#ugh anyway maybe i’m just feeling this so hard right now bc i hung out with a dog all day yesterday

[tobi-momo]

A Comfortable First Date :)

@awmahleebakugou said:

okay so i’ve never asked before (god i hope your requests are open, i’m sorry if they’re not) but i found you just now and your writing gives me life. i hope i’m not missing any rules, but i wanted to req a kind of first date scenario (the date can be your choice but i’m thinking something out of their comfort zone that the reader kinda eases them into having fun and they actually end up having a good time) with bakugou, todoroki, and dabi. a fluff type thing with a fem reader. they don’t have to be all in one, they can be separate but i really wanted to see your take on this with bakugou. thanks for your time, and i hope you can do this req cuz i love your writing :)

a/n: dflhgdfjhgdfkjgh you make me malfunction omg- i jut started writing a couple weeks ago and to hear that you love my writing makes me smile so hard kfsdjgdfkjg omg ty <3 and, lucky for you, my requests are def open and feel free to come back any time! (if you do want to see my rules tho here’s a link: rules<3 (you didn’t req anything out of my comfort zone tho so dw )

Pairing(s): Bakugou x Reader, Todoroki x Reader, Dabi x Reader

Type: Headcanons

Genre: Fluff :)

Warnings: cursing, youre uncomfy for a lil- but it gets better- FLUFF SKDJGFJSD dabi’s is SO mf short im sorry skhgdlfg

A Comfortable First Date :)

Bakugou:

Man are you glad yall came with ya friends-

You were excited, but anxious. you have never been on a date before, let alone the one and only bakugou katsuki, so ya. you were nervous asf

On the ride, the radio played loudly while you rolled the window down and caught the warm breeze in your face, you were just wildin out in the car, making katsuki laugh in hopes of relieving some stress

when you arrive, it was a different story. there were so many people and the water was dark, and this is gonna be his first time seeing *this much of your body. Your nerves were not helping

“Yo, Y/n, you nervous or somethin’?” Calls Sero, averting your attention from the packed beach

“Uh, no, not at all,” you smile walking over to the trunk of the car, picking up towels

kirishima and mina walk together to find a spot, denki and sero leave you and katsuki alone and immediately start throwing the frisbee around

‘god this was so awkward’ you thought, although it really wasnt, it was just in your head

“Here, give those to me,” katsuki whispers as he takes the towels from your grasp, taking notice of the way you rub your fingers together, the way you keep looking at the ground

He can tell that youre unsure, but he knows that you wont be like this for long- i mean- its bakugou, right?

once yall get to your spot, kirishima and mina catch up to you guys, talking about whats more manly yall cant convince me they dont do this- im convinced mina teaches him how to drink his respect women juice although we know he drinks plenty

You dont even have time to realize katsukis arms around your things, picking you up and throwing you on his shoulders

You play smack his back, laughing and yelping at the same time while he runs towards the water

“kastUKI WHAT ARE YOU DOING??” all he can respond with is his laughter before he sets you down gently in the water

“What, you thought I was gonna throw you or somethin’?” he smirks

“Uh, YEAH? I DID! You scared the crap outta me, babe,” you laugh off, the water suddenly feeling a lot better than you thought it would

He’s still laughing, almost gripping his stomach while kirishima and mina join sero and denki with the frisbee

The face he makes when you splash water on him is-

hmmm

How do i say it

flabbergasted? no. thats a weird ass word. He was like that tho

His face was like 😂 > 😳 > 😶 > 😐 > 😑 > 😐 > 😏😈

yk? yk

He splashes back

hard

so skip to an hour later when you guys are tackling each other in the water holy shit this is soft i cant

yall are having a mf BLAST and yall ended up playing beach volleyball too- have yall seen the episode in avatar where azula, mai, ty lee, and zuko play beach volleyball?

ya basically that but yall actually have fun and its more playful- but yall DESTROY the other teams

you guys end up staying longer than expected and you sleep in the car on the way back with his hand on your thigh but shhh

Todoroki:

ok, this may be dif because i believe movie dates are awkward asFF and i just jfhfkg ugh yk

but anyways~

yall arrive to the theatre, buy your snacks and get your ticket ew ew ew ew

and you literally dont know what to do-

where do you sit? where do you put your hands? what do you do for the rest of the movie? all of these questions filled your head when you guys entered the room, it was empty

great.

You guys take your seats, the commercials starting while you guys start small talk

you and him make fun of the trailers while you guys are literally sitting down like 🧍🧍

So awkward even though yall are talking- like, who takes popcorn first, who gets to put their arm on the middle rest? just overcomplicating everything in your brain

until a skittle falls down your shirt sorry if you dont like skittles but cmon their skittles

coming out the bottom of your shirt, you pick it up, then look at shouto’s soft, playful smirk before he looks away like he didnt do anything

that cheeky bastard

so, you throw it back, knocking his head then falling down the seat to the ground 

he looks back at you with and incredulous expression- not a serious one, but a look of sarcastic surprised

when his hand grabs popcorn out of the bucket, your eyes widen and you quickly leap out of your seat, running out of the isle and up the stairs to the top row of seats, being chased by shouto, and eventually trapped in the corner before getting a face full of popcorn

“Shou!” you laugh out, and you can hear the faint sound of his giggles piercing through yours

Your hands are placed on his chest, and his have dropped down your forearms, holding you in place while you laugh into him

“What?”

“There’s popcorn in my hair now,”

“Oh,” he takes a gentle hand and takes the popcorn out of your hair, tossing it to the side

“This place is a mess now,” he adds

You just laugh it off, taking notice of the fact that the movie has already started

“Shou, the movie,” you point, him turning around to the big screen

“The movie’s boring”

“It’s barely started!” you chuckle

your voice was interrupted by more popcorn hitting your face, and Shouto holding the bucket

“You did not just do what i think you just did.”

“Maybe,”

“I’m gonna get you back for that!” you shout as he starts to walk back to your seat, you grab the box of candy and quickly open it, pouring everything on his head before rushing down the stairs to the other side of the room

lemme just say yall were kicked out PFT JSDHGFSDKJHF

ok but yall didnt care shsdlfsfg

you hung out more after that too, not wanting the day to end :)

Dabi: 

why 

on your first date

would you go

CLUBBING??

like- why??? 

when you arrived, you really do be FINE AS FUUUCKK and everyone is thirsting over you periodt get into it

and when you see him, his eyes widen, admiring your figure

you just smile bc you’ve never been to a club before and set your bag on the counter, taking a seat at the bar next to him

what do you do? are you supposed to order something orrrrrrr? are you supposed to talk? are you supposed to dance with him? like wtf

the most awkward feelings are making home in your stomach

just before you could rush off, his hand grabs yours, making your head whip up for your eyes to meet his, silently reassuring you

You smile before he stands up, and leads you to the dance floor, guiding you with your hips to the music

you place your hands on his shoulders, letting him sway you to the beat, before you turn yourself and dance on him, forgetting your problems

he smirks, running his fingertips down your back while you move your hips on him

after a couple drinks you guys were clicking, like really, really, really, clicking and you felt good

so did he, and he wanted to know you more, so after a couple more dances and drinks, yall were giddy and shi 😏

And yall decided it was time to get to know each other more😏😏😏

when you guys woke up with a hangover, you made him breakfast and yall talked ab everything under the stars omg yall are made for each other istg

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

thats it im sorry dabi’s is so short i just chugged rosé and im hanging out with friends be happy <3

taglist: @toosharkinternet @hitosushi @combat-wombatus @katsuhera @zerohawks

#bnha #bnha x reader #bnha fluff #bnha x y/n #bnha comfort #bnha scenarios #bnha imagines #bnha headcanons #bakugou #bakugou katsuki #bakugou x reader #bakugou headcanons #bakugou scenarios #bakugou fluff #bakugou x y/n #dabi #touya #todoroki touya #dabi x reader #dabi headcanons #dabi scenarios #dabi x y/n #todoroki #todoroki shouto #todoroki fluff #todoroki x reader #todoroki x y/n #todoroki scenarios #todoroki headcanons #momo<3

[binunus]

college bf!mj

a/n AH !!!! THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE ASTRO COMEBACK ???? APRIL 5TH ??? WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE LOVES !! i genuinely...do not know if I will be able to survive this month bc of them. 

(also i tried to get this posted on mj’s birthday but I’m so sorry a lot of shit happened and I had a ~bad mental breakdown~ and it’s just been rough out here but that’s a story for another time if any of you lovely beings wanna know hehe)

→ genre: fluff, smut

→ tw: mentions of cheating (in past relationships)

→ word count: 4.9k ____________________________________

KIM MYUNGJUN !!

A LIVING REINCARNATION OF THE SUN

this is gonna be so cute i just !! love him so much???

has his own apartment, but he honestly stays over all of the boys’ places so much that...he barely sleeps at his apt

major: vocal performance

his voice is literally honey

can probably sing higher than some sopranos in his major

so friendly, everyone who meets him loves him

mj just has a way of attracting people and making people comfortable around him

in short, he is – of course – the moodmaker

can turn anyone’s frown upside down

he’s down?? for like everything

an adventurous spontaneous type

has...probably failed a ged ed class once or twice before...

he’s not stupid okay! he just doesn’t really care about the classes that has no connection to his major

like will he ever apply calculus in singing? probably not

oh but professors can’t hate him, even if he just messes around during class

he’s just so kind and likeable

loves his boys aka astro

will literally do anything to make them smile, even if he’s had a rough day

as long as his boys are happy :’) he’s happy :’)

now how do you meet myungjun??

he’s in an acapella group on campus

he just has to be alright

he was the only freshman that got in during his first year

that shows how good he is :*

a tenor in the highly competitive co-ed group

spoiler alert, he convinces sanha to join, but that’s for college bf!sanha

myungjun is what me and my friends like to call: the solo whore

and it’s not bc he’s greedy for solos, he’s a real team player

his voice just happens to sound the best for most solos your group has??

you’re also in the acapella group

im not giving a voice part bc then that would put you in a binary category

so soprano, alto, tenor, baritone, bass, you pick love

anyway, you and myungjun were chosen to sing a duet for one of your competition pieces

and it was the key emotional piece so you and him had to be on your A games

you and myungjun were friends ofc, you had to be some sort of friends with everyone in your acapella group

but you never really hung out with him outside of rehearsal

well until you got this duet together

and you weren’t worried about it, mj was so fun and nice and an amazing singer, you had no doubt these extra practices with him would be a good time

and you were right! besides singing, you actually got a chance to get to know him and how goofy he really was

you’re pretty sure you always had an ab workout whenever you hung out with him bc of how much he made you laugh

about a month away from competition, you and myungjun were like best buds

literally a chaotic, iconic duo

the chemistry you two had during your duet was spectacular, your voices highlighted and bounced off each other very well

but! your leader had a little critique

“y/n, myungjun, that was great but...can you guys pretend to look...like in love? I get we’re all friends here, but if you can’t convey the emotion of the song in our performance, what’s the point? This goes for everyone, this is a song about how much you love your partner and would give them the world, we need to show that in our eyes and movements, even if you’re just singing ooh and woah for like 10 measures.”

you and myungjun decide to stay after rehearsal and practice the emotions you guess...

your leader had a point, good singing could only go so far

and for the first time, myunjun was a bit...? awkward??

you: alright so how are we gonna pretend to be madly in love with each other

he chuckles and shrugs: honestly I don’t know, look at me like I’m your boyfriend or something??

you: well, I hate my last boyfriend so that probably wouldn’t be a good idea

myungjun offering you a high-five: I hate...well I think I hate...my last partner too so at least we have that

you: how do you think you hate your last partner? are you not dating anyone right now?

he gives you a smile and like you notice it’s forced?? it’s not genuine or bright like the one he usually gives

mj: no I’m not dating anyone...my last relationship sorta traumatized me I guess. 

you: ...how did it traumatize you...? you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to myungjun

mj: ah *awkward laughter* well...I was sorta going through it my senior year of high school, stress from graduating and what to do with my life and all that shit, you know? I dated this person since my freshman year and I guess my mental health got the best of me during that time and they couldn’t handle it. We were planning on staying together throughout college and do long distance but I found out in the summer before starting college that they fucked my high school best friend behind my back...when I confronted them about it, the answer they gave me was that I was too down and preoccupied with my worries to notice about my partner’s needs...pretty fucked up right?

your jaw dropped, your eyes were bulging out at his story

you: myungjun what the fuck??? what college do they go to? I’ll pull up right now and beat their asses, I don’t know scream in their face or something! That’s fucked!

he’s laughing a little: thanks y/n, but it’s alright. You know, maybe I was too caught up in my own problems that I ended up neglecting my partner’s needs...I guess that’s why I’m always just trying to be carefree and fun now.

you: that doesn’t justify the fact that what they did to you was wrong. you should have never gone through that myungjun, it’s not your fault that you were going through it mentally, your partner should have been there to support you and understand your struggles, not cheat on you with your best friend. ugh I’m pissed for you. 

mj: I appreciate it y/n, but yeah love’s sorta a hard subject for me.

you nod in understanding

mj: well! that’s my traumatic breakup story, it’s only fair you share yours

you laugh: you’re right. Well I was dating this guy right when I entered college, met him at the freshman orientation, completely hit it off. I was so in love with him, we dated for about a year. And then last semester he broke up with me out of nowhere, said he wanted to focus on school and himself and that he needed a break from dating. I found out two days later that he started dating one of his suite mates and that on the night he broke up with me, they fucked. So love? also something hard for me.

mj: aww look at us both unable to find or relate to love because of past relationship traumas.

you hit his shoulder laughing: you’re such a headass

mj: I’m kidding! anyway, I’m sorry you went through that too y/n. it sucks and your ex is a dumbass for breaking up with you. Do you still have feelings for him? w-wait, you don’t have to answer that, was that insensitive?

you: you’re fine haha. Um...well...sometimes when I overthink things at night, I do miss him and I wonder what the hell I did wrong for it to end so abruptly because I was honestly really happy with him, but then I wake up in the morning and I hate him again. 

mj: you did nothing wrong y/n...and if you need to call me at 2 am when you’re overthinking and need some badass confidence knocked into you, I will be awake.

you smile and give him a hug: thanks myungjun...you know the same goes for you too?

mj: hm??? what do you mean??

you: you don’t always have to smile around me, especially if you don’t feel like it. Don’t repress your mental health, huh? It’s bad for the soul to bottle it in. I’m not gonna force you to share your darkest fears with me, I’m just saying that if you feel drained and wanna talk about it, I’m here to listen

myungjun pouts a little bit, he’s really touched?? it’s hard for him to share his troubles with others

like as much as he loves astro and is close to them, he doesn’t share his down sides with the boys as often as he should bc he never wants to burden them

myungjun just always thought it was easier to suppress the bad feelings and put on a happy act

but he couldn’t deny the weight lifted off his shoulders after telling you about his breakup

and maybe it was because your energies were on a different level lately, but he found it so?? easy?? to just vent to you after that

until competition, the two of you worked on faking like you were in love (basically imagining that each other was your favorite actor/actress or whatever, something like that)

it was good enough for the group to believe it lol

but what about the judges and audience hmmmmm

anyway, fast forward and it’s competition day!!

myungjun introduces you to his best friends aka the boysss aka astro

they come and support him for his competition ugh we love

you’re like smiling and hyper when you meet them

...has myungjun been rubbing off on you???

you: it’s so nice to meet you all! myungun always talks so highly of you

astro: huh?? you’re lying, myungjun hyung complimenting us???

and then they start messing and friendly bickering with each other and yes they’re teasing mj

you’re laughing bc it’s so cute?? you can see in their eyes and their smiles how much they really care about each other :’)

also astro, probably jin or eunwoo, maybe rocky: we’re sorry if m hyung has driven you to insanity these past few months of rehearsing

you just laugh as myungjun hits them: myungjun’s actually been like my partner in crime lately, so we’re all good :)

*cue the boys exchanging looks with each other*

you perform ah ha ha

alright, you were so used to thinking that myungjun was...idk kim soohyun or something bc mm chef’s kiss his acting...to get into the emotion of the song

but then during the actual performance you saw him as myungjun and like all the hard work and extra practices and late night talks came in full force and you were just...singing to him

and you notice how...handsome?? and charismatic?? myungjun really is...and the little sparkle in his eyes when he’s performing like...wow

and after your set, you’re just like shit, what the fuck was that??

