#thoughts to cry about i guess

[thatsocialmoth]

I will never stop this

Every season I have to make a post about how indescribable D20 related grief is.

There is such a wildness to it where I feel my heart like sinking as I process it all. And like you find these beautiful stories about cycles, about loss and love and the things we do for secrets and for the things we love and the things we want. The sacrifices we're willing to make. The way war and death and grief takes people apart piece by piece and never rebuilds them. The way we are changed when we're left behind in a world without someone we thought we'd have forever. The feeling of finally having something to want, something that's yours, that's solid and something that's beginning only to have it ripped out from beneath you. The people we turn into when there is nothing to do but to run. The way fear and trauma and torment can make a person do things they wouldn't otherwise, how they influence decisions and desires and how freedom becomes a blessed commodity. The way we find that people need each other but sometimes they just can't. The way ambition blinds and ruins. The way the people who are gone leave ripples in their wake, something new as they die, something blooming from their decaying.

Like there's this deep story about the cyclical nature of the world and the way it's all so unforgiving. A narrative about how life finds a way, among the struggles of a girl who should be dead growing up too quick in a war and learning to want instead of just need. A plot about a man who loses everything trying to find something to prove that there is a purpose to his torment, that he can be saved.

And it's beautiful

And then you have to explain to your friends that you're crying because the radish grandpa and the chili pepper satanist died.

Like how the fuck am I meant to explain the profound grief of a mango? Or the way that ambition has absolutely crushed a pastrami sandwich who, even more than greatness, seemed to want love. The way greasy provolone cheese tells a story of regret and atoning for one's mistakes.

#Colin provolone I think deserves the world actually #Everyone in this show needs a fucking hug #I never though garbage disposal cult would be a phrase I'd have to use but i guess this is my life now #Like i thought that I was only meant to cry about chilis when i ate them #this seems excessive #I have never felt so deeply attached to a pastrami sandwich #I dont even like mangoes or pastrami or chili but I am currently a mess so #d20 spoilers #the ravening war spoilers #trw spoilers #d20 trw

[tskumoyuuma]

it is kinda funny tho that so many people missed the very blatant message of the movie about how easy it is for people to turn on each other when they dont have all the answers .... and they missed this because they wer too angry about not having all the answers

#leave the world behind #its especially funny because i thought it was actually way too obvious about that point #like its a very simple kind of message. and critics mention that too in their reviews #but i guess if the vast majority of audiences r giving it 1 star reviews crying about not understanding it #then ykno maybe it wasnt obvious enough jgdjjjj #ok enough its actually bedtime now loll #200

[carebeardean]

the strongest hero of all time in bnha has a chronic illness & chronic pain. btw. also he has so so much love in his heart.

#bnha #this post is about ALL MIGHT because I LOVE HIM do NOT DERAIL !! 😤👆‼️❌💥 #mha #my hero academia #all might #toshinori yagi #boku no hero academia #idk what if there was a guy who destroyed his body saving people’s lives & thought he had no purpose anymore. #& then he realized his purpose was loving people. like. ok. guess I’ll cry.

[dazais-guardian-angel]

this torture we're going through with the anime must be divine karma for slandering Bones all this time...... they said "oh, you don't like how we adapt things? you say the manga does it better?? okay then, well now there is no more manga. it's Bones or bust, bitches."

#bungou stray dogs #they really said now either you get the story from us or you don't get it at all 😭😭😭😭💀 #screaming crying throwing up shaking HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CARRY ON FOR THE NEXT WEEK LIKE EVERYTHING IS NORMAL #NOT KNOWING WHAT THE FUCK 'TWILIGHT FAREWELL' MEANS #NOT EVEN A FULL WEEK BUT FIVE DAYS CAUSE THE PV ALONE WILL END ME #seriously though how can i be okay with getting canon content for the first time in the ANIME #they already do terribly with content that ALREADY EXISTS #HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL GETTING /NEW CONTENT/ THROUGH /BONES/ #i guess looking at it another way though...... i should be glad if they deliver me some fucking hope a few weeks early #like obviously i'd rather none of this have happened and have gotten to this point in the last episode in the manga first #but since it did turn out this way....... if good things happen i'll take it i can't complain at this point just GIVE ME HOPE #mexican standoff with bones now that there's (basically) no manga content left like 'so it is down to you and it is down to me' #bones at the end of the fucking bsd world: 'never thought i'd be fighting side by side with a bsd anime hater' #me: 'how about side by side with a friend?' #bones: 'aye i can do that'

