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yesimwriting · 3 years

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Searing Starlight (chapter two)

A/n Chapter twooo!! I cannot believe the support I’ve been getting on here im so excited to share my six of crows/shadow and bone fics with y’all!

Lmk if you’d like to be tagged when I update this story!! And just letting y’all know I take requests so if you have an idea you’d like to see me attempt feel free to comment it or send it in :))

At least Kaz’s claimed ‘wraith’ (which is such an odd thing to just have) is a girl, and a seemingly kind one at that. She was quick to find me, body pressed into wooden shelves and glass bottles, and subtly gesture for me to follow her. It had been difficult to keep track of her flighty form through the crowd, but I think there was a point in her strange raveling, to make sure no one was following me.

She’s not particularly talkative, but she doesn’t seem bothered by me. She tossed me a random oversized shirt to pull over my dress when she saw how I kept adjusting the fabric and crossing my arms. That was kinder than she needed to be. I think I’ll like her.

“So you’re a wraith,” I manage, breaking the nervous silence, “Like a full time, constantly on-call wraith.”

The question seems to puzzle her, dark eyebrows drawing together. “Yes.” The corner of her mouth twitches up slightly, a smile. “A full time, constantly on-call wraith.” She hesitates, perfect stance adjusting. “What were you doing before?”

Great. This question. “Nothing important.” It’s not a fair cop-out. Especially since she answered my question. “I um...I’m indentured to Rollan Kenya.”

I watch her reaction to the name. Some know of him. Some revere him. Some loathe him and everything he’s associated with. “His religious interpretations are controversial.”

“If you think what he says to the public is bad you should hear what he says in private.” I push myself further into the chair I’m in.

Something strange flickers over her features. “I can imagine.”

Shaking my head, I hope I’m ending this conversation. “What’s your name?”

A hesitation. “Inej.”

I nod once, “I’m y/n.”

“Do you need water, y/n?”

I scratch my still exposed knee. “That’d be nice. Thank you.”

She’s quick to leave, feet making no noise. A minute later she returns with a cup. I have no reason to suspect her, but I still sniff the cup before taking a cautious sip. I wonder if Anya made it back home. I wonder if she’s worse off for it.

Before I can fall into a pit of debating despair, the door to the room Inej took me to squeaks open. On instinct, I snap my gaze towards the door, tensing. The first person I notice is Kaz, entering the room with a determination too intense for this time of night. Jesper is quick to follow, and I drop my stare. I’ve never had to interact with anyone I’ve lied to after taking their money.

“Are they gone?” Inej asks, clearly accustomed to such brooding tension.

Kaz nods once, “It took too much convincing--the Inferni’s more than she’s letting on.”

I’m literally in the room. “I’m not--we’ve spoken two words to each other, sorry my abilities didn’t come up.”

He turns towards me with a deadly grace. My grip on the cup tightens. What the hell is wrong for me? How deeply instilled is that god complex Kenya wanted in me? It must be as part of me as my name if I felt comfortable enough to speak that way to Kaz Brekker.

I keep my eyes on his cane, waiting for some kind of physical retaliation. “Maybe the grisha hunting you would appreciate your sense of humor more.”

It’s a bluff. He needs me. He’s desperate for something that can mimic a Sun Summoner. Still though, I’m not in the mood to poke a bear with a stick. “Speaking from experience,” I clear my throat awkwardly, “They tend not to.”

“Then I suggest you begin explaining before I decide I’d rather take my chances and you lose your worth.”

Maybe if I hadn’t spent the last eleven years of my life with Kenya, his words would haunt me. I keep my expression set, but the lanterns in the room flicker. “It’s not as impressive as they’re making it seem--Inferni can produce fire, regular, red, bright fire.” I pause, feeling energy in my palms. “I can do the same, but I can also,” I extend a flat palm, “Do this.”

I focus my energy on restraint, forcing the fire on my skin to remain there, covering my palms in a cold, blue glow. “It’s still fire, just blue--and that matters to them because blue light is the only kind you can use in the Fold.” Do they know anything about the fold? “Kenya, the man I’m indentured to, believes that this ability makes me eligible for Sainthood. He specializes in collecting people he thinks are eligible for Sainthood.” The low flame coating my palm licks upwards as I remember what disappointing Kenya means. “And if you don’t meet his standards, he’ll find a way to make sure you do. That’s why the grisha want me. He made me more and they believe that if they give me to someone who can give me an amplifier I’ll be able to produce enough blue light to protect an entire fleet.”

“What do you mean ‘he’ll find a way to make sure you do’?” Inej’s voice is cautious. An attempt to be respectful.

I drop my palm, letting the fire disappear into nothingness. “I wasn’t born with the ability to control the blue light so well--It’s difficult enough to produce for longer than two seconds let alone keep it from burning everything in sight. By the time I ended up in Kenya’s control he had learned that certain stimulants. Some scientists are working on a more grisha-targeted kind, but Kenya has managed to work with the generic well enough.” Hands shaking, I wipe the condensation off the side of the cup and hold out my wrist. Using the condensation, I begin to wipe at my wrist and forearm, smearing my makeup and revealing the needle bruises. “The key is withdrawals.”

Thoughts of begging Kenya, crying and screaming for another fix as he promised to give me that as soon as I showed some control of my abilities, make the shaking in my hand worse. I clasp my hands together, squeezing them in hopes of hiding the signs of withdrawal.

I stare at the ground, not wanting to take anyone’s reaction in. I handle pity as well as I handle kindness.

“Do you think you could produce enough blue light for one ship?”

Looking up, I take in Kaz’s measured expression. I’m glad he’s sticking to business. I’d rather that than deal with unpacking all of that with a group of strangers that don’t care if I live or die.

“I could try.” I’ve never tried to protect anything that large. “Even if I can, it doesn’t mean a voyage like that will be safe.”

“There’s no real safety in the Fold,” he replies easily. Realistic expectations. That will make this easier. “No one finds out about her--especially not Pekka Rollins.”

I pull my arm towards my body, glad for the opportunity to hide the bruises. Signs of my weakness. The worst part was always the way Kenya would speak to me after. Pathetic. Weak. Trapped within the restraints of my flesh.

“Who’s Pekka Rollins?”

Kaz briefly turns his head in my direction. “No one that will ever concern you.” He ignores my annoyed huff. “We’ll use the Inferni to get to Alina Starkov.”

Alina. Alina Starkov. “What do you want with Alina?”

At that, the room seems to drain. I feel weirder than when they were seeing my abilities.

“You know her?” Jesper’s surprise reveals more than Kaz wants him to. I don’t miss the glare he receives.

I half-shrug. “We were in the same orphanage for awhile.”

“How did you get to Ketterdam?” I don’t trust Kaz’s urgency.

“I don’t remember, I was a child and I--I hit my head that night I think. I just woke up and I was with Kenya.”

“How well do you know Alina?”