your group doesn’t win though, you place second!

but you and myungjun get awarded best solo/duet of the entire competition

astro: ;)

your acapella group: ;)

the judges: ;)

alright so im a firm believer that if myungjun had feelings for someone, he would straight up tell them like balls to the wall full fucking send

after competition, the routine of school comes back. you occasionally hang out with myungjun outside of rehearsal

by occasionally, I mean once a week hangout with myungjun (and astro bc they started inviting you to their dinners)

and then one night – at midnight – he calls you like out of pocket and his tone is like completely serious

you’re a bit scared?? like: myungjun...is everything okay? did something happen?

mj: y/n...can I ask you something?

you: yeah, of course

mj: do you still think about your ex?

you: o_o um...honestly no, not really...why?

mj: well, if I’m being honest. y/n, I have feelings for you. And i’m not asking you to like me back or give me an answer straight away, but I just wanted to let you know. If you don’t think about your ex anymore, and if you think you’re ready...maybe you can consider thinking of me??

mmmmm kim myungjun you slick flirty dog grrr bark bark

and you know how he can just talk, and talk fast, so you’re still in the middle of processing this and he just goes on like

“sleep on it, y/n. I’ll see you soon for rehearsal, okay? good night”

like you don’t even have a chance to respond to him bc he just hangs up the phone

you think about it, of course you think about it, you’ve been thinking about it ever since competition

having feelings for myungjun has always been in the back of your mind since then

like did you notice that when you hung out with him, your heart would flutter if he said something sweet?? or if you two were a bit too close to each other?? 100%

but you didn’t know if either of you were ready for another relationship so it’s just been put on the back burner

at the next acapella practice, you find that your cheeks just flush whenever myungjun looks your way

the rehearsal went a bit??? weird?? like even your group noticed that there was a bit of a tension between you and myungjun

but of course, he goes up and talks to you after rehearsal ended and he’s like: hey...I’m sorry if my confession made you feel weird, I didn’t mean for that at all. If you want, we can just forget about what I said and stay friends! 

you just facepalm like: myungjun you idiot, I’m acting weird because I like you too. God, you know maybe the boys are right, maybe you need to shut your mouth for a little bit

and he whines like: hey!

but then he realizes what you said and he gives you the brightest smile: you mean it?? you like me back??

and you’re like shyly smiling now: yeah...I do...but do you want to take the next step?? I mean...do you think you’re ready for another relationship??

he gets like serious and he grabs your hand: not gonna lie, I don’t think I’ll ever be fully ready after my last one...but if there’s someone I wanna try it with, it’s you.

:’) kim !!! myung !!! jun !!!

dating myungjun?? the best thing ever

the cutest boy alive honestly

he has so much cute and goofy in him already with just friends and strangers

but with you, it’s increased tenfold

even you start to act cute and goofy after dating him

petnames?? bub and bubby

myungjun is not serious about a lot of things, but he is very serious about his feelings for you and your relationship

y’all take things at your own pace and he !! values !! consent !! even if it’s just like making out

he just doesn’t wanna mess things up with you :’)

the type of boyfriend to sing you to sleep ah !!! his voice is heaven alright

will be extra about pda in front of the guys to make them grossed out

and yes you get embarrassed, but myungjun’s too cute to scold

you get used to a lot of second-hand embarrassment dating him and being friends with the boys

but it’s just so endearing, you can’t even fight it

will swing your arms together when you’re out just walking

screams he’s so cute

you don’t really fight bc communicating with each other is one of the biggest things in your relationship

like if a disagreement or a situation comes up, you two are mature enough to talk it through and work things out bc you both already been knew what it’s like to be in a relationship that didn’t have full transparency

you do jokingly bicker about small things though (like think about how astro fights)

but he always ends fights by scooping you up in a hug and showering your face with kisses

loves kissing your nose

just imagine: you and myungjun cuddling and he just kisses your nose and you scrunch up your face and he just laughs and kisses you all over and you two end up giggling

will do anything to see a smile on your face, it’s the greatest sight to him

alright we been talking too much about how cute myungjun is

he’s also a hot motherfucker alright

the most attractive when he’s singing in your opinion

you know how charismatic he is, you’ve seen it first hand during rehearsal and performances

he’s very good at hiding his horniness, especially in public

but phew when you two are in private and myungjun’s in the mood

you can tell bc his eyes just get hazy and he immediately just starts kissing your neck

a very passionate lover, will prioritize your pleasure over his

sex with myungjun can go from being sweet and sensual, to fun and playful, to hot and exciting

by that...I mean that he is down to try every kink and position you can think of

as long as both of you are okay with it ofc

he’s one of the kinkiest members in astro im convinced

blindfolds? bondage? ice cubes? wax play?

you want it? you got it

he’s not into feet though, i apologize to my foot fetish lovers

his favorite position is actually missionary

myungjun loves being able to watch you and to see how good he’s making you feel

in missionary is when he feels the most connected to you, it’s just a passionate position

and yes he’s very vocal, so you betcha he encourages you to be vocal as well

will try to mess with you in a sense where say you two are hanging out with the guys, he’ll touch you and challenge you to not make a noise

and then he’ll snicker and wink at you if you even let out a peep

he’s a tease !!! like will edge you until you’re on the brink of cumming at least 3 times

myungjun has pretty good stroke game alright

very fluid with his hips, idk he just knows all the right spots to hit

praise...kink...that’s the tweet, need I say more

he’s into hair pulling !! both ways !! 

okay hear me out...myungjun fucking you and pulling your hair until your screaming and then after you both cum, he’s like: you hit a high f earlier bub! I almost wanted to harmonize with you but–

you: myungjun are you serious!

sex with him would always just be a fun time, like he’s hot and grrr it feels so good but there’s always a bit of laughing and joking around in the process

like he will tickle you before he puts his cock in you just to see the switch of you laughing to moaning

alright but shower sex?? he’s into that

and just the acoustics of both of your sounds in the bathroom?? it’s so filthy he loves it – and it’s easy to clean up afterwards

you bet that after any performance with your group, the two of you have sex, even if it’s just a quickie in an empty practice room or whatever

no shame, will kick the boys out or announce “we’re going to fuck bye!” if you or him get too horny in the middle of a hangout

im just gonna throw this out here...you and myungjun...mile high club

(your group competed in an acapella competition and the flight there...it just happened)

all in all, myungjun just wants to make you happy and feel good and smile, even if you two just finished an intense sex session

let’s get into the deep stuff though, you are the only person myungjun is comfortable with to not show a smile all the time

even with the boys, there’s always a small part of him that wants to just push through and be optimistic just so that they won’t worry

but with you, he knows that it’s okay to be sad and to be vulnerable :’)

when myungjun cries bc he’s upset :( fuck you cry too

he loves when you just hug him and stroke his hair when he’s stressed

very showy about your relationship, not bc he’s braggy, but bc he just wants to show the world how happy you make him and that he’s in love <3

the boys are so happy to see their eldest in love :’)

they don’t show it around each other, but they’ve come up to you in private and say sweet things like

“you make myungjun hyung so happy, he always brings joy to everyone but you bring joy to him, thank you”

im !! getting !! sentimental !!

the day you found out myungjun was in love with you was the day you met his parents

‘twas a bit spontaneous

his parents came to see one of your group performances and myungjun’s like holding your hand and leading you somewhere after you get off stage and he’s like “bub! these are my parents!”

you end up getting dinner with his family and yikes you were hella nervous, you were not expecting on meeting his parents right after your performance

not gonna lie, you thought he was leading you to the car for some post-performance sex

but they adored you, his parents could see how much you meant to their son ugh I cry

anyway, the L word

as you’re finishing dinner, myungjun’s all giddy and just like

“I’m so glad you came and watched mom and dad, the timing was perfect too! I wanted to introduce you to y/n for a while now and have you meet the person I love.”

and his parents are just smiling at you and saying how they’re so happy to finally meet you and how you have an amazing voice and to take care of myungjun and you’re !!! just !!! blushing !!!

as soon as you both got in the car after saying goodbye to his parents, he’s just like: hope I didn’t surprise you too much bubby, I didn’t know my parents were coming to watch until like an hour before we went on stage

you just give him a little smile: I was a bit caught off guard, but it’s okay. Your parents are so sweet, I see where you get it from bub.

myungjun: I can tell that they love you already! well of course not as much as I do, but with time I know they’ll come pretty close

and you’re blushing again, it’s the L word: do you mean it myungjun?

myungjun: that my parents love you?? of course–

you: no, bub...that you...love me?

myungjun: yeah...unless you don’t feel the same way–

you: myungjun! no, of course I do! I just wasn’t expecting the first time to hear it was with your parents

you two are laughing, ugh this man

after your giggles subside, he leans over from the driver’s seat and he just cups your cheek and pecks your nose: I love you y/n, thank you for reminding me what love feels like

you: I love you too myungjun

and then you two are just like sharing a sweet kiss in the parking lot of the restaurant before starting the drive back to his place

do you and myungjun make duets together for fun and post it?? yeah probably

you are the luckiest dating myungjun, the living breathing embodiment of serotonin and love

even when you two are older and out of college, he still gives you the same affection and attention and authenticity ugh he’s just amazing

im so sorry this was late but happy belated to our happy virus <3

3-12-21

#i literally disappeared for like a week im so sorry #astro #myungjun #kim myungjun #mj #astro mj #astro scenarios #astro headcanons #astro au #astro smut #astro fluff #mj au #mj smut #mj fluff #myungjun au #myungjun fluff #myungjun smut #myungjun scenarios #college bf!mj #college bf!myungjun

[chemicalpink]

Trust Fund Baby ♡ Kim Seokjin

Pairing: Kim Seokjin x reader

Genre: Fluff + Softcore Smut with a side of Comedy

Word Count: 6.1k

Warnings: includes softcore porn, mc cries during sex bc too much feelings, fake engagement, Jin’s mum dislikes YN

Summary: Kim Seokjin is the biggest Trust Fund Baby, it is no secret but he’s almost thirty and on the line to inherit his dad’s CEO position, which makes his family set a deadline for his engagement or he loses it all.

OR

The one where Seokjin is no good with buried feelings but Y/N isn’t any better (they kinda hate each other and they have to share a bed okay, thats the cliche here)

A/N: banner made by me, whoa I finally got this bad boy finished that took quite some time, well, I hope you enjoy, these past few days haven’t been nice to me but I’m slowly working on it. Much blessing to all of you reading this first attempt at a slightly longer shot.

Seokjin has always been one to enjoy the finest things in life, traveling around the world at any given time? check. shopping without checking the price tag? check. attending a top tier university? also check. 

The thing is, one can only live so long without having to actually work for every single swipe of a black card. He is about to turn 28, youngest child of the most successful tech innovator in Korea and a former second-place Miss Universe, and he has yet to bring a girl home that provides him with some kind of secured future to the family name.

“We are not getting any younger” his mother had said the first few times the topic was brought up during their usual family Sunday brunch, but the words fell on deaf ears.

When his dad started getting involved in the matter, Seokjin knew he was over and done with.

But as much as his dad was headstrong, Jin was one himself too, he entered each blind date knowing that he would make whoever was sitting across from him, absolutely despise him after less than an hour went by, which was quite a hard task in itself, seen as he was pretty good looking and with a heavy amount of money under his name. 

See, he would have probably agreed to marry to some of the girls that his dad sent his way, but every time he sat down for dinner with each of them, they were not even trying to fake being interested in him, just his lifestyle, whether it is if his dad was about to name him CEO any time soon or how much money they could blow off in the wedding.

He could do it for the rest of his living days, scaring off his father’s candidates, that is. It was somewhat fun, earning a weirded out look when he mentioned he liked bathing in goats milk religiously, or how he allegedly liked being put to sleep like a baby, he even once went as far as admitting a fake toe kink in the most perverted way possible when one of them just wouldn’t budge.

Then again, his fun could only last so long, as his father called him up to the office to give him a 30-day ultimatum or his trust fund would be taken away for good. Now that had the gears in his head working, how on earth would any sane enough person agree to marry in a month-long time.

“I’m not saying you’re not a keeper, hyung but I honestly don’t think I can take up such a responsibility,” Namjoon laughed as they sat in one of the campus’ lounge chairs while they waited for their class to start, the elder groaned in response.

“Could you imagine having to marry THE Kim Seokjn in less than a month, but also having to meet the standards of tech genius Mr Kim and universal beauty Mrs Kim” Jungkook laughed at his friend as he patted his shoulder in pity “I don’t think anyone is willing to put themselves through it hyung”

“Could you just- I don’t know, help me out a bit? I already know I’m fucked” 

“Okay, let’s say… who could pass the scrutinising judgemental eye of the Kims?” the blond one offered, just a bit of teasing in his tone “They would have to be a girl, your father seems adamant on that one” he paused as if in thought “ A nice family name would help too”

“She would have to be good looking too, my mum says Seokjin-hyung’s mum can never be seen without looking like she is about to own a runway” 

“Well that’s about it, I will be broke for the rest of my life, I won’t be able to pay my student loans, it was nice knowing you guys, I’ll just have to work at some greasy old diner to pay for a one-bedroom apartment somewhere out of the city and we’ll never hang out again because I’ll be a disgrace of society, this handsome face will just wrinkle and spot without the high maintenance and- ugh” he buried his face in between his hands, resting on the table in an overexaggerated manner after his rant, making the youngers try to stifle a laugh

“Whoa, what is the drama queen crying about now?” Taehyung, another friend of theirs approached the table after hearing the not so subtle commotion “Hyung, if your night cream went out of stock again, you know I can get my mum to ship some to you, we’ve talked about this”

If Seokjin’s dramatic outburst from before had made them laugh, Taehyungs’ confession made them burst in a fit of laughter that had both of them holding onto their sides “You’ve- you’ve had to restock Seokjin-hyung on- on night cream before?” 

“And now he’s going to kill me, stop laughing!” he took a seat next to them “What is this about anyway?”

“His dad said he has to marry or they will completely obliterate his spending rights” 

“Oh but, how hard can it be? You’re Kim Seokjin, just ask a girl to fake marry you” 

“He’s just worried that after having a taste of Worldwide Handsome, they won’t let go ” Seokjin let out an overdramatic groan at that, continuing to fake cry, sound muffled by his arms

“Then just ask someone that doesn’t give two shits about your money or reputation to fake marry you”

“I don’t think such a person exists, hyung”

“Yah, Y/N is a good option, her family is filthy rich too” 

“But isn’t Y/N… you know, a bastard child?” Taehyung was known amongst their scene as a social butterfly, not caring about the protocol they were subdued into when they were children, so it made sense that while for them it was almost a rule to never consider an illegitimate child a friend of theirs, Taehyung would just jump over that fact.

“Which is exactly my point, if you show up to your parents’ house, saying you’re ‘oh so in love with this black sheep’ I could bet my life, they’ll let you off the hook”

 So maybe Taehyung was right, you were his best shot so far. Contrary to what most people new to the scene of Korea’s high society believe about your social status as an illegitimate child of the car emporium’s CEO and national treasure, he knows you are more of an insider, having grown up with him but… pretty much on the side. It wasn’t like you were alien to his lifestyle, but as you both grew up and he was involved more in the family business, you had grown apart, going as far as rebelling against your father once you were grown up enough to understand what being a bastard child meant for you. 

He never stopped seeing you around though, once you started going MIA on business dinners and family trips, he thought enough to see you during classes.

However, you stopped being recognisable after he attended a semester abroad, coming back home to see pigtails and pink puffy dresses long gone, in their place, ripped jeans, which were completely unacceptable for a lady, according to his mum, and driving one of your dad’s self-proclaimed archnemesis designs. 

It was a spring semester in high school, he could recall the time as if it were a precious memory, while the rest tried to pretend it had never happened in the first place; at age 27 he doesn’t have to try so hard to recall the way you burst into one of your father’s celebratory cocktails, drunk off your ass, barely managing to get a hold of some mic and screaming into it how he, and everyone else attending the party, had a stick up their asses that didn’t let them see anything but price tags before you were dragged off stage by security. He had giggled at it but his mother had scolded him, asking him to pretend as if you had never existed in the first place.