[minticecodes]

I'm slowly getting through devil may cry v and got inspired enough to doodle again. Sure they aren't polished but I love looking at others' sketch dumps, it's like looking at a smorgasbord of ideas. So here you go. Read more for close ups of the other doodles. The ID in alt are the same as written in the text.

[I.D. Digital art. A boy in a shirt hoodie, Nero, sits cross legged as he leans backwards to smile up at his companion. Said companion is a tall horned knight, Nelo Angelo, kneeling behind Nero. Nelo gazes to the side, but braces his broadsword by Nero, and his cape drapes around where Nero's sitting. Nero is rendered in light blue and red, Nelo is rendered in light blue, and they're brightly illuminated. End I.D.]

(Was thinking of 'Love Seeketh Not Itself to Please' by Indigomoods on ao3 while doing this one).

[I.D. A number of digital art sketches, most prominently featuring Dante and Vergil from the Devil May Cry series. From top to bottom, right to left:

Headshots of two boys, Dante and Vergil. Short comic of a man (Dante) ruffling a boy's (Vergil's) hair. Sketch of two boys on a couch, one (Dante) looking concerned at the other (Vergil) in foetal position. Branches curl under the couch. Sketch of child Dante and Vergil in red and blue, running hand in hand. Thumbprint sized chibi child Dante and Vergil. Nero and Nelo sitting together.

Semirealistic headshot (DMCV Vergil) in blue. Boy (Dante) curled in a fire, and fire demon (SDT Dante) gazing at his palm against a black background. Loose sketches of a man's head, roughly scribbled out except one, and an angry cat with a sword. They're labelled in blue and red writing. Side profile of a young man in blues (DMC3 Vergil), face shadowed, a yellow ribbon curled in the background. Side profile of DMC3 Vergil. End I.D.]

[I.D. 4 black and white digital pen cartoony sketches of child Dante and Vergil. Head and bust shot of a boy with slicked back hair and black turtleneck (Vergil) looking right. His brows are furrowed, eyes narrowed; he looks unimpressed. Below is a head and bust shot of a boy with shoulder length hair and white shirt (Dante) looking left with wide eyes and a fang toothed, wide grin. Centre close up of a cloaked boy (Vergil) glaring up, brow furrowed. His hair hangs over a shadowed face. One narrowed eye is visible. Right sketch is of a cloaked boy (Vergil) hugging a book to his chest, referencing a Visions of V panel. His one visible eye is wide as he gazes down with a small expression. End I.D.]

[I.D. Coloured digital art over a black background. Two panels. Panel one is child Dante, arms hugging his legs as he sits within a fire raging around him. He's buried his face in his arms. Panel two is an adult Dante in his demonic SDT form. He gazes down at his clawed hand while the fiery core in his chest glows as the main source of light, casting shadows and red light against his armoured form. The tips of his claws seem to glow in the reflected light. End I.D.]

[I.D. Messy sketch of child Vergil and Dante, running hand in hand. The two look at each other with smiles, Dante with a wide grin and Vergil with closed lips and determined brows. Their full expressions aside from the smile cannot be seen; Dante's hair whips back and covers his face while Vergil's face is eyeless. They're softly rendered in light blue and red, and bright lighting. End I.D.]

[I.D. Messy sketch of child Vergil and Dante sitting on a couch, shot from behind the couch. Dante directs a concerned gaze to Vergil, his hand braced on the couch back as he leans closer. Vergil only looks down. His arms are curled around his knees. From the angle, his expression cannot be seen aside from a small frown. Under the couch slithers Qliphoth tree roots. End I.D.]

