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josephquinnswhore · 8 months

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Her Sanctuary

Pairing: Joel Miller x female reader.

Summary: you start pulling away from Joel, he’s scared he’s going to lose you.

Word Count: 1.7k

Content Warning: mentions of anxiety, bad mental health. Joel talking about Sarah!!! 😭 soft Joel!!!!! Hurt/comfort.

Note: kinda just wrote this on a whim after rewatching the last of us. I miss joel. @cool-iguana ily.

You were an outspoken person. About everything. There wasn’t a single topic you didn’t have an opinion on. Always a snarky reply, a joke, or following pun. That’s just who you were.

Joel spent months wishing you weren’t like that. That you’d just shut up so he could have a few moments of silence between you. His limited replies included a scowl, raised eyebrow or an annoyed grunt. He spent months travelling across the country with you, refusing to open up and reluctantly teaching you how to shoot his rifle.

He didn’t like how you made him feel. How he had started looking at you romantically. The sound of your laugh stirred something in him. Your bright eyes lightened the darkness in his own.

He never allowed himself to let you in; as much as a fight he put up. You wormed yourself into the cracks in the walls around his heart and started to mend him. He doesn’t know when it happened exactly, all he can remember is wanting to hear more of her laugh, he even found her a joke book in an old RV he scouted one evening at the trailer park they posted in overnight.

He had learned how to accept your brightness, for all its worth. Your dorky comments, crooked grin and boisterous laugh. Even those small touches to his back and arm when you would pass by, excusing yourself. Always followed by a mumbled, “sorry.”

But this.. this he didn’t know what to do. He was tearing himself up inside for not knowing what to do. You were quiet today, something bubbling inside of you that radiated off and in between them in a depressing aura that had Joel feeling breathless.

He even found himself staring at you, from the corner of his eyes, turning his head to watch you, making sure you kept up as you lingered a few steps behind him, completely silent. Not laughing, not crying. Silent.

It was heart wrenching and he couldn’t figure out how to put the pieces together to finish the puzzle. Nothing extreme had happened that they hadn’t faced before. They’d fought off some infected yesterday but—it couldn’t have possibly been that. They were fine. They survived.

Maybe you just wasn’t coping as well as he thought you were.

He tried to think of things to cheer you up, and the guilt consumed him when he realised he didn’t really know much about you. He had never asked. It was always you asking about him, pestering to know more about him. He cursed himself for being so selfish.

The harsh reality of their one sided dynamic hit Joel hard, he had always protected her, with his physical strength and ability to kill. That primal instinct that kept them both alive and for what? He couldn’t help her when she actually needed.

He felt utterly useless.

Until. He had an idea. That stupid fucking joke book that she treasured, had to cheer her up right? It had to draw out one of those loud laughs that made his insides flip, the smile that made your eyes squint that his heart craved to see.

He reached into his pack, pulling it out. She’d stashed it in there, insisting that her pack had no more room. He didn’t argue, he knew she struggled carrying the weight. He decided that day that he could carry the extra burden for things that she decided she couldn’t bare.

This baggage however, was tricker. He would take it if he could. He hoped this would work.

He turns around to look at you and what he saw made him feel like there was a metal vice around his heart, your slumped shoulders and black eye bags complimented a vacant look in your eyes, you were unrecognisable in comparison to your default sunshine personality.

“Hey, I was thinkin’ about that algae-bra joke you told me the other day.” He tried to make his voice as soft as he could when he spoke to you, trying to nudge a reaction.

Nothing, she barely looks at him. “Hm?”

“Anyways, I was thinkin’ we could pass the time with this.” He held the joke book in his hand, swinging his pack back over his shoulder, adjusting his rifle strap as he shuffles on his feet.

You felt a spark of something, something that was quickly put out by the fear and darkness that felt so consuming.

“Maybe later?” You offer quietly, walking past him. “It’ll be dark soon.”

Joel felt defeated. How had he failed so badly. How did he let this fester inside of her like a fucking disease that he didn’t know how to get rid of.

This was an infection in your mind; that he figured on his own. This kind of infection he didn’t know how to cure. He had always pushed his own anxiety and panic attacks down burying them, until he learnt to live with it.

But you; the one fucking good thing in his life that brought him life, hope. He wouldn’t allow you to ignore it, to let it consume you.

He wasn’t going to let you fall victim. He would do whatever it took.

He set up camp in silence, stuck in his head about how the fuck he was going to help you, a feeling of shame overwhelmed him as he sits by the fire, rubbing his hands together as you sit in your sleeping bag, across from him.

Arms wrapped tightly around yourself, legs pulled to your chest. It made you look smaller, the way you held yourself protectively. A reflection of the flames flicking in her eyes only made the mood more somber.

He can’t say something came over him, possessed him to say what he felt bubbling up inside of him. He didn’t want to lose her. To him, you were too important, you disarmed him and weaselled your way into his heart. He wasn’t going to let you leave, not ever.

“When my little girl used to get upset, she always shut me out like this, like what you’re doin’, I always told myself she’ll come around.” He nods to himself, as if reminiscing the memory.

You stay silent, watching him. Watching his expression soften.

“An’ now she’s gone it’s all I regret. Not doin’ more. Not making more of an effort with shit like that. Fuckin’ haunts me.”

Not once in the months they’ve travelled he had mentioned having children, a daughter, let alone a decreased one. He had mumbled a few times in his sleep, incoherently a name. Serine, Sari, Sarah? You could never figure it out, and never pried.

But here he was, sitting across from her looking on with longing eyes and his features the most relaxed she’d ever seen.

“I ain’t makin’ that same mistake again, seein’ you like this, pullin’ away. Feels like I’m failin’ all over again.” His admission shocks you, enough to stun a quiet confession from your own lips before you could think.

“I thought you were going to die.” He seems surprised to hear you talking, but stays silent, wanting you to talk more, wanting to hear more.

“I know we’ve dealt with plenty of infected.. we’ve had some close calls even, sure.” Your heart clenched as you recall.

Joel lying on the ground with that infected on top of him, Joel’s gun inches away as he fumbles, fingertips desperately grasping the hairs of grass as he searched for his weapon.

Holding the infected away with one arm, grunting in a struggle that he was bound to lose. It’s rotten teeth and fleshy stench was so close to grazing Joel’s neck. Inches away from sealing his fate.

You had somehow mustered some courage inside of you to tackle the infected, throwing it off Joel and giving him a split second to reach for his gun and put a bullet in the back of the infected’s head.

Your jeans still stunk, of gunpowder and blood. A stench so vile you couldn’t help but relive the moment, it was on your mind every second, unable to process it all.

You almost lost Joel. Joel almost fucking died. It was a breath away.

“I thought if I just—shut down maybe you’d get tired and ditch me.. worse yet I��d stop caring about you so damn much.” Joel’s ears perked at her soft admission.

“And I know you think I’m just—some annoying fucking girl that you have to protect and feed and I’m sorry..“ Joel wouldn’t allow another word.

“Hey. Look at me, now.” His tone was soft, but held a firmness, there was no doubt he wasn’t asking you. He needed you to look at him.

His face looked so soft beyond the flames of the fire, his expression was tender and kind; as no one had ever seen before. He looked beautiful, fuck, he was handsome. You’d always thought so.

“I know it was a close call, we’ve learnt from it, yeah? We won’t make the same mistake.” You nod, Joel continues.

“Don’t pull away from me sweetheart. Please.”

You open your mouth to say something, but Joel interrupts by patting the space beside him.

“C’mere sweetheart. C’mon.” You don’t waste a moment to plop beside him. He wraps his sleeping bag around you and his big hands grip around your torso to pull you into his.

“Tell me you ain’t goin’ nowhere.”

For the first time since you’ve known Joel. He was the one asking for comfort, reassurance.

“Promise I’m not going anywhere Joel.” You nuzzle into him, his natural musk strung a desire out of her that all she could do was lean into him.

“You get some rest now. I’ll keep ya safe.” He murmurs into her ear, a promise.

All you could do was obey him. Closing your eyes as your body and mind revelled in the intimacy and vulnerability of this moment.

His head rested on top of yours, your hair gets stuck in the rugged coarse hairs of his beard. He finds himself nuzzling into you, allowing himself to get lost in you. After months of fighting you; he lets go. He lets you in.

You were his. And he wasn’t going to let anything fucking hurt you. Not even yourself. He would be your sanctuary. No matter what it took.

#Joel miller #pedro pascal #tlou #angst #the last of us #Joel miller x reader #Joel miller x female reader #joel miller fic #joel miller hurt/comfort #joel miller angst #joel miller x you #soft joel miller

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wroteclassicaly · 3 years

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Waves of Blue (Andy Dolan x Reader)

Warnings: Language, smut, vaginal sex, vaginal fingering, rough sex, hair pulling, face slapping, slight choking, mentions of drug usage, & angst.

A/N : AAAAAAHHHHH! I have found the post that teaches you how to add a read more on mobile! Shoutout to the person who told me about that! You know who you are! ^_^ Anyways, I am so gonna be posting more, even if it’s harder because I have to write the fics on my phone, versus my laptop, lol. I stumbled across the song Waves of Blue by Majid Jordan, and my ass was emotional af (I have included some of the lyrics here in blue!) I obviously don’t own the song/lyrics!

The song was the kick one of my drafts needed for extra inspiration! And so, I bring you the start of this mini fic! It won’t be very many chapters. And I will probably re-visit for a prequel, to write out how the reader and Andy first hooked up. But I wanted to try something different and start my fic with their relationship already ongoing. Hopefully it doesn’t suck, haha.?

I haven’t felt this inspired for a Cody character since Michael Langdon! I adore Andy’s traumatic, cocky, angsty, hot mess ass! And I really wanna explore the creativity he’s bringing me! Lemme know what y’all think? And give the song a listen - I’m in in love with it!

Forgive me if there’s some mistakes, loves! I’m nervous about how I’ve written Andy, and how the smut is. Hope y’all enjoy anyways!

~*~

The rain is a glittering array of shimmering moisture as its presence is pouring down on the roof of your apartment. Your knees are knocked tightly together, jean fabric digging into flesh. Your phone is perched face down atop your legs, vibrating messages you don’t care to read. They’re not the ones that you want to see. You tilt your head back, the tears redirecting themselves down the sides of your cheeks. You turn your gazing direction to that silk robe atop your bed - a reminder.

“It’s just a fling, love.”

But it can’t be, can it?

You have to laugh at yourself. Isn’t this what every girl asks themselves when they’re dumped? Rare is an exception who steals the other person’s heart and changes that exterior they carry. Your phone vibrates again and that raging anger to match the ruby red color on his robe that rests on your bedroom sheets - it charges your energy like a violent strike of lightening! Your hand launches your phone into the hallway outside your bedroom door before you can stop yourself.

“There’s your fucking fling, dumbass Andy Dolan!”

You try to hum to fight off the incoming intrusive thoughts, to ignore your ringing phone in the distance, but it’s to no avail. You’re getting more overwhelmed with the pain by every agonizing second. Your fists clench into the leather armrests below. It’s too much, you can’t bear another second of this shit. It doesn’t matter that it’s raining, it doesn’t matter that you have over fifteen unanswered recent calls from Andy since you threw your phone - unbeknownst to you.

You snatch the stupid silk robe from its place and begin your knowing journey with the excruciatingly expensive item, having already made up your mind. A quick removal of your keys from the hooks beside your front room door and your bare feet seem to lead you - heart first - into the downpour. Your clothing is soaked the instant you step outside. Mumbling all the way to your SUV and clutching Andy’s silk garment becomes your saving grace to help anchor your focus. If one can be focused in bare feet during a thunderstorm, erratically throwing her car into reverse.

The drive to his place of privacy - his sanctuary - the cold place you once used to help him warm. It doesn’t take you long. With your tires grinding against soaking asphalt, country beach roads whipping past you, and your angry windshield wipers struggling to keep up with your car’s pace - Andy’s gates come into your sights. You’re trembling, too upset and geared to go for a turn around now. Andy didn’t change the security, so you let yourself in, abandoning your car just inside, doors open and interior carelessly being soaked.

It doesn’t matter. I just have to tell him this.

That’s your mantra for continuous approach. You round the long expanse of beautiful greenery, waves crashing violently in the distance, a love affair to collide with this storm. Your simple outfit of blue jeans and a baby blue tank top are beyond recognition, weighted down by the sopping wet summer. The shivering begins to thrum along to an invisible, but very present humming inside you. It’s that feeling, the one you know all too well.

Andy Dolan.

Like when you first met, you begin to tremble, letting your limbs move you accordingly. Making sense is last on the priority list. Normally, you would have a thousand conversational scenarios laid out, but that’s not the case. Rushed on purely raw need to tell him - no - inform him, that is what is in charge here. The soft grass is squishy between your toes, a tickle from each freshly mowed blade, water in the distance smelling like salt and flowing freedom.

Every sense is heightened for you right now. Your limbs are heavy, yet your footfalls are light, carrying you with a quick grace. You don’t bother with the front door, opting for his usual back door hang out. It’s a few more minutes before your destination is reached. That’s when you hear him screaming, his voice in high distress, hard and rough against the accent. Your chest heaves to cage hammering heartbeats that you can’t keep up with.

“Motherfucking ANSWER ME!” He shouts, ripping the phone from his ear to redial.

You rolls your eyes, assuming it’s a dealer, or whomever he would rather be with than you. After all, he’s the one who said he just needed an ideal situation, not a relationship.

“Y/N... come on, don’t be a fucking cunt! I need to tell you something, please!”

Almost on cue the song drops loud on his fancy speakers in the house, freezing you to your spot.

I wanna hold you close

Don't wanna let you go

Be with you night and day

'Cause I've been feeling so low

Don't have to ask me twice

You really take me there

I wanna touch your light

I wanna breathe in your air

Andy angrily taps at his phone again, almost growling, reminding you of a wild animal. That’s when you’re snapped into your remaining senses, moving up and onto his deck, standing just feet from him. It takes him a few seconds to look up and see you through the rain. You can’t bring yourself to go any closer, afraid to let go right away. That’s how it is with Andy, you always give in.

You cut him off before he even gets a chance.

“Fuck you, Andy.”

Damn, was that really what you worked up the courage to dangerously drive yourself here to confess?

His lips purse a popping a noise, eyes widening in surprise at your word choices.

“I really fucking hate you.” Is what you give him, finding it easier to take steps now.

He still doesn’t speak as you approach, almost as if he’s recoiling. That wild animal within Andy Dolan. He’s not used to this. You can barely see through the rain, feeling like a moron. The movies make it look so dramatic, but you feel like you’re a wet dog on the verge of catching a cold.

It does good at numbing you though, almost shielding you from those haunting blue eyes. You swipe a hand across your face to clear your vision, and take that final step onto the deck with him, now just on the other side of where he stands in the doorway. That’s when he decides to speak, his voice softer than you’ve heard. It echoes his exhaustion, his surprise.

“You’re not the only one that feels that way, Y/N.”

You shake your head in disbelief, both of you not daring to make that closing gap. You would douse his body with yours; wet and cold. You’d be lying if you denied the shiver that attacked you, drawing your body in like a magnet - helpless to its every move.

“Don’t give me this kicked puppy front. We’re all human beings, Andy. And I didn’t fucking deserve you cutting your baggage open and just... dumping out whatever you felt like on me and then letting me go.”

Fuck.

He inhales sharply, head tilting in this sadness you seem to understand within the moment. It steals your breath, a pain punching your ribcage, causing your heartbeat to skip a few. Your jaw twitches as you turn away to gather your bearings, starting back down into the yard.

Why the fuck did I come here?

I'll be holding you tight

When the night is through

Andy takes a deep inhalation behind you and that catches you, dragging you right back. Before you know which end is up you’re turning back around and striding across the pool deck and right into your former lover. Andy meets you in the harsh rains, his hands cupping your neck so possessively, that you can’t remember a time where this hot mess of a man wasn’t bull dozing your life apart. You grasp his face in your palms, that unshaven stubble prickling your flesh. Your mouth meets his, his phone becoming ruined and forgotten as he lets it fall to the ground beside him.

His strong arms path down to encircle your waist, pulling you in from the weather, bunching your t-shirt up until it’s pooling around your tattered bra. You raise your arms to help him discard it, the heavy wet noise it makes when it collides with a nearby pool chair is enough to make Andy gain his surroundings.

“Stop, stop. Are you fucking high?” He asks you, a cautious pause.

You shake your head. “Aren’t you?”

This is when he scares you with a solemn silence you weren’t aware he could possess.

“Andy...” You push your fingers through his damp curls.

“No, I’m not. I was just about to... when you didn’t answer.”

Almost as if he can’t take revealing that bit of truth, he thumbs a bra strap down your shoulder - deliberately slow. Your skin stings with the line of goosebumps that it brings, your own hands struggling to push that stupid ass identical robe off his broad chest.

“I should fucking rip this.” You say, causing a smile to come from him.

“Rip it and I’ll put you on your knees.”

“Has that ever stopped you before?” A challenging look presses your features, but Andy intercepts, wrapping your hair around his fist and pulling your hair back. You feel the ache crack from the tips of your toes, hot wired into your cunt - direct express.

“You need more marks from me.” His mouth caresses your jawline, stubble catching the underside when his lips find your neck, a stimulation that you have become accustomed to craving.

His teeth bite down, a few seconds more where you feel him cleaning his evidence with a light set of kisses.

“There we go.” He scrapes his milky white teeth across your ear with a whisper so hot that you bow into him; knees weak.

Your bra is the next thing to fall somewhere, your jeans following. Andy doesn’t wait for you to even kick them off, his fingers sliding into your lace panties to see how much you still need him. He licks his lips, eyes closing in pleasure, a familiar stroking rhythm unraveling from the tips of his fingers.

“Shit, that’s a good girl. Even when you hate me you still need me, don’t you?”

The cockiness makes your wrist snap and palm collide with his cheek. You’re riled up, he’s riled up. Something you know he likes. “Like you fucking needed that?” Is your retort.

He groans out, a honey wet dip in his tone. “Only you can fucking touch me like that, Y/N.”

Lightening flashes through the darkened midnight skies, rain pounding across the surface of the pool to create a special beat. Andy finds your mouth in desperation once more, working your underwear down in a frustrated jerk. His fingers part your slick folds and ease into you without any warning. You look down to watch his strong forearm flex in its working marathon, back and forth between your thighs.

