#((I feel like i'm getting sucked back into bad habits and that upsets me.))

[prettyboysdontlookatexplosions]

to me the magicians is largely a show about how terrible it is to be 23 both in the sense that it sucks so bad and in the sense that 23-year-olds suck so bad (confidential to 23-year-olds reading this: not you, dear, but also, check back once you've gone through your saturn return), so it's very rare that any of the characters do anything that actually bothers much less upsets me because i'm like, the terribleness is the point and much of the joy for me. but we all have our individual pressure points so for the sake of the historical record here is a complete list of times the characters in the magicians do something i dislike:

julia: in the pilot when she tells quentin "you're good at so many things, just pick one!" to me that is not only the meanest thing julia ever says or does to quentin it is maybe the meanest thing anyone ever does to anyone at any point on the entire show. like julia i love you more than life itself but can we maybe let a bitch live

quentin: there's a specific quality to the all-in earnest dorkiness with which he approaches the quest that i just cannot handle. it makes me want to walk into the screen and place my hands on his shoulders and look him in the eye and say "this is why you had no friends in high school." like at a certain point your inability to read the room becomes my problem and that's the point at which even though i would very literally lay down my life for yours i cannot even look you in the eye

alice: when she's super obnoxious and condescending to harriet about signing/communication/etc. this one gets an asterisk because i actually think that scene is good writing in that it's in character with what we know of alice and her flaws to be super weird about a deaf person and i think she is meant to come across as unpleasantly in the wrong and i like it when a show gives its protagonists such genuine types of behavioral errors. but it does make me viscerally uncomfortable to watch

josh: one of the less sung about hate crimes near the end of season 4 is josh chuckling to himself about how margo thinks she's mad at him but really she's mad at herself because he like superhumanly divines her emotional architecture because they've banged twice or whatever. this one gets an asterisk in the opposite direction because i feel like everything i (a known proponent of Josh Rights) enjoy about josh is down to the joshness of josh and everything i don't enjoy about josh is bad writing fueled by heterosexuality brain poison so it feels like i'm holding it against him unfairly when actually the real josh would not do that and it's just that the writers are bad. but that moment makes me feel like we need to send him to the guillotine immediately so on the list it goes

kady: kady doesn't matter enough to rise to the level of bothering me. sorry kady i love the version of you that exists in the universe written by writers who gave a shit

margo: i feel like i had one for margo at some point but i can't remember what it was. i guess i wish she were a little less anti-democracy once established upon the throne but i also read a lot of that as an outgrowth of her habit of being the tough bitch partly because she's worried about eliot getting his ass killed so.... eh

penny: literally nothing ever not even once not even for a second. i tried to think of one and i couldn't. and like i know that he does things on screen that are morally bad or simply not nice or whatever. but i'm like physically incapable of being upset by penny he brings me too much joy it cannot be cancelled out by ethical qualms or empathy for anyone else i'm a simple woman i see his beautiful face and i am at peace. he deserves to be a huge asshole to everyone all the time for no real reason, as a treat and also because it's soooooo funny. i would not want him to change a thing

eliot: ok like literally mind your business about margo's bush this is not being an ally!!!!!!

#the magicians

[icedmatchatae]

Glimpse of Us | KTH Chapter V: Same Old, Different New

Pairing: Problematic Idol Taehyung x Grad Student Reader

Genre: Idol AU, Ex-Childhood Best Friends into—, Angst (Hello, welcome to my angst central), Fluff (mainly in the flashbacks), Slow Burn, Eventual Smut

Summary: BTS’s V has been living a lavished and successful lifestyle, but underneath all of that, Kim Taehyung is far from the perfect image the media and fans made him out to be. All he wants is to relive the feelings of happiness and purpose in his life, but how can he when he left behind those memories years ago? The same memories, he hopes to see a glimpse of.

Warning: Underage alcohol consumption (in the flashback), everyone is basically in this chapter pls bear with me lol

Word Count: 11.5k

A/N: I'm so sorry for not posting last night HHHH I got sucked into doing something last minute but please enjoy!

Chapter V: Same Old, Different New || Series Masterlist

“Hyungie, open up.” You say as you held a spoonful of fish stew in front of your ill bedridden best friend.

Being at the ripe age of nine, Taehyung thought it was a good idea to play on one of the days of Geochang’s rainy season. Being his best friend, you were easily influenced despite the protests of both his parents and your grandparents. You both thought they were just there to ruin your fun, but in reality, it was to protect you because days after you got sick but not Taehyung for some miracle.

However, Taehyung made it his goal to take care of you such as feeding you, tucking you in bed, putting a cold cloth on your heated forehead, and giving you disgusting ginger lemon tea to help your sore throat.

Eventually, you got better within the week, but it was Taehyung’s turn to get sick and you immediately felt bad that he got it from you. Nonetheless, you made it your goal as well to care for your best friend.

Taehyung opened his mouth and took in the delicious content. He was pampered by the Gods, or in this case, you. You did the same thing, but better—his words, not yours. You fluffed his pillows, cuddled with him since you were immune to any sickness, and scratched his scalp to his liking.

“You’re the best at taking care of me.” He cheesed, wiggling in happiness under his blankets.

“Not as much as you did with me! Look I’m better!” You countered, giving him more spoonfuls of soup. “Plus, I’m the one who got you sick…”

“True, but I would be upset if it were anyone else. You’re an exception.” He reassured you. “If I got it from Eunjeong and Sungyeon, there would be problems.” You laughed at his sayings.

“You’re such a mean eldest brother.” You joked to which he pouted. “But you’re the best of best friends.”

The sides of his lips lifted upwards forming his rectangular smile. “Impossible. You’re number one, Blue.”

You hummed and shrugged, “Maybe to you. But you’re number one to me.” You tilted the bowl towards him, so he can finish it all up. He slurped the remaining in the dish and gasped in satisfaction, thanking you a million times more.

“Taehyung, stop. You don’t need to do that.” You pushed away the chopsticks holding a piece of tuna that Taehyung pushed in front of your face.

The morning arrived sooner than you liked and the hospital was filled with more murmurs and rushing health professionals from behind the door of your room. You were tired as hell, but the nurse suggested you eat first before going back to sleep. You were assigned to eat three meals daily due to your previous eating habits, so the tray before you had all the nutrients you needed for breakfast.

Though you expected to be alone by now, Taehyung was still right by your side. It made you curious that he was here and not at home. Didn’t he have like…a busy life as an idol? Now he was trying to feed you food.

You were a bit embarrassed by it but more so uncomfortable at how he was being. You remembered how you used to take care of one another when the other was sick, but this was different.

“But you need to eat, Blue.” He frowned. “Plus lemme take care of you like when we were younger.” He pushed, but the blank stare in your demeanor made him put the utensils down. You sighed in relief so that you could finally eat on your own.

“Don’t call me Blue. I may have said yes but you haven’t earned anything yet for you to call me that. That was before and now is different. Do you understand me? I also can eat for myself, it’s not like my limbs aren’t working. I’m grown too.” You informed with a stern tone as you mouthed a spoonful of rice. You saw him frown, biting his lip and nodding. You hated that you felt guilty for being cruel but it was true. You couldn’t let him in that easily. “But I appreciate what you’re doing for me. You know you can leave right?” You eased him, noticing how tensed he was before.

He nodded before licking his lips as a habit. “I know, but I don’t want you to be alone here. I remember how you get…”

He did it again, but this time you let it slide. You scrunched your face at the hard reality of those words. You really hated being by yourself, especially in new environments. You’ve been in Seoul for a little over half a year, but everywhere you went didn’t seem as right. Most likely because you were alone for the majority of the time, but you couldn’t do anything so you had to suck it up and get used to it.

“Thank you again.” You told him, politely smiling.

“No need to thank me, Bl—I mean, ___.” He chuckled nervously as he watched you eat more and more, looking appreciative at how you were stuffing your cheeks.

The atmosphere was somewhat awkward, but it wasn’t as bad as before. It just…needed some getting used to again. Taehyung was a person you held many memories with, then he vanished for years and now he was back, so it was difficult to approach it without acknowledging the gap and distance between you two. But hey, it was something.

“So…” You cleared your throat. “How long do I have to be here?”

“I told them a month because you needed to rest, but I knew you would complain…”

“And you’re right about that.” You responded, sipping on some orange juice.

“So the doctors compromised with two weeks,” Taehyung informed as he drank his hot chocolate. You pondered that he was still anti-coffee after all these years, but never told him.

“Two weeks is too long. I don’t have any illness or broken anything really. I still have work and scho—”

“While you were out, Kenji and Seojoon Hyung were with me before they left for the night. Kenji told me to tell you that you’re off until you were in stable condition.” He reported as he leaned back into his chair.

“But—”

“He also mentioned that I should fight you until you agreed. His words, not mine.” The idol grinned, remembering the little complaint the younger man displayed. But then the smile vanished as to why he took the advice from someone that barely knew you. Also though Kenji meant no harm, it felt like poison in the idol’s veins every time you interacted with your coworker.

You slapped your palms over your eyes and groaned. “Then he mustn’t know how expensive staying at a hospital is. It’s gonna cost me a for—”

“No, I paid for everything.” He shook his head before you looked at him flabbergasted.

Your jaw dropped as you blinked dumbly, “No, you shouldn’t have. Stop—”

“Why not? ___, you haven’t taken care of yourself properly. You were literally dehydrated and starving yourself, in addition to putting all this unnecessary stress on you. Kenji told me you’re working seven days now while still in school!” Why did Kenji know so much about you? Taehyung grew concerned and wanted to know who your coworker exactly was. “I know we’re still in a weird purgatory with our friendship that we rekindled three hours ago, but I still care for you, if not more than before, whether or not we grew apart. I don’t like when you do this to yourself, you of all people should know. It’s not healthy, and you know I’m right.”

He was scolding, and you were pissed, but you couldn’t deny that he was right. Similar events happened like this where you would faint in school or at home. They weren’t chronic, but it was mainly due to having so much stress at a very young age. Your body went into overdrive at certain points where it couldn’t handle thus blacking out. Stressors came from socializing, helping your family farm on the weekends, your elderly grandparents aging, studying in school, the list could go on and vary by the person.

Taehyung was there for almost all of your fainting and stood by you while holding your hand to ensure that you weren’t feeling as stressed. He’d scold you, kinda like now, but it was because he was worried. He tried doing the most for you, whether it was being the first to speak to someone, to helping you on the farm to assisting you and your grandparents with some daily stretches, to reduce muscle tension.

“Y—you’re right…” You exhaled as you glanced at him. His pupils dilated with his lips apart, surprised that you were being levelheaded with him rather than yelling. “This was my first faint in Seoul, so I’m sure everyone except you didn’t know what to do.”

Taehyung hummed faintly before his eyebrows pushed together, “Did you faint after…you know…I—” He hated mentioning it, but it happened. Fortunately, you knew what he was talking about so you nodded.

“A lot during my undergraduate years actually…” This brought an aching frown onto the idol’s face. “I was never alone though. I had roommates who helped and it was usually surrounded by crowds. Although it was sometimes too much for them…”

Saturated silence covered the room, though it was even lighter compared to a couple of minutes ago. Maybe it was that you were both “catching up,” but this wasn’t something you’d expect with “catching up.”

Nevertheless, Taehyung reached for your hand and opened your palm out. Using his thumbs, he applied pressure to it, thumbing down your skin. He has done this before as past time while you were both doing nothing but having your quality time. “I wish for you to never go through with that again. If so, I hope that it would happen when you’re with me.” He spoke timidly, being careful with his wording. “Please take care of yourself. I don’t wanna see you in a hospital again unless you’re giving birth.”

You rolled your eyes and scoffed as you tried hiding the laughter within you, “You’re a shithead, you know that?”

“Mmm, no. I’ve heard asshole and dick.” He shrugged as a light smirk formed on his lips. You looked away as you continued finishing your food. “But I really am serious when I say to take care of yourself. Now if you want me to take c—”

“I’m not making you do that.”

“Then you take care of yourself.” He stated. “Saying you’re a grown woman, yet you drink three cans of Coke as a meal??”

You pouted, having no comeback so you finally let it go and agreed. “Fine, but the hospital bill. You didn’t need to do that.”

“I want to and I can. It’s all part of caring for you, okay?”

You sighed before nodding. You were still careful of him, but you accepted his presence back into your life. Improvements were being made slowly but surely. You wondered how this would go.

The nurse came by again to give Taehyung a complimentary meal. Perks of being an idol you assumed but as she settled the tray down, she turned her head to say, “By the way, Mr. Kim. There’s someone outside of the room. She said she has been notified by one of the people on the entry list for Miss ___.”

Before Taehyung could even speak, you interjected. “It’s probably Halmeoni. Kenji must have told her where I was and wanted to check up on me. Send her in.”

The nurse has a puzzled expression but merely nodded as she left the room. Taehyung shifted back at you and said, “You have a nice boss…”

“Well, ye—” You barely completed your sentence as the door slammed open, flinching you and Taehyung. Your eyes searched for the sound, then creased your forehead at this newcomer. She was definitely not Halmeoni, not even being a Halmeoni. 

But Taehyung knew exactly who she was. Her hair was tied up in a ponytail, dressed in her athleisure wear, yet sported a YSL crossbody bag. Her face writhed with frustration, but eyes bounced off of him and you, someone who she doesn’t know.

The idol got up from his seat and faced his body to his girlfriend. “C-Clara—“

“Tae, where have you been? You’ve been gone the entire night and missed our morning walk together.” Clara complained as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Since you were with Seojoon Oppa, I called him and ask where you were and he said the hospital. I came right away thinking you were hurt, but the front desk told me you were a visitor and—”

Her eyes landed on you. Nothing on you or your face screamed familiarity to her mind. Her brain couldn’t click at the sight of you, but her thoughts questioned who were you and how you knew her boyfriend. But despite looking rather sickly, the socialite deemed the visual of South Korea thought you were pretty.

Intimidatingly and competitively pretty.

“Who’s she?” Clara simply asked Taehyung who was practically a goldfish.

No thoughts were running through his mind right now. He didn’t expect to let his girlfriend meet his childhood best friend. If anything, that was at the very bottom of his thoughts list. Yet it still happened…earlier than he wanted, and when did he want it? Never at all.

