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#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.
tokyoteddywolf · 1 month
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22 isn't very much at all, I think.
#5am rambles#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out#first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay#cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope#i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.
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weasleyhollows · 5 years
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Fred Weasley x Reader
*swearing, mention of sex
Part 1
I hurried down the corridors of Hogwarts, I was late for the Potions class with Professor Snape.  Relieved, I realized that he was not yet in classroom, warning glances shot from my classmates to me, just lose no points for the Shlyterin house.
"Where have you been," my alleged friend hissed. I groaned and waved off, it was incredibly lonely as a shlyterin, everyone seemed to hate you and in the house there was only suspicion and who you were.  Something I never understood, it seemed to be extremely important to the house here and to my parents as well which bloodline you where from.  From a young age I was told to hate the Mudbloods and the Blood traitors.
Eyes bored into my back and as I turned around, Draco Malfoy's gray eyes stared coldly at me, the loneliness was such a thing, it makes stupid mistakes.  One of them was snogging around with Malfoy, it does give you a certain level of Power with the Slytherin, but you were still alone in the end.  Malfoy was at the instigation of Snape in our class, supposedly as a high performance class because he was so special.  Actually, it was under my dignity to snog with a 2 years younger, but as I said the Power and the loneliness bend everything.
Classes began and like always, the Weasley twins set nonsense jokes, Fred and George looked exactly the same, the same fiery red long hair, chocolate brown eyes and freckles graced their faces. My head throbbed painfully as I tried to focus on the complicated potions and beem the annoying twins out, Snape did not even respond to the stupid jokes, just as I wrote terms on my parchment a green fireball hit the lamp and jumped off, exactly on my notes and burned them. With a furious cry I jumped up, one of them shook with laughter and the other ducked with his wand in his hand and bit his lip, before I could think about it, I pulled my wand and yelled, "Expelliarmus!", I disarmed the crouching twin.
His wand whirled through the air and landed in the collar of a dark-skinned Gryffindor. "WANDS DOWN!" Snapped Snape. I lost all color from my face "20 points deduction for Slytherin and Gryffindor Miss (L / N), Mr Weasley 1 week detention, contact me after the lesson," he hissed. I sank back in my chair, my face pale, I screwed up. The lesson ended and I shuffled down the corridor to the Teachers room, unfortunately Draco caught me by the wrist. "What the hell did you do? To get fucked up like that from a Weasley, you cost us 20 points! ", His words cut through  the air and his grip squeezed my wrist which would be blue tomorrow, my eyes narrowed "what do you think I was doing?" I hissed back.
Something sparkled in Draco's angry eyes, he grabbed my jaw as fast as lightning and pulled me close to his face "beware how you talk to me", his voice was now sugar sweet and I knew that he was about to explode, he turned my head painfully to the side, took a deep breath on my temple and kissed my cheek. My heart was racing with fear and I quickly had to suppress the rising tears as he let go of me and walked away. No question Draco Malfoy was a dangerous young man.
The twin (which turned out to be Fred Weasley) and I were ordered to clean the trophies in the trophy room by hand and without magic. As Snape said he found out 100 percent when we use magic, in the room were the 1,000 trophies!
To our chagrin, the trophies seemed to have gotten an extra layer of dust, almost magically. After my 15 polished cup I tiredly blew one of my hair strands, which slipped out of my braid, from my face and turned to Fred, who sat relaxed on the wooden floor and eat Bertie Botts beans without even one cup cleaned.
"Are you serious?" I snapped. "Oh, I beg you, tomorrow you're just as dirty as today, cuz they're cursed. not noticed yet?", He gave me a crooked grin, my cheeks burned "of course I know that!", I did'nt know that.
Grumpily, I watched Fred flipping beans into his mouth "starring is rude," he remarked, pounding the wooden floor with his left hand to signal me to sit down, critically eyeing him first and then the trophies .. I could not afford to lose more points but ... with a sigh I went to Fred on the other side of the room and sat down, he offered me some beans, they tasted of cinnamon.
