#they were like Idk why i always have so many autistic people in my social orbit. and i said girl i'll tell you exactly why lmao

[notjanine]

i hung out with both of them again over the weekend and it's going really well* and this is still wild to me. it's been exactly what i needed- just easy and good, and good in different ways bc they're so different from each other! but i don't think i've fully described either here

Bookstore: very tall. verrry sexy voice. nb and bi. does not do small talk.** similar taste in media to my own, esp movies, book genres, and spooky podcasts; every time we hang out is like (sexually charged) book club. big nose. always looks exhausted (hot). younger than me but an oldest sibling and lowkey has oldest sister syndrome, but not in a bad way.

Tech Guy: medium height. v round. v much a standard normal straight guy*** but sweet? adventurous- seems kinda boring and normcore, but the lore keeps getting wilder. he's iranian (initiated his citizenship process immediately after the 2016 election (can successfully navigate bureaucracy (hot))) and has offered to take me on a date to his favorite little middle eastern grocery.**** maintains the exact level of beard scruff that makes me craaaazy. the EYEBROWS on this bitch!! older than me but a youngest sibling (with sisters, so like. he seems to understand that women are human beings).

Both: soft hands.***** lots of friends, including platonic female friends. dislike going out and doing things alone, except for going to the movies, which they do often. when asked what dnd class would you be, personally, like you as the person you are now, both said... bard.****** idk how to feel ab that one.

so i like them both and i'm also glad i started seeing them at the same time, bc i think if it was just one or the other, things would have gotten too intense too fast (bc they both like me A LOT and i'mmmmm enjoying that more than i would have expected, i am tempted to overindulge in such adoration). as-is, i've made a list of guidelines for myself that's helping me to maintain boundaries and keep things as tidy as i can. it helps that they're both good at communicating and planning!

anyway next weekend i'm hanging out with the two friends who set me up with these ppl and i need to think of something very good and special to bring them to say thanks!!!

#*i baked for them both which is like. when i baked on days i hung out with messy guy i was like lemme not tell him. that's not what this is. #i dated my ex for MONTHS before i made anything for him. but idk this is different i'm different now! #(i made an incredible aromatic apple galette based on a scent blend i made for reading a biography of cleopatra for Bookstore #bc they mentioned that they finally felt like they got their sense of smell back after having covid months ago #and i made huge gloriously sticky sweet iced cinnamon rolls (vegan!) for Tech Guy bc i was gonna pick some up from a bakery by his apt #but then i realized. i could just make them (better!) myself) #** every other text from this mf is a grammatically correct paragraph that conveys Specific Information or asks a Clear Question #they were like Idk why i always have so many autistic people in my social orbit. and i said girl i'll tell you exactly why lmao #*** he said he's 'like 70% sure [he's] not bi.' that is not 100% and this bitch LOVES professional wrestling aka homoerotic gymnastics so.. #(aj styles is his fave which does seem like a v heterosexual choice. but. also he's seen ricochet perform live!!!) #**** i love grocery stores i LOVE grocery stores. #***** lissen my ex was basically a farmer which was nice for some reasons but that mf had calluses on calluses and didn't moisturize. #hand stuff could not be a key part of our repertoire SADLY. #****** Bookstore used to do some serious Performance Art (see: very tall good voice) and Tech Guy is a musician #and they have both made comments about how much they enjoy supporting their friends (within and outside of the context of id-ing as bards) #lizzo_boys.mp3 #bonus way they are similar: they are very verbal about how attractive they find me and how lucky they feel to be with me and #they have each explicitly stated that their primary objective during sex is to please me #(my ex said the same but these two are taking it to a new level) #man i didn't realize how much i needed an ego boost after everything with messy guy. they are certainly giving me that! #and i also feel lucky to have found each of them. they're great :)

[despazito]

like i have such conflicting feelings about the pathologizing of mental illness nowadays and the culture it creates. i think the need to have ones dx, at least in my case, was driven by a fundamental urge for validation that what i’m feeling isn't just a phase or something that will sort itself out. i think women especially have had our pain and struggles so minimized, i had lows wishing i just had a broken leg so others could at least see my pain. i clung to my dx and feet like waving it to the world shouting its not just in my head!! i’m not just lazy!!

in some ways getting the dx is like getting a pedigree for your fucked up brain. like this isnt some backyard bred tiktok adhd, this is PUREBRED adhd with the papers to prove it!!! all these women like myself who were looking for a voice and affirmation through dx to prove they “aren’t just one of those girls who’s too sensitive and googled their symptoms”, but now that’s also created its own trope of “overdiagnosed girl in her 20s” and there’s a whole new stereotype to mock and invalidate. there’s just no winning, it really feels like our pain will never get taken seriously by society to matter which route we take to get heard we are dismissed.

but of course these slips of paper become vital if you need any assistance or accommodations, so they are incredibly beneficial to have.

my issue is the more i reflect, the more i do feel like many emotional disturbances or brain funkiness ESPECIALLY depression and anxiety are the result of, or at least become more aggravated, by unluckiness in your childhood relationships and the narrative we created about it. turns out you don’t need to be textbook abused to have adverse experiences, and a failure to have a healthy secure relationship to your primary caregiver fucks with you for life but nobody wants to talk about that. i do think we live in a society here in canada where parental rights to parent how their want is overstepping on the child’s right to have the healthiest possible environment to be raised in. i had spent years reading about the lifelong effects of parental deprivation or bad socialization in dogs and parrots before reading about it in humans, and i think we forget how much humans are also animals.

but the thing is you can work on relationships, you can begin to process trauma. when i tell myself “i’m a person with anxiety” it feels really loaded with a sense of finality that i will always live this way.. the more i use that language the more futile it feels about ever improving, when so often depression and anxiety are the result of deeper unresolved issues. I see so many people with phobias or fears resign to living painful lives than trying to work on any exposure or processing their fears. i’d still be miserable if i never worked through my intense fears of intimacy, i was perfectly resigned to a life of being alone and thought i was content with that.

turns out growing up with trauma can cause the same unfocused and disorganized presentation as clinical adhd.i’ll admit i didn’t like learning that one, as adhd already has so many deniers my kneejerk response was anger at my adhd being invalidated. but i think a lot of adhd people fall somewhere in between that venn diagram, and rejecting a traumagenic theory for some people’s symptoms means they will be prescribed the wrong treatment plan. and this is why all treatment plans put emphasis on talk therapy just as much as pharmacological intervention.

obviously some things aren’t the result of your childhood! your mom yelling at you doesn’t cause autism, but chances are if you’re autistic and had cruddy support you’ll face more adversities and mental health struggles than a good supportive environment. similarly, you could’ve grown up with all the love and support to thrive but one day your thyroid decides it’s time to make you feel like roadkill.

idk, what i’m trying to say is don’t corner yourself or resign from living life because of your mental health dx or think that you’ll never get better because you “have” this, chances are there’s always room to feel better. the most hurtful thing is our inner voice if it’s internalized negative language, and there’s exercises you can practice to drill more positive or at least neutral nonjudgemental language into your inner critic. because even if you have something that will never be cured, the way we talk to ourselves about it is a variable we have some power over.

the narrative part experiencing trauma is uniquely human. some people will experience horrible things and internalize the negativity or self blame, but resilient people have better prognosis because they have ability to frame things in a narrative that don’t assign self blame, and critiques the behaviour instead of the self. because so many complications and struggles arise out of kicking ourselves when we’re down. but the thing is this usually can’t happen on its own, we need to see this modeled by the people around us. but thankfully if we missed the boat, we CAN retrain that voice

anyway that’s my musings from my perspective. for anyone curious here’s a lecture that really resonated with me, its got some hard hitting truths i didn’t want to hear but sometimes you gotta hear things that make you uncomfortable

#mental health #maybe you feel like none of this applies to you and thats ok! #im speaking for my own experiences

[freckliedan]

Hi!!! I just wanted to talk about how Dan and Phil as a brand is so relatable to neurodivergents in the way that they've been treated recently. So DnP built their careers off of being "weird" and "quirky" and socially awkward. That was Their Thing. Dan spoke for years about being violently bullied (quotes such as "being punched in the head by dickheads" stand out as a pre-BIG example of just how violent it got at times), Phil had the Why I Was a Weird Kid series, they both were frequently talked about as being "weird" and "awkward" by other YouTubers - they WERE the "weird" ones of the vlog group. The ones that awkward teens could relate to. Unfortunately, this got the attention of the #imsoquirky crowd who talks like they're experiencing all of these things while also being the same people who would mock me for my autism.