Judging by her behavior, questions, and the worried look plastered on her face, you recollected the subtle memory of Jungkook revealing that Taehyung had a girlfriend of five years.

This was probably the girlfriend in front of you.

Unnoticeably to the two, you scrutinized her. You bit the inside of your cheeks. She looked familiar, probably someone famous but not in the entertainment industry. Regardless, she was drop-dead gorgeous, making you feel a bit insecure. So this was Taehyung’s type? Huh, couldn’t blame him. He was always uniquely handsome, a stunning visual.

But he was being an idiot right now by not answering his girlfriend’s question. You didn’t want her to accuse you of something. She looked approachable—kinda not really—, but your intuition says she could use her power over you.

So you decided to step in. “You must be…” Her irises diverted to you again as your brain worked its magic. “Clara, his girlfriend? Taehyung has told me so much about you.”

The idol finally resumed as he snapped back towards you with a stupefied look. The both of you knew it was a straight-up lie, but you eyed him out before laying them back on his pissed-off girlfriend and smiled. “I must say you’re very pretty and graceful in person.”

All of sudden, the tension peeled off her body when a smile formed on her. “He has?” She cooed as she stepped closer to the bed. You nodded and grinned. Fuck, you were prettier up close, an approachable and family-winning face, she thought. “Tae, aren’t you gonna introduce me to her? I mean she already knows bu—”

You giggled and Clara couldn’t help but observe your every move. Meanwhile, Taehyung rolled his eyes but guessed it was time. “So Clara, this is ___ ___. She’s my childhood best friend from Geochang.” He presented you with such precision, hiding an exciting smile. But then glanced at Clara who kept her stare at you. “___, this is Na Clara. My…girlfriend.”

“Childhood best friend?” The socialite pointed out before looking at her boyfriend. “You never told me you had a childhood best friend.”

Taehyung scratched the back of his head, not out of nervousness but you could sense a bit of irritation, but Clara doesn’t notice a thing. “Uhh, we had a falling out before I debuted. I thought it was over…But we met again a couple of weeks back when I was out with Seojoon Hyung and Wooshik Hyung.”

“Oh, so it’s been a while since you reunited with her?” Clara questioned, biting her pink-coated lips. “Why didn’t you tell me about her now, at least?”

Taehyung seemed appalled at her behavior. “Why does it—”

Oh, no. You refused to listen to this potential fight, so you butted it again. “Uhh, I’m practically irrelevant in his life now. He’s right about the childhood best friend, but it’s more was. I’m just an acquaintance. It was nice of him to visit—“

“___, you’re not irrelevant.” Taehyung gloomed, but you didn’t care as you were trying to save his ass.

“Either way, it was nice meeting you. I hope to see you again.” You greeted the socialite before glaring at the idol. “I think you should go and say whatever you have to say elsewhere.” As if you conversed this with him through your mind, he got the gist that you didn’t want to see an argument happening. Yet his eyes widened for a sign of your reassurance of being alone. “I’ll be fine, I promise. Kenji texted that he’ll visit later today.” It was another white lie, but he may come knowing how much his grandparents would nag him to bring you homemade dishes. 

Taehyung’s eye twitched at the mention of Kenji. He wanted to say a thing or two but restrained himself as he wasn’t in a position to do so. So he gave in and nodded. “Be safe, okay? If you need anything, just text me.”

“Don’t worry so much, Mr. Big-Shot Idol. I’ll be fine.” You smiled comfortingly, which eased Taehyung.

“It was nice meeting you too!” Clara spoke back, waving goodbye. “Maybe we can hang out sometime.”

You didn’t know if you wanted that, but you nodded civilly. You began to question if bringing Taehyung back into your life was the right decision.

-

“I can’t believe you fucking came!” Taehyung banged the front door open, stomping inside and through the entranceway. Clara closed the door behind her and rushed behind him. She watched as he paced around the living room, not caring if he had shoes inside the house. “Barging into the room like that, have you no shame at all?”

“I do have shame! Why’d you think I waited outside until I got permission.” Clara reasoned.

“Didn’t Hyung tell you that I wasn’t hurt?”

“No, he told me that you’ve been at the hospital the whole night if you weren’t back home.” She explained. He groaned at Seojoon’s choice of words. “He didn’t say anything else because I hung up and came rushing! You had me worried sick! I thought something happened to you!”

“Well, I’m fine as you can fucking see.” The idol said sardonically.

Clara sighed, trying to be as rational as possible. “So, that girl…what even happened anyway?”

Taehyung slummed himself onto the couch and ran his fingers through his disheveled hair. 

“She fainted at work because of exhaustion and stress. She tends to do that, so I had to make sure she’s fine since she has no family in Seoul.”

The socialite wrinkled her face, gathering more questions. “And she really is your childhood best friend? You’re not ch—”

“Why do you always think I’m cheating if I encounter another girl or hang out with anyone but you?” The idol retorted as he puts pressure on his temples. “I gave you no fucking reason for you to accuse me of cheating. Don’t you trust me?”

“I do! I ju—”

“You just nothing.” He interrupted. “Don’t stay shit like that if there’s no reason.”

“I’m sorry! It’s just…” She bit her lips, rubbing her bicep at his statement. “She’s really pretty, Taehyung.”

Taehyung squinted his eyes at her, incredulous to say the least. “How do you even want me to respond to that? Aren’t you like getting compliments and praise left and right? This was never an issue?”

Her face twisted then shrugged, “It’s not. I’m just saying…How long have you known her?”

Taehyung protruded his lips out, debating if he should tell her. He wasn’t necessarily against sharing things about you, but it was different with his…girlfriend. It didn’t feel right to do so, Taehyung knew deep down.

However, if he wanted you to be back in his life, this also meant showing you to others who were a part of his life after you, including Clara and his other members. He couldn’t keep you all to himself. He felt iffy about it, but he had to no matter what. “Well, if you must know, we’ve known each other for almost twenty years. But I haven’t seen her for nearly half of it. She’s known Kim Taehyung before all of this.”

Clara had something in her eyes that Taehyung couldn’t figure out. Wondering? Curious? Jealous? It was difficult to explain, but he didn’t think it was a bad sign. To save his brain all the trouble, she finally spoke. “How do you feel meeting her again?”

The idol was taken aback, not expecting her to ask that. It was weird but somewhat appreciative. “Uhh, it’s good? She kinda hates me, but she’s willing to be friends again.”

“Why would you say she hates you?”

“Like what was said earlier, we had a falling out.”

“Why?”

“Jesus, how many questions do you have?” He fussed.

“She’s literally the only person who knew you the longest other than your family. She probably knows everything about you and I’m curious.” She casually replied.

“Maybe more than she admits though…” He mumbled and she couldn’t get what he said. But before she could ask him, he went ahead and said, “We had a falling out because I was a complete dick to her and basically ignored her after moving to Seoul.”

Taehyung closed his eyes, not knowing how painful it must have been for you. You needed him, but he wasn’t there for you. The guilt oozed inside him. Though he couldn’t make it up, he hoped that he could rekindle your friendship and regain your trust in little to no time.

“So she was just a friend?” Clara brought him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, why?” Taehyung answered swiftly. She blinked at her boyfriend whilst he stared back in confusion. He gave no other indications. Strange…he told the truth but there was a faint sparkle in his eyes.

“Well, if she’s a part of your life again, then maybe we can hang out with her. Bring her to parties, don’t you think?” Clara suggested. “After all, she has no one in Seoul.”

Taehyung hated that he liked her idea. He agreed that he should bring you into some get-togethers, but not spend time with his girlfriend and best friend together. Yet it was part of his way into helping you heal your scars and open you up to trusting people again, including himself. He wanted you to get back on your feet socially, and that was something he wanted to do.

-

Weeks went by and you were still cautious of Taehyung, but you couldn’t help to admit that you missed him. You forgot how much his aura made your day. He looked weary most of the time, but his demeanor spun a 180 when he came to visit you. Sometimes he was with Jimin, Jungkook, Seojoon, and even Clara shockingly. There were moments where she’d watch your every move but nothing too intense. The girl seemed friendly and wanted to get to know you a little better, but of course, you were still traumatized from the past girls who approached you. Heck, even the others wanted to know you too.

But once he was alone, he was reassured that they meant no harm and were genuine. More or less for Clara, but she was his girlfriend after all. Despite all, Taehyung made it a routine to visit you while you were in the hospital, interrogating you if you ate or drank water which you did.

By the time, you were discharged. You glowed radiantly like a goddess and plumper in the face and cheeks, looking like the Blue he knew and loved. Though you told him not to, he always called you Blue in his head and sometimes with Jungkook and Jimin.

You still couldn’t go back to work as your boss instructed you to come back a month after leaving the hospital, which was bullshit from your perspective. But it gave you time to rest and focus on school. You were doubtful of it, but knowing you couldn’t do anything about it, you nodded. It was difficult to find a job as is, and finding a job that worked with your hours was a needle in the haystack.

But still, you were grateful for your bosses. They even closed an hour or two within their business hours to visit you. They gave you so many side dishes and stews while ranting to you about how they missed their favorite worker and how terrible Kenji was by himself.

While Kenji was there too.

More weeks passed and you were finally able to work again. You went back to working five days now. Halmeoni refused to give you any more, even insisted on doing less but you denied it and stuck with your regular shifts. With that, Taehyung also visited and ate at the restaurant. You were still his server, but this time, you actually held a conversation with him and treated him warmly. There was still distance, he could sense that kilometers away but he enjoyed every minute of it.

One night, he and Jungkook stayed back and helped clean the restaurant up. Your bosses and Kenji didn’t deny the free labor from the handsome rich idols, so you let it be. Less stress for you maybe.

Kenji left quickly for the day as he had a group project to work on, so you were left alone to close up. Once you hung your apron on the hook, you turned to Jungkook who called your name. You shouldered your bag and tilted your head. “So my birthday is coming up, and I was wondering if you would like to come.”

You scrunched your nose, and a million thoughts ran through your mind. “I-I’m invited? You really want me to come?”

Jungkook gawked blankly at you. You looked so serious and worried. He turned to his older member and Taehyung only nodded at your behavior. “O-of course, ___. I’m inviting you right now! I’d love for you to come.”

“Oh.” You said quietly. You bit your lips and fiddled with your fingers, wondering what to say. “Ummm, when and where is it?”

“It’ll be next Saturday! You don’t work weekends right?” You shook your head, making Jungkook grin in happiness. “It starts at 8 PM. It’ll be at Taehyungie Hyung’s house.”

“Why is it at his and not yours?”

Jungkook blushed hard at your thoughtless question. He felt a bit embarrassed to say it, but Taehyung chimed in. “Jungkookie’s house is not fit to invite guests. It’s not messy, just structured unusually.”

“I just have a lot of stuff…” The younger member tried defending himself, but it didn’t seem solid.

“So you think you could come ___?” Taehyung asked, hoping you say yes.

“I…I love to, but who’ll be there?” You were asking many questions because you feared it would be a full-on party to which you’d take back your acceptance.

“Don’t worry. Hyung says you’re not comfortable with big parties.” You eyed Taehyung out for exposing your shyness. “I’m also shy too, so I don’t have many friends. It’ll just be our members, some partners, maybe some of Tae’s Wooga Hyungs, my close idol friends, and my brother is coming into town. It’ll just be a grilling dinner, really. I promise. Maybe even karaoke.” Jungkook comforted your hesitancy and you appreciated him for that.

In fact, besides getting closer to Taehyung, you’ve also grown fond of Jungkook and Seojoon. Though you barely spoke to Seojoon, he was there for many occurrences but he seemed comforting. Jimin seemed too much for you that you were overwhelmed, but he meant well. Also, his eye contact scared you. Jungkook was a good ground. Maybe because he was younger and shy like you.

You nodded before smiling tenderly. A breathtaking sight in both Jungkook and Taehyung. Taehyung being that it was been a while since he has seen you smile so genuinely. Jungkook being that he may have a teeny tiny crush on you. You just looked so gentle. “I’ll be there, but I may need the address.”

“I’ll send it to you,” Taehyung announced.

“Why not me?” Jungkook pouted.

“It’s my house address.”

“Point taken.”

-

It was the following weekend and the older members were preparing the food on the table. Jungkook was busy greeting his guests, Jimin and Wooshik were having a conversation, Clara did some last-minute cleaning and Taehyung was scared shitless for you.

This was the first time he asked you to hang out beyond your work. Well, technically Jungkook asked but it still counted. This will also be the first time you actually meet almost everyone new in his life. This was new territory for you, because not only being introduced to new people, but these were also idols, artists, and influencers. He knew you were nothing like them, you probably knew too. He knew you were nervous and scared to be outside of your comfort zone. He only wished to keep you calm and relaxed the whole night through.

But for him? Taehyung didn’t really understand you. When you first met again, you ignored him. Then, you were vile and snappy. Next, you were still mean but at least you spoke to him civilly. Now you were a little bit approachable. You were hot and cold, mainly cold but he didn’t know where he stood in this. Were you even willing to be in a friendship with him? You don’t seem like you wanted it, despite the friendlier exchanges. He felt lost and didn’t know how to talk about it with you.

“Babe, you okay?” Taehyung felt arms wrapped around his waist, startling him. He looked down and spotted Clara looking curious, noticing how tense he was. “You seem frazzled.”

“Just a lot going on.” He replied. Her grip loosened as she lets go but held one of his hands.

“Are the sessions doing okay?”

His jaw hardened. Of course, she’d ask that. “Yeah, they’re great.” He answered, but sarcasm rang around it.

She hummed before grabbing a filled glass of wine from a tray. She sipped the content before saying, “Who else is Kookie inviting?” She scanned the room, getting more and more packed with familiar faces.

As if Jungkook heard, he stopped by the couple. “Where’s ___?”

“You invited her too?” Clara’s eyes widened in shock.

“Yeah, she’s my friend too.” Jungkook cheesed in pride, but it made Taehyung’s eyes twitch. “Is she coming?”

The front door opened and the three’s attention went toward who was coming in. The two youngest members thought it was you, but three men stepped in—Wooga Squad, Hyungsik, Seojoon, Sunghwan, and Namhyuk. Taehyung pierced his eyes at Namhyuk. It seemed that he finally had time to hang out after months. It was good to see, he thought, but still felt weirded out.

