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justateengirl99 · 2 years

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Let’s talk about : ANXIETY.

One of my main struggles with anxiety is feeling like I am drowning in other peoples opinions and constantly worrying about what everyone thinks about me.

I am constantly feeling insecure about:

what other people think about me, the way I look, the way I do things, the way I do my make up, the way I walk, the way I talk, the way I laugh or how I look when I laugh, what I post about, the way I text, the way I dress, my weight, the way I order food in public, what kind of shoes I’m wearing, my height, my hair colour and the list goes on! Let’s just say I feel insecure about everything I do and the way I do things.

Or I’m constantly feeling insecure about:

the way people look at me, how people talk to me, if I have done something wrong, if my boyfriend still feels the same about me, does my best friend suddenly hate me, do I annoy everyone, is my voice annoying, am I talking to much, why is everyone ignoring me, do they want to be my friend anymore, did I dress right, and the list goes on.

My main anxiety struggles

My anxiety is always making me feel drained, some days I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to brush my hair, I don’t want to shower, I don’t want to eat, i feel like binge eating, I don’t feel like brushing my teeth, couldn’t be bothered to change my clothes, I just simply don’t want to do anything, I just want to stay in bed, I just want to cry and I just want to shelter myself away from everyone and completely dissociate from the world. I’m constantly feeling like no one understands, I explain myself to my mum or my best friend or my boyfriend but no one ever understands, they might relate but they never truely understands how it feels and what goes on in my mind. Some days I feel like breaking down over nothing like I just want to give up and not even try, some days I feel okay and can go about my day and just shove everything to the back of my mind or some days I just want to stay in bed and not deal with life. Everyday is a struggle with anxiety.

What is anxiety?

Anxiety is our body’s natural response to stressful situations or things that are about to come. For example: the first day of school, a job interview, being in a crowd of people, public speaking, driving etc. Anxiety can also be more than that, anxiety can make you believe you are all on your own, it can convince you that you have no one, make you think no one wants you around, make you to scared to leave your room, make you to anxious to answer a phone call or even make you to afraid to order your own food. In reality anxiety can make you feel a certain way about anything.

Ways to cope with anxiety

In my opinion I believe doing what you love the most is the best way to cope with anxiety! Do you like drawing? go ahead and draw an amazing picture! Or maybe you like to do your make up? Push your limits and create a beautiful look! Do you like to drive? Go for a drive to your favourite place! Do you like to watch Netflix? Binge watch your favourite show/movie! Do you enjoy just relaxing in bed? Put on some music and relax! Do you love playing video games? Go ahead and play away!

Sometimes I also find that breathing techniques can help calm a person down, always remember in through your nose and count to three! Then breathe out your mouth count to three again and repeat!

Sometimes it also helps to write about your feelings, what’s causing them and what you can do to feel better! Get a book or a piece of paper, section off 3 parts and write “ feelings, the cause, how to feel better “ and there you go you have your own anxiety chart! Now write those feelings away!

I believe another way to help yourself feel better is to talk to a family member or friend! Now I know just how hard it can be to trust other people with your feelings or just talk about your struggles in general, but it does help! or maybe you prefer to talk to your pet about the way you feel? that helps to!

Fact about anxiety

Anxiety is one of the most common mental health conditions in Australia, over 2 million Australians a year struggle with anxiety!

24hr Help lines

Beyond blue: 1300 22 4636

Life line: 13 11 14

Kids helpline: 1800 55 1800

Open arms: 1800 011 046

Men’s line Australia: 1300 78 99 78

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467

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ayellowcurtain · 4 years

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could you pls write about robbe and sander having a dinner with both their mothers? just talking about them and their future so just a lot of fluff

could u write about sander’s mum finding like condoms in his room and then trying to have the sex talk with him?

It’s their first date with both their moms at the same time. Sander doesn’t remember being this nervous before. It’s a different type of nervous because he’s sure he was this nervous or more on a Saturday morning when he saw the boy of his dream walk in front of that big window, frowning, probably wondering who the fuck Sander was and what he was doing in the kitchen so early.

But besides himself, Robbe’s mom is his boyfriend’s entire world. Robbe takes more than what he can carry just to keep his mom happy, healthy, without extra concerns. So Robbe makes sure he gets good grades, he tries to stay out of trouble, he always lets her know when he’s coming home, if he’s coming home. He’s constantly trying to keep himself in check so his mom only has to worry about herself. And Sander gets it, but now he’s taking his mom to meet this amazing woman, hoping she’ll think he and this part of his family are worthy of her perfect son.

“Baby” his mom puts her hands in his forearms and Sander looks at her, waiting to ring the bell, “there’s something I have to tell you.”

“Right now? Can’t this something wait until later? Or tomorrow?” Sander frowns, getting even more nervous and anxious. They had a fifteen minutes long drive here and they had all that time to talk about whatever this is.

Sander was nervous during the drive, sure, but they had the time and he was sitting in his car, not about to knock on Robbe’s door.

He really doesn’t want to have any conversation now, but she decides against it.

“I was looking for some make up earlier.” She raises her eyebrows, bitting the corner of her lip, clearly uncomfortable, “And I found...some condoms.”

She wasn’t really looking into his eyes first, somewhere between his shoulders and his mouth, but now she is, scared of how he’ll react.

Sander freezes, thinking about the condoms he bought almost a week ago and forgot to take to his bedroom. He got home and he felt like he was hiding something horrendous inside his bag that anyone could see. His mom was at the hall the second she heard him locking the door. She was smiling, with her apron around her waist, desperately asking for his help with something.

He went to see what she needed, but firstly he hid the little plastic bag deep inside the cabinet under the bathroom sink. He completely forgot about them.

He feels his whole body freezing and catching on fire at the same time, his skin is flushing all the way from his chest to his hairline.

Sander doesn’t know what to do, what to say, what she expects him to say.

His mom takes a step forward, again deciding for both of them what to do, putting her hands in his face, smiling awkwardly.

“And there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m happy, proud. Please, use all the condoms, Sander. Okay? I want you to keep yourself safe. Condoms are not something bad, at all! Unless you’re taking care of yourselves...you know, taking a test to see how are your health, both of you. I just needed to tell you because I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything else right now. And if you bought them it’s because you need, you’re probably running out and I wanted you to have them.”

She won’t stop talking and for a second he thinks she’ll give them his condoms right there, at Robbe’s door but she doesn’t. It’s clear that they should have had this conversation some other time and Sander doesn’t know how to use his words all of a sudden, not knowing how to talk to his mom about his stupid sex life while about to go introduce their moms for the first time.

So she does the best she can do and knocks on the door for them. Sander steps back, putting his hips against the handrail behind him, holding it tightly with both his hands.

Robbe is what he desperately needed to see. Even if he’s clearly nervous too when opening the door, having the same time to prepare but still looking like he was caught by surprise. Wearing his fluffy socks over his black sweatpants, his big, startled eyes and his hair a little messy from running to open the door.

Sander smiles and keeps that face to look at his mom. She steps inside first, hugging Robbe quickly. Sander’s anxiety is making him hear everything muffled like he’s inside a tiny glass jar, alone. He watches as his mom puts the paper bag at Robbe’s eyes level to show the fancy sparkling water they brought for dinner and he smiles at her, pointing to where the kitchen is, where his mom probably is.

They watch quietly as his mom walks with that posture of hers. A mixture of confidence and kindness Sander will never be able to replicate so naturally.

Robbe looks forward again and their eyes meet and Sander’s walls fall immediately. He finally steps inside, inside Robbe’s personal space too, holding the front of his hoodie, wishing he could hide inside of it, feeling Robbe’s warm and soft skin hidden inside his clothes.

“My mom found condoms.”

Robbe’s eyes go very big instantly, looking back around him, making sure they’re alone, “What? Where? When?”

Sander sighs, closing his eyes, putting his forehead on Robbe’s chest, feeling his finger slip to the back of Sander’s neck with his movement, pressing his fingertips where Sander’s hair starts.

“In the bathroom. I bought because I was running out of it and she was in the hall when I did and I had to go eat so I left deep inside the bathroom cabinet and she found it this morning while she was looking for make up or some bullshit.”

Robbe takes a deep breath in and exhales shakily, putting his palms on Sander’s neck.

“Okay.” He kisses the top of his head and Sander squeezes Robbe’s sides, not knowing how he’ll be able to handle a whole dinner with salad, main course and dessert while thinking about his mom finding his condoms.

“Did she say anything?”

“That she’s proud of me for taking care of myself. And you. And that I shouldn’t stop using until we think we’re ready and taking very, very good care of ourselves.”

Sander finally stands up, whining, not sure if he’s more embarrassed or angry for having his mom tell him that unnecessary information while they were about to have a very important dinner.

“Hey...hey, Sander.” Robbe holds his face with more care, making Sander meet his eyes and he knows he’s pouting and Robbe smiles bright, “Baby...”

Sander whines, wanting to bury his face in Robbe’s neck and never leave. They don’t really use those kind of nicknames lightly so it still does things to Sander’s insides, making them all warm like hot chocolate.

“We’re okay. Ok? It’s just one hour, maybe two of being nice and present. We did nothing wrong, she’s proud of you.”

“Robbe! I know she knows we have sex, lots of it,” Robbe raises his eyebrows, more interested now, tilting his head sideways “but it’s still my mom! Finding condoms!” Sander closes his eyes, letting Robbe kiss his face carefully, “I can’t go home tonight, Robbe. Please. I can’t have fifteen minutes alone with my mom. Can I sleep here? And then you go home with me tomorrow.”

Sander pulls his boyfriend closer by his hips, squeezing them again, resting his forehead against Robbe’s.

His boyfriend smiles, wrapping both his arms around Sander’s neck, hanging on him, “Of course you can sleep here, I’ll love that. But there’s no way I’m going home with you tomorrow.”

“Robbe!” Sander looks at him, in shock that he’s really letting Sander be alone with his mom so soon.

“What?!” Robbe laughs, but pouts, not about to change his mind, not feeling like having a sex talk with Sander’s mom either.

#wtfock #robbe ijzermans #sander driesen #robbe x sander #sobbe

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songtoyou · 3 years

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Chapter 12: Switch - Part One

Tolerate It

Paring: Modern!Tommy Shelby x Original Female Character

Story Rating: R (No minors should read this fic).

Word Count: 3,791

Warnings: Swearing

Story Description: Tommy Shelby is the owner and CEO of Shelby Company Limited. Starting out as a Bookmaker, Tommy had big ideas to expand his riches. In the past ten years, the company has grown rapidly to expand its business ventures from bars to producing alcohol, manufacturing motor vehicle parts, and exporting. One of the richest men in Great Britain, Tommy Shelby, has it all. Unfortunately, the death of his wife, Grace, left the multi-millionaire mogul alone and depressed. He needed someone to fulfill his needs and deepest darkest desires.

Chapter Summary: Easter has arrived. Tommy is spending it with his family, while Rose is forced to spend time with her ex. We learn that Tommy does not always want to be in control.

A/N: This chapter will have two parts.

I do not permit my work to be posted on any other site without my permission.

Tag list: @owenniasstars

There was a part of Tommy that wished he did not have to be in control all of the time. It was understandable that he be the one in charge of his business as he had no other person to rely on to step up to the plate. Michael was still too young. Also, Tommy had been developing doubts and distrust towards his cousin. It didn’t help that Michael would schedule secret meetings with potential business partners and act as if he was doing it to help Tommy and the company. Tommy used to rely on and confide in his Aunt Polly. Yet, she began to distance herself more and more from the company, especially since getting remarried to Aberama Gold, a fellow business associate to Tommy. John and Arthur had their business deals to worry about, and Ada spent most of her time in the States.

He wished Grace was still alive. She was Tommy’s number one supporter. He shared almost everything with Grace (the legal side) and truly valued her advice and opinions. When Tommy was with Grace, he was able just to be himself. He was allowed to be calm and not have to overwork his mind. He didn’t have to be in control.

