#this person still thought ‘why would a transfem be saying this’ before they thought ‘maybe this person is transmasc’

[transmascissues]

at this point i don’t even have any commentary to add to this. i’m just tired.

#there was a thread i saw right before this #where a transmasc person was talking about their body and referred to it as having not been female in a long time #and somebody replied saying that they were confused when they read it #because the trans people on their timeline are almost always transfems so they just assumed that person must be too #like even though they were talking about their body in a way that clearly indicated transmasculinity #this person still thought ‘why would a transfem be saying this’ before they thought ‘maybe this person is transmasc’ #some of y’all really do not see us as part of your community at all and it’s exhausting #even to other trans people we don’t exist (unless it’s convenient) #examples of transandrophobia #transandrophobia #transandromisia #transmisandry #virilmisia #virilphobia #anti transmasculinity #transmascphobia #transmasc erasure

[thepunkmuppet]

ok i just looked back through my blog and it looks like my big theory from way back last year has just… disappeared?? which i’m pretty annoyed about tbh, but i want to expand on it and update it anyway because the casting announcement and logo all validate it and make it a lot more interesting SO

my big magnus protocol theory and what i think the plot will be

so, this is a world completely without the Fears, until BAM. here they are. and with the arg, the encrypted messages and the glitchy aesthetic they seem to be going for, now further expanded on by the logo literally being a glitchy computer screen, i was thinking what if as the fears entered the universe, there was some kind of mass signal or energy surge.

imagine all the screens and electronics in the world suddenly go static, and a jumbled-up incomprehensible message (like the “statement remains” audio) can be heard everywhere, all around the world. and it goes on for around 20-30 minutes. and in those minutes, every single person in the world is fucking TERRIFIED. just frozen in absolute fear.

and of course this causes thousands and thousands of accidents and deaths and just generally terrifies everyone, so naturally every world government thinks it’s an attack of some kind. hence why we follow civil service workers, specifically those working for Incident Assessment and Response. this would be quite an incident!!

in these first few episodes following the signal, we also hear from the prime minister. and i originally thought it would be REALLY fun if the uk prime minister in this universe is the og Elias. i love this idea with all my heart for many reasons, but it doesn’t look like ben meredith will be in it, so i’ve had to modify it a bit. so, either the prime minister will be gwendolyn bouchard, who could either be a relative of elias or transfem elias (although, trans prime minister?? in this godforsaken country??) OR the tim fearon character, who could potentially be jonah magnus or a similar previously established character. but personally, i’m betting on miss gwendolyn, so keep that in mind as you read the rest of this.

and so at the end of the first or second episode, we hear this prime minister in a big meeting about the incident, and the episode ends on a cliffhanger that reveals what the unscrambled audio really was.

it’s mag 200. which is why jon and martin are (potentially) on the cast list. the fears are ushered into the universe using their voices.

but i think what would be an even cooler cliffhanger is if after this big reveal, after the tape squeals and basira says good luck, we hear something we’ve never heard before.

“oh, hello. are you still listening?”

OR

tim fearon’s voice.

so this is where the REDACTED names really come into play. idk what the actual plot will be, but my idea is that jon, martin, and the tim fearon character, who i personally think is the voice of the original jonah magnus, are:

1, stuck as “ghosts in the machine” of sorts, living on as disembodied glitchy voices and nothing more

2, are huge eldritch entities, who can speak through anything and anyone, maybe possess people, etc, and possibly act as similar entities to the fears in a way, creating their own avatars and suchlike - maybe to fight the fears in jon and martin’s cases

or 3, the fears use their voices to actually speak, probably through recordings and electronics, meaning the REDACTED isn’t just to conceal their characters, they actually just don’t have names

also this is a much smaller point but because her name and presumed age are so out of place in comparison to the rest of the cast, i think lady mowbray is a psychic or mystic woman of some kind rather than an actual noble woman, and will be able to talk to the new jon and martin, whatever they are

so yeah that’s it i guess! i hope all this makes sense, if anyone has any questions, anything to add or challenge, or just want to discuss it please please do!! i want to see what people think of this in light of all the new information because i LOVE this idea so much that if it doesn’t happen i might just write it myself lol

#the magnus protocol #tmagp #the magnus protocol theory #the magnus protocol speculation #tmagp theory #tmagp speculation #the magnus archives #tma #jonathan sims #jonny sims #martin blackwood #jmart #jonmartin #teaholding #elias bouchard #jonah magnus #gwendolyn bouchard

[heartscrypt]

Do you have any headcanons for transfem Riddle

OH BOY DO I EVER. sorry this is going to be a HELLISH long post i have been saving all my thoughts

- before riddle realizes she's a girl she does the thing of like. "mother i want to be like you" and mimicks her mother a lot (this is because her mother is the only female figure in her life and riddle doesn't Actually want to be her mom she wants to be what her mom Is which is a WOMAN). her mother, being an overbearing control freak, is far too pleased by this (because she enjoys the idea of a child who is a second version of her)

- never goes as far as trying to wear her mother's dresses or putting on her mother's makeup because touching her mother's personal items feels like a death sentence regardless of how badly she wants to dress up. instead settles for encouraging her mother to buy them matching clothing so that riddle can dress a little more femininely while also flying under the radar

- she realized she was a girl around the time she started sneaking out to see chenya and trey. mostly because they would start talking about themselves when they were playing. chenya especially has always been ambiguously gendered even as a kid (and occasionally i think of trey as transmasc) so they were kind of her gateway to the concept of "you don't have to be the gender you were assigned at birth"

- she grew up with a very black and white view of gender though so she initially refused to come to terms with the fact that she was transfem when chenya + trey brought it up as a possibility. denied it adamantly and insisted that maybe it wasnt true for them but She was confined to the gender she was at birth despite however she felt

- in response chenya just started referring to her using she/her anyways. lol. sending this girl into a crisis by using her proper pronouns before she even comes to terms with the fact that those are her proper pronouns

- approached the subject of wanting to be a girl Once with her mom. her mom reacted like ?what and riddle got scared and immediately backed down

(note: this is because riddle is terrified of her mom's reaction to literally Anything that doesn't fit her vision of what riddle Should be, not necessarily because riddle's mom is transphobic. it's an easy route to say she's transphobic since she's. You know. The Worst. but i have to remind you all that you can be a shitty person even if you're not transphobic and also i think transphobia hcs in fictional universes where transphobia could plausibly not exist are cornyyyy boooooo why would you want transphobia to exist in canon /hj)

- socially transitioned as soon as she came to nrc. like marched up to crowley's office as soon as freshman orientation was over and demanded to change her gender on all school documentation. girl relax its been like an hour

- has not had the means to medically transition yet (her mother has complete control over her medical records) but has been researching the effects of hrt on her own time. it's part of her "studies to be a medical mage" (wink)

- in her freshman year she's still not used to being socially out despite having charged into it at full speed so. she uses heartslabyul rules as a cover of sorts so she can justify to herself things like putting on eyeliner and wearing heels (because that's tradition for the heartslabyul housewarden, not because she wants to. Obviously). fighting invisible demons

- the last time trey saw riddle was when she was still trying to fit into her assigned gender at birth so she's so incredibly nervous meeting him again this time with the knowledge that she's a girl. she knows he'll be accepting because hes. Trey. but it still feels strange. however he is her biggest supporter 🔥🔥🔥 one of her first gender euphoria moments is when he introduces her to cater as one of his childhood best friends and uses the correct pronouns the entire time while referring to riddle's past closeted self. she nearly cries

- deuce (cis) is way too enthusiastic about being an ally. he wears his he/him pronoun badge with pride. addresses riddle as ma'am. drinks his respect women juice. maybe puts a little Too much emphasis on riddle being a lady to the point where riddles like Ok this is too much.

- riddle and vil are baby transfem + elder transfem solidarity. this is honestly just canon if you read the halloween riddle vignette. but im gonna take it one step further and say vil helps riddle gradually feel more comfortable with her identity without feeling the need to justify her actions with some arbitrary rule. also instructs her on how to do makeup because riddles never done anything like that pre-nrc

- cater (genderfluid, loves to experiment on both sides of the gender spectrum when it comes to fashion) definitely regularly insists on taking riddle out to buy cute clothes and dresses. riddle bristles at the idea of being so frivolous when the only thing she Needs to wear at nrc is the uniform but she actually finds herself enjoying the little outings. after they go shopping they'll go to a nice cafe so that riddle can get a cute sweet treat and cater can post it on his magicam without actually having to consume anything sweet himself. they are friends :')...

- ohhhh thinking about their shopping trips is so </3 i love them so much. riddle has old lady fashion taste (tfw your middle aged mom is the only female figure in your life for 16 years and all she wears is dresses that look like theyre from the 17th century) and cater is just a little appalled. says the clothes riddle picks out aren't even vintage they're just Old. riddle retorts that the clothes cater picks out make no sense style-wise. she thinks things like crop tops and ripped jeans are stupid as a concept ("where's the rest of the shirt?" and "why would you want to buy damaged pants?" are common questions cater must endure when shopping for any type of modern fashion with riddle around)

- ace (transmasc guy) likes to torment riddle with gender-affirming misogyny. it's a joke that it is only funny to him. like he'll go "girls 🙄 all they do is nag" (he says its funny because he used to be a girl ok he's allowed to say that) whenever riddle starts bossing him around and riddle gets sooo fucking madhdDGDHHFH

#twisted wonderland headcanons #twst headcanons #twst #twisted wonderland #riddle rosehearts #jamie talks #txt post #the public forum #holy shit this is fucking LONG #sorry guys. if they didn't want me to post paragraphs about transfem riddle they shouldn't have made her transfem #idk what to tell yall #thems the breaks

[good-beans]

hi i'd like to know about your transfem fuuta thoughts please. if that's ok

"if that's ok" as if I haven't been rotating transfem fuuta in my mind for a long time and dying for an excuse to post something 👀👀👀 Thank you so much Ah!! I was able to format my little ideas and headcanons into an actual write-up, I just love this concept so much! All the big murderous twists in the series and I’ll never get over it is what it is...

So, as much as I enjoy headcanons about some big revelation moment, I think that Fuuta Terminally Online Kajiyama has been very aware of his identity for a while. He just never really got the motivation to do anything about it. He knows he's not completely satisfied with his gender, but isn't constantly suffering over it, so he thinks telling people/transitioning would be way too much of a hassle at that point in his life. He also struggles with people taking him seriously given his height, attitude, etc -- unconsciously he's also worried it will only make matters worse in that area.

He wouldn't dare say anything to his parents, and wants to avoid hassle with his friends. People paint them as judgy incels sometimes, but if they were really calling out ‘bad guys’ online, I always got the vibe they were those annoying type of progressives who will harass people for not being accepting in the perfect correct way, you know? They'd be outwardly supportive but there's still a level of high expectations and performance that comes with it, and so deep down Fuuta understands there'd be a "hassle," but can't really define why.

I mentioned in another hc post that Fuuta and his sister have a silent supportive relationship. I feel like she's the one person in his life who knows everything and is super accepting -- this is understood even though neither have said anything out loud. (When he was younger, she definitely forced him into skirts, dresses, and accessories "to check something for her beautician work.") She's noticed all the times he's picked a female avatar in games, or cosplayed in ambiguous outfits.

Then, Milgram. Thinking his life will be over soon anyway, he opens up to a few of the prisoners about himself. Their unexpected openness keeps it on his mind more often than before. Still, nothing changes. Through some rocky verdicts, he's declared innocent and released.

Back in the real world, he's pretty fucked up from the whole ordeal, and starts off extremely isolated. He's in touch with his family, but distant. He maintains contact with some of the other released prisoners, but it starts off only over the phone. He changes schools or maybe drops out completely. Having deleted all online accounts after the incident, he gets to work setting up a new online presence. He was planning on using an alias anyways, and goes with something gender neutral. "To be extra safe that no one guesses it's me," he tells himself.

Letting his hair grow out begins as an accident -- just a side effect of never going out or minding his appearance. One day he realizes how long he's let it go and grabs some scissors to cut it. He makes a comment in his chat, and someone begs him to send a picture first. He goes to take it, but is suddenly disgusted and ashamed of his self-neglect. He's forced to make himself selfie presentable first: brushing his hair and throwing on something clean real quick. When he goes to take the picture, he realizes it looks good. It feels good. He puts the scissors away.

Soon, the prisoners/some new online friends coax Fuuta to hang out more. That's when she decides to reintroduce herself into society as someone new. She ventures out with the name of a favorite video game character. (I'm going to continue saying Fuuta because I genuinely can't name a single popular character from games she'd play, but just picture the most painfully obvious one you can. The kind you hear and go "oh okay. You play X too much, huh." And please send me your thoughts so I can work them into my own personal canon 👀) 

She doesn't have any hatred towards her deadname, it's more the pain of association: she remembers it said accusingly from the mouths of ex-friends. She remembers that name being called a murderer. She's not trying to deny/run from that past, she just wants to be someone better. Well, some days it is her way of running away, but most of the time it's a healthy separation from the past.

Encouraged by the positive reception and abundance of privacy in her isolation, she finally starts to explore her appearance more. Mikoto left behind some earrings during a visit -- she pierces her ears herself and tries them on. (If she doesn't like them, the holes will just heal, right? She's not weak, she can take a little pain...) Yuno/Mahiru stayed over once, and left a bit of makeup in the bathroom. She tries that on too. With a beautician in the family, this self-styling comes very easily. Fuuta's cowardly tendencies have her torn between embarrassment and her typical 'fuck you' attitude that she can do whatever she wants.

You know when you solve a tiny problem and suddenly you're smacked with how much of a huge problem it actually was? Fuuta never believed she had any issues before, but all of the sudden she's happier. Every day is easier. She has more friends. True friends. She does better with school/work. Her personality is still fiery, but it's more passion than irritability now. Self-hatred she didn't recognize starts melting away. She smiles more. She laughs more. She has plans for her future. She's excited about her future. 

