#two buttons that seem to have the same function

[ybetzarts]

Your artwork looks amazing! The way you ink your drawings is so good :D

*clears throat*

"An all caps 'THANK YOU'... a star and erm ...a bunch of other emojis." he means 💥🤧

"'This really warms my heart', with a heart right at the end. There."

#asks #renegade knucks #i do hope i did answer this asl correctly #tumblr mobile has like #two buttons that seem to have the same function #Renegade Knucks reads the letter for ya #looking for a reason to draw him for the first timeXD #no really #THANK YOU! 🌟

[kookslastbutton]

Guilty Pleasures ༓ jjk, kth (m) | ch. i

✑ Summary: Three years of being Seoul's power couple earns you nothing but a big fat divorce settlement and your face plaster on every gossip column around town. You're angry, hurt, and desperately want to move on, but worst of all? You're still in love with the man who started the whole mess, even though the most he can ever see you as is a friend. The renowned actor you've hired to be your company's new endorser seems to have a soft spot for you though. He's easy on the eyes, you'll admit, but who actually wants a divorcee like yourself? It's unrealistic really.

pairing: ex-husband ceo!jungkook x ceo!reader, slight actor!taehyung x ceo!reader

genre/AU: angst, smut, loverstoexesto ?, unrequited love

word count: 3,328

Warnings: oc and jk are both 30, mention of gossip columns and unequal treatment of how oc is portrayed post-divorce, hint of differences between men and women in the business world, oc struggling to be professional, both care about each other and are not toxic but oc fell in love, oc has the need to groom him a little out of habit, talks about Bam, feat, Namjoon and Taehyung, and sexual content

sexual warnings: dom!jungkook, sub!reader, desk s*x, d*rty talk, oc is on bc, handjob, swearing, making out, neck kisses, clothed s*x, impulsive s*x, light praising, growling, some minor petnames (baby, Kook), mention of threesome, recalling of past sexual events

playing: Unkiss Me

a/n: uh…this one has been in my drafts and idk its kinda angsty but I decided I will share it. Enjoy! 🥰

series masterlist | next >>

From the moment he stepped into your office, Jungkook could tell every ounce of color was drained from your face. All except for your puffy red eyes that is, which he knows you've been rubbing fervently to keep your tears from rolling down your cheeks.

He doesn't blame you for it though–you're his ex-wife.

Recent ex-wife that is.

For three years the two of you masqueraded as the perfect power couple; appearing completely in love to the public eye in hopes of forming an unshakable business partnership (transaction more like). You attended charity balls together, collaborated on several work projects, and attended countless corporate functions to establish both your presence in your respective industries.

That's right, you and Jungkook were in an arranged marriage and it would have flourished into a classic love story if it wasn't for one obvious detail–you're the only one that fell in love.

Despite all the times he's called you "stunning" when you dolled up for formal events or that you "feel so good" during late-night sex, Jungkook never truly loved you. He cared about you, did his best not to intentionally hurt you, and even tried loving you back; thinking he could fall for you with time.

But the most he could ever see you as is a friend, a beautiful friend, though a friend nonetheless. He knows how much it pains you, especially after you've held out hope that he'll want you the same way someday. This one embarrasses you the most which he wishes it wouldn't.

Well, Jungkook doesn't want to trap either of you in a loveless marriage any longer. So even if it means being the center of gossip columns for a while, he's giving you a divorce so you can find the right person to share your love with.

After all, you deserve it; you both do.

Today's day one of looking at one another as exes and it's bittersweet, to say the least. The only factor that would make this worse is if children were in the equation, but there aren't any.

"Thanks for letting me swing by __," he speaks first, doing his best to conjure up a genuine smile. The black floral button-up he's wearing suits him well and his smooth chest peaking out near the collar is far too tempting, yet you know better than to let your eyes linger.

"Of course," you answer and grab a small box from behind your desk. "These are 100% yours so I wouldn't keep them from you." Jungkook takes the box of belongings from your hands with slight hesitation. You're keeping a brave front for the sake of civility and professionalism.

He doesn't blame you for that either.

As a CEO of a large multinational corporation himself, Jungkook's no stranger to the age-old philosophy that that office is no place to let your personal woes get out of hand; you have a team to lead and a reputation to uphold. The latter is proving to be harder for you than him, however, being that the media is portraying you as some kind of she-devil, spinster, or worse of all—a cheater.

Jungkook plans to personally make sure those articles get removed from the public eye before the end of the week. (Not that he'll tell you though.)

"I still could have dropped by the house to pick these up if it'd been easier. I feel bad for interrupting your work day over a couple of old books, records, and dog toys." He watches you nod silently as he vocalizes the inconvenience of it all; he really doesn't have to but he does it anyway.

"No, it's alright. You haven't been to the house since you moved out, so I thought it'd be better if we met here instead." You pause to check the time. "If there's anything you think of that you might've forgotten later, just let me know. In the meantime, I have a meeting in twenty so..."

"He misses you."

"I'm sorry?"

"Bam, I mean." Jungkook throws the box under an arm and pulls out his phone. He scrolls through his camera gallery until he gets to one particular photo of a red and tan Doberman. "He hates the new place and all he does is sulk by the door."

Your heart's already struggling to settle down from the painful reality that the man you love is leaving you, let alone being reminded of another forced separation. Bam's the closest thing to a baby that either of you ever had and he was one of the few things that bonded you and your now ex-husband together.

Being Jungkook's dog, however, he couldn't stay with you. That means no more visiting the dog park, sneaking treats behind Jungkook's back, and snuggling together in the king-size bed after a stressful day.

"I'm sure he just wants his favorite chew toy that's been held hostage at the house," you joke lightly, thinking it simpler to spin the topic. It's similar to what Jungkook does when he uses flowery language to soften the cold hard truth of your divorce; that he doesn't love you and he can't ever. "Give Bam a lot of attention for me. I miss him too."

"Of cour—shit!" When Jungkook moves to slip his phone back into his pocket he loses his balance, causing the box with his belongings to spill out on your office floor. Naturally, you kneel down to help him clean up the mess. It's not until your fingers reach for the same item and come into contact with each other that you quickly retract your hand. "Sorry, did I shock you?" He asks gently and tosses the last item into the box before standing up.

"No, you didn't." You rise to your feet as well, until you're face to face with him. This time it's closer than before. His hooded eyes stare straight into yours and you can't believe it takes being inches from his face to notice how bloodshot his eyes are. "You look exhausted. You should go home and rest Kook." The petname is out before your brain tells you to stop.

Jungkook's eyes widen, the corner of his lip subtly quirking up for the first time since the start of the conversation. "Don't worry about me __. I probably get more breaks than you do. But thanks." He briefly glances at the ticking Snoopy clock behind you, a Christmas gift he gave you as a joke last year. "You still have that?"

You look over your shoulder at the small, Snoopy-shaped digital clock on your desk. Ten minutes until your next meeting. "It's cute and it makes for a great conversation starter with clients so I guess so. If you want me to give it ba—"

"Keep it," he interrupts. "Please, it was a gift and I'd like you to have it if you enjoy it." Jungkook gnaws on his lip before continuing. "Speaking of clients and business partners, I should make myself scarce now shouldn't I?"

"Yes. I do have that meeting soon." But once he leaves, neither of you is sure when you'll see the other again aside from the odd charity event. The Annual Winter Gala in December is one that particularly comes to mind.

Most high-ranking executives like yourselves attend the function to keep up appearances and to network with other professionals. Last year, you and Jungkook were the center of attention however now that you're divorced, you fear you'll be avoided like the plague—they always preferred Jungkook over you anyway.

"You're forming a new partnership with that actor, right? Kim Taehyung? I read an inkling about it online yesterday." He also read his whole biography too. The man is equally handsome as he is altruistic and kind.

"Nothing's signed and sealed yet. I'm sure you've heard that he's gotten dozens of other offers on the table. To be honest, I'm surprised you haven't nabbed him yet."

"Yeah, we don't need...wait sorry, let me rephrase that. We aren't ready for a new partner or merger yet."

You can read between the lines despite Jungkook's correction. His company is thriving more than yours in every way, so he doesn't need the help of a third-party endorser...like you. Well, you're not doing too shabby yourself and this isn't simply about fame and fortune you want to argue.

The head poking through your door stops you from following through on that last line.

"Mrs. Jeon—shit." Your secretary Kim Namjoon screws his eyes shut at his drastic misstep. "Ms. __, Kim Taehyung called and said he'll be a bit late due to unexpected delays during his filming today. He apologizes profusely but is on his way over now. Sajangnim," he bows at Jungkook respectively.

"That's fine, Namjoon, thank you. You can send him in whenever he gets here. Mr. Jeon was just about to leave and I had the rest of my day cleared."

"Of course. I'll let him know to come in." Your secretary nods and shuts the door. Jungkook shifts between his feet once Namjoon is out of sight, a habit he's picked up that tells you he has more to say.

"Was there anything else, Mr. Jeon?" You shuffle a few files on your desk, prepping for your meeting with Taehyung. At this point, you're not even looking at Jungkook.

"Mr. Jeon? I think I prefer when you call me Kook more," he mutters, allowing his line of sight to catch a glimpse of your lips. "Can I...kiss you? Before I go."

The question knocks the wind out of your lungs and you instantly lift your head up toward him. "Kiss me?" You gulp slowly, then shake your head. "No, I'd rather we not. Goodbye kisses aren't really my thing." You couldn't be a bigger liar, evident from the sudden churning in your gut. Having Jungkook's lips on yours was the best and worst moments of your entire relationship but you have to fight yourself....your innate desires that tell you to say yes.

"Okay, I understand. What about a hug?"

"Jungkook..."

"I'm sorry, I'm pushing. Thanks again for my stuff." He gestures at the box under his arm. "I hope your meeting with Kim Taehyung goes well. Maybe I'll see you both at the next Winter Gala." He makes a beeline for the door.

"Wait!"

Jungkook stills in his tracks as he watches you stride in front of him. He's unsure what you stopped him for until your hands reach out towards his shirt collar, smoothing the delicate material down. A light smile plays on his face as you do this, though he says nothing aside from a simple 'thanks'.

"It was bothering me the whole time." You finish fixing his collar and peer up into his Bambi eyes. Out of all the potential suitors, you wish Jeon Jungkook didn't become your husband. It's not like you got to keep him or anything.

Jungkook once again flickers his gaze toward your barely parted lips. And this time, you do the same for him. Before either of you have time to back out you lean forward and kiss him.

It's a hard kiss too. Painful but so inviting that neither of you pulls away.

With his free hand, Jungkook snakes a hand around your waist to hug you close. Having his fingers pressed against the small of your back is so familiar and all you can do is deepen the kiss.

You're obviously not the only one that gets a sense of pleasure from this because, in a matter of seconds, the box from under Jungkook's arm falls to the ground. He then places his second hand on the side of your neck and jawline which you lean into, exposing the other side of your neck.

"Jungkook," you gasp when his lips attach themself to the soft skin, sucking lightly. His teeth come out and nip too. "Wait, we can't do this, we shouldn't. Taehyung, he'll be here soon."

"That would have sounded so convincing if you didn't just moan the words, baby." He walks you backward until you're forced to sit atop your mahogany desk.

"Don't call me that." You allow him to push up your pencil skirt and spread your thighs until your panties are the only material he sees. You decided to go with black lace today, his favorite now that you think about it.

"Did you—"

"No, they weren't for you."

A brief growl leaves the man's rose-tinted lips. "In that case, we don't need them." He places both hands on your hips and brings you into another kiss, messier than before. His tongue shoves between the seam of your lips to lick every crevasse he can. He hasn't kissed you like this for months and to be brutally honest, he's missed it as much as you.

Jungkook hasn't been with anyone else since marrying you either, which means he's completely adjusted to your body, your preferences, and what turns you on. The same applies to you so while he's busy shoving his tongue down your throat, you palm his half-harden bulge through his trousers.

"Mm," he groans and bucks his hips into your hand. You smile at how well you've managed to draw a response from him. With a little burst of confidence, you hastily move to unbuckle his pants. "What are you doing?" He mumbles between kisses.

You decide not to answer, preferring to reach inside his trousers to take his length out. You make sure to pump it a few times until he's fully hard. Jungkook has a gorgeous dick, and that takes a lot for you to admit.

"Fuck, that's it." He says with gritted teeth, now watching your hand as it moves up and down his cock. "Get me how you want me."

"We don't have much time." You slide your panties down your legs and spread your thighs wide apart, which makes Jungkook's eyes dilate about 10 meters. "Fuck me, please." One last time. Make love to me one last time.

"Are you sure? I don't have a condom."

"It's okay, I'm on birth control. As long as you're still clean then its fine."

"I am. I got tested recently. But are you sure you want this?"

You glance at his pulsating length, tip leaking with pre-cum, and swallow hard. "Hurry."

"Fuck, okay." Jungkook wastes not another second and guides you flat on your back, his hands resting on either side of your body. The coolness of your desk has you shiver slightly. He then urges you to raise your legs until they can wrap loosely around his slim waist. And as if second nature, you link your arms around his neck as he eases him into you. He's able to bottom out without much effort thanks to how wet you've become.

"Oh god." Your back arches off the surface of your desk as Jungkook thrusts into you. They're only practice thrusts at first to get you re-adjusted to his size, yet the pleasure zipping down your spine already has your eyes rolling up.

You shouldn't be doing this at all. Your conscious whispers to again to which you blindly dismiss. You'll enjoy it now and tomorrow, start a new—another lie you tell yourself.

"Fuckfuckfuck, you're so wonderful for me," he chants while pushing his cock in and out of you, the speed of his movements picking up to an insane rate. Jungkook never had an issue with quickies so he's likely in his element now. "You know what this reminds me of?" He cocks a smirk and kisses down your neck.

"Hm?"

"That time when we were abroad for a weekend conference. Remember when we stopped at my second office to pick up some files? You were so horny that day that you pushed me into my chair and demanded that I let you ride me. It took the wind right out of my sails to see you like that, so confident and in control." He prys apart the top button of your blouse until he can slide the material down your shoulders. He doesn't take it off completely, favoring the chance to place kisses on your newly exposed area instead.

"I was beyond stressed that day. It was the first time I had to speak at that conference and you looked so good with your freshly slicked back hair. I couldn't stop myself—oh fuck! Right there Kook, don't slow down. Please." Jungkook grunts at the use of his petname and fucks you rougher, sweat forming around his forehead as his dark hair dangles messily over his eyes.

You manage to sneak a glance at the time on your Snoopy clock between thrusts. "Shit, I need to come soon, or Kim Taehyung's never going to agree to do business with me." The man laughs and buries his head on your shoulder.

"You never know, he could be really into threesomes."

"Fuck! Don't joke about that." You claw at his back and surprise both of you with the unexpected clenching of your pussy.

"You're right, I take it back," he groans and continues to snap his hips. "Looks like he's not the one who wants a threesome after all, considering your body's response to the suggestion. You wanna ask him if he walks in?" He whispers in your ear and you're embarrassed that your cheeks burn at the thought.

Of course, Kim Taehyung was sexy and you've rehearsed to yourself dozens of times not to let yourself get any crazy ideas about him. Still, one unrequited love is enough for you; Taehyung wouldn't want a divorcee. You shake the train of thought before it has time to go any further. "Make me come, Kook. Need you to finish too. It's not just Taehyung who could walk in at any second."

Jungkook grunts and continues to thrust into you, bouncing you up and down his thick length as the desk shakes underneath you. He feels you getting closer and closer by the sporadic clenching of your walls squeezing him. A big part of him doesn't want this to end but it has to....he doesn't love you. He only wants to make you feel good before he has to say goodbye. Both of you come just before Namjoon calls your office phone, giving you a heads-up that Taehyung's about to enter your office.

Jungkook shoves his pants back on while you button up your blouse and fold over your skirt. You decided to shove your underwear in your bag with the lack of time. No one has any business digging in there anyway.

"How do I look?" You turn around to get a quick once-over from Jungkook but he's already out the door. Now the person standing in front of you is Kim Taehyung who has nothing but the most genuine smile.

"You look lovely as always Ms. __. I'm so sorry I'm late by the way. I feel terrible about it so I brought you these." Taehyung whips out a large bouquet of your favorite flowers. "Hope you don't mind that I did a little research on you ahead of time. I found out these have a special place in your heart."

You smile and accept the bouquet with thanks. As you set them on your desk, a messages comes through your phone. You manage to give a quick look.

Unknown Number: Sorry I had to duck so fast! I know it looked rude but Taehyung was already opening the door and you were dressed so I thought it'd be better if I left. Hope you're meeting goes well! And thanks for everything today ;) if you need anything, you have my number.

You flip your phone over and invite Taehyung to have a seat. Business is business, and you have to carry on even if your heart has completely sunk to the ground. Kim Taehyung is sweet anyway, so you'll enjoy his company.

Too bad you don't realize how much he enjoys yours as well.

a/n: so, yeah... there's a potential for our Jk to actually love oc and not realize it but either way he does care about her (despite the impulsive sex). And yes, taehyung likes oc... it's like a double unrequited love 😔 okay bye lmk what you think, thank you! 😘

Also, lmk what you think about jk in this poll!

masterlist

no reposting, copying, or translating my work– © kookslastbutton

#jungkook angst #jungkook smut #jungkook x reader #jungkook fanfic #jungkook x you #jungkook imagines #taehyung smut #taehyung angst #bts smut #bts angst #bts au #bts imagines #bts fanfics #bts x reader #fic:guiltypleasures #kookslastbutton

[wonysugar]

fuck you stupid | ning yizhuo

synopsis : you thought you’d seen it all with her, but no, she somehow managed to surprise you even further.

pairing : bimbo!ningning x fem!reader

genre : bffs to... fwb?? idk they just fuck,, so obviously smut too! xx

tags : yall got lost help, fingering, degradation, belittling, dumbification, car sex, she's so stupid but she fucks you good so it's okay, very slight cunnilingus, she slaps you like once so impact play!

warnings : none!

word count : 1.6k

you, y/n l/n, weren’t exactly smart, but you also weren’t exactly stupid. like yeah, you weren’t a genius per se, but it’s not like you were brain dead either. average was the term you always used to describe your intelligence.

you unfortunately couldn’t say the same about ning yizhuo, your best friend. 

you loved her, like that’s your bitch, of course you love her! however, you’d be lying if you said that she was intellectually capable, because she just wasn’t. god, she was just so, so painfully stupid?? clumsy??? careless???? all of the above applied when it came to this woman. not even to be mean or anything of the sorts, just, yknow… natural selection at its finest.

she was aware of that, though, and even thrived in being the self proclaimed bimbo everyone knew and loved. (to which you wholeheartedly agree with, by the way) and honestly? you just couldn’t stop teasing her about it whenever you two hung out. things similar to “stupid hoe” and “dumbass” always escaping your mouth as you two laughed, probably moments after she bumped onto something on the sidewalk whilst spilling all the tea to you. 

in summary, she’s done stupid shit before, but nothing, nothing could ever top what she had done that day.

the day she got the both of you lost in some random parking lot at like, 2 am.

“ning, we’re fucking lost.” you told her, eyebrows furrowed in frustration as you watched her giggle nervously.

she grabbed her cellphone and hovered her finger over the power button, “oh come on y/n don’t be like that, i can just go on google maps and we’ll be out of here in no ti-“

a black screen.

she cleared her throat hesitantly, sighed, then pressed the button again.

nothing.

she kept doing that, giving longer presses to the side of her phone in hopes of a miracle . your patience was running thin and you were quite frankly not far from panicking.

after the 27th-ish try, you finally snapped at her.

“fucking hell ning do you not charge your damn phone??” 

“sorry that i forgot to?” 

oh she had to be joking. 

“girl oh my god what the fuck?? we’ll stay stuck here for only god knows how long and it’s all gonna be because ‘ning yizhuo forgot to charge her phone beforehand’ for fuck’s sake.” you closed your eyes and pinched the bridge of your nose in exasperation. trying to calm down, you ignored ning’s gaze.

her stupid annoying yapping wasn’t helping at all. like, at all.

“oh so we’re once again blaming me, got it. y/n you didn’t even bring your own phone, how do you have the audacity to put the blame on me.” she said back, her eyebrow raised up as she threw her phone down on her skirt, sighing exasperatedly. 

“because someone told me it was her turn to get the aux.”

“where in that sentence did i ever tell you not to bring your phone??”

“god, ning just- just stay quiet. okay? just- please shut up, i’m trying to think. we can’t rely on you for anything.” you told her, exasperated.

in response, she scoffed, “no?? no i won’t, actually. you’re always putting the blame on me and it’s seriously starting to piss me the fuck off. yeah i’m a bimbo, whatever, but does that mean that you have to talk to me like i only have two barely functioning brain cells??” 

“oh please, saying you have two functioning brain cells would be wayy too generous. you’re always doing the stupidest shit out of the two of us. i mean fuck, you literally drove us here, in the middle of nowhere. you’re not a bimbo, you’re just fucking dumb, ning.”

when you looked back at her, she seemed hurt. like, 

a wave of guilt quickly washed over you upon seeing her pained, pained expression. she looked into your eyes, frustration and sadness clearly showing into her own. yeah, she looked pissed. you wanted to apologize almost immediately, and you were going to, 

if she didn’t suddenly press her lips onto yours before you could even get a word out. 

