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writerblue275 · 3 months

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Heartsteel love language headcanon (Giving and Receiving)

Inspiration: I was thinking about this because we were discussing the idea in the book club I’m a part of. So I thought about me and that led me to think about what Heartsteel’s love languages would be!

Champions: Heartsteel

Genre: Headcanon

Type: FLUFF

Gender: Gender Neutral Reader!

TW: None!

Aphelios

Giving: Words of Affirmation

Now some of you might be giving me side-eye, but hear me out. This is both verbal and non-verbal.

We know he canonically can speak, just not loudly and he doesn’t talk super often. Now I still believe he’d primarily communicate in a way that’s non-verbal, such as sign language, in order to not overwork his vocal cords.

Because of this, anytime Aphelios speaks, you want to fucking listen to him. When he says something, you know it’s something important. He doesn’t waste his voice on just anything. It’s too precious for that.

But lucky you, he never finds talking to you a waste. He loves using what voice he does have to give you all the lovely affirmations/compliments you could ever ask for. He will make sure his love for you is known.

And he doesn’t have to use his voice either. You will absolutely get random texts throughout the day, or find sweet little notes in your pocket/bag. Any card you receive as part of a gift or something just has such sweet words written in it. I can also see Phel leaving notes on your mirror (either in dry erase or on a post-it) to make you smile.

The biggest hype man when you meet your goals/achieve something you’ve been working hard towards. And he’s genuinely excited about it too. He’s really so happy for and proud of you and he makes sure you’re aware of that. Phel always just wants to make you smile and let you know, despite his busy and bizzare schedule, he loves you very much and you’re extremely important to him.

Receiving: Quality time

Aphelios loves when you and him have some alone time together. In the hustle and bustle of being a member of an extremely popular group, his mind can get really chaotic. But then he sees you and it’s like a switch gets flipped.

You calm him down like no one else can. You don’t even have to do or say anything specifically. Phel is a big fan of companionable silence (big same, my guy) and of “being alone together” with you (if that makes sense.) Though of course he is also a big fan of you cuddling him and chatting about whatever.

Sometimes you’ll bring work over to his studio and work on that while he’s writing/recording his compositions. You always make sure to bring snacks/meals and caffeine for him and he always stops to enjoy the food with you and listen as you talk about your day. You’re one of the few people who can easily pull him away from work no matter what.

When both of you get back to work, you may barely say a word to each other, but it doesn’t matter at all.

He’s more productive when you’re with him in his studio and he also takes better care of himself. You’ve received texts from Alune and calls from Yone asking you to just move into his studio permanently. (Of course they’re joking, but they do love the positive influence you have on Aphelios, his music, and his well-being.)

He just loves being in your presence, knowing you could be anywhere in the world if you wanted to be, but here you are, with him, loving him. It makes his heart really happy and light.

Ezreal

Giving: Physical Touch

I feel this is one of the more obvious ones, but Heartsteel Ezreal just gives off the vibes of someone who is very physically affectionate.

That’s not a bad thing. He’s just absolutely the type to come up behind you and give you a hug and nuzzle your neck. This won’t be any surprise though. His love of physical affection is demonstrated early on in your relationship through linked pinkies or a hand always on you in some way.

Dare I say, clingy (in a good way though). He just loves touching you. Doesn’t matter if he’s working, he can get creative. Like he’s absolutely flashed in front of you during a concert to give you a wink and get a high-five. Ezreal loves how pink your cheeks get and how wide you smile at him. (Ideally he’d love to give you more attention but he knows Alune and Yone would kill him if he got too extra.)

You’ve received post-show texts from Kayn that say something along the lines of: “For fuck’s sake, (Y/N), can you please get back here already so your puppy can finally give you the “proper amount of attention” he’s spent the past 15 minutes rambling about? I’m about to tape his mouth shut so I don’t vomit.” (He’s 95% joking. All of Heartsteel loves how happy you make Ezreal, but they can only handle so much post-show adrenaline-filled gushing.)

Him having that physical connection with you is his primary way of letting you know he’s there for you and that you’re important to him. When you’re with him, the two of you are always touching some way some how. As I said, some of his favs are linked hands/fingers. He also loves having his arm(s) around you or his head on your shoulder/lap.

It really doesn’t matter though. All that matters is that he feels you next to him.

Receiving: Words of Affirmation

I feel like Ez is the type of guy who definitely wants to hear you say you love him as often as possible. He will never get tired of hearing you say those words to him.

I do think some of this stems from his past. Having spent time in the public eye for such a long time, and unfortunately being heavily critiqued after he failed to follow up his first solo hit with success, that’s made him doubt himself and his abilities at times.

Imposter syndrome can really be a bitch (I know it well). Unfortunately, it’s made moments in his life difficult, especially since this original scrutiny happened when he was younger, during a critical developmental period for someone growing up. (Ezreal is only in his like early-early mid twenties, y’all. Shit happening during/before that can really leave an impact.)

Hearing you say how proud you are of him, or even if you just compliment him on something small (like the watch he chose to wear for the day or how good his hair looks), well that means everything to him.

You love how his face lights up whenever you compliment him or tell him something sweet. His adorable crooked smile is like concentrated sunshine.

One of your favorite things to do is leave sticky notes on his mirror that just say sweet things like “I love you, Ez!” Or “Looking good, handsome!” He always makes sure to take a selfie with each post it note when you do because he loves seeing them as much as you love putting them up there. It’s your favorite part of the day, getting your daily selfie from him with your note in it.

One time Alune told you the story of how Ezreal turned into a fountain of tears and wouldn’t stop talking about how much he loved you when you had flowers and a really sappy note (detailing how much you love him, how proud you are of him, how you’ve always believed in him/his talent, and thanking him for allowing you the honor to be by his side and support him through this amazing journey) delivered to him before Heartsteel’s first concert. He has the original card framed and he takes a copy of the note with him when he goes on trips. He reads your words before every single performance as part of his pre-show ritual.

Kayn

Giving: Physical Touch (TBH I feel like touch is just very slightly over words of affirmation for Kayn. At least for giving.)

You know what, I think Kayn is similar to Ez a little bit. Just another member who I can see being physically affectionate with his partner.

HOWEVER, I think how Kayn expresses his physical affection is different than Ezreal. Unlike Ezreal who I see as being very overt with physical affection, I see Kayn as someone who is just slightly more low-key.

Now that’s not to say he’s not going to express that in public. He absolutely will. But with Kayn I see more: hand in your back pocket while you’re in line, hand on your thigh if he drives (he’s figured out that’s the only way you’ll tolerate his driving), arm sliding around your waist whenever he steps next to you, hand slowly slipping into yours.

The sort of touches that leave you blushing and biting your lip. The ones that leave you a little breathless. (Not saying Ez can’t do those. I fully believe he can. But there’s just really something about Kayn’s punk/bad boy energy that has me like…😳 and 😏 at the same time.)

He’s a BIG fan of kissing. Like you cannot convince me otherwise. Like yeah his hands can do some of the talking, but kissing you is his favorite way to show he loves you.

(Lord help me I could do a whole headcanon for Kayn kisses alone, I feel like. I have THOUGHTS.) Anytime you want a kiss, you get a kiss, no questions asked. And the way he kisses you indicates a lot for how he’s feeling.

Sleepy Kayn? Forehead, nose, cheek kisses (shhhhhhh he has a soft side. Don’t tell anyone). Needy Kayn? He’s either kissing you completely breathless or he’s leaving hickeys somewhere on you. Otherwise, even if he’s just walking past you to get to another room, he will always stop to give you a kiss hello. And even those sweet quick kisses hello leave you feeling just LOVELY.

Receiving: Words of Affirmation (again I was between this and physical touch, but unlike giving where physical touch wins, I think receiving, words of affirmation win.)

Again, similar to Ez, I think a lot of this stems from his pre-Heartsteel past. Kayn got kicked out of his old band and got a not-great reputation in the media. Like there’s no denying that sucks and that sort of criticism can really fuck with a person’s mind.

So when you compliment him, you say you’re really proud of him, or when you tell him how great he was after a show, he eats that shit up with a SPOON.

And Kayn might try to play it off as not a big deal, but every time you tell him you love him, you can’t help but notice how happy and content he looks. As if all is right with the world. (Listen this might be a tad cheesy but let this rockstar get some genuine fucking love and praise here please.)

I’ve mentioned before in my pet names headcanon (HERE) that I think some pet names really mean something to Kayn. Like when he calls you sexy (ex: “Hey, sexy, how was work?”) it’s his way of affirming to you that he finds you sexy. Same if he calls you beautiful or hottie or whatever.

So when YOU call HIM those sorts of pet names, it means something to him. He takes it as affirmation you still find him to be sexy/handsome/etc… Also let’s be real, the man put in work to get the body he has. You can feed his ego a bit on this.

Another one who secretly keeps any cards or notes you give him. If he’s ever feeling bad about himself or really nervous and he can’t talk to you, he’ll start reading through his stash and it always helps. Knowing you love him and believe in him really shoves the demons away.

Though let’s be real here, nothing compares to hearing you say sweet things to him in person (or over the phone).

K’Sante

(The number of times I changed my mind on his love languages omfg. We’ll talk a little more about receiving first in this one)

Giving and receiving: Words of affirmation

A lot of this has to do with K’Sante’s pre-Heartsteel backstory, as well as his base-lore character. (I know this is for HS K’Sante, but they kept some traits from his base character [The Pride of Nazumah] that I think really feed into this.)

K’Sante is a very proud man. He’s a very ambitious man. It doesn’t matter whether that pertains to music, to fashion, to design, to fitness, etc. whatever he’s doing, he puts his all into it.

And when you put your all into something, naturally there’s some desire for someone to acknowledge the effort you put in, as well as appreciate the result of all that effort. And while he gets that from the fans, the media, other places, none of that approval means more to him than your approval.

He feels your love whenever you tell him how handsome he looks in the new design he brought to life or text him about a photo in the media and compliment him. Whenever you’re the first one to notice when he’s changed his hair. Whenever you cheer him on as he’s doing reps. Whenever you comment on how amazing his part of their new song is.

Hearing/reading (for texts) your pride in, support for, and love for him allows him to stay ambitious and to keep driving for more and he’s so grateful for you. He definitely realizes outside of HS, you are what helps keep things steady.

And while you are super proud of him, he’s ALSO super proud of you and he’s definitely not afraid to let you know that.

I feel like it’s very difficult to have low self-esteem regarding your looks when you’re with him. K’Sante will compliment you out the wazoo. When you look fine he’s making sure you know you look fine (which to him is always). I also feel like he’d use you as a muse for his designs, which is like a massive compliment.

And if you’re nervous about something, K’Sante is such an excellent hype man. He’s reminding you why you are so amazing and that your personal strengths are perfect to get you through whatever is being thrown at you.

Along the same vein, I feel like K’Sante would be the best person to go to for advice. He seems extremely thoughtful with what he says and I feel like he knows exactly what to say to make you feel better about things. (I mean shit we know other members already go to him for advice, he’d absolutely give you, his partner, advice as well.)

And when you achieve something? He is celebrating as much as if he accomplished it himself. He’s very proud of you. “What did I tell you, baby! I knew you could do it!”

Definitely brags about you and your achievements, at least to Heartsteel. He’s just so fucking proud of you and he can’t keep that to himself! That’s a disservice to you! I feel like he’d at least ask and make sure he could tell other people about your achievement though.

(Hehehe this makes me imagine: You know he’s been bragging about you again because you receive random texts from the other members congratulating you on something you’ve recently accomplished.)

This big guy is just a man who really enjoys telling you he loves you (as well as what he loves about you) and loves to hear you say it back (as well as what you love about him).

Sett

Giving and receiving: Acts of Service

A lot of this stems from being raised by a single mother after his father just up and left (shoutout to the single parents out there. Y’all are incredible). Sett would do anything to try and make Ma’s life easier. We know he’s the best cook of the group and I bet he learned how to cook pretty early on.

I imagine Sett also quickly learned sewing and other household tasks for the same reason. It just hurt him to see his mother so damn tired and stressed after working multiple jobs to try and make ends meet. He wanted to do what he could to help. That desire to make things easier for the people he loves hasn’t gone away as he’s grown up. If anything, it’s gotten stronger. (God damn Ma raised him so well 😭.) He shows this type of love in many different forms, starting with simple ways. He’ll always open the door/car door for you. He’ll walk on the side closer to the street. Always offers an arm to you when going down stairs. He’s happy to carry any bags for you.

Of course Sett just as easily does more in-depth acts of service. Mending clothes you love that you thought couldn’t be fixed. (God I love Sett loving to sew.) Happily teaching you to sew when you ask him. Cooking dinner whenever he can (he loves trying out new things, but even more so, he loves showing you the meals of his childhood). Ma always cooks with lots of love and that’s a quality she passed down to her son. He also loves spoiling you through his actions (think surprise bubble baths/face masks/massages/etc.) just because he wants to and he thinks you deserve to be spoiled.

Sett would literally run through a brick wall if it would make your life easier in the short and long run. You make him so happy. He loves you so much and making sure you’re happy and well taken care of is the least he can do, in his mind.

On the receiving end of things, anything you do for him, whether small or big, Sett appreciates more than you know. Whether it’s bandaging his knuckles after a particularly intense bout with a punching bag or making sure his keys and water bottle are in their proper spot by the door so he doesn’t forget them, these seemingly small things mean the world to him.

And when you do “bigger things” like fix his sewing machine that he hasn’t had time to take to the repairman, or reseason his cast-iron cookware? You’ve got Sett ready to propose on the god damn spot. You organized his spare fabric swatches by color and it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen (besides you). He would not stop thanking you for the rest of the week.

When you make dinner and prep a plate for him to heat up once he gets home really late from a long day? It doesn’t matter if he’s the better cook, to him, this is the best meal he’s ever tasted. And when you stay awake late and help him into a warm bath/shower? It’s adorable to see your massive and jacked boyfriend turn into putty under your gentle ministrations. He especially loves when you wash his hair and play with his ears.

Along the same vein, he loves when you come greet him after a bout of boxing with his little medical bag. You always look him over carefully, running a quick concussion check, cleaning anything that needs to be cleaned, and wrapping anything that needs to be wrapped. He’s so appreciative he doesn’t even flinch when you’re cleaning out a cut with antiseptic.

You really know how to love him so well and he’s ready to receive ALL OF IT and love you back the same way.

Yone

Giving and receiving: Acts of service

Yone is another member who I think both gives and receives love the same way and that is through acts of service.

Whenever you bring him a meal or coffee, or just drag him away from his monitors for a brain break, that’s when he feels your love the most. When you bring food he appreciates anything you bring him, but the stuff he finds the most delicious are the things you make yourself. It doesn’t matter if you’re not the best chef.

Something that’s small but he really really loves is when you brush out and braid/play with his hair. Besides a hair stylist, you’re the only one he lets touch his hair.

He knows it’s not easy to love him considering his profession, so the fact you take the time and do these things for him? You take the time to make his life easier? Well it makes him melt tbh. (You are one of the very few lucky souls who gets to see soft Yone. You lucky fucking duck.)

His schedule is wacky, he’s often stressed due to deadlines, and his celebrity status makes date nights or just walking around in public a difficult adventure sometimes.

And because Yone knows being in a relationship with someone of his profession and status is difficult, he really tries to make it up to you and return your acts of service with his own, just to show you you’re always on his mind and that he really he loves you too, even if he can’t always be there to show you.

For example Yone always keeps things neat and tidy (a dream really) and he knows you well enough (I mean duh) that he knows where everything of yours goes, so you’re never shocked when you find your shared bedroom and bathroom perfectly clean and all your things exactly in their spots. You only wonder when he had the time?? (He just chuckles when you ask him.)

Whenever he’s not stuck at work, he’s incredibly sweet and helpful, doing all sorts of little things that just make day-to-day life so much easier.

You wake up after Yone and like coffee? Every morning he makes sure the maker is programmed to have a cup ready for you when you wake up. You cooked? Great! He’s got dishes no problem. You decide to clean a room? He’s either helping you do it or hey, pick any other room for him and he’ll clean that one.

And this doesn’t just stop at like day-to-day living things. If you come home stressed, before you know it you’re sitting in front of him, fresh out a steaming bubble bath, while he massages your shoulders/back and listens to you ramble about what has you so tense. His definition of acts of service definitely include things that spoil you.

Why do I feel like he makes a surprisingly good breakfast? I think he’d enjoy making a whole breakfast in bed meal for you, especially on a birthday or anniversary, but also sometimes just because he wants to surprise you.

Yone’s definitely a gentleman whose actions speak far louder than any words he could ever say.