We'll be riding the tide in the sky so alive

On waves of blue (waves of blue)

I'm in love with the thought of being in love

In love with you (love with you)

You can bring me along for the rest of your life

If you wanted to (wanted to)

You let go and give into him, not daring to question why you came here in the first place. You know why. Andy has stopped his touches, watching you with that lowered stare he gives. His body is glowing from the neon lighting his home harbors, his creamy skin glistening with rain water. He’s hard through those silk pants, nothing left to the imagination.

“Take them off. Now.” You command him.

He can’t hide the greedy smirk that appears on his lips, not taking his eyes off you as his pants and boxers disappear in one go. He is gloriously hard and thick. You almost want to laugh at your cliche salivating tongue. Andy brushes your wet hair off your temple, his hands moving down your body in a tapping massage - reaching their target to hook behind your thighs.

He lifts you with ease, your legs wrapping around his waist. He’s panting rapidly, nosing your neck. He grips himself, teasingly stroking your cunt to gather your arousal. You stutter on an exhale, unable to breathe out properly. It’s jagged and broken, much like your rationality.

You stop him when he attempts to press inside you. “Tell me again,” You plead. He looks at you in confusion. “Say I’m just a fling.” You finish.

“Y/N...” He struggles.

“Before you fuck me, I want you to tell me what I mean to you, Andy.”

It’s hard not to just fucking forget this and let go, let him take you, both of you get what you want and not have to deal with anything else. But you need to hear it. You want to know how much you’re not worth anything to him. You need to hear it more than you need to find out how much you mean to him. That’s what you came here for...

His enriching ocean eyes are glossy with desire, with something else you can’t place. They pin you into a set of shakes. You grip the hair at his neck’s nape.

“Everything.” He says it all at once, bringing your hand down atop his to help him line up, as he fucks himself into your cunt, stretching you with that delicious drowning burn.

You're no good for me

You got what I need

I just wanna be with you

You cry out, vision sprinkled with an array of floating shapes. Andy drives you against the door, hips slamming so hard you know you’ll be bruised before the night is through. You keep one arm around his neck, lowering the other to encourage him to hurt you deeper, nails clawing at his lower back, shredding the skin. His face stays buried in your neck, stubble adding to each motion he makes inside. You cling tight, using all your strength.

It’s slippery, it’s unstable, you can barely hold onto one another, but you manage. And that moment when you finally can’t keep yourself up, Andy lets you slide down, bringing you into the floor of the doorway, lifting your legs onto his shoulders, pressing in so hard you can’t contain the tears that roll from the corner of your eyes, coasting. He’s familiarized himself with how you come undone, even before you knew.

“You’re drenching my cock, baby. You need to let it go?”

You don’t answer, causing him to grip your throat.

“When I ask you something I expect an answer. You remember how this works, don’t you?”

“Fuck, yes! Please, Andy!” You don’t pride yourself now.

He guides a hand across you, as if he’s tuning a fine instrument. Your stomach quivers with a passing of his fingertips, engaging in a butterfly filled stomach clench. You’re tensing up, anticipating. Desiring.

“Fucking do it! Show me how much you still need this...” He trails off, dropping to rest his chest against your breasts.

“Even if you don’t need me.” It’s a counter thought to your need to hear him say he doesn’t want you.

“I’ll always need you.” You push him onto his back with newfound strength, and pin his hands above his head, your hips bouncing so hard that you can feel his firm structure beneath. That’s right, this is exactly what you have to have.

He’s damn near whining now, squeezing your fingers tightly. “Y/N.”

It’s a warning you don’t need. You lean down to steal a kiss, leaving him further winded, nudging his nose with your own, breasts smashed to between you two. Andy gives a silent agreement, dropping a hand down to quickly rub your clit. Your heartbeat is so out of control that you can’t hear anything but your own cries as you cum all over Andy’s cock. He follows with you, holding himself, keeping you there.

He’s shaking when it’s over. You can’t find coherent speech capabilities.

I'll be holding you tight

I'll wait this through

You stay resting on top of him, still keeping him inside. You don’t know what’s going to happen, but you know that there’s no going back now.

This is just another beginning...

~*~

Tagging: @dark-mei-rose @confettucini @lovelylangdonx

Lemme know if y’all wanna be added to the tag list?!!!!

#andy dolan fanfiction #andy dolan fic #andy dolan x you #andy dolan x reader #andy dolan #eden fanfiction #eden #kristenwrites

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melwilson · 3 years

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Breaking Point

pairing: steve rogers x reader

warnings: none

rating: angst, fluff

a/n: i just realized i haven’t written for steven yet so here u go ;) this has been in my drafts for awhile and i just finished. i really like this one.

Steven Grant Rogers. A name destined to be written down in history books forever. A name that changed the world and opened up its mind to new possibilities, new realities. The name of the man you had fallen in love with. The name of a man who had captured your heart before you had the chance to say no. He was a soldier. A leader. A national hero. To you, however, he was just Steve. A kind man with a good heart and an undeniable compassion for people. He was strong. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too. It was damn near impossible to break Steve Rogers. And when he did break, no one saw and no one knew. No one except for you.

You, a former espionage agent for SHIELD. Someone who had unintentionally weaved there way into Steve’s heart. The first thing Steve noticed about you was your worth ethic. You were driven, determined, knew what you wanted, slightly intimidating too. Steve liked that. He admired your kindness and your love for all people. And that smile. God that smile was brighter than the sun and would always send a wave of warmth through him like a fresh cup of coffee. People thought you were hard. Glass shards and bloody knuckles. But if they knew you like Steve did, they’d see the real you. The woman who only liked her eggs scrambled and literally could not function without caffeine. The woman who laughed at dumb dad jokes and cried at the end of corny romance movies.

That was you and that was the you Steve loved. Although, he had never expressed his love for you out loud. You two were complicated. It was evident you wanted to be with each other, but work oftentimes got in the way of things. You didn’t get to spend as much time together as you wanted to and when you did, it was usually interrupted. So until the busyness of life settled down, you agreed that being friends- close friends, friends that loved each other- was good enough.

However, right now was one of the rare moments that you got to be alone. The rest of the team decided to go out for drinks leaving you and Steve together in the tower. You two made dinner together and watched the sunset while you ate. Steve didn’t talk much. He preferred to listen to you. He loved your voice. Some found it gruff, but Steve would say it was music to his ears. It was soft and honeyed and had the rare ability to calm him down at just the sound.

Right now you were telling him about the training exercises you and Maria were putting new candidates through. This year’s class was good, skilled, but only the top twenty would make it through, and you had fifty to choose from. The topic then bounced to how much paperwork you needed to get done and then about the last thing your mother had lectured you about on your last visit to see her.

Realizing you had been talking for far too long, you asked, “What about you, Rogers?”

The blonde raised an eyebrow. “What about me?”

You chuckled, shaking your head. “How are you?”

Steve couldn’t remember the last time someone had asked him how he was and had been genuine. Of course he got the, ‘hey, how are you, Cap?’ But that was just common courtesy. Yet, here you were before him, adoration shining in your eyes as you waited for him to respond. “I’m alright. I’m good.”

You cocked your head to the side, studying the man in front of you. His blonde hair sat in an organized mess on his head, just like you liked it. He was dressed casually in a pair of jeans and black tee that outlined every muscle in his upper body. There was a scratch on his cheek from a recent mission, but the bruises surrounding it were starting to fade. He looked like your Steve. “I don’t believe you.”

“Pardon?”

“Something’s wrong. Somethings off.”

“I’m fine, Y/n.”

You shook your head with a sigh. “Steve, you don’t have to hide anything. It’s just you and me. How are you? How are you...really?” Steve had the tendency to bottle things up and shove his feelings behind him just like you. He was stubborn and headstrong and sometimes it got the best of him. Especially when refusing to talk about his feelings. He preferred to deal with it on his own. His friends had their own baggage and emotions to deal with. He wasn’t going to burden them with his problems too. And that there was one of the many beautiful things about Steve Rogers. He always had the interests of others at heart. He would sit and listen to Nat, Sam, anyone who needed a shoulder to lean on. He would be there. He would always be there. He would carry the burdens of his friends with him to lighten the load on their back. And though he knew they would always do the same for him, he never asked them to. You knew that. Everyone did.

That’s why you were trying to pry your way in. You knew Steve needed to get some things off his chest, express his frustrations, and whatever was nagging at the back of his mind. You could tell. His eyes were an open book to you. The eyes that were usually a bright, ocean blue were dull, light seemingly far. There was a heavy weight behind them, a kind of exhaustion that told you Steve was close to his breaking point.

He glanced over at you holding your gaze. A moment passed before his shoulders slumped and he a ran a hand over his face. He sighed knowing that you weren’t going to give up and you would sit with him until he talked. All because you cared. You truly and deeply cared for the man in front of you. You would be there for him at his best and at his worst, through his highs and his lows and right now was no different. You wanted to be the shoulder for Steve to lean on. You wanted him to pour out his heart to you and carry his load with him. You wanted him. All of him.

“I’m supposed to be strong,” Steve started, “That’s who I am. That’s Captain America. A symbol that is the literal embodiment of strength and courage, but Steve? Steve is weak and broken and so damn tired. And honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can do this, Y/n. I can’t keep up with this life anymore. The missions, the fighting, all of it. Not to mention all the drama. I carry the weight of this team on my shoulders and they talk about me behind my back. And I act like it doesn’t bother me, but it does. It does because I feel like I deserve a little bit more respect.” He paused for a moment, hands balled into fists, eyes searching your own. “I’m exhausted, Y/n. I just got back from a two week long mission and Fury just got new intel. A new mission is being planned as we speak. I’ll be gone for only God knows how long just to come back and be sent off again. It doesn’t feel like I’m in control of my own life anymore. And that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that you’re here and I’m not with you. This is the longest we’ve been alone together in months. I’ve got a girl that I really like and I don’t even have enough time to take her out on a proper date. And I ask myself everyday if it’s worth it. And I think ‘of course it is. Why would you ask that kind of question? You get to make the world a safer place. Save lives,’ but how can I save lives when I can barely will myself to get out of bed in the morning? I never thought I’d say this, but I want to give it up. I’m ready to throw in the towel. I can’t do this anymore.”

Your heart was heavy as you caught Steve’s eye again. Not once had you seen him so broken, but you should have expected as such from a man who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. He was a protector, maybe even a savior to some, and he was a placed on a pedestal and given a crown and he was deemed the golden boy. The fearless warrior. A man of war. A lion. A leader. An Avenger. Captain America. Regardless of his title, he still had a heavy load to bear and he bore it alone so that no one else had to. And every day it became a little harder to conceal. A little harder to hold to back. But he did it anyway. He knew he would reach his breaking point, it was just a matter of time...but if he could hold it off for a little longer. However, right now, in front of you, the time had come. Steve Rogers was completely and utterly broken before you. He was weak and he was worn.

You stood up from your seat slowly, moving to crouch down in front of the blonde so you were looking up to him. Your hands rested on the side of his jean clad thighs, a sympathetic smile tugging at your lips. ‘I’m proud of you,” you mumbled, “for opening up. I know it wasn’t easy, but you needed to. Can I be honest with you though?”

Steve nodded as you began to rub circles on his thighs with your thumbs.

“I-I don’t believe you. I don’t think you’re ready to give this up quite yet. There’s no one who loves this job as much as you do. I’ve seen it. I see the way your eyes light up when you get off the jet after a successful mission. I know you love saving the lives of innocent people and getting them the justice they deserve. I know that you love your team, even if they do irritate you. I know that the world needs Captain America. Of course, Tony and Nat and Clint and the rest of the team can get the job done, but you hold that team together. They would be lost with you, Steve. You know that. You and I both do. And yeah, one day it will be too much and one day, you’ll be ready to retire, but you would beat yourself up if you left now. You’re overwhelmed and tired and exhausted. I get it, but you can’t keep holding it in. It’s not selfish to talk about what’s going on, Steve. You can ask for help, you can lean on someone else’s shoulder. You can lean on my shoulder.”

The blonde took your hands tugging you to your feet before wrapping an arm around your waist and pulling you down onto his lap. Immediately, you wrapped an arm around his shoulders, fingers fiddling with a loose thread. The way Steve was gazing at you made you nervous. He looked at you as if you were the moon. A light in the darkness. An enforcer of wonder, beauty, love, and amazement. Just when he thought the sunset was the most beautiful part, he saw you and your fresh, new perspective. In a matter of minutes, you were able to lift a part of the burden off of his shoulders, relieving him of his pain and exhaustion even if it was only temporary.

“You’re too good for me,” Steve said softly, letting his free hand run the length of your thigh. “Thank you for being here.”

Your fingers dance through his hair as you nodded. “There’s no other place I’d rather be.”

Adoration could be seen in Steve’s eyes from a mile away. Hesitantly, he leaned up lips brushing yours before pressing to them fully. You hummed into the kiss savoring the feeling of Steve’s lips on yours. This was the first real kiss exchanged between the two of you. There had been attempts, yes, but there had also been interruptions and inconvenient timing. Right now, though, the wait seemed to be worth it. Steve’s hands tugged at your hips, fingers digging into the exposed skin. The moment seemed to last forever, until it didn’t, and you pulled away, lips swollen and panting. Steve let his head fall to your shoulder where his lips peppered soft kissed to the base of your neck and collarbone. The feeling sent a shiver down your spine, eyes fluttering shut.

“What would I do without you?” Steve asked, voice deeper than usual.

“Quit, I guess,” you teased, pulling back to see his face fully.

His demeanor switched to serious, a hint of brokenness in his eyes. “I can’t do this without you.”

You leaned down placing a lingering kiss to the soldier’s forehead. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

#captain america #captain america x reader #captain america imagine #marvel #marvel fanfiction #Steve Rogers #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers fluff #the avengers #avenger imagines #chris evans

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bluearson · 3 years

Text

Double Trouble

Request: I see your requests are open and you write ✨ soft Dabi ✨ can we get a little smth for Dabi with an s/o who has a water quirk that sooths his burns to further soft dabi supremacy 🥺 (thank you for all the fantastic fluffiness you have blessed us with 💕) The day started off ordinary. The sound of music filled your ears as you patrolled around your self-claimed “turf”. Life was easy, a little dull but the life of a vigilante with no loyalties was not always boring. Then you saw him, hiding away in an alleyway. He was tall, beautiful even you might say. The scars that littered his body looked painful. You felt almost sorry for him, a quirk that his own body can’t handle. You wanted to help him.

Feeling confident you strode up to him, “Sir?” You spoke out to him. He was almost like a feral cat, he shifted his weight quickly onto his other foot and extended his left hand, blue flames appeared between his fingers. It was like a reflexive survival instinct. Your reflexes were faster than his though, you pulled the moisture out of the air and snuffed his flames out. He watched in disbelief as steam bloomed off his hand. “That’s an impressive quirk you got,” He croaked. “So, what are you? A pro hero?” There was an malicious edge laced into the words he spoke. “I wouldn’t want to rope myself in with such close-minded people.” You scoffed, “I’m better than that. I’m my own boss.” You crossed your arms over your chest as you eyed the flame-quirked stranger. He only grunted in response as he looked you over. You felt like he was scrutinizing you under his eye. “If our paths cross again.. I think I’d prefer having your help.” He was gone before you could even say goodbye. Even though he hadn’t made the best first impression, neither did you. You weren’t sure how to feel about the next time you met him. At the very least you hoped that you wouldn’t be on the wrong side of his flames a second time. You shuddered at the thought. You caught a glimpse of him walking down the street together with a girl much shorter than him, she rather cute. You wondered about what relationship they must have had. They seemed like good friends at the least. She was very animated and clung onto his arm as they walked together. Secretly you wished you could be her, clinging to his arm as you strolled through the city. That was another fantasy to write about in your journal. It wasn’t the first time you’ve been infatuated by someone but man.. you really wanted to be at his side. The universe seemed to have enough of punishing you when one day you heard a voice calling out to you, you looked over your shoulder as you took a long swig of water from your water bottle. You flashed the familiar figure a smile as it came fast approaching. “I missed you.” “I’m sorry I kept you waiting so long, sweetheart.” He teased. “I like what you have to offer. I think we could make a pretty good alliance.” The words sent your heart a fluttering. Alliance? He wanted to form an alliance with you? “I would like that..” You extended your hand to touch his forearm, looking up at him as though you were asking permission to touch him. Your fingertips grazed his skin softly. When he didn’t move away you allowed your hand to settle on his rough skin. “Does it ever hurt?” You asked as you examined where the stables met his skin. “Sometimes.” He answered quietly, as though he was sharing a secret with you. “Do you have somewhere we can discuss this privately? I hate being out in the open too long..” He rubbed the back of his neck as his eyes darted around. “Yeah I have a little hideout where I make deals.” You turned on your heels and made a beeline for the hideout before you could even see the look on his face. Once inside you fastened the series of locks that prevented squatters from breaking in when you weren’t around to protect your secret base. You told your new partner all about your quirk, nearly professing that you held a flame for him once or twice as you tried to explain how useful you could be to him. You had experience teaming up with criminals before. Together you were a force to be reckoned with, especially since you could stay hidden as you supported Dabi from the shadows. You began to notice he’d start doing little things for you. You even took note that his arm stopped sizzling as much after a fight, usually you tried your best to keep up with him but there was only so much you could do while trying to not seem like a shady person carrying around several gallons of water. Still you felt like your efforts were always appreciated, even if they weren’t up to the standards you wanted every time. You lived for the way he’d pat your head as steam rose off his arm. The way he’d smile at you even for a brief moment. “I love you.” You said to him one day as he smoked his morning cigarette. You were enamored by him, utterly and totally captivated by everything he did. “I’m glad we’re apart of each other’s lives.” You quickly added. The raven haired villain took a long drag before exhaling the smoke, you watched as some slipped through the staples in his face, it looked as though he was a dragon breathing fire. “I’m glad you’re around.” He tore his eyes away from yours and you felt a little deflated. You wondered if there was ever a chance he’d see you as something more than just his “sidekick”. You wanted to ask him if he was single or not, about that girl you saw him hanging out with all those months ago. It never seemed like the right time, nor the right place. You didn’t want to ruin a good thing. Things didn’t change between the two of you after your little outburst. You still couldn’t push your feelings aside for him, no matter how hard you tried. “Dabs, do you try to push me away because you don’t think I can be a good villain?” It had been on your mind for a while, the way he seemed to keep you at arms length even though you both shared a common goal. “You don’t need to protect me if that’s what you’re trying to do. I’m more than capable of taking care of myself and holding my own.” Your eyes searched his for an answer, for a glimmer of emotion under the tough guy act he held in public. You knew him long enough to see right through him. Every mask he wore. Every layer he tried to mask his true feelings behind. You wanted to tear all those walls down for him, to hold him in your arms and play with his hair. To be vulnerable with each other and raise hell together. If he wanted to watch the world burn you’d gladly fan the flames of his ambitions and further his goals. You wanted to see him succeed in everything. For the world to know that there was nothing that could stop him with his partner in crime by his side. He just stared back into your (E/C) eyes, a sad look washed over his face. He couldn’t just say you didn’t understand, you knew about his ideologies. You supported him with every fiber in your body. He cupped the side of your face, rubbing his thumb against your smooth skin. For once he didn’t have a snarky comeback to bite back at you with. You two just stood there, staring into each others having a silent conversation. It felt as though you two were trying to telepathically communicate with emotion what words couldn’t possibly convey. It lacked the power to truly grasp the full breath of the things you wanted to tell each other. Dabi pressed his forehead against yours, “I don’t ever want you to act recklessly because you’re following behind me. I never want you to get yourself hurt trying to keep up with me.” He paused, and brushed a lock of hair out of your face. “I know my own limits, and I know when I’m pushing myself too far. You don’t need to worry about me like I’m some.. fragile kid. I’m not made out of porcelain. I’m made out of flesh and bone, muscles.. and I’m a lot more sturdy than I might look.” You laughed lightheartedly, trying to lighten the mood. “I appreciate the fact that you’re looking out for me Dabi.. but I can only do so much if you keep me at arms length. I want to be your equal.” “You always were.” “Then let me in. Open up to me. Talk to me for fucks sake.” “I think actions speak louder than words. Words get jumbled.. twisted.” He tore his eyes away from yours as he looked off into the distance. He seemed so far away and you let him have his moment to reflect. “You’re too valuable to me. You help the pain stop. I’ve gotten too used to it Y/N. You know you’re really cruel sometimes..” He toyed with a lock of your hair. “You’ve got me hooked on your special little treatment and now I can’t stand the thought of you no longer being apart of my life. You’ve made yourself essential to my personal comfort.” You pulled him into a hug, squeezing him gently as you listened to the steady rhythm of his heart. It took a moment before he wrapped his arms around you in kind, his body was warm. “How do you think I feel?” You chuckled as you shook your head, “I’ve always been fascinated by you Dabi, ever since the first day I met you. I’ve never been able to get you off my mind for even a single second to myself.” “Damn..” You felt a rough kiss being planted onto the of your head. “What did I ever do to deserve someone like you in my life?” He chuckled. “Don’t ever say I never loved you. You just weren’t looking close enough. Too caught up in your head to realize I’ve been saying it ever since I agreed to let you into my life.” You said nothing as you simply enjoyed his embrace. Drinking in his scent as you let his warmth envelop you whole. “Wherever you go, I’ll be close behind. Damn all the consequences. There’s no place in this world I’d rather be than with the man I cherish. I trust you with all of me, Dabi.” You planted a kiss on his cheek. “When you’re finally ready to entrust all of you, your baggage, scars, and whatever else you’re hiding away from. I’ll be there, to help ease your pain.” You took his hand and raised it to your lips, planting a firm kiss into his skin. Taglist: @some-kindofgnome @humanitiesstrongestchicken @hecatve @axerrri

