#this is how I cope with feelings that are so big they start to bleed out of me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bouncybongfairy · 4 months

Text

SugarFreeze

Felix Catton x Fem Reader

Summary: With finals coming up in the next couple of weeks, your relationship with Oliver was falling apart. After spending 5 hours in the library, you run into Felix; who has a dangerous amount of jealousy over your relationship with Oliver. Needing to take this anger out on something, he decides your pussy is the best option.

Word Count: 2.0k

T/W: Hate fucking, Sadism kink, Blood kink. Shout out to @kaionyx who's blog I used as reference!

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Finals were only a couple weeks away and everyone was feeling the stress. Things with Oliver have been stressful and depleting to say the least. He’s been secluding himself due to the stress of finals. You’d been reaching out but it’s like trying to save someone while drowning yourself. Lacking the energy to fight for proper communication the relationship needed to thrive, you’d given up. Taking up the mindset of ‘if he wanted to, he would’ was helping you cope… kinda, not really. You've been studying in the library for almost five hours now, the only reason you stopped is because the librarian locking up for the night. The sun began setting but there was still light outside. You were currently re-reading the Ernesto Quiñonez novel that you’d be analyzing in your English class for the final. Annotating along the way, sticky notes poking out in every direction. Looking back, walking while having your nose buried into a book wasn’t the best idea. Which led to accidentally bumping into someone, sending you stumbling back and the book dropping into a puddle. Scrambling to pick it up, you open the pages and examine the now ruined sticky notes. The pen ink immediately starts to bleed, your eyes swell with tears. Devastated by hours of work, subject to water damage and having no control over it. You looked up to see who was responsible for ruining your day and saw none other than Felix.

“Sorry about that,” he said, taking a drag off his cigarette.

“It’s whatever,” you huffed, holding back your resentment and anger.

You did not like Felix, you’d never confront Oliver about this but you were sure they had some type of sexual tension between them. That wasn’t what irritated you, if they had a thing in the past that’s completely fine. However, there were times when you felt like Felix was trying to send you a message. Like when they would get drunk and fight, he would make direct eye contact with you. Sometimes you’d catch them cuddling on the couch or Felix would make sly comments in a ‘joking’ way. He offered you a drag and after the day you had accepted it. Both your dorms were in the same direction and as much as you hated him, it was safer walking back with the company. This led to small talk along the way.

“I don’t know how you’re so relaxed with finals coming up, my minds been in the gutter lately,” you said, taking off your glasses and cleaning them.

“This helps,” he said, pulling out a 12 oz bottle of Everclear 190-proof.

He offered you a drink and at first you declined. Then you looked back down at your book, looking at the notes that were only getting harder to decipher. Grabbing the bottle you took three confident swings and immediately regretted it as your throat and chest began to burn. Not being a big drinker, you felt like the wind got knocked out of you. He of course laughed at you for reacting so outwardly,

“You could barely handle three sips, I'll be taking that,” he said, going to reach for the bottle.

This made you feel like he underestimated you so of course you took a couple more sips. Shivering at the taste and feeling of the alcohol run down your throat. While you grimaced at the taste and stinging sensation, he took a single swig and then capped the bottle. Putting it in the front pocket of his shorts. The only thing you had for breakfast was coffee and a half a bagel and you were starting to regret that. The liquor began to take its effect, that warm feeling in your stomach was starting to spread throughout your body. By the time you got to your dorm, you were giggling and swaying a bit. Felix helps you maintain balance by holding onto your upper arm and letting you lean against him as you walk. Immediately noticing that his grip was tight, like hurting you a bit. Due to you becoming increasingly more intoxicated you didn’t think it was that deep. He was probably just making sure you didn’t lose balance.

“Do you like uh- maybe wanna come in or something?” you asked, trying your very best to sound slightly sober.

“Are you sure?” he asked, still holding your arm as you unlocked the door. His voice sounded sickeningly sweet, leaning up against the door looking down at you. Feeling his breath hit the top of your head made you shiver.

“Yeah is that w-wrong or?” you said starting to feel a bit insecure.

“Oh no, I just want to make sure you’re comfortable,” you just nodded your head in agreement and opened the door; the fact that he sounded so coherent made you nervous.

“I’m gonna use the bathroom and change, do you need or can- are you okay waiting for a second?” you asked, throwing your book onto the desk.

“Take your time, no worries,” a weird feeling began to bubble in your stomach. He was never this nice to you, and his tone almost came off as passive aggressive because of how nice it sounded.

It was when you began to change that you noticed truly how drunk you were. Barely being able to keep balance as you undress. You put on an oversize tee-shirt but as you went to put underwear on, you hesitated. Obviously due to the recent tension in you and Oliver’s relationship, you hadn’t fucked in weeks. You missed that form of stress relief and it was starting to bother you. As much as you disliked Felix, you couldn’t deny how attractive he was. Taking a deep breath you throw the panties into a pile with the rest of the clothes. Checking your appearance in the mirror before walking out. Felix was sitting on the bed, man spreading with his elbows sitting on his knees. When you saw him, your heart started to pound so hard you could feel it in your ears. After examining your appearance, he began to chuckle. This made your face burn from insecurity, you asked him what was so funny and he stood up from the bed before responding.

“You’re a hypocrite,” he said, still laughing.

“What..?” you asked, confused and laughing nervously.

“You’re a whore. Are you actually fooling yourself into believing you invited me in for a platonic visit?” he asked, lighting a joint.

“I don’t- I didn’t..” This wiped the smile right off your face. Your mouth and throat were dry, and your brain couldn’t come up with any coherent sentences. He started walking forwards but you were frozen in place.

“Look at you, half naked and drunk. You look scared, like a bunny about to be taken by a hawk,” he said, smirking while continuing towards you.

“I’m not a whore,” you said, tears again starting to sting your eyes. Now feeling ashamed and intimidated.

“Oh? Oliver has told me some stories that make me think differently. I mean you were just fully dressed and you came back in nothing but a tee-shirt. Flaunting yourself in front of me, in Oliver’s fucking tee-shirt. God you are a piece of work,” he said, at this point he’d backed you against the door.

Every time he drew a breath in, his lower stomach would just barely touch yours. You looked up at him with tears running down your face. Internally panicking, unable to tell if he was angry or horny. The fact that you were turned on by this made you feel like he was right. Like you were too available but that was a nice way of putting it. Feeling extremely cornered you try and push him back with your shaking arm. He didn’t even sway, only chuckled and took the joint out of his mouth. He took the joint out of his mouth and brought it up against your lips.

“I’ve never..” you began to say but he put the crutch between your lips. You take a long drag, just to cough your lungs out after. He found this reaction very amusing, nearly doubling over in laughter. His reaction turned your insecurity and embarrassment into anger.

“You can either fuck me or get the fuck out. Seriously you’re making- pissing me off, fuck do you think t-this is?” you asked, voice cracking a bit again unable to hold back your tears. The inability to hide your emotions was making you feel even more vulnerable. He stood up and walked over to where you were pressed against the door.

“Not until I show you how Oliver should have treated you,” he said, picking you up by your waist and tossing you onto your bed.

He jumped onto the bed and smashed his lips against yours. This might be shameless to admit but you no longer cared about Oliver or exams or anything else. There wasn’t anything that could take you out of this moment, even the indignity that was developing. The kiss was sloppy and wild, both of you nipping and biting at each other's lips. He started kissing down your neck, lifting your shirt above your head. He raked his nails down both of your sides, stopping at your hips where his nails were breaking skin. He sat up on his knees, practically towering over you. Unbuckling his belt and letting his pants fall just past his crotch, exposing himself. You were shaking with anticipation, the look in his eyes was so feral and primal that it scared you slightly. Blood was slowly trickling down your hips for how hard he was gripping. He runs his hands over the scraps, tracing blood up your sides and up to your chest. You were nervous but more excited, unable to control your trembling body. You’d never had a hookup that was so intense and you couldn’t wait for more. He wrapped his blood stained hands around your throat and brought his lips to your ear,

“Not even wearing panties, thinking with your cunt I see,” he growled, tightening his hands. Moving your arms up to his head and tangling your fingers through the strands. The harder you pulled the stronger his grip became, like it was a game. Your chest was starting to burn as black and white dots appeared in your vision. He didn’t release his grip until one of your hands dropped from his hair onto the mattress. As you were trying to catch your breath, he flipped you over so you were laying on your stomach. He crawled on top, rubbing his shaft against your ass, taking in a sharp gasp in, your pulse quickening. Arching your back, trying to press yourself against his length. He grabs a fist full of your hair, so he could whisper into your ear.

“You stuck up little cock whore, tell me you don’t deserve him. I wanna hear you say it,” he grunted, rocking against you. Fat tears ran down your cheeks, you wanted to hang on to the last shred of dignity you had but that seemed to be far gone. You whispered it quietly, practically mumbling, In reaction to this he yanked your hair back further. Making you arch your back and an uncomfortable angle.

“I know you’re fucking stupid but you can hear, I said say it, not whisper into your pillow,” he grunted, you let out a whine and gave into the domination.

“I don’t fucking deserve him!” you cried out in anger and desperation.

He then buried himself inside you. Instead of keeping you arched, he drops his body weight onto you. Using both hands to prop himself up on the mattress, one of them was still tangled in your hair. Keeping your head forced against the mattress. He was pounding into you relentlessly, it wasn’t a gradual build up of speed. Just pure animalistic force, his hip bones were piercing into you from how much passion was behind his thrusts.

“I could tell you needed this, you’re so tight and needy,” he moaned.

Your stomach was hot and all you could feel was burning pleasure against your walls. It felt so shameful to be enjoying being so overstimulated and degraded, at the same time you’d never felt pleasure in this way. He was breathing so heavily above you, it made your skin prickle with goosebumps. Finally letting go of your hair and using your head to prop himself up to his knees. Grabbing you by the hips so that you were in doggie style. He rubbed his hands over your sides again which stung due to the abrasions caused by his nails. Moving his blood covered hands from the hips to your ass. After smacking his cock against your dripping cunt, he lines himself up and presses into you. The immense pleasure coming from being filled made you go braindead. The only thing you could think about was chasing your orgasm. Like you were in an unbreakable trance. He grabs the roach from your bedside table and relights it while maintaining his brutal pace. Watching your ass smack against his thighs every time he bucked into you was driving him crazy. Keeping the joint in his mouth, he starts spanking the bloody handprints he’s left on you just moments before. He could tell you were getting close by how you were spasming around his length. Still keeping you somewhat on your knees, he reaches up with one hand and grabs both of your wrists. He then uses his shins to hold down your legs. After taking one last drag of the joint he presses the cherry into your lower back right as you begin to orgasm. Immediately you began to recoil in pain but even as bad as it burned, you still rode out the orgasm that you’d so desperately been chasing. Pushing your backside up in the air to meet his pounding as he came. After you are finished, let your body go limp as he rides out his climax. Once he was done, he climbed off you and gathered his clothes. By the time he’d made it out the door, you were already passed out.

835 notes · View notes

smoft-demons · 6 days

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Hey, I've been reading your post for a while now andi absolutely love them. Before I got into OM I was already a big D&D person and love fantesty-romance novels. Although, that's besides the point. I was genuinely scared to ask this until I saw your headcanons, there so wholesome<3

But I was wondering if you could do a brothers + the others react to MC getting there period? I was planning on doing it on my own page but I'm a bit scared to publish my own stuff. Although, thank you if you do.

-H.M

Yeah, sure! As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I love writing all the comfort and fluff prompts. It’s like catnip to me lmao

This is gonna be pretty long, so I’m only gonna do the brothers.

Thanks for requesting!! I hope you like it :)

_______

MC is on their period

_______

You’ve been living in the House of Lamentation for a while now. You are, at this point, thoroughly and inextricably part of the family.

As a member of their family, your demons have no problem with helping you out. They can’t help but fawn over you a bit, as well—this wasn’t a familiar problem to them before meeting you, as none of them menstruate. Plus, any human condition of yours that highlights vulnerability and pain on your part makes them all get a tad protective.

In any case, they make sure to be helpful!

_______

Lucifer: responsibility -> rest

With your permission, Lucifer notes your cycle on the calendar he keeps on the kitchen wall. Tactfully, of course. It’s just a little red X in the corner of the box that marks the day you start until the day it ends. It ensures no one in the house forgets to be extra nice to you on those days. Plus, it serves as a way to remind you, in case it sneaks up on you.

In the week leading up to it, he checks up on your stock of human world products (and devildom ones too) for it. Painkillers, chocolate, tea, hygiene products, a heating pad, everything. If you’re running low, he will either take you to get more or take care of it himself, depending on how you’re feeling.

If you’re irregular, he takes extra care with tracking your cycle. Having records is important!

He takes you off the chore rotation while you’re bleeding. He wants you to rest. He will not make you expend your energy on chores while you’re in pain.

If you WANT to take some chores though, he understands and will let you, as long as you don’t make yourself suffer unnecessarily. He understands that some people cope worse with stress, illness, and/or pain when their routine is interrupted and they have no task to distract themself with. He would know! He’s one of them! So if you are too, he won’t force you to give up your tasks.

He does very strictly instruct you not to push yourself, however. You are to let him know immediately if you need to stop, so he or one of his brothers can help you out.

If you want somewhere quiet to hide, he’s got you. His study is a great spot for that! He won’t let anyone else in.

His room is another great spot for that, if you want a softer surface and dimmer lighting. You’re allowed to be in there without him if that ends up working out best (and he hopes you understand the level of trust in you he’s displaying by allowing that), but he has no problem with bringing his work out of the study and into his room if you want his company.

If he’s not on a time crunch, he won’t bother bringing any work with him though. Unless he has reason to expect you to feel guilty for taking up his time, in which case he will bring some and finish it in the room with you and then tell you he’s done for the day.

You end up lying on his bed with him, contorted in whatever weird position makes your cramps hurt the least. It’s the middle of the day, but for once Lucifer doesn’t seem to mind. He’s just lying next to you with his hand splayed over your uterus or lower back, applying light pressure and warmth to help the pain go away. Quietly talking to you about stuff that doesn’t matter.