(Shameless art plug hehe, before I had the timeline nailed down I did a little drawing of that selfie Fuuta takes when she realizes she's satisfied with this appearance, and now has newfound motivation to move forward in life.)

Over time she experiments with other elements of transitioning, and maybe changes her name to something a bit more subtle lol.

Unfortunately, I don't think it would go over well with her parents, but she never much cared for their opinions, anyway. One day a bit in the future, she bumps into her old friends in the street. Once recovering from panic, she's pleasantly surprised that they don't recognize her. Fuuta thought her appearance/fashion wasn't that different, but to fair, the friends figured they'd remember a stunning redhead with a very noticeable eye injury if they'd met before...

And just a few quick prisoner reactions (because in my heart they're all making it out ;--;):

Yuno has similar relationship as Fuuta's sister, offering immense help without unnecessary words. She's Fuuta’s go-to contact for trying new things and asking questions. 

When Mahiru first finds out, she goes a bit overboard with a makeover attempt. She and Muu provide their most frilly, glimmering outfits. They paint her nails and do makeup. They style her hair. This obviously turns out to be way too much, earning them a Fuuta-typical rant. Still, she's secretly moved by their enthusiasm and kindness. 

After that, designer Mikoto tries his hand at helping. Fuuta had been really worried the two of them would lose their guys nights out and relaxed friendship, but their relationship never changes.

Shidou is very accepting and very awkward. He's trying!! He gets excited, sending her all this information and help for medically transitioning.

Fuuta invites Kazui to their first pride parade <3

Though there's no return address on the package, Fuuta receives a gift of miscellaneous earrings and piercings in the mail with a note that they'd suit her well…

#milgram #fuuta kajiyama #and the others briefly #(i never know how to write pre and post transition pronouns so i just switch when she does) #thank youuuuu ive literally wanted to post something but wasnt sure if it was silly or anyone would care ;-; so this made me sooo excited #fuuta my beloved!! #it is what it is my beloved!! #i just want that for her so bad!! #its funny because i know thats not what yamanaka intended and still it fits So Well: #theres so much attention on her self perception - fear of how others perceive her - the self hatred - the layered clothes #OUGH #haruka amane and es are supportive as well i just couldnt think of specifics #jackalope isnt -_- #i say fuuta and kazui went to pride together but i mean practically all the other prisoners are there too sadfds #its just the biggest deal to them #another art mention -- @sequoiareachesforthesky drew her the other day and ive been Looking Hoo Boy 👁️👁️ #im a little obsessed with it asdfsdfd #i was supposed to finish my next drabble before formatting all this but shhh i wont tell if you dont #im just stuck on some simple dialogue but this was flowin lol #i dont know other peoples thoughts on her but i hope you enjoy :3 #and yeah i live under a rock and know 0 gamer names -- please tell me lol #rose posts

[agalnamedlunasea]

*shakes a bag of treats to lure out your DR headcanons*

Psspsspsspsspss

ALRIGHT YOU’VE CONVINCED ME but im putting this under a readmore bc ive got charts and shit

Sexuality

Aspec

Gender

SO I think the charts mostly speak for themselves? I definitely don't have the energy to go into *every* individual person nor do I necessarily have much to say about some of em, so I'll only go into detail about ones I have particularly strong thoughts about/ things to say. But feel free to ask specifics! Can't guarantee I'll be able to answer but still. ANYWAY SO

I wanna start by saying I am the least confident in my aspec headcanons? They're extremely flexible moment to moment and I'm not attached to many of them. I could see almost anyone almost anywhere with only a handful of exceptions, honestly

I almost put a "cis but they've still got something goin on" category on the gender one,,, I woulda put the antags, Yasuhiro, Sonia, Angie, Gonta, maybe a couple others in there,,,

Not really represented here but im a big fan of genderfluid imposter and byakuya

All the protags are trans, and also they're all bi except komaru, fun fact 👍

Literally all of em are queer in some fashion, as you can tell from the fact that I forgot to put a "straight" category on the chart...

Anyway some in particular that im fond of that ive not really talked about before:

I love love love hc Aoi as a nonbinary lesbian. Its like,, lowkey projection,,, but I think its supported by the text. She's got some hang-ups surrounding womanhood and being a woman and how that relates to her relationship with men (im thinking specifically of her last fte). I think it would be a nice resolution to that struggle for her to shed the expectations she feels entirely and embrace who she is, even if its different from what she feels like she's "supposed" to be. Idk I think its a natural conclusion

I enjoy nonbinary chihiro for a similar reason. I think it would also be a natural conclusion to her struggles with gender and what masculinity and femininity means to them

And somewhat related I hc sakura as a cis lesbian also bc of her struggles with femininity?? I like the idea of her conclusion being to embrace her femininity wholeheartedly. She enjoys being feminine but has a hard time reconciling that with her strength. Id like to see her enjoy both of those things about her

Hm i wonder if those say anything about me, im not projecting even a little bit

I hc that akane is pan but for the longest time she just. Doesn't realize not everyone is like that? It was never even something to think about for her. Like she'll be talking to nekomaru and she's like "really you've never thought a girl was hot? Never? Men, I get ya, but *no* girls? That's possible?" And nekomaru gives her the most disappointed stare.

Idk why but nagito and nekomaru being the only gay men on the island is a lil funny to me

Also. I read a singular fic where nagito was demisexual and I was like ok you've convinced me (can you tell. I am. Easily convinced. About this kind of thing)

I go back and forth on whether I hc izuru as pan or aroace. Things like gender don't really matter to him, I just can't decide how that would work in terms of attraction for him 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

I would just like to call attention to transfem hiroko hagakure. Good for her

Rantaro. Feels v aroace to me. In that way where everyone who likes men is like "wow he's so pretty I can't believe he doesn't have a partner id love to date him I wonder if he's interested in anyone" and then he's just like "hey you guys check out this cool thing I found". Like the reverse of bi but noone wants him. Attractive but doesn't want anyone. I can see aspec tho. But that boy is definitely not allo

Once again. Idk why. But kiyotaka, nekomaru, nagito, and kokichi being the only gay men on the chart. Is a lil funny to me. Idk Idk Idk

Ummmm I think thats most of what I wanna say??? I might elaborate more another time but there's that 👍

#HI enjoy the word vomit #honestly most of these are just what i think and im really fine w almost any interpretation of the characters #there's only like two or three that i really cant see any other way #anyway thank yall for enabling me #danganronpa #dear god im not tagging everyone #queer headcanons #lgbtq headcanons #trans headcanon #al answers asks #also sorry this took like. two days lol

[e77y]

Long but relatively unserious vent/rant below the cut (sorry I added this in bc I realized how long this post is oops)

Being at the center of some kind of internet witchhunt (which ik is kind of buzzwordy but) is literally my biggest fear ohhh my god. Even a small scale one… I think I would Die. Maybe it’s because I had a similar thing happen with my friend group in high school where one of them convinced the others I was like evil and spread all these rumors about me… 😭 He was splitting on me but still. That’s an explanation, not an excuse. And it basically confirmed all of my intrusive thoughts about myself, and my personality completely self-destructed and changed, and I haven’t interacted with any of those people the same way since. I isolated from them for MONTHS and just loathed myself. Bleh

The reason it’s on my mind is bc I’ve seen this happen to friends and mutuals and even just people I’ve followed in small fandoms, where the whole fandom hates them bc of this little drama and like. I KNOW that fandom drama is not the end of the world, but truly I think that would destroy me for months. And I would never be able to set foot in those spaces again :’) Getting a handful of rude comments about a fucking transfem hc I had at like 14 made me stop writing fanfic for YEARS 😭😭😭 sigh. Just bc they said it was ‘out of character for him to want to be a girl’ 🙄 (<- character who canonically felt confident when dressed as a woman btw. initially for a disguise but then she grew to love it. BUT I DIGRESS KNSHFJW)

All this to say I think that’s why I tiptoe around everything I say online… I am SO scared of ruffling feathers, but I know that fandoms are places for like! Having fun! And it’s not a big deal! And it doesn’t affect my real life! But like idk.. I just hate the idea of being hated by anyone. I’m sure that I ANNOY some people, and that’s whatever; I talk a lot and make overly personal posts sometimes (like this lol) but I don’t wanna be HATED yk? And idek if it’s better to be hated and ostracized publicly or resented in secret by people who still interact with you… :( Agh. If you ever have an issue with me, please DM me instead of letting it build up into something worse!

ANYWAY LIKE.. with fandom stuff. Idk. I want to have fun! I want to write and post things on Tumblr and AO3 etc but I am just very scared of peoples’ opinions, especially now that I have a decently popular/well-liked longfic in DnDads. For some reason I have convinced myself that writing bad or self-indulgent NSFW will make everyone hate me lmao. Like girl the POINT of fanfic is to be self-indulgent……….. sigh I need to get out more

^ light-hearted… but also kinda true haha. I stay at home a lot just bc I don’t have many reasons to go out atm and only a handful of close friends to go out with. Hopefully that will change when I move next semester lol. And whenever I get interests, they’re VERY strong and long-lasting, and fanfic writing is one of my main hobbies, so I get REALLY into online communities. And rn that is kind of my little niche fandom Tumblr bubble… which is embarrassing and probably unhealthy but whatever. I just inevitably get a lot of anxiety about things that are important/fun to me (bc OCD), especially bc I’ve never really had mutuals/‘friends’ in a fandom before this, excluding my irls

Anyway this got longer and more vent-y than I intended so I will tag accordingly, and sorry to whoever is reading this lol; I just wanted to get my thoughts written down in a public forum bc idk… Makes me feel less insane when ik other people can see it, too. Helps me not take it too seriously and spiral lol.

#vent #cw vent #rant #delete later #<- like tomorrow morning I’m shre #usually I delete stuff like this immediately but I’ll try to keep it up #was talking to my mom earlier about OCD and intrusive thoughts and whatnot…. #she definitely has it too. like undoubtedly #her intrusive thoughts and compulsions sounded exactly like mine #which sucks for me bc my dad ALSO definitely has OCD (in a more outwardly recognizable way) so! wahoo! double whammy #just feeling kinda defeated about mental health stuff #I feel like it’s never gonna get better #I need to go to therapy or a psychiatrist or SOMETHING #it’s been like 4 years now since I was originally supposed to go lol #and I keep putting it off out of fear (I think) #my friends (irls) have all been getting diagnoses and prescriptions lately #which is exciting for them but :( idk. I feel like there’s no way to medicate whatever I’ve got going on except SSRIs???? #and I don’t really want that #mostly though I’m just scared of going back to therapy or to a psychiatrist bc I think they’ll think I’m lying or crazy or whatever #which sounds stupid when I write it out but idk #I should probably keep a journal but when I’m only writing for my own eyes I just kinda wallow in it and write concerning poetry lol #I like journaling in a way other people can see (even if y’all DON’T like seeing it lmaoooo) bc it makes it feel more real? #and out of my head.. concrete etc. #wackyposting #<- seriously need to change that tag still lol

[cakeboxie]

I think the reason Halsin and Zevlor (and Jaheria but I don’t post about her often) appeal to me so much as characters is bc they’re old and queer. Halsins varied queerness is an inherent fact of his character, and I heavily hc Zev as a cis gay man and jaheria as a straight transfem.

I only recently realized why I like that so much, it’s because it’s incredibly likely I won’t get old.

Tw. Death, graphic descriptions of chronic illness, mention of genocide, violence fuelled by bigotry.

I’m kinda just rambling in hopes that maybe someone like me will get comfort from knowing that they’re not alone.

I’m mixed, visibly queer, physically disabled, chronically ill and poor in an extremely conservative area. One of my only clear memories before 2016 is being told I wouldn’t live to see 13 bc of all the things wrong with me. I could drop dead from any number of physical issues, I could be killed for being queer, I could be murdered as a “joke” (this whole thing was prompted by an article about a group of teenagers who pushed a wheelchair user to her death in front of a train a few months back bc they thought it was funny. I was at the exact station where it happened, in my wheelchair, waiting for the train.) because I’m supposed to use a mobility aid, which means murder is okay, apparently.

I don’t know any old queers either, I’m not fond of adult themed events but there was a time when I forced myself to go anyway. Just to see people who really and truly lived.

And there was no one.

I know why there wasn’t, but still.

The oldest queer person I’ve ever known was 37, and 39 when she was murdered.

I suppose I just want to hope that someone like me will be able to grow old, and be truly and completely happy.

A part of me is guilty about that, in a weird sort of way. Be the change you want to see in the world and what have you, but I quite literally can’t.

Protests rarely stay peaceful here bc of pigs (cops) and violence fueled by bigotry. I cannot move fast enough to get away.

I can’t afford to donate, I have to live with two people who are, frankly, incredibly bad for my mental health bc this province believes $500 a month covers rent (if I had to pay rent and not just utilities my third would be close to $600 with 3 people in a 2 bedroom, we could not find a cheaper place.)

I do my daily clicks for Palestine (one on each device + in incognito), I keep myself as up to date as I can handle without breaking down. (Particularly genocide is something that has been a constant in my life, Ukrainian/indigenous, somehow both the 2nd generation to be born in Canada and the 2nd generation to be born off the reserve. I physically cannot handle reading about it without making myself legitimately sick a lot of the time, I’m guilty about that too.)

My silly little pngs don’t have to worry about that. They’re only sad when I say they are, otherwise they are happy and they are loved. Loved in a way I can’t even understand, really. I don’t know what it’s like to sit on a counter and kiss my partner while I’m cooking, I don’t know what it’s like to be domestic. It feels weird and edgy to say but it’s true, I don’t know what life is like without pain and exhaustion and struggle. I have fought tooth and nail to make myself a safe space and still it does not exist outside myself. I have exactly 10.2 square meters that are truly safe, and even when I am safe I am in pain, my joints ache and dislocate and fight me when I try to move.

So I draw my silly little pngs, and hope that someone will eventually be happy like that. Because even when everyone is shitty hope is really fucking important. And I can do that, dear gods I can hope. As hard as I can I hope for change.