[I.D. Chibi doodle of child Vergil and Dante, holding hands. Light blue and red ovals were airbrushed on the page, and a pen lined out their features. They have round cheek patches, like budgies. Vergil has a cartoony pout and a book tucked under an arm, labelled with a V; Dante has a toothy grin and is making a bunny ears hand sign. End I.D.]

[I.D. 'DANTE' is evenly block printed in blue pen. Underneath are what looks to be the start of three portraits of Dante in black pen, but they're roughly scribbled out. The most detailed of the three scribbled out portraits is Dante's grinning side profile. He had sunglasses on. The only intact portrait is a shot of Dante from behind, from the chest up and face not visible aside from a grin. Carried on his back is the Devil Sword Dante, rendered in more detail than Dante.

Meanwhile 'VERGIL' is written in orange/red pen, but strikethroughed. Written above instead is 'PURR-GIL!!', an arrow pointing at a doodle of a cat holding a roughly drawn katana(Yamato). The cat is grimacing with furrowed brows. It has spiky fur on its head, a spiky curled tail, a thorn pattern on its arms resembling Vergil's coat sleeves, and fat round blushy cheeks. End I.D.]

[I.D. Semirealistic rendering of DMCV Vergil from the neck up in three quarter view. He's painted in blues, with soft red shadows. He glares at the viewer, brows furrowed. His irises are a soft red, and he has eye bags. His lips are somewhat glossy. To the side is the blue color palette. End I.D.]

[I.D. Stylised depiction of DMC3 Vergil glaring downwards in profile, from the chest up. He's rendered in blues, his face shadowed from the light against his back. Running over his skin are cracked gold lines, reminiscent of kintsugi. In the background curls a yellow ribbon in the same gold. He's wearing a sleeveless turtleneck and cravat. End I.D.]

[I.D. Stylised black and white lineart of DMC3 Vergil glaring in profile, lips sneering, from the neck up. He's in a coat and cravat. End I.D.]

[I.D. Messy comic.

Panel 1: DMCV Dante ruffling child Vergil's hair. Dante's face is out of the panel

Vergil (grimacing): "Dante!"

Panel 2: Vergil's staved off the hair ruffling, lifting up Dante's hand with both his hands. His brows are furrowed as he looks up at Dante. In the background is a laughing sound effect, that tapers off. 'HA HA ha...'

Panel 3: Adult Dante gazing down at child Vergil, arm hovering over him. His expression seems sad, despite the small smile.

Dante: ... I missed ya, Verge.

Vergil gazes up at Dante, a small question mark by his head. End I.D.]

#just a wall of rambly thoughts from a longwinded person here on out as a warning #devil may cry #dmc #dmc5 #visions of v #artists on tumblr #visions of v spoilers #dmc dante #dmc vergil #nelo angelo #not tagging nero because i think anyone looking for him here wouldnt be satisfied #“holds head in hands” i love drama so much #I especially love characters with tangled relationships to their emotions and their loved ones so. yeah #this is also around the third time i started a game because of a music recommendation #...i think any dmc fans looking at this can guess what song started the downward slide to getting the fifth game #fun fact #it was the sibling unit who went 'add a tree behind the couch' leading to the implications there #they also guessed like #all the reveals around vergil's identities just looking at these doodles and hearing a bit about the backstory #which was funny to me. Man isn't subtle at all #I gotta learn how to do that thing where u can see extra artist comments if u click on a photo in a set. It doesnt seem like alt text? #i had extra Thoughts around some of these but didn't want to clog with extra text. Though they'd be summarised as 'handholding as a motif' #and 'aside from the original metaphor wouldn't it be fun for Dante to literally piece Vergil together again' #and when you wonder if he's acting right you wonder how much you really knew him #how much of his care is what you baked in as wish fulfilment #why can't you keep him from falling apart #something something houseki no kuni style visual shattering #something something Vergil has to do the heavy lifting to glue himself together #and the twins both have to understand each other (i.e. communicate) better for the pieces to stick instead of like #detritus getting in the way of a clean meld

[wenamedthedogkylo]

So much of Bor'Dor's waffling back and forth about how far to go with the Hells, where to go with them, what their goals were... so much of it makes sense now.