There was a point in time in which she was my best friend. We learned how to braid hair by practicing on each other, we would draw maps together, and I was the only one who knew about her crush on Mal. “Not that well.”

He takes a step forward, eyes almost squinting. The touch of distrust is evident on his face. “If you’re lying I’ll find out.”

I owe Alina at least this. “Well then it’s a good thing I’m not.”

I’m not naive enough to believe that I’ve convinced him, but his intense gaze does not remain on me. I’m relieved when his attention is off of me, but he’s only moving on to start planning the riskiest thing I’ve ever done.

Taglist: @ambrosia-v-black

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carry-on-my-wayward-butt · 4 years

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He did? Umm.. what happened exactly?

(referring to this post)

my 11th grade chemistry teacher had an associates degree in liberal arts.

you know how in virtually every class you’ve ever had since middle school, your teachers made a big stink about the syllabus? she didn’t have one. this was her first teaching job, which she got because of her length experience as a substitute, not by her licensing qualifications. we were, at first, excited to have her, because she was a “fun sub” and we were 17 years old and stupid as all shit. we were the “normal chem” class in a system where the only other options were “honors chem” which was filled with children who actually know how to study (or cheat) and have an air of proper student activity, and “AP Chem”, which is clear enough if you’ve been an american student in the last 15 years.

she followed the mcgraw hill chemistry book in order of chapters, despite the fact that our state standardized tests did several of the chapters out of order. ever notice how you’ll suddenly be looking at chapter 11 when just last week you were on chapter 5, then the next week you’re on chapter 8? standardized testing is the reason. anyways by asking my friends in other classes who had chemistry teachers of relative competence, i was able to discern which chapters i should focus on, and while she was distracted with literally watching youtube videos all period, I was turning around in my seat and walking across the classroom helping my friends and enemies with the packets. (she was a two-packets-a-week kinda teacher.)

yes i said enemies too. the people i hated, i hated because they were sons of bitches i wouldnt piss on to put out a fire. i hated them so dearly i used to pray to god that they would bump into me so i could throw myself into the concrete and split my forehead open and get them expelled due to the blood-clause of our “zero-tolerance policy”. two of the kids in my class had, only the previous year, attempted to set my hair on fire.

i hated the teacher more.

it gave me extreme pleasure to see her fume and clench her fists when a student would say “i need help” across the classroom and she would move to get up and they would say “oh not you miss, im waiting for vicky.” jesus christ the only time ive ever felt a comparable high was when i was at a halloween party in college where i was literally so zooted i couldn’t move.

it got worse over time, her getting more and more angry, my ego growing larger and larger. i was a huge bitch in high school, i really thought i was the smartest bitch in the room at any given moment. severe main character syndrome. imagine that kind of person actually being right for 45 minutes out of every day. can you even comprehend the kind of frustration that would create? in a room full of little sociopaths who dont give a shit about anything but getting this joke of a class over with so they can graduate? your first real teaching job and they look right past you, the teacher, to this annoying little shit whose grades are completely abysmal? how are they managing to learn anything from a child who can barely speak in front of more than 10 people? who turns cherry red in the face of literally every authority figure in the building except you? who can’t concentrate and stay still in one spot for more than five minutes? all of your other classes behave! they listen! they sit down and shut up and do the packets! so what fucking gives!!!

so you say “fine, since you all HATE ME so much i just won’t teach then!!!” on literally week fucking ten of teaching. and instead of prostrating themselves before you, begging you to like... point at transparencies and read directly from powerpoints i guess.

and they all collectively say “okay” and let the chipmunk child flutter between desks and help them memorize formulas and mnemonic devices and shit. surely her grades will suffer if she’s constantly dealing with other people and you’ll have justification that her horseshit is “distracting” and “a detriment to her studies”. she got bored gave up on that after two days after nothing changed.

then we did the midterm.

except at the end of the exam packet was something we never learned because again, she was going through the book chronologically. because i actually enjoyed the chem book (so much that i stole it when the year was up lmao), i knew the material.

it was about lewis dots/structures. i couldn’t tell you a damn thing about it today but in december 2010 i absolutely knew that shit. i didnt have too much of a problem with it in the exam, but the students who had gotten to that point were complaining and at first she pulled that “you should have been studying independently uwu” shit but the class was about to get loud during exam period so she shushed us and said that when we get to that point, just stop, and she’ll mark it correct during grading, no harm no foul just keep it quiet. one of the more confrontational students called horseshit and said theres no way we’re trusting that and there’s definitely no way anyone will keep an entire classroom cheating at the instruction of the teacher quiet.

i offered to teach it.

she scoffed, rolled eyes, said “sure fine but you can’t get your exam back” and i said “okay.” so when everyone was to the point in the exam, we piled them all on her desk and i used the whiteboard to briefly and quietly explain lewis dots, used the book examples and problems, and helped the other kids understand. there were a couple exam questions that were lifted straight from the book problems so i skipped those. while teaching i realized i had gotten a couple wrong which sucked :( it was an incredibly stupid experience overall, and no teacher worth the paper their certification is printed on would have allowed that to happen. and fucking yet.

anyways everyone but me got their exams back and finished it and many of us passed, only a few of them did particularly well.

discussing the chem exam with friends who also took the chem exam, many students found their anecdote about the lewis dots to be confounding, for you see, the exam we took was not, in fact, the midterm, but the god damned final.

she had us taking the fucking final because she didnt read the fucking folders which read “midterm” and “final exam” on them

she was reprimanded severely and we all had to take the exam on different days, in different classrooms, sitting very far apart. after that she hated me even more. like girl it was your fault lmao i am literally a teenager grow up lol. anyways you can imagine how much more fucking insufferable i became, knowing how miserable she was.

it all came to a head in february when some students were giggling quietly following a minor fuck up on her part regarding bellwork. they were making fun of her like “are you sure thats not tomorrows bellwork lol” and a friend next to me did the “hey i need help wait no miss not you sorry” thing and when i answered him, she solidly snapped. blah blah YOURE SOOOO DISTRACTING blah blah YOU THINK YOURE SOOOO SMART DONT YOU blah blah blah and she was like demanding i leave the room and shouting at the top of her lungs at me “ YOU POISON THE MINDS OF EVERY OTHER STUDENT HERE. YOU’RE POISONOUS VICTORIA, YOU’RE A VIRUS IN THIS CLASSROOM.”

i will never forget that line as long as i live. it was like crack to me. i moved to open the door to leave and the vp opened it first. he escorted me to the office and asked me what happened, then told me to keep my head down in class from now on, and that if i wanted to help my friends i should give them my number and help them out on our own time. i was like “bro thats really stupid” and he was like “thats all we can do right now but i promise we’re working on it”

i lasted the rest of the year giving smug smiles as we did packet after fucking packet for the rest of the year. they were all take-home work. i wasnt comfy giving my number to my enemies. the class camaraderie ended.

the final was altered. my class took a different final than the rest of the normal chem classes.

i started 12th grade and got a solid case of senioritis. i told that story to anyone who would listen. while it was happening, i obviously told my favorite teacher everything as it happened. when i mentioned it senior year he was like “oh yeah i forgot about her,

she was fired over the summer.”

