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sluttywonwoo · 3 months

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instead of you [part forty] || l.mh

pairing: [best friend’s brother] lee minho x college!reader ft. han jisung

summary: you didn’t expect to spend your summer pretending to be your best friend’s girlfriend- then again, you didn’t expect to fall for your best friend’s brother, either.

warnings: swearing, alcohol, mentions of sex (18+ ; mdni)

word count: 3.4k

a/n: revamped my tom holland series from my main blog ( @wazzupmrstark ) to try and motivate myself to finish it!!

That night, you turned Jisung’s words over in your mind over and over again. He was wrong, you were convinced. You would love him the same no matter what. No matter if he asked you to end things with Minho or not. You told him as much but he didn’t seem to believe you.

You went back to your room shortly after your talk. You had walked a little more, stopped for dessert at a little shaved ice stand on the beach, and then turned back. Jisung showered first, then you, but only after going over your agreement again. What you did with Minho was your business, but it had to be kept a secret. You were still Jisung’s girlfriend for the duration of the trip. It was mainly about his parents anyway. Jisung hadn’t explicitly told you why having a girlfriend was so important to him but after spending so much time with his family you could guess why.

The next day, everyone piled into the cars and took the forty-minute drive back to Honolulu where you’d landed. Traffic was awful. You knew it took everything in Minho not to honk at the cars in front of him. You could see his knuckles turning white around the steering wheel from the back seat.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” he cursed as another F-150 cut him off.

You and Jisung traded looks but neither of you dared to say anything out loud. Even Felix’s grip on the armrest tightened when Minho swerved into the next lane to speed past the truck.

“We’re not in a rush,” you reminded him. You wanted to touch his arm, reassure him somehow, but you couldn’t.

“Yeah, Mom and Dad are way behind us now.”

“It’s not about speed,” he muttered. You weren’t really convinced about the speed thing. “It’s about the principle. These assholes shouldn’t be able to get away with driving like maniacs.”

“And what are you doing right now?” Jisung asked carefully.

His twin brother turned around in his seat to give him a warning look but to everyone’s surprise, Minho took a deep breath and actually stepped on the brakes. He only slowed down a little bit, less than five mph, but it was better than nothing.

“Sorry, I’m just so used to being late all the time.”

“We know,” Felix joked.

“You should see my girlfriend drive,” your best friend joked.

“Please, I passed my driver’s test on the first try,” you scoffed, making eye contact with Minho in the rearview mirror.

He shook his head at you and mouthed low blow. Next to you, Jisung was also shaking his head.

“Yeah, and I want to talk to whoever passed you because there’s no way they weren’t under the influence of something.”

“You’re in the fast lane to never getting a ride from me again,” you muttered.

Jisung raised his hands in surrender.

“Apologize,” Felix demanded, cutting in on your behalf.

“Yeah, apologize to me,” you agreed.

Jisung sighed and turned his full body toward you, taking both of your hands in his. “I’m sorry, my love. Please forgive me.”

You rolled your eyes. “Whatever.”

Jisung turned back toward his brothers. “I think I’m in the clear, guys.”

You smacked the back of his head.

The first stop in Waikiki was the ABC store. There was one on almost every block so you stopped at the first one you saw to buy snacks and drinks for the beach.

“How many musubis do you want?” you asked Minho, who was in charge of alcohol.

“How many are you getting?” he asked back with a grin.

He looked ridiculous with his arms full of beer, smirking at you like that.

“Two,” you said flatly.

“I’ll get two as well.”

You asked the others how many they wanted and raided the mini warmer for them before dumping them at the checkout counter with the rest of what the boys picked out. Dom paid and had the four of you take the bags back to the cars.

The next step was to find parking somewhere on the streets that were within walking distance to the beach. You had to split up from Jisung’s parents to do so because there was no way you were going to be able to find two open parking spots on the same road.

Once Minho parked, put money in the meter, and double-checked that the car was locked, the four of you slowly but surely made your way down to the shore where you met up with Nikki and Dom who had already picked out a spot in the sand.

You had never seen a beach so crowded before. There were people everywhere. And all of the available space was being taken up by beach chairs and umbrellas that you had to rent from one of the several stands stationed behind them. Some of the different colored umbrellas even overlapped with each other in an apparent turf war. You could only imagine what conversations between the rival attendants must be like.

The beach was still beautiful, of course. You were in Hawai’i. Any beach here was going to be breathtaking. Waikiki Beach attracted so many tourists because of its beauty.

“We rented four chairs,” Dom explained. “We figured not all of us would be sitting over here at once so we wouldn’t need six.”

Jisung nodded in understanding.

“Are you going to surf?” you asked.

“Probably,” he answered, looking over to his brothers. “I assume you won’t be?”

“I think I’ll sit this one out.”

You turned your foot over to look at your toe. Even though all of the sea urchin spines had dissolved, the marks from the injury were still fading. You couldn’t see yourself back on a board any time soon.

You were content to lay out in the sun with your book until Jisung wanted to wade in the water.

The boys left to rent surfboards and their parents headed in the opposite direction for a walk along the beach, leaving you alone with all of the stuff. You joked to Nikki and Dom that you would protect it with your life but in reality, you would hand it over if someone so much as looked at you threateningly.

You went to dig your book out from Jisung’s backpack but accidentally grabbed his instead. It was the one you had already read and annotated for him. Out of curiosity, you opened to where he left off to see what part he was at and were surprised to see his handwriting scrawled in the margins of the most recent page.

He hadn’t stopped annotating it. Even after everything, even when he was simmering with anger, he was still writing you little notes and responding to the ones you had left. You weren’t supposed to read them before he was done so you quickly closed it back and shoved it into the bag again before retrieving the book that was actually yours.

You took a brief look back up at the water to see how the boys were doing but there were so many surfers that it was hard to pick them out.

“Which one’s yours?”

The voice beside you startled you, making you jump a little before you realized someone had taken the seat next to you.

You weren’t sure where she had come from but a girl who looked to be about your age was perched on one of the chairs the Hans had reserved. She was pretty, really pretty. Head full of curls and freckles dusted across her cheeks. The tangerine-colored bikini she was wearing looked amazing against her skin and you weren’t sure whether you were more jealous of her or attracted to her.

“Huh?” you asked.

“Which one’s yours?” she repeated.

“Oh.” You squinted at the waves, trying to zero in on Jisung. “Uh, blue wetsuit in the group of three off to the side.”

The girl followed your gaze and nodded when she found him. “They just got out there, right?”

“Yeah, we only got here a few minutes ago.” You noticed the camera dangling around and realized she must be out there for someone too. “Um, which one is yours?”

“Long hair, kind of far out. He’s in the big cluster of surfers in the swell.”

Her boyfriend was easy to spot. He was paddling in the direction of an upcoming wave.

“Do you guys come out here often?” you asked.

She nodded, curls bouncing. “David’s lived in Kaneohe like all his life, which is like fifteen minutes from here so it’s super convenient. The North Shore isn’t as crowded but the waves are practically nonexistent in the summer,” she explained. “What about you guys?”

“We’re on vacation.” You were embarrassed to admit that but it wasn’t like you could lie. You didn’t know the island at all. You also didn’t want to risk mentioning that it hadn’t been your choice to come here and offend her if she thought you were implying that her home state was the worst or something.

“Oh, how fun!” she exclaimed. Ok, well that was a positive reaction at least.

“My boyfriend’s family was nice enough to invite me along,” you added, wanting at the very least to establish that it hadn’t been your idea.

“Holy shit, that is nice of them.”

“I know,” you agreed.

“Well, while you’re here you should definitely check out the Pillbox hike. It’s a little brutal if you aren’t used to hiking uphill but the views are totally worth it.”

“I’ll be sure to mention it to him! We have a free day tomorrow so maybe we’ll do that, thank you.”

You would not be going on the hike. You hated hiking and heights but you would still mention it to Jisung in case the boys wanted to go.

She smiled but then something out of the corner of her eye caught her attention and she was standing up to leave.

“Sorry, I promised my boyfriend that I would get some shots of him today and he’ll be pissed if I miss these waves.”

She threw you a wave over her shoulder as she jogged off. You waved back, calling out that it was nice to meet her. You never got her name.

You only managed to get through a couple of pages of your book before another person approached your chairs. This time, it was Jisung. He had come up to check on you.

“Make a new friend?” he asked as he shook water out of his hair like a dog.

“Oh yeah, did you see that girl talking to me?”

“Thought she might be trying to put the moves on you.”

“Oh my god, how many times do I have to tell you I’m not Bella Swan? Not everyone who talks to me is into me.”

“She was your type, though.”

“You say that about all girls.”

“Because that’s your type.”

You rolled your eyes at your best friend. “Either way, she wasn’t interested. She has a boyfriend. She was just asking me if I had a partner out there too.”

“That doesn’t mean she didn’t think you were cute,” he pointed out.

“You’re so annoying,” you groaned. “I don’t need a wingman anymore.”

He made a face. “That’s right, you’re fucking my brother,” he said, sounding disgusted. You couldn’t blame him.

“Do you have to announce that to the entire beach? I’m supposed to be your girlfriend, remember?”

Jisung shrugged and plopped himself down on the chair next to yours. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to get it out of his eyes. Because it was wet, it had taken on a mind of its own. You had witnessed Jisung try to tame his hair after a shower on several occasions. It usually ended with him just waiting for it to dry so that he could style it and then making you late to wherever you were supposed to be going.

“Are you going to go back out there?” you asked.

“Probably. Wanna join?”

“Very funny.”

“I was being serious.”

“Oh. Well, no thanks.”

“I figured but I just wanted to make sure.”

“You’re sweet.”

The boys surfed for a couple of hours before coming in to eat the musubis and snacks you bought earlier. Their parents returned around the same time and you all ate together.

Afterward, Jisung offered to wade around in the shallow water at the edge of the beach with you.

“You have to get in,” he insisted. “It’ll cool you down.”

“Okay,” you agreed.

You didn’t need any more convincing. You had wanted to get in anyway.

“Lix, Minho, do you want to come with us?” Jisung asked.

They looked at each other and shrugged. “Sure.”

The four of you wove through the sea of beach chairs down to the shore where the remnants of bigger waves lapped at the sand. The water was crystal clear, apart from the frothy white foam atop the waves. It fizzled against the hot sand when the waves crashed against the beach, lingering still even when the water subsided.

There were several groups of people in the ocean as well but it was less crowded than the beach. Families with small children were gathered right by the shore, the parents mingling with each other as the kids played with wet sand and beach toys. You wished you could remember what it was like to be that young. To meet a stranger and be best friends in the blink of an eye.

There were less and less people the further out from the shore you got. Fathers teaching older kids how to boogie board, teenagers jumping in the waves as they gossiped with each other.

You weren’t sure how long you spent in the water but before long, Nikki and Dom were waving from the beach to get your attention.

“They’re either saying it’s time to go, or they’re ditching us,” Jisung said, squinting and making a ‘what?’ gesture with his shoulders.

“It’s really a fifty-fifty shot,” Felix added.

“I think they want us to come in,” Minho guessed.

Minho was proven right mere seconds later when Dom beckoned you to join them.

The latter half of the day was spent walking around the city. Being the center of tourism on the island meant Waikiki had a lot of shopping. You had never seen so many high-end stores in one place before. You did some window shopping while the Hans did some shopping shopping. Practically everything in every single shop was out of your price range. You weren’t expecting otherwise but seeing the numbers on the backs of the price tags still hurt your heart.

You could tell a few of the sales associates recognized Minho from the way their eyes would get big when they saw him. They’d lean over and whisper to each other behind his back. Even though he couldn’t hear them you knew he knew it was happening. It made you feel kind of bad for him. Kind of.

You ate dinner at some restaurant attached to the lobby of a hotel. It was on the water, which was nice, but it was just as crowded as the beach had been. The poor servers were so swamped that it took over an hour to get your food. No one minded, of course, but by the time Minho laid his credit card on top of the bill it was dark outside.

“Do you remember where we parked?” Minho asked you as you

“Yeah, but I don’t know how to get there from where we are right now.”

“So you don’t remember where we parked.”

“No, I remember where we parked. But we’ve walked around so much that I don’t know how to get there.”

Minho shook his head at you. “You should always pay attention to where you’re going. It can be dangerous if you don’t know where you are.”

“Why should I? That’s what I have you guys for.”

“What if we weren’t here?”

“There’s a parked car option on my GPS.”

“What if your phone was dead?”

“What is wrong with you?”

“I just want you to be safe!”

You didn’t want to hear any more. “Jisung, your brother is being an asshole!”

Your best friend, who had been walking alongside Felix, jogged up to meet you when you called for him.

“What’d he do?”

“I was just trying to-”

“I didn’t ask you,” Jisung cut in, glaring at Minho.

“He’s giving me a hard time because I don’t know how to get back to the car from here,” you explained.

“We can just use the GPS app,” Jisung said.

You turned to Minho with a smug grin. “See?”

“I can’t believe you told on me,” he muttered under his breath.

“Get used to it,” you hummed.

The last day on Oahu was a free day. You told Jisung about the pillbox hike that the girl from the beach had suggested and he woke up early to do it with Felix and Minho. He came back raving about it and showed you a bunch of pictures that made you feel a little sick to your stomach because of how high it looked.

“Thank god I didn’t go with you guys,” you sighed. “I’d be freaking out even if I stayed at the bottom, just thinking about you up there. There aren’t any handrails or guards to keep you from falling-”

“We were fine,” he assured you. “I didn’t even show you the pictures of us on top of the box.”

“You climbed it?”

“I mean, we’d already climbed the mountain. What’s a little concrete box? Everyone else was doing it.”

You held a hand to your heart like a scandalized middle-aged woman. “I don’t think I want to know anything else.”

Jisung took one look at you and laughed. “That’s probably for the best.”

You did some pre-packing at the hotel before joining his brothers to do some exploring. Like Jisung, they had showered after their hiking expedition. All three of them were sporting still-wet hair that was dripping onto their shirts like kids sitting in church service after their baptism.

