that I don't care. I grew up in a world where women pastors were verboten. I always took it as a 'get out of jail free' card, to be honest. That was one thing I never had to worry about being 'called' to. For a shy person, this was a blessing, a weight off my terrified shoulders.

I don't think there is a sanctified system. Christ basically said, 'love each other, teach people and baptize them' and set us loose upon the world. We figured the rest out as we went. Is the primary work being done? Good. Don't care how it's happening. Do you think God cares really a lot about the structure of your church committee? Maybe it keeps him up at night, but I doubt it.

Your structure could be perfect and you could suck at actually doing the things you're supposed to do.

I address the weird double standards in the church I grew up in.

"I do not suffer a woman to teach." So women pastors are out of the question. Woman missionaries, on the other hand, perfectly fine.

My mother, who would faint dead away if I tried to preach within our local four walls, has often asked me hopefully if I felt called to go preach to a field full of people in some foreign country. I could preach over there, but not here. I could start a church, but not stick with one.

Figure that out.

Women can't teach. Except for when they can.

Most Sunday School teachers are chicks.

'Oh, but that's for kids. Women can teach kids, they just can't teach men.' But I don't recall an 'except for kids' clause in the text.

If Paul was around I would have some questions. Like why women can't do stuff cuz of Eve, but men can do stuff even tho Adam. Unfortunately I couldn't ask because he's not my husband at home, so. Oh well.

"Women should be silent. If they have questions they should ask their husbands at home." I guess us single chicks are just outta luck.

"There is no male or female, Jew or Greek in Christ." No male or female, until there is.

Imagine if distinctions were made between what Jews and Gentiles could do in church. "I do not suffer a Gentile to teach." Paul would be the first to throw a fit.

Why are your lines drawn where they are?

If women shouldn't teach, they shouldn't teach. If they should be silent, they should be silent. No Sunday school teachers, no committees. They come in, they sit there with their mouths shut, and they go home.

Hey, less work for me.

Although I feel attending at all would prove rather pointless. Ya'll men go ahead, we gals will be sleeping in.

[nmsthim]

POETRY SLAM:MINDLESS BEHAVIOR

WHATS UP WITH THAT!!! big mouth taking up the whole space smize to the gawds, I like your face right in y'all face, glecning off concentrate everyday is picture day lack of me? u up in anti, politics heard em say donkey noisy! there's A grey space of the situation ain't no exposing me no need to wait no longer Captain save a ho is here the longest yard or wondering anymore light it up and take action fast feed, light camera like magic I'm flashy you need me that's why I need to have all four doors its as simple as that, can you take charge ? abuse of the word, otherwise known as a public charmer is that a fact, what you about, you can hold it against me for stating facts, and get down to the nitty gritty I came to break bread, to get these fix, don't pull a fast one on me Bling fury, shut up the deaf dumb and blind spirit. I came I saw and conquer and yet I'm feel fix gimme my money back, having me in here with vain glories country ass doctor barber claiming Brandon and its a girl pulling hos ponytail, seeing lames, and bragging rights I never in team, in the presence such a strange fright. friendships, and rock the boat it came with, down to the boots, shiver me timbers, y'all gross for flood warnings, head in the wrong places…

I NEED A BREAKTHROUGH hurting in my soul might need some whiskey. pour it up drink, dang just slipped me a mickey another one, this parchness turn into a lonely soul. mics on a sound system, I'm running low up out my face, picture me the biggest shone, trying to out do me, this a stick up, cant leave without a better outcome its the 9 th inning goodness gracious lord have mercy on my soul what have I done to envision thus Far spiritual warfare I'm fighting as if my life depends on it. Raising my own damn self, sensei and jacking, ready or not here I come. this life that we living, together forevermore, it had to happen never knew to a situation, you just gotta understand, something. think outta the box and found what I face going in . you outta line , thinking I'm put up with you. no amount of deformation of character can add up to this. birds of a feather flock together, less there be danger. going the longest yard, pulling all connections. made up my mind and band together to join forces. I'm pulling your card.teasing a blue eye soldier This not an ordinary person b I'm fine as fuck. me vs me not needing another in the picture. you must think I'm booboo the foo, fighters and flight got them losing sleep. release the hounds like I was in a band of thieves, its the little things, they calling me like it rung a bell. and what! waxing and waning is it time yet no matter who's speaking the same language period. No voids, can be filled, fixed my eyes do you wrong like I never knew you. what would you do in a sticky situation. don't vow to nobody who don't pay your bills.and rent Super lets keep it moving I'm yearning for something moore and I'm noting that the darkness never did care if I was drowning. look on the bright side of things, sunny like nobody else could shine that bright. Touching the sun, somebody is going to have an asthma attack I should be right about finish and ready to amp you up if you didn't have done the same thing. What's A retort to a runaway ,love, love you moore, was there any other girl. cheater advice or how to tell a lie, the constant steady stream of lies detected. purple flocking like eggplant farms that cammm outta nowhere. break up the ice and make up the days break what's word of mouth anyways we not going down we not the help.