There’s no concern for productivity. Nor for terrorizing his brothers into order. It seems the key for making Lucifer take a day to just relax is to request his company while you’re in pain.

See, Lucifer’s driving force is how much he loves his family. He will go to ANY lengths to keep them safe and happy. It’s his main priority. You’re part of his family now. You’re the youngest, even… and you’re in pain. So, he’s okay with pushing off the work Diavolo gives him for a day. For you, it’s worth it.

There’s no paperwork in any realm that he would prioritize over comforting you when you’re in pain. He hopes you feel all the love in that sentiment.

You know how huge a declaration that action is, because there is NO other way to get Lucifer to voluntarily lie around in the middle of the day.

_______

Mammon: devotion -> generosity

Mammon was the first one you went to for help during your very first period in the Devildom.

After a short, frantic conversation about what happened to you, why, and how you normally deal with this, he set you up in his room with some towels, a spare set of his own comfortably worn in clothes, and a movie as he rushed out to find some Devildom substitute for the hygiene products you’re used to. Just, SOMETHING to absorb the blood in the meantime before he can get you products from the human world!

He would have gone to the human world immediately, but he’s not allowed and he doesn’t have time to talk Lucifer into letting him up there yet!! You have NOTHING to work with right now, he’s gotta figure something out ASAP!

He didn’t even think about the amount of money he’s willing to spend, or how else he could be using it. He may not have been willing to tell you how much he cares for you at that point, but he has always come through for you when it matters. Even in the early days.

You find yourself contemplating Mammon’s contrasting demeanour while he’s out. This isn’t the first demonstration of his responsible mode that you’ve seen. It’s fascinating, the way he acts so careless and tsundere until someone needs him—at which point he drops that image like it’s nothing, revealing the softhearted and protective big brother he really is.

In those moments, you can see in his personality that he helped raise 5 little brothers (and one Lilith, though you don’t learn about her until later) and is actually pretty damn good at it. It’s clear that he loves you more than he’s willing to admit in those rare moments, when showing it genuinely matters.

Anyway. He came home with an assortment of items for you. No medicine yet because he doesn’t trust that Devildom painkillers won’t harm you, but he brought a BUNCH of snacks, and a collection of things that can be used to absorb the blood for now, until he can get Lucifer to let him go get the stuff you normally use from the human world. You can take your pick.

He even commissioned an enchanter to make you a custom heating pad, because he doesn’t trust the ones meant for demons to not burn your skin. He didn’t think about the price. Frankly, he doesn’t care. Maybe he’ll remember to complain about it to save face later. Maybe.

His main concern—making sure you’re okay—left no room to think of that in that moment. He waves off your concern about bloodstains on the stuff he lent you before he went out. Being reassuring in his usual irreverent way, saying something about how he’s a demon, and demons don’t tend to be squeamish about blood. Hell if he cares, he says.

While you’re in the bathroom washing up and dealing with the bleeding (with a SECOND set of Mammon’s worn-in, comfy clothes that he put in your hands before shoving you into the bathroom, not giving you a second to refuse), Mammon is texting Lucifer to find a way to get you proper period supplies from the human world.

When you come back to him, he tells you that you’ll have what you need before you go to bed, but in the meantime you should sit, because he’s putting on another movie.

He watches you shift around uncomfortably over the next few minutes. Cramps, you know. You’re not exactly comfortable sitting the way you are. Without a word, he pulls you to lie down with your head resting on his leg. He’s looking away from you, indistinctly mumbling something about “so lucky I’m lookin’ after ya” and “what would ya do without the great Mammon” and “MY human, damn it” as he carefully rubs tension out of your back.

“What was that?” You ask him.

“Shut up an’ watch the damn movie!” He splutters.

You stay like that until Lucifer shows up with your requested items. Pads, tampons, a menstrual cup, painkillers, whatever it is you asked for.

Later that night, as Mammon persists in rubbing your back as another movie plays, you find that your trust in him is stronger than it has ever been before. You understand exactly why Mammon is the best demon to be in charge of your well-being. Lucifer chose him for a reason, and it’s impossible to miss. Mammon is so damn caring under the tsundere façade.

You feel so loved. You ARE so loved. The pain fades away under the warmth of his hands. His lap makes a good pillow, and Mammon makes a great guardian.

(Every month after this, he leaves his door open for you in case you want a distraction from the pain. He’s ready with snacks and a movie. He’ll happily do this for you every time.)

_______

Levi: passion -> gentleness

Whatever it is that Levi notices first—be it the blood, the worse mood, the regular time spent with Mammon every month—he freaks out. He’s like “AAAAWTF WHY ARE YOU BLEEDING ARE YOU DYING???” Or like “oh noooo are you mad at me why are you randomly sad do you hate me now??” Or like “why can’t you reschedule with Mammon and do this time limited event with me, do you not wanna play with me anymore???”

Either way, bro is suffering.

Eventually, either you or one of his older brothers explains to him, and he feels bad. He didn’t mean to stress you out worse! Also, periods are real?? He thought it was just some creative plot point in the occasional anime! That’s crazy, why are humans built like that??

Anyway. Levi’s nothing if not passionate, and he’s gonna turn some of that passion towards finding ways to make you more comfortable.

He will find a way to order all the human world snacks you crave while you’re bleeding. He will be on the lookout for gifts, like games and merch and manga you’d want. He stockpiles them so he always has something ready to cheer you up when you need that.

He will even do his best to redirect the envy he feels towards Mammon and his established routine of movies and snacks in his room with you lying in his lap and getting free back rubs on the first day of your period each month. He wants that to be him, damn it! But he’s not gonna disrupt that for you.

He WILL claim hanging out with you on your day 2 though, AND will fill in every time if Mammon’s not available. The only thing that can beat out his shyness at the idea of having you using his lap as a pillow is the raging envy at knowing MAMMON gets to have that every month!

(Eventually, once you figure out that Levi wants to be invited so bad, you just invite him. It’s not like you don’t want him there! He’s very happy to sit next to you with your legs in his lap while he ignores Mammon’s stupid movie and plays a game on his phone. It’s nice to have two demon pillows. This one’s got built-in cooling!)

Levi understands not wanting to deal with lights and noise and craziness when you’re in pain. He will prevent any of his brothers from bringing any of that around you with all the determination and passion he brings to everything he cares about.

He is remarkably gentle, for someone who is usually so excitable. So considerate! You can see in the way he forces everyone to only argue over text, in the gentle movement of cool, nimble hands over sore calves and hips and ankles, in the presentation of snacks and gifts determinedly brought to you from the human world, how much he cares about you. He loves you, he loves you, he loves you.

_______

Satan: research -> comfort

The first order of business for nerd boy here is, of course, research. He is gathering information from all his relevant contacts—every human sorcerer and witch he knows, every demon with a pact-bonded menstruating human they care about AND the aforementioned human, every healer, medical researcher, librarian…

Yeah, he’s gonna end up knowing more about it than you do.

He comes back home after a few days, mumbling about human endocrine systems and nutrition and medical malpractice of menstruating patients and the mechanics of blood production and every phase of a menstrual cycle and how pain works on a chemical level. He’s got notebooks and everything. He’s got the whole history of menstruation since the beginning of humanity summarized in one of those notebooks.

… Maybe it’s a bit overkill. But you know how he gets when he’s curious, especially about something that hurts you! He’s gotta know everything!

So now he’s infodumping to you about every symptom you mention. If you’re the sort of person who finds that interesting and helpful, perfect! If you’re not… well, he won’t be offended if you get mad at him for effectively mansplaining your own body to you. Demon-splaining? Whatever, either way he will take that correction with grace and only tell you information you directly ask for. He’s learned enough about menstruation to be very sympathetic and patient while you’re in the middle of it. It seems awful to him, and he’s not about to make it worse!

He’s wise enough to know that he should ask before ACTING on any of that information though. He won’t try to optimize your nutrition or your painkillers or anything unless you ask him to. He knows that would be too far. He’s not prideful enough to override you like that, he’s not Lucifer.

If you get really angry when you bleed, he’s got you! He understands, he encourages you to yell and rant in front of him all you want. Throw around some destructive spellwork or just break stuff if you need to, he’s got a room for that. It’s all good!

Satan is so good with practical comfort. He’s big on venting for your health and sanity. He knows what buttons not to push, they’re obvious to him as wrath incarnate.

Of course, he’ll also give you hugs and drive off his crazy brothers if you need peace. He’ll bring you to the cats when you get sick of people. He’ll find you any answer you need. If your cycle is irregular or in any way atypical, there’s no better demon to have searching for answers for you—and he’d NEVER let no medical malpractice happen to you. Doctors are GOING to take you seriously, damn it!

To him, there’s no such thing as too much hassle to help someone he loves so much as he loves you.

_______

Asmo: luxury -> selflessness

As the Avatar of Lust, there’s no way Asmo doesn’t know the basics of how menstrual cycles work. No way. Even if demons don’t get them, it’s relevant to his whole domain.

Asmo’s got you. He’s gonna spoil the hell out of you. Massages with fancy oils, hot baths with magic muscle relaxant products added, masks to prevent any skin issues from fluctuating hormones, everything he can think of.

If anyone even tries to make you do anything you don’t want to, he will destroy them. This is a time for rest, he insists!

He relishes any opportunity to relax with you, have a self-care day, just chill and recharge together… but he’s prioritizing you. You get to see the rare responsible Asmo during this time! If you have non-negotiable responsibilities, he’s helping you. He wants you to get done faster!

He’s actually got a pretty great strategic mind when he’s incentivized to use it! He’s so efficient! Only because he wants you to be in his room relaxing as fast as possible, but it’s totally there!

At the end of it all, it’s completely possible that he forgets about spoiling himself too, just because he got so focused on trying to take as much of your pain away as possible. It’s wild that he doesn’t think he has any capacity for selflessness. Good thing you know better.

_______

Beel: perceptiveness -> caring

Beel smells the blood. Immediately. At first he’s concerned but minds his own business, trusting that Mammon’s taking care of you. But after you’ve pacted with him? Not anymore.

Beel becomes your warning system. He will notify you as soon as the hormonal shift starts to happen. Days before you even start bleeding.

You know it’s because he cares, and that he can’t avoid noticing the change in your scent whether he wants to or not. You choose not to think it’s weird.

He gets worried once he learns about what happens to you every month. His first priority is making sure he doesn’t eat everything that’s high in iron, folic acid, vitamin C and D, and omega-3s. All very good for you when you’re on your period. He makes sure that stuff remains available to you.

He invites you to exercise with him too, because he heard that can be helpful. He won’t STOP you from lifting if that’s what you want to do, but HE is choosing to focus on stretching and moderate cardio for now (stuff that should be more helpful for you) and if you want to join him, well… that’s what he’s doing. What do you mean he changed it on purpose? He just felt like yoga and a nice jog today! Don’t think about it too hard!

Beel is actually the best one to go to for massages. Sure, Asmo knows what feels good and he’s phenomenal at that. True. But Beel is the one who understands every muscle and tendon in a body, so if you want a full, functional reset, in which all the tension and soreness in you gets methodically, optimally pressed out, you go to Beel. It might not feel quite as nice—in fact it might hurt a fair bit—but it’ll be so effective. You will have no pain at all after. Plus, he’ll teach you stretches to prevent some of that tension coming back later, too. He’s so helpful.

_______

Belphie: laziness -> service

We all know Belphie is the number one advocate for rest. He will encourage you to sleep through as much of it as possible. Why would you want to be awake to experience pain? Screw that. He will actively keep you asleep as long as possible—unless you tell him in advance that there has to be limits so you don’t bleed on everything you’re touching. Even so, he doesn’t quite see the problem. He’s a demon, he’s not squeamish about blood. What biohazard?

But no, he’ll respect that. If he’s a lil shit about it, all you have to do is pull the “remember that time you killed me” card and he’ll do whatever you want lol

In the biggest twist of irony since The Incident, Belphie actually finds himself serving as your alarm clock. It has to be him, you see, because he insists on sleeping next to you. He wants to be there to ensure you sleep through the night, and don’t ever get woken up by cramps. So it’s gotta be him to wake you up when it’s absolutely necessary. Because you see, he does not trust anyone else to understand what’s absolutely necessary. Only someone who loves sleep as much as him gets it, he insists.

Belphie is nothing if not lazy. Obviously. But… he’s actually voluntarily doing work on your behalf?? He’s concealing bloodstains on your sheets from you so you don’t feel uncomfortable, and washing them for you. He isn’t even telling you about that, so he isn’t even getting any thanks for it! How very kind and un-demonic of him!

(Of course, he’s mostly doing it because he doesn’t want you to feel embarrassed and stop sleeping next to him while you’re on your period. He’s got selfish reasons. But… really, it’s not very selfish at all when you look at how that benefits you too. How could he be so surprised to hear that you think he can be kind and sweet when he wants to be? How’s he not seeing it??)

He may deny that he’s actually a sweetie, but you know the truth. When sloth incarnate is voluntarily doing secret chores for you, you KNOW he loves you. It might as well be spilling out of his soul, it’s so undeniable.

_______

You’re bleeding. It’s miserable. No one likes their period. It’s made much more bearable for you, however, now that you have this ridiculous family falling over themselves to make your life easier. All the pain, all the hormonal fuckery, all the bullshit your body puts you through is… well, actually quite tolerable when you’re loved this much.

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anzulvr · 6 months

Note

idrk how to request— BUT WHAT ABT READER AS HIS SPARRING PARTNER ?? above average strength but obv he would win though he ended up hurting u, what do u think would he do? LIKE DOES HE DISREGARD THE FACT THAT THEY'RE IN PHYSICAL ED AND JUST CARRY HER AND THEN WHOO—

Summary: Karma × Reader getting hurt while sparring// fluff 🎀// I luv him pls sorry this took so long it deleted 😭😭

❝ sect. 01 pre fight ❞

— There weren’t many reasons you got paired up with Karma in to begin with,

One: you begged Karasuma- (he said no)

Two: Korosensei pulled strings for you, only because you're his favorite couple. (You’re literally the only official couple in class so he doesn’t have many options to choose from but still.)