"The fireworks should not hit you", Fred's brown eyes wandered around the room "fireworks?! It wasnt more than a burning spark!", "There is no firework yet", "damn Weasley, I have 20 points lost because of a not so real a firework? ", I tiredly pressed my temples. To my surprise, Fred laughed loud and put a few more beans in his mouth. "I'm Fred..", he winked at me "..and what did you say your name was?" Actually, I'm  forbidden to deal with people like the Weasleys, because they were blood traitors. However, it was so easy to feel comfortable with Fred "I didnt say it" at that moment Professor Flitwick came in and told us that our punishment was over for today. Quickly I jumped up and scuttled to the Slytherin sector so that there was no chance to be seen with Fred Weasley.
In the common room of the Slytherin turned out that no one seem to notice me or even to look at me, the community had decided to be mad at me because of my misstep. I had otherwise perfect notes but this did not seem to interest! Enraged I grabbed Nancy Edwards arm and pulled her aside, she tried angrily to shake off my hand. "What the hell Nancy are you doing?", "Damn (Y / N), what did you do, it was just a bunch of stupid blood traitors, you sacrifice 20 points, you're shameful," she spat. So it will the next weeks run, everyone hates me and marginalized me. Fine. I could live with that. Malfoy suddenly appeared behind me and grabbed my hip, pulling us to the sofa. He nudged me so that I was sitting on his lap, it was unbelievably unpleasant, Malfoy was just annoying, but the comfort it brought with it was not (respect), normally the Shlyterin would punish me with curses or worse, but I was Draco's right now. He wrapped his long arms around me and kissed the back of my neck, a shiver went down my spine, it wasn't from joy, rather disgust. His fingers pressed against my thigh, I could feel his excitement poking my back "you were really naughty, weren't you?", he whisper. I sat there unable to move a muscle, I know just to well what would happen if I reject Draco.
The days went by and the twins grew to my heart, it was only 2 hours after class but I learned a lot about the Weasley family. They were an incredibly warmhearted family, who had very little self-possession but still gave everything for family and friends. I even recognized the slight differences between the twins, the facial features were different, when they laughed about something, George's mouth twisted slightly to the right. On the other hand, I had so much awful pressure from my house, since I was detained with Fred, Draco hardly seemed to leave my side, he wanted to know if I could spot any weaknesses in Harry Potter, etc. The worst thing of all was though other Slytherin students near me, I had to pretend that I did not know or like Fred ... it broke my heart but I was too coward to show the true.
On the Thursday, between the last two hours, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Nancy, and I met the twins in tow with Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger in the middle of the hallway. "Who do we have there, Potter and his gang of Disables," mocked Draco. The two began to fought, I desperately wanted to vanish, Freds face was almost as red as hair, he was so angry. "Oh shut up, Malfoy," George shouted and came near us, pulled back by Fred on his cloak. "Oh pathetic Potter, can't you fight for yourself? Need to send your ravaged soldiers huh? next time Weaselbee if you attack one of us I have (Y / N)  already shown how to curse you a sweet little.. Avada Kedavra", hissed Draco with a cold smile to Fred and George. I felt as if the ground under my feet would be pulled away, the twins now turned their eyes to me, I could see the pain and anger in their eyes, I could not answer, my tongue was made of lead ... as Draco noticed that I did't say anything, he put his arm around my shoulders and said loudly so that everyone could hear "Come on (Y / N)I could't longer stand the stank of scum!", he buried his face in my Hair, my breath hitched, I caught the expression on Fred's face, the anger and the pain were clear. My heart been ripped apart, I need to make a huge Decision.
I never been so scared about the detention like today. With a pounding heart, I looked at the dusty cups, I heard footsteps and waited tensely, the minutes passed and nothing came to my ears. Slowly I turned around, Fred was standing with his back to me at the other end of the room, vigorously polishing the trophies.