#let me tell you bitch i SCREAMED......#anyways im not sorry this was long #its literally the only cool thing thats ever happened to or about me so shrugs #Anonymous

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thrillridesz · 4 years

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what will it take for you guys to realize that ff writers are human too. they are not less than any writer out there.. they put so much time, care and effort into their every word. heck, even reaching 1k words are hard for some,, we had to consider things before actually writing them down. we had to string each word, sentence, paragraph smoothly so it could have an elegant flow. and more often than never, we would overthink whether the emotions we portrayed in those stories actually resound within the readers. those are no easy tasks y'know.

just because we hid behind an idols name doesnt mean that we're associating them with those stuffs. NO. they're here as placeholders. their character that we saw thru screen is what we based it on; how they talk, act, etc. we do that because writing a character from scratch took too much and we would've given up halfway. it's not as easy as you think. but with idols or any other ff characters for that matter, we could freely explore. the base line for their personalities and actions were already drawn out, and we just need to think of a plot + how to build their character into something readers would enjoy.

even the most basic task of 'read to learn more abt this particular thing' proved to be hard. It's not just abt reading and dumping it all into our writings. we need to turn those information into our personal writing style w/o negating anything.

take writing an au for example,, it took a lot of research. why? cause we want the readers who are not familiar with those kinda stuff to experience the same euphoria, we would like them to feel as if they are able to picture being a painter/dancer/etc.

so please, please look past all those paradigms and appreciate us, ff writers ( every single fandom ). if you dont like the way we wrote things and such, please just ignore them or even block our blog ffs. would it kill to hit the block button? i mean, sending hurtful asks require more effort. why would you go through such lengths?

anyways, to all ff writers out there.. i am really thankful for all of the works you've create. and,, im sure someone out there will agree.

thank you for having the courage to post your works online.

thank you for writing.

thank you for expressing thoughts that are normally kept hidden within the depths of our hearts. through your writings, we could let our emotions flow freely.

thank you for making this year more tolerable, enjoyable.

thank you for being here.

ps. qiu, you and all of the writers out there are amazing ( idc if your blog is small/med/big ), all of you deserve the love and attention. I'd really like to support you ( all of you ) till the end if i could ❤❤❤

pps. sorry it's on anon, im using my sis' phone and i promised myself not to open toomblr until midterms are over. idek if those made sense tbh.

it does make sense and honestly thank you so so so much anon for this amazing message! This message is honestly everything and everything you said here, I wholeheartedly agree. You phrased it so well and honestly, I kinda wish this wasn’t on anon so I can thank you properly :(

I’m really grateful and happy to receive this message and knowing you went out of your way to send it is almost making me wanna cry 😭💙 whoever you are, I love you ❤️ this message is EVERYTHING ( Also all the very best for your midterms!! I feel like I know who this is haha but here’s some good luck 🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀)

tagging some writer mutuals because I think this message deserves to be shared

@atbzkingdom @chaoticdeobi @sankyeom @neoskidz @heartyyjeno @fluffytbz @sichengszn @todeobi @aniyawoos @2hyunjae @yangyanghater @thepixelelf @mjlkau @nzeeten @moondustaeil @127-mile @sly-merlin @sangyeon-lee @badwithten @lovely-kpop-writer @allhyuck @neo-cult-ure @sunhyuck @ukiyoexo @experimentalwrites @juyoens @the-romantiques @dreamydeobis

#every writers deserves to feel appreciated period #answered #anon #thank you so much anon #saved ❤️💗✌️

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mental-health-advice · 5 years

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Hey Samantha, I'm the POCD anon. I've been really trying not to entertain the nasty thoughts and TBH my reaction to them and the thoughts themselves have gone down a lot. I'm just left with a lotnof guilt. I'm scared I guess cause of the sudden appearance of those people who call themselves nomaps and I get scared that I'm like them. Like I get scared I feel that way about kids but I just would never hurt them, like they say they do. When I had the groinal response or whatever I remember-

-feeling awful because I didn't dislike the feeling but then I read online that it's kind of normal for people to sort of like the g response but detest the thoughts? Which I kind of accepted but now I feel like maybe I should have fought against that and maybe I shouldn't have been okay with the feeling. Im also filled with guilt because I always would test myself to see my reaction, I would think about things to see my body response (checking) andd now I'm worried I was doing that just to-

-feel the g response and was just using the checking as an excuse. Thing is that whenever I thought about kids getting hurt or me hurting kids the idea was horrible to me and knew I didn't like it, but when I would see an image of a kid or think of a kid doing nothing I would get really strong groins feeling. Sometimes I feel as if I made myself have the g response to see if I could feel that way when thinking of those images. I've never felt compelled to do anything to kids. I feel so guilty.

Hi there,

I’m so sorry that I didn’t reply sooner! We always try toanswer follow-up asks right away, but I had to take a couple weeks off from theblog after getting really sick and then getting behind in school, so I just nowcome across your ask as I was updating the tag list. So, again, I apologize fortaking so long to reply! I’ll keep a closer look at the new asks we get in caseyou send another one and then I can get back to you sooner.

It’s great to hear that you haven’t been struggling quite asmuch as you were when you originally messaged us! That’s really encouraging. Iactually learned about the different types of OCD in school last week and a lotof what I read reminded me of you and the things you’ve been dealing with. Yes,it’s extremely common for people with OCD to detest the thoughts that theirdisorder causes them, so you’re definitely not alone there.

A lot of what you’re dealing with right now (checking,guilt, etc.) is really just your POCD talking. Something I found reallyinteresting about OCD when I learned about the disorder last week was thedifferent ways the brains of people with and without OCD process intrusivethoughts. Intrusive thoughts, to a certain extent, are actually normal.Everyone has them. However, the difference is that people without OCD can brushoff the thoughts and recognize that the thoughts don’t really mean anything. Onthe other hand, there’s a part of the brain in people with OCD that processesthese thoughts as overly important.

For example, someone with OCD may be obsessed withcleanliness – a person without OCD might think, “Oh, this kitchen counter looksdirty” and then clean it before going about their day, but someone with OCDmight think, “Oh, this kitchen counter is dirty, so I need to scrub it for 20minutes or else any food on this counter could also become contaminated andsomeone could get poisoned and die if they eat that food.” That might seem abit extreme, but it’s just an example of the different ways of thinking someonewith OCD has. Based off what you’ve described, it sounds like this could be what’sgoing on with you – you experience a groinal response and then your brainbasically takes the intrusive thought of, “This must mean I’m attracted to children”and runs wild with it. Someone without OCD could have that same groinal responsebut recognize that it has nothing to do with children. This doesn’t mean it’syour fault that it happens, as you know that it’s just your brain amplifyingthat thought and triggering your anxiety.

