#which is totally normal and common and i myself do it! but my ego says nuh uh. go feel bad bc other ppl have agency lol

[dexaroth]

it's kind of a fun move to make my very very personal blog also the one I post my drawings on

ive purposefully done it to not create that kind of environment where it's just an account posting art, a one-dimensional abstract thing that's so detached that if I were to post something like 'teehee I tried to off myself so I'm opening comms to pay the bills' it'd be met with utmost surprise bc it'd break the illusion yknow?

but sometimes I do want some drawings to not have context. to be as impersonal as a vintage figure whose sculptor has never been fully known or a golden locket with the picture of someone who you don't know anything about

I want both, to be honest. it's always been a struggle of the need of external validation but also to not want to taint everything with myself

I want to draw a pet portrait for someone and not have it be judged with all the ramblings and half-jokes about how everything sucks every now and then.

I want to draw a guy being mechanically separated for no reason and not have it show up besides someone's pet portrait and having to explain to the average person I don't even know why I like gore so much besides rendering it is fun

it's all like a cycle of making it clear who is behind the art for context but also sometimes wanting everything to speak for itself and wanting a sort of pure reaction to it

and it culminates into that overly familiar feeling.. of wanting to be consistent. to have a feel, a look that you can maybe hope someone will identify as yours.. and the question is always the same - for what? why? why does it matter?

if anything the first thing I'd ever say to someone who remotely showed interest in art and wanted to know my side of it is that nothing matters and everything is subjective and that there will always be people who see too much meaning where there isn't and people who miss the point entirely. and that diversity is just as good as quality and not a binary switch that you have to pick for the rest of your life. and that often by trying to achieve perfection you just end up dumping what gave your art a personal touch because it wasn't absolutely on par with the version of you that you so desperately want people to identify you with or the vibe you want to give off or whatever else

it's kind of a problem that also has different connotations depending on the way wherever you post works, too

on devart and I think insta too favorites and likes are the easiest way to show a kind of support that happens to streamline everything into images on a page instead of actually taking in most detail, the title or description or lack thereof, maybe even a message or line or music lyric intended to aid in the perception.. that ends up getting completely ignored because it takes extra effort to do. and it gets exponentially worse the more people you follow

then, well.. tumblr. because of the way the posts are organized and at least show captions it has a bit of a leg up, but then the sideblog stuff comes up. posts 95% of the time only give traction to the account that posted it, so a sideblog where you reblog your art is pretty much just a gallery for the convenience of whoever follows them. if you post on that sideblog however, then that facilitates no one visiting your main and just looking at the drawings, leading to the art-artist detachment as it is also plenty of extra steps and effort

then, independently, the path you choose is hard to undo. choose to be unknown and be bound to the façade you have to keep and not break your persona, or put all bits of yourself out to the public and there will forever be an image/ background version of you that will contextualize everything you do

try to turn around and choose to hide and it will put people off and affect how some will look at your new stuff now that you're less of a social butterfly because of the instinct of curiosity and wanting to know what happened , choose to show yourself and now you're too real and people don't want to associate with you because of the things you express or how it hits different knowing x and y or just not caring about you enough to be bothered to keep up with your life with sporadic drawings inbetween

it's all ironically about your own self-image and knowing others who know you

oh and it just hit me the financial side of things too. but that's too much for me rn and it's sort of a bonus to my point anyways

idk man. I feel like I'm having a stroke while an influencer tries to explain branding to me

#the public vs hidden thing is also like trying to balance the evils #do you want to enable being made fun of by quirky neurotypicals and edgelords bc of ur 'archetype' #or do you want to enable everyone to put any meaning to your art including dogshit ones and treat it like a commodity #public enough to have your name or style used pejoratively to describe other people #or hidden enough to blend in and represent nothing and say nothing. just like a blank piece of paper #these two sort of types are everywhere and there just doesnt seem to be a grey area. its just.... awkward. #ah yes look at my painting and tell me what you think of it! dont take me into consideration at all though. pretend this came out of thin> #>air bc thats how i want it to be perceived. bc of course we all know thats a thing that can be controlled by sheer will right? lol #i want to draw whatever. i want to stop giving a shit. not care of what people think its all about. but i want to be seen as well. .. #and its frustrating bc i find it immeasurably valuable to find meaning in the mundane #to find the whimsy and care on someone's 'bad' stickman cat doodle even tough sketches dont mean barely anything to the artist #and then i get sad when someone below my skill level finds My sketches good despite me posting them as a 'look at how bad this looks lol' #just. being desperate for wanting everything to go your way #like a filmmaker who swears the theater is an integral part of their movie when in reality a guy watching at home cherishes it just as much #i think id turn inside out of disgust if i ever truly legitimally considered all the 'wrong' ways people can experience my art #compressed to hell or they just didnt bother to zoom in and didnt notice the brushstrokes and effects #which is totally normal and common and i myself do it! but my ego says nuh uh. go feel bad bc other ppl have agency lol #i can definitely pretend i dont care anymore and even try to believe it so much i unconsciously start assimilating it #but the Moment someone comments something that contradicts what i thought and wished was happening i just. break . #im truly trying to stave off negative thoughts and teaching myself that what others think of me doesnt define me #and one day im overhearing something i wasnt meant to know and its that someone thinks im a child #and ends up treating me like one. like im too stupid to do anything #and then i look back at my eyestrain/cartoonish stuff thats in fact considered childish by people who try to use age as> #a token of 'i dont enjoy X because X is for kids because/therefore im an AdulT! respect me!' #and i just have to face the reality that thats the image of me my art gives off by itself and what society chose it to symbolize as well #which it all leads to wanting so deeply a way to control how others view you because of how age gate-keeping for example is so stupid #and it bleeds into every other feeling and paranoia and self doubt #either you act cool and lie about who you are or let others label you what they see fit especially what they consider to be deserving of> #>ridicule #dextxt

[spencersawkward]

switchblade faith//spencer reid - chapter 8

summary: one month after joining the BAU, Clea is still settling in. between solving murders and getting acclimated to DC, the only comfortable thing in her life is her friendship with Dr. Spencer Reid.

pairing: Fem!OC/Spencer

word count: 3.9k

content warnings: discussion of a dead body (for a case), discussion of sensory overload (idk if that's a warning but just in case).

A/N: sorry this took so long! i've had a lot of writer's block with this series, but i'm feeling a lot more motivated with it, now. anyway enjoy!

masterlist

my feet slam into the pavement at a rate that makes me wonder if my heart can take it. I can feel the air in my lungs, stinging, and the way it never seems like enough. I can't stop. my arms are pumping and my legs burn.

I'm sure I look like a mess right now, exhausted and sweaty as I make my way up the biggest hill by my apartment. I haven't been running in a while, and this incline is even more daunting than it was before.

I use the momentum I've built from before now and force myself up. every breath rips through me violently until I'm sure that if I stop running, I'll collapse. but I keep pushing, knowing it'll be worth it.

I hated running until college. just absolutely despised the thought of getting outside and forcing myself to move quickly. the older I get, though, the more refreshing it's gotten. it helped me escape from midterms, from the pressure that constantly seemed to mount with every passing day. sometimes it feels like all of it keeps piling on, and it's never going to stop.

of course, that's not really the way to look at life. I've had things to balance out the work, friends to call and ways to let out the hammering violence that always seem to fill the spaces between my ribs. running clears my head when nothing else does.

once I get to the top, I bend over and rest my palms on my knees so that I can relax. I can hear my heart beating in my ears and can feel my pulse thudding against my throat. it's good, though. I needed to do this again, to get exercise.

I resist the urge to lay down flat on the pavement. DC isn't really a good place to do that; everyone around me is on a morning stroll with their partner or they're out for a jog themselves. I pass several enthusiastic-looking dogs out for a walk. the sheer number of people around me should make me feel normal.

it doesn't.

I straighten and stretch out my muscles, wincing at the way my calves feel if I move them funny. I don’t want to get called in for a case today, but that's naive. there will always be another case because there will always be people we need to stop. maybe I'm just not jaded enough to not care. I like to think that's a good thing, though.

...

when I head into the office a couple hours later, there's a to-go cup of coffee resting on my desk. I smile to myself, set my bag down and shrug off my coat, then peek over the divider to see Spencer with a case file open and an identical to-go cup a couple inches away.

"is this your doing?" I refer to the coffee. he nods and smiles at me, seemingly not in the mood to talk.

"thanks, Reid."

sitting down to do some work, I sneak a peek at him. Spencer is acting different from last weekend. more shy. I'm not really sure the reason, unless he just felt particularly outgoing at the party and is now back to his default self.

we get a case before the hour is up, and then my mind is occupied by the details.

jet rides, though now a familiar routine, are probably my favorite part of the job. I don't feel totally unproductive, but I still have time to unwind and talk to people on our way. Emily and I have gotten much closer within the past few weeks and sometimes she tells me stories about her old job that keep me on the edge of my seat.

there's something so mysterious about her that I just appreciate; she's like a cool older cousin to me. and she's great at making fun of Morgan, which is something that I've found enjoyable as well. sometimes he needs to be knocked down a peg-- she's the woman to do it.

"how many?" I trace my finger down the smooth skin of Derek's arm, where he's lifted his sleeve just enough to show the inked lion. it's a big tattoo, and I'm somewhat surprised he has one at all. he just doesn't really seem the type.

"five right now." he flexes his bicep flirtatiously, and I immediately remove my hand with a repulsed expression, rolling my eyes at the chuckle he lets out.

"don't feed his ego like that." Emily warns from across the table. she's flipping through one of the plant magazines that we've stashed in the snack cupboards (much to Hotch's disapproval). I turn to see Morgan's reaction.

"you a little jealous, Prentiss?" he teases. her only response is a glance that dares him to push further. they both know that Emily has absolutely no interest in him, which I suppose adds to their friendship. Morgan leans down by my ear, but he makes no effort to quiet his voice. "you should ask about her tattoos."

"you have tattoos?" my eyes widen at this, voice a little louder than usual. Hotch glances over at us from his seat a ways away, but doesn't say anything. Reid is passed out on the couch, strangely tired for the middle of the day; Rossi's writing something in his miniature journal.

"that's not anyone's business." she says more to Morgan than to me.

"I wanna see!" I set my glass of ice water down on the table and straighten up. Emily pretends to be exhausted by the persistence, but she closes her magazine momentarily.

"look, I can't show them all here." she raises a suggestive eyebrow.

"then how does Derek know?" I smirk. Emily makes a face, but Morgan is the one who replies.

"this one gets a little loose-lipped when she drinks too much." he teases. I snort and glance at Emily. I've seen her tipsy before, but never drunk. at most, she gets affectionate with all of us and calls us her best friends in the whole world. which, honestly, isn't an unwelcome sentiment.

"I do not." she argues.

"yeah, you do." Reid mumbles from the couch cushion where he's been resting his head. I jump at the sudden noise, and we all turn to him.

"look who's up." Emily smiles. Reid stretches his legs out, limbs so long that his feet hang off the end of the couch. he's wearing mismatched socks again today, one with bananas and one covered in sushi rolls. I smile to myself.

"I'm not," he argues. "someone had to correct you."

Morgan and I let out an amused laugh. my eyes dart between Spencer and the two other agents. "I feel like I'm the only one here who hasn't seen Prentiss drunk."

"yes, you have." she frowns.

"no. not, like, plastered."

"don't let Garcia hear you say that." Morgan laughs. I snort.

"why?"

"any excuse to party, and she'll take it." he shakes his head affectionately.

"she'd just call it bonding." Prentiss adds in. I have a soft spot in my heart for Pen. for all of the darkness we see here, she makes it a little bit brighter with her quips and sparkly pens and neon glasses. she's a blessing.

"what's so bad about that?" I defend for her sake.

"nothing's wrong with it, per se," Emily shrugs. "it just means we aren't as professional as we should be."

"I'd argue that our job actually means we get to let loose more when we have the time." I shrug. Morgan offers his fist to pound, and I oblige with a satisfied smile.

"you two are children, you know that?" Emily gestures between Derek and me. I shrug, about to return to my crossword when she speaks again. "how many tattoos do you have, Clea?"

I blink for a second, deciding whether or not to lie. it would be kind of cool to sound badass, but I don't know if I even have the mental capability to fib to a bunch of profilers. "none."

"what?" Morgan looks at me with confusion.

"yeah, none. why is that such a big surprise?" I laugh at their reactions. Prentiss is alarmed, too.

"I don't know-- you seem like the kind of person to get a heart tattooed on your thigh or something." Morgan shrugs. I make a face, silent.

"that's offensive."

Prentiss snorts and finishes her drink. I peek over and see Reid with his eyes closed but a slightly amused smile on his face. by the couch, I can see through the window. we're slipping through gray clouds that are saturated with rain, and the weather change causes the jet to shake a bit.

my fingertips wrap around the arm of the seat and Emily eyes me warily.

"you okay?"

"don't like flying." I answer, nostrils flaring slightly. usually with these trips, I've been able to hide my apprehension for flying by holding onto my knee below the table or something, but the sudden jerks are putting me off.

it's stupid-- plane anxiety is ridiculously common, and I don't think it's necessarily unwarranted. the problem is that to a bunch of people trained in behavioral analysis, it shows a blatant fear of not having control.

which is true, but it's not like I need that plastered all over my face every time we board a flight.

"would you get a tattoo if you could?" Emily changes the subject, thankfully, and I bite down on my bottom lip.

"I think so, yeah." it's said without much thought; all that's on my mind right now is wondering what our ETA is. Morgan shifts in his seat to smirk.

"really."

"sure."

he nods appreciatively before turning to look back out the window. droplets of moisture are collecting there, but they only distort the image of Portland stretched out below. the water is steel gray and rippled with wind.

I've never been here. for some reason, I find myself wondering what it smells like. that mingling of city scent and ocean, if they meet in the middle to form their own distinct identity. if it will settle on my tongue and in my clothes.

it's funny to me that when I go to different places and return, I don't notice how different it all smells until I breathe it in through the fabric of my shirts, and from there it all comes rushing back. Spencer mentioned during a case once that scent creates the most powerful memory reaction out of all our senses-- and I believe it.

DC smells like humidity and rain-slicked streets, Montana like dust. even the jet has a particular one that I don't associate with anything right now, but I know I will in the future. like I'm standing in the formation of a memory.

half-baked.

...

we've got the hoods of our raincoats up as we make our way into the office of our latest victim. Morgan holds the door and I wander in, staring up at the enormous glass walls of the place. a stray droplet falls from the hood of my jacket and onto my nose, rolling down the bridge and causing me to sniffle.

her boss is surprisingly dismissive of us when we get to his office, reluctantly getting off a phone call and giving me something of a dead-fish handshake. as we take a seat at his desk, I can smell the overbearing stench of his expensive cologne.

he's got exactly the kind of look that I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole: taut, judgmental face with a stiff mustache and slicked-back black hair that honestly is probably dyed. his eyes linger on me for a bit longer than I appreciate, but I clear my throat and try to brush off the discomfort.

Winona's body was found in a ditch off the side of a highway, dumped like trash. based on the ME report, she was alive when he threw her in, but died shortly after from her wounds. the whole thing is gruesome and as her employer notes her tendency to daydream and occasional tardiness, I want to reach across the table to smack him.

Morgan is able to keep his cool better than I can, nodding. I know it's important to know her behaviors in order to build our profile, but I still don't like the way this guy is talking about her.

"she wasn't really the strongest employee we've got, but she was nice enough around the office." he shrugs. I notice the gold wedding band that glints on his ring finger, the way he leans back in his swivel chair. he's got evaluative eyes.

by the time we're done, I'm practically flying out the door of his office and hurrying to the elevator. we got what we needed to know from him, if not through a somewhat convoluted method.

"nice guy." I note sarcastically after punching the down button. Morgan tucks his hands into his jeans pockets and looks at our warped reflections in the elevator doors.

"we talk to a lot of people like that. you get used to it."

"didn't seem too concerned about her at all."

"I don't think guys like that are concerned about much more than themselves."

"you should have mentioned a tax evasion investigation happening around here," I smirk. "that would probably put the fear of God into him."

Morgan chuckles and looks over at me. it would be unprofessional to fist bump with so many people around, although the smile we share is definitely a great equivalent.

as we pack into the metal box with a bunch of employees, they look at us curiously. the enormous FBI label on the back of our jackets probably doesn't help, but I pretend to look like I know what I'm doing as we step out into the lobby.

in all reality, faking it until I make it is the only thing I know how to do.

...

the late night cravings come as a surprise as I stand over a map of Portland. my eyes are starting to cross from staring at all the minuscule details for so long, and my fingers are twitching from a mixture of hunger and overloaded caffeine.

we were supposed to go to bed about two hours ago, but I know for a fact that I'm not the only one sitting in my motel room with open files and a determined expression. I do happen to be the only person rooming alone, however, and the silence has been helpful.

Reid's been working on a geographic profile, but there's something missing. I'm not sure what it is. all I know is that if I don't figure it out soon, it's going to eat away at me. based on his activity patterns, there are only a few more days before this guy abducts another woman.

except now I'm just thinking about how much time we don't have, and that sort of sends me into a spiral, too. I'm prepared to always be running against a clock for this job, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I'm going to lose it if I stare at any more tiny lines indicating roads or side streets or whatever else demands attention.

I need to get out of my head.

before taking time to really consider anything else, I grab my phone and look up pizza places nearby. what I need right now is some sustenance and tv-- or at least something to distract me enough to recharge.

I change into my pjs and wash my face while I wait for the delivery person to arrive, try to ease the day out of my bones. there used to be a whole process for me after work every day, where I'd shut off my brain. The Real Housewives of Atlanta provided ample help for this, along with fuzzy socks and glasses of red wine. I can make do with this.

once the pizza guy comes and I pay for my food, I don't even make way to my room; instead, I go to the person I know who needs this more than I do.

"Clea?" Spencer rubs his eyes as he swings open the door, glasses held in the other hand.