You were so sick of Karma going easy on you. You're just as capable as anyone else in class, sure you came into eclass with zero fighting experience but you've been progressing over time. Even then, he didn’t budge on his stance on not wanting to throw hits the times you were paired up.

Karma wasn't one to underestimate people, anyone who wanted a good fight could get one- he'll even offer them a head start but you're a different story.

He wouldn’t lay a finger on you even for class, wouldn't that make him a shitty boyfriend?

Anytime you spare he guides your hand, takes your hits and high-fives you if you do it right, he does anything but retaliate.

So much so Karasuma refuses to pair you up together because the most Karma will do is dodge.

Luckily today Korosensei managed to convince him.

You spend half the class time begging Karma to just throw a jab swearing up and down you could take it.

"You nearly broke Nagisas nose but you can't hit me once? I'm asking you it's fine!"

"That's different, that's Nagisa, you're you."

he dodges as you swing your anti-koro knife

"So what?! Are you saying Nagisa can take it but I can't?"

"[Name] you know that's not what I'm saying. I just mean I can cope with giving Nagisa a nose bleed, I don't want to hurt you."

you swing again, this time getting the side of his torso

Karma grabs your fist and yanks you towards himself

“Got you.” He sticks his tongue out

"Im not saying you have to go ballistic— I'm just saying you can put up more of a fight."

"Alright fine, but if you feel like I’m being too rough tell me to stop.”

“Deal!”

❝ sect. 02 aftermath❞

— You should've kept your end of the deal but you didn't say anything cause he’d feel bad. The pain all over your leg and thigh was killing you.

He hadn’t even hit you — he kept tripping you over and over again, in his mind it was pretty harmless but enough of a jab to keep you happy except it wasn’t harmless you kept biting your tongue every time you fell on a rock and it burned even harder than the last time.

He didn't notice until you struggled to stand up and he saw blood trickling down your leg, he crouched down to where you were at in an instant.

"[Name]..! Why didn’t you say anything— , are you okay?"

"I didn't want you to regret sparring me! It's fine it's not bad just a little blood, plus I got you a few times too.”

"I’m so stupid. Sorry [Name], can you stand?”

Your leg was fine it was more of a big scrape that worsened each time you fell on something sharp and didn’t tell him, disinfecting it and wrapping it up would fix it.

He pulls you up from your hand, "I'm pretty sure Korosensei has the shed packed with medical supplies let's go there."

Karma’s willing to carry you on his back if you want him to.

❝ sect. 03 at the shed❞

— He has you sit on a stool inside the shed while he looks for bandages, "Towels... paper... Korosensei's weird stash of Magazines... where the hell are the bandage wraps?!"

You point behind him "Karma isn't that a first aid kit?"

"Oh yeah- good job [name]! Wait let me take a picture of his stash to blackmail him with first"

(He has his priorities straight)

He quickly takes a picture of Korosensei's pile of Magazines and returns to the issue at hand. He gently cleans your wounds and wraps them, something he's done plenty of times for himself, not much of a difference.

You swing your other leg, "this is kinda weird… I'm usually the one doing this for you."

He smiles for a moment "I thought the same thing!"

Once you’re leg is all wrapped up he asks you to stand up to see how everything felt.

“Thought of how I can make it up to you yet?”

"It’s not a big thing! Plus this is the first time I've gotten injured in a fight so I feel pretty cool.."

"Pffft yeah?, you look cool too— imagine the crazy stories you can make up when people ask how you got that."

"Im gonna tell people I survived a lion attack."

"Sounds good, I'll tell people I saw it go down so it's more credible."

With one hand still on your bandages he kisses you and for a moment you forget where you’re supposed to be, he pulls back and laughs for a second.

“Ditching class to kiss a guy [name]? Wouldn’t expect that from you.”

“We’re not ditching- and you initiated it, let’s go before Korosensei finds us and lectures us again.” You shivered at the thought.

When you come back to class Korosensei was frantically looking for you.

“Karasuma told me he looked away for a second and you too were gone! I looked everywhere- where were you?!"

Funnily enough Korosensei looked everywhere except the shed he was so worried he forgot to check the area yet flew internationally 10 times.

"We went to look in the shed for medical supplies."

"The shed of course! Why didn't I think of that... anyway I'm glad you're alright, what happened to your leg [Name]?"

"A lion... it's alright I took care of it."

"A lion..?"

"Yeah- you should've seen her teach, she won a fist-fight with a huge lion, all by herself."

Korosensei’s face flashes green “full points!”

He didn’t actually believe that but from the look on his face he got the hint Karma was the one who took care of your injury and that’s all that mattered to him.

a/n sorry if this is bad😭, tell me if there’s any spelling mistakes pls !! And sorry for the late post :)

#ansatsu kyoushitsu #karma x reader #assassination classroom x reader #karma akabane x reader #akabane karma x reader #assassination classroom #karma akabane #reader x karma

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herofics · 4 months

Text

A day worth waiting for

A/N: I really felt like writing some angst with Gojo. Also, I’m feeling kinda shitty, so I needed something to cope with it. I’m not suicidal specifically, but it keeps kinda flashing in my mind as a “you could do that though” if that makes sense. I started writing this like 3 months ago, but I didn’t finish it then, so I’m writing it now

Warnings: Self-harm, blood and suicide attempt-ish

You were just laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling. You had no clue how long you’d been laying there. It might have been minutes, or it might have been hours, you had no idea.

You didn’t feel anything, you were just numb, maybe not even numb, every emotion just felt the same. It was like all the colors were gone.

You stretched your hand towards the ceiling. You were wearing a t-shirt, so you could clearly see the scars that covered your wrist. There were no fresh ones, hadn’t been in a while, but the urge was still there, the urge to rip your skin open and let your life bleed out of you.

And why wouldn’t you? There wasn’t anything here for you. Gojo would be fine without you, he was the strongest, after all. He would probably even be better off.

“It’s decided then” you muttered while getting up from the floor.

You tried writing a note, and even though the idea of ending your life made so much sense in your head, you couldn’t figure out a way to explain it on paper. The only words you managed to put down were “Forgive me, Satoru. I hope you don’t curse me too much”. A few tears fell on the paper, smudging the ink.

You went to draw yourself a warm bath, before rummaging through the drawers under the sink to find a razor blade. You threw off your sweatpants and climbed into the tub in your underwear and a big t-shirt.

You exhaled deeply, before looking up at the ceiling. Were you really going to do this? Were you ready to leave yet?

That’s when you heard the bathroom door open. You quickly submerged the razor blade and hid it under your thigh before Gojo saw it. You managed to cut yourself in the process. How did you not hear him come into the apartment?

“Whatcha doing in the tub with your clothes on?” he smirked from the doorway, not yet putting the situation together.

He was just standing there, looking like his normal dashing self. He took off his blindfold, like he always did when he came home to you.

“I fell in” you lied.

Gojo took a step closer, chuckling, about to say something, when he noticed the blood in the water. The smile died on his lips as he realized what was going on. He knelt down next to the tub and grabbed both your hands, checking your wrists.

He sighed in relief as he realized you hadn’t done anything yet. Then where was the blood coming from?

You saw the panicked look in his eyes as he still held your hands in his while looking for the source of the blood.

“I nicked myself-myself when trying to hide the razor blade” you hiccuped, tears welling up in your eyes.

“Oh doll” Gojo said softly, before pulling you up with him as he stood up.

He took your shirt off you and grabbed a big, fluffy towel, wrapping it around you.

“I need you to talk to me, and I think you need that too” Gojo said as he stood in front of you.

There was something different about the way he looked at you. Anger you would have recognized, but this wasn’t it. Fear? Was it really fear you saw in his eyes?

“Satoru?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay? You look kind of scared” you noted.

“First of all, I think I should be asking you that. Secondly, I think my fear is pretty justified when I find the person I love sitting in a bathtub filled with water, ready to open their wrists”

“Well that sounds a bit gruesome” you muttered.

“Am I wrong?” Gojo asked, tilting his head to the side.

There was a moment of silence between you, before you spoke a simple, quiet: “No”

You couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. Once you said it out loud, admitted what you were going to do, it was like a dam broke. You just started sobbing uncontrollably.

“It’s okay doll, it’s okay” Gojo assured as he picked you up and carried you out of the bathroom.

You were still wrapped in the towel and holding onto Gojo’s jacket for dear life. You didn’t even remember what had originally gotten you so upset that you would resort to what you had attempted to do.

Gojo had been through this with you before. The last time this happened, it was with you trying to overdose on your medication. It was one of the few times in his life he had been absolutely terrified. Seeing you laying there unconscious, with an empty pill bottle next to you, had been one of the most horrific moments of his entire life.

Now it was happening all over again, but this time he had been on time. This time he had gotten to you before you’d done anything stupid, this time he’d managed it. After Suguru left, Gojo had sworn he wouldn’t lose anyone else like that. He wouldn’t let anyone else disappear into the shadows again.

Gojo sat down on the bed, still holding you in his arms.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-so sorry” you kept blubbering while burying your face to his chest.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay” Gojo said, grabbing your hand and attempting to ground you through his touch. “Just breathe”

After your breathing and crying calmed down, you looked up at him with tearful eyes.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened” you muttered, trying to get up from his lap.

“Nu-uh, you’re not going anywhere till we talk” he pulled you back.

“What am I even supposed to say?”

“Just something, I don’t want you to be alone with this. You know I won’t leave you alone before I get a satisfactory explanation” he half joked.

Gojo just wanted to hear you say that you’d be okay. He just wanted to hear you say this was just a fluke, and it wouldn’t happen again. At the same time, he knew you couldn’t promise that. That you wouldn’t just magically start getting better, because you or he wanted you to.

“I don’t know what happened. It just seemed like the right choice, but the second I saw you, I was like “What the fuck am I doing?” and it didn’t feel like it made any sense anymore”

You kept staring at your hands while leaning the side of your head against his chest. What you said was true. Seeing him had made you change your mind in the end. You could have tried to reach for the razor again, even though it would have been futile with him in the same room. He would have stopped you, no doubt about that, and besides you didn’t want him to see you do that to yourself. The act itself was way different from just seeing the aftermath.

“Well I’m glad I have that effect on you, but that doesn’t really give me much insight to your mental state right now”

“I guess it doesn’t, but I don’t really know what else to tell you” you sighed.

You just sat there in silence, Gojo embracing you and you leaning against his chest. You didn’t know what to tell him. Even if you managed to formulate something that would make sense to you, it would probably just sound crazy to him. It was so hard to put any of it into words, let alone in a way someone else would understand.

“I don’t know what’s going on in that pretty head of yours, but I just want you to know that no matter what you think, I’m not better off without you, and neither is anyone else you know” Gojo said suddenly.

“Thank you” you said after a while more of silence, looking up at him.

“What for?” he asked as he met your gaze.

“I guess I just appreciate the reminder at times like these”

“I’ll remind you for the rest of our lives, if you’ll let me” he smiled softly.

You placed a hand on the side of Gojo’s face and caressed his cheek with your thumb.

“I’d like that”

Maybe one day you’d love life as much as you loved him, maybe that day was worth waiting for.

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queenofcoquette · 1 year

Text

first steps to self improvement

introduction

hey loves! i want to make a post for people who have just decided to self-improving. to be healthier and happier but they don’t know where to start. 2 years ago i was in a similar position and i never though i’d be doing as good as i am today! i want to share some tips and then give my own advice too on how to begin :)

where to start?

self improvement is about one thing- knowing yourself. understanding your flaws, your skills. what YOU want. consider what your insecurities are, what your struggles are- whether with your mental or physical health. ask yourself:

what is the biggest thing i can improve on?

what changes do i want to make in my daily routine?

what habits do i want to pick up?

mental health

your mental health should be your FIRST step. a lot of times our mental health will bleed into our physical health, our discipline, pretty much everything. i also want to stress the importance of mental health because you might genuinely have a mental health condition that you don’t know about. my tips are mainly about just being a happier person, but getting treatment should always be the first step if you have a serious mental illness. :)

keep a mental health journal. i want you to keep a journal to record your thoughts, the negative ones. when you do that i want you to think deeper and get to the root of your feelings. keeping a journal to vent and understand yourself better will help you so much! i struggled a lot with regulating my emotions but having a healthy place to vent has made me a lot more stable.

find ways to cope. find habits that help you feel less stressed or sad. things that you do when you’re experiencing serious emotions in order to feel better.

shape your thoughts. be able to recognize when your thoughts are becoming toxic, judgemental, self-loathing etc. notice your own patterns and begin to correct yourself.

practice healthy habits. practicing meditation and mindful breathing are ways that i’ve found really help. but at the end of the day self improvement is about YOU- what works for you and what helps you grow as a person.

observe and reflect. one thing that helped me mature a lot is just reflecting on my actions, my choices and observing the world around me. have awareness of how you act.

reminder- life isn’t about being happy 100%. it’s not about avoiding anything that might cause unhappiness, sometimes it’s about dealing with these problems head on.

physical health

the first step with bettering your health is knowing what YOU need to work on. is your sleep schedule bad? is your diet not balanced? first you need to identify what you want to better yourself on. physical and mental health also go hand in hand- to improve on is to improve the other.

improving your diet. make sure to eat a variety of foods. improving your diet isn’t easy so always start with small changes. eating at home more often or learning to cook is a big first step that makes a big difference. incorporate a variety of fruits, vegtables and proteins. educate yourself on nutrition.

staying hydrated! most americans are dehydrated and i definitely know a lot of people who don’t drink enough. make sure you’re getting enough water! water should always be your main drink since it’s the healthiest.

get active. exercise is so important to our bodies. obesity in america is going way up, and it has a lot of complications to it. working out can mean a lot of things- going for walks, bikerides, or traditional home workouts.

get more fresh air. i know a lot of people might not live in areas where they can go outside or hang out for a long time, but making small changes like opening windows can help a lot.

fix your sleep schedule. getting proper rest is crucial in how our bodies function. if your sleep schedule isn’t good than put your attention towards fixing it.

maintain good hygeine. this is self explanatory. if your hygeine isn’t good or you don’t have a consistent routine, then develop one.

my advice

start small with everything. when you want to have healthier habits start with doing them a little bit and then eventually doing them for longer periods. what i mean is start something attainable (like working out everyday for 10 minutes) and once you’ve grown accustomed to that than you can change it to 20 minutes or so on.

develop habits. choose habits that better your body and mind and stay consistent to them! for me i always make sure i workout, journal and read EVERYDAY.

self improvement is very personal. a lot of my points made here are vague. at the end of the day self improvement is knowing what you want to improve and then incorporating healthy habits into your routine and staying consistent.

consistency is the key to success!