#heartsteel #heartsteel headcanons #heartsteel x reader #reader insert #heartsteel fluff #headcanon #heartsteel aphelios #heartsteel ezreal #heartsteel kayn #heartsteel k'sante #heartsteel sett #heartsteel yone #I finally got this one done!#This was one of my OG WIPs

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sabrgirl · 1 year

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Salaam, can you give some advices to someone who plans to put hijab on, to be honest I'm scared that I might fail..

wa alaikum salaam <3 of course! Masha’Allah for your intentions, may Allah reward you for it and make it easy for you to go through with your plans, Ameen

the fear of failing is normal but there are a few things you can do to prevent that from happening:

you need to have a reason to wear it why do you want to? having a goal without a reason as to why you truly want to achieve it makes it easier to fall back. your reasons give you more strength, determination and a desire to achieve your goal. for me, i have two main reasons when people ask me 'why do you wear/want to wear the hijab?'. the first one is because Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ has asked me to. i know a lot of the time many muslim women wait for 'the right time' to wear it but the reality is that you could die in one hour. you could die tomorrow. maybe in 5 years. maybe in 2. i watched this video once where this lady was describing how for a man's janazah, he is wrapped in 3 cloths but a woman is wrapped in 5 because Allah wants her to be covered and modest even in death, where her body shape and hair still isn't even showing. subhanallah. you do not want your first day of hijab to be when you are dead and on the day of judgement. that genuinely gives me shivers. the truth is, there is no 'right time'. Allah didn't ask us to wear it when we're married, when we're older, when we finish working, finish studying, finish whatever plans we have. He asked us as women to wear it, period. and even if we do wait for that 'right time,' the fact that we still do not know how much time we have left is still prevalent as if you die a few years later, what if most of your life was hijabless? only Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ can decide whether your hijabi years were enough to be forgiven or completely rewarded for it, may He forgive us all for our sins, Ameen. the second reason, (fears aside, lol) is because my hijab is my form of empowerment. it is me saying to the world that i am choosing who to show my beauty to. it is me saying that i am valuable, i am precious and only if you can do xyz for me and sign this contract to declare that you will, only then can you see my beauty. it is me saying that i have the power to control who has access to me, the true me, and it puts my boundaries in place that i am not ordinary, but i am special, so not everyone can see my true beauty. and it makes me really proud to have that empowerment and to be given that honour by Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ so what is your reason? it could be the same reasons (like wearing it because Allah said so) and your own too. but these reasons will be at the forefront of your mind when you wear the hijab and it will help you to continue wearing it. you will say to yourself 'i am wearing it for/because _______' and that will be your drive. this reason will be more effective than just wearing it because you have to, because yes although you do have to, that is not enough to make you feel happy, successful, or like you really want to wear it. and in my opinion, you should really want to do something that Allah says to do. it's the same with many things, for eg - when you want to pray salah, you get better rewards, they are more effective, they are better salah in general. this reason will also help against temptations of today's world of why you should not wear it.

start slow hijab is not just covering of the hair but is also modest clothing too and jumping straight into abayas, jilbabs etc if you do not wear them already may feel very overwhelming and can lead to falling back on wearing it. start wearing your hijab and take it day by day, give yourself a time frame. eventually, this will become a habit and i am sure that once you get used to wearing it, taking it off will feel strange. while doing this, start dressing more modestly, maybe with the loose clothing that you have already to continue getting used to it. your own loose clothes will help you feel comfortable and will not feel like such a drastic change, like immediately wearing a jilbab might feel. the more comfortable you feel, the better your success in wearing hijab consistently will be. over time, you will begin to start wanting more hijabi-friendly outfits, like long skirts maybe etc and as you start to feel more comfortable, you will want to become more modest with your hijab and change your wardrobe and start shopping for more hijab colours etc. you will begin to feel happy, comfortable and truly strive for the sake of Allah. and Allah will reward you for your efforts.

do not lose hope it can be very hard in this day and age with social media and the people around us to wear the hijab but you need to believe in yourself. Allah believes in you that is why you are a muslim woman. your intention to wear it has not come from anywhere, He is guiding you towards Him. pray to Him that He makes it easy for you, that He enables you to wear it and guides you closer to Himself and helps you succeed. start wearing it and on the days where you struggle, remind yourself that this life is temporary and a greater reward is waiting for you, for us all Insha’Allah and the pain and struggle of this world will all be forgotten about. He knows your heart and sees the struggle and will reward you for your patience and for striving for His sake. May Allah make it easy for you, Ameen.

#i pray this helps !#ask #islam #muslim #hijab #hijabi #modesty #ramadan #ramadan mubarak #ramadan 2023 #muslims #abaya #hijab girl #islamic #allah #quran #ramadan kareem

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vaehbae · 7 months

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Peace. Quiet. Calm.

Ezra Bridger could only have dreamed of such things during his time as both an orphan, and during his time in the Rebellion. He may have experienced some of it while isolated on Peridea, but this was something he preferred more.

The view of Lothal's capital city was something that literally came from a dream. He remembered first seeing it vividly alongside the spirits of his late parents during the night he learned of their deaths. However, the dream became a reality.

The galaxy was indeed shaken following Thrawn's return, but over the past few months, the tactical genius was no match for the stubborn will of New Republic military officials, and the famous Heroes of Endor, whom with joined hands of the Heroes of Lothal, turned the tables and put Imperial Remnants to route once again.

Regardless if there was nothing safe or sacred, it was a much deserved moment of relief Ezra wished he had earned earlier. For all the strife, fighting, and death that had to resume over the desire of totalitarian madmen who wanted to reclaim control over the galaxy and restart their ideas of suffering, the best thing he could do was live for all the good people that were lost. And for a very important reason...

He had been entranced by the shining and bustling beauty of the previously envisioned city when Sabine Wren -- his wife joined his side on the balcony. In her arms, the artistically destructive Mandalorian held a still bundle in her arms. Their ninetine month old daughter, Mira Wren-Bridger.

"Everytime I see you come out here, it's like you're always distracted by something that isn't even calling your name." She quipped. Sabine sure knew how to deliver sassy remarks, even after her life changed through marriage and motherhood.

"It's a good sight to go to sleep to." Ezra replied innocently, giving off a small chuckle when he felt his longtime best friend elbow him on the side.

"Well, I don't blame ya. I remember you mentioned seeing this after realizing what happened to your parents."

In the past, Ezra would have felt a tang of pain hit his heart about such a cruel and unfair reminder, no matter the wording, but he knew he was no longer the only one to have lost family after Sabine vented to him about her Clan getting slaughtered on Mandalore.

"It's not just that anymore."

Sabine looked over at him with a questioning gaze at his comment, making sure she still maintained a fair grip on little Mira in her arms, and so that the baby would not be awaken and make a fuss.

"We've made it happen, Sabine. All of us. I know deep down, my mom and dad would've been proud to see this. Right now, however, I just don't think I could ever thank you guys enough for helping to achieve this."

"As a Mandalorian, I don't take even the smallest of promises lightly. And as much as it's exhausting to bring up... you were counting on me at the same time."

That phrase had become very synonymous with Ezra's faith in his longtime best friend, and he already knew that when she brought him home, her promise had been fulfilled. There was truly no better person than Sabine that he could ask to ensure such things were sought through to the end, and he would never have it any other way.

"And you've kept your promise, Sabine. Thank you." He told her, turning his head to meet her gaze as his lips curled up to a warm smile. That smile was shared as they kissed briefly, before finally retiring inside their tower for a good night's rest.

Ezra was still unsure what new challenges awaited him for the future, but with Sabine by his side, he felt more at ease and ready to face them head on.

It felt like I just had ASMR cleanse over my brain cells reading this. It was so nice and welcoming oh my goodness. All the stress of the final episode just washed over me with this beauty!

Thank you for submitting! Genuine, It's the perfect amount of everything but not too overwhelming and so freaking cute!

#ezra bridger #sabine wren #ahsoka series #star wars rebels #sabezra #ezrabine #ask fic #fanfic share #fanfic #shipping #rebels sabine #ezra x sabine #calm vibes #relaxing #beautful #writting share

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lizlet · 4 months

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2023, in bullet points

I find myself consumed by an assortment of random thoughts, as we reach the end of the year, and as the sun aims downward for one last sunset, I'm going to try sharing them... in the form of bullet points!

In January of 2023, I got to interview John Darnielle of The Mountain Goats, because he guest-starred on an episode of Poker Face and one of the cool things about working for a publication that's largely focused on music is that all I had to do to get his reps' info was ask a colleague. It was a good, fun interview, and he gave me his direct phone number in case I needed to ask him any follow-ups, and I actually did have something I needed to clarify. So I called him a second time, and during that second call, I told him the thing that I'd held back during that first interview, because I'm always on the fence about how much to say to people about how much I love their work: I told him how much I love the song "This Year," how I blast it every New Year's Eve and scream along in triumph, because it's so much easier to sing "I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me" on December 31st. I don't have a transcript of that second call, but I remember he took the compliment with practiced grace, saying something along the lines of "Thank you for saying that, because it means I know I did at least one thing with my time on this earth that helps people."

That's often what I think about, when measuring my accomplishments for the year — what are the things I did that made the world a slightly better place, on a big or large level?

I know I wrote a lot. Wrote stuff I was very proud of and wrote stuff I was less proud of, but sometimes that's what happens. Got into a good groove with Wren Graves at Consequence, who became my default editor early in the year and has proven to be annoyingly good at noticing when a piece could be better and pointing that out. It's good to have an editor who is a lovely and generous person and who also knows your flaws (like, for example, the fact that I maybe repeat words a little too often; if Wren were editing this, he'd send me back this paragraph with the word "good" in bold three times, and he would be right to do so).

Did a lot of interviews, even with the double strike shutting down a lot of opportunities, and checked a few people off the ol' bucket list. (I don't know why John Cho has eluded me for years, but achievement unlocked, thanks to The Afterparty Season 2.) It is still a bit baffling to the awkward-ass adolescent who lurks inside me that a significant part of my job is talking to famous people, and that I may be pretty good at it. (Sorry Wren.)

Hit my second anniversary at Consequence, an outlet that lets me get weird when the occasion calls for it and always offers up new challenges. (Got a couple of big challenges already in the works for January, which I'm doing my best not to think about until January 2nd.) It's a small but mighty team, and I'm happy to be working with them all.

Got elected to the position of secretary on the Television Critics Association board, which has also presented a wild new array of challenges, but the other board members are great and Winter Press Tour is on! ::knocks on any available wood nearby::

I tried as much as possible to be a person who says yes to things, especially if they might lead to wild new experiences. Saw more friends and more theater and live comedy than I have in years past, which makes me happy. (Especially when I can combine the friends WITH the theater and live comedy.)

Also got to spend a good amount of time with my family, who are cool people that I just genuinely enjoy spending time with. Even went on a gosh-darned vacation with them, to Ireland and Scotland, which was overall pretty magical. It's funny how when you're a kid, going on a bus trip to look at pretty scenery sounds very boring, and yet when you're an adult, that's just a really wonderful time.

Continued two streaks of approximately equal length: sobriety and daily usage of Duo Lingo. Both have been rewarding in their own unique ways.

Thanks in part to Duo Lingo, I learned how to type é and ü characters on a keyboard, which isn't a huge deal necessarily, but I have been typing on computers for nearly the entire span of my life (started around three or four years old) and so learning a new trick, after all this time, was pretty exciting. You go around thinking you know everything there is to know, and then you learn a new thing, and it makes you excited to find out what else there is to learn.

That's the energy I try to bring to every year, even a year like 2023, which on a global level was undeniably pretty garbage, especially the way it set the stage for 2024 being potentially worse. I donate money to big and small causes and take public transit whenever I can and only spend time on Elon Musk's Twitter when it's absolutely essential (someone has posted a link to an adorable cat video). I know I could be doing more. I hope I'm doing enough, and try to exceed "enough" when I can.

I had to take a break from writing this just now because I'm in the middle of my second-favorite New Year's Eve tradition: Doing laundry, so that when I get home after a casual hang tonight, I can curl up in my nice clean sheets and wake up like a big toasty cinnamon bun. Best way to start a new year, in my opinion.

While handling laundry, I've been watching The O.C., and it feels like a true portent of good things that my rewatch has brought me to the New Year's Eve episode, even though this means the arrival of Oliver, who I recall being Bad News.

Still, this reminds me to mention that the book I can't stop recommending to people right now is Ben McKenzie's Easy Money, a surprisingly fun read that left me almost feeling like I understand crypto (and definitely makes me think I understand the grotesque human cost of it).

That last bullet point also strongly indicates that I should try to read more books in 2024.

I'm writing this, like I write pretty much everything, in Evernote, and out of laziness I'm going to post it to Tumblr because that should be relatively easy, but I do want to write more personal stuff in the new year, and might look into setting up a new blog or (non-Substack) newsletter for such a purpose.

But I'm also continuing to work on novels — 500 words or so a day, every day I can, until it starts to add up to something. I've developed a lot of daily practices over the last two and a half years: I journal every morning, go running every other day, write my 500 words in the evenings after logging off work, and keep my Wordle and Duo Lingo streaks alive, amongst other things. And they all contribute to me feeling saner and stronger than I remember feeling during the worst periods of my life to date. Worse days may be coming. But I'm glad to be starting the new year with... well, with clean sheets, at the very least.

And before I go out for the night, I may jump around the apartment and sing.

Auld Lang Syne, bitches. Good luck to us all in 2024.

#in which our heroine #happy new year

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dearweirdme · 8 months

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Jungkook's solo is releasing in 3 days and the atmosphere on twitter has become so damn toxic. Instead of talking about 3D people are comparing tae and jk's promos. Shippers are leaving their "ships" and esp leaving jk. Why? Is it because he got better promotions acc to them? Tae's promotional activity was mainly centred around sk and Japan. But he got to do so much there. His promo schedule has been my fav of all the members so far. Those dumb solos feeling sorry for him, can't they see how happy he's been through it all? Why do you want him to go to some mild US talkshow when he went to the ones he loves? Is promotion only acceptable when it's done in the US? Stop feeling sorry for him. He's very happy with what he's achieved, unlike those who see negativity in even the most wholesome things.

Then there are those shippers who expect tae or jk to behave a certain way. They want tkk to make each other's life completely about their partners. Jk's only sm account is on Tiktok, which nowadays looks more like a pr account. How should he have promoted tae's album there? And even if he did post that mandatory screenshot of layover, like the others, what would that have proven? Tae has literally been talking all this time about how jk helped him. If they were "broken up", would he have felt comfortable talking about him given that the break up was recent since they were pretty close till July end?

3D was announced only 3 days ago and instead of being happy for jk, people are choosing to be vile and ignorant. If they are that quick to jump ships, then good riddance. They weren't doing any good staying anyways.

Also, if anyone wants to stay sane, leave twitter for a few days, that place has become more toxic than a nuclear dump rn

Hi @likeoldlove!

There's a reason why I don't visit twitter much 🙈.

Fandom is a tough place to be in at times, especcially shipper fandom. There's so many different kinds of fans around. There are those that are in it for fun, there are those that are in it for the excitement, some just like the mystery of looking for clues, some just seek connection with the fandom, but a lot also just genuinely care for the guys. I understand the concern some have about Tae, and that mostly comes from an urge to protect him I think. I feel that urge too at times, only concerning different topics. The hard part of being a connected fan is that we know so little in general, so It's easy to be mistaken.

Fans can leave over this if they want, I think a lot of them will actually return real soon when something "Tkkry" happens. And, though they might feel some sort of support by us being here, I think for Tae and Jk Tkkrs aren't that big a part of their actual lives. They don't really need us here.

I loved Tae's promo as well. I think he felt very comfortable and happy through all of it. I hope he looks back at it a proud man. The hast is due to limited time I think. Jk's new single will be followed by Jimin's doc, which will be followed by Jk's album also... and after that well.. we might just not have much time left with them.

#taekook #fandom shenanigans

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allisonlol · 2 years

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hey aliceee babyyy!

first things first, let me congrats you on achieving your 2k followers! as a fan and a friend, I'm genuinely proud of your accomplishment! my girl, all of your posts are top-tier content and you deserve each one of your followers!! 💞🖤

now, let me introduce myself for your match-up:

starting with my appearance, I have mid-long wavy hair that is naturally red, greenish-brown eyes, freckles, birthmarks, and (unfortunately) some s/h scars throughout my body. my height is something around 5'1 and 5'2 (1m58/1m60) and my body is an average hourglass. my style is dark academia, and I appreciate adding a lot of its aspects to my daily life.

my mbti type is intj, my enneagram is 5w4 (like yours) and I'm that typical introverted girl who loves staying inside surrounded by her books and blankets. I'm a calm and patient person (not that much) and my friends usually describe me as someone intelligent and considerate. and well, regardless of being soft and affectionate, I hate clinginess. like, I definitely can deal with clingy friends or s/o's, but I tend to go to the ones who understand my desire for personal space and whose love language isn't physical touch, but quality time.

however, I don't have that many friends, and, since I'm a quiet and cold person (mainly with strangers), people end up thinking of me as someone arrogant and go away. I'm also annoyingly ironic, especially during arguments. (and I'm kinda manipulative too, but we don't take about it 🤫).

talking about my hobbies, they are playing the piano/accordion, drawing, painting, reading and playing games like cards and chess. I love sunny days, classical music, tea, vintage stuff, and studying things like history, philosophy, and society itself. but I also hate crowded places, loud noises, and cold weather.

that's all, I guess.

desired fandom: BSD

NSFW? of course-

꧁♥ ᴍᴀᴛᴄʜᴍᴀᴋɪɴɢ ɪɴ ᴘʀᴏɢʀᴇss… ♥꧂

i match you with . . . fyodor dostoevsky!

ok ok, i'm not just doing that bc u are a super mega simp for him!! it genuinely MAKES SENSE. i also had poe in mind, but the whole thing about hating clinginess and being a tad bit manipulative (me too girl) made me change it. anyway, shall we begin?