And that's the crowd now saying Dan is too old to be posting catboy photos or saying that the two of them "give the ick now, idk why." And I just can't help but notice how much I relate to that as an autistic and ADHD person. So many times over the years, I've made "friends" who were slightly into my interests, but then got weirded out by how hard I went into them. I think what we're seeing is the same thing happening to Dan and Phil. Drawing cat whiskers on your face to answer questions? Well that's "so cute and quirky"!! (/s). But actually playing as Catboys in JRPGs, dressing up in cat ears, making animal noises (which the two of them always did but ig this group overlooked), etc? Well that's "too far" and "so weird."

I think Dan especially got hit with this because he has more subscribers. When he talks about being bullied, most people can relate to that. But then when he goes and honks a horn in a game repeatedly (which tbh I've done before myself, very ADHD coded of him) or talks about hiding behind vending machines to avoid talking to people, that is suddenly "too annoying/weird" for some of the audience that got into him for his "relatably weird" content.

Sorry this is such a long ramble, but basically Dan and Phil have accidentally become the perfect examples of how kids with autism/ADHD/social pragmatic disorder/nvld/dyspraxia *insert other neurodivergencies that can cause atypical socialization* are treated. People might find your initial "quirkiness" relatable because everyone feels awkward or socially anxious at times, but it's when they see that you are Actually Just Like That and it's not to be #relatable that they turn on you and start saying that you're "too much" and "too weird."

Dan and Phil were the "weird" ones of the British vlog scene, and those of us who tuned into the younows or watched their older videos knew this, but someone who only subbed after watching a meme review or the two of them playing undertale might have assumed that they were the "right" kind of quirky/weird.

This is probably incoherent, but I hope you get what I mean.

this isn't incoherent! just such a well thought out ask i don't have anything to add. there's really specific ways i'm comfortable talking abour dnp + neurodivergence & neurodivergence in general so it's not something i've ever done super in depth posts abt!

i've actually gotten a few really lengthy asks like this over the last few weeks, so this is to you and to my other askers: i really appreciate that folks want to share their ideas with me but sometimes i genuinely don't have enough to contribute in response to add on to what's being said! and that makes it pretty impossible to answer asks like this.

so this is to everyone: feel free to @ me in the replies on your posts! (doing that leaves things cleaner than @ ing in the body of a post, which in my experience means folks are more likely to engage, if that's what you're looking for). especially loop me in about dnp + neurodivergene or dnp + gender!

this isn't a promise i'll rb or even see things, this website's functionality is shit, but like. it's actually way easier for me to see and support than if yall are sending me essay length anons, and this way i + others can find more people who share the same opinions as us! make ur own posts & ppl will follow u i prommy

#jam replies #anon #very unrelated response to ur ask but like. yours is a complete thought i agree with in meaning if not 100% in your phrasing but i know whe #not to be a pedantic asshole so like! @ me in yall's posts. it will work out better for you than sending me asks like this that i can't #answer

[aspd-culture]

Do you have any like actual tips for pro-socials who have antisocial loved ones, like friends or partners? So many sites are like “dealing with a [x]? Here’s ten ways to handle it!” and then it details abusive tactics (which is blatantly stupid, IMO, pwaspd/npd already expect the world to do this to them so idk where they’re getting the idea that pwaspd/npd wouldn’t expect this behavior because their upbringing TRAINED them to expect this behavior but hey, nobody said ableists actually knew what the fuck they were talking about).

I personally struggle with an aspd trait here or there alongside a bigger bpd/npd comorbidity so I get the pathological aspect of this disorder but truly, it is hard to like. believe them when they say they care or whatever because even though I know, mentally, that the bare minimum is pretty much their way of trying to care when they don’t get anything out of it like I do, a small part of me wishes for the mask back where I got the effort and adoration I used to. It sucks but I also don’t think pwaspd should also be left behind in society just because their relational instincts got fucked up before they had a chance.

Idk. I feel like there’s a lot of ableism that people without aspd need to unpack (myself included) but it’s also like, what do you do when someone quite literally admits to manipulating you (in an effort to hold themselves accountable) and frequently lies to make their lives easier? Like I get it Mentally and I can pinpoint why their actions Are them trying to care and show care, especially if they actually do care and well, aspd innit? but the mental understanding is one thing and the craving for the emotional connection with them is another.

I hope this is cohesive and I hope I’m not imposing or being an ableist dick or anything, I just. Don’t think it’s fair to hold the disorder against them and a grand majority of people who think “HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE” about mental illness advocacy is almost always punitive and withholding and expecting an exorbitant amount of groveling or self-flagellation on part of those with “scary” disorders and idk how to approach this with sensitivity and nuance that it deserves and requires.

Ok, so first part of your question asked for tips for prosocials who have antisocial loved ones. Here I go into how to support someone with ASPD (suspected or diagnosed).

Following the tips further down in this post can avoid conflict as well as help you communicate in ways that are effective to pwASPD.

As for dealing with someone telling you they are manipulating you, try and remember that much of the socially acceptable (and even some mandatory behaviors) are manipulation. Manipulation is just trying to affect someone's feelings, thoughts, or actions, or trying to change the end result of a situation. This includes flirting, job interviews, college applications/essays, pay raise negotiations, court proceedings (on the part of everyone in that room except the judge and jury), etc etc etc. If you have ever apologized with the hope or expectation that you will be forgiven, you have manipulated for your own gain. If you've ever bought someone dinner before asking them a favor, you have manipulated someone. One of the most romantic things someone can do - an elaborate proposal where you take them on a lovely date to their favorite places and make them feel special and then list all of your favorite things about the person before asking them to be with you forever is MASSIVE manipulation. It's just not malicious manipulation. Have you ever tried to convince someone to get out of an abusive relationship? That's manipulation for the purpose of sabotaging a relationship because you believe it is what is best for another person, even at the expense of what they think about it and what they want. Does that make it wrong? Of course not. There is such a thing as being manipulative in neutral and/or positive ways - society just doesn't like calling all of that stuff manipulation because the word manipulation has been given a nasty connotation.

As for the lying, though, if they are lying to *you* consistently and not making effort to change despite communication about it (including reassurance that you will allow them to explain themselves fully without interrupting and do your best to remain calm even after that no matter what they tell you - people with ASPD need that if you expect us to give up a coping mechanism as big as lying in a close, vulnerable relationship/friendship that we don't want to lose), that is a problem. It is not acceptable for them to lie to you. You are entirely in your right to make boundaries and separate yourself if they can't be honest with you, especially about big/important things, but honestly about anything. If they're lying to other people in a way that doesn't affect you, though, why is that a problem? They are dealing with their symptoms and making certain they are doing so in a way that doesn't harm you. That is very difficult for someone with ASPD, as it would be for anyone with any personality disorder, and that effort should be respected and appreciated.

Also who *doesn't* do things to make their lives easier? If you were being asked by a creep at a bar for your number, would you give it to them? Would you maybe lie about having a partner or give them a fake number or say you had to go for a pretend emergency to get out? Yes, those lies are for your perceived safety because that situation could be dangerous, but for pwASPD (people with ASPD), every interaction with other people has as much potential for danger as the situation I described. It is understandable to not be used to seeing things that way, but that was our life during vital stages of development and there are things we had to do to adapt to that reality. ASPD literally changes how your brain is wired, so there is only so much that you can expect us to change, and one thing you cannot expect from most of us is to get rid of that belief that we are in danger. Trying to only really makes us see *you* as a danger trying to get our guard down so you can hurt us.

