tasavvur-e-jaana

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

“Why don’t you?” She asks. “Why don’t you keep yourself open to it?”

I know what she’s talking about. She’s my best friend and I can read her like a fucking book. “Open to what?” I feign innocence hoping this topic would end itself. But she is adamant and rolls her eyes at me. She knows the ruse because she’s my best friend and she can read me like a fucking book too.

“Falling in love.” She plays along. She’s dating someone and is in the honeymoon phase of it, the type where love is all around. I am happy for her, but the concern bugs me. The worst thing is she knows me inside out and is acutely aware of how lonely I am. I never confessed to her in so many words but you know- book, me, reading…

“It’s a wonderful feeling.” She nudges.

“It’s a horrible and shitty feeling.” I want to spit it out. The word runs like vitriol in my veins. I want to shout at her “It’s the worst thing that has happened to me. Or could happen to me. Every time I like someone there is an ache in my chest that never goes away. I can never tell them how I feel because eventually, they all leave.”

“I can’t afford it.” Is what I say out loud.

“Is this because you’re asexual?” She asks. Curious. Not judging. It has been a few months since I came out to her. She had been surprised, of course, but at least hadn’t dismissed the fact that asexuality exists like a lot of other people with whom I have had casual conversations about the topic to gauge their reactions to the idea. My mother, for once. And I had shut up.

So, yes it is because I am an asexual and I only want a best friend for life. Who would agree to that? Who would agree to a lifetime of relationship that has everything but sex in it? Because that is what has been drilled into us, since forever that a relationship is just not as meaningful without sex. It is not complete. So, yes, that is one of the reasons. I have tried connecting with people but when I hint that I don’t want anything more, it ends inevitably. And I don’t grudge them that. It only settles the paranoia and loneliness deeper in my gut. And after years of struggling to accept who I am, I desperately wish I were normal.

I nod my head. Her face falls into a frown and there is a hint of pity there. I detest it. “So, what do you want then?” She asks. It is a genuine question. She has barely wrapped her mind around it. I reply, “A best friend for life kinda deal.”

“Oh, I am there for that!” She chirps. Her voice jubilant. I want to believe her, I want to hope she means it but I know better by now. I have lost too many close friends, a couple of best friends even to the throes of romantic love. After a couple of experiences, I just shut off myself from friends who got into a relationship to save myself from heartbreak. And let me tell you, it hurts just as bad as a break-up. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

I smile, a sad little upturn of lips because if I didn’t I would break down. I can already picture losing her. This is one of our last long conversations. The end has begun in my head. I am aware that I am absolutely foolish for this. “You don’t mean that.” The words leave my mouth and she is furious.

“One day I am going to hit you so much that some sense gets knocked into you.” She shouts. I still don’t believe her as I nod in agreement. “Sure,” I say.

She does not let the topic go, though. She is one relentless idiot. “What do you do when you like someone?”

“I wait for the feeling to pass.”

That is what I do. I talk to them if I can battle with the day’s freezing social anxiety, I laugh, I nod along and wait for time to pass. Because eventually, they move on, I know my sentiments would too, with time. Not gone completely, but subdued, controllable, like a withered flower in a book. And I wait for the love to pass.

#doodles rants #diary of an asexual #just somethin' i needed off my chest #asexuality #asexual #spilled ink

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

Mehez kuchh...

//

Lafz falsafe bun ne ki khatir hain kya? Lafz khud ko behlaane ki khatir hain kya? Gham e hasti ke bojh se nikalne ki chaah, Lafz khamosh afsaane chun ne ki khatir hain kya?

Lafz kaatibon ke aalaa jo nahi to hai kya? Lafz shayaron ka niwaala jo nahi to hai kya? Awaam ko jhoote khwaabon mein band kar, Lafz siyaasiyon ke vish ka pyaala nahi to hai kya? Jazbaaton ke bayaanat ke liye aur to kya karoon? Lafz mere khamoshi se kahin ziyaadaa hain kya?

//

#doodles poems #spilled ink #original poem #urdu poetry #urdulovers #urdublr #urdu ashaar #desiblr

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

doston ki aadat lagne se baaz na aaye, khair,

kahin kabhi mulakaat mein alfaaz na aaye, khair,

wahi dil ka tootna, wahi ishq ki tauheen,

muntazir ke haathon wo humraaz na aaye, khair.

