#to make matters worse everytime we got drunk together he would tell me he was in love with me and set me on his lap and cuddle and make out

[angsty-omi]

you get jealous of their manager

suna rintarou; sakusa kiyoomi

angst to fluff, hurt/comfort.

suna rintarou

when rin told you about the new manager, you didn’t expect her to be blonde, curvy, and absolutely gorgeous. honestly, just looking at her made you insecure. the way all the boys gawked at her everytime she walked by. you didn’t care about the boys though, you only cared about a boy, your boyfriend rin. she’s with him longer than he’s with you. practices take up most of his day, so you only saw him once he got to your shared apartment where he was too tired to do anything that exterted energy. to be fair, you were fine just staying in, but imagining him with her during practices made you uncomfortable.

it was even worse when he’d go out to dinner with the team and her. you couldn’t remember the last time he’d even ask you on a date. you hated the way he stopped trying once you started dating. starting to reach the AMs when you called him.

“y/n?” his slurred tone showed that he was drunk.

“suna? where are you? it’s almost 12 am.” you scolded. how could you not? he’s drunk and with a girl that you were very envious of.

“first of all, can you chill? i literally told you that i’d be out with the boys, i don’t understand why you’re getting so upset,”

“upset? you’re literally out with a girl who’s very attarctive” you frustrated.

“oh i see what this is now, you’re jealous and you don’t trust me.”

“it’s not a matter of trust, it’s just i fe-feel uncomfortable and i oh i don’t know wanted to talk about it?” you started to raise your voice. the attempt to set a boundary has failed, and rather was replaced with you being the enemy.

“she’s my friend y/n, get over it because you’ll be seeing a lot more of her,” rin hissed.

“i’m not telling you who you can be friends with or not, but you have to understand where i’m coming from” you murmured.

“just leave me alone, i can be friends with whoever i want, and the last thing i’m going to do is let a bitch dictate that.” suna argued loudly.

it was followed up by silence, with a girl voice cutting in, “rin-rin let’s do this song together!” in a high pitch squeal caught the mic.

“oh so you’re rin rin now huh? i can’t be surprised considering how much time you spend with her!”

“well maybe i like hanging out with her. did you ever think of that y/n? it’s nice to have someone who wouldn’t nag or bitch about me, she doesn’t pry for me to open up,” he attempted to justify his actions.

“okay fine then, if she’s soooo perfect than just date her” words just started spilling out of your brain, and it was too late to take it back.

“maybe i will!” he roared. after he sunk in what he was saying, he followed up with “w-wait i didn’t mea-” trying to save his relationship.

“do whatever you want suna, whether you’re with her or not it’s not my problem anymore, i’m done.” you ended the call, tears freely flowing down your face.

you couldn’t sleep that night. pathetically, you’d hope that suna would at least give you a call back, or any sign that he still cared for you. but he didn’t, and you assumed that was your answer. you would reevaluate the relationship after a good nights sleep on the couch. you couldn’t sleep on the bed due to suna’s lingering scent.

when 4am rolled around, the door opened as quietly as possible. suna assumed that you were asleep in bed, and was prepared to join you. when he walked in the bedroom and saw the bed still made, he panicked. did you really leave? were you actually done with the relationship? he checked everywhere, the bathroom, kitchen, the basement, and not the most obvious place ever. he dialed your phone, and heard loud ringing from the living room. he slapped his forehead in stupidity and made his way over to you. his heart broke at the sight. the way you tried to fit your body with the throw blanket, unaware that you were shivering at the cold. your face was also pale, with dried tears on them. you looked so broken and so drained. immediately, suna carried you off the couch bridal style, and tucked you into the soft king sized bed. he then, moved onto his side and slid under the sheets. it’s only when he grabs your waist is when he feels safe enough to sleep.

five hours later, you awake with dried tears still in your eyes. you wiped them with your arm, and felt weight around your waist. once your eyes were cleared, it was suna. you let yourself comfort in his warmth for just a bit more, knowing that there’s a huge argument to come.

“suna we can’t just not talk about this,” you whispered into his ear, knowing he was awake. he hid in the crook of your neck, “i’m sorry. i’m so so sorry, please take me back.”

“i can’t just accept your apology blindly, we have to set boundaries or else we’ll never move forward.” you sighed while tracing circles on his bare chest.

“i’ll never even look at her again,” his face deadpanned. your laugh vibrated against his chest, “that’s not needed, it’s not really her fault anyways. how about, we spend more time on dates and devote days for each other?”

“anything, princess.”

sakusa kiyoomi

sakusa hated physical touch, the spread of germs with a single handshake grossed him out. that’s why he built a cold exterior to prevent many from getting close. however, when he met you, you happened to be the exception and you took pride in the fact that he was only comfortable with you. he’ll never admit it to you though, and claims he only ‘endures’ your hugs. although, you knew your limit, you would never show affection in front of people. if there’s one thing sakusa hates, it’s PDA.

so you couldn’t really blame the new cute manager for flirting with him, because it seemed like he was single. listen, you trusted sakusa with your whole heart, but you just wanted to see how he would react with a girl flirting with him.

you hid behind the door, eavesdropping behind the door.

“sakusa-senpai, can you please help me up?” the cute manger whined.

“can you not get up yourself?” sakusa groaned.

“no i think i twisted something,” as a girl, you knew exactly what she was doing and her execution was poor. you rolled your eyes, assuming sakusa too would know what she was doing.

but he didn’t.

“thank you, sakusa-senpai!” she squealed, and then what you can assume, she hugged him. because then it caught him by suprise, and they both fell together, with her on top of him. you didn’t hear him scolding her, rather he was laughing. he was happy with her presence when he wouldn’t even physically show it with you. you decided to just walk in and stop this.

amidst of their laughter, both heads looked up at you. “sakusa, don’t you have to get home soon?” with an eyebrow raised.

“uh actually sakusa-senpai it’s getting dark, mind if you could walk me home?” she babbled.

“fine, y/n you can walk yourself right?” he said casually, while packing up his things.

“y-yeah i guess” you stammered.

on your walk home, you were reevaluating what just happened. no longer did you feel special anymore. your brain started to overthink itself, why did they look better as a couple? and why was he so relaxed around her? was i just not the right person? has he found his true love? all these scenarios made you start to tear up. you were in love with the germaphobic man, for god sakes.

when you got the shared apartment, you immediately took a shower, knowing that sakusa was going to nag you anyways when you got home.

then, you started on dinner and chopping up some vegetables when you heard the door open. he nodded at you, acknowledging your presence and was waiting for the hug you gave him everytime he came home. but you didn’t, and he awkwardly just stood there for good minute or two. to your suprise, he was the first one to make the move. he wrapped his arms behind you and resting his head on your neck. immediately, you shrugged him off.

he furrowed his eyebrows, “is there something wrong?”

“i don’t know, is there something wrong?” you repeated his question.

“i wouldn’t know, that’s why i asked.” he bellowed.

you put the knife down and faced him, “you know i love the double standard of how i have to shower before i get to touch you, but that whore gets to touch you whenever,” you ranted.

“our new manager? you can’t be serious. we fell, it was an accident.”

“maybe you thought it was, but i know what she was doing because i, too am a girl. if you guys just ‘fell’ why did it take so long for you to get back up? why’d you let her touch you for so long?” you questioned.

“i wasn’t thinking about it, not everything i do in life is rotated around germs-”

“except when it’s with me” your voice cracked. “right? it’s when it’s with me, that must be it. that’s why you never show any affection, but it’s okay for you because you’ve gotten tons from me and her!” you raved.

he tried to wrap his around you, but you moved out the way.

“don’t touch me with that whore’s filth,” you muttered, turning off the burner and stomped to your shared bedroom, slamming the door. your insecurities were roaring on the inside. sakusa chose to sleep on the couch, thinking you needed space. but, that was the least thing you wanted. you wanted him to beg, or to at least apologize.

over the following days, you didn’t wait for him outside of practice. in fact, the only time he saw you was in the morning before classes and at night when you left leftovers for him in the kitchen. after the argument, he pushed everyone away, especially with the new manager. he only wanted one person’s touch, yours. and to achieve that, he had to put in some effort. that night when he got home, he went straight to the shower. you assumed it was just a normal silent treatment day, so you went to bed scrolling.

you felt the weight on the other side of the bed. knowing who it was, you continued to aimlessly scroll on tiktok. sakusa abruptly grabbed your waist and coddled you, drowning you in pecks all around your face.

“mh.. sakus.. sa.. mh..” continuously getting cut off with his cute pecks on your lips. you decided to let go of the whole manager situation, and let yourself to just be happy. you wrapped your arms around his neck and put him even closer to you. he then pulled away and you dramatically groaned.

putting his face close to yours, “i love you y/n l/n.” before continuing.

a/n: if you like this series please request some characters you’d like to see!

#haikyuu angst #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu fanfiction #haikyuu fluff #sakusa angst #sakusa x reader #kiyoomi sakusa x reader #suna x reader #suna imagines #suna x y/n #suna angst

[xofanfics]

String - Part V

Prologue | Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI

Genre: angst, fluff, suggestive themes

Pairing: Baekhyun x Female Reader FT. SEHUN

Word Count: 3.6k

Summary: You find yourself in a friends-with-benefits situation with your best friend. You have no business falling for him, but your heart begs to differ.

If you had to list the emotions you felt after that night, you could fill a notebook with words and phrases and maybe even some sentences. You’d start with words like anger, despair and hopelessness. You could also write words like idiot and stupid and failure. You could fill it with curses in English and in Spanish because Evie taught you how to curse like her uncle in Puerto Rico.  You could write how much you hated Baekhyun and how he was a stupid asshole who pulled you along on a string for weeks and about how selfish he was for not telling you how he felt. You could write about yourself and how everytime something good came into your life it was pulled away from you like candy from a baby. And how unfair life had been to you, that you couldn’t believe that you liked someone for the first time in a while and you seemed so close to having the perfect relationship with Baekhyun.

“Just casual sex between two people when we needed to get off, mutual entertainment!”

“You deserve someone whose heart skips a beat when you smile...like yours used to do to me...”

You’d never felt more defeated or stupid in your life. You weren’t the luckiest person in the world and you’d experienced a few heartbreaks in your life but this had to be the worst. And the worst part of this heartbreak in particular was that you weren’t even together yet this one hurt the most.

You’d poured your heart, with all its energy, into this idea of being with Baekhyun. Even though you got confirmation that Baekhyun had chosen someone else you had questions about who that person was. Who was she and where the fuck did she come from and what did she have over you? Whoever she was didn’t matter. No matter what, you hated her. Even if she was an angel sent down from the heavens above you didn’t care; you still hated her.

* Baekhyun hated himself. He never meant to hurt you or lead you on. It wasn’t an excuse, it just...happened. Things just ended up like that and he knew that everything that had happened up until this point was his own fault. He made this mess. Your feelings spilled all over the floor and he wasn’t sure how to clean it up.

As you walked away, he wanted to stop you. He wanted to apologize, to say something to you. He knew that he hurt you and he knew there were a few things in that confrontation that he could’ve left out… Like the part where he said, “You deserve someone whose heart skips a beat when you smile...like yours used to do to me…” That was stupid. Why did he say that? He was feeling attacked and, honestly he felt hurt even though he had no right to be, he took out his frustrations on you. In the moment, he wanted to hurt you like you were hurting him.

He fucked up and he knew that there was no way you’d ever forgive him. He was drunk and he knew it was no excuse for how he behaved or the things he said that he couldn’t take back but he regretted it all.

He dragged himself back to that bar, mostly just to get his wallet from the table. Part of him wondered if you’d go back to the bar and drink more but he knew that you wouldn’t. When you needed space, you walked around. And he knew that you probably never wanted to see his face again. So he knew that when he got there you wouldn’t be.

As he walked into the bar, you were nowhere in sight. His friends were at the table and looked up as he approached.

“Where’s Y/N?” asked Evie.

“We had a fight and now she hates me,” Baekhyun said, putting his wallet in his pocket.

“Jesus, Baekhyun,” she said, standing up and grabbing her phone. “If you didn’t want to be her boyfriend, fine, but the least you could’ve done was be her fucking friend!”

Evie stormed off, leaving a very angry and uncomfortable aura, Sadie running behind her. Baekhyun sat down next to Daren and Drew quietly. “Well now Evie hates me, too.” Baekhyun picked up the beer that Evie didn’t finish and took a gulp from it. “Cheers.”

Drew watched with confused brows. “What the hell just happened?” * Baekhyun woke up without a hangover thanks to his friends encouraging him to drink water instead of buying another drink to deal with his problems. He told them everything that happened, sometimes giving a little too much information, from when the time Baekhyun first had sex with you up to meeting Kira again to the argument he’d had with you. There was a point where he even cried a little. They didn’t judge him too much but they did tell him that he should’ve told you sooner, when he started having doubts. But he already knew that.

He woke up and reached for his phone. He checked desperately for a message from you but he didn’t find it. His friends tried to stop him from calling and texting you and he supposed it was a good idea. If anything, the conversation might go a little better if you were sober.

He sighed and went into the kitchen for some water. Last night’s events replayed in his head, making him feel even worse than he already did as he poured water into a glass. He took a huge gulp in the hopes that he’d wash those negative feelings away. Unfortunately, it didn’t. He couldn’t take last night back and he was still an asshole.

He retreated back into his room and plopped on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. He had a million things he wanted to say to you but he didn’t know how angry at him you were. His phone vibrated and he picked it up to find a text from Kira but not you.

Kira [11:03AM] : Good morning! Hope you slept okay. How was boys’ night?

[11:03AM] : Morning! No hangover, so that’s good :)

He picked up his phone again, clicking on your contact name to call you. The phone rang and rang. He called two more times but you didn’t answer. The third time, he decided to text you instead. Maybe you’d respond to a text instead of a phone call. He’d rather you at least read what he had to say, if anything, even if you didn’t respond.

[11:11AM] : Y/N, I’m sorry. It was never my intention to hurt you. I know that I can’t take back the things I said last night but some of it, I didn’t mean. I was getting upset and I said all the wrong things. I just want to talk to you when we’re sober. Can we please talk things over? * Even two weeks later, you still found your thoughts being invaded by Baekhyun. You’d ignored his texts, opting to read the previews instead. He left you a voicemail the other day that you hadn’t listened to because you didn’t want anything to do with him. You wanted him to be erased from your life. What was worse is that you still liked him. Your heart still dropped every time you got a notification from him and you couldn’t stand him unknowingly having this much power over you.

You spent the past two weeks avoiding Baekhyun like the plague. Thankfully you didn’t have classes with him this semester so the chances of running into him on campus was low. To further prevent any run-ins with him, you avoided the cafeteria and the library and the campus bookstore. Most importantly, you avoided the pool because you knew that Baekhyun liked to use the pool and you avoided the gym just in case he’d decide to go there.

You even avoided your friends a little, always careful to confirm whether or not Baekhyun would be there. And when you decided to hangout with the girls, you made sure it was away from campus or at your apartment.

The last time you saw them Evie said, “He’s really sorry, Y/N. I’m not saying this because I’m taking sides. I’m just saying that maybe you should at least hear what he has to say…”

And you ignored her because you didn’t want to. Hell, you didn’t need Baekhyun, period. You didn’t care what he had to say. Or maybe that was just what you had decided to convince yourself for the time being.

You didn’t feel like spending another Saturday alone with your thoughts. You didn’t want to hang out with your friends from school so you started thinking about other people you could hang out with. For a second, you thought of Sehun. You shook your head, pushing the thought of him away. It had been a month, if not more, since you met him. Would he even remember you? Would he text you back if you texted him right now? What if he was busy? You picked your phone up, deciding that it was worth a shot.

[4:26PM] : Hey, it’s Y/N. Are you free today?

Upon sending it, you almost wished you hadn’t. There was no way he’d respond. It had been so long since you even saw him last. You put the phone down, deciding to do something else instead of stressing out over a text you probably wouldn’t get. You decided to make a cup of tea to ease your mind. You waited for the water in the kettle to boil, staring at the kitchen counter mindlessly. Your thoughts shifted back to Baekhyun but you decided that you spent enough time thinking about him when he was clearly seeing someone else. You sighed and poured the boiled water into your black tea. Enough was enough, you decided, putting your mug on your nightstand.

You glanced at your phone for a few seconds before you looked away, toward your TV. A moment later, you looked at the phone again. You had a staring contest with your phone until you couldn’t take it anymore and gave into temptation, picking up the phone. What you didn’t expect to see was a text message from Sehun.

Sehun [4:29PM] : Only if you’re kind of single ;)

You chuckled at his reply. He was so petty.

[4:35PM] : Definitely single now lol.

Sehun [4:37PM] : You’re in Brooklyn, right? How quickly can you get ready?

* You found yourself walking down a colorful Williamsburg street to meet Sehun. You felt nervous and excited at the same time. You felt bad for taking this long to contact him and you were honestly surprised that he even wrote you back at all. When you texted him, you didn’t even expect a text back. Sehun must’ve been very interested in you to put up with something like that. Because if it had been you, the feeling wouldn’t have been the same.

You were excited because you had finally stopped moping around about Baekhyun. You’d be lying to yourself if you said that you still weren’t upset. But enough was enough. There was no reason for you to stay in this Saturday being bored and miserable by yourself. Why not spend time with a man who had shown initiative and appreciated your company.

You found Sehun on a bench outside the bar. He wasn’t paying attention when you were crossing the street, so you saw him before he saw you. He was scrolling on his phone, his leg crossed over the other. As you approached him, he looked up. Seeing you, he smiled.

“Hey,” you said.

He stood up. “Hey...I thought we could grab a drink and talk a little before dinner. There’s this place around the corner I heard is really good.”

You smiled. “Lead the way.”

And with that, he opened the door for the bar. For a Saturday, the bar wasn’t as crowded as it could be. Sehun took a seat at the bar and you sat down next to him. Sehun grabbed the drink menu and handed it to you.

He said, “What kind of drinks do you like?”

With a hum, you replied, “Something a little sweet but not too sweet. What about you?”

“Something strong.”

“That sounds about right.”

The bartender came over with two glasses of water. “Right now, we have a special deal going on. It’s buy one, get one free for select drinks on this menu.” He put a small piece of paper between you, listing all the drinks that were eligible for the deal.

“Will we get drunk?” you asked, glancing at the drinks.

The bartender winked. “I make a pretty strong mojito…” * You felt like a bird being freed from its cage, finally able to set your wings to fly toward a more achievable future. The dreams you’d had of Baekhyun seemed more like a far off memory. Was this what you needed all along? To just forget about him and to focus on yourself? You felt better than you had in weeks. And even though you were on your second drink, you didn’t feel like it mattered.

Sehun didn’t ask about why you didn’t call or text him before. He could’ve asked about it but he chose not to. Maybe he didn’t care. Maybe he was happy that you’d even texted him before. If you’d been in his shoes, you would’ve been upset about it. You would’ve wondered what you did wrong and if he was even interested in the first place or worse, you would’ve thought that he was playing with you like a video game hooked up to his TV. But no, Sehun kept it simple and you appreciated it.

The more you talked to Sehun, the more you realized you had in common. It was just like the first time you met him in the bar where you talked about any and everything. You noticed small things about him the more you spoke. He nodded often when you were talking and he folded his hands together on the table in between the sips of his mojito. He was the type of person who got distracted easily, glancing every time someone walked in or out of the bar.

You learned that he graduated from Pratt Institute with a degree in video production. He loved cameras and all the things that they could do. He could see the beauty in a photo, in a video, that others couldn’t. Sehun showed you some of the pictures and videos he’d taken. You thought it was amazing that he was so passionate about it and that he talked with such enthusiasm.

Sehun smiled at you. “You know, I had to force myself to go talk to you that day…” He chuckled. “I felt like I was fighting with myself. I thought to myself ‘You have nothing to lose, go talk to her!’ And eventually I did.”

You returned his smile. “What made you want to talk to me?”

“You just looked like you weren’t having a good time...You know, one of those nights where your friends drag you out with them when, in reality, you’d rather be at home watching Netflix. You looked like that. You were frowning like this.” He imitated you, poking his lips out in a pout.

“I don’t pout like that!” you said nudging him.

He laughed and, a second later, so did you. “I’m actually pretty shy...but I don’t know, I feel like I don’t have to be shy around you.”

You felt your stomach grumble. The two of you had been so caught up in the drinks and conversation that you’d completely forgotten about eating. “Not to cut you off but are you starting to get hungry?”

His eyes widened. “Shit, I’m sorry. Yeah, let’s get food.”

Sehun quickly paid the bill and it wasn’t long before you were leaving the bar. Sehun lead the way. “There’s this pizza place that’s not too far away but it’s much better than those dollar slices, I promise.”

“So basically fancy pizza?”

“Pretty much.” * The pizza was amazing and so was Sehun. You hadn’t felt this connected to someone in a while. Sehun wasn’t as loud or outgoing as Baekhyun but you liked that about him. The two of you seemed to balance each other out. But the best part was that the conversation never got boring and you never felt the need to escape as you had with other guys you’d tried dating before. It was refreshing to go out with him. It felt new and spontaneous.

You’d just gotten off of the train. Sehun insisted that he take you home. He said, “There are a lot of strange people outside. I want to make sure you get home safe.” So, here he was. You were a couple blocks away from your building.

You said, “I had a really good time tonight…”

“Me too,” he said. “I’m glad you texted me. I didn’t think you would.”

“I know. I’m sorry. Things were complicated back then,” you said. Then, you let out a sigh. “You probably think I’m an asshole.”

“I don’t think you’re an asshole. When you gave me your number, I knew things were complicated,” he replied. “Did you figure everything out?”

You nodded. “I think so.”

“That’s good,” he said, looking both ways before crossing the street. There was a moment of silence; the only thing you could hear were your shoes hitting the pavement.

“What’s your intention?” you asked, with your eyebrows raised. Though Sehun was a nice guy you wanted to know what he was trying to do with you. Before you got too invested, it was better to ask now rather than later. It was a valid question, right?

Sehun stopped on the corner. “I’m not trying to go with you up to your apartment if that’s what you’re asking me...I wanna take things slow, get to know you first. If it works out between us, I would want to date. I’m more of a relationship person. I don’t like sleeping around.” You nodded, mulling it over. No one had ever approached you like this. Men either definitely wanted to fuck or definitely wanted to date. And Sehun seemed to be closer to wanting to date. “Besides, I think you deserve way more than just some guy who only wants to fuck you.”

The last thing he said stuck with you. It seemed like that sentence would remain with you, sticking to you like glue. Sehun always seemed to say something that made you question yourself and wonder what the hell you were doing. It almost seemed as if Sehun knew about your situation with Baekhyun, though it was obviously just a coincidence.

You approached your building and came to a stop at the door. “Thank you for taking me home.”

Sehun nodded. “It’s one in the morning. You shouldn’t be alone. This street is too dark.”

You smiled, a nervous feeling bubbling up in your core. “We should hang out again.”

“Are you free this week?”

“Yeah. I don’t have anything planned on Friday.”

The corners of his mouth went up into a grin. “Sounds good.”

“Goodnight, Sehun.”

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

Sehun waved as you walked into your building, disappearing through the front door. He hoped that this worked out because, like you, he hadn’t felt like this about someone in a long time. And he had a good feeling about you.

You took a shower when you got upstairs, washing away the sweat and dirt from a pretty hot day. When you got out, you laid on the bed in your towel. You picked up and found that Baekhyun had replied to your Instagram story photo that you’d taken of the pizza. At the time, you felt like being petty so you made sure you got Sehun’s watch in the shot. You wanted him to know that you were moving on, that you were capable of having a love life. He commented with heart eye emojis and you knew it was his way of making his presence know, of trying to slide back into your life somehow.

You sighed, annoyed that you’d come home from such a good date and then Baekhyun had to ruin it. You hadn’t really thought about him tonight, aside from when you posted on Instagram, and he popped in to remind you that there were still some unresolved issues. You knew that you couldn’t run from him forever. Your friends understood that you were upset but they thought you should hear him out, at least, to get closure and move on.

You decided to listen to the voicemail Baekhyun left you. Maybe it would give you the closure you needed.

“Y/N...I know you’re ignoring me so I figured this is the best way to talk to you. First of all, I wanted to say that I’m sorry...for the things I said to you that night. I was harsh and I was being a coward, waiting until I was drunk to tell you the truth. It was something only an asshole would do so, uh, I guess that makes me an asshole. I’m sorry for leading you on for all this time. I just want you to know—and I don’t know if you’ll believe this or not—that I had every intention of dating you officially when I came back from Korea. It’s just recently I realized that I have feelings for someone else. And I’m sorry that I avoided talking about it and that it hurt you. Most importantly, I’m sorry for hurting you. I consider you a close friend and I ruined things between us. I’m sorry, Y/N. You don’t have to forgive me and we don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. I just hope that one day we can at least be friends. Um, take care, Y/N…”

If anything, this voicemail made your feelings more complicated.

