Tonic For The Heart
Description: Gavin's eyes are sharp, especially when it comes to his beloved partner. He's noticed how she's slipped away, sadness and fatigue enveloping her like a shroud. So he suggests going out, to find ways to make her smile, to coax happiness into her heart once more.
Pairing: Gavin Bai x Female OC (Rowan)
Warnings: Mild sexual content (at the end), suggestive content, mentions of depression/a depressive episode, mentions of anxiety, mentions of OCD
Notes: Hello!!! This is a bit of a personal, self indulgent piece I wrote while I wasn't feeling particularly well mentally. Thinking about the ways Gav would help and be supportive have certainly helped when I've been at my lows, mentally and emotionally, and writing this through was quite cathartic for me. I like to think he'd be supportive and sweet (and like mildly horny but when isn't he). Anyways, I hope this brightens your day, because Gavin would most certainly love you and help however he could no matter what.
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Hands appeared on either side of Rowan, gently drawing her phone from her hands.
“Maybe that’s not such a good idea,” Gavin murmured, turning her phone off and hiding it from view.
Huffing, Rowan crossed her arms, glaring at the floor. “Give me my phone back, Gavin.”
He tsked, arms wrapping around her once again to hold her closer. “No. I know what you’re doing and it will only make things worse.”
She glared harder, wishing she could shrivel up and disappear. Gavin might have had a point, but that didn’t mean she was happy about it.
She’d been trying to make a few final pulls in one of her favourite gacha games, thinking maybe if she got the unit she wanted she would feel a little better.
She should have known better, known that it wasn’t going to make her feel better. But the draw of something shiny and new made her think it could at least offer a scrap of joy in the seemingly depthless fatigue and despair she felt like she was drowning in.
“You don’t know that,” she grumbled, wiggling away from Gavin’s arms and flopping onto her side on the bed.
She’d had a panic attack a few days ago, the first in a while. It had been brought on by family visiting, a cousin thinking they were joking around as they trampled over her carefully constructed boundaries. She’d had to send them away, her hands shaking and her mind screaming. Sweat had beaded on her forehead despite the chill in the air, a vestige of the waning winter.
Then had come the breathlessness, her vision swimming as she struggled to draw in breath, lungs spasming as she gasped and gasped and still nothing seemed to fill her chest. The roil of her belly, the strangled scream lodged in her throat as her hands twitched, unsure of what to do.
Her voice had eventually arrived, as had burning tears that limned the world silver, as though it were beautiful and innocent and painted in starlight.
That’s how Gavin had found her, returning home from errands, still standing in the place she had been when she’d sent her cousin away.
He’d had to coax her from the place she’d been frozen, gently taking her hands and helping her to wash them before taking over the cleanup to make their home feel safe again. He’d had to help her into the showering, murmuring gentle words and promises of safety as he’d ran his fingers through her hair, as he’d rinsed the soap from her body.
And then he had held her, for what seemed like hours, as the afternoon sun exploded as dusk burned across the sky, before the indigo blanket of night wrapped around the world and the stars winked into existence. She hadn’t been able to move, suddenly too tired to do even the small things she had hoped to do that day. To work on a personal project, to watch the new episode of a show she’d been keeping up with, to play the new game she’d just bought.
She’d been unable to do anything but sit there, tucked against Gavin’s chest, silent tears running down her cheeks as she’d stared at the wall. A sitcom she’d already watched a million times played on the television screen, the dialogue nothing more than dull murmurings against her ears.
Rowan had felt exhausted the following day, perhaps even worse than she had in the hours after the attack. Fatigue weighed her body down like lead, despite her chest feeling strangely hollow. She’d felt like a revenant, her flesh rotting, her bones in decay. No blood to be pumped through her deteriorating veins, nothing to coax her cold heart to beat. Her body trapped in the throes of rigor mortis, hardly able to be moved.
Gavin had stayed with her as long as he’d been able, even forgoing his usual morning run, but he’d had to leave for work far too soon. He’d coaxed her from bed before leaving, setting out one of her favourite dresses. It had been crumpled in the dryer, forgotten along with the load of laundry she’d been handling before her cousin had stopped by.
Seeing it had brought tears to her eyes, even as she’d drawn it over her head, mussing her already messy hair. She’d smoothed her hands over the wrinkles, leaning against Gavin as he’d pulled his jacket on, quietly pleading with him not to leave.
He’d had to go, and of course she’d known he’d had to. His job was important to him, and he always worked hard. She couldn’t have ask him to shirk his responsibilities, had already been ashamed that he’d wasted his afternoon and evening off coddling her like a fussy toddler.
But Gavin had still called her when he’d had the moments to spare, and he’d returned home that night with her favourite takeout and a bouquet of fresh peonies that filled the house with the smell of spring.
She’d been so thankful, so grateful for his kindness, his gentle hands as he’d cradled her against his chest again, rubbing her back as he’d told her about his day. But still she’d felt hollow, as though there were a hole where her heart ought to have been, and all his warmth and love seemed to spill through, leaving her just as cold and empty as she’d been that morning.
Listening to Gavin had made her feel even more ashamed, even days later the feeling gripping her heart, crumpling it like paper. Because she’d accomplished nothing when he’d been at work. She’d managed to do the dishes, wipe down the kitchen from their breakfast. But she’d had work she’d wanted to do, projects she’d wanted to put time into.
She’d hardly even had the energy to warm up leftovers for her lunch, and when Gavin had returned home with his bouquet of flowers and her favourite food she’d just been staring at her computer screen, hands trembling above the keyboard, unable to do even the simplest of tasks.
It got better, but it also did not. Her fatigue clinging to her, blurring her mind and slowing her thoughts until she felt as though she were dragging herself through mud. She could do regular chores around the house, but she could not seem to bring herself to do the things she usually loved. She could not work on her projects, she could not focus her attention on any new shows, she could not play any games, even though some part of herself that still lived screamed to do something, to do anything.
Rowan wondered if she would ever be able to shrug off this feeling that swathed her. If she would ever escape the feeling of being empty, of being alive but feeling dead.
She’d plucked her phone from her side table by the bed with the intention of forcing herself to play something, do something. Maybe if she bulldozed her way through something she enjoyed she would feel better. Maybe it would be cathartic. Maybe she would feel warmth spilling into her chest, healing the hole where her heart had been.
And then she’d logged into one of her few mobile games, eyes landing on a new gacha event, promising a shiny new unit that she very much wanted.
This had happened before, and she was certain she needed to speak to a professional about it, but she’d convinced herself that maybe if she got that new unit she would feel better. Not wholly healed, but better enough to play a game, and then afterwards better enough to work on her stagnating projects. That somehow it would have a ripple effect and by the end of the day she would feel better if she just managed to win that unit.
Historically that had not really been the case, and with the randomness of the system it was more likely that she would lose and her last fraying thread of hope would snap and everything would feel so much worse.
Logically, Rowan knew it was good that Gavin had caught her quickly, and yet still she found herself infinitely annoyed with his meddling.
She rolled onto her stomach, pressing her face against her pillow. “Just leave me to rot, then.”
A snort, followed by a sigh as the bed shifted by Gavin’s movements. She felt his hands at her side, gently rolling her onto her side. “I could never do that.”
Rowan huffed, flicking her eyes away, towards the wall behind him so she didn’t have to look at the amber of his eyes, gold with the light of the morning sun spilling across his face. Concern wrinkled his brow and twisted his mouth, and his touch was gentle as he brushed her hair back from her cheek.
How horrible she was, how ashamed he must be. To have a wife who could not shake something off even days after the event.