I also don't think "the bare minimum" is a fair way to describe the way pwASPD show love. It not being what you're used to is not the same as it being the bare minimum. It takes an exceptional amount of work on the part of someone with ASPD to try to understand, accommodate, communicate with, and avoid hurting prosocials what with all the extra effort that requires for us. We literally work more than a prosocial does to be "extra" in a relationship just to manage what you call the bare minimum. What is caring about someone if not inconveniencing yourself purely for the sake of understanding them and making them happy? What is love if not effort?

I do understand wishing for the mask to come back, but as someone who has disorders you mentioned in your ask, I'm hoping you understand why asking them to do that would be unfair, unrealistic, and ableist. However, it is none of those things to privately miss that time, and it sounds to me like you're doing the latter which is in no way problematic in my opinion.

There are ways to ask for some of their previous behavior and treatment back without asking them to mask again, if it's things that aren't symptoms of ASPD themselves. For example, if they initiated hangouts/dates more often before, it's completely reasonable to ask them to do that again. If they no longer are expressing interest in your emotions, you can address that concern. Things like that don't have to be asking them to mask - it can just be asking them to do some things within your love language. That's not unreasonable if you're being kind, communicating with them, and making sure your requests are made within reasonable expectations with their symptoms.

You're allowed to have needs and most pwASPD will respect you much more if you can effectively communicate exactly what they are, rather than a generic "I don't feel like you care about me as much anymore" or expecting us to read social cues we aren't wired to understand/look for. I have given (and stick by!) more than one pwASPD the advice to not engage with guessing games and make boundaries expecting their partners to communicate in a way they can understand easily - and thus to not adjust behavior unless they have been told that it is causing harm unless it is *blatantly obvious*. When I say that, I don't mean obvious to prosocials; I mean things like physical or sexual abuse. Even raised voices are pretty normal to plenty of pwASPD, to the point where it isn't obvious that that would scare or hurt someone.

However, if no amount of simple behavioral changes or verbal reassurance can convince you that someone with ASPD cares about you without them basically not having the disorder or letting you cherrypick allowed symptoms, then I feasibly see two choices for you. This isn't me trying to be a jerk, just being objective to what I think makes sense for you and them. The first is that you can put in the work yourself to unlearn the ways that you're used to care being shown to allow you to accommodate your loved ones with ASPD without feeling hurt. If that isn't something that can work for you, that's okay. It's okay to have boundaries and be honest with yourself about what things you are incompatible with. However, at that point, the only thing to do that would be fair in my opinion is to separate yourself from the people with ASPD that are in your life.

I'm not suggesting you never speak to them again (although you are certainly allowed to make that choice for yourself). I'm suggesting you may need to restructure your relationships with those people such that feeling like they don't care (so long as they are doing their best to show they do) won't negatively impact you. In other words, for example, if you can't handle a partner showing they care the way they do because of their ASPD, then it's your job to end that relationship with them and either entirely remove yourself from their life, or just be friends.

If that's the choice you need to make for yourself, then I think it's important that you stress to them that this is not anything they have done wrong or need to work on - that it is an issue with how you are able perceive people caring about you. It's hard to say this in a way that won't sound ableist, because admittedly the issue would be rooted in some societal ableism (not really ableism on your part, just that the way children are taught to perceive love is incompatible with ASPD and even other disorders that can affect empathy and such).

It is very important to note that most of this does not apply if what you are dealing with is abuse - meaning for the purposes of this that they know they are hurting you, they are in control of the behavior that is hurting you, and are choosing to continue it without making any effort to change despite you clearly communicate your pain and what exactly is causing it. To evaluate that, you need to be objective and really ask yourself if you're coming from a reasonable place or not. Are you asking this person to either not have a disorder or allow you to pick and choose what symptoms you find acceptable? Or are you communicating boundaries to protect your wellbeing and making compromises that work for both of you while respecting their past and their symptoms? Those are two very different things, and there are shades of gray inbetween. Asking another prosocial who has not intentionally worked to unlearn their ableism against ASPD and done their research into its symptoms or a pwASPD who has not taken reasonable steps to heal their trauma and not hurt those close to them is not going to be truly objective. If you have a therapist who is aware of and respectful of ASPD, they would be a relatively objective place to evaluate what is abusive vs symptoms they can't be expected to control, assuming you could keep your language neutral (moreso than in your ask, which while not disrespectful or ableist, was definitely not entirely neutral). However, as a person with ASPD I would always prefer my partner speak to me about their concerns over my behavior before they ask anyone else - so if you haven't done that, I would certainly advise you to start there.

Even if any of the things I said are ableist or are rooted in ableism apply to you, it's worth noting I'm not saying or implying you are ableist yourself. Evidently, you came to a blog to get help with this situation from someone who understands the perspective of your loved one as much as possible, and that shows you likely aren't ableist - but as you mentioned one can have ableism to unlearn while not being ableist themselves. Please do not take any of this post as aggressive or attacking. It was all written in a neutral tone, I promise. I am aware how my text tone can come off to prosocials, which is why I specify this. If I was upset with the ask or thought you were just an ableist person or that the ask was disrespectful/not in good faith, I would just delete it.

I hope this helps and if you have or need any clarification, have any other questions, etc. you are more than welcome to submit them to me./gen

#aspd-culture-is #aspd culture is #aspd culture #actually aspd #aspd #aspd awareness #actually antisocial #antisocial personality disorder #aspd traits #anons welcome

[kaijuconfessions]

Chemistry class anon reminded me of my wonderful high school chem class.

Somehow we ended up with only 11 people in our class

9 idiot boys, 1 unfortunate autistic boy who spent the semester bewildered by everyone else's shenanigans, and one unfortunate girl

We were all honors students and we were all morons

Sometimes the teacher would just... Leave??? In the middle of class??? And a couple of the guys would go into the supply closet and eat as many sugar cubes as they could before she came back. They never got caught

Also one time while she was gone one dude started playing with the Bunsen burners and burned his eyebrow off

The lab safety videos we watched were cheesy as fuck and we constantly mocked them, usually (but not always) without consequence

I was not dumb enough to intentionally inhale mysterious fumes, but one time I stood like five feet back and made a big show of leaning slightly forward and taking a big whiff, and five feet was apparently NOT far enough. Turns out an effective way to clear your sinuses is to drop magnesium into hydrochloric acid and inhale the resulting gas

Our teacher was hot as fuck, biggest booty in the school, and fresh out of college and we were always trying to learn more about her. She said she was in a science fraternity in college and we were like "that's not a real frat" (because of course we all knew, as high schoolers, exactly what goes on in a frat), and she got mad and was like "yes it was a real frat! We had social events and costume parties and all kinds of stuff just like any other frat! We were just all nerds"

We asked what she dressed up as for a science frat Halloween party and she said she was Captain Action and her friend (who looked a lot like her but with slightly different coloring) was Captain Reaction. We asked if she could show us the costume and she was like "uhhhhhh idk if I have any pictures of that costume that I can show in school" and we were all like WHAT

We kept making fun of her for not being in a real frat like "pics or it didn't happen" and she eventually did start class one day like "so I found the pictures from the Halloween party and I do have pictures of my costume I can show you"

All the boys snap to attention like "I am looking respectfully"

That fucking costume man

Little red booty shorts

Homemade red cape

And a tight white tank top with a red A (for Action) painted on it

This was the same semester most of us were reading The Scarlet Letter in English class

I wonder why all the pictures she showed us were clearly from before the party or the beginning the party

I wonder what happened

Hmmmmmm

We concluded later that she must have done a wet T-shirt contest at the Halloween party

All of us decided we absolutely must join frats when we go to college

I was in a physics frat and let me tell you our parties were always wilder than my roommates' even though they were in greek sororities.

nerds are fucking insane when given alcohol and illicit drugs

[weepingpussywillowtree]

Below the read more is a long long rant about people being judgemental about my choice to be sober and also on how judgemental people can be about what is fun to different people. References to family alcoholism/drug addiction contained herein.