It was only with Grace that Tommy allowed another person to have total control over him in the bedroom. Both he and Grace shared characteristics of a dominant and submissive. They often switched roles, with Tommy as the dominant and Grace as the submissive, and vice versa. He loved it when Grace used to dominate him. No one would have suspected the sweet-natured blonde woman had an alpha personality behind closed doors, who was and controlling and overtly sexual.

With Grace gone, Tommy never allowed himself to be vulnerable in front of anyone. Lizzie tried to get Tommy to open that side of him up, but he denied her. He couldn’t do it. A part of Tommy felt as if it would be a betrayal to Grace. Both Ada and Polly constantly told Tommy that it was okay for him to move on from Grace.

“She gave you, on her deathbed, the permission to move on, Thomas. Respect your deceased wife’s wishes,” Aunt Polly would tell him.

“Find someone to have a family with, Tommy. Charlie deserves to have a mother figure in his life and possible siblings if it were to happen. Let yourself be happy,” were Ada’s words of encouragement.

No doubt Tommy would hear those exact words at his sister’s house this Sunday afternoon to celebrate Easter with the entire Shelby clan. Boy, it was going to be a long day. Charlie ended up spending the night at Ada’s with his cousins. Tommy was glad for that as indeed his sister would provide his son with an Easter basket. Tommy was not one for decorative or holiday pleasantries. That was all Grace. When Grace passed, Ada, Polly, or Esme would be the ones to step in and make sure Charlie celebrated his birthday with a party or invite him over for holiday festivities. Guilt would riddle Tommy at that notion that he could not provide his only child with a happy environment. Yes, Tommy loved Charlie dearly. However, Tommy could not deny that he lacked in other emotional departments. He was not one for sentiments or terms of endearment.

Another subject Tommy was not keen to have brought up was his “relationship” with Rose Turner. Unfortunately, he knew better than to expect his family members to rile him up about her and ask questions. None of them knew how Tommy met Rose. It was the same with Lizzie. While both Arthur and John were not faithful to their wives, neither were allowed to be members of Excelsior Club. He had mentioned Arthur and John to Tatiana to inquire if they could become members. Tatiana stated that they were both a liability. “Your brothers are too reckless and don’t fit the standards of our usual clientele. They are, how do I put this nicely? They are too ‘rough around the edges,’ so to speak,” Tatiana said dismissively when Tommy first started going to the Club.

It didn’t matter to Tommy either way; his brothers still managed to do fine all on their own. Besides, Arthur and John were not the faces of Shelby Company Limited; Tommy was and had an image to protect. If Tommy went down in disgrace, it would be for his business dealings, not that he kept himself in the company of whores.

However, Tommy could not help his growing feelings for Rose. There was an energy about her that was attractive to him that he could not quite understand why. Tommy was not sure if it was because Rose was able to adhere to his wicked desires. It amazed Tommy how she was keen on submitting and doing almost anything to please him. During scenes, Rose responded to Tommy as if he was the only man she needed, the only man she desired. And it felt genuine, not put on. There would be moments during aftercare where Rose would look at Tommy with such admiration and respect, that at first, it made him feel uneasy. But after a while, he came come to desire that look. That Tommy would do whatever it took to make sure Rose always looked at him in such away. Tommy found that he craved Rose’s respect, which caught him off guard.

Tommy soon realized that he also respected Rose and how she would do anything for her son. He admired that notion about her. She willingly entered into a line of work that could be demanding, demeaning, and possibly dangerous to provide for her child was not something that Tommy took lightly or was flippant about it. He would never refer to Rose as a “hooker with a heart of gold.” No, she was much more than a trope. Tommy knew Rose did not need a knight and shining armor to save her.

Lizzie wanted Tommy to save her. At the time, Tommy was in no position to be someone’s hero. He was too bruised, too shattered, too broken.

Now, here Tommy was at his sister’s home celebrating Easter. He sat back and watched everyone. The laughter, the smiles, Tommy felt like he didn’t belong. Tommy felt like he couldn’t breathe, so he stepped out back to smoke a cigarette since Ada did not allow smoking in her home.

The inhale of nicotine helped soothe Tommy’s anxiety and calm his nerves. Often, he wished he was back on opium. It was his way of coping after coming home from Afghanistan. He was only able to get clean because of Grace and her support. He never touched the stuff after getting clean, but there were still cravings. The feelings that came with the high brought such bliss. The satisfaction that nothing could harm you. Those weren’t going to go away magically overnight.

Tommy’s solitude was interrupted when his son, nephews, and nieces ran outside with their baskets to search for eggs. He looked at his watch and sighed. He was not sure how much longer he could stand this.

As the children flittered around the yard, Tommy took out his phone. He opened the message from one of the Blinders he had assigned to watch over Rose that day. The text message Tommy received earlier unsettled him. It was a picture of Rose exiting her house with Louis and a man. The three got in a car and drove off. At first sight of the image, Tommy felt enraged. He immediately wanted to know who this man was and why he was with Rose. Tommy was livid. Fortunately, he calmed himself down when Rose sent him a text an hour later.

Rose: I know you have your guys watching over Louis and me. While I do appreciate that, it is a little much. The man I am with is Louis’s father, Nick. We are going out for an Easter brunch. Nothing for you to worry about, and Happy Easter.

Tommy didn’t respond, but he was grateful that Rose cleared things up. He knew his reaction to the picture was ridiculous. The slight pang of jealously surprised Tommy. He didn’t quite know where it came from; it was the same feeling when Rose told him that Changretta contacted her. He was still unsure about what to do with Changretta. First, it was only business that Changretta was causing Tommy grief; now, the man was gearing up to steal his girl. Tommy realized that he must have been too lenient when dealing with the Changrettas now overstepping their boundaries. Tommy and the Peaky Blinders would have to put them in their place for good.

Tommy would make sure that Rose was not a casualty if a war broke out. He was not going to lose her or the war.

“Mum! Come on!” Louis yelled. He was dressed and ready to go, but his mum was taking forever. “What is taking so long?”

“In a minute!” Rose shouted back. She was ready but was busy doing making an Easter basket for Louis. Rose placed the items strategically in the basket. She grabbed the basket and walked down the stairs. “Happy Easter, my little man.”

Rose handed the basket to Louis, who had a look of confusion and annoyance on his face. “What the Hell, Mum? Is this what you have been doing for the last thirty minutes?”

“Yes,” Rose said. “Don’t you like it?”

Louis sighed and placed the basket on the table. “I’m too old for an Easter basket,” he moaned but still looked through the basket to see what he got. “Holy shit! A new iPhone! AirPods!”

“Still want the basket?” Rose questioned sarcastically. “I mean, I’ll take it back if you don’t want it.”

“No, I want it. Mum, thank you,” Louis beamed with happiness and hugged Rose.

“You’re welcome, sweetheart. You’re a good kid. I love you.”

“I love you too, Mum.”

Their tender moment was cut short when the doorbell rang. “Who the bloody Hell could that be?” Rose asked, confused.

“It is probably Dad. I told him it would be easier to pick us up,” Louis explained and went to open the door. “Dad! So good to see you.”

Rose stood back, arms crossed, as Louis hugged his father. It was a sight that had Rose feel a pang in her chest. It reminded her that the three of them could have been a family, a typical family. That is what Louis deserved. Nick looked over at Rose and smiled at her. It was a warm and genuine smile. Rose felt like she was sixteen all over again.

“Rosie, you look…beautiful as always,” Nick complimented and went in for a hug but stopped himself. “We can hug, right?’

Rose scoffed, “Of course we can hug, weirdo.” The former lovers embraced, and Rose felt a familiarity, the feeling of being safe and uncertain. She pulled away. “Well, we better get going. Louis, where did you decide we go to eat?”

“Bella Roma. Can we stop by an Apple store after we’re done eating? I want to be able to switch over from my old iPhone to the new one. Mum, got me a new iPhone.” Louis held up his phone to his dad.

“Nice,” Nick admired.

“We’ll see. Come, let’s get going,” Rose ordered and ushered everyone out of the house. Locking up, Rose turned around to see Louis and Nick walked towards a car. “Wow. Is this your car, Nick?”

“Don’t act so shocked. It is a used car, but yes, it is mine,” he told Rose. “It is a 2017 Hyundai Elantra. Got a pretty good price for it too.”

“Very nice,” Rose approved as she got inside, with Louis settling himself comfortably in the back seat.

“Dad has a full-time job now. Isn’t that right, Dad,” Louis spoke up eagerly.

Nick started the car and drove away from the house. It would not be too long before they arrived at the restaurant. “Where do you work?” Rose asked, trying to hide the tone of suspicion in her voice.

“My father took pity on me. I work at his insurance company. It took a while for him to trust me again. But Mum told Dad to give me a chance, especially when I got out of….”

“Prison,” Rose interrupted, and she noticed Nick straighten up in his seat. “That is good to hear. I’m glad your relationship with your parents is better. Better than mine, that is for sure,” she added under her breath.

It was not long until Nick parked near Bella Roma. Once they entered the restaurant, the three were seated quickly. Rose sat on one side, while Nick and Louis sat together on the other side. Rose sat back and watched the interaction between father and son. It was sweet to watch Louis interact with his father. As Rose looked between the two, she was reminded how much they both looked so very much alike. It was eerie. Dark brown hair and brown eyes were two of the features they shared, along with a dimple on their chin.

Soon, their waitress stopped by to get drink orders. “I’ll just have water, thank you,” said Rose. Truthfully, she would have liked a glass of wine to help take the edge off. However, Rose didn’t want anything to hinder her guard up around Nick.

They ended up ordering pizza to share and a plate of arancini as a starter. Louis was the one to dominate the conversation. He was desperately trying to get his parents to interact more. Louis kept praising his dad’s accomplishments to get his mum’s attention. “Mum, did you know dad volunteers to help underprivileged kids. It’s like, what did you refer to it as, a nice version of scared straight?”

Nick chuckled, “Something like that. I figured I could do something good and help guide kids to not make the same mistakes as me.”

Rose bit her tongue. For Louis’s sake, she would be nice. However, she wanted to bite back and ask Nick what he considers mistakes he has made throughout his life. Rose hoped he didn’t view Louis as some mistake. That would set her off. Rose picked at her pizza; she found herself not hungry all of a sudden. Nick and Louis continued to talk amongst themselves about mundane topics such as school, sports, music, etc.

At that moment, Rose’s thoughts drifted to Tommy. She wondered what he was doing, and kind of wished he was with her. That thought caught Rose off guard. She pulled out her phone and sent him a quick text. She wanted to let him know that she was out with Louis and Nick, along with wishing him a happy Easter. There were times where Rose wished she didn’t have to leave Tommy after their rendezvous in the hotel that Friday. She always felt safe with Tommy. There was a sense of security and a feeling of being protected.

Rose found herself that the more she hung around Tommy, the more she began to trust him, and the more Rose began to like Tommy, which scared her. She was not supposed to develop feelings for him. He was a client, after all. He paid for her services. She willingly allowed him to do unspeakable sexual acts to her. Rose was willing to let Tommy do things she would never allow any other man to do to her. She wondered what made Tommy different compared to someone like Luca or Alfie. Probably because, in a weird sense, Tommy treated Rose like a human being and not some toy. Yes, she knew Tommy tended to be possessive, but he still respected Rose’s boundaries. Rose trusted Tommy not ever to cross them.

“Rosie, are you still here?” Nick asked. He waved his hand in front of Rose’s face to get her attention.

“What?” Rose shook her head to clear her mind. “Sorry, what’s going on?”

“Dad asked you about the guy you are currently seeing,” Louis answered. He was frustrated that his dad brought up Tommy.

“Oh yeah, what about Tommy?”

“Just wondered how long you have been seeing this guy? How did you two meeting by the way?” Nick questioned. “I’ll be frank; I was stunned to find out that the mother of my child is dating the one and only Tommy Shelby. Isn’t he an OBE?”

Rose shrugged her shoulders at the question, “I guess he is an OBE. I don’t know; he has yet to show me his medal or whatever it is they get. You know, Tommy is just a guy I met, and we hit it off. Nothing too outrageous.”

“Is it serious?” Again, another question from Nick.

