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bluecardigan-13 · 4 months

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I’m probably writing to no one. But I’d like to pretend I’m writing to you.

Life is really hard right now. I’m super homesick after only 4 months of living in Oklahoma after moving here from HI. You’d think I would be alright since I moved here with my kids and husband by choice.

Mainly to first get my life back in order due to a chaotic life and living with 2 narcissistic parents. And the sudden loss of my dad in 2021. But I’m not ok. And I don’t know what to do with all that.

We also moved cause the cost of living in Hawaii is crazy expensive compared to OK. And so living on permanent disability makes things difficult especially after having a successful career in insurance for over 15 yrs. And also being a successful business woman with zero college degrees, brings my self esteem to nothing.

My anxiety and self confidence has always been all over the place. I have always been this control freak over everything in my life. Like I should be this or that, and have these things accomplished by a certain age etc.

But that all got taken away from me when I got sick in 2017. I got fired from my job that while it was stressful, I was good at it. I was an insurance underwriter for Lloyds of London insuring all kinds of “weird” things. But again - I was good at it!

I brought in $50M in revenue alone. And helped that department meet their gross premium goal for the first time since they started the department.

And before that I worked for Fireman’s Fund as a senior business analyst. And knew everything about everything for every single state of the union where insurance came! I worked in a call center where people would call in (who worked for the company) and would ask for me specifically cause they knew I knew what I was talking about.

Heck my boss would even turn to me to ask about business processes! I trained in our new hires. But the company wasn’t doing well and the parent company decided that it couldn’t take anymore losses due to bad decisions made by underwriting.

And so the parent company based out of Germany absorbed it. And even though I was the best they had, I got fired. Which sucked! I was angry. But I sucked it up and made sure the people who were going to be left behind would be well trained. The sad part is I was up for a management job. Well that job went to the most incompetent person on the team. LOL

Isn’t that life? But now I’m here sick with several mental illnesses and incurable medical illnesses. And making the best of it.

I make YouTube videos and hope I can help people like me. Hoping that when they see me they will see themselves and say hey there’s someone like me, and she’s doing ok. And maybe I can too.

Mental health and chronic illness/pain aren’t talked about enough. It needs to be don’t you think? It needs more of a platform, and that we need to also show people it’s ok to say I’m not ok.

Also I use art therapy to cope. I crochet and I also pour epoxy resin on my channel. I know it’s not that big of a deal but hey you have to start somewhere right?

I’m just wondering who’s listening tho? Really listening.

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bluecardigan-13 · 4 months

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50 likes!

#50 likes #tumblr milestone #taylor swift helps my mental health #taylor can you help #mental illness advocate #cats #who notices me #mental health #chronic illness #chronic pain #who reads this #chronic fatigue

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bluecardigan-13 · 4 months

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Anyone know if @taylorswift has an actual #fan mail address? I so wanna send her some of my art. I would love to make her smile. One of those big bright shining light up the sky smiles!

Not that she would actually get the item I know. But it’d be nice. You know? I’m also watching her Eras concert 1 more time before it expires on Amazon Prime since I rented it.

And I did offer to purchase a gift card for someone to buy it if they wanted it but no one took me up on my offer. But that’s ok. I’m new here so I’ll eventually grow in Tumblr before I get noticed. LOL

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend. Next week there is only 2 more days left of the week, and then my youngest is in winter break then I don’t have to wake up quite so early. Cause I’m tired!! Oh the downside of being #chronically ill!

#mental health #taylor swift helps my mental health #chronic illness #chronic pain #mental illness advocate #taylor can you help #who notices me #who reads this #cats #chronic fatigue #donations needed #i don’t know what i’m doing #i’m so tired #self care is not selfish #would you rather #words are pictures that turn into poetry #self care is listening to taylor swift #my cats love taylor swift #taylornoticeme

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bluecardigan-13 · 4 months

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50 likes!

I love to crochet. I am wishing for these items for myself for Christmas from someone. Which will not happen unless I buy them myself. I wish I was rich!! LOL

#50 likes #tumblr milestone #taylor swift helps my mental health #mental health #chronic illness #chronic pain #mental illness advocate #taylor can you help #who notices me #who reads this #chronic fatigue #artwork #art #art therapy #I’m a loser #crojo

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bluecardigan-13 · 4 months

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Take a look at how my #mom’s cats are helping her decorate her mini artificial #Christmas tree! I think they’re doing a great job at putting all those decorative details on the tree themselves!

My #mom has 2 #cats and she got the tree from my auntie cause she used to work in the office but recently got the chance to work from home! So my #mom asked to have the tree rather than get a big huge tree for the house.