So of course, the secure way out of an arranged marriage was simple: you. 

Now, this promised to be no easy task, he knew you hated his family almost as much as you hated your own father, but he also happened to know his way into negotiating an infallible plan that would get you to rebel against the system you were so adamant on taking down. 

“Wait wait wait, so you’re telling me, asking me, to marry you” so perhaps approaching you on your way to class wasn’t the smartest way to do it, seen as you halted your hasty walk to turn to look at him, books in hand and looking like you hadn’t slept in days.

“Yeah, fake marrying me though” 

“I would still sign a contract, Jin you do know we would be legally married, right?” he just raised his shoulders as if to dismiss your statement.

“Say, hypothetically I do it, I don’t think your parents would approve of me” you resumed your walk and he found it appropriate to play dumb with a smile on his face.

“Why wouldn’t they?” 

You stopped walking again and blinked a few times his way as if debating inside your head if he really was that dense“Jin… I’m a bastard child, you know how it goes around here”

“Hmmm I’m willing to look past that, yeah” you stared at him for a few seconds before smiling in a knowing way, resisting the urge to roll your eyes at him,  not being able to see past his words to his true intentions on the matter since you two hadn’t really hung out for years “So what do you say?”

“No thank you” you weren’t about to turn around once you started to walk away once again, but out of the corner of your eyes you could see him hanging his mouth open in that drama fashion he was known for.

Days passed and each one seemed to go by faster than the last, by the time two weeks were left, he could practically hear the ticking clock inside his head, reminding him that maybe he should have gone for an easier target, perhaps some girl from the country club that seemed to always try so hard to steal a glance from him. But then again, he wouldn’t get rid of her for all he’s worth.

Seokjin tries, again and again, everytime ending up with a no from you, he starts actually trying as his days run low, peer pressure, you’d call it as he set up a huge booth full of roses just outside your dorm building, a mic held in his hand as everyone around him took videos of THE Kim Seokjin making a fool of himself for a girl, your cheeks blazing red as you walked up to him, finally fed up with him as you angrily whispered to him “You’re asking me because you don’t think I am on your level, you honestly think less of me, why? because I didn’t grow up in a golden cradle like you and your friends? because I actually have to work for what I have? You’re an asshole Kim Seokjin, but I will prove you, I can absolutely charm both of your parents, I’ll do it” Seokjin’s grin taking over his features.

The first time you officially posed as Seokjin’s girlfriend, you wouldn’t have thought it would be one of the most nerve wrecking experiences in your life, having grown in a wealthy family, after your mother decided to leave you with your biological dad and his rightful heirs, you were no stranger to their roundabouts, their lifestyle and everything in between.

“Well you cleaned up nicely, Y/N” Seokjin said in a mocking tone, body resting against his black car just outside your dorm building as he watched you close the glass door, ready to drive both of you to his family’s vacation house all the way in Jeju Island

“Why aren’t you a gentleman and help me with my stuff?” you groaned as, once again, your suitcase betrays you and tries to slip away from your grasp.

“Nah, not really my thing” he adjusted his sunglasses perched on his nose as he mockingly added “...darling”

“Kim Seokjin, I am the one doing you a favour by going with you!” you shouted back at him, in a futile attempt to get him to help you as he was already buckling himself up  inside the driver’s seat.

In all wealthy family fashion, as soon as Seokjin phoned back home to let his parents know that he was ‘finally ready to bring his girlfriend over’ his mum had gone all out and invited most of the inner Kim family for a weekend get together in one of their houses in Jeju, with just a text the night before having to leave campus as a heads up for you to get ready, currently on your way to catch a plane. 

“Wait so let me just get this straight” you said, surprised at Seokjin’s story of how the conversation with his mum went down, turning in your seat to face him more clearly “just after month of your parents trying to set you up, you just went ahead and straight up lied to your mother by saying that you’re bringing your long time girlfriend that you just somehow never mentioned before?”

“Yeah, Y/N, didn’t you hear me out the first time?”

You let out something between a laugh and a scoff as you melted into your seat “We’re so screwed”

Two hours and a lot of bickering later, you are still pushing your own suitcase forward as you and Seokjin made your way to a rented car just outside the airport.

“Listen so- these family things are kinda..”

“Stuck up?”

“I was gonna say etiquette-driven, but yeah, stuck up probably fits best” he said as you buckled your seatbelt on, him beginning to drive away and towards his family address, somewhere from the side of your eye you could see his hand trembling lightly on the steering wheel. Could it be that Kim Seokjin was nervous? The Kim Seokjin? 

“Relax Jin, I know exactly how to handle it. We grew up together, remember?” you said smiling at him as he turned your way for a second; to calm him down, but honestly it was more a thing to try and calm yourself down, having ran away from such a lifestyle, stirring things up in your family, only to end up somehow at the center of it all was sure a wild ride to be on.

“Yeah, I sometimes kinda forget you used to be so much better at this stuff than your sisters” his eyes lingered on you a second too long as you stopped at a red light, a small smile taking over his lips and the car behind you being quick to make it known that Seokjin was taking up too long to start the car going again when the light changed.

The ride was pretty much silent and kinda awkward but soon over with as the car pulled up to a familiar villa, white houses with fancy front gardens and over the top luxury cars lining up together as Jin parked on the third house on the right, just beside the one that used to be your father’s, and probably still was.

A woman was waiting by the entrance door, which you soon recognised to be Seokjin’s mum, looking just a tad older than how you remembered her from all those years ago, a bright smile on her face as she rushed to the driver’s side to greet her son.

“Ah Seokjinnie! You never visit anymore, look at you! Are you eating well? You look so thin!” she said as she placed two sonorous kisses on her son, one  on each cheek.

“Yah, eomma, we talk on the phone a lot though” 

“Wait so who’s the lucky lady you’ve brought home?” you stood kind of awkwardly on the front of the car to greet her with a small bow and a faltering smile, your heart speeding up at the memories of what your life used to be, fingers gripping your bag tighter in an attempt to not run away as soon as her eyes landed on you and her smile fell “Y/N? Seokjinnie, is Y/N really the girl you brought home?”

“Surprise?” Jin said from behind her as she not so subtly let out a huff and entered the house as you tried not to notice how your heart sinked at the sight, surely, you had always known deep down that you were quite the talk of the town amongst the families, with you being a bastard child and all, which was exactly why Seokjin had asked you to pretend to be his girlfriend, so his parents would drop the topic, very much preferring to see his son single rather than married to an out of marriage offspring, which not only made you realise that what you had promised yourself to make Seokjin down his words would never be true, you could never in a million years make his parents love you, and you didn’t calculate just how much it would hurt yourself as you tried.

“You can take the room upstairs, I’ll call you when your sister’s back so we can have dinner together” his mother said as she made her way inside without another word

“So I don’t think your mother likes me” you blurted out as soon as you closed the door to the room “Which I guess, goes exactly as you planned, after this I don’t think they’ll be pestering you to marry”

“Y/N that’s the least of our problems”

“What are you talking about?”

His eyes opened up to emphasize along with his hands dramatically pointing towards the bed “There’s only one bed and I have a bad back so I’m not about to sleep on the floor”

“Well that’s the least you could do Kim, I’m not about to share a bed with you”

“Take the couch?” he said as he pointed to a small couch that faced the window 

“Kim Seokjin I’m doing this much for your sorry ass, so unless you want me to go down and tell your mother that all of this is a set up, you take the damn couch”

“Well I never knew you looked that hot while yelling at me, Y/N”

“You’re insufferable” 

“Y/N come on, I don’t fit in that couch” he whined at you as you walked towards the bathroom to freshen up

“Do as you please Seokjin, but you’re not sleeping with me” 

As if dealing with Seokjin’s mum wasn’t enough, his sister was about to burst your head either from all the questioning or out of spite from the looks she was giving you as you sat across from her on the dinner table

“So Y/N, your sisters never mentioned you dating our Seokjin”

“Oh yeah- it was more of a very private matter, we dated for awhile just to see how it went, right Jinnie?” you said the nickname in a honey dripping voice that fitted the fake scenario you had going on

“Ahh yeah, yeah, Y/N and I, we uh- we like keeping to ourselves”

“And I haven’t seen you at your dad’s company dinners after- well, the incident”

“Seung” their oldest brother said sternly, catching up with her intentions “We’re just glad to see you again, Y/N”

“Thanks”

After dinner, Jin and you walked upstairs saying your goodbyes to the rest of his family to enter the bedroom, separately doing your night routines, you lied on one side of the bed as Seokjin prepped a few blankets and pillows in order to lie on the floor “I was just joking, you know? You could sleep on the other side of the bed” you said, feeling somewhat guilty at how he had taken your past statement as a rule

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable” he was quick to say, already tossing at being uncomfortable lying on the floor.

“Oh so now you’re being considerate?” you scoffed- sure, Seokjin was kind of a dick, most of the time, but he wasn't half as bad as most people his age and social status, but honestly speaking, if he was so preoccupied on making you uncomfortable, he wouldn’t have even proposed to make you go through this whole ordeal “After what I just had to go through with your sister?”

“Well you kind of accepted to come” he retorted in a soft voice, one you hadn’t listened to him use before, as if over the course of the short dinner time, something had changed in your relationship “A friend doing me a favour, you know?”

“Seokjin…” you trailed off, however as far as you two went back, after news broke that you were somewhat cut off from your father’s heirship, and everyone started treating you cold as ever, you would have thought Jin had gotten the clue “We stopped being friends a long time ago”

“What are you talking about” the night was filled with silence apart from your two whispering voices in the dark as both of you laid there

“Yeah after… that time, we hadn’t talked to each other until now” Describing your relationship with Seokjin was one of the most difficult things to do, while you were still part of the official lineage of your father’s, the Kims had actually even rooted for you to marry Seokjin, whomst you were head over heels at the time, both of you were, but Jin being the good son and heir to a tech emporium, had always disliked the way you stood up against your father and the whole elite thing your families had going on; needles to say, you both completely cut off any strings attached after you proclaimed your despise to the whole wealthy ordeal and you were vanished from your dad’s will. 

“I fail to see your point” and for a second you would have loved to believe his soothing voice in the dark, to still be in friendly terms at least, with him, after all this time.

“Nevermind just- goodnight” you said as you turned on your side to cuddle the pillow in between your arms, his soft voice reaching your ears once more and for the last time in the night.

“Goodnight Y/N”

“I’m just going straight to the point here, Y/N what exactly do you plan on achieving by marrying my son?” Jin’s mother said as soon as you came down the stairs, Seokjin having left the room a while back

“Nothing ma’am, we’re just really in love” something inside you twisting at the lie that could have been truth if things were just a tiny bit different than how they were evolving at the time, the words leaving your lips sounding as the mere truth to your ears nonetheless

“I don’t buy that lovebirds facade, Y/N drop the act now” she turned to look directly at you, trying to sound menacing, which, would have worked, had it not been for you handling her for quite some time now, so you just tried your sweetest smile at her “Whatever you and Seokjin had when you were teens, your father and Seokjin’s father called it off”

“I know” you tried to conceal just how much the reminder hurted, the memories flooding into your mind, of you and Jin being engaged even before meeting each other, the good times you both spent together as friends, a few months as something more, then the lonely nights when it was all over and it had seemed like a dream that just wouldn’t ever come true.

“Just so you know, I’m keeping a close eye on you two” were her last words before leaving the kitchen, off to some other place in the house.

“Yes ma’am”

“Hey, Y/N, we’re heading to the beach you coming?” Seokjin asked as he laid his elbow on the counter, you pull him towards you, taking his hand in your smaller one as you watched his mother closing in on you two from the distance before she set her eyes elsewhere

He leaned in to you, whispering “What was that for?”

“Your mother knows something’s up” you shortly answered

“Y/N, I didn’t know you were coming” Seokjin’s father looked just as he did the last time you saw him years ago, his face contorting into an incredule one as he saw you descend from one of the cars that took you to the beach “Are you and your father on a better place now?”

“Oh no sir, I’m accompanying Seokjin” if he hadn’t believed your presence at first, he surely wasn’t believing the words leaving your mouth; Seokjin’s father had always had a soft spot for you, my hardest working tobe daughter-in-law, he had once said, and even after you and Seokjin’s engagement was called off, mainly by your father even when Jin’s mum said otherwise, his dad had offered you a place in his company’s headboard after you graduated, which you politely denied, knowing that someday, Seokjin would be CEO and you would have to work under his name directly.

“Seokjin? my son?” you nodded “What has Seokjin ever done to deserve you as his fiancee?”

“The same thing I keep repeating myself” you mutter more to yourself than for him to hear

“What was that?”

“Oh, nothing!”

The weekend with Jin’s family was as monotonous as you remembered them to be, with family dinner after a day at the beach, plus the constant scrutinising eye of his mother on you two, which made you both hold hands more than the normal amount a real couple should, only to have to spend the night at a lonely bed.

 “Jin, I’m cold” 

“Well you sure aren’t planning on also taking my blanket from me, you’ve taken my bed already” he joked from his made up bed on the floor, which in hindsight, was probably even colder for him than for you

“Jin”

“No can’t do”

“Come cuddle me then” the words had left your mouth before your brain could even complete to process them, the situation all too familiar from years before, like muscle memory, your brain had just dwelled into a common relationship between the two, too easy to slip away from.

“Ohhh you’re already falling for worldwide handsome” he joked, only you knowing the truth his words hid behind them and you felt your face heat up, somehow deciding against backing up.

“Shut up just-” torn between spilling your “new found” feeling for him that were remains from a past love or keeping it the bare minimum “I’m cold”

“Fine, I’ll be there” he paused, and you knew him all too well to know that he was wearing a stuid grin on his face, wondering if by any chance the innocent banter had a deeper meaning for him too as he added “Almost fiancee”

You could hear a shuffling  of blankets and him throwing his pillows on the bed before he literally jumped on it, whole body hovering over yours, his eyes glistening as they bore into yours as he kept his body weight on his extended hands, a familiar twist in your heart at the distance, his lips on yours in the blink of an eye for less than a second before he rolled off to the empty side of the bed

“What was that for?!” you panicked, not loud enough for anyone to hear but him

“I don’t know it felt right”

As you turned to confront him, the air suddenly didn’t feel as cold as before, a warmth enveloping you both that felt like home, like this place and time was exactly where you were supposed to be all along, your hands coming up to caress the side of his face as his larger ones tugged you closer to him effortlessly without breaking eye contact; both of your faces coming closer to each other, noses brushing against each other before your lips found his, an all too familiar setting for the both of you, everything feeling as if both of your lives had been a movie that had been unwillingly paused and someone had pressed play just as you were close like this, feeling as if all those years apart were nothing when together, his hot tongue lapping your lower lip as you granted him entrance, tongues dancing with one another as time seemed to slow down, a gasp escaping your lips as his cold hand found its way into your pajama pants “sorry, is this okay?” he whispered against your lips, to which you agreed, your own hands scurrying under his top to caress his torso, his lips finding your sweet spot under your ear all too easily, as if he had never forgotten about it, his pants straining by each passing second as you felt him grow harder against your thigh, hand going under the covers to palm him over the fabric, which made him exhale a moan in your ear, feeling yourself grow wetter at the display, all too familiar, yet not enough, you lunged yourself over him to straddle his hips, clothed core rubbing against his covered length in a futile attempt to ease the tension “ah- you’re sure about this, Y/N?” he found himself checking in with you before you both lost yourselves to pleasure “a hundred percent, Jin”.