Louis sighed in annoyance, and Rose quickly picked up on her son’s discomfort on the subject of Tommy. “Let’s see if they have dessert,” Rose changed the subject and tried to wave over their waitress.

“Have you met him, Louis?” asked Nick turning towards his son.

Rolling her eyes, Rose interceded, “No, he has not met Tommy.”

“And I don’t want to,” Louis mumbled under his breath.

“Hey, here is an idea, how we don’t talk about Tommy, okay,” ordered Rose, and both guys agreed.

After sharing a tiramisu, Rose had enough and was ready to get back home. Nick offered to pay, and Rose didn’t fight him on it. She figured it was his way of showing he had his own money and could provide a meal for them. With their leftovers boxed up, Rose led the way back to Nick’s car.

“Louis, did you still want to go to the Apple store?” Rose asked him.

“Can we? I thought you wanted to get back home.”

“I do, but we can get the leftovers in the fridge, and I can take you,” replied Rose. Truthfully, she did not want to go. She had enough excitement for one day.

Suddenly, Nick piped in, “I can take him if you feel like staying home.”

Rose turned around to look at Louis, “Is that okay with you?”

“That’s fine,” answered Louis, happily. He was excited to get to spend some alone time with his dad.

Nick parked in front of the house. Rose and Louis and got out of the car. He handed the pizza boxes to Rose and got in the front seat. “I’ll see you late, sweetie. By Nick. Take care.”

“Bye, Rosie. Talk to you later.”

Rose waved them off and walked towards the house. She breathed a sigh of relief upon entry. She went upstairs to undress and put on a pair of comfortable sweats and sweater. All Rose wanted to do was relax.

Looking at the clock, it was only 3:30 PM. Lunch with Nick felt like it went on longer. As Rose was about to settle herself on the couch to watch television, the doorbell rang. “Now, who the Hell is that?”

“Fucking ‘ell, people. It’s Easter Sunday, for God’s sake.” She walked to the front door and opened it to find none other than Tommy Shelby.

“Tommy, what are you doing here?” inquired Rose, totally not expecting it to be him.

Clearing his throat, Tommy shuffled on his feet. He looked down, then up at Rose. “I…I needed to get out and away. It was all too much.”

Rose was confused by what Tommy was telling her. She motioned for Tommy to come inside, and he obliged. “What do you mean it was all too much? Are you okay?”

Guiding Tommy to the couch, Rose sat down next to him. She was concerned since she had never seen Tommy like this before. It was as if he was lost.

Tommy sighed, “I was at my sister’s house. Everyone was there, my brothers, their wives and kids, Aunt Polly and her husband, his kids. Everyone had someone but me. I was alone. Charlie was there, of course, but it if feels like the bond we once had is dwindling. He doesn’t need me. I watched him play with his cousins and interact with his aunts and uncles and realized that my son is better off without me.”

Rose was shocked at Tommy’s words. She scooted closer to him and placed a supported hand on his knee. “Tommy, no. That is not true. Of course, your son needs you. You are his father. You’re his family.”

“He has other family members who can give him the love and attention he deserves. Maybe I should have listened to Grace’s parents and had Charlie live with them.”

“No. Tommy, listen to me,” Rose began and made Tommy look at her. “Charlie is your son. You love him. You told me that you love him. He is a part of you and Grace. If you give Charlie up, you will regret it. Then you truly will lose him.”

“It would be better for him….”

“No, it would not. It would only scar that child for the rest of his life. He will feel that you abandoned him,” Rose stated firmly. “You’re not thinking clearly. It’s a holiday. We all get weird when we are forced to hang around family members. Just stay here for a while and relax.”

Rose found that her hand moved from Tommy’s knee to his hand sitting back on the couch. He was holding on tight as if he was afraid Rose would disappear. She used her other hand to cover his. Rose wanted Tommy to know that she was not going anywhere. Taking in Tommy’s appearance, he was dressed in blue jeans, a black sweater, and black boots. It was the most casual look Rose had ever seen Tommy. She was always used to seeing him in suits. It was a nice change. However, the look on his face was one of sadness and defeat.

“Tell me what you need, Tommy?” Rose asked. She pulled Tommy closer to her and wrapped an arm around him. “Tell me how I can make it better,” she crooned in his ear and ran her fingers through his hair.

What did Tommy want? He was unsure. A part of Tommy didn’t want to feel always in control. That he could let go and be in the moment. That’s what he wanted; he wanted to be in the moment with Rose. Just the two of them, sitting together. “I just want to sit here, with you, Rose. That’s all I want right now. I don’t want to think about anything.”

Kissing the top of Tommy’s head, Rose leaned her head on his. “Okay, we can do that, Tommy. I’m here. Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”

#tommy shelby #tommy shelby x oc #thomas shelby #thomas shelby x oc #peaky blinders #peaky blinders fic

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saharamae21 · 4 years

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Family Time - Drew Starkey Imagine

Author: sguymon21

Summary: A possible request of Drew taking you home to his family constantly and you get really comfortable with them to the point where you call his mum your mum and eventually stop referring to her as Jodi (which is her name) and Drew thinks it's so cute and falls in love with you even more than he did before?? Thanks hun, your writing is incredible! Requested

SORRY THIS TOOK ME SO LONG

Warnings: None

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Only one thing in my life had ever made sense and that was Drew. He was the only person who’s ever loved me unconditionally and I loved him just the same. From the moment we met, something felt inevitable. No matter how much I tried to push him away, he gravitated towards me. He never gave up on me.

Drew had gotten back from the gym about 20 minutes ago and immediately jumped into the shower. I started dinner as he cleaned off. I stood in the kitchen and continued to pan fry the chicken breasts for dinner as the shower stopped. A few minutes later Drew walked out, shirtless and still dripping with water. I bit my lip as I tried not to stare. He chuckled at me and snaked his arms around my waist, turning me to face him. He pressed his forehead against mine and kissed me quickly.

“Let go,” I giggled. “The chicken is going to burn!”

He smiled down at me and ruffled my hair. He let me go and grabbed some plates to set the table. We had just started staying over at each other’s apartments and everything was still pretty new. He had never set the table before though, so I knew something was up. I finished up dinner and put it on the table. It was nothing special, just chicken and mashed potatoes. Still, he looked overjoyed. I scooped what I wanted onto my plate and began to eat. I noticed he wasn’t eating yet, just staring at the plate. He had something on his mind.

“So, we’ve been dating for a while,” he started. I had a feeling that I could tell where this was going. He knew that family was the one thing that scared me. My family was so dysfunctional, that the idea of meeting his, scared the shit out of me. I tried not to let my face fall as he told me his family was flying in. I tried to smile through the anxiety that sat in my gut. “I really want you to meet them.”

“O-okay,” I said. I tried not to stutter. I wanted his family to love me. I didn’t know what I would do if they didn’t. I looked back down at my plate, suddenly feeling full. I didn’t want him to worry though so I forced myself to continue eating.

That night we sat on the couch and he showed me pictures of his two sisters. They all looked so close and happy. Then there was his brother and his mom. His mom’s husband, Drew’s stepdad. They all looked like such a happy family. I worried about the day that he asked me about mine. He told me that I shouldn’t worry, that they would love me. It didn’t help me feel better though.

A couple days passed and Drew was at the airport picking up his family. I had spent all day in the kitchen, making dinner for everyone. I was making pasta from scratch in order to cook Chicken Parmesan for everyone. Everything was prepped and ready, the chicken was cooking in the oven. I decided to go get ready quickly. I was just finishing up when I heard Drew and his family opening up the door. I put my apron back on and walked out to greet them. Everyone was so friendly. Jodi gave me a hug and his sisters asked me how we met. They were so focused on me that my anxiety melted away. Drew told me that he would watch the food and that I should go chat with them.

After about 15 minutes, I got up to turn the oven heat down, so that nothing burnt. Drew told me to stay and he would do it. He got up and I continued to talk. I knew I should’ve done it myself. I knew something was bound to go wrong. Within 10 minutes, the house was filled with smoke and the fire alarm was going off. I ran to the kitchen and opened up the oven.

“No, no, no, no, no,” I mumbled. Inside the oven was my chicken and veggies, burnt to a crisp. I felt tears well up in my eyes as Drew ran in. He must’ve been so distracted by what I was doing that he turned the over up instead of down. He pulled me into his arms and kissed my forehead.

“I’m sorry sweetheart,” he said. “I messed up everything. You worked so hard on that food.”

“It’s okay,” I mumbled as he wiped my tears. My voice was small and shaky. “I just want them to like me.”

“Oh, sweetheart, we love you,” his mom said as she walked into the room. My head shot over to look at her. I wiped my tears away as she walked closer. She pulled me into a hug and rubbed my back a little bit. “I’m sad that we don’t get to eat your food, but that just means you have to cook for us again next time!”

“Of course, Jodi! I-” I started, feeling so happy that they liked me.

“Call me mom,” she said. “I have a feeling, you’ll be sticking around, y/n.”

“Thanks… mom,” I said. It felt weird coming out of my mouth, yet it was so natural.

“We’ll call and order some pizza. Then, we can all continue chatting,” she said. She smiled at me before walking back into the other room and telling the rest of the family the new plan. As soon as she was out of the room, Drew pulled me into his arms and kissed me lovingly. He pulled away, keeping his forehead pressed against mine.

“How did I just fall in love with you even more than I already had?” he asked, staring into my eyes. I felt exactly the same way.

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Tag list : @justcallmesams @jellyfishbeansontoast @prejudic3 @queenofthebees003 @jjtheangel @infinitydols @simpingforrudypankowonly @sunwardsss @talksoprettyjjx @obbx-tings @waywardbarbie @beth-winchester21 @outerbongs @ilovejjmaybank @teenwaywardasgardian

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light679 · 3 years

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Before the Show

Piers x OC request by a tumblr who wishes to remain anonymous in a scene where Piers sneaks into her dorm for some quick cuddles and comfort after not seeing her for a few weeks

This was really fun to write, and I hope you enjoy! :3 Post is under the cut!

Elise flopped onto her bed, tossing her bookbag haphazardly on the floor as she entered her down room. Her Altaria fluttered to the corner chair of the room, gazing at its trainer with a worried look. Today had been a particularly long day, and she was thankful to have her dorm room to herself that evening, alone enough to let herself unwind from the exhausting and anxiety that had crept up on her throughout the day. Besides the massive amount of assignments as readings her professors at Hammerlocke University had assigned, she’d made the mistake of checking her phone between courses, noting several texts from her mom. Naturally, her mom wanted her to come home to visit that weekend, most likely to make sure she was keeping up on the various extracurriculars her mom had forced on her throughout primary schooling: music, language studies, gymnastics. Maybe even to show off her many ‘talents’ to her mom’s high-class friends. As if she wasn’t already stretched thin enough with the expectations of university. As if her perfect grades weren’t enough. And, of course, it was unlikely Valenia would let Elise wear one of her own designs at home; she was always expecting Elise to be dressed to absolute perfection all the time.

That was one thing about university that she was thankful for: the chance to dress and express herself the way she wanted without her mother’s constant eye on her. Of course, she never knew exactly when or if her mother would drop by for an unexpected visit, so she kept her appearance still relatively put-together overall, but it was still nice to be able to put her hair in a ponytail on days where she was more tired, rather than curling each strand to perfection for hours in the morning. Lately, it seemed like she was having more ponytail days than not.

“I should really start my reading,” Elise groaned to her Altaria, throwing an arm over her eyes as if to physically block herself from the idea of more work. The flying type chirped warily, not taking its eyes off its tired trainer. She sighed. “You’re right, I’m too tired. I just…I just want…” she trailed off.

In all reality, she knew what she wanted. What Elise wanted more than anything was to sneak over to Spikemuth to wrap herself in her boyfriend, Pier’s arms, letting him hold her as she worked through the conflicting emotions of the day. It had been weeks since she’d had the chance to go seen him, her college responsibilities and her mom keeping her busy constantly. If she didn’t know any better, she’d swear her mom was keeping her so busy because she’d found out about the relationship and was trying to keep her from it. But Valencia wasn’t that passive. If Elise’s mom knew about the relationship, there’d have been blatant orders to end it by now. Valencia didn’t hide behind games or tricks; she said exactly what she thought of her daughter.

