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#why does it feel like my life has been sucked out of me today? it can't just me the amount of interaction im sure that's not it.

aaagustd · 9 months

Text

and my man, thank you to my man | jjk

pairing: dealer!jeon jungkook x (f)reader

genre/rating: smut, mature/explicit

warnings: he’s not her sugar daddy but… he pays her bills, fingering, p*ssy eatting, slight Dom/sub undertones, begging, denied orgasms, jungkook is a dealer so there's some stuff about that, hating a** roommate, most of this is a flashback

wc: 757

release date: july 29th, 2023; 10:38 pm est

note: not edited bc i’m kinda trashy tonight lol. this is based on the latto meme/tik tok from her speech. “and my man, thank you to my man” lol. yeah, that one. anyway, another cute relationship drabble from me before i slip into my real writing style. honestly, these are just practice for me lol. div cr.

series m.list | main m.list | ao3 version

“Wow. A new MacBook?”

With an eye roll, you brush off your roommate’s obnoxious teasing. Every time Jungkook buys you something she can’t wait to bring up that you’re fucking your weed man.

“Yup,” is all you reply.

But today she’s just got it out for you.

“Hm, how long were you on your knees for that one?” she smirks.

Instead of getting mad, you take a break from your work and sit back on the couch, gracing her with a mischievous smile. She has no idea how far off she actually is.

“You taste better when you’re desperate.”

Jungkook moans his words into your pussy, edging you closer to a long-awaited orgasm.

Your hands fist strands of his wavy hair, hanging on for your dear life as he continues to mercilessly sucks your pulsing clit.

“Fuck. Please let me cum. I can’t—”

Jungkook chuckles as he lifts his head.

“You can cum, but you know what you have to give me first.”

Your withers and contorts within his hold, his strong arms pinning you down so you can’t run from him.

“Come on, baby. You can do it,” he coaxes.

There’s nothing sweet or innocent in his tone. It’s all driven by the eagerness to break you. Your stubbornness has always been his pet peeve, and he knows that you’re willing to lay here and suffer than give him what he wants.

“This isn’t fair!”

Your cries mean nothing to him as he teases you until you reach your peak, only to let the momentum fade away. Sweat begins to form on your skin, and your body begins to tremble with need. You’re close to giving in, but you still hold on with everything you have.

“Shit, Jungkook! Don’t you get tired?”

“Fucking right,” he scoffs. “Tired of your bullshit.”

You can feel his fingers tracing your slit, indicating your impending defeat. Once they slip into your pussy, he’ll control you like a puppet.

“Fuck,” you sob.

He shushes you, then dips his digits inside of you.

“I know, baby. Just let go. It’ll be alright,” he whispers.

Those words paired with the pads of his fingertips touching your spot leave you mumbling a breathless mess.

No longer caring about your pride — tears rolling down your cheeks — you utter the words he’s been expecting since earlier.

“I’m sorry!” you confess. “I should have told you.”

You can smell the satisfaction emitting from his body when he hears you speak. Only then does he take you to the finish line. Your body is taken over by a wave of hot pleasure, freezing your body where it lies on the messy sheets.

Jungkook praises your submission, and licks your sensitive cunt until there’s not a drop of arousal left over. Kissing his way up your exhausted body, he smiles as he reaches your lips.

“Was that so hard?” he teases.

“Shut up.”

When he lies beside you, you roll over and allow him to wrap his arms around you. He rests his chin on top of your head while he talks to you.

“Why are you scared to ask me for stuff?”

You shrug. “It’s not as easy as you put it.”

“I’m not the kind of guy that fucks you and leaves you to fend for yourself. The sooner you realize that the better, baby.”

“I know. It’s just taking me a while to get used to that,” you express.

“It’s all good. I just gotta do a better job at making you see how serious I am about you.”

But he didn’t need to. You understood once he said it.

You can tell by his approach that it’s not about throwing money around. He does small things like checking your car for anything weird, asking about your day and actually allowing you to vent, and just being there mentally and emotionally; along with physically.

Nobody is there for you like he is. He doesn’t just come in and fix the problem, he helps you figure it out and if you need help he offers.

He’s been to hell and back with you dealing with your old laptop, and he finally gave up on it yesterday. So no, you didn’t spend a second on your knees for it. But you will be on your knees tonight.

Your poor miserable roommate will just have to rub her sour pussy to the sound of Jungkook getting his dick swallowed.

“I’m glad you reminded me about that,” you beam. “He’s coming over tonight. I need to thank him for my gift.”

#jungkook x reader #jungkook fanfic #jungkook smut #bts x reader #bts fanfic #bts smut #bts fics #jungkook fics #jungkook imagines #bts imagines #jeon jungkook smut #jeon jungkook fanfic #aaagustd.fics

6K notes · View notes

cutielando · 2 months

Text

goals ~ oscar piastri

instagram au

synopsis: Oscar and Y/N's relationship is everyone's favorite, the fans saying they crave a relationship like theirs.

my masterlist

♡♡♡♡♡

liked by landonorris, mclaren and 2,194,572 others

yourusername life lately 🩷 tagged: oscarpiastri

view all 391,724 comments

oscarpiastri ❤️

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lilymhe ❤️❤️❤️

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yourusername i'm going to do my best to attend them all !! even though Oscar has offered to make me a full-time WAG, i do love my job haha

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landonorris you're welcome, btw

oscarpiastri for what?

landonorris i took all of these pictures when i was third-wheeling with your asses 😒

yourusername sounds like a you problem

landonorris you always bully me 😔

yourusername sucks to suck

user5 seeing Y/N and Lando bicker like siblings is my favorite thing 😭

user4 fr, they get along so well and i'm sure it's making Oscar's experience more enjoyable and easier because of that

user3 it's amazing to see how much she supports him though

user4 i know, she's been with him for a long time. it’s cute to see how proud she is of him 🥹

liked by yourusername, nicolepiastri and 1,824,715 others

oscarpiastri back to work, always with me💗 tagged: yourusername

view all 417,583 comments

yourusername always ❤️

oscarpiastri ❤️

landonorris wasn’t i third-wheeling enough during the break?

yourusername you’re the one tagging along

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landonorris …i don’t know

nicolepiastri ❤️my beautiful son

oscarpiastri i miss you mum 🧡

nicolepiastri we’ll see you soon ❤️❤️

user1 i dream of having a relationship like their when i grow up 😩😩

user2 their love makes me believe in fairytales 💗💗

user3 how long have they been together?

user2 close to 3 years. they are childhood best friends as far as i know

user3 ooh, thank you. i was just wondering because they seem very happy together ❤️

logansargeant you never pay attention to me when she’s with you😭

oscarpiastri that’s not true

yourusername i’m just too cool 😎

logansargeant i don’t know about that

oscarpiastri watch it😠

yourusername my knight in shining armor 😩💗

alex_albon are you trying to be aesthetic?

yourusername we’re not trying, we already are

oscarpiastri i’m surprised you know what that is

alex_albon haha, funny

user4 forever thankful for these 2 🥲❤️❤️

user5 i want someone to love me like Oscar loves Y/N 😩😩😩🧡🧡🧡

user6 they are goals 🥹🥹🥲

yourusername has added to their story

seen by 98K

caption: my outfit for today’s race 🧡

liked by landonorris, mclaren and 1,927,481 others

yourusername proud doesn't even begin to describe how i feel 🧡 tagged: oscarpiastri

view all 471,824 comments

oscarpiastri you were my lucky charm, couldn't have done it without you 🧡

yourusername you're gonna make me cry baby 😭😭😭😭

yourusername i love you so much🩷🩷🩷

oscarpiastri i love you more❤️

landonorris i was on the podium as well :(

yourusername i congratulated you too 🥹

landonorris but why does he get special treatment?

yourusername because he's my boyfriend...?

oscarpiastri watch it, mate

landonorris i was just saying :/

nicolepiastri 🧡🧡🧡🧡 liked by yourusername and oscarpiastri

user1 he did so well for her 😭😭🧡

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user3 the way he looked at her when he was on the podium >>>

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georgerussell63 well done, mate! well deserved💪🏻

oscarpiastri thanks, george!

logansargeant making the Aussies proud, I see

yourusername he never disappoints

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mclaren proud of you, Oscar! what a stellar weekend! 🧡

yourusername i love you, admin 🥹🧡

mclaren ilyt😉😉

oscarpiastri should i be concerned…?

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yourusername 😒

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francisca.cgomes we stole the show

alex_albon ...

pierregasly ...

oscarpiastri ...

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liked by yourusername, nicolepiastri and 3,018,472 others

oscarpiastri we celebrated in style last night tagged: yourusername

view all 724,019 comments

yourusername yes we did 🥵🥵

oscarpiastri 😘🫶🏻

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yourusername you know i had no choice

mclaren you’re not making our job any easier, y/n - PR

yourusername ooops 🤭

user1 Oscar is wilding man 😭😭

user2 this is the dirtiest post we’re gonna get from him and i’m here for it 💀

oscaaaaahpastry not y/n being scolded by McLaren 💀💀💀😭

lando.norrriiiiizzxxx imagine the PR nightmare she causes behind closed doors we don’t get to see 😭

user3 she’s a menace and i’m here for it 😉😉

user4 we love seeing Oscar being dirty 😩😩

yourusername same

user5 😭😭

user6 she is so unhinged and i love it 😭😭

landonorris atta boy

mclaren Lando, please, don’t make it worse 😭

oscarpiastri 🫢🤭

yourusername we’re sorry, McLaren admin :(

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yourusername no, we’re not

oscarpiastri we’re really not

maxverstappen1 these photos aren’t doing the night any justice…

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oscarpiastri you weren’t any better, shut up

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808 notes · View notes

sohnric · 3 months

Text

to. my first – k. sunwoo

pairing: kim sunwoo x fem! reader

genre: 90s au. twenty-five twenty-one au, friends to lovers au, exes to lovers au. fluff, slice of life, coming of age, suggestive. highschool au, football player! sunwoo, baker! sunwoo. cheerleader! reader. first love au. what we call wet cat sunwoo. meeting your ex after years and falling back in love with him kind of thing.

warnings: alcohol, throwing up, swearing, reader has hair long enough for a ponytail, a heated make out session or two that alludes to them having sex but no actual smut happens, finger sucking, the reader moping around a lot, no plot just vibes.

word count: 31k

a/n: inspired by me telling @/csenke that sunwoo is my first love. why am i so soft for this man i truly dont know... thank you best friend for betaing this monster i appreciate it a LOT! also thank you to sana @/heemingyu and izzy @/from-izzy for the help on some parts of the fic and brainstorming the ending w me, as well as beta reading small parts of this.

spin-off to my fic millennium bug because sunwoo deserves love too! the reader from eric's fic is referenced to as MB!Y/N in this. you don't have to read the first fic to understand this one, but there are a lot of references in this and i highly encourage you to do so!

they say you never forget about your first love. you guess that's true. (or– a story about reckless love, first kisses, growing up, ambition, and inevitably, failure.)

August 2007

The laughter all around is electric. The music playing in the background makes you sway and hum to the melody, the familiar tunes making your insides light up with a different sense of nostalgia when you remember the times in which these songs were popular. Your tired limbs make you cut your way through the room and sit down on a vacant chair, not really caring about where your designated seat was anymore, just needing to rest for a second before you either throw up from exhaustion or faint from how tired your legs are from all the dancing. Paying a quick goodbye to Juyeon on the dance floor, you heave out a satisfied sigh when your bottom meets the cushioned seat of the chair, eyes zeroing on the filled dance floor.

Feeling a cramp in your foot, you scowl and lean down, ready to do the thing you’ve been desiring for at least the last three hours– if not the whole day. Hands playing with the strap on your heel, you make the shoe come undone before you slip the uncomfortable footwear off your feet, relaxing when your naked limbs meet with the cold tile on the floor.

You don’t really know who in their right mind would have a wedding in the middle of the summer heat, but you guess there are people that are out of their mind like that– and those people are your friends from high school.

Everything about coming back to your hometown has made you feel unpleasantly nostalgic so far– the streets haven’t changed a bit, your childhood home still looks just the same, furniture unmoved, and the air is still as crisp, yet humid as it always was during late August. It’s only tonight that finally makes the weird bittersweetness turn into joy. You’re back home with everyone you’ve ever known, with everyone who’s made you into who you are today. You’re seeing all their faces for the first time in ages– and frankly, it does feel good.

The satisfaction in your veins stays for a bit until a figure dressed in a suit comes into your point of view. It’s not like you’re seeing him for the first time tonight– he’s a big character, even when it comes to this wedding, so it’s hard to not notice him– but as his legs take him towards you in a wobbly nature, it dawns on you that now is maybe finally the time you get to talk to him. Don’t get me wrong– there are no hard feelings between the two of you (or at least you don’t have any, you’re not so sure about his side of the story). It’s just that seeing him dressed in a tux, tie now a little loose around his neck, the twinkle in his eye still present as back when you were both a lot younger, there’s still a strong aftertaste of your feelings towards him somewhere on the tip of your tongue.

His walk is a little lopsided as he grins at you and takes a seat on the vacant chair next to yours, a huff of air escaping his lungs as his body relaxes, limbs falling freely down the sides of his chair. His cheeks are a little red and his hair a little messy– there’s only so much to explain his composure apart from all the dancing he’s done.

“So I see that you still can’t handle your liquor well even after all those years?” you joke, making the boy turn his head to face you, an amused twinkle appearing in his smile.

His eyes are still the same chocolate orbs you know, still the same soft look adorning them whenever he feels particularly ecstatic. He shrugs, jolting his bottom lip out before he sighs to himself. “Well, it’s not every day you are the best man at your best friend’s and your sister’s wedding,” he muses, shrugging.

Laughing at his remark, once again taking in the state of the room– Juyeon, Hyunjae and Haknyeon each dancing somewhere in the middle of the dance floor, MB!Y/N’s friends from university twirling her around in the right corner, Eric staring at the bride with a warm gaze in his eyes, sipping on a drink while resting against one of the tables, clearly taking a mental image to look at every time he feels the need to– it all feels kind of surreal. Who would’ve thought all those years ago that it would end like this?

Well, Eric Sohn, for starters. He confessed to everyone in his wedding speech that he knew he wanted to marry MB!Y/N the moment she kissed him on New Year’s Eve of 1999– him being this cheesy was only acceptable because it was his own wedding. In any other circumstance, Sunwoo wouldn’t be able to let his best friend live this down.

It’s not like you ever expected those two to break up– it just makes you a little in awe at how fast time is passing. “It’s kinda crazy, isn’t it?” you hum, squinting at the flood of people on the dance floor.

“It is,” Sunwoo hums, tonguing the inside of his cheek, “still can’t believe they’re dating. Hell, they’re getting married right now…”

“You can’t believe your sister is dating your best friend?” you laugh, wiping the sweat that’s accumulated off your forehead, the mist appearing there both because of your reckless dancing and because of the unbearable heat of the August night.

“That, and also the other way around,” he hisses, “but I guess they’re both so insufferable that they go well together, so I don’t know why I’m still so surprised.”

Chuckling at his comment– you guess the bond he has with his sister is never to be changed, no matter how many years have passed– you watch as he shrugs off his suit jacket and throws it over the back of his chair, starting to roll up his sleeves to expose his forearms. Eyes following his motions, you clear your throat and force yourself to look back into his eyes when he asks you a question. “What about you, though? Are you enjoying yourself?”

“I am,” you nod, no hesitation, “it’s really nice to see all of you after so long. Plus, I’m having a lot of fun, so that’s a nice bonus."

“I can see that,” he grins, “by the way you sat on my seat just now, and all–”

“Oh god– I’m sorry,” you gasp, suddenly feeling a little silly. And here you thought he went up to you because he wanted to catch up… “I’ll move, if–”

The sound of Sunwoo’s hearty laugh lands into your ear– it’s just the same as it was back when you were both high schoolers, making your heart soar– before he shakes his head and urges you to stay with a motion of his hand, putting his large palm on your thigh to keep you from moving. “No, no, don’t be stupid,” he says, “I don’t mind. I was looking for you anyway, so you just made it easier for me by sitting here, actually.”

He was looking for you, resonates in your head, the familiar buzzing in your fingertips alerting you of the effect he has on you even tonight. God, maybe you were the one that had too much to drink…

“You were?” you ask, tone of voice light– not at all suspicious.

Sunwoo nods, shrugging. “Well, I guess we have a lot of catching up to do,” he smiles, “don’t we?”

Eyes meeting his, the contact feels electrifying to the point it makes your head spin when you look at him, taking in his glossy eyes and the flush of his cheeks. They’re less round than when you two were young, but his eyes still stay the same– big, round and tender.

He reminds you a lot of the time when you saw him drunk for the first time.

to. my first time getting drunk

April 1999

Havoc rings in his ears like jingle bells, the world around him spinning like he’s on a rollercoaster. His head feels like someone is installing a nail to the middle of his skull and when he looks around, Lee Donghyuck is staring at him with a glass bottle of soju in his hand, urging him to drink more.

Sunwoo doesn’t have it in him to do much else other than shake his head. It feels like he forgot all his vocabulary, not a single word coming out of his mouth or to the awake parts of his brain, watery eyes begging his classmate to not make him drink any more.

What seemed like a good idea just a few moments ago– see, it’s prohibited to drink on school trips, but Kim Sunwoo is infamous for loving to break the rules– now seems like the worst idea of his whole entire life. He feels so sick he thinks he’s going to die of alcohol poisoning, but the laughter around keeps painfully reminding him that he hasn’t even had that much to drink in the first place. The amount of times he’s been called a lightweight this night is making his pride severely hurt, and even graciously intoxicated, he can’t bear the sting this is putting on his already hurt ego.

“Come on, birthday boy! I’m sure you can handle one more,” Donghyuck urges, uncurling Sunwoo’s fist and placing the bottle into his grasp, making the poor boy wince and battle back tears.

He knows he’s being embarrassing. The choice between not dying and not humiliating himself is rather a difficult one, but the moment he finally finishes the crossword puzzle in his brain and puts the glass opening against his lips, the bottle is thankfully taken out of his grasp and discarded somewhere where his eyes can’t reach.

“You’re done for the night, Kim Sunwoo,” you haul at him, shaking your head at the poor boy, “you’re done.”

Sunwoo wants to open his mouth and protest, maybe ask you what you mean, but the moment his lips unseal, he gets a sniff of the alcohol in the air and suddenly, he feels like throwing up. Your eyes lock with his, a pleading– maybe a warning– mirrors in Sunwoo’s gaze, and even though he’s so drunk he feels like he crossed dimensions, he applauds your ability to know just what he means by a single look into his eyes.

“Oh, Christ–” you curse, hurried steps moving to the corner of the room, swiftly grabbing the trash can and running back towards your friend sitting criss-cross applesauce on the floor.

You make it just in time to catch the contains of Sunwoo’s stomach into the trash can, making the boy insanely grateful– he’s wearing the new shoes his mum got him for his birthday, and god knows he’d hate it if he ruined them the very first day he can show them off to his football friends.

The whole world disappears into the background as he throws up while making a mental promise to himself to never drink again. The only thing keeping him from losing it all is the feeling of your hand on his back, comforting rubs grounding him back to earth. Giggles fill his ears and he’s sure everyone’s laughing at him– even in his drunken state, he can recognise the shame filling his veins– but before he can open his mouth to argue with his classmates, the sound of your angry voice makes him seal his lips close and listen to the scolding you offer to his teammates for making him drink so much.

“You know he has a weak stomach, Donghyuck!” you huff and puff, your hand still drawing comforting circles to Sunwoo’s back as his head stays stuck in the bucket, not having enough energy to even straighten his spine.

“It’s his birthday! Come on, don’t be so tight-arsed.”

“Well, do you want him to die on his day of birth? That’s not very cool of you,” you growl, the shuffle of your clothing and a pained “ow” escaping his friend’s lips hinting to Sunwoo that you just kicked the right wing to his shin.

Deserved, Sunwoo thinks.

“Can somebody get Eric? I’m pretty sure he’s in Daehwi’s room with MB!Y/N, Minjeong and Jihoon,” you hum, waiting for anyone to follow your orders.

Sunwoo blinks in and out of it, his consciousness giving up on him with the incredible pain in his temples. He feels incredibly grateful to have someone like you by his side not only now, but all the time. The two of you have gotten incredibly closer ever since he joined the football team– and with you being one of the cheerleaders, you’re always somehow around. Not that he’s complaining, of course. It seems like you are one of the more responsible ones in this room right now, and god knows Sunwoo needs a bit of guidance on his day to day ventures.

“Do you think you’ll be sick again?” you ask, voice soft in his ear. “Or can I take the trash can off you now?”

Sunwoo thinks for a bit, then he nods and lets go of the plastic bucket. He doesn’t know what happens to it after and nor does he care– it seems like the alcohol in his veins took away all his sense of object permanence. He can barely see anything in the yellow lights of the room (which makes him believe he is going blind from all the alcohol he’s had– don’t tell him it’s just his eyes getting hazy and confused with how much his head is spinning), but he’s sure he can feel you wiping his tear-stained cheeks (he wasn’t crying– his eyes were just watering) and pulling him closer to you when he threatens to fall over even in his seated position. Your hand comes up to play with his hair when you let him rest his head against your shoulder, your actions making him sleepy, eyes closing on themselves like a threat for him to fall asleep any second.

Something about the care, the loyal protectiveness you take over the boy makes his heart soften. He breaths in your scent, trying his hardest to focus on your presence and not the weird feeling in his stomach– although it’s settled a bit since he threw up, it’s still a little uneasy– and before he knows it, there’s a tap on his shoulder waking him up from the haze.

Sunwoo mourns, not really wanting to move from his position, too comfortable with your fingers threading through his hair– but much to his dismay, your soft voice appears in his ear, telling him he has to get up. “Can you walk on your own? We’re gonna get you back to your room,” you hum, your lips accidentally brushing against the shell of his ear, making everything in him light on fire. He’s not really sure if this is the effect alcohol has on you, but if it is, he’s certain he never wants to drink again.

“Sunwoo?” you call, the way you say his name suddenly all too angelic in his ears– but still not enough for him to answer. “Alright,” you sigh after the dreadful silence, taking charge of the situation, moving away from the boy and offering him your hands to hold on to as you try to get him on his feet, “I guess we’re gonna find out.”

His fingers intertwine with yours as he stares up at you, his vision blurry, but still sharp enough to make out your tired face. The sight is enough to make Sunwoo worry– is he being too much? Are you mad at him? Do you not want to be his friend anymore? – but before he has a chance to address any of those concerns, he’s being tugged up to his feet. Not ready for the weight of his own body, his knees buckle and refuse to work. There is a pair of hands clutching his arm automatically– yours– as another pair holds him up from behind by his waist.

He’s not really sure who was his other savior, but by the silent curse heard from behind, he thinks he recognises Eric’s voice.

“I know I shouldn’t have left him alone,” he hears his best friend say, voice full of frustration.

“You really shouldn’t have,” he hears you sigh, making the poor boy scowl.

It still feels like he can’t really speak, exhaustion taking a toll on him, but he follows the orders as you tell him to get on his best friend’s back– Eric’s crouching figure ready for the impact, waiting for the taller one to clutch onto him so he can carry him into the safety of their shared room. The operation has to be quick if they don’t want to be caught by their teachers while walking through the hall, and somehow, in the distant crevices of his brain, Sunwoo recognises that and he makes no battle to resist, doing exactly as he’s told.

“Man, you’re heavy,” he hears Eric huff under him as the poor boy carries him through the hall. “You’re gonna have a killer hangover tomorrow, dude…”

Sunwoo’s head rests against his friend’s shoulder, hands carelessly hanging around Eric’s neck. He tries to blink away the sleep, desiring to stay awake, when your concerned face appears in his vision and suddenly, he feels insanely guilty.

“I’m sorry,” the two words escape his mouth with no trouble– the first words to appear in his vocabulary after the few minutes of him being surprisingly mute– only to hear his friend chuckle.

“Well, you’re going to be dying from a headache tomorrow, not us,” Eric hums, “so I think you have to apologize to future you first.”

Sunwoo pouts, bangs falling into his eyes making him blink in a desperate try to get the stray hairs away, attempting to make eye contact with your side profile. “Are you mad at me?” he asks, voice a little groggy from all the screaming and drinking.

“What?” you ask, genuinely surprised to hear his question. Your face morphs into a confused expression, the one where a wrinkle appears in between your brows– and it takes everything in Sunwoo not to poke the little line with his pointer finger in utter endearance.

“Are you… mad…?” he asks again, watching as your face morphs into amusement.

“No,” you shake your head, a hint of a laugh in your tone. “Why?”

“You look grumpy.”

“I’m just worried,” you note.

“About?” Sunwoo asks, his intelligence morphing into a one of a 10-year old with the influence the alcohol has on him.

“You,” you say, sighing and shaking your head as you move two steps in front of Eric and open the door to their room, closing it swiftly behind you and following the duo towards Sunwoo’s bed.

The younger one drops the boy into the cushions of his bed with an exaggerated sigh (that might as well be real, for all we know– god knows you wouldn’t be able to carry Sunwoo on your own), and the comfort of the pillow around his head is enough to make Sunwoo’s eyes start closing again, sleep threatening to take over his consciousness.

There’s some noise interrupting his sleep, though, making the boy tear his tired eyes open to notice you walking through the room. Sunwoo finds Eric putting a glass of water onto his bedside table and watches as you put a trash can beside his bed, hushed whispers sent Eric’s way resonating in the quiet room. “Make sure that he sleeps on his side so if he throws up again, he doesn’t choke–”

“Y/N?” he calls your name, watching as you look at him with careful eyes.

“Hm?”

“Are you leaving?” he asks, maybe a little foolishly.

“Yes.”

The boy nods at your reaction, showing his acknowledgement. In the drunken state of his mind, he knows he doesn’t particularly want you to leave, but he’s also fairly certain, finding the rational thought in the sober part of his brain, that you have to leave, and so he lets it go. The drunken state of his mind wins, though, when the next sentence foolishly escapes his lips.

“Please don’t stop liking me after this,” he mumbles, words slurring.

“What?” you ask– confused because you either don’t fully comprehend what he’s trying to say, or because you truly just couldn’t hear what words escaped his mouth– but when you don’t get a clarification, you just nod at the boy, seemingly desperate to keep him happy tonight. “Okay, I won’t.”

“You won’t stop liking me?” he asks, a big pout playing with his features.

“No.”

“Okay.”

That seems to put his mind at ease– enough to make his brain finally turn off and lead him to sleep. He doesn’t really remember what he dreamt of that night, but the last memory he has of the night of his 18th birthday is that you promised to not stop liking him after seeing him a drunken mess, and how he so deeply wished you’ll continue to like him forever.

It hits him only a few months later that the thing he so desperately hoped for that night was that you’ll keep liking him even at his worst– that he didn’t drive you away and one day, maybe, you’ll like him more than just a friend.

to. my first detention

September 1999

Sunwoo was never the one to break the rules.

Well, if you don’t count that one time he skipped class just because he got too bored of it in the middle of the lecture. And it wasn’t even that hard either– he just asked if he could go to the bathroom, and when he got the approval, he stood up and left, never returning.

Or if you don’t count that one time he climbed up the ladder on the side of the school building with his friend Juyeon and had his lunch there. Or that one time he cheated on an exam and made a scene about it when accused of the act, leading the professor into letting him off just that one time.

Sunwoo is usually too lazy to break the rules. Some days, paradoxically, his laziness is what leads him to break the rules. He can’t really help it, even if he tried.

The one time he does break the rules, expecting to be punished by his teacher for coming late to class, it’s not even his fault in the first place. Morning football practice ran late and he didn’t feel like rushing to change out of his practice clothing– see, the laziness is playing a part in this as well– so when he arrived into his Physics lecture, the clock was already 15 minutes after the bell rang for the first period.

Much to his surprise, his teacher didn’t even punish him. “Well, you’re an athlete, so it’s understandable,” he heard, making his lips stretch out into a subtle smile. If he knew that joining the football club would lead him to have such privileges, he would’ve done it a long time ago.

How did he still end up in detention, you may ask? Well, that’s a funny question.

Your flushed face appears in the doorway of the classroom exactly 2 minutes after Sunwoo does, breathing heavily and wiping the sweat off your forehead with the back of your hand. Your hair tied up in a ponytail is loose now, stray hairs falling out to frame your face, your school uniform wrinkly, shirt not tucked in properly, as you spit out endless apologies to your teacher about being late for lecture.

“I’m really, really sorry about being late,” you bow, chewing on the inside of your cheek as you look around the classroom with apologetic eyes, “I had cheerleading practice and it ran a bit late, so I didn’t have enough time to–”

“Sit, Ms Y/L/N,” the teacher hums, “if you have time to do any other activities other than being in class, I’m sure you’ll have time to stay after class for detention, am I right?”

“Sir, I really–”

“I don’t want to hear it.”

Now, are you seeing the difference in the way you and Sunwoo were treated? That’s right. It may not look like it, because the young football player rarely puts effort into anything (other than the game), but when something angers him, it’s quite difficult for him to keep it in.

And that’s exactly why his ass is currently sitting in one of the chairs of his classroom, legs spread wide as he looks around the silent room in boredom. Accusing his teacher for being sexist and holding to double standards wasn’t the best idea, but it was enough to get him into detention alongside you.

His eyes get caught up with something– someone– sitting two desks in front of him, one to the right, scribbling their homework into their notebook. At least you are using up the detention time for important and useful things, he thinks. That won’t stop him from interrupting you in your task, though. Even better– it encourages him.

Tearing out a piece of paper from his notebook, Sunwoo fishes for a pen in one of his pockets, writing a short note that says: Wanna get ramen after this? before he crumbles the paper into a small ball. After watching the teacher for a few seconds, making sure that he’s not going to get caught, he throws the ball in your direction, aiming straight for your head.

He misses. Well, that’s why he plays football and not volleyball– he doesn’t have good aim when it comes to his hands– but nonetheless, the note ends up hitting your shoulder before it bounces off and falls to the ground.

Confused, you look around before you find Sunwoo staring at you, pointing towards the paper on the ground with a grin on his face. You sigh, sending a telepathic signal of ‘you’re acting like a child again,’ straight into his brain before you reach for the paper ball and take it into your hands, fingers uncurling the thin material and reading out the words he’s sent to you.

Only a few seconds pass before you throw the ball back to him– he catches it in his hands, earning an approving look from you at his strangely fast reflexes, making a sense of victory flow gracefully through his veins. A frown settles on his face when he reads out your reply, though.

can’t. I promised Aeri I’ll hang out with her later. we’re going for frozen yogurt.

Sunwoo furrows his brows. Oh how he hates to be denied.

I can join!! i could use some froyo

You send a tired look to him over your shoulder when you receive the message, rolling your eyes at his comment. It’s obvious that Sunwoo can’t join– he knows it by the look in your eyes. Hell, he knew he wasn’t invited even before he asked– he just likes to see your frustration. Something about the way your face scrunches up, clicking your tongue against the roof of your mouth, amuses him in a way he can’t really describe.

you could’ve gotten yours instead of staying in detention. what was that about, by the way?? I’ve never seen anyone willingly do detention… you must be out of your mind

The message makes him chuckle, shaking his head in disbelief. His motives are clear– well, at least in his brain. If he stays in detention, he can see you for some more. Which means he can hang out with you more (or look at the back of your head from afar, whichever you grace him with on that particular day). And he wants to spend as much time with you as he can, well, because… because he just likes to do so. Why?

Don’t ask. He hasn’t thought it out that far yet.

I just like things to be fair. I came late too :((

He writes back instead. Fairness is the last thing he cares about if the world is in his favor. If the world is unfair to you, though– that’s another thing.

weirdo.

You write back. The pen is already in his hand, ink getting hotter as he masters up a reply, when the loud voice of his teacher cuts through the classroom and announces that detention is over and they’re all dismissed. Something in Sunwoo’s stomach drops.

Sighing, he puts the note back into his pocket (and will forget to throw it out. Then, he’ll find it there after a few days, unravel the ball and read over the letters with a smile. He won’t throw it out then either– he’ll crumble it back and keep it there until the paper wears out and forms into litter in the pocket of his pants). Gathering his things into his bag, he swings the backpack over one of his shoulders before catching up with you, already halfway out of the classroom. You seem to be in a rush to meet Aeri– he understands– but there’s still one more thing he needs to do.

Clearing his throat, Sunwoo approaches you from the back. “Hey!”

“Hi,” you hum, adjusting the bag on your shoulder. “Aeri’s waiting for me outside, so I gotta–”

“Wait, I– I have something for you,” he says, scratching the back of his neck. Why does he suddenly feel so nervous? The words his sister said to him yesterday keep resonating in his head, and although he knows it’s not true and he doesn’t see you in that way, his stomach churns and he clutches his hand into a fist by his side, a desperate act to ground himself.

“What?” you look at him, eyebrows furrowed, all confused. Sunwoo’s not the one to give gifts– sure, he pays for your meals sometimes, but that’s only because you share them and he comes to the logical conclusion that he eats more of the portion than you do anyways, so it’s only fair.

“Um… well, my sister… she was making those bracelets yesterday and she made me do it with her, because she’s really annoying when she wants to be,” he mumbles, fishing for the bracelet in the front pocket of his backpack, lying straight through his teeth.

You stare at him with wide eyes, completely unreadable to Sunwoo. Well, he already said it, so he may as well just dig his hole even deeper. The yarn is soft under his touch when he twirls the bracelet in his fingertips, eyes focusing on the shades of red and pink, suddenly too afraid to face you and look you in the eyes. “And, uh… we made too many, so I brought you one, because… you’re my friend, and all,” he mumbles, chewing the inside of his cheek.