I think it’s also important to recognize that maybe you didenjoy the groinal response, but that doesn’t mean you enjoyed the thoughts thatcaused the response. It’s completely natural to enjoy a groinal responsebecause that’s just the way our bodies work. What’s important is to remember isyour disgust with even thinking about hurting a child and it’s not somethingyou would ever consider doing. In this situation, your intentions are way moreimportant than your thoughts because the thoughts are coming from that part ofyour brain that wants you to obsess over the thoughts, not you. That’s a hugedifference and trying to separate the thoughts that are truly yours (beingdisgusted with the thought of hurting a child) and the thoughts being caused byyour brain (thinking the physical groinal response being associated with children).Also, you’re not even close to the people who call themselves NOMAPS becausethose people actually are attracted to kids and don’t act on their thoughts.You aren’t attracted to kids or think about hurting them, so you definitelyaren’t one of them.

I promise, you’re so much more than your thoughts! I know it’shard to ignore the thoughts, but you’ve already come a long way since you firstmessaged us and you don’t deserve to feel guilty over this. It’s not your faultthat you have these thoughts, so you shouldn’t have to keep beating yourself upover them.

-Samantha

#pocd #ocd #obsessive compulsive disorder #intrusive thoughts #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #mhasamantha #Anonymous

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mareshmallow · 6 years

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Do you ever feel like you had someone to share your feeling with like not a boyfriend because I know no one likes me like that but like a close guy friend that you know that I could hug and text or call or FaceTime anytime I needed or like someone that I could lean on and just tell me I was wanted you know? But I don’t have that and everyone I see at school is has that someone and it makes me feel like I’m just this unlovable person. But I was just wondering if you have ever felt like that way?

Oh my god babe come here and let me love you. Listen, you are not unloveable. The right person will come at the right time in your life. A lifelong friend or partner. Maybe this is something you’ve heard a bunch of times but I so so mean it with all my heart. You are loved by your family, your friends, even the people who admire you for some reason. Maybe cause of that cool thing you did it 3rd grade, or that amazing mark you got on that test, or a physical feature they wish they had. Your confidence, personality, humour. Someone’s happiest memory could be associated with you. There are so many kinds of love. I don’t know how to properly explain this but I hope my story might help you. I really don’t mean to go off but I like learning from other’s and their life experiances so here we go…

I have to say that I’m a pretty reserved person and despise facetimes and talking about my feelings so opening up to someone is my number one fear. I’d never been good at making friends. I just attracted bad people for some reason, the kind that use you and leave. I never looked forward to school and felt so alone and unloved. Things at home weren’t great either as even I knew that the possibilty of a divorce for my parents seemed likely and everyone just liked treating me like crap. But I just always had this firm belief, or more like stubborn doubt that this would be my life. I knew there was something better. A better home life, better people to surround myself with, even just one real friend was something I wanted so badly.

Things got pretty bad one year but I now see how it was important to my life and who I am today. When it all ended I was left with two friends from opposing sides and never really got along. The next year more shit happened and one left and I got three more the year after that. Then life curved me again and I was left with one. One person who stuck with me through everything. But you know what? Im so glad I was screwed over and hurt and used and put through shit because I got one amazing friend who means so much to me.

But all that had to happen, all those years of feeling alone and unloved and that terrible sensation of knowing that it’s all your fault they leave when it’s not. You’re growing so that when you meet that person you’re ready for each other. But they will come, I promise you, it just takes time. You’ll get that person who you’ll push aside your fear of opening up and facetiming and have weird conversations at 3 a.m. That person who you can lean on, hug, text and call anytime.

Just know that with every passing minute, every up and down moment, you’re getting closer to that person or people that you never realized you needed or were waiting for.

Don’t worry about others either. A relationship could appear normal or amazing when people are laughing in the hallway or being physically intimate in full view though we never know what’s going on beneath, but maybe like those people who left in my life, they are needed so the other can grow, like I did for the person who was right for me. Nothing is set in stone really. (if that makes sense?? i’m so sorry if this is terrible) As for a romantic relationship I have zero experiance at all. Like I haven’t had or wanted anyone (like a crush) for…a while. Kind of have bad luck with that stuff and am embarassed to ever like anyone again. (different story)

i hope this helped and wasn’t confusing!! Again I apologize if this was unhelpful and if you need to talk more I don’t bite! I love talking with you guys, anyone really about something that’s bothering them. It’s perfectly okay to leave it in my inbox or message me :)

#i really hope this was helpful and made sense #i tried my best #im so glad you trusted me enough to talk about this wow #anytime love #chelsea does asks #personal #<333 #sending you all my love dear #that person will come for you

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the-guccidamn · 4 years

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an open letter to mi luvs

to my dearest harry niall liam louis zayn

happy 10th anniversary!

TEN?!?!?!?!

A DECADE

that is insane

i feel old but im only 22

i really spent my teenage years with you huh

anyway idk where to start

but i have a lot to say for this special day

or rather i have a lot to be thankful for

my memory of how i discovered u is still so vivid, me suffering from the pain of having my wisdom teeth removed which resulted to me searching you on youtube out of the blue. i saw your x factor videos, the funny moments compilations, video diaries, the livestreams, yes and then it went out of hand ever since and i have become a different person.

my junior year is all about 1d 1d and 1d. i was obsessed and was literally going through it. sure it wasnt my first time to be screaming over an artist (hello jobros, jb and many more) but it's definitely my first time being properly exposed to content and the fandom community in which i learned the whole stan culture of dedicating yourself to streaming, voting and counting down for new music. i became so active that everyday u have became a part of my routine. every day i will not be satisfied until i have fulfilled my 1d needs or talked about 1d enough. i listened and memorised all your songs, had everything about you ingrained in my mind. i just couldnt stop being pulled down into that spiral. i even had a fight with my mom because she didnt allow me to join the big 1d race event here in the Philippines. let me tell you how i had to wear sunglasses at church because my eyes are literally puffy and red.

but eventually, i learned to calm down and become as level headed as i can be, or maybe unconsciously academics did all that. but hey that didn't stop my love for you which was still getting stronger as years pass by. i entered college with the possibility of seeing you as my motivation still. and eventually it did happen after my freshman year. it was one of the best day of my life and i couldnt ask for more. although okay tbh i wished i have seen you closer and have seen you as 5. days after the concert, u guys literally broke my heart. zayn left and then u went on a supposedly 18 month hiatus. 18 months my ass lol but i just know it's gonna be a longer one. u were all tired from it i guess and i really understand.

i didnt stop loving you though, quietly i have been cheering you on for your solo releases and all the other things u are busy about. and even though i am currently dedicated to a totally different group right now, you will always have a special place in my heart and you will always have an impact and effect on me (shoutout to harry styles for being the proof of it)

now it's your 10th anniversary, and for this week i have allowed myself to be pulled into the 1d spiral again, allowed myself to be succumbed by my 14 year old fangirl self and boy what a bliss it was.