Drives me nuts when people pretend like people who don't drink are the judgemental ones when there is a massive stigma around being sober and I literally constantly get called boring for it. Yes, I have tried drinking. Yes, I have tried partying. Yes, I've tried the flashing lights and loud music. I may have not tried all of these things exactly in conjunction, but I have tried parts of them together.

But people just assume I'm a prude or boring or that I'm the one judging them. Like, it's just not for me. That's all. Then they ask a bunch of invasive questions about why you're sober, and it's like no... I don't want to talk about my family trauma and the fact that like many autistic people, when I have access to alcohol I use it to cope with working full time and constantly masking. It reminds me of this friend I had in college who would have people straight up yell at him when he was offered chocolate and he'd politely decline saying that he's not fond of chocolate. People always took it so personally, like it said something about their taste that he just didn't like chocolate. I'm not against alcohol and drugs, almost all of my friends drink and do one kind of drug or another, but when people find out that I made a choice that's the best for me specifically they always act like I'm personally taking a shit on their bed. I'm not against drugs, my cousin is literally moving across the country to a state where she can start legally practicing psychotherapy with psychedelics and I think that's cool and should be legal everywhere! I'm literally addicted to caffeine! I do not care! I'm not sheltered either, I literally grew up with a bunch of alcoholics and opiate addicts, and I still don't think drugs and alcohol are evil.

It hit me the other day how much people tie up being fun with alcohol and drugs when I went to the city for a weekend with my partner. We went to trendy restaurants, went to the aquarium, went to the fine arts museum, travelled all around the city looking at shit, did an escape room, and then stayed up late playing board games and eating snacks at a board game cafe.

We were staying with my aunt, who is a recovering alcoholic, like most of my family. On the second day, after hearing our schedule for the day, she was like "wow you guys are really packing in the fun, huh?". And I realized that's the first time in my entire life I've been called fun. The next day, she talked about how liberating it is to be over 50 now, because she's part of an over 50 social group, and they literally never ask questions about her not drinking. She orders a seltzer water and no one even questions it, whereas when she was younger, it was just constant peer pressure and judgement. I'm just so sick of this idea in general that there's a life script you should follow, that people should do this or that when they're young and this or that when they're old. My aunt is an extroverted person. Imagine how her life might have been better if she'd been able to find other outgoing, non-judgemental friends earlier in life. How revolutionary that might have been for her.

Idk, everyone just needs to be nicer and stop assuming that they know what fun means for everyone and that they're more liberated because they do a substance you've chosen not to. Also, while there is value in trying things that you might not like, I see no need to bang my head against the wall trying every party-like experience when I've never liked one before just so I can justify myself to pedantic assholes who are like 'well, have you tried this specifically??'.

#shouting into the void

[gamecubesystem]

Hello! Excuse me for jumping in your DMs, but I'm a little confused about myself and I wanted to ask you a question if that's okay. How did you know you were in a system? Can you tell when someone different fronts? And what does that feel like? I think I may be plural myself and I'm having a hard time understanding what I'm feeling.

You do NOT need to reply to this if this is too invasive or uncomfortable, and if it is, I'm super sorry!

1. How did you know you were in a system

I'm gonna be honest, I got way too high. That's how I found out. If I never smoked weed, I genuinely think I'd still be blissfully unaware.

When I turned 18, my best friend's mom gave me some edibles. Maybe not the best decision, but like free drugs. Obviously, having never consumed weed before, I had no tolerance. This led to me "teleporting" around and feeling like I was floating away.

For a while, I was convinced that I broke my brain because it kept lingering. I was still teleporting. I was still feeling like I was floating away. Then it suddenly hit me that I've always felt like that. Turns out, weed makes me disassociate. I started having a bit of a substance abuse problems when I realized this because, my exact words if I remember correctly, "it already feels like I'm high, I'm just making it so that it feels less weird because now I'm supposed to be high". I looked into it for a while, but was like, "Nahhh, but there aren't any guys in my brain though. I'd KNOW"

And so, once again, I got way too high and someone else fronted that was very much objectively "not me". It was a young child who couldn't talk. Up to this point, me and my friend were making "jokes" that I had it. Like obviously there is more to it than that, and I'm not endorsing drugs. That's just how it worked out for me.

Looking back, there were many warning signs, but I am still sometimes I'm worried that I'm experiencing psychosis because I'm pretty sure I experienced psychosis in middle school, but also I have a tendency to exaggerate things in my head so maybe I was just being normal imaginative thinking that everyone around me wasn't real and that I was dead. Idk idk. (Whoopsie, trauma dump)

But like looking back, there were some clues. I remember having time gaps. Like there is video evidence that I was in a play as a kid and I remember practicing for it, but I also remember being very frustrated that "I practiced all for nothing because every adult in my life just stopped talking about it for some reason" but also maybe that's normal 4 year old stuff.

I also remember in 6th grade being confused why the moment I left science class, I'd not remember science class.

I used to "talk to Jesus" kind of like how I "talk" to the other guys in my head. Idk. Maybe Jesus did that stupid church play. (I have no actual proof that I had a Jesus alter)

When hanging out with people, sometimes I'd feel genuinely out of control with my actions. Like I couldn't stop myself from doing somethings. Or like I'd be doing stuff that I wasn't actively trying to do.

The teleporting thing I mentioned earlier

Being told by my best friend how inconsistent I was. "I thought you hated eggs". It was mostly food. I just chalked that one up to Autism. I chalked most of these things up to Autism.

Sometimes when I "spaced out" I'd have multiple trains of thoughts and I'd randomly come into them.

I'm kind of banking rn, I'm gonna be honest

2. Can you tell when someone different fronts?

Kind of. Sometimes it feels like different moods and the moods have feelings. Sort of. That's what it felt like before I actually knew what was happening. I just assumed it was because I was autistic and masking. Like I noticed I acted distinctly different in social situations, but once again assumed it was masking. And that when I was masking, I was also masking my opinions and feelings.

Now since I'm more aware, it's easier. The three easiest to tell are Klause (that's me), Winter, and Bowie. Bowie can't talk and the thought of talking makes her want to throw up. Technically she can talk, but it makes her anxious. That's pretty easy to figure out. She's also pretty childish.

Winter has more disassociation than everyone else and is just really easy to tell. It's hard to explain.

And I think I might just be biased towards myself. I'm fairly childish, but in an adult way. Me and Winter have been the main fronters recently so Its kind of like If it isn't him, it's probably me. Our friend is honestly better at telling than us.

There are two main kind of switches. Possessive and nonpossesive. Ours are nonpossesive. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's more like there is a single consciousness but it morphs into who's fronting. There's still consciousness, though.

3. What does it feel like?

This one is kind of a hard one since I've lived with it for basically my whole life that I can remember. It's kinda like asking what being Autistic feels like I guess.

It depends on who it is.

I genuinely can't explain this super well. But some of the alters have specific vibes almost? Like one of them feels like a nostalgic smell I can never place. I can't remember which one does this because I'm super sleepy. It's 3 AM for me and I was moving. I was typing this in-between that so if it's disjointed I'm really sorry. I like answering questions and maybe you'll get a different view point from someone else next time Lol.