Seokjin was quick to rid you both of your clothing, both of you grimacing at the cold and giggling about it for a second before you resumed your ways with one another, Jin’s tongue working its way down your body until he reached your folds, eating you out like a man starved, his hand finding yours to grip tight as he went down to business, lapping up your juices and working you to your first quieted orgasm of the night with a questionable experience, were you two to have never broken up in the first place; you quick to turn you both over so you were on top and ready to ride his apparently aching length as soon as he disctrated himself by kissing you post-bliss tasting yourself on his tongue, a smirk forming in his features as he reached on the bed side table to roll a condom on himself, your hands teasing him already as you muttered a “Your parents are in the next room” that was soon answered with a cocky “We shouldn’t let them hear then” before you lined him up with your entrance and slided down on him, hands gripping each other’s as you started working a pleasurable deep pace, moans tangling with the other’s, eyes fluttering shut and a lonely tear rolling down you cheek at all the emotions that you had pent up and were slowly releasing by each thrust as you buried your face on his neck, startling Jin  and making you look down on him to check on you as he noticed you crying “Y/N, are you okay?” he muttered sweetly before kissing your lips in the sweetest form, hips stilling as he was buried deep inside you, him tossing you underneath him, angling his hips better and taking over a more passionate pace, plump lips kissing away your falling tears, as if knowing that they were caused by something bigger than the both of you “God you’re so beautiful” he said as his pace became erratic “Come with me please, Y/N” whether his words or the newly found position as he pulled a leg over his shoulder, hitting all the right spots, worked you to your second orgasm, followed by him spilling in the condom, would remain a mystery as he was quick to dispose the used condom and clean both of you as you edged on sleep, his naked torso colliding with your bare back as he cuddled you.

“What are they doing here?” You muttered under your breath as Jin leaned into your frame, your right arm intertwined with his as you both rounded the corner to greet the guests that Jin’s mother had so carefully selected for the engagement party

“What? Who?” his eyes scanned the room rapidly 

“My father and- Seoyun and Junghee” his free hand rested on top of yours in an attempt to let you know he was there for you, having witnessed first hand all the history between you and your family and mentally cursing his mother for playing you so dirty

“Shit”

“Seokjin I can’t keep doing this” you turned to him, eyes panicked and wide on the verge of tears, his mind racing a hundred miles per second in search for the right words that would make you stay, he had already lost you before, and even though things didn’t quite turned out the way he had planned, he wasn’t about to let you slip away again “I can’t face them again, after all they’ve put me through, Seokjin, they took away my dreams just because I wouldn’t pace around like the rest of them,  this is your life, not mine I’m so sorry” you had ran out of his grip and out the door before his brain could even begin to process it, blinking a few too many times before he called out to you 

“Seokjinnie! What’s taking you so long?” his mother had gathered the guests in the garden for the grand entrance of the newly announced engagement, tired of being kept waiting, walking up to him

“I’m so sorry eomma, I’ll- I just- I have to go” in his mind he was already out the door looking for you, had it not been for his mother’s hand on his bicep keeping him on place and turning him to look at her

“Kim Seokjin, we get it. Your father and I will wait until you find a girl to marry, one that suits you well” Seokjin’s mother was sure a woman that could not be fooled, but this one time perhaps it was Jin that had been fooled by himself on letting himself get close to you and fall in love all over again, just the way it happened all those years ago, just the way it was supposed to be

“That’s what you don’t get mum, I’ve already found the one” 

“Y/N? Jinnie, Y/N is not part of our world, you know it” 

“Then I want to be part of hers. I don’t care if you take my trust fund, take everything, I’ll build myself up, just like she did all those years ago and all of us, we all turned our backs on her, I want to be there for her, like it should have been from the start” he would have loved to record the incredulity in his mother’s eyes as she let her arms fall to her sides defeated, the first time Kim Seokjin had fail to complied with his mother was about none other than in an engagement matter.

Truth be told, you couldn't go far, there was no possible way you could just run home all the way from Jeju Island, but somehow seeing your tear stained face as you slumped over an old set of swings that he now recalled, you two used to go to back in the day, had his heart filling up, butterflies roaming his tummy

“...Jin” you exhaled his name, his mind quickly recalling the night before, how your eyes spilled love all over, how the past days watching you go on your daily routine alongside him, had him imploding with the purest kind of love

“Y/N? Listen I-” he began, a thousand words tangled in his mind waiting to be released

“I don’t think I made it”

“Made what?”

“Your parents to like me” a smirk appeared in his features as his hand came up to caress the side of your face lovingly

“Well you certainly made me like you” he said, close enough to your lips that you could have sworn both of your breaths mixed into one

“I don’t think you ever stopped liking me” a mirroring grin traced your lips before you leaned in to kiss him, whatever the path you two were once destined to walk, it was all different now, whatever turns it may take the only sure thing was that you two would walk it down together after all those years apart. 

Plus, technically speaking, Jin’s trust fund should remain intact since he found a wife in less than a month’s time, and you could always ask his dad for that place in the company he was always talking about.

#hyunglinenetwork #bangtanarmynet #networkbangtan #kim seokjin smut #seokjin smut #seokjin imagine #seokjin oneshot #seokjin x reader #seokjin fanfic #seokjin imagines #seokjin headcanon #seokjin fic #bts imagine #bts smut

[anakinthetrashking]

I CANNOT sleep and am having severe Gen/Irene feels right now. My heart is going to be physically carved out of my body by them. I haven't had an otp destroy me like this in years. I mean it just hit me that they remind me of Han/Leia, esp from the HttE trilogy... Han is so soft for Leia, it kills me. And Han/Leia was my original otp at like 6yrs old, so.

Plus I keep coming back to the idea of a 1,001 Nights AU,,, bc the idea of Gen winning over a cold-hearted-bloody-Queen Irene by spinning a tale for her every night is just, mesmerising, really. (Also snarking his way into a friendship with one of the guards assigned to him??? COSTIS!!!!!!) but would def have to sneak that Princess Bride quote in... Like: "Good night Gen. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." (I mean I personally wouldn't be able to resist including that)

Now wishing I was able to put a read-more on mobile bc all the spoilers... And now for some more...

Because I will NEVER get over The Scene™️... I mean, "please... Don't hurt me anymore" HE'S TALKING ABOUT HIS HEART. HIS HEART!!!! and the huge difference between his complete silence there and his loud whining later; how he switches between the two (what I wouldn't give to have excerpts of Irene's point of view in those scenes) AND SITTING OUTSIDE HIS CELL LISTENING TO HIM!!!!!!! The way he sits at her feet when they're in private,,, just hit me I'm already CRYING. and he's so pure... She may have taken something from him but he willingly wants to give her *everything else that he has and will ever have* if her throne wasn't in danger he would have joyfully been second to her for the rest of forever, smiling up at her lovingly and in awe... And that destroys me...

Speaking of which I also have this idea for a really symbolic set of drawings, which I mean to make but won't do justice to I'm very slow and if someone else happened to try their hand at it I would be very happy indeed. Anyway my idea is this- the first drawing(or maybe split in two?) Would be Gen and Irene, back to back, Irene on the left and Gen on the right. It's just a set of portraits of their profiles, but Gen is looking up, almost searching for something, and maybe cliche, but there is light shining down on him from the right upper corner.(eh, eh? Get it?) While in the left portrait Irene is looking down to the left hand corner with a hard, cold but pained? look in her eyes, and that bottom corner is dark and dripping/splattered with, well, blood. AND THEN THE COMPANION DRAWING/SET would be them facing each other– so now Gen is on the left and Irene is on the right but now they are looking at each other, and the light shining on Gens face is coming from Irene and his background is the dark blood splattered corner, and their faces are just slightly altered, so that Irene has a light sheen of tears in her eyes with a look that has cracked past her exterior to show the relief of finally having someone solely on her side but also mixed with her grief of The Incident... And Gen is looking up at her from his dark and lonely and painful place with this slight smile looking at her like she hung the sun and moon and stars in the sky–!!!!!! And the backgrounds would be a gradient of dark to light from left to right— UGH. I can't.

I AM EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED.

#queen's thief #the queen's thief #attolis eugenides #eugenides #attolia irene #queen of attolia #attolia #gen/irene #tqt spoiler #tqt spoilers #tqt #the queen's thief series #the queen's thief spoilers #ITS 5 AM AND IM EXHAUSTED BUT VERY AWAKE. #insomnia; baby! #ashdksk i have so much to do and so much i want to do and never time and energy at the same time #idk i know i should try and sleep again now that i got all this out of my head but we'll see

[ittakesrain]

a shitshow of a brain-dump

Even though I keep thinking this episode is over, it never is. Or, it hasn’t been yet. Eventually, it will be. Hopefully sometime fucking soon. But today is not that day, my friends.

I went to bed at 4:30pm last night. Like, the afternoon. Slept til 7 this morning, too, which I guess isn’t a bad thing. It certainly beats being conscious. But maybe that’s a bad way to look at it haha, like, I shouldn’t want to be unconscious. It’s just like…how else am I supposed to deal while just waiting this fuckin’ thing out?

I was asking myself what’s better. Crying for hours, tears saturated with anguish and discomfort and uncertainty and fear? Or all-consuming emptiness, nothing left to think or feel or experience, al emotion lost in the void? They both suck. But it’s been changing up nightly, so there’s at least some variety in the fucking depression.

I had therapy this morning, which always helps, and it did help, and I’m so relieved because I’m still kinda riding that high even though I needed my Klonopin (that I’ve been taking daily, because why suffer, I can’t take the suffering).

Anyway. I went in all mopey and folded into myself as usual but she eventually got me talking (damn, how does she do that?) and I was able to breathe for 45 minutes and have that time as a break from wanting to cease existing just to escape the torment. I could go on forever about the miracles that happen there, while we sit next to each other on the floor by the window, but more on that later.

I hung out with a friend after, a fellow mental health warrior, and it was a great distraction, and she totally understood that I needed to bolt outta there once I felt the oncoming, out-of-nowhere panic attack ready to pounce.

Came home. Ate fucking food (berries and cottage cheese, weird but healthy, I guess?). I actually ate something with my therapist today too, she gave me some of those breakfast biscuit things, and I ate them, go me.

I took all my fucking vitamins and supplements. Multi bc I’m not getting enough shit I need, biotin because since I’m not getting the shit I need my hair is falling out. Magnesium because it’s supposed to help with anxiety. PassionFlower extract because that is alsooo supposed to help with anxiety and I am desperate.

I also feel the need to say that I’m doing everything right. I’m taking the meds and stopping to inhale and exhale like a normal human, I’m tryinggggg to stay positive. I’m disheartened (and fucking furious) that this still happened.

Now for the brain-dump part that probably isn’t going to make any sense because it’s literally just random nonsense I typed up throughout the day.

I was thinking about what I want right now (an end to the torture, a plan of attack to kick back at this bullshit, some internal motivation that doesn’t dissipate abruptly and painfully) and about what I need (aside from a damn miracle). Like, how do I ask for help from people? What can I tell them I need? Basically I just need patience. Lots of love and affection (all the hugs and cuddles, please). I need work to be understanding about this. Which they are. It’s just ugh I’m still embarrassed.

Okay, now a word on understanding. I hate when people tell me they understand because unless they have bipolar, they most certainly do not and don’t insult me by saying that you do. I’m not gonna invalidate the pain other people feel, that’d be a shitty thing to do. But like, it’s insulting and upsetting. If I’m trying to explain how in my dark moments I literally CANNOT see clearly, I CANNOT fathom a time when I wasn’t in pain or a time when I won’t be in pain, I CANNOT function…and you tell me you’ve been there? Well then why can’t I just “be positive” and move on, like you apparently were able to do. I don’t wanna rant about this too much, but like. It’s on my mind.

I also had this random thought: I take one step forward, two steps back, two steps forward, one step back. I’m staying in the same place (cue bitter frustration seeping out of my brain). But I’m kinda dancing with it. Dancing in place. Like, what I mean by that is I’m trying. I’m doing new things and trying my best (when I am capable of it) and just. I dunno, is that a good perspective?

Lastly, I’m trying to find a way to love myself even with my malfunctioning, glitch-ridden brain. Even with my blossoming bouquet of mental illnesses. What I really mean by that is I’m trying to be proud of myself in spite of feeling like a total failure. I mean, yeah, surviving on a daily basis is a HUGE accomplishment for someone who’s got a mental illness. If you’re in that category of people, congrats and I’m so proud of you. But like gahhh I wanna be proud of myself and it seems to be a struggle for me. I’m gonna try being patient. I mean, nothing says I can’t get back up on the horse and try again. Actually, I’m gonna do that. Because I really have no choice, but because that’s how I like to think I am. Resilient, blah blah, we know. Bipolars are resilient. But, like. Yeah.

Some definitions:

Fail- to be unsuccessful in achieving one’s goals

Success- the accomplishment of an aim or purpose

Goal- the object of a person’s ambition or effort, the desired aim or result

Ambition- a strong desire to do or achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work

And some quotes:

“Failure is not a sin” –dunno who said it but my HS principal said this at our graduation

The only way to fail is to not try –again, dunno who said it, but we all know this basic idea, don’t we

“Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently” –apparently Henry Ford said this

Success is a journey, not a destination –I think of happiness the same way, interesting

“Ambition is believing in yourself even when no one else in the world does”

I’m just trying to convince myself that I’m worthy of the time it’s gonna take for me to get my shit to an acceptable level of “together.” The words I typed up there totally aren’t gonna make sense if anyone reads them, buuuuut maybe when I go back and read this thingggg later, it’ll jog something in my brain that helps.

Alrighty. Enough smashing this keyboard for the night.

#personal post #Thoughts

[softshouyous-archive]

do yona!!!

AHHH HELLO LOVE THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! i smiled so much when i saw this ask last night thank you for enabling me hehe (under a read more because i . am very chatty today JFLKG)

haven’t heard of it | absolutely never watching | might watch | currently watching | dropped | hated it | meh | a positive okay | liked it | liked it a lot! | loved it | a favorite

don’t watch period | drop if not interested within 2-3 episodes | give it a go, could be your thing | 5 star recommendation (please it’s so funnie, there is amazing chara dev, oh no i forgot my last point gfjg) (the manga esp is so amazing omg thank you miss kusanagi)

fav characters: yona: she is SO strong god i . god i love her sososo much i’m tearing up just thinking about her hjkgdfhgfjdhg her chara dev is SO amazing oh my god. if you watch the first episode and then read one of the most recent chapters you’d just be stunned at the difference . i love my queen i was going to go on some more about my other faves but this would get Long so i’ll just list them: the four dragons, yoon, and lili least fav characters: gogi (goji??) and perhaps the king that they’re facing off rn, i forgot his name jkghgdfjghffav relationship: hak and yona and hak and jae ha GDFJLKGJ they’re so dumb gdjksgk OH and yona and lili fav moment:omg okay honestly my memory of yona is like . super bad esp since i sped read it like . maybe a year or two ago gdfjkghdfg so i forgot a lot, though i plan to reread soon hehe (~: i actually reread the arcs where lili appeared and wow

like okay first . yona saving lili from that guy who was on nadai??? drop kicking him and then turning to lili to ask if she’s all right??? please that was really cool.... and also like. i really love how lili saw yona and was inspired to change because of her??? like she realized her own flaws/insecurities once (?) she saw yona’s strengths and was like shit dude??? when she realized her flaws i feel like, hm how to say gdfjghjf yona’s strengths helped her improve in the areas of herself that she was unhappy with?? that just makes me feel . so warm like. wow . gjdfksgjfkd but yeah she wanted to change things > her dad wouldn’t let/help her > and she was also. really scared?? but i feel like seeing yona’s displays of courage really helped her be more brave !!!! for ex, when they were staying at the inn where the guy responsible for nadai was at, yona put herself out there and protected lili and tetora. lili questioned yona’s actions and asked if she was scared and said that she wasn’t strong. yona pretty much agreed with those things but was like ‘even though i’m scared, i have to protect you both’ (or smth) and just. wow . that really. Does Something you know??? and i just love yona so much for that she’s so admirable like putting yourself out there even though you’re scared??? i..... h. and wow i’m really going off track . i feel like that all really fueled lili’s next actions of taking the golden water seal and making all those decisions for the better in order to try to get rid of the nadai. if i remember correctly, even though she was scared and knew of the repercussions, she still went on because of the courage she saw yona had and because she really cared about her nation and i just !!!!! fuck man !!!!!!!! she’s so strong and that made me so happy to see that she wasn’t held back by her fears and that she was willing to sacrifice things for the better like . god man . 