my timeline is full of 1d again, everything is about u again, and when i saw all your messages, i really felt it was 2013 again.

i miss you so much.

i never really realized how happy you made me until right now. i mean dont get me wrong i know im happy back then, SO SO HAPPY. but i also know that at the back of my mind, it was unhealthy, because at some point i have became too dependent on u.

but u know what, looking back, u really brought me so much happy memories. listening to your discography right now, every memory associated with it are memories that i really wanna be able to experience again.

and it meant so much to me.

i discovered u after such a tough year of my life, literally months after a very heartbreaking loss that i dont think i could completely recover from, and really if i hadnt discover you back then, what couldve happened to me? you literally saved my life and i am so so grateful.

you also taught me a lot of things, perspectives of life that are very much important, and became a way for me to experience new things that made me who i am today.

just…. thank you because you did indeed bring me joy and i felt really loved (i still dont know what i meant by this but it felt so right)

i am proud of all of you and wish u nothing but the best and for you to experience genuine happiness.

a comeback or a reunion would be asking for too much i know, but i really hope u 5 will stay as friends.

i may just be one of your millions of fans but i do know real friendship when i see one. so for the love of all things good, please talk and get that closure you all deserve. you may have known each other for 10 years only but u spent 5 years of it with each other 24 freaking 7, if u havent become family, then why not. lol.

i shall stop my 1d celebration after this letter.

no i am not saying goodbye to me being your fan. I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR FAN AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY BOYS.

just i still feel emotional when i go full 1d and listening to ur music really makes me go through it so i dont do it often as before.

but let us meet each other again soon pls

i promise to be closer

i love you all so much

happy 10th anniversary to the band who has became my safety net, my branding during my teenage years, and that band who will always be in my heart.

all the love,

vanessa - styles (yes bitch ure still mine)

#happy 10th anniversary mi luvs #18 months my ass #indeed #you guys will always be special to me #had me going through IT #i miss you so bad it hurts #personal

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jae-bummer · 7 years

Text

My Idol: Part Twenty Five

My Idol From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

My Idol is a South Korean competitive reality dating game show. It currently airs on Wednesday nights on Jae-bummer’s blog. First broadcast in 2016, the show offers the opportunity for a lucky fan to go on seven blind dates with seven idols. The idol plans the date with the show throwing in specific missions to complete during the day. At the end of the initial dates, the show opens up an audience vote to decide what three idols will move on to the second date.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11 - Part 12 - Part 13 - Part 14 - Part 15 - Part 16 - Part 17 - Part 18 - Part 19 - Part 20 - Part 21 - Part 22 - Part 23 - Part 24 - Part 25 - Part 26

You rested your head against the nearby wall in the studio wings and focused on your breathing. If you thought the initial voting ceremony was difficult, then you truly hadn’t known the meaning of the term. You tried to clear you mind, but realized the task was nearly impossible. How could you go into the second voting special with any sort of poise or dignity with the bomb Jooheon had dropped in your last date?

You felt like a fool. You were embarrassed and heartbroken, left to toss and turn every night since he had mentioned one of the men you had grown so close to had intentions unlike your own. One was here to further progress his image, not to grow an image with you. The thought was unsettling and sent your stomach flipping. How could you trust any of them if it were true?

Extending from that, could Jooheon be lying? It didn’t seem as if he had it in his character to do something so malicious. You knew this was a competitive game for your heart, but you never thought he’d hurt you in order to progress...right?

You closed your eyes, the ever present reminder of a headache pounding through your temples.You had to immerse yourself in the moment. You had to remind yourself to have no regrets.

You thought back to your first date. Taehyung’s loyalty and innocence had won you over from the beginning, so you weren’t surprised when your SUV had pulled into the nature park the morning of your date. He had promised to take you there, just as he had promised for you to meet his members, and he had followed through. Taehyung was as forthcoming and truthful as you had hoped for any man to be. He was the one contestant you had complete faith in.

But the double edge to Taehyung was his innocence. After Mingyu’s departure, he was now the youngest contestant. His kiss had been a mature move that you weren’t expecting, but his motions were still full of curiosity and wonder. It was endearing, but with more experienced individuals, was it something you wanted?

When it came to more experienced, your mind immediately flashed to Jay, one of the troubled parties in question. You felt guilty that you had stumbled into your date late because of your previous decision to meet Top, but Jay had been so happy to see you. His smiles and gestures were so genuine, how could he possibly be seeing someone else? Especially when he had worked so hard to win you over in the first place.

Which made you consider...if not Jay, then JB? He seemed just as interested as any of the other contestants and just as proud when he moved on to the second date. Surely if he had ever thought of hurting you, he had never had intentions of hurting Bingu, so he would avoid it at all costs. He had a quiet confidence when you were together and if you had to judge by your chemistry, you were convinced he was invested.

But if neither Jay or JB were seeing anyone...that could only mean that Jooheon had lied to you, and that would break your heart just as much. He had completely shattered all of your preconceived notions about him during your last date, convincing you he was the literal definition of boyfriend material. You knew voting would be low for JB and Jay simply by his words, but were curious if fans had considered what you had.

“Y/N,” a gentle voice cooed near your ear. You opened your eyes and pushed away from the wall, turning slowly from your position. You smiled weakly as you made eye contact with your favorite My Idol producer as she adjusted her head set. She placed her free hand on your shoulder and gave you a reassuring squeeze. “You ready?”

“Is no an acceptable answer?” you squeaked. You winced as she chuckled.

“Absolutely,” she sighed. “But I wish we could consider your comfort. You have to be ready.”

You closed your eyes again, trying to ignore the blood flow pulsing in your ears. You have to be ready.

“Okay,” you whispered, grabbing her hand. You gave a small nod and numbly followed her steps. The muffled hum of the crowd increased in sound as you approached the stage. With an appearance of lights and voice of the familiar host, you were ushered on stage, and placed into the seat you had grown familiar with in the last special. You smiled without feeling behind your action, adjusting your top as you eased into the stiff cushion you had been assigned.

“Y/N!” the host gushed. “What a round of dates!”

You nodded, biting your lip as you attempted to patch together any sort of sentence to signify the emotions coursing through your body. “It’s always an adventure.”

“How are you feeling about the My Idol experience so far?’ she nodded, flipping through her cue cards.

To be honest, a lot of the time you felt like you needed to vomit, but that was mostly when you weren’t on dates...so maybe that was more of your problem than the actual reality program. “It’s enlightening,” you hummed, deciding to verbalize another train of thought. “I’ve learned a lot about myself, and even more about these gentleman with each and every date.”

“Speaking of these gentleman, why don’t we bring them out?” the host nodded, beginning to stand.

You stood as well, desensitized as you followed her motions. You hated to compartmentalize the situation and block it off while you were on camera, but you had to do what was necessary to get through this experience. You had to protect yourself.

“Im Jaebum, Kim Taehyung, Park Jaebum, and Lee Jooheon!”