-

how do best friends make up after a fight?

usually, they talk it out, they go out, hug it out then get milkshakes or whatever, hell, sometimes they just go a day or two without talking then eventually forget about it.

this? this was none of that.

since she planted a kiss on your lips, you, instead of doing anything stated above, were fucking.

like, yeahh you were still lost, but at least you were getting your pussy ravaged. the situation could be handled later; when you weren’t drenched.

throwing your head back as you moaned out ning’s name, you were straddling her in the backseat of her car, feeling her two fingers deep inside you and stretching you out. she looked up at you with lustfully hooded eyes as she kissed and left very visible marks all over your neck, all the way down to your collarbone, her free hand fondling your tits, lazily playing with the nipple. 

“f-fuck ning keep going i’m sososo close- fuckfuckfuck..” feeling yourself getting pushed closer to the edge by the friction you felt, you bucked your hips faster onto her digits. the knot tying in your stomach felt like it would’ve snapped any second now, that is,

until she stopped moving her fingers altogether.

frustrated, you whined loudly, “ninggg please let me cum pleaseplease-” 

“oh yeah? so now you wanna rely on me for something, and it’s to make you cum?” she laughed. “fucking slut. i’ll make you cum whenever i want to, got it, bitch?” she added, pressing her thumb on your swollen throbbing clit, smirking condescendingly and watching how pretty you looked when pleasure contorted your face.

you unintentionally clenched at her words, nodding shamefully. it was embarrassing enough having your best friend knuckles deep inside of you, having her call you names and whatnot, but the real embarrassing part? 

enjoying it thoroughly.

she knew this, she knew she had you wrapped around her finger at that moment and oh was it such a power trip for her. seeing you be so needy for her touch, you almost started riding her fingers yourself, too. she was always the one being treated like a dumb bitch, it was nice being on the other side of things, for a change. 

she kept twisting and pulling on your nipple with her free hand as she slowly started to slide her fingers up and down your walls again, giggling and paying close attention to how your body shook and twitched at each and every one of her slow movements. what a sight to see. 

“you like being fucked stupid hm?”

and that’s what she did,

seconds,

minutes,

what felt likes hours,

you were sloppily bouncing and grinding on her fingers, speed ranging from a painful slowness to an overwhelming rapidity. 

you gripped her arms tightly, as if you would fall into some sort of void if you didn’t hold onto her for dear life. resting your head on her shoulder, you whined, losing yourself onto her. her fingers were still pumping in and out of you at that moment, faster than they were before, by the way, so it took you all of your body strength to not just cum right then and there, but you managed to hold back. for her, you held back and took all of it. every minute passing, every single motion feeling like it was threatening to make you go insane. 

“ning pleaseplease let me cum i wanna cum so badly fuck- pleasepleasepleasepleaseee-” you begged, looking down at her with pleading teary eyes.

“fuck, look at you. calling me a dumb bitch all the time, yet here you are, acting oh so stupid for my fingers. such a brainless needy little whore for me, hm? does my idiotic, pretty girl wanna cum?” 

you nodded eagerly as you whined, tears actively running down both of your cheeks, so desperate for release that you quite honestly didn’t care for how ridiculous you looked to her at that moment. you just wanted to cum, so, so, so badly, and you were ready to give up your dignity for it.

the sound of her hand slapping your cheek resonated in the car.

“say it. you know damn well i don’t accept pathetic sounds for an answer.”

“fuck— your idiotic pretty girl wants to cum pleaseee let her–”

she hummed, smirking at your response. incredibly amused by your behavior, she took her fingers out of you, picked you up by placing her hands on your thighs, then gently put you on the empty seat that was next to the one she occupied. upon seeing you sat comfortably, she proceeded to kneel down on the empty space between the front seats and the backseats. y’know,

the ones a grown woman couldn’t possibly fit in?

it’s okay though, like, yeah she would most definitely complain about back pain later, but right now?

she needed to feel you cum all over her tongue.

and that’s exactly what she worked towards, her tongue driven by the scent of your arousal to roam all over your folds and clit, kissing and sucking on every inch of your core as she attentively listened to all the sweet noises that came out of you. it really did not take long before your moans reached octaves you didn’t even know you could achieve before, an overwhelming wave of relief hitting you like a truck. you were 100% sure you would pass out afterwards.

at the end of the day, yeah, you both were still stranded in the middle of some unknown parking lot, but at least, the stress of it all evaporated in the air.

while you were trying to catch your breath, you made a mental note;

never underestimate ning’s intelligence when she was in a bad mood! or, do. depending on if you wanna get fucked stupid that day or not.

#smut #kpop gg #female reader #aespa smut #ningning #ningning aespa #ning yizhuo #ningning x female reader #ningning x reader #aespa #aespa ningning #ningning aespa smut #ning yizhuo x female reader

[forbidden-sunlight]

yandere!carcel escalante with ines!reader scenario

Warning: OOC, obsessive behavior, implied violence, language, mention of death, possible spoilers for latest chapters on the manhwa.

There may be possible triggers in this story.

If you do not feel comfortable venturing any further, please hit the 'back' button on your device or computer and read something much more pleasant than a possible series of unfortunate events.

You are responsible for your own Internet consumption!

Hey guys, hope you have all been well! I'd like to thank @ceeesxy-blog for providing honest feedback on the earlier drafts on this story!

For those who are wondering, I am still revising/editing the other headcanons I had written for Carcel Escalante. When they are ready, they will be posted.

With that being said, sit back, relax, and let's dive into world of romance and second chances. Or maybe four :)

The Spirit was glaring heatedly at your back again. She seemed to be doing that a lot more lately than critiquing your posture or whispering the names of the nobility in your ear to make sure you did not mispronounce it when they approached you at teeth-grinding social functions. It made you wonder what you did to upset her for the nth time behind the polite smile you gave to the blonde-haired child sitting across from you. 

For the record, it had not been your intention to possess the body of Ines Valeztena de Perez  in the first place. You simply woke up and found her soul occupying the same space. Two souls in one meatsack, to put it so crudely; impossible in theory, yet here is the miracle. Note the sarcasm. 

Where this is her fourth reincarnation, it was your first, and you had retained the knowledge of this reality where it was the backdrop of a novel based on her life. The title? The Broken Ring, This Marriage Will Fail Anyway. Not only did include the details of her life in this timeline, but also her marriages to both the future Emperor and the painter Emiliano. One was a nightmare where she took her own life, and the second was to get away from her responsibilities and be happy for once. Her brother killed Emiliano and the child she had with him, dragging her back to the duchy she had tried to escape from. 

In this life, she has already secured an engagement with Carcel Escalante on the basis that he is the best-looking young man. Her father approved because he loved his only daughter. That worked in her favor because she did not want to get involved with the imperial family again, and already had a plan in the works. This plan involved treating Carcel coldly for seventeen years and he would have numerous affairs, before and after their marriage. Once she gives birth to a child, she will divorce him and attain true freedom. But now, Ines has become a lingering Spirit which only you could see. You are occupying the Body. You are the main driver behind it. And by God, her plan is utter bullshit. 

Make a child who has yet to understand communication and very much innocent in the way of how an adult’s mind works hate you by being a cold-hearted bitch? Absolutely not! That is not how you treat someone, even if you do remember that Carcel Escalante was a playboy in a previous lifetime. This is the present, do not put so much emphasis on the past. 

You have told the Spirit many times when the room was empty and you were visiting her in your mindscape; the backdrop of a library and seated in a plush chair with a table that held two steaming cups of coffee that you couldn’t taste. You did not know if she or you had created it, but this was where she had closed herself off most of the time and where you would see her as soon as you drifted off to sleep. Whether she actually listened to you during these therapy sessions or just put up with your company because you were in her body is another question entirely. 

“Ines?”

Jolting slightly, you looked up from the rim of  your teacup and nodded at the flustered Carcel Escalante. “Yes?” Cerulean orbs twinkled beneath the chandelier’s light as he stared at you, cradling his own cup and looking…frustrated? You furrowed your brow in concern, carefully placing it back down on the saucer that sat on the table. “Is everything all right, Carcel?”

“Why?” He answered your question with a question. You played along, asking him what he meant. 

“Do you really want to marry me because of my good looks?”

Oh, dear. Suppose this was a conversation bond to be brought up. You thought warily. Not even a minute has passed and already you could feel the Spirit’s menacing glare directed at the back of your head. Ines, for God’s sake, trust me. Let me handle this. You hissed in your mind. 

“You cannot ruin this chance.”

Ines, I am fully aware that this is crucial to your plan, thank you. Your very piss-poor plan, I might add. You promised you would give me one chance to prove there is another way to attain happiness. I will deliver. So let me speak or so help me, I will stuff your consciousness in the back of my brain and lock you in there until the day is over. You threatened. That wasn’t a threat either. It was a promise because you had done it before, unintentionally, when the world was spinning and her nagging was not helping. You couldn’t allow her access to the Body for nearly two days. 

She went silent, and the heat on the back of your head subsided slightly, but you could see her from the corner of your eye. Folding your hands neatly in your lap and straightening the curve of your spine, you spoke to Carcel with your eyes directly locked onto his own. 

“Yes. You are very handsome by the Empire’s standards, Carcel. But that isn’t the only reason.”

“It…isn’t?”

“Correct.”

“Then, why?”

“To avoid being married into the imperial family. Your cousin, the crown prince, Oscar is…a twit. Emotionally immature, rude, I could go on. You recall how he arrived at my home without any notice nor any requests to visit, and I told him that I did not like him, yes? You were there, dragged by him because he can do that.” 

Carcel’s face paled. “You could get punished for speaking like that about him. He is the future of our Empire.”

“And what a bleak future that will be.” You sniffed. 

“Ines!”

“The Empress wouldn’t risk angering one of the founding families of this country. Without our support, they would not be standing where they are right now, the pinnacle of high society and power, so I am not afraid to criticize how her son has no regard for the consequences of his actions because he believes his status gives him an excuse to do anything he wants to do.” You squeezed your hands together. “I also believe you are much more agreeable and level-headed than him. Your good looks are a bonus…but I would like to get to know you more. Your likes, your dislikes, anything, really, that you are comfortable with sharing. Believe it or not, Carcel Escalante, I do want us to get along. Not just for appearance's sake.”

You watched his eyes widen in disbelief, his face pinken with embarrassment before he stuttered. “R-Really?”

“Yes.”

“A-And you won’t…be mean? Or ignore me?”

You shook your head. “I will not.” You said. “If I am cruel in your eyes, I would rather you say it to my face then keep silent. I will not understand how you feel if you do not say anything. Though…if the imperial family is watching us, I might have to act out of character. Not just to protect myself and my family from their interference, but yours. Do you understand?”

“I-I suppose.” Carcel swallowed. “But…will you inform me…if you have to act like that?”

“I shall.” 

You answered Carcel’s questions as honestly as you could to a six-year-old child, even when you were roughly the same age as him. He seemed to believe you, as his stiffened posture loosened, and his smile was a little less forced. Eventually it was time for him to leave the estate and return to the Escalante duchy. You walked him to the door alongside the servants, and bade him farewell. When his carriage faded in the distance, growing smaller and smaller, the Spirit wasted no time in materializing, scolding you for making such promises right until it was time for bed. 

But this was a positive change, you emphasized, not a negative one. Would she rather hate the two of you for saying that you liked him and then say you don’t care if he has an affair because your feelings change? That made absolutely no sense. Yes, feelings change with time, this is true, but it is still cruel in your perspective and you will not subject Carcel to such treatment. 

When you received an invitation to attend the Empress’ annual tea party, a letter from the Escalante duchy was delivered to your desk the very next day. Carcel asked if he would have the honor to be your escort. You replied that you would be delighted; you were looking forward to seeing him there, and do not mind if you were acting coldly towards him if the Empress or the crowned prince were within feet of either of you. 

You kept your word to him. Now, and for the following seventeen years. 

If neither of your schedules were not booked with various lessons and social functions, Carcel would make an effort to visit you or invite you to spend an afternoon doing something together. He would offer flowers, and you thanked him. You idly chatted over lunch at a cafe after a shopping trip, all expenses paid by Carcel at his insistence, even when your monthly allowance was more than enough to purchase jewelry, dresses, or anything that piqued your interest during the outing. 

When he was invited to a friendly hunting trip at the Valeztena estate, Carcel had been stunned into silence as you handled the recoil of the hunting rifle in your hands without so much as a sound. 

The Spirit had drilled the basics of gun safety and aiming into your brain until she was confident that no one would think the wiser in the unlikely event that the two of you had to exchange control over the Body. Moreover, it put her at ease knowing she could protect herself from the crown prince. She will not allow Oscar to get the upper hand in this lifetime. Never again. 

You agreed wholeheartedly with her reasoning. Now if she actually lifted some damned weights between target practice and sipping tea with her peers, that would be great. You did not want the time and effort you have put into toning your arms from swinging a practice sword in the knight’s training arena to go to waste. 

Securing a competent tutor who would willingly teach a woman the fundamentals of swordsmanship, even if it’s a fucking rapier and not a broadsword like you initially wanted to learn how to use, had been difficult. If the Spirit was going to use a weapon to protect herself, then so are you. 

End of discussion. 

Carcel eventually became of age and was forced to enlist in the naval academy as his forefathers had done. It was the first step towards becoming the duke of the Escalante estate. Although you were a little sad to see him go, you promised to write him letters. If you were allowed to visit him at the base or a port that wasn’t too far from the Empire’s shores, you swore that you would try, weather permitting of course. 

However…if you or the Spirit had known the weight of these promises…would you have known just how madly in love Carcel Escalante de Esposa was with you? Would he? 

Carcel hated his time at the naval academy. As invigorating and stressful it was to learn everything about a ship’s vessel to the areas where the enemies of the Empire have attacked in recent years and even swordsmanship or rifle training, there were days when he wanted to throw everything away and just run off from Meldoza. 

Never looking back,  becoming a free man who could do as he pleased without the obligations. 

The soldiers in his fleet understood his frustration and have offered more than once to take him to the ports and have a bit of fun with some lovely ladies, on their tap. Yet for all his ranting and grumbling, it took a single letter from his dear Ines to keep the young duke grounded. 

She informed him of the events occurring in the Empire’s polite society, highlighting gossip and any exploits pertaining to his cousin, aggravated that she still cannot swing her sword at the right angle just yet even after her tutor went over the lesson several times, amongst other topics of discussion including what she has been doing since he’s been at sea. She reminded him to stay strong, keep his wits sharp, and never forget that she is here, waiting for him to return. Before he ventured out to sea for his duties, he would always keep a letter folded against his breast pocket. A reminder of why he is here. 

Contrary to the rumors circulating around him, he did not elect to remain in the military for an additional five years because he was avoiding getting married at the tender age of eighteen. He wanted to prove to his future father-in-law that he is worthy to be the husband of his only daughter. 

Just because he may be lacking in some areas, that does not mean he should be switched out for someone higher up or of equal ranking in the hierarchy. Or with a gentleman whom Duke Valeztena would much prefer to have as a son-in-law than him. That will never happen so long as he, Carcel Escalante de Esposa, lives. 

He is a man who will get jealous if anyone would dare to approach his future wife with the intention of bedding her once he, her husband, had gotten tired of her. An absolutely foolish notion, because Carcel will remain faithful to Ines. 

It would take a lot of self-control to not gut those fools right on the spot, because Ines would hate getting blood on the floor. Furthermore, he would never have a mistress before or after he exchanged his vows. Women might line up outside his door because adultery is encouraged in the Ortega Empire. Flowers and love letters might decorate every square inch of his office. Temptation will lurk around every corner, and he will burn them in his fireplace. The ladies? Well, he’d tell them to politely sod off and never darken his doorstep again. 

If there were gifts from Ines, however, he would keep him. 

Ines is his sun. The light of his life. No one else would even compare to the woman who is waiting for him to return from these treacherous waters. Until it was his time to leave this world, he would show Ines just how much he loved her. He would buy her anything she wanted, make her life as comfortable as possible even if she told him a thousand times that she does not need anything. 

Just never leave his side. Never fall in love with another man who wasn’t him, because he cannot conceive a universe without you. 

Taglist

@lxdymoon0357

@nunezs-stuff

@yandere-swallowtailcherry

@yandere-dark-cupid

@that-one-pretty-bitch

@technikerin23

@abelheilonwife

@black-swan-blog27

@mooly-artistic

@sleep-all-day-everyday

@dxmoness

@yanderefangirl

@faux-ecrivain

@cassanderasblog

@kanroji-san

@xiaopleasecomehome

@faesdreaming

@young-adult-summer

@ladykitsunesworld

@justcressida

@solandis-does-stuff

@nunezs-stuff

#forbidden-sunlight #yandere x reader #x reader #yandere male #yandere #ns.fw #the broken ring this marriage will fail anyway #carcel escalante #carcel escalante x reader #ines!reader #cw obsessive love #cw obsessive behavior #tw violence #tw obsessive behavior #tw obsessive love #yandere manhwa x reader

[oddmerit]

heres a few links from my bookmarks folder full of HTML and CSS resources that i used when first making my neocities website because i want other people to make their own sites as well because its fun :)

how to actually do html and css

web design in 4 minutes - this is the site that really made HTML and CSS click for me, following along as the author describes what’s he’s doing to the webpage and showing how it changes the presentation (you don’t need the book he shills at the end. i did without)

w3schools introduction to html - takes you through the very basics of creating a website, lesson-by-lesson. big goldmine for code to grab and scaffold off of once you have some basic skills

mozilla’s html guide - also a great beginner’s guide by the people who made mozilla, although i didnt use it as much as w3 schools

brackets.io - this is the program i use to write the files i use for my website. lets you do splitscreen to work with two files at once, gives you a breakdown of all the files in your website’s folder, and will let you autofill commonly-used tags and files in the code. supposedly has a live preview function but it doesnt work that well for me when i’m using a second monitor, which i normally do when coding. just save the file and refresh the page instead. 

(side note: i work in a software external to neocities instead of directly in the neocities editor because 1. local files update with a refresh and neocities has to update the cookies AND download all the website info again once you update, and 2. it effectively gives you a mass undo button if you fuck up because you have your files hosted in multiple places (local and online). yes its kinda annoying to have to manually upload all my files especially bc you cant upload whole folders AND you cant move their locations once uploaded but i prefer it to working directly on the site. if you have a neocities pro subscription ($5/month) you can mount your website directly on your machine as opposed to the neocities dashboard, which basically means you dont have to manually upload the code every time you change something -- it’ll update automatically)

codepen - if you prefer something browser-based to work in then try codepen, i used it a little bit at the beginning when trying to troubleshoot some code i didn’t quite understand. you need an account to actually save your work and im not sure if it actually lets you upload folders bc i never signed up lol

premade engines/sites/themes/etc etc

neothemes or eggramen or templaterr - if you wanna get a quick start on a neocities site, you CAN use a theme generator/premade theme. if you go this route i would still heavily recommend trying to learn HTML and CSS, and then go into the guts of your own website to try and pick it apart and change it to your liking

zonelets - a static blogging engine that uses HTML, CSS, and javascript. made for use on neocities but theoretically useable elsewhere. takes about 15 minutes to set up (if you use a default theme, but its pretty customizable if you know what you’re doing) and requires you to 1. write blog posts in html and 2. modify some code in a script file every time you want to upload a post, but it will automatically let you browse posts in order once you get everything uploaded

rarebit - a neocities webcomic template — havent used it yet but looks cool, and seems to operate off of the same principles as zonelets. 

glightbox - this is the lightbox javascript code i use when i want to display a lot of images on one page. i found this code via clicking “inspect element” on a neocities fanpage that the webmaster drew a lot of fanart for. you should click inspect element on neocities pages that you like so you can understand how they do what you like (you can even look at their css by clicking the style.css link you have to include at the top of your page)

plus a couple masterlists/directories:

yesterlinks

sadgrl.online’s webmastery directory

#unidentified gay noise #html #neocities #i took a 2.5 hour nap today and drank coffee at 4 pm and im still sleept #edit oct 22: removed the anti-t*rf disclaimer bc i havent seen any sus reblogs in a while and i didnt wanna keep seeing it in my notifs #but it still stands :)

[headkiss]

annaaa im rewatching cm again and reentering my hotch phase and u are my ultimate favorite hotch writer so may i please beg for something sweet with him? maybe like making dinner or doing some other activity together? of course this is totally absolutely no pressure at all thank u i love u <33

kait my love angel bae i am so honoured to be ur fav hotch writer 😭🫶 this one’s for u and i hope u like it!!! | 0.6k of fluff

Aaron can hear you moving about in the kitchen when he gets home.

It’s something he’s had a hard time getting used to, the intimacy of it all. The sound of pots clanging and spoons scraping dishes as you stir things. It’s the reminder of having someone there, of never really being alone. Sure, he’s not used to it, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.

He’s good at being quiet, has to be for his job, so he shuts the door softly behind him and toes off his shoes. Sneaking down the hall, he spots you through the doorway of the kitchen, your hair up, back of your neck exposed.

Hotch leans a shoulder against the doorframe and watches you cook for a little, the stress of the day sort of melting away as he does.

You only catch him when you turn around, jumping and dropping the spoon you’d been holding onto the counter. “Aaron!” His name is dragged out in a whine, “you’ve gotta stop doing that.”

“Watching you cook?”

“Using your agent feet on me.”

He huffs a laugh at that one, a smile spreading over his face freely the way they seem to spread around you.

“Whatcha making?”

“Just some pasta. You wanna help?”