“Still not feeling good?” He asked, his voice soft as he rested his hand on her hip.
“No,” she muttered, staring straight ahead, avoiding his gaze.
“Rowan, why won’t you look at me?”
Her bottom lip quivered, but she resolutely looked ahead. “It’s been days, Gavin. This is shameful behaviour. You must be so embarrassed by how I’m acting.”
“I’m not embarrassed,” he said, his voice hitching. “Why would you think that?”
“Because I’m being ridiculous. I’m being stupid. It’s been days and I still feel like shit.”
He sighed, cupping her cheek. “You’re not being ridiculous. I know your head works a little differently from mine, but that doesn’t mean you’re being ridiculous. Maybe we just need to try something new.”
She wrinkled her nose. “I don’t want to try something new. I shouldn’t have to try something new. I should be able to just feel better. This doesn’t bother people the way it does me, and not for nearly as long as this.”
She rolled over quickly, facing the wall, unable to look away from Gavin a moment longer unless she was facing away from him. She couldn’t bear to look into his eyes, to face him. What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she be normal.
“I miss your face,” he cooed, sounding upset even as his arm wrapped around her waist, his breath brushing against the back of her neck. “Why did you turn away?”
“So I don’t have to look at you. So you don’t have to look at your stupid wife.”
“Rowan,” his tone was less soft now, the gentleness giving way to something unyielding. The stone of a mountain beneath the soft grass and wildflowers of the meadow that blanketed it.
“You’re not stupid,” he continued, turning her back around, his expression somber. “You’re not stupid, and I don’t think you’re stupid. And I’m not ashamed of you. I just want to help.”
His gaze wavered and he sighed, leaning his brow against hers. “Just let me help you.”
An ache spiderwebbed from her chest, reaching through her body, cracking against her bones, releasing her marrow to pool in her veins.
“I don’t know what can help,” she said, her words soft as breath. “Nothing seems to help.”
He ran his hand over her back, massaging gently. “Well then why don’t we try something new?”
“Like what?” She couldn’t help snapping, feeling surly.
There was something about asking for help that always grated against her, about doing something differently than how she did. Like there was something wrong with her, like she couldn’t handle things on her own. Like she were a toddler, and needed her hands held to get through the simplest of tasks.
Of course, maybe there was something wrong with her.
It still grated, still made her want to shrivel up and vanish from the world.
Gavin clicked his tongue, pinching her cheek. “Don’t say no yet, you don’t know what I’m going to suggest.”
Rowan frowned, batting away his hand. “I think I liked it better when you were shy about touching me.”
He snorted. “Like when we first started dating?”
“You wouldn’t have pinched my cheek then.”
Gavin laughed, his hand trailing around the waistband of her sleep shorts, fingers slipping past it. “There’s a lot I wouldn’t have done then.”
She sucked in a breath, hands balling in the material of his shirt as he dipped his fingers lower. “Gavin.”
“But now I can show you all the ways I love you,” he drawled, mischief in his eyes.
Rowan flattened her hands against his chest, shoving him back. “Gavin, not now.”
He retracted his hand, although his grin remained. “I think I like it more now. I feel happy touching you.”
“Horny jerk,” she muttered, pushing him further away as he laughed.
“Okay, okay,” he conceded, holding his hands up, palms out. “I’m done teasing. But I do want you to hear me out.”
Pulling her arms back, Rowan sighed. “Fine. What were you thinking?”
His smile softened. “I think we should go out today.”
She was already shaking her head, her stomach dropping. The last thing she wanted to do was go out while she still felt so poor. “Oh Gavin, I don’t know. I don’t want to go out and-”
“For me?” He asked, cutting her off. “At least try, pumpkin. It can’t hurt.”
Face burning, Rowan looked away. “Okay, I guess.”
He beamed, closing the distance between them to press a kiss to her brow. “Great. Then let’s get up.”
“You haven’t told me where,” she said, frowning as Gavin sat up.
His only response was to kiss her cheek. “It’s a surprise. You’ll have to get up to find out.”
Steeling herself, Rowan yielded, letting Gavin draw her from bed before he straightened the sheets, telling her to get dressed. She supposed for him, at least, she would try, and see what he had planned for the day.
***
Rowan hadn’t known what to expect, although finding herself on a bench next to a paved path that ran alongside the local lake had not been it.
“Gavin, what are we doing?” She asked, watching curiously as he laced up the pastel pink and blue roller-skates he’d helped her put on. Another pair was propped against the leg of the bench waiting for Gavin.
He grinned. “Remember when you mentioned that you thought we should take more walks together?”
She frowned. “Yeah?”
“And remember when you were looking at those roller skates online?”
She arched a brow, peeking down at the skates he was nearly done lacing up, the pair she had been pining after for weeks now. “I do.”
“Well why not both?” He asked, smiling wider as he finished up with her skates, moving to sit next to her.
“Gavin I haven’t exactly roller-skated before, I’m not going to be the best,” she said, feeling awkward as her feet slipped out from under her and having to drag them back.
“That’s okay,” he murmured, bumping his nose against hers, his lips only just grazing hers. “I’ll be here with you, we’ll do it together.”
She sighed as he pulled away, crossing her arms over her knees as he pried off his shoes and tucked them into the backpack he’d brought along. “I can’t believe you remembered.”
“Of course I remembered,” he said, arching a brow as he shot her an incredulous look. “I try to remember everything I can about you.”
Her face flamed and she looked down, watching his deft fingers as they began lacing up his own skates.
“And it wasn’t exactly hard to figure out about the skates,” he teased, drawing her attention back to his face. “You left the tab open on your computer for weeks.”
She balked. “You broke into my computer?”
He shrugged, finishing up with his skates. “I just checked out the website when you forgot to close your laptop when you went to the bathroom.”
“Gavin,” she scolded.
Another shrug as he stood. “I wanted it to be a surprise, I couldn’t just ask you.”
Rowan frowned at his offered hand, stewing over the fact that he’d snooped on her computer when she wasn’t there. “That’s not a habit of yours, is it?”
He didn’t respond, although his mischievous smile suggested that occasionally it was.
“Come on, pumpkin,” he said, reaching his offered hand closer. “It’s warm today, it will be perfect to try out the skates.”
“Alright,” Rowan said, taking his hand, letting him draw her to her feet. She felt hesitant, even as he gently pulled her down the path, the bag he’d brought with their shoes slung over his shoulder.
“It’s alright, I promise,” he said, keeping hold of her hand as she stumbled behind him. “I’m right here.”
Her legs shook as she tried to follow beside him, her stomach lurching when the trail dipped and she started picking up speed. “Gavin, how do I make it stop?”
He only squeezed her hand, explaining how to turn her feet to the side to slow her descent. Heart in her throat, clutching Gavin’s hand so tightly she was sure she was cutting off circulation, she did her best to follow his instructions. Relief flooded through her as she began to slow, and she slumped against Gavin’s side when they came to a stop.
“See?” He said, his words warm as they threaded with the wind. He ran a hand over her hair, smoothing back her bangs. “That wasn’t so bad, right?”
She nodded, even as she continued to clutch his side, legs shaking like they were made of jelly.
“Why don’t we keep going?” He suggested, stroking her cheek with the back of his hand. “You’ll feel more confident once you’ve tried them for a bit.”
“Gavin, I’m terrified I’ll fall over,” she whined, squeezing her eyes shut. “And this isn’t making me feel any better.”
“It’s only been a few minutes,” he murmured, brushing her hair back. “Some things take time, and you’ve only just started.”