My #dad suddenly passed away in 2021 and moved into this new home 2 years ago. So she didn’t feel it was needed to buy a big #Christmas tree to celebrate the holiday. Which is true. You just need your #friends and #ohana (Hawaiian for family), chosen or blood to celebrate it - and lots of #love.

What do you think? Did they do a good job? @taylorswift what do you think? Did they do a good job? I do! LOL

This is my #nephew checking out the job they did (he’s 18 months). I think he agrees too! The #cats did a fabulous job!! He’s showing my #mom the lights work, and that the placement of the decorative bulbs are just right. Great job #kitties!!💙🐈🐈‍⬛🐱😻

I think my #mom should let the #cats do the decor every year!

HBU @taylorswift do you think my #nephew agrees with how the tree looks? LOL 😂

I think I should’ve let my #cats decorate my tree. Maybe would’ve stopped chewing on it. Hahahah!!

#taylor can you help #cats #christmas #Christmas tree #decorated #christmas lights #Taylor these are my moms cats #cats are the best #more cats #ash and yoda are my cats #emotional support animals #beautiful #happiness #taylor swift helps my mental health

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bluecardigan-13 · 5 months

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Happy Birthday @taylorswift! I hope you had a wonderful birthday and a wonderful year.

I hope it was just as special as you are.

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bluecardigan-13 · 5 months

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I did it! I am so happy! I rented the @taylorswift Eras Tour concert on #amazon prime!! I cannot wait to watch it. Eek!! And I’m going to lock myself in my bedroom and take some mom time to watch it. Per Amazon you have 30 days to watch it.

I’m now going to to pay it forward to ONE person who has #Amazon Prime, I will purchase ONE #amazon gift card in the amount of $19.89 to rent the @taylorswift Eras Tour concert.

Only #one l

Here are the rules to get one:

1. Unfortunately I can’t rent the show for the person via #amazon BUT I can purchase a gift card in the amount of the rental $19.89 - @taylorswift birth year, so they can rent it if you can’t afford it right now. You must be the first person that messages me on this post that will get the gift card.

2. I will need your email address so I know where to send the gift card.

3. The person must use it to rent @taylorswift’s Eras concert that was released today. This is to rent the tour on Amazon only. I believe it can be rented until 12/20.

Once I get that first person, I’ll type “CLOSED”. Good luck!

Much love and mahalo. And Happy Birthday @taylorswift! Or Hau'oli lā hānau @taylorswift!! Sending you much love and may all your wishes come true!

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bluecardigan-13 · 5 months

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I am hoping to rent @taylorswift’s Eras tour concert on #Amazon Prime today or this weekend if I can afford it. I love that she made the price $19.89! LOL

Course I would totally love to own it as well. I’ll figure something out so I can watch it. Cause this is as close as this #mom will get to seeing @taylorswift in concert ever.

I highly doubt in my #wildest dreams will I get to see her live and in person.

I would love to travel to #japan and see @taylorswift in concert and meet her. Give her a hug and tell her how much she’s helped me in my life as a mom and wife.

When I cry so hard alone in the bathroom alone cause I don’t want my kids to see mom crying. I don’t want them to see how hard it is to cope with my #chronic pain, and #incurable diseases that neither one of my parents believe I have.

That I’m an embarrassment to them when people ask what I do for a living and I can’t give an answer cause I’m fully #disabled. Or when I started a small business to help other people like me, by creating self care boxes. And filing them with fun things from small businesses, but my dad would tell me that I would fail. Cause I didn’t know how to run a business at my age.

For me it wasn’t about how successful it was. It was about how many smiles I brought to people.

I don’t like to show my kids that #mom is sad that I feel like an utter failure. And that the only thing sometimes that gets me through the day is either crying or singing along with @taylorswift.

Isn’t that ridiculous?

If any of you feel the need to chat please message me with legitimate needs and I will be more than happy to sit and listen. I won’t judge. This is a #judgement free zone. I don’t give #advice unless you want it - I listen. My page is for this. My insta and YouTube is for that too.

#mental health #taylor swift helps my mental health #chronic illness #chronic pain #mental illness advocate #taylor can you help #who notices me #who reads this #crying #donations #love #fibromyalgia #bipolar #anxiety #panic attacks #ptsd #complex ptsd

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bluecardigan-13 · 5 months

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Today I was so #absent minded. Cooking for my husband’s #christmas party which now caused me to miss my virtual #therapy appointment. And I don’t miss appointments!

I have been feeling so #pathetic. Such a #loser. And that as a #mom and #wife I should be doing #more of everything.

