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any-apples · 1 month

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my thoughts on the flyers’ season this year:

(this is kinda a long one 😬)

it’s been a fucking ride and i am so glad to have been on it for the entire season

i was absolutely high on them through january and parts of february and i said from the new year to mid march that i was expecting them to clinch in the WC2 spot

which obviously didn’t happen but i’m really glad i got to have that high because it was amazing after so long to even have that hope

i wasn’t a fan back when they were good (i started getting into hockey during the bad years) and i saw my first flyers home win this season!

i’ve been going to games for a couple years now (i went to way more that usual this year though) and the first win i have ever seen was the OT win against the Golden Knights!! it was a super cool environment and getting to be in the farg for a win was electric

i did end up seeing a couple of other wins later on in the season but that was the most memorable

i also got to go to 9 or 10 games! and the fans are like so back! the wfc has been kinda quiet in recent years but the hype is back and i am so excited for next season with these fans!

the flyers resilience has been incredibly impressive. i know everyone talks about adversity but like the shit these guys went through to get here is insane. like all of that different stuff that happened and they still managed to make game 82 matter

also they bounced back from an 8 game losing streak and gave me hope again! during the losing streak i was convinced that we were out of it and that was the end for us (and it did ultimately end up being the end) but somehow they lost 9-3 to one of the worst teams in the league and then turned around and beat the rangers 4-1? idc who you are that’s impressive

im a little concerned about torts’ long term relationship with coots in coming years but torts did manage to repair the sanheim issue last year, so until proven otherwise, i’m going to assume that’s going to be hashed out in the offseason

there have been several parts of this season where i have been concerned about that lengths that torts is willing to go to motivate the guys (coots scratching, sitting frost against his hometown team, etc) but so far it doesn’t seem like he’s done anything irreparable

that is a long term concern of mine that torts might cross the line later on and lose respect from certain guys or the room but it hasn’t happened yet so i still trust in torts and his ability to manage that type of issue

danny briere and jonesy! i am so excited that fletcher is gone and we have new brass! so far i have loved both of them!

i appreciate jonesy’s (well really both of them but jonesy has been more vocal) commitment to the rebuild. as much as i would’ve loved to keep sean walker and just keep the team as it was and see success on the season, the moves danny made matched the message he and jonesy were putting out and i appreciate that a lot

also all hail the flyers brass for getting ivan fedotov and alexei kolosov out of russia to play!

i also have a lot of respect for dan hilferty and the way the whole leadership group has shown that they are on the same page and there’s no sort of internal conflict, as well as everyone’s vocal support of torts and danny to do their jobs the way they see fit

the culture! so overused but it’s actually so much better! and i’m just excited about that

sam ersson! i was genuinely concerned about him and his future in the nhl during that losing streak, but he’s proved his mental toughness time and time again and i’m excited to see him back next year rested and with a full season under his belt! i’m hoping he can be a long term starter or tandem goalie and the end of this season has really given me high hopes for that

all of the progress we saw guys make this year! frosty took a HUGE step forward and so did tippett! also yorks defensive game was massive this year! i’m so excited to see more of tk (im assuming he’ll be re signed) (upon further consideration i watched the exit interviews and it sounds like he wants to come back if the flyers pay him right so im hopeful) and how he grows into this leadership role

im very excited to see how this offseason goes! even though i know we’ll be losing some guys who i’ll really miss, i have high hopes!

i’m obviously really sad that we couldn’t hold it together long enough to keep our playoff spot, but i still can’t call this season a failure in any sense of the word. i think a lot of good things happened this season and i’m happy to call it a success and im so excited to be back in the wfc next fall! im very grateful for the chance to see good flyers hockey through most of the year and to experience all these highs and lows with the team in a way i feel like i haven’t really gotten the chance to in the last few years, just because it was so hard to get so emotionally invested in a team that you knew was going to fall short. so i’m so grateful that i was able to really take the ride this year!

thank you flyers and we’ll see you next year!

#philadelphia flyers #flyers #this post was not meant to be this long #i had more thoughts than i expected to have #there’s more up here but i don’t think i can articulate it just yet #lots of thoughts on potential trades and acquisitions and signings for the summer but i’m just not there yet

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trappedofficial · 11 months

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DOWNSIDE UP, UPSIDE DOWN PART 11

Until next time....

===============================

Welp. I feel silly and really dumb and I am so sorry for LITERALLY FORGETTING TO POST THIS college has consumed my life so much that I left yall on a cliffhanger only to have two more pages of this left 😭 ANYWAY I HOPE YOU ALL DID ENJOY THIS LIL CROSSOVER CELEBRATION!! I would really love to try and do more of these little snippets in the future if I ever find the time for em!!! For now though, stay tuned!! As a large Break double set is on the way VERY SHORTLY (we've been working on it for awhile!!!)

Thank you all so much for your endless support on both series. It forever and always means a lot to the team and I, its what keeps us motivated to keep creating these amazing stories and artwork to share with you!! SO LETS GIVE A HUGE HAND TO THE FOLKS THAT HELPED WITH THIS SET SHALL WE??

A MASSIVE HUGE THANK YOU TO @reiquetzal FOR SHADING THE ALTERNATE COVER FOR THIS SERIES!!

AND A MASSIVE HUGE THANK YOU TO THE FABULOUS AND EVER SO TALENTED @/tealiet_yt (insta) FOR SHADING THE FINAL PAGE OF THE SET!!!!

YOU GUYS ALWAYS MAKE THE MAGIC HAPPEN 😭 I'm honored that I get to watch and see the amazing works in progress and be able to work alongside such talented folks!!! So thank YOU for your help, my lovely heroes. And thank you dear readers for enjoying these series!!! Hoping to bring you more good stuff in the future!!!

-Athena

Seriously though im sorry for the wait on this cue the clown music

#trapped #markiplier #comic #fanart #series #webcomic #drawing #art #crossover #break #au #markiplier au #digitalart #digital drawing #downside up #collaboration #thanks for reading!

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keefwho · 1 year

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December 15 - 2022

10:19 AM

The new episode of Mob Psycho got me thinking like every episode does. The whole show is built around Mob having suppressed his emotions and the effect that has on him as a person and his relationships. I think a lot of people can relate to this, me included. Maybe not to such a huge degree as represented in the show, but still. My entire personal journey has been based around opening up to my own feelings and accepting them as part of who I am rather than trying to eliminate them. This show basically reinforces this line of thinking and gives other context for it which has been helpful.

Sometimes I catch myself slipping up and suppressing things again. I think I should avoid that at all costs since its like the foundation of all my growth. I’ve started underplaying my anxiety with the explanation of “I’m getting better.” That is true, but I think I’m expecting myself to have improved more than I actually should have by now. I have to remain realistic and compassionate about my progress. There is no deadline for when I should be “fixed.” No one is holding this to me. This is a personal journey that I’m allowed to take at my own pace.

12:17 PM

My tummy had a bad little episode this morning but I did see this coming. I wasn’t SURE it would happen because sometimes it feels like it will but it won’t. But it did. I’m okay right now, I didn’t freak out or anything. It just sucks because it’s still physically miserable. I’ve abandoned commissions today because I’m 2 days ahead and I still have requests to do and I feel like garbage now so I figure I should take it easy. I can afford it.

I want to get better about not checking my temperature so much. Usually if I just remember it exists, I figure I might as well check even if I feel okay. I want to stop doing that. However there are days like today where it was more warranted and helped to set my mind at ease. The biggest thing that worries me in general is not knowing because it’s easy to assume the worst. Im gonna try to reserve using my thermometer for when there’s an actual reason for it.

Maybe I should try to be more active to help my tummy. I know my problem could be caused by many things I’ve looked into. I might try making sure I eat plenty of fiber, exercising more, and continue working on my stress. I feel like I need some daily physical activity but not necessarily a whole workout. Just something to get me moving. Maybe strenuous VR games to start. Like the boxing game I have or doing Just Dance in VRchat or something.

1:07 PM

UGH my tummy isn’t quite done yet but I predicted this too. Usually there’s a second smaller incident. I just hope it stops here so I can recover and salvage the day.

2:33 PM

I hate to do this but I gotta chill today. I’m not gonna try to be productive until 6pm, I’m gonna consider my day done right now. I hate that this has to happen while I have Christmas things to get done.

5:52 PM

Holy SHIT I make a big mistake. When I went to take my parent’s dogs out and check their fire, I let my dog out too and forgot about her. I think it was only for about 30 minutes but that was still really bad. I’ve never forgotten her outside like that before. She could have run off or been attacked. The good thing is I don’t see myself doing this again.

10:46 PM

Something is still going through my body but it hasn’t been painful at least. I just don’t have an appetite which is worrying because I don’t want to skip dinner but I can’t find anything I wanna eat. Maybe I can start with a little applesauce, it might kickstart my hunger. This should all go away tomorrow. This kind of thing generally doesn’t last more than a whole day. Although there was that time in June where it went on for a couple weeks and kickstarted the massive change in my life I’ve been going through ever since. A lot of that was probably in my head though.

I know if I make myself snack until I get the appropriate amount of calories that I’ll be healthier for it. Its tricky because I try to listen to my body but my body says not to eat. But I will feel worse if I don’t and I know it. Sometimes my body is wrong.

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flyingcookierambles · 2 years

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Random sadge thoughts/ramble blog about my current feelings /situation with Etrian/Nintendo emulating

A bit sad bc I randomly thought of Etrian Odssry and 3DS games and all since Nintendo decided to stop making the 3DS with no official support/emulation eShop on the switch. Like. Dang I really should’ve just given in to FOMO at the time and gotten a new 3DS for like $300 and Etrian Odssey Nexus/across whatever for like $50-60 at the time bc now scalpers are going insane. Just searched Etrian 4/5/Nexus/Millenium Girl/Fafnir Knight on the google shopping category and they are all around $100-150. Not even mentioning the prices new 3DS consoles go for. Crazy. Despite my fear of viruses and all ruining my laptop maybe in the future I'll look into emulating 3DS games even though what I can find is that Citra is a pain to work with. My only issue is really just having to replay all the games to get back to what my current progress is. While my 3DS still works, some buttons are wonky and won't work and the battery isn't as good as it once was.

At least XSEED is releasing Ruin Factory 4 and 5 on steam officially. I pre-ordered a steam deck back in Jan or Feb of 2022, so I'm just waiting patiently for my email to arrive to actually get/send the confirmation order. I think that since Nintendo is just. Not making good consumer friendly decisions I'm going to skip the Switch. It kinda sucks bc I really do want to play some games like LoZ Breath of the Wild but like. Uhhhh. I just don't really trust Nintendo much right now so uuugh bluh. Anyways sad rant about the sorry state of my 3DS, Etrian itch, sad decline of the already niche dungeon exploring genre with not much alternatives rant over. Ugh. At least since regular old DS games are easier to run (probably due to less complex graphics especially the 3D layer that was in the programming of the 3DS games) maybe I can try to run Etrian 1, 2, or 3 on my Android phone or gaming laptop instead.....

Sighs

Sadge

(While I don't mind rogue like hack n slash games like hades or hollow knight, there's just something that I like about the turn based dungeon exploring map making of Etrian more you know? According to reddit and gaming forums suggestions i guess I'll look into emulating persona q series and 7th dragon?)

edit after work and posting this horrible mess from my phone: after reading this news article that the 3DS and Wii U eShops will close uhh. yeah, pirate nintendo games. and like. even tho they have massive clout as a game dev/console developer studio, i really dont understand some of their partnering game companies. like. instead of keeping them open or having official emulation software on their switch to play 3ds or ds games (since again it seems that the 3d layer + graphics are a big pain to try and remove/restore correctly), nintendo is preventing other game companies like ATLUS from making money on their nintendo exclusive consoles. like. wow. nintendo is just hurting their business partners, fans, and driving away potential consumers who see this huge mess and horrible loss of video games / art and its anti-archivist stance and just go. “wow im not touching that with a 10 foot pole.” ugh. guess ill try to emulate/download all my DS/3DS games’ roms and also maybe my Wii/Wii U games if i can and put them on an external hard drive or something. while i have many physical CDs and (3)DS cartridges and some GBA cartridges (mostly just Harvest Moon), i don’t have the special F disk drive or whatever to make Dolphin work nor a special (3)DS cartridge to USB/computer/whatever reader, so I can’t rip any of my games (or save files ugh) myself. please press F as i try to research more about emulation software and get virus-free ROM zips from friendly good willed people instead of accidentally falling into traps by scammers :’(

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sugar-quilled · 3 years

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ron weasley x reader

request

a/n: i slipped from the topic a little bit, pretty sure what i wrote isn't teasing, and if you'd like me to change it just tell me :)

summary: While visiting Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, Ron's clothes get sucked into a machine. All of them, except for his boxers.

genre: comedy and (im not sure if this counts as fluff but) fluff

word count: 1.6k

pronouns: not used

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Diagon Alley was packed, as it always was at the start of a term. Underneath a beautifully clear sky, students were seen hurrying to purchase potion ingredients and new robes. Those that had already purchased the items on their Hogwarts list were seen crowding around a new and extremely flashy building.

The store front was painted in a shocking orange color, with a large figure standing inside a window and tipping his top hat to the surrounding crowd below. In neat, gold printing, the store was identified to be none other than Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes.