#that girl #that girl 2023 #pink pilates princess #queenofcoquette

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softxsuki · 1 year

Note

hi!! id like to make an urgent request please :)

tw !! mention of self harm / new sh wounds , mention of a blade

if you’re alright with it, id like to request a (romantic) hawks x gn!reader where hawks walks in on reader relapsing.

ive recently grown more and more stressed and tired lately, like my energy is constantly being drained and no matter how hard i try im not enough to stop it. and i wanna reach out for help cause i know i have friends who care about me but i just cant for some reason—i dont feel the need to ask for help cause i just dont think i deserve it. no matter how many times ill comfort others i was never strong enough to ask for the same comfort, and instead of going to someone and talking about it i turn to my blade.

hawks is a big comfort character of mine and my current hyperfix, and as embarassing as it is—reading comfort fanfics of him is a way of coping with it all. so id gladly appreciate if you could write this for me :) ++ if possible, id love if youd be able to include hawks cleaning reader’s cuts, cleaning them bringd me a sense of comfort and id love to see that in the fic.

but if you’re uncomfy about anything at all, no worries ! you dont have to write this if you dont wanna :) have a lovely day<3

Hawks Comforting Reader After They Self-Harm

please do not read if any kind of mentions of self-harm will do you more harm than good!

Pairing: Hawks x Gn!reader

Warnings: mentions of self harm, blade, blood, scars

Genre: Comfort

Post-Type: Drabble

Word Count: 750

Summary: In which your BF Hawks catches you self harming and cleans up your fresh cuts

[A/N: Hey hey, so sorry for taking so long to write this, I know it was urgent. I just happened to get sick randomly and couldn't focus to write. But I finally got this done for you! I hope you're still around to read it </3. Hopefully it provides you with some comfort. Always go to others for help before taking matters into your own hands. Even if you feel like you can't, I'm sure the people in your life would love to help you out <3 I'm here too if you ever need anything! Enjoy!]

You look back and forth between the bloody mess in front of you to the panicked face of Keigo who had walked in on you.

He was supposed to be gone for the whole day, patrolling his designated area until later that evening. Who knew he’d stop by to check in on you, hoping to have lunch together before continuing his patrol duties. Yet, coming home to you hovering over the bathroom sink with blood dripping from your delicate skin was not what he expected at all.

Of course he knew about your history with self-harm and could very clearly see all your past scars on your body, but he never expected to see you actively harm yourself in front of him.

“Y/N…” He starts cautiously, eyeing the blade in your hands as you shake with regret.

“I’m sorry,” you cry, dropping the blade in the sink and moving your bleeding wrists away from his view, but he quickly closes the space between you.

Gentle hands grab your own and inspect the damage done. He rolls up the sleeves of his hero suit and gets to work on cleaning you up. With a clean towel he dabs the blood away, applying slight pressure to help stop the bleeding a little, whispering an apology whenever you flinch from the pain.

He’s silent; contemplating how he let it get this far. He was a hero for crying out loud and the one person he wanted to keep safe the most out of everyone else in the world, managed to get harmed while he was away. He was angry and frustrated at himself that he couldn’t prevent the fresh cuts on your arms. All those nights he kissed your scars and whispered sweet promises of love and protection were all for nothing. Why couldn’t he be more useful to you?

“Keigo, I didn’t mea-” you start, but he quickly cuts you off as he finishes applying the bandage wrap to your wrist.

“I’m sorry. This isn’t your fault, it’s mine. I should have known something was off, I should have paid more attention and been around to help instead of being out. I’m sorry.”

He presses kisses to your bandaged wrist, just wishing that he could have the magical healing power that Recovery Girl’s kisses had. He wished he could kiss all your pain away and face it all himself in your stead.

“No, no, this is all on me. You’re always there for me, telling me how much you love me and trying your best to encourage me and lift me up, but I always hold back,” you confess, snatching your arms away from him in guilt, “You’re so busy as it is saving everyone. I don’t want to add to your burdens with my own problems as well. I thought I could deal with it all alone, but I failed. I turned back to my blade because it was too much to bear on my own.”

He sighs, and this time brings you into his arms in an embrace, “That’s because we’re not meant to go through these things alone, babe. Even as a hero I don’t do things on my own either. I have a whole agency backing me up along with my other fellow heroes. No one can accomplish anything on their own without hurting themselves. So please let me be there for you to help you as much as you’ve helped me.”

Silent sobs escape your lips as he continues to hold you and speak.

“All those days when you held me after I failed to save someone. All those nights you patched me up after a mission and I stubbornly refused to go to a hospital; let me be there for you for all your tough times as well. Let me be the one to gather you up again and listen to all your worries, don’t fight your battles alone anymore. I promise you’re not a bother to me at all. I want to be there for you. It’s my job,” he reassures you.

“All right,” you sniffle, finally wrapping your own arms around him, accepting his comfort.

He calls the agency afterwards, letting them know that he can’t come in for the rest of the day and instead spends his time with you. Listening intently to everything that’s been bubbling up in your heart, right by your side, wiping your tears away and giving you his unconditional support and love. He’s definitely making sure you don’t deal with things on your own anymore :)

REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

Posted 3/5/2023

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robby-bobby-tommy · 7 months

Text

This one won't be in a form of any cohesive drabble. It's a mix of truth and hcs

Imagine how Fit feels. He, the man of 2b2t and constant betrayal, where survival mastered the most, stayed behind, loosing precious time to escape safely, only to stay with Ramon. As much as I thought Fit would fully revert to his old self, but his progress is still there. He desperately tried to break the block below to get his son out of this hell. Then the Eye spoke. Ramon wasn't dumb, he knew what's happening. He placed his last signs "bye dad. Give them hell".

"I will...I will!!" Fit said, running away. No, he couldn't allow himself leave with his baby boy.

He ran back. "Ramon!! Ramon!" He screamed. As the rocks fell, giving veteran a concussion and breaking his prosthetic arm, he started. Spitting blood, he tried to put his hand on the glass, where Ramon can place it. But there was no Ramon. His son was once again ripped away from him, so he had to run. Bleeding, he ran as fast as he can.

Imagine how much survivor's guilt he feels, being able to save only Bagi. The murderer, the untrusting war criminal, who taught himself to put his own life and safety first, yelled "I can save people! " After his best friend and member of morning crew landed, unable to fly again. Imagine how much Fit changed, risking his own safety and live, to save at least one person. Then imagine how much he despises himself for not thinking of Dapper first. Veteran might've saved someone, but in one big boom he probably lost his son and love. And he wasn't alone. He doesn't want to believe his baby boy made in heaven is gone, but this thought will eat him alive.

Now this is a totally hcs territory. There's no proof in lore, but I wanna.

Fit has already stated that he won't cry, while his on stream. This is a gift from the past, because to cry is to show a vulnerability, and to show vulnerability is to get trapped, killed, tricked, destroyed. So I imagine this veteran to show his distress in other way. He didn't built the gym for nothing. Back on island, he destroyed. He punched a punching bag or burned the ship down, but it was his only way of relief and coping (kind of like this) . So now, on the ship, when all memories of purgatory, Pac, Forever saying "don't get emotional about it", his lost friends, but most importantly, Ramon, he started to punch everything he could with his normal, human arm. He doesn't care if he'll break his knuckles, it would be better, honestly. Maybe physical pain will supersede his psychological one.

Imagine Fit, alone, on the stern, watching whatever happened to the island. Imagine Fit start to punch the railings, the floor, everything his hand could reach.

There's when my second hc comes out. I had this HC for a long time, but had no situation to put it in.

Fit didn't change anything about his arm, because it was the only thing he had left of Ramon. This is why it broke during the earthquake. Now it was hanging limp like yolk, reminding of son he couldn't save, good life he couldn't have, and the past he had. For me prosthetic arm represents a lot of things, but mostly his past on 2b2t and his mission. So imagine Fit looking at the knuckles on his left hand that had "2 b 2 t" Gravured on it. Imagine him being so overwhelmed with guilt, pain and flashbacks ripping his own arm away, punching it, trying to break it to get all the pain away (again an arcane example. Not quite as teary but you get the idea. TW flashing colors). But God bless Ramon for making his arm ultra durable. So he just keeps punching his past, his duty, purgatory, only hurting himself more. No one could say now, if these tears were because of damaged skull, bleeding shoulder and hip, pulsing with ache in his knuckles or a psychological breakdown.

After calming down as much as he could, and put his armed back on, he limped in the main place, where everyone surviving were. Their backs are turned away from the entrance.

"But the most important question. Where is Fred?" Tubbo said, jokingly.

But Fit wasn't in the mood for jokes. Pushing someone away he limped to his fellow morning crew member. "We potentially lost our kids, and the only thing that you think about is your f_ck boy?" Veteran used all his left self control to not raise his hand on Tubbo, but he was pulled away.

So here they are. The only surviving, losing so much, but still alive, praying that maybe, somehow the eggs are fine.

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getosprettyboy · 2 months

Text

Thornes Without Roses

Pairing : Loki x Reader

Tags : sh, angst, hurt/comfort, just be warned

Summary : Loki reacts to your sh.

A/N : Hope you like it?

You know you shouldn’t do this. You know how wrong this is. You know that this is the least helpful thing to do to yourself. But it’s not that you’re doing this for attention.

No.

You just feel like you deserve this. You deserve the pain, you deserve to bleed, that’s what you tell yourself.

The last couple of days has been really hard on you. A failed mission with two casualties led you to get yelled at by the relatives of the victims which led you into self-loathing which then led to you thinking how big of a disappointment you are and such a heavy burden to carry. Before this, you were already feeling low due to your depression coming back with all these negative thoughts to make you want to jump off a building.

This isn’t something new as you have been dealing with these feelings as a kid and you are used to it now. The thing you shouldn’t be used to is how you deal with these emotions. You know these aren't the best coping mechanisms but it is all you have.

You go towards your desk and grab a sharpener, you also grab a screwdriver to take out the blade. You haven’t done this in a year because you promised yourself to never go down this path ever again but here you are.

You go to the bathroom towards the sink and look at yourself in the mirror. You wondered, when did things get so bad?

You held your am in front of you and dug the blade in your skin and drew a line. You watched as the skin then started to bleed. You choked on a sob and then drew more lines with the blade until you started sobbing.

Why were you like this?

Why did you have to be such a burden on your friends?

Why couldn’t you just stay happy?

What is wrong with you?

These thoughts swarmed your head as you sat on the toilet and put your head on your hands and sobbed. You sobbed about how you were incapable of love and how you were probably better off dead.

You kept on doing this for a month. Cutting yourself almost every day and hiding those wounds by wearing sweaters, jackets, or anything to hide the cuts made by you. Maybe your sadness was reflecting on your face and how you behaved because you started eating less, and got more reckless during missions which would lead you to be yelled at by one of your friends. You knew they meant well but you couldn’t bother yourself to listen to them. They even started asking questions.

“Are you alright [Y/N]?”

“Do you want to talk?”

“You know we are always there for you.”

“You know we love you right?”

Your least favourite was when you were asked - “Why are you wearing full sleeves in the middle of June?”

You hated these questions in general.

One day you were feeling extremely low and overwhelmed and thought of cutting yourself. You went to your room and took your sharpener and went to the bathroom and took off your sweatshirt and began to cut yourself.

As soon as you started to cut yourself there was a knock on your bathroom door.

“[Y/N], are you there?”

It was Loki. Shit! Why did he have to come at a time like this?!

“Fuck!”

“[Y/N]?” Loki asked cautiously.

“One minute!!!” You said in a panic.

You tried to hide everything. You put a band-aid on your wound and hid the sharpener in the medicine box. You flushed the toilet to seem you were busy and came out of the bathroom with a smile on your face.

“Hey! Loki, what brings you here?” You asked.

“Well I just wanted to talk about something.” He said.

“What is this something?” You asked.

“It’s about you [Y/N], you seem very down lately. Are you alright?”

“Pfft! I’m totally fine. I don’t know why everyone is asking me that.”

“If you say so.” He looked down and his eye caught your bare arm.

Shit! Shit! Shit! You forgot to wear your sweatshirt.

You tried hiding your non-dominant hand but Loki already saw it.

“Show me your arm.” He demanded, you looked into his eyes and there was a half-hearted glare.

“It’s nothing. I promise.” You said but your voice reached deaf ears. You were panicking, your heart rate increasing. Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Why was this happening? Why today of all days? Your vision was beginning to blur from your tears.

“[Y/N] I’m going to ask you this one last time. What happened? To. Your. Arm?” He asked firmly.

You couldn’t take it anymore, the dam broke and you were now crying. Holding your head in your hands in shame. You felt shame, guilt, and sadness. You broke down into your arms.

“I’m sorry. I’m so so so sorry Loki. Please don’t be angry at me. I'm so sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen. Loki I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry Loki. Please, please don’t be mad.” You cried. You cried and cried and cried in your hands not wanting to look at Loki because he might be looking at you with fury in his eyes or disgusted with you or something worse that you don’t want to imagine.

The last thing you expected was a hug from him. You stood there shocked at his reaction, you silently just stood there confused until you started crying again.

This felt so much better. His embrace was so warm. You felt a ray of sunshine finally blooming in you as he held you tight as you sobbed in his arms.

He guided you towards the bed and made you sit beside him while he comforted you.