Either way, she missed Piers. With the Spikemuth Gym Leader, she didn’t have to pretend to her perfect all of the time. He understood her struggles, her anxieties. As someone who had to shoulder a lot of responsibility at a young age, Piers felt those anxieties himself. He understood the pressure to be constantly on the top of his game, always pleasing everyone around him, especially when it came to his younger sister. Marnie was always looking up to her older brother, cheering him on at every match and every concert. Piers’ loud music and battling wasn’t particularly something Elise fancied herself, but she was happy to hear about it whenever Piers talked about his passion. Of course, those things also brought up some anxieties for the man, but once he pushed past them and was able to focus on the things he enjoyed about them, Elise loved the way his eyes lit up whenever he spoke about them. He really was beautiful when he smiled, something he tried not to do very often around others to maintain his edgy look, but Elise was usually able to bring out his softer side. Oh, how she craved to have his arms around her now, hearing his low, melodical voice whispering sweet nothings into her ear to help her relax from the stressful day.

A sudden sound at her window shook her from her reverie. Altaria, who was close to the window, jumped and squeaked nervously, fluttering to hide behind Elise, who instead ran to the window. She opened it, looking down to the ground-which was a floor below hers- and gasped at the person who appeared there. As if her thoughts had summoned him, Piers stood beneath her window, looking ready to throw something at the window. “What are you doing here? You could get in so much trouble!” She hissed down at him.

At the sight of her open window, the dark-type trainer smiled and began scaling the tree that stood just outside her window. The movements were awkward, seeing as Piers wasn’t much for strength training, or working out in general, but he made it quickly to the top. “Hey Princess,” he said softly when he slid into her room, wrapping her in a hug immediately. The smell of him overwhelmed- and calmed her. Piers always smelled like a mixture of his hair products, a slight twinge of perspiration from his intense singing or battles (though it always smelled pleasant to Elise), and a few other things that Elise couldn’t put a name to that were unique to the town of Spikemuth. Tonight, rather than having his hair in its usual spiky hairdo, Piers wore his hair in a loose, low ponytail, letting his soft white and black locks fall behind him naturally. “I missed you,” Piers said, kissing the top of her head as he rocked her gently back and forth in the embrace, almost as if they were slow dancing.

Elise pulled back slightly to look into his icy blue eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I know I’ve been so busy, and my mom-“

Piers placed a finger on her lips gently, guiding her to the bed, where he sat back against the headboard and gestured for her to rest her head in his lap. “It’s alright love, I know you’ve been busy. You don’t haveta apologize. Don’t worry ‘bout me, I may die of loneliness with you gone, but I’ll live.” His dainty fingers picked up a loose strand of her hair, twirling it around his finger. “Why don’t you tell me about your day?”

Elise sighed, closing her eyes as she spoke. “It was just so long, I have all of these assignments coming up and no time to get everything done. Not with my mom breathing down my back every second of the day, expecting me to somehow keep up with everything she wants me to while trying to make it on my own. I-I just feel like I get closer to my breaking point every day, I…” a few tears leaked from the corners of her eyes as she spoke. “I feel like I’m never going to measure up to what she wants, let alone even figuring out what I want. It’s just too much. Maybe I’m not cut out to be a designer if I crack under all this pressure.”

“Princess…” Piers whispered softly, gently brushing the tears from her cheeks. “It hurts me to see you so sad. Yer so talented. Every time I wear your designs on stage, my fans go wild. They love you. I love you. Yer mum is crazy to not see that. I’ll be yer biggest fan, no matter what you decide you want to do.” The dark-type trainer gently slid the elastic band that held her ponytail in place, gently stroking the dark locks that splayed out across his lap. Piers always loved her hair, no matter how she wore it. Of course, the ponytail look was his favorite; Piers knew it was her secret way of rebelling against her mom’s expectations. Besides, having her hair up got some of those wild locks out of her face so that he could better see her beautiful features. Before she knew what was happening, he was gently twisting her hair into a braid, twining the dark locks together in a perfect twist. She smiled up at him to see his icy blue eyes just as wet as her own.

“Piers? What’s wrong?” Elise asked, twisting so that she was sitting in front of him, meeting his gaze with her own.

“Nothin’ love, I’m just thinkin’ about you. I was so alone before I met you. Sure, I had Marnie an’ all, but it gets pretty lonely sometimes, being a Gym Leader and singer. Everyone wants to get to know you for yer fame and title, but no one takes the time to get to know the real you. But you, Princess…you don’t care about any of that. I’m not sayin’ you solved all the problems in the world, but you saved me.” His face was beet red with the admission; Piers wasn’t usually so outwardly verbally affectionate.

Elise felt her eyes water again, her throat growing heavy as she took in his words. “I love you too,” she whispered, leaning in to kiss him. His arms wrapped around her once again, pulling her close to his chest so that she could rest her head against his chest. It was her turn to twirl his hair around her fingers, playing with his well-kept locks. Piers noticed the way her movements slowed, her hand slowly lowering as she drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

Piers smiled. He loved to see Elise in such a state of peace. As someone who also was tired constantly from lack of sleep and from feeling like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, he understood just how important sleep was to his beautiful girlfriend. She always looked so calm and at peace whenever she did, especially when he talked or sang to her. He checked his phone. It was getting pretty late, every minute parking closer to the concert he was supposed to sing at that night. Of course, he hadn’t told Elise that he’d have a concert tonight, she was stressed enough as it was without having to deal with worrying about getting him back to Spikemuth in time. But his fans could wait. Above all else, Piers missed his Elise, his princess, the light to his dark existence. He brushed his hand gently against her cheek as she slept, her arms wrapped loosely around him.

“I love the way yer so at peace with me here, in yer happy little dreamland,” he said, thinking about the last word. Dreamland. He could almost picture his new song. “In my dreamland, I’m with you always, far away from reality, your eyes are so bright just like the stars we dream under. Am I there in your world with you? Do you dream of me just as I dream of you? Is my voice the reason behind your smile under your starlit dream?” He sighed, happy with the melody he’d created just then. New ideas for songs always came to him so easy when he was with Elise. She was his muse, his inspiration. Of course, since their relationship was incredibly private, his songs were heavily coded to protect her, but that didn’t mean every one of his new songs wasn’t about or inspired by her in some way.

“Goodnight Princess,” he murmered softly as he pressed a quick kiss to her forehead, gently slipping out of her tired grasp and setting her down onto the pillow gently. Thank Arceus Elise was a heavy enough sleeper once she was completely out and hadn’t yet woken when he had to slip out of her place. He’d be a little late to his concert, but that was the least of his problems, and the last thing on his mind as he climbed awkwardly back down the tree. The first thing on his mind, of course, being his beautiful Elise.

#asks #Piers x oc #Dark Skies Shipping #darkskiesshipping #this was my first non-mutual ask #I'm so happy and loved writing this #I hope you like it anon

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shade-aurion · 4 years

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Today, i'm going to tell a story about my first encounter with First Australians. My first memories are from when i'm around 2-3 and at the time we had moved to Western Australia as my father being a miner, we moved around the country a lot. Where we moved to was literally a caravan park in the desert. Indigenous tribes out that way still essentially lived how they always had before because it's a vast expanse, mostly unpopulated by everyone else bar the coast, cliff line and dotted communities. Indigenous had elders, would go where they pleased and seemed content. Though i'm sure I was too young and innocent to notice people shooting glances.

One day when my mother was shopping, I wandered off because I was one of 'those' kids and saw a group of First Australians sitting in a circle outside the shoping centre. I had no concept of racism. To me these were a bunch of badasses dressed in hunting gear just chilling while everyone else was boring and wearing shitty picnic clothes trying to be a disingenuous 'good neighbour' Even as a small child I could tell many people were fake af even without realising it themselves. Still, times back then were very different to now.

So I ran up to these awesome looking people. They were just hanging out, eating and having a chat to eachother. I stood by, probably awkwardly close, they laughed and I laughed, they made room for me to sit with them and I did so. They were friendly, accepting, I felt safe and I respected them for that. My mother found me after 10 or so minutes. I was a sneaky child and would escape often and stressed her out a lot. She apologised and they said it was fine. We bid each other farewell and that was my first impression. A tiny pastey white blonde haired kid being welcomed to sit down with people I didn't know at all. Honestly, it was like they were looking out for me til my mum found me.

That always stuck with me even after I learned of Australian history. And not in school btw. They don't tell you about the near genocide of our Indigenous in private or public schools. Not back then as I attended both. I had to read about it myself and all the messed up, confederate equivalent 'white Australia' shit. I'd only seen Pauline Hanson for the first time a few years prior and had upon first impression called her "Ronald McDonald" and after learning our history really didn't regret it at all. What a fucking clown.

In my younger years I kept a lot of my rights and political thoughts inside. Teenagers are often self absorbed without meaning to be as it seems the world is always ending for them, so there was always something else dominating the conversation and this carried into my 20s too. In that time i'd made a number of indigenous friends and they were unsurprisingly all lovely people and still are now. What always struck me as sad is how, friends aside almost every indigenous person I met had a natural anxiety about them. Something I could relate to with my own issues, but theirs was about themselves, like they were constantly worried and as I got older the reason became clear. They've been made to question their worth as a human being casually their whole life

I heard people saying fucked up shit but it was this weird disconnect because a lot of the time, harsh humor was common. I probably said some ignorant shit myself too. It was also the 2000s so edgy white wannabe rappers were a thing and people were dropping N bombs indirectly and nonchalantly even more than people do now. Things being fucked and harsh back then, was the humor. But I quickly realised a lot of these 'jokes' weren't jokes at all. It was just racism stacked on racism. I remember one night in particular, a girlfriend of mine at the time making these 'jokes' that was just loosely veiled racism while a friend of mine who is Indigenous was in tears over it. This moment stuck with me for years. I should have said something then and I always regretted it. That was THE moment that I realised everything isn't okay to joke about. Even if people don't mean it, words hurt and conjure up years of discrimination. A lesson I frankly shouldn't have had to learn but being young I was naive and thought better of everyone and in those situations you let a lot of things slide you shouldn't.

Even then I was righteous, just not about enough. And sometimes I think about if i'm too righteous now, too concerned with altruism, equality, equity, justice. Posting too much stuff on everyone's news feeds. But then I think of this story. The welcoming lunch circle when I was a tiny child and the tears of my friend when a person I loved at the time perpetuated that friend's pain. Now I don' t think i'm overly righteous. I think other people aren't righteous enough. I remember first Australians as being chill as fuck, respectable warriors just having a chat and eating before they wandered back into a land i'd so easily die in within hours. That time in my life echoed through me a lot. It was the moment I began being vocal about politics because I realised it directly effected my indigenous friends, my LGBTQ+ friends, even my female friends. Racism, sexism, bigotry.. Discriminstion. I don't regret being righteous to the point of being annoying. I regret not being that way sooner.