You entered through the door amongst other eager shoppers, and immediately heard a circus-like music, coupled with the chatter of about 50 people.

Shelves on shelves of brightly colored goods and at least 4 oddly built staircases met your eyes. Immediately to your left was a brightly colored display of candy. Your walked closer, and Fred and George Weasley popped out from a counter nearby.

"Taking a look at those nosebleed nougats are you, Y/N?"

"We've got samples over here if you like-"

"Just eat the red and you'll see the red!"

"And one bite of the other side will stop it just like that."

"And fever fudge!"

"There's only a bit of those puking pastilles left, clearly we're due for a restock, Fred."

"Well, Y/N, welcome to our shop and go enjoy yourself! Call us if you need any help and we'll be right by your side in a jiffy. Now come on, George, one kid over there looks mightily suspicious."

You smiled after the twins' backs, not even angry that they hadn't let you get a word in, when you spotted Ron Weasley taking a look at Headless Hats—now on sale for 1 galleon and 8 sickles! Your previous conversation (could you even call it a conversation?) with the twins immediately left your brain and you made your way over.

Ron had been a long time crush of yours. In fact, the two year anniversary of your feelings was yesterday, and you celebrated by having a whole-hearted sobbing fest while your friends stared awkwardly at each other and tried to console you. Not that your friendship wasn't something to be happy about, but Merlin you just wished you could hold his hand. Romantically. You didn't think Ron could ever like you, what with his being best friends with Hermione Granger who was both insanely smart and jaw-droppingly gorgeous.

"Ron! It's nice to see you!"

He immediately swung around and burst into a very toothy grin. "Y/N! It's nice to see you too! What's up?"

You smiled back. "Nothing much! Your brothers' shop is gorgeous! The, uhh, those nosebleed nougats are really fascinating. And you? How was your summer?"

Ron put a headless hat down and strode closer to you to check out a row of punching telescopes. "Quite uneventful, to be honest. But yeah this stuff they came up with? Have you seen the smart-answer quills? Blimey I'd never have to ask Hermione for help again! And those fainting fancies. Reckon Snape'll believe one of those?"

You laughed. "Are you planning to faint during a lecture? It's our N.E.W.T year, you'll need all the information you can get."

Just then, Fred and George appeared right behind you.

"Having a good conversation, Ron?" Fred said cheerfully, elbowing Ron in the ribs—"Ow, Fred leave us alone!"—"Do you two want to check out the back?"

"Just don't steal anything, Y/N," George winked.

"Unless that something is Ron's heart," Fred muttered. Or you thought he muttered. But the twins' expressions had been wiped blank so that you couldn't tell whether Fred had really said it, and Ron had busied himself in untangling two extendable ears, so whether he had blushed or hadn't, you also couldn't tell.

"Lead the way, George!" Fred chortled, and swept away.

"Alright then. Right this way, you two!"

George led you and Ron, whose mouth seemed to be clamped shut, weaving past shelves higher than you to a door at the very back of the store. A small plaque on the door said: "Weasleys Working: In Progress." He twisted open the door, and beckoned both of you in. Right in front of you was a huge lab and packaging station. You could see potions brewing to your right, and to your left, there were two witches packaging a box of puking pastilles.

"So," George started, "welcome to our work station! Y/N, you might have seen a big gray thing over there upon entrance." He pointed. You looked. "That is actually something we've just installed in and its a bit of muggle machinery. Michelle and Rosalyn over there," he nodded towards the two witches, "used to have to do all the wand work manually but this big old thing makes some parts automatic. Quite useful!"

You stared at the big metal machine. There was a sort of chute at one end, and a big pipe leading up and into the ceiling.

"Well, I'll leave you two to it, and Michelle and Rosalyn," he called, "would you mind helping me out in the main area? Fred's left to check on the upstairs, and there's too many people waiting in line for purchasing." George gave Ron a ginormous wink, and left the room. The door swung back and clicked to a close.

You walked over to the muggle machine, very aware of Ron trailing behind you.

"Blimey, that thing's big. What does it even do?"

"I don't know, it looks like something that deposits goods into this bin under it. I'm not really sure where the goods come from though."

Ron circled the massive thing twice, and the second time, he tripped over a wire. Thankfully, he managed to stand himself upright with one hand leaning on the machine.

You laughed at him, and he looked embarrassedly back with a forced chuckle.

Then there was a loud whirring noise, and as Ron turned around in fright, the thing began sucking.

You were wrong. It didn't deposit things. It took them to be deposited.

With a frantic yell and many grabs at a nearby table, Ron's clothes ripped off. The machine sent them rattling through the chute and the whirring noise came to a stop.

Well. Not all of his clothes.

Ron was left standing in a pair of heart adorned boxers. Red hearts.

He tried his best to cover himself, but seeing as he only had two hands and more than two things on display, it was quite difficult.

You realized that you were staring and quickly looked away.

Ron was carefully looking at anywhere but your face.

After quite a long time's silence, your croaked out, "nice boxers, uh... dude," while looking at the ceiling. A giggle escaped despite your attempts at keeping it in, and you were sure Ron's face now matched the color of his hair.

"If you tell this to Gred- I mean, Fred or Gor- George, I'll-" he started shakily, "I'll die."

Seeing as he wasn't threatening you and assuming this meant friendly conversation could be engaged, you stammered, "they really suit you. You know, the red and all. Although I'd suggest a green pair next time. Because of the color wheel and those two are compl-"

Ron had burst into shaky, suppressed laughter.

"Never- never mind my fashion choices, how the bloody hell am I supposed to get my clothes back?"

"Well I don't see why you want them back. I mean think of the ladies you'd get by walking down the street with this lovely attire. Maybe for accessories you can add a bit more red by eating a nosebleed nougat, I'm sure I saw a few when I entered."

Both of you were laughing now, but a yell of shock from upstairs made both of you jolt.

"Oh no, no, no," Ron muttered, darting his eyes around as if trying to find a hiding spot, "Fred's upstairs, he knows what I was wearing, oh no, no-"

The door swung open. Fred was standing in the doorway looking highly amused.

"Ron, I thought you said you'd never wear those! Aunty Muriel will be pleased her present wasn't a waste of money!" Fred exclaimed, striding into the room and circling Ron, who was shaking fiercely. "They do compliment your hair, maybe I'll have to borrow the pair one day."

You choked back a laugh, bursting a vein for sure, when Fred rounded on you.

"I didn't know you two were already on this level of your relationship. Looks like Ron here neglected to tell me some bits!" Fred said cheerfully, waving his wand so that Ron looked perfectly normal again, except that his entire face was now the same color as the hearts on the boxers underneath the normality.

"Well I daresay you two have looked around, I was up there nearly 10 minutes," Fred continued, gesturing towards the door, "and Y/N, regrettably we have no products that erase recent memories-"

"Shut up," Ron muttered, walking towards the door.

"-but the idea is certainly a brilliant one and I'll be sure to start developing it." Fred gave a hearty wink as both Ron and you had exited the room, and closed the door.

You looked at Ron. He looked back.

"Well you know I never said I wanted to erase that memory. You did look quite marvelous."

Ron laughed, though his face still looked like he supported the UK Quidditch team.

"You should really take my suggestion of that green pair, and I wouldn't mind seeing how that looks either."

Both of you doubled over in laughter.

"And," you choked, "a pair of shoes to match wouldn't hurt either, though I daresay you'd rather go barefoot? Shoes shouldn't be worn to bed, after all."

There were definitely tears coming out your eyes now, and the two of you stumbled drunkily, still shaking with laughter, out the shop and down the ever so full streets of Diagon Alley.

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bump1nthen1ght · 4 years

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Deep Blue Sea (Shark Merman x Reader) Chapter 2

Pairing: Gender Neutral! Reader/Shark Merman

Genre: Urban Fantasy, Soulmate AU

Warning: Slight description of Animal Violence. Nothing too graphic, but if the genre of stuff you see on Shark week isn’t for you, skip over the part denoted by the *******

Word Count: 3530 words

Summary: You learn more about Cruz and about yourself

Prologue

Chapter 1

“-and then he just leaves. What do I even do with that?”

“Uh-huh, uh-huh,” Your roommate hums, refilling up your glass of wine. “And you don’t have his number, so you can’t call or text him right?” You take a large sip, nodding and trying not to spill wine on your pajamas.

Well, kind of.

You hadn’t told anyone about Cruz, not even your family, because frankly you didn't know where to start. But when you walked into the apartment, sullen and dragging your feet, your roommate, Caitlyn, had offered wine, ice cream, and a willing ear. That's when the floodgates opened (with some modified details, of course).

“We’re meeting at our usual place in a couple days, I just…”Another sip of wine,”...hate sitting here, not knowing what he’s feeling, what I did, how I’m feeling.” You set down your glass and throw yourself back against the couch, sinking into the cushions. “I feel so stupid, like a fucking teenager, and I hate it.” Caitlyn sets her own wine glass down and nudges the half-empty ice cream carton towards you.

“It’s for the best your feeling all this now, then you can come at ‘im all composed and articulate. Really throw him off his game.” You grab a spoon and the carton, Caitlyn patting your shoulder as you take a pathetic bite.

“You’re right but I-I don’t even know. I’ve never done anything like this before.”

“Sounds like this guy’s got you hooked. At least that’s a start right?” Caitlyn hums, pressing her chin into her palm. “To be completely honest, Sam took a couple days to warm up to me. And I never told her this, but she gave me hardcore pretentious vibes on our first date.”

Caitlyn gives a long spiel about her awkward first soulmate date (“Seriously, who brings up ‘the superiority of vinyl’ on the first date!”), and if you were in the mind to be a good roommate, or hadn’t heard this story before, you might’ve listened closer. But only one question was occupying your thoughts; Did Cruz like you?

--------

You arrive at the boardwalk an hour early. You don’t immediately go to the tidepool, instead choosing to take a long walk on the beach, taking a moment to calm your racing heart and collect your thoughts.

You like Cruz. You like him as much as two people who just met can, despite a less-than-romantic first impression. But does he like you?

You never thought you would have to ask your soulmate that.

There’s a small thwap as you slap your cheeks, heat simmering your skin even as the cold water laps at your feet.

This is ridiculous. You’ve talked twice. Caitlyn and Sam have a thriving relationship (You should know, you share a wall with Caitlyn) and even they got off to a rocky start.

The pit grows in your stomach, thinking of Cruz’s disinterested stare as he swims into the open ocean. The weight of it almost sinks to your toes.

You shake your head, slapping your cheeks once more.

Today is a new day. Just go through the motions _____.

You reach the tidepool, setting down your picnic blanket and bag. You grab one of your notebooks and prop it open as you bite into an apple. You’re 30 minutes early, might as well get some reading done.

The waves crash and pull against the rocks, pleasant studying ambience, but is interrupted by several clicks and abrupt, out of rhythm, splashes. You look up, immediately in awe of the sight.

About 50 feet away from the entrance to the tidepool is a pod of dolphins, breaching out of the water. You grab a pencil, your phone, and your notebook, tiptoeing through the tidepool to get a better look.

Good choice wearing water shoes today.

From closer up, you notice the distinct lack of dorsal fins and realize they must be Northern White Whale Dolphins. 60 of them have congregated in a group, most likely scouting for easy food or taking a rest.

Their pod is pretty small though. What are they doing so close to the shore?

The pod continues to play as you take shaky photos with your camera, trying to balance your notebook and pencil in the crook of your elbow. Through your viewfinder, you spot a familiar shape, not 30 feet from the pod, peeking his head out of the water. Cruz’s black eyes narrow into focus before he fully submerges. Your eyes widen as you lower your camera.

The water above Cruz rushes as he swims closer and closer to the pod. You tuck your phone back into your pocket as you finagle your way up to a nearby rock. You need a better view, and it might be best to be out of the water while this happens.

The dolphins haven’t noticed Cruz yet, still gliding along the waves. There's a quick flash of his strong back before he dives even deeper into the water. The rock slightly digs into your stomach as you lean over to get a better look.

What I wouldn’t give for a drone right now.

Before long, there is a burst of clicks, the largest dolphins quickly surrounding the group and issuing them away. They’ve spotted Cruz, but one is a little too slow.

Cruz’s dorsal fin cuts through the water, close enough to the surface that you can make out the details of his determined face. His eyes have latched onto the slowest dolphin and his speed increases exponentially. His long tail flicks back and forth as he gains on it.

*******

The dolphin flips into the air, trying to gain distance. But like a flash Cruz’s large hand shoots out of the water, getting a hold of the dolphin’s tail, and pulls. You see his shoulder and tricep bulge as the dolphin thrashes in his grip. His head once again breaches the water as he digs his other clawed hand into the dolphin’s side, raking into it as he pulls the dolphin closer to him. The two tussle and wrestle against each other, going in and out of the water as the dolphin tries to push Cruz away.

But Cruz is limber, keeping a tight grip on the dolphin as he maneuvers his body alongside it. His torso raises up as he pushes the dolphin down under the water and into submission. Cruz then yanks the dolphin’s front upwards and out of the water, grip still tight on it’s rear, before opening up his maw and tearing into the dolphin’s neck. He rips his head back and forth until the dolphin stills, a large pool of red slowly cascading around them.