His sneakers are oh so interesting to look at in the few seconds he spends waiting for your reply. He feels like he’s in court, waiting for his ordeal– anxiety making him bounce on the tips of his feet, his other hand clutching the strap of his backpack for dear life.

“Did you make that?” you ask, tone of voice genuinely appreciative.

“Yeah,” he shrugs.

He did not.

“That’s– that’s really cute,” you gasp, making the boy finally look up. When he finds that the words are addressed to the bracelet his sister made, not his act of kindness, something inside of him gets irritated, but the little devil in his chest leaves just as fast when you meet his eye and take the yarn from his hands, examining the red and pink knots from a closer distance.

“Yeah,” he hums, not really knowing what to say.

“Can you tie it for me?” you ask, offering the bracelet back to the boy and smiling at him, waiting for him to circle it around your wrist and secure it to place with a knot. It’s a bit long, the ends sticking out to different directions, but Sunwoo admits that it does look quite nice against your skin, and that if he forgets about the fact that it was his sister who actually made the bracelet (even though he begged her to teach him for approximately two hours, going as far as bribing her with his snacks), he does feel quite proud of the gesture.

There’s something possessive about the bracelet, he thinks. It's like a sign to everyone that you have someone who cares about you enough to tie it around your wrist. It’s like saying hey, this is my best friend! No one else enjoys their company enough to make a bracelet to prove it, but me. It’s like a silent translation of the heart’s calling: this person is mine. They’re not allowed to take this off until I die.

Sunwoo feels a bit giddy as he watches you admire the yarn around your wrist. You sport the same expression as Eric did when he forced a bracelet out of his sister yesterday– eyes glimmering, the widest grin on your features. While he may be sure what the face meant when it came to his best friend (although he tries to close his eyes from the obvious crush he has on his sister), he’s not quite certain when it comes to you.

In his mind, you smile like this at everyone. You’re just that kind of person.

But oh does he wish you mirror Eric’s feelings on the matter. Oh does he hope you tell everyone he is the one who gave the bracelet to you– he hopes you boost in front of your friends, tell them just how much you like it.

…maybe his sister was right.

Maybe the bracelet had a deeper intention.

August 2007

“So,” Sunwoo hums, taking a salty chip from the bowl settled in the middle of the table, looking over at you with a curious gaze, “how have you been?” he asks, chewing as he waits for you to answer.

It’s an easy question, one would think– and it’s true, it’s not the most difficult thing to answer. But considering the circumstances, the fact that you and Kim Sunwoo haven’t seen each other since you both graduated from high school, despite telling each other you’ll stay in contact and see each other whenever you have the chance to– it gets a little bit more difficult. It’s been 6 years, many things have changed, you had your fair share of good things happening to you as well as the bad.

What do you tell Sunwoo, though– a friend you lost somewhere along the way, much like everyone? Well, you can’t really blame him for growing distant with you– although to this day, you don’t really know the reasoning. He was the first one to leave, and although you always wished him the best, nobody can really blame you for doing your part at flying out of your nest. Everyone has to experience the outside world before they can find their place in it, no?

It’s not your fault that you weren’t as successful as you wanted to be…

“Well, you know,” you shrug, “so and so. Many things happened, but I guess I’m doing fine,” you conclude, nodding to yourself.

The face Sunwoo offers you is one of concern. You recognise that this is not really what he wanted to hear– not really what he expected you to say. The both of you were always ambitious, shooting for the stars, so it would be nice to know that at least one of you finally chased down the dreams you’ve had since you were young.

“What about you?” you ask quickly, shielding yourself from more interrogation. “How did football go?”

That has Sunwoo chuckling, averting his gaze. He takes a sip of the soda placed on his table before he turns to you again and answers the question, shrugging to himself. “Didn’t really go as I planned,” he says, nodding to himself. “Guess I lost many years on it, but oh well. Can’t really take it back now.”

“Don’t say that,” you hum, chewing on the inside of your cheek. The answer he offered you was not surprising to you– not that you didn’t believe in his abilities, not at all. It’s just that by now, if Sunwoo’s dreams came true, you’d be aware. You’d hear about him everywhere. You’d see him on the news, in the paper… It seems like your friend has disappeared out of the spotlight he always wanted even sooner than he could walk straight into the stardom. You wouldn’t say you were keeping tabs on him, no– you just cared enough to try to look for him in every place you could. “It wasn’t lost years. You did what you loved, and you tried your best.”

“I know,” he says, scrunching up his nose in an adorable manner before he sighs, “I’m just moping around. Besides, I quite like the life I’ve had since coming back home,” he admits.

“You do?” you ask, eyes glimmering in the lights. Something in you shifts– moves to a more comfortable place at the information. It’s strange that hearing that he’s doing fine still makes you feel at peace. It’s been years– you really shouldn’t care by now.

“I do,” he nods, “I work at Juyeon’s father’s bakery now. I didn’t really expect to like it, but there’s something charming about it, I’ll have you know,” Sunwoo says, taking another handful of chips into his hand before feeding them to himself, seemingly trying to chase down the tipsiness in his bloodstream.

That drags out a giggle out of you, shaking your head at the news. “I wouldn’t take you for a bakery kind of guy,” you say, “I can’t really imagine you in the kitchen.”

“Well, times change, Y/N-ie,” the nickname slips out between his lips like a punch to your gut, his teasing tone dragging nails to you in a weird sense of nostalgia, “I’m the best baker in town right now. People go crazy over my cinnamon rolls,” he nods, pointing a finger to you as if to prove his point.

“I find that hard to believe,” you squint at him, shaking your head in disbelief.

“You’ll have to come and find out,” he says, the sentence so casual that the contrast of his following statement has your heart drop a little, “well, if you’re… staying around for a bit, of course…”

Humming, watching as his eyes soften at the shift in your composure, you nod in agreement. “I’ll make sure to add that to my plan.”

Sunwoo nods in acknowledgement. Swallowing down the chips that were in his mouth, he dusts off his hands off the excess salt and licks his lips before speaking up again, seemingly collecting his thoughts. “So you’re staying around for a while?” he asks, a little bit cautious.

He doesn’t really know how sensitive this topic is for you– you don’t even know if he’s aware of your previous whereabouts, if he knows where you left off to and why– but Sunwoo stays caring, no matter the amount of time you spent not talking, no matter the big canyon that slowly formed in between the two of you in the years of no contact. It’s something you’ve always appreciated about him. He liked joking around, but he always knew where the boundaries laid, always knew when the joke went too far. He tried hard to avoid poking around too much, but he always made sure to apologize if he realized he hurt someone’s feelings. He’s a spark of violent fire, but he’s also tamed like a fireplace when he wants to be– warm, comfortable. It’s easy to feel like it’s back in the old times when you’re around him. It’s easy to pretend neither of you ever really left.

“I am,” you nod. “Things… didn’t really work out for me either, y’know,” you chuckle, the dry kind that shows just how bitter you are about the matter. “I went to New York with the internship my aunt arranged for me in KBS, but I guess I just… wasn’t really good enough to keep full-time.”

“Don’t say that,” Sunwoo mirrors your previous statement, an honest attempt at comforting you.

“No, it’s okay,” you laugh, “I stayed abroad for a while, tried hard, but sometimes, it’s just not meant to be, y’know? So after I realized my jobs weren’t making me enough money for a decent living in the States, I came back home,” you say, mouth forming a pout as you speak– the kind that shows you’re lost in thought, making up a plan as you go, “I’ll help my parents out for a while and then look for something to do here, I think.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound so bad,” Sunwoo says, offering you a soft smile. “I… I guess I’d say it’s good to have you back,” he admits, averting his gaze as he says the words, “ever since I came home, it felt like something was missing, so… anyways, you’ll figure it out, so don’t worry too much.”

“Thanks, Sunwoo,” you hum, pressing your lips into a tight smile, heart squeezing a little at his sincerity. It’s strange– it’s been years, having lived through countless different situations that were supposed to change the both of you, shift you into two completely different people– but somehow, Sunwoo still feels the same. Almost as if you two never left. Almost as if you two never drifted apart and instead spent your early twenties side-by-side, just like you always planned on doing.

The boy looks at you from the corner of his eye, a content smile spreading on his lips. You feel the atmosphere shifting, the situation tensing up a bit, and with the discomfort the image of him leaving you alone brings you, the words slip out of your lips with a bit too much ease.

“Would you want to… dance with me? I wanna see if you still remember what I taught you,” you grin, watching as the playful expression mirrors on your friend’s face, a nod eliciting from him that makes you quickly put your shoes back on and get ready for the dancefloor.

“Of course,” he hums, standing up swiftly and wiping his hands on the fabric of his pants before outstretching a hand for you, tone of voice sweet like honey, “my lady?”

to. my first dance

November 1999

“Who are you asking to the dance?” you question one afternoon, the two of you behind the closed doors of his room. There aren’t many times where Sunwoo gets to invite you over– mostly because he’s too shy to have someone around when his sister is home, and his sister isn’t known to have that many friends to hang out with– so the times where he finds you settled on top of the sheets of his bed, he treasures deeply.

“I dunno,” he mumbles, looking up at you from the comfort of his rug, shrugging, “I don’t really think I’m going, actually.”

“Oh?” you gasp, pouting at the boy. “Why not?”

“I don’t really have anyone to go with,” he says. What he really means is– you’re going with someone else. Sunwoo doesn’t really see himself dancing with anyone else but you– that’s just that kind of bond you two have in his mind. Your friendship is dear to Sunwoo, and the boy can’t think of anyone else he’d like to spend the evening with.

When his sister argued with him with logical words, telling him that he treasures his friendship with Eric just the same, but wouldn’t invite him to the prom, he just scoffed at her. MB!Y/N doesn’t know anything. He doesn’t treasure Eric in the same way, no matter the fact that they pretty much grew up together. Some things just don’t feel the same way with Eric as they do with you. He feels closer to you, in a way.

“Well, that’s bullshit,” you scoff, shaking your head at your friend, “you’re handsome. And you play football, which is every girl’s dream. I bet anyone would go with you if you just asked,” you propose, pointing a finger at the boy, not really noticing the way he blinks at hearing the words ‘you’re handsome’ coming out of your mouth in regards to him.

Do you find him handsome? Is that your subjective opinion or are you just objectively saying what you’ve heard in the cheerleader changing rooms?

He’d like to know. Just out of curiosity.

Sunwoo scratches the back of his neck in nerves, now fully seated and facing you. It’s hard to meet your eye when he talks, his words coming out muffled. “I can’t dance anyway, so it would be no fun for everyone involved.”

And watching you dance with his classmate Shotaro would be no fun either. See, it would be easy for Sunwoo to be okay with the fact that you were going to the prom with someone older (which is practically impossible, since you’re both seniors, just for the record…). He would understand your point, then. It’s easy to be okay with defeat when your opponent has the upper hand, but when you put two men against each other that are hierarchically equal to each other, much like Sunwoo and Shotaro, the poor boy finds it hard to not feel as insecure in his position.

But with Shotaro being the same age as him and the same amount of popular as him, Sunwoo can’t help but compare himself to his classmate. What does Shotaro have that Sunwoo doesn’t? Is it his smile? Should Sunwoo smile more…?

It doesn’t really help his case that you’re going to the prom with the head of the dance team. Sunwoo can’t dance… Is it the fact that he can’t dance?

Or are you just going to the prom with Shotaro because he was the one to ask you to go? Sunwoo can’t help but wonder– would you have gone with him, had he the balls and asked you first?

“What do you mean, you can’t dance?” you say, eyeing the male.

“Just… never learned to, I guess,” Sunwoo shrugs, “but it doesn’t really matter, since I’m not going, so…”

“But you have to go,” you pout, putting the boy in a difficult position. He doesn’t know if you’re aware of the fact, but your pleading look does wonders to his decision making. He’d commit arson if you asked him to with those glimmers in your eyes. He’d kill for you. Or die for you. Both, depending on the situation. He’d do anything.

“Why?”

“It won’t be fun if you’re not there,” you say, sighing. Your face looks so genuine Sunwoo almost believes it. It makes his heart squeeze and contemplate his decision. “I know Donghyuck is gonna spike the punch, and there are gonna be fireworks,” you hum, chewing on the inside of your cheek, “and this is our senior prom, Sunwoo… you have to come.”

The words resonate in his brain, making him even more hesitant about his decision. This is your senior prom– the last dance of your high school years. The last opportunity for Sunwoo to enjoy this time with you and his friends, the last chance he gets at seeing you in a pretty gown, all dolled up and smiling from the sneaky sips of alcohol you’ll get with everyone outside of the school gym. The last opportunity for Sunwoo to dance with you, his best friend, and possibly the last time he’ll ever enjoy his evening with the rest of his football team before all of them have to study in order for them to take their CSAT.

Maybe you’re right. Maybe he should go.

“I’ll think about it, I guess…” he mumbles, watching as your face morphs.

“You guess?” you scoff, glaring at him. “You’ll go or I’ll personally come to your house and drag you there by your hair, you get me, Kim Sunwoo?” you threaten him, having the boy laugh at your outburst. You’re really adorable when you tease him, Sunwoo thinks.

“Got it, chief,” he says, offering you a playful look as he salutes and lays back down onto the carpet, eyes pressed to the ceiling. “Don’t expect me to dance, though, because I refuse to embarrass myself. I have quite the reputation to uphold, you see.”

Sunwoo hears you chuckle, the noise of his sheets tousling landing into his ears. Before he has a chance to look at you and see what you’re doing, his view of the white wall above is shielded with the sight of your face, hair framing your cheeks as you stare down at him and put out your hands, waiting for him to take them and get up to a seated position.

“What?” he asks, genuinely confused.

“I’m gonna teach you, come on,” you call him with a motion of your hand, arms still outstretched and waiting.

“Huh?” he squints, watching as you roll your eyes in frustration.

“I’ll teach you how to dance, Sunwoo,” you snicker, watching as the boy slowly takes your hands and lets you drag him up from where he’s laying on his electric blue rug, “so you don’t embarrass yourself.”

That has Sunwoo stuttering, his figure freezing even when you manage to somehow make him stand up in the middle of his room. A million different exclamation marks appear all over his brain, warning him from the upcoming events, but he has no way of denying your proposition now, no matter how hard he tries. “No- it’s- you don’t have to, I’ll just-”

“Okay, so,” you say, dismissing all his previous attempts at stopping you from your quest, “first, you put your hand here,” you order.

The skin of your fingertips touches Sunwoo’s hand, making the boy’s heart stummer in his chest. You drag his palm towards your waist, placing it on the curve of your body. He swears he feels electricity flowing through the contact, warmth radiating off your skin even though it’s shielded by the fabric of your favorite shirt. He gulps as you put your hand on his shoulder, his eyes carefully following your movements, examining every slightest shift of your composure.

“And then you hold my hand with your other hand,” you instruct, but move to do it yourself when the boy doesn’t seem to have it in him to reach for your palm himself.

Your fingers interlock with his, making the boy chew on his bottom lip in a sudden flash of nerves. You’re standing so close he can smell your perfume, the scent making his head spin and feel lightheaded. If you made him turn in this moment, he’s sure he’d fall over, weak legs barely holding him up in your close proximity.

“Sunwoo?” you ask, making the boy gulp before he hums in acknowledgement.

“You have to look into my eyes when you slow dance,” you laugh, the sound soft and airy, but enough to have his stomach feel all weird, like he’s about to throw up. Still, he forces himself to look into your eyes, instantly feeling like you’re hypnotizing him. (He’s convinced he’d jump out of his window right in this moment if you asked him to.)

“Okay,” he nods, standing still, maintaining eye contact. His body is stiff, muscles tense as you just stand there for a moment. Sunwoo battles his inner fight and doesn’t look at any other features of your face– he has a weird obsession with staring at your lips whenever you talk to him lately. He feels like a weirdo every time he catches himself doing it, so he tries to get rid of the bad habit as much as he can.

“Now, you just… kind of sway to the beat,” you say. The boy nods, but his body stays unmoving.

“There’s… there’s no music playing,” he gets out, watching as you chuckle, your lips stretching out into an adorable grin.

“Right,” you nod, sighing, “well, I’ll just… let me just…” you mumble before you start humming a tune– one that makes Sunwoo laugh from how ridiculous it sounds, the notes so unfamiliar to him he’s sure you’re making it up as you go. Before he knows it, you start moving, making him mirror your actions.

It’s not as difficult as he thought it was, he thinks. You stare at him, all encouraging, as you sway from one foot to the other, nodding at him when you see that he’s following your lead well. Dancing with you suddenly feels like the easiest thing in the world, it feels like he was born to have you in his arms, in the middle of his room as you hum an unfamiliar song to him. He thinks going to the dance won’t be so bad– not if he gets to dance with you there for at least one more time.

“Doing well,” you smile, making the boy feel all warm on the inside. A feeling of victory flashes over him for a mere second. He beams in your considerate words, feels fuzzy under your warm gaze. He feels like he just won the lottery. It’s kind of silly, if he really thinks about it.

A boyish grin appears on his face, having Sunwoo shaking his head at how both ridiculous and over the moon he feels right now. The stream of hums coming out of your throat cuts off for a second as you talk to him with an instructing tone, a warm gaze pressed into his features. “So you can either do this, or you can…” the hand that was holding his suddenly untangles itself from between his fingertips (and Sunwoo’s momentarily glad, because his palm was getting quite sweaty– although he admits that it does feel empty now that you’re not holding it), before you place his other hand on your waist as well.

Something about the pose makes Sunwoo feel strangely intimate, a little bit bashful under your gaze. It only intensifies when your hands go up and entangle behind his neck, bringing you two even closer than before. The proximity has him blushing, red cheeks bringing heat to his face. He prays you don’t mention it– he really doesn’t know if he would be able to talk himself out of this one.

“Or you can do it like this,” you say before you lead the boy again, bodies swaying to an imaginary rhythm. You’re not even humming this time, having Sunwoo follow your movements in complete silence, his aimless movements mirroring your own. He’s surprised he hasn’t stepped on your foot yet when you decide to quickly teach him how to waltz (while also mumbling something about this dance being performed with the previous hand placement). He follows your orders– step forward, close, then another step backwards– and before he knows it, you’re leading him into a gentle turn, rising and falling in a ¾ count.

He’s getting lost in your voice– the softest “1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3,” helping him to stay in rhythm– before he’s pulled out of his trance as he feels your fingers playing with the hair on his nape, entangling yourself into his black locks. The motion has him look back up to your eyes (that have been previously glued to your feet, making sure he’s not stepping on your socked limbs), surprised when he sees you staring at him with a sweet smile playing with your lips.

Halting your movements for a bit, you let out a giggle and take him by surprise when your hand reaches up towards his bangs, ruffling his hair as he still holds you around your waist, the two of you almost hugging in his room. “See? Not that hard. You’re a born natural.”

His heart feels like it skipped a beat, a weird sense of panic enclosing around his chest. He doesn’t know what it is, not really knowing how to name the feeling, but it has him nervously smiling and urging him to escape you– escape your touch, escape your scent, your voice and the way you smile at him like you may feel the slightest ounce of the things he does for you, but refuses to accept on most days.

Rushed movements make him break apart from your grasp, quick breathing making him feel like he might spiral.

“Hey! We weren’t done yet!” you call after him when he runs towards the door of his room.

Not looking around, the boy gulps and nervously calls back to you, facing the door. “I’ll be back! I just have to pee!”

The door to his bathroom closes behind him with a loud shut. The boy doesn’t aim for the toilet– instead, he walks over to the sink, turning on the tap and splashing his face with ice cold water. When he’s done, feeling a bit less heated up, he looks up and stares at his face in the mirror. He gives himself some time to collect his thoughts, to hopefully let go of his foolishness.

How many more times will he have to remind himself that he only sees you as a friend?

to. my first date

January 2000

The snow crunches under his sneakers and makes Sunwoo slip on the cold surface– no wonder his mother screamed at him for not wearing his winter shoes before he went out with his friends. He bets it would be way less difficult to walk in the whiteness of the ground if he had more grip in the soles of his shoes, but oh well– he’s not really good at making clever decisions half the time. Nobody can really be surprised.

Somewhere along the way between the moment he’s interrogated his sister about the reason for her bad mood and the moment where he purposefully let her with his best friend at the top of the hill with no way out (he had a hunch the two of them had some things to talk about, from both of their uneasy demeanours for the last day), he realizes he lost both his sister and his best friend, and while he’s quite certain Eric can find his way home just fine, Sunwoo shivers at the thought of not bringing his sister home to his mother. He’s not quite sure he’d survive that.

The quest of finding you both begins the moment the friend group reaches the top of the hill. Given his sister’s impulsiveness, she could’ve ran away from home, and that’s not what he wants to deal with on such a pretty winter day.

Sunwoo finds his plan being successful the moment he reaches the hot chocolate stand. The victory he feels after finding his younger sister alive and healthy is quickly overshadowed with the sight of his best friend’s face close to hers, very clearly going in for a kiss. He thinks he has to do something before he is permanently scarred with the image of them two making out right in front of his eyes as he gathers some of the icy texture into his hands and makes a ball, aiming straight at the head of his best friend.

The snow hits the both of them, right in the middle where their faces are supposed to meet. It’s not quite where Sunwoo was aiming, but he figures it’s good enough– it stopped his sister and his friend in the act, and that’s all he really cares about at this moment.

“Eric Sohn, what the fuck do you think you’re doing with my sister?” Sunwoo hollers, watching as his childhood friend takes off and leaves his sister alone on the bench to watch the conflict. The rest of the group follows with laughter as Sunwoo gathers more snow, tailing Eric and making sure the boy is punished for whatever he’s been doing.

It’s not like he disapproves. Not at all, actually. He just thinks it’s fun to mess with him a little.

“I didn’t mean to! Hey!” Eric cries out over his shoulder, trying his best to escape the frostbite. Karma is not on his side as he trips over something and falls to the ground, efficiently helping Sunwoo and the rest of their circle to corner the poor youngest, snow hailed on his limp figure.

One would think the group of them were making a snowman with how they’re rolling the poor boy around in the snow. Juyeon and Donghyuck make sure there’s not a hint of skin unhidden by the ice, making Eric mourn and kick around– he’s left helpless, though, outpowered and outnumbered by his peers. If anyone unknowing was watching the scene, Sunwoo is sure he’d be framed for bullying.

He thinks it’s quite deserved. Why? He’s not really sure why. He just has a hunch.

“Okay! Enough!” Eric mumbles, shaking his head when Donghyuck tries to fit snow into his mouth. “I’m sorry! It won’t happen again!” he says, eyes opening wide as MB!Y/N appears somewhere behind her older brother, a teasing pout settled on her face.

“It won’t?”

“MB!Y/N– I– Just help me..?” the boy pleads, making the rest of the group laugh and finally relax, easing the attack. Juyeon hums something about young love, making the rest of the guys roll their eyes on his unusual cheesiness, before Donghyuck taps his teammate’s shoulder, making sure he’s paying attention to him.

Sunwoo raises his eyebrows at him, waiting for what he has to say. “Look, isn’t that Y/N?”

There are a few ways to catch Sunwoo’s attention. First– you have to mention football. He could spend hours on the topic of who’s the best player– Ko Jongsoo or Ahn Junghwan? If anyone asked him to write an essay on it, he’s quite certain he’d do a great job explaining their techniques and goal statistics for numerous pages. Second– you have to mention food. He’s a big fan of junk food, but ever since his friend Juyeon introduced him to their family bakery, he’s been a big cinnamon roll enthusiast. And third– you have to mention Y/N.

Just the mention of your name is enough for the boy to stand alert, suddenly all too knowing of his surroundings. He turns his head to look for you, catching sight of your figure dressed in your long coat, standing all alone at the bottom of the hill. There’s an almost bored-looking expression on your face, although Sunwoo thinks there’s a bit of disappointment behind your eyes, making a cloud shade your them and make them lose their usual glimmer. That alone has the boy frowning, and before Donghyuck can say anything more or try to gossip about your sudden arrival, Sunwoo takes off– trying his hardest not to slip on the snow in his sneakers as he runs down the hill and tries his hardest to get to you quickly.

“Y/N!” he calls for you, getting your attention. You turn to him with expecting eyes, watching as the boy runs towards you and does, indeed, slip on the snow.

He manages to save it. Doesn’t mean you didn’t see him falter, though. “Careful there,” you grin, making the boy mentally kick himself in the shin at being uncool in front of you.

Sunwoo glosses over the comment, ignoring the previous two seconds of his life. If he acts like he’s not embarrassed, it might as well come true. “What are you doing here? I thought you said you’re hanging out with someone else when I invited you on the phone today,” he says, curious to know why you changed your plans so suddenly.

There’s a hint of bitterness in your composure when you shrug, averting your gaze. “That fell through, and I didn’t wanna… I figured you’d be here, so I came…” you trail off, your half-assed explanation enough to bring the boy into an inner conflict– one part of him feels bad for you, his heart clenching when he takes notice of your stern gaze and the disappointed expression on your face, the other one foolishly happy that he got to see you today, that you went here looking for him.

“Oh,” he nods, not really sure if he should pray more information out of you. He tried to ask you about it when he called you this morning, twirling the landline on his finger nervously when he asked you if you wanted to go sledding with him and his friends. He even mentioned his sister tagging along to make sure you didn’t feel as awkward going– you wouldn’t be the only girl there! You’d get along with her well, he said, not really sure if he was lying or not. Either way, his sister does need her own friends… “Well–” he starts, not really sure where his own sentence is going, before you cut him off with a rushed out sentence, spoken so quickly Sunwoo barely registers it in that confused brain of his.

“Would you wanna go on a date with me?” you ask, eyes big as you stare into his.

The question takes a few seconds to register in Sunwoo’s brain. He can physically feel the auditory waves entering his ears and converting themselves into electrical signals by the auditory system. The signals enter his left hemisphere– maybe he could point towards the area with his finger if you asked him to, the impact of the question so present in his mind– and then it decodes in the Wernicke’s area, slowly, but surely making more and more sense to him. The boy gulps at the invitation. He understands the question theoretically now, he’s registered it in his brain, but the practical implication of your preposition is still unclear– why in the hell would you ask him to go on a date with you?

“I…” he stutters, feeling heat rushing to his cheeks. He feels like a fool– he should’ve said yes a few seconds ago, when you first asked the question– but something inside of him is telling him that maybe his reaction is valid. No one expects their friend to randomly ask them out on the bottom of a snowy hill. Certainly not when he was 99% sure you liked someone else.

“Look, it’s- it’s good if you don’t want to, really, I just… I was supposed to go on a date with Shotaro today, but he never arrived, and I…” you nervously scratch your neck, once again averting your gaze from him, “I guess I was hoping you were in the mood to go out with me, since I got all ready and stuff…” you mumble, your tone of voice breaking something inside of him.

Oh. So you weren’t really asking him out. You just didn’t want to feel like a fool that got stood up. How stupid of Sunwoo to think you wanted to go on a date with him. The two of you were just friends, after all. Best friends.

And best friends are for cheering each other up. So despite feeling absolutely defeated, Sunwoo battles the weird feeling in his chest and puts on his best smile. “Of course! Don’t even mention it. Where… where did you wanna go?” he asks, watching as your face relaxes, shoulders falling back to their natural position.

“Are you in the mood for some ramen?” you ask, eyebrows rising in question.

“I’m always in the mood for some ramen,” he nods. He’s always in the mood for whatever you are.

“Great,” you nod, chewing on the inside of your cheek.

“Great.”

“So… let’s go,” you say, nodding to yourself as you walk away from the hill, having your best friend tailing you, following you towards the ramen place in the center of the town.

There’s a bit of an awkward silence hanging over you as the two of you escape the sledding area. Sunwoo doesn’t even pay his goodbyes to his friends and his sister, but he trusts that Eric can get her home safely when the time comes to head back. The boy mentally curses out Shotaro for standing you up– how does he dare to ask you out and never arrive? He doesn’t care about the possible circumstances of his classmate’s absence. All he cares about is the saddened look on your face and the unusual quietness enveloping your aura.

“Should I go kick his ass?” he asks, trying his hardest to make you feel better.

“It’s okay, Sunwoo,” you shake your head in disapproval, eyes pressed to the ground.

“Are you sure?” he asks again, not satisfied with your answer. “I’m quite good at fighting, contrary to popular belief, but if things go wrong, I know my friends would have my back,” he says, playfully punching the air.

The little play consisting of him kicking and punching an imaginary figure goes on for a while until he’s satisfied– meaning: until you’re left laughing at his overly exaggerated movements and grunts, shaking your head in disbelief at his boyish antics. Taking his hand in yours to make him stop with the play-fighting, you drag your now interlocked fingers towards your coat pocket, hiding his cold hand in the thick fabric.

Sunwoo’s heart beats fast at that, making him believe it’s going to run out of his chest any minute now– or make him go into cardiac arrest, either or– as he grows speechless, looking at you with big, surprised eyes. You don’t seem to put much meaning to your gesture, going as far as gently caressing your thumb over the back of his palm, his frozen skin growing hot at the contact.

He’s never held hands with you before– if he doesn’t count the amount of times you dragged him around when the both of you were late for the shared cheerleading and football practice on Tuesday afternoons– and so the intimacy of the act makes him feel strangely weak in his knees. It’s hard for him to take his eyes off you, almost looking like a deer in the headlights to anyone watching you two right now. Sniffling from the cold, you shrug.

“It’s okay,” you smile, sending him a quick glance, “I didn’t really like him like that anyway. It just… feels a bit disappointing to get stood up, that’s all,” you nod.

Sunwoo nods at that too, something in him shifting. You don’t like Shotaro like that? When was this piece of information when he really needed it? (For like the last month, every time he couldn’t fall asleep because the thought of you marrying his classmate at one point in the future haunted him too much and made him want to poke the dance club leader’s eyes out?)

“I get it,” he says, walking along with you. Every time he feels the eyes of someone on you two, he feels his chest filling up with an unfamiliar sense of pride. Something about being seen with you as you’re all dolled up and holding his hand in your coat pocket makes him all giddy on the inside– no matter if this is a real date or not.

Because screw it, Kim Sunwoo is tired of reminding himself that he’s supposed to only see you as a friend. Because he doesn’t.

“I’ve never been on a date before, though, so you have to teach me all about that too,” he hums, tonguing the inside of his cheek.

That has a giggle escaping your throat, another shake of your head in disbelief at his words. He doesn’t know what’s so funny, but he decides that as long as you’re laughing, he’s fine with feeling the tiniest bit of humiliation. He’d do anything to make you happy, he thinks. It’s a feeling stronger than him and he doesn’t know how to make it go away– he decided to stop battling it a long time ago.

“Just be yourself, Sunwoo,” you say, “that’s already perfect enough.”

Perfect. Sunwoo’s cheeks grow hot at that. He’s happy that it’s cold out– maybe he could blame his blushing on the weather. The boy isn’t so sure you know about the effect your words have on him. He’s always thought of you as perfect– flawless, funny, friendly, smart, kind and… and beautiful– but the adjective doesn’t quite seem fitting when he looks at himself in the mirror. He doesn’t believe you could hold him to such standards. He’s nothing special. God, he knows he’s not good enough for you– still, he keeps wishing he could be.

“You look really pretty, by the way,” he hears himself say, the words escaping his mouth before he has the chance to stop them. The tone of his voice is quite unnatural in his ears, softer than it usually is, and somehow, the comment makes you roll your eyes, which he finds to be an unnatural reaction.

“You don’t have to say that just because you’re on a date with me,” you hum, eyes not meeting his. (Which might be a good thing. Sunwoo would like to keep his feelings hidden for a bit longer, and he’s not so sure you wouldn’t recognise the tender inkling he has towards you in his longing gaze.)

“I’m not saying it because of that,” he mutters, voice quiet, yet honest.

Watching the side of your face, eyes still glued at every feature of your profile, he knows he’s not lying. He finds you oh so pretty even in the faint hue of the winter sun, with your scarf pulled up to the middle of your chin and hair pinned up with a pretty, silky bow. He finds you nothing short of angelic. Perfect. It’s kind of silly, if he really thinks about it.

Still, he can’t help himself. To this day, he counts the afternoon he spent with you, eating ramen at your favorite place, to be the first date he’s ever gone on.

Somewhere in the corner of his soul, he begs you count it as real too.

August 2007

It’s only a couple of days later when you find yourself in front of Juyeon’s father’s bakery, nervously chewing on your bottom lip and gazing at the glass door. The sun is shining strongly down on your skin, making you feel like you’re going to get a sun stroke if you keep standing in the direct light for any longer, and with the pressure of both the weather and your own thoughts, you decide to stop wasting time and push the door open, entering the establishment.

Not really sure if you’re welcome– who knows, Sunwoo might have just been acting nice and civil for the sake of not ruining his sister’s wedding– you prepared a mental shopping list of things you wanted to get at the bakery. You hadn’t seen your parents in a long time, so you thought a few donuts might make them happy. If Sunwoo just treats you like any regular customer when you walk in, you’ll take it as your sign to act like one and let this whole thing go.

Truth be told, you don’t even know why you’re so nervous. It’s not like you’re promising yourself something more from this… right?

It’s not like you suddenly felt younger again when seeing him at the wedding. It’s not like the memories choked you up when you went to sleep that night, it’s not like the feelings you had for the young boy suddenly waved at you in greeting, reminding you of just how close the two of you were all those years ago.

Not at all. Why would anyone even think that?

The ring above the door makes a sound as you walk in, your insides clenching in a weird mix of nerves and anxiety at encountering Kim Sunwoo again. The store is empty when you reach the counter, but you’re soon greeted by the sound of the staff door opening, a tall figure stumbling in with a tray of pastries, yelling out a quick: “I’ll be right there!”