and i just love their friendship besides that like when they hung out in the tent and just their convos are so fun!!!!! i love that yona is lili’s first friend like i think that’s so cwute ))): i would die to see an ova or an extra story of just them hanging out and having fun like god i really love their bond so much like every time they’ve had to part i get so emo like no please stay together T___T and i also really love that they’re both figures ??? of royalty in some sense idk why i think it’s kool gkjdghfdoh and that guy who tried to kill yona after they were exiled, his chara dev was great i love and appreciate that gjkfdhgjf

headcanons/theories: oh BOY i WISH i had some ugh but my brain and its lack of creativity ://// oh wait hm maybe i would like to think that hak one day is able to move on and receive some sort of closure from what soo won did ???? like i completely recognize that it’s super hard to recover from what happened ://// like god his. anger from when he first saw soo won again???? like zude . i feel like that was illustrated vvv nicely but it was also so sad to see how mad he got bc it just means that he’s hurting so much you know ))): like his anger and pain was so strong that it was so difficult to hold him back ))): 

hm i like to think that the night of when that happened, yona just sits with hak outside and he just starts talking about his feelings and yona is just there listening because hak doesn’t really talk about his feelings )): he usually  keeps the Cool and Strong front for Princess Yona but those feelings are bound to come out one day, and that day was after seeing soo won again. he goes on about how it felt to see him again and you know about how he just felt so betrayed and hurt, about how ‘i refuse to believe that the gentleness we were shown was fake’ (as said by yona but i like to think that hak feels this way too) and i just feel like that makes it so much more painful because. you have someone who was your childhood friend who was really nice to you and who you had a lot of fun with. then one day they turn around and suddenly take the life of someone very important to you. you want to hate this person and detest them and lock away any memory of them, but it’s hard because you have fond memories of them, they were a good person to you. so then it’s like how do you feel??? i feel like it leaves them feeling vvv conflicted and torn. and it’s just so. heartbreaking to hear hak express his feelings like this esp because she can Feel his hurt. they’re sitting side by side and it’s dark with Minimal moonlight but she can still see the slight tears ): she can’t hear him crying because he’s talking normally and masking it somehow gjdkfhgjf but she gently puts his head on her shoulder and takes his hand and i die unpopular opinion: hm i sadly don’t see that many akayona opins in general so i don’t know :/// oh hm one of them may be that i don’t really like soo won??? gdjkghf like i’ve seen some people say they like hm... and i honestly don’t know how to feel??? i’m trying to pay more attention to his character during my reread and right now i’m Conflicted because . you know gjdkfghdfjgf but hm he is interesting thoughhow’d you find it: OH boy so i have a friend who i watched anime with during my last year of hs and she recommended that we watch yona!!! it was sososo funny omg the anime is so fun!!!! i really loved it and decided to read the manga and oh Man am i so happy that i did because it shows way way more than the anime does and it’s SO good SO amazing i love

random thoughts: zude i feel SO sad for zeno ))): okay before i go into it, first can i just say. the fucking TRAUMA of everyone seeing his power for the first time???? when he got cut up and got his HEAD cut off ???? like miss kusanagi did not hold back with that and showed it i gjdghj and god yona’s expression when that happened like the HORROR on her face i . even though he ended up being okay, i don’t know how someone can recover from that trauma you know???? of seeing a loved one get their head taken off like that??? like god....

but anyway onto my point gdjfklgf i feel so sad for him because of his immortality )))): like he’s going to go through his life meeting and bonding with so many people that he’s going to eventually lose )): as he goes through out his life, he must get sad thinking about the people who he’s lost and how he can never talk to them again no matter what. he carries these memories of loved ones and i think that SUCKS i would literally just want to die i don’t think i can deal with a loved one dying, and for that to happen again and again forever???? like..... zude 

also jae ha is so stupid i love him  

#oh..... this got way way longer then i intended GJDFLKG i hope it made some sort of sense hgjkfdg #also dont take the hc seriously i don't know how to come up with hcs hgjkfdg #long post #thank you again anon love you hope you're doing well <3 #anonymous #lovemail

[is-hiveswap-act-2-out-yet]

March 8, 2018

Hiveswap: Act 2 is not out yet.

Hey what’s up guys I hate tumblr apps and I hate the ipad I have to remember and retype all of this so I ugh it won’t be as raw as the first draft but

Anyway

I am depressed and very sad...and I am depressed. I wasn’t gonna even make the original post bc I’m so sad and didn’t have the energy to do it i was just gonna go to sleep but idk I feel kind of a personal obligation so here I am...remembering and retyping the post I just made but tumblr just pooped out of existence.

I um I got a car like I signed for it and everything and it’s all good i can pay for it but the problem is the insurance. Because since I’m under 21 (woman) the insurance is like super expensive it’s like $300 a month at the cheapest and that’s like a DEAL.

I can’t like get on my dads insurance bc my dad and I...like really bad stuff like we don’t talk and honestly I’d rather Uber the rest of my life than give him one more thing to hold over me when trying to manipulate me and emotionally abuse me

Um but so anyway it’s stressing me out because like ugh its so unfair its just so unnecessary it’s so stupid you know? The life ive had to live because of my dad. Its not even the price. That made me cry. Its that I’ve been living this way for so long now that it feels never ending. It feels like...my goals are /just/ out of reach.

It sucks to see your friends all have opportunity like from their parents. And help from their parents, to at least get started. And...I don’t have that. I’ve never had that. My parents just kind of did their job till I was like 13 and then I had to learn everything myself. And I obviously havent learned a whole lot. Just how to sing and how to be a kind of cool person. But maybe not even that. Idk I’ve never been close to my parents. Theyve never made an effort to like be a part of my life and know who I am. And I don’t know them either. Like I see them every day, my mom drives me places if I ask, but I don’t know them.

And I don’t know how orphans that leave an orphanage at 18 do it. Because without the help from parents, without that little push, it’s so hard to exist in this world.

Like I can almost grab them but I’m stuck in that never ending stretch. And no matter what I do no matter how much closer I move the finish line, I still am stuck, alone, reaching for it and struggling to grab it.

I also um I got an offer for a full time job. But honestly I’m not too confident in my ability to be a sales person 24/7 but I don’t really have a choice. I’m scared I’ll start and theyll realize how terrible I am and how they made a mistake and theyll fire me and my uselessness will be: confirmed. And its like really giving me anxiety. But...again. Don’t have a choice.

And its also killing me bc my current job. I’ve been there for 3 years. I’ve built so many important friendships and learned so much there. That place is forever in my heart, I love it so much. Its honestly my comfort, from my actual life. Which is weird, right? Work is where you find comfort? But yeah. Work is currently my comfort. I feel at home when I walk in the doors.

And it hurts me to think about having to leave. Or to even think about having to tell my coworkers and managers that I got an offer for a full time job that I have to take. I don’t want to end that chapter of my life. Not yet. Not for some boring sales position at what seems like a terrible company.

I tried to tell them today and I couldn’t do it it was so hard I was thinking about it all day and I felt guilt for not telling them and that makes me really sad.

But you know I need this because I don’t have health insurance and I need health insurance. I need it.

I don’t know.

I was always scared to get a full time job too because to me...a full time job...is like...the end. Or not the end but more like...the beginning of...acceptance? Like just the beginning of accepting that you have to work away your life to live and you have to work under capitalism and succeed in capitalism and just...taking a seat and following all those rules to live a secure life. Giving your life up. Giving up your dreams, even.

It feels like I’m running out of time.

And you know I don’t want to be stuck in a cycle under the capitalist thumb until I die I want to do things I want to perform I want to sing I want to see things!!! I haven’t had the privilege of others to you know go out and do things I wanted to do because my family is so broken and I just want that. I don’t want to be smooshed down into a case and hung up on some CEOs huge wall of other people smooshed into cases.

I just...it feels like I’m running out of time. And its stressing me out. And making me sad.

And you know of course I have mental health issues like I don’t even know if I can be a functional person at all 24/7 so I don’t know how working full time is gonna be.

I’m just scared of failing in every area. Scared of not being good enough. Scared of running out of time. Scared of being defeated and having to just comply with the world.

And of course the no internet affecting my ability to do any of the things I enjoy, leaving me an empty shell of YouTube videos and video games out of obligation.

Also the fact that I cant afford an apartment even with s full time job, meaning I have to stay here in my dads house, miserable, for that much longer.

And just....there’s a whole lot. There’s a whole lot. I’m thinking about a bunch of stuff and I’m sad and it’s hard for me right now. So if I miss a day or two or a few...I’m sorry. Uh. Just know that it’s not bc I’m lazy it’s because I just really am not “feelin up to it right now”.

Sorry to dump my 2nd edition life story on yall but idk sometimes you just gotta share your feelings with a bunch of random strangers on the internet so they understand why you arent having the best time keeping up with your daily blog.

Edit: just watched the Nintendo direct and WOW SUPER SMASH BROS FOR THE SWITCH YEAAHHHHHHH

Also congrats, Toby. On your dream of getting undertale on the switch. And also making it onto a Nintendo direct woe.

There are 11 days until “Spring 2018”.

#im not even sure im excited for hiveswap anymore tbh #i cant play it anyway #im so sad and out of it that hiveswap has drifted so far from me #which makes me really sad because homestuck made me grow more than anything but #idk ill be ok ill live #i wont die from this bad place...i can make it

[pet-diary]

New Nostalgia

I’ve been really falling down on writing about my day lately, so I thought I would try a new format and see if I liked it (to be honest, I stole it from bokurarri because their entries look so clean and appealing). Think of it like buying a new diary, haha. Because I tend to just give up when I get too behind on posting... I guess I’ve always done that when it comes to keeping a diary, even when I was a kid. But I really want to post more regularly, on the daily. Like, I keep a queue running constantly, but in terms of immediate posting, and more descriptive accounts of my day, I only tend to do that when I’m on my desktop and have free time. I’m just noticing, I really won’t have as many free days like that if I start getting busy with grad school or a job. That’s kind of scary to think about (okay, a LOT scary), so I really need to form these habits now while I still have some time. I thought I’d start by posting an entry that I wrote a few days ago but never posted. Maybe I’ll do this sometimes, just to keep a record of things, even if I don’t have much time to write. I know I also tend to start writing an entry and then I fall asleep and have to stop, so maybe this will help for that. I’ve also been wanting to do this in Mori Journal format, but I figured I’d start simple for now. So here goes....

＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿ ☁： 天気はどうですか 😅： 元気？ ￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣ ■ 02.03.18. (Saturday) 【Apartment viewings & Cocktail Parties】

Today, I viewed two apartments, walked a lot, turned in an application for one apartment (effectively signing on it, we move in half a month!), came home, got dressed for a cocktail party, went to a major donor casino party for a disability rights and services organization, hung out with two new friends (I have friends!!) all night, met a ton of new people who I really liked, drank a lot of water while everyone else got drunk (lol, I hate that my body doesn't like alcohol), gambled for the first time in my life (black jack. Kinda boring! but it was for a good cause, and it was actually free to us), randomly ran into an ex at this party who I deeply dislike (I'm pretty sure I did not hide my disdain well, lol oops), turns out he works in the same field and hangs out around the same types of people. Also works at the hospital I’m doing my observership from, so that’s SUPER fun. I genuinely hate this guy... Oh well. That was really uncomfortable and exhausting. I had to pretend to be polite and friendly. Trev doesn’t like him either, and he hated Trev. Ugh. I hate faking my emotions, I’m not good at it. Lots of cognitive dissonance gross feels. The rest of the night was really good. Feeling very proud of myself lately for being so brave and strong... But very exhausted.

Back to present day... I’ve been feeling a little anxious lately about the future. I think that’s normal, considering everything I have going on right now. But I get really scared that my anxiety will become acute again. That I’ll get panic attacks again, or deeply depressed again, or start having odd thinking again. I’ve come so far in just a short time, so I’m trying really hard to have healthier coping mechanisms and thought processes. But it seems like little things will trigger old ways... I tend to bounce back more easily, but it still happens. And when I try to talk to anyone about it people tend to blow me off and tell me I’m doing fine and I don’t have anything to worry about. If I’m doing fine it’s because I’m working hard every single day, every day is a struggle, “fine” doesn’t come easy. So this fear of back sliding is real, very very real. And, Idk. I guess I’m just trying to live with it and stay aware of it but not become too fixated. I keep saying that I’m just sort of living with a baseline of anxiety right now. It’s better than acute. But I don’t know how long someone can live that way either. Baseline of anxiety. I just keep hoping that I still have room to heal and things will get better in the future... If Trev’s job gets better, if I get into grad school. Maybe grad school will be the fun/exciting experience I hope for. But I’m worried that I’m romanticizing it, like I do most things. Will I ever be able to have a normal job? When I imagine my future, I see clips of my life, like frames from a movie. Myself, dressed professionally, walking through a hallway. Myself, preparing my lunch. Catching the bus. The sound of my purse as I tighten it around a stack of files. My walk to work. The way my coffee mug feels in my hand as I walk on a chilly autumn day... I don’t imagine running into exes. I don’t imagine making small talk. I don’t imagine feeling like I have no idea what someone is talking about, or that I am so behind in so many subjects and I’ll never catch up. I don’t imagine it realistically. I imagine it nostalgically. And that’s what worries me...

Well anyway. I’m excited about our new apartment. Something new to feel nostalgic about. As I mentioned in a previous entry, we got approved for the apartment! So now we just have to pay the fees, and I need a note from my therapist saying Cash is an emotional support animal (bc it’s otherwise a no-dog building, and I’ve been needing to get this anyway -- although apparently legally there is no paperwork for this and I am not obligated to provide any paperwork, but I wanna stay on the good side of our future apartment manager so I’ve asked my therapist to provide me with some kind of documentation). Once I get that we’ll be all set. We can officially move in on the 15th, but we’ll likely move a few days later because we’ll be taking a weekend trip for our 11 year anniversary. :) 11 years. That’s real. :) Something REAL to feel nostalgic about now, something that is like a movie. Some happy moments really are real. It’s what keeps me going. I just hope I can keep building on these real happy memories.

#gradblr #actuallyautistic #grad school #gradschool #grad student #graduate school #masters #actually autistic #autistic #autism #atypical #neurodivergent #asd #aspie #aspergers #asperger's syndrome #diary #written #blog #written blog #friends #mental health #mental illness #gad #generalized anxiety disorder #depression #personal #anniversary

[wannawrite]

I Latte You Very Much

Wanna One’s Hwang Minhyun X Reader

Word count: 1761

• talented af barista! Minhyun like srsly he can do anything • your friend [ created character, Sujin ] suggested this new cafe • you now spend most of your time there…wonder why ;)

awwwww this one was adoraBLe I LOVED IT I HOPE YOU DO TOO ANON THANK YOU FOR REQUESTING. I’m sorry I only got it out like 3 weeks later :( i hate disappointing you guys still, thanks for showering us with love. We love you guys 💓

- admin L

PS: to be edited [ 8/8/2017 ] 

edited 11/8/2017 __________

The pen that was once in your hands landed with a soft thud on your workbook, uncapped. You had tossed it down with an irritated growl, upset about a certain mathematics equation that seemed simple enough to solve yet it had twisted you in circles for the past 10 minutes. It was driving you mad.

Just as you were about to give up studying as a whole, your best friend, Sujin seemed to sense your mood was off and called you.

“Hey!” She greeted enthusiastically before you had even said a word. “Remember that new… well two month old cafe everyone at school was talking about? The one with the insanely good coffee and really good looking baristas? I’m having trouble with homework too, want to meet there? Its like a 2 minute walk from your house anyways.”

“Uh, sure. Okay. Dress cute.” You mumbled, almost too tired for words but the prospect of good coffee AND cute boys made your feet move a little faster.

“Okay! See you then.”

Beep.

Your homework glared at you, the mountains of papers seemed to grow by the second. You had to finish them, this was a good chance. You were killing three… or four birds with one stone.

…

It was rather late when you arrived at the coffee shop but lucky for you, it was those kinds that stayed open until 2am. The lighting was rather dim and ambient around the seating area but you were almost blinded by the spotlights at the front of the shop.

However, if it weren’t for those lights, you wouldn’t have noticed the incredibly handsome barista who was currently taking an order.

His smile seemed to illuminate the room, his hair looked fluffy and softer than swan feathers. The man’s eyes twinkled as he beamed brightly.

You were stunned by his beauty to say the least.

So as to not seem like a freak, you forced your legs to move, to unroot from your spot in the middle of the entire shop to where Sujin sat, her table nearly hidden by books. The cafe was pretty crowded, she was lucky to be able to clinch a booth. You had a feeling the both of you were going to be here until closing time. College was hard work.