Relationship:

first of all, can i just say what an aesthetic couple you two are??

while fyodor tends to move around a lot for work purposes, you both illegally own an old-victorian style house on the outskirts of yokohama where you frequently stay

since both of you prefer to stay home rather than go out often, it's there that most of your time is spent together

^doing things like playing the piano / cello together, chess & card games (where you test your near equal intelligence against the other), and listening to classical music

outings are not nonexistent, tho! on sunny days, you'll convince fyodor to join you on walks through yokohama where you'll visit antique shops or bookstores

often scholarly conversations about history, sociology, and the psychology of humans <3

you and fyodor share an office, where you often work in a comfortable silence. the two of you share the kind of relationship where simply being in the other's presence is calming, and not many words are needed

fyodor tends to neglect his personal needs in favor of working, so you make sure to bring him tea and small trays of food every now and then

arguments are VERY rare, since you both are very logical and straightforward with your words (to each other, at least). it's unlikely you would ever misunderstand due to your similarities and deep understanding

although not being the most inclined to physical affections, fyodor frequently likes to give you head pats, kisses on the cheek, and snuggle together in bed while reading (especially on cold days)

and yes, you were able to convince him to read to you a few times. his voice and accent are so lovely and v calming to fall asleep to <3

NSFW

sex is not the most often occurrence due to your busy schedules, but when it does happen, DAMN does it leave you satisfied until the next time

with you, fyodor is a very intense person in bed

he adores your figure and every part of your body. insists that you look more ethereal than the most infamous portraits of goddesses in the past <3

the significant height and size difference between the two of you is definitely something that comes into play. sensing a sliiiight size kink in the way he likes to hold you down and make you feel powerless

degrading, but praises you at the same time. things like "you're such a pretty whore for me" and "what an obedient slut you are"

sex tires him out easily due to his "weaker constitution" so one good round is probably all you'll get at one time

favors positions like mating press so he can both hold you down and get to watch all the pretty expressions on ur face. makes fun of you for it too >:((

ALWAYS doms, but it you want him in the palm of your hand just give him head and tease him <33 will darkly glare down at you whilst also shaking and struggling to maintain his composure

oh also. breathy whimpers when he's close...that's all i have to say <3

#2k matchup event #maby !#fyodor x reader #fyodor smut #fyodor x you

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klonoadreams · 1 year

Note

Wait

As far as I can understand, public opinion is something important in Galar, they have sponsors for gym leaders and they are treated like celebrities, so how does the public see the members of the polydex?

I understand that Raihan should be loved like, I don't know Ryan Reynolds (for some reason I think they have a similar personality) and Leon is his undefeated champion for 10 years, but Brie is wild, Piers seems like someone not to approach and because of his mother one could have an erroneous preconceived opinion of Gordie, and Sonia, could be slightly recognized for her career in pokemon battles but besides that it would be for her friendship with other leaders (and more than friendship) and her family connection with Professor Magnolia not much more is known about her, it could be said that she's a pokemon researcher but I don't think those are jobs that people care about very much.

Is this important too in Paldea?

Gordie is an exceptionally popular man who gets fanmail and gifts. He might have to deal with his Mama, but he is genuinely loved by Galar. Which is cute, because like his Mama, he is also on the heavy side

YOU ARE LOVED. Absolutely lovely.

Piers has his fans that are especially supportive (though it's not enough for his town just yet). And Sonia is fine, if sometimes feeling a bit overshadowed, but she has her fans, mostly because of what things that people were able to see during her time as a Trainer. Like, she thinks she's nothing special, but some her battle records are often played, because she really stuck out strongly and while she never went farther than what she's done, she still should be proud of her achievements.

Brie started off rather roughly on her own Journey, since she lost often, and like, her very first public appearance, alongside the rest of the newcomers (you know that cutscene of your character taking their first step into the stadium, with people watching), she tripped and fell flat on her face. And that...pretty much got eyes on her, since she is ALSO Opal's adoptive granddaughter.

They don't really know much about her background, since Opal and Chairman Rose are doing their damn best that it STAYS like that. No one needs to know that this is the wild child of the Glimwood Tangle - that's the one thing that only a select few people know.

Brie's effectively a mystery, until events happen and rumor come out, and then all attention is on her. Honestly, it's that same attention that is what drew Bede towards her.

And effectively made Bede each out to her and Opal, like...he's a bratty kid in my head. He latched onto one of their legs and refused to let go. Say hello to your little brother, Brie!!

Anyways Brie's effectively viewed with a lot of positivity (public opinion favors her highly, the only ones talking shit about her are those jealous and *cough*SwordwardShieldbert*cough*), as someone who lost a lot, but still has the tenacity and drive to keep trying anyways. :V

Brie might've passed on the title to Bede, but Bede is always ready to hand it back to her, should she ever feel like it. :V

by the by, should definitely be mentioned, as a result of Brie's existence here, whatever happens in Sword and Shield goes a LOT more differently, including Chairman Rose. Honestly, I think what I want best is the reconciliation between Rose and Peony, because at the very least, I think they should be on speaking terms.

After all, despite being often compared to Rose, Peony still has his attachment to him, from the fact that he still has the very first Pokemon that they caught together. :V

That's enough spoilers on that end for me. (this is also me confirming that, while it was never intentional, I realized it'd be VERY weird if things didn't change in the future, because hey, this is different now and would be very STRANGE to keep going as if things are still in the game)

Anyways I don't think this is as important in Paldea, since their battles aren't as broadcasted as Galar. Not to mention, you need endorsements to go on the Gym Challenge in Galar, so there's a heavy emphasis on sports for this like it's Soccer/Football.

It's like...not as high of a career, and isn't as difficult to juggle multiple jobs. Like Nessa has some difficulty on her end, while Tulip has no issues at all, whatsoever, despite the two having similarities in their careers outside of being a Gym Leader.

Katy can juggle it well, though she REALLY wants to go full-out in Pokemon battling instead of being a warm up of sorts, like Milo in Galar (though even Milo feels bad about defeating Trainers if he manages to be stronger than them - otherwise, he's very HAPPY to help them grow stronger).

Larry is a complete outlier here, considering he is a Gym Leader, an Elite Four Member, and a Salaryman that works for the POkemon League (if I remember reading that correctly, idk, but his entire career REVOLVES around the Pokemon League). Geeta gets on his ass, yes, but Larry ALSO KEEPS WORKING OVERTIME.

Not to mention, he's mainly situated by the entrance into Area Zero. My dude is competent, but he is also tired from various stressors (one of which he inflicts on himself with the voluntary overtime). Geeta's just part of it, but god damn, man, take it easy on yourself too, before you HAVE to get put on MANDATORY vacation.

Grusha is mainly a Gym Leader, but he's doing okay - most of his struggles stem from the issues he has with the end of his snowboarding career. Which is fair. :V

Of course, that doesn't make any of them less popular, but it's definitely a "you have to be there to see it" sort of thing with most gym leaders. Which is why so many of the locals are ready to cheer Larry on.

Scarnoa has her own fans too, but they're certainly nothing to compare with Brie's die-hard fans after she struggled so much with her Gym Challenge. Scarnoa is more of a "oh shit, do we finally have another champion in the making????"

but she is still loved. Brie's just got fans with massive soft spots for the child that kept rematching Kabu until she FINALLY won, albeit, rather scuffed because her Wimpod traded out (Wimp Out) with an Eiscue of hers that wasn't registered for the battle and while she DID get scolded for it, the timing of it allowed the battle to continue without any disqualifications...

and she won. Sure got some criticism for it (main from a pair of brothers), but eventually, everyone just "accept the win - you still won!!" and best of all, she made it past the biggest hurdle that most Trainers usually give up at. So keep at it.

anyways sorry for the late response, I KEPT FORGETTING TO ANSWER THIS DX

#ask #mmyrve #pokemon #pokemon swsh #pokemon scarlet and violet #gym leaders #raihan's polydex #also ran (fanfic)#no manches (fanfic)#brie (oc)#scarnoa (oc)#my inbox is open y'all #i'm mainly on a scarnoa spree #but sorry for taking so long to reply to this ask

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missysippiiiee · 10 months

Text

Knowing what you know today and the paths you took, would you change any of your choices? What advice would you give to your 10 year ago self?

The 10 year ago me would have been 18 years old, and I wouldn't have done anything differently. I am who I am today and have the most genuine people in my life because of the choices I had made.

The advice I would give is to be a bit less giving to a few people who were exploitive and a bit two faced.

Despite that, everything was a learning experience. I have certainly had my challenges but now I have a very good support system of love and care from my friends and family when I most need it.

Additionally, I would congratulate my now 28 year old self for pushing through and pursuing the things that I am passionate about. I would tell myself to be proud of my accomplishments (no matter how big or small) and for being present when it mattered — even if it was one of the hardest things to do.

Rui, raising you will always be one of my greatest achievements ♥️

#would you?#do over #no regrets #gratitude #advice #reminiscing #mindfulness #questions for tumblr

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atsumuahh · 3 years

Text

“ SECRET LOVER ” dreamwastaken

characters !

dreamwastaken, wilbur’s twin!reader, technoblade, philza, tommyinnit, wilbur soot, karl, sapnap, georgenotfound, drista, tubbo.

summary !

when reader chooses the dsmp high everything seems to be great, but things gets complicated when her brand new crush turns out to be her oldest brother’s rival. it gets even more complicated when he asks her out.

warnings !

swear words, usage of dream’s real name

notes !

dream as a football team captain rent free in my head... and i’m also sorry that it took me so long to write… its almost 3k words and not proofread!

taglist !

@wilczachannn

it was easy to assume that you had been in your brothers’ shadows. techno, wilbur and tommy were talented, football players with great, great achievements. the only thing you wanted was a big change in your life, so when you graduated from the middle school and it came up to making a big decision on choosing high school, you chose the dsmp high – school located an hour away from your house.

you remember your first day at school. the day started awfully. tommy woke you up with a loud yell at – as you rightly guessed – wilbur, who stole his phone and texted to his crush. it turned out that you had twenty minutes left to get ready and leave for bus and not be late. well... you were late on the bus, but thankfully your dad promised he’ll drop you off at school.

phil couldn’t be more proud of you. for real, he knew how hard it was for you to choose different school from techno, wilbur and tommy (everyone know he’ll go after his brothers). you were miserable through your whole middle school, because no one ever noticed you as your own person, only as wilbur’s twin sister, techno’s younger sibling or the only sister of tommy. it cause you to slowly losing yourself and becoming a female version of your brothers. so when you spoke to him about the idea of the dsmp high, he couldn’t get happier.

fortunately, dad dropped you off fifteen minutes before your first period started. wandering around the new school, looking for people you had classes with. you looked at your phone and accidentally bumped into a tall, dirty blonde guy with painted nails and purple sweater.

“oh no- i’m so sorry!” he spoke kind of afraid he might hurt you. “you alright?” a worried ask left his mouth as he put a hand on your shoulder.

it turned out that his name is karl and you took same classes as him. well in fact the boy seemed to be pretty nice, chill and funny. you two were on your way to the biology class and jokes were in the air. you felt so delightful that you messaged wilbur and techno a small text saying you just made your first friend. as no one responded you hid your phone.

“don’t worry, bestie.” he beamed at you. “i’ll meet you with my other friends, if that’s okay. they’ll love you and you won’t have to worry about making ones!” karl whispered into your ear and you couldn’t hide a soft smile that formed on your face.

as he said, he did. it was your lunch pause so he led you to the cafeteria. the idea of sitting at the table with people you didn’t know was.. terrifying but at the same time, so exiting. you felt like your heart skipped a beat when a guy called dream showed up with his best friends george and sapnp.

he was so handsome that you couldn’t take your eyes off him. looking at him was just so pleasing that you were kinda mad that he was karl’s friend so you couldn’t really sigh over him. surprisingly, he turned out to be a nice guy as well. you expected dream to be a completely jerk and an arsehole, but well you started to feel like you’d fall for him.

well… you were right. you fell for clay so deeply that just being around him was… stressing you out. he always cared about you, through your whole freshman year he was so cute and it was hard not to fall.

sophomore year started in a very… unexpected way. you hadn’t seen your friends in weeks, because you have lived so far away, but it didn’t make your brand new friends group to fall apart. you wouldn’t be so surprised if they organized a meet after classes but… well it was a meet, but only with clay. in a shortcut – he took you on a date.

“i missed you so much, y/n/n” he smiled as he shyly took your hand and intertwined your fingers with his. a small, timid smile formed on your blushed face. “fuck… i like you, i have a huge ass crush on you, okay? i-i just don’t wanna mess up our friendship… so please tell me if you don’t feel same” clay spoke with shaking voice, not giving you a sight.

maybe it was the adrenaline that boosted you up, or your inner self just wanted to do it, but as his confession ended, your lips gentlt pressed his. clay was… well shocked is a good word, clay was shocked, but he pulled you in even closer and that’s how you ended up making out in the park.

you were thrilled to the gills and you almost told your brothers about clay. almost, because you heard techno’s talking about a match against the dsmp high. well it wouldn’t be such a big thing if you hadn’t heard dream, and well oh well. words weren’t too nice.

“hi… are you free?” you said softly, sitting on your bed. you were frightened – what if they don’t like each other? what if… wilbur and tommy also don’t like him? “you know techno, right? technoblade minecraft?” a quiet ask left your mouth as you sat under the tree in your yard.

“yes, unfortunately.” his response made you thought that you had annoyed him. “wait, why you’re asking? did he hurt you or something?” dream didn’t let you answer as he added i’m gon’ kill him under his breathe.

“noo, don’t worry” you clutched your head and sighed. “he’s… my brother, older brother, actually”. silence between you two were clearly killing you, but you couldn’t be one to break it. he had to say something.

“oh my fuck” you heard his shocked voice and chuckled in response. “it doesn’t matter. you’re the one i fell in love with, not he. i know you’re worried, but everything will be alright.”.

“i hope so” his laughter calmed you. “i’ll call you later so we can fall asleep on call okay? dinner’s ready”.

”it’s kinda forbidden love, isn’t it?” george laughed as he wrapped his arm around you with a cute smile. brown haired boy was waiting along with you at your whole friends’ group. “y’know… techno is your brother and also a rival of your boyfriend… it’s exciting”.

you almost gasped at his words. it felt so silly and people would probably find it meaningless, but you couldn’t hide a smile that appeared on your face. he didn’t say techno’s sister like everyone from the middle school would say, george said that he’s your brother.

“as long as i love her, nothing else really matters to me” clay’s voice was so sweet that you almost melted under it. he was right, there’s no reason to overthink – you love him and it’s the only thing that matters.

“yeah, you should definitely tell him that at the match on saturday.” oh my fucking god, a match. the elimination match between the dsmp high and the lmanburg high. you were completely between a rock and a hard place.

“fuck, i forgot about it.” wrapping his arms around your body, dream felt how stressed you began to get. he also felt when your body unwittingly started to shake. “he’ll hate me, so will wilbur and tommy.”

“aren’t they already hating you? like- you barely talk to them at home, so… what’s the problem?” sapnap asked shrugging. well, he was right – techno lost his interest in talking to you and unfortunately wilbur and tommy took their cue from him, and the only person you had talked to was your dad.

“you’re coming to our match, right?” karl asked with a nervous smile forming on his face. it was his first match ever on the team – you couldn’t not be there. “it doesn’t who will you cheer for, just be there, okay?”

“karl, of course i will be there” you smiled at him, trying to hide your increasing stress that almost made you pass out. “please win this, okay? it’d be too hard to look at your miserable faces.”

tommy had always been your favorite of them all. as a child he wouldn’t let you go and sometimes it was obviously burdensome, but you loved it. you loved how he cared and now you missed it. he wanted, but he couldn’t talk to you, techno and wilbur would be pissed if he did.

he wondered about telling you how well he made friends in high school along with tubbo. about all of the funny jokes he made. he just wanted to be a teenager that shares cool memories with his older sister, but for now his brothers were too proud to apologize.

“wil, are you sure we should do that?” he asked, uneasiness appearing on his pale face. he genuinely missed his big sister that always helped him with his homework, with choosing cool outfits to impress girls, helped him, when he argued with tubbo. “she looks so miserable. even dad is worried!”

“we have nothing to do with her miserableness. she left us first. now, she can go and fuck herself” wilbur had never acted lke that before, so surprised tommy just frowned at him and shook his head in hopelessness. something was off and he would like to know what. to repair it.

his stomach rambled and it was time for a snack. tommy was about to came in, but he heard a bit of a conversation between philza and his only daughter.

“yeah, they do kinda hate me” she shrugged, not letting her tears fall. “uhm… clay proposed that i could stay at his. you know, dad. until… they start talking to me again.” long sigh left her mouth as she clutched her head in hands, right before he noticed tears. tommy couldn’t do more, so he got back to his room not letting anyone in later that evening.

it’d be a lie if someone said that tommy wasn’t stressed out. his first game was in a few minutes and his sister was nowhere to be found. “she has better things to do, i disappointed her - i shouldn’t be so shocked.”

when he saw her, he felt relieved. she was there to support him in his first game in high school ever, but as he watched her, slowly drifting away, looking for someone different in the crowd of people, he was hurt.