#doodles poems #original poem #urdu poetry #urdulovers #urdu ashaar #urdublr #desiblr

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

jaan o imaa' ke aage kaun insaan hoga? ya to but hoga, ya phir khuda hoga, meri aatish se na jalne wala wo ishq, ya to aaftab ya to kahkashaa' hoga.

#doodles poems #spilled ink #urdu poetry #urdulovers #urdu ashaar #urdublr

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

FINALLY I AM BACK IN WRITING FANFICS!!

The block is over!! wohoooo!!

hopefully you like this, although it is a purely self-indulgent banter between the beautiful friendship :)))

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Loki (TV 2021) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Loki & Mobius M. Mobius, Loki/Mobius M. Mobius Characters: Loki (Marvel), Mobius M. Mobius Additional Tags: One Shot, Friendship, Developing Friendships, Fluff, Soft Loki, Softer Mobius, No Angst, my first ever work with no angst (thank you Mobius), Comfort, this is purely self-indulgent, Banter, Dialogue, YES IT HAPPENS IN AN ELEVATOR, TVA elevator rides are apparently very long hahaha, Drabble, Mobius M. Mobius Wants a Jet Ski, jet ski Summary:

Loki shuffled, his dark locks a mess, one eye sticking to the garish paper, and the other slant, gazing at his captor. Interrogator? Saviour? Definitely not that. He was a god for Odin’s sake. “What?” He asked, pouring all the irritation as dramatically as possible in that single syllable.

#loki #loki series #loki season one #mobius #jetski #banter #friendship #fluff #i love mobius

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

A friend

//

The tale is coming to an end, You are, my last friend. No more reason to cling, Nostalgic; to the times spent.

I can feel it in my bones, We're on stepping stones, No looking back, not yet, to repent Coz the story is coming to an end.

Let the happy ending depend, On the porch where we disband, Memories beneath teary eyelids, 'Tis the chance for dreams to upend.

The tale, fortuitously, is coming to an end. And you, you were my last friend.

//

#doodles poems #spilled ink #original poem #loki #loki series #lokius #loki finale #loki s2 #loki spoilers #loki laufeyson #loki season 2 #mobius #english poetry

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

Main tumhari chitaa par Tumse milne nahi aaya. Kyon ki main jaanta hoon Ki tum mar nahi sakte.

Ye jo rakh hawa mein udd rahi hai, Wo tum nahi, Ye jo lakdiyaan sulag rahi hain, Wo tum nahi. Jhoota hai woh, Jisne tumhare marne ki sacchi khabar failaayi hai.

Tum ab bhi wo kursi mein ho Jo tumhare mez ke saamne padi rehti hai, Tum ab bhi un kitaabon mein ho, Jinme maine tumhare liye phool chhipaaye the. Yeh soch kar ki tum jab bhi un par haath pheroge, Wo khushboo mujh tak aayegi.

Tum aaj bhi Godavari mein gote lagaa rahe ho, Aaj bhi purani dilli ki sadkein naap rahe ho, Tum Adilabaad ke jungle mein, mere saath… Tum inquilaab ki nas nas mein, watan ke saath…

Wo saal jo tumne naami-badnaami ke zimme guzaare the, Kahaan hain woh sab abhi, Wo din jo tumne virah aur ranj mein kaate the, Kahaan hain woh din sabhi? Mere seene mein sanjot kar rakhe hain saare, Kabhi mann kare toh inhe bhi bahaane chale aana.

Tum zinda ho mujh mein, Chitaa mein main jal raha hoon, Kabhi fursat mile toh Isi nadi ke tat par baatein karne chale aana.

#doodles poems #original poem #spilled ink #urdu poetry #urdulovers #urdu ashaar #urdublr #rrr poems #rrr

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

Adhura chaand aur main, Aaj kuchh baki sa hai chand falak mein, Kuchh baki sa main bhi hun.

Isliye nahi ke ab tujhse mulaakat nahi hogi, Isliye kyun ke abr gila ke chhaye hain harsu.

Aaj adhura hai chand falak mein.

Aaj bhi woh intezar mein hai uske chakor ke, Bechara; khud ko ghalatfehmiyon se behlata hua, Khud ko purane kisse aur jhoote dilaase deta hua.

Aaj adhura sa hai chand falak mein.