You offer him an apron, the neck dangling from your fingertips. Aaron takes it easily, tossing it over his button up that he’d worn to work. It’s a funny juxtaposition, the crisp state of his shirt and the stained canvas he wears over it.

“Where do you want me, chef?”

Whenever Aaron’s gone, you tend to worry and worry. That he’ll get hurt, that he’ll get tired of juggling you and his work. Then, he comes home to you, putting on your apron without complaining, and you’re not so worried anymore, because it makes sense. Having him beside you makes sense.

You grin at him over your shoulder, now turned back to the boiling water on the stove, “there’s some veggies in the fridge if you wanna cut those?”

“‘Course.”

As he walks behind you to get to the fridge, he pauses to push a kiss into the side of your neck, his arms weaving around your waist. You lean into his touch like an instinct, like there’s a string that shortens whenever he’s near, tugging the two of you towards each other.

You’re lucky to get him this way. Where everyone else sees Hotch, you only see Aaron.

Conversation comes easy as you cook together, Hotch getting a cutting board and setting himself up at the counter next to the stovetop. Not the most functional spot, but it’s the one closest to you, so he chooses it anyway.

Aaron’s not one to open up quickly. He doubts himself, questions whether he’ll be too much for the other person, worries that they’ll get fed up with his scattered schedule and leave. And then he met you and things were different.

He’d had to cancel your second date because of a case, and you’d barely blinked, telling him on the phone that the anticipation will only make it so much better, that it isn’t his fault and you’d be there when he got back. You said all of the right things and he sent you flowers and that was the start of the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

Now, you live together and your toothbrushes share the same countertop and it might not be perfect all of the time but it’s as close as possible, he thinks.

“Hey. Try this for me?” You’re holding out a spoon, a little bit of pasta sauce on the end, your free hand cupped underneath it to catch any that might fall. “Please?”

You never need to say please with him, Aaron thinks, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like the way it sounds in your voice.

He leans towards you, bending to taste what you’re offering him.

“It’s perfect, sweetheart.”

Hotch isn’t lying, but even if it wasn’t perfect, he’d still tell you it was. If only to see the way your face lights up with your smile, the way you bounce a little on your feet.

#aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner x you #aaron hotchner x y/n #aaron hotchner imagines #aaron hotchner imagine #aaron hotchner blurbs #aaron hotchner blurb #aaron hotchner fanfic #aaron hotchner fic #aaron hotchner fanfiction #aaron hotchner requests #aaron hotchner request #aaron hotchner fluff #aaron hotch x you #aaron hotch x reader #aaron hotch hotchner #aaron hotch fluff #aaron hotch imagine #aaron hotch fic #hotch x you #hotch x reader #hotch blurbs #aaron hotch fanfiction #hotch criminal minds #ssa aaron hotchner #criminal minds #criminal minds hotch #agent hotchner #hotch fluff

[wardenparker]

For Protection

Joel Miller x female reader Co-written with @absurdthirst

Rating: E for Explicit Word Count: 16.1k Warnings: Cursing, food, references to unplanned pregnancy, past pregnancy, mentions of lost loved ones/family, some talk about bodily functions (nothing weird, I promise), angst, comfort, so much yearning, flirting, fingering. Joel calling his daughter ‘baby girl’ gets its own warning. Summary: The chance to stop and rest while on the road with Joel, Ellie, and baby Caroline ends up giving you and Joel a chance to talk about some things that have been building up again since you reunited in Lake City. Notes: The third part of the “For” series is here, my loves! We just absolutely love this little found family and were so excited to visit them again. And it happily coincided with a chance to see my fairy goddaughter again, who is the real-life Caroline that I love and adore. Big love and hugs to @becsworld for finding it absolutely silly that I named a character in a story after her baby girl 💗

Also in the series: For Her For Pleasure

“Oh god.” The dramatic gagging tears Joel’s eyes off the road to the rear view mirror. Finding Ellie slapping her hand over her nose and turning green. “I think she shit again.” She groans “Why do babies shit so much?”

He rolls his eyes, nose twitching as the first waft of the pungent aroma of baby shit works its way to the front of the car. The very proof needed that Caroline had indeed shit herself and it was going to be a foul diaper. “Babies shit. They eat, sleep, cry and shit.” He grunts, looking back at the road and for a safe place to pull off for a quick pit stop. It was an opportunity to scout for more gas as well. “That’s all teenagers seem to do too.”

"I won't make you change her diaper this time, El." You chuckle from where you are twisted slightly in the front seat, wiggling your finger in Caroline's mighty grip to make her coo and giggle. Joel had insisted that Ellie learn a few basics of taking care of the baby before the four of you set out on the road together and that included changing diapers. And while she had learned, she certainly hadn't been happy about it.

“God, it’s so gross.” Ellie whines. “I’m rolling down the window.” She huffs, trying to wiggle closer to the window to reach the button but Joel presses the locks.

“No.” He grunts. “We’re stopping.”

There's the fading remnants of a big food mart up ahead. One of the ones that has a gas station in the side parking lot, and you know you'll at least find a counter inside that you can spread Caroline's blanket out on to turn it into a changing station. "Do you think we could go inside?" It doesn't look too decrepit. There might even be some kind of food or supplies left if you dig hard enough.

“Let me check it out first.” Joel won’t deny you the opportunity to try to scavenge for supplies but he has become over cautious with where he lets you go with Caroline in tow.

"We'll stay put and stink up the car while you scout." That draws a groan from Ellie, but you just shake your head and laugh. It had been a miracle to get the car in the first place – trading the house you had renovated and lived in to two families who had pooled their resources to make it a fair trade. Now they have a home, and you have a car with a trunk full of gear and some food.

“Just a quick look.” The car pulls to a stop and Joel throws it in park. Anxious eyes find yours and he pulls the gun out of the holster on his hip to hand to you. “Get behind the wheel.” He reminds you. The same order that has been drilled into your head every time a stop happens and he is out of sight. He pops the trunk to retrieve the rifle, not wanting to stash it in the backseat with the kids.

"I got it," you promise him, climbing over things to get into the driver's seat. There are rules that need to be followed out here and you and Ellie both had promised Joel that what he said was law while you were traveling.

“Good girl.” He grunts, quickly walking back to grab the rifle and checks to make sure that it is properly loaded, even though he had checked it just this morning.

"These places used to be so much fun to come to when I was a kid." Sometimes when it's just you and Ellie, you slip into this odd sort of nostalgia and end up telling her odd things about the past. "My mom would make a whole day out of it. We would come up to the store like this near us in the late morning and eat all the samples they were handing out all over the store for our lunch."

"Samples?" Ellie tilts her head and then her eyes widen when she understands what you are meaning. "They gave away free food!" She exclaims, leaning forward to both escape the noxious fumes and to talk to you. "That's so cool. I bet it was good food too!"

“Sometimes it was. Sometimes it was weird. But that’s why you had to try it and find out.” Even while you’re talking, you keep your eyes on the door where Joel disappeared. The fact that he goes and does these sweeps without Ellie for back up drives you insane, but there’s nothing you can really do about it. Not when he reminds you quietly how important she is and turns those great big brown eyes on you.

“He’ll be okay.” Ellie assures you, her own eyes on the door and tense. It’s better now that you and the baby are with them, she feels safer, but there’s still a whole lot of shit to deal with. “He’s old, but he’s fucking tough.”

“I know he is. That doesn’t stop me from worrying though.” That’s your child’s father in there, and you tell yourself that that is why you care so much.

“I know.” Ellie looks over at Caroline as the first sound of unhappiness starts to wind up from the baby. “Oh shit, he needs to hurry.”

“You know she always calms down.” The first time Ellie had borne witness to a long crying spell she acted like it was the end of the world, which honestly you could understand. It was only the first time. But sweet little Caroline always calms down eventually, and this one makes sense as you reach your hand out to her again to see if you can distract her with finger puppets. “You’d be upset too if you were sitting in your own waste.”

“I know.” Twisting in her seat, Ellie puffs up her cheeks and crosses her eyes. “Hey, hey, it’s okay.” She chants softly, scrunching up her nose when Caroline pauses mid-squawk to stare at her. It might be temporary, but it was a good distraction from waiting for Joel. The kid was cute, when she wasn’t covered in baby shit.

“She really likes you.” Caroline has a sort of fascination with Ellie that you can’t place, which has resulted in some very sweet – if temporary – moments between them. She will look at the older girl with absolute awe sometimes and just start giggling happily, leading the teen to ask once if it was possible the baby was plotting her murder.

“She’s really cool.” Ellie admits, grinning when Caroline reaches for her and squeals happily. Her hand immediately is grabbed by the younger girl and she tugs like all babies do. “For a poop machine.”

You’re laughing softly when Joel appears at the door of the large store again and waves to give you the all clear. “Looks like we’re okay,” you tell Ellie before turning back to make sure Caroline is all set. “Come on, baby girl,” you coo at her, having picked up the nickname from Joel. “Daddy says it’s safe inside, so let’s go get you changed.”

Joel watches as you take the baby out of the car seat he had stolen from an abandoned car and put her in the basket you would carry her in. He had been thinking about trying to find one of those things that strap a kid to your chest. That might be easier and leave everyone with two hands to use. “There’s still some stuff in here.” He assures you. “Doors are still good. Maybe we can camp early tonight.”

“That would be nice.” Four walls to sleep inside of again would definitely be a trade up. You could roll out the sleeping bags and actually stretch out instead of sleeping cramped in the car. “What kind of supplies are still hanging around?”

“Some that I think you’re going to be very happy about.” Joel chuckles as he motions to the box that is on the ground just off to the side. Disposable diapers. He had done a quick sweep of the store, but that aisle had caught his attention. There was also one case of baby wipes left, although they were probably no good.

“Holy shit.” Your appreciative groan is very real. Cloth diapers on the road are not an ideal situation by any means. “I could kiss you for finding those.”

Ellie snorts, smirking. “Kissing got you into this situation.” She reminds you, making Joel roll his eyes.

“Just for that, you change her.” He grumbles at the teenager, trying to ignore the urge to collect on that kiss.

“I’ll change her.” The way Ellie looks so dismayed at being tasked with the job practically has you giggling. “You should watch though, Ellie. So I can show you how these diapers work.”

Joel does chuckle, lifting his brows when Ellie swings a glare towards him and just waits her out as she huffs.

The agreement that all three grown people should know how to take care of the baby’s basic needs has caused no end of huffing and puffing from Ellie, but still she always learns. She’s aces at feeding the little girl, always good for some play time, and likes to tell the baby stories that she’s read in old books or comic books. In another life – the life before this one – she would have made an amazing big sister. Even in this world, she’s a damn good surrogate for that role.

When you pick Caroline up from the basket, Joel takes his rifle off his shoulder and shoves it into Ellie’s hands. “I’ll do it.” He volunteers, having plenty of experience with dirty diapers before the Outbreak. He had raised Sarah by himself, with Tommy lending a hand sometimes.

“Sure.” You have intentionally encouraged them to bond – Joel and his daughter – and now you hand her over without a fuss. She waves her little fists in the air as if cheering to find her daddy in view again, then promptly remembers she has a full diaper and the terrible tremble of her chin starts all over again. It’s wails this time instead of squawks, and you tut in sympathy as Joel carries her over to an empty counter to get her cleaned up.

“It’s okay, baby girl.” He coos softly, chortling at her with a soft smile on his normally serious face. It’s hard not to lower his guard around this baby, his baby. “We’re going to get you cleaned up,” he looks over his shoulder. “Open up the diapers and see if those wipes haven’t dried out, will you?” He asks, concentrating on unwrapping Caroline from her little sleeper and chuckling when she kicks a foot. “I know, I know. We’ll have you changed in no time.”

One of the diapers is pulled free of the package easily and you set it next to him, but frown when you pry open the package of wipes. “These are goners,” you tell him, obvious disappointment lacing your frown. “That would have been too good to be true.”

“That’s alright.” Joel tuts and shakes his head. “I’ll just set up a soaking bucket like we’ve been doing.”

“I’ll do it.” There is a rhythm to things already. Just a couple of weeks together and so far you haven’t wanted to kill each other or yell or disagreed on the way things should be done. It’s given you…thoughts that absolutely won’t go away. Butterflies in your belly, a spike in your heart rate, sweaty palms from nerves that make no sense because what do you have to be nervous about? You’ve literally already had this man’s baby. It doesn’t get more intimate than that. But still you feel like a schoolgirl half the time you look at him.

“Thanks.” He nods and keeps his eye on Caroline as he unpins her diaper, well aware that the squirming baby could work her way off the counter. Or spray him with a geyser of urine. The myth that only boys sprayed like a water hose was well dispelled when he was a young father.

It takes a little coordination, but Caroline gets changed with only a small amount of fuss, and soon she’s a happily babbling little baby again with no concept of the dangers of the world or the fact that you’ll be sleeping in an abandoned box store tonight. “Next time she cries it will be for dinner,” you predict, unable to keep the little smile of your face at the sight of Joel holding your little girl.

“That’s okay. Maybe we can find something to make a carrier for her.” Joel murmurs, enjoying the cuddliness of his daughter for another moment before she has to go back in the basket.

“That would be good.” It would be much easier to carry her, certainly. “Maybe we can go take a closer look around while she’s not being fussy?”

“Yeah.” Holding out his hand for the rifle, Joel sends Ellie a pointed look. “Stay close by.” He knows the girl wants to go scout for her own supplies, but she also has a tendency to find trouble. Joel’s anxiety had more than tripled since leaving your old community, aware of how vulnerable all of you are out here with the baby.

It’s a slow and steady pace, working through this empty store. There are a few things left but they tended to be punctured or broken containers so the items were already spoiled. You’re feeling like this pit stop might be a waste except for the diapers when the group of you come across the stairs that lead up to the store offices. “It’s worth a look,” you suggest to Joel with a shrug, knowing that he would be the one to go up there first. The stairs are fine, but if there’s a clicker or a raider up there, he won’t want either of the kids anywhere near that.

His flashlight shines on the steps before he places his foot, tilting up so he can see in front of him and then back down again. Slowly climbing, he’d rather take his time than alert anything that might be up there. He looks over his shoulder at you when he gets to the top and then adjusts his grip on the handgun he had traded for the rifle. It was better in close quarters like this.

Ellie reaches back, one hand on your shoulder where Caroline is currently resting, as Joel disappears out of sight. For her, with the way she is coming to feel about Joel even unconsciously, it is now her job to make sure you and the baby are safe. The rifle is in her hands and she is the protector, watching over people who need it. It makes her stand up a little taller. Hold her chin a little higher. And you have that thought again about what a wonderful big sister she would have made.

The door is closed, making Joel pause for a moment before reaching for it. Feeling the handle turn easily, the door creaks open and the sight has Joel jumping back, startled.

The dried husk of an infected, separated from its group, is plastered to two of the walls, limbs akimbo and mouth open in the impression of a blood-curdling scream. Whoever had been hiding in here hadn’t been discovered for a very, very long time, and neither had their stash. Once Joel can tear his eyes off of the figure in front of him, his light sweeps the room and falls upon stacks and stacks of cans, bottles, and boxes. A small mountain of supplies has been sitting untouched just waiting for no one — until now.

Grimacing, Joel steps towards the body and checks with the barrel of the gun just to make sure that nothing moves or sprouts. When nothing does, he’s satisfied and steps back outside the door. “There’s a stash up here.” He tells you. “And a body. It’s dried out.”

That has Ellie on the move instantly, and you carefully climb the steps behind her with Caroline valiantly fighting sleep on your shoulder. This was definitely an office – there’s a desk and faded bullshit corporate motivational posters peeling off the walls to prove it – and whoever had been here had obviously intended to stay. “Holy shit is that bottled water?” You gasp, finding your eyes drawn to the bottom of the pyramid of packages.

“It is.” Joel chuckles and shakes his head. “It was a good idea. Staking out a store and keeping a large portion of the supplies for themselves.”

“It would have been a good idea,” Ellie snorts, barely inches away from the body on the wall. “If they hadn’t gotten themselves fungi-fied.”

Joel rolls his eyes, but his lips curve up in a quick smirk. “Let’s see what they have stored up here and hopefully have ourselves a good meal tonight.” The idea of carrying everything downstairs makes him groan, but more supplies are more supplies.

Boxes of beans, lentils, and rice come down the stairs. Jars of popcorn and bottles of soy sauce and honey. Salt, sugar, vinegar, even bottles of real maple syrup. There is powdered milk and even bottles of wine along with the water. Hand sanitizer and cleaning products. More than they could possibly fit into the car. When it’s all piled up in front of you, you almost can’t even laugh in amazement. “That guy really was just going to live his whole life in that office if he could.”

“Looks like.” Joel snorts and shakes his head. “Too bad he didn’t stock up on tampons.”

Ellie has clearly already thought of that and makes a grumbling sound, but you nudge her with your elbow. “You should find this place’s bathroom,” you suggest to the teen. “See if maybe the coin op machines or supply cabinets still have anything in them. Sometimes public bathrooms had little vending machines for tampons or pads.” They usually weren’t the best quality, but something is always better than nothing.

“Heyoooo.” Ellie smirks and nods. “I’m on it.” She grabs her bag, making sure her gun is in it and darts off into the darkness.

******

“We’re not going to be able to take all this with us.” The stash is honestly pretty impressive, and you stand next to the old Customer Service Counter where everything is piled with one hand on Caroline in her basket as she naps. “We should pick out the stuff that will be the best to use on the road and use some of the other stuff while we’re in one place.” Talking business - being practical - it helps you focus. There’s less time to get lost in Joel’s endless brown eyes if you’re planning three steps ahead.

“Diapers come with us.” Joel huffs. “And all the powdered milk. Maybe–” he scratches his chin. “Do you think they have bottles here? At least one or two? Or those sippy cups?”

“I can take a closer look at the non-perishable aisles.” On the road it’s a lot harder to feed Caroline anything besides the obvious times you breastfeed, and the milk will be invaluable. “It doesn’t look like anyone’s been in here in a long time so I don’t think we should have trouble tonight.”

“No, we shouldn’t.” Joel nods. “Why don’t I go check for gas?” He asks. “I can take the baby with me.”

“If you’re sure.” You never say no to him wanting to spend time with Caroline, and you keep your deeply felt competency kink to a damn minimum with just a smile. Joel doing chores and being a dad only reinforces what you’ve had to admit to yourself over these last few weeks – that you did, in fact, fall in love with him that night a year and a half ago. And that it may have faded a little, but it came screaming back the second he reappeared in your life.

“Course I’m sure.” He sends you a small wink and puts the gun back in the holster so he can take the basket. “Go do some shoppin’, I’ve got our baby girl, honey.” If it weren’t for the fact that there hasn’t been power, or employees, in this store he could have passed for any husband encouraging his wife to have a break from the baby.

The fucking mess of a cliché you become when he does something so normal and so sweet is why you’re rooted to the spot gazing longingly at the door when Ellie comes back from exploring the bathrooms with her backpack stuffed fuller than it was before. “Found a lot of tampons and pads.” She crows happily, tossing her bag down with slight relief. It’s a pain to bleed through shit when there’s nothing to put in her panties but ripped up clothes. “Whatcha doin’?”

“Oh—um—Joel took Caroline to go scout for gas.” You snap back to reality from your little floating fantasy of being a normal family in normal times and offer Ellie a smile. “I’m gonna go look for bottles or sippy cups or whatever else we can find. You wanna come?”

“Sure.” She shrugs slightly and then grins at you. “So were you daydreaming about baby daddy?” She coos teasingly. Even if she doesn’t understand what you see in Joel – he’s a man, ewww – she recognizes the looks you sometimes get when you think no one is paying attention.

Joel and Ellie might have a weird, sarcastic, father-daughter thing going on without either of them admitting it, but your own relationship with Ellie is a lot easier. You’re fairly comfortable together. Laugh together. And occasionally tease each other about girly shit to boot. “What if I was?” You ask her, side-eyeing the teen as you head for the baby supply aisle. “You gonna tell on me?”

“Might.” She jokes, knocking into your shoulder playfully. “Nahhhh, I’m not a snitch.” She laughs at her own comment and points her flashlight around. “Do you— do you regret it?” She asks after a moment. “Having her and not knowing if you would ever see him again? I mean, I know you did see him again, but….before?”

“No.” It’s a surprisingly easy answer for you, considering everything that raising a child in this new world entails, but you shake your head. “I was upset a lot when I was pregnant. Blaming him…or missing him and pretending it was blame. But the second she was born I knew that what he’d actually given me was a gift. Not something to hold a grudge over or regret.”

For a teenager, Ellie is surprisingly introspective. “It’s like you got to keep a piece of a single good moment?” She asks. “That’s something that’s rare.”

“That’s exactly it.” Knocking Ellie’s shoulder in turn gets her to smile again. “She’s my little reminder to remember the good times when things are hard.”

“Yeah.” She never met her mother, never even knew her name, and she frowns. Thinking about what Marlene had told her during those precious few hours before she was handed off to Joel. “She’s cool. And funny when she makes herself laugh.”

“And you’ve been a huge help in taking care of her.” It may not be her favorite thing, but she does a good job at it and it shows in her pride. “Didn’t think you’d ever get to be a big sister, did you?”

“Nahhh.” She shakes her head. “They kept the little kids separate from us in the FEDRA school.”

“And now look at you. An old pro after just a couple of weeks.” The demand for baby supplies when this store was last looted seems to have been small, thank god, and there are even some packages with old school basic baby toys like teething keys and some packs of things like toddler socks and baby bibs - things you never thought you would find anywhere. There is a whole one sippy cup remaining intact on the shelf and you could practically cheer over it.

