#(no i know. they taught me that in therapy.)

[the-confessions-of-a-fangirl]

Buck Season 8 Storyline

Season 7 started off strong for Buck with the way his bisexual realization was written. The confusion, the 'overenthusiastic-ally-to-queer,' over-compensating with the heterosexual behavior because you're not ready to be out.

But after that Buck was, once again, shoved into a relationship with someone who wouldn't treat him well and was given no further storyline beyond that. Even Maddie and Chimney, who didn't get overarching storylines like Henren, Bathena ,and Eddie, at least had one episode storylines and made an impact in the story during the finale (fostering Mara till Henren could finally officially adopt her).

It got me thinking on what kind of storyline Buck could have in season 8. It has to be something that touches on his family (118) and romantic relationships (they can't be side-lined at this point) but it has to be something wholly about him.

Then I remembered season 4. In season 4, we see that Buck started seeing a Dr. Copeland because he had issues about feeling 'sad and lonely' and feeling like he can't trust it (4x03). Even after he got closure from Abby which was the only lingering relationship issue at the time, he still felt sad and lonely.

This means that it's an internal thing that is making him feel sad and lonely, not an external relationship. And afterwards we see that this loneliness stems from his childhood in a family with neglectful parents and a sister, who loved him so much, but was caught up in a terrible situation to be around.

But there was another aspect that we learned from his childhood. His 'reckless' , 'dive in head first' attitude was a learned behaviour. He taught himself that being in pain=getting attention from his parents and this escalated to a point where he got in a motorcycle accident. As these incidents escalated, he would have to do weigh the fact that he could get really hurt (or worse) and then go 'that's not as important as the possibility of surviving and his parents showing him a smidge of attention'

That is textbook self-destructive behaviour wrapped up in this need for attention and love. He needs this attention because otherwise he doesn't feel enough for his parent's affection. And how long can a kid grow up like that before he internalizes that?

This lack of self worth is seen in 4x05 when he calls himself 'defective parts' and when Eddie combats that by saying 'its not on you' he combats it not by saying he doesn't think that but that his parents do think of it like that. He isn't saying 'I know I'm not defective' but that 'this situation isn't about me' when it clearly is. It personally speaks to me about low self-worth, that even when he is talking about himself, its through the way other people describe him.

He also has a huge tendency to intellectualize his traumas rather than confront them. Refer to Buck 1.0, 2.0 and 3.0. Instead of processing the fact that his parents lied to him for years, he just says he's a new person because his parent's agreed to family therapy with him. He hasn't even dealt with his emotions yet and he's already packing the trauma in a box to keep away. Even his bisexual arc follows this, he may logically understand that he is bisexual but then he immediately jumped into something without trying to process what that means to him because he just won't think about himself without a buffer of another person.

So we see that Buck tends to feel lonely even when he is surrounded by meaningful relationships (Taylor in 4x08), he has self destructive habits and a lack of self worth. We also see that whenever it comes to him processing or letting himself feel his emotions, he'd rather focus on something else (he finally realizes it is over with Abby; he worries about not being a manwhore like Buck 1.0, his family lied to him; he'd rather focus on the fact that he is getting family therapy and try to find someone romantic, when Eddie is shot and he's asked about it; he'd rather worry about the team and climb up a crane where chances are he could be shot)

I want to take all of this and put it in a storyline for Buck where he learns that he only looks for a romantic partner, no matter who they are, because he wants to avoid being alone with his negative thoughts about himself or what he has been through like the ladder, his parents, dying, being lied to by Maddie, seeing Eddie get shot. The sad and lonely part of him that he keeps trying to put away with any romantic partner that comes his way is not because he lacks romance or love of any kind, but because he is unable to be happy with just himself. Buck doesn't like himself, he's constantly looking for an external change for something internal to him that he doesn't even try to think about and that is self-destructive.

Because the only external change he can think of is tossing himself into any relationship he has the opportunity of being in without thinking about whether that person is good for him. Abby didn't want a serious relationship, he barely got a chance to be meaningful with Ali, Taylor has behaved poorly in regards to his family (118) and Tommy is overall very dismissive of Buck as a person.

And when these relationships end, he feels even more poorly about himself, because he has always thought of any issue in a relationship being his fault because why wouldn't it be?

Buck has serious self worth issues that he needs to learn how to process and learn to like who he is and I hope season 8 will do that.