Kya woh itna bhi nahi jaanta? Kya woh tanhaai bhi nahi pehchanta? Na koi sitaara hoga aaspaas, na koi farishta, Ab toh bas yeh hi hai uski daastan, Uska muqaddar.

Aaj adhura hai chand falak mein.

Aahista aashita, Katra Katra, Pighalna hai use aasmaan mein hi, Jab tak na rahe koi naam-o-nishaan Na jaane koi k chand bhi kabhi hua karta tha, Na roye koi uske liye,

Aaj bahot tanhaa sa chand hai falak main.

Bas woh, maut ka intezar, Aur main.

#doodles poems #spilled ink #original poem #urdu poetry #urdulovers #urdu ashaar #urdublr

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

peechle dino jo sher post kiya tha uski puri nazm ...

//

Musalsal bolta raha main, khaamosh sunta raha woh, Iss tarah bhi hamari hui hai haar kabhi kabhi.

Makaam chhut te chale gaye, nazar ho kar bekhabar, Zindagi bhi gazab hui hai funkaar kabhi kabhi.

Charaagh jalaaye the humne Ishq ke saikdon, Magar teeragi unpar hui hai bezaar kabhi kabhi.

Nishaan-e-takht-barbaadi se chashm na hat sake, Dao par lagai hui hai tasveer-e-yaar kabhi kabhi.

Khuda ki ibaadat, kaabe ki tamanna chhod di thi kabse, Sajdaa-e-watan mein kaafiri hui hai dushvaar kabhi kabhi.

//

#doodles poems #spilled ink #original poem #urdu poetry #urdulovers #urdublr #old poems #reposting from my old blog #urdu ashaar

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

Tera har khat ab bahaana sa lagta hai, Ae mere dost tu ab anjana sa lagta hai,

Paati teri, alfaaz tere aur likhaai teri, Lekin usmein kisi aur ka fasaana sa lagta hai. Tera har khat…

Dhundhe tu ne na aane ke hazaron javaaz, Goya ek mulakaat tujhe jurmaana sa lagta hai. Tera har khat…

Hamare ism se hi judi hai hijr ki kahaani, Khwaab-e-vasl ab afsaana sa lagta hai. Tera har khat…

Shab-e-gul ki bahaar khizaa mein badal gayi, Woh gulmohar ek khazaanaa sa lagta hai. Tera har khat…

Katra katra guzar rahi hai jaavedani ab, Waqt ka taqaazaa ab begaana sa lagta hai. Tera har khat…

#doodles poems #spilled ink #original poem #urdu poetry #urdulovers #urdublr #urdu ashaar

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

thehro (stay)

english version below

//

Ek lafz aur sau baatein, Jo zubaan par hai magar keh nahi paate, Thehro.

Sehra ki ret si, band mutthi mein fisalti hui, Shamaa band kamre mein haule se jalti hui, Ek shaam aur sau mulakaatein, Thehro.

Kya haal e dil, kya jaan e sabab, Kya waqt ka taqazaa, kya raahein beadab, Wahi muntazir nagme gungunatey, Thehro.

Bune afsaano ka galaa ghont kar, Aankhon mein harsat, arz honth par, Kehte hue hain alfaaz dagmagaatey, Thehro.

Dehliz ke uss paar kadam e dost hai, Phir tanhaai e aagosh mein soz hai, Ek baar aur charaagh e ashq hain jalaatey, Thehro.

Ek lafz aur saikadon baatein, Kehne ki himmat jo nahi kar paatey, Thehro.

//

One word and a hundred emotions, Buried deep with extreme commotions, Stay.

Slipping as the beach sand through the fingers, An ache makes its home, forever lingers, One evening and a hundred telling actions, Stay.

Constricting the soul with ashened shards, Feelings like gold with dragon as a guard, One string and a million vibrations, Stay.

Massacred fantasies, made up scenes, Dewy eyes, masked faces unseen, One silent request and a million implications, Stay.

A friend whose shadow is out the door, Sound of footsteps fading on the floor, A knife to the heart and thousand lacerations, Stay.

One word and a million emotions, Left unsaid, tumultuous notions, Stay.