Sujin smirked as you approached, settling your things down beside her. She reached over and grabbed your forearm as you moved to take your wallet. “So, you think he’s cute?”

You furrowed your brow, faking confusion but she had been your friend for the longest time and saw right through your facade.

“Well, I don’t know much about him but his name is Minhyun. He’s in the music course with Sungwoon, he works here almost every day and yes, he is single.” She winked, taking a sip of her iced vanilla latte. It seemed to satisfy her tastebuds, that made you look forward to getting one too.

You blinked once, staring blankly at her. “I didn’t need that information though…What are you-”

“I saw the way you looked at him. Your heart jumped. Did it not?” Sujin smiled smugly. “Did it not? Hmm?”

A blush filled your cheeks as you bonked your wallet gently on her head, chuckling while trying to remain a calm composure. Now that you pondered about it, you had seem his handsome face sometimes in between classes. He must know Ha Sungwoon and Ong Seongwoo, two of your other friends in the music course.

Perhaps I could ask Sungwoon about him….

Shaking your head, you banished all the odd thoughts from your mind and walked forward into the queue. Sujin tapped away on her phone and you hoped she wasn’t texting Sungwoon or Seongwoo about Minhyun. If she did…you weren’t sure what would happen to her after you were done with her.

Sujin owes me a coffee. Ugh…should I get a strawberry cappuccino or a regular latte with requested foam art?

The customer in front of you ordered a iced matcha latte so you figured those must be pretty good.

“And… your name is?”

Oh my god, it was a place where they asked for your name. Sometimes I really hate this concept.

“Oh come on hyung, we live next door to each other,” the youth in front of you whined.

Minhyun laughed, scribbling down the boy’s name. “Okay, one iced green tea latte for Lee Daewhi. Hi, what can I get for you today?” He smiled at you.

You felt your steps falter as you approached the counter, it was suffocating to be in the presence of Minhyun’s beauty. On top of that, he seemed to have a nice and friendly personality.

“Uh…uh, um. What do you recommend?” You blurted out after a series of incoherent stuttering, your cheeks flushed red right after realisation hit you like a truck. “Sorry, that was so dumb of me.”

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it,” Minhyun reassured, he put his pen to his lips, deep in thought. “If you like tea I really recommend The Sunset which is pomegranate, mango and peach tea combined. Hmm…what Daewhi ordered is a personal favourite, especially with azuki beans and chocolate sauce. Uhh, my friends seem to like the macchiatos but Bae Jinyoung is in charge of making those today and I would advise against trusting him.” ( rmb when everyone felt played bc Baejin tricked all of them hehe ) Minhyun drummed his hands on the counter, lips pursing as he thought hard. “What about a secret menu drink?”

That caught your attention, you looked at him with wide eyes. “Really? You’d do that?”

Minhyun nodded. “Yeah, of course. I can hone my barista skills. Give me a minute or two. Jisung hyung!” Another man came running from the kitchen, drying his hands on his apron and taking over Minhyun’s job at the cashier. He winked at Minhyun suggestively causing the him to roll his eyes and shake his head.

“Thank you!” You called cheerfully as you watched Minhyun gather several ingredients, he smiled but didn’t take his focus off his task. The sweet gesture made you blush and your heart fluttered madly in your chest. It was such a random yet genuine offer. Your face didn’t cool down even after you returned to your seat despite how dim the lighting around there was. Sujin resorted to fanning your face lightly with a stack of worksheets as she giggled.

“Oh my god…oh my god……Y/N finally has a crush!”

…

You pressed your lips together, the sweet taste of the secret drink Minhyun had created still lingered on your tongue. You remembered how he had came up to your booth and asked for your name, bashfully, ears tinging pink before retreating back to the safety of his bar and hastily scribbling your name on a plastic cup. Sujin had found it adorable, she teased you all night long and it was hard to tolerate but at least you got through majority of your papers. Last night felt like a good dream but the washed plastic cup that sat on your nightstand with your name on it kept you in check.

It was around closing time when Sujin decided enough was enough and packed up despite your protests, she dragged you out of there insisting you had worked hard enough. Minhyun was nowhere to be seen and you sighed in disappointment but acknowledged the fact that he too needed his rest.

Buzz. Buzz.

9.23 am

Sujin: guess what ;) You: what Sujin: sungwoon says minhyun’s single but looking ard ;) You: k so? Sujin: damnit girl take ur chance Sujin: i think you two wld make a good couple You: thanks but no thanks

10 am Sujin: want to go out today? movies? You: wish i cld :((( but i need to finish my work Sujin: aww okie :( gd luck bby

Truthfully, you were going to spend the day at the coffee shop your cute barista worked at, studying of course.

…

“Hey! Uh, uh… Y/N! Secret drink girl, hello,” Minhyun greeted cheerfully when he spotted you entering the shop. “So? Are you up for another off menu surprise?”

You giggled, blushing as you hung your tote bag on your chair. There weren’t many people today, good.

“Surprise me,” you said, winking and surprising yourself at your boldness.

Minhyun seemed… shocked yet undaunted, he appeared to like you posing challenges. “Okay, no problem. Miss Y/N.” He smirked, turning away to form a new creation.

You too, spun away to face your books. The constant whirring and mixing of different machines kept you from concentrating, the sounds only added to the excitement and anticipation. You heard the telltale steps on Minhyun and pretended to be deep in thought when he placed the mug on your table with great precision. Your gaze met his.

“Hey, I hope you like it. By the way….we have never met formally, so, hello. I’m Hwang Minhyun. I think I’ve seen you hanging out with Ha Sungwoon?” He bowed slightly out of respect which you returned.

“Yes! Sungwoon and Seongwoo are my friends so I suppose you have seen me before. Thank you, my name is Y/N,” you replied albeit it was a lame one, you were glad you hadn’t tripped over your words. Your eyes widened when Minhyun slid into the seat across from you.

“It’s off peak right now and I think I should give Baejin a bit of experience. Let’s talk, you seem like a nice person,” he suggested, looking hopeful. “Wait, try the drink first.”

You took a sip, leaving a minor lipstick mark on the side of the mason jar mug. It was very satisfying to your tastebuds, the drink fulfilled every craving you had ever had for sugar. “Mhmm. It’s so good! I love it! Did you come up with it yourself?”

Minhyun shrugged modestly. “I mean, I was just experimenting with some of my roommates and they insisted it was delicious but I only offer it to special people.”

“You have to teach me something! This is like a need now!”

“Maybe,” he told you, batting an eye. “We’ll have to see. How about you give me a call one of these days.” Minhyun slid a small folded up piece of paper across the table, grinned and left without another word.

Your jaw dropped, speechless. Everything he did only deepened your crush on him. The butterflies in your stomach and happiness coursing through your veins weren’t from the boost of caffeine.

Perhaps it was more than that.

#wanna one #wanna one scenarios #produce 101 scenarios #produce 101 #hwang minhyun #kang daniel #ha sungwoon #ong seongwoo #bae jinyoung #lee daewhi #kim jaewhan #park jihoon #lai guanlin #yoon jisung #park woojin

[6ad6ro]

an explanation post and small update about that thing that recently happened with that one ex friend. just fyi, this is very long:

first, some backstory. i have an issue where i often end up staying in abusive relationships (friends/family/dating) for way too long for various reasons. that said, this friend. they were always problematic. they would continue aggressively making passes at me even tho i rejected them constantly. like really gross passes that reminded me of why i “hate (stereotypical) men”. bc it was real bro-style creeping. hitting on me incessantly. always hanging all over me and making any excuse to have physical contact. making gross innuendo “jokes” that went too far just… always. at one point they licked my ear when we were taking a photo together. etc.

now i confronted them on this many times. asked them to tone it down. explained how uncomfortable and stressed they made me. told them “i’m sorry but i just don’t feel that way and i wanna be friends” like god SO often. my sister (used to be friends w them too) even would sit and we’d try to explain to them why they needed to stop.

but of course, they’d always reply to this with extreme defensiveness. say i was just over thinking it. that this is just who they were. that they joke with ALL their friends this way (sidenote i’ve seen how squeamish they can make their other friends). that “maybe i should rethink my standards for what is okay and not okay”. would even accuse me of being paranoid and “gaslighting” them. even when it got better, they were always making little jokes like “oh srry i wanted to pat you on the back but idk if you’ll get mad at me” like they really wanted to let me know i was in the wrong. and beyond that, they always seemed to be like actively trying to find new avenues of hitting on me.

and that was just the personal space issues. they’d also like rage at games when we played together? like slamming my controller to the floor when they lost. being overly competitive. being rude to my other friends if they were “holding them back” in a game. they’d actually criticize people who didn’t agree with how they wanted to play as being “unskilled” and “not real gamers”. and if you ever were beating them, they’d be all angry and say stuff like you were being “ cheap”. any mistake they made in a game was “people cheating”. but any time they did well (including purposeful exploiting), it was a boast worthy achievement. trashtalk all day but only they were allowed to do it.

it was weird too bc TBH THEY AREN’T EVEN ALL THAT GOOD. like overall, i’d almost always beat them. my sister too. they were mediocre at best. but of course… they’d literally make statements like “i almost always beat you” and “i usually win” when it was just… such a rare occurrence. its just… when it came to trying to have a fun play session with people, they put the game and winning above… you know… having fun w the rest of us? and sidenote they were always SUPER picky about what game we played. and when it came to options like “what guns to use” or “what stage to play”… you know how often people take turns so everyone is happy? on their turn, they’d get respect. but on everyone elses turn, they’d always like… fuck around and change options back to theirs and like revert stuff and just…

not that age matters but did i mention they were 27. i mean idk i only bring it up bc they reminded me so much of a little kid like esp about videogames. but there were a lot of other issues with them too. but i’ll just bring up the last big one. they… morally/politically? they tended to be in a cool direction in general. v “supports human rights overall” kinda person. but… they were the type who were idk v quick to judge? they would make extreme judgement calls with no information. they’d always end up fixated on conspiracies rather than perceiving things with moderation. people can think what they want imo, but the issue here is how they needed anyone close to them to agree with them too? 