#911 abc #evan buckley #911 #911 season 7 #911 spoilers #911 show #buck buckley #911 season 8 #911 season 4 #911 season finale #give buck better storylines

[twoheadedfather]

the "wait, someone was supposed to teach me this?" moment about like 85% of the things in my life

#child neglect #going to the hair stylist and her saying i wasn't rinsing my hair out right #like a build up of gunk because nobody taught me how to rinse my hair right #and my mom stood there like “what haha what that's crazy” like she taught me how to do that #I STILL DONT KNOW HOW TO DO IT #childhood neglect #childhood trauma #trauma #toxic parents #toxic mom #toxic mother #vent #i have a therapy appointment today. fearing for my life

[gxlden-angels]

Bro I hate fundamentalists and culturally-fundie parents they'll say shit like "spare the rod spoil the child am I right haha yea my parents used to have to beat my ass with a switch almost everyday but I sure did learn my lesson" but like??? no you didn't??? you were hit multiple times for something you very obviously did not, in fact, learn

Like studies about how harmful even lightly spanking children is aside, you're literally contradicting yourself?? Some even admitted they got worse as they got older cause they wanted to see how far they could push their parents before they got punished

And studies not aside, you're gonna get child raising advice from the same book that tells you to stone your wife if her hymen doesn't break on your wedding night instead of the decades of research we have now?? Just say you're a bad parent and move on my guy. Skill issue

#bro I had a coworker go 'unpopular opinion I think some kids really do need beatings' and I'm like???? #unprompted???? what's going on there???? #well anyways I ended up going 'yea so I plan on specializing in play therapy with autistic children so I've been learning about talking #to children and the ways their parents and environment affects them' #and they're like hmmm but beating this kid with a stick after they broke something or I upset them to the point of yelling is good actually #had a boss say it taught him and his kids respect cause they were hard-headed #and I'm like?? that's fear not respect! they fear punishment! they do not act out of respect for you! #he's a conservative christian black man tho so he's like 'But Authority!' like bro I don't even respect you what are you on about #'You don't respect police and their authority?' Nope! I fear them! I do not respect cops and every cop/cop-adjacent person I personally know #has reinforced that for me #'We'll agree to disagree' Cool! Doesn't mean you're not wrong! I could believe trees aren't real but that is in fact incorrect #then he pulled out the bible verse and I was like ah okay I forgot you like 'here's how to treat slaves' book you're so right bestie #I'm totally wrong now and so sorry for doubting you and your 2000+ year old book I don't believe in <3 #They'd go 'well I turned out fine!' then say something that directly contradicts that #anyways I need christians to get their grubby little hands off the current state of Child Protection and Rights in the U.S. #So we can actually start working on helping kids without the force of christian hands suffocating them #cause homeschooling and child raising by evangelicals are so fucked up bro I'm tired of this shit #I'd only stay in my current state to help children get out of that cycle since I'm in the bible belt #ex christian #religious trauma #child abuse tw

[handweavers]

I think it’s mostly just the way you phrased that post was like you were assuming whoever was reading it must be shallow and have no life or personality outside of “consuming media” (the most robotic internet term for enjoying art and stories). Which just feels ironic given that it’s on the self-proclaimed “fandom website” where people are bound to go onto their blogs to talk about, like, movies or whatever the hell. Not that I think that’s definitely how you feel because I don’t know you, but at least in my opinion that how most people read your post. It just feels kind of annoying in an especially Tumblr-y way to ask “can you even stand yourself when you aren’t reading a book? do you even have any personality outside of watching that show?”, get surprised when some people who see it think it’s dumb, then immediately go “well I must be right then if you’re all so offended by it… Maybe that’s something you should unpack”. Sorry people are being rude to you though lol, I’m sure you meant well and it was probably just meant to be like a 5-note-post for your mutuals or something.

it was a series of questions i wrote mainly for myself and maybe 5 people who i knew wouldn't interpret my words in bad faith and knew what i was trying to say because we are friends and they understand where i am coming from and the context i was talking in. it wasn't intended to blow up nor was it my goal and im actually quite frustrated that it did because it's only been a headache. even in this ask you are misinterpreting my words and reading into them in the worst possible way and making assumptions about me that are incorrect and you even acknowledge you're doing this in the ask lol so i don't even know what your goal was with sending this. i deleted the post(s) a while ago and want nothing more to do with this conversation sorry

