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thegreenwolf · 4 years

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(This post was originally posted on my blog at https://thegreenwolf.com/its-okay-to-not-hustle/)

There’s this meme going around Facebook right now, saying “If you don’t come out of this quarantine with a new skill, your side hustle started, or more knowledge, you never lacked time. You lacked discipline.” Thankfully multiple people have already skewered it, but it continues to be shared around by the sort of person who is trying to one-up everyone else, or who’s just plain clueless–or, for that matter, just trying to guilt you into buying whatever they’re selling.

Now, there’s not a damned thing wrong with self-promotion. That’s how indie artists, authors, and other self-employed folks get the word out. You have to be able to talk good talk in order to get people’s attention. But leading with this meme? Guilting people for not leaping from sudden unemployment straight into the thick of the ever-shifting gig economy? That ain’t gonna fly, Brocephus.

You Have Good Reasons to Slack

Excuse me while I dust off my counseling psych degree a sec, here. *ahem* We are in a very sensitive, turbulent time right now. We’re in the middle of a pandemic, the likes of which hasn’t been seen in a century in the Western world. We are in a hugely traumatizing situation here. Not just for the financial losses, but the fact that COVID-19 has killed thousands of people and left many more with permanent lung damage. We still haven’t gotten a handle yet on exactly how contagious this thing is, how long you’re contagious for, or whether you’re immune once you’ve had it, assuming you survive. We don’t have adequate testing, emergency rooms estimate that for every positive test there are 10-20 people out there infected and untested, and everyone with a cough is suddenly Schroedinger’s COVID case. Governments worldwide are slow to react in spite of the rising death toll. People have had friends and family die horribly from this thing in a short period of time. Even people who didn’t already have issues with anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses are feeling stressed, strained and scared–and, yes, traumatized. This image is guilt-tripping people who are actively being traumatized.

So we’re already starting with a populace that is dealing with this collective trauma, as well as whatever personal trauma each individual is experiencing. Not always easy to seize the day when you’re going through that. And I can think of a few other reasons that might further complicate this whole “Just get a side gig!” thing:

–They’re a parent who suddenly has all their kids at home, all the time, demanding time and attention and food, AND they still have to work eight hours a day from home, or maybe even more if their S.O. is unemployed/sick/etc. By the way, if someone trots out Isaac Newton or William Shakespeare or some other historical guy who managed to do epic things during a pandemic, remember that they usually had wives or servants to do all the laundry and cooking and cleaning and (if applicable) childcare for them.

–They’re disabled or chronically ill, and don’t have the ability/energy/etc. to just go and make something happen, just like that. Imagine if you just randomly got the fatigue from a really bad flu, and you never knew whether it was going to last a day or a month. And if you tried exerting yourself when you were feeling better, chances are you’d slip back into fatigue-land. That’s what a lot of my chronically ill/etc. friends have to deal with, to say nothing of issues with accessibility of resources for starting a side gig.

–They don’t have any money for the supplies needed to start a side hustle, or the supplies have been hoarded by hobbyists preparing for a Pandemic Staycation.

–They don’t have the skills for something that just requires what they already have (like, for example, writing on a laptop you already happen to own). Often these skills are things that can’t be perfected in a few weeks at home, but may take years to develop before they’re really marketable–like, for example, the skill to make a decent living on side hustles.

–They have anxiety, depression or other mental health conditions that make it hard to function even in the best of times, but even moreso in this…well…mess. Even people who were mentally healthy before are going to be developing diagnosable anxiety and depression disorders before all’s said and done. And speaking from personal experience, those of us who look successful on the outside can still be internally hamstrung by these conditions at times.

–Plus there’s the fact that we’re not supposed to, you know, leave our homes, which narrows down the field of potential side gigs by a lot.

Even doing something less financially-wrought like learning a new skill or subject takes time, energy, and sometimes money, any or all of which may be scarce for the reasons above and more.

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

I am saying all of this as someone who is arguably an expert on the side gig. I have spent the past eight and a half years 100% self-employed (and a lot longer doing it part-time) as an author and artist, able to cover all my bills and expenses, and for a time I was the primary breadwinner of a multi-person household. I have like ten different things I was doing for a living before this all hit, a pretty diverse set of streams of income, even if most of them just up and evaporated in the past few weeks. And while I’m definitely a hell of a lot leaner now than I was a month ago, I still have my head above water for the moment. So I think I know side gigs.

I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m overall healthy. I have a dog who is a lot less demanding of my time than kids would be. I have my own space where I can focus more or less without interruption. More importantly, I have the skills, the knowhow, the drive and the personality to go out and seek new opportunities. And I’m used to fluctuations in income, though admittedly this one’s unprecedented. Don’t gauge yourself by where I am now. I’ve spent twenty-two years building up my art business, my first book came out in 2006, and I’ve had a series of really good opportunities come my way that I had the privilege to be able to make the most of. I am not your measuring stick, so don’t say “Well, if she can do it why can’t I? I must suck!”

If you’re feeling crappy because you aren’t hopping to it and carpeing the diem and getting everything done, here’s what I have to say to you: Look, you just had your world turned upside-down. Job loss, scarce commodities, sudden lack of outside childcare, restricted movement and inability to be around much of your support system, and did I mention a pandemic is happening, too? Any single one of those things would be difficult for just about anyone to deal with, never mind all at once. And I don’t even know what all else has already been going on in your life–unstable or unsafe living situation, other health issues, breakups and other losses, interpersonal conflicts. You know, normal life stuff.

You’re Not Lazy, or Screwing Up, or (Gods Forbid) Undisciplined

It is totally okay if all you’re doing right now is surviving. It’s okay if you feel like you’re drowning, overwhelmed by all that’s happening both on a global level and more personally. It’s okay if all you can manage right now is to get out of bed and stumble through each day a moment at a time, struggling with a tidal wave of emotions. It’s okay if you’re just trying to keep your kids busy, dealing with a crowded home every single day, or trying to keep COVID-19 at bay. It’s okay if, instead of firing up DuoLingo or opening an Etsy shop, you spend your evenings vegging to Netflix or reading a book or playing hours and hours of Animal Crossing.

Not every moment in your life has to be about being productive even in the best of circumstances, and that goes exponentially so right now. Be patient with yourself, and be kind. You may be one of those folks who literally has to spend all their time scrabbling to try to cover the bills or get some leeway from bill collectors, and you have to dedicate your waking time hunting for resources just to try to get through this week. Believe me, I feel for you, I have a lot of friends in that situation right now, and I hope all of you can find some relief and assistance.

May I suggest something? If you have the energy for something more than the bare essentials of getting by, put that energy toward self-care, whatever you can manage under the circumstances. You can use it to recuperate, to rebuild your emotional and physical resilience. That way if things get rough again in the future, you have more internal reserves to build on. If your usual methods don’t work or aren’t accessible due to lockdown, ask others what they’re doing to keep themselves grounded in this trying time.

Just because you have more time doesn’t mean you don’t have to throw yourself right into something productive! Don’t feel pressured to just go-go-go the moment you have a little freedom to move. If you do decide you want to try a side gig, or a new skill, or learn all about some specialized topic of interest, go for it! If you have the energy and attention and opportunity to pursue something new, it can be a great coping skill during this traumatic time. Just don’t pressure yourself; keep it fun.

One last thing: I want you to save the image I have at the top of this post. And then if you see someone post that meme, saying “Come on, you lazy bums, get up and make that side gig happen! Learn new stuff! Do all the things! No excuses!” you pull out this version, and you look at the edits, you remember that it’s okay to be where you are, and you get back to doing things at your own pace no matter what someone else says. (I find visualizing stapling a printout of the edited version to the offender’s forehead to also be therapeutic, but that may just be me.)

Hang in there, okay? It’s going to be a rough time, but you’re not alone, and what you’re feeling right now is shared by so many people. So just let yourself be where you are in this moment, and we’ll see what hope tomorrow brings. And remember that whatever you’re capable of in this moment: it’s enough.

Did you enjoy this post? Please consider supporting my work on Patreon, buying my books here on my website, buying my art and books on Etsy, or tipping me at Ko-fi!

#COVID-19 #mental health #executive dysfunction #anxiety #depression #mine

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thefanficmonster · 3 years

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Quarantine On Crack

Until Dawn Gang + Reader (Female)

Warnings: Swearing, Some underage drinking, A LONG-ASS READ (sorry 😅)

Genre: Fluff, Crack, Humor

Summary: The Until Dawn kids (including Hannah and Beth) decide to go through literal hell - trying to survive each other while being stuck on a mountain, in a lodge together for an undetermined amount of time. It’s really a 50/50 chance of how their relationships will be affected by this much time spent together.

Requested by my dear Until Dawn Anon. This is the first time our babies aren’t suffering yay! Hope you enjoy! Know I had a ton of fun writing. The credit for some of these amazing quotes goes out to you (keep both the requests and quotes coming, I absolutely love them!) Love you, Vy ❤

Imagine what the aftermath of a human tornado would look like. You’ve got an image? Great. Now triple it as though three tornados had ripped through the place. Cause that’s what the lodge looks like right now.

Let me backtrack just for a second so I can give you a proper idea of what’s going on and how it came to be. I’d like to mention this ain’t my first rodeo. I’m not in Blackwood nor am I staying in this lodge with this group of people for the first time. I knew what I was getting myself into when I accepted Josh’s offer to go there now with this pandemic that’s eating away at the world. I knew certain members of the group would be hell to put up with but that quarantine beat staying at home alone with my thoughts, so I gave in. This plan had its perks: since we would be the only ones on the mountains and all of us are perfectly healthy, we’d be allowed to wander the woods and breathe some fresh air. On the other hand, however, I’d have to restrain myself from committing murder. The snowy wood outweighed the possibility of becoming a murderer and that’s how I ended up here with the ten people I’ve been friends with since high school freshmen year.

We’re on day four so far. Yes DAY four, not WEEK four, and people are already scrapping with one another. Jess and Emily can barely tolerate each other. Mike and Matt likewise. I’ve been done with their shit since day two and am now watching a literal rom-com unfold in front of me. “Will They, Won’t They Squared” is the title in case you were wondering. Why squared? Well we have two pairs of love birds around here that are not official, BUT THEY SHOULD BE. Not naming any names or anything *ahem*.

I probably should’ve mentioned, while I was on the scrapping topic, that I have already managed to threaten Mike at least ten times. Emily and I are trying our hardest to remain civil with each other through passive aggression, and I must admit we’re doing well.

Another thing that has been going on is A LOT OF FUCKING FLIRTING. I swear we run on hormones and caffeine. And I’m into it.

Jess and Emily were at each other’s throats just moments ago, the argument took so many turns and kept branching out so much I forgot what they were even fighting about. Sam and Josh are sitting in front of the unlit fireplace. Sam’s giving him a hard time about his inability to light a fire. She’s basically doing what I would’ve been doing if Matt hadn’t handed me a cup of homemade cider.

“Y/N.“ He says as he settles on the other end of the couch

“Matthew.“ I reply to his greeting, clinking our cups together

“GET A ROOM YOU TWO!“ Emily yells from somewhere behind us

“We have like three empty seats between us and exchanged two words.“ Matt shakes his head, looking at the staircase over the backrest.

“Oh, sureee.“ Emily replies sarcastically

I can tell she’s about to go on and I’ve already went off on Mike twice today so my argument energy levels are low and I’m not having it. Thankfully, a single look shuts her up real quick and she goes about her way.

Suddenly, a loud scream comes from the kitchen. Everyone turns to look in that direction, but I’m unfazed. It’s Ashley’s scream so I know exactly what’s up.

“Sit tight, guys. I’ve got this.“ I put my cider on the coffee table and walk into the kitchen, grabbing the can of deodorant that I purposely left on the counter for this exact scenario. I pull the lighter out of my pocket and step between Ashley and the source of her terror which is, as I guessed, one of those mutated ass Blackwood cockroaches.

I waste no time torching it and picking it up with a paper towel before throwing it in the trash. We take the trash out every night at eleven PM as some unspoken ritual, so the corpse can chill there for now. I ain’t going out in the cold just to throw away the dead body of a cockroach.

“Sorry about that.“ Ashley says through a relieved sigh

“Don’t worry, Ash. Everyone’s afraid of something.“ I assure her, putting the can of deodorant where it previously was.

“Even you?“ she asks skeptically

“Nope.“ I respond with a smirk.

“I CAN CONFIRM!“ Josh calls out from his spot in front of the fireplace, “SHE ISN’T AFRAID OF ANYTHING!“

“And a pyromaniac on top of all.“ Chris mumbles under his breath

He’s not wrong. I did teach them the deodorant flamethrower trick.

I notice Jess has taken one of those three seats Matt mentioned were between him and I earlier. The one closest to him, to be specific. Instead of third wheeling, I grab my cup and plop myself in one of the armchairs.

“Is that another point for the ‘Y/N’s burnt cockroaches’ score board?“ Mr. Munroe struts his way into the room.

I hum affirmatively, “Piss me off some more and there will be another point on that score board.” I warn him nonchalantly, taking a sip of my now almost cold cider.

Ashley, who has safely made it out of the kitchen and is now sitting on the floor by the couch looks up at me and Mike who is now standing behind my chair, looming over me like a street lamp. “Do you two even consider each other friends?”

I give Mike a debating glance, one he returns, before looking back at Ash, “We fuck occasionally.” Mike confirms from behind me.

“That doesn’t answer the question.“ Ashley’s disappointed sigh mixes with Jess’ shocked gasp.

I give Jess an unamused look, “What? Don’t act like I haven’t slept with you too.”

Poor Matt, who’s halfway through a sip of his drink nearly chokes at my words, “Wait, WHAT?”

“OK, show hands everyone who HASN’T slept with Y/N!“ Mike declares.

Chris, Ash, Sam, Josh and Matt raise their hands in the air.

“I’m honestly offended that I haven’t.“ Sam says while raising hers.

“Offended that you haven’t what?“ Hannah asks as her and Beth come downstairs a bunch of board games and puzzles in their arms. “And why are we raising our hands?”

“People who haven’t slept with Y/N.“ Jess quickly explains, grumpily folding her arms over her chest. I can’t help but laugh, nor can I restrain the urge to fluster her even further by winking at her.

“I would raise my hand but these boxes would go everywhere.“ Hannah shakes her head.

“I won’t raise mine because....well, I just won’t.“ Beth blushes, making me laugh.

Josh whips around to glare at me, “Seriously?”

I raise my hands in surrender, “Wasn’t my idea.”

Thankfully the topic is dropped by the time Emily walks in. She sits down on the other side of Jess on the couch, more than happy to interrupt her and Matt’s flirting.

“Oh, finally!“ Sam says as the fire that’s been in the making for a while now finally lights, “I knew you could do it, Josh!“

“We could’ve done it a lot quicker if you helped, you know?“ He narrows his eyes playfully at her, taking the hand she offered to him so she could help him up.

“True, but I was your moral support. You know I like focusing on one task rather than multitasking.“ She teases him, “And now I’ll be your cider supplier. Be right back.“

I give Josh that knowing smirk when I see his ears reddening. You know something’s up when your cheeks/ears are burning hot in a room that’s around freezing - you’re either burning with a fever or a crush. No other explanation.

Hannah and Beth have set the board games they’ve brought onto the coffee table so we can decide what we’d like to play.

“UNO?“ Beth offers while Jess, Josh and Matt look at the options.

War-like flashback ensue when I shake my head, “No! Nah hah, I’ll be tempted to strangle somebody.”

“Over UNO?“ Josh gives me this look that’s between disappointed and deeply concerned

“I’ve been tempted to kill over Rock, Paper and Scissors.“ That statement tells him enough that he turns back around with this stunned look on his face.

Eventually, after a lot of convincing, the whole gang is on board with playing a round or two of truth or dare until one of us decides something more original because we really don’t feel like playing board games.

“Truth or dare, Y/N?“ Emily asks, not giving anyone else a chance.

I smirk, kicking my feet up on the table, leaning back in the chair, “Truth for the first round.”

“Who here is the best in bed?“ she sneakily narrows her eyes at me, thinking she’s intimidating. How cute.

“Dare.“ Why don’t we make things interesting?

Em doesn’t complain, “We still have that cockroach’s corpse?”

“Enough said.“ I get up from my seat only to get grabbed by Mike and pulled back down.

“Easy there, caveman.“ He says, shaking his head, “Just answer the question. This doesn’t need to be gross.”

Chris, Ash, Matt and Jess look mortified. “You were gonna do it, weren’t you?” Matt gathers the guts to ask.

I give him a sweet smile and a nod. “And to answer your question: Me. My turn! Josh, truth or dare?”

He glares at me intensely, “Dare.”

The fucker knows I’m not the type to give ‘kiss this person’ or ‘7 minutes in heaven with that person’ dares. But I do ask some risky questions. Well...the only way to get him into my trap is to use his hatred for bug against him.

“We do still have that cockroach. So...“ I give an innocent shrug of the shoulders, giving him the chance to put two and two together instead of breaking it to him.

You could pinpoint the exact moment the realization hits him, his face turning in disgust. “You know, Y/N, sometimes I really love you.” He says, very touching of him, “And sometimes I’d love to kill you.” He takes a moment, a moment filled with aggressive eye contact between us before finally giving in, growling: “Truth.”

I think I’m level with Mother Theresa for what I did next. “What’s your favorite video game?”

The relief that washes over him is priceless to see. His answer comes as a sigh that indicates that the whole world has been lifted off his chest, “Metal Gear Solid.”

“Cool.“ I say with a cheeky smile.