#doodles poems #spilled ink #original poem #urdu poetry #urdulovers #urdu ashaar #urdublr #english poem #english poetry #poem #poetry #poets on tumblr #writers and poets

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

Meri pasand, meri raay, meri tadbir, Sab tay kar liya zamaane ne. Meri deewaron ka rang, meri parchhaai, Sab tay kar liya zamaane ne.

Mere dost, mere yaar, meri shanasaai, Sab tay kar liya zamaane ne. Meri bandishein, mere haq, meri rusvaai, Sab tay kar liya zamaane ne.

In gulaabi pardon ke aage Siyaah aankhon ki ghataa hai chhai, Lekin meri haqeeqat, meri ruswaai, Sab tay kar liya zamaane ne.

Mahalon ke roshan divan ho bhale hi, Aazadi hai meri zulfon mein mehfooz Yeh baat badi der mein samajh aai Kyun ki sab tay kar liya tha zamaane ne.

#doodles poems #original poem #spilled ink #urdu poetry #urdulovers #urdu ashaar #urdublr #urdu lines #urdu shayari #urdu literature

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

Badi masroofiyat se guzre hain tab itni faariqi tak pahuche hain, Ab mujhe kisi ishq ka kaam laazmi nahi.

#doodles poems #spilled ink #urdu poetry #urdu ashaar #urdublr

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

yaad rakh

tere dost ke aur bhi yaar hain, yaad rakh, tere firdaus ke aur bhi dildaar hain, yaad rakh,

jis husn ki aatish mein jalne chalaa hai tu, un haathon ke jaam ke aur bhi khareedaar hain, yaad rakh.

teri namaakul hai hayaat, fakiri tera afsaana, hoor o noor kahan chahti hai aadam e khvaar, yaad rakh.

muda'aa tera, kissa tera jald hi khatm hoga, yahan na koi tera shaharyaar hai, yaad rakh.

tere dost ke aur bhi hain yaar, yaad rakh. mukammal na hoga ishq, dil e bezaar, yaad rakh.

#doodles poems #original poem #spilled ink #urdu poetry #urdulovers #urdu ashaar #urdublr #urdu sher #urdu lines #urdu shairi

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

apne dil ke hisse yaar dost mein baant diye, kisi ni majboori mein rakha, kisi ne raah mein chhod diya, kisi ne ghabra kar humse, raabta wahin tod diya.

hum raah mein chhute tukde bator laaye, jyo tyo unhe phir saabut banaaye, puraane yaar chhute aur naye aaye, humne wahi afsaane dohraaye…

dil ke tukde hatheli par liye, phir se pesh e khidmat kiye, phir kisi ne dillagi mein rakha, kisi ne nukkad par chhod diya, phir kisi ne hasee uda kar, apnaa muh phir mod liya.

#doodles poems #original poem #spilled ink #urdu poetry #urdulovers #urdu ashaar #urdublr

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

Wo kehte hain ishq ki zubaan nahi hoti To phir mujhe bataaye ki urdu kya hai?

Gar har sajde mein qubool ho jaati hai dua, To koi mujhe samjhaaye ki aarzoo kya hai?

Kya har mod par naqsh e paa khojte rahenge? Saamne hai, haath nahi aata yeh justju kya hai?

Ret ke zarre sa ungliyon se fisaltaa hua, Dasht e tanhaai mein teri khushboo kya hai?

Kya baat hogi mujhse mere khaak hone ke baad, Aaj shaam haseen hai, keh de guftagu kya hai?

#doodles poems #original poem #spilled ink #urdu poetry #urdulovers #urdu ashaar #urdublr #urduadab #writers of tumblr

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

the third wheel

//

was always a wallflower till you plucked and planted me in your heart where i cherished for a long time. a place which was reserved for someone else and i was only keeping the soil together, leeching the minerals from it the waters of your love seeping deep… a concrete blossom can never be at home in the warm clay, can it?

a flower garden does not harbour weeds yet you let me grow. t'is the season of spring now and the weeds have to go. that's the way of nature i guess uprooted, discarded, lying by the side that's my place with my wounded hide.

a hydrogen atom cannot have two electrons, a binary system cannot have three stars, and a jugalbandi cannot have three instruments it causes imbalance a disruption of the ugliest sort

maybe that's what i am an intruder, an interference white noise in the background.

//

#doodles poems #original poem #spilled ink #english poem #rrr poems #written for lacchu from rrr but can be read as standalone #rrr