Clara waved at the older men and greeted them. She excused herself to hug all three of them, happy to see their attendance. Her boyfriend observed their interactions, feeling nothing, and had no comments. 

“Did she text you?” Jungkook asked, growing worried. “Did you send her the right address?”

“Chill, bro.” Taehyung cocked an eyebrow. “She’ll come, she doesn’t back out. She’s probably just worried or lost. I live a little out of Seoul.”

“Doesn’t she know us though?”

“Yeah, but it’s different than showing face. She needs to be eased into these kinds of things.” Taehyung informed the younger as his eyes went towards the door. “Believe me, I know.”

Jungkook raised his brow at him. “Really? You know.” He knew you were his childhood best friend, but he acted like no shit happened between you two until recently. “Hyung, she’s not fifteen anymore. It’s different.”

But Taehyung diverted his eyes, staring seriously at his member. “Whether she’s fifteen or twenty-five, I know her. Things are different now, but there are still those same old things I know too well like the back of my hand.” The conversation ended there, but there were still some things Jungkook wanted to say. But he went against them, or else people would know about his interest in you.

But Taehyung knew by the looks of it and he didn’t like it one bit.

Taehyung’s phone rang and he instantly checked who it was—you were calling. He excused himself away from Jungkook so that he doesn’t hear your conversation. Once he was at a distance from the crowd, he answered and greeted you.

“I think I’m here?” You announced through the speakers. “These houses are too big and it took me an hour to get here.”

“Why didn’t you call me to come to get you? You would have been here sooner.”

“You’re literally hosting it at your house. I could never ask you that.” You countered. He heard shuffling in the background, most likely you were carrying something else. “It’s fine because I was running late anyway.”

“You know you can knock, right?” He gazed at the entrance, waiting for some kind of sound.

“I know, but…well, I’m gonna be honest. I’ve been here for almost thirty minutes. I even saw Seojoon and the others go in but I hid behind a car.”

“What, why?”

“I’m nervous, Taehyung.” You squeaked, breathing slowly. “People like you, they don’t like me as much.”

He hated your doubts, wanting to take them away from you. “Don’t say that, ___. You know almost half of them and they like you. The rest will like you too.”

“You think so?”

“Of course and I never lie to you.”

You respired, “Okay, but like can you get me? I feel awkward coming in by myself.”

He smiled pleasantly. “Yeah, I’ll be there. See you soon.” You ended the call and Taehyung began walking through the guests.

“Is ___ here?” Jungkook begged him once the call ended. 

“___’s coming?” Jimin’s eyes shined in glee.

“Wait, ___?” Yoongi heard your name. “Your best friend, ___?”

“Why is she coming? Did you two make up?” Hoseok wondered. “Jungkook, you know about this?”

“I invited her!” The youngest publicized. “She’s my friend now!”

Wooshik gasped, “You brought the cute waitress friend from the restaurant?”

Taehyung pinched the bridge of his nose. “Oh my God, before anyone else speaks, yes to all—Wait, why are you calling her cute—You know what? Never mind. She’s here actually, but don’t stare at her like some woodland creature! She’s nervous about meeting all of you so cut her some slack.” His eyes roamed his friends who stood quietly, even nodding. “I’ll go get her.” He resumed his walk out. 

“Wait, why not me?” Jungkook asked.

“She asked me to,” Taehyung muttered before opening the entrance and stepping outside.

The idol eyeballed over his driveway and front lawn, but there were still no signs of you. He walked down the porch stairs and called your name. All of sudden, a neatly curled head of hair popped up from behind a parked car. You walked around the vehicle, fully revealing yourself to him and Taehyung’s irises widened.

In addition to your hair styled softly curled, this was the first time he saw you in makeup. It was natural and enhanced, but you had a touch of red on your lips. You usually bare-faced into work, most likely because you were too tired to care. But what made him blown away was the dress you wore. A faint tangerine hue midi dress with thin straps that had floral patterns precisely spread across the fabric, the skirt of the dress flowed like a mermaid. You paired it off with some nude block heels.

Taehyung gulped at your appearance. It was so you like how he remembered, but so… mature and grown. This really was you, his best friend ever since he was young. His Blue. He couldn’t take his eyes off of you until you clear your throat.

“Stop staring, it doesn’t help my anxiousness.” You went up to him and pushed the tray of confectionery into his hands.

“S-sorry.” He apologized before looking down at what you gave him. He inspected it a little longer before he gasped in utter disbelief. “Are these…”

“Yes, they’re my butter mochi.” You finished his ask with a reply. “I didn’t have time, nor money to buy him something. I also don’t know what an idol would want besides name-brand things. I slept late last night to make them…Do you think he’ll like it?”

His eyes met your worried ones, but he couldn’t help to find endearment in your concerns. “Of course, ___. He’ll love them. Jungkook is literally a hyena with any food.”

You exhaled as you flattened your dress down, “Is this too much? This isn’t even mine. I had to borrow this from Kenji’s sister and she lent me some make—”

“___, you’re blabbering.”

“I know I told you I was nervous, but is it really showing?”

“Unfortunately, it is.” He spoke honestly, to which you groaned. “But again, you’ll be okay. With all the hype Jungkook and Jimin have been giving you, I’m sure you’ll be greatly loved.” You rolled your eyes at the thought of those two being blatantly obvious with their flirting. You also knew that Jungkook had a little crush on you. “You know Jungkook has a crush on you right?”

“Don’t even remind me. I feel bad because I don’t. I barely know the guy too.” You vocalized into the air. For some reason, your rejection of his member mitigated his worries. He knew Jungkook would be upset about it, but at least it wouldn’t be as much of a problem. 

“Let’s go inside. Everyone’s dying to meet you.” Taehyung guided you toward the entrance. He had his hand on the knob and before he twisted it, he stared at you once more and said, “You look beautiful, by the way.” He averted back to the door to open, and it was a good thing he was focused on that otherwise he would have seen the rosiness of your cheeks creeping up.

As you entered and took your shoes off, you tried your best to push negative thoughts and useless concerns out of your head. You cheered yourself on that Taehyung was right about them liking you. Once you reached the end of the entranceway, you felt many pairs of eyes on you like you were new meat. Technically, you were so you viewed them back with big doe-eyes. You gripped your hands together, playing with them to ease yourself.

“Everyone, meet ___! She’s my childhood best friend from Geochang.” Taehyung presented you to his friends who ogled at your form.

You grinned followed by a wave or two at his members and other guests you didn’t know besides the ones you saw at your work. “Hello, nice to meet you all.”

“JK, she made her famous butter mochi. It’s the best thing in the whole world.” Taehyung walked towards his youngest member and handed him the tray.

“I’ll eat these with pride and honor, ___. Thank you!” Jungkook praised and you chuckled with satisfaction. Hoseok eyed the treats out, but the youngest pushed them away from his eyes to see.

Meanwhile, the rest continued to peer in your direction. You didn’t know what to do. Though your reflex was to cling onto Taehyung like before, it would be questionable, especially with Clara’s eyes on you. They were filled with blankness, but still. So you stayed still and tapped on your appendages.

“You’re ___?” Seokjin was the first among them to ask. You nodded then came more questions. “You were the one who talked to Taehyung late at night when we were trainees?”

You laughed nervously, cringing at how you were being. “Yeah, it was a long time ago but…you remembered?”

“How could I forget losing my sleep because of that?” Yoongi added in, making some of the crowd laugh. “Always hearing damn laughter from the other side of the room.”

“You’re pretty.” Namjoon blurted out, grabbing the attention of everyone, particularly Taehyung. “Like, super attractive.”

“Isn’t she?” Wooshik cheesed. “Yah, you look healthier too. I’m so happy for you.”

“Good to see the voice that haunted our sleep,” Hoseok mentioned jokingly. “I mean it in the nicest way possible.”

“Oh, thank you.” You responded but it sounded like a question. The pink hue crept back up into your cheeks. “Uhhhhh…”

Jimin came into the conversation, “You know ___ is single—”

“Okay, we’re not getting into that,” Taehyung interjected as he went to your side. “Feel free to get to know ___, but not too much.” He focused his pupils on Namjoon, Jungkook, and Jimin. “Go easy on her. This is her first party in Seoul.”

Jimin then linked his arm around yours, surprising you as you gawked at his action. “Come, ___. Sit by me tonight.”

You were about to protest, but you were getting dragged towards the table with Jungkook and Wooshik following suit, asking you so many questions. You turned back to see Taehyung bewildered with his mouth open.

You were stolen from him.

Taehyung felt a smaller hand intertwined with his, knowing that it was his girlfriend. Clara looked at him, but he continued to look at your overwhelmed stature as Namjoon asked you about your schooling.

The socialite giggled lightly and squeezed his hand. “Don’t worry, she’ll be fine. Just enjoy yourself.” Taehyung hummed gingerly, knowing you’ll be okay but kept an eye on you the whole night through.

-

You would think that winning the soccer championship games in your second year of high school called for a celebration. Even Taehyung thought so, but he didn’t think it would be this vast. 

It felt like everyone and their moms were here squished up together, shoulder to shoulder in this house. Taehyung practically bulldozed over people to get to his destination and he couldn’t quite indicate where his destination was with all these invitees.

His captain and sunbae, Jungjae, hosted a “small” get-together at his house to which Taehyung got granted permission by his parents and brought you along to jubilate with him. But once you arrived, you noticed his parents weren’t around, more people than the team multiplying by the minute, older ones who brought alcohol and juice, and breaths running down your necks. 

Neither of you expected it, and to his dismay, Taehyung was ripped away from you as his teammates were greeting and introducing him to their friends and it just went downhill. He got pressured into drinking the bitter taste of soju as a team bonding. Now he maneuvered his way through the sardines of bodies, trying to figure out where you were. He scoped the area, hoping to some kind of characteristic of you. He was near the back of the house, noting the lawn with the large pool in the middle of it. Jungjae was from a well-off family, so it made sense. But no one dared to go outside, since all the fun was inside.

“Hey, Tae!” A hand rested on his shoulder. He turned and saw it was one of his teammates, Kim Minjae, who was the same year as him. “How you’ve been?” He offered a cup of an unknown alcoholic substance but Taehyung denied it.

“I’m good, it’s…this party is wild.” He had to shout his answer over the blaring sounds of the music.

“I know right? Maybe even hoping to get with someone tonight.” Minjae smirked as he gulped down his drink. Taehyung did not want to envision his teammate trying to stick his dick somewhere. He needed to find you, thinking that you’re probably very uncomfortable right now. 

“Good luck with that, I guess,” Taehyung commented, more to himself.

But it was when Minjae gasped and smacked Taehyung’s chest to grab his attention again. “Her, that one. I’m calling it.” His teammate pointed over and Taehyung followed the direction. “Pretty in the black dress.” Once he landed his eyes at Minjae’s “target,” Taehyung almost had smoke blowing out of his nose.

Through the transparent sliding door, you sat outside at the edge of the pool. At the end of your feet, there was a cup resting. You looked into the door, seeing all the “fun” happening. You were so easily turned off by what was happening in the house, you stepped outside to be alone. The crowd alarmed you, so you left it immediately and sat there in solitude.

“She’s even alone, this is perfect,” Minjae observed before chugging down the alcohol. “I’m going in.”

Before he could even do anything, Taehyung stopped him, pulling his teammate back. “No, you’re not. I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

“Aww, did you call dibs already?”

“There’s no dibs. She’s my best friend.” Taehyung scoffed. “I’m not letting you go near her!” His voice got lower, and the protectiveness with you heightened so much more, seeing that Minjae tried to do something.

“Geez, alright, I won’t.” Minjae back offed, noting how angry Taehyung got. But despite all this, he was being a drunk idiot. “She is hot though. Did you tap th—”

“Leave before I punch you in the fucking throat!”

“Okay, bro. No need for violence.” His teammate raised his palms out as he surrendered. He eyed you out before shifting his eyes at Taehyung, then ultimately leaving before a fight broke out.

He didn’t bother to look back because Taehyung sped towards your direction, pushing people away with no remorse. He slid the door open, catching your eyes. Once you saw your best friend, your calmed face morphed into great relief with the pout you pushed out your mouth. “Blue.”

“Hyungie.” You got up from your seated position and ran into his arms to feel his embrace. “I don’t like this. I thought you said it was the team and their plus ones.”

“I thought so too.” Your best friend sighed. “But I guess Jungjae Hyung wanted to go all out for his final year.”

You sniffed his shirt, analyzing his smell. You held his chin to open his mouth before wafting his breath. “You drank.” You stared sternly.

“You too!” He didn’t want to be at fault for everything. “There’s a cup right there.”

“I was offered one but I didn’t drink it. I fled before they even noticed.”

Guilt consumed him as he couldn’t deny your allegations. “I was told to. It was for the team, but after that, I didn’t take another sip.”

“I’m not mad at you.” You giggled as you held his cheeks in your palms. “I’m just tryna give you a heads up because your parents may be up and will notice smells.”

Taehyung pondered that for a minute before a sly smirk appeared, “What if I sleep over? It is a weekend. Your grandparents are asleep, no?”

You threw your head back in laughter and shook your head, “Can’t believe you’re taking advantage of my elderly grandparents and their early bedtime.”

“Better than getting punished by my parents.” He shrugged oh so innocently before pecking your temple. “Let’s leave, Blue?”

“Mmm, yes please.” You tangled your fingers together and readied yourself. “Before we go home, let’s go to a convenience store. I want ice cream or a soda. Any liquid in the house is mixed with alcohol.”

He lifted your intertwined hands and poke his nose at your skin. “I’ll treat. A reward for putting up with this damn antic.”

“Can’t deny a hard bargain, Hyungie.” You agreed as you pointed over towards a gate. You spent much time outside, you were able to inspect the perimeter. “We can leave through there. No one will know we left.”

“I’m sure they won’t even know anything. They’re all drunk out of their minds.” He pulled you as you ran through the grass. You escaped the madhouse and made your own adventure with some strawberry juice and vanilla ice cream. 

-

Hours later, people were drunk out of their minds and dancing to Yoongi and Namjoon singing through the karaoke microphone. The birthday boy knocked out on the couch, cuddling up to Jimin while the older held a conversation with one of the guests. Hoseok was sitting in the corner, red as a tomato. Seokjin sat next to him reading webtoons. Seojoon, Hyungsik, and Wooshik sat on the floor and engaged in a nonsense conversation  Everyone was scattered around the house.