You nodded along with each name, clapping as the crowd did. You made a small mental note as the host decided to call each man by their full Korean name and not use their stage name. You were certain the topic of the cheating Jaebums would come up, and hints such as this were obvious foreshadowing.

“Let’s give a round of applause to all of these gentleman!” the host smiled, knowing behind that grin that she would be stirring drama at any moment. “Guys, please, make yourself comfortable.”

Because it was about to get terribly uncomfortable. As you slid back into your seat, you looked cautiously toward the four men you had grown feelings for. You subconsciously grinned as your eyes met Taehyung’s first. Although he looked nervous, he had an authentic smile on his lips. His eyes conveyed a message that you could only decipher as “it will be alright” as he nodded gently toward you, his hands moving in a slow clap as the crowd began to halt their applause.

Your eyes traced back over to JB who sat on Taehyung’s side, his arm leaning against the rest of the long couch they were seated on. He chewed nervously at a nail, a trait you had never associated with such a confident man. His eyes darted quickly from you and back across the stage. He sighed into his hand before crossing his arms and looking to the floor.

You furrowed your brows as you looked over to Jooheon who looked just as nervous as JB did. He gnawed at his plush lips, his palms sliding back and forth on his thighs in an unheard rhythm coursing through his mind. He avoided all eye contact with you as he kept his eyes to the crowd, searching for any sort of comfort outside of the parameters of this program.

Lastly your eyes found Jay. It seemed as if metaphorical steam could be seen erupting from his ears as he leveled the host with a glare that could kill. His jaw twitched along with his sneaker clad foot. He was visibly peeved with this situation and even looking at his expression made you uneasy. Was he so angry because he had been found out or falsely accused?

“Taehyung, how does it feel to have moved on to the second round of dates?” the host asked, gearing up for the inevitable.

“Wonderful,” Taehyung said without hesitation. “I knew I’d be able to see her again. I promised her we’d go to the park and see my members. I always fulfill my promises.”

“It seems you do!” the host nodded knowingly. “Now, going back to the first voting special, Jooheon, did you feel that Jay was added competition considering Y/N picked him herself?”

You felt as if the host had splashed your face with cold water. You looked over to her and clicked your tongue, hardly believing the question had fallen from her lips.

“I...uh...of course I felt at least a little inadequate. I hope if the situation was reversed, she would have picked me if the audience hadn’t,” Jooheon said calmly, even though his eyes were set ablaze. “I can’t fault her for her decision, I can only work harder to gain her affections.”

“Could that be why you mentioned what you did at the end of your date?” the host asked calmly, diving into the dramatic questions as quickly as possible. You took a deep breath and tried to center your emotions. You knew these questions would come out today, but as much as they angered you, you begged to know the answers. You felt compelled and owed the right to know who was lying.

“I mentioned it because it’s what I heard,” Jooheon said sternly. “And if it’s true, Y/N deserved to know.”

“So if you haven’t fabricated what you heard producers discussing,” the host continued. “To throw someone you considered bigger competition under the bus, then which Jaebum could possibly be seeing someone outside of My-”

“Look,” Jay said, leaning forward and rubbing his hands together. “I’ll confess.”

Your heart felt as if it had completely halted all functions. Your blood ran cold as Jay looked up with apologetic eyes and stressed brows. It felt as if a knot was untying and retying itself in your stomach. Your worst fears had been confirmed. Jay, the man you had hand picked for yourself, was the one to deceive you. You tried to keep tears from finding your lashes, but the inevitable moisture was rapidly welling at your ducts.

Jay continued to nervously rub his hands together as he licked his lips and shut his eyes. You could see him mentally cursing himself before he fluttered his lashes open again and continued.

“Unsure of what name copping homeboy over here does in his extracurricular time, but I know I was seeing someone outside of the show...or at least trying to. I called Y/N. I’ll admit it. I even snuck away from my assigned My Idol goons ya’ll had tailing me to see her after she was in the hospital. You may have had suspicions that I was seeing someone else...but really I just wanted to see her,” Jay spewed, one word coming out quicker than the next. “And Y/N I’m so sorry if for even a second you considered that I was two-timing you, or just here to promote my career. It’s never been like that and that’s why I needed to clarify.”

The host leaned back in surprise as she reshuffled her cue cards and swallowed. “So...so...you weren’t seeing someone?”

“Ya’ll thought you had me pegged, huh?” Jay spat. “Thinking Jay Park was the womanizer, the man who had to have a side chick. But surprise, Y/N is my main chick and my side chick.”

“Don’t call her that,” Jooheon sighed. “I know you’re trying to prove a point, but-”

“But nothing son,” Jay laughed bitterly. “You don’t get to talk about it. You’re the one who started shit, but I’m gunna finish it. So sit back and be a good little boy while I clean up your mess, alright?”

“If you just would’ve followed the rules,” Taehyung said slowly, leaning around Joohen to look clearly at the older man. “We wouldn’t have had to even speculate.”

“Aish, really?” Jay gasped. “Didn’t you kids learn to not speak while adults are talking?”

“Jay,” you sighed, dropping your face in your hands.

“No Y/N,” Jay said, shaking his head. “I don’t apologize for what I did. Not one little bit. I broke rules, but I played this thing how I wanted. The only part I’m sorry for is hurting you. Making you think one of us wasn’t really in this one hundred. I was going to call, but since our names got loud capped, I could hardly leave my studio. Preteens are angry.”

You tried not to smirk at his comment, feeling a sudden wave of relief flood over you. Jooheon had heard correctly as the producers had some sort of idea that Jay was sneaking around. They just didn’t know that he was sneaking around with you.

“...so you admit, you broke the rules to see Y/N and no one else?” the host asked slowly, giving a side eye to someone off stage.

“Yes, I checked on Y/N,” Jay nodded. “I tried to visit her again after, but the goons were too close for comfort so I bailed. I wanted to know her more. I wanted to come out of this experience with something real and not something that would fall apart because we went on three-”

“Those are the rules,” Jooheon said sternly, his face red. “We’re all working with what we’re given. I would have killed to see Y/N just a few more minutes outside of competition. Share some moments away from a live audience, but that is not what we signed up for.”

“Jooheon is right,” the host nodded. “That isn’t what you signed up for. Regrettably, Jay Park, you broke My Idol rules. You visited Y/N in a non My Idol authorized exchange, so you will be eliminated from the competition.”

“I-what?” Jay croaked, his eyes wide.

Your heart dropped for the second time as your eyes met Jay’s. You knew Jay was breaking the rules on the different occasions he had contacted you, but it never occurred to you that he would actually be kicked off of the show for that reason. A fire lit in your stomach as you looked to the host who was smiling proudly at the news she had delivered.

“That’s not fair,” you whispered, shaking your head. “The audience decides who stays and who goes.”

“I agree,” Jooheon nodded. “He may have broken the rules, but he was actual competition. I want to win Y/N’s affections fairly, not because he made poor decisions.”