*******

Your pencil hangs loosely in your fingers as you watch, eyes locked on Cruz. You think the struggle must’ve lasted only 20 seconds, but in the moment, it felt like hours. Cruz’s chest heaves as he takes another bite, serrated teeth easily ripping the flesh, as casual as the lobster roll from your last meeting.

Blood drips from his mouth and covers his claws. His cards his fingers back through his hair, leaving crimson streaks that shine against his black locks. Cruz bites off another mouthful before heaving the dolphin onto his shoulder.

As a large science nerd, you’ve always enjoyed watching nature in progress. But a new, exciting, vaguely uncomfortable feeling stirs in your gut as you watch Cruz suck in his fingers, picking out stray bits of meat from his large, sharp teeth. A feeling like a shiver rushing down your spine and heat in between your legs.

Oh my god. Why was that the hottest thing I’ve ever seen?

Cruz turns away and submerges himself, giving you a nice shot of his defined back muscles as he sums up his hunt. You can’t take your eyes off his form moving just below the water, even as your 5 PM alarm goes off.

You knew Cruz was larger, and far stronger, than you, but seeing him in his element reminds you just how easily he could tear you apart.

God, and I kind of want him to.

As he swims further away from the shore, you see two black dots in the distance. You take out your phone again and open up the camera to zoom in.

Speaking of huge. Holy shit.

The focus is a little blurry, but it’d be hard for you to miss the massive mermaids. With only their shoulders and up out of water, they still tower over Cruz by at least a head each. Both have long black hair, intertwined with what looks to be seaweed and various types of shells. The one on the right is holding two larger masses over her shoulders, positioned the way a lumberjack would hold a fallen tree. Cruz reemerges with his dolphin in tow, frighteningly small.

Cruz’s gestures indicate they’re having a conversation, mostly one-sided. The dolphin on Cruz’s back bounces as he talks animatedly, his hunt small when compared to the two weights the right mermaid carries. With your old phone you can only catch a glimpse of the left mermaid’s lips moving. Cruz’s energy dims as she continues and he seems to sink deeper into the water.

The left mermaid holds out her hand. Cruz hesitates, then throws his dolphin into her arms. She swings it over like it weighs nothing and then shakes her hand as if to shoo him away. The right one rumbles with laughter. Cruz nods, solemn as the two submerge and swim away.

Cruz stays there for a minute, looking out at the horizon. When he finally turns, his movements are lethargic as he swims towards the tidepool.

You scramble down from the rock and quickly tiptoe back to your blanket, fumbling to stuff your notebook and pencil back into your bag.

Cruz glides in, his eyes not meeting yours, locked in thought.

“Hey Cruz.” You wave, struggling to catch your breath from your impromptu rush.

Cruz slowly looks up at you, still slightly downcast.

“Hey. Sorry I’m late.” You shake your head furiously.

“It’s no problem! I got her kind of early, and then I saw you hunting and didn’t want to bother.” Cruz’s eyes widen a bit, before her recoils into himself and sheepishly rubs the back of his neck.

“Oh, sorry. You probably didn’t want to see that….” You once again shake your hands and head back and forth.

“No! No I-, I actually thought it was super cool!” Cruz quirks his eyebrows.

“What?”

“Yeah! It was like my own personal Shark week. Like wow, you looked amazing out there.”

Cruz’s cheek tint a cerulean blue, the corners of his lips turning up at the sides as he fiddles with his fingers.

“And those dolphins are the fastest kind around here, but bam! You were on them like a firecracker, kind of wish I had a slow motion camera.” You laugh, before realizing Cruz probably didn’t understand half of your analogies. “You looked uh, you were really good at it.”

Well duh, you idiot. He’s a shark.

“Thank you.” Cruz shoots you a tiny smile, blush still running across his face and down his neck. The ensuing silence is only slightly uncomfortable, as Cruz’s blush stays strong and you're sure you develop one of your own. You try and focus on something else to calm down, but catch a glimpse of his biceps, and fail miserably.

“Oh, that’s right.” Cruz reaches over and sticks his hand in between two nearby rocks. His brow furrows before his eyes light up, and he pulls out a….handbag?

It’s loosely sewn together with kelp, made of some sort of seal skin and closed with a seashell button. Cruz pops it open and begins to rummage inside.

“Gotcha.” Cruz pulls something out of the bag, before turning and hiding it behind his back.

“Uh, whatcha got there?” Cruz smiles, his blue blush painting his face from top to tip.

“I found this thing and thought you um….might want to look at it?” Cruz pulls his arm in front, revealing a reflective white shell, just a bit longer than his palm.

“It’s not a crab, but I thought it was neat looking so….”

You slowly move towards him, gesturing to ask if you can hold the shell. Cruz nods, almost shoving it into your hand.

The color is completely white, sharp, almost polished-looking. It carves into several rings before sloping into a point. It’s empty, the inside free of any sand or tiny algae.

“Do you know what it’s called?”

You look back to Cruz and nearly brush your nose against his. You realize how hot his body heat is as he leans over you to look at the shell. Your shoulders just barely touch.

As if dipped into boiling water, your face alights into red and your body convulses to jerk away from the heat.

“Yeah-Yes! Actually I do, it’s-it looks like a Kellets W-Welk. Well, the remains of one’s shell anyway.”

Cruz stays close, letting out a small “Ohhh.” as he squints his eyes to get a closer look. It’s the most on-land you’ve seen him, with the water lapping at the base of his tail. Sitting down, your head only comes to his clavicle. The uncomfortable burning stirs in your gut.

“Is it a hermit crab?”

“Not, it’s a sea snail. They're not really on land like crabs.” You brush your thumbs over the shell’s ridges. “There are quite a few varieties of sea snails around here, lots of beautiful shells. Their babies look pretty cool too.”

Cruz nods, eyes intent, and it reminds you of the elementary kids you saw when working at the aquarium. Your heart skips as you futilely try to fight the smile on your face.

“Can you eat ‘em?”

You chuckle and Cruz’s face grows a darker shade of blue. “Yeah, you can. You’ve got a good eye for snacks huh?”

Cruz pouts playfully, blue still awash on his cheeks. “Maybe, but I’m not always thinking about food.” Just as he finishes, you hear his stomach rumble. You stifle your laugh with your hand and Cruz grabs his stomach angrily. “Sh-Shut up! It’s almost dinner!”

The two mermaids flash in your mind. You see Cruz handing over the dolphin as they swim away. Then you see Cruz, furiously cracking open crabs with a single-minded purpose. The smile drops from your chin.

How often does that happen?

Cruz was small for a Great White. You hadn’t even thought about why. You don’t even know if you want to.

“They’re pretty tasty, but their shells are a lot more fun.” Cruz furrows his brow again. “Here, let me show you.” You scoot yourself closer to him, putting the white shell against his ear. His eyes widen and he leans backwards a bit from your closeness, but the shell still lingers by his ear. “Do you hear it?”

Cruz stills, furrowing his brows even deeper, but then they rise in surprise. He leans back towards you, tentatively grabbing your wrist and pulling the shell closer.

“Its-”

“The ocean.”

The same childlike wonder from before flushes on his face as he looks at you, bringing your stomach a flutter. Cruz presses his head down closer to the shell, the bottom of his cheek now touching your palm. Cruz’s skin is cool against yours, slightly damp, and you feel the hint of roughness as his chin brushes against your wrist.

“How-How did you-”

“My mom showed me once. I mean, technically it’s the echo of the blood coursing through your ear, which reverberates and sounds like waves crashing. But it’s still a neat trick.”

“Oh, I see….”

From this close, you can see the small freckles which dapple Cruz’s cheeks, peppering across the bridge of his nose and up onto his forehead. Specks of dark blue, black, and green contrasts against his light gray skin, like the setting sun catching the pulling tides.

In the moment, you long to touch them.

So you do.

It’s so….soft.

As your thumb brushes up his jaw, the mottled colors are overwhelmed and overshadowed by Cruz’s furious blush. Cruz moves away so quickly that he unfurls his grip on a nearby rock and loses his balance. He braces himself and hisses as his thin skin nicks the corner of a rock.

“Oh my god, I’m so-so sorry! I just- oh my goodness are you okay?” You retract the shell closer to your chest, your other hand outstretched to steady Cruz. When he flinches away, you pull it back. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have invaded your personal space like that.”

Cruz's chest heaves but he doesn’t move or say anything. From the corner of your eye you spot a tiny bit of blood leaking onto the rock.

“Oh shit, wait I-I should have something.” You whip around to your backpack, shuffling and pushing aside your notebook to find your emergency first aid kit. Water wells in the corner of your eyes as you frantically search. You desperately try to will the tears away.

Stupid, stupid, stupid stupid-

Your inner insults are interrupted when your fingers brush against the familiar plastic fabric pouch. Before turning back to Cruz, you hastily wipe your eyes.

“Here, this should help.” You hold out the small thing of gauze and an antiseptic wipe. Cruz slowly takes them, fiddling with the gauze until it's undone. He picks up the antiseptic package with the tips of his forefinger and thumb, eyes squinting as he tries to read the small text.

“That’s to clean the wound with, to get the gross stuff out.” Cruz’s eyes narrow even further, brushing his thumb over the paper wrapping. Tentatively, he plops the unwrapped wipe on his wound. He looks back, clearly confused. “You have to unwrap it first, then wipe it.” His blush returns as he jerks his eyes away from you, embarrassed with you watching.

“I could do-”

“I’ve got it.” Cruz snaps, finding the perforation and ripping it off quickly.

“Okay, but it’s gonna sting-”

“Ow, shit!” Cruz curses as he presses the wipe against the apex of his cut, whining and biting his lower lip.

“If it’s hurting that means it’s working.” Cruz nods, but he hastily wipes the wound and sighs as he crumples it up.Cruz wraps his cut with medical precision, reminding you of boxers right before a match. He cuts the gauze short with a snip of his teeth

“Wow, you're really good at that.” Cruz snorts.

“I don’t need any jackasses going into a frenzy anytime soon. That would be the perfect end to this shit day.”

Your heart freezes as your stomach drops, and you recoil into yourself. The nausea of guilt washes over you. And then that makes you feel even worse, and so the cycle continues.

Cruz notices your sheepish, downtrodden stare, and frantically waves his good hand.

“Wait, shit, no, thats-thats not what I meant. Uh…” He loses track of his sentence, mouth agape as he looks for words. “I mean….thank you.” He fiddles with his claws. “For the bandage, a-and the food a couple days ago. This is...nice.”

You’re almost embarrassed by how quickly his praise perks you up, rolling over your tense muscles like a masseuse.

“Thank you for the shell, it was very thoughtful of you.” Cruz sputters.

“I just passed by it on a swim, it wasn’t a big deal. The reefs got a ton of them, so, y’know.”

You don’t know, but it’s cute watching him fumble with his words. He’s so bashful for an apex predator you saw kill a dolphin not 20 minutes ago.

“I could even-well, it’s close that we- we could go sometime? You and me?” Cruz fiddles with his claws once more, and you wonder if it’s a nervous compulsion. “It’s a little ways away from the coast but with me carrying you, we could probably see a lot.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.” Cruz’s nervous smile is much more lopsided than his regular one. It accentuates the dimple on his left cheek.

“I would love that.”

-----------

You decide to meet up early on Saturday to get a head start on the sunlight. You leave the boardwalk giddy, your nerves tingling pleasantly with pre-plan jitters. All this energy means you might have to spill to Caitlyn once more, just to let it all out. You’ll most likely tell her you two are getting breakfast by the beach, maybe stop by an aquarium.

Looking at all the coral and the crustaceans. Just me, in Cruz’s arms-

You stop, your nerves bubbling up under your skin, like steam is blowing out of your ears as you think about what is in store for Saturday.

You’re still not sure how Cruz feels about you. But there isn’t a show of a doubt now; You have a crush on him.

----------

Cruz sits in the water, cracking open a leftover oyster he had left in his bag for emergencies. Emergencies like being so flustered he can't possibly go back to the pod, not without looking incredibly suspicious.

He brushes his thumb over his cheek, and it’s almost like you're there again.

So….soft.

#my writing #monster romance #monster x reader #reader insert #shark merman #merman #shark merman x reader

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argumentl · 3 years

Text

The Freedom of Expression Ep 56 - Dir en grey live with audience scheduled! and, Thinking about the aftermath of inappropriate remarks.

K: Hi, this is Dir en grey's Kaoru, with this week's episode of The Freedom of Expression. Joe, Tasai, welcome. Um, I think it was two days ago, Dir en grey announced that we will do a live show.

T, J: *applause*

T: How long has it been?

K: Well, as for proper lives, its been since last year in February when we were on the European tour. We did do the no-audience lives since then, but as for lives with an audience, thats how long its been.

T: Its a big decision, isn't it?

J: Yeah, and people have been waiting, right?

K: Well, I think people will have a lot of opinions about it, and its a bit hard to say to people, 'Please come!'... Well, as for why we havn't been doing lives, of course its because of corona..there was a risk there. As for the live venues, within these restrictions we weren't sure whether we would be able to complete the type of show we wanted to do...Like, the audience can't use their voice etc. So I was a little concerned when I thought about that, but at the same time, it's strange to say 'it can't be helped', but I thought we could at least try it once. You know, like a live show within these restrictions. We might even get some new feeling or new atmosphere out of it that we've never had before. I mean, we might not, but like, rather than not doing it and worrying, we could just give it a try once, and it might even turn us in some new direction. Then after we do it, we can think about what to do next.