Taehyung was chilling on the other side of the couch. He didn’t bother where Clara was. The last thing she told him was that she was going to go to their bedroom upstairs since she felt drowsy, but that was over an hour ago. Other than her, he had to be a good host and make sure everyone was fine or not breaking any of the home decors.

So he stood up and walked around the house, inspecting that everything was alright. But as scoped out the areas, he realized something—you were nowhere to be seen. The last occurrence he remembered in the night was during the cutting of Jungkook’s birthday cake. The youngest tried to feed you some of his first slice. You denied it but he insisted and pulled the birthday card, so you had no reason but to.

In fact, Taehyung was never able to even spend time with you as everyone kept talking to you and Clara clung to his side at all times. Questions were asked like how long you’ve been in Seoul, how was Geochang, how you met Taehyung, where you go to school and what was your major, which Taehyung found out that it was Masters in Education through overhearing conversations. You always loved helping and educating others, especially him.

However, the main question of the night was what exactly happened between you and Taehyung. The members knew, but everyone else didn’t. Considering his friends saw you go from ignoring him to ridiculing him to having a genuine conversation, it spiked many wonders and thoughts. They were so curious since you were the person that knew Taehyung the longest, almost your entire life. You were practically a portal of history to who was Taehyung before being famous and the celebrity everyone knew and loved.

On contrary, you actually didn’t say much about it other than the “falling out,” even throwing a small fib that since Taehyung was away and have gotten busy, you grew apart as time went on. The members didn’t even argue but had confused looks. Taehyung didn’t know why you did that, especially all that he did to you. Maybe saving face, but who really knew?

Your answers were short and simple, not going in-depth with anything and definitely not with Jimin’s questions about dating and preferences. Taehyung was bothered by why his friend asked them but realized that Jimin was just curious about that realm. To be honest, he doesn’t think his member even has an interest. He just wanted to know things.

Now Taehyung’s mind dwelled on your whereabouts. You didn’t say you were leaving. Were you okay? It was barely midnight. He checked the bathrooms and they were empty, even the guest bedrooms, and still got nothing.

He went up to his members and asked, “Have you seen ___?” Jimin, Seokjin, and Hoseok looked up at him and crinkled their eyebrows in thought.

“The last time I saw her was before Jungkook was knocked out.” Jimin nudged the birthday boy who continued to be out cold.

“Maybe she went home?” Seokjin proposed with Hoseok drunkenly nodded quietly.

Taehyung shook his head, “She would have told us, especially since it’s pretty late. I wouldn’t even let her leave all by herself.”

“I’m sure she’s fine, Tae.” Jimin tried reassuring his best friend. “You’ve been worried about her the whole night through. I’m sure she had fun.”

There was so much Taehyung wanted to say, but bit back and nodded. He glanced at Yoongi and Namjoon still going strong at karaoke. “I need some water.” He announced before leaving to go to the kitchen.

He filled a glass up and chugged it down. He had a mild headache on his shoulders, still feeling worried about you. All he wanted was to know you were okay. Though this was small, it was still a party and people did pummel you with everything they got. In a way, it got too much for you.

Wait, he realized. When you were overwhelmed, you had a habit of walking away and being by—

Barking interrupted his thought process. It was Yeontan and sounded like it was coming from the backyard. On another thought, he hasn’t seen his pet the entire night so he was now concerned about two things.

The idol headed towards the back entrance and discovered the sliding door was opened a big wide, enough for his dog to stroll through. As his eyes searched for Yeontan, a gust of relief hit his face.

Not only did he find his dog bouncing and panting in joy, but Yeontan also kept you company as you sat on the patio and ate a slice of cake while talking to his dog. Your bare feet up and crossed onto the chair across “No, I can’t give you cake. There might be chemicals in here that are poison for you.” You spoke accordingly as you forked a piece into your mouth. “Not for me though. I am human and you are a dog.”

Yeontan cocked his head to the side before crawling towards your legs and jumping, whining his little heart for you. You placed the plate down on the table to grab the furry creature. “Okay, I’ll let you sit on my lap again.” The second you settled him on you, he curled up into a ball and laid down before closing his eyes. He cuddled his head into your lower stomach. “You get so cuddly. Reminds me of your father when we were younger.” You patted his fur down continuously.

Taehyung’s heart skipped at the scene. It was wholesome and sweet that he enjoyed every minute of the interaction. Also, the fact that you still knew his habit of cuddling. You looked at peace, for the first time tonight, being alone with his dog. But he hoped that he can join in like old times.

He knocked on the glass door before opening it wide enough to enter. You turned to see him close the door behind you as you grinned courteously. “I found you.” The idol greeted as he sat on the chair next to you. “Everyone said you were gone, but I didn’t believe them.”

“You’re right.” You replied as you caressed Yeontan. “Been here with your doggy for a while. He never wanted to leave me.”

“I’m surprised that he likes you. It took a while for him to like the members.” Taehyung stared at his pet as he leaned into this chair. “Clara still struggles with him. He always growls or runs away from her.”

You frowned as you glared at the animal on you. You stage whispered, “You shouldn’t do that to your mom. She cares for you, you know?”

Taehyung chuckled at your behavior. “Actually, no. He’s my pet. She doesn’t really care for him, only feeds him when I’m not around. Clara didn’t agree with me getting a dog, but I still got him.”

“Who would say no to this face?” You purred as you brought a sleeping Yeontan into your arms and kissed his head.

The idol heavily admired the view as you nuzzled your face into Yeontan’s fur. The small Pomeranian lazily licked the tip of your nose before going back to his slumber. You giggled and kept him back on your lap.

“I forgot that you just go away from everyone, yet you’re still here.” Taehyung pointed out, grabbing your attention.

“I mean I didn’t want to be rude to just leave without notifying the host.” You shrugged as you reached for your plate of dessert.

“I guess the habit never left you.”

You blew out a soft laugh from your nose. “Yeah, the habit of you always finding me never left either.”

“You had me worried.” He spoke truthfully as he bit his lips. “I know you’re not the biggest fan of these kinds of things.”

“You shouldn’t have been.” You told, trying to assure him. ”Parties before were crowded, but this was pretty tame.”

“Yet you still came outside alone with my pet.”

“It got a little too much when a drunk Jungkook was glued onto me and Namjoon asked me to sing with him. After laying birthday boy down on Jimin, everyone else was distracted so I dipped without notice.” You explained as you took some whipped buttercream into your mouth. “Everyone was nice though, and they gave me their numbers and even asked to hang out, but…”

“But…” Taehyung egged on, wanting to hear more of your opinion.

“I told them we’ll see ‘cause I really am busy with work and school, and other things.” You sighed.

“Did you have fun at least, ___?”

“Yeah, I did.” You smiled, reminiscing about tonight as you scraped what was left of the cake before popping it in between your lips. “It’s been a while since I had done something like this, so thank you for helping me out. I know you were busy and all, but—”

“No, no, I wasn’t busy. I actually wanted to hang out with you, but everyone else was in the queue to spend some time with the famous ___.”

“Please, I’m sure I’m the farthest from being famous in that room.” You snorted in disbelief. “Jungkook even introduced me to some of his idol friends, I forgot their names…Eunwoo? Yugyeom? I don’t know. There were so many names to remember.”

Taehyung smiled happily at your rambling. “Baby steps, I guess. Uhh…” He scratched his temple, trying to think of how to word this properly. “I hope this helped with, ummm, trusting people a little.” You blinked, reaching his uneasy eyes. “I’m sorry if this offends you. I just—”

“I understand.” You said. “I remembered back in the hospital that you wanted to help me trust people again.”

“Did it work?”

“Well, this is only the first meet so…” You breathed out. “Baby steps, I guess.” You repeated his saying to which he scrunched his nose in amusement and looked down at his lap. “I’m sure you’re wondering if I’m on my way to trusting you.” 

His mouth cured down when he pulled his up to see your pupils and face forward. “Is it that obvious?”

“You’ve been worried about me the entire night, you looked for me, you’re being protective of me from your drooling members, you’re asking all these questions now…and I know that’s what you want from me.”

“I—”

“I don’t like saying this now, but that’s how you were, Taehyung.” You huffed, then finally met his eye contact. “It’s fascinating that you still do that.”

“Why is it fascinating?”

“Because it’s been ten years since I last knew you.” You murmured. “I’m sure there are many differences between Taehyung before and Taehyung now.”

The idol pursed his lips at your statement. It seemed that everyone but him verbalized that things were different between you and him. That you weren’t eight anymore, that he wasn’t able to care for you as much as before, that the restoring bond wasn’t strong like when you were younger. He hated it, he didn’t want to resort to that so-called justified belief. The memories were there, that was his evidence as well as yours, but you refused to look at them as how he did.

“You say that yet, look where we are.” Taehyung implied, gazing at the perplexed expression on you. “Party inside, yet you’re outside and alone just like before. And you said it yourself, I always find you.” You didn’t respond, only letting him speak further. “It feels like the same old things between me and you.”

You processed what he was saying. He seemed bothered, the defense evident on his features. You understood what he meant, and you did see the patterns within the weeks, but you weren’t going to tell him that. There was still distance and you couldn’t figure out why or how to solve it yet. You doubted he figured it out too because he was struggling right now.

Or maybe you did know, but you feared the results and vulnerability you had to do.

“You can’t say that we’re still the same because you know damn, well that’s not true. Again, you don’t know the kind of person I’ve become in the past ten years, Taehyung.” You informed him, eyeing him out. “It’s all blank and all you know are those memories when we were younger and naive. There are differences.” You stated calmly indifferent to your heart palpitating rapidly. “Like how I think of you now.”

Taehyung felt a stubby pit in him. He didn’t like that he was aware of that fact, but it stung when you confirmed the distance. You were right, he knew nothing within those ten years and who you were. He hated himself for it. The shortness in his breathing was present but tried his best to control it without going through another episode. “W—what do you mean by that?”

“Well…” You fiddled with your fingers, gathering your thoughts into words. “You were my best friend.”

“A-and-and now?”

“I don’t know.” You responded curtly. Your tone was rude, but you didn’t know how to say it without hurting him. And the hurt was there on him with his shoulders slouching lower. “Sorry, to say it like that. But it’s my truth.”

He nodded defeatedly. “I get it. I’m the reason why it’s so hard for you to trust others.” You didn’t want to comfort him and say it wasn’t true, because that would be lying. ”And trusting the perpetrator is almost impossible.”

Now you wanted to counter. “It’s not impossible, Taehyung.”

“How can you even say that when you don’t even know how you think of me?” His glossy irises shined through the dimming light of the midnight moon. Hints of tears were not there, but he was fighting them back into place.

“Because I’m letting you back in again.” You directly expressed, but the pain was still there. Your eyes frantically searched around as you debated your next move. You hesitantly raised your arm out to him. At times, your hand flinched back but kept moving forward. He followed your movements in curiosity before he realized what you were doing.

Your fingers jungled through his ebony locks, scratching his scalp in fondness as you peered at the idol. “Taehyung like how you have your reasons, I have mine too. It’s not impossible because I forgave you too. If you want me back in your life, I want you as well. It goes both ways.” You held forth as you pushed back his bangs, revealing his shining forehead. “It’s just gonna take a while with all that happened, okay? Even with your members and friends. It’s coming together.”

“I don’t want us to be awkward though. I know you feel it too.”

“We can’t help it. We have empty years behind us, and hopefully, we’ll be able to catch up. Just don’t think too much about our past now and don’t compare. I’m not the happy-go-lucky pushover you know.”

“You were never a pushove—”

“We’re back and focus on how are now.”

“How are you even so calm? I miss my best friend and wanna hug you so tightly, but I feel like you’re gonna kick my ass if I do.” He spoke childishly, making you giggle.

His insides tingled at your lovely sound.

“You’re not wrong again.” You brought back your hand. A low whine came out of his mouth when he couldn’t feel your touch anymore.

“Of course, I’m not. I know you inside and out.” He frowned.

“Not all…” You said under your breath and were in relief that he didn’t catch it. “I’m calm because I know it will happen. Not everything happens within a night, Taehyung.”

“I also don’t like how formal you call me. I miss Hyun—”

“Don’t push it.” Clipping your voice, you clenched your jaw. You shut him up right away. “Let’s take it slow, please.”

He agreed then you yawned largely before rubbing your eyes. “You tired? I have extra roo—”

“I’ll take a cab home.” You spoke as you stood from your seat with Yeontan in your arms still sleeping. Taehyung copied your movements before you transferred his dog to him. “I need to wake up early to study anyway.”

“Are you sure? Everyone’s too drunk to move any limbs and is probably sleeping over.”

“More reasons for me to leave.” You said matter of factly. “You can take care of them. I sobered up while outside.”

“It’s late. I don’t even know where you live. What if you live far?”

“Taehyung…”

“I’m being respectively concerned.” He reasoned as he slid the back door open, letting you both inside. “I’m not letting anyone leave the house. We’re all sleeping in the living room. I prepared matching pajamas for every one of us.”

You chortled at exaggerated words, but deep down, he spoke the truth. He was an idol…he could afford it. “Seems like no won’t be an answer for you?”

“You’re not wrong.” He smirked as you both headed down the empty hallway and up the stairs. Judging by the sounds and muffled voices, the party seemed to die down as everyone grew sleepy. In a split second, all of his members were in the living room dressed in red checkered pajamas. Even the sleeping Jungkook was changed.

You trailed behind the idol. Once you were brought into the first door to the left of the second floor, you found the same pajamas his members wore. You turned to him, in a surprised but expected expression. “You deadass bought matching pajamas. How’d you know their sizes?”

“I don’t, but it’s pretty easy for men through height.” He pointed out. “But you’re one of the few ladies inside the house so it’s pretty limited.”

You grabbed the folded clothes off the neat bed, checking it out. “I’m sure this is fine then. Thanks.”

“You’re lucky with this guest bedroom. You have your own bathroom in this. When I bought this house, I didn’t even know until Jimin pointed it out.” Taehyung leaned into the doorframe, crossing his arms. “This is Jimin’s unofficial room.”

You chuckled at his same-aged member. “So I guess I’ll change and head down to the living room?”

“No, you’re staying here.”

A formed morphed on your lips. “What, why?”

“There are so many men down there. I’m not putting you out there.”