“Top did it as well,” you blurted. You couldn’t stop yourself as the words began to vomit from your mouth. “After he was eliminated, I met with him. We needed closure. We need-”

“When did you two meet?” the host asked, taken aback by your words. She looked at you with furrowed brows.

You blinked slowly and winced as you began to speak again. All of the My Idol dirty laundry was being hung up to dry and you couldn’t stop now. “The morning of my second date with Jay.”

Jay’s jaw fell open as he looked at you, evident hurt in his eyes. “You...you took away from my time...to meet with....that? That?”

“Jay,” you whispered, shaking your head rapidly. “He needed to hear that I wouldn’t see him again. It wasn’t because I felt-”

“Y/N,” the host said sternly. “This is a serious infraction...it looks like you have also broken My Idol rules...I’m sorry to say it, but I don’t see how we can contractually con-”

“I’m seeing someone,” JB blurted, looking as if he were about to be sick. As he shouted the words toward the host, his cheeks began to blaze a bright red.

The other contestants, as well as yourself spun to look at JB who avoided eye contact with nearly everyone.

“What?” the host croaked, her face draining of all color.

“I’m the Jaebum who is in a relationship outside of My Idol.”

To Be Continued...

#jay park #lee jooheon #im jaebum #kim taehyung #aomg #park jaebum #monsta x #jooheon #got7 #jb #got7 jb #v #bts v #bts #bangtan boys #my idol

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blondetogolden · 7 years

Text

nov 2014/sept 2017

“Are you happy though?” …. “Not really, no.”

I’m not, I don’t think I am? Maybe I have the wrong idea of what happiness is? Maybe an unrealistic expectation? Maybe this is the calming before a storm of adventure hits me? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’m older? I used to associate being ‘in love’ with -feeling anxious -feeling insecure -constantly thinking my other is lying -constantly wondering why I haven’t had a text back -feeling the need to take control -feeling the need for comfort

There were some good things, but a lot of what I felt wasn’t…. Was it me? Or was it them? Maybe both… Maybe not enough time in between to truly understand some things? Past experiences influencing my thoughts… Fear of reoccurrence?

Maybe I’m older? Maybe this is love…. I know I’d have a strong desire to make sure that person is happy? …or maybe I was so caught up in the fear of rejection that I caused myself to think I needed to fight for my spot?

I would have left by now… But something in my gut told me not to.

Maybe I fell in love with myself My passion for life aside from my relationship My striving for accomplishment in my work.. Striving to work through past mistakes

I’m content with my own company I constantly toss and turn with my thoughts

But it’s be ridiculous for me to have my life put together at twenty

So why should I destroy what isn’t broken? Just because it’s not making me jump for the heavens doesn’t mean it isn’t something right? I am so preoccupied with my life to truly focus on love Why should I let love define me? I’ve done that. And it hurt. It was so much stress. So much work. So many tears. I gave my all and it really hurt. So maybe it’s okay to find myself while being with someone else Maybe it’s okay to be devoted to myself above him Maybe it’s okay… I don’t know I don’t know if I’ve just convinced myself I want to be with him because it’s comfortable? I don’t know if I’m with him for love… I’ve grown to be independent To give myself comfort To love myself To love my darkest thoughts To find beauty in my stress To find accomplishment in my grumpiness To understand there is more to life than chasing someone I learned what it is like to be chased To be loved unconditionally

So maybe right now this is what I need? To grow… To learn I can be happy by myself and be with someone as well.

“Are you happy?” No, but I’m trying to be.

I love you, i really do, but not how you want me to.

i came into this hoping what i felt was normal... i was confused. I associated love with anxiety, stress, frustration, depression, always fighting for a spot in a persons life... and when you came around you made it easy, comforting, but i was confused. Why doesn’t this feel like love? is it because i only know of the love that hurt me so badly? i tried, i truly tried to understand how i was feeling.

But on top of that, i knew of the love that hurt me so badly that i promised myself i never wanted to fall apart like that again, so hello walls.

this was my struggle

--june 2014

When is enough actually enough? When my body begins to shake uncontrollably? When my nose bleeds out of no where? When my thoughts become so altered I can’t catch myself? When my smile is a habit and not from actual happiness?

What now? To leave or to stay? To start over or build stronger friendships Give him a chance or hold my heart on lock down.

I still blame you I blame you for who I’ve become For my bitterness For my addictions For my uncertainty For my trust issues

I blame you

When is enough enough? When can I finally feel what I felt with you? When can I truly be at peace? I drink away my feelings I pop away my worries I sniff away my anxiety

Where does this end?

---

i try to give things a chance, i try to let time heal my wounds.. and my walls, they just couldnt come down.... i tried to block it all out, but it created a numbing, one in which confused me. I constantly wondered what is wrong with me, why is what im feeling not what its supposed to be, why am i like this? maybe if i give it more time i’ll feel something... and when i never did, i had to do something about it.

im so so so sorry i couldnt be enough for you

im so so so sorry i hurt you the way i did

im so so so sorry i could never talk to you about any of this

im sooooo sorry, please understand, i didn’t plan this

i gave myself three years to let my walls fall, i gave myself three years to push through it... i always wondered what to do, and my gut told me to stay, my gut told me to fight through it... why leave something that wasn’t broken? our relationship was good, it was everything i wanted it to be, but i just never fell, i tried. I gave myself all these hopes for a future together, i wanted that future, but when i realized im not going to fall, and how much it’ll hurt you if i kept going like this, it just made sense to end it.

I have so much i need to work on to better myself as a person

and i can’t give you my all like this, you deserve so much better.

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loudsociocollective-blog · 7 years

Text

Reheat THIS in the microwave of evil

Ollo,

A few nights ago, I was settling down for the night and my boyfriend and I decided to watch a movie. I was absolutely shocked and appalled to learn that for more than 2 years of a dating I was unaware that he had never seen MegaMind.

I hadn't been this shocked since I found out my roommate hadn't seen High School Musical 3, four years ago.

So instead of watching Brooklyn Nine Nine (like he wanted), I insisted we watch the cartoon children’s film. He obliged, probably because he saw how excited I became at the opportunity to watch the movie. I promise I'm 22 years old, not 5.

For those of you who have not seen this brilliant Dreamworks creation: please drop everything and go watch it now. I mean, cmon. It stars Will Ferrell, Tina Fey, Jonah Hill, Brad Pitt, and Ben Stiller. Its light, funny, and entertaining. Just like many of DreamWorks creations, MegaMind includes subliminal adult humour that engages parents and makes watching cartoon movies enjoyable. Really, go watch it. Mostly because it's wonderful, but also because I am about to give an in depth summary of the movie and do not want to ruin your *MegaMind* experience.

*Spoiler Alert*

The Plot

(https://goo.gl/images/fzbt5E)

The movie starts with a planet in outer space being sucked into a large black hole. A couple, inhabitants of the doomed planet, put their little big headed blue baby in a pod with a fish companion and send the pod to another planet for safety. Another set of parents on a nearby planet had a similar idea, and sent their attractive human-like alien baby to safety as well. These babies became effectively known as Megamind & Metro Man. Both MegaMind and Metro Man had great powers, Megamind’s being great intellect, and Metro Man’s being strength and flight.