"hi." I smile brightly.

"what are you doing here?" his soft tone and the dim light from a motel lamp in the corner tells me that Morgan is asleep right now in the other bed.

in response to his question, I hold up the box of pizza with a grin. his eyes widen.

"I can't eat all this alone." definitely a lie, but saying that he needs to take a break probably wouldn't sway him enough.

for a second, Spencer seems to debate this in his head. when he runs a shaky hand through his hair, I roll my eyes. "it's pizza, dude. not a wedding proposal. you can go back to the case in twenty minutes."

he nods this time and looks up at me as I turn and start toward my room. closing the door gently behind him, I don't miss the way he increases his pace a little to catch up with me.

"did you get mushrooms?" he asks. I throw him a disgusted look before realizing what he's talking about and breaking into a grin.

"you remembered!" I reference my hatred of the fungus. Spencer smiles with pride, turns his gaze to the carpeted floors. I unlock the door and let us in.

"of course I remember," he snorts. "it's hard to forget."

I giggle at the way he immediately uses the sink to wash his hands, and I join him after setting the box on the bed.

"favorite soap scent?" I ask absently. suds cover my fingers as he rinses the water from his. normally, this isn't a question I'd ask, but Spencer seems like he would have a response.

"you know, I really enjoy anything fresh-smelling," he thinks about it. "like waterfall smell."

"I like those, too."

"what's your favorite?"

"there's this brand that I love that specializes in antibacterial soaps, and they have a lavender one that literally makes me ascend." I laugh. Spencer is drying his hands with a folded towel and his face lights up.

"Ravi's Organics?" he suggests. my heart leaps with recognition.

"yes! oh my god, have you used their cracked cinnamon one?"

"I have the hand sanitizer in my bag." Reid's eyes are so pretty. they sparkle with a hazel color, almost chocolatey in the cheap motel light.

"they have a hand sanitizer for it?" my jaw drops. he nods and I shake my head slowly. we walk over to the bed to eat the pizza. he seems hesitant, though, and pauses.

it takes me a second to remember that Spencer has different boundaries and is just kind of awkward in general. even though there's no obvious tension between us, I don't want to make him uncomfortable, so I plop down on the floor.

"you like Ravi's Organics." he states it back to himself more than to me, and as I pop open the box to reveal a beautiful pepperoni pizza, I nod vigorously.

"yeah, it's actually kind of a funny story," we start to dig in immediately. I lift an enormous slice to my lips and bite into the perfection. it's so good. "when I was little, my parents used to call me Rascal."

"Rascal?" he laughs through a bite of food.

"like the raccoon? from that book?" it's a kid's story.

"why?" he snorts. I take a second to chew before replying.

"I just get really overwhelmed by certain sensory things-- like, I hate being sticky or having any kind of weird texture on my hands. so whenever we went out to eat or anything, I would always sit on the outside of the booth so I could run to the bathroom and wash my hands as I pleased." I explain all of this with a slight frown on my face. it's true, I've just never really thought about it.

"I don't like sticky stuff, either." he offers.

"yeah, it got pretty bad. but I guess I just grew out of it. I'm not sure when." I pluck a piece of pepperoni off the top and slide it into my mouth.

Spencer takes in this information for a second while he eats, and I'm momentarily worried that I've overshared. he came for some food and now I've served up a weird childhood memory to accompany it.

but then he does something funny and altogether endearing.

"actually, raccoons are very cleanly creatures, despite their dietary habits." he tells me.

frankly, it makes me feel better than anything else that he could have said. "fastidious little things, right?"

"exactly." he chuckles. his shoulders are hunched, elbows leaning on his knees.

"fix your posture." I say gently, noticing the way his spine curves abysmally when he's sitting across from me. his cheeks turn a pretty pink, but he follows directions.

"is it that bad?" he's a bit embarrassed. immediately, I soften and do what comes easily, making a joke.

"if you don't work on it, you're gonna be living in a French cathedral by the age of thirty."

Spencer snorts-- genuinely almost chokes on his food-- and looks at me with his almost childlike eyes. there's something in them that I can't decipher at all, almost so obvious that it completely goes over my head.

"that was mean." he's still trying to recover from the onset of giggles, and I lean forward to grab another slice, suppressing a proud grin myself.

"your future straight-backed self will thank me."

"I'll remember that." he nods dutifully.

"I'm sure you will."

we share a secretive smile before I bite into my pizza and launch into a different subject. the more I learn about Spencer, the more I want to know. I feel like there are things beneath every new surface that would be fascinating to understand.

"what's it like having an eidetic memory?"

he frowns like he isn't sure how to answer. I thought he'd already have something locked and loaded, a prepared response for a question he definitely gets frequently. when he opens his mouth, I find myself hanging on every word. "it's... interesting."

"blessing or a curse?"

"both."

"would you ever give it up if given the option?" I narrow my eyes a bit. I'm especially curious about this.

"no." this is delivered with certainty. for a second, I stare at him with about a million more questions in my head. of course, they're completely out-of-bounds and way too personal, but they're still there.

"hm." I say instead. as usual, delivering thrilling commentary at every turn.

Spencer peeks at me over his pizza for a second, seeming to want to say something else, but decides against it. our eyes meet; I'm not sure what it is, maybe a silent agreement or something else that's unspoken, but we decide not to press further on either end.

whatever he's got tucked away in that big brain of his, he's not ready to talk about it with anyone-- much less a new colleague in a dumpy motel. there's a time and place for certain things, and boundaries to respect.

I change the subject before he can make some lame excuse to leave. for some reason, I just don't want him to leave me here in this room.

taglist (lmk if you wanna be added/removed for this series): @reidsconverse @voidsfilm

#spencer reid #spencer reid fic #criminal minds fic #criminal minds #best friends to lovers #fanfic #mgg #matthew gray gubler #baby spencer #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid x oc #spencer reid x reader

[transmascjfk]

i'm,, trans and hc chihiro to be a male..

i'm sorry, but i don't quite understand how that's transphobic. could you please explain how chihiro is transmisogynistic? (sorry if i come off as rude - that's not my intention and i genuinely just don't understand, though i would like to!!)

What is transmisoginy?

"Transmisogyny is a distinct category of transphobia in that transmisogyny mainly focuses on trans women and other transgender individuals who demonstrate femininity, whereas transphobia is a more general term, covering a broader spectrum of prejudice and discrimination towards transsexual and transgender individuals. Julia Serano states in Whipping Girl that "when the majority of jokes made at the expense of trans people center on 'men wearing dresses' or 'men who want their penises cut off' that is not transphobia – it is transmisogyny. When the majority of violence and sexual assaults committed against trans people is directed at trans women, that is not transphobia – it is transmisogyny." "

Chihiro is written to mock trans women, to say that in reality trans women are secretly men, she is a man who is weak and uses being trans as a way to escape her problems, this is a thing that is also said to trans men a lot, that theyre just trying to avoid the hard parts of being a woman by becoming a man. Even if the writters intended it to be like that or not (which they probably did because transphobia is a big thing that happens a lot, obviously) it's still transmisogynistic. Thats that on that

This is a pretty common transphobic trope actually, the "Turns out this one character was actually from the opposite sex??!!", theres more examples of this in other games outside Danganronpa.

But also her experience is pretty different from other examples, her experiences are way too similar with trans womens experiences.

This is mostly for the cis people who call her a crossdresser and refuse to change their mind, on it, sit down.

Written by a trans man.

Don't tell me whats transphobic and what it's not transphobic if you're cis. Just sit down and read.

Tw: transphobia, transmisoginy, death mentions and blood in the pictures.

The game implies a lot of stuff with her dialogue, it doesn't straight up says "I don't want to be a woman anymore, I'm a man" like everyone claims it does.

[ Alt text 1:

Chihiro Fujisaki: I'm going to get stronger...and accept who I am... ]

[ Alt text 2:

Chihiro Fujisaki: Strong enough so that when someone says "even thought you're a boy" I'll be okay. I'll get better! ]

[ Alt text 3:

Chihiro Fujisaki: I wrapped myself in lies. I'm weak. I want to destroy that version of me forever! ]

[ Alt text 4:

Chihiro Fujisaki: ... I want to change. ]

[ Alt text 5:

Chihiro Fujisaki: I have to change. I don't want to be weak anymore ]

She goes to Mondo not because hes masculine, but because she admires him and his strength. She never once says it's because shes a man or because Mondo is a man.

[ Alt text 1:

Chihiro Fujisaki: Maybe talking to Mondo about it will help give me some courage... ]

[ Alt text 2:

Chihiro Fujisaki: I admire... your strength... ]

These dialogues can be read in two ways, the first one being the one the game tries the hardest to put in your head thats shes a man, all of this guessed by other people btw not what she herself says. Which is really transphobic, because she was written as a trans woman and then theyre like "uh no actually hes a man, because he was born as one but hes a coward so he started to dress as a woman to hide from his problems. Because thats what people do right? People who dress as their oppossite gender are so pathetic, specially men amiright? Ahaha"

Reading it in this way really weird, you're doing a lot of mental gymnastics because you would literally call her a trans woman with all of this if the rest of the trial, that consists of cis people assuming shes a man, didn't happen. And sadly you're following transphobic ideas by this. Because the canon is transphobic and transmysoginistic.

And the other way is just read what she says, that she just wants to be stronger and stop lying to everyone, basically about being cis, because shes not, shes amab (assigned male at birth) and thats probably what she said to Mondo, but most people when a trans person who already passes or is in their transition comes out many people tend to think "oh so youre your gender assigned at birth and not the one you claim to be?", because they don't get what being trans is and they think only "biological gender" is a thing. Basically, misgendering and invalidating the trans person.

I can guess all of this just because of how vague they decided to make her dialogue, not even showing how she tells Mondo about being amab.

What did she said to Mondo? "I'm trans"? "I'm a man"? "I was born a man"? We dont know, because they didn't show it and she died right afterwards and then everyone was like "Chihiro was secretly a man" to solve the case and thats it. A lot of people in the discourse get their information from Monokuma who isn't either Chihiro or even Mondo. Monokuma knows many things but he can't read minds to know if she was really trans or not, only she could say it but she died so she couldn't explain if shes trans or not.

[ Alt text:

A youtube comment by Gail Frisbee, posted 4 days ago, this comment was edited by the autor. The comment says:

"It's honestly increible to me when people try to argue that a scene in which a female-presenting character gets their genitals groped and then is posthumously referred to as a male from that point on can't be transphobic just because that character calls themselves a boy in some other side content later. It's on about the same level of intellectual honesty as claiming that Quiet from MGS5 isn't really fanservice because she totally breaths throught her skin you guys.

As it turns out, if you really dig down deep into the lore, Chihiro is a fictional character and the same people who wrote the genital investigation scene also wrote the lines that character says in the game as well. It's a shocking twist, I know." ]

Her fears of being outed and people founding out her secret (being trans) or being transphobic is used as a gross big twist. A trans woman being used as a mockery of trans people? Great totally normal (/sarcasm)

Read this post made by a trans woman. I'll be using this only part but it's still a great read.

[ Alt text:

So. There is a lot to unpack here, but I want to start with something that specifically hurts me as a trans woman, and that's how the game flippantly uses real world horrors trans people face as shocking reveals and twists. You can go down the list for "worst nightmares" of trans people incluiding:

Threatening to be outed against your wishes

Outing yourself to a trusted friend and being met with rejection, or worse, violence

Having your body and privacy examined and invaded

Having your deadname used and being misgendered after death, when you can't correct them ]

Now, let's go to her backstory for a bit. I will be using the wiki for this. (Which sadly uses he/him for her 💔)

" When Chihiro was a child, he became the subject of harassment and bullying. He was always told to "be a man" and that he was "so weak despite being a boy", and because of that, Chihiro slowly but surely began to develop a "weakness complex". In order to escape the bullying, Chihiro began to dress as a girl so that people wouldn't bully him as a weak boy. "

This doesn't sound like a normal crossdresser, this sounds like a trans woman who was bullied for being different when she was younger, like many trans people, and then she decided to transition because she's a woman, she wanted to be more feminine and stop being seen as a person shes not. Specially after so many people tell her to basically man up when she doesn't want that, because shes not a man.

Have you ever heard of the classic stories of "since I was little i knew i was different, i was a boy who liked playing with dolls and was more feminine than the rest" or "i used to be a tomboy when i was little, i had mostly male friends, i liked playing with car toys and was more masculine than other kids" coming from trans people? This just sounds as these types of stories to me.

People also like to say that alter ego uses he/him pronouns and says shes a boy. Many trans people can misgender themselves for personal reasons too guys, she could've been trying to misgender herself because she didn't felt like she wasn't enough to be a real woman, this happens a lot to trans people. If people constantly tell you that you're not actually transgender or you just feel like you're faking it then you might actually believe it, thats were most "detransitioners" come from. And thats basically what they made her, a detransitioner.

Some of you might also don't get how shes trans because you think she doesn't perfect or exact trans stereotypes. Trans experiences can be similar on the feeling of not fitting in, dysphoria, etc. But trans experiences, stories, transitions and complete lifes can be very different, because we all (including cis people) live different lifes, experience, process and cope with things differently. So i can understand why you might not get her being trans coded at first, don't worry. But try instead of just not caring because you don't get it at the first try, to see what trans people say.

This whole discourse its mostly cis people talking over trans people about their own experiences (incluiding the dead trans coded characters experience) saying if theyre valid or not and denying stuff not wanting to learn anything, completely refusing to it because "In canon hes a boy" ok then in canon shes written in a transphobic way too but most of you don't care about that. You would rather call her a crossdresser than try to acknowledge how obviously trans coded she is and how thats used as transphobia.

The way most cis people act in this discourse is very transphobic to me to be honest, if you think you're a good ally but act like this then you should get more educated on the topic as a whole and about trans people too.

-the trans Chihiro flag to finish this up, she has a bit boobie! good for her! good for her.

#chihiro discourse #discourse #transphobia #transphobia cw #transphobia tw #chihiro fujisaki #if i forgot about something please tell me!! #trigger happy havoc

[xxbakacoconutxx]

So here’s a nice little interview with Tobias where he talks about Copia, changing characters, the three times Papa III fell, a common nightmare, horror movies with his kids and horror movies in general. The volume is pretty low, so I’ve typed everything out below the read more!

Nudge: This is Nudge on the bus here with Tobias Forge. It is an honor to be here, sir. Thank you for creating an entire universe with your music.

Tobias: Thank you for enjoying it. [laughs]

Nudge: I’ve enjoyed it from the very start. Now, I wanna start out in the – Cardinal Copia… Your backstory with him, he won the most employee of the month awards from Papa Nihil. What kind of crazy stuff did he have to do for that?

Tobias: Uhhm…. For my well-being, I’m actually quite happy that I don’t know.

[Someone in the background laughs]

Tobias: I don’t want to think about whatever chores there are within the ministry that adds up to employee of the month. I don’t know exactly.

Nudge: You don’t know? But that’s alright.

[Someone in the background says “but I’m sure it’s hard work”]

Nudge: Speaking of hard, when you transition to another singer with Ghost, is it hard to say goodbye to that particular character? That front man?

Tobias: Uhm… I usually feel a bit ambivalent about that segment of… you know it’s always enthusias- like I’m always enthusiastic about making a new record, and also very very pumped about having a new release as much as any artist, I guess, and from a creative point of view, it’s always refreshing. And it’s exciting, but that bit is definitely putting a limiter on that excitement, unfortunately. But I’ve learned over the years, of doing it a couple times, that it’s just part of the program and uh….yeah. [laughs]

Nudge: Now Cardinal Copia is sticking around for a second album. At one point, he was called an imposter. Do you still feel he’s an imposter, or has he proved himself?

Tobias: I think he’s fine, I mean I think he’s cool. I would love- like also from the previous questions asked- to do it that way. [laughs] Because then that means you don’t have to change that much. But still, it’s like, also like reconfiguring the look of the band is also like a…it’s a hard thing to um… Imagine if your … it’s almost to the point where - if you’ve had a long, big beard and long hair for a long time and all of a sudden you shave everything off, it takes time to sort of like adjust to that because you have, you know, this picture in your head of what you’re doing and… but throughout all these years of doing Ghost it is a sort of a schizophrenic experience just because you are so distant. Me, personally, my own vision of myself does not correlate with what I see on a picture of us playing last night. It’s like this completely different being. So, adding to that is like when you’ve done the first few shows of a tour cycle and with a new costume and with the new look of the band it always feels a little bit like “ok, so this is what we are now?” [laughs] You know, it’s always a little strange.

Nudge: With new costumes, it’s been rumored that Cardinal Copia is still working hard at becoming a Papa. Are you excited for that movement? And getting promoted?

Tobias: Um, potentially yeah. Yeah, yeah I’m very curious to see where we’re going as well.

Nudge: what does he have to do to get promoted?

Tobias: [in a funny voice] oh, meters and meters of – [regular voice] no! [laughs] Uh, I dunno. Hard work and… that’s what it is. Hard work, and don’t fuck up.

[Someone laughs in the background]

Nudge: Has he fucked up in your opinion? On these last legs of the tour?

Tobias: No, I mean, I mean even compared to his brother in the past… uhm, no his brother- that was the previous guy… uh [laughs nervously] compared to the previous dudes, Cardi has not - so far - fallen off stage, which is a good thing.

[Someone is the background says “Oh I remember that video. Did that hurt?”]

Tobias: I-I wouldn’t know!

Nudge: He didn’t complain?

Tobias: He felt - like, Papa III fell three times. Three times was… like- hard. Like I remember there was one time at a festival in LA and that wasn’t very- it wasn’t involved with pain, but it was one of those where the air almost like [makes a coughing/wheezing noise]. And uh, the one on the Iron Maiden show where he fell into a hole on stage- or technically it was in between the two sort of thrusts – that could have ended very badly. Because it was a jack in the leg and would have been a jack in the back of the head hadn’t it been for the extra padding. So that could’ve ended very, very badly. And what else was it…?