She wanted to protest more, wanted to curl up in a ball and draw a soft blanket over her body and melt away. The sun felt as though it were piercing her eyes, the pollen in the air stuffing her nose. She was already sweating, from anxiety more than any real physical exertion, and her stomach was in knots as small groups of people and couples passed them by. A few teenagers shot them a few weird looks, and a woman walking her dog snorted as Rowan stumbled forward.
“You wanted to learn to skate anyways, didn’t you?” Gavin asked, taking her face in his hands and tilting her head up, so she couldn’t see anything but him, but the glittering gold of his eyes. They were so reminiscent of starlight she imagined she was floating in the middle of the unending darkness of space, a trail of stardust and light guiding her way towards something wonderful, towards the warmth of the stars that loved her.
“I did,” she said. “But Gavin, I-”
“No buts, okay?” He asked, smiling even as his brow creased. “Let’s try for a little while longer. And if you like it then we can come here more often.”
“Okay,” she grumbled, pulling away from his side.
“Don’t pout,” he said, ducking his head as his eyes fell to her mouth, running the pad of his thumb over her bottom lip. “Or else I’ll have to do something about it.”
“Like what?” She asked, raising her brows. “Are you going to arrest me, officer?”
“That’s not a bad idea,” he mused. “I could handcuff you.”
She laughed, a scrap of mirth bursting in her chest like embers of a flame. “Handcuff me to what?”
Humming, Gavin leaned closer, his nose bumping with hers, a languid, wicked smile arcing across his lips. “Would you like to find out?”
The tightness in her belly and the trembling in her legs weren’t brought on by anxiety now, and although Gavin had been teasing her, Rowan couldn’t help but feel a little thankful. His taunts were distracting her from the icy anxiety that had her stomach roiling and the leaden feeling she had been carrying deep in her bones for days now.
“I’d say you’ll have to catch me first, but I don’t think I’m going to get very far,” she admitted.
“Well maybe you just need a little practice.”
She smiled again, those flickering embers beginning to catch on the tinder in her heart. At the very least she could try.
***
Although Rowan had agreed to try roller-skating for the day, she hadn’t expected Gavin to take such advantage of the opportunity. They skated for what felt like years, although surely couldn’t have been more than a few hours.
He worked out every day, and seemed to be an expert in every sport and outdoor activity, including skating. He glided effortlessly down the path, not even breaking a sweat as he skated.
Rowan, on the other hand, felt exhausted after twenty minutes, her legs shaking from exertion and sweat pouring down her back. She kept tripping over seemingly nothing, shrieking whenever the path started going downhill until she’d managed to completely stop. Her hand was like a claw in Gavin’s, clutching it so tight her knuckles had long since turned white.
But despite that, Gavin persisted, coaxing her forward down the path, the lake glistening like it was made up of precious gems beneath the afternoon sun.
She knew her legs were going to ache the next day, having never roller-skated for so long before, having never roller-skated at all before now. But she reached a point in the day where she no longer cared, lungs heaving as she tried keeping up with Gavin, wiping sweat from her brow.
He paused a few times, directing them to benches that looked out over the lake. He offered her water and snacks that he’d stowed away in the bag slung over his shoulders, but after a few minutes he would stand, dragging her with him. Giving her enough time to rest, but not enough to think too much about anything other than getting to sit for a few minutes and have something to drink.
Although she did start desperately craving curry of all things, and a sweet drink. Maybe a mixed cocktail, something with a fruity flavour and a sugary base.
“Gavin,” she said, breaking the comfortable quiet that had draped over them as they sat, staring out at the lake.
He raised a brow, watching her from the corner of his eye as he took a long drink from his water bottle. His throat bobbed, a trickle of water slipping from the lip of the bottle and slipping down his throat.
It snagged her attention, her train of thought derailing and crashing in a burst of flames as she took in his appearance. The sweat that beaded on his brow, the way the sun gilded his hair, the way it set his eyes alight like they were made of sunfire.
He swallowed again, throat bobbing, and Rowan’s stomach twisted, an ache blooming between her legs that had nothing to do with how long they’d been skating.
Gavin’s brow arched higher and he lowered the water bottle, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. The movement summoned a memory in Rowan’s mind, of Gavin kneeling between her legs, wiping his mouth as he grinned, his eyes so dark they seemed to smolder like fiery embers.
“Rowan?” His voice yanked her back to the present, his hand cupping her cheek as his eyes searched hers, concern staining his tone. “Is something wrong? Your face is red.”
She pulled back, shaking her head furiously, trying to dispel the heady memory. “No, sorry. I’m alright. I was just lost in thought for a second there.”
The corners of his eyes crinkled as he gave her a bemused smile. “You’re sure.”
“Very sure,” she answered, hastily grabbing her own water bottle and taking a long sip.
He tipped his head to the side, still looking bemused, but the light in his eyes turning mischievous.
“Did you want to ask me something?” He asked.
Rowan nodded as she clutched the water bottle between her hands, willing all the desire in her body to go away. She would never hear the end of it if he found out he’d turned her on by accident. She also would never get a chance to have that curry and sweet drink today, maybe tomorrow too, knowing Gavin.
“I wanted to ask if you wanted to go out to get dinner,” she said, picking at a thread on her sleeve. “I know we had takeout a few days ago, but…” She trailed off, not sure what else to say.
“Of course we can,” he said, his smile gentler now. “What were you thinking?”
“I kind of really wanted curry,” she said. “And a cocktail. Or maybe two.”
Brow arched, Gavin chuckled. He reached out to cup her face, ducking his head to brush his lips against hers. “We can do whatever you want.”
“Really?” She asked, her voice squeaking as the kiss reignited the ache in her core she had hoped to stifle.
“Really,” he said, lips trailing from the corner of her lips down her throat. “As long as it will make you happy.”
She giggled, thoughts growing hazy as he nipped at the corner of her jaw. “Gavin, we’re in public.”
“And?”
She pinched his side, earning nothing but a heady chuckle and his teeth against her throat.
“Gavin,” she chastised. Although her heart wasn’t entirely in it, her mind slipping away as she imagined all the things she wanted him to do to her.
But she was craving that food so much right now. Surely he could wait a few hours. Surely they both could.
“Gavin please,” she said, a little more firmly this time.
He paused, looking up at her from beneath the fringe of his bangs. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” she promised, running her fingers through his hair. “I just kind of really want to get some food before anything else.”
His eyes closed for a moment as he pulled away. He took a steadying breath, his smile soft as he opened his eyes. “Of course. Then we should probably start heading back.”
He stood first, offering her his hand. And this time Rowan didn’t hesitate, letting him draw her back down along the lake.
***
They were both sweaty by the time they arrived back at home, and changed quickly into fresh clothes before heading back out. Rowan’s legs were already beginning to ache, and she knew she was going to be sore when she woke up the next day. But she was certain she wouldn’t mind too much. Maybe Gavin would take her skating again soon, until her body was used to the movements and no longer ached afterwards.
Hands intertwined, they wandered through the city, electing to walk rather than drive.
“It’s good to walk around sometimes,” Gavin had said, although when Rowan had countered that they’d just been on their feet all afternoon he’d only chuckled. Promised that all the extra exercise and movement would make her feel better.
Whether that was true or not was yet to be seen, but she was certain that despite the early desire that had kindled in her veins, it was very unlikely anything would be happening tonight. She could already feel fatigue creeping in at the edges of her consciousness, the kind of full body fatigue that only came from way more physical exertion than she was used to.