Being the college kids we are, we easily get bored after a few more rounds, but not before having to defuse an argument that’s basically name-calling between Jess and Emily. I’ve noticed a pattern: if one of them as much as breathes in the other’s direction - a cat fight takes place.

Thankfully, the group disperses into smaller groups or in pairs. Sam, Josh, Chris and Ash go to the theater. Mike and Jess head upstairs, and I think no one would like to go to that area of the lodge in the next two or so hours. Emily and Matt go on a stroll while Hannah and Beth somehow convince me to play Monopoly.

The round ends with Beth somehow gathering all of mine and Hannah’s territories. After a brief celebration they head on over to the theater to join the others. I turn down their offer to accompany them and go warm up the cider that’s now literally frozen.

“Grab whiskey if you want to speed up the process.“ I’m surprised to hear Munroe’s voice behind me but don’t show it as I refuse to even turn around to answer him.

“I’m saving the whiskey for when things get really fucked up.“

“Smart, I guess.“

I choose to be nice and fill up a cup for him as well. I hop up on the counter, taking a slow sip of my drink while looking Mike, who’s standing opposite me, leaning against the kitchen island, dead in the eyes.

“You know,“ he’s the one to break the tense silence that surged between us, “jealousy is a poisonous thing.“

Intriguing opening, Michael. “I’ve heard, yes.”

“Then why don’t you just drop it? You’ll be happier if you do, trust me.“ That smug look on his face makes me want to pour the hot liquid (Destery Smith, anyone?) directly onto his handsome features.

I hear a pair of footsteps approaching the kitchen. A side glance in the direction the noise is coming from confirms that there are indeed two people coming this way - Chris and Ashley.

“A bold thing to tell me while we’re around so many sharp objects.“ If the eyes are really windows to the soul, I would like to picture his with a bunch of stab-wounds from my glare-daggers. Though my gaze is intense, there is a calm smirk on my face. “I can kill you right now.“

Chris and Ashley walk into the kitchen and freeze - they clearly hadn’t noticed us until it was too late. They are looking at us like a pair of deer caught in headlights - mortified.

Mike jumps at the opportunity to ensure his safety, “You can’t! There’s witnesses.”

Unfazed, I turn to the pair who’s on the fence about what they should do, “Guys, could you please excuse us for a moment.”

They both nod hesitantly, slowly taking a step back. Mike is not about to let them go, however. He straightens up, setting the cup he’s holding aside. “No, no, no! Don’t move! Not another step!”

Their eyes land on me and I give them a reassuring and encouraging nod to exit the room. They both comply easily.

“Guys, come on!“ Mike pleads desperately, making me suppress a chuckle

“Sorry, Mike. But you won’t show up at my house in the middle of the night....“ Chris trails off with his apology when Ashley takes hold of his hand so she can lead him away from the kitchen.

“She will.” Ash finishes his sentence, giving me a subtle wink to which I reply by blowing her a kiss.

“Checkmate“ I say triumphally, turning to look at a somewhat scared and disappointed Mike.

“A FIRE IN THE THEATRE!“ Hannah’s scream startles all of us.

I look at the where I left the deodorant earlier, finding the spot vacant. Oh boy...

“Damn it, Josh! I told you not to use the flamethrower without my supervision!“

As Mike and I run out of the kitchen I hear Chris say: “I’m afraid this is the only time this getaway will be lit.”

I hope Ashley gently smacked him upside the head in response to that.

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aal-archaeology · 3 years

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Summary of my first term of my Ph.D. at Stanford during a global pandemic and an extremely controversial election year (Anthropology, yr. 1, she/they, 25y/o) with some toggl data analysis

Well this year was a doozy if I don’t say so myself. But we survived it, and its okay if that’s all you were able to do this year because that’s enough. As an offical 18th grader, I feel like I can speak pretty well to the toxicity of the academic environment. There is always a pressure to be working all of the time, people compete with each other with how few hours of sleep they got, every conversation with fellow students is just listing off all of the different assignemnts you have to do by the end of the week. On top of all of this, this is 2020. So, I decided that this year I’m going to give myself some mental slack.

I decided that this is the year that I’m not going to try to impress anyone. I’m just going to survive and do what I have to do to move onto the next term. I think I did a pretty good job at that for the first term, so I’ll share a bit about what I observed in myself and those in my cohort. Coming into term one having to choose classes, many of my peers were packing their schedules full of 5 Unit seminars. For those who don’t know, theoretically, a 5 Unit course is supposed to take about 5-6 hours of work outside of class hours. For Stanford Anthropology, most PhD students take as close as they can to 18 credits, and anything over that you have to pay extra for the courses. Taking more courses doesn’t really put you any further ahead in terms of completing your degree, and you’re expected to complete about 45 Units each year for the first two years of the program.

I decided to take 2 seminars (typical), a language course, and a couple filler credits that we are given the option to use if we need 1-3 units to hit 18 total. I, fortunately, tracked every hour spent outside of the classroom working on each course using toggl (i highly reccomend):

In a typical week, I spent about 5-6 hours/week outside of class on my Anthro seminars, and about 6-7 hours on Japanese. Japanese was a “for-fun” class so I would usually study more of that when I didn’t feel like reading dense archaeological theory.

Toggl was a really cool way to see where I was spending too much, or not enough, time on my classwork. If it was taking me more than 1.5 hours to get through a single article, I knew I was probably spending too much time on it and should move on to the next thing. My goal for the term was to stay true to the 5 Unit idea of 5-6 hours, and not over-work myself.

Toggl was also useful in tracking my mental health throughout the term, as it is very obvious to see when I just was not physically capable of ingesting 400 pages of reading. For example, election week:

Election week was really hard for me, and everyone else in the world honestly. I had various family things I was dealing with, typical existential dread, plus it was week 8-ish of the term when everything was already on fire in terms of workload. For one of my seminars (purple), we had to read a book for the following week which I was able to do the sundar after election day. However, for the days leading up to and surrounding the 4th, the only thing I could mentally handle was mindless Japanese vocab studying. One of my seminars really sufferend this week, and I straight up just didnt show up to the smaller Anth 310G class because I had only read the title of the pdf. Fortunately, I emailed my professor of my Theory class and was like “yo dude I cannot” and he replied that he understood and wouldnt call on me during that day of class.

I didn’t do a whole lot of journalling at all this term, but for this week I just wrote “pain” on most days and then YAY BIDEN at the end of it.

Weekly Schedule

Above is what a typical week looked like, some were a lot lot lot more dense, others not so much, but this was pretty average. Not all things on the calendar are work related, some are extra lectures from visiting professors that sounded interesting, or “Free Boba & Snacks Pick Up” put on by my residence. Monday, Wednesday, and Sunday were my big work days last term, where I didn’t have a whole lot of classes so I would do most of my reading then. On Tues and Thurs I had one 3-hour seminar, and M-F I had a 50 min Japanese class.

I woke up every day around 7am-ish, made a green tea, and sat at the computer to work, filter through emails, etc. On particularily open days I would go grocery shopping, go for bike rides/walks around campus, go buy food/boba.

On class-heavy days, I wouldn’t leave my computer for 8-12 hours, which is extremely ridiculous but that’s the new norm in school in 2020. This kind of stunk because all of the socializing was also on the computer, so even if I wasn’t working I was doing screen related things.

EVERY day I stopped working at 6pm. Rarely did I do readings past 6pm unless I was really slacking somewhere. From 6pm onwards I would do things like play Among Us or League of Legends with my discord friends, eat, watch movies with my partner, etc. And then most nights I would try to be in bed by 12am at the latest.

Social Life

Despite the online nature of things this term, I was suprisingly able to meet a lot of great people on campus. We were all being tested at least once a week, which made in person gatherings with 1-4 people a little less scary, especially when half of the people lived together in one household.

In the first week of school, some of the grad programs put on a “speed friending” zoom event, where I was able to connect with two people really well. We ended up doing a “slow-friending” zoom event afterwards and then created a FB group chat and added all of the people we had met into it. The group ended up being about 15 people, and we would message the group for park hangouts, going to get food, or going on walks on campus. We also had a huge get together in a park for Mid-Autumn Festival, where we sat in a socially distanced circle, chatted, and ate mooncakes.

Most of my socializing came from my online friends, and amongus was a huge savior to my mental health this term wher emy group would play literally every night. I also made a really good friend off of Bumble BFF this term, who I’ve hung out with a good amount for plant shopping and board games.

I’m very fortunate to be in a situation where I can get tested for COVID on a days notice, and very grateful that I could use that to stay a little sane. My Biggest Accomplishment this term, was not school related. but instead I hit my��365 DAY STREAK on duolingo. This was celebrated with cake. This streak has lived through literal hell and for that I am very proud.

Overall reflection:

This term was super rough, there were a lot of days where I just napped through it and a lot of days where I couldn’t bring myself to do any work. However, I think the courseload that I took was very manageable and I’m going to continue to go light on myself in that regard.

I really liked the boundaries that I set for myself this term, not working after 6pm and making time to do some fun things in the midst of chaos. I never felt like I was too far behind on work, or that I wasn’t doing enough, because I had a literal reminder in front of me that I had already put x amount of hours into something with toggl.

Sometimes in class I would feel like I didn’t know how to productively contribute to conversation, but I think thats a skill that will get better over time and not being so great at it should especially be expected in the first term of a program.

Socially I met a lot of wonderful people who also made me feel more comfortable will myself. I started using She/They pronouns which feel really comforting to me. I made a lot of little origami cranes every time I was feeling sad. I drank a lot of boba. Watched a lot of She Ra. Played a lot of games. It all ended up being okay despite the weight of everything around me.

I’m proud of all of you for making it through this year, I know it was really difficult for a lot of people in more ways than it was for me, but we’re still here! Sometimes all you can do it make it to the next day and thats such a big accomplishment on its own. Please feel free to reach out with any questions about time-management, toggl, phd stuff in general, archaeology, etc! Always happy to help out. :’) Thanks for reading! Lyss

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dustedmagazine · 3 years

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For Those I Love — For Those I Love (September Recordings)

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There��s the Ireland you know. Leprechauns and pan flutes and weathered Celtic crosses and Joyce and Beckett and U2 and Aer Lingus and wistful stories of Charles Parnell and corned beef and cabbage and Kerrygold butter and potatoes, endless potatoes except in the famine, and Guinness and Jameson and names like Sean and Brian and Roisin and Siobhan and hurling and faded IRA murals and St. Patrick driving all the snakes out and Grian Chatten’s fuckin’ diddly-diddly-aye and a great green sweeping countryside washing out to the ocean.

Then there’s the other Ireland, the real one the tourism board doesn’t touch.

The one in the study that showed 49% of women reported being sexually assaulted or harassed, that 31% of adults experienced sexual harassment, that 15% have admitted to being raped at some point. Sex offenses on the rise, residential burglaries on the rise, public drunkenness on the rise, and all of that was before the pandemic. And somebody has to make up that 5.16% unemployment. For a nation it takes five hours to drive one end of the other in, there’s more than enough of the roughest stuff to make hard hearts of the softest souls — and it’s that Ireland, lacerated and flush with those scraping by to the tune of everyday strains, which serves as the backdrop to David Balfe’s nine-track therapy session and debut full-length under the For Those I Love name.

The entire project is fueled by the suicide of Balfe’s best friend. It helps to know that Balfe’s friend in question also happened to be one of Ireland’s most celebrated young poets and performers, Paul Curran. Before his passing in 2018, the songwriter and vocalist from post-punk band Burnt Out was an outspoken advocate of working class youth identity and the forces conspiring against it. “Dear James,” to take the band’s best example (and one that gets namechecked on For Those I Love), was itself a true story about a teen’s public suicide in the early 2000s. “The pressure of merit, valid work, social status and identity” were at the root of Curran’s art. It’s no different with Balfe: Every one of these songs is shot through with local flavor shedding light on similar experiences, most of them painful.

Some of what you hear on For Those I Love cropped up in cruder, briefer forms across the 47-minute mixtape/hodgepodge Into a World That Doesn’t Understand It, Unless You’re From It posted to Bandcamp in August ahead of “For Those I Love” the single — if nothing else, David’s certainly made his intentions clear — which arrived fully formed both musically and visually the following month. So proves the rest: Written and recorded out back at night in his mom’s shed in Donaghmede north of Dublin’s city center, For Those I Love is a wonderfully open-hearted portrayal of young Ireland akin to contemporaries Fontaines D.C. or the Murder Capital.

The method by which he conveys that perspective, however, shares almost nothing in common with those bands. Indeed, the most jarring aspect of For Those I Love might be the music itself: Balfe talks his way through stories and rarely rises above a quiet flooded monotone of weighty thoughts that runs itself dry irrespective of the track beneath it, which often strikes an optimistic note, a positive tone, an upbeat figure. He’s already been slapped with the “Irish Streets” billing, but his homespun productions are a little richer than Mike Skinner’s and wouldn’t sound out of place at an EDM festival or a Night Slugs party a decade ago, full of post-Burial long synth decays, atmospheric vocal samples and house rhythms as the bedrock for his eulogies.

Take “You Stayed / To Live,” which resembles a Caribou castaway as Balfe describes stealing and setting fire to a couch (possibly the one from the “Dear James” video), then veers into a digression about their younger years hanging at each other’s houses, playing in a band and how fire reminds him of Curran now. “To Have You” is similar, assuming the dynamics of a big room build-up with huge piano strikes, thumping kick drum and, improbably, a sample of Bread’s “Everything I Own”; Balfe’s vocals, meanwhile, wrestle with the instrumentation. It’s not always clear exactly what he’s saying (and not just because of the brogue), but you get the point, understand the message.

“Top Scheme” is comfortably the shortest song on the record at less than three minutes, but it’s also the most aggressive. Balfe notches up the intensity by giving the state a proper goodnight/fuck off flip of the fingers. “How can we not feel this rage / When the therapy costs more than half your wage / And you’re turfed back out the same that very day?” Though he doesn’t always go for the throat of the system outright, it permeates all his and his ilk’s tortured actions.

Balfe is at his best when the beats match the gravitas of the subject matter. “The Shape of You” is a raw heartbeat where the music perfectly matches a lighter tale of wasted youth waking up to a Belgian hospital and the joking romp it took to get him back home; its extended outro, better even than the occasional recorded interstitials between tracks, serves as a space to collect yourself. Along with “Birthday / The Pain” (whose Finn remix, it’s worth noting, eclipses the original in its ebullience), it might be the most uplifting song here. The latter is an ode to surviving a world fraught with violence, but it’s the unexpected brass sample that slides in like a herald announcing love’s arrival that really catches you out.

Yet for all of that, there is still no better song to explain what For Those I Love is about than the title-track. It was a smart move to close the album with “Leave Me Not Love,” which interpolates the opener and brings things full circle, but the wordplay at work as Balfe elevates Curran’s memory to nigh holy status remains the album’s best. You can feel the anguish in his own muted way as he runs back through face guards, grief and knaves talking tunes and poems with too much weight for his age. You’d be hard-pressed to find a more open wound in music over the past year.

There have been times when I’ve, say, longed for a good crumb cake and my mom has commented on how it was one of my grandfather’s favorites, or I catch myself watching thermite welding videos on YouTube a little too long and remember I’m my father’s son. A person isn’t just who they are, it’s what they pass on to the rest of us, the little quirks and the stories we tell ourselves to remember who we’ve lost and who we’re losing. Both are inevitable. “I have a love and it’s full of pain” go the last lines of For Those I Love, but I say they’re indistinguishable, that you couldn’t know the grace of one without the other’s suffering. That’s how you know it’ll never fade. Tell all your friends, I’d say.

Patrick Masterson

#For Those I Love #september recordings #patrick masterson #albumreview #dusted magazine #dublin #ireland #house #poetry

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ks-caster · 3 years

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Beth Liveblogs Black Widow

Bought that premium access on Disney+ so I can have the privilege of pausing for snacks and using subtitles as needed - so let’s go!

Beth’s Spoiler-Free Review: Overall I thoroughly enjoyed the movie - the plot was compelling, the characters were likable, and the stunts were really excellent. I felt like hair and makeup dropped the ball on realism multiple times which I was sad about, because how she looks seems to be pretty important to Nat so I expected it to be done well in her movie.

I did not like the way they framed the tail end (denouement - obviously because this movie is mid-series we know how it ends to an extent) - I felt like the connect-up to Infinity War was lackluster, especially compared to how enjoyable and dynamic the rest of the film was.

Spoilery live-reactions are under the cut. Click at own risk! Feel free to rebagel with your own impressions, thoughts, jokes and rebuttals!

The movie begins with a young Nat with blue dyed hair and visible roots, showing her natural red. Do you know how hard it is to get natural red out of hair, enough to make it blue and not green? And I’m supposed to believe that a middle-school age girl in 1995 Ohio had access to these chemicals? I’ll give her the white hair in IW/Endgame because she’s an adult with a lot of experience as a spy altering her appearance. But as a child? In the 90s? While her family is apparently in hiding? Sus.

The scene with Alexei laying on the on the wing while Nat learns to fly? AMAZING stunts. Amazing. AND someone in an action movie is finally smart enough to shoot the tires.

Nice skills on young Nat, getting the gun. Since we know from Endgame that Nat’s father is named Ivan, we know that Alexei isn’t really her dad. She also refers to presumably the red room as going “back.” Was she lent out to these agents to legitimize their family?

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Nice knife moves, Yelena - I love the hand switch.

Ooooh so she was being mind controlled and the red stuff freed her? Interesting.

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Nat is in Norway - visit Thor! He’d love to have you. (I’m mixing up my timeline, aren’t I?)

Supplies Dude whose name I didn’t catch refers to the Avengers breakup as a divorce - I kinda love it. It’s accurate!