#Lighting the Bonfire #Dabi #Dabi bnha #Dabi x Y/N #Dabi x Reader #Dabi fanfic #soft Dabi

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hopelesshawks · 3 years

Text

Basic Instincts Part 12- Day Off

18+ Hawks x fem!pro hero reader

Summary: Hawks was your first friend, your first kiss, and your first love. You were the same for him. But you’re not little commission trainees anymore, you’re full fledged pro-heroes now with all the baggage and sacrifice that entails. Things are different now, and when the two of you end up accidentally mated, well… they’re about to get even more different.

Masterlist Help Lulu <3

You toss your phone to the side with a sigh, happy to have at least one thing handled. You have faith that Tamaki and Tokoyami will keep your secret at least. The door to your bathroom opens and out emerges Keigo, now clad in sweats and an old shirt he’d had to rip the back out of to accommodate his wings. Steam billows out after him as he finishes drying his hair before having one of his feathers carry the towel back into the bathroom to be left with the rest of your laundry. He flops onto his back on the bed, wings splayed, before shifting to move his head into your lap. Your hand immediately moves to comb through his feathery locks. Funny how some habits never die. “How’re you feeling?” you ask. “Better. Head still hurts but nothing I can’t handle,” he replies, his eyes fluttering shut in contentment as he leans into your touch. “You know this isn’t sustainable right? We won’t be able to hide a mate bond from the commission forever, especially if we have to contend with separation sickness,” you point out. “I know. We’ll have to figure out a way to break the bond,” Keigo agrees. “On top of figuring out what the Liberation Front is up to,” you sigh, biting your lip nervously. “Hey none of that,” he chides as he shifts so his head is no longer in your lap. “C’mere,” he commands, reaching out to you. You roll your eyes but comply easily, allowing him to pull you into his chest. “When’s the last time we had a day off?” he asks. “Never,” you reply. “When’s the next time you were planning to take a day off?” “I’d take a day off if I needed it!” “No, you wouldn’t.” “How do you know?” “Because you’re just like me.”

He’s not wrong.

“Ok what do you suppose we do then?” you ask. “I say we order takeout and have a lazy night in,” he declares. “You know we’re just going to end up working at the end of the night anyway,” you point out, an amused smile slipping onto your face. “Yea probably, but we can at least try to be normal people just this once right?” “Yea... you’re right. Fuck it why not.”

And that’s how you found yourself grabbing as many blankets and pillows as you own and dragging them into the living room. You assign Keigo nest duty, a job he eagerly accepts even if he plays off his excitement. In the mean time you head to the kitchen in search of tea and take out menus. You find a menu for a yakitori place and decide to order from them while you get the hot water going. By the time you return to the living room, two mugs in hand, the couch has been pushed back in favor of a massive puddle of blankets in front of the tv with plenty of pillows distributed throughout. You also realize Keigo had somehow stumbled on your collection of plushies when you notice your cartoon-y stuffed plague doctor and ghosts have been distributed around as well. One plushie is still in his hand though and it makes you stop short.

Keigo is glaring daggers at the Deku plushie in his hand. You’re surprised the damn thing doesn’t combust under the force of his anger. “Why do you have this?” he asks, his hand starting to clench around the poor stuffed doll. “Kei are you.... jealous? Of a doll??” you ask incredulously. “No! I’m just wondering what’s so special about Deku,” he pouts. “Oh my god,” you groan as you move to the center of the nest so you can at least set the mugs down. “What? I can’t help but notice you don’t have plushies of any other pro heroes,” he argues. “Ok first of all,” you sigh, pinching the bridge of your nose, “it’s not even mine. I hold onto it for a friend. And second, if you must know, the only pro hero merch I have is actually a Hawks hoodie.” All traces of his prior jealousy disappear as he looks at you in wonder. “Really?” “Yea, it’s old though, from your first ever merch drop,” you admit, getting slightly self conscious now. He stares at you and you can tell there’s something he wants to ask. As if reading his mind you sigh “you want me to go put it on don’t you?” “Yes very much so please.”

You return in the hoodie made to look like the jacket and shirt of his hero costume, scarlet wings printed on the back to complete the look. “Happy?” you ask and the soft grin he gives you in response makes your heart flip in your chest. “Very. Now come over,” he smiles. You roll your eyes but listen anyway, coming to join him in the little blanket nest and accepting your mug of tea when he offers it. He flips the tv on as you settle against his chest but then a thought occurs to him again. “Wait if the Deku toy isn’t yours, whose is it?” he asks and you groan. “Can we drop it about the stupid plushie?” “No, now I’m curious.” “If I say you’ll be mad....” “No I won’t.” “You will.” “Just tell me!” “It’s Stain’s.”

You can practically hear Keigo’s brain short circuit.

“Did you just say Stain?”

“Yes...”

“As in hero killer Stain?”

“Yes.”

“The one who died after the attack on Hosu City.”

“I don’t know how else to confirm to you that you’re indeed thinking of the right person.”

“I have so many questions,” he sighs. You know you probably shouldn’t but you can’t help but joke “He’s my emotional support villain.” “He murdered several pro heroes in his supposed quest for justice,” Hawks points out. “Yes and I’m not saying that was ok but you have to admit he had a point about the commodification of heroism, although I think the fact the HPSC is run like a Fortune 500 company is more at fault than heroes themselves. He’s interesting to debate with and after meeting Deku and watching Ingenium ‘reform’ himself or whatever, I think Akaguro realized it’s the system he should’ve been targeting and not the people themselves,” you explain. “Oh my god you two are on last name basis?” Hawks asks exasperatedly. “Like I said, emotional support villain. I don’t know I just kinda wish there’d been a way to reform him and turn him into a hero or at least not a villain while he was still alive. You know?” you shrug. Keigo thinks of Twice, of the tutoring sessions he gave him, of his loyalty, and of his final moments. “Yea I know what you mean,” he concedes, pulling you a little bit closer. You can sense the shift in Keigo’s mood immediately so you squeeze his arms where they’re wrapped around you in a show of support. You decide to lighten the mood so you pipe up “You’re not going to ask why Stain has a Deku plushie?”

“Wait, yea what the fuck?”

“I bought it for him for his birthday and called him a fanboy. He stopped talking to me for a week.”

Keigo absolutely fucking cackles at that and it should be the most unattractive thing you’ve ever seen but you love it.

Always have, always will.

A/N: I know Stain didn’t actually die after saving Midoriya in Hosu but also I had forgotten he didn’t die until I looked up his wiki page to get his name and the name of Hosu City and by then I was already too married to the idea to change it lmao. This is a sillier chapter but I felt like it was needed after last chapter was pretty intense

Taglist: @oliviasslut @theycallme-becky @vibesdontlie @superhermit @thechroniclesofawriter

#hopelessbi #hawks #wing hero hawks #hawks smau #hawks x y/n #hawks x fem!reader

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rantingwriter · 3 years

Text

New Neighbor (Kasamatsu Yukio x fem. reader)

Trigger warnings: angst if you squint, mention of traumatic past nothing graphic though.

It had been a long and arduous journey of loading the moving truck, driving said moving truck for 3 days, sleeping in questionable hotels, and unloading the same truck into your new apartment on the 3rd floor with a busted elevator. As the clock chimes 10 you finally finished. You are exhausted, but it was worth it. A fresh start, an opportunity to start over and move on from the grief you experienced in your home town.

You decide to take a break outside in the gazebo before starting the next step of the process: settling into your new space.

As you take in the warm, summer, night air, a young man approaches the complex with bags of groceries. “Hello.” The ravenette nearly throws his bags out of surprise. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.”

He stares at you looking like a deer in headlights, “Huh-hi.” There is a long and awkward stretch of silence.

“My names [y/n] and you are?”

“Kas...Kasamatsu…” He appears to be sweating profusely at the mere sight of you.

“Nice to meet you,” you try to smile and show you mean no harm, but it doesn’t seem to do anything other than scare him off.

“Nice to uh...Bye.” He hurries into the building and you are left with an odd feeling in your stomach.

You sigh and give the guy enough time to retreat into his home before rising up from your spot on the bench to start unpacking. Gotta at least fix up your bed for the night.

You reach your door and feel a pair of eyes watching you. You glance over your shoulder, “someone there?”

No response.

“I’ve got mace and I will use it.” You reached for your pocket, you were bluffing, but you hoped it would scare them off.

Still no response.

You shudder lightly as you rip your door open, as soon as you cross the threshold you shut the thick hunk of wood and lock it up. A sigh of relief follows as you look at all the boxes that contain your entire life. You lean against the door and yawn, “it’s only the first day, give it time [y/n], things will be better.”

You take the next few days to unpack and get settled in the apartment before you start your new job at a recording studio. Nothing super glamorous, mostly assisting wherever you are needed, it pays the bills at least. You enter the simple looking building and go to orientation. They get you set up with a badge, establish your schedule, and provide you a map of the building. Once you are familiarized with everything, they send you up to aid one of the producers that is working with an up and coming artist. You heard the guys' music by chance on your spotify, but they never showed a picture on any of the albums. It made you curious. Who is this mystery man?

You knock on the door and wait for the muffled “come in,” before opening the door. “Welcome! Go grab us some coffees from the lounge, we are going to be swamped for the next 8 hours.”

You nod and hurry towards the spoken destination, would’ve been nice to hear a please, but oh well. As you navigate the labyrinth like hallways, utilizing your map as best you can. You realize very quickly that you have no idea where the hell you are.

“Shit...Where am I?” You look around for any form of landmark in the surprisingly barren halls, when a familiar face catches your attention. “Kasamatsu?” The man freezes up instantly, the guy he was speaking with peering around the corner to see why. “Sorry, just...trying to figure out where the lounge is.” You were starting to feel flustered yourself, why did he react like that when you spoke? Does he know you? You hope not.

“Oh, you must be the new girl. Just follow this hallway and it’ll take you straight to the lounge.” The other guy points the way for you.

You nod and mutter a quick thank you before hurrying to finish your first task. You were warned the producer is a diva and you did not want your first day to start with a tantrum. The lounge turns out to be a little café that the studio owns, would’ve been nice to know.

You wait for about 15 minutes to reach the counter, only to be informed you could’ve just come straight to the front and picked up the order that had been called in ahead of time. The order is huge and in reality requires at least two people to carry it all, but it’s just you and your shaky balance skills. Thankfully most anyone who saw you immediately made room for you to shuffle by on your way back to the room.

It looks like you are in the clear as you approach the door, but sadly luck was not on your side as the entrance swings open. Effectively knocking you over, along with the large order of (now lukewarm) coffee. You are drenched from head to toe and the one who knocked into you was in no better shape. The producer steps out and shrieks, “What the hell are you doing?! Are you trying to sabotage Kassy?!?”

“Kassy?” You are both appalled by his lack of concern for you and confused as you make eye contact with ‘Kassy’. Once again, the timid man from the apartments is staring at you. He looks less scared this time at least.

“Ugh, I can’t work with someone like you!” The producer is livid and you brace for the worst when Kasamatsu finally speaks up.

“It was my fault, I didn’t see her out here and hit her with the door.”

This defuses the over the top man and he breathes in deeply. “I see, fine, you can stay, but you really should take better care of your appearance, we have a reputation to uphold.” Your features scrunch up in disgust as you watch the man walk away.

A hand reaches out to you and you follow it up to find Kasamatsu on the end of it. “Thanks…” you accept the gesture and he helps you up off the floor. He still looks incredibly stiff, but less like he is going to pass out at any given moment.

“Sorry about...the door, I always forget to check the little window first.” He gestures to the viewing window he is referring to and using it as an opportunity to avoid eye contact.

“It’s okay…” you look down at yourself and sigh at the state of your clothes.

“There’s a shower here...and if you are fine with fan merchandise...I can get you some fresh clothes.” His frequent pauses make you wonder how he is able to work in this industry.

“Yeah, I’m okay with merch, anything is better than smelling like latte’s all day.” You try to lighten the mood, but it just falls flat.

“I’ll show you the way.” He briskly walks towards the locker rooms and you take your time washing up. You leave the shower to find clean clothes left out for you and a bag for your soiled garments. You smile a tiny bit, the guy seems really nice.

After a long first day you are finally able to go home and crash. On your way up the stairs you bump into Kasamatsu one last time. He doesn’t jump this time and actually waves sheepishly. You return the gesture and reach your door before you realize he lives right across from you. “Hey,” you catch him before he enters his apartment. You are about to confront him about the weird behavior and clear the air, but a flash of a similar situation in your mind stops you. Instead you say, “Thanks for the clothes, will I need to return them after I wash them?”

He shakes his head no, “you can keep them…” he looks like he wants to say something else, when a long minute has passed you nod your head and prepare to turn in for the night. “Welcome to the building!” He says it so fast you almost miss it entirely.

He is bright red and standing at attention when you face him again. You can’t stop the small bubble of laughter at the sight. “Thank you, have a good night, Kassy.” You snicker as his face deadpans at the nickname his producer gave him. “See you tomorrow.” You enter your apartment before he can say anything else.

His cheeks feel warm and his eyes are still trained on the door to your apartment. He really wanted to talk to you more, but his own fear kept him from doing so. Perhaps you would be the key to getting over the fear that has been plaguing him since he was young, but would he be prepared to handle the baggage that tagged along with you when you left your hometown?

#reader insert #kasamatsu x reader #yukio x reader #Kasamatsu Yukio #kuroko no basket #the basketball which kuroko plays #slight angst #fluffy fluff #long shot #part 1 of ?

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aubergineanathema · 4 years

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Evidence of a struggle

Part 1 - The ruin in the clearing: Preface Part 2 - Whispers in darkness Part 3 - Käsdorf and Wulvosburg Part 4 - Secrets behind stone walls Part 5 - Wind chimes and wildflowers Part 6 - Beneath the hillock ----- Part 7. The road was still damp from the previous night’s rain. The loose dirt had turned to mud, and the horse kicked up brown flecks onto his coat and accoutrements with every hoof-fall, much to the messenger’s dismay. He took pride in the upkeep of his horse’s tawny coat, and groomed it often. He was, after all, representing his duchy and his lord. Trekking through the muddy back roads of the lowlands, however, would mean more work for him when he got back to Cologne. He sighed, but ultimately, it was a small price to pay for the favor of his superiors, and the knowledge that he had the luxury of maintaining appearances.

He has spent the night in the simple town of Kasdorf. It was such a small village, it had not even had an inn. But the people there were hospitable enough, and they had readily offered him both food and lodging. He had slept in the church, which had a few guest cots, and had paid one of the young men there to stable his horse and feed him for the night. The lightening and thunder had been quite jarring throughout the night, but he was just glad the storm had cleared up by morning, and he had not needed to travel through it.

As the messenger of another lord, he had had the option of asking Lord Alastair for hospitality overnight, and in the past, he had even taken that liberty. The castle itself was beautiful, full of fanciful objects from the noble’s many journeys. But a sense of anxiety inevitably gripped him whenever he had stayed there. The Vorsfelde family was certainly amicable enough. They seemed nicer, in fact, than many nobles he had met. But there was something about the way they looked at him, smiled at him—as though he were some novel form of entertainment they were beholding—that made him distinctly uncomfortable.