J: I see. Yeah, if you spend all your time thinking it over, nothing will happen, right?

K: Yeah. Well, its not bad to do that though, I just wonder whether we might be able to create a new kind of experience in this way. We won't know if we don't try..

Kami: Um, if you don't try, you won't be able to say what it was like, will you?

K: Well, yeah, thats right. I'd like to experience it.

T: Yeah, within the restrictions, see what type of performance you can create.

K: Well, and people are slowly beginning to restart this kind of thing.

Kami: Um, doesn't it kind of feel like having a school fieldtrip, but being sick so you couldn't go, and then afterwards feeling sad that you missed out?

T: Haha

K: No, its not like that.

T, J: Hahaha

J: Nearly, Kami.

T: Yeah, nearly.

Kami: I didn't get it.

J: Your example was very easy to understand, but it was wrong.

T, K: Haha

Kami: Ok.

K: Well, well, I mean, it wasn't the right example, but the feeling is similar I suppose.

Kami: Ah! See, it is similar! I was right!

J: Oh, Im sorry Kami.

T: Haha

K: So, we're gonna do it. So for anyone who wants to experience this, I'd like you to come and see us... Ok, well..

J: Yes, today's topic is...well, this topic is a little old already, its about Mori Yoshio and the Olympic committee. He has made a run of problematic comments like 'if there are a lot of women, the meetings will last longer', and 'famous people could carry the Olympic torch only through rice fields', and has been forced to resign. Well, this has been big news, but well, this program is about 'The Freedom of Expression', so from that perspective, could you not say that he just slipped up? He slipped up, but shouldn't he still have freedom of expression? Of course, I think these were careless remarks, uttered without a sense of responsibility, but whats the best way to deal with a situation like this? What about just telling the person in question to stop it? Is that enough? So, thats the theme today, in regards to freedom of expression, of course you are free to say what you want, but what should be done if what you say is thoughtless, or clearly at odds with the common view in society? Is it ok to just criticize the comments only? So its quite a serious topic about the freedom of expression today.

T: Well, as for me, if I had to say...I'd say im in the 'if it creates further discussion then its ok' camp. Um, he's a tv celeb now, but do you remember when Sugimura Taizō won his first election? He said, 'I want to go to the high-class restaurants', you know, like political meetings at high-class restaurants? And he was criticized a lot for that. But when I interviewed him in person, I asked him about how he had felt at that time, he said he was simply just curious about whether this type of thing really went on in the world of politics. It was a pretty innocent thing, but when he said it, he was called into question massively. Thats what he said when I asked him. So I don't really think we will make any progress in situations like this, if we don't stop and think about why a person might say things before we launch an attack.

J: I see. Kaoru, what do you think?

K: Nothings come out it in terms of making a bad thing better. I think its a good thing to start a discussion out of it afterwards.

J: Yeah

K: Of course if its wrong, its wrong, but it seems natural to ???*1

J: This all reminds me of this difficult word we hear in the media a lot, 'political correctness'. Like, being forced into the political medium ground, and if you ever make a small mistake with what you say, you'll be accussed of being wrong. People are scared of being targeted like this...Even when you see press conferences, people will only ever talk about thier own position, so as an observer, even press conferences get boring. I'd like people to speak their raw words more, I want to hear what they really think. But if they did, they would be accused of saying the wrong thing. Its like you said Kaoru, if their mistake was shared it might end up heading in a better direction, but if people just immediately and triumphantly scream, 'Thats wrong!', then I have a feeling its gonna carry on like this forever. Its important to think about whether the mistake can be repaired. Anyone makes mistakes. Whatever you say, it will be different from what some other people think. And rather than fixing the mistake, I think some people see it as a game of winning or losing.

K: You can't just say 'sorry', can you?

J: No, you can't. Why is that??

K: This type of person (*Mori*) can't say it for some reason.

J: Like, 'I'M SORRY, I'M REALLY SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID!!

K: ??*2

J: Then they would understand their mistake, and be able to fix it. I think that would be ok!

T: Yeah, we should give people a chance. If you don't point out their mistake, and let them say sorry..

J: Even though it would be good to create that kind of grown-up environment, with everyone on the attack so much these days, people are so cautious about what they say now, the press conferences are more like rituals. Its become a kind of never-ending ritualistic exchange.

K: If nothing is done, Mori will never learn, right?

J: Thats right.

K: If someone just tells him he needs to change his ideas, he can take that to heart..well, did he?

J: Haha, well, I don't know, when he's that old, I don't know. But I think he probably felt something, surely. Also, we ourselves are getting old, and when we get that old, some stuff that was correct for our generation will suddenly become wrong, right? We could say something, and people would be like, 'Eh?!', even though it was fine for our generation. We are bound to be caught up like this eventually. Honestly, there will be people who saw this press conference with Mori, who didn't realise what was wrong at first. You know, with Mori's remarks.

T: People from his generation may even sympathise with him, they might not understand.

J: Yes, yes, yes. But if it was made into a public discussion, they might start to understand the problem. There might be people in that generation who don't understand that saying this type of thing about women is complete prejudice.

T: But as you said Kaoru, when people get that old, the don't like saying sorry.

K: Ah, yeh.

T: So, I want people to be aware of the discussion that can happen after that.

J: It just makes me think eventually, we'll be in that generation. It will happen to us.

T: You might say this type of thing, Joe.

J: Yeah.

K: You already do, don't you?

J: Maybe. I might have harrased people without realising it. I might have said things to people which I thought would make them happy, but actually made them think I was really annoying.

K, T: Ah, yeah.

J: When you're in that kind of position with a huge public stage, you will suffer huge effects, but when you're in my kind of position, its not as decisive, so there is a possibility I'm also doing that. Its possible Im becoming like Mori.

T: Will your radio listerners be saying, 'Joe always says that kind of thing!'?

J: Yeah, now you mention it, Hiranabe was pretty bad. haha

T: Yeah, you could just write Hiranabe here instead of Mori, and it would fit. haha

J: Haha, he would definitely say that kind of thing. So, anyway, yeah, we have to be careful with this.

K: Well, even just discussing it like this is a good step.

J: It is, yes. Ah..Kami is quiet today.

Kami: Well, I thought this was pretty bad.

J: It was bad?　

Kami: Yeah, a long time ago I used to say things about women, and I got a fierce backlash, and realised I was wrong. Um, it was a road trip with a few adults to an onsen, we went in a few different cars. During the drive I was talking about how women always take ages in the toilet, and one of them said that she is actually really quick in the toilet.

J, T: Haha

Kami: It was possibly bad timing that she started to need the toilet just then. She said she'd be quick, so asked us to stop at the next convenience store, so we stopped at some place like that. And I was like, 'Eh?! Already?! You're back?!'. She was so fast! So after that, I repented, I realised it wasn't the same for everyone. Then I gave up the front passenger seat for her.

J: Hahaha

T: What kind of story is this?! Kami thinks the front passenger seat is some kind of treat?

Kami: Well, anyway, that happened to me. People usually have this image that women take a long time in the toilet, don't they?

J: Yeah.

T: Are they fixing their make-up and stuff?

J: Some might be, yeah.

K: Well, men also have the stand-up option, right?

Kami: I realised at that time that it all depends on the person.

J: I see.

T: Ah, thats good, Kami learned something new?

Kami: Yeah.

J: Yeah, in regards to toilets.

K: If you took a long time in the toilet at school, they used to say you were doing a poo, right?

J: Ah yeh. You had to do it quickly, or they would be saying it all day. They would be saying like, 'This guy did a poo'. I wonder what its like for kids these days?

T: Yeah, I'd like that to disappear. I want the toilet to be peaceful.

K: You felt something was coming if you went in the stall, right?

J: Yeah, they would throw water over the top, and shout 'This guy's doing a poo!'.

T: Yeah, yeah.

J: What was that all about?!

T: Well, I think boys' toilets should all be just individual stalls.

J, K: Ahh, yeh.

J: So you can't tell whether someones doing a no.1 or a no.2?

K: But recently there are people who sit on the toilet on their phones not actually pooing, aren't there?

T: There are, yeah. Even if I'm outside desperate to go.

J: Yeah, you can tell they aren't even trying to go, or they've already finished. Its totally silent in there. Or you suddenly hear them answering their phone. Its like, 'Hey! That cubucle is for doing a poo!'.

T: This is a big problem amongst men.

J: It is.

K: Ok, shall we finish on that note, haha. Please subscribe. Thank you very much.

*1,2 Couldn't catch/figure out.

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#dir en grey #the freedom of expression #tfoe #kaoru #薫

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urmomsstuntdouble · 3 years

Note

congrats on 100! is it possible for you to write some headcanons for china?

of course! and ty! also, quick shoutout to @mysticalmusicwhispers for some of the inspiration for this :)

He is a firm believer in the concept of chaotic time (i will be discussing various interpretations of time as they are described in The Fourth Turning by Neil Howe and William Strauss, as their books about American generations live rent free in my brain), which is defined as “history having no path. Events follow one another randomly, and any effort to impute meaning to their whirligig succession is hopeless.” It’s sort of the original way that people percieved time, and this interpretation of time can be found in a lot of indigenous cultures, as well as in popular nihilism. I think part of why Yao thinks this is because of all the changes in political leadership he’s had throughout his life, which prevent him from being able to apply an overall narrative to the universe. This can make some things like diplomacy a little difficult for him, as many of the other world powers are proponents of linear time- The idea of “time as a unique (and usually progressing) story with an absolute beginning and an absolute end.”

That’s not to say that Yao is terrible at diplomacy- He’s actually very good at it, and can talk people into buying just about anything from him.

He has an entire house that’s just filled with his old stuff. Clothes, pottery, paintings, manuscripts, trinkets, et cetera. It’s not very organized, though, and some things can never be moved because if somebody were to touch them, the objects might get damaged.

His weapon of choice is a gùn staff, when it comes to gun-less fighting. I think he likes to bop people on the head with it when they’re being annoying.

This is sort of based on some ancient chinese military history that i don’t fully recall so I’m not sure what to type into google but. very deadly with the gùn.

On that note, he’s very well practiced in both Northern and Southern style Shaolin kung fu, but you probably wouldn’t know that unless you’d been around him for a while. He gives me massive “old person doing tai chi in the park” vibes. Where kung fu is concerned, I think his favorite animal thingy would be the crane? I feel like he’d really like a lot of crane forms even though he’s a bit short for it. (also im very sorry if im getting this wrong or talking about it in the wrong way! i pracitce shaolin kung fu, although i haven’t been able to really engage with it during the pandemic, so my memory might not be 10/10)

His spice tolerance?? through the roof. The things this man eats could kill a human

To me, Yao feels like one of the most human characters in hetalia, because he’s the oldest. Part of this is just because he’s the oldest, so he’s been through the most stuff- While other prominent characters are depicted as being kind of messy young adults who haven’t figured everything out yet, Yao has a calmness about him due to his age. Don’t get me wrong he’s still a bit messy, but he’s messy by choice?? like. from @peonycats latest china drawing. that was voluntary. But at the same time, I think he could fit the wise old mentor trope if he had the patience to be a mentor. He’s lived through so much that he has experience with pretty much everything one could encounter. This is also a double edged sword, because it can make him a bit impatient, especially with things he feels he’s already seen and done before. Sometimes he’s just over it, ya know? (side note i feel like that’s smth he’d be able to bond with India over- being done with all these modern kids who want to do stuff that he’s just endlessly bored by.)

He has a love-hate relationship with C-dramas. On the one hand, they’re interesting stories and imbue nostalgia. On the other hand, they can be super historically inaccurate at times- One complaint I’ve heard is that the hairstyles are often inaccurate for the sake of making the actors look really pretty.

short king

His government is often wary and not trusting of him, because they see him as being a sort of relic from previous times. Like a potential threat to their sovereignty? idk, just. mutual distrust.

idk where this came from but I’ve seen the hc that one time the italy brothers were like yo you knew our grandpa right? we just wanna talk- and then china goes yah we used to fuck and i think that’s so funny

He nibbles at his food, eating sort of like a bird, and does the same with water.

Despite being kind of thin himself, will absolutely pester the shit out of his kids (even if theyre on bad terms) for not eating enough. in the same breath he’ll also berate them for eating unhealthily, and take huge offense if they won’t eat his food. like even if they’re just not hungry that time yao will develop a grudge and he’ll make sure you remember that you didn’t want to eat his food that one time. how rude of you >:(

i probably have more thoughts but theyre either too jumbled/not well worded in my brain or not present at the moment. i hope you enjoyed these!

writing requests

#i hope that was snazzy for ya!#yao feels very prickly to but maybe that's because mandarin sounds pointy to me #its a spiky language!#but anyway Enjoy #hetalia #hws #hws china #hws hc #writing requests #ceros posting

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starfxckersinc · 3 years

Note

Top 5 bands and top 5 nirvana songs

AHHH THANSK NOBODY EVER FUCKIN ASKS ME ABT THE BOYS...............

top 5 bands

1. I’m rating Nirvana at number one bc I suck shit, but I don’t know how I could put anybody else there bc it’s been three years since I started becoming interested in them and Kurt still makes me happy every day. Nirvana is completely a part of me and as much as I dislike being defined by anything, they’ve become the definitive band of my adolescence and Kurt’s philosophies have merged completely with my own. I literally have never felt so emotionally connected to anybody as I do to him or so understood, since we have the same personality type and a lot of the same mental health issues and difficulties regarding relationships and responsibilities. If I wanted to explain to someone both who I am and what’s going to happen to me I would just ask them to watch Heart Shaped Box. I listen to the MOH tapes when I need my friend, I have hoards Of pictures of him and Frances because it makes me feel so calm and content to see him happy. I owe so much to Kurt and I’m so grateful he was such a lovely person and not somebody I have to worry about being abusive or bigoted, not a day goes by when I don’t wish I could just sit with him for a while and rest.