“Shhh, it’s ok. Let it all out. I’m here, it’s ok [Y/N] I’m here, I’m here, it’s alright.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Loki. I don’t mean to be such a burden. I’m sorry” You said while violently sobbing.

“[Y/N] stop apologising. I am not angry” He said calmly.

“What I am is concerned about your well-being. I know the last few weeks have been harsh on you, but that doesn’t mean you would do this to yourself. You are better than this and you are not a burden to me in my life nor in anyone else’s life but what you are is a blessing in human form and especially to me, You are like the sun shining brightly in my darkest of days, you mean the whole world to me [Y/N] and I mean it whole-heartedly. Do you understand what I am saying [Y/N]?”

You nodded weakly.

There was a pause, and then Loki continued. “I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that you can’t open up to me but I promise that I won’t judge you and promise to make you feel safe and comfortable with me.”

Your heart warmed up at his words. Maybe you should’ve gone to Loki or a therapist for help instead of doing this. But you couldn’t do anything else because you felt that you would be burdening your friends by doing so but after hearing Loki maybe that isn’t the case.

You could feel more tears in your eyes. You couldn’t help it. Nobody has said something like that to you. You’ve been doing this since you were fourteen and you sure as hell weren’t going to stop but maybe you’re going to try to stop doing this.

Your cries had subdued to hiccups and you were just processing what he said.

“Thank you… Loki. I really appreciate you saying that.”

“You’re welcome, and I meant all of that so whenever you feel like doing that to yourself just call for me and I will distract you from it,” Loki said sincerely.

“Thank you.” That’s all that you could say. Those were just two words but he knew how sincere you were about it.

You both stayed like that. Loki held you tight in his embrace and you rested your head on his chest as you both lay down on the bed. His heartbeat slowly lulls you to sleep and after so many sleepless nights you had the best sleep.

#loki x reader #loki laufeyson #loki angst #loki drabble #loki fanfic #loki fanfiction #loki fic #loki x you #loki x y/n

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amazingmsme · 3 months

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Just some ghost!polites headcanons because I’ve been Big Sad & I need a healthy dose of angst to cope. As always, gotta sprinkle in some fluff to balance out the angst

Polites wakes up in the ferry on the River Styx with the other soldiers that died in the cave & it’s literally just like Skyrim . They get dumped off & unlike the others, he tries to stick to the people he knows. But they’re dead, & they don’t really care about camaraderie like he does anymore. So he’s just kinda wondering through the underworld aimlessly, just trying to get himself acquainted & get used to things

Apparently at the time of the Odyssey, Hades (the place) was in shambles. It had no order to the souls or the layout itself. So needless to say, Polites is pretty miserable down there

Also, however you looked when you died is how you look in the afterlife so… yeah. Ok but despite all the heartbreak that comes with that… his broken glasses sit crooked on his face & it’s real cute if you can get past the fact he’s bleeding, broken & bruised

I feel like he died with unfinished business, whether that be just making it back home to Ithica or something else. Either way, he’s a restless spirit with earthly ties. At first when he sees Odysseus & what’s left of the army, he thinks they all died & he’s heartbroken, but then he notices how different they look from everyone else around him & he realizes. They’re alive. & he’s so drawn to them, because it’s the one comfort he’s had since arriving in Hades. So he just sneaks in behind them & tries to hide/blend in towards the back

Maybe to make things interesting, a soldier could find out his wife died while he was away, but the way he found out was literally by seeing her in the underworld. Polites recognizes him & approaches to ask what’s wrong because he can see they’re both upset & if there’s any way he could help. & the soldier wants to stay with his wife, & Polites sees his 1 chance to get out of here. So they kind of trade places, because with that few people you’d def notice an extra person in your crew after romping through the underworld, but if the numbers are the same, then it’s less noticeable. & if you wanna make things extra interesting, this could happen by Polites possessing the soldier’s body, but personally I like the straight up ghost route. But hey, possession is always fun!

But no one notices he’s there until they’re almost out, & they’re about to pass between the 2 monsters & he shyly speaks up like “uh Captain? I think I know a better way” & Odysseus whips around like “who said that?” Because what the hell do they mean they know a better way through the underworld? But even more importantly, that sounded just like-

& then he sees him & on reflex he screams & draws his sword & Polites looks so (emotionally) hurt by that & he’s like “Captain it’s me, Polites” & it takes a second for Odysseus recognize him through the blood & the bruising, but yeah, that’s the Polites they know & love. Except… not.

But he really does know a better way to escape, & they don’t have to sacrifice any men. They make it back to the ship relatively easily & needless to say everyone is keeping their distance from Polites

He can sense the underlying fear & guilt they all feel when he’s around, & it really hurts him because he doesn’t hold any ill will about it. They couldn’t help it. & he wants to get past that & show them it’s still him, but how can he do that when everyone’s afraid to even talk to him? They can’t even look him in the eye anymore, does he really look that bad?

He starts to feel isolated & the weight of being dead really hits him as he watches the rest of them from afar. He doesn’t always choose to appear for this reason. He doesn’t want to feel like a bother, or like he’s getting in the way

He tries to remind himself that it could be worse, & he doesn’t want to go back to the underworld. So he has to try & keep himself entertained & upbeat & his favorite way to do that is by pulling what he calls “ghost pranks.” He’ll steal shit & make it go missing only to have it show up in obvious places, move shit through the air, rattle around in the kitchen at night (or mess with the loud ass anchor chain, that’s almost worse) but his favorite way to fuck with his friends is to tickle them out of the blue & the worst part is he won’t even actually be there, he’ll just be invisible & messing with them on purpose

At first his antics are more common as he tries to make his presence known & accepted, but everyone is at least little creeped out & he starts goofing off less & less. & you’d think it would take more effort to appear to people, but it’s a conscious effort to stay invisible. So I like to think that one day Odysseus was wondering about the ship & he noticed Polites sitting at the railing looking glum as ever & it’s just such a sad sight it makes him realize they haven’t exactly been the nicest or most accepting of him now that he’s back. So he goes over & sits next to him & he apologizes for the way he’s been since he came back. They have a nice long chat & talk out some stuff that really didn’t need to remain unsaid

He’s not his happy go lucky self like he used to be, but he’s still pretty optimistic… regarding other people. In regards to himself, he gets all teary eyed & you can tell he’s trying so damn hard to frame things in a decent light. Because he’s always been a glass half full kinda guy, so he’s gotta always see it that way regardless. Right?

Odysseus can’t stand seeing him so upset & it’s literally eating him alive. He’s talking to Eurylochus about it & saying how he’s so much sadder now than he used to be & it’s “not as easy” to cheer him up. & Eurylochus, half joking, is like “yeah, too bad you can’t tickle him” & Odysseus is like … 😈

Eurylochus is like “you can’t be serious” & he’s like “hey it’s worth a shot! If any ghost is ticklish it’ll be him” Like ok he doesn’t even have a body but go off I guess

But he catches Polites when he’s feeling down, & when his normal cheer up methods don’t work, he barely bites back a smirk. Polites knows that damn look but thinks he’s safe since he’s a ghost & why would Odysseus even bother trying? It would be pointless. But he’s interacted with solid objects before, so just maybe solid objects can interact with him

But Polites just arches a brow & looks at him like “what?” & Odysseus legit just comes right out & says it “you look too sad. I think someone needs a visit from the tickle monster” & Polites gets this sad, wistful smile, but he’s also looking at Odysseus like he’s gone off the deep end & he just snorts like “yeah good luck with that” except he’s nothing but stubborn & determined, so on impulse he goes to squeeze his side. & Odysseus can feel that something’s there, but his hand can still kinda phase through. & Polites shrieks, mostly out of shock because he never thought a ghost would be ticklish, & he & Odysseus are equally surprised. & Odysseus is so mischievous because he’s really missed getting to make his best friend squeal with laughter, & now it’s paired with morbid curiosity because he’s so fascinated by the fact that ghosts are apparently ticklish. & he’s fake interrogating him asking how it feels & how different it is from when he was alive & I’m such a sucker for the trope where it tickles when you stick your hand through a ghost

It really is like the old Polites is back, & they start to get used to their new resident ghost

Even tho he’s already dead & he doesn’t technically have any stakes in the game, he carries out orders & when they’re faced with a challenge, he fights just as hard as the rest of them to make it out safe. & he is more than willing to sacrifice himself to save a fellow soldier. & even tho he’s dead, it’s still just as upsetting for Odysseus to watch as if he were still alive

If/when I write it, idk whether I’m gonna keep it where Odysseus is the only one who makes it back, because imagine how much it’ll hurt both of them to continue seeing everyone around them drop like flies. How in the end they only have each other. But it could also be such a game changer to have 1 more man on their crew, especially if he has some ghost powers. & even the power of moral can be a huge game changer

That’s all I got for now, let me know if y’all want more ghost!polites headcanons, or shoot me some of your own! wink wink nudge nudge

#ghost!polites #epic headcanons #epic the musical #the odyssey #polites #odysseus #eurylochus

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deaththcekid · 1 year

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RENGOKU SH COMFORT

Sorry if I haven’t been writing a whole lot guys I’ve just had school and other stuff lol. OKAY SO UHHH…yeah

I’ve been wanted to write a Kny sh short comfort story for a while. As a person who has suffered with sh for a long time I’ve been wanting someone to comfort me for the longest time. So let’s get to it.

Warnings: Self-Harm, Blood, Scars, Blade, insecurities

Rengoku Sh Comfort

When you first got Rengoku you didn’t talk to him about your problem with Self Harming. You’ve tried to stop, and stop, and stop but the rush of pressure and insecurity kept creeping back up to you. One day you just wanted to rot in your bed, you didn’t have any motivation to get up, you just wanted to lay down and cry. You also didn’t talk to him about your insecurities since you have always bottled you your emotions. You just couldn’t take it anymore. You got up opened a secret drawer you had in your room, and pulled out a blade, still has blood on it since the last time you used it. You hated how you look, you hated everything about yourself, your body, face, your personality, your past scars from where you cut, you hated everything. You put the blade up to your wrist and started cutting. The pain, the burning sensation of the blade when you cut deeper into your skin. Blood seeping down your wrist. You stared to cry and cry, nothing was stopping the flow of your tears. You kept cutting deeper and deeper the more cuts you did. Rengoku was away for a mission so you expect him to not be home in a couple on days. The more you kept looking back at your insecurities and your past, you kept going deeper. The flow of insecurities kept getting the best of you. The rush of blood falling down your wrist onto the floor. Before you were gonna do another cut you heard a voice calling out to you. “Oh my little flame in ho-“. As soon as he opened the door he saw you on the floor, crying, bleeding, cutting. He rushed over to you “I-…why?!”. Not knowing what to say. He reached his hand out, “p-please give me the blade!”. You gently gave him the blade still crying. He threw the blade across the room then pulling you into his arms. He started to tear up, “darling why would you do this to yourself”. You started to cry even more. “I’m sorry Rengoku..it’s just that… I cant cope with all of this stuff I’m going through”. You said, “oh little flame, I’m always here for you and if you need someone to talk to I’m right here”. He pulled from the tight hug and looked at the red marks you made on yourself. “Wait here I’ll be right back, don’t move please” he got up and went to get something. When he came back he had Bandages and some alcohol to clean the marks. He sat back down and reached out his hand, “Can I please see your wrist”. You slowly gave him your wrist. He started to disinfect the cuts. Once he put the disinfectant on your wrist you flinched at how bad the stinging was. As he was bandaging it you asked him “A-are you mad at me Kyo?”. “I could never be mad at you.. it’s just that… why didn’t you talk to me about this Y/n?”. Once he was done bandaging it he pulled you into a tight embrace. Tears stared to fall from his eyes. “I was scared to tell you… and I didn’t want you to worry about me”. “Oh Y/n… don’t be scared to talk to me if your feeling sad or insecure”, “I love you so much I never want to see you like this”. You tears stared to creep up on you again. “Shhh it’s okay I’m right here, I’ll always be here for you, and if you need to talk about something I’m right here.” The warmness of his embrace made you feel safe and comfortable. You pulled back and looked into his pretty eyes. “I love you Kyo, and I’ll try to open myself up to you” A big warm smile appeared on his face “I love you too my little flame”. After he said that he kissed you on your lips. Then he started to leave small little kisses all over your face. Then he grabbed your wrist and kissed it very gently. You felt so safe around him. Then he picked you up bridal style “Now lets go get something to eat I’m starving!” You laughed and gave his a kiss. “I love you so much Kyo..” “And I love you so much too my little flame”.

#rengoku kyōjurō #rengoku fluff #rengoku x reader #comfort #anime #demon slayer #kny #kimitsu no yaiba #hashira x reader #rengoku x you #rengoku my beloved

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wedreamedlove · 9 months

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To Live In A World - Light & Night Group Essay

Light and Night has an 18+ rating in China but, in my opinion, it's not for sexually suggestive scenes, it's for the topics they bring up that only individuals with solid worldviews can appreciate and discuss. One topic that comes up again and again is how an individual lives in the world: what makes someone choose to leave and what makes someone keep going?

Out of the 5 male leads in Light and Night, Sariel, Evan, and Osborn have tried to kill themselves. Charlie cannot even conceive of the idea of suicide, but he also discusses this topic and has his own coping methods to deal with suffering. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, Jesse has the standard response that he can't give up on everything because of his responsibilities, his attachments, and his loved ones [SSR Prairie Fire DATE].

Trigger warning for discussions about suicide. Spoilers up to Chapter 19 and Charlie's 2023 birthday.

[SSR Escaping Into Dusk DATE]

Evan: "Do you know how to meet a mermaid?" His tone sounded like he was asking someone a question, but also like he was simply telling the opening of a story. Evan: "You have to swim to the bottom of the ocean—there it will turn pitch-black and blue skies will become a memory." Evan: "When you lie down in that silence and decide to become a part of it, mermaids will appear." Evan: "If your love is sincere and pure enough, they will accept you and take you away forever."

This story comes from The Big Blue and, in the context of Evan's date, refers to committing suicide. I think it's only fitting to start this essay with this haunting metaphor, and this also happens to be one of the times Evan tried to commit suicide during the period of his life when he enjoyed freediving.

