#while having like all kinds of different classes and magics and worlds and shit

[symbioticsimplicity]

Someone just told me that my series reminds them of Homestuck and I don’t know how to feel about that.

#i get what they mean #because it's got this huge grand overaching set of themes #and there's a bunch of timelines and storylines running concurrent to each other #plus the characters are kinda fun and silly sometimes #while having like all kinds of different classes and magics and worlds and shit #like i get it i do #but still I was instinctually like EXCUSE ME???!

[kooksbunnnn]

Lost cause? 4: Can my happiness ever last?

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook× Female!Reader

Genre: Established relationship/ marriage, angst, heartbreak, makeout and kissing mentions, INFIDELITY. Panic attacks (TRIGGER WARNING). Pregnancy (do not read if this content triggers you) also, 18+, This is purely a work of FICTION please take it as FICTION only. Therapy and psychological conversations. Tears, guilt, regret and hope maybe?

Word counts: 10.1k approx

Summary: You always wondered, how would your life turn out to be if you and Jungkook had a baby? So, when you finally conceive and decide to tell your husband that you are pregnant, you didn't expect him to drop this bomb on you. You never would've thought that the surprise you planned would end up in agonized tears because of the shock your husband brings you. 

Authors note: Hello, my lovely readers, or should I call you all my bunnnnys? It sounds cute to me hehe, its a cute little name for my kooksbunnnn family, the readers who wait for me, love me, and read the stories I write. Thank you for waiting so patiently, ily guys. Here's chapter 4, I got a little carried away with words, hence the 10k 👉👈 sorry for the long wait once again, enjoy the chapter now. Bye-bye!

Previous chapter

___________________________________________

Seriously breathe louder Ross

You giggle watching an Instagram reel of a scene from friends where a pregnant Rachel snaps at Ross, who was just standing as you put another grape into your mouth from the container Jungkook packed for you with washed grapes.

As you scroll through the comments on the mentioned reel, you can't help but read some of the comments,

Comment: Rachel has such pretty hair.

True. You always wanted to try her hairstyles.

Comment: people should appreciate how the writers gave every female character a different kind of motherhood and different experiences, and it’s beautiful how they portrayed every feeling. Also, I can't imagine how one of them had a miscarriage in real.

Miscarriage. This word itself makes your body shiver with fear, and you immediately feel your throat get heavy. You shake your head at this and scroll further, not wanting to cry for the 6th time on the same day.

Comment: Being pregnant is a magical experience, sure, but it's a whole ass rollercoaster of emotions, and you won't be ready for the amount of mood swings that come with it.

Yea, No shit.

Comment: I love how Rachel had a character development nobody ever expected.

Mhm. True.

Comment: Can’t believe how they ended up together even after Ross cheated on her.

That got personal, guess it was time to delete Instagram.

Month 6 and a half, day 188 since that night and you’re surprisingly alive. The night your heart got broken and you didn't think you would make it through 2 months of life.

More like, you didn't think you could make it alone, without Jungkook. Technically? Yes, you couldn't live without seeing him or hearing him for the start of your pregnancy and now he is always around you.

Always around. Helping you sit, eat, drink, lie, puke, pee, and all this while being at his respectable distance from you.

“Cut yourself some slack, you're growing someone inside you. It's okay to be dependent while you're going through so much..” that's what your mom said when you asked her about your future and if it was a mistake going through with this.

Looking back to her advice from weeks ago you feel like you are being a little hard on yourself. Therapy. Sonograms. Lamaze classes, doctor appointments, morning-afternoon-evening sickness, hormones, mood swings, and whatnot. You feel excited for your baby to come into the world but would it be wrong if you said you were scared?

When you asked these questions to the people around you these were the answers:

Mom: “Yes honey, of course, it’s okay to be scared. Your life will change, and sometimes you feel like you won't know what you’re doing, but trust me having kids is a tiring but very beautiful experience.”

Dad: “Sweetie, it's completely normal. Your mom used to freak out a lot as well when she had you. We’re here for you, it's all gonna be okay.

Namjoon’s wife, Binna: “I have seen my sister go through it and I am gonna be honest, it is difficult and the delivery is gonna be tough but the results make it all worth it. I am so excited to start my family one day, too!”

Jin’s wife: “It's a little nerve-wracking, to be honest, but it's the best thing Y/N, trust me I have never cried harder than when I saw that my test results were not accurate, I was heartbroken. Trust me, this is the best thing that would happen to you.”

Namjoon, Jin, and Jimin in different words but similar contexts: “I don't know much about how you're feeling right now so I can't say I understand but trust me, I’ll be by your side and our dumb little brother’s side always. We’re a family, Y/N.”

Hobi and Taehyung came together while you and Jungkook were having dinner: We have seen our sisters and relatives go through pregnancy, and it honestly looks so overwhelming. We respect women more every day. We’re here always, just one call away.” They had said with smiles on their faces.

Yoongi: “I am not good with words or comforting people, Y/N, but I just wanna assure you that I am always here. All of us will be there for you both. It's not gonna be easy for you, mentally or body-wise, but never feel alone. You’re our family and always will be, no matter what.” He said, patting you like you were a kid while Jungkook sniffled sitting by your side in your sitting area.

The most common advice everyone gave was: Be easy with yourself, mentally, emotionally, and physically. You’re going through a lot.

And it was true. You and Jungkook have been working on your relationship’s progress ever since your first session, and somehow it was going pretty well. You had dinner together and he made sure he attended the sonography sessions and therapy sessions with you.

You had regular sessions together and Ms. Shin recommended you both try talking about the future ahead. No definite planning, just talking about the options.

Wall paints, cradles, toys, shopping, diaper brands, baby food, everything you could see in the future around your baby. Since the biggest reason for fixing your relationship was because of your baby, you needed to familiarize yourself sitting around talking about the little person gluing you both together.

So you both decided to have dinner together daily and decided to make a pre-baby diary while eating. Yes, it was Jungkook’s idea. It's been 8 days since the last therapy session and you have already listed the paint options for the baby’s room, went maternity clothes shopping with your husband and browsed some cradle options.

All was well, right?

On the outside, yes. In your ovaries? No.

♡♡♡

The lingering attraction you so badly tried to avoid for the past week is still lingering in the air around you. You roll your eyes as you feel embarrassment creep up your neck at how dumb you have been behaving around your husband.

You feel emotional, horny and everything at once. Absolutely mental.

“I don't think I am normal anymore.”

The therapist watches you utter the sentence with a manic like chuckle. She must be thinking you're insane. You notice how her hand freezes for a mini second and then continues to pass you the glass filled with water.

“My question, however, Mrs Jeon, was how did your weekend shopping go, but you can still go on. Why would you think such a thought?” Your therapist calmly asks you after waiting for your response to her earlier question for a good minute.

You finally take the glass of water in her hand stretched towards you after muttering a low ‘thankyou’.

After what happened with you and Jungkook and his damn damp hair, you were freaking out. One moment you were feeling like you could cry out of embarrassment but the next moment you wanted to make out with him in the kitchen while he wore his white dress shirt and those grey joggers you always loved.

Okay. You know this is weird, hence the embarrassment. Duh?! Earlier you weren't able to control the urges you felt, the mood swings, the craving, and now?! This fucking arousal.

You made an appointment with your doctor as soon as you woke up the following morning, hoping she would prescribe some pills or any kind of medications to reduce the arousal you felt but it didn’t help you much because there was no way of completely avoiding that.

The doctor didn’t suggest you take the pills that might’ve helped you because you already had a lot of mood swings and anxiety episodes, those pills could’ve worsened them. She makes sense, a lot of sense but only when you thought about it with a cool head.

But at that moment, while she was telling you all that? It's just safe to say you can grit your anger in between your teeth.

Now you were sitting in front of your therapist hoping she would help you reverse the psychology or something which would help you not feel horny for your husband.

‘Your husband who betrayed you and was now trying to make up for what he did which you were okay with and hoping for everything to be better one fucking day ago but now you feel like you wanna kiss him so badly it makes you dizzy’

It was like a mantra, hecheatedhecheatedhecheated, so that you don't pull him in to kiss the shit out of his cute little face.

When you say the same things you thought, your therapist nodded her head noting something down in her notepad. Maybe she thought you were mental.

“Mrs Jeon, I would suggest you control your sexual urges towards your husband by trying to remove yourself from the room he’s in. Considering he doesn’t sleep with you, but if he does-“ but you cut her sentence in the middle by whispering quickly in his defense.

“No-no he doesn't, he sleeps outside in the lobby.” You shake your head not making eye contact, feeling somehow guilty of your husband's daily discomfort.

“And it's completely okay, Mrs. Jeon, to have your space and have some distance. It doesn't make you a bad person.”

Damn, she is good. You need to give her great ratings. You look up at her and watch as she nods her head with a small smile making you feel at ease.

“Did you talk about this issue with Mr. Jeon?” She asks you, and you shake your head slightly. Why do you feel guilty, and what do you feel guilty of most importantly? Nodding to your reaction, she says, “Would you like to discuss why?”

“Would that even change anything?” You say with a huff a second after she finishes her sentence, frustration evident on your face.

Shrugging she says, “It might make things clearer..” her eyes slowly crinkled due to her hair falling in her eyes. Flicking it away she looks at you slightly tilting her head. “Isn't this what you chose, Mrs Jeon? Being honest is what your relationship needs at this point, isn’t it?

Sighing you realize how you might be running away from things, after all, you chose this journey. You both did and somehow you feel you might be turning into an obstacle towards a better family life, yourself.

Turning your head towards the plant in the room’s corner, you speak with a distant voice, “I don't know, All that I have gathered from the problems I have had in my life is that I could win any kind of battle if it were against my mind but if it's my heart I am fighting against? It's a fucking lost cause.”

“What do you think is the reason you would be fighting your heart, Mrs jeon?”

You scoff whipping your head towards her, eyes glistening. Digging your nails before saying what you feel just on the tip of your tongue,

“I love him.”

There's a pause, followed by your therapist humming.

“I love him so much I wanna forgive him and try to make things better but..”

“But..?”

Another pause. A suffocating one.

“I can't seem to do that to myself or my kid. What kind of an example would I be if I give in to something that's not right?!” After you notice how your expressions change into a frustrated scowl in the tiny mirror behind your therapist's head you feel your tears start to fall off.

“I am sorry.” You say sniffling and somehow embarrassed of your feelings taking over you.

“It's okay, Mrs. Jeon, here..” she offered you the tissue kept on her desk, and you wiped your tears chuckling at your situation.

You wince minutely when you reminisce how your last session went with Ms. Shin.

How did your life get to where it was? You have no absolute fucking clue.

♡♡♡

One moment you were crying because you can't forget the night he told you that he cheated on you and one moment you cried because you wanna hug him and then cry into his chest about how your hormones wanted you to kiss him but you can't because then you would cry about how you shouldn't be feeling like this about someone who betrayed you, then again you cry because you can't forget how he betrayed you.

It's like a frustrating cycle. A cycle you wanna throw off of a freaking dam to let it drown and maybe rust when the water starts to break the metal. Maybe that would help break it because there was no way in hell you could succeed in breaking it.

Not to mention how you have to pee every minute of the day and then crave pickles with some honey on them while sitting on the toilet seat.

Sounds tasty, right? Yeah, you shake your head in a quick no too as soon as you step outside and think how pickles would rather taste better with peanut butter on it.

As you deal with your tears and the spasmodic hand stomping on the pillow or table around you to let go of the kissy-kissy thoughts in your head, your husband stays clueless.

Not clueless about the hormones, na-ah.

Just the fact that you stare at him before you slap your hand on the table, or thump down the cup on the table too harshly for anyone to not notice. He tried to ask you if you felt okay. But ended up getting yelled at for not leaving you alone.

You once yelled at him for leaving the windows open which you asked to be left open, saying he should’ve known better when to close them.

This looks cute in shows and movies of how cute the mother-to-be looks yelling at a clueless husband but you on the other hand feel bad for making him feel actually at fault when he has been trying his best to make you feel comfortable.

What does he do after getting yelled at? He apologizes, does what you asked or yelled at him to do, and leaves. He still comes back and eats the dinner your mother made with you and your dad helping her out.

You feel terrible for how you are behaving around him, the worst part being that he takes everything you do and say to him without even reacting ever so slightly. You tried living life with him normally but you can’t forget the thought that lingers in the back of your head; that the favorite part of living your life with him was the affection, the touches.

It's frustrating to say the least that you haven't even hugged him in the last few months, you know that there is a reason behind the distance but since your mind tells you to create boundaries and try things again, your heart doesn’t understand how someone could try to make things better from a distance. Especially you and Jungkook.

He did everything according to how you needed without you telling him. Your childhood therapist once told you no matter how perfect a person tried to be there are certain situations where you can’t control the things the universe decides for you. She said that when you were having trouble accepting that you were the reason one of your ex-best friends changed schools, stating that you made her feel insecure. You had no idea.

So you accepted your fate, then and now as well. Doing things as they go in the flow. You had a discussion with your parents about how you are supposed to be having dinner with Jungkook as advised by your therapist so your mom and dad eat their dinner by 7 o’clock as advised by their doctors while you accompany them by having your soup or tea.

They thought it was a good idea so you agreed to do it.

By 9 o’clock or quarter to 9 Jungkook enters and you have your dinner and the discussion you are supposed to have about the baby.

It has been 15 minutes since your mom and dad went to their room after insisting on sitting with you while you wait for Jungkook to be back. You have your phone in your hand which starts to buzz with Jungkook’s name on the screen with the bunny emoji.

Picking up with a smile you answer to his voice.

God, you missed him.

Yep, you said it.

Picking up he seems like he is on the way and is trying to get his phone back from someone. “Hyung give me my phone back, hold his hands Yoongi hyung, hey-!” yes he was snatching his phone back.

You can hear a bunch of yelling noises in the background and you recognize the screaming voice immediately, Jimin. You shake your head at the chaos and smile putting a grape in your mouth.

“Hey, Y/N I am sorry I am a little late, I just wanted to ask if it's okay with me to bring Jimin and Yoongi Hyung over to your parent's house we have a bit of a situation on our hands.”

“Yeah, of course, kook, it's okay. Is everything okay though?”

Silence.

“Hello?”

“What did you call me?”

Your eyes widen at how you didn't even realize how normal this felt to you. You haven't called him Kook ever since you cried in his car after your first therapy session, always walking on eggshells.

“Y/N?”

Courage. Squeezing your fist and eyes shut you say,

“I called you k-kook. Is that not okay?”

Your leg starts to shake not knowing what to say next.

“No! Fuck, I mean it's more than okay. You know what? Let's not talk about it I don't wanna jinx it.” You can hear him smile and you can't help but widen your smile. It has been so long since you smiled this wide and you somehow feel better.

You repeat the words in your head, Don't feel guilty Y/N, go with it. Go with the flow. Cut yourself some slack. You’re going through a lot, be easy on yourself.

You smile and hear him chuckle before-

“Oh, no hyung not in my car ugh, we’ll be there in 5 minutes Y/N, I’ll reheat the food when I get there don't worry. Yoongi Hyung push his head out the window please-” And he hangs up.

Smiling at the chaotic phone call, you get up to check on your mom and dad if they are still up, wanting to tell them about the guests coming over. But since they were soundly asleep with the nightlights on, you switch them off, regulate the fan's speed, and take the phone from your sleeping-snoring mom’s hand plugging it to the charger and checking if they had water around them.

After checking up on your parents you close the door to their room and walk towards the kitchen to drink some water. Even the small activities could make a pregnant lady tired and the jug in your room was empty so you walked slowly towards the fridge. The pain getting better but still evident in your lower back which makes you put a hand on your back while you open the refrigerator.

Suddenly you spot a Harley bike model Jungkook gifted your father when he came home to meet your parents for the first time. Your father was really happy seeing the model, him being a Harley fan. If age didn't play a role in life your father would've still been traveling with your mom like those couples you saw in uni.

You remember how you and Jungkook loved to travel on his bike, you holding onto him as if your life depended on it, hair flowing from under the helmet and him accelerating the bike through the streets, hills, and empty roads leading to the cabin the whole group planned to visit during his and Namjoon’s collective birthday celebration.

Damn, you were so in love. Still are, and will probably always be.

The group has always been there for you, they're like the family you never knew you needed until they came into your life. The chaos was a part of your life, the screams, the teasing, the weekend game nights, the celebrations, movie nights which turned into everybody and their girlfriends crashing in the lobby on the mattresses Jungkook bought for the night stays.

You remember what the situation was when you met him for the first time six years ago.

♡♡♡

“Damnit Tae, jump outta here.” You argue with Taehyung as the three of you look out the window of your room.

“Fuck no. Are you mental? I’ll die if I jump out of here.” Taehyung says whisper yelling at your roommate, Aeri, who rolls her eyes at her dramatic “friend” panicking with wide eyes.

“No, you won't, don’t be dramatic.” You scoff as you push him slightly in the windows direction.

“It's a whole ass floor Y/N, the fuck is wrong with you?” He scowls at you as he regains balance panicking.

“Maybe we should call Jungkook.”

“Jungkook? Jeon Jungkook with that loud-ass bike? Nice. Sneaking a boy out of our room with the help of another boy. Fan-fucking-tastic, Taehyung.” You clap two times with a straight face.