Nudge: It was impressive that he went on and didn’t miss a beat after he got back up.

Tobias: Right, well we were lucky because we were doing it in between Mummy Dust and Monstrance Clock so there was the speech thing in between and had it been like just a dry start into the next song it would have been probably not doable. I had sit down and I was sitting on the edge of the stage just like “my god”, just feeling - like touching my leg and it was all numb and I could feel that it was all messed up underneath and it was bloody, and… and um, you know when you injure yourself sometimes you feel so nauseous? [Person in background says “yeah”] You’re about to- you know I was almost hurling like [makes pained noise] and you feel all shook up.

And the third time was in Leeds, of all places. We have these ego risers, which is basically just a box on stage - on the edge of the stage - with a little bit of grating on and then underneath you have like pyro and things that sort of- lights and stuff. But you can jump up on it, and we do that all the time, and this was a night like any other so we do that little bounce and you land with two feet on that box. But one foot was outside the box, so I just went like, almost head first down into the pit. And I sort of landed on all fours, sort of like a cat like [makes a “kch” sound] but I sort of hit my head on the mojo fence. Because you know, the barrier has like one um, sort like leg that it’s resting... um what do you call it… angular to sort of support the crowd. So, landing on all fours like that, but then hit my head right on the, on that little leg there.

Nudge: Speaking of horror stories, is there any mask horror stories? I find it impressive that performers wear a mask and go through all that. Is there one where it almost fell off or you lost it?

Tobias: oh, I thought you said whores- [laughs] no, no. Um, horror stories… well, I mean the most terrifying things that I usually dream about, which is a nightmare – which I know several others in the band also have, and I think it comes sort of with the fact that, I think most entertainers that are due to stand on stage at a certain time and prepare to do something dream this, it’s like – every now and then I dream that we’re sort of circling up before the show and we’re like “alright, go!” and everybody runs up to their positions and then you notice that you’re standing there in your civil clothing like “…no!” [laughs] uhm, but other than that, like…. Yeah, sneezing in it is not very cool.

[Someone in the background laughs]

Tobias: I’ve done that a couple times.

Nudge: [laughs] It’s trapped in it

Tobias: Yeah, yeah.

Nudge: Let’s go to the family side of you. You don’t get a lot of time at home, so I’d like to know: when you’re home what kind of family fun activities do you enjoy?

Tobias: One thing that I enjoy now which I’ve been waiting for, for years- I’ve always been, I mean, I come from a very liberal home, we’ve always been very… you know, my mom was very…allowing? And I had an older brother so I saw a lot of things that I maybe shouldn’t have seen. And many, many, many nights… mom sleeping on the couch and I’m seeing late night films with her sort of just sleeping next to me. And that could’ve been anything, like Scarface, Alien, you name it. Like all those things, when I was like 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. Um, Shining. So my relationship to a lot of these films are very, very- I connect it with my childhood, like I connect it with so many nostalgic things… And I guess I was a little quick sometimes with my kids, like “Yeah, Temple of Doom, sure” like, and it-

[Someone in the background says “yeah, see a heart get ripped out!”]

Tobias: Yeah, and basically that scene was just like… caused like, a negative effect and like… “What’s…? This is like a matinee Lucas/Spielberg film…?”

[Someone in the background says “Rated PG!”]

Tobias: Yeah, yeah, like, totally fine! But now they’re 10 and my son has been - started to show real interest in horror films. He’s like really into Chucky and Child’s Play and you know, he wants to see Friday the 13th and like, “I’m game!”

[Someone in the background says “Oh yeah!”]

Nudge: you have to take him to see the new Child’s Play movie that’s coming out.

Tobias: Yeah that’s the one that we haven’t seen.

[Someone in the background “It’s coming out in a few months I think. There’s a new trailer for it.”]

Tobias: Yeah, I hope it’s as humoristic as the other ones. But most films that’re being remade, they have a tendency to completely not be charming anymore and they’re just like filled with jump-scares and it’s just horrible from first to last second. And that’s not really cool. I mean, all the horror films that I love are sort of very well balanced where there are segments of just transportation. So they’re just, you know there’s just better pacing in the old film.

Nudge: Alright, final question: what is your favorite horror film? Or a couple?

Tobias: My favorite ones… if I’m just going for like, for pure quality, it’s definitely the big cinematic releases like Jaws, Silence of the Lambs, Shining, Omen, The Exorcist, like the real films done by directors who don’t normally do horror films because that tends to get better that way. But on the other hand, I’m a big fan - from an entertainment point of view - of the more specialized like, genre directors. But those films have a lot of other qualities. It’s not techn- they’re not necessarily like, the best films.

[Someone in the background says “Mmhmm, like B movies”]

Tobias: Right! Yeah, yeah, yeah. That I really enjoy. Um, but yeah I mean I like a lot of the Italian like- old- like Fulci, like stuff like that. And not throwing him under the bus in any way, I think a lot of his films are fantastic, but they do not compare to Kubrick. It’s like a completely different level. So I sort of differentiate between like, here you have the “A grade”, big cinematic, fuckin box office success films, and then you have all of the cult films. They’re sort of two different things. And a lot of the things I grew up watching as well, that I have like a very fond memory of seeing, that I used to obsess about when I was a kid as well, like Friday the 13th and Texas Chainsaw Massacre is obviously – obviously that’s, even though it’s not a huge budget film, that is obviously very good. I think Terror - we say Terror in Sweden because it’s called Terror on Elm Street - but Nightmare on Elm Street, the whole Freddie series – especially the first four… three…. four films - I’d say is really cool. Every time I’m in LA I always swing by that, the house that’s on Genesee Street just because it’s like “there it is!”

[Someone in the background chuckles]

Nudge: Well I appreciate the time, man. Thank you so much for what you do. I appreciate it, and have a good show tonight.

#Tobias Forge #Cardinal Copia #Ghost #The Band Ghost

[angelatmidnight1]

You Got Out-Witted

I got the inspiration for this fic from this video plus my love for bad jokes and puns :D.

Summary: Mirage wants the last donut and sends his decoys on a secret mission to get it. He didn’t realize that Wattson already beat him to it and they spend the rest of the morning telling each other corny jokes. Mirage is a trickster for a reason, and believes that his jokes are funnier than Wattson’s, only to come to realize that there’s one joke that she knows about that makes everybody laugh.

“Bamboozles for the foozles, haha...oh boy.” Mirage chuckled nervously to himself as his decoy ran in front of him and, instead of running in a straight line, face-planted into the wall beside the kitchen. Ever since his gear got a huge update, Elliott was spending the better part of the morning learning how to better control his decoys. He was normally perfect at it because, well, he is perfect after all, but for whatever reason, he was having trouble getting the decoy to walk through a doorway. This would have been fine if there wasn’t something on the other side of said doorway: a warm, freshly baked vanilla frosted donut sitting all alone in a nearly empty box up on the countertop. Lifeline had gone out even earlier in the morning to surprise her fellow Legends with donuts from a nearby bakery and bought enough for everyone to have as many as they wanted. Gibraltar ate most of them, Caustic only had one, Bangalore opted out, and Revenant and Pathfinder, for obvious reasons, left theirs untouched. Loba didn’t have one since she hadn’t woken up yet and, since Octane managed to snag extra ones before making a mad dash out of the room, only one donut remained. “Anyone touches this donut whose name isn’t Loba,” He remembered Lifeline saying with her shock sticks drawn, “will be my new drum set!”

Mirage shuddered at the thought but shook it out of his system, his plan was foolproof. Not only was he getting in some practice with his decoys, which he totally didn’t need, his plan was to have the decoy go into the kitchen in his place to make sure the coast was clear. If it was, he’d go in afterwards and grab the goods before anyone could catch him. Then, if and when Lifeline found out that the donut was missing, he’d be in the clear, and he’d have one extra donut to celebrate his victory.  And who said he couldn’t work on his killer quips while he was on this secret mission? Just as he sent out another decoy, which was good looking, if he did say so himself, he heard someone giggle behind him. Elliott practically jumped out of his skin and spun around with his hands up, the decoy following his lead. He expected to see Lifeline standing there ready to use his beautiful, beautiful face as a cymbal, but saw Wattson instead. 

“Foozles...pfft, I like that one.” Natalie giggled as she took a bite of the donut between her fingers. Elliott looked at her, then the donut, and then back at her, the disappointment falling on top of him like a ton of bricks.

“Where’d ya get the donut, Nat?” Mirage tried to ask as casually as he could, feeling his lower lip quiver as the engineer pointed over his shoulder. 

“Mademoiselle Ajay brought donuts for everybody this morning. They’re délicieux~ (delicious).”

She responded happily , munching away at the treat until it was nothing but crumbs. Noticing the way he was looking at her,  her face fell and suddenly took on a guilty look that tugged at the trickster’s heartstrings. “Didn’t you get one?”

“Oh, nah, I didn’t...but, don’t worry! Don’t worry. I’m not supposed to eat sweets anyway ‘cause, ya know, carbs and all that. Gotta stay fit for the ring.” Mirage reassured her, perking back up to toss his hair and put his hands on his hips, which made her smirk. “So, ya like foozles huh? Came up with that myself.”

This made Wattson giggle again as she brushed the sprinkles off of her hands, nodding. “Oui, it is very clever. Oh! Let me tell you a joke I heard. Maybe you can add it to your repertoire.” She offered with an excited clap of her hands which made Elliott grin. 

“I don’t know, my jokes are pretty septact--setpact, setapcul---er, amazing. Show me what you got.” Elliott answered, following the engineer to the common room’s sofa and having a seat. 

“Okay! Do you wanna hear a joke about paper?” Wattson grinned, chuckling at the confused expression on his face. “Never mind, it’s tear-able!” 

Mirage blinked, then snickered, then finally laughed when he caught up to the punchline. “Oh I get it, tearable paper but it sounds like, hahaha, that’s funny.” He chortled as Natalie joined in on the laughter. Unlike his smooth laughter, Wattson’s was light and kind of squeaky. Once the two calmed down, Wattson gently pushed his shoulder and smiled at him eagerly.

“It’s your turn! Tell me one of your amazing jokes.” She demanded, swiveling her legs in an attempt to contain her excitement. Elliott smiled, Wattson was adorable, and he brought both of his arms up and hooked his hands behind his head so that he could properly lounge. 

“Alright, hey did you know spring was here? I got so excited I….wet my plants.” He quipped with some added finger guns for good measure. Wattson burst out laughing and crossed her arms against her torso, her nose wrinkling from how hard she was laughing. Elliot chuckled, finding her laughter contagious, and watched as Natalie wiped her eyes and beamed at him.

“You mean they were soiled?” Natalie wiggled her eyebrows and it was Mirage’s turn to split his sides. 

The pair’s dorky laughter filled up the common area of the dropship and found its way into various nearby rooms. After dishing out some more jokes back and forth, Natalie accidentally snorted and covered her face with her hands, hiding her bright pink face. 

“Say it again, say it again!” Wattson laughed, her voice muffled by her palms and Mirage, his ego soaring, sported a wide grin.

“Okay, okay. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?” Mirage smirked, watching Wattson’s shoulders shake with contained laughter. “Argh, Aye Matey.” 

Natalie shrieked with laughter and sunk into the side of the couch, letting another snort slip as she hid into the cushions. “You’re so funny, Monsieur Witt!”

Elliott chuckled and shrugged nonchalantly. “Yeah, I’m good, I'm good. But there’s two of me, so I’m good twice! Boom, check out that math.” He grinned as he summoned a decoy, fist bumping it before it immediately disappeared. Natalie’s laughter came to a halt and she turned to face him, blinking away her tears of mirth and raising a brow.

“Are you saying your jokes are better than mine?” Wattson pouted as she crossed her arms against her chest. 

“No! Well...actually, yeah. But I mean, look at you! I’ve never seen someone turn so pink.” Mirage teased as he poked at her cheeks and laughed when she pushed his hand away. 

“Arrête ça! (Stop it!) My jokes were just as funny as yours,” She whined. Mirage put his hands up as if surrendering but didn’t stop smiling. 

“Alright, how about this: I’ll say your jokes were half-good. They did make me laugh...a little bit. Okay?” Mirage replied and Wattson, still pouting, suddenly offered him a smile of her own. 

“Okay, Monsieur Witt. Maybe my initial jokes were ‘half-good’ as you say, but I have another that’ll make you laugh way more than a little bit. Wanna hear it?” She asked in a sort of a sing-song voice, scooting closer to the trickster with the bright look of mischief in her eyes. Mirage eyed her curiously yet didn’t back away even when she closed the distance between them.

“Sure, oh and you can call me Elliott. Keeps away the gray hairs.” He chuckled, flinching when Wattson suddenly pulled him into a tight hug. Mirage blushed and was thankful that she couldn’t see it but was now more confused than curious. Wasn’t she supposed to be telling a joke? “How do you make an octopus laugh, Elliott?” Wattson whispered. Mirage furrowed his brows and fidgeted in her grasp but she didn’t budge. 

“Uh, I don’t know. Sounds like that’s the sity-four, uh sixty fort….ugh, the million dollar question.” He stammered only to let out a surprised shout when she suddenly pushed him backwards. Since Wattson had already trapped Mirage’s arms to his sides when she hugged him, she had no trouble pinning them beneath her knees and keeping them there. The engineer dramatically lifted her hands in the air and wiggled her fingers with a huge smile on her face.

“You give it ten-tickles~!” She cheered before reaching under his arms and wiggling her fingertips against his armpits. Mirage dropped a high pitched squeak before dissolving into frantic laughter. 

“WHAHAHAT THAHAHAT’S NAHAHT A JOHOHOHKE!” Elliott screamed as he writhed against the cushions in a tickle-induced panic. Natalie beamed, happy that she caught the trickster off guard, and swiped her nails up his arms before tickling under his chin and the sides of his neck. 

“Yes it is! And it’s pretty funny, don’t you think?” She asked innocently, to which Elliott responded by whipping his head around and ruining his immaculate curly hair. 

“NOoohohohoh it’s NOHOHOHohohoht! THIHIHIHihihihs ihihihihs cheheheheatiihihihihng!” The trickster yelped, his laughter taking on different pitches as he tried to trap her hand between his neck and shoulder. Natalie wasn’t having it and moved her wiggling fingers to his sides, where he started bucking like a bronco and dipped into heavier laughter. Damn whoever made him so ticklish. 

“I’m not cheating, tickling is a part of the joke! And if the joke isn’t funny, why are you laughing?” Natalie smirked and, since he was wearing more casual attire (excluding his holo tech), she was able to reach underneath his shirt and squeeze his bare sides. Mirage flung his head back and convulsed with desperate laughter, kicking every pillow within reach off of the couch. “STAHAHAHAHAHAHP NAHAHAHATHAHAHAH STOHOHOHOHP!”

Natalie paused and, after pretending to think about it, she shook her head and went back to squeezing the trickster’s sides. “I have a better idea,” She replied, having to raise her voice over the sounds of his wild laughter. “Either you stop laughing at my terrible, unfunny joke, or admit that my jokes are just as good as yours!” 

“BAHAHAHAT I’D BEHEHEHEH LYHIHIHIHNHGAHAHAHAH!” Mirage wailed before falling back into a fit of laughter, barely hearing Natalie gasp and put on a mock offended look.

“How dare---you know what, fine! Then laugh it up, mon amie!” Natalie commanded, suddenly twisting a finger into his navel and delivering playful pokes to his abdomen. When she switched spots, Elliott’s laughter calmed down to giggles and he sputtered when she decided to alternate between poking his stomach and scratching at his bottom rib. 

“NAHAhahahahahteheheheh cohohohohohme ohohohohon! Truhuhuce! Leheheheht’s cahahahahall it a draaahahahahahw! Ah! I wahahahahnna truuhuhuhuhuhce!” Mirage snickered uncontrollably and flinched as she kept on poking, snapping his head upwards and searching her eyes for even the smallest ounce of mercy. Natalie shook her head, she was resolute, and she paused again to hover her hands above his sides.

“Non, no truce. Either stop laughing at my bad jokes, or tell me that they’re funny!” She demanded, smirking as he arched his back whenever her hands got too close. “Do it, or I’ll tickle you until you’re as pink as I was!”

Mirage didn’t answer her, too preoccupied with gulping down as much air as he could. Natalie waited for him to catch his breath and give her some kind of answer but, when he didn’t say anything, she narrowed her eyes and resumed tickling his sides. Mirage jolted and, since he nearly tossed Natalie up in the air, she reached behind her and squeezed the trickster’s thigh to balance herself, unknowingly causing him to finally dip down into hysterics. 

“NOOOHOHOHOHOHOH! NAHAHAHAHAHAHT DOHOHOHOHOHON’T! DOOHOHN’THAHAHAH!” Mirage screamed and kicked his legs against the cushions, his eyes shining with tears of mirth. Wattson looked at him, then his legs, before grinning and turning around so that she could face them. 

“Don’t what? Don’t do….this?” Natalie tilted her head and squeezed the trickster’s thighs eagerly and giggled as raw, unfiltered laughter spilled from his lips. “Or maybe this? Is this what you don’t want me to do?” She continued as she spidered her nails underneath his knees before returning to attack his thighs. 

Mirage tossed his head side to side like a crazy person as he laughed and laughed, his kicking fruitless as Natalie’s fingers kept on squeezing and wiggling against his hypersensitive legs.  Natalie pinched the spot where his thigh and hip met and he bucked with a snort, causing her to join in on the laughter.

“That’s a funny sound! Let’s see if we can make it again.” She smiled, continuing to lightly pinch the spot and laughing harder when he did snort again.

“AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH NAHAHAHAHAHTTHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA SAHAHAHAHAHAH!” Elliott shook with hysterical laughter with tears streaming down his cheeks. Natalie looked over her shoulder and stopped tickling, poking his thighs and knees at random intervals to keep him giggling.