#should I put character tags on this? #idk man #I want to #bc I want people to see it and know that there are other people #like them/like me #but also #the wider fandom scares me #with how they treat Halsin and Wyll particularly #ik wyll isn’t a focus of this post but he could be very easily included #bc I also don’t see queer poc #I know why that is (queer spaces here are still extremely racist) #I wish I had the means to change that #anyway #cakewrites #bg3 halsin #bg3 zevlor #jaheria

[wizardtipsnow]

This is four pages of prose born of transfem swag, you may skip if u like.

For context first, my dad has been hospitalized for about a week and the events of that week have been a mental crucible for me. this is what naturally sprouted as writing from this sort of superheating of my mind and personalities, essentially? here we go then. I have been in a cave for longer than I know, Traveling and surviving, Usually suffering, Nearly drowned every step, Every heartbeat an echo in a soundless room, An endless hallway, I finally come upon a clearing, “Thank God. Maybe this is a sign,” A small rock beach only a yard from where I was, I finally beach myself and try to find composure, “It’s been so long,” I say, I thought, to nobody “It seems like it” An unexpected reply,A small little lizard, A confused friendly fellow asks, “Why are you here?” “I don’t know” I return, seeming a simple answer to a stupid question But he adds, “Why not leave?” Another stupid question, I think, “I can’t. The way out is harder than the way down” I reply “And after all, the only way out is through”“But maybe it only goes deeper” my small companion utters, And maybe he is right, “Things worse than me live deeper, and there’s no other exit, not that I know at least” he ponders “But, the only way out is through” I say “No” my companion retorts, “Sometimes through is only deeper, Sometimes out is the way you came, I think.” he says “But the way back is difficult, and the way I came is tainted” I shoot back at him,“How so?” he says in the same tone of any curious creature, “Sometimes bridges cant be crossed again, and going back means nearly drowning.” We wait for a moment.“You looked like you were drowning to even get here,” he retorts, I was “And isn’t it strange you would come down here in the first place,” he continues “No, whats above here doesn’t want me, and this leads somewhere new,” I reply in unfounded confidence, “It does, maybe, but again, why would you ever be here?” he says, A new sharpness in the tone, “They wont have me up there.” I say Unfazed and repeating myself as sharply. Anyone should know this, Anyone should know that sometimes escape is the path. Especially some little lizard.“But the caves are not your home,” he says, seeming somewhat irate at this point “And who are you to know?” I reply in equal attitude We sit in silence for a moment, Again, Both clearly a bit shaken, Myself still catching my breath, “Because you came here,” the lizard finally interrupts the silence, “And you don’t know if this is the last clearing,”I didn’t reply, at least not at first, Until he interrupted the silence again, “You know friend, going back up is just as hard as going further,” This resonates for a minute, However just as naively I respond, “This is true, but down is somewhere new and up is where I came, It’s been years, friend, going back is stupid.” “No,” he says. All of that sharpness gone“If its really been that long,” he says, little judgment in his voice now, “What if back out is new as well?” I ponder for a moment and say, “Or what if it’s the same, it’s a gamble friend,” I replied in some kind of self righteousness, I had to be right. Otherwise?I think about this longer until, “You wont be able to breathe after the next slopes here,” the lizard tells me in a purely matter of fact tone “You’ll die before you see the next clearing,” We sit in silence again, it feels purposeful on his part as well, “And so I have to go back?” I say, in the moment realizing that he isn’t lying to me, he has no reason, No motive, He doesn’t reply for a moment, Nor do I speak again.After a few minutes, “You’ve touched death enough times, I don’t think the way up will hurt as much,” Maybe “You know the path up and you’ve followed this one to the bottom,” The lizard says. It’s calming. “Maybe,” I say, “Absolutely,” the same calmness forwarded again, It seemed pretty obvious, But I had never thought to, I turn back, The chest deep water looks calmer, And I think I see some sun down the path up.A hard climb as it were, I found myself often scrambling and clambering, This way feels harder than it was going down, Seeing things that were only the past to me, Some familiar faces, but mostly new, I spent my time putting down that feeling,The way back up, it seemed, Was some impossible task, Bleak and dark, Wet and easy to fumble, And I did, many times, I scraped and scrambled until I saw my familiar friend, That lizard, who, in a dour moment said to go back, “Why do you scramble like this?” he asks, Lighting a fire in my gut, “Well you said it was right, didn’t you” I muster all of my remaining bitterness. “But you can’t climb out with the same abandon as rushing in” he says, The words feel important, But nonetheless I don’t feel them,“These walls are high and steep,” he says, “You need to be more careful on the way back,” Damn it all to Hell, Up and down are both useless, Maybe sensing my thoughts he replies, mostly to my dismay, “I said it was just as challenging to go back, but if you hold yourself tight you might find it easier,”And it was never easy, “Damn that stupid lizard,” I had said this to the point of timelessness. He was no longer around to reply, by that point, “Tells me to go back, this whole path is ten times worse than what I came down,” It was, And beyond that the sunny gleam of the way out was also gone, “I’m just scaling these rocks, I’ll die here too,” I raised my voice, cursing a friend who couldn’t hear it, But in that moment I saw it, A small glimmer, And a real one, Outside was close,As beautiful as it was terrifying, I stopped again at the first oasis, The one I saw countless years ago, “I’m back, again” a shaky confidence in my voice, But they were gone, In the meantime every small critter who had offered me advice was, For one reason or another, Gone.“Great, and who are you then?” chirps a very small and bitter frog, “Well I’ve been in here for years, and I came out,” I reply, with a newfound chipper tone, “Nobody does that,” a different creature, maybe another lizard or frog, says in obvious disbelief, “But I did,” I say, a little annoyed at this notion “Nobody comes out of there, it’s where you go when life won’t take you,” some pesky newt chimes, I can’t take the disbelief and my tone gets as sharp as that lizard, A friend I met at the bottom, Almost in perfect time, a new lizard chimes in, A bit younger and, for that, Much like when I found this cave’s entrance, A bit more naive, says, “Right, maybe its dark in there but, The only way out is through!” And I thought, And it seemed rude but I did chuckle, And I looked at little fellow and said, “No,” I felt the same sentiment as the lizard I met what felt so long ago, At my lowest and the earth’s “Sometimes the way out is the way you came”

#my writing #thats a new tag for me lmao #i dont write and am not a writer

[lttleghost]

as someone who is transmasc and and personally also reads jesse as transmasc because I relate to his experiences of falling into the trap of performative hyper-masculinity, I think your transfem jesse analysis is very thorough and well thought out!

imo it’s just a difference of how you choose to interpret canon, and you clearly aren’t saying it just to be a contrarian. the other anon is, for whatever reason, upset by your (completely harmless) headcanon and apparently that means you’re deliberately trying to “enrage people” with your “odd” headcanons with “strange undertones?” as if a non-zero amount of fans having a headcanon makes it indisputable fact and believing otherwise is inherently contributing to some kind of secret issue 😭

GOD THANK YOU and it's like, if that ask had been directed at how I like actually had been a bit of an ass in the past about transmasc Jesse and it's popularity then like, okay fair, I let my emotions get the better of me there how ppl talk about that headcanon espec when ppl focus on Jesse’s appearance as being "obviously transmasc" hits a lot of sore spots for me irt being rejected by the transmasc community for not being transmasc in the "right" or "expected" way, but I was still being a lil bitch

but that ask was just acting like I was suspicious for... having a different headcanon than the majority? no other reason, and not even offering an actual hint of what that secret issue they might be referring to would be

cause I do think sometimes there are headcanon opinions that can contribute to an underlying issue, and there's even one with Jesse that I've mentioned before cause it's.... bad, though not everyone is necessarily trying to imply the bad part but some definitely are. when ppl see things abt Jesse's associations and connections with women and interpret it as only him being afab and therefore transmasc it feels, ya know, bioessentialist, and stuff like that is also why I do think transfem Jesse not receiving equal attention is a genuine issue in the fandom. and it'd be useful to change so the people who are doing this on accident and just have never thought of transfem Jesse before can correct themselves and recognize when people maybe aren't doing it on accident (I think much less severely the fact that transmasc overshadows other hcs does also point to some issues in larger fandom circles of preferring post-transition and "passing" headcanons as well though)

but like that isn't an issue with transmasc Jesse as a whole!! the problem is particular ways of talking about specfic reasonings for the headcanon!! and I can actually say what those reasons are instead of being vague abt "strange undertones"

#meat.txt #asks #it is... insane #i do still believe that any trans Jesse hc that requires him to already be transitioned isnt as CANONICALLY compliant but #only in the terms of 'could this literally be retroactively made canon without raising eyebrows at even minor interactions' #and not 'can this fit into the story thematically without changing any MAJOR plot points' #but like 100% canon compatability has never been the FIRST priority of fandom #not to coherent here cause i didnt re-read this but aaa #i do feel the difference in egg vs already transitioned Jesse does somewhat play into why- #its not great that egg Jesse interpretations are as obscure as they are now #BUT AGAIN JUST HAVING ONE HEADCANON OR ANOTHER ISN'T THE PROBLEM #ITS HOW THEY'RE TALKED ABOUT HOW THEYRE TREATED AND WHY #not just 'well the famdom says this'

[kisari]

ramblings on my personal feelings about my GG fave

i have such mixed feelings about testament's redesign. before i get too much into it. this is the internet so in case any rando sees this and doesnt know me: there is no wrong or right way to be nonbinary. there is no wrong or right way to present or feel yourself. i am against binary completely. i do not believe in transa/ndrophobia garbage.

i also wanna state i am a long time testament fangirlie. i love testament. i am happy testament was added. im happy they came out and said testament is x-gender/nb. testament in the old GG games partially helped me realize i was transmasc/nb. i think maybe thats why the redesign makes me feel a bit strange. first, a comparison.

Testament's general goth vibe and outfit basically never changed until Strive. I do think it's very interesting that from GG-->GGIsuka, Testament gained a six pack and yet also somehow became much skinnier and looks almost emaciated. Original GG Testament was very much a softer type build with no abs. I'd even say in Strive, their body shape became closer to how it was in the original GG.

Along with that, a lot of the design elements are still there, which I think is really impressive. The boots, the skirt, the gloves, and their new corset has the same arm flairs/wraps as their old tube top did. Really, they did a great job keeping the same vibe but showing that Testament has changed. So what's my problem? I've been trying to figure it out for a while. And seeing this concept art for Strive I think kinda cemented my feelings.

It was clear from the beginning they wanted Testament to have a more "fancy" look(lol the hat). In fact the one on the right is almost the exact same outfit but their body is drastically different... And I think this might be why I feel so mixed. GG creator has said Testament was always X-gender, and I think this comes through from their design from the very start. Back in ye olden days, before the Strive redesign, Testament 100% received transphobic comments that I shant repeat. But I'm sure you can imagine the sort of hatred and slurs a transfem would receive. having testament's redesign be clearly, much much more feminine isn't necessarily a bad thing- in fact i dont think its bad. again... being nb doesnt mean someone has to look any certain way. but testament isnt a real person. testament is a character designed by people. how would people have reacted if Testament was more masculine, but they still came out and said they were nb? The poses, the voice... it was all the same but Testament wasn't clearly much more fem? the way nb feels like something only allowed to more fem presenting people i guess makes me a bit concerned. go to any post about testament and look at the comments. its all "SEXY MOMMY THIGHS THEY SLAYIN" type shit. testament p much never received this attention beforehand. testament was also just... not as popular as other chars such as brisket who received the majority of attention in this way.

where am i going with this... idk. in a way, i have a lot of not clear thoughts and no where to put them. again maybe its just because i saw testament as gender goals before strive. and as someone that is nb but wants to be more masc it makes me a bit upset. there is absolutely a pattern of what is acceptable for a nb person to look like(especially when you are transfem), and i guess it just sucks that it happened to testament who i thought was perfect in the beginning. ngl i do also miss their edgier parts also. they def moved away from edgy to a fancy/posh vibe. testament's scythe used to be made of their own blood, and they'd cut off their body parts and remove skin for attacks. i can, obviously accept that this can be a reflection of them growing as a person and no longer self harming now that they are happy... or maybe it was too hard to animate in 3D... teehee....

this walk cycle literally cannot be beat it is the best.

i wanna be them so bad again tho i wanna reiterate. testament is my #1 fave guilty gear char forever i love them. this will not change. i just have many thots and feelings

#literally this post is super long #if you wanna see my autism rant feel free to click

[borom1r]

ace attorney asks!! (I'm sorry you're having a night,, I hope it doesn't stay that way ❤❤) ummm I would actually love to hear if you have any side/case-specific characters you're fond of and why!! & if you'd like smth more specific, I would love to hear abt either maya + miles bestie-isms or maybe how you think franziska & phoenix's relationship is after he and miles are officially together!!!

I feel like this is sooo obvious but Jake Marshal!! also Ron and Dessie DeLite!

idk that I have a lot of specific Thoughts abt them but they were all rlly standout characters to me

I also enjoyed Hugh and Robin, actually— Robin is so transfem to me. in my heart of hearts she’s trans 💞

there r honestly so many characters I wld love to see Come Back who like, obviously Won’t but still. Godot I am biting u soso much. this is not coherent im sorry but I would rlly truly genuinely love a prequel focusing on Mia n Diego like pleeeeeeease!!! PLEASE!!!!!!! give Mia her own game for realsies it’s what she deserves 😩

+ like OUGH. Maya Miles bestie hours.. I think, particularly early on wrt him n Phoenix reconnecting, he can be.. not more GENUINE per se, but he certainly puts less pressure on himself to try and hit some like. ideal the way he does w Phoenix. and not even necessarily consciously, but like, Maya doesn’t have this idealized childhood savior version of him propped up in her head.

and this is like, Me Projecting bc hey I can do that :3 but I’ve started trying 2 like. give myself more space to actually BE nonverbal when im overstimulated instead of forcing myself to maintain verbal communication— and I think Maya knows sign language from her childhood with Mia (Mia figuring out quickly that it was a good way for them to communicate if/when Maya went non-verbal— and Mia probably being the only person she felt comfortable signing with bc, well, she’s so bubbly and outgoing and really, she can’t POSSIBLY be non-verbal, they all know the moment she TRIES she’ll be talking their ears off!! So Maya forces herself to talk around the adults and signed with Mia).

and her recognizing overstimulation in Miles before he’s even really giving himself the space to recognize it himself— coming over to annoy him because he NEVER visits Phoenix and she gets it but she MISSES him and… stopping when she sees the way his shoulders hunch and his fingers clench around his pen and he’s staring pointedly at the papers on his desk because he’s been TRYING to focus, trying to force himself to function like a NORMAL adult (except not really; he’s aiming for Von Karma standards whether he wants to admit it or not and that’s not exactly normal). Maya gently tapping the desk to get him to look and signing, and the mixture of relief and sheer confusion when he realizes she’s providing accommodations he’d never admit to needing while also having absolutely no idea what she just said.