“Guys,” your friend giggles as she tries to focus on the main topic in the room, while Taehyung goes back to sit on your roommate’s bed.

“I think he is right, Y/N, we could at least get help from JK.”

“Mhm, help in getting kicked out.” You mumble not so quietly earning yourself a middle finger from Taehyung and an eyeroll from Aeri.

“Fine, do whatever you want.” You say rolling your eyes.

The thing was you were only partly nervous because of your forced eviction but also because you had never met Jungkook, the campus crush. More like the crush of every girl who saw him on his bike. You were not one of them, at least you wouldn't admit that but you wouldn't deny that he was a pretty face to look at and a very hot piece of ass to stare at. The proportions of that man were totally insane.

Tiny waist, big- biteable chest, broad shoulders, thick thighs, luscious hair locks, biceps people could hang on, the all-black outfit, and the very contrasting facial features. If he wore a helmet people wouldn't imagine how the guy had big doe boba eyes and a cute mole under his lips, skin better than half of the girls who spent so much on products. He always had that glint in his eyes making him seem so innocent, innocent but with a physique that can crush people.

You never talked to him so you don't know how he sounds or if he is a rude person. You just know he is Taehyung’s friend whom he hangs out with around the campus.

While you thought about how Jungkook might or might not be your crush, Taehyung called him and you all got up to sneak him out of the house.

“Wait you don't need to come if you don't want to Y/N,” Aera said after looking around the hallways and telling Taehyung to tiptoe downstairs since her aunt’s room was on the same floor as yours.

“H-Huh? N-no I wanna go as well. So that if she wakes up I can tell her we both went out to get some fresh air while the guys ran away y-you know? “

You said. Terrible at lying. You wanted to see the man coming to save his friend.

Your friend was in a hurry sneaking her fuck buddy out so she didn't pay attention to what you said and how you said it. A total stuttering mess.

Walking out of the house you never imagined him to be so..so..so tasty. Thats the only words that come to your mind. He parked his bike at a safe distance because of how much noise it made and approached you guys.

The image in your hand was like the 480p version of how beautiful and ethereal he was but in reality, he had tattoos. Tattoos! Not even a small one, a whole arm that stretched inside his white sleeveless tee.

You thanked the cloth gods for making this particular article of clothing because you needed to see how hot men you would want to eat up looked in it.

“Told you, you would need my help.” He smirks as Taehyung walks past him only turning around to come back and give Aera a quick kiss and then running away again, making her blush.

“Run dumbass, their landlord would skewer us on her cane,” Taehyung says and you chuckle at how exaggerated he made Aera’s aunt sound. At your chuckle, Jungkook looks at you and you pause mid-laugh when you notice him looking at you.

“Hi, I’m Jungkook.” He extends his hand towards you and you blush not knowing how to respond to his raspy voice.

“Yeah, I know you.” You say staring at him with heat on your cheeks and immediately kick yourself mentally.

You sound like a fucking creep. I know you? seriously?

He smiles, “..and you are..?

“Oh I’m so sorry, I didn't mean to be rude I’m Y/N, Hi heh.” You extend your hand to shake his and he whispers your name under his breath eyes still looking into yours.

“Hi Y/N, you’re very pretty.” While he rubs his thumb on your already heating skin making it burst into flames as he rubs it again.

“Kook!” Taehyung yells and you break the eye contact, taking your hand back.

“It's okay don't be sorry, I didn't find you rude rather, I found you cute.” He says as you look at him again. You think it was an imagination of your beauty-struck head or maybe it was due to dark but..did he just check you out?

You give him a confused look at what he said, making him chuckle. He sounds so deliciously hot and raspy. God.

“That you know who I am, considering how you’re always in the art studio. I found it cute.” He says with a smile leaning slightly towards your face and you lean back at the same time he leans in. He stays towering over you and maybe notices your expressions. You just hope he didn't notice how red your cheeks might be.

Does he know about the art studio? Only people close to you knew about it.

Seeing your wide eyes, he straightens up to his original height and chuckles. He sounds so good, it reaches inside you and you knew that you were fucked.

“Kook?” You didn't even notice when Taehyung came back to drag his friend back. Slapping his shoulder and then sprinting towards the bike again.

“Kook, let's go. She switched on some kind of light in her room oh god. She’ll beat your and my asses collectively.” Taehyung yells waving his friends over.

“Hey we’re gonna be in the beat party as well, Y/N lets go,” Aera speaks from the driveway of her aunt's house, slowly retrieving her steps.

But you were stuck. Stuck on how his bunny teeth played with the piercing on his lips. Not being able to bear eye contact with him, you flicked your eyes away.

When Taehyung yelled again from a distance, Jungkook responded with a ‘yea yea coming’ while stepping backward with his white sleeveless tee sticking to his body.

Generally, you didn't like summers but you were so glad it was hot enough that he decided to wear a sleeveless outfit, for you to ogle his tattoos.

Taehyung and Aera are already away from the both of you, Taehyung at a safer distance from the house and Aera still waiting for you at the house hoping her aunt just woke up for her nightly washroom trips and didn't see you guys with these beautiful men.

With a smile on his face, he stepped back facing you. Clicking his tongue twice to get your attention, you looked at him to immediately regret locking eyes with him. He winked at you and said, “See you around, sweetheart.”

You swear you saw his eyes flitting to your lips and then to your skirt that was flowing with the slight wind in the surroundings before he turned around and ran towards his panicking friend.

You knew he was casually flirting and was out of your league. And since you didn't believe your luck would suddenly turn out to be on your side you didn't think of his wink as something more than something casual.

But goddamnit, the crush you never admitted to, was finally admitted in your heart.

♡♡♡

You smile as you pick the model in your hand at the fond memories of how you tried so hard to remain just friends with the guy even though he hung out with you daily, accompanied you in your art studio confirming he knew about you before meeting you. You never knew your friendship could be more than what it was but maybe growing up and getting jobs made you want to prioritize yourself and your wants, so you decided to tell him how you felt but he beat you to it three days before you planned on confessing.

“Sorry sweetheart, wanted to kiss you as my girlfriend on Valentine's Day without the fear of rejection in the back of my brain.” That's what he said before he kissed the living daylights out of you on the gazebo at your favorite park.

You smile remembering how he took you to the park saying the cherry blossoms were blooming early that year, you believed him nodding with excitement and you went along with him running and holding hands. Reaching there you were sad that no blossoms were blooming but then he gave you the promise ring he ordered from the vintage store you loved so much. You knew it cost him a lot but when you asked him about it he just chuckled deeply avoiding that question and before you could pick that topic again he kneeled on one knee and asked you to be his girlfriend officially.

You smile at the memories and keep the bike model back on the shelf, the flashback coming to a halt as you come back to the living room when your phone buzzes with your husband's name on it.

He didn't ring the doorbell nowadays to be cautious in case your parents were asleep. So you went to the door and opened it already expecting Jimin leaning on Jungkook’s shoulders while Yoongi just snickered at his younger brother, seeming unconscious but Jimin was very much awake, also very very drunk as he clung to Yoongi telling him everything was going to be okay. Jungkook held three bags as he gave you a sheepish smile at his Hyungs’ behavior.

“Yes, Yes, Jimin. It's gonna be okay.” Yoongi held Jimin very firmly while giving you a small smile before asking where to put him so that he could blubber nonsense somewhere your neighbors wouldn't hear.

Jungkook chuckles and leads them to the guest room while muttering a ‘hi’, looking at you from head to toe as if checking if you had any injuries.

“Hi,” you whisper, enough for him to catch your voice.

“How was your day?” You ask trying to take the bags from his hand but he tilts his body giving you a look that says ‘Really?’.

Sighing with a smile, you close the door and follow him inside.

“It was good- Oh shit the guest room door is locked. Wait hyung let me get the key” he put the bags on the counter while a grunting Yoongi held a wobbly Jimin in his hands.

“Wow realized it so soon,” Yoongi says sarcastically l as Jimin looks at you with a smile on his face. Gasping dramatically, he removes himself from his brother's shoulders and comes towards you, slightly tilted, but he somehow reaches you.

“I can see your baby.” Your eyes widen at what he said and you scoff a laugh as Jimin kneels down in front of your belly.

“He means you’re showing, and he is noticing that now, only, he sounds creepy as fuck.” Yoongi walks back to the sofa and sits down with a long sigh.

“May I please?” He says as hovers his hands over your belly with big puppy eyes and you chuckle at how patiently he wants you to answer.

“Yes, Jimin you may.” You say with a laugh and he whispers to your tummy hovering his hand above it like it's a crystal ball.

“Hi tiny person, I am Jimin, your godfather..” he giggles at the end of his sentence while you hear Yoongi chuckle from the couch.

“The fuck? When did we decide that hyung?” Jungkook stands next to you with keys hanging from his fingers, narrowed gaze focused on his elder brother.

“Shhhhhh” Jimin shushes Jungkook loudly almost spitting on your belly. You laugh as he looks pointedly at Jungkook.

“You don’t get to decide that. Dumbass.” Jimin slurs out and tries to get up grabbing the trousers Jungkook wore, almost making him fall over with his weight.

“Hyung, fuck you’re heavy when drunk.”

“I fucking know right? I don’t know how that happens..” Yoongi mumbles typing something on his phone, stretching his neck sideways to pop the strained muscle.

Jungkook stumbles while you also try to help him balance Jimin by bending slightly to keep a hand on his shoulders, but then you remove it as Jungkook whispers ‘I got him I got him’ assuringly not wanting you to take any strain.

Smiling to yourself you walk over to the couch adjacent to where Yoongi was sitting, asking if he needed water or anything like that.

“Nah I’m good. Thanks.” He waves his hand as he keeps his phone aside watching how Jungkook manages to drag Jimin back.

“...You’ll look good in a tutu as well..” Jimin says to Jungkook poking a finger to his sides continuously. “You know a white one with stars on it, I’ll gift it to the baby so that you can match your outfits then” Jungkook rolls his eyes in annoyance as Jimin’s voice fades into the guest room Jungkook opens for him to sleep in.

“Let me go check up on him yeah?” Yoongi says softly getting up from the couch, picking up a banana on the way to the guest room. Raising one of his brows and the fruit in the air as if asking for permission to eat it. You tilt your head with narrowed eyes passing on the message, ‘You have to ask?’

He smiles slightly shrugging and heads towards the guest room while pealing the banana.

“Jungkook, is he under control now or still wobbly- oh, fuck no-“ Yoongi asks from outside of the room but then pauses in his tracks as you hear Jungkook whine slightly out of disgust and you immediately get up feeling a slight ache in your lower back due to the hurry.

“Is everything okay?” You ask concern evident in your eyes.

Yoongi chuckles and moves away from the door, shaking his head. “Not gonna eat this now, sorry, Y/N.” He says, still laughing.

“Oh no did he-“Before you could say something Jungkook stomps his way out of the guest room and you immediately feel nausea entering you seeing your husband's sleeve covered in vomit.

“Hyung could you please help me heat the food? I’m gonna go take a shower, sorry hyungie just please-“ he continues walking towards the common bathroom at the end of the hall.

“Sure” Yoongi chuckles moving towards the fridge.

“I’ll help you..” you take a step towards the crockery cupboard.

“No, I’m fine. I’ll do it, you sit.” He says pausing you midway.

“No Yoongi lemme help..” you say but he just points the small spoon towards the island chair.

“It's okay Y/N I’ll do it.” He says nodding while opening the Tupperware filled with the various side dishes and the tofu-miso stew.

“I just don't wanna trouble you Yoongi, thanks though.” You say giving up on offering help as he heats the food one by one in the microwave.

“Oh it's not for free, I am taking the godfather’s title in exchange for this.” He smirks glancing at the room Jimin slept in.

“Yeah okay, try beating Jimin for the title. You chuckle looking in the same direction for a second and then at the man heating up the food. While he just gives you a small laugh while warming up the rice in the cooker, mumbling, “We’ll see who wins.”

You smile and pat your feet on the ground in a rhythm as Yoongi places the food on the kitchen island. You feel guilty for making him do this but he has already rejected your help three times so there was no point in arguing over it.

“Y/N?” Yoongi whispers looking at a plate in his hand.

“Yea?”

“I know it's none of my business and I should not even say something about this but can I just say it's really nice that you’re trying again?” He says lifting his head to look at your reaction to what he said.

You feel yourself freeze, this is the first time you had a conversation about your situation with Jungkook, the cheating, and the decision to try again. You sure talked about the pregnancy and yes there was always that lingering awkwardness in the air but this was new.

“Yea..” you sigh looking at your lap for a second and then lifting your head to give him a soft smile.

“Not everyone is lucky enough to get a chance to revive their relationship.” He says still looking at the plate while tracing the pattern on it with his index finger.

You know that his relationship ended badly, you knew how much he loved his girlfriend, you know he acts like it's okay but his dark circles tell another story, you know he looks thin and exhausted all the time but acts like it's nothing.

You know it's not nothing.

“Yoongi, I am sorry about-“But before you could finish your sentence he laughs almost in pain.

“It's okay Y/N, it's done, she is gone. She is happy without me and I can't change that.” He says and you feel your heart break at how small he sounds.

“It sucks but it's true.” He says softly, half to you half to himself, still trying to process his grief over the relationship he lost. After an uncomfortable pause, he continues.

“I saw him Y/N,” he points his chin in the direction of the washroom Jungkook was taking a shower in when you look at him confused at the change of topic.

“..and don't think I am taking his side 'cause he is like a brother to me but I say this honestly, he was devastated while he was away from you.” You just stare at him with eyes round and wide not expecting this conversation to go this way.

“He forgot to eat and sleep, just kept asking Jin Hyung and me if we saw you or if any other of guys saw you.” He says while you look at him nervously talking about the topic, picking his nails.

“Do you remember the time you were at the hospital due to your abdominal pain?” You nod at his question feeling your throat tighten up uncomfortably so you divert your gaze down at the plate with little blue flowers printed on the ceramic.

“He ran to the hospital since his car was still parked at your previous address.” Your eyes widen and you whip your head toward the man standing in front of you.

What does he mean he ran?

“What?” You whisper.

“Taehyung had a night shift and he was alone at the apartment. I tried to tell him to wait for me to pick him up when he called to ask if Taehyung left office or not, but he just hung up saying it would take too long.”

“So he ran to you.” You feel your throat tighten as humanly possible, eyes burning.

Wasn’t Taehyung’s house almost double times the way compared to your route connecting your house to the hospital? You can't even comprehend how he felt when you didn't even talk to him that day.

Shouldn’t you feel like he deserved to feel like that? Shouldn't you say that he did that to himself? That was what you should've said right? But your heart thumps harder every second making your eyes spill the tears gathering in them.

You remember Jungkook was really out of breath and was also wearing different slippers that day.

“Since it was pretty late, he couldn't even book a cab quickly..” Yoongi looks at you and notices how your gaze is zeroed onto him and immediately understands your expressions.

“Hey, I am not trying to make you feel bad or something like that, what he did and what you guys decided is totally none of my business but I just wanted to tell you that giving a second chance is not easy and I really wish things work out for your relationship. I really appreciate you both working through so much stress you know? I can see what his vision meant when he wanted to quit last month.”

“What?” You whisper

“No no, he doesn't want to quit now, I mean after what you both decided Namjoon talked to Mr. Park and handled it..” when Yoongi doesn’t see you respond to whatever he said he realizes that you look lost.

“You don't know, do you?”

“Don't know what?” You whisper again, heart racing. Why do you feel you're not gonna like what he is gonna say?

There is a pause, a very uncomfortable pause. He visibly scans your face and inhales sharply as if deciding against or in favor of telling you about the whole situation.

You clench your pajama pants into your fists as your hand rests on your lap. The kitchen felt stuffy all of a sudden. This might seem like an overreaction but your body feels defensive all of a sudden, deciding between running away or ripping the bandaid off.

Deciding on the latter you ask,

“Yoongi, please tell me?” You request softly and at your almost inaudible request, Yoongi sighs, giving up. He shuts his eyes for a second and then looks up smiling sadly at you.

You hold your breath.

“Um, he was promoted to be the next VP of the agency, and uh..” he rubs the back of his neck looking away, avoiding the eye contact with you.

“And he rejected it?” You whisper and Yoongi nods, still not looking at you.

“The job required him to give more time into his job, more hours away from home. From you and her.” He looks at you and then points his chin in your tummy’s direction.

“So when they told him the details about the hours and the business trips, he immediately refused. Since he was the most eligible person for the job, the CEO, Mr Park..” he says,

“Mr. Park.” You say at the same time nodding.

“Yes, Mr. Park tried convincing him saying he’ll adjust according to your due date and whatever changes Kook would want to his schedule but this kid..” Yoongi chuckles shaking his head, “..rejected it, saying if he had to quit the job he would do it but he would not add onto whatever hours he was working.”

“Then suddenly..” Yoongi picks up a tangerine from the fruit bowl and starts peeling it.

“He came up with an idea of actually quitting in order to give more time to you and your child, so when Namjoon said and I quote, ‘Y/N is gonna kill you if you do that, she knows how much you worked for this’ Jungkook said that you both decided mutually that rejecting the promotion was okay and you were okay with whatever he decided about his job. Which…looking at you right now doesn't seem like it.” Yoongi looks at you with a hesitant expression, offering you the peeled fruit.

