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#°◦— the orphan
taviamoth · 4 months
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This is not a natural disaster. This was not inevitable. They didn't grow up like this. It was inflicted on them by the vilest sadists on earth.
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fact-dogsarehappiness · 3 months
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Another reason why I’m a firm believer in letting Bruce get old is because the idea of him looking and his dark haired children without his glasses on and genuinely not being able to tell them apart is unparalleled
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awetfrog · 6 months
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Do u think gales autism would just make him immune to astarions manipulation tactics
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ditzybat · 2 months
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non-gotham locals think the most prolific bat-villain is the joker, or scarecrow, even the riddler — or any of their assorted highly dangerous deluded rogues.
but a real gothamite knows how big a pain in the ass condiment king is, in fact, urban legend says that the bat kids have formed a pact to not tell batman if condiment king just happens to turn up… at the bottom of gotham harbor.
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The only time when all the batkids will work together in perfect harmony is to prank Bruce.
And for the best prank all they needed was a few label makers.
Labels are put on everything.
On every mug, on every plate, on every bandaid package.
The chocolate bars are labeled "BatSnack".
The fruits become "Batana", "Batricot" and "Batermelon".
Every button on the microwave, every key on the keyboard, it all gets a label.
"Batstop button", "Batstart button", "Bat-A-key", Bat-Enter-key".
Bruce's desk isn't simply the "Batdesk". It is the "Batwood construction surface".
There is a label beneath the desk too.
Originally named "underside of Batwood construction surface".
It takes days, weeks, months to remove all the labels.
Until one day, when Bruce makes a few new installations in the cave.
Surely some higher being is laughing at him right now, Bruce thinks, as he pulls of the last one.
"Batceiling"
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maxiemumdamage · 4 months
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Alastor being all “Charlie is like a daughter to me!” when in fact their relationship is usually polite antagonism at best is so damn funny to me. Like he never even really believed in Charlie’s ambitions, he was at the Hotel for laughs, but then an opportunity falls into his lap to taunt Lucifer in emotionally damaging ways and get away with it and he ran.
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yrkhn · 29 days
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mm how abt cass beating jason in a fight?
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I really enjoyed this request! I would have liked to draw a small storyboard for this idea, but I only had enough energy for this sketch.
god i love them both
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lazylittledragon · 5 months
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more domestics to warm the soul <33
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oldmannapping · 4 months
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Crack HC, because is there any other kind?
Bruce realises embarrassingly late that his Batkids can’t swim.
Gotham’s beach water is pure chemicals and sewage, and the city’s public school funding doesn’t exactly prioritise teaching kids to swim. Steph, Duke and Jason had never seen a swimming pool before meeting Bruce.
Tim’s parents meant to sign him up for swim lessons after he fell into their indoor fountain when he was three and nearly drowned - it would have been so embarrassing if it happened when they had guests! - but forgot.
So Bruce is like. Oh no my baby-soldiers must learn to swim.
Damian insists that since the League trained him to withstand waterboarding, he’s fine. Bruce pulls a muscle in his cheek from clenching his jaw so hard.
Dick insists that he can swim and manages one impressive mermaid-style undulation before becoming disoriented and slamming into the wall.
Duke covers himself in floaties and clings to a pool noodle for dear life, eschewing dignity because “this isn’t how I die”.
Conversely, Tim sinks like a stone, curls up on the bottom of the pool, and waits for death.
Cass, with the lowest body fat percentage, also sinks but manages to squeeze into one of the drains. She re-emerges six hours later in an estuary in New Jersey.
Steph refuses to let go of the wall by the deep end, scuttling away like a crab when Bruce tries to poke her into the water with a skimmer net.
Jason scoffs at them all and manages a perfect swan dive before flailing and crashing into Steph, causing both of them to panic and use each other as ladders to get out.
Alfred asks Barbara for the security camera footage and makes everyone watch it twice a year to keep their egos in check.
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incorrectbatfam · 8 days
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while we wait.
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may i offer you all a pubby?? lil bby barns?
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yuwigqi · 3 months
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HC an actual real forensic psychologist interviews Joker, and realizes he does not meet the legal requirements for being mentally unfit to stand trial (TRUE), and the jury finds he does not meet the requirements for criminal insanity (TRUE) and he is sentenced to death and just like actually successfully executed by Belle Reve Penitentiary.
Batman's official statement "I do not kill. However, I do not give formal statements in political issues, such as the death penalty. If Joker escapes, I will send him back to Belle Reve, regardless of whatever sentencing he receives. I am a Vanguard. I am not a New Jersey Apex Court Justice. Sentencing is outside my jurisdiction or personal interests. Thank you."
Orphan's statement is "I believe wholeheartedly in the sanctity of life. However, I am not opposed to euthanasia."
Red Hood gets hired as a literal Seasonal Summer Worker for Belle Reve, and stands guard.
Barbara Gordon gets hired as Belle Reve Archivist.
Duke Thomas speaks publicly about the Justice System's constant ignorance of the realities of Mental Illness, and the pathologization of acts of violence as mental illness, as well as how white men are frequently given passes for violence by the justice system.
The Joker is executed on April 1st. He is cremated, and his ashes are used in compost alongside goat and pig manure.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel is tried as well, and actually found criminally insane, and after 1 year in psychiatric hospital, and triweekly therapy, she has shown proof of improvement and rehabilitation, 2 years after that, her licensure is reinstated. Instead of going into patient practice, she does psychiatric research, and publishes several papers on the interactions of PTSD and psychotic disorders, as well as developing counseling treatments for domestic abuse and cult survivors.
"Jokes on You Day" becomes a national holiday.
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yourlocal-edgelord · 14 days
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Cass: Baby brother
*Jason Tim and Damian look up in response*
*Jason and Damian noticing each other looking up*
Damian: She’s talking to me Todd
Jason: Pretty sure she was talking to me pipsqueak
Cass shaking her head: baby brother hurt
Jason with a cut on his forearm: Told ya it was me *sticks out tongue*
*Tim trying to hide the fact he dislocated his shoulder while creeping upstairs*
Cass pointing up at tim: Baby brother
*offended noises from both jason and damian*
Jason clutching his heart in mock hurt: I thought i was your baby brother cass
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violent138 · 27 days
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Duke: "Bad news guys, he managed to give me the slip."
Tim: "How? Okay, who's got eyes on him?"
Damian: "He's just... gone."
Tim: "Hood?"
Jason, eating takeout: "Stop hacking my comms for this, I'm not even there!" *leaves the channel*
Steph: "Negative from me, I've been tailing some whole other guy."
Tim: "Nightwing?"
Dick, in a whole other city, on the computer, barely listening: "I already told Alfred I left the keys in the--"
Tim: "Thanks anyways. Orphan?"
Cass:
Tim: "Well shit. Everyone, we need to find him now."
Kate, spotting Bruce holding someone's black-haired baby at the Gala and immediately taking the baby from him: "No."
Kate, pressing a hand to her earpiece: "I got him just in time. Don't give me those puppy dog eyes Bruce, you can't even keep all your kids' names straight anymore."
Tim: "Phew, crisis averted everyone, good work. But remain vigilant."
Jason: "Tim, I swear to God--"
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mashamorevvna · 8 months
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my favourite tweet abt the 3 chosen
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heylosers06 · 2 months
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Dare I say the best members of the bat family!!!
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