I LIKE IT LIKE THAT losing his marbles try to challenge me !? you yourself know where's the goofy at challenge accepted you a wanna be celebraty trying the life, 99 times couldn't get it right always need a reason choose a thot for picking you not up for the battle you just a basser show me the proof in the pudding telling me I'm nothing I got a feeling can't tell me nothing its like I contracted a bee sting a charge a bite some might something I m not going back to the way it used to be see past it like I I'm reading read em and weep ready set go no consequences if I believe it where you ought to be for this conclusion you must have me mistaken hot like I'm the next Jen many man manne Pac yo never heard of a sticker or just for kicks I love the living day lights outta you workout a knuck and buck cranking you the type to leave not come back for more but nothing comes back void what's made for me Skye to see you still not done ill be that one to say here kingdom come the grand special like I put my foot in it. I mean put it in you mouth straight out the kitchen . Saw you and roll up a I'm down for a killing might guy gotta have some smoke for a big figure Waited so long, had I cut a year to a meal lion standing on bidness like I'm the stallion get these dividends like I'm here for sit in set in stone not all that glitters is gold

#music #audible #album #sing #rap #rhymes #relatable memes

[lilsnowpea93]

Essay time: I can pinpoint exactly why I’m frustrated w capitalism and this current system of how we work in the US. I’ve figured out my place in the world right, I figured out what my “work I should be doing” is (if that’s even necessary morally). But I’ve found the closest things to a typical capital earning career, things that I’m uniquely good at and have “something to offer society” (again just appeasing capitalists w this speak, I’m explaining how the system doesn’t work for some ppl who should be included in society actively doing their thing.) Ok so my shit is like, I do graphic design for friends, we make things. I also make affordable sliding scale art. I make music and encourage ppl to stream/download it for free. I make content online sometimes (way more of a hobby), and I also sell miniature skateboard decks for very affordable prices, or bartering. To summarize, I’m a creative person making stuff that handfuls of people enjoy. That is enough for me, I don’t care about popularity (now that I have other income thank you) and I just want to make neat things and be mentally and physically healthy. Not too much to ask you’d think. NOW, to make this all fit into the capitalist system we are in.. We can spitball, I would have to have so many design projects, from multiple wealthy clients. Or I would also have to somehow get lucky enough to become a somewhat recognized musician and/or artist. Maybe I would become a real content creator. Or I would make my hand crafted items full time. Probably a layering of constant monetary successes in these fields would have to happen for a livable income.

So let’s investigate my specific case. 1. my design caters to liiike, skaters, small brands, etc. You can’t invalidate those niches, they have influence on overall design and are where cool shit sometimes happens. So small doesnt equal bad, most of the time. But small DOES equal not having much money to spread around. 2. Getting famous from art or music is so bad. Trying to do it looks cringey, actually doing it probably sucks so much. Not caring about return is so much fuckinnnggg better !!! I cannot express this enough. U make better stuff. Maybe if u want to be creative, just making it and being proud of it should be the baseline, at least for me. And if a few friends like it, even better. There’s nothing wrong with aiming big I guess but, s2g if there was a way to know the likelihood of that shit, it’d be like wild disproportional. Fuck outta here with that “temporarily embarrassed millionaire” bs. And for me my art/music is kind of specifically me on purpose like I’m gonna do my thing and no one has to like it because I didn’t make it to be like other things or be palatable in a way we contemporarily think of as normal. 3. The content I make online is organic. It’s mainly centered around filmed skateboard tricks. I hope it’s entertaining, I try my best to come up with ones that I feel like doing and that not many people have seen before. I want to add to peoples inspiration when they’re choosing what tricks they want to try. Thinking up rare tricks isn’t something you can just “content” pump out, that would be so weird lol. Like ew being a content creator at shit ruins everything. It wouldn’t even be feasible to make money at that nuh uh. I did try YouTube art vlogs for a year or two but nahhh 4. Bruh do u know how many mini skateboards I’d have to make to equal even half a “normal” jobs pay? They take like an hour or two each no that’s not feasible. Especially the way I make them, more organic and less templates/fancy power tools. I prefer the result that way, it’s harder to get right and takes more time but it’s a skill I have and there’s an art to it so frick offff.

