#we both have various disabilities we still are in the process of understanding.... i hope i get adhd meds soon. :(

[t4t4t]

Idk new post bc the last lost traction, no donations in a week. We need 450 for the rest of February, 450 for a deposit, and 950 for March, 50 for the rest of the utilities. We were homeless since Aug 2020 excepting 4 different months whose places fell through for various reasons, have to get rid of the van we were living in because it's falling apart, Collie got FFS December 28th, she's recovering well and maybe could do something with a car if we had a better car, given her ability to drive. I still haven't found much work but I'm still looking. Anything helps.

paypal.me/NoraEstherRose

venmo: nora-esther-rose

venmo: Leah-Esther-Rose

#i wish i could get a loan ? i hate how little my parents have ever helped me. we rely too much on collies mom who can only do so much #we both have various disabilities we still are in the process of understanding.... i hope i get adhd meds soon. :( #we havent been able to afford better anti depressants for over a week now. i hate feeling dependent #i wish it were a prescription.... stupid world. stupid time

[vizthedatum]

The thing is… my usage of the phrase “narcissistic abuse” both helps people who have experienced this abuse and have understood it as something that happened to them AND it hurts people who see the term and apply it to themselves personally (people who identify with narcissism or NPD, whether diagnosed or not).

It puts me in a tough situation because I am just one person on the internet in a situation where there is no clear answer (if you search on the internet about the debate - people go on and on without resolution).

The only answer I know to be true (for myself - not like an universal truth or anything) is that this is how I have understood what has happened to me - I didn’t know for sure until last year. I spent over 32 years not identifying it as such - I didn’t realize, and I was in the dark. I knew it was emotionally abusive. I knew it was psychologically harmful. I knew that I was enabling and codependent because I was scared. I was scared all the time, in so many different ways (even during the lovebombing - I was anxiously scared of not being loved).

I am working on forgiving the people of my past. I sincerely have ALWAYS hoped that they work on healing.

But I am also working on grieving and healing and processing.

I am sorry to those I’ve hurt.

I am not a perfect person nor do I claim to be.

People will be upset no matter what I do - I have spent so much of my life trying to find the perfect dialogue option, the thing to do that will be “right” or “fair.”

I have already let down a lot of people by trying to do that.

I have been an asshole out of ignorance before.

I have been an asshole out of my suppression and/or emotional dysregulation before.

But this time?

This time, I am trying not to be an asshole to myself.

I’m letting myself try to understand who I am. I’m trying to understand how these behaviors (with the people of my past and within myself) have come to be. I have endured abuse from people of various disorders and disabilities and such (one such case is how I and some of my friends have been harmed by a close ex-friend who had a substance use disorder - I love her! I still do!!! She’s an amazing person and I am scared that one day, she will have lost in her struggle…. But she did harm us. It was abusive, and that’s the nuance that I cannot let go. And I don’t think I’m further stigmatizing people who suffer from these disorders by sharing and expressing with the limited English language of what has happened, in this way).

My own disabilities, ignorance, trauma, and disorders have hurt people too.

My trauma-processing, itself, has hopefully not been abusive but I know it has impacted my ex-partners, current partners, and friends this year.

I am still processing how I rudely blocked one of my exes during the summer because I thought she was going to hurt me and that her association to her abusive husband (who tried and succeeded in some abuse of me back in early March when I was having a prolonged meltdown) was hurting me (I mean, it was hurting me!!!! But she was also hurting). Thankfully we are friends now and still loving towards each other. But that was harmful! To me and to her and in so many ways.

I am also regretful of how I have demanded so much of my current partner’s time (at the expense of their own autonomy and health) from time to time - it’s something that I’m working on. I know they were glad to have been there for me but it was a result of my insecure attachment, trauma, and not being okay being alone dealing with my feelings.

These are human stories - including the disappointment people feel.

And I am truly not trying to generalize my experiences to demonizing any community.

I am sharing, the best I can, so that it helps me and it helps other people who can relate.

(If you can’t relate or are offended - I cannot be responsible for it. Especially when this phrase is something that I actively talk about in my own healthcare journey with my providers and it has been validated by people/providers in my life.)

#narcissistic abuse #healing #trauma #neurodivergence #queer #I’m sorry but this is my current stance #emotional abuse #emotional abuse subtype #harm #harm reduction #stigma #being disappointing #heartbreak

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

trigger warning: scary sexual situation and nondescript discussion of cptsd relating to history of child sexual trauma

seeking advice, validation, resources, but advice most

nickname/word to tag my ask for finding them more easily: toadstool 🍄


i’m a freshman at college and i’m really struggling with something that happened a couple nights ago. i have cptsd and part of that trauma i had was childhood sexual trauma in various differeny forms/ways. (i am a nonbinary trans person my roommate is a cis guy, which is the same as the people in my past who hurt me in the way i mentioned above.) my roommate masturbated while i was awake and in the same room not even five feet away from him, and he knew i was awake, he just thought i couldn’t/wouldn’t see him. i immediately went into survival mode and froze, tensed and ready to defend myself, waiting for him to be done so i could flee the room. he didnt notice i saw what he was doing, and in the end i was too scared to move and flee the room. i am even more terrified now than originally. this triggered me immensley and ive been avoiding him and my room since, literally only going in when i absolutely have to which is hard for showering, laundry, sleeping especially, etc. before this, i wasn’t sleeping much at all due to distrust and fear from cptsd. now im sleeping even less, which is very negatively affecting me. its been really hard, i keep getting flashbacks to my childhood. its definitely bringing up my history of trauma. but idk what to call this. creepy? sexual harassment? something worse? we are both young adults but adults all the same, so even though i feel violated and scared (he is bigger and stronger, i am also physically disabled), i dont really know what i can categorize this as, what resources i can use, what i can do in general to cope. i have essentially been in survival mode and fight/flight/freeze/fawn since. i really need support but idk where i can go, what to call this (i have autism so my brain thinks categorically and that is part of what i need to process anything.) i know this has activated past traumas but idk if it counts as trauma on its own, or even what to call it. i also cant tell what is an overreaction from my cptsd and what is a normal reaction to something like this.

Hi anon,

I'm sorry to hear about what happened. Especially given your past experiences, it makes sense why this was such a distressing moment for you, and made you fear your roommate. While this wouldn't count as sexual harassment, you're still allowed to feel traumatized and distressed by what happened.

Please know that you're not alone. I had a somewhat similar experience where I was cuddling with a guy I hooked up with and he got a boner and I got so scared that I couldn't move (also a CSA survivor). I decided to talk to him about it afterwards and he was surprisingly apologetic and understanding.

It may be helpful to have a direct and honest conversation with your roommate about your discomfort and explore potential solutions together, like finding certain times he can do this that work for both of you. However, I completely understand if the idea of having this kind of conversation is intimidating or may not feel practical considering your relationship with him. Ultimately, it may be best to look into getting a different roommate if that interests you.

Depending on what kinds of accommodations your school has, they may include counseling in tuition. If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could help you process this experience, heal from your previous trauma, explore potential solutions to this situation, and give you some helpful coping mechanisms that you can take with you.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #toadstool 🍄 #toadstool #🍄 #tw abuse #tw sa #tw child abuse #tw csa

[gb-patch]

Ask Answers: July 10th

I really let asks get away from me lately. I was super focused on working on that Patreon Moment. With that done I can finally think about doing other things, so here’s a new collection of answers!

Thank you for sending in questions everyone ^^.

For the new Patreon moment, will you be able to reference it in step 4? Or just like a tiny nod to it if you pick certain choices?

There won’t be. I’m sorry if you were hoping for that! The Patreon moment is meant to be entirely optional, it’s not something that gets you extra content in the main game.

Is the new CG artist the main one now? :0 I’ve noticed theres been a difference in the art style recently. Is the old CG artist still going to make art for the game? :0

The original artist still makes CGs for the game sometimes, but he mainly focuses on character sprites.

Are you going to put the NSFW our life moment on a website other than patreon? I would love to get it but I can't use patreon atm.

I don’t know. I'm afraid we can't release the Patreon Moment on a normal game storefront because we can't mix 18+ content with our family friendly game. If there's some other place similar to Patreon where it's not the normal type of full-scale public content releases we'd consider using that, but I’m not sure if there is another site that’s better than Patreon in that regard. I'm sorry.

Out of curiosity, in all of your games so far, which characters in each were the most fun to write? They obviously don't have to be your favorite characters!

Buffalo Seer in AFA, really everyone in XOD/XOBD is pretty equally entertaining to write, The Guide in LoV, and Cove in OL!

idk if you accept "personal" questions, but is there anything you've been watching/ listening to lately

Mostly, I’ve been watching/listening to Authortube videos as of late! It’s people who talk generally about the process of how books become traditionally published and/or share their own experience as they attempt to be published. I don’t have an interest in writing normal text based books, but it’s really interesting to hear about that world. I’m listening to a video about royalties right now as I answer these asks.

Will one of the desserts we get to pick be fudge? That'd be such a cute reference! 

Haha, yeah, it should. Unless I completely blank on it and forget when trying to include the various referential food options.

I don't know if this has been asked previously but what would be the approximate heights for the presets MC can choose from Step 2 ~ 4? Are there any measurement you had in mind? Sorry if I didn't make myself clear kk I've been struggling with my English lately 💀 

I don’t know, ahah. I didn’t have any numbers in mind for that. So it’s whatever you imagine it is!

I noticed a bug with the Patreon moment when it comes to what your character wears. When Jamie and Cove are kissing while my character only had dresses selected, I had both the option to remove the dress or to remove the shirt... Picking one of the options to interact with Cove, after he removed his shirt, it had Jamie remove their shirt followed by ther pants despite only having dresses picked. 

Thank you for reporting ^^

I keep refreshing steam to see when the new doc for xobd will be released. I noticed you haven't posted anything about it in quite some time. Would it be possible to ask about a timeline/potential date? (If it's even this year—) I know you and your team are probably working super hard, I'm just super curious! ~Thank you!~ 

There are more stories done, I just haven’t gotten around to publicly releasing them. Hopefully I will have a chance to spend the time on that sooner rather than later!

hello!! i’m not sure if it’s an update but i’ve just replayed our life and at the end i can’t propose to cove anymore? :(( i’ve actually tried playing twice but the options are not there anymore, did you guys remove the options? i’m sorry if you’ve answered this before!! thank you and have a good one :) 

I’m afraid things haven’t been changed or removed, so I think you might’ve accidentally picked the wrong things somewhere along the way and locked yourself out of being able to propose by mistake. Sometimes you meant to say you want to get married but instead you mis-click and have it so the MC isn’t thinking about marriage or something. All I can suggest is starting from the beginning of Step 3 and making sure to follow the steps listed in the FAQ. I’m sorry for that.

Did yall remove some of the options for when youre making out with Cove in the charity moment? I could've sworn you could grab his bonkadonk and its not there anymore 

This is the same situation as the above. We didn’t remove things and you’re not wrong that there are sometimes those options. But there are various choices you have to make to get those options and it sounds like you accidentally missed something. If your relationship isn’t long-term, you can’t do it for example.

HI IM SO EXCITED I CAN FINALLY GET THE STEP 3 DLC 

Thank you for getting it!

Is Shiloh super totally straight bc I’m very gay and a huge Shiloh fan, would my man make an exception?😩

Sadly, he is one of our super straight characters. I’m sorry.

Hi, I have a very dumb question. In Step 2 does Cove not wanna share his drink with us at the mall (or rather why he stops drinking it) because it's an indirect kiss? Or is it like ...weird to him to share? Because if I remember right he eats off our spoon in the birthday scene right? 

Yeah, he’s awkward about it because he likes the MC and it feels very personal to share a straw with his crush.

Hi! If you don't mind me asking, who is the artist for OL2? Their style is so pretty! 

Thank you for saying so! This is her Twitter- https://twitter.com/redridingheart

Do Beginnings & Always and Now & Forever exist in the same universe? 

Yep! XOXO Droplets also exists in the same universe. It’s one big GB Patch world, haha.

Do Pran's parents regret the way they raised him? Do they feel ashamed of it?

No. They’re the type of people best cut out because they’re not gonna change. Which is why Pran does go very limited contact when he’s an adult.

Hi! I just wrapped up my second playthrough of Our Life, and I absolutely adore it, but I had a question. I went to the gallery and found I was missing 2 CGS (specifically Step 1-3 and 2-3) and I had no clue where they would've shown up. Which moments are those found in? 

You get it by telling Cove about his dad offering you money to be his friend in Step 1 and Step 2. You can’t get both in one playthrough, since you can only tell Cove the truth once. I’m really glad you liked it!

Hi hi! Please, how tall is Baxter and Derek? Love the game so much and I can't wait to see more! 

I don’t know, aha. I think Baxter was around 5′10 and Derek was like 5′8/5′9, maybe. I really am not one who has specific heights for things in mind.

is adult cove a bottom, top, or switch? 

A switch, though would choose the top if he had to pick.

I was wondering if there is a way to transfer save data? Even if through the game files. I wanted to be able to transfer my save data from my desktop over to my laptop so that I could continue playing right where I left off from but I'm not entirely sure how to go about that. 

If you save the save folder/persistent data of the game from your desktop and put it into the game folder on your other device, that could work.

Hi! Is it possible for us to know the date when our life: now and forever comes out on steam? Sorry if you've mentioned it before but I haven't seen it and I'm looking foward to that happening and just wanted to know :) 

It’s gonna be a long time, I’m afraid. There’s no estimate right now.

I started playing Our Life with my sister a while ago, and I think you guys should know that we discovered your secret. >:)

L from death note and Cove are clearly the same person, and this whole game is just an origin story!!

I’ve never seen that show so I’m sorry to say I don’t understand the connection/reference you’re trying to make. I’m pretty out of the loop when it comes to media. I don’t watch movies or TV.

Will OL2 have options for disabled MCs?

I understand if it's too complicated, just curious

Unfortunately, it’s not really something we have a plan for. We couldn’t finish the game if we tried to include every disability and have it be meaningful. It’d just be too much content to create. But if we decide to only include a few, how would we choose which disabilities get to be represented and which are left out? I don’t know. It’ll probably have to be something we don’t include as an option again, sadly. I’m sorry.

playing our life > anything else 

Haha, I’m glad you’re enjoying it.

Honestly, I would like to thank Our Life for helping me come to terms with my sexuality. Before, I never would've actually thought that it was possible to like boys romantically and still be asexual. Almost all of the BL visual novels I've read had unskippable sexual content in them and it honestly just didn't click with what I feel. I'm glad I found Our Life. I love the game, the developers, and this fandom so much. Now, I can safely come out as homoromantic AND asexual (at least anonymously here anyway; my parents are still huge homophobes 😂). 

Aw, it’s great to hear you felt comfortable being yourself in the game! That’s wonderful. I’m really sorry about your parents, though.

Will the demo for OL2 be on android? Really not sure if I could wait any longer than I have to aha 

Yeah, it’ll be available for Android once we eventually release a demo!

Do all these reveals perhaps mean development is progressing ahead of schedule? Please let that be the case I'm already obsessed with Qiu 

No, sorry, aha. Art comes along much faster than script/programming-work for us. It’s gonna be a long time before the game is a finished thing you can actually play. But at least we can look at the beautiful images.

Hey! First of all I wanna say I reallllllyyyyy loooovvveeee Our Life and XOXO Droplets! I have over 300 hours of playtime on Our Life… Anyways, I was just wondering, are the Derek and Baxter DLCs going to come out at the same time? If not, which one do you plan to release first? :3 

They will come out separately and Derek will be first! Glad you like the game.

I keep replaying Our Life to get every possible iteration and I am loving it <3 I was wondering if Cove gets locked out of his confession because MC was talking to Lee, would it be possible to confess to him in step 4? 

Yeah, you can avoid the confession in Step 3 and then get it in Step 4.

Hi, my Cove wears bracelets through step 2 and 3 but I still don't get an option to give him a bracelet? I didn't even know that was possible until I seen someone else ask about it lol 

Hm, did you use the Cove creator? Maybe there’s a bug where using the creator to add bracelets doesn’t fulfill the requirement to give Cove a bracelet in Step 3.

Wait, I'm dense, when does Baxter appear in step 2? Is it from big park firework? I feel so bad since i really love Baxter and waiting to buy his dlc. 

It’s in the Soiree Moment. You have to be just friends with Cove, indifferent, or crushing but not ask Cove to the dance at all. Then while there you can find someone new to dance with. But if you bring Cove to the dance while crushing, the MC won’t wanna dance with anyone else so you can’t get the scene.

In step 2 when we go to the soiree I made my mc go alone and baxter chooses the mc to dance, i'm curious, why did he pick the mc? sorry if this has been asked before! 

Because the MC looked to be around his age, seemed to also be searching for a partner, and had nice legs. A perfect option for him.

I read some of the FAQs, and I saw that we could tell Baxter about the condo that he rented there was previously the mean old grandparents. how do we get the mc to tell him that? 

It happens in the DLC Moment “Late Shift”. If you don’t have a job you instead get a longer scene with Baxter.

I don’t know if you’ve addressed this or not, but are you planning on paying voice actors for our life: now and forever? 

Yeah, we pay our VAs in all our projects.

hey can i ask how you did the moments thing in ol? im trying to get into making visual novels and while im VERY sure its out of my comfort zone and all that atm i kinda wanna know just for the future, bc im p sure it would work well for something i wanna do :O but its also fine if you cant say for other reasons :> 

I’m afraid I’m not sure what you mean. Are you asking how we programmed the screen or something script related? Adding Moments like that is pretty straightforward, though. You just have buttons that open to different labels and then the scripts are essentially individual short stories/vignettes. Good luck with your VN!

Since Autumn becomes gender fluid later in the game, will there be a character who remains as he/him to romance in game? 

OL1 has the he/him LIs, OL2 is all about other genders.

I don't want to impose on your creative plans, but a parrot could possibly make a good pet in an OL-type game? They're pretty long-lived and likely to still be thriving by the end even if the MC got them back in step 1. 

I do appreciate the suggestion, but I’m afraid it’s not likely going to happen. I understand there are technically some animals that could theoretically live long enough to last the whole game that or we could have the MC only get a pet after some years have already passed. But the many things that would have to be considered/accommodated for makes it just something we probably can’t manage adding. I’m sorry.

As time passes will we be able to see Qiu and Tamarack's other stage arts as well?

They are both so cute i can't wait to be friends with them!

Yeah, we’ll show content from other Steps in the future. It’ll be a little while from now, though.

Can you date Cove and still have your family comfort you in the car?

You can’t get Cove’s Step 3 confession scene if you have the family comfort you in the car. But that’s not the only way to date him. You can get together with him earlier in the game or later on in Step 4.