#BlackLivesMatter

#black lives have always mattered #blacklivesmatter #BLM

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crabsticksforbreakfast · 7 years

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1. Do you like who you are? Some days more than others. I try to, but sometimes it's hard. 2. What would people say about you at your funeral? Hopefully that I was nice? A good friend? 3. What would you regret not doing in your life? Leaving things unsaid and not travelling more. 4. What’s the wisest thing you have ever heard someone say? I honestly can't think of just one. I have had some very wise teachers in my life. 5. What lessons in life did you learn to hard way? You can't trust people not to hurt you, because sometimes they will hurt you to spare themselves. 6. How often do your biggest worries and fears come true? It depends on the situation. My worries are often related to whatever I'm currently going through. 7. If you had one year left to live, what would you try to achieve? Travel loads. 8. Do you serve money or does money serve you? Neither. I am not motivated by money, but I don't have enough to say it serves me as such. 9. Are you afraid of being your true self around others? Why? Not really. I'm not entirely sure which version of myself the "true" one is anyway! 10. What are you grateful for? My friends. 11. Have you done anything you are proud of lately? I made a really cool song the other day. 12. Have you made any recent acts of kindness? No, not that I can think of. Man, I really should. 13. If you knew that you would die tomorrow, what questions would you ask yourself? I would try not to. What's the point in torturing yourself with no time to change anything? 14. If your biggest fears came true, would it matter in five years from now? It's hard to say. No doubt I'd still be beating myself up for it in five years. 15. How would you describe yourself? Weird but with good intentions. 16. Do you take people’s advice? I try to. 17. Do you get quickly offended? Nope. 18. Do you consider yourself to be a likable person? I guess so. I do have quite a lot of friends who actually care about me and want to hang out. 19. ‘We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give’ – What does this mean to you? It's pretty self explanatory, I'd say... 20. Are you enriching the lives of others? I hope so! 21. Are you living a meaningful life? I'm living my life as well as I can. Whether it's meaningful or not, I don't think that's for me to say. 22. What makes a meaningful life? I would say just being a good person to yourself and to others. 23. Would you ever give up your life to save another? Probably. 24. How much would you be willing to sacrifice for people in poverty? A reasonable amount. 25. If you could live one day over and over again, what would you choose to do? Exploring in Norway and seeing the Northern Lights. 26. Do you think you are important and worthy of affection and love? Yes! Getting other people to agree is the difficulty. 27. What would make you feel more worthy? What do you believe needs to be different about you? I need to worry less and believe that good things will happen. I think my anxiety causes me to give off negative vibes. 28. What brings you down the most often? Other people not doing what I thought they would do. 29. Would you rather work less (and do the things you enjoy) and have less money? I have so little money as it is, and you need money to do the things I want to do. Plus I love my job, so no. 30. Where do you find peace? In nature with my music on. 31. What is the most important quality you look for in another person? A willingness to understand each other. 32. What is your biggest dream in life? To have my love returned and for it to last. 33. What is your biggest fear? Being unloved forever. 34. How would the world be different if you had never been born? I have no idea! 35. What life lessons do you wish you knew 10 years ago? Alcohol is stupid and makes you look and act like an idiot. Most of the people you see as "best friends" now will not even be in your life in 10 years, so don't let these people mess you around. 36. If you could tell your younger self one thing, what would it be? You were not a bad person for falling for him. He knew what he was doing and played the game too well. It's not your fault and it does not mean you don't deserve to be happy. 37. If your life was a movie, what would the title be? What The Actual Fuck? Life Story of an Overthinker. 38. If your life was a movie, would you enjoy watching it? It would be so cringeworthy! But parts would be pretty funny. 39. What does success mean to you? Being able to look at what you did and feel proud. 40. If you could be a different person, who would you be? Someone who travels more and is braver. 41. What was the best day of your life? Why? Seeing the Northern Lights or husky sledding. Can I just say my whole trip to Norway? 42. What do you look forward to most in life? Where I'm going next. 43. What bad habits do you want to ditch? Overthinking, catastrophising, being vague instead of saying what I really think/feel. 44. Who do you look up to and why? WW because she has had such a hard life, but continues to be kind and positive. 45. Do you know your partners love language? He's not my partner. Perhaps if I knew his "love language" I would be with him instead of constantly confused about what is going on! 46. Do the people you love most know how much you love them? Some, but not others. 47. Are you satisfied with the depth of your relationships? I am with my friendships, but I'd like to be in a romantic relationship with someone who I completely click with. 48. What do you owe yourself? Patience and kindness. 49. Based on your current day-to-day life, what do you expect to achieve in 5 years from now? Having traveled more, maybe earning more. 50. Do you say ‘yes’ too often when you really want to say ‘no’? Why? No. If it's a no, it's a no. I guess I might say yes to small things when I should have said no, but those things don't matter much. 51. What did you learn yesterday? It is possible to have a really good day doing simple things in my home town. I don't give myself these experiences enough. 52. What do you like about yourself? I am creative, kind, and hella determined. I always make the effort to understand the differences in others. 53. Would you consider yourself to be a generous person? In some ways. 54. Do you really listen when people talk to you? It depends what they are talking about. 55. What is the number one change you need to make in your life this year? Stop overthinking! 56. How many hours per week do you spend on the internet? It varies depending on what else I have to do. 57. What are your most common negative thoughts? Are they logical? He doesn't like you. You are going to open yourself up to humiliation. You are going to get hurt. I guess some are logical but mostly not. 58. Do you think it’s too late to do certain things in your life? Why? No! Who puts age limits on things these days? 59. If you could be the most influential person in the world, what would you change? No more hatred and violence. 60. How much time do you spend with your family and friends? I see my mum every day and sometimes that is too much! I see some friends more than others, and I wish it was more balanced. 61. Where do you want to be in 5 years from now? Living in my own place with the love of my life and cats. Travelling more and earning a decent amount in a job I love. 62. Is your life complicated by unnecessary things? Yes. 63. How can you simplify your life and focus on the most important things to you? I don't know. 64. What stresses you out? I stress myself out by obsessively overthinking everything all the time. 65. What makes life easier? Having people to vent to and give me advice. 66. How often do you give without expecting anything in return? Not enough. 67. What is your greatest challenge? My own brain. 68. What is most important to you in life? Are you giving it the time it deserves? Love, but I actually think I am giving it too much time. 69. If you could send a message to the world, what would you say in 30 seconds? Don't be a dick. All people are equal and religion is pointless. 70. What do you most regret never telling someone? I love you. 71. When was the last time you tried something new? I learned a better way to produce my music the other day. 72. Are you afraid to speak your own opinion? Not usually, but sometimes I choose not to because I don't think the world constantly needs to hear what I think. 73. Do you give into others too often and feel resentful because of it? Not often but sometimes. 74. Are you holding onto something that you need to put behind you? Yeah... 75. How often do you let your fears hold you back? Every damn day. 76. Do the people in your life bring the best out of you? Yes. 77. How often do you make excuses? I tend to give reasons, not excuses. 78. What is one mistake that you will never do again? Drinking alcohol. 79. Which is worse, failing or never giving it a shot? Both friggin suck tbh. 80. What has grown you the most as a person – your challenges and trials or the comfortable yet enjoyable moments in life? Challenges fo sho. 81. If you could choose to have no more challenges or obstacles in life, would you? Only if I could enjoy them. 82. In one word, what is standing between you and your biggest goal? Anxiety. 83. How often do you go to bed feeling angry? Rarely. 84. Would it be wrong to steal in order to feed a starving child? No. 85. If you paid more attention to the sad things in this world, would you feel more conflicted about it? Yeah. 86. If we learn from our failures, then why is it so bad to fail? Because is leaves you with more fears and it takes so long to recover after a fall. 87. What could you pay more attention to in life? The simple pleasures and the current moment. 88. Why do we think of others the most when they’re no longer around? Because we miss them. 89. What does it look like to make the most of your life? Doing things that make you happy. 90. What have you given up on? Friendships that were only surface level deep. 91. How many people do you truly love and what are you doing for them? Define love. 92. Do you ask enough questions, or are you happy to settle for what you already know? I don't think I ask my questions to the right people. And no I need to know everything. 93. What were you doing when you last lost track of time? Making a song. 94. Do you think you would be happy if you never had to work again? No. 95. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? 15! 96. If you could ask for one wish, what would it be? For S2 to be with me. 97. What inspires you in life? Love and beauty. 98. What can you not live without the most? Friends. 99. What do you enjoy doing over and over again? Travelling. 100. When did you last laugh so much it hurt? Yesterday at a stupid video my friend took by accident. 101. What is stopping you from living the life you want to live? Anxiety.

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mikeyd1986 · 5 years

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MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 156, May 2019

On Monday morning, I took myself to see the dentist at Casey Smiles Dental Clinic in Cranbourne. This was a very unexpected last minute appointment after the dental pain I’ve been experiencing recently was becoming more and more severe. Of course I thought that I could tackle it myself by simply throwing pain killers and mouthwash at it. WRONG! After a week of this, I had to face the music and get a professional to look at it.

I heard about Casey Smiles thanks to a post on Facebook which has been regularly popping up on my newsfeed. It’s been at least 3 years since I last visited the dentist mainly due to financial struggles and anxiety but today both of those things had to take a back seat. After filling in the new patient form, two dental assistants dressed in bright pink escorted me to the treatment room where I met my dentist Dr. Mohamed Massaud. He was tall, handsome and wore bright blue scrubs.

Sitting back in the leather dentist chair, he asked me what I needed. I really didn’t have any concrete answers for him besides the fact that I’ve had spikes of severe pain on the left side of my mouth. It sure was a strange feeling to be back at the dentist after several years but this was urgent. I got taken into another room to get an x-ray done. Here I had to stand inside a machine called an O.P.G. (Panoramic Radiograph) which is similar to an M.R.I. but for taking images of teeth.

It turned out that I’d have to get a tooth on the upper left side removed. I certainly wasn’t prepared for this and yet this wasn’t my first rodeo either. My last dentist appointment was to get one of my wisdom teeth removed. Thankfully the team made this process as relaxed and comfortable as possible. They had music playing in the background and a computer scene displayed a lovely, picturesque landscape.

Of course having numerous surgical instruments and a suction tube being shoved in your mouth isn’t exactly a pleasurable experience but I did my best to remain calm and focused. I knew this had to be done to stop myself from suffering in oral pain. There was lots of pressure, crunching and bleeding but thankfully not too much pain as I’d been strongly numbed up on the left side of my mouth.

Dr. Mohamed constantly checked in with me to make sure I was doing okay and gave me several breaks as the tooth had to be extracted in stages. Considering how much I was sweating in the chair, I did remarkably well to not freak out and bolt for the exit. For my first time being at this dental clinic, I was really satisfied with the service even in the face of my own uncertainty and doubt. Now I just have to let the area heal over the next couple of days. https://caseysmiles.com.au/dr-mohamed-massaud

On Thursday afternoon, I had an appointment with my new occupational therapist Meghan. This session, we really honed in on having more structure and organisation around my cleaning tasks. She asked me to list them in order of importance to me, set specific times during the week in which to complete each of the tasks, use some motivation boosters such as doing the tasks in the morning and playing music in the background.

I had some reservations from my previous appointment as to whether Meghan is really a good fit for me as she could come off as a beauty cosmetics consultant at times with a charming smile and a forced giggle. My biggest concern was that these sessions would be a complete waste of time for me and that Meghan wouldn’t take me seriously. But I feel like we’re finally going to be making some progress as she’s laid out some concrete actions and strategies to use before the next session.

On Friday morning, I completed the daunting and overwhelming task of dusting my bedroom. When it comes to tasks such as these, I always seem to get myself worked up, emotional and stressed out. To me, there’s a lot more going on. It’s confronting how much clutter and mess there is, how long the task will take to complete, whether I’ll be able to get it all done, whether I’ll have the energy to do it. But thankfully with the help of mum, I managed to do it. Of course there was a lot of barriers in the way for me but I still did it.

On Friday afternoon, I finished my creative writing homework exercise for Week 3. This week we had to choose an idea and work out a rough plan for a very short story of around 500 words. Then write notes on the background of the characters, locations etc. I really didn’t have much time to focus on doing this exercise but I gave it an attempt and did write at least half the story. I decided to go with “A disastrous holiday”.

SHORT STORY: A DISASTROUS HOLIDAY

Ryan, a busy corporate worker with long hours, endless deadlines and a consistently tight schedule. He wishes to escape his dead-end, stressful and demanding job by going on a relaxing holiday to Fiji.

Upon arriving at Tullamarine airport, there are massive delays and a long queue of disgruntled, impatient and irate customers demanding to know what is going on. Despite making his best endeavours, scrambling and worried that he wouldn’t make it to his gate on time, the flight ended up being cancelled anyway. There would be a lengthy wait until his next scheduled departure to Fiji. Defeated and exhausted, Ryan collapses into the nearby seat at the departure lounge.