Ok having explained all that- I do believe what I do is a positive force in the communities I’m part of irl and online. I know for a fact that people interact with what I make and are happier because of it. That is very fulfilling. I make things to make them, typically, but that is a huge added bonus, and reason for living frankly.

U may also recognize the thread of affordability or free-ness that runs through everything I like to do. People don’t have random money for buying stuff that’s not for basic survival needs rn. Especially my friends. This is just realistic, like no one’s gonna buy my art if it’s over $50. They can’t afford it, hell I wouldn’t be able to afford it. I used to stress over this, now that I have a steady job I could care less. I’ll give things away for free idc. Cuz good creativity is worth so much and nothing simultaneously I guess lol.

Now, viewing all this from the American capitalist workforce etc perspective: all of these activities are difficult. I put a so much time and effort into each one. I’m kind of a perfectionist and I have very specific tastes. Not to say all my work is good or perfect, but just saying that typically I super care. So I’m passionate about my hard work that I do. A small but not insignificant number of people enjoy the work I put out. However, it does not make barely any income (not my motivation to do my life’s purpose lmao I just do the things I’m good at and like). SO, does that insignificant income part then mean that, I shouldn’t do this stuff? To certain people who understand creative careers they would say that my current path can be a stepping stone to a more real career. To that I say, I’ve been at this step permanently for 10 years, this is it. And also, how are people who are legit at the stepping stone thing supposed to survive?

Now, why I mention all this stuff super hinges on this reality: Currently I work a 30-35 hr full time job at 17/hr and that has made my life a bajillion times easier (I can’t express), but I can barely do the shit I actually want to do, and barely still have good personal and space hygiene and mental health and do easy hobbies like MAYBE sometimes playing a game. If I wanted my life to be upgraded like, having a car, buying a small house, being able to buy the clothes I want, eating out instead of only always spending time making food personally, etc., I would have to work 8 hr 9-5 and find a job that pays even better, but I doubt I could do that because my “real” skills are cleaning the floor/toilet and sometimes fixing things, I could easily get paid less for less hours. Working that 8 hr 9-5 job that’s in a different field I probably don’t like very much would 100% kill all the other things I do. I know this because sometimes I have to work that schedule. Nothing else gets done, apartment doesn’t get cleaned, I barely take care of myself, let alone express the skills that feel like my “purpose”. Maybe that’s a me mental health issue, it seems like some people can do it. Imagine having kids added on to that, this is why I won’t have kids. My past Christian culture really wanted me to have kids. Ur trippin. I regularly fail at taking care of myself.