“That’s a cool little cup.” Ellie takes the package from you and examines it. “So she doesn’t spill anything, right?”

“Exactly.” You nod, checking the shelves over for anything you might have missed. “All that powdered milk that Joel found in the office is going to be great for her.”

“That’s cool.” Food for Caroline is important, even Ellie can understand that. “I can’t remember the last time I had milk.”

“Do you want to have a sip the next time I make some up for the baby?” It won’t be the same, obviously, but you’re with Ellie. You can’t remember the last time you had a glass of cold milk. It sounds like the most amazing thing in the world right now.

“No, no, you save that for her.” Ellie knows how precious that can be and how much Caroline will rely on it. “I’m good. Hey–” she grins at you. “You can use that bottled water to make up the milk for her.”

“Yes we can.” And you cannot say what a relief it is that you won’t have to figure out how to get water and boil it clean before being able to make milk. “Between me and the boxes of powder, we should be able to keep her fed and happy until we get to Jackson.” Of course her diet is lacking, but it’s not like you could cook her fresh applesauce on the road or have access to bananas or puréed baby food of any kind. As soon as you get settled again, you’re restarting your garden with all the seeds and saplings you packed before you left Lake City.

“You know…” She frowns as she thinks about the foods that she had carried down. “I think there are some freeze dried fruits in those boxes.” She tells you. “Could you rehydrate them and feed them to her?”

If there are, we can absolutely do that.” The idea that the stash Joel found is actually a goldmine is a little overwhelming. You knew things would be hard on the road but you don’t want your baby girl to have to suffer for it.

“Cool.” She flashes you a proud grin. “I’ll look for them when we get back over to the pile.” She wants to help and contribute. Looking back at the shelves, she shrugs. “Anything else she might need? I have room in my pack.”

After a moment you almost climb the shelf, seeing something up a little too high for you to grab that might be the biggest find of them all. “If I boost you up, can you grab that box?” You ask Ellie, pointing to the corner of the green and white cardboard just out of reach. Joel would be able to get it with no problem, but he’s outside.

“No problem.” She scoffs at you and hands you the sippy cup back so she can scramble up the shelving with only a curse or two.

She’s a scrappy kid, and in under a minute she’s back down to you with a prize so precious you could cry. “Ellie,” you gasp when she hands it over. “You have no idea how great this is!”

“A breast pump?” She’s bewildered when she reads the box and just looks at you like you’ve grown a second head. “What’s so great about that?”

“You know how sometimes your boobs hurt when you’re on your period? Or they just feel a little swollen or sensitive?” The teen nods and you blow out a sigh. “Being able to breastfeed Caroline is fantastic, but it means I always feel full and sore. This way, I can pump some of the milk and put it in water bottles after we empty them. I just have to figure out how to keep it from spoiling.” If that’s at all possible. It’s not like you have a cooler full of ice in the trunk. “And the bottle means that either you or Joel can feed the baby now.”

“That would be cool!” She nods, grinning at the idea. Babies aren’t too bad, especially one that is as cute as Caroline.

“Let’s head back to the front of the store and see if you were right about that fruit.” With your hands full of baby things you are bordering on feeling normal all over again and it’s so soothing. New things for Caroline are rare, and chances to see Joel feeding her might be playing into that domestic fantasy you entertain right before falling asleep at night…and sometimes during the day.

******

Outside, Joel sucks on the hose until the gas hits his tongue and he quickly shoves the hose in the can. Spitting and coughing as Caroline gurgles and squeals in the basket beside him. “So that’s funny, huh baby girl?” He demands roughly, coughing slightly still but he can’t help but grin at her spit bubbling coo. “Fuck, I can’t believe how sweet you are.”

Caroline burbles, waving her hands like she’s at a rock concert and clapping every so often. She’s gotten the hang of single syllables like mah and guh so far and they’re peppered in her little sounds, making Joel chuckle again. “Tell me about it.” He hums, watching the level on the gas can rise. There’s another one nearby and it seems like this place is literally a gold mine for supplies. Which makes Joel sigh in relief.

“Da.” The giggling little mass of limbs and blankets proclaims, putting her hands out straight before wriggling with joy again.

Joel’s heart stops, or maybe it starts. Another layer of the icy protection he had built up around it cracking and falling away with a gasp and nearly physical pain. “Yeah? Da da! That’s me, baby girl.” He swaps the cans over quickly and bundles her up into his arms. “Da!” He prompts.

“Da!” She squeals again, apparently delighted to have gotten her message through to him. She swings both little fists down onto his shoulder with as much force as a seven-month-old can muster. “Da!”

“Oh my godddd.” Joel chokes out, tears springing to his eyes as he holds her close. Remembering Sarah’s first time saying Da and feeling so overwhelmed that he is experiencing it again, already in love with his new daughter. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you.” He rasps. “I promise.”

"Joel?" Leaving Ellie with the stash inside, you had slipped out the front door of the store again to check on him and see if he'd been able to find any gas. Instead you see him sitting with his back to the Volvo with Caroline cradled to his chest and tears streaking down his cheeks. "Oh my god." Instantly you're at his side, only not fully panicking because Caroline is babbling happily at his shoulder. "Is everything okay? What happened?"

“Hey– no, it’s– it’s good.” He shakes his head as you rush over, checking her. He doesn’t blame you, he would do the same. “She– she said Da.” He explains. “And I–” shrugging helplessly, he looks at you as if you should know how he is feeling.

"Oh..." Suddenly you're biting your lip and holding back your own tears as you look at the two of them together. Gently brushing the whisper soft hair on Caroline's head away from her eyes, you end up leaning in to press a kiss to her forehead and sigh. "Sometimes I can't wait until she's old enough to be talking to us and being her own little self, and then other times I can't believe how fast she's already growing."

“I— I can’t believe it.” He reaches out with the hand that isn’t holding Caroline to him. “I never– after Sarah, I never thought I would– I would have this again.” The words come out soft, broken. “And yet– she’s here.”

When he reaches for you you're helpless but to take the invitation, curling against his side so that the three of you are a little pile of cuddles on the ground beside the car. "Thank you for her." Your voice is just as quiet as his is, hushed in the intimacy of the moment. "She's the best thing that ever happened to me."

“It was distinctly my pleasure.” He jokes quietly, chuckling. “I— will keep both of you safe.” He promises again. “On my life.”

"You're not tied to us, Joel. You know that." The deal has been fairly clean cut. Once you get to Jackson, you're going to find your family and set up house again in the new community, so that Caroline can be raised safely if safety is at all possible. What Joel needs to do or not do with Ellie is his own business, and you've never had the guts to ask him what he planned on doing after that was over. Whether or not he would want to come back to make a life with his daughter. With you. "It's always up to you what you want to do."

He frowns and shakes his head. “I am tied to you.” He insists. “This is my daughter and you….” He breaks off. “You…are…important.” He has a fucking hard time admitting his emotions but his eyes are soft and pleading with you to understand. More expressive than his face could ever be.

"You're important to me, too." That is the very least of it, but it's the most you can manage without grappling a whole lot with emotions that you have barely sorted through. "And I'm not saying that I don't want you to be with us." It is, honestly, the biggest thing that you do want. But you know that you're talking about something big and you have absolutely no reason to believe that he's there yet. Or if he ever would be at all. "But I don't want you to feel forced. That's all I'm saying."

“I’m not feeling forced.” If you only understood how often he stays awake all night, watching over you and Caroline. It was bad enough when it was just Ellie, but now… he runs off the pure need to protect all of you.

"Good." You gently tighten your hand around his and nudge closer to him. "Because we're your family. And I've seen enough bullshit families in my life to know that when those people force you into staying around, you end up resenting them." The people you're going out west to find are the best of your biological family, in your opinion. The ones who never forced and always supported. The ones you want to be like now.

Family. He had told Ellie that you keep going for family and that’s what he’s doing. “I could never resent you or Caroline.”

"Ellie asked me if I regretted it." It comes tumbling out of your mouth faster than you can stop yourself, and you end up hiding your face from him so he can't see that feeling in your eyes. "But I don't. I can't. Not when that night gave us her."

“I don’t regret it either.” Joel hums, smirking and rolling his eyes. “But I also didn’t grow her for months and have to push her out of my body.” He regrets not being there, no knowing even if there was no way he could have known. He had thought about taking you back to Boston if you hadn’t adamantly said you were going west. “If it had happened before the Outbreak….” He shrugs. “Who knows what we would have done. Don’t think sleeping in a car counts as livin’ together.”

"If this was before the Outbreak, my father would have had you proposing at gunpoint." The visual makes you shake your head, laughing ruefully as you remember insisting that Joel put down his gun while you both stripped to prove you weren't infected the night you met.

“There are worse ways to end up married.” He chuckles and rubs Caroline’s back. “We should get set up for the night. We can load all the supplies up in the morning. Even make a fire in the building once we get it locked down.” He smirks. “I think there were some mattresses we could lay out.”

"A mattress." You groan happily and push yourself back to your feet before taking Caroline from him so that he can stand as well. After sleeping in a car, even a mattress on concrete sounds amazing. "Did you find enough gas?"

“Two cans worth.” Joel nods. “And there might be more, but I got distracted.”

"She's a cute little distraction." Cute, and grasping at your earlobes like they're pull toys. "Come on, baby girl. Let's let Da finish up and I'll feed you dinner?" Shooting Joel an excited grin, you shift the baby up on your arms. "You'll never believe what Ellie and I found. An untouched breast pump."

“Really?” He arches a brow in surprise. “That’s amazing, although I’ll miss watching you feed her.” He hums. You had allowed him to watch, especially at night, and it was still breathtakingly gorgeous. Even if the surroundings are crumbling and moldering, you with his daughter at your breast looks like Madonna and Child to him.

"You'll just have to be horny while I pump instead," you tease, knowing that that was not at all the primary reason for letting Joel in on the intimacy of Caroline's feedings. But still, you're in a good enough mood to tease him about it.

He grunts, not willing to voice the small feeling of guilt at how accurate that will be. It’s been a long goddamn time and he hasn’t tried to make any overtures towards you. “I’ll keep it in my pants.” He promises, smirking slightly.

"That would be a first for us." He hands you the baby's basket and you toss him a wink like he had given you earlier. "I'm gonna go back inside. You coming with me or are you gonna work on getting more gas before you lose the light?" He can always go back to it in the morning, but you know that Joel sometimes overprepares with good reason.

“Have the kid make a fire and I’ll bring in the sleeping bags as soon as I’m done.” He decides. “We’ll block the door and then sleep peacefully.”

"Sounds like a plan." Peaceful sleep hasn't happened since leaving Lake City, so that part of the plan sounds absolutely amazing.

Once he’s watched you walk with Caroline back into the store, Joel gets back to work. There are three other cars to check and he wants to strap as many cans of gas to the trunk as he can.

******

By the time he comes back inside things are looking more organized and Ellie has a fire going inside of a stone lawn decor oddity and you have some supplies laid out to put together a dinner for the three of you. There was a working kitchen in this store at one point – they must have sold pre-prepared foods – and you managed to find a decently sized saucepan and big metal spoon to essentially just have a functional stew pot. These are definitely things that can come with you to cook over an open fire on the road.

The doors shut behind him, Joel starts to push the large shelves that were nearby in front of them. To keep prying eyes out as well as to provide a barrier against anyone who might come during the night. He had hidden the gas and made the car look like it was one of the others in the parking lot.

"Beans and rice for dinner." You inform him from across the front of the store. Ellie had jumped up to help him with the shelves but Joel's seemingly inhuman strength got the job done before she could get to him. "I wonder if that popcorn still has any pep in it. Ellie says she's never had it before."

“Wouldn’t doubt that.” Joel hums. “I know I saw some hot sauce in the supplies but were there Tums?” He asks, lifting a brow. Getting older sucks and he knows he doesn’t want to stay up all night with heartburn.

"In my backpack." There wasn't a huge amount to be had, but what there is is precious. Heartburn had been the bane of your existence during pregnancy. "Hot sauce makes everything better."

“Everything.” He chuckles. “Especially when it’s Ellie’s turn to warm up food.” He smirks when the teenager stops poking the fire to glare at him.

Caroline seems to protest on Ellie's behalf and you chuckle, looking over at her basket to see her pouting at you heavily in that way that implies crying is imminent. "Uh oh," you hum, reaching for the baby. "I think it's dinner time for this one before it is for us." Typically you just cover yourself when you need to feed her, not wanting to make Ellie uncomfortable or even incur that conversation. This time you push up onto your feet and coo at your baby before offering the other two a smile. "I'm going to take a little stroll around the store while she eats. Pretend it's just a normal ass shopping trip."

“I’ll cook.” Joel nods, handing you the flashlight and leaning down to kiss the baby before he moves away reluctantly. He would walk with you if he could but everyone needs to eat and tonight will be a hearty meal.

"I can do it." Ellie insists, looking between the two of you like she's sure there's some kind of adult code going on that she doesn't quite understand. "It's just making sure it doesn't boil over, right? That's easy as fuck."

He’s doubtful but as he stares at her long enough for her to roll her eyes and sigh like all dramatic teens do. “Come on, man.” She huffs and he rolls his own eyes.

“Fine, but if you burn it, you eat it all.” He warns her.

The soft smile you aim at Ellie when Joel’s back is turned is for her eyes only, and you nod a small thanks to her before stepping away. She understands on a basic level, even if she doesn’t get why you feel so strongly about Joel, and you have to wonder if she’s had someone special to her already. Or worse, if she had lost them.

He tells himself that it’s just to make a final check of the building. Make sure there’s nothing he’s missed. Or hold the flashlight he’s already taken back and is holding steady as the two of you start to walk. “Feels like we should have a shopping cart.” Joel jokes, filling the silence as Caroline suckles hungrily.

“Just a little Sunday shopping trip for the family.” The slow and steady stroll is positively intimate, even though you don’t reach for his hand or anything like that. You’re focused on not jostling Caroline too much, even though she likes when you move around during meal time. “This place is huge, it’s nice for a walk.”

“It is.” Joel nods and imagines what that might look like before the outbreak. “When Sarah was younger, didn’t have much money. So it was about buying the most I could with what I had. Sunday was about my only day off.”

“What did you do?” You ask, realizing that because careers don’t much matter anymore, you don’t actually know what he used to do for work.

“Contractor.” Joel shakes his head. “By the end, I had my own business. Building a house that same damn day everything came crashing down. Never finished it.” Ironic that he’s nostalgic over a house he had been cursing all that day. Maybe because if he had finished it, it would have meant the world wouldn’t have fucking burned and Sarah would have been right beside him still. Or married and made him the grandpa Ellie keeps teasing him that he is.

“I was right to figure you for a hands on kind of guy.” Thoughts of him while you were apart had gone all kinds of ways, but the image of Joel as someone who worked hard and built things himself was always your favorite. He had been meticulous in the way you were together and you couldn’t see him being anything else in his work.

He chuckles and looks over at you with a sideways grin. “Have that look, huh?” He teases, knowing that he looks his age, and god knows he feels it.

“For a long time, my only memories of you were very hands-on,” you remind him with a smirk.

“Apparently I did a very thorough job.” He huffs with an ironic smile, reaching over to caress Caroline’s head as she eats. “The greedy little trophy is right here.”

A rueful laugh escapes your lips as you shake your head, smiling down at her regardless. “My nipples will never be the same.”

“They were nice nipples from my recollection.” Joel hums, thinking about that one night you had together.

“You seemed to be a fan.” When you laugh it’s more of a huff, and you peak down at Caroline again to see she’s starting to slow down. “Now they have a big stamp on them that says ‘Property of Miss Caroline Miller’, don’t they, baby?”

“What can I say? Imma guy.” He jokes, shrugging his shoulders. “I think it’s ingrained in our DNA.”

“Oh believe me, I’m not upset about it in the least.” Looking up at him beside you, you nearly sigh – that dreamy feeling in your chest coming back full force. “Not at all.”

He catches the look, his own heart clenching and flexing under the force of it. Knowing that this is his – to keep and protect – and it is something that scares him down to his very marrow. You, the baby, Ellie, all of you counting on him. Caroline gurgles, pulling your nipple out of her mouth and Joel immediately stops, setting the flashlight down and reaching for her. “I’ll hold her. Burp her.”

“Here.” The cloth you had on your shoulder is just a length of ripped sheet from your old house, but when it’s folded up it makes a decent burping cloth and you put it on Joel’s shoulder instead so you can rearrange your clothes once he takes the baby. It’s perfunctory, but these are the moments of intimacy that you have with him now. All revolving around your daughter.

“Thanks honey.” Joel smiles as he hoists his daughter up onto his shoulder. “She likes to soak me. I think she’s getting me back for not helping you when you were carryin’ her or pushin’ her out.”

“You know I don’t begrudge you for that,” you tell him quietly, picking up the flashlight after you straighten yourself out. “It’s not something you have to beat yourself up for, Joel. You didn’t know.”

“I wish I was there.” He pats Caroline’s back with a steady, firm hand and rubs it every third pat. He had used the same pattern with Sarah when she was a baby. “I woulda been there for everything.”

“If I had known how to tell you, I would have.” Short of traveling to Boston and probably being shot for walking up to the gates, there was nothing you could have done. It’s not like there is a mail service anymore. “I’m just…I’m glad you’re here now. That you get to be with her.”

“Me too, honey.” Joel continues to burp the baby until there is a loud belch that comes bursting out and he chuckles. “She’s gassy tonight.”

“Always an elegant little princess.” You laugh right along with him, obviously not meaning a word of it.

“We all will be after the beans and rice.” He jokes, winking at you and transferring her in the cradle of his arms so she can look up at him sleepily.

“And then we’ll all be instantly sleepy, just like that.” It isn’t the same as it used to be. A full belly doesn’t automatically mean relaxation and security. But a full belly is also rare enough that you’re looking forward to what you once would have considered a sparse meal. “At least we won’t be hotboxing the car tonight,” you observe with a laugh.

“Thank god.” Joel rolls his eyes. “Ellie is the worst, I swear to Christ, that kid could lay out an elephant.”

“Whoever said teenage girls were delicate must never have spent any time around actual teenage girls.” The two of you start walking again, lulling the baby into contentment in Joel’s arms as you go. “So…we should be out of Illinois tomorrow morning. We’re making good time.”

“Maybe we can stay another day?” Joel poses, looking over at you to see what you think. “It was late when we got here. Tomorrow we can reassess and see what all we can squeeze into the car.” It’s also another day with solid four walls around you and the girls, and enough food to fill your bellies to bursting. “Wash clothes, rest.”

“Sounds positively domestic.” And like a dearly needed rest, so you nod. “Another day here will give us good rest and then we can make a push on the road the day after. Getting to Jackson will just seem like a family road trip.”

He has his doubts that it will be that easy, but he nods. “Maybe we’ll actually all get a good night's sleep.”

“We’ll sleep and snack on popcorn and pack up the car. Ellie can tell us terrible jokes and the baby can stretch her legs with plenty of space to crawl. It…actually it sounds like exactly what we need.” And if you maybe take some time tomorrow to sneak away to read, that will be entirely while Caroline is napping. Joel still doesn’t know that you stole the copy of Lady Chatterly’s Lover that directly led to your affair, but it’s in the bottom of your backpack and reading it is now a lot more sentimental than arousing.

“I’ll get those mattresses set up when we get back.” He had brought the sleeping bags in and wishes that there was a playpen in the store for Caroline. “What do you think about us sharing?” He ventures. “Putting the baby between us rather than in the basket.”

“You asking to sleep with me, Joel Miller?” It’s playful. Teasing. Because there’s honestly nothing more that you want in the world – that is attainable at least – than to sleep next to this man again.

“This time is slightly different than the last time.” He retorts, just as playfully. “But yes. Always yes.”

“The answer is also always yes.” You admit quietly, looking down at your hands so he doesn’t see anything too deep or hopeful in your eyes.

The silence between you draws out, purposeful and full of silent, unspoken words. Words that Joel isn’t the best at. “Don’t know how you could be even more beautiful today than in my memory.” Joel speaks after a moment. “But you are.”

Fully stopped on one end of the store, you soften completely under that kind of praise and swallow down the words you want to say immediately. Joel isn’t the kind of guy you just dump that on, no matter what the circumstance. “Probably has more to do with the whole giving birth to your child thing.” You joke weakly, though your heart has started beating double time.

“Not really.” Joel shrugs, wondering if you weren’t happy with the compliment. He knows he’s bad with women. He only had to look at his relationship with Sarah’s mom and Tess.

“No?” That could be taken a lot of different ways, but you’re trying not to get your hopes up. Or to take it badly, since he had just called you beautiful.

“Nahhh.” He looks down at the life that you created together and smiles. “She looks just like you.” He compliments. “Thank god. Because you are– I’m surprised you didn’t have men sniffing around you, wantin’ to get close to you.”

“I had been living with all women,” you remind him, flustering under his gaze. “It just so happened that the first guy I stumbled across in the wilds happened to be the sexiest guy I’ve ever met in my life.”

“Yeah but even pregnant, I’m sure you had men wanting to be the one to help you.” He knows he would have been fiercely protective over you if he had been around.

He isn’t wrong, necessarily. Your pregnancy had attracted plenty of men who wanted to feel important or masculine. Or who thought you might be just that easy. Of course, it had also pushed away just as many potential partners. But it didn’t matter. You hadn’t been looking for one in the first place. “They weren’t you,” you murmur, barely able to look him in the face.