And as you watch Sunwoo with his bangs sticking to his forehead, an apron tied tightly around his thin waist, you feel like he hasn’t aged a single day and you two are still the same teenagers that ran around your school in order to not miss practice. The boy looks up at you from below his eyelashes, a boyish grin taking over his features as he puts the hot tray down on the counter and throws the kitchen towel he’s been using to shield his skin from the heat to the side, greeting you.

“Y/N! It’s nice seeing you again,” he beams, wiping his hands on his apron, gaze gluing to yours and never leaving, capturing you in a sincere eye contact that you don’t have the heart to break.

“Hi, Sunwoo,” you chuckle, pressing your lips into an honest, yet a little bit awkward smile. “How’s it going?” you ask, desperate to keep the conversation going– afraid that if it dies down, you won’t be able to revive it ever again and you’ll just regret it forever. There’s a weird sense of urgency in you, like you have a time limit to figure everything out– like you have to act now, or everything you ever wanted might slip from between your fingertips– yet, the more you watch Sunwoo in the serene atmosphere of the sweet-smelling bakery, you notice yourself relaxing.

“Good! Better now that you’re here, actually, it’s been a slow day,” he muses, nodding to himself. “What about you? Can I get you anything?” he asks, eyebrows raising, round cheeks on full display as he stares at you with an expecting smile.

“I’m doing well,” you nod, humming, “really well… catching up with my parents, settling in and stuff… You know the deal,” you laugh. “I actually came to get some donuts for my parents, sort-of like a thank you gift for letting me stay until I figure out my own place and stuff,” you say, watching as Sunwoo urgently nods with acknowledgement.

“Say less, darling,” the nickname slips out from him a little too easily, a little too casually for the way it captures your heart. It has you nervously shifting from one foot to another, insides warming up with the impact of his fleeting gaze as he moves to get a box from under the counter, moving closer to the glass vitrine filled with the sweet pastry. “Your mum loves these ones,” he points towards the donuts coated with the pink glazing.

It’s kind of weird– how Sunwoo knows exactly what your mother likes, despite him not being around your house every other day like when the two of you were teenagers. It makes you realize that even though you moved away for years, the time here didn’t stop. Everyone moved on with their lives, everyone continued on as if nothing happened. And you can’t hold it against them– you guess you just hate the weird pit in your stomach that opens up with the realization that while Sunwoo knows which pastries your mum likes (most likely because she stops by to buy bread often, taking some treats with her for her and dad while she’s at it), you don’t.

You try hard not to show it on your face, though. Sunwoo continues to pack more donuts into the box, not really attempting to ask you for what you’d like– he just chooses himself, making sure you bring home the best ones of the bunch, the most delicious ones they carry. Letting him do his work, merely watching as he carefully moves the donuts from the vitrine to the box, you hear him continue on with the conversation.

“You came in on the right day,” Sunwoo hums, “Juyeon works tomorrow, so you wouldn’t be able to catch me if you went.”

Ignoring the fact that he sees right through you– sees that your intention was to see him, to have a way to visit him and attempt to rekindle whatever bond you had when you were young– you just chuckle. You can’t blame him for knowing you so well, despite not being around each other for so many years. When you were young and in love, you used to call him your soulmate, after all. You guess there’s always a hint of truth, even in the most lovesick fantasies. “Well, then I’m glad I went in today,” you admit.

Sunwoo smiles at that– the kind of smile you always loved at him, the one where he shows his teeth and his eyes crinkle up into moon crescents. Once he’s done packing your donuts, he puts the box on the counter, showing you his back just as fast when he turns around, seemingly grabbing something else as well. When he’s facing you again, there’s a sweet pastry in his hand, still warm.

“What’s that?” you ask when you notice him offering it to you, eyes peering into his.

“A cinnamon roll,” he says, waiting for you to take it into your hands, “I told you everyone goes crazy over my cinnamon rolls, so I wanna see if their magic works on you too.”

“Is this how you flirt with girls over here?” you chuckle, but take the bun into your hand nonetheless, taking a hesitant bite of the treat. The sweetness melts on your tongue, the warmth of the freshly-baked pastry enchanting you with its taste, something about its essence weirdly reminding you of home.

“Haven’t tried it before,” he shrugs, “so tell me if it’s working,” he jokes, watching as you chew on the roll.

“Well, is it any good?”

Humming in satisfaction, delight on the tip of your tongue as you swallow down the heavenly dough, you nod. “It’s to die for, Sunwoo.”

“Told you,” he shoots you a cheesy finger-gun, reminding you so much of your best friend from high school, before he turns and takes a paper bag from somewhere, talking to you as his back faces you again, “I’ll get you some more to take home with you. I bet they didn’t have those in the Big Apple.”

“If I knew I was missing out on these, I would have come back quicker,” you joke, watching as Sunwoo turns to you with an amused look on his face, seemingly enjoying the praise.

The eye contact unarms you again, your composure falling just the slightest. Chewing on the inside of your cheek, you clear your throat and reach for your wallet, ready to pay and leave so you can think about the interaction on your way home (and overthink every slightest detail, just like teenage you would after every fleeting touch young Sunwoo would send your way). “How much do I owe you?” you ask.

“Oh, it’s on the house,” he says, licking his lips, “consider it a… welcome gift, if you will,” he hums, offering you the box full of donuts and the paper bag consisting his infamous cinnamon rolls, your skin touching just the slightest when you take them from him, but still making electricity jolt through the nerve endings of your fingertips.

“No, Sunwoo, I really can’t-” you shake your head, but get caught off by him.

“Take them, please. You can pay me back some… other time?” he cautiously says, seemingly not really knowing if he’s still within your desired boundaries.

“O-okay, then,” you nod, agreeing to the subtle invitation– the subtle promise to meet again, the hopeful question leading into something more. “Thank you, Sunwoo,” you hum, smiling as you turn towards the door and get prepared to walk out, giving both of you some time to think about what happened in the last few minutes.

As you open your mouth to say goodbye to him, hand landing on the doorknob, you hear him call after you once more.

“Oh and Y/N?” he says, a confident look suddenly overtaking his features. “I end here at 5, if you’d like to hang out after.”

Unknowingly, a grin appears on your features, the one that’s so strong you can’t really mask it no matter how hard you try– as you nod at him, the victorious feeling flowing through your veins maybe even a bit dangerous. Still, you don’t have it in you to turn the invitation down– you wouldn’t be able to even in your wildest dreams.

This is what you came here for, after all, isn’t it?

“Okay,” you agree. “So… I’ll see you later?”

“See you later,” he nods, teeth capturing his bottom lip. It’s kind of adorable. He couldn’t battle the smile threatening to pull at the corners of his mouth, no matter how hard he tried.

Maybe coming here– coming back home– was the best thing you could’ve done.

“Wanna come in?” Sunwoo asks. It’s a few hours later– you followed through with his invitation and waited for him in front of the bakery at 5:05 sharp, catching him after his shift. You two took a walk through the whole town, waltzing slowly through his neighborhood until you reached his childhood house. You remember far too many afternoons spent in the comfort of the walls, and although you think it would be nice to revisit those memories, you notice his mother’s car (is it still hers? You have no way of knowing.) in the driveway, and suddenly, you’re too shy to join him as he drops his stuff off in his house.

It’s like you’re a teenager again– except, you never had any problems meeting his mother before. She was a nice woman, although a little busy (you only heard Sunwoo complain about the fact a few times– mainly when he was feeling sentimental or particularly under the weather about something), and she always treated you very nicely. Almost like you were supposed to join the family one day. His sister once asked you if you’re gonna marry him, and you laughed at her back then– you were so young, you didn’t even think of having a wedding with Kim Sunwoo. The funniest thing was the timing: you weren’t even dating him at the time. Or planning to, really. Sure, you always imagined somehow spending the rest of your life with him, in one way or another, but the thought of marriage didn’t often cross your mind. Life is ironic, you think– MB!Y/N was the first one to have a wedding and here you are, retangling your life paths with her brother again.

So no, you were never really scared or shy in front of his mother. Back then, things were different though. Simpler? You’d say they were definitely easier. You were more extroverted and open, more ambitious and less embarrassed of how your life turned out to be.

Also, you didn’t want to give her any ideas. It’s far too soon for that, you think.

“No,” you shake your head, hesitating a little bit, “I’ll wait for you here,” you say, watching as he smiles at you and nods, walking inside of the house to drop off his things and change.

You two didn’t really have any plans for the rest of the evening. You told Sunwoo he could show you around town, tell you what changed and what stayed exactly the same, since he came home earlier than you– you bet it could be two or three years ago. He eagerly nodded, although noted that not much is different in your hometown and your walk could turn out pretty uneventful. No plans were set in stone, though.

Nervously shuffling from one foot to another, you decide to walk around the yard. Sunwoo’s house was always big– although it seemed more giant to you when you were a teenager. It’s a strange observation, since you didn’t really grow any more inches since you hit puberty. Your eyes study the flowers in front of the gate, the mowed grass, the big tree in the backyard. If you focus hard enough, you could almost see the two of you laying under it, letting the leaves shield you from the sun, both much younger and carefree than now. Sunwoo would show you pages of his favorite comic books and you’d play on your Tamagochi, making sure it doesn’t die in two days like his did when he first got it. When you turn to your right, you see the garden house you two– sometimes with his sister, sometimes with Eric, sometimes with both of them at once– spent many afternoons in.

There used to be an old, red sofa inside. There wasn’t much space, since it was filled with gardening supplies, Sunwoo’s and MB!Y/N’s old bikes, flower pots, packs of soil and all other things you could need for gardening, but it was fun to hide away from the sun in there and drink iced tea, talking about whatever came to your minds or solving nanogram puzzles in comfortable silence (or occasional sigh from Eric when he got stuck somewhere in the middle of his crosswords).

Your curiosity gets the best of you when you open the door, deciding to see if it’s still the same inside. Your eyes widen when you notice the garden house a little less packed than before– mainly because Sunwoo’s mother no longer does gardening in her free time and buys her vegetables on the market like your mum does, you presume– but instead, it’s full of all the things the childhood you knew so well.

Sunwoo’s old bike– red and a little rusty, but you bet it could still work. The rug they used to have in their dining room is now in the middle of the little garden house, stained with dirt. Next to the usual red sofa is a leather armchair that they used to have in their living room for a while, the dark brown fabric now worn out, chapped and peeling off. In the corner of the room, you find a box filled with various sports equipment– tennis rackets, a yellow tennis ball, a jumping rope, and lastly, a half-deflated football. The sight of it has you sighing a little, reminding you of Sunwoo’s composure when he told you about how he never got to pursue his childhood dream fully.

Your eyes glaze towards his old skateboard, having you chuckle, the memories of him riding it down the hill in front of his house appearing in your mind. Sometimes, he would be there with his sister and his childhood friend Eric as well (that more often than not let MB!Y/N borrow the board, watching her with lovesick eyes instead of riding it himself), the young boy trying to teach himself tricks he saw on the TV.

“Do you think I still got it?” you suddenly hear Sunwoo ask from behind your shoulder, making you jump in surprise. The male laughs at your shocked face, shaking his head in disbelief at your easily shaken composure.

“You scared me,” you breathe out, clutching your chest for good measure, to show him how much you really mean it– your heart was racing, and contrary to popular belief, the sight of him in casual attire (a gray hoodie, so similar to the one he used to wear in high school, baggy Adidas sweatpants covering his legs) wasn’t the reason for the little heart attack.

“So did you!” he exclaims. “I got outside and didn’t see you there, I thought you ran away for a second,” he hums.

“As if,” you mumble, “I walked all the way here, why would I leave so suddenly?”

“I dunno,” he shrugs, “you could’ve changed your mind, or something,” he says, his composure suddenly as boyish as when he was just a teenager, something in your heart softening. You guess he sometimes still carries some of the same insecurities he tried so hard to mask when he was young. Some things don’t really change, but you really wish at least this would’ve.

Smiling at him, you shake your head. “I don’t think you still got it, though,” you go back to reply to his initial question, pointing towards the skateboard.

“Well, who knows,” he peeps, “maybe I could do an Ollie, or something.”

“I really don’t think you could, Sunwoo,” you laugh softly, watching him regain his statement competitiveness.

“Wanna bet?”

“No,” you shake your head, “I don’t want you to break your bones, so let’s just say I believe you,” you giggle, watching as the boy mirrors your expression, his gaze softening.

A short moment of silence overtakes you two as you sigh and look around the garden house, instinctively taking a seat on the red sofa covered in dust. You bet it’s been years since anyone’s sat on it, and you’re glad to be the one revisiting its comfort. It’s like solidifying your return– like the old piece of forgotten furniture in Sunwoo’s garden house is the spawn point of your childhood. “Doesn’t this make you nostalgic?” you ask, eyeing your companion.

“Well, I live here,” he shrugs, “so not as much as it makes you, I suppose. Having you here again makes it more nostalgic, though, I’ll give you that.”

His words have you overcome with something bittersweet. Seeing the town you love so much makes you almost regret you ever left. The rational side of your brain reminds you that you gained a lot of experience abroad, though, and so you settle with being just a little bit remorseful of your past self for being so overly-ambitious.

“It’s weird,” you allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of him, the essence of him being your best friend– your first love, the first person you ever felt safe with– overtaking you in the moment of weakness, “it’s like everybody moved on, but I stayed here.”

“Well, not everybody moved on,” Sunwoo hums, referring to himself. “Juyeon stayed, too. Eric and MB!Y/N are moving only a few hours away… Haknyeon lives down the street now,” he points out, a poor attempt at making you feel better.

“Yeah… it’s just… I hoped I would do big things. I hoped we would both do big things,” you say, tone of voice quiet, your eyes avoiding him. It’s hard to keep eye contact with him when you share your struggles– at least that’s the way it always was when you were young. The look he offered you always made you feel so tender, so cared for that you wanted to burst out crying. In your age and state, you can’t afford to tear up in front of your ex-boyfriend anymore.

“Sometimes, things don’t work out the way we want them to,” Sunwoo says, tone of voice considerate. “And that’s fine. I wanted to be a star, and I’m not, but that’s okay, because hey… I’m happy anyway. I’m content. And I know that one day, you’ll be too. It just takes a bit of time.”

Snickering, you play with your fingers in your lap, legs plopping up and crossed, striking an almost defensive pose. “Were you… were you embarrassed when you came back?” you ask.

Sunwoo laughs, the sound so heartfelt it makes your insides squeeze. “Terribly. I mean, look at me in my mid-twenties, still living with my mother. Even back then, I felt like a failure. I felt like a disappointment, but… then I realized not everyone had the opportunities I had. Not everyone almost made it professional, you know, and that’s still something to be proud of.”

“I’m still living with my mother, but hey– she’s getting older and the house is big. MB!Y/N moved out, and I wouldn’t want my mum to get lonely… so I think I’m doing pretty well, given the circumstances,” he says. Pausing for a heartbeat, as if collecting his thoughts, he continues. “I think you should find the positives in your situation too. Not everyone got to live in New York... Work for the national TV… That’s still a huge achievement, and I think you should be proud of yourself for that.”

Rolling your eyes– although grateful to hear the words– you snicker. “It’s hard to do that right now…”

“I know,” he nods, smiling when you finally look at him. “It takes time. And until then, well, for what it’s worth, I’m really proud of you. And maybe… maybe you coming back home is how life’s supposed to go anyways.”

Biting down on your lower lip to stop yourself from tearing up– see, you knew you shouldn’t have looked the boy in the eyes during his little pep talk– there’s suddenly a weight leaving your shoulders, heart softening and growing more tender. Your wounds seem to sting a little less. It’s strange– even after so many years, he still knows just the words you need to hear.

“Yeah,” you nod, voice barely louder than a whisper, a soft smile playing with your lips, “maybe.”

to. my first kiss

March 2000

His eyes stay glued to the TV in your living room, the boy almost looking hypnotized as he focuses on the program running, furrowed brows and all, showing his utmost concentration. A sigh lands into his ears, but goes unnoticed when you enter the room, a scowl sitting on your face. “Sunwoo! I told you to watch the oven! What if the cookies burn?”

“Yeah…” he mumbles, not a single word coming out of your mouth truly registering in his brain.

“Sunwoo!” you grunt, but when you get no reply, you just choose to roll your eyes and walk into your kitchen yourself, opening the oven and making sure the cookies you two have been baking haven’t burned down into coal yet. Not long after, you plop on the sofa next to your best friend, tone of voice still showing a bit of frustration at his carelessness.

“You shit on Eric for watching those, but you’re just as bad,” you hum as you notice the kdrama going on in the TV. It’s one of the ones that hardly make any sense and each scene is overly-exaggerated and repeated at least twice to create impact, but Sunwoo finds himself living for the drama. Each argument has him examining the scene, mentally rooting for his favorite characters– and although he is busy with football practice nowadays, he doesn’t skip a single episode of Happy Together.

It’s not as entertaining as the manga comics he borrows from Hyunjae’s father’s comic shop, but he figures that it’s good enough to pass some time… and indulge over.

“I think they’re gonna kiss,” he notes, pointing towards the screen.

“Oh, good point, Sherlock Holmes,” you sigh, shaking your head in disbelief. If there was something you’d expect out of your friend, it seemingly wasn’t his enjoyance of cheesy dramas that air in the afternoon hours of the week.

And Sunwoo admits, he was never the one to enjoy romance. Hell, it was something he always made fun of when it came to his friend Eric– he was not the one to watch romantic comedies, he wasn’t the one to tell girls cheesy lines or bring them flowers on Valentine’s day. He does seem to be enjoying the laughable scenes rolling on the TV a little too much lately, though.

Maybe he should start hanging out with Eric less.

The scene slowly transforms into close-ups of the two main characters, showing them instinctively closing their eyes and leaning towards each other, eyes trained on each other’s lips. It doesn’t take much to predict the next actions, but Sunwoo still finds himself restless in his seat when they finally kiss, legs kicking up and a gasp escaping his mouth. One would think he won the lottery or was just greeted with the greatest surprise ever, with how he’s reacting. None of the two are true, though.

“Oh, wow,” you hum next to him, seemingly not really interested in the drama as much as your best friend is.

“You’re ruining it,” Sunwoo sighs, looking at you as you roll your eyes and settle deeper into the couch cushions.

“Oh, sorry,” you note, but your composure stays a bit annoyed.

Sunwoo watches the TV for some more– the scene of the two characters kissing stays on the screen, slowed-down and repeated, in the true 90s TV show fashion– before his eyes trail off the device and move towards you, glazing your side profile. He takes notice of your casual attire– you changed out of your school uniform in the time he was supposed to watch the cookies baking in the oven, and something in his stomach churns, making him blurt out the random question that so suddenly appears on the tip of his tongue.

“Have you ever kissed anyone before?” he asks, genuinely curious. He doesn’t even know why the response matters to him so much– he also doesn’t really know what reply he’d like to hear better, if he’s being honest– but now it’s out in the open and he can’t take it back.

“Hm?” you hum, snapping your head towards him. “Oh. Yeah, I guess…”

“You guess..?” Sunwoo repeats, furrowing his brows. How can one not be sure?

“Well– yeah. It only happened once, though,” you shrug. It takes everything in Sunwoo to not ask who you kissed and when, or under what circumstances, and decide to despise that person until the day he dies. It’s not his business and he shouldn’t even care in the first place… He can’t say he’s disappointed in your answer– it’s your life and your decisions– but something inside of him screams that now, he can’t be your first no matter how hard he’d try. (It’s not like you’d want to kiss Sunwoo anyway, so he really doesn’t know why he’s making such a big deal about it.)

“What about you?” you ask, the question catching the poor boy off guard. He didn’t necessarily expect you to ask him back– so much to his title of Sherlock Holmes– and the reality that he can’t lie to you takes him out in full force as he bashfully stares out of the window.

“No,” he peeps, chewing on the inside of his cheek.

There’s something embarrassing about admitting to the girl you like that even at the ripe age of 19, you’ve never kissed anyone before. Shame creeps up his neck and adorns his cheeks after the simple word slips out of his mouth, eyes refusing to meet yours.

“Really?” you ask, and you sound genuinely surprised– there’s a hint of Sunwoo’s ego recovering, but he thinks the hit was too hard for him to ever recover.

“Yup,” he says, a popping sound heard as his lips voice out the last consonant, the view of him playing with his own fingers suddenly more interesting than anything else happening in your living room right at this moment.

“I thought– nevermind,” you hum, scratching the back of your neck, “why are you asking?”

“Just… just curious, I guess…?” he stummers, shrugging.

A moment of silence overtakes you two– enough to make the boy instantly hate everything he’s ever said on the matter. If there could open up a hole in the ground right now to swallow him, he’d jump in with much enthusiasm. Why did he have to ask?

“Do you wanna try?” you suddenly propose, making the boy’s heart feel like it burst and threw him into a cardiac arrest. His hands start sweating, his cheeks tint red and it feels like all oxygen was suddenly sucked out of the living room, his lungs collapsing on themselves.

You seem to try to save the situation, noticing the utter shock on his face. “I mean– you don’t have to, but I… I wouldn’t mind, and it’s– I don’t know… if you wanted to practice with me, or something, I’d be down to…” you stutter, chewing on your bottom lip as you finish the little tangent, terror evident in your eyes.

Sunwoo feels like a little boy that just found his favorite gift under the Christmas tree. Like he found the most pricey toy there, the one he always wanted, and now that it’s there, he’s scared to actually play with it, because he doesn’t want to break it. Much like your friendship, he thinks. There’s too much to lose if he crosses this line, and he’s very much aware.

But the offer seems tempting. Almost too tempting. God, he doesn’t think he could say no.

He may not be your first kiss, but you’re asking to be his. This sounds like a dream, if he really thinks about it.

“You know what? Just forget–”

“I’d– I’d like that…” he mumbles, trying really hard not to avert his gaze from you.

Your gaze softens, nodding your head. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he agrees.

“Okay,” you nod again, moving a little closer to him. Your knees knock into the side of his thigh, your whole figure now facing him on the sofa as his legs still point forward to the TV. He keeps staring at you, a little nervous, but expectant. “Are you sure? You don’t have to do it just because–”

“I’m sure,” he cuts you off, watching as your face relaxes, a smile appearing on your lips at the next addition. “I want to.”

“Okay.”

You move impossibly closer, your crossed legs in contact with his clothed skin. He curses the thin fabric of the pants of his school uniform for making him feel every slightest flex of your muscles when you move, making his skin flare up and burn. He keeps staring at you, watching you as you lean closer to him, your faces now inches away from each other. Sunwoo finds himself focusing on every feature of your face, counting the eyelashes framing your eyes, glazing over the sparkles in your orbs. You stay close for a minute, unmoving.

Eyes locking, Sunwoo finds himself gasping a little, breathing shuddering when he notices your gaze falling to his lips. Your breathing mixes, air meeting his face when you breathe out a minty breeze. His heart is already racing and you’re not even doing anything.

When he finds you finally moving towards him and notices your eyes shutting close, he mirrors your actions, but stays unmoving. After what feels like eternity, he feels something soft pressing to his lips, warmth spreading from that part of his face to the rest of his body. The contact of your lips with his is gentle, like you’re testing the waters, and although the feeling is unfamiliar, Sunwoo decides he doesn’t hate it.

The weird firework show in his stomach actually suggests that he’s quite enjoying it. Your lips break away from his for a bit, rewarding him with only a peck, and before the boy has the chance to think this is it and it’s over, you dive in for more and kiss him again, this time longer, more firmer.

Your hands come up to cradle his cheeks, holding him close. He feels himself burning up, his composure completely crumbling when he feels you smile against his lips.

“You know you can kiss back, right?”

“Mhm,” he hums, opening his eyes to see you staring at him with a tender look.

“Try it,” you say, hands gently coming up to brush his bangs away from his face. If anyone was looking at the two of you now, Sunwoo thinks they’d conclude that you two were in love.

And maybe Sunwoo was, by the way he was looking up at you like you hung the stars on the sky. By the way he was staring at you with such a vulnerable look he feared you might see right through him, see right to his core and call him out on every unconfessed word hiding in his heart. He looks a little scared, a little tense, still, but his eyes don’t lie. They never do. There’s no one else that could make him feel the way you do.

“Okay,” he nods, moving in his position so he’s facing you, ready for more.

He mirrors your previous motions, leaning towards your face. He wets his lips and closes his eyes when he’s sure he’s close enough to not miss your mouth, and after another deep breath in to calm his nerves, he presses against you. He feels you freezing under him, a momentary panic spreading all over his chest as he thinks he’s done something wrong, before he feels you kissing him back.

A whole other sensation takes over him when he feels your lips moving against his, his fingertips buzzing when he drags his hand up and moves your hair behind your shoulder, large hand resting on your jaw. He’s not sure if he’s doing this correctly– hell, he’s never done this before– but after you move a bit and entangle your hands behind his neck, pressing against him a bit more firmly, yet still tender and gentle like the first time, he recognises that somehow, it feels right, and he thinks that’s all evaluation he needs for now.

The need for oxygen makes him break away from you, breathing heavily as he opens his eyes and finds you resting your forehead against his, smiling. “Like that?” he asks, shamelessly staring at your wet lips, already yearning for more.

“Something like that,” you nod, giggling. “You still need more practice, though,” you suggest, making the boy frown.

“Was it that ba–”

Rolling your eyes at him, frustrated at the way he always needs everything spelled out for him, refusing to take a hint, you press your lips against his again, teeth clashing a little when Sunwoo picks up the pace and kisses you back. The TV is a mere white noise in the background now, everything around you two disappearing, all of Sunwoo’s senses focused on you and only you. He could get lost in the way you taste– like strawberry bubblegum you bought at the store on the corner of the street– and the way you feel against him– soft, tender, warm.

He feels like he could burst. He knows his hands are a bit sweaty, but he’s only half aware of the fact when his palms move to hold your cheeks, much like you did to him before, and your hands entangle in his hair, playing with the strands.

He could stay like this forever, blissfully unaware of the consequences of this act. He could kiss you over and over and over again, even if it meant he was still bad at it and needed more practice– he could get lost in your scent, in the tender way you hold him to you, in the way you keep smiling against his lips whenever he does something to surprise you: like get a little bolder and angle your head by your chin with his thumb, getting more comfortable.

He’s glad he’s sitting down, because he’s quite sure his knees are too weak to carry him right now. When you break away from him again, lips swollen and eyes blown-out, he thinks you might just be an angel. He’d love to engrave this image into his memories forever.

Although, he’s doubtful that he could ever forget about this. Or anything about you, really.

And even as you suddenly gasp, finally aware of the world around you, running to the kitchen and screaming: “Sunwoo! We forgot about the cookies!”,

he wonders just what more you could teach him about life. He’d follow you to the end of the world if you asked him to, holding your hand in his and not thinking twice. He’d bring you down a star, if you only so expressed you would like one. He’d do anything.

You taught him what friendship is. You taught him what it means to care for someone. What it means to have someone special. You taught him how to drink (although by scolding him when he was hungover. He felt cared for even with your stern gaze). You taught him how to slow dance– even though you spent the prom with someone else. Just now, you taught him how to kiss.

And although you’re unaware, he’s quite certain that when he’s 19 years old, spending each of his days with you, although unaware, you taught him how to love someone too.

August 2007

You feel kind of silly, standing in front of the bakery as the sun sets over the horizon, the clock striking near 5 in the afternoon as you gnaw on your fingernails and hesitate a little before coming in. Pushing the door open and slipping inside, the male currently sweeping the floor looks over at you, a look of pleasant surprise sitting at his face and a sunny smile sent your way upon your arrival.

You don’t really know why you keep running back to him. The whole town reeks of familiarity to you, every corner and inch of each street filled with the essence of your childhood and your whole growing up. It’s not like you don’t have anything else to ground yourself back to, but somehow, your inner voice always keeps calling for Sunwoo. It’s weird– it’s been ages and you shouldn’t feel like this around someone who you haven’t even properly dated for that long, if you don’t count the few months before he left– but it’s something you can’t control, an essence you can’t hold back.

“Y/N,” he calls for you, “what are you doing here?” he asks as he continues his routinal cleaning, putting the broom away behind the counter.

It’s a stupid question. You bet he realizes it too, but you’re somehow glad he is taking initiative. This way, you don’t have to be the first one to spark the conversation. This way, you know you’re welcome.

“Oh, well,” you shrug, “I’m… looking for you…?” you say, tone of voice suggesting that you’re hesitant, almost a little shy to admit it to yourself.

Maybe you’re foolish for feeling this way. Because you know what all those things mean– you know what the lightness in your stomach is, what the giddy feeling resonating through you whenever the male smiles at you is. You know that thinking about someone constantly, more so before you sleep, isn’t an usual occurrence with someone you pay no attention to, with someone you don’t care about. You’ve been in love before– with the same man that’s standing right in front of you as well, funnily enough. You know what this all means.

But with how he’s inviting you in, letting you into his little bubble, you think it’s not as bad of a thing. He’s not pushing you away. He’s not building bridges. He’s the same way he was all those years ago, and you’d hate to find out that all of this wasn’t something more and was just him being nice.

“Well, that’s good to hear,” he chuckles, wiping his hands on the apron still tied around his waist. “I’m off in a few, though, so if you want anything from the bakery–”

“I’m not here for the food,” you laugh, dismissing him with a wave of your hand. The boldness is unusual for the present you– there’s a hint of your past shining through whenever you are with the boy, though. Maybe you like this sense of familiarity. Maybe you like to feel real again– maybe you like to feel like yourself. It’s hard to admit it, but you did lose your sense of identity after moving abroad. It’s hard to stay true to yourself with so many new people around and with so many expectations and responsibilities. The pressure changes you, and you now rely on Kim Sunwoo to bring you back to default– to where you’re supposed to be.

“Okay, then,” he nods, thankfully not making a big deal out of your desperate visit, “what would you like to do?” he asks, eyes sparkling under the lights when he looks at you. It’s like an open invitation– he gives you the chance to tell him how you’d like to spend your time with him. He did this a lot when you two were younger as well. It felt good to have someone that would make the effort to enjoy your hobbies with you– no matter how disinterested he could be in the matter.

“Hang out… I guess…?” you hum, shrugging. You didn’t really have anything planned. All you knew was that you wanted to be with him. It’s like the heart’s calling– you don’t know when your inner monologue got so cliche.

“Anything specific?” he asks.

Chewing on the inside of your cheek, you shake your head in disapproval. You fear that you disappointed him, let him down in some way– you came all the way here, after all. You could’ve made something up on the way, couldn’t you? But still– just like the Sunwoo you once knew, so lively and full of ideas– he just purses his lips for a second before speaking the suggestion into existence.

“Well… do you want to bake with me? Like the old times?” he says, sending you a look full of warm honey.

You wouldn’t say no to that invitation. You’d be crazy to do so.

The Kim Sunwoo you used to bake cookies with in the comfort of your kitchen back home wasn’t so skilled in making the dough like he is now. He wasn’t so good at knowing the recipe from memory, nor was he gifted with the kitchen appliances he has now, all professional and shiny, reserved just for the use of the bakery. You don’t really know if he even had the love for baking in him back then– you just know you two enjoyed your time together, and when you are young, that’s all you really cared about anyway. It didn’t matter that he let the cookies burn sometimes. It didn’t really matter that they didn’t turn out well on some days– all morphing into one big block, making you cut the dough into pieces so you could eat it when you accidentally added too much butter.

He still looks the same, though. A few years older, but with the same boyish aura to him when he wipes dirty hands on his apron. All grown up now, but still with the same glint in his eye whenever he looks up at you in between your conversations. When you’re with him, you no longer feel the distance between who you are and who you used to be, the distance between you and him. It’s like the old days, but a little better.

Maybe you have more time now.

The two of you work on the cookie dough, enveloped in a comfortable conversation. “You have to add more sugar,” Sunwoo hums from next to you, watching as you work on the mixture.

“Isn’t it funny how I was the one always giving you directions when we baked together and now you’re the one ordering me around?” you laugh, taking the sugar from the counter and sprinkling more in, listening to the opinion of a professional.

“Well, my cookies don’t turn into one big blob of dough anymore,” he jokes, laughing. “Besides, it’s my job now, so you’d kind of expect me to be good at it.”

“You can’t be so sure of that…” you hum, shaking your head.

“Why? Do you have any experience with being bad at your job?”

“Oh you bet I do,” you laugh, nodding. “I was an intern before, Sunwoo. A colleague of mine once tried to console me by saying being an intern means being bad at the job, so it wasn’t that big of a deal, but I still cried myself to sleep multiple nights,” you conclude, thinking back to your New York endeavors.

“That bad?” Sunwoo asks empathetically.

“Yeah. Mixed up everyone’s coffee order on my first day. When I was confronted about it, I tried to play it off by saying I don’t have a good memory…” you muse.

“Well, it’s hard to remember a lot of stuff at once, to be fair–”

“I was getting coffee for three people, Sunwoo. Objectively speaking, it shouldn’t be as hard…” you say, now thinking back to the events of your internship with more humor than embarrassment.

Sunwoo laughs at your story, shaking his head in disbelief. “Not worse than my teammate back in Boston. The first match of the season, he scored a goal against our own team. His reasoning? He used to play against the goalie back in high school, so he got confused.”

The boy takes over at making the dough once it’s the turn to add in the chocolate chips, glancing at you momentarily when you laugh at his anecdote. Watching him from the side, you heave out through your laughs. “That’s actually hilarious,” you get out, washing your hands in the sink. “What about some funny stories about yourself, though?”

“Don’t have any. I’m too perfect to humiliate myself like that,” he notes, pressing his lips together and raising his eyebrows at you in an ironic expression, nodding.

“Oh, as if–”

“How is it?” he asks you suddenly in the middle of the sentence, seemingly done with kneading the mixture. Sunwoo puts the cookie dough in front of your lips, waiting for you to taste it. You’d do it all the time when you were both teenagers, but back then, the gesture didn’t feel half as intimate as the mere image of it does now.