That first evening passes with Maya signing while speaking softly, and Miles writing his responses on a spare notepad, but slowly he learns more and more from her until he’s practically fluent too— they can spend a whole evening conversing about the chaos of the legal world and the equally chaotic reworks to Steel Samurai lore without ever saying a word out loud, and those are moments Miles always treasures

(and, when Phoenix stops him one night when he’s particularly overstimulated, clumsily signing “it’s okay, Maya’s teaching me” Miles feels so grateful to know her that he could, possibly, cry. He admits to nothing, but he does text her that she’s his favorite person in the world. She quickly responds “we both know that’s actually Nick, but ily2 ^u^” and it’s definitely one of those moments where it hits him that he Has A Family Now, For The First Time In Years)

ALSO Maya feels very much like the kind of person to say “I love you” very liberally. Especially because of how young she lost Mia + feeling like she didn’t let her sister know enough, even if her feelings are complicated. so I’m sure you can imagine the sort of (very hushed) gossip that goes around whenever people catch Maya leaving (Miles giving her a one armed hug and unable to stop himself from smiling a little even as he TRIES to glower intimidatingly at his subordinates while Maya exclaims “okay BYE Mr. Edgeworth LOVE YOU!! Good luck in court, you better come to game night!!!”)

(he does, of course, come to game night)

(Maya has definitely channeled a spirit to win at LEAST twice and they have yet to decide if it counts as cheating or not since technically it’s not looking up an answer!! but also it is kinda looking up an answer.)

+ lastly ok I’ve probs talked abt this before but I do like the idea that they maintain the sort of silly rivalry they start with but more in a “if you turn my brother into even MORE of a fool you WILL face my wrath, Phoenix Wright” “pffft yeah right, Maya will never let you live it down if you break out the whip at dinner on Saturday” “…I will exact my revenge in other, more subtle ways.”

She sends him a Top Ten Scariest Things Caught On Camera compilation at three in the morning one night (thank you different time zones, she loves being in a different time zone) and he texts back “I hate you >:(“ but they are both laughing. There’s no one he would trust to take care of Maya more than her and there’s no one she would trust to care for Miles more than him.

Also I’ve DEF talked abt it from Phoenix’s POV (texting her at night to confirm Maya’s safe when he has nightmares about her being kidnapped/in danger) but Franziska ABSOLUTELY texts him every now and then like “Miles is there?” and Phoenix knows she would never outright admit to either him or Miles how much Miles’ “death” affected her. Asking if he’s there (safe, nearby, a phone call away) is as close they’ll get — Phoenix always responds as soon as he can (“yep, we’re making dinner!” or “he’s at his office, I’ll see him in forty minutes for lunch” or “he and Maya have a coffee date, you can double check with her but I wouldn’t wanna interrupt their Steel Samurai gossip session”)

She doesn’t always respond, but Phoenix gets it, and he’s always happy to let her know— he’s okay just getting a one-word (or sometimes one letter, if it’s super late for her) response about Maya, but he knows she needs more detail to put her mind at ease (Evidence is key, after all; you can’t build a perfect case without all the information) and he’s happy to provide

They definitely all have dinner together once a week (either just the four of them out at a restaurant, or their entire “family” at one of their houses— Miles and Phoenix, Trucy, Maya and Franziska, Klavier and Apollo, Pearl, Kay, Emma, Athena and Juniper, Simon if he’s feeling up to group interactions, Gumshoe and Maggie if they’re in town, even Larry sometimes). It gets hectic and usually they only get EVERYONE together for holidays, but all of them spent so long with nothing, losing everyone they loved, that having such an ABUNDANCE of connection really is something for them to revel in.

#ask #TY BESTIEEE

[oops-prow-did-it-again]

lol Im sorry I know I’ve been kinda reblogging a lot of discourse-y stuff lately, but idk, there’s something on my mind lately, and I’d appreciate some other people getting to see my thoughts. Today, my mind settled on, “How can t*rfs, r*dfems, or other people aligning with them believe that me or my partner are abusive - or being abused - without ever hearing what either of us have to say?”

I’ve just had a lot of Thoughts on t*rf nonsense and rhetoric ever since realizing I was trans (and most likely gay), me realizing I’m actually pan and that I only felt discomfort with anything other than ‘gay’ bc of fear of being misgendered and dysphoria, then my girlfriend realizing she was trans...

I see a lot of t*rfs acting like trans people are gonna force cis people (women, ofc, bc they couldn’t give a shit less what happens to men) to have sex with them and like...

i just wanna talk about what happened with me and my partner. I realized I was trans, I told my partner (she went by he/him pronouns at the time). She was shocked and, as she was undergoing a lot of stress at the time and the relationship was long distance, she was uncertain. She took some time to process it and ultimately said she would accept me, though she seemed apprehensive of me undergoing medical transitioning in the future. This kind of hurt, but I assumed she needed time - only to realize later she fundamentally misunderstood how things worked. We fought. We fought, because she had seemed onboard until she learned that other things might happen, aside from me getting a bigger clit and a somewhat more masc appearance.

But you know what?

We talked about it....

Shocker, huh?

We talked. We had an objective conversation, after emotions had calmed, about whether we still wanted this relationship. We did. So we talked more. She came to understand that being trans didn’t make me suddenly a new person, I was still me, and just wanted to experiment with gender presentation. SHE decided that SHE WANTED to continue the relationship with me, after I asked her objectively, if she did not want it to continue.

And you know what?

She realized that maybe her appreciation for feminine features, her envy for many women, may not be simple attraction. As I talked more about my dysphoric experience, she realized it sounded painfully familiar.

And when she was having these thoughts, we talked.

It started with her testing occasional feminine pronouns (the bigender label), before fully realizing she was binary transfem.

It.... it honestly saddens me, do... do people not think they can talk to their partners? If you feel you can’t talk to your partner about stuff like this... Then I’m sorry, but you might need to try working at trusting one another more, at being open to harder discussions.

Me and my girlfriend may have fought, but we never, EVER resulted to physical blows, name-calling, or anything else. We had some heated discussion over the topic at hand - more like a passionate debate than anything - but nobody was ever directly insulted. These harsher discussions lasted two days, with discussions after - while occasionally tense - never rising to anger again.

We love one another. I love her. I love her for HER... I certainly appreciate her body, but god, that’s not why I started hanging out with her? I don’t ever get to know someone specifically because they’re ‘hot.’ I thought she was funny. I thought she was captivating. I thought she was introspective, engaging, and fun. I still think she’s all of those things and so much more. She’s beautiful, in the way her personality melds with the comfortable, soft familiarity of her body, but I’m not there for just her body.

Changing how she looks will not make me love her less, it never has, and it never will. We had candid discussions, and realized she felt the same about me.

It.. it hurts so much to think there are people that think I am abusing her, or worse, that she’s abusing me, when they don’t know either of us - or our story - from Adam. It also makes me so angry that people would rather project their own insecurities and faulty looks on relationships onto perfect strangers, with such patronizing ideology, since they believe they just know so much better...

How can you know what’s better for us when you won’t even listen to us?

#non pokemon #discourse #prow talks #transgender #transmasc #transfem #spilled thoughts #genitals #genitals tw #genitals m #genitals mention #queer

[frostops]

I have some thoughts about how FGO has handled trans and trans-adjacent characters, and I’m frustrated how many people talk about the mishandlings without discussing the transmisogyny in it, but this is long as fuck, so its under the cut.

Its a good thing that FGO is having more characters with the genderless trait who aren’t given that trait for shitty reasons, but framing this as FGO being better at handling nonbinary characters, while technically true, ignores what caused many of the early issues. That cause is often transmisogyny.

Transmisogyny has been an issue in the game since Da Vinci’s introduction. Da Vinci doesn’t have the genderless trait, but she’s still important to discuss to understand FGO’s mishandling of trans characters. Mash and Romani are both angry at the idea of Leonardo Da Vinci not being a man, and call her a pervert, among other things. This is immediately after both find out King Arthur was actually a woman, but neither seemed to care then. Its understood by the writing that some believed to be a man turning out to actually be a cis woman isn’t deserving of malice, but that person turning out to be a trans woman is. The writing surrounding Da Vinci slowly got better, with characters being less shitty about and eventually respecting her gender. While Da Vinci initially describes herself as beyond gender, she says so in response to Roman and Mash’s reaction to her gender, where as whenever she is referred to as a woman (Lancelot saying he couldn’t hurt a beautiful women in Camelot, Napoleon calling her mademoiselle in LB2), she eats it up. Her early description of being beyond gender feels more like a tongue-in-cheek way of degendering a trans woman. While overall the writing treats Da Vinci better now, there are still times where it gets shitty, even as recent as the event where Van Gogh was introduced, where Hokusai talks about both Da Vinci and Van Gogh having an inherent maleness that bleeds into their art. This event did have a guest writer, but it was still allowed into the game.

The first character to have the genderless trait is D’Eon. Historically, D’Eon was intersex and trans feminine, and very likely a trans woman, but the fate version is introduced saying they were crazy in life, intended to be in reference to how they presented their gender. They are also presented as caring more about loyalty to France than what gender they are seen as, when the real D’Eon blackmailed the king into legally recognizing them as a woman. Transmisogyny, as well as intersexism, is pretty obviously what made Type-Moon take reduce D’Eon to just jokes about gender. D’Eon feels degendered in way similar to how Da Vinci is at time, though D’Eon gets it worse

Astolfo debuted in Apocrypha, where their presentation is used for a joke where Jeanne, believing Astolfo to be a girl, freaks out when she sees that Astolfo has a penis. The joke is that it is such a horrible thing to find a penis on some you think is a girl. I shouldn’t need to explain the transmisogyny behind that, or that Astolfo ostensibly not being a trans woman doesn’t make the joke less transmisogynistic. There are other, better things about Astolfo in Apocrypha, but most of their writing in FGO is in the same vein as the joke with Jeanne. This is crystalized in Agartha, where both Astolfo and D’Eon were used for many transmisogynistic, intersexist, and homophobic jokes. 

The third, and for a long time last, character to have the genderless trait was Enkidu. They are given this trait due to changes to their myth. In Fate, Enkidu is made of clay, and had a nonhuman appearance until meeting Shamhat, and modeling their appearance after her. They don’t have a physical sex, but, due to originally being a male character and appearing feminine in fate, the writers and fans alike treat them similarly to how they treat Astolfo and D’Eon, though less aggressively. Usually when Enkidu appears in a fate work, one character has to talk about how they can’t tell whether Enkidu is a man or a woman, before settling on neither, but only reach that conclusion because they don’t have a physical sex. The transmisogyny isn’t as strong in Enkidu’s writing, but its still there.

Until LB3, no other character would be given the genderless trait, and what all 3 of them have in common is being AMAB or originally male characters who present femininely. Technically Da Vinci fits this description as well, but her body is considered female by Type-Moon’s standards, so she gets the female trait. Also, with the exception of Astolfo, have bodies that wouldn’t considered male of female by most people. In Deon’s case, this is the result of intersexism, and even more frustrating when you remember that D’Eon blackmailed the king to be seen as a woman. I’d wager the reason Astolfo is grouped with the other two is itself a continuation of the joke from Apocrypha. It’s a coy “We all know what Astolfo’s ‘real’ gender is, but we’ll play along with the joke.” 

I think this also explains other characters who, arguably, could be included in the genderless trait, but were not. Nezha, like Da Vinci, only got a “female” body after dying, so they get the female trait too, despite not really being comfortable with any gender labels. Mordred, who consistently gets violently angry at being called a woman, and whose bio states that they don’t like being referred to as a man either (though this wouldn’t be implemented into writing until LB3, where they are clearly far less bothered by being referred to as man) also  has the female trait. King Hassan’s bio has his gender listed as “?????” but he is treated as male by the game and has the male trait.

None of the newer genderless servants fit the same description of amab/originally male and presenting femininely, which does show a more nuanced understanding of gender identity and expression, but it doesn’t show anymore respect towards trans women and transfems. Both Shi Huang Di and Douman have somewhat androgynous presentations, but we still don’t really have trans fem character whose gender and presentation is treated respectfully other than Da Vinci, and that’s frustrating. For the most part, though, these characters are all pretty well handled. 

Two of them, Mao Nobu and Romulus-Quirinus, are new versions of characters who already had the female and male trait respectively, meaning the game has at least someone moved away from equating the genderless trait to a character’s physical sex, but not entirely since part of the reason Shi Huang Di has the trait is their inability to reproduce.

There is some disagreement about how Caenis is handled, and I do have thoughts on that topic, but if I talked about that this would be twice as long. The short version is that the necessity to make characters fit into fanservice, something which negatively affects all of the characters I mention here, limits the ways in which Caenis’s relationship to their gender can be explored. Its also why we have Caenis and not Caenus, and why Caenis is rarely allowed to where a shirt.

There is also Dioscuri, who is two characters, one man and one woman, who are collectively on servant, so even though they have the genderless trait, they're not really relevant.