Even the servants seemed a bit off. They were all dazed, boring people, who did not seem willing to hold conversations and were uninterested in his many tales of travel. There was also a layer of dust that covered everything in the guest bedroom, which he found most distasteful. So, he had stayed in the village instead.

No matter. That place was behind him now.

Now that his errand had been completed, the messenger was much more relaxed than the last time he had rushed through this woods. He had also planned purposefully to make this length of the journey in daylight this time around, to avoid any chance of anything untoward happening in the forest. Like a strange dream, he remembered the fright he had had only a few nights prior. Attacked—or at the very least harassed—by the creatures of the woods. He had never been fond of animals left untamed by humans, but he particularly disliked the flying things that could plunge upon him from above.

Disdain colored his memories, but he admitted to himself that the path was hardly so threatening in the daylight as it was in the depths of night. The canopy above him seemed far less suffocating with sunlight streaming through it. The shimmering shadows were much reduced, their patterns upon the ground were almost pleasant to behold as the branches above swayed their multitudes of leaves in the breeze. He even found himself smiling at the sight of a small squirrel, hastening from branch to branch on some urgent self-imposed mission.

He slowed his pace slightly, remembering that his own swiftness need not be so urgent. It was still morning, after all, and he had made good time on his last errand. His lord would not be expecting him back before the following morrow. His horse seemed to appreciate the gesture, and snorted contentedly as he trotted along. He still valued making good time on his errand, but he also thought it might be nice, for an hour or two, to just admire the scenery.

As they meandered down the path something about the wayside caught his eye. Looking down from his horse he could see that much of the young growth—yearling trees, brush and weeds—growing up near the untended ditch had been trampled by something. He assumed it must have been a bear, or some other large animal, perhaps disoriented by the storm the night before, but as he continued down the road he saw a mess of human footprints distorting the earth along the side of the road.

The messenger frowned, but did not stop, following the tracks along the side of the road as they went off in the direction he was already traveling. Although it was true that in one direction Kasdorf was only about an hour’s walk on foot down the road, in the other direction it was may miles to the next town: about a day’s ride by horse, with several diverging paths in between. If someone had lost their bearings completely around here, and was unfamiliar with the forest, there was no telling where they might end up.

Anyone on foot out here would be more vulnerable to highwaymen or animals, and during his travels a man without a horse was generally either a man in peril or on pilgrimage. Even pilgrimages, however, tended to be small groups of people, with at least one horse between them to carry the sick or supplies. There were no fresh hoofprints on this road, not since the last rain. Uneasy, he continued onward, one eye on the road, and one looking for any sign of what might have happened.

Continuing on, there was more messy tracks upon the road. The messenger could not help but pause and wonder, with a growing sense of dread, what had unfolded here. Each footfall seemed to grow so far apart. The owner must have been sprinting--or fleeing. The tracks were interspersed with gouges in the mud marred the path, signs of slipping, and falling. A handprint here and there in the mud. Stumbling. Evidence of a struggle.

Strange dark brown splotches in the mud.

And a smell.

It permeated, almost imperceptible at first, and easily missed if he had not slowed his pace so. But it became more pungent the longer the messenger lingered. It mingled with the smell of wet foliage and damp earth. Fresh, and faint, but there.

His horse whinnied uncomfortably, agitated as the messenger slowed hesitantly to a stop. It was a smell he recognized, stinging his nostrils. Like overripe fruit, sickly sweet and sharply metallic.

The smell of death.

And on the road in front of him lay a man’s severed hand. Nails dirty and broken, palm facing upward up and fingers slightly curled, loosely grasping at nothing. The jagged flesh ended at the wrist, exposing small bones. It sat in a pool of blood that had stained the dirt around it dark brown.

Snapping the reigns, the messenger drove his horse into an almost instant gallop. He did not look back, and did not make a sound. He would not slow until his horse nearly succumbed to exhaustion. He would not feel safe until he reached the next village.

Not far from the road, hidden from view of the messenger, a campsite had been destroyed. Overturned tents, and a drowned fire. Blood and bodies, of both horses and men. Scattered belongings amongst the brambles. Nothing of value was stolen from the baggage still strapped to the corpses, slowly beginning to putrefy under the shadowy canopy of the forest.

A red fox emerged from the forest soon thereafter, harboring none of the same fear as the messenger. Scurrying upon the road, sniffing the ground and flicking black-tipped ears. It was eager to snatch up the hand from the road long before anyone else came through. Scavenging was in the fox’s nature, after all.

And nature was always quick to reclaim what was hers. -----

This has been Part 7. For more, see my Fiction Updates post.

----- If you like this or my other original work, please feel free to share with your friends (with credit of course). I would really like feedback, so don’t be shy to talk to me about it!

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roxannarambles · 4 years

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Top 3 Favorites Of Fire Emblem 3 Houses

It’s time once again for Top Three! This time, for Fire Emblem: Three Houses, a game I’m rather late to playing but have finally gotten around to!

I’ve decided to divide it by houses and give my top three favorites from each of the playable characters from the three houses/four routes.

(Contains a few plot spoilers.)

Black Eagles

1.) Caspar

Caspar isn’t a perfect guy; he tends to have a disturbing tendency toward black-and-white thinking on morality, dividing the world into pure heroes and pure evil, and he doesn’t always stop to ponder the more intricate details of moral quandaries. Yet, despite that fact, in his heart he means well, and you cannot help but love him anyway. He’s enthusiastic and earnest, whole-hearted in what he does, and will fight fiercely to protect his friends. His voice actor is simply splendid and I think half of why I adore his character so much; the delivery is just perfect. The character will bring humor and energy to almost any situation, and both those elements are valuable standouts in a game with often heavy story themes.

2.) Petra

In a lot of ways, Petra is simply fulfilling a warrior princess archtype; a self-reliant huntress, proud, fierce, grateful to the blessings of mother nature, confidant, driven. With all that, it’s hard to find anything to dislike about her. She’s genuinely open and caring with everyone, despite the injustices against her country. She works very hard and carries the burden of an entire country on her shoulders with poise. She also makes for a powerful assassin unit.

3.) Linhardt

Linhardt is, to be perfectly honest, probably suffering from some pretty bad depression. His tendency to skip sleep some nights in favor of binge-studying, and then to sleep excessively and at all odd hours of the day, doesn’t read as “quirky” to me so much as a plain and very real symptom of depression (which can manifest in a number of ways, including insomnia and excessive sleep). His general attiude of apathy, again, seems a rather plain sign of depression. Considering the troubles of his past that he mentions he’s been trying to avoid confronting, this does make sense. While I don’t particularly enjoy Linhardt’s apathy and sleepiness, he’s actually quite a nice intellectual and a very good friend, when he puts his mind to it.

Blue Lions

1.) Ashe

Ashe is a Very Good Boy, My Good Son. He’s as sweet and pure as a summer’s afternoon and I won’t suffer any fools who say otherwise. He dreams big and he actually puts the effort out to pursuing those dreams. Even when others try to dissaude him, or tell him he’s being niave to have such glowing ideals of knighthood, he fights for them anyway and follows his heart. He also cares deeply about his family and does all he can to take care of them, putting their needs above his own. And, he’s flippin’ adorable. What a lovely person.

2.) Felix

Ok, look. I don’t always like rude, bitchy, acerbic tsunderes. But when I do, I like me some Felix. Apparently. Felix is a disappointingly rather two-dimentional character in a lot of ways, since he falls into the “obsessive swordsman trope” that Lon'qu, Rutger and others also fall into. He obsesses over his swordplay and over improving himself, but there is no real core to WHY he obsesses over it; what drives him. The support conversation with Byleth and Felix explores this, but the conclusion never actually reaches any reason why he obsesses over it. He simply wants to be strong for the sake of strong. He has no idea why and never actually finds a reason. I find this deeply unsatisfying. Still, despite this fact, I cannot help but enjoy him anyway. His bitchiness and tsundere behavior is highly entertaining to me. And he does seem to at least draw some very clear lines: as obsessed as he is with power for sheer power’s sake, he is truly disgusted at excessive bloodshed and cruelty. He’s equally disgusted at romanticizing battle or dying for your ideals-- although I think his interactions with Ashe make him consider that sacrificing for your ideals may not be so terrible after all.

3.) Annette

She’s bubbly, cheerful, energetic, loves to learn, is super friendly and often silly and provides comedic relief. The Blue Lions are generally a bunch who carry some pretty heavy emotional baggage-- so Annette’s presence is pretty essential to lighten the tone at times and help buoy people up. That’s not to say Annette doesn’t have her own shit to deal with, considering her father left her and her mother when she was still young. Still, she is a resiliant person who manages to carry on with aplomb despite that pain. And we get to enjoy her reconciliation with her father during the Blue Lion route, which is quite nice.

Golden Deer

1.) Claude

Claude . . . Claude has so much great potential as a character, but I feel he was short-changed, in the end. He has an intriguing combination: he’s a man who has built up a reputation of being a sneaky, devious schemer, somebody to not be trusted and who does not trust others-- who relies soley on himself. Yet, on the other hand, he also has big, flowery dreams of creating a world that has destroyed racism and xenophobia, that welcomes and celebraties diversity and differences of all stripes. For all his claims of being self-serving and mistrustful, his dreams are enormously altruistic and compassionate. There was great potential in exploring this contradiction in his character, as well as tracing Claude’s path of slowly opening up and learning to trust others with his tender heart-- such as with Byleth. The trouble is this never actually HAPPENS in his route. The main plot focuses mostly on the actual military strategy; it does not go into the character development he so deeply deserved. His support conversations with Byleth were intended to show this character development, but without actually showing how he got from Point A to Point B-- wary and mistrustful vs. learning to open up-- it rings hollow to me. It’s frustrating, because I do love Claude dearly (deer-ly, haha. . .). He deserved, quite frankly, so much better.

2.) Leonie

Leonie is very straightforward: what you see is really what you get. She’s a Commoner from a small village with big dreams of heoric mercenary life-- not all that dissimilar, really, from Ashe’s big dreams of heroic knighthood. She managed to drum up support (both emotional and financial) from her village and now feels obligated to do them all proud and pay them back for their support and kindness. While she can be a little single-minded at times about her adore for Jeralt (sometimes even lashing out in jealousy at Byleth), overall she’s a strong-willed, clever, and very determined young lady. I can’t help but love her. She also excels as a fantastic unit to use in-game, powerful, versitile, and getting so much done through pure grit, without any of the advantages or leg-ups that the Crest-bearing nobles are in posssession of.

3.) Ignatz

I do realize this is Sweet And Pure Archer Son Number Two on my list, but there’s no way he’s not going on the list. He’s just too wonderful. Look at my son!!! He loves his family dearly and puts aside his own dreams to honor their needs and wishes! But he also can never quite give up on his artistic dreams and his friends all gradually encourage him to have the confidance to pursue them! He is so polite and sweet and friendly and shy! He has adorable little daydreams about the Goddess and has a crush on Saint Cethleann! He has such a huge glow-up after the timeskip and turns into such a dependable, strong young man who fights for justice and always holds such tender compassion in his heart! He’s great. :)

Church of Seiros

1.) Seteth

I would be repeating myself if I wrote anything here expounding upon my love of Seteth, which is as wide and deep as the blue-green seas. So I will just link you to a previous post. That should explain exactly how my feelings evolved over time about Seteth. He was an absolute surprise and a joy to discover. I never expected to fall in love with him; when I first started playing I always expected that Claude would be the one to steal my heart, not this mysterious man. But life’s funny like that.

2.) Alois

This man is a giant freaking dork and a goober, and I feel a great deal of affection for him. He makes me feel happy and safe and he is a great adoptive brother/dad/uncle/whatever. Truly, the game and the church would feel much emptier with him not around (and much quieter, haha).

3.) Shamir

Shamir, when you first run into her, simply seems rude and cold. In fact, you will probably always have that impression of her, unless you read her support conversations. Once you access her supports, a whole new story is told. While she’s reserved and can be curt, she really does have a warmer side, growing to truly care for her allies. She’s deeply thoughtful and reflective, full of surprising insights. She’s also a remarkably talented mercenary and assasin, but while she insists she’s simply a sellsword, she does care about more then just the pay and survival.

#fire emblem #fe3h #mystuff

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orbvii · 6 years

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The Visit

Set during Emerald Secret, Nicole comes back to visit and faces an old friend.

Words: 3241

this took fucking ages and i think it’s pretty good?? thoughts????

for @mumblingforever

Airports were not Nicole’s most favorite place in the world. To be honest, they weren’t even in the top one-hundred. The smell, the pushy people, the surprising lack of human decency… Just on her way to her get her luggage from the baggage claim, she had witnessed two people fighting over the last scone at a bakery and a guy eating a hot dog with his feet. Maybe it was just this particular airport that was beyond weird.

It makes sense, considering where she was. A lot of weird stuff went down here, stuff she would rather not be involved with.

She shuddered slightly as she made her way with the crowds towards the baggage claim, her mind a swirl of emotions. Nicole had been gone for… was it five months? After the whole fiasco with Dante cheating on her at Love~Love Paradise, she just needed to get away for awhile. A vacation from her friends was just what she needed. As much as she loved Aphmau and the gang, they had way too many… ‘adventures’ then she liked.

As her mind wandered, a face popped into her head. Katelyn. Nicole had just left the resort without telling anyone, and to be honest, she knew that they didn’t really miss her all that much. She wouldn’t tell anyone, but she had secretly stalked all their social media since she left them, and they seemed to be getting on just fine. Even the girl she called her best friend, Katelyn seemed to be okay without her. She had a new best friend and stopped trying to contact Nicole after the first three weeks of her disappearance. Katelyn didn’t even bother to look for her.

It was a bad idea to come back.

Nicole was jolted out of her melancholy thoughts as her red suitcase appeared on the luggage claim. She quickly grabbed the handle and was out of that stuffy airport as fast as possible. She exited the airport… and emerged into the cold. Almost immediately, she began to shiver and her breath came out like smoke from her lungs. Wow… it was a lot colder then she had originally anticipated. Nicole crossed her arms over her chest in an attempt to trap her heat as huddled in waiting for the Uber she had arranged to pick her up.

She should probably call Katelyn, to tell her she was back in town. Even though she would rather do anything but contact her best friend, she knew it would be best. Maybe she could reconnect with her, and they could be friends again. If Katelyn would even put up with her after her sudden disappearance.

The bright screen of her phone glared up at her as she stared down at Katelyn’s number in her phone. Katelyn’s picture was a selfie the two of them had taken together just days before she found out about Dante’s infidelity. The blue-haired girl smiled up at the camera with her pristine white teeth, her blueberry eyes shining with happiness. Nicole was just as cheerful, though she didn’t reciprocate those feelings now. All she felt was sorrow.

In a split second, she had clicked the call button and held the device up to her ear. Oh Irene, what was she going to say?! Nicole listened in suspense as the phone rang once, twice, three times… and a voicemail. Thank Irene…

Katelyn’s soothing voice hit Nicole in a crash of longing. She had forgotten how much she truly missed her best friend. When the recording ended and the beep sounded, Nicole took a deep breath and began her message. “Hey Katelyn… it’s Nicole. I’m back in town and I… Well, I was wondering if you wanted to grab a coffee or something? I just… really need to talk to you. And to apologize. I kinda want to do it in person. Phone calls are awkward… Contact me. Please.”

Her finger pressed the ‘end call’ button and she let out a sigh of relief. Maybe Katelyn was busy and wouldn’t hear her message for a while? Surprisingly, Katelyn almost immediately sent a text back, as if the blue haired female just wasn’t prepared to speak. Hey, sorry for missing your call, maybe we could meet up at our favorite coffee house in 20 mins? The one on Chestnut? I have to talk to you too. Then, almost twenty seconds later, I missed you.

A warm, happy feeling flushed through Nicole’s body as she replied in the affirmative, all remnants of the cold weather momentarily forgotten. Katelyn wasn’t angry with her! And she even missed her! Just then, the Uber pulled up. She took a deep, nervous breath as she got into the vehicle. She was going to see Katelyn again.

Nicole didn’t have enough time to drop her luggage off at the hotel, but she was traveling relatively light and didn’t mind carrying it with her to the coffee shop. She was honestly hoping Katelyn would let Nicole stay at her house, but it all rested on how well this meeting between the pair went.

She took a few minutes to compose herself inside the back of her second Uber for the day. All they were going to do is talk. That’s all she had to do. Nicole stepped out of the car into the frigid air and grabbed her suitcase, wheeling it behind her as she walked towards the entryway of the coffee house. Oh Irene, she had to calm her nerves if she wished to somehow old a normal conversation with her old best friend or this was going to end badly

Nicole pushed open the door and was immediately greeted by a wave of heat combined with the thick smell of coffee. She missed this place. A man in a red flannel with hipster glasses and a hipster beard sat on stage in the corner, playing an acoustic guitar, and almost all the tables were packed with hipster kids willing to pay way too much for a simple coffee. She took a deep breath of the coffee-thick air as her grey eyes wandered the cafe.

She pretended to look for Katelyn, but she knew exactly where the other girl was going to be sitting: their chairs. Along the far wall was a long window with a dozen or so loveseats scattered underneath it. Whenever the pair came to the cafe, they always sat in the pair of silver plush chairs in the corner around a small black coffee table. She hadn’t been there in months.

Her face flushed as she noticed a blue haired girl with her legs curled up underneath her and her face buried in her phone. Katelyn. Nicole’s heartbeat quickened along with her pace as she drew closer to her friend. Katelyn’s turquoise eyes rose to meet Nicole’s as she turned her phone off with a click. Katelyn wore a simple blue and white striped sweater over black leggings and brown combat boots. She stood and straightened out her sweater as her arms opened for a hug.

“Oh, Nicole! I missed you so much!” Katelyn said with a smile as bright as the sun spread across her pale face. Nicole swiftly buried herself into the blue-haired girl’s arms, her own smile on her face. Was that… perfume Nicole smelled? It was fresh like roses and sunflowers and violets all wrapped into one perfect scent. She wanted to remain in Katelyn’s arms for hours, but when she felt the other girl pull away, she did the same.