“i can’t believe you really choose to avoid the affection from dream for today, because your brothers are here. you should fuck them three” sapnap laughed, looking over your shoulder at tommy. “two. he looks hurt as well as you.” you know he was, but he didn’t do anything because the pressure techno and wilbur put on him, was killing him inside.

“y/n you came!” karl cried out, running towards you and sapnap. he hugged you tight and smiled softly, giggling noiselessly. “did y/n’s brothers saw it? i was literally her ride.”

“excuse me, you did that on purpose?” george laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. you joined him, but you stopped when you saw tommy’s upset, frightened face. it wasn’t only karl’s first game – it was tommy’s as well.

“i gotta talk to him” you sighed exhausted of the whole drama around you and your brothers. or just around you, wilbur and techno. your little brother had nothing to do with it. “tommy, hi” you started a bit nervous, feeling the tension betweet you two. and firstly, you thought he will just go away, but you gasped as he hugged you tight.

“i missed you so much” he whispered so anyone could hear but you. soft smile showed up on his face, making it way more brighter. “thanks for coming here, i know it’s rought between you and wil. he’s kinda mad but everything will be fine, i know that.” you wrapped arms around his torso and smiled widely.

“you’ve got this, okay tommy?” you brushed his hair. in response you got a growl and loud laugh after. “if you win or if you lose, it doesn’t matter, because i will still love you, but i’ve gotta go back to my friends.” you beamed and left tommy as soon as you saw wilbur storming towards you.

me: can’t wait to see you on the field :)

you felt like melting, when dream looked at you with his happy, excited face. you were so proud of him – he was the captain of the school football team and it was known that he has a sport scholarship. despite your brothers’ presence, you planned to show clay some support and you painted a medium #21 on your black, denim jacket.

clay: can’t wait to see you on my bed, right next to the trophy i’ll get as a captain.

he hadn’t lie. you sat on his messy bed, in his messy bedroom, talking to his younger sister drista. she was adorably bewitching. she was a bit younger than tommy, but thankfully she wasn’t as loud as him. you laughed after hearing her awful joke.

“so… you’re living here by now?” she asked curiously, frowning. her eyes scanning your, now, blushed face, waiting on the answer. “please, i cannot stand his my-girlfriend-lives-so-far-and-i-can’t-sneak-into-her-room-and-kiss.” she rolled her eyes, but smile widely.

“oh, yeah.” you blushed even harder as she laughed at your already blushed face. “i’m just worried if he’s okay with us hiding, you know? i mean– he could be with someone else, someone… someone better.”

drista didn’t know what to say and you knew she didn’t have to. you were scared – because of your situation that had place in middle school – he will just leave your for someone better, someone prettier, smarter, cuter.

unfortunately for you, clay had heard your every single word. he coughed, letting drista know that she should go. girl smiled at you before leaving you two alone. him, standing in front of you with only his sweatpants on. “y/n” he started as he got closer.

“i- i- can not tell i know how you feel or how you should feel. and-and i genuinely do not care about anyone else but you. i love you, okay dumbass?” he sat as close as possible and beamed softly.

“you won’t replace me?” the whole thing between you and clay was terrifying you so much. is he lying about his feelings? is he really in love with you? or maybe you’re just a bet? you almost shook your head as the thoughts began to overwhelm you.

he wouldn’t do that. and if he would, some of his friends (yours as well) would kill him. you couldn’t be more happier at the moment. your boyfriend had just told you that he loves you for the very first time, you made amazing friends that would kill for you and vice versa, but there was one thing you had to fix. the relationship with techno and wilbur.

“i could never replace you, love”.

“you sure you wanna do it?” clay asked, gently rubbing your thigh with his thumb, sitting in the front seat of his car. you were about to tell your whole family that clay dream is your boyfriend. the guy your older brother claimed to hate. lots of fun, right?

you nodded unsure, getting out of the car. it was your first time seeing your brothers in over a month and – boy, oh boy – you were terrified. did they miss you? did they even notice you were gone? you wished they did. you weren’t even able to ring the doorbell, because tommy opened the door with a huge grin.

“i’ve been waiting for you.” he confessed, closing you in a tight hug. he let you off as soon as he noticed smiled dream standing right behind you. “and who are you, mister?” suspicious question left tommy’s mouth.

“i’m y/n’s boyfriend, clay” dream beamed at tommy as he let you in. shock finding their way onto his face was… quite hilarious. he mumbled something under his breathe, but you couldn’t catch it.

as soon as you got onto the dining room, you saw wilbur, techno and dad setting the table. tommy coughed, couldn’t hide his happiness. his sister is back and he can’t let her go ever again.

“hi…” you started, your voice getting shaky. “i wanted to explain some things and it’d be a pleasure if you would accept my new boyfriend, especially technoblade.” dream took your sweaty with nervousness hand to calm you. he knew it was tough for you, knowing that him and techno are rivals. “this is clay and i know you know him, and you’re not on the good terms, but please just… finally talk to me, because i miss both of you and i’d love to have either my brothers and boyfriend close as possible.” you finished glancing at techno and wilbur.

“y/n, i’m just sad you didn’t want to go to same school with me. you had never told me why, we were inseparable and everything changed within days.” wilbur was first to answer you. his dejected voice made you crying. you missed him, his voice, his advices, his presence around you. “everytime i woke up, you were already running on the bus and we didn’t have a chance to talk.”

“i- you- you’re right. i should’ve told you why did i choose the dsmp high. i did, because i began to lose myself, everyone saw me only as your sister and i started to think that i do not matter anymore. i had to change it and i had to show everyone that i’m not just yours and techno’s sister, but i’m my own persona.” wil stood up and got closer to you. your tears convinced him that you weren’t lying and he felt bad that he didn’t realize it sooner. “i’m so sorry”.

“no- no, i’m also sorry. i’m the one that should apologizing. you were just choosing your own path and i was mad at you, because of that. ‘m sorry y/n/n.” you smiled through tears and hugged him as tight as you only could.

“there’s no much drama between us” techno chuckled quietly, watching you and wilbur cuddling. “i already knew what’s going on between you two at the match. i just took wil’s side.” he shrugged and you laughed, shaking your head in disbelief. “well, it doesn’t mean i like you” he claimed glaring at your boyfriend. “i can tolerate you as long as you’ll treat y/n the best you can, otherwise i’ll kill you”.

“i agree and so does tommy” your twin added, looking dream dead in the eyes.

“maybe we’ll stop the death threats here and start eating?” your dad proposed with a cheerful smile. his kids were finally getting along again, he couldn’t be more proud or happier than at the moment.

“it went so well” you whispered delighted. you were snuggling with dream on your bed, some time after the dinner ended. phil suggested that he could stay for the night, so they can get to know him better.

tommy was thrilled to the bones about the fact that now, he has a new friend, older than him, and also a captain of the football team, so he could teach him how to play better. wil was… well wil. he made sure that dream didn’t have any wrong intentions and techno just couldn’t care less if you were happy with him. he even suggested that they should bury the hatchet and move on.

“i haven’t said that to anyone yet, but i love you” you said, almost skipping a bit when he held your head and gently kissed you.

“well, you already know that i’m head over heels in love with you. and it won’t ever change” he said and kissed you one more time.

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marvelouspeterparker · 3 years

Text

just little old me

pairing: harry styles x reader

summary: after releasing his second album, and the music video to his hit “watermelon sugar”, the response from his fans is overwhelmingly positive. and while you’re not surprised, harry on the other hand is very grateful, but just a little confused. but you’re more than happy to help clear some things up for him.

warnings: smut (hints of sub! and dom!harry––we love a switch) + unprotected sex but y’all know not to do that! be safe <3

word count: 3k

notes: this is my first ever harry fic! (also based on the summary u can see how long ago i started this sfjkdhgs) i’m so scared to post this i feel like all the harry writers are so talented––

[i’ve been reading harry fics for so long and these are just some of the blogs that you could say pushed my love for harry and inspired me to write a fic of my own: @majorharry @harryforvogue @adashofniallandasprinkleoflunacy @sunflowervolvimp3 @haroldloverboy @songbirdstyles if you haven’t read their stuff yet, you should! i reread them all the time!]

You and Harry had been friends for the longest time, since before he was the Harry Styles. You’d watched him grow up in the spotlight while you supported and loved him from the sidelines. He’d bring you everywhere with him when he could, or rather when you allowed him to––you didn’t like the idea of him spending his money on you, but he always waved you off, saying nothing was too much if it was for you.

You were so proud of what he’d achieved and what he’d become but he was still the same Harry you grew up with and you couldn’t be more grateful to have him in your life all this time.

While he rarely spent his time on social media, you spent a majority of your time checking your phone and refreshing your feeds––you just liked to be informed and up to date. Harry didn’t interact that frequently with his fans online, instead preferring the connection when you meet face to face. However, although he wouldn’t respond to people, he would often let you show him what people were saying––after all, he was human too and sometimes he would get a little curious.

You and Harry had been sitting on his couch for an hour now, him messaging Jeff to deal with work related things while you scrolled through twitter, looking at the fans reactions to Harry’s latest music video. It made you smile seeing how happy he made people, you’d seen several people had said that this was “exactly what we needed during this time” and honestly, you couldn’t agree more.

You scrolled down some more and genuinely laughed out loud at the next tweet you read. “I’d sell both my legs and arms just to be the watermelon slice between Harry’s teeth.”

You caught Harry’s attention and he looked over at you, raising a brow, a small smile on his lips. “What’s up?”

You settled down from your laughing fit and showed him the tweet and both his eyebrows raised.

He laughed sheepishly, “You know I really don’t get the ‘hype’”, he put the last word in air quotes. He was always trying to keep up with the latest “slang” as he would put it. He shrugged, a small smirk on his face “I’m just little old me.”

Though his face showed humor, after all the these years, you could tell from the look in his eyes that there was some truth behind his words.

You looked at him incredulously before rolling your eyes and putting your phone aside, unable to stop yourself from going off. “It’s because you’re so genuinely kindhearted, talented and incredibly attractive.” You said as a matter off factly, looking him right in the eye, before looking down at your hands and leaning further back into the couch. “And you have this aura about you––Literally anyone would get down on their knees for you if you asked––actually, no, you wouldn’t even have to ask. You could just look at them and they’d do it, no questions asked. They’d know what to do.”

You had no idea where the courage for you to say all that came from, but you have to admit something about seeing him biting into those watermelons and looking right in the camera three minutes straight while he sang about eating someone out put you on edge. You had been there for him through all his relationships and you loved having him as a friend...but being that close to Harry and not falling in love with him was practically impossible and you weren’t blind. I mean come on.

After a few moments had passed and he still hadn’t said anything, you looked up at him. He was sitting there, a serious look on his face as he stared you down, completely silent. He put his phone down on the table and leaned back, spreading his legs.

You quickly glanced down at his lap then back up to meet his eyes. “What––What are you doing?”

He looked you up and down. “Well according to you,” he tilted his head cheekily, “all I need to do is look at you, and you’ll know what to do.”

Your breath hitched, your brain malfunctioning.“I––You?” You shook your head, knowing that Harry wouldn’t be doing or saying anything if he didn’t mean it. You decided you’d ask questions later. After all, it’d been a while since you got with anybody and you were more than a little horny. You snapped out of your daze and made your way over to him, sliding down onto your knees right in front of him.

You pushed down the thought of how there were literally millions of other people who would kill to be in your position right now and focused on the task at hand. You looked up at him, silently asking for some direction but he shook his head slightly, “This is all you, love. You call the shots.”

You nodded to yourself, taking a deep breath as you calmed yourself down. “Can you take these off for me?” You asked, pulling on his shirt and his sweats.

He quickly got up and stripped himself of his shirt and his bottoms, but you stopped his hands before he could reach for his briefs. You cleared your throat, looking up at him, “I––I can do it.”

He smiled at you before dropping his hands at his sides, letting you do your thing.

You slowly brought the material down, letting his member spring free, trying not to stare too much because wow. You left a trail of soft kisses down his thighs as you pushed the underwear down his legs and you could feel him taking sharp breaths as you did so. He quickly stepped out of them and waited for you to tell him his next move.

You looked up at him, your eyes wide and innocently sinful and he swore he felt himself swell up a little more. Your voice was small yet firm when you spoke up. “Can you sit down for me, please?”

He eagerly took a seat and placed his hands on his thighs, his ringed fingers spread out, anxiously tapping against his legs. You grabbed his member and he let out a shaky breath, eyes flitting between your hands on him and your face––both views entrancing him.

“Is this okay, H?” You asked softly and he almost choked on his breath.

He nodded, “Y––Yeah, f’course it is lovie, shit.”

You hummed, smiling as you leaned forward and swirled your tongue around his tip. You left open mouthed kisses along his shaft and licked along his cock, from the base to the top before spitting on it, spreading it with you hand and getting it nice and wet. His fingers were digging into his thighs and you couldn’t help but notice.

You took your hand off of him and ignored the whine that escaped him as you did so. You took his hands in yours and placed them on your head, “You can.” You smiled gently and he nodded, his fingers grasping your strands firmly but not harsh enough to hurt you.

You put your mouth back on him, stroking him as you took him into your mouth, bobbing your head, relishing in the small whimpers and moans of your name he let out. You were completely focused on him, tuning into what made him react the loudest and doing it over and over again just to hear those pretty sounds again.

His fingers gripped your hair harder, his hips unwillingly bucking into you softly as he got closer. “M’gonna cum, love. Don’t––” He was mumbling, biting his lips as he looked down at you. When you sucked on his tip, looking him in the eyes, he cursed softly and let his head rest on the cushion, deciding it was too much to feel you and look at you if he wanted to last. “Don’t wanna cum just yet.”

You hummed and pulled off of him, your hand still stroking him. “No?” You pouted playfully. He could hear it in your voice and it only made him twitch in your hand.

“N––No.” He swallowed thickly and looked down at you, his eyes blown with lust. He reached down and pulled you up to stand between his legs. “Wanna make you feel good too.” You couldn’t help the smile that stretched across your face. “Not fair for me to be the only one getting what I want, is it?” He tilted his head, licking his lips as he looked up at you, his hands rubbing up and down the backs of your thighs teasingly.

When you didn’t respond, his hands squeezed you. “Asked you a question, lovie.”

You gasped lightly. “N––No it’s––not fair...”

He smirked, reaching for your shorts. “Let’s take these off, yeah?” You nodded and let out a small yeah, and only then did his fingers slip into the waistband and pull the material down your legs. You placed your hands on his shoulders while he helped you step out of your bottoms. He looked up at you, a glint in his eyes as he reached for your panties, again, only pulling them down after you gave your verbal consent. He kept his eyes trained on yours the whole time he slipped them down, and if anything that made you feel more vulnerable––more open.

When you stepped out of them, he trailed his hands up your thighs and along your hips before raising your shirt a bit. “Can you take this off for me?” You nodded and pulled the shirt over your head, letting it fall to the floor with the rest of your clothes as his hands splayed across your abdomen, his cold rings contrasting with the warm pressure of his fingertips.

His hands slid up, and he smiled when you let out a breathless please when he asked for permission to touch your newly exposed skin. His eyes finally trailed down past your eyes, widening with arousal when they settled on your soft skin, your pebbled nipples, straining for attention. He rubbed his thumbs over the numbs ever so lightly, looking back up at you when you sighed and arched your back, leaning further into his touch, almost as if he wanted to commit it to memory.

“Look at you, pet.” You whined softly at the nickname and the feeling of his hands on your skin. “So beautiful.” He grasped your breasts and now it was your turn to let out a shaky breath.

He let his hands slide back down to your waist and you pouted, making him furrow his brows playfully. “Hey, none of that now.” He brought a hand up to hold your jaw. “Just realized we haven’t even had a proper kiss yet and you had me down your throat.” You felt your cheeks heat up in embarrassment but his thumb caressed your cheek soothingly, sliding over to run over your lips gently. “C’mere.”

You stepped into his embrace and pressed your lips against his, your hands coming to hold the side of his face and play with his hair, making him moan into you. His hand stayed at your jaw, the other sliding down your body to grab your ass firmly. Your lips slotted together perfectly as you pulled away and reconnected them softly every few seconds, thoroughly enjoying each other. He licked into your mouth and quickly took control of the kiss, not that you had any complaints, sucking on your tongue and pulling you in closer. He bit your lip and pulled away, smiling when you subconsciously tried to get more of his lips.

His eyes trailed down to between your legs and they stayed there for a moment, distracted. “Gonna let me have a taste?” He licked his lips teasingly, looking back up at you. “I just wanna taste it.” He referenced his song, a small smile on his lips.

You rolled your eyes, a smile on your face as well. “Harry.”

“What?” He shrugged innocently. “M’just being honest.”

“You actually want to? You don’t have––”

“Been dying to, pet. You don’t know how long I’ve been aching to get my mouth on you.” He got down on his knees and the sight of him looking up at you from that position made your whole body shiver.

He placed his hands on your thighs. “What do you say? Gonna let me have my dessert?”

You nodded, letting out a small okay. When you tried to sit down where he had just been seated, he shook his head and stopped you, taking one hand and lifting your leg to place it on his shoulder. Your eyes widened, your mouth dropping open as he placed your hands in his hair to steady you.

He had the audacity to ask, “You good?”

You nodded, dazed. “Uh, yeah.”

“Good.” He smiled and with that he leaned forward and licked through your folds, immediately kissing your clit, holding you as your head tipped back in surprise.