Is Mc always going to be the one walking down the aisle or could Cove do it? Also could you choose to have one of your moms walk you? 

No. Cove wouldn’t want to walk down the aisle like that and the MC automatically respects that. And the MC also gets to have their preferences respected, so it’s up to you whether they want to do an aisle walk or not. You also can pick who, if anyone, walks with you.

Once step 4 is out, will you be able to go the whole game on crush/love without either of you confessing? 

Yes, as long as you tell the game you don’t want to progress the relationship. Even in Step 4 it won’t force you to officially get together.

Howdy, so in Step 4, there will be any Romance with Derek that is not part of any dlc? 

He’s only a friend unless you get his romance story.

Will the step 4 in OL2 be one big step or are you considering moments? 

Step 4 is just an epilogue in both games.

hi kind of a weird question but!! we know tht cliff doesn't start dating again but. wht abt flings? like does he ever do 1 night stands or anything? thank u!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Nope. Cliff has a very small interest in sex. If he’s not in a real relationship with a partner he’s crazy about it simply isn’t something he feels a need for, so one night stands wouldn’t even cross his mind.

sorry if you've already answered this, but i was wondering if there were plans for there to be bonus love interests in OL2 like how we have derek and baxter in OL1.

Maybe! There are side characters who could be given romance stories, but whether or not it will happen depends on funding and how long everything else takes to finish.

I don't know if i'm allowed to ask about ol2 here yet, if not u can ignore this or answer it later. My question is can you date one of them and be good friends with the other? I don't want to be strangers with the other bcs i love them both a lot :<

Yes you can!

what patreon level do i have to be to unlock the nsfw moment? im on the $5 one right now, will that give me access to the moment, or just access to the moment progress? 

That’ll give you access! Tier 2 and anything higher allows the player to download it.

#our life #ask #gb patch #gb patch games #all projects #Our Life Beginnings & Always #Our Life: Now & Forever

[bewaretheidesofmarchyall]

The Time Traveling Cabinet

So! Time travel AUs are fun. But what if, instead of sending back Tommy and Wilbur, we try something new for a change?

Concept: Time Travel AU, but the people getting sent back in time are the New L’Manberg Butcher Army.

Ranboo, Fundy, Quackity, and Tubbo are all scattered into the past on December 16th, and it only gets More from there.

Beginning

- Somehow, the New L’Manberg cabinet are all sent into the past at different points of the events of December 16th.

- Ranboo is sent back during the fight in front of Technoblade’s house.

- Fundy is sent back once Punz starts attacking the execution.

- Quackity is sent back a millisecond before Techno’s pickaxe hits his face.

- And Tubbo is sent back right after seeing the pillar and thinking that Tommy is dead.

Ranboo

- Ranboo gets sent back to about a week before Tommy joined.

- He is, understandably, confused.  But he mostly just vibes, leaving cryptic messages, building stuff, and exploring. It's nice to get a break from executions and warring and the messy life in the present day.

- He befriends Tommy again, and they burn down George's house again. This time, Dream barely cares. He doesn't need a reason to hurt Tommy yet.  

- Ranboo also gets to meet his best friend and future husband again!

- Tubbo's a lot less guarded, more willing to speak his mind, doesn't have firework scars on his face and arms. Tommy's still a gremlin, but he's a gremlin with dreams and schemes.  Ranboo doesn't know what to think about this.

- He doesn't get involved in the L'Manberg Revolution or any of the big conflicts, saying something about "preserving the timeline".

- He can’t change anything important anyway. According to the message anonymously whispered to him in chat every time he was stopped from changing something, multiverse creation is disabled until the arrival of all parties.

- Ranboo doesn't feel that bad about it. He isn't in the mood to create paradoxes, and there's nothing during the revolutionary time that he'd really change.

- Except.

- Didn’t Eret do some kind of betrayal thing?

- Ranboo can't recall what they did. Probably just switched sides, and people got mad about it, as people attached to sides often do.

- Then, on August 2nd, he hears explosions.  Against his better judgment, Ranboo sneaks over to L'Manberg to see if Tubbo and Tommy are okay.

- They aren’t.

- Yep, the country has been blown up, and to make things worse Eret leads the L'Manbergians into a death trap that takes more canon lives than anything else in SMP history.  Ranboo's legitimately horrified.

- He sticks around for the peace era and helps rebuild, maybe works at the embassy a little. Mr. Boo is not allowed to be a L'Manberg citizen due to being American, but he remains on good terms with the country.

- Basically, Ranboo learns the true history of this "just a drug van" country, and what it actually stands for.

- He's ready to wait it out until December, so he can get back to the present day with no complications.  One problem: He isn't alone anymore.

Fundy

- Fundy arrives to the Pet War confused as can be.

- He's pretty sure he's dreaming. That's the only explanation for him being in one of the worst times of his life again and Ranboo being there too for some reason.

- So, he tries to stop some of the pet murder, to varying success. He can't kill Sapnap during the duel or save Fungi, but he can save some of the chickens and Leonard the enderman and such.

- Leonard is his emotional support monster. He’s going to need one.

- Next, Fundy finds and yells at a bewildered Wilbur.

- Wilbur isn't allowed to hear the whole rant, but he does get 1) He screwed up as a father, 2) He's probably dead?? This does not help his paranoia and self-loathing.

- Fundy also gets to chat with his younger self, who according to one Ghostbur Soot was 14 at the time of the election? I don’t know, fox/phoenix/trickster demigod aging is weird.

- The conversation goes along the lines of:

“Do they ever start taking us seriously?”

“...Yes. Definitely. Sure.”

- Finally, Fundy tells a heap of lies about what he's like in the future to look cool.

- He’s generally is a fan of this situation because time traveling from the future means one thing: Attention. And it has been a while since he's gotten any of that.

- (Ranboo tries to stop him from messing with the past. He's only sometimes successful, and gets roped into Coconut 2020)

- In summary, Fundy clings to his moment in the spotlight, tries and fails to get closure with his dad, and gets to observe the unraveling ball of angst and issues that was his teenage self.

Quackity

- Quackity is sent back to the day of the election.

- He has to see his naive younger self screw up history and plan a spring wedding with Schlatt. It's awful.

- After trying and failing to assassinate the drunken dictator during his speech, and getting the memo about not being able to change the past in big ways, Q runs over to spawn to wait for Wilbur.

- Wilbur shows up after dying to Punz, and Quackity helps him get to Pogtopia for the first time. 

- There, Quackity chats with him and Tommy. He explains as much as he knows (which isn't much), and offers to join the rebellion.

- Wilbur doesn't trust him for five seconds. Honestly, Q's still wearing the Butcher Army uniform. He’s covered in blood!

- So, Quackity is sent out into the night in an offhand "don't call us, we'll call you" way. On the way out, he tries and fails to murder Technoblade. He's got a hit list, and he's going to complete it.

- Meanwhile, Past Quackity does not get along with Future Quackity at all.

- Past Quackity was a neutral good idealist. Future Quackity is a machiavellian, chaotic neutral guy with a murder list. They despise each other.

-Quackity tries to settle things with Schlatt. Not sure how well it works, but he does try.

- He also maps out complex strategies for how to change the future once all members have arrived. He's got Plans.

- Ranboo is very opposed to these Plans. Fundy is mostly onboard with these plans.

-Finally, Quackity desperately hopes that the last member of the party will arrive before the festival. Maybe, just maybe, he can do something to stop the execution.

-Unfortunately, the festival arrives, and Past Tubbo gives his speech, and Technoblade is given the order.

-The execution goes according to plan.

-Then, in the wreckage of the Red Festival, a figure appears.

Tubbo

- Tubbo has been having an awful day.

- First, he fails to execute Technoblade. Then, he finds out that he killed his best friend Tommy is gone. And now he’s standing smack-dab in the middle of the worst thing that ever happened to him?

- It’s all way too much. Tubbo runs away.

- Tubbo disappears for a solid week before finally accepting that he isn't just imagining all of this as a weird stage of grief.

- He then returns to Pogtopia in a suitably dramatic moment.

- Despite the fact that they're all in the past, Tubbo's probably going to end up as the character who gets the most focus. He's having the most Emotions about all of this.

- He's got to deal with his coping mechanisms (Ignore and Avoid) being taken away because he's back in the place he tries to forget.

- On top of that, he has to deal with the fact that he feels guilty about Tommy's death, but can't even process that because Tommy's technically still alive in the past (and in the future, but Tubbo doesn't know that).

- And he has to deal with seeing Wilbur again, and figuring out why Wilbur made him president.

-He’s going to go through a lot.

Character Motives

- Ranboo: Preserving the timeline so they can get home vs. Wanting to keep his friends safe and caring about L'Manberg now.

- Fundy: Fixing things for his past self, and getting closure with his dad.

- Quackity: Completing his hit list and completely changing the timeline. And punching Schlatt in the face.

- Tubbo: Dealing with the various emotional turmoils listed above, getting Tommy and his past self to run away from it all.

- Past Tommy: Finding out what the actual fuck is going on, and protecting the Tubbos (Tubbi?). Also, he wants to know what happened to upset Future Tubbo so much. (His regular Pogtopia motives are also there).

- Past Fundy: Measuring up to how great his future self said their life was.

- Past Quackity: Not becoming his future self at any cost.

- Past Tubbo: Regular Pogtopia motivations, but now he has both Tommy and Ranboo to worry about.

- Past Wilbur: Wilbur already believed that he had a scripted role, and was always going to end up the villain. Well, now he has confirmation of just that. Awesome!

He actually goes through with it. He actually blows it up. He doesn't know if he's proud, disgusted, terrified, or what, but he knows that it's not up to him to go against fate.

And if fate demands a grand finale and a little trinitrotoluene on the side? He can do that.

#dream smp #dsmp #butcher army #dsmp tubbo #c!tubbo #dsmp fundy #c!fundy #dsmp ranboo #c!ranboo #dsmp quackity #c!quackity #time travel au #beware the drafts of march #writing

[blitzturtles]

Title: Answers

Rating: Teen and Up

Fandom: The Old Guard

Pairing(s): Immortal Husbands / JoeNicky

Summary: He had once hoped that death may fix the problem. That the right blow to the head might undo whatever’s gone wrong, but, as they’ve learned with all else, that which existed before immortality, remains.

Notes: This is for a k!nk meme fill, which just asked for Joe reading to dyslexic Nicky, while Nicky has his head on Joe's chest. Some Nile & Nicky bonding slipped in. (Link in the comments!)

Btw, I’m doing a writing / fic giveaway! Check out this post to see how to enter. Goes until 8.25.21!

Oh, also! Nile mentions dysgraphia, but dysgraphia has more to do with writing than reading. I left the details of her research afterwards a little ambiguous, so I just want to clarify that here to avoid misinformation.

-

There’s always been a hope in Nicky that reading would somehow become a viable option. It’s not that he’s entirely illiterate, but it’s a damn near thing with the length of time it takes him to work through a single sentence and the accompanying headache that often follows the disproportionate effort.

He knows that reading isn’t supposed to be difficult. He’s watched people skim pages of words in the time it takes him to get through a paragraph, and he knows that Joe inhales words the way he does air. If there’s a love that comes close to how Joe feels for Nicky, then it’s for his love of the written word, yet Nicky languishes with the evolution of language. His mother tongue no longer the preferred word of his region means that he can barely find texts that once were at least partially compatible with whatever’s gone wrong in his brain.

He had once hoped that death may fix the problem. That the right blow to the head might undo whatever’s gone wrong, but, as they’ve learned with all else, that which existed before immortality, remains.

There had been a period of shame, too. When he had been too afraid to express to Yusuf that his struggles with books had only worsened. That, despite his best efforts, he’s only seemed to lose more of the ability to grasp the lines and shapes on the pages until they’ve become all but meaningless. He can still remember how his love reacted. How quickly he had adjusted to the news, and how Yusuf was more than delighted to read to Nicky. To fill in that void that Nicky hadn’t realized was growing. And that’s how things remained.

Technology began to evolve at an absurd rate, and, with it, language. One did not advance without the other, which meant that Nicky had no chance of catching up the way he had once again hoped.

Yusuf had again insisted that he did not mind. That he enjoyed their moments together, with Nicky resting against his chest, equal parts listening to the words coming from Joe’s lips and the beat of Joe’s heart. Books are no longer the bane of his existence; he’s long given up on ever being able to read with any kind of efficiency, but these moments will never cease to be something that he cherishes.

It’s Nile that puts a name to his centuries long struggles. She puts the pieces together one day upon noticing Nicky squinting at a splay of papers on the dining room table.

“You doing okay?” She asks with a concerned frown.

Nicky smiles at her despite the growing pressure between his eyes. It wraps around his temples and threatens to put him out of commission for the day, but he’s nothing if not determined. “I am,” he motions toward the pages. “A bit frustrated with these is all.”

“Oh,” Nile leans over his shoulder with her hands braced on the back of Nicky’s chair. She glances over the pages with understanding developing in her features. It pangs jealousy in his heart, despite his reconciliation with reality. There are times he can’t help his own frustration. When he feels inept and lacking, both in intelligence and in something that has become fundamental.

“What part are you struggling with?” Nile’s tone is uncertain. She doesn’t understand.

Nicky gives a sigh as he thinks of how best to describe his predicament. “The words dance,” he says before he can overthink it too much. “My eyes cannot keep up.”

“Oh,” Nile’s face screws up into something complicated, but then she smiles, warm and soft. “You mean like- moving, right? Do the letters look backwards or upside down?”

Nicky frowns, but he looks back at the pages and squints at them again. “They look wrong,” he says in a non-answer. He supposes that she may be right, but, truthfully, the letters mean very little to him. None ever seem to keep their shape, and the ones that do often appear in places that he can only assume aren’t quite right. And the lines never hold their place. They move oddly. And constantly.

“Has anyone ever told you that you might be dyslexic? Or uh- maybe dysgraphic?” Nile asks with an uncertainty lingering. She shifts from one foot to the next, and it’s then that he realizes that she thinks that she’ll offend him. Ordinarily, he would reassure her, but he’s caught on the words, though he couldn’t repeat them for the life of him. They’re distant memories of syllables in his head now. A mess of sounds, but he tries to grasp onto them.

“Nicky?”

“Sorry,” Nicky scrubs a hand over his face and tries to clear his mind, “What were those words?”

“Dyslexic? And dysgraphic? They’re disorders. In the brain. With dyslexia, words and letters can get mixed up, or you can drop them all together, and dysgraphia is, I think,” she frowns as she seems to lose herself in thought, “It might have something more to do with writing, but I think that’s also the problem you’re having with the lines staying even. I need to look it again up to be sure.”

“Oh,” Nicky blinks at her, then at the pages. He’s not sure what to do with this new information. It feels like everything and nothing all at once. Answers for questions that he’s had for hundreds of years, yet- does it matter? Should it matter?

“Here,” Nile pulls her phone from her pocket and pulls up a chair beside him. “We’ll figure out the difference. And I bet they have a screening quiz online.”

The next several hours pass in a frenzy of information. Thankfully, Nile is more than happy to be the go-between for Nicky and the internet. She reads off the important parts of articles and makes sure to word them in ways that he can follow, given the sudden influx in new information. It’s overwhelming and exhilarating all at once, and he practically stumbles into his and Joe’s bedroom. His mind is elsewhere to the point that he doesn’t immediately notice his husband’s presence.

“Nicolò?”

The worried inflexion makes Nicky all too aware of the fact that Yusuf has already attempted to get his attention at least once before.

“Sorry, tesero,” Nicky says and looks to find Joe, relaxed and in bed with a book in hand. He takes a moment to change from his jeans to a pair of comfortable pajama bottoms before sliding into bed. Without thinking, he curls close to his husband, with his head resting on Joe’s chest and an arm slung over his waist. “I learned something today.”

“From Nile?”

Nicky hums with an amused smile on his face. Nile is often the one schooling them in various bits and pieces of information. It’s made them more aware of how much they’ve missed out on, despite their efforts. “Indeed,” he confirms after a beat of silence, “She thinks I might have something called ‘dyslexia’.”

“Ah,” Joe takes in the information, rolls it around in his mind, and gives a nod. “That- I suppose I’ll have to read into that a bit more.” His tone is a touch tight at the end, and Nicky glances up to see Joe’s lips pressed into a thin line.

“It really only became known in the- 1940’s, I believe,” though it had been discovered earlier. It had taken a study on children for the public to be made more aware of the disability (and how odd to think of himself as having such a thing. That all this time, he had not been too lazy or too slow. There had been a reason from the very beginning.)

“Ah, well, that would explain a lot,” Yusuf says, relaxing once more underneath Nicky. “We were a bit busy.”

Nicky snorts. “‘A bit’,” he echoes. That’s an understatement if ever he’s heard one.

There’s a brief lull in the conversation, where Nicky gets caught up in his own thoughts-- processing the immense amount of information he’s learned--, and Joe flips through the pages of his book until he comes to a stop and, with some hesitation, speaks up again,

“Would you like it if I read to you now?”

“Always, habibi.”

#immortal husbands #joenicky #nickyjoe #joe x nicky #tog #the old guard #nicky x joe #blitzwrites #blitz

[25centsoda]

An Unintended Side Effect, Part 2/?

This time when Luke woke up his mind was clear and the Force came readily when he called. He breathed deeply, savoring the clear connection to the energy of the universe for a moment before drawing shields tight around himself, ensuring Vader couldn’t reach him. He sat up, scrubbed his eyes with the heel of his hands, and sighed, looking out over the room.

He really was stuck on the Executor with his father, wasn’t he?

Well. Nothing for it. He would have to find a way to escape, as soon as possible. He had friends and a Rebellion to get back to, after all, and he would not turn to the dark side.

Luke stood and stretched, again noting the lush carpet and wondering just how out of it he’d been the previous day to not have noticed where he was immediately. Now able to actually process things, he took in the room properly. Deep red carpet, grey durasteel walls, no closet that he could see but three doors broke up the monotony of the walls, along with...was that…

Luke crossed the room in wonder, staring open-mouthed at the view of the stars outside his viewport. A viewport, in starship quarters!

After admiring the view for an indeterminate amount of time, Luke mentally shook himself and went to explore the rest of the room. On a small nightstand by the bed he hadn’t noticed before was a chrono, brightly declaring the time and date on its face. Luke grimaced. Two days since he’d seen his friends, what they must be thinking about his disappearance… Had they seen Vader take him? Or did they think something else happened to him?

One of the doors led to ‘fresher, fully stocked with anything he could need, plus water settings in the shower. He looked critically at the long handle on the shower door; could he rip that off and use it as a weapon? Something to come back to later. Maybe the mirror shards would make good improvised weapons as well, if it came to that.