TO LIVE IS TO SUFFER—

Since Evan opened this essay, we'll continue to talk about him. First, to understand what could drive someone to commit suicide, I will summarize Evan's background. He was born into a caring nuclear family that quickly disintegrated and so, at the tender age of 5, he lost the love and protection of both parents. Right after that, he was forced to go through the brutal training all Blood Clan members go through, such as survival training in the woods and the indoctrination of their superiority.

[SSR Secrets in the Shade DATE]

Evan: Yes, it was when I was a child and driven into the woods for the first time. Evan: I witnessed wild beasts hunting and escaped from the mouth of a snake. I felt that the forest was full of dangers and only wished to get out of there quickly. Evan: And, just when I was hungry and exhausted, I saw a bamboo mushroom. Evan: At the time, I didn't know what it was and whether or not it was poisonous. I looked at it and thought hopelessly that I might as well pluck it and eat it, and resign myself to my fate.

[SSR Illusionary Light - 14 Years Ago Fall TRAJECTORY]

I felt my pulse beating, ba-dump, ba-dump—and so I aimed the screwdriver at it and stabbed down hard. The second the blood spurted out I heard the sound of my soul drilling out too. It cheered and sang for the freedom and sunlight it waited for so long. I was a bit happy, because I discovered that my heavy body was gradually turning light. That feeling of being able to fly even without wings was addictive. The smell of blood was a strong fragrance and when it dripped onto the mud it even blossomed as a vivid flower. [...] This time no one would be able to stop my footsteps. When the blood ran out, I would be free.

[SSR Against One's Heart - 11 Years Ago Spring TRAJECTORY]

Whenever my body was spread open to be seasoned, I always prayed in my heart for rot to come. I think I would greet it with extraordinary calm and even a small smile. Of course, I would allow myself to retain a bit of sadness and this would be my last reverence and friendliness to life. I held this thought until the first spot of mold appeared on my body—I meant the fresh and still bleeding bowl-sized wound in my chest, large enough that my heart could almost fall out. There was no moment closer to death than now, however a long-lost fear suddenly grew crazily in my body until, in the end, I was defeated. I watched myself stuff cotton balls into my body, along with all my obsessions and wickedness, and the blood stuck them together, forming a new piece of flesh of its own. If death happened to arrive at this moment, he would surely laugh at my hypocrisy and cowardice. Fortunately, the dense night outside the window stretched in front of me like train tracks and I could even hear his departing footsteps that were too lazy to step over those tracks.

The Blood Clan ground away his individuality, his sentimentality, and his attachments. In his 1st birthday [SSR Enticing Feast DATE], Evan explains that all members of the Blood Clan are brought up to have no affections for anything but family. He couldn't be picky about his food, he could only read books that were approved, and his pet rabbit was killed. To make matters worse, Evan is also the black sheep of the Blood Clan. He cannot bring himself to be like them with their cruelty, arrogance, and depravity. He shares their instincts but he instinctively rebels against it and questions all of the Blood Clan values.

Can someone even be considered to be "living" in this existence? It's no wonder Evan doesn't think there's anything to keep him in this world, because he grew up without even knowing who "he" is as a person.

Despite all this though, Evan did manage to find a way to reconcile his self-destructive impulses. However, this answer is going to be left for the next section and, instead, we are going to move onto our next male lead who suffered, Osborn.

Much like Evan, Osborn was also born to a loving family that disintegrated, starting with his father leaving and ending with his mother's multiple attempts to abandon him before she finally succeeded. Once that happened, Osborn had no more attachments to this world and thought about how easy it would be for him to disappear without anyone noticing or caring. He grew up with this fear of being abandoned again and so was afraid to get close to anyone. This self-isolation was only exacerbated by the prejudice of people around him, who saw him as a juvenile offender, and made no attempts to understand him.

[SSR The 400 Blows TRAJECTORY - 14 Years Ago Early Spring]

I look forward, beyond anything else, to the moment I kill myself. At least this proves that, at the very end, before the world abandons me, I severed my relationship with it first.

[SSR The 400 Blows TRAJECTORY - 8 Years Ago Early Summer]

After waking up, he climbed to the edge of the rooftop and looked at the rusty red marks on the concrete floor that couldn't be washed away, like they were a silent accusation. So long as he jumped, he could escape everything. Will anyone grieve for me? Will anyone care about my death? Osborn blankly thought.

[SSR Free Fall TRAJECTORY - 6 Years Ago Early Winter]

He suddenly raised his hand and slashed at his own neck hard. However, the biting pain didn't bring a sense of relief. Instead, it hurt more.

[SSR Free Fall TRAJECTORY - 4 Years Ago Early Winter]

All my classmates had jumped and kept hurrying me. The waves grew larger and larger and I realized I really would die if I didn't jump. But there was an instant where I seriously had the idea of giving up. I thought about leaving things like this, because to me this had never been an act to survive but instead a punishment.

Freedom is a double-edged sword. In protecting himself by keeping others at a distance and not getting attached, Osborn had also walled himself off from the world. It was all too easy for him to be indifferent and flippant with his own life because he cherished nothing and believed that no one cherished him.

However, as we all know, people (and animals) did get under Osborn's defenses and became family members he took under his wing and who ended up binding him to this world. He also discovered his own way of reconciling with the world, which we will talk about in the next section.

The last suicidal man was Sariel. Unlike the others (except for Jesse), Sariel was born to a loving family and there were no tragedies in his childhood. Instead, it was the trauma of war in his early adulthood that brought him to despair. On the battlefield, he saw the cycle of hatred and revenge, what humans do at the extremes of desperation (cannibalism), massacred a village, and ultimately ended the life of someone he loved with his own hands. Everyone he knew and loved passed away, either due to circumstances or the long passage of time, and after fulfilling all of their leftover wishes he himself was left with nothing of his own but crushing survivor's guilt.

[SSR Meeting Spring FILM REEL - Undead Nightmare]

Sariel lay on the shore of the lake and it was unclear whether it was lake water or tears on his face. Sariel: Yet another failure. After that, Sariel tried countless times more. Since his talent would save him, then he would try even more drastic methods. However, his talent followed him relentlessly like a curse. Cut veins would heal, torn off limbs would be restored, and even his heart could recover its function after being pierced by a long blade.

Not mentioned above is how, for his first attempt, Sariel jumped off a cliff and his body was practically pulverized or how, in the scene prior to the translation, he tied himself to a rock and sank into the bottom of a lake to drown. Unlike the other men, Sariel would have truly ended his life on multiple occasions if it weren't for his talent, but since he couldn't die he became an empty husk that wandered the world instead, attempting to drown out his pain in vices like gambling and wine.

So now, after seeing how some of the men in Light and Night hit absolute rock bottom in their lives, how did they pick themselves up and walk all the way to the present to stand before us?

—TO SURVIVE IS TO FIND MEANING IN THE SUFFERING (GORDON W. ALLPORT)

As I have been mentioning, all the men in Light and Night were able to come to terms with living in this world, although it's arguable how "healthy" their coping methods are. In this section, I will not be listing the men in the order I introduced them, but rather by my opinion on the worst-to-best coping methods the men demonstrate. Naturally, this is an incredibly personal opinion and you do not have to agree with me at all. In fact, discussion would be happily welcomed!

First, we have Evan.

[SSR Escaping Into Dusk DATE]

Evan: Actually, it can't be called liking it. It's just that I was once a little addicted to the feeling of freediving. Evan: In a turbid world without sound, color, or light. Evan: You toss aside every tool and means and rely only on the limits of what the human body can do... Evan: It's true the pain brought on by this method is inevitable, but the freedom of the soul gained from this is very captivating. Evan: You will genuinely experience and truly reach your inherent limitations as a human being. Evan: And, in this process, you can also expand the limit of your boundaries bit by bit as much as possible. MC: It sounds like it's nearly walking on the edge of death. Evan: More or less. But it's certainly attractive, isn't it?

[SSR Secrets in the Shade DATE]

MC: When you're feeling down or that things are difficult, just fantasize about the wonderful life you'll have after achieving your goals. [...] Evan: After I achieve my goals? Evan: At that time, perhaps nothing will be important anymore.

There are two parts to Evan's reconciliation with the world. First, as I brought up in my essay "The Depth of his Feelings", I believe the way Evan flirts with death is a homage to traditional vampire literature and their attraction to their own death, but I also think this is a natural act of those who are suicidal and lost as a person. Owing to the Blood Clan, Evan questioned himself and his perception of the world, but nothing is quicker at grounding someone to this world than the undeniable physical sensation of their body's primal instinct to survive.

Second, Evan ended up becoming indifferent to death. Even though I'm mentioning Evan first for "unhealthy" coping methods, it's mostly directed at his near-death outlets, and I actually appreciate his acceptance of death. On that note, there isn't a contradiction here because, even if his body emotionally wants to survive, he has intellectually made peace with death.

Evan's view on death reminds me a lot of the Stoic ideal of the good death. The Stoics do not believe that death is anything to fear because everything comes to an end and, in fact, they believe that suicide is a choice and amoral. The door is always open to you if you choose to leave; the only caveat is that you must consider your circumstances seriously and make your decision logically and not on a rash and impulsive decision. For Evan, he calmly accepts death after he achieves his goal (of wiping out the Blood Clan) because, to him, his life would be complete and there would be nothing more for him in this world. It would be a good death. Evan's acceptance of his own death can also be seen in his 2nd anniversary card [SSR Yesterday's Elegy TRAJECTORY].

Alright, we've seen how Evan reconciled with the world, so now we're going to move onto Charlie.

[SSR To the Oracle DATE]

Charlie: Fiancée, freedom exists. Charlie: It's pain and sacrifice that let him feel the value of existence. [...] Because that person who treats pain as feeling the world and touches the weight of freedom is Charlie too. [...] Charlie: But they can't stop themselves from interacting with others. MC: Why do they have to be so persistent... Charlie: Because they still have hope for this world.

[SSR Solar Flare DATE]

Charlie: I cried terribly when I learned that he would never come back. Charlie: But when I grew up I gradually understood that maybe he had already decided to say goodbye to this world. Charlie: So long as people live they will get hurt. No one knows how much pain the seemingly optimistic and cheery people around them have endured alone. Charlie: Time couldn't heal his wounds and so he gave up on saving himself. I could hear the conflict in his heart. He was someone who clearly valued life a lot and always spared no effort in saving every single person. How many similar things had he gone through, how many helpless moments had he experienced, and how had he carried all of this to this day to stand in front of me... I had no way of imagining it. I could only hold his hand tightly to let him know that I was trying to understand how he felt. Charlie: The look in Myron's eyes before he was lifted into the ambulance made me feel that everything I had done just now might have been meaningless. Charlie: But I will still choose to save them. I can't explain why, maybe it's an instinct.

Like I mentioned, Charlie cannot even conceive of the idea of committing suicide but, ironically, he experiences the world through suffering. As a phoenix, he innately loves the world and its people, and that's why the injustices and despair in the world hurt him so much. So, how does he find an outlet for this pain?

[SSR Perpetual Journey Home TRAJECTORY - New Era 44 Late Autumn]

Charlie clenched his fist, making the tense veins in his arms and wrists bulge out before they submerged into his palm. His flat nails nearly dug hard enough into his skin to bleed. Only then did I suddenly notice that his broad palm was covered with crescent-shaped scars that curved in the same direction. The protruding white marks were old, but it was obvious they were quickly covered with new purple marks before they faded. MC: ... Don't hurt yourself. I placed my fingers on the tips of his fingers and tried to pry them away. But Charlie didn't loosen his hand. He bent his knuckles so hard that it seemed as if he was biting the skin of his palm painfully. And that pain actually entered my body through this touch. MC: Charlie, let go! I heard my own urgent voice, as well as the imaginary quiet sound of flesh being separated. His fingernails dug into his palm, which slowly began to turn red. MC: Charlie, I don't understand... I shook my head, tears staining my cheeks. I didn't understand why he had to torture himself like this. Or— I did understand, but I could only use this common logic to persuade him to stop harming himself. The glaring redness of his palm filled my mind like the shallows of a sea. I smiled bitterly. Wasn't pain just another way of breathing?

[SSR Under the Stigmata DATE]

He walked to my side and sat down, watching quietly as the boy turned back to plucking his black feathers, as if he had seen this done countless times. In a daze, I saw Charlie sitting there in a firefighter's uniform, his face covered with smoke and dust. And every time the boy plucked a feather, his expression that was on the verge of a breakdown softened a little, as if that action could relieve his pain. I also saw Charlie, wearing a white coat and looking exhausted. He sat there blankly, his hands still shaking slightly. I recognized this action, it meant that he had just completed a long operation. They all had the same contentment of pain on their faces. It dawned on me that this place, this house, might have been built by his father originally, and Charlie had also once destroyed it. But in the present, Charlie had built all of this by himself, brick by brick. Here, he overlooked the pain of his past, again and again, gaining the power to rebuild himself from it. I thought about how he found a way to use this pain, but this didn't mean that this pain no longer existed and I didn't want to see any Charlie trapped in it.

This is how Charlie reconciles with the world and his powerlessness. It reminds me of these tweets about trashed bathrooms and how, when people have no control over their life or environment, they will want to assert control over the small part of their environment that they still have the power to affect. In this case, what can you always affect? Yourself. In a way, this is somewhat similar to how Evan paces on the border of life and death, because not only does it make him feel alive but it also gives him control.

For Charlie, there are so many things that he cannot control in the world, especially other people's decision to take their own lives. He also lives under the extraordinary pressure and control of his father, who has been trying to mould Charlie into his perfect heir (and a god to rule this world?). By hurting himself, Charlie can be assured that he is still in control of his own life and his own decisions and this gives him the strength to pick himself up again and again, among all this suffering, to try and help more people.

You can probably see why I don't rate Charlie's method that highly either, because I don't advocate self-harm, haha. Next, after having seen Charlie's method, we move onto Sariel.

