mooninkling

[mooninkling]

In another universe we are still friends.

[mooninkling]

Shoutout to everyone dreading the summer

Shoutout to everyone who feels lonely in the summer whilst they watch everyone else have plans with friends

Shoutout to everyone who finds the heat overstimulating

Shoutout to everyone who wishes they could afford to go on a summer holiday but can’t

Shoutout to everyone who feels self conscious in summer clothes

Shoutout to neurodivergent people who struggle to regulate their body temperature in the heat

Shoutout to everyone who is dreading trying on their summer clothes because their body has changed

[mooninkling]

“Ya Allah give her happiness and if sadness still lingers in her eyes. Give her whatever happiness is left of mine.”

—

[mooninkling]

the worlds been heavy lately but im carrying it anyway. i hope youre doing okay wherever and whoever you are. mostly, i just wanted to say im sorry about all the rain. i hope every sky opens up. i love you. i hope your heart can make sense of at least some of this. we’re gonna be okay again someday. all of us i think. we’re gonna be okay.  

[mooninkling]

did you let me die in your arms in the timeloop

[mooninkling]

I want to fly. Reach and touch the sun so I could explode with a shake. So that I could be finally free. I want to fly and touch the sky and know that I've done it all. My mind had been so full of dreams and hopes, now replaced with so much struggle to even keep breathing. Sometimes I think I'm wearing a cape that makes me invisible and no matter how much I scratch my skin, make it bleed, it doesn't seem to get off me. Do I ask for too much? Do I? It just feels easier to set everything aside and stop the game. Put an end to all this misery. But I'm reminded again that nothing is mine. Not even my life. Even that belongs to someone else to do what they want with me.

-I want to fly

#sadness #barely holding on #thoughts #misery #trying and failing #but i'm giving up #absolutely exhausted #i'm so tired #every day wears me off #and i want to cry #scream #i wanna disappear #forever #be trapped in a place in the middle #where is just me and the quiet #close to a fucking breakdown #mentally fucked

[mooninkling]

All I do needs to be done quietly. I have no idea at which point this rule seeped into my bones and never left. Happiness must be felt only by you, in the privacy of your own thoughts as not to be braggy. Not to seem arrogant, showing off what others don't have. Pain must be sensed by no one. Even if you want to scream, your voice is not there. Even if you feel that this time you won't go through it, that it's too much, that it's finally won, your mouth is sealed shut. Your tears must not be seen by anyone. They are only to be saved for the darkest moments of night, restricted to quiet sobs, unheard. Breakdowns come and go, as if they never were there for those looking at you, but not seeing you. There is never any help needed. You can endure it. Silently cry it out, the pain will leave. You have only yourself. Always. No one has to knows. It's you against the world. They would see your weakness and scratch your scarred flesh, dig their claws into your lungs until you can't breath all the while they laugh. Take you apart. Piece by piece, not silently at all.

-Make yourself little

#thoughts #writing is my therapy #my writing #tiny voice #silent #always #what is wrong with me #what we do in the shadows #too deep into the darkness #i'm not even sure i want to get out #too many expectations #life #writeblr #absolutely exhausted #crying real tears

[mooninkling]

I feel hunted by the future version of me. It's always there, hiding in the darkness, unwilling to reveal herself to me. Sometimes, I even doubt its existence, only to hear that voiceless voice again, following me every step of the way. Torturing the so tiny part of me that still refuses to give up sanity. Whispering sweetly wrapped threats as if in a lullaby.

Grab that toothbrush like the good girl you are. You don't want rotten teeth. A good girl does all her work. She doesn't want to be anything but perfect academically. A good girl knows to not eat too much. She knows mom said she doesn't want to not be able to get through the door. A good girl knows to keep her mouth shut. People must be always pleased. A good girl knows not to curse. She must be a dream. A good girl knows to be polite to everyone. She doesn't want to be excluded. A good girl must be always the bigger person. She must always forgive. A good girl does not cut herself. Her body does not belong to her. People don't like to see a broken body. They like perfection. A good girl does not beat herself up. She knows she could harm the future her. Might prevent her from having the steady hands of a surgeon. A good girl listens to her parents. She must make them proud. A good girl knows. All. She must know it all. But know nothing. A pretty doll to be presented to society. A good girl knows the consequences of even breathing wrong. What if she will lose the beauty she never had? What if she doesn't have that beauty? What has she done to plague that innocence? What if she is not liked by others? Who will want her? Who will give her approval? Who will love her? Who will remember her?

-What makes a good girl?

#thoughts #my writing #i keep lying to myself #society #girls #too many expectations #what more must a girl do to be approoved? #to be let to live how she wants to live? #restrictions #the life of a girl #there's just too much #who am I #if not what you want me to be? #my body is not my own #nothing belongs to me #all is yours #to admire #to criticise #to applaud #to judge #when will it be over #when will i be able to be me? #who am i? #if not everyone's toy? #but why #i just can't find the power to keep moving #i hate #i am angry #i am scarred #i am all the things you don't want me to be

[mooninkling]

Gifted kid they told me I was sometime, And lie it would be to say I didn't believe. One day, when, I don't know to tell, Life decided I had it too well. I found myself between the walls Of trusting myself or my teen phase calls. Horrendous nights full of tissues hidden under the bed, Days on the phone with a smiling dad. Things started fading, Never once I was or wanted to be depressing But everything felt without meaning As my life when I was 9 or 10 and I found about dying.