Two eps ago, he'd gone and talked to Orym in the tree and said he was set on sticking with them and helping them out. Last ep, he said he wasn't sure he wanted to stay with them because he didn't want to die for them.

He had to try and stay close, even if that meant saying he'd help them with whatever their goal was. Even if that goal was killing Ludinus.

But he didn't want to die for these people who killed "his friends" in the Ruby Vanguard. Of course he didn't. He didn't want to die for people he was there to get revenge on.

He wanted to try and talk the guards of the temple away from the fight before it started, because maybe they didn't know (according to Bor'Dor's world view) just how much the gods weren't watching and didn't care. Because maybe they were smart enough not to try dying for a god that didn't care to try and protect them.

But he had absolutely no problem shooting a paladin/cleric of the Dawnfather in the back and then bleeding her out to summon a demon. Because she was devoted to one of the very gods that he felt had abandoned him and his mother. And he felt no remorse for ending someone who clearly had no compunctions about oppressing others in her god's name.

And... and Ashton's pipe couldn't lie. Even being a clearly very powerful mage, Bor'Dor didn't know what Ashton's pipe would do because Ashton hadn't told anyone what it did up to that point.

Bor'Dor's greatest, most heroic achievement in life was shooting that Fire Bolt at the practice dummy, and celebrating with everyone, and finally, finally, feeling a sense of belonging for the first time in his life. With the people who killed his friends and fellow Vanguard members. That must have fucking hurt.

I'm not going anywhere with this really, except that Utkarsh really played a character that, for me at least, has to be the single most tragic character on this show. And now that the adrenaline has worn off, my heart just hurts for him. It hurts that in the end, he didn't even try to fight back. He was done. He wanted peace. He wanted to see his family again. He was tired of fighting and watching people die and he was still just a scared young man who had watched people around him die in the name of the gods or in the name of killing the gods for his entire life, and he just... wanted to be done.

Enough.

#Critical Role #campaign 3 #cr spoilers #critical role spoilers #campaign 3 spoilers #critical role meta #critical role theory #c3 meta #c3 theory #Bree's stuff #about me #about Bree #welp now I'm crying a little there it is #thought this would happen earlier but better late than never I guess

[roomy-ghosted]

JUST started a good Durge playthrough and I'm dying over my absolute little guy bard Tinfoil.

#bg3 #bg3 tav #baldurs gate 3 #(Im a tag rambler so theres a lot here-) he's got voice six and because of that I'm opting he's incredibly INCREDIBLY young #like- probably 9? Dragonborn reach 10 year old human size at 3 for them so. yeah- #human-body wise he's about 17? but he's still got so little thoughts in his head. Which is canon as well at least #not gonna romance ANYONE as Tinfoil but we're gonna all be besties. #still deciding if he'll slurp tadpoles. he gives into peer preassure very easily and is very easily bossed around. #so it depends at the moment in the cutscene i guess. #he's the group kid. i think shadowheart would mother him a lot and he looks up to Karlach A SHITTON. 'She's so cool...' #'why is the group kid the leader?' #everyone shrugs but they see Tinfoil curl up around a small pile of gold and gems as he sleeps and they can't say no to what he wants to do #Lae'zel thinks he's 'extremely weak skinned. and needs all the help a pathetic youngling like him can get' #she says; helping said pathetic kid up off the nautaloid ship floor after he ran ahead to try and get to the controls; listening to her #like a good lil guy #'Tinfoil; darling; you know we can always get *more* gold if you give up some of these precious little rubies and opals. Your hoard #will look *much* more impressive that way.' #-Astarion; trying to convince a now-teary-eyed tinfoil to give up his hoard so the party can buy health potions #'its not...its not impressive?' he starts crying and Shadowheart has to comfort him #I KNOW he's gonna go murder mode and stuff. but everyone at camp thinks it's just dragonborn instincts kicking in #so they just like chain him to a tree for the night. #its funny i think #'NO! BAD TINFOIL! STOP TRYING TO EAT THE BIRDS!' #'Raughguguhguguh. Tinfoil *NEEDS* sauce...' #he is on a leash constantly because he is enamoured with the beauty of the world and runs off- but also to not kill and maim constantly.