She wasn’t sure if Gavin’s efforts would truly help to soothe her heart, but she did know that she would sleep very, very well that night.
She slumped against him as they finally arrived at the restaurant, eyes falling closed as they waited for the hostess to take down their information and put them on the waiting list.
“Hey,” Gavin murmured, brushing his knuckles across her cheek as they sat in the low chairs lining the walls of the entrance as they waited for a table to open up.
Rowan groaned, readjusting as she tried to snuggle against his side.
“Don’t fall asleep yet,” he cooed, pressing his lips to her brow. “We haven’t even eaten anything yet.”
“I feel sleepy,” she muttered, cracking her eyes open to peek up at him.
“It’s all that sunshine and exercise,” he teased, trailing his lips along the curve of her jaw. “You need to get out more.”
“I go out,” she argued, which she only realized was a weak rejoinder once it had left her lips. Gavin straightened, his grin impish as he caught her eye.
“You should go out more,” he said, snorting as she rolled her eyes. “I’m serious. Maybe it will help.”
“I don’t know if there’s anything that can help me,” she grumbled, crossing her arms as she slumped in her seat. “I might just be broken.”
“You’re not broken,” he said, reaching for her hand, prying it away from where she’d tucked it beneath her arm. “But maybe starting some new habits will help so you don’t feel so bad when this happens again.”
She nodded, muttering out a quiet “I guess” like a morose child.
“You could come out with me on my run tomorrow,” Gavin suggested, massaging her hand. “That would be a good place to start.”
“I don’t think I’m going to be waking up before noon after today,” she said, sighing. “I already feel exhausted.”
“Something in the evening then,” he said, reaching for her other hand. “We can go to my gym. Or there’s a new pool that opened that we could try. It’s pretty quiet in the evenings.”
“Do we have to do something tomorrow?” She whined, twisting in her seat to face him, trying to summon her most pitiful puppy dog eyes and pout to sway him. “I’ll be so tired, babey.”
But Gavin did not cave, instead snorting as he released her hand. “It’s good to start better habits as soon as you can. And besides, we can do it together. It will be fun.”
Rowan groaned, staring up at the ceiling. Working out at all sounded like the exact opposite of fun.
Maybe if she didn’t bring it up again he would forget. And they could watch a movie or play a game tomorrow evening instead.
The sound of rustling at her side drew Rowan’s attention back to Gavin as he pulled his phone from his pocket.
“What are you doing?” She asked, peeking over his shoulder, momentarily forgetting her earlier chagrin.
“Putting it in my calendar for tomorrow so I don’t forget,” he said, arching a brow as his eyes caught hers. “So neither of us forgets.”
Rowan wrinkled her nose, frowning at the implication that Gavin had already guessed she’d hoped he would forget about working out tomorrow evening.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he pouted. He tucked his phone away, reaching for her face again. “I love your smile.”
“I don’t want to smile, you’re trying to torture me.”
Warm laughter rang through the room, filling the air with light, as though she were being swept up towards the sun.
“It’s not torture,” Gavin insisted, stroking her cheek as he continued to laugh. “I promise. I really think it could help.”
But before Rowan could argue any further, the hostess called their name, beckoning them over to follow her into the restaurant.
Gavin was grinning far too widely for her liking as he took her hand, drawing her from her seat and following behind the hostess.
“If I’m honest, I have a selfish reason for wanting you to come out with me tomorrow evening too,” he whispered, leaning close so his lips brushed against the shell of her ear.
Although Gavin hadn’t said anything particularly improper, still Rowan felt her face burning. He was so close, his breath sending shivers down her spine. His words tangled in her mind, his voice twining around her ribs and looping through her veins and nerves, like a languid summer wind rattling leaves and branches as it passed by.
“What do you mean?” She asked, voice quivering, her legs wobbling like jelly.
He hummed, the sound warming her veins, liquid heat pooling in her core. She wasn’t expecting the scrape of his teeth, gasping as she felt them against her ear.
“You’ll have to wait and see,” was his final response before he peeled away, moving to pull out a chair for her to sit.
Rowan didn’t know how she made it the final few steps to the table, falling back into her chair before Gavin moved to take his seat. The hostess was chattering about something, but Rowan didn’t catch it. Her words sounded like they were coming from underwater, garbled and slurred and strange.
All she did know was that her face was burning and her legs were shaking and she wasn’t sure if it was from fatigue or Gavin’s teasing. Maybe both.
She drained the water set at the table before the server arrived, wishing it would clear her mind and settle her racing thoughts. At the very least she could feel her face beginning to cool, and she heaved a sigh of relief as she set her glass to the side.
“Dehydrated?” Gavin asked, peeking at her over the menu as he flipped through it. “Did I not bring enough water?”
She huffed, refusing to make eye contact. “Something like that.”
He hummed, propping his chin in hand, smirking. “Or are you maybe craving something else?”
She kicked him, but even as he winced Gavin laughed, reaching across the table for her hand.
“I love you,” he said, leaning forward to press a kiss to her knuckles before releasing her hand. “I love you so much.”
Rowan felt baffled as he leaned back, lifting his menu to once again peruse the options. He was telling her he loved her now? After she’d kicked him?
“Gavin, are you feeling okay?” She asked. “Did you get too much sun?”
He blinked, seeming just as baffled as she’d been. “No. Why?”
“I think you might be delusional,” she said, leaning forward to press the back of her hand against his brow. “Maybe you have a fever?”
“I don’t have a fever,” he said, gently batting her hand away. “What’s this about?”
Rowan sank back into her seat, pouting. “Well you said that you loved me.”
“I do love you.”
“After I kicked you.”
A pause, his bemused smile growing wider, brighter as understanding flashed in the amber of his eyes.
“I love you always,” he said, far too smoothly. It made her belly twist, made the heat in her core burn as though her bones were kindling for a wildfire. “Even when you kick me.”
She chewed on her bottom lip, looking away. She struggled to keep the flush she could feel creeping across her body in check. She also struggled against the urge to kick Gavin again.
Rowan was starting to think going out today was more for him than her.
“You’re paying for dinner,” she grumbled, snatching up her menu and opening it with a flick. “And I’m ordering a mai tai.”
“As you wish,” he said, voice warming around the edges, like sun-warmed honey.
“And I want crab rangoons for an appetizer,” she muttered, feeling particularly surly after being teased.
“We can get whatever you want, pumpkin,” he promised. “Do you want to order some things to share?”
Rowan hesitated. Part of her rebelled against acting anything but a petulant child, still annoyed that he’d teased her. That he always managed to surreptitiously tease her in public, leaving her on the edge of becoming a mess and unable to do a thing about it.
But she also did want to share some plates, wanted to spear food right off of Gavin’s plate when he wasn’t looking. Whatever he ordered always ended up tasting better anyways.
“We can get some noodles,” he suggested, leaning forward again, brows raised. She knew he was trying to make peace for teasing her earlier. “And a few different curries if you want.”
“And crab rangoons?”
“Of course.”
Rowan snapped her menu shut again, already knowing exactly what she wanted. She smiled, feeling a little lighter than she had that morning when she had felt like a corpse walking. “Okay, I think we should do that.”
“Perfect timing,” Gavin beamed. “I think that’s our server now.”
“Don’t forget my mai tai,” she added, pointing to the small menu of drink specials propped up in the middle of the table.
He took her hand again, squeezing gently. “I could never forget anything about you.”
She rolled her eyes, but her heart softened all the same. Even if he was talking about her drink order.
***
Dinner was delicious, and for a few brief moments Rowan forgot everything but how content she felt as she clutched the bag of their leftovers in one hand and Gavin’s arm in her other.