You eyed Taehyung speechlessly. Sure, it was transparent that he was protective over you, but you didn’t think to this extent. At least not now, which made you question it densely.

“You have a nice spacious room to yourself, ___. Don’t give it up to sleep on a couch or floor with some…men.” He gagged at the emphasis of the word. Did he not realize that these were his friends he talked about?

“Fine, it’s your house anyway.” You gave in as you unfolded the sleepwear.

“There’s a new toothbrush for you to use as well as some makeup remover and cleanser. Make sure you lock the door. Jimin might notice something’s up.” Taehyung provided and you hummed in response.

“Thank you again. I’m actually very tired, it’s been a long day.” You were grateful for all his doings tonight. 

“Don’t overwork yourself.” He reminded strictly, making you roll your eyes. “I’m serious, ___. I don’t want to repeat the last time.”

“I’ve been better, I swear.” You promised, sticking out your pinky toward his frame. Your gesture made him grin as he latched onto your small finger with his longer and larger one.

“Keep that promise.” He advised before parting. “If you need anything, just call me or knock on my door. I’ll be here for you.”

“Thank you.” You gave your gratitude once again. “Good night, Taehyung.”

“Sweet dreams, ___.” Sweet dreams, my Blue. He wanted to say so desperately.

Once he left, you changed your clothes. You headed towards the bathroom to wash up. As you brushed your teeth, you reflected on the night. There was a slight shift in this…thing with Taehyung, and it was a good sign you hoped. At the very least, he now was aware of how genuine you wanted to be his friend again. It was only a matter of how much and how long. It really was going to take a while, but it couldn’t be helped. At least on your end. 

You still didn’t trust him, but it was gradually getting there. You and your heart knew. After all—

He was your best friend.

Tagged: @manuosorioh @kaal-ee @dahliasbouqet @bertqut1 @fuckthinking @thvxstf

#taehyung x reader #taehyung fic #taehyung fanfiction #kim taehyung x reader #taehyung smut #taehyung angst #taehyung fluff #kim taehyung fanfic #kim taehyung #bts fanfic #bts fluff #bts smut #bts x reader #matcha masterlist

[dilatorywriting]

Question! regarding vil and perhaps, leona as a s/o, i'd like to ask if you have any angst thoughts abt them?? do you think vil would be controlling or leona being too 'i-dont-give-a-fuck' type of person? TRUTHFULLY, i feel like vil being too controlling would be because he wants to bring out the best in someone he loves which Yuu/Reader would understand while Leona is someone who is more 'subtle' or shows his affection or care thru words or actions.

ANOTHER QUESTION I'M SORRY IF YOU'RE OVERWHELMED but, if you ever continue your Heroes Vs. Villains stories.. would you make a Mufasa-like character to be the 'Hero' in the story? (i've been wondering for a while if you ever did think of one! cuz i assumed that Heartslabyul would be Alice, Scarabia = Aladdin, Ignihyde = Hercules)

LASTLY IN MONSTER MAYHEM, what 'monster' do you think Vil or Riddle would be? 👁👁

Oh my I have so many thoughts on these poor bois and they would have So Many Issues.

Which of their habits would be more 'angsty' I think would depend on the individual and their own preferences--because they basically sit at opposite ends of the same sliding scale (Vil caring objectively far too much, and Leona not enough. All based around the same fear of themselves not being worth it). Personally, Leona's apathy would sting far more for me than Vil's obsessiveness, but everyone vibes differently.

For Leona, I feel like he's so ingrained into the 'why try when I'll never get anywhere' mentality that it would cause a lot of issues. Because it's one thing already to not be putting effort into a relationship. It is another entirely to very openly and actively show that that's your intent. Like I know for me, I would absolutely break if I went to talk to someone about how I feel like they don't actually care, and they just scoffed and were like 'yeah no why would I? What makes you worth it?' Whether they mean it or not (and surely Leona wouldn't actually mean it. He's just lying to save his own sorry skin), feeling like you're not worth anything when you care so much in return is a genuinely miserable experience, and in my opinion, it's very very hard to come back from that unless said reciprocating person is super chill and understanding. For someone who had, say, already pre-existing self-worth issues, that would just be the end of it. So I think in turn to counteract that, Leona would need someone who was very sure in themselves. Not like egotistical, but someone with a very strong sense of self and independence that could handle that weaponized apathy of his. Because that is just a recipe for absolute disaster--a perpetual spiral of being ignored, feeling upset about being ignored, being ignored harder out of making a point that he really doesn't give a shit, and just ack. An absolute nightmare.

As for Vil, I see a lot of his inevitably controlling behavior being born of that same sort of 'I'm not good enough' fear Leona has, just... being terribly misdirected. Like, he would certainly push you in a good way! Doing his best to keep you healthy, and happy, and moving towards being the best you that you want to be. I just think with him one of the big things is that when you have so many of your own confidence issues, cruelty starts to feel like white noise. When your own head is constantly spewing all kinds of vitriol at yourself, you start to think it's normal. So I'm sure he'd accidentally casually say something absolutely bitingly mean. And maybe it'd only really hit when you were already having a bad day. But it would, and it would suck. And he would feel terrible about it. Which would unfortunately just feed into the rest of it. Because he has to be better, to make up for it. And that means taking his role as your guardian and self-proclaimed instructor up to the nth degree, because he has to be the best for you to also be the best. Which might only exacerbate the unpleasant comments or controlling behavior. The big difference with Vil I think though, or at least what makes the difference for me, is that I don't think there would ever be any doubt there that he does care. It's that he cares too much and too hard that's the problem. While Leona pushes away, Vil claws in as close as he possibly can. And depending on how you deal with that sort of codependence, it could definitely cause a lot of strife. If you're someone who isn't particularly independent or strongwilled, someone who likes being given direction and purpose (*cough* like I may or may not be *Cough*) then you're going to probably be able to handle that a lot better than someone who was already very strong in their own sense of self and where they stand in life.

But ahh!! Sorry for the absolute SLOG of a ramble. I just love both their Problematic Personalities SO MUCH, and Vil in particular is my favorite.

For the rest of the ask!

The thought with Leona for a Heroes vs Villains was to have it be a Him vs His Family sort of situation majoritively, with a surprise guest in the form of a Twist-ififed character I shant say. In case I do ever get around to writing it. (but I will go hint hint and say there's only so many villainous animal characters in disney movies. so like. do with that what you will. And also like, lions vs tigers--always a vibe 😉 anywho!)

For Monster Mayhem, I've decided Vil 100% is a siren. Have the outline for it ready to go and everything. Riddle I picture as a Sphynx sort of creature, with a massive penchant for trapping people with his strange, archaic, laws

#Asks #Vil Schoenheit #Leona Kingscholar

[ten-shi-fandoms]

"Let's die together."

___________________

Cw: Nagito Komaeda x Reader, Gender netural reader, Reader is suicidal, double suicidal, mentions of derealization, jumping off a bridge, mentions of a past trauma, mentions of bad habits (it's left vague), ending is vague, post-game, angst no comfort, 3rd person pov

______________________________________

It was weird..

Everyone noticed how weird (Y/n) had been acting these past few days and frankly it made everyone nervous.

Usually the (h/c) haired individual would at least talk to everyone but it seemed recently the only person they talked to was Nagito.

Everyone at one point tried to get Nagito to tell them what was wrong with their (h/c) haired friend but funny enough he didn't say a word.

He was even able to completely change a conversation whenever it got brought up.

It was strange.

Nagito had always held (Y/n) at high regard and when they got together (albeit a shock to everyone who thought (Y/n) could do better), everyone knew they were in good hands.

Nagito wouldn't hesitant to ask one of his former classmates for help whenever anything went wrong with his (h/c) headed lover.

Simple things like them feeling sick he would ask Mikan, or if they wanted a certain food item in particularly that wasn't available he would ask TeruTeru.

He even asked Hajime how to know if he made (Y/n) upset.

So why was he being so secretive about the (h/c) head's recent attitude?

In truth it seemed Nagito himself was also acting weird (weirder than usual).

He was less talkative, he even cut down on his hope talk and self degradating.

It freaked everyone out.

What was going on?

While most worried about their (h/c) haired friend, Nagito didn't.

He knew what was wrong and he knew he just needed to be their for his love.

Recently (Y/n) had begun to spiral.

Spiraling back into some old habits they had back he first met them.

Bad habits that Nagito at the time had tried his best to help with.

But it seems that his help wasn't enough lately and it hurt a bit.

He tried everything he could.

From praise and validation, to cuddling and kissing, even to trying to let them take their frustration out on his body however they wanted..

And yet nothing worked.

As the days continued (Y/N) seemed to be spiraling farther and farther down a rabbit hole until Nagito heard something that made him pause in the middle of wrapping up a wound he recently received.

"Let's die together."

It came so naturally from (Y/n)'s lips as if it had been waiting them to slip for a long time.

Nagito glanced over at his (h/c) haired lover who sat idly beside him staring uninterested at the wall infront of them.

"My hope, are you saying you want to commit a double suicide with a piece of scum like me?"

Even though Nagito spoke with happiness almost glee at the thought the (h/c) head didn't glance at him only nodding to his words.

Nagito's expression brightened a bit before it dulled. You seemed so empty.

Like you were looking for something that no one else could find.

Like you were falling in a endless pit that sucked you up whole.

Nagito finished wrapping his wound and wrapped his arms around (Y/n).

His hold was surprisingly firm around their form, which caused them to look at their white haired lover.

Nagito's eyes spiraled.

His greyish green eyes stared back into (Y/n)'s (e/c) ones.

"I would love to commit a double suicide with you! If a piece of trash like me can fulfill that wish I'm sure it would feel everyone with the hope to overcome us!"

Once more all the (h/c) head did was nod, their voice soft as they shrugged off Nagito's touch standing up infront of him.

"Alright then. Meet me at the bridge right before sunset don't be late." Before Nagito could say another word (Y/n) walked away from him leaving him alone in Mikan's quiet office.

Right before sunset (Y/n) sat on the edge of the bridge right infront of the railings.

Dull (e/c) eyes stared at the ground, that seemed the dance with droplets of water.

It was raining.

The rained looked beautiful against the ground. Small droplets collected on the ends of their (h/c) colored hair.

The sound of footsteps took their attention away from the gentle rain.

The (h/c) head looked up, (e/c) eyes meeting green almost grey eyes.

"I made it, my little hope" yeah he did, Nagito actually did even with the blood dripping down a few scratches that were most likely due to his 'bad' luck.

(Y/N) stood up, holding their hand out towards Nagito to take.

Nagito grabbed ahold of (Y/N)'s (s/c) hand intertwining his fingers with theirs, a act he only begun to believe made him less filthy.

(Y/n) carefully moved over the railing of the bridge helping Nagito stand on the ledge.

Beneath them was a river. Under the sky it looked endless.

Suddenly (Y/n)'s hand tightened around Nagito's causing him to looked at his lover.

"You know, this month has been rough. It reminds me of something that happened a while ago. It was a very unsavoury predicament. I thought I got over it but I guess not.. It's made it so hard to want to live as of late.."

Nagito only nodded deciding to stay silent as his lover talked.

They had mentioned a event to him before. A event that left terrible scars on them. They might not have been physical but the mental scars always hurt the most.

Slowly (Y/n) turned to look at Nagito, their eyes almost sparkling like the water below, a small snile on their face.

"I'm glad that if I die I get to die with you." Nagito's eyes widened.

He always told (Y/n) that he would die if they told him to. That he would take his own life if it brought you pleasure. Yet here you were. You were telling him you were happy to die with him.

Why?

Why would like to die with a waste of space like himself?

He couldn't think anymore when he felt a gentle tug on his hand.

"Let's go Nagito. Let's say goodbye to this hopeless world and be reborn in one full of hope. One thats suitable for you." Nagito didn't even think before he nodded, a small smile gracing his own features at (Y/n)'s words.

"Yes my hope, let's go."

With hands intertwined (Y/n) jumped first pulling Nagito along with them.

They were laughing. (Y/n) was laughing.

Laughing so happily that it made Nagito chuckle at the beautiful sound.

Soon soft lips crashed against Nagito's, both hands intertwined with his as (Y/n) kissed him so gently he felt as if he would melt.

As the water enveloped their bodies, making it's way into their lungs Nagito smiled happily.

The darkness was quick to close in.

The air in both their lungs leaving as water replaced it.

It was suffocating.

But it felt good.

The red hot feeling of water forcing it's way into them, their lips never parting until the last few air bubbled begun to dissipate.

___________________________________________

"Do any of you know where Nagito and (Y/n) went? I haven't seen them all day." Hajime looked up, his eyes locking with Naegi.

Naegi was right. Hajime didn't they he'd seen the two since the afternoon prior.

Hiyoko shrug stuffing a piece of candy into her mouth as she leaned against Mahiru.

"Who cares about those freaks? They'll show up eventually, so stop worrying about those-" before Hiyoko could finish her sentence Mahiru shoved another piece of candy into her mouth.

"I agree with Hiyoko, those two are probably off somewhere sleeping like last time." Soda chimed in.

Yet why couldn't Hajime knock off this feeling that something bad had happened..

Oh well.

Guess, it was just his imagination.

#x reader #angst #danganronpa #gender neutral reader #nagito x you #danganronpa nagito #nagito x reader #nagito komaeda #angst no happy ending #angst no comfort #no comfort

[copperbadge]

(This is a little heavy, but I wanted to apologise.) To be honest, the kinning ask was partly due to expecting you to know something about it, since you seem pretty well informed about fandom history and lore.

...But some of it was also spur of the moment upset, I'm afraid. I've repeatedly asked people on my fanart posts not to tag the characters as kin, and a lot of times they don't respect that. It's deeply anxiety inducing to see things tagged as something that I knew many neurodivergent kids/teens who tried to hurt themselves to get "back" to where they believed they came from, and seeing it bandied around so much ended up with me wanting input from a internet guy who's known to be more chill and objective.

Which isn't your responsibility, or something you could have read intothat short ask before. It's alright whether or not you decide to publish this ask, I just wanted to be clear and say sorry about the weirdness.

(Link to initial ask here, for the curious.)

You know, this is really interesting, and I feel a bit weird saying that in response to an apology, but I'd like to dig into this a little! And up front, I’m sorry you’re going through that -- Tumblrites are not always known for reading or adhering to the fine print even when the fine print is...huge. It sucks that people aren’t respecting your pretty reasonable request. 