[artekai]

HZD was such a magical experience. It was a game about the apocalypse, but it still left me feeling hopeful by the end, twisting the despair it made me feel over its past into something like appreciation for everything we still have. It was a game about life and death, about nature and both its vulnerability and its resilience, about how technology can be used for either good or bad, about how it could destroy us but also save us depending on how we use it. It was a game about GAIA and Elisabet's love for the world (and each other), it was about a lonely queer girl's personal quest to find her mother that turned into a quest to save her homeworld, it was the story of an outcast who became the chosen one she never wanted to be, who went from carrying the weight of negative expectations to the weight of positive ones on her shoulders, it was about showcasing both the best and the worst of humanity, while still reassuring us that the effort we put into this world is worth it, even against impossible odds, because this is a world worth fighting for, and there might always be bad but there will also always be good, and life on Earth is worth protecting.

It was so deeply beautiful and moving and at the end of the day it was just a game. I wish I could play it for the first time again

#this hope and sappiness is so uncharacteristic of me... i guess this game really does bring out things i didn't know i had in me huh. #of course i never thought hzd was perfect but.... it had such a strong emotional core that i really miss #yes i listened to sad machine and started crying about gaia again. how do you know? #because i only get this emotional about hzd when i listen to sad machine? ah yes of course. #i mean this is THE song that really sends me back and puts me in the mindset i was in when i was finishing the game for the first time.... #maybe i should just replay hzd and pretend i don't know anything about it. i could use the pick-me-up #but i don't WANNA replay it i just wanna relive that first experience :( i miss her i just want her back #i'm just gonna keep crying for now brb #ramble #hzd

[willowser]

WILLOWWWW i love love love your dad!bakugou stuff 😫 like omg i just can't get enough of it. also i'm not sure if you've ever done anything like this before so sorry if you have, but imagine bakugou taking his little girl to the zoo for the first time 🥺 and she's just so excited over all the animals!!

omg how cute 🥺 girl dad bakugou has a little home built right in my heart and in my head, i love it so much, i think about them constantly !! 🥺 but !! that's actually so interesting 🥺

because — i can't imagine that bakugou cares any specific way about going to the zoo; like sure, he guesses that he'll go ?? if that's what you wanna do ?? not something he would propose on his own but it's like !! 🥺 getting to witness his daughter in that environment, for the first time 🥺 not something he really thought about, but the pure joy on her face when she's seeing giraffes and elephants and all the animals that are in her little story, learn-to-read books 🥺 and the aquarium where she gets to see all the fish 🥺 and she's just so enamored by how close she can get to see them !! 🥺 how fun !! 🥺

or she wants a soft stuffed monkey that she carries with her everywhere, or some a little headband that looks like fox ears 🥺 gets a lion cookie 🥺 HOW CUTE like this isn't something he thought about doing, but he gets there and so quickly realizes, like, this is new to her ??? this is incredible and amazing and something she's never experienced in her little life, and how lucky he is to get to experience it with her THAT'S WHAT BEING A DAD IS WAAAHHHH 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🩷✨️

#cw children #this is so cute 🥺 #at first he's like ??? okay i guess isn’t she kind of young to care about the zoo ?? #but then yall get there and she's so excited and holding his hand and he just 🥺 quietly watches her the whole time 🥺 #HE THINKS HE'S A BUFFOON 🥺🥺 OFC IT'S ABOUT THE MAKING THE MEMORY WITH HER WAAAHHH #this actually warms my heart so much how sweet #and he's so annoying and shy but he's holding her and murmuring in her ear like 'and what sound does a lion make ?' #and then she does a RAWWRR and swipes her hand through the air like little claws and SHE JUST LOOKS SO CUTE AKFBRJAKAK #okay goodbye i need to cry face down on the floor for a sec #✿ ask willow #✿ thoughts: bakugou #✿ theme: dad bakugou