"Cursed, you remember?" I tried to lighten up the mood, Fred remained in his motion. He toked  a deep breath, Fred stroked his hair behind his right ear, you could clearly see the red of his ears. He was angry.
Fred spooned around and walked up to me, his usually happy face twisted with rage, my heart sank. "Am I not embarrassing you anymore?! now that no one is watching ?! "," No, its not like that", my voice broke. He ruffled his red hair and walked a few steps away, the hurt expression was back  on his face "you know I started liking you, but I did't know you were Draco Malfoys dog" my Mind went blank. What the Hell did he say?! What a Wanker, I stormed off and pierced my index finger into his chest "I AM NO ONES DOG!", I shouted "then don't behave like some, kicked mutt" Our faces were now only inches away from each other. Before I knew it, our lips crashed, his lips were surprisingly soft, something fired up between us. I gasped at his lips which he used as an opportunity to slide in his tongue, our tongues fought for dominance. Hands explored each other, it was like a rush! Our ties flung through the room, with impatient fingers the buttons of our blouses were opened, he groan as I bit lustfully his lip.
Just in the moment the Wind blew one of the Windows shut with a loud Bang. Panting hard, we drove apart and stared at each other, what the hell happened. Trembling, I buttoned my blouse  and tried to suppress the blush which rose up my cheeks, with a small plop, the trophies were suddenly flawless, I wanted to run away, stopped at a display case and watched the dazzling metal. "Cursed" I sighed and ran out of the room.
A storm raged inside me, I looked at my reflection in the girls bathroom, my cheeks were flushed and my lips swollen, but this sparkle in my (Y / E) could not to be overlooked. I touched my lips and a big smile spread across them, could it be ...? Could it be that I catched feelings for Fred Weasley ?! Yeah my dumbass went wild for him.
The next few days I spent avoiding Malfoy and the twins, the hardest was the Lessons, especially Prof. Sprout's. The greenhouses were small we had to stand close together, Fred and George were separated by Sprout, which did not stop them from playing tricks but communication was harder. Fred stood opposite me at the table, George was next to me. I had told George everything about my plans to isolate myself from Draco and actually from my house that I do not represent all the values and that I am definitely different. Amazingly, George boxed my shoulder laughing and forgave me.
Sprout just told us something about fertilizing a Venemosa tentacula, she liked this plant and sadly told us the same thing almost every hour, the morning sun shone through the greenhouse, Fred on the other side of the table were bathed in the Sun. I watched as his red hair shone, the sun caressed his features. As his brown eyes tried to figure out what mischief you could do with the plant, a soft smile spread across my face, but my smile cramped as Angelina Johnson bowed and whispered something in Freds ear, they both began to laugh. "Starring is rude", whispered George from behind me in my ear so no one could hear it "to disturb the lessons with laughter is rude," I replied snappily and tried to ignore my cramped heart "of course ... which fertilizer is used now?", I turned around and glared at George, he had put on a challenging grin" oh Georgie if you had paid attention, you would know", I turned quickly again and could still hear his stifled laugh, Fred looked up and tilted his head slightly. His eyes roaming me and something grew hot between my legs.
After the lesson, Fred caught us "Oi Georgie! Lee told me the squid was spotted again, let's go and tap the ink!" George gave a dramatic squeak "Freddie did that mean ..." "squid wrestling!" Both shouted in sync. I snorted loudly "ya kidding!" George stooped down to me (they were almost two heads taller) and wiggle mischievously with his eyebrows "there is only one way to find it out", "you come with us", Fred put his arms around my and his brothers Shoulders, with a slight push we went off to the lake.