You walked around the resort first, checking out all of the pools and hot tubs for later that night. Jisung told his parents that he’d cook for the family and he’d dragged Felix and Minho with him to get groceries earlier. Apparently, Minho said he would help grill while Jisung made some of the side dishes upstairs. You were interested to see how that would turn out. You didn’t have to wait long to find out.

You walked by the lagoons next, slipping into the resorts along the shore to scope them out. You were surprised to see that some of them were nicer than the one you were staying at. You assumed the Hans had chosen whatever the best money could buy was but maybe they were a more financially conscious family than you’d thought.

“This is the Disney hotel,” Minho whispered in your ear as you passed one of the pools. “It’s crazy expensive to stay here for just a night. Like a standard room is over six hundred dollars.”

“Are you serious?”

“Unfortunately. I mean, we probably could have gotten a discount but someone would have to pull a lot of strings and then a handful of people would know exactly where I’m going to be and when and we would have had to hire security... it was just easier to book somewhere else.”

“Isn’t it kind of dangerous to be walking around here in the open then?”

Minho shrugged. “I like to live life on the edge.”

You snorted. “Clearly.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Ji showed me the pictures from your hike earlier.”

His eyes widened. “He did?”

“Uh huh.”

“Shit.”

“You know, I could point out how hypocritical it is to lecture me about safety one day and then do shit like that the next, but I won’t.”

“You’re the one that told us about the hike!”

You ignored him. “Does your agent know you were climbing mountains this morning?”

He narrowed his eyes at you and leaned closer to your face. “No, and she never will.”

“You seem pretty sure of that...”

“You don’t have her number,” Minho said like he was trying to reassure himself rather than call your bluff.

“Not yet, I don’t.”

“Is that a threat?”

“It’s a promise.”

He gulped. “Why do I get the feeling that we’re not talking about my agent anymore?”

lmk what you think i always appreciate feedback!!

#instead of you stray kids #instead of you skz #iou stray kids #iou skz #stray kids x reader #stray kids x female reader #skz x reader #lee know x reader #lee know x female reader #lee know x bi!reader #lee know series #stray kids series #skz series

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fizzingwizard · 1 year

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Randomly visited reddit and saw this:

My first thought: it's an incel pretending to be a woman, because what modern woman thinks she's spoiled milk a 30??? (Aside from also trashing her girl friends - girl, get better friends!) But their profile doesn't seem weird in any way, so, I guess there are some people out there who really somehow believe youth ends at 29. Even some who have aged past it.

It's not even true that all 30 year olds are less beautiful than they were at 20. People age in different ways at at different rates: yeah, your likelihood of getting wrinkles and gray hairs is only ever going to go up. But some people don't have their style figured out in their twenties - some people turn thirty and freaking bloom. And you can't call that a late bloomer. 40 isn't a late bloomer either! 20 is nice but it's not the heaven on earth it's cracked up to be, and 30 is just getting started.

Idk about the rest of you but you know those posts about how embarrassing it is to look back on 14? Yeah, related to those when I was 20. Now I've passed the big 3-0, and guess what - I think 20 year old me was so silly lol. So insecure, so afraid to make mistakes, so resistant to change. I enjoyed my twenties, but my early thirties have so far been way better: I'm more confident, less self-involved, and I find happiness so much more easily than I did back when I thought everything I did had to matter So Damn Much. And if you think that doesn't relate to being attractive: confidence is 90% of it. Just walk up and smile. A confident, happy person always attracts others even if they're just average-looking.

Also for people who like men, don't forget: men in their 30s usually aren't quite the energizer bunnies they were in their 20s when it comes to ~sexy times~ The 20-year-old stud who insisted he could go for a roll multiple times a day, every day, is probably much less gung ho at 30. And also more forward-thinking, and less amaaaaazed by omg boobies!!! When you're young, half the excitement is just how new everything is. It gets less intense, thank goodness. (But it's still hot!)

This post just totally rubbed me the wrong way. It read as a still young woman anxiously wringing her hands in apology for having the audacity to be single at... 30?? And apparently not trusting women to have good advice about dating at 30 (so no point in me responding to her, lol), but perfectly comfortable kissing up to incel mindsets such as "women past 25 should accept that they're sloppy seconds" etc. "Value as a partner" do you have intrinsic worth as a human being?? Yes??? Then your value does NOT degrade. Yeah, you might have gray hair, the horror, so unsexy (I've had very visible grays since I was 23 and been dyeing since 26 lmao). Doesn't mean you're less hot than some 20 year old who doesn't know what she's doing. Doesn't mean it'll be at all hard to find a partner who will love you warts and all. Do you have this same expectation of men? Are you gonna start dating a 30 year old dude and then complain that he gets tired more quickly than a 20 year old would?? Is he less sexy just because he doesn't party all night and drink twice his weight without effect? Overrated overrated overrated!

My parents divorced in their 60s. My mom's got a new boyfriend who takes her dancing under the full moon. They're living their best lives way past their so-called "prime" and no, that is not rare - it's just a choice. If you view yourself as having some expiration date, you're not gonna do anything to improve your happiness once you're past it. Don't let incels or misogyny or whatever convince you your perfectly wholesome milk has gone bad, because that is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

ETA: Well, while I was working this got 150 notes, and although that's barely a drop in the bucket, it's still a lot more than my rants usually get (about 2 lol). So I just want to clarify a couple things so I stop getting comments about them.

This post was from the askmen subreddit. I left that out, feeling "reddit" was context enough, but I guess the implications may not have been obvious, especially to tumblr users who don't also use reddit. Askmen isn't a horrible place (a number of the responders pointed out why they prefer older women to younger ones), but many of its members have a pretty incel-adjacent vibe. Plus there are a number of women (real or not) who post there, many of whom have a similar brown-nosey "unlike those radical feminists, I'm a woman who knows her place" attitude.

It's fine to suggest the OP may have internalized misogyny from being abused - but it's not a given, as nothing in the post is a definite indication of abuse by itself. Big kudos for the compassion - just keep in mind that my response was about general attitudes towards dating post-twenties and not about abuse victims.

To the person who thinks a relationship of six years makes a difference somehow?: You seem to have interpreted my post as an attack on people who feel insecure about returning to dating after a breakup. But I think it's clearly nothing to do with that. Of course it is natural to have anxieties about being single after so long, but nowhere in this post was that denied or mocked. Whether you've been together one year or six, this post would always be weird - those natural anxieties don't make misogynistic mindsets about decrepit 30-year-old women any less gross. If you had decided to write a reaction to the OP's post, perhaps you would have chosen to center it on the effects of coming off a long term relationship, and I'm sure it'd be insightful. However, I am not you, and I chose to react to the attitudes around aging in relationships reflected in the post.

#rant

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enchxanting · 1 year

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our love is god [ethan landry]

read part 2 here || all parts

pairing: ethan landry x fem!reader

warnings: nothing yet but this fic is heathers-inspired, so be warned for the future.

author's note: hi guys, long time lurker first time poster. this is my first time WRITING fic so feel free to leave any critique. also i don't know if i did the cut right lol i have a lot planned and hope you like!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Diary,

I should’ve never let Mindy convince me to start this operation.

Sure, it’s nice to have a steady cash flow, but nothing is more aggravating than everyone and their mother asking for doctor’s notes, report cards, prescriptions, and absence notes when I’m just trying to make it to fourth-period math. When I was ten, I expected to use my Nancy-Drew-inspired skills to unearth hidden staircases or find whistling statues, not help someone’s checked-out mom get a Xanax.

Yet I forged three (3) permission slips today. Why? Because, next to mysteries, I love the sweet smell of cash in the morning. Yesterday, I added $150 to the rainy day fund. Hopefully, when the weather’s right, I'll be inspired to buy a car and ditch Woodsboro. This town is fucked, alright. Just ask Chad, Mindy, Sam, or–

“Tara! Jesus Christ!” I rub my leg where her sneaker connected. “What’s your damage?”

“Are you done, Shakespeare? You said you’d get lunch with me like, fifteen minutes ago.”

Tara isn’t so great with patience. But, again, I am not so great at keeping track of time. “Yeah, whatever,” I say. “Let’s go see what they’ve cooked up for us today.”

I follow her through the winding path of tables, chairs, and teenage bodies. As we go, I collect bills from outstretched hands and replace them with papers of varying sizes. Tara turns to smirk at me. “What was the event this time?”

“Oh, you know. It’s report card season, and this school is not known for its stellar GPAs.”

“We just have you to thank for keeping it floating below a 3.0,” she teases. “Tell me, Y/N. Does all that extra brainpower of yours get used up matching the way people dot their i’s and cross their t’s?”

I roll my eyes at her. “Sure, Tara. Let’s just get some lunch. I’m seriously starving.”

We grab trays and join the line, aimlessly chattering about the day. Tara’s been my friend since the beginning of the year when I was the only new kid in a town struck by tragedy. We were the only new buyers in Woodsboro over the summer. The rest are still empty, the memory of last year’s Ghostface attacks having driven out long-time residents.

What’s surprising, though, is that the so-called “Woodsboro Four” are still here. Sure, Sam, Tara, Mindy, and Chad mostly stick together, but despite the terrible tragedy that they witnessed, they let me and Annika, Mindy’s current girlfriend, into their lives. I could never measure up to that. I’m just glad they want to be my friend.

I’m taken out of my musings on friendship when I feel someone’s eyes on my back. Without turning around, I recite my usual speech. “$5 for report cards, $10 for prescriptions and absence notes, and an extra $5 for rush fees.”

“Woah, um, tempting, but I’m not looking for any forgery.”

Confused, I turn around to put a face to an unfamiliar voice. The guy’s tall, almost as tall as Chad, with curly brown hair and brown eyes that widen when I meet them. “Sorry, I was just going to get my lunch, but you dropped some cash back here.”

For some reason, my voice is not working. All I can do is look up at him, suddenly captivated by how shy he seems to be. When I pause for a few moments too long, Tara reaches around and takes the money from his hand. “Uh, thanks. I’m sure my friend here appreciates it. Usually she’s more talkative.”

“Oh, god, yeah, sorry,” I finally get out, stumbling over my words. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” Suddenly, I think he remembers to be bashful and walks away without another word.

When he’s gone, Tara laughs. “God, Y/N, drool much? I’ve never seen you like that before.”

I flush red. “Whatever, Tara, you’re the worst.” I give her a playful shove and walk off to buy my lunch. I hand the money to the cashier, but all I can think about are those big, brown eyes, and I know I’m fucked.

#ethan landry #ethan landry x y/n #ethan landry x reader #scream 6 #scream 2023 #jack champion #heathers #heathers au #high school au #ethan landry fanfiction

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hopeless-weakness · 2 years

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2022 Books I’ve Read

131/150

Intentional Acts of Kindness by Drea Braddock

(I received an ARC for this book)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Trigger Warnings include:

domestic violence, rape, ptsd, grief, cancer

I don’t know what I did to get to be in a world where Ivy Hughes is kissing me, but I hope nothing changes.

Ivy grabbed a hold of my heart the moment she placed the coffee in Miles’ hands. And I was instantly protective of her. And then Miles took a piece of my heart as soon as we got his POV. By chapter 3 I knew I needed more. And more would never be enough. There’s a connection between them from the first touch. Their eyes always finding each other, bodies like magnets. The universe never allowing them to be apart. They were meant to find each other, help each other, hold each other. I’m convinced Miles is Jess Mariano in an alternate universe, and I decided that the moment Ivy described him. He has the weight of the world on his shoulders, and his selfless heart when it comes to Ivy definitely added to it! Their love story is just as heartbreaking as it is beautiful. Ivy may not have the weight of the world on her shoulders, but she is carrying around something really heavy. And the moment she finds the strength to tell Miles, because of the trust they share, that’s just not something I can put into words. They are both such beautiful souls. Two souls that were always meant to find each other. Every time Miles did something out of the kindness of his heart just because that’s who he is, I could cry. He has no idea what he is doing for Ivy, what that meant to her. To be this person effortlessly, without hesitation. I said “she’s so cute” out loud about Ivy a lot. And I said “aw Miles” an equal amount (maybe more). I definitely felt the urge to yell into a pillow about how sweet and thoughtful Miles was over and over again. The bond between Ivy and Miles’ sister in law was another favorite for me. Honestly, I loved everything about the three of them and Miles’ brother, and Ivy’s mom! Just perfection through and through. And their happily ever after? If that’s not what I get, I don’t want it. It’s definitely a heavy read. But every time a character consoles another character, it felt like they were consoling me, reassuring me that everything would be okay.

My Favorite Quotes:

• “If you can’t give her everything, don’t give her anything.”

• “I’m a mere mortal. I’d defy any man to resist the combination of those jeans and Ivy’s curves.”

• “You taste even better than I remember.”

• “Kissing you is about the only thing that occupies my thoughts lately.”

• “Be less sexy and I won’t be interested in ogling you.”

• “Sorry for the boob grazes. I mean, I’m not actually sorry at all. But I think that’s the sort of thing I’m supposed to apologize for.”

• “I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed waking up more.”

• “You’re too special for where things are headed. Not like this. Not here.”

• “You’re like…a goddess. Like you should be painted by Pierre Rutz.”

• “Do you see my eyes? They’re up here, looking at yours.”

• “I only want to see your body if you’re willingly showing it to me.”

• “That’s what you do to me.”

• “Will you put your hands on me? I want you touching me. Only you.”

• “I want to give you everything you need. Everything.”

• “It’s probably good that you don’t understand the power you have over me.”

• “Yes, I still want you. Now more than ever.”

• “Like we were always supposed to be together.”

• “For the record, guys like this. I like this.”

• “You’re part of me. I wanted you here, like you’re here.”

7/10 Dirty Birdy

6/10 Friends to Lovers

8/10 Slow Burn

8/10 Tearjerker Romance

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click here for my reading playlist! 🎧📖 click here for my reading playlist on spotify! 🎧📖

#book review #goodreads #booknerd #booklr #reading playlist #friends to lovers #advanced reader copy #arc #slow burn #tearjerker romance #tearjerker

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stellamusing · 30 days

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So my day has been. rough.