-Klause

Also don't worry about it being invasive or uncomfortable. I like being asked questions

#ask #did #did system #slay #alter #system #did alter #dissasociative identity disorder #tw: drugs #tw drugs #complex dissociative disorder #dissociative disorder #dissociative identity disorder #actually did #actually dissociative #did introject

[agirldying]

Tw: bullied and ableism

I can’t believe I’m about to say this but I’m 80 percent I have autism and that because of that I was bullied in throughout my childhood in ways that I didn’t realize until now. Or at the very least, got mistreated due to my differences. For context, I am 20f, I have been sexually assaulted various times (but that’s a whole different conversation), I’ve been diagnosed with learning disabilities (dyslexia, dyslexia, and slow processing), I’ve been diagnosed with GAD, ptsd, and social anxiety. I have not officially gotten an autism diagnosis. I’ve however experienced the “your borderline autistic phenomenon” and people have argued about me having autism. I’ve done my own research and I’ve found lots of edvience suggesting I do have autism. It’s a bittersweet feeling, idk how a feeling can be both good and bad but this one is. I look back on my childhood and I see the signs of autistic traits I got bullied for, that I didn’t even realize I was getting bullied for at the time. When I was a kid (and still now when I’m alone) I used to do repeative movements, that I now understand to be called stimming. When I would feel an emotion that was intense or when thinking, I would pacing in a circle or I would make my body go in a circle motion (people used called this circling.) I remember doing this in public, not thinking anything of it. But people would make comments about it, that always made me uncomfortable. They say things like, “look (my name) is circling again” then laugh, or “your pacing again, that’s really weird” or “your pacing/circling why don’t you just leave.” Recently, I’ve even had a memory come up of my abusive ex purposely tripping when I was pacing then laughing. After awhile I stopped stimming despite that the fact that it gave me physical discomfort and sometimes even physical pain not to. When I was kid up until 15, I didn’t understand sarcasm and I still have troubles with it sometimes if the person isn’t a family member. I’ve always taken things literally. My friends would always get really angry at me and yell at me when they were being sarcastic and I didn’t realize that they were being sarcastic. The thing with me is, I don’t struggle to identify emotions in others, I can pick up when someone is unhappy. But I struggle to understand why someone is feeling that emotion or why that emotion is causing them to act that way. I’m good at basic ones though, like crying cause your sad. So when I would get even more confused as to why my friends were angry with me, they would just yell even louder and sometimes curse at me. I’ve been called the R word many times in my life. I’ve been forced to make eye contact even though that makes me feel really uncomfortable. I used to always talk about my interests, but I usually just keep them to myself because I’ve been shut down when talking about my interests. I’ve been told that “I can’t like things in a normal way, so shut up”, “I don’t care, this is all you talk about”, “here you go again” and “I’m done listening to you.” Or just straight up got shut down my others. One of my interests is animals and I really like ferrets, I remember talking to my ex bf about it and he just said, “I hate ferrets, I don’t want to talk to you about them.” Which hurts so much. My interests feel intense and there the core of who I am, that’s one of the few ways I know how to connect with others. Socializing has always been really difficult for me and I’ve never known how to behave properly in social settings. Things I get upset about, have always been that I’m just too sensitive. I get upset cause I don’t want to be somewhere that’s really loud cause it’s scary for example, people just say that I’m being sensitive. I get hurt my a comment someone makes and I get told to “calm down” even if I am calm. If I express that I feel upset because my routine/way of doing things is disputed it’s always been I’m over reacting. I feel like I haven’t been seen as a person and I feel like I don’t belong. I’ve also been hit and punched. I just feel sad about this. Thank you for listening.

Hi anon,

As someone who is diagnosed autistic, your experiences align with mine in pretty much every way.

Unfortunately in this NT world, we are expected to change ourselves instead of others making the effort to understand and respect us. I think the best workaround is to surround yourself with people who are interested in hearing your infodumps / special interests infinite times or who are just overall accommodating to you. Limit communication with people who degrade you and make you feel like you have to mask, as I think you have the right to that boundary. You have the right to be respected, especially as an autistic person. If you need any recommendations of supportive communities to make friends in, I'd be happy to provide.

#text #asks #asd #autism #autistic spectrum #autism spectrum disorder #trauma #ptsd #tw #vent #trauma vent #ableism

[swiftfootedachilles]

people are so weird how are u gonna bash a well meaning person and then refuse?? to tell them?? WHY you’re bashing them?? if ur post was offensive then explain why jesus christ this is not how u have healthy useful dialogue with people, it’s just piling unnecessary hate and cruelty on someone. i’m really sorry you’re being treated so shittily by this fandom, i love your posts.

hey thank you so much for this. the handful of people ive talked to have been very understanding of my side and agree that it seems like this person already didn't like me and was looking for a way to renounce me+my posts

truly, i don't know why she feels my posts are offensive. i hate the idea that a jewish person feels i was antisemitic and fetishizing jewish culture. i researched antisemitic fetishization tropes in opera during my undergrad program. ive always tried my hardest to understand minority communities that i am not a part of, without overstepping and seeming like a white knight/savior. i have always been guided through life by my ethics and a burning need for social justice. i want to fix this!

i was really pissed off yesterday and used more aggressive language in my posts and replies. today my head is clearer but im just as confused. i never expect minorities to do the emotional labor of researching topics for me and handing everything over on a silver platter. i will gladly educate myself, but i cant do that when i don't know what i did wrong. this isn't a situation where i did something clearly wrong and there's an obvious gap in my understanding - ive asked multiple friends where they feel i went wrong, and all of them have said they aren't sure

one very kind person messaged me about how, from an outsiders perspective, they were reminded of other situations where autistic people have their words or actions purposefully misinterpreted, and that seriously opened my eyes. OBVIOUSLY im not saying this person is accusing me of antisemitism because she hates autistic people. but i have often experienced people purposefully misrepresenting me and getting mad without explanation. everything starts out good, great even, and i build a script with which to interact with others. but eventually, you get very comfortable and stop following a script, start to unmask a little. and suddenly all hell breaks loose.

you're not acting right. you said the wrong thing. who would say something like that? so inappropriate. and when you ask for clarification because you genuinely do not know what you did wrong, all you receive are eyerolls and more hate because you should already know this, im not gonna spoonfeed everything to you. you're an adult figure it out yourself.

like i said, i don't think she's, like, hating on me for being autistic. i think ive gained a certain reputation (of what i don't know) in the shameless fandom, and people are projecting their preexisting judgement into me. this means that they don't actually want me to apologize. they don't care. they think i am already not a good person and just want to point that out to me to shame me into saying sorry because they think it'll knock me down a few pegs. whatever. my real offline life is much worse than getting mildly ganged up on on the internet. ill survive. i still want to finish my mickey embroidery and my edits/webweavings and my fics. maybe i will, maybe i won't. like ive mentioned many times before, i have pretty bad rejection sensitive dysphoria and i need to be reassured i will get feedback on my works before i ever post them. my fics were already being ignored by most of the big fandom writers - i think those will just have to be scrapped because i genuinely cannot take hollowing out my chest and putting it to paper only to get a few nice comments/kudos. the embroidery though, that's for me. i definitely wanna do it. the other original posts like webweavings, idk maybe i really don't know

#anonymous #asks #long post #a.txt #kinda lost the plot at the end there but whatever

[kyrii]

idk if anyone will see this. I hope someone does. Normally this is something you'd vent to a friend about. But I currently don't have friends that I feel would both understand and have the spoons to handle me venting. So I'm gonna tag some helpfully helpful tags and hope. If nothing else, yelling into the void sometimes helps by itself.

I recently discovered that I'm autistic. I'll be 28 in September-- I'm a grown ass adult and only just now discovered a major part of who I am, and that shifts a lot in how I view myself. In a way, it's comforting and validating because I feel like I have somewhat of an answer for why I am the way I've been my entire life. It's also incredibly isolating.

I took a trip this weekend to have a girls' weekend with my old high school friends. I've known these women since freshman year of high school-- 14 years this year. I love them dearly, and I know they love me too. That's not in doubt. But my interactions with them have made me realize just now incredibly out of place I feel. I've felt both happy to see them and hang out and also terribly awkward-- quiet, slow on the uptake, socially awkward, not fun to be around... acting like these are people I've just met instead of people that I've known for over half my life.