A lot of times, when I get an apology like this, I will say "Hey no need to apologize" or similar, and honestly I wasn't expecting or in need of an apology from you. But I do appreciate that you are saying you had a kind of knee-jerk reaction to something external to the two of us and came to me about it, and that maybe that wasn't entirely appropriate. So in this case I want to say apology accepted. I don't want you to feel bad, but I want to accept the apology rather than say it wasn’t necessary, because I think it validates good behavior in you. This was a good ask for you to send and I know it can’t have been easy either. So you can absolutely stop reading here if you want to, knowing that I think you did a good job and I’m not mad in any way. 

But I do want to discuss it more, because it's actually incredibly common for me as an experience. 

I was aware -- which is why I took the stance of inquiry that I did -- that when you sent that ask you were very likely responding to something I couldn't see. I was a little wary, because one never knows when one is about to be sucked into some fight through sheer lack of context, but I didn't see the harm in responding honestly; if you were in earnest you'd get to hear my thoughts, and if you were being disingenuous I wasn't giving you much to get your hooks into. And hey presto, you were in earnest! 

If you had said "I'm wondering what your thoughts are on the term kinning, because XYZ" you would not even need an apology, that's a legit thing to want to ask someone when you know they'll have an interesting perspective. I think the minor struggle for both you and myself is that you made a statement of a stance, rather than asking a question. But again, I am not here to make you feel bad, I'm pointing it out because it's something a lot of people do. Not even to me -- just in the world in general.

But yes also to me sometimes.

Because I have a large readership, and because I have a reputation for thoughtful response, I get this kind of interaction with relative frequency. Many are perfectly fine, healthy things to say to someone with an open inbox, and that one wasn’t especially unhealthy. But sometimes, also, people who are caught in toxic habits will see my blog and without even realizing they’re doing it will try to use me, and by extension the readership, in unhealthy ways. Usually that’s pretty visible and I’m able to head it off, because people in that much pain aren’t subtle, but I also can’t always fix the problem, and sometimes the best I can do is silence.   

One of the reasons I stopped offering hugs to individual people and instead do the hug-for-all every Saturday is that I was beginning to get a lot of people who were using me -- using my platform to trauma-dump to a large audience, which can be emotionally gratifying but which is not behavior to encourage. It's not a healthy way to deal with pain, and it's not an appropriate way to interact with others; it doesn’t help the person in pain and it tends to isolate them because people pull away from constantly being subjected to a stranger’s suffering, especially if there’s nothing reciprocated.   

And to your credit you didn't roll up on me and just drop this pallet of understandable pain that you're feeling on my head. You wanted to hear my thoughts, which of course is gratifying to me, but also speaks to an urge in you to try and reconcile that pain, to figure out how to process it. And in opening up more about why you brought it to me, you’re now giving me context rather than, say, just yelling about people or yelling at me because I didn’t fully understand.

Ultimately, I think the message I want to convey at large is that if you (the generic, population-of-tumblr you) are in pain or sad or need help understanding something that’s causing distress, reaching out is absolutely the right thing to do. But we need to remember when we reach out that we are not asking a vending machine for a band-aid, we’re asking a whole person for their compassion, and that is not something we have a right to demand on terms we set. The easing of pain is a relationship, even if it’s only a temporary one, and a relationship is reciprocal. 

And you, Anon, personally, shouldn’t beat yourself up for not quiiiiiite getting there with the first ask -- you got a lot closer than a lot of people would. If I can put my Dad Hat on for a second, you’ve got good sound instincts, kiddo. Trust ‘em. 

#fandom interaction #trauma

[neurotypical-sonic]

(Hello, sorry if this sounds weird/rude, idk how to phrase this sentences tbh)

I really want to start writing fanfics, but I keep repeating the same word 3 times in the sentence and I don’t know how to phrase it in any other way to get around it, or making the sentence sound weird, and I keep having to relying on Google to type or using my iPhone mic speaker (it sometimes doesn’t work 50% of the time)in the search engine and type “spell [insert word here]” to recognise the words or know what it means, idk if some of that is because of autism or not.

Do you use any software application/apps to help with writing,

Also side note: when I’m trying to text to somebody on discord, I keep thinking the text I’m typing sounds rude, but I’m not trying to make it sound rude??, and then I just feel really high anxiety about it, is that normal???

Sorry for the long gibberish text lmao

Hi! This isn't rude or weird at all, don't worry! I also get really anxious sending asks or asking for advice, you're good.

I'm not the best person to ask, since I'm still very new to writing and I'm still figuring it out myself, but I'll try my best! Putting it under a readmore because it got long

I personally don't use any apps to help with writing. Google docs has some built in features, like autocorrect or suggestions about word choice/placement or grammar, but that's about it. I've heard Grammarly is good?

For spelling:

If autocorrect isn't working I simplify the word then look up synonyms for it. For example, if I'm struggling to spell "delighted, then I'll simplify that word to "happy", and then google "happy synonyms", and keep looking up and searching words until I get to it.

This is also very good if you're struggling to think of a word you need, or if you don't understand what a word means. Adding "synonym" to your search works wonders, for me at least.

Another option is beta readers! They read through your work and can help with things like spelling and grammar, etc. I get my sibling or mum to read through my shit all the time, and I'll go to friends for advice as well.

For actually writing:

I know exactly what you mean with the getting stuck on a sentence or word and not being able to get around it. I had been wanting to get back into writing for around a year and this always stopped me and made me give up, it's only recently, the past couple of months, that I've started to actually commit to writing and get around it. I still get caught up in it!!

A couple of things help me! The main one is sometimes you have to let yourself write Badly. I have multiple docs of when I first started to write again, and it's all bad, but making myself write it, without expecting to publish it, helped me figure out what works best for me. And more importantly, it helps you get back into the actual habit of writing, and gives you something you can go back and work on. It sucks, and it's hard, but sometimes you just got to write the world's worst sentence.

If that's not working, just bail. In all of my wips, I have half completed sentences where I was really struggling and couldn't get around it, so I just stopped and worked on something else, something easier, and then when I think I can try again, I come back to it.

Breaking to down into really simple sentences also helps, to have a foundation you can build on. Most of my fics start out like "Sonic and Tails have a talk about why Tails is upset. Tails is not making eye contact and is looking at the ground. He says that he didn't like it when Sonic ate his mints without asking. Sonic apologizes and says that he didn't know they were Tails' mints." Even dot points would work. Just the bare basics, and then now that I know what exactly is going to happen, I can go back and start actually Writing it.

One thing that helped me actually figure out how to write was reading other people's works, and noting what I really liked about their writing. What pacing choices, word choices, how they use actions and dialogue etc etc. Even doing things like "hmm I would've used a different word there or swapped the order of those actions" can help you figure out how you want to write.

I hope this helps? I'm not sure how much sense it makes sorry akgfdkjh

#If anyone else has advice feel free to add #ask #anon #egg.txt #please keep in mind that what works for me wont work for everyone

[cloverandcrossbones]

Autober: Autism pride and awareness challenge

Day 1: Stimming

Idk if I've started allowing myself to stim more since discovering my autism or if I'm just identifying them specifically as "stims" now and not habits, personal quirks, or nervous ticks like I probably used to!

Some stims are happy stims where I'm just so full of glee I can't keep still! Others are self soothing stims that calm me down when I'm nervous or upset. And some are stress stims when I am so full of bad feelings that I just have to Get. It. All. Out.

My stims:

Rocking/swaying: I sway side to side when I'm happy or eating good food, I rock back and forth when I'm anxious or overwhelmed

Happy feet tapping: usually I just tap the front of my feet up and down but when I'm really pleased (and lying down) I rock one or both feet back and forth from the ankles like a metronome (or a dog wagging its tail) I also like rubbing my feet against fun textures like soft blankets, sheets, or rugs that I like the feel of.

Leg bouncing: a classic. Helps me focus, prevents my leg muscles from falling asleep and helps with nerves. Fairly acceptable since neurotypicals so it too, but that also means it's frowned upon since they see it as just a bad habit.

Rapidly opening and closing my hands: I often alternate between having my thumb inside or outside of the fist each time. Kinda looks like I am making a poor attempt at sign language hand spelling...

Shake it off: letting my hands go limp at the wrists and then aggressively shaking them like when your hand gets sore from writing for a long time. Kind of like traditional flapping but side to side instead of up and down. I don't flap up and down as often.

Closing my fists and rotating them at the wrist: I've noticed a lot of neurotylical people do this one too when they're excited or looking at something cute! I think my threshold for excitement is lower for this stim than NT ppl though. I think this one is less noticeable than the shaking/flapping ones so I didn't register it as a stim at first.

Wiping hands/rubbing thumb across finger tips: kind of like when u get crumbs on ur fingers and are swiping them off. I do do this for crumbs but also after touching bad textures or trying to get a bad thought out of my head.

Thigh pushing: I do this when I'm very stressed, having or fighting off a meltdown or panic attack. I drive the heels of my palms into my thighs and pushing them along the length of my thighs (kind of like u might give a deep leg massage?). It provides good pressure for grounding myself and I can really dig my frustration into it without really hurting myself. It's better than digging my nails into my arms or pulling my hair like I used to do. This is usually paired with rocking back and forth.

Lip biting/chewing: trying to stop this one! It's bad for the obvious reasons that it's a damaging stim but also because I get cold sores so I have one spot on my lip that if I break it open it releases the virus cells and turns into a cold sore :( that sucks! If anyone has tips for avoiding this stim let me know!

Skin picking: like the lip biting I do this when I'm nervous or if there are textures on my skin bothering me. I've been wearing pimple patches over textured places so I can't feel them or pick at them.

Do you do any of these? Reblog with the stims we share (in post or tags) or make your own post to participate in Auctober!

#Auctober #Auctober 2022 #Autism #Women with autism

[eddywoww]

Um, so I hate myself apparently. I carried on talking to that friend that wanted to date me..... and ugh, I keep on getting in situations where I tell him stuff so that he will be happy and won't get upset with me and be cruel and dismissivey.. it's a very bad habit/reaction that I carry from my childhood and past relationships. He just acts like the world is going to end if I'm not even slightly interested in him and it sucks. Cause I feel like I have to tell him that I am. It's been 2 hours since we last spoke and I still feel shitty and awful and anxious. I don't understand why he doesn't understand that I don't want to be with or fuck him or ANYONE at all. I don't know what to do. I just want to try my fucking hardest to slowly distance myself from him and just. pretend everything is okay and I'm happy. How do I stop going back to him / telling him stuff that I don't want to?

Baby ☹️

I’m really sorry, I know it’s hard to stop talking to certain people. Especially when they’re toxic for you. I think we do that out of guilt or fear or both. Like it’s hard to say no to people and to put ourselves first a lot, so I get it. You’re worth a lot more than a guy who can’t no for an answer.

What’s the context of the things you’re telling him? I mean you don’t have to say. But if it’s things you can tell someone else, maybe try telling them instead of him? Bonding with someone who isn’t good for you is always gonna end up negative and bad, so you gotta be careful but I’m sure you know that 💕

#asks

[titanicfreija]

"The news of the massacre was kept quiet, but well-documented, with eleven perpetrators being caught and brought to justice. No recorded specific number of guests, but the dead in the home numbered fifty and fifty seven escaped to die outside. Five people survived the attack. Bodies outside the home scattered from the bluffs to the neighbor's garden half a click that way."

"I was a lot farther along than the bluffs," Freija remarked, looking down the hills to the cliffside, down which she had apparently scrambled to make a last stand about ten years ago.

"You were."

"Only five survivors?"

"Only five that came forth. There were more than a hundred and ten people there, so there were probably more that escaped farther than searched, or never came out of hiding after the attack. The five weren't identified anywhere, but the name appears eleven times in flight logs across the next year or so, and all but two disappear entirely after that, apparently having changed. The two that kept them both became pilots for the vanguard. One was shot down by Cabal forces during the Red War, and the other retired after losing an arm last year, and he lives in the Last City. Third cousins and unlikely to have ever seen her."

"So even if anyone knew where I was, they would be afraid to tell," muttered Freija.

"You don't like that you were left out like that?"

"Ten years? Six between dying and you finding me? Barely two clicks from the city I fled? Yeah, hurts my feelings. Being literally murdered as a political statement kinda sucks, you know?"

Sunny spun in place. "Sorry."

Freija cried out and covered her helmet with her hands. "I didn't want to fucking know!" The Titan stormed down the grassy hill and checked her guns out of habit, eventually perching on a ledge overlooking the clouds. Sunny let her get the space she wanted and kept an eye out.

"Never before have I encountered a guardian," said a strange voice. Sunny looked to see an Awoken woman with purple skin and purple hair and orange eyes she played up with an orange ascot. "My son wanted to meet the guardian. Is that okay?"

They were a lot closer to a civilian estate than Sunny realized, seeing the manor around a hillside. "Give her some time," Sunny requested. "I've been looking into who she was before she died the first time. We figured out she was murdered and she's kind of upset about it."

The woman swiveled to the distant figure on the cliff and put her hand to her chest. "I imagine so. I would hate to find out I was murdered."

"She gets murdered a lot," Sunny objected irritably. I mean really.

"Is the first death not different to the guardians?" the woman asked, tilting her head curiously. "I have not had a chance to ask but it seems like it should be formative."

"That's what I said," Sunny agreed. "I still think her death has something to do with who she is now. But the first one wipes their memories, so they don't remember it. So it's more like being conceived to them-- that time before consciousness. How they feel varies. She's always been kind of uncomfortable with her first death, so maybe I'm being mean a little, but she doesn't remember this stuff to be upset by it. She wasn't Saris."

"Is she sad she lost her family? You don't have to have something to feel like you lost it, sometimes."

"I did that when I couldn't find her," Sunny chuckled, then she felt a pang of sympathy. "Oh, if she feels like I did back then, I don't blame her."

Sunny flew over to Freija's side and bonked into her helmet before diving into her armor at her collar. "I'm sorry. I knew you didn't like it, but I didn't realize how bad."

Freija placed a hand on Sunny gently, cupping her close. "S'alright. I don't listen to you when you're begging me to stop, either. Getting what I deserve all over."

Sunny nudged gently. "Sarah didn't deserve being gunned down just because you do," she repeated.