Nicole plopped into the open chair next to Katelyn and studied the other girl. She was as gorgeous as always, but it seemed that her hair had lightened a few shades. Did she dye it again? Whatever she did, it looked amazing.

“Katelyn you look… fantastic! Clearly, these past few months have been well for you! I guess my presence wasn’t missed too much,” she said, attempting to make a joke. It obviously wasn’t very funny, since all Katelyn did was grimace slightly.

The blue-haired girl didn’t really know how to respond it seemed since all she did was open and close her mouth a few times. After a few awkward seconds, she gestured down to the two drinks on the table that Nicole hadn’t noticed before. “I, um, bought you a drink. Dark chocolate mocha with cinnamon and extra whipped cream. Your favorite cold weather drink.”

A slow smile spread across Nicole’s face. “And I assume you drink a plain black coffee with an ungodly amount of artery-clogging sugar, yes?” The two girls shared a laugh as they sipped their preferred beverages, reminiscing on times passed. The silence became awkward again as neither girl knew where to begin their conversation again.

Nicole decided to break the silence first. “I’m sorry I left. After everything that happened with Dante, I…” She shook her head to clear the confusion from it. “I just needed a little alone time, away from everyone. I love ‘em but you know how they can be.”

Katelyn looked away as her grip tightened on her cup. The old Katelyn would have blown up at Nicole, would have started shouting and throwing a fit. But this Katelyn just took a calming deep breath before turning back to her old best friend. “I know you needed some alone time, but you could have come to me abo-”

“It wasn’t that simple,” she interrupted, her fist clenching. “I was just so caught up with everyone else's problems I began to feel like a side character in my own life!”

Katelyn let out another breath, her glare softening slightly. “I know the feeling. Sometimes I feel like the world revolves around Aphmau and Aaron like everyone else is just living in the background.” She smiled slightly. “I think I’d like to be my own main character for once.”

Nicole nodded in agreement and chuckled quietly, taking another sip of her mocha.

“So where have you been? You’ve been gone for months and you come back so tan and beautiful,” Katelyn muttered into her coffee, almost as if she couldn’t bare to look Nicole in the eyes. Even though she didn’t say it, Nicole knew that Katelyn was sorry for not trying to contact her after her disappearance.

Nicole decided to accept that apology. “Well, I traveled around a lot, mainly in South America. I spent a lot of time in Cuba, Peru, Venezuela, the Caribbean… but I spent most of my time away in Brazil. It’s so beautiful there, and I’ve been working on my Portuguese, but I’m not that good. Fortunately, I met this really nice girl there who helps translate for me. I already speak Spanish so it wasn’t too hard to get along everywhere else…” She shrugged slightly before an idea popped into her head. “Oh! I have pictures!”

Nicole pulled her phone out of her pocket and opened her camera roll. “Here,” she said as she handed the silver phone to her friend as if no time had passed between them. It was like they were in high school again, fawning over boys and gossiping together.

A sly smile appeared on Katelyn’s face as she began to tease Nicole. “Oooo, your vacation pics? Are you sure I won’t see anything I might regret?” They giggled playfully as Katelyn began to scroll through the numerous photos, making an offhand comment here or there. And then she found that photo.

It wasn’t anything too bad, but it was a selfie of Nicole locking lips with a pretty dark haired girl with soft brown eyes. That was something Nicole had never told Katelyn: that she was bisexual. Katelyn had frequently talked about both the boys AND girls she liked, but Nicole had never found the right time to mention it. Well, today was a good a day of anything.

“Katelyn, I guess I forgot to tell you, but… I’m bi. Yay…” She said with a nervous smile, doing awkward jazz hands.

Katelyn began to laugh as she gave the phone back to Nicole. “Nicole… I kinda already knew. You should see the look in your eye whenever you look at the women in the magazines. You get all flowery and blushy whenever you even see a cute girl!”

It took every fiber of her being for Nicole to resist saying ‘like you’.

The blue-haired girl finished the rest of her drink and set it back on the coffee table before letting out a sigh. “Oh Irene, it really got hot in here, didn’t it?” She fanned herself with her hand before taking off her sweater.

As the soft fabric was pulled over her head revealing her plain white long sleeve shirt, Nicole got a glimpse of Katelyn’s stomach. No, it wasn’t her stomach: Katelyn was full on RIPPED.

Heat rushed to Nicole’s face as she hid behind her mocha cup, attempting to block Katelyn from seeing her reaction. This wasn’t the first time Nicole had seen Katelyn’s abs, but for some reason, this time felt… different, to say the least. There was a slight tension between the two, one that had been there since Nicole had walked in.

Katelyn either didn’t notice it or chose not to say anything, since she just continued on like normal as she pulled her shirt down. “So, anything happen with that hottie on your phone?”

Nicole sighed quietly at the distraction. “Oh, it was just a week-long fling, to be honest. I don’t know why I even still have the photo. She wasn’t what I was looking for in a woman. She wasn’t-” you. She barely managed to cut herself off before she could say the word.

Unfortunately, it appeared Katelyn caught the intention because she shifted in her seat, whether from uncomfortableness or intrigue Nicole had no idea. She closed her mouth quickly, realizing that if she spoke again she would say something even more incriminating. It seemed as though Katelyn had the same idea because she didn’t bother to speak either.

After almost a full minute of both of them looking in any direction but at each other, Nicole decided that maybe she should say something, at least to break the silence. But as she opened her mouth, more than what she originally planned to say came pouring out.

“Katie… I’m sorry for leaving. I know I explained it before but I just, well, I needed a break and I came back to say how much I missed you. Ever since I left I felt… incomplete, you know? But now that I’m here, I don’t think I can leave again, at least not without you. You just make everything feel better and the world seems brighter.”

At this, Katelyn seemed a bit stunned, as though she wasn’t prepared for Nicole’s confession. To be completely honest, Nicole wasn’t prepared for it either. She just felt as though she had to say it, as though she couldn’t stand to keep her feelings inside. She had already dug her grave, so she might as well continue.

“Ever since we first became friends, I had always felt kinda strange towards you, but now I finally realize what those feelings were; no, are. Katelyn, I really like you. I like you as more than just friends and oh Irene, I feel like a schoolgirl confessing her feelings.” Nicole let out a nervous laugh, running a hand through her hair.

The man who had been playing the guitar finished his final song, and a small round of applause filled the air of the coffee shop, though the girls’ eyes were glued to each other. It seemed as though he was the only live music for that evening since low music began to play from the speakers above their heads. It was like elevator music but more hipster, if that even existed.

After a few moments, Katelyn opened her mouth slowly and began to respond, thinking over her response before not bothering to reply eloquently and just get to the point. “Nicole, can I kiss you right now? Because I just really want to kiss you right now.”

An uncontrollable smile bloomed on her face as she began to nod her head furiously in the affirmative. She had been waiting for this, longer than she even consciously knew.

The two girls leaned across the armrests of their respective chairs and met in the middle, their lips colliding gently. This may seem a bit cliche, but to Nicole, the whole world began to fade away until it was just the two of them. At first, the kiss was slow and soft as both girls began to explore the feelings between the two of them. Katelyn’s angel-soft lips tasted like a thick blend of dark coffee and sugar along with a small hint of… peppermint? It seems as though Katelyn still wore the same chapstick.

Their kiss deepened as Katelyn brought her hand up to cup Nicole’s cheek, pulling her closer. Nicole’s breath became heavy as she realized her hunger for Katelyn. She wrapped her arm around the blue-haired girl's waist and pulled her body as close as possible as her other hand tangled itself in her hair. She needed this. No, they both did. Katelyn was just as hungry and desperate as Nicole was.

By some mythical power from Irene above, the two managed to unwind their bodies from each other, and Nicole was immediately slammed with an intense feeling of lost once more. From the look in Katelyn’s eyes, she had the same feeling.

Silence fell upon the pair once more, but this time the silence was welcomed. Nicole’s eyes flicked around the cafe, suddenly embarrassed by her outburst of emotion. It appeared as though no one even noticed their intense feelings, and the world outside of them continued as normal, even though nothing between them would ever be normal again.

Katelyn spoke first as she attempted to straighten out her hair. “Wow… You’re a good kisser. Why haven’t we done this before?!” The two began to laugh again, but this time their laughter was wilder and freer, the tension between them evaporating.

An idea popped into Nicole’s head. “Run away with me. We can leave everyone behind and escape back to the villa I’m staying in Brazil. It can be just the two of us forever.” The idea was beyond insane, but from the smile on Katelyn’s face, she was considering it.

But then the smile dropped slightly as reality set it. “You know I would love to do nothing more than leave with you, I have friends here. We have friends here. Everyone has missed you. Even though it seems like we didn’t, we did. I know I did.” She reached forward and intertwined their fingers, an almost sad smile appearing on her face, a stark contrast to the pure bliss seen earlier.

“Maybe I could stay a little while longer then I had planned. Is there any room in your house for me? I heard you moved.”

Katelyn let out a snort of laughter, leaning forward to press their foreheads together. “No one would mind you being around. Plus, it’s only KC and me in the house now, and she is going to die when she finds out about… this.” She pressed their lips together once more. Well, not once more. It was honestly more like six. “But we should be fine.”

Maybe coming back wasn’t that bad of an idea after all.

#aphmau #aphmau fandom #aphmau fics #aphmau ships #aphmau writing #nicole x katelyn #katecole #nicolyn #katecole aphmau #nicolyn aphmau #aphmau nicole #aphmau katelyn #katelyn #katelyn firefist #nicole #nicole von ronsenburg #aphmau mystreet #lula’s writing

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ready8210 · 5 years

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Let me in your heart again

3. Something’s missing

Vivian

Los Angeles / United States - Airport

The last view hours of our flight went by unspectacular. After my little comedic interlude earlier today, I preferred to maintain a low profile for the rest of the journey and stay on the sideline.

After almost 12 hours, filled with watching movies, listening music, editing photos and conversations with Roger, we arrived at our destination - sunny Los Angeles.

Roger, the little nosy scallywag he is, didn't insist to switch seats with Phoebe, to, as he called it, sweeten his day with me.

At least time flew and I learned something about the excessive life of a famous Rock band, as he amused me with stories about groupies and parties.

Whereas Freddie fell back into old patterns. After miming the nice guy for exactly two minutes, he was very busy to give me hell, with nasty remarks and potshots, for the remaining 718 minutes of the flight. Asshole!!

„We're standing here for about 30 minutes now, I think you should go meet the guys and head to the house." I say to him, as I dandle from one feed to another, with increasing worry. We were standing at the baggage claim, for what felt like ages, to wait for one of my suitcases to arrive. Unfortunately for the one, containing half of my photo equipment and to make it even worse, when I say photo equipment, I mean my sanctuaries.

After a horrible flight, the nightmare continues. A photographer without his camera, a really great start for my new job. Since meeting this Freddie guy, misfortune haunts me.

Phoebe, who wanted to help me with carrying my numerous suitcases and bags, tries to calm me in his soft soothing voice. "I'm sure your luggage will be here soon. We wait another 5 minutes."

"The others must be really pissed off already. You should go Phoebe. I can handle this on my own. I'll get me a taxi later." I try to refuse his offer. I don't even want to think about the impact, this delay will have on Freddie's state of mind. He hates me already, I don't want to aggravate the situation even more.

Phoebe notices my nervousness and starts to rub my back. "Don't be silly. I'll stay here with you. Don't puzzle your head about it. They can wait a little longer."

"Is everybody in Garden Lodge that stubborn?" A grin forms on my lips and I almost forget about my sorrows for a minute.

"You cheeky devil you." Phoebe smirks and pushes my shoulder.

"I just don't want to incur „the prince of darkness' wrath." I can't suppress a eye rolling, when suddenly Phoebe's cellphone starts to ring. I augur ill as I try to construe his mien.

"Freddie hi......

Wait, wait, wait.....Just give us another 10 minu.....

No, her bag is missing....no with the equipment.....

It's just 10 minutes Freddie....fine, see you in a view." he rashly ends the call, while screwing up his face.

"He already is furious, isn't he?"

I'm honest. I could cry right now.

Phoebe lets out a long haggard sigh „I'm afraid he is."

Facing the floor, I numbly shake my head. "Great. He'll give me hell. We've waited long enough now, I should speak to the airline staff." I declare, while starting to walk away.

"Ok, lets go. Let me take this" he affirms with a smooth smile, as he grabs one of my suitcases and we make our way.

* * * *

„Look who finally arrived. You better have a good excuse. We're cooling our heals for an hour now." A furious Freddie impatiently tabs his feet with crossed arms. His narrowed eyes burning holes into mine.

A weak and almost invisible „Sorry." comes over my lips, as I shamble towards the waiting group, standing in front of the parking van, that would bring us to our final destinations.

"If this is your excuse, you've failed miserably." he hisses, his expression turning even darker, so his eyes look almost black.

"Let's just go." I mumble absently, seeing Roger stepping in front of me, looking at Freddie grim-faced, laying his hands on my shoulders and searching for eye contact, with a worried look on his face.

I have to smile at him shyly, as I feel tears filling my eyes.

That's just wonderful. Don't start to cry in front of Mr Rock God. You have to be strong now.

"What's wrong Viv?" Roger whispers in concern, now patting my shoulder.

"Nothing that a rooftop and an AK-47 won't take care of." I quip.

Freddie slightly starts to chuckle at my reply. Maybe seeing me dead would lighten his mood.

Roger smiles weakly, as the others start to get into the van. „You have your luggage?"

"No, it's lost." I tell him concerned, fumbling in my bag.

"They send it somewhere else?" he asks, as he steps back a little.

Putting out my cigarettes, I face him again. „No, they don't know where it is." I stop him with a wave of my hands.

Yes, I put out my cigarettes. I really don't care if I smell like an ashtray anymore. Mr Mercury hates me anyway and maybe the smell will keep Casanova aka Roger away.

"I'm sure you'll get it back soon." he tries to convince me rather badly, stepping besides me, to lay his arm around my shoulder and rub my arm. Roger seems to be out of words for the first time in history.

Putting the cigarette in my mouth and lighting it, I just let out a weary hum, before taking the first puff.

We just stand their silently for a view minutes, as I hold the cigarette in front of Roger, to break the awkward silence.

"Thanks" he chirps with a wink and takes a puff.

"If looks could kill....we better get in." I mumble, as I notice Freddie shooting me a vicious glare, while stepping into the car with a face like thunder.

The fact, that I only have to survive one last car ride with him today, gives me new confidence. I can manage one ridiculous drive, all I have to do is stay silent and not be provoked by my new pal. Honestly, how hard can it be?

"Congratulations everybody, our personal standup comedian has finally made it into the car." I hear a posh British voice sarcastically addressing me, as I enter the van.

So much for it, my good intentions are already thrown overboard. If he wants war, he can have war!

"I'm pleased you enjoyed my little performance. Considering your omnipresent depressed look, I thought you could need something to raise your spirits." I hit back with a annoyed look, while seating myself between Phoebe and Roger, at the rear seat bench.

Blessedly there was some safe distance between Freddie and me, since Roger performed as a "Buffer", sitting between the two of us.

"You have to remember who you're talking to." Paul, sitting right in front of me, hisses, while turning around to face me.

"Paul, do what you do best and suck up to Freddie." I rumble, rolling my eyes.

Oops, did I really just say that?

In the corner of my eye, I can see Freddie leaning forward and looking at me. As I face him with raised brows, he shoots me a baffled look. Paul already turned around again, grumbling something with gritted teeth.

I'm afraid I may loose my job by the end of the day, but I really don't care. I've reached a point where - to cite Mr Freddie Mercury - nothing really matters to me. The point of no return so to say.

"For fuck sake kids, stop the bickering, we haven't even left the airport." an unnerved Brian exclaims livid, which causes Freddie and me to sit back in our seats and look at him in surprise.

I couldn't imagine Brian ever being so enraged.

For whatever reason, Freddie couldn't care less about Brian's advice and continues to squabble. „Oh, fu** off Brian. The only one acting like a child is her." He spits out, leaning forward again, to await my reaction.

"Says the man, who needs FIVE people to use the restroom." I snarl, looking in the opposite direction. With no sound coming from Freddie, I turn to face him, with the most devastating look I can manage.

"I mean, I do get why you take Paul there, he sticks in your ass anyway...but..."

"You little...." Freddie stifles, desperately searching for some clever words to end his sentence, while Roger has a hard time to suppress his laughter.

"Ouch...!" Roger whines, after Freddie forcefully hits him on the back of his head.

"Yes Freddie? ....Just get it off your chest. I dare him with a confident and defiant smile. My brows raised in anticipation.

Speechless Freddie gasps on his seat, his head turning red in rage, while his mouth twitches uncontrollably, by his hopeless situation.

„You little .... b-brat." he finally stammers, visibly dissatisfied with his shiftless remark. Trying to escape the awkwardness, he quickly leans back in his seat and turns away, to look out of the window.

"That's it? I think I can live with that." I giggle, a pleased smile forms my lips, as I lean back to face Phoebe. "You'll get along well, he?" I jibe. Phoebe just looks at me helplessly, shrugging his shoulders and trying to avoid my gaze.

Roger, still giggling, turns to Freddie. „Wow, that wasn't your best Fredster." he snickers, with a shake of his head.

"Oh fu** off Roger. You just being nice, cause you want to shag her." Freddie snaps, so everybody in and surely a view people outside of the car can hear him. I facepalm at his last comment, to elude Rogers gaze, who now sheepishly smiles at me.

"Is somebody jealous?", he teases Freddie, which results in another slap on his head.

Rubbing it, he lets out a murmur. "I don't hook up with mari...."

„Ouch!!" I elbow him, my eyes widened in panic, as I shoot him a reproachful look. After a view seconds, he lets out a plain "Oh", while shrugging apologetically. At least the penny's dropped.

Poor Roger, playing the buffer must be painful.

"Ok, ok, ok, everybody just calm down." a soft voice from the front of the car reaches out to us. Good old, placid John tries to sooth us with his smooth, serene tone.

The attempt unfortunately fails, as Roger decides, to teas Freddie a little more.

„I think someone has finally met his equal." he sarcastically quips to Freddie, who shoots him a death glare in response.

Considering this last ‚conversation', I really think, we all just went back to preschool.

Trying to relieve some of this gruelling tension, swirling around in the van, I start to make conversation to Roger.

"Will we get to the villa, or drop me off at my hotel first?" I ask casually, fumbling in my bag, searching for my cellphone.