***

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[g-lbertblythe]

Television Heaven // Rafe Cameron

Summary: As the each day passes, you fall for Rafe Cameron solemnly and irretrievably.

A/N: This song made me think of Rafe. Actually, I was thinking of Rafe then I started to listen to this one. Anyway, I was planning on something different but it got out of control. So it has really nothing to do with the song. Hope you enjoy anyway.

It might contain grammar and spelling mistakes cuz it's not my native language.

Every move you made, you made after long considerations, with caution. You questioned every little detail, calculating every probable outcome so strictly, sometimes you end up missing the chance to carry it into action. Just because you didn't want to find yourself in a situation that would make you embarrass and hurt yourself or just would make you feel something, you always choose the right and short way to do things. The logical one but the one no flowers grow. You held yourself back when you encountered with something so beautiful that may change your life, you just refused it, ignored it because you wouldn't know what to do with it. You ran away from anything in sight that may make you an idiot for doing it or make you weak, helpless; therefore you stayed away from anything unsolvable, complicated even. You didn't know everytime you ran away, you come closer the edge of falling apart. You've lived your life so guardedly, you've actually never lived. You come to understand that you never made any effect on your life, never pushed the buttons of the controlling panel of your life although you always tried to keep everything on your control. You didn't make things happened, things only happened to you. The day you became aware of this ugly truth, you also discovered a hole inside you. A hole which you use to suffocate any heavy, intense sensation you might feel. Now, it was the one taking control of you.

Lately, everyone around you was able to notice that something's wrong with you. Changed, you looked like you were fading away. You were disappearing more and more, the each day you realize the things you didn't do or things you wanted to say but never said. Because any time you don't say what you wanna say, you die a little. And you died very. Reminiscing the moments you stole from yourself pushed you an edge and you were standing the very edge, unsteady. One day you lose your balance, you start falling and you've been falling since.

The strong liquor on your lips never dried, you kept sipping one after another. You were never drunk on life before, you might actually get drunk at least. You were tired of filling your glass constantly, you left the glass on Camerons' table and head for the bottle.

"Are you okay?" Kiara asks hesitantly. She noticed something was off recently but she didn't think it will last this long. Normally nothing would affect you so long. But now, something in your eyes was missing and she didn't know what was it. She wanted to help you but didn't know how because you never needed any help before.

"Yeah, " you smiled to her slightly so she could see you can still do it and it was okay. The problem was your lips and your eyes didn't match. "You?"

She just nodded as an answer but the suspicions she had was still there. She didn't want you to be alone so when you refused to hang out at the beach with the rest of the gang, she came with you to the kitchen. But you knew, she wanted to be out there so you should gett her off the hook.

"Hey, " you said to draw her attention. "Let's head outside. I am bored here sitting."

"You sure?" She asked. "You wanted to come inside?"

You smiled, forcibly, lately every smile you gave was like that. "Yes. It turned out to be a bad idea. "

"Okay, " she said when she got up, you had to also. She was ready to walk away before you stopped her. "I'm going to hit the bathroom first. You go. "

She looked at you unsurely. "I'll wait."

You laughed, you were a little lightheaded from standing up swiftly but you didn't drink enough to get drunk yet. But she thought you were. You wished you were too. "I can pee just okay without you waiting, Kie. Tell them I'm coming and determined to drink whatever out there."

Eventually, she ended up leaving you and as soon as she was gone, you let yourself fall on the sofa again. You just needed few minutes before you head outside.

The Pogues have started becoming the huge part of your life not so long ago. You think the awareness hit you just after you met them because they were the most animated people you've met. They were full of spirit although some of their lives weren't always bed of roses, still they managed the find attraction and beauty in other things. You admired them before, now you envied.

The cold hit you as soon as you stepped outside but you liked feeling the breeze on your bare arms. The cold was all you feel anyway. You knew exactly where your friends at, before worrying Kiara any longer, you made your way to them before you saw of a guy that one beer bottle in his hand and the other hand in his pocket. Watching your friend from afar. You pushed the urge of considering if you should go near him or not. You were going because you didn't go so many times before.

"Hey, " you let him know of your arrival. His upper body moves to face you only to see you looking at him with your unfinished bottle on your hand. He turned back to keep watching his sister and the junk she brought along with her. He never ever liked them and he never will but he had to behave because his father told him to. Rafe could only behave himself to a certain extent. He tried to stop himself making their life like hell but failed so many times that you forgot how many times you had to stop himself from hurting your new friends. He was mad at Sarah bringing them into your lives and he was mad at you for joining in this quest and defying him about this matter. You knew Rafe felt like the Pogues were the ones blame for everything that goes wrong in his life and almost anything he does and and he has goes wrong. Yet he was almost sure they were guilty of everything that happened. He had a temper and an addiction that makes it worse. He was confused and lost in so many ways, he was all over the place. Regarding the fact he wants do right by his family, friends and by you, he always and always ends up doing the worst of there is. Rafe's choices was never right and until that moment, you couldn't picture yourself being jealous of him because still, he had a say in what he had done with his life. The kind of life you regret having maybe, however with the pills mostly, he thinks nobody has it right but him.

Rafe was angry at his father, at himself and at you. He was angry at everything. He no longer knew what has left for him anymore. He has never received anything from his father but the disappointment he caused him. The things used to be his now was taken over by others. His part of the island, his so called values, his friends even and you too. Rafe knew you for so long although you were almost distant with everybody, you shared a huge deal of time together. Mostly because you had close family relationships and Kooks hanged out together all the time until his little sister violates that rule.

"Your new friends turned you into an alcoholic, huh?"

He said coldly as possible, still bitter about you stood between him and JJ Maybank and chose him over him. Well, he didn't expect you to be on his side because you would never. You had principles or some kind of shit he lacks, however he didn't expect you to be on his side too.

"My oldest friends couldn't turn me into an crackhead, I thought I might as well try this one." You said, trying to sound as cold as him but you couldn't make it last so long. "You look like you hadn't drown yourself in snow."

He faced you. "Yet."

You smiled looking at the ground and it was a real one. Rafe was frustrated to so many and sometimes to you but you like to talk to him sometimes. All the time, probably. You didn't know exact amount because you started avoiding being around him for too long after sometime in your life. Because you felt your heart pounding in your chest in a way that so weird as he talks to you and looks at you a little too long. You couldn't take the risk of acknowledging that feeling and letting it grow.

"No lectures about how I shouldn't do it?" Rafe asked you surprisedly. Because he wouldn't hear the end of it generally.

"Would you take them seriously?" You said. Somehow, you felt like grinning like a idiot and you didn't stop yourself from doing it. You asked him, one brow lifted up, playfully. Not like the times you fake being playfull. For real.

As you talk to him, he was about to forget he was mad at you. He grinned at your way. "Nah."

And the way he smiled it was so deadly, but he felt so heavenly just like that.

"You see, I've learned my lessons." You say to him and he just shrugges.

Rafe wasn't the type to approach people with an passive aggressive attitude. He would go with full active. But tonight, what he felt the most was so sickening feeling like sorrow but not, destructive one like hatred which he usually feels most. Therefore he looked calmer outside but the war was going inside his mind and his chest. Yeah sometimes even he had one of those melancholic days.

You felt uneasy as he wasn't even looking at your way to answer. It was like you didn't get what you came here for. He just stood there, making you wondering what he was thinking of at the moment.

Your eyes caught JJ, looking worried as his eyes searched for you in the crowd then they found you. He paced towards to you, seeing Rafe, he thought you might need to be saved from him. "Hey, where've you been?" He asked you after he sent brief glares to Rafe and he recieved the same ones in return. "We were waiting for you."

Rafe felt so regarded before by everyone else, he knew you would have gone. Again.

"You coming?" JJ had to ask as you didn't say anything.

"I think I'll stay here for now. " You sounded so clear that although Rafe was surprised that you wanted to stay, he didn't think he heard you wrong.

"Are you sure?" He said and couldn't stop himself from looking at Rafe. Rafe hated that look and the way he was being protective of you like he would hurt you.

"She said she'll stay, didn't she? Beat it."

JJ turned to Rafe, his jaw clenching in anger. "I don't remember talking to you man. " He sounded hostile as possible.

As Rafe took a step towards to him, JJ was also ready to pick up another fight so he didn't hold himself back.

"Hey, hey!" You had to step in and pushed them away from each other but it was hard because they were always so willing to beat each other up.

"I'm tired of doing this again and again. " You left your hand on Rafe's chest but didn't move the one on JJ's, the one also holding the bottle. He didn't have much common sense either but still was better than Rafe. "I'm sorry to ditch you guys but I need to talk to Rafe."

JJ had seconds thoughts but he left you eventually. Rafe went back to being silent and didn't even ask you what was you wanted to talk him although he wondered.

"You had to be the alpha, didn't you?" You asked just to hear him answering.

"This is my house, I am the fucking alpha here." He spits nearly. He tried his everything to not make a scene but it was a hard battle he had fought inside. You couldn't keep your eyes off of him, the way he's so annoyingly silent and the way he looks so mad but hurt at the same time was confusing you. You couldn't know you either hate him or hug him so tightly that he should never feel broken again. You knew all he did, he did it to make everyone around you to love him.

"Are you angry with me?"

"Is this what you wanted talk about?" He stares at you, answering your question bothers him so he doesn't.

"No." You said. No use of him confirming his anger, it was obvious.

"Just cut the to chase then. Your boyfriend waits for you."

You reached for the cup in his hands and it took him by surprise. "He's not my boyfriend." You said as his eyes widened by the sudden move from you, trailed your hand until you threw the cup to the ground. Then they turned to see your expression to figure out what you up to. You were a little too close.

"What are you doing?" He asked slightly angrily, slightly astonishedly. His pink, soft lips moved so beautifully, you had hard times focusing on his eyes.

"I want you to be sober for this."

You smiled as you grabbed his hand that held the cup the seconds ago. He was baffled by your soft touch, something was different about you tonight.

You pulled him with you and he didn't move at first as he tried to make sense of what you are doing. This was as strange to him as it was to you because your remember how many times you avoided being close to him. When you were talking to him casually or you were fighting with him, you felt so uncomfortable when you get too close to him. He was like this stunning and mesmerizing thing you felt his energy all over you but if you touched him or stay too close, you would get burned. How many times you wanted to hug him, hold his hand, pat his shoulders but you just didn't...

"What are you doing?" He asked, you had a loose grip on his hand and as you two moved swiftly, he was scared that it might break off. "Where are we going Y/N?"

"Be patient just for once."

And he had to be, however he never liked not knowing what's coming for him.

"Are you drunk?" Rafe said as soon as you stopped in front of him, making it to your destination. His eyes wandered around the balcony to see If there's something he sould notice but he's missing. But there were only you and him.

You rolled at your eyes the fact everyone's assuming you're drunk when you never felt so sober and wide awake before until now.

"No, Rafe. I am not." You even left your bottle at the beach.

"Why did you bring me here?"

You had to let go of his hands but your eyes never left his face. There was something with him that you could never understand before. You look at him and never want to see anything else. You could watch him for hours and days and still wouldn't want to look away. How foolish you would sound if you said these out loud.

Rafe waited for an answer but all you did was stare at him blankly.

"Why are you being weird Y/N? You high?"

You walked towards to the edge and left him behind you but turned away to see him, leaning back on the parapets. You had this idiotic smile on your face that just can't go away when you see him. You kept it hidden all this time but no longer fight the feeling.

"No. I am not drunk. I am not high. How many times I have to repeat myself?" You didn't sound sarcastic or angry, on the contrary Rafe found your tone extremely cheerful and it left more confused with the the situation.

"But you don't seem that way. " He admitted. The girl he knows was earnest, restrained and would do what what expected from her. It was annoying to him time to time because you were perfect example people-his father- gives when how he should be like. You were decent and kind, type of person who knows what to say to the people older than you. You were more relaxed and fun when you were with close friends. He liked that you could do it many ways but he always found you hard to get to. You would only let people in -or only him to the some point and would just go ice after that point. You were sharp with your words too If you wanted to and would know where to hurt when you want to hurt somebody but you only did to him once or twice. Probably they were the only times you actually went so cruel with anybody and Rafe was the only person could enrage anyone despite of how calm this person is. Rafe thought you had a side that you kept in secret and he was aware and impressed by that.

Now, you stood there, your hands on the parapets and your head tilted to your side with a small smile on the corner of your lips. You didn't look that weird but the energy you radiate was most peculiar.

He looked up and down. "You seem different."

The way he sound was like a melody. "How come?"

He only shrugged his shoulders and watched you giggle, breaking the silent night with it. You didn't know why you did it, it just got out of you.

Rafe took a step towards you, his eyes squinted with worry. "Are you okay?"

"Oh my God, could you just stop it? I am fine Rafe. "

"Then speak. Why did you bring me here? You're acting insane as fuck." He was impatient now and you were a little upset he thinks you are insane. So being out of your character just for a night and even he thinks you're insane. Your mood was spoiled.

"You can leave If you want. I didn't bring you here to fight. "

You sounded hurt and he couldn't comprehend how did you get too sensitive. You would scream at each other and you wouldn't even fling.

"Okay," he said to ease the tension. "Just tell me why are we here."

His words didn't bring your cheerful attitude back but you still continued. "Do you remember the summer two years ago? You and Sarah stayed here when Rose and your dad went to Caribbean's along with Wheezie?"

Rafe nodded slowly, wondering about why the hell you were bringing this up. "Yeah, we threw the biggest party this island has ever seen." He said little proud with himself.

He hoped the way he chuckles would make you all giggly again but you kept a straight face.

"It had started as fancy party at first. Sarah and I really wanted it to be like Midsummers because we wanted to feel like grownups in our fancy clothes." You smiled softly with remembering all of this. "And Topper was down with the idea because he wanted attention from Sarah. We even convinced you to it."

"And I remember we end up trashing the house at the end of the night though. "

"It was a mess." you said with a small smile that was gone so quickly. You approached to him slowly, with a serious look on your face that finally resembles to your normal self. "Do you remember you put on your dad's tuxedo and it was short for you because you became a giant that year?"

Rafe nodded firmly he was nervous of your serious expression. Now, you were only a step ahead of him and you were searching for something in him that he had no idea what. "I do." He brows squinted. "I had to take it off."

" You put on your ball cap when everyone wore a bow-tie." You smiled sadly, when you remember it hurt how good he looked that night. You'd remember him like that way forever.

"You were too drunk that night. I don't think you remember and it probably didn't matter to you," you cleaned your lips with your tongue. "We were here, alone, and you told me I looked beautiful in my sundress that night."

You felt a warn sensation on your cheek and your vision got blurred before you realize you are crying. You didn't know why because you finally felt so relieved you got this out of your chest. "And I couldn't forget that moment how much I tried to. "

Tears kept falling from your eyes, not matter how hard you tried to keep them in. You were tired from deceiving yourself about Rafe and pretending like you don't feel the way you do. Keeping this hidden from him and yourself. And you hated that you're crying and being so emotional and vulnerable now.

You wiped the tears and able to stop yourself although when you finally managed to look at Rafe, your vision wasn't all clear.

He looked at you as If you are not real. When you didn't get any reaction from Rafe, you were ready to drown yourself in bottles. You couldn't believe how stupid and naive you became in a week. This was the reason you never told him. This was the situation you didn't want to put yourself in. Just like that, a tear warmed your cheek again.

Rafe reached for your cheek, cupped it in his hand hesitantly. His heart shattered when you cried. And it was because of him. His hands left you naked, staring at him and wishing you were dead.

"How can you like me?" He asked, the words didn't almost make it out of his mouth and you weren't able to see his blurry blue eyes because of your own.

You cried a little more to his words. It hurt you how he thought he was unlovable. Yes he was mean, confused and a total mess but he was so much more. Maybe he didn't knew what to say or what to do all the time, maybe everything he did was wrong but he had good intentions. He was damaged and wounded by so many places. He was chaotic, problematic and it was probably wrong to mant to like him. Yes it was hard to love him but you did love him with every inch of your body and soul. You put your hand on his cheek and his skin underneath your palm was the smoothest things you ever touched before.

"You're beautiful, Rafe." You said and you just didn't know how to explain the way you feel. It was too much, too powerful.

"No." He stepped back, shaking his head side to side. He just couldn't believe you. You... of all people, knew how bitter he is and liked him? You were amazing and breathtaking in so many ways, you could do so much more and deserve so much better. And he was wretched soul, not even his father loved him. How could you possibly do?

"Don't fuck with me, okay?" He was angry at you playing with his mind like this. You were being cruel again, hitting where it hurts. "You don't." He said it like it is impossible for someone to love him because somehow, it was for everybody around him.

"I do."

He looked at you like you committed an unspeakable crime. Like you were trying to deceive him into that he has what he always seeked for. "Don't fucking lie to me. You don't." He said and a tear fell from his eyes. "You.." he had to take a deep breath to continue. You... A creation that is above him. "You can't."

If he only knew how he made you feel. If he knew how many times you pushed back the thoughts of him when they suddenly came to you and made your days unbearable. How you convinced yourself that he doesn't mean anything to you and felt sick in your stomach when you saw him with another girl and wished it was you instead. He had a possession in your heart without his knowledge and today was the day that part declared its freedom.

"But I do, Rafe. I spent so much thinking that it's nothing, thinking it is wrong, but I just do. I don't care if it is anymore, Rafe. I always tried to do what's right, it got me nowhere. If this is wrong, then I don't wanna be right."

You brushed his hair back and he was breathing heavily in your face. "Don't push me away." You whispered. "Please."

"I might never be this brave again." You kissed him, slowly made your lips as one. His skin burned you when his lips felt like heaven. When he gently kissed you back, you felt like nothing in this world could make you feel better than this.

Although you needed him more than the air your lungs lacked, you had to pull away. Your breaths melded with each other and now you got a taste of it, you didn't want to stop. Your lips once more was intertwined with his and they danced softly on yours. As your movements became more passionate, he followed you replacing his hands on both of your cheeks and pushing himself closer to you as if that was even an option, If it were, you'd do it sooner.

You wanted more and more. The scary truth that's been invading thoughts had no chance of fighting with the desire you were burning with. Him not loving you back as you do love him would kill you tomorrow but tonight you were born again.

#outer banks #rafe cameron #drew starkey #rafe obx #obx #rafe outer banks #rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron imagine

[athenasbloodyspear]

Say Something to Stop Me: Chapter 9

Writing Master List | Say Something to Stop Me Master List

(There’s a double asterisk ** at one point in the story, I recommend playing the song I mention “Every Step You Take” by The Police as you read if that’s your thing! It’s what I wrote the rest of the scene to and I think it just makes it feel like a movie.)

Dr. Cho did end up having to put a few stitches in Bucky’s eyebrow and it turns out he was hiding some nasty bruises under his shirt. He looked like he’d gone through a meat tenderizer. The bullet proof vest he wore kept most of the shots from being fatal, but the smattering of bullet shaped bruises on his chest nearly tore you in two.

You sat in a chair across the room and watched as Helen finished his stitches and felt around on his chest for any broken ribs or potential internal bleeding. You found yourself just staring at him while they ran various diagnostics. He was definitely worse for wear, but he was so unbelievably beautiful that you felt your heart squeeze in your chest.

It was funny, this dynamic between you two. A push and pull that you hadn’t experienced before. It was like when you worked together on missions. When one of you moved, the other adjusted to fill the space you had left. When he had needed your calming touch and level head, you’d been able to provide it for him.

It struck you then, how long you’d been living in a relationship that was only push, no pull. You’d let someone dictate your emotions, your reactions and responses to nearly everything. You had shoved yourself into a box for him, trying to fit exactly how he wanted you.

Bucky let you be exactly how you needed to be in each moment. He stepped in to fill holes and support you where you needed it, but stepped away and let you go when he knew you could stand on your own.

He trusted you.

You trusted him.

You loved him.

After they’d finished, Tony told him to get his ass cleaned up and to bed.

“And I mean sleep Barnes. If you rip those stitches because you can’t keep your hands off her, I won’t let anyone come close them and you’ll have to restitch them yourself.”  

You let Bucky rest most of his weight on you as you helped get him back to his room. At this point you knew that there was no risk of Bucky ripping those stitches. He needed sleep badly.

You assisted as he peeled his bloodied pants and boots from his body, then held under his arms as he slowly lowered himself into the bath, being careful to keep his right arm above water. Everytime he winced in pain you felt a sting in your own chest.

He’d be fine, you knew. He healed abnormally fast. That didn’t make the moments of his pain hurt any less to watch.

After he’d finally lowered himself into the steaming water, you’d told him to lay back and relax while you rinsed and lathered his hair and scrubbed at his neck and chest to remove the layers of sweat and dried blood. Then you’d gotten him dried off and dressed in pajamas before helping him curl up in his bed.

He was asleep before you could even pull the covers up to tuck him in.

~0~

The next few weeks passed quietly. Sam was mostly bed ridden, so you and Bucky spent a lot of time in his room generally bothering him and making him wish he could heal faster just so he could get away from you both and your endless supplies of one-liners.

One night, you both helped him make the long trip to the common area under the guise of a change in scenery. Really, Peter wanted to keep watching the Fast and Furious movies and making Sam watch his least favorite movies when he didn’t have the ability to leave on his own was hilarious.

Were you terrible people? Maybe.

Sam did admit he would have done the same thing if given the chance.

Pretty much everyone joined in. Steve had helped Nat up from her room. She was in much better shape than Sam and was pretty much 100%, but Steve stayed close to her most days claiming that just because she seemed better didn’t mean something couldn’t happen to her.

Wanda and Vision came to watch the movies as well, which ended up being the best part of the experience. Vision kept pointing out the flawed logic in many of the action scenes and Wanda kept trying to patiently explain to him that the movies weren’t intended to be logical. Vision's distress nearly made Peter pee his pants laughing.

When you were taking a snack break between Fast Five and the 6th installment, Tony wandered into the kitchen slowly. Looking at his hands.

“Hey kid. Can you come chat over here a second.”

“Uh. Sure Tony.”

You stood from the couch, having to untangled yourself from Bucky’s hold, and sauntered to the kitchen island.

“How you feeling, kid?” Tony asked.

“Fine…” You murmured. “What’s going on?”

“Uh. Nothing major. Just trying to gauge how you’re doing emotionally before I say what I have to say.” Tony was looking at pretty much anywhere but you, fiddling with spoons and forks that were on the counter.

“Out with it Tony.”

“Uh…” Tony hedged. “Well I just want you to know that Elijah…” He trails off.

Saying his name is enough for everyone in the room to suddenly quiet and look in your direction.

“Just say it Tony. I’m fine. What about him?”

Bucky gets up from the couch and takes a few steps toward you before stopping a few feet from the two of you. The rest of the group stays where they’re seated, staring.

“Elijah’s dead.” Tony finally finishes.

It takes a moment to fully process that thought. You really hadn’t been prepared to hear anything about him today, let alone that he was dead.

“He’s what?” You whisper.

“I’ve had an agent tailing him since that day in Brooklyn.” Tony says softly. “I just got word that he’s dead.”

You whip your head up to look at Bucky.

“I swear to god it wasn’t me.” Bucky says, holding his hands up in surrender. “But when I do find out who it was, I will probably give them a kiss on the mouth.”

You grab a wooden spoon off the counter and whip it at Bucky’s head. Bucky ducks easily and Steve reaches up and grabs it out of the air behind Bucky before it can smack into the glass wall behind him. You also let out a small chuckle. You can’t help it.

“I’m thinking you won’t want to, Barnes.” Tony remarks. “Considering the cause of death was the dumbass getting himself good and drunk and wrapping his fancy sports car around a tree. So unless you’d like to kiss the man's corpse, you’re shit out of luck.”

Bucky huffed and crossed his arms, rolling his eyes at Tony.

You sat down abruptly at a stool at the kitchen island. Bucky took a few quick steps toward you and laid a hand on your back.

“Sweetheart, are you…?”

“I’m fine.” You whisper. “I’m fine.”

And you were, you realized. You basically felt nothing. Of course, you felt some twinge of sadness at someone you had spent so many years of your life with dying in a horrific car accident.

But you felt fine really. No shortness of breath, no panic at the thought of him. You were clear headed and calm.

There was no threat of the sea of emotions lapping at your heels. You didn’t feel like you were about to drown.

“I’m fine.” You murmured again. Looking up at Bucky. “I’m fine, Bucky. Does that make me a monster?”

Bucky stepped in to you then and wrapped you in a warm hug, kissing the crown of your head. “No. It does not make you a monster sweetheart.”

“So. Not to bring up a touchy subject or anything…” Sam piped up from his spot where you and Bucky had propped him on the couch. “But, this man was your fiance, no?”

“Yes.” You murmur back. Bucky’s arms tensed a bit around you, you felt his head shift and you assumed he was leveling Sam with a death glare.