At first, I thought I was just acting and feeling that way because I haven't seen them in a while and I don't have any in-person friends back where I live. I haven't made a single in-person friend since graduation, actually. So yeah, perhaps it's fair to say that my social interaction skills are very rusty. So maybe if I just gave it time, I'd open up this weekend and things would feel how they should.

But they never did.

Don't get me wrong, I've had a great time. I have genuinely enjoyed spending time with my old friends-- and the new ones I've made this weekend as well. But the whole time, I've felt like a background character. On the outside looking in. The friend that invited me and our two other old high school friends also invited two friends she's made in the last year and has grown close to. I love these new people, and I'm glad my friend has them in her life. But I also feel that my presence has a tendency to shrink as the group number increases.

We went to a small Pride walk today-- the first one I've ever gone to. At first, I was really excited-- I've always wanted to go to a Pride event but never felt empowered enough to do so. But as we were getting ready to go, that feeling of "you don't belong here" kept creeping in. I'm Demi-Bi myself, so I know there's a space for me, though I do worry that some people might not consider graysexuals part of the collective. But I'm also not big and loud, I don't know how to do any kind of makeup let alone the kind I saw everyone else wearing. Suffice it to say that I felt very out of place.

I don't know how to phrase all this without whining. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm whining. I've just come to the realization that this feeling is not new. I've felt this way my entire life. Even with my closest friends, these women. I've always felt like I don't belong. Like why are they friends with me? I honestly don't make sense with the rest of them. I know they'd argue up and down how I'm wrong and list probably perfectly valid and logical reasons as to why I do belong. And I'd be grateful. But I don't feel like I belong. I never have. I feel like everywhere I go, I'm an outsider looking in. And honestly (here come the reason for the TW in the tags), I've had so many thoughts today about how much I don't want to live anymore if the rest of my life is going to be me feeling out of place for the rest of my days. I know these thoughts are passive and they will pass. But right now, I really just want to disappear. If not die, I want to at least disappear into the wilderness where I won't have the opportunity to interact with another human soul. If there's no window to look through, I won't feel like I'm on the outside of it.

Idk how to end all this. Honestly, it's late and these are really big feelings that I don't know how to process or what to do. It feels hopeless right now, like I'll always feel this way. Though I know that logic tells me otherwise, that doesn't help. I don't know how to change or what to do. I don't know how to face the rest of my life with this knowledge that this is how I've always been. It is a natural way of being for me. Do I need to somehow fundamentally change that? Is it possible? And if not, what then? I face utter loneliness for the rest of my life. I'm forced to sit at a metaphorical dinner table where everyone but me gets to eat and enjoy conversation. And I'm just choking down my water.

#autism #autism spectrum #autistic women #autistic feels #vent #venting #tw suicidal ideation #tw suicidality #tw suicide #hopelessness #help #i feel 8 not 28

[pageofheartdj]

Wowie, that sounds like quite the self discovery journey, it sucks that so many people struggle so much. I wish you were allowed to just be you without feeling those pressures when you were figuring things out. Hopefully you're doing okay now?

For me and my aroace journey was a ton more simple. I just, never figured out at what age I was supposed to develop a crush or whatever. The only time I ever questioned myself was if someone told me they had a crush on me, and that was more because I felt hurt that people would pretend to be my friend just because they had a crush on me and didn't actually like me. If I told them I didn't like them like that I'd lose my only current friend(s) which always sucked :/

(I had no friends in school really, so that probably impacts me more. I gave up trying to get along with peeps because I just dont understand their social cues or why neurotypical conversations can be boring at times. Why talk about what someone did if you could talk about dinosaurs or how there's enough different types of apples that you could eat a unique one every day for a year and not eat all the types of apples?)

So really I never realized I should have those feelings so I never questioned why I didn't. I did sometimes judge other people for having them because I didn't understand that it wasn't a choice. Sometimes in high school someone would ask me for relationship advice because I gave them a logical answer, and I was really really confused why people would act or do dumb-ish things just because of how someone looked?? Idk tbh

Gender wise my parents gave up caring, and everyone thought I was gay growing up so they thought I was just being gay?? I guess?? My parents were also neglectful though so it was also that they didn't bother explaining gender roles and let me do whatever as long as I was alone.

Similar to being aroace I never realized I was supposed to feel connected to gender. Eventually I came out after puberty and I say I'm trans masc people my gender (or really, lack of gender) doesn't make sense to people. Gender wise I'm not a girl and until puberty when the definition of girl changed for me, I never cared what people called me.

Being (maybe??) autistic probably really feuls this because I struggle picking up and learning social cues, so when people tried to teach me societal things I was too busy doing other things or didn't realize I should be internalizing it. Like i never thought about being in a relationship and even now that i now am an adult technically i still dont care. I like collecting funfacts more than that stuff, so it never registered as a thing to think about lol

Anyways thanks for explaining it from your experiences, it's really interesting learning what it's like for other people!! Have a lovely day!

Thank you! And yeah I am mostly content now. I know who I am and what I need. It's not perfect. We are never done changing and figuring ourself out. I still struggle a bit with society's set that you can be happy only if you have someone, you must be good at socialising otherwise you are a failed human. While every piece in me goes against it. I don't want any relationship, I don't want family, I don't want children. I struggle at making and keeping friends because my brain works in a way that makes it too hard. So it's hard to remember that I am not a failure just because I am not as connected with people and this is not a measure of my worth. I don't own the world to be a factory toy, the same as everyone else.

Ugh yeah this sucks!! I know people can't help their feelings, but still it doesn't feel nice to have these expectations! (also double yes! why should i care what someone did or their little life stories? this is boooring, do people really care about this stuff? i put an effort to care for a friend, but everyone dumps their stories on me! i can be interested talking about specific topics or work. but when its just. life. why is it my business??)

Also 🤝 for giving love advices xD We are not clouded by feelings so we can analyse this stuff from the side while never being in the relationship in the first place xD And it's hard to understand how people can be irrational because of their feelings!(even though it makes sense. it's like how anxiety can make us irrational. but still feels weird cause these are bad things in bad condition. while they have this bad thing in something good xD)

I am sorry your parents were neglectful! But at least you weren't pressured into roles, so at least there is some saving grace?

I thought I might be agender because I never cared about gender. I like being a bit femminine in a light pretty way, but also neutral/male style also worked for me. But then I was told that not caring for your gender is a cis thing?? I don't know, I feel like I am more like gnc in a passive 'I don't actually care and I wish it didn't exist' way xD

I've read somewhere that if you are queer there is a high chance of being ND and vice versa. Maybe it's not true, but it certantly feels that way xD Maybe because of hetero/allo normativeness of the society, that our brain from the start tells us 'we dont get social norms and we wont' XD

Your experience was also interesting to read! I love talking all about it!! Have a nice day too!❤

#aroace #asexuality

[vespulagermanica]

Just a question. How did you find my blog and why did you like my stuff? Like I know you'd hate me. You'd be so anti me so I'm like haha why'd you interact.

I mean I'd block you because there's nothing more depressing and attention seeking than running a blog based on hate. Your username and pfp are aimed towards hating one piece of media which is undeniably problematic in nature, while your header and blog focus on hating on a guy who has been dead for over 100 years and was a product of his time period (which doesn't make it acceptable, it just makes it sadly stereotypical—also to the best of my knowledge he never spoke out against Jewish people, although at times he wrote in poor nature which is unacceptable, yes, but also rooted in his perception of society which wasn't good and I'm not making excuses for him but rather I'm trying to explain that he wasn't radical in his thinking and if given equal social resources as today he most likely would have been perfectly accepting of Jewish people) and also given the nature of Victorian prostitutes I don't think he was as much of a nonce as you think, but you're entitled to whatever thoughts float around in your brain. Also once again, Oscar Wilde has been dead for over 100 years so it's not like he's profiting anymore.