[i-miss-lotor]

So I romanced Astarion and let him ascend and I'm not going to lie, I always had a bit of a hate towards people who look down on me and call me or well, my characters, pet and such. And Astarion didn't change that, especially with the degradation part

But

Imagining the future where my character slowly becomes miserable with Astarion because while he does love her, he doesn't see her as his equal. And I mean even if you want to break up with him after the ascension and defeated brain he just doesn'tlet you (though im not there yet, i just read it somewhere). Imagining him slowly becoming furious, compelling my character to do things, to love him and then anger turns into desperation and hell, he just wants her, what can he do to make her love him again, what does she want, he will give it to her

Anyway I just want them to be happy, then miserable, then to slowly learn to love each other again with Astarion begrudgingly being a tiny bit nicer to others (cause my character mostly likes being nice but also she was an urchin, she's not above blackmail and deception and such. Ohh plus she's a bard, imagine Astarion wanting her to sing again but she doesn't so he makes her and it just breaks the trust again and again

And a scene where she escapes and then Astarion finds her and brings hell with him and kills whoever decided to help her and he's slowly breaking her spirit from the strong and defying woman she was, not realising at first that it's breaking him too.

(I especially like that little movement, swinging himself a bit when you ask if you can talk about your relationship with him and he responds "yes, my treasure?" *happy swingies, he's so happy and cute* and then cuts to him being angry and desperate and sad that his love doesn't look at him with adoration anymore, that the look he receives is not even angry but empty)

And the realization that oh no, did he became another Cazador? But no, he is better than him, he doesn't treat you like he was treated! ...does he?

#baldur's gate 3 #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 #astarion #idk what tav stands for so uh #also im just a sucker for... well i guess i can call this redemption? #sorry my thoughts just went haywire with the act 3 romance scene and i had to let it out #even if it is on tumblr #hhh i want to leave the bots are so annoying but im not going to twitter fuck that #ah wait i realised what words i was looking for! #its not redemption although i very much like that too #its me breaking him #i love when arrogant overpowered beings lose something and desper then finally realise they have to change #i want to make astarion cry like he did over cazador's corpse #it was heartbreaking and beautiful and it would be so delicious if it was over his lover #the first person he ever truly cared about - gone and empty because of Him

[rapidhighway]

every time I come back home I experience new mental illnesses -_-

#its not even bad rn it's been nice #there's just so much horrible stuff underneath it all though and i think i just can't handle it #i think im just grieving my entire life every time I come here #and I've been just having these thoughts i guess intrusive thoughts about everyone dying tragically for the laste few days and it's #NOT FUCKING HELPING #idk it's nice we're all nice and both is happening but there's always some new info dropped on me that they just. #expect me to process by myself and i just end up crying at night all the time cause like what am i supposed to do #yeah sorry for venting again i was getting a bit better at not doing tht but i neeed it rn ToT #k i think i just need to go to sleep and maybe ill forget everything tomorrow or something idk #vent #vent post

[i-will-always-love-the-jedi]

The light of the Jedi?

Come on Star Wars give her a break that woman is very tired

Bonus fans under the cut:

…

#i spend an ungodly amount of my life thinking about this poor lady #also i love her new look #also i love her #me accidentally rendering the scar nice and deciding I need to render EVERYTHING now #i started drawing this cuz I need to wait for the comic until I can continue my fic #guess which poor idiot thought it will come out tomorrow #me #now I made myself sad #my obsession with this traumatized space wizard is not very good #me and my mommy issues staring at Avar Kriss: well shit #Star wars I swear don’t kill her #i will cry very much #also shadows of starlight 2 preview? #God my angst loving heart #im ranting in the tags again #sorry #the high republic #star wars the high republic #avar kriss