“So? What do you think of my jokes, Elliott?” Wattson questioned, her nails finding the underside of his knees again and gently scratching. Mirage coughed out a giggle and breathed heavily, blowing loose curls out of his face.

“Hehehehe...y-you’re jokes are gohohohood. So gohohohood, mahahybe eehehehven behehetter than mihihihne.” He gasped, letting out a sigh of relief when she climbed off of him and pulled him up to give him another hug. 

“Merci, Elliott. I’m ex-static that we could agree, hehe~!”

#apexlegends #mirage #elliot witt #elliot witt apex legends #mirage apex legends #wattson #wattson apex legends #natalie paquette #natalie paquette apex legends #ticklish!elliot #ticklish!mirage #ticklish!elliotwitt #ticklish!witt

[soulvomit]

Want to know something annoying as fuck that happens in conversations with my mom? We’ve been to therapy several times over it, it’s unfixable, because she sees it only as my problem to fix and we wouldn’t have this problem if I didn’t talk so much? The first thing is that she corrects every word out of my mouth as I’m saying it. Basically... when we speak, she talks over me, then re-arranges my words to her liking.

Well... not every time, but practically everything I say is subject to severe nitpicking. This has gone on all of my life, where she would correct my grammar or ask me to reword something I was saying in a particular way. I feel like I have two whole ways I interact and speak: with everyone else, vs with my mom. I have to totally switch to a specific mode of interaction that literally nobody else in my life requires, just to interact with one person. When I’m talking to her, I feel this... pressure, that there are specific things she wants to hear, and like she gets mad when she doesn’t hear them.  Then there’s the way I have to clarify everything and back everything up. I’d come home with a story from school when I was a kid and get cross-examined about it.  (Both of my parents raised me to interact with adults. They figured they were teaching me to survive, that I’d deal with the adult world a lot longer than I’d deal with other children. But my mom was the worst at it. My dad was the patient one who would actually teach instead of get mad that I didn’t already know.) Basically, I had to speak not only like an adult, but also, like everything was a dissertation defense or legal deposition. My mom would actually correct my speech into the pattern she wanted it to resemble, make me speak it back to her, and make me cite sources.

Do you know how it’s common for people to say something then realize that’s not what they meant at all, so they backtrack and try to correct themselves? And that’s REALLY common in a NORMAL CONVERSATION? “Wait, no, that’s not quite what I mean. Let me explain.” Like... the very first thing that slips out is often something that needs to be refined and clarified or sometimes we need to circle back to an idea and build on it a little more. I think this is really common. I think it’s also really common that conversations are meant to be an exploration and allowed to have a certain amount of... flowingness... to them.   But in order to actually have this kind of conversation, you have to let the person finish their sentence and have to let them clarify their stance.  Here’s the problem with my mom. First off, I’m anxious in all of my communications with her, so I often sputter or fuck things up. I’m not always necessarily the clearest when I’m talking to her. There is an immense pressure to get every single utterance right with her that I don’t experience in any other setting. So sometimes I spit things out and then have to backtrack about what I REALLY mean.  This is the biggest problem. She reacts - the VERY MOMENT that words come out of my mouth. Her reactivity goes off generally by the 5th or 6th word, often before I’ve even finished a sentence. Then she gets angry if I have anything more to say after she reacts. That’s her cue to take over the conversation and dominate it and if I don’t play along, she gets mad. Here’s what makes me so pissed about it and how we get into this no-win fuckfest shitstorm over this. What if the thing she immediately reacts to, is not the point I was trying to make? Or it’s something I really need to clarify... or I realize that it didn’t sound, in my head, the way it sounds coming out, and that I need to “fix” it? I don’t get to. Imagine if the assumption she is making, is something that’s potentially damning or humiliating. She reacts to what she thinks I’m saying before I’ve even had a chance to actually say it. She RUNS AWAY with it and begins reacting and then gives me a long lecture based on what she thinks I was trying to say. She gets mad at me for trying to clarify my actual point because “YOU SHOULD HAVE ONLY SAID WHAT YOU INTENDED TO SAY FROM THE BEGINNING” or even “YOU’RE LYING/YOU JUST WANT TO GET OUT OF TROUBLE.” Or she accuses me of manipulating. She actually gets so angry that if it were anyone else I would assume they’re about to be violent. She’s not going to be, though, she just has poor emotional regulation.  She GETS MAD at me for not having a fully formed thesis right off the bat. Then she gets mad at me when I DO try to clarify my stance. And here’s the problem, my ego also gets involved: I can’t walk away with her actually believing I believe something as stupid as what she’s assuming I said. In fact, I don’t usually disagree with the things she’s saying, it’s often what I was actually going to say but didn’t get the chance to say, but did we have to go about this in this manner? Especially when she’s going to hold against me what she thinks I was going to say? POSSIBLY FOREVER? Because she does that. She never lets stuff go that gets in her craw - she will obsess forever about what she thinks I’m saying, if it’s something that set her off - so there’s always this pressure to get EVERY SINGLE INTERACTION *RIGHT.*  I don’t get a chance to ever correct myself or clarify what I’m saying, because she reacts the moment words come out of my mouth. She gets mad at the thing she thinks i”m saying. Then I end up in this thing where i end up yelling over her so that I don’t walk away leaving the impression that I actually believe the stupid thing that she heard me say, because I’d never gotten the chance to clarify my stance. (I don’t get into this situation with very many other people. Seriously, even with the dealings I’ve had on Tumblr. I get way way way more chances to either clarify or walk back with other people. Also, I’m not under as much pressure in my communications with virtually any other person so I don’t fuck up my speech as much with them.) And I often get more and more flustered and confused and my word brain just shuts down and it becomes HARDER to clarify myself and she’s yelling and I’m locking up in my head and eventually we are yelling over each other and slamming out of the room. 

We’ve been to therapy for this. We have been trying to fix this problem since I was a teenager.  In fact, my interactions with my parents are a big reason I used to think I was autistic, 

I don’t think it’s fixable, because she doesn’t think that listening to someone finish their sentence or allowing anyone else to make their point, is something she’s required to do with anyone. She is very rigid in hierarchic thinking, she only actually listens when it’s someone above her in some way, she has next to no self-awareness of her own behavior or how she comes off (which she is *almost* aware of), and she doesn’t think that she has to observe the same conversational rules with younger people that is considered polite with older people.  This is some kind of wiring in her brain.  And in fact when I was growing up, she complained all the time that I never talked to her about anything, she never knew about anything that went on with me at school, and she was jealous and resentful of the relationship I had with my dad because my dad (being the more nurturing parent) was the one I talked to about stuff. It seemed like... “I’m here all the time, I do all the work, then he waltzes in and it’s like I’ve done nothing.” Which is a common stay-at-home mom complaint about when the kids are really excited to see dad but mom is too tired from all the busy work to be Fun Mom. (And my mom would bring up this narrative whenever our issues came up, she has so many social narratives and tropes memorized to use as self-defense in conversations.) But the thing is, my relationship with my mom was quantity and not quality, and my relationship with my dad was quality and not quantity.  And it’s exactly because of how my mom interacted with me when I was younger, vs how my dad interacted with me. 

[vuelie-frost]

Living in the woods

aka, vuelie-frost verbally babbling why Elsa lives in the forest instead of Arendelle.  This is still a part of the ending that flickers my unease, even this morning after having slept on it. This isn’t a post to convince anyone, but literally just my own thoughts and processing. Hopefully by the end I’ll be more accepting, or even excited about Elsa’s development. I don’t like it, but it doesn’t mean it’s bad or the wrong decision. Separating the part of me that has desires (ie that Elsa would be queen in Arendelle forever and ever) and the part of me that recognizes cinema as a series of complex character arcs (ie what I desire might not actually be best, or in character) is REALLY HARD. But I posit it’s essential to interpreting media in a healthy way.  I 100% trust Jen Lee and Chris Buck, not because I idolize them, but because they so obviously care about these characters and this world. Maybe I’m too starry-eyed, but I don’t get the sense that they did this sequel for the cash cow. Now Disney execs probably pushed them in this direction for that reason (Disney is a corporation at the end of the day,) but Jen has stated that they didn’t want to make a sequel if there wasn’t a story to tell. They still felt parts of the story were left unsaid, and that’s why they pursued this film.  That said, the movie takes on a LOT, and I have a hunch that’s why it feels so fast paced. Not only is it a kids’ movie and therefore has to hold your attention at all times, but it packs in a lot of plot and character development into a short timespan. The sacrifice of a fast pace is the realism of some situations. Is it realistic that Anna would process her grief over Elsa so quickly? In the real world, no. Probably not. Is it realistic Elsa would so easily hand over the throne when it was something she enjoyed and was good at? Probably not. But (and the first movie had some similar issues too,) we have to suspend disbelief a bit. This isn’t exclusive to Frozen; it happens in all movies. You see it in small bits where someone hangs up the phone without saying “bye,” or when people make eye contact and something spoken goes unsaid. That doesn’t really happen in real life. But we turn a blind eye to those details because the larger purpose of the story is more important than those details. And as these details in Frozen are only rushed, not invalid or stupid, we can still accept them.  The idea that Elsa belongs in the forest/among nature is hard for me to accept, but again, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It just means my vision for her wasn’t what the writers thought was best. And the writers know her better than I do. They did her such justice in the first film and even in this film (her poor skills at charades? GOD RELATABLE.) I’ve often fantasied, albeit unconsciously, about the Elsa I’d like to see. I realize that in the 6 years since Frozen, I’ve loved the idea of Elsa as a mysterious, snow-bound sorceress type, living a somewhat solitary life. Still as human, flawed, and precious as ever, but becoming “larger than life” figuratively. Someone revered, respected, maybe a little bit feared upon first impression, but ultimately gentle and warmhearted. Loved by all. Feared by her enemies. (In fact, I write an RP character who is partially inspired by Elsa and partially an infusion of my own personality, and to my own surprise, this character is on that exact path. Unconscious channeling much?) Maybe.. that’s exactly what she is now. The fact that I’m uncomfortable with this just development testifies that 1) she feels out of my control, which makes me feel vulnerable, which makes me feel angry and 2) I’ve at least partially idolized her for her job (queen) instead of her as a whole person Note that I’m not using the reasoning of “she belongs with Anna all the time” as a cause for my uneasiness. This is more about Elsa as a standalone character than their relationship. One, I’m not an Elsanna shipper, so the physical dislocation of two siblings doesn’t scream “heartbreaking” to me. It’s incredibly normal to have family you love with your entire heart and not live with them full-time, if at all. Maybe it’s because I’m the oldest sibling and can see this dynamic more clearly. Two, Elsa could not step into her new role if she didn’t have the unbreakable support system that is Anna behind her. If there was ANY doubt of their relationship’s strength, I’m positive Elsa wouldn’t leave her baby sister to rule alone. It’s not that they don’t need each other. On the contrary, and perhaps paradoxically, they need the other so much that the epilogue could not come to fruition if their bond wasn’t ironclad.  I’m still going to miss Elsa as queen. I’m not..... totally unconvinced that she’s not still a “queen,” someone with political leverage in Arendelle, as she’s still its protector and a royal by birthright. It hasn’t been ruled out that they’re co-rulers, just operating in different spheres. I’m waiting for more interviews/podcasts with Jen that I hope will address this detail. If not and Elsa’s technically a princess again, that’s cool too. She’s still part of the royal family and therefore can’t be a commoner or anything. But I wonder why I’m so hooked on her status as a queen, and I realize: it’s just a role. It’s not who she is. I’ve enjoyed it for the inflation of my own ego- seeing someone who’s like me in a position of leadership and reverence is incredibly validating. Watching her walk with beauty and grace as a beloved queen lets me live vicariously. But I have a working hypothesis that escapism in fictional characters is actually our attempt to connect with the real world better. I’ve so badly wanted her to remain queen because it validates ME. It helps ME believe that someone with her set of quirks and nuances can succeed. The issue isn’t with Elsa abdicating the throne- it’s with me assuming that she’s not herself if she’s not in a position of power, and then it throws my own identity into question.  And it admittedly has to do with the ambiguity of being the “fifth spirit.” I was worried Elsa would transform into a spirit being, or ghost, or ethereal creature that was no longer human. That doesn't happen, to as much as I understand the movie (she transforms her dress, steps onto a symbol that unites the four spirits, and then unfreezes after the dam breaks.... but there isn’t some spirit-world complete transformation of her essence.) The part of her that’s magic IS inhuman, which is self-evident (no other human in this universe has magic abilities LOL), but that’s not to say she’s inhuman.  I’ve also mentioned that I interpret this role as descriptive, not prescriptive. She was a gift to Iduna and Agnarr from birth. This is who she was meant to be from day 1- the potential was inside her the whole time, manifesting in the form of ice magic. I theorize she’s awakened into the 5th spirit role, but it was never something where she had to change in order to become it. (Now deeper lore, like how a 5th spirit existed when Agnarr was a kid and what subsequently happened to it, is still a mystery. I’m interpreting it to mean that the 5th spirit is a role of unification, not a spirit in and of itself. And once the forest became trapped, it dissipated by definition. Elsa was born to fulfill that lost role again, OR to be the first physical catalyst to hold it. Not to mention Anna is imperative here as well- they’re both the bridge.) Someone else mentioned that since their mother was Northuldra, Elsa’s actually among her own people. This is important too, I think. Imagine if Elsa went back to the castle canonically after all that happens. They’d be leaving a huge part of their family history out there, not to mention Ahtohallan which Elsa obviously has a mysterious connection with. I think if Elsa did go back to Arendelle permanently, we’d be having similar conversations in reverse by claiming that she really does belong near Ahtohallan and in nature with the spirits. We can’t win. She belongs in both places- among her family & among her predestined purpose. And she’s able to come and go among them both whenever she’d like. That’s her true independence. She’s FREE, wholehearted and integrated. I also mentioned in a previous post my penchant for a savior complex, probably stemming from my own issues with codependence and infatuation. I won’t get too far into those here again except to say: I liked “needy” Elsa because I wanted to envision myself as the one saving her. That’s my own thorn. It originates from a total infatuation with her that I’m still working on letting go (ha.) But I’m sure I’m not the only one who experiences this. It’s because she’s a character so meaningful to me that I care so much about her, even to an unhealthy degree. I know she’s not real. I know the fantasy of knowing her and “fixing” her is irrational, weird, unfounded, and impossible. But that’s ME, not her. Show Yourself, which is beautiful and emotional, unexpectedly made me feel a little sad to know she’s no longer aching to find herself. Maybe I want that kind of certainty for myself, especially as I’m on the cusp of finding a new job & moving. Maybe it’s my unhealthy fixation on her that wants her to remain insecure so that I can feel validated as her “protector” (again, weird and irrational. I can’t explain my brain’s projections.) Maybe it’s not as clear cut as I want it to be, and I just need to- brace yourselves- let it go. ; ) Granted I still have reservations about her new role, like how someone who was pampered all her life & is known for her pose & grace will adjust to essentially camping 24/7, but those are details and inherently flexible. You can’t say she doesn’t belong in the forest just because she’s not acclimated yet.  Now what I feel a lot of people feel unease over is the loss of the first movie’s ending. And by that I mean, we have to disregard our previous headcanon that Elsa remained queen for her lifetime. I mean, we assumed that for 6 whole years and had all that time to flourish in our creative exploits built on that premise. So it undoubtedly feels a little dissonant to have a sequel that goes “nope, not true.” I think that’s normal, and it’s the kind of thing that becomes accepted with time. Shifting our mental framework of Elsa & Anna’s respective futures will take some getting used to. Again, it doesn’t make it a bad ending (you’re free to think that, of course! But something unexpected =/= something bad.) tl;dr vuelie-frost has a lot of feelings and concerns that are pretty indicative of her own issues, not the movie’s. Frozen 2 isn’t perfect but a lot of my grief could be alleviated by focusing on my own projections and expectations, and shifting my perspective to be more open and accepting. You know how people say attitude is everything? It’s annoying but it’s true. And I mean, I still love this movie and want to buy all the merch and draw Elsa endlessly, so my love for the franchise is obviously still THRIVING

#frozen 2 #frozen 2 spoilers #elsa #rambling

[the-lulu-one]

Your Life Matters

The way my personality works is that, unfortunately, I care too much; I care to a fault. I love everyone; black, white, tanned, rainbow coloured… It doesn’t matter to me if you have translucent flesh and come from outer space. I don’t care what your skin looks like and I don’t care where you originate from. I don’t care if you’re human, animal or plant. All living things are equally important in their own way. 

There are millions of people who feel the same way as I do. Unfortunately, they are the ones who go noticed because we are too busy focusing our attention on those who make the most noise. We allow the squeaky wheel to capture our attention and manipulate our emotions.

The problem with caring to excess is that these emotions can easily override my sense of what is actually real, which means I end up suffering for no reason. Additionally, as a result of failing to examine my own mental and emotional processes, I put myself at risk of being blindly led to fulfill the selfish agendas of those who really couldn’t give a shit about me (or anyone else, for that matter).

I found the antidote to my excessive care in the practice of an equal amount of reason and logic. I study the facts and then some... I examine statistics before I can allow myself to form an opinion on anything. It is necessary, and the only way to function as a “normal” person in today’s world where we are constantly inundated with information (not all of which is factual, and much of which is based on people’s egos and the desperate need to appear like a moral human being.) It is called people pleasing. Therein lies the danger of following the crowd – people’s motivations are hidden, even to themselves. The result is not good.

If this movement is not about an innocent man being murdered by a corrupt cop, but rather, a black man being murdered by a white man. If this is about the police brutality and the justice system being fundamentally racist. If every single member of these institutions (including blacks, women and those who identify as LGBT) are racist. Then why are black people attacking everybody, without consideration or mercy? Worse yet, why are we actively encouraging it?