2. Hole- Hole has been one of the biggest things to ever happen to me and I wouldn’t be alive without Live Through This, which basically nullifies all of my musical contributions to the world because like. I can’t sum it up better than them. Courtney’s personal aesthetic is so perfect and so relatable, her lyricism is top notch, the singing is fucking beautiful, and the Miss World video still makes me cry. They’re a better band than Nirvana but Kurt got to my heart a little deeper. So, bias

3. The original PJ Harvey trio- There’s not much to say abt these guys bc I think it’s pretty worthless to try and sum up why Dry and Rid of Me have been so massive for me musically and aesthetically. It literally breaks my heart that PJ broke this band up so quickly and then dropped both that tenacity and that sound even though I understand she was progressing artistically it just.....It literally doesn’t get better than Rid Of Me. That’s the perfect album.

4. The Stooges- The Stooges were so big for me just in terms of like, developing self esteem, and the fuck privileged artists mindset that I was taught by that music has become absolutely vital to me continuing to make art. I think Funhouse is one of the most beautiful albums ever released and is a major musical accomplishment, I have so much respect for David Alexander’s playing on that record bc it would be nothing without it. Literally it’s my dream to make a Funhouse/Ultraviolence monster child and then quit the business

5. The Beatles- This is so tacky I’m so sorry but I grew up with them and The Yellow Submarine was probably the only actual piece of Art I interacted with growing up and had a huge influence on me and is genuinely like, super artistically valid in terms of animation like. Anyways I know basically every Beatles song from ‘67-70 and the best summer of my life was spent listening to their early repitoire so like. Literally I grew up homeschooled and white in rural Virginia I was not going to listen to NIN

BEST NIRVANA SONGS FUCK YES I’m doing 10 bc I can’t do 5

1. Lithium- This is like. My song. There’s songs that are like, my songs but this one is literally just me and it’s never not completely about me and if ur listening to Lithium thinking it’s abt you.....It’s not

2. Come As You Are- STOP PUTTING NVM SONGS ON THE TOP BITCH OMG but this is literally their best song it’s their crowning achievement it doesn’t get Better

3. Oh Me- Oh Me js about me developing a god complex whenever I feel mildly good abt anything I do

4. You Know You’re Right- The fact that this was his last song we do not. speak of

5. Where Did You Sleep Last Night?- I don’t listen to this one bc it destroys me but we sing this to each other im p sure. I’m already exposed as a crazy person so just. The mentol illinist

6. Heart Shaped Box- I just want Kurt to do short films I just want Kurt to do short films

7. Dive- Dive is the only identifiably sexy Nirvana song and I would strip to it

8. Negative Creep- Negative Creep made me trans it’s just true I literally thought “this song would be better if I was trans” and then I was

9. I Hate Myself And I Want To Die- I do this is true

10. Aneurysm- I was very late to actually liking this one but it kicks so much ass and it’s like yes.....ex gf vibes

#aberdeen spoken word

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unchatonnoir · 4 years

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https://youtu.be/4lO5V0MPGOY (1:20)

"You should never, ever feel bad being who you are at the cost of upsetting other people"

- Seán McLoughlin, aka jacksepticeye

Jack/Seán's original video:

https://youtu.be/1m_GcVMRgYE

Trigger Warning: ⚠️mentions of @b*se below⚠️

This quote was made in response to homophobia and the stuggles that LGBT+ people face everyday; However, in my opinion, this statement goes much further than just homophobia and LGBT+ issues. As someone who is a massive people pleaser due to the abuse I sustained, this is a super validating statement and something my therapist would 100% say to me, as she's said things similar to this with the same meaning.

I constantly changed who I was as a person to survive and avoid the wrath of others, who intended on harming me at the drop of a dime. I did so my entire life and I continue to do so to this day, regardless of the fact that I have escaped that situation and am now in a safe environment. I am still trying to recover from it and realize that I can be who I am and others opinions don't matter. Its been ingrained into me my entire life that I could not be myself, because if I was, I would be harmed for it. Its been a constant struggle trying to change the ways abuse have affected me, but I am making slow and steady progress. Hearing incredibly validating things like this from a content creator that you looked up to in your youth and helped shape your growth as a person is just... incredibly healing and cathartic. I will always be a huge fan of Jack/Seán. I just felt inclined to share how this statement personally effected and benefitted me.

Anyways, this is a big thing for LGBT+ people in specific to their identity and how they've been treated due to it (I am literally the B in LGBT+ and some of the abuse I sustained, of course, was in relation to that), but this is also a huge thing for abuse survivors (which LGBT+ people usually are, to some degree, abuse survivors due to abuse they've sustained because of their identity). And its incredibly validating to me and my experiences and I am just so mad at myself that I stopped consuming Jack's content when I went on a social media black out. It was a beneficial thing for me at the time (reference above where I explained I changed myself to avoid abuse), but in the end I missed it, along with other creators content, and wished I had continued to watch their content throughout the years, rather than stopping. I am so happy that they continue to make content to this day, and that through rediscovering them, I've discovered new creators like corpse, valkyrae, pokimane, sykkuno, and multiple others.

Im just glad im finally in a (semi) good place (a safe place though! I am safe lol) now, and honestly, in part, i have Jack/Seán and multiple other creators to thank for that. Not only did they shape my youth and help me grow as a young middle/high schooler, but now that I've rediscovered them, they are helping me grow as an adult. Im just very happy that content creators exist and that they've provided millions of people with not only entertainment, but a supportive and safe environment and community.

#jacksepticeye #yes this is from like literally years ago - i was gone for a while but im back now lol #trigger warning #abuse mention #mention of abuse #trigger warning abuse #abuse trigger warning #abuse #tw abuse #abuse tw #trigger warning abuse mention #abuse mention trigger warning #tw abuse mention #abuse mention tw #im trying to tag as many things as i can avoid so that i dont accidentally trigger someone else haha #it actually gives me a lot of anxiety tagging this under jacksepticeye but here i am doing things that make me anxious #bc my therapist told me to lol

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lindsaylouus · 4 years

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7 Swans a-Swimming 🏊‍♀️🏊‍♀️🏊‍♀️ (Monsta X - I.M)

A/N: Back to the inaccurate emojis. Can you believe there isn’t a swan? (Spoiler for the 6th day, there’s not a goose either).

Just wanna say, I love Changkyun, you love Changkyun, we ALL love Changkyun

Boxing Day is always a weird one, right?

You’ve had Christmas Day, and all the build up before it. Now, there’s this massive come down.

But usually, you’re still super festive, refusing to let the Christmas spirit leave you and gripping onto it for dear life.

This year though, was different. You didn’t feel like holding on to that joyous nature, and Changkyun had noticed.

You sat on the park bench, staring into space. You could feel the Christmas hangover in the cool air, hear children excitedly chatter to each other about what they got the day before and see loved up couples on swan boats, sailing carefree along the river.

However, when usually you’d be filled with other people’s joy, all you could focus on was your own pain.

Ugh, brooding much? But you couldn’t help it.

Comes to something when you’re looking at the real swans paddling away in the water, and you’re jealous of them for not having relationship problems, or no relationship at all, now.

Your boyfriend had left you on Christmas Eve. Yeah. Christmas Eve. For another girl. It was still so raw, you’d been going out for almost two years, and out of the blue this happens. Well, not exactly out of the blue.

Changkyun hadn’t heard from you in almost 24 hours, which was very out of character for you, and instantly knew something was up.

‘Y/N, what the Hell, where have you been?!’ He’d finally tracked you down, knowing you always came to the park to clear your head.

He figured he’d find you here at some point. He even thought about heading to your house on Christmas Day, but he thought better, leaving you to spend time with your family, and him.

You looked up at your friend, and slowly turned away again. You didn’t want to talk about this with him, yet there was no one else you’d rather talk to about it.

It didn’t take a genius to work out that your best friend was not the biggest fan of your boyfriend, and never had been. It wasn’t without good reason, either.

Not long after the two of you began dating, Changkyun and his friends invited the both of you to their New Year’s Eve party. They wanted to meet your new man, and size him up, as friends do. Especially Changkyun. He was always wary and protective whenever you started dating someone new.

You wanted to confront him face to face while you had the chance. You loved him, but he just never seemed to approve of your choice in men.

He was retrieving beers from the fridge before the party kicked off, just you and him in the kitchen, this was your chance.

‘You’re young and naive, Y/N,’ Changkyun had said in response to your question.

‘I’m older than you, dumbass,’ you retorted, pinching his cheek. You were forever winding each other up, ever since you met a few years ago. A chance encounter involving a shopping cart and a rather angry shopkeeper.

It’s a long story.

‘Maybe in years, Y/N, but not in mind,’ he continued, lecturing you like a rebellious teenager, ‘I’m just doing my job as a friend, and filtering out the dogs for you.’ He winked and gave you a look that screamed, you’re welcome.

‘What does that even mean?’ You pinched a beer from his arms.

‘See? Where would you be without me?’ He tried to make a get-away, but you blocked his path.

‘Why do you always talk in riddles when I ask you about this? Do you not trust me? I could really do with your support, instead of your judgement for once, Im Changkyun.’ Oh yeah, you pulled out the big guns using his full name.

Changkyun’s tongue was firmly in his cheek, before he responded.

‘It’s not you I don’t trust,’ he began, ‘and I am supporting you, by making sure you’re not being taken advantage of!’ His voice started to grow in volume.

‘Another lover’s quarrel?’ A voice said from the kitchen doorway. Kihyun had appeared behind you. ‘Why don’t you two just kiss and get it over with?’

He began to gather up a variety of covered plates to take through to the living room, as per, enough food to feed an army. Or seven hungry mouths.

‘Not you as well,’ you rolled your eyes and knocked your beer bottle on the kitchen counter, opening it.

‘So you’re the reason we have dents in this!!??’ Kihyun stopped in his tracks, extremely unimpressed by yet another small nook on ‘his’ counter. You froze, but at least it took his mind off teasing you and Changkyun.

He huffed and left the kitchen in a flurry, tutting at you both.

You giggled at each other. One thing that united you more than picking on each other, was picking on Kihyun.

‘Changkyun, can you please, just try to be nice. Just this once, for me. I really like this guy and I don’t want to screw it up.’ You’d resorted to begging.

Changkyun saw the pleading in your eyes, ‘OK,’ he huffed, ‘but I’m doing it for you, because you asked so nicely.’ He mimicked you and swayed out of the kitchen. You wanted to both laugh at him and strangle him, all at once.

The night had been going pretty well, laughs, jokes, pleasantries, you were impressed. Especially with Changkyun, he really was trying. He’d been chatting to your boyfriend for a while now and they seemed to be getting along. Just the idea of him liking your new man, put a huge smile on your face.

If only it lasted. That same night, whatever positive thoughts you had, were eradicated.

‘I SWEAR Y/N, I wouldn’t make this up!’ Changkyun grabbed your wrist, as you tried to turn away from him.

‘ENOUGH CHANGKYUN! I don’t care what you think you heard, OK? I don’t care, I’ve literally had enough!’ You escaped his grip and stormed down the stairs.

‘Y/N, please! You have to believe me!’ He rocketed down the steps after you. Both of your voices were reaching volumes that others were noticing, including your new boyfriend.

You turned suddenly, stopping him in his tracks, your voice lowered, almost as a warning. ‘Just stop, Changkyun, please. I can’t do this with you anymore. Something always comes up, there’s always a reason. Always. I don’t want to lose you. But, I can’t do this.’

With that, you and your date left.

You couldn’t help but cry that night. You just couldn’t win. Since when did this friendship become so hard?

As time went on, you and Changkyun reconciled. You couldn’t not be in each other’s lives. You agreed to turn the other cheek, and not force Changkyun to get on with your boyfriend. In turn, he agreed not to talk about him at all when he was with you.

Not an ideal arrangement, but it was worth it if it meant you two could just hang out.

Now you were both sat on the park bench, trying and failing to think of what to say.

‘I’m sorry, Y/N. It was a long time ago now..’ Changkyun was sat about a foot away from you, legs stretched out, hands in his lap.

‘But you were right. All that time I thought.. I don’t even know what I thought. I guess part of me always knew you were right, that he was seeing someone else. I just didn’t want to believe you.’ You sighed heavily and finally looked Changkyun in the eyes.

Those eyes. Eyes that you trusted more than anything else in the world. Even if you didn’t act like it.

Looking back, he’d always been right. Whenever he had an inkling, a hunch or any kind of negative vibe about someone, he’d always been right. So annoying.