“And, we’re totally fine with him being dead? Like don’t get me wrong, I’m on your side no matter what I just feel like I’m missing something.”

“Sam, she doesn’t have to…” Bucky started.

“No, Buck. It’s okay.” You said, placing a palm on his chest and giving him a little push so you could turn to look at Sam and the rest of your family in the living room.

“Yes. He was my fiance. I knew him for most of my life. I kept him a secret from you all because he hated SHIELD and all of you. He hated that I worked here.” You started. Bucky was watching you carefully, with a hand placed on your back. He seemed poised for attack, like if there was any indication that your heart rate picked up or you lost your breath he would snag you in his arms and run out of there like a bomb was going off.

You loved him.

But it was time for your family to know.

“We ended things when I got back from Budapest. He was abusive, to say the least, and manipulative. I was angry at myself for letting it get that far which was why I isolated myself from you all for so long.” You sighed and offered your family a small smile. “But, I’m feeling more like myself again.” You looked at Sam then. “So, no. We don’t really care that he’s gone, beyond normal human discomfort with death. Even if that makes me a little evil, I kind of don’t care.”

It was quiet for a moment. Then Sam spoke. “Well good riddance then.”

Nat spoke up next. “I am a little disappointed you didn’t take a crack at him Barnes.”

“Trust me I wanted to.” Bucky chuckled. “But my priorities were elsewhere.” He snuck a look at you with a little smile.

“Thank you for telling us.” Wanda said softly. “You didn’t have to.”

“I know. But you’re my family.”

Steve stood up then from his spot across the room and crossed to you. He wrapped you up in a big hug. The next thing you knew, Bucky, Nat, Wanda, Peter and even Vision were joining in. You teared up a bit standing in the center of all of them.

“Get in here Tony.” Steve muttered.

“Sorry pal, I don’t do group hugs.” Tony quipped from where he leaned against the kitchen island.

You peeked through the holes between arms and saw Sam sitting on the couch smiling at all of you. You pouted a bit as you looked at him, offering your apologies that he was stuck on the couch.

“I’m there in spirit, gorgeous.” Sam smiled at you. “When I can stand on my own I’ll give you a better hug than any of these assholes could dream of.”

You giggled then. The whole group devolved into arguments on who gave the best hugs.

Right as Nat and Steve were going toe to toe (arguing vehemently that the other gave the best hug) Tony spoke up. “What do you all say we go to the bar down the road and celebrate?”

“Celebrate?” You chuckled.

“Yeah kid. I think it’s about time we let loose as a family. I’ll give Sam the bottom half of a suit or something so he can walk on his own in the bar.”

“You mean to tell me these past few weeks I could have just borrowed a suit? What kind of sick bastard are you?” Sam yells incredulously from across the room.

“Don’t push your luck birdboy.” Tony looks at you again. “What do you say? Fancy a night out with your family?”

You couldn’t think if anything you’d love more. “Hell yes.”

~0~

You all piled into various vehicles at the compound and made the short trek down the road to the bar. (Not before Sam finally gave you a big hug. He wasn’t kidding, he was a really incredible hugger.)

You all made quite a scene rolling up as a unit and pushing a bunch of tables together. Luckily, most of the patrons at the bar seemed to be wise enough not to cause a scene with the entire Avengers team in one spot.

You sat and marveled briefly at everyone laughing and drinking and enjoying themselves. It was still amazing to you that all of these people, who had seen so much and suffered so much could be together here now, laughing and joking with each other.

You were proud to be one of them.

Peter was slinging spitballs through straws in Sam’s direction which Sam was artfully trying to dodge, his iron legs supporting him now. Tony, Steve and Bucky were sniping back and forth at each other. Vision and Wanda had gotten up from the table to dance to the songs playing on the jukebox.

“Hey hot stuff.” Nat said, dropping down next to you at the table. “Whatcha thinking about all quiet over here?”

“Just amazed I’m here, is all. It’s everything I always wanted, but really didn’t think I could ever have.”

“I know what you mean.” Nat said softly. “I didn’t know if I’d ever really have a family like this. I didn’t think I could.”

“I tried so hard to make it work with Elijah, nearly destroying myself in the process, because I wanted to belong somewhere. For somewhere to be home.” You muttered.

“I know.” Nat said. “Seems silly now doesn’t it? I fought for years against belonging here. It scared the hell out of me. Still does most days, especially when one of you gets hauled through those doors all messed up. Emotionally or physically.” She looks at you pointedly then. “But I’ve learned I’d rather be terrified of losing you all than never having you, you know?”

“Totally.”

You both sit in silence for a bit, sipping on your beers and just taking in the scene. Just then, “I Ran” by A Flock of Seagulls came on and you bubbled up with laughter.

“What’s that giggle for?” Nat asked.

“Nothing. I just got an idea.” You drained your beer and stood up from the table you were sitting at. “Hey, can you turn it up?” You sent the bartender a smile. He nodded and spun to turn the volume up in the bar. “Wanna join?” You tossed over your shoulder at Nat as you placed your hands on the bar and hopped up. You started moving your hips to the music, the same way you did a year ago in Budapest.

Nat glanced over to where Bucky was still mostly oblivious to you standing on the bar, his back facing you as he talked to Steve and Tony. “Hell yeah I do.”

Nat hopped up on the bar with you and sidled close to you, moving her hips with yours.

Wanda saw you and quickly hopped up on the bar. A few other women in the bar looked up and watched, and you three waved them over to have them join. The bartenders quickly moved the glasses on the bar out of the way so you all had a clear space to dance.

There were a few whoops and hollers from some of the men sitting at the bar on the other end, and you spun, ignoring your real prey and sending flirtatious smiles and giggles toward the men down the bar.

The attention of the other men finally got the attention that you had been looking for in the first place.

Steve’s head popped up from their conversation and his eyes widened at the sight before him. You, Nat and Wanda dancing tightly together, hands in the air. Without tearing his eyes from you he quickly punched Bucky in the shoulder. You could tell Bucky had probably asked what the hell Steve’s problem was when Steve just pointed in your direction. Bucky turned slowly to look.

You weren’t looking directly at him, you were still making eyes at the guys down the bar, but from your peripheral vision you saw his jaw drop open before he quickly shut it, grinding down on his jaw. He leaned back against the table, resting his elbows on the surface and spreading his legs out to assume an arrogant laid back stance. Clearly intent on enjoying your show.

It took every ounce of will not to hop down off the bar and climb him like a tree.

As the bridge of the song sped up and the electric guitar started shredding Nat, Wanda and you really turned it on. You saw Steve put his face in his hands as he released a long groan. Bucky just leveled you with an arrogant smirk. As the final tones of the song played you finally looked fully at Bucky, giving him a haughty smile as if to say What? I’m not doing anything.

Bucky just rolled his eyes at you as the song ended and the first notes of “Every Breath You Take” by the Police started**.

It was just like that first night in Budapest. You, up on a bar dancing, and Bucky staring at you from his place at the table, a dark heated look in his eyes.

Except this time, it would end differently.

Bucky stood up abruptly from the table and stalked toward you. Nat and Wanda took that as their cue to step away and off the bar, leaving you standing there alone. When Bucky reached the bar he wrapped his hands around your waist.

“C’mon babygirl. Let’s go home.” He chuckled as he lifted you up off the bar. As he stepped back he started to lower you down from where you towered over him. You slid down the front of his body as he set you back to your feet. Once you were safely on the ground, he kept his hands on your waist as you looked up at him. You smirked at him and batted your eyelashes innocently. He groaned low in his throat and leaned down so his mouth was even with your ear. “You’re killin me sweetheart.” He rose back up to his full height and looked down at you. His eyes raked over your whole body and you flushed and bit down on the corner of your bottom lip. “Fucking hell.” He growled.

He picked you up, tossed you over his shoulder and made a beeline for the door. You squealed.

He snagged your coats off the back of his chair as you passed the table that everyone was sitting at.

“Got someplace to be, Barnes?” Natasha crooned as Bucky rushed past where she now sat next to Steve.

You blushed and giggled, waving to everyone from your place on Bucky’s shoulder as he continued out the door, not slowing down for anything.

As soon as the door clicked shut behind you he dropped you back on your feet and roughly grabbed both sides of your head, crashing his lips against yours. You pressed your body against his, your hands grabbing two fistfuls of his t-shirt and yanking. You wanted him closer.

He finally ripped his mouth from yours and stared down at you as his chest rose and fell rapidly, he was as out of breath as you were. “I love you.” He breathed.

You didn’t answer him. He knew.

You just launched yourself into his arms, your legs wrapping around his waist and your hands tangling in the ends of his hair when it curled against the back of his neck. You dragged his lips back to yours. His hands caught you around the waist, his metal arm lowering down to hold you under your hips and keep you from slipping.He started to walk you backwards toward where his bike was parked across the parking lot.

You devoured him, nipping at his bottom lip and running your hands through his hair. You had one hand gripping the back of his neck to keep him from moving too far away from you.

Suddenly you heard a voice call out from near the door of the bar. Sam, standing on his own with a pair of iron legs assisting. “Fucking nasty. Get a room!”

You heard the chorus of chuckles from your friends, your family, as they all spilled out the door of the bar.

Bucky pulled his head back just enough so that there was enough space between you that he could yell back “Trying to!” before smashing your lips back to his.

Once he reached his bike, he set you down before quickly mounting the bike and hitting the kickstand. As soon as he was stable you giggled and jumped on the back, wrapping yourself around him and burying your face into his neck.

He revved the engine twice, yelled “hold on” over his shoulder and took off.

You lifted your head to look at everyone as Bucky ripped out of the parking lot. A huge grin on your face, you lifted a hand to wave at your family. You could just make out the sound of Nat yelling “See you at home!” At the same time that Sam yelled “I’m gonna need a different floor to sleep on tonight.”

You giggled again and faced forward in the seat, squeezing Bucky again as he turned onto the asphalt and hit the gas.

You hurtled down the road toward the compound.

As you were flying down the asphalt you decided that you were going to finally just start living without fear that someone was going to take it away from you. The fresh air was pelting your face and it was so strong it wiped away any doubt. It wiped away the thought that you didn’t deserve to have moments like this.

You wanted to feel it all. The pain of the whipping wind, the sting of the air on your eyes, the smell of gasoline in your nose.

You wanted to feel every moment you could with Bucky. The good, the bad and the boring. You wanted to spend time with your family and be there for every moment in their lives and never miss a month with them again.

You wanted to be totally free.

You started to peel your arms away from Bucky’s chest. One of his hands left the handlebars and he grabbed your wrist.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“I wanna feel the wind!” You yelled back. “I wanna feel everything, Bucky.”

He paused only a second before patting your wrist twice, and dropping his hand to your thigh to hold on to you. You squeezed your legs together, gripping him tighter as you released your hands from his waist, slowly lifting them so that they were above your head.

Your hair was flying wildly around your head and the only things you could hear were the sound of the engine and the wind. It was the most amazing feeling in the whole world.

You let out a loud whoop as you just let yourself go, laughing at how absolutely wonderful it was to just feel.

Against your chest you could feel Bucky’s back rumble as he laughed with you. He squeezed your knee once, put his hand back on the handlebars and pushed the bike a little faster.

You wanted this forever.

Just you, your man and the wind.

@vicmc624

@austynparksandpizza

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky x you #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky #bucky fluff

[chubbyhl]

Louis quits smoking

“Louis, we’ve been over this, can you please smoke on the balcony? I know it’s cold outside but it’s really not good for the dogs, let alone for you.” Harry rounded the corner to find Louis sitting near an open window trying to push the cigarette smoke towards the winter air. 

  “But Haz…I have the window open” Louis pouted with his lower lip out, anything to not face the snow and chilly breeze. 

  “No Lou, we had a deal, if you weren’t gonna quit by November you had to smoke outside. So either you try and quit or the balcony it is.” Harry grabbed Louis’ arm as he started to pull him toward the balcony door. 

  “Fine, fine fine fine! I’ll smoke outside for tonight. But mark my words Harry, I’m quitting tomorrow.” Louis stepped into his shoes and slipped on his jacket, stomping his feet as the door swung open.

  “Yeah, I’ve heard that one before.” Harry huffed as the door shut louder than it needed to. Being stuck inside all winter with a cranky Louis trying to kick a nicotine habit was not how he wanted to spend both their birthdays and Christmas. 

—

  The next morning the boys woke up in their bed wrapped around each other to fend off the morning chill. December on the east coast was not too kind compared to their LA home, or even their London home this time of year. The boys decided to stay in New York for a few months while Harry finished up a few projects before they could both head back to Holmes Chapel for the spring. Louis of course transferred all his upcoming studio sessions here, so it was settled that the winter would be spent in the city. 

  It was around 8 in the morning when Louis got the familiar itch for his morning cigarette accompanied by a cup of black coffee, but before Louis could swing his legs off the bed he remembered his words to Harry yesterday 

  I’m quitting tomorrow 

  And Louis never went back on his word. 

  He laid in bed wrapped around Harry for a few minutes longer letting the younger boys heat seep into his skin to try and chase away the craving itching in his mind. It wasn’t helping as much as Louis had hoped. 

  “Haz” Louis whispered against Harry’s neck. Harry’s eyes twitched for a moment, proving he was still fast asleep. 

  “Harry, please” Louis whispered a bit louder, begging for any kind of distraction. 

“Lou, what” Harry turned in bed, still taken over by sleep, pulling Louis closer to his chest.

  “I want a cigarette” Louis mumbled out into Harry’s neck. 

  “Hmm boobear?” Harry asked again, gently as he carded his fingers through Louis’ hair with a yawn 

  “I want a smoke.” Louis said a little louder, embarrassed such a trivial thing was driving him so mad this early in the morning. It was only a cigarette, it’s not like he let them run his life. Surely this had to be an easy habit to kick, he’s done far harder things. 

  “So go outside and smoke Boo” Harry huffed, loosening his hold on the older boy and pulling the covers up.

  “No” 

  “Lou you have to go outside to smoke. I’m not having this argument again.”

  “No, I told you I was quitting today.”

  Harry’s eyes opened at that, “You were serious yesterday?” 

  Louis crossed his arms in front of himself as he lay on his back, “Of course I was being serious.” He rolled his eyes at the curly headed boy beside him. Why would Harry think he was joking?

  They lay in silence for a moment more, before Louis rolled over and shoved his face into the pillow with a groan. 

  “This is going to be harder than I thought.” 

  Harry ran his fingers down Louis’ back, “We’ll figure it out Boo, why don’t we go make breakfast, take your mind off of it?” 

  —–

Breakfast was the perfect distraction for Louis, both of them had found. Harry took the time to cook a full breakfast, eggs, bacon, toast, even muffins were popped into the oven. The coffee was poured, Louis set the table, the dogs were fed, and they sat in silence as they ate and scrolled through their phones. 

  It wasn’t hard to notice Louis was using food as a distraction as he went to fill his plate up for a second time, something that wouldn’t normally happen at any meal time they shared besides Thanksgiving in the states. 

  Harry’s eyes lifted from his phone playfully watching Louis lift more eggs to his mouth, mindlessly scrolling through his phone, his tan skin on display as neither of them bothered to put anything more than a pair of boxers on to tread downstairs. 

  After another 15 or so minutes, Harry’s first plate was empty along with Louis’ second, as Louis began to unwrap another muffin from the tray, “Lou, would you like another cup of coffee?” 

  Louis’ popped another piece of muffin in his mouth as he looked at Harry through his eyelashes, “Yes please” he said with a smile and cheeks full of muffin. 

  —–

  After breakfast it was obvious that even today, on day one of Louis quitting, if Louis didn’t find another hobby…food was going to be the thing he used to fill the nicotine void. It was common enough, Harry read through articles and articles of things ex-smokers picked up in order to kick the bad habit. Some took to drinking, others to running, some used nicotine patches or gum, and some people ate. It’s not like it would harm Louis to eat a little more - especially when in the past he had used smoking to skip meals whilst on tour. Harry was happy to see Louis at least enjoying himself and the food he was eating. 

  It’s when Harry found Louis curled up in their bed after dinner that a little bit of concern popped into his mind. 

  Harry crawled in beside his husband gently petting his hair, “Going to bed early tonight are we?” Harry giggled, but Louis’ face scrunched up at the joke. 

  “My stomach hurts Haz” Louis pouted, similar to how he had the night before, with his lower lip out and his puppy dog eyes.

  “Well, baby, I…you did eat quite a bit today. More than I’ve seen you eat in a long time for a day that isn’t thanksgiving.” The corners of Harry’s lips turned up at the memory of the holiday under a month ago. 

  “I couldn’t help it, everytime I wanted to smoke it was easier to just…eat…” Louis laid flat on his back, setting his hands on his bloated stomach. 

  “Want me to rub your tummy baby?” Harry offered as he scooched closer to the blue eyed boy.

  “Mhm” Louis pouted again, he always knew how to get his way with Harry, that was for sure. 

  Harry set his hand on top of Louis’ tummy and started to rub gentle circles as Louis nuzzled into him, a sigh of relief leaving his lips. “For the love of god, say something tomorrow, I can’t keep doing this just to quit cigarettes” Louis breathed out as Harry went to leave a kiss on his forehead. 

  “There are worse things you could be doing to quit Lou, besides, you deserve to have a little more freedom with food anyways. I’d rather you eat that smoke, or drink.” Harry chuckled, he definitely did not want a drunk Louis all the time, that was for sure. 

  “I guess” Louis said as he nuzzled closer to Harry, if it was even possible. There wasn’t any space left in between their bodies. 

  “And besides, if I have to lay in bed with you every night and rub your tummy just to quit smoking? That’s gotta be the cutest thing ever. Much cuter than helping you apply a nicotine patch or combing your hair back while you puke your guts up in a toilet.” Harry hummed as he continued to circle his hand over the distended bump that was Louis’ stomach. He could understand why Louis’ must not feel well, his belly swollen and taught from all the food packed in there. 

  “I know you’re right, I didn’t expect it to be this hard.” Louis sighed.

  “It’s only day one Boo, and now you’re past the hardest day.”

  —-

It went on like that for another two weeks, more often than night each night the boys would lay in bed and Harry would rub Louis’ belly until the older boy fell asleep. Even when Louis didn’t have a stomach ache, it relaxed him into being able to shut his eyes without his nightly cigarette. Of course, Harry didn’t mind at all, he was even beginning to hope this routine didn’t end. 

  Over the past two weeks Harry took the liberty of keeping the house stocked with Louis’ favorite food and snacks, anything that he thought would bring Louis joy in this hard time. As the boys went about their daily routines of recording sessions, press work, or team meetings - Louis more often than not had his hand in some type of snack bag, leaning heavily towards chips and popcorn, even little packets of sweets like the cookies he used to have in his house as a child. 

Anything to drive the nicotine craving away. 

  Of course, this did not go unnoticed by Harry, or Louis’ body for that matter. Over the past two weeks Louis’ new found habit had led to hard edges being filled out with soft curves, his tummy more noticeable in his shirts like when he was younger. It wasn’t much weight, it had only been 14 days after all, but both the boys had certainly noticed. 

  “What if this craving doesn’t go away and I keep eating like this Haz?” Louis asked him one night as he ran his hand over his own stomach, finding it softer than it had been in months. 

  “Then you won’t smoke any cigarettes” Harry said matter of factly, it was true. This had been working well to drive Louis’ cravings away, for sure. 

  “Harry…come on. Look at me. My stomach it’s…” 

“Beautiful?” Harry smiled

“Softer, it’s soft. I’m….you can’t tell me you haven’t noticed I’m putting on a little weight here.” Louis shifted anxiously. 

  “Do you mind it?” Harry asked genuinely, not offering any praise before he knew how Louis felt about his own body. 

  “I…I don’t know how I feel about it. I want to stop smoking, that’s what I know.” Louis states, leaving the question open ended. He didn’t think he really minded the new found softness, it reminded him of when he was younger and the band was just starting, and the beginnings of their relationship together. 

  And if he didn’t crave cigarettes as often because of it, he could deal with the extra weight. 

  “Okay baby, well if this is helping you stop smoking, then we’ll let your body run it’s course while the cravings go away. I think you always look beautiful, always Lou, so please don’t worry about that if you are.” Harry smiled as he kissed Louis’ neck. 

  “Mhm, and I’m sure you’d love it if my ass got bigger too.” Louis smirked as Harry went in for a kiss.

“Oh, please.” Harry giggled as Louis kissed him back.

  ——

“Harry!” Louis yelled from their bedroom for the third time as Harry cleared the staircase in record time.

  “Lou, Lou what’s wrong? Why are you yelling?” Harry said, trying to catch his breath. 

  He found Louis laying flat on the bed with a pair of his jeans on and nothing else. 

  The older boy turned his head to face Harry, “You did this.” Louis stated simply, putting his hands behind his head. 

  “What are you talking about?” Harry huffed as he walked over.

  “You did this, Harold, my jeans won’t button up.” Louis huffed as he tried once more to pull the button to the hole, but with no such luck. A small bump of soft skin was in the way of the zipper too. 

  “And how is this my fault?” Harry smirked as he watched Louis lay dramatically with his arms splayed out. He was always one for dramatics. 

  “Because you’ve been keeping the house stocked up with all my favorite things, so of course I was going to be eating them!” Louis huffed, closing his eyes as he brought a hand to the bridge of his nose. 

  “Loubear, that really doesn’t mean that you not being able to button your jeans is my fault.” Harry tried to level, still amused at how dramatic Louis was being. 

  “We can buy you more jeans baby, it’s only fabric” Harry left a few kisses on Louis’ shoulder. 

  Both of Louis’ hands then went down to his belly, handling the softness, “I’m…how much do you think I weigh now? 170? 175?” Louis giggled at the guess. He hadn’t weighed more than 160 in about 10 years. 

  “Barely even, Louis it isn’t much weight. And you’ve been cigarette free for almost a month and a week.” Harry ran a hand down Louis’ chest. 

  “Well, are you going to guess?” “Why? Are you going to find out?” Harry’s eyebrow raised in curiosity. 

  “Maybe I should. See what my progress is, keep track.” Louis smirked. This could be fun. 

  “What….I, I don’t know, maybe 168? Like I said babe, it can’t be much.” Harry bent down to kiss Louis’ tummy where it poked out the most. 

  Louis then stood up and kicked the dreaded jeans off, making his way to the bathroom where Harry kept the scale hidden in the back of the cabinet. 

  He set the scale down on the white tile floor, cold and uninviting, as he waited for the numbers to set to zero. 

  “If it’s above 170 you have to make me dinner.” Louis said as he glanced at Harry before he stepped on.

  “I always make you dinner Lou, not much of a bet there.” 

  “Fine. If it’s above 170 can we order in?”

  “Are you trying to gain weight here? Did I miss something?” Harry mused at the idea of Louis’ body being softer than it already was now. He certainly didn’t mind it, and wouldn’t if it continued. 

  Louis stepped on the scale without answering Harry’s question. The numbers blinked and blinked, before they settled on 173.

  “Ha! I knew it! 13 pounds!” Louis said, grabbing at the soft swell at the bottom of his tummy.

  “Can we get chinese?” The older boy said with a smile as he wrapped his arm around Harry. 

  “Only if you answer my question.” Harry waited patiently. 

  Louis squeezed him tighter before letting go and stepping back. 

  “I honestly…don’t mind it. If I gain I gain, if I lose I lose, but I know for damn sure I like eating whatever and whenever I please. Fuck cigarettes when you can have food, right?” Louis smiled brightly as he turned towards the mirror to inspect himself again. 

  “Mmmmm, you know babe, I think you’re right.” Harry smiled back as he crouched down to kiss all over Louis’ little pouched tummy. “You’d look cute with a little more weight on you I think. You look cute now, you looked cute before. I think you’ll always look cute.” Harry reassured. 

  “I think we should find out just how cute I can be.” Louis smiled, “Now, go order the Chinese” He pecked Harry’s cheeks as he went off to find a pair of sweatpants that fit. 

#submission #fic promotion #LOOK HOW TALENTED MY BABY IS

[barchie-fanfiction]

in case you missed it...

hello from your barchie-fanfiction admins! thanks for following us - over the next few days we’ll be posting some author masterlists of some heavy hitters in the fandom (think 5+ fics!), but until then... we thought everyone needed some more season five in their lives.

so, in case you missed them... a collection of completed fics (as of march 5th) that take place somewhere in season five canon (or not canon)!

pre time jump

(stop fighting) and know our love is real Author: Littlebarchie07 Rating: General Length: 2,019 Summary: 3 times Archie starts coming to terms with potentially losing Betty and the 1 time he realises they will always be connected. Notes: Part 2/2 of The Truth series. 