The second door led to the closet he’d been looking for yesterday, but of course instead of Rebel fatigues it was filled with black outfits, both with and without the Imperial cog stitched to a sleeve or breast pocket. From here Luke took a pair of boots - new ones were hard to come by, in the Rebellion, best to take them whenever you can - and a belt with weapons holsters.

The third led into a hallway, which ended in another door. Luke looked back to the door he came from; looked like it could be locked from the outside. Lovely. He tucked that piece of information away, resolving to escape the ship before it became something he had to work around.

The door at the end of the hallway opened as he approached, into a larger room containing a couch and desk, lots of open floor space, and another door with a large keypad next to it, the small light on top glowing firmly red. He couldn’t quite get that open on his own, it was too complex a mechanism to tease open with the Force without knowing anything about how it was supposed to work - likely Vader had deeply considered the place he was going to stash his son - but he could sense the energy of two Stormtroopers just outside it.

Banging on the door, using the Force to make each blow as loud as possible, Luke shouted, “Hey! Please, I need help!”

“Quiet in there,” came the reply.

“Please!”

Luke could only hope Vader had given them instructions to keep him not just alive but well, otherwise this wouldn’t work and he’d have to try something else.

His suspicions were confirmed moments later when the door slid open to show two Stormtroopers as expected. He smiled.

Perfect.

---------

Vader kneeled before a hologram of the Emperor in his private chambers.

“And the boy is cooperative?” the Emperor asked.

“Yes, master. At the very least, he has not yet opposed me.”

“Hmm. Ensure that he does not. Remember that you have already failed to bring him to heel once; I will not be so forgiving of another failure. Next time, the boy will come straight to me, and I will put him to rights.”

Vader strengthened his shields and held himself still, even as Palpatine’s words brought a most unwelcome image to his mind. His anger blazed, and he fed the flames behind his shields, vowing to never let Luke near Palpatine if he could help it. In this the son would not follow the father; he wouldn’t allow it.

“I understand, my master.”

“Good. I’ve allowed you to keep the boy, but you must not neglect your duty to wipe out the rest of that pathetic rebellion.”

“They shall not be a plague on our galaxy for much longer, master.”

“See that they aren’t, Lord Vader. Dismissed.”

The hologram winked out and Vader stood, wincing at the strain holding such a position for long periods of time caused his prosthetics. He ached for the day he could give the empire he’d built to his son, but they were in no position to attack Palpatine yet. That day would have to wait until he could find a way to train his son without the Emperor finding out, for he had no doubt that as soon as they began Palpatine would find an excuse to spirit Luke away from him, preventing them from joining together to defeat him.

Stalking out of his rooms into the hallways of the Executor proper, Vader found Piett and said, “Admiral, report.”

Admiral Piett snapped a salute and fell into step with his commander. “My lord, we will be arriving at Tarra soon to refuel. All aspects of the ship are running smoothly, and after refueling we should be en-route to Coruscant within the cycle.”

“And what of my...guest?”

“The last report I saw some fifteen minutes ago said all was quiet on that front, my lord. He’s not been an issue.”

As soon as Piett finished speaking, the hum of stun shots echoed down the corridor along with aborted screams. Vader threw his awareness out in the Force, seeking his son’s bright energy, but it was like looking at the surface of a lake in the sunlight; the image shimmered and flickered away from him, impossible to make out. He cursed and began moving quickly - not running, Sith Lords did not run - towards the quarters his son was housed in. The boy could hardly have been awake much longer than an hour, how could he already be causing trouble?

By the time Vader arrived at the door outside his son’s quarters, the boy was already gone, leaving both troopers who had been posted outside collapsed on the floor in his wake, presumably the recipients of the stun shots he’d heard. He growled low, the vocoder in his suit picking it up as crackling static, and tried to reach for his son again. This time, he was able to pick up a sense of the boy in the vague direction of the hangars. Of course he would immediately try to reach the ships.

Suddenly Vader remembered the ship was about to dock at a planet, and his heart seized in fear. If Luke was still loose when that happened, he would actually stand a chance of getting off the ship.

“Lock down all hangars, no one will leave this ship until I give the order,” Vader said into his comlink, moving to follow the faint light of his son’s Force signature.

There is no escape, my son, he sent along their fledgling bond. He felt Luke flinch in response, and smiled in satisfaction under his mask. The boy’s shields had slipped just enough in that flinch to give him a better location.

“Send a detachment of troops to Hangar Bay Three, and have them set their weapons to stun. A prisoner is loose; he cannot be allowed to escape.”

Vader strolled into the aforementioned hangar bay, casting his awareness out, scanning the room for his wayward son. The boy’s shields deflected his senses, but it was that refraction of light that gave him away, a distortion in the Force in a corner of the hangar.

“It is no use hiding, young one,” he boomed. “Come out before I am forced to stun you.”

The spot of refracted light in the weave of the Force shifted, drawing tighter about itself, but it was no use. Vader had already located it.

He motioned to a small group of troopers, directing them to surround the crate that Luke was hidden behind, and they took up positions in a loose semi-circle, guns aimed at the crate.

After a moment, Luke emerged, scowling, his hands behind his head. Without a word, two troopers surged forward and none too gently dragged his hands down behind his back, clasping his wrists in binders. He purposefully avoided his father’s gaze as he was marched back to his quarters. Vader watched him go.

----

Luke broke out of his quarters twice more, managing to disable the lock on his door, and after the sickening way the boy’s head hit the durasteel floor collapsing from a stun shot the second time, Vader decided he couldn’t take any more risks.

His son was a lot quieter and easy to contain with a drug tailor-designed for Jedi coursing through his veins, living in Vader’s quarters.

-------

Luke was falling asleep again, leaning against his father on the couch as various Imperial servants flitted about the room taking his measurements, proposing outfit and fabric ideas. He tuned them out. Vader was just going to choose what he felt was best anyway, and Palpatine got final say. Luke had picked out several of the main fabrics. That was enough.

Without realizing it, he had fallen completely asleep. When he woke, it was to Vader gently pulling him into a sitting position and beginning to apply a thick white powder to his face. Luke blearily looked down at the table filled with cosmetics, then tried to lean his head on one hand, but he was prevented from doing so by Vader pushing him back up.

“You’ll smear the Nubian makeup, Luke,” he chided.

Luke made a face at him. “I wouldn’t be so tired if you didn’t keep drugging me, father. Either let me sleep or let me think clearly.”

“It’s this or giving you to Palpatine for training, my son, and neither of us want that for you. Especially in light of your many failed escape attempts.”

Luke made another face, then an effort to sit up straight and stay awake. At least being paraded around as the Imperial Prince sounded like a cushy job…

“Why am I being styled after the Naboo, anyway?” he asked, hoping a conversation would help him stay awake. Vader paused, frozen, and Luke could just pick up the edge of a maelstrom of emotion from his father before the Force slipped from his grasp again and he sighed quietly.

“It was your...mother’s home planet.” Vader said carefully. “As well as Palpatine’s. He believes using the style will serve to endear him to the galaxy, and use you to evoke his own image.”

Luke hummed, closing his eyes for a minute. Vader prodded him gently with a tendril of the Force and as he opened his eyes again Luke thought longingly of being able to do more than passively sense it, himself. He would throw all this finery about the room and steal a ship, return to Han and Leia and Chewie, R2 and 3PO.

Deciding he definitely needed something to focus on to keep himself awake, Luke tried to reach out to the Force himself, clumsily brushing against his father’s signature. He felt the edge of his father’s amusement and Vader reaching back to him in response, like holding their hands up to opposite sides of glass.

“My Lord, you are needed in a meeting about introducing the Imperial Prince,” Piett said, shattering Luke’s meager focus. He sighed and gave up, leaning his head on a hand while Vader too distracted to tell him not to.

“Why?” Vader demanded, standing. “He is to be announced in a few hours, what more is there to discuss?”

“There are some last minute security concerns they want to go over, my Lord.”

Vader scoffed, then looked down at his son for a long moment, thinking. Looking back at Piett, he said, “I leave you in charge of the boy, Admiral. Stay here with him and ensure he does not attempt another escape.” Piett seemed like he very much doubted that would be a concern, but nodded anyway. To Luke, Vader said “I will return as soon as I can and help you finish getting ready, my son.”

“Whatever,” Luke said.

With a sigh, Vader swept out of the room.

#my writing star wars fanfic fanfiction luke skywalker darth vader admiral piett palpatine #an unintended side effect #no beta we die like men

[earthstellar]

It’s Deaf Awareness Week, so I’m posting my hearing disabled Drift fan fiction in full below the cut! 

I am still fundraising for my hearing aids, so if you like the story and would like to donate, you can do so at my Ko-Fi or via PayPal. 

You can also see my post on Chirolinguistics and Sign Language in Transformers media here! 

Auditory Error by Capricorn_Stellium - Word Count: 2733

Summary: 

The Lost Light visits a marketplace on a newly identified planet in the hopes of restocking on a few crucial supplies.

Unfortunately, things go less than well, and Drift is hit with some sort of energy disruptor-- Which results in processor damage.

Once everyone is back on board and clear of the fight, Ratchet and First Aid get to work attempting to assess Drift post-injury in a MedBay that is suddenly far, far too noisy.

"Stay where you are. Don't move! First Aid, get over here, get on his left side."

It was Ratchet's voice, or at least, he thought it was.

Drift was in the MedBay, so evidently they'd made it back to the Lost Light.

He quickly tried to assess himself: No missing limbs, so that's nice. Doesn't seem to be much frame damage, no evidence of blaster shots or blade damage anywhere across his armour that he could see.

Not that he could see much, as Ratchet was aggressively trying to get him to lay his helm back down flat against the medical berth.

"He's awake. Aid, titrate the sedative, I don't want him dizzy but keep it level so he's not running around." Ratchet moved to the side of the berth from where he had been standing so far, somewhere behind his helm, but it was odd. His voice seemed to come from all directions at once, and it was disorienting.

"Drift, can you focus on me? You were hit in the helm by one of the marketplace traders; Turns out Rodimus was wrong about the locals being friendly, because of course he was. Nobody else is hurt, so don't even try getting up! I don't know what they hit you with, some kind of focused disruptor of some kind. We're running additional scans to try to figure it out, but stay down for now. You aren't restrained, no painkillers. Just a mild physical sedative in the event you woke up swinging. I'm too old to keep having to fight my patients, you know."

It was bizarre; He felt totally fine. He could hear that Ratchet was speaking, but the words were... Missing, here and there. All of the sounds in the room were equally as loud, completely drowning each other out. It was overwhelming and disorienting.

He'd been in the MedBay enough times both as a patient and just waiting for Ratchet to get off shift that he was well aware it shouldn't sound like this. It was as if every piece of machinery was at maximum volume and surely Ratchet was whispering, but why would he be whispering? Was there something else going on? Was Ratchet's vocaliser damaged somehow? Why would Ratchet lie about the situation, unless it was serious?

Ratchet noticed Drift's increasingly heavy frown; He looked fairly alert, but confused. Running another quick diagnostic scan, nothing new was coming up. Drift had been concussed, he'd already known about that. The more extensive diagnostic panel wouldn't be complete for another minute or two.

"Aid, I told you to moderate--" First Aid interrupted by holding up what was the needle end of a clearly disconnected fuel line drip.

"He's not being sedated actively at all anymore, Ratchet. It should work it's way out of his systems soon, low level dose should remain for the next three to five hours but not significantly enough to produce a frame relaxing effect. Intensive scan is just about ready, give it a moment. We'll figure it out."

Ratchet huffed. He was proud of his star apprentice, but it was irritating to get blatant reassurance from a junior doctor.

Not that First Aid was wrong to comment; It was hard to administer emergency care to your own conjunx. In other circumstances, it would never be allowed at all, but the Lost Light was a perpetual mess. A good mess, most of the time. But still not quite as organised as some might prefer-- A fact that Ultra Magnus never let anyone forget.

Speaking of Magnus, the paperwork for this would be a nightmare, but Ratchet had other concerns on his mind.

Drift raised a servo to his faceplate, careful not to lift his helm lest Ratchet come after him again. "I... feel okay, I think. But I never had a concussion that made everything sound so... I don't know. Things sound wrong all of a sudden."

Ratchet and First Aid looked at each other from across their respective sides of the medical berth. Aid pulled out a data pad and began taking notes once Ratchet nodded in the affirmative to proceed.

"What do you mean? Can you describe what you're feeling?"

Drift ex-vented. "Physically, totally fine. Not even a headache, really. Everything else seems okay, but it's like... Everything is at the same volume, and is coming from everywhere all the time. I can hardly make out what you and Aid are saying, every other word is gone, it's easier for me to focus on the vague sort of rhythm of the noises you're making rather than what you're actually talking about. Like the words are messed up and lost in the sounds of everything else. But, I don't know. It's like everything is a flood of noise, except for speech, I guess? Keep talking to me, I'll figure it out."

It was Ratchet's turn to frown. "Hmm." He backed up a little from the side of the berth. "Drift, can you shutter your optics for a second? I won't touch you, but I want you to listen as best you can, okay?" Drift nodded, wondering what Ratchet was up to.

Closing his optics felt awful; It made the noises seem even louder and more all-encompassing, somehow. Hopefully this wouldn't take long. He was glad Ratchet had kept him on the berth; It was a dizzying sensation. Like the noise was giving him vertigo.

"I'm going to snap my digits in different areas and at different distances from your helm. I want you to tell me where you hear the sound in relation to yourself, so for example, upper left from your point of view, or lower right, or straight ahead. Okay?"

Drift nodded, hoping he'd heard the instructions correctly. It was suddenly much harder to fill the gaps in Ratchet's speech when he couldn't watch his faceplate while he was speaking.

The exam went on for a while until finally Ratchet snapped his digits for the last time to Drift's righthand side, but Drift stated the sound was coming from straight ahead and slightly above his helm.

"Maybe a little to the right?" He could hear Ratchet ex-vent, but from where, he couldn't tell. "Nope. Open your optics, Drift. Sorry to say you didn't exactly pass that test." He turned to face First Aid, who had apparently been following along and taking quite a few notes.

Turns out both of them were stood exactly where they were when the exam had started. Weird. To Drift, it had seemed like their intermittent words were floating around him while his optics had been shuttered. Had they moved at all, the entire time?

The noise of all the medical machinery was getting awful. How were Ratchet and Aid okay with it?

Then he realised they probably couldn't hear it. Somehow...

Ratchet's voice knocked him out of the state of distress he was rapidly falling into the more he tried to think about all the noise. "Aid, note a general lack of directional hearing. No loss of hearing overall, his audials are registering sound as usual, but..."

First Aid looked up from the data pad. "But the way his processor is interpreting the sounds he's hearing is wrong."

"Correct. It's processor damage. Damn."

Drift had missed what was probably a very important word, there. "Sorry, what kind of damage?"

Ratchet, to his credit, only looked upset for a very brief moment. But Drift could tell; He could always tell with his Ratty. And that look was never good.

"Sorry, Drift. We shouldn't talk about you like you aren't here, anyway; It's a bad habit medics can develop."

That got a small smile out of Drift. "Since when are you worried about bad medic habits? You routinely throw wrenches at your patients."

"Hey, that's usually only Whirl. And Rodimus. And..." Ratchet took one of Drift's servos into his own. "Fine, you have a point, but this is serious. We need to run more tests. And by more, I mean you're going to be in here for a while."

Drift nodded, not wanting to speak himself lest it break his intense concentration on Ratchet's intake. It definitely seemed like trying to follow Ratchet's faceplate movements made it easier to guess what words he was missing.

The words he could no longer hear. For some reason.

It was only years of experience performing various mindfulness meditations that prevented Drift's anxiety from escalating.

First Aid walked towards the foot of the medical berth to be more fully in Drift's line of sight before addressing him.

And he proceeded to say something that Drift totally missed, because First Aid's battle mask made it impossible to read his faceplates in the way that he could with Ratchet.

"Uh... I don't want to interrupt? But two things: Aid, can you retract your mask?" Both First Aid and Ratchet stiffened immediately.

"I'm so sorry--" "Drift, if you can't understand us, just say so and we can--"

And it was too much noise.

Instinctively, his servos flew up to cover his audials, which hadn't helped as much as he had hoped it might.

"Stop! Stop, I'm sorry, it's okay. Don't worry about it. But the second thing, is that it's way, way too much in here. The noise, I mean. It's a lot."

Ratchet gently grabbed Drift's wrists, getting closer in the process.

"The scan we were running has finished by now. Aid, turn off everything we're not currently using, let's see if it makes a difference in the ambient noise level. Go ahead and start interpreting the results, construct a summary, you know what to do."

As First Aid got started as directed, looking somewhat upset that he hadn't thought to retract his battle mask earlier, Ratchet moved in even closer to speak directly into Drift's audial.

On the other side of Drift's helm, he cupped a servo over the opposite audial to help block out the surrounding noise and force Drift's processor to focus on the most immediate input: His voice. "I'm sorry. I'll try to make this as easy on you as I possibly can, okay? We're not hearing things the way you are, so we'll have to figure this out as we go. But that's fine; You're okay... You will be okay."

Vision obscured by Ratchet's shoulder armour while intensely trying to focus on his voice, suddenly, it hit Drift.

He could hear, but he couldn't hear. Not really.

A thousand scenarios flooded him at once, each one more terrifying than the last.

Being in a battle, unable to tell where bullets were coming from. Hearing a ship-wide alarm go off, and being incapacitated by the noise, unable to react otherwise. Unable to help. Unable to protect Ratchet. Never being able to parse anyone's speech, always missing words, never having all the information.

Going to a racetrack and being disoriented by the hum of all the wheels and engines at high speed, causing an accident. Anywhere noisy, anyone talking. Anywhere sound exists, it would be too much or not enough and never in-between.

He couldn't fight effectively. He wouldn't able to communicate effectively, not if he constantly misheard every single thing. The stress just from the MedBay noise was horrendous; What about in the middle of a conflict, or the command deck, or even someplace like Swerve's? Totally unbearable.

He would go right back to being isolated. He would be a problem for others. A burden, an annoyance.

What if this wasn't fixable?

He gasped like he had been choking, causing Ratchet to startle and pull back. "Ratchet! Ratchet, Ratty, what if-- What if you can't fix me?"

And he knew that look.

He felt Ratchet's arm move slightly somewhere behind him, and First Aid swiftly and silently left; He would finish looking over the results in his own office space. Ratchet had probably flashed some kind of medic secret code hand signal or something.