#the way i wrote the post was based on how youre taught to ask yourself difficult questions in both meditation/mindfulness and in therapy #where even if the answer is difficult and the question is uncomfortable #the answer is neutral and something to simply observe and note . which again. i wrote for myself and the 5 people who would understand that #because they know me and how i talk and think #& why i repeatedly emphasized i did not mean judgement thru it and that the answers are ok no matter what they are #and u can disagree with that approach but it helps me and again. it was not meant to reach people who would read me in bad faith

[johndonneswife]

#just need to vent rq lololol #my wedding lehenga came out so freaking beautiful #but it needs to be taken in a lot like. i lost 6 inches on my waist since i initially had it made for my body #and everyone at the shop was like ohh wow good job great you look so great now you look awesome #and my mom was like oh wow good job that’s good you did it #like lol #i wanted to just be like #‘thanks i had to go to iop therapy at an ed center where they literlaly taught me how to eat food. like a toddler. thanks’ #like i didn’t lose weight for an intentional reason but thanks for confirming you thought i looked horrible before lolol #idk i have been like every size in the book but seeing how much better ppl treat me when im smaller #i’m just like. :) #if my mom says anything about her body or mine tomorrow i will probably fucking lose it and if you see a woman in nj killing ppl on the news #it’s me. lol #it just really took me out of the experience bc i’m trying sooooo hard to be neutral about my body. and like. i don’t need to hear your #thoughts abt what i look like lmao #whatever my dress is beautiful and i’m so beautiful and i’m excited but i really do think i should be able to hunt ppl for sport #leave me alone #nothing you do can please ppl #when i was 20 and 100 lbs and killing myself and sick and miserable every single day my mom was also just like #wow you look great #meanwhile i was balding and fainting at the gym and failing my college classes bc i was obsessed w my body #text #also look at these cats that are just in luis’s apartment’s hallway like rofl who let them out of their apt!!!! so cute #my mom saying ‘you did it’ as if i was trying to do something made me lol #i wasn’t TRYING to do anything i just am healing my relationship w food and my body #bc i refuse to waste my entire life being bitter and miserable and ashamed of existing #like SOMEONE i know…. #anyway this could be you too! if you went to fucking therapy! #i ate ny pizza out of spite after all of this #sorry some of you can’t enjoy a fucking carb !!!!!

[tardis--dreams]

On a scale from 1 to 10 how weird would it be to write a little thank you/goodbye card to a colleague you really like where you'd tell him you learned a lot from him and appreciate his support and had fun working with him? It's a 10, isn't it.

#oh gooooooood i don't want him to leave #(but I'm glad he's getting out of this company. he was suffering there and it's the best decision for him) #but I'm So bad at expressing sincere feelings out loud without making it sound kinda stupid #and i also don't just wanna write a message via teams on his last day or something #but well #there's still a few months left for me to think about it #i just feel like his effort and kindness shouldn't go unacknowledged #I'm sure he'll get a lot of nice words and probably a goodbye present from his colleagues #but I'm not really a real part of the team and i probably won't even be there on his last day #so a little card with some words of gratitude and appreciation would be my solution but what if that's too much #idk why i think any kind of sincere expression of emotions is a crime worth the death penalty but.. #(no i know. they taught me that in therapy.) #i would probably be happy about something like this and wouldn't find it strange or too much #so why do I think other people would #oh well let's just see how i feel about it in August #no need to worry about it for so long #void screams #i still feel sad #but honestly happy he'll be free soon

[thethingything]

local man discovers he's gotten into the habit of using DBT techniques without actually being taught them because at some point he realised that the things we get the urge to do when we have strong emotions often aren't healthy and that he doesn't like how he feels afterwards so he started noticing when that was happening and going "fuck that shit" and doing the opposite instead

#personal #thoughts #Lucy post #talking to 🍬 about various stuff we do because of our social anxiety and what are probably undiagnosed BPD symptoms #and we realised he's gotten himself into the habit of paying attention to how his emotions affect his judgement #and trying to take a step back when he's experiencing an emotion that he knows gives us the urge to do stuff that's not healthy for us #and he said he felt bad about having those emotions and urges to do unhealthy stuff #at which point I was like ''okay but you're choosing not to act on that and to take a step back and do something healthier instead #which is what actually matters here and is also something that takes a hell of a lot of self-awareness and self-control'' #this is shit they teach you in therapy that's difficult specifically because you're going against your brain's instincts for a situation #and we were never taught how to do it so you've just fucking taught yourself to do it instead #without actually knowing it's a specific technique that has a name #I was aware of it but had never actually looked at the instructions properly because when I stumbled across it #it was at a point where being told to go against what my emotions made me want to do felt invalidating and upsetting #I've literally just pieced together that ''oh right that's what that is and how it's supposed to work #and how it's meant to feel when you do it right'' #anyway all this is to say that I keep being impressed with the amount of progress 🍬's made on learning healthy coping mechanisms #including things I could never seem to get the hang of when I was fronting more and handling more stuff #and I'm really proud of him and 🦋 and everyone else who's been handling stuff within the system and keeping things running #but also nobody in here seems to realise how much progress they've made with anything until someone else points it out #I just realised I should tag this as #happy posting #because I'm talking about stuff that's going well and where we've actually made a lot of progress