15 minutes late to a friend's birthday lunch due to external circumstances

realized most of the way there that my car had started making a weird noise

hour and a half of birthday lunch, which was lovely but also draining

trip back home, which took twice as long as it should have due to both traffic and having to pull over halfway to call my brother and ask if it was safe to keep driving with the weird noise my car was making

(many people have asked me to describe it. the best way I have found is "green line on the T, but quieter" which is. not a great sign.)

call car shop as soon as I get home. they're closed for the day

they have after hours drop off, so I drove my car there and filled out a form and dropped my key into a mailbox which was MUCH more distressing than I was anticipating

(nobody knows she's even THERE!!! they won't process her until monday morning!!! what if something happens to her!!!! what if my key envelope gets lost and they wind up losing her somewhere!!!!!!)

dad came to pick me up at the dealership and drove me back to my parent's house

they're having dinner with my brother and his fiance. my brother arrives with the takeout just after we get there. there's none for me bc nobody including myself was expecting me to be there.

watch star wars with my parents, which was nice and my dad and I tossed star wars trivia back and forth through the whole thing to the chagrin of my mom, but towards the end I get so restless that I'm fidgeting with my whole body

my dad lets me borrow my sister's car, since she's not home from college until next week

everything is in the wrong place, the seat is too high off the road bc she drives a hatchback (derogatory) and the headlights are manual not automatic

I get halfway down their street before realizing the tire pressure light is on

I turn back around and roust my father YET AGAIN so he can get his tire pressure gauge

tires are fixed, I go to leave my parents house AGAIN but then I realize my wallet is not in my pocket

(the last time I remember consciously noticing it, I was chipping in for lunch. I have been SO MANY PLACES since then)

talk myself into believing I left it at home and drive all the way home, anxious about my wallet and miserable about how different my sister's car is to drive

get home and it's not anywhere

panic

halfway convince myself that I'm gonna have to drive BACK to the dealership at 10pm in a car I hate to look for my wallet in or on the ground near my car

happen to look in the backpack I'd brought to my parent's house. wallet is in the front pocket

melt with relief

decide to shower to destress only to realize I haven't met my exercise goal for the week

(goal is very simple (150 mins of moderate exercise (walking on treadmill) a week) and only maintained by virtue of the year and a half long streak I've somehow maintained

drag myself to the treadmill in hopes that 30 minutes of waling will work out the anxious energy working through my body

doesn't really help

write this vent post

#I am. anxiety.#resisting the urge to text my sister all the ways her car is inferior to mine #resisting the urge to curl up in a ball and not move for three days #praying that between the treadmill and the shower that by the time I finally relax on the couch I will be completely wrung out of anxiety #today was so long and now I'm thinking about the inevitable future when I have to replace my car and having a crisis #augh

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positivementalaxolotl · 2 years

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A rant feel free to ignore

When your brother says you're "dangling money you owe him over his head" but it wasn't money you owed him it was money you offered him without any expectation of repayment back and he started trying to gaslight you and your mom into thinking you were name-calling him in the middle of the store.

All this while he currently actually owes you $700 because you were able to get his cat to the vet

And then when you point all of this out to him he says that he won't give you the cat that you're paying him for

All while him STILL owing you $700, plus soon to be $250 more for "searching fees" while the cat was out of the house for about a week. He wanted to do that to me while he was going to sell me the cat by charging me $150 for a cat he got for $50, without telling me all of the fee's he'd be including.

I get he needs money for his top surgery, but this is absolutely ridiculous, over-charging someone who's been so supportive of him and has backed him up in so many arguments with our family- I gave him most of the money I earned from my first job with the expectation that he'd pay me back despite the fact that I wanted to be able to spend my own money! I helped him get his first job over a year later, he's threatened not to pay me back at least twice since we made the agreement, he already screwed me over with my previous pet rats by convincing my mom and the rats previous owner that I was abusing them or neglecting them when that was the farthest from the truth.

But it genuinely was my fault. I should have trusted the person my brother bought the cat from more than him. By the way the person who owned the cat before was my drug addicted cousin who doesn't take care of animals and probably would have just left him here anyways for me to take care of. She was talking about selling him to me and I'm pretty sure she would have kept him at the house for me to "babysit" until I paid her the money directly. Would have only costed me $50.

I'm so sorry for this rant I just don't think I can talk about this with my friend because like- the last 3 times I've talked to them it was because I was having problems and needed to vent to them. I've been busy with work and I haven't had the time to talk otherwise because again, the cat got out and I was spending hours upon hours looking for him- I got chased by deer twice looking for this cat! Honestly $250 is going too easy on him with how he's been treating me but no one else in my family would agree with that- though none of them are happy with him either.

All of this because a different sibling asked you to wash something in with your brothers laundry (Which he was also having me do to try to get money off of the fee for the cat) and when you were about to he started flipping his shit because he simply "didn't feel comfortable with it". Like??? It's all going to be clean laundry by the end of it nothing is going to contaminate anything else because it'll all be clean laundry by the end of it- he seriously said it was because "He wasn't comfortable adding germs to his laundry before they were going to get clean and he didn't want whatever was on this siblings grubby hands all over his laundry"

If you got to this point I apologize again and thank you for listening. I've been so stressed lately with my new job, having been searching and worrying about this cat for a week and worrying about how to pay my brother back because he specifically wants the money before his top surgery to help pay for all the stuff he needs for it. Now he's complaining because there's a chance that I won't be able to pay him before that but I put up a gofundme to try to help get him the money he needs sooner. I've had people ask me about the what all the money was going for but I may need to let them all know that the gofundme is off because my brother is a pos

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gamma-gal-24 · 2 years

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hi gamma i hope you’re doing well!! i wanted to ask you what your goofsona is like, personality/interests/any headcanons about her or her relationship??? have a great day!!! 💖💖💖

SIDKDKFJD HEY JESTER!!!😁💖💓💗 I'M DOING WELL!! I've been sick the last few days, but I'm doing much better now!! Thank you so much for asking!! How are you??🤗

So, you wish to know about Stella?? Well, allow me to do my best to tell you all about her!😁💓

Stella is a 19yo girl working at a mom-n-pop style diner on the edge of the campus. She works her butt off there, serving and running the register 6-10 hours a day. That's where she meets both of her love interests. ^^ (more on them in a bit!)

Stella practically runs on coffee and hugs. She's very affectionate with the people she's comfortable around. Physical touch and acts of service are definitely major parts of her love language. 😊💕 She can't be all smiles all the time, though! Try as she may, there are certain people that just rub her the wrong way. And hanging around the Gammas as much as she does, those numbers are increasing.😅

As for relationship headcanons, I'll separate them by love interest! ^^ And just for context, they are not a poly couple! It's more of a... Separate universe sort of thing? If that makes sense? I hope it does. XD Anyways, here are some headcannons!

🖤BRADLEY🖤

- For Bradley and Stella, I definitely see them having a bit of a slower burn than Stella and Tank would. I picture Bradley originally picking her up as a quick fling, only to decide that he ACTUALLY enjoyed her company. After that, he'd find more excuses to slip away from the guys to go see her. Most of them were oblivious, but Tank and a few others eventually caught on. There were many a night he'd sneak out to go bother her, not realizing one of the guys were watching.

- Once they're more official, they end up having a lot of outdoor dates! He tries(and fails) to teach her to skateboard, and she drags him away to watch cartoons at the drive-in. They both always end up enjoying what the other person picks though, no matter how many bruises they obtain or how silly the attraction.^^

- To avoid having one person doing all the cooking during dates, Bradley put together a rotation system. He'll cook one night, Stella another, and the next they eat out/order take out! This system has kept them both from having to stress so much..

- And now for my favorite topic- CUDDLES! During cuddles, Bradley is fairly neutral. As expected, he really enjoys being the big spoon and getting as handy as Stella will allow him to be. However, there are some days he randomly decides to switch it up and go for the little spoon. That tends to be one of his favorite ways to calm down after a long day. <3

AND NOW FOR 🔥TANK🔥

- This goober legit took one look at that short little bimbo and said, "Yup... That's mine now. I want to be with this thing forever." AND THEN WENT AND DID IT.

- He low-key thought he was going to have to fight Max off to get her heart, when really, Max is just the leech that borrows her Netflix account. But Max wasn't about to tell HIM that. OH NO, Max had that poor baby CONVINCED he had competition and loved every second of the agony it caused him.

- Low-key, Bradley was making bets with the other Gammas to see if Tank and Stella would ACTUALLY get together... He ended up making $150 all together when they did. UwU

- Tank LOVES showing off how strong he is for her. He's ALWAYS lifting things, carrying things, opening that stubborn a** pickle jar she can never seem to open, all of it! His absolute FAVORITE way to show off though, is picking her up like the rag-doll she is. He can't get enough of the way she laughs when he holds her under his arm like a potato sack.

- They also tend to share a liking for some of the same kinds of music?? He'll never forget the absolute JAM SESSION they had after he caught her blaring Dragula by Rob Zombie in her room.

So yeah! That's all I can think of for now!! Thank you SO, SO much for the ask, Evie! I hope you're doing well! If you have any more questions or want any more details, feel free to ask! I thoroughly enjoyed this!! Anyhoo, I hope you have a LOVELY night, and and even better tomorrow! Take care my friend!! <333

#MAILTIMEEEEE!!!!#Asks from pals!<3 #I'll come back and add their ship names to the tags once I finally settle on them... X'D #selfship asks #Highkey been simping hard for Tank while I was sick so thank you for this Jester!! ^^ <3

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loxxxlay · 3 years

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Can we get the rest of the ball destroying story?

This is a very long and probably anticlimactic story about how I destroyed an attorney's metaphorical balls by not letting him get away with being a toxic pile of shit. I hope you enjoy.

So, the first thing you need to know is that my old boss (whom I will call M) is a real fucking asshole. 1, he voted for trump; 2, he's a creep; 3, most obnoxiously, he treated his previous lead paralegal like a freaking wife.... or actually worse than a wife really... like an object. like a trophy wife. When the lead paralegal left, he basically treated her like she was divorcing him, as if she was an object of his possession. And he was like "you'll NEVER have it better than you have here, and i'll never let you come back." (Funny story: i am one of 5 paralegals there who put in their 2 week notice during June, and they were so panicked that they called this exact former lead paralegal and asked her to come back. -_-)

Okay so anyway, let's cut the story back to about 2 months ago. I have been M's lead paralegal for about 8 months now since the previous one left, and I'm hating it. I'm actively job hunting because M is becoming toxic to me the same way he was to the last paralegal. I needed references, so I asked another attorney who also worked there to be my reference. We will call him T. So T is my favorite attorney. T is the first person I came out to as having a girlfriend at the firm, and he never once betrayed me. He is everything that M is not. He gives positive feedback like he gives out candy, but he's also honest and real in a way that not a lot of ppl are.

So anyway I secretly ask him to be a reference on my resume, and T is like "sure! but well funnily enough, I'm actually leaving the firm in 2 weeks. I can't ethically recruit people while I'm here, so I'm going to end this conversation here, but.... wink wink, nudge nudge, call me in 2 weeks." So I'm like COOL COOL. And we don't speak of it again.

So 2 weeks pass, I continue job hunting, T leaves the firm. He calls me literally the next day, and he immediately is like "I wanna hire you" and I'm like "okay cool, I wanna be hired." So boom I got a new job. Ethically. (I'm serious though, T is a very ethical guy and he did nothing wrong.) So anyway, T is okay with me waiting until my NYU program in June is over, so my start date is July 1. 1 month from then. T also asks me very politely not to tell M where I'm going because it would sour their "friendship" (a.k.a. the attorney world in utah is a small world and he doesn't want M to get his feelings hurt). And I want to be clear, T did not pressure me at all - he asked for a favor, and I decided to do it for him, because I care about him, that's it. If at any point it became a burden for me, I would have changed my mind, and T would have understood.

So, I wait a week until I'm in New York to tell M i'm leaving him. I come up with a brilliant excuse for why I don't want to tell him where I'm going - "I have a few offers and I don't want to talk about it while I'm still deciding" (which wasn't even really a lie). So I call my boss and I tell him I'm putting in my two weeks. And he treats me like he always treats people - he interrogates me. Except this time, he's shocked and upset, so he SUPER interrogates me. It's super inappropriate questions like "why are you quitting???" and "is it because of money???" and "this is SUCH bad timing" - but it's frustrating because he's an attorney and he knows how to dress up these rude questions with politeness. In a way that if I call him out on it, I'll be the one who looks inappropriate. :( It sucked. But luckily I had spent 3 days researching how to approach this, and.... I gave him nothing. He was desperate for fuel to try to convince me to stay or guilt-trip me into working overtime, and I just didn't give him any because I was prepared, and also.... I'm good at this. My mom says I've been good at this since I was 3-years-old lol.

Anyway so unfortunately during the conversation, he asked the question "Where are you going?" and I immediately gave him my excuse. And I expected that to be done and over with. Idk why I thought it'd be that easy... He immediately started trying to guess where I was going. And at what point, he said "are you going to work for T????" and..... honestly guys... I panicked. I lied. I said, "uh, no." flat out lmao. Like, I was just so shocked that he was asking me in the first place. :( But weirdly, he believed me and that was that (or maybe he filed away the lie for later use as you'll see). I also want to make it clear here that I, at first, wasn't telling M where I was going because T had asked me to... but at this point, with how nosy and inappropriate M was asking, I didn't want to tell M anymore either. It wasn't for T that I was hiding it; it was for me. Like, no M, I don't want you to have any personal details. You're being 150% more of a creep than usual which is impressive considering.

Anyway so I never tell anyone where I'm going except 2 ppl whom I trust on my last day (and yes, one of them betrayed me, which kinda sucks D:). I told T that I had lied to M, and T was like "it's okay, if he finds out, I'll have ur back" and also... I told T I go by Echo instead of my legal name/dead name, so I'm fine with the lie because M will probably never find out anyway. and T was delighted and super supportive of my enby identity. ^_^ It's cute because he never called me by name, but now all of his texts and statements deliberately start out with my name as if to remind me that he supports it lol.

Anyway so flash forward to my new day at the job. It's going great. I love it there. And then I check my phone and I see this fucking text:

M: "I hear you work for T now. I wish you the best, but I specifically remember asking you if that's where you would be working, and you said no."