“Shit, Harry––” Your fingers gripped his curls, pulling him into you as he moaned. Of course he was enjoying himself as he pleased you. His tongue was moving with purpose as he lapped up your wetness, spreading it around your clit. He really knew how to use his mouth.

You moaned loudly when he sucked on your clit, and even louder when he used the tip of his tongue to trace on it, realizing what he was spelling out–– H A R R Y. He grinned when he realized you caught on and his fingers were digging into you as he held you up, letting you desperately grind onto his face.

You looked down to make sure he was still okay with all of this, shocked to see him looking up at you, watching your reactions, clearly pleased. You cursed softly. “Feels really good, Harry. Fuck––”

He hummed blissfully, properly burying himself in you, his eyes stuck on your body as he brought you to the edge rather quickly. “Gonna cum in my mouth, baby?”

You whined, nodding your head as you held onto him for dear life. “M’so close.”

“Cum for me, pet. I want it.” He wrapped his lips around your clit and sucked hard, holding you upright as your body shivered and convulsed in his hands and on his tongue. He didn’t let up, fully making love to your clit with his tongue as he kissed your lower lips passionately, getting his light stubble wet. He was making a proper mess but neither of you cared.

When your legs stopped trembling, he pressed a kiss to your clit, then to the thigh over his shoulder before placing your leg back on the ground. He looked up at you, a smug grin on his face as you looked at him, breathless. He stood up, his hands finding their place on your hips and he licked the rest of your juices that were still on his lips, his chin still slick with your arousal.

“Care to clean me up, love?” He leaned closer. “Is your mess after all.”

You smirked before leaning in and licking up your wetness from his chin and up his lips before bringing him in for a messy, passionate kiss. Without disconnecting your lips your turned him around and pushed him onto the couch, taking your seat on his lap, his arms wrapping around you instinctively.

You wrapped your hand around his base, smiling down at him when he pulled away to whine. You lifted yourself up a bit and swiped him through the mess he made between your thighs. “Can I ride you, H?” You asked him, teasingly sweet.

He threw his head back, “Christ, y’can do whatever you want to me, love.”

You kissed his neck and slid him into you, and his fingers dug into you as he let out a long moan.

“God, you feel even better than I’d imagined.”

You tilted your head, starting to bounce and grind on him, “You’ve thought about this?”

“Of course I have. Have you seen yourself?” You were about to push further when he slid a hand down to rub at your clit, making you gasp and grind down on him harder.

“Oh fuck, H.”

He grinned, thrusting into you. “That feel good?”

You nodded. “So good.”

His hand was holding your hip as he bucked his hips into you. How he found your spot so quickly, you have no idea. You tilted your head back and he grabbed your neck gently, making your eyes widen as you looked down at him, noticing the dark look in his eyes as he watched you come undone on his cock.

When he noticed you getting close, he pulled you in to rest on him and your wrapped your arms around his shoulders, whimpering into his neck as he started to fuck you harder, his hips finding a smooth rhythm easily.

You kissed his skin, marking it up as you sat there and took everything he was giving you. He was still sensitive from before, but he didn’t want to finish before you did, again. “Come on, pet. Give it to me. Just one more so I can fill you up.”

You groaned, your lips grazing his skin as your legs started to tremble, your walls clenching around him, coaxing him to tip over the edge with you. Your body shook as you whimpered, your body tensing.

“That’s it, just like that.” He grunted, thrusting a few more times before he released inside of you, the both of you moaning together.

He wrapped his arms around you tight, holding you close as he thrusted slowly, making sure to empty himself out inside of you. You both sighed softly and you sat up. He looked up at you, pure adoration and awe in his eyes, his arms still holding you. You placed your hands on his shoulders.

“Hi.” You smiled sheepishly.

He smiled back, kissing you softly before pulling back to look at you again, his head resting against the couch. “Hi.”

You looked down, deciding to focus on his tattoos, suddenly nervous. “I’ve uh––sort of wanted to do that for a while.”

He unwound his arms to caress your back with his hands. “Mm me too.” He smiled when you looked up at him.

“I really like you, H.”

“Well I guess it’s a good thing that I like you too, then.” He squeezed you playfully. “Would you like to go out on a date this week?”

You smiled, leaning forward to kiss him again. “I’d love to.”

#harry styles #harry styles fic #harry styles imagine #harry styles smut #harry styles x reader #sub!harry styles #dom!harry styles #sub!harry styles x reader #dom!harry styles x reader #harry styles oneshot #dom!harry styles smut #sub!harry styles smut #watermelon sugar #lol

1K notes · View notes

willowedwisteria · 2 years

Note

i know that i should be saying this to pink but after what shes been through i ought to give her some space since shes got a busy life but like-

so i decided to uh look for her source of inspo which is you-

can we talk about the many achievements she did during her time in tumblr like how she singlehandedly manage to revive the cookie run fandom with her SACRK AU

how she manage to get popular writers look at her genshin works on her previous account

how she made fanart and submitted them to you despite her artstyle not being on the anime side which the hate anons like to shit on

how her quotev story breaks the norms of the genshin quotev cliche stories by getting your villain darling au to quotev cause she wasnt comfortable writing a long story on tumblr

and dont forget her latest work of having her only pokemon post at the top of the pokemon x reader page that one time

and of course her biggest achievement...

her sending you the ask that birthed the villain au when she was an anon.

like i said, i know i should be saying this to pink, but given her posts about how she was not going to write anymore HERE due to feeling like a 9-5 worker and the hate anons shes been having months and even on her previous blogs, i was surprised that despite all that, she still hadnt given up on writing completely. and i thought, wow, wisteria mustve have motivated pink that much despite being younger than her.

but this also should be a lesson to everyone else >:(((

you shouldnt treat writers like they're just workers in a retail shop! they're writers that have a passion on making imaginations come true! not only that, they have lives outside of tumblr.

if they say they're going to delay/go on a hiatus/etc, be understanding! dont demand for more content when they got 100+ asks in their inbox! dont rush them when some of them have school and college to deal with!

thank you for coming to my ted talk and im sorry for clogging your inbox

-long time lurker anon am sorry

Oh my gosh, I genuinely cried reading this.

@byulla-ponk <3

I have a few things I wanted to say about each paragraph.

1. I'm glad you're thinking about her space and probably the ridiculous amounts of asks that are in her inbox. I'm grateful to people like you and I'm sure there are many out there who feel the same way.

2. I'm very happy and even proud of Byu-byu's (Pink's) achievements. She was very aware of what she was writing, she knew when to stop the moment CRK started getting involved with NFTs. Reviving the CRK fandom in Tumblr isn't an easy task and I'm so happy about her getting the attention she deserves.

3. Normally, as a writer myself, I don't actually read much. The fact that other writers actually read Pink's works is an amazing feat on its own, not to mention that I wouldn't be surprised if someone mentioned that they were inspired by Pink.

4. I was always happy to receive fanart and I personally have no right to judge someone's art style because I don't draw myself and I have no idea how to. Plus, every artist has their own style. Even if it isn't too appealing to the eye, everyone can still appreciate art.

5. I was definitely surprised to find out that someone went all the way to quotev and STILL CREDITED AND MENTIONED THAT THEY WERE INSPIRED BY ME. It wouldn't a shocker to me if anyone just took my ideas without crediting me at all, especially on another website.

6. Having your works at the top of a page is certainly remarkable. I know this might sound weird coming from someone who is younger than Pink, but I knew she had potential and, with practice, she could be an amazing writer.

7. Her biggest achievement, her sending me the ask that lead to the creation of what's now the most, if not, one of the most popular AUs in the SAGAU genshin plot hole. It might have been ultimately a misinterpretation on my side, but it was a blessing in disguise.

8. I understand and I'm extremely grateful for Pink's sake that there are anons and fans out there caring for her wellbeing. According to Pink, she's currently focusing on real-life things. I was surprised about her not giving up, but I would totally understand if she decided to go on a hiatus due to the unreasonable hate being thrown at her.

As a fellow writer and Pink's inspiration, I feel like I should look out for her and understand the pressure she might be going through. My encouragement can't compare to how resilient she has been facing against hate anons.

MASSIVE NOTE: If I give you motivation, that doesn't sum up to a reason why you shouldn't quit doing a specific action if you genuinely are tired of it or you just don't like it. Just because I might be your main source of joy and inspiration, that does not mean you shouldn't quit writing when I offer you encouragement IF WRITING IS TAKING A TOLL ON YOUR MENTAL HEALTH, WELL BEING, AND ENERGY.

In my humble opinion, treat writers as human. Some writers will always have this feeling that they should always write out whatever someone had requested to them. Please be considerate about what kind of updates they've been giving, their rules and regulations, your attitude towards the writers, and their mental health.

Thank you anon for sending this ask to me.

-Wisteria

#Wisteriachats

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hes-writer · 3 years

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Confessions: A ‘Favourite’ Extra

Summary: beatrice graduates and dad!harry is not invited

Warnings: angst!

Word Count: 3305 words

A/N: this is part of the ‘Favourite’ universe :D this scene takes place sometime between the first and second part! please read them before reading this.

Part One | Part Two

_____

Graduation.

Through Beatrice’s 18-years of living, she did not think that the celebration of liberation would be so sour. The day started off like any normal day. That is, except, she did not have to deliberately avoid the areas of the house that her dad, Harry, was in. It was strange that she had to feel uncomfortable in her own home.

For this special event, Beatrice had initially bought only three tickets for Ruby, Caleb and her mum, Y/N. Her dad had a packed schedule of promoting his newest album anyway so Beatrice thought that it wouldn’t even matter. She didn’t think he would want to come anyway. If Beatrice knew anything about her father is that he never really cared much about what went on in her life.

Beatrice supposes that it was okay. She had a whole lifetime to get used to it. A full lifestyle living on the edge because she didn’t know when her dad would clap-back with an insult for no reason. However, it didn’t mean that the spike in pain hurt any less. Don’t get her wrong; she was grateful for Y/N being around and involved. But Beatrice sometimes wondered how it would feel like to be wrapped in a fatherly embrace or be guided with wisdom and courage.

She really couldn’t remember the last time Harry did anything that made Beatrice feel like his daughter. Aside from the family photos they took on during the holidays or when celebrating whatever work achievement he managed to snag--that was the only time where Beatrice would feel Harry’s hand resting on her shoulder.

___

“Can I get one?” Ruby asked, tugging on the coloured strings of Beatrice’s cap. Her small body was being held by her older sister while Y/N took photos of the three siblings.

“Caleb, put your phone away please,” Y/N requested, shaking her head at the way the young boy groaned. Nonetheless, he followed the instruction.

"You’re lucky I love you or I would not have shown up,” Caleb grumbled, offering a sweet smile afterwards to suggest that he was joking. The three siblings posed for the camera, Beatrice trying hard not to let Ruby tilt her square cap.

Between a plastered smile, Beatrice replied, “Probably why dad isn’t here,”

Caleb widened his eyes significantly. Though, it seemed conspicuous to Y/N who was busy figuring out how to brighten the screen.

“That’s not true, sissy. He’s just busy,”

Beatrice chuckled, shrugging off the comforting hand of her younger brother, “Always busy but never when one of you have something going on,”

“It’s just a coincidence,”

“Yeah, sure,”

Caleb frowned at her response, focusing her attention on Ruby’s babbles. He almost spilled the surprise that their dad was going to watch Beatrice cross the stage. Caleb knew how his sisters felt about Harry and he hoped that his appearance would help patch things up between them.

Caleb walked over to Y/N, “Are you sure that Dad’s coming?”

Y/N nodded, “Yes, he said he’s looking for parking now,”

Caleb bit his lip nervously, “Do you think she’ll be surprised?”

——

“Graduate with honours, Beatrice Y/LN,”

Applause filled the venue as Beatrice walked up the steep steps of the stage. A shy smile was placed on her lips when she caught sight of the projector screen showcasing her achievements for her senior year.

In the audience, both Harry and Y/N were confused as to why Beatrice used her mother's name to be announced. The cinch in Y/N’s brow smoothed out when the principal continued speaking. Harry, however, couldn’t help the questioning frown.

“Top Chemistry. Top Biology. Overall Best Science Student. Gold Volunteer Badge. Level 4 Music Theory. Beatrice has been excelling both academically and musically while serving the community,”

Beatrice squinted at the bright lights, placing her diploma and speech on the podium. She had never been good at public speaking. However, her announced name gave Beatrice newfound confidence. It’s just her. All her achievements wouldn’t be credited to her father just because he was Harry Styles.

“Hi, uh,” She cleared her throat, “I’m Beatrice Y/LN and I’m very honoured to be standing in front of you today,”

Her speech was short and to the point; thanking her fellow classmates even though there were very few to thank personally. There were a few jokes in between and some nostalgic memories about various school events throughout the year. Beatrice mentioned remarks to her teachers who helped her achieve high grades. Lastly, she thanked her family for supporting her

“I’d like to thank my family. My brother, Caleb. My sister, Ruby and my Mum. You guys have been so wonderful to me and I hope that I made you proud,”

Y/N was tearing up with a hand clasped over her mouth. She could not believe that her oldest daughter was off to university in a few weeks. Beatrice’s work ethic was unmatched and it showed in her getting the recognition that she deserved.

There was a pregnant pause before applause filled the space again. Despite switching her name last minute, everyone in her school knew that Beatrice was a Styles kid. They were probably waiting for her to mention him in her speech. But Beatrice felt no need to mention the man that had done nothing for her. He wasn’t even here.

“Thank you and congratulations, everyone!”

Harry slumped lower in his seat. He could feel Y/N’s worried eyes and Caleb’s observant gaze inspecting his face.

____

Beatrice stood beside her family, watching Harry a few metres away who was currently busy attending to the fans that recognized him. Even with his graying hair, many parents greeted him with a reminiscing statement about how they ‘saw him in concert back in the day’, to which he would chuckle at and proceed to converse for a few minutes until their child--Beatrice’s age--tugged them away.

All that Beatrice wanted to do was to get home and interact with her online friends. She had mentioned that she was graduating today and they were all very proud of her. Beatrice would rather take the peace and quiet of her own room than a bustling party.

“You’re invited,” Emma, a popular girl, stated while handing her a piece of paper with all the details of the party. Beatrice mumbled a hushed ‘thanks’, despite knowing that she wouldn’t even attend it in the first place.

“Are you going, Tris?” Y/N asked, holding Ruby’s hand so the youngest child would not get lost in the crowd.

Beatrice shook her head ‘no’, explaining that there was no point.

“I don’t know anyone there anyway,”

She was kind of a loner, but Beatrice was happier by herself anyways. “Besides, I don’t think dad will agree. It’s way past curfew,”

Y/N nodded in understanding. The curfew set for their eldest child was at nine in the evening. Y/N was sure that Harry would be lenient to let Beatrice go; it was her graduation after all. Sooner or later, Beatrice would be leaving for university.

____

Beatrice should be grateful. She should be happy, yet somehow those emotions were non-existent to her brain right now. She should be smiling, eyes brimming with tears because her dad actually cared to throw a party for her. But all she could feel right now was a pure disappointment and agonizing anger because Beatrice knows that he was trying to make up for years of mistreatment.

At this moment, the rowdiness of the party only proved that Harry really did not know anything about Beatrice. She did not know over half the people here, aside from the few relatives they see during the holidays; her grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. The rest were recognizable from Harry’s industry. Beatrice swore she saw Lizzo sipping a cup of liquor in their kitchen.

Aside from the initial greeting of ‘congratulations’, paired with the large banister taped on the foyer of the house, this party wasn’t much of a celebration based on Beatrice’s milestone in life. If anything, it looked like a regular get together for celebrities and industry people. Frankly, she had no interest in interacting with them. As rude as it may sound, the swirling turmoil of emotions beginning from her stomach made Beatrice push past the packed crowd with a tight-lipped smile in order to get to her room.

She felt like she couldn’t breathe, especially knowing that these people in her house absolutely adored Harry. They saw him as a family man, loved and appreciated by his kids. It wasn’t a complete lie, per se. Beatrice just didn’t have much experience to confirm that he was, in fact, a lovable and caring person.

If she had to put a finger on it, Beatrice was feeling utter disgust. She was disgusted because Harry was the perfect person in their eyes when everything he had shown her was that she was someone that didn’t deserve any of his attention. It felt like this was a celebration of her dad’s façade--he was not actually proud of her. He was just making it seem like he is so he wouldn’t be perceived as the dead-beat dad.

A knock at her door sounded. It was almost as if Beatrice could sense her dad’s presence without turning around to look at who just entered the privacy of her room.

“Tris?” Harry whispered, hesitating on mumbling the nickname. He had never done it willingly before, much less not as bitter as the previous times.

Beatrice swore that she could practically see the venom slithering on his tongue every time he said her name. But maybe that was just her skewed perception.

The chair that she was sitting on creaked as she shifted her weight, leaning her elbows on her desk.

“Why did you even throw a party, dad?”

It was merely a genuine question that held so many underlying meanings. Why now? Why not earlier when there was still hope to fix whatever sort of broken and fucked up relationship they had with each other?

Harry fully stepped into the room, observing the walls decorated with art and artists whom he recognized were his friends. He didn’t realize that she was a fan of Florence Pugh.