She might have had more than one cocktail. Maybe two. Maybe three. Blessedly, Gavin said nothing. He’d only smiled, helping to pack away their leftovers and tuck them into the bag they were given before paying the bill.
She leaned against him, her head empty but for a dawn-coloured haze and the smell of his cologne.
“You smell nice,” she mumbled, dropping her head so it fell against his shoulder. “You should wear this more often.”
“Anything for you, love,” he said, laughing when she brushed her lips against his throat.
“Why are you always so kind,” she muttered, peeling away. “I haven’t exactly been a ray of sunshine lately. Why are you doing all of this?”
His brow creased, the light of the streetlights flaring to life catching in his eyes, turning them gold. They were like stars, guiding lights that kept her safe. His smile was small, almost amused at her question.
“Because I love you,” he said, squeezing her hand so tight it nearly hurt. Like he didn’t want to let her go, like he was scared of what would happen if he let her go, if she slipped from his grasp.
“I love you, and I want to protect you,” he said, drawing her to the side, so he could hold her gaze. “I want to take care of you. I would never hold your feelings against you.”
She wanted to protest, opening her mouth to argue. She was being surly, selfish, lazy. She wasn’t doing anything, she was morose. She was a rainstorm stretching darkness across the sky, plunging the world into a chilled, damp misery.
Gavin’s gaze hardened, if only for a moment. His mouth pressed into a thin line, and he reached up to cup her cheek, pressing the pad of his thumb against her lips.
“No arguing,” he said. His tone was firm, although there was still some of that kindness.
She considered licking his finger to see what would happen, but decided against it. She was sure Gavin would only use it to his advantage somehow.
“All I want to do is take care of you, and help you feel better,” he said. “I love you regardless of how you’re feeling. Whether you’re struggling or not. I’m here for you. Always.”
Rowan’s eyes burned, all thoughts of licking his thumb to tease him gone. The world was blurring at the edges, painted in messy strokes of quicksilver as he spoke. Her heart ached, ribs fracturing against the pressure of it as his words slipped through her veins, pumped through her with every erratic beat of her heart.
“And when you have these attacks, I want you to lean on me. Let me take care of you until you feel better again.”
Rowan sniffled, her bottom lip wobbling. She didn’t have any words, her throat closing up in anticipation of sobs building in her chest.
“Don’t cry,” Gavin cooed, his hand sliding away from her lips, his thumb stroking her cheek. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
Her lip continued wobbling, and she closed her eyes as the world was drowned in silver, blurring so she couldn’t make out anything but the gold of his eyes.
“It’s hard not to,” she cried. “You can’t just say sweet things like that.”
“But I want to,” he murmured, leaning close until their brows bumped together. “I want to tell you sweet things every day.”
“Then you’ll have to put up with me crying.”
“Are they at least happy tears?”
She sniffled, offering him a wobbly smile. “Maybe.”
A huff of laughter ghosted against her lips. “Then I’ll just wipe your tears away until you can smile.”
She cracked her eyes open, catching the light in his own. “I’m smiling right now, aren’t I?”
He chuckled, catching her off-guard as he pressed his lips to hers, tongue swiping over her bottom lip as she gasped.
“I love your smile,” he murmured, breaking away, beaming as though they weren’t pressed up together at the edge of an alley at dusk. “I’ll make sure you can always smile.”
“You’ll have your work cut out for you,” she said, smiling wryly.
“I’d do anything for you,” he breathed, offering one last, painfully chaste kiss to her lips before stepping back. “Although we should probably head home before it gets too late.”
She giggled, wiping the corners of her eyes. “I do feel like I’m in desperate need of a shower.”
“I can help with that.”
Rolling her eyes, Rowan shook her head. “I don’t think much showering would get done then.”
He pouted, taking her hand as they began walking down the street once more. “I would make sure you get clean…” he trailed off, as though he were about to say more, but had thought better of it.
Rowan pressed her lips together to stifle her smile as she hummed. She was trying to sound disapproving, but it sounded more like she was considering his suggestion.
Which she might have been. Depending on how tired she was when they got home.
Gavin’s eyes alighted on something to the side and he paused, drawing Rowan to a halt beside him.
“What is it?” She asked, curious as she turned to search for what he was looking at.
A few feet from them was a neon flashing sign for an arcade. The door was open to let in the evening spring air, and sugary techno music poured onto the street, undercut by the beeps and pings of the machines and games inside.
“Do you want to go in?” She asked, tilting her head towards the arcade. “I don’t think we’ve ever been.”
He hummed. “Would that be okay with you? I think it might be fun. Maybe there’s a game we can play together.”
Rowan bobbed her head, delight bubbling in her chest. “I would love that.”
He smiled, drawing her along with him. “I’ll even let you pick the first game.”
Rowan winced as they stepped into the arcade, the music much louder now that they were inside. She felt like she had to practically shout to be heard above the music. “I’ve never been to an arcade before! I don’t know what to pick!”
“We’ll have to take a look!” Gavin said, squeezing her hand as they walked up to the front counter.
They had to purchase two little cards, loaded with credits to use on the machines rather than coins. The staff member at the front explained it to them quickly as she loaded up their cards. It was meant to replace using change and tokens, especially since many of the newer machines didn’t accept any coins at all. She also directed them to little self-serve stations around the arcade where they could load more money onto their cards if they ran out.
Wrapping his arm around her waist, Gavin drew Rowan deeper into the arcade once he had been handed the receipt for their cards. “What do you want to do first?”
She cast her gaze around, frowning as they wandered around, trying to decide on one of the many colourful, flashing machines. “I’m not sure. There’s just so many.”
“Do you want a plushie?” He asked, directing her attention to a massive claw machine next to a pacman game, neon pinks and greens and blues flashing around the pile of stuffed animals trapped within the case.
She clapped her hands together, walking up to the machine. “I do! But I’m no good at these.”
“That’s alright. I’ll win one for you,” Gavin promised, brushing a kiss against her brow. “Which one do you want?”
Rowan pointed to a fluffy teal otter grinning up at them from the side of the pile. “That one please!”
He swiped his card against the card reader on the machine, the claw jerking to the starting position as a little chime sounded from speakers embedded inside the glass case.
“This shouldn’t be too hard,” Gavin mused, taking hold of the toggle stick and moving the claw.
***
As it happened, it was hard. Rowan had to cover her mouth with both hands to stifle her laughter as Gavin struggled to move the claw. She’d lost count of how many attempts it had been now, but still Gavin persisted, intent on getting the otter.
“It’s not that big of a deal,” she said, resting her hand against his arm. She readjusted her other arm, clutching at the few plushies he had managed to snag. They just weren’t the otter. “I can live without it.”
He sighed, hanging his head. “But you wanted it.”
“I want to have fun with you more,” she said, her voice soft as she leaned against his side. “Why don’t we look at some other games?”
Gavin shot one last glare at the otter, smirking at them from the other side of the glass, before relenting. “Alright, pumpkin. What would you like to do next?”
Rowan tapped her cheek, peering around the room. “Why not a dancing game?”
Gavin paled, even as he coughed, trying to look nonchalant. “A dancing game?”
“Like dance dance revolution,” she said, dragging him across the room. She could see the flashing pad that they would need to stand on to dance, and there wasn’t anyone around the game. It was the perfect opportunity.
“Are you sure?” He asked, scratching at the back of his neck. “You know I’m not that good of a dancer.”
Rowan clambered onto the platform before the screens, pouting as Gavin continued to hesitate. “Please, babey? For me? I wanna play this one.”