Like.... what the actual fuck? He never texts me, and also I've been gone from his firm for like a day.. max... have some chill, lmfao. like. At first, I was REALLY upset. Not in a "i feel bad for lying" kind of way. I couldn't care less about that. More in a "i feel like i'm being stalked, one of two close friends betrayed me, and also what the fuck, why are you texting me this??" #yikes. But then that night, I was talking to my dad about it. And I became super amused? Like. What is he going for here? What does he want me to say? What response does he hope that I'll give that will make him feel better? Does he want me to call him crying and begging for forgiveness and for my job back? Like? I genuinely sincerely want to know what the fuck he was expecting me to say. I want to understand what was going through his head lol.

And of course, because I am a passive aggressive bitch, I immediately catch on to the fact that he is Butthurt (shocking, I know). His feelings are hurt. An object of his, his very own lead paralegal, lied to him outright and he didn't see it coming! How dare she! He wants to make me feel hurt like he feels hurt, and he's a lawyer, he knows how to interrogate people and manipulate people and get them to suck his dick, idk. So he should be able to use those skills to make me feel bad for lying. He wants to one-up me. But see, what he didn't realize is that....

1, I don't feel guilty for lying to him... at all... like, it took me a couple hours to realize this, but the only negative emotion it made me feel was discomfort and fear. not guilt. the same way i feel when a strange man asks me for a hug, and i feel like refusing would look "rude." Like, there's nothing guilty about that. So yeah. His goal is to expose my guilt to make himself feel better, but... my guilt doesn't exist, so good luck

2, um, like I said earlier, I've been a passive aggressive bitch since the day I was born, unlike this bitch who had to go to college to learn how to do it, and not only that - I'm better at it than him. lmfao. His pride is gonna take a hit.

so I toy with the idea of ignoring him because I know that will really fuck him up and make him constantly think about it and check his texts to see if I've responded. But then T tells me that it's probably better to not burn a bridge because again.... super small world here.

So anyway lol, my response ends up being pretty simple but painstakingly constructed:

"Thank you! :) It wasn't an option at the time - it was a new development after you and I had already talked. I wish you the best as well."

The "Thank you! :)" to seem like I am utterly oblivious to the hidden accusation and passive aggressiveness. The middle sentence to be like "uh, are you really accusing me of lying right now?" and the last sentence, my favorite, to shut down the conversation forever. Now, if he responds, he already lost. Because there's no way to continue this conversation without exposing the fact that his "I wish you the best" was completely insincere. I've stripped away his ability to respond fake-politely (which is his modus operandi), and I've forced the last word on him.

Also, even better... (and no one has any way of proving this, least of all him, but) that statement (the "it wasn't an option at the time - it was a new development after you and i had already talked") is completely a lie on my part, and he knows it. T offered me the job the Monday after he left. There's no way he doesn't know that. So not only did I show obliviousness and not only did I shut the conversation down, I outright stonecold lied a second time. And there's no way for him to call me out on it. Like what could he even do? Send me a screenshot of my hire date? Send me a screenshot of an email I sent to a coworker? If he tries that, he's already lost again because like ... obviously super immature... it would be so easy to crush him with niceness like "Wow, I can tell this has really bothered you!" hahahhaha. Sadly he's smart enough not to do that, but it must be infuriating to know I'm lying and not be able to accuse me.

As an attorney whose literal job it is to catch & expose people lying, he literally watched me flat out lie to his face. Twice. And I didn't feel bad about it. And there was nothing he could do about it either time. He went to law school for this shit, and he still can't out-passive-aggressive me, the classic bitch.

Anyway so T apparently he showed his wife M's message, and she was like "oh my god what an asshole!!!" which I must admit was extremely validating!! And then he showed his wife my message, and she made a shocked face and said "wow she's good." And I always thought T was kinda just flattering me to be nice when he complimented my use of words in defusing angry clients and conveying info about a sensitive subject... but apparently his wife thinks so too, so I guess he's been more serious than I thought. I feel so.... complimented.... it's weird.... but I"m very happy and squeeing.

It's been like almost 24 hours and M has yet to respond to me, and if he does, he's already lost. I'll eviscerate him.

So like I know this story is probably disappointing and might not seem like I shanked his balls, but ... take my word for it because if u knew what a chaotic insecure pathetic mess he was and how he desperately claws for control by trying to intimidate and upset all of his employees (and pretty much always succeeds), then you'd understand that he's NEVER encountered something like this before. Someone literally just not giving a shit what he thinks about them. And from what I know of him, I promise you that this has certainly fucked him up for a good long while. And that makes me happy :')

#lox replies #tismannyv14

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strawberrysoup · 4 years

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Let’s Review || Chapter 22

Peter Parker knew that his big sister would do anything for him to be safe and happy. She’d given up everything for him twice over already and would do it again in a heartbeat. And that’s why, when the criminal mastermind Tony Stark started inextricably following him around, he didn’t say a word. Because he knew without a doubt Penny would do whatever she had to if it meant keeping Peter safe. He had to protect her, just like she always protected him. He never considered what would happen if Stark decided both Parker siblings were worth taking. Never considered who else in Stark’s inner circle would agree. He just wanted to protect her and yet somehow, they both ended up with needles in their necks.

relationship: Steve Rogers/Original Female Character/Bucky Barnes, background Peter Parker/Tony Stark rating: Explicit warnings: Dark Steve Rogers, Dark Bucky Barnes, Dark Tony Stark, Dark Avengers, kidnapping, non-consensual&dark sexual situations, underage Peter Parker, emotional and psychological abuse, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat additional warnings: open the read more, CTRL + F and search “content warnings” to skip to the additional "spoiler-y" tags for trigger warnings

hey guys! i made a ko-fi! if you enjoy this and have some cash you could spare to help me out with my bills, id really appreciate it! if you follow the link and check out the ‘posts’, there’s a snippet for ch. 4 of posies!

Their parents had died a few months after her thirteenth birthday and Penny essentially blacked out for the next 8 months. She didn’t remember anything from that school year, although she’d evidently scraped by in all of her classes—actually, Penny was still convinced that little Peter, who was already showing signs of being a tiny genius, had done at least half of her homework. She didn’t remember Hanukkah that year, or the first Christmas she’d ever celebrated with Aunt May and Uncle Ben. She had zero friends coming out of that year, having accidentally pushed everyone away in fits of rage or sadness that she couldn’t even remember. The pain cut just as deep every time she remembered showing up to school the first day of her freshman year only to receive the cold shoulder from half her grade.

That was actually one of the first memories she’d retained after coming out of 7 months and 3 weeks of complete emptiness, how none of her best friends wanted anything to do with her. Everything had been confusing, somehow devastating all over again but… it was less. Her parents were gone and it hurt so much but it was nothing compared to the agony that had beset her form seconds after being informed her mom and dad were dead. When Penny racked her brain she could almost remember Aunt May crouched in front of her while she sat on the couch at home, holding her hands.

Somewhere in her brain, Penny had known that plane crashes were possible. Like, as a concept she understood the idea. The plane that was flying through the air stops doing that, and all the people inside the plane die. But it couldn’t possibly happen to her parents—they were her parents, they were infallible. Plane crashes happened, yeah, but her parents couldn’t be gone. Aunt May had told her several years later that she and Ben had been petrified she would try to kill herself, especially when the state tried to take the young girl away from the Parker’s.

They’d never had the money for therapy and Penny figured she’d never regain the memories from those months but honestly, she didn’t want them. The gaps were reprieves, the missing conversations, the absence of any and all detail. Wasn’t she sad to not remember her eighth-grade graduation? Fuck no, it was a blessing to forget how she’d felt like everyone in existence had their eyes on her—except for the ones she wanted.

There were times she absently wondered how disappointed her parents would be that she didn’t finish college, let alone get an actual high school degree. Her dad had been so smart, a genius in his own right. And her mom… Penny tried not to think of her mom often, not when it hurt so deeply. Mary Parker had been a gentle soul with an IQ of 150 who made Penny feel safe and loved and understood every day of her life. Her mother would’ve been understanding, she would’ve seen the necessity in her dropping out but it would’ve hurt that gentle soul to know the opportunities her baby had missed.

It hurt Penny in a special way that neither of Mary and Richard Parker’s children would be graduating from high school. Neither would attend university. They wouldn’t go on to press the limits of their parent’s knowledge or make an impact on the world. Somehow despite everything she’d sacrificed, Peter would never get the opportunity that he deserved. Her genius baby brother, his potential capped before he had a chance to try. God, it was an agonizing burn in her chest, a searing pain that made her nauseous and light-headed.

Her heart was pounding so hard she wondered if her ribs would crack. The cabin was lovely. Dark wood and an A-frame, a nice deck in the back and lots of windows. It was surrounded by trees, with dark needles or thin pale trunks, the purple mountains of the Rockies a lovely backdrop. It was colder than she’d expect for summer, especially considering the overcast sky and the breeze. The clouds moved so fast at such a high altitude and Penny watched trembling as a shadow passed over the house, chasing the light away before the sun followed its path ravenously once more.

Steve and Bucky were unloading suitcases from the back of the SUV, passing each other calculating looks as Penny stood practically frozen in place. Her shoulders were hunched almost to her ears, arms wrapped gently but tightly around the white kitten in her arms. It was purring quietly, the same way it had been for hours now. The little thing had cried the first few hours after they’d left the tower and subsequently the chubby cheeked orange kitten behind, only settling when Penny laid down across the middle seat in the SUV and let it burrow into the crook of her neck.

If Penny turned around she would’ve recognized the mournful looks on their faces, the pain in the lines of their eyes. The soldiers knew the hurt she felt, to be separated from their most important person—they understood that Peter was the most important person in Penny’s world. This separation was on their heads, but what could they do? They’d worked themselves into a rut, the three of them, wearing such deep treads into their negative behaviors that they couldn’t climb out. A complete shakeup was the only solution.

Both winced when she abruptly folded at the waist, clutching the kitten to her chest, and vomited over the pine needle strewn dirt of the driveway. Her hair fell in heavy, curly curtains around her face as she heaved again, hiding her tear-streaked face from the soldiers’ view. The sound of them setting the bags they held down registered in Penny’s ears but she couldn’t find the strength to collect herself before they converged on her.

“Come ‘ere doll, lemme take you up to the bathroom,” Bucky stated quietly, sweeping her and the cat up into his arms as gently as he could, “you can take a bath while me and Steve get everything unloaded. I think you’ll really like the cabin baby, we… well, we designed it just for you. If there’s anything you want to change, you just tell us. We want it to be perfect for you.”

She mostly caught flashes of green and white and brown, tucking her chin to look at the kitten snuggled into her cleavage. It felt cruel, to have taken the white one and left the orange, but the little chubby-cheeked kitten had taken to her brother so well—better than it had taken to her, even. Peter had named it Malcah and while it still didn’t like being picked up or held, it twined his ankles and meowed at him for love.

“Sit here baby,” the soldier set her carefully on the lid of the toilet, after having climbed a set of stairs and turned multiple blurry corners, “let me run your bath.”

It was all white tile, the toilet built into the wall. The tub was a freestanding clawfoot, with a spray nozzle and high sides. It was surprisingly small, considering how large the tub in the tower had been. Penny idly speculated that only perhaps one of the soldiers would be able to fit at time and it would certainly be a tight squeeze if she was forced in with them. There was a standing shower on the other side, where the roof wasn’t so sharply sloped by the A-framed roof. The nice thing, that Penny would never admit was very nice, was all of the plants. The entire room was predominantly white but there was a long-vined philodendron hanging gracefully over the tub, snake plants sitting on the shelf before the toilet. She could see a rubber plant and another type of vine by the sinks, framing the mirror.

They’d obviously gone to great lengths to make sure it would be something she liked, clearly evidenced by the bathroom alone. There were even candles waiting to be used on the antique, hunter green shelves and bath bombs with lovely scents. If she’d been able to design a personal bathroom, Penny figured it would probably have looked something like this and that made her hate it all the more.

The bastards were so in their heads they could barely see the sunlight. Penny was convinced that they were so distracted orchestrating her nightmare they’d lost the plot. They kept throwing stuff at her; beautiful plants, nice clothing, cute cats, lovely homes—but it didn’t mean a single thing. All of the possessions in the world didn’t make up for the gaping, rotting hole in her chest.

“Alright doll, let’s get you undressed,” Bucky shifted towards her once the water was at the right temperature and filling the tub, a small smile on his stubbled face.

“Do you think I’m debilitated?” She rasped after a moment, rolling her eyes up to stare him in the face before spitting a vomit speckled wad of phlegm onto the rug by her feet and setting the kitten on the shelf next to the snake plants. “Last time I checked I didn’t need to be treated like a baby. Are you gonna keep standing over me like a pervert? Get out.”

The soldier’s eyebrows shot up his forehead, surprised by the calmness behind her cutting tongue. Usually, when Penny got an attitude, it came with fury and fists and resulted in broken bones or bleeding wounds. This was overwhelmingly controlled; a bitchy rebuttal. Her voice was the gravelly tone she usually got after screaming or crying, dark brown eyes nearly black. When he didn’t move, Penny rolled her eyes and stood, whipping her t-shirt over her head and dropping it to the ground.

“You’re bein’ a little moody, babe,” Bucky watched calmly as she undressed, her clothes piling up on the floor. “Wanna think about reigning it in?”

Penny’s hair was big and curly around her face, framing the clenched jaw and sneering nose. “What are you gonna do, kill me? Whatever.”

“Penny, what—”

“Peter is a thousand miles away,” Penny’s voice started out sharp but very quickly faded into a tired drawl, “you can’t hurt him from here. And what do I care if you hurt me? So could you either get the fuck out and let me take a bath or fucking drown me in it? Whatever it takes for this interaction to be over.”

“Are you looking for a punishment right now?” Bucky’s lips pulled down at the corners, eyebrows furrowing, “‘Cause you’re working your way towards one really quick.”

“What’re you gonna do? Kill someone in front of me?” She groaned, reaching up to dig her fingers into the roots of her hair, tugging sharply before dragging it into a tangled, thoughtless bun on the top of her head “Or spank me until I can’t sit? Rape me? Could you just get it over with? I want to be alone, please!”