[bitterpngs]

,

#why is it that if i don’t write things down i forget everything i was taught in therapy #i’m sure i could be doing SOMETHING rn but #idr and don’t care enough to try to remember #well there’s a few things i remember but not rlly helpful rn #or maybe that’s just me not wanting to put in effort #bad i know but oh well #it means suffering until the feelings pass or i go to bed #angel.txt #h

[tokyoteddywolf]

22 isn't very much at all, I think.

#5am rambles #anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps. #you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown? #that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes? #that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old? #im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed. #you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out? #I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt. #i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years. #i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best. #I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out #first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay #cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything. #any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic' #so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden. #i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door. #sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems. #that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too. #ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day. #therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope #i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed. #emotions are so hard to figure out.

[crawlingbetweenearthandheaven]

angry at myself for not applying to oxford. i know so many thickos who got into oxford. i could have got in. need to let it go because it has been ten years since my open day but like. still feel inadequate for "only" going where i did go..

#someone help me. therapy. idek. #personal #like i got A* AB and full marks in english lit a level and that was with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. #i could have waited a year and re-took my spanish and got on meds.... #also like i got 88 in my dissertation and i taught myself the entire third year syllabus because i was so fucking ill that i didn't go to #half my exams #like... #idek. #i do not want that life particularly. toff life i mean. god i have no idea what i am talking about #i hate myself wildly for not doing enough with this GIFT that i have you know ?

[a-shakespearean-in-paris]

There’s a couple of things I credit to my improved mental health this year compared to last--therapy of course is a major one, but another has definitely been having friends who are in the same place in life as me. 

When my mental health was poor, most of friends were/are married and settled. Now that I have friends who are in similar places as me I don’t feel like I’m behind or inadequate, which are a lot of things that drove me to therapy in the first place.

Sometimes I do still feel left behind, but those feelings have definitely lessened.

#personal #therapy also taught me just to fuck it and book the trip lol #i was so upset i had no one to go with #and she was like #go alone dummy #i mean ofc she didn't say it like that but #you know #lol

[dreamingoftinystars]

I genuinely can’t believe that I’ve gotten to a point in my life where in my last therapy session my therapist said: “yeah well grades aren’t the main stressor anymore”

I’ve healed so much. Therapy really does do wonders huh

#i started doing therapy because I was having daily panic attacks over my grades and school #school is still a stressor for me and as we’re entering finals season it is definitely at the top of my mind #but it is not nearly as bad as it once was #taking a gap year and having therapy taught me that my self worth isn’t wrapped in my grades #i as a human being have more worth than a piece of paper #i still have other stuff going on hence I’m still in therapy #I’m genuinely so proud of myself and grateful for my therapist #and for my parents who made me go to therapy and paid for it for so many years (and to insurance godbless) #like if my parents hadn’t caught onto how bad it was I don’t know if I would be here right now #also going to a school that isn’t full of academic people like going to a liberal arts school was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made #for both social culture but also because god is my brain so much more relaxed and open #now that’s not to say that school won’t become a main stressor again but I also having more coping mechanisms now #i am just so proud of myself and so happy that I’ve healed a little bit #sorry if this is rambling or too self serving I just needed to have a little appreciation for this

[waitinginthecorner]

I'm gonna be 6 days full sober starting tmmrw unless I fall into the trap of tht dumb ass pre check check shit....I wonder which part of me will win....