BUDAPEST omg are we finally going to get the story?? Are we??

Box dye? I’m supposed to believe she got all that red out of her hair with flippin’ Loreal? Really? And that toner isn’t even the color she ultimately went - it’s too yellow. Sus.

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Oop, looks like Nat got caught up in Yelena’s desertion.

Do not give Nat your metal frisbee, robocop - she’s been around Steve long enough that she knows how to use it.

I laughed out loud when she did the string him up thing with the cables - literal spider move, I love it!

Mystery box is empty - classic bait and switch.

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BUDAPEST - WE ARE IN BUDAPEST - IT’S HAPPENING PEOPLE

Nat closing the door behind her is a small thing but I appreciate it - no sneaking up behind her.

When Yelena throws Nat in the kitchen and her feet hit the door and she spins before she hits the ground? That was a helluva stunt.

Oooooh honey. No body left to check is ALWAYS movie code for they lived.

Dreykov’s daughter? Another hint from Avengers 2012? C’mon, movie.

Riding the chimney down? Another incredible stunt.

Dreykov can scan his soldiers’ bodies and terminate them if they’re too damaged to keep fighting? Big yikes. With Nat where she is character development wise, the stakes are now much higher because if she injures an opponent they may be killed remotely.

“Do you want me to chase him down and un-steal it?”

The car door under the bike was an excellent stunt - as was the car going into the subway. Though I’ve never seen a subway entrance big enough to admit a car.

Who hasn’t wanted to slide down the middle to avoid the crowded escalators lol.

Yelena making fun of Nat’s sexy poses I am LIVING omg.

Running water for wounds. RUNNING WATER. NOT ALCOHOL. The vodka goes on the INSIDE for the pain - the running water cleans the OUTSIDE. If there’s a convenience store then there’s a bathroom, with running water. Cleansing with something like alcohol is a LAST RESORT and you do not look like you’re at that point resource-wise. I thought these ladies were supposed to be highly trained in all of the things?

“Could be fun though.” “I saw where he put the keys” “Top drawer green cabinet.” I love their chaos.

Yelena’s vest and its pockets and the resulting conversation are positively majestic.

“You are sensitive.” “You’re a very annoying person.”

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Do! Not! Move! Around! Like! That! While! Getting! A! Tattoo!!!! That poor artist was trying his best and Alexei just...

Ooooh was Red Guardian like Captain Russia? Interesting.

“Just don’t make a scene.” “You made a scene didn’t you.”

David Harbor running up that wall and then wiping out after the guard shocks him... I really loved that stunt, especially since they don’t show him being all super cut - he’s a big guy! He’s allowed to have fat over his muscles and still be a strong dude! I love it.

“Such a poser.” Girl, you need to meet Loki - he does a lot of hair flips too lol.

The sibling energy between the girls during the rescue!!!

“Whooooooa... this would be a cool way to die.” Yelena, I’m not necessarily disagreeing with you but get your head in the game girl.

Poor Alexei - he never gets to do the dramatic escape from *inside* of the aircraft.

Hang on, no ovaries? So all of these women are now in immediate, surgically-induced menopause? The uterus part makes sense if the intent was to prevent them from getting pregnant if they have sex during a mission, but, what, they gotta be on estrogen supplements for the rest of their lives? That’s just really poor planning. Like it was hilarious the way Yelena went into the biology of it to make Alexei uncomfortable, but that really doesn’t make sense to do to your superhero kids. It’s just bad science.

Love that Yelena keeps her vest even after she changes into her matching white flight suit. That vest better make it to the end of the movie.

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“Honey, we’re home.” I 100% expected her to shoot him on sight tbh. it would have been funny.

Alexei squeezing into the uniform is such a post-pandemic feel. Also all of the fancy braids at that table; I see where Natasha got her propensity for them.

Animal cruelty warning, ugh. Poor piggy Alexei.

Oooh the photo album and Natasha remembered staging the pictures; they’re emotional for her but in a different way.

I wonder if robocop’s shield is actually Alexei’s.

The singing between Alexei and Yelena was a really beautiful moment because it was neither auto-tuned-good nor hilariously bad - it felt really real, especially the way Yelena’s so choked up she can barely make sounds come out.

Uh-oh, mama has one of those monitor your vitals and kill your ass suits. The suits I understand - the eyeliner though... when and why did she do her makeup?? That’s not really the thing that comes to mind for me when I’m getting ready to do something athletic, like say kidnapping my supersoldier fake family.

“This is a much less cool way to die.” Also WTF why would they do that. Wouldn’t it be easier to get the information out of her while her brain is still attached to, y’know, her mouth??

CLEVER CLEVER CLEVER they switched outfits and faces ooooooh like mother like daughter.

The door opening as Alexei is leaning against it dramatically bahahahaha

I love the plan. I’m thoroughly weirded out that Melina has a red wig just lying around that perfectly immitates Natasha though.

“Yelena, it’s mama. You have a two-inch blade in your belt.”

Oh. My. God.

Antonia.

A pheromone lock preventing them from hurting them if they’re close enough to smell him - I like it. It’s clever and new.

Bahahaha poser! You posed I saw you! Still love the vest.

Natasha is really good at manipulating people’s emotions to get what she wants - I mean, scary good. So if she’s provoking Dreykov into beating her up, there’s a reason.

“Using the only resource the world has too much of - girls.” Kill him.

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When I say I whooped out loud... SEVERING THE NERVE. Thank you for your cooperation. YAAAAAAS QUEEN.

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“Slight change of plans - we are going into a controlled crash.” The way she said that was just so mom-like omg!

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The grenade as a delivery system was super smart - but yikes what if she’d mistimed it and blew Natasha up? Also, after the beating she took and how hard she had to wack her own face into the desk to sever her olfactory nerve and the amout of blood we saw her leave behind from doing that, her face should be a LOT more messed up, come on makeup department.

“Get as far away from here as possible.” And then keep going because General I-Collect-Supersoldiers-Like-Stamps Ross is about to turn up at your location looking for trouble and he’d snap you ladies up like there’s a fire sale and you’re going out of stock.

This crash doesn’t look all that controlled, Melina. I’m starting to suspect that most of the widows won’t live long enough to make their own decisions...

All of the aerial stunts were amaaaaaazing - the way Nat slowed herself by sliding down the panels so Antonia could catch up with her and she could deploy her parachute...

The vest survived the movie!!!

Fuuuuuck Ross is showing up and he sucks and I hate him and I’m super worried that he’s gonna take the vest from Nat if he takes her into custody. Please don’t let her lose the vest.

Okay, there is now zero reason for Nat to stay behind. They have an aircraft. She had plenty of time to just board it and leave?

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Okay okay okay Ross did not get her and did not take the vest. But am I supposed to believe she bleached her hair, toned it blonde, and then re-bleached and re-toned it to silver? Who does that? That would be terrible for her hair. Her scalp would be burned all to hell from the amount of chemicals needed to not only get all that red out but THEN get the blonde toner out. Y’know what color silver toner is? Blue/purple. Y’know what happens when you mix that with yellow? Green. And not a nice green either (I speak from experience). No. Her hair at the end of the movie? Cancelled.

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SHE GOT THE DOG!!!

Oh, ouch. Big ouch. I hurt like a lot now. This is so not an okay way to end the -

...

Countess I-Forgot-Your-Name-Already?

Oh no. Oh no. That’s worse. That’s a lot worse. We are now setting up the Hawkeye series and I while I’m horrified that this was how they ended the film, I gotta say that’s going to make for some wonderful angst in that series on both Clint and Yelena’s parts and I am here for it!

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I really, really enjoyed this movie, I thought the story was compelling, the stunts were really excellent, and I liked the character dynamics and the twist

I did not like the ending - it just sort of fell off quickly and didn’t feel satisfying after an otherwise really fun movie. I also take issue with the hair and makeup as shown among the characters, as seen in my several rants to that effect.

I would have liked to have seen a few more childhood/training flashbacks, and absolutely would have loved a cameo from Jeremy Renner (not just his voice) and to see him and Nat meeting and him giving her the whole dad speech that he does so well - bonus points if she could have then quoted him to Yelena or Antonia, showing the way that multiple people had a formative effect on her (an answer to the “The Avengers aren’t really your family either” comment).

#BlackWidowSpoilers #Black Widow Spoilers #Beth Liveblogs Black Widow

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theredherb · 3 years

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The Red Herb’s Top 10 Games of 2020

Hey, fuck 2020. You might notice that many of the “Best Of” lists you read this year and last can’t help but mention how terrible 2020 was. That’s because every day was like hitting a new, splinter riddled branch on our 365 day plummet off a shit-coated tree. The year brought with it a viral pandemic that served as a pressure cooker for the societal and systemic issues boiling beneath the surface of our every day life. And we’re not out of it.

At least one positive holds true of 2020: the games were pretty darn good. One has to wonder, though, if 2020 was the last year of what can be called “normalcy” for the video game industry. Now that the remainder of titles brewed in pre-Covid times are out in the wild, what will the future of gaming look like as studios shift to work-from-home and distribution models migrate to digital as the primary bread winner? What will games look like going forward?

I have no fucking clue. We’ll get there when we get there. But looking back, I’m glad to have had such solid distractions from the stress and strife. If 2020 is any indicator for the industry going forward, then my takeaway is that games will continue to grow in prominence because of their ability to help us cope and, more importantly, stay connected.

Anyway, here’s video games:

10. MARVEL’S AVENGERS

Oh, Marvel’s Avengers. I know you expected to be on more prestigious Top 10 lists than mine. Truthfully, I debated whether or not you should be here. But I had to search my soul (stone) on this one. Really assemble my feelings. Tony Stark my thoughts (?). Here’s the short of it: Marvel’s Avengers has a great story campaign with a surprising amount of emotional weight thanks largely to Kamala Khan’s quest to reassemble the heroes of her youth. Once the final cutscene ends, though, players were expected to take their play box of Marvel heroes, jump online, and duke it out against hordes of villains for the privilege of precious loot and level gains. It would be impossible to get bored because Crystal Dynamics was going to continually Bifrost in new quests, cosmetics, and heroes -- for free!

Except, after fans blasted through the campaign (took me a solid weekend), they found a multiplayer mode filled with repetitive fights against non-descript A.I.M Bots, a handful of dull, un-Marvelous environments (the PNW?! In a video game?! Wowwee!), and a grind for gear that became useless minutes after it was equipped. Oh, and bugs. Tons of bugs. It must be hard for A.I.M. to take earth’s mightiest heroes seriously when they’re falling through the fucking earth every other mission.

So why the Kevin Accolade™? Of all the mistakes and underbaked ideas, Crystal Dynamics got the most important thing right: they made me feel like I was a part of the Avengers. Cutting through the sky as Iron Man; dive bombing, fists-first as the Hulk; firing gadgets at cronies as Black Widow; cracking a row of skulls with Cap’s shield… Avengers is a brawler on super soldier serum.

The combat is crunchy and addictive, and surprisingly deep once you unlock your character’s full suite of skills and buffs. The gear matters little. But choosing a loadout that works for you -- like ensuring enemy takedowns grant you a health orb every time or turning area clearing attacks to focused beams of hurt -- does matter. When it comes to games with disastrous launches, Avengers is the most deserving of a triumphant comeback story because, if you clear the wreckage, I think there’s a solid game here. If I was able to spend hours playing it in its roughshod state, I can see myself digging in for the long-term once it’s polished up and given a healthy dose of content. You know...if Square Enix doesn’t outright abandon it.

9. STREETS OF RAGE 4

Here’s a fact about me: I love beat ‘em ups. From Final Fight to X-Men to The Simpsons, I prioritized my quarters for the beat ‘em up machines (and House of the Dead simply because House of the Dead fuckin’ owns). Unfortunately, Streets of Rage wasn’t in arcades, and I didn’t own a Genesis growing up, so I didn’t get around to the series until Sega re-released as part of a collection. Though my history with the 29 year old brawler is shorter than some, the basics stand out out right away: it’s an awesome side-scrolling brawler filled with zany character designs and high octane boss fights.

SoR4 nails that simple spirit while adding an electric soundtrack, buttery smooth animations, and an art style that looks like a comic book in motion. You can button-mash your way through the game or master your timing to combo stun the shit out of bad guys. Same screen co-op is a requisite for the beat ‘em up genre but I have to call it out nonetheless given that it's next to obsolete these days. The story campaign is, of course, finite but a stream of unlockables and a Boss Rush Mode pad out the package nicely.

I really don’t have to go on and on. I’m on board with any game that captures the arcadey high of classic beat ‘em ups, and Streets of Rage 4 does it with flare.

8. RESIDENT EVIL 3 REMAKE

Resident Evil 2’s remake was my game of the year in 2019. It’s a pitch perfect revision that captures the pulse-pounding fear of the original while beautifully updating its graphics and gameplay for modern audiences. The most striking aspect of RE2’s remake is how it expands and reconfigures the classic game’s environments and set pieces. Capcom managed to recontextualize, and even improve on, the original’s design while staying faithful to its tone and atmosphere.

Resident Evil 3’s remake is less successful in modifying and improving on its source material. If the game feels like it was handled by a different team than RE2R, your gamer hands have good eyes (roll with it). It was developed by a separate internal team (three different teams, in fact), but that’s actually one of many choices mirroring its 1999 forebear. Just like the original, RE3R is a tighter (i.e. shorter) experience that launched less than a year after its predecessor. And just like the original, the game skirts away from survival horror in favor of action horror.

Unlike last year’s remake, however, RE3R paints in broad strokes with the original material much in the same way that 2004’s Dawn of the Dead remake shared a vague resemblance with Romero’s ‘79 classic. Capcom at least nails down what matters: you play as Jill Valentine, beaten and discredited after the Arklay Mountains incident, during her last escape from the zombie besieged Raccoon City. Her exit is complicated by Nemesis, a humanoid missile that relentlessly pursues her from minute two of the game. Her only chance of making it out alive is by teaming up with a gaggle of Umbrella dispatched mercenaries, including an overly handsome fellow named Carlos Oliveras that you control for a spell. But fans struggled to get over what Capcom didn’t remake. Several enemies, boss fights, and a “divergent path” mechanic that had you choose how best to escape the Nemesis in a pinch were omitted from the remake. Even an entire section set in a clock tower was cut. But, let’s be honest, the biggest omission is a secret ending where Barry Burton saves the day using only his beard. For real, YouTube that shit.

If you look at what the remake does instead of what it doesn’t, you’ll find a lightning paced action game highlighted by tense, one-on-one fights against the constantly mutating Nemesis. The tyrant’s grotesque transformations evoke the mind-rending, gut turning creature designs found in John Carpenter's The Thing. It’s sad that Nemesis doesn’t pursue you through the levels as diligently as he did in the original, or as Mr. X had in last year’s remake, but these “arena fights” end up being harrowing and fun, culminating in a memorable final encounter. The remake also treats us to the best incarnation of Jill to date. She’s a cynical badass, exasperated at how Umbrella upended her life, and can take a plunge off of a building yet still muster enough energy to call Nemesis a bitch. RE3R also shines thanks to its snappy combat, including a contextual dodge that feels rewarding to pull off, less bullet-sponge enemies than RE2, and an assortment of weapons to get you through Jill’s Very Bad Night(s). It makes for a necessary, though shorter, companion to last year’s stellar remake.

7. HADES

I’m experiencing a new type of shame including a title that I haven’t beaten on my Top 10 list, but I can assure you that I’ve dumped hours into its addictive death loop. It’s probably because of my resistance to looking up any tips, but given the skill-check nature of the difficult boss fights, I’m almost afraid the top shelf advice will amount to “die less, idiot.”

My failings aside, Hades is brilliant. It’s the perfect merger of gameplay and storytelling. You play as Zagreus, son of Hades, and your entire goal is to escape your father’s underworld domain. You pick from a selection of weapons, like a huge broadsword or spear, and attempt your “run,” seeing how far you can make it before an undead denizen cuts you down. It’s familiar roguelike territory, but where Supergiant separates their game from the pack is in the unique feeling of constant progression, even as you fail. With each run, not only is Zagreus earning a currency (gems or keys) that unlock new skills that make the next go a little easier, you’re also consistently treated to new lore. The fallen gods and heroes that line your father’s hall greet you after each death and provide a new insight into their world. The writing is bouncy and hilarious, the voice acting ethereal and alluring, and the character designs could make a lake thirsty.

Supergiant’s stylistic leanings are at their peak here. They’ve managed the impossible feat of making failure feel like advancement. Sure, it totally fucks up other roguelikes for me, but that’s okay. None of those games have Meg.

6. DEMON’S SOULS

Whereas Capcom takes liberties with their remakes, Bluepoint took the Gus Van Sant approach and made a 1:1 recreation of the 2009 title that launched the “Soulslike” genre. The dividing difference is a 2020 facelift brought to us by way of the PlayStation 5’s next-gen horsepower. There’s been online arguments (surprise) regarding the loss of Fromsoftware’s visual aesthetic in translating the PS3 original in order to achieve a newfound photorealism. It’s true, some beasties lose their surreal weirdness -- a consequence of revisiting designs without the worry of graphical or time constraints -- but the game’s world is still engrossing, morbid, and bleakly gorgeous.

That’s not to say all Bluepoint did was overhaul the graphics and shove this remake out the door. No, their improvements are nuanced, under-the-hood changes that gently push the genre into the next-generation. For one, the loading times are incredible. You could hop between all five archstones in under a minute if you wanted. And this game is a best DualSense controller showcase outside of Astro’s Playroom. You can feel a demonstrable difference between hitting your sword against a wall compared to connecting it with an attacking creature. Likewise, the controller rumbles menacingly as to let you know enemies are stomping across a catwalk above you. “Better rumbles” was not on my wish list of next-gen features, but the tactile feedback goes great lengths to make you feel like you’re there.