His eyes closed, and he ran a hand through his hair as he sighed. His shoulders slumped in defeat before he climbed up next to her, taking the plushies from her arms and setting them on top of the machine. “Alright. Why don’t you pick the song.”
Rowan squealed, mirth in her heart and her veins as she swiped her card before scrolling through the different options. There were a lot of songs that she recognized, which made it difficult to settle on just one.
“I think we’ll have to do this one a few times,” she muttered, scanning the songs she was slowly choosing between. “I want to try all of them.”
Gavin coughed again, covering his mouth as if to hide his wince. “All of them?”
“Yes,” she insisted, crossing her arms as she stepped back, finally settling on a song. “All of them!”
“What about the other games?”
She tipped her head to the side, hoping her smile was as innocent as she was trying to make it. “Well physical activity will help make you feel better after all those losses, won’t it?”
Gavin blinked, taken aback. For a few moments he seemed to have entirely short-circuited, unable to come up with a single response. But then the light slowly returned to his eyes, and his lips slid up into a sly smile. “I’ll remember that for later.”
His smile quickly fell away once the music started up. He was hyper focused, taking the game very seriously.
And at first it worked out well. While Rowan stumbled over stepping on the right squares as they lit up, too focused on giggling at Gavin’s serious expression, he managed to hit every one of them with ease.
But then the song hit the chorus and the game picked up speed, the movements becoming more complex, and suddenly Gavin was not doing so well.
Rowan couldn’t stop laughing, even as she gasped for breath as the pace continued to pick up. Her cheeks were hurting by the time they’d cycled through all of the songs she wanted to try, sweat slipping down her back. Her legs felt like jelly, but her head felt lighter than air. Like she was made of clouds and spun sugar. Of gossamer and wind.
“That was so much fun,” she gushed, taking hold of Gavin’s arm.
He felt steadier than her, although he was wobbling a little as he scooped up the plushies from the claw machine. “I’m glad you had fun.”
“Did you?�� She asked, taking the plushies from his arms. Ice water seemed to drip through her, like icicles melting in spring, puddling where there had once been warmth. Maybe she had pushed too much, and now he was unhappy after being forced to play a game he didn’t like.
But Gavin only squeezed her closer to his side, nuzzling his nose against her cheek. “Of course I did. I couldn’t take my eyes off you.”
She frowned, confused even as the chill in her veins melted away beneath the sun of his words. “What do you mean?”
“You were laughing. How could I not have fun?”
“Gavin,” she groaned, even as her face burned. “You’re such a dork.”
“And you’re so cute when you’re flustered,” he teased, dropping a kiss to her cheek before dragging her away before she could protest.
They wandered around the arcade aimlessly after that, pausing every few moments to try out another game. There was Pac-Man, Street Fighter, Donkey Kong, Space Invaders. They even tried pinball for a while, but gave up when it was clear neither of them were particularly good at it.
They were just passing by the prize counter when Rowan froze, eyes falling on the fluffy teal otter sitting on one of the shelves.
“Gavin,” she gasped, yanking on his sleeve. She pointed to the otter, its expression seeming to say ‘come win me! You need me!’ “Look!”
He blinked, narrowing his eyes as he scanned the shelf the otter sat on. “We need six thousand points to redeem it.”
“How many do we have?” Rowan asked, wrinkling her brow as she lifted her card.
Gavin headed towards one of the self-serve stations, checking the balance of points on his card. He frowned, brow creasing. “Only two thousand.”
Rowan hummed, checking the balance on hers. “Two thousand too. Could we maybe combine them?”
Gavin hummed, eyes scanning the arcade. “Wait here, I’m going to go find an employee.”
Rowan waited as he vanished from view. Without Gavin beside her she could feel the fatigue of the day creeping in. After dinner she’d had a burst of energy, a second wind to keep her going through the evening, but it was waning now. She wanted to lean against Gavin’s chest, or drink a sugary drink. Or maybe both.
Gavin reappeared as she was slumping against the wall, her eyes so heavy she could hardly keep them open.
“Where’d you go?” She asked, her voice sounding a little slurred as she reached her arms towards him.
He let her draw him close, one hand sliding up her back and massaging her neck. “I was asking how long the arcade is open until.”
She frowned, exhaustion surely muddling her thoughts so she couldn’t understand what he was saying. That and the three mai tais she’d had. “Why?”
“I’m going to get enough points to win that otter for you,” he said, beaming. “It shouldn’t take too long.”
“Gavin we’ve been here for like an hour and all we have is four thousand points between us.”
He chuckled, ruffling her hair before releasing her. “But we spent twenty of that at the claw machine, and that doesn’t offer points.”
“What games do you wanna play then?” She asked, reaching for him again. She was feeling so tired, and she just wanted to be close. Wanted to be close to him where it was warm and safe.
“I want to start with that basketball game,” he said, pointing to a game a few aisles over where a line of basketball hoops were arranged.
Rowan clapped her hands, a surge of energy flowing through her like lightning in a storm. “You’re so good at basketball, babey.”
He scratched at the back of his neck with his free hand, the tips of his ears stained red. “I’m alright.”
But still Rowan beamed, knowing that Gavin was actually amazing at it. Sometimes, when the weather was nice and he met up with a few friends and colleagues, she would tag along, watching as he played from the bleachers. He always looked so focused and serious, and yet there was always a soft light in his eyes, a happiness kept hidden under the serious set of his jaw.
Gavin swiped his card in front of one of the basketball games, a handful of miniature basketballs streaming out in front of them. Rowan watched, utterly enchanted, as he made basket after basket, swiping his card again and again as more basketballs rolled in front of him.
He won so many times in a row a small crowd gathered behind them, ooo-ing and aaaw-ing as he won again and again, the speakers built into the game playing celebratory music as he continued.
“You’re going to become a celebrity at this rate,” Rowan murmured, peeking over her shoulder at the crowd of teens and children and parents watching Gavin with mixed expressions of curiosity and awe.
Gavin paused, turning to look behind them as well, frowning. “Hm. Maybe we should try a different game.”
“We could do one of the racing ones!” She suggested, pointing to an empty game in a corner. “But I want my car to be pink.”
Chuckling, Gavin took her hand, brusquely excusing himself to the gathering as he shouldered his way through the gaggle of people still watching him as though he were an arcade god.
“You know I bet you really could become a celebrity,” she teased, squeezing his hand as she noticed a teen girl recording them with her phone. “There’s probably going to be videos of you all over the internet tomorrow.”
“I don’t care what they think,” he said, even as the blush at the tips of his ears reached down to his cheeks, staining his whole face the red of a sunset. He turned to meet her gaze, pausing next to the game she had suggested. “I only care what you think.”
Rowan grinned, cupping his face in her hands and brushing her lips to his. “Well I think we should try out this game.”
He chuckled, his smile soft as they broke apart. “As you wish, my love.”
***
Although Rowan knew Gavin could easily beat her in any of the games they tried, he always let her win a round or two. When they raced he let her win the first few races, her candy-coated car and bubblegum pink character leaving him in the dust.
It had almost been enough to trick her into forgetting that he always beat her in Mario Kart. Whether it was Moo Moo Meadows or Rainbow Road, Gavin never failed to win. But she would bask in her victories nonetheless, even if he had handed them to her.
They cycled through nearly every game in the arcade, taking a break every now and then to replay some of Rowan’s favourites. Dance Dance Revolution of course was a must, and she couldn’t stop giggling as Gavin danced next to her.