[SSR Seeing the Spring FILM REEL - The Mayfly]

Sariel (Phantom): Everything has a conclusion that you have no choice but to accept, regardless of whether it goes against your heart or not, or whether it hurts you or not. Sariel (Phantom): When this pain is too heavy, it's better to forget it than to confront it bruised and bloody. Sariel (Phantom): Living on relies not on redemption or reconciliation, but on forgetting. Sariel: Did you survive to that time just by forgetting? Sariel (Phantom): Yes. Sariel (Phantom): Rather than letting regret and pain erode your heart into an empty husk, it's better to forget everything. Sariel (Phantom): Live on, Sariel. Someone is waiting for you in the future.

As we saw earlier, Sariel would have succeeded in committing suicide if it weren't for his talent. This is why his coping method is to forget the weight of his pain before it drives him mad and turns him into something else. In this dialogue between himself, Sariel does question whether forgetting is just another way of escaping his pain, much like drinking; but, in my opinion, it's a valid choice to set aside the pain when you cannot handle it in the moment. Sariel sealed his power and memories away but, now that he has you to support him, he's unsealed his power and memories and has the strength to look back on his past and come to terms with everything with a less despairing outlook.

Lastly, we come to Osborn who, in my personal opinion, has the healthiest mindset.

[SSR Free Fall TRAJECTORY - 1 Year Ago Midsummer]

To be honest, I was disappointed in that moment. It was no different from any other rainbow that appeared somewhere after the rain. It was very beautiful, and very ordinary. The end of the rainbow was in fact just the end of the rainbow, and it was only my imagination of it that idealized it. But I still stared at it for a long time, until I found that the disappointment wasn't that terrible either. Because the world didn't care at all whether or not I was disappointed. Even if I never set foot on the road again because of this, the world wouldn't use anything I longed for to urge me to stay. After understanding this, I suddenly no longer gritted my teeth and fumed about disappointment. Because I discovered I had other things that could transcend disappointment: people who were willing to take risks with me when I took risks, and people who could understand my emotions that weren't understood.

The world being indifferent is supposed to be comforting, because it means that setbacks and disappointments aren't targeting you in particular. Successes are because of your own efforts and failures are because there were more uncontrollable elements than there were things you could affect.

Osborn internalizes this message and I believe it explains why he's such an active person. He has no expectations for the world and thus cannot be harmed by it any longer. He no longer needs to feel like he did in his childhood, about abandoning the world before it abandons him first. He managed to turn his independence from the world, which used to make him feel isolated, into one of his greatest strengths and it's also because he now has personal connections that bind him to the world by choice.

For my headings, I used a quote by Gordon Allport but, to be honest, I prefer the old Buddhist saying that "pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional" and, in my opinion, it reflects Osborn's perspective and why I, personally, think he has the healthiest relationship with the world. It's inevitable that there will be times when things don't go smoothly in your life and that you'll experience (physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual) pain, but it's your choice on whether to suffer during this period or not. Suffering is optional means you should realize the impermanence of this pain and if you can accept when things are out of your control, manage your expectations, and understand that whatever the world does externally to you does not affect your core as a person, then you will realize there are actually a lot of things you can overcome and that you need not dwell on them.

In the end, Light and Night is a game about hope and all the characters are growing, hopefully including the players who are following all of these characters in their journey. I also really like how the game doesn't affix one theme to one character, but instead approaches a theme from multiple angles through all the characters because, in this case, there is no right or wrong answer on how to live a life in this world. But, hopefully, seeing how hard these characters struggle to keep living can also provide some courage to those who are struggling and searching for their own path.

#light and night #光与夜之恋 #ln osborn #ln evan #ln charlie #ln sariel #ln xiao yi #ln lu chen #ln qi sili #ln zha lisu #meta of light and night

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wellcomeoneileen · 5 days

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PROCESSING QAF POST 3/?

To me, season 4 was totally bearable, because I understood what the writers were aiming for, and simply squinted while I watched and revised in real time. Season 5 was beyond the pale.

An English professor once advised letting current emotion into writing even if it’s not related to the story, that passion can bleed through and you might be able to use it. Speaking ENTIRELY as an armchair psychologist here, I think this season was written with some real…displeasure on the part of the writers, and that was felt by the audience instead of being edited in a more constructive way.

I have done some googling, and this could be true and they were angry at the audience and/or cast and/or state of the world. Or, fans from 20 years ago were just coping like I am today.

However! Please allow me to present some ideas for what they could have done with their plotlines instead of (what I feel like) was repeating plotlines and throwing things at the wall. Angrily. Plenty of these ideas honor what the writers already created or even kinda got at during S5 itself.

This is very Britin oriented, because thinking about The Girls or Em truly sends me into a tizzy from which I cannot articulate useful ideas.

These ideas are rooted in my belief that S5 dropped the thematic ball that they had been steadily building, mostly with Brian, as referenced HERE.

These are pretty broad strokes, will maybe do a more structured/detailed rewriter vision later, with textual evidence.

First big point is if B/J stay together. Honestly, them splitting is a good move on the producers/advertisers side, because shows lose ratings when the main couple stays together. However, advertising means nothing to the story quality. Let’s discuss both!

Either way, I wouldn’t want any of this to be about monogamy. Like I’ve said, I always thought monogamy was just the stand-in issue in Brian’s life for his deeper inner issues.

If they break up:

Maybe the dust-up is Justin comes back from Hollywood and Brian is like live with me and let me pay for school again and Justin is like I’m a man now I have to figure this (living situation, no job and no education) out on my own I love you but I need to grow up.

Idk. Not married to that at all.

Then Brian is so hurt that Justin didn’t move in he blows up at the gang at a party and they cold shoulder him. Again, spitballing. Not attached to the idea for the inciting incident!

For Justin:

Honestly have put less thought into tangible actions and motivations for Justin. That analysis requires more effort because the writers treated him as a plotpoint and mouthpiece instead of a character in S5 so I would need to give some deep thought to how to fix him, and I have only given that to Brian so far. But here’s what I think off the top of my head!

After this start of season dust-up, Justin is living on his own and he’s really processing all of the failed illusions of being an artist. We saw PIFA not go well for Justin. We saw Justin fired from Vangaurd. We saw Ethan have to sell out to be a successful artist. We see the Rage project being shut down for staying true to the source.

All of these are different disappointments with the reality of being a working creative that Justin could’ve been processing as a disillusionment of his love with art. And throughout the season, as he’s determined to make it on his own for the first time, we could see him being sort of resigned to a fate of having a typical day job. Being lucky if it’s in graphic design and maybe doing art as a hobby on the side.

And then I think the Jennifer and Tucker storyline could be really, really integrated into this. I think she could be the one to pull him out of this and say “When I was your age, I loved art but I got married to your father, started having children, and gave my passions up for a safe life. And now I’m a single mom, living on my own dating a hot younger man, and it’s scary and it’s hard and I get judged for it, but I’m finally living the life that I always wanted. I encourage you to do this dangerous thing of being an artist and yes, it’s going to keep being hard but you can do it.”

And we see this rebirth of Justin as someone who is still incredibly optimistic - he just now has a more mature framework for that trait.

I could see this happening if there’s no B/J breakup to start the season as well, and he’s simply not letting Brian pay for things within their relationship, or something to that effect. Which!! I hope to later discuss their gendered roles and Brian’s internalized homophobia and patriarchal ideals 

For Brian:

Meanwhile, I think Brian line for season five it was actually really well set up for the writers. They just didn’t follow-through! We see in season three just Brian loses one of his most treasured assests: his wealth and career, but he still has his friends. In season four he loses his other most treasured status :His virility, but he still has his loved ones.

I would like season five to have him still be vivacious and for Kinnetik to be as successful as possible, but he no longer has his loved ones around him because of whatever happened at the start of the season (if we go with the breakup).

Brian realizes that his career and his body are not as important to him as his relationships. Or at least is forced to admit the three are equal. And we see him start to really evaluate why he is the way he is. I would love for him to dive deep into his childhood, confront his demons, and end the series by making some decisions for his adult self and not based on childhood trauma..

And then he reflects, reevaluates, and reintegrates everyone into his life through a new lens. This is really about him admitting to accepting and embracing the fact that the people around him deeply matter. Accept Debbie as a mother, Michael as a brother Gus as his son, Lindsay and Mel as dear friends and coparent, etc.

I fully acknowledge these were touched on – but he was still mostly given Justin/monogamy plotlines and emotions which I disagree with

SPECICALLY this could look like

Letting him throw down with Debbie? Because Debbie was his pseudo mom, but she always put Michael first. Which isn’t wrong, he was her actual son, but I could see Brian maybe projecting on her, or maybe pushing her away, or maybe just really re-integrating his role in her life and vice versa. That could have had some drama (for the ratings) since she’s such a fiery character. This could also be the inciting incident if B/J don’t break up.

If his second nephew came out as gay and ran away from Claire to be with his Uncle Brian, that could have mirrored season 1 with Justin, and show how he’s grown and learned since then, and forced him to confront his family history and baggage, stop generational trauma, and allow him to prevail over the ghosts of his upbringing, giving him and the audience a sense of positive closure.

And if it was the first nephew, the same nephew who falsely accused him of molestation, that could be some serious tension, and it could further the Justin S1 mirror by also showing a better version of Chris Hobbs – a sort of what if Chris Hobbs had admitted he was gay and tried to atone instead of turning violent?

Lots of full circles!

AND that could have sparked a fight between Brian and Michael as they disagree over dealing with their troublesome teenage runaways, if the writers wanted B/M drama. This could be wrapped into the Debbie drama?

I think having the nephew come, his own demons from his past, him fight with Debbie, then the nephew arc closes out and with this encouragement from his mentor trial period, (and having processed and moved on from his childhood abuse), he realizes that he wants to be more involved with Gus. He then tries and fails and eventually figures out what kind of father he wants to be, and what kind of co-parent he and Mel/Linds are (God what I would do to have more Brian and Mel scenes), he and Debbie reconcile, and he has an active friendship with Ted, would have been beautiful relationships, excellent tying up, none of it focused on romance and all of it not promoting the nuclear family. I say that because the writers said they wanted to not focus on happy romantic endings, but also focused their show on Britin…so….

I also think this is where you could integrate some of attempting to be monogamous plot lines from the end of season five. Again, I wrote about what I think about that in another post, but without reflecting on that, let’s just use these elements that the writers came up with and obviously wanted.

I think he could’ve been the stereotypical father to Gus when he starts to be a part of his life. He’s teaching him to play ball. He’s starting to be strict with rules. It’s just kind of funny scenes. Likewise, he does the same with Ted - he embraces the fact that Ted is his friend, and he starts being kind and sympathetic, and not a bitch to him.

And in all of these situations he would hear from Lindsey and Ted to just be who he is. They love him. They just want him around. He doesn’t have to be a textbook Father and Friend. And I think that would greatly heal his inner child wound which again is something I’ve talked about elsewhere and as I think the big issue with Brian. But if he is able to accept his life and accept him the way he is, I think that could be a lot of his plot for this season.

I just don’t get why they didn’t allow exploration in his already pre-existing, non-traditional, non-romantic relationships. Good for his character, closure for the audience, gives plenty of conflict, allegedly what the writers wanted to get across with the ending…

Being separated from Justin or not, this could work.

And then, at the end of the season,

The two of them have separately reached their thesis statements of who they are. They can face each other, and these will be two characters who saw the potential in one another from the beginning when no one else did, pushed each other to potential throughout the show, and they have themselves embraced that for their own sakes, and they can choose each other for the next chapter of their lives.

Even, dare I say, (and this would be a controversial!) but I think viewers would be more open to them having a thank you for making me who I am, goodbye forever talk if we got that whole season of seeing them make that final big push in their maturation arcs.

Or it could still be Justin going to New York, but instead of it feeling like this bittersweet hopefully they stay together, instead it’s they’ve reaffirmed their love to one another and are very confidently moving into this next chapter. I think this would change the tone of the ending to be, all these seasons have been the bildungsroman and now we are at a place to really takeoff into the future because our foundation is now so secure.

We could even have another “rules” discussion - but this time it’s like “you won’t pay for anything for me for the next three years.” “You’ll tell me when you start to fall in love for the one millionth time for some out of work actor” “you will say when you’re angry instead of ignoring my calls. You don’t have to say anything else.just don’t ignore me. Tell me. “

Shit like that. Because those were their real problems - not monogamy. Not married to that idea either - it could be way too much telling now showing or it could be a good throwback to their first rules agreement.

#qaf #queer as folk #brian kinney s5 #brian x justin #britin #justin taylor #justin taylor S5 #Queer as folk S5 #wellcomeoneileen talks qaf

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bubbles-for-all-of-us · 1 year

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HI AGAIN!!!! IT'S HEADCANON TIME YAYYYY 🥳

okay so because it was mentioned in your latest fic (and also kinda in We bleed together) I've decided to talk about Ellie/Sarah's reaction to you and Joel expecting a child.