-Fragment from Gotta sort you out

#thoughts #my poetry #writing poetry #absolutely exhausted #i keep remembering those days #how the world started to suffocate me little by little #and i was so surprised #expecting the beautiful life I saw on TV since I was a kid #expecting the beautiful life of a teenager that never came #i was just a kid #just a kid when the world hit me #shook reality #destroyed #everything #plagued my mind with darkness #teenage #kid #life #reality hurts

[mooninkling]

How can you tell when you're tired? Is it in the involuntary drop of your eyelids? In the heaviness of your limbs as you make your way through the world?

When being tired stops being about lack of sleep but something deeper? A darkness that no amount of sleep can erase? A need to just halt your existence for 5 minutes, set the noise of the world aside?

How do you cure such thing? What do you do if you succumb so far down that you've got no energy to go back up? That you feel just safer down there?

-Heavy Eyelids

#thoughts #absolutely exhausted #mentally exhausted #this time i can't sleep it off anymore #i didn't believe others #i thought it was something else #for me #i didn't believe life could loose so much of its colour #i miss how i used to be #i am tired #sick of the words as we know it #sick of living at the moment #i need a break #5 minutes #only #please #stop the world #stop everything #writing thoughts

[mooninkling]

You can shine without me. That's what you told me last time we talked. It's been so long since then. You were right as you always are. I did. I can. But the fun, the joy is gone. It stuck with you, left me in shambles, searching for the littlest of happiness for my achievements. Searching for your words, your hugs, your congratulations, your smiles. Do you look for that too when you shine bright as the sun? When you explode and blind everyone and all I can do is stare in awe by how great you've grown. All from afar and now with a trace of bitterness. Of something that sometimes gets too close to hate. Not jealousy. I'm proud of you. But I hate you. Because you took everything. Not just your presence, but also the lid that kept all the darkness in me sealed, hid somewhere deep. You took it and now it's free, plaguing the shards you left behind, possessed by nobody. Does it fell as dull to you? Do you over think your own words, spat in a phase I am not familiar with, like I do? Do they pierce your lungs? Seizing hold of the air? Starving you of breaths?

-I am sick of shinning

#writing #writing is my therapy #i keep lying to myself #thoughts #longing #you can shine without me #you were so cruel #i just can't find the power to keep moving #grief #i miss you but you look the other way #i see you #i see you succeed #i want to he there #don't you? #is what we shared nothing? #did you forget so easily? #i know now #it might be better this way #but it hurts #seeing you every day #from afar #wishing to know why #why #tell me why

[mooninkling]

I need to escape whatever this is called. It's been such a long time since I took the last gulp of oxygen. Holding my breath for what feels like eons as if that colourful world I remember is just my imagination. An illusion. As if I've never truly laughed, never felt the hot sand between my toes, never held my baby brother in my small arms, never heard mom call my name, never had dad carry me on his shoulders on a snowy night, making me feel the tallest of all. My vision's blurring, my face has gained a crimson blossom, violet lips striped shut to save every ounce of air left even though there's not enough. Every moment is more agonising than the other. The voice is always there, whispering in a mesmerising lullaby. Just breathe. And it'll finally be over. I repeat the words in the haze of my brain. Deluding myself in the momentary relief they bring. Craving more and more. Trying to reach its hands, to get more, only to be pushed away. All it takes is one breath, darling. To have this. Forever. Fear burns my bones, no matter how appalling it sounds. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of falling too deep. Of opening my mouth, ready in my peace to find nothing. Of losing the impossible possibility of going back to smiles, gentle winds and summer nights by the fire. Losing the world I claim I once knew.

-Just One Breath, Darling

#thoughts #i keep lying to myself #longing #missing #childhood #voices #writing is my therapy #feels #memories #a world far away #i feel on the point of exploding #my mouth will open and I will feel peace #but still #grief #growing up #but still i would lose it all #how many moments has time burnt away from me? #laughing at me #match in hand #ready to slaughter all i held and hold dear #moments really #times so far back in time #so fuzzy #yet so warm #so warm #pain

[mooninkling]

Am I the only one?

Seeing herself in a vase seated on a shelf like a throne

Waiting to be remembered,

Waiting to not be forgotten.