You feel your ears heat up and not out of good reason, you are actually mad at him. You were hearing all of this for the first time and you can't believe he backed off from the job he got offered after working so hard. The reason he used to work his ass off, extra time, no holidays, always punctual, not caring about his meals and whatnot, and then just fucking backed off?

"When was this?" You say gritting your teeth, eyes glistening with angry tears, eyes still on Yoongi.

You take the piece of fruit from his hand and shove it in your mouth, eyes red with tears in them.

“Y/N..”

“Why didn't he tell me? And wait a minute he said it was a mutual decision?! What the hell?”

“Y/N, he must have had a reason for saying so, he did explain the reasons and it sounded like he gave it a lot of thought. “

“Don’t you mean WE gave it a lot of thought? hah.” You say chuckling bitterly, swallowing the fruit, your hand going through your hair in frustration as you face the direction where your husband showers unaware of the angry volcano on the other side of the bathroom door.

“What the hell is wrong with him?!” You almost scream but lower your voice remembering your parents are asleep, immediately looking around warily and Yoongi does the same, with similar expressions on his face.

“Sorry, I just feel so mad right now.” You say squeezing your eyes shut, speaking through your teeth.

“I guess you should talk to him,” he says looking at you softly.

“You’re damn right I will-“ you say

“But not now, privately, okay?”

You look at him breathing heavily, cheeks wet with tears, his eyes pleading to not lose your calm immediately. You look at his anger and countless emotions swirling in your mind, nose flaring.

“Ah, okay fine.” You say throwing your hands in frustration, coming back to wipe the tears off your cheeks.

The next few minutes Yoongi tried not to talk about anything and you just swirled your spoon in the spoon Yoongi served for you. He constantly made sure you were sipping the soup, giving you water, and peeling another tangerine for you.

He almost sighed in relief when the bathroom door clicked open and Jungkook came out of the washroom. The steam rushed out of the white-tiled space along with a drippy Jungkook and a goddamned towel around his waist.

You feel madder now. Is that even a word? You don't care because that's how you feel. Madder.

Remember when you said how your emotions were on a roll these days? Yea. It was an understatement because the moment you saw your husband with that damned towel hanging low on his hips your anger turned into angry horniness, you wished, only for a second, but wished Yoongi wasn't here so that you could straddle the half-naked guy and ask him about the stupid decision he made.

Although Jungkook had immediately rushed into the room to get some clothes on him it was enough to make your ovaries light up on fire. You're mad and horny, two things that don't go well for you. Especially not in this state.

"Hey guys I am sorry, I had to wash off all that puke stench. Why didn't you guys start eating yet?"

"I don't know maybe you took very long to shower." You snap at your husband and he freezes in his tracks to get the plate.

"Y/N, I was there for only 10 mins."

“I don't know, felt like 10 years."aAt your tone Jungkook looks at you concerned and then at Yoongi who watches awkwardly, the whole scene unfolding in front of him.

"Guys you know what I think I am gonna head home, I have eaten with Jimin earlier and need sleep."

“No- yoongi eat please-“ you request feeling guilty for making him awkward.

“Yes hyung, please finish your dinner.” Jungkook says, looking at his hyung but then flicking his gaze back at you.

“No no its really okay.” Yoongi says, already walking away from the island.

"Okay, hyung." He says after a second his eyes wandering back to you observing your sour mood. Eyebrows furrowed with thought while you just chewed on the rice mixed with the curry not looking at Jungkook after waving to Yoongi.

Yoongi walks towards the doorway with slow steps, the footsteps echoing along with the tinkled spoon made inside the curry bowl. He grabs the keys and walks towards the two of you, giving you a nod and patting Jungkook’s back.

"Take care Y/N and you too, kook." He stares two seconds longer at the younger male and then nods at him. Jungkook gets up halfway to which Yoongi waves in a signal for Jungkook to not bother seeing him off.

The door clicks shut leaving you and Jungkook in silence.

"Y/N wha-"

"Eat, Jungkook."

At your stern tone, Jungkook flinches and just resumes eating in silence. Silence for almost 10 minutes. 10 slow and irritating minutes. It was like the clock ticked 10 seconds forward and then 40 seconds backward. The silence added to the awkwardness you both felt, making the time more unbearable.

Again, did you mention slow?

All the thoughts come back to your mind, every emotion holding your neck in a chokehold, everything that you’ve felt since the day started comes back. The conversation with your mom about how she asked you if you wanted to move back in with ever, you thought your mom wanted you to leave so you cried. All the emotions you felt then catching up to you.

The thoughts of being alone with him made you happy and cry at the same time in the afternoon while you finished working on the report your seniors asked you to finish before your leave started. You feel all the emotions you felt while rewatching the notebook in the evening before dinner. You feel all the emotions at once, those emotions which you felt when Jungkook called you from his car and, also when he called you from his office to check if you had your medicine.

The emotions of frustration and anger when Yoongi told you about the job offer and how your husband rejected it. The thoughts about something bad happening to your child come back and make your head dizzy. It's too much at the same time. You're happy that he is eating his food in silence because if he did say anything before you finish, you might actually run to the bathroom to vomit all of your emotions.

After minutes of frustration and anger and sadness and silence, you finally got up and almost threw the plate in the sink, Jungkook tried to get your plate but you just brushed past him huffing finally making Jungkook ask you the question you didn't want to hear and hear at the same time.

You wanted to talk to him about the whole thing and didn't at the same time. You were on an emotional rollercoaster, and Jungkook was gonna be the bird that hit the coaster blades, getting hurt.

"Y/N did I do something wrong?"

"Oh, do you do anything right these days Jungkook? I don't think so." You chuckle throwing the glass of water into the sink thankfully not breaking it.

Turning towards your husband, you immediately regret saying what you said because he just looks like a kicked puppy. Big eyes filled with gloss, nose red, and wobbly chin. His features make you feel like the worst human being on this planet.

"Y/N, I am sorry for whatever it is but can you tell me what's wrong?" He whispers looking- no, pleading with his eyes as you stand like a wall in front of him.

"You tell me, did you do anything to make me feel stupid and pathetic recently?" You say pointedly. Venom. Pure venom.

"Baby.."

"Don’t. Don't call me that." You say firmly.

"Shit- I am sorry Y/N please tell me what happened..wait-" You push yourself away from the counter instantly feeling the pain in your lower back.

“Bab- Y/N wait.” He rushes to your side holding one of your hands and one holding your waist, giving you support but somehow his touch stings, in the best way. You hate your mind and heart. You just hate it.

“No, I can walk myself I am not a toddler.” He doesn't let go of your hand even though you tell him to, he helps you walk towards your room. You try to tell him that you can walk alone but he doesn't listen instead he just hums or mutters 'I know' and it infuriates you more.

Why isn’t he saying anything? You’re literally acting like a spoiled kid right now.

Opening the door he walks you inside the room and helps you sit on the bed. As you take heavy breaths placing a hand on your chest you feel how rapidly your heart raced.

Removing the lid of the glass sitting on your nightstand, he helps you sip some of the liquid. You feel tears in your eyes and when he removes the glass from your lips he just smiles sadly at you and wipes the tears from your face with his thumb.

Leaning into his touch you say, "Why are you okay with me being like this to you?"

Okay, that's a dumb question ask Jeon Y/N, you're mad at him but just looking at him you feel like you are treating him like shit for something he doesn't deserve. Of course, he cheated on you, of course, you want to not love him because of that, and of course, your heart aches when you think of the betrayal but can you ever unlove him? Can you ever hurt him knowing you're gonna hurt him and not feel bad? Can you ever just look at him and feel nothing for him? Can you ever not love him?

Your head feels buzzed and when he speaks and your anger explodes.

"I deserve it, baby." You scrunch his t-shirt in your hand and pull him towards you, making him almost fall on you but he regains his balance by placing one of his hands on the comforter. With wide eyes, he just stares at you and the way your eyes brim with fresh tears. He tilts his head as if feeling guilty for the tears but you don't let him say anything.

"Why?" At this he looks at you confused.

The other tattooed hand finds its way on top of your wrist holding his t-shirt and you feel your sanity fly away for a second but at his confused expression, you feel your anger come back.

"Y/N what-" he sputters with big eyes

"Why did you reject the job offer?" you finally say.

Pin. Drop. Silence.

"What?" he breathes out.

"You think you can make that big of a decision by yourself? " you say sniffling.

"How did you-"

"How did I know? How about, why didn't I know?" You raise your voice slightly and he shuts the door so that your parents don't get their sleep interrupted, tilting slightly towards the entrance, your bed not being that far from the door.

"Y/N I am sorr-" you cut him off mid sentence.

"Sorry? How many things are gonna be okay just because you apologize Jungkook?! It was your dream, you worked so hard for it.." you say feeling tears spill out of your eyes and when he just looks down at your lap with his lips twisted in a straight line guiltily, you can't help but yell at him a bit, "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

You didn't realize when your hand shifted from the t-shirt's neckline to his neck. You realize that only when his eyes shut for a second at the feeling of your hands on his face, the other hand coming to sit on top of the comforter on the other side of your body. Holding onto his face you asked him the question with big teary eyes, wet cheeks, and a wobbly chin.

"Tell me, kook?"

Sighing he answers, "Baby, they wanted me to go away."

"Don't lie to me, Jungkook, please. Yoongi told me they were ready to fix the schedule according to you -"

"And you think they were gonna do that for me forever?" He asks.

"Why did you say that I agreed then? Why did you lie? Why didn't you come talk to me? Do you think I wouldn't have understood or that you think it's not important for me to know?"

"Would you have let me quit if I wanted to?" He asked instantly.

You pause. Dammit.

"You see? That's why I didn't tell you. You're already handling so many responsibilities, I didn't wanna worry you more." He says, eyes turning soft.

You look at him. Eyes looking at him trying to find dishonesty, the thing was, Jungkook doesn't lie. Even after he did what he did, he came out to you truthfully. It hurt but you're where you are because he was honest. It's the bare minimum, honesty, but its rare. At least in your experience. But not with Jungkook. He can't lie.

"They were willing to change my schedule for me only until she is born.." he says looking at your tummy and then lifting his eyes to look at you.

"..I can't risk being away from you again. It might sound like I am lying but Y/N, baby, I don't wanna be away from you even for a single second. I wanna prove myself to be worthy of a second chance. I wanna be worthy of you and her. I can’t imagine my life even for a second without you or her. You can push me all you want, you can yell at me all you want but don't tell me that I should've chosen a job and not my family. I know I don’t have an answer for why I did what.." he pauses gulps and continues.

"...I did, I myself don't know why I did it, and trust me if I could turn back the time I would. But baby..." he puts his hand on yours that is resting on his cheek waiting for a second, barely visible, but he waits for some kind of negative reaction to him touching you. When he senses none, he continues,

"...I love you, and I will love you for my whole life, I will love you and my family until I breathe. I am so sorry for fucking things up but I want to fix them, I can fix them, we will fix it. Just don't please.." he squeezes his eyes shut slightly squeezing your hand as well.

"... don't ask me to go away from you. I can't live away from you. I would quit my job if that's what it takes to be with my family, to take care of my family, to take care of you, and to take care of us. Please tell me I can be with you, can you please tell me you don’t want me to go away? Pleas- “

You tell him exactly that, but not verbally because wasn’t it ironic how he feels sorry for not knowing why he did what he did when you don't even think of any second thoughts before you do what you do, without knowing why.

Lips crashing on his, you shut him up with an answer you feel him absorbing inside him. He freezes when you kiss him, his breath stuttering when you move your lips against him. You squeeze his t-shirt in desperate need, and you feel him flutter his eyelids against your cheekbones, your tears mixing with his, and he kisses you back.

Does it last? Does your happiness last? No.

As soon as he moves his lips, you hear him sniffle and break the kiss. His eyes are still red, and his cheeks are slightly wet as well. He sniffles again, but the only sound you can hear is your heartbreaking because he moves away.

Away from the bed. Away from the comforter. Away from the kiss. Away from you.

He gets up and takes a step back, shaking his head, eyes squeezed shut. He curses under his breath as if regaining his composure while you just stare at the space where he was sitting earlier.

“I- I am sorry, Y/N. I shouldn't, I can't. I am really sorry, I shouldn't. I just shouldn't. I am sorry.”

And he leaves the room, shutting the door, not completely but leaving it slightly ajar. It's just like he does always. You hear the kitchen tap opening. He probably is doing the dishes. You hear everything from outside the door, but you feel like there's radio silence in your room.

A low beep-like sound ringing in your ears, embarrassment? Hurt? Love? Anger? Betrayal? Pain? Need? Desire? You feel so much at once, and you don't know what to do with it. This is getting so much more fucked and somehow you both find new ways to make this way tougher than anyone can imagine.

After some time, you hear the lights outside click off, and you can't help but wish he came to you. He does, but only to keep a fresh glass of water on the nightstand. He wishes you good night in a whisper, glancing once at your face and then,

...leaves.

Well, shit.

___________________________________________

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[auteurdelabre]

Something to Fight For (series) (PART SIX)

Word Count: 5.9

Pairing: Dad!Joel Miller x f!reader (no use of y/n, no age or physical descriptions)

WARNINGS: Super sweet!Joel Miller

A/N: This is part of a series (lots of angst, pining and smut ahead) Also despite Sarah's young age Joel is early 40's in this because slightly grey babygirl DILF Joel is the best Joel.

James is gone.

Gave his resignation Saturday night.

You find this all out from your boss on Monday, a stern man named David that only ever drops by to give bad news like budget cuts and when you don’t submit reports correctly. Today he delivers the news that James is gone, not even giving two weeks’ notice. You don’t bother ratting him out. You’re happy he gone from your life and now your work.

But now it's you at the office doing the work of two people for the salary of one. 

The only boon is that you’re able to do this in a stunning and restored office with beautifully made cabinets that buttress the waiting area. Everything smells fresh and clean, the floors don’t make clattering noises when you walk on them, the walls are painted and the large window at the front has been replaced.

But you're exhausted. 

When Maria invites you up for dinner later that week you almost decline. But then the topic of her chicken fried steak is brought up and you can’t say no. She can’t bake for shit, but damn can Maria cook.

“Joel is coming too,” she tells you with a concerned look.

“Okay.” You shrug at her, confused at her recalcitrance.

“I just don’t know where you stand with him,” Maria hedges. “One second he’s an asshole, next second he’s saving you from coke-heads.”

You laugh. “He’s good in my book.”

Maria is so thankful that you don't balk at the idea of Joel coming over with Tommy that you almost feel guilty for all the months you did. 

////

Joel really doesn't like how much he thinks about you. He's frustrated that when he wakes up when the house is still and quiet that he no longer thinks about his day ahead; the errands he'll run, the meetings with new clients, what he'll make for dinner. 

He still thinks about Sarah of course, that will never change. Dentist appointments, class parties, trips to parks. 

But now you're there too. 

You've managed to sneak into his subconscious. Things you've said to him. Like that shit about Michelle which he still feels weird about. Or the way you'd looked at him in his truck when he'd come to open the door. Or that cupcake you spent your own time and money making for Sarah. 

You do so much for Sarah.  

There's something magical about seeing his daughter through your eyes. The way you laugh with her and teach her and remark how clever she is, how kind. This immediate affinity you two had for each other. So strangely opposite to the first impression of you and Joel. 

Once in a while when finishing up at a work site or having a beer, Joel has the same question run through his head. 

What if you both hadn't suffered from that horrible moment in the parking lot? Would things have gone different? Would you be in his bed right now if they had? 

He doesn't let himself dwell on that for too long. Because the fact of the matter is that's not what happened. You started out not liking one another and you are where you are now: unknown. 

This unknown is what kept him from punching James for you. You're not his to protect even though everything in him screams an overwhelming need to do so.  

It's like his world is a very small collection of his brother, daughter and now you and he doesn't know how to feel about it. It's unfamiliar ground. 

He just doesn't know when you went from someone so annoying to someone he cares about. 

///

Okay, so you thought that after your sex dream you would be fine the next time you saw Joel. You’re mature; it was just a silly dream.

Turns out, this is untrue.

Because when Joel has a meeting with a client that Thursday and you've come to babysit. Your heart lurches at the sight of him when he opens the door. This is the first time you've seen since 'the dream' you blush like an idiot when he greets you. It's just he's so tall and broad and. . . beautiful.

Can a man be beautiful? One so masculine with such strong features?

Yes, if that man is Joel Miller.

Get your shit together. It was a dream.

He chats with you a bit as he gets ready to leave, pausing when you mention James and how he's left the position. Relief floods Joel's face and he nods emphatically citing that hes glad you won't have to deal with that asshole anymore.

Sarah hears that one.

That night is a tough one. Not because of Sarah - she is as always, a darling child. Perhaps a bit grumpy with having to go to bed, but you wonder if that's just because you're so exhausted and haven't met her energy for the evening.

When you go back downstairs to lay on the couch you sink into it. You turn on the TV, some inane show with characters who shouldn't be married plays quietly. You watch it for a short time before your lids start to close...

...You hear your name being called softly, a gentle tap to your wrist and your eyelids slowly flutter open. 

Joel is standing in front of the sofa, looking down at you with his hands in his jeans pocket. The room is silent; he must have turned off the TV. 