The only reason I'm not blocking you on sight is because I'm fairly interested in what you have to say. You may have nothing at all to say, and honestly if I were you I'd just block you without response, but obviously we are two extremely different people.

Ok so trying to answer this as nicely as possible because i dont know why a random person i dont follow has so much hate for me over some shitpost and suchand i am very very very tired and people are being so very mean to me about this . Am not crytyping people say that sometimes when im tired i just an super tird . the pfp and header are just silly things based on inside jokes i thought that was a normal tumblr thing to do. Also idont know who you are i literally dont even follow you. I make a bit of a joke of hatinh oscar wilde but erm the postes i made about him were ages ago except for one of them which was literally inspired by this new york time( https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2021/10/11/the-myth-of-oscar-wildes-martyrdom)

or whatever article. take issue with the author from new yorker instead of little autistic guy who doesn’t know you.

take issue with the author from new yorker instead of little autistic guy who doesn’t know you. idk why people are so pressed on something i made when i was 13 and posted when i was older because i remembered my friends thought it was silly. Idk why you are so pressed over me existing. But i dont have a lot of friends on here and mostly reblog stuff i Enjoy and forget to update my profile text with any change in interestes. idk why you think i am a 100 percent hater. I dont really hate wilde as much as i hate people idolizijg him and uwu gay beaning him, but i do kinda dislike the dead guy because of that idolization amongst people who want a accessible gay victorian icon. And also because he(probably , we will never 100 percent know for sure,)had sex with drunk people snd people never tell you that in those polished dark academia pintrest quote boards. Some but not all of the court reccords of these boys say that he intoxicated them severly . And i doubt this is lies because in my research of this topic of victorian rent boys(it is special interest) many get arrested for being acomplies no matter what they say, and infact jack saul, who was very open about his gay actions, got away free fromthe cleveland street scanfal. And also not every one in wilde trials said that wilde intoxicated them so the chances of it being dreadful marquess douglas plot is slimmer. Of course we will never know forsure but rich people have always been strange and awful and i feel that people never consider the class element of things. Haha wilde wrote something on socialism. Nice. Now can we please see something by a lowerclass person maybe

Also idc if people read him more power foryou reading and analysis is really cool especially with the layered homosexual subtext wilde has(he even very lightly references fanny n stella once. Real neat stuff imo and shows how tight knit late victorian gay stuff was)

I know 5at the victorian era was messy and awful at times, i know that in france the age of consent was 13 and in Britain at the time it was 17. I know about the fact telegraph boys were basically a gay version of romanticized schoolgirls. But still there is someyhing kinda unsettling about wildes potential actions being glossed over. It is strange and offputting to see from people with multiple postes against republicans spreading lies about lgbt child groomers. Because that is just a bit of fuel to republicans fire and its painful to see people ignore that sort of thing in my mind, i am sorry if i have a weird sense of justice about dead lower class people. But i just do. Baby im an Anarchist or whatever. Words arent wording sorrythat probably sounded awful

Im sorry if you are upset by my blog i mostly a, m just rebloggimh random stufv i see that i think is cool, and such. Please dont yell at me via cyberspace i wanted to provide as good a response to you as can in this state other people are being really nasty to me over thisand idk why they care about this dead guy so much . That they have to send nasty and ablesist stuff. Sorry its just super scarry

[positivityforlesbians]

how do i even start to flirt, talk, date women? i didn't know i was a lesbian until a few months ago(i'm 22 which is so embarrassing and last year i thought i was bi but through the year i self reflected and i think i'm gay, but idk since i'm a virgin and never had sex with anyone, cause sex scared me honestly, but that was before i thought of sex with women, also doesn't help that i'm autistic, this is so embarrassing) anyways i have a lot of fears about all of it and was hoping you could help. can you even know if you're lesbian without trying to have sex with men? and why did i used to like men sexually or did i just think i did? and why do i feel sorta dirty or creepy when i think of women in a romantic or sexual way? i feel ashamed sometimes and i feel bad sometimes for not feeling "prideful" like other wlw on the web and having what i think it internalized homophobia. i'm moving to pittsburgh in a few months and i'm hoping it'll be more safe/open to lgbt people, it'll be better than my small(small minded as well) hick town but i know it's not as progressive as places like nyc or seattle. this was a very long post but i'm just very very nervous and scared about all of this. i want to be in a relationship with a woman but is it too soon or could i be wrong? i don't wanna hurt someone or be hurt myself. how do i even talk to women? do masc women want me(a more feminine woman i guess) to make the first move? and if so how? ive thought about going up to one and trying to even talk to them but i don't wanna offend and i don't know how to flirt without blushing and acting like a fool. anyways this is a lot of questions so i understand if you can't answer them all but any advice or support would help.

Hi ! I'm seeing your ask and since I'm autistic as well I have many of the difficulties you have, so I might not be entirely helpful. What I can say with certitude is that you don't need to have sex with a man to know you're not into them, just like the huge majority of straight people don't need to have sex with the same sex to know that they're straight. Knowing you don't desire sex/romance with men and instead want sex/romance with women is all you need to know that you're a lesbian.

"Why did i used to like men sexually or did i just think i did?" I'm not in your head to know what were your thoughts but I would say a possible lesbian experience is trying to mimic a straight life (even unconsciously) out of internalised lesbophobia but never being satisfied of it since it's not true to who you are. So a lesbian cannot have liked men sexually in the past, I know you're talking about fantasies only here but it still stays true, at best you can have been mistaken and realised that no, you want nothing to do with that and even the perspective of it doesn't make you happy, rather upset or dead inside, which is really about getting in touch with one's feelings that were always there but hidden behind shame (the same shame that you describe when you say you currently don't feel "prideful", don't worry, these things take time and regardless you can just feel neutral about being same-sex attracted, as in "it's a non-event, I'm just normal" sentiment, it's good enough).

For the rest like I said I struggle too with how to flirt in the intention of dating a woman (I can flirt as a joke/ not seriously) as these involves mechanisms a lot of us (who are autistic) struggle with, mostly communicating, understanding and mirroring social cues in order to create, maintain and even strengthen a bond, opening up/ being vulnerable with her which I think is related to having high empathy when it comes to irl interpersonal relations, making frequent eye contact, showing up often, etc. So we know approximatively what to do, but we have to overcome our own "barriers" to create opportunities with women we want to date. I would say yes you can 100% make the first move on a more masculine woman, it's what I would do anyway and if you blush then that's just one more proof to her that you're interested. Usually they find that cute anyway ! Xx

#anonymous #my answers #lesbian safe #dating #internalized lesbophobia #disabilities #lesbian advices

[ilyuqi]

man i love autism truthing george and wilbur because it makes me feel so validated idk :( here are some things that i noticed

- gets distracted super easily by the smallest things (animals in geoguessr and in minecraft, theres that one clip from mcc with a chicken statue which is just a textbook definition)

- reaction to loud noises (he IMMEDIATELY scrunches his face and covers his ears even tho he wears headphones and it wont help... my gogie)

- gets overwhelmed very quickly and screams/groans as a response (its usually when he has technical difficulties and he starts repeating 'oh my god this is so stressful AAAAAA')

- dream said that when they talk one on one he zones out all the time and doesnt listen to him

- that one time he said 'okay guys listen now i have something #relatable' and described his executive dysfunction and dreamnap went silent😭

- repeats random phrases all the time (skeppy in a funny voice, okay this is epic, many his, WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT ROLLING DOWN, btw i vocal stim with that song all the time as well, especially that one part idk whats up with that)

- coding and minecraft are literally magnets for autistic kids sorry not sorry

- his vocabulary is really sophisticated that man uses so many odd words to describe the most mundane things (i dont have any recent examples but i remember in one of ghd videos he literally said 'im gonna feast upon that soup' instead of just 'im gonna eat that soup' and he does that all the time nowadays as well)

- collecting random trinkets

- 'george just says random shit' -jack manifold and 'you play that weird game of scrabble in your head' -tommy, yeah i have nothing to add they just outed him like that😭

- harry potter as his special interest (that one quiz dnf did where they were like dream: umm, yk, that character which appears exactly for 1 second in the background in the third part of the movie; george: ugh its *name*, obviously, why didnt i think of that earlier)

- he started showing more nd traits when he came out of his shell aka he stopped masking because he feels comfortable on camera now

- prefers being online over spending time with people irl (tommy and wilbur ask him to hang out all the time and he just doesnt want to + hes been like that his whole life)

- his mannerisms... if someone thinks that man is neurotypical they should watch his cooking stream

- hes super socially awkward ('what? im gonna go and show the hairdresser a picture of hairstyle id like? that would be weird...' no george people do that stuff all the time its not weird😭+ that one tiktok about getting a receipt in a shop...)