There was a VR game they wanted to try too, a rhythm game that they could play together. But the line to try the game had been way longer than they’d been willing to wait, and instead they had tried the other games in the arcade, attempting nearly all of them at least once. But as the minutes slowly ticked into hours and the hazy evening light melted into the indigo of night, the crowds slowly dispersed until it was only the two of them and a few other couples milling around.
“Do you want to try the VR one?” Rowan asked, tugging on Gavin’s arm as he checked his points again.
He looked up, blinking at the now nonexistent line for the game that had piqued their interest earlier. “What time is it?”
Rowan checked her phone, wincing at the bright flare of her screen. “It’s just after midnight.”
“We can do that one, and then maybe we’ll call it a day?”
“Do we have enough points for the otter?” She looped her arm through his as they made their way to the game, a bright melody filtering from speakers she couldn’t see surrounding the machine and the VR headsets.
“Just about.” He grinned, looking more than a little smug.
Rowan gaped, amazed. She hadn’t done nearly as well as Gavin had, and was still a thousand points short. “You’re really amazing, babey.”
He chuckled, leaning his head close. “It’s only because you’re here.”
Rowan couldn’t help giggling, fatigue and the alcohol from her mai tai blending together, making her feel lightheaded and ditzy. “What? Like a rabbit’s foot?”
“Much more precious than that.” His lips brushed against her ear, making her shiver. “Everything is perfect when you’re beside me.”
Rowan wanted to point out that things hadn’t exactly been perfect when he’d been trying his hand with the claw machine, but swallowed the words instead. Gavin’s voice was warm and sweet as honey, and it was making her feel like she was melting beneath a summer’s sun. She didn’t want him to stop, felt like she would fall into the comforting warmth of his embrace if he continued.
But Gavin pulled away, a rush of cool air spilling over her in his wake. She pouted, although it was short lived as he brushed his mouth to the corner of her lips.
“I love your smile more,” he breathed. “And if you pout more I’ll have to do something about it.”
“Like what?” She felt like pushing her luck a little, wondering how far she could get before he retaliated. Wondered how much he would retaliate in public before dragging her home to finish the job.
“Do you really want to find out?” He asked. His breath ghosted against her throat, gooseflesh rising in its wake. “Keep pouting and you will.”
She shivered again. Part of her wanted to keep her bottom lip out, wanted to see exactly what he meant. But she was quickly distracted by the flashing lights and dancing figures wielding silver swords on the screen before her, prompting them to put on the VR helmets.
Setting the helmet on her head, Rowan was met with a wave of dizziness as she seemed to be plunged into a world of bright colours and sounds that assaulted her tired mind.
There was bright, cheerful digital music playing as fuschia and azure stars flashed around her, the corona of their light slowly growing into a grid that surrounded her. She knew Gavin was beside her, although she could no longer see his features, only the shape of him wrought in violet and aquamarine.
She lifted one hand to see that she too, was little more than a brightly coloured figure in the game, her hand painted in bubblegum pink and gold.
“This is kind of freaky,” she said, raising her arm to get a better look at her in-game avatar, watching as the colours roiled over the length of her arm like ocean waves. “I feel like I’m on acid or something.”
Gavin chuckled, and she imagined the wry smile playing on his lips. “It reminds me a little of a training simulator at the STF.”
“Okay but. Did the STF training simulator also have a rhythm game in it?” She reached her hand out in thin air, even as her avatar in the game scrolled through different song options to play to.
Another chuckle. “No, it didn’t.”
“Well then they should add one, because rhythm games make everything better.”
A beat as he sucked in a breath. “Rowan, are you still mad I didn’t let you buy that Vocaloid rhythm game?”
“Of course I’m still mad!” She whirled to the side, imagining the amused glint that would be in his eyes. “It was on sale! It looked like so much fun!”
“But you haven’t even finished the last game you bought.”
“But that one is different,” she whined. “That’s an RPG. Rhythm games are different.”
He lifted his hands, conceding. “Alright. Next time we go out I’ll buy it for you.”
“And there’s a new romance sim I want that comes out next week too.”
Gavin heaved a long-suffering sigh, shaking his head.
“You said anything for me!” She waved her arms, her earlier brain haze giving way to the desire to be ridiculously dramatic. “For me! The love of your life! Your everything! Your sweet pumpkin pie!”
Gavin’s hands reached for hers, clasping them between his palms. She could feel the tremors of his laughter through his hands, his whole body shaking like an earthquake had rent the deep, boisterous laughter from deep in his soul.
“You are my everything,” he promised, his words lilting as his laughter slowly began to subside. “And you are my sweet pumpkin pie.”
Her legs wobbled a little, as though they were made of jelly, when he said it. Something about the utter dorkiness of the affectionate nickname he’d bestowed on her that always made her feel a little weak, a little like she were no more substantial than seafoam and summer clouds.
“I’ll buy you whatever you want.” He brushed a kiss to her knuckles, the sensation strange since she could not see his face, only the blue and purple avatar the game had conjured for him. “But first, let’s try this game.”
Rowan beamed, her focus diverted as it was once again turned to the VR game. “Alright. But I’m picking the music.”
“As you wish,” was his response, and she could see the arc of his smile in her mind.
“And I’m not going easy on you!”
Gavin’s laughter threaded with the opening strains of the music as the game began, their VR avatars wielding massive silver swords that flashed as they sliced into the projectiles the game tossed at them.
Rowan was pleased to find that she was actually quite good at the game, quickly syncing her movements to the beat of the song. Beside her, Gavin was seeming to do quite well too, although Rowan felt a surge of smug satisfaction as she realized her score was higher than his.
“I think the STF should get one of these!” She sang, starbursts exploding across her screen as she swiped at the in-game projectiles. “I think it could be good training!”
“Good training for what?” Gavin sounded incredulous, even as he successfully sliced through a string of projectiles as the tempo picked up.
“Well what if you have to go undercover during a fancy ball? And you need to dance with someone?” She gasped, clapping her hands as the round ended and she was declared the winner. “Or what if you have to fight in the middle of a ball or a party and you can only attack on beat to whatever song is playing?”
She imagined the amusement in his expression, the incredulity at the edges. “That’s never happened before.”
“But what if it does.”
He laughed, warm and bright, surely reaching towards the stars. His laughter turning to bright lights among the velvet darkness of the night. “I’ll make sure to add it to the agenda.”
“Oh good,” she said, feigning relief. “I was so worried.”
“The last thing I want to do is worry you.”
“While you’re at it, we should take dance classes again,” she continued, starting up a new round. “I think that would be fun.”
Gavin paused for a beat before responding, and for a moment Rowan thought maybe he hadn’t heard her, the music blasting in his ears drowning out his senses. But then he did respond, his voice soft. Like the moments between sleep and awakening. “I would love that.”
Rowan wanted to question if he was feeling alright, but the tempo picked up in the game and she had to turn and focus, intent on beating Gavin yet again.
They ended up playing for quite a few rounds, the arcade near deserted now but for them and a few couples crowded around the retro-inspired games. Rowan felt like she might have been on her third or fourth wind, more energy flowing through her in a moment than an entire week.
Not that the sudden burst of energy lasted particularly long, with her legs suddenly turning to jelly and her bones to lead.
She whined as Gavin helped her to remove the VR helmet, nearly toppling against his chest once they were both free.
“Why don’t we collect our prizes and head home?” He suggested, arm wrapped around her waist as he led the way to the prize counter.
The employee standing at the counter looked beyond bored, not even bothering to try and hide their phone as they idly flicked their thumb across the screen.