It takes you one disorientated moment to realize you've fallen asleep on the sofa. Sarah is asleep in your arms, her tiny hand clutching a tendril of your hair like a security blanket.  She must have snuck out of bed and you were so tired you just welcomed her into your arms.

"Shit, I'm so sorry," you whisper in a voice thick with sleep. "I've been so tired this week, guess it caught up with me."

You shift Sarah up, making it easy for Joel to gather her into his arms. You wince as you realize Sarah still has a death grip on a chunk of your hair.

"Ouch."

Joel glances down and realizing the issue goes to loosen your hair from her sleepy fist.

"Sorry." He pulls your hair free, his fingers pausing over it before he lets it fan over your cheek. 

Sarah makes a noise of discontent before he's rocking her in his muscled arms, making soothing shushes until she falls asleep again. You stare at this scene, feeling a strange warmth going through your body at the sight. 

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Huh?" You look up at Joel in confusion. 

"Why didn't you tell me you were overworked?" Joel asks again in a soft rasp. "I could have rescheduled."

"I didn't want you to reschedule," you explain in a hush. "I wanted to see Sarah."

It's true. You love your time with that sweet girl in Joel's arms. Love how she giggles when you do the voices of the characters from her bedtime stories. Love how she eats your terrible cooking with gusto. Love how she plays with the ends of your hair when you watch cartoons together. 

"Well the feeling is very mutual," Joel says with a soft smile, still swaying with her gently. "She never stops talking about you. Not even when I beg her to."

You weren't expecting a joke from Joel. You especially weren't expecting the broad smile that accompanied it, the kind of charming smile that shows you just why Joel Miller has women staring after him. 

The joke and the smile surprise you into a warbling laugh that causes Sarah to stir in Joel's arms. You take that as your cue to leave, jumping up off the couch and grabbing the purse on the ground. 

"I better go before she wakes up," you say bringing the purse over your shoulder. "See you at dinner tomorrow. G'night."

"G'night," Joel calls after you quietly. 

///

Tommy bursts through the door the next night, calling out a cheerful hello to Maria as he enters the kitchen with a bottle of wine. He kisses Maria as she pulls the chicken from the oven citing that everything smells amazing. You’re setting the plates, waving to him as he calls a hello to you.

“Need help, sugar?” he asks Maria in that sweet way he has with her. You smile to yourself, listening to them murmur back and forth. Then there’s a knock at the door and Maria shouts for the visitor to let himself in.

Its Joel of course, replete with a dessert from the market. He sails into the kitchen holding it at his hip as if it’s a football. Your stomach jumps a fraction before you breathlessly you look around him, surprised not to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.

“No Sarah?”

“Friend’s house,” Joel explains, holding your face in his sights as you come over to inspect the dessert. He tilts it down for you to see the market name and the flavor.

“Peach cobbler. A classic.”

“It’s not a homemade blueberry cupcake but it’ll do,” Joel smiles warmly at you.

You absolutely hate the jump your heart gives when that dimple of his pops out. His eyes slowly drift from your face back to his brother and the two of them dissolve into conversation about their company.

You go back to setting the table, sneaking one small glance at Joel in his jeans and flannel. That fucking dream is making your body thrum in a mixture of anxiety and heavy, heavy desire.

A short while later Maria announces that dinner is ready and everyone better get their asses to the table. You take the macaroni salad and bring it over with you to the table. Maria has prepared everything so beautifully. Maria and Tommy take a seat next to one another, leaving Joel to take the empty chair next to you.

For some reason this throws you. You had just assumed you’d be sitting across from him. It makes the most sense. Fuck Maria and Tommy and their insatiable need to touch at all times! Even now Tommy has his arm on the back of Maria’s chair, petting her hair as she talks about the ingredients she used.

You don’t hear anything. After that stupid fucking dream all you can do is focus on the man to your left. The man with the strong profile and broad shoulders. The man that brushes your arm with his as he reaches for the lemonade. You give a small choked ‘thank you’ when he goes to fill your glass before his own.

There’s something in the back of your mind, a little thrill that when you focus on it makes your stomach jump.

Does Joel like you?

No. Its southern manners. Stop being such a fucking idiot.

You still have the flowers he brought you. It’s been weeks and they have shrivelled away to nothing despite your numerous attempts to keep them alive. Maria commented on how dead they were when she came to bring you mail that’s been delivered to her place instead of yours.  

“Oh I totally forgot about them,” you’d told her with a laugh. She’d offered to throw them away for you but you’d waved her off, telling her that you’d get to it.  

You didn’t. They’re still there in the vase.

The conversation is flowing amongst you all, the wine is delicious and Maria’s cooking is just as good as it’s always been. It’s when the beer and second bottle of wine is opened that things go off the rails.

The topic of music is brought up. Such an innocuous topic. This leads into bands and singers and unfortunately into a part of your past that you don’t like to linger on.

“I miss going to see the band,” Maria muses over her wine, her face in a pout. “Tommy you would’ve loved it. Totally your style.”

“Oh yeah?” Tommy asks, and then as if that prompted a memory he turns to you. “You dated that musician, right?”

You can feel dual eyes on you, and you know that one pair belongs to Joel.

“Uh yeah,” you nod. “Paul. We were in a band together for a few years.”

Joel is twisting his fork in his fingers, betraying a level of discomfort with this topic. You wonder what it is that makes him so uneasy and you realize it’s the knowledge that the topic may turn to him and Michelle.

“You were in a band?” Joel’s voice is genuine in its surprise from beside you. You glance up with a nod.

“Yeah. Nothing fancy or anything. Just me, Paul and our friend Jack.  Playing coffee shops, some bars, just for fun and a bit of scratch.”

“They were amazing,” Maria interrupts, knowing that you’d never brag about yourself. “She sings like a fucking angel.”

You wave the compliment off, terrified that she or Tommy are going to start chanting at you to sing. You don’t want to. You don’t sing in front of people anymore… you haven’t since you and Paul ended things.

Joel speaks in a slow rasp, his eyes still on his food. “Why’d you stop?”

“Well, technically Paul and Jack didn’t. They wanted to make it our job, go on tour, that sort of thing.”

“You never wanted to?”

“’Course I did,” you laugh. “And if I were in my early twenties maybe I would have gone. But I’m not a kid anymore. I wanted a future. A stable one… A life I could relax into.”

“A life you could relax into,” Joel repeats this in a murmur, as if the concept is new to him. “Huh.”

“So that’s why you and Paul split?” Tommy interjects, his own interest peaked.

“Yep. Never been super lucky in the dating pool,” you joke, feeling your chest flushing.

You know Tommy isn’t being rude, he’s just open and blunt. Maria however is searching your face, trying to gauge if you’re okay.

“This chicken is fucking delicious if I do say so myself,” she announces when you can’t meet her eyes. “And I do say so myself.”

You’re incredibly thankful for the diversion and you shoot her a grateful look. She responds with a sly wink. Joel makes a sound of agreement, chewing quietly.

“It’s so good I think I’ll have five more,” you announce, digging in for seconds. The group laughs at this, dissolving into conversation about the meal.

"Oh I almost forgot, that Chelsea chick from the new project keeps asking about you Joel," Tommy tells his brother after a pull from his beer bottle. “The blonde one. Was asking me if you’re single.”

He and Maria shoot an eager grin at Joel. Quiet, reserved Joel who stiffens across from you. Immediately you sober, turning your attention back to your dinner. You don’t know why but the thought of babysitting while Joel goes off with another ‘chick’ doesn’t sit well with you.

"Oh yeah?" Joel says uncomfortably. You feel his eyes slide to you and then back to his plate.

Why do you care who Joel Miller dates? None of your business…But does Chelsea know about Sarah? If she does, is she aware that she’s entering into a family, not just a relationship?

Stop. None of your business.

“I figure you’re dipping your toe back in the dating pool as it were,” Tommy says with a teasing smile. “So I told her you were single and lookin’.”

You watch Joel drop his fork to his plate in irritation. He’s fixing his younger brother with a burning scowl. “Why would you do that, Tommy?”

“But you went on that date with the girl from the Bison-“ Tommy defends, the humor drained from his face.

“And she was dumber n’ a pile a bricks.” Joel is sullen now, his mouth in a firm line. “Made me realize I have no intention of dating. Waste a’ time.”

You feel like you’ve been slapped.

Waste of time.

Wasn’t that what he had said the first time you met? That the date was a waste of time?

You’re so fucking dumb thinking Joel had the hots for you. That stupid dream has you all mixed up. You swallow the chicken in your mouth, but it’s tasteless now and goes down like thick oatmeal.

“Okay new topic,” Maria announces, seeing the animosity building between the brothers.

But it’s too late; you can feel the rest of the night is spoiled. Joel is nothing if not a grudge-holder and Tommy is nothing if not stubborn. Between the two of them the rest of the dinner is spent in tension-filled silence punctuated by you or Maria talking about the weekend ahead.

Joel doesn’t even stay for dessert.

///

"Hey, I just saw an ad in the paper. The reptile sanctuary is doing a weekend centered on exotic toads and frogs."

"Who is this?"

"I'm supposed to believe more than one woman is contacting you to tell you about exotic toad exhibits?"

You smile when you hear Joel's quiet chuckle on the other end of the phone. 

"I wanted to know if I could come grab Sarah Saturday and take her," you say tentatively. You've never taken Sarah anywhere by yourself. "Soon as I get your go ahead I'm gonna get tickets." 

The sanctuary is small and specialized exhibitions like this are few and far between. It's a unique event and you know tickets will be going fast. 

"That's really nice of you," Joel hedges. You can hear the hesitancy in his voice.

"I wouldn't take her for too long," you promise. "I'd have her back before dinner."

"It's not that," Joel says in a way that comforts you. "It's just I already got her tickets for Sunday before they all sold out. I read the paper too if you can believe it."

Of course Joel would have already gotten her tickets. He's a great dad.

"Oh," you try not to sound deflated. You'd actually been looking forward to taking Sarah. Things were always so much more magical when seen through the eyes of a child. Especially a child who loves animals as much as you do. 

You go to say goodbye but Joel is still talking. 

"But I got three tickets," Joel continues. "Because Sarah insisted that her favorite babysitter would want to come."

Your face immediately breaks into a wide smile. A warmth that you cannot name or place spreads through your body. 

"Well if Tommy isn't free, I'll happily take his ticket."

////

Joel didn't realize he was nervous until he saw you. 

He'd gotten Sarah ready that Sunday morning, cooking her favorite banana pancakes, brushing her hair into a braid with a purple bow, helping her into her polka dotted shoes.

He'd buckled her into the car seat in the truck and sung along with her to an old song on the radio before he stopped for a coffee and a hot chocolate.

"You think your favorite person will want a drink too?" Joel had asked his daughter who nodded emphatically. He'd added a mocha to the order smiling softly to himself. 

And not at one point had he been nervous.

If anything he'd been grateful Sarah would have someone else to gush about toads with. Joel wasn’t a stupid man by any stretch, but his knowledge was not in the wheelhouse of lizards and geckos and other things that crept and crawled.

You'd said you'd meet them at the gate of the sanctuary today so that's where he and Sarah currently stand. 

Joel sips his own coffee slowly, thankful for the beverage after his sleepless night. He hasn't been sleeping well.  

Sarah is holding your coffee in both of her small hands, looking around the crowded space for you. She wants to be the one to give you the drink personally. Sarah is besotted with you, she thinks that everything about you is worthy of remark. From what you do for a living ("she plays with doggies!") To the way you wear your hair ("isn't it pretty, Daddy?")

Joel thinks it's because you don't really talk to her like she's a kid. You're sweet, but you don't talk down to her. Joel also thinks it's because you're the first constant female presence in her life. That actually hurts Joel because he can't always give her that. You're a welcome surprise in that regard. 

He's told himself for weeks now that this is why he likes seeing you, likes having you around. You make his daughter happy. Plus you're funny and you just care about everything so fucking much. People, animals, the environment. How can one person have that kind of capacity for care? 

"There she is!"

At Sarah's squeaky voice he glanced up and sees you weaving through the crowd. All at once feels his heart lurch at the sight. Nerves he hadn't anticipated creep up along his body, causing him to inhale sharply. 

He watches you, your eyes searching for he and Sarah through the throngs of people. Then he sees it, the minute your eyes land on Sarah and then move to him. Goosebumps break out all over his body the second you shine your smile in their direction. 

Has your smile always looked like that? So warm? So... luminous?

"She's here!" 

Joel hears his daughter shriek excitedly from beside him. He nods, unable to speak. Instead he's fixated on you, watching you move through the groups of people, whispering breathless 'sorry's' as you bump into them in your pursuit to get to Sarah faster. 

It's like you’re spotlighted, colorful amongst the drab crowd. He watches your hair fan out behind you as you jog towards them, the sparkle in your eyes as you grin at them. He's ashamed that he also notices the way your breasts bounce under your light jacket as you rush over. 

"Hey bug," you say once you reach her, dropping to a knee despite the dirty cement. Sarah holds out the coffee to you and Joel watches you take it with a smile. 

"You got me a coffee?" you say as you take a sip, giving an exaggerated sound of delight. "Delicious. Did you drive here too?"

Sarah giggles as you take one of her tiny hands in yours. "Daddy bought it."

You turn your eyes on Joel and he feels his breath leaving him again. "Thanks, what do I owe you?" 

"My treat," Joel rumbles, feeling strangely light headed.

"You already paid for the tickets," you say with a frown followed by a thoughtful look. "Guess I'll just have to treat you both to lunch."

Before Joel can insist otherwise you've started leading Sarah to the entrance of the sanctuary. Joel hands over the tickets and the three of you enter. 

"Sorry I was late," you say over your shoulder as your hands are stamped with little frog images. "First bus was so slow. This mocha is so good, though. Thanks."

Joel feels strangely compelled to keep talking to you, but your attention is already back on his daughter.

"The last time I was here they had a blue gecko," you tell Sarah as you walk hand in hand with her through the cobbled pathways. "It had just had babies."

"Really?" Sarah's voice is tinged with awe. Joel can't stop marvelling at how you bring that out in her. Sarah is normally the one spouting facts, wowing everyone with her acumen. But with you she hangs on every word. 

The rest of the day is spent much the same. Joel trailing behind you and Sarah watching as you engage his daughter. He doesn’t admit it to himself, but he wonders if people passing you by think you’re a family. It feels like that today. He doesn’t let his mind stay there for long. It’s a painful place to rest.

At one point you bump against him to double back and show Sarah a snail you'd overlooked. Joel had been standing close behind you, maybe too close. You bumped into him, your hand flying to his bicep to steady yourself.

"Sorry," you smiled, your hand moving to his forearm before your attention is drawn to the terrarium behind Joel and you began launching into a small lesson on burgundy snails.  Sarah asks lots of questions and distracted, you continue to hold onto Joel’s forearm.

He doesn't shake you off. 

You smell good. Whatever shampoo you use and he after a moment's consideration be decided you must wear perfume. Something deep and rich. He wants to lean forward and press his nose to your neck to decipher every note.

You must realize eventually that you're still gripping him and you pull back, telling Sarah that there's more up ahead to see. Joel immediately misses the contact, but he doesn’t admit that to himself.

Lunch is at the small cafe they have inside the sanctuary. A place with overpriced food given ridiculous reptile themed names. Joel immediately groans and you immediately laugh. You love the silly, unnecessary touches.

Joel gets the "snake pit" (a burger with spicy mayonnaise). Sarah gets a children's "snapping turtle and bug juice" (hot dog and iced tea) and you get the "leaping lizard" (chili fries) with a coke. 

Joel tries to pay, extending his credit card toward the cashier when he feels your hand land on his. Its soft and warm and his eyes blow wide when he darts them to you.

"Nice try," you say with a smirk. "I told you I'm paying for lunch."

Joel smiles weakly, but his focus is on the warmth of your hand as it gently nudges his away. 

As the afternoon comes to a close, Joel offers to drive you home afterwards but you have a scouting meeting with Alex along a familiar bus route. 

Alex? Who the fuck is Alex? As if that James asshole wasn't bad enough?

For some reason this upsets Joel in a way that feels territorial. He wants to ask follow up questions, to see why you and this guy Alex are getting together on a weekend if you're just co-workers, but he knows it would be out of place.

You two don't talk about things like that. 

"Is Alex your boyfriend?" Sarah asks bluntly. She's frowning up at you as Joel inwardly congratulates his daughter’s tenacity. 

"God no," you laugh as if the idea is ridiculous. "No. Alex is a new girl I work with. She just got hired this week. She’s not familiar with this part of Texas so I’m showing her around."

Joel feels a wry smile tug at his lips but he hides it by rubbing at his mouth.

"Thanks for coming today," Joel says, his hand placed on the top of Sarah's head. "I know Sarah wouldn't have had half as much fun with her boring ol' dad."

"I really enjoyed the exhibit," you answer with what sounds like honesty. "Plus I got to hang out with my favorite girl."

You drop your voice to a conspiratorial whisper and lean towards a beaming Sarah. 

"Just don't tell Maria, She'll get jealous."

Minutes later Joel and Sarah are waving goodbye as you load onto the bus. As it pulls off the curb and Joel watches it lumber away, he's struck with the realization that he doesn't have to pretend to enjoy your company anymore.