Locking eyes with the male, you hesitantly open your mouth and let him put the dough into it, tasting the sweetness on your tongue. Sunwoo’s eyes darken, as if he’s just realized what he’s done, the weight of the situation falling down on him as your tongue comes in contact with the skin of his fingertips. Gulping, he watches as you suck the tip of his digit into your mouth, getting all last remains of the sweetness off of it, something in the air shifting towards a direction you didn’t expect from tonight.

“Good,” you nod, licking your lips, “delicious.”

Seconds turn to what feels like eternities as you stop all motion and look into each other’s eyes, finding any hint of disapproval with the so obvious turn of events. His chocolate orbs peer into yours, making you ignite with something close to an urge you can’t control, his eyes anchoring themselves to the curve of your lips when you decide to let go of all anxiety and insecurities and just go for it. The cookie dough was sweet, but you’ve never tasted anything sweeter than Sunwoo’s lips. You might just have to refresh your mind, you think.

Leaning closer to him, your breathing mixing in the few centimeters left between your mouths, you relish in the déja vu this action brings you. It feels like yesterday, yet also centuries ago since you last kissed the male, and although you’re sure you enjoyed it back then, you wish you could’ve told the younger you to kiss him more often, more firmly, with more passion, maybe even sooner. For longer.

Pressing your lips against his first, almost like always– since Kim Sunwoo was a bit shy with his kisses when you were both just high school seniors– your eyes shut close and everything around you disappears. You guess there’s something about baking that makes the two of you want to feed off each other’s lips– except this time, it’s not practice anymore. It’s not innocent, it’s not clueless. This time, it’s real, alive and passionate. You can’t say you hate the sentiment, the weird parallel your relationship has come to. It’s like you’re reliving your life again, but this time, you know how the story ends– you know how to fix the ending. How to keep him here.

Sunwoo’s more experienced than he was when you kissed him for the first time. He’s less shy and more bold, lips firmer against yours, but still careful and gentle. His hand comes up to cradle your jaw and position you so he has the best access to your mouth as he slips his tongue in, as if chasing down the taste of cookie dough he fed you just a few seconds ago, and although you liked to battle him when you were young, you let him win this time– you let him take you home, bring your mind to where it’s supposed to be.

Hands gripping the front of his shirt, but immediately going to circle around his neck when a particular movement of his makes you moan slightly into his mouth, you play with the hair on his nape and feel him shuddering under your movements, an automatic response that makes fondness spread over your chest. Everything about him is familiar to you– he still reacts the same way to your tender ministrations, he still smiles against your lips when you tangle your fingers through his hair and want to ground yourself in the touch.

You know him like the palm of your hand. It’s easy to get lost in something you are so familiar with, in someone that was once your everything. It’s easy to indulge too much in something that was forcefully taken from you, to get right back where you left with him, because time and circumstances were never on your side.

A touch of his hand on the side of your neck, lips trailing down your mouth towards your jaw. The boldness, the urgency of his movements is enough to have you turn your back against the counter, his body pressed tightly against yours. His palms under the backside of your knees have you sitting up on the cold marble, his lips never breaking away from your skin.

You’re enjoying the shift in the dynamic. You’re enchanted with the way he handles you, like he’s been starved of you for years, wanting to chase down all the time you spent away from each other. Breathing heavily, feeling his plush lips sucking down on the sweet spot under your ear, then trailing down the side until he reaches the juncture of your neck, an involuntary “God…” slips past your mouth.

“I missed you,” he says, words muffling against your skin, “I missed you so much, I felt like I was going crazy.”

The confession makes you dizzy, your whole body growing weak. It’s like he knows exactly what words you wanted to hear. It’s like he knows what haunted you all those years, what you kept asking the universe on sleepless nights over and over, praying for an answer. It’s like he knows exactly how to get you close to him, to have you completely let go of the past.

“I missed your jokes,” he says, planting a kiss on your neck. “I missed your smile,” he presses another one a little more up, “I missed your laugh,” another kiss, now on your jaw. “I missed holding your hand,” a peck planted to the corner of your lips, “and I missed kissing you…” he trails off, pointing his attention back on your mouth, locking the two of you together again, as if kissing you was his new addiction and you were the drug.

Sunwoo’s hot hand creeps up your waist, fingers slipping under the thin fabric of your tank top. The contact makes you shiver in response, your bodies still as responsive to each other as back when you were 19, and when you tug at his bottom lip with your teeth and slip your tongue back into his mouth, you feel the boy tug at the right strap of your top, sliding it down your shoulder. You’re barely registering the bowl of dough to your right, the fact that you’re in the kitchen of Juyeon’s parent’s bakery, or the fact that you only just met the boy two weeks ago for the first time in years. All you focus on is him– his touch, his taste, the way he makes you feel. All you know is longing. The desire.

Before you have the chance to take anything further, the sound of the door opening makes you jump away from each other– your head almost hitting the top cabinets, had Sunwoo not instinctively put his hand there to shield you from the impact. Before you get a chance to register what’s happening, a familiar voice calls for you, their tone a little guilty and bashful.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to interrupt, or anything–” Juyeon peeps, clearing his throat.

Glancing at Sunwoo, you see his cheeks redden at being caught by his older friend, yet his eyes still roll in annoyance at the interruption. You can’t help but try to hide your face into his shoulder– it’s not like you’re embarrassed of being with Sunwoo, you’re just embarrassed that it had to happen here, of all places.

“Well, you just did,” Sunwoo grunts, frustration coating his words.

“I’m just here to grab something,” Juyeon hums, almost racing through the room to get to the fridge on the other side of the kitchen, taking out a carton of milk from the inside and showing it to the two of you. “This is gonna go bad soon, so I’m taking it home to use it. Uhm.. anyways, well, don’t let me stop you in anything… bye!”

Neither of you greet the male back, instead sharing a meaningful, knowing look between each other. The view of your first boyfriend with his lips puffy, cheeks flushed and hair a little disheveled makes your senses go crazy, and although you’d like to continue what you started, you don’t think now is the right time or place.

Hopping off the counter, you smile. “So… where were we with the cookies?”

to. my first girlfriend

May 2000

Eyes trained on the ball, feet restless as he runs across the field to retrieve it and pass it to one of the shooters– either Donghyuck or Jinyoung, the more capable ones of the team– Sunwoo finds himself completely focused on the game. It’s one of the last matches of the season, and since he doesn’t know if he’s ever going to play his favorite sport again– he hasn’t received a verdict on the university applications he sent yet– the boy figures he should enjoy each game like it’s the last. Because who knows– one day, it may as well be, and if he’s not prepared for it, if he has any regrets, he knows he��ll take it harder than he’s supposed to.

Kim Sunwoo’s position in football is midfielder. While Eric once told him that it’s a loser position, since he’s not the shooter and he doesn’t score many goals (which is a lie– the boy had him know he scored his fair share despite his defensive position on the field), Sunwoo’s grown to love it. He’s the one that’s supposed to counter all attacks on his teammates. He’s the one that runs after the ball and passes it to the shooters, so technically, he’s the reason why any of them even have the opportunity to score. His position is as important as any other player's, and he takes pride in the compliments he gets from his coach whenever he does particularly well at a game.

Sunwoo loves football. He’d say his first love is football, but something inside of him keeps telling him that that’s a lie (don’t ask him why. It’s a secret.). It’s the first game he’s ever been exceptionally good at, the first thing he could do for periods longer than a few weeks. He’s been playing with the ball since he was young, and although he never had a father to kick the football around with in his backyard, his sister was always happy to be included in anything he was into at the time– when she got older, she even got better at being his designated goalie, although less interested in the play itself. Sunwoo feels like he lets go of all worries when he plays. It’s good to have an escape, something to keep his mind occupied. He doesn’t have many things to worry about, but he finds that kicking the ball around, making strategies in his brain on how to get it to his teammates the fastest, is enough for him to get out both his frustration and get something nice out of it. He enjoys the thrill. He enjoys the excitement, the shared joy of the team whenever someone scores a goal. He is addicted to the ecstasy in his veins whenever his team wins.

It was easy to determine that if Sunwoo wanted to do anything for the rest of his life, it would be football. It’s what he enjoys, what he loves. It’s what he’s good at.

It’s strange to imagine a time when he wouldn’t play football. He doesn’t even want to imagine it in the first place– it makes a chill run down his spine and an unsettling feeling churn in his stomach. In a perfect world, he’s always a football player.

Everyone keeps telling him he could easily make it professional, if he tried.

Football is how he met most of his friends. It’s how he met Juyeon– he was the captain of the high school team when Sunwoo was a sophomore, and he found that hanging out with the older boy was easy and fun. It’s how he met Donghyuck and Jihoon (before the latter dropped out of the team after a few months). It’s how he met you.

His coach always warned the players about dating the cheerleaders. For his coach, it wasn’t right to do so– it would throw off the dynamic of the game. “Nobody wants their ex to stare at them during their game!” the coach had said– not even thinking of the possibility of any of those teenage romances to last. Sunwoo only laughed back then. It wasn’t something he should be afraid of– he never liked anyone on the cheer team.

Until… until he did. Sunwoo met you on one sunny day, at your joint cheer-slash-football practice. You pointed out that the number on his jersey– 03– was your favorite, and the boy felt himself smile. Ever since then, he never wore any other number. He considered it to be his lucky charm. What started as friendship blossomed into something much more for the boy, and somehow, he can’t even remember when the feelings he had for you morphed into adoration. He doesn’t know when they shifted Into absolute enchantment, or Into a silly crush– he doesn’t know when he started seeing you in a light that was more romantic.

Wearing your favorite number on his back, Sunwoo runs towards the opposing player. There’s something akin to an angry face playing with the man’s features, and Sunwoo imagines it’s because of the very clear lead his team has on them. Sunwoo makes sure he doesn’t slip as he tackles the opposing player– he swears he heard someone call the shooter Jaechan– and as soon as he secures the ball, Sunwoo aims to forward it to his teammate.

The screams resonating all around him– although he tries hard to filter them out to focus on the game completely– suggest that it’s only a few moments before the game is over. It wouldn’t matter even if they didn’t score the goal, but something inside of Sunwoo’s heart leaps at the thought of winning with such a lead. The boyish excitement only grows when he watches Donghyuck retrieve the goal and run towards the goalpost, neon-orange sneakers shining through the green grass.

“Come on!” Sunwoo cheers, a hopeful spark lighting within him as the boy prepares to shoot, eyes quickly scanning the field.

And Lee Donghyuck almost never lets him down. Maybe that’s why he liked the boy so much in the first place– Sunwoo didn’t like players that dismissed the chance he won for them. He liked the skillful ones. The ones that knew what they were doing. (He also liked Donghyuck’s humor. He found himself grateful to have a friend so funny. He made even losing feel like it wasn’t such a big deal.)

Choosing the golden shooter proved to be a good idea once again– Donghyuck, number 35, shoots for the goal and the ball gets in. Seconds after, the sound of a whistle is heard across the place, the game over with Sunwoo’s team winning 4:1.

Everyone cheers– yells from the audience are heard, excitement reeking through the air. The whole football team gathers around, sweaty bodies sticking together as they perform some sort of a cliche group hug, arms patting each other’s backs and complimenting each other’s play.

The commotion dissolves shortly after. Sunwoo finds himself trying to catch his breath, eyes looking across the space for someone in particular. His heart leaps even harder when he finds you standing at the edge of the field in your cheer uniform, a big smile plastered on your face. Your eyes are glimmering as they meet with his. Your hair is a little tousled from the routine you just finished doing and there are smears and smudges on your cheeks from the face paint you used to symbolize the team’s colors– blue and gold. Over-all, you look ecstatic.

Sunwoo finds himself running over to you before he even registers that he’s going to do it. He’s like a fast, unguided missile, the goal of getting to you as fast as possible being the only thing resonating through his excited mind.

“Good jo-” you grunt as the boy finally gets to you, words cutting off when he (maybe a little harshly) puts his arms around your middle and picks you up, twirling you around. You screech a little into his ear and he finds himself laughing at your reaction. It’s like a runner's high– he feels like right now, he is capable of everything.

“Okay! Okay! Put me down!” you laugh when you start to get a little dizzy. The boy complies, since he’s running out of strength to carry you anyways, and puts you back to your feet. His arms stay tightly wrapped around your body, though, locking you into a secure hug.

“We won!” he cheers, the brightest grin settling to his lips as he announces the obvious.

You beam at him, eyes soft and crinckled into little moon crescents, a dumbfounded smile playing with your features. “I know, Sherlock,” you dismiss him again with the teasing nickname, shaking your head in disbelief, “I was here. Cheering for you,” you say.

And sure, Sunwoo knows that by you, you don’t necessarily mean him in particular– more like cheering for the whole team, the whole 11 players on the field– but something about the sentiment makes his stomach feel all light and a slight blush spread over his glowing cheeks. You were here– cheering for him (and his team) – and although you’re here out of your own will, out of your own devotion to your hobby, he somehow feels grateful for your presence. You never miss a game. You went even when you caught the flu and felt too sick to do your cheer routine– you just sat on the bench and rooted for your best friend. (The team lost that match. Sunwoo felt a little bad for tugging you out of your bed for it.)

The boy studies your face for a while. You look perfectly content in his hold. You fit perfectly into his arms, he thinks– almost like you’re supposed to be there all the time. He should hug you more often, he decides. Sunwoo foolishly finds himself focusing onto your lips– he blames the shiny lipgloss you put on today– the words coming out of your mouth not quite registering in his brain. “As I was saying, good job! The whole team, but you especially. Don’t tell anyone, but I think you really shined in this game. I’m really prou–”

A single peck is pressed to your glossy, sticky lips, cutting you off in the middle of the sentence yet again. Sunwoo surprises himself with the gesture– he was always too shy to initiate something with you, too hesitant to even touch you sometimes– but the euphoria is still playing with his senses, clouding his brain. He doesn’t think of consequences.

He can’t control himself anymore. It’s been weeks since you two kissed for the first time– exactly 4 and a half weeks since you taught him how to do so– and since that afternoon, he found himself thinking about it every single day, every single minute, all. The. Time. You two haven’t spoken about it since, making the poor boy a little disappointed, but he respected your decision. He knew that you didn’t particularly reciprocate his feelings, but he still expected your dynamic to shift. At least a little bit.

And although he should’ve been glad nothing changed and your friendship didn’t crumble because of a simple kiss, he found himself desiring to kiss you every time he saw your face.

You peer at him with eyes wide open, mouth a little agape. Sunwoo doesn’t really know how to read your reaction– you didn’t look particularly happy, but you also didn’t push him away– and so in the moment of panic, he begins to backtrack, his arms untangling from your sides.

“I- I’m sorry if I overstepped any boundary, or if I–”

You’re not fans of letting each other finish their sentences today, it seems. Before Sunwoo gets a chance to put a bigger distance between the two of you, he watches as you get on your tippy-toes and press a tender kiss on his lips– more firmer than the one he dared to give you, a little bit longer, yet still sweetly short. There’s something soft and gentle in your gaze when you pull away and press another peck onto his face– the tip of his nose this time– and Sunwoo almost physically feels his knees turning into jello, his own celebratory firework show erupting in the pits of his stomach.

“So, as I was saying,” you hum, hugging the boy around his neck, “you did well. You looked good out there,” you peep, the sparks in your eyes making Sunwoo’s skin burn with their contact.

That day, you teach him that to be loved is to have someone sharing your achievements with. To be loved is to be adored, to be loved is to have someone watching you and cheering you on, to have someone to run to with good news.

Kim Sunwoo’s football team won the match, but the boy thinks that perhaps, that day, he won something even greater.

to. my first lover

August 2000

The admission papers arrive at his house the morning he’s supposed to sleep over at your house. Your parents decided to take a trip to your aunt’s place for two days, so you invite the boy into the comfort of your home for the weekend– as far as Sunwoo’s mother is concerned, he’s sleeping over at Juyeon’s. He doesn’t have the boy covering him, but he’s also sure his mother won’t try to check if he’s telling her the truth. He’s not banned from having a girlfriend– he just doesn’t want his mum to get any wrong ideas.

He finds the envelope in the mailbox when he comes home from school, and something in his stomach drops when he sees the american stamp on the top right corner of the white paper. He debates on opening it, but every time he hypes himself up enough to tear the top of the envelope off, a little anxious voice on his inside tells him to wait.

Although reluctant to admit it to himself, Sunwoo is a little scared to see the result of his university application. Before he leaves for your house, he puts the envelope into the front pocket of his backpack and tries to forget about it. It works a bit better when he sees your face, hears your laugh– when he spends time with you and you two play the new board game you got from your cousin. Still, the weight of the envelope keeps bugging him in his mind no matter how hard he tries forgetting about it, and you finally notice (or finally bring it up after hours of ignoring his weird mood) when the two of you lay together in your bed in the evening, both facing the ceiling.

“Is everything alright?” you ask.

“Hm?” Sunwoo hums, lost in thought. “Oh, yeah,” he nods, “don’t worry.”

You don’t seem convinced. Shuffling a little in your sheets, you turn towards him and move your body closer to his, your arm suddenly draping over his middle. A tender kiss is placed on his temple, almost making him crumble under the gentle care, and your voice earns a concerned kind of timbre when you speak to him. “You can tell me,” you hum, “boyfriends and girlfriends are supposed to tell each other things.”

Boyfriends and girlfriends. Sunwoo feels himself soften under the possessive title. It has been close to 4 months of you dating– starting with the winning match in April, progressing slowly through the summer break– but the fact that you’re his partner is still a little unbelievable to him. Sometimes, when he hears you call him your boyfriend, he still gets a little bashful. He still feels like he’s been told the greatest news of his life.

Maybe it’s the nature of this sentiment that has him slowly unraveling to you. And maybe, it’s because he’d tell you anyways– you’d be the first to know. He was just waiting for the right time to bring it up.

“The reply to my university application came in the mail this morning…” he trails off, chewing on the inside of his cheek.

You plop up on your elbow, watching the boy from above. Eyes big, you peer into his face. “And?” you ask, an expecting gaze glazing his features.

“I… I don’t know,” he shrugs, “I was too scared to open it alone.”

“O-Oh,” you nod, furrowing your brows at him, “well, it’s okay to be scared. I believe in you, but even if it doesn’t go the way you wanted it to, I’m still proud of you for trying,” you say, a gentle tone of voice cooing at him, like the nature of the way you play with his hair, wanting to make the boy relax from his anxieties.

“I have the letter here with me,” he says, swallowing, “in my bag.”

“Do you want to open it together?” you ask, watching as the boy nods.

He’s getting off the bed in no time, wearing just sweatpants and a baggy shirt to sleep in, grabbing his bag from the corner of your room and unzipping the small compartment at the front. His fingers take the envelope out, legs walking him over back to your bed, your figure now sitting against the headboard. Sunwoo finds himself mirroring your position as his fingers turn the little white thing in his hold with much stumbling, preparing himself for whatever answer awaits him inside.

Glancing at you, seeing you looking at him with an encouraging expression on your face, Sunwoo takes a big breath in and out to calm his nerves before he tears the top open and takes out the expensive-feeling paper. Not stopping his actions anymore, knowing that if he takes another moment to himself, he won’t be able to read the letter, he unravels the note and lets his eyes skim over the words.

Before he even has a chance to register the sentences written down in the letter, before he can even let his mind accept the result he’s given– ‘we are pleased to announce that you were admitted to the athlete scholarship program…’– he feels a pair of arms wrapping around his shoulders, jolting him awake from his thoughts.

“You made it! Oh my god, you made it!” you cheer, excitement taking over your whole body as you shake the boy in your hold from side to side. The reality still isn’t quite settling in for him, so he just lets you do whatever you please– which includes all of the following: screaming incoherent words into his ear when you hug him closer to your chest, planting a kiss to his cheek and throwing your hands up into the air in a winning gesture.

“You made it, Sunwoo,” you repeat, this time a little more collected.

Sunwoo finally allows himself to put the letter away and look into your eyes. “I made it,” he sighs, a soft smile playing with his features.

“You did!” you nod, grinning back.

It’s strange. The first step towards Sunwoo’s dream is now complete. He got admitted to the university of his dreams– the one that’s good for athletes, the one that is supposed to shoot him towards stardom. He has the opportunity to take classes there and train with some of the best aspiring players in the whole world. He has the opportunity to move out of the country, live at dorms in Boston, and most importantly, he has everyone’s support.

There’s nothing more a boy his age could want more. He has everything. His whole life ahead of him, only the brightest future waiting for him at the end– only if he keeps trying hard and improving. He’s happy. Don’t get him wrong– he really is. Somehow, though, it all feels a bit scary.

“What’s wrong? Aren’t you excited?” you ask, a pout taking over your once excited features. The amount of worries you have over Sunwoo gets bigger and bigger the older the two of you are. There are only so many things that can go wrong when you are a teenager, but now that you’re adulting, the list keeps getting longer.

“I am,” he nods, forcing a smile onto his lips.

“You don’t seem excited,” you argue.

“I am! I really am,” he says, trying to battle with himself.

“What is it?”

“What is what?”

“Come on, Sunwoo,” you sigh, “I can tell when something’s wrong. You don’t have to hide it from me, because I’ll know anyway. What is it?” you insist, staring the boy down with an examining look.

The boy sighs, shrugging to himself. “Well,” he starts, “the school is in America.”

“And?” you start, furrowing your eyebrows. “We knew that when you applied. Why is it such a problem now?” you ask, genuinely not grasping the whole situation.

Sunwoo chews on his cheek for a little while, plays with his fingers in his lap. A part of him is telling him that he both looks and seems foolish– because you’re right. It was his dream, he is excited, and this is good news. But still, there’s something he didn’t really think of when applying. Well, he did. He just thinks that the fact that him being accepted wasn’t really a realistic idea, no matter how hard he wished and prayed for it, so he didn’t have the need to think about it so seriously back then. Now it’s here, all real, and it’s a struggle he didn’t really grasp that he was going to have to go through.

“Well,” he starts again, still avoiding your eyes, “that means I have to move. And we won’t see each other for a while.”

There’s a heartbeat of silence following his confession– one in which he contemplates all possible reactions you might give him, some with truly catastrophic endings– but after what seems like eternities, he hears your soft, gentle voice. “Is that what’s making you so worried?” you ask.

“Kind of,” he nods, feeling his cheeks redden. You handle him with so much care– sometimes, he doesn’t know how to react.

“Awh,” you coo, taking his hand into yours, preventing him from picking at the skin of his cuticles until they bleed– an action he always does and you keep scolding him for. “Sunwoo, we knew about this when you applied. I am okay with you going away. Sure, it will suck, but it’s only for a little time, and I can come visit you there and you’ll show me around and stuff…”

Sunwoo presses a tight-lipped, hesitant smile to his lips. He feels reassured.

“And we’ll call, and it’s going to be fine, because this is good. This is good news, Sunwoo, and you’re gonna do great, and you’re gonna be a star, and I’ll be so, so proud of you,” you hum, voice tender and caring, doing your best at consoling the boy.

“I’m already so proud of you now, y’know?” you hum, squeezing his hand. “Everything will be alright, so don’t you worry.”

Sunwoo’s arms reach out to envelop you into a hug. He once again recognises how easily you fit into his arms, how perfectly you shape into his skin, and when he burrows his nose into your neck, breathing in your scent, he feels your lips reach into his hair, planting a soft kiss into it. Your words did more to the boy than only consult him– they gave him hope, they gave him joy, they made him feel like perhaps, this is not such a terrifying occurrence. And it really isn’t– it’s quite possibly the best thing that he’s ever achieved, and the circumstances of him leaving don’t seem as horrifying to him now.

As long as he knows that you have his back, he thinks he can do anything. And what’s 3 years abroad against the 4 years he’s known you?

When you pull away, you press your lips against his, the contact making his muscles finally relax and his mind let go of all the worries. There’s suddenly nothing in the world that could make him falter, nothing that could make him worry or stress or fret or change his mind, because he has your support, and you’re here with him, promising him that you’ll always be right by his side, wherever he is.

Your mouth molds against his, the familiar motion of your lips against his still surprising him sometimes, still making him curious even after those months. He’s been dating you for some while, but he still likes to explore what makes you crumble under him, what makes you hum into the kiss, what makes you tug him closer to you– it’s a fun game to him, trying to figure you out completely.

He still has some time, but it’s like he is trying to engrave those moments into his memory before he no longer can experience them first-hand as easily.

He goes out to explore again– his tongue gently inviting itself into your mouth with a swipe of your lower lip, relishing in the way your composure falters a little bit, letting him be in charge. You were always the more experienced one out of you two, so Sunwoo often shied away from being the one dominating intimate situations– afraid he’s not good enough, too inexperienced, too immature for you– but in the rare moments he does take the lead, your reactions give him a new source of confidence.

His hand comes up to cradle your jaw, nose pressing against your cheek as he angles you so he has more access to your lips. Something about his ministrations makes you forget to breathe, breaking away from him in a search for much needed oxygen, but Sunwoo acts like he’s been starved of you, latching his lips to the trail from your mouth towards your neck, planting open-mouthed kisses to your soft skin. He faintly remembers the time you gave him a lovebite that one time you came over to his house to work on homework together, sucking and biting at his neck (and although he enjoyed seeing the possessive bruise on his skin whenever he saw himself in the mirror, he wore the strings of his hoodies tightly tied to his neck, shielding him from being teased by everyone– but mostly Eric). He tries to mirror your motions, recreating the action to the best of his abilities.

He hears you grunt, making him fear that he’s doing it wrong– a momentarily panic settling in his chest screaming at him that he hurt you– but the worries are quickly dismissed as you move impossibly closer to the boy, straddling his lap and threading your fingers through his hair, keeping him close.

Humming under his touch, Sunwoo gets a kick from hearing the sounds coming out of your mouth. It’s like a reward– it’s like the praise he goes after his whole life, like validation of his actions being satisfactory for you. The pressure of your body against his lap makes him feel hot all over, sweaty hands holding you by your sides. Every slightest shift of your figure against his makes him shudder, composure faltering when you move in a way that has his breathing particularly quicken, a bundle of nerves forming in his stomach from the newly found hypersensitivity. There’s only so much fabric shielding the two of you from each other, and just the thought of it is slowly driving the boy crazy.

Pulling away from your neck, admiring the artwork he managed to portray on your skin, he feels you pulling him up to meet your lips again, heated, firm kisses shared in the silence of the room. He feels your hands resting on his abdomen, feeling him up for a moment before you sneak them under the hem of his shirt, dragging your nails against his skin.

Sunwoo hears a sound escape his throat at the contact, making him instantly feel foolish– until he feels you smile against his lips, following your ministrations by mirroring his previous actions and kissing down his neck, finding all the spots that make him the most reactive– like the place under his ear, the juncture of his shoulder. You revisit all the places you’ve tested before and perfected your aim to make him efficiently crumble under you. Sunwoo finds himself losing the initial control he had over the situation, instead letting you take over and lead him, much like you’ve done in most areas of his life. He likes to be your follower. He likes to see where you want him, where you need him, he likes to comply. It’s more comfortable for him this way. It makes him swell with pride when he makes you happy.

Another shift of your hips against him has Sunwoo digging his fingers to your side, whole body feeling like it’s electrified under your touch. Placing a soft peck to the spot you’ve had your attention on, you mumble into his skin. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah,” Sunwoo swallows, noticing you leaning your forehead against his tenderly, eyes meeting.

“Are you sure?”

He nods. He’s never been more sure about anything in his life– he enjoys your company, he loves your touch, the way you make his every sense heighten, his heart beat quicker. Still, he feels a bit nervous at the prospected events. “I just– I’ve never done this before,” Sunwoo whispers the obvious, watching as you carefully observe him.

“Sweetheart,” you tenderly call, placing a soft peck to his lips. “That’s okay. Me neither, but we could… we could try and see where this leads us, if you’d like?”

The sweet pet name alone makes the boy let go of all his worries, of the stress and nerves he’s been holding on to for the past few weeks. You hold him like he’s going to break, and Sunwoo’s never felt so loved before. You reassure him that it’s going to be okay. You are there to remind him that life isn’t so hard, as long as you’re by his side.

“Okay,” he nods, smiling at you.

“Okay,” you repeat, holding his face in your hands as you kiss him again– it may as well be for the thousandth time. Truth is, while he tried to keep up at first, Sunwoo lost count a long time ago.

Everything there is to know about love, Kim Sunwoo learned from you. You showed him the childlike playfulness during your dates. You taught him how to kiss, only to take advantage of his newly found skills and keep them all for yourself. You showed him what it is to share joys, dreams, but also worries together. You were his first crush, date, relationship– and now, his first lover.

In the comfort of your childhood bedroom, holding you closer than ever, Sunwoo dreams of eternity with you. He doesn’t realize what a foolish thought it might be. Somehow, he’s got a feeling that no matter what it is, you two will figure it out. You always do.

to. my first love

September 2000

Muscles sore and whole body heaving in pain, Sunwoo trails inside the small bungalow the university gave him as student accommodation, dropping his duffel bag to the floor. His face is pulled into a small frown as he enters the house and his roommate can’t help but notice. “Everything alright?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Sunwoo hums, nodding at the question. He has 3 assigned roommates– all male, all around his age. Sunwoo’s english isn’t bad, but it also isn’t that great either. He knew that this was going to be one of the main concerns of him moving out abroad, but he figured that the more you encounter the language, the more comfortable you get with it. Due to this, though, the two American boys he rooms with– their names are Josh and Sam– aren’t as close with him. Sunwoo doesn’t really blame them. It’s not like he tried to get close with them anyway. He talks much more with Mark, the one year older boy that’s also Korean, but has been living in the States for years now. The language barrier is nearly nonexistent there, and so he feels much more comfortable.

Not comfortable enough to vent to him about his problems, though. It’s good to share a laugh with Mark when they eat breakfast together in the kitchen, but he won’t go on and talk his ear off about his homesickness, for example. Sunwoo wouldn’t talk to him about the weird, unsettling feeling in his gut whenever he takes the bus or walks down the street, not recognising every face he encounters like he did back home, in his small town. He won’t tell Mark Lee about how much he misses Korea– he’s sure the boy has his own things to worry about. Besides, it’s not like Mark talks about personal stuff with him either. After four days of living here, he can’t say their relationship got to the level of going deep with their personal lives.

And so, Sunwoo walks up the stairs in silence, not giving Mark more information about his mood. Each step up hurts, since the training is twice as demanding as it used to be at home, making his muscles sore and his back hurt terribly from the stone hard mattress in the bed of his new home. He is willing to endure it, but he also has the terrific need to complain about it to anyone that would be willing to listen.

He should start writing a diary, he thinks as he stares up on the ceiling, chewing on the inside of his cheek. It sounds good enough to channel his feelings out into while also not being a bother to anyone else. Besides, he doesn’t want anyone to know that he’s having a hard time here in Boston. This was all his decision, his dream, and sometimes, things are going to get difficult. And that’s okay. Sunwoo just… feels like he lacks the support system he once had back home in Korea. Like someone took it from between his fingertips, forcefully kept it away from him, locked somewhere miles away. Maybe the person who did that to him was himself all along…

Which is why he doesn’t deserve to whine about the fact that he feels terribly lonely. He did this to himself. All him.

If he had a diary, he’d write about the terrible mattress first, he thinks. Then, the weird weather around here– it’s always hot, but not humid. It doesn’t rain as much. He kind of misses the rain.

If he had a diary, he’d write about how he misses his old coach. The high school coach that always made sure the game was fun, yet productive. He misses his teammates as well. Their team never did big things, but he felt like they were some sort of a family. They knew each other well on the field. They had chemistry. They had fun.

He’d write about how he misses his annoying little sister. How he wishes she would appear in the doorway of his room and talked to him about the stickers she still collects, or dragged him to make another friendship bracelet together. How he feels bad for leaving her all alone back home, even though he was never the one to share his brotherly love for her so outwardly growing up. He feels a sort of appreciation for her that he didn’t quite understand when they were little. They are right when they say your sibling is your first best friend after all.

He’d write about the second best friend he’s ever made, Eric. He’d write about how he longs for his presence, his encouraging words. His funny remarks, the pranks he’d pull on him. How he always appreciated him being just across the street, how he enjoyed growing up with him by his side.

He’d write about how much he misses you– perhaps the most out of everyone. There aren’t many words he could use to describe how much he wishes for your presence, and so he thinks the pages filled with sentences directed to you would be rather sparse, and it makes him kind of sad to think about. In his mind, you deserve novels written about you. You deserve love letters and poems and essays filled with every little detail of your existence. Maybe if Sunwoo loved you less, he would be able to talk about it more.

When his eyes go out of focus staring at the ceiling, Sunwoo decides to call you. It’s been 4 days since he arrived and he hasn’t spoken to you since you waved him off to the airport. His mother drove him and you couldn’t go to send him off at the gate, but Sunwoo almost thinks he prefers the fact that you only said goodbye to him in front of his house. It would be that much harder if he saw your face the last thing before boarding the plane.

For the last four days, he’s been slowly settling in, taking in the new country and the new environment. He’d say he was just too busy to call, but that would be a lie.

He was just scared to hear your voice. Terribly.

What if you changed your mind? What if you no longer want to stay with him? What if it’s too hard to handle? And Sunwoo knows it’s hard– hell, it’s the most difficult thing he’s ever done– but all he wishes is for you to keep handling it well. To keep his heart in your hands gently, like you always have, sending him your energy.

He figures that if there’s one thing that can help his growing homesickness, it is to hear your voice.

Sitting up from his bed and walking over to the bag he carried with him through the airport and kept with him on the plane, he scrambles through the item to find the piece of paper you forced into his hand on the driveway of his house.