Bucky was silent for several long seconds before sighing through his nose, pushing his sleeves up to his elbows. “Take your bath, think about your fuckin’ attitude. Steve and I are gonna bring the bags in.”

He left the door open and Penny was further irritated to learn he had too much dignity to stomp down the stairs the way she’d hoped he would. His break in composure had been so good for her it was unbelievable—but there was likely a punishment on the horizon and Steve wasn’t likely to let her off easy once the brunet told him what she’d said. The bastard was stone cold when it came to that shit.

She stared idly at the steaming bath, naked with her clothes piled around her feet—the question was whether she wanted a bath or if she’d been resigned to it? The water was scented, because of course it was. It was even one of her favorite citrusy scents, she noted disdainfully, another thing they had paid so much attention to while keeping her locked up in a tower like fucking Rapunzel. Now in a cabin, she figured she was a Jewish Goldilocks surrounded by hungry bears.

But it smelled nice and her body ached from the long car ride, it had already been run so why not hop in? Besides, it would keep her busy while the soldier’s fucked around and she wouldn’t have to see them for a bit. They were shuffling around and she could hear the sounds of bags being placed around the cabin. The door banged off the walls several times, always accompanied by a groan or a curse, one of which she recognized as a Yiddish swear—which she refused to find endearing. The kitten meowed at her from its position on the shelf, looking put out to be so far away but Penny shushed it quietly.

“You won’t like the water, just stay there,” she murmured quietly at the distraught little creature, picking up a washcloth and dunking it into the perfumed water. “If I come get you I’ll make a huge mess.”

She ignored the kitten as it continued to communicate with her, chittering in annoyance and pawing the edge of the ledge for several minutes before evidently surrendering and lying down with its little paws draped over the edge. Penny smiled to herself, the cat’s tail was roughly the size of its body and when it curled the fluffy mass of fur around itself it became unrecognizable as a cat. The orange one would’ve continued to complain until Penny let it down, would’ve just barely given her ankles a rub before running off to hide somewhere.

That’s why she decided to leave Malcah with Peter; the orange cat didn’t run from or scratch him. She twined his ankles, sat next to his thigh on the couch, kneaded her little paws against him. Peter had decided both kittens were female, based on the very reasonable basis that he wanted them to be. Penny wasn’t sure, didn’t quite care. The only thing she ever referred to the cats as was Chatul—which literally meant cat in Hebrew. She’d shortened it to Tuly for the white kitten, for the sake of ease, but refused to say it in front of the soldiers. The cat was hers, she didn’t have to share it with them.

The sounds of the soldiers were becoming more consistent throughout the cabin and Penny figured they must’ve brought in all of the bags and were focused on unpacking. She could hear someone down in the kitchen, unloading the masses of groceries they’d brought up the mountain while the other was in the bedroom. Penny rubbed the washcloth over her skin lightly, the oils from the fragrance making her skin soft and slippery.

She didn’t hear him come in, she felt Steve come in. The blond’s presence was just as overwhelming as Tony Stark’s, an aura bigger than his body that filled the room. She could feel the disappointed stare, even as she continued to wipe herself down with the washcloth. Her teeth ground together as he watched in silence, just waiting.

“Bucky said you’ve caught an attitude, baby doll.”

“Caught an attitude?” She rolled her eyes. “Wow, if only I hadn’t become desensitized to living in constant terror—you never would’ve realized I’ve had an attitude the whole time!”

“We’re supposed to be turning a new page, Pen.”

“Turning a—” Penny scoffed, face appalled as she abruptly stood from the bath and ignored the water going everywhere, “we’re not turning a new page—You burnt the fucking book!”

The blond’s eyes widened; Penny had gotten angry in the past, furious even. She’d broken things, broken skin, broken bones and it was always accompanied by outraged screaming. But Penny didn’t make unnervingly straight eye contact while she did it. She was barely coherent at the best of times, mostly she screamed to the room at large before flying into a violent frenzy—it was different. It was startling, the light in her eyes and the way her voice cracked.

“There is no page turning, there’s no fucking—fucking reconciliation here, Steve,” she snatched a towel from the rack behind the tub, wrapping the light green fabric around her chest tightly, “I can’t believe after, fuck, how long has it been? A month and a half? Two months? What fucking day is it?”

“…It’s July 2nd,” he found himself choking out, still feeling shell shocked as she stepped out of the tub.

“A month and a half,” Penny’s face twitched, just barely concealing the distraught look he could see she wanted to make and she started shifting past him, “Jesus Christ after a month and a half you guys still don’t get it—you know what, never mind. After a month and a half, I should’ve been smart enough to realize what dumbasses you both are.”

“Penny—”

“God, fuck!” She shouted up at the ceiling, stopping in place halfway out the door. “I have listened to you two talk at length for what’s apparently been a month and a half! I have tried to listen to your stupid fucking rules, I put in the fucking effort and you still decided to take away the one thing I care about! I’m sick and tired of you saying my name in that fucking tone, I’m tired of constantly internalizing and I’m tired of being fucking walked on! So I’ll tell you what I told Bucky—either kill me or leave me alone, but for fucks’ sake just give me space!”

A low mew followed her statement and Penny made an abrupt about face, stomping past him to snatch up the kitten from where it had been sitting on the ledge and storming past him again. It was like getting brushed by a wildfire and Steve fought the urge to take a step back when her wet hair whipped against him.

She dug through one of the bags that held her belongings angrily, kitten on her shoulder, knowing that the blond continued to watch her from the bathroom doorway. Shorts, underwear, a sports bra, a t-shirt, and a hoodie over that. She would’ve put on socks but she knew it bothered Steve when she went barefoot.

“Come downstairs, precious,” he sighed after watching her dress, gesturing towards the stairs, “we’ve got to talk.”

“We’ve always got to talk,” Penny snorted derisively but started down the stairs anyway, Tuly back in her arms, “but it’s usually just you two telling me what I can and can’t do. Stop bossing me around.”

Steve followed after her, aghast and confused—Penny had always been brave in the situations she was forced into, whether it was taking custody of her fourteen year old brother or dealing with being kidnapped from her apartment by a billionaire criminal, but she hadn’t ever antagonized before. She’d talked back, got irritated, snapped, but she hadn’t ever just been flat out bitchy.

On the main floor, Bucky had already put away all of the groceries and was folding up the cloth shopping bags to tuck away for next time. The brunet’s eyes locked on Penny for several long calculating seconds and her hackles raised; whatever was coming was going to be annoying. She refused to be afraid though, not when there wasn’t anything to lose. Not anymore.

“Sit on the couch, let’s talk,” Steve directed, watching as she seemed to contemplate following the direction before doing so, “things are obviously going to be different here, precious.”

“The cabin is equipped with the same AI as the tower but its restricted to monitoring and safety protocols,” Bucky explained, gesturing to the open layout of the main floor, “you’ll be able to go outside so long as you ask first, there’s plenty to do out there. When Steve bought it there was an overgrown vegetable garden out there, we had it cleaned up for you and the shed fixed up and stocked. A lot of good hiking around here too.”

“I can’t talk to JARVIS?” She asked, eyes tracking the way the soldier’s exchanged glances. “Of course not. Then I would have some sort of interaction beyond the pair of you. Damaging to your plan, huh?”

“Penny, the rules didn’t end just because we’re out of the tower,” Steve had one hand braced on his hip while the other rubbed over his forehead, “be—”

“If you say Be Sweet I’ll find a way to kill myself,” Penny intoned, a dry look on her face. “Jews don’t have an afterlife you know, I’m not afraid of going to Hell.”

“Penny, we’re trying—”

“Penny we’re trying,” she mocked in a high-pitched voice, dead eye stare once again boring into Bucky’s, “I’m not. I’m done trying. You’ll either kill me or drive me insane, I’ll never see Peter again—I…I failed. I couldn’t protect him, I couldn’t even keep him safe until he was an adult, isn’t that insane? Grand total of three years and some change and I fucked it up.”

Penny stood up from the couch, shaking her head as she went. The kitten was quick to jump off the couch and follow after her, meowing while that massive fluffy squirrel tail curled over its back. The open floor plan of the cabin came in handy for the soldiers though, because she couldn’t really escape even as she walked across the living room and into the kitchen.

It was hard to pretend she didn’t actually love the cabin. The kitchen was small, located beneath the loft that held the bedroom and bathroom. The railing to the loft was covered in live vines that hung down to create a tiny illusion of separation between the living room and kitchen, the kitchen itself was sage green with white and dark brown accents. There were more plants, open cabinets mounted to the walls, the sink was small but there was a dishwasher. She loved the spiral staircase that led up to the loft, framing the kitchen to the left with small shiny baubles hanging from it.

There was a hamsa and a cross, both stained glass and hanging from the tallest step. Pretty cat toys hung from the lower railings, just within the kitten’s reach. It made Penny’s skin itch, just how lovely and perfect the whole cabin was. More evidence that they were paying a freaky amount of attention to her and every move she made.

“You didn’t fail, doll,” Bucky’s tone was quiet and he hesitated for a moment before following after her several paces, ending up on the edge of the kitchen, “You didn’t fuck it up, Peter—”

“Peter is trapped in a prison in New York with a creep more than twice his age who wants to violate and brainwash him,” Penny was on her knees in front of the fridge, digging through the crisper drawer in the bottom. “Literally all I had to do to prevent that from happening was pay more attention to his daily life. Fuck, kid was practically raising himself with how often I was gone—never stood a chance, you know?”

“Don’t think like that Penny,” Steve sighed, leaning down to pick up the kitten that had circled back to his ankles and setting it on his shoulder, “there’s nothing you could’ve done. You know who Tony Stark is, you know what he’s capable of. You can’t heap that guilt on your shoulders.”

“Oh, can’t I?” She hummed, absently throwing a package of bacon onto the floor, followed by a flat of raw chicken and beef. “There can be dairy in here or there can be meat, not both.”

“We might need a second fridge,” Bucky observed quietly, watching Penny drop a couple of deli bags with sandwich meat onto the ground before she started shuffling everything into different places within the cooler. “We could keep it in the shed?”

“No room,” Steve shook his head absently, “garage?”

Penny had collected a stack of items from the fridge and piled them onto the counter, not even bothering to look back on the soldiers as she began puttering around. The open-faced cabinets on the walls held mostly dishes and containers filled with ingredients and she ducked down, opening the lower cabinets and digging out several pans.

“Do you… do you want a hand, doll?” Bucky asked hesitantly after several moments, watching her collect ingredients and tools and turn on the stove.

“No.”

“Penny—”

“Can I make lunch please?” She whipped around, an irritated look on her face and a spatula in hand, looking like she was about to use it to beat them both, “I’m hungry and I want to die, I figure you’ll only allow me to fulfill one of those wants so can you let me cook?”

The next thing she knew, Penny had been swept up into Bucky’s arms. The solider looked confused, lips curled in frustration but his brow furrowed with dismay. She stiffened at the action when he stomped back to the couch and sat down roughly, dropping her over his knees and landing a smarting blow to her ass through her shorts without warning.

“Thirty for this fucking attitude,” he barked, yanking the shorts down until the waistband settled under the curve of her ass against the tops of her thighs, “count.”

A sharp inhale followed the first skin to skin hit and Penny snarled in response, “one.”

“Apologize,” Steve’s fingers tangled into her hair, extracting the hair tie and letting the curls fall in chaotic waves over her shoulders and face.

“Two,” she counted dutifully and angrily, narrowed eyes landing on Steve’s face, “I’m sorry you’re a fucking monster!”

“That just added ten more, Penny,” Bucky sighed through gritted teeth, “you better reign it in.”

“You better just kill me,” she rasped, nails digging into his leg where she was holding on for balance through the hits, “because I won’t reign it in. I’m sick to death of you motherfuckers—Oh, fuck, three!”

“No cursing during punishments, start from one,” Steve ordered darkly, the hand in her hair pulling taught as he glanced into Bucky’s eyes—the baffling combination of anger and dismay and loss in the brunet’s eyes let him know he wasn’t the only one scrambling.

“Fuck you!” Penny shook her head roughly as if to dislodge his hand, canting her head to the side the best she could manage to look him in the eye, “beat me black and blue, I don’t fucking care. Don’t you get it? It doesn’t matter anymore! Nothing fucking matters.”

content warnings: spanking *edit, addition content warning: disrespectful terminology for Jewish people

#steve rogers x reader x bucky barnes #steve rogers x reader #bucky barnes x reader #steve rogers x oc #bucky barnes x oc #steve rogers x oc x bucky barnes #dark!fic

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miraculous-ninjabird · 2 years

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I posted 3,631 times in 2021

812 posts created (22%)

2819 posts reblogged (78%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 3.5 posts.

I added 2,207 tags in 2021

#ninjago - 794 posts

#reblog - 293 posts

#malcolm’s rambles - 237 posts

#kai smith - 222 posts

#ninja thoughts - 150 posts

#asks - 134 posts

#jay walker - 117 posts

#zane julien - 113 posts

#lloyd garmadon - 76 posts

#nya smith - 71 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#if my glasses arnt where i left them someone else has to find them because they are small enough there is little hope of me finding them

My Top Posts in 2021

Okay, you know up until s7, when Kai talked about his parents, he mostly talked about his dad. Which might lead everyone to believe that he had a very strong bond with his dad.

But after rewatching the reunion scene, I’ve decided that while Kai did love his dad, he was actually much closer to his mother.

I will use screenshots to illustrate (you’ll have to pardon the quality).

So first, I want to say that all the close up shots of Kai’s eyes are really telling here. There’s got be some kind of meaning behind them.

Look at his facial expression here. He hasn’t seen his father in probably over a decade at this point. And we KNOW for a fact that Kai missed him dearly. But the only thing we see here is rage.

He then goes on the full offensive. He is so blinded by rage at this perceived betrayal, that he will not listen to reason. Even after Ray recognizes him, Kai refuses to back down. Nothing that Ray or even Nya says will convince him to stop for a moment and just listen.

But then his mother steps in. And just look at the difference in his reaction. It’s like night and day. When he sees his father, the only thing we see is anger. But here, we get an expression that is just so full of hope. Like he almost can’t believe that Maya was actually there.

He stops immediately when his mother tells him too. It looks like he wants to cry, he so relived to see that she’s alive and she’s here.