On the flight, the plane’s engine malfunctions and one of the propellers catches fire. This triggers the emergency alarm which blares loudly. With all this commotion, Ryan suffers from a panic attack thinking that he’s going to die. A nearby flight attendant rushes to his aide and attempts to calm him down. The plane begins to tear itself apart and the passengers are forced to evacuate. Ryan finds a parachute and begins to descend slowly towards the South Pacific Ocean.

Ryan’s main objective is to find safety, survive from the plane crash and hopefully find his way home. He’s lost all his luggage and only has personal possessions on him such as wallet, keys, phone. Ryan ends up landing in New Caledonia, which is halfway between Australia and Fiji.

Ryan eventually finds help from the locals, makes contact back home in Australia and ends up being rescued. He finds that even though he’s had a disastrous holiday, he still has a lot of things to be grateful for.

NOTES·

Background of the main character/protagonist Ryan – wants to escape from his dead-end corporate job and enjoy a relaxing holiday in Fiji. Ultimately, he hopes to “find himself” by going on a personal journey like in the novel Eat. Prey.Love.·

Research into the locations, settings and disaster scenarios – I will need to look into things such as air crash investigations, how planes function and operate, emergency procedure’s used while travelling on a plane, the geography of Fiji, South Pacific Ocean, New Caledonia and nearby islands.·

The physiological and psychological changes that Ryan endures from panic attack episode to escaping from the plane and needing to be rescued. He’s literally in “survival mode” and will need to use his problem-solving skills in order to overcome this situation. ·

How will Ryan get out of this situation? Who can he contact? How will he manage his stress and anxiety levels?

On Friday night, I went to my boxing class with CinFull Fitness. I’ve had to shuffle a few things around this week due to my unexpected dental procedure but thankfully I do have some flexibility when it comes to slotting in my training sessions. Being the only male in a room full of females does present its challenges (my knowledge of babies, pregnancy and dating is pretty average at best) but it doesn’t bother me too much either. I couldn’t be further from macho and masculine in my nature and I get along with most people, even if I’m not the most social of people.

Tonight we did the usual combos and partner work plus a mini-circuit (sit-ups / plank hold knee taps, non-stop jabs into pad, step ups / step jumps / crossover lunges) and a 5 round AMRAP (10 jab crosses, 6 star jumps, 20 hooks, 4 squats / squat jumps, 10 Russian twists, 20 highs). I’m finding that my boxing technique is improving but the fatigue does kick it pretty rapidly. I know what my limits are though and when I need to take a break. It’s obviously really important to listen to my body and not overdo it when it comes to my fitness levels.

To be honest, this election has probably been the most difficult one to decide. It's true that I do vote for Labor 95% of the time. But do I completely trust opposition leader Bill Shorten and the past track record of the disastrous Rudd-Gillard-Rudd government? Not really. However, I detest everything that the Liberals / Nationals have done over the past 6 years far more.

The current PM Scott Morrison leads an unstable government who has changed leaders twice through an embarrassing and public leadership spill. Wasted millions of dollars on an unnecessary and divisive plebiscite for same-sex marriage. Have made many cuts to schools, TAFE, hospitals, medicare and penalty rates. Has lied in their recent budget about being in surplus and Australia having a "strong economy". Have not done enough to support women in parliament with MP's like Julia Banks and Kelly O'Dwyer leaving before this election.

I'm voting for Labor many because I align myself with most of their policies. Better funding for hospitals and schools. Higher wages for low and middle income earners. Restoration of penalty rates. Cleaner renewable energy. Real action on climate change. Improving the NBN. Investment in mental health services. Investment in the NDIS. More places for university and TAFE.

Bill Shorten is far from perfect but I'm willing to give him a chance considering the past 3 prime ministers have been arrogant, corrupted, untrustworthy and fake. Tony Abbott, Malcolm Turnbull and Scott Morrison have put their own agendas first and the interests of the Australian people last. Plus the entire Liberal / National party has been in a shambles with many members jumping ship before the election this month.

P.S. I did consider voting for The Greens as I do agree with SOME of their policies (renewable energy and climate change, fully funding TAFE, university and public education, introducing medicare for dental and mental health services, legalising medicinal cannabis). It's just that I align myself more strongly with Labor policies.

I've always found the white senate ballot paper to be ridiculously long and cumbersome especially in recent years with many independent parties signing up and making the sheet of paper longer and longer. It used to be so much easier to vote for, simply putting a number 1 in the box above the line.

NOW you have to choose a minimum of 6 parties to vote for above the line or 12 candidates below the line. It essentially forces you to do your research into which political parties aligns with your values and views. And which policies do you find to be the most important. Or else you just follow the How To Vote cards which is really the easy way out.

Even before I turned 18, I considered myself to be a "Leftie". Always voting for Labor, The Greens or both. But even now at 33, I consider myself dumb and uneducated at times when it comes to politics. I can get myself easily mislead by the bullshit politicians and the news media are selling, confused by complex economics and tax policies, and just not knowing who to believe anymore.

Before yesterday, I didn't even know how preferential voting works. So now I'm forcing myself to do a bit of research and give some of the smaller independent parties a go particularly in the senate. The most important things to me are healthcare, mental health, autism awareness, education, workers rights, wages, penalty rates, sustainable energy, climate change and protecting the environment.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve done a lot of research and careful consideration into each of my electorate’s candidates as well as the individual parties to see what’s important to me and where my values lie next to them. With the federal election fast approaching this Saturday, my brain has been conflicted between voting for Labor and The Greens.

Which policies do I align myself more with? It’s even harder to make a decision after watching the many interviews, debates and news stories about the major parties. Plus social media is loaded with misinformation and internet trolls trying hard to tell you who you “should” vote for. Only recently have I learned about how preferential voting works, which adds further confusion as to which way I should vote.

So here is how I’ve decided to vote in this year’s federal election:

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES (ELECTORATE OF HOLT) 1. Anthony Byrne (Australian Labor Party) 2. Jess Wheelock (The Australian Greens) 3. Jatinder Singh (United Australia Party) 4. Jennifer Van Den Broek (Liberal Party of Australia)

SENATE (VICTORIAN UPPER HOUSE) 1. The Australian Greens 2. Australian Labor Party 3. Australian Democrats 4. Australian Worker’s Party 5. Derryn Hinch’s Justice Party 6. Animal Justice Party

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observationsofanislandgirl-blog · 6 years

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dark days

FYI anyone who’s squeamish - don’t read this

Another day dawns and I should be grateful, as we all should be to wake up living and breathing. I guess I am, but it’s also swamped with a heap of other emotions. I wake up exhausted, as if the past several hours’ sleep did nothing at all. I feel sick and congested, like my breathing system isn’t working quite perfectly. I also feel nervy and cold, something which I’ve had on and off the past four or five days.

It hasn’t been a good week, at all. Constant worry and negative thoughts about illness seem to hang over the mood at home, and things aren’t feeling festive at all.

Anxiety has plagued me terribly this past few days, for one of the last reasons I ever thought about, ever. I’ve been worried - I am worried - that my current skin carries not one but two entities.

I’ve never been one of those girls who’s obsessed/paranoid about pregnancy. I like kids well enough, and have always thought that down the track, and I’m talking several years down the track, a few around would be nice, once I’m in the right situation everywhere else in life.

With that in mind, the darkness only told hold when something prompted me to wonder when on earth I’d last bled. I remember having my period in ballet class several weeks back, only because it had made me feel bad, but I couldn’t remember if I had had one subsequent. In other words, I was possibly due for one shortly, or - and this instinctively felt more likely - very overdue for one that should have happened a couple of weeks ago.

I think back to the couple of months just gone. A lot of work, some of it at night, a lot of caffeine, a lot of wine, a shit tonne of stress over various things. Not a great deal of action, either, but hey, it only takes one arrow to shoot down an eagle. Worry set in and before long I felt pretty paralysed.

Worst of all, it wasn’t something I could be open about. Living at home, I’m generally pretty open with my parents, and they’re not usually too judgemental about things. This time, however, it’s not something I can discuss right away. Mum, whose own journey with pregnancy and children was a difficult one due to health issues, is always conscious of the biological clock in those around her and has dropped hints that thirty would be the latest she would have kids, if she had her time again (methinks: sweet! Another four years to be a total idiot until I have to start behaving myself and take vitamins)

She would more than likely be happy, but also ridiculously anxious. She worries constantly about health, her own and others around her, and having a new dimension added would not be ideal right now.

Dad, on the other hand, is a different matter. He shivers at the thought of a new generation still and shakes his head at any friends or relatives who suggest or inquire about the topic with me. He’s undergoing treatment at the moment, which makes him feel quite ill some days, and this would be the absolute last thing he wants.

The other potential contributor to the current predicament is, as he is with everything in life, cheerful, detached and not worried at all. He avoids the topic at all costs, constantly asks why I’m down even though the answer is obviously the same every time, and carries on like usual. Things start falling into place in my head and I realise it’s kind of a watershed moment, forcing me to realise that this is not the life I want long-term, and this likely explains my dysphoric levels of negativity. In a negative feedback cycle, it makes things worse.

I go and see a close friend over the weekend, when it’s just the two of us at her place, and finally I can have a vent and a cry as we sit outside on the old couch, normally the spot where we and a few others spend summer afternoons smoking cigarettes, drinking cheap coffee and talking shit about our colleagues. She listens and reassures me that I’m not psychotic for feeling the way I do. Perhaps ironically, she’s in a several year old lesbian relationship and so she’s never had the exact same worries, but somewhat usefully she says that she had experienced similar physical symptoms earlier in the year that were obviously not male-related. A worry shared is a worry halved, and I leave feeling much more able to hold it together.

The afternoon is a tough one. I’ve arranged to go to my old dance studio’s Christmas recital, and I was the one who bought the tickets so I have to be there to give them to my friends. The auditorium is packed, we’re squished in near the left wall, and to my right is a gigantic old man who takes up twice the amount of human space as another person. As the endless mediocre routines unfold before us, one little child in the seat in front of me decides she’s had enough and starts fussing. This turns into sobs, which turns into outright screams. I’ve got a pounding headache, partly from the heat and poor air conditioning, partly from the wine I self-destructively drank the night before, and can’t help but pop a finger over both ears, hoping that in the darkness it just looks like I’m resting my chin in my hands. The mother notices but I don’t bother to check her reaction. I don’t care. I hate her squalling, dribbling brat. I hate all the little uncoordinated kids onstage with their head bands falling off and their shoes unlaced. Hell, I even know some of those kids, I’ve taught them, I love them dearly, they call me Mama Cat and pretend to be lions when they’re bored in class. But today, I’m in such a black place that I hate them all, simply because I’m scared that a microscopic one is sitting inside me at the same time.

Later on at home, the day catches up with me and I’m content with just relaxing in the bed out in the spare room, listening to podcasts and trying to unwind. I tell myself that if I’m just late because of stress, I’m only making things worse because I’m getting more stressed. Another, thoroughly evil voice also suggests that the more stressed, malnourished and run-down I get, the better my chances of not being, falling or staying pregnant are. This goes against so many aspects of human nature that it almost scares me, and makes me feel psychopathic, but the reality is it’s affected my behaviour. I’ve looked at the things women do when they’re trying to fall or stay pregnant, and have done the opposite, always scared that I’ll have an adverse reaction and I won’t be able to keep my secret any longer. I read that progesterone is the key hormone that keeps things in check, and that it’s the one that the early termination pill blocks. It’s also reduced by a stressful lifestyle, poor diet, caffeine and alcohol. Obviously I haven’t had my levels checked because it’s not something I’ve been planning, but I’m guessing considering the last couple of months’ activities, my progesterone levels would be diddly squat. I keep this in mind and cross my fingers as I sip a brewed coffee.