“I’m not–” Joel shakes his head and hates telling you this. But he’s never shied away from what he is. “I’m not a good man, honey.” He admits quietly, looking down at the innocent face of his daughter. “Things I’ve done…you’d hate me for.”

"You've survived." No one in this world is actually good anymore. It's not how things operate anymore. Goodness gets you infected or killed or taken advantage of. The fact that you had trusted Joel a year and a half ago had gotten you knocked up – and to some people that might have been horrible, or they might have thought he did it on purpose, as insane an accusation as that would be considering he did actually pull out. But goodness like it used to be? It can get you killed. "I don't expect anything from you, you know that." You shake your head sadly. "But I know you wouldn't hurt me, and you wouldn't hurt Caroline. Hell, look what you're doing for Ellie. I just—" It's so much to wrap your head around, and you shove your free hand in your pocket, letting the other shift on the flashlight nervously. "I can't help the way I feel, Joel."

“I don’t want to disappoint you.” He admits, to you and to himself. He had disappointed Tess, not even able to say anything at the end. Too closed off, too far into his own misery to admit that he had loved her. He had, in his way. But it was different from the way he loves you, loves Caroline. Even Ellie, although he hadn’t quite admitted that to himself.

“You can’t disappoint me if I have no expectations.” The reminder isn’t meant to be cruel, just realistic. You’ve never asked him for anything, he’s always been willing to give himself to you in whatever way he’s been capable of. Whatever that means to him that he isn’t able to voice, you’ll take it. “One day I might ask you for something, but not yet.” He’s promised to protect you and your daughter. To take care of you and to bring you safely to where you think your family is in Jackson. He promised those things without being asked and you accepted. Which is a very different arrangement. “What I’m never going to do is ask you to feel the same way about me that I do about you. That’s…that’s just unfair. And I don’t want to be unfair to you.”

“Maybe you should.” Joel frowns, looking off into the darkness of the aisle and sighs. “It’s – maybe you should ask me to feel how you feel.”

“No.” He’s still holding Caroline, the little angel having completely drifted off in her daddy’s arms, and you swear you wish you could take her back just so you would have something to do with your hands other than fidget. “Because then I’ll spend the rest of my life – or however long we’re together – wondering if you told me you love me because you actually do or because I asked you to. And that isn’t fair to either of us.”

He closes his eyes, having some idea that you might say that word. He wishes he could open his mouth and say that he does. He would kill for you, he would die for you. He will break his back to make sure you are happy and healthy and he wants to see you smile. To light up when you have a moment where the weariness of the world doesn’t weigh you down. “Okay.” He opens his eyes again and stops you, wanting to look into your eyes. “Then don’t ask me.” He murmurs softly. “Just remember that I’m a hands on kind of guy.”

“And I’m a words type of girl.” It weighs on you more than you expected, to know that your ways of communicating are so different, but it isn’t the end of the world. You never expected to have him in your life at all and now he’s here, so that is still more than you thought you would get from the man who gave you your miracle. “So…now I’ve said it. And I’ll probably say it again. But you never have to. That’s just…it’s better that way.”

Joel reaches out with the hand that isn’t holding Caroline to caress your cheek. Watching as your eyes flutter and he wonders where the man who had seduced you had gone. Not sure what had come over him that one night and wishing he could bring that man back. To give you what you so obviously want right now. Instead he leans in, hunching over so he doesn’t smoosh the baby between you and kisses your forehead.

“Dinner is probably ready.” It isn’t. You know it isn’t and he knows it isn’t, but if you keep standing here you’ll either outright kiss him or maybe cry, and both would be a mistake. This thing with Joel, whatever it is, it’s too big to fuck up by being impulsive. It’s your little girl’s family. It’s her whole future. And all you can hope is that it keeps building, which is why you refuse to chase him away by moving too fast. Fucking laughable considering how you got started, but here you are.

“Gotta make sure she doesn’t burn it.” Joel takes the hint and he turns to start walking back towards the front. “Get little miss sleepy back in her basket for now. Until we are ready for bed.”

“Right. Bed.” It had slipped your mind already that he asked to share a mattress with you, and now you feel even more foolish.

He wonders if you are regretting offering to share the mattress with him. Quietly and slightly bouncing a sleeping Caroline, he is slightly relieved to see that Ellie hadn’t set the area on fire as she comes back into view.

“How’s everything going over here?” Shifting focus entirely, you immediately move to where the baby basket is sitting to uncrumple the blankets so you can tuck Caroline into it.

“It’s, uh, it’s going good.” Ellie assures you, stirring the pot furiously and barely looking up.

“El,” you catch the girl’s attention with a hand on her shoulder and an amused smile. “Let me take over, honey. Maybe you can help Joel bring some mattresses over? We’re thinking of staying here an extra day to rest so comfortable places to sleep are going to be good.”

“We get to stay an extra day?” Ellie’s brows shoot up and she grins. “Cool. I’m going to sleep like a baby.”

“You’re going to cry in the middle of the night to demand cuddles?” You tease, knowing full well that that phrase is not a realistic one.

Ellie shakes her head. “Ewww no.” She huffs. “Joel will grumble and tell me to go back to sleep.”

He huffs like she isn’t completely correct but you just smother a laugh. “By the time you grab those mattresses, this might be ready to go. I’ll stay here and be Mama Bear.”

“Come on brat.” He rolls his eyes but he’s glad to have a moment alone with her. Wanting to check in and make sure she’s okay. It’s been a change to have you and Caroline along and he’s been mindful of that.

“Mattress!” Ellie groans out the word like it’s a victory, which it really is. Sleeping in the car isn’t as hard on her as it is for you or Joel but it’s still not great most of the time.

“We’ll getcha a good one.” Joel grunts as the two of them walk. “You find everything you need here?” He asks, wanting to make sure he shouldn’t hunt for anything in particular.

“Bathroom had the good stuff.” Ellie pronounces proudly, considering it her own personal stash. There’s plenty to share with you, but you don’t need them as often as she does and Joel definitely doesn’t want to hear about that. “And Mom’s gonna make popcorn while we’re here. Big day for Ellie.”

“Mom, huh?” Joel chuckles, actually enjoying the fact that Ellie has a maternal figure. Her language has softened slightly around Caroline. “Too bad we don’t have any butter. Used to coat popcorn in that shit. The more the better.”

“She said it was okay because there was salt in the stash.” Without ever actually having butter, Ellie has no reference for what she’s missing out on and just shrugs. “Whatever. Food is food. Even better if it’s good food.”

“Best popcorn was from the movie theaters.” Joel hums. “Too much popcorn, a huge Coke, a pretty girl. Perfect date.” He side eyes the girl to get her reaction.

Biting her lip, Ellie tries to banish the thoughts of Riley that immediately bubble to the surface and shrugs again, this time to shake off the shadows. So naturally, she puts the focus on embarrassing Joel. “You got two out of the three. Should I disappear for a while so you can make Caroline a big sister?”

“No.” Joel huffs, flushing in the darkness since he’s being called out. “Just goes to show you no matter how careful you are, sex isn’t fool proof.”

“It is if there’s no dicks involved,” she grumbles under her breath, nearly leaping forward to grab at the large mattresses leaning against the wall. They’re far bigger than anything she ever slept on and thicker too, convincing her again what an amazing night’s sleep she’s going to have.

“Two should do it.” Joel grabs the large mattress and grunts at the weight. He’s getting older and shit like this reminds him of that. “Feel good on my fucking back.”

“She doesn’t get to be comfortable?” The eyebrow Ellie raises at him is completely judgmental. “We need three.”

“We’re gonna put the baby between us.” Joel grunts at her, shaking his head. “That way she doesn’t roll off.”

“Oh.” Shouldering the weight of her own large mattress, Ellie side eyes Joel for a second before frowning. “So you guys are okay? It seemed pretty fuckin tense when you came back.”

“It’s alright.” Before Lake City, he would have just ignored her. Just sparing her an annoyed glance that would speak volumes. “Just– adult stuff.”

“Eww.” She has no desire to hear about their sex life. None at all. “‘Nuff said.”

“Not that.” He grunts, uncomfortable about the fact that Ellie assumes he’s sleeping with you. “That hasn’t happened.”

"You don't like her anymore?" Unendingly curious, Ellie finds the questions popping out before she can filter it. It's obvious how you feel about him, even if she doesn't quite get it, you're not very good at masking it.

Joel stops suddenly, making Ellie run forward into the mattress. “What?” He frowns. “No– I– it’s not–” he shakes his head, unable to really discern what to say so he just doesn’t and starts walking again.

"Alright, I didn't mean to make you short circuit, damn." She shakes her head in an unconscious echo of him. "It's your business, I guess. But I am here for everything."

“What would you know about it?” He hisses, annoyed that he doesn’t have a better answer.

"I'm not blind or a moron, Joel," Ellie hits back, never liking when he gets combative with her for just trying to talk. "I know she's completely fucking in love with you for some dumb ass reason."

“Yeah, well, she shouldn’t be.” He tosses back, striking on the issue that bothers him so badly. You had one night with him. One night where he wasn’t really acting like himself, rather he was more like pre-outbreak Joel. Like you were a woman in a bar that he had decided he wanted to try his luck with. Not the miserable piece of shit he is right now.

"I don't think you get to decide that for her, jackass." She huffs, annoyed on your behalf. She sure as fuck hadn't been able to choose who she fell for. It's not like being gay is easy, even if the world has supposedly changed. She's still a target just like every pre-Outbreak story of gay kids she's ever heard or read.

“I’ll – fuck, I’ll disappoint her.” Joel stops again, aware that he doesn’t want this conversation to happen where you could hear. “Or ruin her, fail her.” He’s failed everybody else, including Ellie. If he hadn’t failed her, he would have already had her to the Fireflies.

"Pretty sure the world is already ruined, and doing nothing is worse than trying even if you don't get the ultimate victory or whatever." She knows this is a serious discussion, but she's fucking fourteen years old. Her worldly experience isn't exactly at pace with his. And while most of the time she's glad about that, it does make it hard to be helpful sometimes. Like right now. Ellie shrugs again, shifting the mattress at her back and lowering her voice a little. "If you really thought you couldn't help, or didn't want to help, or take care of her and the baby, you wouldn't have said they should come with us." Ellie reasons. "Something in that thick fucking skull thought you could take better care of her on the road than she could take care of herself in that commune. And that's saying something, considering how nice that place was."

Joel sighs, knowing what she’s saying is right. He had wanted you to come, needed to be able to see you and the baby. To make sure that nothing happened to you. Instead of admitting that to her, he rolls his eyes. “Get moving. We don’t have all night.”

******

When you lay down that night with the flat pillows and patchwork blankets from your house in Lake City, all your focus is on keeping the baby comfortable. It doesn't matter that she’s been out like a light for hours now, it only matters that you don’t let yourself have illusions about sharing space with Joel.

Joel lays down, shucking his jacket and his boots. The store is locked up and the fire is still crackling between the two mattresses. Ellie is already snoring away and he can’t help but watch you as you fuss over the baby. Reaching over the small space, he sets his hand on your hip. “Are you comfortable, honey?” He asks quietly, wondering if there is something else you need.

“Yeah.” Your eyes snap up to his when he touches you, not expecting it at all. “Yeah…I…I’m just…” You’re aching for him, stupidly. For a kiss to anywhere other than your forehead or hand. To be wanted the way you want him. It’s something you’re going to have to continue to tamp down daily. “It’s nice to not be out in the open,” is what you decide to say.

“It is.” Joel can admit that. “I never sleep out there. Not well.” He’s too busy watching you and the girls sleep. Listening for any sounds of infected or worse, humans approaching. “Surprised you aren’t already asleep. She’ll be awake in a few hours, wanting some milk.”

“It’s been a while since we slept in a bed,” you reason, knowing that the real reason you’re fussing is that you’re trying to wait him out. If he passes out first, you can get yourself off quickly in the dark and get rid of this insistent ache between your legs. “I just want her to be comfortable.”

“She’s fine.” Joel frowns and looks between the baby and you. “Would you rather I not sleep here?”

“No,” you shake your head and wonder if you’re going to have to tell him the truth. “That’s not it. I promise. I’m just fidgeting.”

“Then why don’t we put her in the basket?” He might not know why you are fidgeting but he doesn’t want you to not rest. Maybe you’re worried about her moving or getting away or hurt sleeping between the two of you. “I’ve got it right next to me.” Without waiting for you to answer, he sits up and gently picks up his sleeping daughter to transfer her to the basket.

“O—okay.” Worse. This is definitely worse. You swallow thickly and watch him situate Caroline in her basket right above your heads where you can both reach. Now, with nothing between you, he feels unbearably close.

He hums softly as he lays back down, letting the silence fall between you again. It doesn’t seem like you’re too happy but he’s not good at guessing.

“I’m sorry.” You murmur after the silence has stretched too long. The sound of him breathing is like an unintentional taunt, reminding you that he’s close but so very far away. It’ll drive you crazy if you let it. “I shouldn’t have said anything. Earlier, I mean.”

“Why?” He edges closer to you, turning his head to watch you squeeze your eyes closed. “You shouldn’t be sorry. You – you just need to know that I am – that it’s–”

“I shouldn’t have brought it up because I need words and you don’t. And it’s okay that you don’t. But it’s unfair to ask you to use them when they clearly make you uncomfortable.” Whispers in the night won’t wake either of the girls, but your heartbeat feels like it is racing and screaming. “I wouldn’t have even known you were coming on to me that night unless you had been so blunt. And that’s okay.” You know not everyone communicates the same way. He had straight out told you that he communicates with actions, and that’s just who he is. For him, you’ll work hard to make the adjustment. “I’m not upset with you or anything. I promise. I just…am gonna need some time to learn how you communicate. That’s all.”

“No.” Joel closes his eyes and reaches for your hand. “You deserve the words.” His fingers lace through yours and he squeezes gently. “I– Sarah’s mother hurt me. Real bad.” He tells you quietly. “She up and left us when – hell, Sarah was about four months old. Said she didn’t love me, never wanted to be a mom and vanished.”

“That’s…a hell of a time to make that realization.” Your other hand covers his gently, sealing in the warmth and sealing in the signal that you’re listening. “I’m sorry, honey. You didn’t deserve that.”

“Didn’t matter.” He huffs. “I couldn’t wallow in my misery, I had my little girl to raise. So I did.” He sighs softly. “Never really dated much. Didn’t want to bring some woman around that could leave her again.”

“You were protecting her.” From what little he’s said about Sarah since you first learned his oldest daughter’s name, she was his entire world. She was everything that mattered on earth, and just like your sister had been taken from you – the panic of the Outbreak had quickly decided that she didn’t matter. “There’s nothing wrong with that. You took care of her and loved her enough to be her whole family and…and that’s wonderful.”

“After– when she was gone–” the words make him close his eyes, squeezing them shut from the painful ache in his chest. Twenty years gone and he still missed her like it was yesterday. “I fell into a dark place. Real dark.”

“I can only imagine.” He had had Sarah for thirteen years. Even after only seven months with Caroline, losing her would destroy you.

“I– there was someone else.” He confesses softly. “Tess. She– we were…comfortable together. She didn’t push and I didn’t give. She lost her entire family, son and husband in the weeks after the outbreak.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being a comfort to each other.” Two of the women you lived with in Maine had found comfort together – if not joy – after losing damn near everything. You know how lucky you were to have friends to hold onto. “I’m glad you had someone for that. Even if it didn’t last too long.”

Joel squeezes your hand and pulls you closer. You might be upset at him when he tells you the truth of it. “We were never…committed.” He admits, knowing Tess had her lovers even though he had only ever slept with you. “But I don’t – she died thinking I didn’t love her. I don’t ever want you to believe in your last moments that I don’t love you.”

“Oh.” He wraps one arm around your waist to pull you closer and you respond automatically, always wanting the closeness of having him near without hesitation. “Joel, I—” Everyone has lost someone. Most people lost everyone. But for him to continue to lose people must be terrifying. Rather than having everyone he loves lost in one fell swoop, he keeps having people turn away one by one. That kind of heartbreak isn’t easy to mend. “I’m so sorry, honey.” Nothing you can say to bring back the people he’s lost, but you can damn well acknowledge his pain. “My last moments are a long way away, if I can help it. I have a little girl to watch grow up,” you flash him a smile in the dim firelight. “And a grumpy Texan that I want to get to know a lot better.”

“Honey…Tess died a month ago.” He murmurs softly. “I – when you and I met, she was – she needed some time away from me. It’s why I was on that run by myself. She was with…an old friend.” He swallows and sighs. “I felt guilty when I got back. Not because I had done anything wrong. I hadn’t. But because I couldn’t stop thinkin’ about you. About that night.”

“I guess…” That takes a little extra time to process. He had been on and off with someone and just happened to be at an off point with them at the time that you met. It should make you feel awkward, or upset, or maybe like he lied to you. But what you had had was just an old-fashioned one night stand. It was nothing that turned out to mean something. You hadn’t expected it, clearly. Neither of you had. “I’m glad I didn’t go up to Boston, then. I thought about it a lot…about coming to find you. But…” With a minute shrug of your shoulders, you squeeze his fingers in yours gently. “But that would have made things hard for you. So I’m glad I didn’t.”

“It would have been alright.” Joel knows Tess would have given him shit, but he’s glad you didn’t risk it. He wouldn’t want you or Caroline in that shithole. “Honey. I want you to know that I do care about you. I didn’t stop thinkin’ about you. Wonderin’ if you had made it out west. Where you were, if you had reread that book for the thousandth time and if it reminded you of that night.”

“I—” A sheepish half-smile cracks your face and you reach into your backpack beside Caroline’s basket and come out again with the well-worn volume. “How did you know I’d taken it?”

“I doubled back to grab it and couldn’t find it.” Joel admits with a low chuckle. “Seems like we had the same idea.”

“It’s actually a good book.” Which seems downright beside the point, when the reason that you have it is that it reminds you of him, and you end up flustering a little. “Might have half of it memorized by now. I…I used to read it whenever I caught myself missing you.” Which was virtually every damn day, so you’ve read it a lot.

“You’ll have to read it to me, sometime.” Joel hums, sensing you are a little embarrassed but he doesn’t mind that you kept it.

“Only if we have a babysitter and Ellie’s otherwise occupied,” you snort, grateful for the darkness so that he can’t see your embarrassed face. “In a world without porn, this is pretty sexy stuff.”

“Better than the memory of our own porn?” He asks quietly, remembering every moan you made and how good it felt to be with you.

“Oh god no.” Again you have to stifle yourself, but this time it’s a groan. “We definitely outdid ourselves that night.”

He chuckles. “At least our baby girl will know the exact night she was conceived. And it was a good one.”

“Somehow I don’t think I’ll be telling her exactly how mommy and daddy met as a bedtime story,” you laugh in turn.

“Maybe changed a bit for tender ears.” He concedes with a grin.

“Just a bit.” Like this, curled up in his arms and laid out on a mattress on the floor, the whole feeling of the night is oddly nostalgic.

The silence isn’t heavy, but it is almost anticipatory. Waiting to see who speaks first. “What was the pre-outbreak food you craved while you were pregnant?” He asks softly, smiling at the idea of it.

"Pepperoni." You giggle quietly, bowing your head close to his chest to stifle the sound and not disturb either of the girls. "I used to dream about pepperoni. On literally anything, not just pizza. And Reese's cups."

“Pepperoni.” Joel groans quietly and nearly drools. “Do you know how many ham, bologna and pepperoni sandwiches I lived off of on job sites?”

"We used to get omelets for brunch at the house...during college." It hadn't exactly been a tradition that you could keep up with after the outbreak. "Every single Sunday I'd make normal ham and cheese or veggie omelets for everybody else...and then make myself a pizza one. Mozzarella, pepperoni, and basil in an omelet. Fucking heaven."

“That sounds great.” Joel chuckles and bites his lip. “Sarah made me breakfast the last morning. Eggs and bacon. We didn’t have pancake mix. Thank god.”

“Last I heard from my cousins, they had said…they had figured out what happened to everybody.” A soft sigh against his shirt is muffled, but that’s for the best. “My parents had gone out to dinner with my aunt and uncle that night. Something about having an adult night out.” Your eyes drift up, meeting Joel’s with sadness lacing your expression. “My aunt wanted to try a new bakery. They all…we lost them all pretty quickly, apparently.”

“I’m sorry, honey.” His hand rubs your back soothingly. Everyone still here had lost someone but that didn’t make the loss any less painful. “I really am. Hopefully we can get you back to your people so you can be with what’s left of your family.” He thinks about Tommy, about his own quest to get to him.

"If we're lucky, we'll find my cousins and your brother in the same place." The best you can do is shrug about it, knowing that luck is not something that the world has a lot of anymore.

“Maybe.” There are far more odd things to have happen, like finding the woman he had a one night stand with and learning he became a father again at fifty-six fucking years old. “We can hope.”

"I have all the hope I need right in that basket." You look up at the basket above your heads and sigh. "She's proof that good things are still possible."

Yes she is. Joel smiles softly, looking at you as you look up at the baby. “She might be the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.” He murmurs softly. “Didn’t realize how much I missed it.”

"You're good with her." It's a particularly solid nudge at your competency kink, if you're honest with yourself. "Born to be a girl dad, I guess."

“I was a single dad at twenty-three.” He reminds you. “Had to be good at it. Depended on me for everything.” Just like Caroline does you and he’ll be damned if she goes without.