We do have more originally male characters now in female bodies. Vritra and Van Gogh, who were added recently (Vritra’s bio says she was originally male and now has a female vessel and Van Gogh is Vincent Van Gogh in Clytie’s body), Kama, an originally male deity possessing Sakura’s body, is being added to NA this year, and even back in part 1 we had Quetzalcoatl, another male god in a female vessel. All of them are given the female trait, and Quetz in particular seems to be very comfortable being a woman, but this still feels like what happened with Nezha, where the “physically female” body matters more than the identity of the character, especially with Van Gogh, who had no choice in being put in Clytie’s body. 

Mechanically, the gender traits only affect certain skills and nps, having extra or stronger effects. The genderless servants are exempt from the extra effects, with one exception. Once of Blackbeard’s skills has an effect for female servants, but D’Eon and Astolfo (And maybe also Enkidu, but I don’t remember) were included in this effect as well. The joke here was that Blackbeard is written to be reflective of  the worst qualities of weebs and otakus. many of whom would refer to those two as traps, a transmisogynistic slur, so Blackbeard is into them in the same way. Servants with the genderless trait added afterwards weren’t included in this effect, even though some of them (the ones who transphobic fate fans consider to be women) would still be seen as attractive by Blackbeard. So rather than coding each one individually to be included, they added a new trait, the female looking trait, for Blackbeard’s skill. The genderless servants included in this one all present feminine, but the inclusion of this trait is to make continuing a transphobic joke easier, which almost feels like a step back from some of the previous progress in handling trans characters.

I also think some people are a little too eager to give FGO credit when it may not deserve. For instance, a lot of people liked Douman being included in the genderless trait, and on its own it fine, but the my room line where Sei talks about trying to check under Douman’s robes concerns me. Many people took it as Sei just being horny for Douman, but it could easily be intended as Sei trying to check what’s really in his pants, especially since the canon reason Douman has the genderless trait is that he combined himself with some spirits and deities, one of which is female.

None of this is to say its wrong to view any of these characters as nonbinary (I do view most of them as nonbinary), but I don’t think we should view the genderless trait as equivalent to nonbinary. Not only are there characters included in it who probably shouldn’t be (like D’Eon) and characters who don’t have it who probably should (like Nezha), doing so treat nonbinary as a third and wholly separate gender. And if you’re going to talk about the transphobia of FGO, please be willing to use the word transmisogyny.

#transmisogyny #transphobia #fate grand order #fate/go

[axemetaphor]

im definitely not ripping off my friend by making a list of au ideas i have no siree //gonna slap this under a readmore cause i. well i say a lot. all of the time. i tried so hard to format this Good but tumblr fucked me up i am so sorry

so first-off i know i already have one WIP AU (Auckland) on ao3 so i wont talk about That one cause like. spoilers. i actualyl have it like 80% created so its likely gonna truly get finished for once and i dont wanna ruin shit

the other one ive posted about is something me and ben (catgirlrepublic) have worked on together its not at all close to done or anything but it's. a fun little crossover. Between jdate and my fuckinuhm. Original characters story “Untitled Villains Project”. the sketches of the comic version ive started is actually my pinned post 👉👈 its like the first chunk of the story, i think half of part 1? yea.

Tldr john fucking Somehow is able t oget into contact with a certain curious scientist from another reality who’d just love to study the Soy Sauce, most certainly not for her own nefarious purposes

John and Dave meet up with the scientist, her name is Boss, and her lab assistant, Toxic, and after a bit of a preliminary Vibe Check where john determines her trustworthy (which Dave doesnt agree with,) the two agree to be taken to the world UVP is set in. from there they stay in Boss’s lab (big old fucking abandoned military lab). John and Toxic are fast friends due to mutual love-of-chaos. John n Dave get to fuckin, camp out on an air mattress.

The day after they arrive, the two get split up, not exactly intentionally; big plot points of UVP are liek. Fueled by Boss sending Toxic to go fetch her “research materials,” which are usually important artifacts

Fuckin side note i guess i have to explain my dumb bullshit: Boss’s, uh, field of expertise so to speak is actually fckin, basically the scientific study of magic and superpowers n shit like that. This shit’s all real in that world. Toxic’s got fuckin superpowers, so do 4 other main characters, whatever. It’s got a bit to do with spirituality, iss Boss’s hypothesis. So she has Toxic fetch important artifacts that might have “energies” to them. The thing is actually way more fuckin complictated than that, this is just Boss’s initial hypothesis.

Motherfucking anyways. So Boss gives Toxic a job to do, and John get excited about how Cool that sounds, and ends up going with Toxic, leaving Boss and Dave alone. Neither is thrilled about this. But Dave and Boss get to have a bit of conversation (while Toxic and John are off bonding and having a good time) and come to a… mutual grudging understanding of some kind. They still dont like each other though lmao

Theres gonna be deeper shit going on but we havent sorted it out yet/tbh havent like Written For It in a while but i still like thinking about it a lot lol

Also pretty sure our endgame is john and dave steal toxic and bring them back with em lmao boss is kind of not nice and toxic would most certainly be better off in Undisclosed. Actually theyd fucking love it. Theyd become a local cryptid im sure. Undisclosed’s mothman is a teleporting spike baby.

I have. Another crossover AU that i might. Post something about for halloween? Maybe? If i have it finished?

Crosses over into, you guessed it, another one of my original-character projects. God, am i vain or something?

I promise this is just because i think blue and dave should get to team up to beat up some monsters

Quick briefing on my fuckinuh. Original character story, this one doesnt have a name (yet? Idk lol my work never actually goes anywhere sso who gives a shit). It centers around two grim reapers, Red (26, bi woman) and Blue (22, aroace agender asshole). In this reality or whatever, grim reapers function kind of like low-level office workers. They get told who’s going to die + when by some middle-management types, and upper management only involve themselves when punishment needs to be doled out. These Higher-Ups can be seen as analogous to Korrok; they’re decidedly not human, never were, and fucking terrifyingly powerful. Additionally, grim reapers are sort of .. designed to be “background noise” people. In reality theyre supernatural beings and, uh, look Real Fuckin Weird (the whole deal has a neon aesthetic im terrible at drawing uwu) but most humans just perceive them like extras in a movie. A body’s there but the camera’s not focused on it.

To the narrative: the shit starts when Red n Blue get relocated to Undisclosed. Relocation is something that just happens every now and then to reapers; they usually work in teams, but they get split up into different cities to avoid any strong bonds forming (a counter-union strategy from the Higher-Ups).

Red, Blue, John and Dave end up running into each other for the first time in a McDonalds where John n Dave are getting some 4am “hey, we just survived another horrific monster fight” celebration burgers. John and Dave are the only two people who can see how… strange Red and Blue are. Nobody else notices.

John unintentionally pisses Blue off, leading to Blue whacking him upside the head with a dildo bat. They all four get kicked out of McDonald’s. Dave and Red both are less than thrilled

Blue and John end up resolving their differences, somehow. Red and Dave briefly bond over their dumbass best friends being, well, dumbasses. They all part ways amicably.

somehow-or-other (idk yet) they end up running into each other a few more times, and eventually john invites them over to his place, and the four (plus Amy now!) get to know each other a little better

while there, Blue gets a text about some guy who's gonna die and John offers to drive them to where that's gonna go down. they take him up on the offer and get to have a bit of one-on-one conversation

after that ordeal though Blue has had Enough of people and bails, leaving John to head home alone

theres a sort of mirror-development going on with the five of em. Red, John, and Amy would all like everyone to get along, though theyre a bit tentative about it (John moreso than the other two, actually, jsut cause. well Red n Blue could still be Sauce Monsters). Dave and Blue on the other hand do Not like people enough for this shit, and Dave's not unconvinced theyre Sauce Monsters. he will not trust them until proven he should

the story's kinda nebulous but i got an idea for some Shit going down that involves both Sauce Monsters and also the Higher-Ups to have some fuckin absolute chaos go down.

Oops! All Trans

Everybody is transgender. Everyone

Ive actually workshopped this one both with ben (catgirlrepublic) and ghost (ghost-wannabe) lmao its a fun lil concept ive had from the get-go cause i mean. What’s an internet tran gonna do other than hit all their favourite media with the Everyone’s Trans beam

Dave transitioned post-high school and faked his death for it. People go missing in Undisclosed all the damned time, after all. He moved to the next city over, transitioned fully, then came back as a completely new man. Yes i know this doesnt exactly fit with the “everyone knows David from high school” thing alright, hush.

Anytime anyone brings up John’s old best friend (pre-transition Dave) John throws an entire fit like an overdramatic grieving widow. Full-on sobbing “why would you bring her up?! I miss her so much—” to the point that people just stop bringing up because Jesus Christ That Sure Is Uncomfortable KJHGFDS.

This is a scheme he and Dave came up with prior to Dave leaving, though Dave hadnt exactly anticipated John putting on this much of a performance about it— but it’s stopped Dave from ever having tto hear his deadname again, so hey.

Amy transitioned sometime in middle school/early high school. Her family was super supportive and loved her a ton and most people just know her as Amy. she was super shy her whole life really so. Yeah. people just dont think to bring it up lmao also i Feel Like big jim would absolutely wallop anyone who gave her trouble of any kind

John’s nonbinary (genderfluid specifically) and not exactly Interested in transitioning ? like hes fine with how he is. mostly.

he came out to Dave in high school but hes not out to anyone else exactly. Maybe his bandmates. Probably any other trans person in Undisclosed knows, too, cause theyre safe to tell lmao. Johns mostly a “he/him out of convenience” kinda nb who’s cool with any pronouns but does prefer they/them most. Dave and Amy use they/them when the trio are alone

Also this is a totally self-indulgent caveat that i think would be great, Dave’s actually agender but because he's transmasc and transitioned when he thought there were really only two options, and being Boy at least felt less weird than being Girl, he just kind of assumed he was a dude. It’s only through a lot of (like fucking years and years hes probably in his 30s/40s when he puts 2 and 2 together on this one) talks about gender with John that he realizes he actually feels like No Gender. Masc aesthetic with none gender.

I Just Think It’d Be Neat Is All Okay

Also Amy came out to Dave about being trans early on in them seeing each other and his response was to get very nervous before blurting out “me too” and then just being too embarrassed to talk about it for the rest of the day. Hes got a lot of hangups on talking about it actually it takes years for him to get comfortable in that

by contrast when Amy comes out to John about it his response is to yell “EYYY ME TOO” and give her a big ol hug lmao

I think itd be neatt if Amy ran a like. Transfem help/advice blog on tumblr. Kind of helped-with by John who can give her transfem nb insight for certain asks. I also just think that would be neat.

Cowboy AU - i put this one last cause its got drawings to it actually. Theyll be at the bottom

Basically just. Hey you ever watched a western. I think they look neat

This is another one me n ben have come up with lol

The soy sauce and all that shit still exist, im not sure where korrok fits in yet but ill figure it out

Theres no real like solid narrative yet ? but heres the barebones of everybody’s arcs.

John

Johns an absolute troublemaker, Of Course. Hes wanted in several towns for absolutely stupid shit. Hes a loner who shows up, causes chaos, gets drunk, does some drugs, runs away if people get too mad at him

He definitely had the same kind of deal with the soy sauce as in canon— he was at some kind of party, somebody offered it, he took it cause why the fuck wouldnt he, now he can see monsters and shit

Hes kind of a mooch also. Like. dont let him stay in your barn man he’ll never fucking leave and drink all your booze.

He runs into Dave when they happen to just, cross paths in the same town. the bullshit John stirs up ends up involving Dave in a way that makes it seem like it's his fault too, and they both get run out of town

after that he just tags along after Dave. hes decided this guy's Cool he wants to stick around. Dave is pissed at first, but not enough to shoot him or anything, and eventually, John grows on him

Dave

Dave also is a loner but unlike John hes simply so fucking awkward and bad with people. He doesnt feel like he belongs anywhere so he just travels

He’s the stereotypical Lone Ranger tbh. He wanders from town to town, solving their problems, though hed deny its out of any moral obligation (it kinda is, a little bit, tbh. He does like feeling useful). He shows up, fixes things, leaves. He's kind of a legend but most people think he's hiding something dark. other people jsut know him as that guy who farted real loud in the middle of the saloon and promptly skipped town out of sheer embarrassment. you know how it goes with Dave

He ends up involved with the Soy Sauce when a snake (not Actually a snake,) bites him. The snake’s more like the wig-monsters, really. Anyway, it injects him with the soy sauce, he fucking trips balls in the middle of the desert, he can see monsters now

He runs into John and shit goes tits-up, as said, but they become traveling buddies after that. he'd never say so, but he's glad for the company, actually. it's nice. hes not used to companionship but he feels a strange kind of easiness hanging out with John....

not sure how the Monster Dave concept will like fit in to this reality but like. trust me i want it in here. I'll Figure It Out.

Amy

Amy’s been living in a town John and Dave end up passing through and she is very curious about these two new Handsome Strangers who claim to fight monsters and just kinda. Persistently tags along til they let her join for real

Her family’s all dead, unfortunately, just like in canon, and she’s been living alone for a few years before meeting John n Dave. she had nothing left in that town to stay for, she'd been fantasizing about escaping on wild adventures for a long time and this felt a little like a dream come true. (Dave still gives her a spiel about how Difficult it is, but really, her fantasies were pretty grounded-in-reality already. i jsut think thats how she is, yknow?)

Shes the first person to react to the whole “we see monsters” shit with a kind of “oh, okay. neat” kind of response lmao

John and Dave fix whatever the fuck is up with her town (maybe that’s where the Korrok shit can fit, who knows) and Amy ends up being integral to that. After, she insists they take her with them because “they need her now” and Dave just cant really say no. John too is very much "the more the merrier!" and hes actually glad to have another person along he loves people lmao

At the start she has long hair but after she joins them she chops it short with a knife for convenience

also she still is an amputee. justt. idk. it was a wagon/stagecoach accident rather than a car accident lmao. just to clarify since i hadnt mentioned it, i wouldnt rob her of her ghost hand or yknow. all of the significance to her character that Missing A Hand has. although also now im going to have to research what was used as painkillers way-back-when, but im betting shes still got, like, her pain pills, they probably had those, maybe i wouldnt have to try too hard there. old timey medicine could be WACK though,

Shitload

Yeah hes in tthis shit mostly cause i liked designing his cowboy self lmao

Hes a kid (like 16, 17, technically i think in those days that was more Young Man than Kid but whatever. Hes Young i mean.) who got possessed by the Worms out in the desert and, by his family’s perception, just went missing!