Or maybe it was just awkward to watch your mentor's partner start crying in your shared workplace. It was probably that, and the thought would have made Drift laugh if he didn't suddenly have a terrible headache.

Ratchet made the most of his wide set medical frame type, and completely wrapped Drift in a hug.

It helped. Everything seemed like too much right now, but this, he could never possibly get enough of.

Fluid had pooled behind his optics; Some started to trickle down in small streams. Ratchet wiped some of it away gently.

"Drift, I'm not going to lie. I already know what those scan results are going to say; There's nothing wrong with you, aside from whatever is going wrong with your processor. And I'm going to be honest, because you know I don't lie when it comes to my diagnostics... If I'm right about the nature of your processor damage, it's most likely not something that can be repaired."

Even though on some level he figured that might be the case, it felt like Ratchet had jammed the Great Sword through his spark.

Before he had the chance to completely break down, Ratchet carefully grabbed the sides of Drift's helm, gently rubbing soft swirls in his faceplate and ensuring Drift didn't just fold in on himself and completely collapse.

He wanted Drift to be able to understand; Keeping his helm up like this would help Drift read his faceplate, too.

"I know. It's not good news. But we can work with it. You can work with it. We'll figure it out. If we don't have the supplies we need to make whatever assistive device we might have to come up with, we'll find a way to get them, or make them. You have me, Perceptor, Brainstorm, a whole ship full of people who can and will help you. Okay?"

Drift wanted to nod, he really did, but the tears welling up in his optics had blurred his vision, and the thought of being unable to see clearly while being unable to hear clearly was so completely distressing to him that he simply threw his arms around Ratchet's neck strut and let himself cry it out.

Not for long, and not very hard; He found that the sound of his own crying was odd and grating to his audials, both muted and sharper than it should have been.

While he could stifle his tears, he couldn't stop his upset and frustration from seeping out through his EM field.

Ratchet's armour plating shivered a bit, before he met Drift's EM field with his own and wrapped him in another hug, spark to spark.

A surge of love, care, devotion- Ratchet's EM field helped soothe Drift's headache, and slowly, he calmed down. His vents evened out, the sound of the fans rattling no longer another sound adding to his distress.

"Sorry, Ratty. I just, this is... really bad."

"Yeah, it is. But we'll figure it out."

Drift's voice fell to almost a whisper. He couldn't fully hear himself speak, although he felt his vocaliser warm up. "There's this weird dissonance, like everything is too loud and too quiet all at once. Like all the small noises are massive and I can't hear anything I actually want to listen to. It reminds me of coming down from a syk hit, when my sensory data would get a little messed up."

Ratchet stilled, then tightened his hold on Drift. He was careful to speak directly into Drift's audial. "Rung is here too, you know. We're all here for you. I'm here for you."

He pulled back just enough to kiss Drift's faceplate, where the tears had left stains. Drift stared at his intake; He wasn't sure if it was to return the kiss, or if it was an attempt to try to follow along with his words.

"How about this: While Aid finishes up the report on your scan results, we can lay down in our hab suite and hopefully it'll be quiet enough there for you to get some real rest. I can give you a painkiller before we head out; Nothing heavy-duty, but sensory sensitivity can be unpleasant and I want you to actually recharge if you think you can. I can call Velocity in to handle my other patients for the evening."

He hadn't been this tired earlier, but he definitely was now. Drift nodded, leaning his helm up a bit to return Ratchet's kiss.

"Yeah, that sounds good."

#my fic #my writing #dratchet #mtmte #maccadam #lost light #tf drift #tf ratchet #ratchet #drift #transformers #idw transformers #fanfic #fanfiction #ao3 #chirolinguistics #disability in media #maccadams

[thatsonemorbidcorvid]

Arina and Nina used to only meet once a week - at activities organised for the care home where Nina lived. Now, Arina is applying to become Nina's guardian, giving the 27-year-old hope she might finally be able to leave the institution where she has lived her entire adult life.

For the past few months Nina Torgashova has been able to enjoy an independence that had always been out of reach for her - shopping, cooking and washing her own clothes.

Things that would be every-day life experiences for most 27-year-olds.

But not for Nina, who has always lived in institutions, and moved when she was 18 to what, in Russia, is called a psycho-neurological care home. When the pandemic hit, she was able to savour life outside the home, with a volunteer, Arina Muratova.

Nina recalls the moment she found out she was leaving.

"I never thought anyone would take me. I had thought: "Oh no, I am going to be stuck in the care home."

It was April 2020 and the Covid-19 pandemic forced Moscow into lockdown. As visits to Nina's institution were stopped, charities lobbied for volunteers to be allowed to take responsibility for some of the residents until they could start up again.

Arina, a market research expert who loves nail art and embroidery, offered to look after Nina.

But when the 27-year-old got a taste for the freedom she'd never had, she decided she didn't want to go back.

Her 31-year-old friend was faced with a life-changing decision.

Arina has been involved in voluntary work for a decade - starting with helping children with learning difficulties and their families. She then became involved in adult care, which is when she met Nina through a Russian charity called Life Route. The charity organises trips and classes for the residents of some Russian psycho-neurological care homes (known as PNIs).

Arina started volunteering in PNI 22 - where Nina was living with hundreds of other residents - about four years ago. The care home looks after adults with a wide range of disorders, thought to relate to both cognitive disabilities and mental illness of varying severity.

Arina and Nina got to know each other through the charity Life Route which organises camps for the care home residents

Nina's diagnosis remains confidential to everyone except her care home director. This is usually the case for those residents the state judges are unable to live independently. So neither she nor Arina know why she is in the home, but Arina is surprised that she is.

Although Nina struggles with literacy and maths, Arina says she is very capable.

"She is such a quick learner and is well-adapted in everyday living," she says.

Nina was admitted to a home for disabled children when she was very young, before transferring to the PNI at 18. It is not clear whether she was taken to the children's home by her parents or was forcibly removed from their care.

She says they visited her there once, but she was frightened and hid under the bed.

"They were drunks. I was afraid. They stank of alcohol," she says.

Arina says Nina always stood out during her visits with Life Route, taking an active role in the activities and trips organised by the charity

"Nina was a very active person at her care home," says Arina. "She took part in various creative activities: amateur dramatics, arts and crafts workshops. She took part in sporting competitions, too: she played darts, she played football. Football was something she really missed after leaving the home."

When the lockdown last spring made these visits impossible, Arina suggested Zoom calls with the residents instead. But from the start is was clear this wasn't going to work - the home's internet simply wasn't strong enough. Other charities helping other care homes in Moscow and St Petersburg were facing similar problem

So these charities pressured the authorities to allow some care home residents to be released for the lockdown.

"It was all arranged in a day, and the next day the person was out. I cannot imagine anything like this before the pandemic," says Life Route's director Ivan Rozhansky.

Nevertheless Arina admits she was nervous when she made the initial decision to look after Nina. She was counting on Nina's relative independence, given she needed to work from home.

"There was a certain calculation in taking Nina. I had a lot of work to do, even during the lockdown. I realised I had to live with someone who'd be able to occupy themselves - at least some the time. With Nina it was clear that I'd be able to say: 'Now I have to work for three hours but afterwards we can make lunch together!'"

But Nina's move into the flat the charity had given the pair to live in during lockdown did get off to a slightly rocky start.

"She had very few possessions with her, just a small rucksack. She looked lost. While I was signing papers brought by the care worker, she walked around the flat. She didn't look especially overjoyed, and I had been counting on that.

"When I saw Nina looking so lost, I wondered if this had been a good idea. It's one thing to ask a person in a text if they want to move, but it's quite different to actually move them."

But not long afterwards, Arina shared a selfie with the other volunteers of herself with a grinning Nina, arms raised in joy.

Not only did Nina start shopping for food and cooking for herself, Arina arranged for her to have a maths tutor - important now she was buying things on her own.

"It's not that Nina doesn't understand things. She just never needed maths before," Arina says.

Arina herself began helping Nina with her literacy - she could read and write, but slowly and with difficulty.

"I need to be able to read and write," says Nina. "To be able to cook for myself, to go to work. I do want to have a job.

"I could make and sell friendship bracelets. I asked Arina: 'Do you know anyone who might want one?' She asked her mum, her mum was quite keen. I said: 'I will sort this!' Her mum picked the colours, Arina showed me a photo [of the colours], and I started making it."

Arina says she wanted to make sure she gave Nina responsibility for herself, rather than always taking charge, even if this did not always go to plan.

She cites the example of Nina wanting to learn to draw. Arina found another volunteer who could teach her over Zoom, and explained to Nina that she should make sure she joined the lessons. But after a while she discovered Nina had been missing some sessions.

"I don't want to chase another grown-up and pester them," says Arina. "I felt this was the kind of responsibility Nina could sustain, and we had conflicts around it."

But on another occasion Arina wanted to be more involved in Nina's life than regulations allowed.

Nina had complained of a terrible stomach ache and was admitted to hospital for several days of tests. Arina was not allowed to stay with her because she was not a relative or guardian.

"Pleas, send Nina some reassuring messages," she texted to the volunteer group chat. "Poor thing's terrified, she is having a third blood test and is scared."

Thankfully there was nothing seriously wrong.

As the Moscow lockdown eased in June, the Life Route charity was faced with a challenge.

"It became obvious that those people our foundation took to the assisted living flats for the duration of the quarantine did not want to go back to the PNI," says Ivan Rozhansky, the charity's director.

These institutions have been a focus of concern for some time.

In early 2019, Russia's deputy prime minister Tatiana Golikova ordered an inspection of living conditions in 192 psycho-neurological care homes. A consumer watchdog, Rospotrebnadzor, discovered violations of health and safety and other regulations in around 80% of them.

In January of this year Russia's Ministry of Labour introduced a number of structural changes to the provision of care for those in PNIs, including a move to help social workers provide assistance for some people in private homes rather than in state institutions.

"Obviously, all these changes will not be realised immediately on January 1, 2021, but step-by-step the situation will be changing," Golikova said.

Maria Sisneva from the charity Stop PNI says the quality of life in Russian care homes is poor.

"At a PNI you will have 500-1,000 people living in close quarters, but with very different levels of ability, and different backgrounds, different needs. They live in extremely cramped conditions, at best they'd be two to a small room, often in corridors, in spaces similar to military barracks, isolated from the outside world. They barely have any real social experience."

The director of PNI 22, where Nina was living, is clear about the benefits of care homes, however.

"The main advantage of psycho-neurological homes is security," says Anton Kliuchev. "The residents are looked after by professionals, who know exactly how to help and support them, how to talk to them, how to take care of them."

Care homes for people with specialist needs and mental illness exist all over the world. But from the mid-20th Century in the US and some European countries, a process of deinstitutionalisation started, aimed at replacing long-stay closed facilities with care within the community. Yet, in Russia care homes are still the predominant model.

According to Russian government statistics, as of February 2020 there were more than 150,000 people living in PNIs.

Unlike many countries, Russia's assisted living provision is only in its infancy. National charities believe that if this alternative system were more established, many care home residents could leave their institutions.

"Right now the system in Russia is such that if a person is believed to be insufficiently independent by the state, there is nowhere for them to go apart from a PNI, or [for those with physical disabilities] an invalids' home," says Sisneva.

Life Route began to discuss how the assisted living arrangement could be made permanent for the nine people they rehoused during lockdown. The charity rented four apartments, including one for Nina to share with fellow care home residents Sergey and Ivan. Arina moved back to her own apartment, and began instead to spend one night a week at Nina's new accommodation on rotation with other volunteers.

But there was another hurdle.

The PNI can only release their residents' care permanently to Life Route if those people have what is termed "legal capacity" - in other words, the state considers them able to function independently in theory, even if in practice they are in a care home.

Nina does not have legal capacity - all decisions about her life are made for her by the director of her PNI. As Nina is so functionally able, it is not clear why this is, though experts say it can be simply a foible of the system. If, like Nina, someone has arrived from previous care such as a children's home, and has never been properly assessed, their legal status might never be challenged.

So Arina has applied to become Nina's guardian.

"One day it just sort of clicked. And I realised I had to do it."

If her request is granted, Arina will become responsible for every element of Nina's life - financial, practical, emotional and medical. As her guardian the PNI will finally share Nina's diagnosis with her.

The process won't be straightforward, she says, involving extensive financial, physical and psychological check-ups on Arina.

"Emotionally [the decision] wasn't easy either," says Arina. "But once I took Nina out of the care home, she became my responsibility."

This all-consuming obligation might explain why there are so few people who volunteer to become legal guardians in Russia.

While Arina waits to be granted Nina's guardianship, the PNI could demand that Nina - whose state benefits they are currently losing out on - return to them at any time.

Meanwhile, Arina says she is still working out the exact role she plays in Nina's life.

"I can never be Nina's mum. I will never be able to give her the childhood she deserved."

But she accepts that Nina sees her as much more than a friend. Nina expects her presence on all important errands: to the dentist, to get her ears pierced, to get registered at the local GP.

And these new responsibilities have come at a time when life has been tough for Arina in other ways.

"It wasn't just Nina who went through a big emotional change. I went through a lot emotionally, too - during this time my salary was cut; I have had complicated developments in my personal life."

But Arina says all this has brought them closer together.

"Once you have gone through all these experiences [alongside another person], it is hard to backpedal.

"I won't say I'm not anxious about it. I'm incredibly anxious. And there are certain people around me who freak me out even more. They keep asking me. 'Have you thought it through? It's for life!'

"I calm myself down by saying that we have a plan."

That plan is to work towards eventually restoring Nina's full legal capacity.

Nina needs to be deemed independent by the state if she ever wants to live alone or get a job.

Other than Arina, she has one other close relationship - with a man called Sasha, who she met in PNI 22, and who is now in assisted living in a different apartment. Nina regularly meets up with Sasha in the city, and is clearly fond of him. Arina is aware that Nina may want to eventually marry and she would need legal capacity for that too.

So Arina hopes Nina's tutoring will give her the option to be assessed at some point.

"Examiners look closely at a person's reading, writing and counting abilities," Arina has heard.

The process is not publicly available but anecdotal accounts suggest it can include everything from being expected to dance or sing a song, or even know the price of a loaf of bread.

Arina says they won't apply for Nina to take this test until she is as prepared as she can be.

In the meantime, Arina is involved in all the important moments of Nina's life.

"Maybe I'm just the type of person that is not afraid of responsibility. It is an unexpected - but actually a good thing - that has happened to me.

"I love her. There's not much to it. I love her very much."

My Friend from a Care Home is available to watch now on YouTube.

[ms-m-astrologer]

Transiting Mercury enters pre-retrograde shadow

Timeline (current events in BOLD)

Wednesday, September 23, 20:55 UT - transiting Mercury enters Rx shadow, 25:54 Libra

Sunday, September 27, 07:41 UT - transiting Mercury enters Scorpio

Thursday, October 1, 15:49 UT - Mercury’s greatest eastern elongation, 4:36 Scorpio

Wednesday, October 14, 01:05 UT - transiting Mercury stations retrograde, 11:40 Scorpio

Sunday, October 25, 18:23 UT - Sun-Mercury inferior conjunction, 2:47 Scorpio

Wednesday, October 28, 01:33 UT - transiting Mercury retrogrades back into Libra

Tuesday, November 3, 17:50 UT - transiting Mercury stations direct, 25:54 Libra

Tuesday, November 10, 17:00 UT - Mercury’s greatest western elongation, 29:47 Libra

Tuesday, November 10, 21:55 UT - transiting Mercury re-enters Scorpio

Thursday, November 19, 21:04 UT - transiting Mercury exits post-retrograde shadow, 11:40 Scorpio

I know, I know, it royally sucks that Mercury stations direct on the US’s election day. It did the same thing back on November 7, 2000: Mercury started the day retrograde, then changed signs (from Scorpio to Libra), before stationing direct very late (US time) that night. If you weren’t born yet, can’t remember what happened, or have blocked that unpleasantness out of your memory - there was much angst involving vote counts and recounts in Florida, and the election wasn’t officially decided until December 12, 2000. So, gang, don’t expect any instant results on November 3, 2020, either. Brace yourselves now.

Anyway. I really loathe these multi-sign retrogrades, because there’s twice as much work to do. What essentially happens, is that we somehow muff the final passage of the planet through the first sign, which makes it impossible to “do” the next sign well (or at all).

Especially given the Capricorn pile-up of unpalatable realities, the trouble with Mercury/Libra is a failure or refusal to admit the truth. We have our rose-colored glasses practically welded to our eyes, and we aren’t going to take them off. Our current situation is described in an uncannily prescient way by Chrissie Blaze, in her book Mercury Retrograde. About “Mercury Retrograde in Libra,” she wrote: 

Your sense of justice and equality may be challenged through apparently unfair events that are out of your control. Actually, life is now compelling you to view things from a perspective other than your own. Try walking in someone else’s shoes and see how it feels.

I’m personally not sure how far I want to walk in racists’ shoes - but understanding how racists got that way (e.g., susceptibility to being “played” by monied elites) can help me fix the problem.

The main thing you should do for now, is to identify which of your natal houses contain the span of 25:54 Libra through 11:40 Scorpio. (That’s tucked away in Ms M’s 12th House.) Next, see if this is going to trigger anything in your chart. Will there be aspects to the Sun, Moon, angles, Nodes, important planets? (Quite a few things for Ms M, with the main one being a three-peat conjunction to her natal North Node.)

I’m going to limit myself to the first Merc/Libra part of the proceedings. That’s enough for starters.

Wednesday, September 23, 10:38 UT - Saturn Rx/Capricorn square Mercury/Libra, 25:21 (25 degrees 21 minutes);  Thursday, September 24, 09:53 UT - transiting Mercury opposite Mars Rx/Aries, 26:36 (26 degrees 36 minutes)

Technically, that Saturn square happens about 10 hours before Mercury enters its retrograde shadow. I’m including it here because it’s the first of three squares between them. And although Mercury’s opposition to Mars happens after the shadow begins, we lucked out - this is a one-and-done situation. All together, though, it sets the unsettling tone for the entire Mercury Retrograde period.

Saturn Rx/Capricorn and Mars Rx/Aries are both very stubborn and difficult. “Intractable” and “implacable” come to mind. This isn’t a new situation (cardinal sign affliction), but rather something we have as yet failed to deal with properly, or healthily. Remember the Lennon lyric: “I couldn’t walk, but I tried to run”? Another way to look at it is an angry populace (Mars of course) versus a shady power structure (Saturn of course).