He just does. 

///

"You busy?”

It takes you a moment to register that it's Joel on the other end of the phone. "Huh?" 

"Are you busy?" Joel's voice sounds amused as he repeats himself.

“No,” you respond breathlessly. Why is Joel calling you? Why is he asking you if you’re busy? The memory of that lusty dream goes into overdrive. “Why?”

"I wanted to run an idea past you that I had. About your work and uh, maybe Sarah and I could take you to dinner tonight so we can talk about it?"

This surprises you but you agree to meet at six in the front yard. You hear his truck rumbling up in the distance and you smile at the familiar sound. You can see Sarah waving wildly from the back car seat. You return the wave laughing at her enthusiasm. 

Joel parks and gets out, coming around to your side as you put a hand on the handle. You give him a quizzical look as he reaches for your door handle and juggles it before pulling it open. 

"It sticks," he reminds you as he holds it open for you.

Oh, you remember.

You nod, pulling yourself up into the cab and saying hello to Sarah.  You can see that she’s dressed up for this, her hair in tight plaits and wearing a shiny purple dress.

“You look like a princess,” you tell her in awe. “I feel under dressed.”

“You look gr-,” Joel starts before faltering. “It’s not a fancy place or anything. Sarah just wanted to dress up.”

“So where are we going? Not the Italian place I hope," you say hiding a smirk by facing out the window. Joel chuckles loudly, a rich sound that feels good in your ears. It’s funny to imagine how so few months ago you couldn’t stand him and now you’re willingly going to dinner with he and his daughter.

It's a chain restaurant, one of those BBQ style places that still gives kids coloring pages and crayons to entertain themselves.

The silly crush is fading from you. You know it was just a culmination of stress and the way Joel was so kind to you. You know it was just a momentary infatuation and you’re so thankful you didn’t do something stupid.

You slide into the booth smiling when Sarah climbs up after you, settling herself into the plastic booster seat the server brings out so she can reach the table. 

"You good?" Joel asks, wondering if you're okay being squashed between the wall and his kid. He feels guilty, like his daughter should be choosing him to sit next to and not you.

"Of course," you answer honestly.  Even if you do look like an animal caught in a cage. This concept reminds you of your first awful blind date.

“When do you go hunting?”

"Huh?"

"When do you go hunting?"  you repeat. “I realize I’ve never heard you mention it since that first night.  And there’s no carcasses hanging around your house, thank God. I’m surprised because most people that-”

Joel blinks at you before you see realization cross it. A guilty looking smile crosses his features. 

"You don't hunt," you say slowly. Joel shakes his head, smirking guiltily. "Why did you say you did?"

He shrugs, caught, chuckling lowly to himself. "Wanted to piss you off, I think."

You laugh loudly at this, recalling how awful that first meeting was. Sarah glances up at you two before going back to her coloring. 

"And now?" you tease when the laughter subsides. "You still wanna piss me off?"

Joel sobers, the smile turning wistful as he shakes his head. "Nah."

"Good," you say resolutely. 

You both watch Sarah color in silence before you feel Joel’s eyes slip back to you.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Why were you so mad that day?" Joel leans forward in his seat. "I mean, now I know you it doesn't seem like you're a 'scream at stranger in their car' kinda person."

Joel has a way of looking at you that makes you feel pinned.

"You never know, Joel. I'm a woman of many layers," you joke, trepidation seeping into your voice. Joel seems to sense this unease because he leans back and the topic is put to the side. 

"So the reason I brought you to dinner is I wanted to run an idea past you. One that’s mutually beneficial."

You take a sip of water through the straw and raise an eyebrow in question.

“I know there’s nothing left in your budget for kennels, and I also know that you won’t let me pay you for sittin’ Sarah. So I’m thinking of an exchange of trade.”

“No way,” you shake your head, knowing immediately what he’s offering. “That’s way too much to ask of you. The cost of supplies alone-”

"I got heaps of extra lumber and supplies,” Joel interrupts, seeing that you’re trying to come up with excuses. “You need kennels; I need a good sitter for Sarah. You won't let me pay you and I feel weird about it, like I'm takin' advantage of you."

"You're not," you insist. 

"Still," Joel frowns. "Can y- Will you just think about it?" 

You nod and the topic is dropped as a server returns to your table. The food arrives warm and smelling delicious. BBQ ribs are one of your favorites and the cornbread melts in your mouth.

You watch as Joel takes Sarah's meal and cuts it into tiny pieces. As he does this he smiles at his daughter, listening to her talk about Toad and how he likes chocolate milk just like her.

Neither of you are expecting what she says next. 

"Did my Mommy like toads?" 

A strange look comes over Joel at that, his dark eyes fixed on Sarah's face. You see his shoulders are tensing even when he exhales sharply. You wait for the storm, the silence, the refusal of acknowledgement. It's strange how Joel's face can go from looking so hard to so sorrowful. It's in the eyebrows, you think. Or perhaps the way he holds his mouth.

But then he goes back to cutting her burger, keeping his tone light. 

"Dunno if she likes toads, but your Mama actually had a pet turtle growing up.” There's a tension in his mouth after he says it. 

Wait, did he just willingly bring up Michelle?

You sneak a glance over at Sarah. Her tiny hand is around her crayon but she's not drawing. She's staring up at her dad with eyes like saucers. 

"Really?" 

Joel is smiling serenely at her now, the tension slowly fading from his body. You watch enraptured as those same dark eyes go from concerned to warm. 

"Yeah. She had one as a pet when she was a kid. S’name was… Donatello, I think."

It's as if Sarah knows that this is a huge moment. That if she presses too much her dad is gonna be just like a Donatello and slip back into his shell. So she smiles her secret smile and goes back to coloring. Joel goes back to his sandwich and you feel your heart burst in pride for this small step.

"Okay," you relent with a smile. "I'd like to do the kennels-babysitting trade.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“It’ll take a couple months,” Joel explains. “I’ll have it done by December, if that’s okay? Got a lot of other projects taking priority, otherwise I’d knock it out in a few weeks.”

“You take as long as you want,” you enthuse with a beam. “If it means I get my kennels I will happily babysit Sarah until she goes to college.”

Joel laughs at that and you join right along when Sarah shoots a look at you and asks: “What’s college?”

The three of you continue to laugh and chat over your meal. Sarah asks you to color with her and you can’t refuse her anything so of course you join in. Joel watches you two over his water glass, his eyes slipping over your smiling face.

At one point you glance up at him with worry furrowing your brows. 

“You’re sure it isn’t too much doing the kennels for me? It feels like a big imposition, Joel.”

“We’re friends right? Friends do this sorta thing for each other.”

You relax into the booth at this smiling and nodding at him.

Joel Miller is your friend.

#joel miller fanfiction #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #fanfic #fanfiction #dad joel miller #joel miller #pedro pascal

[cobaltswriting]

Character Essay: Snape

So, there are some characters that I have feelings about. Like, that I can see what the author was trying to do with them, but I also just... think they failed.

Unsurprisingly, two of these characters have to do with Harry Potter. Severus Snape, and Albus Dumbledore.

Yes, I know, J.K. Rowling is a terrible person and a TERF. But this is still something I wanna write about. And this is my blog. So... yeah. The Albus Dumbledore post might come later.

So, Severus Snape.

I’m gonna break this down into 3 big issues I have with the character. Which does definitely call into question the way Snape was written. And I'll even put it under a read more so any people who are pro-Snape for whatever reason don't have to read any further.

And yeah, this isn't going to be nice to Snape. Like, I've said it before, and I'll say it again, Albus Severus Potter should have been named Rubeus Remus. It is actually kind of a crime that he never named a child for Hagrid, considering Hagrid was literally the first person who was nice to him and introduced him to the Wizarding World. But I digress, let's get to the main subject of this essay.

1. Treatment of Students

We know why Snape treats Harry like shit. It doesn't make it ok, but I wanna talk about other students. Disregarding the favouritism towards his own house, we already come across a huge problem, that is also a problem with Dumbledore as well...

Snape's an abusive teacher.

Even if we disregard Snape's treatment of Harry, we have how he treats students like Neville, and insults leveled at students not within his house. Even the best Hermione, who is basically as close to a perfect student as we get, is simply ignored and passed over without a comment, and Neville... Hoo boy.

Like, I don't know the specific guidelines teachers are given that they're not allowed to cross, but Snape breaks almost all of them. Insults and abuse are hurled towards Neville constantly, even when he's in other classes, like him insulting Neville right in front of Lupin. And while I do like Lupin... Lupin just smiles at it. Nothing ever happens. Snape apparently never even gets told off about abusing his students. Hell, he yells at Hermione and Harry in front of the Minister for Magic in the 3rd book, and Fudge, while surprised, does nothing about it other than trying to calm Snape down.

Like, is abuse just... not a thing in the Wizarding World? This comes up in my thoughts about Dumbledore as well, beyond this, but...

If Snape was a teacher anywhere else, he would have been fired. Like, immediately. But he's just allowed to do so. Like, the closest thing to punishment he gets is that he's not allowed to teach Defence of the Dark arts until Harry's 6th year.

And just so we know this isn't the norm, let's look at another teacher... Minerva McGonagall.

She is the head of Gryffindor House (although I still think she should be a Ravenclaw. As should Hermione. BUT ANYWAY) but she does not favour her house. Excluding Quidditch, in which she supports her House's team, but that's a different thing, that's fine. Whereas Snape has probably never taken so much as a single point from Slytherin, she was responsible for the largest amount of points taken from Harry at one time, if I'm right. If not the largest amount, certainly the largest amount of points taken in the first book. She is also strict, but is also shown to be fair, and will compliment a student and praise them if they do well. She praises Hermione in their first class, because while Hermione did not entirely succeed, she did show godd progress for her first try. And while we do not see her compliment a student from another House, it can be assumed that it does happen.

This is how a teacher SHOULD be. They are there to nurture students, teach them, not abuse them and play favourites.

There are other teachers in Hogwarts, but Snape is the main one who abuses them. A case could be made for Barty Crouch (disguised as Mad-Eye Moody) abusing them, by putting them under the Imperius Curse) but considering he was a Death Eater, and was apparently doing it because Dumbledore wanted him to, we'll just... ignore him. I don't think it's too far from what Moody would actually do, although I don't like to think of Moody as abusive.

But yeah, Snape is very abusive of his students, to the point that the most positive thing he can really do towards a student that isn't from Slytherin is ignore them or say nothing. And abuse is a really fucking bad thing, in case you didn't know.

Let's move onto the next topic...

2. His 'love' of Lily Evans

Yeah, I put the love in quotation marks. Mainly because it... doesn't really read that much like love to me. I am aromantic, so that might have SOMETHING to do with it, but...

It just comes off more as a creepy sort of obsession than anything else. An obsession deep enough for him to have a doe as a patronus.

Like... let's start from the beginning. The first time we see Snape and Lily, Snape is spying on her and it's implied that he's been doing so for a little bit. Even though they're just kids, I'm pretty sure that counts as stalking. And then he makes a branch fall on Petunia when she insults them, which could have seriously injured her, depending on the size of the branch and where it hit her. It was enough to make Petunia cry at the least when it hit her shoulder.

Snape also encouraged Lily to steal letters from her sister and read them, when they found out that Petunia had written to Hogwarts. Although I guess that doesn't really come into the subject of his 'love' for Lily.

We also see that Snape is very... racist, I guess? Does the whole blood thing count as racist? Calling Lily a Mudblood, and then when he tries to apologise he can't even deny that if it was anyone but her, he would not apologise for it. So basically having different rules for her, which I guess could come into a love thing but the fact that he calls muggleborns Mudblood and yet 'loves' one comes out as... kinda fetishistic to me, I'm not gonna lie.

In the books we also have him desperate to protect her from Voldemort, crying when she's dead... And yet despite that, he is horribly abusive to her son, just because he looks like his father. And yet he does say that he wants to keep him safe, angry at Dumbledore when he finds out they've basically been raising him like a lamb to the slaughter. So apparently he's fine with possibly mentally scarring Harry, but killing him? Oh, that's just totally unforgivable!

You can point out various things across the books that Snape has done for Harry, but that doesn't change the fact that Snape is INCREDIBLY abusive to Harry, even moreso than he is to other students.

And then we have him taking part of Lily's letter, just because it had her signiture, and part of the photo that showed her in it, which just... always struck me as creepy. Stalker-ish. I dunno how to explain it any better than that.

And then, we have absolutely the creepiest part... him wanting Harry to look at him as he dies. Just so he can pretend that he's looking into Lily's eyes, probably. Which... yeah, that's just super creepy.

Like, I honestly cannot see it as romance at all. It just comes off as Snape having an obsession. It's even worse in the movies where he is shown cradling Lily's dead body against him and crying. Which normally wouldn't be that bad but with everything else on top of that... yeah.

This does bring us onto the last subject...

3. Snape's 'Redemption'

Snape's redemption is supposed to happen after his death. Here's the problem... he's one of the main examples about why J.K. is very poor when it comes to redeeming characters. Like, Draco could have been set up for a redemption, but he wasn't, as were his parents. Snape was set up for a redemption... and J.K. seems to think it was enough?

So, the main thing that is supposed to redeem Snape, that is meant to make us think he's ok... is showing us his past with Lily, and various discussions with Dumbledore. The whole sequence is for exposition and to try and make us think Snape is a good guy because he 'loved' Lily, and that was his motivation for everything good he did. Which, again, comes off as pretty obsessive.

Here's the thing though...

Snape abused Harry for 6 years of his life. He made Draco set a snake on him in his second year. He repeatedly broke into Harry's mind which seemed to end up having the opposite effect that Dumbledore wanted. Dumbledore even basically admits as much, saying that Snape was a poor choice for it, that he had hoped Snape would be able to see past his hatred of Harry's father. He refused to listen to anyone when it came to Sirius, refusing the possibility that Sirius might be innocent (until Dumbledore talked to him about it, probably), outed a colleague as a werewolf, which, considering the allergory J.K. was aiming for, was like outing a gay man, and made him resign from his job because he knew student's parents would be writing in to complain about it, so it essentially cost Lupin a job, which as we know, is already something that werewolves had problems with.

I do have issues with J.K.'s allergory of werewolves as homosexuals... but let's just say that one of the most notable werewolves, after Remus, was known for attacking and 'turning' children and leave it at that. It's not relevant to the topic at hand anyway.

Showing us that Snape did some things right, and that he 'loved' Lily... like, let's pretend that he did love Lily for a moment, and that it wasn't a creepy obsession.

... That still doesn't excuse the shit he did. It doesn't excuse the abuse at all. It doesn't redeem him from being a Death Eater. His only reason for wanting to save the Potter family was Lily.

Saving Harry's life in the first year by countering Quirrell's curse, and then acting as referee in the next match to protect Harry? That doesn't redeem the abuse that he inflicted upon Harry in the first year, let alone the rest of it.

Let's assume he had the best intentions in Prisoner of Azkaban, and he was interested in rescuing Harry, Ron and Hermione from Sirius. Although that is a HUGE assumption, all things considered... still doesn't redeem him.

Checking that Sirius was indeed at headquarters and then alerting them that Harry had gone to the Department of Mysteries to try and save Sirius when Sirius wasn't even there? Still doesn't redeem him.

None of the good things Snape does redeems him for the abuse he inflicted upon his students and especially Harry and Neville, and his love for Lily reads more like a creepy obsession.

J.K. tried to redeem Snape... and absolutely failed. Sometimes when you write a character, you need more than a single chapter to redeem them.

I'm not even sure if Snape was redeemable at all. Abusing children is a pretty fucking terrible thing. And I don't think it's even me being biased for being abused by a teacher, it's just unacceptable.

#anti snape #anti severus snape #Harry Potter #character essay

[csphire]

So... Frazer the voice actor to Dammon doesn't want Tav or the Dark Urge to romance his character? Well, shit.

It's late, I'm tired and should be in bed, just saw the letter from Dammon from patch 5, and yeah I'm a little weepy now. So excuse any typos.

Fair warning: Just some venting below but no major spoilers.

Update: I've got a better understanding of where Frazer is coming from and a better solution suggestion is 👉here.

But feel free to read this slightly saltier 🧂post. lol

So wait... Frazer doesn't want more work? Why? I mean true, I don't really see Dammon getting along well with a Dark Urge or a Tav Murder Hobo type, but a majority of Dammon's fandom we genuinely adore him and Karlach. And, I'd like to think, most of us just love options. We want to romance him with Karlach and a player character of our own design too.

Would I romance him on every playthrough? Maybe or maybe not. But I do know it will be at least once as Karlach. (I'm on two immunosuppressants. I don't-can't get out much. I can sooo relate to her being touched-starved stuff. I cuss just as much as her too-if not more.) I've got no problem playing as her but again most of us want more options. So what's the problem?

For her, the devs could even put in a few special lines that are unique to their romance. Hells, I would romance them both all the way through the game with Tav if I could so nobody was feeling left out.

Respectfully, I don't understand what Frazer's hang-up is at all. But it feels like a slap in the face when Dammon has become a comfort character to so many of us. We're cheering him on and we're trying to drum up interest to get Frazer a bigger part.