So what all this tells me, is that my actual skills, which I am pretty good at due to years of experience, have succeeded at so many times in terms of people effected, measurable good done.. I kinda probably shouldn’t have done it, I’m getting good at the wrong thing, it doesn’t make money as its first goal. Meritocracy my assss bro. There’s worth in what I do. The things people like me do are part of the culture. Absolutely not saying I make any waves in that department lol, but I’m part of it, I add my two cents. The culture is what makes shit interesting, it’s what makes people happy, ppls days better, it’s human connection thru shared interests and progression of an art form. Like idk what to tell u I think it’s cool. But to the normal viewpoint, all my stuff is just hobbies. But they’re kinda more than hobbies right? Like I’m just trying to check the capitalist boxes, I don’t think everyone should have to hold their things they do to wild standards of almost fitting into capitalism like mine do. But still, I can’t do it in the way they want, even with the help of having the internet.. and I’m not about to ruin and taint what I love to make not even enough dollars to live from. I don’t even know what I want bro but all I know is that shit doesn’t woooork. Like for some people it does! But not for ppl like I’m describing, who are definitely worth having in society and letting flourish etc. To me creative ppl are a bajillion times more interesting than someone who works in business. Like they can do that sure, that’s probably their thing I guess, buuut idk what are u adding bro, when u die what will u have done. Better been like donating to charities or something. The ppl this system wants u to be are so boring and inhuman. It literally wants to suppress creativity. I hope I’ve proven that here, I know I’m a unique case w my weird shit I do that goes beyond music or whatever’s popular rn. Like I add to society in these ways.. and my regular job does too, I’ve always worked for non profits I like. But still, objectively trying to do both is really gnarly. If only I could be randomly famous for one of those things I like doing to support the rest, I say jokingly because it is not feasible and will likely never happen. Let’s be real there, for most creative people it does not happen. But they still add to their communities and are positive facets of life and society at large. They should be able to do their thing! I also recognize that this experience is very very common. Like I’m granularly describing mine but there are definitely so many ppl with similar things happening all the time. We’re not free to do what we want. The system tells u the opposite but eh there’s a big twist. Sure I could be less free. Literally hate that argument so much tho because it’s always in regards to human made systems like, yes, AND humans COULD fix the terrible instances where the poor people are mega oppressed. We should all be on a better page. We have the resources to be but we’re not. The system and ppl who control it aren’t interested in that I guess. Like, clearly, that’s the reason. Our lives are all a little or massively worse for it. Humans can’t human as effectively, society is less colorful and interesting. As humanity we have less to offer and show for our time on earth.. We don’t even have a clear reason to explain why we’re here or why we’re conscious entities. If I know one fact about reality, we’re not here to solely make money. I refuse to get obsessed with that. But we’re all coerced to be, and the system is built to clearly influence that desire, at the risk of punishment. Like, no, fuck u and fuck money. It’s so awesome that this attitude seems so worthwhile and also so antithetical to living within our system. Fuck all that man that’s terrible. Again, I’m sure we could figure out a way to fix this, but we don’t. We also have bigger problems we refuse to fix. Humans are so cooool hahaha I love us awwee. Sorry for cynicism lulz but it is worrying! Hard not to think about it all the time ya know.

[clqveris]

started my ao3 back up this year. ao3 wrapped? I dunno. it's something

general rambling. reminder that the DOVES ARE DEAD some of these have nasty tags on them

I wish I could post something privately just for my mutuals. oh well

I say started back up because uhhhhh I wrote something in freshman year of highschool. It is my most loathed child and is now an orphan. It is in the very back of my ao3 inbox. Its statistics are on par with my current most popular fics. Goddammit.

Started writing this year because of Stardew Valley. Currently I believe it's one of the longest running projects I've ever worked on. Started it in February. Now it's December. I think it will be another year at least. My poor little farmer whom I give all the tragedies to. I dropped this game again earlier this year and yet still find the drive to write this. Amazing. I think I have the fic planned and then it goes and does its own thing sometimes.

All the TGED fics are the same to me. Least favorite children. The bad modding in the discord made me lose taste for the whole fandom, unfortunately. I am allowing myself to shit-talk this server on account of the poor moderation being in concerns to NSFW content, and that the server is not an adult only server. And some of the immaturity in there. Not immaturity as in "acting childish for fun" and "not being serious all the time," because acting like a mature adult all the time would be tiring and soul sucking, but immaturity as in "I am a child and my childish actions are not for fun but for throwing tantrums against things I don't like."

The count will forever stay at 4. The last thing I wrote for it I wrote all the chapters and then posted them all at once, and then forgot them. It is also my most popular fic. What a shame. I hope one day I will get a comment in my inbox that says "Why did you start writing incest." Otherwise, I respond to none of the comments on those fics.

My S-Class fics are my favorite children right now, besides the Stardew one. The only fandom I've ever written with an E rating for, and you know what? It's not bad. It's freeing. I get to be free. I forget all the time that they can be considered dead dove, for reason of the big fat Incest label on it. They feel tame to me, for some reason. Maybe they are. Maybe it's not my fault that one of the characters actually canonically tries to lock his brother up and has thoughts of getting rid of everyone else.

Perhaps one day they will surpass the TGED fics. Currently this one is the most popular of all of them, but I feel like that's about to change. Hm...

I don't really look at statistics except for the comments in my inbox, but here we go.

Subscriptions. I posted all the chapters of System Error at once, why are you subscribing to it?

Word count. No surprises here.

Bookmarks. frowns at System Error. get outta here

Comment threads. At least three of them are my favorite children.