-Fragment from Gotta sort you out

#my poetry #thoughts #poetry #my writing #my imagination goes to far sometimes #there is this fear that i will be just another human #that died #and did nothing with her life #fear #imagination

[mooninkling]

I'm trying unsuccessfully to grasp the wholeness of this world. It feels unreal that the Earth is round even though it's true. I stare onto the ground with intent, like a fire when it swallows a tree, hungrily, hoping to see that curvature and scream that I did it. I found the proof. When I walk, I usually keep my head down, as if afraid of what others would see, but, actually, being afraid of meeting their eyes and finding disgust, disdain. Yet, when I do, I'm facing these, oh, so tall buildings surrounding me, in which people live. These, oh, so many people. People that have each an individual and separate life. They are not there as extras. They eat, sleep, laugh, and cry. The knowledge of that slaps me again. Makes me stumble on my feet. All for a second before going back, involuntarily, to seeing faces but not real persons. I cross the same bridge every day and, despite the terror I have of heights, I look down. My feet go weak, my hands shake. The water's far, far away. It goes on and on, without a realisation of its grandness. The world moves on and on, regardless of its such terrifying impossibility. One floating rock, in an infinite universe. The sky, a beautiful view for a quiet summer night and a door to vastness. Not just us, me, and my idiotic problems, my so-called tragedies. Infinity. The term rolls on my tongue, gets out of my mouth and fades in the air too quickly. Reality glitches around me. The truth of it feels close, reachable all at once. Secrets of our home that we're unaware of. They are there, growing in size. I'm still little. And, in an instant it's gone. All of it. I look down again, I take my eyes from the water, someone interrupts my stare contest with the asphalt. Everything moves on. I'm complaining about lack of sleep. About how it makes me forget things. The cycle repeats itself. I'm stuck.

-A Human Ant

#universe #thoughts #forget #forgetting #i know there's more #i know next time i can touch it and know #it all #and it wouldn't matter that i'm sad #that i'm tired #the answer would be mine #wouldn't it? #the limitations of humans #realization #reality #writing thoughts #earth #my writing #struggling to find an answer #i keep lying to myself #i doubt every step #doubts #late night thoughts

[mooninkling]

I am a piece of cake

Until I eat myself and explode with a shake

And I become a cooker, baking

Other kids to become the flavour of devils that to the moon are laughing.

-Fragment from Gotta sort you out

#writing poetry #thoughts spilled on paper #thoughts #poetry #my poetry #writing is my therapy #writing will be my death #they are going to eat me whole #chew every part of me #but still #i would at one point come back #and laugh at the moon #as if there's something left to laugh at

[mooninkling]

I look once again in the mirror. Finding myself greeted by the same, now familiar, stranger. Her eyes have lost their sparkle, only so little left to remind that there had sometime been anything more than hopelessness, than bitter tears building up until it's too much. The dark circles under them still have the spotlight, despite the dirty glasses she forgets to take care of. A constant reminder of sleepless nights she can't avoid. The nose, her cheeks, she's always been complimented for. Yet they lay, haunted by a gruesome darkness, shallowness, exhaustion that carves into the skin bit by bit. And the lips, innocent witnesses to a slaughter so great, bathed in deep crimson. Oh, the lips, battlegrounds, carrying the battles tirelessly, aching for an end to a war ruled by one leader. This rounded face, worn out by such short time of life, unwashed hair falling on each side, short but never short enough, cared for and forgotten in its misery. This girl looking at me, from my eyes, in her vow of silence. Questions rest on the tip of my tongue. I tell myself. Just spit it out, maybe this time you'll be successful. Maybe this time she'll tell me who she is. Where she hid my body. What has she done with my happiness, with my dreams, with my innocence. Myself. I would say she feels sorry. I would say her tears and screams are of guilt. But none of those are hers, I realise. I scream, I sob until her chest can hold it no longer. But she never opposes, never asks of me to stop and I feel her shame as if it was mine. As if it could compensate for everything.

-A stranger in the mirror

#my writing #thoughts #grief #anger #who is she looking at me? #what does she want? #where am I? where is my self? #i miss how i used to be #when you can't recognise who you are #it hurts like a fire burning slowly #like time waiting in the corner of your mind #match in hand #ready to burn your memories one by one #longing #growing up #regret #guilt #a stranger #hating the person I see

[mooninkling]

I don't think I'll ever get over you. You're there every day, few steps to the right, an eternity away, acting as if we'd never known each other. As if I'm not even there. It fucking hurts because I still find myself asking about you. The world stops when you speak. I scowl myself when you mention forgetting something. I should have reminded you about it, but it's not my place to do so anymore, isn't it? My fingers ache to tell you about the new movie, the new book I found. Yell about letting yourself get mocked. Jump at their throats for daring hurt you. Many words hang between us, unsaid. Whys that would scar less than your absence, your ignorance. I would rather have you scream at me, explain the ways I've been wrong. Tell me I'm a monster, irreparable so I can stop living off of memories and what ifs. Imagining that one day I might wake up from this nightmare.

-Say something

#silence hurts more than any words #how have you forgotten it all #i can't help but search the room for you #i can't help but wish you were to come back even if you hurt me #even if you cut through me mercilessly #even if you didn't hesitate to toss me away #missing you #thoughts #longing #sadnees #there is absolutely nothing lonelier