Now I'm going to write one general headcanon with Ellie but it could work for both (with slight differences but really not enough to make two different parts) and it's easier for me to just have one name and to juggle with both lol

So!!! I think Ellie would be shocked at first but still really happy. It does feel nice to her that she'll have a tiny human she can call brother/sister and it feels...normal, you know? Normal, family stuff. She's very curious and asks you loads of questions about how you feel, how big is the baby, etc... She loves seeing Joel all weird out around you, even in the beginning of your pregnancy he's constantly making sure you're not wearing yourself out (he gets a bit overdramatic but it's just love, okay?) and he turns into mush, really and Ellie keeps making fun of him because "where did old grumpy Joel go??!!?!!?!?!?"  Also when you're far enough in your pregnancy, Ellie adores your little belly, she loves putting her hands and trying to feel the baby's kicks, she loves chatting with them, even reading children stories or telling them about the newest school project she has It's truly an endearing sight, both for you and Joel to see Ellie so happy to feel like a big sister and really, fully integrated in your little family. But then...then the worry starts. She realizes that soon, a tiny half you/half Joel will be here and obviously you'll love that baby unconditionally because they're yours. Yeah, they're yours, you made them and carrying them and you have a bond that's unbreakable. So what about her? She never doubted your love for her but with this new baby coming...does it mean she'll be less of your child? Because obviously, the child would become a priority as they're actually your and Joel's kid and not some random child they found. And she starts worrying. She's so attached to both you, she can't lose you. She already lost everyone around her and after coming to Jackson, you've finally managed to settle some sort of stability and family routine and now it's all going to change. Ellie becomes quieter and quieter, she distances herself. It's her own little coping mechanism, trying to get away so that when you end up distancing from her, It won't hurt as much. She loses that little spark of hers, asks less questions about the baby and whenever they're mentioned she either doesn't say anything or straight up ignores the topic, leaving the room. Obviously, you and Joel realize something's up with her. At first you think something happened to her at school or someone's bothering her. Joel tries to talk to her when they're both together, shows he's here and you do the same but still, she withdraws into herself and doesn't seem to want to talk to either of you You get seriously worried. Who's hurting your baby girl to that point? And when you're starting to think about the nursery, you notice how she stays away, leaves the house when you're decorating, stuff like that. You quickly put two and two together and realize that she's somehow uncomfortable with the arrival of the baby. She's kinda having that first-child syndrome and although you didn't expect it, it's here and you have to deal with it. Joel's the first one to attempt an approach, taking her on a hike, just him and her. She's quiet at first but soon, the old Ellie resurfaces and she lights up when he mentions missing her puns. He eases her in, goes back to a more... well-known ground for the two of them and then subtly mentions the baby. Ellie shuts up like a clam.  But Joel doesn't give up. He keeps digging slowly and then mentions how he felt when his mama told him about Tommy. Ellie relate to his words, she feels exactly the same way. And that makes her feel more comfortable. "It's okay, Joel knows how I feel so I can confide into him" kind of.  She struggles a bit with voicing her emotions but it's alright, her and Joel seem to speak their own little language anyway. She admits being scared that the arrival of a baby—your baby— will make her less your kid because in comparison, well...she isn't really your child. She's kind of possessive as well, you know? But really out of fear of losing you, losing the bond you have as soon as the baby's born. And Joel listens, he doesn't judge, he just lets her speak. -🪷

Mkay... there is a lot to unpack here.

The first thing that spiraled in my head was how you would tell Ellie that you were pregnant. Like I would imagine you and Joel keeping it a secret for a bit. Not wanting to get her hopes up and make her all excited and then for something to go wrong and take all the happiness away from her. But when you finally are ready to share... and idk why but I feel like it would be getting to the colder season so you would knit El bug a sweater to wear and like hand it to her after dinner. But between her sweater would be a much much smaller baby sweater that matched her one. And Ellie would be so confused looking at it for some time, until she would lift her head up like, "Is this what I think it is? Because they say that there are two things you can't ask a female and...". Of course add a quick "oh so he can actually still get you pregnant", that would of course earn a big growl from Joel.

But just as you said, I think at first it would all be amazing. She would be excited. Caring and supportive. Seeing this as an additional task to help you. So like stopping by the bakery to pick your favorite treats, restocking your snack boxes, making sure you have water with you all the time. And just as much as Joel tracking and monitoring the growth of your bump. But the sickness that has you practically in bed obviously takes away the mutually shared time you two are used to having and all of the sudden Ellie finds herself more alone. The house is quieter because you are mostly in your bedroom and it kind of hits her then. That she would just be an add on. That technically nothing hold her here. Is she really family?

So I do agree that it would be Joel who would approach Ellie first. Especially because he sees the shift in her behavior the most because he's now caring for her more. Like she is so much quieter when he's helping her out with some homework. No, scratch that. Ellie doesn't even ask for help anymore and if Joel pops in by her room to ask if she needs help she just shakes her head. So yes, Joel would be the first to kind of "drag" her into the more familiar surroundings for them both. A hike seems like a wonderful idea and so with that endless dad love that he has, he would slowly make her open up.

And I LOVE the I was once in your shoes thingy. That I also needed to become an older sibling. Because that's not only him saying-I know how you feel, I understand your doubts, I know the fears, you cab count on me. But that's him saying. You are a family. You are our first child. You will be a sibling, not just someone random person to the baby. And I think that would be so powerful.

#bubble with bubbles 🫧#little lily 🪷#joel miller x reader #joel miller imagine #the last of us imagine #come chat with bubbles 🫧

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lonestardust · 5 months

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hey guys, hi friends, how are you? I miss you. and i miss being here. This was supposed to be a "2023 is over, here is a summary" post but this is just a life update.

TW : wound (⚠️ it's gnarly, ok)

I know I've been MIA for the past two and half months, I've been struggling to write this post. I don't sleep well and I've lost weight. I've been struggling to sit and write about how I'm personally doing. Unable to express personal thoughts. Maybe because I'm the least important thing to me now. All I know is the gut wrenching screams of bleeding Falasteen. I can only tune in that collective suffering. That's where I belong. That's every human being's duty. June Jordan is right "Palestine's liberation is a litmus test of morality" I'll always go back to that quote because so many are failing it. So many disappointed me. It's like they made their humanity crumble into irrelevance the moment they reveled that showing up for humanity is optional and conditional depending on how comfortable and relevant it is to the white western values.

But simultaneously I've been feeling the tourniquet salvaging the wound. The strife for liberation is well and alive. Liberation and Decolonization had become mainstream concepts and practice (although some are still struggling to stay fully principled away from normalization but it's happening!). Like all arabs. I grew up watching the dead kids. The slingshots and rocks combating massive occupation tanks. I grow up haunted by the assassination of 11 year old Mohammed Al-Durrah, by Naji El Ali's Handala being a signature graffiti art in random streets, knowing that Israel assassinated Naji because he was a Palestinian artist. A truth teller. I grow up witnessing how they bulldozed 23 year old Rachel Corrie. I think often of Rayan Suleiman from last year. still haunted by his big rounded brown eyes — this 7 year old, chased by the terrorist zio occupation forces that he fell to the ground and died of a cardiac arrest. A 7 year old. His body shut down. Fear transcended his fragile anatomy that it shut down and died. I'll never forget the photo of his little body surrounded at the funeral by his friends. A bunch of 7 year olds. Starring into the void. not able to process what's happening because it's such an absurd concept. Kids consoling kids. My head hurts witnessing extermination campaigns and mass graves, and maimed bodies beyond recognition — WHOLE full fledged lives turned into literal dust. For 84 days straight now.

My brain, soul, spirit, psyche will never ever be the same again. And I pray this horror dig itself in the depth of the bones of the entirety of the fascist zionist world and their systems and fuel us to take action and never go back to statue quo!

On another note, I've had a quite terrible accident. A deep second degree burn as you can see. Accidentally spilled boiling water directly from a pot on the stove all over my left thigh. The pain is terrible obviously and I caught a really bad flu on top of it in the first couple of days because i wasn't able to cover it, wear pants or properly cover myself while I'm sleeping. So I've been bed ridden, bone-tired with fever and a massive wound.

Day 4 Day 7

Mind you this happened the day before i was supposed to start a new teaching job. Obviously wasn't able to show up and that was a bummer because i needed that job. desperately so and not just financially, I couldn't and can't handle anymore the anger, grief and anxiety pressuring my nervous system. I needed to start that new job immediately to refocus my daily life on a track again just to gain a routine so i could cope. Usually between jobs when I'm unemployed I thrive in doing nothing but my fan hobbies. Art, fandom and creating make my life so rich I could never get bored but in times like these "balancing grief and joy" is NOT an option.

And here is a thing. Because I've seen many many fucked up self-centred individualistic takes coming from white liberals telling us how we should feel (they always feel entitled, don't they), like the irony in the colonial paradigm harming us then offering us their therapy as the solution, coming with "protect your energy", "choose peace", "practice daily masturbation to relieve the stress of what's happening" (yes I watched this being directly and openly suggested on a panel about Palestine) imagine fucking telling somebody to go finger themselves and masturbate the stress of a GENOCIDE away.

The strangest manifestation of the white "self care" industrial complex, where people think they can therapize their way out of colonial mental consequences of bearing witness and being complicit in genocide. Maybe we're not meant to cope with this because it's literally beyond comprehension. Insane pathological narcissistic behaviour to think it's even a goal to feel good right now- if you want to"feel good" your only goal should be mobilising and organizing for revolution through action to destroy and dismantle the imperialist systems, to never go back to status quo!

On the physical aspect. I've been lucky, my dad has been taking care of me, taking me to the hospital visits, paying for my meds, cooking for me and all. And as I sit here, healing and being taken care of, I can't stop thinking of how I have resources, I have a roof over my head, warplanes are not buzzing in my ears 24/7, I get to sleep in my bed. I'm injured and I'm healing, able to sedate the pain with medicine. Can use the bathroom because there is water. But Palestinians in Gaza do not have any of that. None. Kids have their limbs amputated without anaesthesia amid ongoing denial of medical supplies into the strip. Some of them die of pain during that deadly surgical intervention. It makes me sick to my stomach. And I don't know what else to say tbh. I just know we live in a world that has no red lines and we can't continue to exist like that. Empire shall fall.

I genuinely don't know what to say, new year spirit and holidays mean nothing to me. My only new year resolution is to never again get numbed by the Empire. If standing for the lives of people of colour and their liberation is radical in a cesspool of white supremacy and imperialism, so radical it is.

I hope you're doing fine though. i hope you're well and okay. and to be honest I don't have it in me to ask about the fandom and how is it going.. It's probably going, I'm just not there at the moment. But i want to hear from you. How's life lately? What have you been up to? Also I am sorry if you've been tagging me in wips, games or sending me asks, I am genuinely sorry if I did not reply, I promise i see it and appreciate it ❤️‍🩹 I appreciate the special friendships and bonds I've formed in this fandom here, especially this year, and I don't wanna feel like I'm losing that.

#about me #life update

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honeybunniii333 · 7 months

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What about the prompt you’re most excited to do? I’d say ibvs but you might be tired of writing for it, so feel free to pick a different one if that’s the case.

(Ah, how kind! Found this one the most interesting to me! I enjoy angst/comfort and find the idea of Isward bonding over scars cute! TW for self-harm, as that is the prompt I picked!)

Isaac was too far into dissociation to register the sound of footsteps or the tired call of his name or the sound of the bathroom door opening or the startled noise coming from someone. He didn't register anything but the blade and the sting and the feeling of trickling blood. at least not until he felt a hand gently but firmly wrap about his wrist, preventing automatic slicing from continuing. Gold met Brown as he finally snapped out of it enough to register he'd been caught... literally red-handed. "Ed.! What are you doing here!?" he immediately pulled away, dropping the razor in his stupor, which Ed was quick to pick up and place on the sink counter instead. "I live here, Ink, this is my house, remember?" He snorted a little. Why was he acting so casual?... he wasn't fawning over him like Drew or getting mad like his teachers... He quietly stood to open the medicine cabinet and pull a first aid kit and a rag out. "Are they deep?" He asked, busying himself with wetting the rag. Isaac was so confused that he didn't speak for a moment until Ed turned to look down at him. "Are they deep?" He repeated, not condescending, just repeating to make sure he'd been heard. "Oh.. no.. not really." He shrugged, staring down at his bloody arm. "Good, I don't know how to do stitches, so that would be bad." he replied after a short pause before taking his spot of the floor by him o ce more as he gently pressed the rag to the cuts to slow the bleeding and clean them a bit.

"...." he watched the boy as he pulled the rag away and wet a cotton swab with alcohol "This will sting." he commented before beginning to tenderly and thoroughly clean each wound. He was so calm... no pity or tears or even anger. So understanding it was driving Isaac mad. "...why are you being so normal about this..?" He whispered. "You're never normal..." he had to sneak an insult in. Of course, it was mandatory. "......" he didn't answer immediately, and that just made him angry. He yanked his arm away. "Why aren't you freaking out?!"

"...do you...want me to freak out?" He asked, tilting his head a little before dropping the bloody cotton swab onto the bloody rag and pulling some gauze pads and gauze out. "I!...no just.. it's weird." His shoulders sank a bit as he let the other grab his wrist and gently move his arm down to start wrapping it. "Yeah, I'm weird, aren't I?" He snorted a little, and once he'd finished tending to the boys' injuries, he let out a soft sigh and leaned back against the sink cabinet. "... I... didn't like it when Blue made a big deal of it. I figured you wouldn't like it either." he mumbled, staring down at the bandages on his boyfriends arm. Isaac could see the concern in his eyes the way his brows furrowed a little, and his natural pout worsened, and after a moment of studying the boy's face, his words seemed to actually register. "You.. you didn't like it?" He repeated. "No, it made me feel worse. I know he didn't mean to. Seeing someone you care about hurting hurts, and he didn't mean to cry. But it made me feel like the worst person ever for causing it." he added and moved to push the sleeve of his t-shirt up, showing the heavy harsh scaring on his shoulder. "That's why you never wear tank tops.." Isaac whispered "Yeah that and they're ugly." he laughed a little before the two fell into silence. "...Why did... you?.." he wasn't sure how he should ask, but he was so caught off guard by it he wanted to know. "...Middle school was rough." he replied. "It helped me cope with the stress, gave me control over something. They're on my legs, too." he added bundling his sweatpants in his fists. "Have you... cut anywhere else?" the taller boy asked, leaning a little closer. "No, just my arm. I haven't been doing it super long, actually. just since freshman year."

"I see.." he frowned, "You aren't mad?" Isaac looked up at him. "Why would I be mad? I mean, I'm not happy about you hurting yourself, but I'm not mad." he seemed confused at the idea. "I want you to stop." he clarified, "but I'm well aware that that isn't exactly easy." he rubbed at the back of his neck. "So I'll just have to help you with it." he declared with his usual level of confidence. "Oh really?" Isaac rolled his eyes, looking down at his boyfriends hard work and scooting a little closer to rest his head against him.

"I'm gonna have to hold you to that then."

#ibvs #ibvs posts #isaac beamer versus the supernatural #edward quinton #isaac beamer

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