“We changed our landline yesterday, so call me on this number when you get there,” you said, pressing a kiss towards his cheek before you let him get into his mother’s car. Sunwoo promised to call back then– he hopes you don’t mind the delay. Maybe he could blame the timezones…

Hand thrusting into the front pocket of the bag, Sunwoo feels around and tries to fish out the little piece of paper. He’s 100% certain he put it there after he got into the car with his mum, making sure it’s safe and sound. He would hate to lose it– it was some sort of safety net for him. Something to fall back to, something to keep him above the water.

Panic settles in his chest when he doesn’t feel the soft piece of paper anywhere. The boy unzips all other compartments of the bag, turning it around, shaking out everything that’s inside. The phone number to your new landline has to be there somewhere in there. It needs to be.

When he doesn’t find it in his bag, he opens his closet. He throws everything out to the ground– his clothing, his shoes, the notebooks he bought for university– all in the search of the stupid, little, yet so important piece of paper. He searches through all his other bags. All pockets of his jeans, every centimeter of his folded clothing. All drawers of his desk, the whole floor, hell, he even crouches to check under his bed, blowing the dust bunnies out of reach, desperately hoping he could wish the paper into existence. He searches his bed. All possible parts where the landline number could be– some more unreasonable than others. Sunwoo feels like he is losing his mind.

The paper is nowhere in his room. It’s like it vanished. Was it really there at all? Did he dream that moment up?

Running down the stairs towards the landline, he takes the phone off the wall and punches in the numbers to your old landline, the pattern so familiar in his fingertips he couldn’t tell you the number if you asked, but he could recreate it with punching in the buttons in on any other phone in the world. He clenches his fist together, breathing more heavily as he listens in, praying for the universe to stop playing tricks on him and make you magically answer on the other side.

When the phone makes a dismissive sound, signaling that the number he called no longer exists, Sunwoo shuts the phone against the wall and takes it again, putting in your old number once more, like a summoning ritual. Maybe he put the numbers in wrong the first time… Maybe he made a mistake somewhere along the way…

When he gets the same response, he tries again. And again. And again.

He can’t believe it. Tension settles into his shoulders, making him twirl the cord of the landline in between his fingers as a way to calm himself down, listening in to the dull noise on the other side telling him there’s nothing that can be done, nothing more that he can do. He doesn’t have the number, and somehow, although it sounds foolish, it feels like he lost you alongside it too.

“Everything alright, man? You look–” Mark enters the room, peering at the boy with curious, worried eyes. It’s only now that Sunwoo realizes he is breathing heavily, fingers clammy on the cord, heart begging to run out of his chest to get all across the ocean to you. It’s only now that he realizes his cheeks are wet with tears, the solidification of his inner turmoil taking a physical form and appearing on his face, making him feel pathetic in front of the older boy.

Sunwoo once again puts the phone back to its original place, but this time, he doesn’t take it back and tries the useless old phone number again. Simply turning away from his roommate, he accepts his fate as he quickly puts on his shoes and slams the door shut after him, going out for a run.

Is this his punishment for waiting too long? Did the paper vanish out of his possession because he was deemed unworthy of hearing your voice? Should he have tried to look for the number earlier? Would this have prevented it?

It’s hard to run when your nose is stuffed and your breathing hitches with silenced sobs, he learns. Sunwoo doesn’t get as far as he would have liked, crumbling on a bench somewhere next to a playground, picking at the dry skin of his lips until they bleed and the irony taste on his tongue snaps him back into reality.

What was once his dream is starting to feel more like a nightmare. When he calls Eric two days after to ask him to get him your new landline number, he gets the news that you abruptly moved out to New York.

September 2007

“If you really think about it, Y/N,” Sunwoo hums, making you shift your attention towards his serious-looking face, “we never really broke up in the first place.”

The boy is holding a bottle of cider in his hand, one of the four you got on your way to your tonight’s destination. Sunwoo rang the bell to your house a few minutes before 10 PM, and although you weren’t expecting to see him that day and you weren’t even looking as presentable as you’d like, you agreed to take a walk with him. Somehow, the two of you found yourselves climbing over the fence of your old high school, sneaking into the football field, figures settling on one of the benches of the tribune.

“Oh yeah,” you hum, lightness evident in your tone, “you just never called. What’s up with that, by the way?” you ask, snickering when you watch the male avert his gaze in a bashful manner, as if he was embarrassed to tell you his reasoning.

You take a sip of the apple cider, enjoying the sweet, fruity taste on your tongue, watching as the male contemplates his next response for a bit, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “I lost your new landline number,” he peeps, voice barely louder than a whisper.

His answer doesn’t register immediately in your brain. The words take a moment to string themselves together into a sentence, taking another few seconds before you understand the meaning of his confession. A soft laugh drags out of your throat, disbelief coating your very essence. “What?”

“Yeah,” he nods, scratching the back of his neck before looking back at you, eyes full of guilt and shame, “I… I lost the number you gave me, and when I called Eric to try to make him get me your new number, he told me you moved to New York, and I guess… I guess I took it as a sign…?” he says, shrugging.

“A sign of what?” you ask, genuinely surprised to hear his answer.

All this time, you thought he didn’t call because he didn’t want to. You thought he didn’t call because he was too busy, too tired to deal with anything else other than his career at the moment. He was trying his hardest and training every day, so you understood that he wouldn’t have time for you every day. When he didn’t call for so long, even after you moved to the States as well– you hoped he’d somehow try searching for your number even then, because in your mind, everything was possible– one day, you just… stopped waiting for him to call. You stopped hoping you would hear his voice on the other side of the line.

And you accepted it. He realized long distance relationships were too difficult to maintain, especially in that time and age, and he had too many of his own worries to take care of before focusing his attention somewhere else. You didn’t resent him, no. You longed for him, you missed him, but you never once hated him for the decision he made. You wished him well, all this time.

“A sign that… that maybe we weren’t meant to be,” he hums, shrugging. “It sounds stupid, really, but…” he trails off, cutting himself off in the middle of the sentence.

Something about his confession makes you feel a bit lighter. Your shoulders feel like there’s no longer anything weighing them down. It’s not like you waited for an explanation all those years and when you finally got one, something in you shifted into a more comfortable position.

“For me, back then, you were the right person, wrong time. And I didn’t want to let you go, I really didn’t, it’s just… everything was already so hard and the world seemed to put so many obstacles in my way of contacting you, that I thought it was the universe telling me to drop it and let you go. So you could… so you could find someone else, I guess…” he finishes explaining. He averts his gaze from you, pointing it towards the empty field, as if scared to see your reaction to his blabbering. He takes another few sips of his cider, snickering. “It wasn’t fair of me to want you to wait for me either.”

So you could find someone else… You think back to all the times you went on dates after you concluded that your relationship with Sunwoo was over. You try to remember their faces, their mannerisms in such detail that you could only make up one of your previous lovers– the one sitting next to you right now– and you chuckle at your foolishness. Remembering how you kept comparing every new person in your life to the one that stole your heart first, remembering how you thought about him late at night, wondering where he is right now and how he’s doing. You used to look through the sports parts of newspapers, looking for his name somewhere, looking for his team name, but never seeing a glance of how he was doing. You wore the stupid friendship bracelet he gave you in your junior year around in New York, having people point it out and ask about it, all until it broke off by itself one day and you reluctantly said goodbye to the sentiment.

You dated around after losing contact with Sunwoo. You don’t really think you found someone else, though.

“I wanted to wait for you, though,” you say, shuffling closer to the male on the bench, voice sincere. “It was my decision.”

“Well,” he chuckles, “life had other plans for us two.”

His sentence makes you think. A few days ago, it would make you sad. Embarrassed, even. Life had other plans for you two and they didn’t align with what you two have calculated during the summer break after your senior year. Sunwoo didn’t become a star. His football career never took off. He finished his degree and came back home, bitter and heartbroken.

Your plans ended just as fast as you came up with them. Not going to university after high school, you were left with nothing to do. When the opportunity to take an internship for a news company in New York came to you so suddenly, you took it without thinking, trying to find your place in the big world ahead of you. You had no plan, but you think that maybe, some part of you wanted to get away from your hometown all along. You wanted to do big things, make everyone proud. Being a news anchor wasn’t even something you dreamed of when you were little, so you guess you weren't supposed to really feel that let down, but the defeat still stings.

Or, at least, it used to. You find that the failure doesn’t hurt as much anymore.

Looking at the male next to you, you think you know the reason why. “It’s okay,” you say, shrugging, “we figured it out anyways, didn’t we?”

“Yeah,” Sunwoo sighs, looking at you with a soft smile playing with his lips. “I guess we did.”

The sound of cicadas hits your ears when you two fall into a comfortable silence. Healing old wounds was surely one of the items on your check list when you came back home, but you didn’t expect to get over things so quickly. You don’t think you would have been able to get over everything alone, though– and this makes you twice as grateful to still have Sunwoo by your side. A sense of nostalgia takes over you at the fact, but this time, it hits you with more fondness than longing for the old times.

“Remember how young we were? It’s like I still see you chasing the ball around the field when I focus hard enough,” you say, pointing ahead of you.

Sunwoo laughs, shaking his head at your antics. “Yeah. I almost see you leading the cheer practice in the back there,” he points, “in your cute cheer uniform, with the ridiculous pom poms in your hands–”

“Hey, don’t call them ridiculous,” you gasp, “they were my favorite part of the whole routine!”

“Oh, I could tell,” he laughs, poking fun at you.

“Well, you must have liked the pom poms enough to stare at me during practice all the time,” you shrug, teasing the male back. The fact that Sunwoo had a crush on you long before you reciprocated the feelings wasn’t something you two explicitly talked about before, but you always deemed as clear as day. Or, at least, it was to everyone back then.

“I did not–” he gasps, making you gently shove him with your elbow.

“Come on, everybody used to say you had a crush on me back then,” you hum, “you were pretty obvious with it too.”

“You knew?” he looks at you, eyes big and surprised. Gears clearly running in his head, he tries to piece the information together, running through the memories now so distant, but still so clear.

“Girls always know,” you point out, shrugging. You take another sip of your cider, licking your lips after and speaking up again, tone of voice almost confidential. “I just acted like I didn’t. But then I realized I liked you back, so I was trying everything in my power to make you confess to me first. Which… took you long enough, young man,” you giggle, seeing the male shake his head at you in disapproval.

“You could’ve confessed first, if you were so confident,” he mutters, obviously a little gutted by the revelation.

“That would be below my level,” you nod, pressing your lips together into a straight line, “besides, it was fun watching you act all cute and clueless.”

“Don’t call me cute and clueless–”

“That’s what you were, though! Like the time when you got super drunk on your birthday and begged me not to leave–”

“I didn’t even like you back then!”

“Sure you didn’t.”

“I was in denial,” he furrows his brows theatrically, putting the empty glass bottle to the grass, “but I see that you had a lot of fun watching me suffer.”

“Fine, pretty boy,” you say, catching a glimpse of the boy momentarily shying away, presumably at the endearing nickname, his cheeks tinting pink even in the faint moonlight. “Would it make you feel better if I confessed first this time?”

“Huh?” the boy asks, lips parted, eyes a big, honest pool of honey.

Cute and clueless, you think.

The story comes full circle when you realize that this football field is perhaps what started it all. This is where you ran up to the new addition to the team, saying that your favorite number was on the back of his jersey. As the leader of the cheerleading team, you took it as your job to make every newbie feel welcomed– no matter if they were a fellow cheerleader or a football player. You didn’t expect for the boy to never stop wearing the number– although it was your favorite, it didn’t seem to be so important back then. (One day, you learned that Sunwoo kept the number on his jersey even after moving abroad. You read it in one of the sports magazines you foolishly flipped through in every kiosk you encountered and almost teared up in the busy store after.)

This field is where you watched him play football every week. It’s where you both practiced, sending each other funny faces after the coach was mean to either of you for not being focused on your training.

This is where Sunwoo found his passion– where he found his dream. This is the place that shifted the next couple of years of your life towards all sorts of directions. This is where he kissed you after winning a match, a gleeful confession slipping past his lips. This is where your relationship started, and metaphorically, also ended. The field that kept you apart is now a thousand miles away, but the one that brought you together is now right in front of you.

You guess it’s only right to use it for new beginnings.

“I think… I think I’m still in love with you, Sunwoo,” you start slowly, playing with your fingers in your lap, “well, I don’t know if my feelings for you ever ended… they could’ve, I mean, we were apart for so long… I just… all I know is that I don’t want us to be apart anymore, and I–”

Your words die on your tongue when the boy cuts you off with a kiss, the taste of apple cider mixing on your lips. The way he kisses you didn’t really change even after so many years, still swaying you with the familiarity of his loving. Still, even though you know the way he angles your jaw, the way he presses against you, the way he takes his sweet time, truly showing you how much he enjoys the act, you never grow tired of it. Something in you reacts the same way as when you were young. There’s still excitement, there’s still tender softness in your heart every time you kiss him.

His lips break apart from yours, a playful tint in his words when he speaks to you again. “Don’t try to take credit for it now,” he says, “because the last time I checked, we never really broke up in the first place, so you could say we were dating all along, all because I confessed back in–”

“God, you’re unbelievable,” you grunt.

“But you love me,” the boy says, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Maybe it is.

“Always have,” you say, pressing a quick peck to his plush lips, “always will.”

The starlight glazes your cheekbones when you rest your forehead against his, as if to send him a telepathic message that is worth more than a thousand words. It’s hard to find the words to explain the mixture of your emotions right now, but when your memory washes up the encouraging monologue Sunwoo offered to you when you first arrived, you finally agree with his sentiment. Perhaps, one word could summarize it all– you feel truly content.

They say you never forget about your first love. At 25 and still counting, you guess you could say that’s true.

#deoboyznet #sunwoo #the boyz #sunwoo fluff #sunwoo x reader #sunwoo angst #the boyz angst #the boyz fluff #the boyz x reader #the boyz scenario #the boyz imagine #sunwoo scenario #sunwoo imagine

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webslingingslasher · 1 month

Note

how would telling nerdy!peter you’re pregnant go

i feel like he would know before you do. *cleaning out my inbox*

peter's ears are ringing when you enter the kitchen. a paper bag is tucked into your arm while you juggle a water bottle and car keys. something about you has the hair raising on the back of his neck.

'are you okay?'

you blink up at him, you glance down to the groceries, nothing spilled. 'i'm okay, are you okay?'

peter pushes past that, it doesn't feel right. there's something he can't sense out and it wasn't there this morning. 'no, seriously, are you okay? do you feel okay?'

your eyebrows furrow as you set everything down. 'yeah, why?' peter watches you closely, his eyes trailing after you as you moved around the kitchen. 'i don't know. something feels off, are you sure you're okay?'

you laugh with your head in the fridge, it's cute when he's worrisome. 'i promise i'm fine!'

peter lays off, but something is different about you and he can't place it.

---

peter swears something is wrong, he's had an odd buzzing feeling that keeps him tethered to your side and reaching out every thirty minutes when you're not around him.

you kept telling him you were fine and peter thought it would even out eventually but it's been two weeks and it's gotten worse. it's gotten so bad he doesn't want you leaving his sight.

like this morning, you gagged around your toothbrush and scraped your tongue clean with your teeth, your face went sour as you looked at peter.

'that tastes rotten.' the toothpaste went bad. you have no idea how, or if it's possible, but your mouth tasted like you just gargled with orange juice and made out with a mint.

peter tried it out for himself and told you it was how it's always been, but you made him promise he'd buy a new tube anyway. he agreed but had something tugging at his stomach, this wasn't normal.

the final straw was a few days later and you approached him with your head in your hands and a wince. peter almost jumped up from the couch, his movements panicked but touch soft as he cradled your face.

'talk to me, what's wrong?'

you suck in a deep breath, it makes your pain amplify. for the first time ever, a headache as you wanting to faint into peter's chest. 'sweetheart?'

your voice cracks, it's never been this bad before in your life. 'my head really hurts, petey.' it's all you needed to say, peter kissed your forehead and started nudging you towards the bedroom.

'go lay down, i'm going to get you some advil, alright?' you nod, it's weak, it feels like your head is a thousand pounds. you feel useless while you sink into the mattress, the first thing peter does is rip the curtains closed, it's almost pitch black and you've never been more grateful.

'pills.' they're deposited into your hand. 'water.' you take a small sip, peter tilts the cup back up when you lower it, you take a larger gulp. 'down.' you follow his direction and melt into your pillow.

'close your eyes.' you do. peter presses a kiss to your forehead, another on your cheek. 'i want you to take a nap.' you can't bring yourself to open your eyes and instead pat his hand instead as a response.

peter thinks you're asleep before he's out of the room.

you think you've been down between two and three hours and you could use another four. the past week you've been as good as dead, work must have exhausted you. it would explain the sudden sore feet and urge to constantly nap.

but more than sleep is the deep pit of hunger you have. peter's cooking dinner and it woke you from a good slumber. you doubled up on lunch today and you're thinking of doing the same with dinner.

as you roll out of bed you're happy to report there's no more migraine. you repeat this to peter the second he asks how you're feeling as he's plating your dinner. 'good.'

you lick your lips at the ceramic peter sets in front of you, he sits next to you and as you grab your fork, he stops you. for a moment you think about crying.

'i need to talk to you, we need to talk.'

every bit of you shrivels up. you think you might actually start crying. 'okay.' it's as timid as you feel, peter's eyes soften immediately, he's not mad, he's just serious.

'i'm talking to you as your husband right now, not your friend. i know you feel fine, you've been telling me that for three weeks. i don't feel fine. i'm anxious over you and it's starting to tear me apart. i need you to go to the doctor's, i need them to tell me you're okay.'

you feel your heart crumble a little, you never meant to make him so upset. 'peter, i know you're worried but i promise i'm okay.' peter really doesn't want to scare you but he's unsure of how to get you to listen.

'it feels like there's something wrong with you, alright? something i can't see or diagnosis. so i need you to go to a doctor, okay?'

you've never seen peter so freaked out and his sixth sense has you a little scared because if he can sense things before you can but he can't place it, that means it has to be bad.

you nod fast, you'll do anything to bring him a peace of mind. 'okay. i'll make an appointment and you can come with me. then we can squash this together, right?'

he hates to admit it, but peter doesn't feel any better when you agree. he's going to be biting his nails and pulling his hair until you're sitting in the doctor's office with a green screen and a thumbs up.

----

'they're making me pee in a cup, peter.'

'that's normal. they're screening you.'

'because of you! they asked why i wanted an appointment and i had to tell them 'my husband has a bad feeling.' i've never pissed in a cup before and now they probably think you're poisoning me.'

'something's poisoning you.' you rest your hand on his arm, you've never seen peter so worked up. 'is it really that bad?' it has to be, the week before your appointment he refused to let you out of his sight. he wouldn't tell you anything beyond a tugging feeling in his gut.

and if you're being honest, you're not complaining. because there's something about peter that's had you clinging to him and begging for him at every waking moment because everytime he touches you, there's a whole new wave of sensation and pleasure that wasn't there before.

'i haven't slept the last three nights because i'm scared i'll wake up but you won't.'

'oh, petey. i promise i'm okay. there's been nothing wrong beyond that one headache, i promise. but look, we're at the doctors and i'll get a clean bill of health and we can have a nap when we get home?'

he doesn't seem satisfied with the answer. 'okay.' it makes you anxiously chew on your bottom lip, you're not peter, but you've known him long enough that this isn't normal. it makes your heart hurt because he's been in a panic for over a month now and you keep shrugging him off.

'i'm sorry i didn't take you seriously, peter. i'm sorry i made it get to this point, i promise you in the future i won't wait so long.' except peter doesn't know if you waited too long and there won't be a next time.

'i'm gonna go pee in this and then i'll be the next one up.'

if you thought peter was nervous before, he's now one breath away from a panic attack, shaking his knee and chewing on his thumbnail before you're back to sitting with him and then bouncing up to tug you with him the second your name is called.

----

even your doctor was slightly puzzled at your claim. you'd answered normally to every question. no sudden changes, no balance issues, no blurry vision, no stomach pains, nothing.

'sexually active?'

'yes.'

'are you using protection?'

'no. we stopped a little over a year ago.'

'date of your last period?'

you look at peter for help, he shrugs, you think back. 'i haven't gotten it this month yet. so i think last month?' she scribbles quickly, then double checks.

'headaches?' you shake your head, your husband clears his throat. you want to roll your eyes, instead you remind yourself this is for peter's sanity.

'i had one last week. that's it.'

'breast tenderness?' you cup them, nothing. 'no.'

'you did a urine sample at check in?'

'yes.'

her small chair spins when she stands, 'let me check on it. i'll be right back.' peter opens his mouth the second the door shuts behind her.

'i don't care what you say, if it comes back clean, we're getting a second opinion.' then, 'actually, i'm going to insist on a blood test.'

'peter,' he holds up his hand. 'i'm serious. there are things that your pee won't tell them, there are so many things that could be floating around your bloodstream.'

you're doing this for him. you're doing this for his peace of mind. you need to keep telling yourself that this isn't peter, this isn't normal. you trust him more than anything and if he's saying something is wrong, something's wrong.

'okay. we'll get a second opinion, or a specialist, or a blood test, or whatever you need me to do.'

that's all you needed to say, he finally somewhat relaxes, but stiffens right back up at a knock on the door. you lightly kick your feet on the bench and smile politely when the doctor reenters. there's a nod at your smile, you stop your movements, it feels serious.

this time, she doesn't sit down. this time, she has a file in her hold and only looks at you. 'so, i have your results here, but before i continue, would you like your husband to be in the room with you?'

your heart sinks and your face drops, they found something. peter was right. something was wrong. but how did you not know? how did you feel totally fine? if anything you kept telling him that you've never felt better and you've never been so energetic.

you reach for peter without thinking, he squeezes your hand tighter than you are. 'yes. i need him here.' when peter's standing next to you, the doctor looks at both of you and clears her throat.

'you're pregnant. i'd say somewhere from four to six weeks estimated by your last period date.'

you don't say a word, neither does peter.

'i'll give you two a moment alone and come back in... lets say ten minutes? then we can talk about your options moving forward.'

silence. you don't move a muscle. the door is shut and you're staring at empty space, you can hear the clock ticking on the wall behind you, peter's chest brushes your back.

'baby?'

'yeah?'

'did you hear what she said?'

'yeah.'

your eyes close at a soft kiss to your head. 'are we happy?' your heart clenches, your hand rests over your stomach and your mind starts to catch up.

'pregnant.' it's all that will come out. peter gives you another kiss, it's just as delicate as the first one. 'you are.' your hand washes over your tummy, you don't feel pregnant.

'you did this to me.' peter nudges your hand away and moves his own in the same circle, you think he's looking for the same thing. 'a little bit.' he's holding back any excitement until you make a call but you see the way his eyes are shining.

you exhale until your stomach puffs out, it's a mimic for what's to come. 'you're gonna make me look like this.' peter smiles, he likes what he's hearing.

'so are we happy?'

pregnant. pregnant. you're pregnant. you have a baby in your stomach. you have peter's baby in your stomach. you're pregnant.

you're pregnant and you're so damn happy.

in a second you're tugging at peter for a crushing hug. 'we're pregnant. we're gonna have a baby and we are so fucking happy.' you didn't think it was possible. peter's kissing where he can reach, you pull back to look at him, both of you teary eyed.

it'd been a year and you thought kids weren't in the cards. you weren't actively trying but you both agreed to stop preventing too. and each month when you got your period, you didn't mind, you loved peter and if it was just you and him for the rest of your lives you'd be more than okay with that.

but this? having a baby with the person you love most in the world? it's a token of your love, something that would be both him and you forever.

'i really hope they have your eyes.' peter shakes his head, 'no way. for their sake, i hope they get all your genes.' you feel your lower lip tremble, there's finally an explanation for all the tears you've shed over the past week.

it didn't even have to be sad. everything was accompanied by tears and this is no exception. peter doesn't care, hormonal or not, tears are tears and he's causing them. 'what did i do?' his thumbs brush under your eyes, on guard for any wetness that dare pass them.

your voice is watery when you answer, you know it's silly but holy shit, this feels serious and you'll die on this hill for whatever reason. 'i really want...' you blink, big drops are caught in a second.

'i really want them to have your eyes and you don't want that.' peter moves fast and you exhale a shaky sob into his chest. peter is in the process of damage control recon.

'i was making a joke, honey. a really bad, terrible joke. i'm so so glad you want them to have my eyes, i'm super honored, sweetheart. of course i'd love it if they did.'

you sniff into his shirt, 'do you mean it?' there's a sprinkling of kisses over your hairline. 'of course. you want our baby to look like me, how could i be offended?'

it's enough to have you relaxing, you wipe your own eyes clear before clearing your throat and scooting away from peter. 'i'm sorry, i don't know why that was so important to me. i think you'll have to deal with this a lot.' you feel shy, all of a sudden you think you're asking for too much.

'i'm gonna be so annoying peter. i'm gonna cry and puke and hate things one second and love them the next, i'll get grouchy and miserable and sore and by the time i go to pop this kid out you'll hate me.'

'hey, shhh, you're doing that thing where you think too far ahead. one problem at a time, right? crying isn't an issue, we've been together long enough i know how to navigate that. puke? um, babe, i hate to remind you, but this little gold band on my finger tells me in sickness and in health.'

you feel your pout slowly lift up, he always has an answer.

'as long as it's not me you're hating, i'll manage. i've dealt with your grouchy mornings for years, and i still look forward to every one. if you're miserable and sore, i'll give you a massage. and by the time you pop that kid out, i'll be so damn excited to have them meet my favorite person ever. my wife.'

peter releases a quick breath. 'how'd i do?' you chose the right person to do this with. you really did.

'i'm so excited to do this with you.' your husband beams, he made you feel better, you're worrying over nothing. peter has this handled.

'i am too. we need to get you some vitamins and i should start emptying out the second bedroom. we should also look into some books and maybe some classes, may said my mom took lamaze classes and it saved her during labor.'

'and a doctor! we need to schedule with your OBGYN, and i need to clean out the fridge. i don't think you can eat deli meat, maybe i'll start looking at some-'

'peter, we're having a baby.'

it stops him from his tirade, he hasn't been able to stop smiling. 'we are.'

'and you were right, something was wrong! you're like one of those cancer sniffer-outer- dogs.' peter tilts his hand back and forth. 'i mean, that's not cancer,' a point to your soon-to-be bump. 'and i'm not a dog, but i know when something isn't normal.'

'do you think you sniffed it out the second you knocked me up?' peter holds a straight face, you bite back a grin and whisper out to him.

'peter?'

'yeah?' he's just as quiet.

'we're having a baby.'

peter can't stop his coos, your face cradled in his hands while he presses tiny kisses over your cheeks. you don't feel as robbed from a home test, you always figured you'd have the moment where you're in the bathroom with shaky hands but instead you're in a doctor's office and you realize the setting doesn't matter, it's the person you're doing it with.

the celebration halts when there's another knock on the door, when the doctor sees the blinding smile on both your faces she shares her own. 'i assume this is good news then?'

you both answer at the same time. 'really good.'

she looks even happier and gently bows before taking a seat and grabbing a few squirts of hand sanitizer. 'then let me be the first to congratulate the both of you.' you both say thank you and your heart elevates ten levels when she addresses you as what you're about to be.

'so, mom, i assume you have an OB established?'

mom. mom. mom. you're going to be a mom. your head spaces while you nod, your doctor seems relieved at the answer. 'great. i want you to reach out and schedule an appointment, they'll be able to tell you a little bit more about what to expect and the next steps. depending on how far along you are, you and dad might be able to hear some heart tones. in the meantime, i recommend you get on some prenatals and limit your caffeine intake.'

mom and dad. you think you like the sound of it.

'any questions?' peter looks at you, then the wall. he's got one but he's scared to ask, your doctor senses this. 'dad? the floor is open to you, too.' you fawn at his pink cheeks, he loves the new name like you do.

'um, are there... limitations on what she can do? physically?'

a small grin, she knows what he's asking. 'honestly, mom should keep doing her day to day like normal, things will start to get hard when she gets bigger. if you're asking if there's any limitations on sex, no, it's just all based on mom's comfort.'

'mom's been very comfortable.' you speak from the corner of your mouth but she hears you and she's got a gleam in her eye. 'those extra hormones can be fun. any more questions?'

you're sure you'll have a thousand but right now all you want to do is lay in peter's arms and talk about who your baby will eventually be. you shake your head, peter says no for the both of you.

your doctor stands and warmly grabs your hand, then peter's and smiles once more. 'again, i congratulate you both. you're in for some of the best times in your life, and some of the hardest, but i promise you, that smile on your baby's face at six in the morning while you're exhausted will make it all seem worth it.'

carrying peter's child already makes it all worth it. he would've been as happy and content as you would've without kids, but you know how much he's always wanted them and this feels like the most ultimate act of love you could give him.

'thank you. we're really excited.' because you are. you both are.

---

the second peter opens the car door for you, you squeal and hold him close to you. 'you're gonna be a frickin dad. that's so hot.' you giggle at tender pokes at your side. 'you said the same thing when i proposed.'

'commitment makes you sexy, parker.'

'ditto, mrs. parker.'

#nerdy!peter

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illyrian-dreamer · 7 months

Note

what do you think about brattamer boys?👀 like reader is having a massive attitude and is being spoiled and the boys aren’t having any of it😋

Now that you bring it up……..

Ok here’s my contribution to Kinktober 🙈👀

Bat boys x Fem!reader head canon

I have IN DEPTH thoughts a feelings about what the different bay boys would consider brating and how they would respond to it.

18+ under the cuff, please and thank you 🦇💌

Rhysand

So, being a spoiled brat would be almost impossible with Rhys, because he loves to spoil you and would never say no to anything materialistic

He would just call you his princess with a kiss to your forehead and splash that cash.

BUT - there the best way to brat with Rhys is by making him jealous 😏😏😏

This man has a sincere fear of things being taken from him, and he’s not afraid to claim what is his.

So maybe you leave your hand on another males arm too long

Or you make sure Rhys sees you flashing that smile he thought was only reserved for him at someone else

Rhys would slide up next to you, casually sipping his drink as he scans the crowd, feigning nonchalance

“You don’t think I know what you’re doing, darling?”

“What’s that?” You blink back innocently

Rhys grins, shaking his head slightly, violent winking out of his eyes, instead filled with darkness. “Careful. You’re only making it worse for yourself,” He murmurs before drawing a long sip and walking away.

You decide to push your limits a few more times that night.

When the party winds down, Rhys is no where to be seen. So you make your way back to your room.

You don’t make it far, before your pulled flush against him, one arm firmly wrapped around your waist, the other squeezing at your jaw, turning your yelp into a whimper

“I told you you’d pay for your behaviour, pet.” He all but snarls into your ear.

He releases you, pushing you forward, herding you to your room

Rhys isn’t much of a spanker, but he adores squeezing and toying with your flesh so you wake up with an array of bruises and markings that are only his

He makes you suck him off for almost half an hour, pulling his cock out every time he was close to the edge, forbidding you to touch yourself the entire time desire your pleas and wetness pooling from you

And when he does fuck you, he does it against the window, claiming this is what you wanted since you had flirted with the half of Velaris that night anyway

He is soo attentive with aftercare, checking in on you, cleaning you, rubbing ointments to your bruising skin

He pulls you into his chest, cooing at the whimpers you make when he tries to tuck you in

“M’sorry sweetheart, but you were so naughty for daddy today, and we had to set that straight, didn’t we?”

You could barely nod in agreement, lost in that after-sex haze as you drifted off against his chest

Cassian

As the War General, and most skilled warrior in all of Prythian, Cassian has had his fair share of being the disciplinary figure throughout his life

Which is exactly why you choose to brat on the mountains of Velaris, during an excruciating hike

“I said keep moving, initiate,” Cassian’s eyes were fixed to you, his facing growing sterner by the second

You stayed seated on the ground, crossing your arms triumphantly. “No.”

Cassian rolled his eyes then - you had been playing this game for almost five minutes now

Fine,” He gritted, a hint of excitement laced in his voice

Cassian pried you from the floor and threw you over his shoulder before you could scramble away

“ Let me down!”

But he kept on walking, moving you both to a more private section of the landing you were on

“Oh no sweetheart, you wanted to stay, so we’re going to make the most it.”

He hauled you off him, bending you over a boulder and kicking your legs apart.

“Wider,” He growled in your ear as he leaned over you, coiling his hand in your hair like a bandage

It took all you had not to whimper in anticipation as he jerked your pants down and ran his hardened meat against your slit

It was certainly not the first time you had provoked him in this way, and you knew exactly what you were doing when you had started bratting

What you didn’t expect was for Cassian to take you in broad daylight, while the rest of the group hiked ahead

“So. Fucking. Stubborn.” He ground out between thrusts.

“Is. This. What. You. Wanted. Huh?” For. me .to .fuck .you?”

“Poor baby, doesn’t even know how to ask for what she wants. That’s aright honey, I’ve got everything you need right here, and I’ll give it to you, one way or another.”

It’s those very words that are your undoing -well, at least for your first orgasm

Azriel

Oh no

Oh no no no no no no no

You are in big fucking trouble

Because taming your brat isn’t just a kink for Azriel, it’s a fucking art form

As a spy, Azriel knows how to evoke certain behaviours, how to break and fold and bend his victims to get the information that he needs

Soo he delights in the process of getting you to break and fold and bend (for entirely different reasons)

Certain toys evoke a certain kind of moan from you, certain phrases make you whimper or look up at him with those big doe eyes, others make you close them so tight like you couldn’t bare how it makes you feel

All of this was a game to him - and he took his sweet time doing it

That’s why you know, when you started bratting from the morning, refusing to drink water, giving him cheek when he suggested you eat something beyond drinking coffee, and purposefully broke so many of his rules throughout the day, you were working up to a verrrrrry long night

And let’s be real, Azriel is a service dom. He only ever wants you to be well taken care off.