"You've come back to it just like riding a bike, then." You won't press the point that he also treats Ellie like a daughter, but it's obvious to everyone who isn't them.

“Some things you never forget how to do.” He’s a bit smug about that, the fact that he had impregnated you the only time you were together hitting the pleasure zone of his dormant caveman genes.

"Yeah, yeah." The smirk on his face makes it abundantly obvious what he's referring to and you stifle a laugh. "You remember that like riding a bike, too."

“Hard not to remember when you were so responsive and beautiful for me.” He tells you honestly. It had been a night to remember.

Huffing, softly, you aim his smirk right back at him. "I had finally calmed myself down and now you're gonna get me worked up again."

Joel frowns for a moment and then works his face into a very smug smirk. “That’s why you were movin’ around, huh?” He asks teasingly. “You were horny?”

Rolling your eyes is the best you can do for a defense since you just admitted, but the atmosphere between you is a lot lighter now. "I was trying to wait until you fell asleep to take care of it."

“You don’t have to wait on me, honey.” He promises, sliding his hand down slightly and then under your shirt lightly to caress your back. “That’s something I’d be mighty interested in.”

"Oh yeah?" Earlier might not have been so playful, you can't be sure. Either way, the feeling of his large hand on your bare back makes you tingle in that very specific way.

“Don’t think you know how gorgeous I think you are.” He grunts softly. His fingers dig in slightly, massaging your skin.

“Doesn’t come up in conversation a whole lot,” you tease, knowing that things don’t get said for lack of privacy but also for Joel’s tendency to show and not tell.

“You are gorgeous.” He insists. “You with Caroline…it takes my breath away. It’s– it’s amazing.” He could watch you with her all the time. “But you are just beautiful by yourself too.”

It’s precarious, the way he’s crept closer to you and you’ve inched deeper into his arms. He’s the closest he’s been days and you can feel his breath on your neck like a wave of much-needed heat. It would be so easy to kiss him right now. “Joel…”

“Yes, honey?” He keeps his voice low, but he’s wanting to know what you want. What you need.

Without the privacy for acting on all the thoughts that have taken over your mind, you swallow thickly when you finally make yourself find his eyes. “Can I kiss you?”

His hand slides farther up your back over your shoulder to urge you up. “Of course, honey,” he murmurs softly. “I wouldn’t turn you down.”

The thread of restraint snaps almost instantly, letting you push forward and close the last inch or so between you to press your lips to his. As needy as you might feel, it’s fairly contained – chaste and earnest and full of love, instead of the desperate clash of two bodies that it had been when you kissed him first a year and a half ago. The feeling of the kiss is freeing, wonderfully plush and warm against his lips. Making him instinctively curl around you more and drag you closer so he can feel you.

Slow exploration and learning each other bit by bit is a far cry from how it had happened the last time, but your relationship – if you could call it that – is very different now. In that random abandoned home in Massachusetts, you were each other’s own means to an end. Now there is an intimacy that shakes you to your core.

It can’t go beyond kissing and maybe a little groping. There’s the baby right above your head as living proof of how he still has bullets in the chamber. And he can’t risk that. Beyond the lack of privacy, he can’t risk you getting pregnant out here, he won’t risk it.

The build is delicious, moving through those first tentative presses to something deeper. You have to have some self-control, obviously, but right now all you can think about is how much you've missed him. How much you've missed this connection that you had even without ever meaning to forge it. It was just something that you discovered together, and it's that much more precious for being so natural.

His tongue slowly maps your mouth, swallowing your sounds as he does. Keeping you anchored to him, although he doesn’t think that you would go anywhere. Encouraging you to throw your leg over his waist and straddle him.

It’s his hand on your leg that brings you back to reality, the encouragement to come closer and to feel him underneath you being too tempting to give in to. “That’s gonna get us in trouble again,” you hum against his lips, grinning into the thick tension that almost swept you away.

“Nahhhhh.” He hums, smirking. “Just gonna make sure you don’t have to get yourself off when I go to sleep.”

“That’s very indulgent of you.” Though you’re not sure if it surprises you or not. Joel may be a bit closed off but he was never a selfish lover.

“How do you want to cum?” He asks you quietly, sliding his hand down to squeeze your still jeans covered ass. “You want to grind against me until you cum? Or do you want me to finger you?”

Given that you would happily commit several crimes to feel his hands on you again, the answer is easy, and you shiver a little at even being given the option. “Your fingers,” you whisper, like saying it louder would break the spell. “Please?”

He had washed up after the dinner, needing to keep his hands clean for handling Caroline. So he’s not worried about being dirty. He rolls you over and smirks. “Slide your jeans down, honey.”

Happy to obey instantly, you pop the buttons on your fly and shift to pull the fabric over your hips. This is a very intimate thing to do in close quarters, but also a compromise. What you want to be doing is far more intimate, and you just don’t have the privacy or safety for that.

Joel throws a leg over yours, pulling your thighs apart and hums when you keep your panties on. There are covers but he knows you want to make sure that Ellie doesn’t wake up and see anything. He slides his hands down to cup you over the material. “You want my fingers?” He teases, pressing lightly.

You'll beg if he wants you to, considering when you try to roll your hips back to tease him his leg holds you steady in place with much more strength than you thought just one leg could possess. "Yes," you end up breathing in surprise.

“Good girl.” He wants to make sure this is good for you, it’s the very least he can do. “I’m going to make you feel good but you need to be quiet.”

With him dominating every atom of air around you it's all you can do not to break and beg for more, but you nod obediently, enjoying the momentary praise of being called good more than you expected. If it gets him to slip those thick fingers into your panties, you'll be as good as gold.

Joel nudges his nose against your cheek, humming softly when you lay pliant for him. Sliding his hand back up so he can dip his fingers underneath the well worn waistband of the panties. “Do you know how often I’ve thought of this cunt?” He growls quietly, his fingers parting the thatch of curls to find the warm, wet folds of your sex.

"Maybe half as often as I've thought of what you did to it?" If he's going to tease you through this, you're going to at least be honest. And try desperately not to let your voice give away what he's doing to you.

“I know I got blamed when you were pushin’ her out.” He chuckles quietly and kisses along your jaw. Fingers finding your clit and pressing.

You swallow a gasp when the pads of his fingers connect with all of those brilliant little nerve endings in your swollen nub. Of course he's right – Caroline's birth was far from a walk in the park. But that isn't what you want to be focusing on when his fingers are a fraction of an inch from slipping inside you. "The getting her was fun, though."

“Yes it was.” He lets his teeth scrape over your skin, enjoying the way you shudder and would push your hips up if he didn’t have your leg pinned. “If I didn’t think it could happen again, I would say we need to repeat it.”

"We do need to." And the pout on your lips is extremely apparent in your voice over the fact that it can't happen right now. "I swear I've never been more desperate for a condom in my life."

Joel chuckles and kisses away the pout on your lips as his fingers slide deep into your walls with surprising ease.

"Shiiii—" Barely able to cut yourself off, you swallow the rest of the curse and let your head fall back on the pillow in utter delight. It's every bit as amazing as you remember it and all he's done is slip two fingers into your pussy.

“Fuck, you’re so hot and tight.” Joel groans into your ear, keeping his voice low so only you can hear it. “Nearly blew my load when I first slipped inside you. Hadta calm myself down.” He enjoys the slickness of your walls as he pumps them once, twice and then curls them up slightly to search for that little spot that makes you clench.

You whimper as your hips roll forward, one hand grasping for the blankets piled up at your side. His voice low in your ear is so much more of a turn on than you expected. Joel knows he can’t spend all night working you up and tearing you apart but he can make sure that you shake in pleasure so you are drowsy with it when he gets done with you. “You feel so good around my fingers, even better around my cock.” He rasps softly. “If I had been here, after findin’ out you were pregnant, you’d been filled with my cum everyday.”

"Joel!" Even whispered it's easy to tell that that idea is a desperately missed opportunity, as your tight walls clamp down on his fingers.

“Yeah, I would have kept you full.” He pumps his fingers in deep, slow curls. “Any time you wanted to drip into your panties.”

"I was so needy during my second trimester." Different than how you need him now, It was like a never-ending itch that no amount of self-satisfaction could ever scratch.

“Fuck, honey.” He groans, his cock twitching behind his jeans. “If I’d have been there you would have been wrung out. Tired from my tongue, fingers and cock.”

It's on the tip of your tongue to insist that if you did it once you could do it again, but this isn't a world that that joke is okay in. "I would have let you," you gasp instead, twisting to kiss him. While his fingers are buried in your cunt, his tongue delves deep into your mouth. Licking and curling around your own tongue to suck on it lightly.

Joel's hand picks up speed, the dexterous movement of his fingers inside you hitting each perfect spot like it isn't only the second time he's been knuckle deep in your pussy. Kissing him muffles a few noises that would otherwise definitely be too loud, and it's a good thing that this mattress is lying on the floor otherwise the creak of bedsprings would have been loud as well.

He can feel your thigh start to tremble under his and he knows you are going to cum soon. Pistoning his fingers in and out of your tight walls as if he were playing you like an instrument or tuning you like an engine.

The hand that had been clutching blankets snaps up, your fingers wrapping around Joel's forearm instead and hanging on for the last two – three – four strokes you need to hit your peak. Your whole body tightens, cunt drawing his fingers in as deep as they'll go and your own fingers clutching desperately to his arm as your mouth falls open on a silent cry. Everything about it is too much and exactly perfect, and the world blots out around you for just a few seconds while you float away on a cloud of pleasure.

He swallows your sounds. Every desperate, broken sob that you push out is absorbed by him. The rumble of satisfaction comes from deep within his chest as he feels the heat and liquid coat his fingers in a torrent from your contracting walls.

You might as well be a puddle when you finally fall back on the mattress half under him, smiling like the love drunk idiot you are and sighing softly into the night. "Well damn," you chuckle under your breath, kissing him again but much more softly.

He’s slow to pull his fingers out of your wet heat but he manages to pull them free eventually during the leisurely kiss. Pulling away and enjoying the completely blissful haze that is on your face. “Think you’ll sleep good now, honey?”

"Better than I have in about a year and a half," you joke quietly.

“Good.” Joel kisses you again softly and pulls back so he can roll onto his back and pull you into his arms. He’s throbbing but ignores it. This was about giving you what you need and not his own wants.

“Do you…?” Glancing down his body, you know there isn’t a chance in hell that he isn’t hard as a rock in his own jeans. Asking him to get you off and then ignoring his own needs would be selfish as all hell.

"I'm...okay." Joel groans softly, not wanting you to feel obligated. "It's a lot more mess with me than you." He reminds you, nudging his nose against yours and kissing you again.

There’s also no way to hide it, and two sets of eyes nearby. “How about we find some privacy tomorrow?” You suggest in his ear, knowing that another day in this place really will give you that chance.

"You don't have to, honey. I hope you know that." Joel is aware that you probably want to get him off, but he still feels like he should remind you.

“I know.” Which is why you’re not riddled with guilt right now, but rather have your mouth watering over the prospect. “I want to.”

Joel's eyes flutter slightly and he curses himself for not trying to find more water to wash up with so you could do what you wanted. "Okay."

“Get some sleep, honey.” The near-groan in his voice is obvious, and you bite back a devious grin. Your goal was to give him something to look forward to in a world with almost none of that – and you’re pretty sure you just succeeded.

There's a moment when he wants to argue, to tell you to do what you want but you are right. He needs to sleep. He will actually sleep rather than just pretend to sleep so he cant watch over you and the girls.

“I love you.” It may be a whisper in the dark, but that isn’t because it’s a secret. It’s because you’re safe. Because he keeps you protected – all of you – and in this world there’s no greater show of love. After all, he shows. He doesn’t tell.

______

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[jongseongsnudes]

twenty two.

warning; 😬😬😬 1.2k words.

masterlist.

“you and sunghoon seem... close.”

“i- i wouldn’t say we’re close...” you clear your throat, trying to sound as normal as possible in front of the questioning man, “we just try to be civil.”

“right,” he sounds sceptical, a hint of sarcasm in his tone but nonetheless, the man leans over, draping his arm over your shoulder, “my poor fiancé, it must be so tiring being park sunghoon’s sister. don’t worry, you have me now.”

you could only smile in return, your hands gripping for dear life onto the poor table cloth.

after sunghoon’s little one man act earlier, beomgyu had been quite suspicious of your real relationship with your step brother. the man kept asking questions, especially about your engagement ring that you didn’t even know sunghoon had with him.

“i- i’m going to use the bathroom.”

you manage to leave the crowded function hall after successfully convincing beomgyu to stay behind, running away like you’ve done something wrong. like you were guilty.

but you needed to get away, to get away from everyone’s gawking eyes for a while.

thankfully the halls were empty, besides the few workers passing by. you could finally breath, like a normal person, your body immediately less tense in the much quieter setting.

but not even a second later that you feel someone grab your wrist, yanking you right into the elevator as you pass by. you didn’t need to look to know who the culprit was because no one in this place dared to grab you like this.

besides one person.

“sunghoon what the-” your words are left ignored as the elevator doors close, trapping you inside with your step brother and one other guest.

you stand side by side in complete silence behind the guest, the chill elevator music ironically not keeping you chill at all. while you’re confused as ever, sunghoon doesn’t seem one bit phased by the possibility of being caught together like this. especially by mr park or your husband to be, who were already suspicious enough tonight.

instead of feeling more at ease once the guest exits on level 25, you begin to feel more nervous than ever, the air within the lift seemingly getting thicker by the second. to make things worse, you could feel his eyes on you, watching your every move.

“sunghoon why did you pull me in here- hm!”

everything happened way too quick for your brain to register. one minute you’re speaking, the next sunghoon had literally pounced onto you, cornering you against the wall, his lips already on yours.

he kisses you hard, like he’s desperate, like he wants to taste every part of you and although you’re concerned about your current whereabouts... you kiss him right back.

how could you not, you’ve been waiting all week for this.

it feels so wrong to kiss him but so right at the same time. it’s as if the world around you had completely stopped, like nothing else mattered in that moment but you and him.

he pulls away slightly when you grasp onto his button up, his lips now hovering over yours teasingly. the man was a tease, an expert if you could say so yourself, something you’ve unfortunately been on the receiving end way too many times before, “hi, mrs choi to be.”

gulp, talk about feeling guilty.

*ding*

your heart stops at the sound of the elevator doors opening, the number 40 printed clearly on the screen. top floor.

everything is screaming at you to stop, to press that ground floor button and return to the party where you should be. but you can’t, your body seemingly moving on its own, already stepping out to follow your step brother down the empty hallway.

he stops right at the end, at two large double doors. the thought of what could potentially happen behind those doors has you halting your steps, something sunghoon immediately noticed.

“you scared?”

you know he’s just taunting you, like he always is but like every time, you fall right into his games.

“sunghoon everyone’s going to wonder where i am-”

the man doesn’t let you finish your sentence, instead swiping his key card and stepping inside like he knew you’d follow. and fortunately for him, you really do.

he swoops in and kisses you almost immediately, knocking you right off your feet. you could feel him smiling against your lips at how startled you must’ve looked, something your poor heart definitely couldn’t handle seeing him do.

in a swift move, the man carries you up into his hold, with your legs now dangling at his sides. your arms are quick to embrace his shoulders, holding on for dear life as he brings you over to the couch, where he sits down with you comfortably on his lap. the position causes the slit on your gown to rise up, gradually revealing more and more of your bare skin.

“beomgyu is downstairs... maybe we should head down soon?”

“you keep saying these things but you followed me in here princess,” he chuckles, like he’s so entertained by your worried state, “it’s just you and me. you don’t need to act like you don’t want me to fuck you right now.”

“sunghoon!”

you hide your face into the crook of his neck, completely embarrassed by his choice of such crude words... and at the fact that he was right.

park sunghoon had been on your mind all week, scenes of you and him played over and over in your mind like a broken record. the way he held you, the way he kissed you, it seemed like it was all you could think about.

but he didn’t need to know this, not with how full of himself he was already.

“so pretty,” he says, his voice an octave lower as he nudges your chin up with his finger, making you look at him, “you look so pretty tonight.”

and you’re left speechless, completely stunned at his unexpected compliment. it was like there’s a different person in front of you compared to the cocky man from a moment before, a different park sunghoon. his gaze, his smile, his words, all seem genuine, like he meant it.

“you’re lucky you’re poor,” he suddenly laughs, his new set of words confusing you dearly, “you wouldn’t be able to survive in this world with how naïve you are.”

and poof, the cocky sunghoon had returned.

“what the-”

“someone calls you pretty and you’re immediately blushing. you’re too soft for this world princess.”

a huff escapes your lips at the audacity this man had, the urge to punch him rising inside of you at an alarming rate but you manage to stop yourself. not like you could fight the 6ft man anyway.

*ring ring ring*

“oh. look who it is,” your step brother scoffs at the name flashing on his screen, a smirk now appearing at the ends of his lips.

“where is my fiancé?”

your eyes widen at every single one of those words, the person’s angry voice loud and clear over the phone. you immediately look at sunghoon, silently pleading for him to come up with some bullshit story but of course sunghoon being sunghoon, does the complete opposite instead.

“she’s a little... occupied. want to leave a message, my dear brother in law?”

oh shit.

end.

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[mindfulstudyquest]

❥﹒♡﹒☕﹒ 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗿𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗲: easy tips to form healthy habits ( based on this alessya farrugia video )

lately i've been having trouble being productive and finding a healthy balance between study, passions, exercise and free time. i've been searching for a long time online for advices and ideas that could help me find my serenity, and my searches led me to this. i hope you appreciate it.

pro tip do not try to improve everything all at once, you're gonna fail. just try to incorporate something small in your routine to start forming healthy habits. it might take months, but one year from now it will all be worthy.

𝟭. don't hit snooze ( ⏰ )

the "snooze" button is definitely my worst enemy, i simply don't want to get up and start a new day that will be tiring and hard, but when i realized the reasons why putting off the alarm is so harmful for me i seriously started to stop doing it. you will actually wake up even more tired and sleep-deprived after the second or third alarm goes off, since falling back to sleep after having already woken up causes your brain to begin a new "sleep cycle" that takes 75 minutes to complete, abruptly interrupting these cycles brings unpleasant side effects such as tiredness, irritability and headaches.

bonus start waking up at the same time every day, this will not only help consolidate your routine but is scientifically proven that it significantly reduces levels of anxiety and depression.

𝟮. don't check your phone (📱)

i've always spent at least an hour scrolling through social media right after waking up every day, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it's not exactly the healthiest thing in the world. do not go on your phone for at least 30min/1h after waking up. i know it seems hard ( i have a severe phone addiction so i understand ) but i guarantee you that your days will be so much more stress free and productive. why? going on your phone as soon as you wake up gives you an instant hit of dopamine ( for more info, check this post ) that is gonna literally ruin your day, because your brain is gonna pretend more and more dopamine for the rest of the day in order to function properly.

𝟯. have a glass of water ( 🫗 )

you didn't drink for 8 hours or more so it's time to rehydrate your body. i hate drinking water as soon as i wake up so you can try adding some lemon juice to give it more taste, you can also try some herbal tea if it's winter and you don't feel like drinking cold water first thing in the morning, but avoid caffeine ( and theine ) for at least one hour after waking up. exactly like the hit of dopamine that your phone gives you, caffeine and similar stimulants will have the same effect on your body.

𝟰. have a cold shower ( 🚿 )

ok, i'm not one of those gurus who tells you to get up at 5 in the morning, take an ice bath and run 12 km before 7am, but switching to cold water for the last two minutes of your morning shower will have some benefits invaluable for you and your body. first of all it helps to wake you up, because it stimulates the nerve endings and makes the brain more active, it also helps to tone the skin and make the hair shinier. it's a difficult thing, but doing something like this in the morning will help your brain cope better with the workload during the day. it also reduces stress and anxiety, since the cold can activate the production of endorphins ( known as "happy hormones" ).

𝟱. physical and mental care ( 💕 )

take five or ten minutes to just look after yourself, do skincare - it doesn't have to be a deep session, just a little moisturizer and lip balm -, meditate, journal, cut out a few minutes from your morning routine where you leave out for a while all the negative thoughts, stress and anxiety, your body is your temple and you must treat it with reverence, your mind is your home, your safe place, and deserves your attention.

𝟲. get direct sunlight ( ☀️ )

apply some sunscreen and go get some sunlight, the benefits are so many that i couldn't list them all: i quote, production of vitamin D ( very important especially if you are a woman ), improved mood and, in general, physical and mental health, sleep regulation, improved skin. i know it's not always possible, especially in winter when there is very little sun, but for example if you have the chance to walk to school or work on a beautiful sunny spring day, take it!

𝟳. make the bed ( 🛏️ )

why should i make my bed if i'm going to have to sleep in it in the evening anyway? well, this is the mistake that i very often make and i admit that i am guilty of it. however, not making the bed is exactly the reason that pushes me to go back there immediately and sleep again. making your bed in the morning as an act of discipline will not only improve your self-esteem and make you less want to go back to sleep, but it will make your room seem cleaner and generally improve your environment, making you feel more productive and satisfied. completing that little task in the morning, even if it's small and simple, will give you motivation and will push you through the day.

𝟴. high-proteine breakfast ( 🥞 )

make sure you eat a balanced, protein-rich breakfast that will keep you feeling full until your next meal. it is useless to limit calories especially in the morning when we need an extra boost, this will only make us feel more tired and irritable and will significantly decrease our productivity.