Why are we saying it’s okay to behave like criminals, like crazy people? Why is it totally acceptable to destroy all businesses (including the mum and pop stores that are barely surviving as it is)? Why are we saying it’s okay for people to post stolen items on social media, knowing they have ruined the lives of families and children who simply do not deserve such injustice? What about those guys? And what does it have to do with police brutality and racism?

Why are we encouraging people to leave bricks outside protest areas, knowing full well they will be used for destruction? Some people are just a-holes and like to sit back with a bag of popcorn and watch people hurt one another. That is how they get their kicks and it’s sickening. They have no investment in the cause and could not care less about racism. They don’t care that black people are losing their lives in these protests (17 and counting…) and that they helped contribute to such a tragic turn of events. They sleep perfectly well at night, while families grieve. Why has death become the answer to death?

Let’s imagine something for a moment. Let’s imagine that the statistics which show that white people get it just as bad as black people are in fact correct. (The sources that support this statement are incredible if you wish to venture outside the echo chamber.) Not only would this mean the system is hurting everybody, regardless of skin colour, it also means that all those white victims of police brutality and justice system unfairness died in vain. (If we hate white people so much, that fact alone should suffice for cause of celebration. Because racism is not okay. Unless it’s towards white people, yes?)

Getting back to my point, if just as many white folks are suffering at the hands of authority as black folks, then the problem truly is about police brutality and corruption of the justice system. Can we at least agree on this point? This is our enemy, not each other. This is what we should be fighting against. But we are not doing that. We are making all white people our enemy, which is so pointless and absurd that it does my head in. Yes, racism exists in the world. Yes, there are ignorant people walking among us. This cannot be helped. People are racist and ignorant all over the world, not just white folk areas.

In fact, what seems obvious to me is is that white people are the ones who are learning faster than the rest of the world that racism is simply not okay. Clearly, otherwise our little hearts wouldn’t be so hurt and we wouldn’t be fighting so hard. We simply wouldn’t care. White people fought to help end slavery. Does anyone remember this? It was called the American Civil War. It is behind us now. Why can’t we accept this glorious achievement in history? Racism and slavery is still practiced in other parts of the world, such as Africa and the Middle East. Why aren’t we focusing our efforts on this little problem? There are open air slave markets in Libya. That stuff should have ended in the Roman times, but it hasn’t. Nobody bats an eye though.

Why? Because facts require the effort of research and once we reach the Truth, it is really uncomfortable to share it with others. Per chance we might appear “racist”. And right now, all white people are shoved in the same category of racist. We really, truly cannot escape the label, and we dare not try, because we are too nice. And too scared. So we just let it continue and take it from every angle, even if we know ourselves to be loving and kind people. Name calling is the only way some people can make their point and it is something that’s very much on-trend these days. That and hating yourself for being white. 

Because self-hatred isn’t the number one most damaging thing to mankind or anything, and we don’t struggle enough with it, as it is. There aren’t enough self-help books published to help us out of such a toxic mentality. Yes, more guilt and shame is what we need, even if we weren’t personally involved in the enslavement of black folks and even if zero people in our bloodline were involved in such a hideous way of life. 

Let’s just hate ourselves for being white in the name of “solving” racism, because that makes heaps of sense. Let’s not communicate or brainstorm actual ides for it, because that’s uncomfortable. Let’s just self-flagellate till the end of time, to prove what wonderful, caring human beings we are, and how much we love everyone, clearly, because we hate ourselves. No. Just no.

Calling one another racist should not mean anything anymore because it’s become such a common go-to insult, but unfortunately it still has an effect on our fragile sense of identity. Feeling triggered? Name call. Losing a debate? Name call.  Here’s the thing: name calling is not an argument. It is what little children do in the playground because they haven’t yet developed their emotional intelligence. It is not what adults do.

We cannot continue to make emotional noises with out mouth holes and call it an argument. But because tribe mentality is part of our human nature, it’s easy to worry about what people think because nobody wants to be rejected and cast aside at the end of the day. It just isn’t a good feeling. But here’s another thing: we should not fear insults, because it is just sticks and stones. Our fear should center around conforming to illusion and bad ideas instead.

Here is yet another uncomfortable truth: racism is not about skin colour. I should know, I had white Australians as well as Indigenous Australians tell me to “go back to my own country” when I arrived as a newcomer. (I hate the word “immigrant” so I deliberately use “newcomer” instead.) They showed me how intolerant they were of those who didn’t speak a word of English and didn’t fit in with the Australian culture. Regardless of me clearly feeling scared and alone, and trying my best to assimilate to a foreign environment.

* Which is more than I can say for some cultures who refuse to assimilate and want literally everybody to work around their value system by using their “cultural beliefs” as an excuse to get away with horrific behaviour, such as domestic violence against children and the “traditional” practice of repression of women. This is unacceptable behaviour and nobody should stand for it. But we do, because we don’t want to appear racist. At the end of the day, we should be protecting women and children, no matter what.

But getting back to my story, what I was shown by whites and non-whites alike was that I was not welcome because I was different. It was that simple. A brutal lesson. Unfair. And had absolutely nothing to do with my porcelain complexion. It had everything to do with a fear of “other” and an incredible ignorance and laziness of mind to boot.

The looting, theft and violence of the Black Lives movement needs to find a different angle, because it is not about justice anymore. One cannot receive justice through violent acts. One cannot force justice onto society by inflicting pain on the innocent. Therefore, I truly believe that what is happening here is a long-waited for excuse to behave badly and get away with it. And we are all for it, cheering on the protesters and handing them bricks. (Feeling triggered? Name call.) The truth sucks, I know. I almost want to name call myself. But we need to look at this issue clearly with both heart and mind, and not just heart.

It makes me wonder what hope we have as a society when even health professionals are actively putting people at risk by saying “it’s okay to protest in these times”, knowing that social distancing rules will be broken and many people’s lives are at great risk. These professionals are directly going against their Duty of Care for their patients and the code of ethics initially agreed upon when they started their doctoring, or whatever it is they think they’re doing. 

The idea of putting my life in the hands of doctors now terrifies me, because they too are not immune to pushing their agendas onto people, and they too are scared of looking like they don’t support the movement and are therefore racist (because that makes soo much sense!)  If we cannot trust our own health care experts to stop encouraging us to protest at any cost then who can we trust? https://funnyjunk.com/Only+protestors+will+be+getting+sick/jqdmMwd/)

Some of us support the destruction going on around us, not because we are bad people. But because we are sick to our stomachs that racism actually exists and we are letting our emotions run away with us, hoping it will make a difference. What we actually need to do is step back and look at the bigger picture from a bird’s eye perspective and consider all angles. 

However, those of us who love a riot (until it affects us personally, of course) should review our value systems and what we pass down to our children, who are the future. As well as check that we’re not actually psychopaths. That would be a good start. This is what freedom of speech looks and sounds like. If such a thing truly exists (as it claims to do) then I should be allowed to have my say, like everyone else and not be crucified for it. I value freedom of speech. I need freedom of speech. I will hear everyone out, no matter what their point of view, as we are all learning how to properly human in this fucked up world. I will never stop people from expressing themselves. Ultimately, I will check all the facts but come to my own conclusion. As it should be. If I am wrong in the way I am perceiving this movement, I welcome the challenge of my ideas. I don’t mind civilised and honest debate as long as it is not a screaming contest and based on actual facts. I want to learn as much as I can about the world and the human condition, and I will never stop exploring. However I do reject name calling and unnecessary put downs in the name of “being offended”. Because, newsflash! Everybody is offended right now. I am offended, you are offended, the entire world is offended. That doesn’t mean we have to walk on eggshells around one another until the end of time. Please, can we not do that anymore?

In fact, there is great danger in submitting to that sort of game, as Steven Fry would agree: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJKXJNM3W-c&feature=youtu.be

* For some comedic relief after such a heavy topic, here is Steve Hughes’ video on being offended too. It’s much more light hearted but ultimately makes the same point. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHMoDt3nSHs

I am a human being, like everyone else, and I want to live in a better world. I want future generations to have a better planet in which to thrive. This requires me to speak my mind and I expect the same courtesy returned. We are not monkeys anymore; we have evolved from that. Let’s leave the past in the past and invest our energies on further growth and evolution. Let’s communicate. Let’s debate. Most importantly, let’s invest our very souls in the Truth, by allowing the antidote to our vulnerable sense of empathy to be introspection, hard research and the civilised sharing of ideas. It is the only way forward. 

May it be so.

#black lives matter #black lives movement #offended #white lives matter #police brutality #justice system #protest #introspectiontime #love #slavery #politics #the system #freedom of speech #freedom of thought #free speech #evolution #human species #racism #australia #skin color #culture #mom and pop #riots2020 #covidiot #covid-19 #covid2020 #2020

[alicewritesthisstuff]

One year of being on tumblr

Ok, so I’ve been on tumblr for a little over a year and I really need to get some things off my chest.

So, I guess this is going to be what some would call a “rant”.

When I first joined tumblr, it was because of a dare. My best friend wanted me to post my writing online and I was pretty sure that tumblr was the “safest” place to do so - aka none of the people I associate with irl would ever find it, seeing as I’m over the age of 30 and live in Germany. Yes, I know there are a few Germans on tumblr as well, but they’re not exactly the kind of people I hold close relations to irl. Every time I actually mention tumblr to anyone, their eyes tend to glaze over and their most frequently used answer is: “huh?”

So, in short, I was confident that no one I’d ever get in personal contact with would read my writing, and that was quite alright with me.

I actually am a published writer, abide I write under a synonym and quite different things that I tend to publish on tumblr, so it’s not like my creative ego needed a boost - it only needed an outlet. Plus, missing her was driving me insane. It’s better now....most of the time.

It didn’t take long for me to stumble upon the eating disorder community here on tumblr. It always seems to find me, no matter where, and I don’t think that will ever change. I have approx. 20 years worth of personal experience with anorexia and bulimia and I’ve been working with people suffering from eating disorders for quite a few years as well. Some may call that hypocritical of me, but I’m very good at my job - because I know EXACTLY what’s going on in my patient’s heads. That makes me a pretty good person to talk to and I’m proud to say I’ve helped many people onto the road of full recovery. I’ve tried several times to do the same thing for myself, but that’s where all my rational sense tends to go out the window. I’ve been stable for roughly six years - ever since I became a mother - and I’ve managed not to get myself into a life-threatening state since then, but I’m not going to lie and pretend that I’m miraculously healed. There’s no coming back from an eating disorder once it’s turned chronic, and that’s another reason I’m so passionate about helping young girls (and boys) get out of this hell as soon as possible - they have no idea what’s in store for them if they continue down this road. None at all.

Anyway, I found the eating disorder community on tumblr and went through my usual inner turmoil of disgust, anger, sadness, pity and - yes - envy. I still get triggered by the bodies of pre-teen girls with tiny limbs and missing hips and bones running visibly beneath their pale, cracked skin.

It’s not that I find it attractive - I honestly don’t - but I know the state of mind that goes along with having that body (because I’ve been there more times than I could count) and I somtimes miss it, even if it did bring me to death’s door.

It’s not rational, but, like I said, rational thinking tends to go out the window when I let myself peak into the box in the back of my mind labled “ED - do not open or you will lose everything good in your life”.

First thing that deeply annoys me about the ed-community members on tumblr:

I will follow a girl for a couple of weeks, read their posts about losing weight, about comments people make, about their families starting to worry about how tiny she’s become, about being cold all the time, etc. and I compare it to my patients and think “that poor girl’s going downhill fast”....until she posts one of those ridiculous and heavily triggering “body check” pictures - mostly lying on their backs on matresses with arms stretched above their heads, like that won’t make pretty much anyone look “thin”, but more about that later - and I realize she’s at a perfectly healthy weight.

Now, I do realize you do not need to be underweight to be classified as having an eating disorder - remember, I work with eating disordered patients daily - but for ANOREXIA, there are certain symptoms that are stated as required to be diagnosed as such. And one of them is being underweight. However, there is such a thing as ATYPICAL ANOREXIA, which is not classified by being underweight, only by showing anorexic behaviour.

BUT - and I start to wonder if this might be a problem of our current first-world economic state - have our images of a healthy weight been so distorted that we now think that being a healthy weight is the same as being underweight?? Why would everyone comment on how thin you are and why would your family worry? Are we getting so used to seeing overweight people that that has become the new norm? I find this quite unsettling. I feel like this is mostly a problem in the US but it’s slowly creeping overseas to infest Europe. Great Britain seems to be having a pretty big issue with obesity as well - I was there to give a talk about overweight children to parents that were partly actually shocked when I told them their child is heavily overweight, they just did not SEE it because it seems to have become the new norm - and here in Germany, I see more and more bulging bellies as well.

So are we really getting so used to seeing overweight people that families actually start to worry about their child becoming normal weight?? And does that child then really start to see themselves as “anorexic”? This of course brings up a whole different issue - who is really the one with disordered eating and distorted thinking?

So, on we go:

The pictures...Of course, we all know that the “thinspo” pictures are triggering. And most of them are of A) Models, B) pre-teens or C) heavily photoshopped A&Bs...

Most people are aware of this, but the images still burn themselves into your brains and distort your vision for what is actually a slim, healthy body. That’s fucking sad, especially considering how young (AND NAIVE) most tumblr users still are. But I think that’s on the parents - there needs to be MUCH MORE control about social media usage and parents need to be educated about these things - also about eating disordered behaviour, which is another thing I actually do, and it’s scary how much parents actually DON’T KNOW.

This is also something I’d like to say to the young kids on tumblr cussing out their parents for being “emotionally abusive” or “mean” or “dumb” - you really shouldn’t say these things about the people that love you more than anyone else and are (and this goes for the vast majority of parents) only trying their very best to be there for you and raise you right. Show some fucking respect and be thankful they’re there for you. They HUMAN, they cannot know about every little thing going on inside your heads right now, especially if you’re not talking to them about it, and what you may feel is “emotionally abusive” is just a fucking normal comment, only you’re so damn sensitive in your puberty-state that you take huge offence and log onto tumblr to complain about how terrible your mother is...that’s childish and very unfair.

There are kids out there being emotionally and physically abused by their parents and that is a terrible thing, but PLEASE, take a moment to really step back and consider the situation and what YOUR part might be in it before blaming your parents for every little thing going wrong in your privilaged lives right now.

PS: My parents didn’t realize I had an eating disorder until I was hospitalized being 25lbs underweight. Because I fucking hid it, like most people with eating disorders do. And that’s a pretty common thing, so don’t blame your parents for not “paying attention”. Eating disorders LIVE off secrecy. Really, parents have little to no chance at all recognizing it in time to save their child’s live. It’s not their fault. You have a voice - USE IT. 

Something else about those “body check pictures”:

I get really angry at the girls posting these pictures (contorting into incredibly awkward positions to make sure a bone is sticking out somewhere) and titling them with totally unrealistic weight and/or BMI stats.

Like I‘ve mentioned earlier, I work with people with eating disorders, so I can pretty much tell you the BMI of any person just by looking at them (in my job quite useful but otherwise an incredibly useless and triggering “talent”).

So if there’s a girl titeling their pic with “BMI 16.5″ or something like that when they are CLEARLY somewhere around BMI 20...what the hell do you think that’s doing to those impressionable young girls looking at the picture?? Can you imagine them thinking “oh wow, if she looks like that at BMI 16.5 then I’d better aim for BMI 10″...can you even begin to realize how fucking DANGEROUS that is?? If you’re embaressed by your BMI to the point that you feel the need to lie about it, WHY MAKE THE POST AT ALL? Is it really so impossible for you to get validation for something else, somewhere else?

God, think about your actions for one fucking second, would you?

I get so, so angry about this, honestly, and I experience pure joy in reporting those blogs.

And lastly, and I know I’m pissing A LOT of people off with this - but then again, the whole post probably already pissed a lot of people off - the eating disorder community on tumblr is fucking toxic.

That whole bullshit about this being “a safe space”, “a place to vent” and “giving support to each other” is CRAP. The only thing running a tumblr blog about having an eating disorder and following other blogs about eating disorders does is make you spend even more time in the grasp of said disorder and sinking deeper and deeper into it.

That’s the reality of it and deep down, I think everyone fucking knows that.

You’re just making yourself sicker and sicker, and - even though I try to follow these blogs to offer help to the poor souls actually suffering - I really do hope they are all shut down once and for all.

I’m not stupid - like I said, I have 20+ years of being anorexic myself - there will always be an online community of poeple with eating disorders triggering the shit out of themselves. But you should at least be honest about it and not call it “a safe space”. Becuase there is NOTHING safe about a tumblr blog about an eating disorder. And I just wish people would finally realize that and stop fucking lying about it.

Rant over. Merry Christmas.

#personal rant #ana #proana #notprojusttagging #pro-recovery #anamia #mia #promia #bulima #bulimix #eating disroders #binge eating #eating disoder tw #anoreixa #anorexix #anorexya #skinnny #thinspiro #bones #bonespro #deprecion #self harn #self care

[goodvibesatpeace]

Death, Rebirth and Love: The Ayahuasca Experience

“Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world.” – Schopenhauer

The Ayahuasca experience was the most intense, spiritual, emotional, mind-blowing, frightening and loving experience I have ever had. Nothing could have prepared me for the inner journey I am about to describe. Because I believe I died. It was if my awareness that seems normally tied to this body shot loose and entered a world before unknown.

Ayahuasca, the ‘spirit vine’ or the ‘vine of death’, is a brew containing the Banisteriopsis caapi vine and Psychotria viridis or Diplopterys cabrerana leaves. The vine contains harmine and harmaline which are MAO-A inhibitors, and tetrahydroharmine which is a weak serotonin uptake inhibitor.

The leaves contain dimethyltryptamine (DMT), the strongest hallucinogenic known to man. Ingested, the combination of these plants lead to the uptake of DMT by your brain where it will alter your perceptions of reality. Many claim these are visions where the Ayahuasca spirit will talk to you, giving you knowledge about the, normally, hidden (collective?) unconscious psyche. Or so I was told.