Down at the lake, Lee waited impatiently, eyeing me suspiciously (it had been the boy with Fred's wand) but was told by Fred and George that it was "okay" when I was there. I sat down in the grass and rolled up my sweater, it was getting really warm at Hogwarts. Laughing with tears, I watched the 3 fought with the red squid, which was not willing to give them any ink "Ha-ha!", Lee cheered and held up a bottle of ink in the air, unfortunately he let go of the tentacle. It shot away  under him and gave Lee a juicy clap on his chest, Lee was thrown to the floor, the bottle still unbroken in his hand. The twins fared almost as badly, the animal wrapped his tentacles at the hips of them both and threw them into the water. With a hiss, the octopus sank into the depths of the lake, spitting out water and wringing clothes, the twins came back, sighing, the two settled down next to me, "Victory" Lee coughed dully. "And for that all the effort?" I asked in disbelief, summoning a drought spell to pull the water out of Fred and George's clothes. "Thank you," they both said, "this ink is magical, it disappears when it dries, and it re-emerges when you wet the parchment," Lee said.
he boys seemed to be dozing in the spring sun, but I was getting increasingly restless "Fred ... hey Fred, we miss so much teaching," I whispered to him wailing, he made only a groaning loud, I slid on my knees, leaned over him and tickled his nose with my hair, he opened his eyes and leaned on his elbows. We were so close together that I could feel his breath on my skin "relax (Y / N)", Fred whispered and stroked my more and more blushing cheeks . The sparks that seemed to spray between us were like an electric charge, it was like an irresistible urge to touch him, to be close to him. "Rictusempra!", The tickle charm hit me with full force and I went laughing to the ground. "Maybe she'll relax now" George said with a shrug.
The months passed, I had managed to tell Draco that we were no longer "one thing", to my astonishment he did not really care, my ego was slightly hurt. Draco would kill me if he knew the Reason behind our "breakup". Nothing went back or forth between Fred and me, we secretly stole kisses or flirted when no one was listening, but not more.
××× Review
I hurried to Magic history, no one had woken me from my house today, I had fallen out of favor when it was over with Malfoy. The old wooden door was almost reached when a warm hand grabbed my wrist and pulled me with it. Fred ran around the corner with me. "Freddie the lesson," I whispered, without saying anything, he pressed his lips to mine, it was a tender kiss, his lips brushed softly over mine and down to my jaw further down to my neck, where he placed sweet kisses,a shiver went down my spine and made him smile on my neck.
×
It was scorching warm in the greenhouse at the end of September, Prof. Sprout was just talking about the offspring of Dianthus Herbs, it was a Mediterranean plant and needed extra warmth. Fred stood with George in the row behind me and whispered, my classmates leaned forward curiously and it was uncomfortably tight, suddenly someone stroked my butt! I jumped, nearly gave Fred a head-butt with my skull, his chest was pressed against my back "you could not have put on any tighter pants, do you? you're driving me crazy," he hissed in my ear. I blushed brightly and started giggling "oh please, it's hot enough in here you don't have to make it worse," George groaned and pulled us apart, we all had to laugh out loud, we were separated from Sprout with an angry look.
×
After a heated Snogging session we sat for some time in an abandoned classroom and talked about Merlin and the world, but this time it was something else. "(Y / N) please don't let us interpret too much here, I like you very much and our games sweeten my day, I don't want that to change at the moment", that was a big slap in the face for me "haha yeah sure I'm not ready for a relationship, either, "I lied. That evening, I cried myself to sleep.
××× presence
In a few weeks was the Yule ball and so far no one had asked me out, well of course somebody has but not the person I really wanted to go with. It was not strange that I was sitting in the Gryffindor common room, one evening we were just relaxing in front of the fire when Ron addressed the ball topic.
"Who are you all going to the ball with? I wanted to ask Hermione,"
"Pff probably Angelina, she always says yes," Fred said and shrugged. Wtf ?!
I stiffened on the couch, everything around me became dull. "Haha Easy Angelina," joked Ron. I barely heard them, my eyes started to burn and I had to ran quickly out of here before the boys saw my tears, I suddenly straightened up and spurted to the portrait.
Just as I was about to leave, Hermione came to meet us, frightened I tried to avoided her and but just in the moment my tears began to fall, Hermioness eyes widened and she wanted to say something but I took the opportunity and push her aside
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