[tinukis]

during 3d2y, luffy never slept alone. either he bundles up against the animals he befriended or they cuddle with him or just both

it feels lonely. it is lonely. but it was 10x better than to be without a sign of life. they helped keep him warm on the colder nights and winter seasons. they listened to his stories he had about his nakama. theyre reactions were always priceless

#luffy #monkey d luffy #sometimes i think about the fact that luffys only friends were animals #and that a village had looked after luffy bc dragon wasnt around #nd garp barely if at all was there for him #im sure dragon did want to raise his son but #being labeled the worst criminal made it impossible #and he was not risking an entire island to even personally say hi to his son #also luffy idolizing a pirate bc he was nice to him and shanks didnt have to be responsible for him or something #he was 27 he shouldve been at the club #about to start crying a little bc of how attached luffy became to shanks over the course of a year and #he repaid everything hes done by permanently changing shanks #but 'it's just an arm' #incoherent thoughts my bad it's just not a good night #tin talks #headcanon #i guess

[disdaidal]

I wanna thank my irl friends who follow me here and also my beloved mutuals as well as followers who still send me kind messages and try to interact with me and my stuff even if I'm bad at doing it myself.

Honestly, things haven't been that great with me lately, so... it means a lot to me. Honestly. <3

#personal #i had to make the tough decision to drop out of school last week #i didn't exactly want it if i'm being completely honest here #but certain stuff was preventing me from getting further so i knew the teachers are gonna ask me to quit over at our teams meeting #i instantly contacted my nurse about my situation. and she got me a doctor's appointment which was yesterday #where i kind of broke down a little. not because she didn't grant me the sick leave i thought i was going to get #after feeling down and sleeping terribly for weeks #but because she actually *got me*. like. she actually listened to me and figured out some stuff and told me that #what i'm going through and what i've been going through for years would make anyone depressed #so i couldn't help but cry a little because yeah. i'm so tired of never being enough no matter how hard i try #because my brain's wired a certain way and it makes me slow and kinda clumsy and inattentive at times #which. you might guess is not ideal at today's work environment. or studying-wise even #so instead of granting me sick leave (she did say we can change that at anytime though) she told me to wait for that phone call #from the unemployment office. which i should be getting tomorrow. or well. later today #and talk to them about this. to see if they can offer some solutions. or if we can figure something out #'cause i'm getting closer to my 40s and not getting anywhere and it's wearing me out and tiring me out #because i clearly can't help myself or change my ways on my own #i managed to get some work last week though. at the local youth house. one shift though but money still #but i haven't been getting those offers a lot during the past few months so it's not enough to support me obviously #so i definitely need something else. and i hope i can get help. that someone could help me #i should finally get tested for adhd next month too. i don't know if i even have it or if it's gonna change anything but #at least i'd know #anyway i needed to get this off my chest. cause i'm kinda crying a little bit even now just thinking about this whole thing #sorry

[ganondoodle]

sorry about that last rambling post, i didnt mean to sound like its worse than it may be, but i got no ... lense to view it through but my own, and the main reason i wrote it out anyway was bc i needed to get it out (even if posting it might be not the greatest idea) .. and bc it kinda showcases, i think, how my stories kinda write themselves, involuntarily in a way? its not like im not putting in any effort- but its like .. i cant STOP it always keeps going and even the dumbest idea stays in some form, its very hard to get everything in place bc theres so much going on all the while i am very slow at making anything, writing or drawing anything, especially anythign coherent is very hard bc not only do i get constantly distracted, i get distracted by my own thoughts suddendly skipping to a certain scene and me having to go throguh imagining in detail NO MATTER how many times i have done it before for the same scene that i already decided on how it goes, when theres a new idea it can take over my entire day bc i cant let go of it-

not trying to sound either like im the only that has that sort of problem, but i think its a big part as of why i start tso many projects without being able to finish them, or even start them bc i constantly have to fight my own thoughts from derailing into another daydream session, thinking of too much too fast than i can ever draw or even write about and not knowing what is worthwhile and what isnt (im telling you i have no idea what is good and what isnt, idk why but for all i know all things i do could be trash, or they all could be bad, maybe the one i thinnk is decent is actually worse than the things i deem not good enough and once i start to think no this isnt good enough i stop having fun making or thinking it bc im trying to do better

honestly its kind of impressive that i can get anything out at all, not to pat myself on the back there but even if i hate how long it takes me, considering how much im having to work just to start working on something at all, the fact that i could post stuff coherent enough for some people to understand AND LIKE is something i should be a little more proud of