(stop pretending) and let our love begin Author: Littlebarchie07 Rating: General Length: 1,244 Summary: 3 times Betty lies, and the 1 time she finally admits the truth. Notes: Part 1/2 of The Truth series.

but we were something, don’t you think so? Author: societysgot Rating: General Length: 1,718 Summary: "Why didn't you tell me?" She tries to look him in the eye but finds that she can't, "That you were leaving." "Well I—" "Why Arch?" Notes: An alternate take on the bus scene, and before.

closing walls and ticking clocks Author: inthehallway Rating: Teen Length: 3,365 Summary: Maybe you need to consider why you’re really so terrified of him finding out. Is it only because you know you’ll lose him? Or is it also because you’re scared of the feelings you’ll be forced to face once he’s gone? After prom, Betty can't hide from the truth anymore. Notes: An alternate take on prom. AKA, everyone finds out.

Dancing is a dangerous game Author: Littlebarchie07 Rating: General Length: 1,081 Summary: Based on the lyrics from “you’re a cowboy like me”. Betty-Barchie centric of an AU prom scene. Notes: AKA Archie and Betty actually dance like they should have.

for what it’s worth it was worth all the while Author: bettycooopers Rating: General Length: 1,030 Summary: Betty slips into the back door of the Andrews house the way she has a thousand times before, but this morning it feels different...despite the fact that it still, somehow, feels like the most natural thing in the world. Notes: Takes place the last day of school. Aaaaand we’re sad again.

i’ve been looking sad in all the nicest places Author: societysgot Rating: Teen Length: 1,399 Summary: "It's not that simple," She went to place a hand on his arm, but he felt himself pulling away before she made contact. His voice was hoarse when he spoke. "Well, it shouldn't be this hard." Notes: They talk!! They discuss things!! Betty actually knows that Veronica knows!! A gift.

If This Was A Movie Author: booksnshows Rating: General Length: 3,228 Summary: Betty Cooper has been dreaming of prom since she was a little girl. The truth is...she always pictured going with Archie Andrews. Notes: An alternate take on prom. Written early post S4.

so give me tonight Author: bettycooopers Rating: General Length: 2,392 Summary: They (whoever they are, exactly,) say that prom night is supposed to be one of the best nights of your life. Archie Andrews would like to go on record saying that is absolute bullshit. Notes: Did someone say prom porch parallel?

there’s no warning when everything changes Author: bettycooopers Rating: General Length: 1,525 Summary: The song sounds different coming from Veronica, so it doesn’t occur to Betty until she hears it: he’s not made for this world, and neither am I. Notes: A look is worth a thousand words. Sometimes, 1500 of them.

valentine Author: spideychoni Rating: Not Rated Length: 2,333 Summary: when things fall apart in archie and betty’s relationships, will they find each other again? a graduation after party changes everything for the blonde haired girl and the redheaded boy. Noted: A graduation after party?? Eyes emoji.

You Were The Someone Waiting For Me Author: darlingfilms Rating: Teen Length: 1,123 Summary: Picture this, it’s the senior prom in Riverdale and Betty and Archie go with their partners, but it’s clear who they’d rather be with. Notes: The author mentions there’s another chapter, but it’s marked as completed, so! Enjoy!

time jump

'tis the damn season Author: bettycooopers Rating: Mature Length: 13,878 Summary: you could call me babe for the weekend 'tis the damn season A Taylor Swift inspired "we're dating, but only during the holidays" AU told in five parts. Notes: Liberties taken - namely, they do talk within those years, and Archie doesn’t get deployed - but otherwise follows canon. Also, it’s epic.

all i want for christmas Author: bettycooopers Rating: General Length: 3,527 Summary: Archie’s heard of an orphan Christmas before, but he didn’t actually think he’d have one...at least, not yet. Notes: Written pre-S5, so FP doesn’t leave! 

come home to my heart Author: inthehallway Rating: Mature Length: 9,248 Summary: He’s only been here for a few hours, and she already feels like a piece of her that’s been missing for too long is shifting back into place. But he's going to leave in a few days, and they'll have to say goodbye to each other all over again. She wonders if this will even be worth the pain it's going to cause them both in the end. Two years after graduation, Archie visits Betty at Yale. Notes: Sequel to didn’t know you were golden ‘til i tore your heart open. Written after S4, so Archie goes to the navy, not the army!   

post time jump

all the bad dreams that you hide Author: bettycooopers Rating: General Length: 2,708 Summary: Betty has control of the nightmares. At least, that's what she tells herself. Notes: Based off of that Roommates Theory we all fell prey to. What happened in Albany, Cher?! Tell us!!!

Honey Author: JemmaLynn13 Rating: Mature Length: 6,755 Summary: A post shower fic where Betty finds herself wearing Archie's bathrobe with no other clothes to change into. Notes: Seriously, how did this girl get home? Alice is gonna find out by 5x07, at this rate.

Hush, I’m Here Author: NewObsessed Rating: Teen Length: 1,350 Summary: He stares up at the ceiling. Everytime he closes his eyes, all he sees is the battlefield and his fellow soldiers laying motionless across the grounds. Still he tries to let sleep come. After what feels like mere seconds, his eyes pop open again. Only this time, it isn’t because of his nightmare. It's because of someone else’s. Her scream slices through the silence of the house. Notes: We may have lost roommates in canon, but not in fic!!! The potential, friends.

i am your secret, baby, watch me unfold Author: bettycooopers Rating: Explicit Length: 3,151 Summary: Betty turns on her stereo and pours herself a drink, smiling – the idea of parading around her empty house in lingerie with her makeup done and a highball glass of gin while she waits for Archie is appealing, to say the least. Notes: You know what we didn’t lose, though? Friends with benefits. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

“If I kissed you right now, what would you do?” Author: bettycooopers Rating: Not Rated Length: 765 Summary: It’s past midnight when Betty texts him and tells him to meet her outside the auto shop. He shrugs on a sweatshirt and texts her back (for any particular reason, betts?) as he’s making his way out of the house, not bothering to wait for her to answer. He knows he’s going to end up there, anyway. Notes: A fun mini ‘verse where Betty pretends for all of five seconds that 5x05 was a one time thing. Whatever you say, Cooper!

jump into the heat Author: MaiaSpeedster Rating: Teen Length: 444 Summary: As they kissed and undressed each other, Betty couldn’t help but to think how dumb she had been to waste all of these years. She already knew how good Archie was at kissing, but the way he ran his hands over her figure and pressed his body to hers… God, she had never felt anything like it. Notes: Betty’s thoughts during 5x05. Y’know. About that scene. We think you know the one.

just for now Author: staryu Rating: General Length: 713 Summary: where Betty leaves but Archie is sad and really wants her to stay. Notes: Everyone, including Archie, wanted him to ask Betty to stay during 5x06, right? It’s okay, Arch, fic’s got you covered.

let’s go somewhere they might discover us Author: bettycooopers Rating: Explicit Length: 3,670 Summary: Archie’s synapses are clearly slower than usual, but he manages to look over at her subtly enough and raise his brow in a want to get out of here sort of way and Betty smiles, looking over to Kevin. “I think I’m going to let,” she pats Archie on the shoulder and raises her brows, “Sergeant Andrews here walk me home.” Notes: Based off of 5x06 stills. Drunk Archie! Exhibionist Barchie! A Betty who is terrible at friends with benefits! Yeah!

light my fire  Author: bettycooopers Rating: Explicit Length: 2,797 Summary: Betty wakes up frustrated. She goes to bed frustrated. Riverdale is frustrating, in general – but the fact that she’s living in her childhood bedroom with Archie Andrews only a few hundred yards away, looking frustrating all the time is making it worse. Much worse. Notes: Based off of that still Roberto posted of Archie in firefighter gear. Yeah, you know the one. 

lock the door (and throw out the key) Author: bettycooopers Rating: Explicit Length: 8,269 Summary: Cheryl’s always been one for chaos, and this key party seems like the kind of thing that will cause it no matter who winds up together. Notes: What’s going to be more chaotic, the actual key party (if it happens), or the events of this fic? Place your bets! 

Love’s under a lock and key Author: creative_soul Rating: Mature Length: 3,306 Summary: Seven years have past since Betty left Riverdale behind. Seven years have passed since she last saw Jughead, Veronica and Archie... but now here she is seven years later on the steps of Thistle House. Notes: So... you’ve heard about the key party theory by now, right?

Our place, we make the rules Author: Littlebarchie07 Rating: Teen Length: 1,816 Summary: Betty goes over to Archie’s house for a *not* midnight hookup the night of the shower scene but is surprised when Jughead answers the door. Post 5x05. Notes: Betty is the least subtle she’s ever been, and also made us laugh out loud with one line in particular.

tell me you love me on the bathroom floor Author: soldierwitch Rating: Mature Length: 804 Summary: It’s been seven years since Betty’s had Archie. Though in hindsight she realizes that what she had back then was just a taste. A chaste kiss on the lips, a slip of the tongue. Underneath the stream of water coming from his shower head, she wonders what she really knew of him physically. Notes: Set during the shower scene.

That Shower Scene Author: ThisCalmsMe Rating: Explicit Length: 3,420 Summary: Barchie shower scene, that's it. That's the summary. NOT for underage viewing. Notes: The author said it themselves, but you know what scene this is. Can you believe we get to tag this as canon? Us neither!

The Small Hours Author: network_connectivity_issues Rating: Teen Length: 2,632 Summary: Just a little angsty bonding between Betty and Archie based on some of the snippets and speculation coming out of the Time Jump trailer. Notes: This fic is god tier. End of.

Through Fire and Rain Author: Littlebarchie07 Rating: Teen Length: 1,218 Summary: The aftermath of the fire at Archie’s house, Betty asks him to stay with her. Takes place after 5x06 Notes: The 5x07 subplot we deserve!

Who’s That at the Door? Author: CanaryWidow Rating: Teen Length: 1,853 Summary: A 5x07 speculation fic where Betty and Archie are tiptoeing around their true feelings for each other in a FWB relationship. Reality, in the form of Glen, comes knocking at their door--literally. Notes: Give us jealous Archie, we’re here for jealous Archie!

“You didn’t have to do this, you know.” Author: staryu Rating: Not Rated Length: 473 Summary: here have jealous betty at a bar! Notes: Give us jealous Betty, we want jealous Betty!

“You didn’t have to scare me like that.” Author: bettycooopers Rating: Not Rated Length: 485 Summary: Betty wakes from the nightmare (the nightmare, the one she always has) gasping for air and presses her hand to her face. She sucks in a long breath, the way Dr. Starling had instructed – why she had even mentioned the nightmares to her mandatory therapist, she’s not sure, but the only thing that’s even come close to useful from their sessions has been the deep breathing. Notes: Okay, but we all had at least considered that Betty could’ve been pointing that gun at Archie, right?

you ought to keep me concealed just like i was a weapon Author: bettycooopers Rating: Explicit Length: 4,037 Summary: “We’re getting that fucking house back,” Betty says, her voice low. “There’s no other option.” Notes: We’re still yelling about this one.

#type: masterlist #setting: canon #setting: s5 au #status: complete

[twoidiotwriters1]

Déjà Vu (Or are we losing our minds?) VI -Modern!Shirbert

Words: 2,292

Series’ Masterlist

Previous Chapter // Next Chapter

Chapter Six: Kindred Spirits.

Anne to ‘Golden Trio’: I know you were looking forward to our party this weekend but I just got my period and I’m DYING so… rain check?

Cole: Bitch—

Diana: Oh, no! :( I hate when that happens, but it’s okay, we can wait!

Cole: I just want you to appreciate my friendship right now cause I’m on the verge of throwing myself over a cliff but fine, I have no uterus, no opinion. I’ll have to stand these beasts a while longer

Diana: Those are your nieces, nephews and siblings you’re talking about, Cole…

Cole: And I love them but doesn’t mean they don’t suck

Anne: I love you so much Cole, I promise next week it’s on!

Anne dropped her phone on her nightstand, then it buzzed once more, she groaned but picked it up anyway, Josie's name on the screen.

Josie: Ruby’s having a crisis. Waiter guy won’t answer his phone and now she’s on the verge of shaving her head.

Anne: goddamit I just got my period, I’m still on my pj’s!

Josie: We can go to your place? I really don’t want to deal with Ruby on my own...

Anne bit her lip, she had the tendency to lack patience during her periods, but the girls needed her, so she couldn’t say no.

Anne to ‘Golden Trio’: If you guys feel like witnessing some drama Josie’s heading to my place with a "Pink Crisis."

Cole: Fuck, did that waiter broke things off with Ruby already?

Anne: Apparently he’s not answering her texts and Ruby’s about to go crazy.

Cole: I’m in. Anything as long as I can leave the house.

Diana: Sorry, I was talking with Minnie May

Diana: btw I’m in too, let me see if I can take the car and I’ll pick you up @Cole

Cole: Cool, text me when you’re coming.

Anne dropped her phone again, this time on her pillow, and got up to let tell Marilla and Matthew that the girls plus Cole were coming. 

A strange thought came to her as she got up from bed. She felt like there was something missing, something was out of place, or unfinished. Was she supposed to text someone? Had she missed an appointment?

‘A doctor's appointment,’ said a voice at the back of her head.

Anne snorted at the absurdity of that, she knew there was no doctor's appointment scheduled, what the hell was wrong with her? Maybe it was just the hormones...

___________________

Bash was still not over the fact that Gilbert had had a “wet dream” about Moody’s girl and kept teasing whenever he could. It wasn’t Ruby though, Gilbert knew that, somehow.

He was sure that the girl in his dreams had red hair and grey eyes. Or blue, he couldn’t remember well. Either way, as the afternoon went away he started to forget. Sure enough, it’d been nice, he woke up feeling some sort of strange joy for the rest of his shift until it was time to close the diner, then his mind drifted to the dishes he needed to clean and the bills they had to pay.

While Mary was upstairs putting Delly to bed Bash sat next to him on the living room, making sure to mess up the comfortable position Gilbert was in by putting his legs on the boy's lap and laying on the whole lenght of the couch.

“Sometimes I feel like you’re the real twenty-year-old in this house and I’m the parent,” Gilbert rolled his eyes, pushing Bash’s legs away.

“That’s cause you’re always grumpy. You know why you always grumpy, Blythe?” Bash smirked.

“I don’t want to know.”

“It’s because you need to get laid.”

“There we go…”

“Why can’t you be a normal young adult and get one of those apps to hook up?”

“Because everytime I try it, all I think about is how I could end up murdered or sick- Do you want me to die of syphilis, Bash? Is that what you want?”

“Don’t be dramatic.”

“I’m not that desperate for sex, anyway.”

“I don’t wanna know the context of that sentence at all,” Mary walked in holding a basket full of Delly’s clothes. “But since you have all this free time to talk about your sex life, why don’t you help me with the girl’s stuff and fold them while I make myself a cup of tea?”

“Sure,” Gilbert agreed, happy to change the subject.

___________________

“Am I asking too much? Does god hate me?”

The group groaned in exasperation at Ruby’s inquires.

“I think you should finish your tea and breathe,” Diana said patiently.

“What she needs is to get her shit together and understand that it’s the twenty-first century. No man is going to propose to you after a drunk make-out session, Ruby!” Josie rolled her eyes.

“I know that!” Ruby said defensively. “But he’d been so nice even before that... I thought he liked me!”

“Maybe he does,” Anne said. “You have to remember that it’s Christmas, maybe he’s shopping? Maybe his phone got busted? I don’t know, give him the benefit of the doubt!”

“You know what my advice is,” Cole said simply.

“Yes,” Diana and Anne said at the same time.

“I’m gonna say it anyway. Dump the idiot and live your best life. Why are you trying to have a serious relationship when half of the boys in college are desperately trying to get in your pants?”

“Are you trying to get her pregnant or with syphilis? Because that’s how you do it, that's how you get syphilis,” Anne said crossed her arms. “She doesn’t have to sleep around to be happy! She just needs to be logical!”

“Okay, Dr. Heart, what do you recommend?” Josie huffed.

Anne whined and curled up under the covers. Ruby and Josie were sitting at the edge of her bed while Diana and Cole laid casually on the floor, their heads against the pillows Anne had given them so they weren’t completely flat on the ground.

“I don’t know, I’ve never dated a guy for more than a month.”

“Ew, Roy,” Cole said instantly.

“But maybe… I don’t know, do you have his intagram or something?”

“I do,” Ruby sniffed. “I haven’t checked it cause I didn’t want to look desperate and you know how I always accidentally like old pictures…”

“Facebook?”

“No...”

“If you have his instagram, you have his facebook,” Cole said.

“How come?”

“Give me your phone,” His hand lifted from the ground, Ruby gave it to him.

“Okay, so we decided to go full stalker then,” Josie said bluntly.

“It’s either this or…” Anne stopped herself before saying ‘or hearing Ruby mop for another three hours’ but managed to hold her tongue just in time.

“This is for the best,” Diana replied almost as if talking of a medical procedure.

“Can someone go to the bathroom and fetch me the painkillers?” Anne groaned.

“I’ll go, see if I can drown myself in the toilet,” Josie mumbled. “I can’t believe you guys are my best friends…”

Anne laughed at that. Truth be told, Josie and her weren’t exactly close during their youth, Josie even sort of made her life a living hell for a whole year during Junior high, then some random dude tried to take advantage of her during a school dance and Anne stood up for her in front of the whole school. Josie spent the rest of her highschool years making up for her bad actions by defending Anne from any nasty comments anyone would throw her way.

She kept this up even during college, and Anne would’ve gladly told her it wasn’t necessary if it wasn’t because Josie seemed to get more insulted whenever Anne tried to point it out than if she was actually insulting her.

“You know what I’d love to have right now?” Anne yawned.

“A nap?”

“I’d love to have one of those god awful pancakes they used to make in our highschool’s cafeteria. God, they were awful, but for some reason I’m craving those fucking pancakes...”

“You ever crave flowers?” Diana asked absentmindedly.

“What?” Anne laughed. “What do you mean?”

“Like, you walk past a flower shop and you see a gorgeous bouquet, and then some random day you’re like, ‘Man, I wish I had the bouquet, it’d look amazing on my coffee table'”

“I… no– wow, I think it’s the first time you've beat me, Diana. That was the weirdest thing I’ve heard in a while.”

“Oh please, you love flowers, you must have felt that way at some point!”

“No, I swear,” Anne sat up. “I mean, maybe because if I see pretty flowers I just buy them, never been one to say no to buying flowers.”

“That’s the reason why our flat always stinks like gardenia, or roses, or lilies…” Cole adds distractedly.

“You know,” Ruby said, a bit calmer than before. “No boy has ever given me a bouquet.”

“That makes two of us,” Anne patted her knee.

“Three,” said Cole.

___________________

“So, Moody got mugged as soon as he left the bus station yesterday,” Gilbert sighed.

“Oh god, is he alright?” Winnie asked through the phone.

Winifred was back in town for the holidays, and she had many stories to tell about Paris and the girls she’d met there. She was one of Gilbert’s best friends from highschool, if not the only he still had from that time apart from Moody.

They were planning to have lunch the next day, but she’d called him to let him know she was home now, safe and sound, and they were chatting the night away.

“Yeah, a black eye and no phone or wallet, but fine,” Gilbert chuckled. “What’s worse is that he’s not even mad about that, he's upset that he won’t be able to text his girl...”

“What?!” She gasped. “I didn’t know Moody had a girlfriend!”

“He doesn’t,” The boy squinted. “Well, I think they saw each other the other night at the bar and they kissed, but I’m not so sure.”

“Right, because you were utterly shit-faced.”

“Yup.”

He heard her laugh.

“I miss you two so much! Honestly, sometimes I feel like french guys lack sense of humor.”

“Oh, but I bet the girls were quite amusing, considering you oficially dated at least two of them throughout the semester,” He teased.

“Didn’t say I wasn’t having fun,” Winnie replied, he could pictured her smirking. “Looks like the only one who’s got no game is Canada’s Golden Boy! What’s the matter, Gilbert? No girl is worthy of your charms? Are you waiting until marriage?”

“Not quite,” He grinned. “I’ve been busy studying, that’s all.”

“I worry about you, don’t want to see you in ten years all grey and grumpy.”

“That's awfully rude, Bash is not grey and he’s ten years older than us!”

“Yeah but I’ve heard that if you don’t have sex you die faster.”

“That’s the biggest slander I’ve ever heard. Don’t try to scare the future Doctor with fake news!”

“Well, future Doctor, I just want to make sure you don’t end up as the spinster of our group. Not that is bad, if you want to be alone that’s cool, but please don’t be a bitter one, you know, like those old librarians?”

“So what should I be then, the old spinster that invites you to have tea every sunday?”

“Yeah, you could even own a coffee shop- oh wait, you do!”

“Rude,” Gilbert frowned, but he was still smiling. “The Orchard is not a coffee shop, just so you know.“

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Winnie chuckled. “See you tomorrow?”

“Totally.”

“Got it!”

___________________

The girls straightened up at Cole’s announcement, all of them excited.

“And?” Diana urged him.

“Good news or bad news?”

“Bad news,” Cole looked up. “He posted this five hours ago…”

He handed the phone to Diana, then she gave it to Anne, there she read the most recent post on his page:

‘Someone stole my phone and wallet, please block the number in the meantime. If you need me you can send a private message here.’

“Could’ve been worse,” Anne gave the phone back to Ruby so she could read what it said.

Ruby sighed heavily.

“He doesn’t hate me.”

“Of course not, you’re a ray of freaking sunshine,” Josie retorted.

“I still think this is god giving you the opportunity to reconsider,” Cole replied. “Don’t commit, Ruby, you’re too young to get married–”

“She won’t get married!” Diana slapped his arm, then hesitated. “Well, at least not anytime soon... right, Ruby?”

“It’s late, children,” Marilla peeked through the door. “You can have dinner here if you want, we have room for all of you, but if you don’t then I suggest you to say your goodbyes now...”

“Thank you Marilla,” Anne smiled. “They’ll be on their way.”

“You can stay the night if you want as well,” Marilla added. “Matthew and I missed the fuss you kids make around the house whenever Anne invites you.”

“That’s so kind, thank you,” Ruby beamed.

Marilla left and Anne turned to look at the group.

“So any of you want to stay?”

“You know I do,” Cole smirked.

“Same,” Josie admitted. “My mom's being a pain right now: ‘Are you dating someone, love?’ ‘Will you ever give me grandchildren?’”

“I’d like to stay too,” Ruby said, deep in thought. “I know he’s not avoiding me, but I really don’t want to sleep alone tonight…”

“You have two younger sisters, Ruby.”

“It’s not the same!”

“See?” Cole said. “Ruby gets it!”

“I’ll have to pass,” Diana sighed. “My dad needs the car tomorrow morning, last minute shopping.”

“We still have next week,” Anne assured her with a small smile.

Taglist.

@ninizkd @http-itsrebecca @fuckthisshitimoutyall @just-here-to-escape-from-reality​​ @little-boats-on-a-lake

#twoidiots writing #anne with an e fanfic #anne with an e #anne shirley cuthbert #anne shirley x gilbert blythe #Gilbert Blythe #DV fic #shirbert #shirbert fanfic #awae

[yourlocalauthor]

Adore You PT.2

Pairing: Topper x Reader

Summary: Reader moved to the OBX two years ago. One year in she started dating Topper Thornton. Our once feisty reader, is now struggling with an identity crisis (this is shit but its 230 where i am)

Word Count: 2.4k+

Warnings: Drugs and Alcohol, and some cursing. That should be all.

Additional: This part two go read part one . tagging @goddsquad again because one of her posts inspired me to do this

Part 1

Things were finally good. For the first time in two years you weren’t desperate to get off the island. Things were very different for you, and you didn’t mind it. Last year after that night, you and Topper hung out. Matter of fact you had begun hanging out with your brother’s friend group. He wasn’t happy, but you were able to black mail him over your knowledge of him and his new found love for cocaine. Although he swears it was just the one time. So life began to change a little bit for you. That summer was magical, and you owed it all to your drunk self walking in on your brother doing a line of coke. You had begun dating Topper in late July. Since then things had only gone up hill for you, at school people were actually talking to you. You had actual kook girls talking to you, and deep down you knew they were doing it because of your boyfriend, and/or brother. The brother part wasn’t new to you though. But being Topper’s girlfriend wasn’t easy; you had a new reputation to uphold, his family’s. You didn’t think much of it, until his mother pulled you aside one day. Topper’s mother scared the shit of you. She always gave you this glare, even before you even knew Topper. You were fairly sure she was a part of the neighborhood women who enjoyed talking about you. Your suspicions were only confirmed when she talked to you. She told you to put away the whole charade, act like a real lady, and to stop dressing like a whore. When you got home you cried for hours, but you loved Topper. You loved him so much that you would put up with it. So you changed yourself, your bright eyeshadows were saved for going out and partying, the little gemstones you’d stick to your face were in a drawer collecting dust, no more low cut shirts, or low coverage bottoms. There were days where you’d look in the mirror, and a stranger would be staring back at you. And it was foolish, how less then a year ago you didn’t care what anyone on this stupid island thought of you, but ever since people started to acknowledge your existence in a somewhat positive way you missed having that attention. You didn’t want it to go away, so you did what you needed to. You didn’t expect him too, but Topper started to notice. He’d ask about it here and there and you’d tell him you just didn’t feel like going through the whole process of getting ready. He believed you and then you’d get back to whatever the two of you were doing. And it worked for the two of you, and you weren’t exactly sure what love felt like but this felt like it. So you were willing to do whatever you needed to, to stay with him.