I run my #youtube channel, #take care of my cats, #make sure that my kids get to their appointments, # do all the grocery shopping, #cook dinner, #make the grocery list and #dinner menu. I make #the appointments for my husband and the kids, and myself. And yes today - I could remember my oldest son’s appointment but couldn’t remember mine! And now it’s going to cost me $119!!!!!!! I don’t have that kind of money.

What is wrong with me?! I spent 6 hrs cooking my husband’s pot contribution. Which I don’t I don’t mind cause I love to #cook. But what is wrong with me?

I keep telling myself I need to contribute more. Since I’m fully #disabled, and can’t work. I used to be a successful insurance underwriter. I used to write about $50M in premium, but I can’t remember now my therapy appointment. Pathetic.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror. What is wrong with me? Last night I got upset cause I went grocery shopping and was so disappointed that my husband didn’t like the dang yogurt I picked for him. How sad is that?

The other night I keep waking up at 2 am screaming that my dad who died in 2021 due to a massive heart attack is still alive - who used to tell me I wasn’t good enough - and that I wasn’t sick. I wake up and I start crying. And saying I’m sick. I promise I’m sick.

Yet no one believes me. It reminds me of @taylorswift’s song #antihero and the line

“It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me

At tea time, everybody agrees

I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror

It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero”

The funny thing is I NEVER look at myself in the mirror. No one would ever look at me, including me.

I need to do more and better. The upside this is what distracted me from my therapy.

Pot Stickers and Filipino Lumpia. Hey @taylorswift would you like to share some with me?

#cooking #taylor swift #therapy #therapy session #self care #self hate #anti hero #lumpia #pot stickers #im tired #chronic pain #fibromyalgia

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bluecardigan-13 · 5 months

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Wishing anyone out there that reblogs this more love than they can ever imagine.

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bluecardigan-13 · 5 months

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#mental health #cats #ask is my cat #ash and Yoda are my cats #emotional support #traveling cats #taylor swift helps my mental health #Taylor these are my cats #ash is a scaredy cat #Yoda is my alpha cat #both are amazing #my cats love Taylor swift #does Taylor see these #am I swifty at 45 #i wish you peace #emotional support animals #sillyposting

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bluecardigan-13 · 5 months

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There is no benchmark anywhere in life that says you have to have this or this figured out. Life is hard, being an adult is hard. I’m 45 and I have a panic attack standing in line at the grocery store when I have to pay for my groceries! I freak out when I’m like yes I’m hurrying to put my check card away back off! LOL my oldest son is 20 and he says he feels bad that he doesn’t have his drivers license by now. I said who said you gotta have anything by now? Live your life, be you, love yourself and don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t. It will work itself out. At least it did for me. Life is too short to make yourself into something that makes you unhappy!

Yes I have actual #panic attacks when I am even in self check out at the store. Irrational as it may seem. I hyperventilate while I take my wallet out of my purse to pay for my groceries, and then when I put it back sweat trickles down my back while I am feeling stared at by probably no one! It’s ludicrous and silly!

Did you know that I have 2 #cats (Ash and Yoda) as my #emotional support animals? They each have their designated roles for me and help me cope. Ash who is grey and white, and meows like (not to be mean) but she meows like a crying baby - she helps keeps my brain in check. Like #grounded if that makes sense.

And Yoda she is my #alpha cat. When I buy them new toys or beds which tends to be more frequent than I’d like to admit will claim everything including the box it came in. But she knows when I am having a #panic attack. She lets her presence know by meowing before doing anything. Be it jumping on the couch, trying to help me balance my check book by ripping the receipts up - even tho I tell her not to. She lets out a short #meow. As to say I’m here pay attention human I am here to take care of you because I know you need me. Which 9 times out of 10 I do. I wish I could bring both of them with me when I go out but that’s frowned upon here. Plus they don’t like the kennels I’ve bought them, and I’m 1 person. I can’t carry both of them.

Yoda will climb on the couch or into bed with me and sit ON me until my #panic attacks pass. I’m not sure how she knows she just does.

I also have #cptsd. This is due to prolonged exposure emotional and mental abuse as a child. And even as an adult. I know no one is perfect. But I grew up in a traditional samurai Japanese household. What my parents said went. No questions asked. The word #NO was not apart of the English language or part of any conversation I had with them. I wasn’t a troubled child but was seen as one. My score in my family compared to my younger sister was a big fat goose egg.