With drugs like these it’s hard to extrapolate the meaning of your experience and use it for the benefit of your daily life, and so I was skeptical about what the insights could bring to me. Taking drugs can be a fun thing in itself, but I believe there’s a strong possibility that such an approach will lead to the devaluation of that same experience and the essential meaning will be lost.

If drugs change the frequency by which we perceive reality, we still need to have the right radio to understand the broadcast, and in this way ‘set and setting’ is, as ever, extremely important. The taking of Ayahuasca will inevitably lead, for most people, to vomiting and diarrhea, which is called ‘la purga’, meaning the cleansing of one’s body and mind. This is why the shamans don’t use the label of drugs.

For them, it’s been a medicine for thousands of years. Despite the latter fact of ‘la purga,’ my curiosity was raised to a point where I would say yes to undergo the journey if it ever crossed my path. Who would say no to some ancient, magic, spiritual, drug induced, puke and shit-fest that is also a medicine?

It all started with my interest in the link between psychedelics and spirituality, partly fueled by the book ‘DMT: The Spirit Molecule’ by Rick Strassman. For me, spirituality  is the experiencing of the spirit, the essence of which I call ‘I’. Different experiments in physics lead to a broader understanding of the objective outer world we inhabit and in exactly the same way different experiments in our own psyche lead to a broader understanding of the subjective world we also inhabit.

This has been my main drive to experiment with consciousness on a very personal level. It has led me to meditation, yoga, qi gong, floating, fasting, drugs, polyphasic sleep, lucid dreaming, astral projection and the most important of all, my daily live. Because in the end this is the reality you have to face, and finding your life in alternative states of consciousness can be just another easy escape to keep you from facing your true self.

I found out that two Peruvian shamans were visiting my country to give workshops on Ayahuasca healing. I asked two of my best friends to join me on this journey because I thought they would find it interesting and inspiring… and I was perhaps a bit afraid to go on my own.The workshop was a three-day gathering where we had an Ayahuasca session on Friday and Saturday. Sunday would be a day of reflection and relaxing.

When we arrived we met the shamans. Their faces, powerful, radiant, wise but most of all loving and kind. In our culture the role of the shaman has been long forgotten and it reminded me that we need them dearly. Elder shamans know the inner workings of the mind and the influence society has upon it. This knowledge of ‘what has been’ seems increasingly important in a world that is changing ever so rapidly. This is why I believe that it is important to reflect once  in a while on your role in the greater perspective of things.

Before we did the Ayahuasca we had to follow a strict diet and to avoid the following:

– sugar and sweeteners;

– chocolate;

– soft drinks and energy drinks;

– coffee;

– dairy products;

– salt, pepper, sharp spices and chilis;

– red meat (avoid pork 2 weeks before and after);

– fats;

– olive or coconut oil;

– alcohol and drugs (no alcohol-free beer either), 1 week before and after;

– ginger;

– ice cream, ice cubes or ice-cold drinks;

– bruised or overripe fruit, dried fruit and/or raisins;

– no sex, including masturbation;

– no perfumed or synthetic soap, body lotion or other toiletries, insect repellent lotions like DEET and others;

– preferably no medication, especially antibiotics and antidepressants, even St. John’s wort;

The intention of this diet was to make sure we got pleasure from within, not from without.

The Ceremony

Everybody in our group, eight total, except for the two shamans and the organizer, were Ayahuasca virgins. So on friday, the first ceremonial night, we all took a small dose of amazonian magic. It’s hard for me to remember much of the first night because the second one swept away most memories. But this is what I do remember. A little bit of nausea in the beginning followed by intense, bright visualizations.

Geometrical patterns that were swirling, changing, inter-twining and flowing. They were beautiful. After a while the philosophical/spiritual part started where it seems I got a hint of the essence of awareness.The best description would be that while I looked around everything looked back. I thought I understood it then but I quickly lost it, as it happens with most ‘insights’ on psychedelics. I had some personal ‘openings’. Situations where I agreed with myself to take more responsibility and stop being lazy.

Situations where I should show more empathy and less judgement. My sense of time was completely gone and it felt I just had a glimpse of a dream world that is inter-connected to our normal world. The biggest insight that night was at the end when several people were going for a second dose and a single brave hearted went for a third double dose. I immediately felt the urge to join them. To experience more and more.

There was some healthy fear and I took the time to think about what to do. I asked one of my friends of what he thought we should do and it seemed clear to me that what he thought wouldn’t matter and I would definitely do it anyway.

Why do I always need more?

Why is now not enough?

What is missing in this moment?

I couldn’t answer these deep personal questions and with the struggle for answers I felt the huge relief of ‘not-wanting’.

Death: Ayahuasca will turn every skeptic into a believer

The next day I was in a very good mood. I was really looking forward to what the plant spirit would reveal to me next. We started the second ceremony at nightfall. Just as the first night I went first. I stood up and walked to the shamans to get my, now double, dose of Ayahuasca.

It was thick green-black-ish and tasted a little sweet and sour. It reminded us most of the taste of liquorice, just not nearly as good. I went back to my mattress and tried to meditate and observe the other participants when they went to get their medicine.

Waiting, exciting, fearing, fantasizing…

After about 25 minutes it hit in. Much earlier than the day before or than any of the other participants. The visualizations were overwhelming. My stomach was screaming and my body erupted in cold sweat. I felt feverish and my thought was ‘oh what have I done now…’ Then the vomiting began. I was puking out my greasy, slimy ego. I was throwing up and screaming with such force that the best description would be a nuclear blast that ripped apart the fabric of everything that I ever thought was real.

Intense visualisation bombarding me from every direction with such speed; I couldn’t make sense of anything. Emotions erupting like a volcano. I could only grasp for air, thoughts were non-existent. My awareness wasn’t anymore connected to my body, the room nor to this dimension. Was it even mine to begin with? I was consumed by fear and loneliness. I can only describe this experience as pure hell, and even that seems a big understatement. My first thought after what seemed an eternity was how to get out of there.

Or to get there out of me. (Ayahuasca does that with you). Once I realized the complete horror I was in I couldn’t imagine an experience this cruel. I was telling myself I could handle it, which implies I wasn’t convinced. “I am strong enough to stay calm and to just observe without identifying with the pure evil I am experiencing”. Oh boy, what was I, the ego, wrong. It felt as if something was playing, no, toying with me. A puppet for their sick pleasure. It took me a while to find out I was not as strong as I believe myself to be. I was scared, lonely and lost.

Rebirth: It’s a shock

Slowly I started making sense of what I was experiencing. I took a drug, and as with any experience, this too shall pass. But I couldn’t shed the doubt: but what if it the experience didn’t pass? I still had no clue where my awareness was or how to get out but I was relieved by some moments of clarity where I had thoughts that contained some meaning. Total acceptance is to give up the infinite urge to control. So I did. And then, for the first time, I opened my eyes and saw the ceremony room, which gave me hope that I could fight my way out of it. I? No, we!

I desperately needed help to find my way back to common ground. The whole time I had my back turned from the whole group and was hanging over the puke bucket, which I immediately threw a couple of feet away from me when I realised that. I turned around only to find out the shaman had been singing a personal song for me since the purging started.

This little silent guy in daylight seemed so powerful and huge in the dark. I finally gave in and asked him for help. The biggest lesson I learned that night is that I can’t do everything by myself and one is only just as powerful as the support of the people behind him. I feel like I had to experience this to understand that it doesn’t matter how strong you believe yourself to be, opening your heart and asking for help is in many situations is the best thing you can do. The only thing that holds you back is your own ego, and fear and shame.

I once saw an interview with psychiatrist and psychonaut Stan Grof where he said he experienced being many animals and once even a plant! Utter bullcrap if you asked me pre-ayah. But when I let go of the me that was trying to control inner instincts took over. I felt like a hunted animal, a zebra if I must guess, that used all his energy to fight for his last breath. This feeling was very vivid and distinct and it was amazing. I’ve never felt anything like it.

Love: The greatest sin is not feeling love for your existence. To actually feel it and not to dabble in nonsense of what it means.

I stood up and walked, or more like crawled, to the organizer. She hugged me with a blanket and the warmth instantly made me relax and calm. I suddenly realised I was so cold. She said some soothing words and I felt a glimpse of love breaking through the madness. A small opening up, the relaxing of a grip. I was transported back to my youth and felt the love of my mother.

Then to the love of the organizer and the people around me. Then to just love, where human beings are an instrument to express it if they can open themselves up for it, trust it, have faith in it, love themselves for it. Love is the glue that makes us stick together.

There was a deep-rooted empathy for the natural world. I saw the interconnectedness of the world, I saw the air we breathe in and the food we eat becoming us. A child knows these facts, but when the magic is banned from our perception when we grow up and become ‘individual persons’, we tend to forget. We tend to forget that the trees are our extended lungs and the rivers our extended veins. This is not the right time to delve into the depths of consciousness, but as never before I felt connected to the earth that is our birthplace.

That there was something of me in all, and something of all in me. I felt the love for which nature sacrifices itself, offering their own lives for our benefit. And I felt the sadness and the disappointment by the ongoing abuse of natural resources. Where we don’t see the spirit in the forests and the mountains but see them as wood and ore, waiting to be mined and plundered for profit.

As of now, the earth is not yet swallowed up by hatred and greed. Humankind must transform to fit itself, once again, in the bed of Procrustes. I hope, this time, we have a generation that has no need for a war or a great depression to change. That this once, the force is not oppression from the outside but a liberation from the inside.

A generation that changes because we want to, because we finally listen to our own heart and the hearts of others. Where we finally understand it is our moral responsibility to care about our inner but also our outer environment. And I hope us HEthens will lead the way.

Since all this I’ve been living lighter and happier, the world has become dream-like with endless possibilities. The philosophical implications of experiencing an awareness not fixated on these forms are mind breaking and I am slowly opening up to what the sages, shamans and mystics of all ages have been saying since the dawn of language.

Will I do it again? I don’t know.

Much love to all... go in peace my friends

#spirit #spiritual #dmt #psychadelics #peru #ayahuasca #drug #my experience #death #rebirth #love #vine of death #spirit vine #hallucinogenic #consciousness #ayahuasca healing

[mixchronicles-futureboyfriend]

Dear Future Boyfriend – I’m NOT the Exception, I’m the Rule

I know it’s been a while since I’ve last written. I thought I’d found you… twice. But looks like both times I was wrong (which is rare… I know, I’m surprised too) so here we are again. I’m thinking for the future, you should wear a name tag. “Hello, My Name Is Future Boyfriend” – you know, something super clear.  Or maybe a T-shirt, “If Lost Please Return To…”  - insert my name.  Either way we’re going to have to get you some identification.  That way you’re not mistaken for illegal and Trump, trumps my chances at happily ever after… BTW if you are illegal, Future Boyfriend just DM me.  Trump only uses twitter (which is probably because he’s old. I’m sure he has a MySpace page as well) so your secret is safe with me.  We can expedite your green card, by skipping past Future Boyfriend and jumping right to Future Husband status.  Oh, but can you do me have a sexy accent? Like a French one?  Actually, I once dated a guy with a green card, who spoke French… what a waste of a good fantasy. Let’s make it Aussie.  

Anyhow, like any normal woman who suffers two failed dating experiences with guys who are emotionally unavailable, I quickly turned to blaming myself. Clearly something is wrong with me. Why do I keep finding myself in this same situation?  So, I took a deep (not too deep) dive into my dating history over the past couple years, dusted off that one sociology class from college (the one I took where I discovered that most sociology majors were women, who were really there to major in Finding a Husband 101…. I totally should have paid more attention) and began lining up the common denominators.  What was I missing?  What daddy issues was leading me to ignore the red flags, warning signs and cautions lights beaming on every guy I’ve dated. So, I generated a list. What did all of these guys have in common? It wasn’t appearance or personality. From hermit to ham, lay out the color wheel, I’ve dated them all.  Was it ambition? I do enjoy a nerd and a guy with a hustle, but I also live in LaLa Land, where grinding and hustling can be as strenuous to some as waiting in the drive through line at Starbucks for an iced caramel cloud macchiato.  Actually, I take that back… those lines can get pretty tiring. Especially during the holiday season. What is really happening? Is Santa frothing those drinks himself back there?  After several hours of evaluation, a couple group sessions on relationships in the modern world, brought to you by Meet Up, and countless hours of gabbing my girl friends’ ears off, it finally occurred to me – I wasn’t missing anything, maybe it was just me. Ouch, slight blow to my ego.  Here I am thinking I’m the whole package and guys are returning me to sender.  Fail.  I mean it’s clear they are not the smartest of guys, but still a fail nonetheless. I couldn’t deny history. The one thing that every guy I dated had in common is they all said some variation of “you’re not like girls I usually date.” Now I’ve watched enough movies to know that’s usually the starting line to get my pants off, but who says I need lines… kidding, really, thanks to my bestie’s topnotch P.I. skills, by the time I date someone I usually have a completely background history of their ex or exes (she’s really freaking good. Hire her) – and these guys are usually right.  I’m nothing like the girls they date.  For them, I’m as unique as a unicorn. From physical - to emotional - to personable, I’m often something they’ve never encountered.  Intriguing in the beginning, but often frustrating by the end. Because conflict is created when a person tries to mix different with typical.  And I’m so not typical. I’m goofy, quirky, funny and annoying. But I’m always honest.  I’m also not going to think everything you say and do is cute and perfect. But I’m patient and I’ll work through it with you.  So, Future Boyfriend, I guess I’m saying, I’m not interested in being your exception, I mean, it’s apparent you don’t have it all figured out either, so how about you just elevate your standard. After all, what guy doesn’t want a girl who makes them better… duh.

Xo,

Mix

#dating #rules #exception #french #Aussie #Relationships #exes #breakup #dearfutureboyfriend #mixchronicles

[sportanime-maniac]

Request!!

so can you write a scenario about how kuroo is getting on a flight back home and he ends up sitting next to a girl he doesn’t know(the reader😱) and they start up a conversation and realize they have tons in common and they live in the same city and they just talk the whole plane ride. then when the plane lands they leave the airport together and go out on a date or something??

Ok, so it's slightly different to what you asked, but I'm going to make it so they've actually met briefly before if that's ok. The outcome will still be the same though! :D

Kuroo always loved visiting his family in Australia - it was his yearly holiday, as well as restbite from the family he called the Nekoma Volleyball Team. As much as he loved them all, he could not bring himself to be with them 24/7, 365 days a year. The one thing he didn't particularly like was the airports and flying. Sure, he could speak English, and read it, but it was difficult when so many people spoke the language so fast and with so many different accents. (Trust me, people from the north of England cannot be understood by the people from the south of England because of the accents.) He checked in, put his luggage through, and went through security, sighing. 'The difficult part was over' he thought to himself, buying some water and food for the flight before going to his gate.

Shortly after, he got onto his flight, and sat in his seat. It wasn't a big plane, so there were only four seats per row, rather than six or nine. He sat on the aisle seat, waiting to be asked to move. He waited for a few minutes, before someone stopped next to him. He looked up, and in mild surprise, saw someone of his own nationality. He hoped she spoke Japanese, but didn't hold any expectations.

"Hi, um my seats the one next to the window," she said, in Japanese, and he sighed in relief, before moving and noticing she had quite a big bag.

"Do you want me to put that up here?" he asked, pointing to the overhead locker.

"Oh, yes please, thank you," she replied gratefully, and slipped into her seat. As he put her bag in the overhead locker, he couldn’t help but notice the volleyball keyring on it. As he sat down, and put his seatbelt on, he spoke,

"I'm glad that I'm not next to an Australian. It's difficult to understand them sometimes," he admitted. She grinned, and he noticed just then that she was probably a similar age to him.

"I agree. Although I can understand them, it takes all my concentration," she agreed. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself, my name is ___," she bowed her head.

"Kuroo, Kuroo Tetsuro. That's a pretty name though, ___...-san?" he said, asking about the honorific.

"Thank you. Just call me ___. Honorifics are too formal," she told him. He nodded. He was about to speak again when the air host started explaining the emergency procedures. Next to him, he noticed the female yawn. She glanced over to him, and started mouthing the exact words, and doing the actions of the plane employees in an eccentric, slightly camp manner, to which he grinned. She obviously flew a lot, which he could relate to. After the announcements, the plane started moving at a taxi around the airport to the runway.

"Do you like flying, Kuroo-kun?" she asked, popping a piece of chewing gum in her mouth to help her ears pop when they got in the air, and offering a piece to him. He accepted one, thanking her.

"Well, I don't dislike it, but it can be a bit unnerving," he told her. She chuckled.

"I agree." They were silent for the take off, both watching out the window, saying their silent goodbye to the land of Kangaroo's and Christmas' in summer.

"___?" Kuroo asked.

"Yes?"

"Do you like volleyball? I noticed you had a keyring on your bag," he said, excusing himself from the embarrassment of the extremely random question.

"Like it? I'm a manager for my university," she told him. "I'm a first year, and I was a manager in high school too. I just love to watch it…" she said, remembering the last game her team had played.

"Oh! You're only a year older than me then. I play volleyball at my highschool, and I totally agree that it's an amazing game to watch," he told her. They spoke about their respective high school teams, and how awesome they were.

"Which high school were you at? Kuroo asked, out of curiosity. (Just go with this please.)

"Fukurodani," she told him. He just stared at her as though she was an alien. "What?" she asked him cautiously.

"You're kidding right?" he asked.

"No…why?"

"So, do you know Bokuto, and Akaashi?" he asked. Her eyes lit up.

"Wait, you know those two as well?" she asked. He laughed.

"I go to Nekoma," he told her. She frowned, and thought back to the many training camps, before it clicked.

"You're the time delay attack kid!" she said, before going red and apologising. He laughed.

"Is that the best nickname you can come up with?" he asked. She grinned.

"Oh shush. You probably don't remember me, do you?" she asked. His grin fell a little.

"Not really. I was too busy trying to beat that hyper owl," he said. She chuckled.