Dinner parties you hated them. Always had, and probably always will. But the thing with suddenly becoming a part of the elite of the elite Kooks, was they threw a lot of them. Coincidentally the Thorntons had this huge party, every year where practically everyone on the figure eight was invited. You remembered the one last year, you were in New York much to your mother's dismay but it was your best friend’s birthday and you wouldn’t miss it for the world. But of course you couldn’t skip it this year. You dreaded Friday evening, looking for an excuse to get away but of course the time came and you had to start getting ready.

You needed to be simple. You never thought you’d think like that, but here you were. You had gone out towards the mainland, last weekend with a bunch of your ‘girlfriends’. The only reason you were all friends was because your boyfriends were all friends, and it worked ever so slightly. You all were able to benefit each out, in your case they were able to help you dress for the occasion. They helped you pick out this flowery flowy white dress, it ended just about your knees, it had a scooped neckline that didn’t show off too much, and it had little sleeves. Deep down you hated how boring it was, but the only thing running through your mind was ‘Mrs. Thornton would love this.’ You hated to admit it but you’d do anything to impress her. Your friends helped you buy some Anastasia Beverly Hills palette, they said the neutrals would be really useful and would make you achieve that natural no makeup makeup look. You always thought no makeup makeup looks were silly but to each their own. What your friends didn't know was you bought another pair of lashes on the way out of Ulta. No matter how toned down you made yourself look, you always had lashes. They were your one few sources of freedom. You pulled out the dress, staring at it. White went well with your tan, maybe that's why you always managed to slip the color into your outfits. You pulled out the dress, sliding it on. You stared into your mirror, but you weren’t staring back. It was another girl, a girl who looked like she was born and raised a kook. Someone who hadn’t seen much in life, and was going to live a boring uneventful life. And you couldn’t believe it was you, but maybe this was who you were turning into… a trophy wife. You ignored that thought, walking over to your vanity to do your makeup. And once you were done, you looked back at the mirror. The only thing that said you was your lashes, and you were content with that for now. You grabbed your phone, and the little bag from the first time you really met Topper. It was your go to party bag, it had enough room for everything, and black went with everything.

Arriving at your boyfriend’s house was no different than the hundreds of times you’ve done it before. You guys were early, of course you had to be. It was so weird how dating in the Outer Banks, no matter how old you were your families became a family together. So your mother went off with Topper’s mother, your little brother trailing behind. Your father and older brother went off with Topper’s dad already talking about golf, and boats and whatever men liked to talk about. Which left you to find Topper. You went up the stairs taking the familiar route to his room, and of course he was there working on something at his desk. You knew a lot of people thought he was just another rich egotistical asshole. But deep down, he wasn’t, he worked his ass off in school always trying his best to impress his dad, and he cared about you so much. You two weren’t big on PDA, it was mainly you but he respected you enough. You just didn’t want to hear shit about you kissing your boyfriend so you just didn’t do it in public. But in private he was the most caring, gentle, sweetest human being to you. Sometimes you felt like you weren’t good enough, there were so many girls on the island he could’ve chosen. Girls who were more put together, able to be presentable at all times. Ones who fit in with the dinner party crowds, were able to have proper conversations with adults, and were able to be the center of attention but in a good way. You tried to put your negative thoughts behind, wanting to leave them at the door. You gently knocked on the door frame, a smile on your face.

“Hey”

You watched him turn around, a large smile spread across his face as he stood up from his chair. He casually walked over to you, and brought his hands to your cheeks. He leaned down, as you leaned forward practically melting into the kiss, Of course he pulled away first, looking you up and down once again.

“You look...different.”

“Different?”

“It’s just so… toned down.”

“Well I mean it’s a dinner party so I didn’t want too you know, do the whole thing.”

You could see him pondering, and then choosing to ignore it becoming distracted by whatever had popped up next in his mind.

“I just remembered I got you something. And before you say anything, consider it an early anniversary gift, even though you said you didn’t want to do anything for it. I just saw this, the last time I was on the mainland and had to get them for you.”

Gifts, that was one of Topper’s specialties. It was a little more excessive when you first began dating, until you told him how you felt. But every now and then for some holiday or something he’d get you something extravagant. It sucked because you weren’t good at giving gifts, you liked making memories instead of giving gifts.

“Top…”

“Just close your eyes okay?”

You obliged as you felt him move closer to you, his hot breath practically on your neck. You waited patiently, until you felt the cool familiar feeling of a chain wrapping around your neck. You could feel his thumbs graze across your neck, as you assumed he was fumbling with the clasp.

“Open”

You slowly opened your eyes, looking across at the mirror. It was a small silver necklace, with a little blueish gem at the center of the chain. And it felt like too much.

“Topper, I don’t deserve this.”

“Yes you do, it’s a gift for me too. It’ll remind me of how we’ve been together for a year everytime you wear it.

“I didn’t even get you anything. We promised each other no gifts.”

“It doesn’t matter Y/N you’re all I need really.”

You stared at the mirror, at the two of you standing in it. You weren’t exactly sure how to react to this whole situation, it just made you feel like a worse girlfriend.

“Thank you… I’m going to go see if I can help downstairs.”

You gave him a small peck, before turning back out the door and down the stairs.

A special note about Kooks, they don’t care about drinking laws. So basically anyone over the age of sixteen was drinking. You didn’t really realize you were drinking a lot. You had built up such a tolerance, that you didn’t realize you were drunk. You kept filling up your glass with wine, not that the adults were even bothered at paying attention. In fact you were fairly certain no one's eyes were on you, for the first time since you could remember. No one was paying attention to you, or so you thought. From across your seat Topper, was watching you slyly he could see you taking drink after drink, mentally counting them.

After dinner everyone was socializing, but you were very drunk. You tried your best at hiding it, sitting down, distancing yourself from those around. It was a good thing that most of the adults were too distracted or drunk to notice you. God you were such a shitty girlfriend. You were definitely an embarrassment. You stood up from your spot, trying to find a room that was empty. You stumbled here and there but you made it to the living room, although it wasn’t really a living room. Point was you just needed to get past everyone and you were good. You were just about to get through the whole crow when a certain blonde caught your eye. Topper was talking to some girl, you believed her name was Chelsea but you didn’t really care. What you cared up was the way she’d occasionally touch his arm, and look at him. And honestly it just made everything you were feeling worse. You could see he wasn’t exactly comfortable, but your drunken state wasn’t paying attention to that factor. You cared about how that was supposed to be you, instead of being drunk, and you couldn’t help the thought of you being a shitty girlfriend running through your mind again. It was only until Topper saw you did you move, you moved past the crowd, heading up the stairs into one of the empty guest rooms despite the calls of your name. You really shouldn’t of been surprised when he came in not even moments later shutting the door behind him.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah just peachy, why do you ask?”

“Look Y/N you freaked out about the necklace but is that really all that’s going on? You’ve been so different these past couple of months.”

He stepped closer to you, gently taking your hands into yours. And that’s when the tears began to flow.

“I’m a shitty girlfriend.”

“No you’re not”

“Yes I am.”

“Y/N I don’t care about some stupid anniversary gift.”

“No it’s not that, I’m not a perfect Kook. I’m not even a good one.”

“Y/N I don’t car-”

“We should break up.”

“Y/N/“

“I’m serious, your mom would be so happy. She hates me.”

“I don’t care about what she thinks.”

“Well I do, and I can’t stand here knowing you deserve better. You deserve someone, who’ll accept all your gifts no questions asked, someone who doesn’t get drunk at dinner parties, someone who doesn’t dress like I do, someone who knows how to do natural makeup, and talk like a proper lady-”

“Y/N”

“You just deserve better Top, I don’t deserve you. I’m a mess compared to you and your family.”

“Y/N I don’t care.”

“Well maybe you should. Maybe you should care how clueless I am when it comes to stuff like this. You deserve some prissy, perfect girl not me, I’m just a fucking mes-”

You were shut up by a kiss. Topper pulled back, looking at you while wiping your tears with his thumb.

“Y/N. I don’t want some prissy princess. I want you. You’re absolutely gorgeous inside and out. I don’t want you to be like the other girls on the island. I want you to be you, that’s why I fell in love with you. And that’s why I still love you, so can you please just be quiet and let me adore you?”

You gave him a small nod, and it was once again sweet and gentle. And for the first time you felt like a weight had been lifted. You  didn’t care what anyone thought anymore because Topper loved you, he loved you for you and quite frankly that’s all that mattered.

#topper thornton #topper outer banks #topper #topper obx #OBX #obx x reader #obx fanfiction #outer banks #outerbanks #jj maybank #obx #jj outer banks #obx jj #jj angst #jj fluff

[nomattertheoceans]

Feysand Holiday Fluff Fest - Day 31

Can’t you just leave me alone?

Prompt: we’re arguing at midnight on new year’s eve, and decide to kiss - 1,3k words

Why she had accepted to come to this party, Feyre didn’t know.

Well, she did. She hadn’t wanted to spend New Year’s Eve alone, and Mor had told her that she should come with her to her girlfriend’s house. She had promised she would spend most of the night with Feyre, and Feyre had believed her.

So now here she was, sitting alone on the couch, sipping a glass of champagne silently, Mor nowhere in sight. The pop music was blasting through the speakers, and Feyre could feel the sorrow building in her chest as she took in the people around her, laughing and chatting easily. She should have just stayed home. But staying home had meant brooding all night over her ex-boyfriend and the girl he had been sleeping with when they were dating, and she really didn't want to do that.

Not that this was much better. The only really difference was that instead of being on her own, she was moping in the middle of a crowd, one mainly made up of loving couples. The situation couldn’t have been worse.

“Hey, Darling. Why the long face?”

Well, she would be damned, it could. She rolled her eyes before turning to the guy sitting beside her on the couch, a glass of champagne in his hand, his usual smirk on display, his mesmerizing eyes piercing through her. Mor’s cousin, Rhysand. Of all the people she didn’t want to run into, he had to be here.

“What are you doing here, Rhysand?”

“Enjoying myself and getting ready to celebrate the beginning of the new year. What about you?”

“Same.”

“You might be getting ready to celebrate, but your face tells me you’re not enjoying yourself.”

God, two minutes with him and she was already more riled up. He had that effect on her, with his flirting and his smirking and his walking around like he owned the place, any place he set foot in. Of course, he was always somewhat nice to her, but at the moment, she didn’t want someone to be nice. She wanted someone to yell at. And she knew who she wanted to yell at, but he wasn’t here. He was probably screwing her again.

She had broken up with him less than three days ago, and her heart was aching, burning with anger everytime she thought about him. All the time. And she couldn’t just take it out on anybody.

“Today’s not the day, Rhys. Leave me alone.”

His tone changed at her words, and if possible, she hated it even more. He sat up and looked at her for real. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Feyre -”

“I said I don’t want to talk. Good night.”

And, not fully aware of what she was doing, she let her champagne on the ground and got up. “You can tell Mor not to look for me.”

She walked towards the front door without another word, and was outside in seconds. She took in the freezing weather, and the snow falling heavily on her shoulders, but she didn’t want to stop.

“Feyre, wait!”

Rhys was running after her, but she didn't slow down. He reached her quickly anyway, and put a hand on her arm. She stopped in her tracks and turned to him, yanking her arm away.

“Can’t you just leave me alone?”

“You forgot your coat.”

He was indeed holding out her coat to her, and she grabbed in without meeting his stare. She was putting it on when he resumed talking.

“Feyre, talk to me. What’s going on?”

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

He let out a dark laugh. “Oh, you certainly look fine. Running out of parties half drunk and without telling anybody.”

“I told you, didn't I? Can I go now?” She could feel the tears rise in her eyes, the anger building up again.

“Tell me what’s going on.”

“Oh, you want to know what’s going on? Tamlin cheated on me, that’s what’s going on!” He gaped at her, and he took a step towards her, but she stepped away. “He was screwing that bitch Ianthe, probably ever since we got together. He cheated on me, and I left him, and I don’t want to talk about it!” He was going to talk, but she wasn’t finished. “And I didn’t want to talk to anybody about it, and especially not to you! You, and your stupid smirk, and your comments about how he wasn’t a good boyfriend, and how he didn’t deserve me! Oh, you must be happy, now, right? Now I’m all alone, but at least you were right about him all along! So why don’t you go back inside and gloat to your friends about my miserable life, huh?”

She stopped to take in ragged breath, and she felt her eyes burn under the tears that were running down her cheeks. But Rhys didn’t laugh, he didn’t smirk. He just stepped in towards her and wrapped his arms around her.

He held her against his chest for a moment, until her fist unclenched and her tears stopped. And she felt bad about having yelled at him. Because it wasn’t his fault, none of it was his fault. She had just needed to yell.  She pushed him away slightly, and he let her go immediately, only to rest his hands on her shoulders.

“I’m so sorry, Feyre. I truly am. I don’t like him, but I never wanted him to hurt you. And I understand if you want to go home alone. But if you want to talk, I’m here for you.”

And his eyes were gentle, sad, and his hands were squeezing her shoulders just enough to make her feel he was here.

Then she heard the countdown. Everybody shouting numbers in the house behind him.

“You’re gonna miss the New Year,” she whispered, and he shrugged.

“Doesn’t matter.”

The numbers were closing in on zero, and she couldn’t tear her eyes away from him. And finally, when everybody was yelling “Happy New Year!” from inside the house, she found the strength to talk again.

“Kiss me.”

“What?”

“Rhys, kiss me.”

And because he wasn’t moving, his eyes full of doubts, she grabbed his face in her hands and brought his lips to hers. He answered her touch immediately, his hands sliding up in her hair to keep her against him. She could feel the taste of champagne on his lips, but she didn’t care. She wanted more. She needed more. So she ran her tongue against his lips, and he opened his mouth for her. And she could have lost herself in that kiss forever, lost herself in how good it was and how amazing it made her feel.

But, after what seemed like an eternity, he stepped back. Only then did she realize she had closed her eyes, because she needed to open them to look at him. He was smiling at her, gentle, surprised, catching his breath heavily. They stood in the snow, holding on to each other, smiling.

Finally, only after the cheers in the house had calmed down and the music was back at a normal volume, did Rhys talk, a mere whisper against her.

“Why?”

She knew what he meant. “Because you wouldn’t let me go when you saw I was upset. Because you hugged me after I yelled at you for no reason.” She looked up into his eyes. “Because you wouldn’t leave me alone.”

He smiled.

“I would never leave you alone if you needed me, Feyre.”

And she knew it was true. So she slowly let go of his face to lower her hands, only to find his and intertwine their fingers together.

“I don’t want to go back to the party, Rhys. But I don’t really want to go home alone.”

And he understood, as he always did. So they walked in the snow together, until they reached her apartment, and started the new year curled up into each other’s arms, their smiles never leaving them.

Current tag list (send me an ask if you want to be tagged, I have a hard time keeping track of the comments):

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#Feysand Holiday Fluff Fest #feysand fanfiction #that's the last one guys!!!!!!

[zer0comma]

why out of the blue by julian casablancas is one of the best songs ever written

okay so first of all, happy brthday to phrazes for the young. i can’t believe it’s been 10 years already!!! phrazes for the young is a great and very underappreciated record and i like how the album managed to gather some sort of a cult following during these years. and even tho julian doesn't seem too proud of it, i’m happy that he made it and i don’t think he fully regrets making it either. after all it helped him figure out what he actually wants to do, and it does feel like beginning of of the voidz since the songs are made of a lot of layers like voidz songs especially on tyranny!

now let's talk about the song! i always love talking about this song because i rarely see fans mention it. whenever you ask julian’s fans abt their favorite songs from phrazes, most of them are going to mention river of breaklights or glass or maybe left and right in the dark and it’s understandable because these songs are truly great. but out of the blue is equally great. the song has everything i like about julian's songs: simple yet very beautiful and touching melodies, clever and cynical lyrics with clever twists that tell a story, his deep voice and a catchy and uplifting chorus.

let's start with the beginning. one of my favorite parts in this song is the carnivalesque and fun yet somehow creepy (??) intro. it's one of the best intros ive ever heard honestly and sometimes i can't finish listening to the song because i keep replaying that part!! (you can hear it here). when julian starts singing, his voice sounds very deep and i LOVE it. i really love how he keeps repeating the same lyrics to give the listener an idea on how his feelings of frustration keep evolving and it also paints a great image which is something he's really great at. 

the chorus is one of the catchiest choruses julian has ever written which is probably one of the reasons why he doesn't like this song... but it really showcases his songwriting abilities.it's super interesting how the same man who wrote one of the greatest rock albums of the 2000s can also write such catchy and pop sounding songs with ease!!

this part after the “take all your dreams” part is also very interesting. can you hear how he keeps adding layer after layer? you can also hear this in tyranny, and i really like it because it adds depth to the song and makes it much more interesting and fun to listen to since you can hear a new layer everytime you listen to this song! (here)

this outro right here is what sold the song for me initially. this is what julian does best: writing beautiful melodies. this part makes me so emotional. its sweet and kind of nostalgic with a tinge of hope and i love how different it is from the intro. its really cool how the song progresses!! (here)

now let's talk about the lyrics. overall phrazes is one of his best albums lyrically. it's really poetic and clever and it has some of julian's best lyrics and most of them are personal which is something i really appreciate and this song is no exception. this song is one of the few songs in which julian talks about his experience with  media and fame. he's telling us how frustrated and angry he was and basically making fun of the "cool" image the media painted of him and the strokes back in the day. his feelings of anger and pain can be the result of many things. his relationship with the media and music critics but also his bandmates. the song was written during the fioe tour. it was a hard time for the band. there was a lot of tension and they eventually went on a hiatus and it was basically a big mess :/ (and things got even worse afterwards, thank god they’re doing better now). i also think it has something to do with his alcoholism. the line "and the ones that i made pay were never the ones who deserved it" is probably about how aggressive he was while drunk and how he took out his anger on his friends and bandmates even tho they weren't the reason behind his sadness and frustration. which actually leads us to the chorus!!

“how can you be/so perfect for me/why can’t you ignore/the things i did before”

it's almost like he can't believe he finally found someone who loves him and who's willing to support and help him become better: his wife. however, he’s still afraid that she might remember him as the aggressive and troubled alcoholic he was and not let his past die. he’s also making fun of the media. in here for example, when he says: “yes i know i’m going to hell in a leather jacket” (which is such a cool line), the strokes were associated with leather jackets. hell there’s even an interview in which the interviewer writes a super long paragraph talking about albert’s and fab’s jackets. the media created this image for them and only cared about that image, even more than the music at one time. also the line “at least i’ll be in another world while you’re pissing on my casket” is one of my absolute favorite lines in this song. it’s really ironic how the same people who overhyped them even before their 1st album came out, and created this entire image and scenario and world for them to exist in, are now criticizing them because they didn’t live up to that hype. these lyrics are just so witty and i love that! also i think it's worth mentioning that 9 years later, julian would say the same things in lazy boy. the lyric "jackets are the eyes to the soul" is taken from the same article i was talking about earlier (he also talks about his past self in that song). 

“all that I can do now is sing a song of faded glory/ and all you got to do is sit there, look great, and make them horny/ together we’ll sing songs and tell exaggerated stories/ about the way we feel today, and tonight and in the morning”. these lyrics are also very obvious. they are about how music journalists were trying to paint them in a specific image to fit their story and expectations, and then would attack them when they don't realize these unrealistic and stupid expectations. another fantastic part of the song.

 he ends the song with trying to accept that he can't do whatever he wants to do and just pretend that this is the way it is fo everyone even if it pains him to not bring his plans to life. this was something he talked about before :(

“and take all your fears/ and pretend there all true/ and take all your plans/ and pretend they fell through/ and that's what it's like for most people in this world” this is how he ends the song. it's sounds like no matter how much he's trying to accept it, he still sounds very crushed and disappointed. this part makes me really sad :/ (thankfully he now has a band in which he can whatever he wants).   and also the last line "before they come knocking on my door now"... it's really depressing how the media and music industry are so cruel to those who refuse to play by their rules and bend to their will and so many artists were victims of that, sadly. and what i really love about this part is how its sung over the beautiful and hopeful outro. julian is really really good at writing cheerful and uplifting songs with depressing and pessimistic lyrics. even the chorus has a tinge of regret and fear in it. (also i want to point out how a very depressing and sad song like human sadness has more hope in it than this song like...his mind honestly).

anyway i’m really bad at writing conclusions so yeah i love every part of this song. i love how contradictory the melodies and the lyrics are. it really has almost everything i love about julian's music and i really hope people would give it more attention because it's one of the greatest songs ive ever heard.

#if you read all of this i love you #i wrote this on his birthday for some reason i never posted it in here #which is weird bc i always post the things i write in here 1st #anyway i love this song #thanks julian for makiing it #my thoughts #jules shitposts #julian casablancas #music #mp

[fulldiarywords]

Worth the Thought

The dull, thudding dread in your stomach had started around half past three when your phone started buzzing - the monthly reminder from the cycle tracker app that your period should be starting any minute. 

It hadn’t. Yet. 

You swiped ignore on the notification and flipped the phone over on your desk, hoping that if you just concentrated on the spreadsheet in front of you, you’d be able to ignore the creeping anxiety about the fact that Auntie Flo usually arrived on time like clockwork.  Maybe it was just a day or two late.

But you couldn’t shake off the thought that maybe it wasn’t. And the computer screen was getting blurrier and blurrier by the minute and the sound of the clock on the wall opposite your chair was ticking louder and louder.  Your fingers felt like lead everytime you added a new sum to the column you were currently adding up. 

After about thirty minutes of a half hearted attempt of continuing the work day, you clicked the log out button on the desktop screen. 

“Hey, Claire?”, you asked, peering over the divider at your coworker. 

“Yeah??” She didn’t look up from her computer screen.

“I’m not feeling too well all the sudden. Gonna head out a bit early, I think.”

She stopped typing and met your gaze - “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.  Go ahead, doll. We’ll sort out these figures tomorrow.” 

You nodded your head in appreciation and gathered your things, cramming them into the oversized striped tote that George had given you a few Christmases ago. He reasoned that you loved stripes so it made sense that you should have something striped to carry around everyday - he seemed to always be insufferably cute in his logic of gift giving.  

The phone was the last thing you picked up - a new message notification from George seemed to be screaming out from the bright screen. 

So glad that you’ll be there tonight. 

“Shit.” You muttered it under your breath and hitched the bag on your shoulder. 

Geebs, I’m not feeling too well. Not sure if I can make it. 

It had taken him a while to gather the courage to ask you to accompany him to what he called “work functions”. You weren’t promoting anything, he had explained, so you didn’t need to be subjected to the endless barrage of flashbulbs and oddly boring questions from journalists. He would understand if you wanted to stay at home and keep everything private. But you didn’t mind. George always came to every office party or dinner, even the annual Christmas do that Claire tended to get too drunk at and cry to him about her apparently never ending singledom. Besides, you loved the way George swelled up with pride when he spoke about his experience working on a film - how much he loved creating something new. 

What’s up? 

Nothing serious. Just don’t feel too hot. Heading home early rn. 

I can ring Donna and see if I can get out of this thing. 

Don’t. Isn’t it a BAFTA party? 

Yea. That doesn’t matter tho. Been to enough at this point, tbh. 

Don’t be silly. I’m fine. Prob ate something bit odd at lunch. 

You sure, Piglet? 

You couldn’t help but give a small smile at his nickname for you. George claimed that when you got anxious, your voice got higher and you couldn’t stop saying “oh no” just like the Winnie the Pooh character. Also, there was his claim that when you laughed hard enough, you’d make soft snorting sounds instead of laughs. It was one of the cutest things about you, according to George. At least it was better than the nickname he ended up with. Allegedly - according to what you could remember - it started after one night where you had drank too much white wine for your own good and couldn’t find George inside the bar. You’d found him outside in the smoking section, chatting with a burly lighting grip in a Man City beanie.  Desperate to leave, you pawed at George’s shoulder, whining - “Geeeebs, I wanna gooo home now. Geeebs, lessssgo. Hooome. Goo.”   Man City had smirked and nodded at your swaying frame. “Geebs, looks like your girl needs a bit of help.” 

Yeah. I’m honestly just tired and wanna rest. Go! Have fun! Tell me all about it when you’re back! 

Ok. Ok. Ok. Party is at Groucho’s. Want me to pick up some ramen from that place in Soho that you like? 

Nah. Thank you tho :) 

What about Boots? Need me to grab anything?