Granted, sticking so closely to the original means its pratfalls are also carried over to the next-gen. The trek between bonfire checkpoints is an eternity compared to the game’s successors, and Fromsoftware hadn’t quite mastered the sword ballet of boss fights prevalent in Dark Souls. Instead, a handful of bosses feel more like set pieces where you’re searching for the “trick” to end it versus having to learn attack patterns and counters. Still, it’s easy to see the design blueprint that bore a whole new genre. From having to memorize enemy placements to hunting down the world’s arcane secrets in the hopes of finding a new item that pushes the odds in your favor. Bluepoint’s quality of life improvements only make it kinder (not easier) to plunge into the game, obsess over its idiosyncrasies, and begin to master every inch of it. That is until you roll into New Game+ and the game shoves a Moonlight Greatsword up your ass.

5. YAKUZA: LIKE A DRAGON

Here’s a fact about me I’m sure you don’t know: I love beat ‘em ups. Streets of Rage 4 had an easy time making it on this list because it can be classified as both a “beat ‘em up” and “good.” Here’s another fact about me: I’m not the biggest fan of JRPGs. I’m told this is not because of any personal preferences I harbor, but rather due to a distinct lack of culture. I’ve made peace with that. At least my uncultured ways are distinctive.

But my disinterest in JRPGs is notable here because it illustrates how very good Like A Dragon is. Transitioning the Yakuza series from a reactive brawler (entrenched in an open-world SIM) to a full-blown turned-based RPG was risky -- especially 8 entries into the mainline series -- but it pays off explosively for Like A Dragon. Not only does the goofiness, melodrama, and kinetic energy translate to an RPG -- it’s improved by it. Beyond a new protagonist -- the instantly likable and infinitely affable Ichiban Kasuga -- we’re finally treated to an ensemble cast that travels with you, interacts with you, and grows with you. Their independent stories weave into Ichi’s wonderfully and end up mattering just as much as his.

The combat doesn’t lose any of its punch now that you’re taking turns. In fact, it feels wilder than ever and still demands situational awareness as your enemies shift around the environment, forcing you to quickly pick which move will do the most damage and turn the fight in your favor. RGG purposefully made Ichi obsessed with Dragon Quest (yes, specifically Dragon Quest) as an excuse to go ham and morph enemies into outlandish fiends that would populate Ichi’s favorite series. It’s a fun meta that never loses its charm.

This is the best first step into a new genre I’ve ever seen an established franchise make and I hope like hell they keep with it for future outings -- and that Ichi returns to keep playing hero. There’s plenty of callbacks and treats for longtime fans, but RGG did a masterful job rolling out the virtual carpet for a whole new generation of Yakuza fanatics.

4. GHOST OF TSUSHIMA

Sucker Punch’s dive into 13th century Japan doesn’t redefine the open-world genre. But like Horizon: Zero Dawn before it, Ghost of Tsushima takes familiar components of the genre and uses them exceptionally well, creating an airtight experience that can’t help but stand out. I can tell Sucker Punch mused on games like Assassin’s Creed and Breath of the Wild, tried to figure out what makes those games tick, and then brought their own spin to those concepts. You can feel it in their obsession to make traversal through the environment as unobtrusive as possible, letting the wind literally guide you to your destinations instead of forcing the player to glue their eyes to a mini-map. You can feel it in how seamless it is to scale a rooftop before silently dropping on a patrol, blade first. You can feel it in the smoothness behind the combat as your sword clashes against the enemy’s. Every discrete part is fine-tuned yet perfectly complements the whole. The game is silk in your hands.

The mainline story can be humdrum, though. It mirrors the beats of a superhero origin story, which isn’t surprising when you account for the three Infamous titles and satellite spinoffs under Sucker Punch’s belt. But Jin Sakai’s personal journey outshines the cookie-cutter plot. His gradual turn from the strict samurai code to a morally ambiguous vigilante lifestyle (to becoming, eventually, a myth) is a fascinating exploration in shifting worldviews. This is bolstered by the well-written side-missions dotting your quest, some of which play out in chains. It’s these diversions about melancholy warriors and villagers adjusting to life under invasion that end up being the essential storytelling within the game. Whatever you do, don’t skip a single one.

Before GoT can overstay its welcome with collectible hunting and stat-tree building, the ride is over. If you find exhaustive open-world titles, well, exhausting, Sucker Punch coded enough of a campaign to sticking the landing and not more. But if you were looking for more, the game’s co-op Legends mode is the surprise encore of the year. It strikes its own tone, with vibrant, trippy designs, and a progression system that embarrasses other AAA titles in the space (I mean Avengers. I’m talking about Avengers).

3. THE LAST OF US PART II

The Last of Us is widely regarded as a masterpiece. It’s a melancholic trek through a realistic post-apocalypse, driven by the budding bond between a world-weary survivor and a would-be teenage savior. The fungal zombies and violent shootouts with scavengers were scary and exciting, but ultimately just window-dressing compared to the level of complicated, and honest, human emotion on display throughout the tale. While a segment of detractors helpfully pointed out that The Last of Us’ story isn’t unique when compared to years of post-apocalyptic books, comics, and movies, that argument seems to forget that a narrative more concerned with the human protagonists’ connections to one another instead of saving the world or feeding into a hero complex is pretty unique for games -- especially a high profile, AAA budgeted game.

Still, fans made heroes out of Joel and Ellie because of their own connection to their journey. And that connection is almost instantly challenged in the opening hours of The Last of Us Part II to heartbreaking effect. But I’m here to tell you that any other sequel would have been dishonest to the legacy of the original game. To be given a hero’s quest as a continuation, an imagined sequel where Joel and Ellie do battle against the viral infection that’s swept the earth, would have been a despicable cash-in. It would have been a mistake to follow-up the original’s careful examination of human nature just to placate an audience that seems to have missed the point Naughty Dog made. The Last of Us Part II hurts. But it has to or else it wouldn’t have been worth making. It’s a slow-burn meditation on the harmful ripples revenge creates, how suffering begets suffering, and how, if we don’t break the cycles of violence we commit to, suffering will come for us.

To drive this point, we’re given two distinct perspectives during the meaty (and somewhat overlong) campaign, split between Ellie Williams, the wronged party seeking revenge, and Abby Anderson, an ex-Firefly whose actions set the sequel into motion. The greatest trick Naughty Dog pulls off isn’t forcing us to play as a character we hate, it’s giving us reasons to emphasize with them. It was gradual, and despite some heavy-handed moments meant to squeeze sympathy out of the player (how many times do I have to see that fuckin’ aquarium?!), I eventually came to love Abby’s side of the story. The obvious irony being that she unwittingly walks the same path Joel did in the original.

My love for the narrative shouldn’t distract from how well designed the world is. Being a King County local, the vision of a ruined Seattle strikes an uncomfortable note -- it was eerie seeing recognizable buildings overgrown with vegetation but otherwise devoid of life. Maybe the heart-wrenching story also distracts from the fact this game is, by definition, survival horror. Exploring toppled buildings in the dark, hearing the animalistic chittering of the infected, defending yourself with limited resources… It manages to be a scarier entry into the genre in 2020 than even RE3R. There’s a particular fight in a fungus covered hospital basement that easily goes down as my Boss Fight of the Year. Human enemies make for clench-worthy encounters, too, with incredibly adept AI that forces you to keep moving around the environment and set traps to avoid getting overwhelmed.

Admittedly, the subject matter -- or more to the point, the grim tone -- was tough to stomach during an actual pandemic which has happily treated us to the worst of human nature. Still, The Last of Us Part II is absolutely worth playing for its balance of mature themes and expertly crafted world, and the way it juxtaposes beauty and awfulness in the same breath.

2. SPIDER-MAN: MILES MORALES

The most impressive thing about Miles Morales is that, despite being a truncated midquel rather than a full-blown sequel, it’s a better game than 2018’s Spider-Man. It’s not because of the instantaneous loading times or the fancy ray-tracing techniques used on the PS5 version of the game. Rather, it’s how it takes the joyride of the original game and hones it into a laser focused experience filled to the brim exclusively with highs. Like Batman: Arkham Asylum going into Arkham City, Miles starts the game off with his mentor’s best abilities and tools. From there, he discovers his own powers, his bioelectric venom strike, which ends up feeling like the missing ingredient from the first game’s combat.

Your open-world playground -- a locale in the Marvel universe called “New York City” -- is exactly the same size as the previous installment, which helps avoid making the game feel “lesser.” But Insomniac wisely consolidated the random crimes Peter faced into a phone app that Miles can check and choose which activity to help out with. Choices like this really trim the fat from the main game and help alleviate “the open-world problem” where the story’s pacing suffers because players are spending hours on end collecting feathers. This is great because Miles’ story is also great. The narrative kicks Peter out pretty early on, focusing on how Miles assumes the role of city protector, primarily focused on his new home in Harlem. Insomniac avoids retreading the same path paved by Into the Spider-Verse by telling a relatable tale where Miles defines his identity as Spider-Man. With a strong cast led by Nadji Jeter as Miles, the game lands an impactful story that weaves its own new additions to Miles’ mythos (light spoiler: I loved their take on The Prowler).

Miles Morales was pure virtualized joy from start to finish. A requirement of the platinum trophy is to replay the entirety of the game on New Game+. I didn’t hesitate to restart my adventure the minute the credits were over. Everything I loved about 2018’s Spider-Man is here: the swinging, the fighting, the gadgets, the bevy of costumes. But it gave me a new element I adore and can’t see Insomniac’s franchise proceeding without: being Miles Morales.

1. FINAL FANTASY VII REMAKE

I love subversive media, I do. And Square Enix’s “remake” of one the most beloved video games ever made subverts expectations by openly acknowledging that, yes, the original story you love exists and is consistently referenced in this game. But this is not that story. This is something..else. Because the truth is, SE could never have recreated FFVII and delivered a title that matched the Sacred Game fans created in their heads. That impossible standard is like an imagined deity, given power by feeding on raw nostalgia reinforced by years of word-of-mouth and appearances on Top 100 lists. I’m not saying FFVII is a bad game or that fans give it too much credit. Not at all. There’s a reason it’s so influential -- it’s good! But memory works in a funny way over time. We have a tendency to codify our perception of a thing over the reality of it. The connection we make to certain media, especially when introduced at a young age as FFVII had been to a whole generation of fans so long ago, creates a legend in our heads. Unfortunately, it’s a legend no developer could achieve when tasked with remaking it.

So Square...didn’t. Final Fantasy VII Remake has the same characters, setting, and plot beats as the first third of the original game but it’s not the same game, nor is it a remake of it in the traditional sense. It’s something new. And I fucking love that about it.

Everything is reconfigured, including the combat. After years of trying to merge RPG mechanics with more approachable (and marketable) real-time action (see FFXV and the Kingdom Hearts games for examples), Square Enix finally landed on the perfect balance. You fully control Cloud on the battlefield, from swinging your impossibly huge buster sword to dodging attacks. The ATB gauge (no one knows what the acronym stands for -- that information has been lost to time) gradually fills up, letting unleash powerful moves. But best of all, you fight in a party, and you can switch who to control on the fly.

That may not sound revolutionary, let alone for a Final Fantasy, but each character has a completely unique feel and suite of moves. At times, it feels like playing a Devil May Cry game where you can switch between Dante, Vergil, and Nero on the fly (that’s a free idea, Capcom. Hire me, you cowards). You can soften up an enemy with Cloud’s buster to increase their stagger meter, switch to Barret for a quick gatling barrage, and finally switch to Tifa to crush them with her Omnistrike. You can accomplish this in real-time or slow down the action to plan this out. It’s a great mix of tactics and action that prevents the game from feeling like a mindless hack n’ slash.

What really, really works here is the character work. Each lead walks in tropes first, but the longer you spend with the members of your party, the more their motivations and fears are laid out. You end up having touching interactions with just about the whole main cast. There’s a small segment, after Cloud saves Aerith from invading Shinra guards, that the two make an escape via rooftop.They make light conversation -- small talk really -- but it’s exchanges like this that feel genuine, perfectly framing their characters (stoic versus heartfelt), and grounding an otherwise larger-than-life adventure.

Many bemoaned the fact that FFVIIR only revisits a small portion of the original game, but I think it was a brilliant choice -- to massively expand on areas we only got to see a little of in the original. I honestly didn’t want to leave Midgar. It’s a world rife with conflict and corporate oppression, sure, but Midgar is beautifully realized, from the slums below the plates, populated with normal people trying to make the best of life, to the crime controlled Wall Market, adorned with gaudy lights and echoing honky tonk tunes. It very well may be years before FFVII’s remake saga comes to a close, but if each entry is paved with as much love and consideration and, yes, storytelling subversion as this introductory chapter… It’ll be worth the wait.

#gaming

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ill-will-editions · 4 years

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QUARANTINE LETTER #4

A fourth letter in our quarantine series, from our friend Icarus.

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EVERYTHING IS TRUE, NOTHING IS PERMITTED

“They’ve already destroyed everything, all the structures we believed in, trusted. Maybe we’re in a transitional phase, you know? There’s some sort of substitution going on. Meanwhile, we’re navigating in a tremendous vacuum, vaguely oriented by the stars but with no true reference point. Our compasses have gone wild, spinning madly, attracted by thousands of magnetic poles. We might as well throw them out the window, they’re obsolete. It’s just us and the night sky, like it was for the early explorers, while we wait for new, more advanced navigational devices to be invented. My only fear is that the stars have somehow gotten out of place and will be no help as references either.”

- Ignacio de Loyola Brandao, “And Still the Earth”

Dear friends,

It can be strange to intervene in someone else’s debate, but I don’t believe you’ll hold it against me if I do. Over the past weeks, I’ve rather enjoyed the commentary and exchange of letters between my friends, August, Kora, and Orion. Something about the reflections of my friends is missing for me still, so I’ll chime in without wasting too much time, I hope.

QUARANTINE: INCOMPLETE—WHAT WE THINK IS HAPPENING IS ONLY SOMEWHAT ACCURATE

Today, millions of people are working. In warehouses, in offices, in fields, kitchens and storerooms; from the computer, the sorting room and at construction sites, millions of Americans are sharing the coronavirus with each other and with their neighbors. Many of them are asymptomatic, a portion are not sick yet, and certainly some of them are still hiding their symptoms from their families, employers, and coworkers. No zombie apocalypse is complete without the inconsiderate hot-head who insists, deceptively, that his injury is “nothing, it’s fine, let’s keep moving”. Orion wrote that the virus imposes “its own temporality, which immobilizes everything.” If only.

Logistics, shipping, freight, warehousing: these are some of the largest sectors of the 21st century workforce, and they are all on overtime. From Whole Foods to Old Dominion, these disposable workers are simultaneously killable - insofar as the market facilitates their endangerment via assured contact with the virus - and indispensable, insofar as they must not be allowed to strike, unionize, or cease working that this society may minimally function. In these industries, overwhelmingly, black men and immigrants are crammed into job sites without any protective equipment. In other words, they are proletarians in the classical sense, and they are still at work. A true quarantine, a dignified exodus from the commodity society and its extensive productive apparatus, would halt all forms of labor and toil, a circumstance as yet unrealized. If we can say we are living in a quarantine, we must say that it is still incomplete.

AUTONOMY OR AUTOMATA?—THE PANDEMIC AFFECTS ALL OF HUMANITY—WHICH NO LONGER EXISTS AS SUCH

What we once called "society" (an entity which now insists it can survive unity and distance simultaneously, even distance for the sake of unity), has been replaced by billions of apparatuses. These apparatuses constitute a vast ACEPHALOGRAM - a system of machines designed to trace and retrace the consciousness of a world that has definitively lost its head.

The period of real domination opened by the aggressive economic and political restructuring in the 70s, 80s, and 90s - “globalization” - has pushed a vast quantity of workers out of manufacturing and into service related industries. Services being overall less profitable then commodity manufacturing and heavy industry, other technological implements such as we see emerge from Silicon Valley have filled the gap, so to speak, of lost profits for the economy by allowing large advertising and analysis firms to mine directly the collective human ambitions in art, sex, politics, culture, and society. To open up this mine, which has produced an existential ruin comparable to the environmental ruin associated with mineral mining, the internet has developed as a global network of pseudo participatory information systems. The data thirst of these industries cannot be sated by the administration of facts from the center or top, they must be produced by the masses directly. But technology does not simply catch data falling naturally from the sky or running off the gutters of consciousness. It produces data by arranging relations such that they produce content that can be bought and sold. Under such conditions, the medical, political, technological and ontological crisis of a pandemic cannot help but be experienced as a video, a collection of tweets, graphs, memes, as background noise, as a conspiracy theory, as a genre in the endless relay of notifications.

THE MIDDLE OF THE BEGINNING OF THE END—WHAT MAKES INDIVIDUAL INTERPRETATION POSSIBLE, MAKES COMMON UNDERSTANDING IMPOSSIBLE.

The truth is that social media has allowed billions of people to coordinate themselves into large and small containers of meaning and virtual energy. These containers, ecosystems of signs and signifiers, by dint of their polycentralized arrangement, function as an epistemological subversion of established truth-making infrastructures that require a certain amount of hegemony or global purchase: the scientific method, fact-checking, and debate. Occasionally, the understanding produced in these containers, theory-fictions more than anything else, incidentally conform to an intensity with physical correlatives capable of overpowering police infrastructures and seizing public space, as we saw across the world in 2019. More often, the echo chambers, as they are often called, curtail feelings of common dialogue and the perception of shared futurity that would be seemingly embedded in such a “global” sharing of information. This curtailing allows people of all “types” to be bundled together as data sets, insulated from the experience of true diversity of thought, of experience, of analysis. The polycentralized arrangement of the internet today may be even less participatory than previous eras of information sharing, even though it doesn’t feel that way.