example: one time i was driving w them in an area that had very little shops and it was late and i had forgotten to pick up a gift for someone we were meeting. just a small thing to thank them for a favor. the ONLY store open and around was walmart. yes fine walmart sucks but  idk i needed a gift. i mentioned i was gonna stop by there and they were like “no not walmart”. and i’m like “yeah i know lol” and they were like “no seriously we cant go in there”. long story they refused to go in, wouldn’t wait in the car, and made it out like if i went in that there would be a big problem. i ended up showing up to the person empty handed and it sucked. another time just recently i was gonna get some lays potato chips and they were like “ew no you can’t buy anything from the cocacola company” and like shamed me and walked off so i couldn’t get them. idk this kinda stuff happens all the time tbh? but it doesn’t stop at just like pretentious annoyance. they’d go HARD with political opinions too and if you disagreed w them they’d HATE you. not just internet forums or strangers. but friends. one time my sister (who for the sake of the story is pan and leaning towards non-binary) disagreed with them when they made a sweeping statement on fb about how some specific thing made everyone “transphobic”. anyways when my sister tried to discuss it with them they literally sicked their friends on her and insulted and browbeat her until she just had to leave. she got stressed at the end and yelled back finally and then they sent her a pm like “i’m really disappointed in you. i’ll be waiting for an apology when you’re ready to give it”. lol long story short my sis dropped them at that point. as she put it “i thought highschool was over”. she was already super mad at them for how they were treating me sexually anyhow tho like... srry but i guess one of my points is my sister is like one of the coolest, nicest, best people i know. she never drops people. but she dropped THEM. over the years i’ve asked them why they go from 0 to 11 so fast and why they don’t... idk... “lead” people into agreeing with them rather than angrily and violently just immediately demanding it? and as they put it “people with strong opinions will never change so don’t bother with them” and “i act how i do as an example to others of how to be a good person”. but god i guess just recently i came to realize that they were just... i don’t think they cared about other people. they just wanted to protect THEMSELVES above all else? they wanted a reason to judge people. it was all an excuse for them to feel self-righteous and act entitled and superior. oops i forgot to mention that they’re pan and gender-neutral as well? maybe they identify as trans but idk. the only reason i mention it is bc they definitely use it as a way to shame people and feel superior. i know it’s easy to be sensitive about that stuff considering, but they go above and beyond. and it’s weird that they’re all about human rights and w/e bc GOD they’re so gross sexually and... srry another example. so they’re a furry. totally fine imo. but one day we were walking around a downtown area with a lot of bars late at night and they were wearing fox ears/tail and bein themselves nbd. but we passed by a “drunkbus” right as cookie-cutter bros spilled out of it. one of them was like “hey i didn’t know the furry convention was in town” and i immediately got super angry and turned to say something. but then i looked to see my friend had just continued to walk away? i took a breath and walked back to them and was like “i’m so sorry like do you want me to say something?” and they were like “it’s okay some day i’ll fuck them until they like it” or “until i turn them” or god idk i think they maybe even used the term “rape”... alarm bells tbh. blahh i won’t go into any more details but lets just say how they act and how they say a person SHOULD act is a dictionary definition of hypocrisy. well anyways, i guess my point i wanted to make with this backstory is, as i’ve finally come to realize... they’re an immature, self-righteous, spoiled person with a pretty distinct martyr complex. and they’re kinda rapey. they always used to complain about all this drama they had and how awful everyone was to them... and it always sounded like “really bad luck”? but i realize now that they were just a tornado of selfishness with like no emotional control and they couldn’t keep friends for too long before it just had to end in a big flaming ball. sorry like i should point out i know they’re obv full of mental illness... but i don’t think they really go to therapy or seek help for any of it? like so many of us on here are pretty messed up but we do our best? this person is not doing their best. they clearly feel the world should change before they do. anyways anyways anyways. this friendship lasted for idk 2 years? 3? it was weird that i didn’t notice my own reactions as warning signs. like when i don’t know someone too well or am having issues... i’ll often bring another friend to hangouts as a sort of buffer. maybe uncool, but it helps. usually this only lasts for like one or two hangouts. but with this ex friend, it lasted the entire period. whenever i tried to hang out w them alone, a much bigger incident would always happen, and i’d go back to square one. but okay. the actual story of the incident: so i was always trying to get them to hang out with me and another friend bc i felt like we all had v similar hobbies, and this past tuesday it finally happened. we all hung out at other friend’s place and played games and ate food and outside of exfriend’s usual little issues, it went really well. at some point it was mentioned that sonic mania released that day. it was something we had all been very excited about, but we already had plans that day and some of us (me) didn’t want to experience the game the first time in a distracted social environment. but i mentioned “ugh i have a doc appointment early tomorrow but i’ll still dl it right when i get home. i better not play it tho lol weh”! when they heard i was buying it, they were like “oh man you gotta let me come over and try it”. i knew they were a big fan of the guy who made it and a huge sonic fan, but also that they had just lost their job and money was tight (i had to buy their food that day). i had a feeling they’d morally be against pirating it temporarily until they could afford it. so idk i was like “hey listen as long as we only play like the first act each, i could take you to my place before i drive you home. but only if you’re okay with being v quick bc i have dr in the morning”. sidenote they refuse to drive and don’t use a bike so hanging out with them always involved carting them around. and no before they lost their job (v recently), they coulda def afforded it. they literally were constantly buying insanely expensive collectibles like think of the most expensive gaming stuff you can and they prob have it. sealed panzer dragoon saga. vectrex with every game. fami twin with working disc system parts. ique with most games loaded. mint physical laserdisc copy (beta?) of dragons lair from the arcade machine. whatever. my point is they spent all their money on toys instaid of bettering themselves. we all do it but they took it to an extreme. one other thing... they only would communicate over their parent’s lan line phone and over facebook. they refused to have a cellphone. back to story. they excitedly agreed to my conditions and we went back to my place and installed the game. i started playing and god it was amazing (obv)! i got to the end of act 1 in a couple of minutes and was like “okay i should rly quit and hand it to you” but they were like “no no finish the zone” and tbh it was so good i agreed. so i played until i beat the boss and then i was like “okay i can’t go further” and quit and then handed it to them. i think the whole zone took me like... 5 minutes? this is when it started getting weird. i noticed my gf had called and like idk she was a bit worried bc i normally call her after i get home from my other friend’s place (we hang every tuesday like clockwork) and it had gotten really late but i forgot to let her know. it was really sweet and i didn’t want her to worry so i was like “hey uh shoot do you mind if i call her?” and tbh they were like already so absorbed in playing the game they weren’t even paying attention to me. but i had given them the rly comfy chair but it blocked the exit to the room. i couldn’t even squeeze by unless they moved first. so i started like asking them ‘hey uh do you mind pausing and moving so i could get by?”... nothing. again i asked. ignored. this went on for like idk 30 sec? a minute? until i finally was like hovering my finger over to hit the pause button like “can you please just pause so i can leave” like... and only then did they finally say “well fine but i don’t even know how to pause”. let me take the time to point out that they are prob the most techy person i know. esp about old game systems. they build flashcarts and repair ancient consoles and solder and mod and they worked the past 4(?) years at a legit retro game store. and they were amazing to begin with. it’s a small thing, but they coulda figured out how to pause a switch. they’d played one many times before too. so finally i have them pause it. and i’m like still standing there for 30 sec or so and they still aren’t budging? and i’m like “you uhh gotta get up so i can get by the chair is blocking me”. they continue to idk ignore??? i finally have to literally pick up the chair WITH them still in it and move it aside. only then could i pass. idk but i didn’t get angry or anything bc i was just relieved to finally get by. as i walked out of the room i mentioned to them “hey if i take too long just keep playing obv but when i walk in please pause it and quit immediately so i don’t see later level content plz” (i’m a big baby and have been avoiding all details for so long and was looking forward to the surprise lol). and they were like “okay” or something. i went out to my car and talked w my gf for god idk 15 or 20 min? i didn’t want to talk that long but she was going to bed soon and was a bit down/ill and i still wanted to talk to her and idk i knew worst case my one friend would love the extra time to play. and i felt like if i stayed out that long i could go in to a very satisfied friend, you know? so i get off the phone and head inside. i enter the room and am like “okay i’m back plz pause it like we gotta go”! ignored. i ask again kinda lol trying to plug my ears and not look. ignored. at that point i notice the same song from the first zone is playing and i look over and it is in fact the same level and i’m like ??? “wait how are you still on the first level??” and they were like “oh i’m completing all of the special stages”. the first thought i had was like oh wow cool they really wanted to stick to my initial request of only playing the first zone? unnecessary but v nice of them! i guess i was really reaching for an explanation lol... so whatever they still are playing so i sit down next to them and am watching them play for another minute or so. i was about to say something bc they still weren’t stopping but then i notice how close they are to the boss and am like “oh okay cool you’re p much to the boss so you’ll be done super quick”. they keep playing. at that point i notice they’;re like... taking sonic up and around the level kinda in circles? and backtracking? like? it’s really weird and i’m like “wait what are you doing” and they’re like “trying to get rings to complete the special stages”... so i’m like “uhh sorry tbh but i’m already way past when i wanted to go to bed is there any way you can just... go to the boss”?? and they’re still doing their thing and ignoring me and so i speak up again like “cmon like i’m really sorry but this doctors appointment is an obligation and i really need to get to bed”. and at that point they pause the game. stand up angrily. kinda fling the controller so it hits the table and falls onto the hard floor. they start kinda flailing their arms angrily and say in this really sour tone “oh im sorry i just thought you were gonna idk let me PLAY the GAME”??? i start replying like “listen i’m sorry i just like i don’t have a choice in the matter like i have to go to bed like you had like 3 times as much time as i did and idk maybe you can take the switch into the car or something idk??” and they just kinda angrily say “whatever whatever just stop yelling at me”. btw i’m not yelling. i’m definitely definitely not yelling. i’m not even angry. calm. nice. confused at best? and this isn’t one of those things where it’s like “im not yelling bc when i yell you really KNOW it”... i just wasn’t yelling by anyone’s terms. at that point i’m like “listen i’m sorry i just don’t know why this is becoming such an issue like idk maybe you can wear headphones in the car and keep playing later levels or...” and that’s when they’re like “it doesn’t matter just STOP yelling at me”. and the chair is in the way of the exit and needs to be like lifted and moved so we can leave. but at that point they take their foot and just KICK the chair across the room. at that point i’m kinda like “listen i’m sorry if i have a tone in my voice or am hurting your feelings but tbh it’s kinda hard to remain perfectly calm when you’re sorta throwing a temper tantrum and..” and that’s when they shouted as loud as they could “OKAY NOPE UH UH BYEEE” and swung open the door and ran through the house to the exit door. i’m trying to call after them like “shit i’m really sorry but i don’t have time to chase after you i gotta go to bed please can i just take you home like if you leave i gotta just let you and go to bed” and they ignore me and run outside. it’s like 2am at this point btw. i kinda go outside to check if they’re standing there cooling down but no. long gone. ran down the street i think. so i go back inside. turn the light out. and lock the door. i just dont have time to deal with this. i want to but i can’t. but i sit there for a few minutes. and... (maybe) the mentally ill/abused side of me is like “well you COULD go look for them and try to calm them down and drive them home and it wouldn’t take THAT much longer than you were gonna already spend driving them, right? worst case if you don’t find them you can just go home and go to bed”. and so i head outside.as i enter my car tho, i get this weird gut awful feeling of deja vu? i realise pretty quickly that this scenario was pretty similar to the ones i had pretty regularly with my one really bad ex gf. the one who was a manipulative sociopath that used me and cheated on me and also had no emotional control etc etc etc lol? and idk i was surprised bc... i thought that this part of my life had been over. but still... the dumb side of my brain ignored that and carried on. i drove along the path i assumed they walked, thinking maybe they woulda taken the time to calm down. after a bit i finally caught up to them. i pulled up slowly and kinda called out like “hey i’m really sorry like i never wanted it to go down that way like you’re my friend like let me take you home i’m really sorry”. they ignored me for a bit and kept doing that angry car walk thing as i had to slowly follow behind and continue apologizing. finally they stopped and came to the window. they were like “listen you can’t talk to me like that and abuse me like that like what you did was so awful and bullying and ..” and went on like that for a min. and i was like “listen i’m sorry and i know me using that one word in particular must have really set you off but idk..” like trying to explain to them why i said “temper tantrum” (BC THATS WHAT THEY FUCKING HAD BTW THATS WHAT IT GD WAS) but i was trying to be nice about it? so i continued on “well i mean the reason i said that was okay like i know you were agitated but you kinda like tossed my controller haphazardly and it hit the floor and yeah i’m sure it was an accident...” and at that point they stuck their head inside the window like super close to my face and shouted as loud and angrily and full of spittle as they fucking could “WELL MAYBE IT WAS A FUCKING ACCIDENT THEN”!!!! i’m like... idk... adrenaline just dumps into my body. i’m giving this person so so so many chances tonight. being so nice. and this is a problematic friend to begin with. and they’re shouting in my face like this as i try to apologize to them so i can drive them home after they ran off. but i’m a pacifist and i try to avoid conflict. but still... i’m like, probably quietly, “you... you can’t just yell at me like that. you aren’t allowed to yell at me like that.” and they open their mouth and start shouting more. and that’s when i shout back “I WON’T LET YOU SHOUT AT ME LIKE THAT”!!! idk if it scared them or what like i know i’m pretty booming and alarming when i shout idk but regardless they yanked their head out of the window and backed away from the car and i split second checked they were clear and i just floored it. but... i quickly slammed on the breaks. took a breath. decided i didn’t want it to be like this (do you see how stupid/messed up i am). i put it in reverse and turned around to back up. but i have to slam on the breaks. thank god i was only idling at that point. bc they’re pressed RIGHT up against my back bumper. i’m trying to comprehend all this bc there’s a v big sidewalk and they were on it when i started to speed off so why are they right behind my car now? a BIG alarm bell goes off in my head but i ignore it. i stare at them as they wait pressed against my bumper for like half a minute, giving them “what are you doing” eyes and gestures. finally they come back to the window. i’m like “listen. i’m really really sorry. it’s okay if you hate me. we don’t have to talk about it or at all. i made a mistake. i’m very sorry. can i just... take you home? i feel bad. we can try and work out this stuff later if we have to”. at that point they start yelling at me again (not screaming but just normal yelling) and telling me how awful and bullying and abusive etc i am and how their reactions were justified and idek bc they started walking off again. FINALLY. FINALLLLLY. my brain accepts this situation as fairly impossible and unreasonable and i decide i gotta be done. i just... can’t? anymore?? even if i wanted to... i don’t have time? so i pull up next to them and say sternly “you know what? you can’t treat your friends like this or they will LEAVE you.” and i sped off. i think i heard them screaming after me like “YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE” but god knows like my car is junk but i had floored it so they were long gone. okay so that’s PRETTY much the end of it. i decided pretty quickly after that that i was DONE with this person forever. that this wasn’t the kind of friendship i wanted. over the next few days i came to realize i should have been done with this person almost immediately. again, weird parallels to my worst ex. you don’t have to be dating someone or romantic w them for it to be a super abusive relationship. well anyhow i decided to avoid facebook or communicating w them for a bit so i could figure out how to like “officially end it”. because i was sure that they’d have gone on fb and written one of their common “i’m sorry i acted that way BUT” fake apologies where they pretend to be sorry but then negate the apologies by justifying all their behavior by making me out as some super abusive monster. 3 days later, i bite the bullet and check facebook, bc i realize this also is a pretty easy way for me to like... end it with them in a polite and cordial way? to pretend i don’t hate them. to talk to them in a way that hopefully keeps them from freaking out at me the next time our paths cross? also bc deep down i still do remember the good times and have a bit of respect for them. sure enough, it was there. the half-apology that leads into “you need to learn how to talk to people”. “you bullied me just like this person”. “when you talk to anyone you should use this tone”. tbh i only barely glazed over it. i started my reply along the lines of “i don’t want to get into a big discussion about what happened, but i think it would be best if we parted ways. i don’t think we’re compatible as friends. i hope we can be polite if we ever run into each other again. i’m really sorry that it turned out this way.” etc etc etc. part way in, i noticed their last short msg. sent way after the initial bunch of “sorry not sorry”s. it was just a half sentence. “i guess i should apologize for jumping in front of your car...” ... THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE. THAT BASTARD. THEY REALLY DID IT. THEY REALLY WERE TRYING TO FORCE ME TO INJURE THEM WITH MY CAR SO THEY COULD ENTRAP ME OR SUE ME OR FUCK MY LIFE UP. I THOUGHT I WAS BEING CRAZY AND PARANOID WHEN I HAD THAT THOUGHT BUT IT WAS TRUE. THAT ABSOLUTE LUNATIC. *deep breath* i’m still shaken. it was just a fluke that i didn’t step on the gas before i noticed them against my bumper. it EASILY could’ve gone down in the worst way. god. and all this over me asking them to stop playing sonic mania. tbh the experience kinda soured the game a bit for me? i mean... thank god it’s so good but really who even gives a shit bc it’s just a game like GOD fucking DAMN i can’t believe i had something so FUCKED happen at this stage in my life. i know it’s a really self-hating thing to do to blame myself for having someone like that around but... my. god. i ended up sending the fb message that i was initially planning and ignoring all the impulses to scream at them or call some authority (idek what i could do here) or tell them they need immediate help or what bc what the fuck. and i haven’t checked fb since. i wanna be done forever. i don’t ever wanna see or hear or hear about this person again. it’s a bit silly but i’m cleaning house and getting rid of all the stuff they got for me (i rejected most of their “wooing” gifts but a few still got through bc general gift exchange”. i know it’s messed up but i even washed all the clothes i was wearing w them regardless if it needed a wash or not. maybe it was symbolic. but they’re dead to me. god. it’s not just for the best it’s goddamn mandatory.

ANYWAYS so that’s it i guess. sorry i know how long this was. i don’t REALLY expect anyone to read through all this. but if you do, plz lmk so i can say thanks i guess lol? it’s just nice to get it all out there bc it kinda messed me up... really bad? idk. and oh um i’ll still reply to people individually for asking about the previous post that related to this? but it’s taking me a bit to do replies bc i’m just... kinda scared regarding social stuff rn considering.  i guess the last thing i’ll say is if part of you is telling yourself that someone is abusive and you find yourself constantly making really big considerations or umm excuses just to hang out with someone? maybe don’t. there are many good people out there for you. abusive people can be dangerous. be careful and try to surround yourself with nice, happy people. <3

#personal #long #toxic

[miallday]

✨2019✨ Jan.-July.

wow. You were a hard year, but you had a great ending to it.

January: I let go of my toxic relationship of 5 years. I let go of his entire family. We ended on a bad note.. pretty much all of them. Sarah and I had an awful fight. I was angry during one of my conversations with Maia. I was so hurt. I remember I was also broke. Like I had less than $100. I went through all my savings for 6 months. I am so blessed I was able to pay all my bills.. all on my OWN. I moved out from my apartment, separating myself from those familiar faces and became a live in nanny. I started school again.. from scratch. I went to school and worked, but I was still broke since I didn’t get paid. I lived off the 200$ a month from my church job. I wanted my head shaved. This is an easy decision. It had been over a year of thought. Jacob was so kind to do it for me. That was the first time I wore his clothes. I liked it. That was also the first time I slept on his bed. I was scared, I didn’t sleep well that night. But waking up that morning it made me happy. I was ok. Now I’m just bald. Yikes. But I liked the wig look... until hair started growing in. In the month of January I began praying to God so much. I remember one night I spoke to God and asked him to show me what to do. Show me the Autrys true colors. To show me the cards. Lay them on the table. Later on that month I had a dream giving me the answers. Time to let go. Jacob called me telling me about Shonté getting this chicks # and stuff and she looked just like Stefany. Jacob came to my rescue again. Jacob, Marcus and I went out that night. I remember it was the first week living at carols. My first Friday night out!! To zen! I’m 21! It was so fun! Jacob suggested putting my phone on airplane mode and the next day I ended everything with Shonté. He told me to go fuck myself... then texted me saying “ i dont know when but one day I will show you that I love you” lol... that’s the “love” I had for 7 years. (5 + the 2 we were talking.) wow. I wish none of that happened. I am embarrassed of it all. I had no self love at all. I didn’t know what love was. I was trying to find love in all the wrong places. I look back and I wish I could just hug my younger self. I am so glad I am out of that. ALL of it. I was in so much pain. I am thankful for Jacob. I really am, but I am also so proud of myself for finally choosing myself and my happiness. I put myself first for once in my life.

February: I wanted to ignore the hurt that I was feeling. I regret ever talking to justin. I shouldn’t have done it. I knew it was wrong. I didn’t want him to kiss me. I wanted to move my head, but I was lonely. I’m sorry. I knew you loved me since the 7th grade. It was nice catching up on life. We may have been best friends but Sam really did take you away from Zahria and I for years. I tried to tell you that we were just talking. I knew I didn’t want more, I’m sorry for going along with those conversations. I shouldnt have sexted you. I shouldn’t have made out with you in your car. I led you on. I am so sorry. It was wrong. I was lonely and I thought maybe our long friendship must mean maybe there could be more. But you were too much for me. You took me to meet your whole family on our first date. I spoke to everyone of course, but you continuously asked “are you having fun”. Ugh Justin I missed my friend. I hated when we were in the car stopped at a red light you’d want to kiss me over and over and over. I’d say stop & you wouldn’t. I didnt want this. I could never love you the way you needed to be loved. I am so happy you found someone, but Apart of me regrets losing my guy bestfriend since middle school, but after all that happened it’s too late. You became clingy and told me you loved me too fast. It was only a month. & you’d say it so often. You made me feel suffocated. I didn’t have that love connection with you. It was TOO much for ME. You’d call me every night around 7/8pm and you keep talking until 1am. I’d get frustrated bc I’m serious about my sleep. I’d say bye and you would somehow find another topic. So I even told you to give me space. While you were blowing up my phone I was sleeping next to Jacob in his bed, getting high and doing acid with him. Nothing happened ever, but you never knew. You just knew I was there. That’s how I knew I didn’t want this.. I could never commit to you. I knew you weren’t it. I wanted to be around Jacob more than I ever wanted to talk to you. And I’m sorry. This one day before work I walked up to a church and I sat down on their bench outside. It was like 8pm and I spoke to God. I asked him to show me if you were meant to be in my life.. not to long later God showed me the answers. The fact that after I went to visit Jenn for her birthday and Jacob mentioned who she saw him marrying I knew it was me but I was afraid I would be right and things would get awkward. But somehow Jacob smoothly brought up our pact by 30 if we were still single we’d get married and I was ok with that. Or when we did acid that day I was making a floor angel.. before we fell asleep I told you I didn’t mind being with you if by 30 we didn’t have anyone. My heart was with Jacob before I even knew.