He let his mind wonder back to that party two years ago. He’d overheard your new boyfriend talking to another girl on his phone. Changkyun had stuck around long enough to know for sure and immediately relayed it to you.

He knew what would happen. He knew he’d been quick to judge your other dates in the past, but this was different. But he had to step back, it was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do. It’d been a long couple of years. But it confirmed one thing for sure. He was completely in love with you.

Shocker.

Changkyun finally met your eyes, and neither of you looked away.

‘I’m so sorry, Changkyun,’ you meekly said, as tears were brimming in your eyes.

He quickly wrapped his arms around you, saying nothing, not needing to. He was your friend first and foremost and he wouldn’t let anything threaten that. He also knew that there was only one way to react in this situation.

‘I don’t want a lot for Christmas...’

Your eyes shot open, was he singing?

‘There is just one thing I neeeeeed.’

Oh Lord, he’s singing.

‘I don’t care about the presents, underneath the Christmas Treeeee.’

Why is he singing?

‘I just want you for my own, more than you could ever knowwww.’

He was getting progressively louder.

‘Make my wish come truuuuuuuuuuuueeee, ooooh ooo ooooh.’

He’s too into it, you’ve lost him.

‘All I want, for Christmaaass, iiiiiiiiiisssssss YOOOOOOOOUUUUU.’

You wiggled out of his grip, and before he could utter another note, your lips were on his.

Changkyun’s eyes opened, his arms were out by his sides. He couldn’t quite process what was happening. As your hands held either side of his face, he decided to just go with it. He relaxed and closed his eyes, but placed his hands on his own thighs.

He didn’t want to kid himself that this would go further than a park bench.

To you, something about this felt right, yet so weird at the same time. I mean, this is Changkyun, your friend, the dude who sings loudly in public to make you laugh, he was your confidant, your emotional support...

Wow, he’s everything that other guys hadn’t been. Woah, serious lightbulb moment.

You broke the kiss and pulled away, but still remained close enough, that you could feel his warm breath against your face.

‘I’m so sorry Changkyun, I.. I.. I’m so freaking stupid!’ Realisation had hit you like a tonne of bricks.

‘Can I get that in writing please? Or I can record it on my phone, if that’s easier?’ The smallest of smirks appearing on his face. A face that you had forced yourself to be blind to for the last three years.

You hit him on the shoulder and he dramatically fell back on the bench, feigning injury.

You smiled for the first time in two days.

‘I don’t deserve you,’ a solemn truth in your words, hung in the air.

‘No, Y/N,’ Changkyun lifted himself up to look at you once more, ‘you deserve better than what you’ve been settling for.’

You stared at your friend, wide eyed, things continuously falling into place.

‘Ahh, I’m so cheesy,’ Changkyun giggled, there he was, forever unchanging, ‘but it’s the truth.’

‘So.. what now?’ You looked at him expectantly, everything was so up in the air.

He takes a deep breath, ‘I’ll be your friend for as long as you need me to. And, if you ever need more than that from me, I’ll be right here.’

You couldn’t believe how lucky you were. The friend who’d stuck by your side, who loved you, who had to sit and watch you make a complete fool of yourself for years, still wanted you.

‘But for now,’ he continued, ‘we go on one of those.’ He pointed to one of the large swan boats you’d been looking at earlier.

‘Really?’ This guy was just full of surprises today.

‘Yep, you’ve always wanted to go on one of these, but all your previous suitors were all scrooges. Not this guy. Consider it a Boxing Day gift.’

Changkyun stood up and offered his hand to you.

You take it, and don’t let go. Before walking off to the boats, you place a soft kiss on his cheek. You never felt worthy of someone like Changkyun, you didn’t think you’d be good enough for him. He was such a special guy, you felt like you had nothing to give in return.

And yet, settling for others was what could’ve torn you apart. Turns out you were the dumbass, not him.

He smiles at you again, before saying, ‘let’s not tell Kihyun about this, we’ll never hear the last of it.’

‘Agreed,’ you replied whole heatedly, good old Kihyun, reuniting you once again.

#Monsta X #monsta x christmas #monsta x fanfic #monsta x fluff #monsta x scenarios #monsta x imagines #monsta x im changkyun #im changkyun #changkyun #IM #changkyun imagines #changkyun fluff #changkyun fanfic #Kpop Christmas #12 Days of Ficmas

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luckyspike · 5 years

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Of Love and Loss - a Good Omens Fanfic

co-author credit to Griffin McElroy

The cottage has a den and it is agreed, fairly early on, that while it is technically shared space, it falls slightly more under Crowley’s purview than Aziraphale’s. Oh, certainly, there are a few bookshelves* and a display of antique snuffboxes, and the furniture is comfortable and homey, more suited to the angel’s aesthetic than the demon’s, but aside from those touches it is all Crowley’s: dark paint on the walls, houseplants scattered over every free inch of floor, and sleek technology conspicuously placed. There is a TV on the wall, huge and slim and used for very little aside from streaming. In the corner, there is a desk, with the fastest, most powerful computer money could buy.

For the first six months they live in the cottage, it is mostly untouched.

[* Which hold only modern paperbacks, not first editions, because Aziraphale just can’t trust the good books out in a room he doesn’t supervise as closely.]

For the first six months they live in the cottage, Crowley is busy elsewhere: there are gardens to tame, and a greenhouse to stock, and a widow’s walk with a telescope to be enjoyed. Crowley rarely goes into the den at all, other than to water and menace the plants, for those first six months.

But gradually, winter comes, and he and Aziraphale settle into a routine, and Crowley starts to gravitate toward the den. It’s in spurts at first, just when Aziraphale is at the shop and it’s too cold to do anything else, but it gets more frequent. Longer periods of time.

By nine months, Aziraphale is worried. Crowley is still Crowley, still stalks around his plants and shouts at them, but other than that, he is in the den. He lays on the couch, and sleeps, and watches TV, and sleeps some more.

Aziraphale asks if he’s tired, one day. “You’re sleeping a lot,” he observes. “A lot more than ... than I remember you doing, in London. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah.” And then, because Aziraphale has this look he does that renders Crowley unable to lie, he admits, “I’m bored.”

Aziraphale’s face falls. “Oh. Oh. I see. Yes, not the ... there isn’t the same bustle here as there is in London, is there?”

“No, no, nonono.” Crowley holds up his hands, worried and insistent. “Not what I meant, angel. No, I still get in to London when I drop you off at your shop, that’s plenty. But ...” He shrugs. “I used to have a job. Wiling and tempting and that. But I ... don’t anymore. I used to plan stuff, and spend too much time scheming, and now I don’t ... have a job?” He shifts. “It’s not here. Not living here. I just feel a bit ... useless?” He frowns. “Not the right word. Can’t come up with a word. Do you follow me?”

“You’re missing having a task?” Aziraphale guesses. “A goal or some such, whether you like it or not?” He sets his book aside and sits back in his chair, the better to watch Crowley over steepled fingers. “Yes, I think I understand.”

“Like, you have your shop, same as always. But I only had being a demon. That was my job and it’s what I am. But now I’m ... still a demon, obviously, but an unemployed demon, so ...” He throws up his hands. “Bored.”

Aziraphale nods sympathetically. “Yes. I see. Well ... you could try some different things? Volunteering at the animal shelter -”

“Really? Animals hate me, angel.”

“Ah, yes, that’s right. Volunteering at the school?”

Crowley makes a show of looking at himself. “Not sure that’s really my scene.”

“Volunteering at the -”

Crowley sighs, and sits back, the tip of his considerable nose propped on his knuckles. “I’ll think about it. Find something, I’m sure. Maybe try beachcombing.”

“Maybe,” says Aziraphale, without much confidence. He wonders how he’s going to break to Crowley that most of what you find beachcombing is not, in fact, treasure, but junk. “You could give it a shot.”

“Bah.” Crowley sits back further, slouching deep into the chair, and sprawls his limbs all akimbo. “I’ll sleep on it. Wake me up for dinner?”

“You’re eating tonight?”

“No, but you are.” He tugs the tartan throw off the back of the chair, and wraps it around himself. “I’ll join if you’ll have me.”

“Of course.”

Crowley talks to his technology a lot. He doesn’t see well, Aziraphale knows, and these days the technology talks back, makes it easier for the demon to navigate. So when he hears Crowley chatting to something - someone? - in the den one cool night in late spring, he doesn’t pay much mind.

When it happens a second time that week, he wonders, but he doesn’t investigate. Probably just talking to Anathema. He pulls the doors to the library closed, and reads for the rest of the night.

When it continues the next week, curiosity gets the better of him. It’s around nine, and Crowley is talking in the den again, and Aziraphale sighs and sets his book down and goes to investigate.

The demon is sitting at the computer. The screen is massive, and Crowley is looking at it through his dark glasses. He has a controller in his hands, and a set of headphones on, and he is talking into, of all things, a microphone.

Aziraphale blinks. “What’s this, then?”

Crowley jumps, and then says into the microphone, “Ah, yeah, one second, got an old friend here,” before he hits a button and pulls the headphones off. He jumps up out of the chair and moves to the right. Aziraphale notices then, that there is a camera, fixed on where Crowley was sitting. He frowns.

“What are you doing?”

“Working.” Crowley sticks his hands into his pockets and for the first time in nearly a year since they moved, looks inordinately pleased with himself. “Found a thing to do.”

“This isn’t a sex thing, is it?” Aziraphale asks warily.

“Nah.” He jerks a thumb toward the computer. “Nah it’s ... uh.” He thinks it over. “I have no idea how to explain this to you.” He frowns. “You know video games?”

Aziraphale nods. “... Broadly, yes.”

“Okay. Right. So there’s this website called Twitch. An’ what you do, is you play video games, but while you do that you broadcast your game to other people who want to watch you play. Adam showed it to me.” He waves his hands around, toward the computer. “S’kinda like a reality show? But video games.”

“And other people watch this?”

“Yeah. Got 100 viewers right now.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m hilarious.” He rocks back and forth on his heels and smirks. “Also, they give me money sometimes.”

“Willingly?”

“Yes, of course. I’m retired, remember? Well, from being a demon.” He looks pleased. “Now I’m a Twitch streamer. Part-time.”

The only reason that Aziraphale does not remark that this is a natural progression, as smooth a transition as from shore to sea, is that he does not really understand Twitch. Instead, he nods. “Good. And you’re ... having fun?”

“Oh yeah. Loads.” He glances over his shoulder. “Wanna watch for a bit? You can sit in the background. Really gets the chat going, when stuff happens in the background.”

“It’s not one of those violence games, is it?” But the angel is pulling over a wicker chair and sitting down even as he asks. “With all the killing?”

“Nah. S’pokemon. Like Joshua talks about.” He sits back down, and slides the headphones back on. “Right, what’d you want me to call you? Gotta introduce you.”

“Mr. Fell.”

Crowley gives Aziraphale a long-suffering look. “That’s not what ... never mind. Right, anything you say’ll probably get picked up on the mic, so just watch it, yeah? I’m gonna un-mute it.” He taps a button, and says, “Right, everyone, this is Az Fell. He’s ah, my favorite librarian, my best friend and uh ... my roommate.” Aziraphale blinks. Oh, so that’s what he’d meant. Well ... he wasn’t wrong.

Roommate feels a bit impersonal though. They will discuss it later.

“Right, so anyway, back to the run. Fell, this is ah, s’called a Nuzlocke run, where if your pokemon faints you have to let it go because it’s dead.”

“Oh,” says Aziraphale, who understood exactly none of that sentence.

“I just started. You’ll pick it up as we go.”

To Aziraphale’s surprise, he does. He picks up on the pokemon types, the point of the game, the exploration, and the apparently-bizarre rules Crowley has decided to play to game under. He comes to like the names, and the pokemon, and despite the fact that they are not real, he finds himself getting attached to them.

The first faint, an hour into the game, takes them both by surprise.

“Fuck!” Crowley glares at the screen. “Fuck! That’s not even a bug-type move!”

Aziraphale raises his hands to his mouth. “So Betty is dead?”

“Betty is dead,” Crowley confirms, morosely. “R I P Betty.”

“Look at all the little tombstones in the chat.” Aziraphale sighs, and wrings his hands. “Oh, dear. We should send her off.”

They do, when the battle ends. Solemnly, Crowley releases Betty the Rattata to the wild, and he and Aziraphale bow their heads while a bagpipe rendition of ‘Amazing Grace’ plays. Aziraphale wipes away a single tear. The chat goes wild.

xxGonnaMunch69xx: omg AJ your boyfriend is crying JamesBuffetsDick: RIP Betty and my feelings KnopeForPresident: omgggg im dead RIP Betty JisforJerg: fuckkkkkkkkkkk i had money on Betty living to the end GisforGreg: omg kiss your boyfriend so he feels better

Crowley sits up straighter as the music fades away. Aziraphale sniffles, blinks a few times and tries to subtly dab his eyes, and nods to Crowley, who returns the gesture before turning back to the screen and fiddling with the controls a little.

“We will fight on in her memory,” he intones, as his avatar on the screen runs in a circle in a patch of tall grass. “We will fight on for Betty. We’re gonna kill the Elite Four, and Betty’s name will be our war cry. For Betty!”