Hes also a wanderer, but he ended up at the same town john and dave met in, at that same time, and starts following them after, already aware of who/what they are.

He keeps his face covered 24/7. actually he covers a Majority of his self for reasons. kinda want him to be a slightly more horrifying Worm Entity rather than human idk,

I kinda dont have much for this boy yet sorry Shitload

images !

with some editing notes for me cause im doing a very specific aesthetic with this lmao. i might change some lil details/colours though ...... idk

im also kinda 🤔 about shitload's colour palette. i want things assoicated w the sauce to be black'n'red predominantly but i think his palette might mirror dave's too closely. also im working on a korrok design i jsut am too busy to draw it now

#jdate #john dies at the end #aus #erh. tthe hell do i tag this as #rambles.txt #long post #well let me know if youd wanna hear more or. or something #send an ask. or whatever #yaknow #:jazz hands:

[lilyhoshikawa]

🎥🎶💕🏳‍🌈💎 for hunters perhaps? >:3c

Oh golly! Ok fndkfnfn let me do this then. This may be difficult-

🎥: Do you have any favorite scenes from your hyperfixation?

This is hard bc I have a lot of scenes I like and good scenes keep happening dhdjfn.

There are a lot of stand-outs so far. Among them is definitely like, the confrontation in the car between Blake and Sakio, and the recent social link scene with Blake and Lena on the boat.

Scenes that DON’T involve my own character that I adore include. The scene with Sakio and Camellia at the graveyard. The scene with with Lena and Twitch outside the store. The Sammy’s scene where they read Tango’s letter. Also the scene with Sammy and Masumi bc it was just extremely funny.

🎶: If your hyperfixation has songs / an OST, what is your favorite song from it?

Hm. Well time once again to advertise my Blake playlist, which I’m constantly putting a lot of work and thought into tbh dhjddb, I’ve deleted a fair number of songs from it when I feel they don’t fit, and I’m constantly messing with the order of the songs in relation to Blake’s prospective characters arc, and adding more as I find them fndkfnf I’m always on the lookout.

Also, vane is constantly updating the official playlist with some real bangers, and I appreciate that. Amil’s and Twitch’s themes are real good.

💕: Tell us about one of your favorite characters and why you like them!

Everybody has really really good characters, heck. One thing that strikes me is that even with taking the backseat and having to be on autopilot for several sessions, Camellia still has such a strong and distinct personality, to the point where everyone is on the same page abt them, and I think that’s just really amazing dhdjfjf, that’s how strong an impression they make every time they’re around.

Lena is also so good, she’s like… I think abt her frequently. Sometimes I just start giggling when I think abt Lena, bc she is a national treasure, and I hope she knows I care abt her. She’s great in this way that she’s both very funny/cute and also has a lot of depth and nuance to her arc, and I’m so excited for more.

In the same vein, Sammy. No one character has made me go from giggling to sobbing as fast as this green goat. One moment Sammy is making their cat do a little greeting and I’m rolling on the floor from the cuteness, and then the next second they’re crying and saying they don’t want to be left behind, and then I am also crying. How do they do it. The absolute range.

I also really appreciate Ilse like, particularly in contrast to Blake sometimes, in that Ilse is very smart in a way that’s quiet, self-conscious and careful, while Blake is at times recklessly arrogant, and those two bounce off each other well. Ilse feels mature at times but every time they quietly like, try to be the bigger person, or to not make a problem of themselves, I wanna give them a hug and be like “u deserve to be recognized and acknowledged and u deserve better” dhdjdndjdn. When u have big personalities like Sakio and Lena and Blake in the party there’s something compelling abt Ilse being with them and not asserting themselves as they try to do their best, if that makes sense, and I want them to know I see and appreciate them.

Sakio is also so good and I’ve talked abt this to vane plenty before but holy shit. There’s so much obvious care and love and effort and skill that went into writing a character who is both wrong in many ways, and who many player characters antagonize for good reason, and yet still so incredibly sympathetic, so likable and so compelling. The fact that both Blake and Lena have this relationship with Sakio where they don’t like or trust her, necessarily, but also can’t deal with her not being there, is so fucking good, it creates such powerful conflict in the smallest of ways. Sakio is great bc I love her and I understand her and I appreciate her, but I also wanna yell at her and think she is absolutely horribly wrong about incredibly crucial things and u can FEEL that turmoil in her as well, with her knowing on some level that her actions are going to cause harm, and she’s just waiting and hoping to take the fall, thinking, maybe foolishly, that she can, and that doing so will save everyone else.

I also fucking love so many minor characters we haven’t seen much of so far. I absolutely love Bee and I’ve told vane abt this but she’s just a total icon. Theo is also great, he is the only valid he/him in the entire campaign djdkfj. I love Twitch as well and I’m very excited for some of the interesting stuff in Twitch’s arc that has been hinted at coming to fruition later on, that’s very exciting. I’m also very excited to learn more abt Amil’s whole deal, I appreciate them a lot and I feel bad every time I have to make Blake come pester them fndkfnf. Oh also Prim, how did I forget Prim… what’s going on with her, I have no idea, but she’s a mean lady and my love for mean ladies is well-documented. Also her look is iconic. Also also Puck, the fact that he’s a child and I didn’t know it for several months shocked me to my core but it has made his brand of Shakespearean mischief that much more endearing, and now I seek only to give him snacks and let him sit in his funny garbage throne. I forgot abt Puck earlier so I’ll say he is the second valid he/him in the campaign but frankly I think Puck should take some neopronouns for a spin, he deserves it.

🏳️‍🌈: Do you have any headcanons (LGBT, race, neuro, etc.) that are important to you?

(*throws neurological disorders at Blake*) jdkdnfkf no but jokes aside. I love that this party is like, 5 player characters, 4 of whom use they/them. Just. The raw power of a persona series written by LGBT+ ppl…

I can’t speak on other ppl’s characters too much but as for Blake, they’re a closeted transfem and also too much of a disaster for a coherent sexuality but probably bi. Autistic, and an abuse survivor who experiences paranoid delusions and self-destructive tendencies. Probably more, but specifics are messy, they’re a fucking mess, what’s going on with them, they don’t even know.

Masumi is a binary trans lesbian, also an abuse survivor and manages quite a bit of paranoia of her own, dealing with mood swings and occasional delusions of grandeur, most of it she keeps internally managed which isn’t great for her mental health.

💎: Are there any fun facts or trivia that you would like to share?

Blake’s original characterization was thought up prior to the campaign and was very different from their finished characterization. They lived on a farm with their parents and were pretty quiet and passive before being arrested for a murder they didn’t commit (this part is the same) and their personality was way more quiet, reserved and passive, with the whole celebrity aspect completely absent. They were still going to be the sort of clever leader type character but leaned far more into the background. Their design was also different, with their hair in a low ponytail rather than high and scars on their face from scrapes and accidents working on the farm.

I realized that, even though this character was more of an original idea than Masumi (who I was playing in another campaign at the time and who was characterized somewhat differently as well) I didn’t find myself excited to write them, couldn’t get invested in them in the same way, and as I kept workshopping them I decided to be more self-indulgent and lean more into shamelessly making them an Akechi expy in more ways.

And what resulted from that, ironically, is what I feel is a better character in the end. Blake feels more dynamic, lively and interesting now than the old iteration I first thought up, back when I was intent on making them My Own Creation with their own arc. At this point I’m comfortable saying that Blake, for all their similarities to Akechi, has evolved over the course of the campaign into a more interesting character, into someone I recognize as distinctly different and who stands out. They feel unique to me, and feel like my own character. And I think that only could’ve happened through playing them in a TTRPG like this, in developing them along with others, and having to adapt, and I think that’s the beautiful thing about developing characters with other people. The Blake I’ve ended up with is one I’m really happy with, who I feel is more interesting and dynamic to me than if I had just tried to force something unique just to not feel cringe about making an expy. And maybe I need to learn that lesson before I go through the same thing with Zee fjdkfnf.

#meme response #myosotis horizon #rambles #the hunters

[demonsonthemoon]

Keep Shelter (Behind Glass About to Crack)

Fandom: Supernatural Pairing: Sam Winchester/Charlie Bradbury Word Count: 7474 Rating: M Summary: ~ “Don't leave.” ~ After their encounter with the Musca, Sam and Charlie stop at a motel for a night. They share a room, a bed, and some of their deepest fears. Notes: Title is from "Monster Town" by Go! Child, a song I am quite frankly obsessed with. Notes on the pairing: Remember when Apocalypseverse!Charlie asks of OG!Charlie and Dean had a thing and then says "good for her" about OG!Charlie being a lesbian? That line gave me brainrot. It led to me starting to ship Sam/Charlie, but only ever in two specific ways, which are AV!Charlie being bisexual and/or Sam being transfem. This fic is mostly the former, with very discreet hints of the latter peppered in for taste.

Read it on AO3.

“Don't leave.”

The amount of emotion Sam puts behind those two words surprises even him. It's only after they leave his lips that he realizes how much meaning there is behind them. Don't go away. Don't leave me alone. Don't die don't die don't die-

He keeps speaking, out of instinct, out of self-preservation, doesn't know what he's saying, exactly, until he's halfway through his tirade trying to convince Charlie that to keep hunting is worth it. Trying to convinced himself, still, after so many years. (Years after Jess, years after Amelia, years after the Trials, after going to his knees in front of Dean and Death and so many other times when he had accepted his own end only to be thrown back into a hunter's life again.) He watches Charlie's face, desperate for an answer that might justify his own choices or free him from them.

“I'll think about staying,” Charlie replies and her smile isn't all real but it's not all fake either and there is something blooming in Sam's chest that threatens to make him choke on petals.

They drive in silence for a while.

Sam can't stop looking back at Charlie, and he knows she's noticed. He turns away, tries to focus on the scenery, but it's too dark to see much and his gaze settles on his companion once again.

“Do I still have fly goo on my face or something?”

Sam shakes his head, embarrassed. “No. No. You're fine.”

Charlie sighs. “I know you miss her. It's okay, you know.”

Sam runs a hand across his face. “I do miss her. But you don't have to indulge me, you know? I was kind of shitty, before, saying that stuff about her and Dean... It's not your baggage to bear. It's not fair.”

“Yeah well. Not much that's fair in this world or mine.”

More silence, broken up by Charlie this time.

“Weren't you close?”

Sam frowned. “What?”

“You and the other me. You talked about her-and-Dean, but not about her-and-you. Weren't you close?”

“I don't know,” Sam shrugged. “I mean, we were but... not as much.”

He'd always liked Charlie. He'd gotten on well with her. But Dean was the one that she had immediately clicked with, and Dean had been... She'd been good for him. He'd been freer around her than he was with almost anyone, and Sam hadn't wanted to intrude on that. He hadn't wanted to force anything, had thought that he would have more time, that he could build something with Charlie in a gradual manner.

That plan had been cut short after her death. (After he'd dragged her into his mess, because it was his fault that she-)

“It's a shame,” Charlie says, when it appears that Sam won't be providing any additional information.

Sam stares at her.

“What? I like you.”

“I like you too,” Sam replies, inanely. Still, Charlie seems pleased to hear it.

And it's true. He does like her. This Charlie, not just the memory of the old one. Her edges are more jagged, sometimes a little cruel, and she doesn't smile as carefreely as her other self, but she still shares a lot of the things that drew Sam to the other Charlie in the first place. She's smart and nerdy and more comfortable in her body than Sam thinks he ever will be, although the way she has of showing it is far more lethal than the other Charlie's. She's pretty, too. And there's another thing that hasn't changed between one Charlie and the next: Sam can't help but find himself attracted to her, and he still feels uncomfortable and ashamed about it.

He's fine with Charlie being a lesbian. Obviously. He doesn't think her being a lesbian has anything to do with him being attracted to her, because that would just be... no. So maybe the shame is irrational, but it's still there, just like his attraction. Unwieldy, an imposition.

Sam doesn't say anything else.

It starts raining. Not lightly either, but the kind of rain that would drown out the radio if they had put it on, the kind that makes Charlie's pickup truck shake slightly. The visibility becomes non-existent, and Sam can see Charlie clench her steering wheel.

“We should stop at a motel for the night. You can drop me off in Lebanon tomorrow.”

“Are you sure?” Charlie asks, but she's already scouring the side of the road for signs of a place to stay.

“Yeah. I'm pretty tired anyway.”

“From all the sitting around that we did?” Charlie asks with a smirk.

Sam shrugs. He's not about to say that he's worried about the fall that Charlie took when they found the Musca, fairly certain she'll shrug off his concern even more aggressively than Dean usually does.

They pull into the first motel they find, the rain still pouring down over them. It seems like a decent enough place. Sam is halfway out of the truck before he realizes that Charlie isn't moving. He sits back down.

“You okay?”

Charlie is worrying her lower lip slightly, but she smiles as she turns towards him. “Yeah. I'm fine. Got a question for you though.”

“Yeah?” He's already half-soaked from the two seconds he spent outside the vehicle, but waits for Charlie to speak anyway.

“Do you wanna share a room?”

Sam doesn't exactly know what he'd expected, but certainly not that. He searches Charlie's face, trying to decypher the exact meaning behind those words. She might just be suggesting that they share a room to save on money, or so that they'd both feel safer, or-

But she meets Sam's gaze and raises an eyebrow.

“I-” Sam starts, then stops.

“I mean, no offense taken if you're not in the mood. I did rant at you about losing the love of my life two hours ago, I know that can be a downer for some people. But I like you so... offer's there.”

Sam's brain goes to static for a second.

“I thought you were a lesbian.”

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, he wants to lay is face on the dashboard and never look up.

Charlie chuckles. “I think your Charlie was a lot stricter in her preferences than I am.”