He cleared his throat with a fist to his mouth, “I wanted to celebrate your graduation,”

Beatrice internally rolled her eyes, “Did you really? Because you haven’t been there when I needed your help with my homework or assignments or anything. Now, suddenly you want to act like you were a big part of how I achieved my accomplishments?”

It was a sour realization. It was accurate that Harry refused to help her with schoolwork. He swore that he was busy looking over new options for his upcoming projects. Retrospectively, he might have subconsciously spewed out excuses so that he wouldn’t be able to help his dear daughter.

Beatrice sighed, flattening the balls of her palms against the edge of the sleek wood, pushing the rolling wheels of the chair back. She stood up.

“Just admit it. You threw the party because you felt guilty and you think that somehow, everything will magically be okay between us?” Beatrice shot him a questioning look, chest-puffing when Harry’s lack of words confirmed her theory.

Beatrice propped her feet in the middle of her room, twisting her body so that her back was facing away from the closed-door; from him. She breathed heavily through her nose, lungs rising up and down as she gathered her thoughts.

Unbelievable.

Harry stood with his arms by his sides, staring at his daughter with curious compassion. He did not know what to say, nor did he know how to act because he didn’t take the time to get to know her. He didn’t spend time with Beatrice; nurturing, caring, calming or comforting her because he simply couldn't get over the fact that she was once a person that caused calamity in his life.

“Tris,” Her dad spoke, earning a pinch of her facial expression from the familiarity of the nickname. Yet, it was unfamiliar because Harry used it mundanely.

Beatrice cut him off, “I’ll be leaving for university in a few weeks. You can quit pretending like you care. You say this graduation party is for me but I don’t even know most of the people here!”

The volume of her voice reached a threshold that should warn both of them to keep quiet. However, Beatrice knew that with the hustle and bustle of the celebration going on downstairs—no one would hear her honesty except for her and Harry.

Harry blinked twice, mouth dropping slightly agape. Why did he throw this party? He knew his intentions; he was proud of his daughter. He wanted to show her off to everyone he knew about how intelligent and well-rounded Beatrice was.

The girl continued speaking as if reading Harry’s train of thought.

“This is for you,” She spoke bitterly as if her tongue was left with an odd taste in her mouth. “Showing off a ‘trophy’ daughter who graduated with honours but that doesn’t matter, does it? Nothing I ever do will match what you’ve done.”

The accompanying laugh—albeit, sarcastic— left Harry confused.

“What? No, this is for you. I’m proud of you,” Harry quickly disagreed with Beatrice, gesturing his large hands in a wave to emphasize his words.

She turned around with gentle disbelief; her features were hardened yet Beatrice’s eyes gleamed with hope. She wanted so badly to believe her dad, but his lack of attentiveness to her led Beatrice to roll her eyes at him instead.

“Cut the crap, Dad,”

“Language,” Harry added, pursing his lips when Beatrice scoffed.

“I can’t believe this,” Beatrice muttered, she stared at the ground as if picking out the words to say.

As bad as it sounded, she wanted to hurt her dad the way he did to her. Years of being treated like an unwanted child slowly built up inside of her and Beatrice wanted the pain to end.

“You wanted to be everything so bad that you forgot to be my Dad,”

“I am your dad, Tris,” Harry watched as she walked over to her desk. Fingers cascading the glass picture frame which held a still of their family.

“Don’t you think I know that?” Beatrice turned around, throwing the edged frame on her bed in a fit of anger.

Harry’s brows shot up to his forehead, watching his daughter’s eyes well up with tears.

“You are my dad but you’ve never been one to me! Why is that? Huh?” Beatrice pressed, crossing her arms and digging her fingernails on the skin of her bicep.

“I’m sorry that I took those opportunities away from you. You got movie deals, You had an album coming out. Tours, shows, money—you had everything and I ruined it, didn’t I? As you said, it would’ve been better if I wasn’t born,”

Harry was no stranger to not interrupting someone when they spoke. However, he couldn’t let Beatrice believe the words she spoke.

“Don’t say that! That’s not true,” He stuttered over his words, heart-shattering under the weight of Beatrice’s truthfulness. Sure, he had everything, but it didn’t mean that he was satisfied.

“But you thought about it right? You wondered how different it would be if I wasn’t born at the wrong time. Maybe you would’ve loved me more—like you do Caleb and Ruby,” Beatrice smiled sadly.

She was glad that at least her siblings would not have to experience the searing pain of being unappreciated. They did not deserve to be seen through like a ghost.

“Maybe you would’ve paid more attention to me. Maybe you would have cared that I was hurting every time you showed me nothing but disdain,”

Beatrice used her forearm to wipe away the tears beginning to soak her reddened cheeks. She sighed, plopping down at the foot of her bed, watching Harry look at her with an unreadable emotion on his face.

“You know, It’s not my responsibility to ask why,” Beatrice whispered. Though, she wondered what would have happened if she did question her dad why he looked at her as if she was a burden in his life.

Beatrice’s monologue crescendoed as utter pain cracked her voice every now and then. Her figure slouching as she truly experienced what it was like to let go of the turmoiled affliction soaring through her body.

“I’m your child! You’re the one who’s supposed to be looking out for me. You’re the one who’s supposed to show me what love is supposed to feel like. I’ve always wondered how you’d react if I came home with a boyfriend like all the movies and books talk about. But, all you’ve shown and made me feel was my first heartbreak when you’re supposed to be the one nursing me from it,”

At that point, Harry could not remain the eye contact he shared with his daughter, gazing down at the floorboard in shame.

“You were supposed to scare guys off because I’m your eldest daughter. You’re supposed to protect me from everything that could hurt me, even when it’s irrational because that is what Dads do,”

That same bitter laugh that pierced Harry’s ears earlier echoed again.

“But I guess you never really wanted to become one to begin with. Or maybe just not with me.”

Harry took a few steps back. Her words figuratively churned and twisted his gut. He caught his balance on the doorknob that moved feverishly under his weight. Sure, he didn’t want to be her dad at first. And he had many chances to fix a strained relationship, but he never took them. So really, he had no shield at denying the truth. He was simply a father who failed to be the dad to Beatrice.

“I-I do! I want to be--if you'd let me,” He hated the way his voice became weary.

Despite their differences, Beatrice and Harry both mutually hated the way his tone pinched. The way he had to plead and beg for his daughter’s forgiveness when it seemed to be too late. This could have been avoided if Harry took the chance to become the dad that Beatrice deserved to have. The dad that her siblings--Caleb and Ruby--saw and spent time with while Beatrice watched behind, wondering why she was never treated the way they did.

“For years, I wondered what was wrong with me. I listened to the music that you liked. I asked mum what you enjoyed doing because you never talk to me. I wanted you to see me as a daughter instead of this--this invisible speck that you shrug off your shoulder every time I needed you!” Beatrice cried out, hugging herself for comfort.

The worst part was that she could see Harry’s legs buckle in hesitation to come closer to her or not. He shouldn’t even have to think to comfort his daughter, but he did.

“I wanted you to like me as if I even have to do that in the first place! You’re my dad, don’t you get it? Because I didn’t. I spent so much time being the perfect child in hopes of you giving me an ounce of your attention aside from the face you put on when I walked into the room. Why did you have to treat me this way, huh?”

Tears spilled from her forest-green eyes, identical to Harry’s glazed ones. His mouth parted in retaliation. As if he was plopped in quicksand, Harry had no idea how to defend himself.

“I know that you didn’t want me in the first place but--,” Beatrice sniffled, wiping the salty liquid to her damp temples, “I just wished you treated me like I wasn’t a burden to you,”

_____

#harry styles one shot #harry styles imagine #harry styles x reader #harry styles writing #harry styles angst #Harry styles fan fic #Harry styles fanfiction

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meichenxi · 2 years

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2021: what happened??

Because this year was shit for everyone, I'd like to focus on what I did achieve. Here, in no particular order, are some of the things that I did during 2021:

- Graduated from my bachelors in linguistics with a first

- Completed my dissertation on constructed languages, one of the first academic papers that has ever been published on conlangs, and a piece of original research working with over 25 conlangers that I'm very proud of

- Read substantially more fantasy and other fiction than the year before

- Successfully completed National Novel Writing Month and wrote 50,000 words of my first novel, bringing the total word count to just over 110,000 words written since June

- Spent over 2 months with my mother, which is the longest I've spent with her since I left home. Our relationship isn't perfect but it's much better than it used to be, and this time has been able to be healing for both of us now that my brother’s not here

- Lived in over 5 places and cities #sofasurferlife

- Reconnected with a friend who I haven't spoken to since first year of university, and now live with her!

- Applied and got into a master's degree in Descriptive Linguistics, to start in February

- Word of Honour, Couple of Mirrors, Nirvana In Fire 2, Meteor Garden, Hikaru no Go, random bits and pieces of other cdramas…

- Spend substantial time - often upwards of 3 hours a day - tutoring a family in English. I grew very close to them and help support the kids through difficult times and periods in their life, and feel that (hopefully) I have genuinely made a difference to them

- Made a lot of new friends online. You guys - and you know who you are - have made such a difference to my life this year

- Got a new cat!

- Started playing the flute again, as well as the tin whistle, and realised that Chinese has inexplicably helped my ability to play by ear. I don't understand how this works either, but back when I actually played the flute regularly in a concert band, I was absolutely hopeless at playing anything by ear. Now naturally everything else including my technique is worse since I haven't practiced in years, but my ability to play by ear is inexplicably 20000 times better. Who knows?!

- Before I enjoyed myself, improved my flexibility a huge amount! I can almost do a scorpion now :D

- Tried out CrossFit, which I really enjoyed, and will definitely go back to once the pandemic is over and it’s safe.

- Watched a lot of people fall into the river from my window. Very amusing.

- Stayed with my friend and his girlfriend for some time. It was lovely and me and said girlfriend are now incredibly close and once spent an evening washing clothes in the bath drunk by stamping on them and singing bad sea shanties and I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy

- Saved a hedgehog from being killed!

- Did some art again for the first time in years

- Went to a a pride, only my second one! (And made a fool of myself because all the kids there were so young and didn’t know wtf I was talking about)

- Had a wonderful Christmas with my family, which was especially remarkable because my brother was there, and we haven't enjoyed each each other's company since about 2007. But it was actually really nice and I'm hopefully our relationship can move on going forwards.

- (Also, my brother had a secret child!!!!!! Wtf!!!!!)

- Started learning German again

- Started learning Python

- Figured out a lot more about myself, which is not to be overlooked! Some of the things I learnt I won't go into, since this is a public space, but I know they will be incredibly useful for me going forwards.

- Had a few sobering wake up calls about health: my hands have gradually been more and more painful, and eventually I've had to look into other input methods, such as dictation software. That's what I'm using to write this post! It's difficult, and it's taking some time to get used to a very different type of writing, but I'm confident that with support I'll get there. Crucially, it means that my hands are far less fucked than they were before :D :D Which is good. And hopefully means I'll be able to write again, which I haven't been able to do since NaNo because they’ve been hurting so much. It also work for German and Chinese!

I haven't been keeping track of any hours spent on Chinese or other languages, so I'm not able to do a langblr roundup of everything I've achieved this year in terms of languages. To be honest, I could have done a lot more - but I'm just pleased that I continued learning at all in what turned out to be one of the worst years of my life.

Thank you everyone for your support! Seeing the interaction on some of my posts - and seeing what you guys got from it - has helped me get through.

What have you guys achieved during 2021, in terms of languages or otherwise? I'd love to hear!

- meichenxi out

#meichenxi manages #fuck 2021 all my homies hate 2021

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path-of-my-childhood · 3 years

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Aaron Dessner: @taylorswift's "Fearless (Taylor's version)" is out everywhere today. I was honored to play a part in helping Taylor reinterpret and reclaim her past. Thank you so much to @marenmorris and @keithurban for lending their incredible voices and @heyjonlow, @kaufyismynamo, @brycedessner, @strangeamerica, @kresnick and @kiyukiyukiyuki for joining us on the two "From The Vault" songs I produced with Taylor: "You All Over Me" and "We Were Happy". Hope you enjoy the entire record!! We had so much fun making these songs.

Max Bernstein: Yup, it’s completely unprecedented. Massive congratulations to @taylorswift on the first chapter of reclaiming her catalog. The idea of re-recording an album with enough accuracy and gusto to actually give people zero reason to listen to the original version was met with a lot of “is that even possible?” and it turns out it is. Something less unprecedented but still very uncommon = artists using their touring bands on records. Myself, @smalltown1, @mattbillingslea, @paul_sidoti, @amosjheller, @rowediddy, @danburnsmusic, and Taylor herself all sweated EVERY microscopic detail on this. The fact that it still sounds/feels/is inspired is an achievement, and I’m choosing to believe that her decision to use the road band vs. any collection of studio killers gave this album 1% extra je ne sais quoi. Thank you @taylorswift for trusting us with it. 💜

Amos Heller: It’s OUT. It’s HERE. The enormity of what Taylor has done/is doing is still dawning on me. It’s honest, precise, defiant, unprecedented. All things I’ve come to expect from her. Going back to this music was a time warp for me, as I’m sure it is for you. While I had my head buried in the minutiae of this music, I saw old friends and forgotten spaces, heard distant voices and remembered old jokes. I had never been a part of the release of a record like this, and I was just starting to realize what a unique thing I was a part of. I’m grateful and proud to be a part of this moment and the second chapter of this album’s life. Thanks @maxephronbernstein @mattbillingslea @paul_sidoti @smalltown1 @caitlinbird3651 @rowediddy for your care and attention. Thanks to the YOU for caring about this music. Thanks to @theworldisflatwound for the lessons as I learned your parts. Thanks to @taylorswift, who could have picked up the phone and had ANYONE play on this record, for trusting me with it.

Matt Billingslea: Today welcomes ‘Fearless (Taylor’s Version)’ to the world and I could not be more proud. I started playing for @taylorswift in 2013, a few years after the ‘Fearless’ era. It was such a treat for me to go back, revisit and dive deep on these songs - most of which I never got to play. What an opportunity: to get inside the writing, the production, the musicianship and to examine the elements that made it a history-making record. Then, to be a part of re-creating this thing! It felt daunting, exciting, ambitious, rewarding and genuine. A heartfelt congratulations and thank you to @taylorswift for having the guts to chase this project, the determination to see it through and the willingness to trust us with these songs. What a moment! Made that much sweeter by getting to share it with my band mates.

Paul Sidoti: When @taylorswift asked me to be a part of her re-record of “Fearless”, it brought back so many memories of what seemed like a lifetime ago. The music contained in this record exploded to all ends of the Earth and forever changed my life and many of my band mates’ who are also represented here. It was a rocket ride indeed. Getting to play these songs in the studio was like opening up a yearbook and fondly remembering the unbelievable times that were had during those couple years. Pure magic. I’m so thankful Taylor chose me to recreate that magic once again and to also do one of my favorite things which is play acoustic piano. Getting to play the ballad version of “Forever & Always” will go down as a personal highlight for me. Huge thanks to my band mates @mattbillingslea @maxephronbernstein @smalltown1 @amosjheller and @caitlinbird3651 and the team @rowediddy @skuncy @jonathanyudkin for their everything. Thanks to @davidfoster for the most humbling of props you have no idea what it means to this 15 yr old kid who learned to play piano listening to your records. Finally, thanks to the incomparable @taylorswift who continues to amaze me with her unbelievable talents after 14 years together. You’re the best.

#this is so sweet #The Agency #taylor's band #Aaron Dessner #taylor swift #about taylor #re-recording #Fearless album #matt billingslea #paul sidoti

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nohoney · 3 years

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what a lovely life i made

note: i really should be working on my wips but i felt compelled to quickly draw up this work after watching a few clips from euphoria and doing some reflecting on my own experiences which are lightly sprinkled into this piece. part of the story is actually sort of the alternate idea i had for my us series which i ultimately set aside for the plot i have for it now. i know we all love a drug dealer/drug addict! dabi with a helpless reader that watches him self destruct from the sidelines if not by his side. but this piece is a drug addict! reader with drug dealer! dabi with a lil side of keigo.

warnings: 18+, drug use, angst, smut, toxic relationships, gaslighting, codependence, emotional manipulation

summary:

In those spaces of time between the come down and your body sobering up, he connects with you and you reach for him with a firm grasp. He calls you pretty, kisses you deeper, and hugs you tighter and tells you that out of everyone he’s ever done this with, he enjoys your company the most. And you fell for him even more, kissed him and told him that you were his.

You cry even harder, the strain of living a double life catching up to you in this moment.

Arms encircle you and a gentle voice hushes you, “I know it’s hard dove, I know…”

It’s awkward to stand in front of a small crowd of people and lie to their faces all while you wear a contrite smile.

All eyes are on you as you speak your story to them, people with similar backgrounds like yours and the workers who assemble the function give you their attention as you stand at the podium at the front of the room. You were never the presentation type, always with a keep-your-head-down kind of attitude and only really bringing up the energy to be outgoing if you were in the right environment or if you were fueled by the right things to bring you out of your shell. Being outgoing was never really your thing but lying… you were good at lying.

Right now you recount your week, retell a small memory from the last year that makes a few nod their heads or hum in acknowledgement, and you remember to speak encouragingly to the crowd in front of you, “Every day is a struggle to get better but it’s a struggle I want to go through, and we’ll all pull through it together.”