Thoughts turn over in my head for the millionth time: there’s a chance I’m not - I’ve been stressed and sleeping in irregular cycles. I’ve also upped my caffeine intake recently and additionally been indirectly exposed to chemotherapy chemicals through sharing a bathroom with Dad. All this could have contributed to a dodgy cycle, or maybe I’ve even clean forgotten that I had a period as normal and I’ll just get one next week and it’ll all be fine. Then the nasty thoughts rear their head - babies pop out unexpectedly all the time. Not everyone is trying, keeping track of days, eating healthy diets and avoiding substances, hence the bogan mums lugging their screaming spawn around. I have an old fear, a sense of a situation, perhaps from an early dream, or maybe that weird genetic memory thing they’re looking into, that one day I’ll settle down with my true soulmate and we’ll find we can’t have kids of our own. The darkness rises again and I think that maybe karma is getting revenge.

I don’t write this with the aim of creating a structured piece of work - that probably becomes obvious. I’m not even writing it with the intent of showing anyone. I simply need to get all these thoughts written down, partly to clear my head and also partly to look back on, whatever the future holds. I’m holding a lot of pain, and fear, and resentment right now, both inwards towards myself and outwards towards others for various reasons. As with any time that I’m in a difficult situation, I have a desire to run away from my own body, as well as a tendency to sleep much more than usual, I suppose since it forms a kind of escape. It sucks that this time of darkness has to happen at my favourite time of year, and also at a moment in life when I want to be enjoying every day to its fullest, but I guess that’s life in a nutshell - unpredictable.

I hope the days and weeks ahead bring more positive events and emotions, and that I learn and grow from the current situation, even if it’s something as simple as be more organised in making that one little mark on the calendar every month that reminds us all is - or isn’t - well.

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vdbstore-blog · 7 years

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New Post has been published on Vintage Designer Handbags Online | Vintage Preowned Chanel Luxury Designer Brands Bags & Accessories

New Post has been published on http://vintagedesignerhandbagsonline.com/munroe-bergdorf-on-the-loreal-racism-row-it-puzzles-me-that-my-views-are-considered-extreme-global/

Munroe Bergdorf on the L’Oréal racism row: ‘It puzzles me that my views are considered extreme’ | Global

By 8.12pm on Sunday, Munroe Bergdorf is done in. It is a week since she was announced by L’Oréal as the face of True Match, a campaign that marries makeup to social justice, and three days since she was sacked unceremoniously. A BBC 2 producer is on the phone, talking to her about an interview with Victoria Derbyshire the next morning. “It has been the worst week of my life,” she tells him, trying to deflate the tension with a laugh. Prompted to explain why it has been so bad, she reels off “the death threats, threats of rape, threats of assault, people telling me to kill myself, the general bombardment and fear that something else will happen”. She pauses, then sighs. She hasn’t left her flat in days. “The most ridiculous thing is that you call out racism and they respond with more racism. It just doesn’t make any sense.”

Bergdorf, a 30-year-old, black, queer, trans woman who models and DJs, is no stranger to abuse and ridicule. Her very existence is subversive and threatening enough to the mainstream that a trickle of racist, homophobic and transphobic bile has become par for the course in her daily life on and offline – but now it has become a torrent.

As the Daily Mail reported it on Friday, “with a dizzying fanfare, she was brought in as the ‘face of modern diversity’. But days after she was announced as L’Oréal’s first transgender model, Munroe Bergdorf launched an extraordinary rant declaring all white people racist”. The story went viral, reported everywhere from Al-Jazeera to the New York Times.

“I’m trying to think of the best ways to get across what I actually said,” she tells me, over a picnic of French fries and apple Tango at her kitchen table.

Bergdof (left) DJing with Lina Bradford (centre) and Yasmine Petty in New York last November. Photograph: Drummond/BFA/Rex/Shutterstock

She explains that, the morning after the rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, where an anti-racist protester was killed by a white supremacist, she wrote a Facebook post in response to that event. “It was an epic three-parter about how racism is a social structure and how, if this is the case, what can you do to combat racism?” She says the post was deleted by Facebook for breaching its terms on hate speech; the racist, transphobic comments made about Bergdorf, however, were left up. (A Facebook representative said: “We haven’t yet got to the bottom of what happened to Munroe’s post”, but “we are looking into it.”) The post was then filleted for its most incendiary lines: “Most of ya’ll don’t even realise or refuse to acknowledge that your existence, privilege and success as a race is built on the backs, blood and death of people of colour,” she wrote. “Your entire existence is drenched in racism. From micro-aggressions to terrorism, you built the blueprint for this shit. Come see me when you realise racism isn’t learned, it’s inherited and consciously or unconsciously passed down through privilege. Once white people begin to admit their race is the most violent and oppressive force of nature on Earth … then we can talk.”

Unsurprisingly, Bergdorf made some people uncomfortable, made some people cheer and pissed off many others, including her mother, who is white and reads the Daily Mail. “That was an awful conversation. I’m half-white. My mum thought I was lumping her in with everyone, but this isn’t about individuals. To understand my point, you have to take yourself out of the conversation – it’s not about you – and truly think about society, structurally, economically, as a whole.”

But isn’t that the trouble? Lots of people won’t and don’t understand. Not everyone reads Frantz Fanon and Patricia Hill Collins for kicks – academic theory will only go so far in convincing the average person on an average street that institutionalised, systemic racism is just as damaging as a violent, racist attack.

“I don’t regret what I said,” she says, calmly. “I’m an activist. Being an activist means calling people out, not just saying what everyone else is saying and what everyone else wants to think and upholding the common consensus. L’Oréal knew that when they hired me.”

Bergdorf on ITV’s Good Morning Britain with Piers Morgan and Susanna Reid. Photograph: Ken McKay/ITV/Rex/Shutterstock

This isn’t provocation for provocation’s sake; Bergdorf knows there is no time to pussyfoot until everyone else catches up.

“I can wholeheartedly say that the dictionary definition of racism was written a very long time ago and not by a person of colour. It doesn’t allow us to have a conversation about modern-day racism. If you’re not aware of it, then make yourself aware of it. Racism isn’t just calling someone something, it’s a whole system. If you think we live in an equal society, you’re living in a daydream. You need to recognise that there is such a thing as white privilege and you can be homeless and still have white privilege, because you can still have a better chance of getting out of homelessness than a person of colour in the same position.”

Isn’t the problem that the language is outmoded? It’s hard to get people on board when “racist” is a loaded catch-all umbrella to describe everything from unconscious biases in the workplace to US neo-Nazis.

“We do have the language,” she says, “but it needs to be out there: unlearning, microaggressions, being complicit, unconscious bias, privilege – these need to be taught, we need to address why syllabuses only teach white history, we need to speak about slavery and the brutality of colonialism.”

Bergdorf’s speaking voice is an even-handed murmur; she pauses occasionally, apologising for what feel like rocks in her throat. Someone she knew from university, she says, sold the story to the Daily Mail and bragged about it.

She deliberately hasn’t seen friends or family since the story broke because “I need to deal with it without being told constantly ‘It’s going to be OK’, when who knows if it will be.” Her flatmate has been around and friends have rallied, but, for the most part, she has been managing alone, without an agent or a PR. She has four upcoming campaigns this year; three of her clients have yet to call her to confirm that is still the case. It is irrelevant, she says, because her principles will always come first.

“My body has always been political – the way people respond to my body has always been political, whether or not it was about gender or race,” she says. “I grew up in a white-majority area on the borders of Hertfordshire and Essex … but I’m mindful of my parents and giving too much away; they’re really worried.” She had a solidly middle-class upbringing, with one younger brother who is “straight and super woke and the first person I called”. Her dad is Jamaican and her mum is white English. “Dad was tough on me growing up as a very effeminate boy, but we’re very close now. Mum is feisty and super successful, heading up PR for a financial company.”

‘Dad was tough on me growing up as a very effeminate boy, but we’re very close now’ … Munroe Bergdorf. Photograph: Teri Pengilley for the Guardian

Bergdorf was horribly bullied at her all-boys school and beaten up. She says the loneliness she felt through her teenage years was intense. “I lived in my own head and in make-believe. I was obsessed with Cyndi Lauper – I still am. She gave me a lot of strength: that quote ‘On my darkest days I wear my brightest clothes’ is still true for me.” We laugh – today she is wearing sombre, black tights and a grey marl top; understandably, she is not ready for dressing up. “The mornings have been the worst, as my anxiety has been super high and it’s difficult to get up.” She shows me pages of abusive social media screenshots. “I didn’t get out of bed till 1pm today.” Isn’t it a form of self-harm, to put herself through it? “No, I need to know what’s going on so I can feel in control. And I’m resilient: I worked hard at it.”

Bergdorf studied English at the University of Brighton. “I guess I was genderqueer, but there weren’t really the words to express my identity – I just started wearing makeup and heels.” A three-year career in fashion PR followed university before she “crashed and burned”. When she decided to transition at 24, she also learned how to DJ so “I could be myself, self-care and make money. Needing that time and space to yourself is why a lot of trans girls fall into sex work, because the process is expensive and the money is reliable”. She sighs. “Trans women of colour are being killed at an alarming rate.” When she was transitioning, she says the average life expectancy for a trans woman like her was 30. “At the time, I thought: ‘That’s only a few years. I should be speaking about this.’”

Bergdorf was raped during the period she was transitioning; she reported it to the police, but the attacker was never found. She took even more strongly to activism. “It wasn’t just standing up for rights that were my own,” she explains. “Islamophobia, antisemitism, anything I saw that I didn’t think was right, I would protest or post. I think that’s the stance everyone should take: if white people protested and worked to dismantle racism … I would have loved to have seen the reaction around Brexit from liberals with racism. If people rallied around issues that don’t affect them as well ones that do, we’d be getting shit done.”

Bergdorf built an audience – and influence – within the LGBT community, partially through DJing. “It was the best investment. I was 25, got loads of gigs and it felt like it was what I was always meant to do. I had a lot of fun. I was a complete wild child and went off the rails and did all that rock star shit.”

Despite cabin fever, and stressful breaks to deal with her buzzing phone, Bergdorf is warm, smart and charming; on meeting her, you can understand how she has made the connections that have built her career. A shoot for a couture Lebanese Muslim collection was her first modelling gig; campaigns with Illamasqua and Boy London followed.

She was shopping on Thursday afternoon when L’Oréal called her about the story the Daily Mail said it was going to publish. “I kept explaining the context and the full post and they wouldn’t listen. They said not to go out and not to talk to anyone.” In a statement, L’Oréal said, without irony, that it “supports diversity and tolerance towards all people irrespective of their race, background, gender and religion … we are proud of the diversity of the ambassadors who represent this campaign. We believe that the recent comments by … Munroe Bergdorf are at odds with those values and as such we have taken the decision to end the partnership with her.”

L’Oréal’s key ambassador, Cheryl Cole, was found guilty of assault for beating up a black nightclub toilet attendant, but evidently that doesn’t conflict with the company’s policies. (Cole was cleared of racially aggravated assault.) Clara Amfo, a Radio 1 DJ and a L’Oréal True Match ambassador, quit the campaign in solidarity with Bergdorf, partially in protest at the hypocrisy of the situation.

“It puzzles me that my views are considered out of touch and extreme,” says Bergdorf. But it is an argument from which she can’t run. “I said no three times to Good Morning Britain,” she says. “But then I thought: ‘This is what you’re meant to be doing and this is a conversation that needs to be had. A lot of people are relying on you.” On Monday morning, her conversation with Piers Morgan goes as we discussed it would the evening before: Morgan asks if he is racist, says he is offended at being considered racist or sexist and shuts down Bergdorf. “The split between support and hatred has been about 50/50,” she says later that day. “On the one hand, it’s amazing, but it is horrible and awful to think that people hate me.”

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charlottebent-blog · 7 years

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An Invisible Presence

Despite the fact I was diagnosed with anorexia in February, I was yet to actually research it as: 1) I thought I knew everything I needed to know about it and 2) if there was anything I didn’t know about it, I probably didn’t want to know (i.e. to what extent I’m destroying my insides). However, in an attempt to stay immobile (seen as the clinic are now addressing exercise as Satan himself) I decided to have a cheeky google (cheeky in a curious way, not pervy).