My thought is that this Merc Rx may start out as some kind of argument - bearing in mind that oppositions work through other people. Someone (perhaps a partner or an “authority”) says something extremely outrageous, offensive, inflammatory, etc. Maybe we hear it when watching the news, maybe while in the store, at work, on the bus. But those angry words set off the Merc Rx process for us. Do we try to understand it from the person’s point of view? Do we clasp our rose-colored glasses even tighter? Do we ignore it and hope it goes away? It’s impossible to mediate between two sides that want to obliterate each other - perhaps that’s the lesson we need to grasp.

For another take: Cam White, a YouTube (and other places) astrologer, mentioned this gnarly start. He thinks it’s going to manifest as Merc/Libra trying to harmonize everything, and Saturn/Cap just saying, “Nope. I’m not going to do that.” What does a peacemaking Mercury/Libra do, in the face of evil?

Placements lie between 24:21 and 27:36 of the cardinal signs Aries, Cancer, Libra, and Capricorn; and between 9:21 and 12:36 of the mutable signs Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius, and Aquarius.

Sunday, September 27, 07:38 UT - Ceres Rx/Aquarius trine Mercury/Libra, 29:59

Interesting “blink and you miss it” set up here. At 07:20 UT, Ceres retrogrades back into Aquarius; Ceres trines Mercury at 07:38 UT; Mercury enters Scorpio at 07:41 UT. Twenty-one minutes total, and most of us in the US will sleep right through it. (Aussies, will you please tell us what we missed??)

Fortunately, this is also the first of three trines between Mercury and Ceres. The second one, on October 28, is also in Libra/Aquarius; but the third one, on November 10, sees Mercury moved back into Scorpio and Ceres back into Pisces.

Demetra George (in Asteroid Goddesses) wrote that flowing aspects between Mercury and Ceres “signify the ability to communicate empathetically with others and have rapport with beings who exhibit various levels of intelligence: children, the mentally disabled, plants, and animals.” In a natal chart this helps us develop “new communication skills that enable (us) to clearly articulate (our) needs and actively listen to and receive the response of others.”

So, yes, it’s a good thing that we’re going to have three tries! I’m still blown away by the brevity of this first pass, though. Those of us who won’t be awake, can ask for some dream guidance.

Placements affected lie between 28:59 and 29:59 of the yang signs Aries, Gemini, Leo, Libra, Sagittarius, and Aquarius.

#Astrology #Transiting Mercury enters pre-Rx shadow #Ms M astrologer

[thistangledbrain]

Hi there👋🏼

I’m Scottie, and I’m a 44 year old autistic mama of 2 Autie boys. I also have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (classical type).

I had been thinking of starting a blog recently, and when FB kicked me off for 30 days again for something silly right at the start of ASD Awareness Month & the kickoff of a “blog like” string of posts, I figured this was as good a time as any.

Short intro:

I didn’t know I was autistic until pursuing a diagnosis for my youngest son, a few years ago. Talking to his therapists about him, they wanted to know how I understood him so well, and how I could explain things he didn’t have words for (he was in his early teens before we pursued a formal diagnosis), like what meltdowns feel like & how we handle them. That led to the understanding that I was also on the spectrum.

Although my oldest hasn’t been formally diagnosed (sorry but I don’t have $1500 for each one of our “formal” tests, so we have to go off therapists and other shit), it’s very apparent he’s also autistic (he and I are classed under “Asperger’s”, if that label was still relevant, anyway). My youngest is a senior in HS who is a history buff & gamer, and my oldest is a sophomore at UMW, pursuing a degree in physics. They’re such incredible humans, that I wonder how they came from *me*. ☺️

So, April is Autism Awareness Month, and I wanted to actually divulge to my friends what it’s like inside my brain (for some reason, they’re genuinely curious lol), so using this handy 1-30 meme, I figured I’d do that.

A little more background: I’ve held a number of pretty interesting jobs, but the one that’s the most important to me is that I served in the United States Marine Corps when my oldest was small (joined at 24). I get a lot of curiosity from fellow vets and other auties about autistics in the military, and this is a topic I love to speak on...so just ask, if you’re curious. ☺️ Yes, I was actually a damn decent Marine, and collected some awards and certifications in my short time that mean the world to me. I happen to believe the military is actually an ideal environment for auties, if you like to push yourself. (For any curious, my MOS was 6152 - CH-46 Airframes.) I *absolutely* still consider myself a Marine (“Once a Marine, always a Marine”, as the saying goes). Honor, courage, commitment, and all the core leadership values are just naturally part of who I am as a person. And I might be “old and busted” now, but I still bite. 😉😁

The rest of my working career was spent in construction (I *love* to build, create, and work with my hands), and working with horses and dogs. Dogs are my “special interest”, and I am a fairly successful “rehab” foster for a myriad of guardian breeds, like the Cane Corso, Neapolitan Mastiff, Dogo Argentino, Dogue de Bordeaux, Great Dane, and many others. Great Danes and Cane Corsi are my favorite breeds & I adore working with both. Behavior interests me far more than obedience, though I LOVE a dialed-in working Corso, and have one who works our little rescue farm. I’m proud of his training, and the training of another who I spent a year dialing in as a service dog for another disabled Marine vet friend. (Side note: I don’t generally recommend Corsi for SD work. This was a unique need, situation, and bloodline.)

I’m a “dog nerd”...whether it’s behavior, training, health, or the various breeds and their traits, I can talk dogs with you all day. Dogs enable me to be successfully social, too, and are why I have a large network of good friends...which was impossible before I got into rescue and training. I can be as gregarious as a NT, if there’s a dog attached to me LOL...

But, a few years ago, EDS killed any hope I have ever again of holding a regular job, and even limited my ability with training.

I went through a complete identity crisis, which I’ll probably write about at some point. I feel like I’m clawing my way out of that and finding my footing again, and I’m hoping this blog will help anyone else - whether you’re an Autie, raising one of us little heathens, otherwise disabled, or just curious what it’s like to step inside the brain of someone who doesn’t think like most people.

If you’re new here, just know that I cuss like a ...well, like a Marine...I’m blunt, direct, honest, and I genuinely don’t have time for haters.

Autism is called a spectrum for a reason. I might not be like any other autistics you know...until you “get to know me” a little (easy...I’m an open book both online and off). I always encourage NTs (that’s Neurotypicals, or you “normal people” - whatever THAT means) to get to know as many autistics as you can, to help dispel myths and misunderstandings.

As a friend said - autism is simply a different operating system. You have an android and I have iOS. We can still communicate, but we just process information differently.

So welcome, pull up a chair, and know that it might get weird.

After all...if it wasn’t gonna, would you be even all that interested in being here? 😏

#autism #autistic #ASD #autistic women

[cripple-cryptid]

Getting To Know Me (Again)

It’s been a long time since I’ve really made a serious post that was well thought out and also like, a full update. It’s been a long time since I’ve even really just made a literal “Life Update” as well. So I guess this is a good time. I think it’s important because this blog has changed quite a bit in the past few years, and I think that I need to just make some things clear. This is probably going to get long, and heavy, but I think this is important, and I’m hoping that maybe I can help people in the future after I get this taken care of. Fair Warning: I am literally the worst at organizing this sort of thing, but I would really appreciate it if you read it the whole way through because it would mean a whole lot to me.

Hello. My name is Sava. I’m 22 years old. I’m a transmasculine Agender individual, and my preferred pronouns are They/He. Truthfully, I don’t mind other pronouns as long as they are not She/Her. I am a trans person, and I experience dysphoria. I’m planning on getting top surgery and HRT at some point in my life. I don’t know when, but I hope that it will be soon. I’m also Asexual, and Aromantic. I’m sex repulsed, and romantically indifferent. I am polyaffectionate (thanks to @aromanticpolyamory for the flag on this one, and coining the term as far as I’m aware?) and I have two partners. I love them both very much, with all my heart, even when I am an AroAce. So in summary, I’m a polyaffectionate Triple A (thank you @aro-ace-agender-space for the beautiful Triple A Pride Flag once again I literally love it to death)

I am also disabled. Mentally, and physically. I went most of my life undiagnosed, however I have been tested repeatedly for various things since I was a small child. I was always disregarded, and never got a proper diagnosis for my mental illnesses until I was 17. My physical ailments were ignored and went unnoticed until I was an adult, and I still am working towards a true understanding of what is going on. I am an amalgamation of many things, both mentally and physically, and it is a very long and frustrating process. Everything from my Depression, PTSD, and various other mental illnesses mix with my hEDS, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Migraines, and Insomnia. New symptoms are cropping up, as well as potential new problems. There are many things that make sense to me now that I look back on how I grew up. My old injuries make sense. My weird allergies make sense. Some of the things that I seemed to have inherited from my parents now make sense. But now that I’m older, I’m starting to learn. I have tools, braces, and mobility aids that make life easier. I finally decided that meds are a smart idea, so doing the responsible thing is starting to pay off. I hope.

I’m...not the same person I was when I first joined this site 10 years ago. I was innocent, misguided, selfish, manipulative, lazy, and bigoted. I did nothing to change my views, and didn’t really allow anyone to educate me on things that I did not realize were actually important. I was ableist, somehow sexist and misogynistic, and downright stupid. Despite all this, I thought I was right in all the wrong ways, and never tried to properly justify any of my points. And this is where everything changes.

I am going to put a warning here now. These are my beliefs, and If I receive any hate in my messages or in my askbox because of what I am about to say, I’m not even going to answer them. I am entitled to my opinion, and you are to yours. If I am threatened, I will report the threats. And that is that.

You are allowed to self Dx. I’m not going to say that it’s better than a professional diagnosis 100% of the time, but some people are not capable of getting a professional Dx at that point in their lives. Sometimes, it’s the start of the journey towards finding answers, and that is why I support it. You do not need dysphoria to be trans. Now mind you, I am referring to the umbrella term here. I feel that sometimes, you don’t agree with the identity that you were assigned with at birth, and that it can cause a serious disconnect. This can apply to many different identities, whether that is genderfluidity, gender neutrality, or another identity, it is not for me to say. I am not in charge of your body, you mind, and how your autonomy works. I know that people will argue with me on this, but I think the most important thing is that we all need to support each other in the community, regardless of what labels we use. It’s a journey of self discovery, and sometimes, labels change. It’s okay. I love you no matter what. Aspec People belong in the LGBT+ community. I’m not going to expand on this because I don’t have to. There is plenty of history that you can look up for yourself on the internet, and I don’t have to justify myself. Your spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof) are yours to practice, and I’m not going to shame you for them. I have my own beliefs, and I’m not going to shove them down your throat. I’m not going to tell you that you’re going to hell. I’m not going to try to “convert” you. I’m going to respect you to the best of my ability, and if I need clarification on anything, I will try my best to make sure that I do not overstep any boundaries. I will not shame you for your body, no matter how you look or how it works. It is not my place to tell you how to look, how to dress, or how to take care of yourself. I love you and I hope that you can love yourself, too. Abled people do not have a say in how to treat disabled bodies. You do not know our pain and you have not gone through the same journies that we have. This goes the same for neurotypical people and speaking for neurodivergent people. We know ourselves better than you ever could. POC voices are the only voices that matter on topics that relate to their struggles. White voices hold no weight because we know nothing about what we are saying. BLACK LIVES MATTER. FOREVER.

There are many topics that I have not addressed here, but I cannot think of many more at this current moment. I’m considering making some sort of masterpost, or fixing up my FAQ later on to better address all these things later on. But I have more that I need to and want to say in this post, and I need to move on.

It’s been a long time, and things change. I have changed. This blog has changed many times. I will probably be revamping the appearance of the blog soon as well. so I decided that this long post is a good time to say the things that I need to say.

I want to help people. I might be a bit of a grump, and sometimes, I’m a bit of a wild card when it comes to things that I’ve posted in the past (read as: I’ve posted some really dark shit because I’ve been in some really dark places in the past). I don’t know everything, but I still want to be here to help others. I want to be here for people that are struggling with pain, and need some help. I want to be here for people that are hurting and don’t know how to start the process of healing. I want to be here for people that maybe don’t have the capability to get the help that they need, because they will never have the chance. I want to be the friend that I never had when I was younger. If I can do that, I’ll be happy. This might just be wishful thinking, but I really do want to be a bigger voice in the disabled community, in the mental health community, and in the LGBT+ community. I want to be part of something bigger.

So once again I will say: I’m Sava. I’m 22. I’m a triple A. I’m polyaffectionate. I’m disabled. And I want to help others and make a difference.

#spoonie #disabled #chronic illness #chronic pain #neurodivergent #self care #l!fe #me #long post #LGBT+ #aroace #asexual #aromantic #agender #polyaffectionate #trans #cane user #wheelchair user

[bigskydreaming]

So there’s that saying about how funerals are for the living, not the deceased. And various related thoughts on similar lines about mourning. That grief for lost loved ones is ultimately most about the people left behind figuring out how to make peace with that. That its not really about moving on or ever being okay with someone’s death, but more about the process of adjusting your reality to being a reality where there will always be a person-shaped hole in the place in your life where that loved one would normally have been found while still alive.

While the mourning period uses a lot of the same terminology as other healing processes, you don’t really ever heal from losing a loved one. With the exception of things like being a child physically dependent on a parent for child, losing someone to death doesn’t make you physically less capable of life without them, it makes life less the life you want to have, with your preference understandably being a life that still has them in it.

Basically, the point is that grief is one of those things that happens to you, that affects you in profound, even fundamental ways, where the thing that actually ‘happened’ didn’t actually happen to you. You the person are not focal point of what changed, no matter how deeply you feel that change.....your life is what is now different. Of course you were affected, of course its about you in that way, but its a difference of focus, not questioning the depth of impact or change itself. 

Whereas recovering from an accident or injury or adjusting to something that results in you having a disability or a lifelong illness, all of these could be described or paralleled to an assault on you, coping with the loss of a loved one would be more akin to that person having been kidnapped, in such a way as to leave most people assuming they’ll never be coming back.

All of which is to say....comic books are notoriously infamous for nobody ever staying dead, though this is more true of certain universes and franchises than others. But even within the DC universe itself, writers, readers and even other characters make similar statements a lot, about taking it for granted that most superheroes or supervillains will return eventually....even though that’s never actually been true. Its that most of the characters who will never return, will never be assumed likely to return at some point, even far down the line...for the most part, those characters are the families of superheroes rather than heroes themselves. The supporting ensembles, whose comic book deaths might have been because they weren’t the star of a title themselves, but who are only even less likely to ever be viewed as justifying a starring role after they’re dead, thus their ‘relevance’ to the larger comic book universe isn’t likely to ever be something other than what effects their life and death had on the characters they were a supporting cast for.

But the question I’m contemplating now is....what does all of that mean in the context of something like Jason Todd’s return? Specifically: in the real world, we understand and even take for granted the reasoning behind lines like “funerals are for the living,” because whatever our individual belief systems and what they have to say about the dead and our particular ways of honoring them....those things are about belief, about faith, that’s kinda the point. 

That we don’t really know for sure, but all we can really do is work with what we think they would want, or what we hope the afterlife holds for them, or what we think we would want if it were us and they were the ones left behind in our place, but even then, there, we’d still be working from assumptions and best guesses, because none of us were actually in their place, seeing and feeling it and being affected by it all through their eyes, rather than from a distance, even if a close, familial one.

But then someone like Jason returns and says guess what, your best guess was wrong. And what does “the dead don’t really want anything, they’re dead,” mean or even matter when someone comes back and says “well guess what, I did want my death avenged, and I’m alive now, and it matters to me?” 

When Bruce says something like how he didn’t kill Joker because he’d spent his whole life resisting becoming that person, and killing the Joker felt like it would be letting him win, like it would be letting the Joker use his son, use Jason, to win his sick game that was always by the Joker’s own claim more about Bruce and the Joker, rather than the Joker and any of the Robins, and in that sense Bruce honestly didn’t ever believe that Jason would have wanted him to kill the Joker, even to avenge him, if it meant letting the Joker win as a direct result....what does it mean then, for Jason to say no, you were wrong, I would have wanted you to kill him, that was what mattered to me, what I would have wanted, you made the wrong call there and what you did wasn’t actually about what I wanted at all.

Its a weirdly distinctive kind of “if a tree falls in the forest” question: if Jason actually wanted the Joker dead, wanted Bruce to have killed the Joker, was Bruce ‘wrong’ to have believed the exact opposite? What does him being wrong even mean, if so - does it mean that he didn’t actually know Jason as well as he thought he did, or does it mean that he wasn’t actually doing what he truly believed Jason would want, but justifying the choice he wanted to make regardless?

Or had he been right that Jason as he knew him wouldn’t have wanted that, but Jason as changed by the Joker killing him, even if just in those last final moments, did want that because even just those last final moments were profound enough to make him want something so profoundly different.....but that Bruce can hardly have been expected to know, with certainty enough to act upon, that this was the specific difference that change those moments wrought in him, to make “what Jason would have wanted” an entirely opposite thing to “what Jason would have wanted, as Bruce believed based on Jason as he knew him just twenty-four hours prior to his death?” 

Because then all that just begs the flip side to those questions, because at the exact same time...look at the exact same questions from Jason’s perspective. If Bruce had done what he did, chosen not to kill the Joker because he genuinely, truly with all his heart believed that by doing so, he would let the Joker win, and that would cheapen Jason’s death and how much he fought the likes of the Joker even to his last breath....then doesn’t that matter, even if he wasn’t actually right about what Jason wanted? If the actions were still in Jason’s name, still born of a father’s love for his son more than they were his own issues and priorities, isn’t that more important than the actual actions themselves? Conversely, what if something like the Earth Jason saw on his multiversal Countdown trip had come about - what if Bruce had killed the Joker, become his worst fear, and kept killing, and Jason had still returned and said no, I didn’t want this....could Bruce still have justified any of that by claiming to have done it in his name, to avenge him?

Or was it always a vicious Catch-22 where the answers were wrong either way, or both were right in their own ways, but whether Jason returned to find Bruce had killed the Joker or not, the ultimate not-funny joke was he was likely to find fault in his father’s actions regardless of what they were, because the true trauma of his death and everything that surrounded it and his return were that what the Joker did to Jason’s life, the impact of it, they weren’t over just because Jason returned from death.....that all of that was still an ongoing process, an open wound that hadn’t even begun to heal because it was still exposed and constantly reopening as soon as it even started to close? That Jason was never going to be okay and vindicated by what Bruce chose either way, because it was never Bruce’s choice or wrong choice that was causing him pain there, it was the fact that he was still traumatized, the Joker’s actions were still wrecking havoc on his life and his mind, and the Joker didn’t even actually need to still be alive to do that, not when Jason might have just have easily ended up railing at Bruce for making the wrong choice and thus letting the Joker win, because what Jason was really screaming either way is “I’m not okay, I just want my dad to make things okay and this isn’t it cuz I’m still not okay”?