Gonna stop omw home. 

Brilliant. Rest up, Pigs. Xx

Love you too, Geebs. X

By the time you’d heard the front door lock click open, the dread from earlier had turned into a tight panic that had threaded itself tightly into your chest.  If you just focussed on tidying up the flat, you wouldn’t have to think about what all the tests said. There weren’t thin pink lines in the suds of the washing up. 

“Hi, darling.” His voice sounded soft - as if he spoke any louder, he might cause your mysterious ailment to get worse. 

You didn’t turn around from the kitchen sink. Instead you squirted more Fairy liquid on an already saturated sponge. 

“Hi. How was the party?” 

“Just alright. Usual crowd. Usual questions. Managed to see Sam for a bit. He says hello, by the way. I convinced Donna to let me ditch early though.” 

You squinted, the mug in your hand slippery from the soap. “Really? You should have stayed!” 

George shrugged his coat off his shoulders, laying it over the back of the couch. He walked towards the kitchen, holding a brown paper bag. 

“I couldn’t possibly leave my poorly little piglet home alone any longer.” 

Out of the corner of your eye, you could see him place the bag on the island counter. Tonkostu. That ramen place in Soho you liked.  He was making it even harder to tell him what you needed to say. 

“Besides, we’ve both been busy and you know, I just wanted to be home instead of trying to come up with some clever line for who knows what”, he continued, unbuttoning his suit jacket. 

There wasn’t any way the mug in your hand could get cleaner. You sighed, placing it on the drying rack and turned to face George. He smiled as he met your eyes.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m still just fine. Knackered.” 

“You’re being awfully vague about what’s going on. Did something happen at work?” 

Biting the inside of your lip, you turned back to the sink. It would be easier to have this conversation without having to actually look at him. George in a suit was a particular weakness of yours and he’d been loaned a new double breasted one for the BAFTA party. Your mind was already all over the place. 

“Well…” 

“Well….” He replied as he pulled a water glass out of the cupboard next to you, nudging you a bit to let him get to the faucet to fill it up. You relented and turned off the water after he was done. 

“Maybe you should look over there.” You said, gesturing towards the brown bag. 

“You had a takeaway issue?” He laughed, leaning against the counter edge as he took a sip. 

You sighed and adjusted the messy bun on top of your head. “No. The other thing on the counter.” 

As he walked the short distance to see what was there, it felt like your heart was going to drop out of your chest. You hadn’t planned to have this conversation. At least not tonight.

“Wait. Are these what I think they are?” His brow had furrowed as he picked up the group of white plastic sticks. 

You didn’t answer.

“Pigs? Are...you...you know?” His voice seemed to be getting a little higher. A little faster. He set the test back down, unbuttoning his sleeves and rolling them up.  

“Am I what?”

George turned to you, his blue eyes wide with surprise - “Pregnant!” 

The silence in the two seconds that it took you to answer was suffocating, weighing itself down on your shoulders.

“Apparently so”, you flatly responded. 

“Fucking hell.” 

“You can say that again.” 

The joy in his voice made the nervousness you felt sting more - “You’re gonna have a baby. We’re gonna have a baby!” 

He took two wide steps towards you, his arms reaching for your waist. You sidestepped away from his embrace. You’d wanted to hear George say this, watch him slowly realise what was happening as he read the test for so long. Longer than you could remember. But for some reason, this felt all wrong. This wasn’t supposed to happen just yet. There were so many things you wanted to do before this. Career advancements to be made, trips to be had, awards to be won, plans to dream up. 

“Hold on. Let’s talk about this for a minute.”

“What’s there to talk about this? This is..I think...probably...no.. the best thing that’s ever happened.” 

Exasperated, you grabbed the dish towel and twisted it around your hand. “I think we should really think about this. I mean. It’s a big step and we only just started thinking about getting married.” 

“We’ve been together for five years. We’re still going to get married but it looks like we might be changing up the timeline of life events, though. I thought you were on the pill...” 

“I was. I am. But I forgot my birth control that weekend last month

He had leaned back over to the island and picked up one of the pregnancy tests, examining it more closely. 

“Mmm..”

It would be easier if you didn’t say it straight to his face. You turned back towards the window over the sink, the red lights of the London skyline blinking silently back at you. 

“Maybe I don’t want to have this baby yet.”

There was a hitch in his voice - you didn’t need to see him to know that his face had fallen.

“What do you mean you don’t want to have this baby?”

“I’m not ready. At least I feel like I’m not ready.” The words felt like bombs dropping. 

“You’re not bloody ready? Are you mental? You’re going to be the most amazing mother to walk this earth.” He ran his hand through his hair, his face tightened in confusion. 

“I mean. I dunno. I just hadn’t really felt like I was at the point where I could take care of another life.” 

George moved closer to you, ignoring the sound of you turning the sink faucet. “You’re so ready.”

“Oh”, you responded dryly, “Did you have a conversation with my mind to get that information?”

“Ok. No. You’re right. I didn’t. But I know you. And I love you. And I know that you’re gonna be fine. You’re gonna be grand.” 

Picking up a sauce pot, you resumed the washing up. You were stuck in now, but maybe the Fairy liquid could smooth over how awful this talk was going to get, you thought. 

“You’re not getting it. I don’t want this. Not yet.”

George gingerly laid his hand on your shoulder. “Wait. What are you trying to say?” His voice faltered. 

“I don’t know! I don’t know what I want!” 

“I thought you wanted children...” 

“I do! Just..not right now.” Your throat felt like it was clamping up as your voice rose. “We haven’t planned for this shit at all.” 

“Well. Yeah. We'll sort it out though.” 

You slammed the saucepot down in the sink. “No. You’re not listening. How are we going to fit a literal child into our lives? We live in a tiny fucking one bedroom flat. You’re about to leave to go to Australia for 3 months. Do we even have enough money to have a kid?”

He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and looked away. “I’ll drop the damn film. You know we’re financially sound.” 

You wished that you’d turned on more lights when you got home. The half lit kitchen wasn’t helping the dark mood at all. 

“Ok. Well maybe this isn’t a we situation then. There are things besides those.  I have a promotion at work I want. A career. I want to move up the ladder. I know as an actor you can get that. It’s like getting bloody famous or something.” 

He rolled his eyes. “Alright. Let’s not get petty.” 

The sink groaned a sharp metallic click as the water suddenly stopped. 

“This fucking stupid sink! George. You were supposed to fix it!” 

He nudged you out of the way and quickly shut the faucet off. 

“Pigs. Let’s not get into the sink right now.”

You threw the towel onto the counter, staring at the strawberry print. “Ok fine then. Maybe I don’t want to be like your mum and give everything up to raise this child.” 

George snapped his head towards you, his voice low and harsh. He only spoke like that when he was truly angry. 

“Don’t you dare bring my mother into this.”

“Why? You know she gave up her costumes for you and your sister.  And now she’s a fucking nursery teacher.” 

“She had a choice. You have a choice.” The sound of his hand hitting the counter reverberated around the two of you. 

“Well. Maybe my choice is that I’m not going to keep it.” 

“That’s not your choice!” 

Shocked and open mouthed, you grabbed one of the tests. The plastic felt like it could cut into your palm, you were gripping it so tightly. 

“Are you.. Are you fucking seriously fucking telling me I don’t have a choice?” You waved your closed fist in front of him, his eyes following the white stick. “I cannot believe...you arsehole.” 

He held his hands up in surrender. You didn’t stop. 

“You of all fucking people would tell me that what I want to do with my goddamn body isn’t my choice.” 

“That’s not what I meant….” 

“What did you mean then? That you had the final say in what happened to your child in my body, huh?” 

“No.” He grabbed your wrist to stop you from waving the test at him. 

“Let go of my fucking arm.”

“You need to calm down. That’s not what I meant” 

You jerked your arm free and threw the stick at his feet. “Don’t fucking tell me to calm down. I’m going upstairs. I swear to god, if you follow me.” 

Even forty five minutes in the bath felt like it wasn’t enough to make you feel better. You loved the clawfoot bathtub - it might have been your favourite thing in the cramped apartment you and George shared. 

The doorknob turned and you slid back under the water, scrunching your eyes and letting your nose stay slightly above waterline; hoping that if you stayed like that long enough, he would eventually just leave. 

“Hey” His voice sounded sad even muffled by the water. 

You didn’t respond. 

“I know that you can hear me. And I want to tell you that I’m sorry...I...shouldn’t have said that.” 

You opened one eye to his fuzzy form slouched above you.

“You’re absolutely right. It is your choice about what you want to do. And I need to support you. But I need you to talk to me about it first. It’s still going to have an impact on me. On us. But that doesn’t mean it will change anything about us. Or how I feel about you. How much I love you.” 

The water sloshed quietly as you slid yourself up the back of the tub. He didn’t notice that you were listening fully. 

“And you are going to be, whenever you want to be, the most amazing mother. You’re so kind and you love so deeply. You’re so fiercely protective that nothing will harm our child. I can’t wait to see that. I can’t wait..” 

“Geebs, it’s not an interview”, you said, laughing quietly at the way he tended to ramble when saying something he felt was important. 

He looked down at you, surprised. 

“There you are!” 

You smoothed your hair back, relishing the cool air of the tiled bathroom. 

“Thank you”, you responded quietly. 

“I needed to say it. What I said was wrong”, he sighed, perching himself on the edge of the tub, his back to you. 

“I’m so scared.”

“I’m scared too.” 

You looked up at him, slightly astounded that your take on everything the hard way George had responded. He gently drew a line back and forth on the water’s surface - “In fact. I’m bloody terrified.” 

“Why?”

He concentrated on the line, avoiding your gaze. “Well, what if something goes wrong? What if...you know..we...loseit. Or it hates us? Or it doesn’t learn anything we try and teach it? What if I’m not a good father? Or god forbid, it’s an Arsenal supporter?” 

You pulled yourself up further, bringing your knees to your chest and laughed. “Geebs, what football team our child supports is the least of your worries.” 

“Are you ready?”  Bathwater rippled outwards from his arm as he placed his large hand softly against your stomach. 

You paused and took his other hand in yours, water streaming into the crisp blue of his shirt - “Yes. I think I am. It took this bath and a good long cry. But...I dunno. Feels right. I’m still worried though.” 

“You’re going to be an amazing mum.” 

“I know,” you said, smiling cheekily. “You’ll be a better father though.” 

“Oh..c’mon now.” 

You blushed and pulled your mouth tightly into a smile - “You know, I actually decided I wanted to have your children after our sixth date.” 

He pursed his mouth, trying to remember the exact memory.

“Wait...are you talking about the time we went to that karaoke bar in Shoreditch with Anna and that lot and I sang that Heart song?” 

“Maybe..”

“Are you telling me that my show stopping rendition of Barracuda made you figure that out? Wow...it must have been really sexy then..”

“Oh fuck off!” You said, splashing his thigh. 

“Hey! Watch the trousers! This is Dior! I’ve got to give it back next week!” He feigned horror at the mark growing on his leg. 

The two of you sat silently for a few minutes, content with the immense agreement you had made. George lazily rubbed his thumb on the back of your hand as you leaned back against the embrace of the curved tub.

“Piglet?”

“Yes,” you murmured. 

“When did it happen? It couldn’t have been that long ago...do you think it was after Daisy’s housewarming when we were too pissed to make it to the bedroom and we fucked on the kitchen floor?” 

You didn’t respond, chuckling quietly instead. 

“Or...was it the other night. You know. When the new Attenborough series about Antarctica got a bit tedious..” 

“Geebs, it doesn’t really matter. It’s happening regardless.”

“Yes. Quite right. It probably would be pretty disturbing to learn that you were conceived to the soundtrack of a squawking flock of Emperor penguins. Anyways..Regardless...We should probably think about moving soon. I’ve actually been thinking about looking in Barnes for a while now. I want to raise our children there. In a proper house. It’s a bit more expensive than when I was a kid..but I think we can manage...I’ll speak with mum...see what she can find out..

“Geebs?” 

“Yes, Pigs?” 

“We’ve just decided to have the bloody kid. I’m too tired to figure out where we’re going to put it right now.” 

“Oh. Of course.” He jumped up, reaching for a towel off the rack. “Let’s go to bed. I’m exhausted too.” 

You gently lifted yourself out of the water and stepped into the open towel, wrapping it around yourself - “Go get ready. I’ll be there in a bit.” 

He came back five minutes later, changed out of his suit and into his favourite pair of pyjama bottoms; printed with sock monkeys and so threadbare, they needed to go in the bin but you couldn’t break the news to him. You dragged a comb through your wet hair as he wrapped his arms around your shoulders. His bare chest was cool against your bath warmed skin. 

“Darling?”, he murmured, resting his chin on the crook of your neck. “Can I tell you something?”

“Sure.”

“I’d almost forgotten how great your tits look when you’re in the bath.”  His eyes met yours in the mirror. 

You rolled your eyes. “Well get ready then. They’re only going to get bigger these next nine months.”

His face lit up - “This pregnancy is going to be the best thing that ever happened to me.” 

You quickly turned and tapped him on the stomach with your brush, laughing. 

“You pervert.”

“Ow! That hurt!” 

And you wish that you’d known then, in all that doubt and worry, that in nine months and a few weeks time, you’d open your eyes in a sterile room full of blinding light to see George holding a squirming bundle of pale pink in his long arms. So small in his hands. The tears wouldn’t stop and you won’t be sure if it’s the pain of the feeling of your hips broken, body split in two or the waves of joy that kept washing over you again and again, the elation almost drowning your heart. He would lean down, a small cry emerging from the bundle. “Look, Pigs. Look at her. I’m sorry they gave her to me first..hold her.” And the words wouldn’t be able to form as you moved your mouth into a yes. The bundle on your chest while George, his eyes tearful as he delicately placed his thumb on your daughter’s rosebud lips. She would blink, her eyes the same sea blue as her father’s as he brushed her cheek. And he would look to you, a vastness of love you’d never seen. “She’s so perfect...you’re perfect. You’re so bloody perfect.” His kisses against your crying eyes. On your lips. And all the blood, the doctor’s commands, the panic, the nausea, the doubt. All that doubt and worry would be worth it all. 

[ficstogo]

Bless Thee

Pairing: Daryl Dixon x Reader

Word Count: 2512

Summaries: (S3) During dinner, an outburst leads to some hurtful things to be said and Daryl tries to comfort you in your distress.

Warnings: None

A/N: I didn’t know if I wanted to give this extra character a name or not but if I decide if I ever wanted to progress this particular one shot, I will. Hopefully it’s not too confusing with seeing so many pronouns.

The sun began to set as everyone entered the house. You helped set the dinner table happy to see a fresh meal that you could actually enjoy instead of eating either beans or corn out of a can. The last one to come in the house had an aura of irritation surrounding her. You worried about her. Your sister seemed to always be in a bad mood and everytime you tried talking to her about it always ends with her either blowing you off or yelling things you try to recover from.

You seated yourself at the head of the table, your sister to your right next to Andrea and Lori. Everyone felt weary as the turn of events of the passed few days worn all of you out. Sophia was found and yet taken, everyone was at odds as to what to do with the boy in the barn, the entire Greene family was trying to recover from the previous event. All you wished for was a small break, a win if anything instead of having a giant boulder of problems weighing everyone down.

“Y/n, would you please start the prayer?” Hershel asked as he was seated next to you on the left.

“Of course.” Heads bowed and hands together, you began the prayer. “Dear Lord, thank you for blessing us with a fine meal that these sweet women of the farm had made for us. Thank you for having shown us that good people are still out there in this cruel world and for having all of us still together-” A low chuckle came out from the table. Everyone slowly raised their heads to see who it came from and as you feared, it came from your sister. “Is there something funny?” you said with a stern look on your face. You knew what was coming and you had to get things under control.

“All of us together? Really? I can count that there are more than five people who should be here missing.” She said with an attitude you recognized all too well. It was something normal but lately she had a chip on her shoulder. She was more angry all the time, waiting to pick a fight.

“You know well enough what I mean. Do not do this now.”

“What? Make you look bad? Make you look stupid? You would hate that wouldn’t you?” She said with eyes squinting at you. “I bet you were overjoyed when she died.” The last bit came out quieter, like a deadly predator.

“Stop. We will talk about this later.” You said in a stern voice once more.

“No I don’t want later I want now! I want everyone to see how fake you are. Pretending to be some sort of saint. That you weren’t in the wrong for leaving mom like that. For them to eat! And everytime we talk about her you always gotta make her to be the bad guy.” You looked down at your plate with guilt in your eyes. You felt your face heat up and took a deep breath.

“You don’t know her the way I did. I sheltered you from her and maybe that’s my fault for doing that. She was a drunk and remember that the only reason you ever gotten a decent life was because of me.” You took a peek back at her and then look down at your dinner.

“Oh my god! When are you going to stop hanging that over my head?!” She said exasperated. She had heard you made this speech several times whenever the both of you argued beginning when she was a teenager. She got what you were saying, so why do you constantly bring it up?

“When you start to understand that all we got is each other and that you need to start respecting me. And not because of that but because I am trying.”

“And like I don’t deserve some respect! All my life you’ve treated me like a baby.”

“I had to become a mother at the age of 12 because your real mom didn’t want nothing to do with being one! The only reason you remember her in such a positive way was because I hid the real her from you as long as I can! And I know you’re grown but I can’t help look at you more than my baby!” You tried hard to contain your composure as you felt that you were about to cry., You swallowed the lump in your throat. You needed her to understand but each time, she just refused to let what you say sink in. “Until you show me that you’re more than that then I will start treating you like the woman you can be but right now, your attitude and your actions show that you are still a child.”

“Oh, and what do you want? An award?” Your sister said sarcastically.  “And me! Being a child?! You treating me like a baby is the entire reason she died! If you treated me like the adult that I am, I could’ve fought them off and gotten her back!”

“If I had lettin you go you would’ve been just as dead as her or worse and then what would I have to live for!?” The sentence came out firm, declaring the reason why you did what you did back when everything went into frenzy. When the world finally cracked and everyone went into hysteria.

“Well sometimes I wish you were the one they got instead of her! Then you wouldn’t be living for much anymore now would you?!” your sister shouted across the dinner table.  Everything went silent. You whipped your head to her with wide eyes. You swallowed the lump in your throat again and kept yourself composed. As soon as she realized what came out of her mouth she instantly felt regret and went to say her apologies only for you to stand up with small bit of silence to follow. “I’m sorry everyone for disrupting dinner.” You then look towards her, trying hard to not let any tears spill, to keep yourself looking strong. “And I’m sorry that God decided for her to go and not me but understand that all that I do, I do for you.”  and then you left as your sisters eyes followed you out with a horrified stunned look on her face.

“I gotta-” your sister said as she rose herself from her seat.

“Naw, let me. She’ll need some space.” Daryl said as he headed towards the door. Andrea wrapped an arm around your sister as she told her things would be alright and to give you some time. That these kind of things happened. Everything was now uneasy in the house as no one knew how to go on with the night. As they all thought to who they lost. Although they knew it was out of anger, they knew your sister was right. There were people that should still be here but they also knew that they wouldn’t have gone if God didn’t intend for them to go.

You headed into the RV and took a seat at the table. You tried to hold off the tears for a little longer but you couldn’t do it anymore. Keeping up the facade of being strong only made you breakdown each time and the worst part was breaking down by yourself. It only made you feel more alone as you made sure for your sister to see you put together and not like this. If she saw you like this, she might’ve taken joy, or worse, she would lose the hope that things would be alright. If she saw that you didn’t believe it then all hope would really be lost. You couldn’t do that. Some days you felt as if things would be alright but most of the time you felt that there was no end and if there was, it wasn’t an ending anyone would want.

As Daryl walked towards the RV, he could hear you quietly sobbing. He stood there for a minute, not really knowing what to do. Feelings were not his forte but he couldn’t help but want to stop the pain. They’ve all been through enough and he knew there was more mud and blood to get through but if he could help with this kind of pain, hell, he’ll do it. Slowly he came inside the RV, waiting by the entrance. He’ll do what he can. You had your head against the glass, looking out towards the unforsaken world with the idea that maybe there really isn’t much hope left.

“Ya alright?” His voice startled you. You sniffed and looked towards the window trying to discreetly wipe away your tears.

“Uh, yeah I’m fine. Just needed some space to think and all.” You said as you turned and gave a weak smile.

“You know she don’t mean that though, right?” you looked down at your hands on your lap and gave yourself a thought.

“Yeah…Still hurts though.” Daryl came a little closer standing by the seat across from you. “I know it’s wrong of me to tell her things about our mom to change how she views her. In my head I thought it was a good idea after she got taken. Tell her and maybe she wouldn’t cry every night about her. I shoulda known it wouldn’t since I’d catch myself crying about her too.”

“I know what ya mean. Merle, he’s a total asshole to me and everyone he knew. Treated me like shit but he’s still my brother ya know? I try to either think that he’s alright somewhere and other times I just think of how much of an asshole he is… Blood is blood. They’re always gonna be apart of ya.” You then look at Daryl. For someone so quiet, you should of known that he has a lot to say. You just didn’t know they’d be wise.

“She thinks I hated her and I did at times but like you said, blood is blood and no matter what, she’s still my mom and I love her…I only want her to understand instead of getting so angry all the time. I know I gotta treat like an adult but it’s so hard to admit it. She’s always gonna be my baby girl…” you looked down at your fidgeting fingers feeling more tears slide down your cheeks. “Maybe it was wrong of me to not show her who her real mom is but I couldn’t let her grow up the way I did…” a choked sob came out of you. “I use to make her sleep either in my bed or go over to one of her better off friends for the night whenever mama brought over a man. I wouldn’t sleep the whole night…” your shoulders shook as you lowered your head even more. Crying at the memories. Daryl felt for you. You both grew up with a shitty childhood and he could understand your reasoning for sheltering your sister from it. If he had a youngling himself, he’d do the same.

“Hey…” Daryl reached over having his hand on top of yours. “You’re a good woman and you’re sister’s lucky to have ya. Hell, I wish I had someone like you growin’ up. Tryna make my life easy while she’s doin’ the heavy liftin’…” You looked up at him, his blue eyes full of emotion and truth. It was strange of him to be meddling in someone’s family affairs since he was busy with his own but what he witnessed at the dinner table, he realized that these people are his family and he couldn’t stand by the sidelines without doing something about it. “You n yer sister, you got some things to work through. You gotta drop this lil act of yours and show her yer hurtin’ too. Show her she ain’t alone with those emotions. That’s probably why she thinks yer so okay with your mom gone.” You closed your eyes letting more tears fall and then nodded in agreement.

Your hand gripped onto Daryl’s giving it a squeeze. This side of him you’ve never saw but it was a side of him that somehow managed to pull you back together. “Thank you. For this…for a second I was starting to lose myself.” You closed your eyes and took a deep breath. Then both of your heads whipped to the entrance of the RV.

Your sister stood with a look of uneasiness, Andrea behind her with a worried one. You stood up from your seat and moved towards her. Her eyes swelled as she couldn’t hold in the floodgates. She lunged towards, you arms wrapped around you tight, head digging into your shoulder. You wrapped your arms around her as well crying into her. “I’m so sorry…Everything I said, I’m sorry…” You two continued crying into each others arms not noticing that Daryl and Andrea had left, leaving you two to sort your differences alone.

Time had passed and the two of you entered the still quiet house arms around each others waist. Glenn was the first to see you two. “H-hey…How’re you guys?” A smirk rose to your face as you answered Glenns question. “We’re fine. Just finally figured some things out. I’m sorry everyone for that.” You said apologetically. During all the ruckus you didn’t realize that you left everyone in discomfort.

“Don’t be. We’re just glad to see you two alright again. Just reminded me of thanksgiving with the in-laws.” Rick said with care in his eyes. Both you and your sister chuckled at this only thankful that all of them understood.

“Right, well how about we all get back to dinner.” Moving to your seats, everyone pushed in their chairs and ready themselves to dig in. “Hershell, do you mind if we try that prayer again?” You asked.

“By all means, please.” Everyone grabbed ahold of each others hands once more that night. With everyone’s heads bowed and eyes closed you looked up to see a pair of blue eyes staring at you. You gave him a nod as a thank you for what he done, him doing the same with you not noticing the small smile crossing his face, and then the both of you went to bowing your heads.

“Dear Lord, thank you for the wonderful yet cold meal provided to us tonight.” Everyone lightly laughed at this now feeling the atmosphere shifting to calmness. “Thank you for blessing us with good people watching over us everyday. Bless those that we have lost and those that we sit with tonight. Thank you for bringing us all together creating a family during these troublesome times and bless us on our journey as we do not plan to stop on living. Amen.”

Everyone dug in. Jokes were cracked, laughter played like a cherished song. Stories were told and by the end of the night everyone felt content and at home.