We do this because some of us have a lot of shitty real-life stuff going on, and BG3 has become our escape. And, unlike every romance option we have so far, Dammon doesn't bring us big drama or a lot of demands to the table. Even as just a merchant, he somehow feels... just there for us... supportive. He's not just a pretty face to us, we seriously want to get to know Dammon just a little more! We want him to evolve and grow. We want to know what's his baggage. At this point many of us would settle for him to be just NPC we can romance-not a fling mind you. A full romance like what we see in Dragon Age Inquisition with Cullen or Josephine.

But wouldn't it be cool if we could get him as a full companion? One that could perhaps be an Artificer in a DLC that would introduce that class to the player too?

Even now, when my Tav visits him each day to sell their things, I forget for a little while all the crushing pressure on my play character's shoulders for a few minutes.

In early access, overhearing him grumble about wanting better tools had me roleplaying to collect every tool I could find. A little silly minnie quest. Giving him hammers, and other blacksmith-related stuff, for free taught me how to raise my relationship with a merchant and get a better discount.

Perhaps his simplicity or just his kindness is his appeal. Perhaps don't give him too much baggage if you flesh him out more please.

But how do we get around this Larian, if Frazer won't budge?

Hate to suggest this but consider, Dammon has a twin brother, a nearly identical one. Maybe he has more scars, a different hairstyle, have fun with his design. Oh, maybe he never takes his enchanted armor off, and we have to go into the relationship a bit blind with no idea what he looks like under it all at first. He finally takes his helmet off and seeing Dammon's face we're a little confused. Trust me, we will suspend our disbelief given magic and dragons, for starters, exist in this world. Dammon having a long-lost twin won't be a huge stretch.

So have the twin, instead of Dammon, drop as one of the stars in a DLC. Have him join our party as a fully fleshed-out, perhaps mysterious, companion featuring the Artificer class and fully romanceable. Finally, the fandom gets what we want, a male tiefling we can romance. Dammon can hammer away at his forge and pine for Karlach all he wants. Frazer can stand by whatever principles that are making him hesitant to take on a larger role, more acclaim, another paycheck, possibly more work, and maybe even a gaming voice acting award.

By all means Larian, please throw all that money and acclaim you would have thrown at him at another voice actor. Let the new guy have it all. Sure we'll still pine a bit over Dammon now and then. But if Frazer doesn't want a larger role, guess we'll have to try and respect that.

If you've got this far, thank you for reading, and feel free to share your thoughts.

#frazer blaxland #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #dammon #I'm sleepy #grumpy too and my filter is gone #I might delete this later #I'm worried it's coming off too mean #I'm just sad #really sad about this #🧂

[variablejabberwocky]

started watching delicious in dungeon/dungeon meishi (sp?). or as i like to call it

~*AUTISM COOKING DUNGEON*~

dear god y'all have undersold this to me. and like i get it. spoilers and all that. but holy shit

our boy isn't like... "tee-hee little-bit of autistic, just a smidge" like you were all making me think. no no. no, this guy is DEEPLY autistic. we're talking "normally we only give THIS much autism to aliens and robots" kind of autism. the "i need an allistic translator for my social fubars" autism (rip your sister dude). the "i learned a thing! so now im not gonna shut up about it for at least an hour" autism.

and they gave this to THE ONE SINGULAR HUMAN IN THE PARTY. this guy is a HUMAN FIGHTER/KNIGHT-type that is like the MOST BORING/NORMIE shit in a d&d style setting. that is "why are you even playing a fantasy game?" level of normie shit.

and THAT is who gets to be The Party Freak(tm)

i love it. completely unironically/unsarcasticly i love it. they took the "that much autism isn't human anymore" bullshit thats so prolific its basically a trope and went NOPE FUCK THAT NOISE

what i find unforgivable though is that none of you mentioned he's a Kronk too.

boy sounds SO SO STUPID but is so so smart when you actually listen to what the fuck he's on about now (and think on why he's on about it right then). he's a big tank (literally in the fantasy class sense) that just wants to help everyone and do his little special interest shit on the side. and it is on the side because the other two seem like they had no idea it was more than trivia until he didn't have to help micromanage a massive party. like this shit has clearly been on repeat in his brain in the background for A WHILE but he was so busy helping/keeping everyone alive it got shoved aside of his outward behavior unless it was useful. he is a lovable dorky himbo and NONE of you mentioned this.

anyway, i'm also loving the way this whole show is basically only like this because him and senshi are vibing on the same wavelength and the other two are basically just along for the ride to save their friend/part member

the whole thing has a Green Eggs and Ham kind of thing going on with it too. but like...environmentalist about it? like it was more subtle about the whole "hey maybe work WITH your current environment rather than against it" bit and then we found out what senshi normally does and subtlety just went right out the fucking window on that front.

i'm also liking the way it both explores the horrors of dying in a world where being brought back to life is common, while also kind of...poking fun at it? like its reminding me of a thing i heard something like "the difference between comedy and tragedy is how far from it you are" kind of concept.

like they are so fucking ... how the fuck do you spell it blase? with the little "/" over the e. that. the story is so bland in how it handles how people came back from horrific deaths and yet when the characters have to face things that remind them of their own it gets heartbreaking very quickly. but like...chillchuck. goddamn. we get just enough from his perspective that its harrowing but the way its shown to us the reader/viewer is like a comedy skit

cause like...its both.

these guys keep dying/nearly dying to THE. SAME. FUCKING. SHIT.

mage elf is slimebait, chillchuck is basically Dungeon Canary with an emphasis on mimics, and himbro over here is gonna get himself killed trying to pet/eat a new monster no one else knows about at some point. probably why his sister seems to have specialized in healing magic.

i know the fandom is thinking once they get his sister back that she's gonna be Just Like Him but i think it would be much funnier AND more 'realistic' if they were classic autism-adhd alliance but siblings about it. like him being better at staying on a task and her being better at navigating social cues and shit. and both of them with their own little special interest energy. i'm betting her's is magic. and thats why even magic elf is like "omg shes so good at magic i'm no where near that level" about it. i mean its also the lesbianism but there IS more to that than thirst from what i've seen.

anyway i'm 6 episodes into what seems to be 12 available on netflix and i'm already hooked. might have to see if i can get my hands on the manga or something too

#autism cooking dungeon #spoilers #just in case #and no i DON'T remember most of their names yet #i am TERRIBLE with names #i'll get there eventually but eh

[redrage71890]

Overwatch GN Genji Yuu! in Twisted Wonderland

So here I am...

This is a Genji GN Yuu bc I really like Genji as a character even if I don't main him in game \(￣︶￣*\))

Genji GN Yuu may be ooc... apologies

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Genji Yuu was simply with the Overwatch team after the fight in Paris.

They excuse themselves to their room which has a mirror hanging up.

And like every AU, Genji Yuu gets sucked into their mirror and is promptly sent off to Twisted Wonderland.

When awoken inside their coffin, they knock down the door with ease using their strength and their shuriken.

Yes, this does scare the shit out of Grim. Running away from Grim was rather easy being able to climb walls and swift strike.

Good thing the hood covered their face, as when they were told that they possess no magic, it did not phase them as they know they don't.

The chaos created by Grim was easy again with the easy dodging of the flame and just using their shuriken to corner Grim so Riddle could collar him.

Crowley: Yuu! Was I not clear that you are expected to take responsibility for your familiar? Now discipline your—

Genji Yuu: Must I remind you that Grim is not mine? I have never seen it in my life."

Upon pulling down their hood, everyone is shocked with the green glow of the visor and the lack of face seen.

Though somehow no one noticed their non-flesh hands and with the shuriken coming out of their wrists and hands.

The patience they have for Grim and the other first years is envied by many at this point, as they are the calmest out of all of them while the others have some kind of chaotic energy (ADeuce, Epel, Grim)

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Even with being 35, they still agreed to become a student as they've said that it didn't hurt to learn about this new world.

With that being said, they follow the rules in class and do keep the first year gang under control with the help of Jack.

Showing everyone respect unless they don't show it back. If that’s the case then be prepared for a world of sarcasm and insults thrown your way.

The whole thing that happened in the cafeteria caused by Grim and the carbonara thing that happened.

Genji Yuu just simply held the boys back and stated “You do not show respect to your underclassman? Hmm, I wonder why we must do the same.”

Yeah. The upperclassmen were kind of pissed at the comment and went to attack them. Which was a mistake on their part as Genji Yuu used one hand to defeat the two with ease.

Genji Yuu: Show some proper etiquette to your underclassmen.

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Course in their free time they either do training or meditation. Jack even volunteered to spar against them to which they are grateful for. Its a different pace for them with their magic.

Gets along with Silver and tolerates Sebek's loud voice as they also train together with them giving pointers to Silver and Sebek.

The two respect Genji Yuu and don't necessarily pry into their life back in their world.

Though Sebek decided to ask them a question.

Sebek: Yuu-sama! I want to ask, what was your family like?

Silver: Sebek! Don't ask such questions out of nowhere!

Silver and Sebek just begin to argue. Until they're stopped by Genji Yuu whacking them in order to stop.

Genji Yuu: I do not mind talking about my family. I only have my brother left with me now, I had met him with him a while ago.

Silver: H-How did things go?

Genji Yuu: I hope I got through to him, our world has changing again.

#twisted wonderland #disney twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland au #twst #twst yuu #twst x yuu #twst au #overwatch au #overwatch #genji

[annyankers]

also hot take (?): but vampires DO have souls. the creation of a vampire in btvs lore is literally that a demonic essence/spirit/spiritual energy (in this instance a vampiric one and not some other kind of demon) enters a human corpse and parasitically latches on, altering the human corpse to better suit it with an initial burst of spooky evil demon magic (which is part of why i never think any lore that says vampire can't do magic makes sense like, how do you think they even function fam?). it then uses the info and identity of the former inhabitant that's all still locked up in those dead synapses to help it acclimate to the new dimension and build a sense of identity. you can argue that the vampire is not your dead friend but what is a person if not their memories and thoughts? all of which the vampire now shares too. so that's a fun little thing to puzzle on in philosophy class.

vampires in the buffy world are pretty explicitly a manufactured creature built of a demonic essence/entity grafted into a human cadaver which merge to make a new species which is why they're so low on the demon hierarchy. they're the most mongrel-y of all the half-breeds. what is the soul if not a spiritual essence that fuels and motivates the body? the metaphysical component that makes the system complete? what is the vampire of not a perversion of the human condition? does it not then stand that the vampire soul is the twisted mirror of the human one?

the thing is that while this is Kinda Common Sense when you sit down and just look at objectively how the vampire is made it's a dangerous concept in universe and we fall pray to believe the same propaganda built to ensnare our characters.

the slayer was made in almost the exact same process as a vampire only with a living subject-- a demonic essence grafted into a human host. there is no magic leash on a slayer, there are no words that can be chanted to bring her to heel, the watchers have to use standard psychological manipulation to control her. a slayer who realizes that she has more in common with vampires on a fundamental level than she does humans (tho not on a moral or motivation level obvs) is very dangerous to their control and to the concept of "slayer as sheepdog" as a whole. conditioning them to see vampires as animals and not sentient humanoid beings with thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams, who have souls that while demonic are no less valid in their existence then any human one is integral to keeping the machine working and keeping your young emotionally/mentally vulnerable weapon from having a nervous breakdown because she just you know, massacred a whole bunch of people. fangy people, but people none the less.

btvs and the watcher council mentality the main btvs cast is tainted by is incredibly human centric, watch even a little of ats and it becomes glaringly obvious. ats is extremely flawed but one of it's strongest points was letting us see the expanded world of demons and non-human culture. the issue is then that buffy and co come off as rabid human-centrists because of how they talk about vampires and demons as a whole. there's a reason tara didn't want them to know she was half demon when she thought that line was true. the scoobies spout anti-demon rhetoric like it's their jobs. the way they treat anya is horrendous and it's because she has the Taint of demon and neurodivergence coding (which is a whole different kettle so).

the continued talk about spike like he's a subhuman while he's either at their mercy or on their side is galling. you cannot be called the good guys and then treat other sentient creatures like animals and vermin to be killed or mocked for your amusement. full stop. you cannot claim a moral high ground and behave like this which is what the scoobies consistently claim. they believe they are in the moral right and have the moral high ground consistently. when in reality they are pretty fucked up and have done repugnant immoral shit multiple times (hello all the various scoobie caused invasions of personal autonomy!). you can be a protagonist and have uh... Dodgey Morals™ (ex. the punisher) but when you claim you are better because you have better morals but also refuse to see the other side as even worthy of being seen as a truly living creature with like feelings and shit now i'm treating you with contempt.

there are people who will say that buffy was the sole victim of the toxicity that is s6 spuffy but if you believe that you also are tacitly agreeing that her belief that spike is an "it", an animal with no bodily autonomy to respect or feelings to hurt or be manipulated is true. and why? because he's a vampire? he has a soul, a demonic soul. he literally would not exist if a metaphysical entity/force hadn't entered william pratt's fucking corpse and make it theirs. this is an inherently repugnant act and even if we all sit down and agree she did nothing else to contribute to this toxicity she still looked another sentient being who she knew had some kind of feelings for her, used his want and his desperation to abuse herself with and spent the entire time considering him as something between cattle and a lamp. i'm sorry but that's wildly fucked up at it's core and if you can't see that i worry for you.

what if she was dating a nice half-bracken guy and she did all that shit to him? if he tried to stop her from turning herself in for a crime she didn't commit and then beat him bloody and called him an it, a thing, not a person, not real? are you still okay with that because he's a demon? are humans the only species in your eyes with the right to personhood in this universe? do you, like buffy and co, prefer to take the words of a group known to manipulate everything and who treat girls like buffy as things themselves over the evidence you see before your eyes on screen and the actions and words of the demons themselves? buffy's actions towards spike from s4 to s6 are repugnant because they're no longer enemies and she's no longer the council's attack dog but she still refuses to give him the basic decency of personhood.

and you can get into all kinds about shit about how vampires are evil and he's done terrible things and i will not respect you for using any of that to try and say it's okay to treat someone who you relay on or are in any kind of relationship with like they're a thing. otherization and depersonification are tools used to make it "okay" to commit atrocities. for every spike who you say it's "okay" to treat like an animal, there's a harmony who isn't really all that bad and happily switches to bagged blood and integrates pretty peacefully into human society when given the chance. and she will get put right next to spike as an animal to be killed because she doesn't matter. using his past actions to deny him the right of personhood is a lazy tactic to divert the discussion and absolve buffy and co of moral failings.

the nazis are also evil, but i will not deny they are people. doesn't mean i wouldn't take the shot if i had one if i was put in that position. it just means i acknowledge i ended a life that probably meant something to someone. and that's my issue with buffy and co. that's my issue with "vampires are soulless" and buffy's treatment of spike in s6 and how people talk about it. regardless of literally anything else either of them did, denying another sentient being the right to be acknowledged as one while still demanding things from them is inherently a core repugnant act. she is willing to use his feelings and body for her advantage but also refuses to respect them as real and just as valid as hers. again, how would you feel if she treated lorne like this? if she demanded things of him but didn't respect his basic right to be seen as a valid sentient being just like her?

in btvs vampires have souls, demons have souls, and they all deserve the basic decency to have that acknowledged. even by the slayer. especially by the slayer frankly since she is also in her own way One Of Them and if she's going to hunt them down and kill them she can at least acknowledge that she ended a life and didn't just flip an off switch. if you can't get with this whole concept of the validity of non-human life in a universe where the MCs humanity is frequently questioned and the Other and Otherism is frequently a theme then i really am not interested in talking to you.

#meta #gOD THIS IS SO MUCH LONGER THAN I'D PLANNED #but i have VERY strong feelings about this #vampires have souls argue with the wall #no cut we die like men

[princess-of-the-corner]

MLP Rewrite AU - Friendship Games (if you haven't done it already)

Okay so I debated on this for a hot minute but like. I /did/ rewrite this once

but there's one thing I want to think about re: rewriting it again.

Which is just how different Sci-Twi is from Twilight. I mentioned this before but while the rest of the Counterparts are pretty indistinguishable from each other, Sci-Twi is the only one who is a whole ass different person. Which makes sense!! It's totally believable that their different upbringings would make them different!

But at the same time, she's just so different from Twilight that it bothers me. And I think my best bet right now is going to be mixing the two. Because if I went full on keeping Twilight's personality in Sci-Twi's situation, she'd derail the plot like 10 times throughout the movie.

Okay as for some rewrite:

Sci-Twi is still quite anti-social, but it's less 'meek and scared' and more closer to the Pony self in Season 1. Where she just does not have time for everyone's bullshit when she can be learning more things! This is exacerbated by the fact that Crystal Prep is full of dicks, so any time VP Cadence tries to get her to branch out and make friends, they're jerks

Spike is a Human in this too, a Freshman while Twi's a Senior. He's better socially on the whole but Crystal Prep isn't really the best place for making friends so he doesn't really have any and tends to stick to Twilight between classes and help her with projects(extra credit points are a bonus!)

Plot is very the same. Twilight's investigating the weird energy signals she's been picking up while somehow everyone from Crystal Prep hasn't heard jack shit about the Magic nonsense going around CHS. The Friendship Games are coming up, and Cinch wants Twilight to compete. To the point of blackmailing her with approving or denying her study program.