“Cards please,” they said, their tone dull as they held their hand out.
Gavin had never looked more smug as he handed his card over, waiting for the employee to let him know what prizes he could choose from.
Rowan’s eyes bulged as she listened to the employee list the points Gavin had wracked up, pointing to all of the items he could redeem.
He didn’t hesitate as he selected the teal otter. He cradled it in his arms for a moment, his expression softening as he turned to Rowan.
“For you.”
She clutched it to her chest, beaming so wide her cheeks hurt. “Thank you, babey.”
His smile turned mischievous. “Don’t thank me yet, I still have points leftover.”
She was astonished that he had any points left after the otter. She hadn’t thought the VR game had given them that many points, had it?
Gavin quickly redeemed the rest of his points for a finger trap, a handful of candy, and a blind box from a series she loved.
Rowan clutched her otter as she redeemed her own points, choosing another two blind boxes and a goofy plastic crown.
“For you, my king,” she announced, settling it on Gavin’s head. “For defeating all the enemies in the arcade.”
The employee rolled their eyes as the two of them walked away, but Rowan didn’t care. She was tired, still a little drunk, and so overwhelmingly happy she thought she might explode into stardust. It had been so long since she’d tasted such joy, and she wasn’t going to let a grouchy teenager ruin it because they were being silly.
She loved Gavin, loved being silly around him.
“Why did you get that?” She asked, pointing to the finger trap as he tucked it into his pocket.
He shrugged. “I’m going to use it to keep you close.”
“Keep me close?”
He lifted her hand, sliding it easily onto her index finger. “Exactly. Just like this.” Then he slid his finger into the other end, joining the two of them together.
Rowan laughed, delighted by the silliness of it. “You could always just hold my hand.”
“But what if you let go?”
“I mean…” She trailed off, cheeks burning even as they stepped out into the crisp night. “You could always use your handcuffs.”
Gavin smirked, looking far too pleased for her liking. “I was planning on saving those for something else. But I can cuff you if you want.”
She looked away as quickly as she could, blinking as the world spun. Maybe she’d drank too much. “It was only a suggestion.”
He dropped his head close to hers, lips ghosting against the curve of her jaw. “It’s one I plan to take you up on.”
Sighing, Rowan flopped against Gavin’s side, too tired to joke around. “You can do whatever you want to me,” she said, sighing again. “But tomorrow, once I’ve gotten some sleep.”
“Are you tired?” His voice softened.
“I feel like I could sleep for a week.”
“Alright, pumpkin,” he murmured, drawing her to his chest as they walked. “Let’s go home.”
***
Her memories of the rest of the night were hazy. Gavin coaxing her into the shower, helping her to wash the sweat from her body before wrapping her up in a soft towel and helping her into her favourite pajamas. Gavin tucking her beneath their blankets before cuddling up beside her, tucking her head beneath his chest.
Even her dreams were hazy, little more than splashes of colour melting together. The echo of a soft hum that warmed her heart dancing in the wind. Ocean waves lapping against the shore, reaching for her from where she stood.
Rowan awoke, her mind still hazy, to Gavin’s teeth nibbling her ear.
“Good morning,” he breathed, hands wrapping around her waist, his voice heady and warm.
“G’morning,” she mumbled, barely able to keep her eyes open.
“Sleep well?”
“Mmmm…”
She felt herself slipping into unconsciousness again, the draw of the blurry ocean and melting colours in her mind like a siren’s song.
“Don’t fall asleep,” he teased, running his hands along her sides. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’m sleeby,” she whined.
But she was starting to awaken more, becoming more and more aware of his hands on her sides. His hands at the waistband of her sleep shorts, toying with it idly.
“Rowan,” he breathed, drawing her focus.
“Hmm?” She peered up, catching his eyes as the shone gold. Her stomach twisted, heat pooling in her core. He looked so handsome; beautiful with his disheveled hair and his bright eyes.
“Do you remember what you promised last night?” He teased, slipping his hands up beneath her shirt.
She worried the inside of her cheek, heart lurching as the memory surfaced. “Yes.”
“That I can do whatever I want?”
She nodded, feeling breathless. “Yes.”
His hands trailed higher, stroking her sides. “I know what I want to do.”
“Then do it.”
She threaded her fingers in his hair as he gently pushed her onto her back, hands making quick work of her pajamas until she was bare beneath him.
“I love you,” you groaned, pressing fiery kisses to her throat. “I love you so much.”
She held him tighter, too distracted by his lips and his teeth and his hands to think of much else.
But as Gavin’s lips found hers, his hands tenderly spreading her thighs apart, a moment of clarity found her. A moment where she realized her heart no longer felt entirely empty.
She could still feel the cracks, feel where the shining joy still dripped through. And she could still feel the leaden fatigue in her body, craving nothing but the peace of oblivion.
But it wasn’t as heavy, and the cracks in her heart weren’t as big. Like all of Gavin’s efforts had helped her to heal, a salve to the wounds in her heart. A tonic to hasten her recovery.
She broke from his lips, her head falling back as she cupped his face. “Thank you.”
Gavin blinked, bemused. He chuckled awkwardly, raking a hand through his already mussed hair. “What are you thanking me for?”
“For helping me,” she said, voice soft as she stroked his cheeks. “For staying with me. For helping when I didn’t know what would work. For loving me.”
His expression softened, no longer shadowed by his desire as he leaned down to brush a chaste kiss to her lips. “I will always love you, Rowan. And I’ll always do everything I can to help you. To make you happy.”
“Being with you makes me happy.” Her voice was little more than a whisper, but it didn’t need to be. Her words weren’t for the wind to sweep away, they were for Gavin alone.
He chuckled, nuzzling against her cheek, his laughter ringing through her like song. “You might regret that by this evening.”
She frowned. “Why?”
He peeled away, sitting back on his legs as he stretched his arms skyward. “Because we’re still going to the gym tonight.”
“Oh Gavin no,” she whined, squirming from beneath him. “Can’t we do something else?”
“Nope,” he beamed, far too pleased with himself. “If yesterday helped, then going to the gym regularly will definitely help.”
She pouted, crossing her arms over her chest. “But I don’t want to!”
He tsked, taking her hands and prying them from her chest, lifting them above her head and pressing them to the pillows. “You said I could do anything I wanted.”
“Well- I didn’t mean- I meant more like-” She stumbled over her words, wriggling helplessly. “I meant like…”
He arched a brow. “Like what?”
He held her arms in one hand, reaching for something on the side-table that she couldn’t see. He made sure to keep whatever it was from her line of sight, although the telltale clink of metal as the cool cuffs were clasped around her wrists gave it away.
“Like this, maybe?” He teased, releasing her wrists.
She huffed, rolling her eyes. “Maybe.”
“Well you said I could do anything,” he continued, lowering his head to drag his teeth over where her pulse fluttered in her throat. “So I’m going to do this. And then we’re going to the gym tonight.”
“Fine,” Rowan conceded, feigning annoyance even as her toes curled from his ministrations.
“But if you’re very good I’ll go easy on you tonight.” His breath was hot as he trailed kisses below her collarbone. “And I’ll even give a treat.”
“Will it be something like this?” Her voice hitched as he dropped his mouth lower, writhing beneath his touch.
She could feel his smile against her skin. “Something very much like this.”
“Alright,” she said, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. “Do your worst, officer.”
His head rose, his smile verging on wicked. “I will.”
And Rowan laughed, his eyes and his smile and his teasing voice a melody in her heart. And she could feel the wounds that remained heal a little more, her heart a little more whole with every moment she shared with him.
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