She was the #golden child. I was not. Why you may ask? She did what she was told. She as I’ve heard #taylor swift say, she was the girl that smiled and waved. Did as she was told, never making waves. I #made waves. Not big ones. But like my sister was in AP everything, not me. I was a failure. She got straight A’s, I got A’s and B’s and gasp the occasional C. I remember once I got a D. I was tormented for it for months.

Did I not know that these grades (at the age of 7) would follow me for the rest of my life? #and that I bring shame to my family for such humiliation?! I never felt that this was my sister’s fault. This was just my parents. So my sister and I were still close. We’re 3 yrs apart.

As we got older, I remember her telling me that she had developed depression and anxiety too. But dealt with it by sticking her head in the sand because she saw what I went through with my parents. (My therapist wanted them to come to my sessions - my dad said no. That it was my problem that I needed to fix on my own. Why did he need to be there?) so she pretended like it was all fine. When it wasn’t. I told her she could talk to me if she wanted to. She never did. I’m guessing it’s just easier to pretend #everything is ok. Even when I’ve told her #it’s ok not to be ok.

If any of you need someone to talk to, please respond to this message I am more than happy to listen. Not necessarily give advice. Cause I’m not a dr. But I can be your friend if you want. Even if it’s once, or a million. This is a #judgment free zone. I also have a YouTube channel that’s the same way. #love is love.

I know what it feels like to be alone. And #it’s no fun. Wanna looks me up on YouTube? That’s me! I am a nobody. A small insignificant channel. I barely have 1,100 subs. I’m striving for it though. I really want to hit 2,000. I doubt I’ll get there. (Not enough people care about our my message!)

We talk about #art therapy, #yarn, #epoxy resin (I just moved from HI to OK but I do used to do live resin pours. I’m trying to get my craft area in order so I can start again), we also talk about #chronic illnesses - I have several and it sucks. We talk about #chronic pain which I also have, which also sucks.

We talk about having #fibromyalgia yes it’s a thing, despite what some drs say. We discuss #mental illnesses, which I also have and how hard it is to manage. We talk about how #art therapy helps manage these things and how nice it is sometimes to see on YouTube or wherever that there are other people like us out there. Cause it’s lonely sometimes thinking you might be the only one who has, #fibromyalgia, #chronic pain. These subjects are all hard things to talk about. I know. But I want to talk about them. People find me boring or annoying, or I bring them down. Maybe that’s why my channel isn’t growing?

Sometimes I lay in bed at night asking myself what’s wrong with me other than the obvious incurable diseases I have. I’m on so many medications, and I still have medical problems they can’t figure out. It’s a joke.

IDK maybe that’s why I’m here on Tumblr. LOL even though I still don’t know how this works 3 yrs later. Hahahaha!! I’m such a #boomer even tho I’m a millennial. Right? I’m 45. Go figure.

A mom, with 2 sons and a wonderful husband who takes care of me when I have a flare from my #fibro. Cause when you have a flare - it hurts so much even your #teeth, #hair and #skin hurt. Heck it hurts to #laugh!

Did you know that I haven’t been on a REAL vacation in over a decade? It’s sad. I would give my last #breath to my husband, or children before I ever would take a #vacation!

In all seriousness if you are in need to chat with someone cause you feel stuck? Or deal with the same or similar things that I do, please comment! Or head over to my youtube channel and comment. I do my best to comment to my members. (Oh and I don’t call them my subscribers. Yall are #ohana members. Cause you’re family. I find subscribers impersonal. I like having you as apart of my family.) I was born and raised in HI. And ohana is important in HI. I miss mine even if it’s contentious. They’re still my family.

And since my last post I lost my dad. He died during Covid. It’s weird cause it’s like time was before #Covid and after #Covid. Right? He died on 4/21/21 of a sudden cardiac arrest. My mom had just retired 4 months prior. They were planning on taking my oldest son to #Japan for his high school #graduation gift together. As the oldest I had to plan the funeral which was hard because of #covid. My husband was a big upset with this cause right before my dad passed away, my dad told me that he didn’t believe a single word I was saying about my illnesses. That I was just attention seeking. Cause I really love taking ll my meds and being poked and jabbed all the time for fun. But, his mom (my grandma) died in December of 2021. I was super close with her. I just want a break from life.

Anyway no said life was #easy or #happy right? Come join my #ohana where no one gets left behind. See what #silliness or #not so silliness we get up to. #Chat if you want. Or don’t. It’s a #no judgment zone, and #no one says you have to be somewhere or do some benchmark just cause you’re x yrs old.

More to come.

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bluecardigan-13 · 4 years

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5 posts!