Mr Beach informed me, that I would stay at a hotel, whereas the boys, Paul and Phoebe would be lodged in a villa in the Hollywood hills.

After the cheerful atmosphere between Freddie and me, I was more then grateful.

"Oh, now that you mention it." A now uncertain Roger starts to tell me. "You will be staying with us." He continues, backing up a little and turning his face away slightly, as being afraid, I could hit him due to his disclosure.

"Why the hell is this the current state of play? Who decided this, without even asking me?" I harshly whisper a tad to loud at him, before cussing him with some German swear words (something like ‚Trottel', ‚Idiot', ‚Depp', ‚Scheiße' and ‚Arsch', just to mention a view), my face turning deep red in frustration.

Roger stares at me in disbelief and try's to find the best way, to break it gently.

"Weee........I.IIII" he stutters. "I thought it would be a good idea. The house is sooo big and we get along so we" he tries to sugarcoat our gridlock, as I interrupt him with wrath in my voice.

"Are you suffering from amnesia or something? Did Freddie slap you to hard? You've noticed he devoted his life to hate me?!?!" I get carried away by my overwhelming frustration, before staring into my lap and deciding to ignore just everybody in this fucking car.

Keeping your mouth closed may be a good idea Vivian. I really don't want to spoil things with Roger too.

"Somebody has found a new victim.", an amused Freddie giggles next to Roger, looking at him with a grin from ear to ear. "So much for getting laid." He bursts out laughing, looking out of the window again, while Roger starts to tap my arm, to make me look at him.

I refuse to give in and fumble for my headphones.

Only music can make things right at this point.

With the shuffle mode set, I hit play, while closing my eyes and sinking into my seat.

‚This thing called love, I just can't handle it' It echoes in my ears. „This can't be true" I sigh, as my eyes spring open again. Mr Mercury is everywhere, even in my shitty phone.

‚This thing called love, I must get rou......' I tap wildly on my phone, to successfully stop the mocking sound of him.

‚Tonight, I'm gonna have myself a real good time' , Freddie's voice reaches my ears again.

What the hell is going on here? Please lord, show mercy, I face the roof, sending prayers up, while tabbing my phone like a maniac, without any success, to stop his breathtaking voice. Did I just say that? It happens again. The devil enchanted me.

‚I feel alive and the world I'll turn it inside out, yeah', I let out a long miserable sigh, as I start to beat the phone against my leg, which results in my seat-mates staring at me in confusion.

‚And floating around in ecstasy', he still chirps in my ear, as I give up for a second, to reconsider my next step.

‚So don't stop me now don't stop me', „What the hell is wrong with this fucking phone...Oh noooo, I will stop you now, Mr fuc*** Mercury." I finally make the music stop. "Finally" I sigh satisfied, as I realize everybody is staring at me, waiting for an explanation for my questionable behavior. I freeze by Freddie's words, as I feel uncertainty growing in me.

"I'm pleased I'm such a big deal for you." Mr Mercury hums brazenly, twinkling at me, with a big smug grin, plastered on his face. A face I want to slap right now.

Deciding to just ignore him, I put away my useless, sneaky phone.

Freddie, being disappointed by my refusal, now is incited to start teasing.

"You've lost your camera?" He eagerly chirps.

„Brilliant deduction Watson, you catch on fast, really impressive." I mumble in boredom, not even looking at him.

„Than I have a suggestion for you. Without a camera and the fact you don't want to stay with us, I think it's best for you, to book the next flight back to London. I mean, you are more than useless at the moment." He submits buoyant, looking at me challenging, with his sparkling eyes.

„Fortunately I was smart enough to bring a second and a third camera with me." I retort, while putting on the most plastic smile possible.

Freddie's mood now darkens, as he realizes, I won't be intimidated by his words.

"It would be smart to search for a REAL job now." He spits tamely, looking at me, as if regretting, to not come up with something better.

I smile at him cheekily. "Considering what I will get paid here, I don't have to worry about a "real" job......FOR YEARS." I stifle the conversation.

This answer marks the turning point for him. He lets out a deep growl, pushes his now clenched fist to his knee, before pattering something for the next 5 minutes.

At this point I wish I could just keep my mouth shut for one minute. I still have no clue what is going on here. Usual Vivian already would've been crying several times throughout the day and surely wouldn't have the strength and courage to raise her voice, like I did over and over again.

It's death proof. I will experience hell for the next two years.

Roger brings me back to messy reality. "2:0 for Viv." He giggles towards Freddie.

I give him a slight push again, to make him stop, making things even worse.

„Roger, don't always meddle in my business.", Freddie spits at him, his narrowed eyes fixed on me.

Roger decides to ignore my objections and cheerfully babbles away. "Someone has to and make you stop, you're acting ridiculous."

I take Freddie as an example and sink into my seat again, trying to cut off from the outside world and maintain silent for the rest of the drive.

The other co-drivers follow our lead and drowse after this exhausting flight.

Not a sound is to be heard, as we're getting closer to our destinations.

I am almost asleep, as the van suddenly hits a monstrous pothole. It must have been huge, cause everybody bounced up from their seats.

„Vivian darling, fasten your seatbelt, we are excepting further turbulences. And don't forget to breathe." Freddie suddenly giggles out in his smug, disdainful tone.

„Freddie, do you never get tired?" an annoyed Brian asks him, glancing at him, while I roll my eyes and let out a bugged sigh.

„I hear an annoying, monotonous drowning in my left ear all the time.", I say playfully, while rubbing my ear. "Anybody else here, with the same problem?", I go further, looking around.

Freddie blankly shakes his head and finally keeps silent and stops his taunting for the rest of the drive.

* * * *

The enjoyable and long-yearned-for peaceful silence unfortunately is interrupted, as Roger suddenly speaks up. „Ehm Fred, there's a big fat spider hanging in front of you.", he taps Freddie on the arm, trying to get his attention. Freddie was fallen asleep 30 minutes ago and is now looking around in confusion, almost unable to open his eyes.

„What?", he mumbles sleepy, while stretching out in his seat and trying to find a comfy position.

„There's a big fat spider hanging in front of you.", Roger declares again, pointing at the ugly black monstrosity, hanging right in front of Freddie's nose.

Looking at it with panic filled, widened eyes, vigorously pressing his back into his seat and waving around with his arms and hands, as if to fend a swarm of killer bees, Freddie lets out a high pitched scream. One that sounds, as if somebody just kicked him in his balls. Or more suitable for a Freddie Mercury, his Crown Jewels.

I'm unable to laugh about it, beeing to busy to look panicked and move myself away from the place of action, closer and closer to Phoebe. So close, I almost sit on his lap.

„Jesus Christ Freddie, it's just a spider." , an annoyed Roger exclaims, raising his brows in incomprehension.

„Keep it away, keep it away.....just kill it. Just be useful for only one time and kill this fuc*** thing.", a tensed Freddie presses out, his voice slightly cracks at his last words.

Roger grabs the spider and moves to face me, coming closer....a bit too close. "You wanna take a look?" He smiles at me, before noticing my scared state.

I shake my head like crazy, moving back even more, as I try to breath evenly. "Oh god, are you mad? Just stay away, or you and your hairy friend will not survive this journey.", I hiss at him.

„Oh god, relax. It's a fucking spider, guys." Roger looks back and fourth between the two of us, with pure incomprehension.

Freddie finds his voice again by Rogers words. "It's a disgusting hairy monster.", he hisses at Roger, his face distorted with fear and disgust.

I only can nod at Freddie's last statement. "Everything with more than 4 legs is the enemy. Please just kill it." I plead Roger, my hands clenched in the seat.

You've already heard about my multiple anxieties.....you just discovered a new one.

Those little many-legged creatures scare me to death.

„With my hands?", Roger asks irritated....shooting me a questioning glance.

I can't handle it anymore at this point. Either the spider has to leave this car, or it's me. I will jump right out of the window, if necessary. "Just kill it Roger!!!! Please just get it out of here. I don't care what you do with it, as long as it is out of this car in less than 10 seconds.", I exclaim, fumbling in my bag and putting out a tissue.

"Here....", I say, handing it to Roger.

Roger, being extremely dull at this moment, looks at me disbelievingly. You can see the question marks popping out of his head. "What is this for?" He asks baffled.

„Put it in there and squash it!", I tell him quickly, trying to imitate the 'process of squashing a spider' with my hands.

Roger looks away at his hands, shaking his head with an eye roll. "You two are such babies. At least you've got something in common.", he determines. "Who would have thought that?!"

„Oh yes Roger. It's just wonderful. Now we can discuss our arachnophobia over a cup of tea.", I scoff sarcastically, almost relaxing a bit in my seat.

Freddie's chuckle makes way for his frightened face, as Roger kills the spider with a loud crack, which lets Freddie and me groan in disgust. "Is everybody happy now?"

A satisfied sighing Freddie relaxes in his seat and turns to face the window, as his cheeks start to glow.

I have to screw up my face by the cracking sound. „I think I have to vomit...and it's not because Paul is here.", it rashly escapes my lips, which results in giggles from Freddie, Phoebe and Roger and, of course, a scornful gaze from Paul.

Did Mr Mercury just giggle? I can see a bright future for the both of us.

Chapter 4 coming soon....

Also published on wattpad:

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itsnotdavid-blog · 7 years

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THE SIXTY-FIVE PESO DREAM

Nothing feels right anymore. It didn’t take long at all. It’s a shame that things don’t always go as planned. These past few months have been hectic, to say the least, and I’m not quite sure if I’ll be able to keep going on like this. It’s not that I’m depressed or upset or anything. In fact, I haven’t felt this accomplished in a very long time, but every now and then I get these lingering moments of crippling-self doubt; that I’m not the person I insist I am. That I’m not qualified for the roles that I play. That deep down inside, I’m not that good a person and that everything I do seems to be the result of not wanting to disappoint anybody rather than doing it out of the kindness in my heart. I’m out of my element. I’ve been out of my element this whole time.

Waking up every morning has become taxing. I don’t want to leave my room. I don’t want to go outside and talk to people. I just want to stay in my bed, wrap myself up in my blanket and turn into a lovely Filipino burrito... but at the same time, I know better than that. There’s no denying that I’m actually a far happier person when I surround myself in the company of my friends and honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. They make me feel whole. It’s just that the second I find myself walking back home after a long day of classes, org-work and needless socializing, it’s all tits up. It doesn’t matter if you do everything right because the real world doesn’t actually care about you or your angst. Ultimately, your problems will always be your own and there isn’t anything you can do about it. If you tell your friends, they’ll get on your case and pamper you by asking what’s up? but the real problem is, you’re not really sure what’s up yourself. I wish I was smarter. I wish I was more self-aware. It’s funny how in high school I used to think I was invincible simply because I thought I’d managed to figure myself out, yet the only lesson college’s managed to drill into me these past thirteen months is that I didn’t know myself at all. Of course, I’m grateful for all the people I’ve met and all the things that I’ve managed to do despite my glaring inexperience because this is what’s made my stay here in the Philippines bearable.

That, and the cigarettes of course. Sixty-five pesos a pack, once a month, down from once a week, down from once a day. It’s the closest I’ll get to quitting. There’s a strange satisfaction that comes from smoking, but I won’t encourage it. I’m simply not strong enough to drown out the sheer noise coming from my hurricane brain, but the smokes provide comfort.

Vices or not, it doesn’t change the fact that at the end of it all, it’s just me. I’m just me. I’ve gotten so good at lying to everyone about being comfortable in my own skin that for a very brief moment of time, I believed it myself. For a time, everything felt right in the world. I’d managed to repress all my doubts and insecurities by simply going with the flow, living life on auto-pilot and going wherever it takes me without so much as a second thought. It was perfect, really.

But that was then, and this is now. A part of growing up is realizing that the bright, big world isn’t all peaches and gravy. The universe is as cruel as it is uncaring, and it won’t stop and wait for you to deal with all your problems. It won’t give you the luxury of the time you need to gather your thoughts and weigh your options. The universe simply isn’t here for you. For a lot of people, it’s just you, and you alone... but if you’re lucky, you’ve got your friends to lighten the load. Just don’t count on it. We’ve all got our own lives to live, and that means baggage. Suffering’s a universal thing, you see; it’s the one thing everyone’s got in common, and because of that, it’s the one thing we can’t really help each other with. Not truly, at least. All a friend and an ally can do is lend a helping hand, showing you the way to the door to self-satisfaction but ultimately, the only one who can open that door is you.

It’s just you.

Words of encouragement and cheery smiles from your mates can only get you so far. If you want your happiness, you’ve got to take it for yourself. Carpe diem, and all that. Seize the day before you find yourself growing old and bitter, living a life governed by jealousy over the blissfully ignorant youth. A lot of people find relief by spending time with their friends and family, enjoying what little time we’ve got left on this miserable little space-rock and making the most out of things. Others rant and cry and drag others down to their level because there’s something satisfying about knowing they’re not the only ones living terrible lives. As for me, I find relief in the form of writing. That basically means I like to complain for a solid half-hour before going about my day again. So here I am, living the sixty-five peso dream, standing under a bridge with a cigarette in my mouth and a raincloud where my brain should be, typing away on a dying phone while the whole world just carries on.

Life is good, but fuck it.

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phynxrizng · 7 years

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Giving our moon what it needs makes life all the more manageable, enjoyable and meaningful.

In this course you’ll learn:

The significance of the sign your moon is in The importance of the house your moon is in The meaning of any aspects from other planets to your moon The area of your life that is ruled by the moon The significance of the phase of the moon that you were born under The importance of following the phase of your progressed moon How to make an altar for the moon Healing rituals and guided meditations to help embody the moon in your chart

Please have your time of birth ready for this course. If you do not know your time of birth and you want to take this course, please note that while you will still learn a lot about yourself, you will not be able to personally put to use all of the information made available. Feel free to email us if you have questions regarding this.

This course will be taught in a series of videos that will be delivered to you via a Dropbox link. You will not need Dropbox to take part in the course but you will need access to the internet to download the videos from Dropbox. Printable slides will also be provided with each lesson.

The first instalment of this course will be delivered to you within 2 hours of your purchase. If ordering after 8pm PST or on the weekend, please allow at least 12 hours for delivery. A link to new recordings will be emailed to you every Monday thereafter for a total of 6 weeks.

IF THIS IS A GIFT FOR SOMEONE ELSE, please email [email protected] and let us know the gift recipient’s (1) name and (2) email address. We will send the course directly to them.

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Lunar Eclipse Horoscopes for the Week of August 7th

Collage by Chani

#AstroProTips

Monday, August 7th

11:11 AM PT – Lunar eclipse at 15° of Aquarius

Thursday, August 10th

Mercury in Virgo sextile Venus in Cancer, both at 11°

Sun in Leo sextile Jupiter in Libra, both at 18°

Friday, August 11th

Venus in Cancer trine Neptune in Pisces, both at 13°

Saturday, August 12th

Mercury stations retrograde at 11° of Virgo

Sunday, August 13th

Sun in Leo trine Saturn in Sagittarius, both at 21°

Monday’s lunar eclipse sheds light on what lives in the shadows. The excess baggage we carry around. The invisible weight of what brings us down. The things that we know we need to put down, but are afraid to.

Monday’s lunar eclipse unpacks what has been bundled up inside of us. The emotions underneath the behavior. The fear underneath the anger. The issues in our lives that act like energetic vampires.

Monday’s lunar eclipse is here to help us empty out. To release the clutter. To be reflective. To remember that we need to clear our space in order for future spells to be effective.

Try not to rush to replace what is leaving. Try not to jump to conclusions about what to do with the new room. Try not to assume too much just because being in the unknown is uncomfortable.

Eclipse season is a time of transition. A time when our issues rise to the surface with great speed. The energy in certain areas of our life is increased. Sped up. Those of us who were born during eclipses will notice their impact more specifically. Those of us with planets or points close to 15° of Aquarius will feel this more intensely. The rest of us will notice the effects to varying degrees.

How we deal with what occurs during eclipse season effects our lives for years to come, making this a good time to incredibly mindful of where we are placing ourselves and what we are doing with the lessons that we are learning. This is the first of two eclipses. The second will be a total solar eclipse in Leo on August 21st at 28° of Leo, which looks to be one that will ignite much both personally and collectively.

Towards the end of the week, on Saturday, while the effects of the eclipse are still lingering, Mercury stations retrograde. This too will be coloring the week. With some confusion. With some reason for caution. With some opportunities to edit our messages.

Mercury in Virgo is strong, making this retrograde one that will focus on what gets in the way of our ability to be effective, skillful, and precise. Mercury will end up retrograding all the way back to 28° of Leo come September. The same degree that the total solar eclipse on August 21st is occurring on. This Mercury retrograde cycle ties into one of the most intense, dramatic and important astrological events of the year, letting us know that whatever we are needing to unlearn and relearn will be incredibly significant for a long time to come. Letting us know that whatever occurs around August 21st will be revisited around September 5th.

Interwoven through the chaos and the intensity of the week are very helpful and affirming transits.

The sun moves from a mood-lifting sextile to Jupiter to a stabilizing trine to Saturn. This aspect can help us to recalibrate post-eclipse and mid-Mercury stationing retrograde. Venus also sweetens the skies by spending the week moving from a socially supportive sextile to Mercury to a dreamy and inspirational trine to Neptune. These little goodies might get lost in the shuffle or might lighten the burden of becoming that this eclipse season is asking us to take on.

However it lands for you and yours, take good care.

*Horoscopes are meant to be read as inspiration. If you know both your rising sign and sun sign, please read both horoscopes. They both contain important information. You’ll know which resonates more for you from week to week. Take what works for you, leave the rest. If you find inspiration here we love and appreciate donations. If you want to share this work you must quote it and link it to this post and website. Thank you for your support and for spreading the work around, we really appreciate it and you!

Aries & Aries Rising

We are all made better, stronger and more resilient by the connections that we create. Nurture. Sustain. Our hopes and dreams for the future are fertilized by our ability to find as much good ground between each other as possible. Our potential is activated by the right connections, collaborations and social conditions.

Monday’s lunar eclipse lights up your 11th house, a place in your chart that holds your future aspirations. A place in your chart that holds information about the folks that can help you make them manifest. A place in your chart that connects you to all those that broke your understanding of what is possible.

This eclipse asks you what your hopes and dreams for the future are. Wonders what you are working towards. Wonders who is there alongside you. Wonders who holds you up when others try to hold you back. Wonders if there are relationships that are currently hindering your movement forward.