So that’s why when you refuse his care, he has to do his very best to set you straight

“And what else did you do today, baby girl? Did you drink any water?”

You would have answered, if it wasn’t for your own panties stuffed in your mouth, your hands bound behind your back as you lay ass-up, Azriel’s hand stroking your bum lightly, soothing the spank he just emitted

“Answer me, sweetheart.”

You shook your head, tears streaming down your face. This part hurt so good.

“Hmmmm,” Azriel growled, before landing another spank.

He cooes immediately, soothing it again. “You know I love you, right baby girl? So that’s why when you refuse to let daddy take care of you, I have to teach you a lesson.”

Azriel fucks you like a rag doll as he uses you for hours, telling you this is the “only way you’ll learn”

Did I mention edging?? Yeah you’re not cumming for at least the first few hours

But when he does start controlling your orgasms, he doesn’t stop.

He ignores your pleas to stop spanking and stop making you cum, but you really are just his toy for the rest of the night (and morning), as he proves to you exactly who’s in charge with a dominant tenderness only reserved for you

He rocks you after, saying how much he loves you and he’s sorry it had to be this way, and if you were a good girl the next day, he’d give you a treat

He’s incredibly observant the next day, watching you become soo agreeable and following everything he said.

You did it because you couldn’t bare another night like the last, and Azriel hid his smugness from you. Brat. Tamed.

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mitsies · 1 year

Text

thinking about high-school!gojo today.....

he’s top of his classes, a-list student, and everyone knows him. people across campus gossip about his latest romances and grades and all— he’s an open book. and a new york time’s best seller, apparently.

gojo is specifically notorious for his position as top student at your prestigious school. only the best from the best lineage, it seems. in graded discussions, he’s viciously tearing down others’ points. he disagrees with the teacher. makes jokes that make the whole class laugh. has been responsible for at least 3 faculty members’ quitting. all this, and he’s still failing art. sculpture class, to be exact.

it’s an elective both he and you have been forced into; you’re a lot happier about it than him, it seems. because he always complains. loudly. and he sucks at art, quite frankly.

it's plain to see that the boy has never even drawn a portrait in his life. he's got two right hands and he's left-handed, it looks like, that's how bad he is. and even worse is the fact that he's got no friends in this class; everyone's a stranger. which is probably why he resorts to bothering you.

you like to think you're a strong person, of mind and of being. but your resolve to being kind crumbles as soon as gojo opens his big fat mouth.

you see why people like him. he can be funny. he's good at lots of things (arts not included) and sometimes, only sometimes, does he have something valuable to say. but mostly, you find gojo satoru to be a nuisance.

working on your projects is made incredibly difficult when 6 feet of pure frustration is bitching right next to you. "this clay," he'd complain, "it's gotta be broken. it's not working."

you try to ignore him, you really do. him and his inane excuses, and empty commentary. and for the most part, he disregards you right back. he looks through you, sometimes. sometimes. that is, until the teacher pulls him aside a few weeks before the end of the school year and he comes back more stone-faced and scared than you've ever seen him. he's quiet for longer than you've known possible and you're surprised to find that you kind of miss hearing his voice.

he doesn't really say much, and class lets out, and you go on with your life like normal. but there's an itch in the back of your mind, and it sounds like his name over and over and you can't quite get it out of your head. not until the next day, when you see him again- 2nd period sculpture class, 9 o'clock in the morning.

and this time, he looks right at you.

"you're really good at this whole sculpture thing." he's making a statement, not asking a question. you blink and realise that this is the very first time he's spoken to you, directly. he was complimenting you in a way- on what? does this mean he's seen you? all this time you presumed he stared straight through, blue eyes burning holes through your skull. maybe, just maybe, he's been looking at you the whole time. you're not sure how to reply so you just nod, "i guess."

"i," he says the next words like he's choking on glass and you see his adam's apple bob (his skin is so pale; translucent. you think it'd be cold to the touch,) "need help."

you almost feel bad. he looks like a cat that just got soaked in water. pitiful. playing dumb, though you know exactly what he means, you tilt your head innocently. "help with what?"

he grimaces. you bite the inside of your cheek to stop a smile from spreading like wildfire.

"this class."

"oh? what about it?"

he dramatically slumps against the desk, knocking over the boy in front of him's water bottle. he doesn't bother picking it up. "sculpting. art. everything."

"i thought you were good at everything, though."

that might've been too far, because he looks at you again. he really, really looks. and you think he sees you. because he smiles, "my reputation precedes me. i'm so famous, aren't i?"

"i guess you are," you concede, allowing an edge of amusement to lighten your tone. he is still looking at you. he does not break eye contact. it makes your stomach churn with something sickeningly alive, something abhorrently beautiful.

"then it should be your honour to help me out or something, yeah?"

it should be. it will be. you could let it be.

"i'm pretty busy. sorry."

he blinks at you. you turn away. why did you say no? you didn't want to. but then again, you'd prefer to be away from him and his life- lavish, elegant, mansions and stars and cameras and glamour- you have homework to do.

you think that, after this, gojo satoru will leave you be.

he does not.

in fact, you think it gets worse.

if he wasn't talking to you much at all before, it's all he does now. he sits in your seat before class starts, getting there before you, waiting for you. chats your ears off, too, when you try to get work done. and he always ends up bringing up that proposal again- to help tutor him in sculpture, or give him pointers, or whatever, you try to tune him out.

you wonder why he only asks you. there's plenty of much more talented, much more friendly students in your class. ones that'd say yes. but he only asks you. you think he knew it was only a matter of time before you gave in. that was what he was banking on, probably. all it took was two weeks worth of asking, talking non-stop, and basically borderline begging. and you folded.

..which, is how you find yourself in the art room, after-hours, sitting next to gojo satoru and a pottery wheel as he helplessly squishes the miserable and miserly beginnings of yet another deformed clay pot.

"you can do it," you encourage rather dryly. he shoots you a look. "great acting."

"sorry. i'm trying my best here."

his hands are covered in wet clay, so when he wipes his brow he uses his forearm. the crewneck he wears is pulled up and pale, pale skin glows a wintery shade. you tear your eyes away. "and i am too! but it isn't working!"

you frown. he really is bad at this- ignoring all your direct pointers and advice. you've told him what he needs to fix; be gentle, go slowly, be patient, patient, patient. all that has gone in one ear and out the other.

you really dread what you're about to do. but you want to help him save his grade in this class, because gojo satoru was not gojo satoru without his 4.0 gpa. so, bracing yourself, feeling a tight, tight knot in your stomach, you ghost your hands over his on the wheel and hold on, shadowing them. a guide.

his skin is cold, you were right. big hands, bigger than yours, they feel good and frigid beneath your touch; like they were made for you, sculpted to your touch. you feel his breathing stall before he starts rambling again.

his words move fast, but not faster than his heartbeat, which you feel in his wrist. you'd be dizzy with the proximity if you weren't so focused on making something. it's almost magic, how 2 pairs of hands come together to make something- a small pot, spinning on the wheel.

it's a little lopsided and wonky looking but it's far, far better than anything gojo's accomplished. he goes quiet. "wow," he says, so so hushed you almost don't catch it. you know he's not talking about the pot.

"i told you that you could do it."

his hands break away from the wheel, leaving the clay formation and pulling your hands away, too. they're in his, still, and covered in a think muddy-coloured sludge of slip. but he holds them.

"you have something on your face," you exhale after a beat of silence. because he does; a dash of clay, marking the expanse of skin on his cheek. just below his lip. he smiles and a dimple creases his pretty, pretty face.

"yeah? why don't you get it for me?"

you blink. "my hands are filthy. i'd make it worse."

"do you think i care?"

you're surprised your hands are steady, a sculptor's hands, as you wipe away the drying residue of slip. it crumbles and flakes off his cheek, but your thumb brushes his lip and you feel him freeze before grinning wider and pulling away. you miss his cold. you feel a bit too hot all over, now.

"it's all over your face now," you inform him, snapping your gaze away to hide your embarrassment. he doesn't look away. he looks at you, he looks at you, he looks at you. like he likes you, a little bit.

"we can deal with that after the lesson, yeah?"

you expect him to sound different than he does, when he says this. you expect his voice to be full of ego and confidence, like usual. boisterous, louder than life. but he's quieter. almost like he's shy. you turn back, and you see the way he watches you. like you're precious, like you're fleeting and rare and the most beautiful, beautiful piece of art he's ever seen.

"okay," you say, "okay. sure."

his grin is worth a million dollars and his boyish confidence returns after the lapse of shyness; "awesome!"

promptly after, he moves to go back to the clay pot. in his excitement, he squishes it into a lump again.

"awesome," you sign, resigned. but you can't find it in yourself to be mad. you like him too much for that.

#me chugging 2 energy drinks to get through my homework but ending up writing this instead #gojo satoru x reader #gojo x reader #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen x reader #mitzi's world!#gojo satoru #reader insert

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kingkatsuki · 2 years

Text

Lactation | Bakugou Katsuki x Reader

𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 - 𝐬𝐞𝐱𝐮𝐚𝐥 𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐚𝐥 𝐛𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐚 𝐨𝐟, 𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐨𝐫 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠.

Kinktober masterlist.

Based on this silly post I made a while back!

Summary: Time alone with Bakugou has been few and far between since the birth of your son, the after affects of pregnancy have you feeling sore and lethargic- But your doting husband is more than willing to help you out.

Pairing: Bakugou Katsuki x f!reader.

Warnings: 18+, mentions of pregnancy, lactation, praise praise praise, breeding, creampie.

Word Count: 2.3k.

“Why does he get to do it?” Bakugou’s chest was pressed firmly against your back as he hovered over you to watch his son feeding before bed.

“Do what?” You hummed softly, leaning into the warmth of your husband as your son latched on.

“Suck on these,” Bakugou palmed your other breast as you whined softly, a subtle ache ebbing through you from how heavy your chest felt full of milk.

“Katsuki,” You shook your head, smiling softly at your husbands childishness, “He’s a baby.”

“And?” He scoffed, holding your hips gently as he caged you between your son and the crib, “I’m just fu- freakin’ saying’ I was here first.”

Bakugou stopped himself from swearing after the side glance you gave him, knowing your husband better than he probably knew himself. A subtle pout etched onto his ageing features, tired eyes staring down at you as he kneaded your sore breast for emphasis. You did feel guilty that you’d been neglecting your husband since childbirth, even though you knew you shouldn’t. Bakugou was the perfect husband and father, reassuring you that you were still the most perfect, beautiful woman in the room even now. But insecurities would often plague your mind, and finding very little time for yourself since your son had arrived into the world meant that these thoughts would continue to fester at the back of your mind.

“Can’t even remember the last time I had these to myself.” Bakugou continued.

“There’s no way you’re jealous of your son,” You laughed, leaning into his touch as he began to gently sway you from side to side.

“Ain’t my fault he’s got the perfect life,” Bakugou smirked as he pecked your cheek, “What I wouldn’t give to fall asleep sucking on these.”

He gave your other breast a playful squeeze as he raised it towards him before letting it bounce back into place. The wireless maternity bra you were wearing did little to stop the motion as you let out a soft gasp, milk leaking from your nipple and soaking the fabric. You were certain this was the least desirable you’d ever looked to your husband, with baby spittle and milk staining your shirt, messy hair and tired eyes. But Bakugou was gazing at you as though you were holding his world with your bare hands, keeping the moon and stars in the sky as he pressed another soft kiss to your cheek.

“They’re actually really fucking sore,” You whined as you lay your son back in his crib, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead before standing back up. You didn’t even bother doing your bra back up as your breast continued to leak milk, sighing gently as your husband began pressing soft kisses along the column of your neck.

“Is he suckin’ too hard?” Bakugou nosed your cheek as he watched his son feeding.

“No, they’re just full.” You mumbled, “I feel like I’ve pumped for hours today and it didn’t make a difference because I’m still leaking.”

“Fuck,”

“Katsuki,” You chastised him for his language as he pulled back to give you an incredulous look.

“What? He can’t understand me yet.” Bakugou’s lips curled into a smug gin.

“If his first word is a cuss word I’m never speaking to you again.” You taunted as you turned to face him.

“You could never,” Bakugou teased, pressing a soft kiss to your lips.

“Do you really want to take that chance?” Bakugou pecked another kiss on your lips before nuzzling your cheek, keeping his hand on your hip as he leaned over the crib to press a kiss to his son's forehead.

“Your first word is going to be ‘daddy’ ain’t that right?” He smiled sweetly, pressing a final kiss to the top of his head before standing upright.

“Or mummy,” You smiled softly at your baby boy, breaking off into a soft yawn as you covered your mouth.

“You tired?” Bakugou hummed as you nodded in affirmation.

“He’s been so fussy today, I didn’t get much time to myself.” You mumbled.

“Let me look after you, princess.” He took your hand in his as he led you towards your shared bedroom, the baby monitor in his other hand as he placed it down on your bedside table.

Turning his attention to you as he curled a hand around the curve of your neck, his thumb grazing your jaw as he pressed a gentle kiss to your lips, “Bout time someone looked after you isn’t it, sweetheart?”

“Katsuki,” You gasped as he pulled you down to lay on the soft sheets, the top you were wearing riding up your thighs as you suddenly felt self-conscious about the stains against the fabric from feeding your son and the fact you couldn’t even remember the last time you’d shaved your legs.

It’s silly how shy you feel around your husband over your basic outfit, pulling your pyjama shirt off to leave you in a basic pair of cotton panties and a mismatched nursing bra. Motherhood made it difficult to cater your wardrobe to style over substance, the ache in your lower back had you choosing the most comfortable clothing you owned, but Bakugou thought you’d never looked sexier. The ethereal glow you’d taken on since pregnancy stuck around even now, your body truly a gift from the gods as he felt his cock throbbing with urgency between his thighs. But this moment wasn’t about him, it was all about you. Ignoring the throb as his cock leaked fresh pre against the fabric of his underwear as he leaned forward. Helping to undo the clasp of your basic grey bra as he watched the fabric spill down your shoulders, allowing your breasts to drop naturally as he moaned at the sight of them. How heavy they looked, your nipples darkened and swollen as you gazed up at him shyly.

“Katsuki, don’t stare.” You mumbled, but how could he not? When you were the one that carried his son to term, you were the reason his son was happy and healthy now.

“You’re so pretty,” He cooed softly as he began to press chaste kisses against your collarbone, following a path towards your sternum before nuzzling the valley of your breasts. Warm palms soothed along your abdomen, feeling your tummy where your baby had been for so long, “Tell me if I’m too rough.”

“Please, Kats.” You mumbled, pouty lips and furrowed brows as he leaned in closer.

“It’s been too long since I’ve had these to myself,” He murmured, nuzzling his face between them before moving to suckle on your nipples.

His lips slurp your breast as warm milk begins to flow, the sweet taste of it hitting his tongue as he moans against the soft skin. A large palm reaches up to take the fat of your breast in his hand, kneading gently to tempt more milk from your chest. There’s a part of him that feels wrong, as though he’s stealing milk from his son, but at the same time Bakugou loves every inch of you and he wants to take away the pain you feel when your breasts are heavy and lactating. So he continues swallowing the sweet milk that leaks from your chest as he switches breasts, his tongue swiping along the mess that’s leaked from your nipple against your skin. Groaning against you as he gently wraps his lips around your nipple, cheeks hollowing as his throat bobs. Your hands thread through his messy hair as your nails graze his scalp, brushing through the grown-out hairs of his undercut as you hold him in place while he worships your body.

“So good, Kats.” You murmur, your head writhing against the pillow as he gets another taste of you, the milk sliding down his throat as he groans against your skin.

“You’re so fuckin’ perfect,” He rasps, pulling back to gaze up at you through half-lidded eyes.

Squeezing your breast to watch the milk begin to trickle out of your taut nipple before he leans forward to lap it up. You can feel the heat beginning to rise between your thighs, the sudden realisation sweeping over you that you can’t remember the last time you’ve had the time or energy to be intimate with your husband.

His hardness presses against your crotch as he shows how desperately he wants you, urgency brewing inside him as his fingers slip beneath the hem of your panties. Dragging his fingers through your slick to feel how wet you are for him as he sucks in a breath. Two of his fingers slip into your wet, tight heat and suddenly he’s reminded of how gorgeous you feel wrapped around his cock. His fingers curl inside you as he continues to lap at your breasts, his tongue circling your swollen nipple as he tastes more of your milk in his throat. A slight lilt to your voice as you beg him for more, a keen sense of urgency to your tone as you try to tug at his sweats. Desperate to feel him deep inside you, to satiate the ache swirling between your thighs.

Bakugou pulls his fingers from your sex as you whine at the loss of contact. Moving to pull his sweats down just enough to free his aching cock before he wraps the same fingers coated in your slick around his girth. Giving himself a teasing pump as his leaking tip nudges your clothed sex.

There’s an innate sense of urgency as he curls his fingers into the hem of your cotton panties to tug them down your thighs, leaving them hanging around one of your ankles as he lines himself up with your sex.

“Please, Katsuki.” You slur, “I want you so bad.”

He presses the bulging tip of his cock against your tight hole as he presses his weight forward, feeling you slowly begin to swallow the length of him. Eagerly sucking him in as he cants his hips forward, so wet and pliant that he manages to bottom out with minimal resistance as he stills inside you for a moment to cherish the sensation of your walls squeezing his cock once again.

“Fuck,” He chokes out as your breasts continue leaking milk, the sight alone has his cock throbbing inside you as he sets a languid pace. Vermillion eyes meet your own as he rests his forehead on top of yours for a moment, surrounding himself with you, “Always feel so goddamn perfect, like you were made for me.”

Bakugou licks his lips as he watches your breasts continue to leak for him, the creamy milk a contrast against your skin as he hovers over you, slurping up the spilt milk as it’s still warm on his tongue. He knows he won’t last long, not with all the pent-up frustration and the saccharine taste of your milk on his tongue.

“You make me wanna fuck another baby into you, have these permanently filled with milk,” He groans around your nipple, breath coming out in heavy pants as he feels you wrap your thighs around his hips, angling his cock to have him delving deeper inside your wet, slick heat.

“Katsuki,” You gasped, the familiar sensation already swirling in your pelvis.

“Stuff you so full of my cum you’ll always be round and plump with my child.” He continued, pressing open-mouthed kisses against the swell of your breast, “You’re so pretty like this, sweetheart. So perfect.”

“Kats, I’m gonna—” You mumbled, feeling the coil inside you dangerously close to snapping as he alternated breasts, easing the tension in your chest as he released more of your milk from inside you. The pain dissipated as it was replaced with white, hot pleasure as you began to clamp down around him.

“You’re so pretty, so perfect, taste so good—” Bakugou continued to slur his words as his nose nudged your breast,

Feeling yourself slowly falling into your bliss as

“Come on, sweetheart. I’ve got you.” He sucks your nipple hard, causing you to throb around him as you feel yourself tumble into your bliss. Your walls flutter around his cock as he continues his messy pace, groaning at the way your body feels clamping around him, trying to milk him of his release.

Shamelessly searching for his own release as his balls start to tighten, the thought of fucking another child into you has his pelvis throbbing as he imagines you all round and full with his release. Cumming deep inside you with a grunt of your name as he spills hot ropes of cum inside your fluttering walls. Leaning on his forearms as he rides out his climax, fucking his release deep inside you as he imagines you pretty and round with another child. His thrusts slow to a gentle rut as he rests his weight on top of you for a moment, looking down at you with complete adoration as you gaze up at him towing tired eyes.

Bakugou groans when he pulls out of your slick heat, his eyes immediately diving between your thighs to watch the thick, creamy mixture of his release begin to dribble from your stretched hole. Fingers delving between your thighs to push it back inside you as he thinks about giving you another child, if you want— picturing keeping you like this for as long as possible.

“Do you feel better, sweetheart?” His nose nuzzles between the valley of your breasts as you both enjoy the quiet moment alone together, pressing soft kisses against the sensitive mounds.

“Much,” You whisper as Bakugou flicks one of your nipples playfully.

“Finally got my spot back,” He grins up at you from between your breasts as he nips at the soft skin.

“Until your son wakes up,” You smile softly, already feeling yourself succumbing to slumber.

“Better make the most of it then.” Bakugou rumbles as he wraps his lips back around one of your nipples.

#tw:lactation #trigger:lactation #tw:breeding #trigger:breeding #bakugou smut #Bakugou Katsuki smut #bakugou x reader #Bakugou Katsuki x reader #mha smut #Bnha smut #Bnha x reader #mha x reader #kinktober #kinktober 2022 #flashing lights

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mae-gi-writes · 3 months

Text

There’s something about rival athlete Wonbin! That scares you and attracts you at the same time. It’s the way is competitive streak always comes to life no matter what topic you’re engaged in.

He’s on the same track team as you are, yet always boasts about his amazing top speed in comparison to yours. He loves tormenting you with his excellent theory results, enjoys basking in the undivided attention of your classmates and professors.

Rival athlete! Wonbin, who takes the long route to class just to rile you up during your shift in the local campus coffee shop, who enjoys describing the most complicated order to make your life hell, and laughs when you mess it up with another order.

Rival athlete! Wonbin, who loves sending you airplane notes during class to tell you “looking like a dish rag today Y/N. Didn’t sleep properly?” Or “stop goggling at the newbie in front” and “you wish you saw me in your dreams ;)”, so much so that it makes you want to scream.

Rival athlete! Wonbin, who once noticed the redness under your eyes and cornered you at the end of class, only to tell you that you looked like shit. Who panics the moment your eyes fill with tears and is quick to turn soft as you cry, leaning into his shoulder unconsciously and letting you wipe your tears along his jacket.

“Don’t you dare make fun of me after that.” You threaten him, to which he rolls his eyes and knocks you on the head.

“Do I look like that kind of asshole?”

“Yeah.”

Rival athlete! Wonbin, who keeps a close eye on you from that moment onwards. Who leaves an extra bottle of milk coffee in your track room locker, who watches you from the corner of his eye during training, who orders you to walk home with him because you’re “going to be a nuisance if you hold back the team with poor performance”.

“My time has been amazing, what are you talking about?” You scoff, “if anything, you’re the one coach isn’t impressed with.”

“Yeah, coz I have to do some major babysitting aside from training.”

“What?”

He looks at you, “you mean, you haven’t noticed how extra nice I’ve been to you?”

“Not really. You’re still an asshole.”

Rival athlete! Wonbin, whose friends start teasing him because he’s developing feelings but who straight out states that he likes you, right in front of your face, causing you to blush and run for your life. You skip practice that day, not sure how to juggle all those feelings at once.

Rival athlete! Wonbin, who decides to give you some space only to find himself partnered up with you during plyometrics training and decides to ask you outright why you’re avoiding him.

“I’m not avoiding you.”

“So why don’t you talk to me anymore?”

“Because!”

“Because what?”

“I don’t know how to talk… to you. After—after that.”

Rival athlete! Wonbin, who then grasps your chin and tugs your face up to his, as he says, “why?” He whispers lowly, voice dropping an octave, “do you like me, too?”

He gets his answer when you nod and sucks in a breath, not too sure how to respond. His brain freezes and goes into mini panic mode, but is quick to react when you start to squirm in his grasp.

He tugs you out of the main hall and into the corridor, quick to cage your hands and pin you against the wall as he gazes down at your face, tracing your features down to your lips.

“Wonbin,” your small intake of breath does not go unnoticed, and Wonbin leans in even closer so that your noses brush.

You let out a strangled noise, swallow hard and decide to drop your gaze to his practice jersey.

“Look at me,” he orders, nudging your nose with his.

You bite your lip and do as told, letting out a shaky breath as he closes the distance between you.

Rival athlete! Wonbin, who decides that there’s nothing sweeter he’d rather have after practice than make out with you when nobody’s looking. Who grabs your hand on the way home to stuff it in his jacket while saying that “I’m cold and your hand’s hot”. Who blushes to his ears whenever he spots you smiling at him from the corner of your eye, and who secretly would do everything and anything for you because he knows you’ve got him wrapped around your finger.

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diazsdimples · 3 months

Note

Prompt: forehead kiss

😘

When Eddie gets home, he can tell something is wrong. Usually, if he has a shift without Buck, his boyfriend will be waiting for him at the door like an enthusiastic golden retriever. Today, however, the house is completely silent when Eddie opens the door.

Worried, Eddie puts his duffel down, kicks off his shoes, and pads down the hallway.

"Buck?" he calls out, listening for signs of life, with concern mounting when he hears none. "Baby, you home?"

Eddie turns the corner into the lounge and there he finds Buck, or what he assumes is Buck as all he can see is a mound of blankets on the couch. There's a small sniffle and the mound shakes, shifting as Buck turns and pokes his head out from his cocoon, revealing his bright red, tear streaked face, and mussed up blond curls.

Quick as a flash, Eddie rounds the couch, dropping to his knees so he's at eye level with Buck, and takes his boyfriends face in his hands.

"Mi amor, what happened? Are you okay?"

Buck sniffs pathetically, rubbing his eyes with the back of his fists, and drops his head back against the cushions. " 'M fine" he croaks, his voice cracked and raw from crying.

Eddie swipes his thumbs across Buck's cheeks, wiping away his tears, and taps his nose with his forefinger. Buck always looks so vulnerable when he cries, giving Eddie the overwhelming urge to wrap himself around Buck and snarl at anything that comes near. He's never been protective or possessive with past relationships before but with Buck, it's different. Buck has such light, such unadulterated joy that Eddie can't help but want to shield him from all that's bad, to be the armour that surrounds Buck, taking the blows instead.

"Sweetheart, you can talk to me. What's going on?" Eddie asks, dipping his head to keep Buck's gaze on him, forcing eye contact. "Please, I want to help."

"It's silly," Buck says with a shaky laugh. "Don't want you to laugh at me."

Eddie tucks a finger under Buck's chin, gently lifting his head upwards. "I would never laugh at you, I promise. Please, tell me?"

Buck shifts so he's sitting upright a bit more. "I was looking at a the card Chris made me when I passed my recertification test, you know, before I had the PE, and then I found the Father's Day card he made me this year and looking at them side by side, seeing how much his handwriting has changed and how he doesn't draw stick figures with ridiculously long legs anymore, but draws actual, real people, it just made me really emotional to think that he's not that tiny 7 year old you introduced me to anymore. Like I said, it's silly."

Eddie can't help but smile at his boyfriend's confession. He himself had been going through similar, mourning the loss of the little boy that would ask him about dogs knowing if they were dogs, and how he used to be able to carry him around all the time. His son is growing up, and it's taken him a moment to get used to it.

"Hey, that's not silly at all. It's an unfortunate part of being a parent, watching your baby grow up, and you mourn who they were when they were little but you also get to watch them flourish and become little adults." Eddie reaches forward and brushes a strand of hair from Buck's forehead. "This is a very normal part of parenting, amor."

"If it's normal then why does it suck so much?"

Eddie laughs as he scratches Buck's head, noting with satisfaction that Buck leans into the touch, his tears not coming as fast anymore.

"Life sucks sometimes," he says sagely, quoting Buck from not two nights prior when Christopher had asked them why he wasn't allowed a PS5 in his room. "But, we get through it together, right?"

Buck's lips quirk upwards in the ghost of a smile, and he nods. "Yeah, I'm glad I've got you, Eds."

Eddie leans forwards and kisses Buck's forehead, inhaling in the scent of the strawberry shampoo he insists on using, a scent that feels so perfect and so much like home to Eddie. "You've always got me," he murmurs, his lips brushing against Buck's forehead as he speaks.

He presses another tender kiss to Buck's forehead, then to his temple, the tip of his nose, and very gently to his lips. "I love you."

Buck nuzzles his nose against Eddie's, before tucking his face into Eddie's neck, circling his arms around his waist. "Love you too, Eds."

They stay like that for a while, tangled up in one another like they're two pieces of a puzzle, made to fit perfectly together. Eddie rubs his hand up and down Buck's back, feeling every bump of his spine, scratching between his shoulder blades, tracing his ears with the tip of his fingers. Buck relaxes in his arms, going soft and pliant as if his body is putty and Eddie's touch is moulding him, bringing him back to the shape of his regular self.

After a while Eddie pulls back and smooths his thumb over Buck's cheek. "You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I think I will," Buck replies, and Eddie knows, as long as they're together, they can face the world. And there's no one he would rather have at his side, than his Buck.

Fuck around with me and ask things!

#james answers things #buddie snippet #buddie #eddie diaz #evan buckley #manifesting this for anyone who needs a forehead kiss today #pretend I am smooching you all on the head #911 abc #911 buddie #911 fanfic #911

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pyramid-of-starrs · 7 months

Text

Don't be Mean to Sannie

Pt 2 of stay with me

Pairing: Clingy San x Black/Poc Fem reader

Genre: Fluffy, angst, Smut

Warnings: Jealousy, clingy boyfriend, cheating, kinda?, cursing, arguing, possessiveness, San is kinda Toxic idk lol, mentions of other idols (Wooyoung, Hyunjin and Ryujin)

Smut warning: Kissing, licking, rubbing, public sexual acts, oral sex (F and M receiving), mentions of asshole??, Hard sex, breeding (tbh it was bound to happen I love breeding lol), mentions of pregnancy, Switch San, Switch reader, uh- if im missing something lemme know

A/N: Pt 2 is finally here lol, San has been driving me fucking mad with his selfies they look so fucking good fuck.

Bad smut under the cut

Minors dni

It was around 4pm Friday afternoon, you had the day off today due to some random holiday and you were determined to go out with your friends this time because your besties laid into you last time about ditching them. Not this time, you needed to go out and experience life again, and you were going to, but the only issue? The blood sucking leech that was laying on your bed wet and covered in a towel from the waist down. San was off as well so he came over early this morning to bring you breakfast and he stayed the entire day, you let him know your plans and he agreed to back off, you got into the shower, and he of course started to feel lonely and go in with you. You were still on track to go out despite him fucking you in the shower until the water turned cold, even then when you got out, he felt the need to fuck you on top of the bathroom counter, you felt tired but grabbed a red bull from the kitchen to keep yourself awake. You got dressed in plain grey jogging pants with a cropped jacket to match it, you dried your hair and kept put on your favorite Von Dutch hat (Sans Von Dutch that you stole), and a pair of socks. Then you started to pack up an outfit and your make-up and hair supplies, your plan was simple, the more time you spent around San the more of an opportunity he had to seduce you into staying with him that night.

“Woah, woah where are you going? I thought you were going out tonight?” he said as he leaned up on his elbows.

You continued to gather all the items you needed as you replied. “I am, I’m getting dressed at Erica’s house.”

He tilted his head. “Why? What about our tradition of you letting me watch you get dress?”

“You mean the tradition of you watching me get dressed until you get horny and jealous then fuck me until I’m too tired to leave?” You turned to him and folded your arms.

“Well, yeah? It’s the best part of my Friday night.” He said smiling with his sneaky little grin.

“Well, it’s not the best part of mine, I want to actually go and experience my youth for once San. I can’t keep spending every day and night with you, I’ll go stir crazy.”

“I go stir crazy when I DON’T spend every day and night with you.” He sat all the way up at this point.

“You’ll live, I promise you will, it’s not fair that I can’t see my friends because you want me all to yourself, they want time with me just like you do. I��m sure your friends miss you too.” You said as you placed your bag next to him on the bed to zip it up.

“I don’t give a damn about that; I only care about you.” He said giving you a duh face.

“That’s not good San, you should care! Even if you don’t I do and so do they. I’m not sure what you’re going to do tonight but I’m going, you should call your friends and see what they are doing. Wooyoung texted me earlier saying he wanted to invite you out anyways.”

“Why are you texting my best friend?” He said with a bit of irritation in his voice.

“First of all, you can’t be clingy AND jealous it’s not good, second of all, we text because you never answer the damn phone when you’re with me.”

“I can be as jealous as I want when my girlfriend looks like you, either way why are you even going out, what does a club have that I don’t? Besides your friends.” He got up to take off his towel and start getting dressed.

You rolled your eyes and shook your head “Don’t do that, don’t make this something it’s not.”

“I’m not making it anything, I’m just saying why are you getting all dressed to go to some sweaty club and be drooled over by people when you could be home with me getting drooled over.” He said as he looked at you while he buttoned his pants, he hadn’t put on a shirt yet because he knew you had a weakness for his broad shoulders and chiseled abs, even now he was still trying to seduce you.

“Maybe because there is more to life than sitting in my boyfriends face all damn day, I really shouldn’t have to explain this to you.” You had a bit of an attitude in your voice that he immediately picked up on.

“Don’t get an attitude with me.” He said with a serious look.

“I can get whatever I want with you.” You rolled your neck and bit and folded your arms, you shot daggers directly at him and he did the same.

“So, you’re really starting an argument because I want to spend time with you?”

“You know damn well it’s not about that.”

“Then please tell me what’s it about?”

“It’s about the fact that you are suffocating me, all I want is a day out with my friends and you can’t put aside your weird ass insecurities to let me enjoy my night if it’s not spent with you. You always manipulate me into staying with you everyday and night and the shit is getting old as hell, I had a life before you, and I damn sure am going to have one with or without you.” You said, anger filling your voice.

“What do you mean without me?”

“Exactly what I just said, if I can’t go out and enjoy my life without you doing too much then…well...” you paused, trying to avoid saying something you would regret.

“Well what? Say it Y/N, say what the fuck is really on your mind. I get it, I can be clingy, but you knew I was clingy going into this relationship, even when we were talking, I was clingy and told you that. I understand that I can be a lot but don’t sit here and act like I’m oh so manipulative all of a sudden. If you want to go out and get felt up on by some sweaty guy at the club then go do that, but don’t be mad if I go do the same thing.” He put on his shirt and started to gather his items so he could leave as well.