Woot! Woot! LOL

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bluecardigan-13 · 4 years

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BTW I went to the ER because I was unable to manage my fibromyalgia flare a few weeks ago. And needed more help, than I had already tried at home.

Dr told me that my “pain” was in my head. And fibromyalgia was a garbage medical diagnosis. Because I have chronic diblitating pain, and my dr can’t find a box to fit me in. They shoved me there. That instead it was a panic attack. Fun times.

Why is it that some drs treat people with chronic pain like they’re criminals? And addicts looking for their next fix when I’m just looking for some small relief from the daily grind of living in pain. I hate it.

And all the while I hear whispers and talking in the back of my brain. And then I also have drs asking me if I’ve taken my meds because I have mood disorders. All of this makes me want to not reach out for help.

Besides who cares. Instead it’s better to cry in the dark in hopes I can find some sympathy or empathy from someone who can see me. And help me. And someone who can help my family and see that I’m just trying to find a better way of life.

I’m so over it all. The only thing that keeps me here are my kids and husband. And the hopes that one day - I’ll find someone who can help me make a difference, and bring to light so many injustices chroniclly ill and mentally ill deal with.

LOL lofty dreams for a nobody. I reach out to celebrities who have the capacity to help. I have yet to receive on response. While I know they’re busy. For once. I’d like to talk to one of them and get them excited about my ideas. Who do you think can help me?

BTW why does #taylor Swift’s “Cardigan” seem to be this warm enveloping weighted blanket? Yes I’m flying everywhere. But I can’t help it.

I need to go to bed. Someone tell Taylor Swift I said hello from the shadowlands of chronic pain, and depression island. I’d love to hang out with her and bake some cookies, with her cats, my cats, my kids and husband and Joe. Wouldn’t that be nice?

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bluecardigan-13 · 4 years

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Anxiety, depression and panic. My poetry are words that are pictures. This is what came to be.

#mental illness #mental health #anxiety #panic attacks #self care #poetry in my head #words are pictures that turn into poetry #pain in my heart #mental illness is real #help me out #searching for help #who reads this #who cares #diary to myself #words into the abyss #sleep deprived #my brain hurts #who notices me #am I real

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bluecardigan-13 · 4 years

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The last several days have been mentally and physically dibilitating.

I had stage 1 of breast reconstruction surgery due to a double mastectomy. Fun times. NOT. I haven’t been handling the pain with this surgery as well. I think it’s because of the nature of the surgery and how much more invasive it is.

I haven’t been sleeping well, eating, or coping with my anxiety, fibromyalgia and surgical pain well. Self care has literally gone out the window. And before I had surgery my mom, who lives with my family and I did not like my request of staying elsewhere while I recover and while she’s on vacation. (She tends to do whatever she wants. And doesn’t care. Nor does she take into account my physical health and underlying conditions when it comes to COVID) I haven’t been shouted at like that since I was 16 and I’m 42.

Today is 3 days post op and trying to find any sort of pain relief has been impossible. Everyone treats me like I’m some sort of drug addict. When in reality, I’m a mentally ill and physically ill person that unfortunately has lots of chronic pain. I take my meds as prescribed and do what I’m supposed to do when it comes to my dr appointments but I always get this side eyed look from drs when I ask for help to manage my pain. Which in turn messes with my mental health.

So right now with my pain management out the window and what they’ve given me not working I’ve spiraled into oblivion. Searching for some light at the end of the tunnel.

I don’t know what I’m doing on here or what the point is for this account? I don’t even know if anyone bothers to read any of this.

I’ve never cried so much in the last week in a long time. Pain and fatigue, anxiety and panic attacks, dissociation and PTSD do not mix well with surgical pain.

Anyone got a great Taylor Swift song for me?

Oh and an update on my brother in law. His cancer has now spread to his brain. I’m beyond beyond. It just hurts so much that I can’t help. And my fundraising efforts have stalled right now - due to my surgery.

#mental health #self care #surgical procedure #pain management #taylor swift #taylornoticeme #taylor swift song #cancer sucks #terminal cancer #gofundme #donations needed #help needed #someone help #reaching for help #mental illness

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bluecardigan-13 · 4 years

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I just watched last Christmas with Emilia Clarke. And it made me fall to bits.

With Kate being ill? It made me feel less alone. I’ve never cried so hard in a long time.

Funny though Christmas reminds me of Taylor Swift. Glittery and hopeful. And the “angel” in the movie? Made me think of her. I wish I felt solid. Not a shadow.

It’s silly. Dumb. I’m just me. I need some solid hope in it.

#taylornoticeme #taylorlurking #taylor swift #last christmas #glitter #hopefully #solid #darkness

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