The admonishment stings because, yes, once more Sam had just assumed. Assumed he knows the person next to him because he'd known someone who looked like her.

“Sorry.”

Charlie shrugs. “Proud bi girl with a preference for women. Trust me, you're not the first one to make the mistake.” The set of her shoulders harden, and then she's moving, pocketing the car keys and opening her door. “Come on, let's get our rooms already.”

“Charlie, wait!” They're both standing in the rain, immediately drenched. Sam feels silly and awkward and like this really isn't the right time to do this, but he had wasted time once, with the other Charlie, and he's not going to do it again. “We can share a room.”

“Yeah?” The grin that takes over her face is so warm that he immediately thinks of the other Charlie. But that isn't fair to either of them.

“We could even share a bed.”

She laughs at that. Sam finds himself grinning in return. Then Charlie offers him her hand with a flourish and he only feels half-ridiculous when he takes it.

They step into the motel room – generic but clean – and Sam drops his bag at the foot of the king-sized bed. He just stands there, clenching and unclenching his hands.

It's been a while since he's felt so nervous about sex. Despite Dean's incessant jokes about him being a virgin, he's usually pretty confident in bed. But being here with Charlie throws him off a little. Especially this Charlie, which he's constantly reminded he doesn't actually know that well.

“Heads up,” Charlie calls. He looks up, and she throws something at him.

A flask. Yeah, he can see why the old Charlie clicked so well with Dean.

He untwists the cap and takes a sip. Charlie is apparently a rhum kind of person. Another thing he didn't know.

“We don't have to do anything, you know. You look nervous.”

Sam takes another sip of alcohol, then goes to sit on the bed, close to Charlie so he can hand her the flask back.

“I guess I am.”

Charlie considers him a second. “Still hung up on the lesbian thing? Or is it because of the old Charlie?”

“The old Charlie?”

“Well, you didn't hesitate that much after my invitation, so I figure you might have thought about it. With her. Despite the lesbian thing.”

Sam blushes. Childishly, he lets himself fall backwards onto the bed, staring at the ceiling instead of at his friend's face.

“Come on, don't be like that. I know it's weird, but weird is our life. I can handle it.”

Sam sighs, closes his eyes. She's not wrong. Weird is their life.

“Sure, I thought about it. I liked Charlie, and you're pretty. She was too.”

Charlie tosses off her shoes and lies down on her side, looking at him.

“Never seriously, though. It wouldn't have happened, with her. I was fine with that. I guess I'm kind of weirded out that it's happening with you.”

“If you want to. It's not because we have this big bed that we have to fuck in it. We could just have a sleepover. Braid each other's hair.”

She means it, too. Sam can see it in her eyes. She'd be just as happy to spend the night chatting and sleeping. Might even be better off that way. Sam doesn't think there was a lot of time for that sort of things in the Apocalypse world.

But he's selfish, and Charlie was the one to offer so...

So he turns on his side as well, scoots over a little, and kisses her.

It's sweet, and soft, and probably not what either of them really wants, but it's what they want to want and that's enough.

They break away. There is the slightest twinkle in Charlie's eyes and Sam feels himself glow with the pride of putting it there.

“Or we can do that,” Charlie says, jokingly.

There's a question there, though. The same question that is always on Sam's lips in moments like these. Can we have this? Do we deserve it?

He closes his eyes. This isn't going to work if all they want from each other is reassurance. They're both too terrified to give it.

Charlie runs a hand through his hair.

“You know, I really don't think I'm a fly monster. The musca, he left his community because he didn't fit in, right?”

Sam makes an assenting noise, though he doesn't move.

“I could fit in in the bunker. With the other hunters.”

With you, Charlie doesn't say, although the words could have easily filled the second of silence at the end of her sentence. This isn't that kind of night, theirs isn't that kind of relationship. Sam knows that.

“I think that's why I wanted to leave. I'm scared that if I stay I'll never be more than what the war made of me.”

Sam nods in assent. He has no word of comfort to offer, too conscious of having taken that exact same path.

He used to dream of other things, after all. Used to dream with enough force that he actually attempted to change his fate, first in Stanford, then in Kermit. But that second time was already only a poor attempt, he'd felt too conscious of the fact he was lying to himself.

He's a hunter now, or a Man of Letter, or maybe something in between, the balance his mom and dad never got to strike finally established.

This is what fighting has made of him, and it is too late now to regret it.

He's also Dean's brother, first and foremost, always, and he's done pretending that that doesn't at least partly rule the shape that his life takes.

That love is tangled in the war, and too often the two are indistinguishable. Once again, Sam is tired of wasting his time regretting it.

“I'm not going to lie and say that this life doesn't change you,” Sam says. “But it's never going to be all you are.”

Charlie runs a hand through his hair again. Sam closes his eyes without meaning to.

“I know how to fight, Sam. You don't need to reassure me. You don't need to pretend you're not scared.”

He buries his face in her shoulder, smelling sweat and monster goo and not caring one bit. This is the smell of a body that has been lived-in. It is the smell of a body that is safe.

Yes, Sam is scared.

He had to be a leader to the refugees from Charlie's world, and he's trying to be some kind of role model to Jack. It doesn't leave a lot of space for vulnerability. It doesn't leave a lot of time to deal with all the people he's lost over the years, all the ones he's found again in not-quite-right ways, the multiple lives he's lived and all the deaths he's been through.

He knows that the universe can throw so much more at him still. It hasn't stopped in 33 years, after all.

Of course he's scared shitless.

Still, right now, they're safe. Right now, they're together. They're alive and the rain is still pounding on the roof of the motel, shielding them from the rest of the world for a little while.

So Sam breathes through the fear and kisses the junction of Charlie's neck.

“Sometimes things you don't need are still nice,” he whispers against her skin.

She shifts, drawing away enough that they can look at each other. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

He could blame his light-headedness on the sudden changes of mood they keep going through, but he's pretty sure that it's actually Charlie. She pushes against him until he's on his back, straddling his thighs and grinning.

Sam is still wearing his shoes and socks, and he tries to kick them off without changing position before admitting defeat. Charlie laughs with him as they move to let him undress. He takes off his jeans and shirt too, feeling freer now that the wet fabric isn't clinging to his skin.

She undresses as well, until they're both standing in their underwear, the air hitting their humid skin a little too coldly to be entirely pleasurable.

“Come on, Princess, back on the bed.”

“I thought you were the queenly one,” Sam starts before wincing. “Sorry, wrong Charlie.”

She pushes him back against the bed until they fiund their position from earlier again, Charlie hovering above him. “So I was a queen, uh?”

Not you, Sam thinks, his brain running in frustrated loops as it keeps confusing the woman in front of him with that in his memory.

“Yeah, you were. In Moondoor.”

“Moondoor?”

Right. This Charlie had never run away from Roman Enterprises, so she'd never started playing Moondoor.

“Yeah. It was a LARP-game. Pretty awesome.”

“You larped?” Charlie asks with a chuckle, clearly finding the thought outrageous. Sam doesn't know how they managed to get side-tracked so easily, although he doesn't mind it much.

“I can get my nerd on. When I find the time.”

Her gaze softens at that. Sam guesses that she is very familiar with that struggle. He imagines there weren't a lot of opportunities to play role-playing games when she was fighting for her life in a militia.

Then the spark in Charlie's eyes turn to mirth.

“Well, now you can get this nerd off.”

He stares at her for a second as his brain catches up with the horrible, horrible pun. Then he wraps his arms around Charlie, pulling her on top of him so he can bury his laughter in her hair. Charlie indulges him, giggling a little herself. The vibrations in their chest echo in the other's body and it's nice. It's nice and easy and Sam is breathless with the power of it.

Once he has regained a semblance of composure, Sam puts his hands on either sides of Charlie's head and pulls her in for a kiss. He lets her set the rhythm of it, lets her drive him out of his head, lets her weight press him into the mattress so that it becomes the only place he could think of being.

Sam wishes it could be simpler than this. He wishes he could ask less of the woman on top of him.

But they both carry their trauma right behind their teeth, and Sam was pretty bad at controlling the intensity of his feelings before he even went to hell.

It's good that he's doing this with Charlie. She does her best to lighten the mood, but does not begrudge Sam for the way his hands scrabble at her skin, for how he sometimes grips just a little too tight, afraid that she might slip right between his fingers, scared that she might come too close.

Sam touches her and tries to breathe, and at some point he has his fingers between her legs and her mouth is right next to his ear, and Sam shivers as she says his name.

“Do you really think we have time for teasing?” Charlie asks before nipping at his jaw, biting at his skin like she can somehow get inside of him. Sam doesn't think he would let her. He hopes he wouldn't.

But it still feels nice to pretend, it feels nice to act like the barrier between their bodies is porous, like they are both more than the weight of their own past.

Sam lets Charlie take charge, closing her hand around Sam's fingers and guiding two of them inside her. She's wet, slick enough that he breaches the ring of her muscles without much resistance, feeling her clench around him as she gets used to the intrusion.

Sam looks up at her, staring at her openly since her eyes are closed.

He is a lot more used to being the one taking the lead in bed. For quite a few years now, most women took one look at the size of him and decided that he must enjoy taking charge. And he does, it's never been an issue, not something he felt strongly enough about to even bring it up. But there's something freeing about the way Charlie uses his fingers to get what she wants, how he doesn't have to think about anything, how he can just lie there and know that he's doing enough, because this is what she wants.

Sam moves his thumb so its rubs against Charlie's clit every time she moves her hip, and she groans appreciatively. Her hair falls over Sam like a curtain, still slightly wet from the rain, and Sam feels a sudden urge of jealousy that he hides against her mouth.

“Wanna change this up a little?” Charlie whispers.

There are many things that Sam would do without her needing to ask as sweetly. So he hooks his hands under her arms and flips their position.

Charlie giggles, gripping his shoulders. “You have no idea how much I hoped you would do that.”

Sam grins at her. The admission warms something inside him, the fact that she thought of him, that she imagined this, even if she has had a lot less time to do so than he did.

(Not that Sam let himself imagin much. It hadn't felt right to, with the other Charlie.)

Sam moves down Charlie's body, laying a kiss between her breasts before sitting up a little so he can really focus on putting his fingers back inside of her and taking his time stretching her out. Sam has a lot more control this way, but Charlie still raises her hips to deepen the angle before hooking her legs over his arms, her heels digging into his back just painfully enough to make him gasp a little.

Sam hasn't touched himself since this started, and he can definitely feel it. His arousal is a tightly-wound coil in his gut, and he is all too aware of the fact that his new position makes it much harder for him to rut against anything or get any other type of friction.

He gets another finger inside Charlie, watches her arch her back into his touch as she searches for the best position to accommodate him. She is so open in her reactions, wholly immersed in her simple search for pleasure, and Sam drinks that in like he might lap at an unexpected stream in the middle of a desert.

His body has never been an easy place to live in, even before Lucifer, before he knew he had demon blood flowing through his veins. It didn't mean he never managed to open himself up. He found a way to do it with Jess, even though it was far from perfect, too many secrets between them that she was unaware off. He tried to make it work with Amelia, patching a relationship together from broken pieces, always surprised when they found a way to fit.

But even then, there were secrets. Secrets have always been his way of life. It was what he had been taught, from childhood, when he realized that for years his father and brother had hid from him what they really meant by “business trip.” At the time, thinking about Dean hiding something from him had felt like a knife carefully sliding between his ribs. Now it fels like just a regular part of breathing.

“I'm ready, come on,” Charlie says, pushing at Sam's hand, snapping him away from his drifting thougts one more. Sam slips his fingers out, and freezes for a second as he realizes he needs a condom. He isn't used to doing this anymore, he didn't think ahead, but then he remembers that he usually has one lying around his toiletry bag, just in case, and suddenly he's glad that the reflex to take his overnight duffel wherever he goes is still ingrained so deep within his body.

He's never been able to settle into having a home, not since Jess' death, and most of the time he's not really happy about it, but in some cases it has its perks.

Like when he needs to run for his life or have sex with a beautiful woman.

“Wait a second, I need to get my bag-”

“Oh, shit, right,” Charlie says, scrabbling upright and blushing. “Didn't... think of that. It's been a while.”

“Since you had sex with a guy?” Sam asks as he rummages through his things. He can't help the note of curiosity in his voice, still isn't used to the idea of Charlie sleeping with men. He doesn't know what he can ask or not, isn't familiar with openly talking about sexual orientation at all. His family hadn't really been big on exploring anything outside of heterosexuality, and although Sam considers himself to be open-minded, he knows there are a lot of things he just doesn't understand.

“Yeah. I mean, also since I had sex period, because seeing my world get destroyed and losing my girlfriend was kind of a mood killer for a long time. Also, barrack beds really aren't that comfortable.”

“You don't say,” Sam says with a soft smile. He gets what Charlie means. H's tried to explain the exact same thing to Dean whenever he insisted that Sam needed to loosen up, to take a break, that sleeping with someone would get him out of his head, that it could only be good for him. It isn't that Dean is wrong, it's just that Sam can't really muster up the desire for sex when he's in a hypervigilant state because of whatever is threatening their lives that week. Hunting is part of who Sam is, down to his deepest core. He'd tried to deny that for a long time, tried to run away from it. But he's old enough now to accept it for what it is. Sam can't turn his fear off, even for just one night, because being afraid is what has kept him alive against all odds for so long. It doesn't mean he's letting the fear run his life. He still makes his own decisions, he still finds ways to mitigate the anxiety (by going for runs, mostly). He's still in control. The fact that that control doesn't extend to much beside his own body isn't sad. It's just how his life works.

When he's ready to climb back on the bed, feeling pretty victorious about the condom in his hand, Charlie is sitting up against the headboard, two fingers casually rubbing against her clit. It's a sight that makes Sam's insides ache with want. She holds herself so confidently, the edges of the fighter eased away by the darkness around them, and she makes it seem all so easy. Charlie – whichever one of them – has always looked like she knows herself in the way that Sam envies without clearly knowing why.

“What?” Charlie asks, challenging his gaze. “I wasn't just going to lie there and wait.”