Aries is a sign that functions autonomously, but this eclipse is encouraging you to ask for help instead of trying figuring it all out yourself. It is asking you to tidy up some relationship dynamics, organize the social clutter and sort out any friendship issues that are hanging around unaddressed.

Mercury’s retrograde will be encouraging you to review the ways in which you go about your work life. It wants you to return to the stacks of paper piled high that are marked “will do later.” Now is later. Time is ticking. Clear out your desk. Clear our your inboxes. Clear out the clutter from your work day. Back up your files. Get a good phone case, laptop cover and get things in the mail early.

Taurus & Taurus Rising

Once in a while we get to witness a part of our lives with clarity. With certainty. Without our expectations getting in the way of our reality.

Once in a while we are presented with the opportunity to acknowledge our efforts. To stand back and take in the importance of all the little steps. To admire the impact of accumulation.

Once in a while we get a chance to fine-tune the alignment of our outer life with our inner one. To make choices that are in our best interest. To bypass fear so that we can choose adventures that make us feel more alive and that deepen our connection to our lives.

Monday’s lunar eclipse lights up your career path. Illuminates the journey you’ve been on. The efforts that you have made. The opportunities that you have seized. This eclipse wants you to consider which ideas you have about your career that might need to be released.

So that it can grow into itself. So that it can show you what it is capable of. So that it can become it’s own being. Sometimes we get so committed to what we think needs to happen, that we get in the way of allowing what wants to happen.

Allow your career to teach you how to hold it. Listen to it. Show up for it. Co-create with it.

As Mercury stations retrograde, it asks you to review the ways in which you are using your creative energy. Asks you to review the dynamics of your romantic relationships. Asks you to review the ways in which you are working with the opportunities that you attract into your life. Take a moment to appreciate what you are able to draw to you, then see if you can’t refine your magnetism to bring more specific and resonant experiences your way.

Gemini & Gemini Rising

Big plans take big faith. Big heart. Big leaps into the unknown.

Big plans take us into big learning opportunities. Big growth opportunities. Big shoes to learn how to fill.

We can’t play it safe and play our hand in the game of life. We can’t refuse a chance to expand our horizons and then complain that life won’t throw us a bone. Risking our reputation, risking our place in line, risking a sure-bet for a chance to bet on ourselves takes a certain amount of belief in ourselves. It takes courage to be calculated. A righteousness to feel like we have the right to set out on our own path.

Monday’s lunar eclipse wants you to assess the lengths that you are wiling to go to in order to get to your desired destination. It’s asking you to take a look at the routes you plan to take. The pitstops you’ll need to make. The journey as you can see it from this point of view. Does it still excite you? Do parts of it need to be rerouted? Do you need to edit some part of the journey? Don’t be afraid to let some goals go if they no longer pull you towards them. As you grow, heal and change, so too does your journey.

Taking a look back at your roots can be helpful. Mercury begins its retrograde review through your 4th house of foundations. It’s impossible to end up in a good place without thoroughly investigating where we are coming from. This week wants you to pay attention to both. Your beginnings and your becoming.

Cancer & Cancer Rising

Being thoughtful about who you partner with will help you to create more thoughtfully. Being deliberate about your collaborations will make them more effective. Being conscious of how your insecurities and your need to please can get in the way of protecting your energy is a game-changer.

You can’t take every partnership up on its offer. You can’t pour your energy into every vessel that has room for you. You can’t make good on your promises when you over-extend yourself.

Monday’s lunar eclipse illuminates the importance of these lessons. It will make clear the collaborations that are the most profitable, energetically and monetarily, as well as the ones that aren’t. Protect your assets. Protect your talent. Protect your time, energy and creativity. This eclipse asks you to get focused. To get specific. To get strategic. If that’s not your strong suit, get help getting yourself together.

This eclipse also has the propensity to stir up your anxieties. Your insecurities. The root of the issues that you are working through. Help yourself by sticking to the routines that support you. That ground you. That help you to contextualize the emotions that tend to knock you off center.

Mercury’s next retrograde is demanding that you do so.

It will be taking you on a review of your daily schedule. Asking you to answer for the way in which you spend the hours of your days. Asking you to make the moments count. Asking you to make a list of all the things that get in the way of your ability to finish what you’ve started. And then figure out a way to do them less. Practice harm-reduction daily and witness how impactful it can be on your productivity.

Leo & Leo Rising

We need many ways to witness ourselves. To experience ourselves. To understand ourselves.

We need many influences. Ways to understand the world. Perspectives to view the events of our life through.

We need each other.

Need all manner of relationships. Need honest commitments to one another in order to process and make use of the painful and the profound. Ways to move through all that comes up in our committed partnerships. The heartache. The growing pains. The reflections that sometimes feel hard to face. Being committed to the process of partnering can bring us the most joyful of journeys. The most insightful experiences. The most healing we could ever hope for.

We need containers sturdy enough to withstand the impact that these transformations make.

Monday’s lunar eclipse sheds its light on the quality of your unions. It helps you to become more intimate with your intimacy issues. It wants you to be accountable for your part in the partnerships you are in. It wants you to be honest about which are resonant and which you aren’t interested in putting the effort into. Because this week offers you excellent opportunities to consolidate your skills and feel expansively in tune with life, the relationship lessons that arrive do so at a time where you are ready to deal with them.

Mercury’s station retrograde reviews your resources. How you work your money magic. How you handle the resources that you were born with. What to do to be able to clean up and curate more success on a material plane. It is asking you to review what you think you have the right to do. Buy. Sell. Be mindful of your impact, of how you are impacting the world, but also be aware of how you might use those very concerns to cut yourself off from expanding your world in ways that you desperately need.

Virgo & Virgo Rising

Monday’s lunar eclipse wants to help you reorganize your work life. It wants to help you sort through your tool-kit. Repair what’s rusty. Replace what is damaged beyond use. Consider how decluttering this area of your life might help you to have more free time. More time for self-care. More time to spend building with others.

Consider what part of your work might be delegated, divested from or done in a different way. Monday’s lunar eclipse is signaling a change in the way you prioritize your projects. How you do or don’t get the help that you need. How you hold onto resentments about what hasn’t come to pass or what you think “should” have by now. Use Monday’s eclipse to clear out the emotional debris that has accumulated in this area of your life. Doing so will help your health as you’ll be holding onto less.

With Mercury stationing retrograde in Virgo, you are being asked to review your communication style. How you get your message across. How you get your needs met. How well you express yourself and how that ends up impacting you and your relationships. Mercury’s retrograde through Virgo will help you to realign yourself with a clearer understanding of who you are becoming, how you are presenting that process and which parts of it to keep for yourself.

Libra & Libra Rising

This week be on the lookout for inspiring conversations, connections and insights that impact your career. Look for the opportunities that might come through your social networks, friends and colleagues. Look for opportunities to create connections with those in your professional and energetic fields. These little pockets of promise will help you make use of the rest of the week’s more intense aspects.

Like Monday’s lunar eclipse in Aquarius.

Monday’s eclipse wants you to remember the impact that your creative energy has on the rest of your life. You creativity gives you a voice. It gives your anxiety something useful to do with itself. It can become a channel for your doubts, fears and future dreams. As earthly beings, we need to turn our energy into something tangible, effective and generative.

This eclipse season is helping you become a little more familiar with your creative process. It is encouraging you to interrupt any excuses you make that inhibit you from it. What we choose to do with our energy during eclipse season has a lasting effect on our lives. Use this week to reset your relationship to creating your life as you need to.

As Mercury stations retrograde, it reviews some of the attitudes and beliefs that tend to get in your way. Self-sabotaging attitudes. Hidden doubts and fears. This Mercury retrograde will be useful to you when you find ways to appreciate these discoveries. Knowing what gets in our way is the first step to learning how to navigate around it, through it and with it.

Scorpio & Scorpio Rising

Monday’s eclipse impacts the most sensitive part of your chart. Reaching down to the roots of your life, this eclipse aims to clear out some emotional patterns that you inherited along the way. It can help you to clarify a need that you have in regards to your living situation. It can help you cleanse an aspect of your relationship to a parent or family member. It can help you let go of the desire to have you home or family situation be any way but what it is.

Monday’s lunar eclipse will help you heal.

Whatever issues are in need of it. Whatever dynamics need dealing with. When you find that you need help letting something from your past go, ask for guidance. Ask for help. Ask for what you need to move forward in peace.

Mercury’s retrograde will be asking you to review your social roles, commitments and communications. It may increase the odds of messages going missing between you and friends, community members and colleagues. This is a good time to polish up your interpersonal skills. Learn how to deal with the folks that aren’t on the same page as you. Review the groups that keep you energized, supported and feeling seen and recognize the ones that don’t. This might be a time to divest a little energy from the latter.

Sagittarius & Sagittarius Rising

We can’t control how others take in our message. We can’t control what others make out of our memos. We can’t control the impact that our movements in the world will have.

Monday’s lunar eclipse gives you some important feedback about the ways in which your message is being received. You might have to restructure your ideas. Some folks will be receptive to negotiations and clarifications and some won’t be able to take in what you are putting out. Do what you can to keep on track when folks try to derail your efforts for clarity.

Monday’s lunar eclipse will also help clarify the aspects of your schedule that aren’t getting you to where you need to go. Monday’s lunar eclipse will realign the ways in which you are moving through your day. Monday’s lunar eclipse will help you to prioritize the parts of your schedule that not only need you the most, but that also give you back the most.

There is some loss that you might experience but that loss creates space for new projects. For you, eclipse season will shuffle around your schedule. Removing what blocks the flow of your creative energy. Removing what blocks you from fuller self-expression. Removing what interrupts your ability to make use of your more innovative ideas.

As Mercury stations retrograde, it asks you to review key concepts of your career. Review the skills that you are able to make use of. Review the skills that you need to sharpen. Review the skills that you need use in another way than you have been.

Mercury’s retrograde will demand that you deal with any professional confusions that have occurred, any misunderstandings that hold you back, any philosophical reviews that need to be made so that your career can run more smoothly. Mercury’s retrograde will help you to go over the professional connections that you have made over the past year so that you can reach out to those that you haven’t had time to make contact with. Notice who is circling back around for your reacquaintance. Notice what old ideas resurface. Notice what you are returning to in order to refurbish, reuse or repurpose it professionally.

Capricorn & Capricorn Rising

In order to grow, we must be willing to part ways with what isn’t working. We have to know what has served its purpose. We have to know where our energy would be better repurposed.

Monday’s eclipse makes that clear in regards to the ways in which you are utilizing your resources.

What might you need to reconsider, rework or take a new approach to in regards to the way you are supporting yourself? What issues about compensation need to be handled, healed, or held?

How you have done business up until this point, and how you do business beyond this point are decidedly different. How different is up to you. How you innovate what you are creating is entirely your call, but it is clear that you are being called to.

Notice what financial fears come up for you around this time. What feelings about your self-worth. What feelings about your capacity to make use of what you have to work with.

Mercury’s retrograde will scour the plans that you have made, checking to see if there are important revisions that your itinerary needs. Go over your long-term goals with a fine-toothed comb. Review the routes to success that you might have outlined for yourself. If you can view your journey in the coming weeks as more of an adventure than a test to get right, you’ll get much more out of Mercury retrograde’s process.

Aquarius & Aquarius Rising

We need both the struggle and the triumph of life in order to have a deep relationship with it. In order to feel fulfilled at the end of it. In order to understand what we are capable of while we are living it.

We need both the knowledge attained from living our lives as well as the feelings that living it evokes. We need both our strength and our softness. We need both our willingness to steer as well as to be lead.

Monday’s lunar eclipse will push you to empty out some aspect of yourself. Monday’s eclipse will ask you to receive the blessings of your accomplishments. Monday’s eclipse will be much more beneficial to you when you balance both the offerings that you make and the blessings that you receive. You can’t do it all on your own, this eclipse makes that clear. But it also makes clear the importance of doing your part with as much integrity and self respect as possible. This eclipse will call you to answer for your actions, but it will also celebrate the highroads you’ve taken. All eyes are on you, so make sure you display what you need others to know about you and conceal what you need to keep for yourself.

As Mercury begins its retrograde, it will have you spending the next couple of weeks clearing up any miscommunications within your collaborations. Some of the time this will be about you figuring out which partners are the best fit for you, and some of the time this will be about figuring out how to better communicate with the ones that you have.

Pisces & Pisces Rising

We must continually cast off the doubt that confines us. That keeps us stagnant. That keeps us hiding out in fear.

We must continually give ourselves permission to feel. To understand where we are coiled inward. To understand how we succumb to the effects of the wounds embedded deep within the tissues of our being.

We must continually remind ourselves that we aren’t failing when living our best life is about making it through the day. Making it through the memories. Making what we can out of the life circumstances that we are in.

It’s just as dangerous to pathologize difficulty as it is to succumb to despair.

Monday’s lunar eclipse makes this point poignantly. Monday’s eclipse happens in a part of your chart that asks you to rest, return to yourself, and reckon with the losses that have left you lingering and ungrounded. Monday’s lunar eclipse is asking you to retrieve the parts of yourself that feel lost, left or disconnected from the rest of you. Monday’s lunar eclipse is asking you to surrender to the needs of your body. The needs of your soul. The needs of your neglected parts.

Take good care of what needs caring for.

As Mercury stations retrograde in your 7th house of committed partnerships, it draws attention to the ways in which you are communicating in your most important partnerships. It pulls focus on the skills that you have to work through the issues that arise. It pulls focus on the skills that you need to acquire to do so with more finesse. It pulls focus on the skills that you could learn to help your relationships out in incredibly important ways. Stay schoolable for your sweethearts and business babes.

SOURCE,CHANI NICHOLSS.COM

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lavalamplana · 4 years

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Red Flags

I made the consensual decision to have sex for the first time in my life. This time it was my decision and it was empowering. It wasn’t amazing sex, but it was my choice. I wasn’t forced this time. To me, that’s all that mattered.

We were having the best sex yet and you screwed it up. We had only been seeing each other for two weeks and you decided to tell me you loved me when you were inside of me.

It immediately turned me off. This whole time I had told you, I wanted to move slow. I was okay with being physically intimate with you, but I needed more time to develop true emotions for you. Physical intimacy and love do not always go hand in hand, it is possible to do one without the other. I needed time to catch up on the emotional aspect of it.

You wanted me to say it back to you. You wanted me to tell you I loved you, when you knew I didn’t and you knew I didn’t want to say that. To keep the sex going, I complied and told you I loved you.

It meant absolutely nothing to me and I hated every bit of it. Now, I wish I had pushed you off of me and just left your house and never looked back.

When I brought it up to you, first your defense was that you were so overwhelmed with emotion because you missed me so much from being away. You said you just got carried away in the heat of the moment. This I can understand.

It wasn’t the fact that you told me you loved me and it had only been two weeks. Premature, absolutely, but enough to push me away for good, no.

Regardless, I told you it made me upset and I didn’t want you to do it again.

Later I reminded you over text, not to tell me you love me unless you actually mean it. Love is special to me and I will not give my heart over to just any man, especially not that easily.

Your response. . . .

“I know it’s fucked up but I think I was mostly getting off on making you say it because you really really didn’t want to say it. I had no idea what came over me. It wasn’t planned, but I loved making you say one of the things you never wanted to say.”

This is what tipped me over the edge.

You loved making me do something I did not want to do and you did this while you were inside of me. Even worse, you admit that it was fucked up so you do know better. My body is something I place severely high value on, and you did this to me while inside my most intimate and vulnerable place.

Later, another night, when I brought it up to you that I did not want to stay the night and I did not want to have sex with you, you got upset because we had agreed to be monogamous, but now I no longer wanted to have sex. You felt I was being unfair.

I no longer felt comfortable having sex with you, not if you’re getting off on forcing me to do things against my will. I’ve had sex like that before and it is traumatizing. I refuse to put myself into a situation like that again. To be with a man vulnerably, like that again, only to be taken advantage of.

First of all, understand I owe you nothing. Just because we had sex once, does not mean you get to own my body and make decisions for me about when you want sex. i do not owe you anything. I can say no whenever I want, that is my right.

The last conversation we had after we finished smoking our cigarettes in your garage. . . .

You: “What is sex about, sex is about everything.”

Me: “I agree.”

You: “What do you think sex is about?”

Me: “Everything.”

You: “Sex is about power.”

Those were the last words you said to me before you flicked your fingers by your head, signaling me to leave.

SEX IS ABOUT POWER.

I tried to communicate to you, that I have baggage and deep emotional damage that I am trying to work through so I can be better. I did not want to blatantly spell it out for you, because I was worried you would see me as weak, broken, ruined, and used. I used to think those things of myself, when it first happened.

But, now that I’m getting help for myself, I’m beginning to accept that I am none of those things. I’m still me. I am kind, beautiful, strong, intelligent, ambitious, funny, and I have worth in this world.

Your actions made me feel small again.

I do not blame you for your words or your actions because I have purposefully kept you in the dark, hidden and oblivious to my pain. I am ashamed of my past.

I was raped over a year ago. You were the first man I decided to willingly give myself over to since the rape. The first man I consented to. The first man I decided to trust enough with my body. I liked you, we got along well, and I connected with you.

However, I can no longer pursue you anymore. I see too many red flags here. If you think sex is about power, than you are no better than the man who raped me himself. Sex is supposed to be about love overall. It’s one thing if I make the decision to let you have power over me, because I am consenting to giving you control. It’s a completely different and despicable thing if you force me to do something I do not want to do, robbing me of my choice to feel safe and comfortable to give consensual decisions. If you found pleasure in making me say words I did not want to say while inside of me, you are no better than my rapist.

I will not allow a man to treat me like that ever. The sexual assault was not my choice, I had no control over him, but I’ll be damned if I allow myself to be controlled against my will to your benefit in a relationship that I have the freedom to choose. I am choosing to leave.

When we argue you are mean and you call me derogatory names. But if I stand up to you, you were just kidding. I need to “lighten up” or can’t I “take a joke”. Regardless, it is disrespectful and you can treat me better than that. Immediately as soon as I play it off with an “lol” or a cute little joke, I get to be “princess” again, instead of “cold motherfucker”.

You do not respect me truly, if you did these words would never face me. Temper or not, you’re a grown man and you can keep it in check like a gentleman.

“Sex is about power.”