They eat it up, they loved that last line as they clap for you.

You lied to their faces, you had to make it look genuine because you were in that room for a reason. Just needing to sit through this program, participate, and do what you must so you can get your paper signed.

Their applause does genuinely make you smile though, even if the feelings you told and the almost fake tears to elicit that reaction weren’t real. A little smile and a bow, you tell everyone thank you for listening to you and sit back in your seat. The next person takes the stand, someone recently added to the group; it’s a new person who’s just joining for the very first time. You can see how they twitch and shift uncomfortably, glancing up briefly to the crowd and they shakily announce their name.

Everyone says hello.

You don’t, just mouth the words to make it look like you did.

Your turn is over so now all you have to do is just sit and look as if you’re paying attention.

It’s almost over… and then you can get up and leave.

The hard part is over at least and now it’s just an easy cruise to the finish line.

The next half hour passes painfully slow but you made it, going towards a volunteer and sliding your paper towards them. They notate and sign for the current date, look up at you, smile and tell you that you’re doing a great job with yourself. It’s all words that you’ve heard before, constant repetition from the volunteers and your parents and your counselor. It’s important for progress to acknowledge all the little milestones you achieve, it helps push you forward in a good direction and onto the path that’s better for you in the long run. Every single day counts, every instance where you refuse temptations is something to be proud of, that one day you’ll forget the poison that you loved so much and be happy without it.

It’s easy for you to lie about it all.

You were good at lying about your secret before up until you accidentally screwed yourself in a fit of anger. You’re still good at lying but now you’ll have to be extra sneaky about it, especially having to take into account with these meetings that you have to attend to on the regular. It sucks that this has to be apart of your routine but you have to play the part if you want to be out of it.

“How long has it been for you?” someone asks you.

“Sixty days.” you answer.

The length of time matters here.

They hug you, a big smile coming onto their face and they squeeze you tight against their body. “Oh congratulations! Pretty soon you’ll make it to a hundred!”

Little did they know that you never made it past day five since returning back home.

A little pin is placed in your hand and even though you felt a little proud of yourself for lying so easily earlier, looking down at the small piece of metal suddenly makes you feel ill. Someone else deserves to be given this pin, not you. But you have to accept it if you’re going to continue the lie, swallow down the bile that wants to come up your throat and take it. You control the shake of your hands as you place the pin on your shirt, flashing it for just a few seconds before pulling your cardigan over it.

Just a few more minutes and you can rip the damn thing off.

Such a small thing on your chest and yet it feels like a hundred pound weight as you linger in the room and eventually file out with the rest of the group. You wave to fellow group members that you speak every so often to and walk in the direction of home. When you feel like there’s enough distance between you and the building, you take the pin off of your shirt and look down at it with a frown.

‘Congratulations! 60 Days Clean!’

A big fat fucking lie.

You almost want to chuck it over the bridge that you know is coming up on your route. And yet even though you don’t deserve to hold onto the pin, a small part of you wants to. So you shove it in your pocket, out of sight and out of mind as you walk your path. Maybe one day you’ll actually reach that milestone of sixty days clean but as of now you can barely make it past twenty. Some part of you wants to actually mean it when you want to reset everything but then you think of him and remember why you continue to lie at your group meetings.

Because being clean means that you don’t have a reason to see him anymore.

“Doll… you are so pretty.”

The first words he ever spoke to you.

At just the memory alone, you can feel the curl of his finger along your jaw and remember the smell of his cologne combined with cigarette smoke. The way he touched you so delicately and easily invaded your space, asking what a pretty girl was doing at such a nasty house party and what you were on. Your pupils were like dinner plates and just the softest touch against your skin had you purring, he knew what he was doing when he said those charming words to you and skimmed the tips of his fingers across your collarbone.

“What are you on right now?” he asked you, leaning even closer into your space and you feel like you can go swimming in his eyes. Shining sapphires that look down at amusement at you when you reached up to pet his dark and then dragged it down to tug on the collar of his shirt. He took your hand in his and pressed his lips to the back of your hand, simply holding it there as he waited patiently for your answer.

You were friends with molly that night.

And you made friends with Dabi that night too.

He had other things to do that night but he had slipped you a piece of paper with his number on it along with a little yellow pill with a happy face on it. It made you chuckle when you opened it, carefully tucking the piece of paper into your phone case for safe keeping and then popping the little pill to continue your roll.

As all over your mind was that night, your mind kept on going back to Dabi. Even with your friends who you cooed over and they cooed over you, even with the roaring bass of EDM music vibrating your body, even with the boy who took you into a back room and you rode on top of him until you dived off the cliff and came together with him, all your thoughts went back to Dabi. A handsome stranger that you barely had an hour’s worth of conversation with and yet he wouldn’t leave your mind alone.

It certainly helped that his molly was pretty fucking good and that you’d like to get another whenever you felt like rolling again.

It takes a day and a half to recover from the come down and you go to your health clinic to test and make sure that you didn’t catch anything from that boy you fucked while on your roll. And when you feel like you’re back to normal and your results come out clean from your physician, that’s when you hit Dabi up. You think that he gave you his number because you thought he had a personal interest in you.

Turns out he just saw you as another potential client for him and asked if you were interested in getting another tab of molly.

That should have been enough reason to turn away from him, you were lured in by the fantasy of him while you were on molly and were viewing him through that doped up lens when you met him at the party.

Yet you smiled and asked him, “What do you have that’s good?”

Oh did Dabi have quite the inventory for you to explore, it was almost all so overwhelming. And he did it all with his arm around your shoulder, the pads of his fingers pressing comfortably into your skin and you couldn’t help leaning towards him. It took a lot of effort to not just stare up at him the entire time as he asked you what you were interested in. He had a beautiful side profile, several piercings line the cartilage of his ear and you take notice of the studs on the right side of his nose. His arms are decorated in tattoos, his left looks to be a whole sleeve while his right is a collage of small and medium sized designs. It’s quite an eclectic collection of art he’s acquired on his body and you’re sure that you’re not the first girl to swoon over his body art.

He’s so fucking pretty.

And it’s Dabi’s ridiculously pretty face that had you coming back.

Not just the drugs, it’s Dabi.

You remember the first time you watched him cut lines of cocaine, watching curiously as he inhaled two lines and ran the edge of his credit card on the inside of his lip. He offered to make you a line and you remember how he had to stifle how smug he felt when you told him that you’d never done cocaine before; so you hadn’t lost your cocaine virginity and it would be up to Dabi to hold your hand. He thought how adorable you were how you eyed the line he cut for you, waiting patiently to work up the nerve to give it a try. After an hour of waiting, he was proud to say to you, “That’s my girl.”

Oh if you weren’t already enamored with him already, he had shot an arrow through your heart with just those three words. Did he know what he was doing to you, making you fall in love with him and his pretty pills and powders?

And he had noticed it, noticed how you sort of buckled a little when he said that to you. A playful smirk had come onto his face, eyeing you up and down before turning his attention to a little scale he had set out on the coffee table. He measured half a gram and puts it into a little plastic baggy, drops it in your hand and tells you that it’s on the house.

You’re hooked.

Not on the cocaine… actually, yes on the cocaine but really you were hooked on Dabi.

He was simply your dealer, your connect when you first started associating with him and yet even though your relationship in the beginning was purely transactional, it was the only thing that you looked forward to. You were obsessed with wanting to know more of him, buying grams or the occasional eightball and spending all nighters with friends to share the coke so that you could go back and buy another gram off of him. Your friends had no idea, they were just excited to get their noses powdered. Even when your nose gets plugged from inhaling too much of the fine white powder, hell it even fucking bleeds because you’re doing too much, you only think that you can’t let it go to waste.

Dabi wouldn’t waste his cocaine.

You’re not wasting Dabi’s cocaine.

“Geez, you’re becoming a little coke fiend aren’t ya?”

“Ehehe… well yours is too good, what can I say?”

You finally breached the line from client to friend when you stopped by and you brought him just a little tupperware of homemade cookies. A rather simple gesture but something in the way you offered them to him had touched something within him, he takes it and pops the lid off to reach for the first cookie on the top. It was your grandmother’s recipe that took you a while to really get the hang of perfecting and you feel so giddy when Dabi hums at the taste and tells you, “Damn doll, these are fucking good.”

More praise!

He asked you if you’d like to join him in his home not as a customer but as a guest.

Of course you said yes.

━━━━✧

You walk in the direction of your home, a slight breeze in the air as the day starts to draw to a close and the sun begins to set. The sun is behind you as you walk on the concrete sidewalk, casting long shadows that will eventually disappear behind the horizon and stars will litter the sky. For now you bask in the warmth of the sun and palette of the sky above you, tones of oranges and red and pinks that blend together so beautifully that you’re actually glad that to look at it with your own eyes.

It actually brings a smile to your face.

After a few blocks, you turn a corner and the buildings of downtown eventually become a residential neighborhood. There are families and individuals that do their daily walks with their babies or their pets, you give a polite smile and nod if you happen to walk on the same sidewalk as them. It’s a nice little neighborhood that you feel very fortunate to be residing in, though you’re not living all on your own.

Pushing your house key into the lock of your front door, the locks give way as you turn the key left to unlock it and let yourself in. You toe your shoes off and put them on the shoe rack at the very front, your shoes on the top row and the bottom row belonging to your roommate. You announce your name into your home and you’re greeted by your roommate and best friend. “I’m back Keigo.”

A head of blonde hair pops up from the couch and he smiles at you, watching as you round the couch to join him. “Welcome back dove, how did it go?”

“Went well, here ya go.”

You hand him your sheet to prove to him you went to your meeting and even present the pin to him— good thing you hadn’t decided to chuck it over the bridge like you had originally wanted.

It was easy to lie to a crowd of people that you don’t really care about but it hurts to lie to Keigo. He was your first friend when you moved into town, a shining personality that everyone was attracted to and yet you became his closest friend ever. You felt like you could tell him anything and he’d always hold your hand and tell you everything was going to be okay. Keigo was the only person you trusted your entire life with and yet you want to throw up as you blatantly lie to him as if he were another nobody like those people in your group.

But Keigo’s not a nobody.

He was the one that had started expressing concern over your growing addiction when a little bit of coke every once in a while started becoming every other day, he was the one who endured your spitting and flailing and restrained you when you were suffering from withdrawals, he was the one who’d have to deal with your come downs and care for you, he was the one who found your stash of pills and coke in the secret box hidden in your dresser when you swore that you didn’t have any on you.

He was the one that found you overdosing in your room.

Looking up at the ceiling and body unable to move, you were choking on your vomit and Keigo had rushed in and called emergency services when he had heard the unusual sounds of you dying coming from your room.

Your overdose put a very big dent in your relationship and it was already going through the wringer before because of Keigo’s dislike of Dabi.

As much as you loved Dabi, you couldn’t bear to lose Keigo so you were doing what you could to repair your relationship. It wouldn’t go back to what it used to be after what had happened, but you wanted to try to make it up to him.

Keigo didn’t like Dabi at all, not just because of the drugs you kept on going back for, but also because you knew that he was in love with you and Dabi had stolen your heart without ever trying.

He never said anything but you could see it in everything he did, the utmost devotion and care and love he has towards you. All of what he did was something straight out of a romance movie, what girls sigh and swoon over and would glare daggers at you for having. The way his eyes crinkled when he looked your way, the lingering touch of his hand on yours when you sat across the dinner table from one another, how he only cracks the biggest smile when he’s around you. Keigo had a lot of admirers that he could pick and choose from and yet he loves you instead.

He still loved you during your fits of rage, when you were unnecessarily snappy, when depression hit you so hard you could barely move, through all of it he loved you. You’d given him a lot of reasons to not have you in his life, the worst one was when you threatened him with broken mirror shard during a bad roll. He was really something to go through it all with you, always providing your safe space and giving a calm that no one else’s company has ever given you because in the end, he always held you and whispered tender words while you sobbed for forgiveness for being a cunt to him.

A big part of you knows that the obvious choice to choose for a good partner would be Keigo. He’s kind and funny and smart and handsome with a good future ahead of him, everything a girl dreams of for a boyfriend and potential husband. He already does so much for you, more than a best friend should, and the least you could do was love him back the same way he does for you.

And yet you just… don’t.

It breaks your heart a little bit because one part of you really wants to try to fall in love with Keigo, it just makes sense to.

But you can’t force love.

You do, however, force a smile on your face for him.

It feels horrible to lie to Keigo.

You don’t deserve the way his eyes shine at you and how he pulls you into his arms to hug you tight. You don’t deserve the congratulations he gives you and how he presses a kiss to the top of your head. You don’t deserve the little home cooked meal he had prepped ahead of time while you were out at your group meeting nor do you deserve his kindness and love.

I’m such a piece of shit.

You try to hold yourself together, you have to for Keigo’s sake because you don’t want to put a damper on his mood. He has an old polaroid camera that he likes to take pictures with, his strong arm pulls you to his side and he faces the lens towards the both of you. “Say cheese!”

Somehow you manage to crack a smile just right before the flash goes off.

The polaroid is printed and the picture of you and Keigo is filtered through completely. He takes a marker off of the nearby pen tray and writes on the bottom of it ’60 Days!’ before handing it to you. “A pin is nice but I feel like this would be a little more sentimental to hold onto. I’m so proud of you dove.” Keigo showers you with praise for keeping up your sobriety for so long and you almost want to scream at him. His accolades feel like cuts into your heart, not stab wounds, little lines that sting with just a bit of blood bubbling at the surface. Keigo is not just any person and yet you lie to him the same way you do to your group members, your counselor and to your friends. “You really have come a long way.”

In the safety of your room with music playing gently from the speakers of your television, you cry into your pillow with the polaroid and pin sitting on your bedside table.

In the storm of your mind, you blame Keigo. He’s your best friend and yet he has no clue that you were lying to his face. If he knew you so well, why hasn’t he caught you in your lies yet? If he’s your best friend, how come he hasn’t pieced it together the little string of lies you tell him and call you out on it? If Keigo loves you so much, shouldn’t he be keeping a better eye on you? He’s the one in charge of you since getting back from rehab and yet he has no clue that you came back with the intention of not staying clean.

And then you hate yourself.

There’s no reason for you to hate Keigo for problems that are all your own.

You should do the right thing and just fess up, come clean about not actually being clean and apologize to everyone. Apologize to the group members that you meet with regularly, apologize to your friends, apologize to your parents, but grovel for forgiveness to Keigo. He’s invested so much time and energy to you, saving your life and talked you into voluntarily checking yourself into rehab even though you didn’t want to and you blamed him for the two months you spent of your life in a blank white facility with group meetings and scare tactics. You were sorry about it now and yet there you were not too long ago blaming him in your mind when he deserved none of it.

It’s not his fault that you’re lying to everyone’s faces and his own including and it’s not his fault that you’re not staying clean.

Your phone lights up with a notification and a small chime echoes from your phone but not loud enough for it to be heard over the music.

There it is, your reason for not staying clean.

‘Miss you doll. Come see me tomorrow.’

Despite your guilt, despite the disgust you have towards yourself, you don’t ignore or block the text message. Instead you answer right away, a string in your heart that makes a small smile come to your face when its pulled whenever it comes to him. One minute you’re crying over yourself and the web of lies you weaved, the next you’re weakly smiling at your phone because he messaged you.

‘Yes Dabi.’

Guilt sets in again when you set your phone face down on the table.

You cry into your pillow again.

You cry for yourself and the lies you have to keep up, you cry for the pain you brought to your loved ones when word got out about your overdose, you cry for Keigo when he’s done nothing but care for you, you cry knowing you don’t deserve him, and you cry at your own pathetic little self for knowing that you can’t live this lie for very long and yet no part of you is strong enough to fight it.

You don’t want to give any of it up.

It calls to you.

Dabi calls to you.

And he has those lovely pills and white powder measured exactly on a scale waiting for you to take away this pain you want to escape.

The only way to love Dabi is to pop the pills and snort lines of coke with him and that love you have for him shines even stronger when the both of you are on a come down together, weakly nursing one another until you’re sober again. In those spaces of time between the come down and your body sobering up, he connects with you and you reach for him with a firm grasp. He calls you pretty, kisses you deeper, and hugs you tighter and tells you that out of everyone he’s ever done this with, he enjoys your company the most. And you fell for him even more, kissed him and told him that you were his.

You cry even harder, the strain of living a double life catching up to you in this moment.

Arms encircle you and a gentle voice hushes you, “I know it’s hard dove, I know…”

You hadn’t realized that you had started to cry louder than the music playing in your room, alerting Keigo as he quietly slipped through your bedroom door and joined you in your bed. The only thing he thought to do was just hold you and acknowledge your pain, which in a way you did need from him, but he thought the pain of your tears was from the struggle of staying clean when in fact it’s the exact opposite.

But he’s right when he says that it is hard, that much is true at least.

You turn in his arms so that you can cry into his chest, you know he doesn’t mind at all that your tears wet the fabric of the t-shirt he’s wearing. He just simply holds you close to him, his bangs tickle your cheek as he leans a little further down to nuzzle you. In the midst of your crying, you hear Keigo sniffle and hold back his own tears and your heart breaks even further in that moment. Your pain is Keigo’s pain as well and you hate yourself even more, cursing yourself internally that you should have just kept better control of yourself and kept your crying down to a minimum. It’s your fault that he’s crying for you and it’s for all the wrong reasons.

