GREENDALE'S 2nd TUMBLR ISSUE OF THE GAZETTE JOURNAL MIRROR!!
March 26 . 24. - a Quality publication of Greendale Community College
This issue's hot topics:
The REDSTREET SMACKDOWN: Greendale students' midnight brawls and mega bans
Leaked: timeline travel method: Vent, vent, voom?
1st Horrors Humans Answers
Notices we had to put in or the paper wouldn't run this week
THE REDSTREET SMACKDOWN
The owner of the popular bar on L Street has said it will be permanently banning all the Greendalians involved in the brawl late last night.
The numerous bans follow a review of the situation which identified them all as equally responsible for the damages, losses and brutal attack of the bartender on shift that night.
Allegedly, the bartender, who came from the night with a severe black eye and several cuts, has also been banned as well as being fired outright.
Separately, another bartender, ‘Jean’, has said he didn’t witness the entire event, just the final moments where they all "acted as part of the group".
Other witnesses suggested a redheaded girl with ‘too many darn piercings’ was ‘vicious’ in her screaming match and was the one who took the first swing.
An on scene reporter wrote that the bartender on shift argued back equally as viciously and threatened the crowd to take further action. All in all the row was said to have lasted no more than five minutes and yet the effects of it would cost the owner greatly. Our reporter counted a total of eight present during the dispute. This included Greendales’ own Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir and Vanessa Wright. It’s suggested that the others were also students but they were unable to be identified at the time.
Total damages are said to be cash register breakages, several broken glasses and dents on a couple of chairs. The assailants also stole several bottles of wine and two shot glasses.
Redstreet’s owner claimed he will not be pressing any charges on this occasion. He commented “if i went apeshit on every stupid drunken fool, I’d never have time to actually run the damn bar. It’s all show business.”
He also told the team that Redstreet is opening a ‘Tapas Tuesday with ten percent taken (off the total price of the order, not including discounts and other offers and limited only to tuesdays)’ All are welcome except the blacklisted, including the newly banned assailants of last night.
Leaked: ‘timeline travel method’, Vent, vent, voom?
Sources have suggested that the more surefire way to travel between the ‘timelines’ are by crawling through Greendale’s vents.
The ‘timelines’ themselves were discovered late last year upon the discovery of the ‘other timeline’, (also been dubbed the ‘superior timeline’ by some) rendering this the ‘prime timeline’. It was quickly realised by the sci-fi society members, namely one ‘Abed Nadir’ that there are possibly infinite other timelines out there. It was also discovered that Tumblr is a rare medium through which all the timelines are able to converge.
While many claim to have undertaken this method to travel between them, the Gazette Journal Mirror stresses that this is still hearsay, and has yet to be directly confirmed by the paper.
Although, with this new information to light, we urge you to keep a keen eye for the evil timeliners who have been sighted around campus and tumblr alike!
Horrors Humans Answers
hi! i have a crush on a girl, and i know she's gay, or at least queer, and she's been dropping some hints, but then sometimes she also says we're just friends and does friend-zone-y kind of stuff, and i'm not sure what to think or to do. please send help!
- angel lover
ANSWER: Hey, Angel Lover! This horrors human knows exactly how you feel! The lovesick feeling is bittersweet. But hang tight! Here’s my advice. Scenario One: You bite the bullet and just ask her out, you never know the outcome until you try - and as they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Scenario Two: You ask a mutual friend if you know who she likes! That’s a sure way to know if it’s you, or someone else. Horrors Human wishes you the best of luck!
what’s the deal with the dude hanging in the east stairwell
- scared student
ANSWER: Hi there, Scared Student! I’m here to say - Fear Not! You’re probably seeing things. Have you been eating funny brownies recently? There’s no one hanging in the east stairwell, silly! There’s no one there, see? No one there. No one there. No one there at all. anymore. In fact, we’re going to put a nice new vending machine right there next week! Enjoy!
How to stop having gay thoughts
-person in a study group who totally isn’t gay
ANSWER: Hello, Study Grouper! Sounds like you’ve got a classic case of denial. Though this may be tricky for you to come to terms with, my advice here would not be to try and stop yourself from having these thoughts but to take a step back and allow them to be there. Indulge yourself a little! Perhaps there’s a celebrity you’ve never openly admitted to liking, or maybe you’ve got a crush you flirt with? Get comfortable with yourself, Study Grouper!
Notices (we had to put this in because otherwise they wouldn't let us run the paper this week)
GREENDALE’S THEATRE DEPARTMENT: We are excited to announce their upcoming performance, ‘Anti Death Macbeth’, the tickets of which will be going on sale this Friday from the drama studio and reception. Don’t miss it. This will not be an ado about nothing!
TEACHERS PAY: INTERVIEW WITH THE DEAN TO BE PUBLISHED SHORTLY.
NON-GLUTEN FREE RUMOURS: ‘Who on earth would trick people into eating bread with gluten in it?' Greendale's head chef and meal planner commented, insisting on speaking directly from rehab. And there you have it, human beings! We’re here to remind you that, no matter the rumours, the cafeteria’s Gluten-Free bread is indeed gluten-free!
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