He even hugs her. And it’s not until after this point that he steps back and demands an explanation. Once he gets one, he seems fine and willing to believe it. But I really do wonder what would have happened in this scene if Maya hadn’t shown up when she did. I seriously think that meeting would have gone a very different direction.

In essence. Kai missed his dad but he really, REALLY missed his mom and when he was younger probably was a mama’s boy.

I just. I want to see more of Kai and Nya and their relationship with their parents. Specifically I want details on Kai’s relationship with his mother.

227 notes • Posted 2021-03-19 05:15:13 GMT

There's something about Kai winking at his enemies right before he fucks them up that gives me so much life

270 notes • Posted 2021-09-24 16:28:20 GMT

Okay but that scene right after Cole falls where everyone is in shock, but Kai straight up takes the controls from Nya and tries to go back for Cole and Zane has to stop him?????

It literally has me crying every single time I see it it gets to me. It’s just so heartbreaking. I’ve seen it a million times but still.

281 notes • Posted 2021-02-17 04:06:16 GMT

Fun fact I’ve noticed:

Kai is reckless in a protective way

Zane is protective in a reckless way

A subtle but distinct difference. It’s so them, opposites but at the same time so similar.

300 notes • Posted 2021-08-15 09:42:18 GMT

3228 notes • Posted 2021-07-27 09:58:08 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #hey I got it to work!!#had to delete my top post cause image limits #but that’s okay since it was actually not mine but a commission artwork shared with artist permission lol #as you can see #I have one thing I think about 90% of the time lol

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momowho34 · 3 years

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Ever wondered whats actually in the Old Testament? Well that’s the only testament my religion has! Heres a summary of the Tanakh (old testament) from a jewish lens. I’ve read a lot of these books because I have nothing better to do so I mostly know what I’m talking about. Come on down to Judiasm, we have

The Big Five

The Book of Bereshit (Genesis): the world gets made then flooded and uh oh family drama fuck don’t get more then one wife these people need family therapy oh god oh no

The Book of Sh’mot (Exodus): pssst hey kid, want some freedom??? Wanna fucking starve and die in the desert??? Hey kid, wanna be free to suffer and die???? Or stay where you are as a slave and die a little more every day???? Also leprosy bad don’t do it be nice and have more babies lots of babies the population is at like 17 people right now-

The Book of Vayikrah (Leviticus) we’re going to the promised land I swear, part 1, also learning how to have your own agency as a human being and how to live as a good person now that you’re free. Also hygiene. Remember to bathe you fucks. Basically, the people ask god for laws, and oh boy, does he deliver.

The Book of Bamidbar (Numbers): we’re going to the promised land I swear, part 2, with more rules this time! Soooo many rules. Like too many. Like so many, mostly of the “don’t steal Sherman’s cow even if you really really want it because god keeps a tally of that shit and it’s really not good for your long term health”

The Book of Shevarim (Deuteronomy): more rules, repeat of everything god said, it’s a little doom and gloom, but hey, we finally made it to the fucking promised land! It should be a peice of cake from here on out!

The Interesting But Far Less Impactful Ones

The Book of Yoshua (Joshua): well... we finally made it. Things have gone... alright.... so far, I bet things are gonna be just fine.

The Book of Shoftim (Judges): things get legendarily worse. There are dismembered limbs everywhere. Ain’t pretty. Israel change leaders like a girl changes clothes, and these leaders are (including but not limited to): stabby-stabby left handed guy, a Woman [gasp], whatever the fuck Gideon was supposed to be, basically a pirate whose mom is a prostitute, and mr. strong man don’t cut his hair. Seriously.

The Book of Shmuel 1 and 2 (Samuel I-II): look just... shit goes down. Saul is a shit king so the random ass peasant child David becomes the king of Israel and is a hilarious disaster of a man. A lot of civil wars. A lot of David being a dramatic bitch. These are my favorite books I kind of cried in the beginning when Jonathan died. Hijinks ensue. Things go... okay for a while.

The Book of Malachim 1 and 2 (Kings I and II): Oho boy. David’s son Solomon becomes king, he builds the temple, he’s a fine king until he’s not, Judah splits off from the other tribes and becomes their own kingdom, Elijah gets really tired of babysitting all of these kings all the time, it’s a nebulous time period.

The Books of Isaiah, Jeremiah, Hosea, Ezekiel, Joel, Amos, Obadiah, Jonah, Micah, Nahum, Habbakuk, Zephaniah, Zachariah and Malachi: okay, this is... a lot. Most of these books are various essays made by prophets trying to convince people to stop doing whatever sin was prevalent at their time. A lot of it’s boring and not really relevant anymore. Except for Habbakuk, Habbakuk tries to have a fist fight with god, god answers his questions, he leaves satisfied. I think the temple gets ganked at some point and the Israelites get massacred so hard only Judah’s tribe, Benjamin’s tribe, and bits of Levi survive and everyone else faces exile. Anyway that’s booooring let’s move on

End of the Story (Last Section Part 1)

[imma start with some of the later books because they’re relevant to the earlier books and closure is important]

The Book of Daniel: Local Man is almost killed in every way you can think of but god protects him and he pursues his dream... of becoming a Persian bureaucrat. Not kidding.

The Book of Ezra: they return to the land! They rebuild the temple!! The Jews are sort of kind of a thing again!!!

The Book of Nehemiah: except Jerusalem is a wasteland and a perfect target for bandits so Nehemiah has the genius idea of building a wall around the city so awesome and cool that no one will ever mess with them again. Nehemiah is really good because it’s about healing and connection and redemption and all that good shit. Broken people trying to put their lives back together by connecting to their past. Makes me fucking cry damn it-

Miscellaneous (Last Section Part 2)

Lamentations: Jerusalem is fucked. It’s bad. Everything is bad. Again. Oh well. Better luck next time.

Esther: the Jewish queen of Persia manages to outsmart an evil guy who wants to kill her people yayyyyy

Ecclesiastes: its just a philosophy book with a disembodied narrator who was probably Solomon.

Psalms: David is extra and he wants you to know it so he wrote 150 verses of praise to god cause he felt like it

Proverbs: Solomon wants everyone to be good people, the usual.

Song of Songs: okay listen, this is basically a love poem supposedly written by Solomon, and it is like... really horny and genuinely kinda sweet at times. Weird book, don’t know why it’s here

Ruth: a converted immigrant widow follows her mother in law into Israel and marries a pretty cool guy named Boaz. That’s it.

#judaism #bible #I guess this might apply to christianity??#some of it anyway #torah #old testament #bible tw #idk man I just wanna know if people know this perspective #Christianity ordered the books different #so it’s like a completely different story #psalms #Ruth #king david #god and stuff

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hopelessromanticsociopath · 3 years

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Hi guys! I wanted to discuss why i personally am having a hard time recovering from my eating disorder and maybe someone can help or relate or make me feel better for a moments notice? I developed an eating disorder back in april 2020. It was over quarentine and i was eating whatever i wanted and it was very noticeable. I also worked at a pizza place and they gave me a free meal every time i worked a shift, which I definitely took advantage of and made myself my favorite pizza almost every time i came in. I weighed around 145-150. I was also about to experience one of the darkest times of my life. I remember I bought size 25 jeans and they didnt zip up at all and my mom was like oh okay that’s fine you can just return them and get another size, let me measure you to see what size urban says you would be. So she measured my waists and my hips and she said, you would be a size 28. And i was in complete shock. I used to be a skinny mini all my life because i never ate meat and ate like the same 3 foods. It at first began with me doing walks around my neighborhood and making myself healthy meals. I would make like stir fry and salads and sautee myself chicken. It was the healthy path to go down, but it didn’t give me the results i wanted. Back in middle school i had suffered from bulimia. I didn’t like that path. It made my heart race and it put a bad taste in my mouth. I wondered what would happen if i just stopped eating so much all together. It wasn’t until around July, when i realized i had just about nothing left. Most guys i used to be friends with hated me, my best friend was never in town, i had no friends, i worked at a job every single day that i fucking hated. I looked at who i had become and i fucking hated it so much. It wasn’t until i reached that point and suffered extreme psychosis and convinced myself i was the ugliest and most horrible person on this planet and i would go days without eating. I would lock myself in my room in the dark and shut out the world. My life got better, somehow. Like a month later, school started. It was online but it still got me back in touch with people. I started talking to my old guy friends again. I actually started having friends again. I had a lot of friends actually. I started dating a really sweet guy and i confided in him what was going on in my head because i trusted him a lot and he knew i dealt with one before. He said he would make sure i was eating and he cared about me and didn’t want me to die or anything. You would think that me being happy and loved would make me accept myself and not feel the need to starve myself, but it was quite the opposite. If anything, i needed to prove that i was enough for him. I would go numerous days without eating. I actually noticed a change. My waist had gotten much thinner. Halloween came. I dressed up as a cheetah. I didn’t eat for 5 days until halloween came. I didn’t want to look bad. I was around 120-125 ish i think. And spontaneously he broke up with me. It shouldn’t matter that much to a normal person. Any normal person would’ve just got over it. But as someone who also has bpd, I absolutely lost it. I didn’t eat for a few days then got back in the routine of eating once or twice a day. This is where the feeling I’m talking about comes from. It made me feel sick to eat, wrong almost. I was so angry and upset that it happened and that it ended on such a horrible note and now we weren’t even friends that i took it all out on myself. I promised myself that the next time i saw him i would be the skinniest I’ve ever been. I just more than anything else wanted to be his friend again. Nothing more, i just wanted to feel worthy of his time like i once had. Eventually we become friends again. He tries to get with my friend and i was drunk so i slapped him. Duh. Then i felt bad so i apologized and i kissed him on the cheek then i went to sleep. I woke up and was blocked on everything. He hated me once again. I felt horrible. I went on a drinking bender, and was drunk for 3 days. It was a very dark and anxiety inducing time of my life.

This time, he was actually gone for good. He was gone forever. And he still is gone, but it got worse for me. After that happened I didn’t eat for about 2 weeks. I got to 107 pounds. I also ran every day. I used to hate my running but recently, whenever i run my mind just goes blank. I black out too often. I don’t know what i did when i blacked out but i know it put me in some horrible positiondI just think about how I don’t deserve to eat. Some people with eating disorders highlight how much they don’t like calories and eating because their fear is being fat. I do think like that. Still, if i eat now i freak out and think I’m obsese and just can’t look in the mirror, but most of all, I don’t believe i deserve meals. I’ve recently been put on a partial hospitalization thing. I don’t eat at the hospital because its not an eating disorder recovery hospital, it’s for my anxiety. My parents don’t know about my eating disorder. Its not “bad enough” even though i lost large amounts of weight. I’m still not as skinny as those little tumblr girls and it makes me angry. Having an eating disorder mindset is so depressing. When I’m starving all i want to do is eat. But in the back of my mind, my brain is cussing myself out and counting the calorie of every meal and snack and drink. My brain doesn’t want me to recover, it wants me to die. And i want to get better. I really really want to, but it would be for nothing. Then I wouldn’t have my body as something i like about myself anymore. I would have no control over anything in my life. I would be a boring and normal, sad teenage girl. And that’s boring. I refuse to be boring.

I highly doubt anyone read this whole thing. If you did you deserve a serious high five. I’m just angry i guess. Angry with life, angry the way things are, angry that i lose everyone good i ever meet, angry that I’m alone right now, angry at circumstances. It’s unfair. I will never find my happiness, especially not with my mind right now.

I don’t think I deserve meals. I am not a good person. Every calorie i eat my brain screams at me that I’m fat and ugly and no one could ever love someone as ugly and horrible as me. It makes life so difficult. I reached my goal weight. Why isn’t that enough? Why can’t that be enough for me? Why do I have to be stick thin? I just want someone to notice me and ask if I’m okay.

#tw ed things #i wanna be small #anorekic #anor3xia #thinspr0 #ventcore #ana recovery #edulting #ed vent #anarexx #anarexia #ana thoughts #anamia #ed thinking

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katlivesinthewoods · 3 years

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Some vaporwave Dandy + some headcanons!

some dandy Dandy headcanons

》Andy is 150% calmer since they started going out. Like Barely Ever Angry

》Sometimes Dan goes from Boyfriend Mode to Therapist Mode and Andy needs to remind him to take a step back

》Dan is the BEST at comforting Andy when he feels dysphoric and is ALWAYS prepared to help, even at 4 am

》They Never fight Ever because Dan is basically a free relationship counselor

》They probably go for ice cream A Lot

》Dan is like 5'10" and Andy is 5'5" - the latter DEMANDS piggybacks, especially while his leg is still healing

》Lots and lots of cuddles!!!

》Dan wears Andy's jersey number RELIGIOUSLY, even if there's not a game that day and after he graduates. Conversely, Andy NEVER wears Dan's but he makes up for it by being the literal loudest person in the crowd

》Whenever Andy has a game Dan writes "KING KANG IS MY BADASS BOYFRIEND" on his chest for everyone to see and 100% screams the loudest

》Dan eventually takes his Supportive Boyfriend Role to the next level when he literally takes on the role of the Westchester Wolf mascot (the extra cash doesn't hurt, either)

At first he doesn't tell Andy because he wants it to be a surprise and everyone's like "wtf why is Chester showering King Kang with all this affection???"

And Andy is still super confused until he hugs Chester after the game and Dan is just loudly whispering "ANDY IT'S ME"

》Ice cream dates!

》Also probably workout dates at the gym! Gotta help support each other

》They always go on bike rides together no matter what time of day or night

》Tom buys them a tandem bike as a joke but joke's on him!!! They use it all the time

》"Enjoy your old people bike, losers”

"Don't worry, we do"

"Wtf you're supposed to hate it"

》Speaking of Tom, he's a very jealous boy (but still very supportive of the relationship) because Andy spends like- ONE less hour a day with him since he started going out with Dan

》Before Andy gets top surgery, Dan always reminds him to take off his binder at 8-hour intervals and change into a non-supporting sports bra before a game or else he'll forget

》Dan is a pretty Rich Boye and helps Andy pay for his T prescription, and Andy is super grateful because he wasn't able to before. And three months in, they're chatting one day and out of the blue Dan just goes "God, your voice is almost deeper than mine already!" And externally Andy starts teasing him about it but inside he's crying and fluffy and soft because Validation!!!