Commentators and critics have used the ongoing crisis to delay the moment of our collective education with unwavering ideological entrenchment. At work, it is not uncommon for me to hear small business owners and day traders talk about the failures of socialized medicine in Italy, implicitly endorsing greater privatization in the US. Among activists, liberals, and leftists, it is impossible to imagine a greater indictment on the privatized, decentralized, healthcare system than what is taking place. Apocalyptic Christian sects believe the government is going to repress churches for gathering, and social justice advocates believe the coronavirus crisis will be “the same, but worse” on every oppressive axis. It’s hard to imagine another reflex.

While they recognize that the internet has plunged billions of people into a pulverized simulacrum, some of my comrades would have us devote ourselves to the dissemination of real news, of verified and sober analysis, of scientific rigor, in order to combat the prevailing disarray. This warms my heart just as it saddens my intellect. We have always been machine-breakers, in a way, revolting against the forward and crushing movement of industry to preserve a less alienated experience of reality, labor, and community. We aren’t wrong for that. We should be reliable sources of information, but not because we will convince people with our reports — which may no longer be so possible online — rather because we believe it is the right thing to do, and because we can at least proceed on a clear and shared basis with each other. But what other strategies could we utilize for analyzing the world that would allow us to act within the protracted vertigo, without trapping ourselves or others in ideological camps, and without losing revolutionary aspirations in a world where global verification of facts seems impossible, but where universal need for a transformation, fascistic or revolutionary, feels like common sense?

EVERYTHING IS TRUE, NOTHING IS PERMITTED—THE SYSTEM REDUCES ITSELF TO A PURE FLUX OF DYNAMICS

“We dreamed of utopia and woke up screaming

A poor lonely cowboy that comes back home, what a wonder”

-Roberto Bolano, “Leave Everything, Again”

For millennia, the administration of public facts was the cornerstone of political power, and stamping out alternative readings the chief objective of the repressive machinery. The ruling bureaucracy has organized itself to prevent any global loss of control. They’ve always done that. What is surprising is how readily, since 9/11 at least, perhaps much earlier, they have abandoned many important methods for doing so. As the possibility of imagining its own future became increasingly stamped-out, the reigning order abandoned any pretense of pursuing the ideals it propped itself up on, its sole promise being to ward-off unforeseen eventualities. Without embarrassing myself with long-winded arguments about things I am ill-equipped to discuss - certainly less knowledgeable than my dear friends are on such matters as philosophy and critical works - I’d prefer to refer to an argument advanced by Brian Massumi in his essay “National Emergency Enterprise”. In this piece, he argues that a primary strategy of governance is to identify all possible causes of a scenario. The market refashions environments that submit the living tissue of relations one and all to technological “dataveillance”, information which, in principle, allows the administrators of such a system to model its every possible outcome, translating every action into a trans-action, while ensuring that every aberration meets a form of control. He utilizes the example of a forest fire, but we can just look at the pandemic and it’s consequences.

The ruling class everywhere, has argued and governed as if the coronavirus is "merely the flu", justifying late responses and insufficient care, while also closing borders and taking emergency measures as if we are living in a veritable plague. There are strategies attached to every discourse, interests silently advanced with each interpretation, and powers produced and mobilized by every kind of theory and operation. Anyway, we have been living in the fall out of multiple convergent strategies for controlling and responding to this situation. The governors of the world, at least of the democratic countries, are basically throwing things against a wall and seeing what sticks. We can imagine that modeling and predictions are conducted endlessly based on analytics produced through data mining and network analysis purchased from Google, Facebook, Twitter, and elsewhere. As technocratic governments subordinate welfare states to the "science" of neoliberalism, the nihilism of the powerful today subordinates everything to the "science" of control.

Anyway, who organizes oblivion today acts with no principles and can only speak in lies. What does this mean for the rest of us?

NOTHING IS EVERYTHING, TRUE IS PERMITTED—TRUTH DOES NOT REQUIRE A SUBJECT ONLY LIES DO. LET'S KEEP IT REAL, WHATEVER THAT IS.

We can and are responding to this situation. The most important thing, from my perspective, is that we develop a vibrant enough ecosystem of strategies, corresponding to the largest possible interpretation of facts, without dividing our sympathies and concerns into rival fiefdoms and ideological sects. There are benefits to arguing that nothing of the situation is unique, that in fact the worst off before are the worst off now, that today simply represents an opportunity for us, etc. I am not among the comrades advancing this position, but I want to see the results of that framework as soon as possible, if it does not in fact raise the threshold for meaningful interventions. There are benefits to arguing that the quarantine is not deep enough, that the politics of mobilization have failed utterly to devastate the economy, but that a true lock down of the world could resemble the worlds first ever international wildcat general strike. I want to hear advocates of this position contend with the possibility of carceral interpretations of this argument. For those planting survival gardens, for those running autonomous rent strike hotlines, for those training in firearms, I want us to develop a shared enough perspective to see that there is a simple unity in our strategies, which is what is precisely, and incorrectly, attacked in Kora’s most recent letter to Orion: our autonomy. Beyond any individualistic misinterpretations, it is my perspective that the ability of human beings to self-authorize our activity, to determine our shared destinies, to control supply chains, vital infrastructures, and means of subsistence without the mediating factors of the market, are necessary prerequisites for a dignified life on earth. This is not to say, as Kora has intelligently argued, that anyone could come to control the unfolding course of history - a delusion that preppers, governors, and revolutionaries have all held - but precisely that autonomous, self-organized, structures are the only structures capable of responding quickly enough to the destabilizing, frightening, and uncertain futures lying in wait regardless of what we or anyone else do. We must utilize the current situation to repolarize the circumstances to the best of our ability around foundational concerns of power: on the one hand, there are all of the people of the world, some of them bastards we would not live with, and our shared need for dignified healthcare, housing, sustenance, and livelihood; and on the other hand there are all of the bastards waiting this out on yachts, manipulating public data for the sake of a geopolitical PR battle, utilizing the pandemic to pursue totalitarian power fantasies and clampdowns. We don’t need to steer the ship forward, we need to be able to swim in the wreckage.

Sorry, I wrote too much. Thanks for reading and I look forward to reading what others think soon.

-- Icarus

04.11.2020

STATE OF EMERGENCY, DAY 40

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

#Quarantine letters #COVID19 #USA #articles

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matildainmotion · 3 years

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Extreme Times, Transitions and Your Extreme Powers for 2021

This time last year I wrote a piece entitled ‘An Encouraging Blog about Despair’ – this was in early January, before the pandemic. My son loves that moment in a story when someone says, “Well, at least things can’t get any worse,” and then, right on cue, a whole lot of worse-ness happens. This year I am not going to attempt to be encouraging – I think we need something else, to match the gravity and uncertainty of the times, that recognises all the worse-ness that has happened. But what? Right now I am not sure. Let me see if I can write my way to find it.

The thing that has saved my sanity through the year has been the working on and writing of a novel. It has kept me sane but also driven me mad, but at least it has been my madness, of my own making as opposed to the world’s. It has been astonishingly difficult. Often, I have felt more articulate about the toughness of the process, than about the story I am trying to tell. The images I have used to describe it have included marathon running, mountaineering, white-water rafting and tightrope walking. I am struck by the extremity of these metaphors. I have done none of these things in real life, and yet I have had a visceral sense of their accuracy. Most of my writing has taken place where I am now, crouched on the children’s bedroom floor. I do not look like I am engaged in anything wild or dangerous, but I like the idea that both my making and my mothering – activities that are often seen as domestic, docile – are in fact extreme sports.

Photo credit: Viola Depcik, as part of the online exhibition: Portraits in Motherhood and Making during lockdown.

For now, I have come off the mountain of the book. Come January I will set about editing it – an attempt to turn the manuscript into something someone might actually want to read. This morning, I am in a moment of transition. What to write in the dark bedroom, before the children wake? Christmas wish lists and new year’s resolutions are the traditional seasonal texts, but I notice I have two counter impulses to these – two very different lists I want to write.

The first is not a wish list, but a list of the unwished-for. A backwards-looking list of some of the worse-ness of the year, not as a plea for sympathy, empathy, not out of a need to confess, or because I am looking for advice, but because it feels important to name it. In these last months, on those precious trips out of the house, I have had many two-metres-apart exchanges of the “How are you doing?” kind. “Okay. We’re surviving,” I reply, and then come away, with my groceries in hand, my mask hanging round my neck, feeling desolate, surprised that I should feel it so deeply, when I was not expecting any more from the exchange. I think it is because I want to lay bare the utter ugliness of the year, like when you pull the fridge out and expose the amazing accumulation of dirt underneath. I know that we have been lucky, so when I list some of our un-wished for times, I do it in full recognition that others have had it worse, much worse.

Here is a selection of my unwished-for list:

Easter – everyone in the house either shouting or crying or both. Still ill. My husband and son red in the face. My mother and daughter, white.

Then the times – more than one -when my son, who is on the autistic spectrum, needed a play fight, to channel the aggression he displays when he feels threatened (and a threat may be as slight as a joke he did not understand, a small change of plan). I offer to fight him, and as I face him, hold his wrists, the energy in his body, but also in mine, is far from playful.

A recent one - a double meltdown – my daughter screaming whilst we are Xmas shopping because she and I cannot remember something I said three days ago about her and a bauble she was hanging on the tree. Meanwhile it is raining. She is refusing to wear a coat. She runs away from me, up the pavement, beside a busy road, whilst my son, who cannot bear loud noise, lays down on the concrete and puts his hands over his ears. I am caught between the two of them – one on the run, the other on the ground. Masked people watching me, the rain coming down, the dark coming on.

Three in the morning and no one is screaming or sobbing but me – the children are sleeping peacefully, and I am not.

There is an edge to this – it is allowed to be hard, but it feels dangerous to expose the difficult details. It has not all been like this, but I do not want to sweep these times aside and hurry on. So I set them down, one by one, on the page. Then I can begin list number two.

This is a list not of changes I resolve to make in the new year, but ones that came on their own, and are ongoing, unresolved. A list of the transitions already underway. Because these arrive unbidden, this is a list of the moments when I understood that change is happening:

When I find I cannot read the instructions on the side of the ‘stuffing mix’ and I realise I need reading glasses.

When my period is two weeks late one month, and two weeks early the next. The skin on my eyelids grows dry. I read this too can be a symptom of the perimenopause.

When my daughter is at last weening (shhhh, don’t tell her, or she will object) and her favourite game is to play at being a ‘dumb baby’ who cannot remember where its mummy’s boobies are. She runs about the room, looking behind bookshelves and under covers, until eventually the baby realises that the boobies and the milk are on its mother’s chest. She does not want the milk now, she wants to play at being the silly baby, because she is turning into such a competent ‘medium big girl’ (her current definition of her size).

When my mother (granny) no longer wants to cook meals for us, but would rather that I cook for her.

When my son starts to grow a greater awareness of his separateness to me and I find him in tears one night because earlier in the day he heard The Beatles song “She’s Leaving Home” and grew afraid that this might happen to him – that he would leave one day, leaving only a note behind.

When my husband and I realise we are going to need to move again, find somewhere we both want to be, to settle, where we can grow older.

When the children wait for snow, go out keen to find the ice on top of puddles to crack and splinter, but the winter stays mild, wet.

And then there is the ‘transition period’ the whole of the UK is supposed to be undergoing, moving out of the EU, whether we like it or not. Lorries, stationary, but in long lines of transit, waiting to cross the border. And then there are the transitions- endless- from one tier to another to try to control the virus.

I think of others’ transitions too, of friends, and friends of friends: people waiting for a baby to be born; waiting for a loved one to recover, or die; transitions of age, gender, status.

What to do in response to these unchosen changes? I almost admire my daughter’s wish to fight them. Her maxim is not ‘to keep calm and carry on,’ but rather to keep screaming, whilst being carried. I am impressed by the volume of rage in her four-year-old frame as she attempts to stop things:

“You have to stop the car now,” she cries from the back seat, when we are in the middle of the road, “Right now. You have to do it. You have to, you have to, you have to…Mummy stop! Now! You have to stop!” It is a work-out of the will that can go on for hours and which leaves us both exhausted. It is extreme, and it makes me think back to the extreme metaphors for which I found myself reaching in trying to describe my writing process with the novel.

I counsel her in acceptance, but I recognise my own desire to scream against the times, to stop the world. Perhaps I need to flip things round - to harness the power of the scream, even as I accept the ways things are. Often I think of acceptance as passive, equanimity as cool and quiet. But I am not sure balance, as figured in this way, is the right metaphor for our times. The feat of balancing required now is that done by the tightrope walker, cliff face climber, white-water rafter – an athletic equanimity, a muscular form of acceptance that takes all our might, all our will.

Maybe it is time to reclaim the male image of the superhero. I like the way in the film of The Incredibles, the superheroic is recognised as a form of divergence from the norm, a daring difference, how the super ability can become a disability if the surrounding culture judges it as such. The image helps me to see my differences as potential superpowers.

A third and final list then comes to mind, a forwards-looking one, that might support me through the transitions of this time, and on into 2021 – a list of my extreme powers. If it comes to needing to grow food, hunt, light fires – wilderness survival skills – I will be useless, but I can do the following:

I can survive on little sleep.

I can hold onto the thread of a creative project or conversation through multiple interupptions and across many days.

I can imagine disaster, very fast, in almost any situation.

I can mother two intense children, both often awake till midnight.

I can name the elephant in any room.

I can write a novel in the hour per day when my children are watching TV (this is a slight exaggeration - when school was happening I had a little more time, but on a list like this you are allowed to exaggerate).

That’s it for now. I do not think we need to know or understand how our superpowers, our athletic abilities, can be put to good use. I do not think it is our job to calculate this, but rather only to keep in training. Ready. Skills honed. And also to notice, name and honour one another’s skills. I think I should write a list of my children’s superpowers too. As I write this, the children have woken and my husband is now showing my daughter the trailer for the latest Wonder Woman movie. My daughter likes her outfits, especially the golden bracelets. A glittering dress sense will be on my daughter’s list of wondrous powers.

The other day my husband shared with me a quote, from a Hopi leader in the year 2000, which seems relevant to my three lists as 2021 begins:

“There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore…..The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above water. And I say, see who is in there with you and celebrate.”

Writing a novel has felt like white water rafting, but actually being alive right now feels like that too. This year I offer, not encouragement amidst despair, but something more extreme - a call to arms, to your arms, my arms, arms that can carry children, stir soups, make stories - superhero arms strong enough, not to grip, but to let go of the shore. Mid river as we are, I want to celebrate each other’s extreme, extraordinary abilities. So, tell me your lists: the list of things you did not wish for, the list of changes underway, unresolved, and then the list of the superpowers you are hiding, honing, as we are swept along. What powers, however ordinary, bizarre, or seemingly superfluous, do you have to offer?

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violetsystems · 3 years

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#personal

I’m not in a terrible mood this week although I am completely exhausted with everything. Home is great when you have internet. Not so great when people try to disrupt it by setting up service on top of your address. People can be terrible communicators especially when they are focusing only on themselves. We live in isolated times I understand. The idea that people ‘project’ all the information you need is incredibly exhausting to have to read into all the time. Especially when no one bothers to read what you project back. I often wonder if it will get exponentially worse when people feel safer returning to a public facing world. I’ve been public facing throughout all of this and for many years prior. You can’t travel the world alone and develop some sort of toughness. The real trick is being able to turn your defenses on and off. It’s a reflex. Like how in one breath I can tell somebody to fuck off then turn my head and help a kitten from the sidewalk. If it were called acting then I would have a job already. I often have to look back at how I’ve grown over time to figure out the headspace. I’ve always been sort of awkward. Mostly because I was sensitive to what others thought of me. I’ve always been bullied as long as I can really remember. I grew up in an Irish Catholic suburb filled with white people, white pride and whiter drug problems than they cared to admit to. Most of my friends were losers and rejects. I kept to myself and listened to hip hop on a broken yellow sony walkman. People would call me the n word every morning on my way to school proudly claiming I was going to hell. I was a shy and nerve racked honors student. I grew up an only child who wrote poetry and science fiction. I played pen and paper role playing games by myself because nobody shared the same interests. At times, the friend groups that I did find had group agendas that dwarfed my social needs. This never really changed. I spent most of the last ten years revisiting this sort of solitude. I travelled Korea, Japan and China by myself. I stayed in hostels in group situations where I still felt uncomfortable. I developed skills to talk to people. I met a lot of weird people. I met a lot of nice people too. In Seoul particularly, I found a normal that I’d never really understood before. I’d go out and actually do things with people I didn’t know. I went to a guitar cafe once in a basement in a small neighborhood called Hyehwa. The group was myself, a hostel owner, a soccer fan from Dalian, and a random guest. We sat in silence as a small old man played “Goodbye to Romance” on a small guitar as silent Pink Floyd concert footage played out on the tv behind him. I escaped to Korea for a long time. I’d go every six months for two to three weeks on vacation. At the time I had the vacation from my job to use with impunity. If I stayed home in the states, people would follow me. I realized this later when I switched my trips to New York. My boss and my CIO would stop at nothing to contact me on my vacation to write emails they couldn’t formulate. Ask questions about things they already knew the answer to. Looking back on it, there are so many times people made my life miserable enough to make me quit. I never really got the message because I’ve been so bullied over my life that I learned to ignore it. My CIO famously cornered me in a hall once and asked what was wrong. He told me point blank I didn’t have a good poker face. I replied I wasn’t aware we were gambling. It was so subtle I don’t think he understood I wasn’t bluffing. I lost that hand six months later when he fired me over video chat. Nine months later I’m dead to an entire twenty years of friendships and professional connections. If I don’t look surprised or scared, it must be the poker face I’ve been working on.