Twilight is quite annoyed by this tactic, but isn't too bothered on being able to complete the goal. She's more upset that competing will keep her from investigating the school since she already figured out that the energy signals are coming there, but hopefully she'll still get something. That said she will be mentioning it to Shining and their parents later.

Meanwhile the Rainbooms are dealing with their Magic just kinda happening and not quite figuring out what's causing it.

Yadda yadda, Twilight and Spike show up and is creeped out by everyone seeming to know their names? What the fuck? Though it doesn't take long for all of CHS to find out 'oh, that's Twilight's Human Counterpart and she's at Crystal Prep???'.

Twilight causes issues thanks to her device draining Magic and opening portals. The Rainbooms try to talk to her, but keep getting interrupted by either the Games or just the Shadowbolts thinking that they're starting shit and turning it into a back-and-forth trash talk.

They get some of a chance to talk to Twilight when her and Spike wander off to try and eat their lunch in peace, but Fluttershy is also trying to eat her lunch in the relative peace of being surrounded by local animals.

Fluttershy is nice ofc and asks Twilight why she seems so frustrated, and Twi starts ranting about the energy signals and all that. And Shy's like 'have you..... tried asking anyone? Because we'd all tell you about the whole magical pony counterpart dimension'. And Twi's like 'Why would anyone tell me anything when I'm just a student from a rival school being a nosy fucker and did you say 'magical pony counterpart dimension???'

Fluttershy just kinda smiles and reminds her that, for as many mean people there are, there are plenty of kind ones willing to help wherever they can. She'd be fully willing to answer any of Twilight's questions!

Cue Pony-Up sequence, Twilight's device draining Flutters' Magic, more portals opening, and Spike being temporarily yeeted through before getting pulled back to their world.

Twilight is already panicking because okay oh shit this is not only starting to get very dangerous but holy FUCK who knows what that could've done to Spike is he okay she doesn't want her little brother to get hurt because of her!

Spike says he feels fine, though he was sure something weird was happening. Fluttershy tries to assure them that it's just part of the portal transforming people into their Counterparts, but that isn't most reassuring. Especially when Spike sneezes fire because yep contact with Magic /did/ change him a bit.

Twilight is too panicked to ask any more questions, instead trying to run off somewhere fully alone and have a mini breakdown and try to figure out a way to dismantle the device she has to keep if from doing more dangerous things. Unfortunately she's dragged back into the Games.

She actually does decently well in her part of the triathalon(Twilight may be a nerd, but she had Shining as an older brother. She's not a pushover when it comes to athletic stuff even if it's not her vibe.). But she's still shaking too much from earlier for the archery part. Instead of starting to cry like in canon, she's still low-key crying but about to take off Sour Sweet's head because you are not helping!!

Unfortunately AJ gets there first of like 'Girl shut the FUCK up your teammate's doing decent and you saying untrue shit to hurt her ain't helping!' before trying her best to help Twilight stay grounded in reality enough to make the shot.

This counts as enough truth and honesty to get a pony up, and whoops Magic Drain and Portals! Absolute chaos and danger!

Afterward Twilight tries to both apologize and swallow her pride to ask for help because yeah clearly the others know what's going on. But ofc kicking everything off again by draining Rainbow's Magic and opening more Portals.

Sunset.... doesn't handle this well. Like she was already dealing with the frustration of Magic doing weird shit, she was feeling inferior because 'surely Princess Twilight would've had a handle on this by now but I've made no progress!', her friends have been put in so much danger thanks to this whole thing, and she's low-key projecting with seeing someone so genuinely curious but messing with things they don't understand in ways that have no safety nets for when shit goes wrong.

So she snaps and yells at Twilight about it. Which makes Twilight both sad and frustrated because damn it she's trying and maybe Sunset has a point but also she's panicked enough as it is and doesn't want to hurt anyone else!! So she storms off.

Spike is at least trying to get more answers with less direct frustration.

The next round starts and.... well. Twilight's dealing with Cinch's dishonest blackmail scheme. She's dealing with her classmates turning against her. Both making it clear that they're only using her for what she can give them. The only way to make things right for anyone is to go through with this plan, but she's so scared to hurt someone with it now that she sees the danger she's been putting them in and how unstable it is. The only way to fix this, all of it, is to push through and learn what she can. If she has more knowledge, she can find a solution.

The negative energy around her creates Midnight Sparkle, not a Demon but a Dark Angel. All of her desires magnified, with no care to what may happen. What does she have left here? People who don't give a fuck about her? But there's a whole world of Magic where she can at least learn new things. Give herself some semblance of joy.

Sunset manages to use the Elements as well. Midnight vs. Daydream. Like Canon, Spike manages to call out to Twilight. A reminder that, as bad as thing had gotten, she still has people here who love her. Allowing Daydream to push through with her Magic as well.

An offered hand, a promise that things get better. Friendship given, deep from the heart.

In the aftermath, it's hard for most of Crystal Prep to ignore the obvious lesson. Seeing what their actions turned Twilight into, seeing what CHS' Friendship let Sunset become. It'll take a bit for them to change as well, but.... Twilight gets more proof that asking for help comes through because yeah telling her brother and parents about Cinch's blackmail attempt helped uncover even more of it and at minimum she's getting a forced retirement, allowing Cadence to take over as Principal for now.

Even so, Twilight wants to learn more. Both about Friendship and about Magic and everything inbetween. And it'd be a lot easier for her to do that at CHS. (And they're dragging Spike too lmao)

#mlp rewrites

[miss-atena]

about my last request, could you get Yumi to talk about her family, who comes from a family of spies and assassins and is the current leader, that kind of thing please

This is the first time I ever got requested for a continuation omg dghsgdhsgah!! I'm glad you enjoyed it enough, and I hope you proceed to enjoy this one! (BTW thanks for sending me the stuff of the Yozakura family to read, it really helped me!)

CW: Talks of violence and crimes, low-key bad childhood(?)

Jamil Viper x Yumi Yozakura - Lunchbreak talk

After a restless night for Yumi and Jamil, albeit for different reasons, the sun arose. Grim was especially insistent this morning on going early to class... for some reason. When Yumi arrived, though, it was made obvious. They had a shared class with Jack, and Grim wanted to hide behind him to sleep. With Professor Trein's voice in the background, Yumi made a plan on how to explain everything she needed to Jamil. She would be lying if she said it didn't eat her inside keeping such a big secret from the one she loved the most, but she also was afraid of him avoiding her. Hopefully, he would not do that.

It would be an understatement to say that the rest of the classes were boring. Besides potionology, in which Yumi had a laugh at Jack having to wear a net to not get fur on any recipe, everything was plain. As much as a magical world was interesting, school is still school. But soon, the bell rang, and the last class of the morning was over, which meant the time had come.

Ace and Deuce invited Yumi to sit with them, but she only put Grim sitting with them and told them to not let him break any chandelier again. Grim was not happy to not be with his henchhuman, but Deuce fed him to keep him from causing trouble.

And then... there she was. Sitting by Jamil's side, while he unpacked the food for Kalim, who was happily chatting with other Scarabia students across the table.

"Jamil? I... er... oh shit how do I begin this..." "Is it what we discussed yesterday?" "Yes." "Well, in that case, you can talk at your own pace. I didn't literally mean to talk to me everything, you know?" His tone had the slightest bit of a tease, and he had the faintest of smiles. so faint, in fact, that if you saw him from afar, you wouldn't notice it. "I'm... I'm not a normal girl." "That I already was aware." "Wow, thanks for the comforting affirmations..." Yumi said in a playful banter but continued "I mean, like, not even in my world. I'm not a normal girl, at all." "I would like to think that is a good thing, but from your expressions, I can already tell it is not." "... I'm from a family of spies and assassins"

Jamil choked on his words and had everyone at the table looking at him. Not what he needed, truly.

"what do you mean by that? Why didn't you tell me beforehand?" The boy seemed much more defensive, and way less receptible to whatever she was about to say. "Jamil, please calm down, okay? This was exactly why I didn't want to tell you, or anyone for that matter. I don't... I don't want to be left alone. I don't want people leaving me because of all my family has done, does, and probably will continue to do." after a pause, she muttered in a whispery tone "Especially you..." "... what type of spies and assassins?" "The type that doesn't let bad people crawl into power." "That's why you know how to fight?" "I, um, actually know more than that. That's self-defense, I also know another 4 martial arts. And how to deal with weapons. And know 5 languages. And also-" "Okay, okay, I got it. But... for how long has this been going on?" "I'm from the... uhm... 10th? generation of the family that does this. I'm actually supposed to be the leader, for uhm... how do I explain this... You know how you all have a unique spell? yeah, people in my family also have one. but in each generation, a girl will be born without it, and that girl is supposed to keep the lineage going, and be the leader." "Okay, that is important information but not what I meant. For how long do you know all that stuff?" "my whole life? I guess... I mean, I knew I was gonna be the leader at 8, and have been preparing since then. Y'know... small quantity of poison, to build immunity. physical and mental training... the sorts."

Jamil paused, staring at the girl. It felt... almost familiar. Seeing someone who didn't manage to have a normal life, albeit for different reasons than his. It was a mix of feelings in his chest. He felt like he was not alone in his life experiences, but also sad that Yumi had to go through all that.

The silence was broken by Yumi holding Jamil's hands in hers. A never felt before roughness in them.

"Are you leaving me?" Although it was mean, Jamil didn't help but let a small chuckle leave his lips. "No. I'm not." "What are the love birds talking about? Oh! Will Yumi teach me those cool moves? Hyah, Huah, Psh Pow!" "We already talked about this, Kalim. She will not."

Yumi felt a sense of relief fill her body, as she giggled at the two boys. She felt so happy around Jamil... And she was happy he was not letting whatever her family is or does interfere with what he feels, although she didn't know the true reasoning behind it. That being he felt not alone in what he lived.

Maybe soulmates do exist, even if from another world. And maybe, just maybe, this was the Happily Ever After they deserved.

Hope you enjoyed it! Tried a more slow start and dialogue-heavy, compared to the last one. They complete each other so well, don't they? Have a great Day/Night!

#disney twst #twst #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x oc #jamil viper #jamil x oc #jamil x yumi #twst jamil #marinahavik #thanks for the request! #tena writing

[what-gs-watching]

"If you have to ask, you're streets behind."

Welp. This week on What G's Watching: comfort shows.

Because gang, I got (somewhat surprisingly) laid off yesterday. Internal politics, blah blah blah, a lot crying, a lot of beautiful messages from coworkers, some insomnia, more crying, cleaning random things, turning my airpods up as high as they go and screaming through playlists. You get it. 

So if I thought I was watching everything before, just kidding. It's about to get so much worse. Which means, right now, I need comfort shows.

Today's comfort show highlight? Community. A pure and beautiful masterpiece.

Here's the thing: I watched Community from the beginning. Like, when it started airing weekly on NBC in 2009. From the very first episode. Because I'm ancient. I was a fan of Joel McHale from Talk Soup (oh yeah, we're going back that far) and I would have watched him in anything, so I was down for a show about a community college, hell, I'd even gone to one for a little bit.

But it's so much more than that. It's hilarious and real and way too meta for most people and all of the characters are imperfect and ridiculous and some of the plots are so dumb, but it makes you feel things. 

The overall point of the show was that Jeff was a lawyer who lied about having a bachelor's degree and got caught so he goes Greendale Community College to replace it. He lies about having a spanish study group to hook up with a blonde in his class - Britta - and ends up creating an actual study group with the help of Abed, who I'm not gonna lie, might be my favorite character. 

Group of the usual suspects, right: 

- Jeff is the handsome manipulative one (I'm still not quite sure why Joel McHale is handsome, like, its WEIRD but I'm here for it)

- Britta starts out as a chick in her late 20's who maybe got lost along the way and was trying to clean her life up and then she kind of becomes a caricature of herself later on, but it works

- Shirley's a mom going through a divorce, wanting to start her own business

- Pierce is a rich old guy that's been going to Greendale for years just for something to do (Chevy Chase returning to TV, which sounds great but then it gets weird behind the scenes)

- Abed is sweet and magical and likely on the spectrum (and the best unreliable narrator)

- Troy is a former high school football star that suffered an injury (he's Childish Gambino! Before anyone knew he was Childish Gambino! But he will ALWAYS be Troy to me)

- Annie is young and a perfectionist and a control freak who had a pill addiction that landed her there (Allison Brie becoming Allison Brie)

and it starts out as you would assume it should, but it gets unexpectedly hilarious. And I give that credit to Dan Harmon. For his flaws, Dan Harmon is a tortured genius and I will, and mostly do, watch anything that man is involved in. He puts shit in your face that you never wanted but in a way that makes you laugh out loud and then hurt a little bit, for a while. 

Honestly the charm of the show comes from the fact that it never truly takes itself seriously. Abed relates to the world through media (hi it's me, I'm the problem, it's me) and he insists time and again that they're in a tv show. Episode about everyone turning into Zombies because of tainted food at the Halloween dance? Completely plausible. 'Bottle' episode because Annie lost a pen and she can't fucking take it anymore, someone must have stolen it? Yes. Series-running story about the "Ass Crack Bandit" that drops a quarter on you when you least expect it, resulting in one of the best episodes of the later seasons? 100%. 

Abed deciding that by rolling a dice to see who goes down to get the pizza being delivered, six different timelines are being created? That one will knock you on your fucking ass. And it makes no sense, but it really, really does. 

This show has given me a lot of random things that still rattle around in my brain, even now N rewatches deep. Way back when offices were a thing, I'd once shouted "BOOKS!"when it was particularly quiet and a single engineer stood up across the room and just pointed at me, incredulous. After that he and I didn't stop terrorizing the entire team with random quotes. I still find myself humming 'Daybreak' (IYKYK). Yesterday while I muddled through my feelings I started yelling "I'm high as hell and I'm about to get SHOT!" It's infectious, it gets in your bones.  

The best part of course is the relationships, complicated but sweet and endearing. Troy and Abed form a friendship that makes me sad almost because it's childish and pure for a while and it does (what I think, I'm not an expert though so who knows) a pretty good job of portraying the bond that can come out of accepting someone on the spectrum wholly and fully. 

They build a blanket fort. They pretend to have their own morning tv show (🎶Troy and Abed in the mornnnniiiing 🎶). They dress up in coordinated Halloween costumes. They get obsessed with Inspector Spacetime (we're gonna get to Doctor Who, I promise). They spout off the best random Spanish rap and create 'Baby Boomer Santa'. They invent the Dreamatorium. They pillow fight for hours because they think if they stop, their friendship will end. 

The two of them desperately make you wish you had a friend like that in your early twenties to just get real WEIRD with, because they'd always go along with it and have your back no matter what. I still, very much, want to build a blanket slash pillow fort half as majestic. (Which, maybe I should. I have a fuck ton of time right now.)

Honestly, Community is one of those things I sometimes measure people against. Seen it and loved it? You rank a little bit higher with me. Season 4's your least favorite? it's okay bud, we all agree. You wanna use your name in poorly concocted puns? That's you're i-dean-tity, I'm with it. You found something that's streets ahead? YES. Be my best friend.

I know a lot of people feel a certain way about Friends, like, oh they're the friends everyone wishes they had, but I'm sorry. No. The friends you wish you had are the Greendale Seven. And there's too many moments and too much to go into here, but you need to trust me on that. Because they're all just flawed people trying to do better in a flawed place that manifests a little bit of the mania we all feel. And it lets you feel it, but it always wraps you up safe at the end. Jeff always brings it home with a perfect Winger speech. And sometimes I really wish life was a little bit more like that. Because sometimes we suffer a fucking gas leak year in our existence, sometimes it's like that, and it'd be nice if everyone just shrugged that off, if everyone just accepted the fact that we're all flawed, selfish people is actually a strength. 

At one point in the first season, Abed gets obsessed with "The Cape" (which was a real show, y'all) and he's skulking around in this ridiculous get-up and Jeff yells "That show's gonna last three weeks!" and while Abed runs off he yells "SIX SEASONS AND A MOVIE!"

During the show's run, #sixseasonsandamovie became a mantra, because it was always on the brink of cancellation - season six was revived by Yahoo Stream, which isn't even a thing anymore - and I still think about that when I want something to last. I want #sixseasonsandamovie for everything that I love. I want everything to have that little bit of magic and faith. 

I started my latest rewatch a couple of weeks ago, compelled to seek out the comfort for some reason, my brain trying to tell me something was wrong. My brain had been right. So yesterday I eventually climbed into bed with puffy eyes and I got back into season five. I'm already into the part where the show starts to dismantle a bit (the second half of season 5 and all of 6 are distinctly different but still perfect), and that makes sense for me right this second, it's fitting. Sometimes things fall apart. Sometimes people leave. Sometimes you have to clone yourself in a game of 'the floor is lava' so you can properly say goodbye. 

I'll finish it again in the next couple of days I'm sure, and I'll put it down for a while (until the next time my brain is trying to tell me something). But I'll be thankful I had something to turn to while I attempted to sort myself out. 

Greendale is always the perfect place to sort yourself out. 

#community nbc #troy and abed #what g's watching #six seasons and a movie #streets ahead

[ihopethisendswell]

Uuuuuh you know what, mini bios time.

Zara

16

She/They ( demi girl)

Witch/Magi* ( in training)

Aroace

^ in my head, she hasn't fully realized this yet.