#academia #college #education #note taking #school #student #study aesthetic #study blog #study inspiration #study motivation #academic validation #chaotic academia #light academia #dark academia #university student #uni life #university life #university #morning routine #morning routine tips #self improvement #self care #self love #skincare

[rojacatmisa]

Chapter 2 is out ! Chapter 1

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Starting over in Madrid Chapter 2 : Clearly on a bad slope 

Next day went slowly. I had a very long call with my best friend Angela during lunch break. We caught up with each other’s life. I missed her deeply but it was nice to be able to talk to her. We laughed a lot about how gayism was spreading crazy in football Spanish teams. Angela was very angry with the special "you’re not allowed to date the players" clause and I didn’t mentioned my growing attraction toward Misa. I was working hard to convince myself it actually wasn’t even a thing. Though, as the afternoon came, the thought of Misa awaiting her first photo lesson kept bumping in my mind. 

 "Holà, Nicky !" The tall and tanned women came in sweat toward me after her training session. She was followed by Hayley Raso. "Hayley wants to learn photography too ! Is it okay ?"

"Sure ! Let’s go in that pitch corner. I’ll show you the basic setups and you can do a few shots to get how it works." 

"Looks like Nicky’s a real teacher !" said Hayley. 

"She knows a lot, you’ll see" added Misa.

We went to the shadowy corner. I showed Misa and Hayley my camera, explained the different buttons and functions. Hayley went for the first shot. Misa proved herself much more willing to be photographed when she was having fun. She made a few faces that made us laugh. I was surprised to see her putting on a show. She actually could be quite extraverted. When her turn came to use the camera, she didn’t remember much of my technical explanations so I had to go all over again. 

"No Misa, it’s not that button, it’s that one !"

"Mierda ! Perdón, err sorry !"

"And put the camera straps around your neck, please !" 

"Yes sorry". She put the straps on while looking at the screen and took a picture of Hayley laughing hard. 

"Misa, I told you to look through the lens, not the screen." She stuck her eye to the lens. "How do I zoom in Raso estùpida face ?" she asked. Hayley was mocking Misa. She mimicked her struggle with the presets and buttons. I was finding hard not to laugh myself. 

"Use your left hand on the lens. There is a wheel, you’ll feel it." She moved her face away from the camera to look at the lens. Her grumpy face was everything. "Don’t move away from it, let me show you. Look through the lens again." Misa put the camera back in front of her face. I took her left hand and moved it to the right position. "Like this. Do you feel the wheel ? It’s there." I put her fingers on the thin wheel.  "Es bueno ! it's working !” She said happily. "Hayley look up, this is your new profil picture ! " 

She started to take many photos. Hayley did more too. We chatted a little about their time at Real Madrid. They seemed frustrated about something without telling me precisely what it was. Misa’s face shut down when Hayley came to talk about the "El Clasico" games between to two eternal rival Spanish teams. She quickly changed the subject to her career in the Australia national team. They gave me back the camera and I took photos of the two girls sitting in the grass. It was the best shots since I started working here. The setting sun was sending red lights onto the pitch, giving the pictures a pinky glow. The footballers were more relaxed than I’d ever seen. I took a shot at Misa’s peaceful face, her eyes closed as she let the sun soaked her skin. 

 "You’re never tired of shooting us, Nicky ?" She asked. 

"The scene’s actually very pretty." 

"It’s because we are pretty" said Hayley and I felt my cheeks growing hot again. 

"You surely are" I admitted as I pressed my eye against the camera, mostly to hide my face. 

"Oh Nicky’s feeling us !" she joked. "What’s up to you ? Do you have anyone ? She asked."

I felt a bit embarrassed but in the same time, I didn’t have any friend in Madrid yet and it was nice to just casually chat with them.  "I don’t. But it’s ok for now. Besides, I just came to Madrid. It’s not that easy to make friends, and harder to find a girlfriend." I realized I just outed myself without even thinking about it. They caught that and looked up at me at the same time. "And one more at the Ciudad Real Madrid" laughed Hayley. 

Misa was smiling too, her intense gaze resting on me, then she looked down at the grass she was stroking with her fingers. Hayley spoke again, "Actually we should hang out together in Chueca. We’ll find a girl for Nicky !" she said to Misa. Misa kept smiling but didn’t respond anything, her hands still smoothering the grass. 

"I’m really ok with being single" I paused a moment. Suddenly my loneliness weighed down on me. "But I wouldn’t mind getting out in town." 

"Great, give us your number, we’ll arrange that in no time !"

***

I stared at my phone and smiled beatably for nearly 2 entire minutes that evening.

***

I was coming out of the train station, clearly not feeling confident. I had looked forward this night for an entire week but now my hands were sweaty and my heart was beating far too fast for a casual night out at the club with friends. I climbed the stairs and came out at the plaza de Chueca. I headed to the side of the metro exit to wait. 

It did not take long for Misa and Hayley to appear. I was so used to see them dressed in sportswear I almost did not recognized the two girls heading in my direction. Hayley was wearing flowing white pants and a bright blue shirt under her bombers jacket. Misa had the same kind of flowing pants but black with a matching jacket but the cutest part of her was the mischievous look on her face. 

Hayley hugged me as a greeting, she complimented me on my outfit, a simple forest green trousers and a short sleeve shirt. I turned to Misa and she hugged me too. The warmth of her body filled me. The smell of her perfume went all around. My heart beat faster. 

We entered the club. It wasn’t crowed yet but according to the girls it was going to be. A few people were already dancing. Misa and Hayley had dropped their jackets at the locker room. Misa was now wearing a very short black cropped top that wasn’t going to make the night easy for me. 

 "Let’s get drinks" Hayley said and we followed her to the bar. 

Cocktails in our hands, we stayed in a corner, warming up by chatting and drinking. Misa was getting impatient to dance but something else seemed to bother her.  

"What’s up Misa ?" I asked her. She pursed her lips. 

"There is a girl over there that keeps looking at me. I bet she has recognized me…"

"Does this happen often ?"

"Yes…" she sighted. 

"Celebrity drawback… you’re a star !" I teased her. 

"Sometimes it’s very annoying" said Hayley. "Hum, in fact all the time. Wait, but this is Lola ! Not the girl scrutinizing you Misa. Hey ! Lola !" Hayley walked away to a tall brunette woman near the bar.

"She’s the Atletico de Madrid goalkeeper" Misa whispered in my ear, waving to Lola. She took a zip of her cocktail and froze. "Oh no por favor !" She turned her back to the now crowded room. "The girl, she’s coming for me !" She stared at me with a pleading look. A blond girl was indeed walking in our direction. She held her phone, looking ready to take a picture. "Come on, let’s dance" I took Misa’s hand and led her, passing right under the nose of the annoying girl, in the middle of the dancing crowd. I saw the girl stop where she was, clearly not knowing how to approach Misa anymore.

Misa and I started dancing. She did a few funny dance steps. Her crazy side was showing out again and I liked it. "Thanks !" she said.

"You’re welcome" I responded almost screaming to be heard over the loud music. "Besides, you look as happy on the dance floor as on the pitch." 

"I love to party. I even mix sometimes." She smiled, dancing in a very endearing all over the top way. 

"You’re kidding me! You? DJ Misa !?"

She pointed at herself and nodded. "That girl is from Canary Islands!" She laughed and kept on moving more loosely. 

The music changed to a slow raggaton one. We set down our empty glasses on the bar, planning to join Hayley and Lola. I suddenly felt Misa s’hands on my back. Quickly, she pulled me close to her as she started a very sensual dance. I was so taken aback I walked on her foot and sweared. My shocked face made her grin. She spoke softly in my ear. "Sorry, spooky fan girl was coming again".

"Oh !" was all I managed to say.

"Nicky, you have to relax or we won’t be able to dance". My body started to unfroze. Misa’s hands were lightening a fire on my back. She moved slowly against me as she conducted our dance. Her hips, pressed against mine, followed the slow rhythm of the music.

It felt like Misa’s first intentions were now heading somewhere else. Without really thinking, I wrapped my arms around her neck and they rested on her soft hair. My fingers brushed her muscular naked shoulders. Our cheeks touched. Her scent enveloped me again. She lowered her hands to my waist. Remember the fucking clause ! I told myself as Misa pressed her hands firmly on my waist to pulled me closer. Remember it Nicky ! She slowly detached her cheek and her eyes bored into mine. My heart was beating so fast. Her almond-shaped eyes had the sweetest gaze. The clause Nicky ! I couldn’t bring myself to part with her. Her lips were just centimeters away… I closed my eyes, so ready for it to happen when another hand gently tapped my shoulder. We instantly moved away from each other.

"Here you are chicas ! We bought you new drinks !" Hayley handed us the glasses. She looked at us suspiciously. I was personally feeling like I had been pulled out a very hot bath straight into the freezing outside. I wanted to say something but Misa scratched her cheek and spoke first. "The fan girl, she was coming to me, so we tried to avoid her." She was taking faster than usual. "And it worked, right? I can’t see her anymore." She looked around nervously. Hayley frowned, still eying Misa suspiciously. I handed her my drink "Can you hold that? I have to go to the restroom." I really needed a break right now.

Alone in the cubicle, my mind was running fast. What was I doing? I had started my job only a month ago. My trial period wasn’t even finished and I was already on good way to fuck it all. My thought came back to Misa. I relived our dance and felt a burning sensation rise again. I had been so completely incapable of resisting her. And yet I had to. 

We came home as the early daylights started to appear. We had stayed for hours but I had managed to keep a good distance between Misa and me. I had danced with Hayley and Lola and Misa hadn’t come close to me again. She had seemed to enjoy the night like nothing particular happened. Had I imagined she was about to kiss me? Had I upset her? Was I going to loose the only two friends I finally had? 

Clearly, I was on a bad slope. 

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Hope you liked it !

Chapter 3

#woso #misa rodriguez #espwnt #fanfic #futbolista #real madrid femenino #spain wnt #misa rodriguez x reader #misa rodriguez fanfic #woso community #woso fanfics #woso imagine #womens football #hayley raso #fanfic art #woso blurbs #woso x reader

[theoreticaltranstherian]

ARTISTS! PICREW FOLKS! ECT!

I have a challenge.

I am going to, using my magical powers of description and poetic word choice, describe myself.

You should try to draw/make me based on what I describe and mention me in the post/reblog this post with the picture!

No pressure but if you see this and aren't an artist but know someone who may be, perhaps reblog and mention them? Just if you don't mind :)

However, do not (and I can't stress this enough) use AI art for this. I do not support the use of AI art at all and I do not want to interact with jt whatsoever

(it's gonna be in the third person bc I can write like that better)

(also sorry for my weird similies)

He stood there in front of the mirror, somehwat awkwardly, observing himself. He was 5'6 - no idea why he had that memorized, but oh well - and built like a tree. That is, if that tree was in fact not a tree but a stick with limbs. He had Fluffy red hair that fell to his shoulders when it was wet but rested normally a few inches above. How he hated that hair; Utterly untameable and never sat quite right. He had disproportionately long legs, not so much that it stood out normally, but if it was mentioned you could see it and when wearing skirts or shorts his long expanse of leg seemed to stretch on forever. He had very little muscle, and as he flexed experimentally in the mirror, he snorted - He looked like he was built with pencils. His shoulders and hips were the same width, that is to say quite narrow and somewhat awkwardly thin; it matched the rest of him, but he couldn't help but wish that he was bulkier. His neck was functional if not a little short. Attached to it, as with most humanoids, was his head. He wore thick rimmed round glasses both because they had to be with how thick his lenses were and they hid more of his face, which he was quite insecure about anyway. His ears were ever so slightly uneven, leading to his glasses never quite sitting right on his face and usually resting on his nose. Oh, his nose; the only thing he didn't despise about his face. Not that it was a specifically good nose - One of the nostrils were a bit bigger than the other and it was sort of small - but it looked the least weird out of all his facial features. Resting below his nose was a septum ring, the same black one he'd had on since he got the piercing only because he couldn't be bothered to change it. Continuing down past his lightly freckled face was his mouth, as was to be expected. He had pale lips to match his equally pale skin, the two only differentiated by a slight pink tinge on the former and the assumption that he was not in fact a snake and did have lips. He had eyebrows slightly darker than his hair, although to tell the truth he sometimes would use mascara to make them darker because of his fragile masculinity and his need to fit traditional male standards of appearance so as not to be misgendered. His face overall was the shape of one of those Japanese watermelons that had started to become squared but only very barely before escaping its clear plastic prison. He wasn't insecure about his height, but that didn't stop him from always wearing platforms; he just liked how they looked. He was currently wearing his favorite outfit, consisting of a black tank top that went a few inches up his neck, an olive and dark green striped button up not fulfilling its namesake over top, and some pale dark green cargo pants. He hated wearing jewelry, as it was just one more thing to lose, but he always had on a chain with a gold ring holding a small clock face; His partner had asked him out with it, and he kept it with him because he knew if he set it down in his dump of a room it would be lost to the ether the second he looked away. He also had his ears pierced, but rarely wore earrings and instead always had on a pair of headphones to help with the constant anxiety from noise. He had tried to wear headphones with earrings in the past but found it extremely uncomfortable. As he stepped back from the mirror, he realized his internal monolog was extremely monotonous, and decided to stop observing himself.

Thank you to @annotated-catastrophe for the original idea!!!!

#art challenge #drawing challenge #writing thingy

[octuscle]

Hey Chronivac Support; so I’ve got a conundrum here.

My best friend just got back from college and he’s looking like he gave up his bodybuilding dream, so I wanted to help by absolutely rocketing up his testosterone again. I bought the Chronivac recently, but the layout is so confusing, and since we both have the same initials, I can’t tell if it’s targeting me or him… Should I just hit “Go” and find out?

I would say press "Go". What's the worst that can happen….? It happens to both of you. Good thing! After all, a transformation is more fun when you can share it.

While you watch fascinated how your friend's fat pads melt and his muscles inflate, you don't even notice the change in your body. Until the first button of your shirt is blown off. "Prokleté" you call out. Your friend grins and replies "Bratře, v poslední době jsi prostě zvedal příliš mnoho železa."

Shit, something is not going as expected…. You didn't define too many things in the transformation. And you and your friend are now turning into Czech construction workers. The clothing on your upper bodies dissolves into thin air. Your pants become cheap jeans from the discount store. Your feet are stuck in rough work boots. Yes, you are bodybuilders, but your muscles also come from hard physical work. And that's why you've earned a beer now. You go to the decrepit refrigerator in the old Prague apartment and get two bottles of Budweiser. Real Budweiser. Not that American crap. That's when the doorbell rings.

Well, you selected the "apply to all" function. And it seems you had more people with your initials in your directory. The next muscular fellow is at the door. And you hear footsteps in the stairwell. Heavy footsteps.

After about two hours, the gang is complete. Of the guys, each continues to dream his bodybuilding dream. Maybe not every one of them is happy about it. But suck a few cocks, I think, then they will all be satisfied with it.

Pic found at @maxx-magnum

#male tf #muscle tf #reality change #chronivac #male transformation #muscle transformation #race change

[on-partiality]

The Basics Of American Revolutionary War Uniforms:

Basic descriptions I wrote of each layer of a Continental Army soldier's uniform in order of what you'd put on first to what you'd put on last, starting with:

Shirts:

In the 18th century, a man with a shirt was considered naked, so the shirt was a part of every outfit (although it was often covered in other layers of clothing). The shirts worn by the soldiers in the revolution were designed to be as comfortable as humanly possible, so they were very long, often stopping mid-thigh or just below the knee, loose and flowy, and had lots of ruffles at the top. Shirts also had long, puffy sleeves. The shirts were so comfortable that they would function as nightgowns too. All a man had to do to get ready for bed was take off all of the other layers of his uniform. The shirts were plain white or a yellowish colour, depending on how many times they'd been worn. Collars were high but not as high as collars in the 1790s, and sleeve cuffs were either closed by cuff links (little button things) or they'd just have cute lace at the end. Contrary to some ridiculous but funny assumptions I've heard from people who don't study historical fashion, shirts were not hard to put on, and they were simply pulled over the wearer's head like you would put on any other shirt. Shirts were closed together using buttons (a favourite of mine), linen, thread ties, or different combinations of the forementioned. Buttons tended to be small and made out of either thread, horn, leather, or even leather. Because the shirts were made out of soft, thin materials such as linen, cotton, and light flannel and were worn all the time, they were usually the first clothing items to wear out and break. Due to supply problems, there were periods of time during the revolution where men had to wear their breaking shirts and couldn't replace them. Another thing about shirts that I read somewhere (can not find the source for the life of me) is that Washington told his soldiers to wear hunting shirts because he felt that they were practical in every kind of weather. However, the site did say that they only wore them towards the start of the war and in certain regiments.

Neck accessories (for lack of a better term):

Like I briefly mentioned with the shirts, people in the 18th century had a really weird idea of what counts as naked, and they believed that a man without any kind of neck covering over his shirt was still naked. Cravats and neck stocks were two commonly worn neck garments during the revolution. Cravats were made out of silk, linen, or cotton and could be put on in a range of different ways. When they were untied, they were simply long strips of fabric. There are many ways to tie a cravat. I'm not very good at explaining things, so if you need to figure out how to tie an 18th-century cravat, I recommend looking up a YouTube tutorial. Cravats could also be accessorised with cute brooches and such. There were two different, commonly worn in the continental army, types of neckstock in the 18th century. Number 1 was made of the same materials and had the same colour as a cravat, but number 2 was dark in colour and made of leather. The biggest difference between neckstocks and cravats is how you put them on. Neckstocks aren't meant to be tied like cravats; they have a buckle on one end, so they're meant to be put on more like a belt. Oh, and in case you're wondering, the buckle always goes at the back.

Stockings:

Oh my god, I could talk about revolutionary war stockings forever. They're actually so adorable and cutesy, and I just love them. So the stockings are the pretty little white tights that the 18th century seems to be known for, and they were mainly made via knitting and were made out of either wool, cotton, linen, silk, or a fabric blend of any of the aforementioned. Stockings were usually made using knitting machines, but there were still plenty of people who made them by hand. Stockings in the 18th century were not at all short either; they went above the knee (so basically thigh highs). One of my favourite parts about 18th-century stockings is the garters that secure them into place. The garters were belt things that would wrap around their legs to make sure the stockings wouldn't fall down, and they were usually made out of leather, cloth, lace, or a ribbon tied into a bow. I physically cannot speak of these things without saying aww in my mind.

Culottes:

Also known as knee-breeches, but lets be honest, culottes sound cooler. The culottes worn by 18th-century soldiers were a bit different; instead of having a line of visible buttons at the crotch area to put the culottes on like jeans, they had fewer buttons—usually about 1 or 2—at the top of the culottes, and those buttons would be hidden by the waistcoat. Culottes in the Revolutionary War had a much higher waistband; most culottes in the 18th century had a low waistband, but culottes of the Continental Army had a waistband that went just above the soldiers actual waist. And culottes never stopped lower than the shinbone (to show off the stockings). Culottes were white or off white and were made of either buckskin, elk, sheepskin, wool, linen, velvet, silk, or fabric blends of any of the aforementioned. Culottes were very tight because they were worn so that when the soldiers were riding their horses, which they did a lot, the horse needed to feel every movement of the leg so that it could understand what the rider wanted it to do, and that was much harder if the rider was wearing super loose, flowy pants. Culottes were closed at the side of the knee with more small buttons or ties. Buttons on culottes were usually made of either metal, leather, or horn and covered in cloth or wrapped in thread.

Waistcoats: 

Although waistcoats with sleeves did exist in the 18th century, they weren't as popular as waistcoats without sleeves. Going back to the weird 18th century undestanding of what is nude, a man wearing breeches, a shirt, a cravat or neckstock, and an unsleeved waistcoat would still be counted as naked. This is one of the things I see a lot of period dramas get wrong. I understand the overcoat-less look looks cool and attractive, but in the 18th century, that would be like a man going outside wearing no clothes. Oh, and another thing that a lot of period dramas mess up on is that men did not show their shirt sleeves in public; that was considered crude and abnormal; it wasn't illegal, just something you'd get judged for. There were two sub-types of waistcoats: double-breasted and single-breasted. These sub-types actually have nothing to do with breasts at all. In fact, the sub-types are about buttons. Double-breasted means a waistcoat with two rows of buttons, and single-breasted means a waistcoat with one row of buttons. Back to the uniform of the continental army, at the start of the revolution, soldiers wore single-breasted waistcoats in the most popular style of the 1750s and 1760s, but by the end of the revolution, they'd switched to wearing the 1770s style waistcoat, just going by a general pattern I've seen in changes to parts of the uniform. I'm assuming that the switch would have happened in 1779. In case you're wondering, the difference between the 1750s–1760s style and the 1770s style is their length; the former stopped mid-thigh, the latter stopped just below the hip. Waistcoats were usually made of linen, wool, velvet, silk, or a fabric blend of any of the aforementioned. They were made with all different colours and patterns, but in the continental army, they wore beige and off-white waistcoats. The waistcoat buttons were made of horn, metal, or leather and were sometimes wrapped in thread or fabric to make them the same colour as the waistcoat.