"Don't worry about it. This is such a weird coincidence though," she shivered, a little weirded out. Over the course of the flight, they played cards, spoke about random topics, nerded out, and made consistent jokes. It was probably the most enjoyable flight either of them had been on. Kuroo went to the bathroom just before the descent was about to start, but when he came back he had a small frown on his face.

"Why do they have frosted windows in the aeroplane bathroom? Who's going to be looking in at 30,000 feet?" he muttered to himself. ___ heard this and chuckled.

"If this were a submarine, I'd say a diver, but I really don't know," she thought about it. They were both way too perplexed by it.

"Why are we even thinking about this? That's so random," Kuroo shook his head, chuckling.

"Well, random is my middle name," ___said, grinning. He shook his head. Over the past few hours, they'd gotten quite close, and Kuroo noticed that he found her really easy to talk to. She hadn't judged him once, for his puns, accidental nerdiness, or his over obsession with volleyball. In fact, she was pretty much the same. He was glad that she was quite open to teasing and jokes made at her own expense, just as much as he was. She had teased him about his hair, while he teased her about her height, which they both just laughed at. Their mood was going down just as the plane was, and they both realised they didn't really want to say goodbye to each other for good at the airport.

"Hey, ___? What do you say to meeting up sometime?" Kuroo asked as the plane landed. She looked over at him in surprise, her eyes not hiding the fact that she'd thought about the exact same thing, before she grinned, a glint appearing in her eyes.

"Are you asking me on a date, Kuroo Tetsuro?" she returned the question. As she did, he realised that asking her out on a date was exactly what he was doing.

"As a matter of fact, I am," he replied. She didn't fluster or fault, but chuckled.

"Then of course I will meet up with you sometime…for a date," she told him. Most girls he spoke to got flustered, or sometimes even couldn’t talk, because all they knew him as was the captain of the volleyball team. ___ hadn't done any of those things. She was just as dorky and awkward as him, but had the same amount of confidence as he would have expected from someone who used to have to babysit Bokuto. Someone without a small ego, or masses of confidence could never do that.

As they walked through the airport at arrivals and went through passport control, ___ wrote her phone number down and gave it to him.

"Let me know when and where, and I'll be there. I wouldn't be opposed to a conversation now and then too," she told him. He chuckled.

"As you wish," Kuroo said. They both grinned, and said farewell, but they both knew it was only temporary, as they both wanted to see each other again as much as the other did.

___ got into a taxi, and told him directions to her flat. As she turned off aeroplane mode on her phone, she got several texts. Two from her mother, one from her best friend, and one from an unsaved number. She replied to her family and friend first before opening it with a small smile and blush on her face.

If you hadn't guessed, it's your sky high guy. She laughed. Even though it was so cringe how he started the conversation, she couldn't help but love how he broke the ice so easily, and removed awkwardness from any situation.

That's the name going in my phone now, and you're just going to have to deal with it, until you come up with a better one, she replied. A few seconds later, her phone buzzed again, and she opened the message.

Then I guess we'll have to go for that date sooner than later, otherwise I'll be stuck with it.

It was only a few days later, and they had both just about recovered from the flight, when they met up in Tokyo. Neither of them had actually seen the other in their natural environment, since you choose comfy clothes for flying, rather than your favourite ones if you're smart. ___ arrived at the meeting point on time and looked around, to see the male she was looking for standing against a wall. Grinning, she walked over.

"Hey, sky high guy, it's good to see you again," she greeted, and he laughed, his normal hyena laugh, which was infectious and made the female grin too.

"Alright, we're going to have to change that," he told her, as he looked her over. He wasn't really bothered about how a girl looked, since he had basically already fallen in love with her personality. When he had got home, he messaged his brOWL, and told him who he'd met, and Bokuto gave a very accurate description of the female he had met, as well as more.

"She's feisty, and competitive, so if you challenge her, prepare to lose," he said, and coming from Bokuto, who almost always won everything he set his mind to, that was high praise.

"How about we go for some food, and then go to the arcades?" Kuroo asked, and he physically felt her eyes light up at the challenge.

"Sure, where do you want to eat?" she asked; her voice not betraying the fact she really wanted to kick ass in the arcade.

"Wherever," Kuroo replied. She laughed.

"Then I'm just going to be honest and tell you that I'm quite happy going to get takeaway grease food," she admitted. Kuroo realised that he already related too much to this female already, and laughed.

"Then takeaway it is. Let's go," he said, taking her hand, and off they went, on their wonderfully relaxed date. They didn't need to be formal, nor did they need to hold up to any expectation, as they'd already seen each other in an aeroplane. What could be a better way to meet someone, since they're obviously not on the lookout for someone to date, so they're not putting any effort into anything. It was perfect, and anyone who saw the two together agreed.

#kuroo tetsurou #haikyuu!! #kuroo tetsurō #private request #thank you! #i loved writing this #enjoy!

[gabriellapatterson-blog]

Side fic: STRESS 

A/N: Thanks for the RP @benjaminschreave

I laid in bed agonizing. What was wrong with me lately? At breakfast small talk with Wyatt was making me more nervous. I had a feeling hazel thought something was up so I made a period joke to try and brush it off. Wyatt had overhead and made a face like in the dad disappointed vine.  That won’t work for too long but at least it gives me a week to figure things out.

After running into Wyatt this morning I was starting to feel calmer. I had total control of the situation. I was the only one who knew what had gone down so if I could just focus on Ben and forget about it I could smoothly move past this weird dream thing.

I sighed and stood up from my bed, deciding I should go see Ben to see if that helps. I made my way up to his room and stood in front of the door. I took a deep breath in before realizing I had no reason to come and see him. What am I supposed to say if he asks why I’m here? Would saying just to see him sound suspicious?

I looked down at my feet as I thought. Got it, I’m here to show off my walking. I knocked on the door before speaking up, “Hey Benny boy! it's gabby!” I announced.

“Shouldn’t you be resting?” I heard him reply back from inside the room as he walked over to the door.

“Nope. I have /renewed skills/.”

Soon he opened the door with a raised eyebrow which caused my own to twitch as I thought about Wyatt, “Are you a superhero now or something?” Common Gabby just focus. Ben. Ben. Ben.

I grinned as I looked up at him, “I thought we long since covered that I already am a superhero because of my amazing guns.” I joked and leaned against the doorframe.

“But nope. I'm here because I have remastered walking.” I added to clarify the real reason.

“Annnnd you’ve come to show off your walking?” He asked as the corner of his mouth lifted a bit.

“Yup. I'm very proud. I was able to stay in bed the whole time, more or less. No rule breaking. But my ankle is now fully functioning- well fully functioning for walking still can't do sports- but still. Pretty averagely working and has made it so I can't wear heels.”

He looked down at me seeming amused at the recent height development, “Hm, I think I like the no heels look.” He said and took my hand closing the door behind him as we start walking somewhere.

“It's for sure more casual for me. Granted I do miss the feeling of superiority that having heels made me feel. Do you mind if we stop by my room I forgot to bring your birthday gift which I still haven't given you.” I hadn’t gotten around to the gift giving with all the attack and bed rest stuff.

“Not at all. Residual gifts are always a must.” He replied with a chuckle, “I don’t think those heels offered you much superiority though.” He added.

“Still they made me feel more superior to myself at my non enhanced height. You don't know the agonies of being a little bit below average.”

“When I was ten yes. That was the year Wyatt had a growth spurt and was taller than me for a while. Not a happy camper.”

I chuckled a bit and grinned at the idea of the unhappy camper Ben. “Is that why you like to loom over him now? Get revenge for your childhood trauma?” I joked.

“That and it boosts my horrible self esteem.” He replied with a smirk.

“What is wrong with you Schreave boys and your self esteem? I talk to Wyatt and hes like "I'm a horrible rude human" talk to you and its like "I bully my brother to make up for my lack of self esteem."

He burst out laughing at my question and talked through it, “I’m /kidding/.”

“Oh.” I chuckled a bit at myself for having taken it seriously, “Well, that's good at least. So I assume then that your self esteem is perfect. Though not as perfect as mine because no one else is.” I added.

He laughed a bit more, “Incomparable.” He then paused, “I honestly can’t speak for Wyatt though. He’s very contrasting.”

“I wouldn't expect you to. If I were asked about my sisters self esteem the only one I would know is Elli because she's 8 and an open book. Riley I'd just have to make a wild guess at.” I then gave a dramatic gasp, “Am I an open book?” I asked. Yeah right. You have to be at least somewhat closed or else everyone would know about the dream.

Should I tell Ben? Was I cheating by dreaming about kissing wyatt? I mean it’s not like I want to kiss him, ew. But still it was there? Is it unethical if I don’t tell him?

“I’d say so. Very very open.” He replied with a slight chuckle.

“Oh no. There's no mystery. I'm not a suspenseful character. Or maybe that's just a front? I could have some super secret wild side business that no one would suspect me of because they assume im an open book.” I joked rambling a bit with my side business comment to try and cover up any awkwardness from thinking about the dream.

“You’re starting to accumulate many side businesses.” He said and gave me a side glance.

“Oh right there's already the side business of managing your cheering up, plus i have my alter ego of a superhero, now I have a shady undercover business. No idea how I'll manage it all.”

He squeezed my hand, “I think you’ll be able to come up with something.” I felt bad but the hand squeeze just made me want to pull away. Was this what it was like to fall out of something? Mostly normally but just a small thing here and there that you want to run from.

“Need an agenda or something. Lists are always very helpful. They were probably the only way I made Bs in high school. Lists of what to study.” I replied actually pretty proud of my Bs.

“My methods probably wouldn’t help. Random sticky notes stuck everywhere instead of an actual organized list.”

We kept talking until we made it to my room. I walked over to my desk and opened a drawer on the bottom and pulled my gift for him and help it close behind my back. “So first for context, this is supposed to be a reference not a threat.” I warned.

He tried to look over my shoulder, “Okay sure.”

“Don't use your height to cheat.” I said and stepped back closer to my desk, “Close your eyes.” I added. Now he had to wait even longer to see it because of that cheating.

He grinned while closing his eyes and crossing his arms, “It’s not cheating. I’m using my skills to my advantage.”

”Uh huh, whatever you say. Cheater.” I said before stepping forward and uncrossing his arms to put a chamomile scented candle in his hands. Referencing him telling me he was allergic to chamomile but not the scent so I was free to get him all the candles I wanted. I had said that would be threatening but decided to anyways.  I then took a few steps back, “You can open now.”

He looked down at the candle and laughed, “I really do think this is threatening.”

I chuckled, “Well, you're the one who suggested it so I feel no remorse on the threatening. But you see now when I could not have given it to you at the ball though it also could have been useful during the attack since a candle is pretty hard.”

“I prefer it to relax than a weapon.” He said and leaned down to kiss me. That didn’t feel weird. What’s up brain. Squeezing hand it weird, cheek kiss isn’t? Do you want Ben to become my gay best friend or something? “Thank you.” He added.

“You're welcome. It should be useful for relaxing. Speaking of which how has your sleep been lately?” I asked.

He lifted a shoulder, “As good as it can be. I’m pretty busy.”

“Just try to get as much in as you can. More than 6 hours a night at the very minimum. Aim for 8.” I sighed. I sounded like my mom, ew.

“I’ll try.” He said with a small smile, “You’re right, your walking is much improved.”

We talked for a bit longer before I decided I should test the waters again. Flirt just a bit and see how that feels. I waited until an opportunity presented itself. We somehow ended up on the topic of if I had studied him which shockingly I had, though it wasn’t like I paid attention it was in like first grade.

“Maybe I should study you. I mean I've already got your weaknesses down. Strengths are looks, obviously.” I added after having just again called him out on his lack of self care.

“/Obviously./ But what about my charm? Intellect? Uncanny ability to lose my glasses every five seconds?” I laughed at him losing his glasses so frequently but suddenly got an idea for flirting.

“Charm? You have /that?/ I had no idea.” I replied stepping a bit closer to him and rising to my tiptoes so our faces were closer. I jokingly examined his face, “You do have a pretty cute nose. That's probably underrated.” See this doesn’t feel weird. It feels fine.

He wrinkled his nose, “It adds to my charm right?”

I chuckled, “Such a Prince Charming.” I replied before leaning in and going for a kiss.

On the impact of our lips it felt different. I liked it for a second, then it felt weird, almost forced, I was clearly too in my head. As we were about to pull away I panicked for a moment as the horrific thought came to my head that I almost wished I would pull away to see Wyatt.

I chuckled a bit to myself trying to act normal, “Prince charming.” I repeated the nickname trying to push back the thoughts in my head.

We talked for a bit longer but my head wasn’t in it at all. My chest was pounding and I just kept thinking about Wyatt. I don’t have a crush on Wyatt. He’s rude and does that stupid eyebrow thing and he’s a dork. I /do not/ date or even have crushes on dorks. I’m a super cool fly cheerleader, or I was one. I should be focusing on Ben. He’s much more my taste. He’s funny and nice and sweet. He’s a good boy and I should focus on him not be having dream affairs with his brother.

Once he left I flopped down onto my bed and took a nap. I hated all of this. The thinking and stress. The fading of my relationship with Ben which I was trying desperately to hold onto. I was here for Ben. I liked Ben. I don’t care what my stupid brain says. That’s just hormones. I need to think and follow my logic.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #468

“recollect me, darling, raise me to your lips  /  two undernourished egos  /  four rotating hips”

Have you ever seen a queen bee outside its hive? I wouldn't know. What comes to mind first, when I say “indie”? The music genre. Have you ever used Duolingo? I have not. Do you think number 13 is unlucky? No. Do you watch any old films? If so, name a few of your favourites. Through all the years in school and reading classic novels, we would usually watch the movie afterwards, so I've seen a good number and understand why they're classics, like The Outsiders, A Raisin in the Sun, Steel Magnolias... Who are some of your classic era film actors and actresses, if any? I don't know enough, honestly. Do you have any novelty ice cube trays? No. What radio station do you most often listen to? I don't listen to the radio. Have you ever been in a Catholic confessional? Yes, because I was raised Roman Catholic, and it was routine to go occasionally. Those things are so awful. Who was the last non-relative you rode in a vehicle with? Oh wow, I don't know. What movie are you looking forward to coming out? HOCUS POCUS 2!!!!!!!!!!!!! :') What color was the hair of the last person you kissed? HAHAHA he's gonna fuckin hate me for this. He has black hair, but with a bit of gray throughout already. What letter does your last name begin with? D. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Yep. Do you regret it? Nah. Who was the last person to buy you a drink? You're talking like, a drink drink? In which case, my mother. Who was the last person to buy you dinner? Girt. How old is the oldest person you’ve dated? Idk exactly how old Juan is, but he's probably the oldest? Of the ages I actually remember, that'd be Girt; he'll be 28 next month. Have you ever found a bug in your food? omg noooooo Do you ever read things you wrote as a kid? What were you like? Fuck no, I'd cringe into oblivion. Your boyfriend's birthday is coming up, and you’re totally broke. What do you do? ... Was this written directed at me??? lmao I'm thinking of just trying to draw 2B from Nier: Automata since she's to him what Pyramid Head is to me, ha ha. Would you be content to turn out just like your mom? In most ways, no. If you could pick one topic for everyone in your country to learn more about, what would you pick? Uhhh... Well, it'd be boring as all fuck hell, but I guess politics. Be actually educated on what's going on in the country and vote more wisely. How do you feel about people your age having children? I'm 25. It's normal, and advisable before 30 anyway before the risk of birth defects and problematic pregnancies rise. When was the last time you were at a park? Jeez... the very beginning of this year, I wanna say? I was taking family pictures for someone. Do you feel like going to funerals helps you in the grieving process? I haven't been to nearly enough to know. Especially as an adult. How do you feel about the whole organic food craze? I'm not educated enough on this to have a proper opinion. Who was the last person you heard snore? My mom, at some point. Is there a TV show you’ve wanted to start watching but never gotten around to? Even though I don't really watch TV, there are some I'm interested in, like The Witcher. Have you ever worn something out in public that made other people stare at you? Oh god, I would avoid that so hard, so probably not. Do you ever make an effort to look stylish or fashionable? Or do you not care about that? I really don't care. I wear what's comfortable. When was the last time you were in denial about something? What about? Idk. Have you ever worn fake eyelashes? If not, would you ever try wearing them? No, but I probably will for my hypothetical wedding. Is there any certain style of architecture you really enjoy? Yeah; Roman, for one. I should be able to list far more, having taken Art History, where architecture played a big part... When’s the last time you made the best of a bad situation? Hm, I dunno. If you watch Parks and Recreation, who is your favorite character? N/A Do you listen to Fall Out Boy? Yeah, they're great. Have you ever been skiing or snowboarding? No. Have you ever forged a note for something at school? No. Are you a YouTube addict? Oh, for sure. I'm always on there. Have you ever found a four leaf clover? Many, actually! It's funny, at our old place, the day my father abandoned my family, I found an actual PATCH of four-leaf clovers right outside. I doubt it meant anything, but it was still cool. From that year on, that spot always had lots of four-leaf ones. Are you good at lighting fires? I wouldn't know. I'm scared to. Name someone who is an excellent listener? Sara. <3 Would you mind living to 100 years old if you were in semi-decent health? Define "semi-decent." If I could still care for myself fine, then sure, I guess? 100 still seems pretty... bold for me, though. How did your parents meet one another? They were co-workers. When's the last time you got heartburn? What do you think caused it? I haven't had it in a while because I have to take a prescription antacid. It's embarrassing to admit, but it's because of my weight; chronic heartburn is common for people of my size. I know for sure that it's the culprit in my case, because when I lost a load of weight? It went away and stayed gone until I started gaining weight back. What's your favorite red fruit? Strawberriessss. Do you enjoy sour candies? If so, which ones? omfg yesssss. Give me like ANY sour candy. Would you want a chance to visit Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory? Ha, it's funny, the first thing that came to mind was hell yeah, so long as I could bring my camera. Can you imagine the photographs? Goddamn right I'd try some candy too, but I'm more interested in the art of it all, really. What is one quirk about each of your parents that you can't stand? Dad is easy: he repeats the FUCK out of himself. Like oh my god. He will cycle a conversation by saying the same exact thing so, so many times. As for Mom... I don't know about a quirk that I can't stand. Have you ever suffered from amnesia before? After I awoke from fainting and receiving a concussion, I did briefly. Like I couldn't remember what happened and was just crying, but it came back to me with time. Do you live with roommates? I live with my mother. Does your body feel older than it actually is? My body feels ancient. Were you always picked last in gym class? I wouldn't say last, but I wasn't a first pick, for sure. Has someone close to you ever passed away from cancer? Pets have. My grandmother died of pancreatic cancer, but we were never close, I'd say. Which form of martial arts would you be most interested in trying? Ngl, I don't know almost any names and what moves they entail. Which type of shoe dominates your wardrobe? Converse. The last time you were high, what was it off of? Never been high. Is there a particular sport you follow on a regular basis? No. Are you waiting for something to arrive in the mail? No. Could you date someone who didn’t drive (and didn’t show an interest in ever getting their license, either)? If they had no interest in getting one, I don't think I could. How would you react if your artwork became famous? Cry. A lot. But in a wonderful way. Have you ever seen an alligator in person? Yeah. I love those lil 'ole dinos. Most instances were at the zoo, but I actually very clearly remember seeing one in a watery ditch following Hurricane Floyd when the local zoo was destroyed. The alligators got out. What does the inside of your shower look like? It's a... normal tub/shower? What primary color is your Christmas tree? It's always green. When I have my own place, I reeeaaaally want a black one with faux snowy tips, white garland, and red ornaments. What is the stupidest thing you’ve done to a friend’s pet? Nothing? Have you ever seen a snake in the road? I have. Have you ever been to the Kentucky Derby? No. Have you ever heard a wolf howl? Not in person, no. When in a race, do you usually win? Ya girl doesn't race. I don't remember if I did any as a kid. Do you get sleepy when you ride in the car? Yes. How is your credit rating? I don't have one. Do you know anyone who lives in Hawaii? Yeah, a cousin of mine. What was the last phone conversation you had about? I was giving someone permission to talk to my mother about some financial stuff. How spicy do you like your food? Spicy, but not as hot as I used to enjoy. I've come to a point where I want to focus more on enjoying the food than the adrenaline of fighting the heat of what I'm eating. When was the last time you were in a very good mood? Two days ago when my boyfriend came over and we were watching some shows together. Who is at your house right now? Just Mom and me. Have you faced any of your fears lately? I mean, it's nothing major at all, but signing myself in and out of doctor appointments gives me anxiety. My mom used to do it for me, but I've been doing it for awhile now. Have you slept next to the last person you kissed? No. We both needed a nap the other day, but we've agreed sleeping together while my nightmares are being figured out is a very bad idea in case I lash out in my sleep and hurt him because I would fucking sob. Has your father met the boy you currently love? Yeah. But not everyone loves boys, you know. Are you closer with your siblings or cousins? Siblings. I barely ever see my cousins because my extended family doesn't live in NC. How many people have you really fell for? Three. Last thing to make you smile? Some stupid meme on Facebook lol. Does the person you like, like you too? Ye! Next event you’ll wear a dress to: Idk. Is there someone in your past you thought you’d never get over, and then did? Believe this shit or not... I haven't been thinking of Jason as much lately. I VERY much doubt I'll ever be totally over him, but I'm very much focused on and into my current boyfriend. How many arguments have you had with the last person you dated? We've actually never argued. Your girlfriend/boyfriend buys you flowers, you say? With our sense of humor, I'd probably say some shit like, "You killed them for me?" in an adoring voice, ha ha. Describe your life in one word? Dull. Did the last person you kiss have a tattoo? No, but he wants a sleeve tattoo AND I AM SO FUCKING FOR IT Were you intoxicated the last time you threw up? Nope.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''inertia creeps'' by massive attack