March: Jacob and I began hanging out. During my spring break we went out to eat. We drank. I got high from brownie crumbs you shared with me. We drank. In the Uber I leaned on you and I dosed off, but you put your hand on my leg. I felt it but with you I wanted you to keep you hand there. We got to his place and we talked about tattoos. You even helped me decide what to do with mine and then we ended up wrestling. It was fun. Nothing more. That whole week we hung out. I went to go visit you in pentagon city. We texted daily. Anyways, Wednesday March 13 you kissed me. A couple days before I had a feeling something would happen between us. I was in shock that you kissed me. I dont know, I just never put mind to it. I accepted you for who you were, but I always turned my head bc I knew your body count. I am sorry for judging you. I did accept you, but that kept me from looking at your direction the whole time we were friends. I dont know if that sounds shitty of me. There was also something going on between you and Zahria and I really didn’t like it. In all honesty I didn’t want to give her your number the first time. Back in cityside. Big yikes. Anyways. I liked you. I liked how it felt when you kissed me. I wanted to know if you’d kiss me again. Then next morning you kissed me and said “does that answer your question.” So cute. From this moment I told Justin to let me go and find someone else. I didn’t want to waste his time. I wanted to do things right. For St.Patricks day Jacob invited me out to DuPont circle! This parents were there. That night was fun. Jacob and I clicked in a different way. We were out together. I held his hand for the first time outside. I also called him bby. There was a connection. I remember that night pretty clearly. Anyways, Jacob & I had sex like a week later. I wanted to. I wanted you. I wanted you since my 20th birthday. On acid I looked at you when I was laying on my bed and I literally said I wanna fuck him but I knew that was wrong of me to think that. I wasn’t scared the first time we did it. It was definitely better than my first time lol. And it was mutual and we were sober. That.. helps me.. in all honesty. All the time I think of that and I smile. The next day.. oof it was the first time I ever had good sex. It was hard having sex with you for a while after that though. I really felt like I lost my virginity. It was rough for a while. I am so lucky. I was always embarrassed but you helped me feel better. I’m sorry for bleeding on you. I really appreciate you comforting me every time... you are so sweet. I remember that following day you took me over to your parents house. That was my first time there. He brought me to his parents house ASAP. I met Shonté’s family 3 years later and that’s because I came over during Christmas break and his parents decided no one should spend Christmas alone in another state. Yeah I was literally going to stay at his dads apt alone if his parents didn’t want me to come. Yikes. You obviously really did like me. Don’t worry I can’t wait until you meet my brother and my nephews. My nephews are my treasure, so you are very special!!! I remember the last day of March.. March 31st we went on our first date!! No ones ever gone all out for me like that... I was speechless. You took me to the fish market. You got a small bowl of clam chowder and I got fish and chips. We walked down king street and we went to go see Kai. You paid for our tickets to get on the ferry. I’ve never been on that one!! It was cold but there was a beautiful view. We got to NH and we passed by a spicy sauce store. We still have to go there!!!! Then we got on the Ferris wheel. I had so much fun with you. The first time I went on it I didn’t have much of a good time. So thank you for giving me a better memory!!💗

April: Jacob called me his girlfriend over text. I remember I completely ignored it. You pointed it out and I told you I wasn’t your girlfriend until you ask me. I’m glad I stood up for myself. I wanted you to know I am different. April 12 we woke up super early and took acid. We spent the whole trip in bed binge watching breaking bad. I love that. Later that night you casted a slideshow for me. That’s when you asked me out. I found it so cute and I loved the effort you made to ask me to be your girlfriend. I went and got tested this month. I was scared tbh. I wish I would have been smarter and asked Jacob some more serious questions before having sex without a condom. But when we had sex I was okay with it, i could have said no put one on but i really wanted to know what you actually felt like too. & I loved it. I could never go back. Well unless I find those vibrating condom thing. We gotta try. But anyways. I didn’t have peace of mind until my dr. called. I don’t mean to judge. But I’m glad all is good. School was going well! I was working on my website. I was nannying and teaching Jonah Spanish on thursdays. I was also making $ in the side with Sophie, and Guy& Coleman as well as the church! I was productive... you see.. not smoking weed.. I was sober. This is why I’m harder on myself. I could be doing more. Anyways. April was a good month.

May: In May I finished my spring semester!! I took 5 classes. All A’s and B’s. I worked SO hard. I remember I stayed up all night until 4am studying my history notes. Over and over and over. Took a 2 hour nap and went to school. Took my finals and had to hurry and pick up Jonah for tutoring. It was so nice to go out to eat for dinner that day. I was proud of myself. I finessed my communications professor to bring my grade from a B to an A. It took some convincing but he did it. He gave me those extra points. I went home for Mother’s Day. This was wonderful... 2019 I finished paying off to install my moms tombstone. And my brother and I went to see her for Mother’s Day. We got her a bouquet of red roses. Her favorite! It was nice even though my brother was a total dick to me on that 40 minute Uber ride. Zahria didn’t hang out with me this weekend and I was very upset about that. She was mad that I was going to see Michael. Michael and I still speak tbh. Mostly about drugs and life. I was always a real friend to him since freshman year. But now I understand where she was coming from. Jacob and I would FaceTime each other at night now & fall asleep. So cute. I went back home and it took sometime to be okay again. That toxic, negative energy back home is some serious shit. Summer semester started and I only took one class for 6 weeks!!

June:

Pride was so much fun. I wish I went the second day, but I had school and work on Monday. I didn’t want to be out late on a Sunday. But I really had a great time. Too bad I’m so awkward. This is the month Jenn was helping me speak up to Carol and Aaron about the contract. I was terrified. THAT WAS HARD FOR ME. That was so hard for me. But I did it. I spoke to them about it and I decided the best decision was to move out. It’s crazy bc at this time I found my love for champagne. I was drinking so much of it. Tbh that’s how I gained so much weight. Alcohol!!!!!! Anyways. I was sitting in Jacobs closet and he came to talk to me. We talked about what happened and you brought up if I wanted to move in with you. I said yes. So I gave my decision. They didn’t want to give me any money. I would get $200 a month for food if I worked more hours from the morning. As well as no summer tutoring so I would have to readjust my hours on the weekends and I wasn’t about it. So I cleaned up my room. They wanted me out ASAP. Marcus and Jacob helped me moved half my stuff. The other half Aaron helped. They weren’t in a good mood that days Carol gave me a hug though and told me she loves me. I closed another chapter. I was nervous and worried to move in with Jacob but it wasn’t too bad.

July: Jacob always tries his best to make me feel welcomed. He moved his desk over and gave it to me. He moved his shelf and fridge to make more space. You were okay with me taking the closet. You never once complained. You were okay that I had a lot of things. I was so worried about it all, but you always comfort me. I started working with Andrea. It was a blessing answered from God. I remember telling Jacob I wanted to take care of another 3 month old again.. and then Bradley came along. That baby brought me a ton of happiness whereas Jackson gave me headaches 🤣 I felt good. I was in school. I was making money. I was also babysitting Cora a lot. I made a little over $500 in 3 days. I saw Guy & Coleman. Jacob, Marcus and I went to Dave & busters. I had a lot of fun. I love that wizard of oz machine. I also came across this letter I wrote for myself back in 2016. I was suppose to wait until 2021, but I read it anyways. Wow I accomplished a couple things in there, but the way I saw my life planned was SO WRONG. hahah. I went and renewed my cpr license. The instructor was tough. I was afraid she wouldn’t pass me. I was doubting myself but I had studying. It was just a lot of pressure. I am so proud of myself for passing and I have a renewed certificate now. I ended the month saying goodbye to the Barhydt’s. They moved back to MA.

#personal #mydays

[theconfessionsofanoverthinker]

My boyfriend pt 1

Wow, how do I want to start? I want to really get into it so I can have fresh vivid images and feelings and true thoughts and re-encounter how amazing it really was. Oh my gosh I can’t even fully describe what’s going on. I love this kid, I really do have love for him already. I’m going to do my best. Okay do I’ll come back in pt 2 with actual dates and stuff but I’ll jump right into the beginning. I had recently cut off this crazy ass guy that I met on Tinder and I’m like ok fuck it let’s try this again. I was getting so bored I swear tinder was soo ugly I couldn’t even hold conversations with half of those guys. And then I came across Charlie, ugh he was just so adorable. The obvious caught my eye, nice cars, nice eyes, nice hair, nice clothes. And WEED. And he was 21? How could I ask for more? And I had literally fallen for him by the time we matched, I think I waited maybe a day or less before I just shot my shot. I said “sheeeesh” with a few heart eye emojis and he said something like “Look at you”, and I just died. Was it too good to be true already? What was the catch? Fake acc??? Dude I don’t even know, but I was quick to gtfo of Tinder and asked for his snapchat, which went well. He sent me a selfie at one point when talking and all was fine, I really wanted to hang out with him because I suck at replying and I didn’t want to lose this chance and fuck it up by having out convo go dead. I had already told so many people about him too it was so crazy I was really getting my hope up for this guy. I mentioned him to my coworker Christiane, my siblings, Dora! And here I am, dating him??? He’s my man, my boyfriend, he’s mine. But it was a little challenging at first, I wanted to meet up on the weekend but he’s 21 so he was out doing 21 things w his friends of course. He went to ugly ass Darna and the MGM both places I can’t go to smh. Anyways, he’s definitely flirting with me as we’re talking, and I just kept mentioning that we should hang out. I asked him to come over and he actually said yes ?? oh bruh, he pulled up and was v cute. He was wearing a black shirt and jeans, I was wearing a long sleeve t shirt and shorts since we were just cooling it at my house I didn’t want to look like I was trying too hard. I was actually so shook like omg, I went and told my mom that I was having a friend over and then yeah ((((: She was iffy of course, and one of the first things he said was that my room was “comfy” and it’s funny just last night he mentioned that he was relieved that I didn’t smell like basic bitch. Which is basically like VS but I’m on the other boat of basic at Bath and Body works lmaooo, he’ll find out later though. It’s funny because I do want to get into nicer perfumes anyways, so it’s good timing. Continuing, we were drinking Patron as our first drink omg. Only a few shots and they were half shots because he was driving far back home and he had gone to a bar beforehand. It’s crazy because we totally vibed together and I knew we both felt it, like we were feeling each other but at the same time I we could’ve been cool ass friends. And I’m glad that we have a bff feeling relationship, like that’s my mf boyfriend but that my mf mans too. He literally gives me diarrhea of the mouth, and as someone that can never stop talking it’s crazy to think that I could talk anymore than I already do without not being able to breath between words. At the same time my mind gets jumbled up and I lose my train of thought and I don’t know what to say. Some things just jump out and others just take so long to formulate and I second guess it but even when I cross reference stories and get lost Charlie always reminds me what the whole point of the conversation was. Charlie. Charlie. Charlie. Good luck Charlie, Charlie and Lola? Charlie is literally so gorgeous, even though he might be wearing colored contacts lmfaoo. And it’s funny bc this other hoe ik wears them so I subtweeted and I wonder if he thinks it’s about him. I love him for appreciating my little butt and my little boobs. See how I keep getting distracted, I can’t even tell our story bc he’s so great and all his little details excite me a lot. Ok so we hung out and he didn’t even kiss me or try to do much but he did flirt with me I think? I couldn’t even tell if he was being friendly or not.  The next time we hung out we drank again, and same thing. It was nice we cooled it but nothing big. As soon as he asked for my number though, I KNEW he was fucking w me. And then I think that it was the 3rd time I copped us coke, and it honestly sucks that my memory is so hazy. Especially with someone that I care about so much and such significant moments, I wish I could remember everything. I wish I could relive it and remember. That’s why this blog is so important to me, I need to remember the good because it seems that only bad and traumatic moments stick to me and cling to my mind. I remember being on my couch and just leaned over and he kissed me and I just exploded. I wish I could remember what I was wearing, what show was on the TV, what time and day it was. I’ll investigate but there’s only so much information I can gather. I don’t want him to know that my mind is burnt as much as it is, I don’t want Charlie to think that something’s wrong with me. And looking back at out 1 month of talking and me falling for him, all I do is talk and talk and I probably seem mildly crazy and self centered. This is not my world, and these people aren’t just living in it. I don’t even know much about him, he’s gonna come over today and I’m going to just ask him everything and stfu. I wish I wasn’t so me, me, me all the fucking time. It’s probably so noticeable and ugly. My fucking baby. I am SO happy he is mine like wow I want him to feel appreciated. I want him to feel good, and I want him to be so happy to be with me and say I’m his girlfriend too. UGH I just missed a good writing opportunity just now while Kukuwa went to lunch. I have a new motivation and yeah it’s to look good for myself but it’s also to look good for my boyfriend, I can only wear so much make up and jewelry. My true looks, frizzy hair, fat stomach, and flat ass will always peek out no matter how I dress it up. I need to work on it, I can’t be out with a cute ass guy like him and not look like a bad ass bitch. So far we’ve been to the movies together, and the fair. But those are separate stories, and this will literally go on forever and ever. I wanted to write every detail I could possibly remember, and I can’t wait to add things to our scrapbook, it’s going to be so lit. He’s motivated me to stay more financially stable so that I can sustain us both, so we can have fun and can continuously have a nice time. I want to go everywhere, I want to go on trips and go see the world and have real adventures with my love. Fall is coming up and we’re going to do the whole sha-bang, I want to go to the pumpkin patch, horror fest at Kings Dominion, I want to dress up as something doesn’t have to match or anything. I want to take corny ass photos, and I REALLY want to carve pumpkins. I want to be able to get naked and let you love me, to embrace me and to kiss me everywhere. I want to be able to feel good and confident in front of my boyfriend. I recently got some new products hopefully they can help with the new scars bumps and the old scars, I feel like it’s going to take forever but I hope it’ll go quick. I need to start taking my vitamins and just take care of myself in general. Going back to Charlie instead of going on and on about my pointless and selfish insecurities, as soon as we kissed I felt myself melt into my underwear. I Felt myself wanting more and more, wanting to just grab him and love him everywhere. Literally the night that I discovered the song “Sleepwalk” by Santo and Johnny was right after we just had our first kiss and the riff at the first 7 seconds of the song just climaxes the same slow and tender way that these feelings hug my insides and gently squeezes my heart with small pools and waves of care and affection. I’m sure there’s a better way to organize those thoughts and feelings but I want it to be true and raw. He is just so pretty, Charlie is soo pretty to me I don’t know what to do. We had an unspoken trust where we gave each other everything. Sometimes I want to rip his face off because hes just so mesmerizing to me. It would super duper suck if he has brown eyes he’d look fine of course but the bragging rights that I have a boo w hazel eyes is veryyy high for me. He told me that he’d be having a oc for a whole week and that I’m invited of course, we’ll see how that goes. I’m not going to lie but the fact that I haven’t met his mom makes me nervous and hurt. What if she doesn’t like me or doesn’t approve of me, and we’re already dating as boyfriend and girlfriend? I really do think that it matters and I almost jokingly met her last night but I didn’t like my outfit enough for a first impression and I honestly do think it matter so much dude. This is the first and last image she’ll see of me until the next time I’d see her and who knows how long that’ll be. Not only that im trying to get hit from the back soooo bad omg I miss back shots so bad but I feel like we can’t catch the same rhythm. It sucks because the one time we did it was the first time we had sex in his little side room in his basement. And DUDE I’m lowkey embarrassed I did this weak ass little roll on his dick. I think our sex is really good, but it could be better. I haven’t cheated on him and I can feel that my pussy is tight and I can tell that he feels it too.   

8/28/2019