Sashes:

Sashes are a detail of the continental army uniform that I see a lot of people (and sites explaining the layers of the uniform) skip over. Continental army sashes were very important because they showed the wearer's position in the army. Green means the wearer is an aide-de-camp or brigade major; pink means the wearer is a brigadier general or a major general; and finally, blue means the wearer is a commander-in-chief. This system was made by Washington in 1775 and was used by the army throughout the war. The sashes were likely made using silk or wool. There was another, separate system with sashes; colonels, lieutenant colonels, majors, captains, sub-alterns, serjeants, and corporals could wear a red sash around their waist. However, this system was likely an optional thing because I've seen many portraits of men in those ranks from 1775–1779—they ditched the system in 1779—and I've seen only one of them where the person is wearing one of the red waist sashes.

Overcoats:

At this point, you are no longer considered naked; congratulations. So there were two kinds of overcoats in the 18th century: frock coats and dress coats. Dress coats were for super-rich people, and frock coats were for everyone else. Dress coats didn't have functional pockets, and the only reason why people thought that they were better than a frock coat was that they were expensive and sometimes prettier. Frock coats had a double-breasted front (same definition as with the waistcoats), functional pockets, and a high, round neckline. You can probably guess what kind of coat the soldiers of the Continental Army wore. They wore blue wool and linen frock coats with large gold or silver metal buttons on the cuffs and facings. George Washington and his officers wore buff-coloured facings with thick buff-coloured cuffs, and most other officers wore red facings with red cuffs. The coats had coattails and stopped midthigh, but the whole button and facing thing stopped just below the hip. The overcoats had this interesting triangle coat tail design thing at the back that I tried to figure out how to describe, but I couldn't. Here's a picture of what I mean by the two different kinds of frock coats worn by the soldiers that I mentioned in this paragraph: the one on the left is the one worn by Washington and his officers, and the one on the right is the other one:

[image credit, Samson Historical and Common Threads: Army]

I have just been told the name of the triangle things, they're called vents and they're to make sure the soldiers could ride horses without messing up their uniform. :)

Epaulettes:

The epaulettes serve the same purpose as the sashes: to declare the wearers rank; however, epaulettes are much more confusing because the epaulette system changed halfway through the war. So, the epaulette system for 1776–1779 goes like this: commanders, major-generals, brigadier generals, colonels, lieutenant-colonels, and majors wore a gold epaulette on each shoulder; captains wore a single gold epaulette on their right shoulder; sub-alterns wore a single gold epaulette on their left shoulder; serjeants wore a red epaulette made of cloth on their right shoulder; and corporals wore a green epaulette made of cloth on their left shoulder. The system from 1779-1784 goes like this, commanders wore a gold epaulette on each shoulder with 3 silver stars, major-generals wore a gold epaulette on each shoulder with 2 silver stars, brigadier-generals wore a gold epaulette on each shoulder with 1 silver star, colonels, lieutenant colonels and majors wore a gold epaulette with no stars on each shoulder, captains wore a gold epaulette on their right shoulder, sub-alterns wore an epaulette on their left shoulder, senior non-commisioned officers wore a red epaulette made of cloth and adorned with a crescent moon shape made of brass on each shoulder, sergeants wore a red epaulette made of cloth on the right shoulder, corporals wore a green epaulette made of cloth on their right shoulder and lastly, privates wore no epaulettes.

Hats:

Tricorn, bicorn and round were a must. Round hats were hats that were cocked on one side, bicorn hats were hats that were cocked on two sides and tricorn hats were hats that were cocked on three sides. Most of the time Continental army soldiers pinned them and folded them on the sides. Soldiers carrying muskets wore the hat in a different way to normal civillians, civillians would have the hat the normal way, center point forward but when carrying a musket over their shoulder, soldiers would turn their hat so that the left part was facing forward. In this position, the two sides of the hat would be almost flat so they could sling their muskets over their shoulders without having to worry about knocking their hat off. The hats white edges were made using worsted wool braid and the hat itself if expensive was made of beaver felt or camel's down painted black and if it was cheap it was just made of black wool felt. Hats were not always worn, I'd say they were more of a formality because I have seen very few portraits of soldiers wearing them.

Hat Cockades:

Hat cockades were made of ribbon or wool and were a sort of decoration to be pinned to the wearer's hat. They were like sashes and epaulettes; they indicated the wearer's rank in the continental army. And the system changed in 1779. So the system before 1779 worked like this: subalterns wore a green hat cockade, captains wore a yellow hat cockade, majors and brigade majors wore a red hat cockade, colonels wore a pink hat cockade, and lieutenant colonels wore a green hat cockade. In 1779, they changed it to honour and celebrate America's military alliance with France, so the colourful insignia were removed, and instead every soldier, regardless of rank, wore a plain black and white hat cockade. French soldiers had a cockade with black in the middle, surrounded by white, and American soldiers had a cockade with white in the middle, surrounded by black. Later on, in 1783, the black and white cockades were named the union cockades and were to be worn on the left breast, close to the heart.

Shoes:

There were actually a few periods of time during the war where some of the soldiers didn't have shoes, such as during the Christmas Day crossing and the winter of 1777–1778. But when they were supplied with shoes (most of the time they were), they wore one of two styles. The classic 'little lad' shoes, as I call them, and riding boots 'Little lad' shoes were shoes made with black leather and secured with a buckle. Little lad shoes had a small heel bit at the bottom, likely meant to make the wearer look taller because, despite tall people being considered the most attractive, most people in the 18th century were very short. Riding boots had an even higher heel and a part at the top of the boots that could be rolled down to fit the wearer. When rolled down, they just look like normal riding boots but with brown cuffs at the top. Interesting shoe-related fact that I thought would be cool to put here: in the 18th century, they didn't make right or left shoes; they made what they called straights, and you were meant to switch which foot you wore them on every day to 'wear them off evenly'. Riding boots were made with leather and were black on the outside and brown on the inside. Riding boots were very tall (they went under soldiers' kneecaps) and worn for the same reason as culottes, to make horse riding easier. It's meant to prevent saddle pinching, have a sturdy toe to protect feet while on the ground, and have a big heel to prevent slipping through stirrups.

Hair:

Originally I planned on not mentioning it on this list because it's not something that you can wear but there were uniform rules about hair in the continental army so I guess it is technically part of the uniform. In the 18th century they viewed men with facial hair was considered wrong and unusual in normal day-to-day life so if course it wasn't acceptable in a military setting. In the continental army they had a rule that men needed to shave every three days. They went against this rule a few times but only when they were desperate. Now on the topic of hair as in, not facial hair, the hair on their head was usually tied into a low ponytail with a blue ribbon or - for some men - cut short. 18th century men LOVED their long hair and did not want to cut their hair short even though they were told it should prevent lice. Wigs and hair powder were fashionable in the 18th century but not many men could afford wigs and it's not like they had a ridiculous supply of hair powder so most of the time they had their natural hair colour showing.

It's important to note that this is just the standard uniform that most men wore; each regiment had its own unique uniform, so if your project has anything to do with a specific regiment, either do your own research or ask me about it in the comments or my asks. This is also post-1775 because 1775 had no uniform. If I have gotten anything wrong, please do not feel afraid to correct me in the comments, and I'll edit the post.

Sources:

https://historyofmassachusetts.org/uniforms-revolutionary-war-soldiers/

https://www.srcalifornia.com/flags/revuniforms1.htm

https://www.bostonteapartyship.com/uniforms-of-the-american-revolution

https://ufpro.com/blog/american-revolutionary-war-study-military-uniforms-across-battlefield

https://www.washingtoncrossingpark.org/continental-army-clothing/#:~:text=Over%20their%20shirts%2C%20soldiers%20would,unit%20a%20soldier%20belonged%20to.

https://www.crazycrow.com/site/tricorn-hat-history/

https://www.si.edu/object/george-washingtons-uniform%3Anmah_434863#:~:text=This%20blue%20wool%20coat%20is,buff%20wool%2C%20with%20gilt%20buttons.

http://www.colonialuniforms.com/revolutionary-war-coats.html

https://www.berkleyhistorical.org/revolutionary-war-uniform

https://www.samsonhistorical.com/en-ca/products/mens-riding-boots

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Riding_boot

#american revolution #american revolutionary war #amrev #american history #revolutionary war #history #historical fashion #fashion history #18th century #18th century fashion #continental army #military history #military uniforms #war history #war of independence #On-partiality's rambles

[crystallinestars]

To Make a Mechanical Heart Beat (Android AU)

In a highly technologically advanced world where human-like androids exist to serve humans, you lived a cushy life as the child of a successful CEO of a large biotechnology company. You grew up in a large manor surrounded by android maids and butlers that served you family’s every need and looked after the estate. Androids were a part of your everyday life, and it was easy to treat them the same as humans. They looked just like ordinary people save for the green power button located under their clavicle. You even made a few friends among the staff and cherished the android nanny you had as a child.

As an only child, your father had high hopes for you to inherit the family business and keep it thriving. Once you became of age, your father purchased you your very own android tutor who would teach you the ways of managing your family’s biotechnology business. The day you received your tutoring android Alhaitham, you were awed by his beauty. Alhaitham was the most handsome person you’ve ever seen—human or android. He had a well-defined muscular build that went surprisingly well with his smooth and youthful face. His pretty facial features were framed by ash-colored hair that looked soft to the touch. He was dressed in a sleeveless black shirt and black pants, complimented by a teal cardigan. His appearance was completed by a pair of what looked like gold and teal headphones to which several cyan wires were connected to, leading down somewhere behind his back.

When you pressed the green diamond-shaped button under his clavicle, Alhaitham powered on. As his systems started up and ran a diagnostic test, the android slowly opened his eyes to reveal the most striking pair of eyes you had ever seen. They were turquoise with orange pupils that seemed to stare right through you. He stared back at you, silent and expressionless to the point that it unnerved you a bit. You were used to the android servants in your manor acting cheerful and friendly as was a part of their programming, but your future tutor seemed to lack such a function. Even so, you were still intrigued by the handsome android, and agreed to have him as your tutor.

Once your tutoring sessions began, you quickly learned that Alhaitham was an excellent tutor. He explained tricky concepts clearly and made sure you understood the material down to the last detail. Even when there were days where you struggled to understand a certain topic, Alhaitham was calm and patient with you, trying out different ways of explaining the material to see what method worked best for you. He carried out his role perfectly, never doing anything more nor less than what was expected of him.

During your time together, you also learned that Alhaitham was a bit different from most androids you had met throughout our life. You were used to the friendly smiles and cheerful attitudes of your house servant androids, and those you encountered out in public such as cashiers and receptionists. Alhaitham was unlike them in that he rarely smiled or imitated any strong emotions for that matter. He spoke bluntly and factually, preferring to avoid pointless conversations and spent his free time in solitude.

You discovered that if you wanted to talk to him outside of your tutoring sessions, your best chance of finding him was to look in your family’s library. Alhaitham could oftentimes be found there, quietly perusing through physical copies of books instead of relying on his in-built computer to browse digital novels. When you inquired why he preferred physical books, he responded by saying he simply liked them better than digital ones, though you suspected he enjoyed the novelty of reading on paper rather than looking at a digital screen or downloading the novel to his memory storage.

To get to know your antisocial tutor better, you occasionally joined him in your family’s library during breaks. You two would read in silence at first, but as you got used to these joint reading sessions, you gradually asked Alhaitham questions, curious about this android’s opinions on various things, be they books or real-life events you saw or experienced. Upon learning he preferred non-fiction, you wanted to try and get him to try fiction for fun, so you recommended him some of your favorite romance novels and asked for his opinion on them. To your disappointment, Alhaitham seemed indifferent towards love stories, and expressed no interest in them but he at least was willing to give them a try for the sake of experiencing something novel. He didn’t seem to understand the appeal of the genre, but you supposed that was to be expected of an android.

Aside from reading in the library, you also invited Alhaitham to your outings. At first, he turned your invitations down in a polite albeit blunt manner, but eventually you managed to bribe him with promises of visiting a bookstore during one of your shopping trips. Alhaitham accepted your invitation then and followed you around the city without complaint until you found the time to visit said bookstore with him. The handsome android seemed enamored by the place—or as enamored as someone as aloof as him could look. There were minuscule changes in his facial expression—the slight curve of his mouth as the corners of his lips tugged up in a small smile. The relaxed arch of his brows and lowering of his shoulders. They were very small things, but after all your time together, you were able to pick up on these changes in him. Something about seeing him so happy made your heart flutter, so you invited Alhaitham to more book shopping trips, and even sometimes to science museums and exhibits he expressed an interest in.

As the months wore on, Alhaitham began to notice that something was off with him. He found himself looking forward to spending alone time with you in the library or going on one of your joint shopping trips to the city. Usually, he would decline such invitations if they came from anyone else in your family, but he always made an exception for you. When tutoring, he stood closer to you than he had before, catching himself analyzing the features of your face despite having seen you every day for months. His synthetic heart beat slightly faster when he was in your presence.

Alhaitham is confused at first by this unusual desire for your attention and time. He ponders why he felt this way. This type of behavior isn’t a part of his programming since it has nothing to do with his role as your tutor. The more he analyzed his symptoms, the more he was reminded of the romance novels you recommended to him a few months back. At the time, he didn’t understand the logic behind feelings of affection and romance described in those stories, but now… now something seemed to click in his mechanical mind. These behaviors and desires he felt because of you… could this be what humans called love?

#I worked on this for 2 days and am so done with rewriting it #I hope it makes sense #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #alhaitham x reader #alhaitham x you

[comradekatara]

Hello! So this is not quite an ask but THANK YOU for doing god's work of injecting some actual nuance, defending bolin (among other things), critiquing the comics, and all the plot holes/things that just don't make sense which become glaringly obvious if one thinks about any aspect for more than two seconds (lol but you know this already duh) and am only annoyed I did not stumble upon this blog sooner, since I am so done with this show (but also I keeping at it like the scabs). Also, your art is delightful! If you still require an ask, do you perchance write fanfic? (it's possible you might have mentioned it but sometimes I can't read lol)

Have a good day!

hello, and thank you! also it’s funny that defending bolin is the first thing you list because I thought I made it pretty clear that I think his character is direly poorly-written and that I do not care for him. but… you’re welcome I guess? but yes obviously critiquing the comics and imbuing nuance and all of that I will definitely gladly take credit for. and thank you for liking my art! i do occasionally write fanfic, but i’ve only ever shown it to my friends and never actually posted it anywhere, so functionally, my answer would be no. i have debated posting it in the past, but idk, i don’t think that would be a good idea. maybe someday i’ll snap tho who knows.

as for your other ask…

Also because I clicked on the ask button before I had a brain fart (so if this would come off a bit deranged for posting an ask right after the first my apologies), I also want to mention the commentary that Iroh being 'everyone's favourite sexist' is gold because we just gloss over that and no one ever seems to mention that scene. Another thing about atla is that the reason given for Zuko's constant internal struggle and conflict is because he's descended from the previous avatar and the fire lord but hello, Azula?? Did Ursa have an affair now?? Isn't she just as worthy of redemption, or the fact she's just as abused anyhoo ok im done

I mean I’m assuming by “that scene” you mean the one with june, but tbh his misogyny isn’t relegated to simply one unpalatable scene. it’s reflected in how he treats azula (versus zuko) across the show. and I know that zuko is softer and more amenable than azula, and he has demonstrated a desire to do good that azula hasn’t, but it’s also quite troubling that iroh just writes off his fourteen year old niece as a lost cause when she is also the sibling who most resembles him. and he somehow just can’t seem to understand that she is worthy of the same empathy and compassion and understanding as zuko is, that playing favorites like this isn’t good or normal. and I actually think that azula has it way worse than iroh, both because she’s a girl and because azulon seemed to love iroh conditionally (despite clearly not feeling the same about ozai), whereas ozai’s love for azula is incredibly conditional and does not exempt her from his violence. but you know. her hysterical wandering womb is outta control she needs to go down she cant be trusted she’s a sickopath!!!! like. ok old man.

as for your next point, I do think that what iroh says about zuko’s ancestry reflecting the ideological battle within him is fully bullshit, but I do reconcile that by interpreting iroh’s claims not as what he truly believes, but as a rhetorical point he thinks might get through to zuko. because he’s really run the gamut of wisdom and guidance, some of it even being contradictory, just in an attempt to pierce through zuko’s thick, stubborn skull. and it does pay off, eventually, but it takes ages to get there. like how much do you wanna bet his first approach was to just straight up be like “your father is an abuser and you shouldn’t adhere to his dogmas.” and then when that didn’t work he started getting creative with it. and like, the reason it gets through to zuko isn’t even because roku was his great grandfather, but because he was ursa’s grandfather. and realizing that he too can be good and stand up for what he believes in, like her, his true role model, is his ultimate takeaway from that lesson. but I really do think by that point iroh’s rhetorical strategy was really to just throw vaguely pertinent metaphors at the wall to see what sticks.

#traegern #asks #iroh #zuko #azula #iroh&zuko #azula&iroh #azula&ozai #ursa&zuko #analysis #also thank u for calling it ‘fanfic’ and not ‘fic’ this is rly a pet peeve of mine #fiction????? just any fiction???????? #(i do also write ‘fic’ in this sense but like. that’s a completely different question)

[blueboyluca]

Because I want to be a committed hater, I am reading How Stella Learned to Talk by Christina Hunger. She opened with a prologue that outright stated her dog can talk. Sure.

I know that I am probably annoying at this point and it's hard to not be biased now that I've reached this hater position, but here are my thoughts so far from reading the first six chapters.

The first chapter was a story about how she did not work out what a child patient of hers was trying to communicate for six weeks until she came upon the object he was referring to by chance. She frames this as an amazing breakthrough and example of this child's ability, which it is, but it's also an example of her struggling for six weeks to understand something that, by the sounds of it, could have been worked out faster if she had enquired further than she did about the child's previous history in the therapy office. By putting this story in chapter 1, it's also telling us a lot about how she already views communication and her work. The framing of this narrative is to set up the idea that disabled children (and, later, dogs) are trying to talk to us if we just listen hard enough – and also ensure they are communicating specifically through an AAC device using words we accept and understand. Feels weird.

The second chapter was about two doodles she dogsat who used a bell to communicate, and how it seemed sad to her that she could not understand their vocalisations.

Ringing their bell was just supposed to mean they wanted to go outside, but I started noticing that Ozzie seemed to ring it for all his needs. I wondered if he used the bell for everything because that was his only option.

I found this passage frustrating. It seems to me that the dog is using the bell because any other communication is ignored. The dog is likely communicating different things in different ways, but the humans have been told to pay attention to the bell. So the dog adapted. This is an example of humans being poor listeners, not dogs being limited communicators.

Chapter 3 was a story about how she applied for a dog at a shelter, was denied, then immediately – as in, same day – bought a puppy from Craigslist. Only to find that night she had been approved at the shelter after all. To me, this did not read as an endearing story but an exasperating one.

In chapter 4 Hunger demonstrates that she was incredibly observant of Stella and her broad range of communication abilities. Hunger seems surprised that everything Stella did was surrounded by communication with humans. This is not some breakthrough, but I can appreciate the feeling of deeper understanding of dogs once you have a dog as an adult. She then does some minor research on dogs and communication but from her description she doesn't get very far. I don't think this is a good sign.

In chapters 5 and 6, Hunger describes the process of conditioning Stella to three buttons: outside, play and water. What frustrates me is that she describes so much communication that Stella is doing.

It amazed me how intentional her communication was, even from this starting point. She did not push a button and walk away. She expressed her desire to go outside first through her bark, eye contact, and pacing next to the button. Then she advanced from using gestures to a word right in front of my eyes.

This is empathically not Stella "using a word" in the way Hunger means. This is a very basic example of the ABC model. All of Stella's behaviours as well as Hunger's button-pushing are the antecedent, Hunger opening the door is the behaviour, and the consequence is that Stella goes outside. This is excellent communication, but it's not evidence of a dog "speaking".

And how is this not enough already? Why do you need the dog to also press the button? Stella knows what outside means. Her also pressing the button does not change the functionality of the word "outside" to either her or Hunger.

Maybe this is why there was no research on dogs using AAC. Maybe the similarities between dogs’ and humans’ language capabilities stop here, at understanding words and communicating concepts with gestures.

I'm not suggesting that doing further research isn't worthwhile, but the entire premise here from Hunger is flawed in my opinion. She is coming to this only from a speech therapy angle. That is, speech therapy for humans. There seems to be no real consideration for the dog's biological reality. The focus is entirely human-centric. We use words, so getting the dog to use words feels natural. But why should it be?

After weeks spent talking to Stella, modeling words, and observing her communication patterns, that night, for the first time, she and I spoke the same language.

This drives me up the wall. Hunger and Stella have actually already been speaking the same language and that is a human–dog language that has been developed over the last ~30 000 years. This is a result of the co-evolution of our species! To suggest that none of that is as important as the dog learning to use a button that says a human word is honestly maddening to me.

I knew in my heart and in my head that I was witnessing something fascinating with Stella. If anything, my coworkers’ confusion showed me how far our field still needed to come. I hoped someday I could be part of a movement toward more understanding and acceptance of AAC for all who need it, even dogs.

The gall to write something like this but to have shown very little inclination to do any kind of real immersion in research of dog behaviour or body language. To have shown no interest in existing dog training and dog communication. To frame everything through the human-centric lens of speech therapy. To back up statements only with references to child development research. This is like the ultimate example of anthropomorphism.

AAC is for people with impairments related to spoken and written language. It is for humans to help other humans communicate in a species-appropriate way, to bridge connections where connection may have been lost. Dogs, actually, don't need AAC. They need humans to make more of an effort to meet them halfway and pay attention to the huge amounts of communication they already do.

#dog buttons #sorry (not sorry) #dog books #Hunger for Words