We call the collision of Bruce’s choices and Jason’s return a trainwreck because of how badly all that went, but doesn’t trauma of sufficient degree always look like a trainwreck when its ongoing, still happing moment by painful slow-motion moment? Would it be more accurate to describe the real collision as one between Jason’s return to life and the pain and trauma that are a casualty of being alive? Couldn’t it be said that there was never any chance of Bruce successfully avenging Jason, no matter what choice he made, because avenging the dead is something undertaken with the implicit understanding that the dead are past pain, are beyond trauma, and thus no form of avenging someone’s death is going to lessen the pain and suffering that death brought them, and is returned to them the second they return to flesh and blood, no closer to having ‘healed’ or ‘recovered’ from that by virtue of having been dead between now and then....since after all, while dead, Jason hadn’t actually needed anything, had been past that pain, beyond that trauma?

Basically: what do the things people say and do in their grief mean and matter in the face of those they were grieving returning and saying they did it wrong, and that nothing that was done while they were gone makes things better about what happened to them or how it affected and changed them? How do you ever grieve for someone after a thing like that happens....and you’re forever after that point keenly aware that how you grieve and mourn might NOT just be about you and the others left behind, but might very well be choices you’re asked to justify and defend should this loved one too someday return from the grave? What kind of shadow does it cast over all the others you’ve mourned but haven’t seen return; how much does it call into question that what you’ve done with your life or the things you’ve done since they died are actually what they would have wanted, would be proud of?

Me @ DC: Hey, snuffwizards, I have lots of questions about that Great Big Revolving Door in the Sky over at Earth Prime, and all your characters’ relationships with it and with those who have gone through it and around and around and around again like they’re five year olds and the doorman whose job is to make sure those dang kids don’t treat it like a carousel, like, has been off on a fifty year-long smoke break. What are the chances of us ever getting some stories touching on all of that, with perhaps a little bit more nuance than:

Jason: makes pew pew noises/Bruce: ANAKIN NOOOOOO!!!/Alfred: My word! Also some more British words!/Dick: quick, deduce my current personality from the length of my hair/Tim: brb, deep in the middle of an intricate plan that looks like nothing’s happening but that’s just how you can tell its working/Cass: exists/Damian: sometimes, I stab things. Stabbily. Tt. Duke: did Snyder write this, y/n, if no, that means nobody else knows where I’m supposed to be right now either, right, Steph: Well if Duke doesn’t have to go I don’t see why I have to/Bruce: do you see what you’ve done Jason? look at your family, you’re killing your family Jason!/Jason: what part of this are you having trouble hearing, old man? I SAID PEW PEW NOISES.

#long post #apparently the secret ingredient to getting me to remember to tag something long post is for it to be 3 am

[cannabisrefugee-esq]

Crohn's Disease is a Terminal Illness. Coming to Terms.

January 23, 2019

After researching this disease for going on 6 years now, I believe I have come to a rational conclusion about Crohn’s disease which is that it is not a so-called incurable progressive disease but a fatal one: based on all the evidence including anecdotal evidence from patients themselves I now believe that Crohn’s disease is a terminal illness.  I have more or less concluded that before but for some reason I hadn’t yet come to terms with it.  It’s not easy to come to terms with something like that but not because I suffer from what is almost certainly going to cause my untimely death but because everyone, and I mean absolutely everyone is lying their asses off about Crohn’s disease including how “treatable” it is, what kind of quality of life Crohn’s patients can reasonably expect, how predictably disabling it is and why, and how it’s probably going to end.

But before we get to the end it’s important to start at the beginning and admit what Crohn’s disease is at base: Crohn’s patients, including myself, have to medicate in order to eat. And that is serious, very serious indeed.  If there is anything that is any less compatible with life than a disease that prevents the sick person from eating I can’t think of it.  A disease that prevented the sick person from breathing wouldn’t be any less compatible with life than Crohn’s is, it would just be quicker.

To illustrate, for the last 6 weeks or so I have been extremely fatigued to the point of being bedridden for most of it.  If it weren’t for having to get up to take care of my cats and absolutely bare-minimally tending to my small business I probably wouldn’t have been able to get up at all.  Once I had to move from the bed to the couch for most of the day because my bed had become damp and clammy from having laid in it for too many hours, days and weeks in a row: I flayed the covers off it and hit it with a box fan.  I couldn’t change the sheets because my only other set has been sitting in the hamper for 2 months waiting to be washed and other chronically ill people know exactly what that means: the last good day I had was 2 months ago where I changed the sheets and did half of my laundry.  Since then I haven’t been able to do a good goddamned thing.

Anyway, I’ve been so unbelievably exhausted recently that I’ve been unable to medicate properly.  Instead of changing my cannabis-infused transdermal patches every day or every other day, a few times I let it go for 4 or 5 days and for that I paid a terrible price: on top of the crippling fatigue and general malaise, as well as the continuous, daily pain and symptoms from Crohn’s which are always present to some degree and never go away, I was also so fucking sick from not medicating that I could no longer eat.  I had terrible stomach and intestinal pain including distressing burning, itching, pulling, pressure and boggy sensations as well as gastroparesis, nausea, heartburn, esophageal spasms and unsurprisingly, a profound aversion to food.  Which was good in a way since I was so tired I couldn’t have gotten to the grocery store to buy food anyway even if I had money to buy it or even a way to get to the store which I don’t.  And all of this misery, every bit of it including my poverty are due to the last 6 years spent as a full-blown Crohn’s patient but again, let’s not forget what Crohn’s is at base: it’s not about fatigue, it’s not about pain in a general or even in a specific way.  Although there is plenty of it it’s not about pain.  Crohn’s patients cannot eat.  We can’t eat.

As one might expect, following days, weeks, months and longer without a proper meal Crohn’s patients often become crazed and try to “eat something” — food which is then processed in our bodies exactly like poison.  We get nauseated and sweaty, we wretch, we heave, we shit our fucking brains out, all of which exacerbates our food aversion.  And as Crohn’s is admittedly a lifelong, incurable and progressive disease it goes on forever.  Forever.  Until you die from it.  No, Crohn’s patients do not die natural deaths peacefully in their sleep at an advanced age.  Crohn’s patients don’t sleep, at least not without massive pharmaceutical or other interventions.  When they die, Crohn’s patients die from not eating, or from the effects of their medications, or both. Or they die on the operating table or by suicide, both because of the Crohn’s.  They don’t have a chance to become old but again, that’s focusing on the end which becomes confusing as to cause.  Here it is helpful to go back to the beginning to what Crohn’s actually is at base: Crohn’s patients cannot eat.  We can’t eat.  And if you can’t eat you die.

All the conventional treatments we take, all the chasing our tails with alternative treatments including medical cannabis that aren’t sustainable anyway, all the resources poured into us (or not) by family and friends, all the money we spend on ourselves to get relief from this hideous disease is because we can’t eat and we are trying to fix that.  Even Crohn’s patients who achieve so-called “clinical remission” using dangerous and life-threatening drugs continue to have issues regardless of what the scopes say, regardless of whether there appears to be any active inflammation or not.  But if the treatment is successful, no matter how sick they still are, even if the medication gives them lupus or diabetes or AIDS or cancer, the “successful” Crohn’s patient will be able to eat.  That’s all we are asking for and it’s all some of us ever get — that’s what the successful ones get.  Although we are still sicker than most people can even imagine, finally, finally we get to eat.

And many Crohn’s patients never achieve clinical remission or have any success or get any relief at all from conventional treatments (i.e. we still can’t eat).  I didn’t.  After 2 entire years on conventional Crohn’s treatments I couldn’t eat a fucking thing.  Out of desperation I spent thousands of dollars on a sickening enteral feed that was supposed to give me all the nutrients I needed but without any fiber or anything to digest — it all went straight to my liver.  But because it had to go through my stomach and small intestine first, otherwise known as eating, all it did was make me sicker.  I was literally starving to death and there was nothing I or my doctors could do about it.  I was absolutely circling the drain.

It took me an entire year on mega-doses of marijuana (approaching 1,000mg THC daily, where 5-10mg is a standard recreational dose and 25-50mg is a standard medical dose) including smoking pot and eating simultaneously — a bite of food, a bong hit, repeat — to be able to tolerate food again.  After I stopped eating GMOs and switched to an exclusively 100% organic diet (including raw fermented organic food and various organic and non-GMO supplements) I didn’t have to smoke during meals anymore, but I still had to medicate daily.  In order to eat.  Of course, marijuana is also an exquisite pain reliever so a goodly portion of my pain and symptoms were also quelled and I felt remarkably better — about 50% better than I had since well before my diagnosis.  I was still extremely sick and I didn’t understand that part but I could eat again, I could sleep again and that was good enough for me.

I thought I would continue to get better though and I didn’t.   Because with Crohn’s the best you can hope for is to be able to eat again and even that’s not expected to last; it’s a progressive disease so you’re doing well if you stay the same and don’t get worse.  For me, because of the pot, I can still eat but I am, in fact, getting progressively worse.  The fatigue is worse, the good days are fewer and farther between but for now, because I can medicate, I can eat.  Of course, I can’t eat dairy, eggs, legumes, or anything in the gourd family (including squash, cucumber and melon) but I can eat.  As long as it’s organic and non-GMO I can eat (unless I can’t).

But what does it mean to be reliant on a consumerist solution — meaning “treatments” of any type including conventional, alternative or herbal including cannabis — in order to be able to eat?  That’s what no one seems willing to say.  From any angle, being dependent on a consumerist solution or any solution in order to eat means that you have an extremely serious and likely terminal disease.  Doesn’t it?  The fact that Crohn’s only gets worse over time underscores that point, where even if you do manage to find a consumerist solution that works, and even if you have easy access to it forever (most people don’t) over time you will find that you’re unable to eat once again.  Crohn’s “progresses” into stricturing or fistulizing late in the game, but early on it progresses from not being able to eat certain things to not being able to eat at all.  That’s the moment you would normally die except for consumerist solutions that only prolong the dying process.   You will face death by starvation again if you live that long where conventional treatments are known to kill you.

And that’s another point isn’t it — the drugs.  How, one may wonder, does Big Medicine justify giving extremely toxic drugs to Crohn’s patients when the drugs themselves cause hideous and disabling iatrogenic illnesses and injuries including lupus, opportunistic infections and cancer?  How can anyone reasonably accept being “infected” with full-blown untreated AIDS via immune system decimating “chemo” cancer drugs which themselves also cause cancer as a treatment for anything, especially something so (allegedly) trivial as Crohn’s disease?  The seriousness of Crohn’s is consistently downplayed by everyone who refuses to accept that it’s a terminal illness if you can’t eat you die, but the fact remains that no matter how sadistic our Big Pharma overlords really are, and it’s a lot, the benefit of the treatment still has to outweigh the risks at least on paper.  And the only way I can imagine that AIDS and cancer are better to have than Crohn’s is that Crohn’s is worse.  More relentlessly painful.  More predictably and profoundly disabling.  More likely to result in imminent death.  And everyone, and I mean everyone is lying about that.

I blame Big Pharma with its fictional Crohn’s drugs commercials that show (for example) a perfectly healthy actor in no distress whatsoever resting one hand on the waistband of his flat-front Dockers suggesting virtually nothing about what Crohn’s disease really entails (it’s not just about having unpredictable “bathroom visits” but it often includes that).  Also, in this culture, “the bathroom” is the final phase of eating.  Duh.  Read between the lines here people.  Eating is not comprised solely of chewing and swallowing (although some Crohn’s patients can’t even do that much).  If you can’t process food you will die and Crohn’s patients cannot process food whether they barf it up, shit it out too soon and too unprocessed, fail to assimilate it even if they can keep it down and/or in, or if they give up and/or can’t “eat” it at all.  I’ve seen Crohn’s patients admit that they often chew up food for the taste/craving satisfaction and then spit it out without swallowing.  That’s not eating y’all.

No one accepts that Crohn’s disease is fatal but now that I’ve seen what I’ve seen, I kind of have to.  I was unable to eat for 2 entire years and I felt like I was dying; I once told a friend that I couldn’t imagine living that way for another 40 years (I was 40 at the time) and I had no idea how right I was about that.  It’s unimaginable in this case because it’s not possible; it is not possible to get out of a fatal disease alive and Crohn’s disease is a fatal disease.  I was, of course, dying.  It took someone like me to figure it out — a professional problem solver and someone used to looking at patriarchal insanity and making perfect sense of it — and even I almost missed it because I was so unbelievably sick and weak, so brainwashed by the propaganda and so insane from the pain and medication I was unable to research much of anything let alone to deeply analyze it.  I spent easily $100,000 and 4 entire years this March getting comfortable/well enough to even attempt to get my head around what was happening to me, to organize my thoughts and to write about it on this blog.  I’ve written about it extensively for almost a year now and I just came to this conclusion a couple of days ago as what seems to me a natural progression of this research, these discussions and this work.  Crohn’s is fatal, I have a terminal disease, and now I get to come to terms with that.

I won’t comment on whether other autoimmune diseases are similarly fatal where patients are also prescribed the same immunity-decimating drugs that cause (essentially) AIDS, diabetes and cancer because I don’t know enough about them, but I think there is plenty that suggests that they are.  Why is letting a doctor give you AIDS better than living with untreated MS, RA and all the other autoimmune diseases that are routinely treated with chemo and biologics that leave the patient without an immune system and who is it better for, seem like questions worth asking.  In the case of Crohn’s, there is at least a chance (allegedly and on paper) that the patient will temporarily be able to eat again; and I think untreated (and treated) MS eventually stops your breathing but I’m not sure.

But why is Crohn’s specifically so downplayed when it is so gravely serious, why are Crohn’s patients specifically expected to continue working and recreating as if nothing is wrong when they are literally fucking dying and have to medicate successfully in order to eat?  Why in this case specifically will no one call a spade a spade and admit that it’s a terminal illness/fatal disease when it pretty obviously is one?   That’s what I’m thinking about now.

Please feel free to leave comments below.

#crohn's disease #capitalistic patriarchical medicine #alternative treatments #chronic illness #advertising #medicine #Healthcare #doctor who #drugs #dying

[hookedonapirate]

To Play the Game (and win your heart)

Summary: Some people would call it a job, but to Emma and her sister, Milah, it’s a game of the heart. Play by the rules and you’ll never get hurt.

Whatever you call swindling wealthy men out of their money, this con-artist duo has it down to a tee. Milah sets up an available, rich man and gets him to marry her. Emma seduces and lures the husband into having an affair so he’ll get caught in the act. He then loses his money in the ensuing divorce.

The sisters wear a coat of armor around their hearts to keep them intact, but when they set their sights on their next mark, professional golfer Killian “Hook” Jones, Emma never imagined how hard the game could be and how easily her heart could be stolen—especially when she switches roles with Milah and becomes the one exchanging vows with the gorgeous multi-millionaire. Heartbreakers AU.

Artwork by: @distant-rose

Rating: Mature for connivery, vixen behavior and sexual themes.

Content Warnings: This story deals with conning and manipulation and also mentions/includes children with various disabilities, and also .

Author’s Notes: Thank you @captainswanbigbang​​​ and all of the moderators for organizing the event and for all of your help throughout the process.

A huge shout out goes to @ilovemesomekillianjones​​​ for all of her help with this fic. She really kicked some butt while beta reading, and if not for her, this story would not be what it is.

Thank you @distant-rose​​ for stepping in as my artist. She is so talented and I can’t wait for everyone to see all of the art she has planned for this fic. She even made me a playlist for this story including Emma’s and Milah’s theme song, Homewrecker by Marina and the Diamonds, and some other great tracks that fit well with the theme of the fic.

Thank you @onceuponaprincessworld​​​ for all of her feedback and for her constant support and for letting me bounce ideas off of her during the process. Thank you @teamhook​​​ for her help and ideas with scenes I was struggling with.

There are 12 chapters, and I will be posting every Tuesday, so let me know if you would like to be tagged.

Ch 1 Ch 2 Ch 3 Ch 4 Ch 5 Ch 6

Also available on: AO3 FFnet

Artwork by @distant-rose

Ch 1 Art Ch 3 Art Ch 4 Art Ch 7 Art

Chapter 7: Holding the High Card

~Rule #7: Keep him at bay. On your first date, don’t wear anything too revealing, remain interested yet aloof and never give him more than a peck on the cheek; leave him begging for more. A little mystery drives a man wild.~

“You came home late last night.” Milah folds her arms, scolding her sister as Emma joins her at the breakfast table, clutching a hot cup of coffee.

There’s a drowsy smile on her face as she takes a slow sip of the hot beverage, but apparently Milah is intent on ruining the moment by treating her like a two year old child. She’s staring at Emma with those stern mom eyes, raising a brow. “You didn’t sleep with him, did you? Because you know that is strictly against the—”

“No, of course not!” Emma cries out, defensively. “We were dancing and eating dinner at the country club, that’s all.”

Milah’s expression changes into something more relaxed. “So things are going well, then?” she asks before sipping her orange juice.

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. I helped with the kids during the tournament and then I entered the date auction to make Hook jealous.”

“And it worked, no doubt?”

Emma nods her reassurance. “Like a charm. One of Hook’s rivals bid on me and almost won before Hook stepped in and completely outbid him.”

To Emma’s relief, Milah smiles with pride. “That’s great, Em.”

Emma unveils more details of last night as Milah constantly questions her decisions.

“You told him you’ve never worked with kids?!”

“What did you say after David questioned your motives?”

“Do we have to worry about this Nolan guy?”

Emma answers the best she can, hoping to ease her sister’s worries. “These people are nice and friendly, and they only care about Hook, but they know they can trust me.”

Milah crosses her arms, furrowing her brows. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. David and I were best friends by the end of the night.”

“Okay, good,” Milah sighs in relief. “So, what’s next?”

“Well, Hook asked me out on a date—a real date—and I said yes this time.”

Milah nods in approval. “And do you know where to?”

“All I know is he wants me to meet him at the Marina.”

“Oooh, so he’s taking you out on his yacht? How romantic,” Milah beams, her eyes dancing with excitement.

“Oh,” Emma utters, feeling stupid. She doesn’t know why on earth she hadn’t thought of that sooner. “Yeah, I suppose he is. He’s taking me tonight before he leaves for Ohio tomorrow.”

“That’s a good sign. He wants to see you before he leaves. Don’t forget—only a kiss on the cheek to—”

“To keep him wanting more, I know,” Emma finishes, rolling her eyes. “This isn’t my first rodeo.”