“Fuck you San, you know I’m not going out to be a hoe, but you’re right 2 can play that game, if you wanna go and find another bitch good fucking luck. I hope she deals with all your goofy ass bullshit and when she doesn’t don’t fucking call me.”

“Whatever Y/N” he started to ignore you and walked out the room, you followed behind him.

“Whatever nothin’! If you walk out that door right now, I hope you know I’m going to do exactly what you said and act single as hell tonight.” He froze in front of the door as you stood behind him.

“What the fuck did you say?” he said in a monotoned voice. The air seemed like it got thin, and your heart started to pound, you could feel the anger radiating off of him.

“I-I said if you walk out that door, I’m going to act single as hell tonight.”

He nodded his head and licked his lips; he didn’t say another word just put on his shoes and walked out the door.

“FUCK!” you yelled as you sat down on your couch, this whole situation spiraled so far out of control for no real reason.

…

You decided to not let you and Sans argument ruin your night and still went out with your friends, Ericka got a section so luckily you didn’t have to be bothered. Of course, you wouldn’t want any guys talking to you, you were just saying that for argument sake. You were sitting babysitting your one drink and looking like a sad puppy.

“Come on girl get up and dance, stop being sad I’m sure San will get over it.” Your friend Katrina said as she pulled you out of your seat. You sadly danced along with her as she swayed your body back and forth. You looked off in the distance, all you could think about was-

“San?” you heard Ericka say, Katrina released you from her grasp and everyone stared in one direction, and you looked over to do the same. That’s when you saw it, the worse site ever, your boyfriend with his friends across the club sitting and giggling with a group of women, they were sitting so close, and one even had the audacity to out her hand on his thigh. You started to see red and wanted to march over there but then you felt your friends hand touch your shoulder.

“Don’t do it girl, it’s not worth it.”

She was right, and the best way to get back at him was to get even and even do a bit more.

“You’re right, lets go dance, Fuck him.” You said with a vengeful smile that your friends shared with you.

Your friend group entered the dance floor and started to dance, you attracted a lot of attention and it felt like the entire room was staring.

A group of guys walked up and offered to buy you and your friends a bottle for your section. You all gladly accepted and sat back down to mingle, one of the men specifically came over to talk to you while you were sipping your drink.

“Hello beautiful.” He said flashing a gorgeous smile.

“Hi” you smiled back.

“May I ask your name beautiful?” now that you were looking at the man, he had longer black hair wit a half pulled back ponytail and half down, he was very handsome his self.

“Y/N, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” You reached your hand out to offer him a handshake.

He grabbed your hand and kissed it instead then looked into your eyes.

“Hyunjin, and the pleasure is all mine.”

He was a taller man, maybe an inch or two taller than San and had a slender and long build. He took at seat next to you.

“So, Y/N, are you seeing someone?” he asked, you looked over to the other side of the club and saw San still giggling and laughing with the woman, they seemed to be having a great time, he was giving her all the attention he usually gave you and it burned you up on the inside. You were never the jealous type but to see someone else touching all over what was yours really set a fire inside of you. There wasn’t anything you could do though, but you were single for the night, and you made sure to not let that go to waste.

“No, well not really, he’s an idiot so now I’m here.” A little more honest than you wanted to be but that was your truth.

“Well, if he lets a beautiful woman like you out of his site then you are absolutely right, he is an idiot.”

You giggled at him, you two talked for about 15 minutes, your friends and Hyunjins friends went back to the dance floor while you two hung back. San and the girl he was talking to could also be seen still getting chummy, at this point she was damn near in his lap, as if things couldn’t possibly heat up more you saw her lean into his neck, and it took all the strength in your body not to go drag her off of him.

“You know, if you want, I can help you forget about that guy.” Hyunjin said, you focused back on the conversation.

“Huh, what ?”

“That idiot guy, I can help you forget all about him, a sexy woman like you shouldn’t be stuck feeling lonely and excuse me if I’m overstepping but a body like yours shouldn’t go a day without being taken care of.” He said as he glided his long fingers up your thigh, naturally you would have told him to fuck off at this point, but you were pissed, you were hurt and just wanted to take your mind off of San.

“How so?” you replied in a seductive voice.

He smiled and placed his hand on your other thigh to grip it and pull you closer, he was actually pretty strong for such a smaller man. He placed his hand on the side of your jaw and brought his lips to your ear.

“Let me treat you like how you deserve beautiful; I can take you back to my place and fuck you so good the only thing you would be able to think about is me.” He whispered into the shell of your ear, his smooth voice sent chills down your spine, damn maybe San was right to be worried about the guys in the club.

“And how do I know you can do that?” you gave him a flirty little smile and took your hand and placed it over his crotch , it didn’t take long for you to feel his almost fully erect length, you started to breathe a bit heavier and bit your bottom lip.

“Does that feel like something you need baby?” he said into your ear, he started to drag his soft lips down your neck, you put your neck back a bit to give him more access and closed your eyes. The feeling was new and eased the hurt you were going through, you wanted to focus on the sensation but the only thing on your mind was San, you just wanted him to be touching you like this. You started to imagine it was him starting to slowly kiss down your neck. Imagining it was Sans fingers sliding up your dress and gripping your ass, it was San not Hyunjin telling you “Let me treat you right baby.”

“Y/N!”

You shot your eyes open and jumped a bit. Hyunjin stopped and looked over to who was calling your name, it was your friend Katrina.

“Excuse me, your friends are looking for you sir I think they said they were ready to go.” She said.

He smiled at her.

“Thank you for letting me know, Y/N make sure you use my number, okay?” Hyunjin said as he got up and waved both of you goodbye before he left.

“Girl what the hell was that?” Katrina said replacing Hyunjins place next to you.

“I…I don’t know.”

“Y/N, you need to fix whatever the fuck you got going on with your dude, you can’t be in here letting randoms kiss and touch on you.”

“I know…”

“Well bitch act like it, go to the bathroom and get yourself together we are about to go.”

You nodded your head slowly and go up to walk to the bathroom.

You opted out of going to the large bathroom instead you chose to go into the single unisex bathroom. You walked in and walked up to the sink and looked into the mirror. You stood looking at yourself in silence before tears started to sit at the corner of your eyes. You fought the urge to cry at the downfall of your relationship and just sighed, you hated to admit it, but you just wished you were at home cuddling with San watching TV while he gave you little kisses. A knock interrupted your thoughts.

“Someone’s in here.” You grabbed the towel and started to rub your eyes; you must not have locked the door because you heard the door open while you had your eyes closed to wipe them. The person walked in and walked up behind you.

“Katrina?”

They did respond then pressed their crotch to your butt and hugged you from behind.

“…Hyunjin?” you said as your eyes got wide, and you looked up to the mirror to see who it was.

“Is that what his name was? I’ll remember that when I try to find him to kill him.”

Yeah, that was definitely San.

“What the hell are you doing here?” you said. He chose not to reply, he immediately started to kiss your neck, dropping his weight down on you so you had no choice but to start to bend over the sink, you butt pushing against his crotch even more.

"S-San what are-"

"Shut up."

His hands slid up your thigh and immediately went into your panties, his fingers caressed your fold roughly, you let out small moans while trying to stay quiet.

"So that little bastard out there made your slutty little pussy wet or were you just imagining it was me touching you?"

"San!"

"Answer me!" he yelled and with no warning he drove his two fingers into your hole, and you covered your mouth to keep yourself from being too loud, you used your other hand to grip the side of the sink. He drilled his fingers in and out of you like you weren't in public, San has always been the jealous type so honestly his acts of possessiveness shouldn't come as a shock, he hated when someone touches what’s his.

Let's look at this from San's point of view.

After he left your apartment, he decided to call Wooyoung and take him up on his offer to go out tonight just so he could take his mind off of the fight. Once they were there for 15 minutes San was already over it and ready to get back home and apologize to you so you two could cuddle the night away with his face shoved right between your boobs and your thighs wrapped around his waist. A few girls invited San, Wooyoung and the rest of their friends over to their section and Wooyoung accepted the invite telling San it would be a great distraction. Once in the section San had one drink and a girl sat beside him.

"Can you pour me a drink?" She said smiling at him.

"Sure." San said with an expressionless voice, sure this lady was probably flirting but she wasn't you, so he didn't really care. He poured her a drink and another for himself because alcohol was the only things that would help get him through tonight. San passed the woman the drink and took the other cup for himself.

"Cheers to being young and single?" she said as she held her glass up and waited for San to meet her halfway.

San sighed because the thought of him being single made him cringe but technically you two were being single tonight, so he clinked the woman’s glass, they both tapped their glasses on the table before downing what was in the cup.

"I'm San, it's nice to meet you." He nodded at her.

"Ryujin." she said while putting the cup back down, San decided to pour himself another.

"Woah you're getting fucked up tonight what’s the occasion?" she said as she watched San drink from his cup.

"I got into a fight with my girlfriend." he said then took another drink of his cup.

"Daaaamn and here I was about to flirt with you." she said with a slight giggle.

"I guess you still can because according to her we are "acting single tonight", whatever the fuck that means."

"Oh fuck what did you do? Bitches don't just say that to say it, you had to do something."

San looked over at her and decided to say fuck it and vent to her, he told her about the fight, and she was honestly intrigued.

"Yeah, it's just like I thought, you're the problem." She said as she finished her cup that San poured her while he was talking, meanwhile he was on his 4th and feeling the effects.

"What the fuck how?" he said, genuinely confused.

"Let that girl loose a bit, you can't keep her locked in a cage and get mad when she wants to break out."

San rolled his eyes.

"Lemme see her."

San quickly pulled out his phone to go to your Instagram, he loved showing you off every chance he got. Ryujin took the phone and scrolled through the various photos you had posted, some of you, your life and of course you and San.

"Oh, wait never mind you're right keep her ass locked up she’s hot asf."

"See!!" he said looking at her with a red face, she laughed and passed the phone back to him, San started to stalk your page as well, he didn't notice Ryujin scoot closer.

"Honestly San, you two make a sexy ass couple so I hope you work it out."

"Thanks, I do too."

She flashed a devious smile leaned into his neck to whisper in his ear.

" Cause honestly I would love to fuck you both." Sans eyes got wide, and he looked up, he was going to respond but that's when he saw you and Hyunjin and he just froze. Ryujin got up and giggled and walked back to her friends. San was stuck watching Hyunjin kiss and rub on you, just like you, San saw red, he was going to kill that man that dared to touch his precious angel. Who did he think he was? He watched the entire moment up until Katrina stopped it and you walked to the bathroom. When he realized where you were going, he let Wooyoung know that he "had to pee" and followed you. Now your here with his two digits being pushed into you erratically.

"You fucking little slut, how dare you let that peasant touch what's mine. I don't give a fuck about what little fight we got into, I don't ever want to see another man’s hands or lips or anything near you. Do you hear me?" he said while his fingers fucked you so deep and fast that you had to fully behind over almost with your head in the sink, you were a moaning mess at this point.

"You can't talk now whore? Okay that's fine." he took his fingers out of your core as it unclenched and clenched around nothing, like it was begging San to enter you again. He squatted down and pushed your dress up to your waist. He immediately shoved his face into your wet pussy and licked a few stripes from your hole to your clit. You yelp at the feeling of his cold tongue on your hot pussy as he ate it from the back. San stuck his tongue in your hole and started to fuck you with his while his big nose little brushed your asshole. You started to pant and whimper trying to keep yourself together.

A sudden knock on the door scared you but San was unmoved, he continued to fuck you with his tongue.

"Y/N you in there sis?" You heard your friend say on the other side of the door.

San gripped the front of your hips and pulled you down on to his face, he didn't give a single fuck if someone caught you two, if anything he would love it, then you couldn't deny who you belonged to.

"Y-yeah, I'll be out soon." you stuttered.

"Oh, okay then I'll wait here for you."

"NO! I mean...no just wa-ahh~ wait for me at the seeeection please."

Your friend raised an eyebrow behind the door.

"Uh- okay girl." you could hear footsteps walking away from the door and your mind focused back on San silk tongue deep inside your walls. Your knees were weak, and your mind was blanking as you gripped both sides of the wet porcelain sink and leaned into it.

"S-San p-please I can't..."

His hands made their home on both your ass cheeks as he spread them apart to bury his face deep in your dripping pussy, you reached your hand back to push him back, yet your efforts were wasted because San didn't budge.

You could feel yourself reaching your peak, your eyes were rolling to the back of your head as you tightly bit your lip to fight back the moans that threatened to fall from your mouth. Just as you started to feel yourself fall apart San pulled back, he silently breathed heavily and stood up not saying a word, you whined from being denied.

"San please- I need to cum please-" you started to beg.

"No, sounds like something a boyfriend would do, you're single remember?" he walked over to the paper towel dispenser and waved his hand to grab a paper towel from the automatic dispenser and wipe your slick from his mouth and chin. You watched him move about in the bathroom with your eyebrows arched and your pussy still pulsing, waiting for someone to finish the job.

"Call the one guy, what was his name again? Hyun-?"

"Fuck you San." you said pulling your panties back up with an aggressive attitude.

"Nope." He said before walking out the door like nothing ever happened.

You exited the bathroom to rejoin your friends and leave the club, the next morning you woke up with a throbbing hangover headache and an empty bed. Usually San would be here, especially on weekends, sleeping under you while you woke up with his strong arms wrapped around you and his plush lips kissing the shell of your ear to wake you up, but not today. You grabbed your phone from your nightstand and see no text from San but one from Hyunjin, guess you must have given him your number last night, when you opened the message, it read:

"Good morning beautiful, would love to take you out to breakfast, or have you for breakfast 😉"

you rolled your eyes, you forgot how much guys sucked, you were so used to being treated with the utmost respect by San that regular men disgusted you. You needed your man back and you needed him back now. Later in that day you decided to put your pride aside after not hearing from San and called him, the phone rang a few times before he answered, his background was noisy, and he was obviously with others.

"Hello?" you said first.

"What's up, I'm busy." He said speaking over the noise.

"I...I wanted to talk to you..." you said softly.

"Talk? What?"

"Can we talk, I wanna talk about what happ-"

"San get off the phone and come back." you could hear a female voice say, it made your stomach drop.

"Listen I gotta go, talk to you when ever bro." he said then silence, he hung up on you and called you bro? This shit was sick, you needed to do something. You texted San asking him to stop by that night if he was free so you could talk, your friends invited you out as well, but you decided to stay in since San texted you back saying he would try to stop by later. Unfortunately, later never came, you waited for hours for him to come by until you passed out curled up in your bed. You woke up feeling sad that you were on the second day without making up with San, this wasn't normal, this wasn't San. Fuck it though! If this was how he was going to act then fine, two can play that game!

And you would be the loser, a fully work week had passed and it was Friday night once again. You and San hadn't spoken since the last text, and you could put your pride aside again to reach out first, but damn was it killing you. You missed him so much and it was driving you crazy, between the overall sadness of him not being around and your horniness. You even decided to say fuck it and text back Hyunjin to pass the time, but no one could compare to San. You laid in your robe, fresh out the shower sprawled out on your bed just staring at the ceiling. Your phone started to ring next to you and you grabbed it to see who it was, your eyes got wide as you saw the 3 lettered name with a purple heart emoji flashed across the screen. You could feel your heart start to beat faster, you breathed in and out a few times before answering.

"What do you need San?" you said trying to play it cool.

"My biker jacket, I left it at your house, and I need it for tonight I'm at your door."

You got somewhat excited but tried to keep up your front.

"You got a key sir."

"I didn't want to just walk into your apartment, plus I don't know where I put it."

"Neither do I." oh but you did but let’s act coy for now.

"Look, are you going to open the door or not?"

"Fine, here I come." you hung up and speedily ran to the door as you pulled your bonnet off and fixed your hair a bit in the mirror by your door, you didn't have time to change but at least your robe was nice and short and showed a good amount of cleavage. you made it to the front door and calmed yourself before you opened it, when you opened it, you saw San standing there in a dark blue jean set with a black tank top.

"I thought you came over for your jacket you look pretty dressed to me."

"It's for tomorrow..." he said slightly annoyed.

"You're going out today and tomorrow?"

"Y/N why does that matter can I come in to look?"

You rolled your eyes and walked back toward your bedroom while San shut the door and started to shut the door behind him.

"Uh uhn, take your shoes off, you know better."

"Are you being serious? I'm only going to be here for a second."

"I don't care you're not about to be walking on my bedroom carpet with shoes on." Yes, it was only a small fluffy area rug but who cares.

He shook his head and went back to the door to remove his shoes and you both walked to the bedroom. You took a seat at your vanity, and he started to look through your closet. You started to brush your hair out to get ready for your night, you were invited out by your friends but since you and San were "single" you wanted to act just as bad as San and Hyunjin invited you over and you accepted. As San was digging through your closet, he noticed you getting ready.

"Plans with your friends tonight?” he said as he continued to look.

"No... someone else." you said as you also continued your task.

"oh... who?" he questioned

"That's not really any of your concern now is it?" you said quickly

"I guess not, must be a date then."

"Maybe."

"Well good for you, hope he isn't clingy and annoying like I was."

"San I never said you were annoying."

"Right, you just treated me like I was."

"Oh my fucking god for someone with so much to say you sure have been ignoring my existence all week." You said as irritation started to leaked into your voice.

"Why would I contact someone that just broke up with me?" He said, knowing it was pressing your buttons.

"I never broke up with you San, you're just over fucking dramatic."

"Sorry I give a fuck about you."

"Whatever San hurry up and find your shit so I can go."

"Well get up and help me since you want me gone so bad."

You rolled your eyes once again and walked over to meet him at the closet and pushed him out the way.

"I put all your stuff in a box move so I can get it."

He moved out your way to sit on the bed and watch you, you stood on your tippy toes to reach to the top of the closet shelf to get the box, San was going to get up to help you instead of watching you struggle but your short silk robe was rising and revealing a bit of the bottom of your ass so he chose to sit back and watch instead.

"Where are you going on your little date?"

"No where, he just invited me to his house to watch movies and hang out."

"Netflix and chill? What is this guy 16?"

"Haha so funny." You said as you finally reached the box and brought it down, you walked over to the bed and placed it down next to him, you were about to walk back over to finish getting ready, but you felt a strong set of hands yank you back by your hips and pull you onto his lap.

"You're really going to go out to get some dick from some random."

You felt your face heat up, you missed the feeling of Sans touch and being able to sit in his lap, but you couldn't fold just yet.

"He's not random, it's the guy I met at the club the other day."

"Oh so you're going to go fuck him while some random movie is playing right?"

"N-no one is fucking me San, and you're one to talk, you had a girl all over you in the club and when I called you, I heard some girl in the background, how do I know you aren't fucking someone?" said while wrapping your arms around his neck and looking into his eyes, your big doe eyes could melt him right now.

"Because no one will ever be you."

"And no one can ever replace you San..."

You two gave each other a longing gaze before you both threw your pride out the window and your lips connected for a slow and passionate kiss, Sans hands still gripping your hips while one of them glided up the side of your body to rub your back and pull you in closer. The kiss progressed and you switched your position to straddle him, his other hand returned to your hips as he began to rock your hip against his crotch, a light moan came out of your mouth and entered his.

"I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry for what I said and saying you're too clingy... this whole week all I wanted was for you to be here." you said as you cupped his sharp jaw.

"I'm sorry too, I need to learn to give you space sometimes." you both smile at each other then he pecked you on your lips one again.

"Well... does this mean we are back together?"

"Boy we never broke up." You said giggling at him.

"The way you were acting in the club I couldn't tell."

"... right... I'm sorry about that."

"It's okay Angel, but you gotta make it up to me now."

"And how would you like me to do that?"

"I don't know, he's been so lonely without you keeping him warm, so how about you say sorry to him too."

You already knew exactly who "He" was, you got off the bed and sunk down to your knees in front of San, he laid back while sitting up using his elbows and giving you full control. You unbuttoned his jeans to and shimmed them down his hips to the middle of his thigh, Sans dick was already so hard that you could see the print of if through his boxers. You cupped his length and started to rub it up and down then looked up at him with a lustful gaze.

"Did I make you this hard baby?"

"Yes, ma'am." He said as he hissed from the sensitivity.

"I need you so bad Y/N you don't understand how much I've missed you."

You pulled his underwear down as his beautiful rock-hard dick sprung out, you wrapped your fingers around his girth and pumped a few times as he continued to hiss and watch you.

"Mm, tell me how much you've missed me, Sannie."

The mix of the nickname and your hand jacking his dick was killing him but then you started to kiss up his shaft and he swore he could cum right then and there but chose to wait.

"So much baby, I couldn't even go one night without wanting to eat your sweet pussy or fuck you into this bed." You kissed your way up to his red tip that had precum drooling out of it, you cleaned it up with one long and slow stripe from the bottom to the top of his dick.

"Oh really? Why didn't you come and fuck me then Sannie? You always say this pussy is yours."

He gulped as you finally stopped teasing him and took him into your wet and hot mouth. Bobbing your head slowly as you made it to the middle of his dick and then coming back up to the tip just too slowly go back down. San whimpered a bit at the feeling, this was somewhat foreign for him. He rarely ever let you suck his dick because he loved to worship you, constantly wanting to kiss and drag his tongue across every inch of your body. When you did get the chance to suck him off it was always such an experience because San was rarely so submissive and whiny.

"Sannie, I asked you a question baby." You said to a very dazed San. "Why didn't you come and fuck me like the slut I am and put me in my place." you continued to tease him, returning your mouth to his length, and going even deeper on it, Sans incredibly adorable whimpering was music to your ears, he started to breathe heavy while his ears and face felt hot with a red blush taking over.

"I-I wanted to make you wait, s-so I could make you beg." He said biting back his moans.

You once again removed your mouth from his dick and used your hand to pump it, coating his dick in your saliva.

"And how did that work out for you? It looks like I'm about to have you begging me to cum."

Before he could reply your mouth was back on him, going deeper, his tip scraping the back of your throat, he couldn't hold back anymore, and pretty moans feel out of his soft lips. His hand flew to the back of your head to help you keep a steady motion up and down his rod.

"Fuck Y/N if you keep going, I'm going to cum down your throat." He groaned; you could feel his grip getting tighter on your hair while he rolled his hips for him to go deeper into your mouth. You looked up at him to see him falling apart, his mouth was agape as sighs and whimpers fell out, you could tell he was at his breaking point already, your eyes met and the next thing you know he said a drug out "Fuuuuuck" then hot liquid shot directly down your throat and you swallowed as it dripped out, but it started to become too much and you pulled back as you started to choke. The rest of the cum dripped down onto his underwear and down his shaft. You finished swallowing what was in your mouth then licked the remainder from off his dick.

"I guess you haven't been seeing anyone else, that was a lot." you said as you stood up. San didn't reply, he was too busy catching his breath. "Tired already baby? We aren't done yet." you undid the knot in on your robe to reveal your fully nude body underneath, it was like a cartoon the way Sans dick immediately started to get hard again. He removed his shirt and jacket and finished taking off his pants, he laid back down on his back and you straddled him, you hovered you soaking core over his hard dick as Sans hands sat on your hips, you leaned down to give him a quick peck before easing down his length, wincing a bit when you felt him enter you. San's head flew back onto the bed, and he moved back and forth between putting his head back and watching your pussy swallow him. Moans could be heard from both of you as you reached the base of his dick, even just fully sitting on San made you feel full, riding him was always a challenge.

"You're so fucking beautiful my love, but please move you're driving me crazy." He said trying to focus on anything but cumming again.

You placed your hands on both of Sans broad shoulders and started to move your body up and down his length.

"You're so fucking big San I can't take it." you said between your moans, his grip on your hips became tighter, you could even start to feel his nails.

"Yes you can beautiful, you take me so well, this pussy was made just for me right?"

You continued bouncing on him as you sped up the pace, your walls pulsing around him.

"Yes, only for you baby."

"I need more baby, I need more." San said, you were already stuffed full of him so what else could he possibly want. Suddenly you felt San lift you off of him and place you on your back next to him as he got on top of you. He place himself between your legs and placed your legs on his shoulders. Before you could even question it, he slid back into your velvet walls and started to thrust into you at a fast pace. You cried out then he leaned forward to muffle your moans with a kiss, he swallowed every cry into his mouth.

"I'm sorry baby I've missed you so much I just need to fuck into you so bad."

San was like a dog in heat the way that his strokes were fast and sloppy, he just needed to feel you, he felt crazy not having you wrapped around him for a week, he doesn't even wait that long when it's your time of the month. He placed his head into the crook of your neck as he continued to pound into you, you could hear his heavy breathing.

"You feel so fucking good baby, I want to cum in you so bad, feel you up nice and full." as the words finished leaving Sans lips your moans got louder and your pussy started to squeeze him, San being San of course noticed your reaction and decided to see how far he could go.

"Do you want that pretty? Do you want me to fill this pussy up?"

"Mm, San... please..." You said not wanting to admit to wanting it because you knew that would unleash a whole other demon you weren't sure you were ready for.

"Please what baby? You want me to cum in you and put a baby in your belly? Then everyone would for sure know you're mine, right?"

His thrusting became relentless, all you could do was moan and call his name, tears started to form in your eyes because of the amazing sensation you were feeling, you started to see the light at the end of the tunnel and Sans words only made it worse.

"Would you like that baby? Want me to make you a mommy?" he said, you tried to fight replying but you couldn't even think straight anymore, words just began to fly out.

"Fuck, yes please San, please cum in me! I want to have all your babies please Sannie, please."

San smiled and on command you started to feel his hot cum shoot into you, you swore you could feel him filling up your womb, San continued to fuck you while you felt his dick jumping inside of you, you started to cum as well. Covering every each of him in your slick, once San was done, he kept himself plugged into you and wrapped his arms around you.

"I love you so much Y/N."

You giggled at how cute he can be after rearranging your insides and hugged him back "I love you too San."

Your phone started to ring, and you reached over to grab it, you noticed it was now almost 2 hours after your meet up time for your date and he was calling. San took the phone and answered it for you.

"Hello?"

"Hello? Who is this?"

"This is Y/N's husband, sorry she won't be talking to you anymore." San simply said as he hung up and laid his head back on your chest.

"San that was mean!"

"I don't care."

You rolled your eyes because why did you expect him to care?

Bonus:

After getting cleaned up and after a bath and some decompressing and Sans friends also calling happy that you two made up you and San got dressed for bed. He cuddled his head into your bosom while you played in his hair.

"Y/n, were you being serious earlier?"

"About what?"

"Do you really want to have my baby?"

"...Well... yeah"

"Like now?"

"I mean, if it was to happen now, I wouldn't be upset about it."

San popped his head up like a puppy when his owner seeing his owner come home.

"Really?"

"Yeah, I mean I love you and I do see myself being with you for the rest of my life so... why not?"

"Oh my God Y/N that's all you had to say! Come on let's go to the store and buy some pregnancy test and some ovulation and fertility test and-"

you interrupted his excited rambling by placing your hand on his shoulder.

"San... it's 1 am, calm down, we’ll prep everything in the next few days."

"...You're right...I'll calm down."

"Good-"

"But we gotta make sure you're good and pregnant, that means we have to go a few more times." he said with the cutest little smile.

"I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight." You whispered to yourself

The answer was no, no you weren’t.

#ateez smut #ateez fanfic #atz smut #san smut #choi san smut #choi san x reader #san x black reader #ateez san smut #san x reader #choi san x black reader #choi san fluff #ateez x reader #ateez x black reader

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2knightt · 10 months

Note

if you havent already, request for the outsiders boys with a super sweet sunshine s/o?

↳i love you, so let me get to you!₊˚✧

──IN WHICH, the gang dates a happy go-lucky reader!。✦

||✰ — the gang, separately

Johnny Cade ;

your kindness probably frightened him at first, he wasn’t used to anyone as nice as you.

but when he gets to know you are—he can’t get enough.

your happiness probably rubs off on him.

johnny’s smiling more, opening doors for people, and has a little spring in his step.

the gang definitely knows about you and teases johnny about it.

“you gotta stop hangin’ ‘round y/n. you’re starting to get their smile.”

“yeah, johnnycakes. i swear—i ain’t never seen you this happy.”

“get used to it, i dunno.”

you refuse to see the bad in people, and honestly johnny kinda likes that mindset.

but he doesn’t at the same time.

he knows people in the world suck, he knows how cruel it can be—but with you by his side, you make it bearable.

you make him feel actual hope that he can get out of this place.

make him feel like he has a future.

“thank you.”

“for what?”

“..everything, y/n.”

Dallas Winston ;

opposites attract dare i say?

i can see you calming dallas down, just a bit though.

not too much. just a lot.

he stops beating up people for no reason, yelling so much, and even helps a few old ladies cross the street.

only when people aren’t look though. this is still dallas.

“jus’ get outta ‘ere, punk!”

“aw, dallas! you let ‘em go! ‘m so proud.”

“whatever.”

he mumbles, snaking an arm around your waist with his other hand stuffed in his pocket.

the gang was so fucking shocked when they found out you two were dating.

“…for real?”

“you ain’t pulling our legs, are ya?”

“no? what the hell would make you guys think that?”

“they’re sweet while you’re—you.”

“fuck’s that ‘posed mean?”

“nothing.”

i feel like a lot of people would judge you for being so happy, especially with the situation with soc’s and greasers.

but dally shuts them up real fast.

“they gotta be on drugs. no way someone can be that happ—“

“who? who’s on drugs? c’mon, you can tell me.”

“uh—no one, dallas.”

“you sure?”

“yeah.”

punches them anyways.

but i don’t want you to scroll with a bad taste in your mouth.

just know, you’re the only relationship dally has been serious about in a long time.

a very, long time. so—he loves you to death.

Ponyboy Curtis ;

admired you somewhat.

he loves the aura that surrounds you. he thinks it’s different—way different than what he’s used too.

he’s used to people beating others, spitting on people, mocking, teasing.

but you?

you go out of your way to help those who were pushed down, bullied, spit on.

he admired that. he admired you.

he loved that about you.

tries to pick up your habits—but ends up failing.

“pony, when’d you become so…happy go-lucky, huh?”

“is it bothering you?”

“a little.”

“…fuck you too then.”

i feel like he’d look for a partner like that.

his type??? possibly???

you just,

give him hope.

hope that he can leave tusla and live the life he wanted on the country side.

Sodapop Curtis ;

same thing, different font.

you two get along so well it’s sickening.

when the two of you walk in a room together you blind everyone with how bright the both of you are.

im not joking.

“did he really, soda?”

“yeah! can you believ—“

“JESUS CHRIST!”

“what?”

“get out.”

“WHY?!”

“what?!”

“y’all are ruining my bad mood. screw off.”

“is he always like this?”

“yeah. just ignore two-bit.”

takes after you a lot.

like a lot.

started fighting less, helping out more costumers at the DX, etc.

he loves talking about you.

he just

does.

you’re all he talks about. i’d know, cause i’m literally writing this rn.

Darry Curtis ;

THIS DYNAMIC IS SO CUTE OH MY GOD.

cold, closed off darry with a cute, kind and sweet reader.

i’m crying just thinking about it.

you force him to open him to others.

literally.

“how’s your day, darry?”

“okay.”

“just okay? didn’t something happen at work today?”

“well yeah.”

“then tell, em! he’s your brother, babe.”

people always chuckle, seeing you cling to his arm—all smiles while he sits, looking like a guard dog.

but as soon as darry glares at them—they stop laughing.

everyone calls you sunshine after darry mockingly called you that. sorry i don’t make the rules :/ (yes i do.)

“hey, sunshine!”

“oh—hey, dal!”

“don’t call them that.”

“why not, superman?”

“because.”

Steve Randle ;

Guard dog 2.0

you gotta hold him back all the time help.

“steve! you know violence isn’t good—i hate it!”

“LEMME AT ‘EM, BABE! C’MON!!”

isn’t also—not used to people being so nice to him.

so you being so affectionate, looking out for him, loving him—just being so nice to him in general is so..shocking.

“you did so good today, love. ‘m so proud.”

“what?”

“oh? did you not hear me?”

“no—i did. it was just, outta nowhere. kinda spooked me a lil.”

please just love him.

please. he needs it.

he needs someone like you in his life and he’s so glad you are in his life.

he would’ve lost his mind a long time ago if you weren’t.

Two-bit Matthews ;

YALL ARE SO CUTE.

silly goofy guy with a sweet loving partner.

you let him ramble about anything and everything. he couldn’t be more happy.

“and they dance, like all the time!”

“even the dog?”

“EVEN THE DOG! he got his own moves, y/n!”

brags about dating the kindest person in Tulsa 24/7.

like, actually.

if you don’t like his drinking cause you know it’s slowly killing him, he’ll slow down on it.

“two, you know i don’t like you drinkin’ this stuff!”

“i know. but it’ll be my last one tonight, promise.”

“better be, ‘m worried for you.”

you’re like all he talks about.

he’s just so blessed to have an angel in his life!

like, what’d a guy like him do to get a person like you? save a country?

#2knightt #leo’s anons🤍#the outsiders #the outsiders x reader #johnny cade x reader #johnny x reader #dallas winston x reader #dallas x reader #ponyboy curtis x reader #ponyboy x reader #sodapop x reader #sodapop curtis x reader #darry x reader #steve randle x reader #two bit matthews x reader #two bit x reader

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moumouton4 · 7 months

Text

Worship || Naruto Uzumaki x fem!rzeader

A/n : Prompt 24 of the Smutember 2023 ( So in this AU Naruto never was the Hokage, why idk😂 )

The list of prompts is HERE

Smutember 2023 Masterlist ⚜

Warnings : woshiping, oral fem!receiver, soft sex, 18+ READERS ONLY and wrap it before you tap it

Masterlist ⚜

I don’t give permission to repost my work, if you want to share it just reblogue it

Word count : 930

He had always been alone. Alone against everyone. It was painful and even though everyone said that would kill him, it didn’t. Even more he never thought a single time about it. Time passed and the scars started to heal. He managed to forge links with people that for him became friends, family.He lacked only one thing, well.. more someone.