To you that might be so, but for me, sex is about love. Power is a component of play during sex, but the respect must always remain. Otherwise, sex is not love, it is not respecting your partner. It becomes about power and control over another human being, what partner would force something onto the partner they love, knowing they do not want it.

Do I even have to say the word?

Your sex may be about power, but mine is not. No man will strip me of my control without my consent, only I will give it to them.

This is why I said goodbye.

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gracewithducks · 4 years

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With One Heart (Acts 4:32-37) - Sunday School Stories #11, preached for Commitment Sunday 11/18/19

I once heard a story about a man named Thomas Hearne, who was travelling on an expedition to the mouth of the Coppermine River in Ontario. But a few days into the journey, Thomas and his companions were attacked, and most of their supplies were stolen. In his journal about the incident, rather than bemoaning what was lost, Thomas wrote, “The weight of our baggage being so much lightened, our next day’s journey was more swift and pleasant.”

Lloyd Douglas, one of the most popular American ministers and authors of the early 20th century, reflected on this story, saying, “Hearne was in route to something more interesting and important; and the loss of a few sides of bacon and a couple of bags of flour meant nothing more than an easing of the load. Had Hearne been holed in somewhere, in a cabin, resolved to spend his last days eking out an existence […] the loss of some of his stores by plunder would probably have worried him almost to death.

Douglas concluded by reflecting, “How we respond to ‘losing’ some of our resources for God's work depends upon whether we are on the move or waiting for our last stand.”[1]

It’s a preacher story, so I don’t know if it’s true – although I do know that making my kids carry their own bags makes them second-guess just how many books and stuffed animals they really need. When we’re sitting still, we can easily surround ourselves with stuff, but when we’re on the move, we reconsider how much it is we really need.

In our scripture today, we are given a glimpse into the life of the very early church. Luke writes, “All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of their possessions was their own, but they shared everything they had… and God’s grace was so powerfully at work in them all that there were no needy persons among them” (NIV).

It’s a beautiful picture of a community of people living in mutual harmony with one another – but let’s be honest, it sounds a little too Sesame Street, a little too Pleasantville and Pollyanna – just a little too utopian to have ever possibly been real. It makes me wonder, did the early church ever actually live that way? Maybe in those early days, the good news of the resurrection was still so new and exciting that the first Christians just didn’t worry about anything else. Maybe it’s easier to let go of your possessions when you expect Christ to return and usher in the new age at any moment; you don’t have to worry about saving for the future if you don’t think there will be one. Or maybe, even though Luke says, “all the believers were of one heart and mind,” he doesn’t really mean all the believers. Maybe there were small pockets of communal living, which were celebrated and lifted up as models for the rest, or maybe this is the story that the Christians told about themselves, a hopeful image of the kind of community they aspired, in their own faltering ways, to be.

But even if the story really did start here, with sharing everything and no one in need, it didn’t last for long. Just a few verses later, the Gentiles come to the apostles complaining that only the Jewish widows are being cared for, while Gentile widows go hungry (Acts 6:1-7). The early church quickly faced conflict and division over the question of if and how non-Jews could be a part of the new Christian community (Acts 10, 15). And Paul wrote to the Corinthian church admonishing them, because not only were they divided into factions, but the richer members would feast and leave nothing for when their poorer members made it to the table (1 Corinthians 1, 11).

Truly loving one another as we love ourselves – it’s hard. Sharing what we have, generously and without reservation, is hard. Keeping an open mind, keeping an open heart towards people who are different from us, who hold different ideals and different views – it’s hard. And trusting that, if we share, there will be enough to go around – it’s especially hard, when we see around us over and over again that there just doesn’t seem to be enough.

In many ways, the early Christians lived in a different world than we do. Many of us are carrying debt, significant debt, sometimes more than we even imagine or hope to pay back in our lifetimes. And at the same time, far too few of us have any money saved for the future. However, the early Christians also knew about debt and fear for the future; then as now, it takes so little to derail our plans and throw our lives into a tailspin. It’s overwhelming and terrifying to realize that one medical emergency, one mistake, a fire, a downsizing, a disaster – or even just outliving our savings – can leave us begging for help.

Every day we see signs advertising spaghetti fundraisers and posts for go-fund-me accounts, saying: please help this family, please help this friend, with one more heartbreaking story to tell. Even the most heartwarming stories we share – of children raising money to pay off their classmates’ lunch debts, and engineering students crafting medical equipment that insurance won’t cover, celebrities or even churches stepping in to erase medical debt or help someone in need – those stories are beautiful, yes, but they’re also discouraging, because beneath the warm fuzzies is the reality that we live in a world and a nation where fear is woven right into the fabric of our being, where at any time, any one of us could go into a freefall, where school lunch debt and medical bankruptcy aren’t just real but are common and overwhelming – we live in a society where, in our own fear and in our own greed, we’ve lost our sense of responsibility for one another. I remember once hearing a suggestion that, instead of forcing everyone to make a go-fund-me page when they got sick or a tragedy occurred, we could instead all contribute to one great big go-fund-me fund that could be used by anyone in need – you know, like some kind of social safety net? But somehow it’s a crazy, impossible ideal – even though other nations seem to be able to make it work – it’s a crazy, impossible idea to suggest that I’d be willing to pay more in taxes if it means I knew my neighbors wouldn’t go hungry, that when someone got cancer their family could support them without worrying about how to afford the treatment they need – and if it meant knowing that, when our family falls on hard times, there would be a net to catch us and something in place to help us back up.

Maybe we imagine that we’ll never be the ones in need. Or maybe we just like to be heroes: we like to feel generous, to hear those sad stories for ourselves, to see misery on display, to be appealed to individually, maybe even groveled to and gushed over – it makes us feel good, feel important and powerful, when we choose to give. And God absolutely calls us to step up and help whenever we see someone in need. But just as important – maybe even more so – just as important is the far less glamorous work of consistent giving, of faithful generosity, of giving back a portion of our resources to God. It’s less flashy, less gratifying, but even more powerful in our lives and in the lives of others when we build generosity into the very fabric of our lives.

When God was preparing the people to enter the Promised Land, they first had to learn to trust in God. They learned the lesson of the manna, the miracle of bread from heaven – and the real miracle that, somehow, each person always had enough. And God said, “When you enter the Promised Land, remember how, when you were hungry, my grace kept you fed. When you enter the Promised Land, give back the first and the best parts of our harvest for my work. And build into your society care for others, especially for the hungry and the vulnerable, the strangers and the sick and the poor.”

And when Jesus came to call us back to God’s ways, he said, “Where your treasure is, there is your heart” (Matthew 6:21). And he said, “Don’t worry about tomorrow” (Matthew 6:34). And he said, “They will know you are my disciples by your love” (John 13:35).

The book of Acts paints a picture of a generous community, the kind of place where people are willing to give everything they have in order to make sure no one else is in need. Not everyone gave everything – and I’m not asking you to give everything today. But it is worth asking: what do we give? Do we bring our best to God, or do we give God the crumbs, the leftovers, after everything else is said and done?

The biblical standard for giving is a tithe, or 10%. Actually, that’s the Old Testament biblical standard; in the New Testament, as we’ve seen, the standard for giving is everything. But on average, most Christians today give about 2.5% of their income to churches.[2] Some give much more, of course, but many give much less. Among the three major religions in our nation – Christianity, Judaism, and Islam – Christians aren’t even the most generous, not by a long shot; our friends in the other Abrahamic faiths almost double our giving.[3]

It’s a shame that the religion of the cross and resurrection, of dying to self and rising to Christ, of loving others as we love ourselves – it’s a shame that our faith is no longer know by our generosity, compassion, or grace. The world outside knows us by our judgmentalism, by our hypocrisy, by our worst examples, by our biggest failures, by our exclusion and prejudice and unwritten rules – but how I wish they would know us by our love.

Two and a half percent. Some give more, but many give less. And we can say maybe people are giving to secular charities these days; we can blame church politics and scandals, we can blame the lousy economy – but then again, during the Great Depression, the average for giving was 3.3% - in the season which, for our nation, is the literal epitome of poverty and despair, Christians were more generous than they are now. Maybe it’s because there was a shared sense of struggle; maybe it’s because the suffering was so clear and so prevalent, that more were willing to share so needs could be met. In fact, throughout history, the most generous people aren’t usually the rich – the rich are too far removed from their neighbors – but the most generous people are those who don’t have much to share… but who know their neighbors, and try to love them as they love themselves.[4] While big numbers make the headlines, most giving – whether to churches or to charities – most giving comes from moderate households, from modest and ordinary folks, but when all those smaller gifts are put together, they really add up.

That’s why Jesus doesn’t praise the giving done by the rich, but instead he praises the gift of the widow’s mite (Luke 21:1-4). The one who fed crowds with just a few loafs, who said faith like a mustard seed was enough to move mountains – Jesus knew that it’s not the size of the gift that counts, but the spirit and faith therein (Matthew 14:13-21; Matthew 17:20).

Maybe you really are giving all you can: friends, God sees you. The Lord who knows all the hairs on your head; the one who clothes the lilies and praises the widow’s gift is with you. God sees your heart. And maybe this isn’t a season when you can make a financial commitment or give any more than you already can. But maybe God is inviting you to step up in another way: we have open seats on committees, work areas and ministry teams; you could volunteer at church events, you could commit yourself to calling and checking in with church members, to visiting, to serving at Alpha House, volunteering in the community, praying regularly for our church and our members, brainstorming creative fundraising ideas. Jesus didn’t come to balance budgets; he came to show God’s love. Jesus cares about what you do with your finances, but more than that, Jesus loves you.

And maybe, when a little extra income surprises you – a raise, a bonus, an inheritance, a tax refund, or some other unexpected blessing – remember to share and pass that blessing on.

Many of us are giving all we can. And I honor that; I honor you. But I also know that many of us aren’t giving all we can – not even close. We aren’t giving until it hurts; in fact, we’re barely even feeling it. Maybe you haven’t stepped up your giving in a while. Maybe you give when you think about it, when you happen to come, when you remember to put some money in your pocket on the way out the door. Our church is currently operating at a deficit; we are sustaining many of our ministries thanks to the generous investments of the saints who’ve gone before us. And we are grateful for those gifts, for those investments in the church’s future, for those who made sure their ministry would outlive them – and if you haven’t thought about it yet, what legacy are you going to leave behind you when the day comes? Will you remember the ministries of the church in your estate? Whom will you bless, even after you’re gone?

Friends, I am so grateful for the legacy that brought us this far, and for the generosity of each one of you and of the saints who’ve gone before. But I firmly believe that we are at a crucial moment in our church’s story: and I believe, with all my heart, that God is not finished with us yet.

The question is: do you believe it? And are you willing to commit to the work, to invest in the vision, to support the worship, the discipleship, the fellowship, the missions of this body in this place?

In the future, when they tell our story, will they say: this was the season when the church was afraid; when giving dried up, and they circled the wagons, and anxiously counted the sacks of flour we had left? Or will this be the season when we keep moving, when we trust God enough to lighten the load – to share and use what we have, to dream big and give bigger, to trust that, by God’s grace, there will be more than enough to get us where God is calling us to go?

May they know us by our faith. May they know us by our generosity. And above all, may they know us by our love.

We thank you, God, for the saints who’ve gone before us; we stand in awe of the legacy we’ve inherited – and we also stand in awe of the opportunities you’ve given us. We find ourselves in a crucial moment: will we plan for the future with hope, or with fear? Will we be known for our stinginess, or will we be known for our generosity? We pray, Lord, that the world will know us by our love. We pray that you would make us like the earliest church, people united in heart and mind, a community of people committed to caring for one another and to sharing the good news with the world. Send your Spirit on us, as we make our promises and our pledges for the coming year. Fill us with hope; fill us with courage; fill us with peace. In Christ’s name we pray; amen.

[1] Lloyd C. Douglas, The Living Faith. http://www.sermonillustrations.com/a-z/s/stewardship.htm

[2] https://pushpay.com/blog/church-giving-statistics/

[3] The average American Christian donates a little over $800/year; Muslims on average donate more than $1300, and Jews $1440. https://www.cheatsheet.com/money-career/average-church-religion-donation.html/

[4] People with a salary of less than $20K are eight times more likely to give than someone who makes $75K. https://pushpay.com/blog/church-giving-statistics/

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How your smartphone can help you travel light

New Post has been published on https://nexcraft.co/how-your-smartphone-can-help-you-travel-light/

How your smartphone can help you travel light

We’re not saying you should literally toss a full bag out into the road on your way to the airport, though. That’s a hazard. (Jed Owen via Unsplash/)

Whether you’re heading out of town for Independence Day, Thanksgiving, or any other occasion, traveling light has its advantages: fewer items to remember, an easier time navigating crowded streets, and you simply won’t have to carry as much.

So it’s good that one thing you probably carry no matter what—your phone and the apps on it—can replace several items in your luggage, letting you concentrate on getting from A to B.

Boarding passes and travel documentation

Thankfully, many travel companies are up to speed with the progress we’ve made in the digital age and will allow you to send documentation such as boarding passes or tickets straight to your phone—either over email or in a dedicated app. You don’t need a folder full of papers under your arm anymore.

Take the free Fly Delta app for Android and iOS as one example. You can store your trips, boarding passes, and flight information right inside the app itself, and it’ll let you check the status of your flight and the gate you need to be at. Other airlines have similar offerings—just make sure your phone is fully charged before you set off.

The big hotel chains also have their own apps and they’re usually worth installing to cut down on the amount of paperwork you have to take with you on your travels. The free Hyatt Hotels app for Android and iOS, for instance, stores your booking details and room charges, will let you check in early, and can even be used to request items be sent to your room. In some locations, the app even lets you use your phone as a room key.

Other apps allow you to collect information from multiple sources in one place. TripIt, which is free for Android and iOS, is one of the best examples. If you forward all your confirmation booking emails to TripIt, it will build a custom itinerary, tell you exactly where you need to be at what time, and help you manage everything from flights to hired cars. If you pay $49 per year for a Pro subscription, you’ll get extras including real-time flight alerts and notifications about the length of the airport security queue.

Maps and guides

Gone are the days of stuffing hefty maps and chunky travel guides into your baggage, because everything in those pages is just a few taps away on your phone. From Lonely Planet Guides (free for Android and iOS) to TripAdvisor (also free for Android and iOS), you won’t be short of information and advice while you’re out and about.

Most map and guide apps let you download content for offline viewing, so it’s a good idea to do this before you head off and potentially encounter expensive data charges. Visit A City (free for Android and iOS), for example, covers more than 3,000 destinations and works offline, giving you access to a host of pre-made itineraries, lists of things to do, and recommendations for the best attractions.

Here’s a neat trick for Google Maps (free on Android or iOS): if you open the app menu and choose Offline maps, you can download sections of the map to your phone before you start traveling. It’s handy in areas where you won’t, or can’t, get any signal, and it’s something Apple Maps doesn’t yet offer.

If you’re vacationing in a place where web access won’t be a problem, Google Maps and Apple Maps can offer up a host of recommendations about what to see and do. In the Google Maps app, just drag up the Explore tab to look for bars, restaurants, events, and more. In Apple Maps, tap inside the search box to see a similar list of options for finding notable spots and attractions near you.

E-books and audiobooks

Bring along as much reading as you like in e-book form. (David Nield/)

If you’re a serious reader, then taking enough literature to get you through a vacation can really weigh down your suitcase. But this doesn’t have to happen, as your planned reading can live on your phone in digital and audio form. Even if you prefer books of the physical kind, it’s still worth it to think about switching to e-books and audiobooks for your travels.

The best-known apps here come from Amazon. The free Kindle for Android and iOS gives you access to a whole host of e-books for sale or rent, and if you own an actual Kindle e-reader as well, the apps will sync your reading progress between devices.

Amazon owns the Audible audiobook platform, too, which means you can switch between audio and e-book versions of selected titles as you read through them, if you want the variety. After your 30-day free trial is over, subscriptions start at $15 a month, which includes one free audiobook. Apps are available for Android and iOS.

Other options are available, including Google Play Books (for Android and iOS), Kobo Books (for Android and iOS), and Apple Books (iOS only), which all support both e-books and audiobooks.

Ditch the camera

Your smartphone comes with a camera, of course, so it might be time to think about saving the space taken up by a dedicated digital camera and making do with what your phone can offer instead. This is especially true if you’ve got one of the latest handsets on the market, which may feature optical zoom, optical image stabilization, and special night mode enhancements.

You might consider packing some small extras to improve the quality of the vacation snaps your smartphone can take. Something like the Sweego Tripod Stand ($14 on Amazon) will make sure your photos stay rock-steady, and it also means you can make full use of the camera timer on your phone to get yourself in the shot.

A pack of lenses like the ones you get from olloclip ($100 on Amazon) can make a big difference, too. Compatible with most modern handsets, they give you the opportunity to take super-wide angle, fish eye, and other types of non-standard shots with ease.

Don’t forget the software either. Apps such as Halide ($6 for iOS) and Camera FV-5 ($4 for Android give you access to extra ISO, white balance, aperture, and color settings that you don’t get with the stock camera app on board your phone.

Other app recommendations

An app like PackPoint can help you make sure you’re not bringing too much or too little. (PackPoint/)

Let’s briefly go back to the start of your vacation (or work trip). PackPoint is free for Android and iOS and helps you work out exactly what you need in your suitcase, based on your destination and expected weather conditions. In other words, it’ll help you avoid packing more wooly sweaters than you need. With a premium purchase (a one-off fee of $3) you can connect TripIt and Evernote, and customize your packing lists.

If you’re going to a place where the people may not speak your native language, Google Translate can help. It’s free for Android and iOS and fulfills the job once held by bulky foreign language dictionaries. It supports more than 100 languages, can work offline with no data signal, and can use your phone’s camera to translate text if you point it towards signs and menus.

We should also mention the wealth of mobile games available for Android and iOS, all of which can be easily found through the respective app stores on your device. How does this help you travel light? Well, you might be able to leave the Nintendo Switch or Scrabble board at home if you’ve got enough games to entertain you. A digital copy of Scrabble, for example, is free for Android and iOS and lets you play against friends of your choosing.

At least some of the suggestions we’ve come up with should prove useful in lightening the load for your next trip, but don’t forget you can also use your phone to look for cheaper travel deals and get around easily while you’re away from home. Just make sure you don’t lose your smartphone along the way.

Written By David Nield

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