This is to say I understand or process none of anything that has happened to me anymore. It hurts beyond hurting. And I’ve become an expert at dealing with it all alone and in silence. So much so that people follow me around like lost puppies thinking I can offer them clarity. Or treat me like a practice dummy in their attempt to haphazardly attack the real problems in society. I’ve never been so tired, done and particularly bored with everything until now. And yet the bitterness never really gets me anywhere except physically sick and depressed. Throughout all of this as the situation in society starts to worsen, I see people looking to me for leadership or guidance. This is often without even asking or having consent. They think I’m part of some revolution that they’ve never asked about. Nobody has ever asked my name. They just know me as the guy they see around all the time. That I’m some wise and silent protector of things when I’m just some regular person suffering just like everybody else. If you really added it all up and put these chapters I write together, you’d see an alarming trend. That for whatever movement people include me in, I’m expected to fight all of this alone. And me knowing full well how well movements and revolutions have left me completely insignificant and invisible after the things I have done is disheartening. People enjoy getting a reaction. Pushing all the buttons every time you step outside your door. Sometimes it’s a hundred yards before someone starts trouble. Sometimes it’s the minute you step outside either porch you share with your neighbors. The lack of dignity and respect is something I deserve because of my supposed position of power. America is like that. There is so little to go around that everything is a Hunger Games glorification. Classes need to provoke each other not identities. And yet we measure each other’s value by our differences and not our common strengths. America has always been a paradox in this way. The magical chaos of Anarchy that allows everyone to be free at the expense of others. The real way to be free in America is money. And money locks us out from the dialogue more often than not. It’s a great narrative that people can start their own businesses here in America when all the contract work is locked behind corporate recruiters, headhunters with signing bonuses and worse. That somehow at the end of a pandemic I’ve survived almost completely alone in I’m supposed to give in at the end. It’s like the clown in It gnashing it’s teeth as it shrinks into a harmless baby. I feel a bit sorry for America right now. And yet that clown has become less menacing to me and has been forced to feed on others. After all I’ve seen and been through I have no luxury to be afraid of anything or anyone. I have completely lost my innocence in that respect. And the face I put on for society when I walk out the door is one of stone. It is futile to expect that anyone can engage me with respect, humility and courage. Nobody can ever say my name. I have not heard my name spoken in forever by people I know well. I hear it spoke when I get Korean food down the street. My neighbors simply tell things to me. Or give me a longing glance like I’m supposed to read their mind, their agenda and trust their nosy intentions of being there at exactly the right time. We’re all in this together. We’re all connected. And yet after all of this I’ve realized no matter how well and good that may seem, it’s a liability to be social without a proper level of respect for your right to be human. Acting like the neighborhood secret police is not revolutionary. Acting like I owe anybody anything in this city after what IT has put me through is subliminal torture. I’ve told it like it is more than often about my life here in America. So much so that it echoes around the globe at this point as an anomaly. Is it really true that this guy clearly does not give a fuck about what anybody thinks of him? Yes. This is how I stay the fuck alive out here. I need you to understand just how desperate that sounds. Then I need people to realize that the only thing I’m desperate for is to be left alone at this point.

The reason I’m invisible to many people is that I’m not worth shit. We are all technically not worth shit. This might be news to all of you who read these. Because I generally feel the most care from people on this platform. I’m baffled by my own thoughts on this. How a click can mean more than the world to me than a bunch of people in real life shouting or glaring at me with hidden intentions. A glare and a hidden message on the internet is most likely spam. A glare in the streets with a knowing look is basically an invitation to fraud for me at this point. If you’ve seen me all over the place maybe you should ask my name or introduce yourself. And yet in Nazi Germany, you wonder if the secret police felt the same. The overall effect of having people follow, watch and keep tabs on you has this lofty narrative. Don’t you feel important now that secretly you are being watched? Don’t you feel special? I have travelled all over the world by myself at this point. I paid off the credit card bills to prove it. Do you think I don’t know what it is like to be surveilled and followed? Do you think in an era where white people actively target people and hurt them I feel any safer than anyone else? I am appalled at what I’ve heard in the news. And yet it is always the same root. White extremism. White culture. White people. Power abused. Defenseless broken down worthless trash in rebellion. Poor me for having a bad day. In my admonishment of my mother’s call for information for Ancestry dot com, we had a conversation about family. There are huge segments of my family I stay away from. My cousin who I have not spoken to for years lives out west. I learned last night that he sells guns for a living. My mom told me a story of his father who was an avid gun supporter. My parents approached him about being godparents. He replied that he would only accept on one condition. That when I came of age he would teach me how to shoot a gun like a real man. I’ve never touched a gun in my life. I’m a registered conscientious objector. I swing a hammer in game more often than not though I’m known to creep around with a sniper rifle in Cyberpunk. That’s a fucking game. My cousin is out there somewhere at a gun show with a Trump flag and an internet connection just like every other right wing troll on the internet. And I have to deal with the Fallout just the same. Everyone bangs away at their status messages and twitter feeds and accomplishes more of the same. Fear. It froths over. It never goes away. It burns into hatred. It becomes a righteous cause for which to stand behind. My rights to be free. As if holding a gun protects you. As if wasting your prayers on causing harm to others really heals the world. As if playing power and mind games on people you don’t know is somehow an act of liberation. As if boring me the fuck to death with how cool you think you are by thinking you on anywhere near my fucking level helps my situation. I have a right to be exhausting with all this performative bullshit. And yet the world keeps upping the ante. Like we’re in some high stakes Hunger games casino and the reward is your freedom at the expense of others. We are not all in this together until we can look each other in the eye and understand the cause of each other’s pain. The pain is that we do not communicate like human beings. We skitter and prey upon each other like animals. Animals remember when you feed and protect them. Humans are worse. If I know one thing about Planet of the Apes is that not even Mark Wahlberg can save you now. Just let me exist outside the dome and forget I’m somebody important. I’ve got my own life and loves I have to protect. You don’t know what I go through daily to honor that. And that secret is nobody’s business but mine. Since there are no jobs left in America, I’ll settle for that one. I don’t need a letter of recommendation. I write one every week. Yeah we all float down here. You’ll float too. Better than sinking. <3 Tim

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dandanthemotorcycleman · 3 years

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Winterizing your bike, and yourself

So, I’m a mid-west boy born and raised. Which means riding year-round is not necessarily advised. Hell, I don’t run outside past about early November so safe to say, the bike will probably also not be making an appearance past All Hallows’ Eve. I purchased my bike in the fall since it’s considered off season and I wanted a deal. I got one, but what that meant was, my first task with the new bike was to winterize it before I even got to learn to ride it. Since I haven’t been able to ride it, all I’ve been able to do so far is go out to the garage, sit on the bike, and imagine. I fired it up a few times, and even once bravely tested out the clutch by riding it from one side of the garage to the other. Boldly go and such.

The end result of my experimentation was a dead battery. Turns out motorcycle batteries are a tad finicky and don’t like being used but not charged regularly. Who knew? On top of my misuse, I purchased a used bike so who knows how the battery was treated before I so carelessly wore it down to nothing.

Being the nerd that I am, I immediately jumped into some online research to determine if I was going to need a new battery in the spring and how much one would set me back. As it turn out, how much it’s going to set me back can vary quite a bit depending on what level of technology I want to embrace. I’ll save you the full breakdown of options, but I’ve decided on a gel. I believe they boast a decent cold weather start capability, mid-range pricing options, are less likely to leak than an old school battery, and the play nicely with battery tenders. Battery tenders by the way are another topic entirely but for now just know that you’re going to need one.

Anyway, I may be getting ahead of myself. I may or may not even need a new battery in the spring. Step one, for now, was to remove the current (pun intended) one and hook it up to a battery tender for the winter. If the battery is still usable, the tender will keep it fully charged and it should be ready to hook back up and go in the spring.

So, my friend who was kind enough to test ride the bike for me was also kind enough to let me know that I needed to pull the battery for the winter, or I may have just left it on. Complete beginner here after all. He assured me it was a fairly simple procedure and should, “take about five minutes”. I don’t doubt that this would be the case for anyone remotely familiar with what they are doing. Forty-five minutes and three YouTube videos later, I had the battery safely removed and the seat back on the bike.

I’ll give you just a brief breakdown of what it entailed here so you have a general idea of what you’ll be doing, but I would highly recommend YouTube for some audio-visual assistance. I started by popping open the battery cover on the left side of my 2011 Sportster. This was fairly straightforward and even I didn’t need a YouTube video to make it this far. It was at this point that I began scratching my head. Two wires appeared to be attached to the red terminal and the instructions on the inside of the battery cover clearly stated, remove the black connection first. At this point, I’m thinking that I need to remove this bracket thingy (technical term) and probably pull the battery out to access the black terminal. Feeling a little crowded by the seat being right in my face, and wondering if it may be possible to access the black terminal from underneath the seat, I figured I should proceed by taking the seat off so I could get a better look at what I was getting myself into. Seat removal the first time for me was five minutes and the first two of three YouTube videos. The learning curve is steep on this and popping the seat off takes about 30 seconds the second time you do it.

After getting the seat off, I was welcomed by a jumble of wires but still couldn’t get to the negative battery terminal. Fair enough, the goal was to remove the battery anyway, so I may as well focus my energies back on that goal. Big pro of seat removal is that even though I think the battery can be removed without taking the seat off, getting it out of the way really makes it easier to see and manipulate the bracket holding it in place. There was only one screw holding the bracket, so I popped that bad boy off and the bracket came off easily enough after that. I slid the battery out of its compartment and there it was. The vaunted black terminal. Thirty minutes into my five-minute job and I’d found it!

Quick background interlude here. I served for a year overseas in Operation Iraqi Freedom. Spent a solid chunk of that year fixing radios and electrical systems in HMMWVs. That’s a Humvee for you civilian types. Point being, I’m not entirely unfamiliar with working on vehicular electrical systems. So I do have a healthy respect of what happens when someone shorts out a battery while trying to remove it. I managed not to do it, but apparently PFC Garrita dropped a wrench on one and it touched both terminals. Oh, and HMMWVs run two 12V batteries in series to provide 24V of output. From what I heard, the end result was spectacular, and sparks flew. The lesson here is, when you disconnect the black terminal, don’t let it make contact with the bike frame as it is often used as the ground. My college physics is a little rusty so I can’t go into too much detail anymore about exactly what would happen and why, but just make sure the black lead is tucked out of the way or even taped off if you’re the very cautious type. With a properly fused bike, it wouldn’t be the end of the world, but best not to test the system.

Unscrew the bolt from the red, or positive, lead and disconnect the cable. There you have it. Battery removed. Screw the bolts back into the battery so you don’t misplace them, and your battery is ready to hook-up to that tender sitting in your basement workspace. Close up the battery cover, pop the seat back on and pour yourself a beer, all while patting yourself on the back for a job well done. Try not to pull a muscle. It can be an awkward angle.

So that’s your bike taken care of, but how do we make sure we’re taking care of our own internal battery during the long cold winters with short, sometimes dreary, days?

Lean on friends. Don’t be afraid to reach out to old acquaintances. Remember that relationships are a two-way street and it takes traffic flowing in both directions to keep them active. If you’re feeling lonely and down, ask yourself what you’ve done to reach out to someone else recently. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and make an effort. Last summer when people were really feeling stuck home alone with the Covid blues, I commented on an old high school acquaintance’s post about a local distillery that he’d checked in at the year before. It’s a local distillery that’s opened just outside of my hometown and I was completely unaware of it. I think my comment was something to the effect of, going to check this place out when this whole corona thing finally passes. Next thing I know, he’s calling me via the Facebook chat app, and we end up spending the next two hours catching up. We were by no means best friends in high school, but it was great to talk to him again and I’m really looking forward to checking out that distillery when society opens up again.

I will say, if there is one silver lining to the pandemic, it’s the fact that we all have learned how to Zoom, or Houseparty, or Google chat or whatever group video call app you use. Point is, use one. I have some close high school friends that historically I’ve been lucky to see once a year and we’ve actually had more virtual “face to face” interaction in the last year than actual face to face time in the previous three years combined. Technology is making our world smaller and our friends more accessible.

That brings me to the second self service of surviving winter with the double threat of a pandemic. Keep looking to the future. Usually this time of year I start planning a road trip or begin eyeing up upcoming musical festival dates. Covid obviously makes this additionally challenging due to the uncertainty factor but start doing some research on locations that may offer outdoor activities as the weather begins to warm. So, there are certain limitations to our current ability to foresee the future, but try to remind yourself that winter and Covid, as with all things, will pass.

Try to stay active. I’ll be honest, I don’t like outdoor activities once the temperature starts to drop below 30, let alone the teens. I’m trying to get better at enjoying the winter season here in the Midwest. I’ve found having and wearing proper gear helps. Even with that, I’ll just acknowledge that I’m definitely more of a summer guy when it comes to outdoor activities. This makes watching my diet and hitting the weights all the more important from November to March. The nights may be longer, but that isn’t going to guarantee a good night’s sleep by any means. I struggle with being tired already by 6pm but then being unable to sleep at midnight when I finally crawl into bed. Even getting just 5 or 6 rounds of short but high intensity lifting or cardio during the day gets blood flowing and helps my body prepare to shut down and recharge at night.

Finally, find and keep alive, your year-round hobbies. Aside from picking up the bike as a hobby, I home brew, play guitar, and write…which is what brought me here. If your hobby is a productive one that results in say, some mildly palatable beer, all the better. But there’s nothing wrong with having a hobby with no end goal or use other than enjoying loudly and poorly attempting to play and sing along with your favorite songs while no one else is around. The more varied our hobbies, the better the mental exercise and more importantly, the more interesting and fulfilled people we become.

Until next time, take care of your bike and take care of yourself.

#harleydavidsonsportster changeabattery

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thedaveandkimmershow · 4 years

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28 years married... you change a lot. Not only as a couple but as individuals. And all the things they don’t tell you about being married?

You find out all that stuff too.

It’s both wonderful...

And terrible.

And everything changes. I’m not just talking about obvious plot twists like global pandemics, shuttered economies, tear-gassing pepper-spraying fire-setting bottle-and-rock-hurling randomly-grabbing-people-off-the-streets riots, or the fact that we live in a country with a population that clearly doesn’t share a common understanding of reality.

I’m not just talking about those things because that was all this year.

But travel back with me twenty-eight years ago, when we got married, and you’ll notice right away how there were so many things that didn’t even exist. They hadn’t been invented let alone conceived of. In fact during the course of our marriage the iPod was invented and became obsolete. Replaced, essentially, by the phone in my pocket that does everything the iPod does plus... it’s also my camera. And my desktop computer, too.

A.I. also sprang to life, by the way. Artificial Intelligence somehow working its way into every day life. In ways we never imagined.

And cars started driving themselves.

Then social media. It burst into existence, fixed itself into every part of our lives, and then turned into Godzilla rampaging through downtown Tokyo setting everything on fire with his breath.

Politics looks nothing like what it was in 1992. Neither does religion, for that matter. And people, too, aren’t who they used to be.

28 years.

Time and experience have done a job on us, too. In wonderful and terrible ways.

For example, at this point in our lives, things that were once daunting and nearly impossible to navigate are simple To Do’s on our lists. We’re capable of so much more than we used to be. You can’t even imagine.

Heck. I couldn’t have imagined when we were just starting out.

The thing is... we gained these abilities — like boundaries, like advocating for ourselves — we gained these abilities, learned all these lessons, the hard way. Straight up... the hard way. For sure I would’ve preferred the easy way... but the hard way does have it’s own methodology of revealing what’s important and what’s not. What’s a priority and what’s not. What’s a right now thing... and what’s not.

So yeah. There are more things than there used to be that aren’t... what? That aren’t important. That aren’t priorities. That aren’t right now things.

Gosh. There are so many more things that aren’t our things, you know?

You do you, we’ll do us, and it’s all whatever it is. No harm, no foul.

Now I’d love to say we’ve become wise human beings over the years. Of course I would. But while it’s absolutely true that we’re packing more wisdom than the twenty-something versions of ourselves, that’s less a product of intentional inner discovery than it is a product of surviving life’s challenges and plot twists, trap doors, white water rapids, and category 5 hurricanes.

What can I say? You learn a lot getting roughed up and surviving getting roughed up. You learn a lot about how not to step on landmines and how to recover when you do step on one and it blows up.

So yeah. We’re waaaaaay more capable today than who we were back then.

28 years.

And what do we have to show for it?

Maybe some insight. A touch of understanding. Definitely a lot of experience... bumps and bruises, scars that are left over from a long time ago, bunch of photographs, tons of memories, and a few awards.

Oh yeah. And one helluva life.

For example, twenty-eight years is absolutely the best of what we imagined marriage would be. It’s also the most specifically terrible stuff that surely must’ve been concealed from us in the fine print. We didn't, after all, embark on wedded bliss inside a bubble that would actually shield us from the world. So death?

Yeah, death showed up in our lives. A bunch.

Suicide?

Yeah, suicide was there, too.

Teen suicide?

Took my breath away. It was, in fact, one of the very few times my daughter ever saw me weep openly.

So that happened.

It wasn’t all matters of life and death, of course. But there was sure stuff in there that wasn’t what we expected.

We struggled through confrontation. We weathered depression. We were assaulted by unemployment.

And money problems?

Dude.