Although both babies landed on the same planet, Metro Man landed in a mansion, and MegaMind crashed into a prison. The two grew up together, went to the same school, lived into the same town (Metro City) and conversed with the same people. It quickly became apparent that Metro Man was favoured by the individuals of the city, and MegaMind was an outcast, a ‘black sheep’ as he called it. This was because Metro Man always did the right thing, and did things that the other individuals of the city liked. Even though MegaMind tried to win societies affection, he always engaged in behaviours that were not favoured by other individuals. So, MegaMind decided that the only thing he was truly good at was being bad, and decided to be the baddest villain the city had ever seen.

MegaMind and Metro Man develop a rivalry where MegaMind attempts to kill or injure Metro Man, various buildings and the citizens of MetroCity. MegaMind, being the bad guy, always loses. However, one day while the city was praising Metro Man, MegaMind successfully lures Metro Man into his trap and kills him. MegaMind is ecstatic to finally win and have control over the city.

Soon, MegaMind grows bored of his power, since there’s no one there fighting for the power back. He decides in order to regain purpose, he must ‘create’ a superhero to battle him. He accidentally creates a superhero who has no drive to be a hero at all, and turns evil.

While this is happening, MegaMind is pretending to be a librarian and falls in love with a popular and beautiful reporter, Roxanne. She develops feelings for MegaMind, but promptly ends the relationship when she discovers who he really is. They also find out that Metro-Man faked his death because he was bored doing the same thing day in and day out.

Plot twist: MegaMind, the bad guy, now has to be good in order to save the city, and himself, from the monster he has created. He wins, Metro City is saved, and MegaMind is the new hero. And of course, he gets the girl.

The Sub-Plot: Deeper Meanings

(https://goo.gl/images/HqehpN)

Since this movie came out in 2010, I have loved this film. But I have never stopped and thought about what the film was trying to tell me. As Gitlin stresses, we must attempt to ponder what each medium means. Or in this case, what MegaMind means. Then, and only then, can we understand its effects.

Alright Gitlin, Im taking your advice and pondering what this movie could mean. Is it just another Shrek-like children’s comedy, or is it trying to tell us something far more important...?

Gitlin looks at how television shows and film often represent the ideological structures of our modern society. In this way, TV and film media reinforce the ideology of the groups in power and dismiss/condemn radical thought, disobedience and conflict of the system. Gramsci notes that the owning class, or the bourgeoisie, has created an overarching hegemony which influences individual and societal thought. Hegemony can be described as the domination of ideology and common-sense attitudes towards society by the ruling class.

As soon as I started thinking about what deeper meanings could be within MegaMind, I was overwhelmed with the amount of examples there were to prove the point. For simplicity, I will only mention a few prevalent and important examples the film has to offer:

The first thing that was apparent to me in this film was the stark contrast between good and evil. Metro Man was the clear spokesperson for good, and MegaMind being a spokesperson for evil. The behaviours of each character then became further categorized as good or bad. For example,

Killing people = bad. (MegaMind)

Protecting society, the individuals in it, and those in power = good. (MetroMan)

Not only is this movie reinforcing the good vs. bad stereotypes, but also sends a few messages to the ‘deviant’ individuals in society. First, It explains that there are no perks to being the bad guy. The people who are bad, or go against the ruling class/ideological framework of society always lose, are not accepted in society, and never ‘get the girl’.

Minion: I may not know much but I do know this the bad guy doesn't get the girl.

MegaMind: Well maybe I don't want to be the bad guy anymore!

- (MegaMind 2010)

BUT, a deviant individual can choose to change; they are encouraged to begin engaging in only good behaviours. Once this change happens, the newly good individual will be accepted into society. They may also then find love and companionship.

The fact that this is seen in a children's movie is particularly important, as children learn every single day the difference between right and wrong. Their young brains are sponges that adopt everything their surroundings tell them. This movie assists kids in differentiatating between good and evil. It also subliminally suggests what they should be doing in their own non-cartoon society.

As Giltin notes, The superhero archetype has been around for a long time. Since 1933 this character has often been portrayed as patriotic, well behaved, dedicated, and successful. Also, Superheros often owe their lives to their citizens and feel compelled to help in any dire situation.

The greatest honour you’ve given me is letting me serve you, the helpless people of Metro City. I often ask myself, “At the end of the day, who would I be without you people?”

- Metro Man (Mega Mind 2010)

Next, I want to take a closer look at the characters in this film. Metro Man is a white, stereotypical attractive and muscular baby that grew up to be an attractive, talented, muscular man. He grew up in a Mansion, with elite parents and a privileged childhood. Metro Man perfectly fits this superhero character type, and represents how if you are good, you will be well liked and successful. Also, Superheros often owe their lives to their citizens and feel compelled to help in any dire situation.

Accompanying the superhero is always a super villain, or a protagonist that stirs up conflict in the plot. The villain is usually unattractive, mean, from a underprivileged background, and always loses. MegaMind is painted as a villain from the get go. He is blue, which would be fine, you know, since he is an alien. But its interesting that the good superhero is handsome, jacked and is human (Metro Man may have a surpirior appearance but nevertheless is similar to general society). MegaMind is raised in a prison where he learns good vs. bad from the evil prisoners inside (all of which are painted as evil and inherently bad as well).

Lastly, The imagery involved in the stereotypical representation of MegaMind’s character is of importance. He is often dressed in black (with dark blue patterns) with leather and studded accents. All of which are associated with risqué, and ‘deviant’ behaviours. Alternatively, Metro Man wears an all white costume. White is often symbolic of truth, justice and goodheartedness. This imagery is especially relevant at the end of the movie when MegaMind turns good, gets the girl, and the city’s approval. With this, comes a new outfit. Yep, you guessed it, a white cape.

I find it funny how much us humans consume without reflection. Here I was watching this dorky cartoon film with my boyfriend not knowing all the little meanings I was unknowingly consuming. It honestly makes me critical of everything else I'm doing and thinking and feeling. How much of it is influenced by hegemony? all of it? is anything real?????? #conspiracy

Im not sure how that makes me feel - skeptical I guess?

Nevertheless, its apparent that these types of ideological undertones are present in almost everything we experience in society. Even children’s movies!!!!!! Music, religion, novels, and film all perpetuate the preferred behaviours and beliefs of the ruling class. Structural functionalists would be all over this.

i don't know, I could be onto something here… or I could be pulling meaning out of thin air. This is just my semi-Gramsci, semi-Gitlin (and maybe a little marxist) analysis of this cartoon movie. So take it with a grain of salt. I could be wrong but who's to say it either way....

I mean the author is dead, right?

Christine

#megamind #marxism #sociology #communications & media #ihopeyougetthereferences

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