“For Betty!” Aziraphale nods firmly, and watches the screen intently. Crowley soldiers on, navigating around Kalos, and Aziraphale watches, although his thoughts are with Betty. He wonders what pokemon do after you release them to the wild. Maybe he will ask Joshua next time they see him.

Crowley, recovering from his grief more rapidly, is on one of his monologues, waxing philosophical on the nature of pokemon match-ups, as his character runs around on-screen. “They’re just playing Calvinball with the dragon and fairy types too, since they’re not even real, and who decided that dragons would be weak to fairies? Should be the other way around, if you ask me - oh, shit, I didn’t want to jump off that ledge, fuck.” He grumbles. “We’re gonna have to walk all the way back to town.”

“You’ll run into some wild pokemon on the way though, won’t you?”

“Can’t catch ‘em.” Crowley sighs, as the screen flashes and a Psyduck assails the character. “Already got one off this route.”

“But you can smite them? For experience?”

Crowley laughs. “Yeah, yeah, angel, I can smite them for experience.” He taps a few buttons. “Get ‘em, Blanche.”

“For Betty!” Aziraphale declares, seizing his mug of tea with probably more enthusiasm than necessary.

“Yeah,” Crowley agrees, still laughing. “Yeah! Fuck you, this one’s for Betty!”

In his chair, Crowley shifts around, spreading his knees and stretching his legs a little. Next to him, and out of view of the camera, Aziraphale’s hand comes to rest on his knee.

Crowley doesn’t blush; they have been doing this ... whatever it is they’re doing ... publicly long enough that he doesn’t react quite that violently now. But the next few sibilants are a little more hissed than usual, and Crowley shifts in the chair again under the pretense of getting more comfortable, yet somehow ending up a few inches closer to Aziraphale.

k2p2ribbingforherpleasure: fuck yea blanche kill that duck for betty bubbletii: cant wait for them to get to the ocean and catch a magikarp GisforGreg: am i the only one who noticed AJ moved closer to Fell or ... ROOMMATES HUH LIAR JisforJerg: jfc greg shut up and watch the game

#the glorious crackfic wednesday #i wish i didn't enjoy fanfiction so much #good omens #inspired by griffins nuzlocke run #one million beautiful beaks #good omens fanfic #good omens fanfiction #crowley definitely streams on twitch #you will never convince me otherwise

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stormcrawler75 · 5 years

Text

A New Kind of Experiment Chapter 3: Making Music

Summary: It’s time for Logan and Roman to give the Human his first test.

Characters: Logan, Roman, Virgil, and Nate (Procrastination)

Warnings: None, I believe

Roman hummed under his breath softly as he went over the first test for his and Logan’s new subject. It was the day after the Explorers had delivered the young Human to them and while they had given the Human the first day to get used to his new space, it was time to start the actual observation and tests.

Roman circled the tank with the test inside. It was a much larger tank than the Human’s primary one since it was meant to be used for the human to exercise and run tests in. There was a soft floor like the kind inside the human’s primary tank and the first test had been placed inside right in the center.

“Thanks for the help, Nate,” Roman glanced back at his friend gratefully. The ravanette Merman grinned back at him from where he was leaning against the wall with his bright red tail swishing lazily behind him.

“No problem,” the magic user said. “Was happy to help. How else were you going to get that thing in there?” Roman laughed and nodded in agreement.

While Atlantis was a city of science, magic had never been forgotten. It was rare for any Atlanteans to be born anymore with the gift but there were always massive celebrations to those babies who had it.

Nate just happened to be one of those babies. He was 26 now and an expert in his field of magic that just happened to be Molecular Teleportation which made him a huge asset for experiments and observations like this one. He had been the one who had teleported all of the water out of the human’s tank once it had been built and was in charge of putting the tests in the proper place in the tank. Food and the human himself could be brought in and out using tubes and a small box attached to the side of the tank that opened on both sides.

Nate pushed away from the wall and swam to the door. “Well, if that’s all I’m needed for, I’ll be leaving. I don’t want to disturb your, uh, test.”

Roman waved at him, only half paying attention, more focused on looking over the tank one last time. “I’ll see you, Nate!” He watched Nate swim out of the room from the corner of his eye. He looked down at the checklist he was going through on his pad and grinned. All down. All that was left was for Logan to bring the Human.

Roman settled down on the floor and let his tail curl around him. Finally, they could get started. They gave the human the day before to get used to his new surroundings and get an early start on the study the next day. And here Roman was now, at 6 o’clock in the morning, waiting for Logan to finish giving the human his food and getting him into his portable tank.

Roman scratched at the bright red scales on his waist, right under his shirt and right above his tail. He wondered what the Human thought about his tail. After all, Roman thought in slight disgust and pity, Humans had legs not tails. Weird tails split into two that they used to walk around on land. And they didn’t even have scales! It had to be such a treat for their Human to be in the presence of Roman’s beautiful tail! And Logan’s own dark blue tail was nothing to sneeze at either, of course.

Roman perked up and pushed himself up from the floor when the door slid open and Logan swam in, pulling the Human’s tank in behind him. “It’s about time!”

Logan gave him a dry look. “I’m sorry but the Human was having a fit. He refused to eat his food until I had him give it back to me and eat a small piece myself.”

Roman snorted in amusement. “You ate cooked fish?”

Logan nodded and scrunched his face. “Yes, unfortunately. I had to show him that it was safe to eat though I wish there had been another way besides eating it.”

Roman dissolved into loud laughter and Logan glared at him. “If you could stop laughing at my misfortune,” he hissed, “I’d be greatly appreciative. You’ll scare the human.”

Roman’s laughter immediately stopped as he took in the little human watching him in trepidation. Roman winced and nodded. “Right, right. Sorry about that.” He turned to the larger tank where the tube was halfway set up and started to attach it to the portable one. “Help me with this, will you?”

With both scientists working, it didn’t take long for the tube to be set up and drained. Roman pulled Logan back to the wall to watch. Logan grabbed his own pad from a half-open drawer and opened up a document to write up a report.

The human crawled through the tube and slid down into the large tank. He seemed happy to be out of the portable tank and bounced a little on the soft floor. The Human looked around and glared at Logan and Roman when he saw them watching him.

Logan huffed out a laugh. “He looks like your guppy cousin when he glares like that,” he whispered to his partner.

Roman thought about the six-year-old Merperson Elliot being raised by his other cousin Emile and grinned. “They do look alike, don’t they?” He swallowed back a laugh when the human turned on his heel and crossed his arms petulantly. “I wonder when he’s going to find the test?”

Logan hummed. “Right now, it seems.” The human had looked over at the toy that Nate had teleported inside the tank. It was a toy that was square in shape and was a shade of silver. It was a toy for small Mers and it was perfect for the first test.

The human approached the toy hesitantly. He circled it and stared at the object, like it was something a lot more fascinating than a simple toy, like a new and beautiful treasure. Which it probably was to him.

Logan leaned forward and watched intently as the Human crouched down and picked up the toy, bringing it up to his face. Roman made a small sound of interest and the human must’ve heard because he gave them both a sharp look and turned so his back was facing them.

The two Mermen quickly swam around the tank so they could get a good look at the human’s face. The human was staring down at the toy in frustration and curiosity. Roman wished he could tell what the human was thinking right now. When the human pressed down on one of the side and a small musical note came out, the human yelped and flung the toy away from him. It hit the side of the tank with a thud and fell to the ground.

Logan was typing out notes frantically on his pad, glancing back and forth from his pad and the human. Roman was gripping his own pad tightly. The human was staring at the toy fearfully with his hands close to his chest. He didn’t make a move for about a minute, but then slowly stepped close to the toy. He poked it with his foot and it was only was when nothing happen did he crouch down again.

The Human picked up the toy gingerly and pressed another side. Roman watched the human flinch when another musical note was made but the human didn’t throw it this time at least. Instead, he folded into a more comfortable sitting position and pulled the toy into his lap.

The toy was designed to get small Mers to get used to a simple concept of causation. They press one side and a note comes out. They press another and a different note comes out. Whatever note comes depended solely on the action the child made.

And, yes, Roman and Logan knew that as a whole, humans were “smart” in their own way. Adult humans could build primitive machines that any Mer could build as children. But, how smart were they really? The goal of giving the human the toy was to see how he responded to simple concepts and then progress slowly. They wanted to see how far his intelligence went.

Logan paused in his frantic typing and glanced up. “See how fascinated he is,” Logan whispered to his partner. “He is so intrigued by the toy.”

He was certainly right, Roman thought. The human was pressing the sides of the cube curiously with his mouth forming a little o. After about a minute of hearing all six side’s notes, the human closed his eyes and started to press certain sides one after another slowly. It took Roman a second to figure out what he was doing, but when he did his jaw dropped.

“Is he,” Roman asked softly, “making music?”

Logan was just as speechless as Roman. The two scientists watched the human press note after note on the cube, making a small little tune that the human was rocking his head back and forth to slowly with a little smile on his face.

Roman never thought that the human would be making music after just getting the toy! Older Mers, around 2 or 3, did that all the time but Roman had been sure that the human would be just like the younger ones! He had thought that the human would just press the sides willy nilly to amuse himself with the pretty sounds but to actually make music! To recognize the different sounds and string them together!? This was amazing!

Logan lowered his pad down and shook his head in awe. “I cannot believe this,” he said softly. “I cannot believe this.”

Roman laughed in amazement. “Looks like humans may be smarter than we thought. We might have to start seeing if he could learn to read at this point.”

Taglist

@punsterterry

@iris-sanders-athena

@heck-im-lost

@sanders-trash-4ever

@tiredfluid

@sevenatee

@i-really-dig-the-purple

@detroit-become-pan

@trust-me-i-just-get-weirder

@radioactivehelena

@max-is-tired

@unikornavenger

@amazonprimebox

@emmydragon

@mm-fanders

A New Kind of An Experiment

@bleepblopbloop56

@shadowjag

@metaphoricalpluto2

@w1ntergreen

@whycantihavemorethan32characters

@theobsessor1

@satanblessi

@merlybird500

@imjustawibba

@that-smol-tired-gay

#sanders sides #A New Kind of Experiment #virgil sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #nate sanders #mer au

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red-sterling · 5 years

Note

thanks for answering!! i hope you don't mind if i send more charas...how about green and/or lillie?

fhgjkfdg aw yea thank u!! hopefully this doesn’t publish before i’m done typing lol

also this definitely needs a readmore bc i got emotional abt Green oops

Green

favorite thing about them

first of all: the fact that Green canonically has a rivals to best friends arc with Red fills me with so much joy and YES they are on their alolan honeymoon you cannot convince me otherwise

okay like. gen 1 Green just perfectly encompasses what it’s like to be a ten year old in a way? like ofc he’s written like a kid bc he is a kid, but i feel like the writing on him just feels so genuine as compared to some of the other 10 yr old rivals you get in other regions. even though he’s kinda a brat at the start, he kinda eases up a bit as you go along your journey and starts giving you progressively nicer/more praise-y end lines when you beat him (going from “i picked the wrong pokémon!” to “so, you are ready for boss rocket!”) but still retains this childlike rivalry and competitiveness and i love that about him

and like. fucking beating him at the Indigo League still completely breaks my heart because even after he did become the champion at age 10 the first thing that happens is you beat him and Prof Oak just yells at him for being bad at things and like. ow.

this is why i headcanon that Red actually took awhile longer to get to Green like please. please give my boy a chance to be happy and proud

also Red was caught up with Team Rocket anyway so i imagine he must’ve fallen a little behind at some point? anyway

the development on him across regions is so choice!!! he’s so much more mellow and even kinda melancholic when you find him in gsc/hgss, like he’s calmed down over a few years and he obviously misses Red so much but like, it’s clear that Red is kinda the reason Green does settle down and he seems to have worked on his character and become a nicer person - and he still has that sassy flair to him! he’s just got that gradual slope from asshole rival to kinda aloof gym leader to friendly/sassy battle legend and aaaaa i love my boy so MUCH

also huge point: he’s so fucking driven??? he’s got the most drive and the most passion for battles/pokémon in general out of all the rivals i feel. he’s only closely matched by Silver, but Silver seems to be more aggressive than passionate, and somewhat out of necessity too (like, Giovanni abandoned him what was he to do), whereas Green just really like. he genuinely just cares so much about battles and about pokémon in general! he literally calls you in hgss and just rants about how many different kinds of pokémon there are in the world!!!

also in Alola he’s like???? just so sweet?????? he congratulates you and is like hey you’re really strong lets battle like!!!!!!!!! supportive boy!!!!! he has come so far over so many generations and i cry

also on Four Island when you play frlg he legitimately says “Be smelling ya!” when he leaves and how do you not love this idiot

least favorite thing about them

i mean. while i get that you beat Green right after he becomes the champion in the kanto games i feel like there should’ve been more pomp and circumstance for him and i’ll never forgive gamefreak for giving this boy his dream, then making you rip it away from him, and then watching his own gramps yell at him for fucking up like. again it’s that drive, i get why Red keeps such good pace w Green but i just feel like he worked so hard and he deserved so much better than that

also while i’m very biased towards him bc Big Emotions, i feel like if i knew this boy irl who was constantly i’m so great and you’re a loser i would probably punch him eventually lmao. in theory it’s kinda endearing but as a real person that’d be grating

favorite line

on one hand, “smell ya later” is so fucking iconic, but on the other -

“I’m Blue. Man, this guy called Red brought me down in a heartbeat. I haven’t seen him in a long time…I wonder where he is and what he’s up to… Come to think of it, you look a little bit like Red. Yeah, you do. Just…Just a little bit. Whatever…”

my namelessshipping heart

ALSO NOT CANON BUT GREEN RANTING TO YOU ABOUT RED AND GETTING SO DISTRACTED THAT HE FORGETS TO GIVE YOU THE POKÉDEX????? BIG GAY

brOTP

for long elaborate headcanon reasons, i see him as being a good brotp with Kris - i headcanon her as also being really driven the way Green is, but more quiet about it, she’s kinda a good balance to him and they probably do pokemon research together. i also feel like she kept him sane while Red was still missing/before they found him on a fuckin mountain