We did that one first.

Dysfunctional relationships?

They turned up every year, near as I can tell.

Pies in the face?

Same deal.

Betrayal and abandonment and indignity?

Yes. Yes. And yes.

And other stuff, too.

Lots and lots of other stuff. Too.

But what about love? What about the big L?

Well, love’s definitely propelled us through nearly three decades. It’s certainly sustained us this long. So yeah... love breathes life.

But love also makes life harder, my friends. Meaning the more people in your life that you love, the more hostages to fortune you’re carrying. The more you bear the weight of everything that comes gunning not only for you… but for all those who are dearest to you.

And yeah. Not only have we taken it in the teeth, the people we love have taken it in the teeth. Repeatedly.

And we grieved their circumstances just as surely as we grieved our own.

We grieved all of it.

So.

Along the way I took to documenting the fun and funny in our lives. Most of it was small things, tiny things sometimes. Quick laughs, easily forgotten. Ephemeral in their own way. I took to documenting that stuff because the negative threads running through our lives so easily stained our perceptions and memories. Suicide. Unemployment. Dysfunctional relationships. There were times when these were the only things we could remember.

They colored everything black.

Seriously. The year a young friend of ours took his own life, I woulda sworn that whole year was a no good, terrible, horrible, very bad year.

Except...

It wasn't.

Because when I read over all the stuff we'd actually done that year, all the stuff that happened to us and, incidentally, all the stuff I’d forgotten…

Well, it really wasn't shrouded in darkness at all. Not every day. Heck, not even every month.

There was life in there, always. Light. Laughter. Love. Adventure. Between the cracks, sometimes, but always there.

Always there.

I wish I could tell you why that is.

Are we made this way? Are we just lucky?

No idea.

For real. No idea.

But at the very point reason abandons me, there's this, irrefutable fact. The woman I married is badass. She's funny. She's smart. She’s creative. She thinks out of the box in ways that produce answers, results, improvements... plus it’s a skill that’s seriously billable. She’s a renaissance woman. She's talented like crazy. She's beautiful in ways I couldn't imagine when we got married. She fills and fulfills my life in myriad ways. She surprises me.

Think on that for a moment. Almost three decades later…

She still surprises me.

For those of you shopping around for a future wife or husband, I would say Friendship's gonna be number one with a bullet. Badass and Funny are definitely near the top of the list. Also keep a keen eye out for Compassion, Grace, and an ability for Peace. 'Cause you will run into terrible things, the both of you. And it takes more than graduate and post-graduate degrees, sometimes, to get through a single day, or even recover from one moment.

Passion... that's another one. And not just sexual, by the way, although that does make sex way more fun. ;-) But passionate about life. Passionate about people. Passionate about the things that are important to them.

Seriously. 'Til death do us part is longer than you think when you're a twenty-something. It completely helps when you both have the ability to never be bored. And be able to engage damn near anything.

It helps when you’re both compatible in ways none of us thinks about when we think about Love. When we think about Romance. When we think about Forever.

It’s important to think about those things, though, because Forever is a very long time, my friends.

And you can’t do that with just anybody.

I couldn’t do that with just anybody.

Which is why I said, "I do". Which is why she said, "I do". And which is how we were able to navigate the life that both unfolded and unraveled after that. A life that’s been breathtaking in wonderful and terrible ways.

And yeah of course we’re thankful for the Wonderful.

But when it comes to the Terrible…

We’re Thankful for each other.

:-)

#marriage #married #wedding #relationship #friendship #forever #love #laughter #wisdom #experience #learning #wonderful and terrible #wedding anniversary #things we learned #change #learning to deal #I do

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tabloidtoc · 4 years

Text

People, September 28

Cover: A Killer in the Woods and a Teen’s Brave Escape

Page 3: Chatter -- Demi Lovato on getting engaged to Max Ehrich after four months together, John Legend joking about expecting a third child with his wife Chrissy Teigen, Kelly Clarkson on moving on after filing for divorce in June, Keith Urban on wife Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry on struggling to get roles after her 2002 Oscar win, Jennifer Garner responding to a commenter who’d asked if she was pregnant on Instagram

Page 4: 5 Things We’re Talking About This Week -- Golden Girls gets an all-Black reimagining, Rick Moranis makes a comeback for an ad with Ryan Reynolds, Keeping Up with the Kardashians goes kaput, Franzia introduces a boxed-wine backpack

Page 6: Contents

Page 8: StarTracks -- Naomi Osaka won the U.S. Open final and sported face masks honoring Black people who have been victims of racial violence

Page 9: Mariah Carey styling daughter Monroe’s hair, Shakira showed off a bikini she designed, Kate Hudson wore a cute cat face mask while she did some shopping at Palisades Village

Page 10: Stars’ Best Friends -- Dua Lipa and Anwar Hadid walked their new pup Dexter in West Hollywood, Dennis Quaid was all smiles when he met a rescue pup on the set of Hallmark Channel’s Home & Family, Hugh Jackman strolled through N.Y.C. with his dogs Allegra and Dali, Ryan Reynolds wished his dog a happy birthday, PLEASE ADOPT, DON’T SHOP

Page 11: Tom Brady’s first game for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in New Orleans, Russell Dickerson and wife Kailey welcomes their first child Remington Edward, Bethenny Frankel during a surf lesson in the Hamptons

Page 12: Royals Back Out & About -- Camilla Duchess of Cornwall visited the Medical Detection Dogs training center where trials are underway to determine if dogs can detect COVID-19, newlywed Princess Beatrice stepped out for a shopping trip in London as her husband waited in the car nearby, Prince William attended a Police Service of Northern Ireland Wellbeing Volunteer Training course in Belfast

Page 15: Scoop -- Katie Holmes’ hot new romance with Emilio Vitolo Jr.

Page 16: When they announced their split The Bachelor’s Colton Underwood and Cassie Randolph said they’d remain friends but that is decidedly not the case -- Cassie was granted a restraining order against Colton claiming he showed up unannounced outside her Southern California home and placed a tracking device on her car

Page 17: Tyra Banks takes charge on Dancing with the Stars

Page 18: Heart Monitor -- Lily Allen and David Harbour just married, Justin and Hailey Bieber happy anniversary, Jacob Elordi and Kaia Gerber new couple

Page 20: Tenet’s John David Washington on fame and family and a bold new movie, Baby Boom -- Alec and Hilaria Baldwin, Adam Brody and Leighton Meester

Page 21: Kate Gosselin accuses Jon Gosselin of abuse

Page 22: Passages, Why I Care -- after losing her brother to leukemia when they were kids Cindy Crawford is raising awareness about pediatric cancer

Page 23: Diana Rigg 1938-2020

Page 24: Stories to make you smile

Page 27: People Picks -- Ratched

Page 28: Micky Guyton -- Bridges, Q&A with Chris Messina

Page 29: Blackbird, Unpregnant

Page 30: The Devil All the Time, Long Way Up

Page 31: Antebellum

Page 32: Books

Page 34: Cover Story -- Terror in the Woods -- Jack Gershman and his dad Ari were off-roading in a California forest when they stopped to get their bearings and a stranger opened fire -- Ari was murdered and Jack escaped into the wilderness running for his life

Page 40: Willie Nelson and his sister Bobbie Nelson -- she’s still my closest friend -- in a new book the country star and his sibling and longtime musical collaborator look back on their tragedies and triumphs

Page 45: Regina King -- all hail the king! -- the winner of 3 Emmys and an Oscar just directed her first film and is loving every minute of being on top

Page 48: Tragedy on the West Coast -- it’s like the end of the world -- unprecedented wildfires in California and Oregon and Washington turn millions of acres into ash forcing thousands to flee and choking the region with toxic smoke

Page 52: Pauly Shore -- still crazy after all these years -- the ‘90s comedy star survived a career implosion and coped with private grief and now at 52 he’s ready to be his goofy self again

Page 56: Lady Gaga and her mom Cynthia Germanotta -- how we healed our relationship -- the star and her mother’s new book Channel Kindness was inspired by their own journey from trauma to understanding

Page 58: Gabourey Sidibe -- you’re lucky to have me -- the actress is feeling some serious swagger these days with a new movie and a live-in love and a blessed career turn

Page 60: The Home Edit founders Joanna Teplin and Clea Shearer -- building an empire organizing stars’ stuff -- two Nashville moms had the idea that getting rid of clutter could be fun and pretty and now they’re celebrity gurus and TV stars

Page 65: The It Gets Better Project: 10 Years Later -- I learned how to really live -- as a closeted LGBTQ teen Lark Doolan contemplated taking his own life and now as an openly trans man he reflects on the video series that helped him find hope

Page 68: Kim Cattrall -- finding joy in letting go -- the former Sex and the City star is back on TV with a hot new show and ready to move on from the past

Page 70: Coronavirus in America -- back to school -- as the pandemic continues to claim lives parents and students and teachers and administrators around the nation share their hopes and fears for this strange new school year

Page 74: Country singer Lauren Alaina -- single and stronger than ever -- following two painful breakups the country star is embracing independence after healing her heart

Page 76: The Fall family survival guide

Page 81: Melanie Griffith -- what my life’s really like -- the actress opens up about finding balance and staying friends with her exes and managing all this group texting

Page 82: Style -- it’s time to update your underwear drawer

Page 87: Second Look -- Evan Rachel Wood and Gina Rodriguez in Kajillionaire

Page 88: One Last Thing -- Ziggy Marley -- the Grammy winner and dad of seven is releasing a new kids’ album

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disillusioned41 · 3 years

Link

In an example to the rest of the scientific community and an effort to wake up people—particularly policymakers—worldwide, 17 scientists penned a comprehensive assessment of the current state of the planet and what the future could hold due to biodiversity loss, climate disruption, human consumption, and population growth.

"We aim to provide leaders with a realistic 'cold shower' of the state of the planet that is essential for planning to avoid a ghastly future." — 17 scientists

"Ours is not a call to surrender—we aim to provide leaders with a realistic 'cold shower' of the state of the planet that is essential for planning to avoid a ghastly future," according to the perspective paper, co-authored by experts across Australia, Mexico, and the United States, and published in the journal Frontiers in Conservation Science.

Co-author Paul R. Ehrlich of Stanford University's Center for Conservation Biology—who has raised alarm about overpopulation for decades—told Common Dreams his colleagues "are all scared" about what's to come.

"Scientists have to learn to be communicators," said Ehrlich, citing James Hansen's warning about the consequences of "scientific reticence." Hansen, a professor at Columbia University's Earth Institute and former director of the NASA Goddard Institute for Space Studies, testified to Congress about the climate crisis in 1988.

Ehrlich was straightforward about how "extremely dangerous things are" now and the necessity of a "World War II-type mobilization" to prevent predictions detailed in the paper: "a ghastly future of mass extinction, declining health, and climate-disruption upheavals (including looming massive migrations), and resource conflicts."

"What we are saying might not be popular, and indeed is frightening. But we need to be candid, accurate, and honest if humanity is to understand the enormity of the challenges we face in creating a sustainable future," said co-author Daniel T. Blumstein of the Institute of the Environment and Sustainability at the University of California, Los Angeles, in a statement about the paper.

"By scientists' telling it like it is, we hope to empower politicians to work to represent their citizen, not corporate, constituents," he said in an email to Common Dreams.

The paper, Ehrlich and Blumstein pointed out, comes in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic—which, according to Johns Hopkins University, has killed nearly two million people. Over the past year, the Covid-19 crisis has provoked calls for humanity to end its destruction of the natural world to prevent future public health catastrophes.

"We're all seeing the shocks to our global systems now from Covid and the rise of authoritarian leaders," Blumstein said. "Because our current ways of life are ecologically unsustainable (we're living in an ecological Ponzi scheme), we fully anticipate more—and more deadly—pandemics in the future. We expect civil unrest, wars, and famines. We are all shaken by the likelihood of the collapse of civilization as we know it."

The new warning from scientists, Blumstein noted, cites over 150 other papers "documenting the diverse and shocking decline in biodiversity and planetary 'health' and their consequences." Among the cited sources is a World Wide Fund for Nature (WWF) report that in September revealed an "average 68% decrease in population sizes of mammals, birds, amphibians, reptiles, and fish between 1970 and 2016."

"In the midst of a global pandemic, it is now more important than ever to take unprecedented and coordinated global action to halt and start to reverse the loss of biodiversity and wildlife populations across the globe by the end of the decade, and protect our future health and livelihoods," WWF International director general Marco Lambertini said at the time.

The co-authors—including William J. Ripple of Oregon State University, who last year led thousands of scientists in declaring a climate emergency and earlier this month led a call for "a massive-scale mobilization to address the climate crisis"—echoed Lambertini's message while also underscoring the importance of increasing awareness about what's actually needed.

"Humanity is causing a rapid loss of biodiversity and, with it, Earth's ability to support complex life. But the mainstream is having difficulty grasping the magnitude of this loss, despite the steady erosion of the fabric of human civilization," the paper says.

"In fact, the scale of the threats to the biosphere and all its lifeforms is so great that it is difficult to grasp for even well-informed experts," said lead author Corey Bradshaw of Australia's Flinders University in a statement. "The problem is compounded by ignorance and short-term self-interest, with the pursuit of wealth and political interests stymieing the action that is crucial for survival."

The paper explains that "while suggested solutions abound, the current scale of their implementation does not match the relentless progression of biodiversity loss and other existential threats tied to the continuous expansion of the human enterprise." According to its authors, "That we are already on the path of a sixth major extinction is now scientifically undeniable."

"With such a rapid, catastrophic loss of biodiversity, the ecosystem services it provides have also declined," the paper explains. Consequences include "reduced carbon sequestration, reduced pollination, soil degradation, poorer water and air quality, more frequent and intense flooding and fires, and compromised human health."

Highlighting estimates that the human population will near 10 billion by 2050, the scientists lay out how "large population size and continued growth are implicated in many societal problems," from food insecurity, soil degradation, biodiversity loss, and an increased chance of pandemics, to crowding, joblessness, deteriorating infrastructure, and bad governance.

"Recycling, using less plastic, eating less meat, taking public transportation, and flying less, while all important, will simply not create the rapid change we need now to save much of the Earth's biodiversity and our lives." —Daniel Blumstein, UCLAThe paper also details the planetary impacts of dirty energy and carbon-intensive food production, and says that "while climate change demands a full exit from fossil fuel use well before 2050, pressures on the biosphere are likely to mount prior to decarbonization as humanity brings energy alternatives online."

A section on failed international goals declares that "stopping biodiversity loss is nowhere close to the top of any country's priorities, trailing far behind other concerns such as employment, healthcare, economic growth, or currency stability."

"The dangerous effects of climate change are much more evident to people than those of biodiversity loss, but society is still finding it difficult to deal with them effectively," the scientists note, while decrying "utterly inadequate" efforts by governments to even try to meet the targets of the landmark Paris climate agreement.

They further decry the recent rise of right-wing, anti-environment agendas in countries including Australia, Brazil, and the United States—which recently denied President Donald Trump a second term. Ehrlich expressed hope that President-elect Joe Biden will work to deliver on the climate promises he made as a candidate.

Biden's vow to rejoin the Paris agreement "is positive news," but "it is a minuscule gesture given the scale of the challenge," Ehrlich said in a statement.

The president-elect "is moving in the right direction," Ehrlich told Common Dreams, pointing to the selection of former Secretary of State John Kerry as his climate envoy. However, "the Paris goals are increasingly looking inadequate," and "Biden's political opportunities to do anything major may be greatly constrained," he added.

Blumstein stressed that "recycling, using less plastic, eating less meat, taking public transportation, and flying less, while all important, will simply not create the rapid change we need now to save much of the Earth's biodiversity and our lives."

According to Blumstein, "We need rapid political change."

He urged voters to elect leaders who will end fossil fuel use as well as "eliminate perpetual economic growth and properly price externalities so that the environmental costs are built into the price of a product." He also emphasized the importance of access to education and reproductive control, and the need to rein in corporate lobbying and enact campaign finance reform so politicians serve citizens' needs.

"Ultimately," Blumstein added, "we must focus on making equity and well-being society's goals—not the constant accumulation of more junk."

In their paper, the UCLA scientist and his 16 co-authors "contend that only a realistic appreciation of the colossal challenges facing the international community might allow it to chart a less-ravaged future."

It is "incumbent on experts in any discipline that deals with the future of the biosphere and human well-being to eschew reticence, avoid sugar-coating the overwhelming challenges, ahead and 'tell it like it is,'" they conclude. "Anything else is misleading at best, or negligent and potentially lethal for the human enterprise at worst."

#Common Dreams #politics #the environment #climate change

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jeremystrele · 3 years

Text

Singer-Songwriter-Survivor Ngaiire On Motherhood, Music + Building From The Rubble

Family

Ashe Davenport

Singer-songwriter Ngaiire her three-year-old son, Dovey. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Ngaiire really embraced the concept of self-care during the pandemic. ‘I pretty much live and breathe my work. But then COVID hit, and I started to see the value of creating little nooks around the house, to read in and be still,’ she says. This corner is one of them. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Ngaiire’s mum (who lives with them in their house on the Central Coast!) made Ngaiire and Dovey’s INCREDIBLE matching outfits from Spotlight fabrics. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

During a period of intense trauma and turbulence in Ngaiire’s adolescence, she found solace in her mum’s CD collection, which featured Mariah Carey, Bob Marley and Alicia Keys. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

‘Every day I worry, “Am I doing too much work and (giving) too much energy for my music and not enough with him?” The balancing can be agonising!’ says Ngaiire. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Ngaiire is a design and architecture obsessive! Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

‘I never imagined that, despite how traumatic my birthing story was, the miracle of becoming a mother literally plugged me into a creative life source I never knew I could access. (It) felt like a tap had been turned on, and the parameters of my creativity broadened. The irony of having your motivation to create triple (while) having your energy levels completely diminished at the same time can feel like a cruel joke!’ Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Up until recently, Dovey’s favourite song was the Harry Styles banger ‘Adore You’. Now, it’s ‘Boogie Wonderland’ by Earth, Wind & Fire. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Ummmmm, how beautiful is the fam’s Central Coast pad?! Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

‘The times Dovey has seen me sing he gets very still, which is great, because he’s never that still unless he’s asleep! It’s like he understands something special is happening,’ says Ngaiire. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Ngaiire and Dovey’s lockdown activity was planting seedlings. Dovey’s now seen a full year of crops grow! Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Like mother, like son! Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Life has tried to pull Ngaiire under on multiple occasions. At three-years-old she was diagnosed with cancer of her adrenal glands. She’s spoken about the friends she made on the oncology ward, and sung for the ones she lost. At age 12, in her homeland of Papua New Guinea, Ngaiire survived a volcanic eruption that covered her house in ash and separated her from her mother for several months.