#rambling #who am i kidding i know which will win #i need help. this is a cry for help. i need support. im so sick of playing pretend all the time lmfao #im tired of ppl talking abt being depressed for a few days like...nothing against them #but ive been in a perpetual state of trying not to kms and ruin all my relationships for years now #i just rly dont want to hear abt how u watch tv in bed when youre sad im sorry #idk how much longer i can do this. i rly have to start fighting for myself harder but also im so tired im so worn down #i can tell im getting so much worse even though im trying even harder than before and im scared #but i dont know what to do or where to turn #getting therapy can take so long and i need money so i cant leave my job and i cant abandon my current life bc i have no money for it #cant abandon my friends bc ik what that can lead to #i feel so trapped and im trying so hard not to but no one ever taught me enough to work thru this properly #but who am i to bitch when theres so much more going on around me #anyway.....heres wonderwall

[satanfemme]

btw I may be angry and evil 4ever but I'm fr putting effort into being nicer/more forgiving with others. ik I'm frequently like "yes I'm a hypocrite" but honestly not now. cause even if I'm not where I want to be yet, ik I'm better off than a lot of people simply for putting the effort in.

#it's like that ''re-wiring'' shit they talk about in therapy but it's actually meaningful this time #less ''I'm anxious but my fears are stupid uwu'' - #- and more ''I dislike this person without good reason. why? who taught me to feel this way? who does it benefit? how am I like them?'' #do u know what I mean? sorry for insulting CBT or DBT or whatever it's called. in my defense I hate it and I hate therapy ^_^

[neonpigeons]

absolutely sick of my own brain tonight. I know ignoring grief makes it worse but I would like to not deal with it anymore

#i don't want to be miserable i want to be a functioning adult who isn't so fucking sick in the head i can barely do anything #which is not the right mindset to have! i know! because i refuse to acknowledge or deal with it! #cuz there's just so much wrong #I've been taught my entire life to keep it all repressed and that my feelings don't matter and it's best to suck it up #and i know that's wrong i know that isn't healthy #but i can't undo it. it feels impossible #ironically this is why i stopped going to therapy. i felt horrible and i hated talking about my problems #being self aware is making things worse cuz now im just always so fucking angry at myself #lmao this fucking sucks #ari speaks #negative #personal #I've been crying for 30 mins cuz i watched smth earlier that reminded me of a lot #being touch starved also isn't helping. not even my own dog wants to be close to me. pathetic

[aureutr]

Loved the Distant Echoes update; your writing is as good and engaging as always! And I can't wait to see where it keeps going from here (ie what terrible choices will Din make next?: the continued saga)

Thank you so much! Din has, I think, one more "terrible, no good, the fuck is wrong with you?" choice left to go. I don't see anyone guessing it now, but in a chapter or two everyone will, ha.

I've been cracking jokes about how he's a walnut (he is and I love him for it), but it's also just kind of sad? Yes, this could have been resolved with a conversation with Luke, but Din is operating from an extremely flawed worldview. Our boy was raised by Darth Maul, not exactly a paragon of sanity or good choices.

Din spent a good portion of his childhood having severely incorrect ideas drummed into his head (often literally). He knows Luke as he is (or was at the beginning of ESB) but also knows that if/when he succeeds in becoming a Jedi he will have no choice but to follow their ways. Which Din thinks includes literally wiping out Sith.

He knew his Master was out of control, but that didn't make him re-evaluate the things he was taught. Realizing your parents are only human is much more complicated than that, even for a logical person. Going against one's Master is not an option in his mind, therefore Din believes Luke will have to follow Jedi rules, therefore Luke will kill him if they meet again. Din also knows that he cannot bring himself to kill Luke, so the only option he sees is his death. No, he has not wondered what he would do if Maul was alive and ordered him to kill Luke instead.

At the same time, he knows Luke loves/loved him and having to follow through on wiping out Sith would gut him. The last thing Din wants to do is to cause Luke pain or help his enemies find him, so he came up with his ridiculous plan and keeps doubling down on it. It is absolutely illogical, and it leaves Din hurting worse than he would if he took the risk, but that's the point. He literally knows nothing else.

And naturally, the more he hurts himself the more pain he has to feed the Dark Side, the more he feeds the Dark Side the more he buys into his jacked up worldview (galaxyview?). All he knows how to do is survive, really, and sees no other way than keeping on this track until he keels over.

Peace, after all, is a lie.

Of course, if there's one thing Luke Skywalker is known for, it's taking a third option.

#anyway this is one of the big things I love about alternate character interpretations #I have a very specific memory of the moment I internalized #'my parents are flawed beings capable of being incorrect therefore not everything they taught me was right' #fucking game changer for therapy #even if you 'know' parents being wrong is possible #internalizing it is another thing altogether #dinluke #star wars #vague allusion to child abuse #distant echoes #ask reu #fanfiction meta #maybe spoilers for distant echoes? idk #I will spoil my own stuff at the drop of a hat so sometimes it's hard to hold things back