#my fic #one shot #imagine #fanfic #fan fiction #daryl dixon #norman reedus #the walking dead #twd #daryl dixon imagine #daryl dixon one shot #daryl dixon x reader #twd imagine #twd one shot #twd x reader #the walking dead imagine #the walking dead one shot #the walking dead x reader #tv #amc #twd fanfic #twd fan fiction #the walking dead fanfic #the walking dead fan fiction #daryl dixon fanfic #daryl dixon fan fiction

[ceruleanchillin]

I Missed You/I’ll Miss You

Arthur Morgan x F!Reader

Warnings: “light” smut, slight spoilers of chapter 2

A03

There was true irony in the fact that you’d dramatically flitted about the camp comparing it to a prison prior to getting a horse, but you’d spent the last three days in camp doing less than you had before. It didn’t take the best of learned men to figure out what your problem was. However, only the women had the gall to call you on it.

Arthur had been gone for three weeks, and while bounty hunting was rarely a quick job, you were still worried. You were sure everyone was worried in their own way, but the the simple fact that it was their way of life, softened the edge of said worry. You understood that yourself, it was your way of life too. However, you had something new and fragile with Arthur, so it wasn’t quite the same as it was before. You hadn’t expected that either. The bounties had been particularly nasty, and thus worth a decent penny, the only way Arthur would consider taking them. He was a capable man, that you knew, but you were a well traveled woman. You’d seen enough to learn, even for yourself, that no one was a god.

Miss Grimshaw tried to busy you with chores, “What’s a wandering mind ever been good for besides trouble? That boy’s too stubborn to die. Now, clean laundry is a different story and I got a wagon fulla potential”.

Karen had suggested going into town to play the ‘Chaos Game’, something you and she had invented on a whim to drive the men in camp crazy when they had to “save” you. It was especially fun when it was John and Arthur. Start a major saloon fight here, plant an idea in a girl’s head about her fella to start a screaming match there, sloppily pick pocket and pin it on someone else, steal a horse, etc.

Of course, how much fun could that be when the best part of the game, for you, was being ‘punished’, and you didn’t think it appropriate to ask John to fill Arthur’s shoes.

Abigail told you it was downhill from there. Now that you and Arthur had fallen into something resembling being together, you should expect the aches of disappointment more often. “They fuck you so good you think the next time might be different, but nope. That’s about the highlight of their use.” And no, she wasn’t “bitter” she’d quickly informed you at your side glance of her.

Mary-Beth had tried to get you to see it as something romantic and adventurous. “Just imagine when he rides up like a knight, and sweeps you off your feet.” she sighed, a wistful smile playing on her lips. “Then you’ll be able to make some more of that pretty soap with the flowers in it that you make. We’re running low.” Ah, thanks for caring.

The men had been the ones to pussyfoot around the topic. They just wanted to entertain you in the moment, never mentioning or hinting at what was wrong. John suggested you take him spearfishing, “For your benefit of course.”.

Dutch sat audience while you sang a duet with Uncle, and was kind enough not to comment when you kept falling out conversation with the two men. Uncle wasn’t.

Tilly was the one to really snap you out of it though. You two were playing poker for candy with Karen, and where you normally walked away with a store’s stock full, that game wouldn’t make the books as one of your best.

“If you ask me, Arthur wouldn’t even recognize this mopey piece of furniture. I mean what happened to the girl who jumped off the top of a cliff into a lake for fun?” Karen reclined in her chair in time to her unapologetically sharp statement.

Tilly snorted. “Poor Arthur, may as well have climbed into a coffin his damn self as close to death as you took him that day.”

“You two could make sitting on the pot a headline. I’ve just been taking things easy for the past few days. I’m still me.” you knew what she meant, but she’d essentially called you boring. For you, that was worse than the ugliest of vulgar insults that could be hurled at you.

“Girl you better stop lying like an old rug,” Tilly crossed her legs in a matter-of-fact way. “You miss your man, and that’s ok, but you can’t get down everytime things look dark for him. You’ll kill your spirit and not even realize it!”

You heard, rather than saw, her kick Karen under the table for attempting to peek at her cards.

“And I swear if you kill that crazy spirit of yours, and make laundry some horseshit chore again, I’ll murder you myself.”

“Hey!” Karen nearly lowered her cards out of indignation, recoiling at the last second. “I make laundry fun too. I make all the chores more fun.”

“You make us have to do them all over again the same day. The second time being set to Grimshaw’s fussing.”

“Fun!” Karen rocked the table with her boisterous laughter.

Tilly’s response was lost to you, because you were starting to focus more on what she’d said before. You didn’t think it had been that serious. You were fine with him accepting the job, just when it started to approach a month since having last seen or heard from him, it hit you in a way you hadn’t been expecting. You’d been fine when you two were just friends who flirted a little too much.

It was far past that now. Arthur was the first time you weren’t flirting and fucking for fun. The new territory excited you, and you’d went in head first, but this wasn’t a part you’d been informed of.

That being said, you had to admit Tilly’s statement struck you because there was some truth to it. It was a matter of when, not if, Arthur would get into another harrowing situation. You couldn’t lay around in bed, or half ass your way through the day, every time that happened. It wasn’t you, and replaying the last three days to yourself turned your stomach.

“Well Tilly, you went and broke her.” Karen snapped her fingers in your direction.

“Opposite actually.” you shook your head with a grin. “I fold.”

“Look at that hand!” Karen gestured to the cards you’d placed down. “You definitely broke her. Oh well, can’t be helped. Whaddya got?”

“Fold.” Tilly rolled her eyes.

Karen hooped loudly as she pulled all of the candy that made up the pot to her side of the table. “Thank you kindly ladies, I do so hope we do this again soon.”

“Yes ma’am, I intend to get my title back. Enjoy it for now.”

“So that means you’re back?” Tilly swatted at Karen’s teasing pokes and jeers of ‘loser!’.

“I told you I never left. Now I’m going to make a kite, who’s in?”

Both women exchanged looks of pure puzzlement, before turning those looks to you. Unlike most people you were comfortable with being looked at funny. It occured to you, that no one had looked at you that way in days without there being an air of sympathy behind it.

“How adventurous.” Karen replied sarcastically. “I think I’ll retire for the evening and enjoy my winnings instead.”

She not-so-quietly made her way back to her tent with an armful of sweets. Stopping every so often to inform a camp member she had beaten you at Poker.

“Don’t worry, when she’s drunk I’ll steal it all back.”

“It’s Karen, so by morning then?” you grinned while Tilly snickered into her palm.

“She’s right though. A kite? For you that’s pretty tame...unless you’re planning on jumping off the cliff here with it.” her widened eyes indicated she wasn’t joking about thinking you capable of that. “Tell me you’re not planning on jumpin off the cliff with it.”

“Of course not,” You said, though the thought was a fascinating one. “It’s only tame because you haven’t seen where I’m getting the material.”

----------

In a testament to your revelation the previous night, you were up before the camp even began to stir. You’d been up for most of the night with Tilly working on a complicated kite. You’d learned how in a caravan comprised mainly of Chinese men and women, and regaled Tilly with tales of their beautiful culture. The longer the conversation went on, the more the tense anxiety that’d filled your being lessened it’s grip. You were still worried, incredibly so in fact, but you weren’t going to let it take you out of character another minute.

You scribbled a quick note for Miss Grimshaw, knowing she’d be among the first to wake soon, and set out a little ways from camp. Finding a spot where the forest danced along the edges of plains, you tried recalling everything you’d been taught about catching the wind.

Such a seemingly simple activity could demand so much of your attention, that you might miss the sound of a horse’s light trot behind you. You might miss the softening gaze of a rugged cowboy once he spots you. You might even miss him dismounting and hitching his horse in favor of sitting back against the base of a tree to watch you.

“Beginning to think I’m never gonna come back to find you doing something normal. Like baking a cake...or cleaning a rifle. Anything else I suppose.”

You froze, your grip tightening on the fishing line you were using for a kite line. You turned carefully, mindful to not bring your hard work crashing to the ground. Arthur gave you a lopsided grin, and though you couldn’t see his eyes beneath his hat, you were sure his smile reached them. He didn’t look worse for wear that you could see, but you couldn’t be sure until he undressed. Just to look him over of course….

“Then you’re beginning to realize who you hitched your wagon to.” you finally found your voice, though it cracked under the pressure of euphoria. “Arthur Morgan I would both hug and slap you, if my magnum opus wasn’t at risk.”

He laughed, from deep in his chest. “My hats in the ring for first one.”

A quiet moment blossomed between the two of you as you readjusted to being in each other’s presence. It was beautiful to you, and better than any fantasy scene a novel could propose. You wondered if it was putting him at ease to be back around you the way it was for you.

“It wasn’t my intention to worry you my lady, things got crazy out there. Did my best to get back at a reasonable time.”

“Well I figured that, I wasn’t that worried.” you fingered the fishing line gently. You were suddenly embarrassed to tell him you’d moped, and defaulted to lying.

“You’re lucky you’re so damn beautiful, even when you lie.” he chuckled. His smugness let you know the camp had already told him everything.

“Ok, I missed you and I was worried. If you make fun, I’m leaving you on your own horse. She likes me better anyways.”

“Fair enough I think. I’d have to keep the winnings from the bet though.”

You knew immediately what he was talking about. You, unintentionally, provided many opportunities for the gang to make quick money off of your antics. You didn’t mind the audience, it amused you.

“What’s the bet this time?”

“Whether you can fly that thing or not.” he nodded up at the kite, that while lower than when he first got there, was still still sailing through the air. “I reckon some of them are gonna have to learn about betting against you the hard way. Like I did.”

You grinned, and ducked you head at the slight compliment. Arthur had a way of empowering you that you were sure he wasn’t even aware of most times. He swore he wasn’t a romantic, and to some degree he wasn’t, but in his own way he was better. Genuine.

“Well, you won. How are you gonna prove it?”

The sound of rustling caused you to turn halfway to face him again. He slid his camera out of his satchel and patted its top.

“I’ll be ok giving up the winnings to you if I can keep the picture.”

That was how Arthur Mogan obtained a photo of his sweetheart after he’d redenered her a bashful mess. Every other photo of you he had, drawn or otherwise, you were confident and radiant. This one felt different, and perhaps why it would go on to become his favorite.

“Now,” he carefully packed the camera back in his satchel. “You gonna keep putting that before your own feller? For shame Miss (L/N).”

“Jealous of a child’s plaything? That’s a new low Mister Morgan.”

Arthur made a noise of mock surprise. “Child’s plaything? Well what are you doing with it then? The things you’re capable of certainly are not childlike.”

Hard work be damned, you turned on your heel, yanking the kite down after you. In a swift, and for you, unsurprisingly graceful movement, you’d tackled the man to the ground. You laughed at his hearty grunt, eyes following the bouncing movement of his now dislodged hat. The kite came crashing down near you, but neither of you were too focused on it.

“Someone should shut you up Arthur Morgan.”

He shifted to allow you to fall into a more comfortable position on top of him. “If anyone’s gonna try I’d rather it be you.”

Up close, hat gone, you could see evidence of his journey. You gently ran the pad of your thumb over the bruise under his right eye. He closed his eyes, cheeks reddening under your loving gaze. Unspoken words traveled through touch instead. Your soft examination admitting you were worried, his gentle lean into you a form of apology.

You pressed your forehead to his own, and let your lips collide. Soft hands slid up his neck, over his stubble, and into his light locks. You shivered when you felt the combination of warmth and rough texture, that was his hands, grip your waist under your shirt. You felt him standing at attention, straining against the fabric of his pants. You gripped his shoulders to fight the urge to grind down on him.

He broke the kiss, and your lungs greedily took the opportunity for air. His lips roamed your neck with no particular destination in mind, simply trying to soak up the feel of your skin. Distracted by his mouth, you jumped feeling his hands travel beneath your skirt to grip your thighs. A dizzy laugh left you when he roughly lifted you up to remove your panties.

A mewl escaped you when his thumb carded through your folds. The tiny pricks of pain his stubble caused, juxtaposed against the soft touches to your heat, made you see in tunnel vision. You needed him.

“Ar-..Arthur…” you voice was a husky, broken whisper that indicated you were having trouble gathering your words.

Arthur understood. “Drawn out?”

He broke the kiss breathing harshly against your cheek. Your hips jumped after a particularly swift swipe over you.

“No,” you shook your head. “Been such a good girl since you’ve been gone. I won’t last long.”

His deep chuckle against your collarbone drew another moan from you because of the sound alone. “I have not been that well behaved, I must admit.” his lips split into a sheepish smile. “But it’s about the same for me too.”

His dirty admission drew a laugh from you. You began covering his face in kisses while you released him from the confines of his pants. “It’s fine.”

His hands captured your hips and carefully lined you up. You inhaled sharply once he was inside, overloaded by too many feelings. Arthur’s hands trembled, and you imagined it was the same for him too. He waited patiently, painfully, for a sign from you to move.

You rolled your hips once, and he went from there. The two of you worked out a rhythm and fell into it rather quickly. Your hands found purchase at the base of neck and held on tightly. Every night you two had been apart, the frustration of not knowing if he’d come back, the sheer loneliness neither of you could fix without the other. It all came out in the shared act.

You’d both been correct when you admitted you wouldn’t last long. You lost it first, having been more tightly wound, and you weren’t quiet about it. Your raw moans spurred Arthur on, and he drove you through the blinding heat coursing through your being. You cradled his head and whispered loving words of encouragement to push him to his own release. He dropped his forehead to your shoulder and bit down, as a fierce shudder ripped through his form. You rubbed his back and guided him through it.

A final kiss was shared between you two, one that spoke of a love growing between you two. It said there was plenty of space for it to fill, and that was something you both wanted. He cupped your face, about to speak, when something caught his eye.

“Did you use one of Dutch’s silk shirts for your kite?”

---------------

The two of you walked rather than rode back to camp, and it was filled with effortless conversation and teasing. You came so close to blurting out that you loved him, but bit it down every time. You’d never had anyone in your life to say that to, and weren’t sure if it was too soon. You weren’t too sure about Arthur, but it terrified you to think about sending the words out there only to have them hang alone.

“We should go to the lake.” you commented as the camp came into view.

“To bathe.” you emphasized when you saw his wolfish grin.

“I’ll meet you there, Miss Grimshaw wanted to see me. Sounded pretty important, but I wanted to see you first.”

“Flattery may change your luck.” you winked at him and headed for your tent to grab your bathing kit.

Arthur never met you at the lake, and you went forward with bathing, figuring he’d fallen asleep. Possibly one of the cold souls you now called family had roped him into an errand. Either way, he was making it up to you later.

The first thing you heard when you got back to camp was the distinct sound of an annoyed Miss Grimshaw, and a firm toned Dutch, coming from the direction of Arthur’s tent.

“Let the boy make his own decisions Miss Grimshaw.”

“Boy is exactly right!” Grimshaw’s hands shot up as if to ask ‘why her’. “Only a  boy could make such a foolish decision. You don’t line up for a second helping of disrespect with a side of humiliation Arthur. It ain’t right….she ain’t-”

The others in the camp pretended to be busy, but kept a decent distance away. You frowned and sped up your pace.

“A man has to learn on his own,” Dutch shook his head in Grimshaw’s direction. “You can’t make this choice for him. Accept that.”

Arthur, meanwhile, hadn’t said anything. He simply continued his task which, as you got closer, you discovered to be packing.

“What’s going on?” you walked past Dutch and Grimshaw, straight for Arthur himself.

You felt the heat of numerous gazes on your back, but you stayed focused on the only one you needed to see at that moment. Arthur hands slowed, enough to see the tremble, but not enough to stop his task.

“Where are you going?” you asked, your tone carrying more edge than you wished had escaped.

“I gotta go into Valentine on some business. I’ll be back in a day or so.” he still hadn’t met your gaze which started to upset you.

“Tell her where you’re going Arthur. The girl deserves that much. She’s so sweet on you she nearly rotted thinking something bad had happened to you.” Miss Grimshaw crossed her arms, eyes locked on Arthur’s tense form.

“Grimshaw!” Dutch barked taking her by the arm to lead her away. “Leave.It.Alone.”

Whatever she said in protest was lost to you. Everything else may as well have fallen off the face of the earth for all you cared at the moment. Every perceptive instinct you’d honed in your nomadic life was screaming so many possibilities at you, that you almost shook Arthur to demand an answer simply to make them stop.

Instead, you reached for his hand and grasped it. “What’s wrong? You know you can tell me.”

Arthur pulled away from your touch, still refusing to meet your gaze. “I believe I did tell you, business.”

“I’ve robbed coaches with you, setup hold ups, spied for information. What kind of business can’t you say all of a sudden?”

“The kind I don’t have time to get into right now. I’ll explain when I get back.” he placed a few small supplies into his satchel, carefully fitting his journal in after them.

“So you were just gonna...just gonna leave and not tell me? What the hell is that Arthur Morgan?” you snapped, stubbornly blocking him from going for his clothes chest by sitting on it.

“I wouldn’t have done that to you.” he lifted you from the chest with ease, ignoring your cry of indignation.

He got a few articles of clothing while you cycled through what to say. You had so many questions and he was moving so quickly. By the time you figured out what you wanted to say, he was already moving towards his horse.

“I’ll go with you,” you jogged to keep up with his pace.

You expected him to snap at you, with how tightly he was wound up, but you didn’t care. You weren’t afraid of him, he couldn’t brush aside your concerns so easily.

He stopped in his tracks and turned to you. “(Y/N). I’ll be back, I promise. I’ll tell you everything then, just let me handle this on my own.”

One hand cupped your neck, while the other gently grasped your cheek. You leaned into his touch and nodded. You would trust him, and pray he didn’t give you a reason not to.

#RDR 2 #Arthur Morgan x Reader #RDR 2 x Reader #red dead redemption 2 #Arthur Morgan #reader insert

[explosionsstimsandtech]

Octavio Is Live: And Drunk ||Octane On Loss||

||Welcome, Octavio Silva, you are now streaming. Say hello!||

The cheery words had Octane seething as he fixed his camera, dropping back into his super plush beanbag chair, grinning up at the camera and giving his signature rock sign.

“What’s uuup. Another drunken stream! Whoo!” he threw his hands up, yelping as some beer got on him with the motion, whining as he wiped it off.

Prior to the stream, he had three shots of tequila, this being his sort of way of tracking his thoughts. He could do holo logs or a diary, but he liked to be transparent, even if it hurt like a bitch.

He knew his experiences helped people, so why not give them this chance to see him with all his guards down, mask and goggles at his neck, looking like he just touched down from his recent solo win.

And he looked like hell.

“So! First question is the hot topic for this stream, choose wisely, amigos!” he grinned, because that was all he knew to do, to hide and protect himself.

The computer registered the first line of text with a little question mark beside it, and his heart sank instantly as he bit his lip, taking a long swig of his beer then sighed.

“Way to hit home, amigo, I’m sorry.” he sounded pained as he shifted, smile wavering.

“Miroctaneluver101 says; Hey, good game. I’m sorry, I hope this doesn’t get the top, but I’m honestly kinda feeling down in the dumps. I just lost my grandfather and I’m honestly feeling like life isn’t worth it. He was everything, the one thing to hold me up, to make me proud. The only person in my family to understand me. Have you dealt with loss, and if so, what do you do to cope?” his voice was shattering as he read the message, cursing as he rubbed at his face, ridding himself of the tears as he stood, walking off camera with a tiny sound of pain.

He kicked something, watched it burst across the stream and into the other side, off screen, to clatter against the wall. He returned with a tall glass of scotch this time, dropping into his seat with a sigh. He could see a billion messages of support to the person and worried comments to him, to which he took a swig and licked his lips.

“Where to get started, huh? First of all, please don’t kill yourself. You have so much to live for! Your life has just begun!” he set the drink down, leaning forward into his ‘Serious Papi Octavio’ mode, twin coloured eyes hard as they looked right into the camera.

“You are amazing as you are. I am sure your abuelo would be so proud of you.” he felt the tears and blinked them away, firm and sharp in his resolve. “If anyone says otherwise, tries to tell you to change, that you’re not worth it, fuck ‘em! They aren’t worth your time, your breath, your attention nor your life. Get rid of them, right away.” he flopped back, fetching his drink on the way down, with a huff, sinking into the plush embrace.

“As for loss? Not talking games here for a lightening effect, but... My great grandfather, Fuego Silva.... The only Silva I cared for... He was... Everything to me.” he looked to his glass, turning it over as he swallowed hard.

“Growing up... Well, you’ve seen what I could show you, the first camera, the first vlog? Was because of Fuego.” he smiled now, taking a swig of the amber liquid. “He loved it. Loved getting to see me as much as he could, even when he was away... He used to fight, god, it feels like an eternity now.” he laughed as he remembered back to the past.

“I told him I wanted to be a star, and he gave me this rinky dinky little thing, shit focus, terrible memory and even worse pixelage. Like we are talking using a potato for a camera would be better!” he chuckled, grinning into the glass. “But Fuego always loved it, would send it to him on the fringes of space in his vessel, so he’d have something to wake up to, something to pump him up.” he ran a hand through his hair as he laid back, splayed out for his fans to see.

“Mr and Mrs Silva were always... They weren’t great. It’s why I was taken into the Diablo Del Alma’s so early on in life. I remember the day I broke the camera. I was doing a dumb stunt, jumping off a roof, something small. I landed on it, and it broke rather than my arm. Fuego was grateful I wasn’t hurt, but my heart was broken. That was my camera, and a gift from him.” he felt the tears itch at his eyes, so he just closed them, lifting his head to take a long swig before returning to his slumped position.

“I remember the whole crew pitched in to get me a top of the line model, fit with different lens options and even slow motion at the flick of your eyes. It even had a high quality stabiliser built in that could be turned off. They almost didn’t make it, but Fuego pitched in the last hundred and said ‘to my rising star’, even engraved it on a panel on it himself.” he jolted, snapping up and scrambling around, finding the camera and returned, holding the piece up to show his fans, the intricate designs around the words written in both English and Spanish.

He then dropped into the chair with his camera in hand, tracing the words.

“He was there from day one... Even when he was out fighting... Everytime he came home, we livestreamed, made videos, we did everything together. He was practically my padre.” he smiled and sighed, hugging the camera as he laid back. “He would always say, ‘Octavio Silva. Siempre debes recordar esta frase. Nunca te rindas y nunca te rindas.‘ Always remember this phrase, never give up and never give in.” he closed his eyes again, living in the memories, even as they brought tears to his eyes.

“He used to tell me if I dreamed it I could do it. Pushed me beyond my limits. Even gave me my first tattoo!” he flapped his arm, a bright grin on his face. “I was so scared, but he said the words as he started, and it’s been my mantra. It’s why I never give up, no matter how helpless it is.” he sat up suddenly, looking to the camera in his lap.

“Fuego... He.... He got sick. Like real sick. The last few years, he was in the hospital. I would stream, you guys know this, with him still. He pushed for me to break the record. I knew his time was short, so... I improvised.” he laughed, something hollow this time. “I’m told he died with a proud smile on his face.” the tears were falling now, the pain lancing through him, but he shook his head firmly, wiping them away.

“My last talk, I told him of the Apex Games, of how I longed to be in them, of how it was my dream to have a banner of me! I told him there was no way I’d be able to, and he turned me to him. He told me those words again. I laughed and said ‘maybe after I break this record’. I woke with no legs, and no Fuego. I thought my life was ruined.” he slumped down, then slapped his leg with a huff, running fingers over the intricate metal.

“Ajay Che, she and I go way back. Beautiful woman, but not my type. Too.... Well, you all know I’m a trans gay guy, so... Yeah.” he smiled shyly and idly brushed the engravings. “She heard about everything, asking my Diablo Del Alma Padre what happened recently. When she found me, I was in a wheelchair craddling the helmet he wore, staring at a gravestone in the rain.” his throat threatened to close and he swallowed, taking a shaky breath.

“I still say I guilted her. I just started talking and talking, about the dreams, about my promise to Fuego that nothing would stop me, and now here I was, completely in lockdown.” he wiped his face again with a growl of frustration.

“But the second I got those legs, I was off, even if I fell over at first. I wasn’t going to give up. I had been harassing the nurses with zooming around in the wheelchair.” he laughed at the memory, remembering the laughter in their voices. “So, do I know loss? Yeah, I do. I experience it every time I go into the ring and watch my friends die. I know they are safe, some wicked tech they have in the background, allowing us a second chance... As long as we have something for them to fix.” he laughed and shrugged.

“As for coping? Reach out. You have a whole community here who will hear you out. Go out, and do something for yourself. Write, draw, paint, sing, dance, run, swim, anything, the world is your playground, so play. Hell, I know someone who was tricked into eating a whole cake in one sitting by a personality in their head. They were vomiting for hours, but they chose to live if only to ensure he never got cake again.” he laughed and shook his head.