》On top of that he helps pay for his top surgery too and at first Andy REFUSES to accept, but Dan drops the L word for the first time and Andy MELTS

》Once Andy finally gets the surgery Dan kisses his scars whenever he can (once they've healed so he doesn't hurt his boye) because they mean so much to both of them. However, Andy is Very Very Ticklish and has the Most Infectious Laughter Ever so they always end up in fits of giggles

》Dan takes literally every possible chance he can to validate Andy

》There are some Very Rare days when Andy feels absolutely awful and whenever Therapist Dan tries to help, it basically goes nowhere. But one day Andy's just pissed at the world in general and when Dan offers to help Andy snaps at him

》On top of this Andy sometimes has periods of heavy dysphoria where he doesn't believe anything Dan says and it hurts them both but Dan knows that he just needs a lil time to himself (and a LOT of chocolate ice cream)

》ICE CREAM DATES!!

》Andy is VERY particular about his hair - once he does it for the day, NO ONE is allowed to touch it. But then Mister Dan Pierce comes along when they're cuddling and he runs his fingers through Andy's hair and he just MELTS

》They wear cute couple costumes EVERY chance they get. Their top five favourites are:

>Andy as Mario and Dan as Princess Peach

>Andy as Wario and Dan as Waluigi

>Andy as Mermaid Man and Dan as Barnacle Boy

>Andy as Dan and Dan as Andy

>Andy as a dragon and Dan as a princess

》The group with be chilling wherever and Dan will suddenly go "Oh my God you guys I love Andy so much"

"We know, you said the same thing five minutes ago-"

》They move in with each other almost IMMEDIATELY after Andy graduates and their apartment becomes the go-to hangout place for their friend group

》They end up getting like, three BIG doggos

》The doggos are most likely a St. Bernard, an Alaskan Malamute, and honestly probably a Wolfdog

》And after ILB, Tom convinces Harper to let Dandy keep the coyote too, and it takes some time but Dan eventually is able to convince the landlord to keep him 'cause he's basically an oversized pupper

》They basically run a dog shelter and any time anyone comes over they basically Drown in Doggo (tm)

》Andy always has to get his way or Dan will FITE

》And if someone has the AUDACITY to insult Andy in front of Dan, someone's wig is boutta get snatched

》One day they're goofing off and doing that "age and gender" face recognition thing and it says that Andy looks like a 12-year-old girl-

Dan RIOTS, like he's genuinely so upset and Andy is just cracking up because it's hilarious

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY ANDY"

"KSHSKS YEAH IT IS"*

》Whenever they play basketball Andy keeps "accidentally" messing up, and vice versa with football

》ICE!!! CREAM!!! DATES!!!

》Andy gets hit on A Lot, even when Dan's around, and he gets Super Flustered and Dan is just cracking up before explaining they're together. Sometimes he'll say they're married just to make Andy Extra Flustered

》They 100% dare each other to do a lot of dumb stuff for very small rewards (i.e. seeing who can drink a whole bottle of hot sauce the fastest, blindfolded skateboarding even though neither can skateboard, "hey drink this gross concoction I made" "sure thing!")

》Neither of them can cook but you can bet your ass they both try-

Because of this, birthdays and anniversaries are usually spent at a restaurant while they wait for the smoke to clear out of the apartment

》They actually go on Real Dates like restaurants, beaches, movie theatres, bowling alleys, mini golfing, etc.

》It's 100% Dan who eventually proposes and it's probably when they're glow-in-the-dark bowling and they've doodled all over each other in highlighter so their skin glows. He gets a ring pop from one of those fancy candy dispensers and proposes with that (even though it's their shared least favourite flavour) because he Just Can't Wait

》Their eventual kid 100% becomes a vet because of all the doggos

》And when they do finally adopt it doesn't take long to adjust because Dan is already the group mom and Andy is group dad

》TOM IS THE BEST GODFATHER!!!

》Their kid is Spoiled As Fuck because their dads are literally both renowned in their fields and thus Very Rich (Andy is a big basketball star and Dan probably has three self-help books and a booming therapy business)

》Whenever they need a babysitter the ENTIRE GROUP comes to look after the kid. Shenanigans always ensue

》ICE CREAM DATES!!!!!

#choices #ilitw #it lives in the woods #play choices #it lives choices #it lives dan #it lives andy #ilitw dan #ilitw andy #andy kang #dan pierce #my edits #my writing

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chxmpionofjustice · 4 years

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STUDY : TSUKINO USAGI ♡

♡ BASICS.

♡ IS YOUR MUSE TALL / SHORT / AVERAGE? Usagi is the shortest of all of her friends. She’s 4′11″ or 150 cm and yes, she’s fun-sized.

♡ ARE THEY OKAY WITH THEIR HEIGHT? Yes and no. Her lack of height can come in handy sometimes, but it really is a pain in the butt to buy pants. She compensates with shorts and skirts and she can’t really complain because she’s looks amazing in them. And her boyfriend’s face is too far away from hers for her own liking, but standing on tip toe for a kiss feels like something out of a romance, so she can deal.

♡ WHAT’S THEIR HAIR LIKE? Long, blonde, and shiny. She tries to keep it cut to around knee/calf length but ever since she awoke as the Moon Princess, her hair seems to want to grow much farther than than of its own accord and... well it seems to get a little lighter over time. She keeps her hair up in her signature odango-and-pig-tail style on either side of her head. The hair style is held to together painstakingly with hair bands and bobby pins, all of which come out when she goes to sleep. Sometimes she’ll wear her hair in two low pigtails when she sleeps but more often than not, she lets her hair loose.

♡ DO THEY SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON THEIR HAIR / GROOMING? Hahahahahahahhahaha. What do you think? YES. Usagi’s hair is one of the few things she puts real effort into. Her hairstyle itself takes a lot of time to do (She’s got the thing down to a science but it still takes her around 10 minutes and would take anyone else a LOT longer), not to mention what she does to keep her hair healthy. Usagi has a whole basket of hair products in her room, ranging from shampoos, conditioners, hair masks, and oils. Maintaining all that hair is hard, okay?

♡ DOES YOUR MUSE CARE ABOUT THEIR APPEARANCE / WHAT OTHERS THINK? Yes and no. She definitely cares what she looks like. She loves fashion and putting together outfits so she looks kawaii wherever she’s going (this also counts work as an adult, she will be the girl in the office wearing the cutest blouse and skirt combo with a pair of adorable kitten heels and this will clearly fool everyone into thinking she can adult). But she doesn’t really do that because she cares what others think. She does that for herself, to make herself happy. And if people happen to think she looks good, well that’s a plus. She can be a little vain like that, but who isn’t?

♡ PREFERENCES.

INDOORS OR OUTDOORS? outdoors

RAIN OR SUNSHINE? sunshine

FOREST OR BEACH? beach

PRECIOUS METALS OR GEMS? gems

FLOWERS OR PERFUMES? flowers

PERSONALITY OR APPEARANCE? personality

BEING ALONE OR BEING IN A CROWD? being in a crowd

ORDER OR ANARCHY? order

PAINFUL TRUTHS OR WHITE LIES? painful truths

SCIENCE OR MAGIC? magic

PEACE OR CONFLICT? peace

NIGHT OR DAY? day

DUSK OR DAWN? dusk

WARMTH OR COLD? warmth

MANY ACQUAINTANCES OR A FEW CLOSE FRIENDS? a few close friends

READING OR PLAYING A GAME? GIVE ME GAMES OR GIVE ME DEATH

♡ QUESTIONNAIRE.

♡ WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR MUSE’S BAD HABITS? HAHAHAHA. Okay do y’all even have TIME to read this? Seriously, there are a lot. To name the biggest bad habit of hers, it’s over-indulgence. Usagi shamelessly indulges in EVERYTHING she loves to the point of excess sometimes. She’s banned from a couple buffets because of her eating habits, the girl is a black hole for food, and will eat whatever she wants to eat. She wastes money on food, mostly junk food because she doesn’t cook.

Despite the fact that she can’t cook, she will buy ANY cute appliance available for the kitchen that she can. Hello Kitty Toaster? Got it. Sailor Senshi chopsticks? GOT THE WHOLE SET (of course for when everyone comes over, they can eat with their designated chopsticks, duh). Mickey Mouse Waffle Maker? BOUGHT (Girl doesn’t know how to make waffle batter). Every single cup she owns has a character on if from some anime, movie, or manga. She even has commemorative Sailor Senshi cups too. Oh you thought it ended with the chopsticks? NOPE. She spends money on plushies, pillows, pens, bags, etc, of her and her friends and does it QUITE HAPPILY. Of course, the thing she buys the most of (besides herself)? Tuxedo Mask. Tuxedo Mask plushies. A Tuxedo Mask pillow case for a body pillow (listen don’t judge her), the rare Tuxedo Mask action figure and the Tuxedo Mask vibr-.... Well let’s just say that she doesn’t only buy every day items with his brand.

A lot of her indulgence has to do with money because she has no impulse control. If she sees a cute thing, she wants it, she buys it. Be it items or clothes. And whatever she buys usually ends up... Well, not put away. Usagi can be pretty messy (it’s a system that works for her, okay), to put it simply. And she’s messy because, to put it quite frankly, she’s kind of lazy. She’s a queen procrastinator who prefers to play games, read manga, doodle, and SLEEP rather than do homework or chores. Usagi would rather do anything under the sun except her responsibilities and everyone who knows her knows this. Boy, do they know this.

That being said, when she is facing her responsibilities as Sailor Moon, she does almost a complete 180. The Earth is her responsibility to protect and she will do anything she has to to keep it safe. Even if it means sacrificing herself. Despite how selfish she can act with certain things (food mostly, she’s like Joey, JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD), Usagi will give herself to save a life in an instant. No hesitation. Because to her every life is precious. The world is precious. So if she has to use her crystal to the point where she has no life energy left to defeat someone evil or divert an asteroid, she will. If she has to throw herself into an abyss to defeat an enemy and save everyone else, she will.

You may be asking yourself why I wrote that all out. “Altruism is a good thing!” I did it because the level of altruism she displays is destructive. To herself. She is so willing to save everyone that if she sees her own demise as the only way to keep everyone else from dying, she will let herself die. And that’s not giving up. Giving up would be going without a fight. Usagi is gonna fight until her very last breath and that’s gonna be what takes her. Unless someone can come up with a way to save everyone where she won’t have to do that, there’s no stopping her, either.

♡ HAS YOUR MUSE LOST ANYONE CLOSE TO THEM? HOW HAS IT AFFECTED THEM? Yes and no. Usagi and her friends have all died more than once. Losing them and Mamoru the first time it happened was absolutely devastating to her. She still has nightmares of seeing their bodies lifelessly laying in the snow. Of watching Mamoru, her prince, die in her arms and then be taken away from her only to become a pawn for the enemy.

The first deaths are the hardest to get over.

And then watching one by one as her friends were taken by the Black Moon (she only BARELY saved Venus, if she didn’t have Mina-P with her, she doesn’t know if she would have been able to go on like she did), her future daughter was corrupted so heinously that she took her own father hostage for her own amusement, and then Sailor Pluto’s death.

I won’t even get into how Galaxia practically vaporized Mamoru in front of her and she was so traumatized that she wiped it from her own memory and was convinced he got on the plane to America. Or how Galaxia also did the same to her friends. There are nights Usagi wakes up in tears with the awful inability to breathe and the only thing that can calm her down is hearing their voices.

She clings tight to Mamoru when anyone gives him an all too appreciative lingering look (seriously, the man is too pretty for his own good, he attracts so many bad guys) because god forbid they end up turning out to be something evil and try to take him away from her.

The long and the short of it is that Usagi definitely has some form of PTSD. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

♡ WHAT ARE SOME FOND MEMORIES YOUR MUSE HAS? Usagi had a sunny life and continues to live wearing rose-tinted glasses even when she has to stop and save the world now and then. She has so many fond memories of growing up like playing dress up with her mom, meeting Naru in primary school, playing in parks and going to the beach with her family. She has even fonder memories of meeting her best friends, her sisters in arms, in middle school.

And, despite how it ended, sometimes Usagi likes to think on some of the memories from her past life in the Silver Millennium. How she and the senshi would spend day after day with each other. Memories of her mother doting on her and of extravagant balls held in opulent ballrooms. Memories of meeting the beautiful prince of Earth and of the first time she felt his lips on hers.

She has an awful lot to sort through.

♡ IS IT EASY FOR YOUR MUSE TO KILL? Hell no. She struggles with that idea. The only time she kills is when the enemy has shown their truest form and she has no choice. Otherwise, Usagi will do her damnedest to save everyone. The bad guy included. Because everyone deserves a second chance to do the right thing.

♡ WHAT’S IT LIKE WHEN YOUR MUSE BREAKS DOWN? Usagi is known for being a crybaby. We establish this early on when we meet her. So one would think her break downs are loud and dramatic because that’s how she is when she cries. That’s... Not strictly true though. When Usagi breaks down, really breaks down, its because she’s holding onto her pain quietly. Usagi breaks down with silent tears and full body sobs. She breaks down with trembling hands and their white knuckle grip on her pillow that she’s holding against her face to muffle when she can’t be quiet anymore.

She breaks down alone.

When someone finds her and tries to comfort her, it can go one of two ways, either she’ll just keep letting it out and allow herself to be comforted, or she’ll suck it all back in, put a stopper in it and assure whomever it is that she’s fine, really, she was just crying because Lawsons didn’t have any more red velvet cake, honestly.

When Usagi breaks down, she’s at her lowest emotionally, usually feeling horrible about herself. That’s a point that you’d think would be particularly difficult for her to get to right? Right?

♡ IS YOUR MUSE CAPABLE OF TRUSTING SOMEONE WITH THEIR LIFE? She literally does this all the time. Usagi is an amazing judge of character. Not counting her senshi, Usagi has put her life in the hands of people that her allies considered untrustworthy multiple times. And she was right to trust every single one of them. The first one being Tuxedo Mask, then the Outer Senshi. After that, Hotaru. Helios. The Starlights. Usagi knows when she can trust someone with her life and yes, yes, YES, she is very capable of doing it.