“Wouldn't have even thought of suggesting such a thing,” Sam replies. He sits on the edge of the bed, feeling awkward about turning away from her, but it's just more convenient as he tears open the foil package and rolls the condom onto himself carefully.

When he turns once more, Charlie is looking at him, a small smile on her face, and there is a current coursing between their eyes that makes Sam's hair rise up on his skin, makes his mouth water, makes him hungry in a way he doesn't know whether he likes about himself.

“So, how do you wanna do this, Princess?” Charlie asks. He doesn't know where the nickname comes from, what she means by it. Part of him thinks he should be irritated by it, like he is when Dean call hims Samantha, the insinuation of something negative hiding just behind the joke. But it doesn't feel the same, the way Charlie says it. It's not meant to hurt, not meant as a jab. It's easy, like the rest of this has been. It's affectionate. There's something about the way she doesn't question her use of it that makes him wonder if she knows something he doesn't. If this is one of the things that his family has never taught him to speak about.

“However you want,” Sam says. He's not feeling like calling the shots right now, not with Charlie, not with how simple it seems for her to ask.

She thinks about it for a second, while Sam runs a hand over his cock, the touch electric as he remember that he hasn't been touched yet tonight, that the pleasure coursing through his skin is all just from touching her.

“Get down here,” Charlie replies, gesturing to the mattress, and they both shuffle to switch place, so Sam is the one against the headboard and Charlie can spread her thighs on either side of his hips and hover above him. “Been a while since I did it like this, too,” she says, and Sam puts his hands under her thighs to help support some of her weight, can't help but stare at the way his fingers splay out, under and around her.

Charlie has one hand on the headboard, right next to Sam's head, and one hand between her legs, three fingers fitting inside her easily, making sure she's still stretched out enough.

Sam holds his breath.

She lowers herself onto him, and Sam would say that it feels like a revelation except he's been trying to ban religious vocabulary from his life. He's met God and wasn't much impressed. This feels a lot better than that, profane and real and something he can both hold onto and drown in.

He's careful, so careful, letting her go slow, refraining from bucking up into her. It is delicious and agonizing, even more so when Charlie lets out a little sigh, shifting up then down again, accepting the whole of him inside her with what sounds like relief.

Sam lets out a whine, closing his eyes and flushing in embarrassment. He doesn't know how it got so intense, doesn't think he should let it go on like this, has no idea how he can let Charlie go after this. He doesn't know how he can bear the thought that she might leave forever, even after their conversation in the truck earlier.

Except this is too much, and Sam knows he will ruin the moment if he tries to cage it between his fingers. He knows his strength and how easy it has always been for him to kill everything he's ever loved. So he's not going to let this be anything like love, because it isn't. It's just two desperate people who need each other, in the absence of anyone else willing to look the cracks of their souls head on. It's two bodies finding a way to make the world more bearable, fighting to survive in it. It is two human beings that were just reminded of how easily loneliness can make a monster out of someone, and who are struggling not to let themselves fall into that trap.

It's Charlie raising herself up again, the walls of her vagina clenching and unclenching around Sam, the slow drag of her disarming in the intensity of it.

Charlie sinks back down, one hand now on Sam's shoulder, clenching unconsciously as she moves. He looks up into her eyes, notices her already staring and wonders what she sees, what she's feeling, if this is too much for her too, so much more than he'd bargained for when he had agreed to share her room.

Sam groans, and his hips rock up without him meaning too. Charlie just smirks, rotating her pelvis as she seeks out an angle she likes, and then she's moving up and down with intent, mouth falling slightly open. Sam can't bear the sight of that and so he surges up, takes her lower lip between his own and sucks, swallows a little sound of surprise, the neediness with which Charlie kisses back. He fucks up into her once more, and she presses into him, a sound rumbling in her throat almost like a purr. The hand that was on his shoulder moves to the nape of his neck, settling into his hair and pulling just enough that Sam feels his scalp tingle as he raises his chin.

“You don't have to take care of me,” Charlie whispers into his ear. There's something dark in the way she says it, a reminder that has some danger to it even though it stays away from being a threat.

Sam has many words on the tip of his tongue, wants to tell her that he doesn't have to but still wants to, wants to tell her that it's not because something will not break that you should handle it with no care, wants to show her that he can still be soft despite the calluses on his fingers from handling too many guns, wants to make sure she knows she deserves something sweet despite the scars littering her skin.

But Sam is weak. This is something that he has accepted, just like he has accepted being scared. In the face of all that the world requires of him, Sam will always be weak. It is part of what makes him human and so Sam lets the truth of it sink within his bones along with the Enochian sigils Castiel carved out so many years ago, and he lets himself be anchored by it.

So he listens to Charlie, uses the strength in his arms to push her up and bring her down, snapping his hips in the same rhythm, going deep, going hard. And Charlie keeps her hand in his hair, bites down on his lip, moves right along with him.

Maybe it's better this way. Maybe they both need tenderness too much for it to fit within this one night.

They find a rhythm and an angle that satisfy the both of them, and at that point they're not so much kissing as pouring hungry noises into one another's mouth. It's not in any way dignified, but it's good, it's mind-blowing and right in all the wrong ways.

Sam doesn't last. He's dismayed at the fact but not altogether surprised, and he brings a hand to Charlie's clit as feels his balls draw tight, hoping to bring her as close to the edge as he can while he start coming inside her, hips stuttering out of rhythm.

She laughs against his mouth, breathless and pleased instead of mocking. Sam closes his eyes as he chases the last overwhelming ripple of his orgasm, before he is forced to stop his movements, too sensitive to take any more.

Charlie is still rocking against his fingers, tiny jerks of her hips as she chases her own pleasure. So Sam slips out of her, replaces his cock with the fingers of his other hand. There is a moment when Charlie seems like she is about to fall, her muscles protesting the absence of Sam's hands to take some of her weight. Time seems to slow down as they teeter on that edge right before equilibrium is lost. But Charlie catches herself, takes control of her own body like Sam knows she had learned to do well before the Apocalypse, because her other self had acted the same way before Sam and Dean had intruded into her life.

(Sam his surprised to realize he no longer thinks of the old Charlie as his Charlie. It had never been fair, because she hadn't been his, just like the woman above him isn't, but that hadn't stopped his brain from latching onto the word. He is glad to be letting it go now, to set free the memory of a woman who died too soon, too much alone, and who did not deserve to be held down by the weight of Sam's guilt.)

Still, although Charlie has learned to rely on herself and protect herself from most threats, she shouldn't always have to. So Sam ignores her half-hearted protest when he takes his hands away and pushes her gently to her side. He ties off and discards his condom before lying back down and turning to face her. The way they're looking at each other could easily be too much if they talked about it. So Sam goes back to work, fingers slipping inside Charlie easily as she moves one leg to make more way. The angle probably isn't the best for her, and Sam couldn't keep it up very long without his wrist protesting, but with two fingers inside her, two against her clit, and Sam's mouth peppering kisses over the juncture of her neck, Charlie is shaking apart in a matter of minutes.

Sam looks at her face as she comes, watches her features tighten then go slack as her muscles give in to the wave of sensations. He waits until her pelvis twitches away from him before he gently pulls his hands away, his fingers slick from her arousal and the smell of sex hanging heavily in the air. Sam is tempted to just wipe his fingers on the bedsheet, but he knows they still have to sleep here. He grimaces and stands up, going into the tiny en-suite bathroom so he can rinse his hands at the sink, and gets a washcloth while he's at it.

“I do feel like a queen now,” Charlie says, lazily content as Sam carefully wipes away any trace of their activities from her inner thighs.

“I'm happy to be a service,” Sam replies. It's meant to be a quip, but comes out a little too honest, and something softens even more in Charlie's gaze.

Sam wonders what she thinks of him. He's used to feeling protective of her, the rookie hunter, the one he tried to protect from how brutal the world could really be. The other Charlie hadn't really warranted that attitude either, at least not after what happened to her in Oz. This one deserves it even less.

He wonders if she thinks of him as the one to be protected. After all, Sam has done and seen many things, but he has always had a world to fight for. Charlie hadn't been fighting for much more than survival, back where she came from.

She threads her hands in his hair again and, yeah, Sam can admit that this is part of the reason he keeps it long, he's not above that. She pulls carefully enough that Sam doesn't feel any real pain but is still forced to move up her body, letting the washcloth fall to the floor so he can put one hand on her cheek as he kisses her.

He's a bit surprised that she wants him to, because this once again feels like more than they had bargained for. This is just supposed to be one night of sex, just a pleasurable moment shared between their bodies. It's not supposed to mean anything.

“Stop thinking,” Charlie admonishes with a chuckle. “This is nice. Let yourself enjoy it.”

“I just...”

“We're friends, Sam. It's okay to cuddle a bit after sex.”

She uses a tone like she's talking to a four-year old, and Sam can't help but laugh at that, at this woman so much younger than him and yet who has so much to teach.

“Right.”

Sam moves away, but only so he can settle on his side and bring her close against his chest. Charlie does a little wiggle to make sure there isn't any space separating them and Sam sighs out all of the tension left in him.

They stay quiet for a long time, each lost in their thoughts.

In another life, they might have fallen asleep like this, but neither of them can find slumber that easily.

“I'm not like the fly monster,” Charlie says, cutting through the moment. It's strange how talking makes Sam a lot more aware of their respective nakedness.

He hums agreement, deep in his throat. They've already had this conversation.

“If I leave. I keep thinking about the musca and how it left its people behind. How the legends say it only happens to the bad eggs or whatever.” She moves away from his arms, and Sam lets her. Luckily, she only turns to face him, staring at him from eye level for once. “That's not what's happening here. I'm not leaving people behind because I'm bad.”

“Of course not. Charlie, if what I said made you think-”

“No, it's not you,” she shakes her head. “I know you didn't mean it like that. I mean... I mean that I've been fighting for a long time, now. I thought I had lost everything I could lose, and I kept going. And then I lost my entire damn universe, if you can believe that.” She chuckles darkly.

Sam doesn't feel like laughing. He would like for her to still be in his arms so he could just hold her tighter instead of having to find the words to comfort her.

“And I came here, and we all just kept fighting. Because it felt like all we had, like all we could do, I guess. This isn't our world. I think a part of us will always believe that we don't belong. So maybe hunting is how we find a place, is the way we earn our right to stubbornly cling to our survival.” She grimaces. “Fuck. I guess the fly monster metaphor does kind of work, in the end. Because maybe it didn't want to leave, maybe it didn't do anything to be cast out, maybe that thing just felt, in its bones or its exoskeleten or whatever, it felt that it didn't belong. So it left, and then it did everything it needed to to try and carve itself a place in a world that never felt like his.”

“Charlie...”

He tries to reach for her face, but she catches his fingers in hers, stopping him. He's bracing to be pushed away, but Charlie just lays their hands between their bodies, keeping them entwined.

“I'm not done. What I mean is, if I'm the musca, it's not for leaving. It's for getting here in the first place. It's for clinging to the fight, to the rules of that other world. I think I want to learn how to belong, Sam. I think I want to learn what it feels like to own my own life, to feel like I have something to protect.”

She looks at him, and there is something searching in her gaze, a question on the tip of her tongue.

But Sam knows Charlie, or a version of her anyway, and he knows that she isn't asking him to come with her. They don't have that kind of relationship. So he waits her out.

“You know you could still do it, right?”

And yeah, that line has been run through so many times that Sam should have expected. It certainly shouldn't have come like a slap to the face.

Sam closes his eyes and turns away, lying on his back.

He tries to tell himself that she doesn't really know him, doesn't know how many times he's tried, doesn't know how deep the hunt runs in him, how it sticks to every pore of his skin. But of course she knows him. This is why she's saying this. Because she see the places where they match, and Charlie has never looked at something broken and not given it a shot to fix it.

That is how the other version of her had started hunting, after all. That is how Sam and his brother had gotten her killed.

“Maybe,” Sam says to the ceiling. “I've tried before. It's always felt like running away to me.”

“What would be so wrong with running away from a life that's slowly killing you and everyone you love?”

There is so much bitterness in her voice. Sam hasn't been paying enough attention, if this is how she truly feels. He hasn't suspected, and how much of a leader can he call himself if something so big flies completely under his radar? He's been working himself sick trying to run the bunker and help everyone in it, trying to make a different, trying to let them be a part of something good, but if this is what they think, what result does he have to hold up to the light as he tries to fall asleep?

Sam doesn't want to feed the resentment in his friend, especially not in this moment that was meant to be sweet. He doesn't want to keep circling back to the dark thoughts he's had a thousand times before. He has made peace with his life, although it is not a peaceful one.

And this does not mean he begrudges Charlie for her desire. He could not and will not, because there is nothing more natural for him than the visceral feeling of wanting out. He does not want to see her leave. He will miss her, the other refugees will miss her, and the hunting world will miss her. But that shouldn't influence her decision.

“There's nothing wrong with it.” Sam doesn't turn to look at her, afraid that something on his features might betray his words. “There's nothing wrong with you,” he adds, because they were talking about the musca, at some point, that was the crux of the matter.

Maybe that's why she can take that decision and he can't, Sam thinks, ever unkind with himself. He doesn't say it aloud, because putting those kinds of thoughts into words give them power.

Instead, he finally shifts to his side again.

Charlie has her right arm folded under her head, bright red hair splayed over the pillow. She's still entirely naked, just like him, lying on top of the covers. It seems incongruous right now, in the context of this conversation. The motel room is warm, but they should probably still put on some clothes. There is both sweat and rain still drying on their skin.

Charlie looks beautiful and Sam knows about love and about letting go. And this isn't that kind of love, but he still cares about her. She makes that easy.

“There's nothing wrong with you,” he says, looking her in the eye, hoping that his features might reveal the depth of that truth, for once.

#Meeni writes fics #SamCharlie #Sam x charlie #Charlie Bradbury #Sam Winchester #hello I am in rarepair hell #also I am sorry for all the people looking for perks of being a wallflower content who have to deal with the likes of me #you are very brave