‘Aren’t you supposed to be dead?’

The question was asked by her nephew in a dream that would become the basis for her song ‘Once’ (track two on her hit 2016 album Blastoma). In the music video, Ngaiire travels through the carriages of a moving train, each one representing a chapter of her life. In some she’s being pulled at, stripped, hospital-gowned. In others she is fluid, in charge and perfectly synchronised.

She’s risen from the ashes again and again, caped in fuchsia and gold.

This is an edited and condensed version of our conversation, which wasn’t so much about where she’s been, but where she is now, safe in the home she built from the rubble.

Can you please tell me everything about this outfit?

When I found out Nadav and I would be doing this shoot, I died. I’m a lowkey hard out nerd for design and architecture. I’ll sadly admit that Design Files is probably one of my top 3 most visited IGs daily. I’m OBSESSED.

When I got the news, I immediately sketched up two outfits for Nadav and I, went to Spotlight to get some fabric, then commissioned my mother (who is currently living with us) to sew them. Mum’s been [making my clothes] for decades, so it wasn’t our first rodeo. It helped that she’d already set up a mini sewing factory downstairs for our little toddler clothing label, Dovey Nero, which we’ve been slowly building and taking our time testing the market with. What Dovey is wearing is a little taste of what we’re currently working on.

What’s it like sharing so much of your story in your music?

Being a singer, my whole instrument is very much connected to how I’m feeling and what might’ve happened to me that morning or that week. When you’re working in an office, you’re expected to leave your personal issues at the door. But when it comes to music, it’s about finding that balance, and utilising your emotional backlog to tell a story. The wonder of songwriting is that your story becomes someone else’s anchor, or road map, to joy, relief or even salvation.

How do you manage all of that emotional expense? Are you drained AF?

I don’t know how I manage it. It can be really taxing, especially being a mama. I have a three-year-old, which can be a lot, both physically and emotionally. Every day I worry, am I doing too much work and (giving) too much energy for my music and not enough with him? The balancing can be agonising!

How do you get out of the working parent guilt loop? Is there something you do that’s just yours?

I pretty much live and breathe my work. But then COVID hit, and I started to see the value of creating little nooks around the house, to read in and be still. It takes me forever to get through a book these days, but if I can just steal 5-10 minutes, read some literature, even just look out the window at the bush we live behind. The concept of self-care is something I’ve definitely come to understand more during the pandemic.

How does the parenting load get divided in your house?

My husband’s carrying a lot of the load right now. He’s a designer by trade and his workload varies. It’s amazing that it’s worked out the way it has, with me having such a big work year ahead. He’s doing most of the parenting while I release this album.

In terms of what daycare days look like, I mean, we always swear to wake up earlier to drop Nadav and start our work days, but it’s really hard sometimes. Especially if he wakes up a few times at night and you just want to doze that little bit longer!

How does motherhood compare to your expectations of it?

It met ZERO of my expectations! In fact it surpassed any idea I possibly had of how hard, but also how rewarding and life-altering it would be. It elevated the respect I had for myself as someone who was (able) to bring life into the world.

Being a sickly child, my chances of getting pregnant were considered low. I never imagined that despite how traumatic my birthing story was, the miracle of becoming a mother literally plugged me into a creative life source I never knew I could access. (It) felt like a tap had been turned on, and the parameters of my creativity broadened.

The irony of having your motivation to create triple (while) having your energy levels completely diminished at the same time can feel like a cruel joke!

How does Nadav respond to your music?

Singing is a deeply spiritual thing for me. It connects me to something that not a lot of people have access to, and we as artists kind of become the conduits for that for our audience.

The times Dovey has seen me sing he gets very still, which is great, because he’s never that still unless he’s asleep! It’s like he understands something special is happening. I have no idea what he’s taking in, but based on what I get from music, I can only assume he’s taking on a multitude of information. Maybe on some level he’s understanding how the world works. How to relate to people, and how deep that connection can be.

What messages do you hope a grown up Nadav will take from your songs?

I want him to grow up feeling like he can do anything he wants to do in this life, whether it’s music or something else completely opposite. I hope he always stays in touch with that reverence for music and that he knows that he is very privileged to be able to ingest it in a way that not a lot of kids are afforded. I hope he also still feels like I’m around for him through my songs even when I’ve passed on. And that I did the best I could despite my challenges so he (could) too.

Did you find that deeper level through music or did you already know about it and that’s what led you to music?

Before I’d hit 12 or 13, I’d been through so many huge life traumas. I had cancer, and my family lost their property and all their belongings to a major volcanic eruption. We were living in the bush, separated from my Mum for a fair while. She was looking for us frantically, but couldn’t contact us because everything was down, the phone lines, everything. She reached us through emergency announcements over AM radio, which a relative luckily caught (wind) of. The organisation she’d been working for chartered a plane, which landed in a nearby clearing and zipped us out of there to the mainland. Shortly after that, my mother found herself in an abusive second marriage, which was pretty traumatising for us, but 100% more so for her.

At that point in my life, I found solace in Mum’s CD collection. I’d listen to Mariah Carey on repeat, memorising every word from inside the cassette cover, and anything else (from) Bob Marley to Deep Forest (laughs). When we moved to Australia, I took up music at school. I sang ‘Fallin’ by Alicia Keys in front of the school assembly, (which) was a big moment. From that point, I understood I had something that affected people a certain way, beyond the noises that came out of my mouth. I knew I had to continue chasing music.

What can we expect from your upcoming album? What does it represent for you?

It’s an actual journey, not in a cliché way, but in that every song on it serves as an integral part of the sonic trajectory. You appreciate each song more if you hear them in context of the whole body of work, and I think that’s the beauty of what Jack Grace (my co-producer) and I are good at doing as a team – making music that breathes as a complete organism as it does individually.

The album represents a whole life cycle for me. I started the album off the back of touring the last one (Blastoma) – before I got hitched and before I got knocked up (laughs). It was an attempt to present my Papua New Guinean heritage in a new light, so that I could feel more understood within my industry – something I never fully felt. Little did I know that the whole process, 4 years on, would propel me through a maze of re-discovery of who I really am and who I want to be. I care less about what people think a Papua New Guinean woman should be within an western context now then when I first started this project, because that’s everyone else’s problem. This record has become a celebratory affair of my love for PNG, people and myself. And at the end of the day, that’s what motivates people to make the decisions (throughout) their lives.

FAMILY FAVOURITES

Favourite cafe?

Like Minds in Avoca

Weekend away?

It hadn’t really been a thing for us. We used to have accidental getaways through my work. So before COVID hit, we’d all get to hang out interstate if I had shows. Now we bush walk in places like Maitland Bay or the Pink Caves up the coast.

Rainy day activity?

We raised a lot of seedlings during lockdown to plant in the garden. Dovey got really good at planting seeds inside, where it’s prime seedling growing heat. He’s seen a full year of crops already, which is pretty cool.

Most played song?

Until recently it was Harry Styles, ‘Adore You’. Dovey requested it ALL. THE. TIME. But now it’s moved to ‘Boogie Wonderland’ by Earth, Wind & Fire.

Sunday morning ritual?

Not so much Sundays. Fridays are really our thing, when we do Shabbat. It’s the moment we get to bookend the week together, unplug, drink some wine, eat. Dovey helps to bake the challah. He’s getting pretty good at plaiting it!

New music by Ngaiire is coming in May. Her current tour dates are: May 28th at Corner Hotel in Melbourne; June 5th at The Zo in Brisbane; and June 12th at Factory Theatre in Sydney. Tickets can be booked here.

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crasherfly · 3 years

Text

Weekly Update

It’s never enough.

Be it progress in a hobby, pages written, reps in a workout, miles run, dollars spent at local businesses, weight lost and gained back, video games completed or personal apologies issued to people I’ve been too brisk with online- the prevailing theme of 2020 has been IT’S NOT ENOUGH.

This is, on its face, ridiculous. We are in a pandemic. Whatever reservations you might have about the virus, the fact is economically, we will be in dire straits for some time. Surviving should be enough. Thriving should be considered a rare bonus.

Even so, this December, I’ve struggled a great deal with feeling like I’m bringing “enough” to the table in anything I do. If I play a video game, I lament that I’m not good enough at it. If I write, I mourn the words that go unwritten. In my friendships, I fixate on small arguments that I drew myself into, or a harsh word I shouldn’t have said, worried over their long-term impact. There’s a dozen anime shows I haven’t finished. I have a script that needs pages, an end of year anime blog that needs writing. I keep skipping meditation sessions and forgetting to brush my teeth. The NBA season starts tomorrow- will I watch it to have something to talk to other folks about, or will I settle into something easier to fill the time?

Time.

I have nothing but time. I’m off until January 5th. I’ve had more time off this entire year than I’ve had any year since college. I tell myself this means I should be doing something remarkable, and yet, with more and more time off, I find I’m just doing the same things I would normally do- just in bigger quantity.

My therapist tells me it’s cuz I grew up in a home where praise was hard won- if ever given. Growing up with this deficit, it is only natural that I’d rarely feel like anything is “enough”- and blame myself when I feel lacking.

We’re still working on a solution for it.

I do know there are Good Things that I have accomplished this year. I made new friends. I became more knowledgeable about my hobbies. I picked up some new healthy habits- running, kettlebells, core workouts. I lost a little weight. I disconnected from the violently angry media sources that had wormed their way into my brain since my Gawker days. I got out of a little debt. I developed a more positive relationship with alcohol. I got to therapy. I’m becoming more comfortable with speaking truth to how I feel, instead of burying my feelings.

I still fail in many things. I have a laundry list of moments I failed this week to review with my therapist. I’m still not in a place where I can be a functional adult while also working a full time job. I have lost friends this year because I am a hard person to endure. I have had to issue more apologies this year than perhaps in any year prior. And the people who know me best would still point out, rightly, that I sound like a very different person in online public spaces than I do privately.

As 2020 comes to a close, I’m thinking about the theme I want to bring into 2021- and my 32nd year on this globe. And I think the theme I want to embrace is vulnerability, which is, ironically, the theme I struggle the most with in my personal life. I am, by nature, a secretive person- reclusive, even. Without getting into a whole Thing here, I would just say “meet my parents” and you’d get why. This shit’s been wired into me.

But as I look back on many of my issues the past year- my breakowns and spirals, the arguments, the friends lost and stresses placed on my loved ones- so much could have been avoided if I was willing to just explain what was going on in my life.

I don’t mean the long stylized depression posts I was doing back in August. Those are helpful to a point, but they don’t actually drive toward a conclusion. I mean talking about how I feel in plain terms, and explaining the pressures that lead to those feelings.

‘Cuz I think we can all agree that after almost a full year of relating to each other almost exclusively through cynical tweets and mirthless retweets that we as humans are desperately deficient in nuance- an ingredient essential to understanding each other in actual human contexts. And the only way for nuance to be understood is to speak plainly and directly to one another.

I’m going to try and do more of that in 2021. Here’s hoping the results are good.

So lets talk some vidya games and anime, yeah?

Vidya Games

BlazBlue: Centralfiction and BlazBlue: Cross Tag Battle (SWITCH)

Arc Systems was having a switch sale. I’d enjoyed my time with Guilty Gear and noticed the BlazBlue series was relatively cheap, so I picked them up. I’d seen some of the fighters on Spriteclub before, so I was excited to expand my fighting game knowledge a bit further.

BlazBlue is a 2d fighting game that uses drawn sprite fighters. The effect is a beautiful anime more reminiscent of Street Fighter or King of Fighters, but with modern mechanics that make them feel more approachable. The rosters are huge and the individual fighters varied. There’s a full “episodes” mode, as well as plenty of options for training and tutorials.

Of the two games, Cross Tag seems like the easier to pick up. I’m a sucker for tag systems so that one is an easier sell for me. It’s also fun to see the crew from Persona 4 on the roster, not to mention RWBY.

Centralfiction seems to be more mechanics focused, but also includes a “stylish” mode that plays like Capcom Vs. SNK 2′s EO mode, where supers and command list moves are tied to single buttons instead of complex commands, allowing you to see everything a character can do without being stuck in hours of practice. I’m still trying to learn those damn quarter circle moves, but it’s a nice fallback option for moments where I’m not looking to exhaust my brain and thumbs.

Mario Maker 2 (SWITCH)

I’ve built three levels in the last week for Super Mario Maker 2. One I built during a work meeting, the other two I did as morning exercises over coffee. They’ve all been moderately played since and feature clear rates over 25%, so I’ll consider them a success.

I’ve uploaded over 40 courses to SMM2 since its release. That’s far more than I ever uploaded with the first game. I think Nintendo missed some big opportunities to make this game a centerpiece for the Switch. I also think the diehard fans got in their own way (designing courses on your tv is honestly not that hard- in fact, I prefer it to the portable option now). But overall, I do think that SMM2 is a success- at least for casual fans like me who value standard level design and ease of access.

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

My gaming has been somewhat hampered by the sudden implosion of my Samsung television, which houses my XBONE and Switch. About a week ago it shut down and began to flicker on and off. I unplugged it overnight and powered it on the next day to find a long black horizontal line across the panel and discoloration beneath the line. A call in to Samsung confirmed my fears- it was a wire defect and would require extensive service work. Because of the pandemic, it would take at least a few weeks before the part could make it.

The TV is still usable, so that’s a relief. I’m not dwelling on it much. Samsung was easy to deal with and they’ve promised this will come at no cost to me. There are many worse things happening in the world, so this is an easy thing to let roll off my shoulders now that I know what the solution is.

I also MIGHT have a Series X. Key word is MIGHT because I technically got my order in on the 18th, but Gamestop has yet to actually send a confirmation e-mail. However my order number appears valid and does pull up a processing page on their site, so I’m going to hang tight. I ended up pulling the trigger on a massive bundle that includes a very expensive headset and a second controller...as well as a copy of Assassin’s Creed. I can’t emphasize enough how NOT the primary audience I am for AC. However, I doubt I could pay anyone to take it off my hands at this point...so...whatever. At least there’s a chance I’ll have the new system.

My final bit of news on the technical front- I returned Cyberpunk 2077. I have zero regrets. Microsoft processed my refund in about 15 minutes without issue. I was on XBONE and yes, I tried the 1.4 update. Frankly, the update did seem to improve matters, but not so much as to be a game changer. And as I wrestled with the conundrum of powering through, or shelving the game in hopes of a future update that would magically fix everything, I finally opted to take the third option- and get off this damn train at the first possible stop. I will play Cyberpunk 2077 someday. Hopefully, when that day comes, this whole mess will be somewhat resolved.

ANIME

Jujutsu Kaisen

Season 1 has officially earned a “this show is straight fire” tweet from me. It’s just so good. The fights are thrilling. The emotional investment is real. The cast is outstanding. The design is imaginative, moody and the prettiest direction to behold this side of Fire Force.

Do yourself a favor and give this show a shot. It’s my top recommendation for the winter.

No Guns Life

I’ve almost wrapped the first half of season 1. This lovely noir continues to impress as its world unfolds. It is sure to please those itching for a cyberpunk or technoir story. The overall story still feels a bit unfocused, but I’m not minding too much. No Guns Life is one of those worlds that’s just a joy to be a part of, even when we’re unsure what its driving at.

END OF YEAR LISTS

Tis the season for LISTS. Oh man, so many lists.

I’ll be focusing my 2020 end of year stuff on anime and video games this year, because of course. I’ll also talk a little about media I’ve been enjoying. It’ll be a whole THING, either here or on wordpress.

But here’s a quick preview for those who are a bit curious about what titles I’ll be visiting for my Top Experiences list. Bear in mind that these are not confined to 2020 releases- this is purely about what I as a person dabbled in this year. Here’s what you can expect me to touch on in my end of year post :)

Games

Crusader Kings III Call of Duty: Warzone Yakuza 0 The Legend of Heroes: Trails of Cold Steel Fighting Games (genre) Consoles Oculus Quest 2 NEO-GEO Arcade Stick Pro Anime

Re:Zero - Starting Life in Another World Gleipnir Jujutsu Kaisen No Guns Life Kaguya-sama: Love is War DECA-DENCE Tower of God

Manga

Berserk Fruits Basket

Tabletop

Dungeons and Dragons 5E: The Lost Mines of Phandelver/Ghosts of Saltmarsh

Streaming

Spriteclub Gawr Gura/Hololive WWE Network

Lifestyle

Kotatsus Sake

Music

Nightcore (genre) Personal Projects Alice and the Pale Horse (script) Legos (various sets) Like I said, this is gonna be a big ol’ THING. But I can’t wait to share it with you all :D

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