Kinda a grump, keeps to herself most times, but is also a little gremlin.

Always wears a witch hat bc she thinks it looks cool + it holds her stuff ( like her baseball bat)

^ has a baseball bat. No she does not play baseball ( I think she would like it tho)

Wants to learn fireball but it's HARD ( she has a natural affinity to plant n death magic than anything else)

Sees that Bo is tired and tries her best to not cause many problems for him.

Molly

16

She/Her ( cis)

Half - Vampire

Pan

Knew Zara ever since they were babies

Very bubbly and sweet. Very popular at school.

As a half vampire she doesn't need to rely on blood as much as her dad, but does enjoy blood based smoothies.

Doesn't like transforming into her more monstrous bat form cause she thinks she looks ugly :(

( currently) has a Interest in photography!

Grace

16

She/Her ( trans)

Werewolf

Lesbian

Childhood friends with Zara and Molly, though she came a little later.

Number 1 Instigator and Enabler

Still the most level headed of the three. She just likes to have her fun.

Is the class president. Has dreams of actually being someone that can cause change in the world. ( She doesn't want to be an actual president tho)

Is the oldest of 4-5( still figuring it out). Really good big sis, love her sibs ( all of them are adopted btw and are different types of supernatural)

Bo

25

He/Him ( trans)

Null*

Gay

90% of the shit Zara likes is bc of him. Unfortunately that also includes her desire to cast fireball. Minecraft.

Works a shit ton of jobs since their moms are constantly busy with work and thus need to be out of the house. So, essentially, he's Zara's legal guardian.

^ so far I know he works in retail and as a freelance bounty hunter ( being a Null means he doesn't get cursed by cursed items). But he works other jobs too.

T i r e d and incredibly depressed but keeps going for Zara.

Hasn't been in a relationship for years after a very shitty ex. Wants to start again ( with Jarah lmao) but is still nervous.

Genuinely a sweet guy despite his appearance ( tall, muscular, rbf and has tattoos n piercings). He dreams of opening a potion shop, since that's the only way he can do magic without having magic.

Aliyah

25

She/her ( cis)

Human

Bisexual

Has been best friends with Bo since middle school or high school. They've been ride or die ever since.

Number One babysitter when Bo is busy or just needs to fucking crash for the day. She's essentially the girl's big sis.

Family came from a long line of Monster Hunters, but uuuuuuh. Nowadays the supernatural and humans are ( kinda) chill and monster hunting like that is looked down upon. She was still trained to fight but overall she doesn't care.

Is an aspiring journalist, but works at a shitty place. How's bounty hunting with Bo to make sure he doesn't die and relieve stress.

Wants a girlfriend ( or boyfriend) so bad but alas. No luck.

Losing braincells over the bo n jarah thing ( she knows)

Jarah

25

He/Him

WizardWitch/Magi

bisexual

^ I don't think he knows this yet.

A prodigy of magic, was pretty much pushed into magic as soon as his parents realized his potential. He went to an elite school and everything. Pretty much the top of his kind.

He wasn't happy however, no matter how much he tried to convince himself he is. He always loved baking. Meeting Bo and Aliyah actually made him quiet his old job and work at a cafe.

^ his parents were not happy about that. Been strained ever since. Though maybe it was always strained

Constantly has restricted his abilities, out of habit and fear of them. Still offers to teach Zara about magic though.

Feelings for Bo is mutual, but he doesn't realize this for a while. When he does he....kinda panics.

Moving in from that, he loves baking, and is very skilled at mixing magic into it, enchanting flavors and emotions. Everyone loves his sweets :)

*Magi is the general term for magic users in this world. Witch, Wizard, and the like are ultimately just titles, but each has their own history with it.

*A Null is someone who is born with an immunity to magic, but at the cost of not being able to perform it. You cannot become a Null just to be clear. Bo was born as a Null, he never became on, got it? Good.

And yeah that's everything I wanted to share.

#zara and bo

[vacantgodling]

Happy WBW!

🦄 - Does your world have magical beasts? If so, which ones and how many? Have any been domesticated?

🧙 - If your world has magic users, can anyone be use magic or is it something they are born with?

📜 - What things can magic not do in your world?

it’s time to go on a tcol rant god bless :)

so if you want to see my full magic rant, feel free to check out the crash course on how magic works in terrae here (link!)

but otherwise onto your q’s!

🦄 - Does your world have magical beasts? If so, which ones and how many? Have any been domesticated?

terrae has two different subcategories of supernatural creatures: monsters and beasts. monsters are more akin to animals but more savage. they’re extremely unpredictable and ruthless and survive on carnage since they are essentially pure chaos energy or cava. as such they’re unable to be domesticated. they don’t have specific species… yet but i also have been putting off flora & fauna building in tcol forever cuz unfortunately bestiary’s are kind of my least favorite part of worldbuilding LMAO. i have mentioned one species by name in lore writing though, called haroçs and they’re a sort of flying creature ig? my imagination ain’t swell. anyway tho, beasts are similar to monsters except they have ars or the ability to use magic which makes them (1) more deadly and (2) occasionally gives them sentience if they’re extremely powerful. the demon king for instance would be considered a beast. they can control other monsters beneath them and have their own hierarchies with the demon king on top. also unable to be domesticated bc they have free will lol.

🧙 - If your world has magic users, can anyone be use magic or is it something they are born with?

tldr; everyone is born with a certain intrinsic combination of sana, cava, and ars and you need 30% ars to do any kind of magic at all. i think it’s possible to raise your magic potential if you’re under that baseline but you’d have to like. probably pray, eat some weird shit or train very hard. i’ll have to come up with a method or six cuz that’s something interesting to explore. you can’t change ur base sana tho, only how much of it you can access which is necessary for healing magic (so if you have no sana you can’t heal anyone with magic tm) and you can gain more cava by absorbing it from beasts or monsters (which is a base for tenom tm) but Watch Out—

📜 - What things can magic not do in your world?

make you immortal. everything else is fair game. the cool thing about the magic vis specifically is as it’s the magic of the force of will, if you can will it you can do it. it’s the basis for a lot of different guild classes and people can get Very Creative with how they use it. but while even sana can revive the dead under very certain circumstances (and by one specific person thus far in history), it can’t stop people from dying yknow what i mean.

#s: tcol #wbw

[essayofthoughts]

What do you think of comparisons (personality and otherwise) made between Anakin Skywalker and Percy de Rolo? I know in a Talks ep, Liam mentions to Tal that, in a different universe, Percy might have have become a sith were it not for Vex keeping him on a straight line. Do you think Vader is the type of sith he could’ve turned into if he had continued with Orthax?

I can kind of see why this is the vein you went in but I don't think Percy would become Vader as Anakin did. Percy's drive is vengeance, not straightforward power - Anakin specifically sought the power to save Padme - and while Orthax's influence likely would eventually pull Percy towards killing for arbitrary reasons... the slow descent of that is still a different motivation than Anakin's desire to keep loved ones safe and well and then his sheer sunk cost fallacy after having murdered children and losing the wife he was trying to save.

This all said, I do understand how you reached this thought! The slow descent into the dark side of the force, its influence that slowly drags people into it by encouraging their worst and most selfish impulses - it's not unlike what D&D demon possession and influence is meant to be! It is a slow corruption in both cases, and I do think you could probably make an argument for a Star Wars AU where Percy is influenced by a Dark Side Force Ghost or other entity that is Orthax. There's enough weird shit in Star Wars that there's probably something you could make Orthax be to have that influence.

The only stumbling block I'd have with it is that... Percy doesn't seem very magically inclined, and so I'd be doubtful of him having the Force in a Star Wars AU?

Some of you are going to go "Oh, of course not, he hates magic" - but that is very very specifically a result of Orthax's influence. Before the Briarwood Arc, especially in the Kraghammer Arc, Percy makes a number of Arcana rolls, being a nerd, and we know he had a childhood fascination with the Feywild which is an extremely magical place! Percy didn't always hate magic - he just doesn't seem to have any natural knack for it. He gained magic specifically from Orthax, and that is itself part of why he distrusts it and, apart from the sheer utility of Hex, is very hesitant to use the magic he gained. Percy just... doesn't seem to have an innate capacity for magic, despite being of a social class and wealth level where he would have been able to study as a wizard! And so I find it hard to believe he'd have the Force in a Star Wars setting.

That said, again, you could probably find a way to wrangle this - Star Wars has just. So many weird things that there probably is some kind of possessing Force Spirit that'd leave the original person mostly intact while suddenly gifting them Force powers. I would not be surprised. But it would, in my opinion, be a pitfall one would have to address if one wrote such an AU.

All in all, to return to your question, if Percy was in a Star Wars world and was being influenced by a Dark Force entity, I don't think he'd become a Sith like Vader. I actually doubt he'd become a Sith at all, as the Sith have a specific learning structure - master and apprentice - and I can't see Percy bending his pride enough, especially after Professor Anders' betrayal, to become an apprentice like that.

I could, however, see him becoming a Dark Jedi - none of the strictures or learning systems of the Sith, just raw power and corruption to the Dark Side on an individual level.

All in all, I don't think Percy would do well as a Sith and I think his general situation precludes the possibility. I doubt he'd have the Force naturally, I imagine Orthax would be a force entity drawn to Percy after the severe trauma of the massacre, and overall, Percy feels too individual and prideful to be inclined to accept a master - unless that master was Vex, of course.

#vox machina #star wars #percy de rolo #percival de rolo #percy de blorbo #living up to my username #ask #anonymous

[twisted-legacies]

GUESS WHO HAS AN AU IDEA

(Credit to @stupidneko​ for letting me commission them for my brainrot. Thanks Neko, you deserve the world for putting up with to my brainrot request with WAY too much detail.)

Based on @magatsunohana‘s Crowley and Quentin strange father-daughter thing they have going on, I have an AU now.

Quentin becomes the headmaster of Night Raven College AU.

I actually have many different versions of this AU-ranging from Quentin simply takes over Night Raven College when Crowley either dies/retires to teach the new students of Twisted Wonderland in hopes they’ll never experience what she did during her time to Crowley dies in one timeline and Quentin basically gives up her future prospects for the sake of making sure everyone else lives. Take your pick!  

For Quentin this isn’t much of a change in her life- she thinks she already runs the school with what she does (now does she? Great question!)-When she officially takes over NRC, she has a LOT of power over the school itself now. Though, she chooses not to use it unless she has to, similar to Crowley in the main game. 

For one, the torches in the hallways of the school? It’s now a white fire to show Quentin went to Ramshackle. But also, Quentin now basically has access to the Magic Mirror’s powers, as well as the Night Raven College is Quentin’s personal domain, meaning Quentin has ABOLSUTE power over what happens at Night Raven. 

Don’t worry though-Quentin doesn’t abuse her power. 

Quentin’s the kind of nice headmaster whose door is always open to anyone and while she doesn’t have too big of a role in the school itself, Quentin still does her best to make opportunities for students and staff and makes herself as helpful as she can (because as she claims her headmaster WAS NOT that helpful which makes her students wonder if she is the headmaster what the hell Crowley was like). She won’t straight up interrupt class to participate herself, but she will offer extra classes to help the students who need it and is decently reasonable with students (she knew LEONA for goodness’ sake honey her standards for passing are kind low.) Quentin’s the type who’ll crack a joke in the middle of a serious dorm leader meeting to break tension or bring a whole-ass kitchen of food just because she felt it. 

She and Crowley are very similar and yet not. 

Both Quentin and Crowley choose a more hand-off approach to their students instead of being proactive in their student’s life-While Quentin is more proactive than Crowley in that she does her best to make herself available, the two let the students make their own choices and suffer the consequences and only really step in when they have to, or things get serious like an Overblot (which unlike Crowley Quentin will NOT tolarate her students fighting at all.). Quentin chooses to give her students more flexibility and a lot more opportunities to experience new things and more about the world around them compared to Crowley. Quentin probably will be hit up people from the main game to help out her students. Like Quentin will ask Vil or Idia to do shit for her and then the are like “Quentin I can’t-” and then she goes, “hey, remember that ONE time I saved your ass from Trein by letting you copy my homework? Yeah. I’m calling in a favor.” and then everyone’s like “You actually call in favors?!”

If I had to compare her to someone-She’s like Diavolo from Obey Me! Shall We Date? where she’s so nice and soft towards others you wonder how the hell she even is the headmaster in a school full of people who are not nice.  

#[ 𝓘𝓼 𝓢𝓸𝓶𝓮𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓜𝓪𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓻? ] - In Character #[ 𝓦𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓲𝓯. . . ? ] - Alternate Universe

[eye-of-yelough]

sending ask about aeryn

i would give my life for you, kind stranger.

OKAY SO.

Aeryn is my go-to character to play as in fantasy rpgs, basically. atm he’s only in Skyrim, Elden Ring and the Sims, although that one doesn’t. yknow. i mean it doesn’t really count i just made him for fun.

the best way to describe him is “guy who’s love language is acts of service. who falls in love very easily.”

so he joins the dark brotherhood in skyrim and the volcano manor in elden ring. naturally.

(i can’t think of anything specifically to give a content warning for so let’s just say he’s a fucked up little sex freak and i’m gonna be talking about it a little under the cut)

more ⤵️

these posts articulate his Vibe much better than i can. he really just. can’t conceptualise a life that doesn’t involve him devoting himself to a person or a cause. he’s also, as much as he tries to convince himself that he just wants a normal life, completely addicted to chaos and misery. he’s also kind of a hyper-sexual sadomasochist which really makes everything so much more Messy™️

he’s also trans. but he isn’t. but he is. he just never medically (magically? fantasy logic) transitions, makes no attempt to pass, except maybe his voice, which is very rough and nasally, and doesn’t correct people when they get it wrong cos he thinks it’ll get in the way of people wanting to have sex with him 🤷 a slut’s gotta have priorities i guess.

also his way of carrying himself is distinctly not feminine. not really masculine either just. alien. chiana from farscape core. now that i think about it he may be a little based off of her. grey skinned slut who wears black and moves animalistically. hmmm.

in Skyrim he’s a bosmer who was seduced by a vampire who wanted him as a blood thrall but the idiot after a while the idiot turned him instead of draining him of everything and killing him. he Came Back Wrong. he’s also not the Dragonborn. can you even imagine. anyway. Listener. Stealth Archer. you know the drill. images⤵️

he’s much more interesting in Elden Ring. because it’s Lore is so vague about the Tarnished’s background, i just revamp his skyrim story slightly. he was a member of religious assassins (confesser starting class) but was betrayed by their leader and he was burned alive in the underground sanctuary. (au, obviously not how it happens) anyway, he has no memory of this. he’s very resistant to the Golden Order, finds the guidance of “grace” very disturbing but also. very difficult resist following, even subconsciously. he has no desire to assume the mantle of Mighty Elden Lord. Patches The Untethered fucking fascinates him and he just. imprints on that poor bald man like a baby bird. literally twirling his hair and kicking his feet and giggling at every attempted homicide. which eventually leads him to the volcano manor

and by the outer gods does he devote himself to them so quickly. so intensely-and why is this becoming a blow by blow of his whole elden ring story. whoops. anyway. when he finds out melina must die for him he Loses His Fucking Shit. it is simply unacceptable. INCOMPREHENSIBLE that someone dies for him. luckily, Shabriri comes along and offers a lovely and elegant solution :)

here’s where what i said before about him not liking the golden order and hating the idea of being elden lord comes in. yes, he can’t imagine himself as a Lord. but as it turns out, when pushed into a corner. he can imagine himself as a Martyr. an ambassador for the misbegotten, the demi humans (are they different words for the same race? i genuinely don’t know) the omens, the nomadic merchants, those who live in death. he can warp this story about one guys selfish journey toward becoming a lord into an epic romantic tragedy about the selfless actions of the saviour of the downtrodden, who disintegrated all that divides and distinguishes. <3 may chaos take the world.

i Am Aware that his outfit is very silly. but it’s part of his character. ambassador for the omens (cloak) and nomadic merchants (idiot hat) and those who live in death (prince of death staff. not seen but it’s there) he used to wear alberichs fancy wizard set but after being burned by Frenzy i imagine him trying to put them back on and not being able to because. burns. painful. so he throws on the soft cloak to protect himself from the elements and goes about his business. half naked at all times. it’s a serve.

i tried putting him in Dragon Age, in both Origins and Inquisition, but i just can’t make him fit in there for some reason. i reckon i could make him work as a Maharial Morrigan-mancer in origins with a bit of canon divergence and a lotta willpower (my own, not like. the games willpower skill you can level up) but that would require to play origins and that’s a pain by itself if i’m being brutally honest. i’ve tried him twice in inquisition with a lovehate cassandra romance that ends just So Bad but. and not to be dramatic here but. i genuinely think he would commit suicide immediately after closing that damn breach. like i just cant think of a single reason he would stay with those people.

anyway. i think that’s finally it? i warned you it would be long. still feel like i’m forgetting something. thank you so much to anyone who’s read this far, i love you with my whole heart

#oc aeryn #your daily dose of idiocy #uh. sure why not #elden ring #skyrim #i don’t think asks show up in the main tags anyway. #once again i am in the weird and rare position of having said all that could be said in the main post #and having nothing to add it the tags. it’s weird.