- his facial expressions are always very exaggerated

- the way he says the most ridiculous things with a serious face all the time or 'george lies for fun' as people say, idk if dry/sarcastic humor is an nd trait but i do this all the time as well because i find it funny... like someone asks how much i paid for dinner and i go 'one thousand dollars' and dont even try to show that it was a joke😭maybe we both are just insane

sorry it turned out so long😭but those are just things off the top of my head im sure theres much more traits he shows

sorry this made me tear up i love george my gogie my gogie especially the harry potter thing i've always thought his little childhood obsession with it was the cutest thing ever (and now we understand. now we understand WHY it is his obsession) and we honestly need to talk about it more gah

[secretswansong]

my parents (and me by extension because whenever they watch something i'm remotely interested in i cannot keep away) have been watching the good doctor again and we're halfway through season 1 and hoo boy it is not the good autism representation i thought it was 4 years ago thanks to college where the fuck do i start

like the moment they said the definition of autism as a "mental condition" i was like "uhhh hold up it's a neurodevelopmental condition" putting the rest under the cut because it's more word vomit (for just the first 10 episodes) than i expected

the ableism is pretty much everywhere and i don't mean just how the other characters undermined and disrespected shaun early on

where are all the other neurodivergent people oh my god where is ASAN where are the autism support and advocacy groups where are the occupational, physical, and speech therapists it's a tertiary hospital with 3D printers for fuck's sake

so far the only other autistic character is this one patient and i also felt so weird at how him being fine with the lights on in the end of the episode looked like some sort of character development complete with bg music????? like yes okay some kids might be like that but it's probably also a sensory processing issue and i don't see that being mentioned or addressed within the episode????? but the parents are great

also okay they just hire shaun without reading up on autism or talking to him to learn more about his condition and his experiences, to understand him, to understand that other autistic people aren't the same as him, or at least find out if he needs any accommodations???? idk their whole system but they should've had that conversation

also UGH glassman's reasons for why shaun needs a therapist like for social interaction??? i liked how supportive he was until he was like "you gotta learn how to get along with people better" or "you gotta take care of yourself" when before you were like "he's high functioning" and you were telling the other doctors to give him a chance??? we can see that shaun's independent and takes good care of himself and it's his work environment that has to change even if and especially because it's a hospital. also given that he doesn't want to see the therapist umm how about getting acquainted with the other people in his apartment community and oh look his neighbor's nice to him oh they're friendly to each other look LEA IS RIGHT THERE

the environment/system isn't modified for him, the other characters still treat him like he's neurotypical. like i said the ableism is everywhere

yes yes this is just season 1 they've got many more episodes to improve but several patients/cases post hiring shaun they haven't made any actual effort to understand and accommodate for his autism (why??? not dramatic enough???) so in this regard the prognosis isn't good

melendez questions why they chose a boy with a heart he can't fix but not why they'd screen that kid and 99 others who all need life-saving surgery???? like i guess that "humanitarian program" really is a thing but isn't that just a little fucked up

and claire oh i like claire so UGH why does her character get treated like shit how come she gets the mean racist patient? is she going to always get mean patients and shitty superiors while the guys don't? also melendez didn't believe that she came up with the femur replacement. but claire and melendez have good chemistry and i ship them already ugh. anyway god bless her she's doing the best she can

lea is great with shaun all around she could help him and provide support the way glassman thinks a therapist could help shaun i mean yeah she does need to study up but still she's great

although yeah with what we get about shaun's trauma and backstory that's what he needs a therapist for

the one thing i liked about shaun having nurse fryday (?) as a boss for 1 day is how important nurses are! especially older nurses who've worked in the same hospital for many years, dealt with multiple batches of interns, residents, consultants etc.??? they've seen things and they'd definitely know more than med students and residents. yes these doctors will gain more experience and expertise but the nurses are RIGHT THERE

anyway i'm gonna complain about the ableism again like i guess they had shaun deferring to nurse fryday as early as episode 2 but they couldn't have the other doctors research about autism, get resources, speak to shaun and other autistic and neurodivergent people, speak with ASAN they should've been doing these ever since hiring shaun he deserves so much better

will i keep watching? yeah i like shaun, claire, and lea too much god bless these three characters

#welp looks like i'm gonna scroll through related posts for the next few hours #cw: ableism #the good doctor #rant #writing #criticism #autism #neurodivergence #representation #also i am once again saying #fuck autism speaks #akin

[holocene-sims]

i try not to post ever about my personal life on here because admittedly, i am a very private person but rn life is really looking up for me and i'm so grateful. i know it doesn't really matter but i just want to put my thoughts out somewhere bc idk, life gets better and i think that's important to acknowledge. and i think the changes in my life are in part due to the confidence i've gained being back on simblr for the last three months. something about being on here and in the community has inspired me.

i'll put it under the cut so not to clog your dashes sdhisfjkdsfkjds but my thoughts are there if you'd like to read my ramblings for a moment. standard tw for small mentions of depression here but nothing explicit

i feel like i've been fighting my whole life for good things to happen. i've suffered a lot and struggled with my mental health and i've never had many friends because i'm autistic and naturally shy and reclusive. even though i've always wanted to make a lot of friends, i never knew how

things got a lot worse the last two years since i've been in college. i worked up my confidence so much to put myself out there and be social and try things i was afraid of. but i got ruthlessly bullied for the first time in a long time, manipulated by people who exploited my trust in them, and it all sucked. i was SO close to quitting school and giving up on having a nice life for good. i figured i'd be alone forever and sad forever. but i came back this semester anyway because i'm stubborn and simblr kinda gave me some confidence back to spite the world and be me no matter what. suddenly things have been falling into place. idk how or why but they have

i randomly complimented a guy's slipknot shirt on the first day of class. a week later, he asked me to get coffee, and ever since then, we've been super close friends. we just hit it off. we were hanging out last night. last week, a girl in one of my classes said that i seemed cool and she wanted to hang out sometime. today, a girl in my astronomy lab group who i've been pretty friendly with caught me leaving class and wanted to hang out, so we went around town going in random stores and having a blast. none of these people will ever understand what they have done for me just by being my friend but it means everything to me

i think for the first time in my entire life, it feels like i actually matter and i actually feel like a real person with a real life. i don't feel like an alien who shouldn't be here and doesn't fit in. i turned 21 last month and had the best birthday party ever with my best friend from back home. i used to never be able to imagine myself being 21. and now there are other people who like me and genuinely want to be my friend. i'm studying something i'm really passionate about and i'm excited for my studies. i got over my fear of standing out; i've been dressing the way i want and i got my septum pierced two weeks and just that has absolutely made me feel 10000x better about myself. so things are good. they are. they really are.

#i know i am not the only person struggling and i hope if anyone else is that you truly believe me when i say it gets better #i have spent 21 years thinking my life would never get better and it was all over for me and that i had no reason to be here #life gets better #i swear it does #i am a huge cynic and hater of empty platitudes #if i didn't believe life gets better i would never say that #i truly believe life gets better #maybe not tomorrow or the next day but it WILL get better and there ARE people around who love you #hell i love you even i don't know you #solidarity with you all #holocene.txt