Keigo sleeps in your room with you that night with an iron grip that you don’t bother trying to move out of. And in the morning he kisses your forehead and tells you that it’s another day and that he’s proud of you.

You’re angry with yourself.

━━━━✧

Dabi was angry with you when you returned from rehab.

“Why the fuck did you do that?” Dabi angrily asked you as soon as you crossed the threshold of his home and the front door was shut. He had grabbed your shoulder and turned you sharply to face him, furious probably wouldn’t even have been the top word to describe him in that moment.

“Do what? What are you talking about?” you asked in confusion, having barely taken a few steps entering Dabi’s home and you wonder what you did to offend him so soon. “I don’t know what you mean?”

“That shit you pulled? Fuckin’ overdosing after what happened?”

He was the reason why you overdosed in the first place; you were upset with Dabi.

It really shouldn’t have been that big of a surprise to you that he went around and slept with other people. You knew that you were just two individuals that enjoyed each other’s company every so often and that was the extent of the relationship. You accepted that despite the affection you had for him, you weren’t going to expect him to settle down with just you. Yet knowing it and actually seeing Dabi with someone else was an entirely different story and it had sent you into a jealous frenzy that you knew you shouldn’t have felt in the first place. Because you knew that you could belong to Dabi but Dabi did not belong to you.

A really bad argument ensued and you left in a huff, slamming his front door and storming back to your home. In your anger and haste to forget about frustration, you hadn’t bothered to be careful with the amount of what you consumed inside your secret box of pills and powder. You overindulged and at first you thought you were fine, but when your body told you differently and suddenly you had no control of your motor functions you knew that you had fucked up.

“I didn’t tell them where I got all my shit from if that’s what you’re worried about.” you assured him with a frown. No one’s inventory was like Dabi’s and even if you left his house in a huff that day, it was too good to give up and burn a bridge over it out of spite. “No one knows that you’re my plug.”

“I’m not fucking talking about that. How the fuck could you fucking overdose on me?” Dabi asked you as if you had done it on purpose.

You let out a breath of disbelief, unbelieving of his words and let out an exasperated laugh. “Are you kidding me? You… You made me angry that day! I wanted to forget about our shitty fight because of what you did to me! The awful things you said to me!”

“I didn’t say anything that you shouldn’t have lost your shit over! You tried to hurt me, huh? Thought you could get back at me like that? You’re not allowed to fucking die on me, you understand? Especially not from the shit I’ve been so generous with you.” Dabi didn’t take any responsibility, just simply pointed his finger at you.

It was unbelievable how he worded and twisted what happened, making it seem like your overdose was a planned attempt to guilt Dabi. He was angry with you for doing something so stupid, arguing back and forth until he got fed up with you talking back and planted his hands on your shoulders and shook you. The dig of his fingers into your skin stung and you hissed from the pain, but you couldn’t yell at him because he scared you with his fury and the strength he had over you. You swear you could see blue flames in his eyes as he yelled at you. Yet it wasn’t just anger that took ahold of Dabi— he was extremely upset too. “You had me thinking I was about to lose you!”

It was Dabi’s fault that you became upset the day you overdosed and yet with those words he spoke to you, you were the one apologizing and crying for forgiveness. Because you heard him say that he didn’t want to be without you and your heart soared from it. Never ever did you think you would hear that kind of sentiment from Dabi and you really did start to believe it was your fault. That it was your own actions that made you act so stupidly and had nearly killed yourself, if only you had been more rational with him instead of going off of your emotions.

So you had cried in Dabi’s arms, hiccuping apologies and that you would never do it again. You went on and on about how scary it was to actually go through the experience of dying and actually come back from it. You were overwhelmed retelling your overdose to him and overwhelmed with emotions from Dabi’s words still. It imprinted in your heart, tattooed forever inside you and a sort of giddiness that you didn’t show in the moment but you would later smile about when you were by yourself.

Dabi had admitted that you weren’t just another random whore to him, that you meant something to him.

He held you in his arms after feeding you a small spoonful of a purple liquid that tasted a little fizzy but also like one of those jelly candies. “Have a little bit of lean… it’ll help you feel better.”

And you know why they called it lean, Dabi having to prop you up when you asked to go to the bathroom but needing his help to make it there. You felt good, forgetting about all the anger from before, you felt floaty and almost a little giggly as Dabi assisted you in using the restroom. It felt good to be on again, two months of sobriety was tough on you and more than anything when you returned home, you looked forward to being high again, to being drunk again, to being on again. “Dabi more…! More please!” you drunkenly asked.

“Nuh-uh not after the shit you pulled. ‘Sides… you can’t have too much anyway. Could easily OD on lean too.” Dabi went over the nuances of promethazine and codeine as he pulled you against him, speaking more for himself to fill the space of silence because you couldn’t. You had done most of the talking before but not in the state you were in after just a small spoonful of that fizzy purple liquid. You couldn’t tell if you were hit hard because the lean was that strong or if the two month of sobriety made it seem that way.

It didn’t really matter in the end.

You had finally gotten your fix.

Counselors and doctors alike told you your life would be more fulfilling leaving behind the substances, you didn’t believe them in the moment. That’s what they’re supposed to do, but it’s not like you didn’t know that already. But when your head swims in the warmest waters after taking a little pill and you can breathe beneath the surface while enjoying the sensations without suffocating, who would want to leave that behind. That when you take a valium when you’re mind is screaming, in your own head finally feels safe so you want to take another to ward off the demons. When the ecstasy finally hits, you feel more connected with anyone and everyone when you had never been a social butterfly.

You’ll just be careful to balance yourself so that you don’t tip the scales.

When the euphoria wore off, Dabi sent you with just half of an ambien so that you could sleep well that night. He determined that you were not allowed whole pills or grams anymore, he said he didn’t trust you anymore and now he’d either half or quarter he could of whatever you wanted to get from him. Dabi still made it evident that he was upset by your overdose as well, that you have no idea the anxiety he went through thinking about you away from him and wondering if you’d come back. “The fuckin’ amount of valium I took? The oxys I practically knocked back like candy waiting for you to come back? You had me worried over here, couldn’t think about anything else because of what you did.”

And you apologized once more.

You took the blame for it all.

A small price to pay to being reunited with Dabi.

And he held you differently ever since then, stroking your back as you leaned on him or putting his hand to your cheek as the pad of his thumb soothingly rubbed back and forth. This is the affection you had been wanting from him for so long, purring like the most content kitten in the world as you soaked it all in. He still called you pretty, still kissed you in the way you liked, and his hugs were lingering now but now he whispered endearing things into your ear that made your heart flutter even more for him.

He must know how enamored you are with him, it’s not a secret. That when the both of you feel like you’re swimming underwater after swallowing a nice little pill or are talking excitedly after snorting and gumming cocaine with numb lips, he must know how much you want him. You were ensnared by him so quickly and that he was like no other you had ever met, that if he were to leave you you were pretty sure that you’d die.

But like he had said before, you weren’t allowed to die on his watch.

You were back to being with Dabi.

Back to snorting lines but now they were made skinny for you; back to taking ecstasy but you were only allowed quarters; back to tabs of painkillers and hallucinogens but only allowed to take a third of it.

The downside to returning from rehab is that you couldn’t go to parties anymore and openly partake, you didn’t want word to get around that you weren’t serious about your sobriety. Not to friends, not to fellow group members, and certainly not back to Keigo.

Everything had to be done in secret.

You had to be extra careful now, you couldn’t be seen hanging around Dabi because everyone would instantly know that you were popping and snorting again.

So careful you were with your lies and the pills and powder, trying to find the balance of looking the part of a recovering drug addict but still indulging in your highs.

But your best highs weren’t from popping pills, at least not strictly.

The best highs were when you were with Dabi, flushed naked against him with his cock pounding into you while you scratched wherever you could reach on his body. You wonder if he could see the hearts in your eyes as he fucked himself into you, falling for him as he kissed you or held your jaw in his palm as he looked down at you. Does he know how in love you are with him?

Dabi loves when you’re desperate, whining and pleading, such endearing sentiments blended in with your filthy desires for him. I need you Dabi, I need you! I feel so incomplete without your cock in me, please fill me up! Dabi, Dabi I’ll be good for you, pretty please! Want your cum in me, want it want it want it!

You’re not even high when you beg all these things for him; just extremely needy and horny.

It’s best to fuck where Dabi lives but every once in a while, he’s snuck into your house when Keigo’s not home to fuck you in the comfort of your room. He teases you for never inviting him over, knows that Keigo doesn’t like him at all and entertains the notion of staying for dinner when your best friend arrives home from work. And you shake your head no because the last thing you want is for your best friend who’s in love with you to be face-to-face with the man that you’re in love with. The man in your life that’s rooting for you to be clean and the man in your life who’s the reason you’re not.

One day when Dabi snuck in through your back door while Keigo was working, Dabi had finished fucking you on the dining room table when his eyes look to the hallway. You were still begging for more, still clenching around him and whining for more cum to fill you up. The layout of the house is simple to navigate and Dabi’s been in each room except for one; Keigo’s room.

“Not Keigo’s room! Anywhere else but not there! Dabi!”

You were adamant first, tugging and pulling with all your might away from Keigo’s door but Dabi was stronger. He pushed you onto the hard wood floor once the door had shut and still you begged that he could fuck you anywhere else in whatever way he wanted but please not in Keigo’s room. Dabi spoke those charming words to you once more, coupled with the gentle touch of his hand and also taking advantage of your desperate and horny mind he was able to get you to comply with him and fuck on the bed.

Surrounded by Keigo’s scent but filled with Dabi’s cock, it’s a combination that made you feel so heady and was oddly comforting.

“Christ doll… you’re m’fucking pretty baby.”

His baby, you’re his baby and his doll and his only.

Your hands tugged on the roots of his dyed hair, inky black to cover up the white hair of his roots that makes you wonder why Dabi doesn’t grow it out. It’s a thought that’s pushed out of your mind when you’re being consumed by his touch, his words, his kisses, and his cock. And while Dabi was right there fucking your soul out of your body, when you turn your head and press your face into the pillow, the smell of Keigo fills your senses and it’s like his ghost is right there with you.

It was so wrong to get fucked in Keigo’s bed but Dabi made it feel right at the time.

Dabi had a power over you that no one else had, you’ve never looked to someone the way you did with him whether you were high or not. Never wanted someone so bad the way you wanted him and would give anything just so that you can hear him call you his. The only one to make you a puddle of a mess in between your legs with just his fingers alone and you’d become delirious with giddiness and happiness when those striking sapphires looked down at you.

“F-Fuck Dabi! S-So good, so good!” you mewled for him as you clutched the sheets of Keigo’s bed in your fists. The lewd sounds of how wet you are echo through the room every time Dabi’s hips pummeled against the back of your thighs. He had your ankles in his hands and spread open for him, everything put on display. “Love your cock! I love your cock!”

“Look so goddamn pretty takin’ my cock doll.” he chuckled to you as he set your legs on his shoulders and bent you in half. And then when he lowered himself down to you and fucked his cock into your pussy even harder, your eyes had rolled to the back of your head and you saw the universe right then and there.

You babbled on and on about Dabi’s cock and how it felt perfect inside of you and how much you loved it.

Dabi would admit later on how precious you are every time you get cock drunk, asking sweet questions and then fucking obscenities out from your pretty lips.

“W-Want your cum please! Please, cum in me!” you begged him as Dabi fucked you to your third orgasm in Keigo’s bed. “I love when you cum in me! Love your cum!”

Dabi stopped fucking you to hold your face in his hand, squishing your cheeks and making you look up at him. And he knew that you’d do anything and say anything to get just a piece of him, to be filled by him, to be one with him. A mischievous smile he gave you as you whined and tried to move your hips and he talks with a pitched tone that’s supposed to mimic your voice to mock you, “Love your cum, love your cock!”

“Dabi…” you sobbed for him.

“That’s all you ever babble about, fuckin’ whore. You love my drugs, my cock and my cum… I’m starting to think that that’s all I’m good for to you.”

You shook your head, swore to him that you’re not using him and that he’s more to you than those things.

He leaned down to brush his lips against yours, teasing you as he pulled back when you tried to kiss him and he was so cruel to demand of you in that moment, “Then tell me you love me.”

Tell Dabi you love him in Keigo’s bed.

You did, with tears that rimmed the edge of your eyes and a shuddering breath you told Dabi that you loved him in Keigo’s bed. Because you would give anything to feel complete with him and forgo your morals to do so. So you said it, you moaned it and cried it out to him that you loved him, giggling and thanking him when he finally came inside you as you were surrounded by Keigo’s scent.

And later you would cry after sending Dabi out with a kiss, you cried in the tainted bed sheets for desecrating Keigo’s space with Dabi. The guilt of your actions made you throw up in the toilet, tears still falling from your eyes as you cursed yourself. Right there in front of Keigo’s desk you sucked Dabi off, Dabi ate you out on the chair that Keigo liked to sit and read at on his days off, and right there on his bed you and Dabi fucked in several different positions with held hands and searing kisses.

You stripped Keigo’s bed for him, weeping at the wet patches from yours and Dabi’s cum, a choked sob breaching your lips and you tossed his sheets into the washer. You opened the window and lit a candle to clear out the smell of sex and you took one of Keigo’s hoodies from his closet to inhale his scent and sobbed into it.

There are countless memories you have of being in Keigo’s bed, lying side by side or facing one another in the late hours of the night when you’re at your most vulnerable with one another. Your hands would hold each other and the intimate atmosphere would be delicate in the dead of night, it would be just you and him and your hearts beating as one. And sometimes you could see him wanting to say that he loves you, a confession that always gets buried under hesitation. You could count the multiple times determination flashed on his face before suddenly disappearing and instead he leaves the words unsaid and you make no comment.

Some part of you wants to keep it as it is and another part is curious how much everything were to change if he were to finally say ‘I love you’ for the very first time.

Keigo could have told you he loved you with the dozens of chances he had when you laid together, in that safe space that he would always allow you to enter when you please whether he was in there or not.

Yet you told Dabi you loved him instead in this space that was supposed to be for you and your best friend only.

Keigo would later find you in his bed, none the wiser to what happened earlier in the day. He only noticed how his bedsheets and comforter smelled like fresh laundry and smiled warmly at how comfortable you were in his room and holding his hoodie close to your body. Little did he know that you had cried yourself to sleep, wishing his pillowcases smelled like him again.

━━━━✧

His bruises are fresh from yesterday, having gripped you too hard while you rode on top of him, his groans still echoing in your ears how good you take his cock into you. Your body aches a little from when he’d forcibly bent your body in certain positions he wanted to take you in; Dabi could be a bit rough sometimes but you were happy to let him do what he pleased. The high from yesterday is long gone and you’re just now recovering from the come down. It’s quiet in the house, a cup of tea in your hands as you stare out the window to the front yard where Keigo’s car was parked.

You saw him off to work, told him to have a good day and waved goodbye as he pulled out the driveway.

There’s nothing to do.

You have group today.

You’re not sure what to do to pass the time.

Your pills call to you but you swore that on the days you have group that you’ll be sober for them; at least you kept that promise since you came back.

The house is spotlessly clean, Keigo’s very diligent about keeping the house tidy. You walk along the walls with your cup in your hands, looking at framed art that you and him bought together but he hung them up while you chose which frames you wanted in which spots. There’s a few plants inside the house, it’s supposed to be your chore to water them and make sure that they thrive. Some of the leaves are wilted a little but other than that, they seem to be making it along fine.

When you look down into your cup, suddenly it seems exhausting to finish all of your tea so you dump it into the sink and wash it out.

You call your parents to tell them you’re doing fine, sitting down in your own room as they tell you about the garden they’ve been tending to and what they hope to harvest by the end of the season. Before you’d roll your eyes and listen half heartedly; now you take in their words and actually engage them in conversation.

The polaroid and the pin still sit on your bedside table.

When you end your phone call with your parents, you have a staring contest with the polaroid, holding it and staring listlessly at it.

You put it in a little frame you bought from the store the other day.

It’s still a good picture, plus Keigo would wonder why you wouldn’t have it on display in your room.

Your stash of pills are hidden in a new place in your room in a different box, looking in the direction of it and almost tempted to take a roxy to numb you out.

No.

It sucks to force yourself to be sober but you have to do it, at least up until you meet with Dabi next. He sent you a text earlier saying that he had fun yesterday, even throws in a ‘love you’ at the end of his message. It makes you smile and you looked over it several times during the day, your heart soaring and giddy with anticipation for the next time you see him.

You text Keigo to let him know that you’re heading to group now, putting on your shoes and walking towards the recreation center.

He tells you he’d proud of you.

And you sit in the group, pretending to listen to both old and new group members tell their story and bare their harsh truths and what their lowest point was that brought them to where they are, and then it’s your turn to stand and be greeted by everyone. You have to remember to keep this facade up and eventually you’ll be cleared to not have to attend anymore.

You’ll walk home to Keigo as the sun sets into a lovely lilac in the sky and Dabi will text you when he wants to see you again. You look forward to both of those things but first you have to attend group.

With all eyes on you, you stand up and lie all over again.

#dabi x reader #dabi smut #dabi #tw drugs #tw toxic relationship #bnha x reader #bnha dabi #bnha

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