#ganondoodles talks #personal #sorry today is a bit of a brain fart day #got a headache and have wasted the entire time until now (5pm) with watching old analysis videos i have watched 5 times already #and crying over undertales music #how much could i get done if i didnt have to deal with thought trains going 200 above speed limit #also didnt mean to sound mean to people who like the things i deem cringy #BC I DONT KNOW WHAT IM TALKIGN ABOUT 90% OF THE TIME #I DONT KNOW IF ITS GOOD maybe it is #my judgement of my own stuff is pretty random #.... maybe thats why i can work with fanstuff that adheres to lore better #bc it sets limits for me #it gives me options of rails to derail onto without falling straight into the woods #idk if that made sense either #... i need to start drinking more #(and i guess by calling some of my stuff cringe bc i am entirely unsure of its quality im trying to make myself smaller than i am) #(so if it turns out to be actually bad- im more safe from ridicule since LOOK I AM SELF AWARE) #and there i go letting my thoughts spin further #maybe ill delete both of these posts tomorrow when i realize how dumb this is to say in the first place

[pallanophblargh]

I think part of me expected this burnout would last a long time, but it’s drawing close to a year now. I have a strong reason to suspect medications are prolonging it. Granted: I have no intention of stopping medication, but I suspect I may need to make some changes. It’s been nice not to feel burning rage/crippling despair/panic most of the time, but I also miss being able to actually... act on things! Start things! Feel some semblance of motivation, as fleeting as it is. Mostly my reaction to prompts of any kind are “nah, don’t wanna” or “so what?” which isn’t terribly conducive to anything more than day to day life. (Y’all, I can’t even reliably plan my vacation and that’s pretty terrible.)

I’m saying this in part as a sort of explanation as to why I’ve been so slow to respond to anything, or post any art, or even re-open commissions this past year. I just... generally can’t make myself do anything that isn’t a part of my daily maintenance routine. Knowing that making art (even personal art) takes 3x times as long to complete is a standout reason I’ve been refusing to reopen commissions especially, since I’d be unwilling to make clients wait more than a few months for even something as simple as a sketch. People were patient enough with “Old Me,” I don’t think most would hold out for “New Me.”

Thankfully I’m speaking to my doctor tomorrow regarding my experiences on the current medication, and maybe I can find something that works a little better. I feel like I’ve been pretty fortunate so far, all things considered, and my side effects have been fairly mild. (Though I have suspicions it’s also thinning out my hair something fierce... probably time for supplements for that issue!)

Hopefully I’ll figure it out sooner rather than later? Either way, I’m learning to accept things as they are these days. 

#April rambles #text post #mental health #medication #I know I'm one of the lucky ones but I'm still not discounting my aggravations #like yeah I'd like to think I should be capable of motivation #but at what cost? #and I never thought I'd care so much about hair loss but yikes I never had a lot of hair to begin with #wanting to cry anytime I see someone with a full head of thick hair #guess I'm kinda shallow after all lol #I have some beef regarding my other issues and suspicions but whatever #I can deal with them later #but I still find it hard to believe I've been assigned Just Anxiety instead of low grade well masked ADHD #Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh whatever #I'm a pleasant zombie for the most part are you happy? #I can't be arsed to do really anything are you sure that's just anxiety? #I'm literally masquerading as an apathetic potato most of the time now with meds so yeah ok sure? #we'll get there someday I hope #shit count my blessings it could be so much worse