“It’s hard. Trust me, the first few months are the worst. Then it’s the first couple anniversaries. I take a drink for Fuego on the day he moved up to better things. His favourite. Doing something like that to honour them is never bad. Take pride in your joys, and do them. I know a writer, the same one about the cake thing actually. He suffers from... A lot. Suicide is almost always on his mind, constantly itching at him, making him want to just say ‘fuck it’ and be done. But he finds a keyboard or a pen and paper, and writes instead. It’s messy and all over the place, but he is proud, because he’s survived the wave.” he shifted to look at the camera, tears clear, now done with hiding it.

“And that’s what it is, its waves. And sometimes you need everyone to hold you up over it all, and it’s terrifying to do that. Fuck, I don’t even do it. I usually drink and drown in all the things I shouldn’t do, stand on cliffs, half kicking my landing gear off before I even know what I’m doing. And it fucking sucks because all I want is a fucking hug, to be craddled close, to have my hair smoothed and to be told it’ll be alright.” he tugged at his hair before sighing, smoothing it back.

“But I’m scared to trust, because trust means people can stab you in the back, trust means investing yourself in someone, which means their life is my world. I don’t think I could survive another Fuego.” he took a shaky breath and smiled, something so worn out and tired as he pulled up a holoscreen, swiping through things.

“Believe me. It does get better. Not by much, but it becomes bearable. You find ways to live each day in honour of those we’ve lost, who can’t witness the day. dont beat yourself into the ground and ruin yourself like I have in the past. Remember, you are worth it. And if no one else is gonna say it, then listen to me right now.” he looked to the camera, eyes alight with a fire as he stood up, leaning close so they could see him in the whole monitor.

“I am proud of you. You are amazing and perfect as you are. Non terre plus ultra, and never give up, never give in. You have got this!” he fist pumped the air before sticking his tongue out and giving his signature hand sign.

Then, he dropped back into his seat.

“Go check out the song I’m about to share to the stream. It’s a big pick me up that I use. That and Ska, but that’s a little out there for this moment.” he laughed as he threw up the songs. “It’ll play in a sec. After it, we are doing never have I ever!” he grinned and threw back a swig of the amber liquid, bouncing up to get more booze.

||Octavio Silva Has Shared A Song.... Playing now....|| ||The Stream Will Return Shortly....||

#the mun #he writes #Octavio's Now Streaming - Stream Logs #Octavio Headcannons #Octane Headcannons

[kiirokitten]

25.01 - Part 2

So basically 5 mins after the last post everything turned around. If you're not updated, I'm on class trip with E and we were partying and getting wasted with some of my class and some other hotel guests.

I was crying near the elevators. I couldn't go to my room because my friend, SS had my keycard and was upstairs caring for D who puked because he's a damn lightweight. SS sent her sister, SXS, who was in our room, too, to pick me up because you need a keycard to use the elevators. She finds me crying on the floor. And she goes to find E. When he saw me sitting on the floor he just sits down in front of me and shushes SXS away to talk to me.

What was I supposed to say? I'm crying like someone killed my dog because you were flirting with some 20 year french student? Because you are the person that never fails to make me happy no matter how bad my depression are? I'm crying because I was scared to loose the sun of my life to another girl, who is also a fucking student only 2 years older than me?

But that wasn't really the only reason for me crying. It was the trigger. All my problems came pouring down on me. Broken home, Sadistic Mother, Depression, Anxiety... Everything. E always lets me forget about it. Makes me think my life is worth living. That girl was like a punch in the gut.

What did I tell him in the end?

After a good few mins of silent shrugging, I started laughing. Because it was so ridiculous. The part of my life that let's me forget I have problems, wanting to know my problems. "I've been waiting for the urge to kill myself to leave." Was all I got out before my head ended in my lap and pathetic high pitched sobs started escaping me. And his hand ended on my knee.

I was really drunk so I can't get it together in the right order any more. But I got hugged by a girl from my class and got a slightly bullshit talk from her which E suggested forget for the most parts. Sometime later the major fuckboy came over and petted my head while talking sweet little things to me. Both times E was still sitting in front of me, unsuspiciously petting my knee of course. I yearn for touch. I've always been deprieved of it. I instantly leant into the head petting. So when I started crying more again E not only was softly caressing my knee but my head, which I have in my lap while crying because I'm trying to become a ball. That made me cry even worse because it felt so amazing. When the other two students touched me it didnt feel like that even though some of it was the same. His touch calmed me so much and I've never felt more comfortable with anyone touching me. I have Anxiety disorder. I hate when people touch me. I like touching people but being touched makes me wince everytime. His touch didn't. I would write it to the alcohol but I've briefly felt him touch me one time I was sober and it felt the same.

We had to leave the area because of hotel rules but we ended up in another area. He asked me what I wanted. I told him I don't wanna go back to my room, I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna be alone. And he stayed. And we talked for an hour. From 5am to 6-something am.

Sometime during that talk he put his arm around my shoulders to draw circles on my shoulder with his fingers. I had already calmed down. I was fine and he still did it. And I enjoyed it so endlessly. I didn't know I was able to just give into touch like that. I was never able to before. I usually get really tense.

There were more little details but that's just stuff between me and him.

Little side note, I was crying so hard there was snot everywhere and he still kept close the whole time.

When we went upstairs to the rooms at around 6:30am, he told me to just get him if I needed him, but to try and get sleep.

~ellie

#teacher x student #tc update #tcc update #tcc blog #tc community #tcc #teacher crush #teacher #teacher crush community

[unravelling-the-world]

I was trying my best, and another friend who always took pictures of us (we took pics of him as well dw) documented all of those moments, i even used a not-permanent spray color hair for that day just so the pictures could be special. I didn't particularly like myself, I never did ,but I was too busy to think about it. When i went out, i felt decent at least. Binder, thick under-eye red/black liner, just the perfect e-boy look i wanted. I felt that, as a pre-hrt person, I was looking as masc as I could while doing the style that makes me comfortable and I want to achieve. I was doing my best everytime we went out to look presentable in the pictures, and I did well 9/10 times. At some point, there was a light festival as well. I went with one friends and my cousin and we had fun. My friend and I took pictures, my cousin didn't want hers taken but we still interacted a lot and had fun, I loved the pics of that day. I never got to post them, because my downfall came soon after. At that point in time, I was finally living the dream. I posted frequently on ig (bc i went out frequently) and even though i wasn't anyone big, no partnerships or anything, not even 1k followers, I was growing, and having been intoxicated by fame at age 12, it was just what I needed. My posts started getting 70 likes on average and 7-10 comments, i only had 500 followers but they were growing at an average of 20 followers/month. A lil tween reached out to me and told me he thought I was really cool and was my fan. Bro, that was awesome. Things were moving forward, and altough i felt afraid of the future, I was working on it all. I was making progress in other aspects as well,having come out formally recently and with help from my psychologist, we were going to start looking into hrt, and i just couldn't believe it. I only have read fast and short info. I never really wanted to inform myself more because deep within me I was just afraid I'd never be able to get it and get my hopes up for nothing. We appointed a session to talk about that. This was march, and at my house, we watched a Japanese channel (because we are all interested in Japanese culture and such) So I knew the coronavirus was coming. They started talking about it since the start, in december, obviously, because they are way closer to where the virus started so it spread faster there. I remember it was on a cruise first. I knew it would eventually arrive here, so through all summer i told my mother "it's only a matter of time." I knew it'd come. March was here, and the last time i went out with my friends came along. Inside my head, I felt like I knew that was the last time. I had thoughts about "I wonder if i'll ever get to see a sight like this again". I managed to take some pictures, because,inside me, I knew that was the last time. I wanted to preserve the memory of it. I didn't want to forget. At the time, with a friend, who took the same metro line as me but lives further away, since it was just us two, when saying goodbye we'd always say "see you in five minutes" (like in endgame, because i told her the whole movie and told her when they said that and then black widow died) and she LAUGHED so hard and it became an ongoing joke between us (we are both kinda suicidal ngl but we just laugh abt it.) We said it that day as well, but we actually never saw each other again lmao

At that point, in the country, there were about 4 covid cases. Only 1 in the capital, so it had started, but was only just the start. When I got home, i kind of knew that was the last. My classes started, and for two weeks, it was hell on earth. Online,obviously. I got paired up with the guy I hated the most in the entire generation (I only knew half of them, and liked even fewer, but this guy. fuck. i would have killed him. he was awful.) Anyways. Yeah. But at the end, classes got postponed until further notice. So I was now a Neet! For a while, even though coronavirus was getting worse and worse here as everywhere, I was doing good. I was living the introvert dream, and since I have a decent/good relationship with my parents and grandma, life was just great. All around me I saw everyone struggle with quarantine. I was having a blast. Playing sims, watching anime, anything went. Shit was great. Got Gta V for free when epic released it, and had a blast. Got obsessed with obey me for a while. It was all fun.... Met via discord with my friends. Almost daily with certain friends, once in a while with others, but the whole group would be together at least once. It was good, for me. I felt good. I would ocassionally wake up and tell my mother that I was happy, and hug her. I don't think i'd ever done that. I was at peak, and I knew it. Drew a lot, played a lot. Did a lot of things and projects. Everything felt ok...My dysphoria wasn't great during these times (since now i stay in pajamas all day except when I use camara to meet with friends, and obviously I dont wear my binder with my pajamas) But i had so much free time, that I could just ignore it. (I'm good at avoiding things. at running away.)

Classes started June 1st. First day, I had a breakdown. I don't remember why, but I couldn't connect to class. I felt overwhelmed. I don't know and don't like asking for help because i feel useless when I do. So I didn't. Apparently I seemed more upset than I thought, because my dad noticed. When comforted or confronted, I always cry. I can't talk about my feelings without crying. I feel weak for expressing them. Even writing this, i feel the knot in my neck. My dad saw and ended up helping and comforting. I cried a lot. I went to class, but spent the whole 3 hours of class crying. Things were unstable for a while, but I was keeping afloat, I guess. I started feeling like shit, I wasn't happy daily anymore. Online learning felt so distant and so difficult and so different. I don't like change. At least not without expecting it beforehand. So yeah, that ended up taking a toll on my mental health. The downfall started. I was quite busy, but still tried to meet with friends via discord whenever we could. We had some online birthdays, and season 3 of osomatsu san had already been announced. I was looking forward to it so much. I was in pain, but that thought was keeping me going. I started getting worse, mentally. I started isolating myself ocasionally. I have quite long gaps from this period. I can't really recall much of what happened or what it was like. At some point around August-September I was watching 6teen, because my uni decided that starting a semester and compressing it into a trimester was a good idea, and finals were in september, i think. At the time of finals, i was watching 6teen. I didn't wanna finish it, so I started total drama after. I had a week of vacation in September as well, and I think I was OK for the week.

I won't lie. I don't remember october. I only know Osomatsu-san started here bc I waited for it all year long. I regained closer contact with a friend who lives in japan. Halloween also had an online meeting. I cosplayed, and felt good with myself for the night, for the first time in months. But I ended up having a breakdown later that night. A friend who didn't come and had said he'd come ended up arriving very late (2-3AM ish, meeting was at 10PM) He was very drunk. I don't mind. He says he just came to say sorry he didn't come bc he ended up meeting with irls. We tell him it's ok. He disconnects. He reconnects not long after, but we are confused, since that's not his voice. It was his friend who took his phone, a classic party prank. Doesn't matter, it was fun for a bit. This guy is also mad drunk, so talking to him is weird and funny. But shit gets bad for me in a bit. I was using a voice changer, as I usually do online, because Im ashamed of my high pitched voice. But this guy misgenders me, more than once, and also my friend who lives in japan. He doesn't seem to care, and I act like I don't, but it hurts so bad. My other friend who was there at that time corrects him, more than once. I felt thankful to her. I never thanked her afterwards because I didn't know how to bring out that topic without crying. This guy is very drunk though, and altough i doubt he had vile intentions because of the way he phrased it, he insists, that those are womans voices. They talk about it a bit, verbal comebacks. I wanted them to stop. At some point, my friend who lives in Japan leaves bc its lunch time for him. I felt like shit. I just told this other guy "I'm 10" and he dropped the subject, he believed me and the explanation. My friend laughed her ass out, because she thought I said it as a joke. Truth is, that was just a desperate answer to get him to drop the topic. I dont really care if he believed I was 10 or not though. I just wanted it to stop. He jokes with my friend for a bit more. I didn't talk much after, because I felt ashamed. I didn't want to talk ever again. Even now, even with the voice changer, I don't have the confidence I had when I started using it. I have lowered the pitch twice, just in case. My friend left the call a bit later. When she left, I left as well. I was thankful to her though. I don't remember if i cried or not, but it caused me a massive breakdown for about two weeks. I didn't talk online with anyone until my birthday, I think. I didn't tell anyone but my psychologist this.

I don't remember November much either. I know it's my birthday, and I know I came back to tumblr in november. Yall know when. Canon destiel and shit. Tumblr hadn't felt so alive in years. It felt like home. I remember I was having a bad breakdown during that time. I think it was career related. I can't really remember much. The shitshow happening on tumblr Destiel Election actually helped me get better. I remember this only because of a conversation I had with a friend. I started working on christmas decorations as well. December came along, I worked hard on christmas decorations. I played a bit as well, because on some of my classes I just didn't have anything to do lol. Decorations were finished two weeks in advance for christmas. For the first time ever! I was happy. During these times,Nov-Dec lockdowns started easing up a bit. I still can't go out at all though, because I live with my grandmother, so we're supposed to minimize risks. My parents only go out for shopping essentials that can't be bought online. So it's fair and I understand it, but it started becoming hard on mental health. Not because I can't go out, but because my friends start going out. They know I can't go, they don't exclude me, but they know I can't and I also know I can't. I guess in a form, its jealousy. It becomes hard because there's no one to blame. It's no one's fault. I'm not excluded on purpose, but the truth is, I don't want to hear them talk about what they do when they have fun. I've always been insecure. Even when all evidence points otherwise, I still believe, deep inside,they hate me. They wish I weren't in the group and would be better off without me. It gets hard sometimes.

Even though in general December was quite good, it also came with a major breakdown. One of my best friend's bday is in December. Up until then, Me, her, and another friend had been playing league of legends nearly daily. It was toxic sometimes (the game/community, not my friends) but we had fun. I just liked playing together. But that would come to an end as well. My friend celebrated her birthday, and did invite me, but obviously I couldn't go,and she knew this beforehand, so she didn't get mad or anything. She handled the situation very well, wrote on the gc once, and then did a special gc for birthday attendants to talk about details there and such, and reminded friends who asked in the gc to talk in the birthday gc. (this is how i knew, but i think it was well done tbh, i wish they'd just asked in the bday gc instead so i wouldn't have seen it and felt bad about how i couldn't go) My friend also offered to have me as an online guest, like, being in videocall in the computer on the table. like Karen from spongebob ig. the idea was cool, but honestly i felt bad. She celebrates her bday with her gf bc their dates are near, and I just didn't really want to inconvenience them? I mean, her gf is cool and she used to hang out with our group ocassionaly and she was cool and fit in, and it never felt awkward talking to her irl or anything but it's not like she's my friend and honestly I didn't wanna inconvenience her party, and even though I'm sure my friend wouldn't have minded, I didn't want to be an extra inconvenience for her too. I just wanted her to have fun, honestly. But feeling like a burden ended up weighing on my mind. This caused a bad bad breakdown, beforehand I had started to become better,little by little, but these two weeks waiting for that event to happen felt like a nightmare to me. I didn't tell anyone. I think i wrote it about here once. Around this time, an account on instagram called "matsunoadvice" got reccomended to me, and Oh boy Have I gone to them for advice. Of course, I sent them a message at the time, desperate for someone to talk to, because I couldn't tell anyone about this, because all my other friends know each other kinda and i didn't wanna inconvenience everyone. I didn't want anyone to know i felt like shit. I felt thankful to my friend, because she did try her best to include me, I just didn't really wanna inconvenience anyone. I guess I'd rather suffer alone myself than being a pain in the ass for someone else. After all, I've accepted that I'm alone long ago, and since now there's nothing I can do to maintain my social relationships now,I may as well just accept that theyre ending now. I kind of isolated myself for those two weeks, sometimes i would still connect on discord, but it always felt kind of distant. I stopped playing league of legends around this time.

I still hadn't confirmed to my friend if i was virtually going or not. Truth is, i kind of knew I probably wouldn't want to go in the end, bc im Like That™ But i told her in advance that i'd let her know the date of the event early in the day because of how unstable I am and I wouldn't actually be sure until the day (which was true when I told her) So the day of the event i told her that I was thankful but I wouldn't be assisting virtually and told her to have a great day! She replied okay in a nice way as she always did. I don't think she seemed weirded out by my answer. I hope she didn't feel bad, because she's very empathetic so I hope she didn't think about me at all that day. I hope she never reads this, and even if she does, she didn't really do anything wrong and handed the situation the best she could, the pain was unevitable for me due to the situation. beforehand i had also had a similar breakdown though, because 3 friends who i was/am? still very close to started meeting each other to skate together. I don't know how to skate/have never skated and obviously can't go either way, and sometimes they'd talk about it in the vc. I remained calm always until the call ended,but I did cry about it late at night. It's selfish, of course, but when no one saw anyone, it was easier. we were all the same. But now it felt like they were all moving on without me. In a way, it's what I always wanted, but I always wished to die first. I know it's not sane, but i'd imagined situations like that in my head, where I die and then everyone moved on and it made me feel calmer. But seeing that unfold before my eyes, when i'm still breathing here, i'm still here. It felt lonely. I'm glad they're having fun. I'm just upset I can't do it as well? And it makes me feel like inevitably my relationships with them will break and fall apart and dissapear and they're all still gonna be a interwined network, even though I did everything I could to maintain it because it's all I've ever had outside of my direct family? I didn't make any friends at uni or have a different group of friends so it just...hurt? It still hurts, i'm just more used to it. Also after the bday i did try to connect in vc but it just made me worse, like a friend said like "noo it got too wild honestly u didnt miss anything" and i was like lmao ok but i felt like kinda sad anyways but if i was there i wouldve probably slept through it anyways

...after i felt awful bc i have another friend who is just kinda blunt and kinda dumb when it comes to how others feel, and he was like ohh yeah but after the bday [friend] took us and some of [friends gf's friends] to our houses and since it was early we went to a mcdonalds and it was so fun !! and it was just so uncomfortable bc obviously im glad you have fun but like i dont wanna know??? bc it hurts a fuckin lot???? and my other friend who was also in vc (he was the one w the car) he was like "haha yeaaa it was fun" but he seemed quite uncomfortable talking abt it he could probably tell i didnt wanna hear and ik my other friend only did it bc he's naive not bc he had bad intentions but yeah it sucked i was like haha thats great heh.....like what ya want me to say babe

Christmas arrived and it ended up helping me a lot. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I decorated a month in advance, baked cookies for the first time (with my mom) and we just did a lot of things this year. It made me happy and kept me occupied through the pain (I know i described a lot of pain here but I only paid attention to it at night, which is why it still hurts now probably bc i've had it all repressed) And of course the gifts, honestly I didn't know what to expect because this year I didn't really know what to ask for and just asked for a surprise (because i love receiving things! anything) And my dad definetely outdid himself with all the gifts, I loved them and they're all useful too! I was amazed and i told my friends abt it and it ended up in me talking more in the vc again, and i also started playing genshin impact in late december as well. We also held a secrer santa in the group but not everyone participated (mostly bc of money) but the 4 of us that did was fun! i knew everyone's secret santa bc 2/4 asked to me for help and they were mutual </3 so i knew me and my other friend were mutual too lol but it was cool. I kinda was a bitch a bit though bc he delievered my gift to my home and was going to come a random day and I just wasn't prepared bc I was afraid of seeing him honestly I didn't want to see him and I hoped he wouldn't come? He didn't come that day but he did come some days after, I truly wasn't ready at that point anyway and my mom said we could let him inside if he sanitized, but he came with his mother and didn't get out of the car, we just exchanged the gifts, and honestly I was glad, i was polite and just said hi to both and thanks and all! Obviously i love him a lot bc we're close but idk why i didnt want him to come into my house i just feel like im so boring now and I dont know what we couldve talked abt and honestly ive always been shy but now i just forgot how to socialize and i was terrified so when he didnt get out i was just glad.....well, also

I feel like all of these incidents separated me and my friend who had her birthday on december. Now she wouldn't join the vc or gc often (or say she couldn't, which she usually did before) so I just assumed she hated me, but i didn't really have the guts to ask? She still liked my memes on the gc sometimes but not as she used to, she always used to like every single meme (or nearly all) and she never talked over me (I always get talked over except when I'm drunk bc i become a bit less shy therefore more violent) and would even call others out for me when talked over and always respected everything i told her abt me (Through the years, i've told her some of my deepest shits bc i just trust her like that i dont mind if she knows) but it just felt distant? Also a bit before that, at the start of december we started streaming on twitch, and that week i was very bad I told her i wouldn't play much bc i wasnt doing well but I was up for streaming bc i rly wanted to be professional abt it even if we dont pursue it as a career, but in the end we didnt stream, and fell out of streaming a bit after that. I was kind of afraid to ask her if she wanted to stream again, but we'd talked once and she said she'd finally gotten the cat earphones for the streams (she mentioned she wanted them beforehand) yeah anyways i dont think she actually hates hates me but idk the idea still lingers in my mind

uh yeah also i felt like shit for a bit bc i thought she definetely hated me bc we hadnt talked in a bit and she didnt like my memes anymore so i just assumed the worst, i even listened to break up music (which is what i do when a friendship ends bc altough ive never rly had strong romantic feelings for anyone that kind of song helps me move on after friend breakups too bc no one warns you abt how painful these are) and i cried obviously, but again i never mentioned it to anyone (i made a few vague textposts here though) and just got my shit together even if it hurt? lol, well a bit of time passes and everything seems to go back to normal, i dont remember how she told us but she said she had a job now which is why she didnt connect much and slept earlier and i felt relief lol bc i legit thought she hated me and i felt like shit abt it lol i mean the idea they kinda hate me lingers in my mind all the time but at that point in life i was like. SURE she hated me until that point. now we ocasionally play genshin together but i cant really talk at that time and that also makes me upset bc i do wake up late and im trying to fix my schedule a bit by waking up at 2pm instead of 5 pm but it doesnt even matter bc i play board games with my grandma daily (bc its good for her and its fun i do enjoy it) i just wish we could do it earlier bc lately she gets up at like 9pm and i end up finishing playing at 11/12/1 and its just kinda late to meet w my friends bc i always have smth to do/finish after and i just cant make it in time even if i wake up earlier? lol but i cant change her schedule so theres nothing i can do but cry about it

oh also ik matsunoadvice gave me advice on this but like there's this friend who i love obviously but sometimes he just talks abt his meetings w other friends and like it only makes me angry as fuck and i cant ask him to not bc im too shy but i wish he could stop. and also when he complains abt skate related stuff it makes me unexplainably angry but like i have no reason or right to im just angry bc i cant do that and probably never will bc i doubt ill ever be able to go out again ?? lol. and he even offered like "when we go out again u should come and ill lend u my skate and if u like it u can get one" and honestly its all super nice and i appreciate it and ive thanked him and told him yes but it just makes me feel angry inside bc i dont see an ending with all the mutations and shit and my voice cracks when i tell him haha yeah if we ever meet again bc honestly my youth is already over and i just spent it like a social recluse and i read a post here when i was younger that said like lgbt people spend their teens closeted and ashamed and live their teens in their twenties but now im gonna miss my twenties to the pandemic and then ill be too fucking old and itll be too fucking late and ill have to die and i just never lived bc i still havent even transitioned yet and i doubt ill ever be able to (this also causes me a lot of pain but i will ignore it) and the other day he said like i hope i can see u this year bc i miss u and i just said that honestly ive lost all hope of ever seeing anyone again and my voice cracked and my other friend said something related but not so related and im just glad he talked in bc i didnt rly care i just wanted to change the topic bc i know ill never see them again and eventually probably lose contact and see them all have fun together without me just as if i was dead but just didnt pass away and its difficult but i have to accept it and it hurts a lot now but in 7 years itll be fine, just like i accepted im unlovable and will never have a s/o and when i was 12 that hurt a lot but now it doesnt so someday i will be alone but i hope it doesnt hurt anymore.

this is all a mess and the format is everywhere and theres no timeline i hope no one reads it. if u do read it im sorry. i just honestly been carrying all of this for a while now and i want it out of my system honestly bc i dont know what to do with it and i was on the verge of a breakdown for a minimal thing hours ago i just want all this info out of my brain.....also obv these are only the bad things that have happened/good things that took me out of the hole but a lot of good things happened too lol and i skipped a lot of imp points like i changed careers and shit and also i met a lot of cool mutuals since i got back to tumblr and ososan been carrying my mental health every monday but yeah i just wanted the negatives out of the system. the frustrations and the anger. i hope no one reads this fr its so messy

#hinatalks #long post