♡ WHAT’S YOUR MUSE LIKE WHEN THEY’RE IN LOVE? Haaaaaaaaaaaa, gosh. Usagi in love is... She loves with her whole self. Usagi is not good at hiding her emotions, even when she’s trying to hold them in. She’s the definition of ‘heart on your sleeve’ because she’s so very open with her emotions and she doesn’t know any other way to be.

When Usagi is in love, you can take one look at her with the person she loves and it’s obvious. We’re talkin’ heart eyes muthafucka. She’s clingy, likes to touch and be affectionate a lot. And, this goes back to her indulgence thing, she has no problem letting her person know she wants them when she wants them and indulging in that. She’s not subtle in anything with her love.

She is very physical in her love, but that’s because that’s how she is. But being in love is also tender. Kisses pressed into sleep warm skin, banter and giggles over breakfast (that the other person made because once again, ya girl cannot COOK), cuddling on the couch or in bed while having soft conversations or talking about their day, going out to spend the day at the park or where ever for a day date, romantic dinners in her favorite restaurants or, even better, at home. It’s secret smiles and softened eyes and soft brushes of skin. It’s being completely open and endlessly patient when the other person can’t be just yet. Usagi in love is both in-your-face and achingly tender.

And yes, I know that Usagi had heart eyes when she saw Rei. Listen. Usagi has a big heart. Like a humongous heart. She falls in love easily. She could say she’s in love with her ice cream and totally mean it, okay? Usagi loves with all of herself and that’s not just romantically. But the type of “in love” Usagi can be in, because of her heart, can seem fickle, even when it’s not to her. Just because she started loving one thing doesn’t mean she doesn’t love something else just as fiercely.

♡ TAGGED BY: @adversitybloomed ♡ TAGGING : WHO EVER WANTS TO TBH

#about usagi;;#dash games;;#GABBY THIS TOOK ME 3 HOURS #AND I DO NOT EVEN CARE ABOUT THE READ MORE AT THIS POINT #DEAL WITH THE LONG POST Y'ALL.

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anyu-blue · 3 years

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Busy as a bee

*sigh*

I had this big long thing typed up.. it's all gone now. That's twice it's happened. Let's see if third time's the charm.

It was about my trying to figure out how to talk about the shit I've been going through without just dumping it all on someone and having it be totally unjustified too...

I'm mad at my dad. I'm mad at Tevs... I'm mad at myself.

Basically...I'm frustrated that I'm seen as so much lesser than everyone else.

I know it's like 'no you're not!! You only think you are!! They love you!!' ... I've been smacked both literally and figuratively for saying 'you guys treat me different/unfairly compared to x'... But.. gods at this point I. Just. CAN'T keep believing them or telling myself that when the evidence is right in front of me. I feel like I must have done something REALLY BAD and BIG for everyone to pull away so hard... But at the same time... I... Can't figure what it is or how. I've asked too, but the closet I've gotten to an answer is 'You're too much, Meek.'

I know I sorta... Became a worse recluse than I was (kinda I'm response to that. Trying so hard NOT to be too much)... But I kept telling and telling and telling I was available and offering what I could and more... I kept trying to deal- if I need something I would provide in return, just name the price... Did I forget or fail to follow through with something? Or something? No one can think of anything to tell me that didn't have a legitimate reason if ever I did (as good as or better than they have given me) that I shared up front and sometimes in advance with them. I even went into detail about what might happen if I am asked for help on a bad day- I tend to be a bit grumpy if woken up, but will still be there to help and will apologize for any harshness as I am going about it. I do that- but... Nothing.. and every single person has offered and practically forced (in W0lfie's case) all of the stuff I've asked for onto anyone but me. Need help finding/getting a good word in for work! Sure!! *Gives me links to indeed and Job service sites I'm already on/refuses to say my application is in the mix for positions at their workplaces or downright says they don't know if I'm a good worker even though I gave them my sick day and late count and all that fun stuff to pass off or downright doesn't tell me there's a good opening they know about*

Oh such-and-such is happy where they're at? So-and-so Can't hold a job because they keep quitting? *Gives information about good jobs and puts in a good word for them and sticks their neck out to get them hired.. is surprised when the offer is rejected by the family that says they're already okay with their current work or the unreliable friend they got hired quits*... Oh woe is me, I need help and there's no one to turn to!! *Refuses to call me knowing I have the day off, have my phone on, and have said I'm free that day... Asks literally every other person even the ones that demand payment for the job or can only do a part of it.. or just ends up doing it themselves by dropping another important obligation instead of calling me*

The most common excuse for that last one is. 'oh I didn't want to make you more stressed.'

Um... I offered? I was here the whole time? What...?

*sigh*

I suppose I wouldn't be thinking of that stuff or be so upset by it all except for the fact I'm told these things and then I'm shown (and told) this last week people think I'm EXTREMELY lazy...

My dad and everyone else wants me to/thinks I should work more than 3 days a week... Or should get on disability if it's 'that hard.' Obviously they've never tried and seen THAT shit show... I have looked into it. Not only have I gotten treated like something to be disgusted by friends, family, medical professionals, and jobs alike (because it's oh so despicable to be on social security while young and spry- even though I have medically frail on my damn chart I'm apparently 'young and spry'- fuck you) when I've tried to pursue it, also being on it ISN'T a cake walk.. the restrictions. The WORK you have to do (and the work you can't do!! I'm right in the middle and technically can work too much for disability, but not enough for getting by on my own). The shit you have to go through... My own therapist told me some programs I could pursue would put me further behind where I am and I could possibly never get out... And she was the one that pushed me to get foodstamps, so it's not like she thinks they're hooey...

My dad thinks me working 3 days a week and refusing to do more lest I break down all the time is just.. lazy.. unfortunate... Stupid. He wants me to take all these homeowners and car buying and loan classes... Like I'm EVER going to be able to afford a single one of those things.. or think it's a good idea to throw down $25-$150 a pop for a class, let alone spend 8 hours taking one (I'd love to and think they're amazing things, but uh...)... Like somehow it'll 'convince' me to 'work harder'.

DUDE.

What.

The.

FUCK.

Is WRONG with you?!

I get it... I seriously can't work more days a week. If I do, I completely spiral out of control from the pressure as well as the guilt from spiraling and and.. you get the idea. I just do. I know I do. And I found my balance in 3 days on.

It's pretty easy to think 4 days off are, well.. 4 days off. 4 days to play. 4 days of freedom. But... I make things... I've made two blankets already. One more I'm working on.. usually AT work because I'm so busy. Birthday gifts. Christmas gifts. Holiday gifts. Trying to do commissions too to get more money in. Also.. em... I'm usually awake during the day to.. make appointments because my health is just a mess.. helping the friends that HAVE asked for help... Running errands because I can't at night (partly due to Covid changing everything's hours)... Or if I HAPPEN to get to.. I'm sleeping because I'm on a night schedule.. at night if anyone had need of me I'd be right there!! But guess what, THEY are sleeping. If I actually have a night off (which I haven't in nearly a month now because I CAN go over to my friend who needs help's house at 5 in the morning.. after I drop W0lfie off at work or I'd be there sooner.) I'm DOING things. Wednesday itself happens to be dedicated to FIXING my sleep schedule that I screwed doing everything my sisters need or want me to do during the day... It's up to ME to screw MY sleep so THEY can get or have what they need/want... Never mind they refuse (with legitimate reasons) to do the same for me (though I have legitimate reasons I could say no as well, but ooooh I'm the 'bad guy').

*rubs face* I'm so busy my mind and body is screaming at me in pain. Sooo lazy 🙄

But yet I'm shit because I refuse to work more.

Idk what it is, okay? I. Don't. Know. Maybe it's the fact that I'm Autistic and something overloads that hasn't been address like ever and so has only gotten worse (this is my guess), or the PTSD is doing something (my therapist's guess--- which not to derail but WHO ELSE IS IN THERAPY IN MY FAMILY?! you want to guess? That's right, NO ONE... No one is even TRYING to deal with theirs, and I don't just mean the pandemic. Big sister had it as bad, if not worse than I did. Refuses. Dad and step mom knows they do. Little sister scared. Little bro disinterested. 'There's no time' or 'costs too much' despite several having free sessions available to them via their job and Heath insurance- with multiple options- and everyone but little sister making more than they ever have in their lives on top of relying on others to pay any bills they can't keep up on... GRR).. or something else that just makes me become such a wreck. I hate it more than anyone else, you know.. because I have to live with it AND everyone telling me how lazy and lucky and entitled and how 'much' I am.

...

And you want to know what sparked all of this?

Tevs worked a 12+ hour day that ended up having me woken up by the cats that hadn't been fed.

Let me explain... Tevs and I got into it badly after I was continually deprived of sleep because she was working so much and blaming me for 'making' her deal with stuff at home I didn't even know were problems. She continued to explode and explode and treat W0lfie and I TERRIBLY after work as well AND continually told our other friends and family she so desperately needed a vacation and LESS work, and just kept pulling 10, 11, 13 hour days she didn't have to... All while not eating or drinking or having bathroom breaks... and I was DONE with it. I have and had offered to do more, just need to be directed on what needs to be done that I can do while they're asleep (duh) so she had no leg to stand on there... With the rest... She promised to not work more than 10 hour shifts (agreed upon because I have a 10hr shift at work with no breaks too) AND to either let us know in advance if she was going to be late so I could feed the cats, or have someone do SOMETHING to get the cats fed so they weren't deliberately jumping on me to wake me up... You know.. communicate a little more. Do a little better so she wasn't killing herself working. She promised.

Well..

Apparently (new information to me) a promise and Tevs giving her word.. are two different things. Promises don't matter. Giving her word had weight.

What. The. Fuck.

So MY getting upset this last week that not only was she working more than 10 hours... Not only did she not tell anyone about it.. not only did the cats come to wake me up (after I had FINALLY fallen asleep a short while before due to just how BUSY I was that day, and it was Wednesday 😭)... But she also REFUSED to speak to ANYONE and tell her where she was/that she was safe- completely and deliberately ghosting everyone... Until she showed up at my dad's house 12+ hours after the start of her shift in which she didn't eat, didn't drink, and didn't use the bathroom for the entirely duration..

...

I was told to back off. That my upset was unfounded. That I was just like our horrible mother and I was just trying to control her life.

Does that sound right to you?

It does to my dad. I would wager my step mom. All of their friends. And of course Tevs.

Nevermind that W0lfie was just as freaked out and upset... That she actually has a front row seat as to what I go through now/how hard I try to be kind and careful and respectful and relaxed and NOT controlling and finally gets it... And that she's now directly effected by all of it too... And agrees this is MESSED UP as hell...

No.

I'm shit. I need to work more. I need to move out and be on my own. I need to not rely on anyone. I am 'too much'.

Where did it all go wrong?

I now understand exactly why I felt and still do feel unloved. It's because of this stuff... I got smacked and told I was never alone or on my own.. that I had so much support and help... but.. well.. yes I was. My mind and abilities and more belittled or looked over in favor of others to bring up. Everyone is guilty of doing this to me in my family. I won't go into details because it's a lot. Many times.. many bad ones... Often I was told my reality wasn't the truth too. How is that supportive? I appreciate every bit they have ever done for me, but trying to point out where they fell (just like all people do).. I'm suddenly the most ungrateful thing ever.

My own parents rely on each other AND a third party (their son) to pay the bills... My dad's siblings both live with his parents... My step mom's family members live with each other and rely on one another to get bills paid.... Not a single one is forced or really suggested to go room with randos if they can't do it on their own. It was brought up to W0lfie that it's an option for her this last week... But guess fucking what she got that I didn't AS WELL as that.. "We'll always have a place for you here."

I did get that when I was younger and nearly kicked out for refusing to tell my mother I was Trans. I eventually caved, but, HA they didn't believe me. That mess was sorted out.. messily and I got to stay... Lucky me... Not to mention the fact that only NOW I might finally be able to just accept it and not closet myself for the sake of everyone else because I'm THAT done.. yay therapy. I'll accept being non-binary because I can never actually be a man the way anyone around me will ever accept or believe.. but I'm not accepting 'being a woman'. Screw you peeps XP

...

I don't get that kind of support because I'm their eyes.. I'm too much. Should be able to do it on my own. Too lazy. Too awful as Tevs has managed to paint by completely omitting important details.. I can't say things in a few words. I just can't. Because this is exactly what happens... But regardless.. that's all she ever shares. Just enough I'm a monster. I'm sick and tired of it.

Reminds me...

My dad and mom and the rest of our family would never get birthday gifts or holiday cards or anything if I wasn't around. Same with our siblings. I remember. I make. I remind. I push. But... They don't even know about that. About what I try to do for them that gets twisted to look like it's all Tev's doing because I often can't make it to deliver it myself... And when I do idk.. I guess I do it wrong or something because it's so... Blah of a response.. like they think I'm NOT responsible for it and just taking credit... That hurts. A LOT.

...

I'm going to try. One more time. Once more. With Tevs. Give her one more chance to make and keep her word. To not bulldoze and make excuses and talk me up like some sort of unreasonable monster if/when she doesn't... And one more chance for my parents to hear me out. Get the full story. Get my feelings and experiences in return. On Monday I might have a chance to lay it all out. Maybe. I want to try. And if I get the same treatment.. well.. I think they might just be cut out of my life if I finally make it out on my own like they want. (Hopefully something income based will open up for me.. hopefully... I'm considering looking into a different city altogether to well and truly get away from them.. but that would depend on getting a job too.. bluh)

Ah that's a another thing too though.. the thing is.. I CAN work. I CAN pull 7 days a week, 16 hour days without spiraling!!! Making. I am a crafter. If making dresses or cosplays or embroidering or making blankets or trinkets or... If I was able to do THAT.. I could work and work and work no problem... Maybe even drawing..

But with the stress of this job and my other obligations, I can barely touch those things to even get started... Stick in the rut.. and materials are so expensive if I need anything extra I hit a roadblock... Totally locked in... And it breaks my heart...

I'm not lazy... I'm in the wrong job 😞

#personal #random #life in general #stress #life #long #rant

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