“True, but you’re used to watching the action from the stands. This is your first time riding the bull,” Milah reminds her, “but not literally, of course…” she warns sternly, pointing at her, and Emma blushes at the thought of riding Killian, and—no! She can not think about that… as much fun as Emma knows it would be. She shakes her head, closing her eyes briefly to rid the thoughts. “So, do you know what you’re wearing?” Milah asks, her eyes once again buzzing with excitement.

Emma laughs at her sister’s enthusiasm. “No, not yet.”

“That’s okay, we are going shopping,” Milah chants, clapping her hands.

$*$*$

Emma is cursing herself when she pulls up at the marina as the last traces of daylight make way for the warm, evening air. Her stomach is swarming and tightening with knots, and she inhales a deep breath when she gets out of the vehicle. Her hands are shaking as she tries to hold onto the small clutch in her hand. Why hadn’t she just listened to her sister?

Emma had enjoyed their shopping trip outside of Palm Beach and she had picked out a dress they were both sure would blow Killian away (without looking like a cheap hooker), but Milah had absolutely insisted she not shave her legs.

If you feel like a hairy gorilla you won’t even be tempted to have sex with Hook, Milah had stated while she was pinning up Emma’s hair.

She still can’t understand why Milah was so worried, especially when Emma is only allowed to kiss him on the cheek, for the first date anyway. So, of course, Emma hadn’t listened and she ended up shaving because she’d feel too icky with hairy legs. Plus, the dress is long—it’s a casual, yet formal off the shoulder white and pink floral dress—but it has a high slit, and Emma hates wearing panty hose. So even with sex off the table, there’s still the chance of Killian placing a hand on her knee, and she doesn’t want to take the risk of assuming he would absolutely not be going near her bare legs.

“You didn’t shave your legs, right?” Milah questions, planting her hands on her hips and offering her stern, mom glare as Emma pulls on her black high heels. Her lips are coated in red liquid lipstick per Milah’s request, to ensure Emma won’t be tempted to kiss him (unless she wants it to look like she vampired her date), her dress displays some skin without showing too much, and she’s wearing a pair of cute thongs with penguins on them, a pair she would never want a potential lover to see, but there is no way in hell she is going on this date with unshaven legs. “No, of course I didn’t,” she fibs. Once she gets the stilettos on, Milah hands Emma her shawl and clutch. “Good, because we wouldn’t want you to even be tempted to engage in anything more than a kiss on the cheek.“ Emma sighs and rolls her eyes, tilting her head. “You wanna feel up my legs for proof? While you’re at it you can frisk me too, to make sure I’m not wearing sexy lingerie under the dress instead of granny panties.” Milah flashes a sarcastic smirk, throwing the shawl around Emma’s shoulders and securing it in place. “That’s okay, I’ll take your word for it.” Emma shrugs. “Probably a good thing,” she begins, gracing her sister with a devilish smirk as she grabs her keys from the small end table next to the sofa, “cause I’m not wearing anything under the dress.” Milah throws her a deadly stare, tightening her jaw, and Emma laughs and shakes her head. “I’m messing with you, jeez.” She turns around, opening the door as she looks back at Milah. “I’m wearing a garter belt, so Hook at least has something to pull off of me,” she teases, clutching onto the knob as she starts to step out of the apartment, but not without casually adding, “or to leave on and grab onto—whichever he prefers.” With that, Emma moves quickly, shutting the door behind her before Milah has a chance to throw something at her.

As soon as Emma sees him, she immediately regrets her decision. This man is hot and dripping with sex, it’s really unfair. He’s wearing a burgundy waistcoat and a black shirt, exposing a provocative amount of chest hair, and a pair of black dress pants. His hair is artfully mused, and Emma’s thinking about all the things she wants to do to him. His thick, dark hair would be great for pulling, his bottom lip looks soft enough to kiss and bite, that vest looks somewhat difficult to get off (but possible), and those pants would look even better dropped around his ankles.

Her musings are quickly interrupted when he approaches, and her eyes snap to his face, catching the smoldering smirk plastered on his lips. He lifts a brow, his eyes spanning up and down her body at least three times, taking in everything she’s offering him without shame. She’s glad she’s not the only one appreciating the view in front of them.

“You look absolutely ravishing, Emma,” he says sincerely, taking her hand and placing a prolonged kiss to her skin.

Emma melts at the contact; his lips feel as soft as they look, and she’s reconsidering the possibility of him seeing her penguin panties. “And you look very handsome.” Emma blushes, feeling the tingling sensation still lingering on the spot he’d kissed; her entire body is alight from the warmness of his lips.

“Thank you, love.” Killian’s smiling shyly as he moves his other hand from behind his back, presenting her with a bouquet of freshly cut pink, purple and white roses.

Emma graces him with a soft smile and takes the flowers. “Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome, love,” he murmurs, offering a wink and his arm. “Our table’s waiting for us. Shall we?”

Emma wraps her fingers around his arm and lets him lead the way towards the pier as she lifts the roses to her nose, smelling them appreciatively. “The roses are beautiful.”

“Aye, they are, but they don’t hold a candle to you.”

Emma laughs. “Do you always use that line on women you date?”

“Are you implying that we’re dating now?” Killian asks with a subtle smirk as those damn blue eyes sparkle in the moonlight.

“There you go again, avoiding an answer by replying to my question with another question,” Emma teases, rolling her eyes.

Killian shrugs casually, “And there you go again, pointing out my quirks just to avoid answering my questions.”

“Well, we could go at this all night, so I will answer your question—I thought the agreement was if dating is still not my thing by the end of the night, I don’t have to go on another one with you.”

“I don’t recall using those words exactly. I said I wouldn’t ask you again,” he clarifies with a flirty lift of his brow. “Doesn’t mean you can’t still ask me.”

Emma laughs, her cheeks flushing with red. “You are nothing if not persistent.”

“That I am,” he agrees proudly.

Emma shakes her head and can’t stop the blossoming smile from gracing her lips. “I’ll tell you what, if you play your cards right, the possibilities are endless,” she promises, running her free hand over his chest.

“Fair enough,” he chuckles, his cheeks painted with blush.

As they near the water, Emma’s pretty certain they’ll be going into one of the restaurants around the area because as her eyes fall over the variety of moored boats and yachts, his is nowhere to be seen.

“Here’s our table.”

Apparently she’s not looking in the right direction because when she lifts her gaze, following his line of sight, her eyes land on his yacht.

Her mouth falls open in awe as she watches the majestic vessel glide across the water. She’s seen it before in broad daylight, but she hasn’t seen it at night all lit up, blue lights from the bottom of the boat illuminating the surface of the water.

“This is where we’ll be eating?”

“Aye, just the two of us.”

They step aboard when the yacht reaches the dock, and Killian leads her to the cockpit where there’s a dark haired man at the controls. “Emma, this is Smee. He will be navigating the yacht this evening.”

“Nice to meet you, m'lady,” he greets politely, his voice big and hearty as he shakes her hand. He’s even dressed in a white Naval uniform, and Emma can’t help the big smile blooming over her lips.

“You too.”

Killian gives her a tour of the yacht, the place he uses as an escape from everything else, and when they step onto the deck, there’s a romantic table set for two, lit candles, champagne and a string quartet playing violins. It reminds her of the ballroom, but this is a much more intimate setting and there are far less people.

“This is like our own personal cruise,” Emma remarks as Killian pulls out a chair for her.

“You could say that. But no worries, we’ll be back before the evening’s over.”

Emma takes the offered seat as he sits across from her. “You mean you’re not going to kidnap me and steal me away?” she teases playfully.

Killian lifts a quirky brow, smirking at her. “Don’t tempt me, darling. The idea of keeping you all to myself is quite appealing.”

A pleasant shiver skates down her spine under his burning stare as he grabs the champagne bottle. Emma has a feeling that going away with him wouldn’t be the worst idea ever.

“Would you like some champagne, love?”

Emma thinks about the question, knowing if Milah were there looking over her shoulder, she’d be telling her no, and that alcohol inhibits one’s ability to make good decisions. Last night was different because they were in a room full of people, but now they’re on the ocean with only a few others on board who are most likely being paid to give them privacy. But Emma decides she wants the evening to play out it’s natural course. “Sure, I’ll take some.”

Killian pours them both some of the bubbly liquid and lifts the covers from the platters of food, which he tells her he made himself. It’s seafood, which Emma has never really tried before, but once she tastes the shrimp and parmesan crusted Tilapia, she easily decides it’s delicious.

“I can’t believe you’ve never had fish before, love.”

Emma shrugs. “Well, I grew up in foster homes, so if I wanted fish, I had to catch it from the creek, gut it and cook it myself. And it certainly would not have tasted anything like this,” Emma states, taking another bite. The texture is soft and practically melts on her tongue.

Killian’s eyes flicker with guilt, his features falling in regret, and Emma swallows her food down quickly. Why did she have to bring up her dreary childhood?

“I hope you don’t mind all this. I just wanted to…” He pauses and she looks into his eyes, trying to read what he is thinking. “I’m not the type of person who likes to rub their wealth in other’s faces, I just wanted you to have a special evening.”

Emma takes his hand from over the table, soothing his knuckles with her thumb to ease his worries. “I didn’t think that at all about you. This is very special. No guy’s ever went all out for me before.” She really should not be surprised her first date with Killian is an enchanting one, if the previous evening was any indication. “If I could have dreamt up the perfect first date, this is better—way better—so thank you.”

“You’re very welcome.” Killian offers a small smile and brings her hand to his lips, pressing a kiss to her knuckles.

They change the subject and finish the rest of their dinner before moving on to dessert, talking and laughing under the stars.

Taking their champagne glasses with them, they eventually move to the patio sofa, gazing out across the ocean, and watching the flecks of white reflecting over the vast waters.

“I’m sorry if I dampened the mood earlier, talking about my depressing childhood,” Emma apologizes as he wraps an arm around her shoulder. “I’ve never done this whole dating thing before, so I’m not very good at it.”

“You’re better than you think, love,” he assures, reaching over to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

Emma gives him a feeble smile, but she’s still doubtful.

“If it makes you feel better, I don’t do this very often, so I don’t have much to compare it to.”

Emma lifts a brow, surprised by this. “You don’t go on a lot of dates?”

Killian shakes his head, looking down. “No, in fact I’ve never taken a woman on my yacht before.”

At that she has to laugh. “You’re joking, right?”

He lifts his eyes again, the intensity of his stare stealing her breath away. “Afraid not, love. I travel a lot, and when I am here in Palm Beach, the relationships I’ve been in have been short-lived.”

Emma takes a sip of her champagne, mulling on that thought for a moment. If those women left shortly after the relationship began, then they must have been scared off somehow. “Let me guess, David always weeds them out with his big brother speeches?”

Killian lets out a small laugh, nodding his head. “Some of them, but I’m normally good at judging if a woman is after me for my money… or if they’re only after me.”

Emma gulps thickly, wondering if he’s ever suspected her of this since they’ve met. “Have any of them been the latter?”

Killian’s stare pierces directly into her soul, and Emma can see the answer buried in his deep blues. She can see the pain he keeps hidden there, and it makes her heart ache. “No, they haven’t.” Killian takes her hand in his, resting both over her crossed leg. “Not until now.”

Emma’s heart flutters… at first. She can’t believe this man has poured so much trust into her already. She can’t believe someone like him actually likes her this much. She can’t believe any woman would not want the entire package that is Killian Jones. She can’t believe this man, this perfect man who is sweet and generous and rich—oh yeah, she can believe he would attract women who are only after his money, because she is one of them. Emma’s heart tightens. How can she do this to such a wonderful man? “I don’t know about that,” she mumbles quietly, her eyes dropping to their joined hands.

“What do you mean?” he inquires, soothing her thumb with the pad of his.

She looks up at him, a smile curving her lips. “I mean… there are many qualities about you to appreciate. You’re generous, you’re great with kids, you’re kind and you have a huge heart. You also know how to dance,” she adds with a laugh. “Is there anyone more perfect than you?”

Killian blushes, scratching behind his ear. “I wouldn’t say I’m perfect. Having a huge heart is not always a good thing.”

Her features fall at the sadness in his tone. “How so?”

“Because, I often leave my heart on my sleeve. Everything I do, I put my whole heart into. I don’t do things half-ass, if you couldn’t already sense that,” he chuckles.

Emma squeezes his hand, offering a frail smile. “Sounds like a good way to get your heart broken.”

“Aye, it is. So, I have to protect myself somehow, which usually means a lot of lonely nights.”

“Believe me, if there’s anyone who knows how to protect their heart, it’s me.”

Killian’s eyes flash with comprehension. “That’s why you’ve never been on a single date, then?”

Emma nods, her voice cracked as she answers, “Can’t get your heart broken if you keep it locked away.”

His eyes widen in surprise, and Emma thinks she may have given away too much. “But you’re taking a risk with me?”

She shrugs and removes her hand from his grasp, placing a palm on his arm. “What can I say, I’m an avid lover of poker who enjoys a little game of risk.”

“Really?” Killian asks with intrigue, lifting a brow.

Emma laughs. “Yes, and besides, you’re taking a risk with me. Why not take it together?”

The pools of his blue irises soften under Emma’s gaze as he offers a smile that makes her heart melt. “I can’t say I’ve ever played poker before, but I do like that idea, love.”

Emma’s smile dims, her features growing more serious. “I’ve spent my entire life running away, I’ve always been just an orphan wandering the planet with no place to call home, so maybe it’s time I changed that.”

Killian leans in caressing her cheek, his voice weak as he speaks. “I know what you mean. I’ve spent my entire life traveling, and it’s been far too long since I’ve actually had a home.”

“I don’t know, I think you’ve already found your home.”

Studying her eyes carefully, he lifts a brow, trying to discern what she’s saying. “You mean here in Palm Beach? I’m not sure about that. I’m not even here very much.”

“No, not Palm Beach. Home is not always a place. Being home is being with the people you love, and you have that wherever you go—Mary Margaret, David, Robin, Regina, Henry…”

“And what about you? Do you have a person to call home?”

Of course Emma’s answer is yes. Her sister is and always will be her home, but she can’t tell Killian that, as much as she wishes she could. “No, I don’t.”

Killian’s eyes fall to her lips, and he leans in slowly, placing his finger under her chin, his thumb grazing her jaw. “Well, then you’re right. Perhaps we can do something about that.”

Emma longs to feel his lips on hers, and she knows she shouldn’t kiss him, but God she wants to. Kilian moves in, and she’s glad the string quartet had left the deck after dinner. He pauses, making sure she wants this too, so she closes the rest of the distance between them and goes after his lips.

An abrupt screeching sound from across the water makes Emma gasp, and the big boom and colors erupting into the sky make her jump.

They both look towards the source of the interruption, watching the fireworks shoot up into the sky and explode, lighting up the black night.

“Come on, love.” He stands up, grabs her hand and leads her to the railing. Emma trails behind him, keeping her eyes on the display across the water. She lets go of his hand and stands in front of him, her elbows leaning on the rail, her gaze focused on the fireworks.

Wondering how the night could possibly get better than this, she feels the touch of his hand gliding up her arm, leaving goosebumps in his wake. She feels his breath on her skin as he whispers in her ear, “You cold, love?”

Emma smiles with devilry, nuzzling her head against his lips. “What if I am?”

Killian chuckles against her, his voice sending a pleasant shiver down her spine as he takes her hands, threading his fingers through Emma’s and encircling her in his arms. “Do you always use this tactic to get men to wrap their arms around you?”

Emitting a small laugh, she closes her eyes and sighs in content, enjoying his warm embrace. “So what if I do? It worked, didn’t it?”

“Like a charm.” Killian’s voice is smooth as silk, sending vibrations through her body.

“Actually, I’ve never really craved having a man’s arms around me before,” she admits, loud enough for him to hear over the fireworks.

“Never?”

She shakes her head. “Never.”

“And what changed?”

Emma leans her head back, angling her face towards him and murmuring softly in his ear, “I met you.”

She hears his breath catch and faces the ocean again as he tightens his hold around her, pressing his lips against her lobe. As much as she’s not supposed to allow him to effect her like this, Emma is overtaken with warmth from such a small affection, and she has to bite her bottom lip to refrain from making any sounds of pleasure.

When he turns his head, the stubble on his jaw scrapes against her skin, and immediately she feels the loss of his lips. She tries to focus on the fireworks, but his warm body pressed to her back and his strong arms wrapped around her frame inhibits her ability to think clearly. The heat is surging between them, but it has nothing to do with the warmth of the summer air.

Emma tries to adjust her focus on the game plan, but instead she can’t concentrate on anything but Killian’s hands entwined in hers, and the way his chest moves against her back with every shaky breath he takes. Emma leans her head back again and places a kiss on his cheek. She can feel him quiver against her body, the smell of his skin overwhelming her senses. Another round of fireworks screech above the water, and Emma decides to throw her promise to Milah overboard.

She reaches behind his head, sliding her fingers through his hair and bringing his lips to hers.

Given their recent luck, she’s half expecting to get interrupted, but instead, she’s finally feeling those delicate, soft lips on hers as he parts his mouth, responding to her advances. He tastes even better than she’d imagined, and she can’t bring herself to pull away. Sliding her tongue into his mouth and tasting the sweetness of his, she tugs on his hair to press him closer.

Once he lets a little groan tear from his throat, Emma is officially a goner. She spins around in his arms, cupping his cheeks in her hands as the kiss rapidly becomes heated, both of them breathing each other in. Killian’s hands are soon all over her back, and everything Emma keeps tamed inside her—emotions, desire, the way she has genuinely grown to care about him—erupts to the surface.

The fireworks are long forgotten.

Emma moans as he presses her against the railing, and rips his lips away, the prickly stubble around his mouth dragging across her skin as he leaves an assault of kisses in his wake, causing her head to spin. Making a trail across her jaw, he reaches her ear, speaking in a low, husky voice, “Do you trust me, Swan?”

Emma’s not sure exactly what he means by that—does she trust him not to take things too far? Or does she trust him not to break her heart? She’s not really sure, but she nods her head anyway.

Emma gasps in surprise when he lifts her up and sits her on the railing. He urges her knees apart and moves in, pulling her legs around his waist, his lips crashing into hers. Now she understands what he’d meant, because he has to hold her securely in his arms to keep her from falling off the railing and into the dark waters. And now she’s glad she’d shaved her legs.

Their bodies move instinctively, his groin pressing against her center as they eagerly devour each other. Despite the fireworks still going off behind her, their muffled moans, heavy breathing and the sounds of their lips smacking together are all they can hear.

Emma releases his lips and buries her face in the crook of his neck, leaving seductive kisses down the column of his throat. He dips his head back to allow her more access as she clutches onto him tightly, but it’s not because she’s afraid of falling. She’s wanted this man since the moment she’d laid eyes on him.