OTP

do i really need to tell you that i’m 100% namelessshipping

like they perfectly balance each other. Green has all this energy and all this spunk and Red is just like… so opposite of him y'know? he’s quiet and he’s more measured in his behavior i feel, he doesn’t really rush into things as much, and yet they both really just took Kanto by storm when they were kids, and i like how they have this foil dynamic and are both still so successful? they’re so different and they complement each other in that way, and they both find success in their own ways

like one of the reasons i hate that Green’s championship gets undersold so much is that he did beat you to the punch, and he has been one step ahead of you, and there’s so much passion there and it’s so loud - and yet you as Red are just as driven, you take down Team Rocket, you’re always right on his tail, so close but not quite there, you’re the only one who can keep up with him and you’re the only one he cares enough about to slow down for

so like. idk with even all my headcanons about namelessshipping aside (and i can infodump those another day lol), i feel like the in-game representation of them just works. they just work so well together, they balance each other without ever holding each other back, and there’s something really beautiful about that in a relationship y'know

…..i feel bad abt not putting as much infodump about isshushipping now but oh well

nOTP

i don’t really have a notp with him? i kinda like. i basically just do namelessshipping, but i don’t get a visceral eugh when i see other ships with him, just kinda a well it’s not nameless so i’ll be on my way. idek what other ships w him are popular?? i’ve been in nameless hell since 2012 so

random headcanon

while Red is still living on Mount Silver, Green is not coping well with having him so far away, and so Green massively overworks himself to the point that he keeps just not being in his gym sometimes bc he’s bouncing between the gym, training multiple teams, pokémon research, and ofc going to visit Red whenever he can. this leads him to be kinda temperamental after he’s been working on 2 hours of sleep a day for like a week until he just has an emotional meltdown and crashes, and then he gets right back into it because he has no self preservation

…….. nicer headcanon; Red can only cook two (2) foods, so Green cooks all the food for them when they move in together. he has attempted to teach Red how to cook, but Red pretends not to understand so Green will keep making him food. Green knows Red is faking it and doesn’t call him out bc he thinks it’s cute

unpopular opinion

look i’ve played through classic red version a few times and when i say he wasn’t that much of a jerk, i do genuinely mean he was not that much of a jerk. he’s like ten. ten year olds are just Like That. i guess this isn’t too unpopular anymore but it was Back In The Day and in some parts of the fandom he’s still seen as a jerk and like Bro He Is Ten In RGB/FRLG cut him some slack

also genuinely unpopular - Green is taller than Red. i know namelessshipping has fallen into the bara Red and twink Green trope but i refuse to let go of tall Green/short Red fuckin fight me why dont you

song i associate with them

a lot of the Pray For The Wicked album by Panic! at the Disco gives me Green vibes, more for the sound than for lyrics necessarily, but for some reason Roaring 20s just like. has the sound of Green to me. it’s somewhere between flamboyant pride and underlying insecurity that i think really encapsulates Green (or at least his subtext)

favorite picture of them

i genuinely love his let’s go concept art he’s such a sweet good boy??

and for the life of me i cannot find the op source on this but this is my fave pic of Green/namelessshipping in general that i’ve had saved since like 2012 maybe???

yeah if anyone can help me source that i’d appreciate it bc reverse image search only brings me to pinterest and random wattpad links :/

update: source seems to be the artist くる (pixiv id=982894) on pixiv, even though the original post got taken down (ty anon!)

Lillie

favorite thing about them

by now i guess you know im a sucker for character development, but i think they did a really good job with her!! i feel like her turn is a bit more in moments than it is with Green, who gradually evolves (lol) over the course of Kanto/all the gens overall. you see more discrete moments where Lillie starts to shift and gain confidence in herself and i am so proud of her ???? like the way she gets excited when she sees Olivia doin’ her z-move stuff, she starts buying her own clothes and getting ahead of you, etc etc

and like, she still has moments where she’s scared, there’s still some fundamental Lillie in there yknow? you don’t lose any of that softness that characterizes Lillie, she just like… she gets better, she develops without losing her Lillie vibe and i love that abt her. she overcomes a lot of the shit she had to deal with when she was stuck with Lusamine, she stands up to Lusamine eventually, and ghfdkjsg gah she’s a sweet gorl i love and appreciate her

also like. the writing on her backstory is so subtle in-universe. like yeah she literally looks like Lusamine’s daughter and you see her in the opening cutscene leaving Aether, but as the protagonist - like as Selene lets say, there’s little hints about where Lillie came from, and if you suspend your disbelief and put yourself in the pc’s shoes, there’s subtly to her character arc that i like

also like. when she changes her outfit and starts being more protagonist-y, like more confident and kinda bubbly instead of shy??? love that shit it’s so cute can i have custody of this child pls

least favorite thing about them

i like. sometimes feel like she’s too soft of a character for me to really get into? like i love her and Hau, they’re sweet good friends, but i tend to personally gravitate towards characters that create a little more tension (ie Green and N)

(though on that note, Hau can be kinda savage. he just calls Faba out and sarcastically calls Gladion “a ray of sunshine” at some point i think?? Lillie is just very tender and i will support her forever, but i think that also makes her almost too soft to keep me fixated on her yknow. it’s not even a flaw in her character but just not something i fawn over as much)

favorite line

“I’m so glad I got to meet everyone. I’m so glad I got to meet you.”

like that ending kills me but that line almost feels like. I Feel That So Much like i feel so happy to have met all these new characters and to have played these games, and i feel like some of the player’s energy and enjoyment of the game is channeled into this last line of hers

also GET IN THE BAG

brOTP

probably her and Hau?? idk, i don’t have a specific brotp for her but i like her just hangin around w the other Alola kids, so like her, Hau, Gladion, and the protag kids. they’d raise hell together and Lillie continues to be the only one with some impulse control

(Gladion also has some impulse control but keeps getting annoyed by Hau and so he gets dragged into their nonsense anyway)

OTP

Selene and Lillie is. Good. idk what the ship name is but it’s canon

nOTP

i dont even know if people ship her with Gladion but incest is a big no-no in my house

random headcanon

when she goes to Kanto, i bet she’d pick Bulbasaur as a starter if she was given the opportunity - and if not, she’d probably catch a wild Vulpix

unpopular opinion

idk if have any unpopular opinions for her??

song i associate with them

i have no reason to associate this with her but the Rainy Day theme from acgc just. has a vibe about it. i think a lot of ac music feels like it suits her

favorite picture of them

i found this art of her through a lofi remix of her theme awhile back and it’s so pleasing to look at? her hair is nice and the colors are so warm n happy gjhkfdgf

if you read this far, congratulations!!! and i’m sorry

#thank u for asking again and i'm sorry this took so long and *is* so long lol #sterling content #Anonymous

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hotshotshitshow · 5 years

Text

i guess just because ive been on a roll lately and also oversharing is my lifelong passion i want to verbal diarrhea a lil bit about my own experience of coming to the conclusion that im a lesbian so pls feel free to ignore if u want or whatever i just have Lots Of Thoughts and i just want to get them out. this gets sort of weirdly long winded and shouty and ranty so im sorry. catharsis!

even now i still feel some level of .... idk? shame? regret? i dunno. about the fact that i didnt come to the conclusion that i was a lesbian until i was 25 bc that feels so late to me even though i know for a fact that there are countless other people who came to similar realizations about themselves when they were much older than me.

and ngl there is even a little bit of envy that there are so many kids so much younger than me who seem so sure of their identities (even though i know there are loads of kids who arent sure!!!) and there are moments where i catch myself thinking of myself as “less of a lesbian” because i didnt allow myself to face the fact that i was one until fairly recently ..... and i am still learning so much and trying to cultivate my own identity and just all around see myself as “less experienced” (whatever the fuck thats supposed to mean) than others which undoubtedly is a part of the massive chasm that all my self confidence gets sucked into daily.

but like obviously its not like just BOOM one day i was like “from here on out i am a lesbian now!!!!!!! :)” bc even from a very young age i was always more drawn to women and could not wrap my head around the idea that someday i would have to marry a man and completely idealized my mom’s best friend who was a big burly woman who drove a truck and wore flannels and knew that i wanted to be just like her when i grew up and never ever marry a dude (which in retrospect was sort of weird because my mom usually hates women like that and i grew up with her periodically warning me to “stay away from fucking dykes theyre mean awful ugly women”)

and then the always confusing for everyone period of middle school where i dated a boy for three days before breaking it off because the whole situation gave me more anxiety than i could deal with but i just chalked it up to me being an emotionally immature teen but also being completely obsessed with my best girl friend and wanting to impress her and have her attention all the time and being unable to understand why i was so upset when she started dating some guy and me just assuming that i was upset because i had a crush on him that id never realized i had before

and then id go home and spend hours online looking up content for my favorite shoujo-ai anime ships and talking with other wlw on the gaiaonline guild forums and asking them questions about how you knew if you were gay or not and if liking almost exclusively girl/girl ships meant you were gay and only being told in response “plenty of heterosexual girls like girl/girl ships!! youre the only one who can tell if youre gay or not!! :)” and just feeling completely confused and alone and having no idea what to think!!!! and then having one day that i remember very specifically where i had a shining moment of clarity for all of half an hour where i thought “i AM a lesbian!!!” and feeling so happy in that moment before my brain took over with the thoughts of “but what if you come across one particular guy sometime...... can’t rule out that possibility” but i knew i really wanted to be a lesbian but just could not allow myself to think i was one

and then fast forwarding up to undergrad where i briefly dated an online guy friend (hi) for like. a month? and then abruptly breaking that off in the worst way possible because i had no fucking clue what i was doing and once again chalked it all up to being emotionally immature and from that moment out identified as aromantic because i figured there was something fucking wrong with me and romance was just not something i could do!!!!! and thinking there was absolutely no fucking way i could be a lesbian and it was completely not even remotely an option because there were certain aesthetic things about men that i appreciated and also never once having had a “proper crush” on anyone or at least not one that i could identify because everyone always talked about love feeling like fireworks and something big and id never felt that for anyone ever so obviously that meant i was incapable of love!!!! so i shoved the whole notion of trying to figure myself out way way way down and didnt look at it for years afterwards

until i got into graduate school and for some fucking reason my brain decided it was time to dig all that old shit back up and i SUDDENLY COULD NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT AGAIN SCREAMS. and feeling more attracted to women than ever even though i always knew that i liked women

and i still couldnt entertain the idea that i might be a lesbian because even though id been in a very happy relationship with beansly for a few years at that point and knew for a fact i was not aromantic there was still that thought of “Ok But What If You Meet One Guy Sometime”

and this sounds dumb as fuck but it wasnt until beansly straight up told me “if i had to label you id think you were a lesbian” that my brain went “what if theyre right” (TO WHICH I IMMEDIATELY WENT NOPE but acknowledged that the fact that they called me that made me feel really really good) (but kept thinking about that and kept bringing it back up to myself and ruminating over and over and over it) and then even more dumb as fuck i couldnt admit it to myself until i saw a fucking tumblr post that had something to the effect of “a common thing for lesbians who dont know theyre lesbians yet is that they really want to be a lesbian. its ok to be a lesbian” AND THEN I FUCKING CRIED LIKE A LITTLE FUCKING BABY AND HID UNDER MY BLANKIES but the fucking relief and validation my dude but then being presented with a whole new heap of Problems such as “how the fuck do i come out to people. everyone will think i am faking and Not Enough” and just having to deal with the struggle of owning that label and allowing myself to feel good about it and not let my brain convince me that i am somehow unworthy. and i am completely worthy because i love women and not men and thats the one fucking qualification i need to meet so my brain can go fuck itself into oblivion. ive spent so much time worrying over how much of myself i owe to men and holding myself back for a man that does not exist and will never exist and part of why i keep excitedly bringing up the fact that im a huge fucking lesbian is because in my mind its a huge testament to my personal progress and taking ownership over myself and no longer holding myself back over hypotheticals

so yeah anyway at the end of the day i still have so much more growing i need to do and i still see myself as a small shakey little chihuahua with a big mouth but i am a damn stronger person than i was even a year ago!!!! and learning that your attraction and what label you identify with is supposed to make you feel good was one of the best things i ever learned. i just really wish i could have had the self awareness or at least resources that i have now when i was younger and could have figured it out a little sooner. i know it doesnt make me “lesser” and technically i am still a very young person and have my whole life ahead of me but. idk i just wish id had it in me to be more honest with myself sooner. idk how other people can be so sure of themselves when they are so much younger. that just wasnt me i guess

#so i made a post about it

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