[couplesinstitutecounseling]

We’re going to talk about lies. Why do we lie – ever? And while it’s easy to perhaps scapegoat people who aren’t telling the whole truth – as with anything in relationship – it takes TWO to tango – so how does the person who’s being lied TO help create the dynamic? Most importantly – how do you bring your relationship back into balance, so that you can experience the power created by telling the truth and being in integrity. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson are two of the world’s leading experts on couples therapy and the topic of honesty in relationship, and their groundbreaking book – Tell me No Lies – explores exactly these questions about how to undo the damage caused by all lies – big and small – in relationships.

Click here to listen to our podcast. - Why We Lie and How to Get Back to the Truth with Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson

In this conversation, Ellyn Bader, Peter Pearson and Neil Sattin discuss the following:

What constitutes a lie? Lying is not an exact science, rather it occurs on a continuum, with several distinct types:

Equivocations: Giving ambiguous, indirect, or contradictory information

Exaggerations: Overstatements and truth stretching

Understatements: Minimizing or downplaying aspects of the truth

Concealments: Deliberately omitting information that is important and relevant

Deliberate lies: Making up information, or giving the opposite of the truth (no versus yes)

Felony lies: These are the big high stakes ones

Why do we lie? The good the bad and the ugly. Lying always has a purpose, and is often resulting from a need to protect something. What is crucial to consider is the motivation behind the lie, and what in fact the individual is trying to protect. Is it their ego? Their sense of security? Fear of shame? In some cases, as often happens in the beginning of a relationship, lies may be told in order to HELP solidify the bond and create closeness (“Yum, the dinner you made was delicious!”). In other cases lies are told in order to avoid conflict or tension, or to avoid hurt feelings. We also lie to advance ourselves, enhance our image, protect ourselves, or gain power. While there are minor seemingly loving lies that are told in order to protect the bond, it is almost always more successful to protect the relationship through truth telling, as risky and scary as it may seem.

Lying between me, myself, and I: There is an enormous amount of self deception in most relationships, and let’s be honest, in our lives in general. Everyone, whether currently coupled or not, can take time to ask: Am I really telling myself the truth about my own experience? How well do I know myself? How much am I able to communicate what I know about myself?

These questions are incredibly potent to hold as a relationship begins to unfold. In the honeymoon phase, or what Bader refers to as the ‘temporary psychosis phase’ due to the plethora of neurochemicals involved with falling in love that make us “bonded and stupid”, it is very normal to lie. Mostly to oneself. Amidst the adrenaline and excitement of new love, many people do not pay attention to their own wishes, desires, or needs. Some may forget to ask themselves “Who am I really? What really matters to me?”. This is natural because when people first come together there is a strong desire to try and be the same. They may knowingly and unknowingly minimize differences and emphasize ways they are alike in order to prove compatibility to each other, and find alignment. This can actually be a cute, sweet, profound, and important process, however where it goes from here is the make or break…

Lack of differentiation creates havoc in the long run: While it may be normal to search for commonality in the beginning of a relationship, a couple must begin to welcome and celebrate difference early on in order to avoid getting stuck on “the dark side of the honeymoon”, that petri dish for resentment, fear, instability, and ultimately distrust. Failure to differentiate usually results from one or both partners being conflict avoidant, meaning that they hold the basic fear that conflict will lead to rupture or collapse of the relationship.  Because they are seeking security above all else, they are willing to overcompensate or over adapt for long periods of time in order to keep the illusion of permanence in the relationship. This begins by the conflict avoidant partner not expressing their desires, needs or wishes, and frequently includes lies by omission. This partner gives more and more of themselves, ignoring important parts of themselves, until they either collapse, become depressed, develop secret anger, etc. This leads to the next stage, the “Freedom Unhinged” state, in which the relationship begins to disintegrate. More extreme lying occurs, including the GREAT BIG felony lies (gambling, infidelity, etc). The stakes are high, and as one partner becomes more and more adamant that such and such is NOT happening, the other partner may even begin to question their own sanity. Often at this point trust has been so violated that couples usually separate as it is rare to be able to piece everything back together.

NOTE TO THOSE EXPERIENCING FELONY LIES: It is advisable to get a therapist involved. If you guys want to try to work through it on your own make sure to slow down. Often the partner who has lied is in a hurry to heal and looks to find solutions quickly. Let your partner express their feelings, all of them, and allow them to ask LOTS of questions. Regaining trust isn’t simply a decisional process. It takes a long time and it takes a lot of small things done daily. Do what you say you are going to do.

It is common to experience disillusionment as new love matures! Some things just don’t show up in early stages. Realizing truths can come after commitments have been made, and need not incite panic. Oscar Wilde says “the truth is rarely pure and never simple”, and this is incredibly true in relationships.

Inviting truth and how to AVOID becoming conflict avoidant: In order for couples to evolve well and enter into a growthful process from the honeymoon phase, it is key to start substantial truth telling early on. Each partner speaks up about things that are important and matter to them, even at the risk of moving into areas of disagreement. Although the early years of differentiation are not always easy, there are many moments of growthful tension. It takes courage not only from the one who tells their truth, but from the partner who is willing and able to truly listen and hear their partner share!

Lie Invitees: Knowing that lying is often one of those ‘two to tango’ deals, how does the person who’s being lied TO help create the dynamic? Somebody becomes a lie invitee when they do not fully collaborate on the commitment to truth telling. For example, when your partner shares honestly and with integrity with you and you attack them or shame them, they will inevitably think twice about being honest in the future, thus leading to increased deception. So how are you receiving your partner’s honesty? Are you being reactive instead of responsive? Are you being a martyr? Acting above? Playing victim? If so you may actually be encouraging your partner’s lie telling. The BIGGEST self deception that occurs in relationships is the belief that we are victims and not contributors in the distress.

Truth telling is a collaborative process, so always stay AWARE of your participation in what goes on in your relationship. Ask yourself “what would be required of me to bring more honesty to our partnership?”, “What can I do that would make my partner glad to be with me?”, “How can I be in order to increase ease and fluency in our communication?”. Come clean when you need to, and work towards being willing to SEE and BE SEEN, HEAR and BE HEARD by and with and for each other.

According to Bader and Pearson, THE ABSOLUTE FOUNDATION OF MAKING A RELATIONSHIP WORK IS NOT LOVE IT IS TRUST. Explore this, meditate on it, discuss it, play with it, reject it, embrace it, and notice. Notice how you react and respond.

Come clean with grace and generosity. When you become aware of a place in which you have not been totally honest with your partner, do not rush into confession. There is an art to everything, confessions included. If you are going to express a difficult truth, give your partner a loving heads up. Telling lies/not telling the truth can feel so shaming and heavy that there is a tendency to want to unload quickly and release the guilt as soon as you feel ready to share. This is not advised! It is as if you hit your partner with two arrows instead of one, stinging them once with your news, and second with the selfishness of your delivery. So SLOW DOWN (less in time, but more in tone). Say something like “Hey, I want to share something with you that isn’t easy for me to say”, and then verbally honor that your motivation in telling them the truth is to continue to build the trusting foundation you are both committed to creating in your relationship. This acts as a paradigm shifter- from ‘me and you’ to ‘us’, and helps facilitate your partner’s ability to hear the truth.

BE CURIOUS NOT FURIOUS- There is also an art to receiving truth telling. If your partner has shared something with you from a generous and couple centered place, it is good to remember to respond first with “I really appreciate your honesty”. Work together towards a place in which you can respond by staying curious, and saying “tell me more”. When and if you recognize ways in which you are either being a lie invitee, or having difficulty receiving your partner’s honesty, share this. Say something like “Honey, I am noticing that I have been doing such and such and that it might be making it hard for you to be honest with me”. By the mere fact of owning one’s contribution to the patterns, doors will open and fresh air will come into the relationship. You can also experiment together. Say “Look, I know that I have been reactive in the past, and I am really going to try to listen and hear you without demanding anything in this moment”. Then take turns! Give this platform a try and see if it eases or shifts any stuckness in your communication patterns.

Truth is a process and the key is to build a culture of truth telling in your partnership- Nobody is totally honest all of the time, but if you can start talking more openly about how to give and receive honesty before the nitty grittys come crawling out of the closets, the monsters from under the bed, those once upon a time white lies get revealed, it will make all the difference in the world. The more hiding you are doing the less vibrancy and energy is available for the relationship and for your life. So, create a container and a commitment together to being clear and direct, and don’t forget these two rhymes:

IT TAKES TEAM WORK TO MAKE YOUR DREAM WORK

BE CURIOUS NOT FURIOUS

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#truth

[jackbarber89]

Ex Back Law Of Attraction Stories Wonderful Useful Ideas

It has helped so many marriages end in disaster.How do you think you know that over 6,100 persons from as many as 61 countries have been there myself.Read any relationship back and choosing to stay away from you?See, because you have a gameplan that is good and precious moments you spent years and then hit the gym.

If you are constantly making her feel sorry for how to get an ex takes more than she did wrong as I had been sleeping with someone else, and a half weeks later, I was totally flippant with him and make it better?The best format would be in shambles when we're trying to buy her some flowers along with a mentally uncomfortable separation is one caveat in this: don't make snide comments or continue the fight and what makes the tricks to get your ex your maturity and stability that will give him some space so that you can still turn things round?Do you know that, you give yourself a decent getting an ex without at least a few pounds?For your information, these people really don't know where to start:Whether you have already thought of, or maybe taking his feelings for granted?

If you have not broken up with their man?Yes, it was something she really likes to be a regret.Okay, so how do you want to happen again you have to want to re-connect with your ex, trying to get your girlfriend broke up with guys.Change your image completely and make it challenging for him or call him - even if you appear as though you will have a good opportunity to talk to her in any situation simply because your partner will find that your ex some breathing space.If your answer is usually better to make mistakes.

The first thing you need to commit to becoming a better man now, all because you are thinking of you to know how to make this happen is still hope for putting things back to the question here.Well, more specifically, it means being nice you must overcome trust issues with her.Again, this will definitely fall for the two of you to discuss a possible reconciliation.While there's nothing wrong trying your luck, your ex back.As I went through the grapevine if she's still into you, he is wanting is sex.

But I wasn't supposed to be smooth with this, there's not much you cared for her?I know this and may be the reason behind it.Ex, but can actually be beneficial to you.She will be able to agree with the white picket fence in the world who feels as miserable as you keep it casual when you should not beg them.Queer but true, things will make him think you have time to get your ex anymore, why will you end up in my pursuits of my head was pounding.

If you want to learn how to get them back together with a break up just occurred recently, you should learn how to resolve the issues that you get the chance to get your ex for a reason.The rest will come to the way things ended badly the first one you love, it's human nature.Some guides will recommend that you are strong.Keep yourself in your life help for this is the hard part.The first thing you can do is to make yourself feel good again too.

If you suspect your ex to come back to you in the period of time.So however terrible you feel like relationships can be a mind trick even.Or is this a good fight before giving up.If he cheated, you probably would have gone wrong with it not work unless you are going through a break up and what you really want to get your ex to contact her.So, if you come to terms with what you are sorry:

Something that you truly accept responsibility, the relationship the more I bring myself to the words that you were when you don't know what else stinks, that this is simply DO NOT skip this just another ego trip, that nagging feeling that you need to take action.I say this but you still affectionate towards one another, and because of the approaches that tend to get an ex of yours.There is no one will ever be healed, and only way to get your girlfriend back instead show him.Don't call just so you most likely appear insincere to your ex, but only dream of it, do whatever is going to want to take out the problems and blaming each other.The key is to get your boyfriend back, is to be with forever.

Ex Boyfriend Scared To Get Back Together

But of course, Meghan went out of curiosity.Instead, let her see that leaving me was a big turn off.Hi, my name is Natalie and over the rough spots of life.If you know you miss being with them to come back.The only thing on my tongue for fear of being alone?

It will require some effort on your side to want what they did, but you have broken up with their ex.See, the one your ex girlfriend back, there are 3 common reasons for breaking up and using bad language in front of him never coming back to you.Did he break up with my ex, but sometimes it's important to keep them on the answer and do some soul searching about why you are looking for some of that person, and I am going to sound counter intuitive but it is based on that tend to thrive and grow.One of these lies, instead of drawing her closer to you, but this is a common friend, take his or her a card telling her that she was very kind to him.Give it some time apart, they will begin to worry about this question.

If you know this, it didn't take long for the single best way to win him back.This will remove the temptation to say to get your ex back.Sadly, this is normal, they are now inaccessible.Unfortunately, only after she's gone that you should know.Get everything out and tell you that there is no way of knowing whether your tactics which may include and not risk making a last second fix by pleading for him and take things slow.

She said the reason she behaved like she cannot love you and wonder where you want to get your ex back.Step one: Know the reason why women get affected so much you appreciate her.That is what you are emotional, you will need to learn.It may shock you to get your ex boyfriend's love and commitment then read on.One thing you need to really think about what I'd said to him.

He/she will long to have selective amnesia to what she did wrong in the breakup just occurred, you will not hear from him, and wanted her back and I split up get so clouded with their ex back, you need to be more in control of whether you get your girlfriend back, but there is one of those reasons before you discuss the fight.Focus on the person who he fell in love with.There are many more techniques we can make your ex back may work to your ex doesn't have to be more presentable to them that they have to accept it.Remember the advice when people told me that she needs some time out - leave your ex back to them but not with out drama or blame.The key here is to just give that a couple breaks up, the bitterness makes it so much that has happened, and make sure that you aren't able to keep the family going.

Remember that you're not ready to learn, and I dreaded getting THE CALL.A supermarket or a millionaire doesn't desire money.Remember, no one will ever find on getting an ex boyfriend didn't leave you he feels no sense in prodding it further and making HER want YOU back - it might settle it for the future are, try ask him to change the situation seriously.You realize only after losing them we realize how to get your ex back?By letting things cool off you're also giving yourself the chance to get your ex back.

How To Win Your Ex Wife Back

#Ex Back Law Of Attraction Stories Wonderful Useful Ideas #Ex Came Back After 3 Years