A special someone, he has never thought about when he was younger. He didn’t try to look for one either. After all, his life had been pretty hectic. But then again in the midst of this even going storm you appeared out of nowhere. Like a little leaf brought by the wind. Well, “appeared” is a bit exaggerated because you’d known each other for quite some time now, he just didn’t notice you the way he now does. But don’t worry though because now he knows how to make up for this.

Today was like any other day, when you would both find each other in the throes of passion. It was during those moments he would just remind you how much he cherishes you and how grateful he is for having you in his life. And he knows exactly what to do to worship you like the deity he thinks you are. And it always begins the same way, with a long and slow making out session but well your other lips, if you see what I mean.

He’d go from holding you close to his chest, to having his head between your thighs. His fluffy blond hair tickling your soft skin. He would stay here for a little moment, a minute maybe less, when you’d feel his breath fanning against your heated core. Then slowly he would lean in and give your clit a series of soft and loving kisses. It immediately gives you goosebumps everywhere. Then he would dip his head further and give your sensitive folds a long lick from the bottom and back to your clit, where he would gently flick his tongue.

Don’t think this happens in perfect quietness though, he is going to slurp every drop of that sweet nectar he loves so much, besides each time he tastes you he groans against your wetness as if he just tasted something orgasmic, and gosh it was. His licks only aren’t enough to gather enough in his opinion, so after what seems like a blissful eternity he would incline his head on the side and fond your tight entrance with his eager tongue. His hands would find a good purchase on your thighs as he pulls you closer to him. His tongue swirls against your quivering hole and then just like this he would slowly and tantalizingly push it inside, trying to scoop as much of your juice with it.

You’re not controlling any more sounds that come out of your mouth, your legs tighten around his head, almost choking him, but he couldn't care less. Please choke me more. He is so hard at this point he doesn’t even know what is preventing him from cuming right away against the edge of the bed, where he had been grinding his swollen cock since he started eating out. The friction against his skin is so delightful he meowls against you, sending even more vibration against your core.

He keeps caressing your sides with his hands, even with his mouth occupied he tries to prays you, but his words come out a little bit muffled “Sho good mmh”

And when he finally notices how you begin to tense under him, how your clit harden he encourages you “Come on… hhha give it to me Y/n. Come for me”

He is pleading at this point because he too is on the verge of coming. And suddenly just like he asked you you come in his mouth, he keeps lavishing your abused cunt to make you experience your pleasure longer, sucking and licking eagerly at everything you are giving.

Then once he is sure you’re done he pulls away, his face glistens with your juice, but his expression is one of pure pleasure and near climax. He quickly moves up until his hips rest between your legs, you can feel his hard length pressing against your center. With a glance he makes sure you are willing to accept him inside you and then he slowly plunges his needy member inside your soaked entrance.

His hips are working with a steady rhythm but he knows he isn’t going to last long. So he tries to pour his love inside you with each stroke he gives you. It’s not long before he clings to your body as he feels his balls tensing suddenly. He pushed forward one last time to be fully sheathed inside you as he spills his seed deep inside you “I love you. I love you. I love you” he repeats like a mantra, holding you as if you were his life line. And in moments like this you literally were.

Of course he is going to help you to the bathroom after, make sure you pee and help you clean yup with a warm cloth, but for now he just wants to enjoy the closeness and the intimacy of being in your arms. His cock starts softening inside you and you both let out a shaky breath. You’re both sated now. Your fingers are mindlessly drawing patterns on each other’s skin and you can’t help but think that next time you’re going to be the one worshiping him. A good thing that you bought a fluffy pillow not so long ago.

#naruto #naruto imagine #naruto smut #naruto shippuden #naruto shippuden imgine #naruto shippuden smut #naruto uzumaki #naruto uzuaki imagine #naruto uzumaki x reader #naruto uzumaki smut #naruto x readre #smut #smutember 2023 #miri-writes

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pettydollie · 2 months

Text

unopened backpack - m.s x reader

a/n: ok look, ik vday passed almost a month ago, but this just popped in my head now LOL warnings/notes: cursing, unpopular matt sturniolo x popular reader, reader has a small tantrum lol wc: 759

matt's leg bounces under his desk while he messes around with his pencil, drowning out the noise of the teacher rambling about.. his cat? whatever, matt doesn't care. he can't pay attention to anything today. he hates valentine's day. it's his second year of watching you get gifts all day from the jocks to declare their love to you.

pfft. love. they don't love you like he does. he bites his lip, watching the back of your head become the front when you turn around to ask someone for a pencil, which they happily provide. his eyes then turn to the bouquet of roses laying on your desk from that idiot tyler. he shouldn't be giving flowers to you, a precious delicate angel. he should've handed out his dick to the sluts who watch him as he plays football instead.

but who is he to judge? he's a fucking nobody and has been his entire life. he quietly scoffs when the boy sat next to you hands you a $10 bill. he almost lets out a chuckle as you put on a fake smile, taking the money and muttering a small "thank you". what is that guy, new?

seeing everyone else's gifts make his eyes slide over to his closed backpack which contained an assortment of things he knows you like. your favorite chocolates, a handwritten letter, a hello kitty valentine's stuffed animal he found at walmart, and decorative pink tulips since he knew you'd prefer keeping flowers forever.

he sucks in a breath, debating if he should give them to you or throw everything in the trash. either way, he's too pathetic to do both (his mother would definitely complain if he wasted his money on presents and he would get endless teasing from his brothers)

little did he know, you were practically grinding your teeth together impatiently. why hasn't he given you anything yet? why is the one boy you want is disregarding you completely? you mope at the thought of him having a valentine. someone who isn't you.

you look down, tracing the patterns on your girly nails. you huff, waiting for the period to end. when it does, you get out of your seat hurriedly, grabbing your puffer tote bag quickly following him. he goes under the bleachers for lunch per usual, but it's hard to keep up with him in your melanie martinez x KOI shoes. atleast you know where he's going.

you get there out of breath, seeing him sitting criss crossed on the grass. "matthew sturniolo." you pant out.

he looks up in surprise, confused but happy to see you. "hey." he answers bluntly, making your blood boil. "i know you and you know me so why didn't you get me anything? i- i didn't do anything, did i?"

matt raises an eyebrow. "what are you talking about?" he chuckles, which infuriates you. you stomp your foot like a little brat, adjusting the bag on your shoulder. "do you have a valentine? who is it? tell me who, please!" you whine, sitting down next to him. he grins.

"seems like you're upset, princess."

your face softens a little at the nickname. "i am upset!" you blurt, not knowing what else to say. "can you answer me please?" you meekily mutter, looking away from him before you get too embarrassed. he shrugs. his gaze doesn't leave the side of your face as he speaks. "don't have a valentine, dunno who told you i did."

you turn back at this. "oh." you feel hot and awkward now, but he's eating it up. you're jealous of some girl who doesn't even exist? this changes everything! the shyness from earlier leaves matt's head.

"and another thing," he pulls his backpack onto his lap, opening the zipper. "i got you a whole ton of shit." and he shows you the inside of his bag. you gasp excitedly, clapping your hands together adorably.

about 10 minutes later when you're finally done chattering about each of the gifts, matt scratches the back of his head and clears his throat. "d'ya wanna be my valentine?" he mumbles nervously, even though he knows you'll say yes.

"duh!" and you kiss his cheek, his face turning red as you do so. you happily stick a chocolate into his mouth and spend the rest of the day by his side, holding his hand throughout the halls while people pointed and some laughed. you couldn't give a shit less though as you lean joyfully into matt's arm, ignoring everyone else around you but him.

tags: @stargirlsturniololover @junnniiieee07 @mattsneezing @freshloveee

#𝓶𝓪𝓽𝓽 𝓼𝓽𝓾𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓸𝓵𝓸 #matt sturniolo #matt sturniolo x reader #sturniolo triplets #sturniolo #y/n #reader #fem reader #matthew sturniolo #matt sturniolo fluff #matt sturniolo x y/n

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minustwofingers · 11 months

Text

exoplanet p.6 (ellie’s journals)

summary: you’ve won the life lottery as one of the few people on earth with parents who gained admittance to the most prestigous safezone in the world after the outbreak. but after a lab accident sends you out to jackson, wyoming, real life hits you fast. it’s a good thing that a hot lesbian finds u. (lol). mean ellie at first, slowburn, enemies to friends to lovers, fem reader asf

warnings: a significantly different writing voice! this is going to be a very different vibe from the other chapters since i had to write it as i imagine ellie would (which is a lot different than i do). slight nsfw content (mdni), language, mentions of violence/gore, angst, ellie’s pov is actually really depressing

a/n: soooo i know it’s been almost 3 months...and i’m really sorry about that! a lot of stuff happened in my life and i kind of fell off writing for quite some time. but i finish series, so i’m going to get through exoplanet in its entirety so i can finally give you all closure. some preliminary notes: know that these are modeled after how i imagine ellie would journal if she did journal this much. canonically she didn’t do that much writing that follows a narrative like it does here. i think it’s honestly a little ooc for her to be emotionally responsible enough to talk out her feelings, but given that there’s no other way to tell her side of the story (save for legit rewriting it from her perspective, which would take another 6 months or so and be horrifically repetitive), i decided to just suck it up and write it. i’m sorry if it sounds awkward, since she definitely doesn’t write in a voice that i have much experience with. the next chapter will be better!

word count: 5.5k

tags~ @intrnetdoll @dazedshoon @lovecaraya @pctcr @sariyaflowr @loser-keiji @prettyplant0 @666findgod @sawaagyapong @rystarkov @buzzybuzzsposts @addisonnie @galacticstxrdust @elliesbabygirl @pinkazelma @ariianelle @lu002 @blairfox04 @sparkleswonderland @elliesflower @muthafuckingstargirl @elliewilliamsissubermommyoml @eviestevie-14 @quicksilversg1rl @guacala @crtcrp @overtrred28

(i haven’t updated this yet bc my tags aren’t working)

a special special SPECIAL thanks to both @roarriita and @elliesflower for being soooo sexy and betaing for me. you both are so wonderful and helped me sm in feeling good enough to post this :)

without further ado, enjoy ellie’s journals!

January 20th, 2038

Today’s been…fucking…

I don’t even know where to start. I don’t get why this sort of shit always happens to me. First it was being bit and somehow surviving. Then it was getting carted off across the country. And now some girl basically falls out of the sky, claiming that she comes from some sort of paradise up North?

I’ll spare the immediate details. I don’t think I’ll forget the basic stuff—her name, the way she looked clutching at her knees in the clearing and shaking. That stupid shirt she had on and that expensive scarf.

I still want to believe that she’s just a liar who happened to get lucky with running into us, but even without Joel vouching for her story, I don’t think I’d ever be able to buy that she’d been living in the same world as us. I’ve never met someone without scars before. I didn’t know that there were people out there who didn’t have marked up arms and faces. Or people without calluses. Did you know that hands can be totally smooth?

Anyway. Tommy says that he’ll try and reach out across the contacts he has. Joel has her living right down the hall from me in the meantime, so now I have to share my bathroom. Hopefully the Terranovan authorities are good at finding people. She takes so fucking long to shower. It’s a wonder the whole compound still has hot water.

[One page of drawings follows: Dina smiling in the snow on her horse, Joel playing his guitar]

January 25th, 2038

Maria says that they’re thinking about breeding Shimmer soon. I know she told me because that means I’ll need to ride another horse for a little until she recovers and I know that we need another generation of foals, but it still made me cringe for Shimmer’s sake. She’s too free-spirited to be a mother. She doesn’t deserve that.

I went stargazing last night. It was pretty. Lots of shooting stars. I ran into the girl while I was coming back from the meadow. She gave me a weird look, and I could tell she wanted to ask me where I’d been but kept her mouth shut. Sometimes I regret dropping off that bag of clothes. I really fucking liked that gray sweatshirt, actually. I’m not even joking. It looks weird to see it on someone else.

[Half a page of drawing follows of the night sky with labeled constellations]

February 5th, 2038

Long time no see. I’ve been pretty busy with patrols and helping Maria with securing the walls. Joel made me try some of that coffee that our new house guest brought. It was just as awful as I remembered, but he seemed happy. So one point for the space girl. I guess.

Dina’s been hanging around more. She just broke up with Jessie (yes, again). She swears that it’s for good this time, but I’m not so sure. She also talks a lot about Y/N and what little detail she’s gathered about her life back in Terranova. I thought teasing her by asking her if she had a crush on Y/N would make her talk less about it, but it just made things worse.

I miss when things were normal.

[One page of drawings follows: one of Shimmer in cross-ties, another of a girl’s face, half-finished with the face scribbled out]

February 12th, 2038

Today I’m sad. I’m in bed with that book about astronomy that Joel nabbed for me on patrol a while ago and there’s a section I wanted to read that’s completely waterlogged. It shouldn't be a surprise. It’s decades old and has survived through an apocalypse. Normally things like this don’t bug me much because I’m so used to it. Half of my Savage Starlight collection is damaged. I don’t think I’ll ever find the first book to actually complete the series, and that’s okay, because I’ve never expected anything more. But now that I know that there’s a world out there where I’d never have problems like this, stuff like this hurts. It’s so stupid. I’m lucky to be alive. Compared to what’s left of the world population, I live a much cushier life than most. But for the first time in a while, I’m wishing for more.

“Greed is the enemy of happiness” is what Maria would say if I ever said this kind of shit out loud. But is it really? Or is it just realizing what life can be?

[Half a page of a drawing of the solar system, with each planet labeled]

February 22nd, 2038

Maria let me pick the sire for Shimmer’s foal. It felt kind of gross, to be honest. I asked Maria if there was any way for Shimmer to choose and I was only sort of joking, but she just laughed anyway and patted my back. I won’t have to worry about finding a new horse for another two seasons or so, she told me. It’ll be weird not having her for a little.

She also told me that there was still no word from anyone who knew anything about Terranova. She said this to me in this placating voice, like she thought that I was going to punch a hole in the wall or something after hearing it. That seems to be common when it comes to people talking about Y/N and me. I don’t know why so many people think I don’t like her staying with us.

I don’t, by the way. Let me be clear. But I mostly feel indifferent about her now. She doesn’t bother me as much anymore, not since she started getting out of the house. I think she might be helping in the gardens, but I’ve never actually asked. We don’t talk a whole ton. I don’t think she likes me all that much.

[A drawing of Shimmer’s head poking over her stall door that takes up one page]

March 2nd, 2038

Today was finally our first nice day of the year. I would’ve enjoyed it more if the bird that lives in the tree outside my window hadn’t blown me out of bed at 4 in the fucking morning. I’m exhausted now. It’s been a long day. Joel says I need to take Y/N out on patrol soon. Why, I have no idea. Maybe he just wants me to actually befriend her or something, and I do nothing but patrols now. He can’t possibly expect her to be a good patrol partner.

Thankfully, I checked the logs when I came back. The route he wants me to cover with her has been the quietest all season. I doubt we’ll run into anything. If we do, I’ll probably be able to handle it. Hopefully.

[Half a page of doodles, mostly of nature and wildlife with the exception of a half-finished doodle of an arm clad in a fabric that drapes like silk and a hand with polished nails]

March 3rd, 2038

Many surprising things were learned today. I can’t believe it’s illegal to be gay in Terranova. Sorry. I shouldn’t laugh. It’s just—out of all the things they could be bothered by, it’s that? Really?

March 12th, 2038

I haven’t been good at journaling recently. I don’t really want to talk about why. You know why.

[Six pages of drawings, with many unfinished doodles of Y/N—including but not limited to her on her horse, her reading on the couch, and one with her sitting in what is a very loose interpretation of a classroom, taking notes]

March 13th, 2038

I will feel more normal tomorrow. Hopefully.

[Two pages of drawings, all of Y/N. One is her bent over a book, the other is her smiling up at you]

March 14th, 2038

I did something really stupid. I think I should probably just document this here so I don’t accidentally drunkenly spill it all out to Dina at the next bonfire. This is so embarrassing. I don’t get why I feel this way. It’s so stupid, you know? To feel anything towards someone who’s so…I don’t know. Different.

She gives me the weirdest looks sometimes. I can’t tell what they mean. It feels like she’s judging me. And why wouldn’t she be? I bet all the girls she spends her time around back home are just like her—perfect, orderly, pretty, proper. The day before I took her patrolling she gawked at the shorts I was wearing. It was borderline offensive. Actually, fuck that. It wasn’t borderline. It was offensive. You don’t just stare at people like that. She should know that.

Anyway, I invited her over to my room last night. Normal, right? Because we’ve been doing that a little since I took her on patrol, by the way. I’m not sure if I mentioned that before. But this time I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m…I don’t know. Creepy? Strange? Scary? She told me that she thought I was intimidating. And then I called her “untouched”, like how some old-timer devout Christian wackjob or whatever would describe virginity. It was so fucking weird of me. I don’t know what got into me, but she kept doing this thing where she kicked my foot with hers or touched my knee and it just threw me off. It took me forever to fall asleep last night—I kept replaying what I’d said to her, especially how I’d told her that she wouldn’t have made it if she were me like I was some sort of hardcore survivalist. I think I embarrassed her. I’m never doing anything like this again. I’m going to be dead sober every time I see her from now on.

I’ll stop talking about that. Y/N did come back after I’d made a fool of myself and showed me her collection of movies, so maybe it wasn’t so bad. I haven’t watched any movies since I was with Cat. When we first started dating, I’d invite her over and she’d sit right where Y/N did last night. I’m trying to not think of the implications, because it’s space girl, and she’s going home sometime soon.

[Three pages of drawings follow—some nature drawings of ferns and moths, others of Y/N with wet hair, her knees tucked up to her chin like she’d been in Ellie’s bed that night]

March 19th, 2038

It’s the Spring Equinox. That’s the first thing Y/N told me this morning when she saw me in the kitchen this morning. She gave me a mini lecture on what that meant for the planet’s axis tilt and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I already knew, since she seemed really excited to tell me.

I made a horrible discovery yesterday, by the way. Maria came up to me and told me that Tommy had decided to reach out to some of his other buddies up North to see if they had any connections to Terranova, and for the first time, I felt myself hoping that it wouldn’t work.

It’s awful. I shouldn’t be thinking like this. Even in Jackson, where things are comparatively much better than the rest of the world, there’s risk. Just this winter, one family had to be kicked out when they were found hiding an infected son. No one here is completely safe, just safer. I shouldn’t be selfish. Y/N needs to go where she’s meant to be, where there’s no chance of infection or invasion. I’ll be fine. I just need to get over whatever this is.

Speaking of her, I need to go get her to tell her that we’re heading out on patrol in just a few minutes. Fingers crossed she doesn’t accidentally shoot me, but Joel swore up and down that she knows how to handle a gun now. Sure. Haha.

I’m back. It’s the middle of the night and she only just left my room. I don’t know how much detail I need to go into—chances are I won’t forget this. But for bookkeeping purposes: patrol did not go so hot. I had to give her stitches without any local anesthesia. I’ve never given stitches to anyone nearly in my lap before. I was really nervous, too. I don’t think I’ve ever had to focus so much on keeping my hands steady when it came to stitching someone up before, not even with Joel.

I’m starting to think that maybe I was wrong about thinking that she didn’t like me. I still can’t tell exactly what she thinks of me, and I know that it’s a really bad fucking idea to be entertaining thoughts like these, but tonight she did something that made me reconsider. She got under the covers with me, and instead of moving away to keep us from touching, she rested her head next to mine on the pillow.

I hope she couldn’t hear how much my heart was racing. People can’t hear that kind of stuff, right? Even if they’re close?

I’m being ridiculous. There’s no way she—No. She doesn’t see me like that.

March 21st, 2038

She rested her head on my shoulder today. I don’t know what to think of it. If she was normal and grew up like the rest of us did, I would know exactly what to think. But she’s not normal, and it’s not fair of me to treat her like she is. Maybe this is, like, a culturally acceptable thing back from where she grew up. Maybe rich people just cuddle each other all the time. I wouldn’t fucking know, and unfortunately no one in this godforsaken town can help, because there’s a distinct lack of what Maria calls the “bourgeoisie”. They’re all either dead or back where Y/N grew up, doing whatever rich snobs do.

Even if it is normal for her, I feel like I can’t stop analyzing everything she does. She seems more nervous around me than she does anyone else, but she lingers like she can’t help herself. I’ve noticed that she stumbles over her words and touches me much more than is really necessary. Or at least I think she does—maybe I’m just imagining things.

But even if it means what I think it does, I can’t let myself think like this. It’s not fair to her. No one deserves to live here if they have the choice. At least the people out here know how to handle it. She doesn’t, and I don’t want her to turn into the type of person who does.

When I stitched her up and teased her about being weak and sensitive, I think she thought I was insulting her. I try not to think about it, but if I let myself wallow too much, I’ll wonder what kind of person I’d be if I wasn’t so jaded. Maybe I’d draw more, or read more, or write more. Maybe I’d be an easier person to love. I didn’t get to choose how I turned out. It just happened to me.

So if she has the choice, I’m going to do everything I can to help her make the right one. I don’t want her to be like this.

March 29th, 2038

I had a dream about Riley last night. I haven’t had one of those in years, not since I was traveling with Joel. We were back in the mall, and Riley had just turned the lights on as a surprise. I had this feeling then, like I was being given a second chance. That I could set things straight and do what was right. I woke up before I could insist that we leave.

[A drawing takes up half of the next page. It’s a crude depiction of the mall Riley turned in.]

April 4th, 2038

It’s the middle of the night again. I can’t sleep. I’m so disappointed with myself about what I did tonight with Y/N. At the time, it seemed like a really good idea. She likes me back, apparently. I was right about everything that I wrote about earlier, I guess. But it certainly doesn’t feel like I thought it would.

It’s not like there’s no part of me that isn’t thrilled that she feels the same way. That’s why I gave in and slept with her. But even when she told me how she felt, even before I completely lost my self-control, something heavy was already hanging over me. Regret, maybe. Or guilt. I don’t know. What I do know is that this can’t last. I can’t make this good for her like I want to. She needs to go back, and she needs to be able to feel like she can make that choice without feeling like she’s leaving anything good behind.

I’m not a spiritual person. but even so, I can’t help but feel like that dream of Riley was a sign. This is my second chance. I’m not going to fuck it up this time. I’ve already been an accomplice of so much suffering. Y/N is going home, and I’ll never see her again when she does. That’s that.

It took all I had left in me in the end to kick her out. She looked so hurt, and the fact that she tried to hide it made it even worse. I wish I could tell her why this can’t work, but I don’t think she’d understand.

[A drawing of Y/N kissing Ellie’s palm follows, her hair slightly mussed]

April 6th, 2038

I need to stop making rash decisions like knocking on her door late at night and asking her to come over. I really don’t know what’s gotten into me, because whenever I see her now, I can’t help but freeze up. Like last night, when she kissed me and touched my face and told me she thought I was a good person. I panicked and told her—well, nevermind. I don’t really want to repeat it here. It was mean, but I didn’t know what else I could do to get her to stop.

She was already tearing up by the time she left. I had to sit down and breathe deeply for a few minutes before I was sure I wasn’t going to be sick. I don’t really think I want to write more about this right now. It just makes me sad how unfair this all is. Of course the one time after Cat that I meet someone I really like it just has to be in one of the cruelest scenarios possible. I just have no idea what to do.

[Five pages of drawings follow of Y/N in bed, her head tilted back against the pillow, her eye’s half lidded, and her mouth slightly agape. Ellie redraws this multiple times, x-ing out parts that don’t seem quite right]

April 10th, 2038

I know this is none of my business, but she’s been spending a lot of time with Dina lately. She nearly got herself killed getting a gift for me with Dina yesterday, which feels like some sort of especially cruel joke. The universe isn’t being very fucking subtle right now.

If what I’m worried about is right, at least Dina has the option to come with her up North. She’d test negative.

April 20th, 2038

I would really like it if I could have one short break from the misery that’s my life right now. I turned 20 yesterday, accidentally introduced Y/N to my ex, proceeded to get much drunker than I meant to, completely fell off my rocker and asked Y/N to stay the night, and then discovered this morning that not only has Terranova found Y/N but that my strategy of keeping Y/N at arm’s length completely failed.

She wants me to come with her, and she’s threatening to stay here otherwise. I did the only thing that I could think to do and snapped at her.

I’m so tired of this. I hate having to act like I don’t care. This is the third time now that I’ve had to say something nasty to her to keep her from getting too close. I just want to get in bed and sleep until she leaves and I can pretend like nothing ever happened and that everything is normal.

[One page of drawings of Y/N passed out in her bed and Y/N grinning while holding a lopsided cake]

April 28th, 2038

I know I haven’t been writing much again. Sorry about that. I just can’t bear to think about my life right now. I know I should be relieved—this is what I wanted. I wanted her to go where it’s best for her.

But there’s still that selfish part of me that keeps me up at night. Y/N is going to leave this place never knowing how I feel about her. Logically, that should be what I want. This way I won’t need to say a real goodbye. I know I won’t need to now, since she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. It’s really fucking immature of me to be so hurt by what she must think of me now, but I can’t stop.

I wonder how long it will take for me to stop feeling sad about this. I’ve never had to process anything like this where there’s nothing I can do. With Riley and Sam, I at least got to heal from the knowledge that I was going to help make the vaccine to save the world. But losing Y/N just because of where we come from is totally meaningless. I can go forward knowing that I made it easy for her to make the right decision, but that only goes so far.

I don’t know how I’m going to handle this. I’m going to practically live with Dina so I don’t need to be alone for the first few weeks.

I wish May 8th would just come already so she can go away and I can get on with my life.

May 1st, 2038

Things have changed some. Joel cornered me in the kitchen last night and told me that I needed to grow up and just appreciate the rest of the time I had left with Y/N. I was going to agree and try to walk past him, but he stopped me and told me that he needed me to escort Y/N. I guess he’s right. She can’t go alone, and Joel and Tommy are getting a little too old for week-long expeditions into the wilderness.

He also told me that I need to apologize to her and make things right, saying shit like I’d regret it forever if things ended between us like this. I don’t want to admit it, but I think he’s right. When I told him that she’d originally threatened to stay if I didn’t go with her, he blinked, hard. Then he told me that he had an idea.

I’m faking it. I’m telling her that I’m going, even though I’m going to leave her when she gets picked up. I don’t know how I’m going to pull it off. When I told her in the meadow last night, she was so happy. I know it’s really sappy and cliche to say this, but I felt my heart shatter, bit by bit. I’m not a very good liar, not to people who are important to me. But I suppose I’ve been lying to her all this time, kicking her out of my room and telling her that I didn’t want anything more with her.

I can do this, I think. I have to do this, or else she might threaten to stay, and I don’t think I have it in me to be cruel again. Not to her. I guess I’ll just trick myself into feeling like I’m actually coming with her, like we have a chance of actually being together. I don’t know. We’ll see.

[One drawing of Y/N laying down in the meadow that takes up half a page]

May 3rd, 2038

It’s easier than I expected. Y/N sleeps over in my room at night, and if I don’t think too hard about it, I can pretend like things will always be like this.

I’m getting to be such a sap, though. I almost broke down in the bathroom today while I was getting ready. It was over the stupidest thing—a toothpaste bottle. Y/N always folds it so neatly, making a perfect, tight spiral of plastic near the end. It used to really bother me when I first had to share with her (because who does that—it’s weird and doesn’t do anything since she doesn’t manage to squeeze out the extra in the bottom anyways), but the thought of throwing it out when it finally emptied and having to find another one that’ll never be folded again hit me and suddenly I was counting my inhales and exhales. I don’t really give a shit about toothpaste. It’s just that it was the moment that I realized that she’s really going to be gone soon, you know? Slowly but surely, the evidence of her stay here will be wiped away and replaced. Someday I’ll forget all the little details about her.

She’s knocking on my door. I need to stop being so depressed and go see her before she picks up that something’s wrong.

[One small doodle of Y/N smiling and rolling her eyes while brushing her teeth]

May 6th, 2038

Dina’s coming now. Y/N told me this morning after she went to say goodbye. I feel really shitty about this. I guess I should tell her that I’m not going now, because this way Y/N needs to go home to get Dina the help she needs, but I just can’t bring myself to. I’ll have to escort both of them to the pickup spot anyway since Dina’s weaker now that she’s pregnant, and the thought of having to spend a full week with Y/N after she knew I lied to her makes my skin crawl. I can’t tell who I’m trying to protect by doing this—me or her. Maybe both.

I’m losing my two favorite people here, and they don’t even know it yet. But this is the best option. This is my chance to finally do some good in the world.

May 7th, 2038

I’m about to go stargazing with Y/N for the last time. I don’t think I’ll be writing in here again until I get back. I don’t want to risk losing this while I’m out in case something crazy happens. Which it probably will, but I canonically happen to be really good at living when shit hits the fan. Also—I don’t imagine Y/N to be a particularly nosy person, but if she ever came across this and thought it was a book or something, it would make things really awkward. So, you’re staying tucked carefully under my bed until I come back later this month.

I don’t know how to handle this sort of goodbye. I don’t really know how to handle any sort of goodbye, I guess, but at least I’ve been through them before. I may not do it well, but I know how to live when people I love die. But this isn’t like that. No one is dying (hopefully), and more importantly, I know it’s a goodbye this time. I see it coming on the horizon and I can’t even tell anyone about it. How does anyone deal with that? How does anyone cope?

Y/N’s knocking on my door now. I need to go before I start thinking even more and do something stupid like start crying or whatever.

I’ll be back in about two weeks.

June 1st, 2038

Sorry for not writing. It’s been pretty shitty, actually. It took me 5 extra days to get home because some scavengers gave me trouble. I hardly slept for most of them. I ran out of ammo about 4 days out and had to use my knife for everything I ran into until I was able to raid the cabinets of this abandoned cabin. Nearly got taken out by a clicker, too. It was not fun. It was especially not fun because I was not feeling super great to begin with, for obvious reasons.

Things haven’t gotten any better since getting back to Jackson. Y/N didn’t take her stupid Exoplanetary Systems textbook and now I’m struggling with whether or not I should throw it out. The rational side of me says to keep it because it was published after the outbreak and probably contains updated information that isn’t anywhere else. The rest of me doesn’t even want to look at the stars anymore because it reminds me of her.

It’s really hard not to blame her for ruining everything. I can’t go out and ride my own horse without thinking about the first time we went on patrol together and she dropped my gun and nearly killed one of us. And I can’t even relax in my own home, because I’ve spent almost every night with her since March in my bed. Sometimes when I hear a creak in the middle of the night I assume it’s her walking down to the bathroom or getting water until it hits me again that she’s never coming back.

I know I’m being melodramatic. There are many other worse problems I could be having right now. But I don’t even have my best friend anymore. I wonder if Dina and Y/N are angry with me for lying. I wonder if they’re settling in okay. I hope that Y/N manages to fix whatever her research was and that Dina gets better.

[Twenty pages of drawings of Y/N and Dina together. Some are snippets of them on their expedition to the pickup site. Others are pictures of Y/N and Dina walking around with smiles on their faces in what looks to be a city]

June 21st, 2038

It’s been over a month since I’ve last seen her. I had a breakdown while getting ready for bed when I realized that I didn’t remember what her voice sounded like anymore.

[Ten pages of half-finished drawings, each with its face scribbled over]

June 28th, 2038

I don’t think I really remember what she looks like—not exactly. I’ve been trying to draw her because I’m still in the habit of making decisions that are definitely not good for my mental state. I just can’t do it, and it isn’t for the lack of trying. Every time I get to her eyes I keep drawing something that looks wrong, but I can never tell why. I compare it to my earlier drawings of her from when we first met and it feels like meeting her for the first time again.

Joel says it’ll pass and that he’s proud of me for doing the right thing. Jessie and I have been hanging out more. Even if he won’t admit it, I can tell he’s miserable without Dina. But he understands why she had to go—just like how I feel about Y/N. And Dina too, of course. Jackson feels like a ghost town without her.

July 17th, 2038

I haven’t been writing or drawing in here for a while, I know. I was going to just go ahead and start a new journal—you know the one that Maria gave me for Christmas with the dark blue cover—but it didn’t feel right to just stop without explaining. Otherwise I’ll feel like an asshole for wasting so much paper.

I don’t want to move on from what happened with Y/N and Dina. I really don’t, but I don't think I have a choice. If I keep going on like this, I’ll never be able to live normally again. I’m just sick and tired of being sad all of the time. So I’m not going to write here anymore. I don’t think it’s realistic for me to forget all about it, because I don’t want to forget her. Not really. But I guess if I want to get better, I’ll need something different. So, here’s that. The beginning of my fresh start. “Fresh start” and you call me overdramatic!! haha. Y/N was here!

(You left this on your nightstand. I promise I didn’t read too much. I opened it because I thought it was your sketchbook. I’m going to put this back since I hear you walking down the hall now.)

ok as an aside my blog is broken so my stuff isn’t notifying people when i tag/showing up on dashes or in tags. please reblog if you’re comfortable so people can actually find this! thank you!

final a/n: i totally get it if this wasn’t quite your cup of tea this time—i just really wanted to iron out ellie’s pov before their reunion in the end. which is happening and not a spoiler because i have always promised a hea! this was a change in pace for the story and i promise you that the next chapter will be more normal/align more with my normal writing style. i have also changed my mind (probably) and have decided to stick with writing an epilogue! so two more chapters are coming before this is totally over. thank you so much for waiting and being so patient! i love you all dearly ok bye bye now

#ellie williams x reader #exoplanet #not adding tags because i’ll eventually repost #this is just for people who want to read!

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