Freija and Sunny laughed together and the Awoken got to her feet. "Is this my most impressive Guardian of Humanity, Bearer of Light outfit handy? I heard lady ask me to be Arisen at her son."

"Your armor is on fire."

"Awesome."

The woman waited at the top of the hill with her child standing at her side. He looked the human version of ten-ish, but they weren't sure about Awoken aging. Freija picked up her posture and checked her guns out of habit.

The round-faced child swayed on his toes and watched Freija approach, eyes bouncing from fire to fire on her armor. Rise had dressed her, so she looked fabulous, of course, but Freija forgot until now that it really was impressive. The Tower skewed her standard.

"Aren't you hot?" he asked first, unable to contain himself long enough for her to get close.

She stopped about ten steps off and made a show of brushing her flaming shoulders off. "Nope!" Sunny declared for her.

"Are you really immortal?"

"Technically, she dies and I get her back up."

The shining orange eyes matched his mother's, and he had the start of his family tattoo on his chin, a little line down the center in purple that matched his hair. Freija wondered how much longer he had breathed than she had.

"Can she talk?"

Freija nodded and Sunny said, "She lets me talk when her helmet's on. It's easier."

The boy nodded wide and hesitated for several moments, mustering up the courage to ask, "Can I touch your fire?"

Freija grinned under her helm and stepped closer to kneel. As he got closer, she offered the top of her helmet and one shoulder. He reached slowly and tentatively toward the small, low flames.

The Light glittered when he touched it, so he more bravely reached to the fire on top of her head. His palm glittered as a scabbed-over scrape dissipated. He withdrew quickly, examining the former wound.

"I didn't know my helmet fire could do that," Freija remarked to Sunny. "Figured only Phoenix Cradle would let me do that."

Sunny agreed via private channel. "There's other occasions. Those little fire pips. It's probably limited to scratches and scrapes, but apparently it's perfect for that. We hardly need a full sunspot, it's not a gunshot wound."

The boy bounced with his hands folded when she nodded to him. He put his other hand in the fire for a flash to watch the healing flesh. "Whoa..."

Freija stood up and nodded with Sunny's happy bob.

The boy flexed his hand and turned it for examination before he turned the awestruck gaze back to the guardian. "Are you here to fight with the Taken?"

"She's actually here to help me," Sunny sang, flying to his eye level and whirling her petals. She enjoyed watching his mouth hang open as he examined her motions. "Her name is Freija. I woke her up a few years ago on the shore down there," she said. Freija pointed over the cliff. "I found her bones and rebuilt her and brought her to life."

The little boy looked between them with his mouth agape. Sunny whirled again and hovered in a pleased circle. "I did, I did! From toe to tip!"

"Was it gross?" he asked, smile scrunching mischievously.

Sunny got close and whispered, "A little."

"Did her guts--"

"Hey!" Freija cried, swatting at Sunny playfully at the same time the boy's mother declared, "That's enough." She pulled her son back by the shoulder and shoved him behind her, muffling his objections.

"It's okay," Sunny promised. Freija put her hand over the front of her helmet and mimed laughing.

"Does she ever take the helmet off?" asked the woman. "If she was raised near here, I might have known her."

"We are trying to avoid people that might remember her face, so she's not gonna do that," Sunny explained quickly.

"That's fine. Was she a Pojin? I wasn't close with them, but the family was nothing but wonderful, was the biggest shock."

Freija whirled with her hands over her 'ears'.

"I think she was," Sunny whispered to the woman, temporarily cutting off the connection to Freija's helmet. "She's not interested. Anyway. Thank you! We enjoyed meeting your son! If I come back later for information, is--"

Freija lifted a hand to Sunny, somewhere between trying to push her sideways in the air and hold out a palm to say "stop".

Sunny dodged sideways and flitted over her head. "Okay, fine, no more. Anyway, thank you!"

"Thank you."

"Thank you!" echoed the boy, holding out his healed hands. "That was fascinating!"

Sunny giggled and bobbed as Freija gave a courteous bow before she turned and walked away.

"That wasn't so bad," Freija admitted.

"No?"

"Still not allowed to do it anymore."

~

Another dramatic miniseries

Sarah's Death (long)

Curious (medium)

Search (long)

Uncover (medium)

Insisting (medium)

Learn (medium)

Move on (long) <- you are here

Every Second (short)

#destiny 2 #d2 #ocs #writing #freija #scribble #sunny #pre-freija

[giraffeonstrike]

I'm going to say something that is going to sound weird and potentially "sus" but just do me a favor please and let yourself take in the ENTIRE thing.

Most of the time, I prefer to exist around younger people.

I don't creepily hang out with 12 year olds but at my age, "younger people" has a range from 18-30. And speaking of my age, here's the reason why I don't have a lot of 40-something friends: my generation had been rendered useless in matters of empathy and emotional wellness. Raised by boomers, unless we've had some very honest conversations with ourselves about how the people around us are real and valid, we are unlikely to ask you how you feel about anything. To try to find the root cause of why you're upset. Even less likely to attempt to do anything about it.

Take for my most recent example: my wife is pregnant and very emotional and cries at the drop of hat. At this point she *will* cry about Poptarts, which she did this morning at the grocery store. A man my age or maybe a little older standing near us, who we don't know, felt it necessary to tell her "Jesus Christ, calm down". The late-teens, maybe early twenties young man stocking the aisle, however, gently tapped rubbed her arm and said "it's okay, what kind did you want? I can try to find some in the back for you." I don't think it's down to just the fact that he works there. He did what all the young folks I know will do when they come across someone in distress, attempt to soothe them and help how they can. It doesn't even matter if it's something "silly", they find emotions of any kind to be way more valid than people my age do. We were just told to calm down and control ourselves. Our whole lives we were told to suck it up and move on...consequently we're kind of terrible.

Anyway...thanks to kind, young Poptart hero Jayden, all tears have dried. The correct flavor has been taken home, and he didn't even ask her why she was crying. (Another bad habit of men my age is asking women who are having feelings if they're pregnant or on their period which, what the actual fuck?) We talked to him as long as we could without getting him in trouble and he said that it hurts his feelings when people cry, and how could you just let a person cry and not at least try to help? He can't do it.

It may seem like such a small thing, but it gives me so much hope that things will get better. The whole world will become more collaborative, loving, empathetic. That the generational curse of selfishness will cease to be passed on further. That we'll finally be allowed to feel.

[fuckthisshitimin]

Something nice that happened to me!

So on Friday we did a presentation with my class, the scenes we've been working on for the last months. The school printed some posters - and well, I changed my name with the front desk and my teachers but never did so with the administration because it's only ever used in private emails that I'll be the only one to see so I don't really care.

But the posters, they were printed by the administration, so my deadname was there, plastered on the front door and I flipped when I saw it. No one else had read it or noticed, because honestly we had other shit to do, so lucky me, and I just. I tried to calm down and I saw that wasn't gonna work nicely. And I thought fuck it. Fuck it, I'm scared and shocked and there's nobody here who isn't on my side so I'll process this as I can, and I asked for help with making a sticker with my name to put over the deadname, and I got all the help I needed and I told them 'hey I'm feeling like shit so my top priority right now is calming down', not even in so many words, and they made arrangements and helped me so I could get a ten minutes break to go for a smoke before I needed to be on stage for dress rehearsal. Passing by the front desk, first I tried to say something and realized I was just gonna scream so I gave up. I calmed down a bit. Walking by the front desk again I explained tersely, and the guy was sorry for me and offered to take care of it for me right now and I said I didn't have the time and would do it later myself, he already had a phone in hand, but I insisted I'd do it, so he apologized on the admin's behalf saying it sucked and I went back to work. Two minutes later I was on stage screaming and it was nice. And when I came out of stage a friend took me by the hand and showed me the poster. Reprinted with the correct name. And everyone was with me, ready to be helpful or supportive or angry on my behalf, whatever was needed, and like.

I'm quite a sensitive person. I'm the bitch that gets anxious, panic attacks over the place, tearing up and all that, and I used to hate being the one that has to be taken care of. But I take care of people, too, and now that I am better in general, it's good to have an awful moment and realize 'yeah this bad emotion is strong and it's not gonna disappear if i just hide it and other people will see it anyway and they care so i can just let the emotion rage and pass and trust them to react sanely'.

And the other day, the girl that had the poster reprinted, she's really more used to taking care of people than she is used to be taken care of. It breaks my heart at times, and I do my best (as a lot of us do) to offer support whenever we can. Well some awful shit happened to her and she flipped. I had never seen her cry at all, let alone like that. Upset and hurt and we were with her through it, and she kept saying we could go do better stuff. And apologizing for taking our time, or for letting her venom out to process her anger. And when later that day we talked again she thanked me for being there and said she felt stupid - she said she was going to text our friend and apologize for taking so much of his time when he comforted her. I said we all chose to be with her because that's what friends do, and we'd rather she's not alone to deal with that. I said that texting our friend was a good idea but that if she felt she was glad we were here, saying thanks would be much better than apologizing. We're happy to know we can make things less shit. And she looked surprised and relaxed by this, she heard it, and I was so glad.

Like how happy she was showing me that new poster. How patient friends are to let me swear and throw hands and fail rolling my fucking cigarette and just tag along with things.

You know, it's something I've lived by for a long time. I know I used to apologize all the time, for everything, and we know it's a bad habit, we know it puts us down, makes us feel like we're inconveniences and not people. But it's hard to lose it - and when we are bothersome, what else can we say really? When we feel we drag our friends down with us? And saying Thank you is really worth it. If you're about to say Sorry to a friend, by reflex, wonder if you could say thanks instead.

And it works even if you do feel sorry. Another thing: I'm sorry is about you, thank you is about them. If you have done nothing wrong to them, them knowing you feel sorry about it will not make them feel any better. On the other hand, if their bearing whatever they tried to shoulder with you made you feel even a tiny bit better, them knowing it will make them feel good.

So yeah. I'm just rambling, but it made me feel better, all this. All the bad emotions and the good ones that grow from them, surprisingly. It's long, unlearning to feel bad about feeling bad, but it is so rewarding. It's all worth it.

#[meaningless statement] #bloodposting

[dzpenumbra]

4/19/23

I have had this thing lately (the past few years) where I will write paragraphs and paragraphs - reddit comments, replies or whatever the fuck they call them on here, shit like that - and... my process, when I'm not doing stream of consciousness like this, is to proofread... and then add more... and then proofread... and then add more. And it turns into a fucking like 3 hour ordeal and like 2.5 pages of commentary. And then... I usually delete it. I usually go... "someone is just going to write one fucking typo riddled autocorrected sentence and pick a fucking fight with me without even reading what I said, its not even goddamn worth it." And, unfortunately, enough goddamn times... that's been correct. Enough for compulsively deleting draft after draft and then never posting anything to become an engrained habit. Thanks a lot, Reddit. Really appreciate it.

I'm typing this because I spent the last hour and a half drafting a reply I was writing on someone else's journal on here. Tumblr limits your reply length, so... I just... kept rewriting and rephrasing, trying to optimize the space and communicate all the thoughts I had. And... I couldn't. And by the end, I was just worried that... I was just worried that me commenting on the journal would just kinda upset her or make her anxious, so I backed off. I feel bad. It's my problem, my anxiety, and I really just wanted to reassure her that like... it's not her fault. I just really wanted to be the reassuring, kind, pat-on-the-back voice for someone that I have needed so many times in identical situations to what she's going through. So, if she's reading this... you didn't do anything wrong. He needs to work with someone to manage his emotions. Therapy would be good, or a good friend. But he needs to seek that out, and he really should be communicating better with you, and it's super not fair that he's blaming your actions for him reliving his past pain. Those two things are tangentially related, not directly, and that is very often confused by a shocking number of people. If an individual chooses to avoid their triggers and not deal with the emotions, that's their own choice to make, but the second they start going around policing the innocent behaviors of others? And blaming their actions for the tangential pain it caused them? That's... that's not fuckin healthy, dogg. That's nooot gooooood.

And... I suck at confrontation and setting boundaries... so... I really don't know how to give advice for that. What I would try if I had a girlfriend who was dealing with this... would be to say: "Look, I know the location brings up bad memories. I would never pressure you to go there yourself. But our friends are insisting I go because it's like... a tradition kinda thing... so how about when I go to that, you do something special for yourself, something fun that you look forward to, special 'you-time' kinda shit. Treat yo self. Then, when I get home, we can do something fun together, or if you need to process and work through any emotions or memories that might've come up and need someone to commiserate on how much of a piece of shit those people were to you and how it still hurts, I've got your back."

That's how I would deal with it. And if they still blamed me after that and told me I was not allowed to go to that location because me going to that location was "causing them pain"... and that meant I was causing them pain? I would strongly consider leaving the relationship. At very least setting a huge bold neon boundary there and let them know that attempting to control my behaviors as a way of avoiding processing their own feelings... is... not on the table.

Sorry for the... bit of a context-less tangent there. It was a very relatable situation for me. From both sides, unfortunately. I have always been intensely emotional, and I have not always been as... skillful... as I am now. It has been years and years and years of grueling, intense work. But I can really say, the work does pay off.

Today, I woke up after 4 hours of sleep. My upstairs neighbor was listening to action movies at a decently high volume at 10AM like right the fuck above my bed. And again, I ran into the same night-shift insomniac quandary I have run into my entire adult life. When you go to bed at 5 AM, regardless of whether it's a work-related, mental health-related or biophysical-related cause for that circadian rhythm... you can reliably expect for people to NOT be compassionate towards your desire for a quiet sleeping environment before noon. I have run into this many times over the past 5 years. Blasting explosions and gunfire and muffled screaming above the bedroom of an insomniac with PTSD - who wakes up wide-eyed, heart racing, still clutching the staff they went to sleep holding for a sense of security - on a Tuesday morning at 10AM is a basic human right. HOWEVER, walking around on creaky floorboards at 4AM is you being an inconsiderate asshole. <sighs>

I have no idea if it's because these people just don't care about keeping quiet? If they're college kids or city folk or just... oblivious or don't give a shit or something? I mean, it's just really hard for me to process the mindset of someone who moans really loud while having sex at like 10PM on a weeknight in an apartment building. Like... you know people are gonna hear you, right? They just don't care, right? The whole mindset is just so... alien to me. How can you care that little about how your actions impact others?