Kudos. Hang in there cuckoo. your time will come I promise

Hits. You're telling me more people saw the high-speed competitive frotting and got less kudos than cuckoo? that's crazy

All in all? I'm blind. I don't see. Who is TGED? Never heard of them. I've never built a house in my life, your honor. All I know is Really Fucked Up Sibling Relationship with the author's poorly disguised brocon-

I also realize now, that most of the things I've written have something to do with extreme and unhealthy displays of affection. Stardew? You saw the yandere tag. TGED? Pretty sure that guy would blindly trust anything the other guy does. S Classes? I point out once again, the unhealthy codependent relationship between those brothers.

Now, as a reader. I need to bookmark more things I believe. I'm lacking. I'm slacking. I need to up my game 100 emoji.

If you read this far, I encourage you to comment. Putting all your thoughts about how a fic made you lose your mind in a comment is really fun, because then I don't have to just sit there and go "holy shit, that was an amazing fic, now I just have to sit here and act like I didn't read something that good." You can type it out and share it with the world. Highly recommend for when you're about to lose your mind over a fic.

[seeminglyseph]

Aaahh.. I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel so augh. I’m trying to figure out the right balance of building up stamina and strength without accidentally triggering a fatigue relapse. And get the right timing for my IIH medication so I don’t also have relapse migraines, plus I think I had to adapt to my vyvanse increase because it increased pressure severely, but my focus and mental clarity has been really really bad on the IIH meds, and trying to get anything done when you just can’t think is just. Awful.

Plus some personal life stuff has been pretty terrible and I’ve been trying to like sort my feelings out, and trying to like. Not spiral into all of my worst feelings ever at the least opportune time ever, while also trying to actually keep on top of doctors’ appointments and holiday stuff and not being stressed as hell because like. Part of my brain is like “what if this is early signs that you also have ALS and you’re dying like your dad only faster” which probably not, my dad was 70, not 35, but my brain thinks mean things all the time.

I’ve cut out a lot of caffeine, and have been almost exclusively drinking Gatorade lately which feels wild I never thought I’d kick half of these habits. But so much of my life has shifted due to pain and the way medication has changed my actual senses. Like the fact that my sense of smell is so intense now is just. Really weird? I carry around one of those Vic’s inhaler pens because sometimes smells are just too strong to handle. I feel like I have to work harder to keep things clean just because I can’t handle the smell of things. Which is exhausting the hell outta me because I don’t have the energy to really keep up with all of it. I just start smelling things. I smell the water and our local water filtration system is actually really good. I smell the inside of my nose. I got a metal Gua Sha thing to try and do some of the sinus headache massage stuff I saw because they say it’s good for drainage? And headaches. I know some people are doing it hella wrong ‘cause they talk about toxins and weight loss and mostly it’s about like. Fluids and stuff. But when I put it in the fridge and cover my face with rose hip oil it feels really nice. I already did a drainage massage when I remembered but the little metal massage tool feels really nice. Plus the like stainless steel is easy to sterilize. The rose hip oil I have is probably mad old but whatever it hasn’t hurt yet. And I’m working on not being so dehydrated. Even though I’m drinking so much Gatorade. My meds are dehydrating. And it’s so dry out. I need to clean my humidifier, I think it sat a little long and now I’m worried about mould.

I’m worried about everything honestly. It sucks. I can’t tell what’s going on with me all the time. I think I’m hormonal, but like that doesn’t stop everything from being like… a lot all the time. And I don’t really always know what to do about it. My appetite is totally dead and I’m just trying to drink Ensure and drink Gatorade and I know I should work regular water in sometimes but I hate water and I don’t wanna drink it. I feel like a petulant child but I still just hate water. And now I can smell it somehow and it makes me like it less. And I remember throwing it up before and over and over again and it’s just. A lot. I don’t know for sure if I have POTS, the tilt table wasn’t conclusive, and the doctors haven’t confirmed it, and are still trying to get me to go for water over other things, but it’s still really a struggle. But I know hydration will make me feel better.

I just have a million symptoms for a million things that all seem like a million things that all seem kind of unclear. I feel like I’m only recently even starting to think clearly enough to even start putting any of it together enough to get answers to some of them. Even though I technically got the diagnosis last September I feel like I didn’t even start thinking at all until like a few months ago. I guess it makes a little sense, one of the symptoms is memory loss and a lack of mental clarity. But I really feel like my whole mind was clouded over. It’s frustrating.

#my life