Initially, I came across lots of statistics about how it has the highest mortality and suicide rate of any psychiatric illness. Sadly, this was the least negative out of what I encountered on my search. I was most disturbed by two documentaries I came across. The first was about an eating disorder hospital ward and with the prospect of hospital becoming more likely, I was interested to see how it works. The devastating thing was that this was a ward for children. Children ten years younger than me having to go through the same crap, as if growing up wasn’t difficult enough. What’s worse is that these unfortunate children had accepted anorexia as a way of life. I was able to relate to their thoughts, their habits and attitudes. I felt fear for them as they were made to eat hearty meals, with their sleeves rolled up to prove they weren’t hiding food. As I picture myself in their position I can feel anxiety flooding every fibre in my body. Having no control over food or exercise or meal times. To describe it as hell on Earth would be an enormous understatement.

Ridiculously agitated, I move onto another documentary called ‘Anorexia: Being Too Thin’. Based on people who are pro-anorexics, it was infuriating to watch. These highly moronic individuals believe that anorexia is a lifestyle choice, not a disease. Wrong. You don’t choose to look in the mirror and see nothing but a living lump of lard. You don’t choose to not eat fatty foods. You don’t choose to wake up one morning and say 'hey, today I’m going to give myself a mental disorder’. You don’t choose to have sleepless nights worrying about breakfast in the morning. You don’t choose anything. Anorexia chooses you. No one in their right mind would choose to be in this condition; an existence of starvation, fear and unhappiness. No one deserves to have this defect (with the exception of Hitler, and perhaps Josef Fritzl). What angered me most is that there are actually people out there who strive to have this condition, whilst children suffering with it wish for anything but. Their future crumbling before their eyes, caused by a disorder so incomprehensible there is no cure.

By no means am I saying that these pro-anorexics don’t have an eating disorder, more that they use this term as a means of denial, as if to say 'yes I’m mental, but I chose this therefore I’m still in control’. In reality they have less control than ever.

People are shallow. Matter of fact is beauty is important (to some people more than others). You’re told not to judge a book by its cover. But, the world doesn’t judge you by your insides. Your body is your blurb. It’s rare that you’d get a compliment on your personality, over your body image and I believe this is one of many reasons for eating disorders. Being fat doesn’t mean you’re ugly. Wearing glasses doesn’t make you a nerd. Yet the media constantly portray dieting and toned bikini bodies to be positive. I challenge you to find one showbiz magazine that doesn’t mention weight loss. You won’t. And then people wonder why children (at an age where they should be playing hopscotch or riding their bikes to the park) are worried about hips they haven’t even developed yet.

When I first began to lose weight it wasn’t intentional, I just aimed to lose some of the accumulated tummy fat I had gained in my first year of university (due to a balanced diet of: smiley faces, oreos and vodka). People began to make comments saying I looked healthy and well, so I continued. The problem with this defect is that it doesn’t tell you when to stop. Anorexia (or as my Mum has recently named her Shanna - don’t ask, it’s hard to believe my Mum is more mentally stable than me) pushes you to try harder, achieve more. The voice in your head is a parasite, it grows into you, and becomes so familiar that it’s no longer a matter of will power to resist food, it’s instinct. You’re naturally inclined to say no. My Nana asked me the other day 'how do you make a chocolate cake and not even sneak a try?’ I simply answered 'anorexia’. She makes unconscious decisions for you. Ironically, you have no control over something you tried to control too much.

People say I look too thin and frail, I often think, well if it was that bad I would see it. However, if a doctor said you had a tumour on your brain, would you wait until you grew a second head before you believed them? No. Shanna is a devious bitch, with an invisible presence, disguised to the sufferer. She makes me think people are trying to feed me up, make me fatter, not better.

I have just one wish (unlike that greedy bitch Cinderella). I wish that I could see it. I wish I could look in the mirror and see what they see. Then maybe I could beat this once and for all.

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mikeyd1986 · 6 years

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MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 102, May 2018

On Monday morning, I went to see my GP, Dr. Mah Mah Thet, to check my blood test results from last week. Of course being a Monday morning, the waiting area at Narre Gate Medical Center was packed to the rafters with kids, parents and others. Plus the receptionist informed me that Dr. Mah Mah won’t be coming in until 11am. Yep here comes an hour’s long wait. But I figured this was pretty important. She told me that my LDL (Low Density Lipoprotein) cholesterol levels were at 3.9 which is a borderline result. Ideal level is 2.0 or lower. https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/cholesterol

More concerning was my blood glucose result was slightly above normal range and recommended that I do a Glucose Tolerance Test (GTT) to rule out any diagnosis of diabetes. It worries me because I have a family history of diabetes and I really want to do everything possible to not be diagnosed with it myself. Plus 32 years old is far too young to be dealing with that. I just need to be more mindful about what I’m eating and try to cut back on foods with a high sugar content. I also have to be careful about using “Dr. Google” and not allowing it to overthink any medical issues I might be having. https://www.bodyandsoul.com.au/health/health-advice/a-guide-to-blood-sugar-levels/news-story/c0d778784d8860916a100aa30686bc93

On Monday night, I went to my RPM class with Claire at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. It’s never a good sign when you start yawning the moment you walk into cycle studio but despite my weariness, I actually found some unexpected energy tonight. I went really hard especially during the sprinting tracks and uphill sections. I think my stagnate weight loss results gave me a boost of motivation tonight. That I’m determined to shred those kilos and no longer be overweight. And it felt awesome! https://www.lesmills.com.au/rpm

Tonight our instructor Claire played tracks from release number 71 which includes Broken Arrows by Avicii, Saturday Night Gave Me Sunday Morning by Bon Jovi, Lost & Found by Ellie Goulding and Adventure of a Lifetime by Coldplay. It’s a really good mix of upbeat pop-rock tracks and dance anthems, making the class more enjoyable and fun. I’ve had a few sessions with Claire now. Initially I found her style a bit bland and wooden but she’s slowly growing on me. She also uses the word “team” a lot which is a good positive motivator.

On Tuesday morning, Mum and I joined our local walking group at Balla Balla Community Centre in Cranbourne East. An advertisement that I heard on the radio by the Heart Foundation was the catalyst for getting back into it again. Walking is not only a really good form of exercise but it also helps reduce stress and anxiety, makes you feel more connected to nature and socially with other people, helps to lower the risk of health conditions such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, stroke, arthritis.

Considering how unusually hazy and polluted the air seemed to be this morning, we decided to only go for a shorter walk this morning. But 20-30 minutes of walking is better than nothing at all. I’ve also been considering a few different walking groups in my local area such as Narre Warren, Berwick and Clyde North. http://walking.heartfoundation.org.au/

On Tuesday night, I had my YardSTRONG (Strongman) session at The Yard Strength & Fitness in Pakenham. Tonight’s session was tough for a multitude of reasons: learning new movements (Zercher Squats, Keg Carries), struggling with fatigue and pain through my lower back (30 seconds of Deadlifts plus a Deadlift Carry), the mental challenge (Workout), constantly losing grip through my hands (Farmer’s Carries). And yet I still overcame it all. https://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/zercher-squats

Rodney Millar and I had to do a 21 minute EMOTM (Every Minute On The Minute) workout consisting of: Keg Carries (15kg), Farmer’s Carries and Dead Ball Carries (30kg). There was a lot going on for me both physically and mentally. My mind was protesting “How the fuck am I going to get through this workout?” not even halfway into it. I had a chalk up my hands a lot due to how sweaty I was getting. I found myself dropping the weights more frequently as the fatigue hit me hard in the second half of the workout. http://www.ironrevolution.com.au/training/strongman-carries-for-the-win/

Both Mandi and Rodney did provide lots of motivation and support to keep going and not give up. There were moments where I wanted to stop due to how exhausted I was feeling. Rodney wanted me to scream out loud or perhaps even throw that metal keg at the wall out of frustration (not really!). But that’s not the way I deal with my emotions. Still I appreciated their help in getting me across the finish line. Lifting heavy objects especially when they’re awkward to hold is not easy but there’s a great sense of achievement from doing it. https://www.facebook.com/TheYardStrengthandFitness/

On Thursday afternoon, I had my counselling appointment with Ruth at Piece Together Counselling in Narre Warren. I seem to always have initial nerves before seeing my counselor but once I’m sitting on that sofa, I already feel more relaxed. It felt liberating to talk about sensitive subjects like weight loss and body image issues, work-related stress and anxiety, family relationship issues, finding friends and fitting in socially.

A recent discussion on Facebook around diet and nutrition really blew up in my face. While I wanted encouragement and support, I ended up receiving some harsh judgmental comments about what I “should” be eating, what diet I “should” be on and that I “should” be counting calories and macros. And also the implication that I’m not eating healthy enough. That was the thing that really fired me up emotionally.

The comments came off as insulting. I’ve been overweight for at least 13 years so it’s not as simple as whipping out the magic wand to reverse all of that weight gain. Some people were making suggestions as if it’s easy to make these changes and that really pissed me off. I’ve hated the way I’ve looked in the mirror for years. The flabby, disgusting rolls of fat around my belly, chest, thighs, arms, legs. It’s tough to not feel depressed about how my body looks.

Considering I’ve spent the last two years or so making important lifestyle changes such as cutting out soft drinks and energy drinks, drinking more water, eating more fruit, vegetables, nuts, proteins, bread, rice etc. Joining a gym, exercising 2-3 times per week. I’ve been working my ass off in the gym and trying hard to make more sensible eating decisions. Of course I’ll still eat a sausage roll or a slice of cake now and then and I have slipped off and overindulged at times when it comes to food. Nobody’s perfect.

Ruth has always been incredibly supportive and direct with her opinions and advice. Building a couple of strong friendships is a really important goal that I need to start working on. It’s something that keeps continuing to crop up in my mind...wishing that I had friends to hang out socially with. It feels like a missing puzzle piece in my life, making it more likely for me to feel socially isolated and lonely. But it takes time, effort and patience to find people I truly connect with, who truly get me. https://www.piecetogethercousellingnarrewarren.org/

On Thursday night, I went to my first Handstands & Strength yoga class with Aaron Petty and Christian Reid at Level Up Yoga in Berwick. Over the past 12 months, I’ve been alternating between several yoga studios like Body Yoga and Just Be Yoga & Meditation. But in the past month, I’ve been gravitating more towards Level Up. The studio space is much smaller but there’s generally lower attendance and that makes me feel a lot more comfortable being there. All the students are chilled out, nice and accepting.

I have to admit that I was a little daunted attending a handstands class considering it’s an area I’ve had a lot of difficulty with. My attitude towards them however has taken a dramatic shift as I was willing to give everything Aaron said to me a go. In the past, I would have put it in the too hard basket and bolted. There are still plenty of obstacles that I’m working through. There’s the physical (shaking, sweating, nausea, light headedness, sudden blood rush) and the mental (anxiety, fear, self doubt). It’s all about allowing the body to adjust and being able to conquer those fears.

I was actually really happy with my progress tonight. We did a lot of strength drills including Down Dog Kick Ups, Plank to Pike (on the gym ball), Core Activation, Core Holds and Releases. I was using the wall tonight for support with my handstands, from Downward Facing Dog into the wall, an L-shaped Handstand and slowly working up to a Full Inversion. It takes a lot of strength, energy and muscle activation in order to come into and hold a handstand but I was able to do this a few times. https://www.doyouyoga.com/a-beginners-guide-to-handstand-98587/

I feel like I’m slowly getting my confidence back not only with my fitness but socially also. I was speaking up a little more and feeling much more comfortable chatting and laughing with Aaron and Christian. I was made to feel included, even having some tea before the class started. I’ve always been a slow to warm up to kind of person but eventually I do open up and allow my high-security guard to come down. It’s about building trust and being able to let people in. One step at a time. https://www.aaronpetty.com/

“Always had a fear of being typical. Looking at my body feeling miserable. Always hanging on to the visual. I wanna be invisible. Whatever it takes ‘cause I love the adrenaline in my veins. I do whatever it takes ‘cause I love how it feels when I break the chains. Working hard on something that I'm proud of, out of the box. An epoxy to the world and the vision we've lost.” Imagine Dragons - Whatever It Takes (2017)

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