“Love, we shouldn't…” His slurred words are completely wrecked as she pulls back, struggling to catch her breath. “We should stop.”

She nods in agreement, licking her lips to savor the taste of him. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—”

Killian offers a lazy smirk. “Please, don’t apologize. That was uh…” Killian stammers, scratching behind his ear.

Emma laughs when she sees the red lipstick on his mouth and wipes it off with her thumb. The possibility of her makeup rubbing off on him had completely escaped her after dinner, even though she knew the lipstick choice wasn’t made to last through everything.

“If we continue any further we might end up making fireworks of our own.”

Sharing a laugh, both are blushing profusely as Killian helps her down from the railing.

“If I’m being honest, I really like you, Emma,” he admits earnestly, and his words crack as he gazes into her eyes, “and I don’t want to screw this up by taking things way too fast.”

Emma stares back at him, and cups his cheeks in her hands, whispering into his ear, “I like you too.”

Killian smiles, caressing her cheek. She turns around in his arms after a moment and they watch the remainder of the fireworks display. They spend the rest of the evening dancing as he tells her about the upcoming tour, both of them deciding it’s best not to tempt fate by kissing again.

The night ends far too soon, and once the boat reaches the marina, Killian wraps Emma’s shawl around her shoulders and grabs her clutch and bouquet of roses, handing them over to her after Emma insists she can carry them herself.

Smee emerges from the cockpit as they’re about to leave, and his cheeks fill with blush when he looks at Killian. “Uh, Captain, you have uh…” he stammers, gesturing to his neck.

Their faces fall in confusion as she looks at Killian to see what Smee is referring to.

“What is it, love?”

“We seem to have missed a spot. There’s still some lipstick on your neck,” she laughs and pulls out a tissue from her purse. Taking his jaw in her hand, she wipes his neck clean, his breath hitching at her touch and their eyes connecting intensely.

“You both enjoyed the evening, I take it?” the man remarks with a smirk.

“We did, indeed,” Killian blushes and smiles as she gets off any of the remaining red and tears her eyes away from him to tuck the tissue back into her purse. “I’ll be escorting Emma to her car now. Could you—”

“No, worries. I’ll take care of the Jolly and tuck her in,” he reassures with a wink and a friendly pat on Killian’s shoulder.

“Thank you, Smee. You’re the best.”

“No problem. Have a good night, Miss Swan. It was nice meeting you.”

“You too. Goodnight.”

Killian and Emma leave the yacht and walk to her car, their hands entwined as she takes stock of the evening. She can’t remember ever having as much fun as she did tonight, and she’s sad he is leaving tomorrow.

“So, what do you think, love? Would you be willing to give dating a try? With me of course,” he adds with a small laugh when they reach her vehicle.

Pursing her lips in contemplation, she steps closer to him, fluttering her lashes flirtatiously and tilting her head. “I suppose I could. I had a really nice time tonight.”

“I’m glad… because I was hoping…” Killian begins softly as he takes her free hand in his. He opens his mouth to finish his sentence, but appears to be hesitant to continue.

“You were hoping what?” she questions a bit nervously, her words laced with concern.

Killian’s lips twitch into a small smile and he says simply, “Come with me.”

Her eyebrows weave, displaying her confusion. “What?”

“Tomorrow, when I leave for Ohio… I want you to come with me.”

Emma’s mouth falls open; she’s not sure what to say to that. They’ve made a lot of progress so far, but she doesn’t want to ruin anything by going with him just yet. It’s far too soon in the game. Besides, Milah would never allow it. Emma had already gone too far by kissing him, and she knows she’ll receive the wrath from Milah as it is. “But… what happened to taking things slowly?”

“Emma, I’m not proposing marriage, I’m just asking you to accompany me on the tour. You’ll have your own hotel suite and you won’t have to worry about the expenses. I’ll make sure you have everything you need for the trip. I just… I would very much like your company and I’m not sure when I will see you again otherwise.”

Emma gulps thickly. She had anticipated going with him, just not this soon and not without any type of notice. “I… I’m sorry, I just… I have obligations here,” she manages. “I have my job, I can’t just up and leave.”

Killian’s features fall slightly, his eyes flickering with disappointment as he offers a weak smile. “Of course, love. I understand. It was a shot in the dark, but I had to take it.”

Emma offers a reassuring grin, reaching a hand to caress his jaw. “It’s okay. I will miss you when you’re gone though.” She extends her hand to him, adding, “Let me see your phone.”

Killian quickly reaches into the pocket of his jacket and pulls out his phone, handing it over.

Quickly keying in her number, she adds it to his contact list. “There, now you have my number. Will you call me?”

Killian nods as Emma hands his phone back. “Of course I will.”

She leans in, capturing his lips and luring him in for a deep kiss. One of his hands curl around her hip, the other sliding through her hair, and their lips and tongues move slowly, memorizing the feel and texture of one another, making the moment last before having to break apart.

Killian groans in content, he bites her bottom lip and slowly releases it, pulling away and resting his forehead on hers. She licks her lips, clutching onto the lapels of his jacket, whispering breathlessly, “Goodbye, Killian. And good luck.”

Killian smiles, his blue eyes glittering under the moonlight as he caresses her cheek with his thumb. “Thank you, love. Goodnight.”

She reluctantly lets him go and gets in her car when he pulls the door open for her. But before he closes it, he hunches over slightly to catch her gaze, a trace of hope lingering in his eyes. “If you change your mind, takeoff from the airport is at 8 a.m. tomorrow. I’ll text you the address just in case, and I’ll wait for you at the terminal.”

Emma offers a soft smile and nods as he shuts the door. They wave at one another as she drives away, and a strange feeling courses through her body. She feels as light as a feather, her lips still tingling and her body buzzing with nerves and excitement. But she’s also feeling guilty, and her heart is swelling inside her chest; she really doesnt know what to do with all these emotions. She does know one thing for sure; for the first time since she and Milah had started conning, Emma doesn’t want the mark to get hurt. She doesn’t want him to suffer any more than he already has. For the first time in her life, she is falling for her mark.

Crap. She’s totally fucked!

#cs ff #heartbreakers au #csbb #captain swan #how to play the game (and in your heart) #my fic

[witchofleviathan-blog]

Master List Witchcraft Servers Pt. 2

Crystals & Cauldrons  A server to help out new witches and just for witchcraft and magic in general! (We are LGBT+ friendly and don't allow discrimination of any kind!) We also have: free readings, taggable roles when you need help, and a respectful community of witches! https://discordapp.com/invite/FtTxn9h Home Of Witches & Love  A Friendly Safe haven that allows newcomers to learn about the craft. https://discordapp.com/invite/DKkw6RZ Witches on Tumblr  Salutations! So following the mass extermination on Tumblr, I decided t would be a good idea to create a server dedicated to the witches of Tumblr. Of course you don't need to be from Tumblr to enjoy it, I do plan on changing the name of this server later on. Anyways. This server is pretty laidback as far as rules go, just please don't do anything illegal, thanks. - Avery https://discordapp.com/invite/7bpa7ku Academy of Witchcraft  Hey! We're a server for anyone interested in paganism and witchcraft or those who are studying and/or practicing it. Anyone is welcome to join and we'd love to have absolutely anyone come in to share their beliefs, views, paths, opinions, etc. This is a brand new server so we're rough around the edges. But feel free to come on in and leave any tips and suggestions. We hope you can take the time to check us out! https://discordapp.com/invite/dFjaSBb Witchcraft  If you are a witch or you have an interest for witchcraft, this discord server is a place where we share our knowledge with each other, helping anyone who has an interest. We have an organised system where everyone can choose which channels they want to see, so its less overwhelming. All paths are welcomed and not focusing on any specific path. Also we don’t have “teacher/mentor” system or any rank system, everyone is equal and its simple as that. If you have social anxiety or if you just feel shy, dont feel awkard or anything cause many of us also suffer from those and no one going to judge you or anything. You can just click the link and jump in, or DM me if you have any questions! If you dont know about discord, its a free chat app such as whatsapp, viber, line-mainly for gamers, but such an organised platform to communicate and you don’t need to share any personal info to create an account. Hope to see you there! https://discordapp.com/invite/mGas6wd Witch Trade & Academy  A Witchcraft server for the new witches and for witches trying to sell! A small but growing economy of witches to teach others, trade, and sell! Witches of all kinds accepted! --Religion is not taught as the craft itself is a flexible practice that does not need religion, in no way does religion play into this server so please feel free and be proud of your religion!!-- https://discordapp.com/invite/K7f5X2t Blue Moon Coven  This is a discord server for every witch! We welcome everyone in. Have fun discovering more about Witchcraft and different religions/deities. This server contains: - Non-witchy discussions  - Self-assignable roles - Classes  - PDFs about witchcraft  - We are lgbtqia+ friendly - And much more! https://discordapp.com/invite/VGUSHhE Blood Moon Coven  A witchy server for folks of various spiritualities. Leftist oriented and LGBTQ+ friendly. https://discordapp.com/invite/HhY266W The Spiritual Haven  The Spiritual Haven is a Discord server aimed to be a little place for everyone from all different types of spiritualities can hang out! - Lots and lots of self-roles for every religion and belief :) - Recommended 16+ - Events for various spiritual holidays! - LGBTQA+ friendly! - Astrology, divination, and tarot readers! https://discordapp.com/invite/ydeTWXH The Little Fairy House  We are a Witch/Wiccan/Pagan/Nordic group! We are open pretty much to anyone joining, we just ask you to follow our rules. Come check us out!!! https://discordapp.com/invite/Jgk2UcG Witchcraft Community  We are a fast growing community of Witches looking to learn and spread our knowledge Please note this is not a satanist server this is a Wiccan/Pagan server https://discordapp.com/invite/zCs56U6 Paths of the Craft  Welcome to your one stop informational Wiccan and Witchcraft server where we are primarily looking into the Old Pagan Religions (Traditional) and not modern ones. The information is obtained through a compilation of research from sites, apps, and books and placed in this organized manor for the start of your journey and beyond. https://discordapp.com/invite/3B8REz6 The Witching Willow  Welcome to the Witching Willow!   We are a witchcraft focused server for secular and all religious members that welcomes all ages, races, sexualities, genders, and all levels of knowledge in The Craft. We continuously strive to provide:  An active and friendly home Informational and discussion channels  Private channels for 18+ and lgbtq+  Server-wide events  A place to understand the perspective of various witch types in a structured, yet, fluid wholesome setting  Multi-layered verification process for new members to reduce interference from trolls. https://discordapp.com/invite/gjCnxPy The Witches Corner  The Witches Corner is a server used to connect to those who are like minded within the Craft or are wanting to learn about it. We have so much to offer and we are willing to work with you anytime. You make friends and maybe even family here. We are open to everyone. https://discordapp.com/invite/9edYNpq Broom Closet Witches  A community dedicated to the witches out there who are unable to shout about their craft. Broom Closet Witches is focused on teaching and growing our "coven" in a way that is beneficial to ourselves as individuals and as a community. https://discordapp.com/invite/aB8gJuc Physical Shifting/Otherkin Community  We are a community that tries to get the tagged communities to get along. Everyone is welcome as long as they aren't rude. Offers: -Tarot readings -witchcraft information -shifting information -guidance -sigil requests -etc https://discordapp.com/invite/nYTt5e8 Magick Sharing  not an rp server this server is for real witches and those wanting to know more about witch craft rn we are a small server so please be patient with any issues you find. https://discordapp.com/invite/6yKhQNF Young Witches Coven  The Young Witches’ Coven (YWC) is a coven for witches both male and female under the age of 20. You are free to still learn and be a student after age 20, but you can also become a mentor when 20 or older. We welcome people of all ages and religions, come join us! :D https://discordapp.com/invite/6NvjrSv Necromancer's Grave  A hub of necromantic knowledge and magical philosophy. https://discord.gg/2n7CgMX The Witches Vellichor  Description- Ve-llee-kor - ‘The feeling of walking into a used bookstore, of stories untold and memories clinging to unread pages of the books, spins cracked but not yet loved.’ It is the start of a journey - one told across time repeatedly - a journey of one's craft.This is a general witchcraft server where we host events/classes from an array of backgrounds! Those who  can join- Anybody 13+! https://discord.gg/spZT4XU Schola Magia Practicus  The Discord server especially for practicing magicians from all belief systems. https://discord.gg/hVwX9JG GhostOwl Keep  NOT A ROLEPLAY CHAT This is a server for learning and sharing what we know of magick and mythology. We can share pdfs, do readings (with permission), ask/answer questions with one another and otherwise help one another with research. LGBT+ folk are welcomed with open arms! https://discordapp.com/invite/UhdPg9s Witch NetWork Looking for a place to share your spells? Want some tips on creating sigils? Come down to Witch Network! We’re a small but positive community! Note: Must be 16+ https://discord.gg/NwFzfbK Flowers and Ash Practitioners of all paths and ages are welcome, but certain channels will be role-locked 18+. We are a disability, POC and LGBTQIA+ friendly server as our goal is to be a safe place for all of our members to hang out. Note: New members will have limited channel access until they leave an introduction and receive the @World tag. Upon joining you will have three (3) days to leave an introduction before you are kicked. https://discordapp.com/invite/6XRdRr8 Rosemary Hearth Coven We are the Rosemary Hearth Coven, an online coven for all witches regardless of their path, gender, age, or experience level! Although a very new server, we have a wonderful staff team and a policy of tolerance towards all paths of the Craft. Please feel free to join our family, and have a blessed day! https://discordapp.com/invite/wNQVhmj The Love Cauldron Hello everyone, the purpose of this server is to provide people who are spiritual, practice witchcraft and everyone in between a place to meet new friends or even form a parnership! So sit back, pour yourself a tankard of mead and let The Love Cauldron brew up some romance. https://discordapp.com/invite/SCKFgNp The Witching Hour Academy The Witching Hour Academy is a server for witches of all paths. All are welcome, both experienced and new. The server has monthly lessons taught by members of the community, and we’re always open to anyone who would like to teach! https://discordapp.com/invite/JjAmMZG Applewood Grove Applewood Grove is a community of witches and occultists who walk all paths of life, aimed towards practitioners aged 17+ https://discordapp.com/invite/y489FQX The Bat and the Butterfly A trans and nonbinary only server for witchcraft and the occult! it's all-ages, but we do have channels specifically for nsfw magic that you must be 18+ to get access to. come join us! https://discord.gg/kncwpeT Newmoon Coven Welcome to the Newmoon Coven :BlobBlob: Wicca and Witchcraft :BlobBlob: Tutorials and discussions :BlobBlob: Amazing new experiences! https://discord.gg/rmmaTgX Crimson Mage A place for those practicing witchcraft to share ideas and for me to share my experiences. Mages of all religions are welcome. https://discordapp.com/invite/RkAUGQN The Cottage An all-inclusive witchcraft community that caters to new and experienced witches alike! https://discordapp.com/invite/VpsvWV3 The Moon Sisters Hello lovelies!   I'm Kinara from xxMoon-Sistersxx! We have our very own discord server now! In our server we aim for a warm and welcoming witchcraft community! We strive to have a place for everyone and everything, from casual conversations to serious discussions. We currently have several channels for specific crafts , practices , religions and belief systems! We're currently in the works to begin a Witchcraft Study Group and fun server exclusive events!   We are open to suggestions and willing to adapt our server with the needs of our community to the best of our ability. We are still a small server but we strive to do our best! We hope to see you there! https://discord.gg/2yxzKB8 Lavender Broom Café  Is a place for wand waving, star gazing, and howling at the moon. Are you interested in magic? Maybe you’ve been practicing for years, or maybe you’re new to your craft.  Lavender Broom Café is a community welcoming all spiritualists and magic practitioners. Our community is friendly and supportive of each other as we work together to advance our crafts. Together we have created a collection of magical books, including a crystal guide, herbal toolkit, grimoire, and a cookbook. If your intuition has brought you here, come and say hello. This is a server for ages 18+ so expect mature discussion. https://discordapp.com/invite/xfJuuZf The Hidden Glade  Formerly The Sea Witches’ Cove, The Hidden Glade is an 18+ server for witches of all paths. We went through some changes recently, and during those realized that our community had expanded far beyond sea witchcraft, and wanted a new look that accommodated a wider range of practitioners. After all, the forest is big enough to house all kinds of paths, and we strive to be a place where people can forge their own, and be a welcoming haven for all to share their journey. Our server has -a friendly and welcoming community of over 150 members -a levelling system with rewards for reaching certain milestones -witchy and non witchy channels, including gaming, a space for spoonies, and optional nsfw channels (granted upon request after reaching level 5) -a safe space for lgbtqa+ members (¾ of the admin are, as well as a majority of the general members) So come check us out, and see if the Glade is right for you! https://discordapp.com/invite/KM73R6X THE INFORARIUM  A place of learning the occult and magickal arts! Our current featured topics are thought magick and astral travel. Join us for an adventure through time and space as we uncover the secrets of the the arcane and how science is a complement, not a threat, to the magickal arts. HELP WANTED: inquire within — we are also looking for experienced practitioners to become teachers for other aspects of the magickal arts. https://discordapp.com/invite/JJ4VnaH m y s t i c - m e a d o w ➸ 「A small community by witches, for witches!」 

 ➸ 「MysMea is the ideal hangout for people who believe in and/or practice:」 ✰ Occult ✰ Wicca ✰ Witchcraft ✰ Paganism ✰etc.

 ➸ 「Although this is an ideal place for these people and beliefs, we welcome others of all religions and beliefs as long as you're open-minded!」

 ➸ 「We welcome everyone regardless of race, gender, sexuality, or anything of the sort. <3」 

 ➸ 「We welcome you to join us! We're really small and would love to have you as a part of our sweet little community.」 https://discordapp.com/invite/Z2D8YAV ☆ The Kings Hubris ☆  A magick practitioner server for people of colour only, if you’re not poc this isn’t the server for you. Aimed towards anyone actively practicing, wishing to start practicing, or simply to learn more or talk to other poc about magic, witchcraft, or occult practices. ❀ mostly empty emoji slots and accepting submissions ❀ LGBTQIA+ friendly ❀ active staff ❀ nsfw channels ❀ a small, but growing library ❀ fun witchy bot ❀ self-assignable roles ♡ ♡ https://discordapp.com/invite/938wZdf The Order of The Self  We're The Order of The Self, a group of like-minded individuals who put the development of the self above all. We see our fellow members as our brother and sisters, which we respect and help move forward. Together we can achieve great things, and together we will achieve great things. Here you'll find your purpose. Here you'll find greatness. https://discordapp.com/invite/kJZZFe7

#witchcraft #witchblur