In an odd way, I'm kinda jealous. How liberating that must feel.

My running theory is... maybe it's because they're on the top floor. They don't have an upstairs neighbor. Sound does seem to travel down more than through the walls, and I've rarely heard my downstairs neighbors more than just an occasional loud cough. Maybe they aren't aware of how much sound carries downstairs because they have no one upstairs? I don't know.

Either way... I got some cereal, curled up in the comfy chair, popped in the AirPods with the noise cancelling on and tried to nap. I woke up like 3 or 4 times. But I got some sleep. Yoga was intense today, but I was mostly able to keep up.

Here's the really good news. I got a ton of work done on the desire path project today. A fuckin butt-ton. I got the camera glitches sorted out. I got the video rendered in 3 different shots. A panning intro shot following the paths. A wide shot of the paths growing. A close-up of a diverging desire path forming. All the video came out great. I got it all put into the video editor, I added in the camera shake which really brought more life to it, really glad I figured that out. Then I programmed all the crossfades I needed. I even went and filmed some replacement cinematic shots in Minecraft without any of the HUD shit to show off the shrines. They look real slick with the shaders and everything.

The video is now mostly done... the only pieces left are... About 3 minutes of raw hiking footage, which would be pretty cool as like... a time lapse? Maybe several different trail walks spliced together to keep it interesting? Gonna have to reserve a car and get up early for that. And... this other section where I was talking about the precursor ideas to what I ended up going with... where I was discussing making rudimentary AI and having them explore a topographical map... then replacing the AI with me using a ballpoint pen. And I settled on my way of presenting this being... me illustrating what I'm talking about in the VO as though I'm drawing it on a whiteboard, and animating that. Like I'm drawing it in real-time. And then the whiteboard shit can actually come to life, which is cool.

So... those are the next steps - hike and whiteboard animation. Whiteboard animation will likely be first, because my sleep schedule has been totally fucked. But if I can pick a nice day and just reserve the car and say "no matter how little sleep I get that night, I'm driving 20 minutes over to that national park and filming", I guarantee I will have a great day and it will be worth it. Just have to overcome the anxiety of driving while not 100%, which has been plaguing me for years and years and years. When a friend loses their sister to a car crash like 50 yards from their house, and you lived like... right down the street from that? And drove down that road past that spot every day? It sticks with you, you know?

The rest of the video is just cosmetic shit, like a credits page (which would be just... literally everything made by me...) or like... a little nudge for people to go over to my barren neglected Patreon. It's worth putting in there.

So yeah, that was basically it. I had 2 avocados and 3 baked potatoes with butter, salt, pepper, green onion, sour cream and a mix of pepper jack and habanero jack cheese on em for dinner, and it was great. And I watched a bit of a Red Dead RP stream in the background. And that was the day. And now I'm fucking wiped, so... I'm off to bed! Hopefully I don't get woken up by really loud TV for the 3rd day in a row. You're welcome, downstairs neighbor, for me literally always wearing headphones with my PC and my TV.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

[heartshattering]

Tonight ended up being such a high anxiety night. I still haven't slept yet but hopefully I will soon. I think I figured out some of what I've been doing wrong and what I need to remind myself of. I'll dump my thoughts under the cut.

First, I know this is foolish but I tried to force myself to finish a piece of media that was triggering me. I had already read parts of it before and knew the whole story including the ending but I wanted to have it 100% completed for my list. Eventually I reached a point where I couldn't keep reading, and stopped. And that's okay. I had to drop another thing I was reading prior to that, because it was boring (so I picked up the triggering story because at least it was less boring so I thought I'd be able to finish it). I need to stop forcing myself to do things I don't really want to do, there's no point, I just have a perfectionist nature and like when I can say I finished something completely but it's not always worth it.

Next is that I've been freaking myself out, even when I'm successful at something. Because then my next thought is "Well how long can I keep this up?" and my mind already starts racing to the next hour or the next day. And then I give myself panic attacks from overthinking and putting myself in catastrophic situations that aren't fucking real (or even realistic to begin with). It's so damn ridiculous, I'm already setting myself up for failure before it can even happen. Yeah, I need to stop that, too.

I've noticed myself feeling super hopeless and I honestly do need to bring back some of my hopefulness. It really does feel terrible to just rot. It's only comforting for so long before it becomes depressing as fuck and makes me feel like I've undone a lot of my progress. (I know progress can't be undone, but still) I'm disgusted at myself for thinking it was "okay". Maybe I did need to experience it for a while just to get it out of my system and because I was going through really high stress but I feel so ashamed of how I hurt myself towards the end of March. I had a lot of 'recovery win' days, went back to feeling like a failure, but instead of picking myself up again, I actually started to treat myself even worse than before and let my habits get really bad. I want to avoid doing that again.

I read somewhere that you can't just collect wisdom, you have to use it too, so I need to get serious about using the coping skills I've learned about. And again, NOT let myself fall back into that fucking awful misery pit I was stuck in. I am trying to take things a little at a time. I have some positive phrases I repeat to myself when I feel overwhelmed. I keep trying to remember other times I've pulled myself out of spirals like this before. I'm really feeling the shittiness of it all, it sucks, I would do anything not to feel this fucking low right now. I really can't express how upset I am at myself for just having just given up so pathetically.

I need to get back on track with an endless list of things. I've been sleeping during the day so I haven't been able to get my dad to pick my meds up for me, and I'm going through another fucking IBS flare-up. I've been neglecting myself... you know, that whole stupid thing where someone is feeling better so they think they don't need their meds anymore, but it was their meds making them feel better. Yeah, I did that. And my dad even asked me about my meds and I was like "It's okay, I haven't been having flare-ups" and "It's not a life or death medication, I'm fine". GODDDD I'm so irresponsible with myself but anyway. I should be getting my meds today hopefully.

I also need to cut down on one med that worsens my IBS symptoms. (This one is okay to cut down on, because I have alternatives I can take that won't give me the IBS symptoms, and I went for weeks last month not taking this one so I really don't need it) And I also have to stop taking meds on an empty stomach without even any coffee, sometimes I wasn't even taking them with water because I didn't want to get up and grab water.

I want to go back to sleeping better. I actually get deeper sleep when I sleep with less meds. It's just that it takes me a lot longer to fall asleep, and my schedule has been all fucked up lately. I want to at least stay on the lowest dose that is still safe and works for me, and not rely on them too much. (I know this is possible because I was doing better with sleep in January and before my emotional breakdown towards the end of March, so again... just another thing I need to get back on track with)

And ugh, I just. Realize there are all sorts of things I want to do, that are totally everyday normal things, and that those are the things I should be focusing on. Like. I have things I want to enjoy (that I will actually have fun with and that won't trigger me). I want to keep watching and reading new stuff. I want to stay alive for my puppy. I want to take care of myself and feel physically better even when it feels like there's no point. There IS a point, I'm worth it no matter what bullshit my brain tries to tell me. I want to feel proud of myself for every time I resist a compulsive behavior. I want to feel what it's like to eat normally and sleep normally again. I want to create more stuff for my own enjoyment. I want to laugh and smile and be happy, not rot. I want the gift I got myself to come in the mail. I want to be fucking nice to myself instead of all the shit I've done to myself in the past to numb myself or hurt myself. I'm so sorry I treated my past self like shit, but I can't erase the past. I just need to keep hanging on and believing that I'll get out of this mess/cycle/pattern/whatever you want to call it. Just one little baby step at a time. I can and I will do it.

#that lifted a huge weight off my shoulders #I weirdly feel better for now #I cried while I was writing most of that #anyway #gonna try to sleep #even if I don't then I can at least rest a little #I finished some work today and have some small goals planned so I do feel better #and I really am going to try to pull myself out of the shitty hole I found myself in #thank you to anyone who read my whole ramble haha #I hope anyone who's struggling can eventually feel better too #it's hell but the only way out is through

[boowhumps]

Whumptober 2023

Day 23

(@whumptober)

By - B.W

⚠TW⚠

~ Swearing

~ Mentions of Blood

~ Mentions of Injury

~ Mentions of Death

Enjoy!

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

"Yeah.. Im almost there.." Karyme says as she speaks into the phone.

"..."

"Just leave the door open.."

"..."

"For the love of Selyna, no ones going to break in, Leony.."

"..."

"Fine.. I'll hurry.."

"..."

"Yeah yeah, see you in a bit."

Karyme hangs up the phone, sighing. She runs her band through her hair as she walks to the dormitories.

Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, she spots a figure that quickly disappears.

Karyme pulls her jacket tighter around herself and speeds up.

She keeps her gaze straight ahead, her hand slipping into her pocket.

She looks around, but sees no one. Normally, she would calm down, but with all the weird disappearances around camps, she isn't willing to take any chances.

Karyme keeps walking, really hoping that Leony left the door unlocked like she had asked..

A sudden grasp on her shoulder makes Karyme jump and spin around to face the figure she had seen stalking her in the shadows.

She pulls out her pocket knife and flicks it open, and barely manages to move out of the way as they swing at her with a weird-looking dagger..

The figure is dressed in all black, and in wearing a cloak that has some sort of symbol on it..

A triangle.?

Or an oval.?

...

No..

A diamond.

Karyme backs away from the figure, hand gripping the pocket knife tightly.

The figure slowly takes a step forward, and starts to whisper.

"..shes watching.." It whispers.

Karyme backs up some more..

"..she senses a disturbance.."

Karyme hits a wall, unable to back up anymore..

"..you are disturbance.. you are sin.." It mumbles.

It suddenly lunges at her, pinking her to the wall. Karyme groans and struggles against the person.

Karyme sucks in a sharp breath, and angles her leg to deliver a hard blow right into the figures ribs.

The figure releases her, and Karyme delivers another kick to its stomach, and without a second thought books it towards the dormitories, her adrenaline high..

__

Karyme pushes the door to her room open, gasping for air from the running.

She is quick to shut the door, finally feeling the adrenaline giving way.

She stumbles a bit to the couch, where she promptly collapses, sighing in relief.

Leony, Karyme's roommate and childhood friend, comes walking in from the kitchen.

"What took you so long?" She asks, a hand on her hip.

Karyme sighs. "..nothing.."

Leony frowns. "If you were with Kaiden just say so, Selyna knows we've all been there.."

Karyme groans. "I was not fucking around, if that's what you're implying."

Leony shrugs. "We're 16, Karyme."

Karyme rolls her eyes. "I'm painfully aware.."

Leony crosses her arms, sighing.

Karyme sits up, suddenly noticing a shooting pain in her stomach. She looks down and immediately feels her heart stop..

"Hey Leony.." Karyme mumbles.

Leony raises an eyebrow. "Hm?"

"What if, hypothetically.. someone had been stabbed in their stomach.." Karyme says slowly. "How bad would that be.?"

Leony groans. "You and your stupid questions.." She sighs. "But just to give you piece of mind.. it would be pretty bad."

Karyme hums. "Okay.. so then I'm fucked.."

Karyme motions to her hand which had been resting on the side of her stomach, which is now covered in blood.

Leony's eyes widen. "Karyme-"

"-it's a long story.." Karyme mumbles. "Just get the first aid kit, I'll live."

Leony groans in frustration. "Okay, no. Stab wounds mean hospital, not DIY."

Karyme narrows her eyes. "I know you mean well.. but I'm bleeding out, and I'd rather not do it on this couch." She explains. "We're temporary guests, and I'm not paying to wash the blood stains out of the couch."

Leony frowns, clearly upset. "You could die."

Karyme sighs. "..not such a bad idea, actually.."

"Karyme!"

"Sorry.. force of habit."

Leony groans into her hands. "Fine.. but don't blame me if you get an infection.."

Karyme hums. "Wouldn't dream of it."

__

"And.." Karyme mumbles to herself as she wraps up her torso. "Done. See, not so bad." She tells Leony.

"Still think the hospital would've been a better option.." Leony mumbles in response.

Karyme sighs, fixing her shirt. "Dont stress, I'll live through the night."

Leony smirks a bit, although it disappears instantly.

"..I'm holding you to that then, Karyme." She says a bit more light-heartedly.

Karyme nods, leaning on her doorframe. "And if I dont make it.?"

Leony shakes her head. "Then I'll see you in the afterlife and beat you up."

Karyme stops, sighing.

"..Toche.."

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

#whumptober #whumptober day 23 #whump writing #soooo this is kinda awkward.. #cuz im pretty sure i wrote this exact part of my story for Whumpril. #although to be fair my story has changed quite a bit since April #so ig its fine #anwaysss im far too tired to say anything else here. #and as always #enjoy! :)

[cryptidscries]

// vent post its so fucking annoying to me whenever my parents shame me for things I did/do when I'm severely depressed. I go through periods where I don't shower, brush my teeth, eat, drink water, don't clean my room, don't do homework, don't leave the house, etc. and sometimes I'll leave dishes in my room with half drinken coffee or something and it will sit there for a while and get nasty. And like...these are things that happen when I'm severely, debilitatingly, depressed or if I'm having a really hard time remembering things or focusing on things long enough to do simple tasks and its really fucking upsetting to me that I get shamed for it in front of my entire fucking family.

It's not like I'm actively choosing to be forgetful, or depressed, or have a hard time focusing. I cant control it and it makes me feel so gross and ashamed whenever my parents says shit like "You're disgusting" "Your room is a pigsty" "Oh look who is finally out of the cave" "You look like shit". I remind myself of this shit enough, I don't need the people who are supposed to be there for me and caring for me saying such hurtful things to me. It's not hard to figure out that my behavior only gets like this when I am very visibly struggling. Its not asking a lot for them to not make comments like that because I'm already in a shitty place and constantly thinking about how everyone thinks I'm disgusting and a freak. It's just upsetting because whenever I'm depressed like that they just make me feel worse, and whenever I'm not depressed they make comments about all the bad habits/behaviors I have when I am, that makes me sad, that hurt, and it makes me revert back into a toxic mindset and I get sent back the same pit of depression. Which fucking sucks. Especially in cases like rn when I'm very depressed, and constant really shitty things keep happening to me, and its taking everything in me to NOT go back to the really shitty behavior I have when I'm like this.

#just my silly thoughts #depression #depression tw #idk man #my parents just make me really frustrated #and angry #sometimes istg my parents only pay attention to me when im depressed or when they want to be mean about when I was badly depressed